Watch What Crappens - #2911 PumpRules S6E5: Rawt in Hayell Jax! Live From Dallas

Episode Date: July 7, 2025

We saved a few live recordings from the Mounting Hysteria tour for vacay time, and here is the first! We headed to glorious Dallas to recap the classic Vanderpump Rules episode where Jax demands a housewarming party to prove his relationship is stable but then gets caught on audio cheating on Brit. Rawt in hayell, Jayax! To listen to our Love Island bonus episodes, watch our recaps on video (excluding live episodes), and participate in live episode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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My name is TJ Raphael. I'm the host of Liberty Lost, a new podcast about who gets to be a mother and the control of young women hidden behind the veil of faith. Binge all episodes of Liberty Lost ad free right now on Wondery Plus. Hello you gorgeous Dallas Indians! It's worth it so much that it happens. Hello you gorgeous Dalessinians! What do you call people from Dallas? What do you call yourself? Dalessites?

Dalites. Dalessonians? Dalites? Dalessites. Dalessites. Like a rock. Yeah, Dalessites. It's been. Yeah, Dallasites. It's very handy today talking about jazz.

What a snort you city. So great to be here. We just drove here from Austin. God damn it, we love you Dallas. We got here and we were like, damn you trolley. Trying to find a trolley to punt. I saw the trolley. I could see it from my hotel room. It was great. I almost wanted to get down there, like, boom, you know? Fuck you, trolley. Trolley, trolley.

Well, who was here back pre-pandemic when we had our two-night show, two-night engagement here? Yeah, Leanne Locken was here. Mama Dee was here. Was anyone here when Leanne Locken was here, Mama Dee was here. Was anyone here when Leanne Locken took over the VIP and started doing all the photos? She was like, all right, who wants a photo? All right, you're next. All right, come on, keep it moving, keep it moving, keep it moving.

No joke, she deleted that. Making Mexican jokes. We canceled her before she was ever canceled. Right in this VIP. My mom almost beat the shit out of Mama D because we had them put a sign on his chair that said, Mama D. And my mom just saw Mama. I sat right down and tried to, but Mama D was sitting there. She said, excuse me. And she, my mom said, who are you? And she said, Mama D. And she said, well, I'm the mama. Move. I said, who are you? And she said, Mama Dee. And she said, well, I'm the mama. Move.

I said, you moved her? She moved Mama Dee over and sat in the chair that said, Mama Dee. It's like that old thing, like what happens when an unstoppable force hits an unbreakable wall? Wig versus wig. It was a wig fight. It was ugly in here.

Oh, it was amazing. Yeah, so we had a really fun drive from Austin. We came down, and so normally, we've done this before. We made the road trip up the highway. We almost always stop. Up the highway. I like that you specify. We made the road trip.

Is it north? Is it south? We did the highway. We did the highway this time. No dirt roads. No back roads this time. Normally, we stop at Bucky's, but... Yeah.

You guys, Bucky's getting aggressive. Is what we're about to say. But we're like, look, if we stop at Bucky's, we're just gonna go buy a whole bunch of fudge and candy. And we get here and eat a whole pizza. We should have just gone to the fucking Bucky's. I know. But like, Bucky's knew that we were trying to be healthy because I swear to God, the moment you pass Buc-ee's, the nature of those billboards gets wild. It's like, you'll be back. Buc-ee's stalks your ass. It's like, Buc-ee's, Buc-ee's ahead. Come to Buc-ee's. You come into Buc-ee's? It's Bucky's.

You thought you could get away from us? Did you mean to drive by Bucky's? I'm going to start stalking your ass. Yeah. It's like, whoa, still hungry? Should have come to Bucky's. Wow. Bucky's has so much that not even Gale can eat it all the way through it. Stop by. You passed by a Bucky's, something Gale's never done. And the billboards would be like back to back. It'd be like, how could you do this to me? And the next one would be like, question mark.

Why aren't you answering my texts? As you get closer and closer, I can see you. I still have the air tag connected to your account. Damn, Bucky's leave me alone. Ben and Ronnie, pack your knives and go to Bucky's. And then there was one with the mom holding a baby and like kissing the baby's head and it says protect the mother and the baby. I looked at Ben and I said, is this about abortion or for a gun store?

Like what? Because we're Texas, we'll do that shit for a gun store. Protect your baby from abortions with a gun. Little baby gun in the womb like. I thought it was just protect the baby from all the Bucky's billboards. Protect your baby from my mother. Okay last night in Austin my mom came right of course and she's wearing this like these gold earrings and this big huge statement necklace and this Versace type I say type because that was some T.Mu shit that she was like.

But it was bought to look like, I think she searched Versace in there and it came up. And she wore it. So we come out to the meet and greet after and my mom's standing in the front of the meet and greet and I was like, mom, you don't have to stand in the line for the meet and greet. I wasn't.

And my sister after said, did you know that mom did the entire meet and greet before you even came out? She did the meet and greet by herself. Like they were there for my mom, you know? And so the this guy came up to us at the at the meet and greet. He's like, your mother told me about your journey in podcasting. My mother has never listened to this and on purpose I'm like don't listen don't don't. I said even if I die young never be like I want

to hear Ronnie's nasally gay voice again I'm gonna listen to this thing. Don't do it it's not gonna end well. She doesn't know but this kid told a whole lifetime story about me he's like the way you started from nothing, the way you rose up, the way you fought and fought. I was like, I didn't do shit. I sat my fat ass down in a chair and found some other queen to talk to. Yeah. Thanks, mom. Happy Mother's Day, ladies. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms here today and who are listening. So speaking of mothers, we've got the mother of trashy TV

to talk about, Vanderpump Rules. Vanderpump Rules. I will say, there was like a moment when I was like, well, should we like hold the valley for the end of the week? And we're like, that's a long, long time to hold it. But the truth is that like the valley is so dark. Like this is, the entire thing, and we're like, that's a long, long time to hold it. But the truth is that the valley is so dark. Like, the entire thing would have just been like, yes, you'll G8 on me.

And then he just comes out in his old-fashioned underwear, and that's like the episode. But then we watched Vanderpump Rules and realized, this shit's always been dark. This shit is dark too. Did you guys watch the episode? Did you do your homework? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's actually, it's wild. Seeing the seeds in all senses of that word being sewn on this show and then watching it all bloom and it's terrible, like poison ivy glory on the valley. Yeah, it is. It's like before the apocalypse. By the way, that means we're in the apocalypse now.

Isn't it fine? Aren't we having fun? The valley apocalypse. The world apocalypse. I think I'm really having a good time in the apocalypse. Everyday news is just terrible and terrible. I'm like, I'm still having a good time. I'm loose. They haven't taken my Bravo yet and I'm like I'm still having a good time I'm loose they

haven't taken my Bravo yet and I'm fine they better not then they'll be a real problem previously on Vanderpump rules Tom Tom you're both just such toxic emotional abusers with no self-awareness or business sense or personal hygiene. So naturally I would love to give you a business. D'oh! For just.0023% of this empire! It will only cost you your life savings your mother's life savings Tom and

your voices Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Bro you fucked faith and Brittany found out and you sad face of a slot man fat fat stupid man Relationship has never been so amazing since any of this happened I think at this point Brittany's just like, hey fucking me bro. That sucks bro. It's awesome, it's awesome. Lisa asks, you know I know I left this show and told you all to go fuck yourselves, but the allowance that I get from Temu Harvey wine scenes

are small and mama needs her fame, okay? So can I pretend to be hostess against? Of course my broken little bird! Anything to save you from the yachts of Dubai darling. All it will cost you is your original face, any good sense or morals you might have less and your voice. Ask, ask, ask, ask, ask. I just squirted.

She was just squirting. You're wrong for that. Tom, you probably. Apparently I was told that I got sloppy drunk and made out with someone which I have no recollection of. Tom, you promised me after the last time you got blackout drunk in New York and didn't remember making out with somebody that you wouldn't get blackout drunk and make out with somebody and forget why you're blackout drunk? How could you do this to me? I deserve better! Oh, are you sure I said that? I forgot! I'm blackout drunk right now! I'm just a little boy! Lisa! Ooh, Sheena!

