Watch What Crappens - #301: Awaken the Giant Carny Within

Episode Date: June 15, 2016

Timestamps below! Real Housewives of Dallas had its first season finale this week, and we celebrate by getting really angry at stuff. Then it’s off to Southern Charm for a drunk old white guy tell off session. Also, Reza does the entire past season of RHOBH plotline in one episode of Shahs of Sunset. Timestamps: 0-17:40 Crappens Mailbag 17:40 Real Housewives Season Finale 1:11:40 Southern Charm 1:57:35 Shahs of Sunset See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins. That's texture.com slash crappins. Texture.com slash crappins. Watch What Crappens would like to thank its gorgeous premium sponsors, Cassie Bogolsky and Christy Doherty.

We love you girls. Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast. The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on ye olde brahvs. Hello everybody, it's me Ronnie with Ben from B-Side Blog and the Banter Blender Podcast. Hello Ben. Hi Ronnie. I love you Ben. It's number 301. 301.

What are we going to do? Well, listen. I literally have the music from Big Business in my head. So I feel like that's already a good sign. And I'm not even saying that to get in a Big Business reference. I truly have the music in my head. Which one? The beginning?

No. Although, ironically, i was listening to that earlier today sing sing sing i was literally listening to that earlier today no i always get the cheesy 80s score from that movie in my head it's like a it's like a generic synthesizer score. It's like... And there's like a saxophone. What I would give to have an mp3 of that song. If only they had released

that on a soundtrack. Screen record, darling. It's not the same with their sound effects thank you know thank you so much to everybody who came out to our party in west hollywood we had so much fun with you guys it was fabulous we had a great time so many people showed up and we even craig and brandon from um the newlyweds the first year came and they brought tabasum from The Singles Project. We love you guys.

I actually thought I knew her when I walked up. Me too. I was like, so good to see you again. She said, I don't think we've met, have we? I did the same thing to her, too, because The Singles Project was just long enough away that I don't really remember it, but I had a vague recollection of her face,

so I was like, oh, oh hey and then i was like i don't know when i well when i met her i did because i watch that show so i remembered every like it came over like a flood i was like oh you you know like the light goes on i saw everything it was a flash before my eyes well i remember when she said singles product i remember exactly who she was but at first i was like i recognized the face didn't know where from so i was just like oh we're friends i think she barbecued meat for a younger man yeah she was somehow that's burned into my brain um so thank you to everybody who came it was really great hanging out with you guys and we've actually seen a lot of you a few times now so we're becoming like real life friends yeah and that was the perfect party too, because there were butts and penises everywhere.

It was in a gay bar with strippers on the bars and stuff, like dropping their, you know, bananas on people's heads. It was hilarious and the perfect way to have this party. And Matt Whitfield was there too. Matty Whitfield, Matt Whitfield,

still hot and now has hot boyfriend as well. Yeah. Good for Matt. Good for Matt Whitfield. Yeah. A hot has a hot boyfriend as well. Yeah, good for Matt. Good for a Matt Whitfield. A hot, funny boyfriend. Very funny. He's like a professional comedian who gets his name up on the marquee for the laugh factory and such. Hell yeah.

So thank you to everybody who came out. We love you guys. And I have to get through the beginning stuff so we can do our show. We've got a ton of shows to talk about today. the beginning stuff so we can do our show we've got a ton of shows to talk about today yeah so come to facebook.com slash watch what crap is to talk with us during the week and to post as the shows air during the live show threads and come over to uh patreon.com slash watch what crap is if you want to be a premium subscriber you'll get bonus episodes like the one we just did which is just a barrel of monkeys oh yeah it's the feel bad bonus

episode of the year no kidding if you want to cry and then get really angry and then cry and then be angry for a completely different reason and be crying about a completely different reason the bonus episode is for you yeah because we all we did was talk about food network star and those are the emotions that we felt oh god we could i couldn't even do it i was like we can't put in the title um like gay pride massacre and the food network star room service edition it's like we can't well anyway that's at patreon.com both are fronts to mankind though yes no uh honestly that bonus episode was really helpful to me because

i mean we we yammer on for an hour about everything and um you know if by the way if anyone disagrees with us like you know we welcome the discussion for me it was just like really helpful to just vent about it because i really haven't had a chance to. And, and, you know, as we mentioned the bonus episode, there were so many Facebook things out there. And so it was nice to finally be able to just like, say what was what's been on my mind. So, so if it if it winds up being insufferable, I apologize, but just know it was really helpful for me. Well, you know, we talked it out. We talked it out. That's right. Everybody's going through going through it you know we tried to talk about everybody's side because

every it's you know when something like this happens it's bad all around like no one in the country is psyched right now no one's going to work like with pep in their step today you know unless they're sociopaths that's right like us we have we'll still have some pep in the podcast well i got it out i'm fine now i know how to work through my my issues yeah we had we had to have that bonus episode so that way we could get back to being snarky motherfuckers right now yeah place your anger where it belongs housewives yes so let's begin. Do you have any special things to talk about today? Well, perhaps we should take a look inside the Krappens mailbag. It's the mailbag lady.

Your mailbag lady is a goat. Your mailbag lady is a goat. So apologies, by the way, because I forgot to put up the Rapids mailbag post until like right before the show. So we only have, I think, three questions to start us off. But why don't we start with the Quintinars. I think these are new questioners. So the Quintinarsars say, I'll limit my questions in the future, but I finally upgraded on Patreon because these questions were building up in me. Gosh!

Okay. All right, then take one and then we'll use the one for next time. Well, it's fine because we're thin on the mailbag. I love being thin, darling. Yes, darling. Number one. Can you please do a Shep gosh off? Whoever laughs or gets bored first loses.

Just saying gosh back and forth. Oh, that's pretty easy. Okay. Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. Gosh.

Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. Gosh.

Gosh, Kristen. Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. All right, I'm going to call it there. You win, Ronnie. Why? Because you called it? Well, I gave up first gosh i can't believe you're

right gosh i can't believe i gave up first gosh i can't believe you gave me that one gosh okay number two inspired by a comment on your facebook page. Please do a knock-knock joke between Ray from Real Housewives of New York and James from Vanderpump Rules. Friends who? I don't... Okay, so which one do you want to be? I'll be... This is a good one. I like this one.

Well, I want to be Ray, but I know that's so selfish. You can be Ray. Okay, you be James. Am I telling the joke? No no i think you have to tell it yeah uh meaning that i'll i'll be knocking on the door yeah you're the knock knocker knock knock you stupid bitch knock knock who bitch knock knock it's a dj knock knock who do you know nabiza bitch literally everyone because i've been a dj and a visa forever like i have done Knock knock, it's a DJ. Knock knock, who do you know in Ibiza, bitch? Literally everyone, because I've been a DJ at Ibiza forever.

Like, I have done all sorts of discos there, so, like, it's kind of a big deal, you basic bitch. Trash! No, you're trash, alright? So take a good look at this, Ray, because it's the last time you're going to get any of this, alright? Like, you're a stupid thing to say, Ray. You're trash! You're trash! You're- how rude! Well, at least my trash is in a simple human trash can.'s real fancy okay so take a take a load off that knock knock who's there you're trash

all right you know you know you're trash okay you know kristen kristen you're trash knock knock who's there knock knock seriously who's there? Knock, knock. Oh, Ray. Oh, oh, oh, is this that old Jacksy boy? Is that Jacksy boy out there on the other side of the door? All right, you can come on in now if you know how to use the door. If you're too old not to use the door, you can't use it. But if you know what you're doing, come on in then. I'm Peter the Who.

Yes, you're everything, bitch. I love you. Why won't you text me back? I'm really sorry, Ray. I promise I won't drink again. You know, these things happen to me. You can come in now. You can come in.

Oh, James. What do you want me to say? I'm just sorry and I'm a different man now and I'll change. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Do you want to listen to Pump Music Volume 1? Do you? I worked real hard on it. The Pump Series. All right.

What's next in the Pump Buddha Bar Series? Sorry. What's next in the uh the pump buddha bar series sorry um what's next in the mobile okay um but we'll get to well you know what on on thursday we'll get to the other queen of tars question um kathan says are you going to do anything for big brother um uh i imagine i imagine we'll talk about on the bonus bonus episode, right? Yeah, I'm guessing a little bit. I'm not sure if I'm going to do a full-on other podcast for that or not. I'm thinking about it. But I'm doing that Bachelorette podcast. I didn't say it.

It's called Rose Pricks. We're on iTunes now. It's with Stephanie Wilde Taylor. Yeah, Rose Pricks for life. Go listen to it. But I'll definitely be watching Big Brother and talking about it in some way, shape, or form. I'm sure we'll talk about it on the Boney Balonies. Well, they are revealing the cast as we speak, by the way.

Oh, my God. There's another bonus episode. I can't believe it's time for Big Brother already. I mean, season premieres next week, I believe. Oh, my God. Isn't that crazy? It's Big Brother season already. Like, summer is beginning.

A whole new group of stupid people to hate on. Oh my god, I want to know who the cast is. Maybe it's on Reality Blurred. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Yeah, that's for another day and another time. But yeah, of course we're going to be doing something for Big Brother. Obsessing over it. Oh my god, there are 18 cast members.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. And there's coaches. Vanessa, I think, is a coach cast members. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. And there's coaches. Vanessa, I think, is a coach. Yeah. And somebody else. Somebody else. Oh, Audrey is the coach again. Yeah, which is hilarious.

The transgender contestant. I know. She kind of lost it last time. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. With her blanket. I can't wait to see what these people all look like.

They all hate me. They all hate you. They all hate you. They all hate you. She's like going crazy in her hoodie. She would just like walk up and lie to people. She was so funny. She'd be like, that girl said that you're pregnant. And then, you said I was pregnant?

She's like, no, I didn't say that. You just totally lie. Loved it. She's going to be hilarious to see again. Totally lie. Loved it. She's going to be hilarious to see again. Well, some of the people in the Big Brother house are siblings of past contestants.

So Cody from Big Brother 16. Remember Cody? He was like the hot guy. He was the hot guy who the nerdy girl had a crush on, and then everyone booed at the nerdy girl because she had a husband. Yeah. Didn't he get taken all the way to the end, and he basically gave to the cop the cop there's also the voice of the captain and so you know so cody's brother paulie is gonna be on there and then vanessa from last season oh vanessa i don't know why everyone's coming after me like i'm just trying to do my best dude um her sister tiffany

is gonna be on this year so the way you nominated me like that, I thought we were cool. Did you hear anybody talking about me? Did you? Did you? Tell me. Tell me. Whoa. There's also someone who's 50 years old.

Oh, thank you. Finally. When you are 50 years old on Big Brother, I mean, you might as well just be in a wheelchair. You are really old. Well, you will be after that shit. They make you hang on a hot dog for at least one exercise or one challenge. It's always the hang from the phallic symbol challenge and then fall into a pit of mud. There's literally, it's the oldest person is 50 and then Vanessa's sister is 32 and then someone's. And then the rest are all like 23, 24.

There better be some hot people. That's what I got to say. I feel bad being so hateful to people who are 22. It's just a huge difference now. It doesn't feel right. Well, they tend to be on these shows kind of vapid. So I'm really looking forward. That's why I always like older people on the show because

you you mix like people who are less vapid or who are vapid at one point in their lives and who are now like a little smarter with the vapid people and hilarious things happen but when they're all vapid it's not the same yeah there needs to be like two there needs to be two hot guys two hot girls and the rest normal people i like when they're like it's the walmart checker you know he was a chain smoker and pretends that you know he doesn't wear wigs or whatever and you know one of the reasons why i think we love like the real housewives is because they are generally older and they have more sort of nuanced neuroses and ridiculousness you know like there's a little bit more going on to them

other than the fact that they just got out of college. I mean, even Vanderpump Rules, most of those people are like late 20s, early 30s. And so they're idiots, but there's depth to their idiocy. Well, I don't feel bad with them because they're not that young anymore. And also they've all had so many facelifts that they look just like the old people here. Because they all get the same template face.

And you can't tell who's who unless you look at their waddle. Right. That's true, too. So I don't feel guilty with them. But the fresh ones who are just, you know, they don't understand that someone's watching them jerk off in the shower. You know? Like, the really dumb ones. I can appreciate them um well uh all right well we will talk more about big brother on the bonus episode because the next bonus episode because we're already we're already just going into one we're creating

a new bonus episode right now so um why don't we um wrap on to the? We'll move on. Benjamin Cohen, we'll get to your question on Thursday. Alright. Yay. Crap, it's mailbag. Crap, it's mailbag. Mew. Mew.

Mew, bitch. Mew, bitch. Seriously? Seriously, cow? Ronnie, you know what? Mew. Mew. Mew. Mew, bitch. Mew, bitch. Mew. Seriously? Seriously, cow? Ronnie, you know what we should do now that Big Brother's out? What? We should, like, make a Big Brother fan website.

And, I mean, I know we're not exactly web designers around here, but we have created an awesome website using Weebly, and we still can't believe how easy Weebly made it. Yeah, you guys. Weebly was created for people with the courage to start their own business and the dream to be their own boss, bitch. I couldn't tell for a moment if you were doing Kristen voice or Ray voice. That was Reza, Kristen, and Ray, bitch, all in one sentence.

Mike! Mike! And you don't need to be a web designer, Mike, or know how to code to create a beautiful website, blog, or online store. Sweet! We were all very impressed with the wide variety of professionally designed, mobile-friendly themes to choose from, bitch. A piece of who, bitch? Then you simply drag and drop to quickly build and publish your site.

