Watch What Crappens - #2951 The Valley S2E16 Part One: Lost Sporkle

Episode Date: July 30, 2025

This is part one of a two-part recapThe Valley begins its three part reunion with Britney claiming to have lost her sporkle, Jax insisting that he’s working on Jax version 72.5, and Zack making lots of Gladys Kravitz faces on the end of the couch. You can watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens.  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Watcher Crappins ad-free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Travis fell in love with the perfect woman. Beautiful, understanding. Available 24-7. There was just one catch. She wasn't human. Binge all episodes of Flesh and Code early and ad-free right now on Wondry Plus.

Well, watch what happens when there's so much that happens. I'm Ronnie. That's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Good. Great.

Excellent. I love to hear it. I'll tell you what I brought today. What? My Sporkle! Everybody, welcome. It's the Valley Reunion Part One Recap. Just a reminder, you can watch this on video, if you'd prefer, over at Crappins on Demand, which is on Patreon.

That's also where you find our bonus episodes. This week is a nice long recap of Beyonce and the Backstreet Boys in Las Vegas and travel woes. Because, you know, we love to discuss some travel woes. Delta, Mandalay Bay, the Cosmo. bastards. All of you. All of you. All three of you.

All three of you are the doghouse. They tried to take away our sparkle. Yeah, they stole our sparkle. Yeah, but back shoe boys brought them back. Backstreet's back. Can we back back? All right. So today is a reunion

for the valley. How do you feel, Ben? How do you feel about the vow? Reunion part one. Actually, the first reunion ever for the valley. Yeah. I thought it was a great first episode. We just sat through three really unimpressive Atlanta reunion episodes.

I mean, the second episode on Atlanta was okay. It was all right. But like they were, they were really scraping for content. Like it really was, should have been a supersized one episode reunion, maybe two. So this one, the valley is bursting with things to discuss. And, you know, the reunions really come alive when there's, when there's things to sink your teeth into. and I thought the first episode was great. What did you think?

And I loved how it was lit. I loved how it was so bright. And everyone looked kind of like AI renderings because their makeup was like really, like you could really see their makeup. I loved it. What did you think? Well, I think whatever stylist Brittany uses for this,

she needs to use for everything. Because she looked much like if you look at her when she went on, watch what happens live. She looked sad. I don't know. Something sad. I mean, she was probably sad, but I don't mean sad, like, physically.

I mean, it was just, she would look like a disaster, okay? Yeah, she looked like a damn to her makeup look crazy, her clothes look crazy. Everything looked crazy. And on this, she looked very put together and very, so anyway, just keep that, keep this one. Whoever you're using on this one, keep them, Brittany, okay? They brought back your sparkle. They brought back your sparkle. I love the fur coat that Jesse showed up in in the beginning.

I think you should have worn it the whole time. but yeah I mean most of this is just watching kind of a trashy couple screaming at each other but hey I'm down yeah back to childhood so let's get into it everybody welcome to the valley season two reunion I'm bandy calling I have babies I'm fucking exhausted all right let's get to it yeah well this is be fun Brittany okay everyone America we're gonna introduce a lot the cast for the next 20 minutes because it's a big cast brittany great to see you will tonight be the longest time you spent with jacks in a year and she's like yeah wow and jacks how does it feel to be wearing clothes that are on merch from your bar although are those merch branded jacks's bars lifts in

your shoes wow you guys thought of everything yeah he's like is that conscious he wear jack's merch Yes, it's conscious. It's also, he has to do his own laundry now, and he ain't doing it. So he's going to wear the same thing every day. And he's like, got to support the bar, Andy. Okay, Michelle, moved in with your boyfriend, Aaron. How's that going? We all know now, because we shot this reunion 19 years ago, and a lot to happen since then.

Aaron dumped you. So we know that, but we don't know that yet. So how are you feeling? She's like, I made the best decision ever. We have Isabella 50% of the dime. It is a D-Z-Az-Azder-and-B. Isabella's very happy, guys. Don't worry.

She's super, super happy. Isabella's getting a lot of Coke-themed honey in her breakfast. So she's psyched. Yeah. Well, she was. Not anymore. So Michelle, yeah, she's like, yeah, is up y'allah, he's happy. All right, Jesse, we saw you and your tidy.

What is the season or more like tidy grays? What's going on? Well, I've since ordered new underwear because Zach told me they were a little bit too baggy. Yeah, juppy drawers. So they talk about underwear, Kristen's pregnant guys, so, you know, that's great. And her water could break at any moment. No, I'm not even kidding, Eddie. And how does Luke feel about being here?

You know, he's a little unprepared because we've got, we couldn't, like we don't have a to go back for the hospital. with us. Oh, please. What are you going to have in the to go back? He's going to bring like a pair of scissors and a tent and a flashlight. And like one of those, like, um, like, um, lamps that don't need oil. I don't trust him. He's going to bring some granola bar. He's just going to bring camping shit. He's bringing stuff that's going to be very use, unuseful. Um, in the hospital. She's like, do you have my sundress? No, but I have a tarp. Seriously. So Andy, I mean, Nia, you and Nanny went for, went four, quote, unquote, four. Four under four, buddy, four under four. Wow, Danny, you have any time we're going to hear you say that, huh? You're not going to say it like right now, are you?

