Watch What Crappens - #305: The Return of Judgey Eyes

Episode Date: June 28, 2016

Real Housewives of Orange County’s Shannon Beador takes the webs off her judgey eyes for those of us who missed them. Also, the Shahs have fun ruining each other’s lives for no reason, and Kathryn shows up to the Southern Charm reunion dressed like an extra from Deadwood. Enjoy! Timestamps below! Timestamps: 00 Opening Chatter and Mailbag: The Ladies of London on Brexit and Bethenny gets a tattoo gun. 24:50 RHOC 1:19:20 Shahs 1:40:30 Southern Charm Reunion 1 -- Subscribe at www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com --- See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crappins would like to thank its gorgeous premium sponsors, Cassie Bugalski and Christy Doherty. We love you girls. There's so much that crappens. There's so much that crappens. There's so much that crappens.

Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast. The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on ye olde brahvs. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV and the new podcasts, Rose Preaks Podcast, which is a Bachelorette podcast, and Big Brother Smother, which I'm doing with Matt Whitfield, formerly of Watch What Crappens. And I'm here with my lovely, gorgeous, talented, beautifully coiffed Ben Mandelko. Oh. Of B-Side Blog and the Banter Blender podcast.

I only have one side podcast, and I haven't done a new episode for it in several months. But I really – I've been saying it for a while now that I want to bring it back. But someday it will be back. It will come back. There's so many episodes to go listen to. That's true. And I actually – what I really want to do is do a board game podcast. And I don't know if I will turn the Banter Blender board game podcast. Probably not. But I would love is do a board game podcast. And I don't know if I will turn the banter blender board game podcast.

Probably not. But I would love to do a board game podcast. I just have to find the right co-host. And I also have to do something to find the right co-host. Instead of just thinking about it before I go to sleep at night. You have to start seeing who's making people laugh at those board game days at the coffee shop or whatever. Do people make people laugh at those board game days? I don't know days i've never been

to one they sound totally mythical to me but oh my god board games are the best um yeah i'm starting tons of podcasts i'll be starting a canasta podcast when i go home to texas next week just my mom drinking a lot of wine and just telling everybody off just uh send me topics and uh i'll just let ronda go. I swear to God, I want to have a Krappens Catan night still and you, Matt Whitfield and maybe we'll get, maybe like Amy Phillips but at the very least the three of us

will play Krappens. Maybe we'll put the phone up somewhere and just put it on Periscope and people can watch us playing Settlers of Catan and I think that would be amazing. I would love that. All right, everybody. So to find our links,

all of our links that we're about to tell you about, just go to watchwhatcrappens.com. If you want to talk to other listeners about the shows as they air or about these episodes, if you have something to say and you want to talk to us, just come over to facebook.com

slash watchwhatcrappens. And for the bonus episodes and all of our bonus content, we have a ton of it, go to patreon.com slash watch what crappens. And for the bonus episodes and all of our bonus content, we have a ton of it. Go to Patreon.com slash watch what crappens. That's Patreon.com slash watch what crappens. Our mailbag comes out of there. We're having a Google Hangout this Thursday,

which is super fun. And we just did a Food Network bonus episode and laughed our asses off. So those bonus episodes, we're doing those regular full-length shows. This was such a good bonus episode. Okay, let me tell you something, people. So we spent the first half just talking about various apps that you can get, like not food but apps on your phone, but basically apps about food. And we really got into it, and I thoroughly enjoyed that conversation.

And then we switched gears to food network star and i i like this was like one of the most fun conversations we've had in months it was just so fun to just go go deep on that show which we've been doing for the past several bonus episodes but this one today i just felt like i got so much off my chest that really needed to be gotten off that show really does create a lot of anger for anyone who makes an effort to make anything ever. It's like, you can't hold a knife, really? If you like kimchi, be careful, because this show is going to... Kimchi? That's crazy, yo! And I remember when Ina Garten once had a guest on and the guest made kimchi fried rice.

And Ina Garten was like, kimchi? What's that? How fascinating. But you could tell she was just faking it. These people, it was like they had seen something from the far reaches of the galaxy. Yeah, they were about to barf on the floor. It was so, so good and terrible. Yeah.

So everyone listen to that. If you're still watching Food Network Star or you have any passing interest in the Food Network, definitely listen to our bonus episode. So what? So let's get on with the show, Ben. Has the mailman come by lately? You know what? The mailman has come by. In fact, I think I hear the mailman right now.

It's the Kravitz mailbag. It's the Kravitz Mailbag. So we had so many questions last week in the mailbag that we're just going to finish them up. Because I didn't even put up a solicitation for new questions because we had so many last week. And we'll do a new solicitation tomorrow or something. Solicitation. Solicitation. So Joseph asked a very timely question, very worldly

global question. He says, how do you think some of our favorite British Bravo stars like Lisa Vanderpump or DJ James Kennedy, the Ladies of London, or the Real Housewives of Cheshire feel about hashtag Brexit? Oh, Brexit. I'm not sure

I even understand what the hell is going on. So there's the European Union, right? And then all the European countries are, like, joined up with this union. And then the union distributes all this tax money to everybody. And then people started getting pissed off because of the immigration thing and bringing in all the refugees. And they're like, they're taking our taxes, and that's not fair. And then so Britain was like, bye? Is that basically it?

Sort of. There was a referendum that the Prime Minister David Cameron introduced a few years ago, and they finally had the referendum vote on whether or not to remain or to leave. And the people who wanted to leave used fears of immigration. They really exploited that to get people on their side. And ultimately, it was a very close vote. But I think the people who decided to leave won by 52% to 48%. And people in London and Scotland wanted to stay and everyone else wanted to leave. And it's this big controversy then once they once the vote went through the economy has started to tank and the prime minister said he's going to resign

and now there's like power vacuums on both parties and scotland now wants to secede it's basically a disaster um girl i don't think the housewives or anybody on bravo even understands i mean i read the news i don't even think they would know what to make of it. They'd probably think it's like, I don't know, a new product somebody's selling. It's a cheetah brand. I feel like Julie from Ladies in London is cowering in a closet somewhere

being like, I don't know what to do. Everything's falling apart. I don't even know. Are we still going to have my Earl of Sandwich husband still going to be able to make sandwiches? I don't know. I've burnt the hot cocoa three times this week already. Will I still be able to make sandwiches? Should I switch to cold sandwiches? Brexit!

Jegxit! Jegxit's about to jegxit! I just want, you know, when I was watching David Cameron's resignation speech on CNN, and I just, I did want Caroline Sandberg just to take over the mic, be like, alright, here's how this is going to work. Valentina, go, go send the people out of

the European, I don't know what you would say. Valentina, you can't even fit through the exit. How are you supposed to Brexit, you idiot voter? What sort of idiotic vote was this? All right, we're going to stay in the European Union. I've had enough of this.

Valentina. Valentina. Clear the Brexiters. Clear the Brexiters. My husband may have lost $150 billion overnight, but I've lost Rainier. Pauline. Pauline, we're going to exit the European Union slowly,

slowly, across the English Channel, slowly. Clear the immigrants. Clear the immigrants. Clear the immigrants. Well, the pound is low, but I don't care. The cast of Vanderpump Rules is out there just passing out samples of sangria. It's really good, so whatever.

You'll like it. It's cool. Vanderpump sangria is really cool right guys like we're broke sample okay james kennedy's like listen david cameron you basic bitch all right take a good look at the european union now all right because that's the last you're gonna see of it all those stupid basic bitch immigrants have ruined this country all right all right yeah i boned her right on the top of the mercedes beams of the brexit i'm sorry david cameron i'm sorry you know i was just i got drunk i don't know what happened to me i still want to stay in the european union just just give us another chance to be in the european union david cameron oh god bless them i hope everybody

over there is okay i hope the economy tanks but then, like, levels out or something. I mean, I think the only thing this could have helped is that London, the prices are so high. If you need to buy something and you have some money stashed away, now's the time to buy. I don't think the market's ever going to be this good again in London. Yeah, they're saying it could be a 30-year issue. You know, most children move out of the house. I would say that for a revolution, that's not a bad amount of time. But you know who I think is going to be alright?

I think Magali's going to be alright. You know why? Magali don't take sides. Magali is Magali. They be boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. The pound is like boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, and I'm like ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, and I'm like, you know what? Fine. Magali say, you want a Brexit? Brexit. You want to Brent her? Brent her Macarley say, you want a Brexit? Brexit.

You want to Brent her? Brent her. I don't care. Brexit, Brexit, Brexit. Brent her, Brent her, Brent her. I don't care. I don't care. Leanne, whoa.

Whoa. Brexit, whoa. Brexit, whoa. Whoa, Brexit. Whoa. I wonder what Darby has to say about it all. So what we're doing about the ban this week then? Yeah, I think we're starting to eat in here.

Yeah. Darby! The Brexit base was too low, Darby. I'm just, I just love perfection. I can't just talk to you, I just wish you were here to tell me instructions. Darby, are you listening?

Darby, are you listening? It's time for Brexit, Darby. I voted for the Brexit. Darby, you voted for the Brexit, you idiot, you voted for the Brexit, you idiot. We had to give away your horses. Great news. Now that we've Brexited, I can have another baby

with Ashla. I couldn't have another baby, so I took a poor person's. You know what they say about immigrants? They work away on bar with love if they want,

but there's still a snake in the glass. They can have some bar with love. You can't get bar with love without bar with love about immigrants, they work away at balaclavas if they want but there's still a snake in the grass, they can have some baklava. You can't get baklava without balaclavas on immigrants, no. You can put a balaclava on but he's still got a penis, you've not put a balaclava on that and if he's gonna use it, he's gonna use it. So, leave. I love that five people watched Real Housewives of Cheshire but we cannot ever get it out of our heads. We will never get it and by the way, we're going through every sound clip, okay? This is the perfect reason to go through every sound clip, all right?

Well, what does Camille think about Brexit? Well. How sad that we're going to be celebrating Camille. Somebody else's. Yeah, on the same day that we hear about our friend's siblings. It's so upsetting. I know. Well, you know. Thank you for joining cnn camille

you know i i have to say if i were living in london i would just be drowning all my sorrows in alcohol i think i'm gonna just try one of each of the prime cocktails oh sheena and brexit oh yes also we're really sorry for everybody over there. We don't mean to joke because it's funny. We're just joking because we're joking. But also sorry to the people of Azusa, which was on fire last week. Azusa. Azusa was trying to Brexit with fire.

We're just going to leave Los Angeles right now. Fires are kind of my thing. So, Auntie made one in Azusa. We're just going to leave Los Angeles right now. Fires are kind of my thing. So, Auntie made one in the sofa. We're going to burn a border between us and Los Angeles area. So it can be a crop top. Well, I just... She's all burning a crop top shape in the sofa. Guys, tickets are sold out.

They're all bought by me. Just see me. I'm looking at my list of soundbites here. I don't even remember what half of these are. I've got one that says, yet again, the lion's den. Do you remember what that one was? No, let's see. Yet again, the lion's den.

Magali, something has happened, and I want to find out what. The lion's den. Again. Yep, again, the lion's den. Sweater. and I want to find out what. The live start. I got it. Yep, I got it on the live then. Sweater. Sweater. Girl, shut up. This may be,

I feel like this will probably be Lauren. Girl, shut up. I don't even know what that is. Girl, shut up. It sounded like married to medicine music, but I don't know. It probably was. She's got manners. She's well- to medicine music, but I don't know. It probably was. She's got manners.

She's wild, Brad. She's wild, Brad. She's wild, Brad. You know what they say about those Brexiters? They're wild, Brad. They're wild, Brad. So what else we got in them old mailbags? By the way, Joseph, thank you so much for giving us an excuse to do a bunch of terrible accents and play some old clips.

Oh, yes. But Joseph, thank you so much for giving us an excuse to do a bunch of terrible accents and play some old clips. Oh, yes. We need to warm up our terrible accents for Real Housewives of Melbourne, which comes back the 22nd of July. You insignificant ass, eh? Yes, eh? So Marg Knapp says, imagine Bethany was able to choose tattoos for a couple other housewives. Think of Impractical Joker season three with Jaden Smith on Sal's thigh. Okay. I don't actually watch that show, but I'll take your word for it.

Who, what, and where would she pick? What tattoos would she put on someone else? I think it's a, for me, it's a pretty easy answer. It would be the skinny girl logo on everyone. Okay. You know what I mean? I just, you know, you're going to be, you're going to be my brand ambassador. Okay.

Except for Sonia. Okay. Like it's a little too much. It's like a cheater tattoo. Okay. But like everyone else, skinny girl. Okay. I get it? I just, you know, you're going to be my brand ambassador, okay? Except for Sonia, okay? Like, it's a little too much. It's like a cheater tattoo, okay? But like everyone else, skinny girl, okay? I get it. Like, it's like too much. Like, literally, like, if you don't put this tattoo on, like, literally, like, I'll be on the floor crying. Like, literally, I'm bleeding everywhere.

I'm crying. I can't. Literally, take the tattoo. I'd like to think that she would just, like, really stick with her shtick this season and just put a tattoo on her own forehead that says, I'm bleeding, okay? Like, what are you going to do? Like, I'm bleeding. Like, seriously? P are you going to do? Like, I'm bleeding. Like, seriously? Puddles up my feet. Like, I'm bleeding. Maybe she'll just tattoo a box onto

Kristen Tickman's leg. Like, okay. Seriously? Enough with the boxes. Like, literally, I can't. So, okay. You know what? You have a box. Okay. You are literally, you are the box. Okay? Like, okay. So, like, this is your brand. Your brand is the box. Okay? I get this. This makes sense to me. Okay? So, I get that. Just go. Don't be an addict. Okay? Do it this. This makes sense to me. Okay? So, I get that. Just go. Learning Annex.

