Watch What Crappens - #283: Velvet Splatter, Fraudulent Slips, and The Mimicker

Episode Date: April 12, 2016

Timestamps below! Real Housewives of Dallas drinks some Jesus Juice, and we’re completely in. Shahs of Sunset returned to be awful to each other while gaining lots of weight, and Real Housewives of Potomac had their first ever reunion. Lots of glitter. Enjoy! Timestamps: 0-17:10 Crappens Mailbag: Working for Housewives, choosing between Davids 17:10-51:30 RHODallas begins! 51:30-1:25:40 Clear the Flem: Caroline Fleming goes to Japan 1:29:40 RHOP Reunion Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crappins would like to thank its premium subscribers, Ms. Christy Doherty and the lovely Miss Sandy Bass. We love you, girls. happens when there's so much that happens. It's a fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun,

fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast, the podcast about all that crap we'd love to talk about on Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV, and as usual, I'm with the gorgeous, thin, talented, deeply-souled eyes, Ben Mandelker of the B-Side Blog and the Banter Blender Podcast. Hello, Ben! Hello, Ronnie! Such an exciting day today, with so many new things to talk about.

So much. Before we get to it, go over to WatchWhatCrapHands.com for all our personal links. Go to Facebook.com slash WatchWhatCrapppens to talk crap with the other listeners throughout the week during live show threads. And if you want our bony baloney episodes, just go on over to patreon.com slash watchwhatcrappens. That is where our premium subscribers are signed up. We do bonus episodes, ringtones, a Google Hangout, which is coming up at the end of this month. The last one was so much fun. So that's patreon.com slash watchupcrappens for all the extras.

And thank you so much to everybody who gives to us over there and makes our life. We love you. Yeah, I can't encourage you enough to listen to this week's bonus episode because ronnie and i went not i wouldn't say in but we we tackled the thrillest ranking of the top housewives of all time excluding melbourne and cheshire and we went through the entire list and it took nearly an hour and a half so the bonus episode is almost the length of an actual episode this week and it is i would say it's like 96 bravo and we talked about oj at the end for about one minute one second but it's like if you are if you're into bravo if you know if you've been

seeing that list a bunch of people have posted that list on our Facebook page. Definitely listen to the bonus episode because we go through it all. Yes, and thanks to Brian Moylan from Vulture and Thrillist for making that list because that gave us some good shit to talk about. Yeah, it was great. My accent is already coming because of Dallas. So before we get to Dallas, let's start looking through the old crap and dab and mail bag, man. You know, but before I can even open up the mail bag, I have to say I would have to pull myself out of bed, which may be so difficult. Now that I have these wonderful parachute sheets.

Yes, you guys. Parachute is an online bedding brand and it's based in Venice Beach, California. That's pretty cool. They're really from Venice Beach? That's really awesome. Yeah. I have the Venice Beach set myself. Great sleep starts with your sheets, and Parachute has created a line of everyday bedding essentials,

from sheets to comforters to give you superior sleep. The website, I've been on it all morning it actually is very easy and straightforward and they have a whole blog section where they give you design tips they teach you how to make some bath salts which who doesn't love a free homemade drug lots of good stuff over there it's free shipping free returns 30 night risk-free guarantee on your sheets for crying out loud that means they throw those sheets away if you don't like them yeah they were really nice they sent us sheets and uh i have some nice white sheets that are really soft and lovely i

haven't okay so i haven't put them on my bed yet but that's only because i've been lazy i'm sorry but i unwrapped them they came very very nicely packaged. They're super soft, and I'm really, really excited to get them on my bed here in NoHo. Yes, I got a duvet set, and I love a duvet. They're very difficult to find. Target just started selling duvet covers, and they're gross, and they're $80. And that whole thing, the whole sheet set was less than that over at Parachute. So go to parachutehome.com. Also, if you shop online at parachutehome.com slash crappins

for new sheets, duvets, and other bedding essentials, you will receive $25 off your first order with our code. So that's parachutehome.com slash crappins. That's parachutehome.com slash crappins to get $25 off. And that's a lot with this because these sheets aren't expensive. Yeah, that's really good. So get that. Sleep proper, y'all.

Sleep proper. Sleep proper. Crappin'sellbag time. If this is your first time listening, that's the music. The crazy music we play when we open up our Crap and Smellbag. And unfortunately, there are no more parachute sheets inside the Crap and Smellbag. But instead, we have questions. These are left over from last week because we had a crazy week of live performances. I mean matt woodfield oh by the way sorry again about the audio but you know sorry we never said

we were professionals okay um that was really bad though oh my god we did do a sound test and we were like well that's that's livable and then man i played it back and it was terrible but thank you for listening people i didn't hear it well the thing thing is that I heard only the first sound test. I didn't hear the second. Remember, we put in a different mic, and I never heard that one. So I can't be held accountable. I blame it all on Ronnie. I'll take it.

That was embarrassing. It's over. Why bring it up? God damn it. I want to move forward, okay? Like the people on Dallas. Or like Reza. I just want to move forward, okay? like the people on Dallas. Or like Reza. I just want to move forward, okay?

I'm starting a new chapter with microphones. I don't want to talk about what a horrible person I was to you last year. Let me just do it again this year, okay? Okay, sounds good. Now our friendship is back. I'm going to throw some red velvet cake at you. I wish you'd throw some red velvet cake at me because I'm still hungry. And then eat it off the floor like MJ.

God bless her heart. Okay, so some of the questions from last week. Oliver Haskins. Remind me, Ronnie, if we said some of these, but I don't think we did this. Oliver, he has two questions. Ben, would you rather spend an evening with David Bedore laying in a coffin in OC Couples Counseling or David Foster sing-along where you can't sing? And Ronnie, Best buy called and you've

been forced into the indentured gay servitude of a bravo housewife what service can you provide choreographer stylist solar fat treatments etc and which housewife is best suited for your talents okay you first um i think let's see i think i would would rather be in a David Foster sing-along where I can't sing because I feel like there'd be good hors d'oeuvres. And if it's a David Bedore, David Bedore lying in a coffin, there's no upside to that. At least with a sing-along, you know, maybe Michael Bolton might show up and I could listen and maybe take a selfie. But David Bedore, I mean, it's just him there. And on top of that, I have to go to Orange County. It'll just be like in a dark cave with those Simpsons eyes.

That's all you see. Those like Simpsons blinky eyes at you. Yeah. What about you? If I was going to give a service to the housewives, I would be just, I would be a real gay friend. I'd be the friend that's like no don't say it like that say it like this like tell me all your problems with this woman okay now let me tell you how to deal with a bitch because that's what i do for all my

girlfriends and they do great i would be the real gay friend okay yeah real gay friend, okay? Yeah. Real gay for pay. Real. Decent advice. Because I don't think any of these women have one. None of them. No. It's hard to get a real gay friend when you're on camera. Yes. I would help Rinna. I'd be like, Rinna, if you're going to bring down Vanderpump, here's how to do it.

No, no. Stop looking at the fly. Stop chasing the fly. Come back. Okay? I know. I see the butterfly, too. Pay attention.

Focus. That fly's been flying around for a long time, baby. Alright? I've been looking at flies for a long time. I've been in this world. I've been in the wilderness for a long time, baby. I've seen a lot of flies. And that fly is out of control.

I look at that fly and I say, that fly has problems. I see it. That fly is addicted. That fly is a mess and I'm not taking it, baby. Harry once had a fly in his house that was a mess. It ruined his life.. I see it. That fly is addicted. That fly is a mess, and I'm not taking it, baby. Harry once had a fly in his house that was a mess. It ruined his life. I cannot take it anymore, baby. Own it, fly.

That fly is not owning it, all right? That fly. But I'm going to get out my swatter. I'm going to be crazy Rinna, okay? And I own that, baby. Oh, you're on the fly's side? Well, guess what? The fly vomits on food, and then he eats it, okay? So consider whose side you're on the fly side well guess what the fly vomits on food and then he eats it okay so consider whose side you're on baby um yeah i think beverly hills could use a real gay

you know erica needs some real gays to help her look less cray cray she needs a gay who's like don't pat your puss like she needs a gay who's gonna be like bitch you 44 get your hand off your pussy nobody needs to see that okay now here's a good old jazz standard yeah here's who nina simone is and what she meant for our world okay um lauren oh no kenneth curtis uh he says my friend maggie was just diagnosed with Lyme disease. She is an avid listener due to my badgering and can really use some, quote unquote, advice from you guys in yo-yo voice to really teach her how to get better. As her health advocate, it is much appreciated. Well, we just got a question from somebody who gets paid $200 an hour. So congratulations, health advocate.

That's a rough job to get yeah okay so maggie here's what you have to do all right you have to lie around all day and then take a picture of yourself in a bathing suit against the rock no one will believe you unless you are in white denim okay all right maggie all you have to do is have three children and make sure they are supermodels. And only remember one of their names. It's not that hard. Lyme disease feeds off of almond.

If you eat more than one almond, you will be dead and weak. Okay? Trust. I don't have anything else. Also, Lyme. I'm not sure if it's chronic Lyme or Lyme. But if it's Lyme, lime but if it's lime take your damn medications and take care of yourself that is not fun get some rest girl yeah feel

better over there my god yeah sorry maggie sorry maggie that you got the lime the old lime disease maggie hugs lime hugs hugs for maggie um uh let's see i'm trying to trying to remember what we see michael horn did we ask this one if the housewives cast competed as a team against each other in Let's see I'm trying to remember Michael Horn Did we ask this one? If the Housewives cast Competed as a team Against each other In a Big Brother

Survivor style competition Which city Do you think Would win? Atlanta Yeah I think it would be Atlanta For sure

Well just Kenya Would recruit Matt probably And then you know Matt versus Ramona It's done I think they would win because they're not afraid to get dirty and just like rip each other to shreds when they need to although there are a lot of like puzzles i'm thinking about putting porsche on a puzzle team

no one's winning the puzzles can you imagine ramona okay whoa this is crazy okay you put the box over there and i know this because when I was a little girl I used to love playing puzzles in the woods and I would play this puzzle and I'd put the box always on the right. And Geraldine Parsons would say, don't put the box down there. You can't put the box down there. I said, well, that's the key to getting it right. And she said, no, you don't put the box

anywhere because you're a stupid little girl who doesn't do puzzles anyway. And so from this day forward, I never did puzzles. But then as I got older, I decided I am going to do puzzles. And that's why you should never rely on someone else to do a puzzle for you, okay? Ramona would never leave Survivor just because she would refuse to put her fire out.

I will not put out my fire, okay, Rob? I will not do it. You can't tell me to do it because the minute you put out the fire, that's when Mario thinks that it's not time to come home, okay? And I won't do it. I'm an independent woman, but it's very important for me, okay? That Mario always knows that there's a fireplace going for him, okay? Hey, Jeff Probst, can you take my bags, please?

Okay? She would just call him Rob the whole time. She would never even learn his name. This is a beautiful island. Where's the reggae music? Reggae music. She wouldn't even do some of the challenges because she wouldn't go to that part of the island. I'm sorry, but we don't go to that part of the island.

We go to the Hamptons to do those things, okay? Let's take class A. That Rob Proby is so tacky, okay? Like, if this is all you can afford, I get it, okay? But I'm a working woman. I've been working since I was 11, okay? But I'm a working woman. I've been working since I was 11, okay? I need a bigger hut.

