Watch What Crappens - #3012 RHOC S19E12 Part 1: Self Defense Classless

Episode Date: September 26, 2025

This is part one of a two-part recapReal Housewives of Orange County spends time at a self defense class where Tamra and Gretchen have it out over the Nelson rumors and Gretchen pulls a hilarious prank where she sicks a fake carjacker on her friends. You can watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens.  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Watcher Crappins ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Hello, and welcome to Watch What Crapins. I'm Ronnie, and that's Ben. Hello, Ben. How are you? How are you? Welcome to Real Housewives of Orange County Day here on Watch What Crapins.

Join us Monday for Amazon Live at 4 p.m. You can find that on Amazon Live. Okay. And there will be links on our Instagram at Watch What Crapins. And also, that's it. Oh, also our bonus this week was a great British bake-off cast roast, which was really fun. So go check that out. Next week, we're going to cover something totally different. It's going to be super fun. Ben's already picked what it is. I can't wait to do it.

It's going to be amazing. Good one. So thanks for being here, everybody. And thanks to Jeff Lewis and his team, we just did their show today at Sirius XM. That was super fun. Thanks to Patreon, actually. We went to a Patreon mixer last night and saw a bunch of podcasters that we love and adore and had a good time laughing with everybody. Lars from Sop, Matt Marr from reality gays, malls from Mother May I Sleep with Danger. I mean, so,

Courtney from the Bravo docket. Courtney from two judgy girls. Brandy and Julie from dumb gay politics. Heather McDonald was over there. All kinds of people were over there. So it was good to see everybody. We actually met this guy who was a TikToker and he was so cute

and like too young. So I'm not like thirsting over him or anything. But he was like he was young he was like a twink but he his whole thing was that he's an eater on tic-tok and i've been obsessed with it ever since like i looked through his tic-tok i was like how is this a thing and when can i start like what the hell and how am i not met a man who's an eater i want to meet an eater that's so hot he just sits there and eats the fucking food on the tic-tok i'm in love with his life and we how many followers did he have again like 1.5 million people been watching him eat Yes. I love it.

And he was so sweet. How privileged were we to be able to sit front row and watch them eat? We watched him eat. 1.5 million people who are clamoring around their phones. And we got to watch him eat a steak right in front of our eyes. He was lovely. Also, we met Sam, Sam Sanders, who does actually like a million podcast, like vibe check, et cetera. But he's also on NPR.

And he's wonderful, too. It was so cool. I'd love meeting the fellow podcasters and, like, chatting with them and having a good time. So, yeah, I'm like, if my voice is a little raspy today, it's because there was, like, a lot of, like, shout, talking happiness. Like, oh, my God, yes, exactly. And I'm drinking. So I apologize if I sound a little raspy or a little more countess Luann today. Oh, well, well, yes.

But that's just how it goes. Yeah, super fun. So thanks for showing us a good time, fellow podcasters and Patreon. All, and today we are back with Real Housewives of Orange County, season 19, episode 12. It's called defense. Defense is the best offense. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Because it's about self-defense, right? So we start actually at the self-defense class. We're going to get some, like, little clips to wet our appetite for future controversy. And it's Gretchen and Heather and Gina and she. Shannon and Gretchen's like, are we ready for some of the fence? How was

your guys tripped? And Gina's like, it was fun. And Gretchen's like, really? What'd you guys do? And he's like, we rode these like motorcycles and these like sideclaws and I feel mad. And we see clips of how fun this was with Shannon's snot blowing all

everybody, all over everybody wacky laughing and stuff. Yeah. And Gina thinks there was progress made between Tamara and Shannon. Okay. And we see the dinner and there was no progress. Okay. There's no progress.

Tamara's like, you know, I know it's a difficult conversation, but, you know, real friends have conversations. And, you know, real friends like me, having conversations with real friends like you, with real drunk dads. You know, I just, it's important than we talk about it. Okay. Yeah, we see flashbacks to Shannon Big.

I grew up in a bit of chaos. Oh, yeah, because your dad drinks. No, Tamara, I know you're trying to help, but that's like too much. It's just, you know what, I can't, I cannot do this with you right now, Tamara. I cannot do this. Jesus Christ, every time I say one thing you jumped down my throat faster than kettle one jumps down your throat. I'm sick of it, bitch.

Watch out another glass of champagne alcohol, stupid bitch. They're like, yeah, they did well. They did well. Yeah. It was a good trap. It was a good trip. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for telling you that.

Emily, do you mind tell me what you, how LA was? What was like, what was that like for you? She's like, well, Gretcher's. Which, by the way, now I officially hate it. Thanks to you. Oh, I can't stand it every time she says Gretcher's. I just can't take it. I can't take it.

I'm going to rip off my face if they say Gretcher's one more time. Gretcher says loose lips when she drinks a lot of fireball. What you mean? What you mean about these lips? And of course, she was. Gretchen was saying, I have audio of her trying to sing in a studio, and it was not very good. Gretchen, have you heard yourself?

I'm not saying the Tamara sounded good, but you are throwing, you know, water balloons in a carnival. That didn't make much sense. I really don't like you. That sounds nice. I don't actually sound fine. That sounds endearing. I just don't like, don't throw rocks when you live in a glass house. I mean, I get what it means.

It just sounds so painful. It's not like throwing rocks. I don't care if I live in a glass house. I don't want to be covered in gashes. You really shouldn't throw anything if you're living in a glass house. I just want to put that out there right now. Well, a water balloon. Why are you throwing anything in any sort of house?