Too easy, Mike. Mike. And you can truly customize, update, and change your site anytime you want on any device. Oh, my God. I'm shaking in my shoes, you bitch. Just join the over 30 million people who are already dreaming big with in my shoes, you bitch Just join the over 30 million people Who are already dreaming big with Weebly, you bitch That's so Persian, bitch

Get started today for free At weebly.com slash watch That's weebly, W-E-E-B-L-Y dot com slash watch That's W-E-E-B-L-Y dot com slash watch to Bibb. That's W-E-E-B-L-Y dot com slash watch. Weebly who, bitch? Bibb. Bibb. Weebly dot com slash watch, Bibb.

Weebly dot com. So thank you very much, Weebly. Get on over there. Weebly. I just want to congratulate ourselves for our first ever Shaza Sunset slash bit player from Real Houses of New York City crossover ad read. I feel like it needs to happen

in real life. Ray, Asa, and Reza playing together. Ray plus Asa equals Reza. Oh, that's true. Deep thoughts. I'm sorry, I'm swallowing my spit. Yeah.

That was my pause. I was like, I literally gulped right now. Why am I so afraid, Ben? Why? I don't know. But you know what? That's your story. And it doesn't have to define you, okay?

It doesn't have to define you. You should just go out and tell people about it, okay? It's a story, okay? Okay. Let's tell a story, Ben. Hey, you want to talk about Dallas first? What do you want to talk about first? I'll go wherever you'd like, hon.

Let's start with Dallas. Let's do it. Real Housewives of Dallas. Season finale. The season finale. How did they, why would they end it like this? I was so sad. This was like endings to so many good shows that you watch all season and you just want to find out who the killer is.

But it turns out nobody. It's just a boring party where some like worried, ragey husband gets really drunk and then everybody goes to bed. It was kind of an anticlimactic finale. And it's too bad because last episode was really good. I blame it on the fact that they probably had an abbreviated shoot due to the fact that it was supposed to be some charity show about women in Dallas. Yeah, no one actually got stabbed. But it was still good because they tied up a lot of arcs. And, you know, a Housewives show really proves its artistic value over the course of a season.

And this one did it congratulations we almost every scene had poop in it in some way so there's the poop arc the poop arc was really uh there really really came to a tremendous climax stephanie refusing to make lists even though she's basically just memorizing lists now, but still. Tremendous personal growth. I applaud her. And Leanne Locken saying, well, I want help with my anger. I mean, that's officially full circle. Drop the mic. Thank you, Dallas. Yeah.

Although, to be fair, Leanne does not like going full circle because it reminds her too much of the Ferris wheel. I spent too many times being stuck on a ferris wheel to come full circle again i went full circle but then it kept going and i got stuck on that part where you're just kind of up in the air too high to get off the ferris wheel but not high enough to have a good view of anything i was just like i was abandoned at the top of the ferris wheel everyone went home for the night and i was stuck up there. And the bats came and came after my head. Oh, I just meant I was in a band.

Honey, no one abandoned you. It's my accent. I just said I was in a band. Wait, what? Okay, so I built a speaking career on it. Get off my ass! I love that it all became about Leanne admitting finally to herself and to the world that she needs help with her anger issues. It's like hugs and also a book deal and a speaking circuit.

Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. So it began where all these episodes began with talk of poop with Travis walking in. The home of Travis is definitely in. Travis is like, Hunter, there's dog poop on the stairs. And she's like,

Why is there dog poop on the stairs? And he's like, Let's just say the kids were playing outside. I was like, Is that a euphemism for something? Is that their code? Hey, are kids shat their pants again? The kids are playing outside again, Hunter,

if you know what I'm saying. Get the Clorox out. He was probably resisting the urge to be like, honey if you know what i'm saying get the clorox out he was probably resisting the urge to be like well you know what they say get out of pain to write this list because there's shit in the house because you didn't check the kids shoes which was on the list our kids are literally on my shit list like the shit list is a list about shit i feel like you're treating me like a kid right now. Well, do you have shit on your shoe? Actually, I do. Exactly.

Child. And the funny thing was, I thought he was being oddly, like, making some strange euphemism until later in the episode when we saw that her backyard was actually full of so much shit that we had to watch five minutes of her picking it up and some close-ups of feces. I was like, oh, so he really was saying, yeah, the kids were outside, and so they couldn't avoid but step in all the shit that our dogs had been leaving out there. Yeah, that was, like, graveled but made out of poop. Yeah. It made Hollywood look pristine, because

I'll tell you, there is nothing but feces on these sidewalks out here. I'm not even joking. Yeah, it's because too many people like Stephanie. But at least she's doing that in her own house and getting it on her own feet, not the public's. Yeah, that's true. Which is nice, except that the public steps on her carpet. So there you go.

She is poisoning us just like everyone else. So they're talking about having this party on a golf course, and they do it every year. And she's like, it's not for charity. It's just to get wasted. As if the other charity parties are not just to get wasted. And not all for charity. This is the Byron Allen No.

Byron Allen is different. Byron Nelson thing. I actually looked into it. It's like this whole big thing that happens. It's actually the number one fundraiser on the PGA Tour. It's this whole drunken mess that everyone partakes in down there in Dallas. So they're talking about how they always have parties for it because they live on the golf course that this Byron Nelson thing happens on

and Travis wants to invite some chick that got naked last year and something's like she's talking about chick that got naked last year. And so he's talking about how she got naked and was hanging on the balcony and everyone was looking at her like, oh my gosh, she's naked. He's like, yeah, I made it kind of fun. And then she's like, well, maybe we can invite Leanne.

And he's like, well, honey, I have people I work with. I can't have her acting all crazy. I'm like, oh, naked chick is fine. But crazy Leanne with her Moulin Rouge makeup. No. No. So funny.

That guy, he's like, well, it's kind of hot washing a hot girl. Pick up poop, isn't it? Is it? Is that a thing? Is that a thing now? Because I would not even be surprised if that was a thing. So we move on to Leanne and Tiffany. And they're going to the gym.

And this is the gym. I couldn't tell what it was called. Could you? But I just, I was writing down the uh what do you call it the little under the title subtitle not subtitle what do you call it like its logo or whatever it was like yeah i figured it was um lucille roberts yes it's like curves for women but it's like curves but instead of saying for women it says redefining the fitness experience and i was like oh my god i can't wait wait to see you know the new definition of fitness and then they're like lifting weights yeah what are you redefining what intern came up with that i know redefining shit you're a weight

place there's only one person who has truly redefined the fitness experience and that's tamra barney with her warped floors like until now no one realized all the stability that goes into lifting weights while one foot is on a different latitude than the other but yeah it's like a whole revolution because now people know that if you shift the weight on your um toe bone it can change the way you bring calories forever it's like people doing stuff on those balance boards like to be unstable the way you burn calories forever. Cut the Mr. Lop that! It's like people doing stuff on those balance boards to be unstable. Yeah, exactly.

I agree. There was nothing revolutionary about it, about this gym. I was thinking maybe there might be some cables that would be dangling from the ceiling or maybe there would just be a horse that would drag them around like push-ups on a horse i don't work out i got a keg not a six-pack yeah like you had a

girl i'm with you but she doesn't have a keg uh and then poor tiffany poor deluded tiffany is like it's so exciting i'm looking for houses with Aaron. He has interest now. Oh, because of that House of Blues gig. I was like, well, have fun spending $10,000 so people will come listen to your boyfriend pretend to have a band and only sing about the month of October over and over again for the rest of your life.

I know. When she said that the House of Blues gig went so well that doors are now starting to slowly open for him again, I was like exactly which doors? Does TGI Fridays need a house band? Is that what you're talking about? What doors are happening because of that gig? Was there an electric opening sensor on the men's

room over there or what? What door opened for him? Sizzler has a new host position open so you know Aaron's really hoping for the best You know after that House of Blues gig We went to the grocery store And as we were entering the doors opened for Aaron

And we've been to that grocery store About ten times now And he's ready to commit to a home It's like they know he's there Like he walks up to The supermarket And the doors just open. They're like, no.

They're like, who is this rock star coming in? Oh, my God. The minute that fruit sees him, I mean, the produce section, they'd stand if they could. I mean, you should hear. I mean, he's got a new producer right now. That's why he's always in the produce section. That's what they need. That's where they are.

He's actually going to be in iTunes because he's been dealing new producer right now. That's why he's always in the produce section. That's what they need. That's where they are. He's gotten, he's actually being, he's actually going to be in iTunes cause he's been dealing with apples a lot. Well, he was humming to iTunes cause that's what they play now in the grocery store. He really likes to get into character. Sometimes he even puts on a uniform and checks people out with the cashier area. I feel like these two are always trying to convince each other that they're okay uh wait is tiffany married yeah they're married oh i keep she seems like a girl

who's not really married i agree doesn't she because she's like well i hope he doesn't move away from me okay how can i keep him interested i'll make him think he has a music career great idea like you're married to him right doesn't he have to stay yeah i i agree i and i it was like a few weeks into the season i was like how long have they been dating and i looked i said they were actually married i was like oh yeah tiffany hendra ain't she lucky that she gets to go to sleep lay her head down next to mr aaron hendra and his lovely iron hair. Hey ladies, I go to sleep with Aaron Hendra. Okay, I don't know what that means

really. So you pay 83% of the rent. Yeah. Do the doors at ShopRite open for your man? I don't think so. Oh, they do? Well, you know, good for you. Good for you. Well, that's just great.

Okay, fine. It doesn't mean that our success isn't successful. You can be successful, too. It's a big town, isn't it? We're moving! You know, Aaron Hendra always has so many bright ideas. That's why he started working at Lightbulbs Unlimited. Could you imagine him?

He'd be like, my favorite is this light. It's called October. Look at the way it glows in October. The light is glowing in October. Well, I could totally imagine the two of them opening up a light bulb store where she was. Hey, welcome. So what sort of light bulb are you looking for? Now, I have to recommend this one.

Now, I know it's fluorescent, but it's like a pretty fluorescent. Aaron, why don't you ring this up for me, huh? Well, she's going to be paying for him to be in a spotlight of some kind for the rest of her life. At least she can make some profit off of it. She's actually going to physically build the spotlight. Well, we know we have an in-house spotlight

division. So yeah, if you buy three light bulbs, you get a free spotlight. She could have bought that bar in Hollywood, the the spotlight when it was closing just make him work there look you're literally in the spotlight 10 hours a day what is wrong honey would you like to see our selection of flashlights they are really wonderful i like to take about five of them and roll them together the rubber band and shine them on iron and be like, it's your spotlight. Oh, poor thing.

She's like, hon, get out of the car. I left something out there. Look, the brights are on you. You're in a spotlight. Okay, get back in. You feel better, honey? Today, Aaron Hendra is having a charity performance in our lightbulb store. Everyone is welcome to come down.

If you donate a lightbulb, you get a free CD. Donate a lightbulb. She never sells anything. That's how they get their inventory. It is lightbulbs for homeless people, y'all. Of course, when you shake it, that lightbulb is making a dinging sound. It's not broken. It's musical.

I'm acting as percussionist. I just get up with broken lightbulbs and shake them into the microphone. Okay. Okay. So. I'm acting as percussionist I just get up with broken light bulbs and shake them into the microphone Okay, okay So I really push you to the limit Yeah, because I'm looking at this I'm like, oh my god, we're still in the scene So this is big Leanne Leanne sets out of her plot

She's gonna go talk to Carrie And go to this golf party Even though it's gonna be rough on her because she's sick of being victimized. But she's like, I'm just so embarrassed by myself. I can't even forgive myself enough to go to a party because of how I acted. I'm like, yeah, right. You're going to cut somebody's throat tonight. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly, Leanne. I'm so sad about the way that they turned me into a monster a monster with excessive amounts of blush bow at me this blush isn't too much i was trying to protect my face i was like if they're gonna hit me i'm gonna hit myself with this blush stick harder because then i won't ever feel their pain you can't use that as an excuse for every little thing do you know who my fashion icon is it is just kissing leon's ass and talking about how like listen like you know the way you acted in austin you know what you're human

that's all you're human i mean look it, no one is really getting Marie. And she's terrified Marie is the one who started all this. Why isn't Marie apologizing? And so Tiffany is not only stirring the shit. She's like opening a furnace and putting like wood sticks in it, gathering around, singing a campfire. She's really pushing. Her friend is saying, I'm so embarrassed that I was so angry. And then she's like, yeah, Marie needs to pay.

Yeah. Tiffany. Yeah. I'm so embarrassed that I was so angry. And then she's like, yeah, Marie needs to pay. I was like, what the hell, Tiffany? Yeah, seriously. Well, because Tiffany wants to be number one behind Leanne. So she's going to do whatever she can to knock Marie down a few pegs. Listen, I watched The Hills. I saw how it worked between Audrina and Lo. This is battling for supremacy in Lauren's eyes.

This is how it works. You're 40! That's what I always think, but these ladies fight too much. Well, I like how Leanne justifies her behavior. She goes, What can I say? I'm a fun person until right then I'm not. Oh, okay. I'm a fun person until somebody ruins it.

And someone mimics too much. Mimicker. So, next up is Carrie. I just want to say that when they were done, they did not re-rack their weights. They just put their weights down in the middle of the gym floor and left the gym.

Shame on you. Shame. This is like a different kind of gym. They're like, I'll redefine fitness for you. It's called leaving my weights on the ground. Thanks for redefining fitness, losers. So next we go over to Carrie's house. And Carrie, typical Carrie, with her, oh, we're going to summer in Switzerland. Like, that's what we do.

