Watch What Crappens - #302: LuAnn Is High On Life!

Episode Date: June 16, 2016

"Real Housewives of New York City" is on TV, which means we have another fun podcast. This episode, we discuss the fat tipsy bitches, LuAnn on the verge, and the Real Housewives of Orange County Uncensored. Come listen! 00:04:13 - Mailbag 00:19:27 - RHONY 01:20:10 - Gossip 01:25:03 - RHOC Uncensored Subscribe at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins. That's texture.com slash crappins, texture.com slash crappins. Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What crappens. coat wearing Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com and the Rose Pricks podcast all about The Bachelor. Hi Ronnie. Ben!

We are doing it. Are we not? We sure are. Oh my god. We're doing this on a late night and we're doing it again because we're loopy and of course whenever you have a lot of shit to do and you're doing this late at night, technical issues aband. Exactly. So I'm flying

east tomorrow, yet again for the umpteenth time, this time for my college reunion. So we're recording on a Wednesday night and we were all good. We were all ahead of schedule and everything. Lo and behold, Time Warner Cable with their shitty connection. I have spent the past hour trying to

fix this damn Skype connection and it's just been miserable. Apparently, my modem is outdated, something that they did not tell me for the past year, even though they've been charging me for up-to-date service. They're like, oh, well, your modem can only handle this speed, even though you've been paying for the high-upgraded one that costs $70 a month. So I'm infuriated. I went through that last year with them them and then they're going to send you this new one they're going to come over and they're going to give you this gigantic one i mean the thing looks like a cylon from battlestar galactica it's enormous and then you look it up

on the internet like put the model number in and it has like one star everywhere it sold you know what suck a dick time warner and not in a good way yeah yeah bad have a bad dick sucking experience i am so mad i'm like really so livid i did a speed test 0.5 megabytes per second uploading and downloading it's it's it's and i'm paying 70 a month for what's supposed to be up to 50 50 megabytes not 0.50 outrageous i've been there and you know what people are in their cars right now driving like that god damn Time Warner I thought it was just me you have to stalk them I would call them every day and they would

bring someone new out every day until it was fixed and it was a long time like I know the people I know all the people in my neighborhood there's only one hot one yeah well I'm going to start my journey soon your Time Warner journey. My Time Warner journey.

But in the meantime. For those of you new to the show, have fun picturing blowjobs with terrible, outdated modems. There you go. Welcome to Watch What Crappens. Thanks for joining us. Welcome to Watch What Crappens. So anyway, please come to WatchWhatCrappens.com to get all our social media links like Twitter and Instagram and Snapchat, whatever. dot com to get all our social media links like Twitter and Instagram and Snapchat

whatever go to Facebook dot com forward slash watch what happens like our Facebook page because it's really awesome and pretty much all the Bravo gossip you need the moment it breaks is right there it's like the magic of the internet and Bravo TV all in one space and then of course you can support

us on Patreon dot com forward slash watch what happens where our supporters gain access to things like a bonus episode once a week we did one this week on orlando which was a barrel of laughs sarcasm uh we we also uh but it was really good uh we all there's like monthly hangouts and other cool perks including the crappins mailbag um so everyone go there too and that's i think that's it for the housekeeping right that's it that's it i'm done cleaning this house i don't want to clean it anymore um why don't we open up the crappin's mailbag

let's do it go go go, Joseph. Go, go, go, Joseph. Go, go, go, Joseph. So. Okay. So, which couple has the least amount of romantic chemistry? Did we ask that one already?

Oh, no, I don't think so. This is from Benjamin Cohen. Hi, Benjamin. Hi, Benjamin. Benjamin, I sound like I'm scolding myself. Which couple on a currently airing Bravo series has the least amount of romantic chemistry? Is it Carol and Adam, Tommy and MJ, or another couple that sticks out to you? I would say Carol and Adam, as I don't believe another couple that sticks out to you, I would say Carol and Adam

as I don't believe they've ever kissed, much less fucked. He'd probably crush your hips. They'd probably start a fire. It's like two hip bones rubbing together. It's like hip bone rub, hip bone rub, hip bone rub. It's natural, but we're not going gonna cook any meat on it um i feel like who has the least chemistry i

mean what about john and dorinda there's not a lot of chemistry there but i can see why dorinda likes john because she can just abuse him and yell at him like she can't even hide the hatred she has for him and she doesn't even bother. She's like, ugh. In this episode, she's just looking, and I'm like, you disgust me, John. Let's see. They have good

hate chemistry, you know? I can't think of anybody who really does have good chemistry. I think MJ and Tommy actually have decent chemistry. Maybe it's because they're talking about splooges and boners so much that i'm buying it or splooge um let's see terrible chemistry i think that tammy and tamra and eddie have pretty terrible chemistry i've never really understood that one yeah um well use an argument could be made for kenya and matt on uh on atlanta also oh the rent a boyfriend they're already done have you been reading all that stuff that's so Well, an argument could be made for Kenya and Matt on Atlanta also.

Oh, the rent-a-boyfriend. They're already done. Have you been reading all that stuff? That's so good. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't think we even talked about that, but they basically broke up. She said that he knocked down a door in a hotel in Mexico,

and he says it's all wildly exaggerated. He says a lot of super un. You know, the usual stuff. Super unintelligible things in a really long rant. So, so good. That is one of the best relationship breakups. It's kind of like the Walter breakup with Kenya Moore. Like her rented date. They just go crazy.

And then she's like, they abused me. And she's like, and the poor guy is like like this was not part of our contract okay like i said i would date you for a season not that you could just openly ruin my life and i would sit here and be okay with it crazy lady yeah crazy lady i'm trying to think i feel like there's someone else that we have like you know i think that we've like lambasted for having terrible chemistry maybe it's how about jules and her husband michael as evidenced by the fact that they're getting divorced that's a good one um i think that ramona and mario could have been there but i mean obviously that's already over i really i think you would have to flip it and say who actually does have chemistry because they're so rare

yeah i think that's yeah i think that's a good uh that's a good inversion of the question um uh let's see uh more questions about are we going to be doing a big brother podcast what we'll talk about in the bonus episode so deliza d says patty lapone decides to add housewives of new york to her impressive body of work could you imagine imagine a scene with LuPone and Luann or Bethany? What would it sound like? Oh, my God. Okay. Let's just do the scene from tonight.

Be Bethany in the scene at dinner from tonight when she's talking to Luann. Okay. So, should I be Bethany? You're late, huh? Why are you so late? I was late, too, but you were even later than me. Literally, I was bleeding. Literally all over my vagina.

All over the car, everywhere. I went to TKTS to see you in concert, and I bled all over it. I can't. Literally, I can't. I've got blood coming out of me. Hemorrhaging. Oh my god, are you okay?

I've got tickle-stitch Tommy Tune. Oh my god, it's Tommy Tune. Are you okay? You're still late. Sorry you're bleeding, but can I have another glass of wine, please? Literally, like, who's Tommy Tune? Is that like a machine? Is that someone that makes a tune?

Is that like Charlie Tuna? I don't get it. I don't understand what you're doing, Patty. Why are you singing Tommy Tune? Why do you need a tune? You're already singing. I don't get it. I don't understand the brand. Are you trying to be a singer? Are you trying to be a composer?

I don't get it. I'm sorry. You know what? I'm sorry. I can't get it. I will not listen to you, but I can't anymore. I've got to see Tommy Tune. I met my soulmate in just one week, six weeks, four weeks, whatever the timeline may be.

I'm going to get married. Can I come to Mexico? Okay, great. I'm coming. I'm going to Mexico. Can I come to Mexico? Okay, great. I'm coming. I'm going to Mexico! Are you in Crystal Meth or something? Are you in Crystal Meth? Like, literally, I can't. Like, I don't understand all these songs. Like, literally, if you sing another

note at me, like, literally, my walls are gonna be up. Okay? Like, literally, kill me now. Like, seriously, like, just drop the chandelier on top of my head. Okay? I can't. Like, literally, like, Phantom of the Bethany. That's all I gotta say. I know you didn't bring up Andrew Lloyd Webber in a discussion about Tommy Tune in Mexico. Like, literally,

like, seriously, just like take my Technicolor dream coat and just like strangle me with it. Okay, just like turn it into a rope and just strangle me in it. Like, just hang me with my Technicolor dream coat.

Like, literally, like I don't even care if I can like figure out my dreams. Okay, like I don't care. Like, I had a dream about seven cows and I thought, okay, I'm gonna make seven more bottles of booze. Okay, that's literally that's all i can do i

can't i have to stop no i can't all right well let's take a break talking about that what's new tequila mexico i'm new magic and i invite me to mexico with everybody else aren't you okay i'll come thank you for inviting me check please bye tommy tune please patty lapone but only let her do singing patty lapone on real housewives of new york please yeah i love the idea of that okay moving on michael horn our dearest dearest michael horn says that since you guys ranked all the non-housewives shows on the bonus episode a few weeks ago i'm curious what your rankings for the housewives cities oc atlanta new jersey beverly hills new york city dallas potomac miami dc would be if that's too difficult maybe just name a few name a favorite and at least and the least favorite um that's favorites easy for me new york city and least favorite new jersey see all in the same area right across right

across that's your least favorite i'm surprised i thought you loved that jersey one uh no jerseys jersey has gotten so bad it's it's it's at the it's the worst of them all i like i like dc better now at this point i jersey had of some strong seasons but it's it's floundered way too much. And I always get on my little soapbox. It's just too hard for me to muster the strength to find sympathy for Teresa Giudice and her husband. Like, I'm sorry. Like, you can't make me root for this person who committed fraud. Yeah.

I mean, I thought it sucked way before then um so welcome to the club ben finally finally we can hate that show together yay i would agree that that's the worst i like real house as a melbourne probably the best but we can't count that and my my memory span is so short that i choose the one that's on at the moment. And I mean, look, you can't, no one can deny that New York City is effing hilarious every single week right now. So I would say that too. But my usual favorite is Beverly Hills. But Lord, that one really tested my patience this year.

Yeah, it tests a lot of people's patience, which is funny because it didn't test mine really. But everyone else, a lot of people were saying, talking about how boring that season was. But Beverly Hills sometimes goes up and down. but I think Beverly Hills is a strong one I would always I'd put New York City number one Beverly Hills two and probably Orange County as as a strong three sometimes even a two I mean Orange County has been so on point the past two seasons it's it's it's clawing its way back to the top of the heap orange county's been amazing um i'm trying to think i loved me some dallas but i think that's just because i'm from texas

and i love that liangic hilarious um i think atlanta is a solid number four i think um you know it always seems to start strong and then and then it kind of loses its gas about 25 episodes into the season. But I think Atlanta is a solid number four. It just doesn't get higher for me because I never feel like they tackle anything that's terribly real. Occasionally they do, but usually it's like bullshit about Cynthia Bailey eyewear. So it's hard to get that. You know, that midget husband trying to pretend he's

you know wearing like adult motorcycle jackets and like stupid trucker hats and platform shoes and i don't yeah can't with that but i love that show usually this was a weird season for that because one episode would be so boring it's like we're quitting this fuck this show and then the next would be the best thing we've ever seen so who knows i don't even think they have any idea when they're because remember it would be really boring and then they would have oh now they're in miami and then there's some guy trying to beat up kenya this is the best thing you've ever seen and then that girl tammy getting locked out and then trying to climb the fence to get back in and then making a horror movie with on their cell phones about tammy oh let me in okay yeah like when you have episodes like that the show is amazing but then when you have episodes

of and now this is going back but nini climbing onto a tour bus and screaming at kim zolciak just because she needs a fight it just feels hollow yeah but it's but it's not but it's it's like a solid it's like a solid hollow that's why i think it's number four i just think that like it's a solid hollow it's a solid hollow i just think that you know oc they orange county has really brought it i mean shannon bedore has has really been a godsend and we're going to be talking about orange county today because we will be discussing Orange County Uncensored later on.

