Watch What Crappens - #2949 Below Deck S12E09: Kell On Earth

Episode Date: July 29, 2025

A very drunk lady named Kelly arrives on the boat, screams at Democrats, and enters Bravo lore.  Below Deck finally gives us something to watch besides a tired love rhombus (although, that’s still there too).  To watch this recap on video, listen to our Love Island bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Watcher Crappins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today without his sunglasses. Wow. Ronnie, welcome those beautiful new eyes here to Watcher Crapins. Hi, Ronnie, Karen. What's going on? Hello. I'm still a little bruised and swollen, but I don't feel like wearing glasses today.

So deal with it. I'm the least bruised and swollen I've been. So you know what? It's a gradual process, okay? It's like healing. It's very nice and very lovely, and your eyes look beautiful. So everyone, welcome to Below Deck Day, just when I was going to start complaining that Below Deck was kind of boring me this season,

in comes this episode to give me the sort of belly laughs I really needed on a Monday. I mean, really just a plus work by wretched, drunken, guess. I was just so happy. I, it was what, it was just, it's what I needed to start the week. It made me so thrilled. I was like, because for a while there, I was like, am I going to have to sit through the love rambus again?

Is it just, it's like endless with these people making out that I don't care about, but thankfully it wasn't promising at the start, did it? It wasn't. But then Kelly came along and she was like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to be every single Ronnie Karam character you've ever

seen rolled up in the one person. Democrats! Democrats! Democrats! Democrats! Democrats! She was hilarious. So awful, she became legendary.

I don't know if we have anything to announce except to say thank you for everyone who came both to our Amazon Live last night. That's still up. You can still check it out. And, you know, we recommended lots of fun stuff. Ronnie gave us an insight into some of his iconic. and famous face care routine. So we has recommendations for that.

And I recommended three cookbooks that all feature some nice, fresh, healthy recipes. So that's on Amazon Live. And then we also did Crappy Hour. Thanks to Misha for joining us from the Big Flop. We had a really great time. And then, of course, thanks to all the listeners who showed up and commented and engaged. We always appreciate that. And of course, on Patreon.com slash watch for Crappins.

You can watch, not just listen with Crappins on Demand. So hi, everyone there. We did a really fun bonus episode this week where we talked about our entire experience in Las Vegas, the highs and of the highs, going to the Backstreet Boys concerts, the Lows of the Lows, having my flight just up and canceled by Delta and me having to suddenly drive out and through the desert out of the last minute to Vegas. So it was a really fun time. So go check that out. And that's all that there is about that. Let's get into some below deck, shall we? Yacht Club, I'll des soul.

It seems Martin. So everybody's fucking, basically, making out, doing their thing, a bunch of mids, bonin, basically. You know who's really hot, Jess? My gosh, she was on Watch What Happens, which I didn't watch. Well, I watched a little clip that was on Instagram,

kind of, but, you know, it's boring because it was below deck people. No offense, below deck people, but I don't know. Don't talk on shows. Just talk on your own show. Don't do interview shows, because they're like, ugh.

Because no one's ever spicy. on those shows, you know? Everyone's in service. So by the time they get to the show, they're just like, I'm so sorry. He was like, whoa, we bet you kissing her and then kissing her and then kissing her, but then, I'll be going back and kissing her, but then kissing her. And she's like, well, I take full responsibility for it because it wasn't cool, but, you know, thinking back on it, I take full responsibility. So blood deck people on Watch What Happens Live are always like, I'm sorry, but God, she's gorgeous. Damn. Yeah, I didn't watch.

I didn't watch. She is she's a hottie, but she's also a fuck girl. I guess is that the equivalent? Is that the analog of the fuck boy? I think it's just a fuck boy is fine. I don't know. Fuck girl sounds weird, right? I mean, I know she is.

It does sound weird. We'll just say her. She's just a fuck boy. She's got fuck boy behavior. Also, she is hot. No, just kidding. Well, they always are. Also, what I was going to say is you were completely right last week because I

call. I was like, you know, I think no. I think, you know, maybe she has like some playboy, you know, attitudes or whatever, but I think she really means it with Barbara. And then immediately like, and you were like, no, that's a fuck boy. And then five minutes later. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Like, yeah, it's crazy. This, she's, she's actually one of the fastest moving fuck boys we've seen on Bravo. I mean, she was kind of like, she trumped carl in his heyday. Jesse, what's Jesse what's Solomon? Um, many of Bannerpump rules, people. She really, she moved with with a speed that was alarming.

And I thought shitty too, I would also like to add. Yeah, I was shitty. And, you know, not to excuse her, okay, but just to make excuses for her. Because that's totally different. I think maybe it's probably different when you're like used to being the only gay person. Because, you know, once you're presented with multiple opportunities, gay people on below deck aren't used to that, you know? It's like there's usually, you're the only one, if there is any.

And if there are more than that, I think is, and they're both into you, it's like, whoa, not, you know, Sun Lane's not gay, but she's under the umbrella. So I think she's just like, whoa, what do I do? There's so many opportunities. Yeah, yeah, I think she was definitely kid in a candy shop. But guess what? You work on a yacht, not a candy shop. So stop doing that. I thought it was, I think especially I was angry because we love Barbara so much. And I was like, don't you do that to Barbara? Barbara is the hero of the season for us. Don't play with her heart like that.

Okay. Don't play with her bangs. Her beautiful curly bangs. Don't do that. Barbara's not one of those girlfriends who's just, you know, just like some freely like play thing. I think Barbara was like have a farm, you know? She'd like have a farm.

She'd like have planted a fall crop for you and your children. You know? She's a true. She's like a shown all your clothes or something. She's like a true real deal lesbian. Like you make out with her, you're signing a contract for nine years, you know? And she's like, what, you already reneged that quickly?

Like, you know, she's like, uh-uh, not going to happen. Yeah. So Fraser is talking to Jess, and she's like, oh, yes, I did kiss Barbara like you told me. And Barbara's like, you know, I haven't been with gay girl for so long. But, you know, she's a good girl. I like her. And I'm having a good time. But it just changed so quickly.

I'm like, it's crazy. I'm so happy. Like, you know, here we are. So in love. And then immediately. it's over yeah and and then they're like you know sitting with each other and being cute and jess is like don't be awkward now she's like i'm not awkward she's like you're so awkward it's like flirty post kiss banter you know and bar you know barbara's like she is being a little awkward but

because i think barbara has finally maybe opened herself up to the possibility of maybe something with jess because jess beg her incessantly last episode it was like non-stop like don't you feel like there's something with you and me because i've like there's something with you and me. Let's kiss. I feel like we have something. I think we should get married. And Barbara's like, fine, fine, fine. So begging and begging and begging. Now that it's happened. Then we go over to

Kyle. I literally said, I don't want to kiss anybody else but you. Yeah. Literally sold a blatant lie. So then we go over to Kyle, who goes over to Salane and he's like, well, I've got something to say to you. She's like, oh, I'm listening to you? She's like, well, you know,

I thought we were going good, but I felt horrible. But you and Jess were, went and did your thing. So I'm taking my name out of Therese. Like, I'm going to stop trying to kiss you. I'm going to stop trying to cuddle. But I will keep reminding Jess that we did kiss in the closet this morning. And he tells us, yes, I'm definitely a mama's boy.

You know, whenever I'm sad, she just tells me, get the fuck over it. Your wuss, slaps me on the back of the head. Nothing of your shit. Get on with it. Like, really? Because you need her. I think you need her here to slap you on the head and tell you that. So he's like, okay.

I'm so glad the show stopped everything to be like, okay, stop. Kyle is sad right now. Let's see how this relates to his mother. Okay, now the show is back up again. But I don't think we got an Instagram wall. So that was good. We did. We did get one.

What's even on his Instagram wall? I think I just ignore those. That's why they don't bother me. I think they just, I think I just filtered them out or something. But like, what's even on there? Is it him like drinking a pint?