That Rob Probst keeps hitting on me, okay? It's like, all right, I get it. This is fun. I love flirting. I love flirting with Rob Probst. He seems to be really receptive to it, okay? Ramona would never get voted off because she'd be lost the first day because her stupid macrame swimsuit would get caught on a branch or something. She'd never figure out how to get back to camp.

She'd throw a champagne glass at her other survivor tribe members. Where'd you get that from? She's like, I just have them, okay? No one can fish, but she can stab the fish in the brain with a fucking wine glass. She gets voted off. She just doesn't go. Well, I'm sorry. I want to stay.

You don't get to tell me what to do, okay? I wore Ramona Blue for this tribe. Take us annex! I just want to have fun, okay? Why can't I have fun on this tribe? Why do I have to go? Why do I have to go anywhere? I don't want to leave.

This is an island. It's for all of us, okay? Now, I claim that hammock. That's mine. She's just stealing everybody else's dresses. They're like, we don't have another. There was no other dress for you to steal okay i know where did all the bandanas go well it fell off the

raft so i took it for myself rob sintern gave it to me rob probes said i could wear it it's ramona blue you know what you just need to calm down you know i'm sorry i'm very sorry i'm sorry that you are hurt so much by me taking your bandana and i won't give it back oh good what else is in the old male band oh lord um you know i don't i just can't remember what we said we did did we ever ask would you rather be patricia's butler or catherine or catherine t-rex nanny you are also ethnic in this in this scenario okay would i rather be catherine's lebanese nanny or what was the other one patricia's lebanese butler i would rather be the butler anytime i mean look it's making a perfect martini for some old bitch in a caftan, like some old racist bitch. I'm sure that's awful. Cleaning the shit off of Thomas' children, way worse.

And he'll throw your purse in the pool. Don't forget. Especially because you probably have to take care of the child as if the child were from 1845. These little blousey things and little hats and all that stuff. Be a lot of attention and these antique rattles that have been passed down in antebellum years. Look, Thomas Ravenel, I'm not teaching your child English based on things that rhyme with Confederate. Okay?

I'm not going to do it. We're going to have to find a better plan of action to teach these children, Thomas. I would be fired in two seconds. I also don't want to be pushed in the pool. Although he does walk around naked a lot. But man, those ears are probably really starting to take away from the penis. Those ears are getting out of control. It's a little Pinocchio. It's a little Pinocchio-ish.

I think he's on that island. Look out for whales! Alright, so... Look out for whales. All right. No. That's it. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Oh, yay mailbag. Yay mailbag. Okay, we have so much to talk about. So I'm going to put this out here, Rondahl.

Well, we obviously have Dialys. We have Shaz. Rondahl. Well, we obviously have Dallas. We have Shaz. And obviously the Potomac reunion. I don't know what I'm putting out. I'm putting out the most obvious things that we have those three to talk about.

So let's talk about them. Thank you. I'm all worried. Coffee! I'm like, listen, Ronnie. I have something to tell you. This week, I only want to talk about Shaz, Dallas, and Potomac. Is that okay with you? I'll let you have this one. It's important for me to mark down when I let you win, okay? So I have a good score.

I like when you do shit like that. I let you win three times last week. I'm loopy, everyone. As I mentioned on the bonus episode, my sleep pattern is all messed up. I woke up at 5.30 this morning. Couldn't fall back to sleep. I watched Dallas. I went to sleep at 9.30.

Woke up again at like 10.45. coffee and here i am i'm all turned around well what do you want to start with dallas or shaz why don't we dallas just because the most recent thing i watched it's new and it's fresh and you know it was better than i expected oh it was my dream come true dallas man everyone in texas knows that dallas is the fucking worst people in dallas walk around like this is the fashion capital of the world one of my cousins actually told me when i was living in new york she said well where do you even think the fashion capital of the world is and i said i guess paris well where else new york oh yeah everyone in new york says that. What about Dallas? I was like, you're wearing, like, polyester pants and a tube top and you're 300 pounds.

What the fuck are you talking about? These are the kind of people who think that Dallas is the fashion capital of the world. Maybe if you're going to, like, the latest Bolo fashion show. But otherwise, I would leave it to Paris. So the thing that's interesting about the show, it's funny because halfway through, something did feel a little strange to me. Like it didn't feel totally like a house-type show. It felt like a different sort of show.

And then I thought to myself, I bet this was repurposed. So I looked it up. I looked at the Upfronts, Bravo Upfronts report from last year. Sure enough, this show was originally called Ladies of Dallas, which I wonder if it was supposed to be a spinoff of Ladies of London. And then they were like, well, we're going to cancel that one. Change the name again. Yeah. So it was supposed to be about like women fundraising in Dallas charity, all that stuff, which is what we saw.

Unlike every other housewives. Exactly. But, you know, I guess it probably would have been more about the ladies and not their families, perhaps. I don't know. But either way, just a little backstory on where we are. Bravo tries to do this. That's where we got Real Housewives of Miami.

That was called, like, the Miami Eating Club or something. And then Real Housewives of Potomac was repurposed, too. Did you know that? I assumed it was because it came out of nowhere. I think when these shows come out of nowhere, which is what happened with the first season of miami also that and then they're probably repurposed from something else what was it what was potomac it was supposedly about etiquette which really makes it it puts it all into such better context i can't believe they didn't bring that up on the reunion because it makes karen at least kind of make sense well it's

kind of unfair just jumping ahead. Andy's like, God, you guys talked about etiquette so much. Well, if it was a show about etiquette, then that's why. So way to set them up to look like assholes. Well, that's what he does. I don't know if that's true. I didn't read that on Bravo or anything. I just read that on ye olde internet.

Anyway, Dallas is perfect for Real Housewives. It's a bunch of rich ladies or fake rich ladies who are always trying to one-up each other in charities that they don't give a flying fuck about and know nothing about. Just a bunch of phony baloney idiots. And wow, did they deliver for me. I mean, the opening shots is how I judge a show. This one. Botox. Like someone was getting Botox.

Statues of cows, because in Texas there are statues of cows and bulls everywhere, and horses, like bronze statues in people's front yards. I don't know why, but they showed a bunch of those. And then they showed some old lady who looked like kind of Carol Burnett in like some weird circular hat in a fashion show. So Texas fashion. I'm there. I'm with you.

Yeah, I have to say I was a little suspect. I always approach new Bravo shows with a certain amount of caution. I, and, and at the outset, we first met Brandy and I was a little concerned. She's like, I was like,

she's like, I, you know, she used to be a Dallas cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys. And I was like, Oh God, she's going to be like a big whatever. And she has a child named Brooklyn,

which was strange to me because she's from Texas and her husband's from Texas. So why are they naming their kid Brooklyn? Did not understand that. And I was like, so you're sort of like vapid and pretentious at the same time.

They're just first impressions, which all got reversed. Well, it's like Brooklyn and Brinkley, you know, it's like things that she wants but can't have like you want to be christy brinkley can't do it you want to go to brooklyn can't do it two icons of new york state christy brinkley and brooklyn and she talks like this she has a little soft voice like this yeah and she met her husband in the eighth grade yeah i was trying to make the quarterback jealous but he

didn't get jealous and then i ended up with this guy now we have a bunch of ginger babies running around yeah i was like oh i'm gonna hate this woman but i actually of course changed my mind on that then we met leanne uh leanne whoa whoa leanne so um leanne her first scene was her not being able to open up a door which i thought was a great metaphor for her life she's like how did i open this door oh do you see me open the door it says push did you see me i was pulling it said push how hilarious she has this kind of throaty voice like this yeah yeah it is a metaphor for her life trying to push open a door that's pull only to a store she can't afford in the first place. And it's a thrift store.

Called Vintage Martini. Fashion capital of the world. Olives do expire, honey. Did you see me trying to pull this door? I mean, I was pulling the door, and I was supposed to be pushing the door. I mean, can you believe it god i miss texas she's one of those people that likes to like highlight the funny thing she did like three times but did you see me did you see my i was i was pulling instead of pushing did you

see that you see that over there i was pushing i wasn't pushing i'd like to ever get that did you see that i was pulling i love it i love the joy of te. I just love, did you see that? I love that. And also, our gays are real, by the way. The gay who owns the store, she's like, what do you think of this? And he goes, honey, I love you, but that ain't going to fit. Like, yes. Yes, real gay.

Yes. Yeah, but the women are fake and the gays are real. Yes, girl. You know you're a real gay if you spent high school running from pickup trucks trying to drag you around the streets. We earned that shit. Yeah, certainly. So what was funny to me in this first scene with Leanne, she starts – she's talking about society, this and society. She goes, this charity thing and that charity thing and this. But then she very quietly mentions, I'm not the one who writes the checks, but I volunteer a lot.

I was like, that doesn't I mean, that's nice that you volunteer, but you can't be talking about charity this and charity that if you're not writing the checks. Yes, of course. She says charity a million times in society. And this is what society is like. And it's very difficult to get into the the society because once you're out you are out and i am one of the popular girl and she's going on and on and then she's like well maybe i don't write the checks but someone has to order the wine and make sure the chairs are around the tables yeah that's literally what she's saying she's like i order the vases i get the flowering

i make sure that the doors are unlocked so people can come into the function oh i'm so sorry no i'm just gonna say and just to jump ahead for one second when we later see her at her at her house or her boyfriend's house i mean this place made the breaking bad look house look like a mansion i was like i call myself the math of the south i use my voice to connect people and charities together that's a charity broker okay they're all fucking frauds she makes a percentage off whatever she raises don't buy it from this woman she's evil and also i love that this is the one he's like i may be a connie but

that means i know how to have a good time or whatever her opening line is yeah and she goes i have a good work ethic because i've been a carny since I was a young girl. I understand the dark side of life. And then they show like her in an umbrella hat. Yeah. And she's like, and she like understands. She's like, listen, I've been mugged. I've been knocked on the side of the head. I've been forced to juggle knives, kiss water buffaloes for pleasure. Jump through fire rings, throw a fake beard. I've seen it all and I understand charity. I used to have a second head.

This is so funny. It prepared me for life and Dallas society. Okay, so she's got this friend, Tiffany, who, bless her heart, look, this is how Texas works. Blondes in one area, brunettes in another. I've never seen a group of friends that's different. If there is a brunette in a group of Texan friends, she is in the corner by herself. The blonde girls feel better than her. Yeah, Tiffany.

So the very first note I wrote was Tiffany and Leanne are going to fall apart because they're sitting there bragging about their friendship and how they've been friends for so long and yada yada yada and Tiffany has a face what's the word? Volpine? She looks just like a fox. This is not going to last. This is a classic setup where two people are friends in the first episode

and then fall apart over the course of the season. Mark my words. Yes. Well, for her face, I just wrote down Margaret Cho with giada surgery oh god and she is tiffany is so texas looking i mean she is so texas and she's like which you know and you know that you know that leanne is gonna just always be hurting herself on this show because her choice jewelry is this big gigantic square of turquoise yeah and that she'll drown with if she swims in a pool it's like you know that this girl

is just gonna drown herself and you know it looks like one of those flagstones i was just picked up off a driveway and then wired together and put it around her damn i was literally just about to say that she stole a flagstone off of someone's walkway off of countess luann's walkway she took a pickaxe to it in Connecticut and grabbed it up. I learned how to do that in the carnival. That's right. I spent the first 45 minutes of the show thinking it was some weird

turquoise bag she had dangling from her neck. I wouldn't even say weed. It's probably just full of little tchotchkes. Little tickets from raffles from all the charities. She's like's like well one of these days you're gonna come through for me um so then we meet carrie who is uh a plastic surgeon's wife um she's also like a like a uh kind of nurse surgical there's a term which i'm forgetting

it's like surgical assistant physician's assistant or whatever surgeon surgeon assistant i'm sorry yeah whatever it means when the wife shows up to make sure their gay husband isn't fucking people I'm forgetting it's like surgical assistant, physician's assistant or whatever. Surgeon, surgeon assistant. I'm sorry. Yeah. Whatever it means when the wife shows up to make sure their gay husband isn't fucking people at work, whatever you call that. Listen, I got to say, at least she's doing something legitimate.

