Watch What Crappens - #2865 The Valley S2E07 Part One The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing w Guest Lara Schoenhals

Episode Date: May 29, 2025

This is part one of a two-part recapBen is out for the week, so Ronnie invites the hysterical and on point Lara Schoenhals (@larzmari) for SUP (sexyuniquepod) to talk all things The Valley. This week, Mariposa enacts her revenge plan on Jason and Janet and Lala shows up to tell Jesse what a piece of crap he is. For those of you into violins, they play again this week for poor, poor Jax who sends in a video message telling us how much he loves his son before he wrecks his and his mothers finances. You can watch this recap on video, listen to our 3 part Road Trip bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens.  Tickets for our North American tour on sale at watchwhatcrappens.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to watcha crappin's ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Every big moment starts with a big dream. But what happens when that big dream turns out to be a big flop? From Wondry and Atwill Media, I'm Misha Brown, and this is the Big Flop. Every week, comedians join me to chronicle the biggest flubs, fails, and blunders of all time, like Quibi. It's kind of like when you give yourself your own nickname and you try to, like, get other people to do it.

And the 2019 movie adaptation of Cats. Like, if I'm watching the dancing and I'm noticing the feet aren't touching the ground, there's something wrong with the movie. Find out what happens when massive hype turns watching the dancing and I'm noticing the feet aren't touching the ground, there's something wrong with the movie. Find out what happens when massive hype turns into major fiasco. Enjoy The Big Flop on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to The Big Flop early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. Get started with your free trial at Wondery.com slash plus. Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens. I'm Ronnie.

Ben's out of town this week. Sucka! He's in Norway. So today I'm with one of our long-time besties who I haven't spent time with in a while. So I'm super to have her, super excited to have her here. Miss Lars Sainhalde from the Sexy Unique podcast. Hello, Lars. Hello, thank you for having me.

I'm jealous of Ben, by the way. Norway, my God. Norway, it's amazing. He's on like a foodie tour. He saw, he follows some lady on Instagram, and he loves her food, and she's like, I'm having a food tour. I don't know if she talks like that, but I imagine that she's like, we're having a jam tour in Norway. So he's doing that. A Norwegian food tour. It's like salted cod. Yes. I'm thinking like salted cod and jams. And not a lot of bread or like really hard bread.

Do they have good bread in Norway? I don't know. I actually haven't heard much about Norwegian food and I feel like my big touchstone is maybe Norwegian fashion bloggers or something and I don't think eating is their main thing. Bread's probably not on the top of their list. Bread ain't on the menu, so I can't speak to their dietary preferences, but happy for him. I'm so happy for him.

He looks like he's having a great time. And guess what? So am I. So Crappens has two final shows on our mounting hysteria tour, one in Seattle on June 12th and then the following week, June 19th here in Los Angeles. Also for SUP, Sex Unique Podcast with Carrie. Tell Carrie hi, that was for not coming. Tell him he's a was for not being here.

Senses, regards. Yeah. I love that guy. Um, check out their podcast, obviously, wherever you get podcasts, and also their Patreon, where they will be doing and just like that. When does that start? This week? So, the first episode drops tonight at midnight, and then our recaps are gonna be out on Saturdays. Love that for you guys. And you've done all of it, right? You guys have been doing that?

Yeah, we've covered the first two seasons and now you know, we're in season three and I'm excited to see what's around the corner for our ladies. the corner for our ladies. All right, so tell me, before we get into this valley recap, what are your general thoughts? Because I haven't talked to you on here at least since this has even been on the air, which is crazy. So what are your overarching thoughts? I am happy to get a Vanderpump Rules spin-off slash anything, any way I can take it. So I'm bullish on the Valley. It makes me laugh and there are certain characters that make me give me the chuckles.

They make me feel something. I am liking it. I don't think it's like, it's nowhere near kind of seasons one through six of Vanderpump rules, the glory days, but it still is doing something for me. No, I will never have that again. It was Camelot and now it's over. Yeah. So I'm open.

My heart is open and I've really opened my home to these people, my spirit to these people. And for better or worse, we're on the ride with them. Opened up the rage gate again, too, at least on my end. I mean, here we've got Jax again. And we're like, oh my God, I can't believe Jax is on TV. What did you think was gonna happen? Like, what did anybody think was gonna happen?

You put Jax back on the TV. Yeah, I think it's better to have eyes on him and be keeping tabs on him via a TV show than the alternative where he's just, like, left his own devices. Like, I actually think we're all safer if he is on TV. That's a good point. Yeah, that's a good point. It's like the nanny state.

He's just such a liar too, that it kind of is now pure comedy. Anything he says is a lie. So to see him doing his rehab diaries and... Oh, my God. ...faking like he's a good dad, and even like the merch that he wears, like he wore a shirt in this episode that said, Tired Dad on it. As though he's ever done like any sort of significant

fatherly thing in his entire life. I'm obsessed with the grift that he thinks he's pulling off. In the same episode, he's literally stealing money from his child. He's like, Tired Dad, wah! And his dark dye on his eyebrows now, he's got like the aging LA guy thing, or he's like, tired dad, wah! And his dark dye on his eyebrows now, he's got like the aging LA guy thing, or he's like, I'm just gonna have jet black eyebrows. And then he's gonna wear his bar cap in his rehab diary.

