Watch What Crappens - #295: Frito Pie, Felicia

Episode Date: May 24, 2016

Get yer bibs on and load up on the Frito Pie because we're headed to Dallas for the social event of the season! It's a party at Heidi Dillon's house! And a charity concert by the Aaron Hendra Project. Yeehaw! We're talking Real Housewives of Dallas, Shahs of Sunset (surprise wedding time!), and Southern Charm (Whitney is sad, guys). Plus, Crappens Mailbag and Clear the Flem! Come listen! Here are the time codes: 00:00:00 - Intro + info on our 300th episode party!!! 00:05:50 - Crappens Mailbag 00:21:05 - Real Housewives of Dallas 01:11:07 - Shahs of Sunset 01:34:26 - Clear the Flem 01:40:28 - Southern Charm Subscribe at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins. That's texture.com slash crappins, texture.com slash crappins. Watch What Crappens Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. What happens when there's so much that happens? Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com. Hi, Ronnie. Ben. Ronnie. Ben.

How is it going for you over there in West Hollywood? It's going so good. I'm reading all these tweets from Shaws of Sunset. They're hilarious. And also West Hollywood's getting a new crosswalk. Isn't that exciting? It's so exciting. I'm actually feeling a little bit like

Gigi today because I have a theory that I have an arthritic finger. Because every, like for the past, like I think like four or five years, every now and then, like every like six or eight weeks or so or three months, my index finger will sort of swell up a little bit and kind of hurt. And right now it's really hurting and it's swollen and I have a little bit of ice on it. So I think I'm getting old. I think I'm getting arthritis in my index finger. So when GT said, I wish you knew for five seconds what it was like to live inside my body. You listened.

I feel, yeah, a little bit. Either that or maybe I just sprained my finger. Who knows? But the ice is on it and I'm trying to recover. So everyone, thanks for coming on board to listen to this podcast. You can follow us on social media by going to watchforcrappins.com where you'll find links to our Twitter accounts, our Instagram accounts, our Snapchat, etc. If you go to facebook.com forward slash watch for crappins

you can join in on the conversation we always have a super fun time on our facebook page we have so many people involved um someone posted a picture of um kristin when she was i don't know looked like she was like 13 or 14. Mid-90s, mushroom cut hair, which meant that I immediately had to go Photoshop a side-by-side picture of her with a Goomba from Super Mario Brothers. So that was fun. She still stands exactly the same way she did

when she was a kid. Like, you know when they teach you to stand up straight and they're like, there's a string pulling you up on the very tippy top of your head and it's like pulling her head just a little bit too forward she's like so cute she still has a scale and the thing is that she really does look like a goomba like they have the same expression like yeah like that would be her dream would be to like run into someone in mario and make them shrink or possibly die even at that age she's like i'm a model sorry sorry you're not as hot as me like

i'm a good catch so uh thanks rachel for uh passing along that photo um and of course you can come to patreon.com slash watch what crap happens where you can support us uh you can come to patreon.com slash watch what crap happens, where you can support us. You can support us at different tiers. And at the most basic level, you get access to our weekly bonus episode. We just recorded a really fun one where we talked about, we went, we watched the trailers for the new season of real housewives of orange County.

And we watched the trailer for real housewives of New Jersey. We talked about Renaissance fairs and talked about Madonna honoring Prince. So really fun bonus episode there. And at the higher levels, you can become like a super premium sponsor like our two faves, Cassie Bogalski and Christy Dougherty.

They are our sugar mamas. So thank you, ladies, for being our premium sponsors Also coming up on June 9th Is going to be our 300th episode of Watch for Crappins And we're going to do a party for it Somewhere in Hollywood We don't know where it's going to be yet, but we're going to

try to put something together, make some phone calls. We don't know what capacity it will be, but if you're in LA on March, I'm sorry, on June 9th, mark your calendars. We're going to have a party. We're inviting everyone. We want everyone to come. We we're just gonna drink and have fun and hopefully we have a nice turnout there is um event information on our facebook page and we will update that when we have a venue or whatever um it probably won't be that fancy so uh you can put away your evening gown so uh keep keep you know keep an eye on that because it'll be super cool and fun. Love it. Love you. Love it.

We do really love it. So on today's episode, we are going to talk about Real Houses of Dallas and Southern Charm and Shazza Sunset. And is there anything else we're going to talk about, Ronnie? That's it, Bans. That's it, Benz. That's it. So why don't we start things off first by going to the Krappen's mailbag. The Krappen's mailbag. Alright, let's see what's in the Krappen's mailbag. Of course, I don't actually have it open right now.

What the hell? Open the bag. That's what the song is for. Like, open the bag. Seriously? I have to make my way over to the mailbox to open it. Seriously? Seriously?

The Krappens mailbag, for those of you guys. It's been a seriously heavy day already from that bonus episode. Lots of seriously. Lots of seriously.. Lots of seriously. Lots of seriously. A lot of seriously. I love this image that you created, Ronnie, of Ramona as the postman. That is fantastic.

I'm here, okay? You've got a package, okay? Like, you have to sign for it, okay? Okay. Okay. Do you want to, is this going to have a return receipt? Okay. I can't even deliver mail anymore because one time, we were getting mail while my dad was yelling at my mom and he said, shut your slut. And like now when I go to people's mailboxes, I can't even shut the slut. So I got fired.

Okay. I know as a mailman, I'm supposed to deliver mail through rain and snow and sunshine. But you know what though? I'm not going to deliver in the snow. It's dangerous. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No mail through rain and snow and sunshine. But you know what, though? I'm not going to deliver in the snow. It's dangerous. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No mail in the snow for Ramona. I refused to deliver in the Berkshires and so they fired me, okay?

Okay. So the first question is from Samantha Baez. Baez? Baez? Baez. Like Joan. Joan Baez. Well Like Joan Joan Baez Well Joan Baez I thought it was B-A-E-Z

And this is B-A-I-Z I don't know I'm not looking at it I'm just guessing Alright I'm guessing So Samantha B Says Hi guys

I love you I'm obsessed with you both I wrote you a song It's called I love you I love you so fucking much Okay here's my question Would you rather have Heidi From Real House to Dallas do your makeup for a week or have Whitney serenade you in public?

I would almost choose the makeup because that scene with Whitney had such a weird dad embarrassment vibe that it totally paralyzed me in horror. Paralyzed! P.S. Ronnie, more childhood stories, please. So what do you think? Heidi's makeup. Have Heidi do your makeup or have Whitney serenade you in public? I think that I would have to choose Heidi because I don't even want to go out in public for a week. So that's out.

Yeah. Yeah. I think the thing is that if Heidi did your makeup, it would be on you, but then you'd forget it. And you could just walk around like normal. your makeup you would it would be on you but then you'd forget it and you could just walk around like normal whereas if whitney were serenading me in public all the time it's like you could not get rid of him it'd just be terrible yeah if you're wearing makeup and you look really hideous around here people are like oh bless her heart they're actually nicer to you yeah oh someone with the courage to transition even though they're hideously ugly i mean i think i'd like to look like stevie nicks

for a week stevie nicks she does kind of have a stevie nicks vibe if stevie nicks were more like fuck you and your vagina you stupid whore she's somewhere between courtney love and stevie nicks courtney love yeah yeah there's i i don't know uh yeah i'm gonna go with heidi's makeup i'm gonna go with heidi's makeup too okay good shep is just too embarrassing yeah i would rather go around with heidi's makeup than trying to explain whitney's makeup to standers by you know yeah um marg nap says smooches boys nothing beats smoking a fat joint and listening to you guys here goes bravo asks you guys to cast their new reality show bravo wife swap pick six couples from all walks of bravo to star married divorced dating baby mama couples included now swap the couples so that no

two couples are direct swaps i.e so that no husband wife are direct swaps, i.e. so that no husband and wife are swapped directly with another husband-wife pair. Please act out a conversation between each new couple. Ooh, that's tricky. So is it like we can't, like, it's like Cynthia and Peter couldn't swap with just like Nini and Greg. It would have to be like Cynthia swaps with ramona and then what i don't know i don't

understand that let's just do a regular wife swap do a wife swap yeah yeah i like this i have no the other part's too hard we're gonna be here all day i'll be like what read it again six they all rotate they all rotate one. They all stand in a circle. Crappens translate. Yeah. So let's talk about six couples. Let's just talk about some couples we would like to have on a wife swap and we'll swap some of them. Okay.

You first. Okay. Well, David and Shannon. David. David. David. Who would David go to? Anyone.

The door. Okay, if I was going to put David with a different housewife, it would probably be Luann. Because it would be really fun to watch them sneak around on each other and think the other one doesn't know. And then they would have that fight where it's like, you disrespected me. You had sex with somebody else. One of my friends you did that to me that's not girl code David and he'd be like ah well I

looked at your snapchat and there were dick pics in there and she'd be like how dare you and then they'd fight because they'd both be cheating yeah I think that I just think they'd just go and get wasted somewhere they'd just go to a sushi bar and get wasted and then Shannon would show up in a golf cart and pick up David and be like,

David, David, were you drinking with Luann? You never drink with me. David never drinks with me. Shannon would just pass by in the golf cart. I'd be like, David! David! Who would Shannon swap with? Shannon would probably maybe Shannon and Peter.

Peter's brew. Hey, Shannon, try this coffee. Peter? Peter? Peter? Peter, Hey, Shannon, try this coffee. Peter. Peter. Peter. Peter, this doesn't taste like good coffee. No, try it again. Peter, are you going up to bar one?

Peter. Peter. I'm going to start a new business. Dr. Peter Moon. It's just like bark with his sticker on it. Like his face is a sticker on it. Maybe Lisa Rinna with. I would like to see Lisa Rinna with the Dallas husband.

He's not even the husband, but the boyfriend, Leanne's boyfriend, because he's like so down home and sensible. And he's always looking like, are you just joshing me? He's always got that look on his face. And I think they would just be a hilarious couple. Own it, baby. He'd basically be like, now, are we going to be going to Dubai to go do some dancing?

Yes, baby. You're going to own it, baby. You're going to dance up a storm, baby. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. My husband Harry Hamlin is here, baby. That's not my name now. Are you kidding? I'm just kidding, baby. Baby. That's not what I said. Now, I? I'm just kidding, baby. Baby. That's not what I said.

Now, I think you're just maybe taking things a little too dramatical. You need to take it down a few notches and just relax and think about what being a good Christian is. You're right, baby. I'm Christian. She agrees with everything. Yeah. Gosh, there's so many trolleys in this city. Own it, trolley. Own it, trolley.

Own it, trolley. She would hit that trolley. She'd still be mad. They'd be like, uh-oh, Rinna's instantly angry. I guess the trolley's passing somewhere. I can feel the trolley outside. Totally disrespecting me. I have nothing to say to you, trolley.

You do not pass by Harry Hamlin, trolley. You do not, unless you're going to own it, baby. Own it, trolley. What is the trolley doing at Kyle's party in Palm Springs, baby? It's the fat burger truck. Why are they serving fat burger out of the trolley? You better own it that you're a fat burger trolley. Now, I don't want you talking to hamburgers like that's how you talk to yourself

with self-hatred. I want you to come back from that. Okay, baby! I'm back! This makes no sense. Alright, why don't we move on to Lauren Grabowski who says Can you guys just have a conversation between

JD and Ray? Maybe JD can supply bourbon to one of Ray's charity events. Maybe throw in some Tuomi from Shaw's. These are your three best new voices. I love you guys, you bitch! These are also the three voices that, like, destroy my voice the most. Who do you want to be, Ray or JD? I'll be JD.

That seems to be my stronger voice these days. Okay. So, uh, all right. Hey, Ray! Oh my God,

JD! Like, I'm obsessed with you. I've been trying to call you all day, bitch! Like, I'm in love with you, bitch!

Wow, wow, wow, did you have a bourbon yet? Ah, Ray! Yes! I wanted to tell you about this bourbon I'm, Ray. I wanted to tell you

about this bourbon I'm having to piece. Oh, my God. I'm going to piece a bitch. Now, Ray, did Luanne say that you'd be running the bourbon division

of my company because that's not going to happen now? I'll tell you what Luanne said. She wants my sperm. That's what she wants. She wants me to jerk off on her face.

What? Tommy. Oh, bitch. You're a crazy bitch, bitch. Trash. Wow. I love that Tommy over here. Tommy, you want to have a position in my bourbon company?

You're rude. I've been walking around all weekend saying that. You're rude. Trash. It's kind of funny that he brought you're rude back in right when Fuller House is on Netflix. I know. You know, the thing is, I've been, so, you know, I'm watching, you know, Ray's Instagram. And it's kind of sad because now he's, like, in on his own joke.

