Watch What Crappens - #303: Women on the Verge

Episode Date: June 22, 2016

When Bravo airs a season premiere, a season finale, and a reunion within 48 hours, you can be sure of one thing: WOMEN GOING NUTS. We have all the crazy, from Shannon's bitterness towards Vicki to Kathryn's feud with Landon to LeeAnne's general anger towards everything. So much fun that it took us 3 hours to cram it all in. Happy listening! 00:00:50 - Introduction 00:07:04 - Crappens Mailbag 00:17:49 - Real Housewives of Orange County Season 11 Premiere! 01:29:46 - Southern Charm Season 3 Finale! 02:21:36 - Real Housewives of Dallas Season 1 Reunion Subscribe at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins. That's texture.com slash crappins. Texture.com slash crappins. Watch what crappins.

Watch what crappins. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappins. Crappins. Crappins. Crappins. Crappins. Crappins. Crappins.

Crappins. Watch what crappins. Watch What Crappens is brought to you by our Patreon premium sponsors Cassie Bogalski and Christy Daugherty But there's so much that happens EnterBlender podcast, and joining me as always is the lovely and happy and cherubic Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com and the Rose Pricks podcast for all your bachelorette needs. Hi, Ronnie. Hi. Thanks for saying Rose Pricks. I love it. We had a week off last week, and it feels like it's just over now.

It's been so long. Oh. Well, I'm so happy to hear that the Rose Pricks – by the way, it's really hard to say Rose Pricks Podcast. Rose Pricks on its own is fine. Pricks Podcast is fine. But Rose Pricks Podcast, it's hard. It's hard.

It's hard. Have you tried saying it? Rose Pricks Podcast. I don't really leave my house much, so I don't have to say it out loud very often. Well, that's okay because people should listen to her because it's very funny. Yeah. Thanks to you guys for supporting the podcast. We did.

We get some ass on iTunes. It was awesome to see. Watch what crap and some Rose Pricks next to each other on the old iTunes. Yes, exactly. Yes, it's always exciting to get support, etc. Yeah, thank you so much. That's with Stephanie. And we just talked shit about The Bachelorette.

And that's two hours of pure douchebag glory for anybody who doesn't watch it. You're missing out. And Stephanie is great. We had her on a few weeks ago to talk about There Goes the Motherhood and the Real Housewives of New York City and the Berkshires. If you haven't heard that episode, you should go back and find it. It's just a few weeks ago. Love that chick. And also thank you to Scott from Big Brother Gossip Podcast for giving us a shout out this week. We love that guy. He's like a friend of this podcast. We're podcast friends. So thank you, buddy. He's got a really good big brother podcast so go check it

out yeah as long as we're thanking everyone might as well thank the people good people of reddit who have been like just awesome they did a whole thing about our 300th episode and what have been like their favorite moments or they're like they've been doing a thing about what's your favorite housewives impersonation and i don't know they just they send so much love over there it's amazing yes thank you reddit and note taken because there were a couple uh comments in there that are like their bethany impressions are good but they go on for literally like 45 minutes sometimes which is true so note taken reddit okay we read it and thank you guys so much for all your support really everybody i'm in such a weird i'm in such an oddly good mood today.

We just gave ourselves an award, basically. And we're just thanking the Academy. Yeah. We're doing a Yolanda speech. Yes. But nowhere is there more love for Watch for Crappins than on Facebook.com forward slash Watch for Crappins. Where a full-on community of people has sprung up over the past few years. And you should join it if you haven't already.

Just like that page and join the conversation because it is a conversation. That's for sure. So much fun. So many good links. So many good photos. So many funny things. That's also a good place, by the way, where Ronnie and I will randomly post some shit that we've either seen out and about

or just have come across that sometimes doesn't make it onto our show. So really go there to sort of round out your Watcher Crapman's experience. And then you go to WatcherCrapman.com to get access, not access, but to find out what our social media links are, like on Twitter and Instagram, etc.

Snapchat. And then if you go to Patreon.com forward slash Watchworkrappens you then can support us there. You can actually support this podcast and help it grow, which is a wonderful thing for all of us, I'd say.

But especially if you do that, you get access to cool things like bonus episode once a week. We just did one about the Big Brother cast ahead of tomorrow night's premiere. We just did one about the Big Brother cast ahead of tomorrow night's premiere. We went through every cast member and had a lot of fun analyzing them.

We also talked about the Food Network star a little bit. And then you can also get access to things like our monthly hangout and submitting things to the Krappen's mailbag. So that's that. Oh my gosh, the Google hangout is coming up. Oh shit. We haven't done this month. When do you want to do it well we can't do it thursday should we do it next week next thursday

why can't we do it thursday i guess not enough time yeah it's just so close god i didn't even think about that you want to do it next thursday i guess we should do it next thursday ahead of the long weekend thursday party another pre-long weekend party because that's what we did last month too yeah exactly so fun this Thursday by the way we still have to confirm, make sure it's still going on but Brian Moylan is going to come on the podcast

to talk Real Housewives of New York City with us Brian writes hilarious recaps for Vulture so I know a lot of people read those recaps and they are great oh yes so excited to have him come on we just have to confirm you know he's he's at a he's got a day job you know so who knows if he loser he might get stuck doing something else extremely hilarious and talented but also hot i totally looked him up on the Google.

I had not actually seen what he looks like. Rawr hot twink. He's like a hot, smart little twink. I'm terrified of him, but also in love. I wouldn't want to get on his bad side because I feel like he would just eviscerate me and Vulture. He'd be a Vulture. He'd be a Vulture. Big old vulture.

He'd eat me while I was down. So we have a huge, huge show because there's so many big things happening. We are going to defer Shazza Sunset, which was a big episode unto itself, but it was a less important episode. So that's going to Thursday with Real Housewives of New York City. And for today, we're going to talk about the OC premiere, the Southern Charm finale, and the Dallas reunion, which was only one episode.

So we have a lot to get to. But first, we are going to kick it all off with the Krappen's Mailbag. First, we are going to kick it all off with the Krappens mailbag. We're not talking about Shaws today, but we did get the Reza mailbag goat cry at the end when he was at dinner with jessica and he said so thanks for the shout out rizza yeah all right uh let's see we haven't read this ahead of time but let's see erica wall she says have you guys like talking to a wall oh my god erica i can't get through to you erica, have you guys listened to Heather Dubrow's podcast? The woman is even more of a narcissist than she appears on the

show. She's constantly telling boring anecdotes about her life that she thinks are so interesting and hilarious. Her co-host is her assistant Natalie, who was briefly shown on episode one of this season. I think Natalie was essentially hired to tell Heather how funny, smart, and pretty she is, which she does very well.

If you had to work as a housewife's personal assistant, who would be the best to work for? The absolute worst or the most entertaining? I think the worst would be Bethany. My God. Bethany or Shannon Medora. Bethany would be a freaking nightmare to work for. She would be the worst. That's, to me, an easy one.

Yeah, I'm trying to think who else would be terrible because I feel like Bethany is too terrible. She's the most obvious answer because she's so, so bad. I think one of the worst would probably be someone you would never suspect like Meghan.

Like Meghan King-Edmonds. I was going to say she might actually be, oddly enough, one of the best because she's so lonely that she would actually treat you like a friend who bethany yeah she's like no megan oh megan yeah but then that might be my that might be what makes her the worst yeah she does your work for you she's like i made a list of stuff for you to do and i did it all okay now hug me and call me mom justice i feel like i feel like gina liano might be a really good one to work for because i almost feel like she wouldn't like let you do anything like you would start you would start to do something and then she's like all right let me do that you know what you can't do it i'll do it i'll just do it i said i said all right task you get off my to-do

list right this minute. Actually, I can already tell you hands down who's the worst. Ramona, because I see what her assistant does, because I still look at Ramona's Snapchat and stuff. And she's got this teenager. I'm just sure it's a teenager. I haven't seen the girl, but who else works for free? You know, I see this teenager walking behind Ramona, Snapchatting her. I'm like, Ramona, do you have it? Do you have it? Is the angle good? What's my light like?

Where's the sun? Move the sun! Move the sun! I think you make a compelling case, because Bethany would be the hardest one to work for, but I feel like Bethany would give back. You know, like, it's one of those things where you go through hell, but then there's an upside, like, she would

afford you opportunities, she would write you a nice letter of recommendation. Ramona would just be hell and be petty, and it wouldn't be leading to anything. It's not like a career-defining moment. So I think that you actually hit it. I think Ramona probably would be the worst. I think the best would probably be Chica from Melbourne. Oh, Chica. Well, Chica is scary because she has a real job,

so you'd have to do catering stuff. She'd be like, unfold those chairs, would you, doll? Here's what I always say the secret to life is, having the chairs properly tucked under a table before a party. You know what the secret of life is? It's having a drawer for all your utensils. It makes it so easy for Brucey in the morning. Could you do me a favour, doll?

The secret to life is a draw that closes without making a noise. Could you come up with some sort of a system? Oh, did you get some bumpers from Ikea? Oh, you're a genius. Here's a raise. Brucey says, good luck to you. Oh, P.S. Amazing news. I mean,

kind of, because this is going gonna make our summer kind of hard because there's so many shows to cover in the summer but real housewives of melbourne returning to american television really really i 20 seconds wow we're gonna have it back and it is supposed to be We're going to have it back, and it is supposed to be amazing, okay? That is fabulous. It's a mixture of fucking and amazing. That is fabulous. No, the timing is perfect because once Southern Charm is out of the way, we will have – Shaz will not have that much longer.

We'll have Below Deck Mediterranean to kick around, but we're basically just going to have OC, New York, and New Jersey. So why not throw Melbourne in there and have four housewives all week long? Bring your own?

That's awesome. So, Elise Hayes says, are you guys watching Unreal Season 2? Would love to hear your thoughts in a bonus episode. Yes!

Ben, Season 2 of Unreal. It's unreal! What a great title! It is a good title. It's so silly and ridiculous. They've gone over the top. It's basically talking about stupid white

people, executive racism within the TV industry, but also general sluttiness and mental deficiencies. It's so good! It's been fantastic. It's worth a watch. By the way, I know I sound like I'm on drugs. I'm absolutely not. I just actually slept last night.

I have watched the pilot to Unreal, and I really liked it a lot. I just haven't been able to watch the other episodes, and Lifetime is not making it any easier, I have to say. I can't find it. And I don't really feel like paying for it. So until it becomes more easy to stream.

And someone said – Oh, I see what you're saying. It's not on demand. It's not on demand. Apparently, you have to get like a Lifetime app, which I couldn't – I don't know. There were a lot of barriers to entry. And I decided, you know what? You know what?

I'm renewed, okay? And as much as I want to watch this show, they're making it too difficult for me. So I'm just going to watch something else because there are a million shows to watch. Yeah, well, that's a very good show. I mean, I pay for Lifetime, so before anyone tries to sue me, I do steal it because I can't be sitting through those commercials. I can't. Well, I watched Lifetime, but I'm't be sitting through those commercials. I can't. Well, I watched Lifetime, but I'm not going to watch Unreal Season 2 before Season 1.

And I guess they had a marathon, but I didn't realize the marathon was happening. And by the time I realized they were doing a Season 1 marathon, there was like one episode left, and they're like, no, we're not going to show any more of these. Sorry. There's something about that show. The actors are so good,

and they make the characters just so awful, but God, i love it and this year their plot doesn't even try and make any sense they're like okay let's both run the show and then we'll edit it differently and then we'll let the network choose that ain't ever gonna happen i mean shit like that is just so crazy but it is so fun to watch and the actresses on it are fantastic really really good yeah i hear it hear it's great, the second season. The Quinitars. The Quinitars,

which is a couple, they say, Ben, you articulated your opinion on the Second Amendment, okay, spot on in last week's bonus episode. Thank you. I found myself saying, yup, out loud and nodding. And Ronnie, it's like you're reading my brains when it comes to hillary beyonce and dick's function just want to express my appreciation that i found two perceptive voices who also make me laugh oh well thank you quinators oh thank you um so on my on to my

crappin's question ramona talking to animals in africa was an instant classic is uh episode 122 uh yes we bookmark our favorite bits how did ramona talk to the animals on her recent trip to australia oh my god whoa whoa whoa this kangaroo hey hey do you see this kangaroo over here it's it's bouncing it's jumping luann look at this kangaroo it's jumping all around that's crazy oh my god my god. Look, Luanne. Hey, Camille, I want to tell you something. Let's face it, okay? You've got your baby, like, hanging in a baby bjorn. That's crazy, okay? Let's face it. Like, carrying your baby on your stomach, like, outside of it. Like, that's great. That's nuts, okay? Okay. Hey, kangaroo. Hey, kangaroo. Why are you jumping everywhere? You're gonna get yourself hurt, okay? Like, that's great. That's nuts, okay? Okay. Hey, kangaroo. Hey, kangaroo. Why are you jumping everywhere?

You're going to get yourself hurt, okay? Like, that's not right. How about you just walk like a real lady kangaroo? You know what? You're partying too much. It's embarrassing to be around you, kangaroo. You're a very irresponsible mother, okay? Not only are you hopping around with the baby on your stomach, but, like, it's so unprotected.

Like, what are you going to do when a dingo steals your baby? Like, you're not even going to be able to complain to anyone, okay? Hey, Koala. Koala. Why are you sleeping so much, okay? Like you can't sleep the whole day, Koala. You just can't do that. I always tell Avery if you sleep the whole day, it's going to be like when I was this little girl and I once slept in and

then my father, he said, hey, wake up. And I said, what's going on? And I was so disoriented and I couldn't get back to sleep the whole rest of the day. Okay? Koala, when you threw that piece of bamboo at the other koala's head, it reminded me of a noodle that my father threw at my mother. Like, I can't with you, okay? Stop clinging onto that tree like it's Mario, okay?

The tree is gone, koala. Like, you'll be okay. Hey! Okay? Okay. okay hey kangaroo hey kangaroo do you see koala sleeping over there yeah he's sleeping all day long isn't that crazy okay it's day class you know what i'm sorry i'm sorry it's day class a isn't that tree a little Listen, koala. I was in this tree first, okay? I slept in this tree, I don't know, five, seven times. So I just wish you told me you'd taken the tree, okay?

Take us out next, koala! I wish I knew more animals in Australia. I literally don't know any. I was like, wow, wallop bears are Australian. Wow, I didn't know. Hey, cassowary. Hey, platypus. What's going on with your lips?

Did you get your lips done? You can tell me. I've got this girl. You should come see my girl. She's got Greek columns in her office. She's great. Oh, my God. It's a crappin's mailbag, Australia.

Yeah, it really is. Should we do one more? No, no, we'll save them for... Let's save them for Thursday, because we have a lighter show on Thursday. So we will just wrap up the Krappens Mailbag for today.

Okay. Krappens Mailbag. Krappens Mailbag. May I be the first to say, welcome home, Real Housewives of Orange County. Welcome home. Yes, Orange County is back. Feels weird, almost. Christ, it's hilarious.

I was laughing so hard. I was so glad this show is back Mostly just anything Shannon does Shannon is really Really already amazing this year Oh yeah she's really She's really Very crotchety and you know

I thought everyone was going to be excited For this show to come back but it turns out Not everyone was excited Am I excited? No No for this show to come back, but it turns out not everyone was excited. Am I excited? No. No. No. No.

Am I excited? Mr. 30-year-old. No. No. I love when she phrases everything as a question. Like, doc, doc, doc. It's like you can't ask who's the duck. It's duck, duck, goose. Are you a duck? No.

Actually, she does the inverse. Are you a goose? No. Are you a goose? No. Are you a goose? No. Are you a duck? No. Then she starts running. You're all ducks! Let's be honest running let's be

let's be honest the real way she plays doctor who says David David David David David David David on the beach this season it opens with a this season at the real housewives of orange county batch i've been saying bitch or batch rather ever since the show was announced to come back every day i'm like hey batch even to you today before we started i was like well do it batch i can't stop fucking tamra but it's like this season on the real housewives of orange county batch screaming you want to whoop it up cow screaming at cows someone finally knocks out there on the back of the head i mean it's a table but still and then

a new girl and jokes from the 90s this girl that's going to be this new girl's thing is just saying really old 90s jokes not not The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. It makes me pine for the days of Slade's stand-up comedy. But seeing the coming up clips of Heather sobbing, hilarious. Sorry, Heather. David in a wig, even more hilarious.

I thought from earlier previews that David in his bunco wig or whatever was one of Vicky's old gay friends who tried to yell at Gretchen that time. Remember? Yeah. I forget about those guys. And then they all crash in a golf cart or some shit. Yeah. Well, then the show opened up. well then the show opened up and uh all of a sudden you know for season 11 it's suddenly like where's keeper sutherland because it was like an episode of 24 everything all these panels were

coming in and out you know it was like beep beep beep beep like everyone's like here's tamra working out and here's shannon looking at something suspiciously and here's shannon and tamra working out again and now she's doing a pull-up. And now here's Vicky walking around. It's like everything's sliding in. And Megan King-Edmonds is picking out a pot for her new house. And, you know, it's like. Heather pretending to spend time with her children. Yeah.

Who are you? And every time a panel came in, they had a sound effect. They go, vroom, vroom. So the entire screen was like, vroom, vroom, vroom. And Tamara doing pull-ups and her trainer going, back is the new butt. What? What does that mean? Like, some of these opening lines are so funny.

Shannon playing basketball with her kids and going, I'm open. I'm open. That's actually the metaphor of the season. David, I'm raw and open. David? David, I'm raw and open. David? David, I'm trying to block myself against your terrible, illegal moves, but there's no referee to tell you you're wrong.

