Watch What Crappens - #309: The New Face of 'Jersey'

Episode Date: July 12, 2016

Holy Moly! Tre is home for the holidays! "Real Housewives of New Jersey" is back, and not only are the Giudices reunited, but we've got some new faces to hang out with too. First there's Dolores, who we sort of already know, and then Siggy! We love Siggy! Things are looking up for the franchise! Then it's on to Orange County where it's an hour full of highways, beach parties, and leg infections. Fun times! 00:00:00 - Intro 00:06:47 - Crappens Mailbag! 00:24:13 - RHONJ 01:14:06 - RHOC Subscribe at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Today's episode of Watch What Crappens is brought to you by our Patreon Premium subscribers, Christy Dougherty and Nicole Chickering. Watch what crappens. Watch what crappens.

Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Crappens. Crappens. Crappens. Crappens. Crappens. Crappens. Crappens.

Watch what crappens. Watch what crappens Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and The Banter Blender, and joining me as usual is the wonderful Texas having just been to, if that's an adjective, Texas returning, hilarious, lovely Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com, if that's an adjective. Text is returning. Hilarious, lovely. Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com and Rose Pricks Podcast

and also Big Brother Smother Podcast. Oh, yes. Lots of talking. Lots of talking. I'm trying to make sure I got all my syllables correct when I was giving the endorsements of your various creations which are all doing wonderfully

this summer a lot of yapping and I thoroughly enjoyed getting to fill in for you last week with our own lovely Mr. Matt Whitfield and Justin Martindale oh my god thank you so much for doing that it was crazy having a

whole day of podcasting off. I did feel so guilty. In the end, I had to sit there and watch seven hours of TV anyway. I don't know what the hell the point was. The fun part is talking about it. I had a blast talking with those two about Big Brother. I had a lot of things I needed to get off my chest. It was really good.

I got a lot of good Matt Woodfield time in this weekend because Matt and I also participated in this crazy game show afternoon at our friend's house on sunday and um it was pure insanity i wish actually i wish everyone could have seen matt woodfield uh because at one point there was like a bonus round for it there There was a simulation of chain reaction. And the bonus round for that is where two people have to create a clue question. So I would say what. And then you'd say is. And I would say something. And then you'd say that.

Yada, yada, yada. Until you get to the question. And at one point he was trying to do one for Rose. The clue was Rosieie o'donnell so he and another guy had to create a sentence cluing a third person into rosie o'donnell and so the sentence was like who is a lesbian that and he goes had a and he goes talk and the next person was supposed to say show like talk show and the next person and the next person said with instead of show and matt's eyes flared in such a magnificent way i wish all of the listeners could have seen it

i love an angry whitfield eye flare he was so angry and we also did when loser draw and he had to draw kristen wigg and he drew four women and a ghost and not once did I think Ghostbusters. And he was also mad about that. He should have made a picture of a bunch of really angry male comedy nerds. Like, really people?

You guys are this mad about an all-female Ghostbusters? Yeah, seriously. My Facebook is a fire. They're like, how dare they? I'm like, oh my God. Get back to masturbating in your mom's bedroom, okay? Please, please. So anyway, we're here not to talk about Matt Woodfield,

although we could do that for hours. We are here to talk Bravo. And first and foremost, if you really want to talk about Bravo, you go to our Facebook page, facebook.com forward slash watch what crap ends. Big conversations have been taking place there. You can go to watch what crap ends dot com to find links to our social media like Twitter and Snapchat, et cetera, and Instagram and support us at patreon.com forward slash watch what crap ends where you get access.

Excuse me to bonus episodes. forward slash watch for crap ends where you get access, excuse me, to bonus episodes. We just did yet another hilarious one about Amazon prime day, which is happening as we speak. And of course, food network star, which I have to admit, Ronnie, I'm actually having more fun talking about food network star than all the

shows on Bravo. Even though the shows on Bravo are amazing. The food network star discussion is kind of my favorite thing that we do all week. Well, I definitely, I still have so much fun with how all the housewives shows, but yeah, that Food Network Star to me totally beats hands down Shaw's and Below Deck combined. Oh, well. I love the Food Network Star.

It's not that Food Network Star is a better show. I just think talking about it is just thoroughly entertaining. Because I feel like we're just highly opinionated about it. Some of the shows come on and we don't really have many thoughts about it. But we have fun because we do impersonations or whatever. But with Food Network Star, we are both genuinely fired up about the idiocy on display. Man, and it's not like we're pro cooks we like we're home cooks we're like the people on the food network but man these people geez yeah it's as as we said on the

show it's a sad state of affairs when anna from real housewives of miami is a front runner for anything for anything really for anything and And that includes the deli line. Like, oh, her number is more than mine? How is that possible? How did that girl get a better number than me and line at Baskin Robbins? Even that. Oh, goodness. So, let's see.

We're talking today about Shazza Sunset at one point. We'll talk about Orange County. And, of course course the return of real housewives of new jersey oh lord oh lord but first we gotta go to the post office because oh wait call recorder warning call recorder may not record video properly if skype's main window is not in the active space well shut the fuck up. Yeah, and ain't no one using video, call recorder, you dumb hooker. We just updated you. Just updated you, you stupid call recorder.

That was an inside peek into the Watch for Crappins production process. Us cursing at our computers. And you know what? I'm saying this right now because I'm going to forget to edit that out in post. Everyone's just going to have to listen. Listen to the call recorder situation. As I was saying, going to the crappin's mailbag

crappin's mailbag this week is brought to you by muhammad and his boner it's the picture we use for the crappin's mailbag this week if you haven't seen it go to our face This week is brought to you by Mohammed and his boner. It's the picture we used for the Krappen's mailbag this week. If you haven't seen it, go to our Facebook page. Someone, by the way, someone on our Facebook page really nailed the description of Mohammed's hair. It is Debbie Downer. It is full on Rachel Dratch. I keep saying Jodie Foster hair, but no, it is Rachel Dratch hair.

So wait, he has a boner? I'm going to our own Facebook page right now to check it out. I didn't notice what it was. I don't know if he has a boner. Just the way his pants are... You know I love a penile outline since Adam talked about it on... It's a big, chunky penile outline.

Oh my god, that is not a boner. That is some old man pain. Because the only things that keep growing on you when you get old are your ears, your nose, and your pain. And your Rachel Dratch hair. That looks like a Coke can. Yeah, something. I don't understand it.

Who's the guy next to him in white jeans? The other Middle East. Well, I guess they're all Middle Eastern guys, right? Well, Korea. Oh, my God. He's got a huge one, too. Smutla Boys. So I actually found this picture. middle eastern guys right well yeah so i actually god he's got a huge one too some mullah boys so i actually found this picture uh this is a beverly hills personal training um place called royalty

fitness i think um because one of the guys goes to my gym and he's just like really hot so the fun of instagram is being able to look at hot guys, right? So I follow him and then he posted a picture of this, I think. Muhammad, he looks like Cloris Leachman with a Coke candy. Cloris Leachman doing a Rachel Dratch impersonation. Which is bound to happen

someday. Oh, so good. Okay, so we, oh my god, we have 12 questions. Wow, this is amazing. First of all, MJ Steel says, I miss Ronnie, by the way. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Oh, thank you. MJ Steel says, Vicky buys her daughter a house, but she needs a goddamn nurse. What the fuck?

Am I out of line? And then, just to piggyback on that, Lola Del Rio says that was a bribe to get Brianna home. You know, she hates it out in wherever she is. Oh, even that psycho shit in law couldn't find enough manhood to say no to a sugar grandma. Oh, Lola. Lola is fired up today. day so is um is mj steel out of line for saying that vicky should have gotten should had a nurse for brianna well brianna's been sick forever and she is a nurse already and she is a nurse and it's one of those things where you know somebody with a long-term ish it's like after a

while you're just like yeah has your cancer okay well today i had a great time at tuesday morning you will not believe the comforter i found and i mean i know it's insensitive but like how much you're going to talk about the same medical issues yeah i i don't actually know if brianna needs a nurse i think that like you know she is she has this terrible infection but i imagine you need you need a nurse if you are if you have trouble walking like you've just had some like you know like a hip replacement or something like that or you're like bedridden right she needs a nanny which yeah i mean what you need i mean i don't know what she needs i i a nurse would be nice i don't think she actually needs one and by the way betsy md our resident

doctor has chimed in with i can't with Vicky and another loved one sick. I just can't. Here we go with the anxious loved one of a sick family member routine again. Ma'am. It's not even a question. Betsy's just furious. You know, that's a good point. I didn't even equate the two.

But of course yeah vicky can't get any kind of sympathy for herself i'll never forget the snapchat that vicky did uh i've watched her snapchat where she was giving away everything from her kitchen she's like okay anybody want to countertop okay just send me an instagram i'll send it to you oh and haters please don't be haters okay just be nice don't be haters and i'll never forget that because vicky was just like begging america to stop hating on her and uh so of course she can't get any pity so yeah there's like a sick family member again yeah but but there's a difference here this is her daughter and this is like a real illness and and Brianna's had health troubles for several years now.

So it's different. It doesn't feel to me like the typical pity party situation. It's like, this is scary shit. I mean, she's getting hauled off in an ambulance next week. Well, Brianna is certainly not pity party for herself like Brooks was. But Vicky is still. It's pity party for me. Like every time she gets into a fight, she'll be like,

Brianna, well, you know, Brianna, you know, fight, whatever, five boys, lymph nodes, whatever it is, you know, it hurts me. Like Vicky, it's not your disease, woman. I don't know. I give her a pass. It's her daughter. I give Brianna a forever pass and Vicky a never pass but also never leave because I love you.

I don't even care. Like I think you're a satanic monster and you're amazing stay on the show forever um theresa maravich beloved theresa she says just discovered there's a town near san diego called ramona they have a rodeo you know what comes next please do a ramona and the animals of rode partner? Okay. Whoa, this is crazy. I have to get on a fucking Bronco for eight seconds? I'm sorry. You know what?

That's de classe. I'm sorry. I don't get on fucking Broncos. Okay? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay? Like, I know it's a rodeo because I could hear you guys from the parking lot.

All I heard was rodeo, rodeo, rodeo, rodeo. And here I am, and it's a rodeo. Sheesh. Okay, bull. Okay, what I need you to do right now is to calm down. Calm down. Take a Xanax. I'm trying to ride you right now, okay?

Like, I'm sorry. If you don't like clowns, it's not my problem. If you don't like the color red, it's not my problem, okay? Maybe if they had Ramona Blue, the bull would calm down. Calm down. You know, I'm sorry. I can't do it down. Calm down. You know, I'm sorry. I can't do it. I can't.

You know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'd love to take a Xanax, but I don't know what the drugstore is. Like, isn't there a drugstore here? Like, I saw a drugstore. Oh, boy. Hey, you know what? Hey, you know what, Bull?

You know what? I'm sorry. You know what? I, you know what? I should have recognized that this is not the time or the place to tell you to calm down, okay? So I'm sorry. And I'm telling you, I love you. I miss you. I want our old thing back. Bull and Ramona, okay? So I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Here, can we get a hug? Can we get a hug? Okay? Because you still got me in your life, okay? I'm sorry. I still can't even see a clown car without crying because one time my dad drank a lot of pool and he opened the door and all these little children came out, and then he threw a noodle in my mother's head. Whoa, whoa, this is crazy, okay?

Being in this rodeo, it reminds me, when I was a little girl, I once went to a farm, and I said, hey, look, there's a cow. And I went to touch the cow, and Geraldine Parsons-Smith came up and said, hey, that's a chicken. And the chicken pecked me on the hand, and to this day, I still can't eat chicken. I I went to touch the cow. And Geraldine Parsons-Smith came up and said, hey, that's a chicken. And the chicken pecked me on the hand. And to this day, I still can't eat chicken. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Smells like mastro in here. Hey, who pooped?