Like, girl. Yeah, I know. You can always tell, like, where his mental health and sobriety is at based on how much Jax's studio city merch he's wearing. So when it's like a shirt and a hat, he's fully coked up with mom. And when it's just the hat, it's like, he might've just, you know,

cheeked a painkiller at rehab. Like, we have to just accept he's never getting sober. He's never gonna be a good father. He's always gonna be, pretty abusive to his mother of his child. And once you can get that, then, and realize that it is safer if we have eyes on him, then you're gonna have a great time with yourself. Yeah.

If you can't get past that, it's gonna be hard for you. Yeah, I would think it's like being in a relationship with Jax himself, where you just really have to learn to disassociate, you know? Like, you really have to learn to disassociate, you know, like you really have to learn to compartmentalize and just know what you're getting that day. No, I know. But if you're Brittany, I mean, you can't even I think she was trying to disassociate by taking shots, but she couldn't even have that.

He was on her case 24 seven about all her shots and her gird. So there's just no... Talk about hiding. Talk about hiding your shots. That's like a big thing this year, is like hiding your shots. I'm like, wasn't Brittany like in a closet literally hiding her shots last year?

Because Jax was following her around, screaming what a drunk she was on TV. Allegedly, she was hiding. But then it's like you see the clips from last season, and he's asking everyone, how did she take shots on the boat? And they go, no. And then he goes, you're fucking drunk, you're wasted to her.

And it's like, her friends just said no. So, like, what's true? There's no truth with that. There's no truth with that. Yeah, there's no truth. There's no truth. Yeah. Well, all right, let's get truth with that. There's no truth with that. Yeah, there's no truth. There's no truth. Well, all right, let's get into this season. So Melissa and Jasmine are driving,

and Jasmine really needs to get this off her chest with Jason. So what are you thinking with Danny? What are you thinking of this Jasmine and Danny kerflus? I think that what Danny did is disgusting, and I do think that he likely has a drinking problem. He's like going to the dark side when he drinks and then glugging in a broom closet. Yeah, I don't think it's good for him.

But then he's moving to Santa Clarita when he's sober, so like, which do you know, that's not gonna do much for his it's not thinking move to Santa Clarita and you've decided you're drinking at home. You're drinking alone at home. But yeah, I agree with you about the Jasmine Danny thing. I think that he could have a drinking problem. I guess my issue with

the whole thing is these people coming at somebody for having a drinking problem. I guess my issue with the whole thing is these people coming at somebody for having a drinking problem. It bugs me. Yeah. I mean, everyone does on that show. Yeah, everyone does on that show. And I just don't know that I've ever come at my friends for having a drinking problem, even when they do. Like, I've had the conversation, like,

oh, you need to throw up in cars a little bit less when we go out. Or like, you can't just drop drinks on the ground in gay bars and expect me to keep taking you. Like, you have to behave yourself, you know? This place already smells like sperm and socks. It doesn't need your added Cosmo on the ground, man. You know, like, I've had those conversations,

but I don't think I've ever been like, oh my God, you're sneaking drinks? We need to have a discussion. I just will talk shit about them to other friends, like a normal person. Exactly. But having... Exactly. But having the discussion of like, you can't be grabbing my ass and having me call you daddy,

along with my girlfriend, that's separate. So I'm gonna separate that out of my... Yeah. If someone was groping me or like a friend's husband was groping me, there would be a whole other discussion. Yeah, that would definitely be a discussion. Floor is sure. Okay, so Melissa and Jasmine are talking and they're going to LAX to pick up Zach,

which is another thing I don't feel like real friends make each other do. Do you make your friends come pick you up from LAX? Absolutely not. I wouldn't even make an enemy come and pick me up from LAX. I wouldn't either. It's a no-fly zone. Like, it's one of the worst places in all of America. Truly.

That's a lot. And it's very far. People don't understand how far it is. It's very far. People don't understand how far it is. It's very far. Two hours minimum of an errand to run for the pickup person. So like you're going to drive down there for an hour, drive back home for an hour. Maybe I don't even like pick up my mom from LAX. No girl, I'll send a Venmo before I send a car. Oh, yeah, I'll get her a car. Like, I will... I have gotten family members' cars. Like, I'd actually rather die than pick anyone up from LAX.

Burbank or bust, baby. I'll go to Burbank. True. Okay, so they're picking up Zach, and Jasmine's like, yeah, yeah, it's true love. It's true love with Zach. Because I, like, literally wouldn't do this for anybody else. So they go get him, and he's like, oh my gosh, you guys! But first, I have true love. It's true love. What's that? Because I literally wouldn't do this for anybody else. So they go get him, and he's like, oh my gosh, you guys.

But first, I have this discussion about Danny and Nia, and Jasmine's kind of on the fence now, because she was kind of going hard with the Danny thing, but then Kristen and Luke were like, what's the big deal? I mean, calm down. Like, we all fucking drink. What? Kristen also has, like, a bottle of wine in her hands at all times. Like, in Santa Barbara,

every time it cut to her, she was also glugging. So... I also enjoy how Kristen is now her best friend in the entire world, our Danny and Nia. She has no one else, you know? I know. After last season. Yeah, she know? I know. She died for them. Yeah, she's like, we've been to war together. We are literally war buddies.

We've talked to you three times. I know. But Kristen doesn't have anybody else after last year. So she's like, you know what? I'm gonna Nia it up. Because do you think she ever would have hung out with someone like Nia before, like a beauty queen, like a prim and proper beauty queen? I don't really see that happening. No. I mean, the closest that she had to a beauty queen was Brittany. But as Brittany said in the after show, she was like, not beauty, but pageants were more steak fairs. They were like the steak carnivals. Yeah. I was competing alongside, you know, there were literal pigs in the conference. There were heifers in competition.

