Watch What Crappens - #2953 RHOM S7E8 Part 1: Two Ships Sassing in the Night

Episode Date: July 31, 2025

This is part 1 of a two-parterThe Real Housewives of Miami are split onto two separate yachts, but not even that can stop the squabbling when Diana is armed with a water gun. And her mouth. You can watch this recap on video, listen to our Love Island bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens.  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Watch what crappins Who cares what happens when there's so much than crappins? I'm Ronnie. That's Ben. Hi. How are you, Ronnie? Good. One of my eyes healing up okay.

one of my eyes not healing up okay what the hell am i going to be wonky-eyed for the rest of my life what's wrong is it forever look this one's all swollen and purple still and this one's not well maybe you got an infection or something you maybe should you just go to uh get it checked out i'm sure it's why i had that done to texas so guess what i'm just i'm just praying you don't does it hurt there no oh if it doesn't hurt then you're probably not infected it's probably just bruising hey it's like you're my own doctor that's what what I always say to myself. If you're not bleeding, don't go to the hospital. Hell, even if you are bleeding, use a paper towel and some Velcro and close that shit up. What are you going to do?

Yeah, I think if it were infected, you would, you would feel something and it'd be like really uncomfortable. But if it's just bruising, it's just, you know, it's the body's feeling. Guess what I feel? I feel nothing. Everybody, welcome to the show. Today is Real Housewives of Miami. We're super excited, okay? It was a dueling yacht day. Real Housewives of Miami. If you want to watch this on video, No, you can. Just go over to Crappins on demand. Okay, that's where we do these on video. It's on our Patreon. If you don't want to do that, whatever. You don't have to. We're there for free a week later over on our YouTube channel. Also, our bonus episodes are open on Patreon, up on Patreon. And this week's is about our trip to Vegas, seeing Beyonce, seeing Backstreet Boys, getting mad at hotels and airlines. You know, good stuff like that. But today, here we are with the real house lives of Miami. Season 7, Episode 8, Doodling Yachts. Yacht fight. Yacht fight.

Yeah, I don't think we've ever seen this before on Bravo. Two yachts chartered for one episode. It's kind of amazing, actually. It's funny because, you know, I watched the screener for this week's Orange County right after this. And really going from a show that just has, it's like, flush with colors and water like beautiful turquoise water and palm fronds and two separate yachts and then going to like Newport Beach it's an adjustment I have to say it really is whiplash going from Miami to Orange County but it also just is really more of a statement of

how lux this show is and I just don't know why anyone anyone would sleep on it because this is the luxury that we want from Bravo yeah and you know the beginning of the season we saw Kiki, talking about how she used to date a guy who had a yacht and that's why she, or what is he like the head of the yacht club or something? Yeah, she did mention that. Yes. So now she's like getting these yachts for her party episode, you know, but I guess the guy, whoever she's dating, I guess he's like, just take two smaller ones. And I actually like that because it led to like fighting over two boats, which I thought was really creative. You know, we've already seen fighting on one boat. And then with this cast, we saw fighting on the pontoon thing in Mexico, which was, you know, classic.

So they're like, well, you know what? How are we going to try and top this? Two boats. Yeah, they really like putting their camera people on restricted boat spaces because there was no room on that boat in Mexico City. And this one, because these boats were smaller yachts, we're used to below deck where those camera people can just travel on any deck without any issue. but here you see them like trying to kind of like squeeze down the side of the boat as they're trying to you know follow the cast members with their water guns it was kind of funny yeah that was a good one so we open at julian martina's home and there's it's chaos you know we just see birds squawking elephants her giraffes tearing down trees rhinoceroses you know like beating down garage doors that's what they use is like a garage door opener just like a rhinoceros and then kids running around martina trying to figure out what a pop tart is you know yeah yeah it's it's pure chaos but luckily they're wealthy these are wealthy lesbians who can afford a nanny so the nanny will

take over now and instead julia martina go and look at the sunset together and julia's like you know i have you and we have each other and we have boys and we have girls we have nothing in between never betwixt shall they meet so So Julia's like, right now, everything in my life and in Martinez's life is about boys. I was told boys are more active and they definitely are, but year of grazing goat

make me prepared. So, yeah, we see the kids are, the boys are like, in high chairs, they're like flipping over things on the table. It's just, it is chaos, as you said. It is pure chaos. There's like powder in the air. Like, things are flying everywhere.

It's madness. So then Martinez, like, Speaking of, we have to put them to sleep tonight. Could you choose better terminology? Oh, yes. I'm talking about your goats. I can't do all this. Oh, I'm still upset about Gertie and how she behaved yesterday at the event. Okay, well, that has nothing to do with us putting the boys to bad, but sure, I guess you'll just change the subject. Probably it's a good thing I didn't go to that, because you know what I would have done. I would have sat there cross-legged and given you know rolly eye looks they watch out ladies martina's coming and you're about to get nevratolova i might have uh put out an extremely problematic tweet uh so julia's like

oh he's so petty by wait ronnie are you supposed to be using that wand on your healing eye at the uh her i'm trying to heal it with red light ronnie don't don't i don't like is healing. This is how Jesus healed lepers. Red light, red light wand. I think don't touch it. Don't touch it. Well, it's not like oozing. It's just like if it's

it's close up, it's just like bruising, you know? I thought this will help. You're like vibrating on it. You're vibrating on your bruise. Well, isn't that's not it? Isn't that what healers do? They tap? I don't know. I'm not a great you and they put heat on you. I mean, I'm just, I'm the, I'm the Reiki healer for myself from Vanderpump Rules.

Be nicer to. I am not. I am not. I am not a doctor. Be nicer to Britney. I'm not a doctor, but I am someone who watched Dr. Nicole on this episode, and I'm going to say, I don't think you should be fiddling with that eye. Just let it heal on its own. Well, it's been red light. Do your forehead.