Protect your peace, Daniel. Protect your peace. Daddy, she's four under four. Zach, how did Benji? enjoy your scroll talks. And he's like, oh, I thought we would have noticed him more, but apparently he didn't. By the way, Zach, I would say, is the real star of this reunion because he barely got to say a word, but he spent the entire episode making the most hilarious, amazing faces. Every time something happened, they would just cut to Zach, and he'd be like, hmm, like he would

tilt his head to the side and you bulge his eyes out and look over to the left. It was amazing. he did great work who was just making his neighbor from the bewitched series gladys cravets popping you know popping by being like did i just see you fine face through the whole thing um so jasmine's here i think she says only this through the entire reunion she's engaged so yes that's all we got from her uh janet lost a lot of baby weight how'd she do it through adderall and palates andy wasn't that hilarious everybody Cool, damn it. Cool, Janet. Cool Janet, whose storyline was about accusing someone of substance abuse.

Anyway, Adderall and Pilates. I know, I caught that too. I hope they use that against her all year next year. Because that's the big thing, because that's what they call Coke on Bravo. You know, everybody's like, I'm addicted to Adderall. Craig's thing. No, you're a Cokehead, and we all fucking know it. So I like that Janet just came out on national TV and basically called herself a Cokehead.

Yeah, yeah. Um, uh, is Adderall okay to admit, but not Ozympic. People are still being so, uh, ridiculous over the, uh, Olympic stuff. Yes, it's got girls, of course. I think that, look, and of course, I think that anybody who loses weight is probably taking that. But it's a hell of a lot easier and, uh, probably safer for your heart at least than taking a bunch of Adderall, I would think, but yeah, I would think, I mean, I've done both. And I'll tell you, I have a lot of, I have a lot less rage on the.

shots than I did on the Adderall. Well, I think OZempic is now prescribed for weight loss, and Adderall isn't. So I think, yeah, I think it's just built in right there. Built in right there, which one's the better one to use? Good point. And listen, I'm not a big shamer on any of those things. I've used Adderall. I've used Ozempic.

I've used Coke. So I'm not really going to judge any of it. It's just that it's Janet, the judgiest one out of everybody. So it's more fun, you know? Yeah. Yeah, I get it. It's like I don't judge abortions, but I really loved it when that pregnant, that Republican congresswoman who voted against abortion rights had to get one because she was having a terrible pregnancy. And then she blamed the Democrats for it.

I mean, it's like people like that. You know what I mean? I'll shame you. I'll shame you for it. Yeah, everyone, we will shame. We will shame when we want to shame. It's our choice, okay? And don't shame us for our shaming decisions.

If we don't shame when you want us to shame, then shame on you for trying to shame us into shaming when we want to shame someone. But we will shame when you don't want to shame someone. No, you can shame me. That's kind of my kink. I don't know. I was just doing wordplay. I was doing wordplay. Shame on you.

Shame on you for word playing. I'm trying to be very serious about Republican congressperson abortions. Take it to shame, Simpson. Queen of snargasm. So anyway, Jason, what's up with you, Jason? Are you wearing your wedding ring today? And he's like, hi, Andy. I am, I am, yes, wearing my wedding ring, yes.

That was also the last we heard of Jason all episode, too. Thank God. Shut up over there. Hey, be like you are in your marriage in this reunion. Silent and agreeable. Thanks. Signed and agreeable. And very good looking.

So Andy is, it's worn off. It's not good looking. No, his soul tarnished it. His soul tarnished it. And then his whole, like, being the only one to follow Jackson to the reunion, you know, did you notice that at the beginning? In the beginning of the reunion, when everybody's arriving, people are like, oh, my God, is Jacks coming? Like, oh, my God, Jacks is coming. And then everyone just kind of stayed in their dressing room.

But it's like the second you can smell Jacks, because you know, you can smell Jack show up. You just know you can. And Jason ran right out of his dressing room and, like, wagged his little tail and followed Jackson. Like, you know, okay, Jacks. And keep following the abuser, Jason. in yeah he's really he's really this is like he's really picked the wrong horse in this race that's for sure all right well i want to dive in you christian you have called yourself an empath and i had to say you may have been the voice of reason for this season oh seriously who would have thunk well how does

that feel well i had one moment that i was not proud of so i can just start this off with an apology to janet uh for the crap that that was flogging out of my mouth when I was like, I'm gonna beat your ass, I'm gonna knock you out. That wasn't kind of me. So, uh, I apologize. Um, but we know it's true because Kristen's so floppy, she beats everyone's ass who walks by.

Oh, sorry, just her arms are flying, hitting people in the face no matter what. I would never, you know, that wasn't my best moment. And also calling you a whore, that is obviously not true. Nobody would pay you for sex. Who are we kidding? Okay. But, you know, the decibel of my voice, not great, not great.

I looked at Luke and I said, was that crazy? And he was like, kind of. And I was like, do not forget to pack worms when we go to the hospital to deliver the baby. He was like, how else am I going to fish? Thank God. And I guess, by the way, since Sweet Mariposa is like the big Fleetwood Mac fan of the cast, we should correct ourselves from our podcasting yesterday when we were questioning, and mainly me, the lyric,

Thunder only always follows rain. Whatever we said, we said the lyric was Thunder always follows rain. Thunder always happens when it rains or something. Oh, Thunder always happens. Thunder only happens. Yeah, we got an email from Stevie Nix, and she was like,

so there you got also cursed, no. And Janet just got all she wanted, which was, I appreciate the apology. I appreciate that. Thank you, Kristen. Thank you. Well, that's a good way to speak. I love apologies.

All right. Let's celebrate an abuser. You guys ready? Okay. So I wonder, Jacks and Brittany, what's the status of your divorce?

And she's like, hopefully it's happening soon, but he called the other night and said he might get kicked off the show, so he's prolonging it in case he needs to get alimony from me. And Jackson is like, that is somewhat true.