Smells like cow manure in here. Okay? Like, why would I want to be here? Okay, someone get a private plane. I need to get out of this rodeo right now. It's not my first time here. Get it? I'm sorry. It's my first time at the rodeo. Okay. It's not my first time here. Get it? I'm sorry.

My first time at the rodeo. Okay. Hey, you know what? How about a cow? Okay. You know, I want a cow who feels renewed. Okay.

I just want to walk around on a cow. Can we just do that for once? Why do we always have to be jumping around? Why do we have to be bouncing? It's too much. It's too much.

You know, Bethany, this cow is, this bull, it's too aggressive. Growing up in Texas, I went to a lot of rodeos and i remember just sitting there being like why was i born in this life why what did i do to deserve this what like you know none of these men trim their their pubic hair you know they all got arm arm hair back hair nose hair ear hair. It smells like poop. Why? Just fucking kill me in my face.

Why would you bring me here? You are, you're actually, you're actually doing a Bethany rant without the voice. I hope you realize that. Like, literally just like kill me right now. Like, seriously, like, I just hope the bull just gores me. Like, honestly, like, I want to run for president and I'll be gore. Okay, that's who I'm going to be. All right, just like take your horns and just slim me, just disembowel me.

Like, I can't with this anymore. Like, too much. I was like that as ael me. Like I can't with this anymore. Like too much. I was like that as a little kid. Maybe that's why I understand Beth. I mean, I'm like that as an adult.

I just talk slower. Like literally, like I'm bleeding all over this place. Like I'm surprised a bull hasn't like seen my red blood and just like,

just trampled me. Okay, just like, honestly, just like stampede. That's enough. Too much. Bulls, like when they see red, they go great.

Hey, like, I don't even want to sit with bethany like i'm just gonna sit over here read a book so she doesn't feel alone she's getting trampled by a bull right whoa this is crazy i feel like oj simpson because i'm on a bronco you get it get it i made a joke hey mario did you hear my oj simpson no she's married is not here luann where's luann someone wanted someone's got to hear my joke someone's got to hear it I miss the last Real Housewives of New York and I won't waste anybody's time re-going

over it because I know you guys already did a really good job of it but I was watching it last night and it kind of reminded me of a rodeo the part where Ramona comes in she's like I could hear you in the parking lot and all the ladies are just like talking at the same time for like two minutes solid. And that was kind of like what a rodeo was for me.

It's just like, and then Luanne comes in and says, girls, great news. I'm getting married to the clown. We're in love. You know how sometimes you just know It was like that

Louie Ann Bethany just got run over by a bull Why I can't believe you're talking about this Well I know I feel terrible too I mean I haven't seen my clown boyfriend in forever Well I got run over by a bull too His name is Mr. Clown And he's run over me like a Mack truck

Through the Holland Tunnel What are you on, crystal meth? Like, what's going on here? It's like a rodeo. Like, why don't we just listen? Okay, so it's eight seconds. Could you just be quiet for eight seconds? Can we just watch the bull for eight seconds?

I mean, come on. I thought you were back. I just put my face on your skinny girl bottle. I helped you invent it. Skinny girl rodeo. Skinny rodeo. Whoa, that's crazy. Skinny rodeo. Where's the's crazy. Skinny rodeo.

Where's Dorinda? Hey, you better back it up, bull. Okay, you know what? You're way too active. You gotta back it up, okay? Listen, we're from the same place, bull. Okay, we're from the same fucking place. But you don't see me jumping.

You better... Listen, hey. I put all this dust down here in the middle. I made it nice, okay? You walk like a normal... You walk like a civilized bull. Dorinda. You better made it nice, okay? You walk like a normal, you walk like a civilized bull. Dorinda. My back is up, bull.

She's the matador. Or whatever. I know matadors refer to something else, but. I think that's a matador, right? The guy who holds the red blanket. I bet that's for, like, bull. Just my color. Like, seriously, what the hell? That's a cheetah matador.

Hey, you know what? I'd be the best man to her because he couldn't see me. I'm skinny, okay? Jules is like, I broke my vagina on the bull! Hey, bull, look at this. Look at what he did to my vagina. Isn't that crazy, bull? Oh, my God, and also Jules' doctor.

Hey, you need something done with your vagina? I've never done that. I was like, whoa! Whoa, buddy. Alright, what else is in that mailbag? I was just about to make a joke about Sonia knowing the bull from Saint-Tropez, but I think it's time we moved on.

Bull who, bitch? Bull, I love you, bitch. Hey, bull, did you get my text? Hey, Bronco, you're trash. Hey, why don't you go buck somewhere else why don't you go buck on a visa wait who told you about a visa bronco who who hey bull you're rude hey shut up i'm trembling in my boots bull i can't wait to ride you bull i'm trembling shut up shut up let's just bull. A bull's a who? You're rude.

You know what? The question was only for Ramona at the rodeo, but I think what we learned is that every single person in the real Housewives universe can be equally entertaining at a rodeo. They could all make the rodeo work. And they're all puzzled by it. They all have no idea how the rodeo actually works. Sonia will be picking up all the poop off the ground, making bricks for her new basement. It's like everybody has a place at the rodeo actually works. Sonia will be picking up all the poop off the ground, making bricks for her new basement.

It's like everybody has a place at the rodeo in the house where I work. It's from bowl number three. I always have two more bowls in the basement in case bowl number one breaks. Okay. We'll end with this one. Although I don't really understand this one. Sammy Suleiman.

Now that we're full on in the OC season, what are your least favorite and favorite 90s family sitcom jokes? Oh, what? The question took a left turn. I was not expecting. I think maybe he's talking about Kelly because Kelly's always making jokes from the 90s.

Oh, yeah. What's the first part of Part B? What comes before Part B? Part A. Yeah. And Shannon says, not. Nah. I'm trying to remember any sitcom jokes Kelly would just be like

someone give me a vacuum cleaner and a fish tank because give me a break alright guys give me a break what did Cody say on Step by Step he had a line I didn't watch Step by Step is that about Step Brothers no it's Suzanne

Summers and Patrick Duffy I believe they have a mixed Brady Bunch situation. Oh, no, girl. I'm still mad at Suzanne Summers from Three's Company when she acted like a diva and ruined that. Although I did love Terry. She's the sheriff. Oh. I did love Terry, her replacement as well.

Terry is on Jane the Virgin. Did you know that? She is? Who does she play? She has a recurring role. I noticed because I was watching on – so I was on – okay. I was on an airplane. Okay.

And there was in-flight entertainment. And Jane the Virgin came on. I thought, whoa, I haven't seen Jane the Virgin before. I should watch it. And then when I was watching, it said special guest stars. I was going through it. And all of a sudden I saw Priscilla Barnes. And I thought, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's crazy.

That's Terry from Three's Company. And she was some lady in jail I love her good Chrissy replacement but yeah I'm still mad at Suzanne Somers remember when she came on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for a second she was like girls you just need to inject turtle spinal fluid into your face

you'll stay young forever and I'm like you're not young A you don't look young B and you quit Three's Company so why don't you go fuck yourself? Here's one. I just got a message from Heaven from John Ritter. He says, fuck yourself, Dwight. What about, you know, she did have a show that I found recently I had forgotten about entirely called She's the Sheriff.

And one of the co-stars was the woman who was the voice of Ursula from Little Mermaid. How about that? Oh, wait. Who was the voice from... Who was the... What? Who was the voice? I'm trying to remember.

I just dropped a lot of knowledge on you. It was too much because I was trying to remember what Arnold used to say to Willis in different strokes. What you talking about, Willis? What you talking about, Willis? That was my strokes. What you talking about, Willis? That was my favorite. What you talking about, Willis? And everybody would be like,

whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! They would always get applause. I am still wondering what Cody said on Step by Step. I'm actually going to tweet it out. I'm going to say, what was Cody's tagline on Step by Step? Don't fuck up my career, Suzanne Summers.

I can't remember for the life of me. That was his line. Please help. I just tweeted it out. Oh, I forgot my other one. Oh, my other favorite line is a good dovetail to end with this. It was Ray's line in that show with the little twins, but they played one girl.

Full House. How rude. How rude. How rude. Well, Full House had a whole bunch. Full House had how rude and cut it out. And also, oh oh have mercy and then i think that stephanie may have had one too oh lord i just remember the little twin girls who are now like heroin addict billionaires who

walk around the city with old dates love them um okay well while we wait on this very important um cody tagline, why don't we close up the mailbag and we'll get to all the rest later. Those are good. Good mailbag. Mailbag. Mailbag. Mailbag.

Mailbag. We've got tons of shows today, friend. What would you like to discuss first? Well, I think that we should open with New Jersey. It's back. New Jersey is back! Season familiar! And it's still, like, hilariously trying to skew in Teresa's favor.

Andy, the only reason I saw this is because someone added me in this tweet, but Andy's like, oh, wow. Could anybody watch Real Housewives of New Jersey without crying? I know I couldn't. Shut up, Andy. I know. I will admit, just jumping forward all the way to the very end, I mean, I thought it was like a nice moment.

It was daughters getting reunited with their mother that's like inherently like it does sort of make you like oh that is like it's like i would have gotten misty-eyed if i didn't hate the whole situation so much but that being said like well gerbils cry they also eat the heads off their own babies so there you go do you feel bad for gerbils i don't so this opens with theresa on her way back from jail and she's like it's like a bad dream it's like a bad dream and then they show clips of the past jail blah blah blah and then jacqueline she doesn't even want me to be there for her and then we get to see all these flashbacks where we see the evolution of the gorgobald head meth face yeah it was once again jersey starts off on like a

way too serious it just takes itself too seriously i think that's one of the problems with this franchise also it's like oh let's have serious like mournful piano music and put on a very serious chyron two weeks earlier two weeks earlier and that's like 18 hours five hours before teresa arrives one minute it's like jesus 4 34 a.m i know it's like you think you're watching like a special about 9 11 you know 10 minutes before the tower went down you know it's it's like, no, it's Teresa showing up at home. Just everyone calm down. Well, Joe Gorga, the evolution of Joe Gorga is kind of a national tragedy. Like, we should take a moment every year

and be like, oh, God, that's sad. Because they kept showing Joe Gorga pictures. I mean, that guy has gone through 30 years on the show. He looks like a totally different... And he doesn't look old or anything. He just looks so completely different. I think he's still doing whatever drugs he's doing still hot uh because he does get more and more meth meth face as he goes but yeah still hot i mean i still do him and i'm embarrassed to say it but man those crazy eyes never change i love an angry tiny little man he's got a good

personality too though i think oh he does we finally have a response on the on the cody front everyone ladies finally that was so quick oh my god stephanie persephone says didn't he just do that goofy surf laugh and say like whoa dude oh yeah that sounds about right sounds thank you stephanie persephone oh i love rhymes. I love Twitter. Twitter really saves the day. The music starts blowing. It's like two weeks earlier and the music is like or whatever.

I was like, this show is made for $5 because it was blowing out the speakers at my mom's. It sounded like someone was banging on my head. They don't even have someone to mix their fucking loops from the GarageBand. Come on now. You know what's funny?

I had to turn the volume down too, especially because I had just been watching Big Brother where everyone speaks in whispers, and I'm like crank it up to hear it over the air conditioner, and then all of a sudden there's a... Unless they're in the diary room, and then they all talk like that. I know.

I know. Oh, Jesus. So anyways, so now two weeks weeks prior now we go to something significantly less interesting than something that was already not interesting uh it was melissa opening up she's demoing a place because she's gonna open up a boutique called envy and and joe is gonna help joe gorga is helping her as like oh this is going to be your arc opening up a store. Like we saw this with Cafes. OK, we don't we don't need to see it with Envy. Yes.

Can you remind me? Because my memory is just really bad. And we've covered this show for a long time. I don't remember wanting Melissa Gorga to die. Like, when did that happen? Like, I want her. I wanted an anvil to drop on her head. What did that happen?