Thank God. We have much to discuss on that front. The pre-Bidor. Yeah. Yeah. Pre-Bidor. It was right before the Bidor era began. Right. They should have called it BD

before David. David. David. David. Do you have sex with multiple partners? David. Who's Whistler? Who's Whistler's mother, David?

Let's look at the table one more time, David. I dare you. David, are you going to load the chandelier? Here lies Shannon Bedore Okay enter the whistle music Here lies Shannon Bedore Killed by an avalanche of lies At Whistler Okay so we gave it

All the way to the Olympic solid bronze Yeah And the rest is just a mishmash What Okay, so we gave it all the way to the Olympic solid bronze. Yeah. And the rest is just a mishmash. What? Bronze is fourth place, right? No, it's third place. Wait, gold, silver. Oh, and then it goes bronze.

What's fourth? Fourth is like tinfoil. Congratulations, Atlanta. Here's your tinfoil award. Yeah yeah you get a ball of tinfoil and then i think it would just go probably miami potomac dallas dc new jersey oh god i think i would put potomac even behind jersey so So Potomac gets my final place. I thought that show sucked. And I know you loved your Potomac, but if I'm saying that that's worse than Jersey, at least Jersey has Joe. So what?

Who cares? And Melania. There's so many good things I can name about that show. Karen. Karen is hilarious in her awfulness karen's hilarious in that do you know that horrible muppet with the big humongous beak who's got like sam's okay she's that but like it's like a really flamboyantly drag queenie gay sam yeah you know the the only problem with potomac is I was really into it,

but then the last like two or three episodes, it kind of fell apart. But however, Potomac still had more drama going on in it than anything, uh, in New Jersey in the past, you know, or I should say more, I can't even say compelling drama, but you know, I just liked Potomac a little bit more. Um, but, but here's the, here's the thing, Potomac, little bit more. But here's the thing. Potomac, Miami, D.C., Dallas, not a big sample size in terms of seasons. Some of those have only been on for one season. Some only had two or three. So when you compare it with New Jersey, Jersey's been on six seasons or so,

maybe 6.5 if you count Teresa Checks in. And I think that's more damning. If you've been on that long and you just can't produce anything good anymore and you haven't been for the past like three years that is that is more of an offense that's that's more offensive than some show about sir berman potomac that was supposed to be an entirely different series and got you know rejiggered to become a real housewives show so i can't hold that against Potomac. You know, who knows what season two has in store for it. Remember, Miami season one was only okay on season two.

It was one of the best of all the Housewives seasons. Yeah. Yeah, I'm with your... Yeah. I'm just glad it's done, that Potomac. I don't even need to stand up for Jersey. I will say, I think I do have a special love for Beverly Hills just because it seems like the most

epic because we've seen the most faces on that show. I mean, Jesus Christ. Look at Lisa Vanderpump. I mean, Vicky does it on purpose. She's trying to become Gretchen, but Lisa Vanderpump is a different woman every year and so is Kai. All of them. They look totally different every year. So it's like

the biggest epic. It's the biggest sprawling epic of a Housewives franchise. Yes, I agree. Definitely the most faces on Beverly Hills, even though not as many bodies. Alright, well let's wrap up the Crabbits Mailbag. We've got a lot to get to.

I'm looking right... Ronnie, I'm so touched. I'm looking right now at my window, gazing upon Hollywood, and there's some building that is lit up in all sorts of rainbow colors. Aw, gay pride. Aw, they're all lights. Yeah.

So let's get into Real housewives of new york city uh because it was once again hilarious talk about new faces this episode opens three weeks after the last party after ramona's party okay okay it's new year okay merry okay christmas okay and uh it's three weeks later everybody's face looks crazy um they all got their housewives you know you said that word rejiggering which is like such a meemaw word and it kind of touched my heart when you said that it's not funny how gay pride touches you but hearing meemaw terms touches me they're sort of one in the same but go on so those faces got the housewives rejiggering of the

three weeks off and they all look crazy ramona ramona's face made this entire app like a lot of good stuff happened but mostly for me it was just ramona's face yeah i mean ramona's national treasure that's that's that's the beginning the end of it everything she does is hilarious i mean we were watching it together actually and ramona would just be like okay all right you know what and we would just start laughing like she wouldn't even get the sentence out just something about the way her eyes there was one moment where her face reacted to luann because luann was off her rocker you know like 2016 may not be the year for luann because she is stumbling out of the gate with craziness. But Ramona reacting to it was just pure gold.

Those eyes popping open. And then she kept saying the same, her new phrase, which is just killing me every time. Let's face it. It's appropriate. Let's actually look at faces. Let's face it. It's three weeks later. Okay. Let's face it it's three weeks later okay let's face let's face it

okay all right it's 2016 now okay let's face it the calendar changed okay whoa this is crazy this reminds me of when i was a little girl and i remember i thought it was the same year and then it turns out it was january it's a whole new year, and I couldn't believe it. And Geraldine Parsons Smith said, hey, get with the program. It's a new year. New you. And to this day, I still say I refuse to acknowledge New Year's. I refuse. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm still the last year. One, one, one, six. Okay? What a weird pattern. Six at the end, okay? Like you just don't belong here, six. It's so strange. Like what is this? The year 11, okay? Like, you just don't belong here, six. It's so strange.

Like, what is this? The year 1116? Oh, wait a second. I'm reading the calendar wrong. See? This is why I don't do calendars. I'm sorry. It's day class A.

I'm sorry. 111. Oh, my God. It's bad luck. It's like, no, no, Ramona. It was 9-11. Oh, okay. It's all good then.

Okay. Okay. Why did we spend a billion dollars then? It's like, okay, It's all good then. Okay. Okay. Why did we spend a billion dollars then? It's like, okay. Ramona, just please stop that. I love her. So we open this episode three weeks later with Sonia just full of shit as usual. Like, Sonia can't even wear a pashmina.

Believably. Like, this pashmina. Wow, you realize it really made us wait for that i couldn't think of the word it's like what am i trying to say i just remember thinking wow that pashmina looks like she just bought that off the street because it's like still got all the really tight fold marks i was like sonia like i need something to wear just get me that just get a pashmina get one of those things oh god she probably bought bought it from one of those electronic stores that sells cameras.

She found the one Pashmina that's for sale. The Apple iPone. Wait a second. I charge it on computer number three. So Sonia's all full of shit as usual. She's like, oh yeah, she's done PR and social.

Get back to her because I don't need social from her. That's why I have you, Alex. Yeah. Which is Sonia's, like, transitioning transgender intern. Alex, that is. And I just love that she's, like, trying to act as if she's making some sort of personnel changes. You know, as if she's bringing on the big guns now. I'm like, all you're doing is pushing around some Xeroxes, you know, on the table.

You're not doing any hiring right now. Yeah, you basically got a transgender person a really chunky sweater. Like, that's the only change you've made in this house. Stop fronting. And then Luanne clomps her way in. And she's like, all right, girl time. Like, get out of here, Alex. I know.

Alex, by the way, so beautiful. Looks amazingly or looks very similar to Avery somehow. Did you think? Yeah. Alex. I know. And Alex, by the way, so beautiful, looks amazingly, or it looks very similar to Avery somehow. Did you think? Yeah, I could see that. And, and unfortunately,

unfortunately, his journey has been, is repeatedly undermined by Sonia being like, Hey, look at him. Look, look how beautiful he looks. Look how beautiful.

He looks just like my daughter. People think he's my daughter, but he's not because he's a boy.'s like i don't use those pronouns well you know what look i just said say be whatever you want to be but girl like you're gonna go that far at least try and talk higher it's like this beautiful woman sitting there in a chunky sweater and then she's got this beautiful smile luann's like oh well hello she's like hi it's like what are you the you voiced by the brawny paper towel man jesus christ fem it up girl well you know alex is you know indisposable for for uh or irreplaceable at sonia

morgan industries and we learned this because Sonia brings Luanna to the kitchen and she lets us know that Alex made the pitcher of water with limes in it. Alex made this. Yeah, he poured water into it, put limes in it. Can you believe it? It's amazing. Bethany's got nothing on me. Alex is like, I learned it on the internet.

No need to thank me again. Oh, Alex. Well, Alex was staring at them through the window, got nothing on me alex is like i learned it on the internet no need to thank me again oh alex well alex was staring at them through the window sort of mournfully like is this really going to be my legacy water with limes oh poor alex uh and luann coming down they're pretending like they've never talked luann's like well what about that party at ramona's a eh? Yeah, three weeks ago. You know, even though we've been living together for three weeks. Let's talk about it now for the first time. And she's telling her, well, I couldn't believe how you were acting with Bethany.

I thought you were going to make the first move. You were supposed to go to Bethany and say, I'm giving up alcohol forever. And she's like, what? I've been wanting to do a Prosecco forever. That's not something I stole. And she goes, since what? I've been wanting to do a Prosecco forever. That's not something I stole. And she goes, since when? Since forever. That's actually be the name of her next perfume.

Sonia Morgan. Since forever. Girl. She's also, by the way, she said since forever about 10 times. That's her new phrase with everything. Like, oh, yeah. No, Alex has been working. No, since forever.

I've been drinking water with limes in it since forever alex the pitcher of prosecco with limes yeah stolen from me so sonia finally made a really important delineation between her brand and bethany's brand i believe what she was, people who want to be skinny drink Skinny Girl. I'm doing fat tipsy bitches. If she had done fat tipsy bitches, there would be no issue. Yeah. It would actually outsell Skinny Girl ten times as much. I'm not doing

skinny bitches. And then Luanne goes, is that the look you want? Fat women only with daughters with man voice is that really what you want out there on the market that should be the name of the podcast episode fat tipsy bitches give it time yeah that'll get the pitchforks coming up after watcher crap and people won't understand what it's for and son Sonya just pinpointing the issue with Bethany being mad at her. She's like, the problem isn't, she's like, it's

not a problem that you know, I stole, that Bethany just doesn't want me to do Prosecco. The hurdle is, she thinks it's an insult. Like, you don't get anything. You literally stole the name. Okay, you didn't even steal it. You let some shady ass businessman steal it and then steal the name and then add you to it.

And you knew about it because you signed a contract before you ever spoke with her. I mean, Bethany is a damn monster for the way she spoke with Sonia and berated her like that. But, I mean, Sonia was never right. Yeah, and later on when Dorinda also was like, you got to say that the business is off the table. And Sonia's like, well, you know, that's crazy that you asked me to get rid of my business, to just get rid of a business. I'm like, well, you shouldn't have actually started up with this brand, you know, in the first place. Yeah. Okay, lady who hates abandoning businesses.

You've got some, like, white bread sitting there completely not toasted. So if you want to, like, name how many dresses have you sold, you never even sold any dresses on your website. Okay, we're not falling for it, lady. But the fun is that she's so completely delusional that she's like, well, the real insult is Dorinda. And then she's like, well, here, fine. Fine, girls. There. I quit drinking. Okay? So now, Luanne, you don't even have to be in the middle of it because everyone's mad at me for being an alcoholic,

and now I'm not drinking. That's the only way you can win with these girls. And then she's trying to drink the water. She's holding this big glass of water. It's like a total rocks glass, by the way. It's like her vodka glass, full of water. And she's like our vodka glass full of water and she's like she's disgusted no by the way didn't dorinda at the top of the season say she was quitting drinking didn't she say something like that yeah like you know we're just we're not gonna drink as

much anymore we're not we're not we don't drink we barely drink anymore like wasn't that her whole thing also oh yeah when she came in she's like, she's like, hey, you know, I've just been taking a bit from drinking. Well, wine. That's not the thing. Wine. I just want martinis. Yeah. Well.