And so now he's,'s like trying really hard to, to like be hilarious. And the more he tries, the less hilarious he becomes. Cause he's like, everything is now like hashtag Bravo hashtag. Watch what happens live. So now he's become really thirsty.

And well, he always was. I mean, I've never seen someone drink more on their Instagram and that includes Gigi. That's true. But he put up a video Saturday night of him making it rain and being like, Make it rain, you bitch! But then I guess it didn't get enough views because he took it down and he posted it again the next day.

It was like, Crazy things happened last night. Who told you? Who, you trash? Oh, God. I was like, Oh, don't take it down and put it back up again just to get more views. That's sad. Who do you know in Ibiza, Rain, bitch?

You're rude, Rain. Rude. Rude. Rude. And let's see. Let's see. Michael Horn. Which season one Housewives cast do you think was the best?

Personally, I'm having a hard time deciding between Beverly Hills and New York. Season one cast? A season one cast of a real housewives beverly hills i have to say new york beverly hills for me all the way but i like that show better too well it's weird because beverly oh it's so hard because beverly hills had an iconic first season. I mean, those women are just all cuckoo bird if you think about it. There's Camille Grammer, one of the biggest assholes I've ever seen in my life. Amazing. And so embodies this town. Like really, really embodies this

town. Adrienne Maloof is like worth a half a zillion dollars, face like a gargoyle out front. Scary woman. Also introduced the first kickboxing scene where she's like, I can kick your ass. Yeah. Jackpot.

Taylor. I mean, Taylor Armstrong's a fucking nut. Everybody. Phantom pump. Darling! I mean, it's funny because that whole cast swirled together perfectly in season one to make an epic first season that's one of the best first seasons ever in reality history. But then Real Housewives of New York City, oh my god. I mean, can you really ignore the contributions of a Bethany Frankel and a Jill Zarin and a Countess Luanne and a Ramona and an Alex McCord?

I mean – Yeah. That show took me longer to get into. I still really love it, obviously, but it took me longer to get into because when I lived in New York, it just made me so crazy by the time I left that maybe it was too soon or something, but whenever I heard like,

It's like that intense kind of like bickery talking. I was like, oh, I wanted to throw myself down subway stairs. But now, of course, I'm totally in love with it. But it just took me longer. Yeah, no, I thought, I mean, I love Beverly Hills season one. I'm sorry. I love Beverly Hills and I love New York City season.

It's hard. Well, there you go. It's a tie then. I know because it's like, would you judge it based on the personalities that were introduced or the drama that they created? Because if it's by the drama. I think just the personalities because the drama is so silly. It's always secondary. You remember their, you know, how they dealt with it, man.

Yeah. I don't. I just. It's a tie. I'm going to say by uh by a hair i don't know an argument could be made that new york didn't really an argument could be made that new york did not truly come into its own until season two with the revival of kelly ben simone so and was that sonia morgan was season three right or was she season two she yeah i think sonia was three yeah

so yeah the real sonia didn't even show up until season four. Because season three, Sonya was so nice and quiet. Sure, you can use my house for your charity event. I just have to clean up all these boxes. Such a mess since the divorce. And now she's like crazy ass Sonya. Yeah. I don't know.

Really hard question. That's a great one. And I think that's one that people should weigh in on on our Facebook. On the comments section for this bonus post, write in what you think is the best season one Housewives cast. Weigh in on Beverly Hills in New York

or if there's another cast that you think is really strong. So check that out. I think that's good enough for the mailbag today. would you say? Right on. Let's move on to some shoes. All right.

What show would you like to start off with, Mr. Ronnie? Whale Band. I'm just open to whatever you're up for. I can buy them today. Dallas or Shaw's. Shaw's was pretty juicy. So was Southern Charm, really. They were all good.

They were all good. Whatever you would like, honey. Lady's choice. Let's start with Dallas. We always start with Dallas. Dallas! Why not continue to start with Dallas? Because it's funny. And it'll probably be off the air soon

because Orange County is coming back, and then New Jersey. Orange County comes back next month. And I think it's coming back on Mondays, so chances are it's going to take over Dallas' time slot. Yeah, this will be like a short season for the first.

So let's do Dallas. Let's do some Dallas right now. Dallas. Okay, so don't we open with Heidi, this crazy Heidi lady? Yeah, so it opens up with the arrival of the corny love of Dallas strutting through the streets, coming to arrive at lunch with, I think, I believe it was Tiffany and Leigh-Anne, correct?

Yeah. And they're like, you know, talking about charity. With her t-shirt, her hip-hop t-shirt with a big gold dollar sign with diamonds. She's like trying to be so like clever and wonderful and everyone's like bowing down

at her. It's Heidi F. Dillon. That woman will change your charity world forever. I know, and Heidi is trying to be fabulous. She's like, well, you know how I always call women skanks? So here, I got some t-shirts that say skank on it.

Hashtag skanks of Dallas, y'all. They're like, oh, wow, you are so hip-hop right now. You are outrageous. Wait till I tell my rocker husband, Aaron Hendra, about how outrageous you are. Maybe

he'll have you open for him with some comedy routines. My genre is rock as witnessed by my rock star of a boyfriend who might marry me one time. But I still do like the radio. And I was like, you better pretend to like rock. You better pretend to like hip hop or your charity world is over, Tiffany.

You better grin and smile and listen to the fat boys because you better like hip hop now. Grin and bareback it, just like they used to sing in the carnival. That's what I'm saying. Whatever. So basically Tiffany is like, I'm going to throw my own charity event and so I have to ask the queen

of charity events, Heidi Dillon. So Heidi, I would love to have my boyfriend. It's like a double charity. One for my boyfriend and one for African schools because they need light bulbs. We have a charity to install fluorescent lights

in Africa. So, I was wondering if you would come to a concert that my husband Aaron Hendra is performing at because he's got lights in his hair so it really matches the man has a hair iron and so we're gonna get hair irons for children in africa what do you think heidi and heidi is like well i love that we we've got we've got a kid angle we've got lights people

love lights people love kids i'm like what are you pitching like this is the dumbest thing i've ever heard they're like all right i'm green lighting your charity it really hits all four quadrants kids africa um is there aids in it no okay maybe three quadrants all right look just put aids on the hair irons all right we'll do AIDS next year. Will there be any animals? How about fluorescent lights for animals in Africa? Fluorescent lights for hyenas with AIDS. People are really into dogs right now. People are really feeling them. Okay, and

hyenas are pretty close. So then they start talking about who should come and of course Leanne's like how about inviting, oh well I'm sorry because Heidi says that she's going to throw a party. Yeah, Frito chili pie. I don't know if this Heidi woman even knows she's being ironic because part of it is like, I'm saying a joke like everything's a joke.

But then the other part is like, yeah, but you're still a lady in like a giant dollar sign planning to make a Frito pie dinner party. I know. And they're like, I love Fritos. You know what I love? I love Fritos too. Fritos are my favorite. Heidi, I love Fritos. You know what I love? I love Fritos too. Fritos are my favorite. Heidi, you are so smart to use something with Fritos. I can talk people into donating their homes for charity.

But people will not let go of their Cheetos. Just because it's called a Frito Pie doesn't mean it's for free, okay? You better pony up all that money for fluorescent lights for Africa. Oh, my god, Leanne. So, oh, Heidi also shows what a bitch she's about to be, I guess through this entire series now. They're like,

bring on a crazy old person. Okay, we know someone. She's like, who should I invite to my Frito party? And Leanne's like, well, why don't you invite Leanne and Brandy? Yeah, Brandy and then she's yeah brandy and stephanie so that how they can learn to hate them on their own like it's no fun if she's just hating them because i'm telling her to like it's more fun if she does it on their own

yeah that's pretty much what it was and then they're like and then and tiffany's like well i'm like 50 50 on carrie and then heidi's like, well, you know what I hear about Carrie. I hear that there are a lot of women who got their rich husbands by giving them blowjobs under the desk. And I hear Carrie falls into that category. It's like, well, what do you think happens in most relationships, bitch? You think there are no blowjobs in a relationship? Of course you give them a blowjob under the desk. It's like more damning if you say, oh, I hear she didn't get into like i heard she became a vice president because she gave blow jobs under the desk that's damning

but when you say oh i hear the way that she got her husband is by giving him a blow job under the desk it's like yeah no shit sherlock i'm sure it wasn't the only blow job and i'm sure it was in a lot of different places yeah she also got a husband so she kind of wins yeah like wait like way to drop the bombshell on that heidi wow, I heard that she was kissing her man. That's how she got her husband. I'll tell you what. Those two were hugging right from the start, and everybody knows it.

I heard that on the day of their wedding, you know what she did? She wrote vows about how much she loved him. I mean, what a slut. I love the way, I like when women, because I get what she's saying. She's saying these rich women, they were secretaries

and they were on their knees under the desk and then that's how they got their biggest promotion. I mean, I kind of get that, but at the same time, like you're success shaming, you know? What about all the women who are giving that shit away for free in the back of a bar?

Like, how about we give people like Carrie, you know, a thumbs up for doing well in the world yeah carrie actually has a job and she she actually works in an or okay so it's not like she was you know like one of the receptionists on secrets and wives for that sleazy uh um you know plastic surgeon you know yeah yeah she doesn't have to be put into a blazer she was like sitting there making jokes while ripping someone's chest open with her hands yeah okay so exactly let's have some hoe um faming instead of some hoe shaming yeah and you know what how you next time you go in for an operation on your face uh how about you don't make fun of the woman who is

going to be holding the knives all right How about you don't start a revolution? Like, what, we're going to suddenly start hating people because they're fucking dudes for money? Like, Bravo will be over. Yeah. Where'd your money come from anyway, Heidi? How about that? No kidding, Heidi.

You invent the Post-it? I didn't think so. All right, so then, speaking of Carrie, we then go on to... Speaking of Carrie, she's gross, though. I have to say. Yeah, speaking of Carrie, we then go on to – Speaking of Carrie, she's gross, though. I have to say. Yeah. Speaking of Carrie, she has really boring storylines.

Speaking of Carrie. Already stood up for her. Now I hate her. Yeah. That's fair. But, yeah, we're like, now that we stood up for you, we do have to admit that her storylines are almost always really boring. It's the same thing. Like, hey, honey, we're going to have sex tonight.

Oh, no. I'm too tired to have sex. I got to go yoga class. All right. Well honey, we're going to have sex tonight. Oh, no. I'm too tired to have sex. I got to go yoga class. All right. Well, I'm going to buy you a dress. Oh, my God. You're going to buy me a dress. Okay.

Maybe we'll have sex. Probably not. Yeah. Look at that dress. Gross. Keep your creepy husband off the TV if he's just going to be jerking off to expensive dresses. It's weird. Don't even look good.

Don't ever trust a woman who looks like a praying mantis. And then we go to Brandy, who is like, surprise, surprise. Heart whispers with Brandy. Something is going terrible in my life, Mom.

Mom, are you crying too? I'm crying too, Mom. I was like, oh my God. Like, what's next? This woman is an endless fount of just crap. Yeah. It's like, what could possibly be happening now? And guess what?

Her brother went to Afghanistan. Now he has PTSD and he tried to kill himself. Oh my God. Do you think that he really needs that to be on TV? You know, this Brandy, she keeps bringing these men into shit on TV that they do not want to be a part of. The guy is freaking out. He doesn't need to be mentioned on all over national TV. You talking

about him trying to kill himself. And then they show photos of him too. It's like attention America, this man is depressed. So every time with Brandy, Brandy go out and get some I mean, I know you're a ginger, so not literal son, but some air or something. I mean, yeah.

Good. Just go to a movie. Whispering with Brandy in the car about something both me and my mom are upset about. So but my favorite is that then she's driving her car to Steph's house. So she gets to Steph's place and she's like, how's it going? So it's like, oh, well, you would not believe it today. I drove my kids all the way to school and by the time I got there, I

realized that Taylor, he did not even have his shoes on. And Brandy's like, my brother tried to commit suicide. I mean, you told me that before I said the shoes story. Why did you set her up? Totally.

Welcome. Welcome to my kitchen. I've got 900 knives on the knife block. What are you doing? Oh my god. Chance didn't wear his shoes to school. What are the chances? Get it? My brother's almost dead. My brother almost died oh oh oh is he okay no not really oh okay right as she like quietly puts away panties that she's gonna put on gail and oprah okay i guess i'll put the practical jokes the statue jokes over here for the moment i guess gail and oprah aren't going to be trading places today

brandy's like crying and talking about how her brother was like on the floor saying how there is no god and it's like not in front of the kids and and then it's really angry and she had no idea it was this deep and everything and stephanie's like you know i can really relate because sometimes i can't find the other sock and i'm like where are you god in my moment of need that reminds me of all the soldiers in my house who have lost their shoes. Yeah, Brandy. She's like, he said if we saw everything that was happening over there that we just couldn't. We couldn't. She's like, wait till he sees Bravo.