I would just imagine it's him drinking pints in different, you know, fashions of kilt or something. I think so. I try not to actually look at the pictures anymore because they make me so mad. The Instagram walls because now that I've like declared that they make me mad, they actually make me angrier and angrier with each subsequent episodes. So I have now so much rage against them because I've now gone down a path. I imagine his is like, you know, like the, a pint he's drinking or a peeky blinders meme,

you know, maybe like the goat he took to prom or some shit. Standing on top of like a small mountain top with his shirtless with his hands out, you know, that's a classic thing that yacht like decans do. Yeah. And their photos. Yeah. A lot of things covered in mud, you know, where you're like, why is he muddy? You know, stuff like that.

So then he breaks up with her basically, even though they're not dating. He's one of those guys who got dumped like weeks ago. And then he's like, you're ugly anyway. Because she dumped you already. So he's like, oh, so good, you know, let's say cats. Good game. Good game. So they shake and shake, uh-oh, I've been now scorned by two people in row. This one has happened. I'm not children.

So she goes right into gear to get somebody else on the hook because this girl is not going to take. One person breaks up with you. You know if you get broken up with too many times, you're out of there. So she gets to work. Yeah, exactly. She really does. Meanwhile, Anthony is eating ribs and rainbow is eating a salad. And then, which I don't know, it's actually funny because I did like sort of pause and like think about, I like had like a moment where I thought about their process of why they decided on those things. It's not really relevant for the podcast. So Anthony's like Fisa and I, sometimes we need to put everything on the table.

And I think the best way to keep a relationship is like a friendship like this, you know. And, you know, I feel good, you know. Like I feel like me and Fraser like we broke the tension. I was like, you, you smash your hand and. to a switch on the wall and then Fraser came in and said, enough with this already. What is the problem? And then you simpered for a moment and then it was done. And he's acting like they had, they're on top of, they went to some like Miraval

or something and like did a sound bath and had this giant therapeutic cleansing. It's like you guys, Clay Brasier said, just get over it. And you said, okay, I'll get over it. And it was done. Meanwhile, he's sitting here talking about how while he's gotten over somebody betraying him because he got it out on the table while he's sitting there eating with somebody who just betrayed him, Rainbow. Also, I wish Rainbow had heard Kyle's confessional about his mom smacking him on the back of the head and telling him to get the fuck over it. She would have got, she would have been so triggered. I know what that's

like. It's so hard. So then we go to, oh, he's just, oh, now he's talking to Fraser. And he's like, oh, no, we just see the flashback to yesterday. I'm sorry. So then, um, we're just, um, we go to Sulein and Damo because she's got to get somebody back, you know, she's the bombshell. So she's like, with no sunshine, there's no rain, which isn't, I mean, I guess that's true, but that's not the saying, right? Like, it's got a rain. I don't actually know the saying, actually. Yeah, there can't be rain without rain, meaning like, you know, once it's, when the things are bad, then, you know, that's when the rain. There might be a rainbow. Yeah, this is a stupid saying, Because it's kind of like, the saying should really be like when it rains, sometimes once in a while, rare enough that people stop and look at it, there's a rainbow.

But usually there's not one. When shitty things happen, sometimes it's just a shitty thing and you have to deal with it. Yeah. I just like to say, you know, sometimes great and all, but it also causes cancer. That's my saying. So when someone's like giving me toxic positivity. Yeah. Yeah.

Thunder always happens when it rains. you know. Is that the lyric? Yeah. It's also a lie. It happens when it rains. Yeah, it's just, I needed a moment for the Fleetwood Mac sounds to kick into my head.

And it was like, it's like coming to light. It's like, loading up a CD player. It's like crawling up a hill. Like, I'm coming. I'm coming to you. By the way, that's a lie.

I don't know where Fleetwood Mac have been living, but I'm just going to say that right now. Sometimes when it rains, there's no thunder. I think there's just so many fallacies about all these, all these cute sayings about rain. I think something's just rain. Songs lie. Songs lie.

Yeah, songs are fucking liars. You know the biggest lying song that's ever been written? What? Mbop. Mbop. Mbap. Mbap. Yeah.

The big lie. The big lie. Mbop. Hanson fucking liars. Yeah. So she's like, what not sunshine, that, no rainbow? And he's like, tell me what happened with you and the girls today. And so they gossip about the girls kissing.

And he's like, you don't like that? No, me completely. I'm completely okay with everything. I just shortened eyebrow. I just shortened eyebrow a little bit. I'm fine with it. I don't care. I'm not about it at all, which is why I'm flirting with my 19th person on the boat.

Attention. Please give me attention. I really like Jess. And I just really want people happy. But if she feels bad when she saw me kissing you, sounds bad, like, you know, like she likes me, but she's scared to like me more. And Demos, like, so what? Does it happen to you lot? People being scared to like you. She's like, no, because I'm hot. He's like, really? Because you don't think the same thing

happened with Stilly. She's like, oh, Steeley. Oh, shit. Another person who broke up with me today. Okay, we really need to make up now. Make out. Yeah, but Stilly wasn't scared to like her. Demos so full of shit. So she's like, I don't like it. I feel like baby shit in street. Like people don't doesn't want to look at this. I'm not like, yeah, this, I don't like feeling. But of course, I'm human. I have art.

Big art. Big art. But most of time, I try to hide. Because if I look like I don't have heart, I'm rock and stuff like that. People don't care. She's like explaining gray rocking. I like that she watched a season finale of Vanderpump Rules before she got on the boat. She's like, I'm like rock gray.

Lock gray baby poop in the street. She's like baby poop. It's like if a baby ate a rock and pooped out the rock, what she would be. What's going on in France that you all are just letting your baby shit all over the street? I mean, come on now. I just like how she's like, she's like,

I just feel like baby poop in the street. People just want to avoid me. She's like, I would like someone to step in me. I want someone to put their foot in the baby poop. So then demo is, what are you going to do? She's like, I'm d'enguatel. So, basically

meaning I'm ignoring it. I'm just going to continue being hot and wait to trap somebody else. So now, Fraser announces that it's time to get out in 30 minutes. So Damo tells Salane that he's in love with her, and he doesn't want her kissing Jess or Stilly anymore. And she's like, I don't trust you. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappence commercial.

So now it's time. Fraser reminds everybody to tip the gorgeous waitress. Which I thought it was going to be a, they were setting up some drama, like they were all pulling together the tips and someone's not going to tip and who's the one who's not going to tip and I can't believe this person didn't tip. And no, no, they just, they just tipped the waitress. That's it. Yeah. So then Salina still talking to demo and she's like, normally I don't think. Yeah, well.

But now I start to think that I want to be in trouble always. I don't know. I'm going to be in trouble. And so they kiss. And Anthony sees it and Jess sees it. And Jess doesn't love it. And then Kyle's like, well, it sucks to be on the other end of this shit. Like, what the fuck? But more than anyone was quite aware that I was a bit ticked off about the situation.

These people are fucked. These people are fucked. And they're like making out in this pool. And then the camera widens up. And we see that there's just a guy in like a t-shirt in the pool, just chilling. next to them. And Fraser's like, these poor other tours, beside them are trying to have a good day, and meanwhile,

they've got a pawn shoot. And the guy's just hanging out while they're just like going it down right next to him. It's a pretty brilliant shot. So then Demos is saying, now they're doing this thing where he's like, am I going to be in trouble? You know. But with Scottish, no, Scottish, I don't think he care. This is what they do. This is like

a repeat thing that, Bravo Lebrides especially, but like, fuck boys, just like slutty people in general do, is that they do something shitty and then they come slinking back to the person that they messed up with and are like, am I in trouble? Like, yes, you are. And don't think that you can come slinking in all cute and you're off the hook. Yeah, but none of them are because I don't know. This is like a just big everybody makes out with everybody kind of a thing.

