Watch What Crappens - #299: Austin Catty Limits (Special Guest Anna David)

Episode Date: June 8, 2016

It was the bag of poop that LeeAnne thought she'd never smell again, but little did she know there's nothing the "Real Housewives of Dallas" like to discuss more than poop: who did it, when, and in what bag? And so begins a bizarre series of accusations, denials, and tempers that climax with LeeAnne threatening to kill Marie over a scatological rumor that makes Brandi's poop hat look demure. Joining us to break down this very important issue is Anna David ("You've Got Issues with Anna David" podcast). Plus, we go deep into "Southern Charm" and "Shahs of Sunset." 00:00:00 - Intro 00:09:39 - Crappens Mailbag 00:27:25 - Real Housewives of Dallas 01:26:19 - Southern Charm 02:00:17 - Shahs of Sunset Subscribe at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins. That's texture.com slash crappins, texture.com slash crappins. Watch what crappins, watch what crappins.

Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappins? Crappins, crappins. Crappins, crappins. Watch what crappins, watch what crappins. Today's show is brought to you by our Patreon Premium Sponsors, Cassie Bogalski and Christy What Happens? And just so lovely, Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com. Hi, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Good. I'm looking right into your eyes as we speak. I know. It's so weird. It's an in-person podcast.

We're actually back at our home away from home at the improv. Is it the lab at the improv? We're just at the improv, the Hollywood improv, world famous. Where Shaz took place last night. Could you turn me down a little? I hate listening to my voice. I can't even listen to myself on a greeting. I'm just going to take it. Ronnie has so much more shame than Reza ever did in this fine establishment.

I'm gay voice shaming myself. So one of the reasons why we are here today at the Improv is because we have an extraordinarily special guest. Not only are we still basking in the glow of her birthday yesterday, we're basking in the glow of her general beauty. This is New York Times bestselling author, CEO of the After Party Group, and host, producer, creator, everything, voice of the brand new podcast, You've Got Issues with Anna David. It's Anna David. Yay! You're Anna David's Anna David. Yay! You're Anna David!

Anna David, yay! Welcome back to the podcast. Oh my God, it's so good to be here. Welcome home, Anna. Thank you, home. We did it like three years ago, and I was at home, so this is our first time seeing each other face to face. Although Ben and I go way back.

We go- A thousand and one years. Super way back. We started out as, as well i started out my talking head career uh in your presence i i saw it blossom i saw it bloom we were um commentators on uh the fox reality channels uh now defunct reality remix roundtable short-lived short box reality network we were i mean let's not let be honest, the stars of the network. We were. That says nothing.

We were pretty much the faces, the faces of Fox reality. We were actually judges at the very first ever Fox really awards. We were? I think they didn't ask me. They, they had like a, an award show for reality stars and they just asked the three of us to be, we decided all the, all the winners in all the categories. i think that they didn't ask me because that rings no bell i remember the party yeah but i i don't remember voting well that was that was an amazing gig because basically we would the two of us would show up and then we'd be paired with some random reality star like like someone who was eliminated third on i love new york you know right and then like but great comedians like jimmy pardo oh yeah jimmy pardo they were really amazing and then joe joe adelia

we love joe adelian who i don't even know what where he's at now somewhere amazing he's a really prominent tv writer michael schneider he like also an extremely prominent we're just bragging about like all the people we talked with i mean if you can do a reality award show and walk away with pride like this i'm like proud of the both of you hey who hosts a reality tv podcast that's right you know exactly and you're proud of us um but i will say and then and then i did a book on reality tv yes essays by many luminaries including ben but who wrote about um what's that called? Big Brother. Big Brother.

What's that called? Jesus. Well, thanks for coming on. Thank you. Thank you. Sorry. She's gone. Sorry.

She will shut up. But I will say also, you've got Issues, which premieres this week with an episode starring Ben, where we talk about the pettiest issues that plague people. Yeah. And I think if anyone who's listened to the past 299 episodes of this show would know that I'm good for having a few petty issues. Yes. Just listen to our bonus episode this week where I complained about people at the Little Mermaid.

So anyway, we have people here in the audience who are nodding with agreement so uh let's do some housekeeping here okay so uh this is actually this is our 299th episode of watch what crap ends that shit is crazy it's crazy our 300th episode is going to be on thursday and uh to celebrate that thursday night we're having a party at revolver bar in west hollywood and i hope you are able to come not invited but well it was like it was like a sloppy facebook because i think you were because i think you actually were okay all invite but it was but it was also to be fair it's like a sloppy facebook invite and on top of that it's a facebook invite so it doesn't even count yeah and on top of it it's shannon bedore it's

the cover picture which i don't think that says party to anybody. Yeah, should I change that cover picture? No, I'm just kidding. It's like her winning the symbol. It's her winning at Funko. So anyway, it's... The day that Vicky's mom died. Great.

It's her memory band. I shouldn't admit that I don't know who that is, or I lost my credibility. You don't know who I am? You don't know? Who is the guest? Are you in my chair? Are you in my chair right now? She is on Real Housewives of Orange County. I'm so sorry. Can I go to the? Are you in my chair? Are you in my chair right now? She is on Real Housewives of Orange County.

I'm so sorry. Can I go to the bathroom without someone stealing my chair? Is that too much to ask, Anna? I'm high on cupcakes. You really actually should get involved in Real Housewives of Orange County because it's amazing, especially Shannon Bedore's seasons. So anyway, so the party is going to be at Revolver in West Hollywood, 8 p.m. on Thursday night. We hope everyone in this room is invited and everyone out there listening to this is invited. We hope everyone just comes.

We're just going to go and drink. It's not open bar because we are cheap, but we're going to aspire maybe with... Four people marriage. Maybe our 500th episode will be open bar, but for right now, it's just open hearts. We do have strippers there, though. There's going to be lots of really waxed people with zits on their back and their thongs.

So bring some dollars. Are any reality stars coming? I hope. We're hoping that Brandon and Craig from Newlyweds come and whoever else. I don't know. We don't really have a lot of reality star connections, but we're going to. Sacrilege. I know.

Well, it's kind of an awkward meeting, isn't it? We're like, well, we called DTC word about five times this week. Want to have lunch? Just get non-Bravo people. Oh, that's true. Well, I think I've tweeted to some people but you know it's sometimes you know i think if we had the open bar i think we'd be having a different story i can ask the massage guy from the whole foods otherwise i don't really know anybody i don't leave my house should i text tom sandoval from banner pump rules he gave me his number that night but i never texted him um he'll be like, what? I don't get it.

So that's happening. Come to watchwhathappens.com to find all our social media links, like Twitter and Instagram or whatever. Anna, do you have a Twitter that you want to throw in here? I do. Same for Instagram. Anna B.

Also, I wanted to say I started a new podcast with Stephanie Wilder-Taylor. You did. I love her. Called Rose Bricks, and it's a Bachelorette podcast. We've done two, and we're doing two more tomorrow, and it's so funny. So go look for it. It's on Trash Talk TV.

Yeah. So do it. She is great. Ronnie's great. And then- Do you watch that one? Which? Do you watch The Bachelorette?

Can you believe I don't? I can. You're like a very intelligent person. I mean, no offense to anybody who's watching it. I did a book on reality TV. I just OD'd a little bit. And then now you've gotten me back with what we have to talk about today. And it's all downhill.

You're welcome. You're welcome. So also, facebook.com forward slash watch for crap ends. The Facebook page is hilarious and amazing. Like, if you just come and like it. Every week we week we talk about how good it is but for real come there's a lot of great content on there and then patreon.com forward slash watch for crappins is where you can support us and you get access to things like a bonus episode every week this bonus episode this week was almost 90 minutes it's like that's like a podcast episode because we did it on a different

day yeah and we talked about uh i i talked about my experiences seeing The Little Mermaid live and the chaos that was behind me. And then Ronnie talked about the affair. And got it totally wrong. By the way, everybody, I know it's wrong, okay? I have to give all these plot points and they're like, you idiot, that's not what happened. You have to keep watching this show but most importantly we also like recapped uh the latest episode of food network star and really went to town on that in the food network which was fun so i think we can take a deep breath now um because we have gotten through all the housekeeping do you feel very mpre right

now i feel so mpre because you can hear yourself on those effing phones i had to take them off because i was talking like this. I can't do that. I like hearing what my voice sounds like. You do. I like it. It makes me feel like I'm Fantasia on stage. Fantasia.

I believe I can fly. No, wait. What was hers? What was Fant? That was that guy who pees on little girls who sing that. What was hers? I believe it's happening to me. NID, guys.

Yeah. Fantasia for life. It's happening to me Can I do you guys? Yeah So For life Why don't we Before we get into our shows Which will be Dallas Real Housewives of Dallas Southern Charm And Shaz the Sunset

Why don't we open up The good old Krappens mailbag Do it So So, all right. We still have so many questions from last week. If I start asking something we've already done before, just say something. But Randy Guerrero says,

How much are you guys loving Ramona this season on Real Hustlers of New York? Can you all talk about the evolution of Ramona? Is it just me or did anyone else see her come full circle this episode as she was directing Lu Man on What to Text and all around just trying to extinguish fires last night and being the voice of reason? Oh, and she's back to her season one hairdo. But you can never go back to your season one boobs. Am I right, guys?

Remember that. Remember that. Yeah. Just talk right, guys? Remember that. Remember that at your next implant. Yeah, just talk to Tamara Barney about that. I mean, I'm loving Ramona just as much as any season. She's like exactly the same. Bravo was airing season one of Real Housewives of New York over the weekend. And Ramona is exactly the same. She's just as nutty.

She really is. She does not evolve. She evolves like the monkeys in the zoo. Like we're all supposed to come from monkeys, but still monkeys like why didn't they evolve they're all the dumb ones that's ramona she's still throwing shit at people in some enclosed area in san diego i think that ramona's just like contextual you know like in the right context she looks amazing in the wrong context she's like a crazy woman and this season when everyone is going bonkers and bethany's yelling at luann and dorinda is screaming at the top of her lungs about making things nice i think it's clear that ramona

is like the voice of reason all of a sudden so she hasn't changed but she gets new apps every time they come out because i'm still looking at her snapchat and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me the other day and she has this i guess this girl who follows her around and takes them because they all have these teenage interns you know i mean not that i'm hating i would love one any teenagers call me i have some filing but anyway she follows her around and the other day she was outside on the golf course and she's like look you guys like here i am outside and she had this big hat and like all this stuff she's like this is what you gotta do you gotta cover up that's why my skin looks so good for my age okay i gotta like cover it up okay i told you that who's coming up to's why my skin looks so good for my age. Okay? I've got to, like, cover it up.

Okay? First of all, who told you that? Who's coming up to you like, your skin looks really good for your age? I mean, it's not that it doesn't, but. But she has a skincare line, right? Doesn't she? Or she did back when I watched. Yeah. I think she had her second hat as skincare.

It was, like, one of those, like, season-long entrepreneurial arcs, you know? But she, I thought when you said that she always has a new app, like you meant like there's a new appetizer that she's really into. Like this year, I'm really into mozzarella sticks. Yeah. They're like mozzarella, but shaped into sticks and deep fried. I love them. Can I have these mozzarella picks?

What? Oh, that's the wrong word. I'm so crazy with words. Like it's crazy. It's like a cheese. Hey, have you had this thing called jalapeno poppers? It's jalapenos, but they put cream cheese in it, but I don't know what they're called poppers. I thought they'd be poppy seeds. Why don't they have

poppy seeds in them? Okay, I'm sorry. It's day class A. I'm sorry. It's like the Fourth of July all the time. Like, I'm not eating a firework. Okay? Why do they call these chicken wings? These are obviously chicken legs, and they're not even from Buffalo. I don't get it. Okay? I would like to send this back to the kitchen. Okay?'t just do this that aoe okay okay why don't

chickens fly think about that it's like her next snapchat and she still can't figure out like how the drawing thing works i think she keeps hitting the pen on accident to be fair i can't figure it out either it'll just be her face like too close up and up. And she's like, dating is hard, you guys. But then she's, like, trying to click it. And you just see all her finger marks all over it. She's, like, swiping left on her. She's drawing lines on her thing. She's trying to like her own post. She just keeps, like, double tapping it.

It's little dots. I think my phone is broken. It keeps turning yellow. So then DeLazardee says, love you you guys i stumbled upon your podcast at the mall last year when trying to make sense of kim richard's craziness and was like ah thank you your humor and assessment of the situation was on the mark and so refreshing but after listening to you guys for a year i have to tell you oh wait we i think we did this one i feel like we did but i can't remember we just wanted to be complimented again.

It took you that long to realize you'd already read it. I can't remember shit. I can't remember shit. We've done like 20 minute things before where we didn't remember that we already did it. Okay, here's one from Karen Zarowitz, K-Zar, who's from Texas. She says, Real Housewives of Dallas gave us the nadir of the reality dinner party. Frozen corn dogs, canned chili,

and Fritos right out of the bag. Goth County Fair? What theme would you use for your housewives party? What's the menu? It has to be better than that, although I do love a good Frito pie.

Have you ever had a Frito pie? I've never had a Frito pie. Have you? You're from Texas. Okay, yeah. No, of course. I'd never heard of it until that episode.

Oh, really? You've never had one either? I thought you were like, that's crazy. You haven't had a Fr, yeah. No, of course. I'd never heard of it until that episode. Oh, really? You've never had one either? I thought you were like, that's crazy. You haven't had a Frito Pie. Don't get me wrong. I'd love to have one. Jelly and Fritos and cheese. That's not really hard.

Is there such a thing as a Cheeto Pie? I would have a Cheeto Pie, perhaps. I feel like I would have known if there was. Is there just like a potato chip pie? A barbecue chip pie? Well, if you watch Food Network Star. There's clam shells there's like clams with potato chips on them there's cookies made out of potato chips like they'll serve you lobster with potato oysters in the half shell with potato chips

on there who brags about being a lunch lady he's like yep's right. I'm your lunch lady. I'm like, why? He's getting hungry right now. No one. So what theme would my housewives party be? Depends on the city, right? Like what city? First pick a city and then pick a theme because you have to pick different themes for different cities. That's true. Okay.

How about real? Is it a real city or is it one that is like a city that's already a real housewives or is it like a new housewives? I feel like I would do like real housewives in New York. And my theme would, I don't know what my theme would be. My, my theme would be joy Bayhar. And basically people would walk and be like,

so what? Who cares? All right. It's a party. Okay, fine. So what? Okay.

I get it. All right. Fine. All right. Where are the apps? Okay. And there are no apps and people would just be a part of people looking for the apps. All right. Okay. You have no apps. All right. That's fine. I don't have apps. I'm not angry anyway right, fine. All right. Where are the apps? Okay. And there are no apps. It would just be a part of people looking for the apps.

All right, okay. You have no apps? All right, that's fine. I don't have to have apps. I'm not angry anyway. I'm going to Cipriani's. Actually, no. The theme is Cipriani's afterwards, where you go up and the entire time you talk about

going to Cipriani's afterwards. I can't stay long. I'm going to Cipriani's afterwards. That's the theme. I would do it for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills because I ain't catering that shit, and those bitches don't eat it anyway. You could just put out bowls of plastic fruit. No one's going to touch it.

And my theme would be pin the tail on Lisa Vanderpump. No, I think it should be like a charity thing. A charity thing? Yeah, I would do a charity for the people from Vanderpump Rules. Like, I don't know, really pick a charity. I'm sure they'll fit into anyone.

Yeah, it's the tip jar of charity. Yeah. Do you have Anna? It's a waiter methodics charity. Do you have a theme party in mind that you do? Oh, pressure. Just because I was like, oh, how are these guys thinking of them? I do feel like I would do a New York one with like a combination of all the products that they've shilled and books and records.

And like you have to sort of show up as like in honor of another housewife. Like a white elephant kind of sort of situation. That would be so good. Pass around and you'll see what the shittiest product is. That would actually be great if it's like a white elephant party with all their own products. Because then when you open up your present and you have the option to keep it or move it or pass it along, it's more than just passing along. It's making a commentary about your friend's product. It's like, oh, a toaster oven. I think I'm going to pass this.

