Watch What Crappens - #2820 Below Deck Down Under S03E13: Lipsticking It To Her

Episode Date: April 29, 2025

Below Deck Down Under gets more passive aggressive as Lara gets a new weapon to use in her battle with Tzarina over the sous stew: lipstick. The lines have been drawn! To watch this recap on video, listen to our Traitors bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. Tickets for the Mounting Hysteria Tour are now on sale at watchwhatcrappens.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Watcha Crappin's ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. When a young woman named Desiree vanishes without a trace, the trail leads to Kat Torres, a charismatic influencer with millions of followers. But behind the glamorous posts and inspirational quotes, a sinister truth unravels. Binge all episodes of Don't Cross Cat early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. Watch What Crappens! Watch What Crappens! Guess what happens when there's so much that crappens! Well hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens! I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hello Ben! Hi! Whatcha doin'?

I'm hanging out with you. What are you doing? Just getting ready to do a little below deck, down under everybody, welcome to the Captain's Lounge. We are doing two shows here in Texas next week, which is very exciting. Our mounting Historia tour will be stopping in Austin at EMOs next Thursday, Friday we'll be in Dallas, and then the week after we'll be in Las Vegas for our first time.

So get your tickets, ticket links and all that good stuff over at watchwhatcrappens.com. That's also where you'll find links to our Patreon, which has these video recaps we're on right now. Hello video people. And our bonus episodes, we did a next gen NYC preview last week and this week we're doing a below deck regular flavor preview, which is gonna be really fun. That should be coming out tomorrow or the next day.

So check that out over at our Patreon. And also I just wanted to give a shout out to my friend Stephanie Wilder Taylor, who wrote a book called Drunkish about her sobriety journey. She's a really funny lady. I used to co-host Rose Pricks, a bachelor podcast with her. And now she has a podcast, a new podcast called Drunkish, based on her book, where she talks to regular people

and also celebrities, like whoever's kind of in her orbit on their sobriety journey, and of course makes it really funny. So if that's something you're going through or you're sober curious, as they say, go check out Drunkish. She's a talented lady and I'm proud of her for all of this good stuff.

What's going on with you today, Banoons? Well, now I'm feeling pride for our sweet Stephanie. I'm just happy here to talk some below deck. Had a really fun time watching it last night. And, you know, we have, I just want to also flag, too, some people have been asking, we are going to recap Love Hotel. We're gonna do that right after this, in fact.

So keep an ear and an eye out for that, because that's gonna be a real fun one for us. But you know, I'm just here, I'm, Below Deck Day, I really enjoy Below Deck Day these days. I don't know why, it's like a nice change up for me. So I'm happy, I'm a happy clam. Happy as a clam, pun intended intended because it's an aquatic show. Well, there you go. Are clams happy? I don't know where that

I guess because they look like they're smiling right because of their shell. If clams are happy, then why is it that if you're like palms get sweaty or whatever you say that you're clammy clammy clammy is not a happy adjective. I think I like happy as a clam is a... Right? Yeah. I think happy as a clam is a sarcastic phrase. Like, oh, I'm as happy as a clam.

Asshole. You know? Yeah, cause the only clams I ever see are dead. They don't look happy. They look very sad. They're like on top of a pasta. Or they're squirting you in the sand. Yeah.

Clams do not, they're not happy. They're literally not happy. Or they're like, like people use it as like a vagina thing, which I'm not saying vaginas aren't happy. It's just, you know, like, I don't know. I feel like we'd need to leave the clam alone at this point. It's not bringing the clam out.

Clams are probably upset because they have such a, they have such a monosyllabic sort of like womp womp name. Like, you know, something like, it's friend gets to be called a full-on muscle. You got barnacle, you got muscle, you got scallop, and oh, who's this? Clam. Clam.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Hey, Clam, welcome to the party. It was so good to see ya. Well, Freeway was backed up on the tent due to an accident. There was blood all over the road.

Boom. Boom. Hey, Clam, how you feeling today? Well, I got another grain of sand in me today, There's blood all over the road. Hey, clam, how you feeling today? Well, I got another grain of sand in me today, so whoever winds up eating me better wash me real hard. Otherwise, I'll have a sandy meal. Another fucking moron tried to find a pearl

in my asshole today, so that was fine. I had to tell them I'm not an oyster, you fucking idiot. I will say, Ignoramus. Clams do have a really cool cousin. Because, you know, like, clams are so... But actually, it's not like a cousin, it's like an older brother. Razor clams, that's pretty cool. If you're a razor clam, you're like...

Like, clam is always just like... In the shadow of its cool brother, Razor. Because, like, no other shellfish has Razor in its name. Unless you're a fat Razor clam, and then you're like, oh, they're like, oh my God, a fat Razor? What an embarrassment to the family. Well, it could be worse.

You could be a gooey duck, which are like... No one makes nice sayings out of gooey duck. Those poor things, people are like, oh. Like a gooey duck, people dress up like a gooey duck and win poor things. People are like, oh. Like a gooey duck. People dress up like a gooey duck and win an Oscar for it, you know? Yeah. That's like Charlize Theron's Oscar-winning turn.

So, everyone, the point of all of this is that Laura's an asshole. Okay, welcome to Below Deck. Down under, here we go. Lipstick Wars. Dun-dun-dun-d dun dun dun dun. Season three episode. No, it's not season three. It is?

Season three episode 13. Let's see what happens, shall we? Let's see. So, previously there's tension between Laura and Zarina. So then we're at the club, and because they just had a whole talk, like where Zarina sort of fixed things with Alicia. Alicia.

And then, but then she and Laura, is it? Okay, it's Alicia? Yeah. I'm probably driving the listeners nuts because all season long, I just can't tell. So I just alternate during the recap and just that way I hedge my bets. Yeah, it's Alicia. Yeah, it's Alicia.

Okay, good. Okay, we are officially... Listen, it took me eight episodes to get it right to you, sir, nine. So, I get it. And it's below deck. I feel like we should not be expected to get anything correct about these cast members until like episode 20 out of 24. Yeah. There's a lot of changes on this show.

When the mid-season trailer drops. Um... There's a lot of changes on this show. When the mid-season trailer drops. Um... Um... So... Um, anyway, so, Lara and Zarina just had a fight,

and Zarina's like, I've never had a stewardess ever tell me how to play it before in my life. So, now, Brie and Lara are in the bathroom complaining. Lara is venting, and Zarina, meanwhile, is venting to Harry and they're both complaining about each other and Laura's like, I said to Zarina, if I'm being totally honest, sometimes you can come across to me as passive aggressive and you can say things to me that make me feel stupid. And Zarina's saying like, she just doesn't back down. Like she has to have control of everything. And I'm just over it. Oh, like the Harry goes, Laura, we talking about Laura?

Yes, Harry, don't come console me if you're going to pretend you don't know who the fuck we're talking about. No, we're talking about Ruth Buzzi. So Laura's We're complaining about Bea Arthur biting her wrist. Yes, Harry. Thank you for that. Laura. Well, Zarina's great. I'm glad Zarina said the thing last week because she said a phrase that has gotten under Lara's skin and she cannot shake it. And we hear it for the first time here. Lara goes, I mean, she said to me, I've never had a stewardess. Tell me the way I should plate things. Well, one, I'm not a stewardess, I'm a chief stewardess. Oh, okay, doctor. Okay.

Let's just pull out the pitchforks. Do you remember that season when Kate called, I think it was Kate called, she's like, oh, yeah, we're all great, because you know, you're a yadi, I'm a yadi, because how dare you call me a yadi, you bigot! And like, he got all mad, because he said yadi is a derogatory term.

Listen, there's so much going on in the world. This is not the time for you. This is not the time for your parade, okay? No. She knows you're a chief stewardess, Laura, okay? And also, Ms. fucking gaslighter, you're the one that talks passive aggressively to people and makes them feel stupid, okay?

That's you. Stop turning people's, stop turning your own faults against people. I'll be your projector. I'll be your projector. I'll be your projector. Don't bring Beyonce into this. Don't sully her with Lara.

