Watch What Crappens - #291: Bourbon Legend

Episode Date: May 11, 2016

Raise your tumblers because we're headed to Charleston for "Southern Charm" where Craig is about to get a dose of reality alongside his sip of bourbon. Then it's off to the coyote-infested forests of California where booze and epiphanies are going up in flames around the "Shahs of Sunset" campfire. And finally, no trolley is safe when Leeanne gets mad on "Real Housewives of Dallas." Here are the time codes: 00:10:55 - Crappens Mailbag 00:28:06 - Southern Charm 01:08:33 - Shahs of Sunset 01:33:04 - Real Housewives of Dallas Subscribe at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker from bshudblog.com and the banter blender and joining me is the lovely the melodious the Sarah Lee loving Ronnie from Trash Talk TV dot com hi Ronnie we were

just listening to Liza Minnelli sing the song Sarah Lee right before this every fat person's audition song we've all sang it at least once I think I just gave that up in my 30s. I was like, you know, it's time to give that up. Stop it. Yeah.

I don't know why it was in my head. It just was. It was on your computer. That's such a great way to be welcomed. I know. I was playing it on YouTube, but when you signed on to this Skype call right now, it was playing. It youtube but when you when you signed on to this this skype call right now it was playing it was sort of like walking right in to eliza very atypical it's like hey you ready to do your bravo podcast here's liza manelli singing about desserts

yeah here to warm you up maybe she'll come on the podcast um You know, we forgot to work on our J-Law campaign. We have to get J-Law. If anyone knows Jennifer Lawrence, anyone out there knows Jennifer Lawrence, ask her if she wants to come on the podcast. You know, tell her that Ben is really excited. I love Hunger Games and everything, but I would rather Liza.

So anybody who knows Liza. Liza or Jennifer Lawrence. Liza would be a fun one on the podcast. Because she would know everybody but not know anybody. She'd be like, Rina, Lisa, yeah, I know that. I know that girl. Ramona Singer. Well, I'm sure she and Ramona have bumped carts at Whole Foods before on the Upper East Side by accident.

I'm sorry. Oh, look, it's my dear friend from my birthday party. Oh, wait wait you're not my friend at all oh i don't know who you are why are you wearing a black suit it's not black it's green what are you blind who's this normally you always wear red every time i see you wear red what's up with black i don't get it black's my color liza manelli and ramona please get together in a whole foods i'd like to think of it as a Gelson's. What's the store there?

Lou Anne's Mary? Gristiti's. I think it's definitely a Gristiti's. Oh my gosh, what are we doing? I don't know. We're already off to a bonkers place. So everyone, please come to WatchWhatCrapIs.com and you can get

access to Our Twitter links Our Instagram links Oh, by the way, I'm really excited to brag about this one You know I love a good Celebrity name drop, you know that, right? Oh, yes This weekend, I think I Hit the jackpot

I think this is it It does not get any better than this The one and only Ina Garten commented on my Instagram. What? Did you see that? No. Ina Garten commented on my Instagram, Ronnie.

What did she say? Tell me all about it. What were you wearing? What was she wearing? Any emojis? She was wearing a caftan. I had wearing what was she wearing any emojis she was wearing a caftan um no she um uh i had made aina's easy provencal leg of lamb or easy lamb provencal and it was to die for it was so good everyone out there if you like lamb then make this It's a little bit of an investment. I was scared, to be honest.

I'm sorry, but it's expensive. There's easy in the title. Jeffrey likes when I keep it easy, don't you? Yeah, and I came out of nowhere and just hugged me. But I was hungry, and I said, you know what? I want to make a leg of lamb. I've never made a leg of lamb before. I've never really even made lamb.

And so there happens to be an Armenian butcher across the street from where I'm staying in NoHo. So I went across the street. I got a leg of lamb. I spent $40 on this thing, which is crazy. But I was like, you know what? I'm making it. I'm making it. And you got a real lamb because you went to the butcher.

You know it's not some like computer grown headless. Computer lamb. Wait a second. This isn't a floppy disk. But it was like, yeah, it was like a real lamb leg. And I was scared because, you know, when you buy something that's that expensive, you don't want to mess it up. So I went over to my friend Andrea's place. We followed the recipe it's in her it's in her cookbook how easy is that and it's also online and i'm telling you this was sensational i mean it could not have been more perfect just i mean

it was the flavors were great the it was perfectly cooked it was perfectly juicy it was like perfectly medium rare but then there were some areas that were a little more well done for people who liked that. It was above and beyond. So, of course, I took a picture of it, and I was like, Breakthrough! Ina Garten's whatever. This is so great. And I tagged her as the Lamb Chop or the Lamb.

And the next day, Ina Garten commented and said, Thanks, B-Side Blog. Looks delicious. Something like that. And I was just like, I cannot believe it. Oh, that's so nice. Dream come true.

A dream come true. I'm not even joking. Ina was sitting there in her kitchen in her pajamas waiting for Jeffrey to come out of his home office. Wondering what party she would throw next. What neighbors would come. Had she invited them to recently? And that's what she saw on Instagram that she was tagged as a leg of lamb. Yep. And she said

to herself, now, before, I was just a chef. Now I'm a leg of lamb. How easy is that? Maybe I can be invited on to Ask Ina next time they do that segment. Hey, Ina, I have a question. How do you peel garlic on to Ask Ina next time they do that segment. Hey, Ina, I have a question. How do you peel garlic?

Hey, Ina, what salt do you use? Do you use regular salt or kosher salt? From the webcam. Yeah. Ina, are steak knives important? I know that knives have different names, but come on. Isn't a knife a knife? Well, you'd think so, but one actually has little things on it that cut through the meat better. I just find that a steak knife cuts meat just better than a regular knife.

Thanks so much for asking. Ina, I mean, what am I supposed to write these recipes down? I can't remember anything. I suggest writing the recipes down and putting them in a box. Hey, Ina, I have a question. How do you make garlic butter? I'm so glad you asked that, Marie. What I like to do is I like to take some garlic and put it in butter. Thanks

so much for your question. That's what that whole, that's what I ask Ina was. Every week it was the most ridiculous question. And I love when Ina takes a picture of something with her digital camera and they add, they fully in the sound effect. It goes pew.

As if any digital camera makes a laser noise. Anyway, this is, this is, we should have talked about this one. Hey Ina, how do you shoot your food with lasers? Thanks, Natalie in Wisconsin. Ina plates. Good or bad? your food with lasers. Thanks, Natalie in Wisconsin. China plates. Good or bad? Seem overrated to me. Plates are good.

My favorite thing to do is do something unexpected. So if it's a fancy dinner, I like to serve it on napkins. And if it's a casual lunch, I serve it on my best china. How fun is that? Isn't this crazy? Isn't this crazy, guys? I like when she gets her party together and it's like everybody's making these noises like it's just like older people chairs being pushed in and out it's like oh they seem to love it like this bitch slaved over this for nine hours today no one's

even gonna like be amazed i know i know and then she usually makes some french punches all right everyone enjoy or as the french say bon appetit um anyway so go on to watch for crappins.com to find links to twitter and instagram um facebook.com forward slash watch for crappins is where you can join in on the conversation you can be like julie gowargis is that your last name gowargis who posted a picture of her with kyle richards

before they boarded a flight together because they were on the same flight um i have not asked yet but i will and i already know the answer kyle did not have a nervous breakdown flying on a plane if she did i'm sure julie would have calmed her down.

Yeah. One scene illness. Yeah. Swipe trope. And of course you can come to patreon.com forward slash watch what crap is where you can come support the show and you get access to a bonus episode. Once a week.

We just recorded this week's. It was really bizarre. We went through TMZ. We just read through headlines. And then we spent the last 10 minutes or so talking about 24 and we imagined 24 as if it starred people from Real Housewives of

Beverly Hills and Vanderpump Rules. So that was fun. Do-do-do-do-do-do. What was that? I was trying to be the phone ringer. I could whip out my phone again to make it ring, but I'm too lazy. Well, we have a bazeasy day today. There's a lot going on on the old brahs.

So much. So much on the old brahs. We've got Southern Charm. We've got Real Housewives brahms we've got southern charm we got real houses of dallas we got shots of sunset and i just banged my foot and it hurts we've got a banged foot we got a banged foot that would pull in decent rating probably banged foot be like the yule log just a camera on a foot as it slowly swells up we're just watching this foot throb. Foot by Bravo. And another foot can come around and they can get into a fight.

Bow at me. Bow at me, foot. How did that foot throw a glass? I mean, the world is amazing. You know, I've known this foot for 15 years and I am not going to let a fight get in the way of our foot friendship. Ben, what do you want to talk about? I want to talk about the Krappen's mailbag.

Oh, yeah. By the way, did we pause yet to mention our lovely, lovely premium sponsors, Chrissy Daugherty and Cassie Bogalski? We love you guys. We love you both. Thank you, guys. We dedicate everything to you. I dedicate my love for you. Those aren't the words, but.

You get the mind. Mm-hmm. Yes. Go on, read it. Okay. Let's see. Where should we start? How about Tracy?

Tracy says, hi, Ben and Ronnie. I love your podcast. Here's my question if you were given the opportunity to cast a reboot of designing women with real housewives who would you pick i'm thinking oh my god i'm thinking patricia from southern charm and lisa vanderpump are obvious picks and i'd love to see who would survive between the two of them you can't have all that pink and ego in the same place for too long thanks tracy parham in denver well thank you tracy parham from denver that is a great tracy and by the way wow what a

great show henry sabassi piles on and says tracy today i was also thinking of designing women and its relevance to the watcher croppins guys so this is really for tracy and henrysa together well lord knows i've studied all of these shows enough yeah i love all of these shows so i think the obvious julia would be well patricia's a little too hateful but probably patricia well technically patricia is not a real housewife oh okay even though but i mean i don't know if there's if we're i feel like almost i actually almost feel like patricia's too on the nose also like it's like it's almost too obvious. So if we were to go just from the housewives alone,

a real housewife who tells it like it is in a sassy way. Probably Aaliyah Black, but she has too much fun. Julia Sugarbaker doesn't like to have that much fun. She's more like buttoned up. Maybe a Countess Luanne from season one. Well, yeah, definitely got the manners thing down. Like, is that how we behave, Suzanne? I feel like there's got to be a better answer than that.

There's got to be someone better. Definitely no one from New Jersey, right? I think we have to come back to that one. She'll fall into place when the other ones fall into place. Okay, so who's Annie Potts? Annie Potts. Ooh, so it's sort of sassy, right? Annie Potts could be like a...

Well, not really a Carol Radz. She could be a Bethany, right? Oh my God, she talks so much, though. But yeah, I guess she would kind of be Bethany. Yeah, I'm going to say, I bethany yeah i'm gonna say i think bethany i'm also like in my mind i'm going through like who's i'm going to bethany would not play that role because it's she would want to be like julia or something she'd want to be the main one do you think in a weird way that um no i take it back i almost suggested tamra barney for julia

but i i take it back it's such a hateful thing to say. Vicky could kind of be a Julia. I think she could. Or Heather Dubrow, actually. I could see Heather launching into a two-minute long soliloquy about women's rights or something. Yeah, she's a little too far. I think that she really believes her – No, obviously, Shannon Bedore.

Shannon Bedore is clearly the one. Oh, yeah, okay. She is clearly Julia Sugarbaker because Shannon Bedore would be the one because she already did it. She already said, you all will see. You all will see. That's very Julia Sugarbaker. And she would do that 80s, 90s sitcom thing of just looking at the audience or like looking at the cameras when they're really annoyed, like the Bea Arthur one. Yeah, she would have some huffy indignation for sure.

