Watch What Crappens - #2898 The Valley S2E10: Sexy Unique Divorce Papers - Live from Hollywood

Episode Date: June 20, 2025

It’s an epic episode of The Valley: Jax returns home only to be mocked by Zack and served by the courts. We could want nothing less. Listen to our Love Island bonus episodes and participate in live episode threads at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens.  Tickets for our final Seattle and LA tour dates on sale at watchwhatcrappens.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Watcher Crappin's ad free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. My name is TJ Raphael. I'm the host of Liberty Lost, a new podcast about who gets to be a mother and the control of young women hidden behind the veil of faith. Binge all episodes of Liberty Lost ad-free right now on Wondery+. Goodbye, Carl! Hello Los Angeles. So nice to be back in a gluten-friendly town.

Thank you so much for being here. Thank you, thank you, thank you. On the closing night of the Mounting Hysteria Tour. We've had such a great fucking time on this tour. So good. And it's so great to end it home. I will say that tonight there will be hysteria and there might be mounting, so get excited. Also welcome to the darkest

fucking show we've done. I know. I think this is this has to be the darkest episode we've covered since the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Holocaust episode. Yeah. That we did last. It's a great time. No this tour has been so wonderful going across the country we've seen a lot of Bravo celebrities along the way. We started off with Angie Kay coming to one of our shows. We had the crappies. But I feel like I've learned so much. I feel like I've learned a lot from you, Ronnie.

Aw, man. For instance, I've been getting a lot of questions about this shirt tonight already. And I'm proud to say this was purchased at Ross Dress for Less. And furthermore my belt is from Old Navy. Actually I own that belt. Thank you Ronnie for teaching me everything. I love that. I thought you were gonna say Temu and watch you get slaughtered. You can't say that around here.

It's not the right crowd for that. Yeah, we're a different breed here. My family, my sister and my nieces are here visiting from Texas. Love you. And my niece has like sinus issues. So she called her doctor who is in Texas. And it's so funny the difference between us and them. Like our doctor's like, oh my God, you know,

they'll like sit there calmly talk you through it. This was literally this guy. He's like, hey, what you got, a rash or something? What is it? Oh, sinuses. I'll hold you 20. You know what you need? A break.

What are you doing? Drinking every night? What are you out there drinking? You partying? Is that what you're doing? What are you, limbo? Is that what you need? A break. What are you doing? Drinking every night? What are you out there drinking? You partying? Is that what you're doing? What are you limbo? Is that what you guys do now? What are you twerking? What are you twerking all night? Stop doing the shots, all right? Just relax. All right, go to bed.

I want to talk to you while you're sleeping. Next time I talk, go to bed. Is this... Was the doctor Seth Marks? We were... He really sounded like that. What are we doing here? What's your body count?

You got some anal going on with that? You spit, you swallow? Tell me, I'm like your dad. Talk to me like you're talking to your dad. No, but we are so excited you all are here. We have, especially because this is a hometown show for us. So, I've got to shout out all my family and friends, including my wonderful boyfriend, we have, especially because this is a hometown show for us. So I've got a shout out to all my family and friends, including my wonderful boyfriend, Dominique, who is here tonight.

Yes! We love Dominique. But it's also just great to be in a room of Bravo Watchers because earlier today I was, I was with a group of people who are all awesome and everything, and we were playing a game, and my role in the game was Bone Collector. That was the name of my role. So I was like, hey everyone,

I'm Sheree Whitfield, I'm the Bone Collector, and everyone just stared at me silently. I was like, I'm just going to wait until later tonight. Yeah, years ago I did a performance art show here, which I know. But it's the only way I can get away with doing like comedy or whatever. And so my piece was reading from Ramona Singer's autobiography. And I did it just like her. I was like, whoa, you know what?

My name is Ramona Singer. I grew up in a family and then of course I didn't read it before I got up there. And it's like, oh I came from an abusive father. And I was like, oh. And then I'm stuck there, like doing this fucking cartoon voice with this woman doing a forward about being abused by her father.

You know what, that's just what happened, okay? Okay, you know what, that's it. Three some spaghetti at my face. I said, boy, that's it, okay? At the end know what that's it. There's some spaghetti at my face. I think boy that's it Okay at the end of the day, it doesn't even matter because I look young and Avery looks old. Okay There have been so many good Bravo stars over the years and we've been blessed to cover it so many of them and meet So many of them and shows like this and tonight is no exception so many of them and meet so many of them at shows like this and tonight is no exception we got so lucky not only meeting this guy today but we got him

here on his hero edit of the valley to us the number one guy of the group please welcome Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham.

Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham.

Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wickham. Zach Wick't see anybody. Okay. Number one guy. Number one guy, right? Number one guy.

Number one guy. Number one guy. You can take it out if you want to. The one that's just holding. You know, the louder you say it, the more it hurts Jax. And we like that. So I almost wore a number one guy in there but then I was like no we don't no you don't want to give his merch any. No. Well that's true. I think the only merch any of us are thinking about are like a Jax's hat and a Jax'sitty so that we can all have something comfortable to do coking. Whatever he said yes.

Zach, so welcome to the show. What a season you're having. Not only a season, as Ronnie mentioned, the perfect Zach week on the Valley. Like, I was... Did anyone else feel so proud? Didn't it feel like our child grew up this week? During Pride, no less. Where's my graduation certificate? I know. I feel like I've graduated. You have. You graduated.

You had a big scene where you went up against one of the biggest villains on Bravo, and you won. And he ran away crying like a little bitch That was my favorite part actually was him running away Yeah, I will say though I've never understood the biggest villain on Bravo or the biggest villain thing for Jack's because I've always confronted him and done this my entire life. He just was gone for the season so I didn't have my chance. Oh He was at an Airbnb somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. Do we have proof? I was like, I don't have, I asked Brittany, do we have a receipt? And she was like,

I think there was a $30,000 bill. I don't remember. Girl, Brittany doesn't even know how to check her mortgage balance. She ain't gonna, she gonna ask him for receipts. I did her taxes on her house this year. So, well, it was like, it was a, hold on. Let me, I helped them with some paperwork or whatever when it was like, after Jax, you know, dropped the ball and the ball was hidden, so.

So. Well, he's never dropped an eight ball. No, he can juggle those quite well. So how are you enjoying being on the battle? You're now two seasons in. How is it feeling? How are you being received? What's it like? I mean, I feel like even in my normal life

with people in general, I feel like I am one of those people that I'm an acquired taste. It takes people often when they meet me are like, this isn't real. This is what is this? And I think that's how people are to tall people. Are you surprised that he's so tall? He's really tall.

I didn't know he was tall. He's a tall drink of water is how tall he is. He's six foot ten handsome How big are how tall are you? Six foot four. Six four! They're giving you the Mr. Jefferson edit on that because you don't look tall on there They you know what sucks is like I'm like when Jason Jason six two Luke six almost like three so like most of the people that I'm well then I mean Jesse and Danny are like midget yeah maybe that's why they do it

so maybe that I don't know but like I guess the Tom Cruise evening out where they go they only let me when like I'm sitting down and that's the scene and I'm like that's so everybody comes up to me at like meet and greets or the bar and they're like you're kind of tall. Yeah, you're so tall. That's what they know. I'm like I'm fixing That's the one thing I will fix next season. Everyone's gonna know that I am taller than everybody You need to exercise your tall privilege. Okay, that's a bullshit like watch Mission Impossible. All those action stars are sitting down Also, if you have tall privilege and you can't use it what is it there for you know what I mean like

what did my mom sit in birth for 36 hours for exactly by the way I came out two feet two feet well not out of her vagina her stomach because you just I was like down yeah pretty much why do I. Yep, pretty much. Why do I feel like you being Berk was like, oh my god, it was ridiculous in there. Stewie Griffin, like straight up, like Stewie Griffin, that was me in the womb, was like, I redecorated. Yeah, for sure. Disgusting. 100%. So, wait, one thing that people may or may not know is that you used to be the personal

assistant to some celebrities. One first was Nicole Scherzinger, correct? Yep. Oh, wow. Congratulations. Seven years on and off. How was that? It was an adventure.

No, listen. So I've known Nicole since I was a kid. Her little sister was one of my best friends growing up. And she's from Louisville, Kentucky. I know, crazy. Jennifer Lawrence, Nicole and me. Yeah, the trio. And yeah, so like I've been.