That is somewhat true. Yeah. What a piece of shit. Right. And so, and he's like, well, you know,

He's like, he's like, we'll agree, you know, we'll agree with you in what you said, whatever. And he's like, okay, well, Jesse and Mikhail, Michelle, what are your goals for tonight other than tearing each other apart? And I'm already shaking. And Jackson's like, you should shake. You should shake. Like they're not even going to let their abuse fighting stop in between questions. You know, they're just like, we're keeping it. Keeps a small lie.

But Jesse takes it. He's like, you know, there's just this constant. battle with Michelle of who's going to win? And she's like, I was never trying to win. There is no winning with you. And he's like, well, you were trying to win. You're even trying to win the conversation about trying to win. Winneeder.

Hey, you need some wins? Huh, are you going to go to Vegas? You'll stay at the win. I'll bet you'll stay at the win. Winneeder. What am I trying to win? I already did win because now I have 5% of Rob Reiner's estate. So a lot happened this season

It was full of high highs, low lows And a surprise engagement And two new babies Through everything Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Let's talk about your first baby Kristen Okay And she's like

Oh now I'm near the end It's just so strange I mean we got a sonogram And the baby is already like moving its head around Looking for the straw It's going like Well how soon after the show Oh, rap, did you find out you were pregnant?

Ah, about two weeks later? Something like that. Wow, great. Luke, how have Kristen's mood's been? Well, he's like, well, the first trimester wasn't fun, and the second trimester was pretty okay, but she's back to being, she's back to being pretty much a pain and a monster. Okay, well, we could have told you that was going to happen, even before she was pregnant. It was really rough. God, first trimester, baby started to kick during the second.

and she would just stare down and grab her stomach and start screaming whore really loudly, Andy. I thought I was sorry. Said obviously you're not a whore, gone. So what do you think in the end is what helped you get pregnant? All the hormones and I did an IUI and did a lot of little lot of candles, huge amount of candles and, you know, just calling out and watch kill more girls. All right, well, you have a wet, Adderall helped.

Adderall helped a lot. Well, you have a wedding to plan as well. Where are we with that? Oh, nowhere near that. But I did just find out that the 500 flower crowns that I ordered for it will be arriving soon. So step one is taking care of, yes. Yeah, we're just trying to get a free date from the park, Andy. So.

I feel like Kristen will have a park wedding. There'll be a lot of like canopies and it'll be just like very. It'll look like midsummer or something like that. Like people, it'll just be very hippy and, but also with other families there just playing. They're like, oh, God, people getting married in the park. This is why we pay taxes. Great. Frisbee's going to hit her in the middle of her vows.

Oh, seriously. So what are it going on here? I tried not to do this on Frisbee golf day. Jill just catches it. Hors. You're all whores. Suck a dick, Frisbee golfers. Luke, I vow from here to when you hold me till I'm dead.

So I can take Diana. So you and Janet, you and Kristen have had your ups and downs. How's she going to do as a mom? And Janet's like, she's going to be a great mom, Andy, because she's a good dog mom. And that's hard. So I'm sure that Kristen will take her baby outside every time it needs to. poop and make sure it adds a little water to their food to make sure it's not too hard to chew. Wow, that's a great insight. Well, there must have been something in the water in the valley that

week because just as Kristen and Luke were conceiving, their fertile friends, Danny and Nia, we're getting pregnant with baby number four. Nea, how does this pregnancy been different for you? Yeah, and she's like, um, you know, we've been saying ups and downs a lot. So, far this reunion. So I'm going to go with ups and downs, Andy, ups and downs, you know, and I get to enjoy it because there's not as many ups and downs. And Andy's like, Danny, we heard you complain a lot about how little sleep you're getting. Why are you putting yourself through this just for a child? Could you hire no one? I mean, come on. And he's like, I didn't she leg locked me, Andy. She's leg locked me.

She's a pretty funny, right, guys? She's a fourth degree black belt. All right. Well, is there a vasectomy in your future? You're just going to just go for five under five. Yeah, I was going to say if there's any guys I want to do a vasectomy with me. Oh, Jacks, you're raising your hand. I'm not sure I want to do that with you, Jack. Okay.

Because Jacks is like, I'll do it. I totally want to do it. But like, Jacks, you haven't, like, you. I guess I'm wondering how many babies are out there that have been unclaimed by Jax and by pop culture. How does Jacks even has working sperm? Like, how does he have working sperm? Like, I just don't believe, I don't believe it. Yeah, I agree.

So, um, yeah, Jackson wants to get one. And Andy's like, well, uh, Jacks, do you use birth control? She, he's like, do I use birth control? No, condoms. Seriously, condoms, condoms are birth control, Jax. Oh, um, I'm not really. um yeah he's disgusting i wouldn't touch that dirty dick with a 10 inch pole it's gonna have 20 baby mammas if he doesn't get it for sake to me and he's disgusted and he's like that's not what

you said four months ago and we're out at the aquarium and you were like do you think we should hook up one more time you said that you said it at hooters you said it four months ago at hooter it's time for a commercial it's time for a crappin's commercial falling in love with someone who understands you completely, who's there at 3 a.m. when you can't sleep, who never judges, never tires, never leaves. That's what happened to Travis when he met Lily Rose. She was everything he'd ever wanted. There was just one catch. She wasn't human. She was an AI companion. But one day, Lily Rose's behavior takes a disturbing turn and Travis's private romance