I found the man of my dreams and all I want to do in my life is marry this man! Ooh, yes! I found the man of my dreams and all I want to do in my life is marry this man. Yes, he will marry you Sheena my squeaky little dim-witted Sheena All it will take is your printer canvas your family enchiladas and of course your voice Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh kk maybe not the voice okay and scene so this brings us back to a time where not only this show was just so good I mean really, really what art, you know? Like a lot of artists weren't really realized until they were dead. I'm reading this HP Lovecraft book and they're like, he's stuck, he didn't make any money, no one even liked that guy, now he's dead and we're like, I love HP Lovecraft. I think that's like this show, you know?

Yeah. Well, to be fair... They just all need to die. To be fair, these people were dead on the inside at this point. Well, that's true. There was that. But not only was this show really good, we got the art from the show, but we also got Trixie Monocle art.

I mean, we still have Trixie, but unlike a lot of losers on Bravo, I think she went to rehab and learned more words. Because I don't know what the fuck she's talking about now. I don't need a five minute song with Trixie from lyrics. This is what I need. Classic Trixie. Here's the song. No.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no. No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. No. She's out. It's a direct quote. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, this was, of course, just a shade before the selling sunset era of Trixie declaring that she was a boss. I'm a boss. I'm a boss. I'm walking like a boss. I go in like a boss. I leave like a boss.

Boss, boss, boss, boss. I use like a boss. And bossy, bossy, boss. I've got a car. Bosses have cars now. I drive a car like a boss. I'm a boss. Those are still pretty good, but now she's like, I'm feeling shit,

I'm feeling shit in the morning. Sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm not, sometimes I read a book. I was like, no. You're reading now? Go back to the boss days. So, we are,

we arrive at Katie and Tom's apartment, which is... I love that Trixie is writing songs about reading books. She's like, Colleen Hoover, what a boss bitch. I fail shit. So by the way, I've sort of gotten so used to the later Vanderpump rules era of Valley Village homes that it was so nice to go back to the cramped apartments of West Hollywood right where the sofa is next to the chair is next to the bed is next to the little friend's frame on the door you turn on the microwave it turns the electricity out because the air conditioning still on that We lived in those apartments in West Hollywood.

That was something important. They need to do scratch and sniff for these old ones because that shit smells. Let me tell you, it's not only the sperm. I mean, that's the obvious one, but it's like cigarette smoke, weed, old people, dead people. Probably the squirrel in the attic, but ain't nobody gonna check it. And of course, you know, we can't talk about this apartment without, of course, the pièce de résistance, which is the giant disgusting bubba art on the wall. Bubba!

Bubba! So let's start with the bubbas, this sad, sad couple. Masturbate. Just masturbate. Let's start with the Bubbas, this sad, sad couple. Masturbate, just masturbate. You know, I said it back then in season six, and I'm gonna say the same thing now. Is this any of this worth it? God gave you your boyfriend. It's right here.

Don't deal with this. So, Jax is, well, we don't realize it now, but Jax is sitting on his little beer cooler scooter thing. Which is, I mean we can just end the episode now. This is all we needed to know. Everything we needed to know about present day the valley happened right now with him sitting on a scooter cooler. I mean he really is kind of like a little coked out golem

on that thing protecting. He's sitting on it. He's like this. I'm surprised he still didn't use that to get to Jackson's of Studio City. You know, he's got that golf cart. I'm surprised that thing's not motoring down Laurel Canyon Boulevard, a little cooler. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.

Guys, apparently dudes, I got wasted in Santa Monica and I made out with some chick, but I blacked out and I remember I'm just a little boy. Mm. And Jax's like, is this real? Can I go to Santa Monica and make out with a chick? And Sandoval's doing that thing, because remember this is when Sandoval was innocent

and everybody's like, oh, there's one decent man on Vanderpump Rules, Tom Sandoval. And so Tom hears that his friend cheated, which now we know he probably helped him, you know, do it. It was like getting a BJ in the back room with him or whatever. But right now he's acting very morally offended and he's doing that with his Tom Sandoval. I'm very offended at my friend's eyes. He's like Very moral Tom so Schwartz is like you guys I would understand if you want to leave winter is coming

Schwartz is like, you guys, I would understand if you wanna leave, winter is coming. And then they come in, winter comes. The White Walkers do actually enter. Yes, the Ranch Walkers come in. Ranch White Walkers. It's Katie, Ariana, and Stacey, they all just walk in. This is like some weird school play, because for some reason the entire cast has come in

and they've just piled in onto the sofa. Isn't Kristen there too? Kristen is there. Kristen's there. Well, she doesn't walk and she just flops in and falls over I was gonna say here's how I know Kristen walked in I literally cheered when I saw Kristen walk in cuz you know We've seen everybody age. I mean, it's great. We all get old whatever it's not about that But the walk changed with Kristen. I miss Kristen's meth head in the middle of the night Walk, I miss it like meth head in the middle of the night walk. I miss it, like where one heel is always broken, she doesn't know what a sidewalk. Is she on half a sidewalk?

But this is her walk. This was amazing, yes. But like fast. She came in so quickly. You know what she looked like? She was at the airport on the conveyor belt people mover thing and she didn't realize it had ended and she's like, going on a fast clip and then she's like on solid ground like, oh, cuckoo!

Oh, that was so funny the way she lurched into that apartment. I died. So, they're all giving dirty looks. Like, we're girls. We're here to stand up against men that we're gonna marry again soon. I know. So Katie's like, um, Jax, I don't recall requesting your presence here, so scoot on down the hall. And Jax is like like fine by me. He's like yeah I had a little impulse purchase it's motorized so gets me from my apartment to Schwartz's apartment in like

three seconds. He's just like get off the road! So everyone's gathered around, including, I mean, there's just so many fun familiar faces like Carter. And Carter's there like... Like what? He's the voice in spoke for Danny's work as a zombie. Danny's such a pig on that show. I can't wait to see what a pig he is on the valley because it's like coming out slowly,

you know? They're like, oh, it's just a little sexual harassment. This is Vanderpump rules. Just you wait. You know, like this is just the appetizer. So Katie. I do love that he's on it just because I like doing this for his job his job impersonations The rayon because he's on the walking dead that's literally his job so Katie walking dead voiceovers even better

Okay, guys, we're ready. We're ready for this take hold on. I got it. We going my levels good Okay guys, we ready? We ready for this take? Hold on. I got it. We going? My level's good? Okay, great. Thanks guys. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappins commercial. Today is the worst day of Abby's life. The 17-year-old cradles her newborn son in her arms. They all saw how much I loved him. They didn't have to take him from me. Between 1945 and the early 1970s, families ship their pregnant teenage daughters to maternity homes

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So Katie is like okay, everyone Schwartz, just sit down, okay? Because you know what? We're all going to sit here until I stand up and storm out, okay? We're going to get to the bottom of it because no one gets to light fires and fucking walk away anymore except for me who's calling this meeting and is about to storm out of it. So good luck everyone. Can I have a lunchable? I'm just a little boy.

I don't even know why you're mad. Where am I right now? Are the lights out? Why can't a lunchable? I'm just a little boy. I don't even know why you're mad. Where am I right now? Are the lights out? Why can't I see anything? I'm booked out! I'm going to say this right now. This is the last time you get away with the whole excuse of like, I don't remember because I was wasted.

Cut to every episode for the rest of time. I was wasted. So he's just like kind of re-jelling his hair or whatever and she's like, guess what? You're gonna be married to me, Tom. You're never gonna be wasted again for the rest of your life.

And this is where Tom Schwartz drops his mask and shows us who he really is. He goes from like, oh man You don't get to tell me what to do My bro you got wasted and cheated on Katie like not a big Katie fan over here, but like you're wrong here Well, yeah, I mean but I love that Katie is like, okay, you want to stay married to me? Well now you're gonna have to do it without any reasonable tools. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

George is like, I mean, she's not my mom. I'm an adult. I made poor decisions, but like, I don't think it should cost me my freedom. I'm just a little boy, but an adult little boy. So Katie's like, I'm telling you not to get fucking blackout drunk so you don't cheat on me again. He'll cheat on your ass sober too.

I mean, that is so cute that she's like, it's all the alcohol. No, it's not. The alcohol is the excuse, not the reason, if that makes any sense. Yeah, so Katie's like... Someone got it, they were like, yeah. They're like, yeah, that was good. Fuck yeah.

Listen, come here for the jokes, but stay for the deep thoughts, you know? Katie's like, so excuse me, Tom, your fucking vows that everyone cried over, remember those? They cried over it because you both smelled like the lake or the river or the pond or whatever the fuck that thing you were in on your Wednesday wedding. I'm still crying that I have to find somewhere to put a tea towel with your wedding invitation on it every time you come over."