No, I'll keep it. I'll keep it. Is it a party that we'm going to pass this. No, I'll keep it. I'll keep it. Is it a party that we're going to? Or that we're catering it for the house? Okay. Are we caterers? Oh, God. Here we go again.

I was thinking that it's for other people. You demoted us in our fantasies. Every time I quit catering, they pull me right back in. I think we would be the hosts. In mine, I was hosting catering. They pull me right back in. I think we would be the hosts. I think in mine, I was hosting a party. You were hosting a party for just the housewives and no one else. Yeah. Well, there could be some friends of, but they don't get a credit on screen. Well, I mean, in New York, they'll bring their fat boyfriends.

Like, they all have eater boyfriends. Those guys will all come. Eric Stonestreet will come. John. Back when I stopped. Basically the two of them. It's a bigger party. When I stopped watching

Leanne was still the countess And She's still the countess Well but You know married to the count And Ramona and Mario Were renewing their routes For like the fifth time

Oh Anna So here's the thing Anna There's like We need to actually do Like a crash course with you Yeah Like we need Like these are the things

You need to watch You need to watch All the rest of the real houses In New York City because it's just mandatory viewing. Yeah, that's killing it. And Beverly Hills, I was really into it and I stopped. Yeah.

Beverly Hills, you have to watch, you don't have to really watch this past season, but the season before, Lisa Rinna's first season was a really good one. Orange County, you have to watch both Shannon Bedore seasons. And I think that's, and then everything of Vanderpump Rules. That's so good. Yeah, okay. All of Vanderpump Rules that's so good yeah okay all of Vanderpump Rules I thought you said

Band of Brothers I was like what Band of Brothers wrong which is sort of like all the Real Housewives shows a lot of fronts and a lot of fighting

a lot of scarred faces yeah okay so let's do one more I didn't watch Band of Brothers I'm just assuming oh so

speaking of which Michael Michael Horn says, So Ramona has been saying on Snapchat recently that she wants to be the next Bachelorette. LOL. He goes, I'll just let y'all take it from there. The next Bachelorette. Okay. I have one rose. Who gives one rose? who delivered this what an

idiot like it doesn't even have a stem on it like who wants a rose without a stem i don't even know what this is who are you like who is this guy like look she just never shut up thank god that shows two hours well she would get she would get mad at um at mark wall mark what's his name mark walberg that would be awesome if it was Ramona and Mark Wahlberg. What's the host of The Bachelor's name again? Chris Harrison. I think Mark Wahlberg, the game show host.

Not Marky Mark, but there's Mark Wahlberg at game shows. Is that allowed? Are you allowed to do that? There's a Jennifer Lopez publicist that I know. Really? Yeah. I would so immediately get butt implants if my name was Jennifer Lopez. Like,

everybody's going to look at your butt. Her last name is actually publicist, Jennifer Lopez publicist. But, no Polish family name. I can just imagine Ramona

complaining to Chris Harrison, like, you know, this rose is a thorn, it just pricked me. Why do you even give it to me? This is crazy. This is rude.

You know what? You know what? Give me a tulip. Why do you have roses all the time? This is crazy. You know what? I'm sorry? You know what? Give me a tulip. Why do you have roses all the time? This is crazy. You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I don't like any of these guys, okay? I don't like any of them, okay? You know what? I'm single. I want to mingle. I don't want to just be tied down to one of them, okay? Okay?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm single. I just want to mingle, okay? I'm single and ready to mingle, okay? Like the group date. I'm not even thinking about Marioio anymore but if i could have it to go for all of your food just in case he comes back okay he's like still saving food for

mario on her bachelorette date well she'd get mad if the guys are talking to her hey hey it's supposed to be about me okay i'm the bachelorette okay because i'm single i'm single and ready to mingle okay so you would keep breaking through the pool door the back door jorinda busting hey everyone pay attention to ramona i made it nice okay everyone pay attention to ramona i made it nice all right you can talk amongst yourselves you can get drunk but don't ignore my friends you can talk about me you can talk about Bachelor. But don't talk about my mother! I made it nice! This is what you're missing, Anna.

I know. FOMO. We're hoping to shame you. Publicly shame you into watching Real Housewives of New York City. Your life will be enriched. So I think that's good for now for the mailbag. so we'll just close

it up mailbag you sound like when you put your cell phone too close to a speaker and it's like an answer machine and it's just going da da da da da da da da da da how our first hundred episodes sounded so Anna you have written for magazines have you not? I have this is an interesting segue. You've written for magazines and I've binged on things and so it's funny

because a lot of our listeners read magazines and what perhaps they don't realize is rather than subscribe to a million magazines they could just get involved with texture which is this great app it's like the netflix of magazines um tell me about it yeah i will well you know when it comes to magazines you know what you like right and with texture you can get all the magazines you want in one super convenient place yeah they've completely reimagined magazines like they used to be on paper like right and with texture you can get all the magazines you want in one super convenient place

yeah they've completely reimagined magazines like they used to be on paper yeah i was gonna say i wrote for magazines back when magazines were on paper yeah loser well um texture will give you outdated anna i guess your books are probably in paper too so lame it's like the 1800s yeah well texture is giving you the articles and stories you really want, mainly the ones written by Anna David, all in one place, plus interactive features, videos, and recommendations just for you. Yeah. The Texture app lets you tap into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere,

using your smartphone or your tablet. Yeah. Please do hundreds of your favorite magazines, including Back Issues, so you can find some of Anna David's articles and pick the articles like the ones from Anna David that interest you the most. You have to go back

a ways. No matter what year Anna David has articles out in these magazines, Brad and Angelina are still fighting about some shit on the front because that never goes away. You can look at you can just go through all these covers and see brad and angelina throughout the years and then jennifer aniston being all a victim in the corner um sign up for texture right now and gain insider access to all the content from the world's best publication the best part texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins.

You'll gain immediate entry to all of the top magazines, including back issues and bonus video content. Yeah, start binge reading for free right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins. That's texture.com slash crappins. Texture.com slash crappins. We love you, Texture. texture.com slash crappins we love you texture i actually use your app all the time which is how i know about angelina and brad are in a very vocally abusive relationship you guys i'm guessing it's her because she's crazy yeah she's like she's like human rights and he's like handsomeness he's like i have a beard now i'm a better actor i mean he is a good i think he's aged very well

see i think the pretty ones age badly. Really? Yeah. I'm waiting for the bad aging because I agree with you. But Brad is turning into like a... I think he's aging well. He's really turning into the other golden boy. What's his face? Robert, what's his buns? Not Robert.

Robert Redford. Robert Redford, yeah. He aged well. Paul Newman aged well. Paul Newman aged well. You know, Jude Law, here's the thing. I never was on board with the whole Jude Law thing. Is Jude Law aging?

What's that? Oh, you didn't see that Catherine Zeta-Jones, Rooney Mara movie, which is amazing. I can't sit through a Catherine Zeta-Jones movie. Wait, what is that? It was a Steven Soderbergh movie. Traffic. I'm forgetting what it's called, but they are lesbian lovers. Rooney Mara and Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Who's Rooney Mara? Shut up. You only know reality TV puppets. You know, Rooney Mara? She's like, you only know reality TV puppets. You know, Rooney Mara. Movies are kind of boring to me. Rooney Mara was in Social Network

and also The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. And she was in something very recently. Oh, I loved her on that poster. Very good acting on the Dragon Tattoo poster. She looked like so troubled.

And she's related to Kate Mara. They're sisters. They're sisters, in fact. I like Kate Mara. I wish I could remember're sisters, in fact. I like Kate Mara. I wish I could remember. Rooney Mara's the more famous sister. I would say Kate Mara is. Kate Mara was in the Fantastic Four.

I would remember Rooney because I love Andy Rooney. Andy Rooney Mara. I don't remember the name of this movie. We can look it up. What about boxes? Where are the boxes at? Oh, side effects. Side effects.

Side effects. That was Brian. That was Brian, our producer. Wait, who was she in that movie? The wife?, side effects. Side effects. Side effects. That was Brian. That was Brian, our producer. Wait, who was she in that movie? The wife? No. Yes. Side effects.

Isn't that the one where the lady gets sent to jail? Her. Isn't that Elizabeth What's-Her-Buns from... She... Channing Tatum is her husband. You saw it. Yes, I remember that. Yeah, I saw that.

But isn't the wife... I'm so sorry. I'm not doing this on purpose. Isn't the wife that blonde lady Elizabeth something? Elizabeth Banks. I don't know. I didn't see it. In a word, no.

Oh, man. We were just talking about how people distort reality and then believe it. That's me. I really... I thought Elizabeth Banks was so good in that movie. She went to prison. That's pitch perfect. Oh, wait.

Did she go to prison and pitch perfect? No, I don't think she did. That movie sure pulled out all the stops in the sequel maybe think of the hunger games which i only saw the first one anyway she didn't go to prison let's just didn't elizabeth banks go to prison sometimes maybe she just went to prison in life remember when elizabeth banks went to jail we are in an elizabeth banks prison right now you guys an emotional prison yes um so let's uh let's move on speaking of vaults you're gonna have to snap this along because i'm not doing it i am just like sitting here like whatever no this is what happens we're

at the improv so we have we're just like improvising our way. We're going to start with Dallas because that was the one that I watched only like 45 minutes ago. It's very fresh in my head. It was fun. This was the episode of Real Housewives of Dallas where they went on a trip. And since it was season one of Dallas, they basically were put on a party bus and sent down the highway for four hours to Austin. Welcome to the slip and slide. It's your first group trip. They didn't get to do anything.

They went to a lake house and the hotel. They're lucky they didn't go to El Paso. I felt nauseous just watching them on that party bus. Oh, my God. They really got down. They got down dirty. So it started off with Brandy and Stephanie getting ready for Austin. And we learned that this lake house was built by Travis

and Brian together. I'm like, did I? I think I've seen this movie before. Did I see this movie once, like about 10 years ago, directed by Ang Lee? Is that me? Going down on the fishing trips, right? So weird. Wait, Ang Lee, that's the movie about

where they're like, the dragon, that's another dragon movie, right? Where they're like doing martial arts, but it's like the lake. Well, I was actually referring to Brokeback Mountain, but it could be a Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Yeah, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Don't you remember that movie where two guys go down to a lake and build a house and then do kung fu? Just like that Ang Lee movie. What movie do you mean?

Brokeback Mountain. They built a house in that movie they always go out they always go out to like they go out sarcasm i'm very sarcastic but i don't understand wait a second he didn't wait she's not married to jake gyllenhaal what are you talking about i may forget parts of that movie but i will never forget the faces around me because i saw that in texas people were like really like why would you come see a gay cowboy movie what did you think they were going to be doing on the mountain this is the second called broke back mountain literally on the bonus episode i told a story about shushing some um

belligerent armenians this is the second day in a row that i've been discussing this movie no but in in brookback mountain they would go on like an annual fishing trip together like a fishing trip quote unquote and you know do things anyway the point is this little butt play do a little butt playing the point is this uh travis and brian built a lake house together um you know that these couples love each other because they all they both both these couples are obsessed with stupid names for their children like they showed all the children together because they're like you guys can have a play date their names are like chase fall down

like what are their names yeah like cruiser cruiser potato chip you named your baby after like a toy or a chevy i think brandy's little kids are so cute those little redheads little gingers yeah they are they grow into different things well you never know what they'll grow into uh my gingers are hot there's a ginger doorman here who works here at the improv i saw him last night raw i'm a big fan of blake riffon he's a ginger who's that don't don't even i'm not even gonna i'm sorry i feel like other people two-thirds of the people on this podcast do not know who that well well everyone else can look him up and then well people are very split on brit but they either think he looks like a neanderthal or they think he's hot i'm in the hot camp okay anyway neanderthals are hot yeah it can be they can be super hot i mean a little back wax yeah just a little bit of

like grooming and you know so we'll tweeze him um but you know the thing that's funny is that like I mean, a little back wax. Yeah, just a little bit of grooming. A little tweezing. But you know, the thing that's funny is that unlike Brokeback Mountain, where Anne Hathaway would look the other way for these fishing trips, Stephanie and Brandi are like, we would actually prefer it if our husbands were gay because that's the way we can marry each other. They're in miserable marriages, both of them. You know, and I have to say that the envy that I'm not ashamed to admit sometimes the Real Housewives can inspire. Yeah. This season, I mean, that incarnation, jealous of none of them.

No aspiration. Their lives look terrible. Yeah, I know, huh? I mean, those marriages are actively unhappy, those two. Yeah, well, especially Brandy's. I don't really get what the problem is it's just clear there's a problem it's just she's a crazy drama queen and he's like listen to her ass she's like i think i see it from the husband's point of view i just feel like no maybe like

maybe i need attention and i don't know like maybe not supporting me right now like sometimes i just and she gets this like pained look on her face it's because you haven't watched all the episodes and you haven't heard her whisper cry so much there was a whole episode about brandy the entire thing she's like but i never met my grandpa so we're gonna have a barbecue she's either like that or she's like, but I never met my grandpa, so we're going to have a barbecue. She's either like that or she's like, boom! Like in Wasted and falling all over the place. And doing somersaults. She should honestly have been in X-Men or The Avengers because her superpower would be just bringing down.

Like the alien invasions would stop because they'd be like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Aliens, aliens, aliens. She'd be like, wait a sec, guys. My brother's in the hospital again. And the aliens are like the hospital thing is legitimately awful well it's no it's terrible it's sad but it's just it always like it like it just arrives in the episodes out of nowhere and then it's like to be fair in this recent one it arrived and it departed within a second that's true that's true but for that moment like my my tv actually frowned my tv cried my tv was like oh can i change the channel no luckily leanne had a meltdown oh yeah exactly everybody so speaking of leanne um uh leanne

is also getting ready to go to austin and she's getting ready with Tiffany. I just put poor house. I love every time they show her house. It's like the house from King of the Hill. I know. Or like Roseanne. She's big on the charity circuit. She makes money for other people. I'm sure.

She's selfless. That's why she can't afford anything better than can-can costume makeup, right? Because she is crazy. It was one thing when she wore the crazy pink to the goth, whatever, Frito Pie party, but she's just wearing that pink schmear on her cheeks. Well, one thing I've learned. She can look great without the makeup.

Yeah, she was a former Kmart model. She would look beautiful. They all are. You know, Beverly Hills, their whole thing is full of former soap stars and child actors now. Like, Atlanta had, like, a phase where it was, like, they're all married to professional athletes.

And Dallas is that they all used to, like, model for JCPenney. Stephanie? Stephanie did not. Stephanie's arguably the prettiest, perhaps. It's so weird. She looks so terrible in the opener. Like, I'm like, who is that heinous woman? And she's beautiful.

Yeah, she's beautiful. She had a bad day the day they shot that. Yeah, a lot of times the women don't look so great in the openers. It is. It's like she's about to go off to New Orleans. It's a carnival, okay? I voted for Obama because, yes, I can can. I mean, that was my thing first. I'll support it.

Mimic her. Our prison's a real good mimicker. Me. I have a voice now. And I i say you're mimicking me and i say yes i can't can't like literally she should be in like a frilly dress and like a little top hat and swinging above parisians right when she first heard yes we can she was like your charity world is over obama obama or whatever people call my charity world means everything to me a mimicker still not still half of my phrase can can yes i can you know my favorite charity is giving cans to homeless people

don't you care can for homeless. Don't you dare give me a perishable. Don't you dare. Either bring your canned foods in your cabinet or do some can can for the homeless. I like doing can cans for the homeless and giving them cans. But don't you give me a perishable. I swear my name will be ruined. The charity community and I will never let you remember that or forget it.

Listen, Martha Bag Lady, you better get that knee over your stomach and be fired. This ain't a charity. Oh, wait, it is. It is a charity. My charity is teaching homeless ladies how to do the can-can. That way they'll get better chips when they beg. Get my ankle over your head and you're fired, Martha. You're never going to earn $5 a day if you don't do a can-can in the subway. Your charity world is over, Martha. You're never going to earn $5 a day if you don't do a can-can in the subway.

Your charity world is over, Martha. This podcast has changed a lot since you last been on it. Has it? What were we doing last time? It weren't five-minute can-can. Sort of.