Jeez. Poor guy. Leave him alone. Leave him off TV, Brandy. Okay? Do stuff on your own. Stop dragging people into your weird shit. I mean, your husband you're allowed to drag, but your brother, leave him out of it.

Poor guy. She just has the saddest life. Like, just not entertaining sad, just sad. Dysfunctional marriage, dysfunctional relationship with her mom and her grandfather, suicidal brother. It's just sad. That girl is buying inspirational quotes on print to canvas art at ross dress for less sad yeah uh but perhaps even sadder is watching leanne and tiffany go shopping for aaron hendra's big concert at the thrift store we're gonna look hip like the

kids because we're wiping up the shizzle for the house of blues event see that i said shizzle which is a reference to twizzlers i think i don't even know what that means i just read it on uh hidey shirt one time and i'm repeating it because she is the queen of charity she is the queen of charity and the queen of slang tiffany well i i'm so excited for my charity event because, you know, my boyfriend is really going to make a splash in the African Latin world. But I just want to make sure that you aren't going to beat somebody up. Lynn's like,

I know. I'm so sorry. I owe you an apology. I owe Stephanie an apology. I owe you an apology. That is not Christian. I'm going to move on as a better Christian and a better woman tiffany's like okay and brandy too well now i'm not sure about brandy still might kill that little whore face but her brother's suicidal she's like oh okay fine i guess she's not i guess she's you know

i guess she's not as nice as brad i guess she's like a human being. Fine. I stopped seeing her as just an irrelevant, stupid, desperate C-word. But now I see her as a human desperate, irrelevant C-word. And that's different. You know what? I'm going to apologize to her right after I apologize to the trolley authority of Dallas. I'm writing them a letter

right now, trying to find their mailbox. You hunt down that trolley and get back to me. But be careful. It could run you over over and if it does you better smack it right on the side make sure it knows you're there you gotta know who's who all right i'm the boss you're the trolley oh so speaking of the boss and the trolley let's go back over to carrie's house he buys her her dress for their anniversary and she gets him a card yeah and it's not even a nice card it's just like some construction paper it's like love you love me he's like oh thank you honey it was totally worth the 10 000 dress dollar dress i just bought you it was a roberto cavalli dress and you know we

always say that line from big business where bett midler sneers the woman in the office because he looked like a blood clot but this in this case it actually looked like clotted blood it looked like she had just been splashed by all the blood in the or and and drag blood it was not a good dress i'm sorry i don't care who designed it it was it was bad well he came um and i liked it it was like well here's taylor taylor is my husband's personal shopper for me and he's like hey girl it's like i love that he has his own little Taylor that he goes off to do dirty things with, which equals getting a glitter dress. I mean, what the hell? The gays on Dallas are really very interesting. You know, Taylor is more of like a standard gay.

There's the other gay, the little Republican looking gay who Tiffany hates. Oh, he's horrible. He was on – someone posted that he used to be on that show, The A-List. Yeah, I didn't realize that, but he was on The A-List, Allison. A lot of terrible. But then there's, like, this whole, like, older generation of gays that keep popping up, and they are just so bizarre. There's, like, that one guy who's, like – he looks like meatloaf, but he's gay. He's, like, a gay meatloaf.

And I mean that both in terms of the singer and the cuisine. Oh, the one that shows up with Carrie later? He has like long hair, sort of like the hair from Beauty and the Beast, the ABC TV show. Yeah. Yeah, and then there was the other one. I don't know. Very interesting gays on this show. Very, very interesting.

The gays on that show are kind of like the gays in LA, like when they age and they still have to stay in town, they just start acting like Heidi. They're like, I'm going to wear hip hop shirts. Is it ironic? Girl, I don't know. But if they get a chance to wear a wig and some short shorts at a party, they'll do it. They'll be like, yes, golf, bitch. Yes. So then we go to Brandy and Brian getting dinner.

So it's like, oh, great. Here comes some more sadness. But it was reverse sadness because Brian was basically like, he just realized that he was being a dick on TV. So he's like, well, you know, sorry for ignoring you and not loving you. So I'm going to pay attention to you. I really appreciate that because i was just like it hurt my feelings and he's like i know i'm sorry and she was like

you know like my brother he's been feeling so lonely and he almost killed himself because he was in a war and made me think about how i feel lonely too i'm like wait don't compare your loneliness to your brother's loneliness because his loneliness is like serious. Well, not that hers isn't serious, but his is like a scary loneliness born out of seeing war and death. And yours is like you're alone in a McMansion, okay? Yeah. You know, he has to fly all over the world to kill people and you fly all over the world and, you know, I'm just sad. It's like, uh, those are not the same things, okay? She's like, I can only watch Dora the Explorer

and Thomas the Train so many times before I, too, feel like I've been to Afghanistan. I feel like if my brother just had a wife paying attention to him in Afghanistan, he wouldn't be miserable right now. Oh, my God. Shut up, Randy. I know.

And you can see it all on the husband's face he's just okay i'm sorry yes you're right i'm sorry maybe we should have more date nights like this one at whiskey cake oh my god do people ever go anywhere other than like the cheesecake factory or it's it's ilk yeah i don't think so I don't know if there is even anything beyond the Cheesecake Factory in Dallas I could be wrong it's whiskey and cake it's caked on whiskey

speaking of caked on we then have Leanne who her blush is really out of control and it was funny that they made fun of it later in the episode because I had to make a note of it I was like she is I mean she is really starting to look like some hussy from 1746 at this point in the middle of france she is like she has so much pink blush going on it's out it's out of control i know what you're thinking it's just that pretty girl ian so she has lunch with Steph and Steph's like, oh my god so good to see you.

But she's really terrified. And so Leanne's like, this was my fault so I am reaching out. Now listen, I am so sorry about not controlling my behavior with you. That was so wrong. Yeah, you hurt my feelings. That is not

who I am. It came from a place of pain. I was a carnage kid. Say, yeah, you hear my feelings? That is not who I am. It came from a place of pain. I was a carnage kid. I was like, oh. Yeah, just like, I yelled at you because I was raised on a carnival and people were mean to me. One time they put me on a Ferris wheel

and made me ride all night long. And after that, I decided I will speak up for myself and I will yell at people. People kept dying on the roller coaster and who'd they make be the tester? Me, every single time. Do you know what that feels like? Um, okay, well thanks for lunch.

It hurts. You're leaving just like all the guests left the carny when the week was done. I spent every night sleeping in the fun house or as I called it, the not fun house. That's why I have a distorted sense of reality, because crazy mirrors are actually my normal mirrors now. I used to think that I could eat five corn dogs a night for dinner

when I was in the carny, and I wasn't gaining any weight. I was just one of those pretty girls who always stayed thin. But then I realized the mirrors are funny in the carny house. I've really gained 900 pounds. You know what that's like? No one ever told me there was a real thing called cotton. I thought it was just cotton candy.

So I made all my clothes out of cotton candy. And then I once, rain on me, and it all disintegrated. And I was naked in the carnival. First time I wore one, it was summer in Mississippi.

That got ugly. Ugly and sticky. Gosh, if I had a trolley, I could one, it was summer in Mississippi. That got ugly. Ugly and sticky. Gosh, if I had a trawler, I could have slapped it. Man, I would have slapped it 500 times that day. And Leanne goes, I mean, Steph goes, Well, this apology is really more for her than for me. And then it cuts to Leanne going, That's why I need a book and a talking circuit.

So I can explain how awful it was being in the carny. Save other people from those carnies. If you want to hear him speak, you have to put on a little bracelet around your wrists. Maybe get some tickets too. There'll be a raffle. People come listen to me speak and they think, now what is this pretty girl going to tell me? God gave me these burdens. listen to me speak and they think, now what is this pretty girl going to tell me? God gave me these burdens. God

put me in a carny's tummy so I could help other people born into the carnival. Okay, that's not a buck circuit, but what does Stephanie know? If you want to come see me speak, parking will be very restricted. We can only fit six little cars in that thing that goes around that you can honk their horns.

So, better get a spot quickly. I suggest the Lyft bus. It'll pick you up from parking lot D. If you want to see me speak, I'll be in the space shuttle, but you better buckle your seats because it gets up and it looks like we're going to the moon. It's just a simulation.

I have a bicycle picking you up, but you have to wear a blindfold so you never can tell anybody where I'm speaking at the carnival. Okay,

so stupid Liam. So then next is Aaron getting his hair extra feathered for his

big concert. He's like, you know, the other day, someone came up to me and said,

you look like a rock star. I said, really? He's like, oh, I know. You look like me and said you look like a rock star and i said really who he's like oh i know you look like molly cyrus's dad and i thought billy ray cyrus normally people say i look like keith urban but now i'm never billy ray cyrus i'm like do you realize that both are not things you want to be compared to no kidding and tiffany's like oh who cares there are poorer people that you could look like yeah like billy ray cyrus if you don't want people to call you billy ray stop spray tanning and wearing chucky hair that you fucking flat iron

yeah dude yeah exactly like you know it's just it's it's just sad it's like i'm sorry aaron but it is no longer 1999 it is time to get a modern rocker haircut if you want to stay current. Johnny You've currently got lesbian mom hair, basically. No offense, lesbian moms, but look in the mirror, you know it's true. It's weird that he seems to be cognizant of how ridiculous his hair is, and yet he doesn't want to change it.

Makes me look like a rock star. Or Billy Ray Cyrus. Yeah. I mean, unfortunately if you want to look younger or whatever you have to do that facially and still that doesn't work people just accept it you get older who gives a fuck these shows are so crazy they act like getting older like watching this heidi person try and glom onto anybody just to do this it's just like oh my god age gracefully you're not supposed to give a fuck still i know i like that

someone tweeted at us that uh someone referred to aaron as keith suburban he's like well i'll tell you one thing that screams you october here's my song october it's october after september october i'll love you in october like oh please be quiet you've really printed a giant banner that says october oh gosh so then you could have gotten that shit for free so then so then we it's it's time to go to uh the actual the the big concert for fluorescent light bulbs. And speaking of hair, Tiffany's like, you know, I've always liked a faux hawk,

so I told my hairdresser, have at it, and he certainly went at it. I'm like, Tiffany, that is not a faux hawk. You just made your hair look like a loaf of bread that came out of my bread machine. That's what it looks like. You look like a Lebanese toddler is on your head, just this hairy baby sitting on top of your head. You look like an Ikea storage cube made out of hair.

I like when they were showing Leanne. Well, that's different. Just saying. I'm just saying. When she started with her just saying, I was like, no. Stop just saying. I'm just saying. The cockatoo called and it wants to do back know what i'm saying looks like a pancake that's gonna fall in front of your face and you

know what i don't do pancakes those are too many carbs for me unless it's the outer shell of a corn dog unless there's some fritos in there if there's some fritos then i'm down for it else the homemade pancake the girls arrive you know that girl's never had a homemade pancake that girl is totally frozen pancakes her whole childhood trust me i really enjoy a crusty's pancake from the mix i was raised by a carny i just said that i was raised by one of them what What does that mean? I'm like outing myself. Like, I'm a carnit kid too. I just meant I'm raised by someone who also unfroze pancakes. I get it.

I see it in her. That's what I'm saying. Okay. Anyway. So the girls start arriving at this thing. And Heidi comes in. And, you know, here's Heidi. She's like, I'm going to have fun with the girls.

And they're like, ew. Like, everyone won't talk to her as kind of gross. They try and kiss her butt at first but carrie already knows her because carrie's stole the husband of this woman's friend so heidi's friends with the original wife so they already kind of hate each other and it's pretty hilarious yeah they're they're very they're very they have a lot of like a good like frenemy tension and and and And Heidi's talking about all the things that she does. She's like, well, you know, I do makeup. That's one thing.

When you guys come over to my house, I'm going to do your makeup. And I also paint. And I also like to do some woodworking. And sometimes I like to go drive trucks across the country. And Carrie's like, oh, that's so great. You turned 60 and you sort of can do whatever you want. You can just let it all go. Then they just feel good to hang up just hang up the phone after that long 60 year conversation with the world just say i'm done i'm 60 and hide is like well i never yeah

it's like how dare she which again this is some idiot using age against someone else which is totally gross but it's also gross to even give a shit what some little 39 year old bitch with a praying mantis face thinks yeah exactly um so there's like awkwardness between them and then Aaron gets on stage and starts he starts singing his song which

to me it sort of sounded like generic Christian rock right yeah just just that sort of sound yeah like yeah there's not a white person there's not a white person in america who didn't feel a little bit of going through them while that was playing we're all like oh dad i know and then he goes then he's like i'd like to dedicate this next song to brandy's suicidal brother because he's suicidal and i want to let you know hang in there and here's a song that will never make you want to kill yourself all right everyone one

two three four i'm alone all the time i want to die can i die it's october feathered hair feathered hair look over there for the hair. I almost died in October. Oh, geez. Brandy's like, well, that's nice. I wish you would have warned me so I could have like Snapchat it this to my brother. He could have used it. I think it's for the best. Like you guys need to get this straight.