At least she's assisting with, she, she's a, she has accomplishments. She, she has evidence of education. I would hope if she's doing surgery, she's better than Gail on secrets and wives.

Whose big thing was making blazers for all the slave receptionists. Is she actually doing surgery? Because I think she's a nurse assistant. I think she hands things to the nurse who hands things to the doctor. I'm not sure. Time will tell. You can't just

walk in and do that. You have to have some sort of certification. It's more than Gail, who does Pilates in the morning, SoulCy soul cycle in the afternoon and blazer shopping in the evening i love that her name uh her last name is dubes or something it's like doobie something and she's like boobs by dupes and she's talking about in dallas you need three things a good handbag good shoes and good boobs it's all about the boobs and dallas you gotta have good boobs and my husband brings boobs to people who need them breast cancer hurts people my husband gives them new boobs okay you want to talk about a couple of fraudsters they

have a charity that pays for people to get their boobs done by this doctor so they are not just handing out boobs to people on their own time they're raising money to pay their own damn mortgage yeah shame on y'all so then we meet stephanie next right and stephanie is for some reason she reminds me of kelly pickler um she and actually by the way it took me about five minutes to realize we'd moved on to a new housewife i thought we were still on the plastic surgery i did too i was like i was like okay we get to see her at home i was like oh wait a second but she has a different husband now and a really stupid voice oh my god so her and brandy the ginger are besties and they're this like giggly trio this giggly duo of girls who just walks around giggling and talking about farts

yeah and like drinking quote-unquote jesus juice aka wine and her husband gives her random household chores just to make just just because he can so they spend time trying to like fix a garage or opening and basically don't open her and stephanie basically spends the entire time like like both of them one of them talks like, and the other one talks like this. They are really quite a pair. I cannot wait to see them. And I'm loving them already because Brandy is so Texas. She's like, well, my best friend is Stephanie, and she lives on a hole.

Because she lives at the Four Seasons Hotel on the golf course. Yeah. She lives right on the hole. at the Four Seasons Hotel on the golf course. Yeah. See this right on the hole. I come over here so that we can drink Jesus cheese together. And we call it that because Jesus turned water into wine.

And so you drink it at church and then you drink it together. And then one of them is trying to open a bottle and hits herself with a corkscrew. And they just sit there cracking up at each other. Yeah, they seem like they have a fun time. Stephanie is, I'm interested to see how Stephanie's husband pans out. Because he was, he's like a little bossy. He was like bossing her to pick up a ski jacket of some sort. Yeah.

I think the jury's out on him. Yes. We're crazy. We're crazy. She'll fart and I'll dance inside of her fart. And then she says, says i don't know why she does these to-do list things i mean she should just steal her husband's money like i do yeah brandy is a gem i'm i i really i was surprised uh i i was really preparing to

dislike her and by the time the scene was over i was like okay i'm on brandy's side so funny and this was not even a scene coming up i just wrote of course the villain is a brunette carney lol texas exactly and i think we go to leanne next right next we go to stephanie and travis oh jane bacon oh wait we just talked about her um i was raised in church, not allowed to dance, dad, deacon, mom, Bible school teacher. My kids are named Chance and Cruz. Oh, Lord.

Yeah. Oh, geez. Our relationship is fueled by Jesus' juice. We hammered and made out. We got hammered and made out. Yeah. And then the next night, we got hammered again, and then we made out some more, and then we got married.

Yeah, I'm like is that's not promising if you spent the first six months of your relationship wasted waking up on the floor of your kitchen with him and then you get married you could tell her attention span's really short because she goes my husband's kind of bossy I mean I think he

wishes he was married to his mama okay his dream woman would be Betty Draper. I'm like, uh... Apparently you only watched the first episode of Mad Men, you dumbass. Yeah, I was gonna say. Oh, yo, I had the exact same thought.

More bull statues in front of homes. Yeah. Now, Carrie and Mark. Is that what you said?rie oh boob construction blah blah we can fast forward we already talked about them the doctor oh yeah oh yeah they were like oh yeah i'm having a trunk show for boobs yeah which 10 goes to 10 of the sales of this jewelry goes to boobs yeah yeah with your 10 so charitable i. I know. Those tacks. Everyone was talking about charity this entire episode, especially, again, then we come back to Leanne. And she is, again, talking about charity.

But Leanne cracked me up because she's such a passive-aggressive bitch. There's this woman named Marie who suddenly appears. And they're somewhere. And Leanne's like, oh, I don't think i want this deviled egg give it to marie you know she'll eat almost everything go eat it marie eat it eat it marie eat the dope deviled egg meanwhile marie isn't marie the really rich one who has the house so they're having this charity event at marie's house i forget what this one's not for the boobs right which is this one for yeah this was for the boobs it is for the boobs so lean? Which is this one for? Yeah, this was for the boobs. It is for the boobs.

So Leanne, yeah, walking around like she's the boss. And Marie's terrified of Leanne. She's like, when Leanne tells you to do something, you do it. And Leanne immediately sees Brandy and Stephanie, the bimbos, talking to each other. Because they're like, remember when you had your baby? Yeah, when I had my baby, I went poop on myself and then you fired it huh yeah and they're just like laughing about vaginas and poops and leanne passes and she goes it's a little plaino in here my favorite thing was also like when that when that older woman was talking about the charity

and she's like well women need breast reconfigurations leon's like awesome awesome so we switch over to tiffany and aaron so tiffany is a liam's brunette friend and then aaron is her like key urban wannabe flat iron hair australian accented la reject oh yep we met in la of course you did where else would you be at the rainbow room i guarantee she is so ridiculous but not hateable she's not hateable i feel bad for her because she doesn't look that rich um she's an ex-model she can't be that rich she married a musician she obviously married for love idiot and then uh she met him she goes i met him in hollywood and you know i was doing everything cocaine modeling going on boats, drinking Cristal,

and I had a come to Jesus moment on the bathroom floor. Aaron found me right there and brought me to a land of cheaper rent. Yeah, but you could freely wear a bandana on your head like a pirate. Me and Leanne are peas and carrots.

Both things children are afraid of i call her sucker and my name's tash so then she takes her boy toy her her aging boy toy to the guitar store and not only does she buy him some expensive guitar he insists on singing to her oh god i mean i'm sorry like the flat iron hair i can't deal i cannot deal at all his song lyrics he's like i love you i'm so happy i could cry i I found me. Well, I still need some work. You couldn't rhyme cry. Meanwhile, Tiffany is crying herself. She's like, it reminds me of the formica on the bathroom floor.

Remember when I was at rock bottom, how I accidentally stored a sub without Ajax. And then you took my wallet out of my purse and I was in the emergency room. Ah, romance. Reminds me of the time i try to eat mothballs for a cheap high this show is already priceless to me so now we get to leanne and her poor person home here it is good lord it's like what are you shooting this on the rosanne set in the fucking smithsonian where did you get this place this is the woman i mean i was shocked i mean this is a woman who just five minutes ago was starting off her sentences by saying here's the thing about society okay okay and then she comes into this house oh honey you can't be mean and poor. Yeah. Now, I appreciated that she didn't lie about being poor when she was like,

now there are some people who are billionaires. There are some people who are like millionaire millionaires who just got like tons of millions in the bank. And then there's some people who just have like a million or two. And I'm not into any of those. I'm in the 20. I'm in the 20 group. If I ever have a child, I'm naming him Carl

because I eat at Carl's Jr. every single night. If I have a baby, I'm naming him Washington because I got more of those bills in my wallet than any other. We're all sweet. So, poor thing. She's, like, scooping dinner out of HEB, you know, prepared foods, plastics. Or lisa vanderpump is hawking lvp sangria at this moment you know she's looking you know lvp is looking at those

heb things like what do people use those little plastic boxes for darling why would they put food in there that's for their swans who does that why would they name a supermarket after an epithet against Jews? I'm not going to tell Mohammed I'm here, that's for sure. Get him all excited, darling. And they have a cracker aisle on top of everything else. I mean, this place is just awful. Leanne is a damn mess, okay? Not only is she brunette and eating out of HEB to-go's,

she goes, well, yeah, my husband. Well, you know, we're not married. But, you know, my boyfriend, we're living in sin. You know how that goes. Well, he's already been married a few times. He's the ying to my yang. He's the ferris to my wheel. Ying.

He's the ying to my yang. God bless her heart. We need to heater, she tells him over dinner. She's like, honey, he's like some Texas cop. Be afraid, okay? Yeah. And she goes, honey, we need a heater. And he goes, then we need to make some more money. She goes, never mind.

I'll let the son do it. He's like, don't worry. There's a quota at the police station. If I just shoot three more black people for no reason, I get $5,000. Oh, Leanne. Did I cross the line? Hey, you got to keep your heat on. Let me see.

She's talking about how she's not rich. She goes, yeah, but it's better being me because all the millionaires know my name oh no on the keep out of the party my picture is up in front of every party like do not enter they know me at every store in dallas they even have my checks up on the register. Some people walk around with a toolbox. I walk around with a little needle to poke those darn things to set off the store alarms with. You know what I'm talking about? What are those little needle things you push into the – what are those little things they put on clothes?

I want one of those things so bad. So she mentions her big feud is with this, the ginger, Brandy, the idiot ginger, which, of course, a weak, poor villain is always going to pick the dumb one. Always. And she picked wrong, unfortunately, for her, as we'll see later in the show. Yes, whoa. She's like, well, I'll just get the dumb one and make fun of her. And she tells us the story. She's like, last week I was doing a charity with the AIDS services, Dallas did something about AIDS

and she's like, and that girl had the nerve, what did she even say about her? I just started laughing so hard that she's throwing off AIDS, like it's just another day at the office, she's like, I was talking to AIDS and that girl had the nerve to be married to a rich man. Yeah, I don't remember what she

said about Brandy, but I do remember what she said about brandy but i do remember that around this time brandy did her leanne impersonation and it was hilarious it was just like something weird like that and to see brandy being just like quiet like texas girl just spoke like this and also go she's imitating her at an auction she's like that ain't gonna do maybe i'll need 500 500 that ain't gonna do either i love that she just made her fat albert it's so offensive it was hilarious but also leanne says plainly why she hates both the the giggle twins and she says they don't they just they married rich some women don't want to have a job. They just want to marry rich men,

and that's fine. I didn't marry into society. I work. Darling, that's not society, all right? You're an employee of a rich person. You're not in society when you clean a carpet, darling. You're a carpet cleaner.

