Watch What Crappens - #286: Don't Have a Skinny Cow, Man

Starting point is 00:00:00 From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

Starting point is 00:00:48 Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch and talk about and laugh about and make fun of i'm ben mandelker from b-side blog.com and the banter blender podcast and joining me is the lovely and cherubic and always hilarious ronnie carom from trash talk tv.com hi ronnie well hello ben how are you doing today good i'm not called cherubic often so i'm down yeah you're down for the down for the cherub comparison. Here, chain-smoking, bitter little cherub. You know, there is so much happening. This podcast is happening in a whirlwind of news because it's April 21st, and Prince just died. He literally just died before our podcast, just trying to get it together.

Starting point is 00:01:40 Prince! Poor Prince. We don't even know how he died, and he was only 57. What the hell? What the only 57 What the hell What the hell What the hell Well you know what though But I don't want that to overshadow The real news of the day

Starting point is 00:01:53 Which is that Ronnie today Is Patti LuPone's birthday No it is not Don't tell me that It is I can't believe I didn't know. If I had known, I would have woken up and just started patty-laponing this shit all day. Had it out of my system.

Starting point is 00:02:15 This is your fault for whatever happens. You know, she's furious right now. She's ready to bust out the birthday cake with the candles. And she's like, what? Prince died. That's my version of your version have to happen on my birthday prince oh this reminds me i used to sing under the cherry tree what was that song that was a movie i think or album under the cherry under

Starting point is 00:02:38 the cherry tree oh prince gosh i remember meeting Prince What an artist Little red corvette Oh man So much So much is happening But we really are only concerned with Bravo So that was our moment of national morning Slash national celebration for Patty

Starting point is 00:02:59 And now we are back to the Bravo business Go to facebook.com Forward slash watch more crappins to get all involved up in our facebook page a lot of stuff going on there so many funny comments you can you know access old episodes see gossip everyone has like posted in triplicate and quadruplicate stories of jim marchese being arrested and thrown off a plane for putting his hand on Amber's throat. Of course, they're from a real house in New Jersey. So strangling Amber on a Southwest flight or some shit. Yeah, I think it was Virgin.

Starting point is 00:03:35 But it was I think, you know, I think they said it was domestic abuse. But we just know that they just wanted to maintain their brand as an airplane. They're like, we just cannot have these two on here. Let's just say he attacked her. He's disgusting. Just get them off of here. Yes. So we've had many people post that story.

Starting point is 00:03:54 If you want all the details, you can go there, read that there. Patreon.com forward slash Watch Where Crap Ends is where you can support us and get get access to our bonus episode we had a really weird one this week where we just sort of we had talked about going to coachella and we talked about morris the cat uh so it was really fun and of course if you go to watch your crappins.com you get access to all our social media so uh if you want to follow us on twitter and you should um you just go there and you find all our handles and all that fun stuff. Well, there you go. There you go. We did it all. That one's done.

Starting point is 00:04:30 You know what, though? Even more important than any of that, you know what's even more important? Your mother. Your mother. Listen, I don't know about any of you, but some of you have moms who probably work very hard these are moms

Starting point is 00:04:46 who had to beg and cry and plead for their baby daddy to co-sign on mansions with them okay and those women work hard okay those are women that go to polo matches and aren't told that there'll be other people there and then have to deal with it and then have to drive away okay and that's hard so you know you should get them in return? Some flowers. And on the card, you should write, polo games have a lot of people playing them. Stupid.

Starting point is 00:05:14 Dear mom, you're an idiot. Here's how sports work. Vuk's flowers are grown at eco-friendly farms on the side of a volcano. Eight volcano. Seriously? The blooms are larger. Colors are more vibrant. Yeah, it's actually better soil

Starting point is 00:05:28 and more sun at a lofty 10,000 feet thing. And by the way, this is because Mother's Day is coming up. We didn't just have a rant about mothers for no reason. Mother's Day is coming up and you should get flowers, okay? Especially ones that have grown on a volcano with good soil. Yes, and you can get those at books.com today

Starting point is 00:05:44 because if you wait until the last second, you get second-rate flowers. Thomas, don't give me second-rate flowers. I don't deserve this, Thomas. Your mom, and perhaps even Catherine, know second-rate flowers. They're the crappy ones that come from a massive online outlet or the limp ones snuggled next to the green onions at the grocery store. Gorgeous flowers from the Boots really do say do say, thanks mom for all you do. So what's all this gorgeousness cost? Not much.

Starting point is 00:06:11 Books prices start at a mere 40 bucks. No up charges, no extra fees. Even delivery is absolutely free when you register with the books. Listeners of our show save 20% off the bouquet of your choice. Just go to books.com and enter promo code watch that's b-o-u-q-s.com promo code watch boots.com promo cod watch do it it's a promo cod watch yeah it's like a little fish that swims by promo cod watch well by the way ronnie i want to give an update that today I managed to grab a nice large Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee.

Starting point is 00:06:48 So I am good to go. Holler! So let's open up the Krappens mailbag. Shut why don't we? What's the name? I love how our Krappens mailbag theme makes no sense support my journey i'm so mad at yolanda and we'll get into that but i'm mad at her because she really she really screwed me over but anyway um okay Okay. So Kenneth Curtis asks.

Starting point is 00:07:28 We have a lot of questions. There were a bunch we didn't get to the other day. And then there's still more that came in. So Kenneth Curtis asks, would you rather have a threesome with Kim Richards and Ramona Singer or have Cheetos cheese on your fingers for the rest of your life? Oh, my God. Cheetos cheese. I mean, I've got mucky hands anyway. I've always leave handprints every place I go.

Starting point is 00:07:49 I've got disgusting, gross monster hands. So I'll take the Cheeto fingers. Thank you. First of all, there's very little difference between the two scenarios, okay? But I would do the Kim Richards Ramona singer. You would? Yes.

Starting point is 00:08:04 But what if you couldn't get a boner would it still be considered a threesome um yeah because we would try you know first of all kim would pass out and ramona would spend the entire time first of all i'd get a free massage from ramona and then she'd just talk about herself yeah except she doesn't even massage you she'd just poke she'd just poke your chest she'd just poke and put oil and then apologize i'm sorry i'm sorry okay i should give you a proper threesome okay but i didn't and i'm sorry about that it's not the right time and place i would rather the cheetos because if i do the threesome i don't think i would ever be able to stomach cheetos again so it's like how important are cheetos

Starting point is 00:08:43 pretty important i ietos? I would really not like having little Cheeto paw prints everywhere from my fingers. Imagine if we someday receive a Presidential Medal of Freedom for our work and contributions to the podcast world.

Starting point is 00:08:59 You mean when? When. And we have to go and shake our future president's hands with cheetos on our fingers that's just not right well you know they'd be they'd be proud of us i think they'd be like you know what you made the right choice well we could just wear little gloves everywhere like um anna paquin in x-men i can't because i have disgusting hands so if i wear gloves then stuff will be coming out my gloves i'll have cheeto like juice coming out of my gloves. Gross. I think it's a great occasion to wear little white dainty gloves

Starting point is 00:09:27 and look like an old lady from England. Hey, I ain't got gloves on, you stupid, awful slut. Like Kim would get like she got in that limo with Rinna. You idiot slut. I take it back. I want the Cheeto fingers because I'm going to put on gloves.

Starting point is 00:09:44 Now you're on gloves. You're into gloves. Yeah. Isotoners. Erica Wall says, Hi, guys. My friend Molly, which should be the name of a new sitcom on CBS, but my friend Molly, avid Watch for Crap and fan and fellow Patreon patron,

Starting point is 00:10:02 is having a rough week. Oh, sorry, Molly. To cheer her up, can you please indulge us with Bethany giving Yolanda a good read on how terrible she is and how much she is failing in her branding of da limes. Okay. Okay.

Starting point is 00:10:17 What's wrong with you? You sick? What is it, lime? That's not a disease. It's like something you put in a drink. What is this, the lime? It's crazy. She's saying the lime. What is this? What is that disease? You tired? Who's not tired? I run disease it's like something you put in a drink what is this the lime it's just it's the crazy she's saying the lime what is this what is that disease you're tired who's not tired i run an empire you run an empire you haven't walked in a week yeah i i don't get it i don't get it like i like you're like awake one moment then you're just like asleep like it's like it's limes but like i don't that's like that's like a citrus it's like a flavor like i don't understand why your disease like it's like you can't eat the disease like you can't

Starting point is 00:10:43 taste the disease like i don't i don't get it like i don't want like it your disease like it's like you can't eat the disease like you can't taste disease Like I don't I don't get it like I don't want like it's like it's like lime like everything I hear is just lime lime lime like it sometimes. I want lemon. Okay, like I just can't have all these things like five alive Okay, you know what? I'm alive. I'm five five five years. I've been alive. God bless you Okay, you know what my wall is up if I have to hear about the lime anymore my wall is up I'll be on the floor crying right now seriously enough You want to talk about like I mean, what is that? You want people to have that? You need to brand it properly. I mean, one minute you're on the Instagram, you know, like you're in a pool in a bikini. Like, you know, you want people to think, like, it's cancer.

Starting point is 00:11:12 I'm dying. I don't see people with cancer in pools and bikinis, like, leaning up against a palm tree. What is that? What is that? What are you doing? Like, is this a palm tree commercial or is it a dying person commercial? Like, I don't even know whether I should like this post because I don't even know what I'm liking. And if you don't know

Starting point is 00:11:25 what you're liking, you double tap on something and before you know it, you've got the longest divorce of all time. You know what I mean? What's the matter? You have the lines?

Starting point is 00:11:33 Yeah, like, what does this make, like this Instagram? Like, I don't see it. Like, I don't get it. Like, I don't know where it goes. Like, I want to, like, understand this Instagram,

Starting point is 00:11:41 but, like, I'm homeless. Like, I don't get it. I can't, I live in a box, but I'm boxing people out, apparently, and I have to hear about boxes from Kristen one more time. It's like, it this Instagram, but, like, I'm homeless. Like, I don't get it. I can't, I live in a box, but I'm boxing people out, apparently. And if I have to hear about boxes from Kristen one more time, it's like, it's like, enough, okay? It's like, you're gross. It's disgusting. It's like, you're drunk all the time, Yolanda.

Starting point is 00:11:52 Like, you're just, like, drunk and insulting. And this is what you do. You're just proving me exactly right. Everything I've said, you just proved exactly right. Like, if I have to see her again, if I have to see you, if I have to see Yolanda and John again, like, it's enough. Like, too much partying. Like, it's too much. I don't get it.

Starting point is 00:12:04 It's like, I'm on the floor.'m crying like literally kill me now like take a knife and stab it through my neck right now like i've had enough i'm done i'm over what is this the bethany what is this what is this word the beth and who's in housing my daughter mother her argument to everything just put up a picture from gg on vogue so betsy md asks hello my lovelies most forgettable housewives from any locale oh the irony that i ask you to remember thanks for reading my question twice a few weeks back love love love love you it's okay betsy we'll read your questions over and over and over again because we love love love you too uh the most forgettable housewives ever that is a bad one

Starting point is 00:12:46 because how the hell are we going to remember that um i think a good argument could be made for quinn from oc yeah i really don't even remember that one yeah i would uh the only reason why i'm actually even bringing up quinn is because i actually found a picture of uh me with quinn last night i'm like oh yeah take a picture with quinn you should instant be like hey we just voted you the most forgettable housewife of all time picture of me with Quinn last night. I'm like, oh yeah, take a picture with Quinn. You should instant be like, hey, we just voted you the most forgettable housewife of all time. Oh yeah, I'm totally going to put that picture on Throwback Thursday.

Starting point is 00:13:13 Me and Quinn and Gina Keough. TBT, y'all. Quinn, I think, is a good one. I think Cindy Barshop is also good, too. You know who else is very forgettable? That one from Miami. Even though she didn't pay to go to the event and she had to be invoiced invoicer christy i realize like if i saw if she walked into my house right now i was like hi i'm christy i would say who like i wouldn't even

Starting point is 00:13:37 recognize her i wouldn't be able to put a face to the name all i remember is that she goes to charity things and doesn't pay yeah yeah i think I think it's hard because since we talk about the Housewives so much that we're constantly remembering the old Housewives. But, you know, I think you could say Kimberly Bryant, especially because we did the – we went through that whole list of all the Housewives last week. But Kimberly from season one of OC was also pretty forgettable. Lydia should be forgettable, but somehow she's not. Those little eyes keep like blink, blink. I know. Well, it's because of her we have this ongoing joke about Ryan and his obsessive compulsive disorder regarding feet on the couch.

Starting point is 00:14:18 Feet on the couch. Feet on the couch. What was that song? Pants on the Ground? Yeah, like pants on the ground. Pants on the couch was that song pants on the ground yeah like pants on the ground parents on the ground that guy was on uh he he came out on the american idol uh finale oh my god was sanjaya there sanjaya was there he was in the audience though oh sanjaya what the hell no one has told sanjaya to take a seat why would he be sitting down

Starting point is 00:14:42 sanjaya never sit yeah you know what's? I was going to talk about the American Idol finale on our bonus episode, and I just forgot to. Maybe next week. Well, you're just going to have to save it. You know it's going to come on the air in like two years. Yeah, exactly. It's going to be back. The revival?

Starting point is 00:14:58 The revival. Just wait for it to go away, and it'll come back, whatever. So, let's see. Okay, Kate A. asks, way and it'll come back whatever so um let's see uh okay kate a asks would you guys have a conversation your yo-yo voices using the lyrics to hello by adele oh god okay i have to look them up i know yeah i'm gonna look them up too everyone stand by i love me some adele but man adele i get like why you were so sad before and stuff and that's why I liked her like I like the song I like that one where she's sitting in a hotel

Starting point is 00:15:29 room for the entire video it's one shot she's just sitting there smoking and singing that Garth Brooks song I love shit like that but then this one I'm like you're rich you're thinner you have such good makeup why are you sad what are you so fucking sad about lighten up lady

Starting point is 00:15:44 although any fast songs I'm like oh I hate this Adele song I wish you Makeup. Why are you sad? What are you so fucking sad about? Lighten up, lady. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Although any fast songs, I'm like, oh, I hate the Adele song. I wish you would do some fast songs. Hello, David, my love. It's me. I was wondering if after all these years, you'd like to meet the Lyme disease in my body.

Starting point is 00:16:03 To go over everything. They say that time's supposed to heal you. Well, you know what? It's time. Because, you know, one day it's a month and the next day it's five years. So I don't know. I haven't done much healing. Yeah, I've gone all around the world, David, my love.

Starting point is 00:16:19 All around the world I got my boobies taken out. No healing. Hello, can you hear me, boobies? Hello, I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be, boobies. When we were younger and free, I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet after Lisa Vanderpump dropped it and tried to make me fall. You know, there's such a difference between us. And by us, I mean, you know, me and other mothers

Starting point is 00:16:41 who don't have supermodel children. And a million miles. Hello from the other side, you know, of the red velvet rope, because that is where you're standing, and I'm standing on this side because Gigi is modeling today. I must have called a thousand times. You don't answer nothing, you know. I'll leave.

Starting point is 00:17:01 Listen, other one, I just want to tell you I'm sorry for everything I have done. But when I call, you always seem to be home and I just want to speak to Gigi. Hello from the outside. This is outside the Malibu mansion. At least I can say I've tried. I cannot climb this fence to tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart. But don't it matter clearly? Don't tear you apart anymore.

Starting point is 00:17:23 I'm becoming like an Indian. I was about to say, I was turning Indian. Hello from the underside. I wish Yolanda would do that. Like, this has all been fake, and she's really going to be like, Hello from the outside. At least I can say that I've tried. What the hell happened to Yolanda?

Starting point is 00:17:38 What? I've always talked like this. Yeah. Okay, so Joseph asks a question. He says, Bravo obviously edits down the footage that is filmed for each show, and there are a lot of things that we never see even past The Secrets Revealed. If you could have access to the raw uncut film of a few of the Housewives footage, whose would you want to see and why? To push it further, what Housewives scene slash fight would you want to see the raw footage of? Thanks. I can tell tell you right now i would like to see the big brawl that happened in the dominican republic oh my god from jurors from jersey because you know we know that's the real root of why caroline started hating theresa that's the real root and they can't ever mention it they can't and i don't know why they never show it because i guess it's caught up in litigation but that's what i would like to see um so wait what am i picking a fight that wasn't on camera no it's more guess it's caught up in litigation. But that's what I would like to see.

Starting point is 00:18:26 So wait, what am I picking? A fight that wasn't on camera? No, it's more like something that you would like to see the uncut footage of of a fight. Mine was something that was just something that was never even shown. I would like to see uncut footage of all of the Vanderpump's rules cast really

Starting point is 00:18:42 working, like really waiting tables because every time they show it I think it's so hilarious. Like no one knows how to pronounce Jolene C. Bastille. You know, shit like that, I think is so good. And I like listening to Sheena say like, are we ready? Because, you know, she says we. It's like, you ain't ordering, bitch. And I just know that that would be endless entertainment for me.

Starting point is 00:19:02 Yeah. I was poking the squirrel right now, and it wasn't like getting my pokes. Like, why are you poking a squirrel, Dolly? Well, I was trying to enter that order, but it wouldn't go in. I'm like, poking? No, Dolly, you're tapping the computer screen. It's a squirrel computer. I don't say poked a squirrel.

Starting point is 00:19:19 Well, who hasn't? It's LA, you know. I'm a singer. Sheena's in trouble, by the way. Her neighbors are accusing her of smoking too much pot and stinking up the neighborhood. What, is pot becoming popular again with the kids? I guess so. Who starts smoking pot aftermath?

Starting point is 00:19:35 That's so crazy. They're like, all right, enough crystal. Oh, their old age. By the way, I would like to see the raw, unedited footage of Camille Grammer's dinner party from hell. That's what I would like to see. Now, we saw more footage on the uncensored Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season one uncensored, but I would just like to watch all the footage. No, that. No, that.

Starting point is 00:20:00 I would like uncensored footage of everything Camille Grammer because remember back in season one when Camille was just such an asshole but she didn't know it? Yeah. And she just kept being an asshole and then she saw herself on TV and was like, oh my god, I'm an asshole. I want to see what she's really like when the cameras aren't rolling because asshole, hole of an ass. Yeah, I agree. I think I'd like to see a lot of raw footage to be honest. I think I'd like to see a lot of raw footage, to be honest. I think I'd like to see a lot. Henrissa Bassey says,

Starting point is 00:20:31 Fantasy time. Please pitch us a reality show about bloggers. Obviously, both of you would be on the show. What would the drama be like? Who would be the villains? Oh, that's hard. Okay, a reality show about bloggers. It would be called Not Your Type.

Starting point is 00:20:46 Oh, my God. Or WordPressed. Font of knowledge. How about Post and Posted. Posted. Just be called Posted. Oh, my God. That's awful.

Starting point is 00:21:04 I think, okay, this would be the story. Someone gets up and then eats something and then takes a nap and then writes notes about some stupid shit. And then all the villains would be people outside the house. Yeah. I'm never leaving again. But then I leave and there's an old lady down the street who just won't leave me alone and follows me around talking. Or like the douchebags in the Whole Foods line or the ladies eating the Whole Foods salad bar with their hands. I think the villains would be like your classmates or contemporaries who are doing successful things like getting book deals and being on TV.

Starting point is 00:21:48 And then the bloggers sit there and ro angrily and just like and then they get mad at the people doing well with their lives yeah how did your real housewives recap go great well today on the view i met the president awesome great line uh it would be all through texting like i message yeah um uh or the villains could be the people who buy out the blog oh so um let's see what else is going on let's see jackie flavin jackie flavin i say that every time um if we had a spininoff Real Housewives show with all the queen bees from each city together, who would rise to the top and be the bee of all bees? Well, I think Lisa Vanderpump would be, right? I think so.