And then the people with hurt feelings, those are like the people with like normal. human feelings and I think the rest of us are like well okay that person has hurt feelings which means they are not completely traumatized too traumatized to have a relationship so perfect I'll go for one of them. So Hugo is just like wow it must be great to be by you can just have your cake and eat it too mate yeah and so they finally settle up with the bill and they get into the cars they're going to go back to their villa because they actually weren't at their villa there were somewhere else that were at a day club

and then they're in the vans and Barbara's like guys did you enjoy your day what those are your best parts and Jess is like when I got to kiss you so you know and then they start to make out

in the back scene they're just really going at it and you're like oh okay maybe this Jess and Barbara thing has legs and maybe it's gonna happen so he goes giving saline shit

he's like so now you have three boyfriends girl he's like you have three boyfriends now she's like no no zero baby poop street and Rainbow's loving it. You know, she's like, what in a beautifully

ancestral crew? I'm so friends with everybody now. It's going to go great. Yes, you guys like me, right? Look, I'm doing the things that people do to have friends, right? So I guess not a triangle, it's a square. It's like,

make it optical. So they go to the villa and Damo comes to try to talk to Kyle, but Kyle doesn't really like him now because he's a shitty friend, you know? Right. So Damos like, why are you running away from me he's like i'm not running from you i'm running to get a drink which is away from you thank god you stinky piece of crap so then instagram wall demo am i bad friend probably i kiss solane i don't regret it

though but i don't know that i don't know that i shouldn't have done it but that being said would caroline in the situation do anything different for me i don't think so because right now i'm in a selfish period of my life so i do shitty things to like patch my mate's ex-misses even though i know it's going to upset him. I don't care that you're in a selfish period of your life means that you're going to, I don't know, not go out with your friends because you're going to focus on like, staying late at the job so that we can get ahead in your career. Selfish does not mean being shit to people. It's a big difference. Well, it can mean it, but you know, he's like one of those people who's very self-aware. So that makes it okay in his mind. Like, well, okay, I'm being

selfish, but I'm deciding to be selfish. So at least I'm, but that makes it worse because like, you're willingly being a bad friend to somebody, you know? Yeah. And you're going to actually like wrap it up under the guise of some sort of weird self-help thing like like empowerment. Like I'm being selfish with myself right now. So if it means that like I'm going to shit on my friend who like I've built some sort of connection with and we live in the same room with, so be it because it's for my own self-improvement. Like go fuck yourself. Yeah. Um, so then, um, so then, And Salane jumps into the pool and starts saying, look at me, I'm wet, I'm wet, I'm marmalade. I'm marmalade.

Which. Lady Marmalade. Should be, you know, hilarious to me. But I'm like, you kind of are Marmalade because it's like really pretty and you're supposed to want it, but I just never do. It's like gross. It's like gross. Just give me some grape jelly, you know? Yeah. How do you rate between jam, jelly, marmalade, and, and preserves?

How do you rank them? Fuck, marry, kill, and kill again. I would put it in the order you just gave, except put preserves third and marmalade last. Marmalade is the one that gets really killed. Yeah, I just. Preserves is accidental kill. Marmalade is like, yeah, that was first degree homicide. Marmalade is a little tryhard. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Although I guess I don't know, I do like orange marmalade. Also, it's funny because I say marmalade and you say marmalade.

Just because Elaine just said it like that. So, you know, I'm sounding classy because I just heard it on TV. It's classy. It's a day for classiness. You know, Bravo was nothing but classy last night. So, yeah, so she's like, she's in this white dress, which is, of course, now completely see-through because it's wet and she's, you know, super hot. And she's like, look at me. I'm marmalade. I'm mum. I'm mummalot. And Jess has now got a lady boner. And like literally just foaming at the mouth. I'm surprised. There's like, I'm shocked there was not like a line of drool going from her lips down to like the floor.

She couldn't even hide the fact that she was in some sort of game that she was using Barbara's upon in. She just was looking at Saline. Yeah. And Saline knows what she's doing. You know, she gets back in her white dress jumps in the pool. So now she's all boobilicious. and, you know, of course, calling attention. Like, look at me, I'm mama lad.

And so Jess falls right for it, you know, like goes towards the siren and crashes right into the rocks. And she goes up to her and she's like, are you wearing anything beneath this? She's like, no, you smell really good. Not even your perfume. You, you smell good. So now they make out.

And Barbara's just watching this, like, yeah, I'm done. I'm done. Yeah. I was just thinking of all of the vegetables that I could plant by fall and pickle by spring for this woman. And already, she's with Marmalade. Yeah, that was a quick turnaround. By the way, credit to Salian for some beautiful swimming moves.

She had to have been on a swim team at some point. I mean, she was doing the butterfly. She was doing a beautiful backstroke, her dive into the pool. She was really showing off a lot of talent there. Well, she'll need him because eventually her ass is going to get thrown overboard. Yeah, it will. Yeah. So Barbara is not happy about this.

whatsoever. And she's telling Fraser, she's like, I'm done with Jess. Of course, Fraser was accomplice to this because he was the one who was like, Barbara, I really think that you should be open to making out with Jess. She's into you. You should try it out. I mean, Fraser had to know that Jess was playing a game too. Fraser was smart. He just wanted to create some mess on the boat. As usual. I think he just wanted the girl to get some, you know, which is good. Because Fraser's got a hardened little heart, you know. He's not going to be sitting around moping over demo but he's used to it but Barbara's a sweet soul she's not used to it guys she can't do this so now 17 years 17 years until charter 17 years later sometimes 17 hours until

charter 7.02 p.m. Selena and Jess are still making out Barbara's over it and she's like oh if I'm into someone I would never change my mind in less than one hour at this point in my life I don't have time like I do not have time for this like I have 17 hours still charter still not time. I don't have time. So Barbara's like, yeah, I'm going to go change. So now it's raining. And now someone is just full on topless. Yeah, just, just topless. And then Jess is like, well, me telling Barbara that I just want to kiss her. It was in that moment, which is, I mean, talk about a bullshit line right there. It was just in that moment. That was my truth. I was being honest for that moment. That is what I wanted right then.

I've been in three serious relationships since the age of 17 since I came out. And this is kind of my first time exploring. And I want to grow. I want to experiment. And I want to feel these things. I mean, I look a little bit of a tosser right now, but I'm okay with that. Okay, you can explore and you can grow and experiment. Just don't do it like all at the same time.

Okay, like you're not in a multiverse. Pace it out. Don't do it in front of other people. Just find a way to do it respectfully. Yeah, you can do it, but don't just tell somebody you're the only person here I want to kiss. Like I've made up my mind. It's you. you. You're the one I've been looking for this old time. I've tried every sample in the Costco.

And it's you chicken salad. You that I'm purchasing. And then go off and buy the tuna salad. The fuck. The rude. Yeah. A hundred percent. It's like don't do the hard pitch like that. And then then switched up. Think about the sample person you just heard. That was someone's papa. It was. And think about the person you just was waiting in line. That was someone else's pop off. Yeah, so Damo is still trying with Kyle. He's like, are you sure we're good? And Carl's like, mm-hmm. He's just looking at him like, mm-hmm.

And he says, all is fair, all is fair. Which basically means all is fair in love and war. And Damos says, well, this ain't marriage, love and war. This is just fucking about. And he's like, yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying it is. Yeah, it's all good. Yeah, if you just hurt your friend's feelings, then no, it's not just fucking about.

And you knew that. These people are terrible. They really are. There's garbage. I was like, Jess is garbage. I was like, I liked Jess, but I'm like, oh, she's garbage. Man, another person entered the garbage pile of the season. So then Damo's garbage too.

I was sort of liking Damo, but now I'm like, he's garbage. They're all really garbage. I'm not to like Damo because of his highlights. So then Jess and Solane's room, they take a shower tonight and Bown, basically, right? Oh, is this where they bone? Maybe it's later. Yeah, I think it is. Now they're talking about watches. Like, can I wear you watch?

and Salane's like absolutely not She's like too late Because I feel like that's another step in our relationship So then they're like making Dinner and everything And they're cooking Because they know that they They don't cook with Anthony

He's gonna lose his mind again Like why is no one want to cook hot dog with me La Lam once again alone cooking hot dog So Jess and Barbara are like setting the table And it's like very awkward Barbara's like not talking and she's like I'm avoiding Jess because I don't even really want to be her friend now like what do I have to say

I'm just so done with all this fucking drama I don't need this I don't need this and it's like I get that it's like why am I even gonna talk to you like you've shown your true colors like you're just a garbage person whose word I can't take and you're manipulative and you use me in a pawn for your own gratification get out of my life

and you can tell Barbara is really pissed because she's putting down plates in the most passive aggressive way ever she's like holding a stack of plates. And then she's like lifting them and dropping them on the place and then dropping the bottom one and then lifting them again and moving to the next place and dropping. It's like very slow. It's like a, it's like a very passive aggressive construction arm. That's just like, b, you really, you really feel the, the negative space in air.