If you're in a house, don't throw anything. It's still a house. Okay, you can mess up a wall. Just stop throwing things. Okay. Don't throw pearl necklaces when you live in a, when you live in a blonde house. That doesn't make sense either. None of it makes sense.

you're hack and you're a terrible singer so please stop with your voice judging okay that's the point I have to say for those of us who are lucky enough to have heard that recording of Tamara that of course resurfaced over the past week it's sort of been in my head like the recording is the recording is like 30 seconds but like her actual singing is maybe two literally two seconds and all she does let me see if I have access to my falsetto today but all she does is go celebrate no hate that's it and i have that like little refrain in my head all like all week long celebrate no hey celebrate the hate celebrate the hate celebrate the hate yeah it was just a tiny little a tiny little snippet so um yeah so um yeah so gritchers

Gritcher showed it. And so then we see the clip of Slade being like, well, actually, the two of them started messing around and they forgot they were recording. The guy from Nelson, both of the brothers from Nelson. She was banging them both while they were singing the song about no hate. And Emily's like, wait, there's audio of them having sex. So we see that whole clip.

And then Tamara hears all this. And she's like, wow, wow, bitch, wow. Wow, really? She's doing that like thing where she makes blow lips. And she's just like, yeah. Really bitch. It's the old sucking on the invisible straw face. So then we see like stuff that we're going to get to anyway, but it's basically like,

and then not too long afterwards, fighting. So now 48 hours earlier. And Shannon's at her house. Talking to Archie. Oh my God. I'm called. Hey, Archie, I'm going to call Sophie on the phone. Oh.

And you want to call Sophie right now, Archie? You want to do that, Archie? Archie, you're not still drunk from that walk late at night, are you? Come on, Archie, where to call Sophie? So she does, and Sophie has, I'm assuming a new gay friend in her apartment building because I don't know anybody else who would talk to a mom like this. But Shannon's like, oh, wow, Andrew. Thank you.

Because when Sophie called me and said she wanted to come home, she was at your place, and I just love that you live in the same building and you watch out for her. And he's like, oh, yeah, I also brought the goods for us, wine, candy, and magnums. I was like, wow, wow, I'm hoping that you're discussing the chocolate covered ice cream treat that you can get in a freezer section. Please tell me that's what you're saying. Please say it's the Blu-ray of Magnum P.I. Because that was one handsome man. If anybody can get over, heartbreak is with that one.

That mustache. I tell my ladies, friends. Do not talk about venuses with my daughter, you even? Okay, good to call. Good to talk to you. Oh, God. Oh, Magnin B.I. I tell you. Friday nights, 8 p.m. One hour. Do not disturb because Tom Selleck is on my TV. And I am wearing my Blue Bloods T-shirt. Okay. Woo-hoo. So then we go to Britt's house. Gina is coloring her kid's hair with Britt in the kitchen. Who's just basically Kelly Dodd. It's like she's a Kelly Dodd with like downers. Like the crazy pills or whatever. So they're dying to kids' hair

And they actually bleach it blonde And she's like, oh my God You look just like your mommy He's blonde just like his mommy And now we just need to get to a dry scalp Yeah And then we go to Heather And she is FaceTiming

With her daughter on FaceTime She's like, hello Are you excited to be wrapping up your tour of duty In Paris? She's like, yeah I just don't want to leave And she's like, oh really? You don't want to leave um and she's like you want to see vincent the cat's like yes please show me vincent grandma's on the phone grandma you know it's so funny i remember one time we put wendy malick on face time for vincent

and that cat crawled up to the ceiling oh god good memories i've never had a cat asked me to be put down before so then we go over to um emily's house and her daughter annabel's painting her nails. And she's like, I'm going to show you how some of this works because you're like a little delulu, mom. You're delulu. You don't understand nails. A del lulu. I'm going to get you some busted nails, mom. Busset. She's like, yeah, mom. You know what? You used to get like really dark red, right? Isn't that what you used to put on? Yeah, it's called hooker red. Yeah, I bet you used to be one. Oh, stop. You don't even know what that means.

She's like, yeah, I do. That's when do you hook up with men. I mean, you know, she's close. And Emily's like, I've been with your father for 16 years. All right. And then I'm both like, yeah, but what was before that? And Emily just makes a little camera like, yeah, no kidding.

My taste level was there. Before that was aspirations. And then Shane. Oh, thanks, mom. So then we go to Jen's house and Ryan comes in totally just casual, not ready for TV at all. He's got like blinding teeth and like perfect Terry's like, hello, it's me, Ryan. Hi. I thought we said we weren't going to get stressed over this wedding.

Wink. Don't marry this man. I'm telling you right now, do not marry this man. This man's going to cheat on you. This man's going to take all your money. Nothing good is going on with this man. We all can see it coming. It's obvious.

It's as blinding as those tea first. Don't do it. Yeah, yeah. So she's like, well, I'm just like going back and forth. Like, do you feel like we should maybe do the September wedding instead? I don't know. What do you think? Still waiting out, holding out for that offer from Bravo.

He's like, listen, I think that sometimes you just need to like put a flag in the ground, right? Put a boner in the jeans. Okay, we're just going to do it in September. We're just going to stop waffling. Oh, my God, waffling. I don't even know that was part of the buffet. Oh, I have to go back to the wedding planner now. I can't have waffles as part of the buffet.

