Watch What Crappens - #3102 Southern Charm S11E03 Part 2: Lost Boy Lit

Episode Date: December 4, 2025

This is part 2 of 2The Southern Charm gang throws a literature party, where Craig wears a lot of guyliner and works himself into a hissy fit after no one knows who his Lost Boy hero is. Also, Austen gets cats to use as an “aw shucks” crush as he gets ready to dump his girlfriend. To watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello and welcome to watch what happens. This is part two of a two-part recap. If you're like, hey, wait a minute, I didn't hear part one. Guys, it's because we put out a lot of recaps. Go back and listen to part one, okay? It's before this one. Bye. Enjoy the show.

So now we go to Wittner, FaceTiming with Shep. And Wittner's like, hey, having a birthday party Saturday. The theme is literary figures. So that can be an author or a character. It's basically just a reason to see what stupid shit Craig and Sally come up with because you know they don't read. Yeah. Shep loves this. He's like, I'm going to dress up like a hundred years of solitude.

Gosh. He's going to show up with like a white bang and be like, guys, I'm Susan Sontag. Just like his head is going to be in a fishbowl. He's like, guys, it's the bell tour. It's going to be a little, Charlie, blah, oh,

it's going to be a fun. How Charlie's there? I think she's very attractive. I would totally be open to going out with her. Oh, wow, you would. Would you lower yourself into going out with a 24-year-old supermodel beauty queen with a perfect body and face, chef?

Really? And Rodrigo's like, well, um, Austin and, uh, Craig went to see Charlie, sorry, Austin told me that Craig went to see Charlie

at the art gallery she works out. So, yeah. And so, Shep was like, okay, gosh, I mean,

well, I was in the hot tub with Craig and Sally a week and a half ago, but whatever, if Craig likes her, you know, gangs away. First of all, I'm not going to jockey

for position or anything like that, but hashtag Megalodon's necklace coming in. Ooh, I'm too old for that shit. Maybe I'm too old for her. her. But what do I know? I'm just a regular William Faulkner, if I, if I, if I, if I may, or sh, maybe I'm too old for her, frankly, because she's 27, um, which you know now Leo DiCaprio has broken his 25 year old lady rule and he is dating me 27 year olds. Wow. So,

you know, they're all doing it now. They're all doing it. So he's like, yeah, I got a lot of shit last year when people were like, well, of course he ended this or that. She's 26. But then again, I am maturing at a glacial pace. Hark, garsh! I'm just a boy. I'm maturing more slowly than it took to resolve the Vietnam War. The details which are available in the Kenberg's documentary called the Vietnam War. Garsh. So he says that Craig is just an interesting cat and he stopped trying to figure out Craig a long time ago. and he's just suggesting that Austin do the same because they're trying to reset where, you know, they'd have to every season where they're like, we love each other now.

And then two episodes later, they're like, I hate you. So Rodrigo's like, yeah, well, I think that Austin might have a FOMO. And he's like, oh, poor Austin. He can't make a decision for Christ sometimes, can he? Rodriguez like, no, man, that's kind of his problem. He's like, I mean, you know, what did he say? It's a winner. Remember we were at folly?

and we just gone surfing? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Shep, could you stop doing the flashback music? We'll let post-production do it for us. Okay, Gar, sorry about that. So the dad calls, and he's like, hey, I was thinking I could pull right up to the storage unit,

start looking at furniture for my new house. And the dad's like, whatever you want to do, we're ready for you, garsh. So they, so Shep is like, Look, the grass is always greener and I get that. It's just human nature. As, as, as, uh, as Isaac Asimov once wrote, the tree that grows next to the robot is stronger than the robot that's built next to the tree. Did he say that?

Not sure. But no one else is read it in this group, so I'm going to stick with it. No one could fact check me. Yeah, exactly. I recently bought this new house because. because I just wanted a house on Sullivan's Island, which is one of my favorite places in the world. It's bigger.

It's like historical. Four bedrooms, four baths. I don't even know what to put in it. And we see clips of this new house, and it's huge. It's 5,000 square feet, four bedroom, four bath, like he said, and it's $3.25 million. Yeah, it's a big one. He's like, my dad, I think, is kind of excited to get a little bit of his stuff out.

So they pull up to the family barn and his dad, a rip waits by the fence. And he's like, hi there. He's like, my parents were a big factor in me, but buying this house because my brother bought a big house with his two kids and a wife. And my sister are the same thing. So for them, they're the normal trajectory of a guy's life. I'm 10 years behind, maybe 15.

Gersh. Yeah. The dad's like, I just want to make sure you get some wooden Venetian. blinds, those had value to a house. Do you remember that? I will never forget that when the dad was like, you need to have wooden blind shepherd. You need to have them.