The Sleuthers? I would literally love to watch that movie. Nicole Shearsinger, Jennifer Lawrence, and Zack. I'm watching it. Trust me, I constantly told Nicole, I'm like, can we get some cameras in here? That's why like on Andy's radio show or whatever, she was like, Zack always talks... I'm like, number one, I don't always talk about reality TV or wanting to be on it, so let's correct that.

It was, she always said, you need a reality show, and I go, I know. And then you also were an assistant, not an assistant, but you worked for, and I honestly, this to me, I'm more star-struck by this, and I'm also more terrified by it, but you worked for Kelly Catrone? Yeah.

Former Bravo star? Oh damn, I hope all of the people but you worked for Kelly Cotron? Yeah. Former Bravo star. Oh, damn. I hope all of the people that you were assistants for work in Sunset Boulevard. Because I would love to see Kelly Cotron just being like, I'm the greatest star of all. Cry outside, you stupid, stupid motherfucker.

Get out of my mansion. I'm not going to lie. Kelly is one of the greatest, most like kind and compassionate humans. I swear, I swear, I'm not even lying, I'm not, she's not paying me, I promise. Roll with it. No, but I swear, she's so good. But now is she a hard ass? Is she all of those things?

Absolutely. But I feel like we like really connected and we had a great rapport. We had a ball, we had a fun rapport. I mean, we had a ball. We had a fun ass time. Yeah, but you don't cry at work. You're not like a crier at work. I'm not a crier at work. I cry out of work.

Yeah, like you should. That's what Kelly Catrone was trying to teach us. Do you think you would have been able to fare so well on the Valley if you had not had formative years under Kelly Catrone? Because I feel like that toughens you, right? You know what? I'm going to have to give it up to Kelly and Nicole

and I'm not going to lie, LA in general, for really forming me and molding me into someone who can literally withstand and hold my own in any situation. Yeah. Thank you. So everyone go work for Nicole Scherzinger and Kelly Catrone and you'll be fine. And so what... Make Jesus great again. And then in terms of... Okay, so I have to go. No.

Wait, so who are you on good terms with in your cast? Wow, that came out of nowhere. Who am I good terms with on my cast? I will say, it went really silent. It got real, you all really calmed down. They're waiting. I just heard like, uh. I saw lights with people texting and then it went down immediately.

And they were like, say it, Zach. Say it. Say it. We know what you want to say. I'll say this. There, we had the reunion early, as you all know, because Kristen and Nia were pregnant and now have babies. Yay!

Yay, this week. They're so beautiful. Kaia's amazing. I haven't met Nia's baby yet, but like, how do... She named her baby Adelaide, which I think is... Cute, that's a cute name. Cute, but I pre-told her that I'm gonna call this baby Addy and that is what I call my Adderall So I was like well would it would be fitting she is on this cast

I was like girl just know because before she was having the baby She gave me like a bunch of names and I kept going Nope, they're gonna be made fun of here's the nickname that I would give them if I was bullying them And like I literally went down a list the nickname that I would give them if I was bullying them. And I literally went down a list of how I would bully her child when it got older with the name that she was giving it. And so she did change it from what I bullied her out of. Oh, wow.

I'm like, what a nice name. It's like guys and dolls. You're like, it's like Adderall. So is there anyone that you're maybe a little bit on pause with? See, I thought I did so good skirting that question. Yeah, so you filmed the reunion early. I gave you fucking narrative.

I gave you behind the scenes shit that nobody knows. I'll go with your skirt then. OK, so you filmed the reunion early. I'll just say, I'll just say. Was it difficult having already filmed the reunion, but then seeing all this shit happen? Because you guys hadn't seen all the episodes yet, right? When you filmed the reunion.

No, we had seen all the episodes. Oh, okay. We had not seen... The audience is... Huh! Well, wait, am I not supposed to say that shit? I'm sorry. No, no, no, that's that's known I think well, I mean, I guess it's not. No, we were so right before the reunion we were given the episode we had to watch them. How can you have a reunion when

you don't know what's going on? So we did see them. But what we did not see, I'm probably not supposed to be saying any of this, whatever, I don't care. We didn't see the after show. Oh yeah, could you shoot the after show as? It all goes down in the after show. Bitch, that changes everything. Yeah, the after show's like a whole other experience. Most of the comments I think on all of the episodes

are about the after show, the stuff that we've done on the after show. Yeah. Yeah. Shiz. Well, it's great. It's not like, cause I'm sitting, you know, now I've seen them, I'm like, oh, whatever.

And like, oh, I'll watch the after show. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, wait, what? No, no, no. And then I'm like, what do I do? I can't tweet that. I can't. I gotta wait. I gotta wait. Oh wait, the reunion's over. So it's like, what am I waiting for? Well, if you ever need to have a nice talk about it, you guys can come do a Zoom call with us and watch our crap and we've been here before. I just want to say one thing before we wrap up with you is that I just want to say one one thing before we wrap up with you is that I just want

to say I do not like the way the straight men talk to you on the show and I feel like that deserves to be treated better by those guys. I feel like they have the audacity sometimes because they're so insecure with them their like own selves that they project and they just kind of fall back into those high school ways but it's okay because it don't like let me put it this way nothing bothers me I Jesse like sent a message the other day which Jesse and I are well okay fine we're cool but he sent me a message and was like hey I didn't realize I said that like that, like, I'm really sorry about, like, the throwing off the cliff. And I go, bitch, I laughed. And I was like, and if I had the chance, they probably cut the part where I said I would, like, have thrown you off something.

Like, it's okay. Like, that's part of whatever. But, um, I feel like they feel, they really regress into this. Yeah, this like high school mentality and Yeah, I just don't fuck with that though. And so like they can do whatever they want to me, but like I'm still gonna be here. Yeah Listen as a famous gay once said sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will always read you Now listen before you go I feel like we should have like a little toast. Should we? Let's get some more wine out here. Do we have someone to bring us out some booze? Yeah I need some wine. Oh wait we have someone here. Oh yes young lady. Oh my god it's Hannah from below deck med. June June Hannah. Jun Jun Hannah.

Everyone give it up for Hannah, one of our favorite Chief Steves of all time. Thanks for keeping me entertained while I'm home with the baby. I'm gonna get in so much trouble for this interview, y'all. What a great crowd. Oh my god, now we can see that. Well, Anna, it's so good to have you here. I love you. All right, well, let's-

I love you. It's always so good seeing you. I saw that you were at dinner with Captain Sandy, you, and Aisha. How was that? It was very good and Nadine, our amazing show runner. It was good. Yeah? Yeah, good.

You and Sandy getting along these days? We are, we are. I think we've both chilled out a little bit. That's good. So is there any chance you'll end up back? I don't think so. I don't think I could sleep in those little bunks anymore. I've got like a California king at home. What about traders? Would you do traders? I think I'd do traders. With me? Let's do it together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'll be the traders and just kill everyone. And no one will know we have an alliance except watch what crapens. Just the few hundred people that are here. You can just pour it in there. Alright everyone, cheers to an amazing tour. Thank you both for coming on. Thank you. Love you. Love you.

Love you, Zach. Cheers. Thank you and cheers everyone. Thank you both for coming. Zach and Hannah. Also, fuck Jax. I just had to say it. Fuck Jax.

Yes. Thank you so much. I'm going to give this to you to bring backstage. Just bring it backstage. Oh, I was like, you want me to continue? Thank you so much, everyone. That's very grassy. Thank you. Oh, here,, that's very grassy. Thank you.

Oh here, one minute, hand it down. Wow. Alright, yeah, actually that was a great idea and Hannah stole my opening line. I would love to just start this recap out by saying, fuck Jaxx. One, two, three. Fuck Jaxx. Thank you.

You can never say it too much. I feel so much better saying that with a whole group of people. Oh my god. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappins commercial. Today is the worst day of Abby's life. The 17 year old cradles her newborn son

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or wherever you get your podcasts. We acting bad, bad, bad, bad. We ain't trying to hurt nobody. For decades, he was untouchable. I've gone from Harlem to Hollywood. But now, it's all coming undone Sean combs the mogul as we know it is over he will never be that person again even if he's found not guilty of these charges.

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the one 3 app Spotify or Apple podcast right now. Well first of all the all the husbands thank you so much for being here. Yeah, you do not have to stay if you need to go watch your balls being thrown feel free to go into that back bar. But thank you for being here and being such supportive husbands because we know you all are. We've met you. And they're like, my husband will watch it with me.