David? David? David, I too am a warrior, like the Golden State people. But I've persevered through a different kind of war. The war of David. David! So we get to go see Tamra working out. Tamra is one of the worst human beings on the planet and i will stick by that forever but you know opinions flip they change like they flip like the wind idiot they change like the wind and i have to say you have

to give credit where credit is due with all of these facelifts and crazy shit that tamra does her face she looks more beautiful than she has she looks phenomenal years like she looks the least facially fucked up she has in years she's you know what she's always looked really good even when she's ever had like a nip and a tuck or whatever well she usually gets like a like a tuck and then a nip and then a nip and then like a removal and then a talk and then a removal but like she has always looked great she's actually always looked really really good and she looks yeah she looks amazing this fitness is working well with her the past couple of seasons she's had hamster face and uh heather has gerbil face still got it like heather's gerbil face gets scarier every year but tamra she just looks so pretty and i don't know if it's this

fake christianity or what she's got going, but it seems to be making her lovely. Like, I didn't even hate Tamara once today. That never happens. Even when she's saying total, like, even when she's telling total lies, like, well, you know, I was really good friends with Vicky until she fucked me because that's not really what happened. Yeah. Tamara. But OK. And by the happened. Yeah. Tamara. But, okay. And, by the way, exactly.

And what season of Real Housewives of Orange County does not open with Tamara and Vicky angry at each other? And then three episodes in, and Vicky being, I miss my best friend. I miss my best friends. I miss you too, bitch. And then they hug and have tequila. So, Tamara is about to go through menopause. I'm premenopausal batch but menopause is not gonna happen to me okay like i'm an instagramma and that means age doesn't matter just likes on your ass do

yeah by the way whatever happened to her real estate career does that is that like not happening anymore i just love i love how her occupational um storylines are just so – they come and go very quickly. And also that she can make God references even talking about sex. She's like, since my fake baptism, like, our sex life is so good. I scream, oh, God, at least 20 times. I'm like, oh, my God. He's like, look, according to who I grew up with, all God really has asked for is for you to just pretend that you're not gay. It's not like he doesn't hate you.

It's like, thank you for at least making your husband pretend he's not gay. Thank you. That's all I ever asked for. He's like, I made you horny or so you'd stop praying to me all the time. I was hoping for like 20 minutes off. He's like, God, why would i give camera another excuse to be on her knees what was i thinking he's like gosh me what if god was like that he's like i'm sorry but i can't listen to you right now i'm just like i'm just here for casual things gosh gosh i just Gosh, I just opened up a dive bar.

I can't listen to your prayers now, Tamara. Oh my gosh. Watch your mouth! I'm sorry. So Megan is remodeling her home because the ex-wife owned everything before. And like, you know, I wanted my own house. So I finally pulled the plug and we got this house and i've remodeled from scratch yeah for that it means like busts of head and giant

jars that say sugar on them jars that are probably empty i'd like now i'm having my assistant walk around and put my name tag on the back of my furniture so when he gets married again the new wife can deal with it yeah i don't want this shirt so it was inspected by someone it's probably his ex-wife who's number 41 that was my favorite thing about megan in season one that the ex-wife had tape on the back of all of her furniture that said it was hers. So, so funny. Oh, good old Megan. Um,

we also learned that, uh, Jimmy, uh, aside from being a broadcaster and a coach for the Cardinals and just being a sort of an, like a full-time asshole, he's also gotten into candle making. Candle making. So funny.

He's like, yep, this smells pretty good. Jim is doing everything he can to rehab his image because no matter how famous or rich you are, people will rip you apart if you're an asshole to your wife on this show. And they sure did. And so now he's

doing this thing where he's trying really hard to smile and it is so funny because he cannot do it. He's like It's like the heaviest thing I ever lifted. Like, you want to talk about IVF, Jim? Because like, it's like crazy. Like, we were supposed

to start IVF on day two of my period, and it's nuts because we were there on day two of my period. And he goes, look at the barcode on this soap. period and he goes uh look at the barcode on this soap she said that jim finally agreed to have a baby he finally told me i want to have a baby with you because i don't want to lose you and then she smiles uh so basically you pressured him to the point of having a baby with you so now he can resent you and just leave you with a newborn

good luck with that yeah exactly there's a reason he got you a baby with you. So now he can resent you and just leave you with a newborn. Good luck with that. Yeah, exactly. There's a reason he got you a house with your own furniture. Bye now. See a cabbage patch doll. That's all she gets. Then she tries to talk about her IVF some more. And he's like, oh, barcodes.

Yeah. You know, if there's one thing that we as Bravovo viewers love watching it's women struggling with infertility yeah oh good doesn't this sound fun so he had a vasectomy but he froze his sperm you know and then they try and figure out their uh what do you see don't count your eggs before they hatch is that it no i think it's don't count your chickens before they hatch and he goes nope? No, I think it's don't count your chickens before they hatch. And he goes, nope, it's eggs. She's like, yeah, it's eggs. Don't count your eggs before they hatch.

How else would grocery stores do it, you fucking moron? I think he was making a reference to her lady eggs. She's like, I don't know why people say that expression in the first place. Like, what does it even mean? I'm just looking for hashtag knowledge. Hashtag knowledge. Why does it say a dozen eggs when there's only 12 in here? I want to make sure there are 12 eggs in this carton,

but I've been told I can't count them until they all hatch. I hope these eggs hatch soon so I can make some omelets. Now off to the Sunland Park Mall house. Yes. Heather and Terry. Yes. So Heather has decided that she wants to have a party, basically because Terry had a health scare,

and she wants to announce to everyone that Terry had a health scare. But that's not even why she wants a party. She wants to have a party, but she's worried there's going to be a fight. And he's like, wait, no one's talked to Vicky this whole time and this whole entire break? And she's like, no. So to stop a fight from happening, what I'm going to do is I'm going to give a toast. And I'm going to talk about the recent health scare and he's like mine yes terry yours and we're gonna talk about it and then people won't fight i'm like

way to openly admit that you're only bringing this up to manipulate people's emotions yeah so your party goes okay and since when have any of these women shown any sort of tact around a medical situation like you mentioned that he almost had to have heart surgery. You think that this will ever stop these women from having a fight? No kidding. They fought at a baptism, for crying out loud. I mean, it was, you know, a gigantic California raisin baptism, but still. But Jesus was there.

What was I going to say? Okay. It's also very hypocritical of Heather to make her storyline about her man having a disease that he doesn't have. Like, I get that it's different because he's not lying about it. But you're making a storyline out of a disease your husband never even had. It's like, what, are you going to cry every time he has to have a test for something he had an echo cardiogram heart thing and then people were so scared but then he was okay i'm like okay story over why are you bringing it up like i i had a prostate exam you want me to sit here and cry about the fingers up my butt

so i'll do it meanwhile alexis bolino is probably like having three heart attacks in a row. She's like, oh, thank God he's okay. Oh, no. Oh, thank God he's okay. Where are they getting all the pop songs to use in the show? Because next we go to Vicky's house, and I think they're playing a Radiohead song. It's weird. I think it was just... Did you recognize that?

No, I thought it was the ringer on her phone. Maybe it was just a trick your brain played to fill the void that was left by the absent Caliente sign. I think they were playing I'm going to give all my secrets away, which made me LOL because it's Vicky. Well, Vicky was, you know, she's walking into her lonely house in her sterile, cold, white kitchen that no longer has a caliente sign and she says she starts talking about how like a lot of things have changed she's like yeah i got a new haircut i got a new kitchen i lost all my friends and lost my boyfriend i was like oh so that comes after the haircut like that's the but most importantly i got a new haircut. Star. In order of importance. In order of importance.

I signed up for texture.com. Got some bangs. Retweeted somebody. Oh, I found a great new shoehorn. I painted all my cabinets in off-white so they all look dirty for no reason. Yeah, no. Yeah. Thank you. I tried this new brand of Jif peanut butter

that has jelly inside it, too. It was really great, really wonderful. Brooks was my best friend. And, you know, like, when he left me, like, I don't even care. I literally laid in the street

and I begged him not to go. I said, I don't care about your records. I don't care. I believe you have cancer. Come back! You fucking pathetic woman. Really? That's why you have cancer. Come back. You pathetic woman. Really?

That's why you tried to get Brooks back. Well, I thought the spin when all the press was going on was that she called it quits. So when she tells this story, it actually makes her sound so pathetic that here's this guy who's been discredited. And you're lying in the street where your insurance probably does not cover you and you're begging for him to come back. I have cul-de-sac insurance. How dare you?

I have asphalt insurance. Yeah, well, Vicky's a liar. Vicky's a chronic liar. She can't help it. That is her real chronic disease. And he totally dumped her. And he's a liar too, but I believe that he dumped her because I read that People Magazine article and he's like,

well, people were mean to me and I just can't with that. You know, it's like he dumped her because he couldn't get away. Yeah, he got caught. And also they both had the same lie. They showed all these clips of the lie and they were both saying the same thing, which is, well, I just did it because I wanted people to be nice to me.

I just wanted a casserole! You know, and that was basically what he said in People. Like, yeah, I faked my documents, but it was just because I wanted a little compassion about having cancer in the first place. So I didn't have documents for it. Whatever. Stop questioning me. Shady. Shady Brooks.

Bye-bye, Brooks. Whether it was a cancer scare or whether it was a lie, I would defend my man again. I'm like, well, way to learn something, Vicky, especially since you're still shilling shit for Club Detox. Yeah, exactly. Lies, and I love you. I love you, you crazy, compulsive, nutcase, awful human being. Please stay on the show forever. Thanks. I know. But I love no one more than Shannon Bedore. I wasn't even trying to rhyme that.

She's my favorite of all. And we then go to her and she's, damn it, making beef stew, which is not what I'd ever imagine her to be cooking ever. Big goopy thing of beef stew. I've been cooking all day, David. Well, doesn't beef stew doesn't beef stew go in?

I'm sorry. Brooks shows up. He's like, I'll have a question about the beef stew. I'm no longer with Vicky, so could you cook for me instead? Nah. Roses are red. Violets are blue. It's been a long day. I could use some beef stew.

So romantic. David, David, someone wants my stew. How's that make you feel, David? Here lies Shannon Medora, killed by David, not wanting my beef stew. Here lies Shannon Medora, dead because she ate beef stew that sat around too long because

David refused to eat it. David, David, we're not leaving this table to eat my beef stew. David, I will sit here all night, young man. David, David. we're not leaving this table to eat my beef stew. David, I will sit here all night, young man. David, David. When she's like, I was cooking all day, David. He goes, dear, isn't that a crockpot dish? I was making a joke.

And he just stares at her, not getting it at all. You two seem to be doing great. Yeah. Shannon is opening the season with these big, huge, fake-ass smiles. Yes. And trying to pretend how happy she is. Yes. And it's not going to work out.

Yeah. Well, her big thing, she keeps having these reflective moments, which she also, I think, said last year a few times. She's like, who would have thought in one year we could have gone from here to here? And when the first year they show her lying in her tombstone in her grave here lies shannon bedore she's like from here to here and like what's it what's life like now they cut to david walking by her and she goes oh i thought you were coming to hug me great work shannon that's what i wrote too. Here lies Shannon to beef stew without a hug.

It's a full circle. Died of hypochondria. No, not hypochondria. Well, I probably would die of hypochondria, too. Died of hypothermia because I wasn't warmed by either beef stew or a hug. Damn it. Damn it. It's amazing.

Tina said it takes two years, two years to get over a hug. It's amazing. Tina said it takes two years, two years to get over a divorce. And then it cuts to the shrink going, this could take up to two years to get over. He comes back to Shannon going, and it's been less than two years and there you go, I'm over the affair. Big smile.

Emotional healing is not like downloading something from the internet. It's not like you have a status bar that says two minutes left And then you're fine Here lies Shannon Bedore Dead of chronic disappointment I'm so I'm happy to report that this spinny wheel

Has stopped spinning and now my computer Is back and running The Bedore family is doing incredible I'm like this is not your AOL group I know. David went hiking. Stella loves books. I watered the garden today with a new house.

Please don't apply all to this. And I'm down to 7 to 13 negative thoughts per day, which the doctor says is just like HIV. It's barely detectable rage. Invisible rage. That's a new thing on Bravo. They're invisible disease. My invisible disease of rage.

I'm completely over the affair. The affair that David had when he was not hugging me. The affair he had that I have zero negative thoughts about ever. But he just would like to, in case anyone forgot, he did have an affair. So, David, I'm over your affair. Oh, sorry. No, I'm not.

I wait for a pause. I'm like, Everybody's doing great. The kids are great. This one's happy. That one's happy. But Stella's ready to drive and get an apartment.

And then it turns into, like, how evil Stella is turning, which, I mean, come on. This is a housewife. This is glorious to watch children just go bad on this show. Like their teenage rebellious years. Love it. I found the iPad in your room, young lady. And you know what happens when a boy

sends you a message? Where does it go? Where does it go? Dad's phone. Wait, see it. Well, I've been... Dad's phone has been, you know... Well, you know, I mean, here's what's happened. Here's? Dad's phone. Wait, is it? Well, I've been... Dad's phone has been, you know... Well, you know, I mean, here's what's happened. Here's basically what's happened. Like, she finds this conversation on David's phone,

and he's like, uh, yes, dear, uh, it's Stella. This is a conversation with Stella. She must have met someone on the beach that time. We should ground her. Who is this Stella? Who is she? I'll kill her. Well, you know that Shannon is basically channeling all the rage she has from David,

and now she's just going to pour it out onto Estella. David, you tell me what Rofo means right now. I don't know, dear. Rofo, you tell me right now. Is that a new sexual position you learned from some slut on the beach? I think it means rolling on the floor laughing, dear. Estella, our teenager. Oh.

Oh, I see. I almost divorced your father. I hope you're happy. the floor laughing, dear. It's Stella, our teenager. Oh, I see. I almost divorced your father. I hope you're happy. Here lies Shambador, rolling on the floor, laughing to death in her grave. I like how Stella, finally Stella's jacket is being addressed, because she's been wearing that jacket for like two seasons now. And Chan's like, Stella, this is not a gastropub. Take your jacket and so i was like i think i'll keep it on and then chan's like stop talking to all the boys i'm like shannon i don't know if she's gonna be that interested in

talking to boys the way you think well girls too whoever can get you pregnant and stella's like uh i want to have an insane party before we move an insane party an insane party an insane party are you just practicing line readings and thinking they're gonna edit some of this shit out or what well then they start talking about because when they move out they're gonna start like talking about get they're gonna get a dog and they start talking about, because when they move out, they're going to start talking about, they're going to get a dog. And they're talking about potential dogs. And someone's like, what about a lab?

And Shannon, this is like my favorite Shannon line of the night. I didn't record it because I didn't feel like it would translate. But they're like, yeah, that's it. What about a lab? And Shannon just goes, they shed. It's like, wah, wah, wah. They shed. They shed. They shed.

Just how your father shed me for a woman on the beach. David. David. You can't hot glue gun hair back on a dog like Tina did with me a couple years ago at the Marriott. I just want you girls to know that once you do get your shedding lab, that you can't teach a dog an old dog new tricks. Isn't that right, David? David?

David's still cheating and putting sugar in things. All right, David, roll over. Look, he did it. Okay, never mind. I was wrong. They're going to be downsizing their house. I don't care if people think that it's because we're poor. Who cares?

We're doing it because we want a smaller home. And David's going to need a place to move into when I'm done with it. Yeah, yeah. And then when they're talking about the crazy party, they start talking about making jokes about raiding a wine cellar. And then the older daughter was like, I would never do that. I would never do that. And then they're like, yeah, no, we know.

And then Shannon goes, other people at this table would. She looks at Stella. And Stella burps. Stella has this look on her face. I just love that Shannon is turning all her David rage onto Stella. Stella. Well, the difference between you and your father is you can't leave until you're 18. So suck it up, missy.

Miss 13-year-old old so next up is megan and her mom her mom also had ivs so she's like mom do you remember this procedure like what it's like and she's like well it was a little different back then you know they just shove a protein popsicle up your hoo-ha and show you a pix of velvet until a baby formed but yeah i'm here that's why we called you hound dog growing up oh that really hurt my feelings show you a pixie velvet until a baby formed but yeah I'm here. That's why we called you hound dog growing up. Oh that really

hurt my feelings. I wish I could remember all my Megan King Edmund jokes. All I remember is hashtag knowledge and hashtag justice.

That's pretty much all she did last year. It's going to be bizarre seeing her without a mystery. I'll have to open up the glossary. The Watcher crap is not a glossary.

So she's got a fear of needles. She's kind of doing Housewives Season 1 stuff where she's like, I'm going to the doctor. I'm scared of needles. That's why I'm with the guy with the tiny prick I wrote. I love a big business reference wherever I can get it, okay? That's what got me into this mess. When I got a dad, I fainted. Oh, jeez.

And then she's, like, biting her mom's arm as a pillow. And then she starts her, you know what really sucks? And I don't like when they read, like, they're reading off the teleprompter which is kind of megan this season she's like my husband can't even be here for my ivf treatment but we're supposed to be doing this together it sucks oh we get it i can't believe she's not even pregnant yet because she's already got the split dry split ends of someone who's like in their eighth month of pregnancy with their fourth child i know uh yeah this this whole sequence was it was just like we've seen it so many times on these shows you know a procedure is happening she's crying i mean the only thing that was mildly interesting about this was learning that her uterus is in

the shape of a c well you gotta start spelling cut fitness somehow are you sure it's not a J? Are you sure it's not a U? What angle are you going in? My vagina is in the shape of a hashtag. Hashtag curvature. We've seen this done so many times with so many better haircuts.

