Watch What Crappens - #2781 Summer House S907 Live in Philly: Toe To Toe

Episode Date: March 31, 2025

We’re live for Summer House in Philly! Jessie is without a girl to rub on, so he lets his “toe” get sucked in a foursome with Imrul. Guys it’s not his fault. Women just want him so badly! Also, Kyle and Craig go toe to toe in their spritzer wars, and Carl meets Lil’s parents. Huge Lemur energy. To watch this recap on video, listen to our Traitors bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. Tickets for the Mounting Hysteria Tour are now on sale at watchwhatcrappens.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Ronnie, that's a football team, Ronnie. I feel like you're all about to kill me. He's like, why are they doing a chant for Olivia Aiden? I'm an eagle! I'm an eagle! Um, but we... So last night we were in D.C. and you guys, check in on your friends in DC. They're kind of going through it right now. Poor things.

Poor things. They're all like, oh. Have you been reading the news? Me neither. What a way to live. Actually we were back there and I said, actually I should read the news and see if there, it was horrifying, okay? Horrifying.

You know how much eggs are? So I opened the news and the first thing was a gigantic picture of Putin like, ha ha. That guy is so fucking hot. I'll say whatever's going on over there, I don't read much. Potatoes make you happy, it's proof. That man is happy, I don't know what the fuck he's doing, but he's smiling like a loon and

His skin looks so good. I didn't know they had like good Botox or whatever in Russia, but yeah No, it's it's actually not Botox. It's just the blood of dissenters that they just kill and just I See people why am I not? Wait, you know what is hilarious about this? So backstage we're sitting there like well, what should we talk about the top of the show? Like I don't know that anything happened this weekend. I know I don't know what we're gonna talk about now We're up here and Ron is like Putin I'm sorry. His skin looks really good. That's all I had to say That's my news update for

you. Well, we traveled today, so we came in on the train, which is so nice. Let me say every town from there to here. What did you say that show? What was that show with that girl from the Titanic? It was that murder show? What was it? Mayor of East town. Yeah, mayor of East town. Yeah, Mayor of East town. There were so many towns that looked like Mayor of East town. Ben was like, this looks like an H- because I was like, aren't these towns cute because we pass these little houses and then this little church.

Right when I said that, he turned around and it was like a burnt down building. It was like crumbling warehouses and broken glass. I was like, I was like murder dur dur. But yeah, why is it that when you said what was that HBO show with the with a girl from Titanic? Why was that my first instinct was I think of the old lady who throws the jewel up. I was like, what show was she in? Speaking of HBO, we have to say this is a Sunday night and we want to thank you for coming here because we know the White Lotus is on tonight.

You could be home watching White People Lotus but you're here instead, so thank you. Are you guys watching the White Lotus? So I know it's great and POPPER NO! I was thinking about it because tonight we're up. The tsunami POPPER! Mayor of Easttown! There has been a murder!

I'm gonna find out who did it. I'm going to get a sandwich at Wawa. That's right. I pander to White Lotus fans and Philadelphia fans. Farter Posey and Mara Vista. So I was thinking about it before. I was like, you know, because we're talking about Summer house tonight, which by the way, such a good episode. Oh, thank God we got a classic.

We got an instant classic for here. Toe sucking, the turning of a man just into shit, which we all knew was coming, you know? Turning of a man into shit. We just know it's coming on summer house. Yeah. Finally got it today. Yeah, we caught it right here.

But I was thinking that Summerhouse is really not that different from the White Lotus, right? Like, Lin's a bunch of spoiled ass rich people who you want to see die at some point. Yeah. Right? When is Paige going to kill Craig? That's all we want to know.

How does it happen? When does it happen? You know it's going to. It's going to. Like Walton Goggins, like Rick and Chelsea are kind of like Kyle and Amanda. Oh, Walton Goggins. Yeah. Well, yeah, like that Kyle, I guess. Kyle, when he's like, but I care about Seltzer. I want to kill the man who stole my spritzer. I wanna kill the man who stole my spritzer. We were on the train earlier thinking about how old we're getting because, well, we are. And we're walking around, I watched that show, Adolescence, on Netflix.

Did you watch that? Everybody's like, oh my God, Adolescence, the best thing in the world. It's just little kid killer. Oh, every kid I saw today, I was like, get away from me, you little fucker. I don't trust any of them now. Last week I loved them. I saw a baby today in a stroller. I was like, listen to me, you little fucker.

Look the other way. I'm still bigger than you. Yeah. Listen, if you just never trusted children in the first place, you're sad. You're fine. I just watched Adolescence. It was like, told ya. Yeah. I was like, I don't need to watch a four-part show

to know what I already know. They're all killers and demons, OK? But we were kind of stumbling onto the train, thinking, like, oh, we're not young anymore. We got to sleep till 10, and we're still literally, the train's not even moving. And we're like, oh, god. But we kind of came to a cross, because I was like, let's start at the literally, the train's not even moving and we're like, oh God, you know? But we kind of came to a cross because I was like,

let's start at the end of the train. That way we don't have to wait in this line for all these people. But of course the seats were numbered backwards because that's how you do it on the East Coast to trick all the southerners. So we went the other way, but then we went to a head to head with this old couple.

Oh no. They were in the wrong car or something. So it was, I'm sure you guys all have been there when the piece of paper comes out. It's like, I'm pretty sure it was seat 12 C. Are you seat 12 C? It is Tweet C 12. I have it right here. Look, if the paper says C 12 and he showed me, he's like, does this say C 12? I said, it says C 12. Why is that lady sitting in C12? Why? And then the wife, she's like, I'm in C12, sir.

That is it, I already have my ticket. He's like, well, I have a ticket too. He has a ticket, have you seen his ticket? And then the wife goes, oh, they double booked us. Pauper, no. And then I fell in love. I think it might be time for me to get a boyfriend because we were getting something from the blue bottle at the train station, which by the way, I mean, the coffee is fine, but everything's

in paper and they still have paper straws. I'm going back to Starbucks. There, I said it. But we got coffee there and there was a guy there who was so cute. He was just like so little and pale and hairless. He looked so weak. It was Wallace Shawn. He looks so weak. I was like I can fit in. Who was it? I said it was Wallace Shawn. He's so that's a sports thing huh? Who's that? Who's Wallace Shawn? He's one of the Lost

Kelsey brothers. That's a sports thing. Wala Shahn, Wala Shahn, you know, like, what do you say from Princess Bride? Inconceivable. Oh, all right. Anyway, go on. So I fell in love with this little weak person, you know? And then I always think everything is going to be like a romance movie. So we got on the train and he was right in front of us. And I was like, oh, well on the

other side, so I could like look at him the whole time. I was like, oh my God, score. I have someone to stalk. So I'm looking at this guy and I'm like, it was like a fate, right? I saw him at the blue bottle. I saw him now. We saw that little adolescent thing together and both looked at it like, fuck no. You know, I was like, I'm marrying this weak person. So then halfway through the train, this lady comes over and she's like, fuck no. You know, I was like, I'm marrying this weak person. So then halfway through the train, this lady comes over and she's like, honey, there's room where I'm sitting now. And I was like, that bitch. And then for the rest of the time,

I even walked to the bathroom just so I could see them sitting happily. And then the train was wobbling and I kind of fell on him. I was like, oh, I'm so sorry. And then I just don't like this to the girl. I was like, bitch. Might be so sorry. And then I just don't like this to the girl. I was like. Bitch. Might be time to get married, you guys. It's getting sad out there.

It's fun times on the olde cello train, people. Now I know what it's like to be Danielle on Summer House. Guys, I made it. I'm here from the train. I have too much fun without me? Don't start club setting yet. As I walked all the way to the bathroom, I thought, God, if only I had skin like Putin's. I would have totally won that one. All right.

Welcome to an evening of summer housing. Hey, and can we give a shout out to some of our Patreon premium sponsors that are in the audience? We got Haban Aguila Webster, Weber, sorry. Anyone else here? Any other premium sponsors? Oh my God, Alison King! Ain't nothing like Alison King. And that's it. We killed the rest.

