Watch What Crappens - #3054 Below Deck Med S10E05 Part 1: Double Dumped and Vegan Slumped

Episode Date: October 28, 2025

This is part 1 of 2Below Deck Mediterranean gives us a double dumping and brings a demanding vegan to push the clown chef into a nervous breakdown.  To watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Watcher Crapins ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Well, hello, and welcome to Watch What Crapins. I'm Ronnie, and that's the gorgeous Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Good. How's tricks? Tricks are good. Tricks are very good. Just, it's my last morning here in New Orleans. I'm very sad. I'm getting on a plane right after this. But, you know, it's happy to get to talk some below deck med with you before any of that happens. Yeah, poor veg. Vegans just really get the Brent end of the stick on this one. Sorry, vegans.

People don't hate you enough. So we're going to add this episode in. I felt so bad for vegans. I was like, vegans have made such strides over the past 30 years. I remember in the 90s when I think I first became aware of veganism, which of course predates the 90s. But, you know, when I remember first learning about veganism, and it was like such a hippie thing. It was sprouts and weird.

sprouts and beans and like that was it and weird strange versions of non-vegan things like a like a satan rubin from real food daily on real foods daily on on la siena which was i learned about in 2000 but like either way it was like this crazy crazy hippie food that you had to like live an extreme lifestyle for and now it's become so much more mainstreamed and it's so inventive and it's like really being viewed as its own cuisine, and then, and now this guy comes along and is like, makes vegan seem like pushy, obnoxious, demanding, picky, morons. Like, honestly, morons. I've never seen a vegan who's like, yeah, no salads.

Fresh greens, disgusting. How dare you? I'm a vegan. Like, really? Fuck off, dude. I think, like, one thing that we've definitely noticed, like, on top chef and on this show is that sometimes chefs are so. chefy that when someone says, hey, I'm a vegetarian or I'm vegan, they literally don't know what to do.

And they're like, oh, I don't know. Like, here's some iceberg lettuce, you know. And it's like, okay, well, you know, vegans are entitled to have some food that's like inventive and and some effort is put into it. But this guy when he's like, I mean, I mean, this is vegan, but it's like all starches. Like, it's not nutritious. Like, I need some minerals. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. That's not part of it. The chef is not responsible for your general wellness. The chef is responsible for putting together a meal that tastes good. It's up to you to find the balance in your life. You take some supplements or some vitamins. I don't go to a steakhouse. I need to eat some steak and then say, well, this steak is, it's fine,

but I'm not feeling this is a well-balanced meal. I need some salads to go along with this. Like, no, no, you, like, that's on you. That's not on the chef. Like, who says as a criticism of dinner, where are my minerals? Yeah. I've, literally never heard that where are my greens and i don't mean salad i mean like where are my hearty greens it's like well where was it on your preference sheet salad are greens salad are literally greens and then he was serving big plates of vegetables too and he's like no not those kinds oh my god i can't you know you know some i think some people just choose whatever it is veganism or whatever the little you know niche is to just have that control over people you know that like yeah you have you have

to like be you have to make everything special for me and my entire family you know and obviously not everybody's like that but there are those people that just need control and attention who will use any little thing to just jump on and this guy is definitely one of those people and these were like actually like by and large as as a group these were generally picky eaters but they were like nicely picky they were like oh you know what could you fry these oysters instead you know but like, but this guy was just like, no, I'm going to have a little paratroop with my vegan food and I'm going to complain the entire time. And on top, it's like, I'm going to be the one to have a more difficult diet and then I'm going to complain the most and make it even more demanding than it already is. And like, that's of course the reputation that the vegans already have, whether it's like whether it's, you know, valid or not, that is a reputation.

And he just really kind of, like, anyone who already was like, stupid vegans, you know, they're definitely not getting a revision of their opinions based on this guy. Well, I guess to make it fair, at least the non-vegans are assholes, too, because I don't agree that that just, oh, go fry these oysters. Like, that's not a normal request. No, I know. It was definitely, you know, I'm saying it's. You don't just go, like, fry up an oyster. Like, it takes batter. It takes oil.

You know, it takes a lot of stuff that's not already prepared, like to sit down into dinner and be like, no, you need to fry those oysters. instead, like he should have known. It's just gross. I think they're just gross. This is a gross. I mean, I don't think I would be mortified if someone served me like raw oysters. And I was like, can you can you fry these instead? Like, I'll be mortified to make that request. But I'm saying that like they made their requests. But then they, once they got their requests, they were generally, well, I don't know. I got to read the notes again. Maybe I'm like blocking it out. Maybe I'm just so mad at this vegan that I'm like just automatically making the other people seem nicer. But I feel like once they got there.

a request. They were, they just, then they ate their food. They were like, I got my request. But this guy was just like, nothing was satisfying to him. And I think that he was, and again, he wasn't the primary. What a shock. He was the friend that was brought along and is on a power trip. Yeah. Well, here we go. Below deck med season. Oh, well, before we get into that, if you want these on video, crap and's on demand, that's also where you get our bonus episodes. Thanks to everyone who joined us on Amazon live last night. We will be doing that again in a couple of weeks. And Monday is crappy hour. at 530 Pacific. That's our live show on YouTube Live, Instagram, and Patreon. It's all free everywhere. Join us for that every other week. That's where we talk to you, talk about Bravo headlines, et cetera, et cetera. Okay, so let's get into this. This is Below Deck Med, Season 10, Episode 5, Let the Games Begin.