Is this for veterans, children in Africa who need light bulbs, light bulbs in general, or old rockers, you know, to get hair irons. Or suicidal light bulbs. Your charity is all over the place, Missy. Just saying. His charity does makeup also. But I love that Brandy doesn't even try and videotape it on her phone for her brother. It just kind of shows.

She's like, wow, here's a song. A ten minute speech about how this is for my brother, and I'm never going to think to tape this and send it to my brother, who could probably use it right now. Well, she was crying because the night before she prayed to God. She's like, dear God, will you let something special happen in this universe

so that way my brother knows that there's hope and light, and then the next day it happens, and she sees this, and she's like, this is all that I get? Oh, God. And that's why she's crying. But he's all still mad because he can't get permission to marry miley cyrus oh i hate miley cyrus's dad calm down over there what's happening i like to dedicate this one also to brandy's suicidal brother it's called called Really Achy Breaky Heart. Achy Breaky Heart is better than being dead. You know what I mean?

All right. Start from the top. Pretty Fragile Heart. He's like, hello, Dallas. I'd just like to say, hello, Dallas. I'm like, what do you want, tour? Please, you're playing some venue your girlfriend printed out for you. Stop acting like you're on a national tour with U2.

What an honor it is for me to be playing on the second stage at House of Blues in downtown on a Tuesday night at 7 p.m. Baby steps in October. My next song for veterans of light bulbs in African schools. I just had a light bulb moment literally about light bulbs.

I wish someone could iron out my brother's kinks. God. Oh my God. It's a guy with straight hair singing about my brother. Oh, I am such an Aaron Handra head. Okay, so let's get on for this House of Lees. What's next?

Leanne and man. Yeah, Leanne and man. Bring me some Frito pie, baby. No, I will. And she's complaining about Carrie. And he's like, I don't see what the problem is. I think she's great. I don't see what she hates is. I think she's great. I don't see what the shit she hates dancing.

And that's wonderful. Well, I've never seen that woman when she's not in a beautiful gown. That's for sure. But I love that Leanne is going in one episode. She's like, I owe someone an apology. Now,

how do I murder Carrie Dubin right here at this party? Like she's ready to kill somebody at every moment and she's like yeah she pushes my buttons we talked about that earlier so she goes i'm not the only person in the charity world everyone knows her husband was married when they met and he goes whoa whoa whoa now that's a rumor right the important thing is we heard that she gives head you ever thought about doing that yourself leanne no i like to slap i just will slap your penis i like to troll and just slap it i just get mad at it i say come on get get excited for me and then it does i'm like why are you excited i slap it trying to embarrass me in front of the chair of the world it's like someone trying to sneak into the car calm down Q Joe

so Carrie and Courtney okay so there's this other new girl I guess they're already trying new people out because half the cast is probably terrified of Leanne so they've got this new girl who's kind of a bitch and Carrie's like

well I heard that Leanne and Heidi aren't fans because supposedly I'm a homewrecker or whatever. Just my home look wrecked to you. And then her shady makeup artist, who sort of looks like Ellen John meets Ina Garten's florist, he's like, well, she's always walking around with all that pink blush on. Then Carrie holds up this bright pink thing to her cheek he's like is there something on my cheek something on my cheek i was loling um carrie's awful like she's the one who fat shames her husband like she's an awful human being but i'm still liking her i just wrote down i think like three times i wrote down i know i'm supposed to hate her but i like her i don't know why she is a bitch like jumping ahead i don't mean to jump

ahead too much but when she does walk into heidi's party she is a bitch she does the classic bitch thing where she like pretends to get distracted and doesn't hug the hostess whatever that was a dog i love your dog and then it's like she has talked to that dog fred is that his name i think it was fred or something she's like she talked to fred for a good 10 minutes who does that meanwhile heidi had walked over to her had the fans blowing and she's doing her full stevie nicks thing and was totally getting ignored she's furious just as proof that heidi is one of these women who is just trying to convince you her vagina still works even though you don't care she She has a Sex and the City 2 bottle of champagne on her bar.

No, I didn't even notice that. Yeah, that's so bad. So the party starts, and everyone's getting their... The theme of the party is Goth County Fair. Yeah, Gothic State Fair or something. Gothic State Fair. Weird.

Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. Franthi's like, I didn't know what that means, so I'm a dead rose girl. I sell roses. And there's always two bomb bans. Yeah, she did. They all did, though. They all did. Actually, Heidi looked kind of normal.

She looked kind of like herself. Yeah. Leanne looked like some terrible tribute to Sgt. Pepper's. It was just gold chains over black. It was an unmitigated disaster. And again, pink blush in full effect. And she shows up and she's – for some reason she's – I think, again, because of the Frito Pie or whatever, she starts launching into this whole thing about how she ate chili dogs for dinner at the carnival her entire like her entire childhood she's like i was one of those girls who could just go eat the entire concession stand one concession stand after another after another and after another and be like is

there another concession stand well if you weren't so lazy you could have made a directory like any good fair would have or any good carnival would have terrible carny kid well i like how she said it as if it was a totally relatable thing like you know what it's like you know when you just eat out an entire concession stand and go to like five of them and you're like where's another concession stand i'm like i don't know this experience at all and heidi's just looking at her like and that's story should be more embarrassing to you i'm gonna pretend i'm not listening to this while i eat the side she's like you know my favorite way to make frito pies is to take all the ingredients, put it in a bowl, and get on the scrambler and see what happens.

The scrambler. I always have her get on the scrambler every week. Inevitably, I always have a story where Leanne gets on a scrambler. Anti-scramblers who taught me how to put on blush. Scrambler taught me to have restraint because I remember the first time I went on the scrambler, I thought I was going to crash right into that wall. And then at the last second, it just pulls me away. And I was like, hey, you better stop it, Scramblers, who taught me how to put on blush. Scrambler taught me to have restraint because I remember the first time I went on Scrambler,

I thought I was going to crash right into that wall. And then at the last second, it just pulls me away. And I was like, hey, you better stop it, Scrambler. You better stop it. Oh, I'm safe. So I learned restraint. I was supposed to be doing bingo day in the bingo tent, and I didn't want to. So I came outside, and I'm sitting there on that Scrambler.

It was my favorite ride. I'm sitting there with my dauber, and that thing started. Boom, I got dauber all over my face. Hence my blush. Thank you, Scrambler. Love the corndogs. Thanks for having me. I call my look Scrambler Shake. It's what happens when you do your makeup on the Scrambler. It's my favorite way to do the makeup.

Oh, Leanne. What my friends and I do is we get our little pad ready, our little puff pad ready and we'll dip it in the blush and then when we go by each other on the Scrambler, we try to touch each other's cheeks and see what we can do well we weren't allowed to have knives until we were 10 so when the girls would torture me they chased me around with daubers and just you know they would know who got the most hits in because they'd use different colors and that's where i learned to put on blush so you know blush still hurts my feet sometimes

sometimes i would get into the salt and pepper shaker, and I would just open up the blush just like that, and then just let it rip. Just go hit that bar, go up and down, up and down, and boom, I'd be done. I'd be full on ahead of makeup. And I hit it with the dauber. Hit that dauber. I say, dauber, go at it.

And, you know, the abuse I suffered at the hands of daubers. That's why I don't like Carrie Duper. I'll tell you something. I grew up and I was, I was abused every single time I got into a bumper car. You know what would happen? Everyone would bump me. Everyone came and bumped me.

That was abuse. I am trying to drive a car somewhere, and you keep crashing into me. How rude. That stupid little ginger car slut bumped me. You're a brat. Y'all are brats. Why don't you just drive in your own lanes? There's some little girl crying.

I'm sorry. Your charity world is over. I'm trying to put makeup on my face with my dog But you keep crashing into my bumper cart They don't call it a bumper cart for you to bump into me They call it a bumper cart because it's supposed to think about all the bumper crops In the farmlands Oh god

So Leanne is in her weird like forgiving mood Because she only wants to fight with one person at a time I guess Tiffany was like You can't have the entire cast hate you, hun. So she's already apologized to Steph. Maria's hiding behind a house plant still. Maria's all nervous.

Terrified as usual. Maria's so nervous she spills on a couch. That one tiny couch in that whole room. What a weird place this lady lives in. She's like, I have multiple parties here. It's just like one little couch. No one can sit down.

Comfortable. She's like the queen of the charity world. And yet she lives in like a two-bedroom apartment. With like a pool. So true. So there, what was I going to say? Oh, yeah. So Leanne is trying to still pretend she's forgiving.

She's like, I just decided to move on with this stuff with Marie because, look, humans are messy and that's why there's this little thing called forgiveness. Like, okay, televangelist. Let's wait for you to just let it loose on this other chick who you're already ready to call a whore

on national TV just because you haven't liked her for a decade because your friend won't let you. Yeah, exactly. Talk about messy messy every time i see a paper towel commercial i cry because it's someone cleaning up mess and it's like the human condition um every time i read that word in the bible bounty i just get upset like you don't clean things properly mess is everywhere you know when i saw marie spill that drink On Heidi's beautiful couch I thought that makes sense

Because humans are messy And no one's messier than Marie So forgive her So she's trying to pretend that she's so nice And I guess what she was doing Was letting Heidi audition It's like okay Heidi You've given me a piece of whatever charity

Many I've raised for years now The least I could do is get you on a real housewife show audition it's like okay heidi you've you know given me a piece of whatever charity money i've raised for years now the least i could do is get you on a real housewives show yeah so she gets her on and i guess she was letting her audition and like really go for carrie but heidi totally pussied out she was being so passive aggressive with carrie but she could not just be aggressive she's like well how about if someone deep throws a corn dog? Why doesn't Carrie teach us how? I was like, oh, good one. Yeah, Carrie is like, I'm not going to do that. And not because it's insulting. It's because

I don't want the calories. Like, just give me a real penis and I'll do it for you. I'll be more than happy to. Poor sluts give blowjobs to hot dogs. Rich sluts marry the hot dogs, okay? I'm married to the hot dog factory. Yeah, but Carrie was being a bitch.

I mean, for sure, she was not being gracious to the host. Yeah, she was being snotty and gross. And she was doing this bullshit of like, you know, like Heidi wasn't making me feel comfortable, and Leanne didn't come over to say hi to me. By the way, I like how all my Dallas accents are exactly the same. But she's saying all this stuff. I'm like, you know what?

Heidi did come over to you. And you did immediately crouch down and play with the dog. And you ignored Heidi. So you were actually being rude at that moment. And Leanne is under no obligation to say hi to you because, you know, you guys hate each other. You just put poop in her seat. Like, come on. No one owes you anything, lady.

She's so bitchy but it's also hilarious because these two women have this air of importance because they're rich so heidi is not used to people not kissing her ass and she even says at one point like i'm i'm used to people talking to me like oh hey because they're always kissing your ass yeah but carrie has as much if not more money probably than her and she doesn't give a fuck yeah and she will not eat that food she's like no i'm not gonna have that i don't know i don't think i'll have that and leanne is scandalized she's like i'd have made that frito pie all by herself she made those corn dogs all by herself and she's not gonna even have one

like i would be ashamed to be seen with her at the carny. And Carrie, you know what it is? It's good. She starts talking in this fake accent because she doesn't really have one. She's like, Frito pie. It's like, Frito, please. Please. Please. Like, oh, no.

By the way, for the record, I thought the corn dogs looked delicious. And I totally would have had the Frito pie. Oh, I'll make you a Frito pie. That's a classic. Yeah. But, like, Heidi, by the way, I will totally go to your place and eat your Frito pie. Oh, I'll make you a Frito pie. That's a classic. Yeah, but like Heidi, by the way, I will totally go to your place and eat your Frito pie and corn dogs.

As long as you don't wear like any shirt referencing your vagina in any way. Like I don't want to be eating your Frito pie at the same time. I'll wear a shirt that says skank. A piece of bitch. You know where the best corn dogs are from Wondery

this is Black History For Real I'm Francesca Ramsey and I'm Conscious Lee what do most people think about when they hear the words Black History Rosa Parks, Reconstruction MLK, February Black History history month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking

about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August, 1992, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow black history for real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th,

or you can listen early and ad free on Wondery plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound

eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society

that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death.

Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. adventure yeah california i like california adventure too actually um and it's there's a there's a place called corndog castle that's right by the big lake and um they do a fabulous corndog it's all based on leanne's goals in life when she was a carny kid well corndog castle she sings this for that song from Beauty and the Beast. That's what her mornings were like, except it was in a carnival.

Welcome. Please welcome the queen of Corn Dog Castle. I command there will be no trolleys in my kingdom. Be our guest, be our guest. Let's take a seat on the scrambler. Hey, do you have your license to ride that scrambler? Somewhere

out there, there's a corndog castle for me. And yes, I realize I just put her into an American tale, but I think it works. I can see her as being a fievel as well. She is like a somewhere out there kind of a girl. She is fievel.

Home where I out the goddamn bitch left me here. There are no brats in America. In America. In America. Oh, man. So Leanne started getting drunk and she would not go after anyone. And Heidi and Carrie were giving each other such a boring fight.

Like both of them were refusing to fight. So then Leanne and Tiffany were just getting regular trashy. Heidi goes, why don't you make them one of your gut bombs that you're always making? And Leanne's like, oh, I'm sure she's too good for a gut bomb. She's like, I remember Tiffany. Remember that time when you were doing coke in the bathroom? And Tiffany's like, yeah, and you were fucking that guy outside in the alley. She's like, how would you know?

You were locked in the bathroom, snorting something off the floor. And they're like high-fiving each other. And everyone's looking at, Leanne's always like, you gotta be classy in this world. But then she's the first one to be like remember when we swallowed an elephant's load remember when you had a Frito pie in LA but instead of having chili over the Fritos just pure cocaine remember that Tiffany Hendra

life was crazy then I remember I was so wired I was so excited because I had just booked a commercial for a dust buster I was actually having sex with I was so excited because I had just booked a commercial for a Dustbuster I was actually having sex with Billy Ray Cyrus back then I mean those days were crazy we met at a car show I was modeling for Fusion

at the LA Convention Center doing coke in the back seat I got fired oh my god Heidi's like weren't people mingling at my party i'm like well they either have to shit because you just made them frito pie or they don't have anywhere to sit and look at each other the only way you can sit is like staring straight ahead or how about you don't have people sit how about have people stand instead there were like two couches like two love seats and they all had to cram down into them and stare each other down it was so awkward and i was like all right lan i'm gonna switch seats with you sit with these skanks look i'm wild i'm 60 and i say skank

well so far uh this heidi chick is the one she's like the mariah from blood sweat and teals like or teals heels people who just kind of... Yep, that's my butt. Blood, Sweat, and Teals. That's how I learned my blush. What goes into my freedom path. She's the one who tries to come in. She's like, I'm going to rip everyone a new one.

And then she gets there and she's like, Oh, you want to deep throat a corndog or something? Right, Slut? Am I right? Yeah, she needs to work on her reality show game. She'll get there. she'll get there. She'll get there. Maybe.

Oh, yeah. She seems awful. Usually they make the older one, like the nice one, the mother figure. And she's like, I'm going to show these bitches how it's done. I was like, okay. I just wish there was, like, another Leanne type on the show. Because when Leanne is on, as much as we make fun of Leanne, the show is all about Leanne. And, like, the most fun is when she's on the show.

And so when we have to sit through the Brandy Stephanie scenes or the Carrie scenes, it's like, ugh, so dull. I want to get to Leanne and bossing around Tiffany. That's all I want to see is Leanne bossing people around and saying stupid things. I just love Leanne being in a completely different mental state in every scene.

It's like one scene she's like, I will kill you! And she's like i will kill you and she's like well i'm so i'm a good christian and what's important it's like she changes on a dime i think it's so funny yeah no she is absolutely hilarious the hulk yeah she is she's great so um you know what else is great ronnie oh i've been a good old comfortable sheet set. Oh, my God, I love a good sheet. You know, when you're falling out of a plane, you just need a parachute.

Parachute, you've saved me. Listen, if they gave away parachute sheets at the carnival, I'm sure everyone would line up for the skee-ball. There would have been about five hobos who could balance bowling pins on their heads trying to snuggle into my duvet um so uh so here's the thing with parachute parachute sheets um

they're awesome because uh they sent me a sheet set and um they're super super super comfortable and they make your bed feel like a comfy hotel. And I'm not even lying. I really enjoy my parachute sheets. So here's what you need to know. They are an online bedding brand based in Venice Beach, California, which is always super important. Yes, they also have a great website. It's blog.parachutehome.com.

And they give you design tips. They help you select bedding that would be right for you, and it's delivered right to your door for free. It's very easy, and you'll get $25 off your first order if you use the offer code CRAPPENS. So go to parachute.com. Oh, I'm sorry, parachutehome.com slash CRAPPENS. That's parachutehome.com slash CRAPPENS, That's ParachuteHome.com slash crappens. And save big by using the offer code CRAPPENS. Yeah, because they have created a line of everyday bedding essentials from sheets to comforters to give you superior sleep.

And you get a 30-night risk-free guarantee, by the way. So if you don't like it for whatever reason, it's free shipping, free returns, all that stuff. So yeah, ParachuteHome.com slash crappens. so yeah parachute dot parachute home.com slash crappins do it parachute.com home i mean parachute home.com i'm such an idiot i know everyone here we go seriously parachute home parachute home.com because you don't want to parachute anywhere else but home so parachute home what dorothy did y'all it's what dorothy did do what dorothy did parachute home.com slash crappins but seriously they're like that little bitch dorothy parachuted right into the carnival stupid bitch with her nice sheets from parachute i get mine from jc

penny and they're crappy but that's okay i was raising a carnival thank god i'm strong enough to withstand a house being thrown on my head dorothy between our sponsors we've had like like you could make a bedroom with our sponsors i'm not going to mention our other sometimes sponsor because i've already given them enough free advertising but needless to say there's a very good mattress out there that would do very well with your parachute stuff. Especially if it were a ghost. It was a soup of friendly ghosts. Or J-Lo's backup dancer. Although, you know, I'll just zip it before I get into advertiser trouble.

So, anyway, yeah, go check that stuff out. And while you're lying in bed, maybe you're watching TV and maybe you watched – what's next? You want to do Shaz? Yeah, let's do Shaz next. Yeah, Shaz was good. Hold on. Let me write it down. I'm taking my notes here.

It's Shaz. Notes about Shaz of Sunset. We have to write our time codes because that way everyone knows where to fast forward to if they don't watch one of the shows that we talk about or if they don't want to hear leanne playing the um pyramid for an hour considering we're like one of six people watching real houses of dallas and we always start the show with it so if you want to move forward to the shows that people actually watch time codes i know but i feel like do people who are like people who like the housewives of course they listen but do people

who love Shaw's like really listen to a podcast they're like I can't wait to hear what someone else thinks they're drunk assholes like everyone thinks the same thing yeah it's funny because I feel like people who watch Southern Charm like to listen to what other people have to say about it I feel like Shaw's people don't

really care and with Dallas I think the reason why we feature it prominently week in and week out is that it's not that it's such a good show. It's just that it's one of those Housewife franchises that it's so fun to make fun of. We always have a blast when we do it. We always get into it. It's like what Miami was for us. Yes, I love those. Well, yeah, of course we always have a good silly voice

yeah um well the beginning of shazza sunset so of course we've known the song forever and nothing really ever sticks out except do me a favor and lose the dress i've never really felt like that about an entire cast before but i'm like please listen to this song and everybody change your clothes because all of these dresses are terrible like not one of you can do it yeah yeah lose the dress yeah lose the dress it begins with

Mike even his dog won't look him in the eye that's what I put he's like look at me dog look at me bro and the dog is like looking away yeah dog dog is so miserable of all the houses he had to be brought into, this is the one. I like how there was like an oil painting of Mike and Jessica from their wedding. Like Mike dipping Jessica and there's this ridiculous oil painting.

On top of everything else, on top of the fact that you have a $10,000 photo album, that you're also going to commission an oil painting of this ridiculous moment. It was so tacky yeah those are that these are times in life where you just you see a painting and you say they deserve it like i would rather have one of those crappy whale paintings that you find on laguna beach then well i mean it kind of is that yeah it definitely is going to be at like one of those like art sales at the airport you know now brezza comes over he's like well i've mostly been ignoring mike because like divorce gross but you know like i figured i'd bring him some groceries

because like he can't even eat now which is obviously not true because mike has bigger tits than jessica i know yeah reza needs to talk uh about like what's going on with mike because he needs to make sure mike's okay and i love how like reza starts to you know because mike is talking about like we've just grown apart and you know i had so much love for her and now i've really messed up now and i really just wanted to come back and make me food and reza starts to cry and he's like like do you realize like i'm getting married next week and you're getting divorced and like i'm getting married and like how could you be getting divorced right now when

i'm getting married because i'm getting married next week i'm like resa it's not about you getting married right now it's about this guy's marriage falling apart well all he really meant to say was do i get my check back from like your wedding because remember i gave you 500 give it back like seriously well you know like all i tried to do was like over and over be a good husband and so i'm like whoa what did i do wrong you know like i was on my phone sometimes but like i mean i don't even know i wish i could have another chance really so you're still not gonna admit what you did wrong but you want another chance and it's all about you being on your phone i'm sure buddy yeah but still i'm just here to talk about you i brought you groceries and you know whatever i can do to help adam is face down on your bed okay bye so then we go um to an indoor skydiving place sky zone sky zone gg and cousin nema because shirvin was just like

absent i don't know where shirvin was this episode there was a wedding and shirvin wasn't even there like where was shirvin so um sucking a dick some behind some column somewhere some lucky guy so uh so so gg was going skydiving and she's like now that i'm in like a good headspace you know i can get back to like my little kid style roots, which is just being silly. I was like, I think your little kid style roots is you not having a job or a career or thinking about the future, right? I don't have a knife in my hand. I won! Yeah.

Yeah, she is. And poor Nima. You know, he's like, okay, I mean, I'll take care of you while Shervin's away. He's like he's doing his wifely duty and taking care of Gigi. Gigi is running into the problem that everybody I know who has ever gotten sober, either permanently sober or temporarily sober. There's this phase where they're like, I'm going to go out and do something exciting that has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol. I'm going to jump on a trampoline or I'm going to go on a roller coaster or I'm going to go sledding down a mountain.

No, if you're ever going to get used to being sober, you have to understand the world sucks and you just have to get used to it without being drunk. And that's just it, okay? Life is not a trampoline and a roller coaster. It's just some shitty, boring mess that you just have to sit there in. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Well, never speak for AA, ever. People would start drinking again immediately. Like, it's all worthless. It's all hopeless. Get back on the bottle, Gigi. Might as well. If you can't even do your flips because your boob's in your hand, so.

Well, next we get to go over to another business in someone's apartment, which seems to be the only place that anybody in this cash shop's at. Yeah, exactly. Reza goes to get up a spokesuit from another reza oh that's so persian it's another reza oh my god you do business in your apartment i do too like resin shabab no resin shahab the tailors yeah so basically the scene was just reza clearing the air with mj right it was just mj saying fine i'll support you no matter what you do yeah pretty much and then reza doing one

of his being funny but is probably making his husband cry right now on the couch because it's like well like here's what i did before like adam agreed to me for the ninth time like it's like i learned how to cheat and like be really good at it like i could cheat and like he wouldn't know and so now i'm gonna marry adam and i'm still like cheating and lying but like now it's different like uh you know you're talking about like six months ago not funny too soon reza yeah exactly i don't think you want to remind adam that you're really good at cheating it's not not a good look he's like because adam's stupid you get it like he's just dumb like i could be planning a wedding i could have my dick in someone else's

mouth like who cares like he doesn't know you know like whatever stupid white man that's so like oh boy. Like, he doesn't even realize. Like, and I can't believe it. It's because we're about to get married and Mike is getting divorced and we're getting married and Adam's too stupid to realize.

And MJ's just like, did I tell you about the sperm we pet? And I go, okay, stop talking. So packing car, we get another In-N-Out. In-N-Out. Another In-N-Out. You know that those two are in solid relationships, how they order In-N-Out. I'll have a double protein In-N-Out.