So we're looking. She's like, shut up. This bitch has said summer in Switzerland. I think this is like the 90th time she said that this season. Shut up, Carrie. Nobody cares. Yeah, no one cares. And we know you're just going to a Swiss restaurant.

That's it. Pixer didn't happen, bitch. Yeah, yeah. And I think she did take pics. So, you know, way down the line in the future, she's snapping and being like, there, bitch. But for now, stop talking about what you're going to do. You can't brag about things you're going to do in the future. Brag about what you got now.

Yeah. I wrote down a note that says no one wants to go to the Byron Nelson. I don't remember. Well, that's because nobody wants to go. No one wants to go. Well, Carrie doesn't want to go anywhere now. But she's telling her husband, well, like, I just don't know if I want to go. And he's like, be a bigger person, hon.

She's like, yeah, right. But they were talking about us. And then she said, turns out Leanna's been spreading rumors about me. Something about me being a homewrecker because Mark was married before. And I don't know what she means when she says before. Because that's her line that she says all the time now. Like, people are mad because he was married before. Before he got divorced because of you. Like, people are mad because he was married before. Yeah.

Before he got divorced because of you. Like, what are you saying? Like, was he married? You never said he's been divorced before. Yeah, she's like, listen, you know what? I never sent over a wrecking ball to his house, so I can hardly be a homewrecker, okay? I mean, I may have slept with him while he was married to someone. But still, that's not a homewrecker.

That's just, you know, just moving in on my territory. Yeah. As far as I'm concerned, that lady just, you know, got kicked out of the office. She just got barred from coming into the office because Carrie worked for him, right? I don't. Yeah, I think she worked first. Yeah. I'm not really sure what's going on with those two.

I'm just assuming that you know she was working in his office blue and then married him like who cares what you don't have to hide it behind flowery language don't be like a political person over it just being like yeah people hate me because i stole him from the husband but he wasn't happy so fuck them just do that don't try to trick me with your words. Well, you know, Mark's first wife should have followed the lead of Gale and forced Carrie to be in a blazer, and then it never would have happened. Oh, Gale. Gale.

I love that show so much. Secret Sides. Oh, I'm paralyzed. Paralyzed. Lizer. So now, in really exciting news, Brandy and her family are going to a bowling alley. But before they can go to a bowling alley,

first they have to address the rabbit poop in the corner. See, this show does have facets. It's not just dog poop. It's rabbit poop, too. Yeah. And they're making the kid clean it up with her bare hands. Yeah. And then, you know, going bowling where she sticks her finger in a little bowling ball that other people's kids do and then put in their eyes so congratulations to anybody who went to

that bowling ball your child has like eye pneumonia or some shit now hey well that we did the little girl did wash her hands we at least got to see that oh never mind i didn't see her do that oh she did i've never seen a rabbit pine for a magician's hat so badly like, all I want right now is to be stuffed in the back of an overcoat. Like, that's all I want, and to appear in a hat. Like, get me out of this awful room. Put me through a hat, get me out of this world. Wherever that top hat leads to, I'll go there. Yeah, it was like that rabbit was going through reverse Alice in the Wonderland.

Open the door! Open the door the door spoiler alert for a game of thrones people okay fast forward 30 seconds so there's this guy his name is hodor and it turns out because in the past he he was trying to save somebody and so he went kind of like cuckoo and um he was yelling hold the door hold the door hold on hold on and it turned into that and then he turned up into an adult always saying hold the door like that was and it turned into that and then he turned up into an adult always saying hold the door like that was his origin story and i was like thank god his name wasn't open the door because people would just be yelling oh door oh door oh door sorry but open the door okay that explains why people could post i knew something was going on because people

were posting on facebook like hold the door hold the door i hold the door. I'm like, I don't get this. Oh, door! That would be the show. Oh, door! Open the door! Speaking of hold the door, now Tiffany and rock star Aaron Hendra, who normally have doors just open for them now, they've gone house hunting. Usually followed by a ding! Yeah.

hunting. Usually followed by a ding! Yeah. So, all of a sudden, this turned into a little bit of House Hunters International. When they went to look at a house, and, you know,

for some reason, I was just bemused by the entire thing. She was like, it's an island! Look at how big this island is. No man is an island, but this kitchen sure has one. Am I right, Aaron Handrell? You can put that in your next song. Every girl dreams of an island like this. No, they don't.

That is the hugest island. Every little girl looks at that island and is like, holy shit, I'm never going to keep track of anything on that thing. And it's going to take me an hour to clean up after dinner. As if Tiffany cooks. Exactly. truck of anything on that thing and it's going to take me an hour to clean up after dinner as if tiffany cooks exactly she's like look at this large slab of marble to lean on every girl dreams of this the lines of coke that i could snort off this thing will be epic i mean it's no mirror but i can still see my face and it looks so young we'll take it goodbye bathroom floor hello kitchen island someone staring like narcissist staring at himself in marble yeah like totally ruins the story so they're like going through this whole modern home and they go out in the backyard and there's like noise from construction

which of course bravo amps up so it sounds like it's basically more of I live where there's constant drilling. Yeah. They're like, what a lovely home. Sure. And Keith Suburban's like, well, I don't know if I have to, if I have to record my music,

this may be a problem. I'm like, I guarantee the drills will improve it. And then she dangles some money over his head and says, but that's why you need a studio. Take this house. You give me this big marble slab to lean on, and I will build a studio in here for you.

I mean, come on, lady. You're so pretty, and you're so nice, and you're so ride or die. You can get a guy that doesn't need to iron his hair and look like Chucky and sing a song about October. It's the most depressing month of the year well he then like brings her out

in front and he's like you know I've been thinking a lot about Nashville and thinking about you know Nashville and my dreams and what I want to do with my life and you and whether or not I want to pursue singing in Nashville and I've decided I think I'd rather stay here with you in the house it's like oh congratulations it was either be homeless in Nashville

or be on TV in a beautiful house. Wow. With a beautiful woman. Tough choice. I don't want to keep going back to Nashville. I figure if you're going to pay my rent, you can just pay it here and I'll get a small apartment down the road and back right. Sure, anything. An artist needs his time.

Oh, I'm so excited you're excited. Plus, I have a really good in it, Fuddrockers. I think I'll get to sing a jam there. Oh, bless their little hearts. Bless, bless. I kind of feel bad for Aaron. You know, like, you know, forgotten, like, lost, like, not lost dreams, but like, you know, he was on the cusp here in L.A. And now he's just sort of singing in coffee shops.

Well, you know, you don't have to give up, but you have to kind of reinvent yourself, dude. You know, it's like a different time. You're not a young rock star. You're not going to be a young rock star. That's OK. There's musicians all over the place. Just be a different kind. I actually agree.

I actually think that. Start a youth ministry. Yeah. Well, I think that his like the flat ironed hair and everything. It's like he's clinging on to youth and it makes him look kind of sad. And I think he should sort of lean into his age. Yeah, he's clinging on to youth from the 90s, not what youth is now. You know, guys are looking at that like you have highlighted ironed hair.

Why is that youthful? You just look like a crazy doll. Stop it. Yeah, like he looks – he's hanging on to like 1999. That's what he's doing. and it's not right, Aaron. Aaron, you know what, Tiffany? Tiffany, you have the sanctuary of style, and it's time to put Aaron into it, okay? Reform yourself there, Tiger.

Listen to men who are trying to give you advice that'll help you in the long run. It's not about where you live. It's about where you don't iron your hair, Aaron, alright? We're rooting for you, Aaron. We're all rooting for you, even Tara Banks. Let's get a makeover for season two, alright? Signed, October.

Then, Brandy and Brian go bowling, and the big news is that he's like, hey, let's have a barbecue for Fourth of July. And she's like, wow, our marriage is saved. After all we've been through this year with the way that, you know, he was ignoring me and I wasn't felt loved. And then my brother and then my grandpa. And then I'm like, please stop whispering in monotone before i kill

myself while i'm watching this stop it i know and she was like here we are in an empty bowling alley who would have ever thought usually he just leaves me and i feel alone but now i feel alone with him and my children oh this is the saddest show I've ever seen in my life. Especially Brandy. I mean. And every time the husband gets up to even go to the bathroom, they're like, Daddy, where are you going? He's like, nowhere. I'm here.

I'm staying here. And they're like, wow. So sad. Oh, my God. You probably would leave them in an empty bowling alley those poor kids are terrified yeah enjoy it now kids it's your one time one night with daddy enjoy those fluorescent lit you know bowling pins at the end of the at the end of the disco lane in the empty bowling alley while your mother whispers tears back well I'm surprised

there wasn't a full commentary about the shit that brandy saw in the bathroom you know like hey I just saw some feces in the bathroom this is a miss most amazing out of my life I'm with my husband and I saw poop yeah she doesn't make her mix her poop talk with her depressing talk they're saying oh that's true like just all the things like they're legit sad but be quiet about them what you want me to make a list you don't trust me so speaking of which they're like the next scene is brandy and stephanie picking up poop in the backyard yep more poop more poop lots and lots of poop i'm not doing this because it's on my list i'm just doing it because travis told me to so leanne and rich oh yeah i the big takeaway for me from this scene um was that leanne's dog

was found in a fast food shop. I was like, well, I'm surprised she has not brought that up sooner. Like, I'm from the carny, my dog's from a fast food. Like, we know what it's like to be abandoned. You know, for some reason, I feel like she did say that before. I'm not even kidding. I think at some point she did say that. Oh, my God.

But yeah, she's like, my dog needs a speaking circuit. He was left at a water burger I went in there for a double jalapeno with cheese and I found love everyone here is proud of finding love in a water burger you get up here on stage you are people listen my dog and I we both grew up around a lot of fries you know where else people say Listen, my dog and I, we both grew up around a lot of fries, okay? You know where else people say, oh, wow, Whataburger?

The Carnival. The Carny. The Carny. You know, my dog, he escaped from the Carny. And he made his way all the way to that Whataburger until I found him. But I knew he was from the Carny because he was wearing a little hat. He knows how to take a ticket, this dog. Some dogs know how to lie down.

Some dogs know how to play dead. My dog can catch an apple in its mouth and then a knife. Stop putting your dog on the bulletin board, Leanne. He's not target practice. She's talking to Rich. She goes from talking about those women with hiv i'm the way i've been getting texts from them to know that i mattered to women with hiv do you think i could have a speaking career because i'm meeting an agent today what he's he's like well considering

that you never do stop speaking sure why not make a career out of it might as well get paid for it you might as well i mean as he's so supportive i love this guy he's like well you should do that you're good at that honey no one ever gets sick of that carny story you tell me you could speak to vietnam vets about being a carny. You could speak to, I don't know, a grocery store union about it. You can work that into any story. That's what I'm saying.

Do you know what it's like to be abandoned? He's like, well, you know, people from the police union might. Do you want me to see if I can get you a gig there on Christmas Eve? And I like, you know, he at this point, he's just on autopilot you know she's like i want to be a motivational speaker and he's like well you know exactly what to do and when to say and how to say it i'm like have you ever interacted with your girlfriend have you ever been out with her and then it so smoothly transitions into yeah i can't wait for a speaking career you know that party i'm just so embarrassed that I almost

murdered somebody. He's like, oh, good for you, hon. He's so supportive of everything she does. You want to talk to charities? Great. You want to threaten to murder an entire room of people? Great. Like, whatever. I support you, baby. He's like, how about we talk about something that's not involving

you? Like the fact that there's a rabbit stuck in the shed and our hound dog is going after it she's like enough about that i want to talk about hiv and how i'm good i'm a good talker i like to kill people mimicker that rabbit's a mimicker of me because i wasn't i was stuck under a shed once i grew up under a shed at the carney okay that rabbit's a mimicker that rabbit is sniffling his nose a lot. Mimic her! I'm crying right now because of my anger. Stop mimicking me. Who put all that blush on that rabbit? Mimic her!

We saved our rabbit from a cosmetic testing. Actually, that's why I put on so much blush. Because when we saved our rabbit, he had a full face of makeup on. Okay? Because we saved it from Revlon. And to this day, I wear makeup on my face just to support the rabbit. I understand that, rabbit. Because where I come from, you just jump on something. You hump it. this day i wear makeup on my face just to support the rabbit i understand that rabbit because where

i come from you just jump on something you hump it you know rapid fire style and then you just jump off and leave like okay this is not your abandonment story leanne okay the rabbit pooped on the ground when i read watership down i cried for six months because it was like my life in the carny. Leanne, reading Watership Down is the best thought I've ever had. It's like the best mental image. Where is the ship? Where is the water? I don't get it. There's a shed here. Is it a watershed?

You know, I like a good allegory because it's like a mimicker of real life. Allegory! It's like her yelling things at people. Oh, really? You little allegory it's like her yelling things at people oh really you little allegory you know i never want to go to florida because i don't want to get eaten by an allegory your allegory career is over allegory bow at me allegory bow at me How about this for an allegory?

It's called the carny. My love, carny. So Leanne breaks down crying after deciding she's going to be a hero to people with HIV, to, you know, people with rabbit fears or whatever. Oh, sorry. No, no, that's all. No, I was going gonna say it because then she she starts explaining her anger again because every every week we get a new explanation this

time it's like well my anger comes from you know the first time you get dropped off and nobody's gonna pick you up at kindergarten i truly believe that that's why i don't have more than a kindergarten education well you know that's when you program program Uber into your phone or download the app or something. Like, there's new fears now. Someone can pick you up after kindergarten. To this day, every time I see a yellow school bus, I slap it. Better return those children to kindergarten. Let their mothers pick them up.

