Watch What Crappens - #311: Jesus Did This

Episode Date: July 19, 2016

Timestamps below! Jesus went to a gas station this week to get Ryan’s ex to Vicki’s house to remind RHONJ’s Joe Giudice that he wasn’t resurrected on Christmas. Also, Mike has some shoe dramz on Shahs. Have fun! Timestamps: 0 Crappens Mailbag 24:15 RHOC 1:13:30 RHONJ 1:49:20 Shahs of Sunset Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crappins would like to thank its premium subscribers, Nicole Chickering and Christy Doherty. We love you girls. What happens when there's so much that happens? It's a watch what crappens. It's a watch what crappens.

It's what happens when there's so much that happens. Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on ye old broths. I'm Ronnie Karam from the Rose Pricks podcast and the Big Brother Smother podcast on Trash Talk TV. And here I am with my lovely partner, my lovely internet life partner, Ben Mandelker of the B-Side blog and the Banter Blender. Hi, Bean.

Hi, how are you? So good, Ben. I'm so glad to hear it, Ronnie. I'm having that afterglow of laughing really hard with you glow. Because we just did our bonus episode and laughed our butts off. We talked about Taylor Swift and the Republican Convention and Food Network star. Yeah, we got lightly political. And I'm sorry.

I was making some extreme points. And so I apologize in advance if I alienate our listeners. I was just trying to vent. I feel like that was not – I mean, really considering the talk lately, the rhetoric, if you will, in the news and stuff. I don't think it was that bad. I just don't want our listeners to feel alienated. That's all. Oh, don't feel alienated.

One good thing about this show is if you have something bad to say, come sit by me. I'm still Magnolias. Girl, I don't care what side you want. Just be funny about it and we're good. Okay, cool. Well, I can't guarantee I was funny about it, but I at least took a side.

I left. Everybody, if you want that bonus episode, go to patreon.com slash watch what crap ends. That is where you can get all our bonus episodes and bonus ringtones and all that sort of fun stuff. The Google Hangout's coming up. When has that been? I think it would have to be next Thursday because it's going to be the end of the month.

Holler! So a week from this Thursday will be that. That's a big old party where we just let our butts off. Thursday the 28th. Yes, good times. So anyway, patreon.com slash watch what crap happens. A couple of people have asked how that works. Basically, you're not paying for bonus episodes.

It's kind of like a donation thing. So you give us money, and then each level you get different things. That's how it works. It is an app if you want it, but just go sign up. You'll love it. The bonus episodes have become their own little world they have just think of it like pbs or npr but not as highfalutin but the same thing which is like you know the like those pbs npr are supported by listeners like you and so um and when you do that you get when you support npr or pbs you usually get

something like a tote bag well what we give you is a bonus episode oh goodness and ringtones like that that actually sounded like one of our ringtones if you say so siri just got siri just decided to listen in i don't know why i think it's because there's like a trigger word that i must have said and siri thinks i said you and so when you do that, you get when you support NPR. Oh, my God. And Siri said, if you say so. Siri just schooled you. Shut up, Siri.

It's like when I say, I love you, Siri. She's like, I respect you. What the fuck? She's like, what are you, the Bachelorette? You can't say it or you'll have to marry me? Shut up, Siri. Hey, Siri, shut up. Yeah.

She'll be like, thank you. I hate Siri. I hate that Siri is so much better than me and she knows it and she doesn't even care and won't fight with me. Yeah. So I think the new thing with iPhones is that if you say, hey Siri, she listens. Oh, except now she's not. Now she's like, no, you told me to shut up, so I'm not going to respond. Did you say seriously?

Because sometimes that sounds like Siri. I must have said something that sounds like, hey Siri. Hey Siri. Hey Siri. Hey everybody. said something that sounds like, hey, Siri. Hey, Siri. Hey, Siri. I have a question. So that's Patreon. Okay. Then go to WatchWhatCrapHands.com for all our links, our Twitters, et cetera. And go over to Facebook.com to talk slash WatchWhatCrapHands to talk to other listeners and stuff throughout the week.

We have live show threads. And they are hilarious. People who comment show threads, and they are hilarious. People who comment on there, thank you so much. Those are really fun to read and steal jokes from. So go on over there. And that's it, Ben. What do you want to talk about today? Oh, I want to talk about so many things.

We have to talk about Real Houses of New Jersey. We have to talk about Real Houses of Orange County. We have to talk about a very stressful Shazza sunset. We have to talk about Real Housewives of Orange County. We have to talk about a very stressful Shaza sunset. But before we do any of that, we got to open up the old crappins mail bagger. Do we? What's a L bag? Well, since you asked.

