Watch What Crappens - #2995 RHOLondon Part 1: Dental Damned
Episode Date: September 10, 2025This is part 1 of a two-part recapWe decided to check out the series premiere of Real Housewives of London, and we loved it, obvs. Come join us as we enter a world of Wham! romances and... dentistry dustups. To watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Hello and welcome to watch what crappins a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about.
I'm Ben Mandelker and welcome to the show.
Today we're actually not going to talk about technically a Bravo show.
Talking about a Hey You show because we are going to be recapping.
Ladies, not Ladies, London.
Oh my God.
Real Housewives of London the first episode at least.
I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me there is Mr.
Sir Ronnie Karam.
Hi, Ronnie.
How are you?
Hello, Mistress
Randall Karam.
Mistress, Rondel, Karam.
So, first of all,
join us on Monday nights
for whatever activity we're doing.
Last Monday,
it was crappy hour live.
This Monday, it's Amazon Live,
and we alternate between them.
So come join us.
Amazon Live will be at 4 p.m.
on West Coast Time.
And 7 p.m. East Coast Time.
And we'll also be
on the Amazon Prime channel
on your television
unless there's some sort of thing
that goes awry but fingers crossed
we should be there. So looking forward to that
but we had a lot of people over the past
a few weeks say please recap
Real Housewives of London because we're in a bit of a
Bravo lull and we're a little hesitant at first
because a lot of our audience
won't be able to actually watch the show unless they
They get like a, you know, what do you call those things, VPN or something like that.
And also like, what if it comes to Bravo?
We don't want to shoot our load too soon.
But then we said, you know what?
Fuck it.
Or watch what happens.
We can do whatever we want.
So we decided we're going to recap this first episode.
Ronnie, can you give some recommendations of how people can find this if they want to watch it?
No.
Not legally.
I think you have to get a VPN.
And I mean, I went on a torrent site, which is totally illegal.
So, you know, if you want to go to prison.
Of course you didn't do that.
If you want to go to prison like me, you will do something like that.
I've read that people are getting a VPN and getting the HAU channel through their Amazon primes, like they're making it look like they're overseas on their Amazon prime.
I don't know if that works.
And that's why we can't cover it because it's just going to confuse people.
Now, if we did get obsessed with this, we could cover it for our international market because it's not.
not like we don't have anybody over there. We do. You know, we could find it and, and just
have you guys listen to it, maybe. But it looks like Bravo's coming back to life a little bit
next week anyway. But for now, let's just check it out because it's a housewife show. We've
got to look. You know, why not? Yeah, we have to look. Everyone was saying so many good things
about it. And I have to say, I've only watched one episode. I love it. I love it. I love it,
too. It's so good. Bravo. Bravo needs to import this right.
way this needs to be on bravo or peacock like whatever get this to america because this is
already such a top tier real housewives like it is so good and the fact that bravo like spent
two years filling around with dubai which admittedly i really liked the second dubai season
but like the fact that they went there instead of like going to the posh capital of london i mean
Dubai is posh but london is posh with the capital p i mean that's where posh is from so
It's like a waste of opportunity.
Get this on top right away.
Because they did Ladies of London and that didn't really work out that that was done for London, you know?
And I don't like it.
And I love that this show came back and they took a lot from Ladies of London.
You know, they did like, God Save the Queen.
They didn't do the song, but they did actually have a title thing that came up.
They said, God Save the Queens, which is very, you know, Ladies of London.
God Save the Queen.
God Save the Queen.
And guess what?
The queen is me.
But this one did really go back to those roots, and we had some songs like, you know,
I'm a girl, and that's why, because I'm a girl, I'm a glamorous girl, you know,
which is our favorite, like, Trixie Monocle stuff, like back to just girl power songs making no sense
other than just being like, oh, I've got boobs because I'm a girl, I've got lips because I'm a girl.
I'm a girl. I love an I'm a girl song.
Love it.
And the show literally steals from Ladies of London.
Juliet Angus is an actual cast member, but what I actually kind of loved what was so hilarious
is that in this first episode, they're like, let's leave the American off.
Okay, let's not, let's not force her on our British audience just yet.
Like she, Juliet was the tacky ass American on Ladies of London.
And from what we can tell, she's going to be the tacky ass American on this show too.
And they're like, let's establish our brand as being, you know, well,
healthy and impressive and aspirational before we like shock all the Brits with Juliet Angus.
Well, from what I've read is she doesn't even come until way late.
I don't think she's in the first few episodes at all.
So they much she must have been a later edition.
Um, at first I was like, why not, oh, go ahead.
I'm sorry, I was just going to say there's this woman, I think Kate or Katie who seems to be a friend of.
And she's in the later on the episode when they, when the cast is down and has their argument, she's there.
And I almost wondered was she supposed to be.
a cast member and then they swapped her out with Juliet later that was my suspicion go on oh i don't know but
i loved her i loved her too she looked like she looked like and she's like chivroy yeah here's the
thing i what i was going to say is i was kind of i was like why wouldn't you bring some of the
london ladies back because i mean come on caroline i know that caroline's in Dubai but she'll always
move back for a tv show and we do see her in some upcoming clip so she's going to at least guest
star. But some of those ladies were great and I would love them back on my TV. But then I saw
these ladies and I was like, these are actually really, this cast is really good. They're all
crazy. And I love that they're all older, you know, they're pretty much all older, which I really
liked. They're all completely crazy. They all dress crazy. They've all got all this money all over
the place. And it is kind of a return to form of the original housewives. And you can tell that it's
like, let's take this property and make it our own, but they're still having to do like the
formulaic things. Like, oh, the clamor. It's all the cars and the money and the jewels and the
purses. It's just so cheesy and great. It feels like a throwback. Yeah, I mean, there was
part of me that thought, wouldn't it be funny if they brought Caprice back and put her on this show?
But it's for the best. I mean, and Juliet will be a great heel because she's just going to be
so awful and embarrassing. And it's great that they have Caroline Sandberry.
Like, Caroline Sandberg is like a plug and play, you know, like, let's help out a new show kind of thing.
Like, she just always pops up.
