Watch What Crappens - #3099 Vanderpump Rules S12E1 Part 1: A Whole New SUR-ld

Episode Date: December 4, 2025

This is part one of a two-part recapVanderpump Rules has returned with a whole new cast of ding dongs. They’re younger, they’re dimmer, and their hair has way less helpful products applied. Let’s do this! To watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Watcher Crappins ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Hello, darlings, and welcome back to Whatwood Crapins, a restaurant you meet your mistress. I'm Ronnie. That's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi, how's it going? Good.

Welcome home, Ben. Welcome to the warm pink-lit home of Fanderpump Rules. Ooh, yes. We're back. We're back. We're doing Amazon Live every Monday at 4. 4 p.m., join us this Monday. Our bonus this week is talking a bit about Thanksgiving, and then we went into a list of top housewives who entered the show at season 5 or later, written by Ben. So we went over that. That was super fun. Go check that out on our Patreon bonus episode. Yeah, check that out. And if you don't like the lists, that's a okay because you're not alone.

Yeah, just to be dragged. don't like it. Just leave Ben a tweet that says you're a real motherfucker. Okay. Seriously. But that was actually really fun to do. It was a fun list. It's a work of progress. Maybe we'll revise and revise and do it on it and come up with a final list. Who knows? Or not, because it's just a list. Who cares? But wow, Ronnie, what did you think about the return of Vanderpump rules? Most importantly, what did you think about that? Oh, I was pausing because I thought you were going to continue a sentence. I really liked it. I think it has a lot of promise.

I mean, I really loved the preview. We did a trailer trash for this over on our Patreon a while back, and I loved the trailer. I had all the feels in the trailer, and I ended up really liking it. I mean, my overall notes, I think the kids have promise on it. My overall note is fix that restaurant. I mean, the restaurant just looks so bad, doesn't it? It just looks so dirty and it looks old. I mean, I think if you're going to reboot, you really need to reboot the restaurant too.

It needs to look new. I mean, Lisa's like kind of limping out of there and like maybe, I don't know, or her pants too tight. I don't know. Something's going on with her. She's kind of limping and the restaurant's limping. And it's a sad time in West Hollywood right now, which we find out, which is so sad. It's like vander pump rules post-COVID, you know, and it's really just horrible. But overall, I liked it.

What did you think? Yeah, I thought it was good too. At first I was like, I was a little bored at first. I'm not going to lie. But I think it's because, you know, it was like a little sizzle really in the beginning. And whenever we say sizzle reel, it occurs to me like it's not everyone knows really what a sizzle reel is. But like a lot of times when shows are trying to get like an order from a network to get to do a pilot. What they'll do is producers will go and they'll shoot footage of some people and the people sort of like, my name Cindy. I'm a waitress. but my real passion is croquet. And you just sort of see, like, quick, it's kind of like a loose 15-minute pilot. It's like a presentation you showed executives and they decide whether or not they're going to throw money out and make it a pilot.

And so, like, there was that vibe here because we'd get reacquainted. And I was like, I kind of wanted to, like, jump right into, like, story. But once it kind of got past all that, I actually felt surprisingly, like, fine with it. Like, I didn't, I really was not having moments of, like, this is nothing like the old magic.

Like, I was like, I honestly was like, I thought it was fine. I actually thought, my favorite part, my favorite part was how poor they all are. We got back to what, like, struggling actors, like when those two guys were on the beach talking about, like, acting, I was like, I mean, the amount of times you hear these conversations with two, like, beautiful idiots in Los Angeles, it's like innumerable. You go to Starbucks and you hear guys talking about acting classes or like how they got this gig. I'm going to be famous because everyone says I look like Robert De Niro, you know. It's like that's kind of like what this show is built on. So I was really happy that they tap back into that. I was too.

And I'm really into the horish men. Like I love that they just got straight up horace this time for the men. Like we've got two only fan cousins who are probably fucking like let's admit. They've at least tried to once or twice on each other. And I'm into it. Yeah, they literally were like, God, I want to go to Thailand after watching the White Lotus. Yeah, let's go together. I'm like, you did see that scene, right?

Yeah. Yeah, so there's something weird there. And then you've got, you know, it was also fun to take the trailer and take all of our initial thoughts that we just got from the trailer and seeing what was right and what was wrong. Because I think that everybody is going to look at this and say, how does it compare to the original, right? You're going to try and see who they recast us, what can. character. And we were really off on some of them. And some of them we were kind of on about. But, you know, it's going to be hard to kind of let them do their own thing and not judge them as the old cast. But it's also been nice in recent weeks to just watch the old cast. They're just such assholes, you know? Like Brittany does her whole like, well, Lisa Vaynerpom never called me one time by my son or none then. Then you've got, um, Sheena. By the way, a restaurant manager has never called me to see how I'm doing. Okay. I've won that I'm friends with. And she's called me. occasionally, but like that just doesn't happen. And then Sheena, who wrote her book, who's like making it sound like the worst thing that ever happened. They took her trauma and built a show