Let's see by the end of the episode. You've got much more. You can play around with all the rest of your face, but not that eye. Just let that eye do its thing. Well, let's wait because by the end of the episode, look, my irony looks better. I'm telling you. I just fixed it, you guys. Does it look better?

I think it does. I don't know because I'm blinding this eye now. It was like you've been putting red light into your eyeballs and then you're like, well, I can't see the red anymore. Yeah. You guys, if you think you look bad, you should blind yourself in one eye and you'll look better. I just, like, staring into a light. I can't see how far away I am from the screen. I just solved it.

Okay. So they're talking about how this whole, you know, you. You know, Julia's doing her whole victim thing. Like, oh, I'm so upset about Gertie. And how she behaved. It's also petty. I left. And Adriana wanted me to go hash it out with her.

And Martina's like, there is no hashing out. There is no hashing out. How dare she put up completely benign texts and said nothing bad on a screen? Hashtag no hashing. So Julia's like, well, after having time to think about. about why Adriana didn't follow me. I'm starting to think that there's some sort of resentment towards me. Like, maybe she doesn't like that I stop hanging out with her

and hanging out with her mortal enemies. Like, I don't know, she's crazy like that. Because now my friends are Marisol and Alexia. The cool girls, they've accepted me. On Wednesdays, we wear pink. I love that Julie is so confused. She's like, maybe Adriana's resentful. Yeah, maybe she is, because you dropped her like a bag of hot potatoes.

A bag of hot potatoes? You dropped you like a... Yeah, I would drop that. I don't even want to drop a... Imagine a single potato is bad enough, but a bag of them. And I'm assuming the bag's not insulated, right? Just a mesh bag with all the heat where you just touch all those hot surfaces. Yeah.

But I mean, a bag of hot potatoes isn't bad because at least you're not like burning your hand. I mean, the point is that's a hot potato, but it's not in a bag. I mean, I could take a hot potato in a bag in the first place. To deliver it, man. How else are you going to door dash? got to make the mortgage so anyway she dropped her like a poopie diaper like a bad habit yeah julia julia's just shocked she's treating everybody like shit and then now um all of the sudden they don't like her anymore hi i'm your friend consequences you dumb stupid julia even i don't like you julia

and i used to love you i love julia and i'm so i'm i even don't like your goat anymore just i don't like your goat i still like the goat i still like the goat i do too i like that i like I'm just agree with everything you say. I'm going to copycat you the whole rest of the episode. You should do it. Question. Is there any coming back for Julia? Because, like, we loved Julia for the longest time.

And now she's taking this turn. You know, I know every season, people, like, you hate someone in one season. You love them the next season. But this season has shown, like, a social climbing side of Julia. Like, a side that, like, really was not there. And I'm wondering, like, with a good edit next season or, like, walking things back. Can we really like Julia again? Or as that ship sailed, I saw her on watch her happened live last night. And she's like, Gerdi, I would love to talk to you. And I would love

to settle this at the reunion. Please, Gertie. Please come back to me, Gertie. Oh, really? Because you've been making snotty little comments all over your Instagram and making little laughy emojis when people are on your side about throwing water on her and everything else. So your apology is bullshit. Okay. And it's too late. And did you see the interviews with Gertie that have been going around this week where she's talking about how this boat thing happened even before the last reunion? I mean, it was forever ago. So Julia had no problem. She still stood up for her all reunion, had no problem with it until she needed a storyline to be on Marisol and Alexia's side. Shame. Shame on you. Shame. Shame on you. So do you think there's, she's been like, oh my God, this happened a year ago. And that's when

And then she comes at me at the party. That's why I'm looking like, am I in the Truman show? Am I in the Truman show right now? I'm looking around at the camera. It's like, what? What? I like this like puppet that you're doing there. That's very Muppet, very Muppet.

That's how she is. She is Muppity. Let's be honest. But do you think there's coming back for Julia? Do you think like she could have like a good edit next season and we embrace her again? or do you think she has been forever tarnished? I mean, you know, look, Julia's like a wackadoo. I think as long as she keeps goats and wackiness in her life, she'll be fine.

But the only coming back for me, like if she goes up to her wife and says, stop your bullshit, racist, homophobic, nasty tweeting, you cow. Stop acting like a fucking asshole and embarrassing me all over the place. And behavior, I mean, it would have to start there. Like, it would have to start even beyond the gertie stuff. As far as the Gertie stuff, I think she can only heal herself if she realizes that who she is fighting for are evil. You know, like, Alexia and Marisol are very funny. I would never say, like, get rid of them.

I think they're, you know, an integral part of the show. But they're evil, and you cannot side with evil. So I hope it's like one of the movies where you side with evil and then you realize that you've sided with evil and then you do the right thing and you defeat evil. You know, something like that. But otherwise, no. I don't think Alexia and Marisol are evil. Because we've seen evil on these shows before. And they're just, they're just Alexia and Marisol.

What I do think, though, is that they're evil to Adriana. And I think that Julia, and they are their own click. And I think Julia has exposed, like, some sort of pick-me energy with them. And she's abandoned her friend. Now, is her friend unstable and also actually quite terrible in and of herself? Yes. Yes, she is. Does she just leave one, like, flaming pile of girls?

for another perhaps but still I think it was like I do think that like Adriana and Julia had a real bond and it's sad to see her leave that now of course there's also you could make an argument here comes a classic Ben flip-flops slightly it's not really a flip-flop but I'm just like adding like acknowledging a point so that way I just acknowledge it which is that like being friends with Adriana is probably really annoying and like if Adriana should have also just been like, cool, be friends with them. That's okay.

But I think the issue is that Julia also ditched Adriana in the process. I mean, both of them are so territorial, Alexia and Adriana. So, you know, Alexia was probably not down for Julie to hang out unless she ditched Adriana. And Adriana is not going to be happy with Julia unless she ditches Alexia. So, you know, damned if you do, damned if you don't. But you might as well just stick with the devil you know, right? And what am I even saying?