Yes. In a way that Heather Dubrow just would not be able to. Heather Dubrow would just come off as like elitist. But Shannon Bedora would say, well, sir, I believe if you're going to have that attitude with them, we do not need you here and here. And nor do we need you here in this entire town and if you were to do this again I will write to my congressman and make sure that you are never allowed in the state of Georgia ever again

one thing I've never needed in my life is a man where are you going where are you going where are you leaving come back come back come back here yeah okay so now next is Suzanne Let's do Suzanne, I love her Come to whitelock

Suzanne is Jean Smart, right? No, no How dare you I'm sorry, I don't remember which one's which Suzanne Sugarbaker is the sister She's married to Coach Delta? No, not Coach, Major Dad

Major Dad, yeah. Delta Burke. I mean, we can't do it based on weight because that's not nice, but that is a big part of the storyline. She won her Emmy for a storyline or for an episode called They Shoot Fat People, Don't They? The fact that you pulled up, especially on the same day when we discussed kelly cuoco's starring vehicle turn in to be fat like me the lifetime original movie with caroline

ray direct i mean cinematography by speed's very own jan de bond jan de bond the fact that that came up now and not even then is astounding. That's right, everyone. The bonus episode this week we talk about and we play clips from the Lifetime movie To Be Fat Like Me starring Kelly Cuoco and Caroline Ray. It's an epic story about putting on a fat suit and going to high school. Oh, my God. It's been, you know, I guess that's how I'm projecting.

I'm acting out or we're acting out because i didn't bring all these up jesus i'm trying to remember you know i haven't seen um i have not seen in so long designing okay so suzanne is like a really shallow like she's kind of money wise like you know she's like very fancy she's like tamra basically they're all i'm i'm sorry now i'm putting all the OC women in. Should I get out of OC? Yeah. The OC kind of loses at any game unless it's like flip cup.

I mean Shannon for sure is Julia. Shannon is for sure Julia. Yeah, okay, yeah. So the OC got that one. Actually, she's sort of like Ramona these days, right? Like, hey, I'm single, right? No, she's – Single Ramona? No? these days right like hey i'm single right no she's no she's kind of the fabulousness of

elisa vanderpump but with the kind of bimbo airheaded shallow side so i'm trying to think who that would be well that could be any housewife it's like just pick one yeah um kind of like a gretchen i guess oc am i giving it to oc again it might have to go back to oc i mean is it like she's like a dumbass shallow girl but she's also legit hot and legit fancy you know it's funny like i can't remember who's on oc it's like vicky and heather and tamra and justice hashtag justice is there someone else on there? This year I'm solving counter. Yeah, I don't know.

We'll remember soon enough because they're coming back. Yeah, exactly. Well, maybe it's someone from Atlanta. How about that? Or Potomac or Dallas. There's so many women. I know. There's so many housewives.

These games take longer and longer. It's crazy. There's so many options for Suzanne Sugarbaker. Well, Suzanne Sugarbaker, then... I would say Lisa Vanderpump-Gretchen mix, like a baby. What about... She could be... It's really hard.

She could be Portia. The bimbo is Portia, for sure. That's Jean Smart. Jean Smart is Porsche. So, yeah. Charlene. Charlene. Charlene. Yeah.

And who else do we have? Annie Potts is Bethany, right? Yeah. Annie Potts is Bethany. Who's Miss Sack Taylor? I think it would have to be the hairdresser from Potomac who's, like, who got in the Crab Boil and poked her in the arm and was like, oh, you're a man? What are you, man? She's like, are you a woman?

He's like, what are you, a man? Are you a woman? Are you? Are you a man? I was like, wow, this is a great fight, guys. It would have to be him. Sure, why not? Could be Miss Lawrence also.

Okay. All right. sure why not could be Miss Lawrence also okay alright well I think that's I think we sort of stuck together oh wait who's the old lady? We're just missing Bernice Bernice yeah Bernice well Bernice wasn't rude like this but I would love it if Bernice could be Vida oh yeah well Vida yeah or she could be she would be

Karen Sierra's mom I think yeah she would be Karen Sierra or she would be Karen Sierra's mom I think Yeah she would be Karen Sierra She would be Asa's mom actually Just that really like kooky mom Yeah I could definitely see that Yeah she's Asa's mom Okay I'm down with that

Black man black man Every time she sees Anthony Do we need to cast Jan Hooks' role also? Well, she was the replacement Charlene. So who was the replacement? Portia. Cynthia. Cynthia's going to be in Sharknado 4 by the way, in case anyone was wondering.

Yeah, a lot of housewives are because I think Erica, Jane and Brandy are too. Really? Erica Jane is? I think so. I heard that.y are, too. Really? Erika Jayne is? I think so. I heard that. I don't give a fuck. I don't care if it's a shark or a tornado. I don't give a fuck. That's like the word on the street. I don't give a fuck. Fuck words on the street. Fuck streets, too.

Generally, fuck. Fuck weather. I don't know. Okay, Jamie asks, I would like to hear Ronnie as Luann and Ben as Bethany selling Sonia's toaster on QVC. Okay. Wait,ann and I'm Bethany Okay we're selling Sonia's Toaster Okay you start

Hi Here I am in the kitchen I'm always in the kitchen Aren't I here? I'm just always here Do you even remember me at another time When I was someplace else? Literally Luann I literally don't even know what you're talking about. Like, I've literally never seen you in a kitchen before.

Like, I don't get it. Like, you in a toaster. Like, I don't know how this is, like, your thing all of a sudden. Like, to me, you're like the countess. Like, you're out and about. Like, you're getting drunk. You're, like, passed out somewhere. Like, so don't act like you don't get passed out, okay?

Because, like, we know you get passed out. We know you get drunk. And you, like, have sex with sailors. So, like, kitchen, I don't get it. I'm lonely, okay? Don't leave me. Where are you going? I. We know you get drunk. You have sex with sailors. So kitchen, I don't get it. I'm lonely, okay? Don't leave me. Where are you going? I'm lonely. I'm alone. I have nothing. I don't even have a place to live.

I just have this toaster. It's like enough already. Luan, enough of the loneliness. I just want to sell a toaster, okay? And Luan's sitting here crying. What do I got to do? Put a bagel in Luan and in the toaster? Who do I have to feed first? Everyone's sad. I'm surprised the toaster hasn't killed itself you know because i want to kill myself like literally like if i have to hear one more second about luanne crying like i'm gonna stick

myself in the toaster and just burn myself until i die like literally kill me now like toast me now why do you have to be like that why can't you just be like not uncool like it's a toaster i took off sonia's name and i put your name on it it's an engraved toaster so you know leave me alone to do what you need to but there i tried a toaster with your name on it. It's an engraved toaster. So, you know, leave me alone. Do what you need to, but there I tried. A toaster with your name on it. Luanne, the entire point of a toaster is to be uncool. Like, you want it to be hot. You want to burn something. That's the exact opposite of cool. Okay, Luanne, like, when are you gonna get

it? Like, I don't know. I don't get it. Like, are you, like, a mom? Are you, like, a countess? Are you, like, a slut? Like, I don't get your brand. Like, right now, honestly, my wall is up. My wall is up. Like, literally, if I have have to talk if i have to explain this to you one more time i'd be on the floor like dead like literally like hit me over the head with a toaster and like let me bleed out on the floor and then put it in the toaster and toast it okay toast my blood literally enough i can't well related news we put bread in the toaster and nothing happened

to it so thanks a lot well i won't be eating this it's it's too too much too many carbs like i i can't like like i don't even know what I used the toaster for. I think I put my purse in it. It's like storage. Somebody in there? Do you hear somebody in there? Help me. Pickles?

Is that you? Literally, pickles is a human being. I never thought so. I thought pickles were pickles. Actually, it's a human being. Who knew? It's good. We're sold out.

We're sold out. All right. So you made it a girl. Okay, great. All right? It's good. We're sold out. We're sold out. All right. So you made it a girl. Okay, great. All right. That's great. That's great. All right.

Listen. Listen, Luan. Listen, Luan. I like you. You know what? Like, it's fine. You know what? You were angry.

You were sad. It's fine. It's fine. We're moving on. Let's get a drink. It's fine. It's fine. That's all I wanted.

All right. Okay. So that's all you wanted. All right. So you cried. I said what I wanted. You said what you needed. And then that's it.

That's fine. It's over. It's over. Don't give me hummus. okay what's next i'm like done uh i feel like i feel like my bethany voice is sounding weird today i'm like i don't know we just need a bell it's being like ding i know and scene and done don't worry ronnie you get to perform again because lauren willis asks um she says can ronnie please sing the southern charm intro song or anything i just like it when ronnie sings um how does it go hold on he got money that one

oh yeah He's got money. He's got money. He's got money. He's got money. He's got magazines. That's all I remember from it, but I do it every time it comes on. Yeah, that's pretty much it. You know, I think you got it. You have to do that. But then I'll start going into Candice Olsen's theme.

What's that? Sweet pop. Do-do-do-do-do-do. It all comes from the same vaguely southern public domain music library. Yes. They're like people, the runoff of the music festivals in Austin. They just get some B-roll. Yeah. One last question is from Sarah Joseph.

She says, not a question, just an observation. How much real estate has Bethany shaved off her jaw? Okay. Maybe a question after all. Has she had a lot of jaw things? I can't even tell anymore.

Looking at all of these faces changing so much year to year, it's totally normalized to me. I don't even notice stuff anymore Looking at all of these faces changing so much year to year, it's totally normalized to me. I don't even notice stuff anymore. Yeah, I think that, yeah, I don't know. I haven't really been paying attention to her jaw, but I wouldn't be surprised if she, she had like a very prominent, like wide jaw, and I wouldn't be surprised if she shaved some of it down.

I feel like she wouldn't because it would be strong. She'd be like, yeah, I'm terrified. What can I say? They're terrified of me. So get what I want. That's how you do it. So do you shave a jaw? I don't know.

I've got a jaw. I don't know. It's like shave. What am I? Like a man? Why am I shaving my jaw? Why am I shaving my legs? I shave my legs.

I don't want my jaw. I don't need a 5 o'clock shadow. Like 5 o'clock, I'm still working. I don't need shadows. Right now, I need a light. Who wants shadows at 5 o'clock? Give me light. Give don't need a 5 o'clock shadow. Like, 5 o'clock, like, I'm still working, okay? Like, I don't need shadows. Like, right now, I need a light. Like, who wants shadows at 5 o'clock? Like, give me light. Give me, like, happy hour.

That's what I want, like, happy hour. Like, literally, like, enough. Enough with the shaving and the jaws, okay? Like, literally, like, I hate sharks, so just stay away, okay? I hate, literally, I hate sharks. Oh. Literally, like, seriously, jaws? Like, I can't.

Like, literally, like, don't put me in that, like, you know what? Like, just, I never thought it was safe to go back in the water, okay? So, seriously, like, can't like literally like like don't don't put me that like you know what like just i never thought it was safe to go back in the water okay so seriously like just i'll just stay away okay just like give me roy shider like i won't i won't shave i'll stay away from the chart like literally enough oh bethany at this point i just say if these women can keep getting their faces hacked up like that and their bones shaved and like recontoured and have shit you know cemented to their face and then they can heal and still look semi-normal multiple times then they're very healthy people so do whatever the hell you want to your face i don't care you know what sounds awful to me shaving your jaw that sounds awful me too

but i always thought more jaw bones helped with uh neck rolls you know? But, I mean, what do I know? I'm going to have them either way, you know? I don't know. I have a very prominent jaw myself. But I'm happy. You can have handsome, yeah, but you have like handsome movie star jaw. Some people have like their jaws

like doing that to you. You know, we can help our face. Like an angler fish. You know, something like that. I think that's it for Crabbit's Mailbag today, right? Close it up. Close it up. I just have to say, I woke up at 7 this morning,

which I know is like normal for most people going to work. But since we don't work in an orthodox way, that's really early for me. And I am in a crazed state. I am having a hard time using my words. And I'm drinking this coffee trying to get myself into a proper place. Well, you're in good company for that, buddy. So I just have to do a general preemptive apology to the audience because I feel like I'm in crazy town. I love it.