Yeah. So Tamara and Heather. Yes. Tamara and Heather. Okay. I'm getting a tree for this song that will be done in 2015 heather is so obnoxious she's getting a tree and for some reason i really laughed when the the tree guy who's helping them he like takes them to like a meyer lemon tree he goes well i think a meyer is automatic. He didn't even say it in gay voice. I just did that because I'm gay. But for me, it was like such a funny, like, it's a given.

Well, obviously, a Meyer lemon is a given. And secretly, I was like, yes, I agree. Heather is basically a Lucy walking around in a Charlie Brown dress. She's wearing like orange and black stripes like charlie brown but she's lucy it doesn't make any sense i hate heather she it was actually very close that amazing thing that diane weist wore in bullets over broadway when she and um john cusack go walking through central park but uh it looked better on diane weist yeah and diane weist played the biggest asshole in the world and heather spill out through Central Park, but it looked better on Diane Weiss. Yeah, and Diane Weiss played

the biggest asshole in the world, and Heather spilled out assholes her. What am I? Some old vain Broadway legend? Don't speak. What am I? Some old vain TV land legend? Heather. I have built

this entire house without any help from Terry. Really? Because I think he's the one who's actually worked to make the money to build this house. What is this, the house that your guest star on Reba built? Don't complain to us about what a massive undertaking it's been for you to build a mall, okay? You did it. It was your own choice.

I have no sympathy. You're just burning through money that could probably go to much better and wonderful things in this world so like do it and be happy about it and enjoy it because you know god bless like i want a mall house but don't complain like it's it's been so hard on me i've been doing this all myself i have to pick out every minor lemon treat you know what yeah fuck off yeah fuck off build. Shut up, mountain, and then go to it. She is doing this triangular villain thing I was talking about earlier.

She's doing her lipstick where at the very middle of her top lip it goes down in this triangular shape, just like a villain. And her eyes are so big now and her eyebrows are pulled back to the top of her head and she just looks crazy.

And I also wrote, Tamara has a lovely new forehead and wig. Poor Tamara. Just when she thought she could get away with just, like, you know, unchecked adulation at the top of the show. No. It's Tamara, okay? You can never. You can forgive, but you can't forget, y'all. Is Shannon going to be mad if I

invite her yeah yes and then Heather goes yeah but don't you remember when um Vicky invited Shannon when everybody was ignoring Shannon I was like you mean when you were ignoring Shannon yeah wasn't wasn't Heather the one who refused to invite Shannon somewhere well

there was that too but there was but it was the Megan's thing, yeah. Oh, it was Megan's thing, sorry. But you know what that means to me? That means that the producers are setting Vicky up to be, you know, not the hero, but

they're setting up Shannon to be the villain now. The one who can't get over it, as they say. Yes, because the biggest victim wins. We all know that. And say what you will about Vicky, but she has been on for a reason and the producers will always stick up for her. So Shannon, you better hop to it quickly.

Better get over this grudge if you still want to be the hero of the show, even though we will always love you. You will always love me, Shannon. Shannon is not really... I mean, Shannon's our hero because she's hilarious, but I don't think she's really the hero of the show. I think that's mostly in our little universe.

Her first season, she was the hero. That's for sure. Yeah, that's true. She did have a good first season. Last season was weird. There wasn't really a hero last season. If anything, maybe Megan King-Edmonds was sort of a hero, as in more of a champion of knowledge

and justice but there wasn't really a hero last season more just you know just a bunch of women squabbling well so the next scene is up at a restaurant not based on this show called the quiet woman it's like this is like every husband's dream in Orange County. It's like so built by a cul-de-sac of husbands. Yeah, I'm like, how is this even allowed to be on Bravo, a restaurant called The Quiet Woman? The Quiet Woman. So Megan is meeting the new girl, Kelly, who is kind of like this Access Hollywood kind of idiot with fluorescent lips and too much filler.

Not sure. Yeah, well, she's from Scottsdale, so that sort of sums up everything, doesn't it? Yeah, I lived in Scottsdale, but my third nose and gums melted off, so here I am. Well, here's where we know where Kelly went wrong in life. She grew up in Scottsdale

and always dreamed of moving to Orange County. So, I mean, it's the, it's, the fates were against her. Her goals were screwed up from the beginning. She's like, I want to go from this kind of fake tan to that kind of fake tan. So Kelly seems, so Kelly seems kind of okay at first, but I know I'm going to hate her because of this line. Well, I was homecoming queen and was in varsity cheer as a junior i'm like wow you're bragging about shit from when you were a junior in high school this is only gonna go downhill from here oh yeah it certainly

will and something that happened in junior when you were a junior in high school yeah exactly i mean hey i'll brag about what happened in my junior year of high school, but I don't know if I'd brag about it on TV. Fine, if everyone wants to know, I was in French club there. Glad I got that off my chest. But it was only for seniors. I was in French club, but it was only supposed to be for Spanish people. You guys, I was in JV tennis my senior year. So there, it's an anti-brag.

I was in JV tennis my senior year So there it's an anti-brag Also I knew that I was gonna not like her When Megan mentioned that She and Jim got a house up in Idaho And then she goes Idaho Idaho

I'm like oh my god There she goes with her 90s jokes It's dependable it's every scene And you know I love a pun like I, I love puns, but don't spring the Idaho, Idaho t-shirt line as if it's like this great, great thought. And the sad thing is Megan's like, oh my god,

I said the same thing. Sisters for life. You didn't, Megan. No, you didn't. Congratulations, you've stolen a joke off a t-shirt from Urban Outfitters. Urban Outfitters. It was. joke off a t-shirt from Urban Outfitters. Urban Outfitters. It was. It was a t-shirt from Urban Outfitters.

Third sign that this woman is going to be hateable. She named her daughter Jolie. I mean, come on. And then she goes, now I have a kid named Jolie and I have my designer baby. Ew. Yeah. Designer baby. Yeah.

No, she's awful. I actually feel terrible for Jolie because I feel like. The woman named Jolie is destined to be happy. I mean, that bitch is still on the cover of people crying about Brad every week. Poor Jolie looks like such a sweet, lovely girl. She's getting bullied at school and all she wants to do is go to dance class. And they won't let her. They won't let her. Well, we'll get to that well we'll get to that we'll get to that i mean who does that i just you know what joely is the hero of the season already that's what this is this poor girl it's

an uphill battle yeah so i'll be able to climb because your parents won't let you exercise so the funny thing is when megan and kelly are the IVF, etc., Megan's like, you know, I'm really happy to talk about this because people are embarrassed to talk about infertility. I'm like, have you seen Bravo? Have you seen how many fertility things we've had to undergo, like have to endure one after the other after the other? And then, of course, there's the obligatory episode where you carry around a baby doll for 24 hours and realize you're not fit to be a mom. Oh, God. And on top of that, you're also – by the way, you don't have fertility issues. You're not infertile.

It's just that he got a vasectomy. I'm kidding. Adopt a kid. What is everybody's deal? Like, why would you need to pass any of those genes on? Gyms or yours? Neither one of those look like genes that need to be passed on. Go adopt a fucking kid for

christ's sake i'm getting sick of this ivf crap everybody's doing it there are so many kids who need you no one needs like a an ingrained eating disorder megan adopt uh well i do think the world needs more candle makers so i would take issue with what you said well i mean and an argument could be made i mean jim edmonds is like a baseball superstar. So there are some genetics there that are probably worth something. But he also has four kids. But to be fair, he also has that. You want to be sure you have a kid who's going to be able to swing a lot?

That doesn't sound like a good thing. To be fair, he probably does want to have a do-over over Haley. So I get it. He's like, I went to preschool for my kid today. Haley's like, cosmetic school is so hard. Gosh! Everyone turns into Shep. Gosh!

Speaking of kids, the latest news is that Vicky bought Brianna and Ryan a house in California. And she's flying out there to drive back with them. And baby Troy answered the phone. So that was that. She bought her kid a house to move back. And Brianna will only come back for the house now that Brooks is gone. and Brianna will only come back for the house and now that Brooks is gone. And this is when we also got to hear

some of Vicky's new tagline, which is just like, you know, like, you know, Brianna and I, we were always close, but, you know, we just had a big issue with Brooks. But, you know, not every relationship is perfect. You know, we fight. That's like her thing.

Not everything's perfect. And I have no love in my life. You know, I'm alone. Not everything's perfect. That's every asshole's response to everything. Sorry, I'm not perfect. Yeah. Oh, I hate that.

Sorry. Well, I'm not perfect. Okay. It has nothing to do with anything that you did. You just happen to not be perfect. Come on now. But I did like when she's like, come on, Brianna. We'll be like Thelma and Louise.

You know how that ended, right? Jesus, please go off the cliff. Please. And Ryan is no Brad Pitt, so let's just stop this entire analogy. No, that's Brooks standing on the side of the road, hitchhiking with his shirt off. Oh my God, look at that pasty pod guy

with the hairy back. He's holding a sign that says, I have. What's that thing where, what's that biblical disease where your limbs fall off? Leprosy. Oh, my insurance policy covers that. Get in. Oh, no.

My insurance policy covers hitchhiker lepers. That's the HLP, hitchhiker leper policy. No, we're covered. Brianna, stop worrying. We're covered. Oh, look. Look at that adorable. Look at that.

Oh, is that Brooks? I see something adorable there with like a leathery back. Mom, it's an armadillo. Oh. I love that in our version of Thelma and Louise, Vicky is Geena Davis. You know, I never saw Thelma and Louise. I'm just, I just, all I know is Bandana is a Grand Canyon and Brad Pitt was in it. And I think he got murdered.

Well, yeah, nothing, nothing really good happened. I don't want to spoil it for anybody who hasn't seen a movie from the 80s. Okay. It's iconic. Okay. It's iconic. You know, Ronnie and I actually dress up like Thelma and Louise to do the podcast. I have a bandana in my hair right now and big sunglasses on.

Come on, let's drive over the cul-de-sac. Okay, we're back around. It's like a totally different ending. I almost snuffed. I was taking a sip of coffee, and then the idea of Vicky making a lap around the cul-de-sac. Okay, we're done now. There's like five sequels to Thelma and Louise. She just thinks going anywhere in a car is like Thelma and Louise.

I love the scene in Thelma and Louise when they went to the car wash and got chipwitches while they waited. Well at least it's not somebody calling themselves uh lucy and ethel that's like the housewives thing we're lucy and ethel but they're all ethels so um so heather calls vicky to invite her really i'm like what's wrong shannon stopped quoting kristin kristin but um so heather's like, claw hand, claw hand, claw hand. I want it by you with a plus one.

And Vicky's like, oh, well, you know, I don't have any love in my life, but that's okay. I'm like, that's her other thing. Like, oh, well, you know, I'm just me, little me. I'm alone. Thanks for calling me. You know, I would have had a man answer the phone to give the phone to me, but there's no one here. It's just me. I'm alone.

I'll go on a cruise, sure. Sorry, Heather. I can't hear you. Let me turn down heart singing alone right now. Excuse me. Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you over the ding of the microwave cooking my dinner for one.

Say that again. Hold on. Let me make sure that I have my pink can security set up. I've learned a lot from watching Home Alone a lot. That should be Vicky just at that Home Alone phase. She's putting on Brooks' aftershave. Oh, look. Brooks left his essence.

Let me try it on. Oh, some burglars were trying to get into my new kitchen, but I sure showed them. They tripped over a string. They brought down a boulder. I dropped a Caliente sign on the other one. If you're wondering what happened to the Caliente sign, it's part of my new home security.

Hey, do you mind if I bring Gina? I need her as a human shield in case Tamara's drinking wine. I don't want to get a stained dress while I'm trying to find a man. I'm alone. You know what Gina's like? Gina's like the booze from um super mario brothers you know those ghosts then when you look at them they just sort of stand there and look at you back but when you turn around their face turns evil and they chase you that's what gina does they're

always behind you until you look at them they turn around and they're just like still that's what gina is and then she accepts and heather up the phone and she goes, why was that so awkward? As like 10 Meyer lemon trees are being loaded in behind it. She's like building a tree house for Colette in the top with a lock on the outside. Make sure that Meyer lemon tree is perfectly centered in the square box. Why was that so awkward? Why don't they call this an hour lemon tree? Because they're my and your.

Get it? Colette's like, fuck you, mom. I'm going to draw a painting of this Meyer lemon tree and put it on the wall. This time Terry won't be able to say anything about it. I wrote down something about this Legend of Tarzan movie coming out I don't know why but I think it's because on Bravo this week someone got called a stupid Tarzan

bitch oh that's in Southern Charm Catherine you stupid Tarzan bitch I was like oh my god Legend of Tarzan the guy's so hot he's so hot why is it though that every time I see the commercial I feel like I'm a racist I don't know why I feel like there's something racially wrong i don't know what it is because you're mad about the race of tarzan like since when is tarzan a blonde haired blue-eyed german

dude or swiss or whatever the hell he is i don't know there's just something i'm sure the think pieces will be rolling through soon enough but i'm like i don't know what's wrong with this situation but i feel like there's something wrong you know it's like it's like that 30 rock when when alec baldwin feels strange about calling puerto ricans puerto ricans he's like am i racist for saying puerto rican like am i racist for watching this tarzan commercial i feel like something's wrong that movie is racist white ass tarzan i'm sure anyway i know know I don't know um so uh then Tarzana Tarzana the legend of Tarzana it's like some white guy swinging well the reason why Tarzana is called Tarzana so they say is because the creator of Tarzana is from that area oh really there's a plaque there is a plaque in

front oh my god there's a plaque in front of the Chipotle on the part of Tarzana. I've seen it with my own eyes. I love California. Can we please visit one day Price's Ride Up? Oh my goodness. But it's true. There's a plaque that commemorates Tarzana. And it's in front of like the

whole foods chipotle complex oh good food poisoning and just down the street from dr sandwich so you think i'm lying megan's in there i just want to get my fertility treatments and some shawarma. So, we're loopy. I know. I was like, it's funny because I actually thought this premiere was like fine. I thought it was like a standard like just getting the season thing. But now that we're like in it, I'm like cracking up.

So, Shannon's now getting a treatment. She's getting all sorts of stuff on her face with Tamra. And this is when I think this is when Shannon does that thing again where she says, Two years ago, would I have ever thought I'd be best friends with Tamra Judge? No.

No? Would Shannon Bedore be friends with Tamra Judge two years ago? No? No? Am I excited? No?

No? The difference between Tamra Judge and Vicky Liarface is a fake cancer scam. No one who fakes a disease will ever be friends with me again. Oh, by the way, would you check to see if I have a phantom piece of something up my butt hole? Thank you. This is the queen of the fake diseases. So, of course, you get most angry at your own faults in a buzz, don't you? Exactly.

Deep, eh? Well, I know that Shannon is talking, saying that she's never going to be friends with Vicky again. But I heard from good authority that it takes approximately 4.35 months to get over a problem with your friendship. So don't you worry, Shannon. You'll be good soon enough. Anything you hear in a Marriott ballroom conference center is truth. So stick with that.

So yeah, this was basically a scene where they were talking about what's Shannon going to do if Vicky's at Heather's party, and how's she going to say? And that's when Shannon, that's actually when Shannon said, am I excited? No. No. Well, you know, it's a wax. A wax hurts.

Do you know why? Because beauty hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. Oh, God. It's like David's infidelity. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It's like David's infidelity. It hurts for exactly two years. Oh, that infidelity that I've totally let go of.

Don't think about it anymore. Not at all. Infidelity cheat. Hold on one second. Someone talked to me about getting stuff put up your butt because I'm on the verge of having my 13th negative thought and I don't want to go there. They say if you get to 14 negative thoughts, you're not over it. So now we go over to Kelly's house for a very disturbing family scene. Her hot brother is, I mean, I think he's hot. I do him. Her hot brother's over. The cute kid's there.

Her old ass husband is there. I mean, another one who married an old ass man for his money and then says super stupid things like the most important thing in life it's not our houses or our cars it's our family now look at my diamond encrusted bar you know beer handle that i bought from fucking an old guy years ago yeah Yeah, this whole thing felt to me like a poorly cast sitcom from the 90s. You know, like it had all the roles that you expect, a kooky grandma,

sort of a more stern grandpa, but the grandpa is really the husband and the husband's really the brother. Everything was sort of like messed up. Yeah, they were cooking and the kid was making a salad. Everything was sort of like messed up. Yeah, they were cooking and the kid was making a salad. They were saying, what part do you want to do, kid? Or Jolie.

Jolie. And she said, I want to toss a salad. And then they all start cracking up because she keeps saying toss a salad. And was it the husband who said, yeah, well, your mom's really good at that. And I was like, oh God. And at that point, I still thought that was her dad. And I was like, ooh, this is awkward.

But then the whole thing, I was just like, this is really juvenile. I mean, and on top of that, like, laughing about tossing the salad, it's not like, I don't know, it's just not, to me, it's not that crazy. Maybe it's worse like a smirk. I mean, look, I know getting on people because of their looks, but this girl looks like a funhouse face. She just has a crazy face, and just imagining this younger girl eating

out that old man's butt, I can't with her. I'm done with her already. Well, actually, I think that he I think he's like a dilf. I think he's I think he's like a hot older man, to be honest. It's not even that. It's just that he's just, like, I just don't want to think of some, like, I don't want to think of any, I don older man to be honest It's not even that It's just that he's just like I just don't want to think of some

I don't want to think of any I don't want to think of that All I see is her face is old man ass now That's all I see Here let me erase that image And instead replace it with that of Kelly's Arizona mom Because that mom was so Arizona Like do you remember

When they went to Lake Havasu on this show and Vicky's friend from Phoenix showed up and was like, whoa, this is like the second coming of that lady. She had some low-level hair fangs going on, which was part of a bad wig, over a bad tan. It was just so... Her eyes half closed. She kind of has this like she feels like

a Mrs. Roper like a weird thing like Tempe's answer to Mrs. Roper so and I sort of like loved her for that by the way but I was just like she's very Arizona sorry Arizona people who are listening but that's

what I think people perceive of Arizona she is standing what was I going to say Sorry, Arizona people who are listening, but that's what I think people perceive of Arizona. She is standing. What was I going to say about the mom? Oh, it was disturbing because first you get to toss the salad thing. Then the little kid who's so sweet. I mean, this kid's like one of the cutest on Bravo.