Cut the sand of all blowing and snot on that poor dog's back. And you can't do that anymore Tom. We had wedding vows. So we see a flashback to their wedding and Lisa being like, oh to two people I wouldn't speak to unless there were cameras here. Bus boys, do you vow to take plates from the right and serve from the left. Take a knife and crumb the customers before you leave. And Katie, do you vow to never turn your hair orange again? Katie, will you marry these two bottles of ketchup, please? Everyone's like, how cute, how sweet, how this, how that, how really, he really fucking loves you, and I was like, I know, we've been through hell and back and all that, all this

shit and we're best, and I was like, go and do your thing, because I trust you and have fun, Bob, but then I'm like on a mom's trip to New York, which doesn't even make sense, because I'm not even a mom, and you're at Bungalow's making out with chicks, Tom. First of all, through this whole monologue, can we just get to this line? Remember when everybody was like, oh my God, Tom really loves you? No. No.

Can you, you've got six years of this show, could you show somebody saying that? Cause I might just not remember. I do remember one chunky queen in West Hollywood screaming, don't marry him! Even you're better than this. Right? No one listens to the gays.

They'll live in our neighborhoods, but they don't listen to us. Katie's like, I don't know you. You're not the person I married. He is literally the exact person you married. That's him. So then we get a Trixie song and she's like, get out of my way, I got nothing to say to you, move.

You better move. Get out of my way, there's nothing you can do to stop the truth, to stop the truth. She knows something. Trixie's sitting on top of a hot secret, guys. And so now we're down to a scene that we didn't get in the later seasons, which I think eventually killed the show,

which is when people actually had to go to work and pretend that they were still working there. Yeah. I love those, cause Jax is always like, uh... Trying to learn what a shaker is without getting a boner. It's like, Jax, that's the telephone. So I'm not getting paid enough for this. Lala walks in and I mean, this is a great season. This is when we had Lauren or Lolo. Mm-hmm. Lolo and Lala.

God, I will always remember the scene where Lolo and her boy, her hot boyfriend got into a big fight and they went to a back room and they took their mics off. I was like, I don't even know who these people are, but I am invested. Yeah, I like't even know who these people are but I am invested. Yeah, I like Lolo too. So Lolo comes and Lolo's like, welcome back. And Lolo's like, Lolo, lala. Okay.

It's like so weird being back. You'll probably see me looking like so confused when I look at the tables because like it's hard to remember what happened before. There's five tables in that restaurant. You never knew the numbers anyway. Just wait until some old fat rich guy comes in. You'll be fine. It's a waiting room. It's a waiting room for Harvey Weinstein look-alikes. Just chill. So Lisa walks in. She goes, oh Miss Kent you're back. I'm like, yeah, you hired her. Thanks for having me back, Sleesesks. She's like, yes, but you have to be consistent, though.

No messing about. Oh, I'm sorry, you're an employee here. You can mess about and do nothing, yes. Consistency, that's very important, sir. Have you read your Yelp reviews? I don't think the waiters even come to the table. Yeah, well, that is an area of consistency because the reviews are consistently very bad.

Yeah, well, Lala's always been consistent. So, Lisa's like... Lisa's greeting Lala and everything, and Lala's like, I admire Lisa. Most people would have written me off after burning every bridge in towns, but I feel very much in debt-a-tour. Lisa's like, whatever, we didn't have much time to cast your role, so get back to work.

We needed somebody with questionable morals for the other girls to beat up on. Get back here, you're a nipple. So she goes back to her little stand and Lisa goes, and listen to me, Lala. This time, no running away because I can't chase you. Is this? Don't hurt me again, Lala.

Is this far and away? Like, I'm playing the end, yeah. The way I broke when my hostess walked out on me. Eugh. Elsewhere at the bar, we have Britney, she's like, Hey, Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai-Jai- J Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y He's like, sure was. Okay, I might be putting a martini glass and a sugar rim in there too. Yikes. He's like, I promise I'll be a better boyfriend. You better be a better bartender too.

Brittany's a twit, but I can't help. I don't care what she does. I always kind of like Brittany because she's the only person I think that actually worked at this restaurant. She came on time, she put her purse up, put her apron on. At the end of the shift, you see her out in the smoke and now they're like, one, two, three, four,

eight, nine, 13, damn it. She's definitely the only one that knew that there was a strawberry on the menu. Why strawberry? So these two idiots have decided that in the midst of this cheating scandal, it's not even like a rumor. It's a confirmed cheating issue that has happened. they're gonna throw a housewarming party together. Yes you do. You still wanna do the housewarming party? I think it's gonna be good. I don't wanna make anybody super uncomfortable but, well, they're already uncomfortable.

They're friends with Jax. Jax doesn't have friends who feel comfortable. I'll make a whole bunch of strawberry-nies. So Jax is like, you know, by having this party and having all my friends come over and drink my booze and eat my food, hopefully it'll be harder for them to sit around and like talk shit about me all day. He's literally just gonna bribe people to shut up,

but all they're gonna put out are like some bugles and like diet sprites. I mean, I know it's weird to be having a housewarming party with somebody who's been having sex with other people, but what are you going to do? Have a cold house? So then Katie comes to the hostess stand and Katie hates Lala so much. This is when they've been friends for, I think, five minutes because she spent the first season

like, you whore. BJs for PJ's am I right? So she walks up to her at the hostess stand and she's like hey ladies I know work is crazy what are you still learning tables? So Lala can I have a moment outside and she's like yes hold down the fort Lala hold down the fort. Lala who can I have a moment outside? And she's like, yes, hold down the fort, Lalo. Hold down the fort. Lala, who's on her first day back at work and has been there for five minutes,

is already taking a break. So, so Katie's like, I don't know why Lala decided to tell everyone that Tom made out with a girl. Like, I thought Lala and I were cool finally. I was hoping to really ride on that plane. So they go to the backyard, the garden, whatever, and Katie's like, so like last weekend

when everything was like brought to my attention, I wanna hear from you since like you were the one to say that to Ariana and Sheena that I've been hearing everything like, and I'm just hearing everything like telephone style. Could you like clarify Lala what was said? Yes, well the only reason I said that was because I thought we were good. But then I heard you were talking about my relationships.

Like you were telling people like whose ass I was eating out and not just that I was generally eating ass. And that man is married and that is very disrespectful of you. And Katie's like, oh shit, because Katie came into this like, listen here, bitch, I don't know what the fuck you think. And she's like, you were talking about me. And she's like, right, right, okay. Hey, not a terrible point.

And Katie's acting like, well, no, I was just like making jokes. And we see the flashback and she's like, well, doesn't mean I'll never go on a PJ, but if I do go on a PJ, it won't be because it was chartered by someone. Sugar daddy, disgusting old man boyfriend. My private jet won't be funded

by some old fat fucker who's fucking me. My private jet will be funded by tuna sandwiches, God damn it. And then we come back and she's like, what, I don't know why she's so mad about it. And then we come back and she's like, what? I don't know why she's so mad about it. It's clearly a joke. I still am waiting for the day that Katie ever tells a joke. Have we ever heard Katie say something funny?

I'm not sure. Wednesday wedding. Okay, so Katie's like, I mean, that didn't even occur to me that Sheena would repeat that to you. I mean, the real villain here, is it the person who slut shamed you or the slut that told the slut about the slut shaming? She's like, well, you might as well tell me everything.

And Lala's like, okay, so my friends were at like Bungalowsk and she said like, oh my God, Tom Schwartz is here. And so they made out and scoredirted everywhere and she told me that throughout the night he did it. I'm never gonna get used to it. Ronnie doesn't like it when it says squirt. And it's not just y'all it's any of us it's just human beings stop squirting like what I like the guys do it too, but just like, why do we do that? Like, there are so many questions

that people have in church. Like, why were we made? Why were we put on this earth? I'm like, why do we poop? Why do we squirt? Why do our armpits smell sometimes? Just stop. So Lala's like, yeah, so they made out and stuff and then they, then she told me that

dude tonight he was so drunk he started calling the girl Bubba and Katie's like, oh, I thought that was our own terrible thing that we said to each other. Bubba, that's the most original relationship thing you can call each other. What's next? But I like that Schwartz is just walking around just assuming it's Katie. That's how fucked up he is. And I do believe that he was fucked up enough to be like, hey, bubba, you want to make out? No. Hey, bubba, want to make out? No. No. Hey, bubba, want to make out? Are you my mother? Are you my bubba? Are you my bubba? And I like that Katie has to then explain why this matters. She's like, I mean, that's like our name for each other.