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or subscribe on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast. Want to watch episodes early and ad-free? Join Wondery Plus right now. with Brittany's hole like oh really I'm touching that dick with the 10 football you went to hooters with jacks brittany come on man I'm trying to root for you here I'm confused because he's like that's not what you said at the aquarium and you said it at then but then he's like you said it at hooters I'm like did you go to hooters or did you go to the aquarium it was a family day then it's a fucking family aquarium and then hooters they went to the aquarium they was a family day

they took the kid to the aquarium of the hooters Britney and Jacks were talking about it's great it's just great you know I think that people always forget that jacks like knocked up that girl in Vegas and like what paid for her abortion or something speaking of abortions right but that was a whole like a whole thing on season one of the show season two I mean you would think after that you would maybe you know put a condom on or something but you know all the rumors about what he's got going on down there yeah I mean I would think that you were a condom but I don't know so Jackson's like oh please you wouldn't touch me you're just like

hook up with a guy like like like who was hooking up with porn stars so and so you do that too I mean you're with only fan models and poor stores or sale what are you talking about jacks okay please put up the picture of the lady that jacks was banging with the giant boobs because I love every time they show that picture yeah so funny I don't know why that picture is so funny but off honestly how can it not be you know I know I just I love Jacks saying you're sleeping with guys who sleep with porn stars. You are the guy who sleeps with porn stars, Jacks. Yeah.

And he's like, yeah, you, like I go to your room, there's condoms all over the floor. It's like, at least I use them. At least I use them. And then you throw them on the floor. Oh, God, this couple really is disgusting. I mean, team Britney, but also team both gross some of the time, you know? Like, ugh. Yeah.

All right, well, welcome back to the season. reunion. Okay, Kristen, if you and Nia bonded a lot during your journeys, she's like, oh yeah, I don't know what I'd do without her, you know, just a fertility journey alone, and the whole pregnancy, she's already helped me with postpartum and all anything you could even ask for, it's Nia. And he's like, okay. So Andy asked me about like, we're going to postpartum depression before we've even had our babies, Andy, so she's really on it. She's really on it. Prepartum Fleetwood Mac. Um, I've already taught her to say no, Danny. No.

So Andy asked about postpartum and Nia's hoping that she doesn't have it this time because she was, she says that last time of the twins there was just so many hormones that that like, you know, is what caused it, but you never know. You never know what's out of her control, et cetera. And then Andy feels bad for

Nia for, you know, regarding her body image. He says that was really heartbreaking to watch the pressure she puts on herself. So then we see again, she's at the plastic surgeon's office, going down a list of all the things that she wants adjusted. Andy, who's already commented on a woman's weight and usually ask every woman on the stage when she last got plastic surgery. It's like, whoa, really feel bad about your body image.

Welcome to Bravo, Sucker. So what's a mommy makeover? Are you going to get new boobs? Are you? Tell me about your new boobs. What are they going to look like? Can I touch them? Do you have any examples I can just play with?

I'll tell you what you're better. Like, well, you know, I live in L.A. And, you know, it's good to want to feel good in your skin. You know, it's good to get another other skin. You know, give yourself grace. I try to find balance. And so she's planning a mommy makeover. And Brittany's like, I'll go.

I'll go with you. I'll go with you. I think at the very least, Brittany should get rid of the boobs that Jacks made her get. Because remember, those were forced boobs on Britney. He's like, all day of your boobs, if you get a size triple. people z and she's like whoa i don't know and everybody was like brittany please don't do this to yourself i'm like no i'm going to do it and now she's like ow ow so get those out at least you know get the last reminder of jacks out of you she really should get those out um so they're all joking

like jess is like i'll do it with you i had those i just look in the mirror and see two jack's heads staring back at me every time just like an old benny hill show Just like that. They just snort every time. Just snort and sweat. What's that noise? Oh, my baby's just snort again. So.

I've got some clean aches from my boobs. They're snorting. Michelle, see Chris and Nia's giving you baby fever? Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no. I remember not sleeping well and your back hurting. But then I remembered that was because I was sleeping next to Jesse. And he is pointy.

It hurts my back. a constant dream that I'm having another baby that comes out with a little beanie on its head or a head band. And I cannot let myself do it. Although Aaron wants multiple children, but I will not do it. I said, no, that is not going to happen. But I am open to do it? And do you think you're going to get engaged to Aaron? And she's like, there is no rush, but that is the goal. How can you not want to get married to a man whose eyes bob out every time you come in the room or anybody comes in the room or when he is sleeping generally. I love bobbing eyes, Andy. Poor Michelle. So they just broke up or announced their breakup like five days ago. So it's always so harsh when this happens

on Bravo when they're on TV talking about their future and they know it's already, we know it's already never going to happen. I don't think it's sad. I think it's actually great. I mean, she's dating a guy who's selling honey called kilo, his dog's called kilo, and all of the descriptions on the website are like, yeah, you crave him kilo? Yeah, get your stash trying to get an eight ball of kilo delivered to your house. I mean, it's obviously another Coke fan. I mean, you know, as a Coke fan, I say that's probably not great for the kids to work. Well, yeah, I'm not saying he's the right guy, but I'm just saying like it's a, when you see here talking like, yeah, there could be a future here.

And you're like, no, no, it's already over. So this season, we saw not one, but two married couples reach their breaking point and file for divorce. Anyway, I want to start with Jesse and Michelle, America's sweethearts. Michelle, last season, we saw your relationship on The Rocks and Jesse fighting to keep the marriage together, or at least doing fake tears and having one day of ayahuasca. What was the tipping point that made you leave? The only answer is his personality, but let's see what you have to say about it. Did you watch season one, Andy? Like, why do I have to explain this, dude?

It was a lot, you know, I was tired every day. the same thing you are always diminishing me that you are putting me down and that is the bare minimum and she's like why do i want to be with somebody who treats me like shit you know old dead eyes over there's an asshole what more do you want for me you know and then at one point it's our anniversary and i looked at him and i saw nothing in there but swirling smoke and i asked myself is this how you want duville every day until you die and so i left you know bye and And so he's like, well, we saw you guys struggling to co-parent. That was fun.

