Watch What Crappens - #3004 RHOC S19E11 Part One: Safety in Slumbers
Episode Date: September 19, 2025This is part one of a two-part recapThe dual Real Housewives of Orange County trips come to a close, but not before Gretchen spills some tea about Tamra, and Tamra spills some tea about Shann...on’s dad. You can watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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welcome to watch our crap ins a podcast about all that crap on bravo that we just love to talk about
i'm ben mandelker and joining me today it's ronnie carum hi ronnie how are you well hello
how's it going you little banuni tunes that's going quite well thanks going quite well just
here to talk some real housewives of orange county on monday we have crappy hour that's going to be
at 530 on the west coast and 830 on the east coast to come join us that's on youtube
It's also simulcasts on Instagram, and we talk about Bravo headlines, and at the end, we bring some of you up to chat, et cetera.
It's always fun.
We do it every other Monday, so come join us for that.
And then we, of course, have our glorious Patreon, which includes a bonus episode every week.
This week, we did a trailer on a future Bravo flop, wife swap, and we also, let's be honest.
Let's be honest.
We're going to watch, but let's be honest.
And then, I mean, I mean, I'm sorry, I shouldn't say that.
It is starring Emily Simpson, so I know that we'll get everyone's attention.
Everyone's going to tune in for that.
Everyone's going to drop what they're doing.
But we did have a lot of fun with the trailer.
We actually had a lot of phone with the trailer.
And then we also have crap.
It's on demand where you can watch us, not just listen.
You get videos.
And those videos do wind up eventually on our YouTube channel.
So go check us out there.
So that's all the great news.
That's, we have to start with on this Friday.
And Ronnie, how are you doing today?
How are you feeling?
I'm feeling great.
I cut one of my toenails too short because I don't know.
My toe doesn't know where my toenail ends and my toe begins.
That was rough.
But otherwise, great.
Everything's wonderful in my world.
How's it going with you?
It's good.
My voice feels a little scratchy today.
It feels a little like, you know, when you have to sort of put out a little extra air to get the sound out, that's where I'm at.
It's almost like, it's like I feel like I've been.
like, I don't know, gone through a car wash or something.
I guess we were talking about that earlier this week.
Let me be the air beneath your trachea today.
Please.
I'll just help you anyway I can.
I'm just drinking this iced coffee and hoping it like gets things flowing.
So we are here to talk Orange County and where we left off, the cast had split up and gone on dual vacations.
Some people had the misfortune of going down to Temecula with Tamara and others had the
other misfortune of going up to
Heather's ice
cold
clinical slumber party in
Beverly Hills. Yeah, Elsa's Castle
in Beverly Hills.
So that's, that was last
week and
the episode ended, of course,
with Shannon
and Tamara arguing and
Shannon immediately being like,
but, you know, what's the one who says she was
worried about to drinking Shannon?
I'm right. Whoops.
Yeah.
And Gina's like, whoa, so that's where we start.
And Gina's like, but, you know, I worry about you.
You know, you have to understand, like, for me, like, just because I do care about you
and I, like, know the place you've been in as a drunk alcoholic, you know, I don't want to see you go back to, you know, whatever this face is that you're making right now.
Shannon's just, like, sob face, like, ah, all episode, Shannon just has these little pink eyes.
Her eyes are half closed like she's been sobbing.
Her hair is all over the place.
It's like, I cannot believe people are suggesting I have a problem.
And the best part is that they're sitting at this dinner table that has this kind of like,
it's not really a centerpiece, but there's like a floral arrangement in front of it.
There's like branches and stuff.
And Shannon has grabbed like a small twig with like little buds on it.
I don't know if you noticed it.
And she was holding it in her hand.
I don't think she realized it was like a fidget spinner for her.
And she was like shaking it.
And so every time she talked, this little branch was trembling right in front of her.
And she was like,
um,
trembling branch.
It was so,
it was like the perfect prop for Shannon,
a little trembling twig.
And she's like,
oh,
well,
okay,
I'm never,
I'm never going to go back,
Gina.
I appreciate what you're saying,
but I'm not going to go out.
I appreciate the world.
Yeah,
but to be fair,
like what this all was was born out of something
that I didn't like that you did Timra.
And Tim was like,
but you can't turn on me,
bitch.
You can't do that.
And she was like,
yeah,
because you like shot on her all of last year.
And now you're taking her away
for the sneaky drink.
I was like, oh, that was a good, that was pretty good, Gina.
Like, I like the way that you did the twist on Tamara there.
Well, yeah, people are used to Tamara's game now, you know?
She was like, okay, Tamara, you were trying to turn that on me, but that was me yelling at you.
Tamara's like, yeah, but then what did I say?
And I said, no, I totally get what you're saying.
And then you also understood where I came from, remember?
Yeah, and then you came and tried to throw her under the bus to Shannon and get her in trouble, Tamara.
Oh, my God.
And Tamara has the funniest little flashback.
I wasn't trying to take her away to have a drink.
I just felt so happy that me and Shannon made up.
And I know that that's her love language, going to have a cocktail, you know, getting drunk, crashing into things.
Like, I was like, that's her love language.
Like, that's, you're so shady.
Like, oh, her love language is falling off the wagon.
So, look, I got us.
I got us one of those pads that gymnasts used and I put it next to an actual wagon.
And I set up a keg on the wagon.
And we just got up there.
did some stands.
Her love language is acts of bar service.
It's cocktail service.
That's a love language.
I was just trying to love her because we're his friends by seeing it.
She's so pretty.
I'm a person here saying it.
I just trying to speak her love language because I don't know if you know it, but her language
only has two letters in it.
Actually, really only one letter, A just said twice.
Well, I am, I'm making decisions on what's best for me.
And sometimes what's best for me is a bottle of kettle when in my purse.
Okay, so.
And last year was very traumatic for me because I was in a hole.
I didn't think I could crawl out of.
And I'm still processing the hole.
I cannot stop thinking about the hole.
There was a literal hole in my lawn and I fell into it.
And I was like, help, help.
And it took three days for someone to walk by and say, oh, there's a woman in a hole.
So it was a lot for me to go through.
Anyway, oh, God, I'm trembling.
Let me just ask you a question.
I'm sorry, what were you saying, Ben?
What did you say, Ben?