Okay, do it. Now. Walls are out. Thanks a lot. Now, always be outside the box. Like, I can literally not get into this box. It's on my leg. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Like, I can't even do that right. Fucking idiot. Jesus. And she probably also just, like, tattoos slut onto Luann's back. Yes. I think that on Sonya's ankle, she would tattoo, like, a Facebook invite that Sonya's not a part of. So every time Sonya tried to make pickles go to the link, she'd be like, it's not showing up for us. She'd be like, damn that Bethany. Maybe a red balloon onto Dorinda.

A red balloon. Richard always said, if you wind up getting a red balloon tattoo on your ankle, that means he's trying to say hi. So he's saying hi. Look, look, it was either that or a pile of change. But, like, you know, that would take forever. It would cost too much money. Like, what, am I going to put change on your ankle? I already got one.

She'll post literally I can't onto Erika Jayne. Literally, like, I can't. Like, I don't get it. Like, I don't get your alter ego. Like, are you a wife? Are you a singer? Like Like I can't. I don't get it. I don't get your alter ego. Are you a wife? Are you a singer? I can't. Okay, it's fine.

Do your thing. Okay, it's fine. I don't get it. It's fine. She just put something that says, my brand is blank. All right? When you come up with it, write it down. Okay?

Seriously. Literally. What am I going to do? Fill in the gaps. Literally, I can't. I can't do the gaps for you. I can't even go into the gap. literally like i can't like i can't do the gaps for you like i can't i can't even go into the gap okay i can't like maybe banana republic but like i don't even eat bananas okay like i can't like literally it's like too much it's too much like literally i'm on the floor

crying right now if you ask me that question i'm gonna call it sad libs not a cheetah brand okay like came up came after way after mad libs okay totally not the same thing i feel like she'll tattoo onto all of her assistants at the company. She's going to tattoo, what's the matter? What's the matter? What's going on? What's going on? All right.

What's happening? What's the matter? That's actually how she addresses them. Okay. What's the matter? There's what's the matter, what's the matter, and what's going on. That's the name of her assistants. What's the matter?

Give me the coffee. What's the matter? Xeroxes? What's the matter? What's the matter? Talk to what's the matter? Give me the coffee. What's the matter? Xeroxes? What's the matter? What's the matter? Talk to what's the matter? Yes, Bethany. What's going on? What's going on? Can you just

get some lunch for what's the matter? It's like her own Laurel and Hardy routine. What's the matter? What's going on? Hey, who's on what's the matter? Who's on what's the matter? Huh? Hey, well, did what's the matter? What's the matter? What's going on? Hey, who's on what's the matter? Who's on what's the matter? Huh?

Hey, well, what's the matter coming yet? Hey, hey, these flowers are dead. What's the matter? What's the matter? These flowers are dead. Are you going to fix them? What's the matter? It's the flavor of popcorn.

Delicious. What's the matter? Huh? Hey, how many appointments do I have today? What's going on? What's going on? I feel like I'm working all the time. What's the matter? Everywhere I go, people are saying, what's the matter?

I'm stressed out. What's the matter? What's the matter? Have a good night. What's the matter? You on vacation? What's the matter? Hey, what's going on?

What's the matter? Hey, what's going on? What's the matter? The poor other what's the matter is like sitting there all alone, feeling left out. I just... What's going on? What's the matter? What's the matter? Hey, what's the matter? We need a new water bottle in the machine. What's the matter? Hey, look, we got a new...

Hey, what's going on? What's the matter? We got a new assistant, all right? I'm bleeding. Like, literally. Literally. He's Hey, look, we got a new assistant. Hey, what's going on? What's the matter? We got a new assistant, alright? I'm bleeding. Like, literally. She's like, hi, guys. New assistant's name is, you get tattooed, like, literally. Like, literally, what's the matter? Like, literally, what's the matter? Her name is, I'm bleeding.

I'm bleeding. Hey, why are we spending all these money on band-aids every month? Like, it's ridiculous. It's literally disgusting. But that girl's always bleeding. Jesus Christ. Idiots. What's the matter? Get a Band-Aid.

Do you want me to go? No, I said, what's the matter? Not what's the matter. No, get a Band-Aid. Sit down. I didn't tell you to move, stupid interns. What's going on? Can you fix this?

I'm bleeding already. Get me you fix this i'm bleeding already get me touched i'm bleeding oh god yeah no i want to order my sacred but like i'm literally bleeding like it'll be eating myself like seriously literally gross hey i'm bleeding welcome to the team what else we got in there bethany makes so much more sense when you realize that all the things she says all the time is just her addressing her assistants like she's always so bossy oh no she's actually just referring to her assistants speaking of sonia did it sent a tweet this week and one of you guys retweeted it to us it was hilarious sonia sonia's like i can't figure out which is the send thing on the fax machine like is it sending or is am i getting a fax or is it going like i don't know that was her twitter that was her twitter

like what is she doing i think she was trying to just tell siri something but she hasn't figured it out yet and just tweeted it out. Was she trying to fax instructions to someone about how to use their VCR? Like, is that what was going on? Look, I thought it was an economical way to get pickles back to Belgium, but her hand just will not fit through the machine. It's so old. Listen, I invested in a fax paper company 10 years ago, and I've got all these rolls of spiral-bound paper. Well, that doesn't make sense.

Paper that's inspiring, you know. You know what I'm talking about with fax paper. Who cares? Pickles is now smushed into a fax machine. It's like slowly dying to a but first there's a cover sheet that comes through page one of two Pickles dead body and then Pickles

just gets faxed through one long banner of fax paper bless her heart you know when fax paper gets messed up and it gets a real all squiggly that's what Pickles looks like Oliver Haskins, we love Oliver You know when a fax paper gets messed up and it gets all squiggly? Yes. That's what pickles look like. So Oliver Haskins.

We love Oliver. He has a question for you, Ronnie. And he says, Ronnie, the Holiday Inn of Florida called, and they would like an apology for the tub incident that you discussed on a recent podcast. You are allowed to consult with one housewife for the apology. Who do you choose? Kyle, Ramona, or the regional choice, Elsa Patton? Oh my god, Elsa Patton would be hilarious.

I'm calling you about the poopoo in the bathroom. It was the spirit of the poopoo. The spirit ate some corn chips and made a poopoo in the bathroom.

Marisol! Marisol! By the way, we should point out that we're not making fun of the fact that Elsa had a stroke. This is just the way her voice sounded like before the stroke. This is how Mama Elsa always has talked, Marisol. Marisol. Bless Mama Elsa's heart. Bless her little heart. Yeah, we're not Frankie Grande, a-hole.

Yeah, exactly. He moved his fish. When he made fun of Mama Elsa, he moved his face like it was caught by a fish hook or something. Which, I mean, look, he ain't the only person to ever make fun of a bad facelift. But considering you're a walking bad facelift, Frankie Grande. By the way, just a quick side note. Last week when we did our Big Brother preview, one thing that we noticed about Jose was that his favorite Big Brother player of all time was Frankie Grande. And we're like, well, because of this alone, he's going to be awful.

And guess what? Living up to the hype. Thank God. I hope he is out this week I hate that guy he's like I'm the messiah of the house girl you better step off the bed oh shut up I would only want him to stay because he's so ridiculous but I hope he goes he's terrible well it's him and Paul are both ridiculous but if you get rid of both of them I don't know I feel like the people are crazy enough to make a summer last without those two assholes there. Well, that's the beauty of the show, is that a lot of times in the beginning, there are a bunch of crazies

that get voted out, and then you're like, well, what's next? And then the real craziness starts to come out from the normal people. That's the fun. Like, I want to watch Nicole lose it. I always love that. Oh, no. What's happening? But maybe I won't lose it. What?

All right. Well, Ben. Yes, Ronnie. You know, a lot of people are like, you, Ronnie, you're a web designer. Can you help me with this? And I'm like, me? A web designer? Hardly. But I do create fantastic-looking websites using Weebly, okay?

I still cannot believe how easy Weebly makes it. Yeah, it's Wellbrad websites. Weebly is Wellbrad. It's Wellbrad. Weebly is Wild Brad. It's Wild Brad. Weebly has created for people with the courage, I'm sorry, Weebly was created for people with the courage to start their own business and the dream to be their own boss.

Oh, Weebly. Again, you do not need to be a web designer or know how to code to create a beautiful website, blog, online store. Sweeter! We were all very impressed with the wide variety of professionally designed, mobile-friendly themes to choose from. You know, because Magali's Magali.

Then you simply drag, drop, drag, drop, drag, drag, drag, drop, drop, drop, to quickly build and publish your site. Even Leanne can do it. Whoa! Too easy, Leanne. Whoa! And you can truly customize, update, and change your site anytime you want on any device. So listen up, you insignificant ass hair.

Join the 30 million people who are already dreaming big with Weebly. Get started today for free at weebly.com slash watch. Get started today for free at weebly.com slash watch. That's W-E-E-B-L-Y dot com slash watch. weebly.com slash watch. Dab. Go to weebly.com slash watch. So thank you very much, Weebly.

Thank you. I love a little drag and drop. Me too. Okay, so what is on our agenda today, Ben? Well, we have our usual top of the week shows. We have Orange County, we have Southern Charm, and we have some She Has a Sense Yet. Oh, Little Shaws. Okay, so some big shows today.

What do you want to start with? I think we have to always start with Orange County. I mean, it is Orange County. Even though not a huge amount happened in the episode, it's still, you know. Really? You wouldn't know from my 30 pages of notes. I know. Me too.

I took notes on, like, everything. I'm like, and then Vicky picked up a pocketbook. I don't know if I said this last week, but it was still bugging me this week when Tamara's like, Previously, on the real hot sides, like, Tamara's all nice now because She supposedly found some She found somebody I'm not sure who she found under the water But she found somebody She's not necessarily nicer But she's definitely more chipper

But anyway she's like Previously on the real She found Tori She found Nemo She probably kidnapped Nemo in the first place She's like flush the toilet batch Give it to that stupid fish It's a batch to my son She found Nemo. She probably kidnapped Nemo in the first place. She's like, flush the toilet, bitch. Give it to that stupid fish.

It's a bitch to my son. Spoiler alert. I found Dory and Nemo, okay? And I'm still hotter than both of them. I ate them because I need protein. Bitch. So she's like, previously, and then it shows Vicky with that conversation with Heather, which we open with on the boat. But I love that Vicky was saying, listen, Heather.

You know, she's talking in her whisper voice because that's when she's trying to feel things. Heather, you know, like it was hard. Like I'm trying. I was slipping. I'm wanting. I was like, oh, what are you, just like have an apostrophe at the end of every word now because you're innocent, Vicky? No one's buying it, Hick. an apostrophe at the end of every word now because you're innocent, Vicky. No one's buying

it, Hick. It's like when I talk with a Texas accent when I make mistakes waiting tables because people are like, oh my god, he's Southern. Be nice. Let's still tip him. Stupid Vicky. Exactly. Okay, so that's all I have to say. Bye, everybody. Thanks for listening.

That sort of sums up the whole episode, right? If I'm going to piggyback on something from last week, I just want to echo what you had mentioned again, which is that Tamra is looking so good this season. She really, really is. Like, good for her. She may be a crazy, evil biatch, but man, she looks good. So that kind of trumps it all. It can show you even satan can find a decent

facialist if he looks hard enough after years and years her possum face is diminishing leading way to whatever this face is that's semi-cute so congrats last week i was so excited for the show to be back i really did not realize how terrible all the clothes were in the opening yeah i didn't notice that either. Oh, my God. Holy cutout, Batman. Yeah. Yeah, this is a big cutout cast.

It's like a big rayon cutout cast. I think Vicky has that twisted rope that goes over a shoulder, you know, holding her cutout up. shoulder, you know, holding her cat out up. Well, I wonder if there's a correlation between how suburban these casts are and how many cutouts their dresses have. Because Dallas had crazy cutouts during their reunion, and they were pretty suburban.

They were a very suburban cast. And OC is the suburbs, too. So there must be something, something in the suburban water that's causing these crazy cutouts. Although nothing could compare to last season, the thing that Meg and King Edmonds wore where like her her like skinny abs were sticking out like the strange like diamond shape on her dress oh yeah poor megan bless her heart megan's also looking very pretty this year yeah she always was pretty although she's she's looking a less like stick figure

but she's like um fillered this year i think people called her anorexic so she got fillers to like fill out her face so she could like have an eating disorder in peace i mean jesus christ people um but they look good um okay so we'll actually talk about the show now so the boat there we we get back on that stupid dinner cruise that heather manipulated everybody into not fighting by saying that harry could have i'm harry terry could have maybe one day died of something that he didn't have and wasn't gonna die from right yeah vicky's doing that you know trying waiting praying and heather's like look here's what i'm saying v. You had doubts at some point about Brooks. So why didn't you call me and say, Heather, you were right.

You were totally right. She's like, well, you know, I just don't understand sign language, Heather. So I didn't know how to say it. No, I don't know how to use. I don't know how to use a phone, you know. It's ringing and ringing, you know. And I'm dialing and dialing. Every time I want to talk to somebody, Heather, I go over to the phone on the wall,

and then I hear Ma, and they're playing cards, and I say, Ma! I just go to the kitchen where the phone is on the wall, and I see there's no casserole on the new counter, and I just start crying, crying and crying. I thought I called you, but I was just talking to Ma. She said, you sorry you didn't do anything vick you're a good girl and i said thanks heather when you know went back to bed we're always done with it also heather in this scene goes because of course vicky will never admit anything she's everyone knows that you know and heather do it too but she tamra would just stab her and she doesn't want to ruin the christ storyline this early on so she just lets her go

and vicky's like i wasn't prepared to be in a lie yes you were and then heather says talking to vicky is like being on a hamster wheel and as a gerbil i find it very offensive Gerbils do not run on wheels. Hamsters do. Get it straight, you racist. Being a gerbil is not a race, okay? Especially in the face. I also liked when they cut to the party upstairs. And Gina, she has this monotone way of talking. Sometimes she's like, she's ready to cry.

You guys haven't made an effort. They're like, fuck you, Gina. If I had wine, I'd throw it in your face all over again. I mean, it was brave of you to show up on this boat in something that's not made out of plastic because you're about to get sprayed, Shamu. Yeah, Gina's like, guys, you need to make an effort, okay? Because Vicky, like, she was almost crying.