It's like the pig competition next to the next to the tent or whatever. I grew up in Texas. I've been to Plinia County Fair. I've lost a ribbons. So yeah, so they're talking about this, uh, oh, and also I like that Kristen's a folk hero now. What do you think about that? Like, did you ever see the evolution of Kristen

becoming like a national Ameri... Like, America loves Kristen now. Like, oh my God. Kristen's a saint. Kristen's comeback, yeah, is pretty incredible. Just knowing where she started and how far she fell and to see her back in the public's good graces. I'm happy for her because she needs this. I don't think that Chris and Dodie is someone to pivot to real estate if everything falls apart. You know

what I mean? Even the bus bench would move. It would be like, call Kristen for real estate. We need her on television and she needs to be on television. So I'm happy, I liked, there was a moment in the after show too where she described herself as a social justice warrior. And I was like, that's interesting. I would disagree with that. Just blatantly, I would disagree based on the facts,

but, like, if you say it's your life... I'll support you. I'll support you in your decision, even if I don't see where the fuck you're coming from, Kristin. I would need her on TV all the time, too. I kind of miss the waiting tables, Kristin. I would kind of like a new version of Alice, you know, that old TV show where they were they were like waitresses in a diner? Did you ever see that?

You're too young for that. I remember that show. But it was when I was a kid. Sounds good though. And yeah, it was just waitresses in this really run down diner and they were just like sad and poor, you know? And I'd like to see that for Kristen working at like, what was that old diner here?

Like Joanne's or, is it Joanne's? Joanne's or DePars. Yeah, something was that old diner here? Like, Joanne's or... Was it Joanne's? Joanne's or DePars? Yeah, something like that. Like, just see Kristin in like a full hairnet, you know, just still trying to make it work. Like, three kids at home. She's diner energy for sure. I would love that.

Yeah. So, now they come get Zach from LAX, and he's like, For the last week, I've been on a road trip from Texas to Kentucky with my on again, off again boyfriend, Benji. How do you feel about Benji? Do you think that Benji and Zach are real

or that Benji is using his citizenship status to possibly dump Zach at any moment? I was even taking it a step further this week and I was like, does Benji even truly exist? AI has come far. So it could be the FaceTime was just like a chat GPT. And does Benji, is he real? Like, I'll believe it when he's filming with Zach in Zach's sad apartment.

And I feel like it's AI as it would react to Zach. Like, Zach's like, hey, hey, Benji. He's like, your house is disgusting. Okay, well, you know, I'd love to see you, Benji. Please wear socks. You get footprints all over the floor. It's disgusting. I won't come over there until you get a carpet. Yeah, I'm curious about the Benchy of it all.

But I'm open to seeing it. I like immigration, like drama and the high stakes of potentially needing a visa or a green card. And I think that it would play nicely with Zach and he can bring up, he can heighten the drama even more. And any relationship that's predicated on that is high stakes to begin with. So I like where everyone's heads at. And it's current, you know? Like, I like the current events of it all.

And I just like what green cards do to, like, romance in media. Like, remember when people really thought, um, Andy McDowell loved Gerard Depardieu in that green card movie? Wasn't that called a green card? It's a green card. Definitely called green card where she had to, like,

fall in love with a literal troll. What does Gerard Depardieu do? It made him a sex symbol. So, maybe this will do the same for Benji. I don't know. I have high hopes. I mean, do we know what line of work Benji is in? I don't know. I feel like he works at Sephora.

I'm gonna just go with that. But I don't know. Well, he doesn't really work like that. I'd love to see... And I'm curious about the potential of like a Vanderpump Rules Valley crossover. If there is any, are we going to get any people who are on the Valley also making cameos on Vanderpump Rules? Like I've just been like thinking about that a lot lately.

I don't know because I think they're so young now. We were looking at the new cast that, well, like, the rumored cast or whatever, and they're so, they're like little babies. I don't, I just think it would look so weird for any of these people to walk in, you know? Mm-hmm. You know who I'm really missing? And let me know if you feel this way.

Uh, Tom Sandoval. Are you missing Sandoval? He's everywhere missing Sandoval missing him from this group Oh, I don't engage with anything that he does really outside of the Vanderpump rules universe So like I just am missing him. I feel like him and his crazy girlfriend Could be great on the valley We were robbed of that relationship. Victoria. Is that her name, Victoria? Victoria Lee Robinson?

Yeah, because that was nuts. And then she would, like, come for him on social media, but then be like, "'Oh, my mistake, he wasn't cheating, guys. I'm sorry.'" What is going on with these people? I kind of need to know what's going on with them too. Yeah.

I mean, if we're just gonna open the floodgates to shitheads, like, bring them on. Yeah, get them in the mix. Also, it's like, we need more like childless people on the Valley to kind of even it out. Like Doty's about to give birth to like the second coming of Christ. So like, we've got to get, we've got to get Sandoval and Victoria Lee in the mix.

I'm actually down for that idea, and I'm shocked that I'm down for that idea, because a couple years ago, I was like, disgusting! But yeah, that actually sounds pretty good. And mostly for Victoria, because I feel like I still see Tom Sandoval in like Traders or, I don't know, I feel like he still see Tom Sandoval in, like, Traders, or, I don't know, I feel like he's doing stuff. And videos on Instagram of people seeing him do his live music,

and he'll be in, like, some tiny little bar and still, like, doing this Freddie Mercury, like, shoulders and, like, knee popping or whatever the fuck he's doing off key, and just being so confident, you know? I feel like that's like enough of a cockroach like that he won't die. It's, it's kind of like Kristin, like she should have been done after that cancellation, but she's just kept kicking, you know, find a way. Yeah. The cream rises to the top you guys. So Benji, so we've talked and we went to see my mom and you know, he's still with his ex

because they're like, yeah, he's still married. You know that, right? So he's like, yeah, but I'm hotter. I'm hotter than the ex. Good for him. Yeah. So I guess this is on with Benj. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial.