So Nathan and Sandy are on the bridge talking, and Sandy's like, okay, here's your big choice. We got Dum, Dum, and Dum. So which one you want to get rid of? The dum-dum with terrible hair or the dumb-dum with the big guys who thinks everyone's giving them its number. Choose. Well...

This is your choice as a leader, Nathan. Well, it's necessary for the whole operation of the boat and the safety of the guests that we got rid of Tessa and Christian. Whoa. That's half your team. I mean, that's like saying, hey, I want to take your pants

and want to cut off the part right between the ankle and the shin. But now that I say that, that's kind of a great idea. Okay, let's go for it. All right, cut it off. I haven't done something this bold since I had Malia, Frameham, and I. I can see Max getting frustrated with Christian and Tessa, but he's also trying to remain positive. And then I'm getting frustrated as well because it's just not good enough.

She's like, okay, I love this. You're such a good leader. This is leader. These are leader choices. Yeah, and if I had time to train them up, I would. But I feel like they're miles off of it. Like, I have a question. When these things happen, why, I know that people are, like, entitled to their off time and their leisure time.

But when it's in between charters, why isn't there a sense of, like, you guys didn't earn your downtime tonight? Like, we are going to, tonight, we are going to be going over the knots and this and that. Like, why can't there be punishment, right? Or is it just like an anti, is that like a, not, is that like an employment issue? This is why unions were invented, Ben. Like, doesn't it feel like it should be kind of like, you guys fucked up. So, therefore, you're not allowed to go party tonight. We're going to have dinner and we're coming right back.

You don't get dinner. We're going to have dinner and then come back and we're working on knots all night long. Like, is that against the job where you kind of have to know what you're doing. Like, they need to hire people who know what they're doing. They can't just be hiring people on Instagram, which is kind of how below deck has been running the past few seasons. It's like, let's just hire hot people from Instagram who will fuck each other a lot. And like, they also have to know how to, you know, tie knots. and, you know, drive boats.

So they should start there. So she's like, wow, what a leader. Fire everybody. Yeah, let's do it. No one gets their snap benefits this month. Leader. So she's like, it's the first time Bo's in, you know, making this call. It's very difficult.

But I'm going to trust it because it's Nathan, you know. And if you got monk hair, you should treat him like a monk. And I trust monks. So not monkeys. Oh, God, monkeys are crazy. Those things will steal a banana right out of your hand. Won't they? They're cute, but don't trust them. I'm telling you that right now. What was I talking about? Yeah, well, I've witnessed Nathan. He's been educating his team. I really like that class he gave where he stood on the edge of the boat and went, oh no, oh no, oh no, over and over again. That was a really great TED talk. But, you know, we need some people who can understand direction. And that's not happening with Tess and Christian, okay? One of them's like a mop with a wig on. And the other one, God, I don't even know about him. But I think I saw him hitting on a dolphin. I feel like we never saw a scene of Nathan being like,

you guys need to get your shit together. I'm sick of saying this to you. Okay. Like, Tessa, you're just standing around doing nothing. You're not refueling. We're going to go through this all. But instead, it's like, Sandy's like, I've been seeing you talking to them. I've been seeing you teaching them.

And like what we'll see is Nathan saying to Tessa, Tessa, don't forget to refuel like next time. Okay, Tessa. It's like a, which should be. be enough, by the way. And I'm not saying that Tessa and Christian shouldn't be fired because they are two dumb-dums. But I'm also like, I think that, like, maybe Nathan could step up a little bit in terms of, you know, urgency in teaching, et cetera. But Nathan wasn't really ready to step up. You know, it's like the below deck thing where they, they think the audience wants, and I think that they're right, that the audience wants to see people move up and excel, right?

Like you want to see someone like, wow, now Asia's chief stew. Like, that was really cool, you know? We want those moments, but they have to be kind of earned moments. And they've got a lot of un-earned moments, like the Fraser, I think, was kind of an unearned one. And we saw him failing. And then we see Nathan, which is kind of unearned. It's like, well, he was a happy-go-lucky, fun guy. Let's just make him the Bosa next time.

And I don't think he was ready for it. Yeah. So this isn't just Tessa and Christian. It's also Nathan. And then Max, I mean, on. On any other season, Max would have been the biggest disaster because of his attitude and his screaming and losing it and trying and bossing everybody around. And the fact that Max's like looked at is this great employee is hilarious and that really goes to show where the season's at. Yeah, exactly.

I mean, I think that Nathan in many ways is very good. You know, I mentioned, I think, last episode that I was impressed with how calm he remained while Max was losing his mind. But he, like, there are times when it's good to sort of like add a little bit of fire to your voice. So Sandy is like, you know, times like this is, it's never easy. Okay, oh, by the way, okay, so, hey, dum-dums to the bridge. We'll start with Christian. Okay. All those who are going to still have a job in an hour step forward.

Not so fast, Christian. So times like this, it's never easy for me, okay, ever. But safety is non-negotiable. It's number one, and we all know that. So at this point, Christian, I'm letting you go. and it looks like you've already let yourself go, how did he wind up floating out into the water already onto that jet ski? Wow, he just sort of kind of, that was pretty easy.

When I said I'm going to let you go, I didn't really mean literally, but I guess you're already out there in the water. So good luck to you, sir. Yeah, and he's like, whoa, thanks so much. Great being here. Yeah, well, you know, it's just safety because you're great. I don't want you to think you're bad because you're great. I'm firing a great person today.

A great person is going home. You are a very hard winker, worker, worker. Did I say winker? Sorry, it's my inside voice. You're a very hard worker winker. So get out of here, skiddle, and do great mediocre work somewhere else. They're going to love you. God.