It happened when she said, no. Well, she's always been, okay. Here is my oral history of Melissa Gorga. Oral history with that hoke. I don't know. Rename it. Here's what I remember about her. So in the beginning, I was always a fan of hers because I really, I hated

Teresa and Teresa was such an asshole in season three when Melissa came around that even though Melissa was kind of passive aggressive and a little whiny, I was still on her side. And then I, you know, I can, I always continue to be on her side. I've always perennially been on Melissa's side versus Teresa, but she has gotten whinier and whinier and and she she doesn't understand she doesn't seem to realize when she is just so full of it for instance theresa checks in and she's like well i wasn't invited to go see her in prison but that's okay fam has got to do with fam you know it's her choice it's her choice if she wants to be a total cunt that's fine you know it's her choice she's in jail i mean look look what do

i have to complain about i'm free i am not in jail i don't have a felony on my record because i'm not a bitch i have good judgment so what do i have to complain about you know it's okay she's talking uh she's like well me and joe have built the life that we've always wanted together and we're finally in the house we built together yeah because the person you sold it to didn't they get like sued because or he didn't pay the rent or they can't sell it because the marble is made out of foam i mean it's some bulls i couldn't honestly with the bank the way that the finances work on this show i can't keep anything like straight yeah there was something weird like they ended up selling it

or renting it but then the person never paid the bill or the rent and then they they couldn't sell it because i mean we saw the marble the marble was made out of foam it was like crumbling yeah so i think they had to take it back it was like leaking smelled like you know like i think i think with melissa the reason why this season she's she's starting off on kind of an insufferable note is because watching her open up a boutique just feels like it's something for the show. When there are these entrepreneurial things, sometimes they're entertaining. But when it's just like, oh, I'm building a store and you're going to frame it in you being an empowered modern woman well yeah it's great more women should own businesses but this is like this is not interesting to me watching you the money that you got from your husband i mean when she has the nerve to say

i want my kids to look at me like they look at joe with respect because you know i took all his money and bought myself a store like what the hell are you talking about and she says at one part i bought this with all my own money. Yeah. No, you didn't. See, the thing is this. Here's one of the reasons why Bethany is super successful. Because her entrepreneurial thing was authentic.

It's really what she was doing. It's what she cared about. And every season it grew. Like, Melissa, she's like, well, I want to be a singer. And then, you know, now the singing career. Even though she actually wasn't half bad, that's gone. And then everything is just like it always feels like people trying to be like Bethany, quick grabs for money. This ain't going to work.

I mean, she's got a partner. Basically, she was smart enough at least to partner with someone who's going to do all the work. And it's this orange old lady lady who's like I'll get this door ready honey you do whatever you need to do I'll be here in the strip mall come by whenever so you know she's doing everything anyway but Melissa's like I'm doing

this totally without my husband and then it's his wrecking crew in there it's his crew working for free to make her she's just ridiculous at the end of the day it's just not an interesting story. And when a lot of times when when these people are stuck with an uninteresting story and they're trying to make it sound like it's really fascinating, it makes you resent them. And I think that's what's going on with Melissa right now. I love that Joe little little Joe Gorga is still all about sex at all times.

He's like, hey, babe, you want me to knock down this wall? You better let me knock down your wall. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like everything's horny. Hey, we're going to jackhammer some dressing rooms. Yeah, I'm going to jackhammer your dressing room. Yeah, baby.

Yeah. Yeah, it's like the same chatter. Although I think he is really hot, so it's kind of sexy when he talks like that but no i love that you think he's hot too who thought he was disgusting matt matt matt because i love me some joe gorga yeah i love especially that he gets drunk and becomes a gay stripper and even wears gay stripper thongs rawr and he likes being naked on camera i like that yes like too much. Like all the things that Jax does that we hate,

Joe Gorga does times 30. I really love it. But it's so hot. I just love the guy. I think he really loves Melissa. I think he's attracted to her. He loves her. I think he does treat her well. He treats his kids well. I think Joe Gorga is a sweet, good guy

who is prone to some some testosterone fueled asshole moments. But overall, like a good egg and he's hot. And so, I mean, what else do you want? Yeah. And I'll bet he also bleaches his cornhole. Good. Which I respect. Okay.

So Jackie, in a way that I'm never going to do it. Like I respect the presidency. Yeah. I ain't never going to run, but good for you. Jacqueline's son is still autistic let's just pretend i love that this show ben i love that this show's like hey jackie jackie's here just like always like uh you know you guys fired her right you know um i actually think it's like really great to see the progress that what's his name is his name nicholas um he is cute and the progress is great

and you know i've never quite had the same you've had more of a cynical outlook about her and the autism thing than than i've had but one thing i am getting sick of is this this interview thing from jacklyn you know nicholas you know he's starting to say i love you again he's really come far and and then all of a sudden, blank smile. I'm sorry. I can't. Like, literally every year we have the same thing. Like, you know, we're really proud of him.

I'm sorry. I can't. Well, my mom does it. And I don't even have autism. She's just talking about a weight problem. She'll be like, well, we love him no matter what. I mean, he's getting a bit of a lot my mother like you'll survive this jesus yeah no just to specify for people who weren't listening to my cynical part it's not that i think nicholas is faking his autism no cynical part well you

never know with me but my cynical part with him is just that jackie uses it to a point where she's saying buy blackwater because the stuff in blackwater helps autism like really bitch like she said shit like that it's so gross like she'll use it to sell products and stuff and also she and her husband like take so much money from other people and they're doing this thing this year where they're like, oh, poor us. It's like Christmas. It's our last year in this house, babe.

But, you know, I took a new job, and that's what happens when you just... No, that's not what happened. You took all this investment money from other people, totally ripped them off to fly yourselves around in private planes and shit like that that was totally illegal, and you're probably the next ones going to jail. So please don't sit us make us

sit here and feel sorry for you because that shit ain't gonna work Chris you got it dude that was a call back to a full house tagline and by the way if I have more rage than usual it's because this is the episode I watched at home with my

mother behind me playing canasta drunk like wasted she was wasted with my dad just yelling at the tv who the fuck are these losers why would you even watch this crap and i was like well would you rather switch back to that show we were watching about the the uh manhunt for the man who was fucking his children because that's what she was watching like let's stop pretending you've got so much class at least these people put on decent clothes so speaking of class uh delores shows up and we remember delores from previous seasons as a friend of and now she's a full-fledged cast member and she and jacqueline they're just like talking like about things that are just not interesting ineline, they're just like talking About things that are just not interesting

In the site, they're just like gabbing And next thing you know They are headed to A speakeasy at like 4pm An empty speakeasy, who knows where And They're sitting there And Siggy will come, Siggy arrives

Siggy! Now, here's the thing, a few months ago We dedicated a large chunk Of a bonus episode to Siggy arrives. Siggy! Siggy. Now, here's the thing. A few months ago, we dedicated a large chunk of a bonus episode to Siggy. Siggy Fielder, is that her name? Siggy Flicker. Siggy Flicker. And we listened to her podcast that she has with Sammy from Jersey Shore. And we made fun of Siggy a lot. I think I'm going to take everything back because she cracked me up and i think she's

gonna be the future of this show well we made fun of her but i think in a way that we liked her because i remember thinking of course this woman is named siggy flicka when she sounds like she smoked probably 10 packs of cigarettes this morning she sounds fucking ridiculous and she is and i love her she walks in with this big scarf she's like how do i get in here how do i get into this place like i can't even figure it out you need to pull the second book on the shelf that it's a secret door it's like secret door what the heck she finally gets into this room and she goes huh i can't move my face i had a facelift yeah she comes in with a schmata wrapped around her head she looks like she's in the witness protection program.

She's like, how to facelift. I was like, God bless this woman. God bless her. I was dying when I was watching her. We had a question in the Crap It's Mailbag. I think it was from Benjamin. About why does Real Housewives of New jersey not represent all like the jews and asians are and other races that are in new jersey well guess what ciggy flick is 100 jewish so there

we got and also dolores is kind of uh dina and blackface she is dolores looks like she could i don't know if she's dark mediterranean i think she's just italian right yeah like the darker italian yeah like she's a a dark Italian version of Dina. They look like twins to me. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, I don't mind the colors. We're both BTWing at the same time, guys.

Jinx, you owe me a Coke. But I have to say we're talking about surgery. I don't know what Siggy's face looked like before, but it looks lovely now, even frozen. Anyone compared to Jackie. Jackie looks like the beaver lady in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. You know that character? I think that the kids ended up getting them killed at the end.

I feel like... Oh, I had a really good comparison for Siggy, and I just lost it. Oh, well. I had a really good idea of which. Oh, you know what? She sort of looks like Dana Delaney now. Like a Jewish Dana Delaney. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards,

played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you

into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History?

Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. think about when they hear the words black history rosa parks reconstruction mlk february black history exactly exactly there are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about especially outside of february and we are about to flip the script on all of that because on this show you're going to hear a little less In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights,

she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

Black is beautiful. Dana Delaney, that's a good call, actually. Dana Delaney Schwartz. What was she saying? She's like, Hey, Jackie, you understand now why I wanted to meet in a dungeon? Like I was born in Israel in a dungeon. What was she saying? She was born in a bomb shelter. Dol was she saying she was born in a bomb shelter

delores said that she was born in a bomb shelter in israel explains a lot like when people say oh well she was sheltered growing up they're like literally literally very sheltered that's why she talks like that to get a voice through the walls um by the way i just want to say that like i am getting so many tweets about cody Step by Step, and they're all different. Some people are like, no, he says dude, and some people say, the code man's here, or whoa. So obviously he's not a very well-written character. We're watching America fall. That's what everybody remembers in America.

So the women are sitting around. They're comparing notes on what it was like when they all got their necks done which is hilarious and normally it would be insufferable but I actually found this dynamic to be highly enjoyable like this trio even with Jacqueline and Jacqueline never brings anything to the table the three of them were funny together they were

gabbing I was like this is what the show has to be and it should be noted they're actually real life friends and have been for years and years and years and they got the pictures to prove it. And that's my favorite thing about the Housewives. When they find people who are actually real

friends and really know each other because all the past starts coming up and it always becomes a big mess. This Siggy Flicker is killing me. She's like, they do it in a different way. Like, what they do is they cut your face off and then they lift it from

here. And then it's like behind your ears. Like, they do it behind your ears. And then they're talking about Dolores' crazy life and Dolores is like, yeah, well, you know, Jacqueline lifts me up. And I remember one day we were sitting on my porch eating donuts.

And she said, it's time for you to leave your new fiance's house that's not going to marry you. And just go back to the husband who left you his house and make that different. So I'm going to make this house my own, even though it's already my own house. This is from a husband who was a different. I was like, what? I was so confused. I was. I could not follow that at all. a house from a husband who was a different i was like what i was so confused talking about i was i could not follow that at all and i just wrote down women squawking about a house that was the

only note because i couldn't i couldn't even figure it out like she was i gotta make it my own because i had a fiance and i got rid of the fiance but i have a husband then the fiance didn't work out so i had another donut and so now i'm going back to the house because it's my own i need my own house i need my own i'm like which house are you in i don't understand which guy i was so confused by dolores but i liked it i supported all of it because it's my own. I need my own house. I need my own space. I'm like, which house are you in? I don't understand. Which guy? I was so confused by Dolores. But I liked it. I supported all of it because he's like,

yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Sigi's like, yeah, yeah. Soup, they deliver her a soup. The soup is good. The soup is good. They deliver her a soup.

It was funny enough to me that she was eating soup with a schmata around her head. That was funny enough. With a straw. And then when she lifts it up with a straw and slips from it and then she goes, it's fabulous. That was funny enough. And then when she lifts it up with a straw and slurps from it,

and then she goes, it's fabulous. Or whatever she said. It's delicious. I was like, yes. I mean, and like, I am so excited for whatever episode it is that they showed in the preview where she stands up and she goes,

you want to come after my friends? Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam! I am so excited for that moment. So who's the lesbian? Is Dolores the lesbian? Because one of them is a lesbian, right? Isn't this the first one with a gay couple? A gay woman couple?