Yeah. Fried cat head. I mean, whatever the fuck. They get everything on the menu there. Protein style. Yeah. That's healthy. So while they do that, while they go off to Palm springs on their road trip mike and jessica meet okay can i just point out that mike and jessica

mike is walking up to this restaurant and the camera panned from a dr phil billboard to mike which was so funny yes yes you do love a like a subliminal sign. Because those are so – especially when they're so obvious. Like they were close up on the Dr. Phil billboard and then just like switched to mic blocking. You know, it's like what we got to do, like we got to do one day at a time because like you put one step in front of the other step. You know, like Jessica is worried about my phone. So I'm like how do I be a good husband? So like we're going to talk about that. Like I just want some more FaceTime with Jessica.ica like dude you can't even like fake apologize without bringing

up a phone app so jess is like i'm shaking right now she's like dude can you guys make an espresso martini like is this 1998? I like that. Shaming her martini selection. God bless her heart. That face was born yesterday. Yes, exactly. And he's like, yes, we can.

And she goes, thank you. Like, then go do it. What do you want to talk about the espresso martini? Make it. Yeah. Do you guys do apple martinis too? Thanks. Yeah, I was just asking. I don't really want one.

Just asking. I felt bad because they showed a flashback to their first date and i was like oh jessica's old face and she was so much prettier like why why do you do that to your face jessica she'll be pretty again it's just she doesn't give herself enough time to heal facially before she comes back on tv i think she's like oh my god i'm shooting in two weeks you know the brandy glanville effect yeah she's probably also spent a lot of time crying. So she's always puppy. I'm sure she's so full of shit. Like, I know Mike's a cheating dirtbag.

I'm not even sticking up for Mike. But even though we haven't found that out of the show yet. But I know, like, he's a cheating dirtbag, obviously. But Jessica's also so full of shit. She's like, yeah, because, like, Mike, all you care about is money. Okay? That's, like, all you think about. Really? You just bought a $5,000 tea set.

So is this whole fight about you not being able to spend the kind of money you want and spending $500 on phone bills for your parents? Because that's not really the same thing as getting cheated on. So I hope this is not about a tea set. Exactly. Exactly. And Mike is, meanwhile, he's having all these, like, ridiculous realizations. He's like, you know that expression, you never miss something until it's gone? Like, I'm suddenly realizing that that's, like, so true.

I'm like, well, congratulations, Mike. You really learned something very profound. He's every meme ever, like, every feel-better meme. He's like, just hang in there, bro. Like, sometimes I hang from, like, a phone cord, and I'm like, just hang in there bro like sometimes i hang from like a phone cord and i'm like just hang in there you know yeah and and she was saying they you know they had some ridiculous conversation she was saying that you know when i first met it wasn't about the money when i first met you you know you were confident and you weren't all about all this bullshit now i'm like what bullshit are you not about now you just changed your entire face you did this all to be on tv so like you know kidding both when you met him he was

putting his face on bus stops literally bus benches and then hiring a tmz bus to plaster his face to sell real estate which doesn't even make any sense come on i mean i i also get it she thought she was marrying a guy who was doing commercial real estate and was going to go on that track. And now he's like, I'm going to make sneakers. And it is kind of like, this is crazy. And she did make it. And she was like, you see this water? You see this water?

This is nothing. But if you keep tapping, if you keep doing this, it's like one more and one more. It gets more annoying. And finally, I don't want it anymore. Yeah, you're like a drip. You're like a drip from a faucet to me right now. That's what you are, a drip. And he's like, oh, babe, but you know, like, here's what I mean to do.

Like, every day is like a new day, you know? Like, some days it turns nighttime, but then the sun comes back up in the morning. Like, I never really realized that, you know? Stupid Mike. She's like, the sun is like a drip too. You know what I hate? Rain. Rain's like drips.

Like, a lot of drips all at once. I'm like, enough. I'm over it. Also, did you notice that he went into this list of stuff he had done he's like i know i didn't treat you like a princess or like i know i was on my phone too much or like you know sometimes i would just like think about work or whatever and she goes oh yeah those are the only things you've done huh and there's like this big awkward pause and he goes what i'm trying to say is i'm sorry for like being on the phone. And she's like, yeah, yeah.

Because she's obviously not allowed in his mind to bring up this cheating thing yet. So right now Mike's just on the phone too much. Yeah. I mean, the reason why she doesn't want him to be on the phone is because she's paranoid that he's texting other girls. And she wants attention because he's been cheating on her. And so she wants to be like, well, prove that you love me then. Yeah. She's like you're a constant jerk.

She's basically yelling at you for giving her syphilis and code now. Pretty much. So Palm Springs, someone's making a comment like dark people need dark drinks. I don't even know. When these people start drinking, I don't even know what they're talking about anymore. Because what happened was they were having a housewarming party at Reza and Adam's house. A fake housewarming party. It was an excuse to get everyone out there.

So they're having a housewarming party and people showing up. And Reza's cousin shows up. Reza's like, it's my cousin. And then the tame gay spilled his whiskey on Reza. And it was like, oh, it's like tame gay lashing out. Yeah, he was being a little bitch. It was funny. They kept showing him uh because

res is like guys what about mike like he's like he's seriously like depressed let's talk about it and adam's like i'm really sick of everything having to be about mike it's like mike mike mike and like jessica's too eager like i love her but she's, she's like too eager to get married. I'm like, uh. It's just like, homegirl, you got to calm down. Like, you're making me scared that you're not going to say yes at the surprise wedding at the restaurant tomorrow. Who said it, Gigi? She's like, I don't think that that is the guy to be calling someone thirsty for marriage. That guy's talked about literally nothing

else since we've met him. Exactly. So then Mike eventually does show up. And it was funny because he was ignoring MJ since MJ was starting up with him last episode. So he was ignoring her and MJ is just in the bathroom going Mike! Mike! Mike!

Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! going mike mike mike mike mike mike mike mike mike mike mike he probably has that as a ringer on his phone he just has to keep silenced yeah exactly he's like i don't want her to pick on me like like mj like i just don't want it to be that kind of weekend and then of course he starts it later but i just wrote mike has huge tits and also these people are so mean to each other it's like yay mike's here oh my god i can't wait to be like with the controversy i can't wait to see what the controversy is gonna be like what's next gg mj trade to fuck you on this trip yeah nothing like an almost rape joke to kick off a weekend with the shahs exactly um i think the biggest scandal the weekend is when Reza changed into his gingham on gingham outfit.

He had some big chunky gingham shirt with big chunky gingham shorts, and it was a disaster. So they then move over to a different house where they can be loud and party. Although I have to say, as Shahs' parties go, this one seemed actually pretty tame. Yeah, I think that they were all drunk, but they were drunk enough to just mostly go to bed after. Although we did get to hear MJ talking about sperm more and so she was telling them about her sperm doctor

and Mike is like, there has to be a natural progression, you know? Like, a man who wants to get you pregnant immediately, like, that's a sign that something's psychologically wrong, bro. Really? Because the second week you were dating your girlfriend, she started taking Jew classes. I was going to say catechism classes.

What am I saying? No, you're right. Mike is really in no position. Here's a guy, this guy Tommy, who's super into MJ. Mike just thinks it's strange that there's a guy who's interested in one person you know it's crazy to him like if he really loved mj he would be thinking where do i get the abortion not like when do we have the baby if he really loved mj he would string her along for like four years and then finally get married to her and spend all

his life savings on an oil painting and a photo album at the wedding. I bet she's not going to have a photo album. So, you know, like poor MJ. Yeah. And Tommy. Us parents! Tommy. So then it's the next day

and Reza and Asa and MJ go to an estate sale and we find out he's actually buying Adam's wedding ring at the estate sale. I love Palm Springs because old people die here. And then you clear out their house and you wipe off their stuff. And then they sell it the next day in a thrift store or whatever. I'm in. This whole wedding thing felt very bogus. There's something, this whole wedding thing felt very bogus. I don't believe for one instance that Adam would have wanted to get married in a restaurant.

And I don't believe that Reza would wait until the afternoon to buy the ring. Everything just felt very strange to me. I believe it. It's like, oh shit, I forgot to get the ring for the storyline. Someone's dead in Palm Springs, right? Let's go a day early. I totally believe he would do that. Reza spent $2,700 on the ring, which is a lot for me.

But as Bravo goes, that's cheaper than Tom Schwartz, what Tom Schwartz paid for his engagement ring. So that was a cheap-ass ring on the Bravo scale. Poor Adam. Reza not only gets him a shitty ring but like brags about it on tv and tries to haggle over it oh my god mj is like he probably hasn't even planned for this at all and doesn't even have dinner reservations we're just gonna show up to a chucky cheese and like hope that there's room you know yeah that's why that's why that's why reza basically had the surprise wedding in the back room of some some silly palm springs restaurant because he didn't have to

you know pay for a dj he didn't have to get a dance he didn't have to you know pay for a dj he didn't have to get a dance floor didn't have to get catered he just had to get a harpist back there and he was set yeah this he's buying the ring and i just kept thinking oh my god are adam's parents landing right now they're landing right like he's flown them here and they're gonna be here right it's not just like come out with my friends and then i'll get you i'll marry you like you know a dessert and then i'll get us a room at the holiday inn like oh yeah well he's probably they're probably gonna milk it adam's probably gonna say you know i like being married to you but i kind of miss like having my moment as a bride so i really want a real wedding so then

probably either next season or later this season the season finale or whatever will be a proper wedding with everyone invited. Yeah, they'll probably just do like one of those things where they have a big party or whatever, like a reception so they can collect the gifts. Because Reza will be collecting. Lord knows he spends enough, you know? Yeah. When you're from any family, it's rough. But being from any kind of family over there, my family, it's crazy.

You have so many cousins. Everybody's getting married. You have to spend all this money and put checks in people's shit that's why i don't go ever yeah i'm yeah too much like i don't care i barely went to my sister's wedding okay so while while they're at the estate sale gg and mike are on periscope which i thought would make you happy because you love gg's periscope so much and she called herself the periscope queen so yeah she's such a fucking wreck on periscope it's so good she'll be like hey i'm with my girls we're partying in miami fuck you too fuck you too tico like whatever your name is no fuck you like she starts yelling at people on

her periscope all wasted so good and her friends are falling down behind her they all look like a bunch of trashy ass blow-up dolls so good watch it yeah uh then tommy shows up and mj comes running over to tommy and her boobs were like i mean those things were really those were like buoys in a stormy ocean those things uh when she came over to tommy and he's like you're next next babe mj they when she was doing her talking head thing she was sitting there they don't even bother like fuzzing out her nipples anymore she was wearing that shirt where it's like wide open but strung together like an international male shirt and her nipple is just hanging right out yep there's no fuzz or anything they're like we know people aren't looking in that direction.

We've learned that people have learned to make eye contact with MJ. We've decided to save money in our special effects budget, so we're not going to be devoting man hours to blur that out. And then the vows. They stand up at the restaurant, and it really is like, okay, we've cleared your dinner plates.

We're bringing everybody flan for dessert. Okay. I would like to read a speech that I gave my maid for Adam. Dear Adam, the end. Will you marry me? His speech was actually awful. He's like, okay, Adam, I wrote a speech about how much I love you. I want everyone to know how romantic

you are like you showed up naked at my door that's so persian and then like i was trying to work out but you kept talking to me so that was like really annoying and that's also so persian and then we went on a on a path through the through the woods and had sex in public oh my god i love you so much i'm like this is awful this is he's just like dodging details of your sex life it's like remember how you showed me your special passion pathway where you would always get it up the butt from strangers oh let's get married la la la la la la la la la la la it's like please just let also do the whole thing if you redo this for the parents i know please adam's like my parents aren't really

comfortable with me being gay he's like well talk about the ass sex we had in the park or that time when you blew me in the gym and then also puts on her turban and he's like wait what's going on here and she starts reading like do you adam take reza to be your partner in life blah blah blah blah blah and i was like wait what it's like it wait, what? It's like, it's I do or I don't. Is it I do or I don't? And he's like, wait, Reza, can I talk to you in private? Like, no, I do or I don't. I was like, is this like a game show?

This feels like deal or no deal. Like, you have to choose. Are you going to open up the briefcase or are you going to take the money that you got? Totally. And Adam's like, Reza, what should I say? I can't tell you which suitcase to open. Just pick a suitcase.

But yeah, what if there's a suitcase that's worth more than you? I don't know. You have to make the decision. Can I phone a friend? No, Adam. Do you think the banker will make a different deal? No, you have to choose this deal. Where's Claudia Jordan? Does she have a briefcase too? No. The banker's apartment

is closed today for business, okay? You can't go see them. Just say yes. Okay, yes okay yes oh i told you okay bring on the flan and then they start to kiss and cry and then mike is like sad because you think about his wedding and i think i think the reason why he was crying was not about how his marriage fell apart i think he was crying because he realized how little money reza spent versus how much money he spent oh reza spent about 700 his wedding, and Mike spent half a million dollars. And Adam does not buy $5,000 tea sets.