You could tell. Let one go, but someone else has gained someone mediocre. Tell you that. He's totally happy with this decision. He's like, oh, thanks so much. It's wonderful. Really a great honor. Like, that's what he was like, please, please fire me.

I don't want to be here anymore, but I also don't want to be a quitter. So he was thrilled. He literally was like, bye. So then, you know, next is like, okay, Tessa, Tessa, make your way up to Captain's Quarters. I'd like to meet you, by the way. I don't think I've met you yet so far. So first of all, just want to say hello. Second of all, just say, you know, it's hard. It's hard, Tessa. But, but, you know, from what I've observed and speak with Nathan, it's completely chaotic, your hair. I can't tell if I like it better down or up. It looks crazy in both ways. How did you do that? You've just used so much hairspray. And for that reason, I got to let you go. Okay?

Get out of your dead eyes. And she's like, so, you know, got to make a change. So get out. You know, and I know you come from a big boat. Your family is a family, a catamaran's, a camera, a catamaran, which is great. You know, but on this boat, you're more like a cantamaran. Okay. and I don't know how to drive those.

So I'm going to need you to just get out of here. Okay? Also, I didn't love that picture of you on the four-wheel are covered in mud while you're wearing a bikini. That just seems unsafe for the road. So I know this isn't a road, but because of your behavior as a teenager, I've got to let you go.

Bye. Oh, and one last thing, Santa Claus is real, so go fuck off. She's like, I can't believe anything else. This is unbelievable. Well, thank you for the change. but I'm excited to go back to the boys. I've missed the boys on that farm.

Well, I can't believe I hate all this time. We're leaving, but like, fuck her, because I don't really need her help. I just need the boys. I just need those McBee boys. It's so amazing watching them grow up so quickly. Some say, love, it is a blessing when you're having seal of dressing. Sandy, I want to say one more thing before I go.

You are the wind beneath my... Okay, get out of here. Yes, uh, okay, with your shitty little wedding band. Go back to Gallatin or whatever the fuck that place is called gelatin. I don't know. Get out. Based on her face, I thought that for sure she'd be Australian, so surprising that she had that Missouri accent. Okay.

Okay, well, guess what? Now we, uh, no, down two deck hands. What could possibly happen. Okay. Oh, man. What a, what a funny twist. But, uh, let me, hold on one second, uh, Nathan. You're going to have to leave the room about to do some serious texting here.

Okay. Bloop. Hey, Norma, I'm in a pinch, sort of like your belt says to you every day, huh? I need two deck hands in Barcelona. Do you have anyone available? Bloop. Oh, hey there, Sandy. Wow, speaking of pinching, I knew you were going to call because I felt a pinch nerve in my neck.

Really hurt. So glad to see the pain's on the phone. Hi, good to see you. Good to talk to you. Thanks for the sweet hello before you started asking me for shit, you know. It would be nice to have one season where you were just capable of doing some hiring on your own without relying on me within the first week. Bloop.

Speaking of pinches, I guess you really had a pinch me moment where for the first time in 17 years, someone actually responded to one of your personal ads, huh? Congratulations. Bloop. Blup. Yeah, hope you're happy with that wife who's probably pinching your wallet, okay?

I've never heard a one-year wonder saying BB so much over tech. So that sounds real realistic, okay? Good luck with your rent-a-bride, okay? Bloop. Bloop. Oh, by the way, I just got a text from Olive Garden. They wanted me to tell you that next time, when you ask for a pinch of butter,

that doesn't mean a whole stick. And they didn't appreciate you yelling at the waiters like that. Okay, thank you. Bloop. Bloop. Speaking of Olive Garden, they called and they want their uniform pants back. Okay, polyester, polyester, poly. Geez.

Bloop. Bloop. Talk about uniform. More like you don't form any sexual experiences anymore. Am I right? Bloop. You know what? Thankfully, I don't need sexual experiences because I've got my hands.

Unfortunately, you don't have any hands. Deccant, that is. So maybe I should watch your lip until I get you on. Bloop. Bloop. That's fair. That's fair. Okay, just find me a deckhand, okay?

If you want, you can finish that bowl of mac and cheese before you get out there looking. Okay, thanks. Oh, so you need two decants. Okay, wow. Wow, you're doubling competent this season. It's glad to see they're up in the game over there at Bravo. Bloop.

Well, I'm only as competent as the idiots you send me along, but I can understand if you couldn't quite read their CVs after you spilled all that mariner sauce all over them. Okay, bloop. Okay, well, I'll just be on only fans trying to find people with boobs big enough to entertain the masses and run a boat. No problem.

Bloop. Well, let's not try to ruin the OnlyFans brand by logging on there, Norma. Okay, all right. Thank you. Bloop. Bloop. This is Ellie. How dare you come for my Onlyfant's account?

Unbelievable. Bloop. This is Brea. This is Brea. I don't know. I have put the Onlyfans. I can't find my OnlyFans account. Okay.

I quit. Just find me, sir. Could you also look for a new captain? I can't text anymore. Blu. Wins on. Bloop. This is the consequences of my actions. Bloop.

Yes, we're not even on this franchise. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappence commercial. All right, so now we cut to Nathan and Max. Nathan tells them that they've been fired And Max is like, wow, okay, let's go, let's work. Fogia, this is amazing. Your best captain ever, like firing two persons

because, well, you know, with them, we would have sunk your boat. So Max is so happy about this. So he runs down and tells Kizzy, and she's like, whoa. Oh, we just lose to remember. Who? Who?