Very important for resale. And there were like those huge, clicky, clacky, you know, blinds. They're huge to go over the windows. And that was all the dad cared about. He's like, you need to get those blindship. It's very important. All right, dad.

We'll take it over. It's been years and that stuck with me. So, um, the chef's like, whoa, Rodrigo, get excited. Biggest swab meeting South Carolina right here, right? So they go into the storage unit and it's just all, you know, God knows where half of this furniture came from, like plantations over all over the south. I mean, I don't know. It's like a lot of, a lot of old shit. Yeah, very antique stuff.

It's all like probably like great anti, like if you're antiquing, it's probably all great stuff. But the funny thing is it's like, is this really going to be, is this chef's style? I mean, I don't know what chef's style is, but I feel like it's not necessarily. his style, but he's just happy to have items in his house. Yeah, he's just going to throw shit in there. Yeah, it'll be like banana feels. He just wants like a sectional from

IKEA and a surfboard. That's all this guy ever has in his house. He's just like, Dad, put whatever you want to in there. So they do. They start going through it. And the dad's like, well, that's nice. Those are around floor and garsh. Get those. And then there's like, of course, a big shellacked fish. Yeah.

Somebody got. And then the best part is where we see a pick we see two paintings actually of Shep as a teenager with this golf club over his shoulder just posing like and they're two side by side and they're exactly the same but they're two years you know they you know they're separate times but I just love that it's like it's it's time ship we got to get out there and get your yearly yearly picture with your golf club over your shoulder well Cindy our young man's turning into an adult man time to get the painting done we've got to get I'm gonna paint and a chef with a golf club.

Yeah. So they go through shit and Rod's like, oh my God, I'm the designer and this is basically amazing. Like everything in here is basically wonderful. I mean, it's just great? I was like, is it? This is not great. But whatever, they load up on some crap and they're done.

I feel like individual pieces, again, I feel like they're all good antiques and individual pieces are probably great. But I feel like an entire house with that, I just don't feel like matches Shep's aesthetic. It's just basically his parents. It's his parents' stuff that they just put in the barn. You know? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I guess we'll see. The house is beautiful, though. We're just, we'll see. So then we go to Daniel Island where Madison and Brett are driving to their new home on a golf cart. Let's see how much. Brett's going to talk this time.

I'm going to say 18 words. I'm feeling emotional today because I drove through this neighborhood when I first moved to Charleston. I was like, I'm going to marry Sam old rich man, and I'm going to live out here because I was like, the only way I was going to be able to do that was be if I married a rich guy, but sure enough, I married you. He's like, yeah, you didn't marry an old rich man. That's right. I got a hunky man my own money.

I'll finish the joke for you. That's okay. Or at least I had my own money before I spent it on this house. We just sold our starter home on Daniel Island, and now we're moving into our forever home, which is right around the corner. I'm Daniel Island. They mentioned Daniel Island a lot I feel like they're constantly like

I'm on Daniel Island So they arrive and they're They're realtor's like welcome in Congratulations I have a little something for you But you can't drink this right away anyway It's champagne So they say's who

Motherfucker Get that thing open Unless you got a husk of corn I don't care what you got So they go It's a nice house Beautiful kitchen Beautiful kitchen

It's very good I mean Congratulations It's humongous. Oh, my gosh. How much money is she making? This is a $3.9 million house, six bedrooms, seven bath, another 5,000 square footer. And she's like, well, it's a high price, but it's just perfect. I mean, if I got a bill to pay, I'm going to turn that kitchen into a, I'm going to turn into a kitchen beautician, and I'll make sure it's taken care of because my dreams are coming true. Look at this. Pregnant, wedding ring, house, chick, chick, chick, chick. Makes me a little nervous. When people would be able to make these proclamations on reality. TV. That's like, you know, Bravo, like, bookmarks it and we're like, okay, we're going to turn this into a black and white flashback in about five years when her life falls apart. Okay, great. Yeah. You know, they always do that. But it is actually very exciting. And now we know why she was so messy with Audrey. She's like, got to make sure this paycheck is coming in. I've got a house.

Yeah. I love pregnant Madison just coming in and causing mess and then going home to her hot husband. I know. She's like, wow, isn't it amazing? I can still make money off of fucking with Austin's life and I don't even have to fuck him. So they look and there's the fucking rooms and she's getting choked up because she's like, I want to have babies in here. They look in the primary bedroom and this room will make all these six other kids. No, I'm kidding.