And in fact, I would be happy if they slowly layer her in and just make her part of the show just because I just need more Caroline Sandberry in general.
But this show was great.
And it also had all the things you want from a real housewife show.
It was campy.
It was delusional.
I mean, you have a giant party, a climactic party in the episode to celebrate international Women's Day, women's supporting women.
and it's a whole bunch of poor women serving rich women.
That's what the entire thing was.
I was like, this is amazing.
Let's gather here to celebrate all these poor people who get to serve us caviar.
And then you also have a dentist fight.
I mean, that was actually breaking new ground.
I've been fighting about child's dentistry, but that was pretty good.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
And just the whole like, oh, I'm going to have a women's international women's say, oh, okay.
Okay.
That's your first party.
but it's in her home with pictures of herself everywhere and it's all branded with all of her you know her face products crap it's like oh okay we're selling we're branding our international women's day are we i loved it yeah it's great absolutely love it really wonderful
all right well let's let's let's get in as any new show you know we get a lot of quick cuts in the beginning with a bunch of people we don't know yet so it's very like um the girl i'm a good
Who's a queen?
And a lot of little snippets like,
Oh, London is the capital of the world.
The world.
London is just so pretty.
It's a sea where dreams come true
where the streets are paved with gold.
London's just so pretty.
I would love it if just like someone just kept saying
London's so pretty.
And then we see Juliette.
By the way, there's two Julietts on this show.
There's going to be Australian Juliet and American Juliet.
So basically they're like, get all of the, get all of like our British offshoot like colonial, colonial juliettes and bring them in.
We'll get an American and Australian and we'll ridicule them both for being trashy.
So we have Juliet showing off some shoes being, aren't they amazing?
And then we also have someone named Nessie, who I love Nassie.
Oh, I love Nessie.
She gives such nasty looks to the camera.
That's my favorite.
And she does it with a smile.
and she'll, like, crinkle her eyes a little bit
and be like, mm-hmm, which I love.
And then we've got Karen,
Karen, who's Jamaican,
and I think she's one of my favorites already so far.
Oh, she's really funny.
Yes.
So it's a city of heritage and hierarchy.
London is a city where wealth whispers and ambition souls.
Really?
They're really selling us on Monday.
The streets are paved with gold.
The ambition soles and the wealth whispers.
I know. I love that.
Ambition soles.
And then you realize you're just a commoner
and you'll always be a commoner
and never be accepted into the Lord's class.
So then we have panthea, or sorry, panthea.
And she's like, this tiny little island
in the middle of nowhere rule the world once upon a time.
And she's like so proud.
I'm like, I feel like there's a lot of people
that would not be as excited as you are about that.
but that's okay. And then we have Amanda again saying,
so much history and power and class and money and jewelry and scones and sidewalks
and people and lights and bricks and pebbles and stores and jellies and jams.
I could go on. Do you want me to keep going on there?
London is fit for a queen and for a king. It's certainly fit for me.
London paved gold.
It's a pretty.
So let me see.
It's just a lot of this.
Like, we're fabulous, aren't we?
Aren't we fabulous?
And the pantheists telling us what Londoners are like.
They're very discreet and politically correct.
Which is why they added in, I think, American Juliet.
Because everyone is very prim and proper.
And then you're going to get Juliet in here to be like,
you're just a stupid slut is what you are.
How many names you even have, slut face?
Hey, how much, how much, how much, how much fucking Osamping do you take, loser?
So they had to get the Americans in there to ruffle.
Ruffle those feathers.
Yeah, I also feel so bad that London has to do this whole preamble because, like, we're used to it with, like, Salt Lake City or Potomac or some, like, Orange County.
It's like, a lot of people may not have a huge awareness of what those places are all about.
they may have just a big sense.
So you need to have things like Orange County is where the wealth comes to play.
This is where you've got beach, you've got sunshine.
We have all the fabulous designers.
We have land.
We have mansions.
They have to sell themselves.
But London should not have to do this.
Like, we all know what London is.
It's to be like London is where there's wealth.
It's like, yeah, no shit Sherlock.
There's a full on palace there.
Okay, we get it.
There's crown jewels.
You don't have those in Orange County.
And I love, I just love the way they fight.
So we get clips of fights.
And Amanda, who's like the super posh single lady who has the International Women's Day Party later, she goes,
What are you saying, you pee brain, you stupid idiot?
And she's great because she sort of looks like Nicole Kidman meets Claudia Schiffer,
and she sort of walks around with this, like, Ice Queen's smile.
And you just know she's going to be the biggest raging bitch of them all.
And I'm like waiting for that to like emerge.
But right now she's in this polite phase
where she keeps on bragging about the fact
that she once dated someone from Wham.
And the other guy from Wham.
She got the other guy.
Otherwise known as the other guy from Wham.
The right guy.
And she mentions him, I think, 20,000 times.
She's like, yes, you know,
so many people I've been with,
including the other guy from Wham.
Have I mentioned him?
Wham.
Wow.
We call him Tagfua,
the other guy from Wham.
So then Amanda tells us, at the heart of London are the friendships.
I was like, oh, you're a nice guy, bitch right now.
Like, I know, you cannot tell me that the heart of London are friendships.
She goes, this really lovely core group of women that we've been through really
difficult times, for instance, when they change the hours at suffrages and had to wait
a extra 30 minutes to get in, tough times.
What's suffrages?
It's a department store.
That's called suffrages?
Isn't that place called suffrages?
The suffrages was a woman's movement, wasn't it?
Like, weren't those people who fought for women's rights?
Suffrages.
Maybe, excuse me, let me amend it.
Selfridges.
It's called selfridges.
Well, we've been through tough times, like the time Juliet Angus came to our group,
and started calling it suffrages instead of selfridges.
And then we all started calling it suffrages.
And I went to a pot.
And Prince Charles was there, and I said, did you go to suffrages recently?
He said, what is that?
And I realized I've been infected with Americanitis.
So this is that lady, Amanda, what's her buns?
I think she looks like Morgan Fairchild.
I'm putting her up on the screen so people can see.
I don't want to show too much of this because I don't want us to get kicked off the internet for showing stuff.
But I think, first of all, they're all dressed crazily.