Sort of. Little breaks. Just you wait, Anna David. So then everyone gets onto the bus, which is my favorite because Marie gets on the bus like a scared ostrich. She's like looking around. She just knows.

Terrified Marie. We always say that she looks like a deer in the headlights. She literally does. Yeah, she is a fearful woman. I did a snapchat just doing this with her face and it looks just like her it's terrifying but like fatter does a guest always get like so like the the apex of the problem that's unusual right like it was one thing like when brandy glanville was a guest on beverly hills and she but she came on and she got into the mix but marie just sort of is like on the outskirts.

She shows up with fear in her eyes. And by the end of the episode, she's been torn a new one. Without fail. Like every single time. Her bones are like boom, boom. The whole time they're just like pounding on her forehead, those veins. And she really gets to speak up. Like, I mean, she gets like one confessional.

No. Doesn't talk. They just scream at her and then she cries. And that's for us. She does start a lot of shit, though. She's friends with that little queen. You cannot trust that little man. He was on the Gay Real Housewives show on Logo.

He was. She pooped her pants. I mean, these people are like the worst game of telephone. He said she pooped her pants. How did it turn into pooping in a bag? And then she really did poop in a bag. It's like, what the hell? It's like a game of telephone that actually was correct at the end more than the beginning i didn't get that the bag

was real well it was crazy that this even became a controversy that this became like because the whole the whole arc of it was that brandy had to pee in the back of this party bus right so she's like i'll pee in a boat in a solo cop and so then they like she pees whatever and leon's like really no words no words you know she gets high on money my charity world my charity urine world is getting ruined right now and then brandy snaps back with a well at least i't poop myself. And then all of a sudden it's like, how'd she hear about that? Little mimicker. It was a brilliant arc, I have to say. The bodily function arc.

Because the truth is, it was gross that she peed in a solo cup. It was. Yet it's so much grosser. My favorite is that that happened. There's so many great things about it. But later in the episode, Leon's like, I have to tinkle. Like she can't even say bodily functions, but she can do that. It's like in big business when they're like, I have to go kiki.

What do you mean? Go to the bathroom? I always have to wedge in a big business reference. But no, but it's true. I mean, well, Leanne, here's leanne trying to show that she's a real girl's girl she can hang with all of them she's like cool and fun and then like someone's leg being routing the back and she's like you know in a in a tizzy and this is on the heels of her saying like she's trying to be cool and she's like i'm just one of those people who if i keep

drinking i'm okay i'm like cut to you at like 12 12 starting to murder marie i'm okay i'm okay i'm like cut to you at like 12 12 at night starting to murder marie i'm okay i'm okay i'm just one of those people who can just drink and i'm fine yeah i'm not sure if that's that's totally true so when this whole thing comes out with the poop um when when brandy says this thing like well it's better than shooting the back of the car in a bag. Leanne should have been like, ha, ha, ha, ha, that's funny. Like, you know, I think a normal person would probably do that. Well, maybe a normal person wouldn't do that in a bag to start off with. I was being sanitary. What sort of bag was it also, by the way?

I'm just assuming it's a doggy bag. I was imagining like a Trader Joe's bag. Oh, I was picturing a paper bag. Maybe it was like Ikea. Maybe it was like a big old Ikea, you know, like. Oh, yeah, those are good. Oh, I was picturing a paperback. Maybe it was like Ikea. Maybe it was like a big old Ikea, you know, like. Oh, yeah, those are good. Oh, that would have been a bad day. She could wrap it up around her shoulders and just like.

I'm going to side with Leanne on this one because I cannot imagine a world in which someone could laugh that off. Well, as someone who has shat himself. Recently. Five minutes ago. Just now. No, as we're wanted to I wanted to go on Leanne's journey. I wanted to have a voice. I never had a voice. You know, every time I pooped when I was a child, I never had a voice. But now I have a voice.

I didn't have a voice. And now I have a voice. Like, whoa, with the voice. Your voice does not have to scream like that. Quiet voice. Inside voice. with the voice your voice does not have to scream like that um quiet voice inside voice if you dig into the archives of the banter blender podcast uh i think there's one called the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me and it was a story about how two years ago i accidentally like

shat myself i sharted i thought i was it wasn't even a drinking thing no i was walking into a restaurant and i thought i was just farting and i sharted and I was like, oh my God, I sharted and it was mortifying and it just, it went downhill from there. And you still buy white jeans. I mean, the Lord is, God is trying to teach you something. Yeah. Have you seen the color purple? Yeah. You know, so I have, I've been there, Leanne.

This show is all about food. You know that, right? And you know what? I did not have a paper bag. Okay. Did you go home? Well, there was, I was in Palm Springs. I was, I was driving have a paper bag. Did you go home? Well, I was in Palm Springs. I was driving from Arizona to home.

It was a disaster. And so the point is this. It's hilarious. It's awful, but it's hilarious. And what can you do but laugh at a situation like that? If you shit your pants, there's nothing you can do but laugh at it. And so the fact's hilarious. She's like, that wouldn't mean I didn't poop my pants.

Listen, I have a lot of talents. That is not one. Amming your shit into a bag is harder than all the other things you do. We don't shit at the carny, okay? We do not shit. If you're on the scrambler and you have to poop, you hold that in. It doesn't matter how many times you go around. It doesn't matter how many times you think you're going to hit the wall. You're never going to hit the wall, okay? It's the scrambler and you have to poop, you hold that in. It doesn't matter how many times you go around. It doesn't matter how many times you think you're going to hit the wall.

You're never going to hit the wall, okay? It's a scrambler. I loved her reasoning for it, though. She's like, haven't you ever wanted to wear a real pretty dress on your birthday? And then you take a lot of poopy pills or whatever. Take some X-Lax. Yeah, you have some X-Lax. And then you have too much to drink.

I mean, that's just what happened. I'm sorry that I wanted a nice dress. I'm like, okay, Leanne. Leanne, Leanne. But the best adjunct to that was Carrie going, well, I mean, who? She doesn't have an accent. That's okay. Do it.

It's fine. Our accents are off the board. Do it, Anna. Who hasn't done that? Like, she, in the end, was like, like it's like we've all done that yeah we have well they're all moms so they've all had the experience of like shitting on the table when your baby is born like leanne doesn't get that stuff because in the back one and i'm not even being snarky that's true because like brandy was sitting in the back and she's like i can't hold it

because i had two babies and she's like well i would hold it you're like well you haven't had babies you don't understand what it's like having that thing being in escape tunnel yeah well yeah well leon's like are you trying to shame me for not having babies i'm trying to have one as best i can probably shouldn't say that but so the best part is that when leanne was like what then brandy's like brandy immediately recused herself from the situation was like taylor told us marie told him like immediately boom and marie's like she was like just when everything seemed to be going fine all of a sudden marie is in the crossfire and it's amazing that brandy did not take the brunt of all this because thou just shifts to marie marie when me i didn't tell i didn't tell them she's all terrified

and leanne i can literally feel my heart leaking into my gut it's like oh here she goes get a bag i know that's more disgusting i'm having a heart poop so but the funny thing is that leanne the way she tries to describe you know she's she loves getting high money and the way she tries to to describe this as the ultimate betrayal and she's like this was something that was very intimate that was shared between three people i'm like it was not that intimate okay you shat in the bag okay it's embarrassing it's not into if that's if that's your version of intimacy i can see where your husband does where your guy does not want to marry you okay because you're like into scat play or something. Like, not intimacy.

That's just embarrassing. As a dog owner, I just don't see what's so weird about shit in a bag. It's like my whole life is picking up shit and putting it in a bag. Like, what's the difference? A bitch changing doesn't make it different. It's just like the worst late 90s horror movie of all time.

It's like, I shit in this bag, and now we have to take a pact and never tell a single soul, okay? Wait, so you didn't murder anyone? No one's come back from the dead? No, no, all I like i shit in this bag and now we have to take a pack to never tell a single soul okay well you just you didn't murder anyone no one's come back from the dead no no all i did was shit in a bag oh okay all right but it's so fitting that this finale is about sitting in a bag because the whole season has been about poop brandy's intro is like i love poop let's make a poop cake oh remember at the party that's how they bonded the week before. Travis's party. And now we know why Leanne got so mad when Carrie put the fake poop on her chair.

Because it brought back memories of her shitting all over this bag. And I think it was a bad shit. Because if it were just a little shit, it would be fine. But this is obviously a big old traumatic diarrhea. It's a bad shit. I've had yeah yeah this was when i was like 13 yeah my mom used to give me chocolate you know they did that on that show weeds the mom gave uh chocolate to the kid and it was x-lax because she thought her kid was fat

my mother did that okay so i understand that shit yeah literally you understand that shit well you know the funny thing is that leanne immediately she denies everything she's like i never shit in a bag as you can tell by my extreme defense i never shit in a bag you mimic her in the next scene it's just it's just out yeah she's just confessed the shit's out of the bag you know i cannot talk about bodily functions at all i can talk about peeing but i can't talk we were totally grossed out like the first episode we're like no this is disgusting who would do this and now listen to us we'll talk about poop for three hours when the show when this episode began i was sort of snickering about like how long until they talk about poop little did i realize this would be like the second episode this season that

was actually about poop like like not like a joke or a reference it was about fecal matter and what about what about poop so then after this little thing about the poop i think i thought it Like, not like a joke or a reference. It was about fecal matter. What about poop? So then after this little thing about the poop, I thought it was just going to be over once they got out of the van. I was like, okay, it was a poop thing. Leanne's annoyed. She's annoyed at Marie right now, but we're going to go forward. But then they get to this lake house.

And as they're unpacking, Brandy and Steph are like, I wish that poop story were real. That'd be awesome. And then. Kidney. Because I don't know why it would be awesome, but for some reason they think it'd be awesome. Because they have nothing going on with their lives. They are traumatizing Leanne with this poop story. I'm loving it. This whole episode is just, next time she goes grocery shopping and they ask paper or plastic, she's just going to rip a head off a teenager. Well, it probably would have ended there. Except then, here goes Tiffany Hendra. major well it probably you're mocking me it probably would have ended there except then

here goes tiffany hindra who then uh she hears him say this and she goes run out and she's like they are talking about your poop and they say they wish it were real little do they know that it is real but i didn't tell them that marie's just like i didn't say anything she's still sitting right there like it wasn't mean and i it's at this point it is now like starting to turn into like a terrible like edward albee you know all the all the truths come out from our past moment you know about like who said what what lies were told about the poop when did it happen who caused the people who's driving the car whose car was it like poop maze i love that the caterer made prosciutto with chocolate glaze he did say that right you can say a lot about this

show but they understand thematics yeah exactly so now leanne is getting worked up again she's getting because she's she's people are talking about her but this time she's not mad at brandy this time she's just even angrier at at leah i mean oh yes sorry which is legit which is legit because the thing is at this point marie should just be like well i mean maybe i did say something she should start like this is the point where you start to hedge your bets a little bit yeah you know because it's obvious that marie said something yeah right yeah who else is it gonna be i mean tiffany like tiffany who would she tell her weirdo boyfriend and then who's he gonna tell yeah yeah to you marie just say it yeah yeah

but she's sorry but she instead marie doubles down and i believe at this is this point where she swears on her kid or maybe that was she swears on her kid's life oh well i think it was later but yeah i don't think she did yeah maybe she also is having brandy teach her kid cheerleading and brandy's like yeah here's how to pick up a dollar with your ass. It's like she's teaching her all this gross shit. I don't think Marie is a very good, a very trustworthy mother. No, I don't think so. So, and Brandy, I mean, Brandy's not a good mother either.

She told a story about how she made her husband tea from potpourri. Yeah. And it poisoned him. And he went to the emergency room. And everybody wonders why he looks like so quiet and scared all the time. I think she is a good mom, though. Brandy? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, she seems fine. You never know until they turn into jailbirds. Until they drink the tea. So then Leanne is back on trying to be a cool girl. So they're doing shots of fireball, which is like the most disgusting thing ever. And Leanne, in her attempt to seem really cool and fun when they're doing Fireball, she goes, where's Pitbull when you need

him? I'm like, please don't make a Pitbull Fireball reference. Oh my god. Hey, anybody else want to get jiggy with it? Anybody? Anybody in here? Oh, isn't this such a fun thing to be doing at the summer, summer, summer time? Time to sit back

and rewind, am I right, ladies? Oh my god. Yeah, it was a comment that was like not even, like, it was just happening to me in the background. I was like, she is making a joke about Pitbull right now. That's my girl. She happened to get talked over, so no one

heard it, but she thought it was going to be a big joke. She's like, where's Pitbull when I need him? Am I right, Fireball? You know, I'm not Fireball, right? You know, from the Pepsi commercials. Is it Pepsi? I don't know where it is. Maybe it's just online.

I would be interested in studies of how many alcoholics there are in Texas compared to everywhere else. Because if you notice the glassware, it's all like a fishbowl. And it's really like that. Everyone has these humongous fragile and very yeah did you notice that the ceilings are super high in that house that they built like that's a texas thing too and all the ceilings are like 20 feet in the air you know and then their cabinets are so huge that they can house all these glasses i don't know i was obsessed with those glasses they were huge those blue ones that kept breaking when they knocked them over

drunkenly. Yeah. They looked like balloons. They looked like balloons. They got the glasses. Yeah. It's a glass ass. So then they're all

sitting around at Brandy and Tiffany and Leanne and they're in this weird like competition to say who's the most girls. Like Brandy's like, I'm such a girls girl. Tiffany's like, you know, cheerleaders are girls. You're a girls girl. I'm a girls girl. You know, I'm a girls girl. brandy's like i'm such a girl's good it's like

you know cheerleaders are girls you're a girl's girl i'm a girl's girl you know i'm a girl's girl but you know i'm also a boy's boy too i'm like that doesn't even make sense that you're a boy's boy i'm boy's boy no i'm girl girl i'm girl girl and then in the middle of this brain's like my boy my my brother's in the hospital again that was so weird brandy was really she was like who else backs balls like she made a ball joke? She was wasted. That's true. She was wasted. I forgot she was wasted that time.

And then she switched into her, she's like, Tiffany, I wanted to say thank you for that song at the fundraiser for my brother. And she's like, okay, you bought that CD on the way out. You promised to, right? Because I've got one in my purse. Thank you. And Tiffany's just looking at her like, make it about you now. Go ahead and make it about you.

And she's like, man, now it's about me. Yeah, exactly. It's like, you were not in the war. Stop it. Calm down over there. Well, then Leanne makes it about her. I love Brandy. I'm going to traumatize you.

Listen, we like her too. Well, not love. I don't love her. I like her, though. I love her. I like her though. I like her. But then Leanne makes it about her. She's like, I understand PTSD because Rick has it. Oh, that's great. He's a police officer and one time

someone got away and he was really devastated. But she has PTSD. No, it's more like she understands PTSD. I know, but when she said, I understand PTSD, it should have been, because I have it, that's why I act insane. I understand it because I cause it every morning with Rich. I understand PTSD because this one time I rode the salt and pepper shakers three times in a row, and I was like, oh my God, that was traumatic, and this is everything after it. So I get it.

That was a hard ride to go through three times. She probably gets PTSD every time she watches The Voice. I got a voice! I can't watch The Little Mermaid. Mine's been too much in my childhood. Ariel, I want to help you. Have a voice, Ariel. I'm winning The Voice every day because I made it through the carnival.

Ariel was a carny too once, I bet. So now it's dinner time. I love their game. Who would you invite to a dinner party? It was so awkward. Someone said, Meryl Streep from Sophie's Choice. I'm like, what? By the way, isn't that just Sophie? What was the name of Meryl Streep from Sophie's Choice. I'm like, what? By the way, isn't that just Sophie?

What was the name of Meryl Streep's character in Sophie's Choice? Sophie. And then like Jesus and Mother Teresa. It's like, come on. Well, no, but then Leanne, of course. Then she, again, she's like, well, my grandmother, you know what? When she was sick, Mother Teresa and Princess Diana died. I said, God, you're taking all the good ones

you're taking all the good people Princess Diana and Mother Teresa were so the same so on the same caliber remember when Mother Teresa was hounded

by the paparazzi in Paris when she was having an affair with that God how many more hot women are you gonna kill this week

God what is wrong with you I said Grandma don't you dare go into any tunnels God, how many more hot women are you going to kill this week? God, what is wrong with you? I said, Grandma, don't you dare go into any tunnels. Grandma, you stay put. News flash, there's a shortage of hot women in heaven this week. Okay, what's up, Grandma? That's who I would have dinner with. I would have dinner with Grandma, Mother Teresa, and Princess Diana and be like, how does it feel to be so hot and so good and so dead all at the same time?