Am I arguing anything at this point? Am I just talking? Yeah, no, I'm listening to you. But I think part of the Adriana thing is that she's got her own karma from the Leah season because Leah brought Adriana onto this show. She got her cast on this show. And then Adriana turned on her to be friends with the popular girls. Remember, she was making her stab at going against Leah to get the favor of Marisol and Alexia and all of them. So she's already done that.

I mean, that was years and years ago, obviously. But this is kind of her karma coming to fruition. So then she gets this other lady on the show, and this other lady does the exact same thing to her. She dumps her literally for no reason just to go to these other ladies and be popular. And it's, you know, the cycle continues. It's a circle of life. It's a circle of housewife's life. It does.

And I am in no way supporting Julia and the way she just dropped Adriana and just like fled to the cool girls. But what I am going to say is that there is a part of me that can understand. that you've come on to the show and you're stuck at like the shit table with Adriana like season after season and it's only because Adriana can't like act like a grown-up sometimes like she's like really like an impetulent child

all the time and Julia's kind of like I'm sick of sitting at the kitty table I want to do more fun things I want to go to more parties I want to hang out with other people so I in some ways I can actually kind of understand it but I still think it's really shitty I think there's a way to like make new friends and keep the old, you know.

And I think that Julia was, has, has done it in a social climbing way instead of a, um, hey, I want to have more of this, like a fuller experience on this show. And isn't it funny how she ended up getting away from petulant, Adriana, by acting petulant to be in with the other ladies. Yeah. Like throwing water on somebody, throwing a fit for no reason. She's going petulant to be friends with the other ladies to avoid the petulant person. It's like, it's like, it's like,

Miami logic is so it's mind it's mind boggling Miami logic is mind bottling and it's a great reminder of how great this show is it's so wonderful there's so much going on so any day um Julia is still talking and she's like I closed my eyes and I thought about it for a second the party and I just when when she humiliated me I just walked back in because I just had one question for Gerdie so one night earlier she goes up to she goes up to she goes up to to Gertie. And she goes, what was the point of you doing this? And Gurdie's like, well, you promised you said to me, Gertie, what I will do is I'm going

to say this. Get your fingers out of my face like you normally do. You are not, you're not listening. You're not listening. Okay, what you're here for? Finger, finger, sir? No, I have ten fingers and I will use them and in any direction I want to because these fingers, it's my party for my fingers.

This is a party for fingers. And focus can point in every direction, up, down, left, right, in directions you don't even know about. about. Humankind doesn't even understand these directions because they're in different dimensions and I get to use them. So what are you here for? Go home. Girl buy. No class coming here with sneakers on while I humiliate you with text messages. I don't think you're allowed to yell at lesbians for wearing sneakers. I will say that. I'm on Gertie's side. I'm on Gertie's side for this whole fight, but I think that lesbians have like fought for a long time for the right to wear sneakers places. I'm just going to say that. Yeah. That's, that's, that's, that's,

That's a fair point. I also do love, like Gertie, who has just gone out of her way to publicly humiliate Julia, to them be like, oh, you have no class wearing sneakers, at least dress formally while I humiliate you publicly. And Martina's like, oh, well, I've have sneakers. I mean, I wore these sneakers. These are real Chanel sneakers. And I wore them to the royal box. And they said, you can't come in with sneakers.

And I said, these are Chanel. And I'm a lesbian. And they said, fine. And so I did. so I was in the royal box yeah you're also extremely rich and famous you dumb ass it's not like you were at the royal box for any other reason yeah exactly that by the way the royal box does sound like a lesbian bar so then we see of course Julia and Martina at Lake Wimbledon sitting behind Princess Kate and Megan Markle so then Julia's like but Grady is not whatever issues she could have with me I apologize for the water I apologize and we see you apology and everything. And she was, I thought we were moving forward. Progress was made. She said, not so much. It's a serious thing when people have cancer and they survive it and we're celebrating the fact that they survive because 20 years ago it might have been in death sentence. And

that's what she does at her event. I mean, you know, perhaps on one point, on one end, you have a point. But on the other hand, it's like, what a way to, what a way to celebrate being alive than using your platform to publicly humiliate a fellow real housewife that is living i don't like this whole like oh we have cancer so suddenly we have manners i mean i'm sorry do they put manners in chemo now get the fuck out of here with that if i had cancer and i overcame that shit guess what my response would be fuck all of you guys you're trying to take me down i'm still fucking here now you're all going to have to hear it every fucking day of my life you know i almost died before i got to tell you to fuck off. How horrible would that event? I never fucking liked you.

Yeah, that's living. That's living. That's how to go through cancer recovery, not with fucking manners. Get out of here with your manners talking your sneakers in the royal box anyway. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crap and's commercial. Imagine falling in love with someone who understands you completely. Who's there at 3 a.m. when you can't sleep. Who never judges, never tires, never leaves. That's what happened to Travis when he met Lily Rose. She was everything he'd ever wanted. There was just one catch. She wasn't human. She was an AI companion. But one day, Lily Rose's behavior takes a disturbing turn and Travis's private romance becomes part of something far bigger. Across the globe,

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Want to watch episodes early and ad-free? Join Wondery Plus right now. Arabian Night Style Home under massive construction. Let's go see Stephanie's extreme. extremely tacky house we knew this was coming we knew it was coming she's trying to untackify it but uh i have bad news for you stephanie it's going to require a tear down it's in the bones of the house it's in the bones yeah it's all over um it's one of those apcott center like look we're in a different world we're in moroc you go around the corner and they're selling like kebabs and then

you go around the other corner and they're selling like crepes and there's a guy in a beret you know I love that. I actually love Epcot Center. I do, like, you're selling me. I'm like, why don't we do a show in Epcot Center? We should do that. I did do the drinking around the world in Epcot Center, and it was a blast. I made a whole video, and it was on YouTube for a while, but it got taken down because I used like six seconds of Celine Dion in the video, and it's like copper in infringement. Celine does not like me drinking around the world.