I thought you were going to drop a scroll. Alright. Previously on Summer House. Sierra got mad. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead, Paige. Thanks. Thanks, other me. Sierra was mad after Wes ghosted her and then did a New York Times article saying he wasn't into her. You're an idiot, your hair is stupid,

and I hope you die in a fire. Oh, don't bully me, I'm just a boy. Also, there's a new really skeevy guy in the house named Emeril. I haven't used so much hand sanitizer since the pandemic. Oh, geez, am I right? Gross. Carl's still sober and planning to open a soda machine.

Oh. It's called softball. planning to open a soda machine. Oh. Oh. It's called soft bar. OK. He's going to open a coffee shop with the soda machine. It's called soft bar. OK. He's going to rent a van to serve soda out

of from a soda machine for men with erectile dysfunction. Thanks. I'm Carl, 9.0. I'm soft, I believe in tenderness, hugs, and brick and mortar. Also, I found a new love interest and her name is Lil. You give huge lemur energy. Is that good, are lemur soft? Ha. I hope not, because I want to fuck a lemur.

Aw, softly, softly. Ha, please. There's also a new girl named Lexi. She's really into lip liner and guys with huge mouths. I love your juicy booty. I'm like so insecure about it. It's so hard being a model. Eeehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe I haven't had sex with a stranger more than than a week, so we're basically married.

Oh, no. Oh, yeah. And there's been a miracle in the summer house. Jessica Tandy is pregnant. And that by her ex-fiancee, Softcarl. Guys, I have an announcement to make. I'm having a baby, and I'm putting a big poster

of the sonogram in Carl's room. Aww. I'm going to stand on the kitchen and try not to feel things. I'm soft. I'm soft. Aww. And me? I'm trying to find a way to subtly break up with my boyfriend so the internet doesn't tear me limb from limb when it's announced.

Chicken. so the internet doesn't tear me limb from limb when it's announced. Chicken, I can't wait till we're married and you can stop this career nonsense and make tiny versions of me to inherit my pillow empire. Craig, last night I had a dream that I murdered you in your sleep. And then I showed up to our wedding alone and I partied with everybody to celebrate your death. You dreamt that we had a wedding? When's it gonna be? He's not getting the hint.

And scene. So we open where we left off last time. In honor of Carl, I will have a soft drink. So we started, we left last week with a pirate party that Carl's throwing in honor of, I don't know, I don't really know, but he was wearing a lot of guy liner and Jesus sandals. We caught a close up of his sandals today and I was like, wow. Do pirates wear gladiator sandals? It's like, shiver me timbers, but also

are you not entertained? So they're partying, and Amanda is trying to have fun because she's married to an alcoholic. And you got to try and come along with a ride. So every once in a while she does. Kyle's just walking around like, hey, boy, manny. Hey, boy. Amanda, boy, boy, Amanda,

hey, Amanda, you look hot. And she's like, things? She's dressed like a parrot. And he's like, hey, Amanda, I always wanted to fuck a parrot. Actually, technically he said, I always wanted to date a pirate. And she goes, I'm a parrot though.

Oh. Well, then you must know where there's a pirate. Polly wants some guacamole. So then we go to Craig and Paige. She's found a floatie to lay down on, of course. She's like, it's like a bed. Yeah. They're in a raft in Carl's fake pirate pool because he put down a tarp to represent

the ocean, but it's nothing like the ocean. So they're just sitting on inflatables on a tarp. Carl will still find a way to drown in that. That man is weak. He still is underperforming even with his tarp work. So Kyle's like, ugh, I never, ugh. That's just incidental. That has nothing to do with what's going on.

So Paige and Craig have just had a conversation where Craig is like, do you love me? And she's like, well, I'm going to give you an annual review and then we'll see if you're fired or not. And he's like, ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. So she's like, it wasn't a joke. Craig is wearing his pirate hat and his guy liner and his shirt's open.

Did you notice that he has a big tattoo here of Paige? Except it's like a satanic pirate Paige who like has murder in pirate page she like has murder in her eyes like blood dripping down her face I was like wow how did you get your future on your chest because this is gonna actually happen in six weeks this is the version you're about to get so crowd comes over because he wants to talk about the squirt companies with Carl the The Spritz, sorry, the Spritz company. Sorry, that's Emeril's company. The square.

He's like, hey, you wanna talk about Spritzers? And Craig's like, I don't know if I'm ready right now. He's like, this looks romantic, can I change spots with you, Craig? And she's like, oh my God, please, please change spots with me. All right. Just I'm getting seasick. The letter C. I'm Craig sick. Please just sit, sit right here. Sit right here. You know, Craig is saying that he doesn't feel valued and he's like worried about how the tour is going to affect our relationship. I'm not going away to war. It's three months

and I'm going to be just traveling a lot. I've also said he could come to any stop he wants to. Are you just going to stress me out because you don't feel checked in on enough? This was the stupidest decision to ever date this man I ever had in my life. Who gets jealous of tour? It's three months of smelling Hannah's farts on a bus. Craig's like, I want to talk to you,

but I'm not going to get a drink. Okay. I'm not leaving. Just wait here right on this raft. Kyle. I was like, all right, bro. And Craig just never comes back. I know it was sort of like an obnoxious power move, but I was actually thankful for it. Cause just watching Kyle sitting in that dinghy, he looked like, did he know that he could get out of the dinghy? He was like, I gotta wait for mom to come back before she unlocks the door so I can get out of the dinghy.

He's just sitting there just sad and alone wanting to DJ something. So this is West and Jesse's second season on the show. And they're in that they're still in that state of like amazement that they're like kind of like mediocre guys that are now getting all the boobies that they want to because they're on TV. So they don't know they'reement that they're like mediocre guys that are now getting all the boobies that they want to because they're on TV. So they don't know. It's like me standing in the middle of like 10 waiters holding hors d'oeuvres. So I'm just like... They're falling down. I don't even care. I'll just pick it up off the ground. That's how they are. They're both doing this. And so Jessie's like, hey, hey, hey, you guys married? You guys? You married? Huh? And she's like, yeah, I have a husband. He goes, oh,

yeah, congrats, congrats, yeah. I'm actually seeing someone or just asking for you guys, right? She's not here this weekend though. And she goes, yeah, but doesn't all this partying get old? And he's like, huh? What do you mean? It's goes, yeah, but doesn't all this partying get old? And he's like, huh? What do you mean? He's like, yeah, you know, like, don't you ever just wanna like go hang out

with your girlfriend? And he's like. This summer I thought I'd be like dating girls and having fun, but I don't wanna do anything to jeopardize my relationship with Lexi unless it involves me having sex with someone else. I could do that. So I'm just trying not to flirt with him,

and that's really it, again, except for sex. And, you know, just going to make conversation and sex, and, you know, just going to talk to people. If those people happen to have a vagina, I have sex with them, you know, that's just what happens. Hey! How come this dinghy doesn't have a cup holder? Seems like kind of a missed opportunity.

Hey, dinghy, you don't support lover boy, I deserve an apology. Kyle's trying to connect his Bluetooth to the dinghy. Ah, this thing on Apple Play. It's time for a commercial. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

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Follow Even the Royals on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Even the Royals early and ad free by joining Wondery Plus. So then we cut to Carl and Lil. And Lil is like, oh my God, I'm like a mermaid. Like Carl, you could have hired me to be a mermaid and you're not water tarp. Oh my God. Anyway, magicians are dope. I was like, what a transition. She's like, yeah, god. Anyway, magicians are dope. I was like, what a transition.

She's like, yeah, first of all, magicians are dope. What transition was that? What was that? Like, oh my god, I'm like a mermaid. Anyway, magicians, the best. Am I right? And when I have free time, I would love to A, go to magic school Or be learning magic. I think a and B are the same thing. I hate to break it to you I want to either go to school or I want to learn something out of school You know what I have in my purse at all times Cards But I don't know any tricks oh Ha you're ready for some magic.