I'm like, yeah, we know. We've seen that horrific piece of art in your apartment. He has Bubba tattooed on his ass. How could he do this to me? So Katie is very upset. So meanwhile, Lisa goes up to the bar, and she's like, gentlemen, gentlemen, could I have half a glass of rose, please?

And Jax is like, what are you shaking, darling? Strawberry fucking whatever. Pouring ketchup onto a plate. So he gives her like a full ass pour. She goes, oh, is that half a glass? Is that why I'm losing money? You're a terrible bartender. I'll keep you employed for three more years. Casey, darling, please spend some private time with me. America's dying to know what's going on inside here. Come on, darling. Let's go to table 30, shall we? Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

Sean, here we are. Okay, hi, Lisa. That's right, it's table 30, darling. All right, go ahead and have your drink. I'll just have your, I'll just take your purse right back here. We'll wait for some goat cheese balls. I'll knock your spark out.

So Katie's like, well, so Tom, he like made out with a girl and he like said, I took a lot of shots that day and he blacked out and I don't remember. And I'm just like really sad about it. Tom did that to you. A man hurting a woman in my establishment. How does this affect me? Let me tell you how it affects me. What if he's not good at his job once I just gave him a restaurant? What if he's not everything he

could be a tom a tom? I'm talking to Tom about what he's done to my restaurant. But he hurt my feelings. Fuck your feelings. I've got a restaurant to open. He's unreliable. He has a drinking problem. He's totally incapable of holding any sort of responsibility. I'm giving him three more years of employment. That demands a raise.

I'm going to name it Tom Tom Tom. He's going to get two Toms in the title now. She's like, I think if Schwartz doesn't straighten up and start taking accountability for his behavior, then I don't see any relationship that he has lasting. Except, of course, with me and all his bars and restaurants and waitresses and everything. So Katie's like, well, I'm not divorcing or leaving my husband over some dumb shit yet.

But my main thing is I don't want to ruin this opportunity he has with you. Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, so cute that you think this is an opportunity. Yeah. Well, don't you worry. I'm going to get him in there and I'm going to say, we're going to see how you speak to women from here on. And then I'm going to hug him. So hard!

You can go. You can go. Commercials. Here comes one right now. So then we have some non-Trixie music that's just like... And we go to... Exactly like that. Thank you. She's just exhausted.

She's already wrote two songs. She's already wrote two songs. She's like... Carter's assisting on vocals. So we are later at Sir and Lisa walks in and I this was I think my favorite scene of the episode. She walks in and there's a lady who I don't think really speaks English and she's just taking flowers out of a box and arrange them and Lisa's like, Oh, oh, hello. Are you related to Rocio? I have, when you're taking flowers out, here's what I like to do. Take the outside petals and peel them down, down. This is how you make flowers look pretty, lady whose profession is floristry.

Look. And the lady's like, mm-hmm. She's just looking at her like that dog is dead and everybody knows it. Stop carrying that thing around on your arm. And that dog does look dead. She's carrying the dog. Okay, this is the dog on her arm. She's like, hello, lady from the florist place who doesn't know how to do your

thing. As Lisa inverts all the roses, I was like, what are you doing to these flowers? So she goes into a back room and here it is. It's a Stassi scene. We forgot that these actually happened, but they do. Stassi, this was like when Stassi was transitioning between storylines. So when that happens, she doesn't, they don't give her anything to do except plan parties. So she just is coming in here and she's just- Well, Stassi was having one of those seasons where she's like, I'm so sick of people bullying me online. I'm gonna be nice.

And the audience was like, gross. So we're right in the middle of that season. So Lisa's like, oh, Stassi darling, come sit down. Let me tell you a hilarious story. I was just pulled over by the po-po, the pigs, the coppers. He said, you didn't stop all the way at a sign. You've only kind of stopped. I said, if only some of the men in this restaurant

would do it, am I right? Then I flashed him my tartars and went on my way." Tati's like... She's like, that's cool AF. So they make some small talk, some sort of bullshit about like, she just planned Guillermo's party and is she up to planning another party, but not Harrison's party. She's not ready for that. I don't miss these scenes I really don't. So Stassi's like so Jackson invited me to a

housewarming party isn't it already warming up in there enough he's so sweaty. Well you don't have to go. Yes I do of course have to go I need to watch this chaotic situation unfold. Oh God nothing has changed has it star see and seen So we get a new All right, I wasn't expecting it any Trixie Tricky jam ding ding ding. it's an elevator, elevator, ding, ding. So now we're going to paint and sip studio every day. Let me tell you what bros like to do.

Paint. They like to go to paint and classes together. Was Build-A-Bear closed? Listen. Who is fucking the sip and see lady? That's when you have a baby and you pass it around while you're drunk. Sip and see is also what you do on this show when you get drunk and then see if someone got pregnant. So they're all there and Jack's like, yeah, Tom and I are both in the doghouse

big time. And Schwartz is like, oh, I mean, to be honest, guys, I had this whole vision where I was like, oh, they're gonna take us to Joshua Tree and we go up to the Canyons, we're gonna have like a whole Hunterus Thompson day. And Jax is like, Hunterus, Hunter who, what? What is that? I was like, don't, just don't mention these people in front of Jax, he's not gonna get it.

Future Trixie is like, author, that's an author, an author who writes books. Shut up, Future Trixie is like, author, that's an author, an author who writes books. Shut up, Future Trixie. So then Schwartz is like, yeah, I was going to do this thing. We're all going to get shitfaced like Johnny Depp in that movie he was in. But I can't, because I love Katie too much, and I can never drink again. Katie's a sobriety terrorist. Save me, I'm just a little boy.

I'm never going to drink again. What am I ever gonna do? How can I even talk? Dude, do you want a shot? Yeah, of course. Just a little one, you know, Ziggy. So of course they all do shots. He immediately starts doing shots. He's talking this whole time. He's like, This is so hard, guys.

He's talking this whole time, he's like, this is so hard, guys. Not being able to drink like we usually like to drink. Ah, the things we do for love. Listen. There's about an inch left. I love you, Katie. Listen, it was, I know it's a shot, but it was nothing too crazy. It was merely absent.

Yes. So then we see, Jack says like, yeah, I got some absence left because I went out with James the other day and we did fucking absence. It was fucking amazing. Maybe I do like that little fucking twink. I don't know. Maybe I do We see a flashback of them getting high on absence and James is like I see so many fat sluts up there Everywhere fat sluts all around me I'm standing here. I see a really old man Really old man. Wait, it's two really old men.

They're both jerking off at each other. Which one's gonna come first? It's both you old man, fat old man. All I see is a giant pile of pasta. So they come back and then they're just like painting and everything and they're being silly, painting penises. They're painting dicks on their aprons. Yeah, which is great. Jack's is red dots all over it, which at least you know, he's going for truth Doesn't happen often on this show

So while they're doing that we go over to a place called electric owl and Brittany Katie and Kristen are there and Brittany For some reason I love the idea of Brittany going to play as called the electric owl. Cause I can imagine her saying, hey guys, I'm going to electric owl. Do I have to wear rubber? I gotta wear rubber, so I don't get electrocuted by electric owl.

So we get a scene that we've seen 9 million times and are still seeing in 2025, which is girls surrounding Brittany going, oh my God, Brittany, Jax just fucked you over. Are you okay? And Britney going, well, you know, y'all, I know it really hurts, but I'm sure it's gonna change this time.

It's gonna be totally different this time. You know, in the end, it really loves me, really does. So. So Katie's asking how Britney's doing, and she's like, a'm a little bit better. I mean, my heart is wanting to believe he can be a better person, even though my brain is telling me he can't. I feel like I love him too much.

Oh, here comes Kristen. We just hear all sorts of bottles all over. Can I just get a bottle with a straw? Seriously? Britney. Yeah? Seriously. I'm not gonna tell you to do anything you don't want to do. Okay. You gotta come up with it on your own. Okay. Don't forget. This is sir. We're models. Hi. Hi. Where'd you get that flower in your mouth? Cocoa.