Okay.
She's got a humongous bow on her shoulder, which will show some more of these outfits later.
but that's her, just so people can get a visual of what this lady's like.
So she's like, yes, at the heart of London are the friendships.
And she talks in this little, little high voice.
Like she's just so soft and demure.
A lovely core group of women.
We've been through really difficult times.
We're a little naughty, a little wild, a little crazy, a little wham.
I think Oscar Wilde once said, when a man is tired of London, he's tired of life from me.
on the screen it goes ding and it says quote actually by samuel johnson but at the end of the day
you get nothing for nothing and that's all you can say for the life of the poor we're not getting
tired any time soon and as proof of that of us not getting tired any time soon that's why i
always say wake me up before you go go wham tagline time so am so amanda says i love
look like a model, but I think like a CEO.
A CEO who's also a model.
And then Juliet, this is our Juliette,
Juliet Angus.
I love that Juliet Angus is so American.
She's literally named after a cut of sleep.
I've lived in every time zone and I'm still ahead of you.
You're literally behind all of us in America, just so you know.
Oh, no, no, she's ahead.
Oh, my God.
I'm so, I am getting, in the presence of this recap,
I'm getting dumber.
I'm like suffrages, and we're actually, we're ahead of you with Tom.
The earth goes the other way around now.
And then messy, who says, they say you can't have your cake and eat it too.
I say, watch me.
I cannot believe somebody said they're going to eat cake in a tagline, especially a skinny little lady like this one.
I was like, well, I'll bet you eat fucking cake.
Later, we find out that she is a cake maker, which she makes some beautiful cakes.
Also, I don't really trust them because they're too beautiful.
They're those cakes that are like, look, it's a rhinoceros.
Like, really?
How does that shit taste?
Yeah.
Because you had to make a strong cake to hold that thing up, you know?
I think you left some eggs out or something to make it that stiff.
Yeah.
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says, my wife's a stage, darling, and I never miss my cue.
So I think that's a reference to the fact that there's like all Shakespeare names in her family.
So I don't know.
I'm not going to say, I have to say, sadly, I think that Juliet Angus has, she, I think has the best tagline so far.
The rest are a little, like, I think Nessie is of like, they say you can't have your cake and eat it too.
And I say, watch me.
I'm like, I think I need some.
Watch me eat cake.
I mean, that sounds like a video, like a porn video, you know, like, oh, yeah, come on my only fans and watch me eat a cake.
And people are like, yeah, yeah, sorry to cake.
Yeah, it was worth a $20 a month.
Oh, yeah.
I feel like hers should have been something like, they say let them eat cake and I say, I'll make it or something like that, you know?
Something, yeah.
Mine would be, some say, they say you can't have your cake and eat it too, but I did already have my cake.
and I ate yours.
They say let them eat cake,
well, I already ate it.
Fuck you, poor people.
They say you can't have your cake and eat it too.
I say,
I won't go near either one of them
because I'm minding my figure.
And then Karen says,
I may be from the Commonwealth,
but there's nothing common about me.
That's a good one.
Which is Karen.
That's a pretty common name.
but otherwise otherwise good great tagline she has a good and then panthea says as a true londoner i don't
just sip the tea i spill it all right that's pretty good pretty good but also like do you ever want to
invite her to your house no because she will just be spilling shit everywhere she's like it was in my
tagline darling i spill i spill everywhere so the episode begins with um one of our girls
Power and boobs too.
Amanda is driving her Bentley very slowly through the streets and everyone's staring at her because you know there's somebody on a pickup truck in front of her filming all of this going 10 miles an hour holding up traffic.
But she is driving and she's like, oh, it's London at its finest today.
No cost of living crisis here.
So then someone drives up to her and goes, oh, hey, I wish I was there.
She goes, oh, darling, looking good, thinking good.
okay, have a lovely day, all right.
This is just me, Amanda Caroline, waving at people in traffic.
Isn't this what Lisa Vanderpumped when we first saw her on Beverly Hills?
We saw her in like a convertible driving down Santa Monica Boulevard,
just waving to random.
They're like, hello, darling.
I'm showing America that I'm wealthy, but I talk to the polls as well.
Hello.
I'm Amanda Caroline.
I'm a small town girl who grew up on the South Coast in Hampshire.
I came to London while I was around 20.
And as a model, I was very young, very attractive.
And we see her, the truth, truth to all that.
Yes.
And I came to London to find my fortune.
Although she's a cruel mistress, London launched me and made me the person that I am,
which we'll find out very soon is evil, awful, terrible, spoiled and crazy.
You're welcome.
Now here, everyone, here's my little poodle, my pup, whose name is Monty Trudeau.
Isn't that hilarious?
Monty, you look so cute in your little outfit.
True madness indeed, and I love your business shirt.
Oh, goodness.
Isn't Monty, true madness, going to steal the hearts of everyone on this sweet little island we call Britain?
And she keeps, she's always holding this little white, fluffy poodle dog, and the dog we find out is 15 years old,
and it just keeps staring into the camera and growling.
What's my love?
I like, let's get a shot of Monty, and it's like,
Monty True Madness.
So she calls Megan, and she's like, Megan, I just came back from the meeting in Harley Street.
It went so well.
They're going to place an order of 100 units.
They're going to give us a whole branded space.
Get on that business, business, business.
We do business in our Bentley's here in London, where the streets are paid with gold.
Early 22, I started my skincare business.
Amanda Caroline's skincare, launched straight into Saxophone.
Avenue in the US. Literally, we put it in a t-shirt gun and shot it off and it landed in
Saxford Avenue. And I'm one of the only prestigious beauty brands in the entire world that's
made in England. That's right, everyone. I invented skincare. You're welcome. I think it's so funny
how she's like, look at me, a badass CEO and Magnate. I've had my business since 2022.
I know. Amanda Caroline.
I was going to, all right, Megan, I was going to run through the Women's Day event.
Canapes are looking good.
Flowers arriving in the morning.
Weather's looking good.
And so I think we're all set.
We're going to have a party in a very cramped townhouse.
Are you excited?
Here's one thing I think we still need for the Women's Day event, women.