Every big moment starts with a big dream. But what happens when that big dream turns out to be a big flop? From Wondery and Atwill Media, I'm Misha Brown and this is The Big Flop. Every week, comedians join me to chronicle the biggest flubs, fails, and blunders of all time like Quibi. It's kind of like when you give yourself your own nickname and you try to get other people to do it. And the 2019 movie adaptation of Cats.

Like if I'm watching the dancing and I'm noticing the feet aren't touching the ground, there's something wrong with the movie. Find out what happens when massive hype turns into major fiasco. Enjoy The Big Flop on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to The Big Flop early and ad-free on Wondery+.

Get started with your free trial at Wondery.com slash plus. Every successful business starts with an idea. And on the best idea yet, we're obsessed with those light bulb moments. Like how a bored barista invented the Frappuccino during his downtime, and then it got acquired by Starbucks. Or how Patagonia's iconic fleece was inspired by a toilet seat cover. On the best idea yet, we dive into the untold origin stories behind the products you're obsessed with and the bold risk takers who made them go viral. These are the wild ideas and insights

that made Birkenstock the best selling sandals since Jesus. And made Super Mario the most played video game in the history of attention span. Nintendo almost became a ramen company until Super Mario saved it. New episodes drop every Tuesday. Follow the best idea yet on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. And if this podcast lasts longer than 45 minutes, call your doctor. So now we go over to Nia and Michelle. Now, I thought having kids, seeing people with kids, like slowly, like the misery slowly

taking over their lives, I thought would be more fun. I don't know. Sometimes it is fun. The Cheese Fun Zone, I don't know if I'm into the Cheese Fun Zone, which is where they went. It made me sad. It makes me sad too. Like, just the fingerprints on all the surfaces and just like, you know, there's germs everywhere.

And I kind of... The kids on this show take me out of my, like, joy watching it because I'm like, it's sad to me that these kids have to deal with parents who are acting the way that these people do. And they're like, privy to so much, like, that they really shouldn're like privy to so much, like, that they really shouldn't be privy to.

So I would even say, like, let's just lose the kids entirely and like focus on the adults. Like, just show them occasionally so we know that you have them, but then I don't want to see them other than that. Because I agree with you, there's such a sadness to it, and like this in the cheese fun zone, for example. It's so bright, it looks like it should be a place of joy, but you know that there's like a smell of like, cleaner and poop.

And then the kids are so close to where their parents hang out, that like, Isabella's sitting there listening to her mom, diss the dad and call the dad a piece of shit and all of this. And I mean, her dad is a piece of shit. And I mean, but you know, I feel like every kid deserves to come to that realization on their own. Because that's like a very freeing moment where you realize that your parents are pieces of shit too,

just like everybody else. And we still, you know, they're people too, is what I'm saying. I'm not saying my parents are shit. But you know what I mean. And you should be maybe like 25 or even 30 or older before you really have to face that realization. Right, like you should have to take your dad out drunk from your wedding, you know what I mean? After hitting on a bridesmaid and being like,

dad, you gambled all my money away, you know, something like that. Like we have the right to go through that on our own. We don't need to hear about it in the cheese fund zone. Totally, and I honestly, after... After just like watching, especially like the Ruby Frankie about kids being on camera and stuff like that, I do have...

You know, I don't take a lot of ethical issues with pretty much anything that I watch, but like, I do feel weird about putting little children on reality shows when they haven't... When they don't have the ability to, like, really understand what they're on and, like, how their lives are being portrayed. Yeah. Like, Isabella's gonna watch this someday

and be like, my parents were like Caught like my dad was calling my mom a whore while I went and filmed a like a scene at Cheese Zone or whatever. Yeah, that's dramatic for a kid. Yeah Yeah, I think so too and I'm wondering if they're editing it to look like she's sitting so close But Michelle's talking shit and then you see the kid just kind of hanging over the little thing just watching and listening and I'm wondering if they're editing it to look like she's sitting so close, but Michelle's talking shit, and then you see the kid just kind of hanging over the little thing, just watching and listening, and I'm like, I don't... And I think the ethical thing is what bugs me about it,

because I don't like to feel that when I watch these shows, you know? I mean, I like being able to stay straight up, like, you're trash! I like that part. But the like, save the children, you know, I don't like that part. I don't like feeling like that. It hurts. No. It does. It ruins it for me. And that's the most important thing. Yeah, like think about me.

So we're in this cheesy fun zone and or cheese fun zone. Sorry, no disrespect. And it's me and Michelle and they're talking about this previous girls party, caviar party. We just want to apologize to you, Neil. We just want to apologize to you, Neil. We just want to apologize to you. And you know, anything we say, we're gonna say to your face, right?

We're gonna say, say, right to your face, right girls? Okay, bye. What a bitch, am I right? I was like, yeah, fuck her and her husband. He's like, what happened to Michelle after I left? And then Michelle's like, well, Jasmine was really upset and cried a lot. Yeah, she got super emotional and she felt triggered.

And so, Nia's like, well, you know, I know he apologized at a white party, so, you know, like, I can't stand up for him, but I hope she meets up with Daniel and they can discuss that. I just hope she doesn't talk to Dani. She talks to Daniel. I love the evolution of Dani into Daniel and who calls him Daniel versus who calls him Dani.