I said her little twig was like shaking like crazy.
Her twig.
Go back and watch.
You will see her holding that little twig and the funniest thing.
Let me just ask you, Shannon.
What I need to do to make things better for.
That's what I need to do, Shannon.
All I want to do is make things better.
Okay, I'm going to call you an alcoholic in about five minutes.
You've got five minutes.
Go ahead, Shannon.
And Shannon's like, you know, I just.
I need time.
I need time.
Time.
I need time.
Like, I, I appreciate the kind, nice gestures.
And I have, I have laughed a lot today.
And I think that's great.
And I hope that that's enough because all, that's all I can do right now, Tamara.
I just, I just need time.
Have that some kettle one, bitch.
Well, I will accept that, too.
We're great goose.
Yes, and he goes.
It's time of brand of vodka.
Yeah, you know what?
It's like you're both doing the best you can.
And I think that's, yeah.
They're literally, neither one of them is doing the best they can right now.
Shannon's a maniac.
She's got some issues, let's just say.
And she's starting to scream for no reason at this point.
She's just sitting at dinner and being like, you know what, Tamara.
And then you've got Tamara over there pretending to be nice for five seconds and then immediately falling back into that stupid alcoholic.
In about two minutes now.
We've got two minutes left.
Speaking of time.
Yeah, seriously.
Well, I appreciate everything that you've done, and I'm grateful.
And I thank you, Tamara.
I really do.
Yeah.
And as much as this conversation, it's difficult, I really appreciate it, bitch.
And I feel like that's what real friends do is they actually talk about things,
especially when they're alcoholics, and we talk about that.
And I know that it's probably not, you know, that I probably have never done that before
because, you know, I've been on defense, you know, because you're an alcoholic and I have to
put myself against the wall, be like an alcoholic's attacking me.
And I apologize.
How has Tamara been on the defense?
She's been on the offense.
That's what the argument is about.
She came for Shannon all year last year.
She wasn't on the defense.
I just thought we can go back to the house and have some shenanigans.
Shenanigans.
Shenanagan.
You know, I'm glad we got to talk about things.
Because it's fun to listen to you talk about things because you list while you do and that kind of slur.
And you smell like, you smell like alcohol and stuff.
I bet if we lit a match in front of Shannon's mouth while she was talking about stuff.
She'd look like a dragon.
Some of it doesn't feel like I say, Smith.
Question, am I allowed to bring my twig back to the house?
It's sort of like a service twig.
It's to help me with my anxiety.
Please let me bring my twig back.
And Tamara throws a napkin at her face.
And Shannon's like, who threw a napkin?
And Jan says, I just, you know what?
I just got triggered.
Did you mean twigured?
Look at Shannon.
Shannon's twigered right now.
I was like, how do you snap them in my face?
Twig twig twig, twig, twig.
So now we go back up to Crestation in Beverly Hills where the women are still eating dinner.
And Heather's like, that was delicious.
So good.
I was like, Heather, you didn't eat a single bite.
We all know.
The way that we had that, what was it again?
Crab.
Oh, delicious.
Yeah, I mean, it was pretty good for stuff that came out of someone's vagina.
So Heather goes, okay, ladies, we have places to go.
There's paparazzi waiting for us.
Because now I know them by name.
Remember, remember that totally coincidental time when we ran into the paparazzo earlier today.
And then we see a flashback to that lady being like.
Like, I know for a fact that that other paparazzi had no idea you'd be at Disneyland.
As part of the paparazzi network, we all know each other.
And I know for a fact, it was spoken of in our community very deeply.
Heather had nothing to do with any paparazzi being called.
Yeah, because, you know, one thing that the paparazzi love to do is drive all the way down to Disneyland and spend like $150 to walk around on spec hoping they see a celebrity.
it was her assistant and she's like no it wasn't it wasn't that either oh my god what is ringing
in my house everything is turned off why are things ringing ben i'm telling me every ringer is
turned off to go that always goes through my parents have a way they have somehow have been able
to circumnavigate every single control on apple like it doesn't matter i turn everything off
and my phone will still ring in the middle of a movie theater as my parents be like we just
wanted to call and say hi i'm like how do you always know when i'm in a theater uh they have an uncanny
ability also as long as we're talking about it when can we like finally like like when can we make
it more authoritative that if you put your phone on silent it's truly silent how many times have
you put your phone on silent and then you turn on instagram and i'm like i'm on silent why is
instagram playing loud right now why i don't know but it's bizarre i have every single time i have
Everything on Do Not Disturb and still, like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, thing, everything starts
dinging around me.
And it wasn't doing this, I feel like yesterday.
Anyway, but no one is here to hear me complained about iPhone rings, okay?
But, you know what?
This is happening in real time.
On camera.
Don't, do you not disturb Tamara and she disturbs me?
So anyway, Heather's like, my iOS devices are tamering me.
They just won't shut up.
Anyway, I hope you appreciate my feelings about Tamara, ladies.
Was I scared of her before?
Yes, because she's mean.
And I have had many difficult people in my life.
And I started to tell her a story about my father.
So we see two weeks ago, Heather's talking with Tamara.
And she's like, you remind me a little bit about my dad.
Because in public with our family, he would have these outbursts.
And Tamara's like, if your dad, why was he hot?
Was he real hot, bet?
He had alpers in public.
That's what he would do with the family.
And she's like, I don't have appurts with my family in public.
I was like, please don't be such a literalist camera.
Yeah.
No, isn't that me?
So now Heather comes back and is like, so she blew it off.
And she never came back to it and hadn't asked me about it since.
Sort of like, Taylor Armstrong with her acting career.
So Gretchen's like, so what was the situation when your dad like?
So then Heather's like, thank you for asking.
I will tell you right now
Shane
cue the music
my dad died a few years ago
and there's unresolved things
we've gone into it at the groundlings
now I've blown it off for years
and he would sometimes act in a certain way
that you know would be very
uncomfortable for me and my sisters
in public
you know uncomfortable
he would have an explosion
whether we were at a restaurant or on vacation
and it was embarrassing and it was disturbing
and it was upsetting.
I'm like, get in line, Heather DeBrow.
Whose dad has?
You should see my dad at a restaurant.
I was just going to say,
you want to compare it?
You want to compare traumas to Ben's
been hanging out with his dad in a restaurant?