Yes, just because you subscribe to High Society Magazine does not mean that you're actually in society. brandy and stephanie these wine glasses in texas they are all like that they're humongous they're bigger than a head uh so they're doing more of their giggle twin stuff the impression comes up and now leanne is after her she thinks she's gonna get her because of this we're at the AIDS charity now right like it's like is this a yeah this is another AIDS thing right no this is still the same boob charity but they're talking about the AIDS charity that made Leanne mad I thought those two but didn't those two gay guys stand up and say what you've done I don't know doesn't matter was it was it a different chair I guess you're right

there were there were gays talk I can't be a gay AIDS boo cherry. All I know is that this one happened at, I think, Marie's house. And again, Leanne, God, her favorite thing is to take down Marie in these weird ways. She's like, oh, Marie, why do you have the big and the little plates out? Like, why don't you have enough plates? What are you going to do with big and little plates, Marie? God, you're such a crazy old geek. Why don't you eat another egg?

It's an egg. Eat the egg, Marie. Marie's like, someone please help me get these plates out of here. Please. She's coming for me. I can't believe I didn't get all my big plates. Everything's bigger in Texas. Why would I get the little plates? So Brandy explains to us

why she hates Leanne, too. They hate each other. And she goes, It's just not very nice. She acts like she's never met me we've met a hundred times she'll always say who are you again and i think seriously bitch i mean me and my husband are both redheads our last name is redmond you have stupid you have to be yeah exactly and she points out that leanne points always uses these charities to talk about herself and she got up at the AIDS charity and there were all these

people talking about their AIDS stories Leanne gets up and gives a speech about being a carny kid Yeah Well when I was a carny kid I needed some first aid because I got hit in the head with a hammer So I know about AIDS. Back when I was

the carny kid, you got hit in the face with a hammer. Someone just put some gum over your cut and called it AIDS. You know, back when I was a carna, sometimes we take the HOV lane to get to the next fairground. So I know a lot about the HOV illness.'ll tell you when i was a carny we had some real trouble with the bees there were those hives everywhere so don't come to me thinking you know more about how to me so so yeah brandy and stephanie show up and Leanne is already shooting daggers with her eyes. And someone, was it Marie who tells Leanne that Brandy was

making fun, was imitating her? Someone told her, right? They all knew what they were doing, but they're like, oh, she does these real fun impersonations. But they didn't call it that. What were they calling it? They kept saying the mimic.

Liam was like, oh, I heard you were doing a mimic. If the mimic is from a good place, I will laugh my ass off. I was like, please stop saying mimic over and over again. And then they approach Brandi like, so we hear you have a mimic. I'm dying to hear the mimic. Could you please tell the mimic to us? I love a good mimic I love some mimicry come on we'd love to see it

and Brandy looks like she's gonna poop on the floor and she does not want to do it and she's like I'm not a I'm not this man girl I will not do this and so she doesn't do it and finally Leanne's like well fine then I guess we'll get you later once you've had a couple of those

drinks and then you can do that mimicry you're so proud of. Yeah. And then Leanne and Tiffany walk away. So then Brandy and Stephanie are like, they're murmuring or whatever. And then Leanne comes back because I guess Stephanie brushes one of Brandy's hair away. And Leanne goes, y'all are so cute spot checking each other. I don't miss a beat, by the way. You're cute as pie.

You don't have much to say, do you? Little cutie pie. Checking each other. I bet I could do a real good mimic of you. I'd just be quiet, wouldn't I? I wish there was a rich person for me to marry so I could mimic you. So then Leanne, I'm sorry, then Brandy's like, Hi, Leanne, can I just talk with you for a second?

So you think for a moment that, first of all, it seems like way too much for this situation. But then you think Brandy's maybe going to try to bury the hatchet. And she's like, listen, it's just, you know, I'm like a nice person. And like, I don't, you know, imitating people. people it's just sort of what i do so you think it's an apology and leanne the fake bullshit artist that she is she's like oh i see your spirit you're a sweetheart you mimic people because it's your comedy and i love that about you there is nothing about you that i don't accept okay i? I accept every little thing about you,

even your mimicking. Which is top A quality. A for AIDS, right? If there was a Yelp for mimics, I mean, I would go on there and I'd give you a few stars, little mimicky, mimicky moo moo. Mimic.

I ran through that movie, Mimic, and to my surprise, you were not in it, but it was Mira Sorvino. And I'll tell you one thing, she doesn't mimic like you do. Guess who else isn't welcome in Dallas society anymore? Mira Sorvino. Or any of those giant, large-sized cockroaches. They are not pleasant. Mimics they are, but they are not funny mimics.

So she's giving her the full-on Texas Cup fitness treatment. Yeah. And Brandy looks terrified, but but she goes i'm worried about you worried about me why would you be worried about me um my back doesn't hurt it's not like i have sex and money that i'm carrying around like some people it was it was to me brandy doing that was so amazing. Like, for Leanne to come at her in such a condescending way, and be like, yeah, I'm just concerned about you, actually. I'm not actually here to apologize. I'm just concerned about you.

And Leanne got, whoa, that ruffled. Whoa, Leanne. It did. She, like, straightened up. And she's like, why? Why would you be worried about me she goes i was at that aids event last week remember when you didn't know my name and these people were talking about aids and then you told your story and she goes my story helps people lean okay i've been

through everything you know so some people think i'm mad and aggressive, but that's who I am. And Brandy goes, well, be who you are. She goes, but I am being who I am. I'm mimicking myself. I love a good self-mimic. But there's a time and a place. Well, what's a better time to tell people who you are than when they're dying of AIDS? What am I going to tell them after? I mean, what kind of introducer do you think i am honey

but then but then brandy brandy had the most wonderful neck because uh leanne i guess leanne was telling her that she's loud or whatever and brandy was brandy just says to her like listen you don't have to be any of those things to be accepted which was so amazingly condescending like you know implying that randy is part of the establishment and that leanne is trying to get in with them like you don't have to do that to be accepted by us oh i loved it and then leanne goes oh so you see me it's a pathetic person yeah i was like well you really read into that one, Leanne. And then Brandy, not letting go, says, well, I just feel sorry for you. And Leanne's like, how dare she? I do charity.

This girl talks about farts and peeps. And then I just wrote down this quote. At one point she goes, little mimicker. She did. This was so funny. She really did say, I do charity. And all she does is talk about farts and peeps. And then she goes to the kitchen and starts doing the dishes.

Okay. And then. Making little ones too. She's in there just like talking about herself. She's like, that girl had the nerve to tell me this and that little mimicker. And she's doing the dishes. Oh my God. Oh, hallelujah.

Hallelujah. Also good for Brandy for saying in this stupid fight, she's like, well, because Leanne was like, you don't understand. Y'all haven't been in society for a long time. And I am in society. And Brandy goes, well, it's because I have kids. She goes, well, I don't. She goes, I know. And that's your choice.

But my choice is to have kids and a family. don't just i know and that's your choice but my choice is to have kids in the family and for me it's gross to be spending all this money on parties when we could just be giving money to charity and she's like do not try and take the one percent of her ten percent donning wow lehan meanwhile lehan's like this is the only time of the week that I don't have to eat like frozen carnitas Okay so let me have my crudités I did bring my empty H-E-B to go

I know styrofoam's not popular But it's lasted me for 10 years Man that show Really made me laugh more than I thought And I guess it's because I'm from there And so I just love seeing Texas women in action because that is so true. I'm not from there. And I was cracking up.

I feel like this could be our new Secrets and Wives. Love it so far. Can't wait to see where they go. Love it. Can you? Oh, you know what? Never mind. I was going to ask you for a moment so I could.

Oh, wait. I'm trying. I need to find a coaster. I've made a mess of my table here. Take a moment. You want to make a pee pee or something? I don't have to make a pee pee, wait. I need to find a coaster. I've made a mess of my table here. Well, let's take a moment. You want to make a pee-pee or something? I don't have to make a pee-pee, but maybe I'll try.

Okay, well, just go hold your penis. Maybe something will come out. It's your choice. At the very least, I better find a coaster before I warp this lovely IKEA table. So, here we are back again. Now we're leaving Texas to go visit East Hollywood,

otherwise known as Little Armenia. Shaws. To welcome back the Shaws of Sunset. Now, look, I have a lot in common with these Texas people. I am not Persian. I'm Lebanese, so I don't have as much. In this town, we're considered the same. But, man, these Persians are rich.

And I also love that they all have backwards eating disorders. They are not disordered at all. They just eat. Every year they're fatter and fatter. God bless them. I love it. They really, really are. I was actually pretty happy to have Shah's back.

I know it's been promoted, but it sort of arrived, you know? And it's like, oh, the Shaz are back. It's time to get crazy now. And it seems like every year they shoot this show so much earlier than they air it. Because they shot this at the beginning of last summer. And it's already about that time again. And usually it only takes a few months for shows to release. But every year with Shaz, they push it and push it and push it and so it's like two years of fat

yeah i'm excited i'm excited for the season you know i i feel like i always like shaw's a little bit more than you do right or because you seem to get the shaw's i like what i liked about shaw's at first is that they're all real friends what made me end up hating it by the end of last year is that they're so bad to each other in a housewife show i expect it almost but when they're all real friends. What made me end up hating it by the end of last year is that they're so bad to each other. In a Housewives show, I expect it almost. But when they're supposed to be real friends, it really makes me uncomfortable because they're not just mean to each other.

They try to ruin each other every year on this show. Exactly. And then they tie it up with a little bit where they say, but we're family. I'm like, hmm. Yeah. Yeah. No, no.

No, no. I don't treat my friends that way and they don't treat me that way hell no you'd be done with me in two seconds if i did half this shit to you it's horrible that's right but luckily ronnie you're a good friend and you never treat me like that you too thanks i'm not just in a you too fakey bakey way you really are and god bless my friends for being good friends because Because I know I can be difficult. But people are just like, you're difficult. They're not like, Ronnie's an alcoholic for a year and try and bring me down. They're just like, are you an alcoholic?

And I'm like, maybe. And they're like, okay, let's go get a drink. The end. Now go eat this deviled egg, Ronnie. Eat it. Eat it. Eat it. So those are our macros.

Let me see. We start with the plight of Reza. Last year, I did some really fucked up things, and I left Adam at the altar, and it was a huge mistake. That's like so Persian. But guess what? He's still around. And it turns out the plight of Reza is not a plight at all, because T Tamge is still with Reza making breakfasts. Yes, Adam the Tamge is getting a revenge like

any wife would do by not shaving her beard. It's like so long that it's gonna hurt. There's no making out with that dirty hipster beard without getting poked. Yeah, it's gonna be scratchy. That's for sure. He's like, there, I've given up grooming. I hope you're happy, Reza. Yeah, so they're

happy. They're having more sex and reza says my life goals are simple i just want to get married buy a house have sex and buy gold um adam has learned uh is it farsi that they speak because i i recognize some um lebanese some arabic words in there They use like yallah. That is, we use that. So I'm not sure what they're speaking. I assumed it was Farsi or maybe we share some words. Who knows?

Can you speak Arabic? A little. Bokito. Aren't you sweet? A little bit. Yeah, I know bad words. I say a lot of words on this show. You just don't know what I'm talking about. You just move on.

You're like, not going to ask. I didn't realize that you were an Arabic mimic. That's all. Smolaben. So Adam's being cute. He's learned words. And then they start talking about their sex life. Wow.

Yeah. Wow. I wasn't ready for that. I was not ready for that that's too much adam's like well i've been trying in the sex department he's like i'm sure you've been trying like taking a shower and then lying face down on the bed that's not trying okay it really made me pine for the days of ashley and michael's pull-out method discussions. I just love that Adam walks right up to the bed and just lays with his face down on a pillow.