I don't know. I don't think so. Yeah, I think one of them is a woman. I don't know. I mean, one of them is a woman. One of these housewives is an actual woman. Guess. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know about the lesbian. I think that may have been a rumor, maybe a casting rumor, or maybe it's a friend of. There is a woman in the preview that's not Dolores or Siggy, so I don't know. So next we go to play football with Jeno, and Joe's coaching is hilarious. He's like, okay, guys, remember, this is going to be the rest of your life. If you stay this height, you can still make money and get a hot wife, all right? Just don't spray your hair on

because people figure it out and they make fun of you on the internet. How adorable was his son running around getting that touchdown and then the little celebration with the other kid? They're like two feet tall in those oversized, you know, football gear. It was so cute. And I love 2016

where a little kid's football team in Jersey, their uniform is hot pink socks. I mean, that would only happen in this day and age and God bless you, Gay Proid.

Well, actually, that was probably in November. I think it was November. Maybe it's October. During the breast cancer month, breast cancer's October, during the Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the NFL adds hot pink highlights to the uniforms for breast cancer awareness. So I'm assuming it was probably in conjunction with that.

Well, what a way to make breast cancer more fabulous. I mean, it's not just pink anymore. Now it's hot pink, girl. Yeah. Go. Thank you, world. Thank you. From a gay.

Love a gay love a gay so we see some of the problems coming up already this season because melissa is like this is so great to have a family and a mother-in-law and father-in-law because now they you know they pay attention to us and they'll even show up unannounced and i like that because we have the family back yeah yeah because theresa like ruined everything and wouldn't let the parents talk to joe and the wife and and it also shows by the way like because there's always been like joe was the one who caused this or joe whatever but teresa's in jail and now the parents are coming back so teresa is probably more of the problem than than we realized yeah like that's a huge shock but then melissa look how melissa is already fucking with teresa and she's doing this innocent

baby jeez i love baby Jesus way that she always does. This is what's classic Melissa. Classic Melissa. This is classic. She's like, okay, you still want to do Christmas Eve at our house, right? It's going to be at my house. Like, do we get permission from the – And then I think Joe says, like, we have to get permission from the probation officer.

And she's like, oh. Like, oh, really? Her first Christmas back at home, you're going to make it be at your house. Like, there is no bigger fuck you to a Teresa type than that lady. Yeah. No, there's already some posturing. And Melissa has seized upon the opportunity with Teresa gone to get right up next to the parents and be the favorite daughter. Yeah, your kids are calling me mommy.

It's just a nickname. Like, I didn't do it. Liar. And then Joe's like, well, you know, Teresa, I love her because she's my sister, but let's face it, I haven't felt that brother-sisterly love like that

since the last time we fucked in college. It's different now. Yeah, they are setting it up for theresa to come back and and cause drama but i'm also probably was like are you are we still we're still having brotherly sisterly love problems i thought the whole last season and the last like mini season were about was about how like you guys have come together in hard times but no oh we're back to the fighting again okay great when he walked into the jail and he's like i didn't know it was gonna be like that like it was a jail that was like you know like you couldn't get out what do you think it was you fucking idiot so then there was a montage

of people lighting christmas trees it was like yay christmas in jersey everyone's lighting trees um in jacqueline's home uh ashley was back um little cj his voice has dropped which is kind of shocking it's weird watching these kids grow up on tv and um ashley has a hot boyfriend now which is surprising a hot rich boyfriend hot rich whoa raw raw triple raw and i mean ashley seems nice and everything but that's above your pay grade this guy must be a serial killer he must start goats on fire i don't know what this guy does but there is something wrong with his ass yeah well i think ashley has i think ashley has like grown up nicely she she's looking good yeah she's very pretty and very pretty but she's ashley like we've all seen this show yeah well well they keep they keep saying, oh, well, Ashley, you know, the teen years were rough, but she learned a lot in L.A.

We'll see. She can make lots of top ten lists now. She interned at BuzzFeed. Ashley's come home to save money again. And find a hot, rich boyfriend. You go, Ashley. I'm rooting for you, girl. Good job, Ashley.

You turned it around. So then Jacqueline and Chris are in the kitchen talking about downsizing which is what we were discussing before we had to like we had to like sell our watches we we both i sold my watch she sold her watch like you you haven't really read gift of the magi have you because i see you trying but that's not really what it's about what what was his original business before blackwater before he was trying to market Blackwater? I don't remember. I think it was some kind of – no, it wasn't development.

I don't remember. I remember that he was starting some huge business and took hundreds of millions of dollars in investments and pissed it away on private planes and shit and vacations. It was totally illegal. And then they got called on it. I'm not even sure where those are. I should probably look those up just to do a little Watch What Crappens research. Yeah.

I mean, I had to question his business acumen when he decided to open up a marketing company with Chris and Albie Manzo. And that's actually still going and you can find that Blackwater actually in the store.

Like, it's in the store. Well, because Blackwater was independent of them. They were just hired to market Blackwater. So they didn't even create Blackwater actually in the store. It's in the store. Blackwater was independent of them. They were just hired to market Blackwater. They didn't even create Blackwater. I thought they created Blackwater. I was like, I'm so impressed. I've been so impressed this whole time.

No, no, no. They were just hired by Blackwater to help market it. I don't know if they're still doing it. I was like, you're going to launch a marketing team with these two bozos no they can't even sell like a fried macaroni ball at their own restaurant their review is like negative peppers or whatever negative peppers whatever it is negative peppers is just what's called so we can let's see more sex workers put. Oh, yeah. So Joe trying to blackmail Melissa.

He's like, you want your store finished? I want more sex. Like, yeah. Okay. She's like, I want to be a modern woman, Joe. That's great. And then I want you to sit on my dick. Your bathrooms ain't getting done.

Joe. And then Melissa has some really deep thoughts about Christmas time and why everything always is great around Christmas time. She she's like well it's jesus's birthday and everything is wonderful because of that really thinking deep here i just think that everything gets fixed because of jesus's birthday you know what happened to jesus right so trees house uh the dog so whatever we think of Teresa and Joe, I mean, they are hysterical and their kids are hilarious and so cute. So they're getting ready for their mom to come home. And they're just basically yelling because the dog is running around and trampling their welcome mom or whatever. Welcome ham, mom. Well, they're making a – like the girls are making a banner, but then some of the other girls are playing with a dog, like the 12th dog that's in this house.

And they're like, the dog's out of control. And Joe's like, no, you girls are out of control. And he just, what I love is that it's been a year now, and he is at his wit's end. And now he is just fully screaming at Melania. Because they never screamed at Melania. Now he's actually screaming at her. He's just like, don't put that giant Santa Claus, don't take it down the staircase, Melania at Melania. Now he's actually screaming at her. He's just like, don't put that giant Santa Claus. Don't take it down the staircase, Melania.

Melania. No, Melania. And that's the one that shaves his back. You can imagine how bad the other ones are getting it. And then he tells us, he's like, yeah, you know, you know, like, so what? Who cares? Like, I went through hell this year. Like, I ain't going to lie.

Like, it's been hell. I mean, after this year, I think I can make it in prison like at least i'll get blow jobs there right i can have sex in prison right like people are gonna blow me there yeah your people are gonna blow me what's your mom say huh no big deal so uh then all of a sudden we see on screen the day before theresa's release and i'm like expecting like the law and order dun dun thing to come up dun dun also I noticed because this was right at a commercial break and you know how the commercial breaks are all doing their housewife poses

they're like moving into their pose Teresa is so god damn awkward like her her commercial pose it's like I'm a thanamite are you getting me from here like where are you getting me from are you getting me from here is my shoulder forward let's do it again like she's so awkward I love it I'm a Santa, right? Are you getting me from here? Like, where are you getting me from? Are you getting me from here? Are you good?

Is my shoulder forward? Let's do it again. Let's do it again. Like, she's so awkward. I love it. I know. She, she, you would think she'd be better at it because she's had a lot of time on her hands. She's like an awkward Cylon.

Okay, so Jackie is talking about a text that she gets from Teresa. Teresa's like, Dear Jacqueline, I heard you was asking about me while I was in the spa camp. And Jackie's doing an impression of her. Look at that. Of course, Teresa's talking. She starts it off by talking

about herself. No. Hey, Jacqueline, how have you been i'm like she's in prison yeah like shut up you bitch do you think she wants to hear about what the outside world is this was actually i started i didn't know whether to laugh or roll my eyes because like okay here's jacklyn actively creating drama over nothing like it's theresa just wrote a letter being like i want to start fresh she said i heard you've been asking about me which may have been her way of saying like hey stop talking about me whatever it was but for jacklyn to be like i can't believe she didn't ask how i was like

bitch she's in jail i know i'm like she has the nerve why would she be texting me uh because you're about to be on the same tv show again and she doesn't't want you coming for her, like you did last time, stupid. And Jackie, this is the first. I have a feeling this is going to be a trend with Jackie this year, because she starts going, she's like, Chris, it's like she threw scalding hot coffee in my face,

and then the next day she asked me out for coffee. And I'm like, that makes zero sense, what you just said. It's a bad analogy, and it doesn't apply to the situation. And I'm like, that makes zero sense, what you just said. It's a bad analogy, and it doesn't apply to the situation. And I have a feeling it's going to be a bad analogy season for Jackie. Yeah, no, I think Jackie is going to be on the losing end of arguments this season because she already has a weak position, and as we'll see later in the show, she is ready to start shit and turn people against Teresa.

She is ready to go and attack. Maybe she just wants to secure her place on the show, but it's not a strong argument anymore. Oh, God, Jackie. So behind me, my mom is going off, okay? Because there's this commercial that comes on, and this kid's like, I'm sure that my mom didn't know that I had HPV. I'm sure that she didn't know that HPV was going to cause cancer. My mom didn't know she I had HPV. I'm sure that she didn't know that HPV was going to cause cancer. My mom didn't know

she was giving me cancer. Right, mom? And I was like, geez, a bit dramatic. And my mom goes, well, fuck HPV. And fuck parents who don't give their kids the HPV vaccine. Like, how many fucking times do people got to tell you? You got to give your kids a vaccine. Like, how many fucking times do people gotta tell you? You gotta give

your kids a vaccine. Did you hear about the measles outbreak in Saudi Arabia? Cause no one got their kids. I was like, oh my God. And it was a commercial break full of that. Okay, back to the show. Well, to lighten the mood, we then got an extended close-up

and then a mid-shot and a wide-shot of naked Joe Gorga, and I was very happy. He's so thirsty, but he's also like a little glass of water. Yeah. He's like a thimble. He's like a tall thimble of water. A tempest in a teacup.

Except there's water in there instead. He gets naked for the cameras, then takes a shower, then gets naked again again then starts flopping his dick around in the shower i was like the blur is like moving around i'm like whoa i know i need to try and de-blur that in photoshop i just want to know i love him i know i want to know too you should just pose nude at this point like he'd like to show it off obviously yeah he needs to definitely get like some online uh you know like a little cam or

something yeah i think so so um the big news oh go ahead sorry no no no oh i was just gonna i'm just gonna start moving forward that uh the big news was that theresa has gotten permission to come over for christmas eve but they don't know if she can make it to Midnight Mass, which then causes Melissa to be sad again. Melissa is such an asshole. She is such an asshole. Okay, she can come over. She's like, can we go to Midnight Mass? No.