Oh, my God.
I'll let me tell you something.
Heather DeBro is from Chappaqua.
York. And I remember once going to a sushi restaurant with my parents in Jopaquot, New York.
And the waiter, like, the waitress was just not coming around at all. And my dad was convinced
that the waitress had seen him and was ignoring him. And so he started fuming, fuming. And then
eventually he walked up to the sushi bar. And he goes, and he goes, the next thing that comes
our table better be the food or the check and then i had two friends that were there at the restaurant
too and they were looking like terrified i was like no it's just my dad don't it was it was mortifying
but then at a certain point you just start to you realize that you have more power in those
situations you just go dad stop it no god we both got nightmare parents in restaurants my mom is the
queen of um excuse me i've noticed that they all got their food and we were here first so is there something
she's that's her thing like she's always someone's always ahead of her in the restaurant game she's
like they like them better why but their food come i said mom waiters don't sit in the back and they're like
you know what the lady at table tends a bitch serve the other ones first let's just see if we can
she goes but it happens every time and then and this does happen to her all the time everyone else
gets their food and they either forget hers or hers just takes like an extra five to ten minutes
to come out and i said i think it's what you're putting out into the world that's what you're
doing like you're literally like creatively visualizing failure on food delivery you know well to be
fair sometimes my dad does definitely have like a right to lose his mind because one time we went to a
restaurant and we had put in our drink order and it had been 25 minutes and our like lemonade's still
had not arrived so the waitress came back and my dad was like like where's our where's our lemonade so
she like sorry so she went back and the owner of the restaurant came out and he came out
He's like, you know, we're trying to run a restaurant here.
And he's like, say, have you ever worked in the restaurant before?
He's like, and my dad was like, no, but I've eaten in many of them.
Like, okay, well, you think I, the guy goes, the guy goes, he's like, well, you think I,
you think I give a shit about what you have to say?
And my dad goes, you think I give a shit about what you have to say?
And the guy, then the guy goes, well, guess what?
And he yells us over, over the entire room.
He goes, guess what?
We took a poll and we all voted.
And you're our least favorite customers in the restaurant.
And my dad goes,
my work here is done.
That owner was a dick.
So I was like,
that was when my dad's,
my dad's abilities were used to get a face.
He used his power for good.
That shit's funny.
Yeah.
I just feel like Heather, like,
like, I mean,
I just feel like it's a pretty,
I don't know if it's a common thing or not,
but I feel like after all these years,
Heather's like,
finally have a family trauma for television my dad would lose his mind in a restaurant once in a while
like yeah it happens this other trauma you know i'm sure it's traumatic for her but to everyone
else with any kind of parental trauma it's like really that's it's it's like is there is there an
ellipsies at the end of this because i need more i need more than my dad's a dick in the restaurant
I'm like, get in line.
So, but I love Tamara.
It's like, I've never been made in my family in a restaurant, what's your time back?
I can't possibly be like her dad.
Christopher, I'm a girl.
He's a boy.
So this is ridiculous.
Well, you can't put expectations on someone that can't reach the expectation,
which is why I try and force feed my child sweet potatoes.
Yeah, you can't put expectations on someone that can't reach the expectation,
which is why I complain about my mom.
every single season of this show.
So Emily tells us it's difficult for Tamara to have real friendships because she feels compelled
to argue or be combative. You know what, Emily? I don't know where you got that law degree,
but God damn it's smart. I mean, that is some deep thinking there. It's tough for Tamara to have
real friendships because she's combative. You think? You think? Yeah. Wow. And then she's like,
She's like, yeah, I always think, like, she's like, oh, I think, I think she's always
thinking in terms of strategizing.
I feel like it's always like some kind of chess game, which is why I always have her side.
I'm like, do you hear the words you're saying about this person who you blindly follow
episode after episode and defend?
And then you're like, yeah, she's manipulative and combative and she's playing chess
with you all the time.
And I'm really scared of her, so I'm going to do whatever she fucking wants to.
So, um, Heather's like, and maybe that's why I give her a level.
allowances. You give her allowance? No, not allowance. I still give Gina allowance. Okay, but I give Tamara allowances. You give her more allowance than you give Gina. That's not fair. However, I just realized, like, do you know this is like part of the psychology around like what we're talking about? Like, congrats. Yes, thank you, Gretchen. Thank you for connecting the dots that were connected about 10 minutes ago.
Wait a second, I just realized that your feelings about your dad connect directly to your feelings in the camera.
Yeah, you did it, Gretchen.
You really did it.
It's time for a commercial.
It's time for a crappence commercial.
Yes, and maybe I parent the way I do because of this, because I've created my family the way I have, because you can't control where you come from, but you can't.
can control who your children hang out with you can't control where you come from but you can control
your servants that's why they have a separate doorbell you can teach your children to control a maid
you can't control where you're from but you can control your proximity to drake a rapper
opening up and I don't feel like I get to see a lot of that from Heather.
She should share more because it would help people understand her better.
Okay, Gretchen.
So, um, they're done and, uh, okay, Gretchen.
Okay, Gretchen.
That's just such a Bingot.
So, um, Heather has decided since this is girls night and we're doing fun,
girl things together as women who are girls, we're going to go to the
the abbey. This is where homosexuals go to have a good time. Let's do it.
Gretchen's like, no, no, stop. Yeah, let's go. As real girlfriends do, let's go to the
abbey at 7 p.m. on a Tuesday and have a rollicking good time.
They really hit the abbey at that time where there's no one there. I went there this week
around that time. My cousin was in town. We were just going to like have a drink. And I was
like, well, the abbey's good at this time because it's quiet.
and you can just sit outside and chat it's like a nice place to chat but it was like early and
they're blasting i mean the music was like pumping the cars you know it was so loud and there
was nobody in there and there was just a line of strippers standing there so bored like just
kind of pinching their dicks like come on make an effort like they were trying to make them work
and that they're just like yawning i was like nobody wants to see a bunch of yawning
strippers in an empty place with music pumping our brains out you guys we need to like
strippers violins or something during happy hour you know and then they can slowly
yeah they can slowly get crazier throughout the night or something but yeah so they chose to go at
this time there's like two people in there i know and look we all get it you know bars
some are empty at the beginning and then they fill up but it was just funny because the women
went clearly it was like seven o'clock like we could you could look in the shots you could see
there's no one there and they were trying to frame it in a way like no this is like it's party time
And it's crazy, but it was just one of these, like, really sad things where they were pretending
like they were having this crazy wild party, but it was just like, it's like when they shoot like
a lunch scene at a restaurant, really at like 4 p.m. and there's no one in the restaurant.