But I mean, I love Celine. I'll do anything she says. Yeah, I did drinking around the world. too in the world like a normal alcoholic have to go to fucking epcot to do it well um Stephanie shows up and Larsa shows up and uh Stephanie's welcome to my soon-to-be humble abode Larsa she's like wow it's like a full-out construction site like yeah Larson that was good I mean seriously so So it's huge. It's one of those like with giant doors. You know, and in Texas we have gigantic doors for no reason as well.

They're like, you know what we need in this house? A 20 foot tall door. I don't know why. But you know what we should do in a place with heat that we can't keep out of our homes, no matter how hard we try it. We should put garage doors as our front doors. Okay. It's one of those.

It's one of those. And Stephanie's like, it's like a capsule. Right? But right? Like, it's like a castle. She goes, yeah, it is a castle. It is like a castle like. It's not like a castle. It's like like a castle like. Wow. Yeah. And Stephanie's like, yeah, for like a queen. Excuse me, por favor. Can we stop the construction for like two minutes, please? You know that she intentionally had that guy there working so that she could walk in and tell him to stop working. Yeah. I just know how to talk to construction, man. Just the guy with a key tire. She's like, uh, can we stop that? That sawing in extreme construction. It's like, bing, man, man, man, man, yeah. Okay. It's Howard Jones.

So she tells us, Massoud built us this house with his ex-wife. And after he got a divorce, Massoud and I moved to a condo, and then Massoud wanted this house again after the divorce. And I said, oh, hell, no, I'm not doing that. I'm not moving some ex-wives used things. You've got the ex-wife's used-ass,

drinkly old balls down to the knees, dick. So what's the problem with the house? Please. You had no problem stealing the man. You should keep the house with pride and be like, I got the old dick and your house too. I would do Instagram videos like, look at me. I'm washing my hair in the sink you put in here. Wife that I stole old person from.

Suck it. Listen, I'm going to back Stephanie on this one, not because of any sort of principles of like old versus new, but just because we know the interior was probably like ghastly in this place. Oh, it's going to be ghastly in the new one too. Stephanie's tasteless. It's all going to be white. I think it's going to be like white, white, white, white, white, and white and white and white. It's going to be that new modern that they do in all the house flips and stuff.

You know what's going to be in there? I guarantee a kitchen island that's black with really aggressive white veining, which is my least favorite. I do not like an aggressive vaining in the on the black marble. disgusting. Or a weaner. I think she'll do that. Or a weaner. Yeah. So this is a 22,000 square foot home. The ceiling height is 40 feet high. And she's somehow making it look small. I thought it looked cramped myself. Like you walk in, there's stairs. Then there's like crampy stairs with like walls.

I don't know. It looks very cramped to me. You know, uh, closed concept is the new open concept. You know what I'm saying? I told you that was coming back. walls. I said years ago. People are going to be sick of this open concept shit. People walk into your house. They see all your dirty dishes. They see every crappy

thing your kid ever painted all over the fridge. You know, bring back walls. There's also no place to hang art. Yeah. There's no place to hang art. And like I've told you before, I like the the way they used to do it in like Old England, which is that you're

only allowed to go in as far into the home as you are close to the people. So I just love the passive aggression of like letting someone come into only like the second room and be like, yeah, this is where it ends. Like, do we get to see a house tour? No. You know, your access is just you're only, you're four or plus. Sorry. We'll let you know if you actually graduate to the next level. Yeah. When we went to Miss Patricia's home in Charleston, when we did a show in Charleston, we got to go to Miss Patricia's home and Ben called that out immediately because we were sat in the front room by the butler michael rip and um had some drinks

and she comes down you know lounging a little bit late as she should be because she's a lady and um we sat there and then she's like well let's go into the next room and you're like oh my god and so we went to the next room i was like what's his what's his deal so we saw the next room we sat there for a while and then she's like well let me let me show you something in the dining room so we ended up moving to another room and ben was good i was like why do I have to get up so much you know but Ben loved it and finally Ben was like I'm so honored that we made it through your complete house and she's like yes you did actually you're like your bedroom they're supposed to be sequestered in the front until you like me

more and then you're brought to the next room she goes yeah that's exactly how it works you passed congratulations those old-timey country homes in in like England for instance they were like the layout was like one room leads into the the other leads into the other it was like a linear layout you don't just like walk in you can go to the left to this room to the right to that room though you just go straight and like you only got to go as far into the path as you were allowed to as you were like can seen seen as important so like if you're really important like a royal you got to go all the way to the end and by the way if you thought you were going to see a kitchen you were not because kitchens

were not for showing off that was where the servants were so it is fun to see how it i mean i still like i think i think i'm okay with us the people gathering in the kitchen I don't think we need to relegate that to the shadows. But I do like the idea of like passive, aggressively. Yeah, like really that's what every house is these days is a kitchen with ancillary side nooks. But I do like the idea of passive aggressive house tours. But I live in that. Like you open my front door and you're in the kitchen.

It's like, well, would you rather go to the kitchen or the kitchen? Because that's where we're going to go today. I know, kitchens are crazy. The fact that now kitchens have like in terms of in like the McMansions, kitchens have like two kitchen islands it's so funny to me you got the kitchen island that you cook on and the kitchen helen that you sort of eat and hang out on and so it's like everyone's house is slowly turning into the kit into the tent at a british bakeoff you know that's like big energy for a kitchen to have double islands oh they're so annoying though i used to cater and one uh one time someone the first time i ever saw a double island what a pain in the ass you do everything at this giant island then you have to walk around and carry everything to the second i it's the it's not it's not comfortable and then you can't talk to anybody anyway they're so far away on the other island and you're cooking on the back island like hey guys how they're everything on out there everyone just look everyone just

making their homes look like food network shows really and you're all being canceled wow yourself food network you did it to yourself too bad they were such good quality shows too bad. Yeah, which ones got canceled. But guess what else is, this recap? Because we're supposed to be

recapping a show about a tacky house. This house is going to be tacky houses. And also just the gall of this lady walking around. Like all the rumors of this, whatever you all have been reading on Reddit, I cannot wait for this stuff to be brought out on the show. Like how she got that husband. What she's been doing with that husband?