I think it might be important to have women there.
So let's just scratch the list that we've got now.
I just don't trust it.
There's too many penises on this list.
I only want, well, maybe not only women.
Can we invite men to?
Shall we have men? Let's celebrate men's tea. Why isn't it international men and women's? No, I can't brand that really well. Just women. Stick with women. Find me some women. Please. How about this? Ooh, let's have a sorting hat and you arrive at the party. And we find out, are you a servant or are you a caviar eater? And one goes downstairs, one goes upstairs like the old show. It'll be perfect. A great way to celebrate women of all kinds.
I've found out a caviar that acts like poison to a poor person.
So only the rich people will be able to digest it.
And any poor person that tries to eat it will fall dead on the floor.
Oh, can we get some women dead body cleaner uppers, please?
That might be important.
Make sure they don't have the caviar either.
You know, you have to understand person on the phone with me that skin care is bigger than the car industry.
We're just at the beginning.
And I'm building a billion...
I mean, you don't see people putting volvos on their face.
Here.
No, no, you don't.
No, no.
Listen, I'm building a billion-dollar company.
It's only a $10,000 company at the moment, but I'm building a billion-dollar company.
I live in Belgravia.
It's the most exclusive neighborhood in London and one of the most expensive per square foot in the world.
And we just got a Starbucks.
We're so excited.
I pretty much live next to King Charles.
I mean, I'm pretty much in his...
room. I'm not saying that I'm a stalker of his, but I did leave him a cassette tape from
Wham and said, guess who I know? It was Andrew Wrigley. It was really funny. I left the card.
It said, Wham, and then it was signed, Bam, thank you, ma'am. So I think he liked that.
I think he did. So she's bragging that she lives right next to the Royal Palace. Is that really
considered a good neighborhood? I mean, we went there. It wasn't like hideous or anything.
there wasn't like spray paint everywhere but isn't that kind of like a tourist trap i feel like it's a
good neighborhood for i feel like i feel like there's like a lot of bragging rights i assume if you're
near uh buckingham palace like the queen lives next door i could invite her over yeah but you go
outside and there's just like i don't know pudgy dirty people with fanny packs walking around
aimlessly like hey you know where that museum for truman capote is
there's no
how else do you know
you're going to be rich
how else do you know
that you're rich
unless you see
the poor people
downstairs
otherwise it's another person
yeah
to create some separate
I know how wealthy
I am
by the amount of disgust
I feel
every time I walk
outside and look
at everyone else
oh look
there are two gay
podcasters
from America
walking by
talking about
Bravo television
disgusting
so she talks about
how she built
this
she found a large
building in
Bill Gravy
And she totally demolished it.
And I made it into my office, my home, my event space.
Oh, and this week I'm hosting a beautiful event at my home and inviting lots of friends.
Let's take a look at my home, shall we?
And we go see and we go through and we see little clips of her home.
And she's got a whole room that's like her beauty room.
It's her office and it's all pictures of her.
Yeah.
I also loved she has like Monty True Madness.
And she walks into, she like walks into her estate and there's like a servant right there.
And like as soon she steps in the door, she just hands off the dog like, here, take him. I can't do it. I already shot my scene with him. It's disgusting. Get this dog out to my face. Get this mongrel off. It was like so obviously a prop dog at that point. Like just hands him off. Even the way she hands him over. She's holding him like this. She goes, oh, here, take him. She's just like, she's handing her the phone. She just hands our Monty. Yeah, she's not like, oh, can you just take Monty? It's just like, I can't deal with him right now. She just gives the servant Monty like it's a half. She just gives the servant Monty like it's a half.
Like, here you go, take this out to the back.
And Emma, who's the girl who works for her, she's like, do you want some water?
And she goes, oh, could you give Monty some water?
I would love that so much.
I'd hate for Monty actually to have to walk to a dog bowl.
Please, that's why we have you, Emma.
Please.
By the way, Monty, he was woofing to me, and I believe he said his favorite water is servant water.
So I'm afraid you're going to have to use your dedicated water for Monty.
Is that okay if you don't drink any water today?
He's just so thirsty.
Well, I've built this property.
I hope to host amazing events, not just for me to sit here with Monty, True Madness.
Because Monty, True Madness is gathering cobwebs.
You know, look, I share the space with a lot of people.
I'm just a very, very private person.
People might know that I was married to a very wealthy British businessman.
Oh, yeah, I'm shocked.
I'm totally shocked.
And we see a picture of him.
Mark Deish, who owns Amanda's second...
Wait, who owns?
Oh, it's just Mark Deish, Amanda's second husband.
They might know that I have a daughter.
Then we see her daughter Sophia in a picture.
And the Daily Mail definitely have a bit of fixation on my personal dating life.
I should imagine I'm a bit of a myth.
Okay, lady. Relax.
And then we see headlines that says like Amanda Cronin splits from tycoon husband Mark Deich.
Millionaire former model steps out with WAM Star Andrew Ridgely.
Who is the longest legs in Belgravia?
seen out with after Wimbledon why it's the former member of the trying to remember
British bands of the 80s and I'm completely forgetting.
Well, listen, even myths have bad days.
Even myths have bad days.
So Amanda now FaceTime's Juliet Mayhew, who is Australian Juliet.
And this is how Juliet talks to everybody.
And it cracks me up.
She's like, hello, Juliet, darling.
She's like, darling, you look gorgeous.
You look amazing, stunning looking, darling.
I've never seen anyone more gorgeous in my life.
Is that even your real face?
Did you get a filter on the phone?
You look absolutely.
I just climaxed.
I just climaxed.
You are gorgeous.
Are you on a ceiling pointing your finger into another finger
because you want the Sistine Chapel, darling.
No one has been more gorgeous.
Juliet is hilarious because she definitely has Mrs. Crowley vibes from
Downton Abbey, like the middle class woman that the upper class people have to deal with,
who's like, she thinks she's like very fancy,
but she's definitely from a different station in society.
And by that, I mean, she's Australian.
And so she's like, hello, darling.
How are you doing today?
And Juliet, I mean, Amanda's like, oh, God.
to someone of Monty Trude Madness,
I need to cover up this camera
so don't have to look at a peasant's face.