The most Adam has ever splurged on himself is new jogging shorts to wear without underwear. You know, Ross. Exactly. Oh, goodness. Adam's like, I bought something for you, Reza. A microwave to cook your dinner in oh get a life i was so hoping that mike would say that i'm sorry that uh adam would say no i was really disappointed that he said yes i just feel like it's i feel like it's the surprise but anything is so wrong oh i do too but what mj said was perfect she's like their whole

relationship it's been like reza you know making all of the decisions for adam so i don't think I do too. But what MJ said was perfect. She's like their whole relationship. It's been like Reza, you know, making all of the decisions for Adam. So I don't think this is a good idea. But then listening to her say that I was like, well, that's why it is a good idea.

That's just like, he likes the fact that I tell him what to do and he has no say. Like if he gets a say, he'll talk about gravel for 30 minutes on the way home. Okay. Some people aren't just meant to have a say. And that's Adam. I do.

And Adam was like, why didn't you tell me? He's like, I couldn't tell you because it was a surprise. I love you. I don't even want Adam to say, like, I don't want Adam to have to say I do because, like, seriously, it'll be him talking. Just, like, nod. Okay. And then we'll go to the hotel. Oh, God.

Well, sadly, it still seems like a stronger relationship than mike and jessica ever were so you know mazel tov oh i mean yeah there you go yeah that's what we're comparing things to everybody has a better relationship absolutely we all win we all win all right well how about speaking of we all win you know what we win the most at? Learning about people such as... Clear the Flam. Oh, little Caroline Fleming. I know, I played the wrong Flam music, but that's okay. All right, well, welcome to Clear the Flam,

the segment where we take a look at the Instagram account of Caroline Fleming of Ladies of London. Yes, she is a national treasure, and she has the most wonderful Instagram account of Caroline Fleming of Ladies of London. Yes, she is a national treasure. And she has the most wonderful Instagram account. It's really very aspirational, you know? So right now on her, let's see what she's got going on. She has a lot of good new stuff going on right now. What is her name again?

Because I had to clear my cookies. Oh, Caroline Fleming official. I had to clear my cookies. Now it's not showing up anymore. Clear my cookies. Oh, Caroline Fleming Official. I had to clear my cookies. Now it's not showing up anymore. Clear the cookies. There was a good one I saw. I'm trying to remember where it was. Oh, there's one of just, it's just a

bouquet, a very lovely bouquet. And she says, flowers are such a great way of saying a lot or just a little. Hashtag flowers. Hashtag love. Heart. I have book about flowers now, I'm assuming, because there's like three bouquet,

four bouquet pictures. Oh no, one's a spaghetti thing. I honestly can't tell the difference between her food and the bouquets. It's the same thing. I better pep a bouquet that I will poop out tomorrow. Ha, lucky, it's my toilet. Is this her with Tori Spelling?

It is. Oh my God, Tori Spelling looks like she's getting Jessica face surgery. She's going to play Jessica in the Lifetime movie called Give Me Back My Tea Set. Give Me Back My Tea Set. About last night,

at Tori Spelling, so much fun to meet you last night at Torrey Spelling so much fun to meet you last night at the hashtag L George Jensen hashtag L George Jensen again hashtag LX Gloriel hashtag ladies of London

hashtag Denmark at Gunbitgurafa at here hashtag blast from past hashtag real90214 What if she said that? Oh, man. I also like, there's a picture of a bunch of flowers

in a basket, and it's just a bunch of violets, it looks like. And so she says, a basket of flowers. it looks like um and so she says a basket of flowers any old basket will do be creative and use your old baskets fill them with any flowers you like and enjoy this natural beauty hashtag scandinavian mood hashtag home hashtag decor hashtag flowers hashtag beauty taking these now when i visit my beloved granny. X space X space X.

Her granny's going to be like, you're bringing me flowers in a Diet Coke can? I like her life hack. Put flowers in a basket. And she says, use any old basket. As if people just have baskets lying around. Yeah, all those old baskets. That everybody's fruit comes in at the old Ralph's Like, what are you talking about, you crazy pants?

No one has a basket If people have baskets, they're in cubes now to fill their Target shelves Yes, thank you Thank you, Ron Thank you for laying the basket smackdown Containers Some things come in containers

But once you empty the container you can use said container for other things. Hashtag rinse it first. Hashtag not with candy. Hashtag don't let your dog eat out of said container or might die. Hashtag carrot. Hashtag bell pepper. One thing that I like to do for my American friends is put Fritos in a basket.

That way they can eat something and feel like they're at home. Hashtag basket. Hashtag Frito like they're at home. Hashtag basket. Hashtag frito. Hashtag Americans. Hashtag hack. Why is she so crazy? She's sitting here signing a whole table of her books. It's like her books with green onions in front of them.

I know it's a cookbook. And I know it's healthy. But you didn't make that green onion. It grew like that. You can't take credit for vegetables. But she's like, take credit for vegetables. But she's like, look, gorgeous vegetables and me. But it says at Lindy Hottentroff and Stansend, thank you for having me for today's press meetings

for my new cookbook at somebody who cares. Hashtag top and hashtag skirt. Hashtag Copenhagen. Hashtag Denmark hashtag. Hashtag Denmark. Hashtag cookbook three. Space X. Space X. What are you talking about?

Hashtag top. Yeah, she should be careful with her hashtags. She doesn't know what sort of hashtag category she may have just put herself into. Someone could be on Instagram looking for a new top or a new skirt or a cookbook. Okay, good marketing. Why is my photo appearing in a photo stream of leather men from something called the eagle?

I don't get it. People are offering up their anuses to me on Instagram. How lucky am I? How lucky am I? How lucky am I? Well, since I played the ending music first, I'll play the first music to end. How lucky are you

to have me teach you about me? We did it. Yeah, we're clear of her. The phlegm has been cleared. I would say for clear to Ray, too, but he didn't really post anything good. Yeah, Ray's just playing it off.

He's like, I'm in a swimming pool, bitch! You're trash! Caroline Fleming is trash! You bitch! I love you. I'm shaking my socks. I'm asking this guy selling me a Slurpee who he knows in 7-Eleven, bitch! Hashtag you're rude!

Wait, who told you about my cookbook? Wait, no. Who? Who, you bitch? Who told me about my cookbook, you bitch? Who do you know in the bell pepper aisle? Who, bitch? Who, bitch?

You're trash. You're trash. I'm leaving. You're trash. Oh, Ray. We'll see you some more Thursday, Ray. I hope so. I hope Bravo sees how much everyone loves Ray and finds ways to

get back into the show. Let me see. My first Southern Charm note is Wit, are you fucking kidding me? LOL. Everyone is shocked. Oh, okay. So we start Southern Charm with the drama of last week where the brilliant detective

Craig, who's also got a very annoying personality like every other detective on TV. Like the brilliant detective, Craig, who's also got a very annoying personality like every other detective on TV. Like the alcoholic detective who's possibly bipolar. Figures out the connection that Catherine not only had sex with Whitney, but probably lived together for five days. Dun, dun, dun. And it's this big bombshell. They treat it like this is the biggest thing to ever come out. And Whitney does himself no favors in the denial department.

He's like, what? That's crazy. Why would you say something? What? Me? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? And then Cameron, Catherine kissing the ass of the executive producer blatantly and shamelessly is like, you better retract. That is crazy. Why would you say that?

And then Naomi, her eyes, she's closing her eyes like, why did I attach myself to the stupidest one on the cast? I know. Poor thing. She's like, just stop. He's like just stop he's like yeah okay i'm really sorry babe i'll totally stop except you lived with her for five days like you know that's like common law marriage the way you guys live together for five days everybody knew this why is everybody acting like this is so shocking i know well and whitney he's so bad at denying. He literally goes like this. I slept with her way before Thomas slept with her. Mom, mom, mom.

It's like no, Norman Bates, come back. Your mother's not really in the room. He's like, mom, it's not true, mom, mom. Mother's disappointed. Really bad. He should have known. If he was just going to deflect it should have been like no that's crazy or like yeah i wish or no if only i had that much excitement in my life but instead he just was like

you're gonna say that right now you're gonna say that right now like you're gonna do that right you're really gonna do that right now like you're gonna do that yeah and then he just walks around pacing in the house like mom what's she gonna do um And then Cam is like, Craig, I don't even know what you're talking about, okay? Like two years ago, you called her a whore to her face. He's like, yeah, but then I fucked her, and I know she's not a whore because she didn't charge me after. So, like, I know what I'm talking about, man. Yeah, like we slept in a hole in that island in the sand when we got lost at night, and we didn't even have so i know she's not a whore so i mean well sorry no no you well no then craig is like well well because when he was like how could you even say that he's like well you came to my parents

house and you said all sorts of shady things too and i was like oh so that's what this is all about you finally got your revenge he's like yeah you really didn't think that was gonna come back and haunt you like when you went to my parents house like that was lies at least i'm telling the truth like no he told the truth too it was totally a dick move on his part and i'm glad you're getting it back but yeah not really the same but the thing is that i mean craig is telling the truth too he just he he just didn't uh he wasn He just didn't read his audience correctly. And he didn't expect everyone to turn on him. He's like, what?

Look, guys. Well, this guy just got dragged over the coals, called an alcoholic, a whore, a loser all year by everyone. Then they even went to his hometown to tell his parents what an asshole he was. I mean, that's mean. Exactly. But it was funny watching whitney get totally flabbergasted and chep's like well whitney is vehemently protesting my chap come on i always say you're smart don't say things like that i just whitney is the or are

we just gonna kind of go through the basics of this or are we gonna go like step by step i? I mean, to go step by step is kind of the same as going through the basics of it. I mean, basically, they're all there. They're all shocked at what Craig's had. And JD's like, all right, everyone take a deep breath. JD's like, the important thing to remember when we're talking about this is that Catherine Dennis is a manipulating little hussy. And she needs to be taken down, boy. Boy, you got to take that Catherine by the hair and take her out to the slave graveyard and give her a whooping.

That's what you got to do. JD, he's the worst. He's so gross. And his wife just sits there while he says shit. And she's like, uh-huh. I'm so stressed i'm holding my hair up i don't think jd is the worst i think jd is the only one who seems to like i think he's the one with like a brain and like a successful business and everything he just watches

it and you know he's i think he is probably the biggest asshole of them all he's always like yeah he's all yeah he's all he all is like yeah i'm fun loving jd and i bet he's like really good to his friends but ultimately though you can see like you don't want to get on the wrong side of jd that's why he's that guy at the valet stand he's like i could give you a dollar to bring my car to me boy or i could give you five if you can do it in under 30 seconds run boy run it's like that kind of douche you know yeah it's somewhere between yosemite sam and uh foghorn leghorn yeah yeah and uh kevin what's his band what's his buns and house of cards yeah spacey this is how to run the bourbon industry boy i like jd so um uh even though he's an asshole so then the cameron

is like really angry she's like i can't believe you would say that craig i can't believe she was so southern about it i felt like she's like you know like i can't believe you would make a ruckus at the mountain home craig what you did was low. And wait, Craig. Oh, no, this is Craig and girlfriend. I love the girlfriend telling him off. She's like, well, it's just that, Craig, that was really low. What you did, like telling him up in front of all those people. And Craig goes, yeah, but if you don't stand up for people, you're a coward.

I'm like, oh, come on. Now my net is ruined because you're sad, Naomi. She's like, go away. you're not standing someone up you're publicly embarrassing them with someone else's secret that has nothing to do with you ass the only one who stood up for katherine was actually danny who was like you know i don't understand because thomas acts ridiculous all the time and everyone gives him the pass but katherine acts ridiculous and everyone makes fun of her so i don't understand why he doesn't get it she is right these people are assholes i get whitney hating katherine for whatever reason but yeah ridiculous and everyone makes fun of her so i don't understand why he doesn't get it she is right these people are assholes i get whitney hating katherine for whatever reason but yeah i'm not

liking cameron hating her it's not fair and she's like well whitney says don't talk to her so we're not going to talk to her and how dare you you know people think that whitney's this real tough guy no one thinks that so but but he's real sensitive yeah yeah he's not maybe a skin is about well you know the thing is that like with cameron i get why she doesn't want to hang out with katherine because katherine is a mess and she's a drama queen and she's like annoying and she just brings trouble but she just doesn't she sort of doesn't really own up to it she's just like you know there's some i just want to stay out of it i just want to stay out of it like no just say that you don't like her you know and then we'd totally be cool with it.

Oh, she did, though. She's already said, you can't fix a broken clock. Or whatever she was saying. I wouldn't be hanging out with Catherine, either. I mean, she is a disaster. She always has a tantrum. She sulks in the corner. I'm like, I don't want to invite you to that.