She's really cute. And she's saying she wants to take dance and the mom won't let her. She's like, we're trying to keep you off the pole. She's like, not pole dancing, mom. I'm like, great. So you won't let your kid exercise. And then the kid's getting bullied. And the mom and the grandma are like, listen, you have to be really mean back to mean people. That's how life works.

You just have to be mean back to the bully. And then she goes, yeah, I just want to teach her to be a really responsible good adult awesome she's gonna be eating out old men beating up people and fucking making tossing salad jokes sounds great yeah meanwhile i mean it's not that this girl not she's not letting this girl exercise she just she wants to make jolie play tennis And Jolie's like, I don't want to play tennis I want to dance Poor Jolie, she's clearly Like a drama club girl She put her in Brigadoon

For crying out loud That's where her heart is It's not out on the courts Get thee to a cat What are you doing? She's getting bullied in school Don't put her on a sports team Where she'll get made fun of even more.

I know because I was JV senior year in my tennis class. I didn't even get the sympathy varsity letter. You know when you're a senior in my school, they would put you on varsity to be nice. Like, well, you're not good, but we'll give you your varsity letter because you're a senior. But no. But with tennis, there's only're not good, but we'll give you your varsity letter because you're a senior. But no, tennis, there's only so many people that the tennis courts can accommodate, and they could not accommodate

my crappy tennis playing ass. So I was JV until I was a senior, okay? Don't follow in my footsteps, Jolie. Tennis is one sport where you'll say love a lot, but you'll never feel it. So say deuces to it. She belongs on the stage where she can let her spirit go free.

So next up is Oric K. Barr, just like being best friends with all the gay guys, because you know that's coming. I'm sorry, but you know it's true. Yeah. I just want to say also that Kelly is, I'm not really even trying to make a pun here, but she is so thirsty that she has a bar on every floor of her house. And to me, that's like

trying too hard to be like the, like, Hey, I'm the fun party girl who makes funny puns and says outrageous things. And it's like down sexual humor, like tossing the salad. I'm hilarious. And I've got a bar and every four aren't i fabulous i'm like no you're you just sort of seem sad yeah i think that the facial mutilation just gets to be too much it's like we're so used to seeing it it's like going to the beach and your best friends are just sitting around with cuts all over their thighs and you're like what pretty cuts no it's mutilation they hate themselves okay like let's stop

encouraging each other to chop our faces off I don't know like let's encourage each other to respect each other's faces our own faces that's a really wonderful transition because coming up it's Heather's yacht party and Gina Keough

makes her first appearance of the season as Vicky's plus one. And Gina comes in and her face has been refreshed. And something's going on with her face. And it's not just the yellow makeup that she has caked all over it. Oh, bless her heart. Poor Gina. Talk about thirsty. Gina goes, well, I'm happy my i got a boyfriend back

like well there's how to base your entire existence yeah right base your whole life on you know and i know i'm and you know i think we all love gina i think we always will love gina for all eternity you know? But she is kind of hilarious. And, you know, Vicky of course starts talking about her friendship with Gina. It's ups and downs. And she's like, well, you know, it's not always going to be perfect. I'm like, there you go again.

But Gina will have my back. You know this, Vicky? Vicky does this every time. She's really mean, cuts people off. She's an awful human being. And then she's desperate for friends. It's like, look, how'd Gina? Oh, we're always friends. Oh, until you totally fucked her over and pretended like she was a piece of shit

for years. You're horrible. To be fair, Gina is the queen of passive-aggressive undermining. So, I mean, they're both at fault, because, I mean, that's how Gina operates. And, I mean, they're both at fault because, I mean, that's how Gina operates. And, I mean, that's what I love about her.

But Gina loves an underdog. So it makes, you know, it's totally unsurprising to me that she's back with Vicky. Gina likes many kinds of dogs. On buns. On sticks. Gina, she goes, yeah, well, I've been working out i was like girl the only thing stretching in this room is your dress oh you've been working out get out of here that's so ridiculous i've been working out who cares why are you even bringing it up you haven't been working

out shut up no she had you they you saw in the flashback of from like 2008 like gina definitely has lost weight for sure uh just stop talking about your weight like please just stop it both of you stop it all gina has said is i'm working out and i got a man like a sad sad gina um you know uh uh brandon and um craig loved you know they're like friends with her and they just they say that she is fabulous and the best thing ever. Maybe we can have her come on the show because I would love to have Gina on the show. I bet she would tell us everything.

Well, I'm always more to find to ask people on this show because of all the shit I say. I'm too mean. Like what if someone clips anything I just said to Gina? She'd be like, fuck you. It's nothing compared to what her own son has told her, so don't worry about it. Well, that's true. So next up,

Sherman and David. I know I was a good friend of Vicky. She's no victim. And David, David, they're in the limo on the way to the party, and David's like, I'm gonna check her hands for nails, dear. Just like Jesus. Like, oh, no. David's gonna be a little husband bitch now?

Oh, no. She's like, that's funny, because I going to say I was going to check your feces for beef stew, which you never ate, did you? Did you, David? David? David? Speaking of checking for nails, would you look up my anal canal and make sure there's not one? I swear I feel an entire screwdriver up there, David. Both kinds of nails. I think I sat on a Lee Presson nail by accident and inhaled a little bit too intensely.

And, well, you know, David, I think you need to go back up in there. A Libreson nail. I love a reference to a Libreson nail. I was trying to feminize Stella a little bit, get her out of that jacket, and, well, you know. I don't know if there's a nail up my butt or if it's that you didn't hug me after I made beef stew. Oh, sorry, dear. Didn't hug me after I made beef stew. Oh, sorry, dear.

So we get the arrivals of the party, the boat party arrivals. This is like some scary drag queen Gretchen's. Every one of these, I was like, is that Gretchen? Wait, is that Gretchen? And then they show another Gretchen. She's like, hi, Heather. Thanks for inviting me. Oh, Orange County. Good Lord. I know. And Heather says the same thing to every one of them. You look gorgeous. thanks for inviting me no Orange County good lord

and Heather says the same thing to every one of them you look gorgeous you look gorgeous you look gorgeous you look like Reba McEntire when I was on Malibu Country gorgeous what was I going to say this is another stolen music moment

I don't know why I was noticing all of this but this is that romance music they use at the, like, it's in so many movies, like, beautiful, it's like violins, like, I don't remember what it is now, but they're stealing a lot of music this

year, which is odd. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, there's, like, someone's mixing up some of Alan Lazar's music playlists. Because, also, even on Shaz, when they landed in Belizeize as the plane came in they were playing like beverly hills yeah uh welcome to lisa vanderpump's house you know but the violins were like yeah but the violence like and i was like why are they playing the music as this like shitty plane lands in the field in belize this is like a scene out of the

opening of jurassic park 3 i'm expecting that mega dinosaur to come bursting through the trees right now what kind of deal did they sign with him that they can just use his music for anything and everything now don't they know that alan hasard's music is tailored specifically to each show and you cannot cross-purpose it you can't play gretchen is steaming mad for every goddamn scene called gretchen is steaming mad for a reason um speaking of steaming mad one of the great traditions or recent traditions of a Real Housewives of Orange

County season premiere is that at some point in that first hour we get the sublime experience of watching Shannon Bedore look at the new hot woman in town and get angry yes her I hate this bitch face is great every single year look at the new hot woman in town and get angry. Yes. Her I hate this bitch face is great every single year.

Yeah, she always hates the young girl, and she really hates this one. I mean, she's even ruder to this one than she was to Megan, and that's saying something. Well, because every year her entitlement grows, you know, because now this is her third year, and so now she really feels like she is, you know, she's not the newbie anymore. So she's like who is this david i know who's she called oh david oh

it was beautiful watching shannon just boiling at this new girl this new girl is so oc i don't even care where she's from you know an oc bitch when they're like oh hey we met at mastro's and they were i think they were mentioning Lynn Curtin, too. That's the funny part. She was like, yeah, I think I know you through Lynn. Her daughter's doing such great work these days. I mean, the way she can take it from both ends like that without even breaking her sweat. Pretty amazing.

She was foreclosed on with such grace. I just hope that's what happens to me someday. Some people spit out ping pong balls with such grace. I just hope that's what happens to me someday. Some people spit out ping pong balls with their vagina. That girl can play darts. I mean, she's really good. She did it on the top floor of Mastro's. Amazing. And Shanna's giving her a dirty look

and then Kelly is meeting Tamara who Tamara also doesn't. Tamara's also like, oh, hello, Batch. But then Kelly is like, oh, you're really fit, right? Maybe, look, I'm fit too. Look, I can get my tit into your mouth. Well, she says, well, she says, oh, you said you're into fitness? Well, babe, try fitness in your mouth.

Oh, God. And then she goes, right after a hateful look from Shannon, then she goes, hey, I want to drink. I want to get MC Hammered. And then Shannon goes, that's funny. And then Shannon tells us, the number one rule when you meet somebody new, to say something kind, which she did not do. Well, you were meeting her and you didn't say something kind, which she did not do. Well, you were meeting her and you didn't say anything kind.

You just gave dirty looks at your awkward little girl, like, baptism red lace dress. Like, what the hell? Shannon's just mad because she was about to say to the bartender, I'll have a vanilla ice, please. Oh, she took my early 90s rapper pun.

I would love an ice, ice IVF baby, please. Thank you. Please be sure to add some salt and pepper to that. Oh, she already made the MC Hammer joke. Okay. May I please have a sip of 50 Cent? Wait a second. That didn't work.

Damn these young people. You know, Tamara, ever since your baptism, I've been thinking that we really have to pray just to make it today. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less.

In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex

collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Shut up.

Shut up, Shannon. Kelly already made a good joke. By the way, that stupid fitness in your mouth joke was just a sort of stupid trashy joke to win over Tamara. Tamara's like, wait, she's a fun bitch. I like her.

Tamara's so funny. I don't even care if Vicky faked cancer, okay? She can take that up with a guy upstairs. Oh, good. All right, Tamara. Is Don upstairs? Oh, yeah. Well, Don's still living upstairs on the roof.

And you know Mom's in the wall. Hopefully Brianna will have a heart attack this year. I need something in the basement. Billy's in the den, you know. Well, Brianna's moving in, so none of the couches are white. I put Ryan in an ottoman. I got little footies for Ryan. Ryan being in an ottoman and having people put their feet up on him for eternity is the best karma ever.

Yeah, it'll be... Remember that old milk commercial where the guy thinks he's in heaven? He gets run over. He's like an asshole. He gets run over. And then he's in this beautiful room. run over. He's like an asshole. He gets run over. And then he's like in this beautiful room. And he thinks it's heaven. And there's all these cookies.

He starts eating them. And then all the milk containers are empty. And he's like, no. And it turns out he's in hell. That's what Ryan's going to be like. He's going to be in this beautiful room. And everyone's just going to keep putting their feet up on the ottoman. No, it's not heaven after all.

Sorry, that was a long way to go for a really stupid joke. It was a fun one, though. Worth it. It was worth the trip. It's always worth the trip, okay? It was like a road trip from Oklahoma. Oklahoma to OC. Okay, so the most obnoxious.

Talk about the long way around what you're doing, Heather. Jesus. I'd like to make a toast. Wait, before that. Before that, I'm'm sorry we have to mention that when vicky and gina arrive they arrive at this party and all the stairs or whatever and um i skipped a bunch sorry it's not a bunch just a little thing but basically kelly kelly actually starts talking to vicky and they're just like chatting and they're and you know i think

vicky would normally hate kelly but vicky has no friends so she's just like oh yeah you know kelly i'll speak to her she sort of looks like a has no friends, so she's just like, oh, yeah, you know Kelly, I'll speak to her. She sort of looks like a balloon. Also, she can't tell if she's young, which is hilarious because this woman has had so much done to her face. You honestly, I can't even tell how old she is. I actually don't think her face looks that crazy. I think there are crazier faces. You've officially watched too much Bravo.

There are crazier faces out there, I think. Yes, there are. There are. It's just crazy. Like, it's still crazy. She just has crazy eyes. Yeah. I mean, she's sort of crazy, but she's sort of like standard Bravo middle-aged woman crazy.

I just can't tell how old she is until I see her arm flap. Like, how the skin hangs. That's the only way I can tell. Like, I'm learning with myself. Like, you see how it ages year after year. Anyway, she is... I can't tell how old she is, and neither can Vicky, because this girl, Kelly, is like, oh, yeah, we know each other. Because didn't we meet in the waiting room of the plastic surgeon? Oh, I love fillers.

The esthetician. They go to the same esthetician. I love fillers, and I love Botox. And Vicky's like, oh, me too. And then she goes, how old are you? And she goes, I'm 55. And Vicky goes, oh, you're close to my age. And she goes, I'm not really 55.

I was saying that so that you would say I look really good. And she's like, well, what do I know? I mean, wow, 55. I'm not perfect, you know. Our relationship isn't perfect, but you know. But I was with Vicky because I would believe if this woman told me she's 35 and I would believe her if she told me she was 55 i have no idea i can't tell i can't tell either all i know is that she's a jackalanna with boobs phyllis ageless well what was great

though is that then um uh then shannon um oh yeah so kelly i, sorry, Megan winds up sitting down next to Shannon, like sort of in this cocktail hour thing. And so Shannon, of course, who hates Vicky now, she leans into Megan and goes, oh, she's glomming onto your friends. It's like, ooh, it's like classic Shannon undermining. I love it. Shannon was doing nothing but sitting there giving Vicky dirty looks, talking about her, where she could hear her. Like, she's talking to David, talking shit about Vicky, and Vicky

was pretty good about just not slugging her, because normally Vicky would stand up and start screaming at her. And she played it nice and stuff. And she's like, who could be so mean and vicious and awful? Like, who would do that? And they're sitting there talking. And then it gets to Megan.

And Megan's telling Crazy Face. Yeah. So I see you're talking to Vicky. Yes. Well, I don't want to judge people. I think she's a very lovely lady, which is basically colorful. She seems lovely and nice. And Megan says, keyword, there are scenes.

Be careful. She could be using you. Using her? What did she use you for? She's like, she uses people. Remember when she used me? She never used you to do shit. What did she ask you to call all those doctors and ask for Xeroxes of

cancer things? What are you talking about, Megan? Meet somebody for your own reasons. Don't be making up shit exactly and and honestly like if i remember correctly if megan and all them hadn't started prying around brooks's cancer thing so much this all this whole big kerfuffle wouldn't have happened i mean yes it's not good that brooks was scamming them or whatever but i don't i could be totally wrong because it was a while ago but i don't seem to really really remember vicky forcing this issue on them like you have to do this you have to do that i mean i'm i know she was sort of like in the conversations but you know i retract

i retracted i retracted all i retracted all because vicky is so guilty like you vicky is so so wrong and guilty and they have enough to hate her on I mean even Shannon being like I will not like that I get but Megan being like oh she'll use you I don't think that's the subject lady yeah that's what I'm saying is that like Vicky abused them abused the situation took advantage of the situation

for sympathy etc but she didn't actually use them to like do something you know what I don't know what I'm saying she used us by trying to get us to give her money through club detox because of fake shit. I just don't get why that has to do with Megan. Megan's too much. She needs somebody else to focus

her hatred on because no season is a good season without a season-long mystery. Justice! So let's see. So now we get to the speech, right? Yes. Okay. I let's see. So now we get to the speech, right? Yes. Okay.

I have a toast. Harry. Harry. We got a wake up call. Terry had a stress echo. He almost had a bypass. And an angiogram. And it was a false positive.

Just like Brooks. But Brooks was a false false. And Terry was a false false. You understand the difference, right? Vicky's like, you awful woman. She's like, and that was my audition for Hamilton. Thankfully, we've installed an urgent care center in Colette's wing. Since she's moved out to the treehouse in the Meyer Lemon Tree.

The treehouse is actually made from wood gathered from other Meyer Lemon Trees. Oh god, this show is so nuts. So then Vicky ultimately well, Shannon's still shooting these eyes at Vicky and David's making snarky comments and etc. etc. And so then Vicky and David's making snarky comments and et cetera, et cetera. And so then Vicky gets up and pulls Heather aside and gives, what I actually thought was a pretty good apology, considering, you know, hey, no one's perfect, okay? Hey, I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

But she basically said, I probably handled things incorrectly. I just didn't want to hear what you guys had to say because I was trying to hold on to something that was slipping through my fingers, which I think was actually, I think that's, you know, what else could they want from her? I mean, that's what was happening. We all said it. We all knew it. And isn't that basically, like, they showed a coming up this season and Heather's like, all I wanted Vicky to say was that she was in a bad situation. She let it get out of control and now she could and then she couldn't help it and she's wrong and she's sorry i'm like uh that's almost literally

what she just said yeah because i mean and the thing is this i mean say what you will i mean i i am i'm not of the camp that that vicky really was actively trying to perpetuate a scam i think that i think she was turning a blind eye towards the situation and i think that's what it was she knew it was all going to hell and she did get in too deep and she was just trying to look the other way and didn't want to hear it and uh no i think she was totally yeah we've always disagreed there i think she was totally doing it on her i think she probably even gave him the damn idea because Vicky is the one who was trying to profit off of it. But he has a history of faking

cancer, so I actually don't think she gave him the idea. Which she knew from online blogs. So I think she was like, well, you had cancer, you know, use that. The girls will be nice to you. Because Vicky thinks like that. She doesn't not necessarily, I mean, we would consider it evil. It's like a horrible thing to do. But in Vicky's brain space, I don't think she thought it was horrible.