No words being spoken. Drop. Right. Why she won't look at you. Just a mechanical, cold. Plates going down with no love or affection just in their most robotic sense. You're going to bow your head and listen to my conveyor belt, drop these plates for one hour and a half. It's going to take me to drop these plates. And you can just stew in it. Think about the garden you were about to have. Yeah.

So, Fraser is like, ladies and gentlemen, dinner is ready. Okay, this is something that's just like a little thing. But Fraser at the aisle of Poussa, or wherever they just were at the club, was announcing to everybody like, we're leaving a tip for the gorgeous waiter. It's like he's one of those people who announces so he can take credit for the tip, even though he's not going to leave the tip. And now he's doing that thing where he's like doing the announcement for the dinner, which he didn't make. You know, he's just a credit stealer there, I'm saying. Yes. Wow, I never thought of that before with Fraser.

but that's definitely something to flag and keep an eye on. He's like a manners clout stealer. Wow. Everyone's worst side is coming out today. Yeah. So they're talking about how Saline is kissing Jess at the table and how they already banged in the shower today. And Fraser was like they were both in the shower.

And Jess was like, we were just chatting like nothing was happening, which we know is a lie because we have sound effects. Yeah. We heard the sounds. We heard the, ah, oh, mama lad. So, Jess is like, I mean, Soso is my kryptonite. I'm attracted to her.

I know we have feelings for each other. And I love the excitement that I have with her. You're so addicted to the good parts. Keeps you hooked. Yeah, well, enjoy it now because my prediction is that Stilly gets fired for sleeping with a guest and they bring in Dillon, Soso's X, to take a spot. And then Soso goes back with him.

And Jess, you're left in the dust. And all you have there is the shadow of Barbara that you can make out with. Do you think that's going to happen? I've decided, that's my theory. I was like, they've shown Dylan way too many times in the flashbacks that it just has to be a setup for him coming onto the show. Ew, gross.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Now they finish dinner and they go back to their rooms. And Barbara is, Solang goes out into the beach chair and Jess joins her. And Barbara's just sitting there like, awesome. So Jess is like, so how was your day? And Saline says, I kiss Barbara.

No, I don't kiss Barbara. But night is not finished. Night is not finished. I am a lot. So Kyle is sleeping naked on the bed. And Damos like, yeah, people can't do it this long drinking. And Hugo's like, oh, I know he actually wasn't as wild as I thought he was going to be. Look at him sleeping.

That's crazy. I'm glad Hugo got to say something today. More guy. Yeah. Also, Hugo may maybe he hasn't seen last season because Kyle. will definitely get wasted. But the thing is, he's like sad Kyle right now. So sad Kyle just wants to drink and go to sleep.

As opposed to happy Kyle who wants to drink and then go running around the entire, you know, resort. So that's all that was. But I love that this entire scene happened with like Damo and Hugo having an entire conversation. And Kyle is like full on, just naked on that bed. And they put like a little like, they put some drawers on like over his dick to hide it. But like Kyle's like flopping over and whatever.

But like in the background, just like Kyle just just just past. out in the buff while they're just having a conversation. Yeah. So, Damo says, well, he was loyal to Stilly, but he's not a good friend. And he was in deep, deep at the start. And then Jess has come all along, and that's not so bad. And Hugo's like, wow, they have a great boyfriend, you know, like a great romance. I hate to see it in like this, you know.

I mean, it's messing up brocode. So he's like, yeah, if everything is whatever I fucking want, It's going to end up fucking fucking, fucking in a lot of fucking tears. Fuck. I couldn't say that when I was younger. So I want to say it a lot right now. So then Jess and Salane decided to take yet another shower. So maybe that's why there was confusion because they took a shower before and they'd take another shower right now.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. And Barbara, while they're doing that, Barbara is like, you know, to be honest, I don't know what's going on with Jess. Because I think that everything she said to me, nothing was true. Her behavior was completely different than what she said. And I would never invite someone in my mess. I feel sad because I don't really even want to speak with Jess anymore.

Like, I can't even even be friends with someone that fucked with other people. Like, you know, I would. Like, that's the problem. That's the problem. I just don't like the feeling. I just don't like how I'm feeling right now. And then she starts to cry. And I'm so mad at Jess for making her sweet barber cry.

Yeah. And so then it's a mess. Everything's a mess. It's usual. The kitchen's a mess. There's alcohol bottles everywhere. And now it's time to go back. And Fraser's like,

I didn't wear any underwear this week. and everybody. So then Demo, they're all excited to get back to work, they're driving back to work, and they're all like hung over, and they're just like tired and yawning, and Captain

Care's like, good died, mate, what was the place, large? You guys have a fun time. You guys all bang each other. And they're like, Fraser's like stunning. We got to the point yesterday where people just naturally stopped drinking, and in some cases started whining like a little baby and accusing me of causing them their job. I don't know who that was, but it happened with

some people. A lot of talk about how parents have ruined adult lives. Well, all right, well, guests are arriving at noon. We're leaving here, one or two o'clock, depending on the bridge. All right, Interior, let's meet in the primary to discuss the next charter. Deck team, we're doing it in the other place because this below deck is different. All right, let's have two separate meetings talking about the same thing. Do it. Instagram walls. So we meet this group. Our co-primaries, Helen owns a lingerie company, and Richard is a semi-retired real estate investor.

So we see the, we've had these people on before. I don't remember them at all, to be honest. They just were strange people in big black wigs. Yeah, I didn't really remember them either. But I knew when we heard the description, it was going to be an extremely old person. with someone that you don't ever want to see in lingerie. Yeah, yep.

So he's like, they're coming and they used to be on yachts, which also means they're probably terrible. So we see flashbacks of them. And even the flashbacks, I didn't really remember anything. So Fraser keeps reading that the additional guest, Michelle, a podcast red carpet host. And Kelly. Michelle, a podcast red carpet host.

Is that a thing? What does that mean? Like she hosts, she goes to red carpet for podcasts or she works podcast red carpet events. Do other podcasts have a red carpet before they start recording? She's like, welcome. Oh my God. Ben and Ronnie, you're about to do your 10,000th and 15th show and you're talking about below deck for the 6,700th time.

What are you feeling today before you sit down? Here comes Beeler, ready to sit at his father's feet. until he hears the magic words. We'll see you next time, everybody, and starts begging for food. Puehler, what are you wearing and how do you shed so much? That's it.

It's just like some people just have a step and repeat, just ready to go. Puehler, Puehler, before you go in, what does your poop smell like? You seem to want to smell it every single time you're outside. What is it like? Can I ask you,

why do you pretend to bear your poop, but it's all in act. You don't actually kick up any sand or make a hole. You just kind of kick the air and then snort like you did something positive for the country. Why do you do that? Here comes one right now.

Then we also know that there's someone named Kelly, a corporate flight attendant. I did not remember this detail about Kelly. So she works in hospitality. basically. And she acts a fool this entire episode, which is kind of flight attendant. It kind of explains what's going on with the airlines lately. Did you read that? You were just talking about Delta fucking you over

on the bonus episode. Did you read that the Delta, a Delta pilot was arrested the next day? They came onto a flight and arrested him off of the flight and took him off. So there was another concert missed. Well, my Delta flight was abruptly canceled because there was no pilot. was my pilot arrested? What sort of criminals does Delta have flying their planes? This did happen on Saturday. So I was wondering if that was the same flight.