Starting point is 00:22:33 Just because I think to be the queen, you don't have to be able to smack people down in fights and stuff. People just have to like you the most. And I think that she's pretty good at it. Whenever anybody is fighting fighting she's like oh yeah she doesn't even fight she's just like i would never yeah so i think she would maintain her queendom that way yeah because i think the rest would would you know like nini and i mean who are the other queens nini leah black bethany so of each they would all fight each thing like vicky even though she's like

Starting point is 00:23:06 half hated she's still kind of the queen of her show teresa bethany although ramona would kill us for saying that but bethany um what else oh teresa gross teresa would but she she is karen huber ew how dare you she'm sorry. Like, you may hate her. In fact, most people hate her. But she is undeniably, like, the breakout person, you know? I know people love Katie and people like Ashley and, you know, some of us like Giselle, too. But Karen is, like, the outrageous one, you know? She's kind of like that Richard Nixon mask.

Starting point is 00:23:47 Like a lot of young people don't know who that is. I wasn't alive when he was president either, thank you. But you see it all the time and it's just so hideous you'll never forget it. It's like that's that Karen mug. It's always in your face. People are like, where did I see that before? Robbing a bank? No.

Starting point is 00:24:03 I was about to say, is someone about to rip off her face and rob a bank with it? A bunch of surfers? And go skydiving? What else is in there? There is only one more question. Michael Horn says, if you guys were housewives, which city would you want to be in? Who from that cast do you think would get along with? Who would you get along with? And who would you fight with? What would your want to be in who from that cast do you think would get along with uh who would you get along with and who would you fight with what would your tagline be and most importantly

Starting point is 00:24:29 what illness would you fake wow oh my goodness so i guess that's the existing city because i was like oh i'd be in toronto just because i was just there and what's in my mind i'd be like my tagline would be you may think that i'm cocky and i say, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Cause apparently in Toronto, everyone apologizes all the time. Oh, I would be in the real housewives of the OC,

Starting point is 00:24:54 I think because Beverly Hills, like it's too much for me. Obviously I can't even imagine having that much money and the OC is disgusting, but it's like cool and I get very hot and sweaty very easily I'm picking for temperature and my tagline would be

Starting point is 00:25:11 Banco! No, my tagline would be Tamara's an awful human being That's it I think I would want to be on Real Housewives of New York City and my tagline would be there's a new bitch on the block, and she's panhandling.

Starting point is 00:25:32 I may not go down into the subway station, but that doesn't mean I don't go down. I may live on Park Avenue, but I want you to back it up. Because it's like parking and backing up, you know, cars. Yeah. I'm trying to think of OC ones because that's my city. Some kids live in a cabinet.

Starting point is 00:25:56 I don't know. I don't even know what I would say. I'm in an empire state of mind and a bitchy state of attitude my taglines are terrible I may live in Staten Island but that doesn't mean I'm gonna be

Starting point is 00:26:12 stating islands I may have to cross the Verrazano Narrows but my world view is wide Lady Liberty ain't got nothing but my worldview is wide. Lady Liberty ain't got nothing on my flaming torch. Lady Liberty.

Starting point is 00:26:39 Lady Liberty may be holding a torch, but I'm flaming. Give us your tired and your poor. Just don't give us your tired and your poor just don't give us your attitude oh it's like it's like that would have to be a housewife who works on alice island you know i've never been to chicago but i'm in chicago you know it's funny i'm seeing chicago next week that's my that's actually my my tagline you know what's funny i'm actually seeing chicago next week. That's actually my tagline. You know what's funny? I'm actually seeing Chicago next week. I saw Lady Liberty on a bus.

Starting point is 00:27:20 I'm not uptown. I'm not downtown. I'm just around the town. No, that's bad. Hey, does anybody besides me miss that Chili's? That's it. By the way, Ronnie, I just want you to know, it's not lost on me that you did move quietly to New York City from OC. Yeah, I came back.

Starting point is 00:27:46 I don't know anything about it. I'll go to the OC. I'll go to the OC. Okay. Okay, here's what I'm going to say about the OC. Tustin may have an auto mall, but I'm

Starting point is 00:28:01 all of all. But I'm all of all. We suck so bad at this. OC is hard. There's no OC thing. Okay. All right. I may only shop in the mall, but that doesn't mean I don't have it all.

Starting point is 00:28:20 Like, what do you even say about OC? There's malls, big parking spaces, and a beach. at all like what do you even say about osc there's malls big parking spaces and a beach i may drive a harley but that doesn't mean i'm not operating on all four cylinders i may not be fit but that doesn't mean i'm not a cup fitness i do yoga and pilates but you that doesn't mean that doesn't mean i can't throw my weight around like a kettlebell. I may not have much in my heart but my mom's in my wall. I may only wear yoga pants. That doesn't mean that I don't wear the pants around my house.

Starting point is 00:29:04 I wear the pants around my house. I wear the pants around my house. It just so happens they're yoga pants. I wish it could be me and my husband just us, but instead he's gone and now it's just justice. I may like wrought iron furniture, but doesn't mean that you're allowed to sit in it.

Starting point is 00:29:24 I may like wrought iron furniture, but doesn't mean that you're allowed to sit in it. I may like faux Tuscan styles, but I am all real, baby. Tuscany. I love Tuscany. Don't be cold to me, because I sure am going to be caliente, like my kitchen sign. Yeah, I can't come up with anymore. I'm trying to think of something about stealing chairs. Life in Orange County is like musical chairs, except I always find my seat.

Starting point is 00:30:05 I have to pee because I refuse to get up to the bathroom because someone will steal my chair. I'm like the worst line. When life sticks a colonoscopy thing up your ass, have a husband pull it out. We don't eat happy meals, but that doesn't mean we don't play with toys. I have a lot of friends, more enemies, and even more enemas. Word on the street

Starting point is 00:30:35 is, I have a plane. Word on the tarmac is, I am the tarmac. Wrap it up. Close that mailbag. Oh, yeah. This mailbag went through a crazy place. It's always the last question.

Starting point is 00:30:57 I'm so mad now because I chose to live in the OC and I already hate it. Yeah. Just because I couldn't have any taglines from there. I hate you, OC. It's okay. The New York taglines were not much better. You know, people ask that actually, I don't know of you,

Starting point is 00:31:10 but they ask of me a lot. They're like, what would your tagline be? And I have to come up with one because I don't ever have one. And that's why I always stumble through things and say ridiculous things. Like, I may have a stapler on my desk, but that doesn't mean I want to be attached.

Starting point is 00:31:27 I stopped going to Starbucks to save money the end I spent 15 minutes and got a good insurance rate at Geico I ate a fingernail and still gained 5 pounds god damn it

Starting point is 00:31:41 all you need is a dollar and a dream okay so god damn it all you need is a dollar and a dream okay um so where we have some really good stuff to talk about today where do you where do you want to start i haven't made my mark but i've got stretch marks hey um the only mark i'm making is around my stomach well let's see do you want to do we have beverly hills new york and southern john what would you like to do first they're all so good no no you choose you choose i'm i think we should do beverly first it's your birthday sort of i think we should do beverly hills first okay so yes because why not because it's the thing that always gets us fired up.

Starting point is 00:32:30 So, okay, I'm already fired up because last week I went on a rant and I said, if you ever notice, Yolanda does not say thank you to anything. Anytime anyone compliments her, she never says thank you. So the first thing that happens is Andy looks at her and says, you look well. And she goes, thank you. I was like, fuck you. Why? Why? Ruining my entire theory. I i know even with decent diction i know she like said it like slowly and clearly it's like she

Starting point is 00:32:52 knew she's like uh even though this is being recorded you know three weeks before the end of season i know they're gonna be talking about my thank you issue so i'm gonna say it loud and clear well she sure did um but i think that if people keep saying, you're pretty, you're pretty, she just stops because, you know, she becomes a thank you machine. And she doesn't like being called pretty anyway. Well, I think that maybe also why my theory will still stand is because a reunion is a very specific situation where you are very aware of you're on a couch or you're being presented uh you're being welcomed to a stage and so it's normal to say thank you although she said it later on also whereas if you're in the mix if you're at wally's if you're just somewhere like on a beach or at a park or whatever you just you know you're not as cognizant of the fact that you're being you're in

Starting point is 00:33:41 front of an audience or whatever maybe this maybe it's because she's feeling better in this whole season she just hasn't noticed that she's not saying thank like maybe she thinks in her mind she said thank you but it just didn't come out because of the lime the lime lime brain lime brain she did say a few seasons ago that lime disease made her an asshole so maybe it made her a rude asshole did not say thank you gosh darn i'm so mad that she ruined my theory. Even my exception doesn't work. She ruined my theory. Fine, I take it back.

Starting point is 00:34:09 For now. But I reserve the right to bring back the theory. Just look at other episodes. I guarantee she doesn't say thank you. Yeah, reunions don't count. Reunions don't count. New theory. New theory.

Starting point is 00:34:19 Reunions don't count, everyone. My theory still stands. Yeah, they've had too much time to practice. Gigi's like, Mom, don't forget to say thank you. Oh, Gigi, why are you upside down again? Mom, turn your phone over. Oh, this is right. Facelime.

Starting point is 00:34:34 Oh, my gosh. So this week on Bravo was a really, depending on how you look at it, either a bottom-of-the-barrel week or just a gold-standard week because there was so much poop talk. I mean, there was the Real Housewives of Potomac having a fight of who pooped in a hotel lobby and when. And then there was the poop hat on Real Housewives of Dallas.

Starting point is 00:34:57 And I'm only bringing that up because this reunion takes place on white couches. And I was like, oh, no, because like a celebrity death, poop on Bravo should come in threes. I was just hoping someone would poop. So that's how I started out. Yeah. And by the way, I would like to just mention that Prince's celebrity death trio was Doris Roberts, Chyna the wrestler, and Prince. I mean, I can't tell if it's like the most appropriate death trio or what happened to china she died yesterday oh my goodness how'd she die i i don't know she's been a mess for

Starting point is 00:35:34 a while you know i once saw her vagina up close and in person do you know that happened to me once really i was i was at the fox reality awards and she was standing next to me, and she was wasted. I feel bad because she just died yesterday, but the story is notable. And at one point, she put her foot up on a chair or something, and she was not wearing underwear. She was wearing this flowy dress. She put her foot up, and then a gust of wind came, and her dress just went up. And it was fully just her vagina right in my face. It was insane.

Starting point is 00:36:04 Oh, my God. Maybe that's how she passed. She just kept putting her leg up, and her vagina right in my face. It was insane. I was like, God, maybe that's how she passed. She just kept putting her leg up and her vagina finally caught something. I know. No, I actually, you know, poor,

Starting point is 00:36:11 poor girl. She, she was really troubled. I don't know who I feel weirder for in heaven, Prince China or Doris Roberts, because they all feel weird. The only one that doesn't feel weird is China. She's like,

Starting point is 00:36:23 fuck. Yes. Everybody loves Prince. Yes, good way to go. That is an awkward purgatory waiting room. Totally. Like, what are they talking about right now? You know, Doris is like, well, I'm not going to speak to Prince Charles.

Starting point is 00:36:38 It's like, no, no, no, Prince. Oh, whatever. She's probably asking him to do errands. She just takes over her role as Marie from Raymond. Start treating Prince like Raymond. Oh, Prince, I've always liked you, but I love George Michael. Rest in peace to all three of those people. Yes.

Starting point is 00:37:04 So reunion on white cat food. Okay, do you want to talk about what people were wearing? All three of those people. Yes. So reunion on white cap boot. Okay. Do you want to talk about what people were wearing? I really don't give a shit, but people online are always like, oh, my God, look what everybody's wearing. Sure. Well, the only one that I can remember is Lisa Vanderpump because she's wearing what Erica was wearing all season. Yes, pretty much. She's wearing the C3PO dress.

Starting point is 00:37:28 C3PO dress. but she's wearing the cp3 c3p ho dress c3p address so but apparently vanderpump was wearing the dress version and erica was wearing the shirt version so that's so typical vanderpump like a she didn't know that that was the same that's such bullshit she's so new and then andy's like so what's up with you stealing her dress she's like no darling she had the shirt i had the dress which is three times more expensive and i earned it yeah well so there were some questions who wore it better erica or at least lisa um well i don't know because sitting down lisa looked really i don't know who cares like i well listen i care i care. I care. Do you really care? No, not really. But as long as I ask the question and I want to get an answer, I actually am going to say, surprise, surprise. I thought Lisa looked better.

Starting point is 00:38:12 And not because I'm a Lisa apologist, which I am. But I just thought she looked great. I mean, Erica looked good in it. I thought Erica looked solid. But I thought it actually, the colors looked better with Lisa Vanderpump. I think Erica just needed to pull her bra tighter when she was in that gold thing. Right? I always thought it looked sort of awkward on her all season.

Starting point is 00:38:31 Like, it was like a nice top. I think it's a really lovely sequined top. But for some reason, I always thought that she looked uncomfortable in it. So, that's where I stand on it. Those stupid glitter things. What are they called? Sequins. Sequins.

Starting point is 00:38:42 Not comfortable. That's why drag queens are always so upset. They're always so mad. A lot of sequins. Uncomfortable. Little metal discs up against your body. Yeah. I would not want to be wearing sequins.

Starting point is 00:38:56 But I was actually wearing. She was wearing a different glitter dress. Right? I don't remember what she was wearing. She was wearing like a lighter version of it. But by the way people You should on our Facebook page When we put this up on

Starting point is 00:39:11 This episode on Facebook Tell us who you think wore it better Lisa or Erica Alright well there you go Look a little engagement Why not I feel like Erica looked like she worked harder for it Because Lisa's was like I went shopping I just threw worked harder for it because lisa's it was like i went

Starting point is 00:39:26 shopping i just threw on this gold sequin thing whereas erica's just like i've been trying to helicopter don rickles old ass fucking tube sock dick for this dress for 15 years or whatever so i don't know i like i like to see work you know even though she's so well put together i like to see her sweat well but she didn't sweat at all because her glam squad showed up with like a powerpoint demonstration like okay bitch just use the fiercest bitch on bravo you are okay so here are different looks for you slide number one we're gonna go for a sparkly top okay slide number two is a modified tutu slide number three is a togau. Slide number three is a toga, but we call it the modern urban toga. A modern urban toga.

Starting point is 00:40:09 Sorry, just got notes from Andy. You're not allowed to show your vagina in any way during this reunion, so we have this glitter one in the trunk. Just put it on. It's everything, girl. It's June Jetson chic. Yolanda forego the white jeans of doom and was wearing some weird like white kind of, you know, that skin mesh shit that they put on like Las Vegas dancers. I hate that.

Starting point is 00:40:36 Why is that white mesh shit coming back out? I do not like it. Yeah. I don't know. It's not your skin. Mm hmm. So she was wearing that with all these slits all over it. And I just thought it looked kind of like a real dress, but like the lime was slowly eating it away to where it was threadbare.

Starting point is 00:40:51 So you had all these like, you know, lime-eaten stripes all over it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny. I really don't remember what she was wearing. Oh, you don't? I only remember what Lisa was wearing.

Starting point is 00:41:02 Actually, I remember. Really? Well, Lisa Rinna, didn't she have like a little blazer on? You know, she likes to rock a little blazer. Kyle looked. Okay. Oh, Kyle had something crazy. She had like her boobs out with green.

Starting point is 00:41:13 A green thing, right? Yeah, I think she has new boobs. I think. I don't know. I don't care. But she was wearing something. She looked like when I am trying to put too many things from the grocery store onto my scooter. And I'm having to use bungee cords.

Starting point is 00:41:26 And they're going all these different ways. And I'm like, this is not going to stay in. But I don't really care if it all crashes. Like, I'll survive it. That's how I felt about Kyle's outfit. That's a very good analogy. And she did have her hair over her back. So I couldn't judge her bra size.

Starting point is 00:41:40 But, I mean, I don't know. Boobs. And it gave Andy something to talk about. Because Andy needs to see some implants or he can't do the show. Yeah. Yeah. Hi, Kyle. Look at your boobs.

Starting point is 00:41:49 Kyle, look. Everybody look at Kyle's boobs. She's like, yeah, my boobs. Yeah. He's like, your ladies are out today. I'm like, how would you like it, Andy, if you showed up somewhere and someone said, oh, Andy, your dick is out today, huh? It would be Adam. You're not wearing any underwear, right?

Starting point is 00:42:08 Same game. It's hot. So that was that couch. Then the other people, the other couch I just wrote, the poor people's couch. Because it was just like the people without as much money. You got Catherine over there. You got Eileen in the middle. And she was really trying hard with those shoes. I got to give her credit.

Starting point is 00:42:26 And then, you know, Rinna, they all looked pretty. They just looked kind of like ladies going to church. Yeah, and it was like a really big, it felt like a big couch. It felt like there was so much space in between them all. It was like cavernous over there. Well, stupid Yolanda, you never know if she's going to show up or not. You know, you don't know if you need to save her a space, get a different size couch. And then she's like, I want to sit next to Ericaica but also where lisa vanderpump can hear me calling

Starting point is 00:42:49 her a couch fitness the entire time yeah exactly well it was significant that for as much of a rivalry as yolanda and lisa vanderpump have had they were on the same couch and that they decided to prioritize the lisa rinna lisa vanderpump fight instead by putting them on different couches well i think everybody knew that yolanda wouldn't going to be staying at this reunion yeah they're like you know yolanda's gonna shoot for two hours and go home so just give her a temp seat yeah exactly also they had those um ottoman things in front they made like a full circle and instead of couches they put like ottomans or something, which I guess is because Kim Richards is going to come by, and they want her to have something to jump over when she runs off stage. It's like the Kim Olympics.

Starting point is 00:43:32 Olympics. Freeway divider. She jumped over during her fight with Rinna. Someone's going to hold you accountable, missy. She's like, whatever. You're crawling over the freeway divider. Okay, so we start with kyle's boobs yeah and then um uh there is discussion of erica oh thank you you look well yolanda oh thank you when has anybody anybody ever said to yolanda that she looks well that she's not gotten pissed off she's like I'm not well but to him she's like

Starting point is 00:44:05 well I you know thank you Andy very much I'm here I'm not leaving lies Yolanda really pissed me off this episode with her passive aggressive ways I mean they're all passive aggressive but Yolanda

Starting point is 00:44:21 really she was really rankling me I don't think it's here as being passive aggressive she's Yolanda really, she was really rankling me. I don't think it's Sears being passive aggressive. She's just flat out aggressive. She's doing it in a soft voice, but she's not even trying to hide anything. She's like, oh, you stop trying to take the moment from my girl Erica. Well, like, for instance, you know, we start off looking at the life of Erica, Jane. We start off looking at the life of Erica, Jane, and after they show the clip package, there's talk about Erica and her husband, and her husband is older.

Starting point is 00:45:01 And it was like, oh, Lisa, you'd look surprised that Erica's husband was so much older, and you're 16 years younger than Ken, yada, yada, yada. So there was some discussion, and Lisa gave her answer. It's not really significant. But then Yol yolanda just mutters but it was a judgment it's like shut up yolanda like i hate when people say that it was a judgment as if like yolanda's not judgmental as if no one's judgmental everyone's judgmental okay and as if yolanda doesn't rely on judgments for an income exactly Exactly. I mean, it may be from divorce judges, but still. But still, everyone's judgmental. The issue is whether or not you're going to act on your judgments, if you're going to build an entire concrete opinion off of a superficial judgment.