It's like, you do need to have her there for Midnight Mass. You don't need her there. You really don't. Midnight ass. You got that, so theresa theresa also sent a note to melissa i love all these like like legal pad notes that are being like photographed by the lawyer and then texted along and this one was like hey i'm coming over for christmas eve and i'll bring sprinkle cookies I'm surprised Jacqueline didn't burst the door

she didn't offer to bring me sprinkle cookies I can't believe it it's like she made sprinkles and threw them in my face and I love that Melissa is still holding on to sugar cookies I mean or sprinkle cookies when Teresa can make jokes about it before you can

you know that you've got a chip on your shoulder. Or a sprinkle. So Jackie is sitting on her bathroom counter. Oh, the struggle of Jackie. It's her last time on this Travertine. She's having a party with Dolores, whatever, all the

people, and Frankie will enter. Frankie, everybody. Dolores' hot son, the people. And Frankie will enter Frankie, everybody. Dolores' hot son, is that who it was? Rawr. I mean, in this I didn't see, I mean, he's cute and everything, but Andy tweeted a picture of him. I mean,

he's ripped. But he loses a point for having crazy, crazy cuffs on his shirt that were like reminiscent of craig from southern charm and also those like ironed bangs you know like how people like put their bangs in a triangle and then iron them over their face like susan powder no he sort of looks like he sort of looks like a uh a pretty kid who gets sucked into some nefarious soprano situation you know like he winds up as like a low

level mafia dude and he just gets shot i mean i don't want him to be i don't want him to get shot i'm not saying that i'm just saying i can sort of see it playing out in a goodfellas sort of way yeah but you don't really feel that you'd like more in the bangs more even though you didn't like the bangs in the first place yeah love you frankie okay so they're all coming over and the conversations are cracking me up because the whole gang who is it dolores and i love again i love that they all know each other and dolores was like yeah look at joe like i know joe i i know him flipping hot dogs at the rascal house yeah they're from patterson she's from patterson too the rascal house flipping hot dogs by the way who flips hot dogs

and then Joe Gorga immediately is like oh hey Frankie like yeah yeah show me your guns what you got guns like how often do you get worked at

you want to work out together want to be workout buddies if Andy ain't gay it ain't gay bro yeah I was about to say if anyone ever wants to know how a gay porn starts it begins with

this is a perfect example of like a hot younger guy and a hot sort of older guy. Be like, hey, so you've been working out? Yeah, I just want to look like you. Well, I don't work out as much anymore. Like literally it was like dialogue taken from a gay porn. And I was really aroused.

You could show me, right? I was really aroused. You could show me, right? Yeah, I mean, I kind of whizzed your eye, I'm going to lie. Both hot. And also you're saying all this with his mouth full. I mean, this guy is like Bonertown. Yeah, it was really intense in a good way.

I also have to say, by the way, I really enjoyed this scene because, you know, Kathy was there. Rosie was there. Kathy's kids were lurking around in the background. And, you know, as much as I have, like, grown to really dislike this franchise, I, you know know we have seen a bunch of these kids grow up and the six-handed family and there actually was like a good amount of warmth in this get together like i felt really like a family and friends get together people who've known each other for a long time and i really like that i have to say i do too i mean it's a huge improvement over last year with those yeah it's already so much better yeah just just having them

know each other and like i don't care kathy doesn't need to be a full-time cast member but i love seeing kathy there in a silk pantsuit it's like the most awkward thing and then rosie rosie all stone she's like hey how you doing everybody i just love seeing her um and then uh theresa and jackie immediately i mean melissa who did i say you said theresa oh yeah melissa and jackie immediately start teaming up well it was really jacklyn it was really jacklyn i mean i mean melissa was complicit but jacklyn is like so i got this note and she was like how have you been talking like asking about me and like, and like, I can't believe she would send me this note. I'm like, there's no story here, Jacqueline.

There's no issue here. Most like, oh, and then Melissa's telling, talking about Christmas Eve. And she's like, yeah, well, you know, Teresa's going to come over for Christmas Eve. And Jacqueline goes, oh, she's coming to your house because last year she didn't come. Oh, wow. You're such a potster jacqueline lorita she is but she also gets to talk to melissa when the cameras aren't there and knows what that bitch really thinks because if anyone is buying for one second melissa's bullshit all we care about is our

family and i just want to help with the children because i care about her and not because it's going to make her absolutely insane that i become close with the parents and the children yeah no melissa is a big bullshit artist, which is what makes her insufferable, but also one of my favorites. Yeah, well, at least fun to watch, that's for sure. So Teresa's about to come home any second.

Eight hours before Teresa's release! The lawyer arrives. I cannot believe he doesn't get his own diary room session. I actually kind of miss those. When he's like, here's how I feel about Teresa's case. You should at least give him a golden whatever. I don't even know what they hold up on this show.

I don't remember. I always forget. I always think it's like a meatball, but it's like a golden who knows what. A meatball. I don't even know what it is. It's like an easy pass. It's like a cocktail. We go through this every six months. What do they hold up on New Jersey again? We always forget. I like a cocktail. We go through this every six months. What do they hold up on your jersey again?

We always forget. I like meatball. I'm just going to stick with meatball. Yeah, meatball. So a lawyer is telling Joe, here's what I'm worried about. Here's my job. From this point on, it's an ankle bracelet, okay? My job is to make sure Melissa doesn't go anywhere.

And Joe's like, what did I say, Melissa? What is wrong with me? Oh, my God. Thank God you're here. Bunch of mooks. And Joe's like, yeah, I don't care. Like, as long as I don't got to drive up there anymore. Like, it wasn't easy.

Like, so what? Who cares? But it's like being married, literally like being married to five women. I mean, they think they can boss me around. And then just, like, immediately on cue, she is like, okay okay when mom comes home um two of the kids aren't going to school and two are and he's like whoa whoa whoa y'all going to school she goes um no no they're not it's like yeah i said so she goes i don't care yeah by the way the subtext there was basically like you guys are going to school because we are having sex for four hours on end okay so bye

and she's like mom's divorcing you in a week so no I like Joe's his moment with the espresso machine he's like hey you think this espresso crap works doesn't do anything for me what are you going to do about it

espresso at least he said espresso hey, you think this espresso crap works? It doesn't do anything for me. What are you going to do about it? Espresso. At least he said espresso, not expresso, like the one on Lodec Med. And that is so a Joe word, too. A Joe Giudice word. You know he says espresso. I don't know who taught him it was espresso.

So then we go back to the party. The party's still going on. And Siggy enters. And she just cracks up. She's like, happy holidays, everybody. She's like, I can't move my face. Can't move my face. I got Liza'd.

I just kept thinking, all my friends have such beautiful necks. And I wanted one, too. So they cut me like a vampire. They cut you behind the ear, then they lift from your neck. I'm like, what vampire film are you watching? When did this happen? It's like awkward facelifts by vampires. No, girl. Well, I like how she also thinks she's

shedding light on the mysteries of a facelift. It's like, yes, we all know that's how facelifts work. They cut up there and they tuck. But she's basically like the divine love child of Lyser and Jill Zarin. And you know what? Thank God. Oh, thank God. And Chris and Joe.

Chris is like, yeah, you know, we're having some trouble this year. So we just, for Christmas, we're just getting each other some love. And Joe, not getting it at all, is like, oh, yeah? I wish I could be like that melissa wants a new car you made him from boston all of a sudden i know he wants a new car go socks the show is confusing i don't remember any of the impersonations and also new york is on at the same time it's too much um and then youores. You know, the thing I like about Dolores is that she has that way of talking in that kind of like that Bronx beat sort of way from SNL. She's like, you know, Teresa, here's a girl who never got in trouble her entire life.

She never did anything wrong. And the first time she gets in trouble, she goes away for a year in jail. How hard is that for your parents? You know what? I love her. I love her. Look at poor poor rosie i mean i don't know who's making her sit with the women but that never happens she's sitting at the table of

women and she just looks like she wants to die and then meanwhile the men are having fun and she just looks so sad that's why i think there's a lesbian here because i think kathy was like you have to sit with the lesbian like rosie give yourself a chance the lesbians i actually really love the kathy rosie and their mom dynamic i love you know kathy's got a kathy's got a husband and a family rosie's sort of like an old maid but she's but but she's like with her mom and she's helping out her mom but kathy is like loyal to rosie and kathy brings rosie out and wants to find her girlfriend. Like, there's something actually, I just kind of love it.

Yeah, Rosie. Yeah, you know what, Teresa? Things happen. And people make mistakes. It's not about the mistakes just made. It's, you know. And Ziggy's like, yeah, character is how you bounce checks. People are crazy. Someone once said,

power is defined by when you lose it, how you get it back, if you get it back. I'm like, so every time there's a blackout, you're like, I'm so powerful now. I did it. I did it. Just like a vampire. I turned on the lights.

What? So Jackie's like, hi, everybody. Thanks for coming over. Really super glad for you all here. Teresa's a bitch. Awesome that I finally get to see you now that Teresa's involved. Like, I care. Okay.

And then she starts crying about Tree coming home. It's so stupid. And Joe's like, here's to my jailbird sister, whatever. Mom and dad, finally we're talking again i love the cut back to you're my father yeah yeah they did some great flashbacks on this on this episode you know like at this point new jersey and new york city are and atlanta are old enough that the editors can just cherry pick these wonderful moments from the past and it's like, you know what, anytime I've said anything negative about any of

these franchises, how could I really be upset because they've given us all this amazing content over the years. And, you know, when they can bounce back, that's all about how you bounce back, Jersey. So now, 5am,

the paparazzi are outside so we um the the lawyer goes up to the jail and he he goes and teresa gets in the back of the car it's all like misty and strange and i'm like this was like the opening scene of jurassic park you know when they had that big carton and they're like loading it up and the dinosaur starts to like to bash eat someone it sucks someone into the crate and that's what it felt like to me so dark and murky there's a threat we don't know what it is but it's teresa instead of blowing all the dinosaurs up they give it a spin-off velociraptor checks in alani is like saving the T-Rex's back.

Dr. Risa is squealing from her Facebook live streaming in the car. She's like, oh my god! I can't believe it's my baby! Look at me on Facebook! The pups are coming to get me. I'm like hiding. She's like hanging out the window like, hello, life is still.

Well, probably Bravo paid a lot of money to be there like the moment that she walked back in and that she, you know, she couldn't, like Bravo probably had the rights to get like the first picture of her, right? Or something like that. And she knew that if the paps got her

that she'd be in violation it looked like they were gonna run run her off the road or something like they were really being aggressive and she's like i feel like princess died like princess die no the one that died princess die not the dead one princess die no uh there was there were a huge amount of paparazzi outside their house by the way that was not like a caroline fleming paparazzi outside their house, by the way. That was not like a Caroline Fleming paparazzi situation. That was news vans with satellites. Yeah, that was like reality tea out there.

They had that guy Tom. Tom Maramano, whatever, Mano, whatever his stupid name is. Kim G. Kim G's out there. Kim G News Network. KGNN. So this big thing, this was hilarious because G is like, oh my God, the paparazzi are there. And Milani's like, the paparazzi?

She's all excited. Like her old friends show up and she peeks outside and like, mom's going to be so mad if you gave them a free picture or whatever. So she walked in and my mom goes, how the fuck did she get a facelift and a dye job and a blowout in prison? Can somebody tell me that? Yeah, I was going to say she looked great. I think Teresa actually looked younger. She did get a blowout in prison. I mean, that shit is great.

I know. It was, I mean, her hair looked good her skin looked good she didn't have on too much makeup this is the best theresa has looked in four years i was like damn she looks great but it's gonna all go down to shit soon because now that she's accessed all of her makeup instead of just like prison makeup she's gonna look like she's gonna have too much on she's gonna look old her hair's gonna be too big well in her um testimonials you know she totally looks different like she's going to have too much on. She's going to look old. Her hair is going to be too big. Well, in her testimonials, you know, she totally looks different. Like she got her regular hair back and she did get a lift. Like you can see the lift in her face and she looks a little crazier. But this where she's actually kind of starting to age a little, she looks very pretty.

She should let it let it expand a little. Darling, you know what? She probably got a facelift right before jail because she knew she wouldn't be in the public eye. Oh, that's a good point. Like, she got recovery. She had recovery time. I don't know. That's way too much forethought for Teresa, though.