Kristen back then was always like posing at the camera like that. She'd be like... I hear sex in the city lines. Can I get a bottle with a straw? Who would have thought that a mere seven or eight years later she'd be arranging for ceremonialists and embodiment guides to come to Santa Barbara and have drum circles where... Actually, of course I envisioned it. It was 100% her trajectory.

So we're going back and forth between the two scenes, and Schwartz is saying to Jack, like, so, are you on any sort of probation? He's like, yeah, I got community service, you know, on her vagina. That kind of community service. So then we go back to Katie. She's like, yeah, girls, you know, like it's not going great with my guy either. Girls. I mean, I know that Tom likes to let loose and have a good time, but he just

takes it too far sometimes. Like you're not a college frat boy. You're a kinda getting chunky ex-underwear model who's got a bubba chalkboard in his living room. When are you gonna grow up? Kristen's like, yeah, it's that old Peter Pan thing. Wait a second, who's Peter? Peter got some pans? He would marry peanut butter! I can't believe it, oh, I'm so proud of him. Peter probably did get pans that day. He's like, guys, I'm ready.

Guys, I don't know if you need me for the scene, but I did get pans if you want an illustration of a Peter Pan syndrome. It's just Peter from the restaurant, the manager from the restaurant panning things. It's like Peter's reviews. Like, welcome to Peter Pan's! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Here's what I don't like, ice cream from taco trucks! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Thank you for coming to Peter Pan's! So, meanwhile, at the painting, Jack's like, can I ask you guys something? How do you not remember making out with a girl? And Schwartz is like, you never blacked out before in your life? I mean, I told Katie I'd take a lie detector and swear in my life I don't remember anything. It's like, yeah, I mean, why don't you just admit to it?

It'll just be much faster that way. That way you can get, now you can move forward onto banging new chicks, you know? Yeah, Jackson's like, you're supposed to just say, like, I'm sorry I fucked her, I didn't mean it, I'm really sorry, I'm a terrible person, but I'm totally gonna change now. I love you, I live for you, like,

all I want is you, I'm totally gonna change. Then unzip your pants and stick your dick in something and you'll feel much better. Let's keep it moving, buddy. Dude, dude, our paintings are ready. Let's take a look at them. So we look at the paintings. The painting of Jax is just like,

it's not Jax, it's just some, it's kind of like a hot guy on a canvas, like okay. It was pretty good. It was good? Yeah, it was pretty good. And the next one was good, but then Jax's was so Jax, it was like beautiful colors with darkness encroaching it was pretty good. And the next one was good, but then Jax's was so Jax, it was like beautiful colors with darkness encroaching it from the edges.

I was like, oh my God, your trajectory. Yeah. He's like, yep. All the paint comes right off the canvas, like it was never there in the first place. So then we go back to the girls and Brittany's like, okay, so all of our lives suck. Kristen, you got any men to talk about? She's like, oh, well, there's like this guy. Okay, well, let's not make Kristen come up with the story

then, y'all, men are terrible. Let's have a housewarming party. What y'all think of that? I can make some jello shots. I can make some of Mammoth's jello shots. All right, all right, all right. So of Mammoth's jello shots. Alright, alright, alright. So they start talking about Lala and Katie's like, oh my god, I think it's like bullshit that Sheena just like ran to Lala and said what I said.

I mean, it just felt calculated because she knew it would trigger Lala and Lala would blurt it out to hurt me. And Brittany is like, oh, I hope that's not the case. And Katie's like, you know know Katie has now felt the sting of having all your stuff being put out there and like having rumors swirl about your boyfriend cheating and she knows how much that hurts which is why she's going to do it exactly back to Sheena. So she's like yeah Sheena shouldn't be so concerned with my relationship when the fact of the matter is that facts of conversational

possibility condensation could lead back to Sheena's own demise in this world that she's constructed of infallibility. It's a convenient narrative. So now I had forgotten that this is where this all began, where Kitty's like, Sheena, she's telling us, we've all heard about the Toca Madera chick. I was like, oh my god, the Toca Madera chick. Toca Madera, Toca Madera, Toca Madera, Toca Madera, Toca Madera, Toca Madera. To this day, when I drive by Toca Madera in Los Angeles, I'm Tokamadera! Tokamadera! So back to the girls

Brittany's like y'all want me to say something to Sheena? You want me to? I can! That's a nice girl she just needs a chance y'all! Give her a chance! Well because Katie and Kristen then tell the story of what happened at Tokamadera like seriously Gaka? Rob is it like Tokamadera? Remember that Katie? That Rob was at Tokamadera? Yeah totally, Katie, that Rob was at Tokimodera? Yeah, totally, Tokimodera. We know everybody over there. That's where models go. And then Jen Bush, remember Jen Bush?

No relation to George W. But maybe, I don't know. Do you think she's related? Anyway, Jen Bush saw him, and then he was like, I don't know who Gina is. And then the girl there was like, I don't know who she is either. And he's like, yeah, she's some strange stalker.

And then they made out. It was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I was like Tokimodera. I'm in Kristen with her straw she's like Tokimodera it all happens at Tokimodera. So Kristen's like my god listen girls I've got woman's intuition, model's intuition, and my gut says, he's gonna hurt her. And then we cut to the glamorous mansion of Rob Valletta in Beverly Hills. It's like I wanted the La La Land music to play.

Dun dun dun, dun dun. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Brittany's like, it's so cool they made a movie about Lala. She's such a nice girl. Lala lean. Girls, we're going to all dress up for Lala land. We're going to do that scene in the beginning where they're all dancing in traffic. Sheena, you're the car.

Okay, go. Everyone dance on Sheena. So we go to Rob's house and Sheena's just, you know, in wedded bliss. Like she's not wedded, but in Sheena's mind, she's like already married. She's like, honey, I'm home. I went to the grocery store.

The au pair can help me cut some of the greens if you want to. Oh, baby, everything's okay. I think it kicked. Is that lemon smell? Were you cleaning again, honey? Honey, I have got to wake up the kids for school. Their bus is almost here.

I made breakfast. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. She has a big dress, you know. Dating Rob, I feel like I'm with an actual man. Like a man man. Not like a an actual man, like a man-man, not like a shaman, but like a man-man. And he runs a children's charity. Okay, just stop. If you ever meet a man, he's like, hey, baby, especially in LA, he's like, I run a children's charity. Show me the paperwork in the van that you pick these children up in. Yeah.

He runs like a children's charity, and he executive produces and hosts a show, and his sister's actually really famous. So it's like, wow, if she's famous, then I'm also famous too. And does this mean that Amber Valletta and I are going to be best friends? It's kind of like the best thing of all to him. Honestly, in retrospect, I can get into a time machine

and go into revenge, and I can play her character in revenge. And then she can be a waitress. It could be like, I don't know, like Freaky Friday, but it would be like a Monday. I'm getting confused with my story now. This is crazy. He's like a real man and he has a house in Beverly Hills. It's a really big house.

So he has a house, so we have a house. We basically have a house. Welcome to our house. So Rob's just kind of ignoring her and lighting candles and now catering people do things. And so they're having a private chef over and enter Sandoval and Ariana to come see how the other half lives. Yes.

And Sandoval's like, whoa, dude. Nice crib, bro. Oh my God. Damn. Wow! Wait a second. Is this rock? What is this? It's marble. Wow!

See myself in that. Did you just turn on two lights at the same time and you didn't lose power? That's amazing! And your air conditioner is on? Whoa! What are those holes in your ceiling? Those are air conditioning vents. D'oh!

This was kind of like Julia Roberts arriving at the hotel in Pretty Woman. She's like, where did Tom go? He's taking a bubble bath upstairs. Send a fucking Rella. And Ariana is just kind of mortified to be with Tom. It's funny watching these old episodes again when we're like, they're so in love. No, they weren't. Ariana's always like, I know.

And Rob is such a dick. He's like, oh, hey, poor people. Welcome to my home slash office. This old little house, it's basically just like a cubicle. Am I right? He's like, yeah. This old little house, it's basically just like a cubicle, am I right? It's like, yeah, so people from Supercut, it's welcome, have a seat. These are actually made of glass that you drink out of.

I know you're not really used to that. So just be gentle when you put them back down on the table, okay? So here's to living, to loving, to learning, and to falling in love with someone new every day. And Sheena's like, ah! And Sheena's like, this is just so crazy because a year ago, I wasn't in this big, beautiful mansion. I was in a living room with TV trays with Shay, and that was totally cool.