Blue Ivy's dancing behind me. I'll be your projector. This ain't, this ain't yarding. Dun, dun, dun. So, Zarina, like, Laura's just furious because Zarina got Laura where it hurts. And Laura's like, you know, Zarina and I have obviously had our differences in the past,

but we never argued about plate presentation because who would ever take plate notes from Quasimodo in the kitchen, but we never argued about plate presentation because who would ever take plate notes from Quasimodo in the kitchen, am I right? I mean, it's always my way or the highway. So I don't understand why Zarina's making this so personal. And so Bree's like, that's not a way to handle a confrontation. So then Alicia is talking to Nate, you know,

they're flirting and she's got on her flirting bow, her big old like little house on the prairie bow. When did those bows come back? They're so weird. My niece wears one of those bows, and I just wanna pull it off of her. You mean, is it a hair bow? Yes, the hair bow, like the big hair ribbons.

Oh, she has so much stuff dangling from her hair at all times. She always has two balls of hair, and then just like streamers and confetti, it's like little ticker tape parades going by. Yeah, she's got a lot of distractions in her hair. I do like her little mini buttons that she puts on top of her hair.

I like those that look kind of like you've been hit on the head multiple times. You just got like little bumps. I like those. They look cute. Um, so Alicia is like, oh, you're such a young spirit. And Nate's like, all right, I'll take young spirit. Doesn't he look like he's always trying to see something?

He's like, yeah. Spirit. I've got a young spirit. Every week we have a new take on what he looks like or what he's doing. I mean, I'm still riding high on the Inspector Gadget thing. I'm still gonna force that to happen. But yeah, he's like, okay, so he's Detective Quimby

trying to see the fog to see if Inspector Gadget has arrived yet. So he's, so Alicia's like, you know, you kind of walk around like this, like you have no worries in the world. He's like, that's how I feel. It's like, yeah, I mean, you're happy to be alive. Yeah, I mean, are you happy to be alive?

He's like, fuck yeah, we're gonna sweat tonight. Well, have you seen this season? I think you guys are gonna sweat every minute of the day, not just tonight. I hate to break it to you. You're gonna sweat all day, every day. And I like that she's shocked that, like, an attractive, blonde, tall, young, white guy

has no worries. She's like, it's amazing. Why are you so happy to be alive? He's like, I won the genetic lottery pretty much, so no complaints here. Um, so then Alicia is like, oh, yeah, he reminds me a lot of the previous guys I've dated. He's just like so playful and soft and I'm into that. So yeah, it wouldn't have worked out with Johnny Johnny. I thought Johnny was pretty

playful the way he punched that wall and then punched the door and slam the door then punch the door and then slam the wall. That was playful. Poor Johnny. I feel bad for Johnny watching this, because she's texting him every day, like, I miss you so much, and it's over. That's done. Not that she really owes Johnny anything. I mean, there are young people on a boat, you know?

But still, I do feel for Johnny. And even more, I feel for the cabinets in Johnny's house, because... I'm going through a rough time today. So, Alicia's like, by the way, did people tell you that I may have kissed the other Decan? And he's like, so?

What's that got to do with anything? And she's like, nothing, I just thought I'd tell you. I feel like you're just trouble, aren't you? And he's like, what? Do you see what I'm talking about? I'm not just Decan, I'm the Bosans. It's different. It's different. Did somebody turn the lights off in here?

You have to open your eyes. It's like, oh. Yeah. He's like, plays the piano brilliantly out of nowhere. I'm not just the, I'm not just Decan, I'm the Boson, which means that if we hook up, it's just a little bit more problematic because there's a power guy that make it play.

So let's have at it. So they get on the vans, each van has a pizza. It's just a little bit more problematic because there's a power guy that can play. So, let's hear Vannet. So they get on the vans, each van has a pizza, which... What a way, love it. That's how we need to start taking vans. What the hell? We need to start getting into Ubers with full pizzas. When we're touring, we do not do this. And this is like the first piece of travel

that I've ever seen on this show where I'm like, this is what I want. A lot of people watch Below Deck as aspiration. like I want to take a private yacht one day I don't I have no desire to get on a private yacht and sleep in a tiny bed and poop in some weird air-locked bathroom I don't have any desire for that But this this is the kind of travel I aspire to getting in a van with a pizza fuck. Yes show Yeah, I like that every van should with a pizza. Fuck yes, Chell. Yeah, I like that. Every van should have a pizza, okay. So Harry said, Harry's like,

well I think there's a lot of attention in this van right now. It's about you and Zarina, that's the issue. So Lara's saying, well I'm sorry, but if I've done the table to be that elegant for dinner service, I don't want blue plates. Like it doesn't go with the theme. And I don't think I should table to be that elegant for dinner service, I don't want blue plates. Like it doesn't go with the theme. And I don't think I should have to explain that.

I know she wants her food looking amazing, and I get that. But like, don't call me a stewardess. I'm a chief stewardess. That is my table. That was the right call for that dinner. And you can't put blue random plates with a silver and gold evening. It's that simple. How dare you call me a stewardess? Have I earned nothing in this life? And Alicia's like, yeah, it's not about the plates, I don't think.

And then we cut to Harry and he's like, it's just plates, why are we having this big argument about plates, I don't get it. So now they're talking, Adair is asking Marina, how's the smooch? Because Marina got to kiss her hot nerd guy and she's in love, you know, she's like, I'm trying not to get my hopes up, especially after Vihan, but you know, I'm a nerd, you know, we can maybe watch Hobbit together or play Mario and then, you know, cuddle on the

couch. It's like that's half my kind of girl, like play Mario. I don't know about the Hobbit together or play Mario and then you know, cuddle on the couch. I was like, that's half my kind of girl, like play Mario. I don't know about the Hobbit. I'm kind of a nerd too, you know, but I, at least in my cultural offerings, my cultural, like I've read a lot of sci fi and watch a lot of sci fi, but I don't know about the Hobbit. The Hobbit's a wuss, there I said it. I'm so sick of fucking Bilbo back as in his bullshit, okay? I don't need another story of Bilbo just walking places.

And they're like, oh my God, you're so little. Oh, you're so cute. He's not cute just because he's little. He has gross feet, and I'm sick of watching him walk places. Yeah, I did not get down with The Hobbit. I loved Lord of the Rings, okay? Although, even me loving Lord of the Rings, I did not get down with the Hobbit. I loved Lord of the Rings. Okay. Although even me loving Lord of the Rings, I was really over Frodo.

Oh my God. Watching him wander around with those big eyes, being confused and always like trembling and always being like, I want to touch my ring. I want to touch my ring. Like, how about you put it in a box and put a lock on it and then you'll be fine. But yeah, I don't know. I tried watching that new one. I don't know what it is about yeah, the Hobbit I was watching that was unwatchable. I can't, I don't know what it is about Lord of the Rings.

I can't get into it. I tried watching the new show, well, it's not new anymore, but the new-er show on Amazon, the Elden Ring show, whatever that's, not Elden Ring, whatever that's called, the Lord of the Ring shows. And I turned it on and it's all these bleach blonde people fighting with fairies or something. And I was like, is this

SLC? Like I already have one of those in my life. I'm not, it's a Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. I'm not watching this. Okay. Yeah. So, um, then Nick, Nick texts Marina good night and she's like, Oh, I was wondering if he was going to text and he did. He texted a good night winky face and Adair was like, that's perfect if you wanna date a pussy. Well, you didn't get a poem yet. I guess it's not a full on wuss. So now it's 8 a.m., which means it's a peaceful morning because it's an even number. And it's four hours before charter. And it says Jason's doing yoga,

but isn't this the part where he just bends over weirdly and he's on the bridge? he just bends over weirdly in his on the bridge He just like bent over. Yeah That's literally all it was. He just bent over And then they're like Laura has like a little meeting with her group and everything and Nate has a little meeting with his group It's like the department meetings and then Zarina pulls Alicia and like, I want to have a chat with you. So, um, so they're all going to gather into their groups. So first we have Harry and Nate talking and Harry's like, so,

did you have a good night? Anything you want to tell me that I can relate to the girls? And Nate's like, yeah, savvy boy, Nick, off to the right store. I mean, right? Pray to my team. Everyone's great on deck. You know, I'm just great on the dance floor. Who can ask for more? How many fingers am I holding up? Why does everyone keep testing my vision? What is it? Zerita. Zerita is like, all right, so I've had a conversation with Lara and she's told me that you've gone to her crying a few times,

saying, I'm not approachable, and you can't speak to me, and then when you're upset, you're going, you're allowed to cry. Listen, when you're upset, you're allowed to cry, you're allowed to have your feelings, you're allowed to do, go wherever you want, et cetera. But what I won't stand for is another head of department giving lipstick to someone in my department. That's just a line I will not cross.

