Watch What Crappens - #293: Terrifying Head Cases

Episode Date: May 18, 2016

Timestamps below! This episode centers around head issues. The Real Housewives of Dallas top their hat drama by ripping apart a terrified tall person in a horrifying headpiece. Let’s pray. Then we’ll head to Shahs of Sunset to talk about sperm. When we’re about to finish, we’ll pull out. How’s that for some Southern Charm? Timestamps: 0:00 Opening Chatter and Crappens Mailbag: WWE and Cedric the Leech’s book 25:35 Celine Dion Texture Ad 28:40 RHOD: Terrified Marie gets confronted by women with God on their side. 1:14:25 Shahs of Sunset: Sperm, cat parties, Jessica leaves 1:36:45 Clear the Flem: Caroline Fleming’s Instagram 1:40:15 Southern Charm: Old dudes trying really hard to convince the world they can still get erections. -- Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com -- See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins try texture for free right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins that's texture.com slash crappins Watch what happens when there's so much that happens.

Watch what happens when there's so much that happens. Watch what happens would like to thank its premium subscribers, Cassie Bugalski and Christy Doherty. We love you girls hello and welcome to the watch what crappens podcast the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on the old brava i'm ronnie carom from trash talk tv and i'm with the gorgeous talented lovely and new homed ben mantelkast of the bsideblog.com and the Banter Blender podcast. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie.

How's it going? So good. What a lovely Tuesday. We just did a really fun bonus episode about, I mean, honestly, it was like bike lanes and lamps. And suction cups. And suction. We did talk Bravo gossip.

We actually did talk a lot of Bravo gossip. We talked pop culture gossip. We talked about Sinead O'Connor going missing. We talked about, we covered everything. And Celine Dion, your father went up. He is up. Do you wonder where your daddy is? He is up.

Like the movie. Thanks, Celine. It was a really fun, sorry, I was going to say it was a really fun bonus episode. It went for, I think, about an hour and 20 minutes. So it's a full-on podcast episode. Yeah. And if you want that, go over to patrion.com slash watch what crap ends and become a premium

subscriber. And we would also like to thank our premium subscribers as usual. And, uh, um, um, what was I going to say? Oh,

that's patrion.com slash watch what crap ends. Go to facebook.com slash watch what crap ends to talk with other listeners throughout the week in our live show threads and to find all of our links just go over to watch what crappens.com they're all there we have just added our snapchat yes links and names because now i yeah that shit's amazing now i gotta like up my snapchat game because i really don't go on it very much. Right now the Snapchat is for Bendelker, which is like just me, my Snapchat. I don't know. Should I do a B-side blog so that way it's consistent with my other handles?

I don't know. I don't feel like it. I think you should do a Ben Mandelker. Well, it's free. Just send me. But it says Ben Mandelker. It's just that the handle, the actual handle is Bendelker. Oh, yeah. Change it to something. I don't't know one or the other benjamunius um mine is ronnie carom all one word i'm loving that i'm making myself i'm face swapping with housewives and then yeah

that's funny i put myself on the game of thrones as um calise and then i'm about to do a good wife one i'm loving this shit it's amazing you did that through snapchat the the little video well i oh this is how bad it's getting i took the video on snapchat against my green screen because my closet is painted like a green screen so i could make videos in there by the way my closet is like a shoebox so i'm squatting on the floor and um i shot it on the snapchat thing so I could draw blonde hair on myself. And then I took it in the final cut. So it's actually posted on Instagram.

I tried to do a face swap with Ramona Singer on Snapchat and Snapchat refused to acknowledge that the picture of Ramona that I downloaded, that it's a human face. So I just would not offer it up as like, do you want to swap with this face? It just would not offer it up as like do you want to swap with this face it just would not that is hilarious i was trying to do one of the apes from tour group and it wouldn't let me so i'm glad that ramona has the same problem i actually already did a ramona because i'm posting it for the show thread tomorrow well your your face swap with bethany is crazy because that's it's like you look i mean it looks like a real human being that one is creepy that one really does look like i tried doing one as shep from southern charm that didn't work well yeah i did one as reza um just to still imagine that was scary as hell it looked actually

like it just looked like reza so i'm like uh if i face off. Well, yeah, I was wearing a suit because I was at a wedding. So what better time to do a Reza face swap than when I'm at a wedding? In honor of Adam, that's so Persian. They need to do a broach swap so you can have an octopus broach. That's Persian. You did it like a white Snapchat. Oh, yes. So anyway.

Yeah, that's all that fun stuff playing on the internet i mean tv has been so good reality these shows that we're watching have been really fun but real tv has been amazing too baits motel just finished their season and i'm only mentioning it on a bravo show because i bitched about how stupid that show was and then i binge watched it all last week and wow they sure got it together this season so good I can't wait to watch TV again like I was telling you off the air I just I need my TV is finally up on the wall

my direct TV receiver is plugged in and receiving images but I don't have an HDMI cable that goes from TV to receiver that's long enough and that's the last piece of the puzzle and once that's in then I can put my speakers up on the wall. I can be a human being again. I can watch TV. I can watch...

There goes the mommyhood. Oh, I can't wait. I'm waiting for you to binge on that show. Yes, I am going to binge so hard on it. It's pretty good. I'll watch one episode at least. Okay, so let's get to our bravy braves. Bravy braves? Yeah, what do you want to talk about first? Let's do the mails. Let's do the mailbag. Vamp, vamp, vamp let's get to our bravy braves. Bravy braves? Yeah, what do you want to talk about first?

Let's do the mails. Let's do the mailbag. Vamp, vamp, vamp while I get the Krappen's mailbag theme music. Vamp, vamp, vamp. Mailbag. It's a Southern charm mailbag thing. Vamp, vamp, vamp. Vamp, vamp, vamp.

Mailbag. Mailbag. There could not have been a more annoying way to introduce the Krappensnail bag than what we just did. We're like... By the way, I practiced Stephanie's laugh from Dallas today. And I'm really hoping that it sticks for when we recap it. Because I really think I've got a good take on her laugh. I think it was like... Is that about right?

Alright, everyone's tuning out. Dribbs, no, stay, stay, stop hitting. Fast forward 15 seconds. Okay. Let's see. I have not pre-read any of these, so why don't we just start with randomly Michael Horn, one of our Krappens mailbags. By the way, if you want to submit to the Krappens mailbag, just go to Patreon. That's how you do it.

And it's the $5 tier. So if you're wondering how to get involved, that's how you do it. So Michael Horn says, So Sheena's birthday celebration was a couple weeks ago, and for the first time in four years, it wasn't filmed. The entire cast was together minus Tom and Ariana and Jackson and Brittany since they were all at the Kentucky Derby. What do you guys think the party was like?

And most importantly, how many Prime cocktails did Sheena order? Well, I think we know the answer to that one. I think I'm going to just try one of each of the Prime cocktails. Now just add the sound of skee-ball machines spitting out tickets in the background, and there, you've got a birthday party. Yeah. I think that the way it worked is, first of all, I feel like there was, like, a little photo booth, you know? But the difference is, instead of the little photos, like, popping off in a small printer next to it, is instead of the little photos popping off in a small printer next

to it, I think it was that there was this automated photo-to-canvas system and by the end of the party, the entire space was populated with giant photos of Sheena. She filled up an entire Chuck E. Cheese of canvas-to-prints of herself looking away

from you, whoever she was taking the picture with, just like she does with Shay. She's like, look at our wedding picture when I'm not looking at shay and then even hanging on the living room walls it's like looking over shay not no one ever sees shay poor thing she never sees him or in her canvas all the guests leave sad they're just sad and on drugs now they're on painkillers it's like one of those paintings you pass that they're always looking at you. She knows, like you go into her house, anywhere she stands, she's looking at herself. But Shay is like the reverse.

It's like any painting not looking at Shay. Shay's eyeballs are looking up. They're always looking a different direction. Look at me, Shay. You can't even look at me. Wait a second. How did that picture of Abraham Lincoln look away from me? She knows that you caught me.

The bar basically has all the prime cocktails. And then there's like a water jug for if you want to be boring and sober. Says, do you want to be boring and sober? Drink from the water jug. I hope wherever that birthday was, there was no glass. I can't believe they broke glass on my birthday. And my foot. I'm going to go to the hospital on my birthday.

Everyone gets a complimentary halter top. Aunt Bea. Aunt Bea's in charge of party favors. She just, whatever you come in, she just cuts it in half. And all the music is always wrong because the dj was found off of instagram i didn't even want to hear this song on my birthday the only reason i came to chucky cheese is because there wasn't a pizza oven here for

james to stand in front of and then the mayor of azusa comes by and gives her a key to the city which is really just a giant pizookie. It's just a giant cookie key. It's a giant cookie key that only opens the Chuck E. Cheese. For 30 minutes. If you stand on the dumpster, you can see the whole city. Oh, thanks, Mayor! Thanks, Mayor.

The mayor of Sousa came to my birthday party, so it's kind of a big deal. We were going to have this at Mixology, but they wouldn't let the mayor of Azusa in. Mixology couldn't host the party this year because they rented out half the space to make a new Buca di Peppo. So, I can't believe that would happen on my birthday year. Oh, Buca di Peppo. Right when you thought the Grove couldn't get shittier. And it's true, by the way.

Like, half of that restaurant is now Buco di Peppo. Yeah. In case anyone was really concerned. And it's also true that the world does not need any more of Buco di Peppo. They're like, let's have some shitty Italian food, but every room has a different kind of wallpaper. Let's get crazy! Hey, we have a new subscriber, Benjamin Cohen, and he says,

now that I'm a $5 subscriber, I want to ask about how Housewives has become a lot like professional wrestling in terms of storyline. Ben, since you work for the WWE, do you see the show as kayfabe while the off TV antics are the shoot part of the story?

For instance, Phaedra is one person on Atlanta, but a completely different one off-camera. We'll never see her or see any part of her lawsuit against Angela Stanton. Bravo is trying to turn LVP heel, but trying to, I don't know, I think there was a typo, but the fans won't accept it. let me know what you guys think so i guess the question is well i think that in wwe people um smash chairs over each other's heads to you know make a point and on the housewives before the season starts they get chairs smashed over their face so they can get them rearranged to be ready for the new season yeah i think actually benjamin you actually you hit on something that i've said a lot i used to say it a lot when the hills was on

remember when the hills was on everyone was like it's so staged it's so staged i can't believe it it's so staged it's like well yeah no shit sherlock it is staged but just go with it have fun i would always say it's just like professional wrestling you know it's not real. It's like, well, yeah, no shit, Sherlock. It is staged. But just go with it. Have fun. I always say it's just like professional wrestling. You know it's not real, but it's fun to see it all shake out. So you know what? So I agree. It is like wrestling. It was not a lot like my experience when I worked at the WWE in that, you know, I didn't see people go flying through the air all the time.

But I do think, yeah, you only get to see one part. I mean, remember there was the New Jersey in Dominican Republic. There was a giant brawl with Tree and the Manzo sons and everything. Never made it to air even once. So we only get part of it. Yeah, but it is a big fake storyline that they just throw people out there for you to boo and hiss at or yay like that's a nice one so we all say yay and then that's a mean one so we all say boo and then we don't even know why we're doing it we just picked a side and we're all such suckers us included you know like this recent um this

recent season of uh beverly hills i think was the best example of that because everyone's like she's manipulative she's manipulative she's manipulative and then no one really i mean it even took us i think months of watching this show before we finally asked ourselves but why like what's she manipulating like nobody even asked that and it even took us forever we talk about this shit for hours a week but people are still like they're fighting to the death they're like how could you like her she's manipulative what did she manipulate and it's the same thing we just boo and hiss you know you you cheer for your team yeah i i agree you can't get too wrapped up you should get wrapped up just enough to be wrapped up uh but not enough

to actually be uh circulating online petitions that's what i say that's the line you know get wrapped up to get heated or to get excited or to be out getting to be drunk at a bar and like blabbing about it to someone in someone's face until they ever know what to do but um i think that's that's and that's fun it's fun to take a side on something right like it's fun to get wrapped up like it's fun when it's in the ring but you can't be showing up to like supermarkets where someone is selling their wine or something and then tell them off that's when it's officially gotten too scary and you just need to stay home keep it in the ring keep it in the ring exactly it's like when i went to new orleans two years ago wrestlemania was happening down there and like there were people walking around on the street

with like full-on like belts, like fan title belts. And I was like, see, this is too far. I actually never make fun of – I don't make fun of anyone who's a wrestling fan because, again, I work there. And for a moment there, I was like a really big WWE fan. I get it. I understand why it's so fun and why you can get drawn into it. That's so fun and why you can get like drawn into it. But what I do think is strange is if you're walking around with like a title belt over your shoulder as if you actually were a wrestler stepping into the crawfish place. Like that's strange.

So there's a line. There's always a line. I feel like wrestlers always act so manly, but they all shave their bodies. I think that's great. That's like my favorite. That's my favorite juxtaposition. You know, they're like, I'm like, you just shaved your neck. Shut up.