Yeah, that's what's going on here.
The abbey should have dragged in people because it made it look sad. It looked really sad in there
and looked desolate. It's like, this is what's, this is how far the abbey has fallen.
Now it's Gretchen, Emily, and Heather Dubrow hanging out at the abbey.
It's like, is this supposed to be a commercial for the abbey?
I don't think it's, it's not giving what you think it's giving.
Who would have thought that three gay icons, Heather Debrough, Emily Simpson, and Gretchen Rossi wouldn't have just brought in throngs of gays.
Shocking.
But before they even get there, you know, because they're like, let's go dance.
And Emily's like, wait a second.
I think I've got some fireball.
And she empties out her purse like, oh, on the table.
And I'm just like, again, it's like what I said last week.
I can't stand this like when Emily is like being like I'm in a fancy restaurant so I'm going to act like
I'm going to act silly now like a kid. I'm like oh God just so tacky. Why are you spilling it?
And then she has like a grummy bear that she's like putting in her mouth. And I'm like just.
I mean I was like look about gummy worms. I have enough for all of us. They fell out of my purse.
It's not instead. I keep gummy words in my purse. We get it. Emily. You're a woman who carries calories.
in her purse. You're just fucking hilarious.
Okay.
So then over in Temecula, the other women come back to their, their rental.
And Tam's like, we got to change the mood.
So they are going to, like, they're just like being silly and, you know,
humping around and stuff like that.
Just like, what was that song?
Ain't nobody humping around.
Is that Bobby Brown?
Anyway, Tamara is like, oh my God, look.
I can't even imagine you being horny.
She was like, yeah, I'm like a very much a different person in the bedroom because like, you know, we know that song.
You know what they say.
I'm a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed.
My freak version is going like this.
Oh, do me.
Yeah, like in the bedroom, I say things like I would only see in the bedroom.
Like, live, love, love.
She's just like reading all of her word art.
She's like, kitchen.
Doster, bake.
She puts on panties that has, like, the gather font, but it just says...
Vagina.
Or maybe it just says gather.
Yeah, it still just says gather.
And she's like, you know, I'm like real private.
And Tamara says, you're not like a public fucker.
And Jan's like, public, what?
What is a public fucker?
What?
What?
It's hilarious.
What?
Yeah, she's a private fucker.
I'm like, what?
Do I know what a public fucker is?
No.
No.
So they're just like hanging around.
There's being silly, you know, they're going to go in the hot tub and everything.
And Tamara is, she's doing a whole spiel about how since Shannon doesn't want to wear a bathing suit,
she got them all T-shirts that have like bikinis drawn on them that they're going to wear instead.
Yeah, yeah.
camera. You know what? Shannon feels insecure about being in the bikini. So I got 5xL cotton shirts with a bikini drawn on the front of them. And we're going to make Shannon go in the pool with a shirt on. It's going to be hilarious. It's such a light, I have a thing to do to an insecure person.
Okay, Dina, here's yours. This is size XL. Here's mine, size XL. And here's your Shannon, size A.A. Okay, can put it on.
Um, so, yeah.
So she's like, you know, I just want to be funny and quirky like Shannon is.
I'm just trying to be funny and quirky like Shannon.
Okay, come on.
We're going to have fun, God damn it.
So they go to change and get wacky.
By the way, there is no chemistry with that crew.
They look like they're having a miserable time.
Jen, Jen, I mean, none of them are having a good time in Tremula.
It's hard to watch, you know, it's hard.
Yeah.
So then up at the Abbey, now these ladies are.
arrive and i'll tell you i mean nothing says woohoo let's go to the abbey like gretchen's hair
like gretchen gretchen put on the perfect hair for the abbey this 1960 she looks like the mom
from the wonder years so she's like what's going to the abbey um maybe i should do my nancy grace
outfit i'm gonna wear my nancy grace hair exactly right so
And Emily's like, oh, well, Gretchen, what time will you be performing?
And then we have a flashback to Gretchen performing with the Pussycat Dolls in 2013.
Ah, times have changed.
So they're like that the strippers are writhing on them.
And it's all very exciting.
One of those strippers, I used to go to the gym.
One of those strippers used to go to my gym.
And he always looked so cute.
I had no idea he was a stripper at the Abbey.
I was like, wow, the hot guy from the gym.
Good for him.
He really made it.
Well, the Abbey is all in good fun.
This isn't like Tamara's bachelorette with people putting weaners in your ears.
Okay, when Gretchen hired those strippers and they were exposing their donkey meat with the cock ring and ear fucking girls.
Okay.
It's not that.
And we see a flashback of Heather for breezing the strippers.
But to be fair, she just thought that they were butlers.
This is what I do with all the servants.
That was the trip that ruined Tamara and Gretchen's relationship because they had spent the whole.
whole season like we're friends now
aren't we friends let's make up
and the whole season they were like yeah we're friends now
we're such good friends and then
at the bachelorette party
Gretchen planned all this stuff for Tamara and this trip
and then Tamara didn't even invite her
out to party and she got
really upset about that it ruined
She went out with like Vicky
yeah
they went out and got wasted
after and Tamara's like or Gretchen's like
you couldn't even invite me I planned this whole party
for you and you went on partying without
me. I thought we were friends.
Like, that's your dumb slut.
You stupid, stupid stuff.
Why do you put so mad at me?
I don't get it.
So, Emily is now dancing on the table.
The strippers are strippering.
And, and Gretchen's like, like, wow, I feel like Emily's not getting enough at home.
I mean, she's like riding that cowboy.
I'm like, well, wouldn't you if the option is this like muscle-clad man or Shane?
Gretchen, once again, really, she's like, wow, it's almost like she's married to rumble still skin.
Wow.
So now they dance and they take turns on the polls and Gretchen reminds us that she's an experienced pole dancer.
Okay.
As a matter of fact, in my 20s, I kicked a couple strippers off the stage and took their position.