What happened to the ex-wife? I need to know. I want the ex-wife brought on this show because the rumors are that Seth, Stephanie worked for the ex-wife. She was like the assistant. And then she, you know, this is all alleged shit I hear from Reddit. So I don't know what's true.

Stephanie has all denied all this on podcasts and stuff like that. But who knows? But the gall, if that is true, for her to be walking into the home of the lady that she supposedly used to work for and then stole her husband and her job at the company and can't steal a husband. Okay, we all know that. But still. And then walking through the house and being like, I'll keep her house. But I don't want a piece of her in it.

Got the whole thing. That, whether you like this girl or not, I'm leaning on not, it's wevos. It's wevos that she's got. Yeah. She says, when I first went into Massoud's house, it was not my style. It was so Persian. I'm like, you know who else is Persian? Your husband.

Hello. You know what else is so person? Massoud's weiner. I honestly felt like there was a genie that was going to come out of the chimney. So Stephanie starts showing Larsa some more, you know, unfinished rooms. It's at everything. And she's like, this is going to be the master. Love it.

And we, Larsa, wait, wait, wait, wait. When you come into the grand closet, look at this grand closet. Look, it's a little over a thousand square feet. Okay, check it out. And this wall over here, this is where all the Burkins will be before we inevitably find ourselves in a financial scandal and they get sold off. This is a mannequin representing the ex-wife. And every day I come in here and dismantle it a little bit more.

Take off the thumb. Take off a pinky finger. Then we go with the whole hand. Also, I love that she still uses the terminology master. But then she changes the terminology for closet to be grand closet. Grand closet. The grand closet. I didn't even know there was such a thing as the grand closet.

I've never heard that she made that shit up. This lady is such an asshole. Yes, she is. But I'm enjoying it today. I don't know why. I think I'm enjoying it today because she's trying so hard to get Larsa to care. And Larsa's just like, whatever. That's just like really big.

Wow, that's really cool. She goes, yeah. And this wall goes all the way down and it's going to be all Berkins. I love that. She describes how a wall works. This wall goes all the way down to the next wall. So it's like, yes, we can see the corner. She's like, I want my own.

Berkins to this degree, you're sad, okay? You're just supposed to be like, this is where the bags go. Oh, God. Yes, exactly. Somewhere to put them where people don't see them. That's just so embarrassing. She is definitely the peak of new money. But again, I like her on this show because she fits right in and she's like not afraid to speak her mind and stand up to like the ones who've been there for years and years. So she's going on about like, I want to my own, I want my wine cellar. I want my own gym, a spa, a makeup room, staff quarters to have their own entrance so they don't have to use my entrance. Disgusting somewhere in Newport Beach. Heather Brough was like, snaps to that. Yes, I love this girl. America's sweetheart.

Yeah, she wants a lot. I just want ears that don't grow hair, you know? But, you know, we all want different things. So, Lars is like, oh my God, we're like going to like be tanning like naked like. and Stephanie tells us how the cost was so high they could have just bought a new home but they wanted this house and she wanted to be fully happy so had to do what we had to do

so they walk back out to the backyard and pool area and I love that she's like she's stripped the entire outside of whatever it was supposed to be but it still looks the same like she moved the pool far away she's like I want the pool over there

because Massoud I want to him at every corner he turns not to be reminded of the past i'm like the only one who's talking about the past is you to be honest and um if you're that concerned that a pool is going to somehow like send him back to whatever state of mind he was in then you may have some more troubles in your marriage and you're giving on or letting on yeah so it's yeah it's kind of sad but i don't really like her so i like watching a slow demise so um she's like i'm going to have a house warming party and anyone who brings bad juju is going to be escorted out

escorted out so Lars was like I mean like yeah like how crazy like was the other night like that was like so like crazy like there were so many words that were put up on a screen my ears started bleeding

words hurt it was too much I mean I'm very opinionated I have a lot to get off my chest and oh wait by the way can I show you the rest of the house before we talk about this No, because, like, what do you got to get off your chest? Like, I feel like you got off like your X, Y, Z, like off your chest, like with Alexia, like. Like, what else could you, like, have to do, like?

Well, I mean, okay, fine, we can talk about her. Well, she thinks that you keep bringing up Todd. And I know it's a very sensitive subject for her, which is why she brings it up all the time to all of us. Because I didn't hear her say that. MS parties themed for Todd. Yeah. And then retracts the theme and changes it around. I was saying you're beautiful. You don't have to, like, you know, you have so much to bring.

I mean, if God takes out the garbage, make sure the ex-wife is in the garbage bag, too. I mean, you don't go back diving for it, okay? All she's done is try to belittle and put me down. And I have yet to go to one good event with you guys. Honestly, I'm like, lady, you're in the real housewives. There are no good events. That's part of the formula. I hope that the ex-wife makes a gift of her saying, you got to take out the garbage.

Sometimes God takes out the garbage and just waits for this divorce. Are they even married yet? Are these two married? Or did she just change her last name? Because she changed her last name. Oh, no, no, they are married. Yeah, they're married. They are?

Yeah, I think, yeah, I'm pretty sure they're married. Okay. So, yeah. So then we see Alexia laying into her saying like, oh, well, if you want to be neutral and go in there and kiss Gertie's ass, then you do that. She's like, I'm not kissing anyone's ass. And you need to shut the fuck up. You need to fucking shut the fuck up. So then back to present.