We'll do it all over the place. Gitchin Island, sofa, everywhere around this house, Brett. He's like, well, I thought we were going to say the sex tapes. This is the sex tape room. She goes, well, we're going to have to leak those to pay for this shit. That's for sure. So she says, the fact

that I'm even approved for something like this after being called white trash for how many years? And then we go flashback, 2018. And Madison's like, shit, fuck him. He said that I was white trash hairstylist, 2020. Yeah, well, you're a terrible person and you're a trash cam. That was the worst. He was, Craig was so vile that reunion.

But they've always been so mean to Madison. And now, look, she's like the star. The line for Madison, Robocon, was huge. Yeah, she did win. She really did. So they go outside and she's like Life is so good. It doesn't even feel real. Yeah, this is crazy. He's like, I can only imagine what your dad would be saying if you walked in. So she starts to choke up and she's happy. Another milestone in her life. Now we go to do little's pet store in case you couldn't figure that one out. It's also the mantra for all the men on the show. Do Little. Welcome to

To do the least castor. Every man trying to get a reputation defending cat in Charleston. Please come visit our sister store. We just opened up on Daniel Island called What Job? Hey, my friend's getting a kitten for the first time. Oh, I think that there's him right there. He's the one spitting all over the window. Craig, crazy you.

Those cats are going to hate him. He's going to be giving him showers every time he talks to him. they need to get him a slobber guard that's even a thing. Do they sell slobog guards? They should for dogs that slobber just like a little tray, a little bit. A bit. So Austin is like, Rodriguez's cat had a litter

and I don't like coming home to just like an empty house. So I really want to have a couple cats excited to see me when I walk in. I was like, ugh, you're being such a fuck boy right now. Be like, oh, I'm lonely. I'm sad. I just want two little cats. I was like, ugh. And I hate that I was like, that's so sweet that he wants two cats.

But I'm a pushover when I come the cats. I can't help it everyone. I can't help it. Well, also, I don't know that he's met cats before, because I don't know that cats are the pet you get if you want something to be excited to come home. Cats are like, you're here, feed me, you fucking moron. It's like two page where are you all day. Oh, look, look his back. See what's back. Just give us her food. Actually, my friend's cat is so cute and my friends, the cat that I had growing up definitely would get excited when I'd come home. Like my cat had dog light qualities. my friend's cat has dog-like quality

and always wants to play. Like, they're definitely cats that are super social, but you just never know. You never know what you're going to get. Yeah, I think so. I think I've known a lot of cats like that. But I just mean like the basic reputation for a cat isn't like, oh my God, look who's happy to see me. Yeah, the baseline

cat is like, oh, well, I guess our solitude is broken up. Someone stupid's here. Let's go in the other room. Wow, you just walked in the door. That means you know how to use it. You want to try walking out again? Well, I guess I'll go back under the bed where sophisticated people live. Are you having dinner? Good. Time to make a poop.

Just be right here in my little house that you've inconveniently stored in the kitchen, you moron. Oh. Well, that's nice that you put a glass on the counter here. Let me just move that for you onto the floor. Bye. So he's picked out two names, and they are Piper and Martini, which I think is funny because it's like a pipe and martini, really? It's like paraphernalia. It's like paraphernalia and booze.

Piper and Martini. Like, those do not sound like names that awesome would name a cat. Piper and Piper. Piper, maybe. Piper, get over here. But martini is like, I don't know, I'm surprised. He didn't, like, name one of them something like keg. I don't know, Miller, I guess he can't name it after a competition, but like funnel or.

Polo talkers, get in here. did matthews get in here yeah so the clerk's like so you got one cat you got two cats goes oh i got two girls they're actually the background on my phone look he's like wow that's amazing never seen pets as a background on a phone before thanks for sharing that with me pop her martini their names good good fucking choice okay who let you have cats so you know what we need we need one with a bell like can we get a bell for the cat put a bell on the cat i'm like oh that's the The last thing you need is a bell on a cat.

You know how much cats move? You're just going to hear that tinkling nonstop. No bells on the cats. Cats already hate you without you forcing a bell on them. And Craig's like, well, I suggest getting this litter box because the wall has walls and, you know, they have privacy. I don't. I think anyone with a cat should be suggesting those cat boxes that clean themselves, the self-cleaning cat boxes with crystal with crystal. Crystal minkledder.

Oh, yes. I got that for my cousin and I still feel like a badass because that's a good cat gift. That is a good cat gift right there. Yeah. I mean, I think for cats, well, you definitely want to get a scratching post. Right. And then you know what they love? You know what a cat loves a pole with a little feathery thing that dangles off of it?

Ugh, that is like, that's basically like getting a MacBook Pro for a cat. Like that's they wait in line for that shit It's Well I'm making a commitment to get cats That's very daunting Look at me, I'm making a commitment America By the way There's a coffee shop next door

Why don't we just like close out here And head over there The coffee shop, okay? So they go to the coffee shop And I was like All that shopping for my cat makes me hungry Craig It's like cool Cheers the kiddies.