off of it and all of this. And so to me, it's like seeing all those ungrateful assholes having their paychecks taken away and handed to new youthful people who could, you know, be ungrateful in 10 years. It's just nice. It's nice to see the cycle begin to repeat again. Yeah, I actually felt like um it felt i was the big fear is that there'd be people who are going to be aspiring to be like the next dossie the next jacks whatever and i actually felt that people were more or less authentic to who they are i mean i feel like what seems to be our main girl natalie she felt a little like fake at times like i felt like she had some stuff that she brought into the interview room to be like funny with um like i think she needs she needs a little bit more work a little more time in the oven

but I think that like it like it worked I think she's going to be great I see what you see about there being like an air of fakeness about her and just being too on but I also think that's who she really is I think she is fake and too on and that's bad and I really love her there was like yeah like there was like she wasn't quite like I think she thought she was maybe a little funnier than she was but but she wasn't bad my favorite was Demi the the staff matter because she looks so over it She's been there for eight years, and I think that matters because she's seen all these other idiots go on and, like, drop by the restaurant to pretend to work and then going off. And now all their lives are imploding. And she's like, oh, well, here we go again, a new cast of idiots that I got to look after. Yeah. And then you've got, the one I think that is the most like the previous cast is Natalie. I think she's very Kristen. You know, she's very like Kristen, the hurricane, just always being angry and flying off the handle and stuff like that.

But then she's got some Sheena mixed in with the singing thing and the desperation and the fucking old guys. You know, she's got that going on. But she actually is a decent singer. I mean, she's kind of like a hum singer. But she's a pretty good singer. I mean, I was actually surprised to hear some talent. But it was also funny to hear her. Yeah, she was all right.

She was definitely like better than Sheena. But it was also funny hearing her being like, let's do a little bit more like a. I like that. Yeah. And then. She was like, is it this? No, is it like this? Is it like that?

It's like that. Let's do this. It's not like, I don't know that she's going to be on like a stage without a microphone projecting to the balcony anytime soon. But I don't know. Right. And I think the one who reminded me most of Kristen, early years, Kristen, was actually this girl Kim. Because Kim and what's his face, the green bean guy, they, she sort of has that like early, Kim and Sandova, I'm sorry,

Kristen and Sandoval energy, where you know, Sandoval and Kristen were having endless toxic fights in those first two seasons. That's true. Yeah. You know, Kristen was always getting jealous and always was getting upset at Tom. And Tom was like, dude, like, what did I do wrong?

And we know that he was probably like, playing all sorts of mind games with her. And so that's what we have now? What's that guy's name in the new season? The skinny guy. I won't know until we get there. He's the guy from Mr. Robot, right? The guy who played Freddie Mercury.

Yeah, he's Romney Malick. Yeah, Rami Malik. He looks just like him. He definitely does look like that. And begrudgingly, like, his impersonation of the really hot guy was very accurate. When he started doing it, I was like, okay. But then that guy came in. He's like, yeah, whenever you see what's his name.

Again, we won't know until we see the names. It's like, he really does come in. He's like, ha ha ha ha ha ha. I think the most actory, like the people who seem to be acting the most are Kim. I think she's like a bad actor. She's bad in her in a professional. She can't read her lines right. Yeah, she's like clearly has written lines that she can't read.

And her boyfriend, Rami Malik, is a little phony. And he's trying a little hard to be the new Jacks or whatever. And I just don't really, I don't get it really. And then Venus, who's the, uh, gay with the stringy hair listen girl love your hair love that you have long hair love your bold i love your like dime store um like fashion you know like your thrifting like your thrift glam or whatever i like it actually um like the audacity but you need some carastas you're frizzed like you're frizzed out i think i like okay so far um but he's a little he's a little actory too so

So I don't know. Overall, I kind of liked it, but it's a show that we just have to let it settle in. Because remember, when we first recap the first episode of Vanderpump Rules 18,000 years ago, I hated that show. I wanted it to die. I resented everything about it. And then as it grew on me, it became my favorite show. So this one, I mean, I'm starting to kind of, I already kind of like. So I think it has promise.

We'll see. Well, I mean, I'm like on board, honestly. And I'm surprised how quickly I'm on board. You know, again, initially I was like, I was like a little like, okay, I'm sort of tired of hearing about what all your lives are. But I was, I found myself, I was in it. I was in it. And it was great to see cheap apartments. It was great to see guys talking about writing scripts together.

It's great to see people with dreams. Like someone saying that they, that one guy who was like, I came to work at Seherst, that way I could network. I was like, I was like, L. I'm sure. Lots of housewives from Oklahoma.

You're going to be getting cards from. Okay? Yeah. And it's kind of like, it's the thrill of watching Squid Game. You know what I mean? You see all these contestants

that are gathered together. And in my mind, the contestants are dreams. Okay. And then one by one, week by week, you just watch those dreams die. And that's a show that's,

you know, it's L.A. Squid Games. So I'm here for it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think it's time We dive in

Let's do it So we start with the trailer Which we actually broke down And so we don't have to go through the whole trailer again But it's we do see It does start with an image of a puddle Which I think is great A puddle when it says sir in the puddle