Those wrestlers are like the ones that I met, which was admittedly not a lot, were so nice. It's so funny because there were these – where I worked, there was a practice ring. And so I would be sitting there moving beta max tapes from here to there and meanwhile they're wrestlers in this in this practice ring bouncing around doing flips pinning each other to the ground all this like banging and all this noise and they were all tatted up and big and it looked really scary and they're you know sort of celebrities and everything and i was really scared i was just a little intern and i remember walking by one once and i was like hi and he goes hi how are you i was like i'm fine thanks that's so wonderful to hear have a great day i was like hi and he goes hi how are you i was like i'm fine thanks that's

so wonderful to hear have a great day i was like oh my god he's so nice yeah they have to they have to rehearse because if one actually gets hit in the face with the chair they're gonna be like girl no well i think that they really are they're really i believe if i remember correctly they're really told to um you know they they have to be really good with fans. That's a really important part of being part of that organization. And so even if they're acting crazy and growly and angry in the ring, they are – they're really trained to treat everyone with respect. And you see – I saw it. I was an intern.

I saw it. I saw it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hey, you just spit tobacco too in my face we'll have a good day it's been a better day for knowing you that's also another difference between real housewives and wrestlers is that the wrestlers treat people with respect and the real housewives are like this party's full of twitter people yeah the real housewives are like uh you're all fat

okay the end this is i'm done with this instagram war oh you're so funny ronnie um okay next is from your friendly vegan what the hell ever happened to cedric from real houses at beverly hills bring him and brandy back oh sound like a friendly vegan you don't sound very friendly at all would you be i mean that girl's been a vegan long enough to have that name that's a good name to get on twitter the friendly vegan you know people were trying that she's had that shit forever that girl hasn't had meat in a long time vegans are very healthy i would imagine that they'd go off at any moment she must have a great body i see a lot of vegans over at the whole foods and i am not fucking with any of those dodo birds. They'll beat the crap out of you right there. They really will.

And then they'll shame you. We've talked to my friendly vegan or your friendly vegan or whatever on Twitter a lot. And the first thing I ever said to her, I was like, oh, my God, you're so pretty. How do you keep your hair from being so dry? That's all I think about. I've like made I'm such a text. I've made being a vegan like you'll die. What are you going to do without a hamburger?

Your hair's all going to fall out. So whatever happened to Cedric from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? I think he is back in Paris putting a little blanket in a phone booth. Because Lord knows no one uses phone booths anymore. So he's back in his childhood home of a phone booth. He's just waiting for some random old rich lady to pass and be like, my mother is a dead whore. It's like, shut up.

He has white mime makeup on, little black tears coming down his eyes. But he can't mime anything. He's just walking around in a thong. He doesn't even know how to make a box. He can't even go down the escalator properly. People are like, that escalator, is that a staircase from escalator it is boss honey why is that mime just marching in place i'm going down the stairs shouldn't you not be talking damn it i was gonna mime blackmail

someone he's all painting his face black and delivering mail. He's so stupid. Like, honey, that mime. I think he's miming that he has something on us and that he's threatening to tell the world. Cedric is so stupid. Okay, Cedric is the perfect example of wasting your last years of hotness. Because that guy was at peak hotness when he was on Beverly Hills. Like, mid to late 30s works out

every day he'd had some botox and some work done on his face but you know not too much that children are horrified and he could have become i think super famous and i don't know maybe had a gay spinoff show like hey do you want a a gay friend do you want to pay for a gay friend he'd be like hello darling and then he could be funny with the people but no he wasted it now he's just off somewhere you know trying to pick his face up off the floor and get on tv again bless his heart i think he'll go into porn at some point i think or is it too late too late oh well i mean like a lot of porn but i don't do you think he has a twitter that would be great yeah start with twitter then worry about porn porn is not an easy industry i mean there's a lot of people

trying to get in that we live in hollywood we see them all over the place like what do you do i'm gonna you know i'm an adult film i'm here to be in the adult film industry like it's just like a new thing that you have some new job new. They're going to have a reality show for that shit soon. Well, I am happy to announce that Cedric does have a Twitter account. It's at Ced, C-E-D-R-H-W-O-B-H. So he is still capitalizing off of his real, I guess, I don't know what the W is for, but he still has the, oh yeah, it's Real Housewives. I'm like, what's the W for? So he doesn't even have the handle

proper, but it's Cedric with Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Still capitalizing off of that. How is he going to spell the tag right when he can't spell his name right? Yeah, exactly. He posted something as recently as May 9thth so what does it say

um it says just posted a photo and that's a link to instagram well there you go and it's an image of him with someone who looks sort of like kim richards but it's not i'm so afraid to see who it is. It's like Oscar the Grouch. I think it's She does look like that when she gets mad though. Kim. Get away from the trash can, okay? How come that bird is sleeping while he's

sitting up? That's dangerous. Her name is Lady V. So that's that. Basically, his Twitter feed is just his Instagram feed. Whatever happened to Cedric? Still, nobody cares. On March 17th,

he released a book on Amazon.com.uk. Who was he holding it for? The book I'm blackmailing your book Lisa Whatever happened to Crab and Squirts? Because that would be a good one Okay so the book is called The Real Permanent Houseguest

of Beverly Hills Autobiography But you're not a permanent houseguest You can't even get a table at Sir, dude. The definition of lack of permanence. The non-permanent, permanent, non-house lab. The first review, the headline is one star, and then this is what the review says. Awful. I mean, at least get somebody you know to get on the Amazon.

Geez. Don't you have any supportive friends? You could be like, I've got a book on the Amazon. Like, no. You're just going to let everybody be a stranger? Come on. Do you want to hear what the product description is? Yes, please.

Okay. What do you do when you have been handed the worst possible hand from birth? What do you do when Lady Luck seems to never shine upon you? What do you turn to when you are constantly betrayed by those closest to you? Forget what you may have heard or what you may have read about Cedric Martinez from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Cedric's story will inspire those that feel hard done while also enlightening others by revealing the other side of the coin. But most of all, it will leave you championing him.

Despite the odds being against him from the beginning, Cedric managed to live through some incredible and horrific situations. And what's more impressive, all of this without ever losing his smile. His story will make you feel sad. It will make you feel happy. But most of all, it will make you feel not only will you be hooked from the first page, but the last will leave you wanting more. If you buy this book

in Braille, you can wipe your ass with it and exfoliate it at the same time. If you're describing in your book, if you're describing yourself as constantly betrayed, if you find yourself constantly betrayed, it's you. Yeah, it's you. By the way, length, 414 pages. Is it written in large-sized text?

We have to get a copy of this. I feel like that's just the book of Les Mis. Oh, by the way,'s only Available on Kindle My mother was Patti LuPone The original hooker In Les Miserables She slept by a dumpster And then was killed by the Phantom of the Opera

Okay you're just making this shit up now Cedric Whatever happened to phone booths Then I was adopted by a big bold man But Carol Burnett wouldn't let me go. Like, that's Annie now. Come on. Everything seemed to be turning around until I discovered that my favorite plant was eating people, including my boss. Stupid Cedric.

No one cares, Cedric. Cedric, the lack of entertainer cedric the never entertaining the constantly betrayed my goodness we have to get a kindle version of that or we got to get some copy we have to read passages of that that will be finally that makes sense kindle does do you have a kindle on fire i have a ipad and um i just put the kindle app on there now i'm doing that one where you get books where you subscribe to it it's like ten dollars a month scribbed it's called you subscribe to it and it's like the netflix for

reading which i guess should be a segue into an ad But why don't we just segue into that right now? Let's do it. You know what else you can binge read? By the way, I don't read quickly enough to justify that $10 on the books thing because I'm stupid. I'm like, I need to read that chapter again. But I do binge read my magazines. Yes, sirree. For an example, we were talking about Celine Dion earlier,

and she was comparing. She's on the cover today of People magazine, and she was talking about when Rene passed, how I talked to the children about it. I said, do you remember the movie Up? This is your daddy. He went up. Did he go down?

No, he went up and up. And then do your feet go down or do they go up? Is he in the kitchen? No. Is he in the living room? No. Is he in the bedroom? No.

He's up. Texture has completely reimagined magazines, giving you the articles and stories Rene really want, all in one place, plus interactive features, videos, and recommendations just for you. Yes, oui interactive features, videos, and recommendations just for you. Yes, oui, oui. The Texture app lets you tap into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your smartphone or tablet. If you ask me to.

Breeze through the hundreds of your favorite magazines, including back issues, and pick the articles that interest you the most. Yeah, Texture has made it easy to find articles you care about. I don't just get to read People magazine or New Yorker magazine. The Texture editorial team recommends content for me every day.

Plus I can dive deeper with personalized collections. Sign up for Texture right now and gain insider access to all the content from the world's best publications. Yes, Texture can move mountains like love. The best part, Texture is offering my listeners a free trial right now

when you go to texture.com slash crappins. You'll gain immediate entry to all the top magazines that is the most up you can go Including back issues and bonus video content Where does my texture beat now? I want to know Start binge reading for free right now When you go to texture.com slash crappins

That's texture.com slash crappins Texture.com slash crapons. Texture.com slash crapons. Yeah. Far. Wherever you are. My texture will go on. I'm up. Up, up, up, up, up, up.

God bless. God bless that lady. God bless that wonderful woman. She is great. And that's the Krappens mailbag With a little text read at the end It's like you got some direct mail In the Krappens mailbag What do you want to talk about first?

What a big day We've got The Real Housewives of Dalles We've got Shazza's Sunset And we've got that other one. Southern Sham. Southern Sham. We've got Southern Sham as well. None of them are from Melbourne, but why not intro them that way anyway?

Why not talk about them as if they're from the south of Melbourne? Insignificant ass. What do you want to talk about out of there? Let's start with Dals. Yeah, Dals was okay this week. It wasn't great, but it was good. How do you want to talk about out of there? Let's start with Dallas. Dallas? Yeah, Dallas was okay this week. It wasn't great, but it was good. How dare you, sir? How dare you?

Travel spoils me rotten, but it's not a free ride. That's crazy that we are really in sync. You know how there are certain images on ye olde internet that are just there to make you feel really sad about things? I don't know. This is a horrible one, but it's the first one I can think of. Like the starving child with the flag on his face or whatever. And then they're like, get your car fixed.

And you're like, what does this have to do with anything? I think they should replace all of those with stupid Brandy just standing there watching her husband ignore her while she holds her stupid tiny white dog in the kitchen. I know. My note for the Brandy scene was just Brandy is sad. It's like, so, you know, so I'm going to take the kids to school. Okay. I think I might get some gas later.

Okay. So that's it basically okay pretty much that's her that's every scene she's saying oh well my husband's not home and i'm real sad look i'm making spaghetti yeah oh just fucking kill me in the face i I know. At least Stephanie is a little more chipper. She's a little chipper. I believe the show opened with Stephanie announcing plans to redecorate one of her son's rooms and talking about how her husband, Trevor, Trevor or Travis, has terrible taste, including two samurai warrior statues on the front lawn like yes well we've talked about these stupid statues because we mentioned how most of the houses have

like a statue statues of horses or statues of cows who like there's more statues of horses so i'm noticing everyone's statues because that is very very tex. No matter what part you're in, every rich person has a bronze statue of something. And there's these two samurai warriors. So today we got the answer. Why are they there? Yes. Because they're Gale and Oprah. Yeah.

Which I liked. I like that Stephanie named them Gale and Oprah. So they invited in. There's a decorator who came in this this decorator with a wig this poor lady she came in and um they they have plans to do something fabulous to this room and um uh the husband had a real he had a real issue with the notion of carpet on carpet or rug on rug that was that was a tough thing for him to to to crack his head around well it was difficult you know when you see a guy that works out that much

like he's huge he's got huge muscles and i think i don't know if he's spray tanned or just angry and red i don't know what his deal is but he looks really good and he wears these skin tight shiny shirts did you notice that yeah and i know that some people are like, is he gay? And then he wants to decorate the kids' room. And so people are like, is that gay? No. No gay would ever say, carpet on carpet, honey, really? I mean, no. No, no, no, no.

No. I agree. He's just a little bundle of man. That's all. A little bundle of straight Texas man. And he's super angry like you can tell he has anger issues because he gets super red when he's trying to stay calm with her and she's pissing him off all the time it's like what is that a comforter or a foot or is it a sleeping

bag what is that it's a comforter or sleeping bag it's a sleeping bag well it looks like a comforter so no i think it was the actually the other way around. I think he's like, he says, that looks like a sleeping bag. This is like an insult. Like, ooh. Like, God forbid, it looks like a sleeping bag in a child's room. I want people to come into this room and think my kid's a football star. Not that he's some pansy camper. You know, he probably gets into bar fights all the time.

He looks like he gets drunk. He's the type that he gets drunk probably and then puts his arm around your neck like, Ah, this one! Or he gets into a fight. Yeah, he looks like one of those guys. They've probably gone through a lot of maids and they all leave hobbling. Yeah. He looks like he takes big shits, too.

Yeah, he looks like a big protein shake. And like all the time. Like every three hours he's taking a shit. And he's giving that same angry red face while he does it. He's like, I'm reading like Motor Trend when he's on the pod. Totally. I love those auto magazines.