He just turns into a starfish. Hi, starfish. You ready for me to penetrate you now? Make it stop. Make it stop. At the end of this, I'm getting a watch. Gay marriage. It becomes normal marriage so fast.

So speaking of love and relationships, we move on to MJ. And MJ has a new boyfriend named Tommy, who is another in a long line of putzes that she seems to be attracted to. Wow, this is an aggressive putz. Yeah, really aggressive. And there are great love stories that they met on Tinder. And on the first date, she got out of the car

and he was there in basketball shorts with an erection. And to me, the real story is, why was he wearing basketball shorts on their first date? Well, you're dating MJ. It's like asking why people bring trash bags to SeaWorld.

They know they're going to sit in the front row. They can get something on them. Like red velvet cake. Or chocolate croissants. MJ has really come a long way. She's opening this episode by telling her boyfriend, I need to purge. Yes.

Don't do that while I'm drinking coffee, Ronnie. You make me purge i think i think we can all applaud a reasonable life goal yeah and by the way they are showing a different exterior for her condo but she still lives in the same place because remember i saw her on the street just like a month ago walking her two dogs yes they they got like a building down it's still a building that's right there yeah exactly it looked familiar still probably imagine with my building imagine they get to my apartment mj's condo it's like you see me you see me on the balcony wait what not like covering my face you start getting mystery slider drops on your balcony where are these coming from

so she's talking about moving all of her old terrible clothes out to bring in all new terrible clothes to match basketball shorts i mean i don't know what the fuck she's talking about this guy's a pig yeah uh he's totally an obvious pig and not because fat but like she goes i need she goes i really want to bequeath my shoes to somebody and he's like you want to queef your shoes it was somebody. And he's like, you want to bequeath your shoes? It was like the second coming of Jonathan from Secrets and Wives. It really was. He's going to stick his thumb up her ass next in front of Vita.

And she'll take it. Oh, my God, those bangs, MJ. MJ is a humongous mess. And I still really like her. I love her. She can be so evil. And yet I still always love her. Yeah. I do too.

I find that I'm on her side even when she's evil. Because then when they're mean back to her, I'm like, but poor MJ. Yeah. And then you meet her mom, who's the most evil. And then you realize, oh, it's okay. Yeah, exactly. She's wearing her mother's hatred, darling. And I can't wait for Vita to clash with this guy.

Oh, because he ain't going to take shit from her. That's for sure. That's right. And she's not going to take shit from him either. What the fuck's your problem, you twat? Can't wait. First of all, I'm not a twat, I'm ping pong champion. Although, if you hit a ping pong at your twat, chances are I would hit it over the net.

Every time. Would you call Martina Navratilova a twat? I don't think so. Please, can we just would you call martina navratilova twat i don't think so please can we just get her saying martina navratilova at some point in a fake version so next we go over to jessica and mike oh yeah they're doing the culver stairs um and this is one of those really fun sort of scenes that you see before a relationship falls apart where mike's talking about how much he loves Jessica. And he says that he wants her to be with him until the day he dies. You know, or not.

Or until I, you know, fuck some girl in the hallway of a party and get caught next time. Or at least until daylight savings time. Probably won't last that long poor i would say poor jessica and mike literally maybe because there was something in the news that he just spent a million dollars on like some egg chair which he will be poor he probably is poor now she's marrying for money but she's marrying someone without money and i don't see her ever changing her mind on that one he's definitely gonna get arrested at some point i don't know where all this money is coming from. He spent like five seasons not working.

And now he's spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on every little thing. He is up to no good for sure. And it's going to crash. We've seen this before. We watch Bravo. We know what happens to these bodies. And we know they broke up. I don't know why they broke up.

What happened? I know that she started dating some serial killer or something after him. He cheated. Oh, but like that's new. Yeah, exactly. By the way, you can't say you're going to be the only woman in a relationship when you have a different face every goddamn week.

Keep your face on, woman. I know. Yeah, Jessica. So we don't like to make fun of the way people look, but when people do things to their faces... When you do it to yourself. Then we do make fun of you. Yeah, it's like...

That's true, Jessica, because you look pretty. You look pretty on your own. And now you are just turning into the Joker. You look like somewhat, you look like a beast on Jennifer Lopez all over her face. Like, I see what you're going for, but just stop it.

Please just stop it. Reverse. Rewind, darling. So Mike says that Jessica, he's like, well, you know, married life is very different, you know? Jessica makes me, like, ask for permission for well, you know, married life is very different. You know, Jessica makes me, like, ask for permission for everything. You know, if I want to go out, I need to get permission.

If I want to see my boys, I ask permission. I got to do this. I'm like, well, that's terrible. Well, first of all. I want a new pussy. Got to ask Jessica. Yeah. But first of all, these guys have a fucked up relationship.

First of all, the fact that she has to ask for permission for anything is messed up. But also the fact that she needs to know exactly what he's doing because if she doesn't, he's going to cheat or whatever is also fucked up. They're both totally fucked up. Yes, and notice that she's going to wait to get on him about cheating even though he's constantly cheating. It's all over the old internet. She waits to divorce him until the cameras are rolling again. She's like, oh, I'll make sure that I'm back on TV.

I'm not going to get money from him, but I'll get another season. And then Jessica tells Mike, because Mike is on this thing. He's like, I just want us to all be a group again. I want my friends to be my brothers. I want them to be my uncles and aunts to my children. And Jessica's like, well, I'll, you know, I'll make amends with Gigi. I just hope that she's in a place of maturity, not craziness. I'm like, well,

you're one to talk. You're the crazy, well, I mean, Gigi's crazy, but you're crazy too. You screamed at a woman over fried calamari in a fluorescent lit Thai restaurant. Who are you to call anybody crazy? Yeah. I think that was a Persian restaurant, though. Whatever. Whatever. It was fluorescent lighting. That's the unforgivable part. Then over in Venice, we got to see Gigi's new lips, which are plumper than ever. And we got to see Asa's new caftans, which I thought they looked nice, actually.

I mean, I don't know about caftans, but I thought they looked pretty. Bravo. I mean, really, with the caftans. Does Bravo get a piece of every caftan? And where are these women wearing caftans? Because I don't see them in real life. I live in the same city as all these bitches. I don't see people walking around in these caftans.

Who are they? Where are they? I know one or two who are fond of some caftans. Besides me, darling. Well, they take them to Palm Springs. Oh, okay. Men? Yeah. I want a man caftan. Besides me, darling. Well, they take them to Palm Springs. Oh, okay. Men. Yeah. I want a man caftan.

I think of all of Asa's half-baked ideas, this is probably her best one. Well, it doesn't require anything that we have to listen to, which is lovely. And it doesn't include diamonds. Yeah, I could go for a caftan. Or things that look like diamonds. She's not putting caftans in water, so that's good.

So Gigi has rheumatoid arthritis, which is pretty terrible. You know God gave that to her so she couldn't threaten people with knives anymore. Yeah. You just stand still, okay? Just stand still for once. It's public safety rheumatoid arthritis From God So now she's drinking heavily

She's like I've fallen back into a lot of my old habits I'm like were they ever old I thought they've just been current When did you ever stand out of them exactly When were you not drinking heavily Don't blame your rheumatoid arthritis It's terrible what you're going through Okay blame it a little bit because I get that

You do have to drink to numb the pain. But also. Do they not have Oxy in East Hollywood? I mean. Yeah, you were drinking heavily before you had rheumatoid arthritis. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee.

What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking

about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August, 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad free on Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th.

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I was inhaling. I was waiting for something. I was like, ooh, this is going to be big. I'm like inhaling. You're like, I'm done. Sorry, I had a sudden onset of mouth yeah rheumatoid arthritis of course it sucks but of course somebody blaming all of their drinking and all of their cut fitnessy behavior on rheumatoid arthritis like come on

darling we've had such real diseases on this channel you're really gonna come up with your arthritis made you horrible no rheumatoid arthritis is totally real but um yeah i'm not calling her a faker i'm just saying to use it to be like a hateful you know alky who tries to stab people in the face it's they don't match you know so now gg and us are talking about jessica and everything and mike and all that stuff and gg's like i just still have so many unresolved feelings like what else is new when have you not had unresolved feelings when have you ever else is new? When have you not had unresolved feelings? When have you ever been able to resolve anything in your life?

The pain is so bad my brain can't function. Darling, I mean, I've watched five seasons of this. I know. It must be spreading to the audience. So they do this role play thing because Asa, Ever the Peacekeeper, is like, well, what's going to happen when you guys get together? Like, you can't just be like your stupid bitch and like try and cut her, you know? Okay, so look, let's pretend that I'm Jessica. So I'm like, hey, you're a bitch.

You're crazy. You know, you're stupid. You're dumb. You're a whore. She's like, whoa, Asa, calm down over there. And Gigi actually looked shocked. Like, she was surprised anyone would say that to her. Whoa.

And Gigi acts like she's above it now. She's like, I'm just going to say, I don't have time for this, okay? Because, like, I'm better than that. And Asa just kind of looks around the room like, no one's buying this, right? Everyone's sipping tea. And then something happens and Asa says, that's an omen right there. What happened? A dragonfly flew by. She's Asa says, that's an omen right there. What happened?

A dragonfly flew by. She's like, see, that's an omen. I think it was an omen for the dragonfly. Like, it wasn't an omen for them. It was like, oh, shit. If you're ever flying and you see a crazy bitch talking to another crazy bitch, you're going to plunge into a pool soon and drown. That dragonfly is going to get stabbed by its sister when it goes home.

Dragonfly is like, dragonfly is like, hey guys, I've got a great idea. Gigi's extensions for dragonflies. Like, oh no. All the dragonfly's family is like,

oh, there goes the family fortune. So next up we have Mozeiko, the wedding photographer. I don't know what it is about Middle Eastern culture that we always have a Mozeiko, the wedding photographer, who sits your ass down after a family wedding after you just paid the fucker $20,000 to take your pictures and then says this food photography book i got from the walmart is one thousand dollars plus five hundred dollars for the work i do like oh my god so stupid and then mike's talking about all the money that he had to spend on the wedding you know he's he's acting like he's saying like oh i had to spend all this money he just wanted to brag

because remember that scene like two seasons ago when he was poor and he went to that like poker night and everyone was rich and he couldn't spend any money so he's like yeah i just you know i had to spend a few hundred thousand a few hundred thousand there you know the flowers alone i spent this much spent that much and i i don't condone it i think it's excessive and ridiculous but i understand it's like he's keeping up with the joneses and the persian stuff like persian wedding stuff but then he's like and then i had to spend $10,000 on a tux. I had to spend $10,000. Okay, that's where I draw the line.