We had a big bag last week, so we're just going to go back into it and get to the questions we didn't get around to, starting with Mick Rezendez, or Rezende, as I like to call him. Mick says, as I like to call them. Mick says, I've always fantasized about Bravo developing a Real Housewives All-Stars where the best of the best of all franchises move to an exotic location in a fabulous house.

Often I've heard both of you entertain this idea, but I've come up with a new idea. I call it Real Housewives Redemption. This series consists of ladies who never really got off the ground. Oh my God, Siri is listening. What is wrong with Siri right now? Jesus.

She's like, I agree. What a fantastic idea. Siri wants to be part of the podcast. Okay, so Real Housewives Redemption. This series, oh, that's why it's happening. Because I'm saying series. This series consists of ladies who... Siri, stop it.

Siri is trying to get in on this. Siri, seriously, Siri. Seriously, Siri. Every time you hear the beep, it's Siri trying to get involved with the crap that's now back. Okay. This series consists of ladies

who never really got off the ground in their cities and maybe only had one season or didn't ever move beyond friend up. Who would you guys cast to have another chance at being a real housewife and where would you have them live thankfully this question isn't from 2014 this time and if

you could only see the paragraph that siri just wrote for herself what'd she say this year consists of ladies who never really got off the oh no it's gone she deleted it herself she's like i will publicize my own things. Thank you very much. She wants in on the mailbag. I'm sorry, but you have not donated, Siri, so you can't be involved. I just paid for my third iPhone screen, you bitch. Now's not the time to ask me for anything, lady. Okay.

So, never got off the ground. So, Redemption Island for Real Housewives. Don't they call it like Food Network Star Redemption? Because that would be amazing if they could come back, but then they have to cook terrible meals from Food Network Star. Well, I mean, that is Anna. She was on for one season of Housewives, and she was on Food Network Star. So she could have redemption, redemption. It's like literally I'm being redemptioned.

Literally, like I get it now. It's, oh my God, it's so she can have redemption redemption it's like literally i'm being redemptions literally like i get it now it's oh my god it's so easy to be redemption i would pick carlton because i love the b holocaust stuff i just think that's whatever her thing was she's like i can't believe you're, I can't believe you're so racist. Oh, damn it, damn it. I can't get them now. I can't believe you would say that about me. That you would say that I'm racist. It's hard. We've done Irish today.

We've done Australian. It's hard doing a million bad accents in one day. We're not Meryl Streep, okay? It's hard to pivot. Okay. Who would you have? Carlton's a good one.

You know, I always liked Lydia, although I'm not sure she'd be good on a Redemption Island situation. Definitely not. I feel like there's someone who is really good. We're like, why would not? not okay i feel like there's someone who was really good at we're like why i would not well maybe um maybe that crazy lady from orange county who was on who had the thing with jim bolino an issue jim bolino vicky tan i'm sorry peggy tannis oh peggy yeah she would be fine yeah or maybe um i want the late i want the vajazzle lady back i I'm the only person who misses her. Steve Buckshot? Yeah, I really liked it. She was like, ugh, these women are stupid.

Like, they're crazy. I would, you know what? How about, why don't we get Quinn from season three of Real Housewives, the cougar, who would put on wigs and take on a different persona and had like a strange religious relationship with a golf pro. I'm actually, for anybody coming back from orange county like i was really sad when what's her buns didn't come on um multiple lori i was really upset i think that um the lady who's a porn star's mother would be really good oh yeah well is this for who never really got off the ground i feel like had once maybe only had one season it didn't move beyond friend of oh there's also a bunch of Friends of.

But Lynn had a few seasons. I think Lynn had, did she have two seasons or three seasons? I don't know. Lynn got off the ground, but she fell back on the ground, and she's just crawling on the ground now. It's so sad. Nothing's working out. Her life gets sadder every time we see her.

Remember last year when she came on, and they were like, oh, welcome back, Lynn. And then she was trying to sell purses while she she was at dinner i was like oh you're so embarrassing i think there's an obvious answer to this one who is this one is probably my favorite one hit wonder uh that has to be claudia jordan who definitely should have been on more than one season and they got rid of her ass but cla Claudia Jordan should definitely be on Real Housewives Redemption Island. Yeah, I'll co-sign that because Claudia Jordan was the first person

to really tell Nini F you and she did it in a homeless shelter or something. So it was like brilliant. It was beautiful. Does Kat from DC count? Because she was on for one season, but the show was canceled after that.