She was almost there. Almost did it. Yeah, well, I love Tamara's Christian. And by the way, I'm not making fun of Christians. I'm making fun of fake-ass Tamara's bullshit Christian story, because I ain't buying this for a second. When Tamara goes, yeah but gina is always like this she's like always sticking up for the victim like who does that the good samaritan i've read the bible okay there's a story about a good samaritan you know you know how that ended he

got robbed and raped and murdered and left in the road by the person he was trying to help it's like that's not how it happened tamra finish the bible tamra yeah god forbid someone stands up for the underdog you know i wonder if there are any sort of major religious leaders who did that maybe some that have been governing your life recently and in strong ways i wonder i won't be friends with her again because i'm not going to be friends with a whore it's like uh actually jesus's best friend was a wh horse so baby rethink and then of course heather's advice to vicky back down on the back of the boat where vicky's putting apostrophes on the end of sentences heather's like my advice to you is to have conversations with everyone separately i'm like no one asked

you for advice yeah but you know that heather's trying to be nice because she's doing this thing where instead of talking with claw hands she's raising her arm and kind of doing that like rap thing where you're going yes what and she's like loosening her hand it's like look i'm being friendly my hand's just loose while i talk to you over the roof she also sometimes does the eyedropper the downward facing eyedropper where where her fingers, it's like she makes a claw hand and then she closes it. And then she keeps it closed and just, like, points it down as if she's making little eyedropper movements, you know? She does that, too. It's actually more like a chicken head.

It's like a chicken head. Vicky tells her, well, you know, I'd do anything for my men. Like, really? Because you just dumped Don. Yeah. Really? No reason, except calling you a stupid bitch at a party. Get out of here.

Well, you know, he chipped my Caliente sign. What else was I supposed to do? I'd do anything for my men, except give Don the pillows from the couch, because he doesn't deserve them. I worked! Tamara, are you leaving? Oh, so Vicky's leaving as the victim. And Tamara's like, you're leaving? And Vicky's like, yeah, bye, Tamra.

And Tamra's like, uh-huh. And she just looks at her phone. And then Vicky goes, bye, Shannon. And Shannon goes, bye. She just goes, bye. David, David, someone's saying bye to me. Some traitor is saying bye to me. Did you hear Vicky say bye?

Oh, how dare she? I love that Shannon's just offended at everything. Vicky did bye to me. Did you hear Vicky say bye? Oh, how dare she? I love that Shannon's just offended at everything. Vicky did nothing to her and said, look at Vicky over there eating her salmon. Disgusting. You know, I couldn't be more excited that she's leaving. Although, truthfully... Am I excited?

No. No. Which, by the way, she did like a million times this episode. She was like, do I want to go to this restaurant? Yes. Yes. Yes. It's a Valentine's Day? It is.

Yes. It is. It is. It's Valentine's Day. Is it Christmas? No. No. President's Day?

No. No. No. Is it David's cheating day? Anniversary? No. Well, sort of. I mean, he cheated so much.

I mean, but I'm over it. Not that I know of no so kelly now we're with newbie kelly someone on our facebook but someone please explain her eyebrows yeah i just want to say though that when vicky left the boat she had one again she was in their interview she did the typical thing where she as you said like with her voice when she does her like i'm sad voice, she gets very throaty. And she has this high-pitched falsetto throaty voice. And she's like, I'm sad. The women lost respect for me.

And compassion. I just thought it was funny she said respect. I just want to be loved and accepted. Hashtag club detox. Hashtag new cancer charity. You think Vicky's coming out with a new charity for cancer like basically vicky to apologize to everybody vicky has created a tax shelter for herself for people who possibly really do have cancer you fucking robber are you kidding

me well anyway going on so now to what you were saying, now I've got a pitchfork. I'm ready to go for Vicky. I'm like, wait a second. I passed that note. So Kelly's at home with her weird eyebrows. Can't explain them. I would guess that she just has one strip of wax that she puts in the middle. She's probably got like baby Lebanese child eyebrows. Oh, yeah.

And then she has her cute little daughter. This girl, she is trapped in this crazy k kooky household she's got banged up knees who knows how those where those came from it's like the night i met your father she's yeah she's got a cough and kelly's like here take a swig of cough medicines the girl does like a shot like but like not she literally does a swig what is happening here what something is i feel like this is not good mothering she's like my stomach hurts well yeah no wonder you little alcoholic yeah and then and then kelly's mom who has like maltese hair comes in and's like what's going on what's going on i'm like it's such a kooky world that these people are living in the mom just looks

totally confused with her weird wig i was was like, what did you say? What did she even say? It's like, well, it's just gone. Yeah. The fake, the way she has, like, she's always wearing, she has a fake tan, a strange blonde wig, and some sort of, like, oversized sweater or whatever. And she walks around in a strange gait, so everything rattles on her. So her wig is shaking, her sweater's shaking, all her jewelry is. It's like,

it's not right. And you know that there's major fights in that household, because the grandma always shows up looking terrified. She's just, like, terrified. She just grabbed her wig off the nightstand, put it on. It's always, like, in a different place. She's like, Yeah, it's like,

it's like an unkempt Sia sia wig so the kid is trying to stay home from school and the husband's like well maybe she's sick and uh kelly is like no you are going to school that's it like honey she's gonna be left behind we voted for bush like we can't do that so now for heather and terry packing for miami that was the whole scene yeah pretty much i mean that was it she's like you're going to school yeah so yeah heather and terry are packing to go on a stupid trip to turks and cacos which heather since when does an entire camera crew fly you to turks and cacos for one person's stupid family life. Yeah, that was stupid.

And it was a very dull storyline. But what we did learn in this scene was that as they're packing for Florida, Terry's like, yeah, that party last night was awkward and strange. And man, I only got three hours of sleep and then was up doing surgery. And then I'm like, are you crazy? You did surgery on three hours of sleep and then was up doing surgery and then i'm like are you crazy you did surgery on three hours of sleep no i know doctors have you know you know doctors when in the

when they were like residents get no sleep but i feel like that is not um great for the patient no kidding that's so fucking dangerous well thank god you have a show called botched that you can fix them yeah the faces you fucked up when the season starts yeah seriously um yeah he talked about how much he worked and then heather did a lot of stuff like well terry i keep calling him harry terry promised that he would start working less like heather you built a mall yeah like you can't ask for a claire's boutique with a frozen yogurt machine and a slice of Sbarro and then expect him to work last year. Yeah.

And please don't make this your storyline for the season. Cause you've done it every season. We get it. He works a lot. We don't care. We really don't care. He's not a central cast member. Okay.

Do something interesting. Go, go back to Hollywood. I like when you audition for shows and then brag about them. That's fun to me. Yes. I want you to say Reba McEntire.

And until you do, I'm done with you. Yeah. I love that her kid is auditioning for the talent show with the Meghan Trainor song because I was like, oh my God, this is like every child who just likes Cheetos. I'm singing a Meghan Trainor song. It's like, this girl has done more for childhood obesity if only mama cast could have had a life when she was younger

oh my god you know megan trainer her entire career was built on the idea that her music would then be licensed out to talent shows i firmly believe this she's like sitting back with a popsicle Like I did it I fucking did it My name is no My name is no My name is no No no no

I can totally see 6th graders doing a sassy lip sync to that In every school across America I don't even know what that is I just know her like big girl song Where she's like It's all about the bass And then she has that other it's all about the bass. Yeah. And then she has that other songs like dear man.

Every song sounds the same. It's like a weird modernized fifties thing. Yeah. I'm not even going to go there. I can't, I can't. It's that poor girl rolling around in her grave. The rehab chick,

Amy. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Young fat person stealing my life. So then we had like a below deck montage where all these panels swinging in and out so we see what everyone's up to and we settle on um tamra's life where ryan shows up in really the most white trash monster truck thing you could find it was just this big wheel contraption you know you've seen them before

it's i'm pure white pure white trash to any of our listeners who have them i'm terribly sorry for passing judgment on you but the reality is this is how i think most people see those vehicles really white trash yeah those are those are pretty big when i go to texas i take pictures of them because there's so many of them in the parking lots and then like you'll see one Prius in all of Texas and it'll be like shoved in between these gigantic monster trucks and then the person getting out of the Prius is like this like kind of big huge hippie You know with Whole Foods bags in the trunk and then the people that get out of the monster trucks are they like these little Shorts scrawny or yeah, I was like big pot bellies who are like

These little, short, scrawny orbs with big, pot bellies who are like, yeah, brah! Yeah, I mean, why do you need those giant tires and then the chassis raised above it like three feet? Are you planning to drive over, like go into a junkyard as a shortcut to get to the highway? Like just go right over all the trash? They're going to go right over all the trash. When people talk about how suburbia has taken on the SUV, and people are like, what do you need an SUV for in suburbia? Well, that's a good question. But an even better question is, why does anyone need a monster truck? Ever.

Anywhere. Well, I can answer that. Parents need SUVs so they can have a movie theater for their children so they don't have to listen to them bitching the whole day which i'm totally pro and i get that i'm guessing the monster trucks well most of them carry stuff that actually carry stuff in the trucks but um you still don't need a monster but from the commercials what i gather is that people really love driving in mud because every monster truck commercial they're like monster truck and then you see it splashing through mud like it's no big deal yeah wait no those are for pickup trucks okay there are no

monster truck commercials monster truck for a monster truck that means you have to get like your vehicle modified i assume i'm not an expert on this maybe you can get a a fresh brand new monster truck right off the assembly line but i think you basically get one thing and then you you get it souped up and it becomes a monster truck and it looks ridiculous i mean what are you do i again you know like what you said that suv i understand really i do understand because there's more seating and since everyone has to have like a million car seats now you need to have an suv for that but like the monster truck in orange county there is no mud in orange county well in orange county the women can get boob jobs to feel better.

They have not perfected the dick surgery yet. So until they can make tiny penises way bigger and impressive, people are going to have monster trucks. And that's just when you see them shake your head and say, bless your tiny penis. Yeah. And is there anything less surprising than Ryan showing up with a monster truck in Tamra's driveway? No. Oh. And he walks into the house. He goes, you cooking smells like farts it's like every yelp review he's ever written you know he's that guy on yelp he's like but tasted like a fart

one star trying to use food or fart food you decide yeah so um in case people didn't know the gossip uh about ryan uh since the last season he and sarah have not only broken up but they've had like these crazy crazy um fights and feuds whatever police have been called and i think maybe he was arrested and there's been allegations of abuse and then he says that she's crazy and that's really dirty and nasty right yep and and of course tamra's like yeah well it is fart so i saw sarah the other day and he's like where'd you see sarah well in the grocery store and then like ava turned around and she saw me and she pointed at me and she you know like she recognized me and then you know she tried to tell her mom to make me stay under

the bed like what does that mean it's like you're the monster under the bed tamra she's terrified she's like saw me and started herself on fire i just don't get it batch she's like ava saw me and was like oh my god it's a monster but holy shit that is the hottest monster i've ever seen it's the hottest monster in orange county oh my god batch i i was like thanks ava betch ava had her time hit her tiny face between i mean behind a head of garlic but then she kept peeking out at my butt because it's so good and then it was like wow wow wow smells like farts wow wow wow you know where farts come from? My hot bat. Batch. And the son is,

she's telling him like, well, you know, look, I brought her into my life. So like, like I see her, you know, and then like,

she wants to gossip with me. And I'm like, I don't want to be in the middle of your problems. Like, yeah, right. Yeah. Right.

Why are you still friends with this woman? Okay. Like even, I mean, I mean, we, we probably have to assume that Ryan is probably at fault for a lot of the chaos that's happened. But still, you should not be friends with Sarah.

Kind of. But then she's just learned because her teenager like did the thing where she divorced her mom or whatever and said she didn't want to live with her. So she's already being totally rejected by her. And then her son is in a monster truck and trying to pretend he's in like a community theater version of sons of anarchy like you want something to hold on to god bless her well i mean i i think if if you were to make any inferences it probably is that her son majorly fucked up she knows it she still wants that relationship with the granddaughter and you know she's she's not going to blame sarah for her her son's craziness right so that's i'm assuming that's

probably what's going on but could be wrong but because you know when tamra talks to her she's like yeah brian is like that but like the thing is like you know he's he takes a swing at you but he doesn't mean to hit you you're supposed to move out of the way like it's family you know he's he takes a swing at you but he doesn't mean to hit you you're supposed to move out of the way like it's family you know when family takes a swing at you you're supposed to take it and her uh her version of the story is like yeah they've been fighting and like calling the cops and you know like one day brian just very calmly said like i can't do this anymore like uh actually i think he threw like a microwave at her head. Yeah, but it was a calm throw.

It was like, you know, like catch. And then she just used her head to catch it, which is so stupid, stupid betch.

So Tamara's like, uh, yeah, now Brian lives in an apartment and of course she lives in the house that I paid eight grand for her to move into. So, great.

Which is shady. That was stupid of you to do that in the first place. It is shady. But I feel like, yeah, I don't know. I can't even make any inferences anymore because I'm so confused about the whole situation. It's just white trash being white trash my trash girl that's all it is and they just they just being like extras on cops you know how you know how it goes and then this is our first of this show facebook conversation where sarah's mad because ryan's all over facebook and instagram and she thinks that he's cheating on her

which he probably is which we've learned from from Bravo means that your man is cheating on you. And, uh, he's like, well, whatever, like Facebook. And,

uh, she's like, yeah, but that's how you met on Instagram. So. Yeah. I mean, I mean,

we, I think we all saw this coming. Like what happens when Tamara's trashy son meets a lady on Instagram? Well, you're going to have a trashy outcome. I'm such a snob, I know. But I can't help it. Well, but I mean, when Tamara says she feels guilty, I don't know that she should necessarily feel guilty because every boy marries his mother. Yep.