I think she just figured you've had cancer. You could still have it. It goes into remission and then it could still be there lurking in the wild like, ah! So who knows? You could still have it. Just say that and then they'll be nice to you. I just don't think she's savvy enough for that. I think if she's savvy enough to do that, then she'd also be savvy enough to pull back and get out of the situation. get in she got she probably she didn't i think vicky does not like going back on not going back

on her word but once she starts defending a certain thing she doesn't like to back off and i think she just got in over her head i think that's what it is i don't i just don't think it was i really don't think it was an active thing um and this whole club detox thing i feel like it's all brooks i feel like brooks is probably the one who wanted to get on board with this and she still has her name attached to it because she probably has a contractor who knows what i don't know but i really i really think brooks is more of the problem and vicky just got herself into a big old mess oh no that one is awful like i just wouldn't put anything past her because all she does is get mad because people talk about things on camera she's always trying to control what everybody says and how the story is

going and you know she makes up all kinds of stuff like even with Brianna she'll be like I never said that Brianna I never said that Brianna don't do that Brianna don't do this Brianna she's like what you said that she was a c-word or you know Brianna's like outing everything that Vicky's really

doing or when they were showing her talking to Brianna. And then Vicky's like, I'm not talking about this. And then she goes inside not realizing they're still recording her. And she's like, God damn it, Brianna, I told you. God bless. God bless her. And she just keeps lying. I didn't buy Brianna a car just because she kept her mouth shut.

And it's like she totally did. Brianna's like, well, she told me she'd buy me a car if I shut my mouth. She's just like always lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. I know. I know. But still love her. Still love her. Yeah.

All right. So what should we go on to next? Let's do the next biggie. Let's do a little Southern Sham. Oh, wow. All right. Let's do a little Southern Sham. Oh, wow. All right. Let's go right into the Southern Charm season finale. This show, I was just telling my neighbor yesterday before I watched Southern Charm,

I was like, I'm about to watch Southern Charm. And he said, is it good? And I said, I don't know why I like it, because nothing really happens most of the time on this show. But I still really like it. I find it because nothing really happens most of the time on this show but I still really like it I find it very enjoyable then I come in and watch it and I was cheering and laughing so loud because so much was happening in the show

I mean Southern Charm is a slow burn we've discussed it many times but I think one of the joys of the show is that it sort of builds on itself the way that maybe other shows don't always. Like a lot of times with these shows,

there's so much chaos, and then in between seasons, a reset button is kind of hit, and fights are suddenly resolved, and there's sort of like new stories for the season. And I kind of think that Southern Charm just kind of keeps adding layers onto what's already there,

and it kind of gets richer and richer, no pun intended, every single season. And I think there is something a little bit more relatable about it. I think the people seem more – there's some really relatable people in there, and then you've got some crazies too. You've got a world that keeps getting bigger and bigger, and there's a lot of money. I don't know. It sort of just works in a way that the other shows don't yeah i can't really pinpoint it um so eloquent eloquently but god damn i just love it it cracks me up and i love this i still love cameron opening up every show but now not only does she get to narrate what's happened

like last week on southern charm now she's just blatantly slamming people during the opening and it's so hilarious like previously on southern charm tom and then it clips to thomas saying well katherine here's to katherine being a wonderful mother and then cameron going okay if you say so also, she has a shitty clip to say about somebody. When Thomas is like, well, here's to Cameron for being like my sister. A sanctimonious bitch

or whatever he said. And then she goes, sanctimonious? If that's what you call not having a baby for just part ownership of a shitty bridge, then guilty as charged. Also, ripping everybody to shreds. It's like the director's commentary.

Echoes in the dark streets. So this was so good. They open it like a horror movie and they just show fast clips like a horror show. And it's just like echoes in the street of Thomas like, you're a pussy yeah as their as their golf cart like nearly veers into the subaru outback as it's trying to flee the scene um thomas kicking everyone out barfing on the back of the cart because you can't hear such language

yeah and then thomas eventually comes back into his parlor and JD just, JD sums everything up. But the biggest understatement of all goes, I think everything has gotten very volatile. You think, JD? Things seem to have become unsettled. And Cooper's like, you're a ravenal man. Rise to that civilization. You don't yell at people, man. You sell cocaine.

Can't treat customers like that. And then Thomas, they're reptiles. Do reptiles have vertebrae? They don't have spines. Do snakes have spines? I'll tell you who has a spine. The Ravenels of South Carolina. You're so hot, Thomas.

So hot. Treat me like a servant, Thomas. I're so hot, Thomas. So hot. Treat me like a servant, Thomas. I want to be a servant. This is cutting in between Thomas' house and then whoever's house they go to the rest of the Greek coast

to someone else's house. Landon's house. I can order a pizza. And then all Shep can think is, wow, that was rough. Can you imagine all that food that's being wasted? Gosh. Yeah, Suzanne is probably somewhere being just furiously pulling out the Tupperware.

She's like, I know there's a catering emergency somewhere in this town. She just shows up. Someone puts up the bat signal for Suzanne. I brought hot cold bags. Just an image of a fork in the sky. She's like, I'll be right there. That was probably her in the Subaru. She's like, I brought all the Tupperware. We're going to save the food. Bring it to Shep.

So someone was saying, why didn't you fight back with Thomas? And Shep goes, I didn't fight back because of dry cleaning. Like, I don't want to have to dry clean my camping vest. Don't turn him into Reza. Don't turn him into Reza. Maybe it's because we were going to be doing shawls in this spot. Gosh. That's so Persian to worry about dry cleaning.

Gosh. I don't want to have to dry clean my camping vest. Mike. Gosh. But yeah, no. I don't want to have to dry clean my camping vest. Mike! Gosh! But yeah, no, Chef is like, he's like, honestly, I just didn't want to do dry cleaning. It's important for me to make sure all my shirts are rumpled.

And then JD back cut to the other house and JD's like, Thomas is seeing red! I'm actually wearing a blue jacket right now. And then Catherine's like, nobody wants to hear the truth. It's an age-old story.

Tennessee Williams wrote about it. Like, for real, says the resident Blanche Dubois. No kidding. And what is she referring to? I dare you to name what you're referring to catholic tennessee williams wrote about it and then cut to cameron the or landon where cameron landon i don't know what you're gonna say cameron say the quote and i'll tell you who it was um no it's catherine she's like well guys i'm sorry but

landon's a bitch i'm sorry if you don't want to hear about it. She's a bitch that sounds like a dolphin. Um. And then Shep. I love how the guys on this show are always just like, well, it's okay. Who cares at the end of the day? I forgive Thomas. He's just impulsive.

He still has the best coke. Landon's like, but Catherine's a bitch. But Shep had actually the best read of them all because he was basically like, well, with Landon, she never does anything wrong, which is a lot more like Thomas and Catherine than she wants to admit. I was like, ooh, Shep, you totally got that right. There are three peas in a pod. Gosh. Gosh, I love pea pods. I like pods that are bigger than just two peas. That's never made sense to me. Gosh. Gosh, I love pea pods. I like pods that are bigger than just

two peas. That's never made sense to me. Gosh. I want to be the only pea in my pod. I hate when other peas are there. It gets too serious. Gosh. And he tells Landon off. You know, Shep very rarely yells at anybody. He yelled at Craig when Craig got the young Pusese

at the last finale. And now he's yelling at Landon and saying, you're the one who started it. You're supposed to take the high road. Okay? Catherine has a bridge. Get higher than the bridge, Landon. And she's like, I want to take the high road. I mean, the bumpy road, too.

And, yeah, then we also got to see the caterers, by the way, and they looked terrified. This is why Suzanne really needed to be there, because she understands these people. But these caterers had no idea what they were getting into. Do we get to leave or do we have to just stand here and listen to this? Like, we'll pack this shit up. And then once everyone does leave, Thomas is now horny from getting into a fight. And he basically wants Catherine to stay over and, you know, so that they can have sex. Yeah, and of course she does.

She's like, Thomas, we're a family now. I want you to tell, you need to tell, you need to tell Landon, thanks for telling Landon she can't disrespect me. This is it. I'm driving, I'm drawing a line in the sand tommy and then she tells us she's trying to make a monkey monkey branch land in she's like fucking tarzan bitch just swinging from branch to branch erm you know like that tennessee williams play tarzan's menagerie um by the way i want to tell the people that on tell the people i'm talking like thomas

ravenel now but uh when ronnie came over last week um to watch real house of new york at my place and when ronnie showed up at my door there was an amazon prime package that ronnie gave me and i felt like we were in southern charm well i didn't pay your bill otherwise i would have expected to be able to spend the night over there and impregnate you and then pretend like that wasn't my baby except on weekends yeah so then meanwhile uh the next day or whenever uh cra by JD's office and JD is looking like as southern as possible little bow tie and his little southern yeehaw

he was so southern and Craig's like yeah I'm going through some weird stuff right now and like I kind of feel like I want to be an attorney again and like I got to study for the bar like you know because like Shep's opening up a new bar and I want to make sure I know everything about it so I've just been thinking like you have a like drink that goes in a bar and then every time

I'm here I'm like whoa like I could either be in a bar or like I could take a bar you know what I mean like I was taking a shower and I was using a soap in the shape of a bar. And I was like, what am I doing? You know what I mean? And then, like, Naomi's going to a class called Bar. And I was like, wow. You can actually take classes for the bar. And I'm like, I don't know.

Like, so. Also, what's the difference between a hotel and a motel? I don't know. Like, so, also, what's the difference between a hotel and a motel? I don't know. I really like watching TV, but I was watching Roseanne Barr the other day, and I was like, whoa, I can't even concentrate on that. Boy, are you going to quit or not? Some of us have jobs to do.

Well, I'd like to, but I heard that a rabbi and a priest walked into a bar, and I really want to know what happened. They both bought ginger and ginger. That's what happened, boy. Now get the fuck out of my tent office. JD never looked so happy to get rid of Craig. He was like, to be honest, it's a relief. I love how he says this to Craig. He goes, I'm not here. JD's not here to hold Craig back.

Just to take his money. Your heart's not in it, boy. Go. Be well and prosper. No refunds. Bye, boy. And then Craig stands up and JD's like, oh, watch the chandelier. and prosper. No refunds. Bye, boy! And then Craig stands up and he's like,

Oh, watch the chandelier. Watch your head with the chandelier. How many times do I have to tell you, boy? Could you reshape that tent cloth back up on the ceiling, boy? Before you go. I'm calling my vice president of chandelier fixing. Danny, get in here! Danny's like, I did not want to come back into the chandelier fixing. Danny, get in here. Danny's like,

I did not want to come back into the chandelier fixing business, but here I am. So Cameron goes to the therapist. Cameron's kid, when she has one, is going to really love watching all of this back.

Talk about my mom didn't want me jesus yeah cameron's whole thing is that she was making a list of pros and cons about having a baby and when she was doing it her husband walked in was like hey what are you doing she told him and uh and then she was like well what do you think about like if we what would our lives be like if we had kids and what would our lives be like if we didn't have kids and the husband's like well if we had kids our lives would be meaningful and rich and wonderful and full of joy and happiness and and a little busier too but overall really amazing if we didn't have kids it'd be really shitty and lonely and sad and simple and basically I'd kill And Bess said, kill myself. And she's like, oh, and I realize it really means a lot to him. And my list was, if we had a baby, want to smother, want to kill, stick in oven.

The therapist is like, you know, I think this is all about control. Because you feel like you need to have control. And this is the South. So you need to give up any semblance of control and prove that you can do what your husband wants, okay? Thanks for coming in. Jesus Christ, feminism. I know.

And by the way, I felt bad, because there are a lot of people who don't have kids, and their lives are not shitty or simple or lonely, you know? And there are a lot of people who have kids, and their lives are not meaningful. I mean, life is simple and shitty and lonely, but that's not because of a lack of children i don't think i think it's mostly because of other life choices i've made you know what i think that cameron shouldn't be

shouldn't be guilted into having a baby and likewise um this guy he really wants to start a family and he shouldn't be deprived of that and this is like a big deal that they should have talked about before they got married well you know i have a feeling this is just a camera storyline yeah i think that girl wants a baby you know she does that girl has like please impregnate me written all over her forehead it's all she can think about yeah well i i agree i'm just saying theoretically i mean it's something you should sort of get squared away before yeah do those exchange those vows well that husband's putting up with a lot of shit he's something you should sort of get squared away before you do those, exchange those vows. Well, that husband's putting up with a lot of shit.

He's like, you want to keep your TV show? You better pop out a baby. Yeah, exactly. And the kid's not going to be on the TV show either, so don't even pull out a pin right now because he's not signing a contract. You know that the producers are going to be a he. He'll be a he. We will support until it's a he. Do you understand me so um then uh shep and landon walk into his new bar which has a sign in the window

that says touch of class which i thought you'd i know you love signs and and the omens that they that they that they present but um they walk into shep's new dive bar and um it's time for another awkward conversation between these two would-be lovebirds oh god landon you're making me uncomfortable at this point landon's like is that glitter on the ceiling and then shep is just trying to harmonize with you sorry we're like destiny's mild i'm sorry red it's like bills bills bills yeah just trying to get a man to pay my bill it's like the opposite of what they stood for i'm already apologizing to people of reddit for because there'll be a lot more land

landon giggling to come i'm sorry you know what here's the thing the reason why we go on and on with our impersonations is we kind of can't help it yeah and it's landed she literally does that in every sentence it's so much because she's people who smile and laugh that much are crazy and she's really proving it this season. Yeah. And by the way, I just want to say, good for Landon. You know, last season when she came on, she was sort of like this periphery new character, and I didn't really understand her place in the Southern Charm universe, except that she sort of giggled and was nice. So who would have ever thought that she would sort of sidle up to the drama and wind up in the center of it? Well, it's because there's like someone who's like her in a way, but she can never admit because Catherine is nuts.

I don't to the normal eye. They have nothing in common, but they are both looking for a rich man. Like all they care about is getting a rich man to take care of them. That's the only thing that will give them worth in life. It's so fucking sad. And they both do it. And they're in this battle to find somebody to marry them. But no one will marry them because they're both crazy and obviously just out for money.

Yeah. So Landon's sitting there with Shep. And he's like, gosh, well, I was thinking a lot about our last conversation. And I think we made a mature decision to be friends. Yeah. Womp, womp, womp. And he does the old, well, I think you deserve more. And she's like, what does that mean?

He's like, well, you know, I'm just like the good time guy. And Landon goes, well, that's what i'm worried about i don't want you to just be like thomas and then be like 50 and then be like oh i have to have a baby with somebody just because i'm 50 now i'm like well you also tried to fuck him for his money yeah so you're kind of on a really sad path, Landon. If anything is being illustrated, it's that you need to get a goddamn job. Yeah. You're good. Yeah, she really does. And poor Landon.

In the season finale, they like to wrap things up. I mean, they wrapped up the story of Craig with JD and studying for the bar. They wrapped up Cameron and her baby thing. They didn't even bother with her website. They're they're like yeah this shit's never getting off the ground it's like 404 error this was sad because she's really trying to talk him into it and he's not having it but he doesn't flat out say look we're better as friends this is never gonna happen he just says well i don't want to hurt her feelings.

Thanks for the compliment, Landon. And he goes, now let's get cracking on our day. Gosh. And she's like, like she's all in love. Like he just said something really romantic. I kind of feel bad for her. Part of me feels like she's sort of had feelings from at one point. And I feel like the producers have been in her ear and resurrecting those feelings and like bring it to a point where she's like now in love with him again just to have her get let down. I think she's like such a smart.

No, maybe not smart. Well, she's not an idiot. She comes across as like a smart. She's a pretty girl. She's from a good family. She's got all this going for her. girl she's from a good family she's got all this going for her but she's definitely got that thing where her parents told her she was so special and she grew up and realized she's just another person in the world and she's i don't know she's going through it a little late but i you know it's hard

it's hard when you have positive parents guys yeah parents be meaner to your children you give them totally unrealistic expectations you know she can get a job. She can't keep... It doesn't seem like she can keep very many friends. It doesn't seem like she can get a man or keep a man. And it's sad. She just feels like a failure. Oh, poor Landon. Speaking of, we now have Craig and Naomi hanging out.

Craig's like, yeah. Are his pills really monogrammed CC? Why? I noticed that? I noticed that They were actually from a fire sale From CNC Music Factory I believe Maybe it was from CC Penniston Or CCH Pounder

He was like I went to all the fire sales And there wasn't a fire at any of them Every time someone CC's me on an email i'm like why are you saying my name twice i keep on going to fire sales but no one ever fires me it's strange so um so he said about how naomi changed his life i'm like yeah she gave you a house to live in like three by now and he's like yeah she deserves everything i want to be able to say naomi's husband is a lawyer it's like uh well i hope she marries one then well you can say that doesn't mean it's true um so uh then like now he puts on a little fashion show because the founders

ball charleston's newest tradition of two years is around the corner so Naomi tries on these dresses and she's like which one do you like more Craig and he liked the red one and I have to say I like the black one more just bring it out there I was just watching how hilarious it is that Naomi's like dresses like that's all she cares about

look I don't need to I just need to be honest with you she's like oh my, who did you fuck? He's like, no, no, that's not it, babe. He opened up that conversation so badly. He's like, well, I haven't been totally forthcoming with you. I have to be honest with you. There's another woman in my life, and her name is Lady Justice.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I cheated on you with my ambitions. I guess what I really want to get into is I don't love you anymore. I really love you now. Almost as much as I love the law. Am I calling the movers for you or not? Just get to the point! Say it! I've been unfaithful to jd she's like

she basically is like yeah i quit because i want to go back to loss i want to study for the bar and she's like oh he didn't even say he quit he said I don't want to be a hotel guy. I just want to buckle down and put my attention into the bar. And she's like, oh, so you want to quit your job? Yeah. Oh, well, that's okay. He didn't tell her. He just went and quit his job. He still lies.