Thanks man Dude, I think they usually like come over and see me being a cat dad in actions. That way America can see that I'm actually like really adorable. Right, Craig? Maybe I'll come over before we go to Witt's birthday party. Who? What are you going to dress it as? It's literary times.

Come on, Craig. You know what that means, right? Books, Craig. He's like, well, I haven't thought about it. So I'm going to ask ChatGBT. So ChatGBT, BT, with everything you know about me in our relationship so far, I have to dress like a literary figure. Give me a couple of options what I should dress as.

Chat GPT is like, bloop, bloop, bloop, talk less. Bloop, bloop, bloop. Form tighter sentences. Bloop, bloop, bloop. You can be one of the rocks in Jurassic Park. That was a book. So Austin's like, so was Fraggle Rock ever a book? Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.

And of course they give him, they give Austin, Jay, Gatsby and Craig goes damn that's a compliment I was like is it have you read the book do you know that story you know that you know Jay Gatsby is like a faker you know what happens to him at the end I mean spoiler alert but is that it actually is kind of perfect that's kind of a perfect Craig I don't know costume so then also Dorian gray and Craig goes 50 shades of gray and like this is said when awesome I mean I can't But like what Austin's like, no. Dorian Gray is the guy who has a portrait and he stays young forever.

And people love him because he's not only hot, but he's got cats, okay? And he stays young as long as his portrait remains intact, okay? Is that 50 shades of crayon? I love that. I love it, Craig. Well, I'm not really a huge theme party guy, okay? He's like, oh, you're scar from having to dress up in the Hamptons. And then we see Summer House where Page and Krue.

Craig were wearing their matching costume for NASCAR. Commercials. Here comes one right now. Craig's saying he's not really, like, he doesn't really like theme parties. When he's been cosplaying as a southerner for literally 10 years on this show is hilarious. But Craig is like, well, now it's after my breakup. And I will say that I tried the lover version of myself. And now I'm back to the party version of myself.

Well, single Craig's back. Thank God, single Craig's back. It's amazing. Yeah, because, like, whether it's like Sally or Charlie, I'm having fun being able to kiss someone if I want to, guilt-free. I'm the architect of my own demise, ha-ha. So Austin's like, oh, yeah, well, who would it have been? Who would you guess, Craig? Who would he guess?

So he says, Charlie, he has chemistry with, and, well, maybe he has chemistry with Sally, too. I mean, geez, like, they were hanging out in the hot tub. And Austin's like, I have FOMO. Because like, God, do I miss being single? Yeah, I mean, okay. Yeah, maybe I do. And so Craig's like, oh, my God. Like, I would do anything not to be single right now.

I didn't want to be single, but someone made that decision for me. But Austin, God, and this half in, half out is bullshit. Look, I'm like, I'm having fun being a flirt. I was really good in a relationship. I loved it. Everything in life is give and take and saccharacter. and stuff and when it's the right person and if you're her person then it doesn't matter and it works if you're willing to put the work in it's like it's like in that romantic story the bonfire of the

vanities it's about loving someone and then they love you back right no so now we go to witness it's really it's i'm still waking up but sorry like i don't know bonfire of the bad news was the best i could do this morning is I was actually going back through my. It's a great book, by the way. Did you ever read it? Did you ever read it? Yes, I did actually.

I love that book. I love that book is so good. That's such a bad book. I haven't liked the movie. Oh, I was even fine with the movie. I liked the movie too. So then we go to Wittner's house and Vanita's there because she's the decorator for parties, guys. And she helps him set up.

They have to steam a table runner thing. So if we get to watch him do that and he uses glass plates. I mean, this guy is kind of an adult. But there's not only. He's steaming a table runner. runner and using glass plates. I mean, what the hell? And they're not only glass plates, they're trauma plates.

Because they come attached with memories. Havanaugh. So, Wittener, but before that, Wittner says, Wittner's backstory is he's like, my mom has always been big on theme parties. Anything from, you know, Cole Porter to the 50s to eras of history.

It makes for some great family photos. That's so not my picture. And we see pictures of his, yeah, we see pictures of his extremely Cole Porter type. Cold Porter party having, I mean, this looks like a family. And you know that they have some Santa music parties. They wear same pajamas around Christmas. Oh, God, you should have seen our Doris Kern's Goodwin party. Oh, that was a great holiday.

And Vanita says she has been friendly with Witt's mother for almost 10 years because she used to work at a store. and that was one of the frequent shoppers. And then she put two and two that they were family because the mom really didn't even speak about her kids at all. So she had no idea about the kids. Yes. But then it turns out that who she thought the mom was was someone else entirely because the mom takes off a mask like Mission Impossible.