And that girl, like, walking around trying to find someone hot who would make her more popular while she's just dropped four of her own babies with some guy who ain't even there anymore it sounds pretty much like tamra i mean sarah got has it all figured out look she got a house she she's like okay well this guy is skeezy but i've got kids i need a roof over my head i'm sick of living up in ukiah so here i come orange county house in orange county yes and she's gonna get him to pay for half that rent and so to her it's like having a house for 1500 you know she made it this girl did it right yeah you know i am so uh i i've been watching oj simpson made in america the 30 for 30 documentary that's going on and i just watched the second episode which is all about the abusive

relationship between oj and nicole brown simpson and uh you know so now i'm like very attuned to abuse abuse abuse and things like that and uh i could see this going down a very trashy path similar to that yeah guys i hope you can hold it together kids yeah i don't have much hope for either one of you but hey we're all humans all humans. Pat, pat on the head. Now, clear? Clear. Now it's time for the Shannon Bedore Valentine's Day dinner. Is it Valentine's? Yes. Is my

outfit in this interview segment terrifying? Yes. This is the display of chemistry between Shannon and David, which goes like this. So, honey, what did you do today? I walked the hill.

Well, it almost took me an hour and a half to get out of the house, dear. Why is that, David? I couldn't poop. I was on the toilet for 45, dear. And she's like, ha ha ha ha David, so funny. What a funny husband husband what a loving relationship

we have zero negative thoughts today zero zero zero and minus five negative thoughts because they're actually getting happier as i think about him shitting and not being around other women ha ha ha david david happy thoughts we're wonderful so much in common me and david you know david david has issues in the bathroom i have issues in the bathroom. I have issues in the bathroom. Cutting to her having imaginary debris up her ass. David, you know, I go to Dr. Moon. David goes to Dr. Poon. You know how it is.

I'm over it. Not mad. Totally over it. I like to walk up hills. David likes to walk on other surfaces. It's great. David likes to feel the mounds on strangers' chests that he meets on hills on the beach. So there you go.

Together. He's a Grey Goose guy. I'm a Tito's girl. There we go. He likes restaurants that serve sugary beef. I like healthy food. We're just pretty much two peas in a pod. You know, organic peapod. And the waitress, they both order steaks and the waitress is like, lovely choices. Get the fuck out of here. It both order steaks and the waitress is like lovely choices get the

fuck out of here it's two steaks she's like i know it's a lovely choice oh you're talking about the food i thought you're talking about david my wonderful husband i have no issues with whatsoever david's like who was that homely male waiter oh that's right you're so romantic david we're pretending he's not seeing any woman ever. When she said, when he's like, so what'd you do today, dear? And she's like, I walked up the hill. I was like, this is a sad state of affairs. And then he started talking about something else.

Then she just kept on, she started to ramble some more about exercise. Which, did you notice that? She's like, why? I got some exercise. Chemistry is off the charts. My Fitbit got a little sweaty under my wrist, but I called Dr. Moon and he sent me a mango colonic. So it's going to work out. Good news. I checked the chandelier.

It's still working. And I put some potatoes in the microwave and it worked out pretty well. For Valentine's, dear, we had so much at our fake funerals last year that i dug up liz taylor and stole her ross dress for less necklace and re-wrapped it for you it's like oh david well thanks david wow last year david was giving a stranger from the beach pearl necklaces and now it's me i'm over it though i'm totally over it When she pulled that out, it looked like an octopus coming out of a box. Oh, David. David. David. What are these pearls for? David, I've been eating oysters. You never eat oysters.

And she goes, well, I hate it, but you know, David buys me things and often they grow on me and this is just going to take a while. And I was looking at her current necklace and I was like, oh, you poor thing. David was basically buying you jewelry heavy enough that if you ever swim again you're just gonna drown you know that right well remember last year he got her like a bracelet that was like a dragon wrapped around her wrists david david why are you giving me this heavy jewelry

well you know how i always call you the dragon lady dear he's cute, David. I can't wait to wear this when I walk up the hill next time, David. Let's have a dragon theme to celebrate how much of a bitch my husband thinks I am. Woo-hoo! We should have a party to celebrate this necklace. I'm just hoping that David will bring more than two bottles of wine to it. David, David.

No negative thoughts. She actually says, Someday, I hope I'll be happy to say my husband had an affair because look where we were able to go from there and she's like holding this terrible necklace that she hates and then i wrote down like well i wrote down this joke like i mean someday i hope to say i'm happy to be my husband had an affair but i'm not there yet and then she goes but i'm not there yet i was like oh okay but i'm over it just not there yet just not there yet i'm not totally happy my husband had an affair and our marriage hasn't really gone anywhere except uh up the hill

metaphorically like so speaking of celebrating to uh pretend we're not delusional anymore let's move back over to vicky having a party for herself at the Chamber of Commerce. Oh, my. Yes. This cracked me up. I love a good Chamber of Commerce storyline. We had that on, I think, season four of Beverly Hills. There was a lot of Chamber of Commerce stuff there between Kyle and Carlton. That's where we met Carlton.

What a vile woman. You're anti-Semitic. Just because I'm in the Chamber of Commerce with a bunch of Jews does not make me anti-Semitic. Just because I called all those Jews bee killers doesn't mean I'm anti-Semitic. I'm pro-bee. I loved this Chamber of Commerce party because

to me, I love when these shows in the midst of their attempts to to present the glamorous lives of rich rich women have a really mundane event like a bunch of people gathering in an insurance office with the mayor of rancho santa margarita all talking about on a cheap ass microphone talking about all the wonderful things in the community i love that oh just go ahead and put that sheet cake on top of the copy machine. We're not going to be using that for a while because we're having a party. Woo-hoo! Whoop it up!

And Vicky keeps on talking about, she kept on talking about LaTip. I don't remember what LaTip was. She kept going, hey, you remember when I started the tip? Hey, remember the tip? Remember the tip? I was like, that's what got you into this mess. Okay. And God bless the editors giving a flashback of Vicky falling over at her award ceremony in 2008.

And the best part, one thing I don't think I even appreciated at the time, when she falls over, because I watched it again like five times in a row. Every time she falls over at the end, you hear jenny go oh there's a step there but they put that clip in right after vicky's like oh everyone this is my legacy and i'm so proud that my son michael is gonna be here to carry out the legacy of legs and he's like hey remember when you fell yeah oh there's step there she's almost crying guys no one helped her up You fell? Yeah. Ooh, they stepped there. She's almost crying, guys. No one helped her up. That shit made me laugh way too hard.

Oh, my God. I mean, the amount of flashbacks that these editors have at their fingertips on any given episode is unparalleled. I mean, you could, in could in fact like I am ready to have a flashback to the football hitting Vicky in the face and like have us where's that flashback we need to bring that one back it's just putting a thing from friends oh look what I did I want Michael to

one day be able to say his mom built this business as a single woman. Like, uh, you've been single for like two years, Vicky. Okay.

Did not build this as a single woman. I know. Just amends her own history. Like we haven't been watching this show for 13 years or whatever. I know. But you know, you know, as much as we talk about Vicky and as much as she's getting involved in these

shady things, like the cancer stuff and the club detox and bloody piggies etc. I do really enjoy that Vicky has built a little insurance company because all the women on The Real Housewives

they come on the show and they get stars in their eyes. They want to be like Bethany and they have these crazy entrepreneurial dreams that are just so oftentimes wacky or not thought through and you know vicky has an insurance company i think that's kind of cool yeah she has like an actual thing like now whether it actually pays anybody out ever is another question because you know vicky will be like what hurricane you know that's an act of whoever it's not me i'm doing that. I would love to see a show that's just Vicky at the office. When they show that snippet of the office manager coming in and Vicky being like, $7,432.

Well, I got to check my files now because something's not adding up. And she walks out. I was like, I want to know what's going on. Now, that's a spinoff. That is a spinoff that people would actually watch. It's like a reel of The Office. Yeah, exactly. Remember when Bravo tried to do LOL Works?

No, that was not what they should have done. They should have done Vicky's Office. Vicky Works. Vicky Works. You got time to woohoo. You got time to tape something. It's like some terrible thing that makes no sense. It's like the middle-aged mundane version of Vanderpump Rules.

Full-step insurance. middle age mundane version of vanderpump rules insurance term insurance okay so let's see tamra's talking about sarah blah blah blah well actually oh wait did i miss the dubros yeah but nothing happened it's the dubros are in the turks and cacos but now tamra is sore um and um so now i do want to talk about the scene with tamra and eddie because they're talking about ryan and oh yeah yeah sorry i just saw the word heather and then i scrolled down really far so i don't have to see anymore the heather's human is nothing so um so they're talking about dealing with Ryan because, you know, he owes like the money that he owes money on that house, right? Because Tamara was supposedly a loan of $8,000. And Eddie wants the money back.

And Tamara's like, well, it's family. You know, when you lend to it, you can't expect to get it back, yada, yada, yada. And Tamara has this whole thing where she's like she's like you know eddie and i were just raised differently betch like he was adopted so he does things for himself because he was adopted whereas i have a different outlook i'm like yeah and look at where your outlook has gotten you you had no kiddings two like a horrific horrific marriage a son who's a disaster children who don't speak to you anymore i mean i don't that's mainly simon's fault but like don't act like eddie is the crazy one here no kidding like yeah but he's

adopted so he doesn't get it i'm like uh his parents are still more stable than yours and no one even knows who they are yeah exactly like i can i can make a bet confidently that his parents are better than you are. If I were Eddie, I'd be infuriated. He is. Eddie looks like he's about to fucking pop the entire time. I mean, that guy's humongous. He never leaves the gym. He's like, I'm back here just to look on Facebook, and I'm back out.

He barely looked at her through most of this scene. Yeah. I mean, the reason why the floors were probably warped at Cut Fitness is because he's probably been pounding them with his fists. He's so angry. Because this kid owes them $8,000, and he shows up with a monster truck, which does not cost, like, $30, okay? Monster trucks are expensive, okay? And he shows up riding that thing when he owes $8,000. That is balls. And also, did you hear when Eddie, at the beginning of the scene, was like, yeah, I saw Ryan, too.

He's jealous of my motorcycle. Now he wants one. And she's like, oh, with that money that you gave him? Like, Tamara kind of started poking at him. But I just thought, oh, my God, poor Eddie. Like, now you're on a suicide mission. Yeah. When your husband of three years says he got a motorcycle, he's basically like, please kill me.

It's, like, easier than just jumping into a cliff. He's like, I can have fun and then just die whenever you decide, God, just take me, whatever. No, I don't have an inherent problem with parents supporting their kids in that way. When Vicky got Brianna a car or an SUV,

that didn't bother me. I know that there's the conspiracy theory she got her the the car to shut her up about brooks or whatever but either way i think if your kid is like like uh like doing things as like if it's like a reward in a sense not that you should like just give cars as a reward well yeah but i think if you have a difference i mean brianna like brianna has a real job she works her ass off kids she works her ass off she has a husband who doesn't like feet on the couches like you know what it is it's like saying like you know you're a good kid

you're working hard i am a parent i can afford this i'm gonna give this to you because i really you know i love you and you're doing great things. But I think if you have someone like Ryan who's like not have his shit together, you kind of have to. Well, it was a selfish thing. I mean, Ryan didn't necessarily say he wanted to come here. We know that the wife probably did because she's, you know, getting her Insta likes or whatever from the fame. But mostly it was Tamara being selfish and wanting to be around the baby. And so she moved him here, even though they couldn't afford it. They told her they couldn't afford it.

And she's like, well, it's okay. Like, we'll get you a place, batch. Like, you'll make more money in Orange County. Oh, good. We'll get you a place, batch. Yeah, we saw all of this happening. So we know that poor Eddie is just reaping what Tamara sowed, you know. But Eddie is also reaping what he sowed by marrying Tamara when she had already been on air for five years or whatever yep yep yep so now we go to um vicky and kelly having lunch this was

like a first date you know um vicky was just so happy to have a new person that could become her ally and he's like oh yeah i definitely have a whoop it up radar yeah and whooping cough kelly kelly my whoop it our radar was going up you like to whoop it up and she's like what do you mean like whoop it up yeah i like to whoop it up no not well whoop you like to whoop you say like this whoop you go whoop whoop you whoop. You feel that? And Kelly is just, you know, she's just so happy to be, like, on this show and to be making friends with Vicky. You can see it. She's just, like, laughing and saying yes to everything.

And Vicky's just monologuing, much as I often do on this podcast. No, you don't. Oh, my God. Especially with me. Are you kidding? But you know that Kelly is going to turn into crazy. She's going to be nuts. I mean, this episode, we already saw so much crazy.

I can't wait. Is it strange if I say that during this scene, I actually thought that Kelly was kind of endearing and funny? She was cracking jokes in a way that I was like, oh, I could imagine myself having lunch with her and cracking up. Yeah, and she made some 90s jokes, which I like that that's her thing. She's just going to make jokes from the 90s. I think that's hilarious. I'm liking her so far. Yeah, I actually like her too.

I think she's a little nutty, but I actually like her. My favorite part of the scene is that Vicky spends, you know, 10 minutes talking about, oh, you got to whoop it up. You seem like a good whoop it up girl. You got to go whoop it up, got to whoop it up, got to whoop it up. And the waiter is like, OK, what would you like to order? She's like, I'll have salmon with some asparagus. I'm like, yeah, whooping it up. Whooping it up. Way to whoop, Vicky.

Way to whoop. Woo-hoo, salmon with asparagus. It's like Vicky's depressed whoop, and she's like, woo-hoo. This way. Oh, sorry, guys. No guys no no no no go on so i was just gonna say she's trying to have so much in common with this girl megan because usually vicky hates the young one she's like the auto hate which shannon has taken the mantle for the the award for that this year and last year oh well usually it's vicky and uh this girl she's like oh we have so much in common

whoop say it whoop right okay what's your shoe size oh me too what's your sign i mean i don't Vicky and this girl, she's like, oh, we have so much in common. Whoop. Say it. Whoop. Right. Okay. What's your shoe size? Oh, me too. What's your size? I mean, I don't know about size, but I like size. I was on the bus bench once.