Out of the bottle. Yeah. Well, after Luanne felt satisfied with her scolding of Sonia, she then decided to change the subject and announced that she would be moving out of Grey Gardens and presumably it's because she was sick and tired of watching her own show on a tube TV up in the attic.

She's like, I'm sorry, but I have to watch this on flat screen TV. Listen, Betamax was difficult when it came out, but now... I mean, there's so many cassette tapes up there. What am I supposed to do with them? Cassette tapes. She's like, Sonia, every time I try and talk to you,

I have to tap something out on the pipes for Alex to hear it. She's sick of it. Get a phone that works. Luanne, I can't believe you don't want to leave. There's a laser display up there and everything. So Luanne is moving. Okay, so these delusional peopleional these poor things just need to live together first of all Luann is going trying to like go off on Sonia so that she can be in Bethany's

good graces they're both on their way out yes you're not saving anyone with this but Luann's thing for this episode is uh I'm I found mymate. We're getting married. And Sonya's like, which one? Well, Tom. My Tom? No, Tom's shoes. Every time I fuck him, they build an African village. So of course it's your Tom.

Sonya's like, I know him forever. Since the Prosecco days. When I first came up with that idea. I knew him when he invented toothpaste. Like, you think that guy's going to get mad at Colgate? Luanne, this is crazy that Luanne is getting married

to this guy after six weeks. And, you know, normally I would say she's decided that the way she's going to counter Bethany trying to shove her off the show is by getting married

and force her way back onto the show that way. But then, I mean, it turns out that her first husband, they only got married after two weeks. So Luanne moves quickly. She certainly does.

Well, when you have a title and a grocery store chain. Yeah, exactly. If you have a title and or a grocery store chain, she falls in love very, very quickly. Yeah, seriously. It's funny because Luanne starts gushing about Tom and saying how she's found her soulmate and this is the one, etc. And the editors

the music playing in the background was like I was like, oh, poor Luann she does not get a sympathetic edit from Alan Lazar I'm going to look on the Alan Lazar site and just search for sad old whore sad old whore clown music fat tipsy bitches fat tipsy bitches

but um it's just like tipsy bitches but slower it's all taking a minute to breathe like this fat bitch i know well then sonja says so you know here's luann saying how much she loves him and that Tom is her soulmate. And Sonia responds by saying, well, he may be her soulmate, but I've been doing him forever. Well, Luann's timeline is so crazy. She's like, wait a second. So how long have you been with this Tom? She's like, well, since, you know, months.

Oh, okay. So like when? Well, six weeks. So before Thanksgiving? No, no, no. no no no well yeah before they she keeps changing the whole episode is changing it's like yeah she's trying well halloween like that's like this huge difference she keeps trying to like move the goalposts like the fact is you found some old male whore you an old female whore you're gonna join each other's whores together and i don't know Ask people if they want paper or plastic. Go for it.

But why do you got to lie about the timeline? Like, why does two weeks make that huge of a difference? Like, oh, people won't be embarrassed. You know, people won't make me feel embarrassed about my love now because it's two weeks longer. Yeah. It reminds me of one of my favorite movies of all time, Bullets Over Broadway. When what's-his-face John Cusack is talking to um diane we's character helen sinclair or and or no i'm sorry it's harvey farson doesn't matter but she goes

i haven't had a drink since new year's he's like you're talking about chinese new year's well naturally that's two days ago not to the chinese they work long days oh and i love sonia she's like well look i don't want to be a wet blanket. My real daughter actually had to deal with wet blankets. Like, poor thing. The first time I had to send her away to school. Poor Pickles. We put a wet blanket on her.

Unfortunately, it was an electronic blanket. So she's dead now. I didn't want to be a wet blanket. Might electrocute pickles again. Sorry, Alex. We once put a wet blanket on computer number two, and that's why we have computer number three now. We just use two for parts at this point. Alex used to be a woman, actually.

When I gave her a blanket, I gave her a wet blanket during a storm. Completely socked the woman right out of her. We also installed computer number two's mouse into Alex. He has a disk drive. He still complains that it hurts. Every once in a while

he pops out with some you need to scan your whatever. You ever see that movie Ex Machina? Yeah, it's based on Alex. Yeah. I was going to produce it

but then I went bankrupt. But yeah, it's based on Alex I've been doing robot movies since forever I have this one robot movie I want to do It's called Fat Tipsy Robot Haley Joel Osment talks to be in it Yeah I love cyborgs

It turns out Haley Joel Osment's dead the whole time Like oh It's totally different It's called The Sixth Dollar. The Sixth Dollars. It's called The Sixth Sense. C-E-N-T-S. And it's like, hey, you know like when people say,

here are my two cents? Well, you get three thoughts. So it's six cents worth. It's great. It's a great movie. We're doing like a whole hour in this one scene in Sonya's house. I mean, this show this show like it's an episode where not that much happened but so much was actually happening we were actually dying watching it together on the couch well so this scene it pretty much ends with luann announcing

nobody can mess with my happiness right now and i'm like all right bring on bethany and sure enough cut to Bethany. Bethany, this isn't even her bar, right? There is some other bar. They have her letters, though, her bar letters. Yes. What is with those? She's like, lettuce.

Lettuce with light bulbs in them. I want them everywhere. I'm only going to go to a bar if they have those lights and lettuce. I like it. It's like it's Vegas. It's like Vegas meets the Old West, meets a bar, meets Skinny Girl. I get that brand. That makes sense to me. It's like lights, like a bar. It's like, okay. I like it. It's like it's Vegas. You know, it's like Vegas meets the Old West, meets a bar, meets Skinny Girl. Like, I like it. It's like I get that brand.

Like, that makes sense to me. It's like lights, like a bar. It's like, okay, I get it. I want to drink. I want to drink a Skinny Girl margarita. Like, literally, like, stop. Stop with the lights. Like, literally, just leave them on. Like, I can't.

Like, stop. Like, literally, I'm going to be on the floor dead. You know that Bethany is legit richer than God because she doesn't even know this shit has been in Ross for, like, the past two years. She's been paying so much for these stupid lights. If she ever went to a Ross, she'd be like, oh God,

no support people at least. So Bethany is there. Carol's sitting there like a lump. And in walks Ramona, who has a classic Ramona entrance. She doesn't even say hi. She goes, oh,

you wore a dress. I wore pants. What? Why didn't no one call me? Tell me the, what? Pants? Dress?

What? That's crazy. Okay. Let's face it. You're in a dress. Okay. Okay. Like I would have worn a dress. Okay. No one called me. Tell me. What? Pants? Dress? What? That's crazy, okay? Let's face it. You're in a dress, okay? Okay. Like, I would have worn a dress, okay?

But you didn't tell me. You know what? You know what? I'm sorry. That's day class A. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's day class A. He was babbling, women.

It opened that whole scene. It's like Ramona walking in during Bethany. Ah, what? What do you got? Like a necklace? Like, what is that? Like, what? You putting stuff back?

Oh, pants? Dress? It's like, oh, my God. So everyone, so then Bethany's like, yeah, everyone's wearing black. Like, it's like, oh, that's a funeral or something? Like, did someone die? Like, did I not hear something? It's like a death all around.

It's like, you know, it's like Grim Reaper. Grim Reaper's walking in. Oh, hey, Jules. How's your dad? She literally says, it's like a funeral in here. Hey, Jules. How's your dad? And Jules is like, oh, you know, my dad's in surgery.

You know, nobody. Okay, well. Oh, Jules. First, my dad was in surgery. Then he had pneumonia. Then he was in ICU. Then he was rescheduled for the ICU with the pneumonia surgery. Now he's getting a drip for the surgery of the pneumonia.

And then the pneumonia of the thing. He's in the hospital. Surgery. surgery of the pneumonia and then the pneumonia of the thing he's in the hospital surgery like your fucking father has been having pneumonia surgery for like 10 weeks now please just stop okay get a storyline stop using your not even dead dad as your story okay girls i just got a text message about my dad and his operation oh no what's it now no no it's just the his batteries the batteries for operation went out we need to get him some new ones. He loves that game. You've been talking about a game this whole time? A board game?

What? My dad keeps trying to play that game, but then boom. And then, you know, then it's time for his self-surgery. God bless his heart. Apparently, Sonya went over there and threw a wet blanket on his Operation game. And now nothing works. And also found a logo for Fat Tipsy Girl. Well, she's bald. She's bald. on his operation game and now nothing works. And also found a logo for Fat Tipsy Girl. Well, she's bald.

She's bald. Hey, I've been playing operations since forever. She's bald and her insides fall out a lot. But otherwise, she's perfect. Hey, you know what? I'm going to do a board game. It's called surgery, okay? And what you do is you put little pieces of someone in someone else, okay?

And then if you do it wrong, it's going to go bap, bap, bap. Totally different game. Fat Operation bitches. Yeah. You know, no one ever got mad at Operation Dumbo Drop, and that has the same word in it. So, now... added operation dumbo drop and that has the same word in it so now okay so this week in the old bravo gossip which is so manufactured this is like the old studio system of hollywood except

that nobody gets paid anything ever and nobody really cares but they release news the same way it's like okay jules is announcing her divorce this week because someone's been cheating I'm guessing it's the husband and he's been cheating on her she would only talk about it to the Bravo blog while she's plugging her own stupid drink I don't even know what it's called it's like you don't have to eat and you

still won't die whatever the drink is it's like whatever it is and someone pointed that out on Facebook so thank you because that is hilarious she's like I will talk about my divorce here's my drink link Like whatever it is. And someone pointed that out on Facebook. So thank you because that is hilarious. She's like, I will talk about my divorce. Here's my drink link. So she announced that the same day basically or the same week that all of a sudden Jules has problems in her marriage. Because we've seen nothing, nothing indicating this except that she's completely obnoxious and an asshole.

Well, they both are. Yeah. Yeah. Jules has been everything has just been like oh isn't it crazy don't have a nanny the crazy times oh my god michael it's difficult this is crazy oh my god into a pool it's kosher but now all of a sudden she's like something happened going from 2015 to 2016 and now she's pissed and i kind of like it and it's kind of over her like at this point it's

kind of over her still not having a nanny like watching this idiot break down because she has to actually do things as a mother it's hilarious because she still has god knows how many housekeepers yeah she just doesn't have an actual nanny and a house like a daytime nanny a nighttime nanny and a housekeeper and she's losing her fucking mind. It's hilarious. Her story is like, not only is my father operating, scheduling, ICU, pneumonia, but also the

baby cried the other day, and then my husband was like, the baby's crying. Get the milk. And I was like, you get the milk. Like, that was the fight and she's crying and Carol goes that's a bad dynamic you got yourself into

thanks Carol thanks for your advice after we've had two children and been married for like a zillion years thanks Carol just get out of it it's a bad dynamic you guys should write a cookbook together called The Reluctant Nanny. Fingernails. The love story.

Indoor pools, outdoor voices. And Dorinda goes, Dorinda, really? Like, she does this positive attitude thing before, you know, she's ripping someone apart like a gang member. But she goes, you know, I feel for you. She's a young mother doing it on her own. What? She's not young. She's never done shit on her own.

God knows if she's even a mother to those kids. I have a feeling she probably implanted those shit in some rental oven from the you know zimbabwe or something i can't imagine she actually carried those things yeah i don't know she won't even carry them outside of her stomach yeah that's true she doesn't seem to touch them very much anthony's like okay everybody here we go like okay jules's marriage is breaking apart. Dorit is babbling about something. I don't even know what the fuck Carol's talking about. All right, toast. I brought you all here for a toast to my new flavor.

I'm coming up with a new flavor. Toast. Yeah. It's the flavor of toast, okay? Like, I'm going to do a toaster, all right? That's it. I dare her. I dare her to do a fucking poster.