That was in New Orleans.
That was the old good days.
That was the old good days.
I love Gretchen English
Yeah, the old good days
And Emily's like, yeah, I like
I like Gretcher's when she drinks a little bit
Okay
Like a whole different Gretchen
Listen, I've fucking had enough
Of Gretcher's
I've had enough
Can we just normalize
Not saying the word Gretcher's
I don't think there's a more annoying word
This year, Gretcher's
Gretcher's
It's also it's also like
I hate a nickname that doesn't actually
Speed things up
It's just as fast to say Gretcher's
If not
it actually involves
a little bit more sound because you have to add an ass to it.
It's actually, you wind of saying
Gretcher's, you say,
it doesn't make it faster to say Gretchen
by calling her Gretcher's. That makes that I actually have
no problem with Gretchen, to be honest. I'm not, I
wish I could, yes, and you like Heather
at the groundlings, but I
can't stand the word fucking Gretchen Gretcher's.
It's making me crazy. Stop trying to make
Gretchen happen. I can't take it.
It bugs me. It may be
irrational. I guess it's irrational, but it really,
really bugs me.
The irony is that it was Gretchen Weiner,
who tried to make fetch happen and now it's gretcher's that is trying to be made to be happening yes now
i'm speaking gretchen language so uh emily is like yeah i like you know i like gretches when you
drinks a little bit it's like a whole different gretches and i'm like well drunk gretches i like
drunk gretches over praying gretchen and then it cuts to like this footage of gretchen like
doing some video for instagram in her car with the kid in the background being like
And just remember, Jesus loves you. God bless.
Should we FaceTime Shane?
Why?
That's no one ever in the history of ever.
Why would you do?
Why would you do that?
Even Tim Cook is like, okay, we're going to shut down Apple.
It's like, we will make sure that every, every notification gets to Ron and Karen,
but we are not going to allow any excessive FaceTime.
Yeah.
And now we think you're going to allow.
love it guys new surprise the iPhones are now refusing to show Shane on FaceTime it's like thank
you I will buy that phone I will buy that charge me whatever you need to I don't even care about
your new chip okay yeah this this would be a good use of AI just intercept a call
so she calls and there's Keller and Luke and all them and Shane is like saying he's like yeah
I got a plane simulator for Luke's iPad.
Even though it's difficult,
that I think about what's going on at home,
I mean, Luke is now flying planes and I'm missing all of it.
As moms,
we do need to step away and understand that bodies can be tall,
hard,
and beautiful once in a while.
So back in the car,
she hangs up with Shane,
and it was a riveting call.
And Heather's like,
you know what,
we should have done karaoke that's what we should have done and gretcher's is like um can we find a
karaoke place you think they'll play my song wait i forgot that you had a song oh my god i'm so sorry
i forget but now that you remind me my head is absolutely pounding alfredo do you have an advel
it's you know sometimes i forget that you have a song also so was your song also written
by Richard Marks the way mine was.
No.
Oh, who wrote your song?
I'm not familiar.
Anyway, multi-Grami Award winner
and Richard Mark sang my song that we sang
on TV and that two
podcasters like to sing by themselves
quite often to this day.
I do whatever I want.
Whatever I want to.
God, it's such a good song.
I swear to God.
I know, we should get Gretchen to fill in for
Dr. Jen's part on that song.
Because Dr. Jen, I mean, talk about a temp track.
Like, that woman should not be on any single.
Like, whatever that song plays and they get to Dr. Jen's line, she goes like,
I do my own thing and I do what I want.
I'm like, oh God, Dr. Jen.
So Gretchen tells them, she doesn't leave a song.
She has four songs.
And we see a flashback to 2012, Gretchen singing in the studio.
You'll never break me.
break me break me down you'll never get me to pay his child support i'm not gonna do it i'm not gonna do
it you say child support i say my support stop saying child support
you'll never break me break me break me down that's actually a song dedicated to her aquanette
hair that thing is not that thing is not gonna break
That is good.
No, the player has holes, but it was worth it.
You'll never break me, break me, break me down.
We need Gretchen and Sheena to do a duet.
As long as their besties, they should be duetting together.
I mean, I did not realize that the Gretchen Rossi songbook had already
had quadrupled in size since we last saw.
But I had forgotten that she had a song, but we should have remembered because
wasn't, didn't that song play during her engagement was slayed on top of the building,
their fake engagement?
I remember that one.
You're going to get engaged to me.
I'm not writing checks to your ex.
Well, that rhymed.
A great song, Gretchen.
The song is called Oh, That Rhymed.
Emily.
Oh, that rhyme by Gretchen Rossi.
Oh, that rhymed.
Does Tamara know that?
Because if Tamara knew that you had four songs, I feel like she'd play them.
I'm going to text her.
So Gretchen goes,
Yeah, well.
Tamara tried to be a singer.
However, I have the audio
of her trying to sing in the studio, and it's
like not very good.
Now, I just want to say the exact quote,
I have the
audio of her, because
of course, I'm always going to continue
to relitigate the Katie case.
This is going to go in, by the end of the episode,
the file of Gretchen is a
fucking liar. Yeah. He continues to lie
and change her stories all. Impulsively,
along with her husband. Still lying, still lying
over there. Let's just not call
Gretchen out again. That'll be fun. That's a fun
plot twist. And when she says, I tried to sing her
and be a singer, but she's not good. Okay,
Celine. You're Gretchen.
Are you really judging anybody else's track?
Yeah, okay. Well,
I can't wait to hear more about this when we go see your
residency in Las Vegas, Gretchen Rossi.
So others like, now I need to hear this. Oh, that's hilarious.
And Gretchen's like, no. Find it. Find it right
Now.
You must find it.
Do you want to sleep in a canopy bed tonight or not?
Get the song.
When did Tamara go to a studio?
When she banged?
Bleep.
And so apparently Tamara fucked this producer of this music.
And Heather's like,
Um, personally, I do not know this singer.
Do they know Barry Manilow?
If it's not Drake,
unfortunately, I'm just not up.
could possibly be sorry i am looking close to property next door to the weekend is that what you're
talking about no i don't i don't know then is it the kid la roy he's like no so emily is like she's like
well i'm jane x of course i know who it is so that's like being on apple like who is it
I know. Is it
is it the lead singer of Candlebox?