And it needs to be like Oh, sir Welcome back Villablanca is where you take your wife And so is where you take your Mestra Sa Sa Sa Sa Sa Sa Sa Sa Sa Sa Sa Sa Sa And we see a bunch of

flashbacks of people's, you know, famous lines from the show. We did miss, as you pointed out, and the trailer trash. We did miss the, uh, what about the, it's not about the pasta. And we missed any Sheena line. Sheena really fucked herself up. Like she can't even be in the opening anymore. So that was funny to me. And then we go to Sir Lisa's greeting tables. Like, hello, welcome to son. Is this your mistress? Wink. Um, I was excited. I believe in the, in the trailer breakdown. I was excited because it looked like, we thought like, oh, a new, a new, a new era for for Vanderpump rules. We are leaving the magician outfits in the, in the rear view mirror. No. No. Lisa is going strong with, with magic. Yeah, she's back, baby. Magic is back. Listen, she spent, um, so much time in Vegas recently with all of her empire there that she's even magic here, I would say. She really is So she's like

Okay Oh look at this We're back in I'm back in the seat Being interviewed by Bravo Oh before we do this How close are we Can't be too close

Because my tits will disappear Because they get lower And lower every year So we need to make the frame Wider Ah get it Oh Sir has been in business for 20 years

And one of the reasons We've lasted so long As we have the high expectations for food and ambiance. What are you talking about? Ain't nobody go there because your food is good. I like that they kept showing clips of the food

and it literally looked like human guts on a plate. And those lights are still the same hues. I can see the dirt on the walls. Could you get somebody to dust the walls? With all the recognition we've gotten from the James Beard Foundation and the Michelin Guide, it's been hard to keep people away.

Actually, we've just had recognition from the Beard Foundation recently when people found little curly hairs in their soup damn you chef joe i really would love a flashback of chef joe coming out trying like with his like turnip soup or whatever it was or at the time when lisa was like one thing that we like to do is highlight a new creation once a week be called a special so we first meet mattie she's behind in the bar with Chris. And Natalie's like, oh, my God, my lip glasses. My lip glasses getting attached to my hair right now. He's like, yeah, your lip glasses popping like that, huh? Yeah, it is. You know, without a vibrant

staff, it just wouldn't be sir. I'm like, you mean, that's code for without terrible service, but attractive people, it wouldn't be served. The only thing vibrant is the staff infection at this restaurant and we all know it. The staff infection and the pink neon lights in the background which are not unlike my pink neon lights I'd like to add. I was going to say we both got him but you know that's where they came from.

Mine you can't see because it's not dark here but see you see them over there. I put them on pink for Vanderpump. Oh and there's Vanderpump hiding behind a plant there she is over there. So now we see Venus taking orders and Venus is like working at Sir is probably the best

job I've ever had and I've had like 36 jobs. It kind of reminds me of high school because I'm just like running around like talking with my friends all the whole time and like everyone's like hot. They're all like fucking each other and they're just like absolute lunatics. Yeah, I had a pretty wild high school actually now that I think about it. Just a hot high school of fucking. God, we'd fucking social studies. We'd fucking English class. We'd just fuck everywhere because everyone was so fucking hot in high school. Aren't you like 22? How have you had 36 jobs? Sir? And so he goes to the table. He's like, hi like shakes his hair back behind his head he's like hi i'm venus i have long hair do you guys

want to start with goat cheese balls or anything now listen i know you all want to see la la she's she's not here but her lips are i'm wearing them um i'm gluten free me too it's like oh okay you're telling me they haven't come up with gluten-free goat cheese balls yet at sir i mean you're in west hollywood i'm sure everyone's asking for gluten-free goat cheese balls how do they not do that but i love his response because that's that would be my response response to two gluten-free people at one table. Because when there's two gluten-frees, it's generally not celiac. You know what I mean?

Chances are, they're just annoying you on purpose. And so I like his response was just like, oh, yeah, okay, well, I'll be back then. And he just walked away. Like, fuck off. You're gluten-free, then figure it out. Bye. Yeah. I just say, everyone, it's time that we acknowledge that the goat cheese balls are not,

they're not really what I think what they used to be. We had some of the go cheese balls when we went to Pinkies in Vegas, and it was like dry, despite them being fried and crispy in the outside, it was like dry, crumbly, like cheese on the inside. It was not. I loved it. I don't know that it was worth that much money because, I mean, I think they were like $8 per ball or something. Yeah. It was something like that. That was crazy.

Yeah. So, and they're tiny, you know, little, little nuts. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappence commercial. So, Venus is like, yeah, well, we work and we party and we have sex. So, like, I like to get fucked up with my friends. What else can I say? That's a vibe of sir.

And I love that they brought back this tradition because in the early seasons of Vandenpump Rules, they talked about sir. Like, it was literally the best restaurant in all of Los Angeles, if not the West Coast, if not the country, if not the world. Like, yeah, sorry. Remember Kristen? She's like, yeah, sorry, we're just like all hot. Like just, sorry, we're just like models, we're hot.

Sorry. Yeah. The way it is here. Everyone is, sir, is a model. You have to be model to work here. And it's like, yeah, we're all like totally hot. We work at sir. We work at sir.

So then Natalie sees a bottle, and it looks like it's been watered down. And she's like, that is disgusting. And that is not acceptable. I'm Natalie. I started working at Sir in May of 2023. It's been like 20, 23 years. So I started working on the exact same day as Venus And it took me a second to warm up to him

Because I thought he was just wanting to take like photos Throughout the whole shift and not work But then I fell in love with them Because he does take photos throughout the whole shift and not work And now I've been my best friend forever I'm definitely the best bartender And I'm the fastest and the most creative And I look cute, am I right?