Starting point is 00:45:38 That's more of the issue. But I think Lisa Vanderpump is allowed to be a little shocked that Tom is 75 years older than Erica. That's okay. You're allowed to. It's not the typical thing. And all she said was, how often do you get laid, darling? How does that go? Yeah, because she's married to an old dude, too.

Starting point is 00:45:59 So that was the original conversation. And Erica didn't even care. Erica didn't care. Erica didn't care. Lisa didn't care. It was like a moment moment and then Yolanda but it was a judgment it was judgment

Starting point is 00:46:09 and then Lisa was like darling she enjoyed it she just said she had fun with it she goes yes because she can take it shut up Yolanda also I think this is Yolanda trying to dig at Lisa for other things about her own marriage because Yolanda is notorious for marrying old for other things about her own marriage because Yolanda is

Starting point is 00:46:25 notorious for marrying old rich men. And so she takes this all personally. Like we're all talking about Yolanda, which of course we are. You were just you're a supermodel. Well, not a supermodel. You're an ex model married to, you know, a turkey neck. So, of course, like you married him for his money. You really know no one who's seen David's personality thinks that you married David

Starting point is 00:46:44 for his personality. OK, yeah, exactly. I think I'm marrying for his money you really no no one who's seen david's personality thinks that you married david for his personality okay yeah exactly i think i'm marrying for his music either everybody knows abe maria the entire episode was really um a simmering battle between vanderpump and um yolanda it was it was basically a turf war. Anything that came up seemed to somehow wind up being ammunition for both sides in a very low-key way. And that was pretty entertaining. Well, I have a lot of little notes that were just cracking me up the whole time. Like they were talking about the Erica segment. Man, I feel bad for Erica because everybody seems to be loving her online and stuff. But then she's all the way at the end of the couch, which sucks.

Starting point is 00:47:28 And I get you're a year one. But then your opening segment thing is right at the beginning. That's not a good sign either. I mean, I know she's coming back, but still. So they're doing this whole Erica thing and the path of puss. And this segment was all hilarious to me because first she's defending the old man marriage. And then she was trying to do the path of puss and this segment was all hilarious to me because first she's defending the old man marriage and then she was trying to do the pat the puss thing and he's like hey pat the puss she's like you don't have a tutorial and lisa renna jumps up she's like oh i'll pat the puss

Starting point is 00:47:54 i own a puss oh sit down this is erica's moment let her have her moment and Rinna just has to sit back down yeah that was funny Yolanda was sort of right on that but it's also like I mean whatever Erica's like we got pathoplus from Jamaica because people have itchy pusses in Jamaica they just like keep swatting it with a fly swatter

Starting point is 00:48:20 and it's a pathoplus and then when Andy was asking Rinna about Erica's video and how rena had been scandalized rena was like no baby when i saw i think it's beautiful i think it's a beautiful video you know i oh i want to own it i want to buy it on itunes and own it baby and that point and that's when erica was like oh whatever like let's move on whatever rena i don't care well do you want to talk about it because okay do you remember that time I got so mad at the raunchiness and stuff? But now I've learned, you know, like, gross people are people too.

Starting point is 00:48:51 So I apologize. Art on, artist. Hey, hey, I have something I want to get off my chest, okay? You know, I feel like when we were just talking about Erica's video five seconds ago, I don't know. I feel like I didn't get to the core of it i feel like it's beautiful and you're wonderful but i don't know it's sort of slutty too i need to get something off my chest baby so when we weren't together i was listening to other people talk about what a whore you are on youtube and you know i let them talk about it

Starting point is 00:49:25 which means i engaged in that chatter i'm sorry erica's like shut up how about i'll forgive you and you stop trying to make my entire segment about your fucking feelings lisa rena okay because everything that came up and it's like well how do you feel about that here's how i feel ronnie i have to get something off my chest the way you talked about how i need to get something off my chest. The way you talked about how I need to get something off my chest five seconds ago, I own that baby. I own it all. And I just wish you would own it, too, that you were there while I was getting something off my chest, baby. Andy's questions to Erica were kind of hilarious. I can't tell what he thinks of her.

Starting point is 00:49:59 He seems to be fascinated with her. But he was saying, so, Erica, erica you know your wacky gay ploys how expensive are fabulous gay friends and she's like seriously a lot the price is high it's high it's a lot he's like wow like that's not the saddest fucking thing you've ever heard in your life you know like how are how expensive are all your friends in life really really expensive whoa Like how expensive are all your friends in life? Really, really expensive. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:50:26 Stupid Andy. Okay, and then this shows how close Erica and Yolanda really are, even if they're not close in real life, how close they are in situations. Where is this? Where is this? Gay friends, Don Money. Okay, so a question from like Alberta in Ruth Tun Canada or whatever the hell is like hey

Starting point is 00:50:46 how come you let your husband don rickles totally yell at you and disrespect you and she's like well he works hard and you know he gives me a lot he loves me a lot it's like uh that's a quick little i just thought it was funny how she said he gives me a lot he loves me a lot and your love is like yes giving loving same same thing he's rich he loves me a lot. And Yolanda's like, yes, giving, loving, same, same thing. He's rich. He loves me more than your husband, you poor person. Oh, yeah. Well, soon we got into Yolanda's marriage situation.

Starting point is 00:51:15 And what made me laugh, you know, because Yolanda's going through it. You know, she's sick, divorced, all that stuff. And cut to Andy, who is smiling. And he says, I know this is a tough time on top of another tough time for you. And you're full on smiling as he says that. I'm like, you are such a Svengali. Can't even suppress the smile, the glee that you have for her misfortune.

Starting point is 00:51:37 I love how Andy does things. He always does the same. Yolanda may have been sick, wow what a great year she's hot again her kids are supermodels and then they showed gg and fella the other one lying in the street and stuff like they looked like they were from the killing like some dead girls found in a dumpster oh those are my girls uh and then of course glories and then of course andy's like but everything wasn't fine and good behind the cameras she didn't feel like a super model behind the cameras so then um lisa vanderpump it's kind of hilarious because she starts asking Yolanda these questions and you could just tell

Starting point is 00:52:26 that Eileen had flames in her eyes because Lisa was like, did you feel anything? Did you feel anything at all? That night when you were crying, were you feeling emotional? Was that about the divorce? Was the marriage crumbling? Was there a crumbling? Was there an affair? How did you feel? Typical Vanderpump.

Starting point is 00:52:42 She's like, darling, remember at that party when you came in crying and then later blamed me for it. Was it really my fault or David's fault? Tell the truth. Was it because your marriage was crumbling, darling?

Starting point is 00:52:55 And I was like, no, it's more because I was wondering whether or not I could trust you because you're a lying bitch. Yes, but still, it was mainly about David, wouldn't you say?

Starting point is 00:53:05 No, it was about you. But when you say about me, you're saying David, right? Because you're looking, I was standing behind me, right? I was cracking up at that. I was disappointed in you, Lisa Vanderpump. Oh, really, darling? Disappointed I didn't notice your crumbling marriage soon enough to help? Why, darling?

Starting point is 00:53:24 But, you know, it was funny because when Lisa was saying that, when she said, I didn't notice your crumbling marriage soon enough to help. Bye, darling. But you know, it was funny because when Lisa was saying that, when she said, well, the marriage was crumbling, she was really asking, was the reason why you were so emotional, was that maybe because this was going on in the background? But when she says when the marriage is crumbling,

Starting point is 00:53:40 that's like the trigger right there because that sends people like Eileen and Yolanda into this mode of like, look at her taking a dig about the fact that my marriage was crumbling. What Lisa, I think was just asking it, but that's the trap. And that's where Lisa really falls short because she doesn't really know how to communicate with these women. She says things, she asks pretty normal questions in, albeit nosy, but she asked them in a way that really rubbed these women the wrong way and that's where this whole all this drama stems from i honestly do believe lisa was just saying

Starting point is 00:54:11 like she's trying to pretend she's all upset about this divorce but she's really saying like okay tell people that it wasn't me who made you cry because i took so much shit for making you cry and then you were really getting divorced and all this time you were making us feel bad but you were really feeling bad because you were getting divorced just say it bitch but she won't say that she's like darling i care was your marriage crumbling or were you mad at me just say it well i mean yeah oh sorry no no i was gonna say i mean like it's kind of funny because on the one hand it is a very self-serving line of questions to try to get herself off the hook so there's that but i also feel like you know if anything she was actually like giving yolanda like a softball to say like like you know like oh if i was acting like yes yes because there was there were problems and i and i was feeling emotional whatever but yolanda was like no i don't

Starting point is 00:55:01 want to do that i'm just gonna blame i was i'm gonna blame it all on you i was crying because of you she has her focus and it's you bitch watch out but yeah yolanda just keep but as usual yolanda keeps trying but nothing really lands you know and she's such a fucking liar this entire episode was about basically everybody had to be nice to yolanda but everybody was looking around the room every time they talked about the illness, which I think was 30 times at least. It was like, hey, what do you think of the weather? And what about Yolanda's illness? Like every other question was that. And everybody looked totally mortified and uncomfortable because they didn't want to say anything rude.

Starting point is 00:55:37 And then Yolanda is just sitting there lying and lying and lying over and over again. They show all the clips of her like david oh my king and then she tells andy she's like david was my soulmate you know and this is what it's like you know to lose it's like a death because you know you it's your best friend your son you've been together five years lady and you happen to get married the exact year that this show was entering i think it was still on in 2011 which is she got married so let me get this straight muhammad who's connected to bravo and lisa vanderpump both lisa vanderpump's on this show he needs to get your ass out of his house he hands you over to

Starting point is 00:56:17 david foster and gets you a job on a reality show and you still end up bringing everybody's life down yeah well yolanda was done she's like bye david i used you for what i needed now i'm rich on my own well i don't know i mean i don't think that i don't think that she left david i think that he left her and i think that that she was talking in circles she really was because andy was trying to get some information he's like what were you blindsided by this or was there were there issues behind scenes and she was like well no well no everything's fine well no i wasn't blindsided you know these things happen he's a good man you know it's hard to be the caretaker whatever it's like well were you blindsided well no it's like okay but just

Starting point is 00:56:53 admit like you were blindsided you know like she didn't want to like say it and then she was alluding that maybe she was but then she's alluding to that things were crumbling like i couldn't tell won't answer she won't be she wouldn wouldn't. And she told him flat out. She was like, well, this is private, you know. This is the private thing. Oh, really? Unless you're using it to be on a reality show or talk about your king all day

Starting point is 00:57:13 or make us watch you make a goddamn chicken every day, you know, then it's not private because you need it. But come on, lady. She did seem to indicate at one point, yes, she was blindsided. There was an argument. And after the argument, I guess it sounds like he asked for a divorce. And so she was like, yes, I was blindsided.

Starting point is 00:57:31 Okay, so that's fine. So put that on pause right there. So then Yolanda starts – she also starts, by the way, talking out the side of her mouth when he's like, well, are you guys talking right now? And she's like, we are taking some time apart. So no, you're not speaking. Okay. She goes, it is taking time to, you know, settle. Literally settle.

Starting point is 00:57:49 She's waiting for that money. She's like, I don't know how much I talk to him until I see the allowance. Okay. But then later on when Erica, I guess Andy was asking Erica about, you know, were you there for her, whatever. And Erica's like, yeah, we will talk.

Starting point is 00:58:01 And, you know, she would tell me things about everything. What about the marriage crumbling? So I'm like, oh, we will talk. And, you know, she would tell me things about everything. What about the marriage crumbling? So I'm like, oh, well, if Yolanda, if you were talking to Erica about the problems in your marriage, then how could you say you were blindsided? I mean, I guess, yes, she may not have expected a divorce. But I don't know. Something was not adding up. Like, it just felt, again, very typical Yolanda where the reality is very, very fluid, you know? Yes.

Starting point is 00:58:25 She changes all the time. I did love the shade she was giving David, though. Because she was saying over and over really mean things about David. But doing it in that way. Like, but I love a good man. Because he said, did David leave you because you're sick? Because people on the internet are really pissed. Because, you know, you just leave her and move on to the next one.

Starting point is 00:58:44 Or whatever he said. And she's like, you know, you just leave her and move on to the next one or whatever he said. And she's like, you know, Andy, it takes a lot of man to handle someone who's sick, you know, a lot big, strong man, you know, poor David is good man, but unfortunately, weak, weak David, you know, being a weak pussy is David's journey, Andy, you know? Let's not judge him for being an awful human being. Yeah, pretty much. I also thought it was notable that when Lisa Vanderpump said that she was shocked that there was a divorce, that Yolanda got all mad. Yolanda was like, why would you be shocked?

Starting point is 00:59:17 She got so mad that Lisa would have this opinion of it. I'm like, well, why is Lisa Vanderpump, why is she at fault for being surprised that you guys broke up when you had this whole facade going on? Because Yolanda's just ready to fight, so she's going to fight about anything. And nothing, you know, it's typical on this show.

Starting point is 00:59:36 They just jump into it, and they don't wait for the right time, so it never makes any sense. Yeah, I mean, Lisa Vanderpump was like, well, wouldn't you be surprised if suddenly Ken and I just broke up, you know? And I was like, no. I mean, Lisa Vanderbilt was like, well, wouldn't you be surprised if suddenly Ken and I just broke up, you know? And I was like, no. I mean, she didn't say no, but I'm just meaning that she just rejected that whole...

Starting point is 00:59:50 She did say no. Oh, did she say no? She said no. She said no because, you know, this is happening, you know? What do I know? You know, people, you don't know what happens, you know? Yeah, that's the thing. This is what it was.

Starting point is 01:00:00 Now I'm remembering. She turned it into a, well, you never know what goes on behind closed doors. So why closed doors so why would you like why would you you know why would you assume what was going on like she was mad at lisa for being shocked because you don't know what happens behind closed doors so you shouldn't be shocked by what happens but that's ridiculous i mean like you don't know what happens behind closed doors that's true i stand by that but you can't but when you go like out of your way to make speeches about david my love, and David, and David, and David, and these pictures, and these testaments, etc. And then all of a sudden there's a divorce because you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. It's shocking.

Starting point is 01:00:36 And just to flip-flop and counterpoint on this. Sure, why not? I do see why Yolanda's always pissed at Lisa. I mean, I really do see it. Lisa pokes. Lisa pokes. I do see why Yolanda's always pissed at Lisa. I mean, I really do see it. Because Lisa, all of Lisa's fucking questions are so, like, she's asking them like she's being so nice, but none of them are nice. And this was one of them. She's like, I'm dying.

Starting point is 01:00:54 You know, I just thought that you were, I thought everything was perfect and everything was going great. Okay, do you remember that time you cried? Like, she turns it around. And Andy, they asked a million david questions yolanda would not answer shit andy was just confused so lisa takes over she like becomes you know the katie keurig or katie keurig machine telling of this podcast or this uh show and starts asking the questions jane paulie if you will. Because we knew Andy is failing when after all of these questions, he goes, so Yolanda, you remember that Kyle said that maybe it's just depression because her mom died and she got fat and depressed. Remember?

Starting point is 01:01:34 Like he's trying to make her mad at Kyle, but Yolanda's like, no, I would be mad at Lisa. And so Lisa goes, well, darling, I mean, of course, no one doubted that you had the Lyme disease. I just thought that you probably had Lyme disease and maybe menopause and maybe depression as well, darling. And that's why you were acting out. It's like menopause. And Yolanda's like, no, I do not have the menopause because I have a pellet in my butt. Okay. And so I can check the pellet and, you know, everything happens. Like, of of course she has

Starting point is 01:02:05 fucking machinery in her ass she's got probably got an old pay phone in there somewhere yeah maybe it's the freaking pallet in her butt that's causing all the symptoms who knows but the thing is that i don't know i mean we've said it all along like maybe it's lime maybe it's lime but there's also this stuff on top of it and you have a whole cabinet full of medications. And Yolanda is really defensive on this point. I thought Lisa brought it up relatively well. And in fact, Lisa even said, before she even said menopause, she said, and remember, I'm older than you. She was like saying, look, I'm not trying to attack you for being old.

Starting point is 01:02:41 This is an attack. But reality is you could be going through menopause. And Yolanda got like all feisty. No, I have not trying to attack you for being old. This is an attack. But reality is, you could be going through menopause. And Yolanda got, like, all feisty. No, I have pellet in butt. And then, of course, the question. And then Andy was like, I've had nothing in my butt. Yeah. And then, of course, Andy says, so it wasn't depression?

Starting point is 01:02:58 And Lisa, again, is like, yes, depression. That's all I thought. Depression and menopause and Lyme. You know, she kept repeating it. And then Yolanda's like, no, no, pellet butt. And also, I know I was not depressed because I had clinical depression back in 99. And Rinna just like you see her come awake and she's like, clinical depression, looking it up, using it later. Because, of course, Yolanda's like, it's's not depression clinical depression is pretty big that's not what you you know that's an actual diagnosis from a doctor because yolanda's been

Starting point is 01:03:29 hospitalized a zillion times for exhaustion related things since she was a little kid and so this one is really good because the internet's been going crazy on this one too this is something yolanda's been saying for a while now where she says when she had anwar she broke her back so he's like why did you have clinical why did you have clinical depression she's like well you know if you broke your back in three places and you are in the hospital with broken back you would be depressed yolanda if you broke your back in three places how are there pictures of you on a beach holding a newborn on war and holding him up you are such a fucking chronic liar shut up lady stop yeah yeah i don't i mean

Starting point is 01:04:07 like yolanda it's just it's so hard to understand where the where what's truth what's embellishment what's pure fiction it's just so hard and so then you and then you you know sometimes i feel bad because these are serious things that she's going through or like perceived things or whatever and so like you do feel kind of bad questioning someone with all these things like questioning someone who broke their back okay you do feel bad but it's kind of like it's the it's a credibility issue after a while when things don't add up you know when you act certain ways when you respond to things in certain ways when you get defensive on certain things it's just hard not to question i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry okay we're podcasters i like that they keep bringing up depression like it's alcoholism

Starting point is 01:04:53 now he's like but did oh you suffered clinical depression it's like oh good is that the new disease now please stop yeah um so let me see here uh Are you going to get married again, Yolanda? She's like, no, no. You know, now I look at the goal. You know, I used to have me need a man to support me. But now, you know, the man who supported me gave me babies. And now I have babies that can support me. You know, in the end, it's a hero story. I would like to know why.

Starting point is 01:05:21 I would have liked it if Andy had asked her why she changed her name to hadid you know like it's strange to me to it's not strange to me to to get rid of your ex's last name but it's strange to me to then go to a different ex's last name just why not go back to her original maiden name why i can tell you why because i think it was her instagram didn't she say because she wants to be consistent with her kid's last name, right? Yeah. She said after she divorced Mohammed that she had a talk with her children about the name or whatever.

Starting point is 01:05:54 Which they wouldn't have changed their name anyway because it was already Hadid. And so when it changed back, she just wanted to go back to the name she was when she gave birth to her babies because that's the family. And also the richest no it's i'm sorry i still smell bullshit i'm sorry i'm sorry everything she says is i just smell bullshit because it's like well why did you change your name to foster then yeah well you know this is later look maybe i said it was a week but i meant

Starting point is 01:06:21 it was 18 years okay maybe i said i haven't walked in 10 years i just met a week, but I meant it was 18 years. Okay, maybe I said I haven't walked in 10 years. I just meant a week, you know, because the lime. That was another one. Yeah. Just everything is so whatever. But then we take a little break from Yolanda to go talk about Catherine. Good old Catherine on the corner of the couch. Also at the reunion. You may have forgotten about her.