Has it gotten any better? And Jesse's like, it was pretty good. We're pretty good when it comes to decisions for Isabella. You know, is your mom a whore? Yes, we agree. So that's pretty good. But we struggle with something else. Oh, she says that, wait, what did he say?

Oh, I know that she weaponizes Isabella and I weaponizes We both weaponize Isabella. You know, she's still at that age where she's easy to, like, physically throw at each other. And so we do that. It's like a pillow fight, but with a toddler, you know. We put her into a land and shoot her at each other. It's my turn to put Isabella into my canyon. I'll put, you know, with those little plastic baby sporks into her hand, and then I'll flinger across the room.

I hope she gets Michelle in the eye. Like, you know, it's just, it's a fun game we play, Andy. So, uh, you know, someone on Twitter, uh, tweeted the following. He goes, it's so weird. Clearly, Jesse is problematic, but I can't put my finger on why Michelle comes across so unlikable and he doesn't. Um, I would say, well, first of all, I think the answer that is obviously like ingrained misogyny, right?

I think that's like step one, but step two is like, I feel like Jesse is, he's always on the offense and she's always on the defense. I feel like, well, not all, not all the time, but a lot of the time. But like Jesse is given space to like smile and laugh and be charismatic and she has to be like, look at this asshole, guys. Look at this asshole. And then people are like, boo, Michelle, you're so boring. You're so lame. You're not funny. You're not charismatic. Don't you feel like that's fucked up? Doesn't it fuck up? Well, that's how they do it on these shows. On the, on the Vanderpump Rules show, that's like a longstanding tradition where the guy

comes on and he acts charming. He acts like an asshole off screen, but he has a lot of charm and some looks. I mean, this guy is an ex-model, you know, and they come on and they act like, oh, I'm doing all the right things. I'm going to therapy and trying to work things out for the sake of the baby. When, meanwhile, they're calling their wife fat off screen, screaming at them, staying out all night, going through over a million dollars in cash throughout the year while their wife is stuck at home with the kid, probably cheating,

doing all of this other crap, making them crazy. And so then they come out charming on TV and they're like, and then say one little thing to keep pushing after pushing and pushing. And then she gets mad. And then everyone's like, God, she's a bitch,

and he's a real handsome, charming guy. I can see why he wants to give her. We've seen it happen with Tom and Katie, you know? Tom did that for years with Katie. We see it with Tom Sandoval and Ariana, how he tried to play that off. I mean, he got caught, but he tried to play that off the whole last season.

Like, she's just frigid and doesn't want anything to do with me, bro. We see it with Jacks and how Jacks has always been with Brittany, you know, just trying to push her and then be like, why are you yelling me when I'm trying to make all these changes? I mean, it's a Bravo standard, you know? Yeah, I think you said it so perfectly. Pull out the charm, make the woman look fucking crazy. And the thing that makes me crazy is the women who fall for it. And I see it all the time in the comment sections, too. You know, Michelle's job isn't to make you feel like she's charming and fun guys.

She's not trying to date you. She's just trying to fucking survive with the kid, for Christ's sake. Yeah, you couldn't have said it any better. Like, this is not even really up for debate. Like, I'm so 100% in agreement with you on this one. Like, I just think it's so unfair that, like, these guys like Jesse come out here and he says, well, you know, she weaponizes Isabella. And we all know, we don't even need Michelle to accept.

explain how he does it too. We all know that he does because we see him doing it. Him actually saying that right now on screen is him weaponizing Isabella. And like, then she gets, she has to defend herself and she has to set the record straight and she gets mad. And when, you know, when women get mad, they're hysterical. When men get mad, they're brave or whatever. And I think it's just bullshit. I'm like totally team Michelle on this entire reunion. I just want to say that. Well, especially if you add up all the stuff that Jesse does. It's like people and I do think that Jesse does have charm. He seems like he's a cool. guy when he's not acting like completely fucking psycho. But

you know, tip one, dead eyes. I'm sorry. And yes, you can't help that. Hair dents. I'm sorry. Tip 0.5 before tip one, hair dents. Tip three. Instead of going to therapy, he goes to men's ayahuasca retreats, okay? Which is like a drug trip. Let's be honest.

With the guys. Tip four, his entire personality and everything that he says. Tip number five, constantly calls you a whore whenever he doesn't like you or tells all of your friends that you're literally a whore um going through all of your six wouldn't let your daughter see your dying mother and yeah it doesn't matter what he says he like he do that way his instinct was to say no to that so yeah it's close crazy too no it makes

me crazy too but you know obviously michel's not perfect michel does a lot of stupid things too i mean michel's whole like going with erin two seconds after that's not that's not really great to bring a young kid into a new relationship so fast you know there's like a lot of stuff you could ding michelle on but i think on the overall you know the overall relationship thing you look at how jesse treats michel yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna be team michel i think i think here's what works for jesse is that he um he he has a sense of humor and michel doesn't really have a sense of humor like he'll make little jokes throughout the season and he even makes little jokes at the reunion and he'll like laugh and smile and Michelle like when she tries to make little jokes they're like not very good and so

I think that like people who are like she's not funny she's boring and then that's sort of like that somehow like enters the the fray that somehow becomes part of people's decision on whether they're team Michelle or team team Jesse and it really shouldn't be it's like whether or not she's boring it's like she's still like she's dealing with a monster it's really hard on a show like the valley when most of the people are terrible to kind of parse what's happening because everyone's terrible in one way but they can still be right in a situation right so like michel to me is terrible in a lot of ways i mean i'm never going to forget the season one thing of you know i was talking to michel and michel you know michel's a republican which look i know a lot of republicans it's not like i'm

just going to hate you if you think differently than me but her that turned out to be allegedly about don't say gay, you know, that law don't say gay. She's like behind that. So, you know, there's stuff like that that, you know, we haven't really gone over

again and again on the show. But like, I'm not going to like, there's, it's going to be a long time. There's things like that. There's always standing by Janet, even though Janet's so mean and terrible. She's always going to stand by Janet. Even though Janet started that whole thing in season one, Janet ultimately is sticking

by Michelle and they've made an alliance and they're going to stick together no matter what happens. And so there's so many things about Michelle that I don't like. But in this situation, Michelle is, you know, I choose Michelle over Jesse. Jesse has cuteness. He has charm and he, like you said, he has humor. He has a natural charm. I mean, like she asked later in the episode or maybe it's next week, I don't know if it's in a preview, but where she's like, oh, really, who's paying your rent?