And we see you're at work We're seeing the best bartender at work She's like, make sure we're like cleaning everything, okay, especially these. Clean the glasses. Best bartender. Yeah, like, if you have a shaker and you have apparel in there and then you pour something else, it still tastes like apparel because apparel like sticks to stuff. So can we just like clean stuff, you guys? Best bartender here. Oh, okay, well, I caught those. Can we catch it? Can we just do another shot and make it look like I caught those bottles? Just drink cocktail. Things go flying everywhere. Yeah. So now Chris,

Chris is the guy who I think is from Jersey and he's got big eyebrows and he's got very rosy cheeks, which is like carrying on the Jack's tradition. He's got sort of like blush. And so Chris can rob me, hit me over the head with a cast iron pan, run me over and steal my dog. And I would still offer him a meal. I mean, I love him. He did not do it for me. I'm sorry to say. I mean, he's a child. But, you know, just in cuteness level. I mean, I think he's just so cute. Oh my goodness. I like. I like. I like the shorter one more. He is the short one. No, I'm talking about the taller guy with the rosy cheeks. Oh, he's disgusting. No, no, I want the little one. I want the little cousin. The little one's adorable.

Yeah, I like the little one. I want the little one. But this guy, he's sort of like a mix of Jacks and Brett rolled into one. So he's like, yeah, sir, it's pretty chill. And I laid back into the other restaurants that I've worked with. I mean, no one's really training me, though. I'm just, like, fed to the fucking wolves. The wolves were starving.

Like, did you say you wanted training at, I'm sorry. This is not a restaurant that has any sort of professional procedures. So if you want training or you have to go to a actual proper restaurant. Also, put things into a shaker and pour it into a glass and see what comes out. And what does this sentence mean? I'm just like fed of the fucking wolves and the wolves were starving. Yeah, that's the only reason the wolves eat at this restaurant.

They're starving to death. Okay. It's also like you're a bartender. Like you just make your pumpini. Get the pumpini recipe and the rest. Pompini, Rose, and then the rest just make it up. Jack survived for many years doing this. Yeah, so Natalie's like, watch out, Chris, because I'm going to hate you.

I'm like the best bartender and best bartenders move fast. And he's like, don't be scared. Don't be shy with me. You can push me. Do whatever you need. It's called chemistry, guys. Yeah, I'm a real, like, lady killer. The main reason I work at Sir is to network and create more opportunities for myself.

I was, I really want to, I really want to make a name for myself in Asian antiquities. decor-wise. So I'm just trying to network with some planters and some oversized sort of quasi-Asian motifs that they got in here. Yeah, you know, everyone's always told me I've got that Hollywood look. They say that I look like Robert De Niro. Okay, I don't think that's a compliment, honestly. I mean, Robert De Niro, great actor. I don't know that he's like a pin-up, you know.

But he does look like him. He does, okay. I'm not fug shaming. I'm just saying like there's, I don't know. I don't see Robert De Niro with an only fan. You know what I mean? I just also think that just because you look like Robert De Niro does not mean that therefore you're going to necessarily make it in this business.

Yeah, I look like Uncle Fester. I'm not on Wednesday. So Natalie is like, oh my God, I didn't realize this was your second day of training. I've just been so busy making drinks because I'm the best bartender here. And Chris is like, yeah, I mean, what did you think? You were supposed to train me the first day. did you forget she's like well yeah actually yeah because i was gonna say i wasn't here last week because i was suspended which is crazy because i'm the best bartender here and i was suspended isn't that

wild he's like uh-oh you're naughty would you do naughty girl she's like no i wasn't being naughty i was just defending myself so in the kitchen they're also talking about her and now we meet venus who's also like giant lipped and very pretty oh no venus no demi demi is also giant la la lips. And Demi also has very giant, very beautiful lips. I love her. She's, she's my favorite so far. So Venus is like, I saw Natalie behind the bar. She goes, yeah, we said hi. It's normal. Wait, you said hi to Natalie? Yeah, because I'm professional, so. Then we go back to Natalie and she's like, everyone's going to tell you that I was crazy and screaming, which is true. So basically, last week, my stepdad and brother were in town.

And we went to Sir with some friends, and Paolo was working. Who's Paolo? Palo's my ex-boyfriend, and he also works at Sir. He's 54, but he's like a hot 54. I cannot. What? You were making out with a hot 24. She's 26.

Paolo from Sir, I'm looking his ass up, because they put a happy face over his face so we couldn't see him. Palo from Sir I mean Oh he was in a bad motorcycle accident Oh he does not look 54 at all Here I'll send you Is that why they put a happy face over his His body

So eight weeks ago Guillermo posted a picture with Palo And said my dear friend Palo Has been in a terrible motorcycle accident And is now fighting for his life In this incredible difficult time I ask everyone to put no Thoughts in your hearts

Thoughts and prayers Please join me in praying for us Oh my goodness Well, I hope hallo's okay. Well, geez, way to ruin it, Ben. Well, I didn't know that this is what I was going to be coming up. Jeez, God, don't Google people, people. Hello.

Okay, learn your lesson. So, anyway, so they just put a big happy face over him. And Natalie's like, yeah, well, I just asked him to unblock my number, and then he started telling me I'm a bad person in all this drama, and I know, like, very, you know, it was like very loud. And he goes, yeah, it was a verbal encounter. Yeah, verbal encounter, exactly, because I'm a disturbance. and then I'm being asked to leave by my best friend.