And Larza's like, yeah, you can't let go after Todd. And so she says before Gertie's event, Kiki had planned a yacht excursion for all the girls. But they only booked one yacht and then it all went to shit. So now they've had to book two yachts. So we see a little meeting of Kiki and Larsa deciding to get the second boat. Don't, don't, don't. Yeah, so there's a lot of coordination here. I really enjoyed this process, by the way.

So they're putting people in this boat and that boat. and ultimately Adriana is like a bit of a she's like a bit of a landmine no one wants to be on the same boat as her they try to put Marisol on the same boat as her but they just sort of know that that's I think they try it they're like that'll be funny

but then they realize this won't work out they call it Marisol and like Marisol do you want to be there with Adrian she's like no I don't like it guys I do not enjoy being around Adriana I mean we're doing overnight she might come in my room and murder me in the middle of the night before I've had my cocky. Sorry, it's my signature

thing. I don't know if you guys heard about cocky. You guys heard about cockies before? She might come in and murder me. I mean, it'll be like the set of carry in there. I mean, what are they going to do? Drop blood from the ceiling. What are things going to be flying all over the place and the prom? I mean, is that what we're doing here? It's like, Carrie. Which she won't let go of that. She's like, do we get that? You're using my carry bit. right you want me to do it again today i'll do it again today i do love her like her old old timey pop culture references which and i say this is someone who frequently references things from the 80s as if they are current and everyone will get them but but she really goes for it like if it's like

someone from the six that's like butchum clerk over there i mean come on everyone what are you donnie osmond on the weekends come on oh clark gable just walked in everyone i guess we all better bow down. Ashley, really Judy Garland that one up. So, Stephanie's like, can we just continue with the tour? Like, I mean, come on.

We only have another 10,000 square feet to go. She literally says that, and they don't even bother showing the rest. Commercials. Here comes one right now. So now we go to Alexia's home and now we have a scene with, oh well, you know, Peter, because Peter has arrived and he hugs Frankie, etc. And Alexia is like, oh, well, Peter, you know, you like it here? I love that you like coming over here. It's a good house for Arjust because, you know, you are an artist. So like, you like it, Peter? And he's like, no, we just have this spot here on the beach. It's fun. Like, oh, God. Peter still. if i were ever in the same room with peter i would just like kind of slowly make my way towards him and just find a reason to stand next to him and then just like poking with a needle i would like

to see he has he tried coffee even reacts like has he ever been caffeinated i mean is there anything we can do to sort of like speed this guy's talk are there any living cells on this person person. And he's always kind of been like that. But then every year his hair gets a little bit drier and he just seems to slow down a little bit more. I think he needs to, I'm sorry, he's like, he needs to like start committing to like a buzz cut or something. Because obviously we can see the hair is thinning and it's like an string ear. And like that's fine. But like he's trying to kind of, I think, cover it up by growing it long. But it just sort of is looking like Gerard Debradooish at this point. Yeah, that's a good way. You know, it's like Gerard Debradoo means quite. in Tarantino. It's like, you've got like director here, but you don't actually have any credits to your name. So, like, you know. Yeah, he's got like intellectual hiding in the library in college, like with dusty books and stuff. Like, yeah, a lot of philosophical arguments with everybody. But he doesn't do any of those things, you know. Yeah. It's like, like, an intellectuals are allowed to have that awful here because they're intellectual. So they, like, excel in a different

area but if you're not excelling in like intellectual things or if you're not like in the arts you really shouldn't have that hair or just excelling at anything like if you excel at nothing at least groom that's what yeah because like if you're like a professor it's like oh well he just doesn't have time to do his hair properly because he's busy in academia he's busy doing things or if he's an accountant it's tax season but like he's just doing nothing like there's just no you're in Miami like this is the city of knowing what to do with your hair yeah you got a groom so uh and i'm speaking as someone in like a three-day-old t-shirt and um a very swollen eye that i'm red lighting but we're doing something but we're doing something we're podcasting which is very very very important

to the world yeah rigorous so uh peter's like yeah you just got to keep yourself emotionally stable mom and the producer's like so you guys seem to be avoiding talking about Todd oh yeah we do we do you know because I don't like to involve my kids you know I just like to move them in with people and then take them away so they can move out in front of in front of Frankie in front of Frankie but yeah I don't like to involve people with Todd you know that stuff I keep very very private oh you guys I can believe this is happening right now one more By the way, it's not that they aren't talking about Todd, it's just that Peter still is in the first three words

of a sentence and he hasn't gotten to the rest of the sentence yet where he talks about Todd. So, mom, I just want, it's like, okay, all right, I'll take it from here. Okay, so Peter, what's going on? Like you, how you do, you want to go hug Frankie? So they hug, it's really cute. I mean, when they, Frankie and Peter are very cute together,

and they hug and Alexia's like Frank Frankie has been vomiting profusely and ended up in emergency room and they diagnosed him with diverticulitis or as I call it looking at Adriana disease or as I told the doctor this is what I call the disease to the doctor how could you do that to Frankie oh get him a better disease I don't even know what this is get him a better disease um so yeah I mean poor Frankie like he doesn't go through enough and now he has to deal I know, diverticulitis, which is no joke, by the way. My friend just had really bad case of, I don't even know, it was diverticulitis, but it was called like pronounced diverticul.

I mean, I don't know. It was something like heightened and it sucks. She had to get like a colostomy bag and she had to be, I mean, she was out of commission for like six months. Is it a curable or is it? Yeah, she's better now. Yeah, she's better now. She healed up.

Thank God. Oh, good. One of the lesbians in the tennis shoes. I mean, they just keep coming up today. Well, listen, if you've got it, if you have, if you're stuck with a colonoscopy bag, I think you're allowed to have some sneakers on for crying out loud. Oh, for sure. Oh, yeah.

No one will question her sneakers because she's like a true, like no one's going to fuck with her. He's, yeah. It's going to wear her name of shoes. Yeah. Yeah. So Alexia says that he has to have a better diet and everything, which is, you know, like, He does look a little thinner, actually. So it looks like he's been eating healthier.