I think I have never seen someone look better coming out of jail. You know, normally it takes some years off of you. She looked, I mean, she adds years onto you. She looked like she had lost years. I was shocked. You know, I can't stand Teresa, but I'm giving her props. Well, she adds years onto you. She looked like she had lost years. I was shocked. You know, I can't stand Teresa, but I'm giving her props. Well, she did go to the gym. I mean, from seeing what she did in jail, I mean, watching that thing was just nuts.

My mom would have shit the floor if she watched that, where she was talking to Annie. She's like, well, I went to the gym, and then I would have coffee and read the news. And then I would, like, go to the gym, and then I would think about my daughters. And then I would go to Pilates, and then I would drink a veggie juice and then go to, you know, go to boxing class. What? It's like it wasn't a country club, Andy. It was a 24 hour fitness. And she's like, babe, my babies, my babies.

OK, you all don't have to go to school. OK, you can go lesbian. You want to go? OK, you can go. The rest of you, you don't have to go to school. Okay, you can go, lesbian. You want to go? Okay, you can go. The rest of you, you don't have to go. That beautiful child, the little dyke sheep of the family. She's my favorite. She started talking this year.

She's a beautiful girl. And she's like, I am not hanging out with you losers. I'm going to softball practice. Get me on the bus. Bye, mom. Good to see you. Pretty much. Pretty much.

So that was the first episode i actually thought it was it was more encouraging than i thought it would be yeah me too i'm glad to have it back mm-hmm mm-hmm yeah yeah glad it's back welcome back and welcome siggy welcome siggy how to facelift yeah so um shall we move on to some Orange County? Let's do it, little OC. Hey, Rondal. What, Ben? You know, I know we want to talk about Orange County, but I have to get something off my chest first.

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easier than one of david's mistresses here lies shanabador killed by easy web programming and an avalanche of easy coding david i'm creating a blog dedicated to our chandelier. David. David. This is so good. Okay. So we are moving on to Orange County. It opens up with Vicky going to Oklahoma City, going to Oklahoma to fetch Brianna, bring her back home. Woo-hoo. Yeah.

Vicky, I like that she's doubling down on her war against Oklahoma. She's like, I am glad I don't have to go to Oklahoma City again. I never want to go back there. It is awful. Thank you. Thank you. You want to send me a hate tweet? Go for it if you can spell it, Oklahoma.

Oh, you know, there's a reason why your initials are okay, because the place is just okay, at best. She's telling her grand or her grandkids okay say bye to your room bye room say go go say bye room we'll see you on the other side we'll see you on the other side room like you know you're not murdering oklahoma right i know jesus christ lady are you planning on getting in a fatal car crash on your way back home now say now say goodbye to all the Ashley furniture. Bye, Ashley furniture. We'll see you again in heaven, Ashley furniture.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Bye, knobby bedpost. Bye. Why would Brianna have a framed picture of her and Ryan in the kids' room? I mean, I know those kids are young, but eventually they're going to need to learn how to masturbate. Who wants a picture of their and Ryan in the kids room I mean I know those kids are young but eventually they're gonna

need to learn how to masturbate who wants a picture of their parents in their room get that shit out of there Brianna well obviously Vicky put it up there because I think Vicky had a copy of it in her kitchen oh god in the place of the Caliente sign Brianna's like yeah well I'm moving back to

OC because I'm returning to the doctors who take care of me because I've got an infection in my leg and my lymph nodes and an infection in my incision from the lymph nodes. Well, you're a barrel of monkeys. Well, at least she's more interesting than Megan King Edmonds, who created a 12- minute video diary of herself picking herself up with a needle.

For Jimmy. I want Jimmy to be able to see it. Jimmy's out of town, maybe looking for justice, so I don't want him to forget about me, so I'm going to just show him this video of me standing here stationary for 12 minutes about to stick myself with a needle.

I think he'll love it. I don't know if I can do this. She's like pinching a half an inch of skin because she has no fat. She's like, oh God, this is really hard. It's going to happen. 24 hours before Teresa comes home. I know. Oh, this is difficult.

Four hours before Teresa comes home. Oh, I can't do this. And then she's like, I did it. I did it. I feel so proud of myself. Congratulations. I feel so proud of myself. I wrote, get a job. You'll fucking sob your eyes out. You'll feel so proud, idiot. I know, you

stupid face. Why don't you edit that shit? How about that? You stupid face. I love Megan's commitment to complaining about her famous husband who's currently working on a team. It's not like he's just flying all over

the place. He's working, and she's like, yeah, here I am, getting IVF shots, and he's not here again! Again! I don't even have any homework to do for my stepdaughter. I just have to sit here with a needle. Well, the good news is

we'll know she'll never get onto heroin. Well, not now. Now that she knows it's Easy Street. We may have just started an issue. A long, hard drug issue. So, now, I don't know how this didn't show. I thought for sure we're going to Tamara's next because it was a close-up of a lizard outside.

Trying to decide which bug to swallow whole. But nope, it's Shannon's house. She's like, hey, girls. All right, well, we're talking about our new house we're going to buy because we're entering escrow again. Here we go again. Am I right, girls? Overseas money. Hey, what's with your face?

Why do you have a face full of makeup, you little tart? Little tart. Did someone call a baker? Because all I see is a tart. Huh. Overseas money. Heard that one before. It's like, what?

Who are you talking to? She's telling, she's like, okay, kids, what kind of house do you want to build? One of them's like, I want a modern white house. I want a beach house. And one just goes, I just don't want it to be ugly. And she goes, oh, you don't want it to be ugly, huh? Because that was my goal. Well, I don't want things to be ugly either.

But, you know, your father certainly made things ugly when he kissed a woman on the beach. David. David. Uh-oh. 30 negative thoughts. 30 negative thoughts. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Escrow thoughts. 30 negative thoughts. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Escrow. Put my thoughts in escrow. I put my thoughts in escrow. Getting a new house is a fresh start. You get sick of the old house and then you move into a new prettier house that's younger. Oh, wait a second. All right. We're not moving.

Everybody get back in your rooms. We are going to learn to treasure the house we grew up in. Because it is a wonderful house. Old and sloppy. But guess what? We is a wonderful house. Old and sloppy, but guess what? We committed to this house. Do you understand, girls? David, David, why are you bringing sugary food into the house? David? David, you know this food doesn't like Astro Pubs?

You know this house doesn't like Astro Pubs? David? David? David, this house has been loyal to you. She was funny. She went to see this real estate guy who's way too hot to be trustworthy. Don't trust him. No. Yeah, he was way too hot.

And then this led to another series of questions where Shannon was basically interrogating herself. Did we buy this house at the height of the market? Absolutely. Am I going to cry when I walk out the doors of this house? Yes. Yes. David. David. am I going to cry when I walk out the doors of this house yes David this is just a quickie but at the scenes from next week they're walking through

Kelly's house for the first time I guess Kelly's house for the first time oh look at all the chandeliers yes the jealousy coursing through her through her veins I think that she just got so used to David not being there that she's her new reality is just asking herself questions because she doesn't have a husband to do it.

What has more calories? The steak? The salad? I don't know. I'm going to order it. Am I going to order it? I'm going to order it. Do we need more than two bottles for a dinner party?

Yes. Yes. Well, last time we wanted a 75 square foot home, but then the architect said, Shannon, do you want a basketball court? Do you want a craft room? Do you want to, before you know what is 1,300 feet, don't ask me questions. So she wants a healthy green home. She's like, well, this time I just want a home we can just look at the bones of the house. And, you know, I want

it not to have a view of the beach possibly. And did I say bone? I shouldn't have said that. David? David, why are you calling me? David! Is it possible that our new house can come with its own cemetery? Because I'd like to show the children where Shannon Bedora lies, killed by her

husband's infidelity. David? David? David? So in the car with Vicky and Brianna, someone said on their Facebook, I thought it was so funny. They're like, why the hell is Brianna, Brianna who's like missing limbs, dropping, you know. In like borderline sepsis. Yeah. Why is she driving Vicky? Vicky's just like sitting in the passenger seat complaining.

She's like, oh, my God, there's nothing out here. I mean, what the heck? Where's the Nordstroms? How do people shop? Where do they buy their Caliente signs? Oh, wow. Look at all the cows. Pew, pew, pew.

Oh, pew. Troy, pew, pew, pew, pew. It's like miles and miles of cows. Brianna is like, mom, it's not like this is the populated area of town. We're in the middle of a freeway. Still. Hey, Troy, where's the playground, Troy? Mom, don't get us hopes up high for a playground.

16 hours, Orange County. Everything is basically counting down this week on Bravo. They're like, Add some suspense. 16 hours until the next dress stop. And then Vicky's so mean. She's like, hey, Troy. Because the little kid learns how to say Nana. And they're like, good job, Troy.

And then he's like, Nana, Nana, Nana. She's like, oh, Jesus Christ. No, he's not going to shut up. Okay. Hey, you guys want to find a playground? Just look around till we find a playground and brianna's like mom that's mean there's not a playground she's like well keep him busy until he has to shit his pants which is what which is what he had to do he's like i'm just gonna poop in my pants oh no oh gosh oh gosh where'd we be oh god made him poop on the side

of the road it's like another d Yeah. Can we have a gift basket? Give him a gift basket. That's going to be a storyline in like 20 years. He's going to be so pissed. I'm surprised Leanne did not pull up in a trolley next to their car like, all right, you're just a mimicker. You're a mimicker. Get out of my state with your pooping on the side of the road.

Pimp your own pants, little mimicker. Your charity world is over, Troy. Here's a basket, Troy. Now aren't you pooping in tickets to Oklahoma? I have to poop. That kid. So funny. So I just wrote these.

It's never, first I have to preface this by saying, never okay to make fun of a baby. Okay. I love all babies. They're all beautiful. Yeah. But these poor things got Ryan's face. I mean, that baby in the back is all cross-eyed,

screaming about poop. I'm like, that is your father. Congratulations. Yeah, this is... You know, we'll see how they turn out. In 18 years from now, we will have some very distinct thoughts, I'm sure. But for right now, you know, they've got faces that only a mother could love.

And a grandmother. Actually, I think they're pretty cute kids. But yeah, they are definitely going to grow up with Ryan face for sure. You can never tell when a baby is a baby what they're going to look like. One of my nieces, I thought, oh my my god this poor thing like she just looks vacant like she her face would never move she just big the she looked like she hated the world she's a freaking supermodel now this kid yeah well look even mark furman was hot when he was younger and he's a freaking racist so you never know what what the future has in store for your genes. Well, he was certainly a hot racist in that OJ movie. Rawr!

Oh, yeah, yeah. Racist porn! Speaking of exciting developments, Kelly is going to dinner in Ladera Ranch. Wow! The glamour never ends on Orange County. It may be an olive garden, but it's a Ladera Ranch.

It has ranch at the end. So, Tamara. Is Bueller dying? Bueller, don't die. I think I said ranch. He thought he was choking. You're not eating ranch, Bueller. So, Tamara, where are we?

Ladera ranch. Now we briefly go back to Brianna in the car being crabby and complaining about her legs and being like, I don't want to stop the car. What's the point? We'll just reach a hotel and then watch TV and then go to sleep, get a good night's sleep. Who wants a good night's sleep? No one likes sleep. Let's just drive. Let's just not stop.

Yeah, let's not stop. What kind of doctors do you have, Brianna, that you're still sick? I mean, ever since November, we couldn't get you fixed. No one in that doctor's office is winning an award, I'll tell you that much. There's not going to be cake for someone on a copy machine in that doctor's office. Brianna's like, I can't take it.

Poor Brianna. I felt terrible for her. She should not have been driving that car. So then we go to Ladera Ranch, where Tamara, well, Kelly is there. It's a group dinner. And then Tamara shows up and Kelly is under the weather. And she's like, I've literally had two cognacs to fight off this disease.