She would, too, just to spite her. She would. So Bethany, basically, the long and the short of it is that she wants to go to Mexico to do a tequila tasting. So she invites everyone at the table there, Dorinda, Jules, Carol, Ramona, to Mexico. And she says, I really want it to be high end. I want it to be high end. I'm like, good luck with that. Okay, do you see the Ross Dress for Less bar letters in the background there?

You realize who you have coming with you? This is not going to be high end. Like, congrats getting abducted by a drug cartel at this point. Well, they'd have the best drugs. If anything, the cartels will be asking them for favors. Like, everybody on this show has really good coke it's like hey man where'd you get that coke you guys are thin and happy where did it come from man these will be the first people to survive an abduction in mexico basically

the cartel is gonna steal them like all right we got this mass grave like literally like mass grave like like literally like you need all this this is is like, this is such a waste of space. Like, why are you going to like dig like this giant hole for us? Like literally it's like we're the five girls. Like, are we that fat? Like seriously,

like we get it. You can just tell us we're fat. Like we get it. Like, oh my God. Like seriously, like I don't get, I don't get your brand.

Like are you a cartel? Are you selling drugs? Like, what are you doing? I don't, like, you know what, lady,

fine. Just go back to Cancun. I'm not going in that mass grave if Luann is going in there. Ramona fighting with the cartel. Oh, my God. You're holding a gun to my face? Like, this is crazy. Like, I want to forgive you. And, like, I want to think you've changed, eh?

But, like, I just don't know. Just get out. Drop him at the airport this is crazy have you met sean penn before have you met him oh i want to hear everything no no no no i know i know you want to kill us but just just ask no listen hey hey excuse me i'm sorry it's very rude for you you should not be pointing a gun at me okay i'm just asking about sean penn so is he is he cute huh do you tell him i'm single? Huh? Huh? Ramona actually said in this. Okay.

I don't want to put it damp. I don't want to put it damp. But what about Luann? Okay. And Carol's like, wait a second. Do you actually want her to come tell the truth, Ramona? She says, well, I don't like making someone feel like, what do you say? Exclusatory.

I'm so bad with words, okay? And then Carol starts going on her debate of why everyone should hate Luann, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, well, I won't go if she goes. I'm not going to go if Carol doesn't go if she goes. And then Bethany goes. I'm not going to go if Carol doesn't go. And Serena goes, wait, we're going to go on a trip about Bethany's tequila? She's not going to go? Yeah, she's like, if Bethany doesn't go, I can't go. None of us can go. It's her trip.

And then Bethany goes, what? I'm in the alcohol business, okay? Like, in the alcohol business, like, they're really serious about irresponsible drinking. So, like, that's a no-go. Like, Sonia, like, she's an irresponsible drinker. Like, I'm not going to mess with my business. It's bad for my business. You fucking idiot.

And then they all are like, oh, yeah. Like, it would be irresponsible. Yeah, no, we don't want to be irresponsible. I'm like, please, don't act like this is a real R&D trip, okay? This is for TV. You bring five people. You know what the irresponsible thing is? Bringing these five luscious in to drink your tequila

and saying that that's actual feedback for your brand. So we're in June 15th, and this has been going on a couple months. The reason I'm asking is because it seems so weird that they're just shooting this at new year's and bethany's completely different now have you noticed like she's she's it's almost like someone's seen the episodes and told her america hates you again what are you gonna do because she did the same thing last year where she was a complete monster

and then she switched and then she was like normal calm bethany who's just kind of listening to people instead of talking all the time. So I don't know if she got her drugs changed. I don't know what happened. But this Bethany is like semi-normal and not talking over everybody the whole time and actually listening to people. It's weird. Well, now the holidays have passed. So maybe she's becoming normal again. Or maybe she just lost too much blood.

Bethany's apartment. This is all leading up to Bethany's apartment this is all leading up to bethany's apartment carol coming in her stupid like 20 year olds you know forever not 21 anymore yeah some and some petrified assistant his got has this little tray with a tea set on it she's like excuse me miss frankl where should i put this poor thing looked terrified. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make

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collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks,

Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app

or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. I'm sorry, but I had a silent burp because it's nighttime and I couldn't go to Starbucks. I'm literally drinking decaf coffee with milk and cake mix.

What? Cake mix? And it's like clumping up in my throat. Why? It's trial i wanted a chocolate i wanted a mocha and i couldn't get one so i put cake mix in there i had some oh my goodness it's disgusting and it's clumping up in my throat while i talk but worth it well um that's that's probably an adequate emotion or descriptor of this scene because we now get to listen to Carol and Bethany talk about – Carol talks about how much she loves Bethany's new guy and they've been hanging out and they vacation together, et cetera. Somehow, this leads to Carol rambling about how she always keeps herself in arm's length in relationships. Bethany's like, I always want to get in.

I don't know how to get in. How do I get in? There's no door. I don't see a door. I don't see a sign that says enter. How do I get in this thing? It's crazy. It's like a big wall.

I don't know. Do I need to service talk? I can't see. Clearly, I'm blind. I don't want to get in. I want to stand outside and say, gross. I don't want to go in there. But Carol's doing that thing where she's like

i'm distant so no one ever wants to get married to me because i just don't give off the vibe and also adam won't ask me but it's because i just don't want to like what about my kitten i have this little kitten like and then they show um they flash to this scene of the kitten being cute. And then Carol like, whoa, that's an Instagram photo. Okay, Meemaw, we get it. Your vagina still works. Yeah. Carol starts, I mean, she has never talked this much.

She's like, well, I had a kitten and I was fostering the kitten. And the kitten would play in the guitar case. and then it was time for the kitten to go and when it was going i just started bawling and i was crying and i missed the kitten then i wanted the kitten back but then i didn't get the kitten and then i went to a store and i said where can i get a cup and they said someplace that's catty corner at the the catty corner, maybe think of the kitten. And I was like, no, I can't. And I'm like, Carol, what are you talking about? And then Bethany's just looking at her because she's never listened to anybody talk. So I guess she's on tranquilizers sometimes because she's actually letting Carol talk for the first time ever.

And she looks like, who are you? Why are you in my house? Why are you talking? Do you always talk like this? Why are we friends? Get out of my house. Shut up. Shut up. Seriously, Carol? Carol?

Shut up. Shut up. And then Carol, after this whole kitten thing, goes, you know, I've had so many friends die. I'm sorry to laugh at that. I'm like, you can't, like, are you really like, drawing a parallel between the kitten, like, giving up a foster kitten and, like, your husband dying and your friends dying? I was like, this is insane.

The way that kitty was extending his arm under the coffee table reminded me of plane crashes and Kennedy's dying. She never says. She's just like, you know, friends in planes, whatever. I'm like, yeah, whatever. You have to bring it up at least three times a season. We get it, Carol. You fucked a lot of famous people.

And then I wrote, what happened on their break? Did someone tell Carol she's not talking enough this season? Because she's really making an effort to talk and it's hurting everybody. Yeah. She is, she's just going on and on with these epiphanies.

And she's like, I've set up my life to be temporary. I'm like, really? What gave you the clue there? Was it maybe the fact that you were doing nothing with your kitchen and that you were just storing it for like papers and typewriters? Well life is temporary yeah i mean like what else what do you what are you supposed to do you own your apartment already she's owned that apartment for years like what

else do you need you've got an apartment and some kind of trust fund that you never have to do anything for the rest of your life yeah it's not she's acting like she's changing careers all the time or something's changing all the time you've done literally the same thing for years in the same apartment you just happen to be with a younger fucking guy now are you just trying to say like i'm just realizing i've been waiting you know to die before adam breaks up with me but i guess i'm gonna still live so i guess i'll try and make me marry me i'll try and make him marry me now i'm not really sure where she's going but it's very confusing seeing her talk so much. Yeah, it was weird.

It was definitely weird. And Bethany looked like she wanted to fall asleep. Her eyelids were drooping. She was nodding off. And they're even wearing the same clothes now. They were wearing the same sweater. And Bethany goes, well, your marriage wasn't temporary because it's not like you married a dude on cancer with purpose. And she's like, actually, I did.

I knew he was getting, I knew he had cancer, but you know, he didn't sign a prenup. So look, I said, I'm distant, not stupid. You know, after my fifth Forever 21 sweater disintegrated, I realized I'm not so much into permanent things. Bethany. Well, you know, I said I can never get married again, but I can't just destroy everything because of one bad apple. I'm like, you know that one bad apple destroys the whole bunch, right? That's like the saying.

It literally did destroy everything. You might want to choose a different term. All right. So Dorinda's biggest blow off hangout is going to get her nails done. Have you noticed that? Every scene this season where she's with someone she doesn't really want to talk to, she's like, ah, let's get our nails done. And she just sits there and gets her nails done

while she pretends to listen to people talk about stuff. This time it's Sonya. Yeah. Sonya's, you know, doing the same thing. She's like, I feel like I'm a cat in a hot tin roof. That's what I feel like. I'm like, cut to Carol. Vinny!

Vinny, my cat. In a hot tin roof. I wish I had a hot tin roof for my kitten. And of course, Sonya's like putting herself in plays that she's even stealing. Like, Sonya, you can't even come up with an original damn thing to star in, you know, in your saying. It's like stealing Tennessee Williams things to feel like. They're talking about Ramona.

Dorinda's just trying to basically tell her flat out, Ramona took side. I got news for you. Not yours. Newsflash. You're on the outs. All right. Ramona wants to be on the winning team that's going to tequila. Okay. Well, I think she's just fearful. You know, Ramona wants to be on the winning team. That's going to tequila.

OK, well, I think she's just fearful. You're being kind. Because, well, you know, Luann's going to go. Luann's not going either. I hate to tell you. Got news for you. Hey, delivery. You know, you're not going. Neither is Luann. OK. Extra, delivery. You're not going neither is Luann, okay? Extra, extra. The chaos. I can't say my words. Extra, extra. The chaos.

Crayon News is in. And you're on the outs. You better back it up. You better back it up. Continue it on page six. Back it up. Back it up. Well, then Sonia turns this into her alcoholism again she's like but i quit

like everyone's so mad like they don't believe i can do it but i quit like the wentz seen me quit before which means that you didn't quit because you're drinking again you don't know exactly the uh a uh what do you call it or whatever thatman of the year. Or whatever she is. She's like, yeah, well, I think that Sonia uses the drink to, you know, self-medicate. I'm like, you're drunk right now, Dorinda. Well, to be fair, she says, well, I'll do. Well, yeah, exactly. I don't know.

It's like you can tell when someone's taking Benadryl and you've taken Benadryl. I don't know what I mean. Hey, if you don't want to have a Benadryl sandwich, don't make a Benadryl sandwich. And she tells Sonia, just take it off the table. You just need to say, take it off the table or you're not going to go to Mexico. Like tequila, Mexico is the most glamorous place in the world. And then Sonia's like, I can't do that. I signed a contract.

Okay. I just can't say disregard the contract. I'm like, you do it all the time. She's like, listen, if I go back on it, Ursula will have my soul for the rest of my life. What about that movie you were going to make? You just paid $11 million to somebody because you keep walking away from the contract. I know. Meanwhile –

It just literally walks away from her. Meanwhile, Tipsy Girl has gotten so much press out of this whole ridiculous thing that people are now going to want to try it because it's become such a huge thing. Bethany actually kind of – she should have just brushed it off and it just would have – no one would have taken it seriously. But now I think – I'm curious to try try it i want to try the tipsy girl but prosecco i want to prosecco for fat ladies like it's finally something that's catering to me yeah fat tipsy bitches besides ben and jerry's yeah so um so then we go to adam's apartment his tiny little apartment where carol has arrived to make things more permanent. She got him a terrarium.