Kat, I would choose anything because one time I tweeted a link at her, and she was like, stop tweeting me these god-awful, terrible links. And I was like, you're a bitch, and I love you. You're now even more of a hero than you were before, I think. Yeah, exactly. There's got to be some friends of. Obviously Dana, Dana Wilkie. Oh my god

from jail i mean if they could do all this stuff why hasn't dana been on uh watch what crap and why hasn't she had her own special about going to jail yeah seriously did she actually go yet we don't know because bravo doesn't tell us shit thanks a lot anything i feel like there are a bunch of good friends of that were there and then just kind of went away. And I'm having a hard time remembering them. I guess that's why they're just friends of because you can never really remember them. I will say New York City is probably the franchise that has the least amount of friends of, right? They have so much drama on their own that they don't really need to rely on friends of. There was that one like publicist for Aviva, I think, who was there for two episodes and then was gone.

Yeah. Anybody with Aviva, I'm down. Yeah, well, I'm sure on Beverly Hills there have been some friends of. Maybe Cedric. Cedric would be... Cedric, I would never be able to vote for Cedric to come back because I know it would make him too happy. And I can't with him. I don't like him.

That is true. What about New Jersey jersey and well i mean kim d pale kim d and kim g they both deserve a spot in redemption island yes well kim d and kim g should just have their own show they should have that like gail and oprah type show where they you know go through the country in a car and kim d would be like she didn't know how to put gas in the car she's like um uh well there could be like this there could be a spin-off of real housewives redemption island it could be called like posh boutique redemption island and that could be kim d and kim g all the irredeemable dresses we've seen over the years um i feel like i don't know i think that's probably good enough i i feel like

there's a really good one out there that we're missing but i think we did a pretty good job yeah maybe it'll be one of those things where you wake up at the middle of the night and we're like damn it i forgot her yeah we'll be we'll be like amber from the last season of new jersey no oh no no way i mean maybe the the tenors who were like still in the basement somewhere. Yeah, maybe them. I mean, maybe an argument could be made for Kim Fields. I mean, I sort of liked Kim Fields in her bitchy, passive-aggressive way. Well, I certainly like that she became so bitchy at the end.

And she's like, play the tape. Play the tape. Yeah. That's the kim feels that could come back for sure what about good old katherine han she's already done you know i liked her and in the end in the beginning i thought she was an asshole and then in the end i actually grew to really like her yeah me too but she didn't bring it alas the credits have rolled what about yoice yoice um no because yoice is too she'd still be like well don't say that about lisa vanderpump like she's too up lisa's ass still even though i love lisa but i'd like to see non-kiss ass people win but she was pretty good about going after brandy so she was and she also did invent her own kind of beauty contest like miss america of the world universes yeah so she'll always have my respect but not necessarily my follows so here's one from deliza d oh this is fun because we can educate people on the history

of watcher crappins deliza d says i loved hearing a little about the origins of the podcast last week with Ben and Matt. I was curious about how Ronnie got into the mix and how you guys met. And if you have time, and it's not too weird, your impressions of the housewives are hilarious. Have you tried doing impressions of one another? Oh, God. I can answer that. I've never tried to do a Ronnie impersonation. I don't even know if I could.

I don't do a Ben impersonation. Don't do it. No, no. Yours would just be like, insert random, like, get out of here. Mine? Yeah. Yeah, that's me. Like, shut up.

Get out of here. Shut up. Basically, you could just do Joe Giudice with a different accent, and that would basically be me. Yeah. So how did Ronnie get in the mix? So for those of you who don't know, back in 2004, my friend Joe and I, we started up TVgasm.com, which was a TV blog. And it was a big deal at the time because that was when blogs were starting to blow up like gawker tmz and we were the like we were pretty much the first tv recap blog that was out there i mean television

without pity existed but they were reformed so this was the first recap uh blog uh and it was it was somewhere between entertainment weekly and and Without Pity and so we found an audience really quickly and it just blew up and we started in 2004. By 2006, we were bought out by Buda Murray and then we were Joe and I were blogging full time

and some of our friends including SGUB Steve and Dearly Departed Ed Hill dearly departed Ed Hill. We love Ed Hill. Rest in peace. We had a little army. We had Catherine Spires and some others.

And when we got bought out, there was a mandate to really grow our writers. And so we had, I think we had a competition. Not competition. We had a call for submissions, right? And I think that's when you, I think you submitted, Ronnie, right? Yeah, you had a contest and I entered the Top Chef contest and I won a recapping position. And so I became a recapper on there, like in your last year there. And then when you left, because Ben only had to stay for a year in his contract, so that year was over.

And he was like, bah! And they didn't really know what to do because Buna Murray is a big company. They've got other shit going on. So I basically went in and was like, give it to me. And Saul, our friend Saul, made you laugh on there for a long time, helped me. And I went in there and took it over, ran it right into the ground. But while I was doing that, I recapped a zillion pages worth of shows, which I still do at Trash Talk TV, and became friends with Ben and Joe. And then Ben called me to guest on his Housewives podcast.