Oh, what the fuck is wrong with this girl? She's she has that sweet like magicing and mermaiding, but I'm just carrying cards just in case. She just has magic cards on spec. She's like, I'm pretty sure I'll learn magic someday. So let's just get these in here, because when the time comes, I'm pretty sure I'll learn magic someday, so let's just get these in here because when the time comes I'll be ready. In case I run into a sorcerer in the Hamptons. So Gabby's watching this and she's like, oh my god

that girl has cards. You know that Carl met her parents at a soccer game. That's how they know each other. Anderalds like oh, yeah, I fucked her parents I'm a I'm into like poly parent ism, you know, it's hot. It's really fucking hot. Hey Little I don't know if I told you this cuz I feel like there's one person's party I might not have told us yet, but I'm launching a new business. Are you thinking of a Jack? uh I Haven't jacked since last summer

fair It's called sophomore bar which informs the whole jack thing and it's a bar and a cafe and get this It doesn't deserve alcohol. Oh my God, I don't know, like the way you're boldly making an effort not to earn profit. Yeah. Well I was hoping that-

You're like an actual magician. Can you have like open mic night? As if this concept couldn't get any worse is Lil on the mic, hosting amateur hour like at Showtime at the Apollo. Oh my God, guess what? I go hard for a soft bar. You can use that, okay.

So yeah, that was really good. I actually am a little shocked I didn't think of that myself. So I'm doing a friends and family event. It's basically just me, my mom and my stepdad hanging out, drinking entire coke, or you wanna come by, you can buy your parents. So it's like after my last relationship,

the most important thing to me is to have someone that believes in me. Cut to Lindsay being like, do I think that you're like crushing life right now, girl? No. And I'm also pretty disturbed by this bleach blonde. Where are the situation you're going on this flashback? You don't think I'm crushing life?

You're jobless. What are you talking about? You're jobless and you spent like a hundred grand of her money to buy podcast equipment. Hi, this is podcast equipment. Okay? This is it. A $10 table from a Target and two $40 mics from God knows where this thing has been.

I'm not jobless. I have a soda in my bag. I don't know how to use it, but I'm hoping that someday I'll understand soft drinks and I have a soda in my bag. I don't know how to use it, but I'm hoping that someday I'll understand soft drinks and then I'll be able to use it. Kind of like magic. Let me tell you this, as a magician and a mermaid, I just want you to flourish, lemur, flourish,

flourish, lemur, flourish. I don't know what's gonna happen with these two, but hire that fucking crazy person. Hire her right now. This is the best casting we've ever seen. Her parents even showed up later in the episode. They're like, hi honey, did you try any magic tricks? If you have Lil at that soft bar,

no one is gonna believe that this is a place that's substance free. People would be like, okay, where's the speakeasy? So Carl goes, so she's like, yeah, I just want to watch you fucking floor. She goes, cool, I'm gonna get you an invitation. I was like, Carl, you can't even commit to giving her an invitation. She's like, I'm gonna get you one. I'm gonna see if someone can get you an invitation. I'm going to get you one. I'm going to see if someone can get you an invitation.

Can't wait to get you an invitation to the van. I'm going to park in Williamsburg by a park. All right. So wait for that. Meanwhile, Carl's just like, hey! Did I fuck a parrot, or is that in my head? Craig has got into the house. He has peed.

And now he is examining every snack item available. He's actually trying to fix that front door so he's going to be occupied for another hour. Don't they show Craig in a bedroom just eating chips looking in the mirror? Yeah, staring in the mirror at himself like, I think this will be really good for the sowing down South Social. I'm a leader of industry now. He can wait on my time. I'm not only a chip eater, I'm a storyteller.

So, West sees Sierra. So, West is with Sierra and Jesse, and he's just, you know, binging kind of on everything. And Sierra's like, I'm hot. And he's like, I'm just so scared of Sierra. And Jesse's like, come on, man, give her a hug. Do it, bro. You guys can do it. Wake up. He does that. He does this like head jerk thing to like make you agree with him. It's kind of like Bronwyn from Salt Lake City who's always talking like this. She's like, mm-hmm.

So you're a low life piece of shit. You agree, yes? Mm-hmm. That's kind of like that. Where it's like, bro. West is like, you know what? I get what Jesse's trying to do. And like last summer was like fucking great

cause it was like a great trio. We were like Scotty Pippen and Jordan Rodman. No, you were like the siblings on the white Lotus, okay? If you know what I'm saying. No, I never wanted to see any of these people fuck. That's for sure. Sorry. By the way, he has to be careful cause you're on Bravo and when you say we're like Pippin

and Jordan, that means Larsa and Marcus to us. It's a very different analogy. What an honor, like. It's just like. Oh, sorry. You're Larsa? I was like, who's that? Larsa. It's an honor, like, to be invited to your summer house, like. Yeah, like it's really good to be here. Like, you know what? I like carry around cards in my purse,

but I don't even know why. Like. Marcus would fit in well. I mean, I've seen the headlines. So Wes is like, I'm just so hard, being so awkward around someone, he's so mean to me, just because I wasn't into her. He's walking around with a guy liner smeared down his face. All sad.

His belly hanging out. He's got like ho-ho crumbs smeared on his cheek and he's wearing rainbow colored parrot wings on his back, which I don't think is going to help you at a straight party. No. There are no gay people on this cast, sir. He's going off banging people on futons and coming back on camera to be like, oh, my life is sucks now. So Sierra.

I don't think he's getting laid though. Cause look at this, every time he comes back to the house, he's like, yeah, I got some maybe on a futon, right? Maybe. But then look at this house. Everyone was like, hi. Oh, hi. No one's putting, no one's letting that inside of them.

I'm just, I'm calling it now. So Sierra and Jesse are talking. Uh, he makes her take off her giant Pelican beak and uh, he's like, she's like, wow, that costume, you really commit hard, huh? And she goes, you think I commit hard? Yeah, like with my boy. She's like, but she's like, but she's like, ha ha, Jesse Solomon, because they're kind of flirting. So then Wes meets some new girl and she's like, I like your outfit. And he goes, yeah, I mean, it's okay. She's like, walks away. So then Jesse's like, yeah, you're still giving like

negative energy towards Wes. And he's just trying to figure out what he's supposed to do. He just wants to fully move on. And she's like, well, you might suggest, I don't know, cyanide, razors, maybe putting his lips around a tailpipe and just letting me press the gas. With it being in park, of course. maybe putting his lips around a tailpipe and just letting me press the gas. With it being in park, of course. So that would be awkward, right?

He's like, all right, it's like, she's like, damn it. I was ready to go. She like sets up a murder scheme and then drives away from it. Now that's the summer house cast in White Lotus. They just bungle every murder. So basically she's like,

yeah, he used me for an entire summer and fuck him. And I say, I agree. So thank you. So Kyle's just still on that dinghy. At this point, he's found a volleyball and drawn a face on it. Elson. So, then, Wes sees Sierra and Jess talking and he's like, man, a lot of conversations going on on that island.

So, Sierra's like, yeah, well, you know how like you when you don't like somebody, you know, like how there's like when a homely person there and you don't like them, but they're like, but I like you and you're like, no one else is here. So you give them a chance. Yeah, that's what happened. Hey, so what's the problem? Why don't you just give me a chance if it was that easy. I'm sitting here too.

She's like, well, Jesse call. I mean, well, she's like, well, why didn't you try? And he's like, well, cause my boy called dibs. And she's yeah. Yeah. No, that's gross. So she's like, Jesse Solomon, don't let whoever stop you from finding your wife, okay? And he's like, don't you hear that?

We're not empowering Jesse Solomon today. He's like, yeah, are you saying don't let Lexi stop me from having you? And he's like kissing her hand and she's like, yeah, this is like the first time I'm hearing him say that he's interested in me. Like honestly, last year it was fair game. I mean, everyone here is mediocre. I could have picked any one of them. It is so fun every season watching supermodel Sierra come onto the show and slowly lower

her standards every week until by the end of the summer, she's boning someone like Austin. She's like, well, it's sad. It's like watching Southern charm over and over again. Every season they're like, here's the new fresh crop of 25 year olds. Abuse them boys. She's like, my horniness has outweighed my standards. Okay, bring them in.