A real huge one. Not one of those little ones that hangs up in the window. It's like bigger than his bedroom. It's big enough to fit a cat. Wow, I never noticed until it was in here. Crazy. I miss Vinny. They're making a chocolate cake for this weird cookbook that the reluctant vegan.

Most likely going to be a blog. By the way, it suddenly became very apparent why he's been dating her. Because his kitchen is tiny. He needed to sleep with someone with a big kitchen. So, hello, Carol. Well, hello, Carol. His apartment's cute. I'm surprised that he has one.

But then I'm not really surprised because you can tell it's brand new. It's like got those like colored glass tiles in the kitchen. Like you can just tell he's gotten it this year. Yeah. And look, you earned it. And the work is sitting right there on the couch going, What do you think about this paragraph hot vegan guy finds even hotter beautiful young carrie bradshaw looking lady who like

junk food sometimes he's like that's too long for a book jacket. Okay. How about this one? I still wear small jeans, but I love cake. Girl. Stop. Chapter one. How to make a terrarium. A junk food eating girl with a guy who's got a ball sack the age of a toddler. Jesus Christ.

Just stop talking and then he's uh agreeing with us whips out the old guitar yeah once the vegan cake is in the oven here comes the guitar and he's sitting there strumming this guitar and carol's like what about a radish rating system like an easy recipe is two radishes and a hard one's five radishes i'm like is could this scene be any more insufferable right now vegan this vegan cake guitar strumming hipster and a radish scale i mean it's like oh don't forget hugging her dog named baby on the couch while her husband's ignoring her like you are married it's permanent. I give this sense of permanence three radishes out of five. Cool girl with a dog baby sitting on couch listening to guitar.

Okay, stop. I just want to go and find a counter I can sit on forever. That's permanent. And now, okay. It's time to go to Ram a counter I can sit on forever. That's permanent. And now, okay, let's face it, it's time to go to Ramona's apartment, okay? Like, some ladies like to lunch, okay? I'd

like to businesses. And my favorite business is lunch. Time to come up with a new business, okay? Since Mario want all the other ones in the divorce because with a new business, okay? Since Mario went all the other ones in the divorce, because I got the houses, okay? So I bought all this excess inventory

off of some girl named Gigi in Beverly Hills, and now I'm doing hair extensions. Unfortunately, she stabbed her sister, so that business is over. I got the extensions, though. I'm sorry. I'm sorry sorry that's not how you do business i'm sorry it's just not a state class a let's face it luann has had the same hair for 20 years

okay so she's got all these ladies because ramona's gonna have her extension business now yeah and when comes over and she's like oh well here well, here I am to shoot, you know, do a favor for Ramona. Like, you're here because there's a camera there. Yeah, she's like, I thought I'd humor her. And then it cuts to her saying, how long is this going to take? I'm like, wow, you're really humoring her there. I just think you need a couple of inches on your hair, okay? Okay, well, are you going to email the couple of inches to Bethany so she can copy me immediately?

Help me out. Wow, Ramona, I hope you're ready for an uptick in sales because I am quite the hair icon. You better watch out. The skinny girl is going to be stealing this hair for the new bottle. Hey. Okay. Hey. So Ramona is trying to gossip about the girls, and Luanne is so delusional.

She's like, oh, everything seems to be great. I texted Happy New Year's to Carol. And, you know, it's not the kind of text you expect somebody to say anything back. I wasn't asking her Happy New Year's, question mark. So it was totally normal that she didn't write me back. But I think I got through to him. Bethany said that in the Hamptons she just yelled at me and she yelled at me so much she blacked out and can't even remember it so who's gonna be mad yeah ramona's like oh you forgot

she forgot oh she said you were a whore and a slut okay and a man stealer and a pathetic person and delusion okay i got it thank you. Thank you. I remember. She forgot. I was like, wow, she can't read a room. She really doesn't know how to read a room that low. Hopefully these extensions will help her. Hopefully there will be a little more things

hanging onto her brain and it'll turn it on. Avery is in this scene. I love when Avery is in scenes because she just looks at everybody like you people are fucking nuts she's looking at her mother the whole time like why are you making me do this and she's looking at luann as luann starts going off against this or off again about this man i'm so sorry i'm loopier than usual so luann launches into her completely delusional story oh listen to this girls yeah about a month ago i went to see a fortune teller and that fortune

teller said in two weeks you'll meet your soulmate i'm like wait a second so a month ago you saw a fortune teller who said in two weeks you you're going to meet your soulmate. That would have been two weeks ago. But you've been with the guy six weeks? No, she said two weeks before she met Tom. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah.

This shows confusing the hell out of me. Well, I mean, yeah, Luann's story was, well, nothing seemed to really be adding up. But basically, she's just like well anyway tom and i were in love he wants to marry me everybody goes that's sweet by the way i'm sorry he calls his ex every day and calls her and tells her he loves her and gives her a bracelet for the holidays he gave her a gold bracelet for the holiday okay and the way he goes who is this car Carol? She's like, yeah. She goes, I don't believe it.

And even if that was true, why would you burst my bubble like that? Maybe because it's like you're beating the table like you just won a bingo because you found some rich old guy to marry you, Luann. Yeah. Well, I love that Ramona literally goes, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Even Avery's like, Mom. Ramona goes, What do I know?

Okay. Like I haven't dated for a long time. Like maybe guys have totally changed. Like maybe guys fall in love and want to get married to somebody, but then they still text their ex-wives every day and buy them gold bracelets. Like what do I know? Welcome to 11-11-69. Okay.

Happy 2011, okay? You know what's crazy? As long as we're talking about this. You know, it's been like midnight for like five days. That's crazy. And every time I go to check, it's always like, yeah, midnight. Mom, you just haven't set your clock yet. Oh, sorry. I'm'm sorry even a broken clock like i don't even know what i was gonna say about that like the clock's just broken like why is that even a saying

okay like maybe clocks have changed what do i know okay well the old saying always goes even a broken clock is wrong every single minute of the day except for two different minutes happy 2011 so john and dorinda begin this next scene i just want to say that it really bothered me that after all that we did not get to see luann with her extensions in you know she just ripped them right out yeah how dare you burst my bubble she's like walking down the street with one long strand of hair under her head. Like a really long duck tail. John and Dorinda open the scene as they usually do. In a restaurant somewhere, in a table way shoved off into the front.

They always seem to be sitting in the same table in every place they go to. Drinking something out of cocktails. Martini glasses martinis slowly moving in on like a reluctant kiss on the lips every time john is always like he is the most beautiful lady i have a song check yeah john cheers to you john like she hates him She is seething whenever she's with him. I know. So speaking of seething, Jules and Michael walk in and they're late. And Jules is furious. She's like, I hate being late.

I'm Asian. We're always on time. Like, all right, settle down now. What part of the Asian in you refuses to work? You're the first lazy Asian I've ever met in my life, okay, lady? Yeah, where's your advanced degree, Jules? So there is some sort of issue because Michael has been eyeing the hot coat checker, and Jules is not all about it.

So all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Michael has a wandering eye, perfectly timed with news that they're getting divorced because he had an affair. Oh, God. And this whole thing, Jules is so obnoxious. I mean, as usual. I liked it.

I liked her getting mad. It was like something else. I mean, at least she's doing something, which is new. But she just comes in and she's that obnoxious person who sits down and tells the whole dinner table her marital problems right when the husband's sitting right there like completely emasculating this guy which of course he's already cheating and you can tell anybody with a brain can already tell just from the story she's like i never like because we're asian and

like my husband like he's just like looking all around and then, you know, wants a hot nanny. And then he's late and I'm so upset that we're late. And then he doesn't even care that we're late. And then, so he has to take a shower. Like,

uh, so she smells like pussy. Basically what you're saying. She says seven, 17, 10 times. She's like seven, 17,

seven, 17. That's when he gets back 7 17 yes okay jules we get it it was 7 17 and he's just there biting his lower lip you know like pretending that his feet touched the ground yeah and then she has to ruin her her rage by saying you know i'm going matzah balls to the wall trying to find a nanny i'm like oh jules yeah this whole thing is because she had to hold her child one time he's like oh my god she had a breakdown so i fucked some other girl you know like it sucks to be on the guy's side but jules is like seriously i i can't with her okay like i can't even sit here at dinner with her okay yeah well then she starts pawing at her hair and she's like, I have a hole in my head.

Yeah. I'm losing my hair because I'm so stressed out because I had to give my kids Twizzlers. Okay. I'm so stressed out. It has nothing to do with nutrition. No, I'm not ordering anything. Could you just bring me some water, please? Yeah.

Asians are very thirsty. Thank you. I just like Dorinda's response. She goes, stop it. Stop. Dorinda just getting wasted. She's like, here's what you need to do. You need to tell yourself it's not real.

This too will pass, okay? It's like one time my mom said, she said, great partnerships, people together. You fall 500 feet and then you go up 100 feet. You know, men in New York have a hard rap. You know, the greatest grapes in California are the ones who have suffered, okay? You can cry. They've been to hell.

It's a corporate deal. It's a corporate deal. It's a corporate deal. It goes into this montage of Dorinda babbling for hours on end. It was amazing. She literally said, the greatest grapes in California is the one.

Have you seen, you know, remember the commercial with the little dancing grapes in the cereal? Those are great grapes. Those are old, good, old-timey grapes. You think they're singing like this Britney Spears or whatever, this Gaga. It's the old. My mom loved tiles.

Let me tell you something about the California raisins, okay? You see them performing. You know why they can perform so well? Because they cry, okay? They've got emotions, okay? They've been through things. They've seen things. You don't even want to know what their tour manager made them do, okay?

Those California Raisins, they put in the time, okay? They're there for a reason. They cried. They worked, okay? And one of the days, they wake up. They get in a bowl full of milk and somebody eats them. It's the end. The grapes was from the same neighborhood.

It's like, oh, just be quiet. Hey, hey, hey, California grape. How could you walk into a restaurant before that? We're from the same vine. Okay. What are you doing? What's wrong with you? Fuck you. And then J with you? Fuck you.

And then Jules goes. Fuck you. Holy shotski. Don't drink and give marriage advice. It's like, okay. You're not quoting Watch What Happens Live. You're dead to me. Yeah, seriously.

Get out of here. So, bar, Luann and Bethany. Oh, good. Luann. Luann is really hit rock. She's starting to hit rock bottom. She is on something. She is acting like a lunatic. Meth!

Crystal meth. When Bethany says, what do you want, crystal meth? Yes. She is. Luanne is just like this pathetic, groveling character now, grasping at love. I'm like, this is not the countess that I fell in love with. What is happening to this poor woman? Poor thing.

She is really getting desperate. She is kissing Bethany's ass so hard, and she's getting fucked up before she meets her. So she comes in. Bethany, of course, enters like, I'm confused. Like, what is this? Oh, hi. Like, where are we?

Like, what is this place? What's the matter? What's the matter? What is that? A suit? Like, what? I'm tired. I haven't felt well.

What is that, a suit? Is it matching? Like, this is crazy. I've been bleeding profusely. Like, constant vaginal bleeding. Like, it's crazy. I'm like a water fountain, but like blood. It's coming out of my vagina.

Like, I've been bleeding everywhere. So I was late. And the man goes, well, you know, I'm sorry that you're bleeding, but like blood. It's coming out of my vagina. Like I've been bleeding everywhere. Sorry I was late. And Luan goes, well, you know, I'm sorry that you're bleeding, but I've been sitting here waiting. Yeah, Luan. But he's like, it's like The Shining. You know, you ever see The Shining? It's like, I've got The Shining Hotel.