And I'm like, God bless you. I'll give you a child. That was such an exciting way to start for us. And what I love is that now we get to recap one of the best episodes of the year. Yes! It's going to be a fun one. This is going to be long so if you need to pee, feel free to go pee.

Just don't talk in each other's ears. Okay are you ready? Let's do it! Yai yai yai yai. Watermelon bicycle. Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather. Hmm. All right.

Previously on The Valley. Hi, it's me, Shina Shay. I spent $3 million to move to The Valley and get to be on the show. No, you don't want me? No? Anyways, guys, I finally did it. No, you don't want me? No? Anyways, guys, I finally did it.

I loved Jezzy. Oh, that's cool, Michelle. That's really cool. That's awesome. Guys, I did it. I finally left Jazz. Yes, yes, finally. Someone finally gets divorced around here.

Oh my god, yes, best divorcing person ever. Cigal, mariposa. Okay, you know what, you know, so I threw a coffee table and broke a few walls. I mean, why should I have to go to rehab? I mean, you're ruining my life. You need your system succubus. You're a cocaine addict There I said it you're a coke addict

But I'm only a coke addict on the weekends. It doesn't count get out Hey guys, it's me. It's Jax I'm in a mental health facility right now Because I want to be a better person. It's just like, ah, like, by the way, you should come down and see my bar. We can take some shots, talk about mental health. I'm a good person now. Bloop, I just got a text from Drax.

Listen here, you clown-fuzz Minotaur, I've been in rehab for 10 minutes after Lauren Ferns were at you and you can't even visit me or bring me coke. What the fuck kind of wife are you? Hey, that's not nice. I'm taking Mammoth beer cheese out of your bar. Danny, you got drunk at a bar, grabbed my ass, made me call you daddy, and then tried to take a big bite

out of my throat while screeching like a walking dead zombie. Yeah, I did. You like that? No, no, that was disgusting. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't remember a thing. Three under three. I got three under three, baby. Guys, it's me, neighbor and friend Sheena Shea.

It's Sheena's Famous Enchil night. You want to shoot a scene about it? Hey guys, to celebrate Michelle cheating on an innocent man and ruining his life, I'm inviting you all to stay in a house in Santa Barbara. Ah cool, does she know about you calling her a whore in the gosh chat? Whoops. How dare you. I am the mother of your child. Women, right? J'onnette, let's celebrate being in Santa Barbara by calling a truce. I'm completely over it, Zach.

I'm just glad you could apologize for saying that you wanted to murder my unborn child. Um, no, I didn't say that. And then tying me up and putting me in the trunk of your car. I did not say that. Never said that. And then digging a hole in your backyard and trying to bury me alive. Um, that's too far. I don't have upper body strength for digging just say you're sorry, Zach Okay, sorry. Thank you. I taped this so I can play it to my child who is still very uncomfortable Jesus Christ

Guys, I have to tell you something really really dark about dark side Danny. I was in the closet looking looking for stuff to make casseroles. And Dark Side Danny came in and took a secret Dark Side Danny chug of Dark Side Danny tequila. And Dark Side Danny made me very, very Dark Side, hold on, wait for it. Uncomfortable. Oh no, oh no.

By the way, is anybody called Jax? I really miss that guy. What a good person. We need to get him back here. Hey guys, here I am in rehab. Thinking about all the things I've done wrong and like, ugh. I just, I could list them all here, but I forgot what they were.

And if I did them, it's only because Brittany made me do them anyway I'm just so grateful I mean just that I'm a changed man now. Bloop! Yo! Jax is texting me! You dumb hooker. I've got cameras in the side of Barbara house so I can see everything your stupid faces do. Don't even go to bed to that, cause you know what? I'm under the bed. I'm under the bed. I'm eating your foot right now. You taste like a chicken wing. You know, Janet, I really miss that guy. I'm gonna call Jax, yeah. Zoc, Janet's telling everyone your husband is an alcoholic.

That's not very nice. Oh yeah? She wants to mess with my best friend? Well, her husband doesn't wear his wedding ring when he does the dishes at night. Guys, guys, Jax comes out of rehab tomorrow, so let's change the name of Jax's for a night to Brits so she can know what it's like to run a sad rundown makeshift bar in a parking lot tent for a day. Yo, y'all are so sweet, you were the best friends a girl could ever have.

Bloop. Oh god, I just got another text message from Jacks. I just had to check into a hospital with high blood pressure, hypertension, rickets, restless leg syndrome, alopecia, halitosis, blephoplasty, and SIDS. Now will someone please shoot a scene with me? Oh, this is from Sena. This is just from Sena. Corner! And scene. Now you're all caught up. So it's the return of Jax.

The return of Jax. The home goods finally made Jax get off of whatever couch he's been sleeping on for three weeks. Does anybody believe Jax was in rehab? I'm loving this audience tonight. I really feel like we're at a town hall talking about whether or not to build a highway through town. What do we want? Fields!

What do we not want? Highways! It's great. Keep it up. So we start with Brittany and she's playing with Cruz and they're playing with an alphabet puzzle and I was like, who's learning? I like when we can both learn together. We can just learn together. Bless her heart.

Hey, JX is coming out of the facility today and I'm extremely nervous about it, okay? And I've had to do a little bit of peace knowing that he was in there And I was safe, but now now I'm not safe. So then we get Jesse picking up Jax from rehab and It's a Denny's it's just a Denny's So Jax gets in and Jesse's like wow, man I'm like so proud of you. Like just listen, from one emotionally abusive narcissist to another, good for you. I mean, what have you been in that hoodie for 30 days?

It's like, thanks bro. Have you ever changed out of that hoodie? Thanks bro, I just got my 30 day token. That's a piece of Joe Bazooka gum, but we'll accept it. Okay, good. You snorted your token. He's like, yeah, I did it. I mean, you know, I didn't think I was going to be able to do it.

But then when I remembered I wasn't actually in rehab, I was able to do it. So it's great. Jesse actually tells him, oh, your 30-day chip? Wow, you better keep that on you at all times. Oh, he will. Trust me. He will wield that at any times. Oh, he will, trust me. He will wield that at any chance.

How could you be mean to me? 30 days. Listen, I got a lot of feelings because I know I'm walking into a shit storm, but it's all about how I handle it. My anger's just been such an issue all my life, but it's all about how you handle the anger. Not a problem at all for me. I went to rehab. Totally fine.

He's like, you know what? I really like rehab because like, you know, like I felt safe in there. I felt safe. No one could hurt me in rehab. I mean, I could hurt them, but there's only so many nurses, you know, I got kind of bored. There's only so many nurses, you know, I got kind of bored Looking great Jack's He literally says I just don't want to go back to my old ways because it's a very easy to slip and then it cuts him Directly going to like man. I am back some serious shit some serious serious stuff I'll take to the grave with my mother and guess what who visited me no one. I Mean I'm crying non-stop there it was just one thing after another I mean this right up there

with my father's death everything in life is tough. For a moment you might think he's being like introspective except this is a script that he then uses for the rest of the episode. And also just for those of you without any kind of addiction problems first of all you must be fun at parties. Remind me who not to sit next to tonight. But the other thing is, you don't get visitors in rehab. Yeah, that's what was weird to me. Has anybody considered that?

I haven't seen that at all. How is it even normal that you're asking for visitors in rehab? I was wondering about that. I haven't been to rehab, but I thought you just get isolated from the world. Anyway, it's Jack's rehab, so who knows? Yeah. I mean, I'm poor, so my help has always been Salvation Army style, but still. Okay.

That got dark. Welcome. Welcome to the next five hours of your life. I know. So Jax is, somehow he's managing to blame other people for this right away. He's like, you know what? I was just never, I was never held accountable for my actions. Yeah. Nobody ever held me accountable. Like I'm so glad you guys have to do it because certainly nobody else in my life is gonna do it. Jesus Christ, count on a fucking woman to do it. That's for fucking sure.

Let me tell you something, bro-han. The days of no one taking you accountable are over. Okay, can we start with your blush? I mean, if you're Jax's true friend and you're gonna hold his ass accountable, be like, are we contouring now? What the fuck are you, Lego man? Stop.

What are you doing? You're making yourself look like more of a meth head. Listen, no, no, no, no. The accountability starts today and no one's going to hold you more accountable than me. So if you want to complain about Brittany right now, I will not say a word. Continue. So Jax, of course, is like, I'm not making excuses. I'm not making excuses, man. I'm not making excuses, you know?