Yeah, I was wondering if it was the same thing. It was in San Francisco, but I'm wondering if that was a flight that could have been coming to L.A. That could have 100% could have been a thing. Yeah, because at first I thought it couldn't be Ben because that would have been Friday, but I was in Vegas on Friday to see Beyonce. You were not there. So that would have been Saturday to you. But Beyonce is like,

I don't approve of that. I'm so mad. He was arrested just after 9.30 p.m. You know, that's unfortunate. That would have been really cool. If I could have attached myself to a national story, you know, it's my favorite thing in the world to do. My craven, craven, self-involved soul always needs that. And I, alas, although maybe looking at the details of this case, maybe not such a bad thing to not be attached to this because this guy was arrested for some really heinous things, it turns out.

So, you know what? I didn't even read. They didn't even say what he was arrested for in the article I read. Like child sex abuse. Oh, geez. Oh, my God. You know what? Never mind.

I will stay away from that one. Jeez. And they just, they just fired so many people from the airline industry, didn't they? I mean, like, can we filter? I mean, what the hell is? It seems like it. Based on the fact that there were no pilots to take me to Vegas.

And I had to. Jeez. God, I wish you had, I wish they had put you on a plane with Kelly, the corporate flight attendant. Democrats. Democrats. So Captain Kerry.

You don't got to tell me who gets to have tomato juice first, okay? Side aside. You guys are no fun. You ought to know fun in this plane. So Captain Kerry tells everybody they're going to have

a beach picnic, and then they're going to go to the Dutch side, the French side, the Orient Bay, the Grand case, all these places, and they're bringing And all the toys, at all the toys, then there's a beach picnic, beautiful beaches.

The French side has nude beaches, which nobody needs to see any of these people nude. None of them. Okay, keep them on the boat. For Christ's sake, the nude beaches need to start getting a scanner or something, scan the yachts before they let them land. Yeah. For dinner, the primary one's a cowboy theme because, I mean, what else would you get when you go down to the Caribbean? And then Captain Kerry, yeah, they're just like, they're going to have a lingerie.

right dinner too so that something will look forward to a true adventure and so then they're looking at all the pictures and captain care is like oh it's gonna be the problem child of this trip and barbba's like kelly she's like who is that because she wears pink lipstick it's not good Barbara is my my spirit animal I love that she can do that that's a talent or you can just look at someone and know they're awful because of their terrible lipstick I mean that's what honestly that's it was very impressive that she picked that out and then they showed Barbara's I'm sorry Kelly's preference sheet and it was just funny because everything she wanted was pasta it was like what do you want for breakfast pasta

lunch pasta what are your preference is pasta snacks pasta you're allergic to anything I'm allergic to everything about pasta it's just like if she had made if she made it to the cowboy dinner I guarantee she would have complained that there was no pasta at it I want I want whenever happened to the days of a spaghetti Western am I right that's sort of a cowboy I want Oh, wait, I found something different. At least one thing different. They said, what do you like for dessert? And she says, gaze out of the military.

So that was nice. Change it up a little bit. Yeah, that'll be the cherry on top of the Sunday, really. So Barbara and Fraser are making a bed. And Fraser's like, so I've got a question genuinely. Did anyone hear when I said I didn't have underwear on? Because that should have been a more titillating moment than it was. But Barbara, I just want to be.

want to make sure you're okay. And I want to remind you that just treated you like a discarded piece of baloney that someone left on the floor of the supermarket, a poor person indeed. Do you feel okay? She's like, she says she's just depressed because she has to work. It has nothing to do with the girl. And he's like, well, but then what did you chat about in the pool then? What was that about? Wouldn't that make you cry? Are you sure you don't want to cry? Hold on. Let me get out of my phone. Videos rolling. Videos rolling. Portrait mode. Focused on you. focused on you. Well, she said that she thought there was something between us,

but then she went and did whatever she wants to do, whatever she wants to do. Okay. Do you want to say that again with a bit more, I don't know, tears in your eyes? Okay, just think about how excited you were and then how disappointed you were. Say it again now. Are you sure there's nothing more you can express that I can put into this little vial? I'm collecting misery from anyone around me to drink when I'm feeling. down. Please, please. Think about how you almost had it all. Couldn't I almost had it all? Blah, blah, blah, blah, life worth living. Oh, God. All right. I'll just keep the vial over here. I'll just call, I'll suggest Anthony's gained some weight or something. He has so much misery to give. So Frasers like, I just feel shitty for Barbara. And by shitty, I mean, I'm sort of laughing. It's kind of funny if you think about it. I just don't know what Jess's game plan here.

Why would she go until Barbara She's into her if she clearly isn't I don't want to get involved But I don't think it's from Jess Orsul, not one bit So you know what I'm going to do? Get involved I just don't want anyone to get hurt Without me there to watch

Do you understand? And she's like, well exactly I'll speak with Jess and just protect yourself Protect yourself, honey So now everyone's tired But still getting their work done And Fraser next hits up Solane and you know she's like oh the time that I have to I don't know maybe it will take me this time maybe it will take me that time I don't know well how should I know how long

it will take I don't know and he's like 15 minute yeah to finish all of this and then you go down and she's like oh your French accent is very bad now mm-hmm well um so your English accent is incredible by the way see it for tat bitch So then Barbara goes, pulls Jess to have a conversation. And Anthony's telling Kerry, he's like, let's smash the shot on and go home. Will you stay and cook hot dogs with me in the galley? He's like, no, man, I'll have to drive the boat. You can make the hot dogs on your own.

But hey, just as a reminder at this time last year, you're fired. Fraser getting here with your vial of tears. He's shedding some right now. Oh, I was just thinking that. But thank God this time, everything is going good. I'm doing so good. Don, don, don. It's about to go to shit, sir.

Let's hope. Because that's always when it goes to shit. Someone's like, finally, I have everything figured out. So now, Barbara goes to talk to Jess. She pulls Jess aside. And Jess is like, am I in trouble? And she says, you know, like, I'm not the kind of person who wants to hurt people. I am friends with people because I want to take care of them and be nice to them.

and you came up to me and said you wanted to be with me and then you made out with someone else which was super fucked up and just is like well yeah and she's like yeah so I'm upset so I'm talking to you and she's like uh well

I don't know because I did feel something but maybe I shouldn't have acted on it because I was with so-so no you acted on it because was so, so flirted with somebody else. And you also wanted to have somebody to flirt against her with, which Barbara called you out for in the first place, which you denied.

So this makes it, like, double as bad that you're pulling this shit. Yeah. And Barbara's like, well, you know, feel free to kiss anyone. Just I don't want to be the one. Like, it's just, it's fun. But, like, it's not my vibe what you're doing. And just like, I respect that. And I'm sorry, I put you in that position.

And not just you, but both of you guys. And then she tells us, I've definitely gone in a bit over my head because I want the best of both worlds, but you can't really do that. So I realize now I've actually hurt this person. Like, you don't want the best of both worlds. You want one world, and you're going to use the other world to make the other world jealous. That's it. So then Jess apologizes.

And Barbara's like, okay, I mean, whatever, it is what it is. I'm going back to laundry. Fucking this fucking job. So Rainbow is trying to help Celine. She's like, do you need pineapple juice behind the bar? She goes, Sully? Pineapple juice? the bar? I still have three, but if you don't want, do whatever you want, I don't

care. You want me to clean bathroom, right? Oh, no, I'm sorry. It's not one in the morning. I'm not going to sleep, so. Rainbow's like, okay, it's fine, as long as you're stocked, everything's fine, everything's fine. And she, like, walks out the room and Frazier's like, you're doing good, Rainbow. You're doing good. Feel the rage. Feel the anger. Now, I'm just going to put this vial right up to your eyeball. Don't you worry one bit. But then Rainbow tells us, she's like, oh, yeah? Well, you tell me you don't give a fuck about me? Well, guess what? Now, I don't give a fuck about you. You want to fuck with me? You're

about to see what you're going to get. I was like, wow, you really showed her by offering to get her pineapple juice and walking away cheerfully. So the rainbow revenge. Are you sure you don't want any pineapple juice? Okay. Just call me to need me. You've got my number, right? She really put her in her place. She really showed her who's the boss. She was the queen of that island in Holland. Um, so, uh, so then Fraser and Carrie do like a walkthrough to make sure everything is clean and they just, they're doting on things, whatever. Carrie's like, give his your rinse. Do you that out for that? Make a nice, walk that one down.