He's like, I don't want to lie, but I'm going to lie to you right now. Okay, so the red one? Okay, yeah. Well, they probably shot it all out of order because this entire episode, it was like one scene, there were pumpkins. Halloween. Next was like Christmas trees. Then pumpkins again. Then Christmas trees.

Thomas is trying to kiss under mistletoe, but it's like a rose from Valentine's Day. What is happening? Why do they only film on holidays? So then, speaking of Thomas, etc., Whitney goes to meet up with J.D. at a restaurant. And Whitney shows up and J.D. goes, Whitney! Whitney! And Whitney, of course, shows up in some weird old man trench coat. Is there a mystery here?

What is happening, Whitney? Weirdo. And they order. And I What is happening, Whitney? Weirdo. And they order, and I just love JD every time. Gentry and ginger! You know, given that this is the style, that almost sounds like a couple.

Have you seen gentry and ginger lately? Whitney, I have to say, actually, Whitney, I've been really enjoying him this season Because he's not really there much He just sort of shows up and makes snarky comments And goes away I'm like, I'm down with that I'm okay with that

Yeah, he pretty much just pays for some whore to pretend She's dating him And then makes shitty comments at everybody And then like giggles with his weird tongue lippy Yeah So Thomas joins them for dinner And Whitney immediately is like make shitty comments at everybody and then like giggles with his weird tongue lippy yeah yeah um so thomas joins them for dinner and when he admitted it's like is it very southern of you to invite people into your house and insult them i was like well you know well i was into the cups

a little bit well this is typical bravo taking responsibility They're like, so how are you, Thomas? Well, I've been working, thinking about that part of the other night. And I'm thinking to myself, I just spent all this time getting this beautiful home together, and this is how it ends? As if he didn't start all of that. He goes, oh, drama, right? Yeah. We didn't even get to the salad yet. You're the victim here. Suzanne's like, I know.

He's like, well, I'm stressed, and people are so critical. And then it cuts to everybody being critical. And Thomas goes, if you can't be open with your friends, who can you be open with? It's like, oh, my God. And then JD goes, boy, you want to be some 52-year-old man in a house all by yourself? And then Whitney looks away uncomfortably. By the way, just to get back to what you had just quoted, there is some irony there in Thomas getting mad that his friends were criticizing him. And then he says, who can he be open with if he can't be open with your friends?

I think the point is that they were being open with you. Give you some pretty good advice, too. Yeah. Well, Thomas is just nuts. At this point, I don't know if it's like rampant drug addiction or what, but he doesn't even seem to remember what was happening. Well, that was crazy the way people misbehaved in my home. And his hair is like a crazy damn mess. It's like all over the place, gelled that way weird yeah well if there's one thing he does remember it's michael jackson because he

decides he's going to start changing himself and it's like let's start with the man in the mirror as the great michael jackson said the great black man michael jackson you know he would have been a great slave back in my great grandfather's day. When he says, let's quote MJ, I was like, oh, my God. And then he goes, well, I don't know if he's the guy I should be quoting. And then they laugh. And I'm like, yeah, that's so funny that you're making a child molestation joke when you're, like, literally fucking a child. I mean, your girlfriend was how old when you met her? You're so disgusting, Tom.

Gosh. To be fair, when he said he was going to quote Michael Jackson, I did think he was going to just say, I'm a vegetable. I'm a vegetable. I'm bad. I'm bad. You know it. You know it.

Do you remember the time when Catherine and I had fought? Do you remember the time when we first met? Thriller. Thriller. Thriller. To quote the great Michael Jackson, I'm a smooth criminal. To quote the great Michael Jackson. Hey, you know what? To quote the great Michael Jackson,

ABC 123, am I right? Hey, I'm just going to blame it on the boogie. Let me see. Oh, Thomas, my heart was in the right place. Okay, so now is... Speaking of Michael Jackson, it's an oxygen chamber with Patricia in it. I was just waiting for Bubbles the monkey to show up. And he kind of did. It was Whitney.

Say hello, mother. Hello, mother. Lick lip, lick lip. And she goes, hello, i am she's like laying back in an eye eye mask with an oxygen machine he's like is your heart having trouble mother it has birds and classical music the only way i can have sound effects to relax me when i don't have the background effects of poor people in their automobiles passing by my window. Sometimes when I have trouble getting to sleep, I make Michael stand by my bedside and call like a crow and then just go. When I feel like I've had too much oxygen, I have Michael come up and breathe his carbon monoxide down my throat.

He does a wonderful duck call. You should hear it sometime. You know that Patricia's not feeling well because she's wearing pants. I'm horrified. Yeah, exactly. I also like, by the way, the way her feathers blew in her oxygen tank machine. Very dramatic. And that was the whole scene.

He's like, okay, goodbye, mother. Like, goodbye, dear. I should mention, I did skip ahead very little bit, very briefly, because there was a scene of Thomas and Catherine with Kinsey, who was once again dressed like she's from the 1800s. And Thomas saying that he wanted people to see that he and Catherine were together at the Founders Ball.

And I wasn't sure if there were hearts in Catherine's eyes or dollar signs or both, but she was very happy. She was, and she was trying to get all comfortable in that bed, which was hilarious because wasn't that in the periwinkle room? I was dying. So she's, like, trying to get on the bed, and she goes, Well, what do you think of us all being in the same house at the same time, Tommy? He's like, uh, like family?

Yeah, good one, Tommy. It's good job. Can I have a letter opener for the Amazon Prime box that your feet are on? Thanks. So anyway, now the next scene is the men are all getting shaves for the Founders Ball. And what we learned is that Thomas basically apologized to Shep. He's like, I'm sorry. I got out of hand.

And that's it. We'll still be friends. Shake on it. He's like, I'm sorry I got out of hand, and that's it. Let's still be friends. Shake on it. He's like, gosh, yeah, okay. Gosh, I just didn't like that Thomas was picking on girls. And JD's like, yeah, seems that's things for the girls to sort out. Yeah. Which is true.

Like, his men fighting with women is ridiculous. Well, and also, I i forget was it here that someone mentioned that the whole the whole issue with landon is because thomas continues to be friends with her and it irks katherine so it's really thomas's fault not landon's fault yeah it was basically that thomas is starting this shit between the women and then they're fighting with each other and then he steps in to look like he's being such a great guy to both of them when he's really playing both of them, you know? Oh yeah, absolutely.

Of course, Landon either has dried up eggs or is on birth control. Thank God, because that's all we need is another little miscreant running around out there. No offense, kids. Speaking of miscreants, Landon is now, she's determined to win over Shep at the Founders Ball, so she's going to try to look

as purdy as possible. So she's going to try to look as purdy as possible. So she's getting all dressed up. I guess it's sort of like a general montage of everyone getting dressed, right? It's like someone combing their hair. Brushing their teeth. Because then we see Catherine and Thomas preparing for the Founders Ball. I just have Catherine saying,

because I think there's just a scene where she's like, and that was it. Landon was so sad. She was like, Patricia's really helping build up my self-confidence. She told me that I look ugly and people don't like me without makeup and i should change my hair my clothes and possibly my personality so she's my mentor

because deep down ship really wants a beach house and kids and dogs and i'm the whole package and then the mean camera people close up on her like big forehead wrinkle and her open pores it's like you guys are evil you guys are assholes and then later on when she meets with patricia because patricia is going to style her and the vision that she wants that she should be and patricia's like landon is very wash and wear and boho was'm like, not wash and wear. I mean, she just has these wrinkles that come right out of her when you take her out of the dryer. It's disgusting. She's sort of like those

commercials for all detergent. You sort of want to say A-L-L and all the dirt will lift off, but it never does. A stain is a stain is a stain, dear. She's sort of like in those commercials for paper towels when they say the leading manufacturers on the left and gets all tattered and the bounties on the right she's the one on the left one thing this girl is not known for is bounty so she's trying to change her and she goes, I know how to get a man to marry me.

It's the way that you touch the sleeve. Or the way that you fucking get knocked up on purpose so they have to give you half their fortune. I do like, she's like, it basically comes down to charm. Southern charm. And then she like looks at the cameraman like, see what I did there? My son made this show.

I also liked how Landon was venting about the whole situation with Thomas and Catherine and all the chaos and the fight and everything. And Patricia, she just goes, it's sad everything has gotten to this point. So, let's just look at the Russian sable. She's like, I'm bored. She's like, I'm bored.

When she brought out that whole rack of fur coats for Landon to borrow, I just smelled the mothballs. Those cannot smell good. And then she gives her the whore purple one. I got that moniker. There's a way to wear a Russian sable. It's like

you gotta go pee-pee in a caftan. You gotta flip it kind of behind your head. Hope that it catches on one of those things that holds the paper that covers the toilet seat, darling. And when the Victrola starts to play, you gotta make sure you take it off carefully before you start doing the

Charleston. Or as we call it here, the the. Landon. So she takes this big whore fur and she does look beautiful by the time she gets all dressed up except for that bizarre marge simpson fur she's wearing yeah the fur made her look old but then meanwhile while katherine katherine and um thomas are getting ready you know katherine is again on this rampage about Landon, and she's saying how Landon is the one who changed the tone of the dinner party, not Thomas. Although, to be fair, everyone was just laughing politely,

and Landon was the first one to push back. But it's still not Landon's fault. Not at all. They're so delusional. These two are made for each other. Oh, yeah, absolutely. And so then Catherine starts going on this whole thing. They're like, Landon, she just wants status.

She's the one who's asking about where all the rich men are and asking Cooper for where's the best part in town to live in. I'm like, what do you think you're doing with all your Amazon Prime boxes? You're the one who's hijacking this baby to get a house. You literally asked Thomas to buy you a house or else you were going to keep away the baby. Well, she at least had the babies. mean land is not even doing that i mean at least this girl's digging the right way she's like i will tie you to me with babies and landon's like i have houseboat yep she's like look i've stretched out my vagina twice and gotten stretch marks for this man i'm getting a house yeah and back off my dick um and then so then katherine then says what you're talking about like drew the line like she basically says she does not want landon in her life she does not want landon

in thomas's life and thomas who is like stuck with this crazy woman because this crazy woman controls his babies has to just like nod his head and utter such a big line of bullshit he's like your intuition is like the wisdom collected over thousands of previous lives whose lives are they of cave people the australia epithecuses i don't know like it's like thousands of eons of those smiley things at walmart those smiley signs that are flipped upside down like what are you even talking about and katherine goes i know that i'm just glad that you can see that now thomas yeah okay katherine you said tennessee williams once that doesn't make an old soul yeah and by

the way just because you've collected wisdom from people who've died does not make you smart. You know how many people thought the world was flat for so many centuries? They probably still do over there. I mean, we're talking about people who just had a relaxing picnic on a slave graveyard. Meanwhile, this whole conversation was they're like lovey-dovey again Because they boned And so now this girl really thinks she's going to get a ring in a house Which is not going to happen

Or this house, this mansion Which is not going to happen And so she makes him promise That he will not speak to Landon anymore And she's like I'm dying of lying in the sand, Tomy There's no more Landon I don't know why that made me laugh Just her punctuating the sentence with an erm Thomas. No more landing, erm.

I don't know why that made me laugh. Just her punctuating the sentence with an erm. It's like, don't sign here, just erm here, please. I'm coming up with a contract, Thomas. Erm here, please. Erm. Erm. I've seen good times and bad times. I've seen them all, but my dear

still here. You know Belinda Carlyle was really onto something Circle in the sand It was round and round Land is not allowed in Thomas So then we see Shep getting ready

And he's putting on his tuxedo shirt And I swear to God His skin was whiter than his tuxedo shirt. It was like the whitest skin we've ever seen. That's all I have to say about that. He's just super white. So then we get to the Founders Ball. I'm losing my damn mind over here.

So it was really funny because at one point, it's the Founders Ball, a little montage. The camera like zooms in on a black couple. It's like, oh, black people on Southern Charm. Finally, black people. And then they cut to like seven people dressed like Confederate soldiers. Like, what are you doing? You just made a stride. You just made a stride.

You realize you invited black people to your Founders Ball and then had seven guys dressed like Confederate soldiers. What is wrong with you? So tone deaf. Well, I mean, they are at a ball called the Founders Ball thrown by a person not from there, not from any family, and hasn't found anything ever. Yeah, talented Mr. Cooper. Oh, my God. I was like, what is happening here? And then everyone showed up. At first I was like, why is everyone wearing red? Everyone was wearing red. But then I realized it was Christmas time.

But a lot of capes, a lot of a lot of like one I don't know how arm, I don't know. Poor Landon is looking just gorgeous and she's waiting to see shep and he walks in with one of her best friends as his date i mean that is cold shep i mean come on i get that you think that you let her down which you didn't by the way you never

said we're not going to be together ever so she still thinks they're going to be together not only do you bring a date you bring one of her best friends come on and and you honestly you know the producers especially as a fan of unreal you know the producers have been in her ear being like we really think that shep likes you he's been sort of saying things we think that he likes you so you know that she was thinking today shep shaved she, oh my god, it's about to happen. And then Shep comes in with Robin, who is Landon's friend. And that got me excited because, as we always say, this universe is always expanding. And now you know Robin's going to play a role next season.

Oh, Robin's face is fucked up enough to be on Orange County. Like, she'll be in the show next year. Yeah. By the way, I want to say that the dress that Naomi ultimately went with, which was not one of the two that were options, she looked great. I'm like, I'm going to give props to Naomi.

She looked, I thought she was the best. She looked the best there. And honestly, Catherine looked fantastic too, by the way. I loved her cape. Catherine looked cuckoo bird.

She was wearing a cape. Wrestling, these like wrestling gold glove band things. And then she was wearing a cape that was no that's why it was perfect I mean the gloves were a bit much but like

if you're gonna be a crazy woman that is how to be a crazy woman to walk into a party in like a stunning red outfit with a flowing sheer cape do it it was literally flying behind her yeah I was laughing so hard because this bitch knows how to earn her place.

She's like, it's the finale. I'm gonna rip someone a new one. And she just came in ready to rumble. She's like, people are bar. She goes up to the bar and orders a stiffy. And then just kind of ignores the table.

Who was waving all big? Some idiot's like, where are you? I was waving. I think she's ignoring me. I know. I think it was Snowden. Snowden was saying that. But by the way, I have to say, at that table was Craig.

Craig was sitting next to Danny at one point. And Danny's like, oh, Craig, I like your blowout. And he's like, yeah, I wish I could do it myself. And then she just laughed at one point. And Danny's like, Oh, Craig, I like your blowout. And he's like, yeah, I wish I could do it myself. And then she just laughed at his face. And she goes, I love Naomi's necklace. Did you get that for her? He's like,

yeah, I bought that. Well, I mean, I swiped her dad's credit card, but I was at the store. Yeah. Oh my God.

So while Landon's crying over Shep and running away from him, because she is like totally heartbroken. I mean, this was like every teen movie we've ever seen. I know. Well, that's true because they're all played by 35-year-olds. Yeah. Never mind. Move on.

So Catherine is there and she's ignoring him. The horror music. It's like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. You want a drink, Thomas? Yeah. Snowden is annoyed. But Snowden, by the way, Snowden was right. She's like, well, Thomas

is ignoring me and that's fine. I know what he's trying to do. He's trying to play the nice guy before he leaves Catherine four months later. He's like a fox. Which is kind of a compliment. He's a fox. You sure told him, Snowden. So then Catherine's

sitting there at the table while the table while all the men are chatting. And Landon comes up, says hello to Thomas. And Thomas says hello back. And when he says hello back, he puts his hand on the low, what do you call it, the curve of the back? Her waist. Her waist, right above the butt. She puts the hand, and the cameras get it get it from like two different angles in slow motion. And Catherine's eyes.

I wish I could make GIFs more easily because this was a GIFable moment. Oh, it was. She had like five in this. Like from now to the end of the show, she had like five or six that are just hilarious. When she was getting mad and she put her arms behind her back and just cracked her back. Oh my God. That was actually scary. That was like I thought she was going to crawl out of my TV and kill me ring style.

Okay. That was like I was like, I don't know what was going on. She's like the worst ring ever. She crawls out of the toilet and just takes your Amazon Prime box and then disappears again. Arm, excuse me. and then disappears again. Irm, excuse me. When you place your Amazon order,

seven days later, you get a phone call and then your box dies. Oh, it didn't die. It just went into my TV. Hey. So the best part, though, is when Landon was talking to Thomas, Thomas looked terrified.

He knew. He was like, he was like, Irm, I gotta get out of here. So Catherine is just ready to rip him Thomas looked terrified. He knew. He was like, erm. So, so, so good. So Catherine is just ready to rip him because one good tradition about this ball is that Catherine is always going to lose it on somebody at this ball.

And she was being so funny with the other ladies because when she finally did sit at the table, she's like, oh, you look great. Let's just be honest. Like she was being so awful on purpose i don't know what she was on obviously something because she was acting nuts and then there was one point where she walked right up to the table of all the women and she faced away from she was right at the table but she was facing away from the table and then looking from behind her shoulder at them like sneering like what are you

doing you're at the table it's not like you're across the room you're literally standing at the table so she eventually summons landon to another room so they could talk right so they go into the next room and then katherine turns around with rage in her eyes and a snotty look on her face and she puts her hands up in this very aggressive body language because first of all this isn't a mean conversation which she says in the meanest to impossible and landon goes what no yeah landon has this great passive aggressive response she goes excuse me excuse me i can't hear you which is like this way that's kind of it, that's such a power move to just like, to like neuter Catherine's opening line.