Guess what I was in costume, honey? Total stranger. She's like, oh my God, it's Cole Porter. So Wittner's like, my mom is very anti-establishment. Straight up. I mean, she'd be an anarchist. if she could. And I don't know what that means, but this is a mother we need to meet.

You know what I? The mother who doesn't give a shit about her children, makes them dress like Cole Porter for her amusement, and then wants to throw, overthrow the government. I have to tell you. Where is she? I love an anarchist, Cole Porter enthusiasts. She's like, fuck rules. Fuck everything.

Okay, everyone, time for some cold porter. Seriously, where is she? So, uh, Vanie, so, you know, people are going to come over later. So, you know, they get it set up pretty much. And then we get Wittner's more of Wittner's backstory. He's like, you know, I've only used these plates once, and it was an anniversary a couple, a couple years ago. I haven't used them since, but I have licked my wound so we can use them now. I was engaged in August 2023, and she walked out two months later.

And yeah, I was with her for three years, and we lived happily for two and a half. And then I did love her, but one day it was just over. She just said she needed space and that was it. I don't know. She just said it was things I did wrong. I had no idea what I did. No idea. No idea.

No, I begged for couples therapy. She didn't do it. And then finally I came home. She'd moved out. And so we don't know what happened. Maybe she became a lesbian. A lot missing there. Yeah.

No, when a guy's like, oh, what? I mean, she just suddenly she moved out. I mean, she said it was things. I did, but I've gotten no idea what they could be. I tried everything. When she was about to leave, I haven't tried couples therapy after six months of her telling me that she didn't like a lot of the shit that I did. I have no idea. It's such a shame.

What could it have been? We had just gotten that cat. So Benita is like, well, have you tried dating since? He's like, yeah, it's a varying degrees of not successful, but I was heartbroken and probably still am to some degree. I'm injured. So the question is, I don't know, for some reason this feels sincere to me. It doesn't feel fuck boy, but this is very fuck boy to be like, oh, yeah, something. Oh, I'm just innocent in this and she just, she just walked away.

I mean, like she probably said a million times, I'm leaving you because you don't listen to my needs. I mean, I don't know what happened. She just never even said. She just never said what was wrong. He seems like a really nice guy. And in the first episode, he was talking about how, yeah, he went to law school with Craig, but they didn't really know each other because he was two years young. longer than Craig, even though he passed the bar way before Craig, and that he doesn't really

relate to these people because he actually has a job that he has to go to. So at first, I thought, okay, he's being cast as kind of the new Craig, you know, that's like the one who has to work that doesn't really fit in. And they're going to make fun of him for having a job and stuff. But it's hard not to have some cynicism because this is Southern Charm. Yes. I know what the men on Southern Charm are like. And so I just don't trust them. But yeah, he does seem pretty nice so far. I think also I'm like influenced because someone who came on to Crappia. I was like, my friend is friends with Wittner and says that he's actually a really stand-up guy.

So I'm like, guys, well, it's a fact. He's a stand-up guy. What can I say? But I am being, I think, clouded by that. But he does actually seem like he might be a stand-up guy. We'll see. Right now he's tortured. I don't know.

Right now it just needs to keep me entertained. Okay. So we go to the getting ready montage. Everybody's getting ready. Sally comes to Charlie's to get ready with her. And then Craig is getting his hair and makeup done. And he's like, yeah, this is like a single boy costume. Oh, Craig.

I'd be a pretty good wing mat for you tonight because I don't think I'll be getting the chicks wearing my costume. And he's dressed like one of the Harry Potter kids, right? Does he say which one? He's actually Hermione, I think. I think he's actually in Harry Potter drag. I think it said Hermione. He's wearing like a little skirt. believe. I could be wrong. I mean, again, when I watched this, I was a little drunk. So I, I seem to

remember that it said, I was like, Hermione, but I didn't have the energy or the effort to go back five seconds to read what it said. So I'm sure we will find out soon. But Craig is like, but when he says, yeah, I'm probably not getting the chicks wearing this. And Craig's like, the reason you're not getting jicks, Austin, is because you have a girlfriend. I mean, Greg's not wrong on that. You shouldn't be concerned about that. So, uh, Whitner is offering his dog Bacchus some mohito. And the dog's like, oh, why'd you name me that? Uh, and then, uh, Vanita, Vanita comes in and she's like, here comes the bride.

It's no longer Vanita. It's Medusa. You know, I would have liked a better costume from Vanita because she basically was dressed, just, she was dressed very prettily, pretty, like very nice. but she had like kind of like some sort of accessory that was like a little sort of little snake. Like if you're going to do Medusa, you got to do Medusa. I'm sorry, Medusa has been done on this channel before. In fact, I actually don't even think you can touch Medusa after What's Her Face did it?