They're going to have fatty photos of me. You know how these girls are? I thought we left waffling in the past. Yeah, she's like, well, I just got so freaked out because Dawson's moving. He's going into the Marines, and I just was starting to put every wheel in motion and get everything planned. And then boom, my son's going into the brink. What does I have to do with anything? Just have your wedding.

It's a bikini wedding. It doesn't take that much planning. I mean, what are you getting some sandwich trays from Ralph's? Yeah, seriously. for Christ's sake. Yes, she, I guess her reasoning is that she was like thinking about moving up the wedding. So that way Dawson could go before he goes to the Marines. Are you not allowed to go to your mom's wedding if you're in the Marines?

Do they not give exemptions for that? I don't think so. I don't know. I don't think so. I don't know. I thought like family values. Have you not watched that show with Teresa Judice that's on right now? You would know.

Special forces. Special forces unit. How about special exemption? for special occasions. My mom's getting married in a bikini this weekend. Can I go? You're going to be like, no. No.

It's like, oh, it's like that's like what our, it's like, we have to do things other than you go into a bikini wedding. So she is like, I'm, she's like, well, I just kind of had this freak out moment, you know. I was like, oh my God, I'm marrying a guy who has paint splatter on his denim. And I'm just like still having them. And then I realized, Dawson's doing this. And then we're going to get married. and then we'll get married and then we'll work around that when Dawson's home and I'm just like I guess this was a flashback when she was talking to Gina and Gina's like you know why are you putting that pressure on yourself so I guess that that helped Jen snap out out of this and not freaking out so much about this wedding planning this is the most low-key housewives wedding planning we've ever seen by the way there's like this casual kind of like a wedding thing happening in the background of the season and like no one cares about it it's like barely even registering on any of our radars

Yeah, just go back to your roots. Get married in a parking lot and call it a day. That's what I say. Just wear some flip-flops in a bikini. Get it done. Last time she went back to my roots. She wanted to putting my hair in her hair. I got married on TV.

That she's getting married on TV. Oh, really, big. Really? I wore a bikini last summer. Now she wants to wear a bikini. Oh, my God. Single-bye female. Yeah.

So she is, like, freaking out about this wedding that nobody cares about. And I just like her whole attitude is like, this is really, really hard on the kids. Seeing me marry somebody that's not their father. So I want to make sure they're all there to watch it. I know. Let Dawson take a break, okay? He actually has an excuse not to be there.

Let the man live, okay? None of you sign his damn loan for that kid to go to college. So just leave him alone. Let him go live his life. You know, my first wedding was so want, want, wah, wah, wah. you know violins and orchestra and sit down dinner and food and past apps and you know wedding band and music and people having fun and a photographer and I just want the complete opposite of that I want us to sit in chairs that are sinking into the mud and no one's even playing any music it's just

going to be great a great rebellion I'm like that first wedding sounded okay but basically she's like I want to get onto a boat we're going to drink Malibu and party all day long we're just going to have a big old trashy boat fun boat time and that's it yeah uh so then we uh why are we still in the scene it goes on for a very long time it's still going on i thought it's now he's two pages ago so now we're talking about temecula and um she's like well the house was insane and tamra just kept saying you should get married here and i'm not going to lie there was a part of me that was like this could be easy tamara's already booked it now i can book it it'll be my It's a trap.

It's a trap because Tamara will be like, oh, all of a sudden she's having like a wedding at the place that I said she'd have a wedding with why she's copycating all the things I tell her to do. You know, it's like I would not touch it with a 10-foot pole. Now she's having a wedding in the house that I found. The house that I found. What's you going to do next to have a motorcycle and a sidewalk. So she's talking about having dinner and then how things went south with Shannon and Tamara. And on the way home,

Shannon didn't say one word. Shannon, stop being so fucking miserable. Like, honestly, you're on a TV show. If you don't want to hang out, I don't blame me for not wanting to be around Tamara, but your misery level, listen, and I love Shannon's misery. It's not like Shannon's never been miserable.

That's Shannon's point is being miserable. Like, I get, she's fulfilling her role on the show, but it's like 90% of the time now. It needs to be like 40% of the time. We need the good times mixed in with the bad times. Right now, she's just ratchetion. Ratchett. There I said it. There I said it. Or what are you going to counsel me now? You know, I gave her that word. I gave her that word. I did enjoy the flashback of them driving in Tamara's Trashmobile.

And Shannon just looking at the window like, I am so angry. I'm so angry. I can do nothing. But look at the beautiful scenery of Carl's juniors and McDonald's going by as we drive back from Temecula to Orange County. I am just livid right now And everyone will see it Because I'm looking at our window I am extremely upset And I will not even share with you people The Avocado Mountain Story

You told us that one I'm ready, Shannon Damn it! Fine Oh, okay, well We just drove by And he says, I guess we're not going to stop by And look for fashions there That's fine, that's fine, we don't have to go there

We don't have to go there Don't listen to me Um, so Ryan's like, you know, I actually gives Shannon a lot of credit because she's got her own boundaries, you know, and she's like, I tried and now I'm out, you know, and that's just how it is. Also, I hate Tamara's guts. So I'll support anything that Shannon does.