Catherine's like, I said this isn't gonna be a mean conversation. Yeah, pretty much. And then Catherine gets so mad that she's not only waving her hands around, she's doing the breaststroke in midair. Like she's teaching Kinsey how to swim outside the pool. And she's saying this nonsense

like you got I caught you I caught you propositioning Thomas to stir the pot what what are you even saying it right now she's saying that she was proposition this fight was so crazy so she's saying you were propositioning Thomas which is nuts because like what do you think she just walked up to a group of guys and was like you want to fuck me so she didn't proposition her i don't even know what katherine's talking about and then landon hates her so much like you're lying i never went and then landon finally is lose well not finally she's always losing it with katherine but this fight they're like yelling at each other and then they walk away and then katherine's like i gotta leave and then landon's like i gotta leave but then the guys start gossiping with both of them but nobody even knows what they're

fighting about i like when craig tells craig tells uh landon he's like well you know you just gotta like listen to her and let her make her point she's like she doesn't have a point that's the problem which is true like what are you even saying Catherine why aren't you yelling at Thomas he's the one who touched a waist exactly well I love how like during this crazy like this this crazy confrontation between the two of them Catherine's like ew you're like trying to start a fight I'm like you're the one who dragged her out here angrily and started attacking her Catherine you're so crazy and then landon's like trying to defend herself and then catherine does another classic move she goes shut up stop yelling

you sound like a fucking kindergartner i'm like that's such it's the classic deflection move in a fight which is to then make the other person sound like the crazy one but i love when um landon in her interview says a typically shady Landon line where she's like, It's not my fault you had a second baby with the hopes that it would make you closer to Thomas. And it didn't work. Oh, beautiful. And then Landon really pulls some shit when she's like, Fuck it, I'll make Thomas fight with this crazy bitch.

So she goes up to Thomas and is like, Thomasomas i don't know what you do about katherine she's saying all this stuff and you need to tell her it's not true and so finally someone gets thomas on the spot because he's lying to them both meanwhile and meanwhile katherine is fuming off the side going done done all of you seriously done done The security guard's like, uh. I loved it. So they make Thomas go up, and she's like, tell her that we've never had sex. Or what was she saying?

Like, tell her that this isn't true. And he's like, I have never touched, landed inappropriately sexual relations with that woman, snorted coke in office, whatever. And then Catherine's's like you liar thomas you lie oh thomas you lie you lie and then she starts pacing around in her cape which is blowing all over the place just screaming about what a liar he is but no one really knows what she's talking about yeah exactly so then then this this fight kind of like tumbles out into the front

because shep goes down to talk to Catherine to calm her down. And then there's talk with someone's talking to Landon, maybe Craig. I don't know. I don't remember what, but ultimately the women, this confrontation, the second confrontation happens and Landon is like now downstairs in this

scary ass ghost light. There's some bright white light on her. And it looks like, I don't know, this is going to be like a confrontation between two different carries, you know, like, I don't know who's going to be like a confrontation between two different carries you know like i don't know who's gonna get the blood poured on them first battle of the carries and then thomas his main concern is like we gotta get jennifer out of here she's a troublemaker yeah it's all it's all snowden's fault yeah fucking pig who he's also had sex with yeah like he just doesn't want another person dogpiling on all of his lives so something

weird happened okay so katherine goes up and they're screaming in each other's face she goes admit it admit what you've done land is like i will look you in the eye i didn't do anything and and then katherine goes then you're crazy and then her eye like while she's saying crazy one opens really big and the other one starts twitching. I mean, it looks cuckoo. And then Landon does what Catherine did last week. And she just turns on this fake English accent and she goes, good night, darling. I'm above this.

I'm a lady. What would Patricia do? She would leave, darling. Goodbye, darling. What is happening? And I loved how also right before that, how Landon started to have one of those scary calm moments when Catherine was saying something like,

I think you're insane. I don't give a fuck about you. And then he kept on saying, that's what I think of you. That's what I think of you. And just this calm smile. It was this really scary, uber bitchy Landon moment. It was amazing.

And then cut to Cameron up at a table being like, not my circus, not my monkeys. But I will get impregnated by one of them if I can because I'm going to keep that marriage. So then Whitney's inside just being a bitch. This event is low rent which is funny so anyway this is just a big

clusterfuck it says two hours later whatever and Shep is talking to his date who he just brought to her that girl's feelings in the first place and he's like I can't believe Landon like why can't she just take the high road I mean just just like i'm taking the

high road by dating her best friend on purpose just to make her upset at a party and then the friends like looking around the ballroom she goes do you think she's gonna admit she fucked thomas and he goes what cut to black oh i love the end of a show when there's like a mystery tied up. Of course Landon was fucking that guy. It's so obvious. Everybody knew it. And Landon has been lying this whole time.

I love it. That's going to be a really good reunion. Yeah. No, it's going to be great. And that's another good thing with the show is that there's a lot of like intertwined craziness. If you really think about it. Craig had a crush on Catherine, but then Catherine went and hooked up with Shep, and then she went over to Thomas.

Then she hooked up with Whitney, but she was really interested in Thomas, and then she started hooking up with Thomas, and she was only with Whitney to make Thomas jealous, and then she was with Thomas, and they had a baby, andney to make thomas jealous then she's with thomas they had a baby and then there's this now landon's with thomas like everything is actually very interconnected in a way that you know it's pretty surprising it's actually on par with vanderpump rules well so much of it uh that i like because some of these i mean most of these shows are so faked i mean even this one i'm sure a lot of it's set up i mean you've got all these cameramen around but a lot of this stuff that's been happening has been happening in the

off season so it's really not faked like landon was fucking thomas in the off season it wasn't during this she was doing it when they thought they weren't on camera when the cameras rolled she was just pretending they were friends and this and that so i like that because it's just they they really have become friends and they're really shady with each other. But in that Southern Polite way. Yeah, fantastic. Great season. Great season.

And speaking of Southern Polite ways, why don't we mosey on over to Dallas? Oh, my goodness. Dallas it is. Well, this has already been a five billion hour podcast. So how much Dallas do you have? I don't have that much. I took a ton of notes. Okay, go for it.

I've got them open. Go for it. The first line of the Real Housewives of Dallas reunion is typical of this show. The first line is, mark your territory. It's like, of course, it's about peeing. Yeah, it's of course. Of course. Andy doesn't even bother to wear his contacts for this reunion he's like crawled out of bed and threw on his glasses he's like hey he's wearing his like chum capote glasses um um i noticed one thing the women were

all wearing really strange cutouts in their dress with their dresses like everyone had like a bold color and strange parts cut out like a triangle here a circle there yeah they weren't like the typical glittery reunion dresses these were like i don't know like high-end dillards i guess like the expensive part of dillards yeah perhaps that's being generous yeah um so uh we have you know uh in the in beginning one of the first things that happens is that a woman writes a question into the reunion. Her name is Cecily. And she's like, hey, Stephanie, why don't you grow a spine? And Stephanie's like, well, I mean, Cecily, I don't know if I like you.

uh this was very funny because the the lady is like it's not from 1964 and you get lists from your husbands like what the hell grow a spine grow a pair you know fuck off cecily with your poor ass in your trailer this bitch is doing shit on a list because she doesn't work and she lives in a giant mattress uh giant mattress she does look at a mattress actually wearing about a million dollars worth of jewelry on her hands right at this very moment okay there's a reason that is your job when you're married to someone that rich who's just paying for you to like do whatever the fuck you want and spending millions of dollars you can pick up some poop in the yard okay yeah you can't cry feminism while you're taking zillions of dollars with no job etc etc and speaking of that jewelry you know stephanie's wearing all this jewelry and leanne You can't cry feminism while you're taking zillions of dollars with no job, et cetera, et cetera. And speaking of that jewelry, Stephanie's wearing all this jewelry and Leanne is giving her such a nasty look.

It's amazing. I wish I could mimic you right now. But I'm not rich enough. I don't have enough glass. And then we find out what Stephanie's husband does. Yes. He's like, he manufactures lockers. He has the world's largest wood manufacturing locker company.

I'm like, huh? And Andy's like, what? He's like, he has to wipe his glasses for that. And then they asked about the poop. And Stephanie's like, well, you know, I have boys and then they asked about the poop and stephanie's like well you know i have boys and they always joke about poop so like you know poop is a way of life and then leanne's like i don't see the poop if i see the poop we have a problem that's having dogs uh yeah leanne and tiffany that they all start this with these crazy, phony emotions.

Leanne and Tiffany are just acting like someone said the F word, the C word. They're like, as if their main storyline wasn't Leanne shitting her pants. Yeah. So they're like mortified. Then the other Stephanie is over there crying for no reason. Like the show opens with Stephanie crying for some reason. Brandy is shaking her head like she's just furious with whispering furious like when you guys are all

reacting and nothing has even happened yeah i know um of course we have another dose of tragedy from brandy's life which is that her kids have been kicked out of christian school because they didn't like her saying jesus juice and you know being crazy on camera she's like i chose to no longer do a partnership with my kids education and be like so they were kicked out no we're just not having a partnership any longer like shut up brand just say they were kicked out they were expelled because of you don't worry that means you're a good housewife because that's what happened to Ramona's kids. Also, guess what? That's very Plano. Didn't they mention that Brandy lives in Plano? Because Andy was like, yeah, people in Plano are mad.

I'm talking. Andy's like, people in Plano. Our accents are all over the map now. People in Plano were mad because Leanne made a Plano joke. And she was only making that Plano joke because Brandy lives in Plano. I was like, Jesus, Brandy had to drive all the way out to Dallas from,

I mean, I guess it's not that far, but yeah, I don't know. That is very Plano to be like, your child will not be coming back to this school because one thing Jesus Christ did not do was forgive people for things that they said on reality shows.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Plano. So, uh, well, one thing, one thing that's funny about Brandy's talking about how they did not decide to

renew their partnership with their education is, um, it fell in line with the positive spin that these women were trying to do for everything. Like Tiffany talking about her porn past. She's like, I did not do porn. I did a Cinemax series that was very racy.

Okay. I was called a porn star. Um, okay. So we didn't actually see a dick go in, but it was basically you like making lots of boobies. Okay. Like,

why is that so much better? Like, I don't think it's bad if you were a porn star. I wouldn't even give a shit. But own it, you know? She's like, I think it's a common misconception that Debbie Does Dallas was a porno. It's actually a travelogue.

You know what I say? At least Debbie was doing something. I mean, maybe they meant Debbie is doing something in Dallas. You know, I had Debbie on my web series sanctuary of style and she's really wonderful so I appreciate the lack of judgments from the audience please so then then Andy asked Leigh-Anne if if rich was scared of her carny side and And I loved this because Leanne's like, oh, well, he knows when it's coming out. And Tiffany chimes in.

Tiffany goes, he controls it. And then Leanne puts her hand on Tiffany's thigh to be like, it's not your turn, bitch. Like, I got this. The question's from me. You're my sidekick. You be quiet now, Tiffany. Rich is the carny whisperer.

He actually already has the cotton candy all ready to go. That's all I need sometimes. Leanne was so full of shit. I mean, she could not answer one thing honestly in this entire reunion. Well, not that any of them could. But Andy goes, yeah, that whole thing with Rich seems like it's not going to happen. honestly in this entire reunion andy well not that any of them could but andy goes yeah that whole thing with rich seems like it's not gonna happen and leanne's like i'll tell you what andy it's because i'm not gonna get married because i don't want to do divorce do you understand i'm not gonna get divorced like she's trying to diss all the other ladies who have been divorced yeah she's

with a man who's been divorced three or four times yeah she's like you know how when you want to get on the scrambler it's so fun you want to go on over and over and over again then eventually you want to have tickets and you have to go home and you're so sad i don't want to be that sad so i'm just not going to get on the scramble in the first place well stupidly in well i'm just gonna say what was funny about leanne is at the top of the show, she's trying to be all happy-go-lucky, which we always see on these shows. She's like, oh, you know, it was fun.

I just made a fool of myself on TV and got drunk. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. As if like, ha, I'm just easygoing now. I get it. But no, because she gets wound up with every single question. She's got a box cutter in her ankle uh she's like uh so then of course every question this was you can tell who the star of this show is even though she's kind of awful sorry leanne but you really are and andy you can tell she's a star because andy would be like so people like cauliflower okay

leanne what about charity okay so the sky's blue outside love the weather leanne what do you think about you know being abused in the carnival every question was back to leanne and when stephanie and carrie were were accusing leanne of being egotistical about charity again leanne just got that that that trolley slapping look in her eyes and she and leanne's response was like i don't need upward mobility in dallas society she actually turned upward mobility into a verb yeah i talked to the who's who in society in dallas okay i'm best friends with deandre simmons i'm sorry deandre actually that's my best friend. She's my actual best friend. And Andy's like,

what do you mean you're actual? So you're saying Tiffany's not your real friend? No, I'm just saying that I was the maid of honor at her last wedding. Cut to Tiffany looking so sad. Tiffany's like, I thought I was number one sidekick.

Just after Leanne's like, I will not get divorced. My best friend's been divorced a few times. I was the maid of honor at her last wedding. I was in the wedding. And Stephanie's like, well, Stephanie's like, I was there too. She's like, no, you were only in the reception. I was in the wedding. There was only 50 people there.

Okay. You're in the reception. Oh, Carrie. Carrie was the runner up. No, you're the reception. Oh, Carrie. Carrie was the runner up. No, you know what? I think that even as awful as Leanne can be and as little responsibility as she would take for anything in this, Carrie was just awful. I mean, what a disgusting faker. She's sitting there with her platypus face trying to pretend she's crying this whole time.

Like, she's so victimized. Like, she wasn't the biggest cut fitness on this entire show saying mean shit about people all the throughout the entire thing acting like a jackass and now she's being bullied really exactly well i mean you know here's the thing leanne is a crazy face but i'm always gonna pick leanne over carrie any day especially since carrie is such a liar of course you were cheating you just both admitted that you were cheating and then they bring her gay husband mark on the show they bring him onto the couch he's like an orange and orange and orange and then this when they asked him about the affair his face just gave everything away yeah like he is such a liar and then they started

this whole thing about well i the reason i wanted to work for mark like i sought out to work for him is because i knew that he needed help in his office he only had two people and he needed help he was fat and then my husband he just left me one day without a note and then i went it's like oh my god and they're getting leanne's side of the story and leanne's like well what i heard was that uh mark always wanted carrie but she wouldn't marry him what was it she wouldn't marry him no he wouldn't marry her so she got married to another guy to make him jealous and then he did get jealous and he asked to marry her while she was still married and then they started fucking and then the husband

left i was like this is nuts and i believe it it is nuts but at the same time i also feel like for leanne to be passing judgment about that when she was engaged to a man who tried to kill her you know i rolled onto the garage as it was closing and he pounded on my head into the cement wall i never pleaded with him and i'll say my life i'm like you know that i got out from under that garage the garage was he said and i rolled under it i was like and then it started going back up or what yeah well she was like she's like my husband he called me and said i I'm going to kill you. You have five minutes.

I'm coming home. I'm going to kill you. So I opened up the garage. He came in and I rolled under it. And then I got it. And then I told everyone, I said, please help me. And the last hour shut. And I was like, so I can't tell.

Were you in scream or were you in enough? I can't tell. I just love the, this is so mean to laugh about. But first of all, I don't believe her for one second she was probably like hey I was thinking about getting some macaroni and cheese for dinner oh you're trying to kill me with that food okay I'm getting out of here she tells this

story of like rolling under the garage first of all just imagine this she's like oh the garage door is closing for why is he closing the garage to like keep her in the garage okay so then she rolls under which just makes the garage door back go back up so i'm imagining her like running away from a garage door opening and him standing there until it gets high enough for him to get under it and then chasing her then suddenly he's like pounding her into the street because none of

the neighbors would come out to help her and it's so sad and even the ladies who hate her are pretending which obviously if that's true that's a horrible awful sad story right yeah it's so sad and even the ladies who hate her are pretending which obviously if that's true that's a horrible awful sad story right yeah it's terrible after she's just told this story about how much she abhors violence she goes now that's why i say if you're gonna kill me you better kill me because if you don't you're dead i'm like okay so obviously you're not traumatized by violence because you can't even finish a goddamn story about it without threatening to murder people yeah exactly um the other thing that was funny about leanne was during this thing with uh carrie you know carrie

carrie's whole issue with leanne is that she feels like leanne has gone out of her way to spread these rumors about her cheating like like breaking up a marriage, right? And Leanne, the funny thing is that Leanne won't fess up to the fact that she's been spreading them around. She keeps dodging the question. And she keeps saying things, well, you keep accusing me of being upwardly social mobile. That's what you keep accusing me of. And she's like, but you are. That's not a rumor.

But you are. And Carrie kind of has a point. There's a difference between saying, oh, Leanne. Actually, I'm sorry. No, no. The issue was that Carrie said to Leanne during that one scene, like, stop trying to be part of. You'll never be able to be part of high society.

You have to be born into that. That's what Carrie said. So Leanne has basically said, because you said that, that was such a mean thing to say. Basically, I have a right to now go tell people that you're a homewrecker. Which is kind of like not on the same level. That's a very extreme response. Well, I wish that Carrie, I mean, I would love to stand up for Carrie. But she did fuck some other woman's husband.