Yes, Julia definitely gives,
like, she's being played by Brittany Murphy vibes.
Like, hi, guys, hi.
Can I sit with you today?
My ear table.
Like, she's very much that personality.
I really like her.
I think she's so funny.
She's so bubbly,
and she's trying so hard.
And also, she gives us looks like this.
I'm going to put her up on the screen.
She looks insane.
She looks like a semi-unwrapped piece of chocolate, you know, that's just crumpled and looking, she looks crazy.
You know what she looks like?
It's like if, like, the alien from alien were actually made of like Godiva chocolate wrapper and she wears like the tongue.
She's like sticking out like, hello, I'm birthing out of my alien.
Yes, like she's popping out of a Godiva.
That's a good way to put it.
Yeah.
She's wearing this gold, like, crinkly, dulci and gob.
Abana thing, like with ruffle things on this.
I mean, she looks crazy.
And she's trying very hard.
And I like it.
I like a little effort.
I just, yeah, and it's a crazy outfit, but I'm just realizing what it is.
I think this is actually kind of like a, like a couture reference to like a Shakespearean dress, right?
Like, it's got like the ruffles around the shoulders.
It's got the big collar.
It's like a throwback to that, except I think it looks absolutely crazy.
Yeah, it looks crazy.
Yeah.
Well, it's Dolce.
And then, yeah.
Well, at least the belt is.
I don't know.
I assume the whole thing was.
So then behind her, we see the dead swan, which she brags about later in the episode that she's got a literal stuffed swan in her house, which is so creepy.
And I just want that thing to buy Kyle Richards.
I want it to buy her so bad.
Get her.
Get her, swan.
Yeah, seriously.
So Juliet is like, pull.
She's having a facial.
She's like seriously, and we see five minutes earlier that Juliet's dog is getting a facial.
It's like a spa treatment.
So Amanda is like, Juliet, I've known her, I've known on the scene for quite a few years.
She's very, very social, which I felt, I feel like if someone like Amanda says that you're very, very social, I feel like that's somehow like she's saying something really mean about you.
Well, when you say something in British, you know, it's like when you're Southern, you know, like saying, bless her heart really means fuck that bitch, right? It means what a loser. So you always have to like figure out what Amanda's saying because she does speak in British.
Julie, I've known on the scene for quite a few years and she's very, very social. I think she's a warm, bubbly, fun, energetic woman. And that really means Julia has been inviting herself to parties for fucking years because she's got some old rich man's money. And this bitch is always trying.
to climb up every ladder in town.
She's a fake twat who's probably on crack.
She's got a drug addiction.
That's what she really just said.
And she has no substance.
She's just an empty, flittering Australian.
Infiltrating our circles.
Amanda is so shocked by a dog grooming shop.
She's like, what?
You're getting your dog a facial.
You're getting your dog a bath.
Darling, I'm in the wrong business.
I mean, washing a dog.
I mean, that's a business right there.
That could be a business.
It is a business, Amanda.
It is.
Dog grooming is a pretty big business.
Hold on, though.
I've just found doggy deodorant in hair shine, which I've just tried on.
I think I'm going to just leather my head with a doggie deodorant.
Oh, any toothpaste over there?
Monty's breath is terrible.
And also yours, too.
You should probably use it.
And Monty used the toothpaste and then possibly lick you on your teeth and gums.
That would be great, darling.
Are you going to come and horse bike riding?
Hyde Park with me. I literally need to check out your horsey skills. Oh, well, I don't know if my skills
will be skilling. I don't know, but obviously I had a big love affair with a polo player,
remember? And of course, Andrew Ridgley from Wham. You do know that, right, Andrew.
Oh, you remember the polo player, don't you? I know who does remember the Daily Mail,
am I right? Good, they love us. They love us. I was really sticking bowling in the arena over there.
we go to meet Pamthea, who is insane.
We get the...
She's like, Ava Longoria and Echin Sue mixed together.
She's fucking crazy.
She's our Iranian queen here, so I love it.
You know, I'm Lebanese.
I'm not Iranian, but like, in America, we're cousins.
So I'm like, hey, girl, hey!
And she's like, oh, my God, she's talking to her housekeeper.
And she's got the gravelly voice.
And she's like, hey, Alia, is my makeup too much?
Is my makeup too much, Alia?
Tell me the truth.
and her house lady's like, um, yeah, it's a bit heavy. It's a bit heavy. Yeah.
She goes, wait a minute. What do you sing is too heavy? But you think I can get away with it?
Like, do you think I can or not? Like, does it look really bad? She goes, yeah, a little bit.
Yes. Yes, Alia for the win.
Alia cannot stand her. She's like, well, I was trying to cover these spots and I don't
understand why I've got these hormonal spots. How good does my head look? Does it look really
good because I slept in this in tight, right? Okay, look, my hair's good. Look, I'm going to
judge my hair up. Look, I'm having a good hair day, right? I look so sexy. Come on, Alia. Say yes,
say yes to the dress, Alia. Bruce Willis has better hair than you, ma'am.
Okay, well, I'll just ignore that. I'm Panthea Parker. I was born in Iran,
and I moved to London when I was four years old, and we left Iran in 1979 because of the revolution,
and I've never looked back. So...
Except when Ben Affleck was shooting there, because those were honestly exciting times for everyone, one day.
I did look like that.
Oh, God, am I still spitting from all that Botox?
Oh, God, it's been three weeks, and I'm still spitting.
Druling all over, and Alia goes, I know.
Leia just adds, like, as she wipes off some spittle from her forehead,
yes, I am aware you are indeed still spitting mum.
Alia hates her ass.
Oh, God, when I was born the filter of my brain to my forehead,
my mouth, it just disappeared. You know, I'm like Marmite. You love me or you hate me. I can't lie,
but I say it as it is. I just won't lie. It won't do it. I love that straight talk in Marmite.
Every time I'm about to try Marmite for the first time, I'm like, I don't know if I want to try this
because it's, it might sass me off. God, she really is just like Marmite.
So she's married to an old, very pasty man who's like, oh, hello, good morning,
O'Leary, how are you, darling?