It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crap and's commercial. Speaking of, let's go to Tamras where look who's back home. It's Eddie. It's Eddie, guys. Eddie back from Big Bear, where he's been hiding out all season. Here he is. he has come in and he said you know what america it's time to change things around this time

you're going to get some charisma out of me just kidding he left the charisma and big bear again so now he's talking to the dog he's like you poop more than any dog i've ever met yeah Eddie that was a good one here here's the watermelon wow very Martha Stewart of you okay just because you serve something on a platter does not make you Martha Stewart come on Eddie I don't got anything to do, so I'm going to take that fee out of the Music Institute, which I love because that was a scene that we saw of Lisa Vanderpump taking Max to Hollywood to the music school and acting like it was like, I don't know, what's a war-torn country right now? Insert, war-torn country here.

He's like, oh, darling, I can't do it. Please, armor the car. Who are these people standing around on the street without showers? Yeah, she really, like, she was acting horrified. She did look like she had, like, walked into Ukraine. She was like, oh, watch out for Putin. And she was just walking down Hollywood Boulevard. That was amazing.

It was really, truly, like, the scene in big business where the limo or the taxi cab drops them off, like, in the middle of the Bronx and Ben, Miller, Lily Tom would have to, like, walk to the subway. And they were like, like, what do we do? So, Tamara is, yeah, she's just. We have a flashback of her talking to Sophia, who is, like, ready to go up to L.A. And, like, you know, advance her music career. God bless.

This is the right move for this, this poor girl. Get out of there. And Tamara's like, it's going to be a sad time when Sophia moves out of the house. But then I'll be the hottest one in the house again, bitch. So she's my last one at home. And but I wanted to experience going to college, making those friendships, going out, having fun, coming on late, doing things I wasn't able to do. afternoon snacks, late night snacks, going to Starbucks, wake it up in the morning.

I'm like, these are such basic things. Like, I wanted to go outside. I wanted to make friends. Poor Tamara. She's really been deprived of some real building blocks of just living. I mean, I get the college far, but she's like, making friendships, going out, having fun, coming home late, you know, stuff I wasn't able to do.

Tamara, we've watched you going out, having friends, ruining friends, coming home late and you've done all that. What are you talking about? Tamara. But I get what she's saying. You know, how can you have Ryan at such a young age and now be at this age and look at what Ryan has become and not feel like.

God damn it. I could have got the music school. What the hell? I'm wasting my time. We've been watching this show for about 19 years now. And every time we see one of these housewives children preparing to spread their wings, I think we're all just kind of like do it. out. Get out while you can. Don't be an

Lucy Angel. Run like change your name. You can be the one. Burn your fingerprints off. You know, just get the hell out of here. Especially this girl. She's so sweet and she's like an artist and she's like edgy and she sort of has like a Joan Jek kind of hairstyle.

I'm like, you should not be in Orange County. This is not your place. Go to Hollywood. Go to Silver Lake. Find the hipsters. Be with the artist. Do not stay here in like Costa Mesa or San Juan capistrano this is not like dana point is not for you sophia please go go find your path yeah so tamera's like you know shannon shannon shannon was miserable on that trip just fucking miserable yeah and you

shared with me that your dad had a drinking problem you know what so i said maybe your dad has a drinking problem and she's like how dare you i mean i just can't say anything about you just can't call anybody an alcoholic anymore i can't do this with this woman and who more i'm too hot for this and eddie's like well until somebody is ready to help themselves you can't help them right martha stewart she's good no she was up and up she's talking about the difficulty she had growing up and the problems she had with her dad and i was just trying to add to that conversation and not call her out or anything i wasn't trying to call her out i'm just trying to remind her that her alcoholic bloodline has a point one o bacc level that's it

Dang, you know, she got mad at me for calling her dad an alcoholic, because I said the alcoholic, you know, because the dad's an alcoholic, he's an alcoholic. How she doesn't get mad at I'm saying the dad's an alcoholic so many times in a row? You know, if your apple doesn't fall far from the tree, especially if it lands in an apple, martini glass, you know what I'm saying? So she's pulling her whole, like, I just don't know why she's so mad at me. I just trying to help.

I didn't think it was such a big secret. And then we cut to Shannon. Oh, I wish that I could believe that Tamara had only good intentions, but I know her. Fool me once. Shame on you. Fool me twice. I will start a show called Trace Amigos with you. Full me three times.

I will scream at you until you try to have me thrown into a mental hospital. Screw me four times. I'm going to make you salmon with hoochies on the inside. Stuff a salmon with cream cheese and serve it to you. Before I yell at you. Fool me five times. I will have you go move to New York and give my daughter a magnums. Fool me six times.

I will go to a Lucille Roberts and I will complain to the manager. She has crossed the line with me. I will never be friends with this. Hold on, Tamara's calling. Hello, I will meet you at lunch. Can't wait to see you. Love you too. Okay.

Wait a second. That was a robo call. Okay, well, fool me seven times, and I will not get to the phone any longer. Oh, well, she's calling back. Hold on one second. Okay. Oh, it's another robocall. Okay, well.