Starting point is 01:06:43 She's there clutching a pillow. And we got to have, like,atherine segment now remember guys katherine was almost dead how do you feel katherine she's like so many people have died and she's like crying she's like all these i'm not laughing at people dying but she's like all these people are dying and he's like oh so that faye resnick thing everybody is saying that you chickened out with Faye. Yeah. Well, it's funny because – so Kyle starts getting mad at Catherine a little bit because Kyle is very defensive of Faye Resnick. And she was – she wants Catherine to stop talking about Faye because Faye did not sign up for this.

Starting point is 01:07:22 Faye did not sign up to be on this TV show, so we should stop talking about her. Yes, she did. She did. You can't come to the show unless you sign release forms and get paid and sign up for it. She's totally signed up for it multiple times. Exactly. And also, Catherine did not sign up

Starting point is 01:07:39 to be dragged into Faye's book. That's, I think, a worse offense. Faye not only signed up, but she came back this season, you know, and she willingly came to a party with Catherine there, okay? So... That OJ, that Kyle was pushing them into each other. Like, okay,

Starting point is 01:07:58 talk about it. Oh, you don't know Faye? Do you know Faye? Do you not know Faye? What's the truth? Oh, oh, here, you guys should talk. Hey, why don't you sit by Faye? Hey, sit right across from from fay like kyle did this whole thing and now she's like why is everyone mean to fay but then you'll look from this is that catherine's like well i didn't read the book because she's so stupid i can't believe how proud she is of being so stupid and handy's like well i thought you might say that so he whips out the book you know it's like quotes from the book and it's not that bad end of the day it's a pretty

Starting point is 01:08:25 nice it's not really mean phase like well after nicole and i blew that delivery person but should we tell hello should we tell katherine that we used a triple dildo on her husband and then we thought no god bless her little heart, because Catherine probably already knows. But if she knows that everybody else knows, then she'll feel like she can't get married. And she deserves to marry a rich man. You know, in Beverly Hills, that's like Faye totally used girl code with you. Like, that's Beverly Hills girl code, bitch. You should be thanking Faye.

Starting point is 01:09:01 Yeah, I mean, it was not a great, great moment for Catherine. But it also, it was really not that damning and not that explosive and not that terrible. But either way, my favorite part about all this is then Yolanda chimes in. Because, you know, Yolanda's anti-Kyle because Kyle is pro-Lisa, right? So Kyle is on Team Vanderpump. So therefore, here's this fight with Kyle. So Yolanda's like, no, Catherine, tell us your experience of how Faye hurt you. You get to speak now.

Starting point is 01:09:28 You tell us about Faye. How did Faye hurt you? She's only saying that because she wanted to get at Kyle. That's the only reason why Yolanda wanted to hear about Faye. Totally. And you've got Catherine, who's terrified of people. Like, she got so hammered on the internet that by the time they shot this, she's like, I'll just say nothing except something nice. Okay.

Starting point is 01:09:46 Like she's sitting over there totally quiet. You've got Kyle enraged over nothing because Kyle has nothing going on either. So this is like her big time to fight. And this is a non-fight. And Andy just keeps asking and asking, keeping it going and keeping it going. And poor Catherine. And then Yolanda's like, yes, you tell her, Catherine. And Catherine's like, I don't want to talk and then finally andy's like so you're basically saying you barely knew oj you

Starting point is 01:10:10 didn't hang out with oj your husband wasn't friends with him after you got together it's like yes that's what i'm saying like we barely knew him and he goes so you got married at oj's house right she's like yes like that's totally normal like of course we rented oj's house just like everybody else who's getting married you know i know and then i loved also by the way uh just to further prove my point that when kyle was again defending fay really passionately yolanda then smirked over to eric and was like i wish she'd felt that strong about me shut up yolanda why should she yolanda yeah it's like she's standing up for a longtime friend since 1994 for 20 years lady who's done nothing but try and ruin her life for three years exactly shut up yolanda and then uh and then it happened again

Starting point is 01:10:57 and then yolanda again used the situation to like to like push people against each other so um when they're talking about, like, well, what, Catherine, why did you make fun of Lisa's eating habits, and then, you know, um, you know, Lisa, it's funny, Vanderpump and Kyle were meeting, like, oh, it was a joke, it was a joke, and then Yolanda was, like, Lisa didn't like it, it was not nice, Lisa didn't like it, it was just so funny how, like, it was the alliances right there, you know, because Lisa, Lisa, Vanderpump and Kyle sort of have Catherine on their side, Team Vanderpump.

Starting point is 01:11:31 So they're like, oh, it's a joke. Catherine did nothing wrong. And Yolanda has Rinna on her side. So she's like, oh, no, it was awful. It was so mean. Such a mean joke to make. Just funny to see all the, all the sort of politicking and like the,

Starting point is 01:11:44 you know, they have to like, the alliances this with the politicking and like the you know they have to like the alliances and how they have to defend each other in the alliance make sure that no one jumps ship yeah but they're all such different alliances i love it and yolanda really doesn't have any except with well i guess she does now she's got erica eileen and erica erica eileen rina and yeah but the thing is this though is that Rinna and Eileen could always go rogue at any time. They're really their own alliance. Yeah. Aligned with nobody.

Starting point is 01:12:11 I love that when Andy was like, what about calling Rinna anorexic? And Rinna's like, yeah. How'd that make you feel, hon? How'd that make you feel? Want to talk about it?

Starting point is 01:12:20 She like turns to her and starts doing a talk show. Yeah. How do you feel about that? Own it, baby. i'm sorry and then andy's like yeah but remember oj and kyle's like look andy i'm sick of talking about oj okay and he's like okay man i love orange juice oh my god that reminds me about that guy who killed his wife she's like oh what about how faye feels shut up about oj so funny so then we

Starting point is 01:12:43 then yeah of course andy's like but Munchausen's guys. Okay, this OJ thing fell on its face. Munchausen. Well, not before he was, not before Andy was like, so, Catherine, your dad committed suicide. What'd that feel like? And then Catherine just sits there, sobs. And then she said, well, I'm just sensitive right now because my nephew just died six weeks ago and then the music like music starts up it's like i'm like why why are they playing music over

Starting point is 01:13:11 this like horrific moment it's like blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink gretchen goes to the store it's like yeah it was like music cue they're like transitioning into commercial i'm like you don't have to do a transition of music. Just let her say her thing, and then you can quietly go to commercial like you've done before. And then we get to this munchies thing again, and they start the thing we've heard a million times. Darling, one minute

Starting point is 01:13:35 you say you can't walk, and then suddenly you're running through a scavenger hunt. That's all, darling. I believe you had lines, but also that you're, you know, a menopausal pathological liar, darling. It's three diseases, darling. I thought I had lines, but also that you're, you know, a menopausal pathological liar, darling. It's three diseases, darling. I thought I was helping you. Yeah. And Yolanda's like, I don't know how hard

Starting point is 01:13:51 it was for me to summon the energy for the scavenger hunt. I'm like, please. You planned it, you idiot. And then Andy, when Andy's like, Andy's like, yeah, but Yolanda, you know, people on the internet are saying, you're saying you haven't walked in three years and then they show you speed walking and then you say you haven't driven and then they show you driving like yesterday. Jumping off the boat.

Starting point is 01:14:15 And she's like, well, you know, look, when I say I haven't walked or eaten or, you know, felt anything in my feet or you know seen anything or heard anything for a decade you know i just met this year it's like oh okay and then she looks around at everybody like and how dare you accuse me yeah of lying when she's lied a zillion fucking times and no one calls her out on it it's just like oh okay so you're just a pathological liar all right well you were sick once so let's let that go she just keeps lashing out at everyone who questions her. I also like when someone asked Rinna, I think it was Andy probably, about the Instagram photo, all these things, the inconsistencies on Instagram. I was like, Rinna, why did you have problems with Yolanda's Instagram? And I like Rinna's diplomatic response.

Starting point is 01:15:03 She's like, well, it just wasn't inspiring. Like, what? You didn't inspire me, so therefore you must be lying. No, Rinna, just say. The original conversation was I heard people chattering about Yolanda's Instagram not inspiring them. And I thought, this can't stand. You know what I mean? I haven't scrolled for eight years.

Starting point is 01:15:21 I'm a dope freak. Yeah, that was, I was like, Rin're going to just say there were inconsistencies. One moment, one moment you're like sick in bed. The next moment you're jumping off a yacht and there's no hashtag later, Graham. So we know what happened recently. And she did kind of do that because after she was like, it didn't inspire me, baby. She said something to Yolanda. Like she didn't say I didn't buy it, but she did say something like it just didn't seem sincere, something like that.

Starting point is 01:15:47 And Yolanda goes, what didn't you believe? The medical report? The doctor's blood test record? I'm like, Yolanda, you have not had, you have not, you said yourself on national television that you've never had Lyme disease. You've never been bitten by a tick. This is chronic Lyme. This is totally different. and there is not a blood disease you go to the doctor for and get a blood

Starting point is 01:16:08 disease for this. There's one place that's come up with one. It's like thousands of dollars, and it's the one that Hugh Hefner's wife is like, oh my god, I just, I never even knew I got bit by a tick, but now I have chronic Lyme. Get a test. And she's like hashtagging, and you know, they're like advertisers. It's so,

Starting point is 01:16:24 it makes me infuriated so then instead of anybody even going after her for that because look i don't blame them the medical stuff is just cuckoo so then andy turns on rena he's like okay rena let's go yeah so then rena launches into her story this clip has been everywhere for a week and it just cracked me up and i think it's the fifth time i saw this part but Vanderpump you see Rinna like come to life and Vanderpump flinches she's like oh she makes it look like that before she even starts

Starting point is 01:16:51 she's like okay Yolanda here's what happened Yolanda here's what happened you remember it was my birthday you came in with no makeup. Baby.

Starting point is 01:17:08 Yeah, I like that. She mentioned that. You came in no makeup, baby. Maybe she's born with it. Maybe not. No makeup. Maybe she was born with no makeup. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:17:20 You know, I would say to Maybelline, I don't know, Maybelline. Okay, baby. So she goes through this whole thing and she's like, you come in, no makeup, you sit down, Ken Vanderpump says you look terrible, and then Harry, Harry Hamlin, my husband of television's Mad Men, said, do not say that about a sick woman, okay? Because that woman is sick, and we stand up for sick people here, okay? We stand up for the sick people. And then Lisa Vanderpump turned around and said, well, there goes our fucking storyline.

Starting point is 01:17:53 There goes our fucking storyline. She goes, I never would have said, the cameras were rolling. She goes, be quiet, Lisa Vanderpump. This is my moment. This is my moment, okay? By the way, you forgot to mention that when Rinna talked about what Ken said, that Vanderpump. This is my moment. She goes, no. This is my moment. No. By the way, you forgot to mention that when Rinna talked about what Ken said, that Vanderpump goes, but he said it. He didn't say it to her face.

Starting point is 01:18:14 But I know what Lisa said. Ken wasn't making fun of her. He was like, oh, gosh. And that's what Lisa said. It was an observation. He was observing how ill she looked. He was doing her a favor. Yolanda didn't want to look good.

Starting point is 01:18:27 That's why she showed up like that. He was saying she looked sick. He wasn't being a dick. I mean, Ken can be a dick, but he was at that moment. He wasn't. He was not. And Rin is like,

Starting point is 01:18:35 he said you look terrible. My husband said, we're not going to talk about sick people. My moment, Vanderpump. Why do they act like this is a monologue? It's like their vagina monologue, where they each get to to come on and then someone keeps walking into their vagina monologue. Get off the stage. I'm not done with the labia meeting the middle part.

Starting point is 01:18:52 I don't even know the parts of the vagina, so I can't continue that joke. You know, the clavicle and the clitoris. I mean, is the cornhole involved in this at all? At all, this fight? So everybody gets their moment and then the phone fight came out. And then, you know, then you call me and you go, you need to bring it up. You bring up Munchausen. It's the storyline.

Starting point is 01:19:16 So Verena has now changed her story, I think, 16 times. She pulls out the phone records. Like, Anna can coach whatever her name is, from Miami. I love this. Erica, this is like a rare moment of personality. She smiles. She goes, bitch. That's the Erica I want to see more of.

Starting point is 01:19:37 I want to see that. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February.

Starting point is 01:20:07 And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for Black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th.

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Starting point is 01:21:11 that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. And then Yolanda's trying not to laugh and Kyle looks horr horrified because, you know, Kyle is all over those phone records.

Starting point is 01:21:47 If Lisa Vanderpump called her 10 times, you know that Kyle, there's like texts, emails. Kyle just looked terrified this entire reunion. She's like, OK, let's talk about OJ again. Yeah. Well, you know, the thing is that, I mean, did we talk about this last week? Did we say this, that my conspiracy theory is that the producers told Vanderpump, like, this season we're going to really focus on Yolanda's illness and probably questioning what's the story. That was my theory, that the producers sort of chatted with Vanderpump about where they see the season going. And if Lisa said, there goes the fucking storyline, it was probably like a reference to what the producers had told her that they wanted to do.

Starting point is 01:22:24 That's my conspiracy theory based on zilch but i'm a lisa vanderpump apologist i'm mine i'm not even i don't even really have that much of a conspiracy at this point unless you know maybe this is one but i don't think it is i just think all the ladies know that yolanda's full of shit all you have to do is listen to her for more than five minutes before she's already told you a lie so they already know that she's not dealing with a full deck and they were all talking about it and making fun of you know making fun of it as you do yolanda's instagram because it's hilarious and that was it and they talked about it behind lisa brought up the munchausen's part and you know lisa like we've learned a rena i mean on this show when she gets something she just repeats it

Starting point is 01:23:06 over and over changes it over and over and i think that's what happened she was like they they my hairdresser said she has much house and she has much house and kyle i mean that's it i mean read this definition she reads it to kyle and kyle's like oh my god then kyle calls lisa freaking out like okay now rena is saying she's got much house and she read me the definition she's gonna say this shit on tv lisa what do we do she's got Munchausen. She read me the definition. She's going to say this shit on TV, Lisa. What do we do? She's like, darling, well, she can do whatever she wants. So then Rinna comes over. She does the Munchausen monologue.

Starting point is 01:23:32 And then Kyle and Lisa pretend they have no idea what she's talking about. And then Lisa chases her over the bridge and goes, darling, if you think that, speak your truth. Say it. Just say that. But leave us out of it. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:23:46 And then she said, and my theory, remember, is that she said, oh, I thought you were going to drag Kyle into that. Like, thank God. And then Renna hears it as, oh, like, why didn't you drag Kyle into it? And I think that, by the way, you know, I do love you, Renna. I do love you. I do love you, Renna. I do love you, but I sometimes wonder if you are mishearing things or misconstruing things. Is it possible that Vanderpump made a joke at the table, a dry British joke about,

Starting point is 01:24:20 there goes the storyline, and you took it literally? Is it possible that when Vanderpump approached you over the bridge, and it's so hilarious that she has a bridge in her house but that when she approached you over the bridge in her house in the foyer then when she said oh i thought you were gonna drag kyle into it that you interpret it incorrectly and furthermore you love vanderpump used to love vanderpump why have you not left the door open for the possibility that you may have misconstrued the situation? Why don't you give your friend the benefit of the doubt? I know I would give my friend the benefit of the doubt. Why is that not there?

Starting point is 01:24:53 Because she's purposely going after her. I mean she said when she was on the beach with Eileen, like after that, she's like, I switch sides. That's it. I switch sides. That's how they look at it. And so she's either pro-Vanderpump or anti. And if she's anti, she goes for the same things. I mean the stuff that people hate vanderpump for i mean i see it loud and clear i think it's hilarious i love it about her but rena exactly rena takes something and then

Starting point is 01:25:13 she kind of twists it i don't think she's doing it maliciously i think she's just one of those people who when she tells a story it's like this huge embellished stories i am one of those and i think that she just, because even the Harry thing, she's like, remember Harry? Harry was like, oh my God, don't be mean.

Starting point is 01:25:30 And then Harry came out in some blog thing this week and was like, that's not really what I said. She kind of misquoted me. So she's even doing that to her husband. You know she does it

Starting point is 01:25:39 all the damn time. Yeah, and that's, and by the way, and that's human nature. It's not a flaw necessarily of her personality. Everyone hears things differently. Everyone misconstrues things. That's what people do. That's why you have making a murderer. That's why you have these issues where nothing is cut and dry because everyone hears things and interprets things and sees things, remembers things incorrectly and differently. hears things and interprets things and sees things remembers things incorrectly and differently i recently uh was in palm springs and uh my friend was there and uh we were reminiscing on a trip we

Starting point is 01:26:13 took three years ago about when we went to palm springs together and she was like oh my god that was so fun i remember the drive we just like sang and sang and sang and sang and i was like oh my god that was so amazing but privately i was like what are you talking about i drove alone the whole thing was that you were going to drive with me and then you were delayed because of work so i had to drive to palm springs alone and i was so annoyed you know because i had to drive alone but she remembers she specifically remembers us being in the car singing and And that's not even like a misperception. It's not even like a misunderstanding of something, a different, you know, she didn't misconstrue a situation. She fully has a fabricated memory.

Starting point is 01:26:55 Well, maybe she was being gayist and she just remembered some other gay she was in the car with singing. Or maybe I'm remembering wrong. You know, the point is the brain is like a it's a strong powerful thing listen i took psychology 101 okay 101 it's true and it's but it's true the brain fills in gaps in strange interesting ways people don't i think sometimes people underestimate it well the way that i love the one of the biggest things i love about you is you finding the good in everybody because i don't even see any of this. I think that she's just being an asshole because she wants to take down Vanderpump because she started seeing herself as being a sidekick to Vanderpump.

Starting point is 01:27:34 Well, because you know I'm also a Rinna apologist. Yeah. Well, I mean I think they're all dodo birds. That's why I like these shows. And I actually like her now that she's crazy. Like I don't even care what she says. I think it's hilarious And I actually like her now that she's crazy. Like, I don't even care what she says. I think it's hilarious. I was actually most annoyed with Vanderpump at the end of this because most of this is Vanderpump not being able to communicate either.

Starting point is 01:27:53 All she has to say is, Lisa Rinna, you said yourself you brought up Munchausen. Then you brought it up with Kyle. You went to dinner. Kyle called me freaking out. Then you come to me. You're freaking out. Then you do it on camera and you're freaking out and now you're saying i made you say it you'd already said it five or six times you nutcase shut up over there stop acting like i did

Starting point is 01:28:13 something when you've admitted in your own words right now that it was all you who did it well i made you say it on camera what are you retarded what are you a robot come on lisa needs someone to sort of like help her see how to communicate with people better however the the thing that makes lisa so great is that she's in a weird in a way like kind of unfiltered she's her filtering is unfiltered and so if you if you mess that up we may not have the same lovable Lisa. So that's too bad. But either way, when, when Rinna's, when Rinna said that,

Starting point is 01:28:47 Lisa said like, there goes the fucking season, baby. Own it. Uh, Yolanda then was like, ah, ah,

Starting point is 01:28:56 ah, and then just fake tears. It was like the most dramatic, overly dramatic, fake crocodile tears. She runs off. I know. She's so me.

Starting point is 01:29:05 It's so calculated. How could you decide to build an entire storyline about me? And she runs off and Erica runs after her. And then you've got Rinna sitting on the couch

Starting point is 01:29:13 going, There! I did it! I did it! I did it! There! I did it! I did it!