He's like, oh, good morning, sir, I'm fine, I'm just lying in bed.
I'm not going back to bed.
I just like to be in bed, you know?
Let me tell you the truth, because I will not lie to you, husband.
I love to be in bed.
I love it.
I love bed.
I got married very young, and my ex-husband left me without a penny.
Before I met the love of my life, Ed.
And he ticked every single box there was to tick.
Rich, tick.
And we're done.
Got it.
So.
Totally dead within the next 10 years.
Got it.
Got it.
Oh, darling, your nose looks really bad.
He's like, oh, well, I was at touch rugby last night and I caught a rugby ball full on the nose.
Touch rugby.
I don't know why that's so funny to me because that's so like in America we have, well, it's like flag football, but it's, it's only called flag football, right?
I don't know why it's so funny.
Like, touch rugby.
Like it's, like the standard rugby is you don't touch.
whereas in America the standard is you are touching and being violent and like the exception is that we're going to play it nicely with flags but in Britain it's like the standard is you actually are polite and don't tackle each other but like if you're going extreme you're going to do the American style and tackle each other all crazy I've I'm sorry darling I was playing one of our most popular games in the country be polite rugby much lead with the compliment first of all and end with a end with a handshake nice firm warming handshake
And I got hit in the face of the nose, and she goes, oh, real man's man over there.
That's exactly rugged.
1980s man, darling.
1980s man.
You know, back when men were men.
X-Wam, am I right?
X-Wam.
X-Wam.
People don't realize that I'm actually a champion, polite rugby player.
Like, they've been, I've been told that no one else in the league can say,
please pass the ball as authoritatively as I can.
Oh, Ed and I are like chalk and cheese, which is.
so different, but it works, it works, you know. I thought chalk and cheese, like you go together
like chalk and cheese, I thought that was a good thing. It's not a good thing. Well, it could be
a good thing if that's what you're looking for, but the chalk and cheese do not, they, they don't,
they don't go together. Oh, he has something to the land. I remember correctly from when I took
a class, um, early modern England from the, the Jacobian era, I think it was something like
that some land was for cattle.
Some land, there's something about land.
Like the oranges are like, the origin of the expression has to do with land.
And some land is like not good for breeding cattle, maybe.
And that's like the chalk or whatever.
And so like, the good land is for the cheese and the bad land is for the chalk.
Something like that.
It's great story.
So Panthea's like, well, we've got off to, we just got to start getting some stuff out of the diary.
It's too much.
I just feel exhausted.
I don't even do anything.
I don't even work, and yet I'm exhausted.
I think it was one month before the wedding, I said,
so, Ed, how much do you earn?
And I remember drinking my coffee, and the coffee went flying out of my mouth.
On account of the new Botox I got, I have a real issue with keeping liquids in my mouth.
I mean, how are we going to live on that?
I don't work.
How are you going to afford a housekeeper?
Come on, you're supposed to be rich.
When I see an old, pacey person like you, it's supposed to be implied.
You have a lot of money.
You have no money.
How is this even going to work?
By the way, chalk and cheese is an idiom, meaning that two people are different.
The phrase, which dates back to the 14th century, highlights extreme contrast between two subjects as chalk and many types of cheese are superficially similar in color, but vastly different in texture and purpose.
So I guess they mean, nothing to do with land.
No.
Nothing to do with lambs.
I mean, maybe if I dove deeper, but, yeah, I think it's the actual chalk, yeah, like, that you draw with.
It's like it looks like it could be cheese, but don't eat it because it certainly doesn't taste like cheese.
I never once thought chalk looked like cheese.
I just want to put that out there.
Just going to put that out there.
Sleep at 1,400's people.
So then chocolate was very different back then.
They're like, can we get a wheel of chalk, please?
Giant wheel of chalk.
Do you have any blue chalk?
It's just like chalk with like mold on the inside.
Commercials.
Here comes one right now.
So basically he was poor, but then he told her,
Darling, I'm growth stock, and that was it.
I was like, it was like jumping off of a cliff.
Can this man actually be wealthy?
And it turns out he could be.
I don't even know how you people work, because I'm just shattered the whole time.
I mean, I don't understand.
Maybe it's because I'm doing too much.
As she's lying in bed right now.
And he's like, well, we do have a busy house, darling.
Oh, yes, because we have three children.
Show them, show the picture of them.
Sienna, Cameron and Cordelia.
God.
Who doesn't want to grow up as a Cordelia in 2025?
Am I right?
Sienna, Cameron, Cordelia.
Oh, and also Amir from my other marriage.
But who cares about him?
Get them fuck off the screen.
Let's go back to Cordelia.
My sweet angel, Cordelia.
Oh.
Or Cameron, sometimes I call him, not Amir.
such a wonderful little boy oh look at this we got a lovely invitation to mansion house darling so the
lord and lady mayoress invite me the master of solicitors company and mrs panthea parker
what is it why doesn't it say mistress i mean what's the point of having a title if they're not
even going to use a title send that back have a mere take it over just have a mere do i don't want to
put our own children in danger just have a mere do it i want to know who lord and lady mayoress are
because if they think they're being impressive
by having some place called Mansion House,
I'm sorry, that's like
calling someplace a city town.
It's like trying to upgrade your own house verbally.
You're like, you know what?
We can really afford the square footage,
so we're just going to call it Mansion House.
Okay.
Yeah, it's a studio apartment.
But it could be a mansion.
You're in London.
It should be something like El de Flaba Hall
or like, I don't know,
Gooseberry House,
but not like mansion house.
That just seems so on the nose.
Yeah.
He's like, I shall write and complain, my sweet.
Yes, right and complain.
I thought that was the whole point that I have a name mistress.
You know, it is a lawyer by day.
It is a prestige thing.
He's now all a master of the solicitors.
Because of who my husband is, I now rub elbows with the who is who of the world.
You should get invited to so many ambassadors homes.
I go to Downing Street.
I go to Buckingham Palace.
I mean, God, I just see celebrities everywhere.
I go. Being a mistress and all.
Mistress of solicitors.
I'm like,
so Edda's like, okay, well, just remember,
no getting a Sophie with King Charles.