Yeah, and I'm just trying to move forward with Batchen to you, but that's just a whole different circumstance because this got a chat week for 12 years. This, wait, this reframing, this reframing, this reframing of Tamara, this episode cracked me up. The way she has turned the tables and made herself her. own victim where she's like she's like say that Gretchen's been attacking her for 12 years she's been attacking me we have been watching we will always remember that reunion we will remember naked wasted we will remember the re you will remember we will remember did you go to Bass the Bass Lake I mean we like you have been coming for Gretchen all this time and at this point if Gretchen comes for you it's just like it's it's kind of like earned retaliation in my mind at this

points. Yeah, it's just Tamara. She's so good at reframing everything because she knows they can only show so many clips, right? So, and we the proof of Gretchen coming for her is 2017 at dinner. So, do you know if Eddie's day or not? And

one of the guys saying, I saw I'm making out with the guy. Dun, dun, done, done. So Eddie is like, yeah, you're talking to Gretchen. Why would you talk to Gretchen? And now let's go over to Gretchen's house. Yeah

Skyler Gray Skyler Gray Skyler Gray Skyler Gray Skyler Gray isn't that sort of like naming your kid

Grace skies I don't know well they'll clear up so then the doorbell rings and it's actually two brands of vodka

and one you've got Sky and Grey Goose I'm not really sure if you want me to drink your baby do you want me to drink your baby

I'm Well, you know, there is a rumor that she was conceived while they were listening to the Mr. Belved ear theme songs. Well, that's hidden three for three. So, as far as I can get with my vodka jokes. Run, people, run. Sorry, that's dumb smoke. Absolutely. So anyway, I love that there's a lady who arrives to pick up Skylar Gray to take her to school or as a nanny or something.

Her name is Miss Aaliyah, and she is basically like the nanny for Muppet babies because we don't see her. We just hear Gretchen. I don't even believe it was anybody there. I think it was just a Facebook filter or it was an Instagram filter that came to pick that kid out. Because Gretton's like, protect your skin. She's just like, take this filter with you. Wear it everywhere you go. Miss Aaliyah is here for you.

Go away with Miss Aaliyah. Miss Aaliyo's like, I'm not, I will not be seen on camera with this lady. I will not. Gretchen's like, are you sure you don't want to put some pearls in your ears? Like, no, just give me the child. It's like, I don't want to come anywhere near you where you're going to try and erase my face again. Do you remember when she was, when she first had her kid and she was like face tuning the baby on Instagram and people were having a fit? Yes.

Like, you don't FaceTime. You don't face tune a baby. What is wrong with you? Gretchen, she's got an obsession. She can't stop erasing everyone's face. She loves. She just is like, listen, no one is opposed to face tuning. It's a fun little thing to do.

But Gretchen just like puts it on Max and then it goes back and like it's locked in and she face tunes it against. That way it's like face tune on the face tune. And then like pretty much like half the people on her Instagram look like that, that Jesus, like adjustment that that little old lady did in Spain. You know, it's just like it's just like a gradient. Everyone just has gradient faces. It was just a gradient.

The gradients with eyes. Yeah. She's like, but I don't want my baby to look old. It's like, it's your baby's one. Would you stop face tuning the baby? Everyone thinks you've given birth to a pencil eraser. So a pencil eraser with a bow in its hair and a crucifax around its neck. You know, come on.

Jesus, give the baby a break. So Gretchen is now that the, Now that the child has disappeared into the ether, Gretchen is like, I was so tired last night. I went to sleep and I felt like I didn't get to fill you in. We were all having fun and being silly and letting loose. And somehow my music got brought up and it made me think about when Tamara went out to the press and was talking shit. Tamara Barney says no housewives should sing defies her own Bravo job description.

That's the headline we see. And Slade's like, oh, so you talked about her music career? She goes, yeah, about the music. And so that's rich coming from Tamara talking shit about Housewives trying to sing. She's in a freaking studio trying to sing, and she's sounding like a drowned rat. I like that she just keeps saying that. No one's told her that that's not what a drowned rat is. So you look like a drowned rat.

You don't sing like a drowned rat. Maybe you sing like a rat that's like stuck in a door. I don't know. Also, the rest drowned is not singing. to break it to you. There's no noise coming out of that rat. Also, to be fair, when Gretchen says that's rich coming from Tamara, like, see, you're lying again on camera. Nothing rich comes from Tamara. She's not a rich housewife.

So they ask her if she's heard Tamara's singing voice. She goes, yeah, it was not great. But that's okay, because she gets in a forever. Gretchen, we've heard you sing. I mean, I can't stress this enough. Just you're not, don't bring up anyone singing. And especially your own. Please don't bring up that you're, no one needs this.

So Slade's like, oh, yeah. So he's like, oh, yeah, the song she did in that studio where she fucked Nelson. Yeah, I remember like Slade doesn't know this conversation's coming up. We saw you guys on the phone two nights ago talking about this whole thing. Slate's like, you guys talked about this? So bad at this. By the way, have you seen Slade's website, his production website, someone posted him on Reddit. It's like, this production company, it's all the people on it.

except for him are from AI. They're like people that you can search the pictures and they show up from like, you know, image sites where you can pick images and pay for them. And then the credits, he's like, yeah, we've produced Real Housewives of Orange County and

marriage boot camp. You have not produced them. You've been an under five on these shows, sir. Or like a one season wonder on these shows. You're not a producer. It's so crazy. You're below the line. So Gretchen is like, yeah. Well, I was trying to talk about the music so the fact that you brought up the part that we told you to bring up

god that really frustrated me i'm like legitimately like mad that you brought it up and he's like oh yeah i apologize it wasn't my intent to cause conflict by saying on camera that tamara was bonings a member of a boy band possibly nelson possibly another one and the fact is that she's the one that did it so sorry like you are such a fucker don't make us stand up for tamara on this one but you're being a real piece of shit as usual slade well that's the thing you know and gretchen can't last on this show because she's she's gonna get fired for the same reason she got fired before slade who wants to fucking work with slade trying to be a housewife over there starting fights with housewives saying vile things about like we're not here for this slade okay we're not here

for you go away and take your eraser face with you please yeah and gretchen gretchen Gretchen tells us, you know, Slade is, you know, you know his shenanigans, shout out sheenan, shenanigans. He always goes more than what, that one he needs to talk about. And then we see a footage of Slade saying that Tamara looks like the Michelin man, you know, on his standup. I'm like, Gretchen, you married this man. Like, why is this not a deal breaker for you? I'm sorry, I think this is a deal breaker.