I love whatever you're doing. Keep it up. Darling, darling, I'm crazy town. You seem the same to me. I love it. Oh, dear. What do you want to start with, my friend? So many fun things.

I kind of want to save Dallas for last because I think that'll be the most fun. Okay. So do you want to start with Southern Charm then? Let's start with the S-Charm. S-Charm. Charm. Charm. Charm.

All right. Don't squeeze the Charm in. So Thomas and Shep are visiting. Yay. There's only ginger ale in the fridge. Gosh, Thomas. Gosh. You sure have some ginger ale.

I have some of that. What's that sub place that he's talking about? I have some of that. Oh, Jimmy John's. Oh, Jimmy John's. I've got some Jimmy John's in my fridge. Jeez, gosh. I always think that there's a weird disconnect between a really well-appointed house,

like nicely designed, and then an empty refrigerator that only has a few slices of ham and a can of soda in it. You know? Like either have a bachelor pad that's messy and then a fridge that's either a nightmare or just just totally empty or have like a well-appointed house and a well-appointed fridge you know what i'm saying yeah but when i look at an empty fridge i think it's so hot because it means that that person makes enough money to eat out all the time you're so right so attractive to me when i saw that empty fridge i was like ginger ale to mix with my vodka. That's all I need, bitch. Give me a Domino's. It's like, I love indicators like that.

Like how in Indian culture it used to be, I don't know if it still is, but like you wanted to be chubby because it meant that you were well fed and you were wealthy enough to be well fed. Oh, gosh. And then it all switched. And now the poor people are the fattest. I mean, what the hell how did i get cursed for this i was probably skinny back when it was popular to be fat and it used to be really cool to be super pale at least if you were white because that meant that you weren't out working in the sun now everyone wants to be tan what is up with this

world guys reincarnation sucks this life sucks and so did all my other lives gosh i can't believe you have a tan so anyway this awkward scene with thomas and shep and it starts as most most sit-downs do in a gorgeously appointed sitting room put together by someone's grandma or and and uh the opening sentence is well i haven't seen you since the flamingo party a lot of things happening in charleston that's so southern charm i haven't seen you since the flamingo party so then thomas runs down how he's doing in life he's like well he's doing his politics hand like he's being interviewed on a news show he's like well you know we have the pregnancy with beautiful catherine who's wonderful and up and down and why are you talking like that he's acting like he's in the oval office giving a speech so chef's just kind of looking around the room yeah i know was

this this was like oh this was not the room yeah i know was this this was like oh this was not the same scene where shep was talking about the fireside chat though right um yeah they were talking about just basically how crazy katherine is oh yeah this oh yeah this happened like right in the middle of the of the show this scene then because oh it did yeah this was like right in the this is in the middle of the middle of the show when um shep was because because they when they sat down shep made a joke about he's like he's like gosh this is like a fireside chat this is like with fdr i feel kennedy and khrushchev i was like this is the first time these names have ever been uttered on reality tv this is shocking like

making a kennedy and khrushchev reference like do you realize you're on bravo tv like how didn't he say you're like kissinger like you're i'm just trying to be like kissinger yeah he said that almost it's like yeah yeah kissinger like to kiss those girls huh yeah that's when that's when t-rex was talking about katherine he's like well you know when katherine gets stressed her blood and oxygen goes from goes to her brain well, you know, when Catherine gets stressed, her blood and oxygen goes to her brain instead of, you know, to the baby. The more that you treat Catherine as an outcast, the more likely it is for my baby to die within her. So refocus our energies from the highways to not making my wife upset. I think the problem is that there is no blood and oxygen going to her brain, Thomas.

The only thing that fetal sack is missing is a martini olive. Yeah. So I think actually the show opened up with Craig and Naomi in their tiny little house, their new house. I don't know why my notes look like this, so watch out. Because I think it's I mean it doesn't really matter you know with Southern Charm the order is not that important but Craig and Naomi

were hanging out and I wrote down that I was shocked because we were already like two minutes into the episode and no one had called to announce that they were in the neighborhood and could they come by oh man when Catherine calls you and that they were in the neighborhood and could they come by? Oh, man.

When Catherine calls you and says she's in your neighborhood, watch the fuck out. I just happened to be in the neighborhood. Hey, are you all at the roller rink? I just happened to be out in the parking lot. I saw a dime and I thought I'd stop and check it out. So Craig and Naomi are hanging out. You know, as you may remember, they had to move out of her parents' big house

into another smaller house. Yeah, the fixer-upper. Yeah, the fixer-upper. And so Craig, because now Craig's been working a job for a week, he's decided that he's going to become a provider. So he bought Naomi some sort of ring. It looked like

a shield from zelda you know and uh he like hit it in a box and uh he gave it to naomi and she was like all happy she's like oh my god you got me a ring she doesn't even talk like that but like she was like really happy this is everything i'm supposed to do i'm living in a house with a man who gave me a ring who's gonna be the president of something i can't wait to tell my girlfriends i won i won she goes out into the street does a dance number that's her song her song is both the climax just all climax but the funny thing is though craig though he goes because he's talking about like yeah i think that you know i think that jd wants me to take over the bourbon thing or whatever we're gonna be partners

so and then he says hey if you work hard, things will work out. I mean, I'm like, okay, let's cut to all those working class gardeners off camera who are sitting there working their asses off in Charleston and are still getting mud flung at them from cars zooming through. Well, are they dreaming of running a bourbon company? Like, it could be bourbon and coke or, like, bourbon and, like, Red Bull. Like, I don't know. I like to drink things. Do you like glasses? Maybe I'll start a glass company.

Like, those are cool. They hold liquid. Yeah. When I was a kid, I really liked playing SimCity, and my mom always said I could be an urban planner, and I was thinking, like, urban sort of sounds like bourbon, so I'm sort of like already there. Well it's a running thing on this

show that the kids grow up so spoiled that they're intelligent like they've gone to school and stuff. They're just like idiots in the real world. No one knows how to support themselves. Does anybody support themselves? Well I don't know if Craig is actually

intelligent or even well read well he's the outsider he's the one who just moved there and got wasted and you know now he's still left with the rest of them but they're all just like these big overgrown babies who can't do shit for themselves exactly this is landon's story too she's like i am i wanted to start like you know like an online catalog like i call it like i don't know like cn know, like an online catalog. Like I call it like, I don't know, like CNBC, like Forbes. Have you heard of that? Like it's amazing. Like huge.

Like money. I don't know. Like some ideas. I have so much time on my hands. I thought I'd call it Time Magazine. I have the biggest trouble going through Host Monster looking for a name for the website. They're all taken. Look, Pepsi, gone.

I'm just having the time of my life, so I thought I'd call it, like, Time Life Magazines. I want it to be a website that knows a lot of things. You know, like, let's call it Encyclopedia. Sorry, gone. We can't do the domain name could you at least do a domain search before you come into a meeting poor landon so she her whole story this episode is that she was she somehow snagged a um she snagged a meeting with lockhart steel of the box media you know he's like a big name in in that world um funny story like 10 years

ago i remember going to some sort of blogging party and he gave me his card he was like yeah we should like talk whatever he gave me a card and when i got home the card was said something like suji patel i was like you shady he gave me some some random dude's card. Lock, card, steal. Anyway, so... That's some funny shit. It is pretty funny. So Landon, she has come up with the idea to pitch an online magazine,

and she says, she's like, I'm pretty impressed with myself. I'm like, good for you. Good for you for having the wherewithal to pitch an online magazine the only user review for me is from me but still it's a good one so she hasn't actually built anything i'm gonna call it yelp yeah like you know something big like yellow pages i don't know you know like remember how

there used to be phone numbers in a book like maybe we can put them on a website i was thinking about like doing something about sports but like instead of like writing the articles we could just like draw pictures it could be called sports illustrated you know like winters in can like like that's a thing like people go and they like they buy things you know like oh gosh poor landon watching her like struggle through this pitch was absolutely awful watching the delusional bubbles of these people get popped is hilarious like craig really thought he could he's like well you know i believe in myself and I work hard, so I'm going to,

you know, I'll be president. No, no, you're not. It's not how that works. Like, I'm glad you love yourself,

but you know, the rest of the world wasn't raised by your parents. Yeah, exactly. Poor Craig. Oh wow. He really, so his whole thing,

are we done with Landon storyline? I don't know. What do you want to talk about next? You tell me my notes are jacked up. I've got a bunch of them. Okay. he really so his whole thing are we done with landon's storyline well i don't know what do you want to talk about next you tell me my notes are jacked up i've got a bunch of them okay so um land so the thing is the landon goes to uh she goes to me with lockhart steel and he's like so like why don't you tell me about like your online magazine idea and she's like well she's like well you know it's like i well, you know, it's like I thought I'd do some travel because, you know, you guys don't really cover travel.

And I thought, like, it could be about travel and, like, places to go and hot destinations, but also, like, film reviews and, like, restaurant reviews. And then, like, people go to Aspen and, like, what to wear at Aspen and then, like, you know, what are the movies that are playing at Aspen? It was so all over the map and he's like, he's like, okay,

well, why don't you, why don't you like okay well why don't you why don't you give me like like your why don't you give me a pitch in like two sentences like the elevator pitch she's like okay it'll be about like travel and like place to go and like travel arts and travel art like you know art's like really important like people like they see it like art's, like, really important. Like, people, like, they see it. Like, it's even, like, on the back of a matchbook. Like, look, it's art. Like, you know, like, stuff like that. He's like, yeah, so there's a million websites because, you know, the internet. So, I don't know.

You're going to have to do something only you can do. Okay, hon? Only you can provide. All right, hon? She's like, oh, well, thanks. You know, this is great. This is a great lesson. Yeah.

I was actually proud of Lockhart's deal because normally when we see these situations, people are like – Bravo makes it look like they are being critical. And then they go, well, we'd love it. We'd love to have you come on board because normally these companies want the publicity. But he's like, yeah, that's not going to work for us. How about you make a website prototype? But then we can talk. And she's like yeah that's not gonna work for us how about you make a website prototype but then we can talk and she's like what's a website prototype exactly that's how it ends she's like what website i'm like i'm like if katie from vanderpump rules can launch a fashion blog you can do a travel blog

okay just just go to wordpress and download a theme okay it's really the easiest thing in the world she's so funny i don't remember if she told him this or us this but she's like well i mean i don't know what i'm gonna do but like i always imagined that i would be successful so Okay. So you imagined you'd be successful one time? That's not enough. Well, I mean, if success... Free something! If success is measured by living on a houseboat

and not capsizing, then yes, she is successful. She did it. She survived. I made it out of the boat with all my CDs intact, so... One time I almost drifted out to sea but then I didn't I succeeded shopping in Aspen I like that I'm imagining her like an arrow

like like is this that's how she'll choose her stories is it good just always thinking like giggling but thinking at the same time so funny coffee we could be about coffee or like you know people drink stuff like art like snickers bars like what snickers bars you want to take a trip so good okay so what else happened in this show okay so uh in cameron's neck of the woods cameron uh you know cameron and shep have this silly like made for tv uh work arrangement where she's sort of like shep is like her little

apprentice and so uh he tags along with her as she goes to houses and stuff so we got to see a scene where cameron walked around a mansion and then shep kind of undercut her a little bit i guess nothing really happened there basically cameron was like oh well you know if you see if you're on a porch and the ceiling's blue that's the color of heaven to keep the bad spirits away i was like i just need you to sell this place with your sex appeal okay i need you to appeal to the ladies vaginas okay just do it just do it he's like gosh yeah i sure like this living room gosh whoa she's like i see we could we could probably list this place for the mid 700s he's like or the high 700s gosh now i think the mid 700s why do you think that gosh like this is worth so much more gosh cameron why do they call this the bedroom and not the room that you sleep in god so confusing

why is this the sun room there's like no sun in here it's like he's everybody wants to sleep with him just look at him he's like whoa then we have well actually my favorite thing about Sh Shep and Cameron is I like when Shep, Cameron, and Whitney get together because the three of them are so shady. And basically, Shep decided that he wanted, he wants to invite everyone to, like, to the mountains of North Carolina or something like that. Somewhere. So he wants everyone to go to his childhood home. But the thing is that Cameron and Whitney are like, well, you're not going to invite Catherine, are you?