All right. Have an adventure over there. Great. And now it's 10 minutes of guest's arrival, changing into their uniforms. And Fraser's hoping that everyone's going to be fun. Um, but we all know. They, they line up, hop, up, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, call the entire staff down here. Get the French police.

There's a handprint on this glass. He's like, All right. Done. Adventure. Adventure. So the guests walk up in their, like, Kardashian wigs. It feels like they, they were like,

oh, Kardashians are a thing. They, like, sort of, like, leaned into it in 2017 and just, like, stayed there. So, um, they're walking up. Like, wow, what a beautiful day in the neighborhood, right? Oh, my God. And Kelly, the star of the show is like, I need some champagne.

Okay. Can these Democrats fill up my glass already? What the fuck is going on around here? And Helen, who's not, Helen, I guess, is the lingerie lady, right? Which one is the podcast red carpet host? She's the one I really need to know who she is. I don't know. But London, she's like, in London they call it Go GoJew.

And one of the guys is like, oh, God, I hope they got ibuprofen because you're going to need it. Jesus Christ. There's one who's just in such a bad mood the whole time. I'm guessing the old semi-retired guy. And he's hilarious. Yes. Well, it's funny because they're all like New York, New Jersey. They have the thickest accents.

But there's like one guy. It seems like there's like a gay guy from like the South who is. Yeah, there's a sudden mood. Yeah. And he's and he just berates Kelly the entire time, which is hilarious. He's sort of like low key also the star of the show. And I feel like he doesn't get enough credit. Yeah.

So they come up. And Helen's like, these are my dear friends. We're on vacation. But we do all work together in retail lingerie. What a gorgeous crow! Oh yeah, they're gorgeous. Well, thank you very much for that. Welcome to Sonny St. Martin.

Here's your Chief Stu. Stick up the ass himself. He's such a stick up the airs. He is the stick that goes up the ass. It's Fraser. All right, he'll show you around. So he gives the tour and everything. He takes him all around.

He takes him to the bar. And he's like, this is Barbara. She just got dumped by a slutty lady. downstairs and she will be serving a drinks and Helen's like well Barbara's going to be my new friend. Okay this is our main saloon this is where I think Kelly will probably pass out multiple

times on the charter here and it does get very hot so don't worry about that. Oh look everybody I got go-go juice. I got go-go juice. That's what they call in London. It's actually not a thing but as the British person here I'll say that's not a thing but I'm contractually obligated to agree with everything

you say so enjoy your go-go juice. All right, so this is the sad lesbian salon. If you ever want to come up here and have some go-go juice while you watch a sad lesbian, do sad lesbian things, planning gardens that will never grow. This is where you go. Everybody understand. Barbara, do not move.

Do not move. And Barbara's like, I have not a good feeling. I don't know. I hate judge people by the look, but they look like Adam family. There's something dark. There's something not nice. The Adams family people are very nice.

So Helen is like, you know, you're going to have a problem with us because we're all from New York and we talk so much. It's terrible. So Francis, like, yes, I agree, but I didn't have to articulate that. So here's your cabins, life vests. And Kelly's like, well, we don't need us. We don't need those. We're just going to show each other all the boys. That's Kelly, fucking monster Kelly. Say, we all need those.

I don't care about no life vest. He's like, okay, well, here's your hot tub, otherwise known as 13 stews. loads, which have been blown over the past three days at each other. So it's of prime importance when we're moving that we are not out on our decks, all right? It's dangerous for you guys. It's dangerous for us. The space you're allowed said lesbian salon. Do you understand? So just to repeat, if we are leaving the dock, these decks you're not allowed to walk on. You can't go by the hot tub. You stand in that space there. Got it.

So when we're leaving the deck, we just, we're going to go everywhere. We walk everywhere, anywhere we want. That's actually the time they say, go hide in some place and talk to anyone you see on a deck. Got it, got it. So now the anchor is being lifted and Helen's regaling her friends with her fabulous tales of what it's like to be Helen. She's like, we had a day from hell yesterday. Every time I go through TSA, I get pulled off the line. They must think I look like a drug mule or something, because every time I'm here, they pull me off the line.

You look like you've got like eight kilos in your lips alone. Yes, you look like a mule. You look like the guy from mask trying to bring over like an entire country's worth of drugs. What is wrong? What happened to you? What happened to you? She's like, why do they make me look like I'm a mob wife? I'm like because you look like Big Angie.

No, not Big Angie. What's the other one? Well, yeah, I guess she is. She is kind of a cross between Big Ange. And what's the other? The other one's name, the main... Mid-sized Ange. Compact Ange.

But I just love Big Ang, so it's hard for me to compare it. But yeah, they are similar looks. So now one of the guys is trying to go upstairs, and he goes like, just check what deck that guy's trying to sit on, please. And Kerry's like, what's going on, Fraser? We've got guests on deck here. And he's like, oh, standby coming up.

I was making more. Sad lesbian signage. So Richard comes up, and he just goes right up to Captain Kerry. He's like, uh, yeah, what's going on? You got a steering wheel? It's like a fucking car. It's like a car. You can I play with it?

Yeah, it's good. Is this thing a stick shift? Oh, I can't really. So am I, mate. I can't really talk right now. I have to put this focus on this. Don't want to crash this boat. Don't want to captain glan it up.

So, yeah, you don't have to. Oh, that's nice. It's showing me pictures of your choice. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is my dick. You got any dick picks?

This is mine. Very nice. Got to focus on the boat. Look big. Look big. Don't want. Yeah. Yeah.

We're going to just focus on driving. All right. What card am I holding in my hand? Okay. I can guess the card you picked. Okay. Seven diamonds. I'm just going to,

I just don't want to crush the boat here. You get to king. You guess my dick. Look. Oh, it's good. It's my dick. It's my dick on a card. I just do it.

Oh, I'm going to have a little adventure here. You can just go downstairs if you want. If you don't mind, mate. I'm gonna go to the stairs I'm fucking Jesus He's trying to be nice to someone God So Hugo is like Yeah yeah guys

When we're moving the boat You can't beat on the decks Okay God you go up there So they're already a shit show So then Captain Kerry's pissed You know and now

These people are terrible They were just told And now A second ago Don't like don't be on the deck. Like when the boat is leaving, you have to stand here.

And they just go, all of them to start go wandering around with like no, you know, just no regard for what the instructions were. And this is just, people are terrible. They do this all the time.

It's not just these people. It's everyone. Everyone does this all the time in all places. So now you've got crew trying to get them off the deck, but it's also time to go through that terrifying bridge. And so the captain's waiting for things call, but Hugo's trying to keep the people in line. And so it's like, I need communication on deck.

I need communication. I need correct calls. If they're focusing on the deck, the crew instead of the deck, oh, the vessel's affected. I'm getting frustrated. I thought this really is, like, I thought this really as a Fraser fail because I feel like this is like the moment when the deck crew has to really be focused.

And it should be like interior who should be wrangling all the guests together. Yeah, well, someone. Geez, someone needs to, apparently. So Captain Kerry's like, oh, come on, focus. We're a bee's dick away from that bridge. The bee is like, excuse you. I am very well endowed. The bee is like, you got plenty of room, kids.

Plenty of room, all right? So. They don't call me don't be for nothing, huh? You see all these bees around you? those are my kids. They don't come from a small dick. E? I'm like,

I'm kind of a one B kind of man, though. I'm not going to lie. So they, but guess what? After all this drama, they make it through the bridge. I mean, we all knew it would be fine.

But I was still stressed. Do we? Because don't we see the boat crashing into the bridge and the preview? Didn't we see a crash this season? Or was that in my mind? I don't know.