I think this is actually, like, he's a piece of shit. And you can't just be like, oh, he just always goes a little bit too far. No, that's terrible because Tamara goes too far too. And look what your thoughts are on Tamara going too far. But yet you're willing to also just like bring this man into your life. Well, that's why she likes him because she uses him as her batting ram, you know. She's going just as far as he is. She just likes it.

So she's like she can send Slade out to do all her dirty work and spread all this shit like she has all season and then be like, oh, slain. Then she can blame him and look like, oh, you know, man. You know, Gretchen has the ability to be like a really Like a really good real housewife She really does You know, when she first burst on the scene

She was great. I was such a big fan of hers She came back on this season. I was like, wow, Gretchen is killing it And in all cases Her, she starts to curdle because of Slade And it's just, it's unfortunate Because I hate seeing I hate seeing raw housewives talent not being used to its fullest.

And Slade is just always going to be the metal ball that will drag her down. It's a shame. Yeah. So she's like, that guy's in the doghouse right now for sure. So she wants to move forward. But, you know, everything's going to remind her something Tamara's done to her in the past. And Slate's like, well, I'm not giving good advice because I'm bitter as hell over all that stuff. But, you know, I'm trying to be a better person.

I don't even know that she's trying, but look at me, at least I'm trying. Just, you know, spreading roofy rumors and, like, you're really trying, Slade. Okay. So then back in Tamri's yard, Eddie says, yeah, you know, Gretchen, I don't think she's even a good person. I mean, Shannon's harmless, you know, unless you're a house that's in the way. And she's just very into herself, you know, she's not malicious. She's just wacky. I'm okay with her.

But Gretchen, I think Gretchen's evil. Okay. You're kind of invalid, though, because you're sitting, you're married to Tamara. Yeah. Gresh is not evil. I'm sorry. She's not evil. Don't throw dumpsters when you live in a possum house.

He's like, she was calling me gay. She is the epitome of evil. Ugh, who would even say such a thing? Like, you should be so lucky, Eddie. No kidding. It's a compliment. You could use it. You could use some gay in you.

Yeah. So Slade's like, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube after all the stuff she said about me and Ryan, it doesn't get taken away. Like, how does a person like that have an authentic relationship with anyone? Well, that's actually fair. So Gretchen's like, well, I do think that they've already realized it. For instance, even with Emily yesterday, she has a whole thing where she's saying to me about Tamara that she doesn't like Tamara.

Blu, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's a flashback sound. Well, I wouldn't trust Tamara because like, do I want to hand over information? sensitive or personal and then one day she pulls it out and throws it back of me no thank you do i want to pull out this turkey sandwich from my purse and share it with camera no i don't will i eat this turkey sandwich right now to remind america that i'm a wacky person i will it's from my purse i love emily saying she doesn't want to hand over information that's sensitive or personal because it might get thrown back at her which is what emily does every single episode of

this show literally that's all that's all Emily does is take everyone's sensitive information and explode it in their face over and over again. And she also cons people into thinking that she's on their side. Like for instance, right here, when Emily says that she wouldn't trust Tamara, but then immediately, and she's going to curry some favor with Gretchen and build a bond. And Gretchen will sort of like do some light confiding. And then Emily will go and run to Tamara and then explode it all up. And it's one thing that's always made me crazy about Emily is she can't even play a long game. You know what I mean? Like a good talented real housewife would do what she's doing in a more subtle way and just build a case and

keep it going but she's it's like five seconds later she's like oh so you don't like tamar either no she doesn't like you tam bro okay so you have a recording okay and this happened to the record tammer she has a recording oh my god your season would actually be much more entertaining if you weren't blowing your load every fucking episode you know so patient yeah and yet she's going to rode Katie off for being, you know, shady when Emily is doing all this bullshit every single episode in an uninteresting way. And then they're all dumb. They fall for it. And it's like, she's so transparent. That's all these people. Yeah. And now look what happens. She doesn't have Katie to bully and mess with anymore. So now they're going to turn on Gretchen, which I don't

like Gretchen, so I'm fine with it. But it does show that she's just going to try and ruin whoever else is next. You know, lame, lame, lame Emily, bad work. Lazy. Lazy. It's easy work. Lazy house wivery. Commercials. Here comes one right now. It's time for us as Bravo viewers to take some stock about some things, which is that Emily and Gina have been on Bravo for about seven or eight years now.

And they still have yet to have a single iconic moment, line, gif. incident anything there's not there's not a clip clip there's not a you can't be stupid and smart you know there's there's not a um um you stole my goddamn house like there's just there's like nothing well there's like turkey sandwich that is that is no turkey sandwich no i mean that's not even really that much of a thing like we it really it was like in that season it was sort of a thing but you know like all these years later and like the truth is Everyone, everyone has said, like, Gina is actually awesome. Like that everyone who's worked with Gina said, like, she's kind of the best.

And I have to imagine maybe that's why they come back because maybe Bravo really likes working with them. And I have no doubt that they are probably like cool people. But the truth is, we've been watching these people. And some seasons, they're better than others. Sometimes we're like, you know what? They actually are. They're doing their job. They're stirring the pot.