I don't know what a cognac is, but it sounds intriguing. And then, of course, Tamara in her newly found Christian ways like I've never seen someone who talks about alcohol so much like that's how she salts everything I'm like okay you're saying it with a smile but you're still calling someone an alcoholic yeah although I think they've got a point I know well Shannon is even

more judgy with her judgy eyes about it when she comes in and she's and she sees that the tequila shot in front of Kelly she's like well when I'm safe the last thing I do is knock back a shot of tequila who does that David she sees the tequila shot in front of Kelly. She's like, well, when I'm sick, the last thing I do is knock back a shot of tequila. Who does that? David? David never drinks tequila. When I'm sick, I have someone go out into the middle of the ocean, take a little

whale's baby, cut it open down its stomach, and then I shove that spinal fluid up my shot. Okay? That's how you do it. David? David, why didn't you offer me tequila when I was sick? You offered Megan Cahan's tequila. What about me? Since when how you do it. David, David, why didn't you offer me tequila when I was sick? You offered Megan Cairns tequila. What about me? Since when do you drink tequila anyway, David? David? David?

One time David gave me a shot of tequila and I had a phantom worm in my stomach. He had to shove his entire fist up there to take it out. Oh. So Heather Dubrow, one of the most insufferable fucking people on the face of the earth.

You all know that me and Terry are writing a book. It's called Doctor and Mrs. Guinea Pig Book. We do all sorts of things. We try all different things. Leech therapy. And Shannon goes, vaginal steaming? This is, yeah, when she mentioned that i was like oh no we're going back to heather who used to like pat herself on the back being like i'm a doer i'm a try i'll try i'm a joiner i'm i'll always join like oh please i'm that corner piece of a lego no one understands where it goes

until it joins everything together you know i don't like to me i don't look at terry and heather and say wow they are guinea pigs they are they are they're pushing the frontiers they're trying things i never want to try i'm like you're building a mall house nothing says adventurous about that unless you install maybe a bungee cord from the ceiling, you know. Which I anticipate they probably will. I wouldn't be surprised. To her flattened vagina or whatever. She's gonna be like, alright,

alright, readers, here's something else we tried. We tried rosé. It was the craziest day of my life. It was like wine, but it was pink. I don't know, was it white wine? Was it red wine? Turns out it tasted like its own different thing. It was pretty good. The end. Chapter 5. We had iced

tea infused with cucumber. It was crazy. Crazy. We tried a refrigerator that made cylindrical ice instead of hexagonal ice. It was crazy. I'll never trust that ice pyramid again. We unlocked Colette's kitchen cabinets

At midnight one time Just to see what she would do She stayed inside It was nuts We tried onion rings in an air fryer Craziness Terry loved it I hated it

So Kelly interrupts it Because stupid Heather's like We want to have an almost having a party for our party at the house of the party. Maybe partying after our last almost Harry could have had a disease party. Like Heather, all she wants to do is show off her money. And Kelly's like, oh, wait, actually, like, I'm sorry to interrupt you. But like I had a what she say. Oh, my house might not be ready for my next party either

yeah I like the unpreparedness upmanship no I also am unprepared for my party but I'm gonna have before your party so funny I would like I would like I too

am not prepared for my party that I've decided I'm just gonna throw right now for my party that I've decided I'm just going to throw right now. For my book that I've decided I'm going to write. Hey, batch, I'm not throwing a party either. I think that... I'm glad this cast has at least stopped pretending to give a shit

about charity, because every party used to be like, oh my god, it's for snails with cancer or whatever. And this one, they're just like, I'm having a new house party. Okay, I'm going to have a house one day that might be finished. So I'm going to have a party too. No one likes to throw a construction site party like these bitches. I mean, they've never been happier than when there's like dust on the floor and loose nails.

Okay, like we had the cut fitness warehouse party. We had the groundbreaking party. We had a construction site party last year at Heather's place. I mean, seriously, send them to... When the big dig was going on in Boston, they must have just had lady boners for days. Heather is the queen of having parties for things that aren't even happening. She's like, we bought a lot for a house that's not there.

Party! The house might be done one day. lot for a house that's not there. Party! The house might be done one day. Party! Terry doesn't have a disease. Party! It's like, jeez, do you even have... Do you ever have just, like, a birthday party? Like, for things that are real? Well, she better have a pizza party now. That's what I'm saying.

Oh my god, that pizza oven. Fuck her. Everyone on Facebook's like, hey, here's what I have to say about heather's pizza party fuck you yeah or her pizza oven yeah i like that it was like what toppings i wanted a topping and fuck you so kelly starts talking about vicky and she's defending vicky a little bit and shannon has such an angry face on she has the david david david is actually lucky because now that shannon has focused her attention on vicky and hating Vicky, David's got – the pressure is off. He can do whatever he wants again. Oh, God.

She is just – she's never, ever going to let this go. No. And Kelly's like, well, I had lunch with Vicky. And it's like – it's like this clown music. And Shannon's just giving this dirty look and heather's like so do you like vicky do you love vicky look she starts asking these stupid she's trying to be subtle and kelly's like well i like her and shannon well so did i when i met her huh and then before you know it she's ruining my life so overdramatic i know oh shannon i love you but you really have to

rein it in you're being ridiculous tamra's fake peace you know i say i hate i think tamra is one of the most evil human beings i really hate tamra but i'm kind of buying it lately with tamra yeah because she seems peaceful it's weird i mean i mean there you go i mean people have been telling us for a long time ben it won't last it won't last this is like the season when she and gretchen were friends it's it's just not gonna last that's true i did i fell for it then too actually uh but i'm kind of falling for it because she's saying things that don't sound too fakey like really fake christians would be like well you know god bless her. Jesus is looking out for her and he'll forgive her. And, you know, something like that.

But she's not. She's just like, well, we like Vicky, too. We just don't like her right now, bitch. Yeah. This is weird. Who are you? Yeah. Yeah.

No, it's she she her evil will pop out again. Don't you worry. I'm like a belly button, which he had removed surgically. What the frick, lady? So anyway kelly is trying to be nice she's like well you know people go through things and she was telling me that she was still in love with him and that it was really hard and blah blah blah she's like i've loved the wrong person before and so i kind of see myself in vicky except that i decided to go back to mine because he has a big house where I can have this beach party I'm gonna have and not have to pay anything, even if I'm probably

fucking my brother. So, you know, I get it. And they're like, uh... Pass the tortillas, please. And Tamara's most offensive part, Shanna's like, well, she admitted she lied, and then she retracted.

Tamara goes, and then she compared herself to Jesus. Consider the source, bitch. Consider the source. So, let's see. And Shanna goes, Shanna's so modern. She goes, hashtag victim. I don't even know what that means, David. David, what's a hashtag?

Back in Vicky's car. Brianna's still hurting, and they arrive in Orange County finally. Brianna can barely walk. She can barely get out of this car. And they're like, well, home sweet home. And everything seems fine. But then the next day, we found out that Brianna had a temperature because her infection is raging and out seems fine. But then the next day we found out that Brianna had a temperature because her infection is raging

and out of control. Of course, because she pushed herself too hard with that drive. They should have done it over three days. Jesus. And she had to go to the hospital. So she's in the hospital now. So Vicky has to gather the kids and be the mom.

Oh god, she cannot do it. It is so funny. I'm proud of her for not making Dawn come over. gather the kids and be the mom. Oh, God. She cannot do it. No, she can't. It is so funny. I'm proud of her for not making Don come over. I know. That part of me was thinking, like, Don should come over and help out with this situation. Well, that's terrifying. And the kids are... One of them's beating on a chair

with some wrapping paper tubes or whatever. I said, No! No! I said, No! What are you doing? I said, Oh, God! What are you doing? I said, oh, God, what are they doing? Well, they realized Brianna was sick. I was like, really? By the way, you can tell that Vicky is a seasoned mom because she knows

I'm not going to give these kids expensive toys. I'm giving them some wrapping paper tubes and they're going to have fun with it. And that's exactly what they did. You can have fun with my old kitchen counter. Here's a Caliente sign. Here's a Venetian cooking jar, okay? Modern kitchen now, modern.

And you know Troy is going to be a reality TV star because he's just beating the shit out of furniture while smiling at himself in the mirror. That's so funny. And demanding things. He's like, Owee, give me that. Give me that, Owee. So then I love that, like, so Vicky loads him up into the car, and then

she's like, hey, why are you screaming? Why are you screaming? I'm like, it's in the jeans, lady. Have you not seen all of you? Troy's like, I've never had sex with multiple partners! Help me! So we go on to Cup Fitness,

where... Oh, this scene was gold. Our little angelic Cup Fitness herself, Tamara, is getting her skin pinched by some lady, and the lady's like, whoa, look how smooth skin is getting, honey, that's awesome! She's like, is that good? Like, what the hell? She's like, yeah, That's awesome. She's like, is that good?

Like, what the hell? She's like, yeah, it's good. She's like getting all her skin pressed. And Tamara goes, ever since I was baptized last year, I prayed. I would pray to Jesus. Bring me good Christians. And then God sent Mia to me. She's like a Christian, but with a fat pincher. Thanks, Batch.

More priests and nuns should have fat pinchers. It'd be so helpful. She's like, I prayed for two things. Either good Christians or some Totino pizza rolls. And I got a good Christian. So great. I dedicated that to Jesus. God dedicated his son to the world.

I dedicated my belly button. God dedicated his son to the world. I dedicated my belly button. I totally understand, bitch. It was amazing. And then Mia is like, well, you know, as they said in the Bible, like, love thy ab roller the way an ab roller should love thyself. Now, you know what Psalm says, Tamara. Okay. You pinch your fat until there's nothing there. When the skin's too thin, when the skin's too saggy, you just cut Psalm says, Tamara. Okay? You pinch your fat until there's nothing there. When the skin's too thin, when the skin's too saggy, you just cut off your belly button.

She's like, thanks, fat. You know, when that girl turned into a pillar of salt, it was her own damn fault because she had too much sodium in her diet. Shut up, lot. Tamara's like, I wish God would take care of Ryan and his insta-wife. And she's like, now, Tamara, who did I tell you to give that to? Who? Tamara, who did I tell you to give that to? She's like, give it up to God.

That's right, Tamara. I was putting your life for a reason. God is great. Now, give me your muffin top. I just wish God would fix Ryan's shit. This is, like, really ridiculous. Give it to God, girl. Give it to God, girl. Give it to God, girl.

Let me fix your muffin top. Heather. I don't eat pizza, but I need this pizza oven. I may not cook it, but my chef does. Heather was... She was missing the mark. She was trying to do the fabulous rich woman thing. And she's done this before, and she just doesn't do it.

Like, if it were... Lisa Vanderpump can do this. She knows how to play this card of like, you know, I just want a pizza. But it's so wrong. I just want a pizza. You know, I'm not going to make it, but someone will. I don't know.

And he's like, oh, Lisa Vanderpump. But when Heather does it, it comes off so obnoxiously. And I know she is playing up for cameras i do sincerely believe that i think she is trying to be fabulous and she's just being awful she's like i mean hexagonal ice i mean everyone knows hexagonal ice she's like jewelry for the glass it's fabulous like no stop it you're being awful right now i think that if she spent less time being like i have been doing this for two years. I have been in the trenches for two years.

Terry has been hands off. I have been building this house myself. Then like, don't do the victim because I've been working so hard, like almost trying to do a blue collar kind of thing with extreme white collar, you know? Oh my God.

God, I have a pizza. I know I just have to have it once a year. It costs $7,300, but I have to have it once a year it costs 7300 but i need to have it no it it kills me and i think the other huge difference between someone like vanderpump is that vanderpump works and so it makes it different it's like i wanted a pizza and so i was gonna fly to italy to you know ask their advice about where in ohio i should fly to buy one and then you know like wolfgang puck will build her one on the property just because he thinks she's funny.