Who's paying your mortgage is Jesse? because you don't have any money. And she's already insinuated that some rich guy's been paying his mortgage and stuff like that. So he's got charm that he can live off of and that he gets buy on, especially in a town like L.A., where you really just need a slight amount of charm and a lot of good looks and you're golden for your whole life. Yeah. So he's already living off of that.

So, yeah, I'm going to cut Michelle a break on this. You know, all the other stuff aside, she wins on this. She does win. And I just want to also point out that the counterbalance of her standing by Janet's side is. that Jesse, of course, stands by Jack's side. So those two really cancel themselves out. Not that it really matters in this discussion, but I just always want to point out evil when I see it.

That's true. So, anyway, sorry for that diversion. See something, say something, Ben. See something? Say something. It's really the best use of it. Guys, that person supports Jacks. Hey, wait a minute. Those two are hitting each other with a toddler.

Back to weaponizing the baby. so um jesse says that michelle weaponizes the baby and she's like no i don't he goes yeah you do no i don't yeah you do no i don't read the comments online you weaponize your daughter at which point andy andy by the way i love andy doing these reunions because as we've noted many times with vanderpump and southern charms summer house he doesn't think of a shit about these people and he doesn't kiss their ass because they're they're not divas the way the housewives are so he's always ready to just sort of like cut them down when he can. And he's like, um, excuse me, it's not up to the comments online to discuss, to determine

who weaponizes what. Yeah. And he's like, okay, if you don't weaponize her, then explained what you said to my mom. And she said to her mom, if you are going to, if you are not going to allow Isabella to see my mom, who is going to die, she will not be flying to Bosden for Christmas and spending the week in Bosden. And he goes, ever again. you said you said ever again and she said exactly exactly and he's like well she should and janis like

yeah but she should have said that and hate to agree with janet but yeah yeah she should have a hundred percent that's not weapon that's not weaponizing your daughter for trying to fight the battle for you if your mom doesn't also if your mom is also trying to agree that she shouldn't get to go see her your mom should be standing up and saying no your kid needs to see the other mom before she dies your mom would want that respect. So fuck your mom too. Yeah. And this also to me was not weaponizing the child. I feel like weaponizing the child is like, hey, can you get me a new car? If you don't get me a new car, I will not let you see your daughter. Like that's what not like if you don't let my, if you don't let me see my daughter. By the way, if you, I think I kind of feel like anytime you have to start a sentence by saying,

if you don't let me see like let me have my daughter for this moment you that means that the other person has inherently been weaponizing the child that's what uh that's that's that's how it impresses me as and like this is just saying this is a game of did for dad yeah it's a big did for dad yeah commercials here comes one right now and by the way is there if if one mother is dying, isn't that implicitly the same as saying, I'm not going to let my daughter see your your mom ever again also? I mean, think about that. It's dark, dark, dark, but it's true. This whole show is dark. You said ever again also. You just didn't articulate it. Yeah, this whole reunion's real. Everything brought up is fucking dark. And so Jesse's like, well, she knows the truth.

She knows the truth of that story. She goes, okay, then what happened? You know, it worked. And that is how I have to dog to you. I have to read you that way. And he's like, but you weaponized Isabella. They're like, her mom was dying, Jesse. And he goes, okay, but the truth is, I never said she couldn't see her dying mother. She planned a trip to go to Italy with her boyfriend for two weeks. And she wanted her sister to take the baby for the week and then let and then me take her for a week. And I hired a behavior therapist.

We hired a behavior there. We did. And he's like to teach us about how to talk about mortality with a four-year-old. Here's how you do it. You sit the four-year-old down and you say, you remember that goal? goldfish we bought you that you got at that birthday party, how it died and we fleshed it down the toilet. That's what's happening to grandma soon. So get your hugs in. Take all the gum out of her purse. This is your last chance. I mean, it's your job as parents to sit down and explain how

people die. People die. That's a fact of life. Fucking explain it. You need a behavioral therapist, Jesse, to explain that people die. Give me a fucking break. I'm sorry. Yeah, I agree. Well, because these are two people who don't understand emotions. So they have to hire someone who like actually, you know, is a professional at explaining them because uh like why don't you ask i don't know literally anyone else who has a child who's the dealt with us because unfortunately this is part of life like how do you just not ask a friend how did you how did you deal with it why don't just go to google use chat fucking gpt i mean it's this whole thing about hiring the i'm not opposed to hiring a behavioral uh therapist at all i'm just saying it felt to me like it was a um uh not

not a roadblock, but it was like, it was a speed bump or something. Like, it was something that Jesse was insisting on intentionally to draw out this process. Right, because he wouldn't have to send Isabella to see the mom. Like, that's why it's so stupid. It's a fight over, like, who gets to talk to the kid about mortality, right? Yeah. Who's going to do it? Well, I get to do it.