It's like, Jesus, Vicky, shut up. I want Shannon and Vicky to become friends again because they are so good at automatically hating younger pretty women that watching them do it together was magnificent. And it's a shame that they have been divided. Yes, it's like only having one of those old men Muppets sitting in the balcony making fun of people. It doesn't make sense. You need them both. And then Vicky starts giving her a sob story.

Like, I really loved him. Like, he's gone now. But, you know, I loved him so much. It was harder, Lulz and Brooks, than it was both of my first marriages. At least I'm not paying for half of his life with Koro. Don almost took the call off the scene. My business

was almost just called Tull. Hey, have you ever fallen down during an award ceremony before? What do you think about pool steps? Apparently, Gina has one never knew all right so let's see i just wrote jesus vicky this is not whooping it up she's automatically like well you know he left me now i'm alone i hate living alone it's terrible

you know i just want my joy back oh yeah brianna's my kid she's got lymph nodes she's got lymph nodes all over her body you know like jeez i feel bad for brianna she really she has these like these health scares every two years it's terrible her body is probably just reacting every time she gets near vicky again she probably just breaks out in a node leave me alone it's like these are actually like the popcorn packing in a ups package just to protect me from your fucking crazy lady yeah seriously so the scene basically ends with vicky declaring that she likes kelly and uh she knows that they have chemistry i'm like yeah that's because you're the only one who talked yes exactly and um she she did not go off about how mean the girls were.

She did not. Because this Kelly girl was trying to not bait her, but, you know, get her to gossip about it. And she was like, oh, well, you know, they're tough girls. That's for sure. Real tough. Like, you know, with knives. The stab you in the throat, the back, the face. You'll bleed to death.

They're great. You'll love them. Fun. Tough. You know, Heather Dubrow literally has claws. Like she's a crab. Don't get that girl talking. You'll lose your nose. So claw your nose right off your face

and not even realize it. You know that game? Where's your nose? Where's your nose? She actually has it. Do you see my nose? Where's my nose? Where's my nose? It's there, Vicky. Oh, woo! Woo! So Megan, earlier in that whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, where we're seeing everybody, we saw Megan ironing and she's like, this sucks. I'm never doing this again. Justice.

Justice. So we go to Megan's and she's like, it's really hard because like jim like i really like my new house except the kitchen it's like gross like uh fascinating so she's having a wall breakdown party with her construction worker melissa mccarthy yes who got her hair blown out for the occasion and is so excited to be on tv that when megan was talking about why she wants you be megan i'm gonna be the i'm gonna be the contractor okay talk about how we'll talk about how it's like the things you want to do to the house like i'm so excited like do you think this yeah like the wall like we should do that to the wall right yeah oh what do you think about countertops like oh good right on like do you like tape yeah i love tape

do you have the blue tape yeah oh my god you're so great yeah do you still know sandra bullock are you trying to real life yeah yeah yeah yeah i like solving mysteries too justice melissa mccarthy justice that that contractor lady was so excited just megan was was just rambling about something and she just she just kept going yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like oh uh so this was to rip down walls or whatever and i'm like why are you giving these women weapons like none of them are good the camera's gonna start sanding down her own face shannon's gonna take that electric saw to some whore's car at the beach like don't give them weapons shannon was really into the role playing of it. She showed up in David's foreman clothes. She's like, oh, foreman Bedore's here.

Going to tear down some walls. Hi, I'm foreman Bedore. Whoa, that's a great deep voice there, Shannon. It's like, yeah, that's right, Bob. I'm construction worker. Okay, over it. You know, I myself have been tearing down a lot of walls. For instance, the walls that were created

between me and David after he had an affair with me on Main. I'm ready to break down these walls. That whore better not be behind it. I swear to God, I'll cut her in half right in your house. Hey, want to play flip cup? You know, when I think about demoing walls, it's great because it's a thought

that pushes out one other negative thought. I wrote, Shannon, demoing walls it's great because it's a thought that pushes out one other negative thought i wrote shannon foreman bedore heather who cares yeah it was this it was a pretty yeah oh heather's scene was basically that they were again trucks and cacos she's ordering champagne and they have a butler named amesworth and uh and then's like, and she's like, I love this. You say something and it appears. I'm like, and when she said it appears, she was actually referring to Ainsworth. I'm like,

don't call Ainsworth it. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries, Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break

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where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month.

Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights.

She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. I ring a bell and it shows up with a cocktail. I love it. It's not a robot. It's not Rosie the robot.

I love that Terry was like, yeah, I've been working a lot. Like, that's his thing, I guess. Like, we know Terry. We get it. He's like, yeah, I've been working a lot. And I really don't see the kids. But to be honest, I really don't feel that guilty about it. He's like, I feel kind of guilty for not feeling guilty about not seeing my kids.

Is that weird? It's like, well, at least you're not feeling guilty about not seeing my kids. Is that weird? It's like, well, at least you're not a sociopath. Heather is going to kill him. She is going to destroy him for that. Yeah, Coco's going to use that against them for the rest of her life. Yeah. You said you didn't care. It's like, well, that was the day you kicked sand in my eyes.

Yeah. I was trying to help you, Dad. Well, Coco, I was making a very nice tim castle for you and you destroyed it so i don't feel guilty about missing you coco like the drink you are not very tasty when you're cold okay warm up coco warm up fuck off mom i actually disagree with you on that point because i've had iced hot chocolate, and it's really good. So now we go back to the demoing where after Kelly has nearly sawed off her own leg, they have now taken off their demolition garb and are sitting in the living room chatting. And Kelly just pipes up and is like, yeah, so I had lunch with Vicky.

And Shannon gives her her classic hate eyes. The judgy eyes, if you will. I have already called this episode The Return of Judgy Eyes. And I have like ten pictures to choose from of Shannon's judgy eyes. I was dying. I had to keep pressing pause. I was like, there's another one! This was

like a judgy eye orgy with Shannon. Yeah, I mean, we love Shannon, but it's time for her to accept the fact that she has very, very judgy eye orgy with shannon i yeah i mean you know we love shannon but it's time for her to accept the fact that she has very very judgy eyes oh so good i was dying watching her judgy eyes so so funny and kelly is giving her plenty to work with yes when kelly calls her standoffish shannon's like well i don't think i'm standoffish i just don't like talking to people who are mean to me was i standoffish no were you drunk yes did you drink too much i think you did did you call my family the university of spoiled

children yes yes did they matriculate there no no did you make a vanilla ice joke i think you did and megan's like oh i would you know like when you come to a party there's rules no politics no religion and no vicky uh i don't think megan is one to talk about social etiquette at parties if i remember all of last season it basically revolved around her bringing up inappropriate topics at parties. Let's talk about the cancer again. Well, I'm glad to see that you dislike inappropriate things now after calling me in the car.

Who's this? I was just trying to bond with you. I was just trying to bond with you, Shannon. And you hung up on me. It was just rude. I was with my children. I sell charities. I sell charities my children. I saw charities. I saw charities, Megan. I make MC Hammer jokes.

So Kelly is yapping along and she starts prying into Tamara. I mean, Kelly's like, I need to make my mark. I need to make my mark quickly. So let's see. Let's move on to Tamara. She's like, so how are your kids? Have you been talking to them recently?

All of them? All at once? On the phone? Do you do that a lot? Tamara's like, Tamara's like, No, they divorced me. Bitch! And she starts crying

and then Shannon is just giving Kelly these terrible looks and I'm dying. There you go, Mr. Year Old. Oh, now I have to rub Tamara's back. You think that feels good? It hurts! My hands are already very sore from all that delving i may be forming my door but i still have delicate hands david david without my eyes i'm just plain old shannon

okay i'm not a superhero uh so they are talking about tamra and uh blah blah blah and vicky i'm going to i like when they were like yeah but, but Tamara goes, well, I get it. But I've had a long history with Vicky, okay? Like, I didn't like Brooks. And so she told everyone I was a piece of shit. I'm like, your retelling of history is almost as delusional as Vicky's, you crazy bitch. Like, you were way more horrible to Brooks before any of this even came out. Yeah.

Tamara goes, and then Vicky cried because no one brought her a casserole and kelly's like a casserole because she ordered salmon at lunch i can't imagine her eating a casserole so good and kelly's like did she ever come in the middle of your relationship and tamra's like yes and they just showed vicky like saying some offhand comment about salmon it's like, yes! And they just showed Vicky saying some offhand comment about Simon. I was like, she did have an opinion, but it's kind of different. Look, I ain't signing up for bricks. I'm just talking about girl code or whatever. I mean, they both failed it, I guess. Yeah.

So then when they start talking about the divorce and Simon and yada, yada, yada, and Tamara starts crying, and then Kelly's like oh I get it I've been there you know I remember when I got divorced from Michael he was like I will not give you a dime I'd rather give it to the lawyer than to give it to you da da da da da da and I'm like oh wow this is your first husband she's like well yeah well we're back together again

now well Shannon got all excited she's like oh so what you're saying is that you are no longer married to the man who fathered your child? You know, she gets all church lady on her. And she's like, oh, no, it's the same husband. I took him back because I figured it would be cheaper. Yeah, she's like, you know, it's easier to be with Michael than to date.

And so even though I was engaged to someone else entirely, I realized Michael's really rich. And he would probably murder me if i strayed too far away so it's easier to be alive than dead i mean he's like a hundred years older than me and he was just pissing that money away and hey look i'm like i i don't even have a job but i plan on retiring soon so i just took him back and uh he's a nazi and i say that out of love you know i say it out of love he He's a Nazi. He's got a huge dick. And, you know, what else does a girl need, really?

But you're in love with your husband, right? Well, you know, he's a really nice person. And then Kelly does the best thing that Kelly does. She makes a huge error and she goes, well, hey, why don't we all go and whoop it up? Oh, no. After saying, hey, you know, it was just easier going back to him. Like, we didn't have a perfect marriage, but I'll just suck it up like my parents did. And Shannon looks like mortified because that's totally what Shannon just did.

She just sucked it up to keep it all together and shannon's like let's face it that's wacko that's just wacko it's like you did it oh my god if someone was trying to unscrew that crystal chandelier with the bluetooth remote you'd stay too and um just to uh remind the people who is the real queen of 90s references after Kelly says we should whoop it up Shannon goes that's what we say all the time not oh damn but I didn't come across

Kelly's 90s joke I primed it but I didn't come across it but it was in there somewhere it was really good she's like I'm a brick wall just kidding that's 70s uh i'm looking through this shannon oh i just want to mention because i think this is going to be important later in the season uh kelly says well he's a nice husband but he does have narcissistic personality disorder we took him together he had a 730 evaluation and it came back positive for narcissistic personality disorder so

what kind of evaluation is that and why have i not had one and how does it come to you pee on a stick i need to learn about this how is he not a reality star sooner i think that's like the requirement is have that 730 evaluation and come back with a narcissistic personality disorder oh god so here's another housewife who came on to basically get the guts and the paycheck to leave her husband. So have fun with that one. We'll see you in divorce court in a couple years, girl. Yeah, exactly. And then the morgue.

Oh, God. Orange County, I love ya. Yes. And next up is the shawls of sunset. The shawls. Why? Jessica, why? All I care about is your relationship That's so Persian

Do white people fuck to jewel? Spoiler alert, that was the best line of the whole thing Yeah, that was also a really disturbing scene You know, if it had been 1991 Reza would have been kicked off the show for rape. Actually, yeah. That was a little real-world Los Angeles reference. People are wondering what else.

Pull that blanket off somebody. Yeah, so... This is a good show to see somebody get their mouth wired shut, though, if we're going to stick with that. Because didn't he pull the blanket off of Tammy, and then she cried rape, and then she got her mouth wired shut after? I was like, this bitch is crazy. and i'm loving every second of it so um uh this was actually a pretty significant episode because it was the episode where mike revealed that he did in fact cheat oh my god he is such a bad liar i can't believe he admitted it he lied through the whole thing so badly and the producers on this show are getting so forward they're getting so aggressive that you

hear them talking on the show now like they're just you hear them trying to talk them into bad shit yeah so did you cheat on jessica no no like i mean no no i mean that's crazy like that's an accusation you just said right there and his eyes are looking everywhere and he's looking around for somebody to save him. Yeah, seriously, my TV almost broke when his Pinocchio nose pierced through it, okay? It was like, what? He was like, so, we'll ask again. Did you cheat on Jessica? These are allegations, bro.

These are allegations. Like, no one wants to say everything, bro. Like, it's everything everywhere. Did you cheat on Jessica? Like, like so i had chicken the other night like what's the big deal like i like chicken that's did you cheat on jessica um no like bro like bro what are you saying like you know i like sneakers that's what i'm did you cheat on jessica yeah okay yeah i did okay yeah i can't like why didn't i i did he also had a jinx moment um jinxed on hbo that wonderful yes documentary he had that moment where he was in the bathroom and he thought his mic wasn't hearing him and he's like oh i fucked up i fucked up really bad

it's like oh jesus you're robert dur-ing it right now? This is not HBO, okay? Makes sense, because every time I think of Mike, I go, Durst. So let's just go through the different characters and what happened. I guess, well, nothing happened with Asa. Shervin, the episode... Asa ate a lot of ceviche. I mean, this bitch ate so much, everything. She's like, ceviche, babe. You know I love ceviche i mean this bitch ate so much everything she's like ceviche babe you know i love ceviche babe you know babe why isn't there any persian ceviche okay babe babe ceviche is

from like the gods it's like gold you know it's like ceviche okay you know my favorite dj is it's a vici because he sounds like ceviche um it's a great great art also did nothing yeah i was like wow good and i love asa's uh how she's always getting on everybody about their relationship she's like well you know babe like a relationship is like one of those things like your friends babe they have to like care and be honest you know i'm like you won't even admit you're like you won't even show your boyfriend on this show all you have to do is show up and get fatter every year. That's all you need to do. She's secretly the smartest one, though,

because the moment her boyfriend shows up on the show, he's going to get torn apart. Everyone's going to attack him. Reza will lead a campaign. When he's off camera, Reza can't do anything about it. Yes, you know he's terrified of Reza. I'm not going on there. And this man put up with Michael Jackson's father.