So anyway, which leads to the perfect transition, which is Meryl Streep and Sophie's choice kills me. What kind of party is that? Who said that? It wasn't even clear. Yeah, I agree. And there was all of a sudden there was like another woman there. Did you notice there was like another woman out of nowhere?

I thought they were calling her Corky, which is my favorite thing ever. I was like, thank you for having a Corky on a Housewives. You've needed one. But her name is Courtney. I'm so mad. Where did Courtney go? Courtney was there. She was on the bus.

Was she? I missed her. She always shows up with Carrie. She never says anything. Yeah. She's that bitchy-looking blonde girl. She said some stuff. Didn't she comment on some – when it got crazy. Oh, girl. She sent some stuff. This one. Didn't she comment on some, the one that got crazy?

Oh yeah, she did. Well, by the way, I have to say their conversation starters in general are not great. It was like, this one was like, who'd you have dinner with?

Did you have dinner with Meryl Streep from Sophie's Choice? And then later on, I was like, you know what I'm afraid of? I'm afraid of tarantulas. You're afraid of tarantulas? I'm afraid of tarantulas. What are you afraid of?

I was like, sharks. I'm afraid of sharks. One time I saw a shark in a shark tank and i was like wow i'm afraid and i was sleeping under it it was like and it sounded like a cool hotel i know i want to go there yeah i was like why you be afraid why you be afraid i'm trying to read my notes like too well i can tell you that the next thing that happens then brandy at this point is now wasted and she's and another conversation started which is like, hey, you want to, this is a table.

You can do rolls on a table. I'm going to do a roll on, you know, roll on table. I'm going to do a roll on table. And then they're like, she's just getting on the table. Like, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Like, move the glasses. And then she's just like flopping around. Sort of like a dead fish back and forth on the table knocking over glasses.

Lots of underwear shots. A lot of underwear. I'd join you, but I feel like I'm back at work. My whole childhood rolling on tables. Well, Leanne did say, she's like a clown in the carnival. And I'd get her. Didn't she say that? She's like the clown in the carnival, just like me.

She's like a salt and pepper shaker that fell off the Ferris wheel. She's tumbling around. And Brandy's like i need more lines like sure i'll show you how to open it she couldn't work the corkscrew she's like i'll show you my trick like i cannot wait to see her get a cork out with her teeth because you know this is coming she's like oh girl i'm surprised she didn't try to uh what do they call it saberhead whatever with like a chef's knife like that wasp is going this knife doesn't have a voice they never showed the trick did they the trick was just opened it with a corkscrew

how boring like you can't say you're from a carny say i'm gonna show you a trick and then just open it with a and it was a pussy corkscrew too it wasn't even like a real one it was one of those like handle ones she's like okay here's my trick on how to open a wine bottle okay you put you put a bottle opener in the cork and then you twist it and then you push the thing the cork comes right out you don't even have to pry with your fingernail anymore I would have taught you this a long time ago but I didn't have a voice surprise you then just like bang the bottle on the thing and just like oh sorry all the wine came out you pee in the car again one more time well maybe she did because the thing is we didn't see what happened the rest of

the night but when we came back from commercial it was the morning and everyone was so good this was so good so carrie's such a shit stirrer because she hates her because leanne has been saying telling everybody you know on camera like well you know a lot of people just don't trust carrie because she stole her husband but she'll never say in public but carrie knows that and that's true so like carrie's already defensive and she knows they all think that so carrie's a bitch to everybody and especially lean. But I have to say out of all the marriages, hers looks the worst. That guy is so creepy and codependent.

Put on that jacket. And so, I mean, it's so creepy and I think she's secretly miserable. Yeah, and I think like

I'm a little, I'm a little done with this whole thing of that he dresses her. It's like, okay, like have like one scene in one episode

or like one episode but it's been like every episode is like that and it's like, it's not, it's not getting funnier. No. It's like, okay, have one scene in one episode or one episode. But it's been like every episode is like that. It's like, it's not getting funnier. It's not getting more interesting. It's getting creepier, though. It's getting creepier.

It's actually just getting annoying and not interesting. It's not like, there's just nothing redeeming about it. It just keeps happening every episode. He's so annoying.

Yeah. You're going to pack that purse? He's making noises and stuff while he does it gross dude and her little jokes about it are just getting silly like oh that's that's mark he's my little dresser that's what he does it's like now i can take all the shoes i want you know my only husband take two but you know that's him i call my bitch because he's my bitch and you're like and but he likes to put clothes and i'm like yes carrie like you're the jokes are not getting funnier you've said all the jokes exactly oh the first episode she's like that guy he used to be fat i mean look

at this fatso watso and they were like showing clips of him chunky and she's like not anymore change that she's a bitch like it opened up with her fat shaming this guy and i was like this poor gay guy because i just figured you know it's like brow beaten and fat shamed like guy. And I was like, this poor gay guy. Cause I just figured, you know, it's like brow beaten and fat shamed. Like I've been there, buddy. Um, but no, he just loves dressing a girl and jerking off at the same time.

Weird. Yeah. Yeah. She's so proud of that marriage. She really is. Uh, well, you know,

I mean, if you're going to marry for money, that's a good, that's a good amount. I was about to say, I was about to say, compared to the other marriages, she may be the most miserable,

but hers is definitely the most glamorous. Yeah, she's like, I will never have to dig again. But she stands there picking at people's fat in the surgery room. Is that so glamorous? I love that she jokes about it, too. She has a chest open. She's like, Mark used to be fat. Am I right, Mark?

Could you concentrate? You've got a lady's chest open right now. Well, so it's the next morning and everyone's like, did you hear about Leigh-Anne? Leigh-Anne was up all night. So Leigh-Anne apparently spent the night screaming at Marie. That she was going to kill her. That she was going to kill her.

I'm going to slaughter you. I'm going to get her carny style. I'm going to get you carny style. I'm going to get you carny style. What does that mean? Like load her up onto a ride and let her go? I'm taking 60% of your tickets. You aren't keeping those skee-ball tickets.

Do that much right now, young lady. I'm putting you in the trombone, but I'm not buckling your seatbelt. Good luck. I have a question. Why did we not get to see the fight? That's the thing. Where were the cameras? Leanne is stealth. She tries we not get to see the fight? That's the thing. Where were the cameras? Leanne is stealth.

She tries to not do that in public. I mean, she has before, but they always, they're like, remember when Leanne went crazy? It's like the next day. She tries to pretend she's all nice on camera, and that's why she was doing it off camera, but Carrie was standing there shooting it on her phone. That was great. But Carrie should have gotten more footage, because they only showed like one second of it. I'm like, Carrie, if you're going to be a friend of me, you better like get all the goods, you know, and then just like send them off to the producers.

Let just like let Leanne slaughter you. But the cameramen are not there. The cameramen, men and women all all the time. I think I mean, they let they let them go to sleep. They let them go to shooting hours because on New York, like the cameramen leave and they all start fucking people on vacation. And then the next day, one season, they woke up and they were all accusing each other. Like, prove it. Prove it.

There's no footage. Prove it. Yeah, pretty much. So they are. Leanne was screaming at Marie. And Marie was just like towering in the corner. And she was threatening to do all these things to her. Kill her. Gut her. Do whatever whatever so then it's the next morning and now leanne

marches into the marches into the dining room where marie is like sitting there trembling like because tiffany makes her tiffany is such a shit starter too she's like don't you want to talk to leanne again i think you should i mean she's just sitting down there trembling she should be trembling well don't you think you should talk to her no you should she's like slams down on the table and just looks at her like well what you gotta say will you explain the tiffany leanne friendship okay so they've been friends for 20 years they were friends in la where they were models together and um they just – I don't understand. I guess they just became friends because they were models.

And then Leanne moved back to Dallas, I think probably because modeling did not work out for her. And then eventually Tiffany moved back to Dallas because modeling and acting did not work out for her. And she also partied too hard in L.A., and she famously tells in the first episode how she was, like, basically on the floor of the bathroom doing who knows what at various L.A. parties. And so she's like, you know, I think I need to change my life. And so she went back to Dallas. And I think that like Leanne has been like her only friend in Dallas. And so she has a loyalty to it. But I think that she's I think Leanne is very alpha.

She's a very strong personality. And someone like Tiffany is like a like just a lifelong sidekick and she will gravitate to someone like that and then maria is also a sidekick but she's like a lower level sidekick so like she folds in under tiffany so they have this weird like you know hierarchy going on and so uh i think that um i think t Tiffany feels protected by having Leanne. Interesting. And Leanne. Doesn't go off on her. They had a moment.

Well, she goes off on her if she steps out of line. Okay. Yeah. And then Tiffany goes off on her, too. I think they're just both raging crazies. Because there was an episode where Tiffany was like, you better watch it, Missy. Like they were in each other's face. Yeah.

I'm here to help you and in the end leanne wound up slapping a trolley as it was passing by so it was good i'm gonna gut this trolley carney style um carney is at it so um so leanne comes talk to marie and marie's like are you calm and he Leia goes, I'm quite peaceful. Which is the least convincing declaration of peacefulness I've ever heard. You don't seem calm. Well, I don't want when somebody that I have done so much for betrays me. I was like, what did you do for her?

She's a rich one. It's like she handed you all of this money for your charities and all of these friends. You didn't do that. What have you ever done for anybody? I let you hear about how much sympathy I have for people with HIV. I've done that for you. That's true. I told you my corny story. I'm like, okay, stop that now.

I let you have the pleasure of having me poop in the backseat of your car. That's what I've done for you. I've given you a lifelong story that you can never tell anyone. But you threatened to slaughter me and my children and my husband. She's like, well, what you think is slaughter is different than what I think is slaughter. That was actually an amazing line, and that should probably go down in Housewives history. What you think is killing and what I think is killing are two different things from you say i'm going to kill you that means girl back no but then she got a definition from marie remember carrie asked for

the definition what do you what do you think killing is i mean he's like well i think it just means that she loves me but what has that make you feel i think i feel loved but has it made you feel threatened it means i need to do better that's all she means i need to do better well i i love when i love how like leanne is like rephrasing everything like you said you were going to gut me that's right i'm gonna gut you out of my life you said you were going to take a knife and stick it in my stomach, pull out my intestines, and chop them up

and feed them to a dog. Yes, and what I mean by that is I'm going to stick a knife into the stomach of misery between us and take out the intestines where all the shit between us is happening and feed it to a dog because we love dogs and charity.

I'm just trying to make you tastier. I mean, you can't eat a fish with its guts in, can you? I'm just trying to help the dog. The dog. I heard your dog shits in a bag. I'll slaughter you! Love the word slaughter. We're talking about poop in a bag this episode.

What I love is how here they are. I'm so sorry I have to word slaughter. We're talking about poop in a bag this episode. What I love is how here they are. I'm so sorry I have to interrupt you. Marie goes, you spilled peanuts. That was so funny to me. She's like, but you came down here and you spilled the peanuts and then you threatened to gut me. I missed the spilled peanuts. I missed the peanuts also. It was so good. It I miss the spilled peanuts. I miss the peanuts also. It was so good.

It was like the pitbull thing. It happened really fast. It was like, spill the peanuts. Marie's on the floor picking up peanuts. If Leanne ever finds these peanuts. What I liked, though, is that the day before, everyone was like, we're all getting along. And the moment this happens, the other girls do not miss an opportunity just to pile on to yeah i've never seen anything like that that is scary i was scared have you ever experienced that anna with your with your girlfriends or have you seen that with girls like people just go off and go crazy yeah not quite to that level

but but i've definitely seen the pile on yeah you know where it's just like somebody becomes the target and it's like now everything now it's just an excuse for everyone to pile all their frustrations on seem legit like it really did seem like crazy a hundred percent but it's seriously every other week like she's got issues the woman just she's one of those people like in traffic you see them like banging on their steering wheel and just screaming. Like, going nuts. That's her, but, like, in public. Right.

Well, I mean, every episode, I feel like Leigh-Anne is saying, I never want that side of me coming out again. I never want it. Like, that's not me. I'm like, it comes out every single week. It is you. It's you. Yeah, it's you. At this point, it's definitely you. I love that she doesn't even understand.

She's like, oh, well, what's so wrong with that? I'm sorry I'm not perfect. If I was perfect, I'd be on a cross. Okay? I'd be pooping on a cross. Is that so wrong? I'm a human being. It's what we all do.

Just put a baggie at the bottom of it. So I get mad. So I said I'd murder you. I mean, I just get very angry. I didn't have a voice as a child. And then two hours later, I'm fine. Like, what? It's so hard to understand. I know two hours of that screaming did not seem like a very short time. Yeah, but

most people say, I get it out and then I'm fine. But she's like, I get it out and then half a day later. Clean the blood off the walls. I get a little more out. You know, it's like pooping in a bag, really, if you think about it. Stages. You telling that little queen about my poop was like an X-lax and martini.

Yeah. It's like, happy birthday, Anna David. Welcome to our podcast. Let's talk about shit in bags. Not your fault. that kind of episode the bodily function on exactly and it really is like a metaphorical image for this show and really the season i was luann basically shitting the floor i'll care about the charity world that was so good she was like i really care about the charity world and these girls are ruining my progress yes as the girls it's not the can-can makeup so the funny thing is again when she's trying to like

excuse everything she's like you know killing when you say i'm gonna kill you that's just slang it's like if i say i'm gonna kill your ass that's slang for that like what you said i'm like why don't you tell your police officer boyfriend that? Like, oh, I'm sure if you just go up to a police officer boyfriend and say, I'm going to kill your ass, that he's just going to be like, ha, ha, ha, see you later also. Yeah, say that when you get a ticket. Yeah, yeah. So then Leanne, she does the classic housewives thing, which is she's going to storm out, and she's like, I'm calling a taxi. I'm calling a taxi.

I'm like, what about Uber? Uber, yeah. I was like, have you seen a shop before, Uber? Yeah. I mean, I know that Uber actually just got kicked out. I'm sorry, Uber just left Austin. But that was only like a few weeks ago. I'm like, Leanne.

Yeah. She's like, I am going to go get a taxi. And I just hope they're playing some Pitbull in there. Because otherwise, I need something to calm me down. Former carnies don't take Uber. It's just a rule. They're more of like a sidecar at best. Y'all, could you send me a horse and possibly a one-legged clown?

To the hill country, thank you. She just gets in one of those cars that goes around in a little circle. Why am I not getting anywhere? I'm still leaving. Okay. So, of course, because it's like the classic ploy

of saying, I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. So, who goes out after her? Tiffany. Yeah, Tiffany goes out and is like, don't leave, don't leave,

don't leave. And then Leanne is now the victim. Even though she's the one who was attacking everyone and she's like i just don't understand why that's so judgmental especially when carrie has stolen a marriage she broke up a marriage her but she's judgmental me all i did was yell and she broke up a marriage you're such a shady shady woman charity charity my ass but the great

thing about that is it did sound legit when she said it. You're like, yeah, actually breaking up a marriage is worse than yelling. That's true. I mean, there's no argument with that. But she's funnier. Like, well, I mean, not all her jokes land, but like Carrie at least is generally like, she seems like she's just sort of like, whatever. I think even if she, even though she denies breaking up a marriage, I think truth is if

she were really caught, she's like, fine, I did. But that's her fault. You know, like, but she didn't really deny it. No, because she brought it up and she was like, well, Mark, you know, people like to judge me because I was married before. And also Mark was married before that we got together. Like, what does that mean? Of course, it was before you got together. But don't you also feel like the I don't know, don't you feel like the blame should be more on Mark than on Carrie? before we got together. I was like, what does that mean? Of course it was before you got together.

Don't you also feel like, I don't know, don't you feel like the blame should be more on Mark than on Carrie? What are your feelings? The woman always gets blamed. Yeah, what are your feelings on this? Because this comes up a lot, especially on Bravo shows, where it's like, well, she stole my man. She stole this, whatever.