It's like there's just blood just coming right down my lady hallways. It's just nothing. Look at it. They're like twins. God forbid I had twins in there because they'd be drowned in my blood right now. Literally, they'd be dead. Everyone's just dead. Just ghosts. Literally, Jack Nicholson'd be drowned in my blood right now. Literally, they'd be dead. Everyone's just dead. Just ghosts. Literally, Jack Nicholson's ghost is in my womb right now, and it's bleeding away.

And I was like, well, but I'm still waiting. Yeah, it's like, well, what? Did you fall asleep or something? I've been here waiting in a white suit, which you probably couldn't wear. But here I am waiting for you. Well, I'm just glad you're here. And Bethany is still in her weird, calm, like, listening to people thing. I can't even believe she came to this. probably couldn't wear but here i am waiting for you well i'm just glad you're here and bethany is still in her weird calm like listening to people thing i can't even believe she came to

this yeah i was surprised i was really really surprised and she goes all right so you know you know me blood me bleeding to death aside how was the hamptons and the man goes well can't believe i met a soulmate and believe it or not, I'm getting married. She looks around the restaurant like people are supposed to be applauding for her. Like she really thinks people are standing up like,

that old lady found a rich guy. Bring some to the house. Well, I think that with every single person that she made this announcement to, I thought that she thought there'd be like some squealing and some clapping

and oh my God, oh my God, we got to throw you a baby shower or something or a wedding shower but instead everyone's like huh him her it's been like a week it only took a week you know i met my first husband in two weeks and well tonight we're going to tommy toons opening at the car lot you still bleeding and then bethany starts her desperate you know bethany has that desperation too where she's just always got to be on and, like, saying something and talking. Which, I mean, I'm sure we understand at times. But she starts this weird thread tonight.

She's like, like, the man, like, she's in that chia pet of a relationship where you're just like this thing. And then someone puts water on it. And boom, grass is growing out your head. I'm like, what? That made no sense. What are you talking about? Yeah, I'm'm like bethany stop doing mad libs before you do this show that was everything she said to us in this scene like every time she came back to her she'd be like what is she like a record or a cd like i don't even know like should i spin her or like have something digitally read her like what the hell is she a carpet or a rug i can't tell the difference like literally one has to be installed one you can buy a store like i literally can't tell what is she uh what

tommy toon's opening at the car lot yeah so luan was really obsessed with this tommy toon situation going on she was like all the entire time you know all she was thinking was tommy toon tommy toon tommy toon and then she starts writing on ramona she's like well i told ramona about my engagement she ruined it i mean she told me about a bracelet and text why would you say that to me because well you know like if you're gonna marry that guy that's topical information i was like well listen when you know you know and it's like well you so so you married Alex after two weeks. Well, how did that turn out? Basically, he cheated on you the entire time.

I'm a countess. So how do you think it worked out? Yeah, exactly. She's going to be the countess of the supermarket soon. Well, you know, they make more money than a real countess. And by the way, did you know that Luann was totally sweating during this entire thing? She had like sweat over her lips. I i mean she was like a lunatic her eyes were glazed she kept looking behind her like someone was standing right behind her i mean it

was it was sad it feels almost bad to make fun of someone on drugs but like we wouldn't be able to have a podcast because they all are exactly yeah it was just like too much and then bethany comes right back with another golden one she's like the guy did that to me i've got lorenna bobbitt on his ass like what do you what year is it like are you on a ramona calendar lorenna bobbitt joke really yeah there are probably a lot of people watching who have no idea who she is this is the first episode of the entire season where everyone else is talking more than bethany it's weird well that's because she's bleeding she's like scared to shit like

scared to death of what the hell's going on with her body for a thing but i but i also liked when when bethany tries to muster up some faux excitement it was like well you know i'm happy i'm happy because you know like honestly this summer like you seem like you were sort of like you seem like you're a little bit on the verge. And Luann being like, I was. She was like, who's on the verge, dude? I was on the verge. Who's on the verge, dude?

Is that like a podcast? Because I was on some podcasts. Maybe it's called The Verge. Who's on the verge, dude? Who's on the verge, dude? Ramona didn't even date. I don't appreciate Ramona telling people that she dated Tom. I mean, it's not dating.

I mean, dating's not when you just go out once or twice and nothing else. Well, I thought it was seven. She goes, oh, fuck. I mean, okay, seven then. It's not just seven. But you just said, oh, well, I have a Tom, okay? I have Tom to tell me the truth. The Tom who didn't tell you that he's giving his ex gold bracelets and calling her every day and texting

her i love you poor thing you better not sign a prenup goo yeah by the way seven dates is literally half the length of her relationship with tom it's only been like 14 days that they've known each other that is such a good point I didn't even think of that 7 days is nothing I mean if you're going to marry him yes it's a lifetime but if you're just dating who cares 7 dates that's probably what 4 weeks or something

it would take to have 7 dates like if you space out like that I mean she would have already been divorced from him I don't care he's open and then out of left field Luan's like so anyway Mexico am I going or not what's going on have already been divorced from him i don't care he's open and then out of left field luann's like so anyway mexico am i going or not what's going on so tommy tune is starting soon so this mexico thing am i invited am i not invited and then she does this thing where she starts laughing and shrugging at the cameraman she's like am i invited i like, you're on camera. You're not supposed to be looking at him.

Yeah. Bethany is like, she just cannot believe what she is seeing. That's when she asked, like, did you take Crystal Met tonight? I was like, is that a song? I don't understand. Does Tommy Toon sing that? Because I'm about to see him at the Carlisle. Okay, I'm chill.

I'm chill. I'm chill. Did I mention Tommy Toon? Bethany goes, I didn't invite you because, you know, Carol carol like oh you know we were having a fight and then carol oh well what are you is carol your live partner now well yeah kind of i like when she said that yes yes she is we're married now so then bethany's gonna say well listen you know i mean i do think it would be fun if you came and the wind's like she's meaning to say i do think it would be fun if you came. And Luan's like, meaning to say, I do think it would be fun if you came. But Luan's like, well, then yes.

Yes, I will come. I would love to come. Thank you so much. Tommy tune. Bye. I got you next time. Thanks, Beth. I want it to be everybody's trip.

You know, like, I want everybody to be happy. Yes. Yes. Yes, I'm in. Say no more, Bethany. I accept. And what did Bethany say? She's like, she made another comment,

but I didn't write the whole thing down, I think, because I was laughing so hard, but she's like, Wow, like a bang-bang. What did she say? Like a bang-bang. I don't remember. I just remember she said at one point, Wow, I have to disinvite her from something

I haven't even invited her to yet. And then Bethany is trying to stay so calm. God bless her. She's probably even hardly walking. She's got half the blood in her body. But she's still so aggravated that she angrily whips out her phone and starts swiping, which is her neurotic anger thing.

She's like, I'm not listening to this, Jesus Christ. And then we get scenes from next week where Ramona is trying to teach Luann how to fight with Bethany and role-playing as Bethany, and it's the best thing I've ever seen. It's amazing. Ramona's going to be in full force next week. I cannot wait.

And that ends the Real Housewives of New York. So good. So hilarious. Even though not much really even happened, it was so entertaining. Real Housewives of New York. So good. So hilarious. Even though not much really even happened, it was so entertaining. And I usually watch this alone, you know. And watching it with you was so much fun. Just having someone to laugh with like that.

Because I always feel like a crazy person just laughing in my house alone. Yeah. I like laughing with you. And the only thing that sucked was that I i wanted to say so many comments i was like gotta save it for the podcast i know whenever you typed i was like what what am i not saying that he's saying like what are you talking what are you talking yeah we had like dueling dueling laptops going well i'll literally type about like a light switch you know i'm like is that a new light switch plate i just keep going the only time i stopped this whole time was when carol started talking and never stopped like i can't with her like i can't even type anything about her except

oh my goodness um so uh So, shall we move on? So, we're skipping Below Deck this week because you're at your limits with it. So, we don't want to make you burn out on it. I just can't imagine that that many people are listening to this to find out what happened on Below Deck. They're like, was the dish dirty? Did a douchebag with no brains have sex with another one i don't care i need some old lady drama and this week we've got real housewives of orange county uncensored well you know what by the way this would be a good time to talk about

some gossip before we get in there uh there's there's been a whole bunch of bravo gossip one is that uh i can't believe i can't believe we didn't mention this earlier yolanda is officially leaving real houses at beverly hills it's oh god finally no one can even this yolanda she puts out all of these stupid things to the blogs you know she's always done it where she puts out her own story to the blog and they're like a source from the thing or whatever yolanda was supposedly fired slash demoted a long time ago. And then she's like, no, no, I wouldn't be coming back. And then they announced that she's

coming back and now they're saying she's quitting. Well, earlier this week, they said that she said she's quitting because I really need my children to have more privacy. I don't like them being exposed. I'm like, you've literally taken your children, stripped them of all of their clothes before they were old enough to drive and put them on magazines.

And now you need them to have privacy. I am sure. How many are faking illnesses to get on red carpets? Yeah. Ucker. Bye. Exactly. Well, also, there was a story last week that Yolanda was going to be back for the next season, but she wasn't allowed to talk about Lyme disease.

And so that was probably the deal breaker. She's like, but what about my book that i am going to be writing and such so when believe me in all caps yeah believe in me so uh uh yeah so when when she when i told her that she couldn't do lyme that's probably when probably when she's like well then there's no point for me to be on here. I don't even believe that. Like, why in the world would the real they had their second most highest. God, I'm an idiot. They had their second highest rated season of all time.

They're not going to tell her not to talk about Lime. That's just crazy. These people are just making shit up. I don't believe it. I do kind of believe what I read today that she quit because she was demoted to friend of. But I don't think she quit. Yolanda is not going to quit. Yeah.

Well, I think she did. I think. I think so. So there's that. We talked about the Jewel stuff. Super spied. See ya. Yeah.

We talked about the Jewel stuff. Dearest Kate, our lovely Kate. She got arrested. So we have to get to the bottom of that thing because we love kate so oh kate yeah so we we we love we love kate uh it was a crazy article we are looking forward to hearing what kate has to say about it and get her side of the story well you gotta you know it's so sick being like even talking about this reality show world because it's all these stories that come out are sad. But when you actually kind of start liking people, it's like, oh, my God.

Congrats, girl. You got on TMZ. Yeah. That's huge. That's a big deal. Yeah, exactly. And then Rocky went and posted about it on her Instagram and was like, see, she was the worst boss ever. She made my life hell.

I literally cried every day huh and i was like god you were really obnoxious yeah it's like now you do you believe me captain like she was adding the captain it's like now now what do you think oh are you proud of your crew now captain i was like uh you're still an asshole and i think any proof that kate is not i think the only proof we need that kate is not some crazy violent psychopath is that you're still living. Because if she was as crazy as everyone is saying, you'd be dead by now, bitch. Yeah, that's what I think. White marks on your ass.

With a penis towel on your head. Yeah. Team Kate. Yeah. Always. Team Kate all the way. Yeah. I don't care if she bit somebody five times and strangled a bitch.

She probably deserved it. The story said that that girl was trying to, Kate was trying to kick her out of the house during a fight and this girl wouldn't leave and they started fighting. It's like, get out of the house then. That's just crazy. I'm so sad that that happened. Team Kate. I don't care what happened. Team Kate all the way.

Team Kate. Team Kate. Okay, so. That was the way. Team Kate. Team Kate. Um, okay. So, yeah, I mean, I don't really know anything except what I read on TMZ, you know. Yeah, me neither. What are you going to say? No, I was going to say me neither. I don't really know anything either. Oh, no, I didn't mean you literally.