Yeah, exactly. And Michael Jackson. And Michael Jackson. So then we had Shervin. The episode pretty much began with Shervin and Gigi squashing their beef. Shervin's like, Gold Nessa, I've always had your back. I'll always have your back. You have to understand that, okay?

I was like, but I want to talk about this more. What is there to talk about, Golnessa? Say it, fine. And he was just sort of like exploding out of his little Under Armour. And he's being sarcastic with her and she's like, you were doubting me because,

you say people are doubting me, but you were saying that because you doubted me. I'm like, Gigi, you have raccoon face. You've got dark circles down to your fucking cheek bones because you're drinking and smoking so much. You're making his point. And then she's like, MJ and Nima, get out of here. Like, he'll stop being sarcastic without the attention,

even though there's like 10 cameras surrounding them. Like, what do you think that's going to help? Yeah, that's like her favorite move is like, if she's sort of losing an argument, she'll do a style technique where there's like 10 cameras surrounding them like what do you think that's gonna help yeah that's like her favorite move is like if she's sort of losing an argument she'll do a stall attack which is like i need everyone to get out of here okay like if no one leaves i'm just gonna go i'm like literally just gonna stab myself literally everyone has to get out of here this girl can't even stay on her own fight she's like yeah sure but why didn't you just come to me i'm like he literally walked up to you. He literally came to you and said, this is what's happening.

Everybody is saying this about you. That's exactly what he did, you idiot. But she doesn't remember because she's too drunk. And they did a close-up of her shirt that's like, I am peace. I am Buddha. I am spirit. I'm like, that is some shitty-ass font

from my dad's real estate site 10 years ago yeah exactly and sherman's like in the future when you uh they're going to be disagreements in the future and when they happen you should not be hothead just come and talk about it be normal she's like fine okay let's talk it out and then they are friends again yeah and then beforema before they before they're even done nema scurries back in like yeah oh are you okay is everybody okay in here like silent little nema like his mouth never even moves while he talk he's just like whoa are you okay shirvin okay brother oh vaginas shirvin had a lot of camera time this episode because then um shirin and mike and gg and nema went off to on some sort of like cavern expedition and shervin was like afraid of everything he's like toads toads stalactites

bats i'm not afraid i just don't like them um also mike was beautiful on this stupid cave dwelling thing. He's like, yeah, you know, like this cave thing. Like, it was so good for me because, you know, I've been through a lot of therapy in the past year. And, you know, I'm just learning so much. And this was like therapy. Like, you've done nothing but lie and cheat multiple times. What are you talking about? This was nothing like therapy. Does this guy even say one honest thing

and it's he's so phony this guy i used to really like mike yeah but you know it makes sense that this resonated with him because you know there's nothing like wading down a river past piles of guano to remind you that you're full of shit and also being friends with like when you find out one of your new guy friends uh that the only one that hasn't betrayed you yet is afraid of frogs and you're terrified of your ex with a frog face yeah to be fair i would also be very afraid to pick up a little frog in central or south america you know like i was with shervin well i am also scared of everything too but i'm i was like it probably is poisonous.

Like, what are you doing picking up a little frog, Nima? You're crazy. So Tommy has come to visit MJ. Hi, MJ! What? So he's, like, shown up. And then Reza, in one of the oddest moments of the show, goes, Oh, I recognize that beer belly anywhere.

Like, um... Yeah, you're one to talk amongst like a a villa of beer bellies like you've already outgrown your pants you're literally outgrowing your villa like your villa is busting at the seams well i also liked how the producers were trying to make it seem like jess Jessica was showing up when it was clearly Tommy, clearly, clearly Tommy. I love the Mets, the Mets are in the world series,

but I still got to come for MJ. I love you more than the Mets, baby. And then she's like, Oh my God. And she jumps on him and he's like holding her. Yeah. That is some serious lower back. Yeah.

I thought so too. I was like, look, it may not always be clear that you should be in a relationship but he can literally hold you up yeah he's supportive that is literally supportive that man is more supportive than any bra you've ever worn take him keep it so then they go into a room and to have sex and then reza and asa are so like they're so immature they're like hey let's go let's go like sneak up on them and like surprise them and so they go and they barge in on them while they're

having sex while listening to jewel and then they start to pull pull the sheets off or residues i'm like i was actually like this is awful like i would actually you know it's one thing for tammy to be lying in a bed fully clothed in the real world and david tries to yank the the sheets off as like a joke but when when you're naked and you're having sheets yanked off you in front of like a camera that's like even though they go go back i would i know that's like bullshit that's not cool and if it was anybody but mj but girl that she's had her areolas in our face all season so i think she was probably like yeah and you did that and i think they just know each

other to that level so it was okay so it's it's probably not for us to judge but it's still seen it read to me like a huge violation and also like like oh big deal they're having sex like it was like are you 13 now i mean just let them have let's let them go shake the earth there a little bit also is like this was disgusting to see but not more disgusting than the mayan abdominal massage babe you should have seen what came out of me babe why would you why would you let the cast of shaz of sunset get a mayan abdominal massage that sounds horrifying babe you should have seen how much ceviche came out of me it's like a river so then they're on boats in it right now so of course

this vacation couldn't couldn't happen without asa deciding to do something artistic so she's like babe babe so i'm doing this like'm doing this book about portraits of couples and so I would really love for you guys to do a nude photo shoot in the pool for me. And so they're like, okay. And so these two, Tommy and MJ, are in this pool, like two giant baked hams.

And she has her little point-and-shoot camera doing a quote-unquote photo shoot and Reza is art directing. This is not book-worthy right here. Reza art directing. Bring me some cheese! Okay, bring me some bread now. Okay, put it in my mouth.

Okay, put some chocolate sauce in there. Yeah, shut up. What are you directing? Yeah, this was – and the photos were terrible. Like these were – it was it was on camera like he went down on mj's butt on camera nobody needs to see it nobody needs to know it this episode was disturbing and yeah those pictures were really bad they were bad they're just poorly composed poorly lit everything was bad especially when she's comparing she's like

yeah i want to do this book that's like romantic babe you know like nude shots of couples and then it cuts to her parents posing by a rock i'm like okay so like september is your mom and dad posing by a rock and october is mj getting her ass eaten out by some fat guy like really yeah no one's buying that calendar so then in the meantime somewhere in the mix in the midst of all this reza calls jessica oh because because tommy came and reza was hoping to be jessica so reza calls jessica it's like hey jessica why aren't you coming down i thought you were gonna come down to be honest i only came on this trip for you and mike yeah like uh-huh that's exactly why you come to paradise just for mike and just trying to ruin their relationship even more he is the worst this whole episode he and also were like what should we do mike did you cheat no man i don't want to

talk about it oh babe don't be honest did you cheat no No. You cheated, right? Okay, guys. Mike's mad at me now, but Jessica told me that you cheated multiple times. And there was this message. And then, ugh, he's the worst. And Mike, I guess Mike would be the worst for cheating. But why does it need to be your storyline? It's so bizarre. It has zero to do with you.

You don't even like Jessica. And Reza is trying to um to to slap this ridiculous facade onto it like he's just trying to help he they only came down here to help mike and jessica we have to fix this we're family we got to fix these two we have to since when do you have to fix them you didn't you haven't liked her for a year and a half like what is this going to do you you've said before that she's been the root of all the problems with mike and he's mike has even said it so what like what are you trying to achieve here except stir the pot all that reza really wanted to do was to get was to get jessica to say on camera that mike cheated and then he wanted to go bust mike with it and embarrass mike that's all

well reza is the queen of deflection so whenever something's going on in Reza's own life, he's deflecting. You know, last year he was trying to, who was it last year? It was Mike. He was going after last year when his own relationship was shit. He ended up having that horrible stuff with Adam happen

and not even take his own fiance on their honeymoon. On their fake honeymoon. Really gross. So this year he gives Adam some shit jewelry, and then Adam's surprisingly not here because he has a new job. I'm sure. Adam ain't going to leave a shift at Applebee's to go on a vacation on TV. Give me a break.

And he's filing bankruptcy. Reza supposedly has filed bankruptcy. So he's just deflecting because he knows it's towards the end of the season and he knows it's about his turn to be the villain on this show yeah exactly so then so then mike comes back from his little trip he was already mad at reza because reza had had said to mike like hey can i tell you something and will you be cool if i tell you he's like what reza i'm he's like well i spoke to jessica and she said that you've been cheating a lot and he's like no no i don't want to hear this i'm going to go to the caves so so and by the way literally balding through

this episode like by the end of the episode he was missing he was missing patches from his hairline yes he was missing like patches from the front of his hair so i don't know if he's been gluing that shit on or if reza has just been stressing him to the point where it's just falling out. I totally noticed that also. When his hair was slicked back, it was like a jagged hairline. It was very strange. So, by the way, we should mention that Jessica said on the phone that she described what had happened. Because Reza's like, something's not adding up here.

And we need to get to the bottom of it. And P.S. you don't. It's none of your business. But then Jessica's like, well basically I was doing my resume, LOL. I was doing my resume and his iMessage popped up and it was this conversation that went back for weeks and weeks and months with this girl and what are you wearing?

The week after our honeymoon or something. Yeah. And it was pretty what Jessica was saying was saying was pretty pretty specific you know damning like he's calling it was damning you want to meet me here what are you gonna wear here's what i want you to wear you know yeah telling her what to wear where they gonna fuck and all this stuff and reza's like really oh i can't believe it because reza and Asa were I mean their intuition was correct because Mike when they initially confronted Mike about the cheating Mike's like no this is all a big

misunderstanding okay I get a text from this random person you know I get texts from everyone it's a random person and I was like I don't know who this is and Jessica saw and she overreacted she just flipped out she just overreacted and they're like well we don't think that Jessica's going to leave you after like a week of marriage just because of a text message. And they were right.

Yes. Yeah, they're right. It's just he doesn't. I don't blame him. Like, who the fuck wants to say that on TV? It's like TV is getting him pussy but stealing his wife. But it also got him his wife in the first place. I don't know.

I don't know where I fall on Mike. Yeah. So Mike comes back from the caves feeling cured from all that ails him because it was like great therapy. And Rez is like, hey, so I spoke to Jessica again. And she said that you have a relationship with someone that was going back weeks and weeks and months and months. And then Mike is like, first of all, stop talking to my girlfriend. And no, it's enough. Enough.

Enough. Enough. My dad has this saying. My dad does this thing he has a saying where he says people like schadenfreude i was like oh jesus mike oh yeah your dad has that saying thank you for remembering that because i think of my dad every time i pass the derwiener schnitzel because you know he would say to me sometimes derwiener schnitzel and i would say yeah dad you know when i see my dad he uses this phrase called hello and so like that's what i like to use when i see people hello it's like my dad

says so mike goes fucking crazy and starts yelling and starts yelling at production i want to go home right fucking now like these people are hilarious to me they haven't even paid for the damn cars but they think a plane's just gonna land on the roof and take them wherever they want in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, no guilty conscience here as he huffs and puffs around. And he goes off into the Belizean jungle to calm down and everyone's talking. And it gets to one of those things where things are chaotic and you start to see the camera crew and everything. And it's like, what's going on? What's going on?

Mike's been yelling. They all gather around a table as if a a tornado is about to like like come down on them they have to be together and then it does mj and tommy what's up guys well we're in the middle of ruining mike's life again sounds great so ceviche left oh sorry babe i ate it sorry babe ceviche um meanwhile mike's outside yelling to a pa in a bush yeah he's like sitting there yelling at a bush that was cracking me up and the entire time i kept on thinking god it looks so humid there there was condensation on every surface including the camera i was like but on hair started falling out in clumps exactly but then mike so then mike finally

called walks back and brings pulls reza aside and mike does hey i'm not angry at you like the truth is i did cheat yeah and so then reza's doing this whole thing of oh siri just turned on oh my god siri on my phone just turned on now it's saying yeah and so then you're just narrating i don't know colon reza farahane i don't know why that happened maybe oh you know what because you can say okay siri and it starts up i think maybe you said seriously and she's like what sir what can i do for you sir he's like i have to chime in on this on this conversation it was ridiculous Mike should go to hell. But then Mike admits it and they're like, no, Mike,

we really respect you because you're being accountable right now. Plus, we finally are making you look so weak and terrible on TV that it gives us such joy. So thank you. Thank you for trying to get as fat as me on TV. It's like hard being the fat one.

Thank you. Welcome back. Reza actually goes, I'm proud of you. And he goes, you're proud of me? I just admitted cheating on my wife. He's like, no, I mean that you're being real. Okay, Reza. This whole being real thing is such a nebulous concept.

It's just one of those fallback things. Like, well, at least I'm being real. At least I'm being honest. But at what cost? This says Reza, who's never real about shit in his own life yeah but still a pretty in pretty intense episode actually very very funny like i could not give a shit if a boulder came and crushed all these assholes the only ones i like are shirvan and nema right now because they're so sweet the rest of them are just horrible human beings and i love watching the show but like i really don't care if anything bad happens to them but man it's fun watching them eat ceviche a lot there's something fun about this show i don't know

what it is they are i mean really it's amazing that reza could be so awful to these his friends season after season and yet we still consider him the star, and we still, oddly enough, through it all, still like him. I don't know. I go up and down with him. I just can't. He's awful. He's just too mean.

He is mean. He is a nasty person and very childish, but then you look at Mike and you're like, ooh, but he's actually a scumbag which makes reza look better yes none of them are really great except for sure well serving's kind of a dick too we don't even know i don't like that he kind of turned on gg like the second you know resume him i don't like seeing someone being controlled by reza because they're already all controlled by reza yeah so that bugs But anyway, love the show and gins.