I don't know. I just lost my mind. Can you believe that? I mean, I'm the best bartender and sir, and they're asking me to leave. That's crazy. You know what? It's a real disturbance.

Shitty cocktails made by inferior bartenders. You know what's not shocking here that we have like 20 drinks sitting on the bar and no waiters picking them up? What the heck? Yeah, where the server's at, right? Come on, guys, come on. So where are those servers?

They're in the kitchen. So we see Marcus. Marcus is the skinny guy. Marcus and Venus, they're taking shots. And Marcus is like, wow, cheers to an awesome night, my friend. Let's go have a fucking good time. And Venus is like, I'm so fucking sure, man. Like, let's have like a good time, man.

Yes. So Marcus is Romney Malik, right? Yes. Okay. So he's like, yeah, working it, sir. It's a fucking playground for me. You got to keep it interesting or else we're just serving tables. it's literally what you're doing that is what you're doing i hate to break it to you as a server

like the thing you're doing is serving tables i love that you can talk yourself into some other delusion but you better get my goat cheese balls okay so that's what you were here for don't keep it interesting i think is this something we talked about in the trailer when he said you got to keep it interesting i don't want my wait i don't want my i don't want my waiters to keep it interesting just bring me the food here's what i don't need from you interesting okay bring me my diet and my vodka martini and my goat cheeseballs and line them up and go the fuck away. Okay.

I was surprised because I think from the trailer, I thought Marcus was going to be the quote unquote like nice guy of the cast, like the good guy who like cares about rules and things like, I don't know why. I just thought he was the nice guy. And it turns out, no,

he is actually one of the shitheads. He is like, he's doing the shots from, he's scooping sangria into a cup so he could sneak drinks in. And he's like, doesn't care about working. And he's like, in a toxic relationship. That's just really not what I was expecting.

I wasn't either. We weren't expecting him to be like the stead of the show. He looked like kind of the dork in the previews. But here we go. We were like, is that the gay guy? We were trying to figure out if there was like a gay guy other than Venus Hobbs. But no. So, yeah, I think he's really trying to be cool, but I don't think he's cool.

I think we're probably more right than we think. So right now is definitely not the coolest. Yeah, he's training Jason, who is the one that I would go to prison for. I love Jason. So he's like, Jason's like, do people actually order goat cheese balls a lot? Yeah.

Where the fuck do you think you are, sir? Did you not look at this? It's like the image on the Google Maps is a goat cheese ball. This is actually such a good sign because like the biggest fear that we have are people who just like watch the show and then are trying to replicate it. And this guy clearly has never seen Vanderpump rules. He's like, Go cheese balls.

What? Yeah. So Marcus is like, yeah, everybody. Damn near everybody. except for those two gluten-free losers at table 12. Yeah, I'm pointing at you.

So you're telling me I'm going to be selling balls at my job and at my home job? It's a lot of balls selling. So Marcus is like, yeah, everybody gets on that, bro. There's servers who know the menu to a tea, and they'll tell you everything down to the arugel or whatever, but I'm just like shaking it up. I like to get in people's ear, okay? Everyone loves me here, so I'm not going to get in any trouble. What are you going to do?

Fire me? How? How are you going to fire this? This guy being so proud of being a terrible worker is hilarious. He's like, there's some people who just, like, know this menu. That's so stupid. I'm just going to show up and just bring food to whichever table. I mean, they'll eat it, right?

Yeah, it's like, hey, and when bartenders don't give you a drink, you've got brunch sangria right in the fridge. So he's trying to give him to drink and take shots and stuff. But we can tell that he doesn't do this often because he's doing it right in front of the camera. So he's trying to be cool, but he totally looks like a dork trying to be cool the second the cameras come on. He has no idea that Natalee is up in her office doing sliver action, and she's like, what is happening on Monotard number four?

I would have to discuss this later. She's in a bathtub with a remote control. So Jason's like, yeah, training with Marcus, I feel like I want to do more, but he's like, do less, you know, because he's like, you come here and you just don't work. And I'm like, what do I do? And then he's like, nothing. This is a real problem for Lisa Vanderpump,

Because her whole thing is like, well, you know, Jack's, he, he stole from, he stole revenue and he, he put his hand up someone's skirt and he cursed out a customer. But he's the best of the best. What am I supposed to do? I can't fire him. He's the best bartender. But now this guy's like, I literally am the worst. It's like, I don't like to serve. I don't know the menu.

I don't care. I just show up and I smile and I go back to the back room and I drink. So Lisa does not have the excuse of like. Like, oh, I would fire him, but he's the best waiter we have. Oh, no one can replace little Jackson. Let's all look through our HR manuals. Every single page says, boys will be boys. Hmm.