And she's like, well, I never cried. They were the ones who approached me, which is true, and I'm glad she told her. And she's like, okay, well, I'm sorry you're in the middle of it, but she's just, you know, God, I mean, I just want to make sure you're happy, and I just want to be approachable. You know what I mean?

Are you sticking your finger in your butt crack right now? It's itchy. It's itchy. Pfft. It smells like burrito, which is kind of odd. Am I still being unapproachable? Yes, actually. A totally different way. I just want to be totally approachable,

which is why for the next 12 hours, any question you ask me, I won't answer you. I'll just stack sheet pens, make enough noise till you walk away. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappins commercial. Some people get a wild haircut or book a spontaneous trip when life throws them a curve ball. But Molly? Well, she dove head first into a world

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and the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will navigated roads to triumph. My hope is

that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Now, Lara is splitting up some duties.

You know, she's helping clean and stuff. And then Jason radios everybody for the preference sheet meeting. Here we go, charter seven. And this is Rebecca and Eric. They're a husband and wife. They run an alternative clothing company, which basically means people who want to look like extras

in the Flintstones when they're at the bowling alley. I know. I don't understand the concept of alternative clothing. Is this like, is this different things for clothing? Is it like wearing like a door as like a shirt or something like that? Like, I don't know. No. It's like their dress. It's like what we see.

Yeah, it's like 50s, you know, alt clothing, if you will. It's like we have a boutique in Las Vegas. Yes, it's very like thrift store, but we paid $100 for this top, you know? It's like B-52s kind of, you know, Rosie the Riveter. It's like, what's it called? Rockabilly, it's like rockabilly burlesque adjacent. So in other words, that kind of annoying clothing.

So, yeah. I support it because it's like colorful and fun. But I feel like I'm never invited to those parties. Well, you know what? Actually, I was invited to those parties when I did improv. So, okay, here's what I'll say about these people. They're all very nice. I've never met a person with this style who's an asshole.

Never. They're always very nice, very opening, very sharing. Most of them will try to fuck you in a part. They're all kind of swingers. They're like swingers that you wouldn't guess would be swingers. But they'll fuck you. When you are like 13 and you turn on real sex on HBO,

thinking you're gonna see something really hot and sexy, and you're gonna see these people touching each other naked at a sound bath. That's what this is. That is the best way to put it, thank you. And like the truth is, actually, I don't really have any issue with their clothing. I think it's just that like,

the mutton chops on one of these guests are so overpowering. It's like burnt garlic in a dish. It's just gonna turn everything. So I just can't appreciate this clothing as long as those mutton chops are there. If this was their way of selling the stuff, those mutton chops have gotta go. Okay, we need to do better.

I feel like it's a lot of untrimmed pubic hair. I feel like there's not a lot of man grooming going on. That's how I feel, sorry. So that's who's coming on the boat. So they're trying to figure out what this really means. But they want a circus thing. So they want a circus menu and a seafood extravaganza. Extravaganza.

And Laura loves this because she loved going to the circus when she was little because there were so many people to give lipstick to and turned them to her side. So that was nice. She had a whole clown car of an army. To use as... Clowns require so much lipstick. So yeah, now we hear some of Laura's trauma story

that somehow is related to the circus. And she talks about how, I used to love going to the circus when I was little. My mom would take me all the time. My parents divorced when I was three and my mom, it was like really hard for her. So, you know, she's divorced with two kids and had to work three jobs and keep us maintained and happy.

So yeah, going to the circus was like a dream for me. I can't wait for this one. Was your mom a fucking tightrope walker? I don't, I just don't like, who go? With your mom, the bearded lady? What does that story have to do with the circus? Were you raised in 1907? Like, who has so much circus presence in their life?

I love going to the circus because my parents are divorced and it really hurt. Like, what the fuck is that? Can we just, do you think we're not, do you think the elephants aren't suffering enough pain, how they're treated in circuses without you bringing your parents divorce into it? Just let the animals live in pain on their own.

We don't need your added trauma here, ma'am. This is a circus. Ugh, I can't stand the circus. I never really got the circus either. I always felt bad for the animals and it always smelled like poop and the clown. I never really got the circus either. I always felt bad for the animals and it always smelled like poop and the clowns were weird. I did like the tightrope people

and the swinging, the trapeze people. I liked that stuff, but I don't know. Yeah, like the Cirque du Soleil stuff is cool. Like that, it counts. Technically that's a circus, but honestly. Yeah, because Cirque du Soleil are like children. Okay, so Cirque du Soleil is where they take, like, the Eastern European children,

and they're like, you will learn to hang from rope. And they make them do it. And I think that that grows strong children, which grows strong adults. So that's what I like to see. But I don't like to see you kidnapping elephants and shit, you know? Well, unless they can fly. So, if the elephants aren't flying... Well, that'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna, so here's the thing with circus theme.

I think circus theme is, the only thing worse than a circus is a circus theme. And like circus theme is so, ugh, it's always, it's tacky colors, it's just annoying, it's gross. I just, it's always like red and purple or something, or like orange and purple. It's always just this, and I say this

realizing that my lighting scheme behind me is purple. I have a circus theme. I'm going into the circus. I just don't like circus theme. I think it's also, it's just too much, it's too aggressive. How about like, here's a theme that they should go for. How about a goop themed dinner on a yacht? Just goop?

Beige and beige. Yeah. Beige, beige and beige with a little bit more beige and then like a nice bowl of grains. How about a TV room? That's where I like to eat. Just the bed. With the dabbling.

Yeah. Okay, so warning, the winds are coming from the south, guys. We might have to relocate, but we'll put up with it. Surely nothing can go wrong. Dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun. By the way, Laura, I'd like you to put Marina on service. And she's like, but she's already on breakfast service. And she's involved in lunch service.

That's all I'll allow a brunette to do on this boat. Listen, I'm not gonna move this boat until you put some, put her on service. Do you understand? She's like, all right I just wanted to grow because I've decided that I want her to grow. Do you understand what I'm saying? She's like fine Fine. So she's visibly pissed. I don't understand Why she's so upset about Marina doing service. It just does not make sense to me. I've never seen somebody This I actually do understand. I actually do understand I understand why she's so upset about Marina doing service. It just does not make sense to me. I've never seen somebody this pissed. I actually do understand.

I actually do understand. It's because Bre is doing a good job on service and Marina's doing a good job in laundry and she's like, it's working. I don't wanna have to fix it. I don't understand why I'm being given this, what feels like an arbitrary edict. So I do understand. And I actually don't really understand why Jason

is that invested in this. But that being said, he's telling you to do it. So just do it. And Marina's good. God forbid you have to train somebody, miss, like call me only chief stewardess. Like train, do your job. Like make it worth it, okay?

Earn your title now ma'am. And Zarina gets her little lick in too. Zarina's like, yeah, and Marina would be great with the circus stuff, I think, as well. And Laura's just like, dagger eyes. She's like, oh, God, I can't wait to use a CVS online to bring this bitch down. down. So Nick is talking to Harry and he's like, for lunch, we eat Vegemite sandwiches and for breakfast, we Vegemite on

toast. Was Vegemite a particularly Australian thing? And Harry's like, because it was made there. What do you think it was? And he's like, well, what about Marmite? And he's like, fuck that shit. It's like, oh, my God, I don't think I've ever seen Harry this upset except for that time where he's like, fuck that shit. It's like, oh my god, I don't think I've ever seen Harry this upset except for that time where he's like, I will walk off this boat if you say Marmite one more time. I swear, if you bring Marmite onto this vessel,

I will walk right off. There's nothing keeping me here right now. So then Alicia's talking to herself, and she's saying, brain, brain, brain, what is going on inside the brain? And then Zarina is lying in the cabin and Laura's like, should we have a chat? We've obviously been, we've known each other for a very long time. And you know, for so many years I've said, you know, I once worked with this crazy old hunchback in a kitchen and they said, was

it the person from Frankenstein? I said, might as well have been. She did cook stuff that tasted like brains. And I always enjoyed having you as that role in my life. And I would hate it if we were on bad terms because I want to be able to shit on you some more to people you don't know. So can we put this in the past? Yeah. And Serena's like, um, so Alicia's telling me that you're like getting involved a lot. And she's like, I need some respect, you know, like, if anybody comes to me bitching about you, I tell them to have some respect and talk to you. So it would be nice if you stuck to your department. And she's like, I would,

I kind of disagree with that, you know, I mean, listen, you're a bag lady. And what you do is hold bags outside a store. And I'd really love if we could go back to the days where I come into the galley, throw a tuppence at your head, and just take the dishes. Can we just go back to that? But you can see that, first of all, I just want to say I don't have a hunchback.