You did not have to spend $10,000. Not only did you not have to, you didn't. I mean, who do you think you're kidding? All they have to do is show three clips of that, and your ass gets everything for free. Yeah. Go to men's warehouse, get yourself a $ a 200 tux bring it to a tailor and you'll look like a million bucks okay yes have them change out the tag you're done i'm not really a mike hater um but he is so stupid poor thing i mean dude you're on bravo at least watch bravo

watch how kyle richards gets everything in her life for free if it's a car for her kid i don't care if it's a jag she will get that shit for free you put it on camera in her life for free. If it's a car for her kid, I don't care if it's a Jag, she will get that shit for free. You put it on camera, you get it for free. She'll be known as Fat Burger for the rest of her life, but she's also got a caterer for every party for the rest of her life. Yeah, you know, Mike's an interesting character. Believe it or not, as much as we talk shit about him, there are a lot of things I like about Mike a lot. I feel like in certain ways he has a really good perspective on the like the big picture about friends and family and like emotional things like that but then he's also really cocky and he's really insecure and he is

also a cheater and he can be really condescending to women so i don't like that um and i don't like this wedding video that they it was like a bad avicii video you know like oh they're video bullshit i can't believe i only wrote down wedding vid. That's crazy because this wedding video was insanity. I mean, it was like some, this, I believe cost $10,000,

you know? I mean, my niece could do it on her iPhone, but still, um, they went to the kill bill church. Did you notice that? You guys,

did you watch kill bill? Do you know how that shit ended in that church? I think it was a hidden message. It's like, look at Jessica's $10,000 shoes. The spike is coming down on gravel. Like close-up filter. The problem is that if you ever put Jessica into a yellow tracksuit, instead of going on a killing rampage,

you just spend the entire time being like, I can't believe I'm in this tracksuit. It looks so bad on me. I can't believe it. Oh, myuit. It looks so bad on me. I can't believe it. Oh, my God. It would be called Blame Bill. She just goes on a rampage of blaming everybody around her for her own fucking problems. Storming out of scenes.

The whole movie is 20 minutes long because she just leaves every scene. Lucy Liu is like, what did I do? Why are you blaming me? There's no beheadings. Daryl Hammett gets to keep her eye. The only thing she cuts is her own face over and over again. She gets mad that Vivica A. Fox doesn't give her a snack in her kitchen. Fine.

I learned Judaism for you, Vivica. I didn't ask you to do that. Vivica's like, wait a a second did you send a text from my phone and all hell breaks loose she goes with the game and just starts blaming we just killed the game brah so um then we have a scene reza asks asa to officiate his wedding because he decided that he wants to do a surprise ceremony in palm springs with the rationale being how great is it that if you want to get married and your man is like surprise here's the wedding yeah every what every bride wants for the husband to make every choice them not have a say in anything

including who's invited fucking reza he's so gross why would you marry reza that is the worst idea i've ever heard. Worst idea ever. He only wants to do it so that way he doesn't have to invite everyone in his family. Yeah, he doesn't have to invite anybody Adam doesn't want. Adam doesn't get to have the bright experience of picking out the silver, the location, any of that. He wants to keep all control. You cannot get married and keep all the control, fool.

Yeah, no. That's a terrible terrible idea reza you should know better which at least adam tells him off later in the season for it in his you know mommy way i didn't appreciate that you tell him buddy so now we go tour my favorite shirvin shirv the shirvinator i love shirvin um i really like like a nice douche bag i really like serving in his first season it's new i still like him but he's running into that thing where he's already hurting himself on tv for us and it kind of makes me not like him because i want him to be more confident. He's getting, first of all, his eyes

are saucers. His pupils are saucers. So he's obviously doing the coat. He's doing something weird because he did not have black saucer eyes. He looks like a cartoon character and his arms are too fucking big for this world, dude. Calm down. No such thing.

Man, he couldn't even take off his shirt. They're humongous. They're bigger than a tree trunk. So hot. The minute he stops working out, it's going to be just boob. It's going to be all boob. Listen, I'm not arguing with anything. Well, I am arguing with everything you said.

But here's the thing. I don't argue with the projection of Shervin's arc. He will probably be terrible by the end of the season. And by next season he will be all flab. I get it. But for right now, we have Shervin in a pristine state and I'm going to treasure Mr. Shervin. Yeah, I like him too.

And he's legit rich. He's legit rich. He seems like he's douchey, but he's sort of funny. Funny douchey, if that makes sense. I kind of am like, okay, yeah. You know what, Shervin? You do your douchebag thing because you're happy and you care about your friends so i'm on board with shirvin until he becomes awful which will probably be in about like two episodes and i hate being the guy who's like he's gay because that's so lame but on bravo there it happens a lot i mean

shirvin is living with that guy who's what is his cousin or who is that guy it's gg's cousin nema oh okay well i think the numerology and the name nema is gay because i know a gay guy named nema so there mystery solved i think i know a gay guy named nema also does he have salt and pepper hair yes he's a thinner guy i think middle eastern as well very cute nice yeah he's a friend of my friend i've met him a few times yeah he's a sweet guy my friend. I've met him a few times. Yeah, he's a sweet guy. I like him. We've met gay Nima, but we haven't met Shah's Nima. I'd met him catering like 10 years ago or something, like forever ago.

And he got fired because he was asking the people who owned the home for weed. I mean, you gotta love Nima. But this serving guy, okay, so he's living with this guy. They're both hot. They're not really gay acting, but they're gay-ish. Is that a Middle East thing?

What is it? It's the second season that they've been roommates. They're in a different house, but they're roommates still. And then Gigi's like, you look gay in that. She made some gay comment, and then they're like, oh, no, I'm not going to help him with this shirt because you said gay. And then they start acting all mortified by a gay comment, and then they're like, oh, no, I'm not going to help him with this shirt because you said gay. And then they start acting all mortified by a gay comment. I don't know. Thou doth protest too much tonight.

So Shervin is having a birthday party, and it's going to be a white – it's his 35th birthday. It's going to be a white party on a yacht. And so that's happening. And that – I'm just reading my note here. I don't understand what I wrote. We're the two in the group that are sort of in... Oh, so Shervin was talking about the people. And he was talking about how he really likes Gigi.

And he's like, Yeah, we're the two in the group that are sort of in the same boat. I'm like, Why would you ever lump yourself in the same category as Gigi? That is a terrible thing to do. He was just saying that they're both the two that are single i'm like i would never ever draw any comparison between gg well she's single because she stabs people you're single god god only knows why you're single i'm

glad you are and i hope you're gay because i could be in a relationship not because of his wealth i don't need your money but i'm gonna love the relationship of watching your muscle turn to fat right in front of my face and watch you become my bitch slowly but he'll be a good cuddler i bet he'd be a good cuddler he'll crush you you know how much that guy poops he probably breaks the toilet it's a lot of protein shake so it's time for the white party uh people are coming over to Asa's place To change and Reza dresses up Like a sheik Which is a nice call back to

Thailand when they had some sort of sheik Prank that they did Sheik, sheik, sheik I don't know I don't think anyone's ever called Reza sheik So well done I was surprised there was no Chevron pattern involved. And now,

so we're basically, eventually we sort of get to the yacht. Well, there was some issue. MJ has this dress. She's like pouring herself into it and then she's in the limo and they're stopping every five minutes. We stopped to pee.

We stopped to get drinks. We stopped to get food. We stopped to pee again. We stopped to stretch. It's taking forever food we stopped to pee again we stopped to stretch it's taking forever i mean that's so persian white people are like let's get there on time persian people are like let's stop at every road stop to pee and stuff and cut up dresses that's so persian and typical of a middle eastern party they're not even the late ones what's the best part other people were still arriving after them including bobby and asifa gross oh my god clear them already what do we have to do yeah yeah just please why are they

there oh god awful awful that's so true to form hey everybody let's do some fireball shots Oh god, of course Of course they're like doing the shot that no one likes It's the Vanderpump Rules mentality in 40 year olds Yeah, so they're all drinking They're all doing shots Everything is, you just know it's a disaster It's gonna be a disaster So they're all stuck on a boat

I wish Kate Chastain were there I wish this was somehow a crossover with Below Deck Because I would love to see Kate Chastain's bitchy reactions to all of them. Just sitting there with her flat face. Eye rolling in the back. Well, don't y'all want makeup?

Little Amy. What's the problem? You're both loving people. Hey, Shervin, I see they got you a red velvet cake. Oh, it's on the floor now. Shervin, where are you going? Come back. So Shervin arrives in his big flashy way on a helicopter.

Making Sharae Woodfield's dreams finally come true. Arriving via helicopter. All that was missing was a poet. Well, you've got Gigi. That's true. That's true. Arriving via helicopter. All that was missing was a poet. Well, you've got Gigi. That's true. I like how Mike's reaction was, whoa, that would be badass if that's him in that helicopter. Dope. Very, very

alpha, man. Very alpha. Shut up. By the way, did you notice that Mike was wearing a t-shirt that was whatever duel, you know, his golden penis? Yeah, his golden dick. Yeah. It's golden day. Oh, geez. Well, at least he's trying to make some money. Yeah.

You know, they used to call me when I was growing up because my name is Ronnie. As you know, by now, but Don Dooley in Arabic is a penis. They call it dual, but we call it a Don Dooley. And so they, my mom used to call me Ron Don Dooley. I want to get one of those shirts made up for myself she would love that yeah so gg is getting drunk no surprise and then we find out that asafa and gg have an issue we don't really know what the issue is but they have one of course because they always have an issue

um and then people are approaching gg about like are you gonna talk to jessica whatever and gg now is drunk she's like i don't know what her mom said is now she literally said burn set instead of mindset like this is gonna be bad she's starting to move into like weird medea talk i don want to do this in front of an audience, alright? I'm just doing this in front of my brother. I really don't want an audience. Just a camera to broadcast us to the rest of America.

Exactly. So Jessica comes down, Shervin makes him talk, and Jessica, Gigi, I have to say Gigi for Gigi was pretty good. She was like, I didn't even know what I was doing. I had zero control, Jessica. I didn't even want to be mean.

I'm sorry, Jessica. And she said sorry, I think, twice. And then Jessica's like, well, I want you to hear my side. I've never been more shocked in my life, even when I saw my third face. How could you? You were so mean. And you know what? What you say has zero relevance in my life because I'm married now, okay? So you? Like, you were so mean. And you know what? What you say has zero relevance

in my life because I'm married now, okay? So you can say whatever you want. And she's just like, I'm so sorry. And Jessica does this whole thing where she's like, you know, like, I walked in and then all of a sudden I become the bitch and not Mike. Well, I'm like, that's because you acted like a bitch.

You went crazy and then you started getting mad at all the women and all the friends you did the classic girl thing which is you attacked the girl instead of saying to your man what the fuck that's the problem so you were at you the reason why you became a bitch is because you acted like the bitch yeah i mean in that situation gg was the bitch but jessica definitely became the bitch that season and i love that she's just acting like it's someone else's fault that she's a bitch and then reza and them are drunk too and they come down they're like gg and she goes ah thanks a lot for ruining my talk like i wonder why people think that you're

a bitch no jessica said that oh yeah but the gg was like oh there's an audience i'm like gg why don't you say hey guys we're having a really good conversation can you leave us alone for another 10 minutes that's all she had to say but I'm going to call my periscope to complain about there being an audience. So now Gigi is wasted. And Shervin is talking about how he wants everyone to be happy. Because, you know, Shervin's a good egg. For now.

And so, then they bring out a big cake for this birthday toast. And you know immediately these are the shots. You know that cake is the one thing that will never get eaten is a cake. Because it's going to get thrown with these fools. And you know immediately, these are the shots. You know that cake is, the one thing that will never get eaten is a cake because it's going to get thrown with these fools.