So, yeah, they do these, like, sangria shots. And then Marcus is like, don't tell Demi. And Demi's like, what are you guys doing? He's like, we're just chatting. I'm just telling him about the dry stock, telling him how all the dry ingredients are over there because it's dry stock

that's actually like not funny I take the dry stock very seriously so like please don't make jokes about that she tells us I honestly work with idiots I started it sort of like eight years ago it's fucking shoot me in the face and we see that

we see her sort of like ghostly presence as she walks around in the background behind Sheena it's the only flashback we I feel like we got of like old school Bander Pump rules. So look, Gina got her moments. She wasn't included in like the quotes of the puddle,

but they did give her a flashback. But they didn't even let her talk. She was like, hi, I'm not. And they cut her off and just circled Demi in the background. Court! She's like, they asked me to be assistant manager because I was already bossing people around. So just kind of worked out for them.

Yeah, I've been sweating like a fucking pig in here. I feel like I'm going through menopause. It's so fucking hot in here. Marcus is like, have you ever seen The Shining like Jack Nicholson was there the whole time? That's Dimmy at Sir. Oh God, that's such a scumbag thing to say. But it's the truth.

It really is the truth. I'm like, sir, you're no spring chicken yourself. So, um, I thought that was funny. And they showed a black and white picture. And they just showed Demi's face being there the whole time. All right. Well, how are you doing? You're not allowed to come on the floor there, Jason.

You bad little boy. And Jason laughs. And wait, is Jason the new guy again? No, I think that's Marcus. No, no, that's Marcus. Wait, hold on. Jason is the new guy. Yeah, Jason is a new guy.

Jason's the short guy that we like. This is like a new below deck. We need a few weeks to get the names. This is very hard. I'm like, I'm just too late to pull up their faces. I'll do it. Next time you go on a monologue, I'll pull up the faces. So Lisa's like, oh, hello, hello, hello, hello.

Oh, look, there's Audrey a hostess. So Audrey comes in. She's the blonde girl. she's sort of like lady gaga in the beginning of like a star is born she's like hi I don't know if she's chewing gum but she definitely has that vibe of like

hey what's going on guys my feet hurt these boots were not made for walking it's like yeah everyone that works at Sarah is also trying to make it in the entertainment industry because we're all singers and actors and dancers and I'm definitely manifesting roles in horror films I can do a really good like kill me scream you want to see

see It's also the sound that the customers make When they receive their wrong order It's the same sound that the customers make The next morning when they look inside the toilet So Marcus comes up to Kim This is also where we meet Kim She's like

Kim doesn't have any She has like one look on her face Which is like disappointment Kim is basically Melissa Borga She looks just like Melissa Gorga, but she's got like this boring edge to her face. And listen, Melissa Gorga is not that exciting to begin with. But she's like an untouched up version of Gorga. Mm-hmm. She really is. And so Marcus is like, hey, what are you doing? You're so far away.

She's like, I'm busy. She's like, oh, yeah, I'm busy. And then they kiss. He's like, come on. Come on. Let's talk. Everyone's pissing me up, asking me for a bunch of bullshit that I don't want to do. It's like, those are your customers. And they're asking you if they can have go, go, these balls and some salmon. That's what she said. She's like, oh, my God, like, as a server, because you're a server, wow, they're asking you for things. Exactly.

I don't have time for that shit. It's your section. Yeah, I'm cool, babe. I don't got time for that. And so Demi is like, yeah, Kimberly's Marcus's girlfriend. And she's just in love with Marcus, and all that, that's really all there is to say about it. That's her personality.

Well, she loves Marcus. The end. That's it. So Kim is like, um, when I first started, when I first started sir two years ago, I felt, I feel like Marcus was like a bit of like a makeup bandit. And Marcus is like, yeah, to be dead honest, everybody was just trying to fuck your boy. Yeah, that's just the truth. I'm not lying. Like, were they?

Yeah, Venus says that they fight every single week. One week together, they're the best relationship. The next they break up and they start all over again. Yeah. Venus is probably like my best friend on paper because like on paper we're totally different. Like I'm a crazy asshole. He's like a pop diva without a pop record. And, you know, Venus is like, I actually have an album that does very, very well in Turkmenistan, but that's fine.

Venus says, yeah, I feel like everyone thinks that me and Kim and Marcus are a thruple, because Marcus will literally show me his dick on a picture on his phone in front of Kim. And Kim will be like, oh, that's totally normal. Great. Sounds like things won't go totally terribly for this review. So, Kim is saying how it's really busy because it's like, it's really busy tonight for a Wednesday. You know, so it's like, it's too busy.

I'm about to have a heart attack. So Lisa comes to Chris at the bar. He's like, how are you doing? Do you know all the drinks yet? He goes, you want to test me? She's like, not yet, thank you. God, I just don't want to have to say Pumptini again. I'm just not ready.

Okay, the first test. I will do a test. Jack and Coca-Cola. He's like, all right, here you go. This is a lemon drop. What is wrong with you? The test is in the ingredients are in the name. But here's the best that we have.

So she comes up to Natalie and she's like, Welcome back. We need to have a one-on-one table ten, shall we? So they go into like, the soft focus on Lisa's really strong these days. They go into this like room that's like dark and like candlelit. And it's like, okay, you're back. But I still don't like what I've heard.