It's Nia is constantly in a place of Daniel now, and Dodie has started being like, Daniel, you should really speak to Daniel about that. Like, she's also in a place of Daniel, and I just love her loyalty. I think that'll drop the second she fights with Mia. It'll turn back into like, fuck Danny. You know, it's like respect.

It's like when someone, and in LA, I think we all have a lot of friends like this, or at least one that has changed their name midlife. They've just been like, guess what? I'm in Elijah now. And just been like, guess what? I'm an Elijah now. And you're like, no, you're not. You're Jessica.

But it takes a moment to be like, okay, I'm gonna go with this, you know? So it's like the, it's the common adult name change and it's Daniel. I mean, it's a totally different numerology, Daniel to Danny. I don't know if I'd become... Tell me about it.

Not only a different vibe, but the numbers. Think of the numbers. The numbers are different. Yeah, like my real name is Rondel, but I go by Ronnie. And if someone calls me Rondel, it's like different. It's a different intention, you know? Like you really know me if you call me Rondel. And Ron, you don't even fucking know me. Don't even try that. You're not Ron. I'm not Ron. No. The numbers don't work. The numbers don't really fucking know me. Don't even try that. You're not Ron. I'm not Ron. The numbers don't work. The numbers don't really work for me.

Um, so they're talking about this Danny thing, and Michelle's like, you know, um, let it... We have talked about you for two minutes now, so please let us talk about what a Bees of Jid jazzy is. And he called me a whore, and then you see... You see Isabella just watching all of this. And she's like, and he's always complaining about a mental health is a mental health that,

but I am not buying that. I'm not buying it. And he is like, narcissist, am I right? Normally, I would say everybody calls everybody a narcissist. Like, I don't think 99% of us are narcissists. We've got to stop using it. Like, are we Reddit? Have we just become Reddit? It's the hot, therapized, like, term of the moment, but truly, aside from Jax, who I think has, like,

been tested and certified by, like, a mental health institution as a narcissist... He's got, like, a Michelin star for fucking narcissistic. He does. He has three. He's a three-star narcissist. He's got like a Michelin star for fucking narcissistic. He does, he has three. He's a three star narcissist. I don't think that we should just throw it around. I was gonna add a however, we are watching Men on Bravo. And that is, Jesse is, I don't know what Jesse is.

I've got enough of my own issues to start diagnosing everybody else. I don't know if he's a narcissist. Can I just, can we just go back to general crazy? He does have like a psycho kind of vibe about him. Do you think I think I'm going to go with dead eyed psycho? What would you say? What would your diagnosis be? I agree with that.

And he does bear some similarity to Jackson that like he speaks one way about a situation to everyone else and then treats his wife or ex-wife slash baby mama like absolute dog shit. So that is fascinating to me, but also really scares me. And I feel bad for these women ultimately, because I'm like, to get a divorce, I mean, A, they really don't know how to pick them on these shows, but then to see them go through hell getting a divorce from these people is incredibly jarring.

And then it makes me glad that I'm not married. Oh, my God, me too. I've chosen the single life. And there are times where I'm like, this probably was not the best choice. Mostly when you're like, invited to a wedding. You know, there are some points where it sucks, you know? Mm-hmm. But then I watch these shows and I'm like,

nope. No. I'm not. Yeah, like I'm like... I'm doing the right thing. To be in an acrimonious divorce from a man who is not paying the mortgage anymore is like, just like fucking with all your money and like making life hard for you and your child with autism.

Like it's like, where does it stop? It never ends. And you're now in this forever. Yeah, especially on something like this, where you're on national TV, and then you're leveraging the social media against each other, you know? Because he's got so many followers, God knows why, but he can leverage those against her, and then he's got all of these trolls coming after her, calling her a bad mom, and you know, this and that.

And so to have that added element, I mean, ugh, gross. It's crazy. It is crazy. The real hope is that, and I do see him... going to jail eventually. Like, I think that that lies in his future. But hopefully it's sooner rather than later, and no one is seriously injured or perishes because of it.

Yeah, I said on the first episode of this season, like, this is gonna end up in, like, a murder, it's gonna end up in, like, a death. There will be a gun involved. This is not gonna end well. You know, so... No. It's dark to say, but it's a dark show, you know? It is. And if you're flipping...

I think you're comfortable, like, throwing furniture around your house and, like, flipping a coffee table at your wife, like you're comfortable with a lot of things. And he's still not saying, sorry, I flipped the table. It's still like, well, you texted my guy and that was my friend. You texted my friend, you texted my friend,

you texted my friend. You know, he keeps using that. And Jesse does the same thing, which is why I feel like it's important to diagnose Jesse with something on the armchair. Because Jesse is really bad too. He was on the Not Skinny, Not Fat podcast. Hey, girl. And, um...

I was reading the Vanderpod recaps, like, summary of it, and he's still like, well, that was such a regret... You know, his dead eyes. That was such a regretful moment, and, you know, I shouldn't have called her a whore, but... And then it goes on and on and on, with the but and the excuses. Like, you men never learn. The men never learn on these shows. They're scary men.

They are really scary. And the best case scenario is that, like, women watch these shows and learn, like, not to be with a man like that. Or if they identify that they're in a relationship with a man like that, they run. Well, I would hope so, but, you know, I guess the internet is so depressing too sometimes, because you see the women standing up for it

and being like, you didn't do anything wrong, Jax. You're trying to fix yourself. You're doing great, honey. You know, and then going to his shows and fawning all over him and trying to, you know, get his number and all of this. Like, hello. Are you watching the television? Are you paying attention to what's happening? It's insane to me, but also makes a lot of sense.