I love them. He's like, big news from JD Power Associates, hon. Oh. We were talking earlier about how fun it is to read Housewives articles just for the comments and people taking it so seriously. That's how auto sites are to me. The guys talking, they're just the same. It's just about different things they're like the honda accord whatever that doesn't have a trunk latch like the last accord they're sure

slacking over there at honda ain't they honey it's like the sleeping bag of cars no one wants that especially on your floor is that a a Honda on a Honda? Look at that crazy truck carrying all those cars. It's like cars on cars. Totally. Cars would never get delivered anywhere. You know what they should call that? A car carrier. It's just carrying cars. Stupid truck. Turn him into

Andrea. No, I will not get our broken down car towed. I've never seen something more ridiculous than putting a car on top of a truck. That's ridiculous. What kind of car asks for a ride, loser? Loser paints a car. Why don't you be a real car and drive home yourself, Herbie? So in the never-ending saga of the statues,

let's go to the horse statues in front of Brandy's house. Poor, ungroomed, non-paid attention to horses in front of Brandy's house. I'm so mad. I'm still mad about the day my grandfather came and then my husband just swing my daughter back and forth. Remember when I stood there with my dog? just swing my daughter back and forth remember when i stood there with my dog and she's sitting right in front of this black and white picture in her bedroom of her and her husband smiling with their stupid bleached photoshop teeth yeah yeah it was just it was just another scene of sadness poor brandy well i don't even want to say poor brandy because i don't feel bad for her i'm just

like poor us well you know because it's like we want to like you, Brandy, because you're the only one who likes to take on Leanne. Well, maybe Carrie too. But I'm on your side. You're supposed to be really fun and hilarious, but you're just sort of like a sad sack. Well, just because I'm friends with so many girls, I don't like her because I feel like that girl tricks you.

She's like, me, me, me, me, me, me. And she's always fun. And she's always wearing poop on her hat you're like that's a fun girl and then you become friends with her and she's like my husband was mean to me again and then you have to whisper and be all sad the whole time yeah and then she tells boring stories of making farina for breakfast or something i don't know i did love that she was sitting right in front of a sign because, you know, I love a literal sign on these shows. The sign she was sitting in front of says, it's never too late to live happily ever after.

Listen, you're not going to stay in a marriage if that is your sign in your bedroom. Yeah. God. You know, listen, if you have the hang in there kitty cat over your bed, that's a bad sign. It gets better so then we so then we go to marie's house poor tall scared marie she's like the scooby-doo oh my god she startled scooby-doo like i was surprised when when Brandy went over there. I was half expecting Marie to be, like, hiding behind the couch, looking both ways for Leanne. Like, you hear her, like, knees knocking like a cartoon, like, whatever that noise is. She could never hide, though.

And she doesn't even try to. She wears, like, a bright. And she shouldn't. She's gorgeous, by the way. She's, like, this tall supermodel. But it is hilarious watching her because she's in, like,etto heels you're already towering over everybody so she's wearing these giant heels and a bright pink blouse and then a weird fuzzy skirt i don't know i'm obsessed with marie i don't know what's happening with her but she's terrified and i love it yeah she is she is

her eyes are just so big and terrified at all times like you know she she just knows leanne's gonna pop out of the shadows with a butcher knife you know leanne fucking could i mean that's one fear that's that's a real fear you know sometimes people are afraid of sharks and they've never even been in the ocean like leanne popping out of the corner of your closet that's a real fear. I just really feel like Marie is that cartoon character like Scooby-Doo or in any Disney movie where there's like a big tall thing

that should be scary but it's always this should be scary but it's the one that's the most scared and they always have to like reassure it. And like as soon as there's like a strange shadow

it goes hiding behind a rock and like the little boy has to coax it out. It turns out I was the scary one lessons from marie so marie is walking around in her crazy outfit and brandy comes over well good to have you ready to teach my daughter to dance like a whore good come on back to the back room so she comes over and brandy's like okay here's the grind the ass up against the dick nice moves lady jesus kid is like five leave her alone i know and i thought it was funny that the

only reason why brandy basically agreed to do it is that way she could hang out with marie and get dirt on leanne yes so shady she's like i hate teaching kids yeah but i'll do it because i want to hear about leanne and then marie's And then Marie's watching the whole lesson, which I hate when parents do that. I mean, I don't teach children. But I think it's weird. Whenever the parents sit there and are like, I will watch you teach my daughter to dance in the living room. It's creepy. Or when they mouth along to their kids' lyrics during a song or during a play.

It's like that craziest age mother thing. But they're always like Taylor Swift, mouthing lyrics to everything but she doesn't know the words and she's just like moving her mouth like stop trying to be pretend to be supportive of green day or whatever you know yeah taylor swift green day you like my uh random reference from the past um so she's giving a dance class i just like that marie was willing to teach her daughter at the same time by sitting there staring terrified and wearing a giant pearl necklace yeah with a huge pearl that looked like you just just need a handle on it it could be one of those things you hop around on yes whores get pearl necklaces wives get one gigantic pearl that

outranks them all okay honey, honey? Hey, Mom. Rule them all. Oh, my God. Poor house. Hey, you guys, have you guys been wondering what's going on with propane? Let's go over to Leanne's. Yeah. Well, by the way, before you do that, you should mention that when Brandy and Marie started talking, Brandy

started going in on what's it called? Oh, Leanne. can't having me over your kid's really good at picking things up with her butt cheeks leanne's a bitch right yeah yeah she is uh yeah so they went off so then uh so now uh to get back to your question who's interested in what's going on in propane? Then we go to Leanne and her cop man and their dog. Yeah, that guy, for someone who's on his fourth almost marriage, that guy's pretty patient. Yeah, he is really patient. I'm surprised.

I would think that after a full day of patrolling the streets for criminals, the last thing you want to do is come home to Leanne. No kidding. It's like putting yourself in overnight lockup in county. Yeah, like, honestly, he may be the one cop who, if he just, like, shoots someone, and it's like, he's the one cop who could commit police brutality and be like, I get it. You're with Leanne. Like, you've got to let it out somehow.

That homeless dude deserved it. All right, have a good dinner. dinner hope your propane tank is full fool yeah so we're over at Leanne's and Leanne now this scene was cracking me up because I watched this after we got all these tweets but I love you guys who

listen to this show and tweet us and Facebook us and stuff because honestly we would literally know nothing if it weren't for you everything we know is because you tweet at us but um at princess glammy uh who's hilarious on twitter was text uh tweeting me and us I guess things from the tweets from Marie so these are so good so we won't get to them until that part but oh this is where the plot begins where Leanne's pretending she's all innocent. He's like, well, how you doing, hon? How's everything with the girls?

He's all bored. He's like, wait, let me tell you, I've been trying to be nice. But then I found out that Marie has been texting Tiffany about me and psychoanalyzing me. And we used to do promo modeling together. I mean, we posed in front of a gas pump together. How could she do this? I love that Real Housewives of Dallas has the identity that it has found as former washed-up models and cheerleaders. That's its thing.

Like, you know, like every area has its own different identity you know that they that that they all have but this is dallas it's washed up models for kmart yeah totally it's not even the kmart it's the local version because i think these were both local before tiffany moved or something because they were i don't know they were standing in front of it's like mittens or whatever right horse statues for the in front of your house you know yeah like like beverly hills is child stars and soap stars it's like seedless celebrities turn reality stars and this is just this is just like someone who posed in the penny saver for like lawnmowers yes do you remember when we did that car dealership opening together that i mean those times the first time you did coke off the bathroom floor am i right tiffany i will never forget my favorite july 4th was the time when we posed for the

fireworks emporium down on route 74 oh my goodness they certainly treated us to a great display remember how we were calling it july july 4th to be funny, and then it turned out that we both got paid a lot of money to have sex with people that night? Oh, we were crazy back then. You know, one of my favorite modeling gigs is when they paid us to go into Cabo Cantina and give away Marlboro Lights. Oh, my God, what a great modeling gig that was.

That's against the law now. Oh, times change. Why would they do that? Leanne's anger just brings me so much joy because even in this scene where she's trying to be like nice, you could just see her already bubbling over and she's so confused. She's like, why would Marie do this to me? I mean, she's saying Leanne has to be the best in the room. Leanne has to be an expert on everything.

Where would she get that from? I can't believe she would pull those crazy things out of thin air. You know, it reminds me. I once was reading about that, and I know all about this sort of behavior. Don't question me about it. I know all about it. Thinking I'm an expert at everything. You can't even text right.

You're not even texting right. You want me to show you how to text? If you're going to gossip about me, you better know how to do it right because i know how to do it right go on tell me i'm an expert about everything that's just bullshit that's so her she's so mad how could people think this so in the never-ending saga of statues let's go look at marie's lion statues everyone's got fucking statues i know marie's are little tiny lions wait by the way we did get to see am i skipping ahead that we got to see um some of the text messages because because tiffany in the flashback we'll get there i've got them all loaded up okay um i'm so excited i like giving

myself a goal post yeah me too um i heard i have to address her as an elder oh so they quit they quit they cut back to marie's house and they're still talking shit about leanne and really brandy's talking shit and marie's just saying she is crazy but i love her don't hit me um she just got on the lydia roller coaster yeah i did do that i was shimmying in here. Lydia Landon. It's this Lydia Landon spectrum that has Leah Black on it. Lydia's like,

and Landon's like, and Leah Black's like, and then Stephanie's like, Stephanie's more on the Madison Hildebrand spectrum. She's a slow Madison Hildebrand. And that one's just my laugh there. That's just me. That's just Ben.

I'm trying to learn how to not laugh, and I've gotten so much better at it over the years because I used to just... And so now I've got it to where I'll control it, and it just comes out as this weird dolphin murder type thing now, but I'm trying to stop it all together it's obnoxious well anyway so speaking of dolphin murder

we then go on I hate laughing like who says that I'm trying to stop laughing okay go ahead I'll be quiet now so Mark and Carrie are now shopping for a photo shoot which is sort of like another variation of what we've seen like several times with these two which is like Mark just loves to shop he chooses better than i do i

hate when he's right i hate when he's right he is so good at shopping he's so good at shopping he knows the stuff yeah okay we get it we get it he's gone from semi-gay to kind of creepy to super creepy to now i just i don't even know what he's doing now he's like verging on like douche gay creepy i don't get what he's doing but Now he's verging on douche gay creepy. I don't get what he's doing. But he took all their wedding pics and made her look all sexy but then cut her head out of all of them. I mean that's weird. Yeah. I don't know.

The thing is they're doing a photo shoot for their website, for the plastic surgery website. And so her body has been on the website to show what he can do. And she's like, well, you know, but my face isn't in it. So it's time to like revamp it. We'll get me some recent photos. So I'm thinking she's saying like, okay, well, now I'll be like, we'll see a photo of him like in the scrubs. And you'll see me by his side and whatever. It's like, no, no.

They just want to have an excuse to buy clothes and do a slutty photo shoot. Yeah. And for him to say romantic things like this, mama finally found something she hasn't seen before. Ew. Be quiet, ex fat person. Cause every time I see him,

I think of her being like, he used to be fat, but it was disgusting. So not anymore. Ladies. Am I right? Oh, gross.

I like that. Carrie's always kind of like, Oh, there's my husband. Ugh, picking out $1,000 dresses for me. Gross. Like, seriously. I have to get on top of that occasionally.

But then she eventually concedes defeat and is like, ugh, but I like the clothes. And, you know, the sex is pretty good. So whatever. I mean, he did leave one day and then, you know, went to work and came home. So it's better than most of them. Right. I'll keep him. So then we go to Steph and Brandy hanging out. And it's pretty much as usual.

They're just in one of their kitchens or foyers or who knows what. And it's like, oh, my God, I smell poop. I smell poop or whatever they're talking about. Blue balls. Oh, the thing about Brian. Oh, yeah. Brian loves to pick his nose. Yeah, sometimes he picks his nose.

Sometimes he chews his toenails. It's like, ha, ha, ha. And then, of course, yeah, we're really distant, and he doesn't love me anymore. Yes, they're laughing, laughing. Those furniture balls look like big blue balls. Yeah, big balls. This is what men look like when they get old. Brian's all natural he could floss his teeth with his own cubic hair he's being mean to me are you sure you love god damn it

so annoying uh so her marriage sucks and you can tell that stephanie has had to hear this for years because she they're still laughing. And then Brandy's like, oh, I like Brian. And then immediately they stop. And she's like, is it okay with Brian? I don't know. So then back to the Lions. And by the way, can I say something?

Brandy, you're a former cheerleader, okay? Kick this guy to the lions i mean and by the way can i say something brandy you're a former cheerleader okay kick this guy to the curb he is just like a big old lump in a tucked in polo shirt like you were like out of his league so just go get someone else you don't need to bother with him you're too stupid to pity you were a dallas cheerleader and didn't find a hot person with brain damage you could have had all that money by now you wouldn't even have to be dealing with his ass you could have had some lawyer declare you fit you wouldn't even have to be dealing with his ass you could have had some lawyer declare you fit to control everything you idiot yeah you just drop this

drop this like Keebler elf you got as a husband you need a new sign in your bedroom that just says life can be a fairy tale if you don't fuck it up and marry some stupid ginger instead of a rich football player and the image is Leanne with her arms crossed

with all the text. I'm a carny. I'm a carny kid. There's a reason why my nickname is carny Asada. You messing with me? You messing with caramel apples. Alright, we're terrified.

I'm gonna knock you down like a beanbag to a bowling pin. I'm going to hit you so high, I'm going to hit the top of the ding-a-ling putt. Getting a ring on you should be harder than tossing a ring on top of a milk jug. I've already gone through all of my carny jokes. Well, we played whack-a-mole and bob for apples 20 times i'm out i'm like i'm like running through my experience at the oc county fair i'm like what else did i play what else did i play well we don't need to let's go see the tiny lions again so back at terrified marie's house oh yeah so leanne leanne and tiffany show up like two interrogating police officers it's

like a terrible episode of law and order law law and borderline personality that's what that would have been the next law and order had those not fizzled out because they had like law and order and then they had law and order special victims unit and law and order whatever the other one was and law they have like 10 different kinds. They were getting so stupid. Now it's a detective who's brilliant but also kind of crazy. It's like Monk.