I love this show. She's talking about wanting to inspire people. And then they show clips of her hitting the trolley and, trying to punch a cameraman put that camera down and then like storming off towards that dumpster and then it cuts back to her like i really think i have a shot at helping people i'm like what yes she's a cautionary tale that's why oh that's a term that's used many times in real housewives of orange county uncensored which we will be covering next episode. So don't worry whoever's looking for that because it was amazing. My heart still hurts from last night. I recorded it and then Bravo did an OC marathon today.

So it recorded over. Oh, no, I'm not even buzz throwing. I just wanted to say for anyone who, because someone who watched that is going to hear that and be like, oh my god, that's from Real Housewives of Orange County because someone said that. He's like, Gretchen. One of the producers was like, Gretchen

was a cautionary tale. I thought that was funny. I can't wait to see that. So then Leanne, in pursuit of a what's his I'm trying to think of what was the name of that famous motivational speaker. It doesn't matter. But in pursuit of –

Tony Robbins. Tony Robbins. In pursuit of his career. She goes and meets at this PR company, which is basically a room full of guys in wigs. Yeah. These were some crazy wigs. Yes. Serious wigs.

Especially the main guy. The main guy was, wow. So she is, she's in there because they specialize in representing motivational speakers and such. So she goes in there and she's basically like, my childhood was terrible, but look at me now. I can inspire America. When she said it. I live in a ranch with a bunny trapped in the back. Anybody else here successfully own a bunny in a garage?

Okay. Well, that's what I thought. When she said it. When she goes, and look at me now. The music was like, doo. Like it just stopped. And the guys were looking at her all confused. Like, you've made

a room full of guys in wigs uncomfortable if they could see me now look at me look at me and it's like this five layer fake pearl necklace or some shit she's wearing it's like you're coming in like a big plastic thing please and she doesn't even have like a pitch because you know when we see people go in and it's like the favorite bravo thing like no one's ever told them what a pitch is but you come on you just explained what you want to do yeah that's all you have to do but leon's like well i'm a poor kid i felt pain now look at me and she's like i want to write a book called design to shine and i love there's this woman in there who's like so amazingly condescending and she goes hmm it sounds like you're still going through your healing process

rejection she's like i'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but you're not to the end of your own self-help book so until you reach your personal deadline we can't give you any you know college dates yeah we like our people to be more at the epilogue than at chapter three listen we rent out marriott conference rooms for this this is this is a huge expenditure on our part please end your story and uh call us later okay well and then leanne tries to sort of like bring the room up with a joke she's like i have rainbows and i'm gonna fart glitter until people see it and everyone laughs except there was this one woman i don't know if you caught it but there's this one woman who's just scowling at leanne like get this fucking

carny out of my office i am starving i don't want to be here anymore but the rest of them are typical seats where they're just like so uncomfortable and so needing to laugh that you just go fart and they're like oh good one they like wanted to respond positively to something she said because the rest of it was just cuckoo and then it ended with the guy bad worst wig going well that guy was like i see something here you. You know, at the beginning, you can make $1,000 a speech, and then you get into it, and it'll be $50,000, $100,000, $1 billion, $1 trillion. Small country's economy. It's all up to you. And I'm like, wait a second.

He's selling them to her, the corny kid who got left at kindergarten? Really? Yeah, exactly. Fishy. the carny kid who got left at kindergarten really yeah exactly fishy he's like listen we want to we want to put our best wigged man on your account so please welcome our newest member of the team mr aaron hendra october we opened the door for him and he just walked right in he's just standing out there it's's like, is someone going to open this door for me? Is this the right room? I keep waving my hand in front of it.

Is there a sensor here? He doesn't know how to enter buildings now. Hello? Sorry, your sense is not working. I'm embarrassed to say I'm not used to a world where doors don't open for me. Hello. You know, the craziest thing happened the other day. I pushed on a door and it just spun me right around and spat me right out back on the sidewalk.

I've never seen that happen before. I finally understand when people are saying outlaw revolvers. Most confusing thing I've ever encountered. revolvers. Most confusing thing I've ever encountered. So now Carrie and Courtney are getting ready for the big Baron Nelson party, which is pretty much nothing. It's the usual shit like, I hope I don't see Leanne.

I don't want to fight. It's like nothing. I'm trying to even find this. I had so much written about that other thing. Why? it was so stupid jeff in the early days a thousand to two thousand okay that's still them stephan trey getting dressed yeah boring yeah stephanie uh you can hang out with leanne so stephanie's doing a lot of talking behind leanne's back but of course leanne did threaten to murder people so there's

that carrie courtney okay so carrie is over just i wish leanne would say something to me because like i'm sick of it apparently she has a problem with me like you've been talking shit about her ever since the minute you stepped out here so yeah exactly like how about uh next time you stop going into parties with a with a puss on your face okay miss frito pie party ruiner okay and then maybe leanne won't have a problem with you. That hairdresser queen loved him. He's like, she is anything but a victim, girl. Take that, Leanne Locken. That's one scary

bitch. Take that, okay? Everybody knows that, honey. Yeah, so as usual, like, pre-party patter. And then, finally, it's time for the Byron Nelson party here we are on a golf course yeah someone's backyard yeah for things like wow you guys what a great view you get to watch old dudes

hit balls all day yeah how much do you pay for that how much do people pay to live on a golf course people pay a lot I know why that's asking for a lot of broken windows i don't know i i would i don't know if i would want to live on a golf course it feels sort of i think i think maybe if you like playing golf it's a great thing i think the men are like bye have somewhere to go travis is like okay got your list i'm gonna be in the backyard he's like he's golfing again damn it. So let's see. This starts out very slow. Carrie wants to fight with Leanne.

And then Tiffany wants Leanne to fight with, who was it? Tiffany wants Leanne to have a fight with Marie again because she doesn't feel like Marie's got, had to take any responsibility for betraying Leanne and telling people the story of her peeping in a traitor juice bag it's like yeah tiffany was tiffany was a little bit of a no pun intended this in this party because she like pulls over marie was like

excuse me can i talk to you because she didn't like that mar Marie was being friends with everyone when Marie was supposed to be with their group instead. Yes. So stupid. Yeah. So then they go talk. She's like, I think you need to talk to someone. So she goes and gets her and sits Marie down. And then she's like, come on. Come on, Leanne. And Leanne sits down and she's got this look like, I'm so embarrassed.

I don't even want to be sitting here. I'm working on my rage issues. She tells us, she's just trying to push me. She's trying to push me to feel rage, but it's not going to happen. And then two seconds later, she's like, fuck you. I will murder you. I will drink your blood. My story is not a story.

That was with Carrie. Well, because they kind of lined up to take her down. So Marie was like, I did not say the story. And they're like, who did? And it cuts to that little queen like, well, she paved her pants, y'all. I mean, Marie is guilty. I mean, it's sort of funny how Marie is just clinging on to this lie because it's obviously her who told the story. And she is just, she just, she is doubling down.

She's like, well, I am sorry that you thought that I told this thing, but I didn't say it. And I'm sorry I didn't react to your rage appropriately and didn't want to die. I'm sorry that I didn't want to die. Is that what you want me to say? Okay, I'm sorry that I didn't want to die when you were threatening to murder me, Leanne. Come on now. But Leanne does fall right into the trap every time. Yeah, she does

because Leanne's sitting there, and Tiffany does too, because Tiffany is sitting there scolding Marie, and Leanne's just sitting there, you know, the godfather just on her throne, watching her peon do the scolding before the big lashing

has to happen. Pretty much. Yeah. So that was kind of a boring one because Leanne was trying not to go off, and Marie's just going to stick to her guns. So they were like, well, this sucked. So then Carrie takes her go. She's like, well, I haven't even filmed with these bitches hardly at all this season, so I guess I'll make an effort.

So she goes and tries to take her swipe at Leanne. Yes. And, of course, Leanne falls for it every time. She's like, listen, I know that for whatever reason, under the sun that there could possibly be who knows, but I know that you hate me irrationally, and I feel sorry for you, or whatever. It's like taking no responsibility for everything,

for anything. Exactly. And they're basically going at it. And then then you know because because then uh carrie starts saying well there you go again playing the victim you know like we're all ganging up on you you're always playing the victim and the end's like i am not playing the victim okay i have a rabbit that is stuck in my shed right now i don't have the time to be the victim okay oh you think i'm acting like a victim? If I open that front door right now,

let me tell you one thing, Missy. My father will not be outside to pick me up. He will be late. And that is a victim. You know who the real victims are? It's the children that don't have yellow school buses coming to pick them up after school, okay? From Wondery, this is Black History For for Real I'm Francesca Ramsey and I'm Consciously

what do most people think about when they hear the words Black History Rosa Parks Reconstruction MLK February Black History Month exactly exactly there are so many stories of Black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for Black rights. She is a heroine to some, as a fighter for Black rights. She is a villain to others.

Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated

by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. It is all the people who have left a 7-Eleven without hearing have a nice day come back again. Was I even in that store? Do you know that when I was a child, I once licked an ice cream cone too hard and the ice cream fell right on off and fell on the ground? Okay, now I have never gotten over that. Do you know what it's like to have an ice cream cone with no ice cream on it? Okay. Do you know?

Have you ever known how many licks it takes to get to the center of a titsy roll pop? Well, I sure as hell didn't because every time I tried, I'd get hit in the face with a skee ball or something. To this day, I do not know how many licks it takes. All right. So I'm sorry if I seem a little rough, but this is what I have grown up with. This is my reality. I would confront it if I could, but i don't want to get hit in the face with something again i don't have dental oh so this fight she is trying to go but leanne is already like oh you're hurting me and carrie's

like uh you don't even know what i'm gonna say like i'm here you go again i'm trying to say something it's like what are you what are you trying to say what what could be worse are you gonna try and hurt me worse than the world has it's like oh geez so carrie can't she's like just say it to my face but leanne at this point probably doesn't either even know what she's talking about you know yeah exactly at this point i was even having a little trouble following her because it was just like a back and forth of like of accusations and victimization and at one point carrie said something like there you go again with your story and that's when that's when leanne who was trying to keep angry leanne under wraps could not help it and then that's when she blew up and was like my story is not a story it's something i've lived through. Don't demean it.

Don't demean it. Mimic her. My story is not a story. It is a novel to be published soon by those people who have a speaking circuit. I literally wrote the same joke. You did? I said it's a story that I'm turning into a book. It's not a story.

It's an e-book download for free if you give me your e-mail address at leahmockin.com. Thank you. It is an experience for people to hear me discuss in my next engagement for HIV people and such. And also people with hurt heels. Okay, thank you. And rabbits and garages. For HIV people and such. And also people with hurt heels. Okay, thank you. And rabbits and garages. Carrie, you know, Carrie's going the Eileen route here. Instead of just saying, you're telling the whole town I'm a slut and that I stole my married man.

Because she obviously, even though she said it already five times this season, she doesn't want to be the one to say it. Because I guess that makes her less of a victim about it. So she's trying to pull Leanne into saying it but she's not because Leanne's trying to pretend to apologize for threatening to murder somebody. She's not at the, you know, oh yeah, and also that I've told people that you stole your husband from Kimmick Blowjob

at the desk or whatever. Well, I liked how afterwards, after this fight, Tiffany, the perfect sidekick was like, you know what? You own your shit you own it good for you leanne whatever that means yeah let's go to the gym and leave some weights around but carrie too what was her thing she's like you know what i can't even deal with this i'm leaving it's like what even happened yeah what can you deal with deal with? You can't deal with a fight that you started, actually.

Yeah, it's weird. So then it just ends. All the little things come up. And this show, even though they've used the music from every other franchise, they've really piecemealed this one together. They did change the font for the end. Yes, they did. Look, we have our own font for the end.

Yeah. And all the updates were so stupid. It was like, Tiffany and Aaron did not get the house, but they're still trying. And Aaron's going to write about it on his next album. I'm like, what a terrible promotion for your next album. Let's hear songs about the house that got away. It's hard to find a double shower in november i foreclosed on my heart

i would move in with you but i had bad credit in december it's like just everything has to be a month. Baby, don't go, even though I love the Nespro. Oh, good. All right, so how did they end? Okay, so they didn't get a house. They didn't get a house. Travis is no longer writing lists for Stephanie, but he's leaving notes for sexual favors instead. Leanne is in anger management.

He's figured out how to send Google notifications now. He's like, why bother with the list? This shit will dinger every five minutes. Leanne is in anger management and Rich still hasn't proposed. I'm like, huh, I wonder if there's a correlation there. I wonder. You're in anger management

and he doesn't want to get married to you because you're the Hulk. Serve you! could you imagine her getting married she'd like start yelling at him at the ceremony do you promise to honor surf where does they can serve you who the hell do you think you are go ahead walk away no he's walking towards you. That's how it works. Oh, my bad. Brandy, I'm just, I don't remember what Brandy's was, but I think she was promising not to tell more fart jokes. I'm surprised Brandy's update was,

Brandy's dog has died, and her car got a flat tire, and her mom got really sick, and she tripped the other day, and she lost her favorite pair of earrings. When Travis did... What was her husband, Brian? Well, Brian didn't care that I tried to make Air Pop popcorn, but then I left it there and there

and it got too black. Like, I felt so alone. Okay, thanks. That's her update. She felt so alone. And poop! god idiot get out of here whispered lady her update should have said brandy still is laughing at poop also she feels so alone brandy still alone in the bowling alley still in the gutter of both the bowling alley.