Like, when Jax decides that he's gonna move next to Tom Schwartz and like they're literally just gonna be like two losers who are 45 years old that will just like keep like plowing fans and like women will literally throw themselves at them. But it's also like that's very LA and kind of like, it's very men on Bravo coded. Yes, it's very men on Bravo coded. Yes, it's very men on Bravo. And it's very like, people who

write letters to prisoners coded. Do you think I feel like it's a similarity there? Check the outgoing mail, but there's a very close parallel. So they're talking about what a piece of shit Jesse is, which, you know, I agree. And Michelle, you know, they keep cutting to Isabella just kind of watching them. And, um, she's like, you know, and Isabella was telling me,

you know, I know you were married to Mommy, but if you get married again to the honey person, then that, you know, Jesse has to go to the wedding. And she's like, that's not happening. I will not invite him to my honey wedding. MICHELLE, it is also like, you don't do yourself any favors, because you're literally planting... like an underground bomb right now.

Like, you know that Jesse's gonna watch this eventually, and it's gonna just set off World War III... to say, like, you really want to get married, and Isabella told you she wants you to get married to Aaron, and, like, it's like... just... You don't have to say that. Yeah. It's getting uncomfortable with the broken relationships. Like, you guys are hurting my feelings at this point. Okay? They, especially Jesse and Michelle,

are like involved in some sick games that they like to like make other people participate in. Yeah. Yeah, because Brittany, I don't feel like plays the game back. She's just like, come on, you know, like she'll... She's like torture. I feel like she's tor... She plays it... I don't know. I feel like she's not really playing a game,

whereas Michelle will be like, -"Okay, it is on. It is on." Also, I don't know that I trust this new guy of Michelle's either, only because of his eyes. Those are not trustworthy eyes. Yeah, his crazy eyes. No, absolutely not. And they're leaning into it, like in the midseason trailer, it was all about him and his crazy eyes. And I was like, their days are numbered.

BOWEN Okay. So then we go over to Luke, Jason, and Danny at Heavyhanded, which I'm surprised that they went there and filmed in there, but you know, great milkshakes. So they go in there and Danny says, I think what probably 80% of the people who go in there say, which the people who work there must be so sick of hearing this, but you got a salad in this place? Moving to Santa Clarita, they're like, no, we don't have a fucking salad.

Do you want a burger or a shake with a French fry inside of it? What do you want? Those burgers look so good. Are they good, Have you been there? I don't eat meat and they don't have like a veggie... Yeah, it's not a street for me. I'm a pescatarian.

So I'm not like anything that I can be better than anybody else, unfortunately, like I don't really win moral points. I just don't like meat too much. So I don't go, unless it's like a water burger or something. But I don't go there much, but I water burger or something, but I don't go there much, but I have gone there and I was like, what a dump. I'll try your shake. No, it was pretty good. Okay. Good to know.

So if you ever want a mediocre shake, come over. Heavy handed. Heavy handed, baby. So, um, what I call it a mediocre shake. That wasn't nice. It was a good shake. Okay, so, can I have a shallot? I'm going to Santa Clarita soon. I love that they bought a home in Santa Clarita. What do you think of that? They finally got their... Danny finally got his wish.

I'm... scared, but I'm also scared of their apartment. Their condo really stresses me out. Their whole life stresses me out. Yeah. They're one of the darkest couples to me because clearly there's something... Honda really stresses me out. Their whole life stresses me out. Yeah, me too. They're one of the darkest couples to me because clearly there's something wrong that's not being publicly addressed.

And Nia, I just think that she really like settled for this guy and it didn't have to, her life didn't have to be like this. I mean, did any of ours? That's true. But I think, I don't know, you know what, I think that I'm just somebody who is like, everything's okay. I'm like that too, in a way. I mean, I'm very cynical on here and stuff. And I have a dark sense of humor,

but like with life events or people dying or people getting sick or stuff like that, I'm like, everything's fine. Everything's great. Ah! You know, like... I was like... You go Daniel mode. So, yeah, I look at Nia and I'm like, she's a hero. She's a hero to my people because no matter what's wrong,

she's just like, I will cry hero. She's a hero to my people. Because no matter what's wrong, she's just like, I will cry like Jacqueline Onassis at home. At home. And I like her a lot. Like, I'm very drawn to Nia. But... I guess that is just part of the experience of watching this show, is like, wishing that all of the women were with different partners.

Yeah, I think so. I think it's natural. It's the natural state of things. And it's like when you watch one of those shows where you watch somebody, it opens with the person being murdered or whatever, and then... Or like White Lotus, you know what I mean? Like, White Lotus ends with a death. You don't know who dies, and you don't know how they die,

but the whole show you spend wondering, how are their lives gonna be ruined? And I feel like that's the show. You know, you're waiting the whole time to see how their lives are ruined. And with people like Jackson Brittany, you know, it's taken, what, seven years or something? I don't know my timelines.

Like ten years almost. Yeah, to kind of see it all play out. So you just have to be patient, but it's like a reverse garden. You're just waiting to watch things shrivel up and, you know, expire. Thanks for coming, guys. Bye. At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours.

Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your

podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. So this is where Jason has decided to have his big talk. He's like, yeah, you know, Janet told me about the situation where she was in the pantry and then you went into the pantry and you chugged some tequila and he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, chugged? Chugged? No, no, not chugged.