What was her name? Why am I blanking on her? Heidi. No. You're out. Fallon. Remember when Fallon did Medusa? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fallon did Medusa with the snakes in her hair on Atlanta. But didn't hide. Heidi Klum just do that? Yes. She had like snakes actually moving. I just feel like when people do Medusa, they really commit to the bit. And I feel like, I feel like Vanita did not commit to the bit. I feel like there could have just been a better literary character for her to do, you know.

So everyone else comes in and, you know, drinks and stuff. And Molly comes in dressed as, I think, Gandalf. And it's funny. She's got like a full beard and everything. And so she's hot. And then Shep's like, Lonesome Dove, Captain Gus McCray. I was like, of course he dressed as that one. Of course he dressed as a sloppy, messy one.

I loved it. I was so happy that he brought a Lonesome Dove reference. Because you had like that three months of like Lonesome Dove that you were going through Lonesome Dove. And it was a lot of pages. It was just such a hilarious, like random, no pun intended chapter in your life. Like you found this book that was so big in the 80s. That was a mini series. It was like acclaimed.

It was like a whole thing. And it was so random. that you sort of like we're going through this lonesome dove phase and then the fact that shab of all people's like I'm referencing lonesome dove I was like uh it's perfect I know it's like we reading that at the same time that's hilarious but um now I'm reading great expectations and I've just um I've just discovered miss havisham she just came into the book yesterday and I'm dying that that shit is hilarious why didn't anybody tell me I don't even care about the rest of the book. I just want it all to be her. Yeah. And for those of you who haven't read it,

this is her first scene. She's wearing a wedding dress that's all old. Like she's never changed. Something happened on her wedding day. And so she's really depressed and she's never taken off this wedding dress. Okay. So it's all yellow. She's like jazz. She's like tourmic. This is like years later. And she's like super sad and like withering away and just like waiting to rot in her house. And so this kid comes in. She makes this kid come to her house. And she goes, do you see this?

And she puts her hands over his heart or over her heart. And he goes, your heart? She goes, broken. That's that superiors should have been Miss Havisham. Mrs. Havisham. Hero, my new literary hero. That's who I would have dressed as.

So, by the way, great expectations. Go ahead. Sorry. I was going to say great expectation. is a concept that is totally foreign to this TV show. So, um, uh,

Shep is, no, it's not. It's what all the women have when they come on here. And they end with lonesome dove. The ending. With bonfire of the vanities. So,

no, they end with white noise by Don Delillo. So, um, gosh, a postmodern masterpiece. Oh. Maybe it's infinite jest.

Oh, oh, God. McCray. He's a lazy, loquacious, and charismatic rake with the fondness for alcohol gambling and horrors. Oh, gosh. Does sound like you, buddy. So then Sally comes, and this is the best one. She's like, I'm kissing Kate Barlow from Holes. And Shep goes, from what? Holes. What's that? You don't know Holes the movie slash the book. It was the book first, so it counts. Holes? Holes. Holes. Holes.

Holes. I don't want to make fun of her selection. I never read holes. I never saw the movie. And obviously the name Holes. Are you coming out dread? She didn't read the book, Holes.

I'm kidding. She's just reminding the men that she's single. It's reminding, reminding everyone of options. So, yeah. They're like, who are you? She's like, a hole. Lots of holes. Okay, pick one.

Molly is like, well, some girls dressed like Sally and Vanita and some girls are Gandalf because, you know, of course, like, Sally and Vanita are like, you know, they're, you know, showing off. They're looking as beautiful. And they're like, you know, their costume is really more like, they wedge their costume into, like, looking hot. And Sally is like covered in a robe with a fake beard and a hat and a snap. And like her face is unrecognizable. And she's sweating.

And she's like, she's like melting in the corner. And Sally is like, oh, wow, Molly didn't really even see you there. She goes, you shall not pass. We don't get it. And then Vanita takes her to the side and Sally's like, yeah, that was really weird. She's like, yeah, I could feel the tension. Oh, really? You had tension with Gandalf?