It's like that line in, is it Dazed and Confused where Matthew McConaughey is like, yeah, I just keep coming back to high school because I keep getting older, but they all stay the same age. So Carl's like, hey, rub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-du So he finally gets, Craig finally gets back into the dinghy, which is such a funny thing to say. And he gets in and he's got, oh, I was gonna be, I was gonna mind you.

And he's like, it's all right, bro. It's all right, bro. Oh, yeah, we don't need to see this. It's all right, bro. Okay. No bad, bye, bad. So Jesse's watching this and he's like, yeah, look at that over there. Craig just big dicking Kyle like that's hilarious.

He's not gonna accept an apology either. I mean, that guy really wants him to change his whole mindset. And we see a flashback of Craig shirtless talking to Weston Jesse. He's like, yeah, listen, he shouldn't be like that. I'm like a leader in my field, all right? And him acting like that, like, you know what I did? You wanna make a move like that? Then I'll pull Loverboy out of every single one of my stores.

And I called every single Loverboy. It was two. He has two stores. I called two stores. He has two stores. That are not alcohol serving stores. And I said, you get that shit out of my store. Wow.

Wow. That's gonna put a huge dent in sales now that Loverboy has been removed from two pillow shops. Wow. Oh my God. Because we all know when you wanna get drunk, where do you go? The pillow shop.

Talk about soft. Ha, I kind of stole my concerts. Contestant. Brick and mortar. So we go to Carl and Craig and Kyle's like, by the way, whoa. Hey, can we stop the ride from rock? Do you feel like we're rocking?

It's like a real dinghy. No. Craig is confused. Kyle's like, real dinghy. No. Greg is confused. Cause like I didn't take my drumming. Ha ha. Get it. And then Carl does this weird thing where he's like, yeah, all right, let's talk about lover boy. Welcome to the boardroom. He goes into business mode because this is, this is, this is what like tech bros do they party party party like all right

synergy, okay forecast Okay. Well, listen, bro. I would have loved to talk to you about it last night And but now we're gonna talk about it now. Well, what dress is pirates, but that's okay My goal is just to put this to bed but in a dinghy. Okay I mean, you know, I like I want to go back to the world We're going on double dates and go in a world where you and I are like, you know when we're in a dinghy, okay? You know what, like I wanna go back to the world where we're going on double dates and going to a world where you and I are like, you know, when we're in a dinghy, we're like having fun, bro. You know what I'm saying, man? Yeah, but you're like the only one who like made this a thing.

And Craig's leaning back, like he owns a fucking world. As if he didn't just get told off in that same seat by Paige just for about 10 minutes ago. But he's got a pirate hat on and page just looking at Kyle like, eh. So Kyle's like, look, I've known you for like six years, bro. And like, I know if, you know,

if I know my friend spend his blood, sweat and tears building something, the last thing I'm doing is getting into bed with a direct comp, I'm drunk, competitor. But you a direct count, I'm drunk competitor. But you're taking money out of people's pockets, bro. Craig, the regular Jean Valjean of the show. 24601. I stole a loaf of bread so I could feed it to my pillows.

What do you mean? Listen, no matter how I went about it, it isn't my deal. My deal doesn't affect Loverboy. I just don't know how you wanted me to go about it, okay? I was approached with a deal. I told you I was approached with a deal. I took the deal.

Then you texted me and you said please please save my children save my wife I depend on you for all of my business advice. Please don't take this away No, bro. I just I want you to be on the loverboy team, but now I'm on my own Selling spritritzers without you. Yeah, but I said it's just business. And you said you hated when people say that because it meant they're doing something shitty. Which is a good point.

Yeah, I think that's a good point. I don't think anyone's been like, don't worry about it. It's just business when they're like actually helping you. It's like, but I don't feel bad about it, okay's just business when they're like actually helping you, you know, I don't feel bad about it. Okay. And you said I had a reputation for lying. How dare you. I had to hear about that sitting across from the queen having tea in England. Do you know how embarrassing that was? So you're just like, not going to apologize. Is that like that? You're just not going to apologize for calling me a liar. When have I ever lied?

And God bless Bravo for the first time they did not roll a 10 minute montage of Greg lying for a decade. Then Carl's like, bro, you're sad. I don't think your level of sadness could ever appropriate the amount of sadness a little fall of rain. And now learn me now. You're here. That's all I need to know.

That sounded like Luan doing, yeah. Lou Miserabe. There is a castle on a cloud. Master of the eggs a la Francaise. Commercials, here comes one right now. So both guys have a spritzer business that's probably not profiting, let's be honest. Because last year we found out Kyle wasn't making a profit. He's like, I'm a million something in debt, bro. And Craig, I don't even think he owns that.

He's just like got paid some money to do that. So they both look at each other and they're like, we're not gonna fight forever about not profiting off of spritzers. Okay, let's just drop it. Yeah. So they do. Never let a spritzer come between your friendships.

So basically they're like, yeah, let's just be friends again. And they hug and they're like, all we care about is the girls. Bro, all I care about is us and the girls who we're gonna be in relationships with for a very long time. I just wanna go back to double dating,

especially in the new year. Just you and me and you and Paige. Let's just do it, bro. Two couples destined to last. So then the party starts going on and raging all around us and we get one of the ultimate Trixie Monopole bingers. Yes. Please don't come and kill my vibe right now.

If you're not up for a good time, please get out. Spread the good vibes over here. Spread the good vibes over here. Poke at your goddamn finger out of your asshole. We're trying to record here. That's a jam. They play good vibes over here. Pong, get your goddamn finger out of your asshole. We're trying to record here. That's a jam. They play that one a lot. Have you guys noticed that song? It's like... It's great. So now Paige is talking to Emeril and Amanda. And Paige is like, oh, look, this is a parrot.

This is my friend Polly Emeril. OK, be nice to her. She likes drunks and crackers. She married one. And Emeril's like, oh, yeah, I met a girl named Polly at Burning Man. It's the hardest name to have over there. Because if you say, hey, you're Polly, everyone's like, yeah,

because everyone's Polly over here. I have sex and swings. I don't think Polly. Everyone's like, yeah, because everyone's Polly over here. I have sex and swings. I don't think Polly just means fucking everybody, does it? Doesn't Polly mean when you have multiple deep relationships? Because I lived next door to a Polly girl for a long time, and I was like, please have less relationships. And it wasn't even the fucking, because that was so, I have to say, it was so low volume.

I could hear it because it was right next door. But it was like this. Yeah. What do you what do you think? They talked. They just fucking. It was like one bang. How do you feel about that? Well, maybe we should invite Ethan over and Ethan can tell us how he feels about that. I was like, oh, my God, I'll, I'll just stay a whore, you know?

Maybe, maybe when he said that he was Polly, he meant Dushi. That would make a lot more sense. So anyway, uh, they're like, okay, RGBs. There are so, by the way, they're so visibly disgusted with them role every time they're like, well, I guess we have to talk to them today. So let's, let's walk by and say one thing. Uh, this benign. How about, oh, here's a parrot. Polly want a cracker. Hey, Polly, right? Like, oh. Yeah, I'm Polly, too.

I tend to every girl with Burning Man. Mm-hmm. So, Ciara goes up to Carl, and she's like, so, Carl, who's that chick you got? No one's gonna do anything. No one's gonna talk. I'm gonna do anything, you know I'm gonna talk. I'm gonna put on an inflatable shark outfit and DJ. Please don't try and kill my dad right now. Please don't try and kill my dad.