But is it one of those events?
Well, we have to put our phone down
because if I can't put it on Instagram,
it didn't happen. I have to be able to.
Please, please, please. I've waited so long for you
to be wealthy. I have to show everyone.
I bet on the right horse. Come on, please.
It's like, yes, you know, these things as a mistress,
you have to be a darling, sweet.
But if I'm going to meet King Charles, I'm going to be getting a selfie.
I'm going to be getting a selfie.
Oh, so then Ed is like, well, anyway, I have to get to the world of work.
I'm not familiar with what those concepts are, but, okay, someone's got to keep the show on the road.
But now, let's go to Juliet playing tennis with her husband, TIGgy.
Oh, my God, the show is so good.
And they talk, all these, like, older, pasty white guys do sound the same.
He's like, all right, I'm just going to hit some balls to you, and you just smack them back, okay?
What was that?
Oh, I'm going to hit some balls, and you hit them.
What?
All right, there's some balls.
Oh, what kind of it was that one then?
All right, here it is again.
Can you please?
You said you were going to hit them to me.
Good one, the irony.
I mean, who would have known that I used to be quite.
good at one point. I mean, Serena Williams, watch out. Marina's Narutelove. Who? Who?
So, they're saying, they're going to be played, don't they? Yeah, better watch out. Steffi
Graffiti and Andresus Agrizzis. So Julia says, I'm Juliet Mayhew. I'm from a little
gilaroo town in far north Queensland, Australia. Like a true blue or sea, Mariba is like this beautiful
little place in the middle of the rainforest. And my dad was a missionary traveling doctor, so we
spent, we went to places in the world where no one has any help. And I said, guess what?
If you want a servant, you can get a servant. So here's some help. I spent my life traveling
around the wheel to war zones, helping no one at all, just getting in the way of everyone
else, whether you're trying to fight or save someone. There's me in the middle, knocking,
knocking people over. That's how I grew up, schlobbing around the foothills of the Himalayas.
And to prove it, they show a picture of her with a little local girl wherever she is while
she's traveling and she's like got paint on her face like oh yes look at this little girl you know
i remember this girl i couldn't sit at her lunch table either and she was poor so it's amazing
my reputation really travels i'll just say that you know i spent so much of my childhood
going to these war-torn countries and trying to help people and get them a better life but then at
12 i just were sent off to boarding school and spent the rest of my time and with the wealthy elites of
of London. So that was fun while it lasted.
My husband's Anthony, but everyone knows him is Tiggie.
He grew up in London, in fact, ran the corner from where we live now,
because his family owns every square block within miles, kilometers, I should say.
All right, so we met in church.
He saw the blonde hair, probably the boobs, and thought that one's for me.
I mean, let's be honest.
Look at these things.
Gorgeous, aren't they?
Look at those two didgeridoo's.
You can't resist them, can you?
And then it took about five years.
for me to finally say yes after he asked me out a couple of times and then my whole what about when
you took me skiing to get you remember that like hardcore skiing remember one went skiing down
in an old gillery mountain going to skiing down the slope the slopes and he's like i was actually
quite embarrassed yes well when you took me to we took me on the tartar and i nearly died
afterwards she's saying i have no idea what she's like i'm in a real jillaroo i'm from a
a jewelry town in Maruiba and we went down the Tautau.
I'm like, talking about.
I don't like skiing, do I?
But when you gave me a big lace of champagne,
the bottom I sure liked, isn't that right, Tiggie?
He's like, oh, go, he's hilarious.
Yeah, it's very English, isn't he?
He's charming.
What's the word?
What's the word for rich and charming?
Aristocratic?
No, I didn't want to say aristocratic.
I mean, but the family.
His family is wonderfully positioned.
Let's just say.
I love that.
They're a wonderfully positioned family.
Well, you better plan something pretty amazing for a 20th year anniversary, Teggy.
Got two years to stop planning.
We're probably not going to have a tennis match.
I'd guess.
Look at the tennis skills on that one.
So we have an interesting, he has a very interesting family.
So on one side, he's got William Wallace, Braveheart, the Scottish Knight, a rebel.
Then the other side, he's got Benedict Arnold, a general who led the American Revolutionary War.
and then he defected, so he was looked at as a traitor.
So in other words, he comes from a bunch of people who hate England,
and yet here we are, profiting all of it.
It's funny.
Yeah, he's related to Braveheart and Benedict Arnold.
You know, what's funny is when either one of them were pulled over,
they both were drunk and made a lot of anti-Semitic slurs.
Not in common, you know.
Apparently, we're supposed to own like here for Pennsylvania.
In fact, when I saw a mayor of Easton town, I said,
Oz. That's ours right now. I'm going about HBO. We own this show.
I think Kate, a little message, because we're friends, of course, and I just sent her a little
message, and I said, do you owe me? It's funny. She got it. She got her, I'm sure. So, you know,
I haven't gone back and put my stake in it yet, you know, but I suppose on my side, I'm not quite
a convict, but I do go back to 13th century King Edward First of England. So, I mean,
I think he married up, quite frankly.
So they're still playing tennis.
I love bragging about being married to Benedict Arnold's.
I know, but during Benedict Arnold.
I wonder if it just doesn't, like, it doesn't have the same thing in London.
They probably don't care about Benedict Arnold at all.
But like, in America, it's like, oh, Benedict Arnold.
But they're like, whatever.
It's American.
Who cares?
So Juliet is like, well, Tiki, Tiki, all I have two of the most beautiful children on the fights of the planet.
I'm so proud of them.
Could you imagine if they said, we have one of the most beautiful children and one who's just butt ugly?
So I'll just get to you thinking about them.
We have Ophelia Arabella and we have Orlando Jupiter Patrick.
What the hell?
I mean, obviously it's Juliet, Romeo and Juliet.
Get it, Anthony and Cleopatra, Ophelia Orlando.
You see, we have Portia the dog and we did have Hamlet the Rabbit.
So there's that.
All Shakespeare.
You know, Hamlet's now in heaven.
You know, it's like the real ones.
But Porsche is almost in heaven, but of course.
Yeah, but not quite.