Still in the gutter of both the bowling alley and life. Looking for Brian. Anybody in the bowling alley seen Brian? Still no. No, sorry. Saddest ending ever. Saddest ending ever. We put in the bumpers and yet she still somehow is getting gutter balls.

Leanne. Austin was rock bottom, but now I've got a career speaking. It's like, what? Yeah. You know how alcoholics say rock bottom? I'm like, I think a lot of people can say rock bottom. Well, that was rock bottom.

Austin was rock bottom for me, and not because I was yelling in the basement. Well, Tiffany was... Tiffany. Well, my boyfriend, or my husband, was at the bottom of rock before House of Blues. Now he's like a step above that at least. We're gonna make it! Oh, Dallas, I cannot wait for the season review.

The reunions. It's got to be like two parts at least, this one, right? I feel like it's only gonna be a one- at least this one right uh i feel like it's only gonna be a one part or i don't i i mean i i enjoyed this show because we were able to make fun of it so much but i don't think there's two reunions two reunion episodes worth of drama in this one oh well they did it with potomac i think would be better if you could just sit there and yell make leanne yell at people the whole time i think Potomac had more shit going on. This one was pretty much just like

Leanne versus Carrie but not really. Leanne versus Brandy but not really. There's not like a huge amount of content. Well, they've been going off on each other since way before the show was even airing. They were causing all this shit on Twitter and people were like, you guys, we don't know who you are yet

so no one cares. They were literally tweeting them that. Well, I can't help it. I'm at rock bottom. Yeah. I'm almost at rock bottom. It depends what happens with the rabbit in the shed. I'm at rock bottom. Yeah, I can do rock bottom. Do you know what it feels to be like rock bottom? Poor Leanne. I love Leanne's

anger and I cannot wait to see it in the reunion. Goodbye, Brittle Housewives of Dallas thank you for all of those horse statues those bull statues the two Asian ladies in the front yard statues love your statues and thank you for bringing Leanne into our lives

because as much as we make fun of her she's sort of like one of my favorites of all time me too, I like when people can be open enough to be themselves of her it is she's sort of like one of my favorites of all time me too i like when people can be open enough to be themselves and as fake as she's trying to be like as much as many things that she's trying to fake that anger is real that anger i you know what i agree i actually kind of think leanne like outside of the realm of reality tv she's probably like super fun and um she does crack up, and I like how every week

we can just make new jokes about her. Every single week, it's something new. This week was about the rabbit. Last week was about who knows what. She just gives us something every single week, and there are very few housewives that do that. It's like a font of hilarity.

Speaking of new fonts, thank you, Real Housewives of Dallas. We love you. You guys did a pretty good... I was going to say, well, I think great first season. I'm going to stand by mine. I don't have to co-sign everybody. I think it was a solid first season. I think it will

get only better, and I hope it comes back for another season. We love you. We'll talk about that reunion as it comes. we don't have to tearfully say goodbye too hard to it yeah stop stop we still have some time with them stop stop pushing them out the door i'm gonna celebrate by mimicking a boy waiting for his father to pick him up while he is peeing behind a tree oh my goodness be right back y. Okay, now that we've talked about poop for an hour and both gone pee-pee, now it's time to talk about not pee.

Southern Charm. She's got money. She do have money. Catherine's getting some money because I think it opened up with the usual montage of things. Didn't Trish do something funky in the beginning there? In the beginning, was she like working with a coffee machine or something? This one was a weird one because every woman was doing some kind of household tour this time. It was weird.

It was like, look, it's the South. Women are ironing. Okay. Thanks, guys. Yeah. I liked when Craig goes over to Catherine's place. She's happy to be in the neighborhood. Oh, I was in the neighborhood. Yeah. I liked when Craig goes over to Catherine's place. She's happy to be in the neighborhood. Oh, I was in the neighborhood.

Yeah. So, like, here I am. Whoa, like, your place is really coming along. I'm like, is it really? Because every time we cut back to her place, it's getting more and more cluttered. Like, the Amazon Prime deliveries have to stop. She's addicted. It's hilarious.

And she's like, yeah, me and Thomas are doing real good. Like, he's keeping me happy. Like, he's keeping me happy. Yeah, he's keeping you happy. You're about to be a pack rat. Like, he's keeping you way too happy, okay? It's like a third world country full of toys in there. Yeah, you're starting to look like the hoarder from Labyrinth.

And Thomas is starting to look like the guy with the crystal ball. David Bowie. David Bowie, the Goblin King, if you will. You have, uh, Thomas,lin King, if you will. You have... Thomas, you have no power over me. Toby! She deflects everything with her erm.

Erm. Erm. So who's... Who's Bluto, then? That might just be Shep. Gosh, and rocks fall from the sky. Gosh. This... Craig is so funny

he's such a betrayer he's such a little Judas going over there in the first place and I love that she's just pretending to be this happy mom now she's like hey does the baby look like Thomas or me that baby it looks like a newborn baby it looks like a little

you know little lump of unformed goo that just barely got cleaned off. What do you think the baby looks like? Well, Craig was like, well, all babies pretty much look the same. I mean, it's like bourbon. Like, what the hell is it? I don't know. It's like chicks in college. They all look the same.

Like, who cares? You know? Yeah. It's like once you have one gingham sports jacket you have them all it's like babies they're all kind of like the same why do you keep me why do you need to keep buying jackets you've already got the blue the blue plaid jacket why do you ever need another jacket i'm gonna wear that in another scene why are you getting pregnant again i don't understand why isn't your baby wearing a crazy collar catherine, I'm proud of Thomas.

He's really stepping up to the plate. What does that mean? It was like, and then they cut Thomas being like, oh, here's something from Amazon Prime. Wow, what a good father. Do you have an opener for this? Yeah, it's the same thing I'm not going to use to cut my boy's dick, everybody.

Cheers. Here's to my boy's penis. My boy's unsurcumcised penis. And he's like, the fam- Oh, wait, who said this? Her or him? I could- Either one of them are full of shit enough to say this, but I think it was her. She's like,

Julie's stepping up. The family I've always wanted is within reach. We're almost there. Two children later. Two children and a new lease later. I just looked on Amazon Prime and the family I always wanted is arriving

on time. I may not have a new lease on life, but I have a new lease in life, and that have a new lease in life. And that's really all that matters. According to Amazon Prime, I can get same-day delivery on the family of my dreams. Should be here by 9 p.m. tonight, Thomas. So everybody is about how Thomas is going to change to become a good dad all of a sudden.

Yeah. Old dogs, new tricks, etc. But it's still etc. Oh my god, now I'm talking like that idiot from below deck. An espresso. Can I have an espresso martini, please? So now we go over to Thomas and J.D. to keep with the theme.

And of course, J.D. is a good housewife already and knows what to order. A ginger and ginger, son! So, I'm a ginger and ginger son so i'm a ginger and ginger why don't you pay me fifteen thousand dollars for the privilege and you can be a partner he's gonna put that in his bill at the end how about you leave me twenty percent boy he literally writes that out in a little line. Here's a tip.

Invest. And the waitress is like, I'm a girl. I know you are, boy. Ah. Wow, wow, wow, wow, gentry. Baby cards from JD. It's a boy, girl. Boy, boy. The sad thing is that I actually feel like I would trust jd to make a good bourbon

isn't that weird well yeah you know it's like someone going after their own hobby i trust ramona's vino is pretty good it is decent yeah you know people who really have a passion for what they do you know drinking booze yeah you get the flavor right. If I was making vodka, I'd be like, that's not enough like water. And then, you know, go from there. I'd be great at it. So Thomas and J.D., what are they talking about? Thomas is

conflicted, as he says with his politician hands. You see, Patricia just threw a party to celebrate the birth of my child well i had to explain to everybody about my child and his paternity test like oh my god what are you running from here just tell him what happened wasn't he there yeah yeah well i think he was i think he was sort of telling jd that he did not appreciate you know being asked to suggest that the suggestion that they were making that that he should they

should get a paternity test he didn't like and jd's like well it comes from a good place boy comes from a good place thomas is such a gentleman boy if that baby isn't his he'll still pretend it is because he's got manners we just want the best for you he'll ignore it like all the rest of his illegitimate children scattered around the world. It doesn't mean he has to support him with his money. Boy! So then we have Landon

who's hanging out with her sister. And she's like, my career's a mess and I told Chef I loved it. I ordered the soup. It's the best soup i ever had i'm writing a soup blog it's not soup do you know how to do it not on paper and the sister's actually the one who winds up crying sister's like i just feel so bad because you're such a mess i know you have dreams but like you could get a job they pay you money and health benefits you have security

she's like do you know how embarrassing it is to tell people i have a sister who used to live on a boat and now drives a golf cart around town worse that she used to be married but now she's not like what are you gonna do like you're not married anymore like you have to be married, but now she's not. Like, what are you going to do? Like, you're not married anymore. Like, you have to get married again. You people are fucking pathetic. Stop planning your life around some man having enough money to save you. You're too old for that now, okay?

I know. No one is saving the older models, darling. They save the 20-year-olds. Get a job. Get a job. So, meanwhile, Shep is also talking to cameron about what landon told her told him and it was just like the usual just like summary of what we what we previously saw but then he tells us this weird thing that he's like well gosh like there

was this one time when i pulled her into a closet and kissed her but gosh i just like spontaneity sounds like that's weird i couldn't tell if it was the anger if it was her like it was crazy like i was so confused in that closet gosh it was so dark in there gosh it's sad because landon it's really coming off as landon is just so desperate for a job that she's like, don't fire me. Like if no one's going to let her yell at Catherine anymore, you know, she has to like pretend she's sexually interested in somebody. And Shep's like, what? I never even noticed. She's like, me neither.

Me neither. But I need a job. Can I be Van Der Bridge? I can't. Gosh, I can't believe she fell in love with me after I pulled her into that closet. Gosh, there wasn't even a lion or a witch in there. Just a wardrobe. Just like a journey.

And a door into a different fantasy world. Oh, now I get it. Gosh. Gosh. I just want to go back to the... I just want to go back to Narnia. Stop being like Kissinger. Gosh.

It's like Kissinger over here. Hey, Landon, how about we just forget about all this and go over to Craig's place and just yell at him for having clothes on the floor. Gosh. Okay. It's like Sun Tzu said, gosh. Okay, so her sister's like, stop being pathetic.

Okay, boxed car, Betty's landed in ship. So this is really awkward. Oh, no, this is Cameron. I'm sorry. I was with you. I thought I was moving to a different scene, but I wasn't. We're still here. Shep's your best friend.

Is that the basis for relationships, being friends? Okay. And then the sister's like, well, maybe you could just get drunk and have sex with him, and then you'll know if you have chemistry. It's like, that is so sad. Yeah. I know. I kind of felt like, is that, that doesn't seem very Southern of you right now.

Cameron. Well, did she tickle your pickle? And the sister you have to have sex to know a person which is so good and so true and advice that everybody should take do not get married a virgin you meet you meet a new person when you have sex with them i think it's kind of funny that um i think it's kind of funny that what's her face the sister landon's sister was giving advice like she was on the real world and cameron who was actually on the real world was giving advice like she's landon's sister oh that's such good point yeah it was deep that is that actually is such a really good point and the sister's wearing a madonna hat which i mean

everything you're saying is invalidated too soon to come back leave her alone she's still here so then thomas goes and visits katherine like for the 10th time in this episode it's the episode's you're saying is invalidated. Too soon to come back. Leave her alone. She's still here. So then Thomas goes and visits Catherine, like for the 10th time in this episode, it's the episode is 10 minutes long and he's gone over to that little house, like 10 different times. And he goes over. And again,

the place is just looking so cluttered and cramped. And, um, the unveiling, the unveiling of Kinsey's new room. It's like, Jesus Christ. She really takes advantage of any time

she can get where he's in a good mood and opening that wallet. She's like, Kinsey, it's your brand new room. We got you a bed that's made of clear acrylic also to match your brother's crib. Welcome to your cage room. I thought when you said the unveiling, I thought you were going to say the unveiling of Deidre, the new nanny, the night nanny, nanny number two.

Wait, was she different? I didn't even notice. She looks exactly like Dawn. They have very similar names, but Deidre is the night nanny, and Dawn is the day nanny now. Oh, my God. Thomas sure has a type.

They look exactly the same. I mean, when Thomas said later, I'm really liking that new nanny, I thought, God, Thomas doesn't even know. They look exactly the same. I mean, when Thomas said later, I'm really liking that new nanny, I thought, God, Thomas doesn't even know that that's the same nanny. Like, he's so stupid. No, it's the same. It's a new nanny. There's Deidre and Dawn.

So it's like another cast member. But I also am like, I get it. She's a single mother, and it's hard. And poor Dawn. She has had a lot put upon her. I mean, Dawn is basically the mom at this point. And poor Dawn, she has had a lot put upon her. I mean, Dawn is basically the mom at this point, right? Catherine just sitting on the couch watching Dawn tackle the Amazon Prime packages.

Dawn. I think Dawn has stolen some of my packages. All right, well, just get someone else that looks just like her and doesn't tail me off about how to deal with you. These two are the worst at bringing other people into their problems and then cutting them off when they're being nice to each other for five seconds yeah well i mean listen i was part of me wants to be like katherine does not need two nannies but then i'm like it's really less about katherine and more about poor don like that woman needs a break from this crazy household well she needs somebody to take care of those babies. I mean, the news today is that she lost custody because her drug test came out positive. Well, one story I read said Thomas got joint custody, and they said that the drug test came back positive, but it was just weed.