From like on the other side of the fence is Danielle being like, club sandy. You guys forgot to leave the key under the map and it's club's way here. Hey, can you play that song before I have to catch the L.A. double R? I'm Polly too. By the way, I am, I hate when Kyle gets into his inflatable costume because it's always the same thing. He puts on the inflatable costume and then it inevitably is, Manda, I'm so hot. Don't do it to yourself, Kyle. So Ciara goes up to Carl and she's like,

so who's that girl? And he's like, oh, her name is Lil. Yeah, well, she's telling people she fucks lemurs. So. She tried to pull a card out of my ear, but accidentally sliced me with a broken bottle. It was weird. And it cuts to Lil dancing and she's like, Lil's in some washing machine of her own. She's the only one like, Carl's like, I did have Scorona date. We're going to split a Sprite bottle with my parents

on a Wednesday morning. So Craig is now talking about Weston, Jesse to Amanda, because, you know, Craig's ultimate goal here is just to gossip. You know, that's all he wants to do. So he's like, wow, watching them run around, it's funny. They're like kids with a shiny new thing. Talking about the boys, because they are still doing the hors d'oeuvre thing,

where they're just seeing girls, like, grabbing whatever they can. And Amanda's like, they forget we exist at parties sometimes. It's almost like we married them. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Craig's like, yeah, it's like we married them. Craig's like, yeah, it's like fun to watch. They're like kids with like shiny objects. Oh, I'm you mean like you guys in Southern term? Yes, absolutely.

So then West does the splits, you know, because Kyle Richards is not on TV at the moment. So we did. It's been two days since we've seen Kyle Richards. Unfortunately, he doesn't have enough hair to do that ponytail thing. So Jesse comes up to talk to him and Jesse's like, Hey Craig, hey, can I ask you a question? Let me ask you. Here, bro. How do you stop? Like, how do you stop for Paige when there's like all these hot girls around? Like, how stop yourself and Craig goes you date your number one?

That's how like you got to date the girl that you cheat on your girlfriend with Yeah, that's so romantic I Just wanted the reason the moment I boss of mistresses That's what you do the final boss the moment I knew I ultimate boss of mistresses, that's what you do. The final boss. The moment I knew I was in love with you was when I knew that I could someday cheat on you, but instead I wouldn't. What's the name of the bat? What's the big dinosaur in Super Mario at the end?

What's his name? Bow Wow. Bowser. Oh, Bowser, yeah. It's Lil's his name? Bow Wow Bowser. Oh, Bowser. Yeah, little bow wow. That has a great rap career. The Bowser of mistress is I'm the architect. Hey. You know what I like about Mario?

He's not just a plumber, he's a storyteller. When I saw that short guys get such hot ass, I got hard. So, Amanda. I was like, do you know how, do you know how, how quickly I just went through a Rolodex of Super Mario characters to figure out which one was Paige? It's Paige just always running away from Mario. Like, oh no. Yes.

I've been kidnapped. Oh no, Craig. Sorry. I'm kidnapped. Oh, sorry. I'm living with some big guy with a jacked body in a castle now. Sorry, Craig.

Bye. Oh, sure. I'll marry you. Oh, here it is. Our lovely whoops. Here's the dinosaur thing. Captured me. Bye.

Does that mean that Luigi is Austin? Craig is insane right now. it's a mushroom kingdom. But what's Shep? Shep is toad. Gosh, the princess is stolen. You have to save the princess, and her freckled little lips! Patricia's just that thing on a cloud that throws spiky turtles at everybody.

Sorry! Sorry! Whitney is a Koopa Troopa. Mother! Mother! Mother! Mother! Mother! Mother! Mother! Mother. Mother.

So, Amanda is, they're still talking to Jesse and Craig. So Amanda's like, it's hard to read him, you know? Like sometimes he's like, look at all these girls, but if Lexi was here, he'd be like a little parrot because she's his prize. And Craig's like, let's ask him. Jesse, come here, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse. Amanda said you're into Lexi. He's like, well, it's hard because you know, there's Lexi and everything. I mean, one thing about Lexi is I'm never confused about where her lips are. You know, they're pretty well outlined.

are. They're pretty well outlined. There's just so many hot chicks here, you know what I'm saying? Are you afraid to change your ways? He's like, I mean, yeah, I'll be lying if I said there was a small part of me. He's like, so you want to change your ways? I mean, because there's hot girls around? I mean, because yeah, they're really hot. Maybe you'd want to kiss them in an alternate reality. I mean, yeah, sure. Okay. So you want to cheat? I mean, okay, I'm going to go tell everyone you want to cheat. Amanda just is like, come on, give me something. I got to go around and tell people something. She kind of does do that. But there's that moment where she's just like, are you afraid

to change your ways for a woman? You know, it's the right woman if she makes you want to change Even if you never really do cut the car He's at the front of the dinghy going I ain't in the world So right goes yeah, you know you don't date so I love that Craig's a fucking expert. Shut up, Craig. Who's asking Craig? So Craig's like, you don't want to date someone cause they check the boxes cut to Craig literally on Southern charm the day before or the day after this show airs going, I just like page Andy cause she checked all the boxes.

He literally said that. So Jesse's like, I mean, I had a really good conversation with Sierra. And he's like, you know, when I asked her, I said, like, you know, what could have happened if I just showed up on time a year ago? And she was like, well, why didn't you try? And I was like, well, my boy called dibs, you know? And you know, Lexi was at home watching that

with her lip liner like. Rrrr. So Amanda's like, okay, but if there was a burning building, who would you save? Lexi or Sierra? It's a given that we're all gonna kill Jules. So just leave her in there. It's her favorite game.

Who would you save from a burning building? And he says, he says, well, they're both small. Put them both over my shoulder. Menage a trois, right? And she made us like, wait, so you're not gonna save me? I was like, yes, it took five years. By karma. So he's like, I mean, I'm not blind. Have you seen Sierra?

I mean, she's a model. All right. Like, of course I'd say, but we just have a friend vibe because she dated my friend, you know, we haven't discovered beyond that. Should we do it? We should. Are you saying we should? We totally should.

Okay. I would date Sierra. Listen, I'm a heterosexual male. I would. Oh my God, Lexi. We're not on camera still, right? We're not on camera still, right? Yeah. So then he leaves and Craig's like, whoa, did you guys know that he likes Sierra? She's like, well, I mean, I asked her and she said that she's not a honey hopper. I was

like, who says that? She's going gonna end up with West after all this is done instead. Oh, a homiehopper. Still, I'm not a homiehopper. I just wrote it down wrong. Well, they both have reasons that are bullshit for them not being together. So let's get them together so that way everything goes wrong in their lives Do you know how much pain would be saved if we had you guys here for every recap? I know So then this is it So pages on her bed and Sierra Sierra walks in the room and Sierra goes oh I love how I knew exactly where you'd be. I was like, yeah, so did America.

Yeah. So Craig's like, it's not nothing, Amanda. This is a big deal. OK, so Carl's like, we promised never to come after each other's brand, so we're chummy now. Shark reference. Ugh. brand. So, you know, we're chummy now. Shark reference.

So Sierra's like, Oh, I talked to Jesse. And Paige is like, Oh, I saw that. That was for like a long time. Yeah. You're really lucky. Cause I had to hear Emeril talk about fisting someone's gardener for 30 minutes. So, uh, meanwhile we got to, uh, we got to the Ratliff brothers peeing and West is like... On the lawn. He's like... In case anybody was wondering where they were peeing. I mean, where else would they be?

So West is like... You know what, Emerald, don't answer that. West is like... He's like, hey, bro, want some Hampty Wah? Hampty Wah! And he's like, my mom texted me and she was like, how do you open Hampton's water, Hampty Wah? Like, literally, we've got our dicks out right now trying to open the Hampty Wah.

Please just die. I want these people to choke. Every good thing has to come to an end. And such is the case for Carl and Lil's date. Well, I'm so glad you came. I was just saying, the summer's nice because I'm actually within this group of friends. I have my own voice and my own self and it sounds like this oh I don't know what to say so it just feels good to be like here leaning into lemur energy learning about magic maybe someday and knowing that like there's a girl who wants to have a soda with me. I'm just a lemur standing in front of a girl asking her to love me.

Yeah, because in my last relationship, that girl got pregnant with his baby in the bed I paid for in that apartment. Yeah, hopefully with her fucking cardboard cutout standing above her going, fuck yeah, you made the right choice, Lindsey. What? So this girl's- What bed did Carl pay for? What bed did Carl pay for? Carl did not pay for a bed.

I'd like to know. So then her parents come to pick her up and they're like, Hi honey, we brought the mermaid tail you asked for. Oh, there we are. Hi, you look great by the way. Oh, you look great by the way. Aww! You look great in guy liner! Aww, thanks so much!