Second of all, you can see that it's upsetting me that you're still really supportive of this other person. Okay, well, I'm gonna push back a little bit. You don't have a hunchback, but you are brunette, which is basically hunchback in long terms. It's follically hunchbacked. You're follically hunchbacked. That brown hair cascades down where a hunchback would be,

and I don't want to look there, that brown hair, so I just assume there's a hunchback there too. Yeah. Now Serena's like, okay, but you're not supporting me. You only care if the other person's upset. And she says, but if someone comes to me, I'm just listening. That's literally all I'm doing.

But it's not what you're doing. Because even when she came to you in the bathroom with the club and said, we talked it over, and she said it's just part of the industry, you were like, no, she doesn't have a right to treat you like that shit. Just because she's a chef, she doesn't have the right to treat you like shit. So no, you're not just listening. You're stirring shit have a right to treat you like that shit. Just because she's a chef, she doesn't have the right to treat you like shit.

So no, you're not just listening. You're stirring shit, ma'am. You're stirring shit. Serena's like, listen, I think if we continue like this, we're just gonna be going around in circles. I was sort of like you when you walk because of that tiny left leg of yours. What, I don't, my legs are perfectly even.

Are they though? Are they? You do do a lot of circles in that galley listen you used to be content being a peg leg just Spinning yourselves in circles like a protractor. Why are you getting all this attitude all of a sudden? I just Put a parrot on your shoulder, and you know we'd ask it to repeat things and you were fine with that. In seriousness, I'm glad that Serena just stayed calm because she can see what Laura is doing, you know, and she just stayed calm and was like, listen, I'm just asking you to leave my department alone. Okay. And so Laura leaves pissed off and she's like, very, very frustrating.

So now lunch time is, lunch is being made and stuff. And Laura's talking to Marina and she was like, okay, well, I guess I'm going to be switching you around, Brie and Marina. So Brie, you'll do breakfast, help out with lunch and Marina, you'll be main service. So is that something that you'd like? Yes, it would be.

And Laura's like, you know, Marina's great in housekeeping, although she is a brunette, so it's a little gross. But Brie is great in service, she's working so well, and I'm a firm believer if it isn't broke, and furthermore, if it isn't bland, put it in the cave. And so like Jason wants to challenge all that in the name of growth. And thanks, Jason.

Now we can have a brown haired person facing the guests. I'm sure they'll really love that. You know what I always say, if it ain't blonde, don't dye it. But, so this is what we're going to have to do. So Marina, you're on dinner service tonight. Get downstairs so I can bleach your hair immediately, please. Are you comfortable wearing wigs? I have this Marilyn Monroe one.

It's the best I can do. Okay, so Nate tells Jason that he's made Harry the lead deckhand and Jason loves that idea. He's like, oh, he's suitable to advance. He's great in a kimono. I've already used him in a couple of online ads. Do you feel that your teams are supporting him? And he's like, oh, he's suitable to advance. He's great in a kimono. I've already used him in a couple of online ads. Do you feel that your teams are supporting him? And he's like, I think so. You know, they seem to take leadership from that,

from what I heard as a sexual harasser. So they're great with Harry. They'll do great with Harry. Harry has worked really hard to become a lead deckhunt, but the work is not over. There's a little fish tank up here that's cased in green algae, so he'll have to come and scrub that.

Then the work will probably be over. But he's got to worry about a whole team now, a team of fish that are trapped in a really disgusting tank. I'm excited to see where this is gonna go, which is gonna be the fish graveyard. We all know. So down in the galley, the ladies are preparing

a vegetarian stroganoff with beef on the side, because boys need meat all the time. And now Laura's calling Provisioner for circus items, and you know, I feel so bad for the Provisioner, because she's like, um, I would like some hula hoops, possibly, you know, things that go in a circus, maybe something that's reminiscent of elephants. My parents are divorced, it really hurt.

Possibly the phone number to my mother, she's probably still crying. I really can't do this, could you just send her over some circus things? Thank you. Oh, and also some pink lipstick. One of our girls lost hers. She's blonde, so she needs it desperately.

Yes, I don't know if we skipped that part or if it hasn't come up yet, but... A big thing is that... What's her buns? Alicia loses her lipstick. And she's like, oh, my God, I can't believe I've lost my lipstick. Where did it go? It's half my personality. Yeah, so Laura's gonna do her a solid

and get her some new lipstick. So then Nate tells the gang, he's like, he said, all right, everyone, I decided to make Harry lay deckhand. And Adair's like, oh, still a pussy though. And Nick's like, that's very cool. Very excited for that. You're sure choosing a lot of people

to lead without a pickup truck. Last time I checked, he was too pussy to get into the ocean with an infected thumb. So Harry is like, oh, I'm excited. I can finally prove to prove to myself, to Jason, that I've got what it takes that I can do the job. And if anyone challenges me, I'm not afraid to walk off this boat right now.

So, Laura is, who's she bossing around? She's like, you know, in the morning- So she's actually bossing around Alicia, which is surprising. Yeah, it is her, right? It just didn't seem right that she'd be bossing around Alicia when I looked at the notes, but I guess that is what happened. It is what happened because at the end

of the preference sheet meeting, Jason said something like, also, can you clean up this galley, or not galley, the crew mess. So which I always thought was the deckhand's job. Isn't that the deckies that clean the crew mess? So Laura goes up to Alicia. She's like, in the morning, if you could just do like a vacuum wipe of the crew area,

and then obviously put lunch out, keep up lunch. Everyone will clear their plates and stuff. But clean down. I was like, I feel like you're not supposed to give orders to Alicia. Like for cleaning stuff that should be, I don't know. I think that Alicia's job is in the kitchen. Yeah. And Serena tries to kind of step, she's like, well, are you going to be OK with your timings?

And she goes, oh, I can make time for it. So she's like, oh, you know, Serena's like, god damn it. So then... Oh, by the way, here, I got you something special. It's a raw herring that you can feed that ogre in the corner of your galley. I know she's getting hungry at this time of the day. Here's a cracker for you to feed the parrot

in case she ever puts that back on the shoulder. Really is a good gig. Really good. So then, the guests are coming in 10 minutes and here they come is Eric and Rebecca. They're primary charter guests. They're from LA, shocker. They own an alternative clothing company, bigger shocker.

And they have over 50 tattoos between the two of them. There are no surprises here, but there is a lot of color. Lots of color coming down. Lots of color. Also these are just like- Barney Lots of color coming down the deck. Lots of color. Also, these are just like- Barney Rubble cosplay coming down the deck. A lot of bright orange colors that are, it's like a lot of like cheese doodle colors

are coming to the yacht. Also, these people can't be that interesting because normally the third fact toy they give is something really bizarre. It's like hired someone specific, hired like two assistants for the dog. But this case, to say you have only 50, to say you have 50 tattoos between two people from LA,

I just don't think that that, they could do better. They could find a funnier thing. Like do these people just not have anything else going on beyond their tattoos? Because having a lot of tattoos these days is really normal, I think. Yeah, I was expecting the last factoid to be, Eric and Rebecca both sleep with Rebecca's sister.

Or something, you know? Uh, so Nate's like, these guys look awesome. You know, first impressions, they remind me of my mate's vacuum. You know, very long armpit hair. Ha ha ha. Now maybe there's some merit based on your theory that he looks like he's can't see. It's like, are you sure these remind you of your mates?

Do they really look like this? So he's like, yeah, they're like a bunch of larracans. They're like, what's a larracan? Put that up. Put it up on the screen. Larrican. Noun. Australian English.