And Shep is now torn. I cannot be mean. My original nanny's going to be there. Gosh, you can't treat people like that around Nana. Come on, guys. We don't want to do this come on like guys i slept with her be nice to her um yeah shep's like i just want to be nice and like you won't invite her and he's like well i just want to be nice no you won't no well no i can't but i like how how shep is, I just want to be nice to Catherine.

And meanwhile, five minutes before, the three of them, like Shep, Cam, and Whitney, are sitting there making fun of Craig. You know, they're talking about like, gosh, Craig thinks he's in Burman now. God, they're so stupid. Yeah, he's real stupid. Well, Shep got that country singer stolen. He got one-upped by Craig. Kelsey Ballerini. He got one up by Craig. Kelsey Ballerini. Yeah, he will never recover.

Never, ever, ever. Nope. Gosh, I'm the hot one. I don't want you to think you're the hot one in this relationship. I'm the hot one. It's like all of Vanderpump Rules, but in a classier setting. Exactly. But speaking of Catherine, Catherine was surprisingly not crazy this episode.

She did not flip her, lose her shit for anything. She, Catherine came to the realization that like the catty bitches she was hanging out with were actually not her friends. And that there was only one person this entire time who was reaching out to her and that she should probably reach back out to her, which was Elizabeth, JD's wife. Is something wrong? Is there something i did because we were friends and i would do anything for you because you're my sister and then is it me um no it's just that um i was just like trying to distance myself from everything because you know jd's best friends with tommy so um i didn't want to call you back but now since no one's calling me back i realized i should go back to you today i was sitting and having some lunch and i thought well it would be good to have some wine.

And then I thought, Elizabeth has wine, so hi. So, hi. My favorite part of this is that Catherine and Elizabeth start hugging and they're crying and they're all embraced. And then they sit back for a moment and elizabeth starts talking to katherine and the way that bravo edited it was that katherine had clearly moved back to her seat like she had been seeing a different seat and she'd come over to hug elizabeth and then she went back to her old seat but they didn't show the footage of her moving back so they cut back to katherine she was suddenly far away and for some reason that just like cracked me up then she comes in for a

hug and then she speeds off to the other side i'm stupid i clear her she's like all right i'm over here now continuity isn't it hilarious but that is rough because now anything she tells elizabeth of course elizabeth's still going to tell jd like you can't be telling the husband things but i guess you still have to be nice to her yeah unless it's part of the master plan unless you finally realized oh wait a second if i can get some sympathy from elizabeth elizabeth probably runs the show around there so right because she could also feed false information to Elizabeth. You can use that palette any way you'd like, darling. The thing is, as much as we make fun of him, I think J.D. is pretty sharp.

Ah! Thomas! She's using you, Thomas! Do you think it's a coincidence that the girl didn't get what she wanted and ended up in the hospital, old boy? Hey, old boy! So I think J.D. would see it through anything.

But speaking of J.D., the real crux of the episode was JD and Craig. And this was, to me, I loved this storyline. I thought it was hilarious because at the beginning of the episode, towards the beginning of the episode, as we saw,

Craig was, he's all exact. He can be, he's going to be like a bigger and bigger part of the bourbon industry. You know, this guy, Craig doesn't even know what bourbon is. Like literally later on, he's like, so what is bourbon anyway? It's justbon industry you know this guy craig doesn't even know what bourbon is like literally later on he's like so what is bourbon anyway is it just like you know something and he

said it in such a way that it wasn't his fault like he was mad to eat it no he's like yeah so like what is this like bourbon like why is some whiskey and then some bourbon like why why wouldn't he tell me that? Like, you know? Like, he's setting me up. Like, stupid. It's like, dude, go to Wikipedia. At the very least, go to Wikipedia. Go to Landon's website.

He kept you stupid is your allegation. Like, he's keeping you stupid on purpose. Come on. Yeah. No, Craig is very much, like, I think I admire that he wants to like prove that he's a good worker now, but he, he thinks he's- Well, you do that by working. You don't just stop by the men's warehouse and then, you know, go to Supercuts and then

boom. Yeah, exactly. Because early on, JD meets with Craig and- Elegance is learned you hear that song by Countess Luella money can't buy you class Craig so good Elizabeth loves that

song so let's rap T-Rap so anyway so So anyway, so JD tells Craig to keep focusing on the hotel, but sorry, now my throat's jacked up. I'm doing a JD impersonation. So they're going to have a bourbon tasting party.

So everyone's schlepping down there, and he's like, Greg! But I was going to have a bourbon tasting party. So everyone's schlepping down there. And he's like, Greg! But I was going to say, before that, they're going to have this meeting. And Craig's all eager to be a partner in this. And JD's like, all right, here's what I want you to do. I want you to send an email. Craig's like, OK, great. He's like, you know, I think that what we can do is we like we can be a bourbon that's like unlike any other bourbon.

Like we could just like change the entire bourbon industry. And then J.D.'s like, we don't need to reinvent the wheel. Just put more air in it. Just send an email. Actually, the bourbon's already made. OK, the bourbon's out there. That's why we're having a party. We're having a party. All right. So the bourbon's out there. That's why we're having a party. Okay.

We're having a party, Craig. And Craig's like, all right. So the bourbon's out there. Stupid Craig. He's pitching bourbon to the guy who's got a warehouse full of bourbon. Fuck him, idiot. Yeah, exactly. And on top of that, we learn later that this is like the family bourbon. Like, they've been doing it for a while.

And Craig's like, I've got a great idea of how we can market it. Stupid, stupid Greg. He's like, now remind me, what is bourbon? Is it an air freshener that we're selling? Because I think we should really introduce lilac. Oh, Craig. God bless this little part.

Yeah, so finally we get to this bourbon event. And they get to a full-on warehouse. It's like JD's warehouse. And Craig's like, so are all these barrels for us? Are these all our barrels? No, you idiot.

They're not all your barrels. Are we sharing these? Is this like a lease rental share? These are ours? Is this like Jack Daniels also? Did Jack Daniels decide to rent out part of the JD warehouse? I don't get it. Is one of those barrels full of monkeys?

Tell me the truth. I've always wondered about that. That's a lot of monkeys to play that game with. Do you have a ladder? Because I can go really high up. We should have a monkey mascot. There, I said it. There, we're going to revolutionize everything.

Monkey bourbon, yes. Yeah, yeah. Now, remind me, bourbon is like a suntan lotion, right? So we're talking about cheesecake here, right? I never knew cheesecake was made in a barrel. So can you explain a little bit about why barrel-aged cheesecake tastes so good? He's so stupid. He's like, do we get to drink all this?

I'm like, no, Craig. No, you don't. And he's like, wait, this is all ours? JD, why didn't you tell me that we had all this inventory? It's like, the inventory's been there for like 30 years, okay? I felt so bad for him because he's like, this is my fate. Bourbon, I'm going to run this company, and I have pink eye. I'm like, oh!

You got pink eye on the day you're meeting're meeting your fate come on that's so sad he's like i'm so confused why are we on bourbon street this is this isn't that where bourbon's made we own streets whoa why don't you even tell me we own streets like you're it's like you're trying to cut me out so like do the streets come from the barrels is that what happens you open a barrel and you can make a lot of street put it down on the ground i don't get it so they get to this uh fluorescent lit warehouse and everyone's like shitty attitude they're like hey here we are guess we're gonna drink this shit whatever this is crap well we call it my family

just straight up pee pee yeah and craig is already starting to feel nervous he's starting to realize that he is essentially an assistant right and he's starting to get really embarrassed because naomi is there and naomi he's been telling naomi that he's essentially taking over the east coast you know operations for all of bourbon land so yeah naomi is counting the instagram likes from all the girls that believe her bullshit earlier in the day she's like i'm the bourbon queen so craig is already so craig is trying to try and he's trying to like feel like a businessman so he's trying to talk like a businessman like we have inventory and then he's trying to talk like a businessman, be like, we have inventory. And then he's trying to ask questions to make him sound like he's on top of shit.

And so Danny shows up, Skinny Danny. She is the one who, she's worked in liquor sales for 15 years. We've seen it before in the past. She knows wine, et cetera. So she's really knowledgeable about this. So Craig, so while this woman, Bonnie or whoever is starting to like guide people through the tasting, Craig pulls Danny aside. He's like,

I have a few questions, Danny. And he literally said, his question is literally, why is everyone like making bourbon companies? Like, what's up with that? Like, can I just make a bourbon company like why is making bourbon company so cool hey so like let me ask you this like glasses or cans what would you rather sell

yeah bourbon is the glass right that you pour the whiskey into right oh my god i felt i was just cringing during this whole thing because he's like what's the difference between whiskey and bourbon and all that and uh dude this is a big business okay it's a multi-billion dollar business okay it's not just about knowing bartenders yeah but that's like part of it right like a big part right he was fully doing the tom schwartz tom sandoval lvp sangria pitch he's like well i feel like i'm equipped to take this over because like i know some bartenders in charleston and like there's my my friend uh my friend joe up in delaware like he's always looking for bourbon so i'm like dude i got bourbon so vice president yeah my idea is for everybody just to like carry it in their trunk and then like when you're walking around the streets and someone's

like i need bourbon then you'd be like i got bourbon then like they buy it so like you know listen it always rains i'll start at hey you know what it always rains and when it rains people need a bourbon right it's like an umbrella right he doesn't even know what it is and danny's giving him shit so i like this episode because they bring danny out a little bit more and she's just like now listen here i'm not just some extremely thin wallflower i have a voice and a business yeah Yeah. And I like how she suddenly has like an arc. She's like, I just got, because JD offers her a VP position with his bourbon brand. She's like, I just got out of the industry.

Don't pull me back in. I just got out. My whole life has been dedicated to bourbon. You know I'm done. Tell me the deal. Yeah. She suddenly became a TNT drama. You know, just like all her life, she has been struggling.

She finally got out. And next thing you know, she's on top. Danny stars in Barrel Aged. The bourbon business movie. It's like, Jesus. Okay. Exciting life. She's like, has anybody contacted human resources and asked them what the deal is with all these sexual harassment cases?

Like, seriously. Like, the least interesting show ever. Who's stealing paperclips? Danny stars in Bourbon Legend on TNT starring Angie Harmon. We need more than just flip cups. I'm sorry. Angie Harmon stars as Danny in The Flip Cup Queen, Bourbon Legends. You know I'm done flipping cups.

Just this one last shot, Danny. One last gig. Come on, Danny. Come on. Yeehaw. Join the J.D. Burbage team. Danny, yeah. Fine.