It's just like, what the fuck? Why is everybody making me do drugs all the time? It's like fucking crazy. So Jesse's like, look, no one's giving you a break. Everyone understands what's going on, but everyone's also hurting. He's like, nobody's hurting. They're all partying. If you're all partying if

you're all hurting they would have come to visit me you know who came to visit me not one fucking person not even my wife of ten years not even my wife and to top it off I found out that she had a party at my bar last night and she called it Brits I mean the night before I get out of rehab now I mean it admittedly if this had been countless Luanne saying this it would be hilarious Could you believe it? They had a party in my cabaret the night after I got out of rehab Can you even believe it and not a single person visited me? Literally anybody else saying it would have been funny. No what and how could you do that to me? I

You know what? How could you do that to me? I spend a few days in rehab and then I find out that they're having a party at my bar calling it Brits. I don't even know who that is. Who's that person? When did I get a bar? What's going on? So you're gonna just have a party in my bar while I'm in rehab? That's what you're gonna do? You're just gonna call it Brits instead of Bethany? Okay, that's a cheetah brand right there. Cheetah bar. Cheetah bar. Cheetah bar. Cheetah bar. You're a slut. You're a slut. Stupid cheetah bar. Go back a slut. You're a slut. Stupid cheetah bar. Go back to rehab.

You're a stupid person. You're a stupid slut. Oh wait. By the way. This chicken salad is good. This chicken salad. Hold on. The pigtails.

Let's have the pigtails. I could use some more. I could use some more. That's good. That's good. Okay. So. So, Jax is doing his haul.

You know, it's tough. I mean, it's not easy, you know? You try to do the right thing. You know me, Jax, the guy who tries to do the right thing constantly. You try to be a good father. I mean, I told my kid, like, you want to learn what it's like to be a man? Good, I'm kicking you out of the house at three years old. What's your name again? Because I'm learning how to use fucking Airbnb, you little douchebag.

So he comes to the house and he looks and he sees all his stuff in trash bags, which I'm still laughing. Yes, yes. I'm still laughing at Kristen putting one shoe in one trash bag at one or the other. it was just so perfect. So he's going through seeing this he's like I'm not gonna you know what like she can't keep everything in here like I got brand new everything you know like I'm not gonna take her dishes I'm not gonna take her cups wow fucking generous Jax. Thanks Jax. I'm even gonna give her my uh fucking $20,000 love sack couch. Was anybody else surprised that he has a love sack couch? I'm sorry.

I've been into that store. Those couches are very comfortable and for $20,000 they better come with a team of whores on them to please me. $20,000. So Jax is like, you know what? I'm doing this all for my son, okay? I'm not taking anything from this home. I'm doing this all for my son, okay? I'm not taking anything from this home. I'm gonna do it for my son.

As soon as I get my haircut, as soon as I get my Botox, as soon as I go tape an episode of Watch What Happens Live, I'm doing it for my son. What's his name again? You know, I read on Reddit, because you know I am watching that shit, but when he was on Watch What Happens Live,

they apparently brought up his going to get a haircut and stuff, and he's like, what? I was trying to look good for my son. What is this? Is this like, she's all that as Jackson to come down a staircase to like, kiss me? He was ridiculous on Watch What Happens Live. I watch it and this is every, just ask a question Ronnie. Any, just ask me any question. Alright, she's got boobs and he loves lube. It's Jax, okay Jax.

What do you think about algebra? What do you think about it? You know what, like algebra, like you know I'm trying like, you know it's hard with all those letters but it's my control issues and I'm working on numbers and it's just like, you know, I'm trying, like, you know, it's hard with all those letters, but it's my control issues, and I'm working on numbers, and it's just like, I apologize. I was a crazy person during algebra, but like now I'm totally down with Xs and Ys. It's great. Yeah. I'm totally different.

Fuckin' Jacks. Everything was that, every single thing. I saw clips of them every time they asked a question to America. It's like, America, who do you hate the most? You know, Hitler or, you know, Jax is like 100% Jax. Fuck Jax. So, you know, there's a lot going on in the country right now, but it was one moment where I think I could watch TV and say, I'm proud of us. Yeah. America did two things. Like, there were two things that brought America together this week.

There was us voting on those polls, and there was us voting to recouple Jeremiah with Iris. Good job, America. We still have it in us. So Jax is going on a rand. So he's like, he's doing this all for the child and then he says I mean no woman needs a five-bedroom house I mean you are a woman with a child you should be living in a cave with some dust on the

floor and be happy about it. And Jesse's like okay well you know like she did mention the mortgage thing so he's like oh yeah, well, you know, like she did mention the mortgage thing. So I'm like, oh yeah, paid it off. Yeah, paid it off. Paid it off. You did not fucking pay it off. So he says, he says he paid off the mortgage and then Jesse's like, well, I heard you didn't. He goes, oh, well, I stopped paying it off.

You know, when I found out about Julian, because I stopped paying our bills, I was like, great. I hope the house goes into foreclosure. What sort of revenge plan is that? It's your house. I'm going to fuck up my entire life. What sort of revenge plan is that? It's your house I'm gonna fuck up my entire life. You're gonna cheat on me. Well, guess what? I'm gonna make sure I lose my house So just let me keep the golf cart cuz you know, he's gonna still be in that golf he'll be homeless he doesn't care he'll still be in that golf cart taking tic tocs of himself like Good day not to have owls. So Jesse, Jesse's like, do you know about my party tomorrow? And he's like, am I invited? Because I better be fucking invited because

you're my friend. You're my friend. So I'm coming to the house. I don't give a fuck. He's like, it's for like Benji's deportation. We're trying to find something to run with deportation. So I'm not really sure that you're the best fit for this party. Awkward week for this party, I'm gonna say. But so he's like, oh, there's a party? Well, I'm gonna go. He's like, well, it's Zach's party. He's like, well, I'm gonna go. I thought it was rich that Zach, I mean that, uh, Jax was, wants to crash this party when he is the one well, I'm going to go. I thought it was rich that Jack wanted to crash this party when he is the one who loves to disinvite and block people from his parties.

And now he's just going to walk in like it's his own shit. I was like, no, sir, you will not be doing that. Blocked by Frank Drevin. So he's like, yeah, I just got a rehab. So I want to go. I deserve to go to a fucking party without calling drugs. I know whoever was running that rehab was so proud when he said that. Oh, man, I can't wait to go out to a party now that I've been on rehab for 30 days.

They're like, our work here is dumb. Here comes one right now. So now we get Zach in the car calling Jasmine and he's like, Oh my God, Jasmine, you're not going to believe what's happening to me right now. I'm driving to the airport for Benji. I would only do that because I'm a good, it shows you what a good boyfriend I am. Remember when you picked me up at the airport three episodes ago? Let's show... Roll the clip! Roll the clip! This scene was painful for me only because I just watched him going down La Cienega Boulevard and like went one inch over the course the entire scene.

I was like we've all been there. We've all been there. Girl, my sister was like I'm gonna come see your last show. I'm looking for, there's no nonstop flight. I think this one has three stops. Do we have to go to Burbank? I'm like, you're not my sister unless you come to Burbank. I don't care if you take a fucking bus from Austin. I will not be driving to LAX.

It hurts. So then we go over to Aaron's house. Aaron is the honey maven. Maven, okay. Who... Whoa. Who Michelle met at Runyon Canyon. Aaron.

This is Aaron. He looks like a gay guy that someone's throwing a ball to. He's like a gay guy that someone's throwing a ball to. He's like... Aaron and Isabella's relationship is incredible. I never dreamt of anything like this. He wakes up and they go outside and then they come back inside. It's beautiful. That was kind of odd, the things that they do. She's like, yes, they get up together and then they go into the yard and they walk on the grass and they look at the flowers it is everything I have ever wanted.

No shopping you know it's like your stepdaughter go do something here's grass. Aaron's like is it weird that I would live here with Isabella? She's like no no Isabella is my other girlfriend. Oh. My name is Jenna. Jenna's still trying. She's like trying to climb over the fence. Oh, God. Jenna showed up again this episode. They even gave her her name.

I was like, oh, Jenna's gonna do it. She's gonna do her big one. No, didn't happen. She keeps trying. It's like an audition, but she never quite makes it. She's always like getting kicked off of Hollywood Week. And then they're like, it's Hollywood Week again? It's already been Hollywood Week 10 times,

get rid of Jenna, I can't take anymore. Jenna, someone wrote in a comment that Jenna was the one who cheated with, he cheated, wait, James cheated on Kristen with Jenna? Oh, geez. So Jenna's been working for a long time. Damn, you did all that work and were left out of all the Scandival press?