And then it comes to Shay being like, I passed the mustard please. Like, yeah sure no problem. As their dinners like teeter on these little... And those barca loungers they used to have and then the art on the wall is their printed canvas wedding things where you don't really even see Shay you just see Sheena's good side. She's like... Honestly we all knew this Rob Valletta situation was going to fail, but after that Shay, that Barclounder situation, I was happy that Sheena got a taste of the good life for just one month. For just five minutes.

Yeah. She deserves it. So she's like, oh my god, you guys, I'm so happy. I think that Rob makes my Botox wear off faster. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! And then the weirdest part was that Heather and Terry DeBrow came over like, can we get in on this? Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! So, Sandoval's like, whoa, actually, my Botox is wearing off faster too, bro.

Hey, Rob, can I borrow some money for Botox, bro? So Rob's like, you know, I just want you guys to know that I invited you two over because out of all of Sheena's friends, you two are actually nice to each other. I was like, hmm, uh-huh. We'll just put a pin in that, okay? And Ariana's like, I don't know who's more into Rob, Sheena or Tom. And it just gets to Tom being like, whoa, are these muscles?

Holy shit, bro. When you have time to work out, aren't you like saving kids and stuff? All right, whoa, are these muscles? Holy shit, bro. When do you have time to work out? Aren't you like saving kids and stuff? All right, cough, cough. Whoa, bro, totally healthy. Dude, do you have like a Phillips used lights in here? Cause that would really seal the deal. So then Rob's trying to be cool.

He's like, guys, here comes the dessert that someone else made. Dessert and sex, they're just like very similar. Am I right? Ha,. Thank you're getting broke tonight I'm not finished Sina right. I'm not finished. I'm sorry Sex is like dessert. I don't really want any of them with Sina around my right Sina could you go? I love how sarcastic he is all the time Actually guys like we we literally have sex

20,000 times a day. I'm not even kidding. It's all under seven minutes. It's amazing. And, right Rob? And he's like, yeah sure. And Tom is like, babe, can we have this vibe?

And Ariana's just like. Can we be on this level? Can we dip out? Man. So. She doesn't answer him and so he just says it again like she just didn't hear him. It's like, can we be on this level? She's like.

And then we see a flashback where Jack or Sandra Ball telling Jack, dude, like Ariana and I haven't had sex in like two months. Like, I don't even know how we're going to do this, bro. So then Sandoval is like, well, but Sheena, you're still technically married, right? She's like, I'm like technically on paper, yes, but paper is not everything. You know, like a lot of it's in your mind. But like in like two months or something, like one, like a lot of it's in your mind, but like in like in like

Like two months or something like one year. I'm not gonna be married to Shane anymore. And she's like she tells us She's like I have an app on my phone that's telling me exactly how long my marriage is gonna She literally says in front of the entire table. Yeah, like this is like technically on paper I'm still married which means that I can't get married to Rob until July and he's like, uh, what? I'm joking, obviously. Yes, and? I'm like a modern woman. I don't really need to be married to have a baby, right Rob?

Uh, hey, I think a TV fell down. I'll be back in seven minutes. Yeah, I have a phone app that tells me the exact moment my divorce will be finalized. I have one month, one day, five hours, 35 minutes, five seconds until I'm officially divorced. Add two seconds for my bad side to catch up. So then we go over to Katie and Schwartz's apartment, and Schwartz comes back with this painting he made of Jack.

He's like, hey, Baba, I'm going to hang this, actually it's of Sandoval, I'm going to hang this painting of Sandoval, which is definitely a great omen for our marriage. This will fix everything. This is a gift I wanted to give you so that you know how sorry I am for everything I've hurt you with. A picture of your best friend that was probably there while you were fucking somebody on a couch? Thanks. Well, then why didn't you make a painting of me? Um, I don't know how to get the shape of ranch right.

The instructor told me not to try cubism. So... The instructor told me not to try Cubism. So. So stupid. Cubism. Wow. But you know, the Sandoval is my like true love in life, right? And Katie's like, yeah, sometimes I think he should have just married Sandoval. We all do. We all do.

We've always all agreed. Yes. So then we go back to the, oh no, so he's telling Schwartz that Kate, he's like, yeah, we were painting today and all the guys had absinthe, but I wanted to show you how strong I am and my love for you,

so I had just a little bit of absinthe, just a little. Oh. Whatever, I've got someone new to be mad at, you're off the hook. According to Lala, there's a new development in the story. Oh, wait. This is fun. I actually am mad at you. You were calling a girl Bubba. What? When? Wait, is that Katie in here? I can't see anything. Is that a Katie impersonator? I think I blacked out from the absent shot So she's like, um, yeah, like honestly Lala that was like nothing compared to talking with Lisa

I mean Lisa is really pissed at you. She says that since you're such a toxic man She's giving you a watch to wear made out of gold Just to show everyone how shameful you are. She's so mad She wants to shoot a fake scene of her scolding you at a dog place. So you get ready. Yeah. So she's like, aw.

He's like, why would she be mad at me? I didn't cheat on her. She's still got the best rack out of anybody we know. Oh, god. I won't do this ever again. I'm not going to put myself in bad situations at clubs and shit. I can go out with the guys and grab a drink and have dinner, but that's all I'm going gonna do this ever again. I'm not gonna put myself in bad situations at clubs and shit. I can go out with the guys and grab a drink and have dinner,

but that's all I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna black out for 36 hours straight on a vacation, or 36 hours straight not on vacation, or right now. Tom, I'm your wife. You should wanna be married to me, and if you really wanted to be married to me, you would really make this work, Tom. Remember at our wedding when everybody was obsessive.

It was like, FF. I mean, even like 10 years later, I'm still like, no. No, I will not. I do not have to, and I will not. So now we go to a relatively nice scene. Ariana and Lala go to a store where Trixie greets them with this great song. I want that new thing. I want it first. I want it sparkly. I'm like, COVID? But they cut her real song because Trixie really liked doing obvious songs about whatever

scene was coming up. Like if the electricity wasn't working she'd be like, it's dark, it's dark. So this one was just vagina. I hate it. Vagina. I hate it. Vagina, vagina. This is the famous I hate my vagina scene. So Lala, you've got, they're like let's put Lala who loves her vagina together with Ariana who hates her vagina and see what happens Yeah, so they have this scene and Ariana admits that she has a lot of insecurities about a vagina and Lala by the way Oh, I love when Lala is just like So true about herself. She goes, you know what? I want every woman to fucking know their worth No, no, that was sarcastic by the way.

Well, it was sarcasm, sorry. Lala is not. But I will say, I will say. I mean, her worth was high. But Lala, I will say, this was when Lala was like a national hero. I loved Lala in this phase. I didn't dislike Lala till way later in the game. I didn't dislike Lala till way later in the game.

I didn't dislike Lala until the Harvey Weinstein stuff. I shouldn't even give that man the credit. What was his name? Russell. No. Brand. Brand. Yeah, Brand. Where'd Russell come from?

Yeah. But this was the part where I really still liked Lala. Where Lala's like, I'm going on a fucking boat. I don't need this fucking job anymore. And they're like, oh really? Whores go on boats. That's what whores do. They go on boats in Italy. And she's like, what's your point, you fat bitch?

And I'm like, I love a proud hoe. This is back when I was like, yes, that's my girl. It's actually nice to see an episode where I'm like, that's my Lala, you know? I know, I think I had transitioned out of Lala at that point because now she was friends with everyone because everyone realized like, wait a second,

why are we making fights with the one person who has access to a private plane? So once she was in with everyone, she stopped being as interesting as opposed to the previous season when she's like, nice winter bodies. Yeah. So I guess someone hasn't been working on their summer bodies.

But yeah, I love her then. So this is where Ariana is opening up about how she was with an emotionally abusive guy who was really mean to her. And Lala's like, well, let me tell you what. Your pussy is fucking amazing, bitch. If I could wake up for breakfast every fucking morning and eat whatever I wanted, it would be your pussy.

It's amazing. I wanna have a parade for your pussy. If your pussy had legs, it could stand up and vote for itself, but it can't, so I'm voting for it. Vote for Ariana's pussy, yes! I was like, damn! Every... My mama taught me this. Yes! I was like, damn. My mama taught me this.