And bless her, she's quite an old Dane.
I mean, none of them are dramatic at all clearly, clearly.
Now, why would you name the, why would you name, why would you not name the Dane, Hamlet?
Isn't Hamlet?
Hello?
I'm just, hello, we're just trying to help you out here, get your Shakespeare right.
What are you chees and chalking this up?
Come on.
So, now they keep playing tennis.
And now we go to Nessie.
So Nessie, I would say, definitely, is the most homemakery and has a stick right up her butt, which I love.
Yes.
I think she's probably always going to be in a floral dress of some kind and always making a perfect fruit tray for her family.
Yes.
She's like, okay, make sure you give them a nice, generous water.
Make sure they're not on top.
Okay, get these together, daughter.
So she's with her daughter, Zaza, and she's sort of like bossing Zaza around, making her do something perfectly.
And she's like, I'm Nessie, I'm a Londoner, I'm not a monster from Scotland, and I was born and bred here.
And then she sort of does that look to the camera, like, yes, pause for applause.
Yeah.
And she says, I live with my husband, Remy.
He's an entrepreneur in the mining industry.
We have three children, Coco, Zaza, and Casper.
And my little golden settler, Charlie Brown, Coco, Zaza, Casper.
Coco, Zaza, Casper.
The children's names on this show, Coco Zaza, Casper,
Ophelia, Arabella, what's something, Jupiter.
I mean, like, and then the other, there's still,
there are some other ones that I just, it's amazing.
They're definitely giving Utah run for its many with the silly names.
Yeah.
People could describe me as a trad wife.
I'm here for my 100, I'm here 100 for my children,
but I work full time and also I look after my husband.
Tradwife.
Yeah. I'm just your classic tradwife who also works full-time in finance.
So she's like making this amazing fruit platter and she goes,
we live in Cherokee.
Chelsea is definitely one of the best neighborhoods to live in in London.
Look, look at all this footage of brands that are here.
There's Bilbury, which they keep on showing.
And I mean, houses can go anywhere up to 85 million.
But we have also a country pile in the Cotswolds where we spend weekends.
It's just an ideal haven away from the chaos of London.
So then, yeah, we see this mansion that they have in the Cotswolds.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my God.
They've got some money on this show.
Damn.
This, yeah, this cast has money.
And then this child is like, Mommy, the floor's lava.
And that's why I'm on a blanket.
She's like, that's very lovely.
But the floor is actually not lava.
Don't be an imbecile.
You're supposed to get good grades.
Get to a good university.
Get on the floor and off the blanket.
Well, unfortunately for you, darling, lava melt blankets.
And you are now a pile of goo.
I'm burning goo. So congratulations. You've died on the living room floor.
Mommy! Stop your crying.
My parents came to London for different reasons from different countries. My mother came here from Singapore. My dad's from Egypt.
I would describe my mother as a tiger mom, and some of that may have rubbed off on me.
I'm going to give us a nice break from the Tiger Mums being horrible storyline into Tiger Mums are heroes.
And the reason we slap our children on the wrist is because they're little idiots and we don't want them to die young.
Thank you.
Some may call me a tiger mom, but, you know, maybe that's, that might be an over-exaggeration.
Get off of the blanket and step on the lover, be a real man.
I know you're nine, but here's the day that you grow up.
I would describe my family as high achievers, as Coco is an academic.
She's incredibly clever for someone named after chocolate.
And I would not be surprised if she or Casper, who is named after my favorite mattress, ends
up as Prime Minister with gearing them up to give 110% and going,
full force and then it shows
her the little
girl who's studying and then it says
Casper and then
it has an arrow pointing to him as he's
like dancing around with a blanket on his head
Casper could be prime
minister. It's like ding! That's
Casper.
Yeah, that's the one.
Okay, all right. Okay.
It's really an amazing opportunity to be on a
scholar program at one of the best boarding
schools in the country. So yeah, everyone
wants to do better for their kids.
And my career aspirations at university was to get out and make as much money as possible.
And the industry that you can do that in is finance.
So that's why I set my sights and I did it.
I worked in investment banking on the trading floor.
And then I walked at an asset management company, specifically in the last job that I was in.
And I just decided that I'm not enjoying this anymore.
And we were in a very comfortable position, let's say.
And so I made the transition to banking, to rearing stupid children who think the floor is actually lava.
So they're talking about her busy weeks.
She's got so many cake orders, you guys.
Do you remember Amanda?
Because she asked me to make a cake for her.
That's International Women's Day.
And I'm the founder and CEO of the Chelsea Cake Company.
And I'm a published author as well.
So basically, I actually cook books, which aren't very delicious, but it does make a statement.
And I'm rich so I can do whatever I'd like.
I found out of the company over 12 years ago, and I've made cakes for the who's,
of London, Hollywood A-listers, celebrities, Echin Sue, people of the same cheer and accord.
I was asked to make the Queen's 90th birthday cake, and it's basically anyone who's anyone
in London has tried one of my cakes. For instance, here's a photo of the Queen's 9th birthday cake.
It's a square, a big square cake, so I hope she enjoyed that.
Square cake, she wanted it to look like it could come from the American grocery store,
so that's what I did. Unfortunately, I didn't get a picture without her face pushed down into the
cake. But that was when there was a lot of family strife. So it wasn't a very fun birthday party
for her. But yes, here's the cake's face in one of my cakes. It was awkward when Liz Truss
came bouncing out of the cake and said, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. We're all
appalled, quite frankly. So he's like, why are you making such a fruit tray, darling? I mean,
it's a huge fruit tray. She's like, have you seen how much?
watermelon our children eat. By the way, never be the kind of mother who doesn't force your children to deal with watermelon seeds. It builds strength. I was like, geez, they sell seedless watermelons over there, don't they? There's a lot of seeds. You're just begging Casper to spit those seeds at his sister's face. It was wild because she was just talking, having a normal scene, and then out of nowhere, there was just like an enormous canoe of watermelon in front of her. I was like, where did that thing come from? Can you even get big watermelons like that in Britain? I was like, did she import that from somewhere? I was shocked.
congratulations you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap for part two go look for the recap that says part two
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