Do you think, if there's ever a situation where there's infidelity, do you think, this comes up with Countess Luanne. This is what's going on in Real Housewives of New York City. Do you think – how much of the blame should the woman get in those situations? Well, the woman always gets 100% of the blame. Right. And the man is just, you know, like that guy – He's just like a beast. He's an animal and he can only just follow the instincts of whatever seductress comes his way.

Well, and it was literally like she got on her knees in the office like what's he gonna do that was like some reference earlier i'm sure yeah because i think was she working for him i think she's always worked for him yeah um but but yeah no i feel like the man never gets blamed because women are at each other's throats which is the bravo philosophy it's why bravo is bravo um you can always count on women to think that you know it's another woman's fault we're territorial because we comment to the world at such a disadvantage i sound like brandy yeah i think in this case like just with housewives in general especially carrie and mark like she's not with mark because he's so funny and handsome.

Like she's with that man for his money. So a lot of these women just try and find the richest man that they can marry. And then I think they're like, how dare that bitch try and steal my gold. Like they get mad about that more than the love part. Well, Stephanie is certainly with Travis for that reason. Yeah. Nobody could love that man you don't like a roid ragey little man like he's like the texas joe judas he's like

just shaking his face like did you do the list honey she doesn't even try to act like she likes him yeah yeah she i mean she literally wants to marry him off to the ginger yeah that's how that's how little she likes him yeah but i don't know i i feel like it's i think it's a combination of uh leanne's hatred of carrie is the fact that also that carrie is really to go back to the girl's girl thing carrie's not really a girl's girl in the sense that she's snarky and sort of mean and you can tell that she does not have a lot of she's mean like when she's on in her talking head she's super funny but when they show her walking into parties she's yeah she's got bitch face and gives everybody dirty looks and she'll go up to the food and be like no yeah i don't think she's funny in her confessionals you know whatever it's funny i've

i've felt that she has been funny but the frito pie episode was a turning point because she entered that party with such a bitch face on and was actually really so dismissive to the whole thing that it kind of changed my perception of her i have to say and also the great fat speed party she walked in like that oh yeah she did that's right she wore in costume yeah she's massive she well her her wedding dress which was somehow gatsby-esque, but it was not at all. And she had like a high hairdo that was like. But she's not only not a girl's girl. She's not in anyone's girl except that really gay, weird husband.

Yeah. And also Courtney, who doesn't speak. Yeah. So she's like, you guys, what is it, your sidekick? You're just going to do all the talking all the time? Yeah, hello. You're sitting across from Courtney. Hypocrite. Exactly. So anyway,

so Leanne, of course, comes back into the house and now Brandy tries to talk to her and be like, don't leave. And this is when Leanne I'm loving Brandy and Leanne as friends. I think that is so cute. Yeah.

I kind of like it. I really like this show, but I like seeing the women kind of come out of their shells. Like Stephanie was really funny in this episode. Yeah. And she's so confident. And then Brandy's like, so she's not making herself fight over stupid shit.

I think they just all realized this bitch is nuts. Yeah. So if we're going to be friends, we just have to listen to her be nuts. Yeah, exactly. So Brandy then also talks Leanne off the ledge. And then this is, again, where Leanne does the whole thing about the voice. And she does, she almost quotes Soap Dish, which is another movie we always reference.

Because she's like, I'm not perfect. Nobody is. I'm like, where is Sally Field? This is, we're launching into the Celeste Halbert monologue from that movie. But that's but that's when she's like i had zero voice as a child but now i'm a voice you know it's like oh my god like cue the violins and the whatever so you're 50 yeah eventually you have to just let it go girl yeah yeah it's like it's it's called like i was like you had no voice and you had too much voice

like it's time to find the the middle area yeah do you know how high the unemployment rate is you were lucky to have a job as a child yeah and that goes for you too china while we're at it so um so now we go to spa day now that everyone goes off to the four seasons right and um this is when leanne and tiffany and mar Marie sort of bury the hatchet because Marie walks in, you know, again, scared bird, eyes wide open. And she's kind of like. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries, Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat or be eaten world. a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself.

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early and ad-free on Wond plus starting january 29th join wondery plus on the wondery app or on apple podcasts i'm like just like i'm sorry yeah she's like she's like i never would have said that even though she did and she basically asked for a hug and then leanne is like sometimes i just i feel defensive i said it's like things i say i just think about things i feel about me it was like this big old band-aid over the disastrous but how come when you're hurt you hurt me back that doesn't make any sense like how do they even know what he what they're saying to each other like their sentences are so bad. What are you talking about?

And remember, this is about an accusation of shitting in a bag. I heard she pooped her pants. That's the little gay guy was walking around a party going. I heard she pooped her pants, girl. It's true. So good. I miss him. Bring it back.

So now they go to dinner. And at this point, I thought everything was fine. Leanne's like happy or she squashed everything. Marie. But Leanne won't be okay. This is how Leanne was at dinner. Ronnie's being quiet and insolent. Yeah.

I'm like all sullen and double chinned on purpose. It's one of my least favorite things is when someone is upset and they just sit there and sulk. I mean, how many times has that happened to you? You've been at a party and there's one person there doing that. It's one of my least favorite things is when someone is upset and they just sit there and sulk. I mean, how many times has that happened to you? You've been at a party and there's one person there doing that. It drives me nuts. It happened to me last night at my birthday dinner. No.

Someone did that at your birthday? Who does that? Shame them. Shame them right now. Shame them. Now's your chance. You have a voice now, Anna David. I was not a carny kid.

I've always had a voice. No, but it was somebody who kind of tried to, like, take control and, like, make everyone watch a video. And I tried to shut it down. And my trying to shut it down. She's a good friend of mine. But it was, like, it bruised her ego a little bit. Oh, and then so then she just kind of would take one person aside to do the video commentary. And it's sort of like, there's a time and a place to get feedback on a video that you made but that is not it it was a video for she made it worse for yourself it was like an hour

now it took for her to show every single person happy birthday where is she all right we'll wait you know i um so i used to live right off of the sunset strip and so it always be i remember that remember that yeah and so i used to always go out on the Sunset Strip. And there are a lot of bachelorette parties that happen on the Sunset Strip. And when they would come walking by down the sidewalk, there was always a pattern to it. You would see the bachelorette, because she has a veil on, with one friend. She's leading the pack. And she's talking like her fingers wagging. And she's angry.

And she's angry about something. And then she has a friend who's like listening taking it all the tiffany hendra if you will and then there's like a gap and then there's like five women who are just like walking along and they're just trying to stay out of it and then there's another gap and there's one girl in the back who's also angry perhaps crying with another girl and it's like okay so now we see what happened there was a fight someone like i'm mad the bachelorette fought with someone so and it's like you know that this scene happened tonight like 10 times over and it's ruined the bachelor party amazing every single weekend every

single time you'd see it happen with every bachelorette party so leanne was that girl yeah in the back yeah she she'd either be the back or the front she'd either be in the back or the front, but she was never in the middle. That's for sure. She would not be the bride. So now, so Leanne is quiet. And the reason why she's quiet is because now she's actually mad at Carrie. Because now. But Carrie won't stop. Carrie will not stop.

She's like, well, is everybody going to order? How about we order some anger from leanne you seem to be cooking a lot of that how do you feel about that how do you feel about almost murdering somebody she's like not letting i'm just not gonna let her get to me she's not gonna mess up my progress well carrie was poking poking carrie was kind of a bitch because leanne got an email and was like hey tiffany do you want to go to this charity for giving doormats out to clowns who used to be in the carny? Tiffany's like, sure. Swim shoes for ducks, anybody?

Anybody? Just got emails about paperclips for farmers. Do you know how many ducks are getting athletes foot in the shower? Swim shoes for ducks. Oh, no, you got the shoes that have the toes that's so insulting to them so then that's when carrie pulls the butch move is like can we not be on the phone it's like i'm sure you have no one to call carrie shut up yeah exactly and then that's when that's when leanne's like please continue to judge me carrie continue. And then it just is like, just a disaster.

And then Tiffany gets into it. I almost couldn't follow this fight. I'm reading it right now like, what the frick? Okay, so they're mad because, wait, are you talking about Tiffany? Oh yeah, because Tiffany gets into it. I'm trying to remember how Tiffany... Defending Leanne

in some way. She's just defending Leanne and then Brandy is like, stop defending her. Yeah, I don't even know. Is this when they were talking about their fears? I think that was earlier. Yeah, earlier. We had talked about that. I'm like, is this where the cowboys fuck in a tent? On the mountain. Tell me, guys.

No, so basically so then Leanne and Tiffany get into this weird thing where Leanne's like best friends protect one another and Tiffany goes in, that's where Leanne's like, best friends protect one another. And Tiffany goes in, that's what a friend does. Oh, yeah. This is how. Because Tiffany was like.

Like how we make them like total cowboys. She's like, well, Leanne is judged a lot because she really puts herself out there. Yeah, that's why. And so you guys are just judging her. And they're like, no, she was threatening to slaughter somebody. And I think she's the only one with the balls to try to slaughter someone and destroy their family. So she gets a lot of hate for that. And then it became an enabler talk.

Yeah. Then, yeah. Then became this whole thing where Brandy was getting mad at Tiffany for enabling Leanne. came this whole thing where brandy was getting mad at tiffany for enabling leanne and tiffany was like i talk in circles i want people to hear what i have to say and i think this whole thing honestly is those ladies are just being mean bitches i mean yes leanne is crazy like you can see that she's crazy but stop poking the bear like you're the one making it not fun carrie's just sitting there being evil and then i guess she's the richest and so everybody has to be nice to her it's like an old housewives trope yeah so they're all on her side again and brandy's like jumping back and forth sides because stupid stephanie's

like all confident to stand up against leanne now yeah stephanie just be quiet you're not even in this i think the issue for me i think the reason you know i think why carrie's actually on the losing side of this is aside from the fact that she was being bitchy after all the dust had settled and she was bringing it back up again she was also like there wasn't there was a there's some insincerity i thought about the way she kept on going after lan about how she acted like you were threatened to slaughter her you're threatened slaughter i'm like you really wasn't part of your fight and they they squashed it even if they even if they're dysfunctional they did squash it so you kind of have to just like you have to move on because it's not your issue anymore and the fact that you keep on bringing it back is like you're just using that as an excuse to wedge

your your issues with leanne into the i mean talk about a bravo philosophy yeah i mean that is that is what bravo is built on yeah But I also think Carrie wants a Tiffany. Like, she doesn't understand, A, how to have a friend, but to, like, get friends you can abuse. I guess, what's her name? The blonde Courtney. Oh, yeah. Courtney doesn't even have a voice. Well, and also Mark.

She's like, hey, everybody, meet my stupid husband, Mark. Meet the ex-daddy, Mark. Hey, Mark, spell a word with your stretch marks. He's so good at this. Hey, Mark, how's that chocolate cake going for you? Oh, not well, right? Because I got a vanilla one. Ha!

Like, talk about abusive. I know. So basically the episode ended with Brandy declaring that she doesn't like Tiffany now. And next week we have the season finale. And, you know, that's good to hear. They grow up so fast, except they don't grow up they just sort of end so fast my story is not a story don't demean it next week on the real housewives of dallas yeah it should be a good one so that was that was dallas to be my story

it's fun times i can't believe the season's almost already over. I know. I can't believe it either. I'm so sad. I hope there's like a five-part reunion. I need another month of this. I think they'll get a two-part. I think they may actually only get a one-part reunion. I don't think there's enough stuff for two episodes. I'm obsessed. So next we can go to

Southern Charm. Anna, do you want to stick around for Southern Charm? I gotta run. Well, thank you so much, much Anna for coming on the show happy birthday everyone go check out Anna's podcast about all the petty issues that we have and what the deeper meanings are you've got issues with Anna David

and I would like to say the word issues was brought up about 600 times in this episode very relevant you should have this show. You should have Leanne on as a guest. You probably get her. The problem is with people with serious issues.

You can't get to the petty issues. There's just too much to wait through. Here's my petty issue. I was a corny. I wasn't allowed to speak and everyone did everything to me. So what do you say about that? Right. And I thank you so much for coming on.

So great to see you. Thank you. You guys are hilarious and amazing, and I'm so grateful. You're the best. It's so good to meet you in real life, and happy birthday. Happy birthday. Your Southern accent has so gotten stronger since in the time we've been doing this. I'm a mimicker.

It'll never go away. Thanks, you guys. All right. Thanks, Anna. So Southern charm. Southern charm. Who's got money? So Southern Sean.

Southern Sean. He's got money. Previously, Thomas, may I double check? Oh, God. So I'm so scared to see Catherine's paternity test. The storyline has to be happening soon. Yeah. And this is like leading up to it. And I'm so scared.

Yeah. Well, I don't think Thomas wants to know the results of the paternity test. I think he wants to have the male silent. I think that he, it's like, I think he's going to turn a blind eye. Like the baby's going to wind up being like black and he'll be like, well, I think it's mom. Well, I do like going to Aruba. I'll tell you that much. They have their new little baby home. It's like this little tiny peanut of a thing

and just i feel like it is thomas's baby i mean we you can't really tell when there's a newborn like what it's going to look like but she's already putting a beanie to hide its ears thomas's ears those things are growing those are the things that keep growing your ears and your head you know that right like i'm getting really big ears as I age. Poor Thomas. Like those things don't stop. I can tell it's Thomas's baby because the baby has already shoved someone into a pool. So that's a pretty good sign. The baby has actually already gotten someone pregnant.

The baby's already ruined somebody's purse. Why did I bring my purse to the childbirth? Landon has a dog that's gross. don't know why so it opens the first full-on scene is with craig visiting his former employer craig that plaid jacket oh that plaid jacket has gotten a lot of play recently my jacket i think he spent he had he borrowed a lot of money from naomi to get that damn jacket because he is wearing that thing everywhere. And then he walked in with his creepy old boss who's also wearing a plaid jacket. They're both wearing a crazy dark plaid slash gingham jacket. They both look crazy.

And the fact that they're both wearing these things, it was almost like a magic eye poster where if you cross your eyes one of them would become three-dimensional now craig you went to law school for three years and you want to be a hotel manager like i don't know if he's saying you could do better or if he's saying you can't even finish law school how are you going to manage reservations yeah i don't know what he's saying but i love this whole there was a lot of there's a lot of complexity in it and he's like well yeah i mean you know i thought i could like learn about bourbon and be a hotel manager and also like i think i figured that like the way to like pass the bar is to like serve bourbon right at the bar so here's the problem i see with that craig you're dumber than a box of chicken well like what about like a bucket of

chicken like i like all different shapes you know that gay boss he's so mean to craig and craig just keeps going back like what do you think you're gonna get you've already been fired what are you gonna get from this guy well clearly the producers have paid this guy um a lot of money to eventually take craig back because he's like well craig what i can do for you is promise to get you perhaps back on the road to maybe being a lawyer and craig's like great i'm like you realize that was like not a commitment of any sort and what kind of lawyer would craig be objection that's like bullshit like you're just saying like do you want to like have sex with my client's husband like it's crazy so like in conclusion like not guilty because like i mean cause so i love how

greg just talks i'm really trying like i signed up for the bar and like like what i think is like hitherto thou thou for it you know he's like craig really what are you even saying craig i really think that i could be a lawyer because like i've already gone to the website to learn about how to sign up for the bar so like that's a lot of commitment i really like the order part of one order craig i really like you know when i go to barnes noble i always stop and look at the covers of the john grisham books and that's like pretty legal so i think i'm like a pretty good lawyer so now who are we with after this shit he's not fat what did i say oh i love fat waiter why did i say fat waiter

oh my friend alex was watching with me and she said write down that i said he is not fat and i was like well i just mean for TV. Sorry, waiter. Well, I think this is when Shep and Bailey go to a restaurant, right? Okay, so tell me about this. Was she breaking up with him? Because I didn't get that. Pretty much.