No, like law and order. Law and order house swabs. This is law and order SCU special carnet unit. Who didn't invite so and so to the tea party. Dun dun. they they show up because leanne says we're going to marie's house to seek answers so maybe tiffany said that but i

still thought it was like the way they assigned such dramatic oh my god we're going to find some answer we're gonna seek answers from marie because Because Tiffany went over to Leanne's house and just tattletaled and was like, listen, I was getting these texts from Marie and I don't feel comfortable getting these kinds of texts from Marie because she was talking about you and she was saying this. I printed them out. She whips out this thing

which is copy-pasted only Marie's tweets. It's not her text. It's not hers. And the font is like size 72. It was like the grandparents sizing. Friends don't let friends squint on camera. But I love that it's this super serious scene

but Leanna's wearing this peach ice skating skirt with a different colored peach stripe. I mean, it was just so sad. The whole thing was so sad, but hilarious. I'm like, here she goes to war in her mismatched peach. The way they showed up at Marie's

house and they huffed out of their car, it was like some character that Mink stole and Patty Hearst would play in a John Waters movie, right? Like the nosy neighbors showing up to chastise someone like Kathleen Turner. Except that they stopped to pray first. They get out of the car.

They like huff out of the car and they're like holding hands and bowing their heads together. And they're like, God, please come be with us in this argument with so-and-so. But when did you, Lord? And then Leanne tells us, God is such an important part of my relationship

with Tiffany. We have had such moments and if someone is talking about us, God is just trying to tell us that this is happening in our relationship. God is sitting up there like someone talking behind your backs, bitches.

She literally says, I can't tell you how many times I have been 100% certain that God saved our lives. If God is showing us these text messages because he's trying to alert us that someone is trying to do damage in our relationship, then we need to pray that we are able to see what he wants us to see. I think God is probably like, I'm sending you an invoice for trolley damage. God's like, I sent you a hot, young, blonde guy with abs and a bit of talent and what did

tiffany do she's trying to marry him and dragged him to dallas i'm not doing any more miracles for you people all right i am a hundred percent sure that every time god sends a trolley to me it means i'm doing the right thing and so i hit that trolley to say, thank you, God. Thank you. Thank you for bowing at me, God. A bus pass. Time to go. God told me. Shut up over there.

Hold on a second, Tiffany. I see a vehicle of public transportation. I gotta go slap. Excuse me one second. I'm back. I've seen God used for a lot of things, but to fight against terrified Marie has to be the most evil use of god i've ever seen and that they held hands it wasn't just that they prayed they held

hands as if they were about to get results from a cancer test prayer is huge in our relationship bow at me priest bow at me i was trying to write down exactly what she was saying, but I was laughing so hard that I think I went off kilter. It says, if God is showing us these text messages because he's trying to alert us that someone's trying to come against our relationship, and then I just wrote, I've got to stop. You're transcribing. But that's what she literally said.

If God is showing us these text messages, he's trying to alert us that someone's trying to come against our relationship. Basically, the implication is that Tiffany is a vessel for God. Like, she is a prophet. Like, I received these text messages from Marie, and thank God I received them, because now I can show them to Leanne. Because I have heard the word from God, and he wants, this is a godly duty. This is a godly duty. Swallowing a load from an aging blonde dude does not make you eating the, does not mean you're eating the body of Christ.

Okay, Tiffany. Fucking idiot. I took communion on that bathroom floor. From dust to dust to dust to dust. You know what I mean? So stupid. So they go to Marie's and Marie marie answers terrified wearing this wire bow yeah she has weird what was that on her head you know what it was that was pretty much like

the fbi was in the van across the street and that was her microphone and they're like here put it on look totally natural marie are you sure, they'll never notice. Okay. It's like a big antenna on her head, like trying to get God. Why is everyone else here? God. It's like a piece of Ashley furniture broke off and fell into her hair. Oh, no, the girls are coming. Oh, God, they've got God on their side.

Get the antenna. Come through, God. Poor, terrified Marie is hiding in the backyard. and oh god they've got god on their side get the antenna come through god we're terrified marie's hiding in the backyard it's just like turning some knobs in the back room on a transistor radio oh i know i can get you got some god please no now's not the time to go dark oh y'all welcome to my home did you know there's a pile up in Illinois? Crazy. Getting mixed signals. Come on in. Waiting for God. Hey, an airplane's about to land. Hey, guys.

Welcome to my home. Would God like a glass of wine? Stop trying to trick us. God's with us. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hey, there's a trolley outside. Oh, the devil's with you with your trolley tricks.

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So Marie, terrified looking, has them sit down and sits across from them. The same place where she got them. Super Marie actually looks like she might be thinking she's going to apologize, you know, because she's like, so what's been going on? What's going on girls and

then tiffany opens it which is so good she's like well obviously you could tell in the way that i was texting that i don't like engaging you in tics about leanne being an awful human being and poor lady looked like she was gonna poop and pee herself at the same time and then just disappear. She looked absolutely terrified. She's like, I didn't realize that you didn't like to engage. I thought that all those wastebasket emojis was you saying that you thought Leanne was trash, which she is. I'm sorry. I didn't ever say that, though.

I was just saying it because I love you. So, Tiffany, total betrayer. And which I have to say, it's not often you see someone betray their friends for the poor one. So that's good. You know, that's showing some growth on Housewives. She's like, I'm sticking with the poor one. That's it. Yeah, exactly.

So she whips out the evidence. Okay. So before we even go further, I think we should just read these because they are hilarious. So these were sent to me. A lot of you ended up sending, but I have to say thank you so much, Princess Glammy, because you sent these right away. And, of course, I'm not sure what order they're in, but they're going to make wonderful, amazing sense no matter what. So these are from Tiffany. No, Marie to Tiffany.

Yeah, from Marie to Tiffany. no matter what so these are from tiffany no marie to tiffany yeah from marie to tiffany and then by the yeah and by the way i'd like to point out that marie at this point is casing her entire house for exits that she can just go run out of the house but like she's just gonna run and never come back to dallas yes marie is definitely looking around like oh no this is it this is the time this is when i leave my family thank god i got the Thank God I got my daughter those cheerleading lessons because that's it. That's all she's getting. Thank God she knows how to pick a dollar bill up with her choach.

That's all she's getting. Mama's gone. So read the text message. There's two sets because there's also some from Leanne which we can save for a little later. But Tiffany, let me see. They both start kind of in the middle. Like you.

Okay, let's start with like you. So first of all, Tiffany is totally engaging her in these. But it is true also that Marie is all blue. Marie is blue. And this whole thing is blue. It's just like little tiny white parts. And then blue walls, blue walls. Maybe she was typing.

But Marie is like, like like you i've defended her and made excuses for her for a long time her rage and shit throwing needs to stop tiffany agree like seven exclamation points she talks shit about you to me i'm sure she talks shit about me to you she'd love does think about what she says about the people she doesn't like and she does this um almost ellipses a lot where she does two periods i don't know what that means but she does it all the time then tiffany uh if she is talking shit about me after all i do to defend her exclamation question question i've got some praying to do then um her again it's just tiffany to tiffany's too busy to ever answer my fucking calls and the tone of her voice that gets me she's the expert on she's the expert on bc because she thinks she's

the most important person always i'm assuming that means before christ but i'm not sure anyway i will release this like i did the last two times I'm just sad for her most of all that she behaved this way. This is all she ever wanted, and she isn't happy about the job, her opportunity, or making the most of this. She is sabotaging herself. It's her form of self-harm, like not paying taxes, or not showering, or not, where is it? Or not showering, or something else. And Tiffany tiffany's like yes i do not condone this

behavior or whatever so she says um this is the second set tiffany goes did you hear um oh god i'm sorry i can't tell because they're blue oh okay so i guess this is again i'm sorry i'm a mess i know i'm reading it the same time. It's okay. So these are now Marie sending texts. She says, did you get those texts from her tonight? And Tiffany says, nope, nothing. So she copy and paste Leanne's text to her. I hope your new best friend, Brandy, brings you as much business as I have and has been as good of a friend through all the shit you've been through in your life.

That wasn't for you. My phone is Seve cracked. Because she threw the phone or something? I'm not going home ever again, B. This show and my friend have destroyed any home I hope to have. Yay! You broke the girl who cared. Fuck Blank and Tiffany. Blank,

Blank, Blank. And then Marie. Lynn, where are you? um i love text and i think that's it if i'm you know somewhere along the way i got very confused but yet it all still made sense and oh no it goes on she's like land where are you dead on the side of the road? Celebrate! Please take a deep breath. I love you. You're hurt. I want to understand you and what's going on inside you. Can we talk in the morning privately? I'm broke! Y'all won! Yay! The mighty Leanne has fallen! Rejoice! The happy-eyed hurt is! Sue me! You want to be a period star? Go for it.

I'm done. I'm at a club. Woo the fuck boo. I have an issue. Woo the fuck boo. So good. I have an issue with ignoring this behavior. It suggests we, and I guess this is back to Tiffany.

It suggests we're okay with it. She is self-destructive and destructive. And then Tiffany says, agree. I'm exhausted and do not condemn this type of behavior so those are the full ones and then shady tiffany the first thing she does is act as if she was not even you know a party to these texts like it was just marie going off when tiffany was totally you know piling on yes basically it was marie saying leanne is acting crazy on camera because

this happened after this big fight where leanne beat up a cameraman and then left yeah so she's saying she's throwing shit in my house acting crazy and throwing away this opportunity thinking she's gonna get fired when meanwhile she became like the star yeah oh but at the time she's thinking oh my god we have to help her she She's acting crazy. So she was, in her defense, she kind of was being nice, even though she was shit-talking. Right. And then Tiffany took it all because she knew that she had been talking to Leanne, too. So afraid that Leanne would yell at her, she went to Leanne so she couldn't get in trouble later and said, I had your back, girl. Exactly.

So then here they are confronting poor, scared Marie. Marie is trembling. And so she tries to describe why she's upset. She's like, well, you know, like, you threw things in a room full of people. Like, don't throw things in a room full of people. Which should be so easy. And then Leanne's like, well, yeah, but I have a little redheaded bitch that can't stand with two feet of me without throwing a fit. Like she can't stand within two feet of me without throwing a fit.

I was about to fucking lose it. Did you know that when I got into the cab, the cabbie didn't even charge me for my cab ride because I couldn't even catch my breath. I was so broken. I was tired of her being mean and evil to me for no reason. I'm not having a fucking mental breakdown on piss this hell. You know that Hitler even like, you know, his ass even at the end of that war was like, everyone's being mean to me. Like everybody is mean. All I try to do was like everyone's being mean to me like everybody is

mean all i try to do is nice thing everybody mean to me like you're not the victim hitler yeah exactly and now leanne wants to throw up i just want to throw up i just want to barf everywhere marie i'm just gonna barf everything out of me the thought that you would tell that little red-headed slut anything about me. She's like, but I didn't. I didn't say anything. Never. I never said nothing to Brandy.

Cut to her being like, yeah, she's crazy, isn't she? I'm terrified. Well, at least she wasn't bearing a secret. I mean, because everyone can see that. Oh, man tiffany's really an asshole at the end of all that first of all i know i already said this but it needs to be said again tiffany cut out her own texts i mean that's like the first sign that this bitch

is lying to you yeah but then after it's all done marie doesn't know whether to cry run or just kill herself right there because there's something to stab myself in the head with? And then Tiffany goes, well, I just want you to know that I hear you, and I hope that you hear me hearing you. She's like, yeah, I heard you. I think so. I think so. Okay, because I hear you, and I can hear well, because my husband's a musician, so I understand acoustics and such.

So that scene was so good that my next note is carrie photographer who cares brandon doesn't have a nanny yeah yeah wait what about the nanny i just skipped over the entire carrie yeah the photo shoot was like blah the only thing that was noteworthy was with a photographer saying if it feels wrong it's right i I was like, shut up. Shut up. Folk, Jill Ben, fake Jill Ben Simone. Randy. I don't have a nanny, so I have to take care of my kids.

Look, we're opening food from a can. Brooklyn is really nasty when Brian is gone. Yeah, I was like, great. Then throwing speed at the wall. Great, great, great. Then throwing Spear at the wall. Great, great, great. Then we have... Why would you name your child Brooklyn and then expect her to be pleasant? Yeah. You gotta name her Greenwich.

So... Eastside. Hey, meet my baby Eastside. Meet Park Avenue. I just have to point out, by the way, that Brandy is mothering. I'm sorry that I'm saying this so late, but I'm going through these notes. Brandy, she's calling one kid on the phone because she won't get out of her room.

She's like, don't you want to come see mommy? And the kid's like, mommy. Which is what America was doing, too. Pretty much. And then the other kid is sitting on the counter right next to an electric socket, putting her fingers all over everything with a block of knives next to her. It's like great mothering. I know, eating spaghetti that fell onto the crevices between the oven and the counter. Could you not put the electric socket and the block of knives in the car that you bought your daughter and just have them be in the middle of the street right now?

car that you bought your daughter and just have them be in the middle of the street right now. Yeah. So then we have a scene of Mark and Carrie looking at the photos that they find. It's really a terrible storyline. I'm glad. There's nothing to talk about. They looked at their photos. I don't need airbrushing.