Every morning I wake up and I look in the mirrors and I look at every single part of my body and I compliment it. Like, hey, hands. You give good hand jobs. Hey, mouth. You give good blow jobs. Hey, armpits. You do some weird shit we're not going to

talk about. She's like, say you fucking Tom. And she's like, no. So why aren't you fucking Tom? She's like, did I just tell you about my vagina? She's like, do you hate your vagina or do you hate Tom? She's like, I'm not really sure, but I don't want Tom inside of me. So she's like, power to the pussy, batch. And that was that one. My little kitty takes him indeed like a chump. It was like her famous line that year. So now we go over to Vanderpump Dogs,

where Tom Schwartz is going to get, learn a thing or two about how to work in business and have a wife. He's like, dead man walking, dong, dong, dead man walking, little boy in trouble, little boy, Kevin was left at the airport. Dr. John says, shame, shame, shame. John Blizzard's like, just keep the dogs you adopt, bitch, I'm watching you.

So my person remembers Lucy Lucy. Apple juicy. So, we go. So, they're like, here we are for the dog fundraiser Met Gala. They're still doing that. I got a thing last week that's like, come to the Met Gala for dogs. Vanderpump dogs. Keeping dogs out of sandwiches since 2017.

So, Lisa's like, before we talk about cute dogs, you come here, mister. The way I've heard you treating women, how am I supposed to trust you to run a squirrel system? Well, I'm really good with handling peanuts, so I think they'll like that. And I got my shots, so I'm good with the rabies. No, not a real squirrel, you imbecile. Okay, well, mea culpa. You don't even know what that means.

I thought I fucked her one time when I was blacked out. Does that count? You're thinking of Dua Lipa, you idiot. So sh- Oh yeah, oh I like her. Listen here. I don't know what I'm saying guys. I need someone I can trust in Toma Toma. You're going to own.0075203 of this restaurante.

You need to show me that you're serious. Let me tell you something. Divorces are made of sloppy mistakes. I mean, so is Katie, really. All of us are. This is Vanderpump rules, so let's just be honest about that. You know, Schwartzy nearly woke up without a wife.

Well, next time it will be without a business partner, but instead a magician! Ha, magic! This is right. I'm taking your sin sin and I'm turning it into a nickel that just came from behind your head! Oh, magic! This was, I believe, the final season that before Lisa started wearing only magician outfits.

This is the most, by the way, I'm sorry, this recap is going to be 20 hours, especially to the husbands. we can't help it. This is an important episode. Go pee if you got to we don't care we know it's long but we have to these old Vanderpump rules I mean this was the season where Lisa wore magicians outfits all season and this whole season of recaps is just Little Mermaid fanfic with Lisa being the octopus for Little Mermaid. Like, who really are going to cheat on your wife? You poor unfortunate son. You poor unfortunate goat cheese balls.

Sina combing her hair with a fork. She's still doing that. Yeah, I mean, it is hilarious. Like, Lisa Vanderpump was like, used to be the most glamorous person. The fact that, like, in one season, she went from being the most glamorous to wearing magician outfits

and installing oversized pendulums into a bar is like an amazing turn for me. I really love that. So she lectures him, and then we go over to Jackson Brittany's apartment, and we-ho, okay? So Brittany's like, I'll really, Sheena, Sheena, we're gonna get ready for the party.

I'm so glad to have my girlfriends here to get ready for a party. She's like, nah. And Kristen's like, yeah, we're here to help. Yeah, hey. Even models can use glue guns sometimes, girlfriend. Hey, seriously, seriously, while you're pouring those gummies into a bowl,

I gotta tell you something, okay? Yeah, I'll see you with Rob. Okay, so. bowl, I gotta tell you something, okay? It has to do with Rob. Okay, so... Uh, yeah. He is gonna ask me to marry him. Very soon. Not really sure of the date, but save it anyway. Just save dates. Alright, well, the night of the Vanderpump Dogs opening, we all went to El Carmen afterwards. But then, like, some of us went to, like, he went to, like, Toca Madera. Toca Madera?

Yeah, Toca Madera. And he kissed some girl, just he kissed some chick, like, oh, what's this? Yeah. Oh, ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha before my life. Well, Shayna, I just want you to hear it before you heard it from somewhere else, because if you hear it here, that's better than hearing it over there. What if you heard it over there? You wouldn't be all alone, but here you're with us. I'm with Christian. Shayna, it's really important that when you find out that your man's a piece of shit, that your friends tell you and warn you about us, that way you can stay with them for the next eight years of your life, okay? Yeah, but like, it's really funny timing that like Schwartz cheats and Jax cheats and now Rob cheats, really? Rob has marble countertops. People like that don't cheat. And now you're saying he went up and he kissed somebody? I mean he doesn't even

kiss me, so why would he cheat? Yeah, every time he touches me he's like, eww, and it's like we laugh. It's so funny. Girl! He's like not a kisser, like or a talker. One of his favorite jokes is that like when we're walking into a house together he slams the door in my face and then calls the police. It's so funny Who would even say that Rob kisses people that is crazy and like Katie's just oh, yeah Of course, it's Katie saying it. She's jealous So she's like yeah, you know what I don't think there's another world but another word besides cut fitness to describe Katie You're doing that thing, okay?

You're doing that fake thing right now. You're doing that thing where you're like fidgeting with your nails, and you're like, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. I know you are, Sheena. My boyfriend's amazing and he's gonna marry me. I possibly have his baby inside of me right now. His baby is like hanging a TV inside of my room right now.

She literally goes, I just think it's convenience that now like the rumors are starting and I have an amazing boyfriend who I've known for like 11 years and he would never do that and I appreciate this and we've dropped it and we're talking about cake pops now. We are talking about cake pops. So Kristen's doing her like oh my friend is just delusional but this is how it looks on Kristen. Oh, good girl. Oh, good girl.

Good girl. So then we go to Schwartz's and they're getting ready for the party and he's like, hey, Baba, I love you so much. Oh, bye, Shots. Bye. I used to like you, Shots. We used to be good friends. But then I decided my wife was better. So I'm not going to have any of you anymore. Katie, did you hear that? Breaking up with you shots. Bye bye. Love you. Bye bye.

So we go over to the housewarming party and people are arriving. Peter's dancing so we get that. Hey. Oh, fellow children. I brought some pans. Hey, I just watched Million Dollar Baby. Didn't feature any millions or any babies. Don't get it. I panned that movie.

Ha. So Brittany's like, everybody, everybody, everybody, y'all got to drink the jello shot, okay? Jello shot. So, they're like doing the jello shots and Kristen's like, oh my God, I can't even do this jello shot, like my tongue's too short. So then she's like a bird who can't see right in front of their nose for some reason. Yeah. Like if you put your treat right in front of your dog's nose and they're like, what the

fuck? You have to like, I have to get Bueller by the side, you know? If she sees it right there, she's like... So then, Sheena's like taking selfies, of course, and Jackson's like, oh my god, Sheena, I mean, look, she's on her fucking cell phone again. I mean, how many selfie snapshots do you need to have taken one day? I mean, the only way that she would know if Rob was cheating is if he did it behind her in one of her selfies. I'm right.

She's so self-involved. So as the guy who has spent all of this season of the Valley being like, what about me? What about me? What about what I'm going through? So Sheena is over talking to Stassi because Stassi's there like, oh God, what the fuck? This place smells. I hit everybody here. It's love. It's fucking WeHo fire. Come WeHo. Start it all on fire. Fucking hate this. So Sheena comes over saying, hi Stassi, how are you on fire. Fucking hate this life. So Sheena comes over saying, hi Sassy, how are you? She's like wishing I was dead, Sheena, how are you?

And Sheena's like, I'm so good. Like, Rob is about to propose to me like any second now. Like, it's literally crazy. Like, I'm tearing around a tiny blow up pillow in my purse because he really doesn't like getting down on his knees. It really hurts him. So I just want to make sure he's comfortable when he does it yeah there's like all these rumors about like talk about our and I'm just like stop talking

about talking about era we all know he never even goes to talk about era and if he does go there's not gonna kiss anyone at dark on their ass so I please with the talk on there enough with the dark one era Stassi's like I don't even know you we're not friends Stassi's like sheena was the only person to support me while these other bitches bullied me for one night, so I had to be nice to her. For an hour. That hour is up.