Stop it. Well, one doesn't just simply walk into this party. So that was a Lord of the Rings reference, guys. Molly is like, she's sweating in the corner, which is hilarious. It reminds me the story. My friend from high school. she sometimes doesn't like always get things and she told a story about how she once was invited to like an adult Halloween cost like adult Halloween party not like sexy times but you know like when it's like adult Halloween people sort of like costumes have a different look you know they usually are like sexy this sexy that or they're just kind of they have like a certain vibe and she went dressed as an Eminem she went to this part like a fancy Halloween party dresses like a kid's costume in an Eminem and it's like a kid's costume and an Eminem and it's like a kid's like a kid's costume and an Eminem and it's like a like you imagine you're the M&M and everyone's wearing kind of like you know sexy costumes and

yeah they're like wearing a tuxedo and a masquerade or mask she's an M&M that's reminds me that's what this is mollie as the as Gandalf yeah so sally's like oh my god I'm so bad with being fake I just can't yeah oh my god I just can't look someone in the face if they've been talking shit about me So then Austin does show up as Hermione, which I love that for him. I didn't know that he was Hermione. She's my favorite. Yeah. Or as I used to call her, Hermione.

Hermione. Because before the movies came out, I didn't know how to pronounce the names. Yeah, I just called her. I still don't know how to pronounce it, to be honest. I'm like Hermione, I think. Hermione, I think. Hermann out hormones? Harmones.

Harmones Granger. Also, 10 boys for Gryffindor. So Craig. Craig, meanwhile, he's dressed at. as what's his face from Hook? Rufio. How dare you not know who I am? I'm Rufio.

Oh my God. Okay, so Craig comes dressed as Rufio. He was wearing his big blow-dried hair, which he wore at the BravoCon. It's like, where did he come up with that hair? And I guess it was so successful on Rufio night that he just wore it to Bravo Con too. But he's got all this mascara on his face,

all this eyeliner and mascara that looks like it's melting off, you know? And he is so proud of this. And he's another Sally who's like, It's from hook. That was a buck. You know, like dumbass. And as he goes to each person and no one knows who he is, you see him just start to crumble. Yeah.

And it just, this is all it takes. Like every person who's like, who? He's like, come on, man. It's from a hook. Nobody gets it. And by the end of this episode, he's just furious. And I think it's because his costume has been denied. Yeah, I think.

Well, first of all, he looks like he's in Mad Max. That's his first problem. Because what I saw the previews, I thought it was. a post-apocalyptic party when I saw Craig. I was like, oh, they're doing a Mad Max party. But then I saw awesome dressed as Harry Potter. I was like, oh, maybe they're doing movie party. I was like, I don't know.

I don't get it. I'll see what happens. But this was not what I thought. Also, like, far cry from the Jay Gatsby and Dorian Gray suggestions from chat GPT, I'd have to say. Yeah. So he's like, I'm the leader of the lost boys. And like, oh, that's nice. I'm whole.

I represent holes. I'm lost, and you're a hole. Briefio looking for holes. I don't know. And so they kind of flirt a little bit, but awkwardly. And she says, Sally's like, oh, Craig asked me if he could play with my gun. He thought I met in a sexual way.

So then Craig's like, I mean, my hair was better before the wind got it. So people keep mingling. Your hair. Um, Rodriguez wears a shirt that says, I'm Don Quixote. And then Madison arrives dressed like a little man. And no one really understands who she is. She's like, hey, Chip, you know who I am? He's like, no, tell me about yourself.

I'm Shepherd Rose. Oh, and she holds up his book. And he's like, oh, my God, you nailed it. Shorts and a blazer. I might explore that in the near future. And she looked like the Danish judge from, from British makeup. What was her name? him again. Remember the Danish judge

that was on that show? Oh yeah. I forgot her name. That's funny. She totally looked like her. So she's like, I did it better than you though. Okay, but I did get you a gift, Wittner. And he's like, you did? She goes, yeah, I got you your own shark tooth necklace. Gosh. Well, I mean, you nailed it. I think shorts and the blazer is a thing I might explore in the near future. That might be a wonderful decision for this

Lonesome Dove All the bitches get shark teeth And then we see a clip of Shep giving Sienna that And it's still being embarrassingly hilarious So now they go outside And Craig's like

Oh hey Austin So Shep is like Look she dresses me everybody Holding up his book And Craig's like is that the best thing That's ever happened to you Madison You're a way too well dressed to be chef

And Rodrigo's like, the only thing she's missing is a 21-year-old girl on her arm. But other than that, chef's kiss. So then Charlie arrives and she's dressed as Daisy Buchanan. So, oh, she really, she probably asked Chat-Cap, GPT, what would Craig come dressed as? She's like, okay, I'll be, I'll be Daisy. But alas, she's the only one. I know. I like that Chat-G-T even knows that they're going to be together.

Because JetGBT told him just dress like a couple. They just didn't listen. They all are like, oh my God, you look amazing. Who's Daisy Buchanan again? And try to say, I'm Daisy Buchanan from the Great Gatsby. What are you? You ever see Hook? It was a movie that was like not well received.