Maybe it's
Silverchair.
Yeah, silver chair.
The lead singer of silver chair.
He's shine, shine, shone in Hawaii.
Then in Australia,
Melbourne.
I'm curious.
Wait, wait, wait, I'm curious.
Who do you, like, who do you think it might be?
Who do you think Tamara?
Who, what Gen X famous singer might Tamara have?
banged. I don't know, but wouldn't it be a producer?
So I guess they're saying she was banging a singer,
went to the studio to see this singer,
and then recorded something in the studio while this,
I mean, I don't know.
I can't guess. I have no guesses. I don't, I don't know anybody, really.
Amy Grant, I mean.
It was a lesbian moment with Amy Grant.
I'm going to say one of the Nelsons, one of the Nelson brothers.
But weren't they, oh, okay.
Would that make sense with the, weren't the Nelson brothers before our time?
Well, they were like, their song was like 1990.
That's like, that's, that's, that's right in the heart of Finn.
Oh, you mean, you mean Nelson.
Yo, not like Willie Nelson.
I mean like Nelson like, I can't live without your love and affection.
You mean like, no, that's Hansen.
That's Hansen.
Oh my God, if it was Hanson, that would be mortifying.
Like, okay, that's, that's, I guess it would have been really young.
That's awkward.
Okay.
So who's Nelson?
Nelson, they, the two brothers, the long blonde hair, and their dad was a famous singer.
They're both Nepo Babies.
And like they're like, it's connected to that whole like Corny Wilson, Mamas and Papa's world or whatever.
But Nelson, they, they have, they have like a moment in like 1990, 1991.
And they had a song that says, I can't live without your love and affection.
I can't live another day on my own.
I can't live without your
It's actually an amazing song
Yeah, I'm surprised they didn't last, honestly.
Well, the last I heard of them was when I went to Disney World in 2010,
and I went to Epcot, and I was drinking around the world.
And when I got to the America part of drinking around the world there,
I had a Bud Light with my friend Michelle,
and they have a little stage
and Nelson took the stage and they had cut off their hair
their hair was short
and they were singing all their dad songs
and then at the end they said
okay and now this is a song that I think
you guys may have heard of
and it was like I can't live without your love and affection
I can't live another day on my own
people left like I'm not going to sit here
and listen to this short-haired bullshit
I'm out of here
honestly when they had that
long here, it was really fun. You should look up
a picture of them. They were like Targaryans. They're like two
singing Targaryians.
I've got them in my head.
Commercials. Here comes
one right now.
So, Gretchen,
so
Ricky Nelson was their dad.
Ricky Nelson, yeah, okay.
Yeah, that makes sense. He was a big story.
Someone's going to be like, it was Ricky Nelson.
Ricky Nelson was your father.
Ricky Nelson is their father.
So, yeah.
Tamara fuck somebody, probably Nelson.
And Heather's like,
we, okay, I'm sorry.
I don't want to belabor this point.
If you knew Nelson was, I think you would really co-assigned.
Like, it would make total sense if Tamara tried to fuck one of the Nelson brothers.
Like, it just, if you knew what the Nelson brothers look like, you'd be like,
okay, I'm looking at them right now.
Okay, here's what, what came up.
Nelson Mandela.
Willie Nelson
That's not
Lord Nelson
And Nelson
Here they are
They both look like
Gretchen
They both actually
They both actually look like
Kristen Takeman
Here I'll put it up
I'll put it up on the screen
So people can see
Here we're watching on demand
Because this is
This is Gretchen
I have a Nelson one as well
Let's see what
Yep
Uh huh
Right
It basically it's actually like
Lori wearing
and Vicky. It's actually very close to Lori Waring and Vicki. It's not even joking. Like the one on the left
is Vicky, the one on the right is Lori Waring. This is like, you know, this is... Do you think they've made out?
I think they've made out. There, I said it. No, with each other. Okay, so let's remove this
now short-haired bullshit from my screen. Okay. So once they lost their, once they cut their hair,
they lost a lot of appeal, right? Yeah. It's a lot of.
biblical is what happened to samson he was very strong who's like the strongest man in the world
and then his girlfriend um delilah cut his hair and then he couldn't fight anybody and i think he got
killed did he get killed probably because that's what happened to people with long hair who cut
their hair you know what i stand by delilah she's like you know what if you can't fight with short hair
then you could never fight in the first place get this together delilah for the win so heather
is like, was Tamara married
when she had sex with Nelson?
And Gretchen's like,
she just shrugs.
And she says, oh, that would be bad.
Oh, God, this is ancient history.
Who cares?
Who cares if Tamara cheated on her guy?
Except that Tamara's a total hypocrite, of course,
and was coming for Gretchen that whole time for cheating.
So, yeah, I guess it would matter 13 years ago.
And by the way, note how willing and able
and unbothered Gretchen is by casually just dropping an allegation against Tamara.
Now, I'm not offended by the allegation.
I'm just saying that when they raked Katie over their coals and Gretchen saying,
I would never say that.
I never said that.
And then here she is just happily just throwing out an allegation that could be harmful to Tamara.
And I'm pleased this is not a Tamara defense.
This is more of a like, hey, Gretchen moment.
for me just notice everyone just notice how that would have been during the simon years right
it doesn't matter was it never there was never there never was a break in between simon and any
which is oh that's true so it was one of them well okay so um now they go back to heather's penthouse
and heather's like oh alfredonate is here hello hello butler and he's like hey and um emily's
Emily's like, hey, Nate, did you ever work at the Abbey?
He's like, um, no, I have not worked it.
Would you do it? You should do it, Nate.
Take it off, Nate.
Hey, Nate, I've got a gummy worm in my purse.
Ah, ah.
Nate's like, I did audition to be in Downton Abbey, the final chapter, but that didn't work out for me.
That's why I'm still dressed like this.
It is so special that you guys are sleeping over.
So I wanted to make it cute.
The theme is tent city.
Let's go in.
I just wanted to have a nice, cozy sleepover
that involves a full spread, a buffet,
a butler who stares at us,
and canopy beds that are actually just doubles
that are way too small for any of us.
All right.
You might notice that I've put mosquito netting over the bed.
I did this so your pore doesn't leak on to me during the night.