Yes. So we love you, Shawls of Sunset, babe. Babe. For no reason. I just wanted to tell you this little story. I went outside real quick right now, and I saw these really beautiful butterflies, and they were, like, flittering around each other,

like, circling each other, and I was like, oh, my God, they're kissing. This is so romantic and cute. And then they're like flying around each other. And it was beautiful. Of course, I'm trying to like whip my phone out. And then they started like, I think they were fighting. Like they started going at each other.

Does that happen? I don't know. I didn't see the end of it because the ones probably bleeding to death on my roof like they just flew up there but I was like I think I just saw a butterfly Street fight well you know there is a reason why Mothra exists the malls malls all right speaking of moms let's get to Katherine's outfit on Southern charm what. What the frick, lady? What was that? I think it was like Bordello chic. What the hell?

Way to say, way to prove you're not just a whore, like Patricia says. You literally showed up like a saloon whore. Who does that? I don't know. She had this big plastic ruby right on a choker and wearing something that looked very it looked like she had raided the old wardrobe department on wild wild west that bitch be crazy but you know she did something right because she was sitting in the you know right next to andy and oh yeah she did catherine was she was really like in her prime this is when katherine shines at the reunion

this is when her craziness comes full full force she does a lot of mr miyagi wax on wax off movements with her hand like be quiet um be quiet you know what you be quiet she says a lot of shit that makes no sense i was loving katherine this whole episode what a crazy bitch yeah when they showed it they were doing that but behind the scenes of the reunion and cameron's like well you know hopefully i'll get to talk about that pot roast i made and then they cut to whoever and it gets to katherine and she's like i'm gonna cut everyone or whatever but she's sitting there and i think she had bruises all over her shoulder. I noticed that. Yeah. What the hell? Something crazy is going on in her life.

Yeah. No, she is fully bonkers. So the reunion started out with, you know, the usual. Hi, Catherine. Hi, Shep. Hi. We learned that Thomas's family hates that he does southern charm and think it's worse than when he went to prison which makes sense no kidding i mean at least in you were in prison for like

trying to make money off of selling something yeah i mean jesus you're not even doing making any money you're doing nothing on this show you're wasting our life yeah exactly well i guess when you hit rock bottom like that a reality shows nothing right it's just just one more indignity to suffer through apparently but they find something to be offended at all the time like your family has no legs to stand on okay yeah like their son is a coke dealing mayor or whatever the hell yeah coke dealing senator state senator who's now a reality star. Now you're disappointed. Yeah. Shep, meanwhile, there was a lot of talk about, like, is Shep going to settle down?

What is he? And basically, they're like, Shep's just horny. Shep is very horny. And they start talking about Shep and Catherine's past, like when they had sex. And I love when Catherine's like, I mean, I was 21. Like, I was 21 then. Like, what have you, you know, we all do crazy things when we're 21.

I'm like, that was two years ago. You're 23. Yeah. But you're acting like you have, like, decades of experience under your belt now. In hindsight. Hindsight is 20. Hindsight's like 80, whatever, 8010. Having the stretch marks of a 30-year-old does not make you a 30-year-old.

Miss 30-year-old. What was everyone doing when they were 21? I love when she asked that and then cut to Cameron looking away. Like, yeah, we all saw Real World San Diego, Cameron. We know what you were doing when you were 21. Still judging people. Caudily. Yeah, exactly.

And beautifully. I thought Cameron really stuck up for herself very well in this, because Andy is doing this thing where he's being kind of confrontational, which I'm mostly liking. Of course, I don't like it when he comes down on the opposite side as me. But I do like that he's kind of holding people a little bit more accountable. But this is one where he's like, so, Cameron, the Internet hates you. Okay, let me read a question from Mary from Martuki Baduki or whatever. And he's like, Cameron, you're a hottie cunt. What do you think about that?

And she's like, well, I would just like to say that there's a difference. It's like you're doing very well. You're keeping it together. She never gets too crazy or too mad. Listen, Cameron's been at this game for a long time. I mean, she was on Real World San Diego. That was like over 10 years ago. She's been in this circus,

and she's also a pretty smart lady, and she knows how to handle herself. And I've been on Cameron's side all this time. Even though she has been more prickly this season um i understand it and she said it like many times during this room like i don't like katherine i don't want to fake it why would i hang out with someone that i don't don't really know or don't really like and who also causes the scene everywhere we go yeah can't argue with that yeah i can't she's like i never did anything to you. And she's like, well, I never did anything to you, Cameron. She's like, uh, no.

But you did, you know, threaten to murder people with a butcher knife. Like, whatever it was, you know. And they always cut to Catherine just being crazy. And Landon falls for it every time and shows her inner little batch, which is hilarious. Because it's still intermingled with her. Well, fuck you! Whoa! Yeah.

Well, Landon needed to do that that because last season she wasn't really she didn't really do anything she could have been the next like the next jenna you know from season one but this season she's she's gone into the mess and she's worked her way right into the center of the show so i don't know if she knows the game but she's certainly playing it yeah i think she's just uh kind of a bitch which i like yeah i like seeing you know i like it she's she's certainly playing it yeah i think she's just uh kind of a bitch which i like yeah i like seeing you know i like it she's she's the sort of bitch i can get behind yes me too um so so shep uh they uh and shep's a whore segment this shit thing i'm like i get it but you're wearing old man dentures and like i don't need to see in a speedo like i get it shep you're like never

gonna grow up haha so funny but then he's really mean to go to land in a speedo like i get it chap you're like never gonna grow up ha ha so funny but then he's really mean to go to landon like really out of control mean i don't like that what uh what are you talking about well she's andy says something like what about bringing her friend to the thing didn't you think that might hurt her feelings he's like well i don't care of course like she better get used to it gosh yeah he's just being mean i don't i don't care of course like she better get used to it course yeah he's just being mean i don't i don't get it yeah and lana's like yeah she's just she's like they're like are you okay with atlanta she's like yeah and then chef andy asked him about that blog he wrote where he's like dear women i'm not

disrespectful gorge i was just saying down to fuck because it's a saying. Gosh, I'm sorry. And then he goes on this whole thing like, I just want everyone to know I'm really disrespectful. I'm really respectful. Sorry. I'm really respectful towards women. I'm like, you fuck teenagers and use them and spit them back out. That's not being respectful to a woman you idiot

i actually feel like he tries he may not always be respectful but i do actually feel like he is he he tries um uh i what i didn't really like was when he was you know addressing this thing about the the dtf comment he's like gosh gosh i don't even that word's not even my lexicon i can't believe i used it like i don't like going around word's not even my lexicon. I can't believe I used it. Like, I don't like going around saying, oh, I hooked up with this girl.

And oh, I hooked up with that girl. That's like locker room talk. Gosh. And they cut to Whitney looking around nervously. I don't like talking about it either. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't. Renob, Renob, Renob. What, what, what,

what? Catherine? No, no, no. The biggest kisser and teller of all totally what's the difference between amorous and misogynistic i was like uh those are probably the first time you said either one of those words first of all uh and she goes the difference is

like i don't know when you're being amorous you're being amorous and when you're being misogynistic you don't whisper into people's ears it's like uh okay yeah romantic well i mean i think what he was i assume what he was trying to say was you're not like kissing and telling and just objectifying the woman and reducing her down to like this object that you just have sex with right but i don't think you didn't really say that though that's just what i'm projecting because i like shep and i'm gonna defend him a little bit i mean i like him too i just i feel like it was i feel like probably how his mom feels right now i'm like okay honey that was cute when you were 20 you're not yeah grow up well i liked when uh what was what's funny was that he's he said something about like when it comes to women or whatever he doesn't he doesn't

want to like kiss and tell he's like gosh i'd rather talk about literature or something and then katherine's like um yeah like i like like we used to listen to like books on tape and like that was really it's like really refreshing to meet someone with a brain we used to listen to audiobooks on the iphone it's like oh how romantic Can't believe that one didn't last. I know. Shel Silverstein. Wow, that was some really happy stuff. Winnie the Pooh is fat.

The end. It's like, uh. Frog and Toad. You ever read Frog and Toad? Gosh. It never makes it to the end of War and Peace. War and War. Just War. Gosh, you to the end of War and Peace. War and War. Just War.

Gosh, you missed the whole thing. I don't understand the Brothers Karamazov. Like, what are they carrying? Like, I don't get it. Too many words. Like, let's stop it. When Andy said, people are sick of seeing you act like a male horse ship. Like, don't you think it's time to do something else?

He's like, what am I supposed to do? We're going to bake? Gosh. ship like don't you think it's time to do something else he's like what am i supposed to do we're gonna bake it's like uh well that is kind of what people do but all right yeah do what do you do you boo and then and then uh cameron and katherine started getting into it again because katherine was angry that cameron called um the whole situation with her and thomas todry and so katherine so Catherine was like, don't you dare talk about my children. Don't talk about my kids. With every

psychopath who's dropped a couple out on Bravo says, do not go after my children. I'm like, oh, shut up. She's going after you. Your children aren't tawdry. They're still babies. Don't call them tawdry. I learned that from a book on tape. And I love that Cameron oh that is not fair i was not talking about your children just you your situation like they showed her on the boat yeah yeah exactly she's like i honestly don't

remember saying tawdry but i know it wasn't about the babies. It was probably just about you and your slutty ways. Okay? Todry Hepburn. And Catherine. I would never call anybody Todry. It's like you just learned that word when you were watching the show. I know that's in your Google search history. And then I loved

Cameron said, you have to understand, Catherine, the last time I was around you, we were on this couch doing the same thing. And they cut to Catherine and her response is just, um. She just ermed it out. I've never seen this couch before. What are you talking about?

Is this from Amazon Prime, this couch? I don't see it. Catherine, you don't know anything about me. You don't know anything. me you don't know anything okay so cameron baby i don't care yeah although it is funny cameron so she's so full of shit and he's like well yeah what about you know how you didn't want a baby and this this lady you know sarah from sooty sooty falls wants to know you know why do you see how do you expect to marry a traditional southern man and expect him not to have a baby i was like first of all no viewer asked that

yeah because that's just bullshit that is some male intern who came up with that or andy yourself for once and then cameron's answer she was like well i'll tell you it's been amazing because of social media people have been sending me private messages I was like yes because no one would support you over Twitter yeah come on now and then I liked how um I think this it was here that Catherine was defending being a mother and she's like I'm still pursuing all the things i wanted to pursue before i had kids i'm like what you mean like thomas yes you're right a rich old person's credit card yes well done katherine katherine katherine katherine i'm over it not over it katherine's hair she already has crazy face and crazy hair i wrote down down. By this point, I think we're like 10 minutes in

and her hair is already all over the place. She just looks fucking nuts. She is simultaneously absolutely crazy and absolutely wonderful. Yes, love it. And Andy tells Cameron, well, your husband likes the show,

but he refuses to come on, huh? Oh, how cute of you to think I can't ruin your marriage without him here. You just wait, bitch. Yeah, pretty much. So then there was the hashtag new Craig segment. When they're like, hey, if there's someone who loves talking to the third person, it's hashtag new Craig. It's like, well, Craig really likes the third person. They're like, there you do it again. He's like, what? I don't even know what the third person, it's hashtag new Craig. Craig's like, well, Craig really likes the third person. They're like, there you do it again. He's like, what? I don't even know what the third person

is. Is that because I was the third person on this cast? Is that it? I don't get it. One Craig is like up here and then the other Craig's over here and then like the third person Craig's on this couch like, dude, why are we all wearing the same blue plaid jacket every day? Third Craig

is like, let's wear a bellhop jacket again you know cooper was really on trend and when uh andy is giving him shit he's like so how much did naomi's parents pay for that ring you gave her and he's like well here's what it is like it's a promise because girls southern girls are only considered successful if they're engaged by the time they finish college. I'm like, uh. And he's like, yeah, but did you even graduate college? He's like, well, okay. So, like, I never finished my thesis.

So, like, I can't take the bar because I walked, but I didn't finish the thesis. So I can't be a lawyer. I kind of thought I won. I was like, I'm literally in the middle of the bar. So yeah, but by this time next year, I'll definitely be a lawyer. And I'm really excited to have a lot of clients will be so impressed with my inability to finish law school in time chef's like i never even had to do my own homework but i helped him with his

i'm like he was lying like gosh he didn't even he couldn't even take the bar gosh gosh i was in san francisco high on mushrooms and i got. And the clerk at the jail was like, gosh, be nice to Craig. So I thought, fine, I'll be nice to Craig. Gosh. That was a bizarre story. That was. Was that in the news? Was he ever?

Was that? I don't know, but that's another one of those stories that's cute when you're 20. But you're like 40 talking about doing mushrooms and driving, dude. Yeah, exactly. I love the middle scene that they showed in the commercial because patricia again refused to come to the reunion and you know tricia patricia would want to because of the uh attention she loves that shit but thank god she's classy enough to not sit there and fight with children because it would just be a screaming catherine would just be

attacking her you know and she's never gonna give her that chance yeah i think well if patricia were on the reunion, she'd have to do at least a Vanderpump style for Vanderpump Rules where she and Andy both sort of sit together as like Mr. and Mrs. Reunion hosts. And I don't think that she has enough power to do that. But I just want to say some things about Craig before we move on to the next topic, which is that when they asked – I liked when Andy asked what the difference was between new craig and old craig and he's like wow i have a girlfriend like oh okay and then he also has more credit because his name on his cards is naomi so different well old craig was like bellhop jacket and new craig is like pla jacket. So I think it's pretty obvious. Also, old Craig didn't know what bourbon is. And new Craig sort of has an idea about bourbon. It's still confused.