But this one is saying, oh, well, maybe they didn't mention what it was. I've heard it's just weed. And then this one was saying that she lost custody because the test came back positive for cocaine and marijuana. So I don't know. But that was while she was pregnant. So could you get a baby for inside of my womb? Well, a nanny, a nanny for inside of my room. Sorry.

Can someone hold this baby? I want to do a line in my womb. There's no room in that house for lines anymore so anyway that's basically giving your baby cocaine oh that was really good so thomas the reason why thomas has come over is because he decides he wants to have a dinner party and he's going to run the guest list by katherine and and he's he's wise and that he's not inviting whitney or patricia because he knows that's not a good idea but the thing is that he wants to invite landon and the reason why is he goes one of life's simple

pleasures is being in her company yes god i say that to you that is one of life's simple pleasures you know sitting on a porch looking at the sunset and drinking a lemonade and being around Landon. Life's simple pleasure. There's nothing like sitting on a porch and just going back in that rocking chair while you sip a beer, watch your family, and hear that noise in the air.

When I hear the puttering of her golf cart come clattering down the street, I know that one of life's simplest pleasures is arriving. She's like the sound of crickets. Very, very nervous crickets on a hot summer night. Sometimes I hear her laugh and I think, oh, that's one of life's simple pleasures, being happy right now,

and I realize it's just a pigeon down by my feet. That thing pooped on my shoe. My simple pleasure pooped on me. Stop mimicking Landon, you little mimicker. Little pigeon mimicker. So let's see

here. So Thomas is like, my list. Here's who I plan to invite. The esteemed J.D. and wife, Jennifer. Oh my God, hello. Could you just get through this? And I'm the CEO of Gentry Bourbon. We have to listen to the same list next week by Cooper.

I'd like to welcome to the Founders Ball a homosexual with a woman on his arm because it was required, yes, but a prominent banker in the community the same. Mr. Robbie McDaniel. So eventually

Thomas sort of he sort of mutters quietly, oh, and Landon. But anyway, so moving on. And then so that's when Catherine's crazy starts to come out again because she's kept her crazy under wraps the past few episodes to the point where you sort of forgot, like, oh, yeah, she was crazy. But here it comes because she's like, well, I'm not so sure I want her there

at a party celebrating my child. It's like, oh, there it is, the my child. That's when she's like, oh, by the way, I'll just take this from you, Thomas. And then he just gets up. You know, the thing is, if it was just Catherine always acting like this, but then he immediately starts acting like it, too. He's like, I'm sick of this shit. I've heard the same thing for two damn years.

And he gets up and starts, he's like, I'm going to leave. And she's like, Thomas, don't go, Thomas. Thomas, don't go with that door, Thomas. And he's like, fine, I'll go out the window then. And he climbs out the window. And I'm like imagining him climbing down. But it's the first story. So you just see his white jeans outside.

And he's like, no, I'm outside. And I'm not coming back in. And she's like, Thomas, come back in here. Stop making me bend over. He's like, no, I'm not coming back in and she's like Thomas come back in here stop making me bend over he's like no I'm staying outside it's like what are you proving and then he actually does come back in so that way he can ultimately go out the proper way it was all

very strange and like it was hot he had back sweat and he was sort of smiling I was like is this staged or are they just being crazy or are they coped up like what is happening right now cause he's not even like, I'm leaving. He's just saying, I'm going outside. Like, I'll be standing right outside the window because I'm so mad. Like, what are you proving right now?

Stupid. Yeah. So good. And then Catherine's like, oh, my God. She's looking around at all the stuff she's just bought with his money. And she's like, Tom is, I'm sorry. Come back. I didn't mean it.

I would love it if Landon comes to the party. I would love it. And he's like, Thomas, I'm sorry. Come back. I didn't mean it. I would love it if Landon comes to the party. I would love it. He's like, alright then. And he comes back in all sweaty and smiley. It's funny how they play each other because she was doing the, you're like, when she says my child, that's her way of saying, like,

play ball, otherwise you're not going to get to see this child because it's ultimately mine and I control it. But then when he goes out the window, that's his way of saying, fine, then you're not going to get to see this child because it's ultimately mine and I control it. But then when he goes out the window, that's his way of saying, fine, then you're not getting any more Amazon Prime. Exactly. And I'm cutting off your Netflix too, bitch. Whoa, whoa, I do. Come back. There's a pressure cooker

on sale. Okay, come back inside. Down he is. So, Craig the cameraman. Why am I saying that craig and cameron oh craig and craig's trying to get cameron to come we've been recapping this for three years with you yeah fucking and cameron's um she's scared of katherine and uh i happen to be in the neighborhood literally i'm not even kidding yeah so um so cameron said cameron ultimately decided that she will go to this thing because she's like well it could be

a good test to see how she and thomas could exhibit calm normal and emotionally healthy behavior yeah i would love to listen to your judgy preachiness because it's really cute but you just showed off on camera the big diamond your husband bought you in order for you to consider having a baby. So please stop acting like you're so above it. I mean, you're better at the game, that's for sure. You got one that will buy you a diamond to make you have a baby. So you win. I'm not saying you don't. But stop acting so above it.

I just appreciated her optimism in thinking that there could be ever any sort of display of calm, normal, and emotionally healthy behavior i was like okay all right cameron calm healthy rational display behavior is where everybody sits around and says nothing unless it's judgmental against somebody else it's like you're just you're so you're as much of a bitch you're just quieter about it listen as a judgmental bitch i really applaud cameron's judgmental bitch game so no complaints for me here i like it when she's a judgmental bitch i really applaud cameron's judgmental bitch game so no complaints for me here i like it when she's a judgmental bitch just to us but then she pretends to be nice in front of everybody else and she's just like she'll tell them but like in that big sister

way i don't like when she's just like we're done with that we're gonna ice them out i know well you know she had a good run she she got a solid two two and a half seasons of being a great, you know, like a really likable reality star. And even in this, she's not wrong in what she's saying. And then she's proven right again because they immediately do just what she thought, but even worse. Exactly. But before that happens, Catherine and Cooper go shopping for clothes. I was like, oh, be careful, Catherine. Cooper's going to put you in a bellhop uniform.

Here, I think you'll look wonderful for this dinner party. I call it bellhop chic. Do they have this velvet outfit in, do they have this in velvet? I would love a velvet blazer, please. And some lovely velvet capris, possibly with brown dress shoes. And possibly somebody of the opposite sex to escort that dress out here thank you

do you have any white gloves for her okay great and maybe a name tag oh god so he's so fucking phony with her and she's so funny too and he sees the way he's just gonna drop whoever thomas tells her to just so she can be shopping for a dress right now. So he should know that this is just another dangerous one. He's going to use him and drop him. Yeah, poor Cooper. He's just so eager to be part of high society. And so is Catherine, too, because she's like,

I've entered a new phase in my life. I'm being a lady. I was like, oh, is that what we're calling this? Okay. I guess we're redefining what lady means. Jennifer calls on the cell, and she's like, hi, I haven't heard from you. Just maybe wanted to come over and see the baby or something. And Catherine's rolling her eyes and shrugging, like,

ugh, I can't believe she's calling me. And Jennifer, but of course, Jennifer is obvious. I think that Cooper's kind of right. He's like, yeah. Because she's like, oh, so how are you and thomas working out it's like geez if you care so much why is that why do you need to call and gossip about my relationship well to be fair though i mean again it's it's it's battle royale between sidekicks you know who's gonna be sidekick number one so of course cooper is gonna say whatever he can to

demote snowden's that way he can be the the tag along not snowed in so you know one of my favorite things is to watch sidekicks battle for position and that's what's happening there especially when they're so obvious like Cooper literally puts her in a black caftan and he even says oh you look like I might be making you into Patricia I'm like uh yeah

I'm like jeez you think so he's like say something mean to me. Here's a bell. I'm feeling a little too welcome with you, Catherine. If we're going to get close, you're going to have to make me feel like you can burn me alive at any moment and cut me off from society. Could you do that, darling? She's like, do you know how to change ringers on my iPhone?

Do you have an Amazon Prime account? What is Amazon Smile? I have to click that thing every time I go on to Amazon these days. Every time I click on that treasure chest, there's not very anything in there for me. What does it mean when it says this item is no longer in your cart? Who is in my cart? Oh, dear. Like, and you see it's like the end of the scene is like, oh, dear.

I don't know. This is not going to work out well for anybody. Oh, goodness. So then, speaking of Patricia, Patricia and Landon meet to have some cocktails. It's sort of this weird older woman giving advice to Landon. She's like, I called you over here to tell you that you gotta look sluttier, okay? There we go.

We look like two nuns. Look at us now, looking like two nuns. And they laugh because they're both wearing black caftans. Yeah. Every scene in this episode. I mean, yeah, every scene in this episode. I had a man's dinner to congratulate Thomas on having another baby that's probably not made out of his DNA. And I heard you and Shepard and I, so go on then, tell me.

That's embarrassing. Yes, we are. I love that this scene was just an excuse for Patricia to weigh in on modern dating. When you look like you've been shot out of a can and you just can't be attractive to the opposite sex. Just put on an awesome caftan. You'll be fine. Stop looking around the room so much and just put on an awesome dress, honey. You'll be okay.

You've only got about five years left before you're unmarriable. So get back in the pool. Lifeguard's back on duty. Did she suggest that Landon should go after Thomas? Was that crazy? Well, Landon supposedly was already boning Thomas. And she asked something about that. And she's like, oh, yeah, great.

Great. And then I'll be stuck to Catherine the rest of my life co-parenting her children. No one wants that. Which is a good point yes it's the most salient point of the episode yeah no one wants that then gosh chef goes and gets lunch with his mom like gosh mom my main question from this episode is how are there not more people dying of heart attacks in this town every place they go to is like a fried something sandwich on mayonnaise and you know french fry toast with a ranch dressing i know everything looks delicious by the way my favorite part of the scene because shep's talking with his mom about love and life and you know landon and stuff

like that and we finally got to the root of why shep has not really been able to get into a relationship and of course it all stems from it all stems from him being massively wealthy he's like gosh i just someone who can i just want someone who can hang with us you know someone who go to the yacht club go to the beach gosh like it's really important that like she can hang out like with us you know and his mom's like oh hell yes yeah she better if this family doesn't like her god god help this family boy yeah like you're not just bringing you're bringing me a daughter boy yeah it was very coded language she's kind of like listen i'd rather you be single than to bring a trollop into the yacht club. All right. Exactly. We can't be, we can't have someone in our family when we're members of the yacht club.

And that's literally where they used to live. Yeah. Rental. We don't mean the yacht club, literally like you're in the club of people who lives in yachts. Okay. Oh man. Poor in a way,

uh, Landon, but not really because she doesn't love him anyway she just wants the money i think landon loves him i mean i think the chep is very charming in a goofy yeah but i think landon landon how she is now the way she's raised and and i'm saying this because of her family members that we've heard like just the things they're obsessed with it's not even looking for real love she sees a rich successful guy that she's actually really good friends with and i see a lot of people make that deal where it's like we're best friends but we're not really into each other but who cares like we're getting older let's just do it maybe we should call this episode the landon before time settling with landon and shep. Gosh, gosh.

It doesn't even really make sense, Landon, before time. It just sounds funny. So now we go to Thomas' house, and there are caterers. This was the most shocking part of the entire episode for me, was that Suzanne was not there to do the catering. It was two randos. I was like, what is happening? Where is Suzanne?

Oh, Thomas is burning some bridges well erm i do not want that woman cooking for my child so no suzanne suzanne is somewhere how to cook she is dead to me suzanne is somewhere commiserating with michael theler. Can you believe I was not invited to cater for Thomas' party? I predict there will be a terrible pot roast. Dry meat, you heard it here first. That prime rib will be grey all the way through. One thing at that party that won't be prime is the guest list. The other's the rib.

Bet some flank all the way way you heard it here first if anyone's looking for me i'm hanging with snow and making sure her meat is perfectly cooked good asparagus so how's your relationship honey shut up shut up and just cook the asparagus not invited people's table she's cooking for whitney somewhere maybe she was flown out to la to cook for the re-nob party I guess I'm not invited to people's table. She's cooking for Whitney somewhere. Maybe she was flown out to L.A. to cook for the Renob party. Renob album launch.

Catered by Suzanne. How to make a pot roast with one hand. Hey, Suzanne, want to go to Jumbo's Clown Room? Sure. As long as I can serve the strippers some prime rib. Darling, please tell me you understand that you're not just up here shaking your titties and then getting food on the way home from work. You do know how to baste a turkey, do you not, young lady?

Is there any salt in this strip club? Are you kidding? There's no salt? Oh, Lord, these strippers have a lot to learn about cooking. These ladies have been left in the marinade for way too long, and I'm here to help. Suzanne Gowen. Jumbo's Clan Room Edition. The strippers are like, where are the pans?

I don't even know how to use a kitchen. Like they could use Cameron's same exact script. I can't believe these strippers left their roasting pan in the box still. Looks like we gotta wash this one off. Do you know how many germs dollar bills have, young lady? Get under this scrub brush. Don't worry, there's soap inside the handle.