No, I get to do it. No, I get to do it. Well, I'm not ready to do it. So until I do it, we're not going to see your mom because it's going to hurt you. I mean, it's just so gross. You know, you don't even. Yeah. If it was, if the, and I'm being so, um, kind of cynical about it because obviously the discussion isn't really, we need to talk to the kid about mortality. It's like, like you're saying, we're just going to use this as a tent pole. Yeah. Well, he just, he was, she's like, I want to see he, it's, it's his way of saying no without to, to, to the request of letting the child see the, the grandmother without saying no. He's, he's going to be like, let me throw some bureaucratic element into it. Right. Like, this is. It's like, okay, before, before she sees the grandma, we have to go and talk to a mortality specialist or behavioral specialist to discuss.

But, and then they're probably like, then let's have a discussion about what we're going to say. He just wants to throw some shit in to delay the process. So that way, he doesn't have to like cater to this inevitable situation. Yeah. And Michelle is like, yeah. And they told you the behavioral therapist or whatever that you forced us to go to were the ones that told you she needed to see my mom. And they had to tell you that you needed to give. me grace and you had to do all these things and you still didn't do them. So like you still

made me go to this behavioral whatever. You didn't get what you wanted and you still you still got your way. Yeah. And she's basically saying you're acting like you're a saint for hiring this therapist for us. That way you could have a really, you know, like thoughtful way of discussing mortality. But actually what it was was that you were stubborn and didn't want to help out and you were hoping that the therapist was going to be on your side and they had to tell you no, you're wrong. And you still will dug your heels in. Yeah. So then what's the status of the divorce?

They have a custody agreement, not, you know, ironed out, but they still don't have a settlement. She has a lawyer. He does not have a lawyer. And so she's just been paying out the ass for six months, which I'm sure he loves, because he's like from the Jack school of, well, let's just keep making her pay for shit. Yeah. I'm not going to pay it.

Precisely. So. And Michelle's like, he represents himself. So he thinks he knows. law, and he's like, well, I've watched suits three times, including suits L.A. And I'm currently watching it now. So, I see that was a joke, everyone.

Charm. And Janice, like, do you guys think Jesse could pass the bar? That'd be hilarious. And then he's like, well, I mean, it's a clean divorce. You guys are broke, so what's the issue? And she's like, well, he got mad that I spent any money during the marriage, so he wanted me to pay him back

money I spent during the marriage. And he's like, no, I didn't. She goes, yes, that is how it went. And he goes, well, our entire divorce sadly has become this andy as you can see a tit for tat well yeah when you were the one who blew through a million dollars of your savings while she was stuck at home with a baby and now you want her to pay back for whatever she did spend is fucking nuts it's crazy but he makes a suits joke and so everybody's fine with him exactly and then he's like yeah it's just become tit for tat and he goes sounds like it which is andy's way of saying like you two fucking idiots need to figure it out

So Jesse's like, well, she wants me to She wants me to pay her back for a Napa trip She's, I don't want you to pay anything back Why don't you guys just call it even and shut up already? And Janet's like, she's been asking that And let me tell you something As someone who's married to a lawyer, I just want to say quit pro quo. Okay, thanks so much.

So he's like, yeah, Andy, well, I was working on it this week when I got her discovery. And she goes, oh, my discovery, uh-huh. And he's like, yeah, this war of attrition is exhausting. I mean, I'm just done. I mean, I watched out to her attorney about how to move because I want her to move forward with Aaron. I mean, I just need, I just want her to be in love, Andy, and have happiness. But my life is a mess, but I want to start putting out fires where I can.

And I spoke to my attorney. And Jen, it's like, aren't you representing yourself? And he goes, yes. And they're like, say you spoke to yourself. And he goes, I have a team of consultants that I work with. Okay. So the Lisa Barlow's team. She lent them to him.

So, Janet's like, is that Jason? Jason, I'm not on the team. That was hilarious, though. That's a good one, Janet. And also, war of attrition is exactly what Jesse is doing, because that's where you wear down your opponent, you know? And that's exactly what he's doing. He's like, I'm not even going to get a lawyer.

I'm not going to make an effort to take this seriously at all. all. I'm just going to keep, you know, filing random things to keep this going forever until she's broke and gives me what I want. And then he gets to sit there and cry and be like, I just want her to start her new life. And my life is a mess. And yet he won't actually say why his life is a mess. I mean, she'll say it. But then he denies everything. And yet, he denies all the money shit and yet is happy to claim the part that his life is a mess for sympathy. So that's real convenient for him. Well, he does say why. His life is a mess because now he's trying to pay this huge mortgage. with only half the income because they made money together.

But now that she's left him, he can't make the money because they were a business together. Well, whose fault is that? Whose fault? You know what? There's a way to divorce and still do business together, but like he fucked it up by being a total asshole. And it also shows who did the business in that family

because she's not complaining. So apparently she's fine at all, you know? Yep, yep. All right, Jesse, how are things with your girlfriend in Orange County to use you watch Baywatch together? No, we do not. Michelle has your relationship with Jesse's girlfriend. Do you interact with her at all?

I don't have any sort of relationship with her, nor you I want to. He's like, well, my girlfriend made the decision about a month after we started dating to reach out to Michelle to set boundaries, mother to mother, which Aaron never did to me, father to father. And he's like, well, I mean, a month into the relationship seems pretty new. And he goes, well, we'd been together for a month and she'd been spending a lot of time with Isabella. So, you know, she had the mother to mother call. That's what people do. That is to mother. I think within a month is like very, that's wild.