Swallowed. I swallowed some tequila. Okay, well, you went in there and you banged back the handle. No, it wasn't banged back. It was just a tiny ship, a tiny ship with the tequila. Well, Janet was very uncomfortable. Danny, very uncomfortable. Thoughts, Laura?

He says he didn't have any more to drink than anyone else. Everyone else, they would drink tequila all day. You don't see anyone getting mad at them. He had one seltzer and took a swig of tequila with the big deal. But Flip patently falls. And he also makes it worse than it is, than it was, because he goes, what? I just went in to get a white claw. And that's also where the bottles of tequila were.

I was like, oh, so you were also getting a white claw too? Danny, come on, man. That was self-defense. I know. I'm also like, that afternoon you drank, you got a big red wine buzz on, then switched to a White Claw and a glug of tequila secretly. That's a brutal combination. It's not, and here's my, I guess, argument in defense of Danny with the drinking. It's not, and here's my, I guess, argument in defense of Danny with the drinking, it's not a pro-drinker combination. I feel like any alcoholic would not be like,

I'm gonna have wine and then a White Claw and then some tequila, and then, like a pro would not do that. And the night with just a big room temperature glug of tequila out of the bottle. Yeah. So I feel like he's an amateur as a drinker. I mean, is he using drinking in a bad way?

Possibly. I just, I don't know. It, I don't know. I don't care. I don't care. Is that, I just don't care. I don't care that he did it. I don't care, but I want it to be,

I want to see more of it. Like I want to see him have like three more moments on the show that are really like devastating. I'm ready for like a Kim Richards level, like crisis alcohol use. I don't think intervention. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think he can pull it off like Kim Richards. I mean, she really, I mean, wow. She really did a glorious turn with all of that. Like, she... Just her whole personality. And then remember when she got like the pit bull and the pit bull was out of control,

and then the pit bull was attacking people. Kingsley. And she's like, how dare you talk about Kingsley? You're a bad sister! And Kyle's like, uh, that child literally almost killed my children. And I'm like, Kingsley's a bad sister. Kyle's like, that child literally almost killed my children. He's like, no, Kingsley's a nice girl. And then Kingsley attacked the old lady across the street. And then Kim went to the Target and she got caught shoplifting.

And then she had to go on Andy Cohen and do a one-on-one about it. Oh, my God. I mean, Kim was like the fireworks at Universal Studios at the end of the day, as far as like alcoholism story. It really was. And Danny's just an amateur, I feel like. Yeah, it's like, I feel like maybe he just got to that place where you're tired and you're getting too drunk. Yeah, I don't know. I'm like, bring it or shit or get off the pot.

You know, go big or go home. Yeah, don't come here. Don't come here with the half-assed alcoholism story. Yeah, like sleeping in the bed. Like I'm like, you need to come guns blazing. Like bring me the razzle dazzle. Yeah. So Jason lays on the,

Janet feels uncomfortable. Dun, dun, dun. So, Janet really bugs me. So I'm like, shut up, Jason. You know, stop fighting for Janet. That's my feeling about it. Like, just let Janet do her own dirty work. I don't need you here doing Janet's dirty work, okay?

Go back to your low hood and your casseroles at home, and you're like, microwave mac and cheese. Fuck out of here, Danny. There's something about Janet. She's bugged me a lot. But this episode, I kind of turned a corner, and I was like, Janet, if you... I saw potential in her and that is in terms of her going head to head against Dodie, which I'm gonna need Janet to ramp it up

because there was a moment where she just said, like, Chris and Dodie thinks that she can outrun me, but I'm 10 steps ahead of her at all times. And I took that as, like, the ultimate challenge. And now I need her to see it through. And I think Janet might still be getting her sea legs, but she's one to watch in terms of, like... Villainy.

Just bringing villainry and like... conniving. Mm-hmm. And like a certain smugness to the mix. Yeah. Um, I think she's definitely got the smugness down and the conniving down, because you know, she did do, as far as like judging a villain, she did do a good job of just getting Kristen completely

cut off from the group. Really, with all that stuff last year. I mean, Kristen was kind of the reason. Kristen and Jax, and I guess to a degree, Britney, were the reason for the show, right? They were the regulars from Vanderpump Rules. And she got Kristen out pretty quick. And that was all stuff that kind of started with Janet.

Like, if you remember back to it, Janet was the one who said, watch out, because Michelle's a Republican, so she's probably racist, she's probably anti-gay, all this other stuff. And then Zach took what she said and repeated it to Brittany, and Brittany went and repeated it to everybody else. So Janet started all of that, and, or Kristen repeated it. Yeah, Kristen repeated it,

but Janet was the one who initially said it. But Janet's like, the thing is she's behind the scenes and then smug and plays like, I don't know, like so sweet. But I need her to step more into the forefront with her machinations. Yeah, less of the concern trolling. Like, well, I was just worried about your husband's drinking. And more like, we need to have a talk.

Your husband's a goddamn alcoholic. Here I have him on a ring cam, you know, hitting the ass of my Volvo or whatever, whatever she's going to do. But yeah, Or if you're concerned trolling, like do it with a wink at the camera or something where you're like owning what you're doing. I don't know, I guess I have a lot. I see potential in people and I really want them to step up to the plate and I'm seeing some potential in Janet. I'm not ready to write her off just yet. Okay, fair, fair.