It's not the same. It's context is everything, too. Certain housewives, their image is that they just don't give a shit. They just are fun. They're drunk. If Sonia said, yeah, I decided to get a pizza oven. I mean, I'm not going to cook it. But someone will.

We'd be like, yeah, Sonia to get a pizza oven, I mean, I'm not going to cook it, but someone will. We'd be like, yeah, Sonya, you know? But Heather, she's just, that's not her personality. She's tightly wound, and she is intense. And, you know, I mean, that's what makes her a villain, but it's also kind of what makes her great. And she needs to just accept that rather than trying to be this fabulous. Dr. Mrs. Guinea Pig gerbil face. Yeah, she's just trying so hard. It's like she has to have the biggest house

and the fanciest cars and they're the famous people and it just comes off sometimes as, well, all the time as thirst. Yeah, exactly. And you know, she's fancy pants. And the thing is that I know that probably hanging out with her,

I feel like this is part of her personality. That she probably is just like, oh, we got a pizza oven. I feel like as a friend, she could probably pull it off by saying these things and be like, ha, ha, ha. But as a TV personality, it's just not working for me. Yeah, it's gross. So she's looking for the pizza oven. Everybody's hoping that she'll die. So Vicky, back at Vicky's, she's taking care of the kids for an hour or something, and she's about to kill

herself. And Brianna's just out of the hospital. And Brianna's like, well, I mean, I'm not feeling great. Oh, but I gotta go to work! But I'm really not feeling... Okay, bye! And Vicky leaves. And she's like, look, I just bought Brianna a house, okay? Money doesn't just pop out of thin air. I gotta go

to work. Also, I'm going to murder those children. I'll drown them. By the way, Vicky's entire story, this episode was her getting in and out of an SUV. Like, every scene was her just like... But, like, you know, I mean, I understand Brianna. Like, she was, you know, she needs her mom. But, like, you know, Brianna,

she did just buy you a house. And she also just drove with you for 21 straight hours with a kid shitting in the backseat. So, you know. she's been good. Brianna always pulls that like, well, I really need my mom right now, but I'm not even going to ask her because I know she won't stay here. And she always kind of plays that like, well, I guess I need my mom, but I don't have her anyway. So I guess she kind of has that like victim eeyore thing going on even though like she's legit got victim e things but it's almost like marrying ryan and then being like

oh i'm married to a cold man which is probably what she does to her friends in oklahoma you know yeah i agree do you like my just um guessing judgments that i have no idea if this is even happening i'm just making up things to judge now. I like it. That's ridiculous. So Kelly and her husband, they're ridiculous and they're stupid. She's like, I know I'm being a bitch to him and I want to have a beach party, not a bitch party. I'm like, you need to stop.

Yeah. What's next? Okay, so this party. So they're having this beach party and the brother who's in every single scene, not really sure what's happening with this guy, but Vicky comes, and she's like, oh, God, don't even talk to my brother. He's just going to hit on you. And Vicky goes, hold up, go for it.

I'm single. I want to put my toe in his pant. Yeah, I was not. By the way, I think we're skipping over the vital part, which is the mom walking through the sand in her high heels and her wig shaking to and fro. I didn't even see that. Also, someone tweeted us something about, was David really kissing that woman on the lips on the beach? Oh, my goodness. Who was that?

Okay, I'll take over this part. I feel like you must have missed some parts here. Not that they were too essential. So first, they set up this thing. And I'm already excited because I'm just imagining what Kelly's mom is going to look like on the beach. And sure enough, I was imagining her in a polka dot bikini and a cigarette. But if that woman was passing by you, this is like an imitation of how she would be walking. Imagine kind of this bobbling head, muttering, shuffling woman coming by.

I think that's fairly accurate. And that's pretty much what happened. Because she showed up in sort of like a tiger print thing on the back of a bike. And they're like, Mom, you're going to fall off the bike. What are you doing, Mom? You're crazy. You're such a crazy woman. And she's like, no, I'm not. And she gets

off the bike. Look, I got off the bike and I'm going to walk to you. And they're like, Mom, you can't wear those shoes in the sand. No, I'll take them off. It'll be fine. And she sits down. And oddly enough, I was captivated by the entire process. So then the first to arrive at the beach party is Megan King Edmonds. And she's like, hey, justice knowledge. I showed up with shots on ice.

But literally like shots of IVF on ice, not like shots of vodka. She has like a bag full of ice and shots for her IVF. Would anyone mind taping this for jimmy uh i'm not actually giving the shots to me i just really want to impregnate a dolphin right now so someone capture one um then shannon shows up and she's in a justice headband she is uh she you know, the only reason why she showed up at the stupid party was to keep an eye out for the woman that David found on the beach.

You know, she's like, all right, well, all right. Might as well call it Baywatch because I have an eye for any mistresses that David might be kissing. Some people look for shells on the beach.

I look for shells of human beings that David wants to make out with. Well, shockingly enough, David went to kiss Kelly. Hello. And like kissed her on the beach. I look for shells of human beings that David wants to make out with. Well, shockingly enough, David went to kiss Kelly hello and kissed her on the lips. It looked like it was one of those accidental ones. She's like, oh, that was a nice kiss. Kelly's husband was like, hmm. But Shannon, I think Shannon missed it

because if Shannon had seen it, she might have just flung herself into the ocean. All right, take me now. She probably had a huge fight when this aired. She probably had a huge fight when this aired. She probably had like a live Facebook streaming thing where she's like, well, not talking to David right now. Guess why? Anyone?

Anyone taking questions from the audience? Anyone? So then Vicky shows up and that's when she meets the mom and the brother and says it's about dipping toes in the brother's pond. And then she's like you know i like kelly you know she would have brought me a casserole and then then vicky has this like really awkward cold greeting with megan where she puts like one hand on megan's shoulder and megan like shakes vicky's other hand or something and then like oh hello Hi. It's really cold and awkward. Shannon is cracking me up.

She walks off with David privately. To play pickleball, I believe. Can you believe? Can you believe, Vicky? Look at her. I will not be put in the position where I have to say something to Vicky. I have nothing to say. Like, we get it. Yeah.

We get it. No one cares. This is not in the spirit of pickleball, Shannon. Well, pickle, balls, anyone else you'd like to toss this one into, David, while we're here? David, David, I can't believe you had me play a high-sodium game. David, David. That's my second sodium joke. I said David's pickle is balls deep in some stranger.

Congratulations, David. David, David. David. David. This seems like a gastropub sort of game. I've made two sodium jokes in the past ten minutes, so this is a real problem. Something's on my mind. I'm like, let's go for the trifecta. Is anyone drinking V8?

Come on now. Oh, so good. So Vicky and Tamara are off having their private talk. Now, this was different. And again, it's different because I know I'm a sucker, but I'm totally falling for Tamara's act. I'm falling for it. I can't help it. What's up, Vex?

Oh, you know, I just feel quiet. You know, quietness. You know, sometimes there's loud things and sometimes there's time to be quiet. I'm feeling. I'm tipping. I'm thinking. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm thinking. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm like, you know, I mean like reverse Andalus. Just real

quiet. You know, it's just I miss my friends. I feel like. I'm like woo woo. Like the reverse of woo woo. I'm booing it up. Boo hoo. You know, so like I feel like, you know, you sort of turned on me. I mean, no, I mean, you turned away from me, and, you know.

It's like the typical, you know, we've seen this, like, every, again, every two or three seasons, they have their, they hash it out. And meanwhile, nearby at the fire pit, Shannon's there in, like, a little blanket. She's like, hmm, familiar words trickling over. David, David. Here lies Shannon Med Hmm, familiar words trickling over. David, David, here lies Shannon Medore killed by trickling words of faux apologies. Anybody able to give me mouth to mouth before I drown from these trickling words? Might as well throw myself at the bonfire because no one cares if I'm burned by these words.

And then also typical Vicky's. Well, you know, last year was a shit storm and I'm struggling. I'm working to not be struggling. And she's like, I miss my friends. But, you know, I know it also goes both ways, which makes no sense. And Tamara's like, what's that mean? Like, what does that mean? Vicky's like, okay, you guys should have been there for me. And don't think you're where you turned down me you turned away from me you don't know and she's like um in

what way vex well my relationship was falling apart and then tamra kind of starts losing it like you were dating this asshole and vicky just cannot admit even though she's already admitted i guess she's forgotten what she admitted. Well, I love that the turning point in this, because this is when the music changed from being combative to emotional, was when Tamara's like, you were talking about,

you wanted us to bring you casseroles. And Vicky goes, I assumed people would bring me casseroles. And the music goes from like, dun, dun, dun, dun, like, oh, it was a breakthrough moment oh all this time she thought i would bring her a casserole it wasn't that she was asking for it she just expected it now i get her and i thought tamra's explanation was perfect she's like well first she goes here we go on vicky's hamster wheel of bullshits.

But between the hamsters and the guinea pigs, like there are a lot of rodent references here, which is appropriate on this show. I know, especially since Tamara has possum face. Heather has gerbil face. Vicky has, I don't know, Vicky's face changes all the time. But, you know, a lot of rodents. I liked it. It's a hamster wheel of bullshit. And then, what else was her other thing she does?

Vicar is like that older sister that you don't want. Like, always fucking up. You never want to be around her, but she's her sister, so you have to, bitch. And then, I actually liked that Tamara was having a Christian crisis. She's like, do I forgive Betch?

Or do I not Betch? Like, I don't know. Like, where's Mia? Like, I need Christianity guidance right now. Mia's like, do-do-do-do-do-do. Hello, Mia. Yeah, I felt you. Okay?

Here's what God said. He said, forget those Betches, for they know not who they batch batch. He's like, thanks, Mia. Yep, God put me on your iMessage for a reason, batch. Bye, batch. Vicky, typical fucking Vicky. She's like, okay, well, that's your truth, Tamara. Okay, my truth, my truth is that I believed Brooks, okay?

That's my truth. Yeah. I love Vicky's my truth that's like her ultimate argument this is my truth as if there's like multiple truths we can all just choose from well then at one point they were just getting in a tizzy too because Tamara was saying you should have done this and you should have done that and Vicky's like I know

no that's what I'm saying I should have I should have I should have and like Tamara's not hearing it I was like listen to her Vicky's trying to apologize well finally she did. She was just like, okay, I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? I want to be us again. Like a good.

Vic and Tam. And she's like, all right, bitch. But Mia has to be here too. She brought calipers. I feel like Mia's always coming between us. No, that's Jesus. That Mia's, you know, Mia's on the side of us. I love that musical they did about her. No, that's Jesus. That Mia's, you know, Mia's on the side of us. I love that musical

they did about her. No, that's about Abba. Mia doesn't have children. Mam? It's a movie about Mam and Mia. Mam! Mia!

Mam! Mia! Mam! Mia! I wrote a new musical called Mamia No you didn't Vicky Yes I did It's based on the music of Ace of Base I was gonna sell tickets

But instead you can pay me in casseroles So ultimately You know they start to cry. And then Tamra forgives her. And then she's like, you got to do good by the other girls. Well, you know, I've talked to you and Heather. So I guess I got to talk to Shannon next. And it's like to be continued. Good luck with that one, buddy.

Good. Good friggin' luck luck should be fun so uh next week we get the girls go on a tour of kelly's house and shannon gets jealousy over the chandeliers and uh their fights and it looks like it'll be a great time little shanoni baloney shanoni baloney so how about this you know this has been a long episode. And on top of that, we did a bonus episode. So why don't we on Thursday, I know for everyone who is waiting for this, but we'll do New York, Below Deck Med, and Shaz then. We'll move Shaz to Thursday. Holler! Holler!

Well, thanks, everyone, for listening. Just a blast. You can support us on Patreon.com forward slash Watch What Crepens and hear all our talk about Food Network Star and Amazon Prime Day. And you'll never believe what Ronnie and I both bought. And Facebook.com slash WatchWhatCrappens, WatchWhatCrappens.com. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Love ya!

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