Christian? Uh, Tess? Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no. I have to pretend like I've actually had some sort of relationship with Tess. So, Kizzy, who I don't think anyone's talked to Tess at this entire season, she runs down to Tess, and she's like, are you fucking joking me? Are you joking me? This is terrible. I can't have someone who's less hot than me leave this boat because you totally make me seem hotter. Now what am I going to do? She said she wasn't happy with me, so she showed me the dribble door. And now Vee comes downstairs because she's heard all this stuff.

And Josh is just waking up, you know, with a clown nose on. Like, what's going on? So everyone's like, oh, my God, I can't believe you're fired. Oh, my God. This is crazy. And then Max goes to Christian's cabin. And he's like, ah. He's like on a huge smile on his face.

What a dick. He's such an asshole. And Christian says, you know, whoa, what's that face about? And he's like, oh, but I just know the news. Yeah, man. I don't know. I don't know, man. I tried to warn you, like, one billion times, and now you are fired. What a dick. What a total dick. I have to tell you, the record on French people on blow deck these days is not great between Max and Salain. So, Christian, is like, yeah, okay, well, get a new deck and try to de-hypnotize him, see how that goes. Okay, I'm going back to having sex in a different place.

So, Gizzy's like, I can't believe that Tessa's leaving, even though I never even got to have a conversation with her ever, but still, it's so sad to see her leave. And they're like, bye, and they're just like hugging them and everything. You know, Christian, I'm sad he left because I was watching a movie last night. By the way, most disturbing movie I've seen in a long time, don't watch it. I'm not recommending anyone watch this, because you'll blame me for being triggered. It's a weapon. I watched that one the other day. That one was fine.

It was okay. This one was called Bring Her Back. Oh, my God. Disturbing as fuck. So anyway, I was watching it. And then a preview came on for a movie. And it was a Wes Anderson movie with Benicio del Toro, where he's dying. I guess he's afraid he's going to die.

And so he's getting all his children to take over his business. Who cares about the plot? But the main thing is that Benicio del Toro flies planes and he's always crashing the planes. And he survived like 10 crashes. And so he's just like, well, I'm going to die. So I guess I better get my kids ready to take over. And I totally thought of Christian, you know. This is where Christian is going.

He's going back to just crash more planes. Because I'm still convinced that Christian is just crashing planes. And that's why he's on books now instead of planes. Yeah. Christian literally says, well, my dad has been in over 20 aircraft accidents. And with all the scratches of blood and glasses in his skin, you know, this feels way worse than he described them. Like, uh, can you let me know what airlines are? your dad flies for, just for future edification.

Can we just, can we, can we, can we, can we rewind that part? Your dad's been in 20 aircraft accidents, but I almost want to do, like, does like, am I, I, I'm like trying to imagine, is there a world where there's a positive spin on that? Like, oh, well, you know, like, you have to, like, have an emergency landing. Does that kind of an aircraft accident? No. No, that's, it's not a great feature. I don't love that.

like incontinent? Is he maybe like having accidents on the plane? I don't know. I think I still like know. But his dad probably doesn't love this. He's going on TV. Like, yeah, my dad has crashed his plane like 20 times. Probably not the best thing to be bragging on. I know. So Tessa's like, well, this is sad. I mean, maybe I could have had more confidence on the deck, but I just was so weary of like where I stood on the deck team. Like I hope on the next boat, like my bosom believes in me and the dribble door. And then half a brain sale.

I wish he was more like those big B boys, but gosh, watching them grow up and become a big man who punched hillside. That is what an honor it is for me. Okay, I really do wish Nathan all the best, and I'm sure he'll do great. Oh, good, I'm saying to leave this boat now.

Yeah, but she was like rolling her eyes. Like, he sucks, and this is all leadership. This is our leadership, Spontessa. You don't know how to do anything. You don't know how to fill up a fucking car. You know what I mean? Like a vehicle. You don't know how to fill up.

you're gone, okay? Stop blaming everybody else. So bye. So she leaves and Max hugs her, you know, he's very surprised. No one is surprised, Max. Stop. And so she's out. And I'm impressed that they fired them both and I'm glad. So now let's see who else we get. Let's text potential duck hand number one. Hey, what are you up to? I have an opening on a deck in Barcelona. Please tell me that you have no experience but are hot because you're hired. I'm telling you right now. Okay. Is your CV A cute vase, okay? Not vase. I just, it's not a CF.

I'm my cute face. Okay. Do you have a cute face? Just pretend I say cute face. Okay, you're hired. Come on. And then we got a text back from the potential deckhand that says, thank you so much for thinking of me.

I brought my friend Gertie along. Can she come to? No, I'm sorry. Only room for one deckhand, unfortunately. Well, we are hiring two, but yeah, only room for one. Is this coherity a lesbian professional tennis player? Then no. Okay.

She'll have to eat at the Olive Garden next door. Oh, by the way, while she's there, could you ask them if they have any extra uniform pants? God, I love those. But I did hear that they are out of butter because someone asked for a quote-unquote pinch of it. And they were marinary that they got over some resumes. So then potential document number two.

Hey, good to hear from you. I'm reading out loud the text that I received, by the way. I didn't text them because that'd be weird. If I said, good to hear from you when I was texting them initially, Anyway, they say, good to hear from you. I'm sorry, but I'm not available right now. I'm uncharted. Okay.