That's just hard. Give Jenna something. That's hard. Throw her a bone. Throw her a bone. Yeah. So Michelle starts talking about how, you know, we know her mom is dying and stuff, and she's saying that Jesse won't even let Isabella go see the mother while she's dying.

What the fuck? Who does that? It's just amazing how many different ways the guys could be terrible on this show. Yeah. Jesse is really skating by having Jax on this show. Yeah. Because this happened and everyone's like, whatever, fuck you, Jax. No, let's, let's... We can run over multiple people. Just make the bus big enough.

Make it big enough. So then we go over to the Smokehouse, speaking of Burbank. Woo, Smokehouse! By the way, I did go to the Valley today. I just want everyone to know. I know people. Yeah. You what? I went to the Valley today. Oh, well, congratulations, Ben. Wow. Stepping down. I wanted to get ready for the show, you know? I was like, let's see what it feels like here in the Valley in the, where it's 50 degrees hotter. Six degrees hotter, yeah. Yeah. So of course their restaurant is called the Smokehouse.

They cannot stop doing drugs even to go eat. Like Jesus Christ. So Jason and Danny get there first, cause this is the welcome back Jax dinner. And Jason's like, hey bro, I just wanna say, Danny I got your text, but we're not good right now. But tonight's about Jax, so we can Danny I got your text but we're not good right now but tonight's about Jack's so we can pretend to be good but we're not good okay the talkers are mad oh wait I got a text Janet says you also are not getting any casserole sorry so Jason is like yeah at Britz Bar

Darkside Danny was drunk again drunk Drunk, drunk, drunk. A person on the valley was drunk, drunk. Get all the people from the house, because the person from the valley was drunk, drunk. Get him, he's drunk. Shut the fuck up. You're all fucking alcoholics and drug addicts. I don't want to hear it from you.

You have to have at least been drunk once you married Janet. You have to at least been drunk once you marry Janet So More the guys show up Jack shows up and they give him a round of applause like he just came back from war they're like He's changed so much Guys, I'm like the best I've ever been in my life. Like it was just so fucking amazing I just came out and felt this weight lifted off my shoulder. Yeah, I'm still the same hoodie and hat I don't know if anybody's noticed but uh, yeah, you know, I was spiraling guys. I was spiraling.

It was so bad. I was just such a bad person. God, it's good to be a good person again. God, Danny, have you always been this fucking short, you fucking alcoholic? What the fuck is wrong with you, loser? All right, guys, guys, I learned something, okay? I learned that drinking and drugs are not the problem, okay? It's deep-rooted issues.

That's my way of saying I'm still gonna drink and do drugs. I'm not drinking at dinner now, but I drank a lot before I got here. I want you guys to hold me accountable, and by hold me accountable, I want you to say nothing and let's just have some steak. Am I right, bros? Yeah, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I'm not gonna drink. I'm just not gonna get shit-faced, you know what I mean? But like, I'm not gonna stop drinking.

Like, why would I do that? Like, it's crazy. You know what happens if you don't drink and you don't coke? You're fucking, you just feel like you're having a fucking heart attack. Right? So then this guy, Dave, who is Jack's business partner. Good luck, Dave. Oh, this fucking guy. Dave, okay. He's like like wait a second

everyone my name is Dave and I've got something to say Jack's went away for 30 days and you guys hijacked the bar okay we gotta talk about what happened last night we have to talk about it oh I'm sorry Dave were you the person who filled in a parking lot, put up a tent, and let Jack sell some beer there? Wow. Have we hurt you, Dave? Shut the fuck up, Dave. You're too old for this crew, Dave.

Nobody gonna fuck you just because you're standing by the Cokehead, okay? Go try and get laid like everybody else. Wear some risers and pretend you're a producer of something. Right. I mean, he certainly had no problem accepting the cash for those drinks. So Danny is like, well, I didn't hijack his bar. And Jack says, well, you may not have hijacked my bar, but you partaked.

Tell me you've been with Britney too long. Why would you do this? Why would you do this day before it came out this the day before it came out? The day before it comes out of a mental health facility, that's what you fucking do. You came out of a mental health facility after fucking throwing a coffee table at somebody while your child was in the house. You don't get a fucking Nobel Peace Prize for being put away, you ape. What was he talking about? I love this, like how could you do this?

Me, the victim. Ugh! So then Jax is like, oh so wow, tell me about Santa Barbara because I heard Danny, whoa, I heard you were black and now you were crazy, man. Oh, you're a bad drinker. You're a bad, bad drinker. You gotta take care of that. You're dark side Danny.

You gotta take care of that, drinking. But by the way guys, drinking and drugs is not the cause of anything. Yeah. Do you see it? And Jason actually starts this because Jason's like, yeah Santa Barbara was really fucking great with dark side Danny. And Danny's like, what? What are we talking about? What did I even do? Danny went up after drinking and was like, Janet, why are you so mean?

She's like, how dare why are you so mean? She's like, how dare you? I am so attacked. Call the police. Call the police. I am being screamed at by a male. Call the police. Hashtag me too. Hashtag me too. Janet. By the way, I'm so sorry for the side of the stage. I can fit in a size large when I'm standing now, but not when I'm sitting. So my whole bottom of my hairy ass is hanging out there and there's nothing else I could do. I'm so sorry.

You guys are union. You can take it. But you guys, I'm so sorry. So Jesse, Jesse's like, guess what guys, we don't call him Darkside Danny anymore. And Jason goes, I'll do it. Jesse goes, no, we call him Pantry Danny. And Jason's like, no, I still call him Darkside Danny. I was like, wow, a real battle of the burns here.

Dockers coming through with a burner. So Danny's like, I wasn't even close to blacked out. I don't know what you were talking about. I knew exactly what I was doing when I was confronting Janet about being a horrible fucking Karen. I don't know what you want me to say about it. And Jason's like, you're in such denial. It's insane, dude.

Do you know how long Janet had to sit in our mini ball pit and apologize to our traumatized child? She was so upset she hit her head three times on our low hanging hood in the kitchen. She put an extra egg in the casserole. It was so stiff. So Jax is like, well you know maybe drinking is the problem for you, you know? I mean for me my issue is anger. I think it's a little bit more than that. So Danny's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, things are getting blown out of proportion.

I'm not an alcoholic or anything. Five more shots please under the table. Thank you very much. Yeah, so now they all start jumping on Danny for being an alcoholic while they're sitting with Jax. Yeah. And Jesse, frankly, I mean, Jesse's eyes are always like dimes.

Not a one of you doesn't do this shit. Janet, you know Janet's a wasted fucking mess off of this show. You know she is. I would have asked Zach if I knew we weren't going to get in trouble. I like that Jesse comes with his own cup holder in his hair. That little hair dent, just put a cup right in there. And he's good to go. So now they're all, and especially Jax, and Jax loves this. He's like, yeah, you know, sounds like you have a problem. Maybe you need to get some rehab, bro. Maybe it's you. Maybe you have some anger issues, right? Right? Right guys? Am I right? And then Jax, of course, tells us, he's like, yeah, I'm just happy it's not just me. This is fucking great.

Sorry, Danny. So now it's time to go over to Jesse's house for our bungee's welcome party. Bungee! Welcome home, bungee! And most importantly, we get to see a prolonged shot of Chris and Dodie trying to figure out door knobs. Oh, I always get this wrong.

Oh, wait, hold on, I figured it out. Oh, oh, seriously? Wait, hold on. Oh, oh, oh. Door doesn't work. Let's look at the wall. Kristen, it looks like an action scene every time Kristen's in.

She's just standing there at the door, but it looks like she's riding up on a horse. She's like. It looks like she got scene every time Kristen's in. She's just standing there at the door, but it looks like she's riding up on a horse. She's like... Like... Like... It looks like she got stuck in a hurricane, she's holding onto the knobs for dear life. Whoa!

And then we see, by the way, as everyone comes to the party, every single other person uses the correct knob and just walks in, but she's like, how do I do that? No, they can't do it either, because it's one of those houses, it's very typical here, like in old Spanish where they're like, we want to keep the Spanish doors, but the knobs don't work.

Just put another knob. So there's one knob and then there's some new thing old thing. No one knows how to open. And you know, it's one of those where you probably have to like lift an inside handle and then turn it to clockwise and turn it to the other way for it to fucking lock. They confuse us on purpose. I'm standing up for everyone confused by doors. It needed to be said.