A good night's shite. Miss Jivis Pearson. Ha! Larrican. So they do the tour and Harry passes one of them and he's like, I've never seen facial hair like that. I mean, what is that? It's a mutton choff.

What do they call it? That. And then he's wearing it and the confessional is wearing like little mutton choffs. To be fair, I don't think Harry has ever seen facial hair. I think he's still waiting for his whiskers to grow out. He's still waiting for his balls to drop. So. He's still got his puberty stash.

Yeah. So there is a radio in the luggage is inside and Brie tells Rebecca that she loves her outfit and Rebecca's like, oh, thank you. You know, I was like to keep it, you know, demure. We're still doing that, right? This is still right when that TikTok happened. Oh, how embarrassing that she uses like slang

that was current for like, like a slang that had like a two week window and she's caught on camera and they're showing it like 10 months later. It's like, lame-o, you sit behind. Yeah, I actually felt really bad for that drag queen who came up with that because they didn't copyright it and then it was stolen

and she could have made all this money and she didn't. And she was, you know, she took it to the court and by the time it got there, the judge said, this is a worthless phrase, it's over. Please leave my courtroom. Sorry. Yeah, I think she got it back, but by then it's over. Please leave my courtroom. Sorry. Yeah, I think she got it back, but by then it was over, so sad.

So, I'm really gonna have a moment with that for a moment. Wow, it's like this arena of, it's like this arena of slang, right? Has two weeks of relevancy and then just sad and dark. So Nate is like, hey, you near it, you're gonna be up in the bow, so you're gonna do anchors. So then Marina is... Marina's doing service.

She's killing it. She's doing a great job, and she tells Marina that they didn't eat really any of the fruit, but they did enjoy the passion fruit. And Marina's like, oh, this is good. I love this communication. This is really good. Good communication. Knowing what kind of fruits that people like, you're doing it. I love this communication. This is really good. Good communication. Knowing what kind of fruits that people like.

You're doing it. I knew you could do it. I knew you could do it. So I fuck for you. So Harry, meanwhile, is now as he's the lead deckhand, he's going to, he's going to teach Nick how to drop an anchor. So there's a whole prolonged scene where Nick is like, is this what I do? Little bit more.

Is this what I do? A little bit more. Is this what I do? Little bit more. OK, stop it. OK, a little bit more. But he's like, it just goes on for a long time. But he's so involved with Nick that he's not telling Captain Jason what's going on and they're getting stressed with each other. Yeah. And Nick's like, well, I've never been sure to take on a new challenge, but every anchor on every boat is different. Pretty nervous about this one. Hopefully I can get it.

Yes, they're all all the anchors are different, but somehow they all look like Zarina. Am I right, everyone? High five. High five. Here's what you need to know about an anchor. Like Zarina, it always eventually sinks to the lowest it can go. But I'll tell you one thing. If that anchor were blonde, I'd put it on service any day of the week. So, now the anchor drama begins. Dun, dun, dun, dun.

So, here we go. He's doing the anchor. It's dropping, it's dropping. It gets stuck, it gets stuck. And Jason's like, hello, guys. Let it get out, let it out, let it out. Why is nobody talking to me on the radio? Nobody's talking to me on the radio. Hello, hello, is anybody there?

Is anybody talking to me on the radio? We're gonna sink the anchor, it's plummeting. The anchor is plummeting, the train is going. No, no, no, I'm gonna walk right off this boat. Marmite, who wants Marmite. All right, Inker's done. Well done, everybody. And by the way, there's no talk on the radios.

Now, whoever's up forward should be telling me where the inquiry is, how much is out. There's no calls whatsoever. I was just bent over touching my toes. Don't understand how this went wrong. Harry's like, fuck, I've just become lead deckhand and I've bungled it up. However, Jason's still got a bit of faith in me

and I'm definitely gonna redeem myself from this. So yeah, basically the long and the short of it is that Nick didn't tighten it all the way so that the anchor kind of like fell faster than it should have and then they stopped it. Will the boat sink? Will the crew win? Will Harry get fired his deckhand we'll find out after this very special fish report

Here comes one right now Everyone has that friend who seems Kind of perfect for patty that friend was desirée until one day I texted her and she was not getting the text So I went to instagram. She has no instagram anymore and facebook no facebook anymore desirée was gone And there was one person who knew the answer. I am a spiritual person, a magical person, a witch. A gorgeous Brazilian influencer called Cat Torres, but who was hiding a secret. From Wondery, based on my smash hit podcast from Brazil, comes a new series, Don't Cross Cat, about a search that led me to a mystery in a Texas

suburb. I'm calling to check on the two missing Brazilian girls. Maybe get some undercover crew there. The family are freaking out. They are lost. I'm Chico Felitti. You can listen to Don't Cross Cat on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep.

All right, so we start off with my favorite of the evening. I mean, this is just great work. Octopus, fantastic work done here. And I'd just like to show you, look at this dance that this octopus does. This dance is like, it's beautiful. It's like, da, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na can't touch this. By the way, people, uh, if you're watching with crap, it's on

demand. You can watch, you can watch this octopus dancing. This is not my octopus teacher. This is my octopus dancer. And I love his waddle. This octopus was like, I don't give a fuck if my next skin looks old. I'm 50 and I'm loving my fucking life! Dun, dun, dun, dun. Just want to point out, this was the very first image of the show. It opened with this octopus... He's like, you want to see me twerk?

Look, now he's twerking. Beautiful. Strong contender to be number one of the week. Strong contender. I'm telling you right now, look at this twerking. Mm. Yes, yes, octopus. This one's my favorite, and I love that the octopus is playing straight to the camera.

And he's like, I'm not gonna look stupid just because I'm twerking, I'm gonna do this right by a brain-looking reef thing. He's like exfoliating his butt. Octopus is doing great. Great marks for the octopus. Okay. Up next we have this little guy.

This one's really been the star of the season. The Moray Eel has been missing for the past two weeks. Makes a strong return with a really striking profile view. This Moray Eel, she comes out, she's wearing her finest speckles. She has spent two days, two weeks in bed, did not want to see the world. She was recuperating. She perhaps went to a facility for exhaustion, but she is back. She's making her return appearance on the show. And she's saying, Hey everyone,

I am here and I am ready to stake my claim and she is gonna put a strong challenge up to that octopus. She actually got out of surgery because she got her ears pinned back, if you can see right here. Now she just has a little hole where her ear was. So she's looking great. We're glad to have her back on our screens.

Little smile. Now we come to the show off the upside down jellyfish. Jellyfish, talk about somebody who's not trimming their pubic hair. Okay, here we go. Like, wow. It's like walking in on your mom in the shower when you were a little kid.

You have to know your angles when you're on TV. And so while the jellyfish is technically beautiful and graceful, I just feel like it's just not aware of really its relationship with the camera. So I'm gonna have to say this one is not in contention to be a top five for the week. Really? You're ass shaming this? I feel like this, it's just tired of being filmed.

It's tired of these cameras being in its room all the time and it's like, kiss my ass, male. Kiss my ass. And just like turns upside down and faces ass to the camera. And that's it. Next, we go to another contender. And I would like to say something.

This is very important to me. Two weeks ago on the fish report, I called this a zebrafish. This is a lionfish. A zebrafish is a totally different fish. I would think these would be zebrafish here on the side. You would think. Yeah, you would think.

Oh, maybe the ones in the background are zebrafish, but the foreground is a lionfish. Lionfish really, I mean, lionfish is, it's hard to deny the lionfish. I mean, this is, look at this. It's like, this is architectural. This is on the guard. Polka dots, stripes. I mean, it's very difficult to pull off

both polka dots and stripes. That is a fashion no-no, but as you can see, its body is striped and its fins are polka dotted. I mean, this is amazing. And- If you have the confidence, you can pull off any look. The Met Gala is next week. And let me tell you something,

this lionfish will be there on the red carpet. And listen, we do not have audio because this is under the ocean, but we got some shipped in. I'd like to play it right now. Can we give also a shout out to the lionfish's friend who we've got a several lionfish. Okay, we've got we look at this lady down here. No, I think this is like Ken from, um, Ken from real housewives of Beverly Hills carrying the lionfishes purse. Like I'm just happy to be here behind you.