But I swear to God. Sold, young man. I swear to God. I'm doing this for my kid. That's the only reason why. You don't even have a kid. I know. Oh for my kid. That's the only reason why. You don't even have a kid. I know. Oh, my gosh.

So I'm looking through my notes. Lord, help us with these notes. So Greg is still, you know, everything is falling apart. He doesn't understand why he's not equipped to be a VP. Because, A, also, by the way, you're 23. You have no business acumen you haven't been to be school you haven't run anything in your life then you're the only professional gig you've had since you graduated you got fired from so that's also another reason why you can't and then Craig is like I'm

smart as shit I know it sounds silly but it's true I'm smart as shit, man. Like, do you get it? Like, I'm smart, okay? I'm like, here's the company. Yeah. By the way, feces is not smart. So when you say you're smart as shit, it's not a really good comparison. It's actually apt. So thank you. It's the most forward-thinking thing you've said yet, young man. But I did the invitations.

I did the invitations. I should be VP. Like, I bought napkins for this party. So, like, now you're telling me I'm not going to run the company? Like, I don't know who else would have gotten better folding tables. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world.

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Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more.

She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Seriously.

So stupid. It's going to kill me, these stupid shows. And then Shep is schooling him in his past aggressive way first up is like gosh craig that's not the right shirt to wear to a bourbon event that's not what the that's not what you're wearing how you're gonna relate to your customers when they're having dessert shep wow this dessert is so rich i might marry it gosh how do you sound like you're from leave it to beaver and also a dad so so then um but then shep starts to give this like phony like pep talk he's like i'm really

proud of you shep i'm really proud of you craig you're really like doing a lot of great things i saw those invitations that zap zap chancery font was great you're really, like, doing a lot of great things. I saw those invitations. That Zap Chancery font was great. You're doing great things now. I just bought this building, so I'm, like, always competing. Like, so you're fired. Hey, I just earned $20,000 by tagging along to Cameron's thing. But you know what? Your choice of the Impact font was great.

Great. Keep up the good work. Yeah, I like how he's like, we're still family and I need to just be supportive of him and just say I'm proud of him. I'm like, how about, I don't know, calling him an alcoholic on national TV

and making it so bad that he had to go home to his parents for a year. What are you so supportive now, getting your free bourbon, your fucking meal he's like i really enjoyed that eva you make craig you're really like coming up in the world it reminded me of the the thick paper stock invitations i sent to my burn piles of money party i had so uh basically craig is all worked up now because his dreams are crumbling right before

his eyes he's obviously just a secretary jd's like jd's like hey boy give the doll a little scrub what'd you want like wait a minute. I don't think I'm gonna be the head of this company. What's the deal? He's like, now, Craig, now, you didn't think that you were gonna be the head of the company

now, did you, boy? Did you? Yeah, kinda. It's what I had printed on my cards. Head of company. Yeah, kind of. Because, like, I mean, it's what I had printed on my cards, like, out of company. So, like, yeah, I did. Oh, Craig, but you have to remember that you're not one of us, right? You know that, right? Craig, The Outsiders, what a movie.

But they're still never going to be us. That's the point. You can't change the title now. They've already been all over America. I say, I say, I say, Craig, you're just not one of us. You're just a stupid. Hey, man! Hey, man.

Can I have my $15,000 back? Or is that, like, non-returnable or? $15,000 back? Or is that like non-returnable? Alright, Craig. Here's what you can do, alright? Alright, here. This is my jacket, okay? It's a very special jacket. What you can do

is you can hang it up. Now, I don't let anyone go do this. Only special people, alright? There's a hanger over there. Now, you go put my jacket over there, and if you do it real nice, I'll let you hang up my hat, too. How's that sound to you, Craig? You like that, Craig? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I believe in incentivizing my boys. Now, look up my nostrils and grab that little booger. I feel him right in there. Grab him out, Craig. Good boy. All right in there. Grab him out, Greg. Good boy. All right, Greg. Here, take off my shoes and socks and get that foot of big old Rob. That big Joe has got a corn on it.

Be careful. But I was thinking we could turn bourbon into Coke. And then, like, you know, we'd be so rich. Like, everybody drinks Coke. Get up, boy. Get up now. He's like, I got this really great idea. You could put ice in your bourbon

and you could say it's like bourbon neat or something like that. You don't even know what neat is! Ice by Craig. I know a lot of people with refrigerators so I can run this company. They all need ice in there. That was so sad when JD's like,

did you lead anybody to believe it? And they close up on the delusional ass girlfriend. So funny. I mean, JD, you know, I can never tell if, I mean, there's part of me that feels like JD is pure evil. And then, but there's part of me that feels like he's actually like a really, really nice guy. And he's just like very smart.

And he's, he's actually, he handled that situation very well because he saw what was going on. And he was very authoritative and very stern, but friendly. And he was like, now, Craig, you can't be the CEO just yet. Craig, you got to work up. I'm being nice. I'm telling you nicely, which is his way of saying, drop it now or else you're gonna get fired, okay? Yeah, or else I'm gonna go out there and humiliate you in front of everybody. Like, it's bad enough, dude. Like, you don't get to just tell people,

I've won an Oscar, and then you get home and there's an Oscar sitting there. Like, you don't get to do that. So J.D. let him down good, but then stupid craig is still so stupid he's like but i think i was and then he's telling the girl and she's like but what do you mean like seriously like because last i heard you own this building what happened she was

literally crying she was you could see she was like oh m g i attached my myself to the wrong star what was i thinking when i emailed him up in delaware why did i think this was smart why did i not go after shep oh my god oh my god i have to get a job you know she's taking that ring in for an appraisal immediately she's like wait a minute suddenly my hand feels light yeah yeah he's probably taking like dish towels out from under the sink and shit that girl's once that girl finds out now you get to see the change and we see it on shah's too with uh jessica you see how it goes from sweet and innocent until like oh now she knows what's really up with you yeah it's the uh chas palminteris coffee mug falling to the ground in slow motion

moment for both of those women and all of a sudden they see they see their men they're not limping anymore they're walking and they're walking to the unemployment line he was hotter when i was drunk yeah so that's pretty much how this ends, right? Let's see. I live to make Naomi happy because, like, we're partners. And, like, that's all I live for. I'm like, dude, you can't even rent a goddamn apartment for her. Craig, get a job, Craig.

So cute. Still so cute. Cute. But, like, Craig, you have to, you know, you have to work for it. Like, you know, he's just so thirsty. He really, really, really wants to be on another tier up in terms of social class. But, you know, God bless parents for making their kids that confident in life. That they really do.

And it's not that they can't go do anything. You know, they just forgot to tell them about all the stuff that you have to do. Like, you're capable of being a rocket scientist. But in order to do that, you'll have to read a lot of books. Yeah, exactly. And, Craig, a really good thing to do is to educate yourself on the product that you want to become the CEO of. You don't know what bourbon is. You don't know what bourbon is. You went to a bourbon tasting, and you're expected to be a partner in it.

He's like, this is my dream. Bourbon is you went to a bourbon tasting okay and you're expected to be a partner in it he's like this is my dream bourbon is my dream no just go invest in bars and be like a multiple bar owner person then you get like a little money to live off of well you can be at bars every day yeah i have to teach you people how to be alcoholics yeah yeah poor poor craig well bye southern charm so you want to go to shaw's at sunset now yeah i've lighted out yeah let's do some shaw's next all right well um previously on shaw's girl bye girl bye girl bye bye goodbye that's pretty much you do this whole life girl bye girl bye i think drunk yeah um well they were still camping yeah so they it opens on this like awkward night of uh camping they're still there they're making hot dogs i think or something like just sitting around yeah and gg is give mike is on the phone he's texting oh yeah they're already all awkward and bored because they're like who's gonna attack gg who's gonna do it i don't want to me neither babe that's so person they're trying to figure out what to do mike's texting and gg's

like mike phone i'm like man this guy cannot leave without a woman on his ass about a cell phone. Yeah. Like Gigi and then back at home. Poor guy. Yeah, he just basically can't touch technology. So Gigi gives this big, long apology to Mike because she's getting drunk now so she can talk. She's like, Mike, I just want you to know my anger with you wasn't just about one thing. Like, oh, really?

Because you were, like, spewing semi-rape allegations last year. She's like, no, it's not everything. It's just that, you know, it's just like a general thing. Rape shmape. Come on. Yeah, rape shmape. Also, I screamed it in front of your fiance at a party in front of everybody on purpose just to screw you over. Whatever.

I mean, you know, also remember when you borrowed that tape in the eighth grade it's also you know tapes and rapes yeah so they i guess they make up or whatever but gg is so delusional she's like in nature i feel most myself i'm, you are the most unnatural person I've ever seen in my life. You're like a dolphin getting stuck in one of those containers that hold Diet Cokes together. Those plastic six ring things. Please, that would actually help Gigi if she had one of those things around her mouth. Why is my head getting so big? why is my head getting so big so this this was a really bizarre episode because i don't know if she was drunk the whole time or

what drugs she was on because she was skipping from paranoia to extreme depression to like party yeah no yeah because i seem to remember on that first night when they're – so Mike apologized. He's like, Goldenessa, I want to say I apologize to you for speaking down to you a lot and being rude. That's something I didn't know about myself until I watched it on TV. And I apologize to you for that because that's wrong. And I'm sorry for trying to rape you. So I apologize. Yeah, I guess we can end the sweater. Let's just include it all in there.

But his apology, this is such a compulsive liar, this guy. And I actually like Mike even though he's a slimebag. I do like Mike, yeah. This is just – if you're dating a guy like this, you just know when a guy apologizes like this. I have to work on how I talk to you. I can only imagine how hard that was for you, like, when I would talk to you like that. Like, I can only imagine how difficult it was for you. And so, like, I'm going to be working on how I can better serve you, you know?

Like, no, you fucking phony. You ass. What a terrible apology. And he does it ten times in this episode. You asked for a terrible apology, and he does it ten times in this episode. I can only imagine how difficult it was with your, you know, limited intellectual capacity to hear me talk in this way. So I apologize. I have to learn to understand and appreciate your shortcomings, at least in the mental department.

Yeah. I just need to study more so then I could diagnose the psychological problems that you are attacking me with. Yeah. Bitch. So this is all about issues. Now, the ones who are always talking about issues but don't really ever have to talk about their own, Reza and Asa. Reza, yeah, he has to kind of talk about his relationship, but it's only issues he has with somebody having issues with him being an asshole if that makes any sense and then also just nothing ever happens over there she's like you know i need it to be free babe like let it flow like let's just be ourselves really who's your boyfriend where is he where is he right now how much shit are you

hiding to not be on tv right now yeah good point that's. That's right, because she's dating a Jackson. Yeah, she's like, I just stay at home with my mom, babe, and that's it. It's like a storyline at home with the family, babe. That's all I can feel. I'm doing this for Iran, okay? Yeah, so was this the night when they started doing the pranks? Oh.

We're pranksters. That's a person. I ran like, we thought there was a holocaust, but like it turned out they were just kidding. Like, they didn't even mean it. Like, it's crazy. Stupid pranks. I can't remember the order. Because I remember there was like, there was the prank night. There was the night was the night there was the big intervention night which at the end of the episode and then

there was that weird moment with gg and mj i'm trying to remember which was on i think the gg and mj gg and mj was this first night right because mj was like all right well this is we're all family so it's time for family meeting and so so then Reza and MJ start hashing something out. And Reza's like, hooray. Like, when I said I wanted to have a surprise wedding and you were like, no, like, that hurt me so much. Like, you didn't appreciate how hard it is for me to want to marry my fiancé.