Hope nobody minds.
Okay.
Jump in.
Isn't this fun?
We're girls with beds, with lights on them.
Only Heather would say come over for a fun girls' nights sleepover and then arrange the room like an orphanage with mosquito netting.
It's a hard knock life for you.
It's a hard knock life.
Get out of my house.
Get out of my house.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'm cleaning this place down tomorrow with disinfectant.
Get out of my house.
house.
So they jump on the beds.
I'm like,
oh my God,
this is so great.
And Emily tells us,
I don't know how to sleepover
for her 12th birthday.
And they laid on the couch
and watch a movie made popcorn.
But I go to Heather's house
and I have a custom bed
and twinkle lights and candy and a butler.
Oh,
I feel like a shitty mom.
Well,
one thing doesn't have to do with another.
But,
but yeah,
you're not a shitty mom
because you didn't.
You're not.
One thing I will say to Emily,
his credit. Sounds like she actually put on the better sleepover of the two, if you ask me.
Yeah, because Heather ain't serving carbs at hers, that's for sure. Well, she does have candy,
which I guess are carbs, but she has all the fat-free candy, you know? She's like, only,
only gummy type things. There will be no chocolate.
I, oh, I brought my favorite candy because it's what I, that's how I describe the cash in my
savings. Good and plenty. Good and plenty. Cost of
Heather's sleepover, $15,000.
Okay, you're just, there are people that are starving, ma'am, okay?
You did not need to put mosquito netting with lights over Gretchen, for Christ's sake.
Yeah, get a few air mattresses and put them down.
Let them sleep in your sexy time penthouse.
Yeah.
If you just, yeah.
You're wealthy.
that you should have a big enough sofa that you guys should have all been able to sleep like
like everyone else has a sleep over which is like a few kids on the floor and one kid on the sofa
like that's how it goes she should have had like servants come out and hold them to sleep you know what i
mean just like be human beds just they all have to stand there all night with their arms kind
of out like just i think the servants just get on their hands and knees they line up next
of each other and they like then someone just sleeps across it yeah that's good that's good
could you move your spine over a little bit alfred oh okay perfect perfect thank you
So, um, they all have monogram pajamas, etc. They love that. So in Temecula, it's time for
swimsuit, swim, swimsuit shirts. So they've got t-shirts. Yes. We've got wacky,
wacky shower caps, wacky swim caps to wear with flowers on them. And Jen comes into Shannon to check
on her. And Shannon's like, oh, I'm just so tired. First of all, your, your cap is on backwards.
Come on. Come on, Jen. Come on, Jen. I'm trying here with you, Jen. It's like, it is. I'm sorry.
so sorry, how can you tell? It's like, no, it's because my, my mother, where my grandmother used to
wear these all the time. And I'm not saying that I'm, I'm one to wear a, a synchronized swimming
turban all the time, but I, I, I, I do wear these actually when the cameras aren't rolling.
So, okay, turn it around, turn it around.
Right here, this is a due brow joint that I brought, okay? I brought a dobro join.
And this is like a vacation situation, and Heather's marijuana is not.
like the booth of marijuana, okay?
And, like, you don't need to save,
you need to save that for a special occasion.
It's like an emergency join.
And we're best to me now.
Tell me you are banking on Heather's real estate contacts
without telling me that you're banking
on Heather's real estate contacts.
Oh my God, Heather DeBro has the best weed
in all of Southern California.
Okay.
You can sell your two-bedroom house to my, my maid.
enjoy this is my friend gina she's she's uh the leader in the market of servants quarters
so if anybody needs something jena you sold a five thousand square foot maids home god good for you
she's so talented i bought her that jacket uh no you didn't shut up you won't get allowance
so tamra is like that jena did i do okay
That's okay.
You know, it's like, uh, actually, honestly, I'm, like, proud of you for like, like,
I feel like you did a good job of, like, taking ownership of stuff and, like, also communicating
the way that you feel.
When did Tamara do any of that?
I didn't, Tamara was just doing the tammer bullshit, you know?
Tim was like, yeah, well, you know what?
I'm not a fucking walk in the pack, okay?
Oh, really?
I would never have gone so.
Yeah.
Yeah. So now, Gina's like, you know, I do think Tamara wants to change, but like she's been in therapy for like 10 minutes.
And like, you got to give people space for ghouls.
Okay. And that's how, just that's just how my accent is today. Spease for ghoul.
I don't know what I'm talking like that. But I am. Speings for ghoul.
What is she pronouncing her words like that? Does she even have an accent? Because she's starting to remind me of Brittany from like the Valley Vanderpump Rules, who came.
came on with Little Lilt and now is all of a sudden like,
I'm waiting to see with the Star Wars. Like, where is this coming from?
You guys stop playing. I know. So then Jen's checking in on Shannon and she's like,
are you okay after dinner? I'm just wondering. And Shannon's like, oh, well, you know,
it's just a little exhausting. I mean, it was a lot of shaking of that twig. So my arm is just a
little tired right now. Jen's like, well, you know, you know what Gina told me.
Gina just said, I don't care. I'm sorry. Gina just said,
I care about Tamara.
I've known her a long time, but I don't get into my deep, dark secrets with Tamara.
Because that's what you do with your best friends.
You hold them at arm's length and don't share anything with them.
And then you announce how close you are with them.
That's just what she does.
Like, wow, it sounds like you're chosen a really great friend if you can't even say anything to them without fear that they're going to regurgitate it and use it against you.
Yeah.
So, Jen's like, yeah, her cycle's never going to stop.
That's just who she is.
But let's have some fun.
Spoiler alert, they don't ever.
This is miserable.
This trip is miserable.
Shannon's miserable.
Shannon really is the big downer on this trip.
Like whatever she thinks about Tamara,
she's still being extremely tiring on television.
It's like, come on, perk up, perk up.
So now they decide to go have fun.
And then back at Heather's penthouse, Heather's penthouse,
Gretchen and Emily are now in Heather's room, I guess,
on her clothes and throwing her fendi boxes around and putting on fur coats.
I didn't know what was going on in this situation.
This was definitely like the movie that did come out like in 1991 where like the poor
children got like brought into like the rich family and then they start like raiding the
evil step mom's closet and like putting on coats and like oversized hats and heels and
it's silly and then she comes in and yells at them and they hatch a plan to like throw eggs at
her and make her life torture.