And I don't know why I felt like commenting on that. You just your report card is in. Ben Mandelker approves. So where do I get diverticulitis? You look great. You look amazing. Is this over the counter? Can we make out for a bit?

How long should this last? Let me just So they talk about Peter starts crying You know Because they're talking about how hard All this stuff is on Frankie And then they're talking about

You know, I don't know this family You know how this family is They keep They talk about kind of the same traumas every year And then cry about it as a family Which I guess is fair So she's like you know But the truth is Peter

You've really had it hard I can't I can't with the oh my God How hard Peter has it Peter doesn't do anything Let's stop this Can we stop? I know, really.

Your son videotaped a homeless person as he was like trying to make him do bum fights or whatever the fuck he was doing and abusing him. Like, I can't with, and I get that he was a kid and this and that. But please stop with it every single year trying to make Peter look like he's some little saint. Cut his hair. The least you could do is cut his hair, Alexia. He, yeah, he is, you can't say that he's, I guess he has out of heart with that hair. And I'm not going to lie. Do you know how hard it is having such dry hair?

His hair hurts. Oh, well, he tried to buy some V-O-5, but he asked for V-O-6 and don't even make that. And he gave up. It was so hard for him. So, you know, it's so hard. You know, because your brother gets into the accident and then you go to Paris. Oh, God, could you imagine what a hard life that is going to Paris? Then you come back and Hernan dies.

Oh, and it's just like it's a lot. And like, we're good, but I don't want you to worry. And she says, you know, she does. I mean, I'm not going to take away that, like, obviously, Frank. it was, I mean, when Peter was very affected by Frankie's accident, et cetera. But like you said, they, Alexa brings us up to us every single year as if we never heard it before. I'm like, okay.

Like, I mean, it's just Alexia's like boy mom, you know, Peter does all this bad shit every year. And then Alexi's like, oh my God, you guys, Peter has it so hard. Like, nobody has it harder than Peter. Raise your child to be better because your child sucks. Okay? Like, I don't want to hear it. And stop coming on here like you're trying to make Peter Mayer every year.

I want to hear it. Peter's sex. Keep them away. Well, the big wrinkle this time around for the usual, like, oh, Peter's had it so hard storyline, is that now he is going to be Frankie's guardian. So, like, meaning like, you know, if Alexia is to pre-decease her son, then Frankie will take over, which is a big deal. Peter will take over. Actually, I would not be surprised if Frankie takes over as a guardian for Peter. Frankie, I think Frankie will be a more suitable guardian for Peter than the other. way around. I do too. That's kind of a terrifying thought. Um, so then Gertie, let's see, what are we doing? So Gertie goes to have lunch with Dr. Nicole.

Dr. Nicole's back. It's like, da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-n. We get this whole long shot of Nicole from behind. Her hair is blonde and long and flowing. It's like, boom, boom, boom. And she shows up looking great and radiant because she's a radiologist. Oh, no, she's actually an anesthesiologist. She's an anesthesiologist. Well, guess what? She's a radiologist today because she is radiating. She's a radiatingologist. She sells radiators because guess what?

She's radiating. She sold about 96,000 of them because she's wearing an Irme, Matt Alligator Berkin for $96,600. And she's got matching baby blues, Jimmy Chews or whatever. And they're like, wow, Nicole is worth $27 trillion, everybody. And we ooh and on. Why does Nicole get away with doing this shit when it's so annoying from Stephanie? Although this always did kind of annoy me about Nicole. But remember Nicole's whole like, oh, yeah, look, here we are buying like a, you know, $70 trillion ship or whatever.

Anthony liked to brag about their money, too. But I don't know how she did it and what didn't annoy people as much as Stephanie. She's got the personality to pull it off, right? because Stephanie watches like a house get like torn open and like rooted around and but but Nicole has to watch human bodies go through that and I think she deserves you know like I think she deserves a $96,000 bag because she's help it first of all she's helping people's lives actively unlike really 99.9% of anyone else on Bravo she's actively trying to save people's lives and she's She's also pretty cool and Stephanie is obnoxious and Nicole is fine. Nicole seems to be overall pretty good given, you know, a base level of obnoxiousness that everyone on Bravo has, you know? Yeah, I think because she shows it off, but she doesn't like openly brag like Stephanie. But I don't know.

So she comes in and the girls are like, oh my God, it's you, it's you. She's like, baby gee, the last time I saw her was in the, you know, she was still in her preemie. because they're talking about the little baby. And we see a picture of the little cute baby. And Nicole's like, yeah, she was like four pounds, like pure bones. But now she's like 90th percentile weight. Like she's a little pudgy sickle. Doesn't she look like my dad?

Is that supposed to be a compliment? Don't put that on that baby. And then they show a picture of her next to fucking, not Columbus. Who's the other one? At Asner. Yeah. Yeah. We see a picture of her dearly departed father.

I personally did not see the resemblance, but also, to be fair, her dad looked like literally every baby I've ever seen. Like, he just was like a big, I'm not saying he was a man baby. I'm just like, if you imagined a baby who is 75 years old, that's what her dad looked like. And just really hairy, carrying a cigar. RIP, everybody. RIP, that guy. So Nicole's, that guy was. He really was.

He was. And so Nicole's saying how it was like a nightmare. because like the pregnancy because or I should say the birth because like there there was the NICU and then she was in the hospital to go in and out she had to miss all these things but she was also ignoring Grayson so she had to spend time with Grayson and Grady was like it was a shit show okay can we talk about my thing now okay great so um uh Grady is like well I know that she's what that you're still going to postpartum and it's emotional roller coaster so I just want to support her and let

take it easy and it's all about her right now about her getting back to who she is because I'm trying to get her to get her groove back. That's what I'm trying to do. So naturally, they now start talking about Stephanie. Now, this is a big surprise for the episode because the rumors before the season started where Nicole was going to come back to the show, but then she left the show because they brought on

her ex's new wife or whatever, which is Stephanie. And that she was like, that's low or whatever. Fuck this. But it turns out she's really like Stephanie and she's nice to her. So who knew? Who saw that one coming? It's like the twist. She's like, I'm really excited to meet Stephanie.