Yeah, I'm sure you don't. Lisa, like I'm sure you don't. Lisa. You need to explain to me, young lady, exactly what transpired, because I take it very, very seriously when it goes out there into the restaurant because you came in on your night off with your family

and then you create this ridiculous scene. Well, it's just that I'm going to talk really high right now because I'm just a little girl that you're talking to, but Palo and I broke up three months ago. We never had any separation, which is like totally fine because that's what happens when you date someone that you work with. I totally get it, Lisa. Darling, you came here on your night off. That night is for separation. And then you went

after him. I've seen the tape. You were relentless. Pandy couldn't even watch it herself. But Pandy does have the projection screen. Pandy roll it in here, darling. She rolls like an old squeaky thing like he used to have in grade scores. Like, wait, wee, wait, wait, wait. The TV on top. It's a divine addiction on it. Leftover. It's leftover equipment. All right, darling, Pandy, which we call this? A blog, mother. All right, press play.

So they press play, and we see Natalie going up to the bar, yelling and waving her finger at people and be like, blah, blah, motherfucker. So now everyone's watching on their phones, and Demi's like, I don't even need the audio for this. I can hear her screaming. Like, Natalie was, like, at the bar, waisted screaming at Powell, begging him to unblock her number. It's stupid. Okay, let me tell you this. Natalie's family flies in from out of town and her dad, who's a surgeon, comes in to see how his daughter's doing at work.

And he turns around and she's trying to strangle the bartender. Demi's like, she has her finger in my face saying, like, you're always against me. I can't believe I'm being treated like this. I'm Natalie. I'm Natalie. And Natalie's like, okay, here's a list of reasons why I really shouldn't be in trouble at all. Number one, I wrote them on my phone, okay, so my notes. Why is everyone making me out to be so crazy?

Because I'm actually going through something. And by the way, Mercury has been in Retrogate this entire time. And by the way, my ex and I had no sex life. You're dating a 56-year-old girl? Like, what do you expect? And he was very private about everything. So that's another reason why I'm really upset because maybe if I was getting laid, I'd be a happier person. Maybe date someone like in their 40s?

I mean, I don't know. Baby stepping. Yeah, anything. shoes. Here comes one right now. Oh, but what, what would you think if you saw someone acting like that in front of you? Well, you just sat there and ordered a cocktail and you came here to relax. What would you think, as John Kehanis would say, what would you do? Well, I would think that girl's freaking crazy. I'm, like, so embarrassed, Lisa.

Well, I'm embarrassed for you. But I was in like fight or flight mode. It was like fight or flight. Please, please give me some trauma. If you say that you are a bird that has been broken, we can fix this. But if not, I will have to be very stern with you, young lady. You're a young woman, a woman that's been here a long time ever since the year 23 AD.

And you know, that's the only reason after this behavior where I'm actually. going to give you a break because otherwise I would have let you go like that. Hold on. Hold on. Hand me the jiggy knockoff. Hand me the jiggy. It would have let you go like that. Smoke bomb. All right.

The smoke didn't go off. It just looks like I threw a dog. All right. Hand me the dog again. It's all right. Very difficult times in West Hollywood. Not even the smoke bombs go off anymore. I have to say that everyone knows that I'm very stern with my employer. and that I am known for firing people on the spot when they do terrible behaviours. So just know your job is in peril at some point in the distant future.

Where else will you earn $50 per night? Doodle-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-smoke alarm. Now listen very carefully. I will be keeping an eye on you and ways that you can't even imagine. I will see your every move And if by the stroke of midnight You have not cleaned the app roll out of the shaker Then you shall be

Reporting for duty again tomorrow at the normal time There will be no consequences All right now before you go Pull the shirt under my sleeve Pull it Okay Ow I'm just pulling your

You told me to pull it I know pull harder Ow Nothing's coming out Damn Ken get in there We need to fix these handkerchiefs no darling thank you for doing that my giant sleeve ruffles got caught in the laser sleeves so they weren't fully extended and now they are flowering out she can't even do her multiple scarves coming out of her wrist anymore she's like damn it ever since the pandemic so um natalie goes back to the bar and chris like had that go she's like it was okay i deserve it i deserve it okay by the way i'm gonna be back i need a minute so mark his hugs her and he's like you seem upset she's like yeah i'm

Obviously, the way that I handled myself was wrong. Like, it sucks that it happened here, but it did. Hey, well, I mean, I think you're off to a good start. I mean, you came back in, you Smith-Sailing, you talk to Lisa, everything's good. Oh, yeah, and don't worry. Shane Davis is going to come. Shane Davis is coming tonight. Shane Davis.

Shane Davis. Shane Davis. Wow. Shane Davis. My God, Jane Davis is coming. Shane Davis is coming. Shane Davis is coming. Shane Davis is coming.

Shane Davis is coming. I'm being tonight. You to hear Shane Davis is coming to serve tonight. I don't know if anybody said that Shane Davis is coming into show. I'm not to spark out. Shane Davis, spark out. I'm at Shane to Marcus, and we've been talking for a few weeks now because now I can be social, now that I'm single.

Sorry, I had to yell that, but he's 54. You don't have to know his face. You just hear Shane Davis's laugh, and you'll know. He's good looking coming through the door. He's just like, And then we see Shane Davis walk in. And he's like, hey, he comes around the door and you're like, damn, that is Shane Davis. He's jacked.

He's got pretty blue eyes. He's got 90s hair. Am I in love with Shane Davis? I might be in love with Shane Davis. Shane Davis walks in with a girl, an anonymous girl, and sits at the bar. And Natalie's like, oh, my God. Shane just walked in with a girl after he told me, I'm not going to bring a girl to your workplace.