Still a little confusing, but I'm not going to lie. New Craig's not going to lie. But here's the good news. Even if I knew about bourbon, I'm not going to drink it anymore because I'm only beer and wine. That's my favorite when a drunk is like well stop drinking spirits okay yeah exactly but uh i just i i mean like you know i think we all we all really enjoy craig but i do wonder what his law career is going to be when he's been on national tv advertising the fact that he couldn't

even finish the thesis to law school from like several years ago so he can't take the bar but he's been lying about it but he will take the bar like what sort of confidence is that going to instill i mean maybe he'll be like a like a one of those lawyers who doesn't not like a non-trial lawyer because yes that is not this is not going to be like a corporate lawyer he's not a matlock you know like he's never going to get his neighbor off of a murder charge but he will be one of those people uh on this season of the good wife like the poor lawyers who just show up and do do the court appointed lawyer thing and they have to get really good at paperwork he'll be good at like doing contracts like you know they need a contract to do this and that

like you know yeah well it's like new craig is like all about contracts and i drew up the contract to your house so i'm the president of it right i was just in the neighborhood so i dropped off a contract i've made a lot of contracts this week i'm the vice president of staples i think i'm pregnant because i'm having a lot of contracts this week i'm the vice president of staples i think i'm pregnant because i'm having a lot of contractions wow did you get that contract i sent you i own a printer company like no you don't you just press print i think i'm gonna be an optometrist now because I'm really good with contracts. No, it's contacts. I had to wear reading glasses while I did that contract, so I've got a show on PBS reading to children.

Like, no, reading Rainbow. You do not own that. I just saw this movie with Jodie Foster where she went into a different dimension, and I'm like, wow. So she's an optometrist, too. I think it's called Contacts. I love that Craig is now an optometrist. New Craig. New Craig. That's fourth Craig.

Naomi's like, Craig, what's happening? Well, bad news. So I haven't been totally honest with you. I have to be upfront. I'm an optometrist now. Because I drink out of glasses, and I'm an optometrist now. Because I drink out of glasses, and I realize it's really my future. Oh, I thought you might have kissed somebody else.

Okay, that's good for me. Does this dress look okay? Yeah. So we got a story of how Shep tried to bone his girlfriend when he first started dating her, but Craig came down and stopped it. Which I love how the men on this show are. They're suchogynists like yeah she wouldn't have stopped it thank god he came down and saved her because she totally would have fucked shep you know she's just a dumb girl yeah she doesn't have any thoughts for herself she just will she'll just suck any penis that comes her way

yep okay so but to be fair shep probably would have stolen her well yeah he would have tried he'd be like have you ever seen someone take his teeth out of his mouth and then watch the teeth like chomp their way across the table so andy was asking what do you see oh andy goes back to landon poor landon i mean dream her dreams are always ruined everyone makes fun of her he's total he's like yeah those scenes with the with the guy you were trying to sell your idea to were a little cringy she's like well it's the first time i put myself out there so like i was cringing too and he's like okay yeah so anyway of all the men to ignore you in charleston why would you choose shep and she's like uh he's rich so

and she's wearing her dreams are crushed right in front of her eyes and she's wearing dream catchers with tassels on the end what the hell and shep's like gosh gosh, I hate emotions. Gosh. So then they get into Landon and Catherine. And, you know, I thought Landon had a pretty good response, which is that, like, you know, she doesn't. I think the question was, why does she hang out with Catherine? Why doesn't she include Catherine? Why does she not like Catherine? She's like, well, she's like, well, Catherine's not fun to be around. And Catherine cursed me out.

she's like well catherine's not fun to be around and catherine cursed me out and uh but then catherine her response was um well landon went on a valentine's day trip with thomas that was planned for me i was like whoa yeah landon got caught in a um a pretty weird web here because this all started right after uh this conversation about shep when shep was like well we did date like when she first came like we were like we were hooking up and i'm resin now shep yeah but we're hooking up and gosh that's so person her back was so hairy but i was like okay my mama like you so they were and andy of course andy classy as ever it's like you were having sex and land is like no like you didn't stick inside it was just like you know game night or whatever and uh chef just said hook him up he knows what hooking up means so catherine starts doing her roll eye

laugh crazy hair shimmy thing or whatever she's doing over there in her saloon horn thing uh and just and everyone's trying to ignore and then Andy just keeps going for Landon he's like well Patricia mentioned that you should go after Thomas Ravenel and she's like oh I think she was joking and then it's like okay so you just lied about boning Shep like we all know that that's a lie yeah and now you're gonna lie about boning thomas oh landon come on you went on a valentine's day trip and then thomas is like well she told me before we went she had to have a separate room and i mean she let me know right up front she had a separate room i mean we

slept in the same bed but she had a separate room yep and katherine's going after her and she goes uh andy goes well what are your thoughts on this, Catherine? And she goes, I have no thoughts on it because irrelevance doesn't exist in my brain. He's like, uh. Catherine, Catherine. I know. And then Catherine's like, she said I have no talent. And then Lane's like, no, I said you have talent on your back and katherine's like yes

i do erm oh that's right i've got a house that someone else is paying the rent for so who won this fight and i kind of think she has kind of a point against landon yeah it's like she they're both on their back but katherine's getting things Landon's just getting dumped by every single one. Yeah. And what did she say? I said you had talent on your back, and it's obviously serving you well. She's like, that's right, it is. And then Landon gets a real

catty. She's like, what I do know about you is I don't what I do know about you, I don't like, and that's why I don't want you around wow this valentine's day trip you know andy's really letting them get away with shit in this he's like oh okay that totally makes sense let's move on i'm looking here waving so then catherine. Catherine, I just keep writing wavy finger. I love when she starts waving her finger around. Oh, yeah.

Oh, it was waving around a lot. It was like a broomstick in Fantasia. Okay. It was sweeping and going up and down and multiplying. It was everywhere. So then Andy turns to Whitney. And it comes to this whole thing about Whitney and Catherine. And again,

Whitney was denying having this week long relationship with Catherine. His face is beet red and Catherine's like, erm, no, I was there. I woke up. Your mom got like brought a newspaper that had listings for New York city. There was yogurt with granola.

You know, I saw, I saw spider on the countertop. Um, remember I saw Michael masturbating in the laundry room, and then I thought, I can't even eat this granola because it smells like dog shit in here. Like, well, sounds pretty accurate.

Your mom was wearing a caftan that had pictures of flamingos on it. He's like, I mean, no, no, I mean, there was a party, and, you know, she had to change. That's why all of her clothes were there. No, she wasn't there for a party, and she had to change. That's why all of her clothes were there. She wasn't there for a week. I never said I loved her. I never professed my love for her. I never got down on her knee and said, I love you, and I want to be with you the rest of my life.

No, that never happened. Never, never, never once. And then they show the clip of Patricia finding the shoes. Like, well, what poor little Cinderella has decided to stop here? Like, Whitney is such a bad liar. And Thomas, Andy is like, well, what about that shoe scene when your mom found the shoes and she was pretending to actually like this girl who you might possibly end up with?

And he's like, well, the thing with that is there was this party. There was this party at Jenna's house, which was, you know, right down the street from me. And Catherine just asked to stay at my house. And she left her shoes in my bedroom. So that's how it happened. And she's like, well, I remember you were playing your Chanel guitar. And then you got out of bed and said, you're the type of girl I could see marrying.

Oh, my God. So awkward, this whole thing. Because at least Catherine tells the truth. And all this stuff that Catherine has said, I don't... I'm pausing on this because I'm trying to think if there's any lies that have been in here. But I don't think she's lied. She's pretty honest, isn't she? I mean, she's terrifying.

I think she's... I think that she is pretty honest. I think that sometimes she, as Cameron said, she does get paranoid and I think her reality sometimes departs from actual reality. But I don't see her as a liar. I think she reports what she sees. I think in this case, this is her most coherent story of all time. And so I think it's true. And I kind of love that the nail in the coffin is that there was yogurt with granola.

Case closed. I kind of love that the nail in the coffin is that there was yogurt with granola. Case closed. And I also think it's true because it just makes her look worse. I mean, she really does look like a total whore at this point. And she even says it. Yeah, she just looks like a total man-stealing, gold-digging whore. And I love when Andy's like, well, what about people calling you a gold digger? And she goes, oh, yeah, well, what gold did I get? Fool's gold.

And I'm like, well, yeah, but it doesn't mean you weren't gold digging. It just means you were doing it poorly, you know? Right. Well, I mean, yeah, exactly. It was part of a master plan to get back to Thomas Ravenel, which worked, actually. So maybe she wasn't doing it poorly. Well, I guess. I mean, she's living in a house that's rented but she you know he's still

living in a mansion she had two kids out of wedlock that she doesn't even get to see anymore because he had three paternity tests unlimited amazon prime packages though i liked how when andy was like so what about your crazy response to craig up in the mountains and when he's like well you know well you know we were we ship had some cherry flavored moonshine and you know i was just drunk and just you know just sort of all came out and he's like well but isn't like when you're drunk when you're like your emotions are like most real well no you know no i don't know he like could not and they're like like listen like listen he was attacked by katherine he was're like listen he was attacked by katherine he was the poor whitney was attacked by katherine yes of course lie lie lie all these guys do is

lie every single one of them's a liar and somehow somehow i still like it and i like when he's like so wait you had three paternity tests like what the hell and katherine goes i'm so sick of you guys questioning the ethnicity of my baby yeah is that a black baby katherine i can't tell stop being racist against my bridge babies um i liked when someone asked have you guys ever heard of using protection and captain's like i think every human being doesn't always remember to use protection when you're in the situation that becomes out of control i'm like please this this is not 1945 okay everyone is aware of of condoms and protection all right and people are aware of the pill. So I don't think... You don't forget. You make a decision

and be like, fuck it. Let's just do this. Yeah, that wasn't just irresponsibility. That was Catherine trying to get pregnant for rent. I mean, that girl really did stick her stick in the wrong mud. She stuck her flagpole in the wrong pound of mud. If you have a baby by accident the first time,

you can't tell me that you forget about protection the second time yeah that's a you had a baby you had a baby come out of your vajayjay okay that hurts you're never going to forget about protection after that i like when she said who i what did i get gold dig and fool's gold i got face wash for christmas like uh and a house and she goes the only reason i got that house is because he's a cosigner so he has to pay for it he's like uh catherine you're not helping yourself here it's like i tricked him into doing this so he'd be forced to pay it yeah oh so no now this is when we get into some tricky shit here because they've

gone to court so apparently thomas is trying to be so gentlemanly and not yell and throw a fit, even though he's been going off on Twitter and calling her a drug addict and saying, he's getting the babies taken away from her because she's a drunk and an addict and this and that. And he's having a drug test for his babies. Like it has gotten ugly and he's just acting like,

you know, so nice. But they've just gone to court at this time. And she tested positive in her drug test, and he did not. And so she starts saying something, and Landon giggles. She's like, shut up, Landon.

She's like, you tested positive for drugs, so. And then Catherine does the best whisper walk-off ever. She just gets up and kind of like walks slowly away she's like I'm gone bye bye I did like though how before she just had her her storm off that Catherine felt like she declared that she felt like she was being judged and she's like uh uh people people know who am. I feel like truth always prevails. And I feel like the good always rises to the top. Cream rises to the top.

Oh, God. That's right. Catherine, the resident cream of Southern charm. I'm looking to see. We have a really good, juicy email here. So talk a little bit. Oh, yeah. Oh, i know which

one you're talking about uh while you look that up i also really liked when um katherine katherine and landon were going at it again at one point katherine just goes to atlantic i was like i Dumbass. Be nice to my Mexican baby. Dumbass. Dumbass. Don't go, dumbass. You did mention, right, about how Thomas got her, like, face washed for Christmas, right? Yes. What kind of gold digging is that?

I got face washed. I am trying to find, I might have to hold this till the next one because no i don't want to say the person's name out loud who sent it to us but i can't seem to find it i i think i i think i know where it is okay yeah look because it is a good email yeah no i think it came over um uh actually. Yeah, that's where I am. But once you write back, you can't see the rest of it. Damn it. Yeah.

This is so lame. I'm sorry, everybody. I'm like, hold on, everybody. It's really good. It's worth the radio silence because... Oh, okay. Here it is. Here it is.

You found it? Oh, good. Okay, so we can't say who this is from, and we cannot vouch for the authenticity, obviously, because this is just over Facebook. We do not know this person. Do not sue us, okay? We don't know if this is truth

or not. As Kathy Griffin would say, allegedly. Okay, so, hey guys, got the scoop on Southern Charm. Don't use my name, but share if you want to. A friend was at a party with an exec producer and got this juicy scoop. Allegedly. Oh, I like that they say allegedly.

So, Whitney, not returning next season. Patricia, amazing. Shep, the sweetest, kindest person. Super caring and genuine, but a total player. Landon, the worst person to work with least favorite on the cast which is so funny because every time i meet somebody that smiling giggly i know they evil and so i'm glad that landon's like a huge diva bitch i think that's so funny uh thomas ravenel calls her three times a day during or calls my friend three times a day during filming screaming at her catherine was constantly drinking and smoking during her pregnancy

cameron very sweet but totally married by married for money her husband is a total dick and he hates the show they said he's super mean and terrible to her which is sad and craig super weird maybe gay mean and terrible to her which is sad and craig super weird maybe gay the real shockers there for me were landon and cameron yeah i was i was surprised that landon is is the worst one to deal with i have to say even though landon's been the mix with all these issues i um i can't believe uh that it's uh yeah that's crazy but uh she andy does not seem to like her very much on here and they the cast was on uh watch what happens which we don't really watch but someone wrote us and said you should have seen how mean andy was to landon on that show like he hates her guts like he was being totally mean to her and she almost wow so i guess she is kind of

an asshole which i love yeah. Yeah. I love an asshole and dreamcatcher earrings with tassels. That's right. She was on the hills, so, you know. It's usually an asshole red flag right there. It does make me feel bad for Cameron because that does seem so true.

Like her husband won't even appear on the show and then he's guilting her about this baby thing and she's acting like she's not going to do it but you know she totally is just to make him happy um well either way super fun show super fun shows that we covered and um we'll be back on later this week to talk about real housewives of new York City and Below Deck. And was there something else? No, we just got to catch back up with Below Deck.

And so we'll be doing that Thursday. Thank you, everybody, for coming over here. Go over to Watch What Crappens for all our links, patreon.com slash watchwhatcrappens to subscribe to all our bonus episodes and get all that bonus content. And then, of course, facebook.com slash Watch What Crappens. We love you guys.

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