Wow, that was a stern rejection from Gigi Fernandez. I didn't like that, one bit. Hmm, and now deckhand number three. Hey, are you available? I need a good deckhand in Barcelona, preferably without any experience but a nice butt. And they're like, hey, Captain Sandy, I could be available in three weeks with that work. And she's like, oh, geez, God, bless it. Sure, I'll take it

Christmas crackers Shoot Shoot! I'm sorry for cursing I don't know if that'll work That's the end of the season Meanwhile Josh is talking to Asia

And he's saying about how When you first got into yachting He didn't realize how ruthless it was And Asia says Well, it's like You either do the job Or you're gone And that's the way I like it

You really got to fear for Nathan When the most competent member of his team voluntarily robbed jellyfish all over his face. And the other two have both been fired. That's just so bad. Which is a fair point, by the way. A very fair point. And it was great because we saw the clip of Max doing it again, which was great.

You know, oh, look, jellyfish, poop, wipes his eyes. Oh, my God, that's a name of me. So then Max is complaining already. He's like, oh, we all just do weeple. How will I do this? So then now we see Captain Sandy still getting texts back from people. Sorry for the delay. I was just actually dropping off our last charter in Valencia.

God, California is just so far from you. But I would love to work with you again, Captain Sandy. Unfortunately, the yacht I've been driving is stuck on a freeway. That's something. I would love to join. But I am in Valencia, California, which means that I've just got to go to the Red Lobster up there and then hit up Magic Mountain real quickly. So if you can wait for me to do the Batman roller coaster, I will be right there with you. Oh, well, that has some potential, I got to say.

You know, I love a decking that can handle a roller coaster. Wow. Someone's saying they can't come to work until they've had five orders of cheesy biscuits? What are you, Norma? So, Kizzy, V is wondering if Captain Sandy saw that V has deck experience. And Kizzy's like, well, are you going to, are you going to go ask to be on deck? She's like, yeah, but I'm like a little intimidated because people who have like more experience than me just left. So like, I don't really know.

But of course, Kizzy is pushing for this because Kizzy wants to be the start of the interior. And V is getting all the attention. So she is advocating for her to get on out on the deck. Yeah, she's like Yeah, but you didn't have experience when you came in here And you're still smashing it in here, aren't you? I'm smashing it a little too hard If you ask me, get the fuck out of here.

Not tire. So she wants her out of there And also, someone just wanting to be on deck So badly is funny. She's like, oh my God, all I want to do is work outside all day And mop the side of a boat. Please. Please.

Kizzy's basically announces that she was planted a seed to get V out there and just hoping it's going to grow. So then Sandy calls Nathan and Aisha to the bridge. And as they head up there, we have this kind of amazing shot of it's like one of the stationary cameras that's just like one of the GoPro's on the wall. It's in the crew mess. And we just see the staircase and we hear Max, like, oh no. And we see like one orange tumble down and then a second one. And then like 50 oranges go down the staircase. It was like such an amazing shot. Okay, here we are in the bridge.

Well, I've got some news for you. Okay, since we fired two, not one, but two deckhands, it sweeps, it's sweeps month. I've found you a replacement. He's a real good deckhand. He's experienced. He will literally fuck a doorknob. His name is Joe. Oh, Joe.

Oh, I love that you did this for sweeps months. It'll be so good for the ratings at this pivotal time for advertisers. No, no. Sweeps Months means it's the month where you get more people to sweep things. So, yeah, Joe's coming on board. Joe's coming for sweepst month. And guess what? You know, I know it might creep some people out. Just warn everybody on deck that Joe will smile at them with his teeth touching each other perfectly,

like an odd little child smiling for his first picture. Okay? You know what's great about Joe when he smiles? He can't tell if he's smiling or frowning. It's just what you project onto him. He's just like that one emoji. that's just like an oval the teeth in it.

Just tell people every time you make Joe laugh, he's going to try showing off his flashing skills because that's basically what he's doing every time he smiles. He's like, Hello. Hello.

Hello. They, you know, I don't want to, I had a vision in the future that we might not be able to leave the doc tonight, but if the guests get bored, they can just stare at Joe's face long enough

until they can't tell the difference between Joe's face and chicken run. It's really fun. Oh, it's so sad we've lost two coined lovely people today, but how cool they're Joe's coming back. Yeah, me and Joe, we're on a whole different level. And so we see wacky scenes of Nathan and Joe being like wacky boys together. They have a bromance, guys.

They have one of those infamous below-deck bromances that we just can't get enough of on this show. I know. It's like all of the Bravo fandom was like, when are Nathan and Joe going to be reunited? God, we love the two of them together. Weren't they so hilarious? That's all I need. I really need a scene of Joe talking about how he really wants Nathan to finger his butthole again. God, that was fun. Oh, it's like Lucy and Ethel. But the pro version, like if Lucy had a hairstyle of a monk

and Ethel just liked to bang a lot of things, which by the way, we all know Ethel did. Let's be honest. Okay. If Ethel was just hinting most of the time that she wanted a little anal from her roomy. Okay. It would be basically the same thing. If Ethel were just obsessed with impressing her grandfather, God, that's what this would be. Oh, yeah, I forgot that. Like an odd, I'm doing it's awful, but I can't have done.

Anywho, where are we? Okay, so Sandy is like, we're dead. We're dead. This isn't even happening. We died a long time, McGill. That one's even on the other end. with this phone. We're all dead. Captain Sandy's like, okay, well,

I'm going to start looking for another decan, but, you know, it is August in the middle of the medsummer. You know what that means? Everyone's going back to flying. Oh, wow, I just saw a plane fall out of this guy. Man, that Christian really gets back on the horse quickly. Give him that.