Yeah. And then we have a reveal for Stephanie's kids room which was like all Dallas cowboys and the kids like hid in the little locker. So then we get to the final scene, which is Brandy and Brian are sad at a restaurant together. And they are awful. He is awful. Oh, he's so awful.

His jacket was awful. He looked like he was going to audition to be a clown for kids' parties. What was that jacket? It didn't fit him. Why wasn't there a squirty rose coming out of that thing? Different colored buttons. The fuck, dude. Maybe he left it somewhere on that private plane.

But they were both sad. It was day and night. He's like yawning. And she's trying to talk to him, but she's so nervous that she's like, and she's trying to like talk to him but she's so nervous that she's like sometimes i feel like you know that like we say things and i just sort of expect certain things and like i don't say what i want from you so but i sort of expect you to figure it out and i really shouldn't because like i don't know because like sometimes like i don't know there's like spaghetti that i throw at the wall and it's like the pasta sauce doesn't open and i'm like why didn't you open it for me and

he's just sitting there like what what is this bitch talking about? He's just giving her the dirty look. And he goes, oh, so you have an issue with me not giving you enough attention? Seriously? And then he looks around the restaurant like, what is this? What are you, like, Avila's? Like, you're in some Mexican food restaurant. Like, what are you talking about? You're acting like you take her to the Ritz. He's like, obvious? Like, you're in some Mexican food restaurant. Like, what are you talking about?

You're acting like you take her to the Ritz. He's like, did someone just bring you chips? Because your chip basket was empty, and then someone brought you more. If that's not attention. Okay, thanks. Yeah, you dick. This is the person that you love, and she's sad and upset. And your response is to, like, sneer at her.

That's not being a good husband at all. Especially if you're traveling all the time and then she says, I understand you have to work a lot, but I feel like I need some more attention from you. That's like, you should understand where that's coming from pretty easily. So then she's like, I feel like I did something wrong.

And he's like, you did. And she's like, oh. She's like, can you tell me what? I mean, obviously, what she did wrong is that she's like, can you tell me what? And he's like, it's like, sorry. Well, I mean, obviously what she did wrong is that she dragged him onto TV. He doesn't want to be on TV. Yeah, pretty much.

I think that she's got I think she's got emotional issues. I can just I've said it last week, but I think this girl just is always crying and always complaining. And then and he's just so fucking dumb with her. And now she's making him do this on tv and he's pissed he's still an asshole don't get me wrong but because she starts crying and he just gives her a dirty look and he's like crying seriously he's like yeah and then he throws down his napkin and he goes wow i didn't see that coming because i guess she's always crying and then just throws down his napkin and leaves and it's funny because as he started to get out of his chair i thought oh this is nice he's gonna hug her but no he just walks out i was like yeah okay you're just

a huge dick yeah but you know there's also like there's sometimes there's a thing with like pretty girls and ugly guys that they like to take them down several notches all the time because they feel insecure about like she's so pretty and i'm like a schlub so i'm gonna do what i can to bring her down because i feel insecure i had a friend who was in this relationship like that and this isn't exactly the same as it. We don't really get to see as much but I'm sure there's like there's some aspect to that. That's how Tom

Likas built his entire career. Have you ever heard of that guy? I've heard of him but I haven't really listened to any of his That's his whole shtick. He's this ugly little dude and he has this radio show and he has this radio show, and he teaches ugly dudes how to get hot chicks, man. He talks like that, man.

If you really want to get attention from that stupid bitch, you just need to make her feel ugly. Find the hottest girl in the room, make her feel ugly, and she'll love you. Yeah. But this is even more than that. This is more than even just like a pickup. It's just like those guys that are just lame. I mean, look, she was a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader,

which is like creme de la creme in Texas, I feel like. And he's just like this. He's a very just ordinary guy. And here he's got a girlfriend, wife, who is this elevated um you know you know cheerleader model for beauty and prestige in texas and um you know you i'm sure there was a lot of insecurity that he felt as a result of that and i'm sure there was jealousy issues or whatever and he probably has been taking her down like a peg every chance he's had well car, Carrie is the only, well, I shouldn't say the only one, but there are a couple of marriages on this show that are like that.

Because her friend, her best friend, of course, has a relationship kind of like that. She's like, well, I just do what he wants and it's really hard, but it's one thing because he bought me a necklace. And they're just like stressed. But it is something where these guys make a shit ton of money and they work all day. And they're like, that's my job. And then your job is to just take care of the kids and shut the fuck up. It's like they're the man of the household.

Yeah. Well, I don't see that working out for you guys. Because now your wife is rich and famous. I mean, not rich, but she'll be rich. I doubt they had a prenup because someone on the facebook said this and i think she's totally right i don't think there's a prenup because aren't they the ones when they met when they were kids yeah like in high school yeah have fun leaving buddy because you'll be paying your whole life for that lifestyle so why don't you just at least smile and fake it like everybody else in a relationship for a long time sometimes

you just have to say baby i didn't mean to hurt your feelings i love you i don't leave because i don't like you i leave because i have to work and pay for all this stuff that's it is that so hard and then order some more salsa that's it yeah so that was basically dallas for this week fun Fun times. It sure was. Bye, Dallas. Goodbye. Goodbye. Shall we move on to Shaz? Let us do that. Alright. A Persian!

Yes, let's go on to the Shaz of Sunset. I wrote Shaz Salami. The show is called Something About Salami. So, there we go. Shaz Salami. Shaz shah salami so let's see we can go through our characters um let's see gg did not do much this episode she just showed up at the party gg's on her best behavior because they had the stupid intervention thing

so she's pretending she's doing that bravo thing i guess reality show thing where someone's called out so they pretend they're nice for like three episodes and she's doing that right now and everybody's like gg you seem so peaceful yeah because you got you guys had that talk with me and so like now like i'm really feeling like i know how to communicate no you're not drunk let's just face it it's the one day you're not drunk. Yeah, exactly. She's like, you know, took a dip in a hot tub and now she's like, perfect. So she didn't really do anything. Reza is continuing to prepare for this surprise wedding, which I still think is a terrible idea. But they really need to eat everything.

He goes into a spa with who's he with? Mike, the spot. No, the spa was with was with uh gg oh gg so he's having this bonding moment with gg and they go to a pink himalayan sea salt spa where everything is made out of pink salt and he walks in he's like whoa this is salt and then licks the wall and then he like no he he like washes he rubs his eyes in this like high density salt water and that's so persian to get your eyes stinging that's so persian homegirls like you got salt in your eyes i'm like i know it's so salty that's crazy right what are you doing i'm feeling

salt in my eye it's crazy like everything's so crazy get in the fucking hot tub and shut up buddy yeah so he and us i go to palm springs they like stopped to internet in and out burger and then we got like this extended sequence of watching them eat their burgers and fast forward sequence was so great it was like that filmography they use when they are or that filming style they use when they're filming a flower growing from a bud it's like that speed photography and so you get to see a flower bloom in five seconds but this was like five years

and they were still eating in and out I mean Jesus Reza ordered ten things like I want a double double animal style and then like a single with cheese and then another double with french fries on it and in the middle of it put some french fries and bacon I was like damn fries on it and in the middle of it put some French fries and bacon. I was like, damn. How do you read in private?

Good Lord, girl. I know. I know. But this week we also, Shervin finally got something to do because he always just sort of pops up on the side and weighs in with his thoughts. So first we met Shervin's mother

and she seemed nice she's from northern california and she made she made dinner for shirv we know she's got a strong neck damn that's like 30 pounds of hair on that woman yeah it's like a small child on top of her head well there's like 30 pounds of hair on shirvin too so um but then so shirvin went on a date so we got to see sure it was like shirvin's first like so like in the life of shirvin his first scene so he he goes out on a date with this italian girl who's australian and um he is just like terrible on the date it was just pure awkwardness it was and he was like doing shtick as if it was us you know like he was like

he's like no no trying to do like like the uh australian accent no no it's funny so you know yeah you're real funny aren't you he's like yeah yeah you're really good at talking till you open your mouth or whatever you say it's like being as much of a douche, but the poor guy, he's obviously faking it. I don't know where he found this hoe to shoot with,

but let's just look at the evidence. He found her at Earth Cafe, allegedly. He's like, yeah, we just had a great lunch and I thought I'd ask her at dinner and insult her, you know? I love when people made out of rubber stoppers

eat at the Earth Cafe. Like that bitch was fake from head to toe. Let's go to Earth, shall we? How head to toe let's go to earth shall we how about you let's get earth maybe they have some kangaroo kangaroo salad yeah people used to have body parts that came out of the earth crazy isn't it but let's look at the evidence here i hate saying oh he's gay he's gay but i mean come on they're all gay sherman you're obsessed with your mother he's like my mother is my best friend.

She's like the best thing that ever happened to me. And I was just watching Bates Motel on the same night. I was like, this is creepy. And then he has this little purse dog. And he's like, you guys might be wondering why I have a little purse dog. It's a chick magnet. Okay, you're obsessed with your mom. You have a fucking purse dog.

And now you're eating at the Earth Cafe with some stripper and trying to be a douche. Not making sense, gay man. Yeah, and he was talking about, like, yeah, usually my dates go from 12 a.m. to 4 a.m. Those are usually my dates. I'm like, Shervin, you're trying to sell us a little too hard and you're so damn handsome.

It's making me question some things. I know. And he's nice, too. I say, what's wrong with Nima? That guy's so cute. some things. I know. And he's nice, too. I say, what's wrong with Nima? That guy's so cute. Just marry the fucker. Well, obviously something must be going on. Well, I shouldn't say obviously, but it feels weird. Yeah, this feels like a Rock Hudson cover-up.

Yeah. For sure. Sherb Hudson. Sherb Hudson. But Shervin's so nice, by the way. He seems so nice. I don't know. I really like Shervin a lot he has

nothing is going on with him nothing interesting you know but he except that he totally screws the pooch with with dates and by the way also she's exactly the kind of girl that i can imagine a guy in the closet would go out on a date with you know like she's like yeah look at this hot girl i got you know yes i love i love girls like that because he's like, yeah, so you're a model, huh? It's real different. You come different seasons. It's different in Australia than here. Here you wear a nice shirt.

There you wear a sweater sometimes. It's like the dumbest conversation, but she's being all serious. Yeah, she's like, I'd really like to see what's on america versus sydney i can see a lot of different things and he's like so when you wake up you just say hello governor cheerio that's entirely different country but yes i do say that and i love her she's like she's all intelligent i'm intelligent right then chief i've got some self-respect but then she stays there for her free dinner and her drink. Exactly. Exactly.

Well, I guess this dinner's done. I guess we should go home. Definitely. Definitely go home. I think it's definitely time to get out of here. Can I have another salad to go, please? That's what my best friend does on that date. I need a salad for me and to sail it for my wig

um so let's see who else do we have here a also doesn't do anything but those sunglasses please stop it i saw yeah so awesome well we'll get to us in a second let's talk about mj okay which is um so mj and tommy tommy he's got the he's got the poor semen count. He's only got one million semen. The part is in 20 million. It's not going to get a pregnant. Tommy, we've got to count your sperm. All right. Keep your face still.

No, no. The doctor. All right. Do it, babe. He's still. So, yeah. So they go and like, you know, so so so they're gonna he has to go seven days without jerking off or having sex with mj so that's his challenge and in the meantime uh mj has vita over

and vita all of a sudden i think she suddenly has in her mind that she's gonna get some sort of bravo persian cooking spin-off show because she's like this is how you make celeries too you have to put in the seasoning you have to put in this put in the celery put in the put in the onion boil potatoes with vida fascinating show and we'd still watch that greens bits of greens that's what we it'd be called. By the way, I would totally watch her cooking show. Oh my god, I would too. Ten different ways to boil a potato. So meanwhile, she's sitting there making a stew out of celery and that guy with the yellow pants from Top Chef,

wherever he is, got a boner out of nowhere. He's like, why do I have a boner? Is someone cooking with celery? I love celery. It's my favorite food. It's perfectly bland. Wait, is there a potato? Is it unseasoned? Oh!

Why is that guy counting sperm on your face? Sorry. Yeah, she's making boiled potato stew. And then MJ... MJ is a shit-stirrer when she's sober, when she's not. But MJ does this thing, which I think is hilarious, where she only pisses her mom off on TV. Because you can tell the way that Vida is, MJ does not say this shit in real life. Because her mom will beat her with the wooden spoon.

I have a mother like that. I know what's coming. But MJ pulls all this shit on camera so she can't get beat up. She's like, so mom, i was thinking of having babies with this lizard who's tommy who tommy who's tommy who tommy who who this who this who this message message who this we only what we are talking about right now is you and me this is all that matters right now okay potato celery mom tommy, I don't know who this is. Who is this?

Is this type of celery? I don't know who this is. You are too fat for love. She's like, well, we want to have a baby. No, not now. Not now. It should be in the future, but not when you're ready. But no, you don't.

It's not like going to McDonald's and getting a baby. You don't just go toald's and eat a hamburger and there's the baby at the bottom of a box okay well that's where i came from you are different mj mercedes i'm your mother i know these things i'd protect you from it okay no baby no baby with tommy celery mj having a baby is horrifying how would she breastfeed that thing? That thing would be filled with nothing but saline. That would be a well-fed baby. It will always be fed. That baby will never get dry eyes.

Like enough saline to keep him lubricated forever. It'll basically be like Reza. So then she's like, well, Tommy and I are going to move in. At that point, she just drops the bowl of soup. She's like, I cannot, Mercedes. Oh, well, you only hurt me a little, but you murdered the celery. I hope you're happy, MG. Yeah, so that was ridiculous.