He is a liar. Well, just because you lie once doesn't make you a liar, right? Like, if you cut your hair once, does that make you a barber? That's right. I'm Marcus. Marcus is like, he like does like this gesture to be like, yep, gotcha. Gotcha. You got that one.

You just got Marcus. You got Marcus. You got the old barber trap. And I was like, Margus, can you not right now? Okay, I cannot deal with logic and deduction. I don't have this. for your bullshit. So here comes Shane.

He's like, what up, Chris? What up, Big Dog? How you doing, brother? What are you doing, brother, Big Dog? Yeah, Big Dog. Big Dog's going to have a brother drink. Yeah, brother drink.

Bro, Rick. What? No, I'm not. I'm sober, bro. Nothing for me. Which you should know because we're friends, but that's okay. I'll just remind you.

I'm sober, bro. Yeah, you want a mocktail? I'm going to surprise you, bro. I'm going to surprise the fuck out of you, bro, ham. Hey, America. I'm sober, but it does. doesn't stop me from going out to the bar and going out to the clubs and chasing

women. So what's your type, buddy? My type is chasing women. Who wants to get some briskees and head out to the ocean we can catch some sick waves? And he sees a customer, he's like, yo, random customer, this is our first date right here, yeah?

Guess what, America? I'm more addicted to a sucky this woman than I am drugs. I'm fucked up. So Marcus... This guy is like the living embodiment of the scene and she's all that where they jump into a yellow Jeep Wrangler and go to the beach. Like that's like he'd take that that entire scene and make that into a human. That's him.

This is the guy that beat up Anthony Michael Hall in every teen movie. So now... He really is like, we're having a party tonight. Like he really is the energy of an 80s movie. Yeah. He's like, my party. My parents are out of town. He wants the fucking party, bruce.

No nerds allowed, though. I didn't even have a stroller when I was a baby. I had a Jeep. My nanny just pushed me around and fucking jeeps. That's right, bro. He's always had a Jeep. He's always had a Jeep with the top down. That's just this guy.

So Marcus comes up and says hi and everything. His girl's name is Nika and everything. And Natalie's like, she storms. off. He's like, yeah. I met Natalie a few weeks ago, karaoke. She's clearly unstable, but she's hot. So then... So Natalie's like, oh my God, he's going to wish later when we all go out that he didn't bring this girl because I thought we were vibing. Like, who does that? Kim's like, Natalie, he's obviously doing it for a reason. I don't like it. I don't like it. what Shenz tells us

But the thing is, she's definitely been playing hard to get. So I brought a girl tonight who's looking bad as hell. And if it rubs her the wrong way, a good. All right, man, what do you want to drink? Virgin Mojito? He's like, A little Virgin Mo bro.

He. I miss that. A virgin mo. Don't say that in West Hollywood, by the way. You don't know what you're going to wind up getting. Oh, all right. Well, you as well, little lady. You don't drink either, huh? She's like, no, because I got a car thing tomorrow.

It's like, oh, wow, doctor, that's cool. So you're probably not going to come out to the Belmont? Yeah, I'm auditioning for a Seattleist commercial. Okay, cool. I don't really know what that is, but that's fucking cool. Commercials are still cool, bro. Even in the time of streaming, that's badass. Paolo, you heard about the Seattleist?

Oh, you have? Okay, cool. Um, so they're going to the Belmont. Is that the only place in here? Why do they go all the way to the Belmont? That seems far to me. I know, but they love going to the Belmont.

No, it's not, I mean, is it walkable? From Roberson to La Cienica. It's, it's far. I mean, you're not, you're not going to walk it. They're just going to. I guess they're straight. So they're not like, let's just go to mother load, you know, but.

Yeah. Seems far. Belmont's kind of like, it's like the place where they all go. I heard a rumor that the Belmont might be closing. Uh-oh. At the bar. I can't imagine that's true. The Belmont's been there for ages.

Ever since I moved to L.A., it's been there. Well, so of most of the things that have been closing all over the place. Gotta love me. I choose right when the town is imploding to move back. Like, yes, I'm back. They're like, sorry, the town is closed and now decrepit. Enjoy yourself. If the Belmont closes, you could probably blame Schwartz and Sandys because Shorts and Sandys was like the owner of the Belmont was in it with them, right?

And so I wonder if you lost a lot of money on that. You know, a lot of times with restaurants and bars, if you open up like a second one and the second one tanks, it sort of pulls the other one down. That's what I, that's what I heard from a restaurateur one. Oh, I didn't know that I forgot that the owner of the Belmont was in Schwartz and Sandys. Oh, God, you would think that somebody who runs the Belmont would know better than to open a place next to the UCB on Fairfax, Franklin. Duh. Well, it's, you know, it's high stakes right now for the Belmont. Someone call it the Belmont stakes.

Thank you, Alfredo. So, uh, Shane is like, so they're going to go to the Belmont guys tonight, guys, after school, we're going to go to the Belmont. Yeah, Belmont time. So you guys, so tips tonight, $500 between eight servers, so they're going to make $50. That is so sad. Do you remember the old days? They were like, I'm my $500 to die, Tyix. I know, but now it's, it's trying times at sir. Postpandy. Postpandy, oh, word play. Congratulations! You've reached the end of part one, of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers. Watch what crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King.

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