So then I know the only thing that America wants more than Joe and Nathan reunited are scenes of Kizzy texting her boyfriend we've never met and we barely know anything about. Tommy. So here she goes. He texts and says, I hated today. She goes, don't worry. I promise it won't be this hectic the whole time. Great love. So so enthralling. So he is another one of these

below deck boyfriends who gets jealous that his girlfriend is not around. And then guilts her because she's off doing her job. It's a pretty big trope on this show. Yeah, dump Tommy. Tommy's a loser. Yeah, I get rid of Tommy. Just let it up like you want to. And Aisha mentions that it's bad weather to Sandy.

She's like, oh my God, I didn't even see this in the TV guy. Does that mean wind is coming out? Got to get to my screen. There are showers. Oh, my God, showers. By the way, speaking of bad weather, did you see that footage of the, the special airplane that went into the eye of Hurricane Melissa that was that

that was showing today. I did. I just watched that. Yes. I remember seeing that movie the day after tomorrow. It's just like a circular cloud that they're inside, right? Yeah. What was that movie the day after tomorrow or the day after the morning after tomorrow or whatever

where like terrible weather hits the world and it all freezes over? And there was like a moment where like a big hurricane like hit and they like they sort of like they created that imagery. But this was real. And I was like, wow. I was like, wow. I didn't know it was so calm inside of a hurricane. Yeah, the eye of the hurricane is famously where it's super calm.

So like when the eye passes over, everything comes down and you're like, oh my God, the hurricane's over, but it's actually not. I think the other side of it is supposed to be even worse. I wanted to visit. I was like, that looks lovely, the eye of the hurricane. It's just so calm and peaceful. It's like a wall of clouds. And then, you know, I guess it's not.

It's crazy. It doesn't end well. But I sure was pretty on the inside. Yeah, well, I hope everyone in Jamaica's okay because they're saying they're going to get hit really hard. So, you know. Yeah, I was really worried for Jamaica looking at that. That's not, I mean, that thing was huge. They said it's 10 miles.

That's wild. Well, I have the hurricane was 10 miles in the diameter. That's crazy, right? That's crazy. Yeah, I hope everyone's going to be okay. Okay, so back to this stupid. Like God, we hope people's houses aren't destroyed and, like, people don't lose their lives. Anyway, back to Captain Sandy.

Hey, what's going on in? I know, geez, thanks for the upper then. Nice pivot. The pivot award, the best pivot of Q4 goes to Ben Mandelgur, talking about blowdeck sailing, Mediterranean. So V is asking Nathan about the team, what who's on the team, and she basically throws her hat in the ring. And if that's the, is that the expression, hat in the ring? She throws a hat. It lands somewhere.

Yeah, you throw your hat by the ring. You throw your ring with a hat. She threw a ring. She threw something. She threw something. It's like, ouch. Yeah, you throw your hat in the ring. She's like, so who's your team tomorrow, Nathan?

He's like, I don't know. She goes, how do you feel about me switching? You're a fucking turncoat. That's how I feel. No, I just mean coming from the outside to the inside. Sorry. Sorry. Okay.

Well, you know, I've just like, I've had one week of actual deck and safety on an 80-foot yacht. Decks do on a 100-foot yacht. But, you know, I have done lines and fenders. So you're obviously going to have to teach me a couple of things. But, you know, I do pick things up. Quickly, and he's like, I'll think about it. Quick question. Go ahead, Ben, sorry.

You'll see a beautiful jolly fish floating along. What do you do? I touch it, then touch my eye. Well, I guess that's good enough. You're on the team. Good enough to be Leddakhan, then. All right, I'll think about it. I'll chat with the captain later to see with anyone.

I was going to go in there now, but all I can hear from her, uh, from the bridge is BB, BB, BB and BB over and over again. Hey, baby, baby, hey, me, me. or the sexiest cutie-by face. So now everyone's getting ready to go out for the evening.

Kizzy puts her fist in her mouth because why not? And they all have fun. They get into cars. And Max is like, oh, in two months, I have sex just one time. And Kizzy's like, oh God, it's going to be a long six weeks.

Oh, I mean, they're these attractive. of guys prating around the boat, and I want to have my cake and eat it. That's not the right thing to do. It's not fair on Tom. It's so hard to having a conscience. I'm sure. Commercials. Here comes one right now. So they go to dinner, and now, you know, Max is picking up kizzy, and they're flirting, and everybody eats some drinks and they cheers each other and they've got a deckhand replacement and it's Joe so they announced that at dinner and Nathan says that he's my best friend he's my best friend he's your best friend so I can be my best friend too. I'm sorry Buddha's busy

huh? So Kizzy is like do you think Joe's going to be in love with her be or is he can be in with me. He, he, he, he, he, I'm a flirt. And Nathan's like, I don't know. He could be, which, like, I'm just counting down to the moment where Joe says, oh, God, Kizzy, oh, I'm going to be in trouble here. Oh, God, Kizzy is trouble. Oh, everyone's trouble.

It's the classic fuck boy thing. Yeah, they're all trouble. I was coming here trying to be a good guy. Now everybody's going to get me in trouble. Yeah, that's what they always take themselves out of, like, the causality. Like, everyone's going to get me in trouble. So, but then Josh reminds Kizzy, like, but you're taking goods. He's not going to fall for you.