I love that we sent Suzanne across the country to cook for strippers. Because she wasn't hired for this party, so therefore she was commissioned by Jumbo's Bond Room but at the end of the day the script is exactly the same so anyway

we're starting this party and they're getting the is this where you're saying the house tour well I was going to say that Cooper showed up looking like a bumblebee oh he sure did you know people who complain about bumblebee looking like a bumblebee oh he sure did you know people who complained about bumblebees don't understand we get stung too he's like blonde melon am i right cooper there desperate swim in the house of no one that likes him like what are you even doing here because catherine's pretending to be your friend for

two weeks this is the saddest thing i've ever seen he hasn't made any other friends this week who's your friend life jacket you're almost out of people Cameron ain't hanging out with your ass what Landon they'll find someone they'll they'll bring on a new uh a new well-to-do southerner soon enough I'm a survivor well that's the theme of this night is just saying things in stupid song lyrics. Yeah. All the women who are independent not welcoming the founder's ball. Now I'd like to say I'll pay

my telephone bill. I'll pay my automobile. You know that Patricia, she's just a bugaboo. Call me up on my MCR phone line. Tell MCR to cut the phone poles. Because Patricia's a bugaboo. She's a bugaboo.

Rain keeps falling on my head. That's all I'm trying to say. Raindrops, they keep falling on my head. Thank you for coming. Enjoy your rib. It's like not prime. Couldn't find the the prime rib didn't know how to make it ladies leave your man at home because the club is jumping jumping except at the founders ball if you don't bring if you don't if you leave your man at home you're not welcome at the foundersers Ball. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. So they first, before the song lyrics begin, we get to go through Thomas' brand new house.

He's like, I have a wife and a children lucky enough to live in a condo. Let me show off my mansion. Come on in, ladies and gentlemen. It's like the showrooms of every winning Price is Right ever. And he's just rubbing it in Catherine's face. He's like, well, Catherine doesn't live here, but her children sort of do occasionally. Enter the living room. Yeah.

Here's my child's bedroom. Notice all the dust everywhere because no one ever steps in here. Is there a nanny? Where's that nanny in the house? I just have one just in case. Deidre. Deidre? Deidre here. Someone get Suzanne.

Just hired a random chubby blonde woman to judge me when Catherine's not around. So I can feel like more of a father. I hired Camille Grammer's friend to be a nanny. Oh, God. What if it was Dee Dee? She'd be like, oh, my God, you're crying right now. What do I do? Oh, I'm so sorry sorry you don't deserve this i have a big announcement we have a new addition to the nanny family ladies and gentlemen miss

caroline ray oh cooper going through the house he's like drooling all over all of the the fine the fine things in life you know thomas you become friends with thomas and you forget he's an aristocrat. And poor Catherine is looking at pictures and she's like, Oh, look at all these pictures. We should get him one of the kids to put up here too. I'm not sure who I'm supposed to feel sorry for you, but it's none of you.

Yeah. I'm just surprised that Cooper didn't knock anything over with his giant boner. I have an aristocratic boner right now. Who was the one who made the periwinkle joke? Danny, right? She's like, and this is one of our favorite rooms. Periwinkle! Catherine's like, um.

She's like, um, um, um. As she was approaching the room, she's going, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um. But she smiled while she made that look, it was like an erm smile it's like well i like that katherine then went outside um well because um because landon landon soon showed up and it was awkward between landon and chep and awkward landon and katherine so katherine goes outside with a cigarette with elizabeth and she's like erm i feel like katherine is like the white elephant and i love elizabeth is like the elephant in the room and she's like, I feel like Catherine is like the white elephant, and I love Elizabeth as like the elephant in the room,

darling. She's like, Elizabeth is like me. She must be corrected. Well, she kind of is the white elephant in the room. She's the one they keep passing around until nobody wants it. Before you know it, they're just shoved off some plantation in the middle of nowhere. And someone else has won the power of veto.

Big brother reference. Welcome to your what? Welcome to the what elephant plantation on the outskirts of every place. Catherine said that she is finally, she's growing up because she's learning how to do a fake smile. I'm like, well, it's about time.

You're on this show. You should, like, you're in the South. How has it taken you this long to put on a fake smile but then she doesn't at all no that's so funny she never she's like look look how mature i'm being she's like rolling her eyes i gotta go outside and smoke a cigarette i can't take it people were hugging and like saying hi and like nice house gross gross so um so then we get to the speech. It's dinner time. The words of wisdom. Where the season

began. As Sunset Boulevard begins with a man dead floating in a pool beginning to narrate his story. This began with a weirdo with big ears and a possible coke problem telling everybody off for no reason. And with a preamble from west side story naturally oh that was so good i that guy i do believe he's like straight as day with

you know we never say that's a very rare to hear on the show because i'm like he's gay right but i totally believe he's straight because he did west side story, and I didn't even hear the music in my head. Wow, that's straight. He will straighten pretty much any musical to the point where you are not aware. It's like, well, you know, it's like Nathan. Good old reliable Nathan. It's Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Detroit. Like, oh, what's he talking about? Well, everybody, welcome.

Something's coming. Something good. Maybe tonight. Maybe tonight. That's from West Side Story. Thank you very much. What? He's like, everybody, welcome.

I want to live in America. Yes, I want to live in America. Oh, I want to live in America. Get to the point. It's a song. Thank you. oh i want to live in america get to the point it's a song thank you you know i firmly believe that the farmer and the cowman can be friends the farmer and the cowman can be friends what oklahoma everyone let it go it all leads back to frozen so thomas just starts going down the line he pretends he's giving this good speech Let it go. It all leads back to Frozen.

So Thomas just starts going down the line. He pretends he's giving this good speech. He's like, I love being surrounded by important, supportive people who give me and my beautiful not-wife, who I refuse to marry, support that we deserve to have. The children that may or may not be mine. Now fuck you. now fuck you and fuck you well the best part for me is that he first he starts with cameron he's like cameron you're self-righteous judgment judgmental and sanctimonious just like my sisters and it cuts to craig and goes oh we don't even know what those words mean

do it in smaller words bro like you're losing your crowd i'm just trying to help like i know last year i was the crazy one but now i'm giving you like dad advice like no one gets those words dude just because you put a bunch of syllables together doesn't mean those are actual words like seriously speak english try passing the bar okay and then pretend you're smart. I will one day! And then Thomas is like, Craig, don't be someone you're not. Okay. Well, that's awesome, because I'm Craig, so, like, I win. Well, I don't know what you're talking about, but literally I have no idea the words you just said, but, you know, that's fine.

Craig, no one knows what these words mean. It's just hilarious. So then he moves on, and he's acting like he's being a badass. He's like, now listen, I'm an armored truck, and they're just the footmen. I'm like, okay, Thomas. Oh, I'm an armored tank, and they're the footmen. Okay, you're like in two different wars. I'm like, great, so you are recreating Tiananmen Square.

Great. So he's just going down the line. He tells Shep, don't fuck every girl in Charleston. That was really funny. I'm sorry. And then he goes to Landon. And the thing is, at this point, everyone's sort of like rolling their eyes. Oh, no.

You can't skip this part. Because he goes, shep instead of trying to fuck every girl in charleston get a girl like landon that you admire in the door i mean look at her sometimes they're just diamonds and you got diamonds in your backyard i mean they just look like rusty stones just wipe them off wipe off that squint put some earplugs in that could be a woman one day she She's like, wait a minute. But you know, up until this point, she's like, I was

mortified. But up until this point, Thomas is going off, and they're just kind of like rolling their eyes, laughing at it, but they're sort of like, okay, he's an asshole, but whatever, let's just get through it. But when he gets to Landon, and he tells Landon that she's been disrespectful, and Caddy, she's the one who

pushes back and then chaos just ensues because she's like i've never done anything against catherine that's not a lie i'm not caddy yeah i've been trying to be her friend for years thomas you know that i never did anything to her ever except not invite her to things i think it's obvious at this point that landon has boned him, right? I mean, I know that they're not really hiding it that much, but the way that she's fighting with him, the only way you can really ruffle her is when you get into a girlfriend fight with her.

Because this is the second time we've seen this and it's both been for the same thing. Right. So then now starts to become chaos. And in the midst of the chaos, I love that JD's like, his heart's in the right place. Everyone is in the right place. He's just trying to be nice, boy.

Honesty's in the heart of the beholder. Am I right? No, JD, please be quiet over there. Yeah. That's my thing to do with bourbon. So then hilariously. Oh, you, you, you. you you no no you hilariously okay so shep tells thomas he's like that that it's thomas's fault that there's this animosity between the women and thomas is like how much money has your mommy given you what's your allowance

i'm like what are you talking about top you realize, Thomas, this is your life, too. He's like, I'm a self-made man. Yeah, exactly. Really? No, you're not. You live off your family money. Name one successful business in the past decade. In the past decade, I'll say.

I haven't interneted your whole life, but come on now. You're trying to run for mayor and raising money to take commercials with strippers dancing around you to not look like the dawdling old damn fool that you are. Please. Yeah. Where did this beautiful new house come from? Okay. It wasn't from your expertise running multimillion dollar businesses. I mean, even JD is more of a self-made man than you are.

You couldn't even stay out of jail for selling coke. Like, you're even a bad businessman with drugs. And people are addicted to buying those you moron yeah and eventually and eventually ravenel just he he and shep just go at it and you know when ravenel when he gets when t-rex gets mad he does this thing where his upper lip curls up and he looks like pure evil it's like it's actually scary and he's got those little slit eyes like an angry hog hog. Yeah, he becomes pure evil, and he's like, I'm a real man. You're a pussy, dude. You're a pussy.

Ew. And they cut to, and you see, at this point, everyone's yelling, and JD is actually looking directly at the camera, clearly looking at the producers being like, so should I say? Is this really happening? Is this really happening? It's the waiter going to bring my gilla, whatever, my bourbon over to the table. Gentry bourbon.

This can all be sold with a shot of gentry bourbon. Been serving fights since 1892. I liked when he said, I'm a real man. You're a pussy. And then Shep goes, you are what you eat, right? Gars. That's kind of funny. You're a pussy. And then Shep goes, you are what you eat, right? Gars. That's kind of funny. I thought it was.

And then, and then speaking, then he's like, Thomas is like, you jump on my back, you will crawl off bleeding. And Shep is like, you're less than me.

I'm greater than you. I'm like, I love watching rich people fight. This is great. They're just, the amount of entitlement going back and forth is phenomenal. Guys just don't even understand what they're saying when they get

so stupid he's like you're gonna jump off my back and crawl off bleeding which means he's just like raped you basically i think in prison that means he won like what are you acting so tough about what happened to your back before he climbed on it geez um but so then at this point people start clearing out and i love this cooper goes up to thomas with his aristocrat boner it's like thomas you're a ravenale you're a charlestonian you're a charlestonian thomas you are a rich rich man with money that goes back generations take me now take me now! Take me now, I say. You, sir,

have an invitation to the Founders Ball. Why would you ruin it over something like this? You have a bridge. What does he have? A dock? No. Not even. You have a bridge, sir. You are from a family that owns a bridge.

It's your duty to not get cross my brother just remember that your grandfather's grandfather used to kill people like me oh it's so hot oh cooper so and then uh let's see what else. Everybody's leaving. And Naomi's like, like, she's traumatized. She's holding her ears like, I have never heard anybody be so mean. Oh, man. Oh, man. Well, then also Landon and Catherine were fighting, too, as everyone's exiting. And then they're fighting.

You know, Landon always is like, I never did anything. I never did anything. And Catherine just goes um stop yelling you sound like a fucking dolphin and that face that katherine makes like her disgusted face like i guess she makes that face it's so funny i just walked away from her and she's talking to people in a british accent now when she gets mad it's so funny she's like darling i actually love that when katherine gets so mad that she goes she does an accent she's like goodbye darling it's like, darling. I actually love that. When Catherine gets so mad that she does an accent, she's like, goodbye, darling.

It's like this weird, not quite accent, but it's her own thing. I sort of am like, yes, because you know in that moment she feels really empowered. Cheerio, skank. The land is just like, white trash loser. So Naomi literally looks like she's gonna barf yeah they all crawl into the golf cart and they they putter off well thomas starts coming after

them and so they zip off so fast they almost crash into a minivan that's passing by them it's great it's great that that's what qualifies as a high speed chase in this show oh southern charm so next week is the season final of this one a well i would guess so because they had this episode next week is going to be what was this 10 or 11 i don't even know how many probably around 10 or so it's like 9 or 10 um but love this show because then next week is the founders ball where more fighting ensues you know when they show clips of catherine dressed and wearing a fur of some person that died and she's yelling at somebody it's a season finale that's like the only time they allow her around other people they um you know they don't fight often on this show but when they do gosh darn it are they always stressed to the nines they are like it's like fur and tiaras.

And what else? It just smells like mothballs around there. You know, it does that dinner party to party. Just smelled like furs taken out of the storage, you know, gross. Um,

so some shares, eh, let's, let's finish it up with a Shah's episode. That was actually, um, pretty intense towards the end there. The old Shaz?

The old Shaz. Well, once again, Reza just decides out of nowhere that he's going to turn on one of his friends. Yes. And go for it. He's like, well, it's the end of the season. Adam said yes. I've gone through all my broaches. Okay, I'll ruin Gigi's life again.

That was fun. Yeah. He's like, well, I see it's really working on OC and sort of on Beverly Hills, so let's just accuse Gigi of faking her RA. Okay. Listen, bitch, that's Persian, okay? I see it other

places and I make it Persian. White people, they say I'm sorry. Persians are like, no, you're faking rheumatoid arthritis, okay? Who gets drunk before getting chemo? This bitch certainly doesn't. Why is Gigi? I'm like, no, you're faking rheumatoid arthritis, okay? Who gets drunk before getting chemo? This bitch certainly doesn't. Why is Gigi? I'm like, first of all, you know what, Reza?