And then eaten by MJ off the floor. So sure enough, Reza throws some red velvet cake, which actually we also knew because there was a shot of Mike earlier with red all over his white outfit. So we knew something was up. So Reza's like,

I'm going to throw some red velvet cake. Isn't this funny i'm 40 and um he like he throws it and like a little bit of it gets on asifa's uh three thousand dollar dress she's like oh my god babe first the best part she goes babe like she's automatically ready to blame bobby her instinct was and then she's like why would you do that this is like a three thousand dollar dress i'm like it's your fault that you brought a three thousand dollar white dress to a shah's party for tv oh no kidding darling i mean you could sit down and get something on that dress yeah it's your fault no one wears a three thousand dollar dress

on the shah's you stupid and then she can't yell at reza because she knows that reza will just bitch slap her you know with words but still so then gg gg gets some of the cake from the reza through and then throws it at us she's just no she's just standing there someone else like throws like some and she turns around this is it was textbook first grade fight she uh she's like gg why would you do that don't throw cake at me why would you do that oh my god and she gets all mad so wait gg didn't even throw the cake no oh that's amazing i didn't catch that no she didn't and so then it's like then they're fighting and everyone starts to pull like everyone starts to pull them back so then asafa her big thing is that she walks by gg and she takes like a little dollop, a little dollop,

and she rubs it on Gigi's shoulder and gives her this look like, there, now I got cake on you too. Not even on her dress. So stupid. So Gigi just takes it, just throws it in Asifa's hair and like punches her

in the back of the head. Yes. And then they just start fighting and the best part, my favorite part, they start fighting and MJ gets up on a table and takes the entire cake and just throws it at them.

She's like, I've been waiting my whole life for this moment. Throws. Doesn't take a slice. She's like, okay, great. Take the cake. Throwing it. And then eats the clump in her hands. So fucking funny.

And I also like when Gigi is wasted. And she's like, whatever. is wasted. She goes, whatever. Girl, bye. Girl, bye. And then they cut to her eating sliders. Genius. And then coming this year, coming up this year on Shots of Sunset, sunset reza there's something going on with gg so i guess he found it our guest last season was that they were going to go for also this

year because every year they betray another friend usually reza uh reza leads a betrayal of another friend but uh we thought it was going to be awesome but i guess they're just going back to gg they'll just cycle she makes it easy she really does she makes it easy easy for you like a drunk sad toyota who never even had the hand strength to throw that cake in the first place god bless her at the end she's a victim she's like a rav4 you know not really not really useful not really all terrain normally knows what to do with it not big enough not small enough just sort of there the little plastic pieces on the side keep falling off and you just keep getting them back on and having another drink toyota and yet she somehow survives here with minimal upkeep. So outlast them all, just like a true Toyota.

Yeah. Oh, my God. She's not even the one that holds the most gas. Sorry, MJ. All right. So next up is the... Let's go make a reunion. Oh, wait.

Should we clear the phlegm? We almost forgot to clear the phlegm. Irma Gersh, do it. Oh, my goodness. How lucky are you to have me teach you about me. You are the phlegm. Sometimes we get

so wrapped up in these shows, we forget the important things in life, which is making fun of Caroline. I am going to discard an Instagram photo I was working on, just so I can look up Caroline Fleming's latest whatever. oh my god that's some giving so for those of you who don't know what this is caroline fleming is from ladies

of london she's cuckoo bird and she has one of the most obnoxious instagrams of all time and it's fun to make fun of it yeah um i'm trying to find a good let's see here's a green pond i'm gonna do this one with her kissing a goat. I think it's her kid kissing a goat. Oh, I thought it was her. Gosh, she's so thin. Yeah. Well, it's her kid kissing a goat on the mouth.

And she says, they bow, I bow. Heart, heart, heart. Hashtag Nara. Hashtag Japan. Hashtag dear. Hashtag cock. She's been on this Asian vacation and so she was in Thailand at one point and there's a lovely picture of her and her son um and they

are uh next to like a monkey and so um this is what they're she and her son are smiling at the camera and the monkey is like hanging on to this cage trying to get at them while they're smiling as if like they're not in danger well they aren't aren't in danger. So it's just funny because the monkey's angry. Maybe it's not angry, but either way, this is the caption. We are in a cage

made especially for feeding these amazing hashtag snow monkeys, hashtag apples, hashtag banana, and hashtag peanuts. In heaven, the monkeys hang and put their little hands

through the holes to gentle take the food dot dot dot dot dot remarkable hashtag nature hashtag reserve hashtag japan i love that she didn't hashtag heaven i mean out of all the shit you just hashtagged people probably actually search heaven we got questions i guess she's in japan not uh thailand oh wait there's one with donald duck oh i need some donald duckness i found one of her at the hotel she's in Japan, not Thailand. Oh, wait, there's one with Donald Duck. Oh, I need some Donald Duck-ness. I found one of her at the hotel she's staying at, and it's all in whatever language.

Give hope, met hope, and talking to you for the whole month of heart. But I'm just bringing it up because she's holding a piece of paper in front of her with the logo on it, and at the end she goes, Help give hope by buying a hope share i ask you all for your support and thank you from my heart to buy a share what are you selling shares of on the instagram hashtag share hashtag share hashtag monkey Hashtag monkey. Hashtag monkey penis in my child's face. But not heaven. How lucky are we to be in a cage while a monkey wants to kill us? I don't know what they did to her eyebrows, but something happened in Asia. Her eyebrows are weird.

Wow. Hashtag eyebrow. Hashtag mystery. Hashtag hallway. We must get Insta picture of kids in hallway of airline. Hashtag eyebrow. Hashtag mystery. Hashtag hallway. We must get Insta picture of kids in hallway of airline. Hashtag Tokyo. Hashtag Japan. Here we come excited beyond. Exclamation point.

Exclamation point. Exclamation point. Exclamation point. Exclamation point. Ex space. Ex space. Ex. Weird.

How lucky are you, Japan, to have me visit you? Oh, Lord. We did it. We cleared the flam. Clear the flam. Clear her. Cleared. All right.

Why don't we go on to the Real Housewives of Potomac reunion. Let us do it, shall we? Yes. Okay. Now, this one, I hand wrote some notes because I was trying to eat a sandwich while I watched this. May not make a whole lot of sense. I have to say, by the way, the women all look better without their makeup on. And their little pre-reunion, like, getting ready, getting ready for for the big showdown i thought they looked great without their makeup just a general general

just a general i feel like this was um kind of a reunion of people from a i don't know preschool ice skating class or like a toddlers and tiaras thing where they're all trying to wear their original dresses from toddlers and tiaras season one but now it's like 10 years later and like why are you all wearing glitter that doesn't fit why it was basically like a sequined reunion meaning every sequin in the world was reuniting on this stage because it was nothing but sparkles anyone with what's that disease that you can't see flashing lights they always warn you before you go into a theme park right epilepsy yeah they're all dead now so congratulations for tomic i just wrote robin is wearing a mop on her head from whatever local school she's been hired to clean the halls of i wrote that robin is wearing crazy nurse nan hair

she was basically like i want my fashion muse to be be Kathy Moriarty in Soap Dish for today. She was. Like, all that was missing was a black dress with weird red flaps in it. You know, she could actually also be the woman from Married to the Mob. What was that lady's name? Michelle Pfeiffer? No, the one who is like the evil one. She's like, I'm getting up.

Open the plane door. And I'm like, no, ma'am. You i'm getting up open the plane door and they're like no ma'am you you have to stay seated until the plane is completely stopped she's like damn it now open the door and then she falls over because the plane oh my god um also katie i'm sorry katie is beautiful but her makeup isn't me did her makeup look a little messed up? It was like weird, gray, chunky, unblended things. She looked like she got beaten up. Is that just me? No pun intended. It's what Erica did last week on Beverly Hills.

It's that kind of glamorous Hamburglar makeup. It was like over-contoured. It was strange. I was like, she's too pretty to have bad makeup. She's like, is my eye makeup black enough for you? Katie was having her moment this reunion. She was really like, you know what? I don't give a fuck about any of you guys.

I'm just going to say what I want to say. And that's that. She was pretty hilarious. I'm younger than you are. I'm prettier than you are. I have more upside. And y'all are just crazy bitches. So I'm just saying it to your face.

So good for you, Katie. Andy's reaction to these women was kind of sad andy was looking at them kind of like oddities he didn't quite understand i don't even know if he watched the show because well first of all i think he has a sty in his eye he has like some pink thing on his eye and he just looked tired he's like do i really have to do this and he was his opening thing usually it's like charise look at your new boobs you know but this time he's like charise look you're a person on a street and a person you're the word on the street he's like just repeating their opening lines yeah

no poor charise you know i i felt like Charisse was almost wearing the gray-blue version of Countess Luanne's awful teal number that she wore at the reunion last season, which is funny because we just mentioned that on the bonus episode. It had that same sort of like cheap, glittery, thin look to it. Now, I'm not a fashion guy. I really don't know what I'm talking about half the time, but I felt like it looked cheap. Well, it's Potomac Dunning. Yeah, that's true. So his first question

was hey guys um so you've kind of been on tv-ish um what are people's reaction to you in real life this cracked me up because sharice is like they were mean to me like they were they were like dissing me as a person yeah because you were fucking terrible we couldn't even diss you on everything else because your personality was that bad yeah she's like i saw a commercial late at night for a chair that goes up the staircase i thought that was so rude why would they make fun of me like that you know i hate having people come up the stairs why would they do that karen was like they were attacking my looks i mean mean, how ignorant. Look at this.

It's a mole, okay? It's called a beauty mark. Some of us are lucky enough to have them. By the way, I loved how Karen and Ashley had the exact same hair. For all of Ashley's saying, I don't really need Karen. I don't need her at all. It's like, no, you have the same hair, actually. Karen was, like, deranged, by the way.

She was trying so hard to seem laid back that she was just, like, over-laughing to like so karen we heard that someone in your family died that's just what you heard baby but i don't care karen no that was that was a sad thing that we just said that's kind of her on this whole show one minute she's trying to be like above it all and then the next minute she's trying to be the baddest ass you know chola on the street yeah make up your mind lady and she was vacillating so quickly between these two in the reunion i was laughing my ass off at her yeah and well and it was funny when andy was pressing karen about her charity event and you know katie was like yeah it was a podunk shit show i mean she's like it was a lovely cocktail party but it was not a gala and I was like well no you just don't understand this the O gala it was just to start the O

gala and then like well when's that gonna be she's like in two years is this the Olympics is she actually doing the Olympics at this point and then she actually said wait what was she saying as far as this gala goes oh yeah she's like the way that you were speaking about the Alzheimer's gala,

you owe an apology to everyone out there with Alzheimer's. What? Katie's like, no, I don't. It's so funny to see because Katie started off the season as just this, like, ditzy, like, I want to get married. And she just was saying the stupidest things. And now she's like, she's gone through war and she's been hardened and now she's like fuck it i'm not apologizing to people with alzheimer's yes and andy's like well karen don't you think it's a little bit

hypocritical of you uh going on and on about this charity when or something like you're going on and on about this charity when, or something like you're going on and on about manners when you're from a farm, and she's like, well, I mean, I'm from a farm, but let's not make any mistake about it. It's not like I was milking the cows. I mean, we had a lot of eye candy on our farm. Listen,

when I said I'm from a farm, I meant I come from a family that sells ant farms, that's all. But you called me a stray. No, I didn't. I said that I don't take in strays. Well, that's calling me a stray. No, it's not. Yes, it is.

I called you an ashtray. That's what I called you. It's Ashley means a stray. Ashtray. Get it? Oh, good. And then Cherisse weighs in. She's like, I don't see Karen on charity circuits at all.

And I do a lot of charity work. Shut up, Charisse. And then Robin. That charity event was a waste of our important time. We've got time. It's valuable. Like, what, do you have to take off a lunch? Get out of here.