But that being said, though, Thomas is also a disaster. And they're both on the show still. It's just the typical Bravo won't let us fire them, so we're just going to ice them out of shooting. But, oh, I guess Thomas can come because Whitney still likes him. It's like, what the hell? Well, I like when Craig, when Shep was all mad. He's like, I can't believe this would happen in my mountain house. And he's like in the kitchen.

He's like, I can't believe you, Craig. I just want you to, I wish you'd just shut up. And then he like hits, Shep hits himself on the counter goes oh gosh you made me do that craig gosh i hate this counter craig why'd you put in a granite counter right here craig craig if you ever talked like that in this house during the summertime when my mom was here she would have martha my nanny smack you on the back of your hand gosh uh so then the next morning whitney and whitney and cam left early and you know cam said this stuff about like well you know craig is out of my circle of trust now i was like all right okay um yeah i mean cam is definitely cameron's definitely turning into a bitch this season

but i like it i like i like her being a little bit of a's definitely turning into a bitch this season, but I like it. I like her being a little bit of a bitch. You like your bitchy Cameron? I do like my bitchy Cameron. And Landon's turning into a bitch too. I like it. I like all the bitches coming out of the world. Well, Cameron's always been a bitch. I mean, I guess the reason I'm pointing it out more

is because people online are like, oh my God, she's turning into such a bitch. I'm like, no, she's not turning. She always was a bitch. She just usually was a bitch between jokes, but now she's just being bitchy. Yeah, now she's just being a mean bastard. Yeah, she's not turning. She always was a bitch. She just usually was a bitch between jokes. But now she's just being bitchy. Yeah, now she's just being a mean bastard. Yeah, she's just being mean.

So speaking of bitches, we then get a scene of Patricia going over to Whitney's place with the butler. And she interrupts Whitney while he's on his guitar. And he's like, oh, sorry, Mom. I'm just cranking out some metal. Shut up, baby. Is that how they make metal? Crank it out, huh? What's that on the floor?

Well, it's cement, Mother. Oh, Lord. I wanted to kill myself the second I saw those cement floors, but Whitney's perfect. It looks like an ISIS prison camp, but I suppose anything would do for Whitney. He's my little angel. He's going to be doing a rock star collaboration with this Aaron Hendraw from Dallas.

I'm very excited about that. Whitney's had three loss in three years, and they all look the same to me, like ISIS prison camps. And I like how she's like, so you're going gonna go on a little boy's trip to la you're gonna take craig he's like no craig's not on the list and she's like okay he's like i'd rather not talk about it she's like southern wasps don't talk about our feelings so let's talk about that pain on the floor again yeah let's talk about uh the one that you the young person that you are gonna pay to come to la larissa like let's talk about the young person that you are going to pay to come to L.A. Larissa, let's talk about your fake feelings instead of your real ones.

I know. Something really scary about. Meanwhile, Catherine and Thomas are in yet another fight because Whitney invited Thomas to go to L.A. And Catherine's being induced. And so Thomas was going to go the weekend before the baby is due. So Catherine is furious because Thomas is going out of town. So furious that when she got the news, she dropped the phone. Yeah, says the nanny.

This was so funny, the nanny talking to Thomas. He's like, well, I'm just calling, nanny, because the 37th district hasn't reported into home office yet. Have you counted their votes? She's like, well, I'm sorry, Thomas, but Catherine is just not going to speak with you. She was very upset when she got

your text about Los Angeles. So upset, she dropped the phone. Thankfully, she did not drop the baby out of her womb onto the floor because it would be dead right now thomas is that what you want a dead baby we'll keep it up then he's like so i guess you want me to stay for the baby like no we just want you to stay so that way you can get her a new phone because she dropped on the floor that's all exactly i'll have thomas call i'll have her call you right back my message says, if you want your baby to die, use this phone number.

Okay? So if she wants a dead baby, she'll call you. You can just stress that baby to death. Right, Thomas? I mean, I do think that he probably should not be going to L.A. the weekend before his baby. Who cares? She fucking divorced him, left him, and now only has him over to put furniture together, yell at him, and then get

more credit card numbers to put onto Amazon. She is so full of shit. I don't think that he should go, but I do feel like her being furious, again, it feels like just another manipulation. I need to be able to count on

you, Thomas. And then they show Thomas, and he's just kind of nodding blankly as his head is surrounded by the new full on baby kitchen set behind him. The new crib behind him. All the new furniture he just bought around him. Like this poor guy. It's like he's so stupid. He's now paying two women to treat him like shit. Exactly.

So then he sends Catherine a bouquet from Blanche Darby and just says i'm very sorry she's like that's okay can you put together crib number three please thank you how many cribs does he have to put together he's been putting together cribs this entire season you just work at ikea at this point so he comes over it's like well gonna get started putting together this crib. As I said when I was running for office, I'm for parks for the children and cribs. I'm building. It's like taking a picture of himself with a shovel in front of the crib box. Yeah.

He's like, listen, the only reason why I want to go to L.A. is because we want to celebrate the birth of a child. That's why. It wasn't for anything other than that. I'm just going to put a ribbon in front of your womb, and when that baby slides out, we're going to cut it and be on the news. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take a champagne bottle, and I'm going to break it against your belly. Be like, hip, hip, hooray, bon voyage.

That's so funny. Like, as much as we fight, Tom is, we think the same way. This baby's already opened three bottles of beer for me with his teeth. I've already asked the baby to put together little baby cribs for my dolls. Every night when I go to bed, I watch Dr. Phil and put an L-Wrench up to my belly. This baby is going to be able to put together so many cribs tommy is i got it a stuffed allen ranch to play with i don't get a picture books i just show them instructions from ikea i know what going to la means tommy yes and then it cuts to her screaming at

whitney and being like i was eight months pregnant you took my husband to a strip club in la going crazy and beating him up and i was like oh god he's not your husband anymore if he wants to go you know fuck 20 year old strippers in la that's his his prerogative. I like when she goes full-on Ruth Buzzy and starts chasing him around with a sock. You know? I'd start you on fire, Ravenel, but I don't want to burn a bridge.

So stupid. I don't know where that came from. So then, Whitney goes to la where he he has to retreat to la because he's still so wounded from what craig said and he's like yeah la like i like where i live fine but like la it's like the epicenter of everything i want to do i'm like yeah young lost strippers yeah so he gets to his pretty nice house actually super nice house in la which let's face it that's where he spends his whole life um he even pretty much said he's like yeah i mean charleston's nice but like i'm not gonna go around chasing sixes like sure i'm gonna come to la and you know

you know pretend that i could get a six um but he i mean he actually has this beautiful girlfriend louisa who i don't know i mean i would say i'd larissa sorry i would say i don't know what she sees in him but then you see the house and it's like i see exactly what she sees that's the only way he only dates models that he walks up to and basically brags about his money or now his tv show and they bang him for a while and then leave him when they meet his mother yeah she i There's not enough money in the world, bitch. She is beautiful. She seems super friendly.

I'm like, Larissa, what are you doing? Why are you sitting here watching this man in a toupee serenade you? Why? I wrote a song for you. It's called I Love You So Fucking Much. No, no, no, no. I love you fucking much. You're so gross.

I'm so embarrassed for her i know like next she has a song on the renaub album that's dedicated to her great so i hate that he uh i don't i don't even need to go there it's just so annoying the way he talks about himself like he's just goofy little boy like you're wearing three different shades of bass right now you look you look fucking crazy okay you've got a herpy on your lip and now you're wearing three different shades of base right now you look you look fucking crazy okay you've got a herpy on your lip and now you're sitting here talking about oh well you know like i'm a lover like i'm a romantic guy you know and but i'd like go after a lot of women they just don't like me back like yeah because you're going for people in like schoolyards dude you're an old

man why are you why is it that everybody needs a 20-year-old vag to bang? I don't get it. How does that make you any better? It just makes you rich or fool. I know. But that being said. Which I guess does make you better. Yeah, by the way. Of course, I do want to add that I am secretly very jealous of Whitney's lifestyle and his beautiful house.

And everything that I say about him really comes from a place of pure jealousy. and all my everything that i say about him really comes from a place of pure jealousy so um but then uh so so then cameron meets with craig and you know she is in full cold bitch mode and and i'm sorry and craig is like well i guess when he was pretty mad at me and cameron's like he was sad he was sad he's such a sensitive young man, that Whitney. That guy was writing poetry in the car. He rhymed fart and shart. I mean, it was just beautiful. Sometimes he'd be talking, and then he'd stop talking, and then he'd be real sad. I could see. And then he'd talk again, but it was like a sadder talk. I'd feel so bad for him, I'd pull over to a rest stop, and he'd take about 30, 45 minutes in there and start yelling, you know,

and he'd say, just a minute, and then he'd come out about an hour and a half later and just look completely exhausted. I mean, poor guy. Poor guy. He said he can't even sing another song for Renob now. Like, I feel so terrible. That band had such a future ahead of it now. He's so hurt.

He's been walking with the limp ever since that rest stop. Thanks a lot, Craig. And it's amazing. He was so sad he was throwing his voice. It sounded like there were two men in there. So sad. What else happened here? The only other thing is...

Craig went over to Catherine's. This was hilarious. He's like, Hey, just happened to be in the neighborhood. Craig, glad you could stop by. I'm just shopping online. It's like, take that computer out of her hand. I know. He's like, hey, I can help put together that crib. No, no, no, no, no.

That's for Thomas. That's Thomas's crib. It's crib number 14. Yeah. So he tells her, he's like, look, like, we went out of town and i did my best to like stand up for you because they were like katherine's a whore and then i was like no she's not and you know like now everyone's mad at me so like i'm not gonna stick up for you anymore because like at this point like it's not worth it because like i don't get to go to la so bye she's like okay like i guess okay fine

well i guess if we're both stranded on a desert island or like an island with like a resort on it and we got lost and we'll do separate holes thomas came over and dug a hole in the backyard you want to go back no i'm giving up i giving it up. He literally did tell her that because basically Shep, you know, now that Thomas is backed out of the L.A. trip, Shep is like, well, I want someone to go with. So Shep had called up Whitney and was like, gosh, Whitney, can't we bring Craig along? He'll be so hilarious because he thinks he's old Hollywood now, but he's like poor and he doesn't know what Hollywood is like. So he's going to come and we can just laugh at him the entire time gosh he's like i guess so craig is like it's basically craig can't come on the trip unless he distances himself from katherine essentially that's the unspoken truth right yeah and he even says he's like i've decided to

drop the crusade yeah okay craig like a millions of christians getting murdered exactly that's comparison dude yeah so essentially craig is back he's back in the fold he's back on the la list everything is good they're gonna go they're gonna go to to la next week um they're gonna go to whitney's house when he's asked where by the way i noticed that he put his sneaker on his white couch, and I was furious. That was worse than Maurice spilling stuff on Heidi's white couch. Oh, you know, we're going on the Best of Friends podcast later today, and I have so many couch things to discuss. So I'm just going to have to save that for our third podcast of the day today.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. for our third podcast of the day today. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. So I guess that's a perfect place to end the podcast on a moment of couch rage. Couch rage! Gosh.

Get your flipping feet off the couch. Well, my lungs are thoroughly destroyed from all these Southern accents and JD impersonations and phrase. Boys! It's over, boys! Pack it up and go home! from all these southern accents and JD impersonations and phrase. So, I guess I better... Boys! It's over, boys! Pack it up and go home! You didn't think you were going to be running the podcast now, did you, boy? Now, you know that Danny has much more podcast experience than you now, Craig, right? Danny's face is always on the fucking front of iTunes.

I'm like, oh! Where'd the skinny bitch come from She's so good She's the one who came up with the idea for cereal It's like today we're going to talk about bourbon Oh god I hate this show She has so many subscribers Danny you're so good at it She's so good at it

She's all doing imitations of the different bourbons Alright well everyone thanks for listening remember we have a google hangout on thursday 6 p.m. western time pacific time so if you want to participate in that go to patreon.com

slash crappins and look at the directions for they're all there it's all there and And happy birthday, Samantha. Hasley. Cataneo. God, I'm getting terrible with my names. Happy birthday, Samantha. Happy birthday, Samantha.

You just have the best birthday ever. Thanks for being so supportive, young lady. For a long time on here. Yes, young lady. We've known you a long time. I wish that you got invited on Shep's trip to LA too. Gosh.

Gosh, Samantha, it's your birthday again. Gosh, how many birthdays do you have to have? It's like once a year already. Bye, everybody. Bye. Bye.

Texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins. That to texture.com slash crappins. That's texture.com slash crappins. Texture.com slash crappins. Hey, Prime members. You can listen to Watcher Crappins ad-free on Amazon Music.

Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.