So people are arriving, people are doing shots, it's fun times, you know. Uh oh, uh oh, warning. Uh oh. Janet is very uncomfortable. Janet's like, it is so uncomfortable with Danny and Nia. My child has trauma. So she's like, I'm trying to like, you know, just be like, okay, all right, they're here.

We're here. They're here. I cannot wait to tell them off through Jason's voice. So Brittany is talking to us and she's saying she's nervous that Jax might show up, but she's like, but I'm pretty sure he's not coming. And then she's telling us that Jax, since he got out of rehab, has not reached out at all about seeing Cruz. And we see a montage of Jax getting a haircut, Jax getting Botox, Jax going out to the smokehouse.

I mean, that's a- Jax had a meeting with Ulta with whoever did those cheekbones, because my god. It's like a Norman Rockwell painting. So Zach's like, oh my god. Okay, so they put up this sign that says Benji, deported, not departed. Did Watch What Happens Live write this sign? Where did this sign come from? So they're like, oh my god, it's a surprise party for Benji.

Let's put it right at the front door when Benji walks in. You know? So it's like, Benji, come up the stairs. Don't even try the doorknobs. You'll immediately go home. I'm telling you right now, you do not want to fuck with that doorknob. Okay. It's like, here it comes, the big surprise.

Oh, okay, these people are idiots. What am I doing on this show? So, Janet and Nia, Nia pulls Janet to have a conversation after everyone meets Benji and everything. I would really like to have clarity with you about what you're saying about Daniel because I don't really understand. Okay, I just, okay, I wanna be like really real with you.

This make me uncomfortable. She's like a fish on the hook sometimes. Did you guys know that she was Raquel Rachel's beauty pageant trainer? Girl, it makes sense, doesn't it? How could you do this to me, you really hurt my... Okay, I want to be really real with you, Nia. I did speak negatively about Daniel behind his back because I thought his actions were

horrible. And look, I'm sorry that this happened. Horrible. Truly. Horrible. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Yeah, horrible. How could you say that word horrible? But at the same time if your husband is going to a bar and he's attached a keg to his back and is just chugging the entire time

that's unacceptable. She's like yeah and he got blacked out and he made a fool and made women uncomfortable. And it's going to get talked about. And you know if it's still concerning you, then maybe you should worry about drug addiction and alcoholism because I'm very uncomfortable right now. Janet's like, you're always trying to sweep things under the rug.

I'm like, we've seen their apartment, there's no room left to sweep things under that rug. Girl, there is no sweeping. At this point, you just hope the baby crawls off the couch on accident, then you drag it by the ones and kind of drag it across the floor a little bit and get a little spot cleaned up at a time. Just aim the baby spew at a spot that it could possibly clean up with a three under three.

So they don't get anywhere with this discussion. So everyone retreats to their corners. So Nia is talking to Danny and saying it's not great. And then Janet's like, you know what, Jason? I talked to her and I was like, you know what? Your husband's a drunk out here sexually assaulting women. I was like, whoa. Okay.

Listen, no one's gonna stand up for Danny going and getting wasted and saying, call me daddy and grabbing asses, okay? No. But sexually assaulting women, Janet, come back. Come back to the five and dime Janet Hick Janet Hick, but I like that Nia stood up for herself in this she was like wait a minute You better watch out for the way you talk to me. I'm very upset. I'm gonna flick through my phone angrily

She's like Daniel. I see I see you've got a crumb on your face. You better get that fucking crumb on your face You're making me look like an idiot on TV. I feel like every time Nia gets mad, she just goes onto the Food Network website and looks at recipes. She's so mad, she's like, bread pudding, roast turkey. Gianna can do so much with just like a grilled salmon.

I feel like Nia's the person that gets the air fryer magazine at the newsstand. You know what I'm talking about? You're like, what is... You? By the way, I... You know that we've read that air fryer magazine. We talked about it.

By the way, I bought that air fryer magazine. I'm telling you. That's not even a lie. So yeah, so Janet's just tattletaling to Jason, and Jason's like, I'm going to tell on her. Is the crease in my pants straight? So Janet's like, yeah, Nia knows that Danny has a problem. You know, she's always pulling him out of everything until he gets to that point.

Well, I mean, I don't know if she's in denial or hiding the truth, but he's a different guy when he drinks. Everyone's a different guy when they drink, Janet. This is the only one who drinks and becomes man enough to tell you to shut the fuck up. This is the first person on this show that I'm like this guy needs to drink more. So outside Jax shows up so here he comes and the doors try their best to keep him out. The doors, like, he cannot open those doors. He did not, unfortunately, he did not partake in the tutorial on how to open those doors.

But he comes in and everyone's like, oh my god, it's Jax, it's Jax, oh my god, it's Jax, oh my god. And Jax is just like, whatever, where's your water? I mean, where's there, like, something without alcohol? And like, there's vodka here? Like, it's Jax, oh my god. Jax is just like, whatever, where's your water? I mean, where's there like something without alcohol? Like there's vodka here? Like where's that? So he starts doing his script with Kristen. He's like, you know what Kristen, you know I did a little self-care. I went and got my hair cut, got a little Botox, you know, did stuff like that.

You know, like therapy. I'm doing a lot of therapy. I brought up a lot of stuff about my dad, my life stuff. I thought I was going to take to the grave, you know what I'm saying? Is that slut fucking It brought up a lot of stuff about my dad, my life, stuff I thought I was gonna take to the grave. You know what I'm saying? Is that slut fucking bitch? You're my wife, no? Anyway. Okay, um, you can, like, look me in the eye.

Can anyone look Kristen in the eye? Well, seriously? It's like a moving target. Look me in the eye, I dare you. It's like when they pull you over and they're like follow this light. So Jack's doing this whole thing like look I just want to get my hair because I want to be I just want to be healthy for um I know Tom Cruise is that yeah yeah yeah I know he's like yeah I'm angry she's like severe severe you know my new drug is anger and sobriety I love doing sobriety Yeah, yeah, I know. He's like, yeah, I have anger issues. He's like, it's severe, severe.

You know what my new drug is? Anger and sobriety. I love doing sobriety. Did you see his poster? He's like, guys, my new form of drug now, sobriety. Oh God. So then Nia starts asking Jesse how everything's going and she's like look Michelle

I was talking to Michelle and she was really like sad that you're not letting Isabella see her mom For a week. So Jesse does this whole thing like well, of course, I want Isabella to see Michelle's mom It's just that she doesn't know about death. So we have to sit her down and teach her about death first No, you don't know you grandma you don't. Bring her to grandma's and be like, grandma's under the weather and let them have a fun time. Grandma's dying. You're done.

Okay, look. If you need more sensitive help than that, just say, oh my God, you wanted Monopoly, here's a goldfish, your goldfish died, now it's in heaven. Here's what you do. You goldfish died. Now it's in heaven. Here's what you do. You give Isabella some ayahuasca.

Let her go on a journey with Scott, your life counselor. She'll be fine. No kid learns how to deal with death until somebody dies. And kids aren't even like, oh my God, they're dead. They're just like, grandma's dead? Ew, what does that mean? She smells, like I know, be quiet. Stop saying stuff like, does she still have candy for,

no, stop saying that, it's a funeral. Do we get her stuff? Shut up, no I'm saying that. Jesse starts doing the, I had no idea how sick her mom is and he's like trying to make his eyes Cry and he's trying to do that sniffle thing. Like this is a lot for me. I mean You know, what if I want her to meet the girl from Orange County's mom? What about then? It's like no, Jesse He just wants to be able to sit down

But he's also like trying to what get me get time with Michelle so they can sit down together and tell they know you're done Now, okay. She needs to just tell that that kid listen grandma is like your dad is to me dead so get in the fucking car and go put that purse back she's dead that's still not yours put it back so then Jax is alone in the kitchen with Scott, the life coach, and Scott's like, here we go. The white whale. I got this one. So Scott leans forward. All I need to see is that guy, Scott, in a mask and fatigues and sneakers, walking into a fucking Mexican food restaurant kitchen. Because I recognize his ass. I feel like Scott looks like someone who'd be in the background of one of

Louie's videos on Instagram. Hey guys I learned a lot on this male treat. Teresa I love you I love you so much Teresa treat. Come on say it stronger, say it louder. Be a man's man say what you feel say what you feel say you what you feel tree I want more of your dad's pajamas I don't want to wear anything but no nose pajamas for the rest of my life I want to eat in them I want to sleep in them I want to jerk off and then give me every pajama I just came that was good does it cut thanks cut. Thanks Scott. Thanks Scott. Thanks Scott. That was one of the all-time best Bravo moments of all time. So Scott's trying to

do therapy his life coach therapy and Jax is like you know what I'm a good man okay you know I just did a little 30 day stint in a mental health facility and I was like wow spiraling so bad, like real bad, you know? And then Brittany walks in and she's like, oh fuck. Yeah, cause Brittany, who's trying to be subtle, say, uh oh, there's five cameras there and Jack's, okay, whoops, excuse me. So, no one really wants to be around Jack,

so he's sort of there alone. And then what we don't realize is about to happen is the main event because Zach walks into the kitchen. And you know Zach's up to no good because he's twirling his drink like this. He literally stirs the pot. Very literal. Nicole taught me this. So Zach's like, hey, how you doing?