By the way, we didn't mention the fact that Katie Is not engaged and the day before She returned her ring to Andrew So we'll see what's going on with that And everyone's like Why'd you return it idiot Well Probably he was embarrassed by the show

I imagine And probably all his friends were like why are you on this stupid show And he was like yeah why am I on this show and i don't even want to get married i don't even like women i hate the room that you redid there i said it get out she's like i'm taking this mrs placard i put on the door andrew that's fine i'm bringing the bow flex out of the basement then uh let's see karen wandering i saw andy was making fun of karen for having eye candy everywhere which was hilarious uh andy asked a question which i thought had had to be an illusion to our podcast he's like why did the appliances and features in your kitchen not

reflect your socioeconomic status yeah i don't think that Andy listens to this podcast, but I think whoever works for him does. Because he went from, okay, what about all the eye candy to your kitchens are disgusting and people are commenting. So what say you? And she's like, well, my kitchen is my, what did she say? I can't read my own writing. I wrote my kitchen is my blog. Why did I write that? I think she said something like it's probably like my own business. I wrote, my kitchen is my blog. Why did I write that? I think she said something like, it's probably like my own business.

Oh, it's my business. Whatever. She's like, my kitchen is like the beauty mark of my house, all right? And Giselle's like, well, my kitchen is just for me and my children. And Katie goes, yeah, the kitchen that you were renting. Katie was going in. Although Katie was also a little full of bullshit because at one point saying something about like nasty things and katie's like i don't say nasty things about people yeah i don't talk

about people's back how dare you okay you do you do darling we're liking you katie we're liking the side of you but you know we got you know well we gotta hate you too it's the only way to be a housewife girl that's right um when oh go ahead i was just gonna say that giselle was trying like she kept trying and katie just kept shutting her up which was beautiful because i mean i hate giselle so when giselle start andy's like so what do you think about being the word on the street and she goes must be a small street that was charise yeah that was funny i was like good for youice. You made a funny line. Yeah.

You know, I think Giselle is hilarious in all her craziness. But even I have to admit, Giselle did not fare well in this reunion. She was like, it's like she showed up to a presidential debate unprepared. Yes. She just, everything. At one point, they were talking about Baltimore or something like that. And Katie was like, she was like, by the way, there was no ticker tape parade for Giselle when she came back to Potomac. And Giselle goes, yes, there was. Come on, Giselle.

You just can't take no accountability. Like, you can't even hold this story. I think Giselle was shocked that she looked like such an asshole on tv i think she's one of those people who's always been like funny because at first i liked her too i thought oh she's funny this and that but then when i just i think that people have reacted to her in a way that she wasn't prepared for and she's showing up trying to act like she's above it all but she kind of started it all and she can't she can't just sit there but she's doing up trying to act like she's above it all but she kind of started it all and she can't she can't just sit there but she's doing it but it's still not going to work and then they

went after something about her they they started the the um black fight basically like who's blacker fight by saying well you know you're mean about, but then you've got green contacts and blonde hair or something. And she's like, these eyes are real, and this hair is not processed. And they did a close-up on her roots, which, God bless you, Bravo. So funny. No, I do sometimes think, though, that Giselle's humor is lost. Sort of like what happened with Camille Grammer. Remember, Camille Grammer was saying these things that she thought were funny season one and then people hated her.

I do kind of think that's what's happening with Giselle too. You have to know your audience. You have to know how you're going to be edited. At one point... But she was an asshole in season one. Camille was awful. I'm not saying... I mean, Giselle has been an asshole. I just still think she's so...

I laugh at all her jokes. I'm just saying it's just very funny watching her try and eat humble pie but she just can't i just i mean i think that karen and giselle are both assholes but they crack me up and so you know i'm laughing so i'm enjoying it yeah it works for me sort of like what you always say about atlanta how they make you laugh all the time you know just phaedra's like that for me i think phaedra is one of the worst like as far as bad shit she's done and hides hides or covers um but she gets away with it with me i think she's hilarious so i get it and then giselle got in trouble about ash's hair

which i didn't i didn't hear about this but when when giselle was like i just see a bush coming at me and then they're like isn't that like you you are shaming her for her hair or whatever? I was actually, believe it or not, maybe I'm not in a place to say this because I'm a white man, but I was sort of on Giselle's I felt like I was on Giselle's side where she was like, look, I wasn't making fun of her hair. I was just saying, her hair is

big. And I saw it was like all coming at me. I just saw a big bush coming at me. Every fight they're trying to make into this big victim-y fight. And and it's hilarious and this was no different she's and he's like well a lot of african-american women were upset because you made fun of her fro and she's like yeah that was really demeaning the african-american women how could you that was an awful thing for you to do to the entire community she's like your hair was big okay it was huge there i said it and then it and

then ashley just keeps screaming and she's going it's a moot point it's a moot point and sharice goes it's mute it's me andy it was a it's me and then andy just looks at her and he has this look on his face like oh sweetie and he's like wants to correct charise he's like not worth it not worth it he just shook his thigh back and forth that was to me the best part charise saying it's mute oh don't forget um karen's yes did you oh god karen had another word what was it i'll come upon it when we get there. Was it appropriate? No, when she was saying,

you faker than a $10 bill. And I'm like, no, it's a $3 bill. And she goes, yeah, well, that was a fraudulent slip. Yeah. Oh, darling. And also Karen said at one point she was, I forget the context of all my notes, but at one point she was like,

who is Andrew with the missing digit? Oh, that's when they showed the clips of Andrew making fun of Karen point she was like, who is Andrew with the missing digit? Oh, that's when they show the clips of Andrew making fun of Karen. And she goes, who is Andrew with the missing digit? Making fun of the fact that he lost a finger. I was like, ouch. You owe an apology to all of the people missing digits. How dare you? Let's see.

Poor mom. Blah, blah. Moot point. Guy. Beach's see. Poor mom. Blah, blah. Moot point. Guy. Beach. AC. Woody Wood. Okay, so they got in a fight about hair conditioning.

Then the crab boil. The center seat. The hairdresser. Okay. This was good to me. A lot of people were really upset on the old internet when you called the hairdresser the help. And then Giselle's like, how dare you? I would never call someone who works for me the help.

And then Robin jumps in. Don't you know how offensive it is to working people to be called the help? You owe an apology to working people. And Karen wouldn't, by the way. Are you having a vape issue over there? I'm just straight up laughing.

They're all demanding apologies for the dumbest shit. I know. It's so dumb. I mean, Karen was making I mean, the whole point of saying the help was she was making she was she was trying to be offensive because she didn't like that guy, Cal. He was the help. I've never heard people with jobs complain about being called to help. And I've been the help for years. Well, no, I mean, obviously it's like condescending to call someone the help. But the point was that Karen was trying to be condescending at that moment because she didn't like what Cal was doing. And she was trying to be funny. And it was a funny remark in its condescending awfulness and giselle telling her oh and then you're saying that he's like abusing you and she goes well he did this to my arm did you see him do this and she goes yeah he was checking for uh muscles because he was calling you a man that was the point like that's so much better oh thanks for

clearing that up they're all full of so much bullshit and camera starts talking about how she used to work at a taco bell i'm not against the. My first job was working for a Burger King and a Taco Bell. I only work for royalty. And then someone said, what, were you on the headset? She's like, yes, I was. And I said, oh, they didn't have headsets back then. How dare you? You owe an apology to every senior citizen in a headset.

You owe an apology to Cisco Systems, ma'am. Oh, good. So the birthday scene. We found out, by the way, that the Ponzi guy killed himself, which is crazy. I'm sorry to laugh, but just the way she's telling the story, she's like, well, yeah, people didn't understand why i was so upset but like it was our friend and then like when he got caught he felt so bad he jumped off a bridge this story please stop telling the story because i can't feel sorry for him but i also can't feel sorry for you and i actually don't have any hate for robin at all i kind of like robin i feel i

feel sorry for her i don't is. Is that weird? She got scammed and she lost a best friend and he committed suicide. I know. I know that I should. Hearing you say it like that, I know that I should feel it but I just can't. I've felt nothing. So then

we get to a part where Katie is trying to bust Giselle on being a gossip, which is true. Giselle is a gossip. But my problem this was that katie was using the worst evidence her evidence for giselle being a gossip was that giselle was reading katie's blog it's like well katie you wrote that blog you published it that's not reading that blog in front of you is not being a gossip like use any other evidence you have mounds of it don't do that one not on the reunion yeah well katie ain't known for her brains that's for sure yeah that was kind of a stupid fight and then um i have one humongous question about this show does andy have like gigantic bushes of ear hair coming

out or is that because i know that he's like anti-botox which i respect i like it um i like seeing a forehead wrinkle it's's weird, especially on a man. But is there a bunch of ear hair coming out of his ear, or is that like some kind of piece that he's wearing in there? Please somebody tell me. There's an ear piece in there. Okay, but it looked really hairy, though. Well, there could be both.

It could be an ear piece that's like enmeshed in ear hair. I get not Botoxing, but, you know, scissors, shave, shave it. Yeah, don't even fix that know if that's what it is um so then we got in the the show kind of i mean there's other there was a lot of other things going on i wrote two five yeah it got into the whole thing about black and white and biracial and uh they were trying to talk about katie kept on – she basically was poking at Robin. She was like, you won't admit you're biracial, whatever. And Robin's like, shut up. Oh, yeah.

Robin's like, there's one thing I have to say. She goes, what? You're going to admit that you're not biracial or you're going to admit that you're biracial? Shut up! Oh, I really need to get security over there. But also another – oh, sorry, Ben. I was just going to say, I mean, I feel like Robin is actually pretty level-headed, and I don't think she's that mean compared to the others.

I thought Katie should have just let her say her shit. I know Katie's mad, and she's on a rampage, and she's having her moment, which is great. We need her to be like that. But let poor Robin speak. Robin does not bother me in the same way that giselle does even though they were in the same conversations because i don't feel like robin has a mean-spirited way about her and i think that i think that giselle does and so robin doesn't bug me as much giselle was still poking in other ways she's like well something you didn't see on

camera they cut it but she was giving a speech um talking about being jewish and said something really demeaning about black people about being black and she's like what the fuck are you even talking about that never happened this argument massively she should have just said i was with everything with the thought stuff and this she should have just been like i'm just joking or i'm cute i don't don't know. There's so many ways that Giselle could have clarified the situation or gotten out of it, and she just held on to her line, and she lost. Yeah, when you're looking like an asshole, and you know you have a season two,

don't be blaming editors for things, because they will show you their power next season. But I still think Giselle and Karen are funny, and I like bitchy katie so you know there we go i'm excited i had fun it was a fun reunion for sure it was fun i like the season i felt like the season ended at the right time it was for me it was just starting to get a little stale i think it was cut off at the right time um i think there's potential i know a lot of people didn't like the season but but I enjoyed it.

Well, there you have it. The end of Reunion Part 1. Next week, we'll have Reunion Part 2. For those of you wondering where the hell Southern Charm is, that will be on Thursday podcast from now on because we have to split all this shit up. Yes, it'll be Southern Charm and New York and Beverly Hills on Thursday. Yes.

Thank you, everybody, for listening. WatchWhatCrappens.com for our links. Patreon.com slash WatchWhatCrappens if you want our bonus episode about the Thrillist ranking of all the housewives. And everything else, go to Facebook.com slash WatchWhatCrappens and talk with us during the week. We love you guys. Thanks for everything you do for us. We will talk to you next time. Sounds great.

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