I just meant like, what are you going to say? What are you going to do? Okay, let's face it. What you can do. Okay. Okay. Okay. So, um, you gonna do okay let's face it what you can do okay okay all right so now okay so um let's face it okay i'm sorry you have to face it i'm sorry here's my advice to you let's face it okay i've been facing it since forever um uh okay so let's go on to Orange County season 8 Uncensored

the special that aired this week which was so fun and delicious although I was confused why they chose season 8 of all the seasons I would have bet it would have been season I forget maybe season 5 the one where Lynn Curtin got evicted

that was a crazy season. That may have been the same season when Tamara and Simon pretty much demanded a divorce during the season finale. Whatever season that was, I'm surprised that didn't get the uncensored. I just was surprised that season eight was the big one that they chose. Well, did you notice that in those clips that they were showing of the past, they all look like they were showing of the past they all look like they were done on a home video camera that everything has changed so fast with the hd and all that stuff their footage probably looked crazy i mean even when they were showing the

season before this it was it looks all grainy yeah like you're watching something from 30 years ago yeah i mean it was interesting because this uncensored season eight uncensored definitely you know it mined the early seasons a lot so there definitely was a lot of some you know behind the scenes stuff from back then but i i just i i would have liked to have gone back even further maybe there will be one but i, it still was hugely entertaining. It was so fucking funny. I was surprised that it was so funny because I don't I don't I remember parts of that year being just great. But I do remember it being like the downfall of Gretchen and Gretchen was doing all that stuff where she was trying to play Tamara's game and Vicky's game and try and team up on people and stir all this shit and do all her fake scenes and stuff. Because Gretchen's really not a mean person.

I mean, when she was going against these girls, they were mean to her. Like, they were trying to take her down forever. And so she was kind of trying to come back at them. And it just blew up in her face. And seeing it all encapsulated like this was so sad. Yeah. And then Gretchen crying and saying really stupid things. Yeah. They were hurting my feelings. Yeah. And then Gretchen crying and saying really stupid things. Yeah.

They were hurting my feeling. Like poor thing. Like she still can't talk very good. Yeah. Well, this was very well, but this was very, I know,

you know, you're talking about Gretchen. You got to, yeah. But you know, uh, the, the,

uh, it kind of felt at times like this was one big hour saying, fuck you to gretchen from from bravo like we're gonna we're gonna get the last word on this situation a little bit felt like that but um you know the they made a good point which is that when gretchen first appeared on the show which was such an amazing season this you know she let it all hang out and then she just got torn apart by the by the women and then she was always super guarded after that. And I think that's something that we always talked about that like Gretchen used to be really awesome.

But then it's just like she doesn't do anything and she just got boring. And Slade, they said that Slade was part of that. You know, when she started dating Slade, that he sort of influenced her to keep her guard up. And he really was the one who made her suck so much because she used to be great like i'm that season when her first season when vicky was being and tamra were being so nasty to her it was like she was the ultimate underdog yep and she did change what was the show we were just talking about yesterday we've been talking about so many but that we were talking about a show how so much has completely changed and suddenly they're like i'm a lady oh it's katherine dennis

and southern charm she's like i'm a lady or whatever now that was kind of gretchen where it's like overnight she's suddenly like all graceful and polite and then they were showing her like the naked wasted or whatever that episode was or she's just of course that was tamra's fault too by the way yeah like tamra did that shit on purpose to her that was the season that should have had an uncensored because there was some crazy shit that season that the naked wasted party was legendary um one thing i my first note of this was this is the creepiest theme of all the Housewives. It's like horror music.

It really is scary. It's like... It's like one of those creepy little clown things from those horror movies sitting there in a music box. Creepy. It's an Alan Lazar masterpiece. And then Vicky screaming in the mountains. I did not have sex with my double-parton eyes! It's Still funny. After all this time, still super

funny. You're disgusting! So we open with Gretchen Tamra looking on cell at Vicky's face. Why did I write that? Vicky, people were mean. Oh, yes. Vicky's face. She had gotten her face

done in between seasons because slade had had made fun of her so much as if she hadn't already had 10 jobs by then like she's already had so many faces by this point look at her face in season one and then the season even before this you're like oh like you know social media like it's crazy like people look at sorry ramona's still on my head it's really. Like people look at, sorry, Ramona's still on my head. It's really hard when you look at social media because people are so mean. Shut up, Vicky. And then they showed people making fun of her face. You are getting Gretchen's face.

That was pointed out to me a long time ago on Facebook. And if you look at them right next to each other, you can see her getting the chin, the eyes squinted just right. I mean, we can blame slade for a lot of things to be fair you could also make an argument that gretchen is getting vicky's face because gretchen's face looks hella different than it did her first season well now she is because she's aging you know it's like they're gonna meet in the middle it's like they're benjamin buttoning in opposite directions and then the end they'll all just look like Meg Ryan. Oh, God bless her heart. I know.

She's having... Poor Meg Ryan got it bad from social media after the Tonys. Oh, she was on the Tonys this year? Oh yeah, so she presented and I didn't think that it was crazy because I've gotten used to Meg Ryan's

new face, but a lot of people were surprised. And apparently it was trending, and it was trending more than Orlando's Meg Ryan's face. Oh, my lord. I love Meg Ryan. We'll always have French kiss, Meg Ryan. We'll always have that scene in Top Gun when you cry after Goose died. Goose. Okay, so people are mean.

People are mean. Yes, people are mean. Vicky changed her face. And Alexis. She's my doctor. Oh, my God. The stupidity of Alexis. God, I've missed Alexis.

I know. Me, too. I was sort of like, oh, this poor thing. I miss her. You cannot top the stupidity of Alexis. I mean, Alexis and Gretchen on the same show. Come on, guys. Just have it so that Gretchen can't bring on Slade anymore.

Come on. You can do it, guys. Yeah, exactly. So I guess the whole thing was that Alexis, they didn't know if she was going to be coming back or not. And so then they convinced her to come back and she got to bring Lydia with her.

And when they all showed up at that first cut fitness party, I guess they... Was this the thing where Gretchen was mad at Alexis because Alexis was stealing speaking engagements from her? Yes. It was supposed to be that sitcom thing with Heather, right? at alexis because alexis was stealing speaking engagements from her yes well it was kind of it

was supposed to be that sitcom thing with heather right but then there was all this stuff going on with gretchen that she was trying to steal everybody's little the fox news the fox news gig yes and i like that andy said these women were fighting about literally the lamest gig of all time but it was so fun to watch because alexis was doing that new thing which she completely butchered and then gretchen's like well they called me too like yeah they didn't that's a stupid fight when she was worried about the people in the burning building oh my god that like this still hilarious like i don't know why bravo did not just like give us a full season of alexis doing the news so much about this was just about vicky's facelift i love tamra saying

the first time you saw vicky she was like all hunchbacked with her hair like over her face like scary like and then vicky goes I kept calling Alexis and I was like Alexis how long does this take to heal a year like I thought it was a couple weeks like I only went in like I didn't know but I went in there because

I had to go back on camera but I didn't know Brianna was having a baby and Vicky I love Vicky's crazy lying like that wasn't on the calendar yeah maybe true I'm sorry I'm going back but I literally have 20 pages on a facelift

okay really really really oh they showed Andy's like marriages children's different jobs Ryan used to be hot all the faces and then they showed the clip of Vicky and Tamara fighting you were supposed to be my friend really yes really yes be hot. All the faces. And then they showed the clip of Vicky and Tamara fighting.

You were supposed to be my friend, really. Yes, really. Yes, really. Yes, really. At the infamous cake bow party. They didn't even show the cake bow. Well, that was because it was from season seven. Oh, I was almost really, really upset. Wait, season seven?

But this is season eight.'t this heather's first season oh no this was her second season that's why they were mentioning how season one heather was like reserved but then season two she started to let it all hang out they kept saying that she kept letting it all hang out which was that basically she was she she, she became the Uber bitch that we know and love today. Not letting Terry eat onion rings, essentially. Well, they were saying she was so reluctant and she,

she only did the show because Terry wanted to do the show. Yeah. And which is so obvious. And then it's like a montage of terrible dad jokes. Like Terry's like hamming it up on camera. And then they showed her when she originally auditioned oh my god like obnoxious ass heather times 20 um gorgeous first of all like her gorgeous semi-natural face but just her talking was so obnoxious and then uh they were saying she wasn't really ready but

then like two years later three years later she had had so many facelifts she looked crazy and like she'd found a way to like work that it's almost like you have to have a crazy face to be on these shows yeah the minute she started looking like somebody from that little doll horror movie from the opening theme music what was that movie called but there's like the little doll and then the lady wants to kill her children. Child's play? Oh, you mean the one that was like the Conjuring spinoff? Insidious. Oh, Insidious. Insidious.

A little doll from Insidious. Oh, I don't know. Sounds scary. So we're skipping all over. So Doug Ross talks about this like it's Shakespeare. He's like, season eight is the moment where the shifts in the friendships began. This is not Shakespeare, bitch. Yeah.

Well, it kind of is. It is a tragedy. It's just facially, and it continues every year. Yeah. There's definitely some boiling and boiling and toiling and trouble. So, yeah. So this was the friends this whole season was Tamara and Gretchen becoming

fake friends just to go against Vicky and Alexis. Wait, what I'm looking at? Like what he's saying. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We were talking about how Tamara and Gretchen became friends because

Gretchen wanted to go against Alexis and Tamara wanted to go against Becca. Yeah, I love that. Sorry, I got distracted because I realized my Shakespearean reference was totally incorrect because I said boiling, boiling, toil and trouble instead of, isn't it bubble, bubble? Boil, boil, bubble.

Isn't it bubble, bubble, toil and trouble? Who cares? He's dead. I don't know. He's dead. He's dead. I did not have multiple partners! Okay, top that Shakespeare. I did not have multiple solo-liquids!

Um, la la la. Where am I here? Tamara yelling at Alexis. And then, oh, so that fitness party was so good. So all these ladies are coming up to replace Alexis, right? Because Alexis is like, I quit.

And then, of course, she ain't really quitting. She's thinking they're going to beg her to come back. And so they do. And then she gets a little more money. And then she gets to come to this thing and brings Lydia. God bless poor Lydia. I know. It was so weird having to be Alexis' friend.

So they show up to this cut fitness party. And the great behind the scenes thing is that the ladies had already planned on replacing Alexis with one of their own friends. Well, specifically, it was Heather was eager because the moment that Alexis ran out of that party or was kicked out by tamra heather ran up to the producer and was like i have a great friend claw hand claw hand claw hand i have a great friend who'd be great on this show while we have her come on instead yeah like heather gets to cast the show and they were like uh no you barely talk and your face is terrifying and so alexis not only came back but she brought her own friend. And so everybody was terrified.

And I really like that because that explains a lot about that dinner. They were all ready to jump across the table. It is hilarious how so much of the anger is fueled by production. Not by the directors, but meaning their desire to you know control the the actual show well so so many people say it's scripted and this and that which i mean i don't doubt but i think a lot of it's just scripted by these ladies they're always sitting there trying to plan this stuff and then production's trying to figure out what they're trying to do and they end up cobbling together something crazy but it doesn't really ever seem like something none of this stuff was so you know nuts that you're like how did this happen

how did no one notice it's like of course that's why they were mad you bullied me alexis you're bullies i'm so sick of being bullied poor sweet alexis just want to pat her hair Bullies! I'm so sick of being bullied! Poor sweet Alexis. Just want to pat her hair. I just needed to come back so that I could have my say with Tamara. And then Tamara's like, get out!

Tamara just ripped her a new one. Oh, yeah. Kicking her out of the old Cut Fitness warehouse. Back when Cut Fitness didn't have warped floors because they hadn't been installed yet. It was just, it looked like an Ikea showroom that's been, like, rampaged. You just see, like, little $10 Ikea lamps scattered around that huge space. To me, it looked like there had been a fashion show there earlier in the evening, and they came in and set up a dinner table. Sort of big and empty up a dinner table. So big

and empty and soulless. To my empty rental garage batch. Let's see. Lydia's audition tape. This was a sign that things weren't going to go well for Lydia. She's wearing a blue dress and they're having her sit against a blue screen.