And Zach's just like, how are you? Yeah nice little shindig you got for your boyfriend. You know, that's good. He's like, yeah, everything with bungees going great. Thank you. And if I'm being honest, I'm proud of you for going to that luxury, whatever you just did. Like you just did it.

That was something. So I'm proud of you. I'm proud. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I feel pretty good about it. I went after some stuff that I told myself I was going to take to the grave. I was in therapy for seven hours a day, 30 days straight, you know. But then between those seven hours of you doing that,

then you were doing like the... You know, like... You know, that stuff. Like... Did you listen to the doctors? Yeah. Yeah, of course I did. I mean, I was writing, I was journaling.

Well, not so much journaling, just sort of jerking off to porn, but you know, journaling. Yeah, yeah. So was that journaling? Was that like the text messages to Brett? Was that just like morning pages, like get it all off your chest? Like, ah, ah, ah.

No, no, no. She took my son away from me and said she was gonna bring him here and then reneged on it. A woman living in a five bedroom house with my son. Brittany did not take your son away from you. She did take the ice cream I bought her son away from her son.

She decided I don't think I'm gonna bring him. And that's what happened. She took away my son from me. No, because you took a break from rehab to uncover cameras in your house, so you could watch her. That's what happened. That's what happened.

No, no. First of all, I just wanna say, this rehab is a beautiful rehab. It's available $1400 a week Airbnb. Yeah, I'm sure it's a fucking resort It's Cinderella come in from the Magic Castle and like take a picture with you like what happened? I I don't need the aggressiveness, bro. I don't need this. Oh, okay. Am I too aggressive for you? I'm not I'm not talking about five years ago. I'm talking about five days ago.

So... You know what? This is my house that I told Britney she could take over, but it's my house, okay? And you know what? If we keep talking about this, I'm gonna walk away from the party I wasn't invited to in the first place. Yeah then you should go then you should go I'm not even gonna teach you about the fucking doorknobs let's see if you can figure that out yourself

journaler. You know what I'm not gonna sit here and do this cuz everybody in this fucking place needs rehab I've seen videos of you Zach screaming and yelling and banging doors. Oh yeah but it's fun when I do it and I'm wearing Britney's mother's lipstick when I do it. Where's the entertainment value when you do it? You know what? This is not a bash Jack's party. Oh really?

Oh really? Is it not? Is it not? And he's like, you're on my show. You're on my show. This is my fucking show. show you're on my show. This is my fucking show I got you on this down. He's like not for the last 30 days. It wasn't It was so brilliant it was so brilliant I hope it gets nominated for a Peabody Award

I mean it was just If I I swear to God, if fucking Deadliest Catch gets an Emmy nomination over this, I will be mad. One thing that Jack said during all of this, he's like, yeah, I took down the fucking camera covering because I wanted to see who's coming into my house. You know? I want to know who's coming in and out of my house.

I don't want other men coming into my house. Well,? I want to know who's coming in and out of my house. Like, I don't want other men coming into my house. Well, there should be one. You're never in it. Fucking cable guy would take better care of that kid. At least he'd get to watch some Max. I also liked when Jax was like, you came into my bar, my business, and Zach was basically like, yeah, but it's Britney's money.

I was like like it was just It was just ready made it for you Brittany made it for you she picked that wallpaper There's a wall of living plant well, they used to be living they were living for two days It doesn't matter. They're Brittany's dead plants on that wall It's just much better than the bear. So every, that's like my meter. Like every single show I'm like, how does it compare to the bear? It's better.

So so now Jax is gonna, he wants to, he wants to leave, which I love him. I love him threatening to leave. Like anyone wants him to stay. I'm gonna leave guys, I'm gonna leave. Well here's what I really love, and you know I know Zach's here, I promise I'm not kissing his ass just cause he's here, cause I would say this either way.

I really love that Jax is leaving cause he can't go up again, Zach. And that we see it, we see it over and over again on this show and it's just someone being honest to your face, but the liars on this show can't do it. Another person who can't do it is Jasmine because notice this, not Jasmine, Janet, because notice this whole thing going on with Janet about the whoever said that blah blah blah blah blah blah blah is Zach and she won't go for Zach.

She'll go for Kristin, she'll go for Jasmine, she'll go for anybody else, but she knows better at this point. Yeah. Cuz that'll just be like I hope you die with your baby on a roller coaster like I literally don't care it's hyperbole bitch. So now so now we go to Jack's and Brittany's house and Jack's Jack's comes it's time to move out guys this is serious he went to rehab and he's a good man and it needs to move out of a house that's too big for a woman okay so he notices that all the pictures are turned around which is hilarious you know I feel like you know Brittany she's not as petty as I'd like her to be so I appreciate these

moments that she has she's getting there so she turned around all these pictures and of course that's you know that pisses me off actually that Brittany did that. Because I don't need to see pictures turned around. I need to see some crazy shit like Jax's face cut out with a box cutter. It's like that blank hole in the page. Like they show in Lifetime movies. Oh, by the way, I don't think we said this part. Okay, everybody here can unclench their buttholes. Chuck Taylor has loved the building. I just want- So thank you, because someone there just said,

unclench your butthole, and I was like, fuck off. It took me a minute to register. I want Zach to be a flight attendant and just say that when you land. Okay, everyone can unclench your buttholes. This Boeing actually landed. Thankfully, we've got one of the 10 people who still work at the FII. So Jax has enlisted someone very important for the task of moving out. Schwartz, oh my God.

I'm okay. I'm scared, it's boxes. Ah, boxes, ah. This reminds me of when Katie did this to me. Uh-oh, I just stood at the garage door and I said, but I'm just a boy. That's scary. So, Jax is once again talking about why he has not reached out to Cruz and he's like, I mean she's got me blocked on everything.

I mean I can't even talk to her. I can't write her an email. I can't do anything. I mean I was just on her Instagram and she was talking about how she blocked me. I was like, fuck her. I saw her talking about blocking me on the cameras. It was so fucking rude. She was wearing flip flops.

She knows I hate you. Schwartz's like, maybe you shouldn't do that anymore. I don't know. Poor Schwartz needs money so bad. This poor fucking guy, he'll do anything. He does not want to be there. And Jax is like moving onto his block or like into his apartment building.

And then he's just like, no, please don't do this. Oh, maybe you shouldn't do that to Britney. So Jason shows up and he brings a message, which is that Britney wants her computer because she needs to log out of her accounts. Okay, Britney, why didn't you do this before? You've had 30 days to log out of that iMac. Why are you doing this?

Jax has clearly taken the computer and logged into everything and taken the passwords. He's already gone into your little safari passwords thing and copied that. Just like in a little XLL. What are you? XLL? I'm really dumb when it comes to that. XLR file. CVS file. It's in a dot CVS file, it's in a.cvs. A BMW X7 spreadsheet. So he's like, yeah, I mean, I haven't seen my fucking set, I've been out of rehab for two fucking days, what the fuck, huh?

And then they show the clip again of Jack's getting his haircut, Jack's getting his Botox. I mean, I could imagine my mom getting Botox while she saw me, like while I was in the room, she'd just be like, oh, Ronnie, you did this to me. So, Brittany's also asking him to log out of the security cameras. Like, not until I see my son.

And like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Brittany, stop asking for a log out and ask for a fucking hammer and a ladder. Get your ass up there and knock the shit out of the wall. Jeez. So Schwartz is like, you know, I think there's still like a little part of her that loves you. He's like, little? Don't say little.