He's not going to go for you because you're taking goods. And she's like, like, so mad. So mad that he, like, brings up that inconvenient fact for her that she loves to brandish at the last second. He's like, but I love, it's so nice to have people love you. I just love love. I just love love. Wow, wow, wow. So we go back to the boat.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, Norma. Sorry, I was going to say back at the boat and Sandy's texting Norma. Hey, Norma, quick update. It's Friday night and you're still at home watching reruns of just the 10 of us. Okay, TGIF is over, bitch. Bye. Oh, hey there. Yeah. It's better than listening to the nonstop idiotic radio show that is BB, BB, BB, that you seem to be playing nonstop over there. Bloop. Hey, you know what? I didn't really hear what you said because my connection. broke up. Were you trying to eat my Wi-Fi again? Bloop. Hey there. Filled one deck position. Okay. So that's good.

I heard that from you. Great. Good for you. Filled one deck position. Okay. So I guess you're going to do your job badly again. And then I'll be sitting here ready to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart again. Bloop.

Pick up the pieces when it all falls apart again. Are you talking about your Oreos again? God, I love watching your church. chase those things across the kitchen floor. Bloop. Bloop. Fuck you, Kinkles. It's late at night, okay?

I'm on the horn here trying to find someone on only fans. You know how hard it is shopping for deck hands when you got a boner? Did you die? I think that weather's coming in. I'm not, can't quite hear you, Norma. I just assume you try to diss me. So just pretend I diss. I dissed you back and just know I love you I love you and don't get too lonely tonight

hold on I'm going to go text my wife that I have because I went on a date that was successful that went to future dates anyway I know that's far experience for you but okay what are you spending time in the eye of our hurricane over there sandy geez well congratulations you know the eye of the hurricane has found something actually more sucking than it is wow I think you're thinking about tornadoes, but that's okay. I know, listen, if there's anyone who got excited for that Twister's movie, it was you,

huh? But that's because you probably thought it was a movie about tomatoes, not tornadoes. But hey, that's okay. It was a movie about pretzels, you dumb bitch. Bloop. So now the crew is heading out to go party, and they're going to do shots, you guys, and Max and Kizzy

are still flirting. And so Aisha is talking to Josh about how he feels and you know you know clowns have feelings you guys and she's like just remember you don't have to do everything the guests say because they don't appreciate it anyway and he's like yeah you know like people send things back like this is a fear driver for me you know what i mean like i just don't want that shit to happen so i think i try to probably just go a bit too much you know maybe i just need to pull back a little bit just like doing things to excellence but like on a smaller variety

like you're gonna burn yourself out otherwise. Here's what I want you to concentrate on, all right? Mediocrity. That's really what you need to get your arms around. Embrace it. Listen, normally I would have to strive for excellence but you part-time do clown work

so we really know we have a certain ceilings and let's not try to go above that, okay? Max and Nathan are chatting, and Max is talking about Joe. He's like, is it going to be the same with Joe here? Is everything going to change? Like, what the hell? And he's like, well, you need to keep your emotions and see if we can work together as a team. And then I can see you in a leadership position.

I can. I can see you're going far. Lead to care. Oh, of course. Of course. And Joe, Joe's your friend, bro. Huh? Joe's your friend, huh?

Yeah, but I have to think professional because you've proven so much. but I want you to correct the emotional part. That's the thing. Show me with the fist one. Show me with the fist one. And bump. Oh, this hurts my fist, you motherfucker. You will pay.

Your old family will pay. That's what I'm talking about. You're losing your mind. You can't lose your mind like that. Max is going to have a total meltdown when Joe becomes the deckhand. I'll say that much. It's going to be a total nightmare. So now everyone goes back to the boat.

and Nathan's telling Max that he should go after Kizzy, and Max is like, yeah, but she has a boyfriend. And he's like, well, whatever, fuck it, go for it. And now people are going to sleep. And Kizzy's like, by the way, Aisha, do you think really quickly, do you think I'm like a fucking idiot for coming on here with a guy that I'm dating for the first time? She's like, well, I mean, you've only been with him a month.

And, you know, if you guys are dating, it's only for six months. Yeah, I totally get it. but yes, you're a bit of an idiot, aren't you? Good night. Can I just go to sleep without having to answer stupid questions of stupid girls? Because she's trying to go to bed. She's like, hold on. What about my boyfriend?

She's like, for crazy. Can I just candle and go to bed? She's like, can I just watch this video of someone popping a pimple? Thank you. Yeah. Well, what I've seen of Kitsy so far? She shouldn't be. with a boyfriend.

She's pointing for every guard's attention. And she's like, yeah, but I do have a good connection with both Max and Nathan. So what do I do? What do I do? Oh, my God. Shut up, Kizzy. God.

Read a book. Aisha gives, like, the most generic advice just to get out of the conversation. She just goes, this is your life. Good night. It's like, I'm not going to provide any insight. You're a dumb twit. just focus on wind decking things tomorrow thank you very much yeah so now it's 6 a.m. in the morning and captain sandy is glued to a television screen because it's season five of wind

and it's cloudy and it's seven hours before charter will we get another deckhand what's going to happen is the storm going to kill everybody will norma ever finish dreaming about pretzels because i said the word twister god um and josh is getting ready and now sandy's on the bridge texting Norma. Still no deckhand? Still no deckhand? Still no deckhand. Still no deckhand. Still no deckhand, bitch. Still no deck hand. Bloop. Okay. Well, uh, if your job was sitting around doing nothing, I'll tell you what, you would get a raise right now. Bloop. You're lucky that a tornado didn't come for you. Because, Guess what? A pretzel could have hit you in the head and knocked you right out of those capri pants. That's for sure. And then then it would be a happy camper. Okay. Be careful out there, bitch. Bloop.