I have an app on my phone that counts the hours since the hour that I had to be nice to this bitch. And Sheena is still prattling on. She's like, it took me like years to get over Shay. I'm like, didn't you break up with Shay last year? But that's fine. It took me like years to get over Shay. I'm like, didn't you break up with Shay last year? But that's fine. It took me like years to get over Shay. And the first month, I was just like so sad. And now I do like wanna have a house with Rob. And like right now I go to his place

and he has like this dog and the dog comes over to me and like kisses me on the cheek. I'm like, oh my God, you kissed me, but Rob doesn't, that's so funny. Talk about her. But don't worry, at least there's still some happy couples. We see Schwartz and Katie walking around and Schwartz is like, whoa, you've got wavy hair Katie! Whoa hey Ring Ring, what? Farrah Fawcett, hey Farrah Fawcett

wants her hair back! I don't even know who that is but she sounds disgusting. So then, oh this is a great moment. Over in the corner we hear a boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom fat sluts all around the town walking off the sidewalk walking down the sidewalk fat sluts getting bringing me down I don't want to see them because they're all stupid dating old men fat old men get away from me you're just a stupid boy girl boy you're all dumb all fat stupid and ugly ugly and fat and slutty stupid. I hate you all. I'm just a good boy Wiggy wiggy

Oh my god James it's sand of all is providing the beat and James is Freestyling. And just the Sandavol being the one, he's like... So let me go to Jax's den and he's talking to Carter and he's like, I'm not trying to have an argument with Brittany tonight, dude, but it seems like it's coming. I don't know what it is. She gave me a jello shot, did a shot skew with me, but all the pins are set up. All the pins, they're all coming to get me, bro. They're all coming.

Pfft. Carter's like, well, you're in a bad blaze. He's like, yeah, man, I really am. It's just like, I don't know, it's just like, it's really so deep rooted. It's like, you know, if a fucking squirrel walked up to me with a pussy, I probably would have fucked it. Actually, come to think of it, I did.

I probably should tell her that. So Brittany here is in shock. What are y'all talking about in here? What are y'all talking about? Talk about fucking squirrels, theoretically. Well, you need to talk to me about fucking squirrels, Jax. Why are you talking to me about fucking squirrels? Why are you talking to some person

that don't nobody know? I'm sorry, person. I'm just trying to vent to Carter. Like, sometimes a dude just wants a fucking squirrel. I'm just trying to vent a card or like sometimes a dude One day Oscar goes to Britain Chicken wing you said your ass any dog. I just want to fuck a squirrel. I just want to fuck a squirrel What about what I'm going through I I just want to fuck a squirrel. They're hot. They're the hottest rodents So Lala is hearing all this and she's like Arianna's can I go kick his fucking ass yet? I'm not even gonna do with my hands. I'm gonna do with my pussy

My pussy's gonna beat the shit out of that. Wait, hold on one second. Hey pussy I forgot to tell you you're really good at beating the shit out of fuck boys So Kristen Kristen's like hey, Brittany. Okay, hey, Brittany, you okay? Want something to drink? Come on. So, I'm like, let's do a shot. Here, I'll hold the shot up for you.

Okay. All right, Brittany, here comes your shot. Hi. Hi. Oh, it's like I'm surfing, but on dry land. So we go out to the balcony and James and Ariana are talking to Lala. And Ariana's like, oh my god, Kristen said that she heard Jacks yelling. And Lala's like, not only did he fucking do what he did with Faith, there's fucking audio.

There's audio on that fucking phone. Faith recorded that shit. For a while we thought all Faith did was come in and take Tom and Tom's sperm-covered couch from their shitty apartment. But Faith came up to fucking play and if we're not going to give her any scenes, she's got voice notes on her fucking iPhone. So just for those who don't remember the scandal, Jax had sex with Faith while she was tending to an older lady. Yeah, Faith was like a nurse. She was like a home nurse.

She was like a senior citizen. And there was like a hundred year old lady dying in the bed and Jax came over and they just fucked right in front of this lady. Just fucked in front of this lady. Just fucked. In front of the senior citizen. And I love that Faith does not give a fuck about her jobs.

Like it's funny because you know she has lawsuits against Bravo for all of this basically. All these years later she's got, well not all of this, there's a lot that happened, but she's got all of this like workplace environment lawsuit stuff going on with Bravo and it's just so funny going back to this episode where her workplace environment, lawsuits, stuff going on with Bravo. And it's just so funny going back to this episode where her workplace environment was literally fucking jacks in front of a hundred year old guy. I know. So Lala's talking about this recording

that yes, Faith recorded like a poisecoital conversation or maybe coital or precoital or allcoital. Coital, coital, squirtcoital. It was squirtcoital. It was all the omni-coital conversation. It was curdle squirt coital. Coital, coital. Squirt coital. It was squirt coital. It was all the omni-coital conversation. It was curdle, squirt, coital. So she said there like, Brandy, Brandy, we have to talk to you. She's like, what do you want?

Y'all doing the shots? Y'all doing the shots? Anybody heard about Jack's fucking a squirrel? Nobody? Do I tell her? Do I tell her? OK, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

Should I tell her? Arianna, you want to tell her? You haven't done anything in this episode, OK? You want to do it? Arianna's like, oh, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Should I tell her, Ariana, you want to tell her? You haven't done anything in this episode, okay? You want to do it? Ariana's like, oh, I don't want to ruin her night. Can't do this, I'm too good of a person. Sabrina's like, just tell me y'all. Please just tell me, please.

And Lala's like, we have a voice note from this. Where she's fucking Jax, it's on a voice note. You better, you better you better what you better what about it give that to me give that to me right now I'm put this on the Bluetooth speakers y'all know my boyfriend squirrel fucker you? Well, let's check out his single face fucker. Let's check it out. Boop. Boop. Boop. Boop.

Hold on, I can get it. Just give me a second. Give me a second. It's okay. This happens to people sometimes. Do I feel a draft? Shut up. Everything's okay in here. Just hurry. Get it up. I don't have that much time. Just get it. I'm trying draft? Shut up. Everything's okay in here. Just hurry, get it up. I don't have that much time. Just get it.

I'm trying. I'm trying. Did someone put on CBS mat logs a booster? God damn it. Let me just go turn on the TV for her. Hold on one second. Yeah, take your time. I need to get this fucking thing.

It's not you. It's not me either. It's that whole fucking lady. Who has got the fates on my mat logs? I don't get it no more. Oh God, I'm hard. Get back in here. Get back in here. Is that Angela? Angela? Angela? It's on my man logs, I don't get it no more. Do do do do do do do do do do do. Oh God, I'm hard.

Get back in here. Get back in here. Ah, is that Angela Lamsbury? God damn, I'd fuck her. Boom boom boom boom boom boom. Hey, this is earthquake. And scene. So there's some audio, so Brittany listens to it.

She's like, I never trusted that murder she wrote, bitch. Jax, Jax, you fucking piece of shit is what you are. You better rot in hell. Rot in hell, Jax. You better rot in hell. Rot in hell. Rot in hell, Jax.

Rot in hell. Rot in hell, Jax. Rot in hell. And that brings us to the end of Fandapump Rules! Thank you so much, Jalis, for coming out tonight. We love you and we'll see you next time! We love you guys! Bye! to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. It's always a party on Alison Block. Our way is the Amber way. It's the Foster and the Furious.

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Get us 10 ccs of Betsy MD. We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva. Let's get real with Kaitlyn O'Neil. Don't get salty with Christine Pepper. Can't have a meal without the Emily sides. Let's go into the woods with Guy Tubs. It's our queen, it's Queen Laifah. Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. Hail the corkmaster, the master of the cork, Jennifer Corcoran.

We got our wish, it's Jen Plish! She's not harsh, she's Jill Hirsch! Knock knock knocking on Katie Mannock's door! My favorite Murdo, Karen McMurdo! We love him madly, it's Kyle Podshadley! In the study with a candlestick, it's Leslie Peacock! We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder-Baron! She's a whiz, it's Liz Sarthi!

Always killing it, it's Lola Alcolani. The incredible, edible Matthews Sisters. She eases our woes, it's Melissa St. Rose. There's a chance of meatballs, it's Rebecca Cloud. She's the queen bee, it's Sarah Lemke. We cannot tell a lie, it's Sarah Talofsun. Shannon, out of a cannon, Anthony. Please don't stop, it's Solian Pop. Let's take off with Tamla plane It's always a good time when you're wasting time with Bravo. She ain't no shrinking violet Couture We love you guys If you like watch what crappens you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple

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