But I did like Vida saying, oh, this man, this is the wrong man for you. Everybody knows it. Everybody knows it. Everybody say it. Everyone in ping pong league say it. Tommy, no good. What the fuck's your problem, bitch? Fucking Tommy. I love Tommy, actually. I like Tommy a lot. I think he actually seems like a good egg.

And then MJ is so sad. She's like, well, everybody else is getting married so it just feels like a sign because everyone else is getting married so I it just feels like a sign because everyone else is getting married, so I should marry Tommy. Good reason. What is this sign? No Mercedes. What is this sign?

The only sign you have to read is the one that says, do not enter to your relationship that I hung on your butt. I'm so thankful to reality TV because they've really changed the fabric of hollywood you know hollywood the way we grew up thinking about it is like all the gorgeous people moved to hollywood and now that there's all these reality shows and stuff like you know people who grew up and their parents were like god you look like homer fucking simpson jesus and now he's like yes i do and homer simpson is a star and i'm gonna move to hollywood to become the next homer simpson and he's actually on his way this Tommy. Yeah, he really is,

especially because the results are in and he has plenty of sperm to go around. So good for you, Tommy. You can get anyone pregnant that you want. He's got like three man sperm. I love it. The doctor's like, well, he's actually got 30 times more sperm

than most people. And they all look like Mr. Met. They all like donuts. So meanwhile, Asa decides to throw her mom a cat lady party, which actually looked really fun because Asa's mom is hilarious and great and wonderful and has that big fat cat called Barfee that eats Cheetos, speaking of Homer Simpson. That cat is so hilarious. And I love that Asa tries to make everything fancier than it is.

Her mom's like, look at it, it's Barfee. She pronounces it Barfee. But Asa's like, oh, my mom's dog Baffy. Shut up, you faux fancy. We know the name is barfy on the screen yeah queen of england so so asa is having this cat lady uh barfy uh party and everyone shows up dressed like cats um with like whiskers and things like that even gg's in it involved with it. Tam Gay got an entire suit that was leopard skin. I was shocked.

I was like, Tam Gay, what's going on here? This is crazy. You know that Tam Gay is trying to get power in a gay relationship when he's marrying Fred Flintstone, but he comes dressed as Fred Flintstone. You can wear leopard print all you want, Tam Gay. You're still the bottom. Now just shut up and get married when you're told to don't try to even step on reza's pattern game okay because he will

chevron all over you so um but mike arrives alone which takes us to mike which is the big thing of the episode which is that when we first see Mike, he and Jessica are in therapy. And we learn that they have actually been separated. And the way Mike describes it, he sort of described it in this vague way. He's like, you know, like, we were best

friends, but when we became married, the stress of it just got bigger and bigger and bigger, and now she's moving out. Oh, this guy is such oh this guy is really glossed over something like oh yeah this guy something so they were in therapy earlier in the episode jessica meets him for therapy and they're giving each other really dirty looks and uh the therapist is like well what's going on she's like looking at him like okay you'd be the one to do it fucker so it goes over to mike and mike's like you know like we get married and like all i'm trying to do like i'm trying to concentrate like

how do i make her happy like what do i need to do like my whole life i'm like i need to be the provider so like i work you know you know you do you have shoes right now like do you need shoes like do you want to get fucked because i've got shoes that'll get you fucked it's like mike concentrate you know he's like well i do everything like you know so i'm like why is this the problem that i do everything for you like that's the problem the problem is that you're putting your dick in the entire fucking town mike not that you're too good of a person you fucking asshole i love it like i'm too good of a guy that's a problem with me yeah and then she's and jessica's like she basically says, well, I met Mike and I knew immediately that we were going to get married because I wanted to get married and that was my goal in life. And so I did everything to get married.

And now that we are married, I'm realizing that essentially he's still screwing around with everyone in town and I've become that wife that stands by and I don't want to be that. That's basically what she was saying without saying that. Well, yeah. She's like, all I wanted was to get married and i met him so i got married to him because like it's amazing but now that i'm on tv like i'm like why am i with this loser i'm already on tv and so now i'm kicking him out yeah because i mean she essentially said she changed her life for him to do she moved everything to be she changed everything her life life, to make this marriage work. And then once they were married, I think she realized, wait a second, who am I?

What have I become? I'm a Jew now? Wait a second. When did that happen? Why would you turn your wife Jewish and then wonder why she's complaining all the time? Just kidding, Jews. It's okay. I'm Jewish'm Jewish everyone I condone it so but the thing is that I mean obviously

they this relationship is totally deranged because she did the classic thing of that she just did whatever could whatever it takes to get that ring on her finger and then when she did there was that void and she realized that she was more interested in getting a ring on

her finger than finding a suitable mate. So there's that going on. And then he also. You're so nice. Because I think she got the ring on her finger. But then realized they weren't going to do it on TV. And what's the fucking point? Like if Mike is not important enough to even shoot his wedding on a reality show.

She's like, I'm out of here. There's that too. I do agree. And then like with him, it's probably like he expected her to be just like making – he even says. He's like, I get home and it's empty, man. It's empty, bro. Like there's no food cooking. Like it's nothing. It's just me alone. Yeah, it's like there's a mess. Like no one's cleaning the house. Like no one's cooking. And then like I just jerk off and go to bed. Plus, on top of that, she probably is kind of overbearing about needing attention, and he's trying to, quote-unquote, do work, and she needs all this attention. But on the flip side, she's probably like, what the fuck?

You gave up your commercial real estate career to design shoes? This is bullshit. Well, he didn't really have a commercial real estate career anyway. He's just not good at what he does he just wants to party and you know everything's on credit he has no money i mean they're both they're both jackasses but jessica's the worst i think she's terrible she's just terrible he's terrible too he's a cheating piece of crap but she knew that when she married him and still married him yeah they're both they both deserve each other so then he shows up at uh asa's party and um you know he starts talking to some like young woman and i'm just like why are you talking to him why are you talking to her

like you're married you shouldn't be talking and so finally mj corners him and it's like what's going on where's jessica what's happening what's happening what's happening he's like and he's and the funny thing is he's like – she's down in Orange County. She's down in Orange County. And then he tells us something along the lines of like, why is everyone like grilling me about her? Why is everyone doing that? I'm like, well, then just say that she felt sick. Like you could have not been grilled very easily by just saying the right thing.

But don't tell people that you're separated and not be willing to talk about it. Yeah. And then MJ is drunk. And MJ, you know, like we said earlier, she will start shit sober. But man, when she is drunk, she's the worst. She's like, Mike's wife left him. Mike's wife left him. Mike's wife left him.

Mike's wife left him. Who's standing there? Well, the best is that before even that happened, Mike is talking to Reza. And then MJ starts talking to the girls. And it's like, yeah, they're separated. Something is wrong. Their marriage is falling apart or whatever. And Mike's like, MJ, be quiet.

Stop. And then she keeps saying, MJ, stop. And then that's when she finally just says, you know what? I'll just say it over and over again. Mike's wife left him. Mike's wife left him. Mike's wife left him. Mike's wife left him. Mike's wife left him. Mike's wife left him. Mike's wife left him.

Mike's wife left him. And she finds a way to make it all about her. She's like, I'm so mad at Mike because like I was going to get married right now because like he made me think it was good. But now it's not good. Like, how could he do this to me? How's Mike's relationship anything to do with your relationship? And if you really thought that was real, you're a bigger idiot than you look. Yeah, and she just gets drunk and storms off in the Uber.

Reza. MJ likes to drink, but right now, she's like a Bevmo right now, okay? She's like a Bevmo in East Hollywood, okay? She's like person Bevmo right now okay? She's like a Bevmo in East Hollywood okay? She's like person Bevmo is crazy Some of Rez's lines are really forced like when he was talking about how MJ dislikes the idea of a surprise wedding he's like look

I don't like all your weaves but I don't go and try to tear them off of your head Actually you literally do ass You would if you were with do ass you would if you if you were with an arm with arm's length you would there just always happens to be an in-and-out burger there instead so you're like well you got to make choices in life i'm just beef or an in-and-out burger that's so persian mj's weaves are bad though oh my god what is she wearing in this episode it was like something you'd see down in like

santa monica and highland it was just like blonde with brown hair coming out from underneath it was just like she's always the one talking about being body positive and that's just because she's fat because she's not body positive she's always like her face is completely jacked up like she was smiling at one point in this episode and she has a rectangle implant in her lips like that's how bad her groupon implants are getting she can't it doesn't even curve with her lips like when she smiles it sticks out like a little rectangle above her lips i'm like come on now lady It's like I'm body positive. All I need to do is change my face and my hair and my boobs and my butt. And then, you know, a little life. Body positive.

It's not body positive ass. I know. Oh, MJ. MJ, MJ, MJ. But never stop. Never stop being you. I don't think she could if she tried. And I'm fine with it, too.

And I liked her causing all of the shit at the party I thought it was just beautiful because that's what this show does I mean if they're not being horrible to each other what the hell's the point I've just learned to love it for what it is that's why I will never divorce it I do love it

I like that they're friends they're like fucked up but they're friends and it's appealing and they're all equally kind of that they're friends. They're like fucked up, but they're friends. It's appealing. And they're all equally kind of terrible. Yeah. They're really all bad people. There's really not one to root for because you just look like a fucking idiot the minute you start rooting for someone.

They turn around and do something stupid. Exactly. It's like constantly, who's going to be the biggest jackass of the minute? Not even the episode, of the minute. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. All right. Shall we move on to some Southern smarm?

Yes, but before that, there's something I'd like to do. How lucky are you to have me teach you about me? We'll make it quick since we've been recording for like 10 hours at this point. But I just had to do this because I saw this one the other day and it made me laugh caroline fleming of ladies of london she uh she found she actually posted a meme which she rarely does and um it's like a it's like a bathroom sign thing and there's like a it says men and there's an arrow to the left and women there's an arrow to the right so but there's text under the arrows and says men to the left because women are always right. So she goes, Callum Fleming goes, a great man just sent this to me.

Had to share and put a little smile on everyone's face. Crying of laughter emoji, crying of laughter emoji, crying of laughter emoji. Hashtag happy. Hashtag Tuesday. Hashtag quote of the day. Crying of laughter emoji. Crying of laughter emoji. Hashtag happy. Hashtag Tuesday. Hashtag quote of the day. Hashtag just saying. Hashtag humor. Hashtag love to laugh.

Have a great day. X space X. X space X. Okay, this is her most recent one. She's standing on a floral carpet. Not a red carpet, but sunflower carpet. Looking gorgeous because she's standing on um a floral carpet not a red carpet but sunflower carpet looking gorgeous because she's always gorgeous it says caroline fleming official at alice and olivia hashtag jumpsuit hashtag l style i was about to say estelle estelle getty style awards Style Awards 2016. Hashtag Alex L'Oreal Paris. Hashtag

L. George Jensen. Hashtag Bella Sack. Hashtag Clutch. At Giovanni Rossi. Hashtag Shoes. At Gunn-Briat-Cofla. At Hair. At Hair. Hashtag Hair. Come on, lady.

Like, maybe I can get to tie and deal with the hair people. Okay, just hashtag hair and see who calls. Isn't that the most wonderful hashtag? Hashtag hair. Isn't that the most wonderful? Have you seen this latest joke on the internet? Women to the left and men to the right.

Oh, no, I already got it wrong. How lucky am I to have a visual reference of it right here to correct myself? She can't listen to that Beyonce song to the left because she's like, No one finishes the picture. But men are not always right, so why would men go to the right? How lucky am I to have a great grasp of left and right? Hashtag right. Hashtag middle.

Hashtag left. Hashtag down. Hashtag right Hashtag middle Hashtag left Hashtag down Hashtag up Hashtag over Hashtag under Hashtag game controller Hashtag Nintendo Hashtag Playstation

Hashtag bell pepper Hashtag up Hashtag down Hashtag up Hashtag down Hashtag left Hashtag right Hashtag back A Hashtag up. Hashtag down. Hashtag left. Hashtag right. Hashtag A.

B. B. A. Select. Start. Hashtag extra lives. Suddenly Dion finds it. She's like, I was searching for the hashtag up and I found your post.

This is where Renee went. Up, up, up, up, up, up, up. How lucky are you to go through the mourning process with me? Anyway, that's it. Alright, clear the phlegm. Clear the phlegm.

Okay, now it's time for Southern Charm. Oh, I love Southern Charm. I love that it opens up with a scene of Shep and Craig going to a bar to eat. And Shep orders some boiled peanuts and Craig orders fruit. And then Shep is like, gosh, Craig, I can't believe you ordered fruit. Like, be a man, Craig.

Be a man. Gosh. He's like, you can't yell at me for eating fruit oh i have to eat the fruit because i was told i was gonna get a position as the president of fruit growers of america so what happened like remember when we were at that party what happened and craig's like well like basically jd like said stuff that got naomi really sad she feels like she was really misled by you fool yeah not by jd well gosh like really what you should be doing is studying at the bar instead of going to bars. That was last season. Like, I'm different. I know, but it's still hilarious, right? And then he's like,

yeah, you need to be studying for the bar. Hey, you want to come to Appalachia? I'm like, wait, you can't tell him to study for the bar and then invite him to a mountain retreat. What is that? Is that apples? Because, you know, like I said before, I'm going to be the president of fruits, so. It'll have fruited apple before, I'm going to be the president of fruits.