Why are we always so shitty to them? But I think the issue is that even with the stirring the pot, even with doing the things they're supposed to be doing, where this deep in and there's still nothing for us to grasp on to as fans, it just is like, it's just a big groan. And so now here's Emily doing her shit again. So here's how I judge how successful a real housewife is. That's why I was looking at my phone in case anybody's thinking I'm just over here texting while that's talking. I was looking this up. I like to go, you know, when you send a text and you.

you can send a GIF or whatever, like the images section, so I'm showing it to people on demand right here. So that's what I do. I type in Real House Wells of Orange County. Kelly Dodd is first, just making like a little movement. It's like a movement get thing, no words. And then we have Tamras, that's my opinion. Then we have Tamras, God, I hate her. Then we have the messy gay that's with Gina Keow throwing a wine glass at. For him, getting it there. Screaming. That's why you're getting a divorce. And then we have Vicki's whip it up. And then we have Shannon screaming something. We have Gretchen.

He's like, we might as well throw jello shots into it. We have a couple of heathers, another heather, some Vicky, some Tamara. We even have a Megan King Edmonds. Megan King Edmonds had moments. We even have the swimsuit designer Lizzie thing something. Lizzie has. We have another Kelly Dodd. There is not an Emily or Gina in this entire thing.

After eight years, I mean, come on, even that boring lady, what's her name? Peggy, Tennis. Peggy? Yeah, I got to be more specific on this show, right? Ronwin? No, the one, Lydia. Lydia. Lydia has a couple.

Yeah, I mean, like, you can say, oh, remember the time when Megan King Edmonds was just like tenacious against, like, you remember the time when so-and-so did this. Remember when this, remember when Heather, like, sat down Shannon and, like, Redover Filt or, like, yelled at Taylor about IMDB? Like, there's always, they're, like, little snippets that, like, that, like, we, we grasp onto, but, like, with Gina and Emily, we're looking back. Mala. There's nothing. There's no, like, one of, no, like, those special moments. Like, if you're doing a top 100 moments of all time with Real Housewives, what moment are you

putting in for Emily and Gina. I'm not even trying to be mean. I'm just building a case of like, I think it's time. I think it's time. I think their time has come. Axeum. Get rid of them.

It's over. So Gretchen's like, yeah, I mean, she's literally pushing, pushing being part of like trying to hear the song, which is going to make her friends sound bad. So she doesn't like Tamara either

because she wanted me to play the song. Gretchen, you brought up the song. Of course they're going to want to hear the song. You can't make them sound like bad friends just for wanting to. to hear this yeah so she's like yeah i'm like was i proud of the fact that even that it even got to that no but my heart and soul was telling me like i don't want to be a mean girl and that's not

my intent that's why i called you to be mean so i didn't have to be mean why were you mean that was so mean of you to be mean i'm so mad at you're in the dog ass here's a thing grecian you could have been messy and you could have been like oh well you know Tamara tried to sing and you could have literally just left it at that. It would have been funny and try to, but you said, yeah, remember when she was having the affair with Nelson? It's like you said, like, you add, you, you can't act like I was trying so hard not to be a mean girl. When you added the, you not only, you didn't add flames to the fire. You didn't add like oil, gas the fire.

You provided the, you provided the matches, provided the gas. You provided the little, the little drum that the fire is in. You provide the logs. You provided everything for the fire. You were the fire. Don't act like you were like held against your will to become a mean girl. Yeah. So now we go to Tamara with her daughter walking down the glamorous Hollywood Boulevard.

They're naming stars. They're looking at stars. And Tamara, they just don't know anybody. Tamara's like, here's Patty Page. Sounds like a bitch. Here's Bob Hope. That's a stupid name. Fred Astaire.

What the heck? okay here we are at the music institute after walking down a whole street of no names losers you're a bunch of losers okay they should have poop emojis instead of instead of size bunch of poohs stupid I know it's a sigh yeah so they go in and Sophia meets with a guy in there and he gives like a tour and Tamara's talking about how you know she's like oh yeah she makes her out music now she can probably tell you better than me I'm just a hot one who's get for the rad. And

they just go on a little tour and it's like, it's cute, it's nice. I'm actually happy for Sophia. And there are definitely flashbacks in our minds to Max Todd, et cetera. And we go through all these facilities. And the funny part was at one point, she's talking

about what kind of, she's saying Sophia's talking about the music, like her inspirations. And she's like, I really like Alice Glass or Crystal Castles and like trip hop stuff like Massive Attack and LDP is pretty cool. And she's like, what? Me's a vandip? Which is a fun, neat little tieback

callback to the original scene. So, Sophie is like, yeah, my name is ugly angel. That's my artist's name. And Tamara's like, Ugly Angel, so stupid. And he's like, yeah, that's edgy. That's edgy. And for paying tuition, I'll pretend that that's a good choice. She's like, yeah, I'm really inspired by people.

They, you know, they look at the tour and the facility and stuff. And then it's time for them to talk. You know, so Paul has to leave. And Tamara's like, can you off for this? Because whatever enrollment methods we should get you in here, are you going to drive? Or are you going to move here? You want to move here.