You look great in lady eyeliner, which I guess is just lady eyeliner. Oh no, this is getting scary! Aww! He's so charming! What are you supposed to be, a pirate? He's like, yeah, I guess I should be saying, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yo, ho, all hands, mine the soft soda on the boat. of soda on the boat. So next we go to the city.

Thank you for the scattered applause. Thank you. We go to the city and Lindsay's in her apartment, lighting sage. Do you think? This is where the baby's going. This is where the futon that Carl claims that he paid for was. Out, lemur energy.

Out. Lemur. Oh, god. I don't know. I don't know. I never did this in lemur. OK. Oh, wait.

This spot here is the sandwich that I made for that other guy, Shravy. OK, let's get. Oh, wait. This spot over here, I'm going to say choice. I don't remember. Error. Error.

Error. Here's the sandwich making station. Ow, ow. Oh, there's reporter Christina Gibson gonna sage her out. Okay. So she's like, um, this apartment seems so much and I considered moving. But if you eliminate the bad energy, it's fine. I'm fine, girl.

So now I'm stress-free and I don't give a fuck. So then she gets on the phone with Aunt Rhonda. I have never seen Aunt Rhonda this happy. Normally when they show Aunt Rhonda, she's like, hey, honey, why are you calling me? Why do I need to hear another 10-minute sob about a man? Not this time. She's like She's like wait a second, are you telling me you took down your neon Rathaus sign? Oh my god

I thought the day would never come. Thank God She's so happy. She's like, how are you girls doing? Oh, God, are you sage in your apartment? You need a fresh sage, love. Get rid of them. Burn it down. Burn Carl out of that fucking place. Mm. You just hear the sound of the spirits leaving. They're like, soft.

Frickin' mortar. Hug me harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder,

harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, harder, I'm in a bad vibes couch. And then we see a clip of them sitting on that couch and Carl's like, oh, we're supposed to be there in two months and I'm not ready to do that. And they just keep pointing. It's like, ding, the couch, ding. It's the bad vibes couch, ding, ding, ding.

So Lindsay's like, yeah, I don't have FOMO about missing this party, stupid pirate party, ship's like, yeah, I don't have FOMO about missing this party, stupid pirate party, shipwrecked, which actually I came up with that idea and Carl just took it because he doesn't have any of his own ideas, not even for stupid parties. I thought that was so funny that Carl couldn't even come up with his own party idea. Wish you a new shipwrecked party, I can be here next week. Stole her shipwreck party. It's like next year, Carl's be like,

guys, I was thinking about having a party and it could be in, I don't know, I was just thinking about something like maybe tribute to Aunt Rhonda, I don't know. They're like, did you come up with that on your own, Carl? Yeah, totally, totally. And Aunt Rhonda's like, good for you, Lindsey. God, the only thing about you having a decent man

and not having to dump a terrible man is where am I gonna get the serotonin left? Ah! So back to the party, Jesse and Wes, they're sort of hanging out. Jesse has shit-faced. He has torn his pants from dancing on the dance floor. I can't even imagine how badly he mangled the Venga bus,

but he did. And Wes is like, Jesse is basically saying like, by the way, I was talking to Sierra and I wanted to defend your honor, bro. And she just kept on being like, oh, you used her. And I was like, no, bro, like, how do we get back to being a place where we're all friends again? She looked at me and was kind of like, never, bro. And then West is like, I'm sad.

Well yeah, cause that whole conversation with Sierra, he was supposed to be like, hey bro, give my bro a chance Sierra. He's a good guy. Maybe you can marry Wes after all. And instead he was like, hey Sierra, sure. We've got a chance, don't we honey? He sort of like, he kind of like messed up the mission, you know?

We're just friends. We're just friends. So you're saying I have a chance, right? She's like, I'm going to put on my Pelican mask again. So basically, yeah. And so now Wes is all in his feelings like, oh my God, I can't believe she said that, you know? Like, God, he gets to really what the core is, which is like, Austin was way worse than I was. She still talks to Austin. Why am I getting raked over the goals? Was Austin worse than I don't think Austin was worse. Austin was pretty bad.

Austin was worse. Austin, because he didn't say because she told she was straight up with West and said, listen, I'm not going to sleep with you unless we have something Austin didn't necessarily say that also was just kind of like The ones who started it fuck around here Charles do whatever like it's fine We'll have a double date and she kind of assumed but with the West she was like no This is what I want. Don't fuck me over and he's like fuck you over never By the way, New York Times never really liked Sierra that that's true this is what I want. Don't fuck me over. And he's like, fuck you over. Never. By the way, New York times never really liked Sierra. That's true.

I think West is actually worse. Although Austin Austin did say you look like goddamn Celine Dion, which is a strange one. Celine Dion does not deserve that just to just to be associated with Austin, I mean. So anyway, so Sierra and Paige are in bed, of course, and Paige says the least surprising thing, which is, this party is draining me. You know, Craig and I went to dinner Thursday night. I had to have kangaroo. Ew, disgusting. And he just started to be like, I come to you 90% of the time and we never even talk about it

and now you're like going on tour and like, am I gonna be like, I just started to be like I come to you 90% of the time and we never even talk about it And now you're like going on tour and like am I gonna be like I just want to make sure our relationship is like a priority Like gross disgusting Sierra's like yeah, like woe is me and then she gets her iPad and she's like Then she goes and I'm not gonna tell you again And pages like well we got home and then he was like well obviously on camera And she goes, and I'm not going to tell you again. And Paige is like, well, we got home. And then he was like, well, obviously on camera, I'm not going to say that your shit's bigger than mine.

Cause that would look negative towards me. And I was like, but it would look positive towards me, Craig. And she's like, what? He wouldn't even say his shit was, that your shit was bigger than his shit? Dump that fucking idiot. Damn it. Did I say that again?

And Craig, meanwhile meanwhile is like, where's my girlfriend, girlfriend? Paige is like, I mean, I'm trying to wonder, like is Craig like a secret hater and a storyteller? So Sierra's like, well, he shouldn't have, she shouldn't have to pay for his lack of self esteem. This is all on him. Fuck that guy. So, Jesse and West went on a podcast, I think it was Virtual Reality, and they were talking and Jesse's like, wow, the girls are real convincing with how they say that men are screwing them over and stuff. I mean,

Craig was just saying, make our relationship a priority. Is that so bad. I mean, Craig was just saying like, make our relationship a priority. Like, is that so bad? I mean, what's so wrong with that? And the host of that was like, you're gonna get... Like, you could just hear him being like, you're gonna get your ass beat with page here. Because that's not all Craig did. Craig said, you know, you can't really work the same when we're together and you have a baby. So this is the end, right? This is all you're gonna do. He is trying to hold that girl back and I'm glad she dumped him. And Jesse, I'm not surprised. Oh yeah. We have been and continue to be resolutely team Paige on this situation. So outside- Jesse said that the rest of his season is not very good and we're about to see why.

But I was like, you just made it 10 times worse. Do you really want, do you really need Paige after your ass now? She's like, okay, another death on my list. So, revenge. So outside. Do you remember that show? Revenge.

The ocean would be like. So outside the party is in full swing. Let's pretend that Lil didn't actually leave yet, because apparently she hasn't, because now we see her doing the worm. Which just, OK, it's funny to see anyone doing the worm, but Lil doing the worm. Lil does the worm just in conversation.

She's like, you know, I'm really into cards. She's like trying to pull a rabbit out of a hat, but also doing the worm at the same time. She's doing an interpretive dance, uh, commemorating her future relationship with Carl. See it all working out. So then upstairs, Amanda joins the girls upstairs and she's asking, she's like, by the way, you guys,

like she's talking about like, Jesse, I think she's talking about, is she talking about Jesse and Sierra? Yes, because Amanda's like, I've been picking up on it all fucking summer and I mentioned to her a couple of times and she's like, no, I would never and I thought it was a joke, but then they were like this and dancing with each other. That sounds gross.