She's like, so, Shep, I like this. I like this hooking up that we're doing, but I need a commitment. Like, are we going to be dating? And he's like, gosh like gosh gosh that's what every girl wants like commitment like i can't do that that's like crazy bailey i mean you're named after an alcohol that's crazy gosh it's like i gotta put my credit card number in every time i date somebody and if i don't break up with them after a month i start getting charged gosh so she's like all right well that's it he's like but can we still we should still like hang out and have fun she's like nope gosh gosh who this woman harpo i don't know why i wrote that

what he's who this woman harpo harpo who this woman that's from color purple i'm gonna just bring up color purple all day for no reason. I haven't even seen it in years. So he's breaking up with his girl. She's breaking up with him. He does commit to those dentures. Yeah, he did. But he learned early commitment is bad.

Yeah. No, Shep is not going to be tied down anytime soon. I just wrote, trim your armpit hair, Shep. It really bothers me. I'm like, can't you even shave one time or trim your armpit hair chef it really bothers me i'm like can't you even shave one time or trim your armpit hair i can zero up right here i need to shave my armpit hair so um uh cameron then we go to cameron visiting her mom and i love this i love her mother first of all her mother is dressed like she teaches eliza minnelli themed dance class. She's wearing this big white collar coming out.

Like a scarf. And she's serving a brandy aperitif in a little special glass. Yeah. And Cameron's like, she's beating people over the head with vodka bottles. Going to Liza. Sorry, David Guester's still dead. I hope he didn't die of a brain hemorrhage. Oh, that's right he died maybe you have like mustache implants um so yeah she's talking to her mom she's like mom i'm worried that if i don't have a baby like

what is gonna happen with my husband oh who cares any idiot can get knocked up i mean men are just dropping sperm all over this place you sit down wrong wrong. You get a baby in your room. I mean, look around you. Jeez, lady. I don't want to be a fucking grandma. Take care of your damn kid.

Get those things out of my house. But it was refreshing that she was like, you don't have to have it. Well, the fact that you think that your life is going to end and that you have nightmares and that child make you miserable and you just want to cry at the side of a baby. That means you're not ready for one. And that's okay. You don't have to have a baby. I know a lot of people don't have a miserable and you just want to cry at the side of a baby that means you're not ready for one and that's okay you don't have to have a baby i know a lot

of people don't have a baby and you know what they're very intelligent people i was like oh my goodness this is crazy for reality tv i've never heard this before you weren't gonna have to figure out where the spoons are in your kitchen camera and she's like hell no mom that's my girl that is my girl she's like any fool can have a baby cut to catherine like struggling to open up another amazon prime package it's not opening i hope someone just happens to be in the neighborhood to open this amazon prime box erm i opened up a box i ordered a box opener from amazon Prime, but that's in a box, too. So let's see.

If Jason wants to have a kid, who cares? Well, I mean, that does suck. If you don't want to have a kid, but your husband does. But then the mom, I do love a good, strong woman. She's like, at the end of the day, it's your choice if you're going to have a baby. I like that. Yeah. Good progressive mother. Yeah, your husband won't even come on TV.

So we already know that he's not going to bend for you. So how about he shows up at one damn filmed thing and then you can, I don't know, get yourself knocked up. I think she needs to have a baby. I'm confused. I think she's confused. Her mom just needs to explain it to her right. Like, you don't have to love your children, honey. A lot of people don't.

It's normal. It's normal to resent your children and want them to die. It's just part of it. It's nature. You know what? If the husband wants a baby so badly, he better pay for a nanny. That way Cameron can do things. But the thing is, Cameron already has a baby, and his name is Shep.

Oh, yeah. Gosh. Because Cameron, for some boneheaded reason, decides to take Shep to a house showing. There's a guy coming in. George Lucas comes. Yeah, George Lucas. Georgeas with terrible facial hair structure what was that it's like a smiley face on both his sides it's the weirdest facial hair i've ever seen george lucas has too much power y'all it was like some strange victorian facial hair shit he needed a top hat so she's showing a house this this beautiful house this guy and shep is along to help show it.

And Shep is a total disaster. Well, why would you have Shep show a dude a house, like an old straight dude? She basically said, I'm bringing Shep because, you know, he gets a lot of pussy, and pussy sometimes has money inside of it. I can shake it out and, you know, get a commission. George Lucas is not going to fall for that. Stupid Shep.

He's like, well, I think this is the kitchen. Gosh. Is there trail mix? Did mom leave us trail mix? lucas is not gonna fall for that yeah stupid chef he's like well i think this is the kitchen gosh or is there trail mix did mom leave his trail mix he didn't know anything about the house he's like this is marble like actually chef it's travertine travertine gosh what's that gosh this is crazy i'm like chef you are now actually craig and you've lost all your entire ability to to berate cra Craig about not knowing his shit. If you're selling a house, you don't know the difference between marble and travertine. Now, I don't know the difference between them.

I always think everything's marble, but you're selling a house. Well, we learned what Carrera marble is because of Bravo. You see, even we know more than he does just because we watch Bravo. I already forgot what Carrera marble is. I do too, actually. I know it's a thing. I still know who Tia Carrera is. Yeah, I know that there's a board i still know who tia carrera is yeah i know that

there's a board game called the palaces of carrera i've seen a ferrari once um i really don't carrera about this marble well the set fight with uh craig was because craig did say that he's like you don't do anything but like drink man like why is it just. He's like, you don't do anything but, like, drink, man. Like, why is it just me? He's like, yeah, but I'm rich. You're poor. So, gosh. Gosh. But, I mean, the truth is this scene was totally staged. You know, because I actually think Craig, I mean, Shep has been raised amongst money.

And he knows how to act properly in situations. He really does. And he was only acting like a jackass because he knew it was supposed to be a silly scene where they show like that he can't like it's supposed to be like a comedy scene you know yeah and in the end cameron fires him but um it's still he still was acting like a jackass and he's he's like this is where you can hide in case any of those damn northerners come in again he's like i'm from new york whoops gosh yankees so i guess you're not getting a cleaning lady gosh and here's an antique tub i don't even know why anyone wants an antique tub gosh it's like well actually it's not an antique tub it's designed to look like an antique tub and a lot of people like them shep

gosh uh i just wanted to help i need to take more naps anyway you know that's so cute when there's like a rich guy when he's like 20 and he's like yeah i love to put like party and take naps and just be hot like those days are over dude they're over you're just a loser now okay you're a loser who takes too many naps and yes that is a little self-hatred coming in there that is what you're recognizing everybody so uh this episode is called from here to paternity yeah i love that so then i so then the next thing that happens is that t-rab and katherine start bringing they're they're bringing julian home and they're like showing footage from katherine's phone saint julian and what i love is that whenever they show footage from someone's phone bravo puts in the

upper right hand corner a big thing that says like rec in red as if like it's a cam recorder saying like recording i'm like no one's iphone says recording like it's 1985 it's like on barefoot contest so whenever aina garden takes a picture of her food her camera goes like no no digital cameras make a laser noise. It's like chick. It's not a Polaroid. Stop. I know. Bravo.

You don't have to put a recording thing on there. Okay. Let me see here. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry. This was just this morning. I'm not drunk. I'm looking at my notes like, what?

I just keep writing St. Julian. What does St. Julian do? Could you look up St. Julian on your phone are you on the i'm on the internet i can look up i feel like that's like a real saint who did something all right we can look him up oops oh the first thing it automatically did saint julian ravenel okay saint julian hotel and spa um saint julian the sad thing is that st is also the abbreviation for street it's like weird you already have a bridge. Why do you need a street? I'm on Saints and Angels.

St. Julian. Oh, hold on. I've got to close that. Okay. It's a feast day. Oh, my God. I knew it was going to be good. St. Julian, he's the patron of hotel keepers.

No way. Travelers and boatmen. I am grooming you to take over Craig's job. No way. Travelers and boatmen. I am grooming you to take over Craig's job. Well, I can't wait until we get pregnant again. We'll name your sister Marriott. Marriott Sheraton. Sherry for short.

St. Chariot Marriott Four Seasons of Radisson. So they bring the little baby home, this little peanut, and they're like, oh, isn't this great? The whole family's united. Like, yeah, it's great. And the T-Rod's like, all right, well, I gotta go. I gotta go. I got some dollar bills burning a hole in my pockets. I'll be at Jumbo's or whatever the version of Jumbo's is over there. I like that it was so much sweeter seeing them introduce that

baby to its mother the nanny like that was so sweet the first time the nanny has put on a full face of makeup she curled her hair like i saw curler marks in there i was like she got pretty for her new child because that bitch is raising this baby yeah catherine's like did you get the box cutter open her binkies in another box thomas you have to get home come home there's a binky in the box i don't know which one i don't know how to open it is that one of our babies no thomas it's one of the things they suck on thomas can you put the binky together please thomas the rattle let's name our baby binky saint binky patron saint of box cutters so then uh tom thomas meets up with like shep and jd and yeah first it's guys night right

yeah there's a lot of guys that's what i'm saying bitches on this show yeah and jd's like you got a boy hey congrats like, you got a boy! Hey, congrats! Congrats, you got a boy! Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah! Boy! The waitress is his typical Broadway waitress. She was at the table every five minutes and her boobs would lift every time. I'm like, that bitch is going into the ketchup station,

lifting her boobs and coming back out. Do you want anything now, boys? No, get the fuck out of here, waitress. Go marry your katchups. And he's like, I'll have a bourbon. she's like okay well here's pictures of my new baby and jd's like yeah get a cotton swab of a mouth while she was on the boy it's like no jd calm down okay that's a really cute baby assuming it's yours what that's like I hope this isn't too early to ask your baby out on a date

she loves dating children every time we see them gosh youngin' is my dating age nah a quilted homeless person has new quilted jacket and sunglasses on his head why did I say that JD and hippie

they got that hippie guy together that guy there's that random dude they got that hippie guy together they looked homeless last time and now he's like in a suit jacket and he's like i've got sunglasses on my head guys like all right you can stay the big news is that saint julian will not be circumcised that's yeah and they started talking about it with thomas's cigar cutter yeah he's like i want my boys cop to be feeling good his whole life. And then Craig's like, yeah, but you have to circumcise him. Like, what if he goes into the shower in the gym? Gosh, all the guys are going to make fun of him. And Thomas is like, no.

To my boy, my little uncircumcised boy. He raises his glass. To a great giant cock with the skin still on it. It's like, thanks a lot, Thomas. Yeah, cheers, everybody. To Thomas's baby's cock. Yeah. He's going to be the biggest cocked hotel manager this town has ever seen.

Cockyard by Marriott. Whitney and Shep. Yeah, this was like a whatever scene where Whitney is giving advice like, well, you know, sometimes, same cock, he was same cock he was like sometimes you gotta like hang up the cock and you know like be with a girl for a little bit yeah yeah sometimes you just gotta you gotta get serious man about girls and you can't just go out every night with girls i'm like you're wearing a full face of makeup and trying to act like you're settling down you've paid for all of your girlfriends you think that 20 year old bitch is with you because you're so handsome

yeah you think she likes the five tones of base you're wearing on your face? You think she likes your little giggle and his little lick lip? Yeah, yeah. Just go back to read-not-rehearsal, will you? Yeah, no one needs your advice, okay? Yeah. And then – Gosh.

Yeah, Shep is like, gosh. So then Catherine and Dawn, the nanny, are just sitting around talking about Thomas. And Catherine's like, you know what? I feel genuinely happy because I've just decided to let Thomas be Thomas for now until the hormones come back. I realized that if I made Thomas change, his credit card numbers probably would too. And then that delivery would be expensive. Thomas! You know, those two have really learned a lot.

He's learned to let Catherine just be crazy. Otherwise, he'll never get to see the kid. And she's learned to let Thomas just be a playboy. Otherwise, she'll never get someone to open up her Amazon Prime packages. Yeah, pretty much. They finally figured it out. She's like, I always wanted Thomas around until he came over to put over that crib wouldn't stop sweat his ears were sweating all over the house one time thomas wasn't here and

i accidentally bought something on amazon that wasn't prime and i was like, Thomas, I'll never treat you bad again. I wrote, Whitney has an I voted sticker. Shep had one. I was like, perfect. I voted for slavery. Was there not a big enough sticker to finish the sentence or what? It's like, I voted for gosh. Gosh passed by one vote.

I wrote gosh in. My riding candidate is gosh for presidents. So why does Shep, oh, Landon and Shep, is that next? Yeah, so Landon's at home, and she gets a phone call from Shep. That's actually the way her phone rings. She has a phone, and guess what shep says gosh i'm just driving around the neighborhood thought i'd stop by it's like oh there we go i'm in the you know i'm just getting off of work at my dive bar so i'm in the poor neighborhood right outside and she's like sitting there with all these papers surrounding her and she's like

i'm taking this really seriously. Like really, really seriously. So this was the most awkward love scene I've ever seen. Oh, yeah. This is awkward. What was he talking about girls? He's like, I got dumped by that kindergarten girl today. Well, what if I love you?

Out of the conversation. It just came out of nowhere. She's like, what if I love you? No giggle yeah she's like i'm just a web designer standing in front of a boy wanting him to love me back and maybe build my website i'm just a weebly a blog spot that wants to i want you to press upon my word i'm just a tumblr that wants to be shared so um so basically she does she basically says she tells shep that she loves him and he's like he chokes on his dentures he's like gosh he's like oh gosh and then he basically tells us he's like i'm like that emoji that's like what's that emoji of the man running really fast

to the door it's two emojis really but together they spell out gosh gosh gosh gosh my gosh will go on landon with white dog and weird leather and see-through shirt outfit. Okay, so do we already go to this scene? No, no, no, because basically what happens is Shep is like, oh, gosh, well, I feel bad because I never noticed that you loved me before. And she's like, don't be silly. Of course you knew. Of course you knew.

He's like, gosh. And he's like, anyway, bye. He's like, well, it's time to stop being in the neighborhood and then he yeah and then he starts walking at the door and then he goes i'm a good one it's like oh landon so awkward although i do see why landon giggles all the time because when she stopped giggling i was like i'm scared of you she's like just squint stare at you so then we go to like landon dressing in like in black lace this was the next step right next step okay so she's she's dressed in this leather mini skirt and one of those see-through blouses from the 80s and she's trying to look all badass and she's walking under the i don't know why i thought this was so funny

but i was like her tag is showing first all. And then she's under this American flag and she goes, yeah, I mean, I'm excited for this interview because I always get what I want. I was like, you literally just had a guy that you said you wanted walk out and you're going to a job interview where you're basically laughed out of the office

with the same guy that you're going to right now. Yeah, exactly. So she goes, she meets up with Lockhart Steele who is in right now yeah exactly like so she goes she meets up with lockhart steel who is in charleston for some reason and um she's like here's my pitch for a website called rome and by the way rome.com is taken right now it's like did you do a domain search i'm pretty sure that's taken and it's the website is the tower of london collection of royal mounts so it's not even taken by anything good okay so so people are just going to start booking so many more tickets to rome exactly so she visits and she's like well here are like some

hotels i like and here's like a restaurant i like there's a place where you get trouble and he's like there's a receipt from the gas station last week and the and the printouts look nice but basically's like, well, you're here to pitch a website, and there's no website. It's just a bunch of printouts. Yeah, he's like, where's your iPad? Yeah. Like, seriously? Like, I've never seen so much paper.

Why isn't this on an iPad? And she's like... He's like, I think that your pitch right now is pretty curbed. Get it? It's not on my websites. I am not eatering this all up so um then she is just really sad i can't connect you to the angel investors she's like oh put some angel investor in the website's not called angel made her come to the house this

time yeah so he's like i'm not even bringing you into the office this time you're coming to my house okay i'm not leaving i'm staying in flip-flops in my underwear idiot and then he shows her out and then um so then we go to thomas visiting catherine i dreamed i was dreamed of having a nuclear family like uh isn't this the dream family here right you me dawn the two children oh and the crazy girl with the red hair dawn i love dawn like curled my hair how you feeling about your actions thomas like oh good you gotta listen to the wife and the nanny so the number one sign of a dysfunctional family is that he's basically like blaming everything that's gone wrong on someone else he's like oh the reason why we fought so much is because of snowden she's the

one causing all the problems so we just have to cut her out then we'll be fine yeah i'm sure it's snowden's fault it's not that you two are just completely emotionally stunted you know retard on those and then they cut to the baby eating like she's choking on a toy or some shit and then on another scene they showed her she's i was like is kinsey eating the bong well like it looked like she had a bong in her mouth right well poor kinsey don's like hey kinsey you want a cracker he's like yes poor kinsey's as a teenager it's like you treat my brother like he's a saint you can do whatever he wants like oh poor kin Kinsey. Well, my favorite line of the episode was that when Catherine was defending Jennifer, and she's like, I think that Jennifer's a pretty sincere friend.