Maybe. I just think that I was still stressed because on principle, I just was so angry at these people just wandering around like a bunch of jellyfish on a boat. Just stupid. So they make it through and Kerry is really mad. He's really, really bad. So he calls up, he calls up, he calls a meeting

with Fraser and Hugo. He's like, I can't get some on the dick when I'm going to the bridge. I'm fucking livid. All right. I need every ounce to focus. You see them on the dock, down the dick. Get him off. Not like that, though. Okay, Fraser, stop looking so excited. I'll keep asking for distance to clear. Okay. so I don't know what's going on back there. All right. Don't do it again. I like when Fraser gets into a meeting and told off

because he just goes, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yes, mm-hmm, okay. It's like, I'll let you get over whatever this is that you're doing right now. Just go ahead, get it out of your system. Inside my head, I have the girl from Impanema playing. All right, so just do whatever you need to do, right?

The only one who truly terrified him was Captain Sandy, because she really got to him. She's like, you know what? evil the snake rats from the head and right now you're the head of a snake a big you did not like that at all you've been I was one of the Sandy's greatest moments though because she called it right away so she really did she called that one right away and the rest of blowdeck production was like yeah we don't produce your blowdeck you're not in charge here so we're going to make Fraser our star for the next 10 years okay thanks for your

advice though sandy um Fraser at some point could you please create the sad lesbian salon great so yeah uh captain Kerry is saying that when it comes to safety there's no no score okay I need my crew to pay attention he's doing this whole thing so then um he's he's really going on he's really he's really he's really he's really steaming mad he's like a freaking moment of losing concentration I'm hitting that bridge So that's why I need everyone to be in line. Okay, all right. Fraser, are you listening?

Why are you doing a little samba dance? I don't understand what's happening with you over there. Well, I'm just doing that because you said one of the crew members could get hurt or mimed. So mined, Mined, Mines, Fraser. Mimed, not mimed. You can stop miming now. Same thing. You're just saying the same thing over in a...

So then we go down to the guests and they're hanging out at the bar. And one of them was like, Domingo, Domenico is single just so everyone knows. He's Italian. He's hardworking. He's handsome. He's my brother-in-law. We're sleeping in the same bed. What an arc. So then Hugo is telling everyone that captain's pissed off about all the guests wandering around. And then one of the guests is saying how he needs a back massage. And Kelly's like, oh, oh, my God, let me cry in a pillow. Pull me another drink. Pull me another drink. This guy's working. How hard am I right?

Pour me a drink. Well, sorry, Kelly. I don't drive around and drink everywhere. I actually work. Oh, yeah, pour me another drink. My favorite drink is the next drink, whatever it is. And just, yeah, anything with alcohol is your favorite drink. Yeah.

So Helen is like, she's single, by the way. Shocker. What a shocker. And Dane was like, fantastic. So am I. How old are you? He's like 32. She says,

My daughter's 32. I can't. I can't. Come on. Come on. So they drop anchor and everything. And Anthony tells us that he's going to be making something with Mediterranean influence because Instagram wall. He grew up in France, but his...

I'm sorry to interrupt this Instagram while, but can I have some champagne. Barra. Mama. Babbo. Babbo. Babbo. I am talking about how my grandma. My grandma was.

Italian. Okay. She's Italian. Italian. Okay. Yeah. Can we do the banana boat? I want you to be a banana boat.

Yeah, I want to do a banana boat. So Jess is going to put it out for her. And then one of the guests is like, because they're trying to eat now. And Kelly's just shit-faced. And she's like, I don't want to eat nothing. I want to have a champagne. I don't want anything. All I want to eat is liquor.

So it's all you should get me Because I don't want nothing else So don't even try to give me this crap What is this bunch of crap? What is it? What are you trying to poison me This crap? I want food I want liquor in me, not food Her hair

is like all messed up She's one of those drunk people that The moment they start to get drunk, their hair Just gets crazy and I don't even know how that happens Like how does that happen With certain people Like they could have like perfectly nice hair and then they have one drink and it's like it's all off she has stuff in it there's something shiny

i don't know if that was like a tassel or if it was food or if it was both but she's all like a spaghetti off her head we're like when they serve spaghetti man i don't want regular drinks this is stupid eating is stupid and i'm not going to do it i don't care he talks about it she's and then she starts fiddling with the the centerpiece it's like why the drink People like to fiddle with things also. They love that. She starts fighting with the guys because one of the guys like, Kelly, if you drink less, we can enjoy everything. She's like, hey, I talk about whatever I want, whatever I want.

And with no explanations, buddy. All right, do whatever the fuck I want. Do you what I want to talk about? Drinking. Yeah. I don't have a banana boat. I like the banana bowl and do the banana bowl. That's what I'm going to talk about.

He's like, shut up, Kelly, you're embarrassing. So she starts picking up the centerfeats and trying to throw it, but she can't figure out how to pick it up because it's like, it's like got pearl strings or something. I was saying, hey, I picked this stupid thing up. You don't even make things I can pick up and throw on this, but when I'm supposed to eat this too? Bring me some alcohol.

I hate those people. I hate these people. I can't even eat banana bowl. they just, you can't even go. What's even the point coming out of y'at? So Rainbow's like, she is so wasted, like shit-face. Like, she had to be chugging bottles of champagne in the taxi. Like, she's on the spaceship to the moon.

Vanianabu, vanilla, blah, blah, blah, ma. Bar-a-ba-mamma. Bam-a-ba-ma-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ha. Rainbow's like, like, I am going to tell her, no ma'am, no more. Would you like another drink? I'm going to speak to Captain. So Fraser goes up and he's like, Captain, Kelly's asking for more champagne, but she can barely hold her glass. And he's like, all right, well, keep an eye on her.

Maybe say, hey, would you like some sparkling water for the next glass? I think you'll appreciate it tomorrow if we do. He's like, copy that, copy that. That's going to totally work. Meanwhile, Kelly's saying, I hate this place. Can I get some champagne? What a horrible place? What am I at Allie?

Bhabas? What am I in Alibaba where they put the terrorism people? It is ridiculous. I'm going to champagne. I could drink my fist right now. In fact, watch me. Ah, my feet made me have my salad. You better give me some champagne. I hate you. You people are wasting my time. So she leaves the table and she starts stumbling over to the to go do water toys. Because also, they're drunk people, they just can't sit still. I don't know why. I feel like when I get drunk, I love sitting still. I think I do. I guess I shouldn't really talk about that because I only have my perspective from being the drunk person, not the other people who are watching me being drunk who are like, Ben, you get up and you move all over the place. So Kelly, um, I'm going to be an edible baby. Yeah, baby. Banana ball. So Fraser tells everyone, all right, everyone. I'm going to have to cut off Kelly. She's had too much to drink and she's not funny enough to carry on like this. Like, yeah, well, it's 100% okay with that. Do whatever you have to do, phrase.

Pee, here comes Kelly getting on a banana boat. Don't try and mess with me. I'm getting on a banana ball. Dude, what's to put on the stup of this? No, I want no vest. I don't need no vests. I lived in Hawaii, okay? So I've already done all this shit before.

All this shit you got out here. Ocean Manabo. I already did that because I lived in Hawaii, motherfuckers. Isn't that the same thing that Dolores said on below deck a few seasons ago when Captain Lee kicked that woman off the boat. Yeah. She was like, I live in Hawaii. I know how to swim.

No, she was like, I'm a boat person. Because wasn't she the lady who lived on a boat? She's like, I'm a boat person and I can swim all I want. I live on the water. So you can't get rid of me. So now Kelly's like, I live in Hawaii and I've done this shit before. I don't need no fucking safety. I don't need it.

You know, you're a safety. And my safety is the name of a Jack Daniels drink. And you better keep me the fuck away from me, ain't you? So then Carrie's like, all right, well, you've got a lot to drink. You've got two options, put the jacket on. Or the other option is, oh, well, she just jumped in the water. So there we go. So she gets on the water.