Like, that's really hard for me to want to marry, to commit to the man that I supposedly love. And you didn't appreciate that. That was, like, literally devastating me okay it was devastating to me like it killed me on the inside like that's all i was thinking about so i just want you to know like i'm dead inside from the inside about really she told you it would be selfish of you to like plan a wedding and take away the bride's fucking day yeah exactly she wasn't saying like don't get married she was saying this is a terrible idea the whole thing is that adam feels

like does not feel empowered in this relationship and you're about to like do that all over again and like people who always have to apologize he's mj's immediately like i understand completely what you were saying about that and i didn't want to you know they're all so good with the apologies yeah and then gg's like hey you know why i touched you because i know so do you you know too everybody's like uh you do you you do you yeah you do you you hey no no no go back i'm just gonna sit here and watch you do you. Hey, no, no, no. Go back. I'm just going to sit here and watch you guys. You guys talk. You do you. You do you.

Go ahead. You do you. Because you do. You do you. It was so frustrating because MJ was about to clarify everything with Reza. And then here's Gigi being like, hey, you do you. You do you. You do you. You do you. She's like, I don't want to, like, I don't want you to talk to me right now, okay?

I don't even, like, I'm not even there for that. Hey, monkey. Hey, monkey. Oh, MJ. Hey, monkey, my bad little monkey. Gigi monkey. Come on, monkey. Gigi monkey.

Babe, babe, Gigi monkey. Babe, babe, monkey. Monkey, what's going on with you, monkey? Monkey, monkey. Gigi monkey. Babe. Babe. Gigi monkey. Babe. Babe monkey. Monkey. What's going on with you, monkey? Monkey. Monkey. You do you. You do you.

You do you. You do you. You know what you do? You. You. You do you. So I was just writing, please don't do the intervention when she's drunk. I think you have to wait until they're sober to do that.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I was like, I had the same thing. Like, this is about to be the worst intervention of all time. Oh, G, we need to move on from the scene, but I was just looking for this note and I found it. Stupid Gigi. She goes, I don't want you around me, okay?

I'm done. My inflammation has reached my heart. It's my heart. It's reached my heart inflammation like my heart can't even grip a beer can anymore shut up uh so everyone goes to bed as gg says don't talk to me i was laughing so hard in this episode and then like they're all going to bed and that's when it's like prank time um so that's when all of a sudden like the entire campsite just becomes like hell and and reza starts spraying everyone's tents with like the liquid ass and uh like shervin pulls out the pegs from these tents i was like at one point like there was one tent with people in it and the

tent just like deflated and they were just lying under deflated tent for some reason that was like, at one point, there was one tent with people in it, and the tent just deflated, and they were just lying under a deflated tent. For some reason, that was a very satisfying image for me. We're pranksters. Water guns. You wacky Persians. Can't even believe we can buy these in stores here, because these are so Persian. Oh, wacky, wacky, wacky Reza and wacky Shervin. So then they...

Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. Nothing. That was all I was going to say. Hey. Yeah, Shervin's little wacky side is sadly hilarious and cute. Sadly, cutely hilarious.

Not sure what's going on with him. Still can't tell. Yeah. Cards in RV, dinner break, family restaurant. Okay, so is this... No, this is... So the next day they go to a ropes course. They work on their bonding and yada, yada, yada.

And it sort of goes the way you expect it, which is that they're on the ropes course. And what's funny is that Gigi... There's this one part with this rope sort of lattice work kind of thing. And Gigi is climbing across it. And Reza's like, hey, stay close to Gigi. This is going to be hard for her. And all of a sudden she's like, ah, this is so hard for me.

I'm like, Reza, you shouldn't have said it's going to be hard. Don't you know when someone's doing something at difficult times, you don't say it's going to be hard. That's exactly how you get people to be a little bit. Oh, no. I'm like, ooh. Yeah, and she's like, I'm going to, you know know normally i wouldn't do this for myself but i'm gonna do this because it's for my family shut up climb the rope just do it just everything's

like a huge dedication from gg i'm dying she's like in her own biopic you know dying by a lakeside of some terrible influenza like i get it like rheumatoid arthritis that is serious and that is awful and um you know i hope it's something that never happens to me uh or any of my friends or anyone i know um and you know it's not just the it's not the disease it It's just how people react. Like some people get it and they just act like, oh, today I thought would be the last day I would ever smile again. Yeah. But but but the way it just to me, it was I don't know. I mean, I didn't I actually really didn't have any problem with her doing that thing. It just was, you know, sometimes I do think that gg has a tendency for the to have some dramatic moments that is just

not the person you want as a spokesperson yeah exactly the poster they're like great the drunkard who loves knives who never did anything with her life she is the poster child for our disease now great yeah if you're paying if you're giving your spare change in a 7-eleven or in like some mexican restaurant on the way out and you're putting it into a tin jar you ain't gonna put something into a tin jar with that face on it yeah no one will donate to that cause no matter what it is yeah exactly so i brought out a casting a better spokesperson yeah so then there's just more ropes course stuff reza does the there's just more ropes course stuff. Reza does the hard part of the ropes course.

He's like, it's so empowering. I did the part that only one in ten people could do. That's so Persian. I held on to ropes. Hey, Mike, thanks so much for supporting me and holding that slider above my head the whole time. It worked. No problem, bro. no problem bro because i don't know if i ever told you like i miss who who we are you know like who we are on the inside together you know like when we see each other on the inside we get you know together on the inside you know what that means like brother man right yeah you like my brother okay this episode's adorable i can't wait to watch you guys decapitate each other next week.

I know, exactly. So then after the rope scores, that's when they all pile into the RV, and they're driving off to dinner, and everything is fine. Everyone's bonded. Everyone's so happy. So, of course, leave it to Reza to be totally obnoxious. He's like, hey, guys, make sure we watch Gigi's drinking tonight. We don't want her to be out of control.

It was so passive aggressive. And of course, Gigi hears it. She's like, I can't believe we destroyed this bonding moment right now. Because the thing with Gigi is if she can seize an opportunity to be mad at someone, she's going to. So it was perfect. She's like, why are you trying to make me do this right now? I'm supposed to be on break. Stop giving him my queue line i'm not fighting right now but reza i think feels uh like he's the producer or maybe he is one of them but he seems to always

just care like okay we've been sitting on this rv playing cards like nothing's gonna be used from this okay who's gonna make fun of gg gg's an alcoholic yeah okay let's see if we can get gg to do something so they go they stop off at this like family restaurant full of old white people who are like staring at the cast you know and i don't know if you noticed it but within like two minutes of the scene like two minutes into the scene the entire restaurant was empty everyone was like clear clear the restaurant they're like non-whites and all those cameras and everything well i'm not gonna sign a paper to be on your tv show like they're doing you such a favor get the fuck out of here i will take my key lamp to go thank you very much clear the locals yeah so they're all ordering and gg's like i don't want

anything like gg aren't you hungry i'm not hungry i lost my appetite gg i don't want to eat so it's like a total child move like no i'm not gonna eat and then all this all this like food arrives potato skins and jay's like oh yeah so that that's great. You're not going to have dinner. I haven't been able to eat a proper dinner. I've been practicing and trying to have a real dinner ever since that dinner you were mean to me. I've been practicing having dinner three times a night just to get over that horrible

dinner where you were really mean to me. Gigi obviously doesn't even remember what she's talking about. She's like, okay. Was that the one that I said, girl, like uh okay was that the one that i said girl bye or was that the one i said bye girl or was it i was like bye girl bye bye bye bye girl is that the one i said it by by angelicia i don't remember so yeah mj was like angelicia mj was like i was so hurt that like if you wanted to come to my

wedding I would rather burn you to the ground than have your soul hurt if I was dead tomorrow I would make sure that first I blacklisted you so you couldn't bring your evil spirit to my funeral okay

Juju's like well I'll be dead first because I'm not eating dinner tonight and then the waiter comes and then she's like we're like no i don't want any food in front of me i don't want any food like really making her point being like a petulant little child oh yeah so she's she's just a mess and so they decided to did they do the intervention i don't even know what they started like they started talking. I think Mike was saying, he was saying, well, it was funny because Gigi said to MJ,

like, I wasn't saying anything bad. I was just saying a hypothetical. I'm like, I can't say, everything I say, like everything you do is okay, but anything I do is bad. And then Mike goes, hey, Gigi, here's the problem.

Everything you do is okay, but anything we do is bad. I'm like, gg here's the problem everything you do is okay but anything we do is bad i'm like do you guys see what you guys are all saying to each other you're all saying the same thing yeah and you're all right yeah that's true funny like you can't even take their side because you're like you're right they are horrible and they're right you're horrible too yeah uh so later that night it's just all this gigi crap. So Gigi's that girl. We all have one of those in our family. It's just misery at all times. And if she's around, there will be misery for you as well. Yeah.

So she's just being miserable. But the image of her sitting there chain smoking in a Hello Kitty sweatshirt, like a neon green Hello Kitty sweatshirt, and giving everybody a dirty look was hysterical to me. It was like so perfect. This little angry girl. so they started talking more mike was wearing a pink handkerchief in the handkerchief code what does that mean that color pink um it means cheating on my wife and saying i have a lot of money but i don't have a lot of money but i'm going to tell her i have a lot of money in the future because i'm starting up a a shoe line that I'm not equipped to do, but I think it'll work out. He's like, yeah, did you see me doing those ropes in these shoes?

Like, do you know how many guys after were like, bro, you're still getting laid later? And I was like, right? Stupid shoes. I saw him on the rope. I was like, of course he's wearing $500 shoes. Yeah. So, yeah, he's going to be in big trouble with Jessica coming up next week.

But then we got one final Gigi monologue with everybody. And she's like, it's my disease. I know I've been so violent. And, like, you know, like, I just I wake up and I just want to yell and, like, stab somebody. Like, wow. You know when else I heard this? The first episode of season one. Yeah.

You know, I thought there was – I think there was a shred in there that I thought was – you know, I felt bad for her when she was like, I've been doing it all and it's been five years and nothing is getting better. And to me that actually felt like a very real moment and I thought that was like how can you believe this I'm so healthy like I do I eat the right things and like I work out like you're drunk every day exactly you do you're a party animal and a chain smoker what the fuck you gonna go into a monologue

about how healthy you are are you kidding me exactly but I did feel like that frustration of trying to do everything and it like not it just wasn't working i i felt like that was a real moment of vulnerability compared to like the the um the made for tv vulnerability that yolanda foster will give us oh god i'm not even gonna compare those two i'm not it's not but just as a moment like when gg Gigi was saying that, I was like, as crazy and awful as she is, I was like, yeah, like, I do feel bad for you in this moment. And I feel like you are being raw, as opposed to, oh, no, like, I am sick in bed with my David and my, you know.

Well, also, there's a huge difference on people calling her out, because no one calls Yolanda out about anything ever. And they never have on Beverly Hills hills they never ever have so yeah you know like if yolanda was on shazza sunset they would be just like reza would be going to town like i don't know it doesn't make any sense you're like water skiing and then you say you have lyme disease like girl get it together and then jay would say something nasty you, basically every storyline that happened on Beverly Hills this entire season would have been one episode of New York or one, you know, like maybe a couple episodes of Shah's.

Yeah. They just took all year. They're like, well, she told me to, that's the entire year. And then, and then Shervin,

he, his, his big moment. He's like, Gigi. So we, uh, there are a lot of family members who would

like to say things to you but couldn't be here tonight so they wrote letters and here are the letters. She's like, no, I'm not going to do this, Sharvin. And then he's like, you're going to kick me in the balls. She's like, fine. So she's like, dear, dear Gigi, you are so wonderful. I love you. Love, your father.