I'm pretty good at reading people. And I'm like, you know she's talking about the magazine. She's really good at reading people magazines. It's like you're in a relationship with Thomas, pregnant out of wedlock for the second time. I think it's official that you're not a good judge of character she's a terrible judge of character but she's good at reading people magazine so then we go so now patricia's having a dinner party and guess what suzanne the chef is back oh god the only other woman patricia would allow in her home yeah i

was thinking about that like patricia has no female friends club Patricia is like a dick club. And you know why? These guys are bitchier than a housewife's cast. These guys are such catty little bitches. And they basically surround Patricia. He's like, welcome to my home. Welcome, boss. Sausage fest or whatever. It's like mac and cheese, her usual. Yeah.

I put on my formal caftan. Makes Whitney excited. It's time to get serious about your mom so they all sit down she's like i gave all of you a little candy pig because you're all chauvinist pigs so how's everybody doing and they immediately all start tattletailing thomas is like what did thomas say uh thomas thomas where was this well first i wrote rice pilaf and target carrots it's like some target baby carrots they made i think suzanne made like beef stroganoff or something right yeah and beef yeah no because beef because thomas was like my mother my aunt once made the worst

beef stroganoff of my life. And then Patricia's like, how's Catherine's cooking? And he's like, no comment. It's hard for Catherine to learn how to cook when Jennifer is trying to murder a baby. Look at that baby even came out alive. So you know what I loved was basically now that cooper and patricia aren't friends anymore now it's like fair game to just go after cooper which i kind of love and when he's like hey tommy because there's this guy named tommy there who i don't know what is he the new

gay guy i couldn't tell he doesn't seem very gay but i was assuming he was the cooper gay i assumed he was a new gay guy but i couldn't tell but he's from one of the oldest families in charleston so when he's like so tommy uh now that we have you't tell. But he's from one of the oldest families in Charleston. So Whitney's like, so, Tommy, now that we have you on TV and you're one of the oldest families in Charleston, why don't you tell us a little bit about the Founders Ball? And he's like, well, basically it's bullshit. It's something that Cooper invented. And they're like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, they all start ragging on the Founders Ball.

And then they all start ragging on Catherine, which was also really good. Yeah. That's so inappropriate. This old lady. Well, she never has been one to tell the truth. You're going to get a. JD's like, you're going to get a paternity test, boy. You're going to get a test, boy.

Like, well, we already tried that and it wasn't inconclusive. You already did it. He's like, well, for the last baby. Yeah. She's like, wait, you had two paternity you've already done it it was inconclusive i think that means like you're not the father of this baby right i mean what does inconclusive mean we can't prove that you're the father well craig is the one who who told us i think it was an interview he was like well you know it's kind of funny because like when

katherine got pregnant that was like she was dating someone else. So like, oh, so so much for going to bat for Catherine. And then he like turns into a bitch right away. It's like, was the L.A. trip that great? Yeah. You went to a shitty party with fluorescent lighting. Like, really? What did you win?

But of course, he immediately stepped in it again because he's like, well, Carolina Day is not even a real day. They're like, excuse me. It is a real day on the roman holiday calendar christmas wasn't even christ wasn't even born in december how dare you put down that mac and cheese and get your stinky jacket out of my house because he's wearing that blue plaid jacket again i actually felt really bad for michael the butler because um shep got a hold of that bell and every time craig said something stupid shep would start ringing the bell be like shut up shut up and you could just tell michael kept coming out of the kitchen and then not turning around coming out of the kitchen and turning around

god damn it i love that somebody gave i'm assuming this was jd i'm not sure who did it but who gave tom they were like congratulations on your baby here's a box of condoms yeah jd and his scarf and his big boy abercrombie oh yeah and i think and well they're asked like so they're like so what's it like working with craig it's like well craig you know he just needs a little bit of guidance and he's real stupid and such so you know we give him a chew toy and see how that works well we changed crareg's job to wearing a blue plaid jacket so far it's doing great boy so um the mothballs are scared of him so basically the episode ended patricia that landon is a risk taker shut up patricia like you're behind landon she lived on a boat yeah and i like that like chef is like yeah i'm

not interested he's like i'm shallow i'm like a puddle gosh stop stepping in me kids gosh i don't know anyone oh i don't know anyone he's had to have one paternity test much less two thanks next round of appetizers please michael and then who did craig say this to i love you but you're you're easy oh thomas yeah you need to get a paternity test thomas like i love you man but you're really easily manipulated it's like whoa so now you're not only talking behind her back to us you're doing it in front of patricia and her husband like what the fuck dude meanwhile they're like meanwhile they're like hey craig there's a red balloon behind you what whoa whoa i guess i'm manipulated too wow congratulations to me i'm the head of a red

balloon company i've just been just made me president i've been like really working with this balloon a lot and i think that I'm pretty qualified now to become a lawyer I want to defend the balloon so your honor my client here would like to say a few words come on speak up balloon it's okay

stop whining balloon like got money your honor my balloons would like to say that he did not mean to go flying around the room so fast. Your Honor, my balloon didn't mean to commit that crime, but he was flying high at the time, Your Honor. He was on gas.

He was just really sad he got deflated, so. You know, that's what happens. I reject. Your Honor, my client can't make it here today because he got popped. I call for a mistrial. Motion for a mistrial, Your Honor. Ejection! Nope, still not the right word.

Your Honor, I have some bad news. Someone turned my client into a little dog. the right word your honor i have some bad news someone turned my client into a little dog your honor you can't sue a balloon giraffe when it's now a balloon dog your honor my inspection still not the right word your honor my client requests to be wrapped around your head congrats your honor hey your honor you can't even say anything because now you're a king now you're your majesty which i don't know like that was what my client did for you so like maybe leniency or clemency or something

meanwhile he's been talking to patricia the entire time i killed him i killed him are you happy your honor why do you suck your client you're disparate they're like craig it's like they're back at the dinner table like, Craig, are you done yet? I literally sucked the life out of my first client. Gosh, Craig, you're the worst balloon lawyer ever. I can't believe you took the air out of your balloon. And that's it for this, right? This wouldn't be the first. Oh, Patricia.

Yeah. Let's face it. It wouldn't be the first time she told lies. Big lies. Like, well, Whitney's calling himself a musician. Let's face it. It wouldn't be the first time she told lies. Big lies. Oh, my God. Well, Whitney's calling himself a musician. That's true. You could put a caftan around all those lies.

They're so big. Speaking of caftans. Caftans. That's so Persian. That's so Persian. So this is a very special Shaz situation. Previously, Reza as a cat. No one needs to see this again.

So we are the Shah's sunset is picking up exactly where it left off. Reza and Adam just got married in Trio, the Palm Springs restaurant where they give out complimentary peppermint patties. I know it because I've been there. And I've taken

handfuls of peppermint patties. Handfuls. You probably did too. I got you there. And I've taken handfuls of peppermint patties. Handfuls. You probably did, too. I got you this. It's your wedding present. Thanks, honey. The worst gift ever. He's, like, giving him silverware that he stole from the table.

He's like, honey, is my wedding ring just a peppermint patty with a hole in the middle? No, not just any peppermint patty. The dead peppermint patty, okay? Got it in a state sale. It's a version. Did you read that Rezos filed bankruptcy? Yes. That's right.

I'm sorry to say that, but ha, ha, ha. All you care about is your stupid money. And look, he suckered stupid Adam. That's why he wanted a surprise thing. He didn't want to pay for that wedding, which I don't blame him because that's a stupid thing to waste your money on. But he didn't have to pay for a wedding. And now Adam's stuck with a poor person. You know, he's going to be asking for half of Adam's like waiting tables tips or whatever. Yeah.

And good luck selling that condo with all that Chevron all over it. Yeah. No. Now is not a good time to be trying to sell a Chevron. Okay. We're trying renewable energy. Yeah. So the wedding's over.

Reza and Adam go back to their house to have sex. And the rest of the gang, they're going into their Ubers or whatever. And Mike gets a call from Jessica. And they're talking. And MJ is drunk. And she just hates when Mike talks to Jessica on the phone. I don't know why. She feels left out.

She wants to know the gossip or something like that. I don't even know what her deal is. I don't understand her fight. She just got mad at Mike. She felt like Mike was creating a even know what her deal is. I don't understand her fight. She just got, she got mad at Mike. She felt like Mike was creating a scene, which is hilarious because she's the one creating the scene. And she's going after Mike and Tommy. I really like Tommy.

Yeah, I do too. Yeah, babe. Yeah, babe. Just be quiet. Why will you be quiet?

Just let him be, let him be, MJ. You know why you're always mad, MJ? Because you're crazy. You're a crazy bitch, all right?

And he's like, listen, leave him alone. He's going through shit. Leave him alone. And she's like, no, no, no, no. He's like, leave him alone. And so then they pile into the cars. And MJ is still going on. And he's just, like, telling her to shut up.

So her response, she opens the door of the moving vehicle and threatens to fling herself out into the streets of palm spring no kidding why are you gonna cause a pile up on the freeway because you're mad like there is no car making it over you all right you're gonna kill whoever else is on the road stay in the car she is truly truly vita so they they finally get back to the crash pad and gg's like can i ride with you oh no and gg's like yeah it's so weird like me as the peacekeeper it's like oh yeah really well there's no peace being kept not at all well my favorite is that they get back and mj says mike i'm sorry and he's like yeah i'm sorry too and she goes even though i did nothing wrong he's like oh shut up and she's like i did

nothing wrong but i'm sorry i did nothing wrong but i'm sorry mj and then he poor thing has to sleep in like whatever closet they've turned into a guest room it's like a sliding closet door i'm not coming out it's still bigger than his house probably but um uh yes then the next morning the awkward adam wait oh yeah resin adam's next morning oh they're gross i just like reza the world is our oyster gross well it's a gross enough watching you wake up next to adam without thinking of like oysters i think that oyster has hepatitis b so um so so uh so the the feuding continues the next morning morning, it's still awkward between MJ and Mike. No one's even asking Mike, like, hey, bro, are you getting laid a lot?

Because I love your shoes. He's wearing those shoes made out of, like, spiky, like those things from Mario. Yeah, those little spiky heels. It's like the Christian Louboutin sort of bullshit. Whatever. It's like either that or a knockoff. It is. It is like Bowser. It's like either that or a knockoff. It is. It is like Bowser.

It's like Bowser's shell. I've never understood the appeal. But he's wearing it because, you know, he's like a shoe designer now. So, like, he has to stay up on trends.

I'm going to get guys laid. Yeah. Like, I'm doing God's work. Pay less? Like, how about get laid more or less? Yeah. Put your shoes on.

So, Gigi is, she's claiming to be peacemaker, as you said. And in the meantime, these caterers have arrived because there's going to be a wedding brunch. It's going to be a nice wedding brunch. So MJ starts to clean up, but she's passive aggressively cleaning up because she wants to show that she's doing something and Mike isn't. And it gives her an excuse to be snippy at Mike. Yeah. So she's picking up. Mike's like, why are you cleaning?

Gross. And so is Gigi. Yeah. Gross. What are you doing? But to be fair, MJ, it was proper for her to be cleaning. Because there was going to be a nice brunch. And it's like, they should have been cleaning, too.

Yeah. They don't get it. Yeah. Those entitled little bastards. They're two lazy fucks. I wrote down, Ben ben's gonna hate these dogs running around barking at the vacuum i didn't mind actually i thought they were funny tommy and mj boned all night mike yeah thanks mike no one's gonna want to eat brunch now he's like they're boned all night all you hear was that's also that's also probably like the slapping sound you do... That's also...

That's probably like the slapping sound you do here. That's also what it sounds like when Mike takes a shit. Good thing Anna David left, because I think she would have, like... She was at her poop limit. She was like, oh my god. Can't hear about poop. So then, finally... So Reza and Adam walk in. And Gigi has this ridiculous comment.

She's like, well, Reza and Adam come in. And of course, I can only wonder how much sex they had last night. I'm like, why would you ever wonder that? I don't want to wonder that. Why? Why are you taking that place, Gigi? Why are you going to the dark side? They probably had so much sex. He was face down on that bed so much i'm surprised

he didn't suffocate right after their wedding night i can only imagine how many peppermint patties they found in that bed just melted everywhere it looked like a dirty sanchez but it was really just melted butter and patty. So next season, do you think they're going to add this Ali guy, cousin Ali, who wears blouses? No, he shows up every now and then, but it's like once per season. Can we talk about that blouse my cousin is wearing? It's crazy. It's crazy. It's like one of MJ's shirts.

Who does that? That's so Persian to wear one of MJ's dresses. That's who does that? So Persian to wear one of MJ's dresses. That's crazy. His nipples aren't like bounding out of them. And also, Reza, you wear a different brooch now every week. Like your thing is brooches. You're not Wanda Faction. Yeah, they're probably from like a dead person.

A dead person who loves octopuses. Octopi. Octopi. That's so Persian. persian people love things with eight legs like white people are like what's up with that yo white people hate suckers like persians are like more suckers okay i was like leave me alone i'm tired homeboy's like what's up with all that ink and persians are like we love ink ink is great like i don't get it that's so persian we're right down the street from ink we are the voltaggio sandwich restaurant we are we are very geographically in tune with this episode but we'll get to that in a moment so um now mj is mad i said mj is mad for no reason because mj and mike get into yet another fight because yeah they're

stupid because mike is oh mike is tech i don't know it's mike is again like texting doing something and mj is just like coming down on the poor guy i mean it's it takes a lot for us to say the poor guy when we're talking about mike yeah douchebag extraordinary and he is always on the phone but he is but um ultimately she is upset that mike didn't share with her so she is mad because she feels left out she's like what sort of like we're supposed to be best friends you're not even letting me know what's going on i'm like well that's because he's going through a divorce and because you guys are worse and you're evil why would any you totally teamed up against him last year like claiming that he possibly almost raped somebody like why the hell is he going to tell you about his relationship you've been trying to ruin it the whole time

exactly especially because the one time he actually did sort of share with you that like that he was going through a hard time with jessica you immediately told everyone at the retirement party like they're breaking up their marriage is over they're breaking up and he's like what the fuck you know you can't trust her you know yeah even though i love mj like mj you're crazy but normally i understand what she's doing like at least i see the motive but this time i don't even know what she's pissed about she doesn't even make sense she needed a chocolate croissant that's what she needed like like that like what i just did i just had a chocolate croissant i'm happy i'm so happy with my chocolate croissant that's all mg needs chocolate croissant so ultimately though they

do make up because reza finally pulls her aside and he's like listen bitch you gotta like lay off mike he's like going through a lot of hurt yo he's like that's so persian because the way he goes Reza finally pulls her aside and is like, listen, bitch, you gotta lay off Mike. He's going through a lot of hurt, yo. He's like, that's so Persian, because the way he goes through hurt is he's quiet. He's not like a white person who's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's so white. He says words, okay? And then Mike comes out and they talk it out.

He's like, you know, MJ, I need these friends. I need friends to lift me up. First of all, you're asking someone who doesn't work out. Second of all, lay off the carbs. I mean, he's gone up three sizes in this one season. I mean, how many weeks has it been? I know. And MJ's like, okay, Mike, I have to learn how to talk to you. So that way, when I berate your idiotic ass, you take it as constructive criticism.

Okay, sounds great. You know, that's how I get out. That's how I get out. Do you want to buy any shoes? Do you want a peppermint pad? Maybe I get out. That's how I get out. Do you want to buy any shoes? Do you want a peppermint pad? Maybe I found some. So then this whole Palm Springs montage ends with this ridiculous epiphany from Reza where he's like, now that I've gotten married, I just feel like I have like so much confidence.