I guarantee that if you were about to have chemo, I guarantee you of all people would be the one to be like, alright, let's have one last drunken bash. I'm like, I can have stripper dick now, right? Because I start chemo soon yeah you're the one who would have that logic it's a total hypocrite and I love that he puts things in his mind like

like she doesn't look like a woman who's about to go into chemo like what does that mean yeah what do people pre-chemo look like healthy yeah you idiot yeah I mean she is self-destructive and she's been that way for a long time. So it does not seem crazy to me that she is continuing to be self-destructive until her chemo starts. So, like, what are you talking about? Well, Reza, one of the biggest shitsters in life. And I guess it bugs me more with him because these are supposedly his real friends. They're not just a bunch of old bitches cast to hate each other. I've

always thought they were real friends, so this show really bugs me when he does shit like that. And he does it without fail every single year. And he drags poor Shervin into it. He's like, Shervin, have you noticed that Gigi's just like partying a lot and she's supposed to be getting chemo? He's like, wow, oh, I

didn't think about that before, but okay. So then he's like, you need to go tell her. You have to tell her. So he's like, okay. I'm sick of you getting to be the nice one. Go Nessa. We think that maybe you don't have RA. Like, the whole group is saying this.

So, like, because you're drinking a lot. And she's like, Shervin, you're breaking my heart. You know? And it's like, I was just like, poor shervin he's so impressionable and so hot and like i'm just doing it because they made him and he's even so nervous he's like i'm sorry but i'm just doing this because you know like you've always had my back and so i have to be the one to tell you because like everyone's saying and then and then reza's just right behind him sipping a drink watching literally reza why don't you just say you? You were right there. You could just say it. And Gigi...

Oh, you... Shervin, you know what right now? Get the fuck out of here before I fucking cut your throat and feed your eyes to a dolphin. Or whatever, you know? She's like starting to bubble. The rage is bubbling. Oh my god. But surprisingly, Gigi did not throw a fit. I think maybe she's

just so used to this bullshit. She's like, never mind. Let's watch the show. Well, it is. I mean, it is. If Reza is saying this, I have a feeling she's backing down because he's being so loud about it. And he's like, yeah, no one's ever had any proof. Like, we think she's faking it, period.

He's not hinting around. He's like, she's faking it. And then Mike's like why would why would she do that for attention why the hell did you get married you know why why did i buy a ring from a dead person for a man that barely speaks because we're on tv dude what do you think i really i really enjoyed how reza took an entire season of beverly hills and an entire season of orange county and was like i'm just to do it in half an hour. He's like,

hey, I just had this idea. She's faking it. Hey, I think you're faking it. Okay, we're done. Believe me or I'll stab you by Gigi. That's Gigi's book. MJ is just like whatever. She's like having issues with Tommy.

I can't be emotionally abusive to somebody because then they leave me and so like when i'm emotionally abusive to him and he leaves that just shows me that people leave i'm like yeah when you're emotionally abusive you fucking asshole yeah um and we're all working up to mike well mike will be the big one we're going to end with. But for Asa, so this episode, she decided that she's going to have a fashion show for Asa Kaftans. And so what always amuses me with Asa is how she tries to imbue this really deep meaning to her entrepreneurial things. She's like, you know, my parents, when they left Iran, they had nothing. And now they just try to maintain. But I want more.

And that's what this represents. I'm like, no. Listen, you said that about the diamond water. You said about your art thing, whatever. Just fess up the fact that you're making some pretty caftans and you want to sell them. It's fine. This bright pink leopard print that I put on this caftan and the gold that I glued on there myself, you know, it's fine this this this bright pink leopard print that i put on this kaftan and the

gold that i glued on there myself you know it's because my parents came from iran with nothing okay like uh-huh what how does this have anything to do with anything sell your business yeah sell your clothes girl yeah stop trying to like not everything pertains to the revolution okay just sell your captains they're very pretty i think this is your strongest entrepreneurial endeavor yet and just be done with it so reality show it's like food network star where they have it's not enough for them to cook a meal and have a product they have to have a story every time they're like well they couldn't their food sucked but their story was good because they're like well look i'm making scrambled eggs because when i was a child i had an

egg and then i heard about somebody getting run over and that touched me and hurt me and that's when i started volunteering for shoes for orphans it's like what and they're like oh those eggs sucked but i loved your story yeah also right now it's like just sell your fucking captain i'll pay you for a captain just to not hear your fucking caftan i'll pay you for a caftan just to not hear your fucking story again okay exactly and you know when she had she's so she's having this chaotic fashion show she's acting like it's the biggest deal ever meanwhile there's like two rows of chairs and either side you know total on both one on each side of the runway um and she's like there's some really big vips coming it's like some woman coming from she's a blogger

from Vegas you know and an intern from an intern from OK Magazine and Latoya Jackson so I mean admittedly I think it would have been super cool to have been there but that's right but I do it for the tweets you know like I do it for the publicity and so like what we do is we get this big hotel and then we ask for people to tweet it and then to retweet it and then sometimes people will retweet it you know because my parents could still be in iran right now like what and then you know she's she does her same thing where she's like i look out and there are two seats that are missing and i'm like babe where am i where are my friends i need my friends like i really need my friends right now. I'm like, you know, Asa, you need your friends for support every single season, whether you are doing a protest in front of Buffalo Wild Wings

or doing an art installation with a film projector on someone's face or doing Diamond Water or whatever. You can only pull that, like, I really need my friends right now because this is a really big deal for me. You can only do that so many times. Well, you're talking to a person who's blocked about 500 people because they won't stop talking about their improv show i'm like you know that you've been doing this every week now for like 10 years stop it yeah stop it just stop no one cares so um no offense

the reason why those two chairs were open at the asa Fashion Show is the big deal of the episode. So it's Mike and Jessica are having issues. And to just rewind back in the episode a little bit, as you may remember from last week, the episode ended with them making out on Hollywood Boulevard. So then they get together at that restaurant on Coanga, which I'm blanking on, but it's like a really good restaurant. And you can tell it was really good because they shoved Mike and Jessica into the back alley. They're like, we don't want you to be seen here. We're going to put you at a table in the alley. It smells like pee back here, but we're glad you came.

Okay, just stay back here. When you leave, just climb over that dumpster. And can you take the trash out thanks um so jessica is dragging mike over the coals and she's being cold and bitchy and he's like totally confused and i realized that what's really fascinating about these two is that i'm constantly going back and forth between being like angry at jessica and be like you know she's such a bitch she's such a spoiled bitch but then at the same time being like you know what good for her she should be dragging Mike over the coals because he's an asshole and I never know which side I'm on like second by second I'm like rooting for her and then annoyed by her both teams lose I mean Jessica I've

totally read again she totally married him for fame but then at the same time, he kind of married her for money and fame because he would have like a storyline. And the only reason she's back is so she can be on the show again. She shows up at this thing for Reza. So now Reza will be nice to her for a few episodes. Cause she knows that it's nearing the end. And this is when Reza ruined somebody, you know?

So she's got him and then she fucks Mike for a night and gets him back. And then she can shoot for another few weeks, you know? So she's right back acting the same as she was before and no one's surprised and furthermore no one cares and i love that mike is going off because he's finally out of this having an affair like anyone is fucking surprised exactly standing at the pool on camera last year like yeah look at these babes which one would you fuck yeah exactly exactly so she's i mean i think what annoys me about jessica is that she she she does go back and forth and she is really pissy and um and it's like on the one hand she is entitled to feel that way but on the other hand it's like why did you come here i mean obviously they probably begged her

the producers begged her or mike begged her and so she's like showing up and it's like i really don't want to be here oh no way because she came in and she sat there and she got on her cell phone and purposely started texting with somebody that mike would catch her like she kept flashing her phone so he would see it and be like what are you cheating on me and she's like you cheated on me and then it becomes like this big fight like she was doing that because that's exactly right because that's exactly what happened she was ignoring him and texting and then he saw he's like who's jay who's jay happened she was ignoring him and texting and then he saw he's like who's jay who's jay she's like no and you know and she could have just been like

oh it's my friend she should have been like it's my gay friend from college whatever but but instead she's like no one i could text what i want i could text what i want and i'm leaving like i'm out of here like to get in this fight and then she of course just like walks around and keeps circling the room and never leaves yeah exactly so at first i was like oh i was like you know and then and you know he has a point he's like what's the why should i try to get back together with her if she's talking to someone else so i was like i was like oh you know mike has a point i was like fuck jessica but then when jessica's like oh you want me okay you know what you want me to out you you want me to out you because you know what you and then i and then i was suddenly like yeah jessica you do it go go out him you show him i'm like all over the map

deal like she wants him basically to admit on camera that he cheated and apologize on camera because he's embarrassed her but he won't do it and they've obviously been fighting about it because he's like i'm sorry babe i'm sorry i was a horrible husband she's like right there okay then why were you a horrible husband say it go ahead and say it and he's like i'm sorry babe i'm sorry i was a horrible husband she's like right there okay then why were you a horrible husband say it go ahead and say it and he's like everything like i was bad but now i want to be good yeah typical typical lying ass man yeah i i i'm not gonna lie i enjoyed watching her make him make him squirm because if he cheated he deserves to squirm he deserves to be you know outed in public. You married Mike. Yeah, she did marry Mike.

But at the same time, it doesn't mean that he gets a free pass. I mean, they're both wrong. I'm with her for leaving him and stuff. I'm just rolling my eyes because she just keeps showing up on camera with a newly enhanced face trying to get screen time even though she's so over it that she can never forgive him. Then bye. You're boring enough while you sit here it's not like she's doing something except swiping on her cell phone and yelling for a while cheeks with like with like tin man makeup from wizard of oz yeah she's she didn't like ingratiate herself with the cast enough to be part of the cast she's just like a girlfriend and at this point she's a temp so bye leave like if you're not going to do anything

entertaining just stop coming back like let him let him ruin someone else's life now i'm here to watch a show yeah i think that she should be the bigger person and just leave but she won't be because she never was the bigger person i mean like you said she married for the fame etc and she just married because she just wanted a ring i mean how many times in last year was she like i think i'm like I've got a ring. I'm going to be a wife. I'm going to be a wife. I'm like – and then it sort of was nice to hear this season that now that she was a wife, she realized, oh, shit.

Like I basically just married to say that I could be a wife and now I'm stuck with this lump who's cheating on me. Fuck this guy. So on the one hand, I'm like happy that she got her just desserts by the other hand I'm like also happy that she got liberated and grew up and discovered that there's you know it's more than just being a wife but then I don't know I think I put myself another cup of coffee and I'm going crazy right now Mike's like I don't want to chase someone I can't catch that's why I insisted on really heavy ass implants

like look at that thing she's not running I can catch her so then they're having a fight and now the Four Seasons is like, we are a classy establishment. So we're going to kick out this fashion show. And it becomes a whole thing. And then Reza's going after Mike. And you just hear Reza saying over and over again, Mike!

Mike! Mike! Mike, what's happening with you and Jessica? I just got married. I can't take it. Mike, we need to talk. Mike! And then to talk. Mike. And then Gigi.

What was Gigi even doing at this point? Well, I think. Did they even show her again? No, she was just like sitting down. She's like, okay, fine. I'll let them have their story. I'll do mine next episode. Mike, to think another man is venturing into the ass implants I paid for.

Like, disgusting. Yeah, so Reza's screaming. Reza's the one making the most noise, and he's in no fights with anyone. He's just starting them all. And then they do the fashion show, and then Gigi, I mean, not Gigi, Asa goes to stand on her red carpet in front of the, like, white rain. Asa Kaftans. You know, like, icy ice.

Or whatever. The sponsors, and no one's there and she's like babe i'm taking pictures right now can we do this later she's like there's no one to interview her there's no one taking a picture she's just standing there on an empty red carpet for us and russ is like babe uh you know i had to miss it you know i would not normally miss it but like mike was going to like he like, going through a crisis. Like, Jessica was leaving him and Mike had an affair. And so, like, I had to talk him down.

And it was, like, really important. So I'm, like, really sorry, babe. Also, I think that Gigi, I don't think she's really sick. I think she's awful. Let's go, like, make her life hell. Awesome. Babe, I need my friends, babe. Like, you were my friend.

Like, I just needed you to sit there. But then she forgives it because she's Asa and also because her friends' personalities are the reason that she has a platform to sell this shit in the first place because Lord knows she ain't causing a lot of havoc on her own, you know? Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Bless those crazies. She knows where that money's coming from. She's got to fill that bank in the front yard again. It's missing all the gold coins now. She's turned that in for, like, shipping of caftans worldwide. Yeah, exactly. So next week, it looks like they go to Belize,

and it looks like Shervin's going to get into a fight with Gigi finally. Shervin finally does something this season, other than being hot. So he's going to, like, be like, Gigi, go Nessa! Go Nessa! Be quiet, go Nessa!

Shervin proving more to the world how gay he's not by waving his fingers around in the air and rolling his head as he yells at gold nessa like you want to go there please i was like oh girl here he comes you want to go there gold nessa i hope it comes out i hope that beast comes out i hope that gay beast comes out and he's like, girl, you best step back. I'm like, yes, girl. Welcome, Shervin. We've been waiting for you, darling. And that'll round us up

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