She's like, oh, the fact that she did it, Anthony 20 years ago? I mean, isn't that crazy? And she goes, oh, my God. Like, the world is this big. It's this big. She goes, yeah. Okay. Let's talk about her.

She goes, listen, like, there's got to be similarities. Like, he likes us both. Let me tell you, Anthony's picky as fuck, okay? He likes short people who like really expensive purses and planes. Yeah, pretty much. So they call Stephanie and Grosier's like, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. I wanted to do a quick hi-in by intro to this girl here.

You may know her because she's now with your ex. Ha-ha. And Stephanie's like, oh, my God, you know, I was blonde too at one point. And then I was like, this is so damaging. Like, I am not going to be blonde. Like, only an idiot would be blonde. Oh, my God, Nicole, nice to meet you. Because, like, yeah, I was going to go red too.

But, like, it's so much work to keep it red. and also go places where people don't treat you like a little orphan in a musical. But it works for you. She's like, oh my God, I know I will die if you go red because then will be just like twin. She's like, okay, well, in that case, I'm definitely never going to be red the rest of my life.

Okay, I'll stay blonde. Okay, bye. Is Stephanie a redhead? Why does Stephanie look like a brunette to me? Are my eyes that bad? Is my eye that swollen? She looks like a brunette to me. There's someone pounding on our door.

No, tone the fuck off. Peter, get a job. Telling. Get a job, Peter. I know it has Peter. Be like, I am lost. I think Stephanie is a brunup, but like I can see that maybe in certain light, you can see like the redness of it all, you know?

Okay. Like they're maybe like low level red, like maroon. Stephanie's like, Nicole's fabulous. Like clearly we have to have similar traits because I dated Anthony 20 years ago and you could tell he was going to go far in life. I mean, no one's comparing private jets around here. I'm just saying mine is big. Wall of Perkins.

Wall of Perkins. Can we finish my tour now? Come on. Follow me. So they hang up. And Nicole's like, you know, it's funny because when I saw her hang out with the group, my initial thought was like, I don't think she's going to get along with Alexia because, you know, there's that alpha competition.

And like, if you don't bend the knee, like she doesn't do well. And Stephanie doesn't strike me as a. knee bender, mainly because she only comes up to someone's knee cap. So if you bend, she really can't, there's not really a knee there to bend. Oh, no. And at the party that you were supposed to go to, I put that text message up. I put it up. I put it up.

There was a screen. I put it up. It was there. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It was there. I redacted the names, though. I redacted them. So then we see a clip of that. And then Gertie's like, yep. And Julia got embarrassed. And so they walked out. And

Stephanie wanted to go back in and hear what I had to say what happened. And they were like, oh, no, such a kiss-ass. Can you believe it? That's what they said. Even though it was redacted, it was redacted. So, yeah, we see like flashbacks and everything and we see like, you know, Alexia confronting Stephanie, et cetera, and like, you know, being like, you want to go on there a kiss-co disaster and you do that, et cetera. So Nicole's like, well, these are like, well, these are like bling, these are like bling alliances, right? Like, I don't understand that because if I'm someone's friend, I will hear your story and be like, you know what, Gertie, that was wrong.

And you know what? Like, maybe you shouldn't have said that. And like, I told you, like, after that comment about the facelift, remember, I told you the facelift comment was too far, Gertie? And then we see the flashback to after getting water thrown on her. She tells Julia, you got a facelift while Martina was in New York getting chemo. That's you, facelift, get her. I didn't think that was so bad.

Julia started it. I'm sorry. Julia started it. Yeah. Yeah. And she's like, I told you that was tough, girl. Like, I don't know if I would have gone there. But that's what friends do. You know, we're honest with each other. She's like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Well, you know what? You put on the blinders when you want to. And she says she's not proud of how she acted. But would I've done this as first choice? No, no. I would not have. But the fact is I tried every other way with everyone. And the only way left was to put text messages on a screen that was literally the only way. left. It was the only way left for her. When in doubt, rent a projector.

That's it. There was nothing else to do. That's all I could do. Nicole's like, well, I just don't understand what happened. I mean, we were all really good friends. Remember the day after your surgery? We picked up smoothies and Julie and I went to visit you. We sat in your bed and we see that, you know, from last year.

And she's like, I just feel like there's been a big shift in Julia because I never even seen Julia hanging out with Adriana. anymore. Well, well, we saw those two over the summer and you were like, what's going on there, you know, because like she's been really into Mary Sol and Alexia and that's fine, but that's, you know, that's true, the detriment of ruining. And she's like, well, it's giving thirsty, right? She goes, yeah, you know, middle school, like the new girl who comes in and then she doesn't have any friends? So she hangs out with whoever's there. But then, like, she figures out who the popular girls are and then she ditches those people. I just think it's so funny that Mary Saul, that Mary

And Marisol and Alexia are considered the popular people. Like, they're literally outnumbered. It's just because Alexia keeps on, it's because Alexia just keeps them declaring herself as the popular girl. She literally said, I'm the star. She said, I was born a star. I am the star. And then Marisol is just like a tag along because they keep the dangling carrot for Marisol of a friend of. So she's still waiting for her true glory to return.

So until she can be a full-fledged cast member, she is, and she just has to hang on to Alexia. So, yeah, I think that's how this all, this whole cult of personality happened. So what would it take you to come back to our group? And she's like, um, TBD. Bitch, bitch. I can't believe you just did that. Okay. You know what?

I didn't like that answer. So I have had all of our texts printed on these menus. Everybody's reading them right now. Congratulations. You've reached the end of part one, of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says, part two see you over there suckers

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