Starting point is 01:29:18 I did it! There! I did it! And then Yolanda doesn't run to her dressing room. She runs into Andy Collins and closes the door. Stupid. So good.

Starting point is 01:29:30 And so Yolanda, that's so how Yolanda thinks. Get me to the executive producer dressing room. Get me to the first possible dressing room. I cannot walk the extra three feet to mine. Yeah, she's like, okay, I've been here like two hours. Time to check out. Yeah. Well, that was a fun talk. I can't believe it lasted that long oh yeah well it was good you know the show always fires us up we always have so many theories conspiracy theories and by the way let us know

Starting point is 01:29:55 what you think um i know a lot of our audience has have a lot of opinions on a lot of these women there are a lot of people who are pro yolanda a lot of people who are anti vanderpump a lot of people who are anti rena and pro rena just like have at it go tear tear them apart tear us apart usually in these shows i get the sides better because they're clear fights like you know what happens you know who's at fault and then sometimes people will like the bitch because maybe they're bitchy or whatever. But this one, the fight is so stupid. I'm like, wait a second. What is this even about? And why are people so mad?

Starting point is 01:30:29 I mean, people are really getting angry with each other on the old internet. They're going nuts. And Eileen is going nuts back at them. Well, not going nuts. People, this is like smarting off back at them. The Bravo blogs have been vicious. The tweeting has been vicious.

Starting point is 01:30:44 The commenters have been vicious. I mean, we've had it on our very own Facebook page, you know. So, but that's the fun of it, right? The fun of it is yelling at people. And then three weeks later being like, wait, why was I so mad? It's like with Big Brother. You know, Big Brother, you get so into it. Like, I fucking hate that person.

Starting point is 01:31:00 I fucking hate that person. A month later, wait, who is that again? Yeah. A month later, I'm like, I'll do him. Yeah, it's like, who am I? Big Brother? I'll do that person A month later Wait who is that again Yeah a month later I'm like I'll do him Yeah it's like Who I do that guy Alright Why don't we go on to Southern Charm

Starting point is 01:31:13 You want a pee break Oh we can do a little pee break I'm so sorry I'll do a quickie Go No pee your heart out Just pee all over the place On the floor

Starting point is 01:31:20 I peed my heart out Yeah Pee it out I don't give a fuck Okay we're back Ronnie peed I looked at. Yeah, pee it out. I don't give a fuck. Okay, we're back. Ronnie peed. I looked at more Prince stories, and I'm still totally in shock. I cannot believe it.

Starting point is 01:31:31 Oh, my God. Stop looking at Prince stories. This is a happy show. It's Patti LuPone's birthday. Why am I looking at the sad? We'll always have purple rain. Why am I looking at the purple rain instead of Patti's sunshine? Well, you know tonight at Patti LuPone's birthday party, she's going to be like, well, I know it's a sad day.

Starting point is 01:31:50 I'd like to start with purple rain, purple rain. I think I feel like you just did Edelweiss. Purple rain, purple rain. Purple rain. She'd be like, in the honor of Prince, I'm going to sing a bat dance. Bat dance.

Starting point is 01:32:16 Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do bat dance. She would, too. That'd be her passive-aggressive way. That'd be her passive aggressive way That would be her passive aggressive way Fine you want to talk about Prince on my birthday fine This is the Prince song you're going to get from me

Starting point is 01:32:30 Bat dance Oh Prince God D to the I to the A to the M O N D S In olden days I glanced was, was talking, was looked on, and something shocking now happened in our house. Prince is dead.

Starting point is 01:32:49 Okay, that's the end of the song. Get out of my house. Cream, get on top. Cream, get on top. For the rest of my life, people will say, hey, happy birthday, Patty. Oh, this is the day that Prince died. Thanks, Prince.

Starting point is 01:33:04 La-da-dee, la-da-da, life goes on. Not for Prince. Not for Prince, Patty. Oh, this is the day that Prince died. Thanks, Prince. La-da-dee, la-da-da, life goes on. Not for Prince. Not for Prince, though. But for Patty Lepone, and isn't that all you need? I would die for you. If I die on my birthday, that'll be something. Too bad I was planning

Starting point is 01:33:19 on Prince singing then. What? I just can't help but wonder if Prince would have sang a Patti LuPone tribute on my death day. But he wouldn't have. That's why I will not sing any of his songs. Hey, little Argentina! She's actually in Argentina on her birthday on a balcony right now, preparing to sing Prince. This is what it sounds like when Patti LuPone cries.

Starting point is 01:33:50 She starts crawling on the floor. Patti. I love that my Patti LuPone impersonation is based solely on yours. It's like twice removed now. I love her so much, I can't help it. She's such an asshole, but I still love her. We are the artists. Oh, God.

Starting point is 01:34:13 When the Krappens glossary is finished, I haven't worked on it in a little bit, but I think Patti LuPone is starting to work her way into the glossary, because she's getting referenced a lot now. But it is her birthday. She hasn't made it into one of the actual shows But we'll put her in there at some point

Starting point is 01:34:26 She will probably show up at the Blue Note On Real Housewives of New York City At some point And Luanne will probably take the mic from her Flamingo party Thank you for having me To your lovely flamingo party Ladies and gentlemen, Morris the Cat

Starting point is 01:34:41 Luanne gets up Okay, if you didn't listen to the bonus episode, we teased it on Tuesday, but we discovered that Luan sounds exactly like Morris the Cat from the Nine Lives cat food commercial in the late 70s and early 80s. Dinner time. Oh, not time for that dinner.

Starting point is 01:35:01 This is not the Plaza Hotel. This is Morocco. Give me Fancy Feast. Not really. dinner this is this is not the plaza hotel this is morocco give me fancy feast not really not really all right so i made i made fancy feast a la francaise southern charm southern charm okay interesting episode i thought mainly again because of thomas and katherine uh when thomas and katherine were not on screen then you know it was fine it's like the it was the breezy fun stuff you know uh craig started with craig doing his hair he's gonna go to his real job working at jd's hotel sorry it's my terrible version of his laugh

Starting point is 01:35:42 let's hope craig doesn't shit the bed again Sorry, that's my terrible version of his laugh. That's how he's throwing up. Let's hope Craig doesn't shit the bed again. Maybe there'll be some bourbon afterwards for some tasting. JD says those guys have everything in his office is spray-painted gold. I know. That ain't gold. Who do you think you're fooling, JD? I know. gold who do you think you're fooling jd i know uh meanwhile uh shep's big news is that uh he

Starting point is 01:36:06 decides he's he wants to do some he wants to get some minor form of gainful employment but that's something like a step up from driving for lyft and uber so he is going to get like cameron's scraps that she can't deal with in terms of real estate um so he's going to do that they're going to go into business together now which sounds like a total disaster um well he can talk plenty of women into having sex with him so maybe he can sell them a house yeah like those two things are the same yeah exactly um but speaking of houses so this is where things start to get interesting thomas ravenel is wandering around his house Trying to figure out which corner he's going to masturbate into tonight And all of a sudden Catherine calls up

Starting point is 01:36:47 And she's like Hey Thomas, erm I've just been looking at houses And I found a house, erm, that I really like And erm, it's in the I want you to see it And oh yeah, I happen to already be in the neighborhood So can I come by?

Starting point is 01:37:01 He's like, well sure, why don't you come on by, Catherine Catherine is that girl who's always just showing up in the neighborhood when she wants something. It's like the second episode in a row where she's like, I just happened to be in the neighborhood. Yeah, that's two episodes in a row. I noticed that as well. It's a little creepy. So Thomas is playing all nice because she has full custody of Kanze. And so he has to play nice otherwise he

Starting point is 01:37:26 doesn't see the baby and after talking with patricia and learn about co-parenting he decides he's gonna try to be civil so he's like yeah come on by come on by come on by nothing says kissing ass like lighting some almost dead febreze candles thomas yeah got these glade candles they're real pretty smelling so um so she comes over and they're so fake nice to each other he's like oh hi you look great this is the one she's like oh thanks thomas so um she laughs at the candles which is funny yeah oh wow you got candles so she she's talking about this mansion and how great it is that she found and it's so wonderful and oh by the way the only thing is i need a co-signer and could thomas do that so this is already such bullshit first of all why don't you have your dad co-sign it your dad is scion to

Starting point is 01:38:18 like some massive fortune okay you're a calhoun this is her she's tricky she thinks she's trickier than she is though she thinks she's gonna get into this house have him sign the lease and then just make him pay the rent and if he doesn't it'll be on his credit and so he'll pay the rent like it's obvious so it's it's an obvious ploy it's a stupid move for someone who's claiming to be like over thomas and wanting to be moving on like that is that's like not what you do if you're moving on if you're moving on you first of all don't get tangled with his financial affairs you don't ask him to co-sign in the house you go to your data data calhoun have him do it for you okay or you just stay in your freaking apartment like

Starting point is 01:39:03 the rest of us she made these babies so she would never separate from Thomas. She's doing it on purpose. And she even admits it later in this episode. It's like, oh, geez. Yeah. And, you know, I don't, you know, I'm not in the habit of blaming the lady who gets knocked up and being like, oh, she was the trap. But she kind of was the trap in this case. She is trapping him.

Starting point is 01:39:23 That's what that. Well, yeah, she's literally trapping him. I'm not... It's both their... I shouldn't say faults, but I mean, it's the sperm and the egg that makes the baby, of course. Of course.

Starting point is 01:39:31 But it's ultimately the woman's decision whether to keep it or what to do. I mean, that's how it is in the world, right? Exactly. The woman can decide that stuff. And she's keeping it, and she wants the money. And I don't even blame her.

Starting point is 01:39:40 I think he should be paying her more, and I think that he should do all this. He should be, for sure. He's a slimeball. He's a slimeball. Oh, yeah, he's but i can i know i can't fix a man but you know you can't give women advice and the advice is don't be getting pregnant with someone that has not already come through on their promises he's obviously a slime bag he's coming through to do shit he's coming through with something that's not promises so um katherine so so he thomas is like a co-sign and then she starts

Starting point is 01:40:07 doing this whole sob story about like well it's just that like you have such a big house and they have such a nice lavish place here and i don't want the kids to come back to me and then just it's not fair to go back and forth between the big house and small house and they're gonna be wondering oh my god like oh this is just what i have and all right well give me custody van exactly well i love that thomas though his his first like um sidestep is like well it's not really about the money it's about the love yeah he's a politician through and through he's like look at you i loved you and you were poor so so then so so of course thomas has to like grin and bear it he sees what she's doing but he's not he's not just you know he's gonna play at this also so he's like sure sure i'll co-sign i think that's a wonderful idea and look

Starting point is 01:40:59 you'll be so close to be right over the ravenel bridge that's great i can see kinsey anytime i want now yeah i was like oh people who were listening heard that he made it sort of sound like look how now that you're close now i can visit all the time but it's really him being like i'm getting you this house so i'm coming over now don't miss me out and she's like well whatever i have to do to just get him to sign i think i'm making a deal with the devil look you might as well make a deal with the devil you fucked him for two babies came out so make a deal yeah seriously so then we go over to patricia who's um planning her flamingo trying to put together a flamingo that shit was hilarious that was cracking me up what what she just kept looking at it and banging

Starting point is 01:41:43 the metal against the flamingo. I love all her crafting endeavors that are born out of boredom in that old house. Today, Whitney, today I put together a flamingo. It was great. It reminded me of you putting together your re-knob guitar. The re-knob guitar. She is getting ready for this flamingo party and of course she has to have some gay come over in a big flamingo scarf and he's like patricia i cannot wait to do this party for you look at this fabric and it's like the gayest most southern fabric ever it's like oh yes i like that yes that's very lovely it's like okay

Starting point is 01:42:26 dear he's talking to her like she's some old idiot she's you know she loves that shit she does and she's like by the way i thought i was buying 12 little baby flamingos i bought 144 by accident this is the drama in her life because you know she goes on Amazon and searches flamingo, and it's like, one flamingo, $900. She's like, I'll take it. Well, it turned out to be a crate. I mean, these things are cheap as the Dickens. So here's my problem. I thought I was getting 144 inflatable flamingos.

Starting point is 01:43:02 Turns out I actually bought 144 real life flamingos from club med so you'll just have to deal with that and the gay is like well then i suppose we're gonna have have to have somebody over here with super-sized lungs to get those blown up i thought that was you darling meanwhile you can oh sorry no she's really gonna make him do it yeah she is party is gonna be that poor fat dude standing out there blowing up a hundred flaming no he'll be passed out in the cobblestones of charleston as the tour groups go by and like what's that like don't mind me i'm just blowing up more flamingos from miss patricia another gay dies in the heat giving a blow job you know that thank you

Starting point is 01:43:46 for watching meanwhile you know that cooper's like in the corner furious that he was not the gay who was assigned to this task he's no way they're in probably like a like a monk's robe like you know plotting his revenge he is and because he's that's really cold because that's so fucking patricia too she's like you want to talk to katherine well then we'll just see how that works out for my flamingo party and your involvement young man doesn't act now that i think about it uh with cooper in a robe doesn't he sort of look like what is what's his face senator palpatine or emperor palpatine from star wars the bad guy look up look at. There's so many people in Star Wars I can never remember who's who.

Starting point is 01:44:28 He's the really bad guy. Emperor Palpatine. They're all bad. No, but he's super bad. Look up... Oh my god, he looks exactly like him. Look up the Emperor. Cooper is the most dangerous person in the galaxy.

Starting point is 01:44:44 It all makes sense. Darth Sidious. Don't be Darth Sidious, darling. Darth Sidious. He's Emperor Palpatine. Oh, poor guy. He really screwed himself over. For what?

Starting point is 01:44:57 A friendship with Catherine. You know that girl's calling you 20 times a day like, you won't believe what happened. I was in the grocery store and I saw somebody I knew there. And then they said, hi, it was upsetting. They know we're not friends. And he's like, well, I have to tell you something. My friend, Darth, his entire planet just got destroyed.

Starting point is 01:45:18 Well, my husband, my son would never stab me in the stomach. I'll tell you that much. You know what, Catherine, this is what you do. Someone speaks up to you. my son would never stab me in the stomach. I'll tell you that much. He's perfect. Catherine, this is what you do. Someone speaks up to you, you get a lightsaber and you just slice his hand off. That's what my friend Darth did to his son. Because if you think about it,

Starting point is 01:45:37 Darth would be Cooper's gay friend in Charleston. Darth. Darth and Cooper. Cooper Palpatinepatine flamingo party uh you know darth and luke had a big falling out yeah the more you talk about star wars the more it really does sound like just gossip from a gay bar i keep telling luke you just can't be upset with me that your father decided to leave and

Starting point is 01:46:07 become the evil mastermind of the universe okay it's not mommy's fault did you see java the hut the other day my god he has gained so much weight he is just locking up women right now he is just out of control he is not coming to my flamingo party let me tell you something job of the hut is disinvited all right dis and but no flamingos have you seen his table manners and i'll tell you another thing i don't want any of those stupid robots coming either you have to be a human being a robot so i don't want michael to feel threatened robots walking around with martinis what about chewbacca can chewbacca come to the flamingo party i don't know he is awful whitney turn down your music, darling. I love you. Enough is enough. Well, Mother Renob is going to be opening up at the Star Wars canteen tonight.

Starting point is 01:47:10 Well, fine. End of modern civilization, if you ask me. Hey, Chewbacca just sent me an emoji of a gold cup and wanted to come over and have some sex. Whitney, would you tell that elephant keyboardist guy in your band if he would come and do the music for the flamingo party please but not his wife I hate that bitch I hope Leia does not come because I just do not want any drama at my party I love me I love princess Leia but I just cannot be around her with that mom haircut. Please do not invite her. We don't do it like that in the South.

Starting point is 01:47:50 Are you a man? Tell Darth, though, that he can bring anyone he wants. Princess Leia thinks she can run an army. Look around the paintings in this house and tell me if you see one woman holding that Confederate flag, darling.

Starting point is 01:48:06 You know who I do hope comes to the Flamingo party is that wonderful Lando Calrissian. He is just a doll. You know that little ball thing with another little ball on his head? Do not bring him in here. This is not a party for balls on balls, okay? That's how I got me in the first place so patricia's coming out with an entertaining book she's like i got a book deal because i throw fabulous parties in the south like you're throwing a party based around blow-up flamingos you bought on Amazon. By accident. By accident.

Starting point is 01:48:46 By accident. So meanwhile, Landon is playing golf with her dad. By the way, her dad looks a lot like a Disney character. He's like a retired dwarf from Snow White and the Seven. Yeah, he looks like the guy who is running like the shoe shop and you know when bell was coming down the street actually they both kind of she sort of has a disney quality to her to her too so they are um they're playing golf and she's talking about how much she loves her dad and afterwards they're having cocktails and landon starts talking about what she wants to do with

Starting point is 01:49:19 her life and she's like well i was thinking about opening up a private bourbon club. And before I do that, though, do an online gentleman's magazine. And then, like, you know, people can watch that. And that would, like, raise revenue for opening the club. I'm like, lady. I was thinking of that. And I was thinking, you know what people like to do when they go online? They like to take a break and go play some putt-putt. So maybe a mini golf course.

Starting point is 01:49:39 I don't know, skee-ball. You like skee-ball, Dad? And then I was thinking, like, you know, what's more fun to do with Pop-Pop than have ice cream? So I thought, how about I make some ice cream cones? I'm going to do homemade ice cream cones. And he says, honey, you just need to pick one. Nah, I don't have to pick one dream. Like, I'm not that girl.

Starting point is 01:49:57 I can pick, like, 20 dreams. Like, why do I need to pick one dream? And he's like, don't worry. God takes care of kids and fools which one am i he just takes a drink he does but i actually i actually felt bad for as we're making fun of her but during her confessional i actually she was really kind of emotionally bare and she was saying how like you know she's 30 she's not doing anything with her life. She's divorced. She doesn't have money. Some days she wakes up, she's ready to take over the world. She thinks

Starting point is 01:50:31 she's going to like do everything. And some days she just can't get out of bed. And then she starts to cry. She's like, I'm just trying to do the best that I can. And I was like, Oh, Landon, I was like, it was such a, I thought it was actually such a relatable moment. I think we've all been there. I know I've been there, you know, and in many ways, as we said before, many ways this podcast has sort of saved me. So I really felt,

Starting point is 01:50:50 I felt bad for poor Landon there. Yeah, I did too. I mean, I like Landon. She seems like a nice girl, but anybody who laughs and smiles that much has manic depression. Any,

Starting point is 01:50:59 like I've never met somebody that laughy who's not going home and sobbing all night. Yeah. Landon Calrissian, if you will. She's like, but dad, for these dreams, okay, I'll pick three dreams and then you can give me money, right? He's like, well, honey, you know I've got the money,

Starting point is 01:51:17 but just giving you money wouldn't be fair. To the money. It wouldn't be fair to the money. If I'm going to give money to someone, it's got to go to someone that the money's going to lack. But dad, that singer said that dreams can come true. You just got to have them.

Starting point is 01:51:35 Oh, dad. Well, he passed away this morning, unfortunately. Oh. He's kidding. It was a long time ago. So let's see so then uh thomas so katherine calls up thomas my ringer would be this ring ring ring ring ring so katherine calls up thomas she's like thomas thomas patricia's having a flamingo party and i don't know why i'm

Starting point is 01:52:08 not invited i feel left out why shouldn't i want to be there so thomas of course is still on his best behavior like well you should absolutely be there you definitely should be there catherine and she's like thank you i think that too Thank you very much for saying that, Thomas. Thomas is like, well, it's not just about you. I don't want my children to be excluded. Okay. Well, your children aren't invited to the flamingo party. So he doesn't want her to be there.