I'm trying to hide in bed away from this gross shit. Could you please stop? I don't wanna go downstairs. I don't wanna look at that. And I heard Lilla's doing the worm. Can someone just bomb this house? Although I do want a chicken finger. Okay, I'm gonna come down.

And we do see, I mean, like, Jesse is like grinding up on Sierra. Lexi will not be happy with that. And we do see, I mean, like, Jessie is, like, grinding up on Sierra. Lexi will not be happy with that, and I can't wait to see her reaction. Yeah. And Amanda's like, is it weird eating chicken fingers? Because I'm like a bird, and I'm eating another bird. Deep thoughts on this show at all times. So they go, the party ends, and I was shocked that Amanda did not go running out to the

backyard to say, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. She must have really been upset that she didn't get to say it this week, because that's kind of all she does on the show, is kick people out of the house. So Paige is like, all right, get the boys up to my room. We need to gossip. I'll be on the bed. So now Jessie is putting Sierra's feet on his leg on the couch. They're kind of gathering on the couch and they're all getting flirty and drunk.

So Jessie has her feet on his leg and she's like, my feet are ashy. And Paige is like, suck her toes. It's great. Great foreshadowing. I didn't even know what was going to come. And I mean that in all ways. So Sierra's like, ew, don't suck my toes. So then of course, like Emeril's like, what was that? And he's like, ew, don't suck my toes. So then, of course, like, Emeril's like, what was that?

And he's like, wait a second, someone could be sucking my toes. Who wants to go out tonight? And so they're like, yeah, let's all go out. Let's go out tonight. So they're all going to go out. And Paige is like, ew, disgusting. A non-bed activity?

I would never. But then Amanda sees Wes outside by himself. And she's like, that's so sad. Wes is out there all by himself. Do you think he's okay? And it just shows Wes dancing all alone in those wings at the edge of the dance floor where nobody is. He's like.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Sad little puppy. So now Amanda goes out there to check on him, basically to get gas. And he's like, dude, like it's getting to the point where like I'm trying to be nice and I'm trying to be civil, but like she won't be friends with me. Like it's like really not fair because it's not my fault. It didn't work out just because she said, promise you won't use me.

And then I used her and then like went on to bang random chicks at bars across the country. Like that just like hurts a lot. He's like, yeah, like, I'm sorry, but you can't get mad at me just because I didn't want to date you. And then keep villainizing me because we're not dating. I was like, Oh my God, you're just making this so much worse. That's not the point. You piece of shit. She never would have dated you in the first place Yeah, you bag and bag and bag God it's like when you give somebody a fiver on the street and you're like, I'm a fucking baller I just helped somebody today and they're like, that's it Fuck you you fat bastard you got more than that Well, it wouldn't be Summer House without someone love bombing.

So let's go into the bathroom where Jesse is peeing and simultaneously flirting with Lexi on the FaceTime. She's like, Oh my God, you're calling me. Are you peeing right now? And it's like, what's the sound of peeing? I don't know how you make that with... I've never tried to make that with my mouth. No, but like the bubbles hitting the water like... I really liked... I really liked...

I have to say, I really liked the audience participation on that just now. But you're like, what's the sound of peeing? And then we all were like... It's likesss, psss, psss. It's like we're both doing pee sound and calling a bunch of cats. So. I love seeing you, right Nancy? Yes you are.

Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee. So then we go to Craig and Paige. And Craig, they're sitting on the bed. And Craig is like, we haven't eaten all day today. She's, I ate. What did you eat? Chicken? What?

No, chicken. What? Chicken. What? I ate chicken. You didn't eat me. I'm alive. No, chicken.

What? The thing that I ate today was chicken. You're gonna tell me? Hey, Craig, why did the chicken cross the road? Why? To get away from chicken. How Why take it away from chicken? What how do I get away from myself I've been asking myself the same question for two years. Hey Craig. Hey Craig. Um, can you get your phone?

Well, where is it? It's right here. Why do you want to know? Okay now lay back? Okay Now go on it and shut up. He goes, why should I do that? She goes, so I can go on mine. Please be quiet. Hey Craig. Hey Craig, can I see one of your pillows? Sure.

Okay. Oh, can you just hold it a little closer to your face? Yeah. A little closer. Yeah. A little closer. I don't know if I can breathe anymore. Closer.

Oh, oh, oh. He did it to himself, not my fault. Back to Jesse and Lexi. Do you miss me? Yeah, I mean, yeah, I miss you. I jerked off before the party, so I wouldn't like miss you too bad. If these two aren't a forever couple, I don't know who is.

And she's like, um, yeah, you know, so like, I mean, but it didn't work because I jerked off, but then I still missed you. She goes, oh, that's exactly what I wanted to hear. It's like, there's no hope for you. Listen, Lexi, I'm trying with you. She goes, Oh, that's exactly what I wanted to hear. It's like, there's no hope for you. Listen, Lexi, I'm trying with you. This man is being as he calls you and then talks about jerking off so he doesn't miss you. Girl, bye. That was he was trying to save that what he meant to say was I jerked off so I wouldn't cheat on you. Yeah, then he was like,

so I don't miss you. And then she's like, but I want you to jerk off to me, right? And then she's like, I miss you. And she's like, eh, okay. So it's like, yeah, I mean, I thought about you before jerking off, I thought about you during jerking off, I thought about you after jerking off. She's like, you thought about me after? And he's like, well, right now it's after.

So I guess I'm thinking about you. Oh my God, I want to run to the Hamptons right now. I'm up in Canada with my family and like, I've been hearing from Jesse like nonstop. Even on a regular day, he calls me like 50 or 100 times, except for 37 minutes between the hours of 3 a.m. to 3.37 a.m. But you know, I mean, I just love it because he updates me with what he's doing,

and then I update him with what I'm doing. Lip liner, lip liner, lip liner, mom calls. I do a podcast with my sister, and my mom called 69 Girls. Then we put lip liner on each other, and then he calls me again. So he's like, yeah, I'm thinking about how bad it is with Wes and Sierra you know and like I just hope you and I don't ever come to that point you know. You're about to fuck Sierra what are you talking about?

So meanwhile it's that hour of the night the hour where Kyle is slumped over his DJ booth going, uh, Barney. So now everyone goes out. Everyone goes out for a good time. Everyone heads out. It's the usual thing. They go out and then they come back and they push open that door. You're like, okay, whatever. Craig does exactly what Kyle does when he comes home. He walks into the room when Paige is sleeping and he're like, okay, whatever. Craig is exactly what Kyle does when he comes home.

He walks into the room when Paige is sleeping and he's like, hey, honey, honey, look how early I am. I just couldn't do it. I had to come back to you. And then you see everyone is home at the same time as Craig. And, you know, as per tradition, Emeril brings his two friends to the house, an arrow and an arrow. Ding ding. Ding ding ding ding ding. Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. And we, well we have a little surprise for you guys, which is that we have the two girls from Summer House.

Please welcome the two friends, person in person. Hi, welcome. So good to see you guys. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, so yeah? Okay. Well, thanks so much for coming. Okay. Thank you. Bye. Wow. It's great to finally get to hear their perspective on this. So Emeril's like, hey, Jesse goes, hey, you brought two chicks home? Because Emeril, we just hear Emeril, he's putting like a washcloth over the camera, you know, so he can bone as he does every night. So he's putting it and then you just hear him go, I'm naked by the way. I know. But those two girls are like, um, so, but then in the middle of this, it gets obviously,

I guess it gets too hot because then he goes downstairs and he's like, but then he's like bragging, he's like, Hey everyone, two girls upstairs. And then we got a fan and they're like, what hey everyone, two girls upstairs. And then we got a fan and they're like, what, there's two girls up there? So even the guys, like the guys who are all horn dogs, usually they're like, what, you're fucking in the house? Fucking legend, yes, Emeril. Emeril, fucking like crazy.

By now they're like, you brought more women home? I know. Take the fan and open a window, please. God, man. So then... Except for Jesse. Jesse's like, you brought two girls home? Hey, maybe I'll check in. You know, so he like drunkenly walks down the hall and he opens the door and he goes,

I just really miss you guys. And then he goes into the room. What would Jesse Solomon do? I'm a dingin. So 37 minutes later. I was not expecting this. I thought he was going to walk in. It'd be a gag. It'd be silly. Ha ha ha ha ha.