It'll have fruited apple bees. I'm not coming. No, dude. Gosh. Appalachia. It's a town where lots of poor people built things and we try not to look them in the eye so they don't steal from us. Oh, okay. Oh, I thought it was a skin condition because, you know, I'm going to be a doctor soon.

Can I be the mayor of this Applebee's? Okay. I'm telling Naomi. I'm texting Naomi right now. Do you think they're going to have any skillet entrees there? Because Naomi really likes those. Skillet entrees. It's like magic.

They come out of the kitchen and they're like burning. That's crazy. You know what my favorite Applebee's dishes is when they have like a steak that's cooked in Jack Daniels because I love JD. Oh, no, JD, the memories. That's bourbon, right? Wait, is the bourbon the stuff on the steak or is it the steak? I don't know. Next up is Catherine.

Now, Catherine's in a very good mood today. And you can tell, not by her smile, not by her big, full baby with the belly, but because there's empty Amazon Prime boxes everywhere. Which means Thomas has paid the credit card bill. Exactly. And he's coming over to put the crib together. The nanny's like, could you imagine what we'd do if we didn't have Thomas coming over to make the crib? I'm like, well, I can imagine that you'd be on the road to a less codependent relationship so yes i could imagine that also look you two are already criminally stupid do you really need a fiberglass i'm not fiberglass what's that kind of plexiglass crib that your kid they look like they're in one of

those check cashing centers behind something that you can't stab them through i know and. And I love that Thomas is extolling the virtues of this new house. He's like, I'm very happy that Catherine has found a place in a family-friendly neighborhood. Cut to the families closing their blinds and hiding and contacting the realtor. Let's get on a rad pad. Here goes the neighborhood. It's crazy watching all these people put up fences at the same time. Must be a coincidence Why does everyone always do a reverse egoist when I come into this neighborhood?

All those shutters are just closing Well, look here, Catherine I took this note off your door It's a homeowner's association letter It says, please stop just stopping in the neighborhood Okay Hey, Catherine, you got a funny neighborhood. They keep acting like it's Halloween, leaving bags of shit

on your doorstep. Don't step in it. Flaming shit on the doorstep, just as I always imagined Catherine's home would be. How nice of them to throw a brick through the window, throw their way of sand. Congratulations on building a family with this brick.

Thomas is always saying everything with his mayor hands he's like this enables me to see kinsey at any time what are you what are you running for who are you talking to it's not a speech you fucking moron uh crib builders association of america the cbaa so um yeah so he's he builds the crib and katherine's going on and on about she's proudly on about who knows what about being i don't remember what actually he's kind of started it because oh she says because craig asked shep if he was gonna invite katherine to this out of town thing and shep's like well gosh cameron and whitney told me not to he's like yeah but i thought you were like you you know, like there's Darth Vader and then you're like the nice one.

And you're not sure if you're going to stab your dad in the stomach yet. You know what I mean? He's like, no, gosh. Gosh, Craig, what movie are you even talking about? Look, just please invite Catherine. What if I get lost and I have to bury my my dick in a hole? Like, please. All right. She's my guy. We have a buddy system. I don't want your wiener to get cold. What if I get lost and I have to bury my dick in a hole? Like, please. Roy.

She's my guy. We have a buddy system. I don't want your wiener to get cold. So he calls her and she's like, thank you, but I can't. I have a high-risk pregnancy. Landon could murder my baby at any moment. Yeah. Catherine has a high-risk non-pregnant state.

She's always in a state of Perhaps getting pregnant The worst that's gonna happen You're gonna stab that baby in the brain While you're using a box cutter To open one of those 30,000 boxes You're getting from Amazon Prime every day Ding dong Yeah so then

She's talking about how she really liked How she was invited to this weekend Because she's starting to feel like she's part of the gang again. Then Thomas says like a million things I didn't understand. He's like, well, when Landon offered me a palm leaf,

I said, I'm T-Rex and that's T-Raph. What the fuck was happening in this part? I rewound it and I was still like, what? He was basically just trying to build a crib and just he was on autopilot with his talking. Who got a palm leaf? Is that from the

Bible? Oh, I guess it is. Isn't that when they welcome Jesus home? I don't know. I'm Jewish. Well, the thing is that you can't even read the book. We don't want you to know who this Jesus is or what happens to him, okay? So I think at this point was when Catherine says, are you going to stay over?

I don't want you to stay over. I think that's when she says it. Or maybe we don't see that. I don't know. But the point is that Thomas is going to go to the mountains, but only for the day. He's not going to stay over because – or one night or you know because i care about you i want to be here with you it's like why just stay there yeah so which was a trap because she wanted him to say that he wants to stay with her so then we then cameron goes to therapy and she's like uh i'm coming to

therapy because i just want to know why I don't want to have a baby. I think they're disgusting and needy, and I really hate that, and I love having control of things. I don't like being the passenger in a car unless I know exactly who the driver is, which is why I always take over. When Uber picks me up, I always make him ride in the backseat, and I drive the Uber home. I'm just afraid of what my kid would be like. That kid will walk right into kindergarten and start judging everybody. you know like that one's a hooker don't invite that one i mean you have to invite everybody in the class no thanks my biggest fear would be that my baby wouldn't judge anyone that would be terrible um i love that katherine goes to therapy and takes

notes that was hilarious she's like sitting there with a legal padme huge pen she's like all right i'm here for therapy tell me what i need to know like it's all in a note and then the therapist is like honey were you born here she's like yeah well the south yeah now uh tell me what i need to do and also if you have a recipe for a roasted rat like a lamb that'd be great the last one tasted like dish soap i I mean, no one would say it, but I tasted it. Like, maybe you shouldn't have a kid. That's what I'm saying. Well, my husband keeps saying I should have kids everywhere we go. He's just saying, you should have a kid.

And I think, ugh. Holy, Cameron, you and your wacky storylines. One minute you're trying to make a steak, the next minute a baby. I mean, what the heck, wacky Cameron? I just do not want to bring a baby into this world that wants to be in the real world. I mean, when I was on it, it was fine. But nowadays, the real world is terrible. So Shep calls his mom.

He's like, well, I was just getting ready for this trip, Mom. That's all right. I did everything for you. There's a maid, and I've even got the grill to work and he's like gosh thanks mom and then landon goes and meets with her sister and the first you know they talk a little bit about my travel blog isn't katherine a bitch and i love that they just started talking shit about katherine they're like does katherine even have a job or a skill? And she's like, I think it's pretty obvious she has one skill.

Sleeping on her back, being a slut. Catherine's like a calorie count. It's only on the back. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. But I like that Landon's resting faces with that squint it's always squinting and like it's squinty wide-eyed at the same time if that makes any sense and her sister's resting look is like like she's looking at landon squinting all the time and trying not to barf she's like

well she like that what's she like and i love how the show is trying to make landon look like an uber bitch for saying these things but you know everyone's thinking it i'm sorry like but with with katherine and t-rav they're both a disaster and everyone's thinking the same thing and landon and cameron are being you know they're getting the bitch edit this season which i love but you know they're all saying this shit they're not villains for saying it they're a totally dysfunctional couple who keep saying one thing and keep going back to each other and then knocking each other up you know like it is a

bitch so oh my god her sister's like oh katherine pregnant twice at 22 with a man twice her age and nothing going for her i'm like have you seen the amazon prime boxes in her house like what more do you need she got a hundred things delivered today bitch what did you get it's like what are her skills for the travel blog and then yeah and she's like what are her skills and then landon makes it on her back joke but landon you don't have any skills either you can't get a job because you can't do anything at least that girl did some work on her back and you know now has a house what do you have yeah she Yeah. But I love Bitchy Landon. Bitchy Landon's great. She's always does that.

I'm like, I'm sorry. I'm like, she'll either do, I'm sorry, or I'm not going to say sorry for it. But I like when people try and pretend like they're the ones with all this self-respect because Catherine's a slut. Like, she's fucked three of the guys. Well, you fucked Thomas and you're trying to fuck Shep and the only reason you haven't fucked Whitney is because you don't have

enough money to even get in his mom's living room. So, shut up. So then we go to Craig visiting Catherine. Catherine pours him some soda in this totally bizarre wine glass. That was like an hourglass. And Craig,

it was like Law and Order Part 2. Now it was Craig's turn to be the investigator. And he's like, so, like, why does Whitney hate you so much? Like, I think he might have feelings for you. And she's like, well, like, I haven't really told people this, but we didn't just have sex. Like, we hung out for like a week, which is like a long-term relationship for both of us so um you may have felt feelings i don't think

that anyone knew the extent of our relationship um we've already known this news i don't know why the internet is acting like this is the craziest news ever but we saw uh they showed a clip of last or the first season i guess where patricia was taking women's clothes out of his room i think that was on the show wasn't it it was this this i loved the sequence because it was treated like the like a bombshell moment this again was a usual suspects kind of moment like all the flashbacks and she's like um well we did hook up we did have fun i did ask me to move in so and you know it's kind of funny because like i had only like hooked up with thomas once but then um i got into a relationship with whitney and then we went to a party and i knew that thomas

would be there like i'm excited because then i could like you know make thomas jealous about being with whitney and then that night I left with Thomas. I'm like, why is it crazy that Whitney hates this woman? Okay. They had a burgeoning something and she left with Thomas, the best friend. It was totally shady. Of course Whitney isn't good. Yeah.

She's a total asshole. That whole story. I mean, we knew that she had hooked up with Whitney, but we didn't know that it was this mean. I mean, she really was bad. But I can't feel bad for Whitney because what a douchebag. Of course she's 20. I mean, at this time I think she was like 20 years old, right?

So gross. Like, you fucking old disgusting pig. Like, at least try and talk to someone your old age. I mean, your own age. And then when he's talking to the house guest, Roger, who, I mean, seems like an employee bottom to me. But anyway, they're talking to Roger, and he's like, yeah, that Catherine, you know, she's the ancestor of Vice President Calhoun. I mean, her last name is on every Capitol. You know, it's like on every building in the Capitol.

It's named after her family. I was like, great. Yeah, and her twat is 20. So please stop. And Whitney is like licking his lips. You know, I know. I think that Whitney did have feelings. And I think that also Whitney

saw her a little bit as like a trophy. Like, and it's funny because it's like our 10th theory about Whitney and Catherine. We used to have one that they were that he was gay and she was his beard. But I do think that he was excited. Like she was the one that everyone wanted

and that he had her and he was excited about it. And I think that he did have a crush on her too. And then on top of that, like she then totally used him and was totally bitchy. So I think he had feelings. And on top of that, she did something totally shady. So like I think his anger and his disdain for her is totally reasonable and makes sense. And I don't know why people are acting like he's crazy for acting that way except for maybe the fact that he's, you know, late 40s and she's 22 and that he should have better things to do. But you know what?

Who cares? We're podcasters. We're all up in these people's lives. It's old men fighting over a little girl. I mean it's the same thing. And whoever wins her – it is like a trophy. I think you're absolutely right. It's these old dudes trying to win something when you're both child molesters just stop it's disgusting

they're also bored they're also bored and katherine is just great fodder for conversation i'm sorry and then she he they even show this clip i love all this extra clips they were showing from season one when they're at this party where she ended up running off with Thomas. And he even tells her, he's like, don't throw me under the bus, okay? She's like, what do you mean? He said, well, don't be flirting with Thomas. And she's like, yeah, oh, no, don't tell Thomas that we were together or whatever. For some reason it was a secret. I didn't get that part.

And then she said, I already made it clear that we didn't hook up to Thomas. And he's like, make it more clear. Yeah. So why would Thomas be mad if you had her? Oh, I guess because Thomas had her first. Never mind. I just answered my own question. That girl's been passed around like a tray of little tiny weenies at Leanne's propane backyard.

Yeah, but she's also been an active part of it. Everyone has blood on their hands. So now it's time to go to Asheville or go to Linville by way of Asheville. So everyone's packing. And by the way, I feel like this is the first time we ever heard Cameron's husband's voice. His voice, we heard it on the telephone. Thought that was noteworthy. Yeah, everybody, that's what happens when you don't force your husband to come on TV.

He actually still likes you. He sounded happy. So then everyone piles into a party bus. And I loved it because there were all these brief moments of awkward sadness for people. Because at one point, everyone's talking about JD. And Landon's like, oh, I hope that JD comes. And they cut to Craig and Naomi looking sad. And then a second later, Shep is like, yeah, Bailey's getting close to being my girlfriend.

And they cut to Landon being sad. I'm like, wow, everyone just keeps on making everyone sad. They were also so bored with each other. This cast really has like zero in common unless they're drunk. I guess like most casts. But they were riding in that bus together. And they're like, so what's going on? Nothing.

What are you doing? And then Shep eating the cream cheese off the knife. Yeah, that girl wants to like get married but no one's gonna change me gosh no one then craig's like wow it looks like we've arrived in nashville like gosh craig we're in ashville not nashville he did something stupid like that last season every season he said something so boneheaded like very porsche williams and then Shep treats him like an idiot. And he's like, yo, I can't marry that girl. She hasn't even seen Dumber Dumber.