And I'm a character in it. And I think it was based on a book. You know. Yeah, I'm the leader of the lost boys. And she said, uh-huh. So anyway, hi. Everybody. And you just see him crumble inside. He's like, oh, I could have been the Gatsby loser. And instead I chose this. Well, also, was Hook actually based, like, was Rufiel a character in Peter Pan? Because if not, then Craig is not following the rules of the party. Was Rufio a character from Hook? Is Hook not a book? I don't know. Maybe it was a book. Obviously, I'm on the Wikipedia. I don't think it is a book. I mean, Peter Pan obviously is a book. But I don't think so.

I think I don't know. It's Craig. I mean, yes, this is great. It's like very important for me to find out whether or not Craig violated the rules of this party. Yeah. I mean, it's a literary party. What do you expect?

It's Craig. So, um, Austin whisper is like, oh my God, he's trying so hard. And Craig's little, you know, Craig can hear it because he knows Austin's in the room. So he's talking shit about him. And he's like, roof you. I can tell Austin's talking about me. I clock more than he realizes. I'm not dumb.

Was that a reference to the alligator or no? Peter Pan jokes. So Craig is like, Austin, let's do a shot. And I can make you one. Holes. And Craig's like, okay, you want to do one with us. They're all getting together to do a shot, you know, which is always like the, which means fights about to come.

So they do the shots and everything. And Craig, by the way, the shot is, they go, Austin says, what is this a shot of? And Craig goes, this is all we have. He just pours whatever is in the shaker into three little glasses. He doesn't even make a shot. Yeah. Definitely off the wagon now. So Craig is like, you know, a shot is just a mini drink.

I mean, talk about a literary party. I mean, the word smith here. So Austin's like, yeah, I've been doing shots the past three years. I know. I know what a shot is, Craig is insane right now. And Rodriguez, um, Austin. really likes to make little digs at Craig. And like, I think it's because he gets FOMO.

So Craig, so they do this shot. It takes a while for them to do it, but they do the shot. And so Sally is like, that didn't even tie us like anything. And Craig's like, Sally is never happy with her a shot. Yeah, because it's always in your hot tub, Craig. Austin is so jealous. That's insane right now. I'm not jealous at all, Craig.

Yeah, did you hear him? You're so jealous. You're locked up in your house. You and your kittens. Craig, you've been locked up for five years, and all of a sudden he emerges and he's fucking having fun. Am I right? God.

Yeah, you know what? I don't even know why it bothers you. Just be yourself, man. Like, why can't you just be yourself? You're so jealous. What? I am, okay. All right, guess what?

I am being myself. I'm having late nights at my house, partying with everyone. It's been a blast. And for you to hate on fun, that's silly. It's insane. right now. Oh, wait a second.

No, that was my line. That's what you should be sold. Because if you had said that... You're supposed to say, you're supposed to say, whoa, Craig is a merge. You started it. Craig, I'm not mad, dude. You're insane. You're the one that's bitter.

You don't know yourself. Oh, yeah. Shall I switch it around and you and pull a Craig Conover special? Why are you so unhappy? He's like, oh, really? You're the one not happy. You're the only person who you're unhappy because you're living a lie. You're stuck in a relationship and you're not happy. Oh, okay, Greg, you don't know anything. I got cats now, okay? And everybody's like, oh, what? And the new girl's like, oh my God. So Craig's like,

you told me you were jealous that I was single. So no, I did not ever say that. I did. I never say that. No, I would never say that. I'm not jealous of anything you got. going on. I promise you very much. You said it right after J.A.T. said that Patricia was a bitch. I remember it exactly. I mean, he did kind of say that. And Craig's like,

okay, Austin, happy people don't tear people down. You're not happy. Craig, you're the one. Craig, the master of tearing down. Like, Craig tears down too. I was like, and here you are, tearing people down. I didn't start it.

Oh, yeah. Well, here you go, walking away. Whatever, my What? Is this what, is this, Austin's new thing? It's a startup by saying, and here you go, walking away. And here you go. Tearing people down and seen right now. Yeah. Wow, Craig really flew off the handle quick there. I think it's like, or e, or e. Oh, what happened? What happened, Craig? Sad, sad when a storyteller loses his school. Yeah. So, they find. He says, Austin's, says he's a dick and he calls him a fucking loser and it's the end wow austin and craig are going at it

for no reason i mean at least they know though they're like it's episode three nothing's happened let's fight yeah let's just fight about something who cares i'll criticize you for having cats now yeah okay let's that's that's enough for us to go on let's just do that yep well everyone that was fun thanks everyone for being here thank you for the birthday love thank you ronnie and um we love you love you happy birthday buddy thank you to many more on channel four That's right. And then the next birthday present comes later tonight with the return of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. So we'll be back tomorrow with a full recap of that show, which I'm sure will be very exciting. So thanks everyone for being here.

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