Starting point is 01:52:36 That's for sure. But he is like, you know, gritting his teeth and smiling through it like a good Southern man. Yep. And also, did you notice how fake and phony she was on that phone call? She's like, hi, Thomas. Whoa. Never heard that inflection in your voice ever. How are you, darling?

Starting point is 01:52:55 Great. I'm great, Thomas. You fucking liar. Can I go to the party, Thomas? Why would you want to go to that party? Listen, this woman has not said anything nice to you. First of all, she's way older than you. Second of all, she's not your contemporary.

Starting point is 01:53:09 She's not your friend. She doesn't care for you. You slept with her son. And on top of that, the son has been even worse to you than she has. Why would you ever want to go to this party? Have some dignity. She wants to stay on TV. She can't do that unless she's in the scenes exactly but she has all these like these demonstrations

Starting point is 01:53:28 of dignity like i will not stand here this is i'm not staying here i'm not saying i'm gonna go you know but you know it would be more dignified as not going in the first place oh man a woman that woman having a breakdown by the porta potty was just the best thing i've seen i know we're gonna get to that in a moment. So first there was Craig went ring shopping for a pre-engagement ring. So stupid. And then we're back to Thomas. Exfoliating with a hot pink exfoliation brush.

Starting point is 01:54:00 Yeah. Please put on your clothes, Thomas. Tom, yes. I know you used to work out. You don't anymore. I'm not fat shaming you. I'm shirt shaming you. Put on a shirt.

Starting point is 01:54:07 I think he looks, considering his age, I think he looks actually pretty good. But I love what he said about Catherine at this point. He's just talking about her, and he's like, I think a lot of Southern women know good etiquette, good breeding. But with Catherine, those are not her strengths. Unfortunately, those women won't sleep with me after a couple drinks at a bar, so I end up with people like Catherine in my home. Yeah. By the way,

Starting point is 01:54:32 Catherine's so funny because season one, she was this mysterious, beautiful, red-headed girl, wasn't even part of the main cast. She sort of came through and everyone was like, ooh, Catherine, Catherine, Catherine. And seeing where she is now is actually kind of an epic arc, right? It really is yeah and it's sort of terrible for women it's a terrible thing for women it's like if you see a hot girl

Starting point is 01:54:50 be careful because this is what's gonna happen it's totally she got her hooks in real quick and he's so stupid he got his hooks into because he got some young little girl he can torture the rest of her life you know yeah yeah I mean he's he's at fault as well but it's just like you know there there's this image of what women what what women are you know the like there's there are these ideas of what women are which you know feminists and women at large have been trying to debunk for years and years and then someone like kathleen comes along and just gives all the chauvinists you know just just more ammunition you know yeah pretty much except that he is one of the assholes that people are always weren't the feminists are always warning each other about i mean exactly this guy is he's putting on white jeans which i'm sorry sorry babe no offense but

Starting point is 01:55:36 he's putting on white jeans and then he's like rubber banding his dick so he has like his dick sticking out to go see patricia like he had obviously done something to his dick. I couldn't stop. I was like, what is it around? I was trying to see if I could see like a band, like a rubber band line or something. I'm like, what are you doing? Making your dick look as big as possible to go see Patricia, you fucking weirdo. Locks up some teenager, then doesn't pay for the baby.

Starting point is 01:55:59 And then when he does have to, it's like a pittance. A pittance. A pittance. A pittance. A pittance. So Thomas goes over to see Patricia, basically to ask if Catherine can come. And he brings her a candle the size of a trash can as like a peace offering. Did you notice that his pants were the same color as Michael's jacket? Michael's like, hello, sir.

Starting point is 01:56:20 Welcome to Patricia's home. I have her waiting in the library. She's in the library. Just please have a seat in the gigantic couch that will swallow you up. Please have a seat between the empty books and the paintings of little dogs. I brought your dog napkins. So then I like Thomas's plea to Patricia about Catherine. He's like, you know, she's made remarkable progress,

Starting point is 01:56:48 as if she's just some inmate at a mental institution, which she probably should be. She's made massive progress. Yeah. Well, she's worked her way through my bank account. It's only the first year. She only slurs for three hours of the day instead of seven I've only insisted on meeting in this

Starting point is 01:57:08 here library to make sure that Catherine can't find me but I love Patricia and she's just sitting there and she doesn't give a shit she's like no no she's not coming my friends are gonna be there and she's right by the way I'm sorry but my final word is no

Starting point is 01:57:24 that girl doesn't need to be going to parties. She needs to be staying home and taking care of that baby. God. Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't know if, like, I agree with, like, she has to be home taking care of the baby, but I agree with her being like, I don't want her at my party, and therefore she won't be here.

Starting point is 01:57:42 Good for you, Patricia. But she looks so lovely ma'am oh i know what you're doing you are the most gorgeous thing i've ever seen oh thomas no how about i donate 300 more flamingos to the pool then can she come no and he says well you're a strong woman and she says i am strong i didn't get where I am by not being strong. Lady, you got where you are by fucking rich dudes. Like, your back is strong, okay? We're not talking about your spine right now.

Starting point is 01:58:14 She literally meant she did not get down from upstairs to the library without being strong. Because normally she has Michael carry her. I've made it all the way down the stairs and managed to turn on the fan between my coochlets. Whitney's hiding under my caftan. I'm breastfeeding Whitney as I speak. Don't tell me I don't know about good mothering. So now it's time for polo, okay?

Starting point is 01:58:50 Thomas is having a polo match at brookland for a long time i like it i kept on thinking they were saying brooklyn but brookland which is his plantation um so it's time for polo and i would like to say my new favorite b-roll cutaway is as a crab there was like a little crab that went skittering across the screen for no reason i'm like crab is the new fawn people crab is the new fawn baby baby own it baby own it crab crab baby invited her out earlier he said i'm playing polo you want to come watch me play polo and then we'll go out after and she said yes and then she bitched the entire time with her poor put-upon friend jennifer jennifer oh that's her name i couldn't remember this shit forever i couldn't remember jennifer's name i kept on calling her janet i was like i think she's janet she looks like a janet um catherine this is typical catherine jennifer comes to pick her up to drive her okay that's

Starting point is 01:59:40 the first thing in a maserati because that's you know now her driver so she comes to pick her up and she's like katherine's like oh raising babies is so hard i'm fucking pregnant man i need some damn help like as her babies at her feet she's like cursing like a sailor i know and jennifer is doing everything she's putting her in the car exactly exactly and i love that also katherine always dresses kinsey like she's from the 1870s like kinsey was like a full-on 19th century nightgown that was like some little house on the prairie shit right there it was it's crazy like god gives people two babies wait god gives babies to two people because it takes two people to take care of the babies and themselves. I'm like, I love that you're like fucking the Virgin Mary now.

Starting point is 02:00:30 And God has given you these babies now every week. As if you weren't just fucking some old dude. Oh, man. It makes me feel bad for people with fertility issues that they have to watch this. They have to watch this girl pop out child after child and fling them in the back with Maserati. I mean, it's painful. It's painful. You're in a casino for three days and some asshole who's never been to Vegas before sits down and hits like the progressive nickel machine lotto.

Starting point is 02:00:56 Nickel machine. Nickel's falling out all over the place. So, nickel's from heaven. So, over the polo field jd jd jd and um his wife i forget her name is it emily elizabeth elizabeth so they're there because they're the godparents and last time we heard like like on the season premiere elizabeth had been trying to reach out to Catherine, but Catherine had cut her off, like was not responding, whatever. And Catherine had told us that, that she's like, well, they are

Starting point is 02:01:30 Thomas's friends. So I don't trust her because I feel like anything I say is gonna go directly to Thomas. So Catherine cut these people out, you know, even though they never said either way, how they would take sides or whatever. Um um so they're there and they're looking they're like excited to see the baby because that's like their goddaughter and they have like three or four kids themselves they're like children people they're like children they get it you know they understand how to play with kids and stuff and although jd is kind of i like jd but sometimes he says things that i'm just like like when was like, we're gonna get some cuddle time with Kinsey. Yeah. Hey,

Starting point is 02:02:08 Kinsey has agreed to give me $25,000 for my La Quinta Inn. I said, I said, I said, Kinsey, we're making a nursery for you. I said. So, so Catherine and Jennifer arrive at the polo grounds

Starting point is 02:02:24 and then Catherine loses her shit. She's like, I told Thomas this is supposed to be a family day. He invited a whole party. I have a child here. God, your child was born in a womb full of franzia, and now you're upset about Kinsey being around drinks? Also, I just noticed that she named her kid Kinsey. Isn't that the name of like the sex therapist?

Starting point is 02:02:49 Yes. Little on the nose there, don't we think, Dullen? No, she doesn't care about the booze around the kid. That was just an excuse. She was mad because I think she just wanted, I don't even know. I mean, she saw that JD and Elizabeth were there and she's like, she's angry

Starting point is 02:03:04 at them even though she was the one who pushed them away. And she was upset. She said, I told Thomas it's supposed to be a family day. Like, I don't think you get to call those shots, my love. It's a polo match. It's not a family day. There's a ton of people there, you dodo. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:03:17 And on top of that, you guys are not in a relationship together. You don't get to call those shots. The family day is supposed to be that the three of you are together with Kinsey. That's the family day-ness of it, but it's not like only Ravenel's and Calhoun's are going to be there. Well, she also brought a friend. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:03:39 Yes, exactly. The woman who hooked up with Thomas already. I guess that does make her family. And they've got a nanny inexplicably dressed like a nurse. You're so right. She totally brought Jennifer to family day. Oh my God. So why is it okay for you and it's not okay for anybody else?

Starting point is 02:03:54 She just wants to have a fit. She can't even fake it one entire episode and not be an asshole. She just starts throwing a fit and nobody knows what she's talking about. They're like, hello, darling. Oh, lovely to see you she's like i need to go to the bathroom and then she like goes into the porta potty and that long dress which could not have helped the situation and then she comes out she's like that's it no i won't do this yeah well elizabeth is putting a shoe on kinsey kinsey's like thank

Starting point is 02:04:20 god someone's finally putting a shoe on me properly but uh and then katherine's like, thank God, someone's finally putting a shoe on me properly. And then Catherine's like, are you serious? No, no. I'm like, you should be happy. You were the one just complaining that it's so hard being a mom. You should be so happy that someone else is taking care of your kid for this moment. Enjoy it. Relax. Put your feet up.

Starting point is 02:04:37 Jesus. You're the one who wanted to go to the flamingo party. Now you're mad that there's a party at the Polo Grand. What do you want? Do you want parties? Do you want no parties? Like, literally, I don't get it. Like, literally, my wall is up.

Starting point is 02:04:45 My wall is up. She doesn't know. I think she just wants to have fits on camera. But I was cracking up because she actually said at this point, she's like, oh, well, Thomas, you want to play checkers, Thomas? Fine. I'll play chess. I'm taking Kenzie out of here. And I have full custody.

Starting point is 02:05:04 I don't care what he thinks. So she's blatantly like, okay, if he's not going to do what I want him to, then he's not going to get to see his children, which is what everybody's been accusing her of this whole time. Exactly. And you know what happens, by the way? If you're playing checkers and someone puts chess pieces down, you know what your response usually is? It's like, are you crazy? What the hell is wrong with you? You're a crazy person. You don't even understand the game that's being played here.

Starting point is 02:05:26 You're so deranged. Catherine, I don't want to make you upset, but why are you putting Scrabble words down on the checkers board? Well, that's what you get, Thomas. Catherine, I'm not going to trade you my three wheat for an S and an X. It doesn't work that way, okay? Get the Scrabble pieces off the Catan board Why do you keep looking at your phone? I'm trying to swipe the fruit Thomas

Starting point is 02:05:49 I will win this chess He's like no darling that's fruit ninja Concentrate I'm just waiting for I'm just waiting for a T to come down Honey there are no T's or C's Or B's or any letters in candy crush she starts playing like karaoke games please stop singing i will win tell me yes so then

Starting point is 02:06:13 catherine is all you know she has this bullshit thing about like kansi can't been there drinking i'm like what do you think your breast milk is is like made of it's like entirely schnapps okay so so then uh so she gives kinsey to the the nanny and the nanny's like i broke my pinot she's giving birth i'm so sorry i broke my pinot got that nobody let a match the floor is highly flammable at the moment. But she's like, I love the nanny's like, all right, I'll just go get my Chevy. I'm like, listen, are you going to buy the nanny a Maserati? Because I don't know if this baby's going to be able to handle going from a Maserati to a Chevy to a Maserati. Thomas better co-sign for a new car.

Starting point is 02:07:07 Well, we had two children, but they had brain aneurysms when they had to get into a Chevy. Yeah. By the way, I have a question. If it's family day at the plantation, why is it so wrong that JD and Elizabeth were there? They're the godparents. I mean, that's like essentially family. But I am not talking to them. Which they don't even know.

Starting point is 02:07:23 They're like, what's wrong with her? No one even knows what's wrong. They have no idea. And then she runs off in the Chevy. And Thomas is like, where's my baby? Where's my baby? It was like all of a sudden very Tennessee Williams. The dingo took my baby.

Starting point is 02:07:37 The baby. The baby. The fucking dingo's in a Chevy, babe. So his response is, well, fine. If she's going to his response is well fine if she's gonna if she's gonna take away the baby if she's gonna play these games i'm gonna take away our house and the sad part is i was like yeah i was like oh god i can't believe i'm feeding into this craziness they're the same you can't root for either thomas or katherine because they're both wrecks and they're both awful but in this case i can root for i think thomas is on the right in this one because she's

Starting point is 02:08:05 essentially extorting him for a a what's it called an extortion when he made the babies he should pay for a damn house for his babies yeah so fucker and i like when he's like where's my baby she needs facetime with a father well then get her off an Android phone, you cheap motherfucker. Get your baby an iPhone. So that was this week's Southern Charm. Pretty entertaining. Pretty fun. Pretty fun.

Starting point is 02:08:36 Well, let's watch people ruin each other's lives. Okay, why don't we move on to Real Housewives of New York City, which I watched in New York City. So meta. Okay. Okay. Oh, Real Housewives of New York. which i watched in new york city so meta okay okay oh real housewives in new york so it starts like that was actually the sound of john's footsteps it's like title comes up dorinda's bra party which i thought was hilarious intense music for the bra party.

Starting point is 02:09:12 So Dorinda and Jules are outside smoking, and Dorinda's furious and drunk as hell. Yeah. Not cool. Not cool. I was not cool, Jules. And then Jules already hates Bethany. She's like, yeah. Well, actually, it's Bethany that started it, so you should be going after Bethany. I mean, not Ramona.

Starting point is 02:09:24 She's like, yeah, but Ramona knows me for 20 years. She's such a drunk. Like, that's the exact statement that a total drunkard would say. Anything. Know me for 20 years. My car. I've had my car for 20 years and didn't do that before. No, you're on a four-year lease.

Starting point is 02:09:44 I know there's a 20-year lease i know there's a 20 year lease on my car like way too angry like calm down she starts shaking like she's gonna explode uh so jules hates bethany bethany hates jules which i'm already loving because i don't really like either one of them either so rip each other to shreds bitch um jules uh making the entire audience hate her in one fell swoop i've never seen fights like that like especially with the elderly yeah with the elderly i couldn't believe she said that and she wasn't even trying to be funny she's like well you know the elderly you know with those old fat ladies you know they must be they must be like 99 pounds i mean mean, God, they must be so embarrassed.

Starting point is 02:10:26 I haven't checked the Twitter yet, but I'm sure she's getting a lot of hate for that one. And God bless her. Well, actually, God wouldn't bless her because guess who's the most elderly? God. He's all offended. How dare you? I'm sorry. That's God.

Starting point is 02:10:44 So Bethany is talking. Who is she? Jules makes remote. Jules makes somebody go apologize. What the hell? Be bra. Okay, I'll take the bra. I'll take it for you.

Starting point is 02:10:55 Oh, yeah. So back upstairs, Bethany, the little bra lady is like, so here's how a boob works. And then you put it in here. Okay, okay, okay. Whatever. I'll take the bra. Like what? I'll take it for you. Okay? I'll take it for you, okay?

Starting point is 02:11:05 I'll take it for you. I did that for you. All right, just go away now. Just go away. My bra. My bra. All right, now look. I know I came to you too hard, Dorinda.

Starting point is 02:11:12 I'm so sorry. I went too far, okay? I went too far. All I'm saying is that you're a drunk and your boyfriend's disgusting. Yeah, does that sound better now? Like literally, like you're just drunk. You're like, he's drunk.

Starting point is 02:11:23 Like you're a drunk. You're like, you're drunk together. You're both're both disgusting you know he's a mouth he's a mouth breather okay he looks like a boulder okay like but not like a cool boulder he's like he's like a boulder you don't like a boulder that comes rolling he's like it's like indiana jones like riddance of the lost ark okay it's like it's like where's the ark i don't see an ark like where are the arks like what are they talking about where's noah like it's like it doesn't make sense okay well actually now that we're back to no's Ark, that probably smelled like John. So that's all I'm saying.

Starting point is 02:11:46 We don't need two of John's, okay? John smells like he's got two of every kind of animal ever born inside of him. And they're all burping and farting at the same time. Literally, we need to rain. We just need to wash out the John. Go to California. Send the flood to California.

Starting point is 02:12:02 They need the water. And John can just stay there and just take it. Okay, El Nino. I don't know. I don't to California. They need the water and John can just stay there and just take it. Okay. I'll need you. I don't know. I don't get it. Oh, and then she's telling us her boyfriend sleazy there.

Starting point is 02:12:11 You know, I've been through it. I know. I know what it's like to have sleazy people, you know? So I'm sensitive to sleaze balls. Look, your husband,

Starting point is 02:12:20 I guess he's not the most chivalrous man in the world, but your husband was not a sleaze ball. He was not sleazy. He was not. He was some guy who couldn't take your crazy ass and is not going to live in a poor house just because you decided to be a batch yeah sleazy is jim belino sleazy is uh what's his face from when he strangled his wife on the plane yeah jim marchese what was the name of uh what's the name of the guy the thumb guy from secrets and wives michael. Why are they all fat? Like, what is it about being fat and sleazy at the same time?

Starting point is 02:12:49 I mean, what the hell? Yeah. Even Simon's got a muffin top. Yeah. I'm sure there are some skinny, sleazy guys somewhere. There better be, because this is fattest. Bravo is being fattest. They're like, all the awful people are fat.

Starting point is 02:13:09 You know, I have to say, Mauricio on Beverly Hills, he rides a fine line between being hot and sleazy. He really does. You're hot, babe. Yeah, look at you. Yeah, I'm looking at your butt. Yeah, I'm so hot, babe. When he has an open shirt and his chest hair is coming out and he's got a little gold necklace hanging there, it starts to cross the line. Yeah, he's like little armenia the guy who shows up that owns the auto store he doesn't actually work there but he whips out like

Starting point is 02:13:31 that you know stack of hundreds good with the open shirt yeah it's a little yeah so jules and carol's have carol's la la la la la and then christmasmas carols come by at the bra party john calls them all slags and hits them yeah so anyway you were saying carol and jules uh are talking about who's skinnier jules really does look you know like she has a problem yeah she's got some she's she's she's skinny she's not anorexia shaming you. I'm anorexia priding you. Because that is a very difficult disease to keep. Yeah, that's some dedication. The amount of tea that she has to drink is unparalleled.

Starting point is 02:14:14 The amount of poop tea. So they are talking about who's skinnier. And Carol's like, I know we just met, but I'm sorry. You're a toothpick. She's like, oh, look. Everyone says that, that I'm too skinny, but I still get my period. Carol's like, it scares me that you would even say that. So now it is Ramona and Bethany trying to decide how Ramona has to apologize. Yes.