I was like, what? Oh, good. And of course, Whitney has to make a bait bus joke on the bus. So Whitney is like, look, I can still jerk off to porn. I'm not that old. We get it, Whitney. Your penis still works but then um i liked after craig confused ashville with nashville when chef goes well you know like give him a break he is

running a major bourbon company he has a lot on his plate i was like oh chef that's like sort of like a watcher crappens kind of dig i liked it a bitch. Oh my god, every time they show Shep getting mad at these guys, he is such a little bitch. He is a total bitch, but he's like a funny bitch to me. He always cracks me up. Yeah, I like him too. The bitchier he is, the funnier I think he is. Yeah, I like him too. He's just like a little petty bitch.

So then they get to Asheville and they're walking around and T-Rav is excited just to be T-Rav. Let him T-Rav out. Is this T-Rex or T-Rav is excited just to be T-Rav, letting T-Rav out. Is this T-Rex or T-Rav? You decide. You just got an Amazon delivery. Who's that?

He got an Amazon delivery and it's my penis. There's no box, just me. So T-Rav is hitting on everything on the street. There's some young female street busker and he's like, so, are you into the grunge movement? Garrett's big. That girl was 12.

He's like, hey, y'all like the grunge movement? Hey, where you got Pearsons there, hun? Aren't they interesting? Aren't those girls cool? Yeah, his references were twice as old As her age Fiona Apple

How come she's always in a bad mood Am I right Where's Meryl Bainbridge these days Am I right you a big fan of her also Are you more of a Ringo Or more Beatles or monkeys not the animals now girls

what about Jill Sobule how you feel about her huh she's pretty hot well someone makes another Kissinger reference it's like old men chasing young puss so then they basically the whole gang is together they go from like bar to bar.

It looks super fun, actually. They get to like a little club where there's music playing. And Shep's like, gosh, I love bluegrass. Cuts up to you, Rob, being like, I hate bluegrass. And then giving a fist bump and a high five to Whitney. I fucking hate bluegrass and my rap brother. And then JD and then Elizabeth show up. and they're like going into the next place and jd is so jd he starts slapping the guys on the butt as they walk and he's like ladies oh it is a white guy thing yeah it is someone tell

robin yeah don't say you never get answers from watch what crap happens okay it has been confirmed robin officially a white guy who pat each other on the butt for no reason and say ladies meanwhile thomas is inside hitting on more teenagers and screaming hey could you play some grunge and loser somebody play candle box where's candle box oh this was good he's coming on to this wasted girl and i love whatever town this is this is ashville that they're in right so they're in this town it's like the big disco but it looks like every club you know from our everyone's hometown but this girl comes up she's wearing like a laura ashley It's, like, a super flowery crop top. And he's like, hey there, baby.

You want to dance with me? And she's like, buy me a drink. And he's like, okay, coming up. And then she immediately goes to Shep. She's like, how are you? What do you want to do? And then Shep's like, yeah, I got the girl. Gosh.

And then he starts, like, swing dancing with her. I know. Oh, God. I like Thomas's line where he goes to her he goes you have very hot cheekbones she's like oh thank you he goes and i don't mean up there i'm like then he like caresses her butt like meanwhile this is when we found out that the reason why um like he's not gonna to be staying overnight up at the mountain house is because of Landon. Because Catherine doesn't want Thomas staying overnight with Landon. So it's funny.

So he'll honor this Landon thing, but then he'll act like a skeeve to all these other girls and that's fine. Yeah, on camera. And be just fine. Yeah. But then we also found out that Thomas – oh, I guess it's the next day. Thomas says that he confronted Landon at the club and is like – he's like, what happened with that invitation to Shepik 2015? And she's like – I heard someone went in the pool.

And she's like, of course, I invited her. I invited everyone. And he's like, but may I see the invitation? She's like of course i invited her invited everyone and he's like but may i see the invitation she's like no it's like why not it's like well because i didn't invite her and i'm not sorry sorry not even i'm not even sorry that i'm not sorry okay end of story poor girl can't even lie well and she doesn't even get good practice like she can't even learn from practicing lying because she does the same thing later when seth confronts her he's like gosh thomas told me that you lot because thomas is like she i caught her in a manipulation of a lie that's dysfunctional shut up thomas so seth's, he said he caught you in a lie. Did you invite Catherine?

She's like, yes. He's like, are you lying? Yeah, I'm lying. I'm sorry. Like, get over it. Like, whatever. Sorry, not sorry. Sorry.

So then they all go. they go up to the mountains cam cam and whitney by the way rented a car because they were afraid the bus would fall off the mountain so that's good news that shows that whitney is driver approved for cameron so congratulations they probably didn't want to watch shep eating cream cheese off a knife anymore while he spittled all over everybody talking about the teenagers he's fucking. Exactly. So then they drove up. They drove to this beautiful town,

these scenic Appalachian vistas, etc. And they arrive at Shep's grandparents' house and Craig goes, I love that you're not poor. Shut up, Craig. I'm trying to see where I am. That's's funny i didn't even hear him say that yeah he said that he's like i love that you're not poor um we saw a picture of chef's grandpa who i think was george bush if i'm not mistaken that was george bush wasn't it it looked so much like george bush that was crazy he's like everyone in my family is a lawyer a judge like

when i was a little boy i used to sit with my grandpa and i do the new york times crossword puzzle with him and if i missed one he'd tickle me until i couldn't take it anymore i'd be like Gosh, Grandpa. I was... What has ten letters, starts with G and ends with A? Gosh, Grandpa. Remember that time when I couldn't spell Ecclesiastes and I almost died of suffocation? Gosh, Grandpa. Remember that time when I wanted to do the crossword and you're like,

Sorry, I've got a presidential election to attend to. Gosh, Grandpa. Remember that time I was trying to come up with the worst supervillain of all time and you said, kill the terrorists or you're not a patriot and I couldn't fit it into the squares and you almost tickled my armpits off? Gosh, Grandpa. Remember that time when you let Dan quayle do the crossword instead i was like gosh grandpa oh my god could you imagine george bush george w bush as your

father doing the crossword puzzle with you that shit is hilarious well no george w was not his scram of george george oh i call up Dick and have him change this. This doesn't fit. This word just doesn't fit. Here, I'll put two letters in this box. There we go. The New York Times. If you're not with us, you're against us, New York Times. Bunch of terrorists putting words that don't fit, trying to confuse the president.

So then anyway, J.D. and Craig go for a little walk. J.D. does his thing where he's like, he basically adopts the tone of a father teaching his kid about sex for the first time. It's like, hey, Craig, you're not still sore about what happened the other night. Well, maybe a little bit. No, well, I don't want you to be too sad. Well, well, I'm just a little sad, Dad. Oh, well, so, you know, Danny, you know, I think she'd be... It's not that I don't want you to take the position, Craig.

It's just that I want someone who can bring something to the table. And, you know, you just don't... Son! Listen, Danny can bring something to the table she's a waiter you're more of one of those guys who walks around taking the plates away you know what I mean son

well uh you mean like a hostess oh Craig you're grounded boy Craig I've got some bad news I had to take the dog back Oh, Craig. You're grounded, boy. Craig, I've got some bad news. I had to take the dog back and shoot him in the head. He was getting too old.

I had to put him down, Craig. You mean the farm? By the dog, I mean your dreams. JD would do that. He wouldn't even say, I took the puppy to the farm where it'll be happy. He's like, I chopped the puppy's head off because I pooped on the carpet, Craig. Today's the day you become a man, Craig. Today's the man you put a bullet through that

pet deer you've been bringing around. Go ahead. So he basically tells Craig, listen, I'm like, after I do too many JD impersonations, I literally can't talk. My throat is still stretched out.

House of cards. So basically, JD's like, hey, so it's not that you can't lead. It's just that you can't lead right now, and I'm going to teach you. And in the meantime, I want to bring Danny on. that you can't lead right now, and I'm going to teach you. And in the meantime, I want to bring Danny on. So, hey, her big concern is that she's worried about how, like, that your feelings would be upset.

So, you know, this weekend, why don't you, like, say some things to reassure her that it'll be okay? So JD basically is telling Craig, hey, you know that position you really want? I'm not going to give it to you, and I'd like you to help me get the girl who I want to give the position to instead. Now think of it this way. Come March or April, do you want to be bringing Doritos to the table or taking them away? Because you'll be doing both. Would you talk to Danny, by the way, while we're here?

I was like, what? What kind of pep talk was that? Oh, awful. And Craig deserves every second. Craig, being a busboy isn't bad because everyone, you like buses, don't you? You like big cars with wheels? Well, kind of.

Come on, I know you like that big yellow bus with the wheels going around. I do kind of really like it a lot. See? So you can be a busboy! As in, you can be a busboy. I guess I have you can be a bus, boy. Well, I guess I have to study for a different kind of license now. Stupid Craig. Jamie, I will say this.

You may be a tough boss, but at least you're not poor. Thanks for that. Thanks for not being poor. Jennifer visits Catherine and the nanny. I love this poor nanny. You know how much shit this poor nanny has had to deal with over the course of her life. So Jennifer comes over and she's like, Hi there.

How are you, honey? She's like, great. Me and Thomas are doing really great. He bought me things. Look, he bought me a couch. So, yeah, we're happy. Really? Because, you know, remember when he knocked you up two times and then refused to give you money and then, you know, all that stuff and slept with all those people.

Yeah, but, you know, the couch is comfortable, right? Look at that chair at see-through. It was $1,000. Yeah. She basically was like yeah hashtag couch um yeah so yeah so jennifer just has to smile and be like i can't believe this is my role on this show and then katherine trying to make it about like even though she's probably right about jennifer being a bad one you know, this was an easy call,

but had to say it the first time I saw it. I was like, of course. That's the one. She bitches you. She bitches you about the man. She bitches. And then when she finally breaks up with the man, it's something you, or when she finally goes back with the man,

it's like something you did. Like, Ben's just a jealous bitch. He doesn't like my boyfriend. So we're not friends anymore. It's like, uh, Jennifer had to listen to all this shit. You watch. Catherine will be like, fuck her. She doesn't support my boyfriend so we're not friends anymore like uh jennifer had to listen to all this shit you watch katherine will be like fuck her she doesn't support me and tom she doesn't support my new couch yeah she yeah exactly meanwhile jennifer's like hey cooper is it you or is it me who's on katherine duty he's like well i'll say it's you oh shucks all right gotta

go sit on that damn couch again i'm still waiting waiting outside Patricia's home, so you do what you need to. So meanwhile, back up in North Carolina, Whitney is uncorking wine, and he's now making the 30th pullout joke of the episode. They were playing Jenga earlier. It's like, hey, Thomas, hey, I can pull out this piece. I'm good at pulling out. The key is to pull out fast, right? Well, obviously not. You obviously need to pull out a little faster than that thomas yeah he's always making jokes about his own pullout i mean look if you didn't pull out one time and you had a baby

okay but twice same on ye twice same on us twice same on me let me said bush and i can't get any of that shit right and by the way way to go Bravo, for quietly endorsing the pullout method on this show and Potomac as if it's a viable form of birth control. It is so like it's been proven to be so wrong. It does not work. And that's how people get knocked up by accident. The pullout method does not work. And here you have Ashley on Potomac talking about doing the pullout method for four years. And I have these guys bragging about doing the pulloutout method i mean i know it's a joke what do you mean the pull-out method doesn't work i got a couch

the only thing i'm the pull-out method works the best when you pull a couch out of a box i can't wait to scrape those legs onto my new couch. Thomas. Thomas. Come back. Thomas, you forgot the throw pillows. As the show ends,

they're all, the people up in North Carolina are hanging out, chit-chatting chatting and, you know, talking shit about Catherine, about this and that. The usual stuff that we all talk about. The usual stupid Whitney at every turn. Well, first he comes up to Craig at the barbecue. They're making Craig cook everything, which why would you do that? You know, he's going to burn everything. He was freaking out.

He's like the spatulas the spatulas it's like what are these things they're like spoon but i can't hold soup in them they're spatulas you idiot so he's trying to flip a steak and then whitney comes up behind me he's like is there salt oh god you idiot you don't even know how to do this you're an idiot you don't even know how to grill so they're already sniping at each other and so when they sit down to eat whitney's like that stupid slut katherine i don't even know why anybody hangs out with her that dumb whore user bitch blah blah well they were so the reason why they were talking about it is because they were they were i think they were wishing that thomas was there but like well katherine wouldn't let him because he uh because if he stayed up here with landon she

would get stressed out and would imperil the baby and up here with landon she would get stressed out and would imperil the baby and then they're like well she'd be stressed out no matter what if he goes there if he comes home she'll be stressed he stays here she'll be stressed and they're like well it's a high-risk pregnancy and they're like well and she uses that card you know she was they're like she certainly you know gets some mileage out of that one and then that's when at around this point and then that's when whitney is like he says yeah of course she does because she's like a lunatic or whatever and that's when craig's like well do you think that i forget what he said but something along the lines of like don't you think you're just

like upset because she left you for your best friend and thomas goes what and it's like dun dun dun to be continued. And Whitney looks furious. It's gotta kill Whitney that he hates her so much and cannot get her fired from the show. I mean, that girl, we can say whatever we want, but Whitney is one of the creators of this show. He should be able to fire whoever the hell he wants, and he can't. He doesn't want her fired because Catherine and Thomas are what gives the show its edge. It drives the entire show, so it can't be without them. Well, that brings us to the end of that.

No one ate a decent steak, and Catherine got a couch. Pretty much sums it up. We did it. We did it. Everybody, you're great. Thank you so much for listening to watch what crappins come to patreon.com slash watch what crappins for all the bonies and go to facebook.com slash watch what crappins to talk to us and everyone else and go over also to watch what crappins.com with all

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