How are you going to key this out it's just lydia's head it's just basically oh i'm floating it's a floating little poor floating bug-eyed lydia i know i liked lydia i really did because she could she did stand up for herself quite a few times but um it just wasn't cut out for her oh and vicky vicky's friendships with everybody you know vicky getting dumped and then becoming friends with any loser that will have her is such a pattern with vicky and it's hilarious like suddenly she became friends with alexis and everyone's like alexis was fired batch everyone down the line she was fired. Batch. Everyone down the line. She was fired. She was fired. She was fired. And then Vicky's like, oh, she quit. Yeah.

So let's see here. Producer. Telling producer Bill Fritz off camera in between season. Oh, yeah. Gretchen thought Alexis was stealing her clients. Okay. Who cares? Let me see.

So befriending Simon is the reason reason tam was mad oh yeah that's right because the bolinos befriended simon after that that breakup so that's what ended their friendship although they never had like a super strong friendship but they i guess they were more allies at a certain point well they all were but they were like never besties or anything yeah i'm trying to see blah blah blah uh i kind of just want to go to mexico yeah because that was that was again what they said the beginning of the end for uh for for tamra and gretchen and gretchen in general because that's you know vicky basically won her friend back because she knew like that tamra tamra is trashy and does not want to do a refined dinner in Mexico.

So she dragged her to Andalas. Apparently the producers just had tons and tons of footage of them walking through the streets of Mexico. Oh my god, Vicky during this was so funny. I forgot how funny Vicky was. It was like the most boring bachelorette party in Mexico. Gretchen's like, was it fun? And they're like, I'm bored. And Vicky's like, I don't want to

eat dinner. This is boring. Like, okay, but you want to play games? I don't want to play games. Would anybody like some more water? I don't want water. Okay, well let's go pee. I don't want to go pee. She's just sitting there. Everything that happens,

she just starts whining. And then the second she she keeps saying we gotta go whoop it up andalese like let's go whoop it up let's go i think this is around the origin of whoop it up this is when she when she went from just being woohoo to whooping it up so heather's like well we're gonna go pee and vicky's like okay let's go those producers said i couldn't go to andalas i said hell no i'm going to andalas so she grabs tamra and lydia and just drags them through the streets and poor lydia is like oh she said it was like around the block and it's like

three miles away in the middle of mexico and the poor cameras are having to follow these crazy looking ladies around the street the cobble streets in their stilettos i know and like and it's kind of funny that lydia got swept up into it i mean she's the new girl no one even barely even talked to her they're just like they they you know like they i feel like they don't even remember that she was there but she somehow got like swept up uh into this thing with vicky and Tamara and then Gretchen sulking in the limo with Heather. It's still so

satisfying. It really is. And the Mexican guy on the street going, hey, give me a kiss. And Vicky's like, oh, you want me to have your kids? Okay. Well, maybe one day. Call me. That's not what he said. You delusional lady.

Whoop it up. It was totally Gretchen's fault. We went to Andalasian party. It was boring. She wanted to whoop it up. And then they also showed us footage of the strippers. The famous Mexican strippers. And how Heather Dubrow

was basically chasing Heather all around the suite with her huge erections. Unless she jumped behind that poor queen camera guy. She's like, you will not touch me. You will not touch me. This is sexual abuse. I will sue this show. And the queen's like, I'm not your human shield.

And she goes, oh, yes, you are. I can buy and sell you ten times over. You're my shield today. I can buy and sell you ten times over. You're my shield today. I loved this whole thing when it became. People always ask us who the biggest monster is out of all the housewives. And everybody votes Vicky across the board.

And then it shows clips of Vicky walking through hotels going, oh, you shut up, you. Just shut your little face. Hey, why don't you get your stupid butt out of this hotel room before I call you stupid and spank you on the butt, you idiot. I'm like, oh, my. They're scared of her. They're scared of her because they were like, oh, yeah, she gets angry. She gets real angry. But they're still being very polite about it. Because they're like, we know that if she hears us say anything bad about her,

when we show up, she's going to scream at us. Stupid. Shut up, Gretchen. Shut up, Gretchen. You're stupid. Gretchen, the door's going to be fine. He's not going to get hurt. Shut up. Please,

Gretchen, shut up. Shut up. you're stupid by the way that clip is also a great example of coconut music if you listen to the background please gretchen shut up shut up you're stupid shut up how does that make me laugh every single time? Every single time. I have never been with multiple partners in my life! Oh, Vicky is so full of shit. So they start talking about this ski trip and stuff, and Vicky goes,

you know, this taught me a lesson about sensationalizing lies. Like, really? Because you just had a season about fake cancer where you're still working for a place called hashtag club detox to sell cancer products because you had a boyfriend who never even had cancer. You. What do you even call Vicky? Because I love Vicky. I'm so glad she's on the show. I'm so glad they did not fire her because everybody's been fighting for her. She is hysterical. Yeah, no, she is hysterical. I don't know, you could just call her a bitch.

Crazy, monster, I don't know, lady, bonkers person. I think Douglas Ross is back with his deep thinking on the housewives. He's like, question time on the real housewives. It was a cautionary tale. It was. It was, because she thought too much about her image instead of just throwing herself into it

and being crazy. I wrote you a song. I love having you in my bed, but I'm never gonna take on your credit when reports. Keep your own bad credit, but pack my boxes forever like singing to slade at her engagement dinner after being flown on the helicopter to the roof of some rental

i loved how shady all the producers were being about gretchen like all of a sudden out of nowhere she decided to propose and and how they were making fun of how gretchen slade acted like they both did not concoct it. Like Slade was pretending like he didn't know what was going on when he knew exactly what was going on. The producers hated that. And then when they said that, when Gretchen and Slade said the producers wouldn't allow them to have people like other castmates there, and the producers were like, why would we ever say that? Of course we want that.

They'd create a scene. That's exactly what we want. They didn't want them there. Well, that's something that was going on in the old gossip world today i mean not the gossip world instagram but uh gretchen put out uh an insta an insta statement saying how dare you heather dubrow you know you called me and said congratulations and uh blah blah blah and you knew that the producers didn't let you go and you said i would be there but the producers don't want us and you know that that was a whole lie why are you lying and stabbing me in the back yeah and then heather wrote back another three paragraphs about well if you if you really did think we were friends and felt betrayed why

wouldn't you call me instead of going on instagram and i'm like okay you're not going on five pages of insta posts and nobody can give a shit about this yeah seriously well i i liked how shady andy got he was when he was like well i guess the proof is in the pudding because you know three years later they still haven't tied the knot but i'm sure if someone offered to televise their wedding they would get they would do it how does yeah how does gretchen like how does gretchen seem so nice because she is nice we met her remember she's very like every time i meet her she's so sweet i can't imagine her being so mean but these people hate her guts i mean all of the producers of the show are talking about how fake she is and how this was all faked oh really like tamra's baptism or anybody's renewals vow renewals or any of this

that they're doing on the screen i mean it's all faked and they all wait for filming to do it so they must really hate gretchen if they're throwing her to the fire or putting her feet to the fire over that well i mean we met her and she was really sweet and lovely, but I'm sure that maybe as someone to work with on a TV show that maybe she wasn't as lovely

as when we met her. Well, but they didn't even have any of that footage. I mean, if they have all that footage of Vicky wandering around telling people off and all that stuff, I just don't get it. I blame Slade because I just don't see how she could be that horrible. Like at the Winter Wonderland. It's a Winter Wonderland

or whatever. They had this party and then they're like, what viewers didn't see is that Gretchen had to sit there and get told off by every single housewife individually. Yeah. They kept saying, I need to talk with you. I need to talk with you.

Like every single one. I'm like, why did we not see that originally? That's amazing. No, I think they probably just got frustrated with her because she wasn't giving them anything. You know, Tamara, sure, her baptism was so ridiculous and contrived, but she gives a whole season worth of craziness. That way she can do her little scenes to make herself look better, you know, but if Gretchen's not giving anything and then trying to control her story so much that pisses everyone off, you know,

why this is why we always talk about with like Rinna going nuts that time when Yolanda didn't go to Erica Jane's dinner party because everyone else had to schlep over, you know, and Yolanda's like, no, I can't, you know,

it's like that, that feeling like if someone on the cast is not towing towing their the line yeah or pulling their weight yeah and everyone gets annoyed i guess i blame slade and then gretchen even started crying during this and because they they were showing all of this everybody telling her off individually and then everybody got mad and off camera but on mic were saying like well that's bullshit i'm doing it again like i'm doing it right and then they went and did it again and then at the reunion they just shit all over gretchen yeah and uh gretchen did have like legit stuff that they were mad at her about because she she really tried to take people down and just

failed miserably and everybody she was trying to team up with betrayed. It's like she's, it's like in Big Brother when their strategy just blows up in their face. But they were just shitting all over her for 18 hours shooting this reunion. And just watching her cry again. She's like, It makes me feel sick to my

stomach. It makes me steaming mad. She's just like sobbing. Steaming mad. Steamingaming mad she's so crying and tamra tamra goes well gretchen was like literally part of history well yeah i was like like maybe like internet browser history well when she's talking about alexis or or gretchen i can't even tell i think it was gretchen but the thing that really bothered me was when they got to the winter wonderland party i was so excited i was like finally we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna hear about what happened when when lydia's mom put her feet up on the couch we get to hear the true story and it wasn't even in this damn

special it was the thing i was looking forward to the most. I'm like, oh, my God. When Ryan yelled at Lydia's mom, that was the most crazy thing that happened this entire season. There must have been some kind of threats there. I think so. Because they didn't mention Ryan or Brianna. And also they didn't show Lydia's mom. And Lydia's mom had put on Insta a couple months ago that she was coming in to tape this special.

Yeah, I imagine that... So they've got footage of her. I don't know why they didn't use it. They need to do the season eight Uncensored Uncensored special. But I imagine it's probably because it was a skirmish that happened between supporting players. And I guess they're building a narrative

of the rise and fall of Gretchen. But that, to me, was one of the most noteworthy things that happened that was the thing that got everyone talking like i can't believe he said that to her or whatever threatened to sue just like she did on whistler when she was like she's talking about my sister yeah she can't do that and so they had to cut everything out so it's probably vicky but yeah i think that's probably what it was i love when they showed at this party where they someone said like yay we we did it. Everyone have shots. And Liddy goes, woohoo. And Vicky goes, oh. You, you who too?

Don't step in front of the camera. You're new. You don't get to step in front. You don't get to stand between me and the camera. One thing, they will not stand between me and the camera. This really, really made me one thing they will not stand between me and the camera batch this really really made me so excited

for the show to come back when does it come back this week right yeah on Monday oh darling we've missed you Orange County all of you awful people I mean Tamara is one of the worst people on earth and I cannot wait to see her new face and how her Christianity is going and how her crazy man body.

I just cannot wait to see that little hamster face. And then Heather Dubrow, the most obnoxious little gerbil face. Vicky, Satan, come back. I miss you, darlings. It's going to be great. Well, we'll have to rejigger. Rejigger. We'll have to rejigger our schedule a little again

because we can't have our next episode be Shaz and OC and Dallas and Southern Charms. So maybe we'll push something on to – maybe we'll push maybe the Dallas reunion into the Thursday show with New York City. Oh, who knows? We'll talk about it later we will and in the meantime thanks everyone for listening it was a fun podcast it's late at night i've got to pack my bags oh my god we talked our asses out we're like falling asleep we're like let's just talk for hours about these crazy bitches so thanks everyone for listening super fun have a great weekend and we will talk to you later love you guys about these crazy pimps. So thanks everyone for listening. Super fun. Have a great weekend and we will talk to you later.

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