But it was 37 minutes later. 37 minutes. You're 25. That should have been three minutes later. Come and done. 37 minutes later. 37 minutes? You're 25. That should have been three minutes later. Come and done. 37 minutes later is me. And this is how it ends. Oh my god.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Hand me those pills. Am I having a heart attack? Feel my pulse. Did I die already? I really got to start Zumba again. 25. I really got to start Zumba again. 25, shame on you. 37 minutes later.

So Jesse leaves and he's trying to be subtle. It's like, oh God, so great seeing you guys. Great seeing you. Love you guys. And then we see a closeup on the floor. When I tell you that I Zaprouder'd the shit out of this film. I've been backstage there, I downloaded it from the peacock. I was like rewind 10 seconds.

Baa! Ben, what does this look like to you? I'm air dropping it to you right now. He's like, some shit on the floor. Condoms? Does it look like condoms? What is he holding in his hand right now? What is he, is it a gun?

Is it a gun? It was like cereal. It was basically the next season of cereal. How many condoms were on the floor? Which is actually kind of like Lindsay now that I think about it. Oh my God, Lindsay would make a great prosecutor for a crime podcast. What were you doing in the middle of the murder? Now that I think about it. Oh my God, Lindsay would make a great prosecutor for a crime podcast. What were you doing in the night of the murder?

Did you sage beforehand? Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe He's like Ben, look at this. And I was looking. Girl, I was on the Reddit. I was looking at every detail. Like, what did people find? What did they find? So here's what it is.

I don't think their cond condoms on the ground, because they didn't have the little rib, the little curled up sections at the end. I think that was plastic wrap from something they had just unwrapped and thrown on the floor. Was it a box of condoms? I don't know. It was wrapping for something.

And then there was some little thong. And I'm so jealous of people who were that tiny. This thong was this big. It was like this. I had to do an image search. It was like, This song was this big. It was like this. I had to do an image search. It was like, it's a thong. I was like, no way. No, it's not. Is that a fingertip cover?

What the fuck is that thing? It was a thong. And then Jesse walks out and he's holding, we see a closeup of his hand and he's holding what looks like a rolled up sock that looks what? He came in it. I'll say it, he came in it.

So then Jesse walks down the hall and he's holding his phone in one hand and this sock thing in another, this wet sock, and then he's kinda trying to hide the sock and he almost puts it in his pocket but thinks against it, probably because it's a fucking splooge sock, and you know he's gonna wear those shorts 10 more times. But then by the time he gets back to the bedroom, the sock is gone and he's hidden it from the

camera. So I don't know, maybe it's like, it'll be fine in the back pocket. Either way, you just either got, do you think he just got a blood? What do you think he did? I, well, you know what? I guess we'll have to see what happens on the white lotus tonight before we fully I Want to know what happened because if it was a blowjob I feel so sorry for those girls and I'm now that we don't see them the night day because I want to see one

Of those arrows walking out with a jaw that's clicking like Here's my honest opinion is the following Which is that I think that Jesse went in there, I think the girl sucked on his toe, I think that the threesome did the threesome thing, and then I do think the creepy little brother from the White Loan has jerked him off. No, no, no, I do, I think that, I think Jesse jerked him,

I think Jesse jerked off while they were all doing something. That is my theory, so that way he could reasonably say, I didn't participate. It was funny. He can say, I never told you I girl. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let it be known. He didn't have that conversation where he's like, I jerked off and I thought of you. So maybe, and she thought it was romantic. So maybe it'll be like, I jerked off to a threesome and I pictured three of you. She's like, Oh my God, we'll see about this guy. Okay. So then people go to bed. Who cares? I just want to talk about this for the rest of my life. Really. So, so I'm going to go into white lotus threads. Like you guys, what was Jesse caring? You know, uh, you know what I can't wait to do once the White Lotus is done is to make some other

stupid Bravo mashup video and then people think that something that happened on the White Lotus happened in Bravo because remember when I did that with Heather Gay? Remember when we were all wondering how Heather Gay got her black eye and I just did a stupid video where I spliced in the end of White Lotus and people were like, guys, I heard that Heather Gay fell off a boat. And there was not a boat in sight on that show. And everyone's like, no, Heather Gay in the middle of the night went off to a boat and fell off. I saw the footage. So I'm ready, everyone. I'm ready to cause some shit on the internet. So good. So we wake up in the morning Kyle goes running

Jesse is talking to West in the kitchen and he's like a real like two chicks in his den So, you know, they were like come in Jesse So, you know, I put my toes in their faces kind of joking, you know And then they were like, you know, what do you want to do now? Like suck my toe and so they did When I tell you someone posted a close-up of this man's foot on the reddit. Listen. The toes are like this.

Listen listen his toes probably tasted great because listen what he look here's how he describes them. Well you know I've been partying outside. I was barefoot. Then I went to a club. Couldn't have smelled that great. Yeah. So then the producer's like, uh huh. And why did you take your socks off? And he's like, Oh, I was barefoot. I was barefoot when I went in there. And she's like, No, you weren't. And then they show a close up of him holding this sock in his hand as he leaves the room.

I was like, hire that producer onto the show. Next season, I want Lil and the producer on the show. That was so good. I was so proud of her. I was like, Pulitzer, Pulitzer. And then we see a flashback of him going in that room going, and I'm hard. Maybe we didn't get a timestamp, but I'm thinking that was probably the 37 minute mark. And they're like, Oh, just get out of here. Look at 37 minutes. So then we go to page and Craig in bed. So he's trying to snuggle and he's like,

to page and Craig in bed. So he's trying to snuggle and he's like, oh, sorry, I had a dream. I had a short dream. She's like, me too, it's called our relationship, get out. Sorry, did that come out of my mouth? He's like waking up and he like twitches or something and he knocks her phone out of her hand. I was like, oh, she's done with you now.

Do you see my hand? What's in it? Nothing, exactly. You're done. Get out of here. So then we go see Wes take his daily shower in the pool and Amanda's like in the middle of the night I had waves of nausea and I was like what the hell and then I looked over and Kyle was there and I was like, oh Yeah over and Kyle was there and I was like, Oh yeah. Kyle. Uh, Gabby says something.

She goes, I hate that for both of you. What time did you guys get back? Can we give Gabby something more to do on this show? Listen, people are making their own plot lines here. Gabby needs to get her toes out and go to work. So Jesse comes back and he's like, hey guys, got back or there was a threesome, huh? And the man is like, oh my God, you checked on him. How do you even have the confidence to walk in

on him and two girls? Gabby's like, wait, I thought you were joking. He actually brought two girls home. I, hold on, I have to put on my new disgusted face. And Jesse was like, well, this is what I was like, hi, you know, Girl Scout cookies or whatever. And then they were like, come fuck us. And I said, no, no, I couldn't. Lexi is better than foursomes. Right? You know what romance is not dead after all. Lexi is better than foursomes. And when you look deeply into my eyes and you said, Lexi, you're better than

foursims. I said, I do. Amanda's like, um, I'm going to let her know that you said that. And he goes, I mean, I didn't even consider that moment, what she might think about it. Amanda's like, great. Every girl's dream. And then we see Emeril coming out. They're playing this dramatic music, because I guess Emeril's in trouble now for having a force. Since when?

I don't know. But Emeril comes out. He's like, hey, guys, Paulie. Wiping her face. Giving himself the hobath as he walks out. And they're laying like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Emeril's here. And then we see clips of next week when Sierra's like bro

You fuck like ten people at a time in our house and it's getting fucking disgusting And that brings us to the end of summer housing Thank You Philadelphia for being here tonight, you're always an amazing crowd and we will see you next time You're always an amazing crowd and we will see you next time. We love you guys. Bye. Good night Watch what crap ins would like to thank its premium sponsors Ain't no thing like Alice and King our way is the amber way. It's the foster and the furious. It's Amanda Foster It's always automatic with Ashley Otto Ashley Savonioni, she don't take no baloney. Put your hands together for Carly Clapp.

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