So, Danny starts getting pissed because Jason won't really stop. He keeps going on with this, well, but no, no, no, let's talk about it, bro, because you were really, really, really bad, you know? And he's like, I was not drunk. He's like on with this, well, but no, no, no, let's talk about it, bro, because you were really, really, really bad, you know, and he's like, I was not drunk. He's like, you were drunk enough. Okay, listen, you didn't make dinner. You didn't make dinner, dude. You didn't make dinner. And that's what's kind of my sticking point with this whole

argument. One minute, you're saying Danny gets drunk and then does inappropriate things to his friends. Fine. That's an argument. I don't think anybody's in the wrong for that argument. But then Danny gets drunk and then he removes himself from the situation and goes to bed. So isn't that better? Like, I mean, I think that that's an improvement. Like he didn't come out and do anything mean to his friends, he went to bed. So I don't know, I felt like that was an improvement on Danny's part. Yeah, probably. And I feel like he and Nia had long talks

about how social you're allowed to be when you're going glug, glug mode. And she was like, Daniel, if you're gonna glug, you gotta go to sleep. Yeah. And so then they, as like a united front, made that decision. Oh yeah, good call. So Danny's like, okay, so Danny basically sees

he's about to just have an alcoholism storyline. Meanwhile, they've got Jax, who no one has said anything to this entire show, really, until Jax was ready to go. Yeah, like, no, he's not really having an alcoholism or a cokehead storyline. He's having, like, a mental health... They head storyline. He's having like a mental health. They keep calling it like the mental health facility. Yeah.

They still won't give him the full- Is it rehab? Well, I think it's rehab because Zach, I think it's rehab with mental stuff built in. Is all rehab like that now? I don't know. I've never been. I don't know. I haven't been either, but I don't think rehab

The rehabs that I have been aware of aren't allowing you to like leave and go home to like run an errand Yeah, that's weird Like take the hey take a break and just go take off all the playing cards from the security cameras and when you're done come back Yeah, I'll have some more therapy And when you're done, come back. It'll be fine. We'll have some more therapy. Yeah.

Or I don't know of rehabs that diagnose you with things, like bipolar disorder and stuff. So that's why I don't know if it's a mix of... Like, they can't do that at AA, you know what I mean? They can't just like diagnose you. But yeah, I think maybe it's a mix. Maybe it's like a hybrid. I don't think they do a good job.

He's gonna leave early anyways. Yeah, he's not gonna stay. Yeah. Yeah, I can tell you this, it's probably not a good one, because I don't think they helped him on many fronts from what we've seen. So, Danny is now kind of in the position of having to stand up for himself against this alcoholism charge. So he's getting pissed and he's like, what is going on here?

And Shanna Barber said, dude, it was not a big deal. And then we see a flashback to Jason saying, listen, if Janet got wasted and passed out, I wouldn't be like, oh, Janet's wasted and passed out. You're fine. You're totally fine. I would just say, Janet's sleeping. So, I don't know why everybody's upset with you. That's not a big deal. And so now, he's coming back, making it a big deal.

So, obviously, Danny's like, so, is this Jason? Or is this Janet? Janet, the puppet master, pulling all the strings. Yeah. But it's both. You know, I don't think Jason gets off the hook, Janet, the puppet master, pulling all the strings. Yeah. But it's both, you know, I don't think Jason gets off the hook, just even if Janet made him do it, you know? So then Jason's like, well, I thought you were going to be like, sorry, you know, so

they have this conversation a little while and he's like, and also, Jasmine felt very triggered because the last time she saw you in that state, like, drunk, things happened. So she had PTSD from Halloween. And, you know, I know you apologized, but she still feels a certain way. So, Jason's like, Jasmine's a good friend. You do something to Jasmine, you do something to me.

And five minutes later, Jasmine's like, he's not wearing his wedding ring. And... Thrown under the bus. Jasmine and Zach sacrificed at the altar of heterosexuality so that Doty can make allegations against her worst enemy, Jason. You've just been sacrificed.

John, John, John. So, Danny is like, I'm disappointed and ashamed with myself. Here's one good thing Bravo gives the men on this channel. The chance to learn to give really shitty, insincere apologies. They're so good at it on this show. Like, I was watching...

It is incredible, the hoops that they jump through in order to give, like, a really unsatisfying apology over and over and over. I liked when Danny specifically said, I was sick, I was on antibiotics, I don't remember everything that happened. I was like, not the antibiotic excuse. I know you're not using an antibiotic excuse, sir.

I was backed out from all the... You was. I was trying to think of an antibiotic name. Doxycycline. That's literally is what Misha Barton said happened to her in like, there was like a report of her getting like blackout. I think she ended up going to the hospital partying too hard like back in like 2007, 2008.

And her excuse is like, she was just on antibiotics and things took a turn and no one saw it coming. I was like, this is a tale as old as time. Like you can't use Misha's excuse. That's the oxycodone guys. I think Meredith Marks used that too, didn't she? At one point she was like, I was not on drugs. I was on cold medicine. I mean, it was something like that where she was accused of one of the times she was accused of being a drug. She was like, how dare you? It was oxycodone.

It was, yeah. Wait, is oxycodone like oxycontin or is oxycodone the antibiotic? I think oxycodone and oxycontin are like sisters. Okay, so then I didn't mean that. Or cousins and then like doxycycline and like. Okay, yeah. Like ironies. A Z-pack, it was a Z-pack.

Yeah, it was the classic Z-Pack blackout that causes just me to become a groped monster and go into get daddy a drink mode. So Danny and Jason ended to stalemate. They're both pissed now. And Jason disagrees with Danny. So Danny says, sis, the lawyer. And he's like yeah actually

and he goes not the friend you're talking like a lawyer and not a friend. Congratulations you've reached the end of part one of a two part recap for part two go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckas. Watch what crap ins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. It's always a party on Alison Block.

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