Doesn't that make you happy, Gigi? Yes, I have just plastered over the latest wall you put in whole. I would like to say thank you. The bill is $92.47. Apologize for threatening to stab your sister. I love you very much. Be home for dinner. Dear Gigi, also, we gave all of Gigi's extensions to your sister.

Sorry. Bye. She made a blanket out of them To wrap her loneliness in Okay, love your father Thank you for always being prettier And that ends the shaz She's like, okay guys

Now I'll be less hateful and violent Because She ain't gonna remember tomorrow That didn't work. No one ever said, you're an alcoholic, stop it. They were like, oh, you feel bad about stuff? Hey, in any intervention, and she's known this was coming for four days, in any intervention, it's like being trapped

and not being able to get out and starting a lie carousel of spinning. She's like, oh, I don't feel good. I'm sad. I'm in pain. This is so painful. Because, you know, it's your excuse. Yeah, absolutely. Not that it's not real. Not that it's not a real one.

Well, they had a little group hug and, you know, we'll see more disaster next week, especially as Mike and Jessica's relationship falls apart. You know, Bravo's got bigger fish to fry than Gigi's, you know, alcoholism. They thrive on her alcoholism. They don't need to, they don't want to dwell on that too long.

Alcoholism is so classic Bravo. Yeah. Let's think bigger, better, newer shoes. You know what I like to dwell in? I like to dwell in my bed. Do you ever like to dwell in your bed? I do. I sure do.

It's got to be comfortable though. though it is especially with some parachute uh sheets did you get your parachute sheets yet no i mine are back ordered so i have not gotten them yet ben i'm really upset about it they're really good they're really i have to tell you you have something to look forward to because we got them on the comforter we got a we got a fitted sheet we got a comforter and we got some pillowcases going on right now oh i'm so excited i love a duvet cover i'm always on the lookout and they really aren't being sold that many places like target started selling them recently and they're all gross uh these are actually really good they have a blog that even helps you with design and stuff uh parachute is an online bedding brand and it's based in venice beach california yeah i mean i think we all know that great sleep starts with your sheets and

parachute has created a line of everyday bedding essentials from sheets to comforters to give you superior sleep the website's really straightforward and easy just select the bedding you like and then have it delivered directly to your front door easy um and they have with free shipping free returns and a 30 night risk-free guarantee you can rest easy yep and you also get safe sleep they partner with united nations nothing but nets to send life-saving bed nets in the fight against malaria. How about that? So I have to say I really, really enjoy my parachute sheets. And I'm sad because I think I'm going to leave them. I'm moving back to Hollywood tomorrow, and I'm going to leave them for the dearest boyfriend as a little gift.

But I'm going to be sort of sad to part ways with them. You're like, here's my used sheets. Love you. Bye. Another incentive for me to come back here. Yeah, these are luxury sheets. So go over to Parachute's blog and check out Parachute. Oh, and by the way, you should also –

Oh, yeah, use our code. Yeah. Well, but also when you go to the blog, you will learn about how thread count is a marketing gimmick, which is true. I don't know if you – did you know about this? I didn't know until I read about it. Yeah. They can – like I think there's some truth to thread count, but it can be manipulated. It's more than just thread count.

The numbers can be inflated, and it's bull, people. So go to their blog and check that out. Bull, people. So go to their blog and check that out. But more importantly, shop online at parachutehome.com slash crappins for new sheets, duvets, and other bedding essentials. And receive $25 off your first order by using the offer code crappins. That's parachutehome.com slash crappins. And save by using the offer code crappins. Thank you, Parachute.

Thank you, Parachute. Okay, so why don't we move on to our main event which is real housewives of dallas during the other show that was on last night that uh we already talked about what was it the other southern show southern charm yeah uh i was waiting for that because i was watching live, so I was watching all the commercials. And I was like, wow, Real Housewives of Dallas makes Southern Charm look like you're sitting in a library, like just learning something, anything. Because it was like last week on the Real Housewives of Dallas. It's like Leanne trying to beat up a cameraman, whatever. Jesus Christ, man.

That show's insane. And here we are. Here we are. So we left off right where last week. Leanne has thrown a glass on the ground, called everybody, a bunch of mother effing curse words, C word, whatever. She's going out and Tiffany's following her. Tiffany follows her and she's like, Leanne! Leanne! And Leanne is just

like inconsolable. And they start to fight and there's like a valet standing right there and he's like trying to ignore it all. He's pretending to be like super cool. He's like, checking out his cell phone while those two women are fighting and Leanne's like,

you didn't have my back! And Tiffany's like, I had your back. I had your back. You didn't have my back. Tiffany's like, I always have your back. And she's like getting her finger in her face. And then once Tiffany started, okay, so this is what I'm liking about this show. These two obviously have really been friends

forever because the minute that Tiffany lost it and started screaming and getting straight, Leanne immediately shut the fuck up. quieted down she started going well i don't know why are you acting like that like acting like she was crazy because she knows you don't mess with crazy tiffany yeah because yeah because tiffany well what i loved was that leanne was like you didn't have my back and just say i always have your back i always have your back and leon's like well you don't have to and then he's like what you just told me i don't have your back and now you're saying i don't have to and leon's like i don't know you know what it was like growing up as a carny i love that leon said that so many times growing up like i did as a carny i don't have

trust in people i mean sure, this Tiffany person seems nice, but at the end of the day, is my necklace still on the dresser? I think about these things. You have to. And Lynn's like, not in front of the cameras, not in front of them. They're right there. They're right there. There's a camera right there.

I never really believed that there were even toys in the Cracker Jack box because everyone would steal them before I even ate my Cracker Jack. I can't even look at those animal crackers. Reminds me too much of the carner lifestyle. Oh, okay. So you grew up in a carnival, so that's why you just screamed at everybody and threw a glass and told them all to fuck off. And also, I love that this show

seems more realistic than the others because they're not like, okay, now you're angry. Walk down this beautiful street looking angry. It's like she's stalking off towards a dumpster, like literally a gigantic blue dumpster. And then she almost gets run over by a trolley and she slaps it. Yeah. This is a first. This is the first Real Housewife that actually punched a trolley.

She attacked a trolley. Ring, ring, ring goes the trolley. Well, fuck that. Ring, ring, ring goes the carny. You don't got to do nothing for me. Nothing. Not you either. Trolley.

This trolley did not have my back. Slapping trolley. Don't ever take her to San Francisco. Leanne has hit a trolley. Don't ever take her to San Francisco. Leanne has hit a trolley. And I wrote, inside the bimbos cry. Because she doesn't think you go inside. And it's the whispery bimbos.

Brandy and What's-Her-Bun. Stephanie. I thought you were talking about inside the trolley. I feel like inside the trolley was like going on a tour at Universal Studios. Like, oh look, there's Jaws. Oh look, there's one of those Jurassic Park dinosaurs. Oh, look, it's Leanne. Look at how everyone had. Inside the Trolley, Brandy and Stephanie were crying and making this big deal about the fight.

And Stephanie's like, I don't want to embarrass you. She's like, I don't want my charity world to fall apart. I don't know what that is. I didn't want to embarrass this nice charity. I mean, Capped with A's is like, they're mortified now because of me, because of what I did. I've worked so hard for...

And Carrie's like... Oh no, go ahead. I think we had a delay. Sorry about that. No, no, nothing. Go on. We're going with our competing, made- stream of conscious bullshit so stupid but uh carrie i like that carrie was like oh look at stephanie look at little stephanie crying you know she's like one of those little giselles you know or little gazelles and she's just there looking all pretty. And before you know it, someone like Leanne, who's like a hunter, comes along. And he looks at that beautiful, beautiful gazelle.

And you do what hunters do. You shoot it. You pluck it. You eat it. You fuck it. It's like, Jesus, what kind of story is this? Could you maybe try the great swan or something? I mean, Jesus, what are these gazelles?

And what are they doing? I loved how when Stephanie was crying, Carrie's like, well, it was embarrassing. For her! And everyone was like, yeah, for her! Shady. Poor Stephanie. So let's see. Gold, Ariel, Asian man with sword at Stephanie's.

Okay, so now it's the after effects at everybody's house of this terrible fight in Dallas. And so we get a close-up of Stephanie's house. And, of course, there's a fucking statue in front of it. It's not of a horse, and it's not of a bull. So I'm proud of him because every other statue is that in Texas. This is like some Asian man with a sword. What the hell? Yeah.

It was when you give your husband too much power in the front yard. They're a little, they have a little bit too much money on their hands. That's our problem. Or at least they're trying to appear like that. But yeah, Stephanie was like, her husband's so nice.

He was trying to listen. Yeah. Yeah. She was like, I spent the entire night staying up crying because I've worked so hard for these charities to make a good name in the charities. And I don't want to talk bad about me or my husband or the charities to them. I love my husband and my family. He's like, oh, honey, we're rich.

Please don't cry. I know that's like, OK. Yeah, that's basically his reaction. It's like, yeah, don't worry. know that's like okay yeah that's basically his reaction is like yeah don't worry we'll just buy everyone out it's like don't you worry ladies you will not you will not be kicked out of ottomans for orphans you will be safe there they will keep you in there we'll just donate an extra five dollars ottomans for orphans that would be so great they're just like lying around with their feet up on things listen today we're getting rid of all our old ottomans we're gonna give them to orphans there's no couches yeah

orphans orphans try to watch the tv but they keep falling off because there's no backrest man's like, growing up as a carny, we never had Ottomans. It was just never comfortable watching TV, so I know what it's like. Try sitting on a bottle of Clorox. It's just too old.

We did it in the carny. You little spoil. I earned this, okay? We used to put cafeteria trays on popcorn buckets. That was our Ottoman. Otto, he was a man. A carny man. He would just hold me on his shoulders if I needed to sit down.

And he was HIV positive. I didn't care, though. But then his wife got it, and I had the perfect charity for her. HIV positive carny wives. Or as I call it, HIV PCW charity. Thank you for questioning. What do you have to point out one of the reasons i can never like brandy because at the end of that fight and they were talking about how bitchy leanne was she's like whatever i i don't need to do this i have

to go home to a family i have to go home to a family i don't have time do this. I have to go home to a family. I have to go home to a family. I don't have time for this. I'm like, oh, fuck off. So you married somebody and popped out a few children so you're better than everybody else now? Shut up, you asshole. It's bad enough when people use age against each other without bringing the, like,

your child, at least I'm not childless and alone. Stupid Brandy. Okay, so we go to Leanne's house. The dogs are not getting biscuits. It's officially broken. The pattern is broken. Yeah, they're merely getting pet, but they're not getting any biscuits. But maybe Leanne was just too heartbroken to give out biscuits. Like, how can you give out biscuits when you're in the middle of a fight with Tiff, with Fee?

You can't give biscuits out when you're in a Fee fight. But I like Leanne. She's like, Tiffany should have said, the moment that Brandy started up with me, Tiffany should have stepped right in front and said, no, stop it, you little bitch. It's like, well, okay. She should have pulled out a toothpick and put it up to her throat and said, I can poke a little tiny hole in your throat and it'll take you a day to die, you little slut.

She should have walked right up and confiscated all the carnival tickets right out of her purse. No rides for you. If I, if, you know, if I weren't a better friend to her, I'd cut her off from saltwater taffy for at least a week. She doesn't get any cotton candy, that's for sure. No whack-a-mole for you. I take the whack-a-mole hammer and hit it right upside the head.

Called whack-a-ho. You know, by the end, that was just little bars popping up because people kept stealing the heads off of it. I'm being a carny kid, I'm telling you. So, where are we? So, I love Leanne's boyfriend, fiance, whatever guy. He's like, so, hon, you feel better? He's like, why do you think I feel? Look at my face.