Starting point is 02:14:41 Because like a Vanderpump, she has to be trained. She can't do it. But she's but she's not as good when when lisa vanderpump got her training she executed actually pretty well but with ramona bethany was like listen all you have to do is say i'm really sorry i didn't you know i really love you i didn't mean to say this in front of everyone okay and i'm really sorry i'm sorry for the way i said it ramona's like okay. Sermona walks up like a robot, as Bethany later mentioned. And she's like, I'm really sorry.

Starting point is 02:15:08 I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said that in front of you. I love you. One of my best friends. Then just walked away. She walks off and goes, I need a drink now. Give me a drink, okay? Okay.

Starting point is 02:15:16 I need a glass of wine now. That was hard. Okay. Okay. Dorinda's just sitting there seething. Yeah. Dorinda does not like that. Then we get to Jules, and b dorinda bethany and

Starting point is 02:15:28 jules okay so now here we are back at the same exact place again they're all sitting yeah they've not left this weird couch situation is so that because at this point ramona's actually left right she's actually left the party oh yeah ramona's like okay bye like you took that bottle of wine and got the hell out of it yeah she's like are there any dresses around okay bye i'm sorry bye hey do you have a to-go thing i could put a brand for mario just in case not that i care so they start having this thing now jules is trying to be the heather where she's trying to like fix everything and maybe she meant this shut up jules you're not involved in anything go sit down okay you're painful enough to watch in your own scenes without ruining the group scenes too yeah yeah uh so she's trying but then of course bethany and

Starting point is 02:16:13 dorinda you're not gonna ever speak with those two no absolutely ramona this cast talks so much because this is where it wasn't this more bethany starts to say for the first of many times this episode like you should be madder at me you should be madder at me. You should be madder at me. She's your friend. Like, I'm not like your real. Actually, she said it last week, too, at one point. She's like, listen, she's your real friend. I'm not even your real friend.

Starting point is 02:16:33 I'm just, you should be mad at me. Yeah. And Dorinda's like, I'm not right with Ramona dead. I'm like mafia. I live by the sword I die by. And Bethany's just like, what does that mean it's like a mirror you know you know when you crack the mirror you can still use it

Starting point is 02:16:50 but it's cracked I'm like who uses a cracked mirror yes the mirror's ruined you don't fix a cracked mirror you look at it and you're like why is my face in two different places you better back it up mirror you better back it up mirror mirror on the wall who's the most cracked of them all back it up, mirror. You better back it up. Mirror, mirror on the wall.

Starting point is 02:17:05 Who's the most cracked of them all? Back it up now. Hey, be careful what you say, mirror. Be careful what you say. So she's dying by swords or something. And Bethany never stops. She's just ready to attack her for something else. Like, okay, was that fun?

Starting point is 02:17:21 Did you enjoy the heroin in the bathroom? Whatever you're doing in there? So John calls, trying to stupidly answer it on speaker. And he's like, hey, Dullin, tell me bitch you talk smack about me. He's just already on a rant.

Starting point is 02:17:37 He's already just like, whatever those bitches serve about me. Whoa. Oh, what? Is he talking about me right now with the smack oh he called us bitches oh that's great you know why don't you tell him to take his viagra and then just you know come fuck with us this weekend for six hours in a row why don't you tell him that yeah and by the way john is stupid because he's you know about to lock horns with bethany

Starting point is 02:18:00 and uh locking horns with bethany is not the same as locking horns with ramona or luann i mean bethany is tough she is she is just pure and she saw her mom get dragged across the kitchen floor on a daily basis i think so like she she does not go down without a fight and uh john is not yeah and she also does not get where she is without being tough as nails so yeah she doesn't really feel things either unless it has to unless it involves her she has a sharp tongue yeah and a quick brain like um i don't know your you know your dog died or whatever and she back but you know you bury it that's what you do you know from dirt to dust what do you expect dogs die that's what happens you know prince dies dogs die that's what happens we You know, Prince dies, dogs die. That's what happens. We all die.

Starting point is 02:18:46 Like, what, you want some sympathy from me? Like, get over it. It's like your dog. Or, you know what, get another one. Or a birthday party. Ooh, I can't believe you would do that to me. So, this conversation's fucked. John is making it worse. Dorinda's finally starting to calm down.

Starting point is 02:19:00 And now she's like, don't come up here, John. I'm telling you, don't come up here, John. Don't do it. Back it up. So, he's like, Ram't come up here, John. I'm telling you, don't come up here, John. Don't do it. Back it up. He's like, Ramona's in here trying to figure out how to work a goddamn elevator. Get her out of here. What?

Starting point is 02:19:13 It's not coming. I'm sorry. I wish Aviva were here. Shoot now. So then John winds up at the door, but he's not allowed in. Oh, no, I'm sorry. That was later when he was at the door saying things, right? Yeah, John was at the door a lot in this episode so he spent a lot of time he's pretending his boutique how did john even know about like how did john even know about all this stuff like who's the rat who comes to a bra party who comes to a bra party so women with

Starting point is 02:19:41 bras what sort of what do you have a vagina do you have breasts why are you at a bra party you want to do some lines what sort of man wants to go see women in bras anyway not anyone that I date that's for sure so he comes up

Starting point is 02:19:59 Jules is like oh my god I need a quadruple bypass well while the doctor's here here comes John. Like, do you still have any heart muscle left? Is everyone behaving tonight? Everyone behaving tonight? So Bethany immediately starts.

Starting point is 02:20:16 You're a little bit lit up right now, huh? Yeah, she's lit up, huh? Because she already does not like him. She does not like what she heard on the phone. So he's like, yeah, a little hopped up, huh? You want to do some lines? You've been doing some lines, huh? Huh?

Starting point is 02:20:27 Huh? Blow some rails and talk about this, huh? So he is ready for, he's like a typical housewife. He comes in ready to fight, but it's not the appropriate time to fight. So he's been saving up this shit forever, and it comes out in some drunken mess. And he's like, yeah, yeah my friend i had this friend at a party and yeah you know him right she's like yeah yeah i know him yeah yeah we were gonna go into business together you know and he's like well you stole his name she goes no john his name is

Starting point is 02:20:56 skinny cow mine is skinny girl okay john i know that's like the same thing to you but skinny cow versus skinny girl look i know people at nestle okay like that's gonna well same thing to you, but skinny cow versus skinny girl. Look, I know people at Nestle, okay? Like that's going to – Well, I don't know. What was funny is that he thought he was really going to bust her. Like he was really going to get her. Like, aha, I'm going to out you on camera. She was so ready. She knew – because she's been down this.

Starting point is 02:21:16 She probably has already had to deal with this guy complaining about the name. She's been through it with the lawyers. She was ready right there with all the reasons why her trademark is fine it was not so it was two two separate words uh the guy was bought out by nestle he doesn't have any like he doesn't have any claim to the name anymore yada yada everything like she's been through this and she was not about to let john try to walk in there and tarnish her business reputation especially especially after he was trying to make some sort of connection, like a business connection with her,

Starting point is 02:21:47 like already five times. And Dorinda's like, all right, Jen, just go, Jen, just go. And Bethany, don't manage him. This is what I'm talking about. This is what I'm talking about right now. Don't manage him. Go ahead, go ahead.

Starting point is 02:21:58 She's taken off the metaphorical hoop earrings right now. She's like taking them off, like, by the way, the landline's ringing. This is a callback to our earlier episodes when i used to have a landline in my old apartment and would always ring during the podcast well now i'm at my parents house and the landline is ringing but i'm not gonna answer it they're only asking for something whoever it is do they are ask or it's my parents it's probably my parents probably calling to check in like so we're gonna be home in like an hour And have some halibut for dinner I don't even talk like that

Starting point is 02:22:28 I don't know how busy you are right now But your brother's worried about his cat My parents by the way don't even talk like that It's just that doing these accents Every accent coming out of me is Ramona You should answer it and just be like Yeah mom you doing some lines? You want to do some blow ma?

Starting point is 02:22:43 You want to talk to me like that? Blowing a couple rails huh you're pretty lit up now ma aren't you huh i am so lit up benjamin so so anyway um so she's screaming don't manage him and then bethany of course can throw you right off your game because he's sweating all over he's drunk he's ready to go doesn't know what he's talking about first of all like i can't talk to you in the snoopy scoff so she just negs him out of nowhere just a big old man takes it off and he's like oh yeah okay so my scoff's gone so now what now what we're gonna fight that's the best part is that he actually takes it like as a note like oh you're right we can't

Starting point is 02:23:23 have a conversation while i have this scarf on excuse me he's like keep rolling keep rolling the scarf's gone okay i'm so sorry that the scarf was so distracting continue so she's just screaming and well not screaming but nasal shouting in her way this is the question dorinda this is what i'm talking about look look what he's doing right now you see what i mean like how he's talking and then now you're trying to sell him and and then look, he's still talking. Like I don't even know why you're talking. Are you talking at me? Don't sweat on me.

Starting point is 02:23:49 I'm telling you right now. Do not sweat on me. And he's like, you don't know about love. You can't even hold a relationship. Like you got nothing, okay? Which is true. It's true. John's like, I'm like a stain on your silk blouse not coming out.

Starting point is 02:24:04 I'm stuck with you. Rough of your life. You don't know how to pair a wine stain with, you know, like a cheesecake stain. You know, that's why you're going to be alone forever. You've been like triple starched. You're just stiff

Starting point is 02:24:16 and no one likes you. Uncomfortable and itchy. Well, you know, if I was going to be like you and be happy to be in a relationship with Crystal Meth, then I'd probably be happy.

Starting point is 02:24:24 But I won't. So, you know, go ahead. There you go. There you go, big man. You like that? You like that? And then Dorinda making it even worse, because she's screaming at John this whole time to stay out of it. Now she's like, you both broken my heart. She's like in Goodfellas

Starting point is 02:24:42 all of a sudden. You're breaking my heart. Why? You both breaking my heart. Why? I'm so broken my heart. How could you bully me? Shut up, John. You shut up too, bro. How could you do this to the bra party? Meanwhile, those women at the bra party are like looking at each other like, what the hell is going on here?

Starting point is 02:25:01 They're like, he didn't even wait to hear his bra size. I was about to say, they're bringing out a man's year for him they're like they're d triple threes and then bethany not you know bethany transparent as usual it's like oh you know i was actually happy actually when he did that because you know it's like a gift from jesus like here i am i'm treading so lightly with dorinda like treading so lightly like being so polite like i can't tread any lighter it's like like how can i tread any lighter like i have to be floating i have to be like a ghost like am i a ghost like did i die like literally kill me now so i can take my ghost body finally like i can find whoopi goldberg and talk

Starting point is 02:25:36 to her and be like dorinda i'm a ghost i'm speaking to you because i'm treading so fucking lightly literally i can't i can't i die treading lightly when she brings up at the hostess's party um you're probably an alcoholic you're in a semi-abusive relationship and you're both addicts yeah that's not treading lightly you nut bethany doesn't even know what treading lightly means she she is the exact opposite of a delicate touch well she thinks of it like treading the ground like when you drive over something and leave tire tread marks in it. I just ran over him very slowly. I mean, what's the big deal? Yeah. So God did this for Bethany.

Starting point is 02:26:10 It's like the only time Bethany prays is to, like, win a stupid fight. She's like, yeah, yeah, God's a livid. So John's out of here, and then Bethany's still screaming behind them, like, that's your man. That's your man. Oh, no, Dorinda stays. She's like, that's your man. All right, look, Dorinda, you have a lot of shit in your life you're not being honest about. And you're in a relationship that you're unhappy with.

Starting point is 02:26:30 And you don't know why. And she's like, I don't even know. I'm John. Like, you know, because it's John. Well, you're unhappy. He's probably abusing John. Yeah, but, you know, it's John. He broke my heart the way that, yep, he's abusive.

Starting point is 02:26:43 That's what I said. Yeah, you're agreeing with me. Remember that tomorrow. Good. Yeah. I had a headache by ten minutes into this show. This show is like so much yapping. So much.

Starting point is 02:26:54 So much. John is disgusting, though. We can all agree on that. Yes. So now, oh, God, John's still here. So now John is downstairs with Jules, who's, you know, getting into shit so she can be in scenes. She's like, well, John, are you okay? And he's like, ah, she's jealous.

Starting point is 02:27:11 Like, because we love each other. We're a beautiful couple. She's like, well, you know, you just you feel a lot of things. I forget. She was saying some bullshit. Yeah, she's like, don't give them ammo. Like, you're emotional. You're emotional.

Starting point is 02:27:23 You're a sweet guy. You're emotional. It's like, shut up, Jules. Yeah, really stupid. And then Dorinda's upstairs drunkenly sobbing. And then Jules comes back up. He's like, I was talking to John. Why were you talking to John?

Starting point is 02:27:36 Like, what was he trying to do? Did he, like, hit you? Did he ask you for coke? Tell us. He's like, no, no. He's telling me about the Viagra. He makes Dorinda happy. He doesn't make Dorinda happy. He doesn't make her happy. She looks happy right now. She's sobbing no, no. I mean, he makes her with a happy. He doesn't make her with a happy.

Starting point is 02:27:46 He doesn't make her happy. She looks happy right now. She's sobbing on the floor. So now a phone call with Carol and Bethany. My baby's poop is soft. Oh, yeah. That's right. Because Carol's like on the stoop with the dog.

Starting point is 02:28:04 It was sort of like, it was funny because I felt like stoop with the dog it was sort of like it was funny because i felt like then there were a lot of these sort of like fluff scenes right pretty much carol doesn't want to see luann and then when luann is like looking looking at a tiny tiny apartment that has a view should be paying probably like 10 million dollars to get a view of the park and like no room it was like a closet yeah new york oh my god it's like welcome to this hallway ten thousand dollars a month like oh great fabulous look at this closet she opens it it's one of those like a closet one of our apartments you know like yeah or person it looks like our apartments it was like this is no luanne you're a countess darling

Starting point is 02:28:43 you know this parquet floor it's just not acceptable but i kind of felt bad for luan and sonia there was there's sort of been on the sidelines the past few episodes it's like it's like oh no like get into the mix ladies you're like our favorites yeah and then of course luan has this um fabulous story she's telling the real estate agent who is her old model roommate yeah it's just like one time when we were living together i was in the park you know i was in central park and these two italian guys you know came over and said you want to hang out or whatever so i uh paged my real estate friend and told her you know get over get home get home and i show up and then one starts touching my leg and then the other one

Starting point is 02:29:22 starts touching my shoulder you know and then i've got a dick in me and you know my front and my back i mean it was crazy do you remember that story i mean that was just crazy it's like this and somebody is like yeah still happening huh yeah i'm like luann are you just stealing stories from mad men because i believe that happened with joan in season three she's like i, I told her, you will not be the head of the secretary pool ever. Understand? So they are going to go, they go to

Starting point is 02:29:53 look downtown, which I can't believe you can get such a much better apartment downtown because you know that wasn't like downtown, downtown. That was like Tribeca or somewhere really nice downtown. Yeah. There's a butt remote, which I just loved because they're like, okay, That was like Tribeca or somewhere really nice downtown. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:30:05 And there's a butt remote, which I just loved. Because they're like, okay, you sit on the toilet and then you press this button and then it'll massage your butt or it'll spray your butt. She's like, oh, I'll just stay here. Can I just stay here? Luanne just needs an outhouse with a butt massager and she'll be happy. She just needs a good bidet. Bethany at her office. Was this another divorce bill?

Starting point is 02:30:32 What is this? What is this, 32 grand? I gotta have the craziest divorce since I can Tina, am I right? Yeah, it was basically just more skinny girl memorabilia oh wait as by the way as anticipated my father is leaving a message on the voice on the answering machine right now just an update what it's an update driving home from costco that's what my parents love to give updates like all the time like if we're especially if we're like caravanning like uh like if like for some reason like my mom is in one car and my dad is in another and we're like driving somewhere in like a mini caravan to go to like something or another, my dad will be like, give your brother a call. Let him know that we're five minutes away.

Starting point is 02:31:17 I'm like, dad, he'll see us in five minutes. Like they just love updates. They just love giving updates. My dad just gave an update that which train he's going to be on i mean it makes sense for dinner but so well you should put me on three way and let me call your mom and give her an update okay your husband's abusing you and you're both drunk okay yep david okay right uh so sorry i got distracted there for a moment because i was i was like simultaneously trying to hear the update in case it was actually something i needed

Starting point is 02:31:40 to know so ramona comes over to the office and starts reading dorinda's texts yes i'm gonna cry i'm gonna cry which of course she doesn't at all no but the texts are like you broke my heart put my hat stop crying i've been in bed for a day you're a broken mirror and ramona's like what why is she a broken me what do i look like i'm in a broken mirror so my face crooked like what, what is she saying? You know, my mother always said, you have to always get your own mirror because you never want to rely on a man to get a mirror for you, okay? Ramona goes,

Starting point is 02:32:14 well, but it's you who'll say. I don't know. I can't understand a word coming out of her mouth. It's like I understand one out of three words coming out of this girl's mouth. It's always like, you know, like, sayonara. I don't get it.

Starting point is 02:32:28 You know, it's a lot of dong-dong-a-ling-dong to me. You know, that's what I'm saying. I can't tell if it's Hebrew or Japanese. I don't get it. Like, I don't understand this craziness. It's like, just speak English, okay? I can't wait for Bethany's argument to be, it's not racist when you just half. Because I see that coming.

Starting point is 02:32:44 Probably. You know, it's funny because when Ramona, ramona and bethany then called up jewels to be like let's talk about john and it was so clear it was a recruiting mission like hey jewels come join our team anti-john team and jewels was not biting jewels like oh well you know i just think that you know i don't know it's just like you know so good talk bethany i kept with her what an idiot you know, I just think that, you know, I don't know. It's just like, you know, so good talk. Bethany, I can't with her. What an idiot. Why do we even try to recruit her?

Starting point is 02:33:11 I mean, it's almost gonna make me cry. Like it's like it makes me almost sad right now. Makes me sad. I'm gonna call Avery and tell her I love her. Bethany tells Jules. What? You don't mind how we talk to me? Like, like what?

Starting point is 02:33:22 You're a woman. Okay. If someone talks like to you like that, I punch him in the face okay that's what i'd do if if i was if i was you and you was me and someone talked to me like that i punch him in the face well you know like you want to punch my husband no god that's fucking moron i know jules just hang it up how did jules get on this show i mean she is just like like i don't know my hope is that she just turns into a raging bitch because you know kelly ben simone when she first showed up i was like what is this woman doing here for like half the season i was like who she doesn't do anything she's an idiot and

Starting point is 02:33:54 then when she got into it with bethany i was like oh so i'm hoping that jules has that moment too oh yeah jules is already ready to stab bethany in the face and bethany ends the call she hangs up and she goes she's a very special woman with very special needs. And then she goes, oh, you know what? I never used my guest certificate for dry cleaning. I love that Bethany, despite being like a multimillionaire,

Starting point is 02:34:20 is still looking for like $10 off. She goes, should I send it in at the skinny cow so jules jagger and rio oh my god jules this so this this here's the thing when jules is like okay when we go driving we always have to have the sour patch kids if i don't have the sour pitch kids oh my god they're gonna be crying i'm like no you're the parent you just say no no sour patches why do you have to have sour patch kids? They don't make the rules. You make the rules.