Well that lionfish down there almost has like this puffy chin area. Like a, it's almost like wearing a cravat like a, like a lionfish cravat down there or an ascot. I'm just so impressed with this group. Great work. Now here we go to the basics. These are the Lara of fish. They only wanna hang out with other blonde fish.

They're mean to all of the other fish in the sea. They stay to their own little school. I think these are shitty fish and they're followers. I don't like them. Not a fan of these. I mean, I think as schools of fish go, they're all right. I sort of enjoy that they have a tennis ball color. What I'm seeing though is that they're a disorganized

school, look at the ones in the middle. Most of them are heading away from us, but then there's some in the middle that are going left and right. It's like, are you not gonna participate in your school? Like you have to like, this is, we need you guys to all be on point, this is Corio, let's be together, let's make this look good, we want clean lines here.

And so the one, did you see the one in the middle? Did you see that one right there? These are sloppy. Sloppy, this is sloppy school. Look at this right here. This is a bad, so I'm really gonna give, I'm gonna say, like, I love the tennis ball color, but I have to downgrade this one for sloppy alignment.

Also, extra points taken off for this fish right here. Do you see it? but I have to downgrade this one for sloppy alignment. Extra points taken off for this fish right here. Do you see it? Turning his face away from the school to look into the camera. You are a part of a school. You're supposed to pretend the camera isn't here. You just ruined this entire shot.

Look, we love a rebel and an independent thinker, but if you're gonna be in a school, be in the school. Be in the school, be in the mode. You're like literally fired. I hope you get eaten later by a seal. You deserve it. Okay, let's go next. Oh, look, swimming the wrong way.

Completely, look at him. Just swimming the wrong way. Just trying to escape. Okay, I know you're having an existential crisis. You don't wanna be in your school anymore, but you have to participate. It's too late. You can't do this to the group.

What a loser. Okay, then we get some little striped fish down here. This is just, you know, generic. Yeah, they're okay. They're like screensaver type fish, you know? Yeah, they're fine. They kind of like reflect, they kind of speak of the epaulettes

that we see in the other frame, because this is like a, we're seeing different panels. So we see epaulettes in the upper right-hand corner, and these are kind of like epaulette fish. I think this is an intentional choice by the editors. So I appreciate the choice, but I think as fish, not that special. Yeah, okay, let's go on.

We've got a lonely stingray over here who's ready to sting somebody. Look at that stinger is just out and ready. I really like this. As stingrays go, I like this one, really showing off a nice pattern. I don't know why we're getting it. I feel bad for it that it gets paired with a close up of an onion, but, um,

yeah, right. I'm like, that's the strongest. Yeah. The most stinging is onion that there is several. Oh yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'm not going to dwell on the Ray. The Ray, the Ray always does solid work. Well, we'll get more ways later. Now this one, we both get a shot of what's-his-face's wiener in his underwear, which is right here. So, that's nice. And then we get a shot of this fucking Nemo.

You know, the... Where am I? Where did I go? I'm lost. Where's my parents? Somebody help me. I'm wah, wah, wah clownfish. Yeah, clownfish. We don't have time for it. Like, I appreciate... I do enjoy it, like, nestling up against the anemone or anemone, anemone, anemone. But like honestly, you're still coasting off of, off of finding Nemo and I just have no respect for that.

I don't either. Like change your outfit. You know, get a different haircut. Like try and break the mold a little bit. Yeah. Okay, so let's move on. Oh, well let me see the wiener again. They really are getting in there.

He's got a pokey wiener. His wiener is very pokey, but we're not here about I'm still looking at the clownfish. That clownfish is really, really getting up in that anemone. Yeah, it really is. Okay. Now we come to the saddest news, which is fish murder. As we can see these lobsters were killed in a terrible freeway pile up and just laid out. This is like when you see the body bags on the side of the road or something. It's like when you see the body bags on the side of the road or something. It's so sad.

It's so sad. All right, the honorary mention to the lobsters who gave their lives for the Seafood Extravaganza. They obviously cannot be part of our top five, but we wanna just say like an honorary shout out to them. Much like two weeks ago, the Red Snapper. Shout out to them in death because they're doing a nice posing, you know, even

the death they're staring at the camera though. They're like, we can see you. Okay. So some, some love. Yeah. Thank you for including that Ronnie. That was thoughtful. More eel comes back, but this is a different one. This one is not speckled. I think this is archival footage of pre surgery more eel. Um, yeah, this one's a little... This is like the More-E-Eel. Um, this is the before section of a contouring video. Right here. Yeah. This, you know, this More-Eel doesn't have as much personality

as I would like. You know, it's... That's why he's hiding in the shadows. Look, it's getting very, like... He's like, I'll just be down here in the shadows, and everybody just ignore me. I'm hideous. I'm not going outside. I'm not smiling either.

It definitely has like a very strong, like Glenn close jawline, which I appreciate, but I'm going to say I like the other more Eel more. I mean, I'm going to as well, but I feel bad cause we're such a shallow society. You know what I mean? I know this more Eel, but you know what? I do like that more Eel. No, you don't. The more we see it from this angle. No, no, the more we see it, the more I'm like, it's just like living in a schoolhouse. It's faded.

Look, it's faded. Spots are all faded. This is like the, it needs a little turban right here. This Moray Eel is like, memory, all alone in the moonlight. These are things we love in our divas. So I think that this is elevating the Moray Eel. Yeah, this is the next gypsy.

Okay, so we go, or Mama Rose, or anything gypsy. Oh, geez. I'm not gonna look at this. Oh, God. I'm not gonna identify that blurry ass clownfish. Fuck off clownfish. Jellyfish. Yeah, whatever. Okay, another jellyfish showing us its ass. But this one does trim its privates.

So, you know, shout out. Yeah, this one's a little bit more made in. Oh, I forgot about the shit. Is this one pregnant or are these babies? What are these things here? No, that's, I think it just, it's weird internal organs that we just get to look at. Don't they look like a baby?

Like if you were looking at it. Their babies are just like little specks and they just like grow. They don't, they don't, yeah. Now this, we forgot about this shark. This is, this shark honestly. This is a shark? Isn't this an eel?

It doesn't have a shark fin. I mean, it looks like an eel, but I don't think eels have fins like that. It looks like, honestly, just the most beautiful, glamorous shark I've ever seen. It looks like the eel. I know what you're saying, it looks like the eel, but I'm pretty sure moray eels

do not have little fins, little wings. I think this is just a full. Well this is just a flowy, beautiful fish. It's like people in, you know in school how they had like flag core and then a ribbon core, what was it called when they like twirled their ribbons, the ribbon twirling people? This is like them where you're like,

that's the dumbest thing, like on paper it's the dumbest thing, but then you see one and you're like, I get it. You know, I get it. Oh, you know what? You know what? I think you're right. It says, I looked up, I said, do Moray eels have fins according to Google?

It says, yes, they do have fins. Specifically they have long continuous dorsal fins. Oh no, that's the stuff that's on their top, runs on their back, emerges with the tail. Okay, so it's like a mohawk. No, no, these are side fins, emerges with a tail. Okay, it's a mohawk. No, no, these are side fins. This is a shark. This is a shark.

So then we see a plant, a plant fish. A fish or a plant, I don't really know what it is. Then we've got, we have this one, I don't know, it's not real, it's trying to hide from the camera, so you got your wish. We won't talk about you. Here's a school of stingrays. Now this, not only that,

but this is what you call a striking image. These are rays that are like, okay girls, let's get it together. We practice our routine and let's three, two, one, and let's go. Cause this is coordination right here. They're like, even though Lucy's mother did not get her measles shots and now

we're all fucked, we're going to still stick with this dance routine and we're going to give it down right. Okay. So now we move on to just some random, random little fish. Okay. Here we go with these striped fish. I will say the horizontal stripes probably do make them look better. So whoever spread that around in Weight Watchers, that was correct. But also they're kind of like advertising

how you might wanna cook them. They're like, would you like to grill us? This is what we'll look like if you do it. This, we're the flame brailed fish. We're gonna pretend like we're already been, we've already been cooked so no one wants to catch us. Yeah. This is a pretty fish.