She did do all that. And you know what? Yeah, it's not up to everybody to always judge that. And people do fall in love with other people, and I get it. But at the same time, you did steal someone's husband, and you did cheat. And the whole world doesn't just have to say, oh, well, you you know sorry for the other wife and all the other kids that were left because you were fucking blowing the husband under the desk which sounds like it's true after listening to her and her husband's bullshit stories oh well i just worked

for him because he needed help which i heard through through somebody and then we worked together but um we were just friends yeah right like it's obvious a lot the whole world doesn't have to support you doing that. It was a shitty thing of you to do. Like, the right answer is to do what Mark said and say, yes, I get it that we hurt people and I'm sorry. But the truth is I fell in love with somebody else. And that's it. That's all you owe people.

You don't owe people a huge explanation. But the world doesn't owe you a pass either. Like, the world is judgmental. So stop acting like you ain is judgmental so well well said ronnie i i agree and and by the way what what a circumspect story of well my husband left me after three months out of nowhere because it turns out he's a serial dater and it just marriage wasn't for him and then mark was so he was there for me to comfort me and And then we felt like, hmm, this is a little fishy. But that being said, it still is hilarious to me that Leanne refuses to believe that Dallas high, high society is open to her.

Like she could possibly get there someday. I'm like, sorry, honey, you're in a ranch house. They're both. Carrie is right. Carrie is right on this one. And then Mark is getting annoyed. And that's when Leon's like, do you need a tampon? He's like, actually. But then so she keeps going back to the whole, I can't be in society. He's going crazy.

But then Carrie keeps coming on this new victim thing because Andy's like, well, everyone hates you because you said your husband was a fat slob until you. And she goes, Mark? Like, Mark got his own life together before he even knew me. And none of that is true. Mark even said, yeah, I started getting my life together. And I was a fat slob. So thank God she helped me lose weight. I was like, you guys, get your life straight before you come on tv your timeline is all over the place it was it was it was

a disaster um and children please stop hurting my children shut up carrie i know what he just please don't hurt much i wrote i wrote carrie lol with that line but you know what was funny though it was also lol was again when mark was mark was going after leanne and it was funny because again leanne also was not having an ounce of culpability and he's like why are you spreading gossip why do you spread gossip and she's like i wasn't spreading gossip i was just saying it because that's what i know of them that's what i know he's like that's gossip it's like well no it isn't oh and when they said that Heidi they're like oh you set up Heidi to say that stuff about Carrie he's like yeah you

sent him Heidi to bully me and that's why I was kind of uncomfortable around her yeah right and then they said that Heidi was in the Dallas paper the next day after the episode aired saying I never said that I never even knew that about Carrie which is also a lie because she's friends with the ex-wife so this is all they're all such fucking liars so then I did like at one point Andy

came for Leanne and he asked I guess there was a question about like what Leanne does for her life or whatever or or how this affects everything. And Andy goes, so what do you do? And Leanne just goes, charity. And then Andy goes, is spreading trash about her children charity? Poor Leanne.

You know that she wanted to slap Andy at that moment. Oh, God. She could not. She had practiced so many answers in her head, but she wasn't ready for the questions, which was odd, because Andy was like, well, when Carrie was on Watch What Happens Live the other day, you tweeted

out while she was on the show that she shouldn't have stolen her husband. What did you learn from that? And she goes, well, I learned that I shouldn't be tweeting while i'm drunk and then and then there was like this weird moment this conciliatory moment where carrie's like i am proud of you for overcoming your corny past i'm like in what world has this ever been a line that we'd expect to hear in bravo and leanne's like this is the

carrie i haven't seen and carrie's like that's because you've never been honest in my face and then tiffany weighs and she's like i don't listen to rumors because that's who i am shut up tiffany these people these are all crazy and i love when leanne goes please don't say I'm egremoniacal. Please don't. I felt attacked. What about when Andy goes, after this Mark and Leanne fight, because Mark's like,

girl, I can't believe you said that about my wife. Admit it. He's fagging out on TV. And then Andy goes, okay, well, we're going to air this place out. Thanks for coming by, Mark. Oh, my God. You basically called Mark a fart.

Thanks a lot, Andy. And then we had a strange apology moment that was, you know, of the Danielle stop of awkwardness. Where Leanne's like, I'm sorry, Carrie. And can we hug now? I want a hug. It's like, oh, I've missed the and can we hug now I want a hug it's like oh I've missed the awkward reunion hug it's been a while and then who said

like what someone said something you shut the fuck up it was Stephanie Stephanie's like oh okay and then Leanne said something she was like shut the fuck up. This is what real people do. And then Stephanie's like, see, it's always an insult.

But it was amazing. You're always doing that. And then Stephanie and Leanne, Stephanie's like, but it was my, I was saying something. Well, go ahead then. Say something. Well, I was going to say it. All right, then say it. But then I was going to.

Okay, fine. You say it. No, you say it. And then they just sit there staring at each other and andy goes okay so next up is yeah and then so then we started talking about keith suburban that was so this show it was so keith suburban was up next and tiffany said that she's like lord we have tried so many hairstyles and this is actually the best one for him. I was like, oh, oh, that's awful.

What an awful, awful fate to be to be dealt. I mean, look, a lot of people made fun of him when he had a page boy. A lot of people are going to make fun of him with this. Look, the point is, I wish people would stop accusing him of causing global warming, okay? He cannot help being a suburban. You want to put him in a crusher? Do it. So now we get to Brandy and Brian, and guess what?

Brian. Whisper, whisper, whisper. And then she was sort of trying to half defend him and was like well it's not that he disapproved of me being on a show but he was hurt by it like what how did it hurt him aside from him looking like an asshole on tv but he was already an asshole i love that he threatened to he said he was going to divorce her after that dinner scene because hello we call i mean it's so obvious like we don't have to be psychic but these women are hilarious trying to convince everybody that their relationships are all stronger for the show yeah stephanie's like oh we're even more in love now now i don't have lists

uh he's fucking somebody else and then brandy's like no he's gonna stay with me and lies you guys we're so much better because of this show then you would be the first housewives show ever yeah that marriages were actually better because of this show than you would be the first Housewives show ever that marriages were actually better because of the show. We've decided to continue the partnership that is our marriage. By the way, and what a shock that the Brandy segment was the most boring one of the episode. So then

things got real fun when Marie came out. They brought out Marie, wide-eyed and trembling. Terrified Marie. And she sits down, and Tiffany goes, This fucking asshole. She's like, I would like to sit on that couch, please. They're like, there's no room.

Meanwhile, there's a gap the size of a stereo system. They're like, sorry, no room, as they all manspread. They all stick out their legs. No room, Tiffany, no room. And Marie came with the game. Wait with wait hold on i'm sorry tiffany was like i feel energy really strong so i prefer to keep in a to keep in a safe space that's why she wanted to go the other couch yeah i need to feel a safe space uh really because marie was the one who almost lost her life i'm like you, you're the one who's sitting an inch away from Leanne. I don't know how that ever qualified as a safe space.

Did you see what she did to the mass transit? Next up, we're bringing out the trolley. All right, come on out here, trolley. God damn it, you lying trolley. That was the sound of her hitting it. She gets up. Violence is never the answer, but it is with a trolley that was the sound of her hitting it um she gets up violence is never the answer but it is with a trolley hey trolley if you want to run me over you better run me over good otherwise you can get slapped right again marie has the housewife thing where she's like the secondary character who gets a taste of fame and then suddenly comes back swinging like she is ready to go and apparently she's

hired people she's hired a pr company to go slam leanne online which is crazy i'm like what is this like this is what people are saying in politics right now they're like hillary clinton hired people trump hired people like what do you guys people are hiring people on twitter now to slam people what are we housewives this was a this was a bonkers segment um first of all i have to say that they in the after marie came out uh bravo treated us to a montage of leanne's greatest hits of crazy and that was sublime it was almost worth this entire reunion episode for that like two minute montage of leanne screaming that was basically the entire reason i watched his show that montage yeah it was i mean that's that was a thing of beauty this

year yeah i think actually if they come back for season two they should build season two 100 around leanne like they get rid of some of the keep tiffany you have to keep tiffany because she's a good sidekick bring marie on although she may have screwed up by doing all this whatever she's doing on social media get rid of get rid of brandy maybe get rid of stephanie i don't know i love stephanie i mean i know i like stephanie so funny and i think carrie is an awful human being bitch face man stealing but super rich woman and also very funny so i would probably keep her yeah i would say look i guess i would say fire Brandy, but I kind of like her stupid whispery ass.

I think it works. I think they just need like one or two more women. There's not enough women on this show. I think they just, you know what it is? Brandy and Stephanie, their personalities are a little too quiet. And we need some more, we just need another outrageous personality, I think, to really kind of kick it up another level for when it's not a leanne scene because whenever leanne is

on the screen honestly the show is like firing on all on all pistols like leanne is a star i don't care what people say she is a crazy crazy bitch but she is a star and she is like this franchise needs to like nurture it like bravo has something special with leanne and they need to nurture it as best as possible that's what i said well maybe move brandy and maybe move brandy and stephanie to friends of and then replace them with two like really big broad women i think so i think we need to see some bigger dallas personalities because marie's ready i mean yeah marie went on youtube and made a nursery rhyme about Leanne pooping. And Leanne's like, how could she?

That's bullying. She wrote a nighttime nursery rhyme to destroy me. Which is also, I mean, these are gems for people. My people aren't even counting sheep. Across Dallas, kids are counting Leanne poops. Go to sleep. That's abusive. You better murder me or i'll slit your

throat bitch yeah i'm actually concerned that that youtube thing is the sort of thing that bravo does not like and i think that marie actually kind of maybe like she ruined her chances with that who knows but so i love when now after we've had like the leanne is crazy montage we start to now it's time to really get into Leanna's anger issues. And Andy asks her why she went off on Stephanie at Girls Night so much. Leanna's like, um, well, actually, Stephanie said classy on that really. That really set me off. Stephanie crying for no reason again.

Yeah, but that's because you threw the glass on the ground. I said classy. Yeah, but that's because you threw the glass on the ground and I said classy. She goes, yeah, exactly, you said classy. Do you know that's a trigger for me? Because I've always called not classy because I was a carnage. When I hear the word classy, it just gets me mad. So she's going off about this stupid,

Leanne is making zero sense. And then Marie really has, I don't believe Marie either because she's just off about this stupid. Leanne is making zero sense. And then Marie really has. I don't believe Marie either because she's just become as crazy as them by doing all this shit that she's been doing. But Tiffany is so ridiculous. Someone pointed out on our Facebook that it's obviously Tiffany that was the one who told the gay about the poop story because she is going so crazy about it and if there were only three people there and Marie didn't do it because I feel like Marie would say okay there I said it I said I'm sorry

like she would be but then why would the gay throw Tiffany why would he cover for Tiffany it seems like the gay would enjoy outing the person who said it you know why don't they just ask the gay yeah why don't they ask the gay would enjoy outing the person who said it you know yeah exactly why don't they just ask the

gay yeah why don't they ask the gay yeah they will i wonder if anybody's even asked him on twitter because marie's whole thing that she was saying on the reunion was that she was texting all that crazy stuff to tiffany because she was she was concerned for leanne because leanne wasn't eating or bathing which makes me really scared we read all the texts on the show and for tiffany to be screaming like that and leanne to be screaming marie really wasn't being mean she was saying like she literally said no not literally i shouldn't say literally i'm getting bravoed but she was saying in those texts look i don't you know she was acting crazy at that party and she was throwing things and being violent and i'm worried worried about her. Like she's taking a good opportunity.

Like she's finally going to have some kind of fame or something, which she's always wanted. And now she's ruining it. Like we have to do something. And Tiffany was saying, you're right. And I don't condone that behavior. And then Marie was saying, yeah. And Marie did go on for paragraphs and paragraphs. But Tiffany was agreeing with everything she said yeah it didn't become a problem until tiffany went and blabbed it and then cut the text to make it look like it was

meaner than it was she cut out all of her own texts then marie gave all the texts supposedly which were not mean like for leanne to be mad about those texts right doesn't even none of this makes any sense it really wasn't that bad i mean marie's been sticking by this abusive crazy person the whole time well marie actually had i think one of the best reunion answers to a question ever um when andy was like marie why didn't you tell leanne that brandy was talking shit to you because remember there was that scene where leanne and marie were talking and leanne was like what does brandy say about me and marie's like nothing she's she's she's nice she's fine she doesn't say anything bad about you and then there's you see that brandy actually was saying like leanne's crazy whatever you know so andy was like marie why did you say that brandy was was was not saying talking shit

about leanne to leanne's face sort of implying that that marie was being fake and a liar and marie was like civility and it's like it was like an aha moment for me it's like you know what is so wrong with actually having a little civility like yeah she's trying not to start shit she's trying to not have leanne slit brandy's throat on national television she says that she's nice to me yeah she's like you know you were acting she. Marie says, like, you just acted crazy. And I'm not going to go tell you that she thinks that you're a batch of crazy because you're just going to be crazy again. You know? And I'm like, thank you.

You know, sometimes it's okay to smooth the situation over. Now, perhaps with the shots of Sunset and we get this on Thursday, what Reza did I don't think was an example of civility. That was just him being a awful he's just trying to ruin friends lives as usual which he does every fucking year yeah but another thing with this marie is that this is also the first time that someone said what she's saying about me that she wasn't like here's what she said and then exaggerated it i don't think i've ever seen a housewife being like nothing she didn't say anything about you like never maria's the first so i wanted to be on terrified marie's side but she's coming out trying too hard to get a to get whatever they hold in dallas i don't know like a fake charity award or whatever right and then and then andy goes so you hired someone to attack

leon on twitter and she goes oh twitter andy i don't use twitter i'm over 40 and then he just looked at her with his jaw on the ground like is this bitch kidding me right now he's like did you actually want to be in bravo and you don't know how to tweet like what sort of twitter war you're gonna get into but that was that was like a very canned line i was like oh marie that was a swing and a miss yeah um but you know i also like you know one thing i love how when leanne gets all pissy about details like he's like leanne did you did you actually poop in a bag she's like no it was a basket i removed the gift from it first and then i pooped in the basket okay if it leaked into a bag then that's someone else's lie to tell it's the betrayal um when he goes he actually goes

okay bye marie okay everybody you know you've all grown so much yeah well yeah i know i love that he does that but by the way the the one shot that marie has for being on season two was when i think it was tiffany who started coming out with like uh listen we all know your secret we won't tell your secrets we're not telling your secrets marie and then um like we don't tell because of because of because of your daughter we're not going to tell a secret about you and your daughter or something like that and marie oh my god she had that look at that classic marie look in her eyes marie's balls hit the back of her throat look oh no it was it was it was like uh marie she's like oh yeah marie the number one the number one rule

about having a deep dark secret don't go after the people who know your deep dark secret yes which she didn't i mean that's what's so funny about like all this shit with marie she never did she never said anything about poop in the bag but the twitter when she was getting screamed and yelled at and but the nursery rom the nursery rom ronnie You forgot about the nursery rhyme. And also she did file a restraining order. I think she got back home and someone was like, are you kidding? You're gonna

ignore this and not get publicity? And she's like, oh, you're right. I'll file a restraining order because I really believe that she meant to kill me, but she knows she doesn't. Plus Marie was spreading a horrific lie, which is that Leanne threw a crystal bowl when in fact Leanne had merely flipped it over. I just flipped it!

I was being a mimicker of something I saw on a carny once. Just flip it over, do three card Monty. Those little strawberry candies were on the floor. Well, fuck me! You little mimicker! well fuck me you little mimicker when Leanne goes on to her big monologue at the end of that the reason I act like that

I don't want to act like that that's not me that's a hurt little girl inside me a hurt little girl who's an angry little bitch an angry little girl who had to run into the garage door mimicker angry little bitch little girl who had to run into the garage door mimicker bitch girl mimicker mimicker it's like me but smaller it's a smaller me mimicking the big

me mimicker and the other women carrie is like i've been trying to cry bully for an hour no one gives a shit brandy's like no one would listen to me whisper stephanie's like ain't nobody here for me they were all just looking at her with their jaws open kind of nodding like we're fucked like she wins even though she's the worst human being hands down here except for Carrie you know arguably she wins

I'm surprised Brandy didn't pipe up in the awkward silence say I just want everyone to know that my car got a flat tire hey everybody I just want everyone to know that my car got a flat tire. Hey, everybody. I just farted. My cat died.

Oh, Brandy. They're like, well, let's have a toast. My glass is cracked. All right. Well, someone get her a new glass. I have a splinter. I can't hold it. Here's a new glass.

Throwing it. I just merely flipped over my champagne glass. I did not throw it. Well, a bad sign for this show in the future. It was a one-part reunion i don't think we've ever seen that not for a while but to be fair southern charm has frequently had one-part reunions i think well most taking place in the clubhouse which is like they don't even get a set usually and well to be fair also most southern charm reun regions are like so when thomas said this how did that make you feel and what do you think about it now oh it's thomas it's fine yeah catherine's sitting there giving everybody a dirty look but i think um i don't it could it's

it to me i think it's a bad omen but it might not be because you know the thing is with this show again it was it was supposed to be something else. It could have just been, I think that maybe a second season we'd have more drama. They just didn't have enough stuff to fill a reunion, you know. And thank God they didn't try to stretch it out. Yeah, I agree. I mean, it was an hour and a half. But to be fair, had this show had better ratings, they probably would have tried to string it out. So, yeah yeah bad omen

yeah i hope it comes back though me too or leanne moves to i don't know the oc or something wow that would be amazing no i think they should bring it back just give it a few tweaks i think there's so much potential um and i think it deserves at least one more season. Yeah. Amen, brother. Amen. Well, look at that. We made it. Thanks, everyone. This was super fun.

On Thursday, we will be talking Real Housewives of New York City, Shaz the Sunset, and Robbins the Mailbag, and all that other fun stuff. Let's do it. Bye, everybody. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Texture is offering our listeners

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