There's a big part. She loves me. Look at me. How hot I am. Rosy cheeks, furrowed brow. I like, I don't have a third thing. I only got two things. Dope sweat, mess face. What is it? Chunky sweaters. Smell like a sock. Hockey jerseys. Wow. I don't have a third thing, I only got two things.

Coat, sweat, mask, face, what is it? Chunky sweaters. Smell like a sock. Hockey jerseys, a social media job in Tampa someday. I love when he is like, wow, look at all these memories in these boxes. Yeah, I remember this one, Schwartz is like, oh my God, I remember this day,

this was like that time of your wedding. And then we see a clip of their wedding and it's all the Hooters girls I'm like a line going like yeah So they got the dream they all dreamt that you know, yeah, he got it so So Jax moves on out So now it's time for Brittany to come by and so she comes by and Jax has thrown away a photo of Brittany with her dad. He threw the photo of her dad away. Just this fucking guy. And just Brittany's reaction too. She's like, oh my god! They threw away the picture of my dad! That no case! Jax is so silly! Turns out it

turns out it was just like a carton of Kentucky Fried Chicken. The curdle. My diadem. Mr. Sanders is what I call my people. So she's saying how it's all really weird because Jack used to have jerseys all over the garage and the golf cart is gone and he used to be kind of his place. They used to be semen everywhere. There still is. You got to keep the love couch. What do you think that thing's made out of? Only by pleather. There's a reason she bought those hideous red leather couches in her house. You can wipe them down. So Brittany's

like, well the house right now is under both our names, but I'm taking the house. But I'm looking forward to redecorating it. Brittany, no. I've seen your Airbnb. Call Zach. Call anybody. So Janet's like, well Jason said there were a couple of times where Jax was like, well I'm not gonna change the camera passwords, and it made me feel very uncomfortable, unfortunately. She's like, I'll hurt it, I'm not gonna change the camera passwords. And it made me feel very uncomfortable, unfortunately. She's like, I'll hurry, because I was spying on the cameras. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. So Brittany tells Janet that she's

Finally learned that she can spy on the cameras. She's like, I got mad at first, but it's a good TV show. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I love Big Brother. Where's Julie Chan? So she tells Janet that she's filing for divorce, which I was shocked at because I thought for sure Janet was gonna tell Jason, Jason was gonna tell Jason, and then it was gonna be a disaster, right? But it actually wasn't. And then they start talking about social media, and this is where we learned that Jax has a Finsta named Frank Dremin. Frank Dremin! Which isn't even the accurate ode to naked gun that

it's supposed to be. That's Frank Dremin. Well he said that's what it was right? Yeah but he's his name was... But he can't spell it, he spelled it wrong. He's so stupid. He put the B on its side. But this is the best part. She's like, oh my god, he's got this fake account named Frank Dremond. I knew he had this. He told me he had it. I guess he forgot that he told me. But it's so good. And Janet's like, oh my god.

A burner? Someone has a burn- that is what? What even is a burner? A burner. She looks so guilty. Janet, we know you're half of Reddit. There was a comment a couple weeks ago that a friend of mine sent me that said,

Ronnie's hatred for Janet is out of control. I'm against sex-based violence towards women. And someone was like, what? She goes, even if it's verbal. Girl, you are the only person on the planet who would ever think of something that stupid to say. So keep bringing them. I love all of your Dorothy's. So anyway, she's like, yeah, so then our family's coming by Frank Draven, you know, and he didn't know it was other burner kind. I mean, yeah, so then our family's coming by Frank driven, you know need to know the burner can I mean it's so good Reply to me and Frank Raven's name. I Mean only Jack's would actually out himself with his own burner account

He's so bad at it, too I feel like Janice or at least like if you ever come across any that are Janet, she tries to seem like a real person, you know? She's like, well, you know, maybe if we just looked at this logically, like maybe they have some, maybe Janet has some points. So like she'll try and make it sound kind of real. But Jax does it. Like the comments of Jax are like, yeah, fuck Jax. And people go, yeah, Jax Taylor, what a legend.

Yeah. Jax Taylor, hottest will be yeah Jax Taylor. What a legend. Yeah Jax Taylor hottest number one guy in the group. I love what he's doing with his blush So then we go over to Danny and Nia's house where And then Luke is gonna get engaged which is exciting I swear to God if you two don't tie your fucking tube soon, I'm coming over there Lucas like I got I got Kristen a ring. It's actually just my ear. I'm bad girl So they have a nice scene, but yeah, they're gonna go to Hawaii So he announces that they're big group trip is they're all gonna go to Hawaii for this very meaningful engagement that Jax is coming It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great. So speaking of Jax, we then go over

as he is moving into his condo, which is next to Schwartz's, separated by a little piece of glass on the rooftop. And Schwartz is watching Jax move in, and there's just socks everywhere for some reason. Like every floor just has socks. But it's great, because he's looking for his other shoe that Kristen hid in a different bag and he's like, I still can't find it.

Still can't find it. And someone says, do you guys share a wall? He's like, don't even say that bro, we're even saying that kind of thing. Do you remember the story of him, Sandoval, and Jax all living together when they were like young models and Jax just kind of ended up there because, I mean, Jax, you know? And he was in a room with only a curtain set. Oh, I just...

Poor Tom is in his own purgatory. We've really all been, we've all been through so much as an audience. We have. We really have. The past 10 years of our lives have been really intense because of this stuff. We've all really learned to love. We've learned. So, Jax and Schwartz are up on the roof just talking, thinking about, you know,

what tree they're going to jerk off on from up there. And Schwartz is, there's a doorbell, and Jax is like, finally someone's coming to... Let's shoot some hoops. It's a fan. So, he goes downstairs and opens opens it and there's a guy who's like Jason Couchy you've been served. He's like oh god fucking Postmates am I right? So he gets these papers and shorts like oh my god you got served what is that divorce papers? Wait a second I just joking. I'm a little boy Yeah, can I see it? Oh, let me read this and then a nuclear boundary established and tend to proceed amicably being out of court

as expeditiously as possible checks is like I Understood the The fuck are you talking about? He's like well, it does say with minimal cost to both parties. Dude this is great! It's great! It's not gonna cost you any money! You get to keep the hoodie that you're still wearing. It's so good Jax! That's amazing! She'll look it's so great sign on the line. Jax is like well it looks like Tom Schwartz is a legal expert he he once watched a scene of Picket Fences and I know he knows about Five-ish

Finkel so I guess I'll just sign on this divorce line and do it. It's a great, it's a sweetheart too, it's great. Yep I'm just gonna do it. Oh except for that whole custody thing though right but. He's like what? What? What? What does that say? And he's like well you know custody is all full custody and stuff because what like what even is that? Like I don't even know what that means like you have custody like could that bullet points like even is that like I don't even know what that means like you have custody like Could they have bullet points like what is that supposed to even be like custody? Yeah, sure also Jackson's totally pretending he doesn't know what that means so he could just sign his son away and get rid of the fucking paperwork

Brittany will still be on the hook for his 1.2 million tax debt that was rolled into this fucking house And he can get away scot-free what He's like, what? What's custody? Shut up. He's like, I mean, imagine coming out of a facility, dealing with your mental health issues, and then being slammed with divorce papers. I'm like, not only can I imagine it, I saw it and I left. Woo!

Not only can I imagine it, I'm still watching it and I've got a slight boner. So I mean, of anybody on Bravo that we've ever called out for being someone who will never ever be there to raise his child or fight for custody of his child, it's that fucking guy. He just doesn't want to have to give his car away to anybody in the future. And you know, that's the damn truth. Fuck this guy. So, Schwartz is like, oh, custody, who needs it?

And he's like, oh, oh, ding! There's headlines and really important, really important publications. This one is called Reality Bloop. reality blurb. Brittany Cartwright files for divorce from Jax Taylor after five years of marriage. Just Vanderpump's spirit coming out of the headline. Yeah, Jax is suddenly upset that he's in the headlines. I don't think so. And then he's like, I think it's safe to say that these are no longer the best days of our lives.

Hold on, I can say it. By the way, I live right down the street. I just bought a $3 million house. Maybe we can shoot the scene. The door just slams in her face. Ah. And that brings us to the end of the Mounting Astereator. We're ready. Thank you, everyone, for coming out tonight

and for everyone listening at home for coming to all of our shows. Thank you so much, Zach, Hannah, all our friends and family. Thank you, Zach. Thank you, Hannah. Thank you, everyone. Good night, everyone. Hey.

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