I know a pretzel would never hit me in the head because once the wind started blowing it towards me, you jump up like Lassie and grab it out of, grab it out of the air like magic. Bloop. Well, at least one of us has an emergency around here. Am I right? Please try to not crash your boat again. Bloop. Oh, I'm so sorry. There's an invisible gush coming around the corner. It's a little. about to get Dennis Quaid. Sorry, I got to go, wins on. Bloop. So you say Dennis, I am.

Yeah. He's my, he's my hall pass. Bloop. Wow, if he knew that, he changed his name to Dennis Afraid. Bloop. Well, it's better than your hall pass, a.k.a. Mark Helgenberger.

you don't even need a hall pass because everyone you've ever approached says pass bloop well at least my hall isn't as big and open as yours if you know what I'm saying yeah you would know because you've been passed by the entire hall I don't have to worry about that because I'm single And there is no hall pass for me. It's called, just live in life. Just live in life.

Bloop. Have fun in your caftan for the rest of your life. It's basically your tomb. So I hope you pick a comfy one. Bloop. I'm sorry, I wasn't listening to you because I was too busy writing another love letter to Dennis Quaid. I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Bloop. So Captain Sandy is updating Aisha. Joe is coming this morning. and then I'm still short a deckhand, you know? Gosh, I hope the deckhand's not short because then I'm going to be short a short deckhand. That's saying a lot of shorts in one sentence, am I right? So just thinking, you do have a stewardess, right?

Victoria, V, you know, I don't want to call her V because I really hated that show. It was scary. People ate rats. I mean, they were aliens, but still, aliens shouldn't eat rats either. You know, rats are necessary. Otherwise, we can't test makeup. And then my wife, her face would melt off. So it's important.

Anyway, the point is, Victoria has deck experience. Did you know that? Yes, unfortunately. And, you know, here's another question. If we're short at deckhand and that deckhand is short and that deck hand is wearing shorts, then we're short, a short deckhand wearing shorts. But if they wear capri pants,

does that mean we're short a short person wearing a long short? Think about it. I hope I don't ever yell at him, so I don't have to say, whoa, hey, short person with short pants that are trying to be long short pants. Sorry for getting short with you. This remains me. Did we ever find out if Martin Short was interested in becoming a deckhand? Well, it's tricky, because mainly mornings and dinner, when I need V the most, I need her, so she can't be out there.

Well, I guess that works, because maybe you need more during the day. He's like, yeah, but I'll need one deck to the night. shift and um yeah so it's just like well it'd be mean kizzi doing everything but you know i'll always do my mediocre best i'm really being into mediocre this year yeah she's like oh i'm checking out thank you selfishly the last thing i want is to give via because i think we've finally got this beautiful cohesive team but luckily for everyone i am larger thinking chiefs too who knows she He's to do the best of the whole boat. So just consider me the good witch of the boat.

So they're moving V to the deck part time. Now we go to Max doing pull-ups on the railing. And it was the same railing that Nathan used to tell Tessa had smudges all over it. And now we see why. Now we see why, Max. Wow, that's some good lure on that railing. And then Aisha is telling the team that basically Nathan, she and Nathan will be sharing custody of V, and Vee is all excited about this. And she's like, wow, she's like, this opportunity to do DAC is like a breath of fresh air.

Like, but quite literally because I get to go outside and breathe like fresh air. You see what I'm saying? Okay, so when you go outside, there's air and that's fresher, but the air that on the inside is like more stale. So when you go outside, it's truly like fresh air. Is my joke landing? And Kizzy's saying she's going to have to do even more now with just two. But she probably should have thought of that before she planted her seed. And then she's like, oh my God, did I just say plant a seed?

It's hilarious, isn't it? That sounds dirty. Whoops. So now people are taking out of trash. And Nathan is, there's this long, okay, there's this long shot of Nathan going and bringing like the garbage to the dumpster. Notably, he's barefoot. I feel like I don't want to walk around the dumpster area barefoot. First of all, I think that'd be like broken glass nearby. Second of all, just dumpster juices. And I just think that's kind of like gross. I mean, admittedly,

he walks around hoses all day long so he could always hose down his feet. But I was sort of like grossed out by that. And while I was reflecting on this, lo and behold, the metaphor of dumpster juices arrives. Joe, he pulls up and then they hug and have a romantic moment. Yeah, now Aisha comes. you start squealing and Joe shows us those teeth. And he's like, oh, I'm back, baby. Do I have anything in my teeth? Huh? I was literally navigating off the watch 35 metre.

I was out at sea. Got the text from Captain Cindy saying that my best mate needed me on deck, get me on. I do consider myself a really good deckhand, but I had a few flaws. So let's take a look and see my flaws. Where the women love me. They just love me. Couldn't stay out of them. Whoopie pie, that's what I make.

If I was the chef, I'd make only whoopie pie. Girls love me. They love me. So then Max meets Joe, and then, uh, you know, and Joe is saying like, Oh, I've just done a level up and feel so good. I'm so confident within myself. I'm just ready to absolutely smash it. Um, and then Joe goes, he's happening Sandy and they hug, and he once again says he's ready to smash it. He says he's ready to smash it quite a bit.

That's one thing no one's ever said when they've looked at Norma. I'll tell you that. Get out there and do your best. Ah, good, better best. Never let it rest until your goods, your norman your norm is you're not so good anymore. Okay. So Aisha is like, okay, well, guess what? Max, now you've met the infamous Joe.

What do you think? He's always good looking. He's a bit of time. Because this is really what bros care about, like how big is your chest. And in fact, like, later on, they literally grew up each other's pecks. And they're like, oh, nice picks. Yeah. Oh, nice pecks.

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