Starting point is 02:34:49 They don't get sour patch kids. The nanny gets a black eye. You know, I can't. The nanny who was stuffed into the backseat. Did you notice that the nanny was in the backseat? They're stuffed in there? No, I was looking for where she was. She was not back there, was she? Well, I was watching with Jenny.

Starting point is 02:35:05 Remember Jenny? And she was like, who's that random black lady back there? I was like, what? What are you talking about? And she was like stuffed back there. Oh, I didn't even see her. I thought that was crazy that Jules was doing anything without a nanny. Like she's changing.

Starting point is 02:35:19 No. And then their kids are obnoxious, but they're so obnoxious. They have a wall in their car that they can pull up so they don't have to even deal with their children while they drive. That's awful. Did you notice that? I did. I did notice it. So good.

Starting point is 02:35:32 It looked like a dog pound vehicle, you know, where they pick up and they have the grates in the car so the dogs can't bite them. It was like when the limo driver picks up Lily Tomlin and Bette Midler, Sadie and Rose in Big Business. It's like, what? The window up or down? Down. Do not insert jewels into my Big Business memories. How dare you, sir? By the way, I'm so mad because Drew Jrogi is doing a Big Business read-through, whatever.

Starting point is 02:35:58 I think I even mentioned it last time. And tickets went on sale and were sold out immediately. I was so excited to see Drew Droege do big business. I'm so mad. It's one night only. Oh, that sucks. I know. Love that guy.

Starting point is 02:36:11 Former Crabman's guest. While we're on our way to the Hamptons, we've got John and Dorinda in a car. And John is just still fuming. You know, look, you're a man, okay? You don't get to fight with the women. So just fucking calm down. You don't get to go in and tell a woman off who raised you sir and honestly like they you know they they put him through the ringer no pun intended last year and why is it that this is the thing this is what

Starting point is 02:36:37 sets him off after everything that that the women were so nasty to him about last year where we were sort of oddly kind of on his side in certain ways. But now this is the straw that breaks the camel's back. Like, I don't know. Well, it's just he had called before this even happened saying if any of those bitches say anything about me. So I think he's just been ready to go. They all watch the season and read their Twitter

Starting point is 02:36:58 and he's like feeling like a pussy, you know, that he never stood up for himself. Like it's their fault he looks like a total, you know, piece of shit, not his own. Yeah. It's that they got mad that he was grabbing up for himself. Like it's their fault he looks like a total piece of shit, not his own. It's that they got mad that he was grabbing their asses, not that he was grabbing their asses. Anyway, so he's going off still. He's like, yeah, I don't even want to stay with Ramona. What kind of dirty animals does she have in her house?

Starting point is 02:37:20 And then he's like, yeah, look at Ramona. She's awful. What a getter divorced at 60 and a boob job i mean it's so crude so so vile darling you just keep digging that grave thankfully what do you think's gonna happen to dorinda by the way it's gonna take you like a month to dig it but still and what do you think's happening to rinda in 10 years after she leaves you boobs exactly you've already got the boobs yeah fucker uh so then jules blah blah blah dmv call who cares i didn't write anything so i'm i don't think it means anything dmv call d and b dorinda calling the dmv yeah i need to get my registration done. You know, I got a sticker. It's the wrong day.

Starting point is 02:38:07 It broke my heart, the sticker. Who do you think you are? Ma'am, could you please read the second row on that chart? Listen, I got to back it up, okay? Back it up. I can't see it, okay? All right. All right.

Starting point is 02:38:21 It's E-G-F. I'm sorry, man. That's not correct. Oh, you're breaking my heart. Yeah. Yeah, that chart says we're from the'm sorry, man. That's not correct. Oh, you're breaking my heart. Yeah. That chart says we're from the same neighborhood. Nope. It does not say that. You know, sometimes you got to take out a crayon and draw your own letters on the chart.

Starting point is 02:38:37 OK, that's what you got to do. It's a chaos crayon in the DMV. Man, the light is so different in the DMV. Did you notice that over by the registration I saw a red balloon I was like it's a sign Time for a new license So Jules Howe still pretending to be Jewish I'm not buying this

Starting point is 02:38:59 Although I do kind of buy it Because she is typical Jewish When she's like We are all about the Shabbat, okay? We do it all the time. And then she's like, Shabbat Shalom, Baruch HaKad, la, la, blah, blah, Shabrukatah, and Adetah. Okay, eat your gummy worms. They had like an emergency Shabbat ceremony. I was like, just stop at the store beforehand.

Starting point is 02:39:23 You don't have to do Shabbat dinner over a breadstick and a gummy worm. Jesus. No pun intended. Shabbat. The end. All right. So they do a little Shabbat thing. That's fine.

Starting point is 02:39:33 And then we're seeing their house. They're building an indoor swimming pool off the dining room. I'm like, this is awful. Everything is awful here. Don't do an indoor swimming pool. What are you, a holiday inn in Michigan? Death becomes her swimming pool. Yeah, it's ridiculous.

Starting point is 02:39:48 Oh, wow. It's so hard, you know, because there is no budget. So we just keep adding to it and adding to it and adding to it and adding to it. I'm like, oh, I feel so sorry for you right now. And Dorinda and John are there, of course. He's got the biggest bottle of wine I've seen in a long time. BYOB. uh let me see she's like uh he said i didn't know you were you were a swimmer he's like i don't know you were a swimmer buddy and during this like swimmer i thought you said swinger oh god you're grossing me out enough without thinking of you and john swinging with

Starting point is 02:40:22 these two yeah i love i sort of am loving how dorinda in her second season is such a mess like season one it was like oh this woman's funny we really like this woman she's yeah she gets a little drunk but we love her she's in this season it's like oh god she is a mess she is going at us she's going the sonia route she is really really cuckoo she's standing there talking to them this poor couple is listening to her like okay we were just asking how you felt like you can stop now she's like oh yeah because they they start with me and they come at me you know ramona i've known ramona for 20 years that was real that was real because i know ramona like i've known ramona for 20 years she was in the fourth row my husband's funeral you know and like you like, you love me? You love John.

Starting point is 02:41:06 Okay, you want to be nice to me? Then you can be nice to John. If I'm going to be nice to you, you got to be nice to John. How about Dorinda, you've known this woman for 20 years. She's in the fourth row of your husband's funeral. So maybe you should listen to her. How about that?

Starting point is 02:41:22 Rather than go the other way around. That's about John. All right. The veil's go the other way around. That's the part John. All right. The veil's been lifted. All right. The horse is glue. The check's castrate. The mirror's cracked.

Starting point is 02:41:31 The cookie's been crumbled. Okay. And John is on the ground with the spilled milk and the cookie crumbles. Okay. And you got love. Listen, you love me. You love John's cookies. Okay.

Starting point is 02:41:43 On the floor. You love milk? John's going to spill it. And then you got to say, it's okay, because it's John. And Dorinda loves John. You know, get a paper towel. That's what I'm saying. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 02:41:53 You know what? When life gives you lemons, you know what? You got to love the lemons. You got to love John. You got to love John's lemons, okay? John loves lemon pine salt. You got to wash with John. And then it turns into this Caesar thing.

Starting point is 02:42:06 They're comparing it to Caesar. Was it John or Dorinda who did that? Someone said it wrong. They were like, A2 Broody. A2 Broody. A2 Broody. You too, Broody. Broody.

Starting point is 02:42:20 Brutus. Brutus. And then Broody from the Cosby Show came in and stabbed Caesar. We would have had that salad 100 years later if they had let him live. I was going to make a salad joke too. Listen, if you don't like George Clooney's haircut, then you don't like John. That's what that means. The first time George Clooney went to the Supercuts and they didn't give him that little haircut,

Starting point is 02:42:45 you know how broken his heart was? First time Julianna Lott at least broke up with him on Eeyore. Listen, I remember him when he was on Sisters, okay? Me and George Clooney known him 20 years, okay? Knew him through Sisters and Roseanne and Facts of Life, okay? Breaks my heart. Natalie, Facts of life. She was sitting in the 19th row of my husband's funeral.

Starting point is 02:43:08 Do I ever hear from her again? No. Broke my heart, Natalie. What CeeLo Ward did to George Clooney on Sisters. Breaks my heart. So then it cuts to commercial. I was watching this live and Andy Cohen was stoned out of his fucking gourd.

Starting point is 02:43:26 His eyes were so bloodshot. He's like, hey, everyone, tonight at 11, you're going to see the spin of a wheel. And boobs are bigger than other people's. All right. Great job over there, buddy. Ramona, Bethany, and Dorinda at dinner. The big dinner Big moment

Starting point is 02:43:47 Where they're going to hash it out That's where they were eating What? Au revoir That's the restaurant The host is like, hello, welcome to Au Revoir Bethany's like, oh yeah, hey, how you doing? Oh, very good, Bethany

Starting point is 02:44:03 I hate that I hate that. Good to see you, buddy. I hate the way she enters rooms. Just like you said, hey, what's going on? What's the matter? Hey, what's the matter? He's so excited to be on camera.

Starting point is 02:44:17 He's just standing there. I hate that. When they're like, oh, a famous person. I'll stand here. Is that Luann? Is Luann the maitre d'? Alright, well, here I am watching Bethany stare at a menu. Stand here, I guess. I don't get it. I don't get

Starting point is 02:44:32 this menu right here. It's like food. It's like so much food. I don't get it. Is this a restaurant? Is this a bar? I don't get it. If it's a bar, why aren't there bars here? Why isn't there a jail? I feel like I'm a prisoner, but there's no jail. What is this, Spanish here? What is this, Spanish? What is this? Apetif. A appetif appetit it's america like i don't understand what are these words what's this language it's like this is american restaurant okay if people can't walk

Starting point is 02:44:53 into the store and know what they're getting they're not going to get it you know you need to change this like cheese sticks yeah what you're gonna do pictures of the food on the wall okay you just put big pictures posters they hang okay they hang over you they spin around they hang like the painting in six degrees of separation just spins around okay double-sided menu double side paintings okay that's i get that before people could uh figure out how to blow up pictures big no one ever ate a gyro it's a true story you know now they eat them all the time see him on the back of a bus so ramona comes in like oh my god here i am she comes in just blah blah blah and the host is trying to do the same thing to her he follows her in he's like oh welcome to the religion

Starting point is 02:45:33 she's like yeah yeah whatever she doesn't even look at him and he walks away all dejected yeah sorry that's actually in my notes i thought that was great no it's okay so ramona's like ah it's so cold in here am i right like so cold i'm feeling so cold yeah well that's good at least you're not going through the change right i love when ramona observes things it's always like a very basic observation that she's so excited about like this this tablecloth is so soft do you feel it it's soft it's soft where's avery i'm gonna i'm just gonna text avery now. The tablecloth is soft in the Hamptons. I love that Bethany and Ramona have known each other for so long and probably don't even know each other because they never shut the fuck up.

Starting point is 02:46:12 Like they can never hear each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're cold? Yeah. Well, would you apologize if Mario yelled at me? Would you do that? Mario? Like would he do that?

Starting point is 02:46:20 You know, one time I was on the street and a girlfriend told me Mario had a girlfriend. Like it's the same thing. That's what I did durenda do you think they're doing lines i mean that's what i said to durenda you know like the girlfriend on tinder yeah so like the penis is tiny like a baby carrot yeah like tiny dicks i'm like what are these two even talking about you know once once durenda showed up it reminded me of this thing I saw like last month. There was this news that scientists had detected gravity waves for the first time. They detected it because there was this cosmic event billions of light years away where these two black holes got too close to each other. And because they got too close, they had these gravitational pulls.

Starting point is 02:47:04 They started spinning around. And they started spinning and spinning and spinning like so fast like thousands millions of times per second going so so fast and there was like a video demonstration of these two black holes spinning and spinning and spinning and at a certain point it just became one big black hole and i'm like that's what happens when these three women get together they just talk and talk and talk and they spin around each other and just become one big black hole of talk the host comes by he's like oh welcome there's no one to seat the rest of the tables all the hamptons just get sucked in it's like the inverse of the katamari damasi thing i was mentioning two weeks ago everyone just gets sucked in so dorinda has already had her pre-drinks now Over at the anorexic lady's house

Starting point is 02:47:45 And so she's like Here I am, I don't even know how I feel About going into dinner with Ramona I'll tell you this much What she did was disgusting And I'm gonna let her know she's a piece of shit Back it up So they sit down, they're like, hey, how's it going?

Starting point is 02:48:05 She's pissed. And then Bea's like, you guys okay? You guys okay, huh? You and Ramona? You okay? You okay? You guys? You okay?

Starting point is 02:48:12 No. You okay? No. You okay? No. You okay? That was my slap noise. Ramona.

Starting point is 02:48:20 Look at me, Dorinda. Look at me. You can't even look at me. Okay? You can't even look at me, okay? You know what's funny? Whoa, this Dorinda. Look at me. You can't even look at me, okay? You can't even look at me, okay? You know what's funny? Whoa, this is crazy. Whoa, whoa.

Starting point is 02:48:27 This reminds me, okay? This one time when I was younger, I was walking around in the forest, and then Geraldine Parsons-Smith showed up and was like, hey, get out of the forest. And I said, hey, why can't you even look at me when you tell me that? And she couldn't look at me. And the reason why is because she was repulsed, okay? So to this day, I don't look at anyone in the eyes in the forest, okay? Stupid Ramona. I'm sorry. That made no sense helicopter above no i did i'm with you no i'm like waiting to hear what happens in the forest they never have they never make sense i always i always start off with some premise and

Starting point is 02:48:57 i just talk until i get to the end of it you're okay you're okay you're okay you guys okay okay so dorinda uh why did i just this gets crazy whenever i'm trying to transcribe what they're saying it just gets so crazy because look you guys okay no look at me i'm so surprised oh okay so dorinda's like look here's the thing like i was just like so surprised you know because i don't speak in a disgusting way, Ramona. I don't talk about getting banged. John doesn't even want people to know he uses Viagra. Why would he say that? But it's because he said it to someone outside the party.

Starting point is 02:49:40 It wasn't that you said it, Dorinda. It's that John was saying it. Yes, exactly. John said it in the first place. He's not that insecure about it. And by the way, if he doesn't want people to know he takes Viagra, then how would these people know to say that he said he took Viagra? You know? It's disgusting. It's despicable. That's what it's saying, right?

Starting point is 02:49:59 And then Ramona's like, okay, look here, Dorinda. Okay? Okay. What I did to you, here's what I did to you. I came up to you at a bra party, and I said, Dorinda, John said that he takes Viagra to fuck you for six hours. I feel so bad about saying that at a party in front of other people, okay? And that's what I did, and it hurt your feelings, and I know I hurt your feelings. And what I'm saying is I'm sorry.

Starting point is 02:50:25 And then Ramona did her patented move because then Dorinda starts to choke up. She starts to look like that little Muppet rat. To go back to our Muppet discussion from the other day. You know there's like a little Muppet rat? I'm not saying that Dorinda looks like a rat. Yes, they did a little musical number in Muppets Take Manhattan. Love them. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:50:43 I'm not saying that she looks like a rat. But she looked like the Muppet Take Manhattan. Love them. Yeah. I'm not saying that she looks like a rat, but she looked like the Muppet rat, which is still cute. And she had this look. She looked like the Muppet rat getting sad. So then Ramona swoops in with her patented move, which is to do this hug apology. I'm sorry. You're my best friend, okay?

Starting point is 02:50:58 I never meant to do that to you, okay? I'll never be like that, okay? Okay. C'est classe. New Ramona. Renewed. Renewed. I'm renewed. It's a class. Hey, new Ramona renewed, but dude, dude, I'm renewed. Like, all right.

Starting point is 02:51:07 You know, Ramona, like you don't even mean to do it. You just do stupid things. Like you're not a dumb person. You just do stupid things. And Betsy's like, Oh, you guys work it out.

Starting point is 02:51:16 You feel better. Okay. Well, that's good because you're going to need a lot of energy for this man. Who's probably abusing you. This drunk. Are you drunk right now? You want to do some lines?

Starting point is 02:51:25 This man is terrible for you. Okay. this man who's probably abusing you, this drunk. Are you drunk right now? You want to do some lines? Oh, God. This man is terrible for you, okay? So it's like this nice ending. Then Bethany, you know, jumped right back on it. And then they cut to Dorinda, and she's like, well, Bethany, Ramona said she's sorry. But you know what? It's done.

Starting point is 02:51:40 It's broken. So, like, what's broken is broken. Like, you can't just fix, like, a broken thing. So whatever. You know, like a broken thing so whatever you know like broken me so broken and that is the end of that i'm not sure i didn't even watch the coming next weeks um i saw it but again i don't remember because i was also a little drunk when i was watching so Attaboy, baby! You know, when in New York City, watching drunk New Yorkers do what the drunk New Yorkers do. That's right.

Starting point is 02:52:13 Scream at a fat person and call him a drug addict. That's what I was doing. Open up the window of the hotel. Drug addicts, all of you. There's a voicemail on my machine of Ben just drunk yelling at me from New York Here you son of a bitch So anyway, that's it for our sad, tragic, prince death, Patti LuPone birthday podcast By the way, one thing we forgot to mention, speaking of death Don't do it right now

Starting point is 02:52:42 But we keep on forgetting, it's going to be too late by the time we remember i don't know we'll wait till season three i mean there i don't think there is gonna be a season three oh i'll do it real quickly we never mentioned the fact that poor daisy from blood sweat and heels died two weeks ago and that was really really sad so you know that was that was tragic and that was really sad poor daisy way to bring it down right well i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry we can bring it up again we can bring it up again but for right now i'm bringing it down and be like you know we didn't mention it and that was just because we it was an oversight but like so sad i think our thoughts go out to her family thing that fuck cancer man it's all over the place and you always hope you know when someone gets it it's like they

Starting point is 02:53:23 can make it through because there's so many advances in treatment and there's all those things and you don't even i don't think about it the same way because i just think oh you can get through it it'll be okay and then she passed away she yeah and cancer and it was sort of weird because like the last we saw her was at the end of this reality show where things were on the up and up so that's sort of like where she was kind of like she's sort of like preserved right there in that state. And so then when the news came through, and she's only 36, just really so awful. It really is.

Starting point is 02:53:52 Bless you, honey, wherever you're at. Bless you. But I told you I'd bring it up. And here's what I'm going to say. Patti LuPone birthday. Patti LuPone birthday. Patti LuPone birthday. Well, just on our way out,

Starting point is 02:54:04 I'd just like to dedicate this to all the dead people today. Purple Raina. Purple Raina. All seven. Also Rina, Rina, Rina, Rina. Rina, Rina, Rina, Rina. I did it. There, I did it.

Starting point is 02:54:23 I did it. Own it, baby. Own it, Lapone So, um Thanks everyone for listening, by the way Sorry to end it on a dreary note, but I felt like I needed to address that And, um We will talk to you next week Uh, hope you all have a wonderful Weekend, uh, go to our Facebook page

Starting point is 02:54:41 Facebook.com forward slash Watch what crappens Oh, next week, by the way, next Sunday, next Thursday, we are going to do our Google hangout for our Patreon subscribers. So get involved with that.

Starting point is 02:54:54 Go to patreon.com to see how to do that. Forward slash watch what happens. Of course, it's always forward slash watch what happens. And Heather McDonald is coming back on the show next week, which is always, Heather will be here to talk with us about real housewives of Beverly Hills next week. I can't wait to hear what she has to say about it.

Starting point is 02:55:14 Yeah, it should be a good one. So we will see you guys next time. Bye. Bye everyone. Bye. Hey, prime members.

Starting point is 02:55:23 You can listen to watch or crapens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com.

Watch What Crappens - #286: Don't Have a Skinny Cow, Man

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