This one is like, this one is the classic screen saver fish. Like this was the one in 1994. Just this one had its moment. It's trying to find new relevance in 2025, maybe trying to do a nostalgia play. But we all know that really its moment was 1994, 1996, and that's really where it's gonna stay. I love that it has a raccoon face.

I'm gonna call this raccoon face fish. It's very cute. So then we go to, and the fucking clownfish. Just get out of my life already. Um, more clownfish. I mean, clownfish. I mean clownfish. And then the final is the turtle. The turtle's just looking so good.

This is such a majestic turtle. And I love that they include it in every episode. Yeah. Okay, so if we're gonna do top five, top five of the week, I think my top five is gonna be... I think I'm gonna do that school of stingrays. No, I'm gonna do lionfish as number five, which is very, that's low for the lionfish. Lionfish was my number one two weeks ago.

A lionfish is- Why don't we do the top three? Why don't we do the top three? Top three, okay. Well. I'm gonna be here all day. The moray, I'm so torn because I love the octopus, I love the moray eel, I'm really, I'm so torn because I love the octopus. I love the moray eel.

I love the shark. I love the stingrays and I love the lionfish. So I think I have to get, I feel so, the shark was amazing, wasn't it? Yeah, that was nice. That moray eel is great, the octopus. All right, well you have to pick. Let me see the octopus now.

Okay, I'm gonna go with Tina Turner for my number two. She would have been number one, but I cannot not give it to this twerking octopus. I mean, this- I think the octopus is number one this week. I'm giving Moray eel number two. I can't help it. I'm giving lionfish number three.

Shark, if we had more time with that shark, shark would have been higher, because that graceful ribbon movement was amazing. And those stingrays all in that ghostly pattern is a strong number five. Great contenders this week on The Fish Report. All right, well, that was The Fish Report. Thank you for being here, everybody.

Doodle-do, doodle-do, doodle-do. Baw-dabaw-dabaw. Okay, so now on with Below Dick Down Under. So we are with Lara deciding a picnic stuff. So she is going to send Brie to the beach and she tells her to take some margarita mix and then Brie's like, I'm so excited to go to the beach with the guests

and get fresh air, Oh, thank God. I love by this point in the season, they're just so happy to be off the boat, you know? Right. This is also the part where we discover that Brie is a totally inept stew, and we just haven't been paying attention to it. So, and that starts to be revealed. We got a little bit last week when she didn't know

how to turn the shower off by turning the knob, but it's just become a bigger and bigger thing now that she's actually doing stuff that's out of her wheelhouse. Although in her defense, they are making showers more difficult for no reason. Yeah, I mean, we all know, like when you first go to like, okay, here are the things I hate when you go to a hotel.

One is figuring out how to turn lights on and off because if it's like whoever manufactures lamps for a hotel, they're like, let's put the on-off button in a totally unintuitive place, and it's always gonna be different in every single hotel. Is it up by the bulb? Is it at the base? Neither. It's like in a weird section of the middle part that's like hidden and you can't find it.

But also showers, turning on showers, and how they're like at the knobs and the twisty things, like which way is hot which way is cold What turns it on? What gives more pressure it is difficult? Yeah, so that's where he's only defense here. So then Alicia and Serena are working on guest food and Serena's like wait, do you know how to take the poop out of these prawns and she's like to take the poop out She's no no, no, you do it like this from the other side, you know.

You see the poops there, you can pull it out now, put it all over your fingers and then sniff. Sniff it. Sniff it. All right, now, put your finger in your own butt and then hold it up to the prawn's nose. You see, that's how humans and prawns interact. Do you understand?

So now the guests are over on the beach and they're looking, there's bats flying around, there's crabs, they're all having a great time. Oh, by the way, we did not, we did. I want to give a shout out, retroactive shout out, honorary mention, all the crabs on the beach. They were great. Um, so, uh, then we have, uh, Marina, she's, she's like telling Nick that they're going be doing a seafood extravaganza tonight. And Nick is saying, I'm honestly starting to think

that Marina is kind of like the Jean Grey to my Cyclops from X-Men, incredibly powerful. Born neater, very driven. Feels like she's got control over my mind. And I think the only... And as he's saying this, we see Marina pulling out placemats. Marina pulling out placemats. She's my favorite thing. He's like, wow, very driven, born leader.

And she's like, should I use the silver or the purple? She's got control over my mind. So she tells him she's been wanting service. She's finally got it and he's in love. So then they go to the it and he's in love. So then they go to the beach and there's crabs everywhere, as you pointed out, and Laura has not come back from the beach, but other people have.

And Laura's like, why isn't Brie back yet? Who do I say, Marina? Laura. Laura's wondering where Brie is. Brie hasn't come back from the beach. So she's getting pissed off because Brie is not back. Yeah, all this time she's been punishing Marina when Brie is the one when given a chance to be a slacker.

So Laura's like, okay, that's weird. I don't know why she's not here yet. But meanwhile, Nate, Adair, and Brie have made like a little fire and then they're just hanging out there and just enjoy, because they're waiting for the tenter to come back and get them.

So they're just like gallivanting on the beach and it's like, Bri, what are you doing? And also this is why I can't stand when the deckhands are always complaining about helping out the interior because the deckhands get these moments all the time where they get to just hang out on the beach whereas the interior is working nonstop.

Yeah. So then, um... Let's see. So then, Lara's still stewing over her not coming back. And then, Nate's like, oh, just come on the radio and say, take your time. I'm not fussed at all. I'm not fussed at all. And Bri's like, yeah, forget us. You don't need us, right? This is so amazing. And then Lara's like, Bri, what are you doing, girl? Like, sometimes you don't want us, right? This is so amazing." And then Lara's like,

"'Pri, what are you doing, girl? Like, sometimes you don't want to be in housekeeping, but help me out. I mean, what is this girl on? God, is she even blonde anymore?" BOWEN LAUGHS So meanwhile, Zarina has finally remembered that the best way to battle, like, battle someone who is fighting for your stew,

I mean, for your, for your sue, is to do it right back. So she's like, so Alicia, tonight I was thinking you could put on your chef jacket and come up with me when I explain the food. She's like, oh, it would be an honor. Also, I need you to start with the oysters though first. She's like, oh, I've never actually shucked one. What actually is an oyster? Is that like a type of sponge?

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. So the beach team arrives back, and Laura's like, um, next time come back with the guests. Don't just sit on the beach. You don't want to get changed into your blacks now, do you? You change into your blacks, and then straight to the laundry, please.

Ah! Um, so then, um, she's like, okay, sorry. So she runs down into laundry and then the dinner table is being decorated and Alicia is helping Nate with his epaulets and Serena, I just, I don't even think they showed Serena giving dirty looks, but I felt her stewing while they're trying to get all this food ready and Alicia is just like giggling, helping Nate with the epaulettes. And, um, they, she couldn't figure out how to put them on. She's like, is this backwards? Is that backwards?

Which way do we do it? This is hilarious. Serena's just like, oh, that you wear a chef's coat. BOWEN LAUGHS Serena has a certain way of like lurking in the back of the galley and she's always like doing something with her hands and she always looks up and she just gets this death stare from across the kitchen island.

So they make, she makes by the way a great seafood extravaganza because sometimes we've seen on the show where people ask for a seafood extravaganza and what they get is like a nice like little plate of some shelled lobster and like three shrimp and and I don't know what else like maybe an oyster but this was like a lot of seafood and it looked delicious and I wanted to be part of it and I know I'm saying that on the heels

of our fish report but this is just my reality. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's fair. So then she's teaching her how to set it up and stuff and the lobsters and all that. And Serena's gonna knock this one out of the park. So meanwhile, we listen to the guests and one of them is like, I have a friend that's a burlesque dancer and she breathes fire and she swallowed a little bit of kerosene and

gave herself pneumonia because she drank too much kerosene. I mean, that was wild. And then Barney Rubble's like, yeah, well, we were in Las Vegas for a bachelor party, and we saw a stripper on roller skates breathe fire, but not from her mouth. That was a marvel to see. What the?

You're blowing kerosene out your hoo-ha to hoo-ha's blow? Listen, I don't have any empathy for this story. The story arc is someone put kerosene in their mouth and they wound up getting sick ultimately because of it. Yeah, it's because you put kerosene in your mouth and you try to light your mouth on fire and you got a pneumonia. Well, pneumonia was unexpected.