I feel like I can pursue like all my passions now. I'm like, did you see what's happened with Mike with his shoe business, Reza? No. Marriage is supposed to make you realize that you're locked in. Yeah, exactly. You stay home. You're locked're locked in you better they're just so empowering like now that i'm married i'm like so married like i tricked one guy i can trick the whole world the world is my oyster you eat the fucking yeah you're a bottom feeder so um uh so what is reza's passion you may ask is it it a passion for Chevron?

Is it a double, double, double protein, protein milkshake hamburger from In-N-Out? No. Reza's brand new passion is stand-up comedy. Welcome to the Hollywood Improv. The Hollywood Improv, which is where we're recording from. So he first meets with Lunel, who I've seen her around on things. Where have I seen her before? She's a comedian.

She appears on things randomly. Yeah, I'm trying. I don't even think I've seen her comedy, but I think we've seen her on Bravo shows before. That's what I'm thinking. She's like, I'm meant to you, baby. But I don't remember who else she said that to. Yeah, I totally have seen. Oh, Nini.

Oh, wait, no. Someone posted. Did she do something? Oh, was it Nini? while she said that too yeah i i totally have seen oh nini wait oh wait no someone posted did she do something oh was it nini well it says comic lunel hates on any leaks attempt at a comedy career okay oh i can respect that yeah she was on another show but i don't remember what it was but she was funny he's like can you give me any advice she's like well don't delude yourself i was like what do you mean like put water in myself no delude like if you're not funny don't don't think you're funny because your friends think you're funny because those people watching you are not your friends he's like don't love me it's gonna be

great you know what she was in she was in borat that remember people yeah that was her big thing i was like i know I saw her in something. Bravo, on Bravo. Well, I don't know what she was in Bravo. I think it was just Borat. I'm looking now. I think this was actually, she wasn't on Bravo. It just seems like she would have been on Bravo.

But she never was. Well, we got to the bottom of that. So so i cannot wait to see him doing this so yeah so she so uh in the meanwhile then mj and tommy go to dinner and what i love today how was your day now's the time we're supposed to talk and she's like okay i'll talk i would like to order a wedge salad really i make sure you get she told her the waiter five times but really i want a wedge salad i'm like who orders a wedge salad no kidding what is that you're trying to like make an effort because you know that's a plate of blue cheese and bacon right she basically she really wants to live up to the name of the salad she wants to wedge herself into all her clothes and in any situation like i'm being

really supportive of mike now so i'm all about wedges i want to be lifted up too so i'd like a wedge in a salad form ideally so they they have just one of those bogus reality show scenes where it's like supposed to be some conflict but not really he's like every like suddenly there's like tension between them she's like i just want to feel like i'm an adult relationship okay okay how about you stop wearing clothes from like the child section of lane bryant i didn't even know they had that what are you in that girl's areolas when she was talking were poking both of them were above her dress yeah it's like how are you even breathing in that yeah i girl yeah i don't know i think i think she needs to be to be the one to do the heavy lifting uh no pun intended with uh the the maturity you know lord knows she's got the strongest back

on the entire bravo site well i network i love i love tommy's way of dealing with you just like lig some shit let it go meanwhile elsa is dying somewhere in her frozen palace tommy as elsa let it go let it you doing, babe? Yeah. Like a totally different movie. He's like eating the snowman. Like, look, I pitched my name into that snowman. What's up, brother? Hey, do you want to build a snowman? All right.

Fine. The movie's over. Yeah. Do you want to build a snowman? Great. Meet you outside. The end. Do you want to build a snowman?

Great. Meet you outside. The end. So then we go to Mike, who is in his Pharrell hat. He's a cross street from where we are right now at Red-O. We haven't seen Shervin in so long. I miss Shervin. I was sad that Shervin wasn't there.

Because Shervin's so nice and so handsome. He seems so suspended. I don't think he has a very big personality. I think he just kind of shows up mike's like hey how was your date the other night tell me about i heard it was fly yeah hey i heard your i heard your date was fly mike like yeah well you know i'm taking it as i as i go but like okay look to me having game is making them think you don't have game part of game is not letting them know you have game so what i like to do i like to go to a woman and be like hey you idiot you're stupid

aren't i aren't i hot and aren't you stupid as much as i'm hot you're rubber and i'm glue babe and whatever you say you smell gross you're disgusting and you're paying for dinner what your sayings don't make any sense hey can you do me a favor could you stop looking at your reflection in my hair thanks waiter is like what uh can i help you and he's like yeah we want a 10 ounce bone in it's like whoa bro we're not gay so then mike has like a big announcement he's like yeah man i like i've like i've given up all social media i've given up facebook and instagram and snapchat and like all of it you know because jessica's always saying i'm always on social media so this way it's like a big sacrifice like i don't need it it's like it ruins everything

and they cut to sherbetari and there's people behind them taking a selfie did you see that and sherman's like yeah i read this article and it says that like 79 of marriages fail because of facebook it's like really he's like yeah like just like you know you're in a relationship like first it's like oh i'm on facebook but then you're in a relationship and you get such shit even if you press like on someone's picture i'm like you're not you're not in shit for pressing like you're in a relationship and you get such shit even if you press like on someone's picture. I'm like, you're not in shit for pressing like. You're in shit for being in someone's pussy, like multiple people's pussy, which did not come from Facebook. Exactly. Yeah, exactly.

See, here's what happens when you have someone who cheats and you have someone who's a crazy territorial lady. So if you like one thing on Instagram, she's going to go nuts because she's crazy, but also you've given her reason to become crazy because you also cheat. So that's the issue. You know he's Instagram. You know he's one of those people who follows porn stars on Instagram. Well, he's on Tinder now. Oh, he is? Didn't someone post a picture of his Tinder profile on our Facebook page?

Or someone sent it. Yeah, he's on Tinder. He's out ready to mingle so um then meanwhile so reza guess what reza is following his stand-up comedy dreams and he's going to be performing right here at the hollywood improv in this very space right below us oh reza this is so painful i'm surprised he wasn't good at it i thought he would be decent that he did that thing where he is like what's up motherfuckers like stupid well stupid cock sucking well before before he even gets to the stage so reza sends a little person

and he he sends them to everyone's apartment and like has the guy like hit them with silly string and they all have like really interesting reactions first the guy goes to mike and he squirts mike and mike first of all was in his in his house on a stupid hoverboard then going around in circles again another visual metaphor for his life teetering around going nowhere and uh the guy comes and the guy sprays mike and mike's like clean that up clean that shit up and he's like okay like he did and then he goes to mj and then i'm just like what what what is this and he just gets mj and just like destroys and she's like covered in so she's just like catching it all in her mouth and tommy's like wait i don't remember doing that oh it wasn't me you pregnant yet yeah and then when when when the guy goes to uh see gg

she like has a knife and he's like oh hi i'll just give you a conversation i'm like and he just ran away i'm like gg there's a camera there you'll be safe poor poor little guy um so he's always got a fucking machete i love it so then they um so then they come here to the show they first they go to the lab which is where we had our show our live show they were in there and they ordered everything off the menu there yeah this place has never sold more food yeah i don't think the improv has ever like we're out of frozen chicken fingers and i love their reviews of everything us is like whoa these chicken tenders are like amazing you guys babe babe babe

you gotta try these i want to put a gaft down on these chicken fingers like let's have them at the at the let's have them at the show they went through honestly the improv kitchen is it's still they're still trying to recover from still trying to recover the inventory so so then uh jessica shows up because the whole thing is that mike really wanted jessica to be there because he misses her and he hates going to things alone. Because it's sad when you have to roll in on your hoverboard alone. So she finally shows up.

And they're like, yay, Jessica. And she's like, hi. Yeah. She's like, hi. Well, she makes him come outside. She's like, could you come outside? Because I'm here. He's like, okay, guys.

I'm going to go get Jessica. I'm like, okay. So he walks outside. And she's like, hi. I'm like, okay. So he walks her in. the hell she doesn't open doors actually she still has not figured that technology out can you open the door for me i don't like i don't get it i've been standing here waving at the sensor like it's not opening not opening i'm like i don't understand am i supposed to improv right now?

So they're all nice. And she's like, yeah. He's like, can I kiss you? I forget what it was. He's like, can I kiss you or something like that? She's like, no, no, no, no. Jessica, you either show up and you be the man's wife or you don't show up and be mad. But don't like show up and then be.

Like you can't even move your face enough to eat a damn chicken finger. So you're going to have to do something else. What's it going be bitch to be fair his breath probably smelled like onion rings and jalapeno poppers she's like no you can't kiss me just yet it really has nothing to do with that our pending divorce it's more about your terrible breath so it was mostly his little gang or whatever and then these terrified tourists they looked horrified and he was horrified by them too like i don't think he's he i don't think he's used to being around people like who don't know who he is or don't just automatically laugh because he says things in a funny voice yeah yeah oh so now reza takes the stage yeah so reza now now we're in the main room of the

improv and reza's on stage open mic night and reza is doing that really really hacky thing first of all he starts sort of talking black a little bit he tries to get all good he's like y'all y'all up and y'all are crazy up in this motherfucker am i right i'm like what are you doing all those motherfucker hoes up here these motherfuckers right can i say the n-word can i say the n-word like reza that's so persian you know what i hate like black you know what i totally feel this like hashtag persian lives matter no you can't take everything reza you can't co-opt everything yeah he was really listen like you think you thought you were gonna come see some like comedy like no you're here for a motherfucking motherfucking interview cunt face is okay it's like yelling at all the poor tourists and

they started hating on him immediately they're like uh gross it's like you know how passionate i am like one time i was in traffic and this chinese bitch cut me off like i didn't even think she could see i'm like oh no mike well uh good luck with all your asian clients goodbye and then i like he's like he tells us in the interviews like like what's going on like i thought there'd be like diehard comedy fans there i'm like yeah the diehard comedy fans knew what was going on and they avoided like if you show up to an open mic net i don't think you're a diehard comedy fan i think you're a masochist. Yeah, pretty much. And then, and then, and then he then recites the typical thing that happens on open mic night,

which is then the awkwardness causes him to comment on the awkwardness. He's like, yo, sorry, us crowd. Ain't nothing green. Then he pulls out this bit about his green card. He's like, so I have a green card and look at this green card and he literally goes ain't nothing green about that motherfucker I'm like what are you doing first of all the entire premise of the joke is like

so stupid it was like this wannabe Seinfeld joke in like a deaf comedy jam style it's like you ever notice how green cards aren't actually green what's up with that motherfucker y'all sorry that's crap it's like adding a ever notice how green cards aren't actually green? What's up with that motherfucker? Y'all, sorry,

I was grabbing. It's like adding a little beat poetry. Green, cards, cards, green, green cards, heart,

air, chicken fingers. It's like, just please get off this date. But I'm at least proud that I did it. Cause like, I don't care that that whack ass crowd didn't like it. Like the important part is I did it.

I know. Yeah. The important part is that you just quiet for the rest of your life, please. Then he congratulates himself. And he's like, I'm going to go drink now because I didn't die of embarrassment. I'm like, that's the problem, that you didn't die of embarrassment. You learned nothing.

You have no self-awareness, Reza. I love that all of his friends were like, whoa, that sucked. Gigi was like, it's hurting my face. It's hurting my hand. It's hurting my heart. It's hurting my hand. It's hurting my heart. It's hurting my soul. My butt hurts. It's the first thing to distract me from my RA.

In fact, all this time that I thought I had RA, I realized it was just me reacting to his jokes for years. I don't even want to say RA anymore because I cannot RA for that. RA stands for Reza Arthritis. I have arthritis of the Reza. it's in me and it's causing pain it's comedy oh my arthritis feels better because i just got cancer in my soul yeah so thanks for that so then they all came up to this room right here right where we are sitting they were in this room they were i didn't even reckon because i've been because we've been in this room before i recognized the room the book he says reza takes out a champagne bottle and starts spraying it all over this lovely room that

we're podcasting from, getting it over the couches and the bar of the bookcases. I'm like, excuse you. We have to podcast there. What? There's like exposed brick. Like they didn't even paint the walls. I'm like Carrot Top now. I do prop comedy.

Look at me like spritzing champagne everywhere. I'm not like Carrot Top. I'm more like, I don't know. Like charcoal top i'm like coal coal top adam's like carrot bottom it was painful we've seen a lot of on reality tv we've seen a lot of bad stand-up and usually it's sort of like it's like it's like usually it's sort of like a sweet swing and a miss. You're like, oh, no, that wasn't good, whatever. Most of them, though, I never would think in a million years that they would do it.

Like Ariana, I mean, no offense. But I would never look at her and be like, oh, she must be a comedian. So that was normal that it was awkward. Or Rachel. Any of those girls, you're like, I don't see that anyway. But Reza, I thought would be funny. I did not think he'd be funny. You know, the thing is this.

Like, Slade was bad. Ariana was bad. Nene was okay, but not great. I don't think I saw Nene. Didn't Nene do it once? Yeah. She did, huh? Yeah, she did.

Oh, my God. It's flooding over my brain. It hurts. I think what was so bad about Reza is what what I didn't like, was that he started talking in a totally different way. Everyone else was true to themselves. They just weren't funny. But Reza, all of a sudden, he was just trying to be something that he just wasn't.

I mean, he was like, y'all see these motherfuckers? The other day, I was driving around Compton. Am I right, motherfuckers? What are you talking about like eating eating 10 plates of fried chicken does not make you like stop you stereotypical asshole yeah and also he does that thing of victimhood which makes me crazy and i mean i guess we're all guilty of it in a way because of course you talk about being gay or like whatever your thing is but reza was like well as a persian gay overweight fat hairy back seal it's like what are you like stop just pick one thing you know yeah and like i'm

not a professional comedian but i kind of feel like from seeing comedians that one of the things like you know you know black comedians jewish comedians gay comedians or female comedians you know you sort of lean into like like your culture a little bit or like yeah not being a female culture but like whatever it is like whatever thing that you're kind of drawing on so you know a jewish comedian might be extra sort of like jewish sticky and a black comedian might will lean in into more of like that black comedy style so that's why it's like reza just because if you say like motherfucker a lot or like up in this bitch a lot that doesn't it doesn't automatically make it funny because you're not drawing from like

a cultural thing and also no one knows what you're talking about like really we know more i mean i'm middle eastern so i get some of that but we live in hollywood like we get that culture but these are like white tourist people they're like what's a person like is that a rug and then how can you know i'm like they don't get it and he's like look at this like i'm dripping with gold and this isn't fake motherfuckers like no one else wears gold like that like no one thinks that's cool okay you look like an antique store stop calling the audience motherfuckers and like and i'm just stop saying motherfucker every the word it's like the other day i was look at this motherfucker and we're like hey check out that motherfucker i was like what when you're talking about this motherfucker and i put on

this motherfucking motherfucker i was like motherfucker. I was like, what? When you were talking about this motherfucker, I put on this motherfucking motherfucker. I was like, motherfucker. I don't even know what you're talking about. Anybody fuck their mother? No? That's so perversion. You're so whack ass. It's crazy. But I did like that of all the days that we're here podcasting from the improv,

there's a scene of Shaw's The Sunset right here. It just goes to show no matter how far we go, MJ and the gang are always yeah they went to eat at red o and we got to see both of um mj's big red o's sticking out of her fucking tight ass bird outfit what's that bird on the sesame street big bird big bird what's that bird on the sesame street that's a broke back man right with that bird that bird has a voice i heard that big bird once shat in a paper bag in the back of snuffleupagus's car that was only supposed to be between burt ernie and me poor snuffleupagus oh yeah my gosh that's a real victim here yeah well guess what hey let's be

unlike a raven now and wrap this shit up oh we made it to the end of episode 299. Anna David, thank you for coming on. Check out her podcast. Here's what I have to say to you. Poop, poop, poop. I hope you have a good poop. Everyone, please, if you're in the LA area, come to our party. We don't want it to be like a sad stand-up performance with Reza with ten people in the audience all befuddled.

Okay, so come to our party, Revolver. I'm going to strip. Come. It's at Revolver in West Hollywood, 8 p.m. Thursday night in the back room. Yeah, in the back room. So if you come in and there's nobody in there, find the fat stripper. That's me. I'll be in the back under the TV.

Yeah. And we'll talk to you all on thursday bye texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins that's texture.com slash crappins texture.com slash crappins hey prime members you can listen to watch our crappins ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.