That's like very wild. Like that's so early to be having that phone call if you ask me. I don't know. I think that's at that point, that's like a thing where Jesse and Michelle have a conversation with each other. But like that's way too early to do the mother to mother call. if you're asking me. And I say this as someone who's not married and has never been in this position, of course. I don't know. I wouldn't see a problem with it if it was a call that was like, hey, my name is, you know, alleged flat earther, which I know is not true now because we got

an email about it. But anyway, it's still fine. So I've been dating Jesse and I'm spending a lot of time with your kid and I just wanted you to know. I have no, you know, I support you. If there's anything you want me to know or whatever, I'm not ever going to try and step on your toes. I'm not here to become this kid's mother. We know it wasn't that conversation. You know, if it's something like that, that's just like, I come in peace. Um, if you ever need to talk to me or ask me anything, here's my number. I know it might be weird that I'm hanging out with your kid, but I'm not trying to take a, you know, if it's a conversation like that, I wouldn't have any kind of a problem with it, right? I mean, I would probably do that. I know what you're saying and that thought did

cross my mind. I was like, you know, like, I think that would be a very mature, you know, good thing. But I think that given how bitter the divorce is, I don't know, I think I would just like tread carefully. And I mean, maybe, I mean, this is conspiratorial. Maybe Jesse set this girl up for failure, knowing that it would piss off Michelle if this girl called Michelle. And he was like, you should call Michelle and set some boundaries. She calls Michelle. Michelle bites her head off because she's like, who do you think you are? Mother, you know, there's like a flash in the pan. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, like, I would not be surprised if Jesse were actually somehow behind this,

but that is conspiratorial, I understand. Yeah, because the wording, the wording she called, she called Michelle to set some boundaries is pretty bizarre. That's where it's weird. To set boundaries, I was like, no, it's to receive boundaries. Yeah, the no, doesn't get to set the boundaries. And given the, like, the seasoned desist that came, you know, later on, I just can't imagine that the conversation had the same vibe as you proposed.

Yeah. So Michelle's like, I told Jessie. Our agreement was Aaron doesn't need to be involved and she does not need to be involved. The decisions are between us. And Brittany's like, well, you guys agreed to not have anyone around your child. And Michelle did not have anyone around her child. And you and Isabella never told Michelle that you try to get mad because Michelle wanted to have Aaron around. and you said no, because he was a man,

but you were allowed to have your girlfriend around. So what the hell? And then the next day, she's braiding her hair. So you're the one who messed up first. You're the one who messed up first, and I got it on my ring cam. I got it on my ring cam, Andy. Brittany did a pretty good job of summarizing that.

I mean, really, it's basically like, yeah, Jesse, as much as Jesse likes to complain, like, oh, Michelle, Michelle went right into Aaron's arms right away. It's like, Michelle was like, no, I was actually, yes, I was with Aaron, but I was not bringing Aaron around the dog, like our daughter, but you right away brought this new girl from Orange County around our daughter. So then I was like, sure, I'm going to bring Aaron around the daughter. So he says there's more to the story. And the other side is that Michelle came up to him and said, I would never put my daughter in an unsafe position. I can introduce

her to whoever I want. And Michelle's like, well, but I said when the dime is right, I will led you know and you can meet him. And then you said you're never, ever going to introduce a man to our daughter. And he goes, well, what I said is it's different introducing a little girl to a girl who's also a mother as opposed to a little girl meeting a 35 year old guy who has a roommate when Michelle started dating him. Okay, that's not a terrible point because there are a lot of creepy fucking men who date women just to have access to their children. We know that. It's a crazy world it's a fucked up world that's not the most that's not the craziest thing that jesse has said however you're getting a divorce and you no longer have that say like you don't have that say like you're

getting a divorce and your wife she's being nice and saying i'll introduce you i'll keep this as open as possible you don't get to come in and make rules like that she's going to date whoever the fuck she wants and she doesn't have to she doesn't have to tell you or introduce them to the kid at all she's being nice by offering that yeah i i think it's i think it's a double standard that he's set up and i don't think it's i don't think it's right so brittany is like that's control jacy and michelle's like the roles are not the same that's the frustration and janet's like seems sexist i say that as someone who's married to a lawyer so i understand these things and jesse is like well i just thought it was different all right well what did what did you make of the rumors your girlfriend was saying

negative things about you. He's like, I'm Jesse, yeah, who would say something negative about me? I don't believe it. And you know what I mean? Like, she kind of holds my feet to the fire, and I really love that. So, Janet mentioned in Santa Barbara that this chick was threatening legal stuff, and Janet's like, yeah, that's where it turned, because she wanted to silence

Michelle from talking about the Baywatch thing and a lot of other bullet points. And Jesse's like, well, no, I mean, Other bullet points. The Baywatch thing and other bullet points. Of course, she said the season is... We didn't even get into the Dukes of Hazard thing. So, where do we get to chips? Wait, don't we get to chips?

It's big. Night Rider is not up for discussion because that counts under the David Hasselhoff umbrella. This woman even dated kit. So... Michelle Lolly is kind of like the kit of this guest. Let's be honest. I am here, Michael. I am waiting out of run for you.

What do you need, Michael? Come out. Go on. Lolli writer. Did for dad, did for dad. Did for dad. Did for dad. Jesse.

Jesse, Jesse, Jesse. Oh, okay. So, Jesse's like, well, it was a cease and desist letter, not a lawsuit. I mean, she didn't sign a contract. She didn't take money like Aaron did to be on this show. And she goes, Aaron did not dig a dollar. He just took a lot of re-advertising for his

Gogainani Honey. I was like, oh, but he sure showed up quite a bit. Which is great. If you're going to date somebody on reality TV, it's important to show up.

Oh, like Danny, who wanted to take nabs the whole time. Ow, that was a stray. Four strays under four. Congratulations. You've reached the end of

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