You know how I get when I get like this. You know how I get. He's like, yeah, I sure do. I sure do. Like, how often does this woman just go off? I know, exactly. He's like, I would rather dance publicly than have you go off again.

I'd rather get caught tapping my toe in an elevator along to the music. I'd rather someone see me whistling quietly in my car on the highway than see you go off again. Then you understand! You understand!

So, over to this Tiffany. I'm loving their relationship. It's weird because I didn't think I would, but I'm loving Leanne. Oh yeah, Leanne's hilarious. Leanne is like the star. It's not Leanne. It's like I'm waiting for the Leanne scenes to happen.

And a lot of the other stuff in this show were brandy scenes and they're i'm sorry but they're painful the girl she talks like this and so does her mom granddaddy's coming over and then granddad comes over and has nothing to say and now we're just sitting here oh football was your like jesus christ can you not make this 30 minutes of the show people i know i mean it was sad like brandy's whole storyline was that you know she has this grandfather so we finally get to meet the grandfather and she has the grandfather over it's a big meaningly meaning meaningful moment although she's still kind of brandy's still always very shady she's like we should have gotten a moped

to get them from the door to the kitchen I mean I could have told my whole life story in the time it took those stupid old people to get to the kitchen already well I'm sure they have these houses everywhere but in Texas especially people will build houses like that

I mean it's a McMansion basically but it's just aansion, basically, but it's just a gigantic house, but everything inside it is not ornate. It's the fucking fake wood you see in the Home Depot on the floor. You know, you recognize all that, but they're like, let's have a giant room between the kitchen and the living room. It's just nothing.

It's like a mile of space these poor people had to walk through, and they're all old. It's like, we should have got them one of those scooters like from Florida. Have them wheeled around. I know. Be careful of bobcats. So... The shawls cross over. The bobcat crosses over.

Oh yeah, that's right. We forgot to mention crosses over. Oh, yeah. That's right. We forgot to mention that Mike saw a coyote. He's like, that scared the shit out of me, bro. That scared the shit out of me. Calm down. You see the man. Coyotes don't mess with persons. Everyone knows that.

Coyotes have taste. That sounded totally racist. I'm sorry. They don't like cucumber yogurt. Damn. Okay. I was really just referring to this cast of people

the cougars are like you smell like yellow rice so not eating you gross the caftan's like I don't want to put on a caftan did I say the caftan I mean the coyote I'm going crazy I'm officially going crazy the caftan doesn't want to put on a caftan don't worry

we're talking about Dallas which is fucking crazy if ever in doubt just say because the carnival does the car okay so there was this big long brandy and mom scene and then leanne hiv women they're getting close okay okay so i'm gonna skip so the the thing the big thing that's happening is that you know obviously now t Tiffany and Leanne are in a big fight because they fought. And Leanne is going crazy. She's like, I try to maintain everything inside of what's going on. She's like, I'm Christian, Christian, Christian, Christian Carney. It's like, that sounds like it's about right.

I can't help it, girl. It's like most of the time i'm fine christian christian christian it was like the scariest thing she ever said girl you just that's a clock that just hit the right time or whatever she said something like really texas-y she's like yeah you sure you sure hit that square on the nail of the head i'm trying to say oh god it's contagious so anyway so there's So Tiffany and Leanne are in this fight But they have to go to a clothing

Drive together So It was like this really icy Moment when When Leanne is there And then Tiffany walks in and then Ignores Leanne and then she's like She didn't even say hi to me She didn't even say hi can you believe that i'm gonna tell my husband

aaron hindroth and then carrie walked in i loved when carrie walks into the drive and she like looks at leanne and she's like thinks about saying hi and she sort of was like no just keeps walking yeah and then they're just kind of looking at each other through the gates but it's not like a typical real housewife oh it's a charity thing and there's appetizers it's literally a basketball courts with heaps of clothes all over it yeah and uh so they tried to do stuff but i think everyone was like i don't want to shoot scenes here do you okay let's just leave and so they left uh and leanne's like stalking off to her car all alone. But I loved Leanne saying she's going through all the clothes and she goes, Michael Kors, large. I have a feeling Michael Kors doesn't know what large is.

Put that in the extra. Bow at me, Michael Kors. Bow at me. You're large. Bow at me. I don't do her. Stephanie cried. Stephanie cried right before.

Oh, yeah. I don't do her. Stephanie cried. Stephanie cried right before. Oh, yeah. I don't do her. I like that. Stephanie was crying. So her husband took her out for an anniversary dinner. Got her something expensive. I guess that's how people do it. For $75,000 bracelet while they're driving around in their Rolls Royce.

A lot of really important people buy jewelry from DePools. Whoa, DePools. Wow, guys. Yeah, it was great. That's so exciting. Similarly, Mark got Carrie, his wife, a new dress. And he's like, don't go get champagne thrown on this. And she's like, oh, my wife oh he always buys me clothes my wife she's just like yeah totally i love that

yeah i think it's oddly turned on by putting her in a dress it was weird it's like yeah yeah do it show it to me i was like okay the camera just needs to start rolling backwards now roll backwards a little bit out of the Okay, and then close the door. Exactly. Get dressed, baby. So with Brandy and so basically now, before we get to the Leanne and Tiffany

like little they have a little, they get back together. But before that, we have this Brandy situation. So now she's having a big barbecue for her grandpa. And it's a whole big thing because they've never had the whole family together for a cookout, etc. And Brandy's husband is like away on a business trip. He's supposed to be landing soon and coming to the cookout.

So then Stephanie comes over and they're like chatting. comes over and they're like chatting and um brandy's all excited um for her husband brian to meet um oh i know i'm sorry she like trap brian and talk about how brian travels so much because they're like well they both like sports and being successful so they're like two peas in a pod like a really very broad definition for why someone should be people should be friends not husbands not at all that's actually totally normal the husbands just get stuck it's like when you have to be friends with your kids uh parents you know you're just stuck there together so the husbands are like well that one gets drunk and plays golf and he likes his job so we're best friends we'll be forever so it's all based on they are best friends apparently and uh that's what gets brian into trouble because travis calls stephanie and i was

like yeah i'm just finishing up the bar i was just i was just playing golf with brian and now we're at the bar drinking which was so so shady because Brian was supposed to be home, etc. So they both finally show up and Brian is drunk and totally past aggressive. What a dick. He's like, he like walks in drunk and he goes up to his daughter and he's like, oh, somebody forgot to put sunscreen

on you, didn't they? Some little whore, some little whore of a mother forgot to put sunscreen on you. Well, thank god daddy's home because you most likely be electrocuted or dead by now you're that whore of a mother in charge let's go play in our dungeon playground and then didn't even go talk to the poor old guy i mean look he's not the most interesting papa in the world but what do you want a papa's a papa okay like he got he was weird about it like

he went all on his own with the kids and refused to talk to anybody and then yeah he wouldn't talk to her when she tried but of course now look i see his side too already before even hearing it because that this bitch is crazy yeah you know she probably cries all day and puts him through the emotional ringer and he's done and She's trying to do all this stuff on camera and he probably told her, you can do this, but I don't want to be on some stupid TV show. It's so gay. He's like, come on.

It'll be fine. He's pissed. He's like, there's even fucking cameras in my house. Get out of here. He wants to yell at him so bad. You can tell that he definitely does not want to be on this show. And, you know, for all we know, he did talk to Pawpaw, but they just made it look like he didn't. But he still seemed like a big guy.

Yeah, it's not like he's missing out on a fascinating conversation. He's like, so I haven't ever seen you. What's your life like? He's like, well, wake up. Occasionally have some breakfast and, you know, crossword know crossword puzzles okay well thanks for coming over at the end yeah so meanwhile while this like awkward family reunion was happening uh tiffany and leanne meet up to bury the hatchet to fix things and um it was kind of funny because it was because leanne walks and she's like right now

i'm one big emotion i am a giant emotion she walks in and she's like i am so sorry i am you know i love you i love you so much i'm sorry i hate the fight and the two feel like no i'm sorry i miss you i miss no i'm sorry no i'm sorry it was like an i'm sorry off you just know you know how i grew up so when i see girls getting together like that and they start talking like that i know that they're about to try and drown me in the bobbing pool and i am not gonna stand for it hey well you know that when you see me like that i'm about to end up on the bathroom floor trying to snort up dust bunnies and get them through my nasal canal. So can we agree to help each other? Alright, well, see, you're my sister. You're my sister!

I love these two. I know, she's like, what did I say? I'm Japanese and Native American, I will scalp you and then I'll be like, Mr. Miyagi. And I won't know what either of your people cook. I just don't understand it. And that's just how it's gonna be.

Oh, gosh. These two men, they're a disaster. Can you cook it in tinfoil in a stove made out of a box? Now let's go out to the street and go slap some trolleys. Oh, god. So this was it, right?

Fuck calls husbands, they're at bar drinking. Lifeless answers. Bribing kids. Ignores grandpa. Okay, yeah, I think we're done. I think that no matter what happens, all that matters is that Leanne and Tiffany are okay. They're okay for now. But I'm ready for the next flare-up.

I just want Leanne to get mad every episode. That's all I want oh my god her instant anger is amazing to me it is and completely nonsensical and I'm sure Bravo will do whatever they can to piss her off every single week and I am down for it

because it doesn't seem fake it doesn't seem like one of the people who's like I'm going to start a fight just be fake. Because, of course, all these shows are. But I really believe that she's pissed. Yeah. She seems like she would really go off about anything.

Absolutely. She just, yeah, she sees red real quick. Little mimicker. Little mimicker. And I love that about you, you mimicker. I love that your art is impressing other people and making them look stupid in public. Isn't that smart? Oh, you're smart, too.

Wow, a smart Mimic-er. Good for you, honey. Hey, Trolley, I love how you mimic being a train, but you're not a train, are you? And I love that about you, you Mimic-er, you Mimic-er Trolley. That's probably what she says to buses as they pass by. I saw the trolley, and now that one will hit you back. What are you,

you mimic trolley? Mimic trolley? What are ya? Don't look yellow, so I don't believe you're a real bus, are ya? Real buses are yellow. When will I tell the horse about both of you?

Gonna be shocked. Mimic her. A lot of mimickers in this town. And I love that about this town. All the angry fights Leanne has had with transportation devices going back to the 20s. Hey, streetcar,

I love how you try to be a trolley, but you're not a trolley. You're just a streetcar. I love that about you, you mimicker. You old mimicker of a streetcar. I almost married a little red firetruck one time. Then I found out red means communism. You won't be invited here much

longer. Hey, Buggy. You certainly want to be a stagecoach, don't you? But you're just a buggy. I love how you mimic that. I love how you're a mimic of stagecoach. I mean, Buggy, I can't tell the difference. I love that about you. Well, thank you, paper airplane.

The way you just almost poked my eye out on your flight around the living room just made this year worth living through. So thank you. Thank you, honey. Hey, helicopter. I love the way you fly in the sky like an airplane, but you're not an airplane. But you love to mimic one, don't you? You're such a good mimicker.

I love that about you. I really wish that I had a camera in my eyes so I could show you. Okay, I just took a picture. I have a camera on my phone. What the look that Bueller is giving me right now. I think all animals on Earth get concerned when they hear Leanne's voice. Am I going to get slapped? Hey, dog.

I love the way you imitate a wolf. Mimic her. He's laying down, and he just turned his head upside down and is looking at me upside down. Like, really? Shut up. Well, maybe it's a good time to end this. Hold down the gavel. All right, everyone.

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