And so they jump into trying some, like I guess Hugo gets in and follows. So you can't catch me. I lived in Hawaii before. So you think you can jump in here and catch. We ain't got another thing coming still, but I can swim faster. She's like, she's like, she's swimming away from him, and they're trying to catch her. She's like, you're too slow, stupid. Michelle has something to drink, dummy.

She goes, I love what she goes, I've been swimming since I was five. Okay, Michelle Phelps. She's like, I can care less about your stupid yacht. I'm like, well, you should care a little bit more about it because otherwise you're not getting home. But I did love when she was like, "'Cash me if you can.' I was like, what is wrong with this lady? Where are you going?

So they finally got her and they bring her back on the deck and she just falls into Fraser and they have to like drag her. Like it takes three people to drag her inside. And he's like, all right, well, you're off the boat. And she's like, oh yeah, you're torturing me. You can't touch me.

Can't touch me. This is torture. I mean torture. So it's like, so this. So who cares like, I'm gonna call the authorities right now and have you taken off the vessel if you don't listen to me right now. Go back inside. Go inside. You are disgusting. And she starts throwing a pillow at him. I was like, you're disgusting, man, me, and you torture, what are you, Saddam Hussein? You better get off of me, torture.

And it comes up like the people upstairs, like, you know what? The pineapple store bay is a wonderful palate cleanser. So she said, I can do whatever I want. You can do nothing to me. And she's like, come on a yacht. Come on a yacht, they say, you don't have fun, me, sir. Look at that. It's turned into Ollie Gribesies. The prison is torture place.

And I'm being tortured. So Captain Kerry is like, all right, Hey, Helen, your friend's in the year. She's getting very aggressive, but she's not listening. So Helen's like, Kelly, stop it, babe. Stop it. I hate you. I fucking hate everybody, because they're

They're fucking assholes, especially the thumb over there. Fucking Democrats. Democrats! Democrats! And people, if you didn't see this episode, what you really are not getting is at this point, she is staring right into the camera and her eyes are bulging and her hair is like in this crazy half wet, half-string thing. And she looks like she is like she's in the middle of the zombie apocalypse.

She's like, this is Democrats, close the doors. It's everywhere in the comedy. Like, you think that, like, she was like, this is the last gasp of life before civilization goes down. I was dying. This is so funny. And he's like, oh, God, just make a wall and crowd her in. Try not to touch her the best we can. But if it's safety related, we're allowed.

Helen's like, oh, she's just going to relax. The party of free speech. Just let her relax on my sofa. Okay, could you bring her some tea? Tea will help. And say, I don't need tree. What am I going to drink? I can't drink trees.

What stupid thing is that? Fucking try and make me drink a tree. I ain't going to do it, torturers. So then Captain Kerry's silent, something. He was like, all right, we've got to close off all the exits. I mean, they're really acting like it is Jurassic Park, and they're like cornering a velociraptor. Like, only one exit point.

All right, well, got it cornered. I fucking hate everybody. All of you. I hate you. Kamala bomb, bomb. And Helen's like, you can't threaten. the captain. What are you doing? Say, yeah, I can't. I'll kill you. What about that? I'll kill you dead. And the captain's like, listen, you go to your cabin. I'm not going to take threats.

There's only one authority on this boat. And it's me. Back to the cabin. And Helen's like, she's like, I have connections. Okay, don't worry about it. I've always been caught. I have FBI in a family. I got FBI of a family. I'm going to call the FBI right now. What do you think of that? What do you think of that? I want to use my one phone call to call FBI. Somebody get me their number. I've tried every avenue to calm her down. Her friends aren't talking her down. She's tried to attack me. She's threatened me. She threw a pillow at me, which was the last straw.

She also threw a straw at me too, which was the second blast straw. So he's like, I want you to enjoy yourself, but you're doing it in here. She's like, he's like, oh my God, she could fall herself and hurt. She could drown. And I've got to do what it takes to keep her safe. She goes, oh, yeah, come get me, authority. Come at me. What are you going to do, call authority? Bring them, call him, call him.

Call him. So he calls, he has this conversation with the doc authority, which is clearly overdub by like a PA on the crew who's like, he's like, we got someone who's, we need to get her off the boat. She's too drunk. That bad, huh? I'm like, no one who works on the doc answers like that. That bad, huh?

That bad, huh? We're really in the middle of a mahjon. tutorial over here. Can it wait? Below deck, can you please get better voiceovers for your fake calls? I love to that too. That bad, huh? Wow, I guess we'll just have to uproot our entire lunch.

God. So then, you know, Jennifer, there's a guy who's like, I'm so sorry. You know, I'm sure you see this a lot. He's like, we do. You know, it happens with people, but people need to chill out, right? phrase, right? We're buddies, buddies now, right? It's like, yes, yes, you can get out of my face now.

Yeah, you see it all the time, right? He's like, not that much. Nope. So now the police are waiting a store for her. So he makes Hugo go get them to bring them on the boat. So Helen's like, listen, we've all gotten like that. And Frank's like, I never get like that. Never in my life have I one time ever gotten like that.

She's like, shut up, Frank. I'm not talking to you. It's bad enough, all right, Frank. So Kerry sends Fraser to the boat because, Like, they want to have someone who's French who can speak with the police officers in case they can't speak English. So, Kelly comes upstairs again.

She goes, so what? I jumped in the water. So what I had a couple of drinks? Not so bad. And Kerry's like, well, I asked you to stay in India for half an hour. She's like, can I please talk? She's like, I'm trying to do that thing

where she's like, I'm composed and I'm a lady. She's like, can I please talk to him? Can you talk to me in private? Please. Absolutely. He's like, after you, he opens the door and she walks in it. He just closes it.

And traps her in there. And he's like, I'll be back in 20. So then he's holding the door closed and saying, 20 minutes, wait a minute, I have to talk to you right now. He locked me in here. Hey, I don't like me in here. He's supposed to lock me in here. Let me out of here.

Hang what's on a Milan will be all, oh, Biggles. So then he makes, he makes Damo come in and hold the door. I mean, what the hell? And Frank goes, I didn't want that brought on here. in the first place. Yeah. And Kelly is just screaming, holy hell in that room.

He fucking disgraceful treating me like, Bill, want me out of you. Lois there. And Damo is like holding on that handle for dear life. Like he is grabbing onto it. Enough that when he eventually

is able to like release himself from the door, you see him taking his hand and he's like, he's like flexing it because it's so cool. cramped up. Oh, God. So she's screaming and yelling and he's like, the water police are arriving. Let's go talk.

So Kelly's like, no, I'm in disrespecting me. I'm a happy person. I'm a good person. Helen's like, I know you're happy, honey. And brother, Kelly, stop talking and listen. Who's on the phone? She's the FBI, the FBI's on it? Listen, Kelly, if you don't stop being so loud,

the canceling the chart. Get off the boat. Sleep it off fucking Kelly. Brian's, it's mine. Why don't you tell Herbert Hoover, why don't you tell Herbert Hoover yourself to sleep it off? Because let me tell you what Herbert. Herbert Hoover likes banana boats. He likes banana boats.

That's what he just told me. Hey, Harvey, what do you want to go on a banana boat? I'm going on a banana boat with the FBI. Kelly, you're getting off the boat. Okay, whether it's right or wrong, that's what's going to happen. But if you receive the French police will arrest you and detain you. Oh, yeah. I came out.

I mean French police. I ain't scared of French police. What are they going to arrest me with? cheese cuffs. I'm scared of that. I'll eat them. To be continued. To be continued. Oh my God, this woman. Well, we've seen a lot of people get really wasted and be terrible, but this is, she really was probably the worst that we've ever seen. This is amazing. Yeah, it was great. She had all the stereotypical notes of being a drunk. I mean, like, the whole, go on a yacht, they said, have fun they said. Like, it's like all these, it was like, it was like, it was just like,

an AI rendering of like what a drunk person is. It's like we've looked at all the drunk people and this is what they all say. Yeah. So, so funny. Go, go Kelly. You go, girl. So yeah, Kelly's going to rot in French prison. Yeah. Sounds like it. We'll see what happens next week.

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