Like learn a trade. But it does not normalize any of this. Know what I mean? Learn a trade. But that does not normalize any of this. Know what I mean? Learn a trade. Like seriously? Swallowing kerosene for money? And then the roller skate one, you know, like how much do you have to do

to please a dude at a bachelor party? You're already a roller skating stripper. You also gotta blow fire out of your hoo-ha? Why? That's a lot. That's a lot. What happened to ping pong balls, you know? So.

Truly. I didn't know there was like a respiratory system in a hoo-ha. I mean, I don't know much about hoo-has, but that's a lot. That's a powerful queef. So. Okay, so then the plates are delivered, the meals are delivered, everybody loves it.

So Jason and Laura are making small talk. And she's, Laura's telling him, Oh, you know, you know, Elise is doing so great. And I know she just gets excited every time. So I got her a little sparkly pink lipstick just arrived. I can't wait to give it to her because you know, she lost hers. She's gonna like me so much more than Serena now. It's amazing! So, um, which is... It's, yeah. It's so transparent. We just got a stupid little lipstick. It's going to be a disaster.

It's so transparent, and Alicia is so easy that it's hard for me to respect Alicia. That she doesn't even see any of this, you know? Gross. So, the thing is this, it's like, it'd be one thing if she just got the lipstick and was like, hey, I got your new lipstick, I'll put it in your room.

But she gives it to her in like a little black bag in the middle of service, and is like, open it up, open it up. She's like, there's a present in there for you. She's like, what is it? It's a present, what do you mean? It's a present, is it from the circus? Perhaps, I can't open it, I've got too much,

just open it, just open it. And Zarina's watching like, what the circus? Perhaps. I can't open it. I've got too much of it. Just open it. Just open it. And Serena's watching like, what the fuck? And then she's like, oh my God. Wait a minute, this is divorce papers. Oh, I'm sorry, that one was the actual one from the circus. Okay, open this one. This one. Okay, this one.

Oh, what is this? There's some sort of repellent? Oh, that's for if Serena gets too close to you. But keep looking deeper. There's more in there. A lipstick! A stun gun? What is this? Is this some sort of repellent? Oh, that's for if Serena gets too close to you. But keep looking deeper. There's more in there. A lipstick! A stun gun? Keep looking. Keep going further.

It's a grab bag, really. So she gets a lipstick and she's like, oh my God, that's so thoughtful. Look, everyone, it's a lipstick. I'm gonna go put it on right now. I can't wait to put it on my lipstick. I'm putting on my lipstick. Isn't it amazing, everyone? it's a lipstick. I'm gonna go put it on right now. Can't wait to put it on my lipstick. I'm putting on my lipstick. It's amazing, everyone. I want a lipstick.

Jesus Christ, these people are deprived. I've never seen somebody that excited for a lipstick. I know. I mean, she does like wearing a big red lip. So, it's like, wow. She, I guess, is part of her identity. But Zarina's just watching like, this, you had to do this like right now. It couldn't wait till tomorrow. She's so pissed.

And I like to Serena walks off. She's like, oh God, she just can't stay out of it, can she? Jesus, that bitch, you just hear her in her cabin. That lipstick bitch. And then Alicia's like walking around and her was like, oh, you're very pink today. She's like, yes, I am. New lipstick.

And I was like, yeah, very pink. She's like, I look like Britney Spears 2000s. It was a gift from Laura. I've got lipstick today. Oh. So Jason goes to look at, see, check on the guests and he's like, hello, tomorrow's is a bit of a sweat of coming in, but we will have the toys out

and we'll get wet and get hot. And Rebecca's like, I think we're all pretty wet and hot right now, we just heard of a strepper getting her vagina burned off on roller skates. So meanwhile downstairs, Alicia's still parading around her new lipstick, she's like, do I look like a nut job because it's so pink, look at me, it's so pink. I've got pink lips.

I'm blonde and pink lips I can take over the world. Serena's like, you look absolutely phenomenal. Oh, god. God, Traitor is your perfect color. Beautiful. So then Adair is like, I used to be the one who was getting bossed around, but now I'm bossing somebody around because Bree doesn't even know

how a shower works. Watch this. Hey, Bree, turn on the shower. She just put Kleenex up to her ear. What the? Call me, Scrooge Mommy. So, Harry gives Nick some instructions about what to do overnight or in the morning.

And then the guests head to bed and everyone, some people go to bed and Laura is talking with Alicia. She's like, so how was today dealing with that monster in the galley? She's like, oh, it was a really nice day because you got your lipstick back. That's why. Oh, God. Okay. Your very godmother fixed it for you. Oh, God. Okay, okay.

You have to rub it in that you got her a lipstick. Like, yeah, you had a good day because you got a little gift, a gift from someone who truly appreciates you. A lipstick! Yeah. So, um, then Lara walks into the room and Zarina's in there and Zarina gives her this, like, death stare from the bed and just ignores her. from the bed and just lures her. The look she gives her is so fucking funny. She's like lying there in a bathrobe and her, and a towel turban and she's just like, just gives her the slick as she walks past. So Alicia, Lara, they're not speaking

to each other basically. And then Lara sees Alicia and she's like, oh, Alicia, I love your hair. Oh God, you just look so beautiful. And Serena's just like, oh, Alicia, I love your hair. Oh, God, you just look so beautiful. Serena's just like, God fucking die woman. Die. Yeah. So they're setting up breakfast now because the next day and Serena's talking about getting food up there in the next 10 or 15 minutes and Lara's like, because she's upset it's going to take so long. And meanwhile, this well is crazy right now. The boat is like,

it is going, this is like sailing out, it is going up and down so much. I'm like, why are we, why are they staying in this spot? Why are they, why have they chosen not to move to some place? That's a little like calmer. I don't know that you can't, you can't escape it here in the seashells. That's just how it is. There's wind. Sometimes it kills you. You know that Captain Sandy is at home, like gripping her chair, like with her fingers turning white. Like, I can't believe he's just sitting there in the wind. The wind.

So Brie is being ordered all over the place to do stuff and she's about to have a nervous breakdown. She's like, I don't know how Marina does this. I just feel like I'm being pulled in every direction. It's too much. It's too much. And then while she's in the confessional, Lara radios her. She's like, Hello. Hello, possible becoming a brunette. Could you please get up here with the eyesight requested. It's like, I can't take anymore. Oh. Yeah, Brie is really, she's really, really struggling here. So then Zarina's like, well, we're gonna be at the Anchorage all day doing this.

It's gonna be a tough day. So then Lara's radioing asking Alicia to help take plates down and stuff. And Zarina's like, careful, you might turn into a cookstew with Lara. That's what happened on my last boat. And Alicia's like, okay. She's like, sorry, I need to stop. God, I shouldn't be a bitch.

I really shouldn't. But it's just so deeply entertaining. So they're setting up for dinner and it's circus night and Laura's like, well, I'm thinking for this theme that we go sort of big tent to mimic the life under the big top. You know, I want gold in there. I want some popcorn. I want crying little girls because daddy's gone. You know how it goes. The emphasis is fun, tears, fun, fun, abandonment, tears. It's going to be a great night. It's gonna be a great night. So they're all setting up and everything.

And Serena's like, are you gonna go dressed up as a clown? Is that why you have that lipstick on your face smeared all over like a common trollop? And Lisa's like, yeah, I guess I can do that. So they're setting up, but the wind starts to blow and starts getting windy and Lara's like, so is it gonna be windy? Because I don't wanna keep setting up if we're gonna have to take it all down. We're spending an hour setting this up. And if it's windy, I don't want to have to take it down.

But Jason's like, no, no, keep it, it's fine. And they've got all these ribbons and streamers and stuff taped to the ceiling. And so it's like the worst day for wind, but the wind comes and starts taking everything down. Don, don, don, we're all gonna die, it's wind. And that brings us to the end of Below Deck Down Under. Aye, aye, we'll see what happens. Fun one.

It's a wall. You're tricking no one with your lipstick, ma'am. No one. All right, everybody. Thank you so much for being here for Below Deck Down Under. Go get live show tickets for Austin, Dallas, and Las Vegas over at WatchWhatCrappens.com and check this video out on Patreon if that is your kind of thing. We'll see you later in the week for Love Island and a Below Deck preview, Summer House and

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