You should move here. Ryan lives right on the corner. He's right out there right now. She gets some change in the can. Come on. Go live with Ryan. You're going to love it. She's like, well, you know, I just feel so much more confident about this now

because I don't want to be stagnant. you know i mean look at you mother like hey bitch yeah but that's that's the last thing i want to be but like sometimes i'm like okay with being on my own now you know so they tamer wants to cry of course she's i want to cry at everything it's like actually absurd how often you're crying mom like i appreciate your support but like i don't for the tears okay i love you sidney i i just want to say sidney you're doing the best job and i've done the best job raising you And no one named Sidney is ever going to call me a bad mother again. My name's Sophia.

Shut up. Shut up. Just shut up. Just go with it. Roll with it. You know, but I was 20 years old, my dream was to go to the Fashion Institute, you know? I wanted to do some fashion. Believe it or not.

That is hard to believe. It really is. It really is. You would think that you would have read something about fashion before ever going to do that. I mean, so you wanted to go to the Fashion Institute and now you just defile it every day of your life. I was going to get every girl in North America shoulder pads and cutouts. I always wanted to bring this kind of shirts that are just two pieces of cloth under your armpits that you pull towards the middle of your chest and then you tie with a giant brass door knocker. Always wanted to bring those to the masses.

If I had my weight, every girl and every woman in America would have gumdrop hair. But at last, I never got to do it. I got tired at home with the baby And that was just a different life for me Just a different, different life With a horrible, horrible little baby And she's like, Mom, you're probably my biggest fan Like you're being so supportive

I'm so grateful And what's your name? Sidney Okay, good job, I'll pay for it, okay, good job So then we go to a med lounge And Jen is going to get a facial With her daughter Everly Everly, this sweet girl, Everly, she's, like, way too normal to be on the show.

I mean, this is what always happens on Orange County. Well, I shouldn't say, Orange County actually has some, I would not say it's track record with, like, super chill, normal kids is great. But this is something on Housewives that we see a lot is just like these really lovely kids. And you're like, why are they being dragged into this? So they go and they get facials. And this is Everly's first ever facial. It's a big moment for her, you know? Like, I know, like, in my religion, when you turn 13, you have, like, a Barabat Mitzvah and you become an adult.

And I know in, like, blonde religion, when you get your first facial, you become an adult. So I'm just, like, so proud of this sweet person. Blonde religion. Yeah. So they do that. And they talk about boys and she's going to high school and she wants a boyfriend. Mom, you had a boyfriend in high school. She's like, yeah, but, like, when I was young, that's what everybody did.

But, you know, you're supposed to be at home, you know, doing dances. with your elbows on the internet. It's not what kids do now. She's like, no, I want a boyfriend. So they have like good, cute, small talk, but then it moves on to marrying Ryan.

And she's like, so you know, when you get married, typically you have your best friend stand with you and, you know, Tamara's accusing me of being a stalker right now and as I'm going to probably wear the bikini she wore last weekend on our trip, I don't think it would be appropriate

to ask her. So I wanted to tell you, you're my best friend. Would you like to stand for me at my wedding? And she's like, I mean, I've never even been to a wedding mom. And my first wedding will be standing. She's like,

is it weird me being married to Jack Tripper's neighbor instead of your dad? And she's like, I'm really, I'm really happy for you, mom. She's like, okay, well, are you, are you sure you weren't? She's like, please don't marry that man.

Please don't marry that. He wears Hello Kitty jogging suits. Please. and I love that like we see that the two of them are doing like this joint confessionals and Jen is like you know and and Everley's like sitting there like crying and Jen's like I mean Will and I we were we were a really good family and when that splits and that goes away I mean there's there's just no relationship anymore I mean it's truly like morning of that I mean obviously look look at this one just sobbing look at this man what a mess

look at my daughter isn't she so sweet what a mess look at her obviously look look look she keeps on doing this she keeps like pointing to her daughter. Like, I mean, look, am I right? Look, she's a mess. My daughter. It's like, Morgan. Look at her. Look at her mourn. It is crazy. Like, yeah, well, let me tell you why I want to be married again. I want to be married because I love having a partner, okay? And Ryan's my partner. And I feel like dad and I were parents. And marrying Brian changes nothing because I'm still a parent and your dad's still a parent. So you see how that works? So I still love your dad. You know, I just don't want to speak to him or have him in my

vicinity. But he feels like family for me, family that I hate. And I will always fight for that relationship with that always, which I'm doing by marrying the man I cheated with him in a parking lot of Tamara's gem. So it's going to go great. She's like, please don't may. I can't stand. I can't look at his teeth without hurting my eyes. Please, love. It's just such a shitty trade because I'm finally prioritizing.

I'm finally being prioritized in relationship with a man who spends time with me and who's my best friend. And then I look at the collateral damage. This one over here. dumb dumb next to me look at her crying this was so crazy when she goes look at the collateral damage and she just points at Everley who's like sitting there crying it's like look at it look at that collateral damage

we had to postpone her first facial by two years because she couldn't stop crying oh god it's in these moments where I just feel like a failure I mean big old blubbery mess next to me can you have even call yourself a success as a parent when you got this one next to one national television I don't think so do you think that your mom's a failure and Everley's like

um no i don't think my mom's a failure at all she's yeah well it's just gonna take some time to work on the confident answering but um thank you thank you so much everly thank you so much cd mo collateral damage let me make that you know i just want to marry my best friend and show you the best version of your mom that may have some paint splattered on her face that was supposed to be going on to the denim and i just want to do want you to do that by my side, okay? But you're gonna have to not cry at the wedding. Well, you can cry but like happy tears, not lateral

damaged tears. You can do that, right? Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one, of a two part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers. Watch what crappins would like to thank its

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