Or, you know, it just, I was like, that sounds really good, actually.
What's that movie?
It's called The Gretchen Trap.
I'm really into orphan movies.
When I was a kid, my dream was that I was adopted and my real parents were out there somewhere.
And I love that movie, Annie.
And I lived on the second, my bedroom was on the second story.
And so I used to open my window and I used to sit on the windowsill and just sing out to the street.
maybe far away
or may I would sing songs from Annie
like I was an orphan to the whole street
it was like 10
the orphan genre
just love it
wasn't there that movie the journey of
Natty Gann I remember
it wasn't like a girl who was like orphaned
who was just trying to find something like
Was that the girl who ran away
and like put all her stuff in a bindle
and then met like the
the gangsters on the train tracks or whatever.
Was that what that was?
I think so.
No, that was seeking Savannah or searching for Savannah or something like that.
Oh, God, those were so good.
And my mom was like, get in your room or you're going to be grounded.
And I was like, no, I'm adopted.
I'm going to find my real parents.
And she's like, Ronnie, look at your toes.
You've got webbed feet.
You're ours.
Because the Lebanese side, we all have webbed toes.
She's like, just look at their feet.
Your dream is dead.
I hate to break it to you, but your parents are alive.
Now, get in the car.
We're going to the restaurant to make a scene.
Get in the car.
We're going to Alvila so I can be served last.
If I were an orphan.
I got to have a dream.
Okay.
So we're back at the penthouse and they're doing like pillow fights and stuff.
And Gretchen's just wasted rolling around in Heather's furs.
I'm saying, I need this coat in my life.
I feel like I'm fabulous.
Oh, my gosh.
This is what it would be like to be a billionaire.
And then Ben Mandelker walks in the room.
I'm sorry.
I meant Heather DeBrow with a look of disgust on her face.
And she's like, what, Gretcher's?
What is wrong with you?
Note how I used Gretcher.
which shows that I have fun and relatable
because I use your nickname.
It doesn't even make sense.
She's like,
Oh, everything is fine, Heather.
Everything is fun.
Heather is like,
I don't know if you realize this,
but I sanction off a small part of my apartment
to have silly fun times,
and this is not in the silly fun time zone.
I do have to insist that we leave here
and resume all pillow fighting
in the living room slash orphanage.
Thank you for...
Alfredo is leading out the other,
Alfredo in handcuffs.
He's like, what did I do?
This is what you get for letting them pass the rope.
You have one job.
Actually, two jobs if you include bringing silverware to know.
Well, I guess we're not making the human bed tonight.
We're down in Alfredo.
All right, everybody.
Let's come back to the lighthearted room.
Hmm.
Hmm.
I feel like I got in trouble with mom.
You did.
actually. You feel that way because you did.
It's fine. The pillows are fine. Everything is going to be fine.
Oh, good. We are back in the zone of fun. Hey, does anybody want pizza? Pizza. It's a round
dough thing with cheese and tomato sauce. I once used a slice of it to show I was relatable in New York
when I dropped some of it on my knee. It was hilarious. Look, I found a whole box of it in my kitchen.
Come have some.
Would anybody like to have the most light-hearted meal on the planet, pizza?
Let's do it.
How fun is this?
Wow.
So, Emily is like, I need a volume.
Hey, Nate, you ever work at the Abbey?
I'm just going to ask you one more time, just to remind you.
He's like, I have not.
So they eat pizza.
And now the grilling begins.
Emily's like, so let's, Heather goes, let's talk shit about people.
Okay, Gretchen, I'm still intrigued by this song of timbers.
Was it a pop song?
She's like, I don't freaking remember.
What the heck am I supposed to know about it?
I don't know nothing.
You can't do nothing to me.
Gretchen's all wasted.
She was like, Lisa.
I'm talking about I need some pizza.
You better call 911 one and give me some pizza.
Why do you have her singing, first and foremost?
No, because somebody sent it to Slade.
So you just kept it.
Well, I mean, Heather, yes.
Of course you keep something like that.
What are you going to delete it?
Come on.
Of course you keep it.
Of course you keep it.
As Tamara singing, singing a Nelson song.
I can't get me about your love it at that.
Should do me.
Do me right now.
Let's laugh.
Love, yeah, baby.
She was really ahead of her time if she was singing that in 1991.
Oh, yeah.
And Gretchen's like.
Because someone sent it to Slade, that's why.
So you kept it.
No, they sent it to him, and he just had it.
Wait a minute, why does Slade have it?
Does he have an archive?
Ask him for the song.
I just want to hear this song.
Oh, you guys are going to get me in trouble.
I want to hear it too.
Come on, let's jam to it.
Gretter's.
Go get your phone.
Gretcher's.
I'm like pulling off my skin on the other side of the TV.
I'm like, please stop saying Gretcher's.
It's so funny, Gretcher's.
It's just like one millimeter away from just being Gretchen just in the hour down a little bit.
So Emily's like, oh, I hear it.
So Gretchen says, yeah, this is not good.
This could be like really bad.
Oh, my God.
I don't want to show it.
They want to show it, you guys.
World War 9 is about to happen, guys.
World War mine.
I honestly believe that Gretchen does not know how many World Wars are there been.
World War night is about to happen.
So back into Nebula, Shannon's like, look, I can stamp the crackers and synchronize screaming.
Like, oh, my God, Shannon said screaming.
What is, oh, she's putting together a snack tray, I see.
Yeah, she meant to say swimming.
And she sort of lays out the, she lays out the crackers with the flourish because it's like synchronized swimming.
And Tamara's like, we should take a picture.
And Jen tells us, okay, see, this is the stuff I love.
This is a girl's trip.
you know putting crackers on a tray that's what we live for those moments and tamera's got fun
you know ups you know ups for episode for us stuff for us to go swimming in and when i get back
i'm going to think about what our friend was like before all this and you know tamara and i had fun
and tamara's a good time you know and tamara is they're like taking photos and then gina does
this whole bit about how shannon's like the madam of the synchronized swim team and they do like
this whole bit of like Shannon being a synchronized swimmer and it's like silliness and
Temecula. Yeah, they're, they're having a crazy time.
Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one, of a two-part recap. For part two,
go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers.
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