Yep. And so what happened was Ron and I, we became friends during that last year. We became friends during that last year. And when I got this opportunity to host this fledgling web series called Housewife Hoedown, I was the host. I needed to have guests. So Ronnie, of course, as we all know, is super funny. So I was like, oh, Ronnie, you have to come on the show. And then Matt, I had recently met Matt maybe a few months prior to Housewife Hoedown.

And he was very smart, worked at Yahoo. And I liked his voice also as a guest for House of Hodown. And so some days I would have Ronnie on, sometimes I'd have Matt on. And then there were some days I was like, at one point I was like, why don't I just have both of them on? So I might have both of you guys on to the show. And the three of us had a really fun, great time. And then when the network for these web series went under, we decided to just bring back like Housewife Hoedown, but about Bravo instead of just Housewives,

just about Bravo in general. It was something Matt Whitfield and I stayed up till 7 in the morning watching the Australian Open. I don't remember if we talked about this on the podcast two weeks ago or not. But we went and we were both up. There was this crazy finals for the Australian Open that went like nine hours. And we both had stayed up till 7 in the morning. And we were tweeting at each other, like, let's get bagels it's seven in the morning we just were this is crazy and we got

bagels like we we should do this as a like we should get the gang back together it's a podcast so watcher crappins was born the three of us recorded an episode it was an absolutely hilarious wonderful episode for our first episode and then there was a computer error, and the entire episode was lost. And so then our first episode, Matt couldn't be there. It was you and me, Ronnie, and the rest is history. Yeah, there you go. We just keep yapping. We just yapping, yapping, yapping.

So that was an extended history of us. Yap until the end of time, y'alls. Y'alls. Okay, Oliver Haskins asks, Comedy is the new vagina waxing, as evidenced by Reza, Nene, and now Kristen, Horseface No. 1. All beginning stand-up careers. I hope Kristen does song parodies and Nene does political

humor. Back to my question. Marry, Fuck, Kill, Comedy Edition. Reza, Nene, Horseface. One of them, you can skip their show. One of them, you see their best set ever, and one of them you can skip their show one of them you see their best set ever and one of them you have to follow their comedy tour around for a month who do you choose wow well i would follow reza's comedy around for a month because you know that there's the most penises trying to get on tv so that would at least give me something to do instead of listening to his stupid jokes. Who would you then just watch their best set ever?

Meanie. Mm-hmm. And then what's the other one? Skip their show. Horseface? Oh, I don't know. Maybe I should skip Reza's show and travel with Horseface because she also has hot gay guys around her. Oh, I don't know. Maybe I should skip Reza's show and travel with Horseface because she also has hot gay guys around her. Oh, I don't know.

I don't want to skip any of their shows. What am I, rude? Okay, I guess Horseface. I guess Horseface. I feel like I would definitely skip Reza's show for sure. I would follow Nini because I think she's the funniest of those three. And I would like to see Kristen's best ever set because as we all know, she's been killing the game.

So it's got to be a good set. Because Kristen does a lot of improv too, which would be hilarious. Kill the game. Oh, my suggestion is Apple. Okay. When Tomay ate an apple, pussy. I'd be like, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Kill the game. Alright, seriously? Seriously, this is gonna be my best set ever. So, like, the other day I was driving, and then the traffic light was, like, green. But then it was, like, yellow, and then it was red. I'm like, seriously? Seriously? Choose a color light.

Seriously, make up your mind. I know it's really hard red when you're, against models like green and yellow, but like, whoa. Like, stop. That's why you're called stop, okay? People see your face and they're like, stop. You know, other cars just don't have as many pretty people on them, so I'm sorry, stop light. But that's just the way it is. Seriously?

Seriously. Oh, my God. Like, the electricity's down and now that light is just flashing it's like james put your penis away stoplight gross seriously what sort of stoplight doesn't have a consistent light seriously i did not give the yellow light a hand job while you were sleeping okay i don't know who told you that okay i did i totally did. I'm sorry. Seriously, Stoplight? I just miss us. Like, that's all. When are you going to admit that you lied about being green earlier?

Please, Red Stoplight. Seriously? Seriously. That is some silliness. Alright, that's the end of our bag. We have one last question in the bag, so let's just ask it. Do it. And then the bag has been fully emptied. Kate Barilla says, or maybe it's Kate Barilla,

I would imagine Ray, Luann's former lover from New York City, is devastated to hear about her engagement to Tom D'Agostino. Fast forward to December 31st, 2016, the night of Luann and Tom's wedding. The minister says, Should anyone know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, December 31st, 2016. The night of Lou and Tom's wedding. The minister says, should anyone know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Ray bursts into the room and says, dot, dot, dot, parentheses, do your best impersonation of Ray protesting the marriage of Tom and Lou. How could you, bitch? Bitch, I love you. Did you get my phone call?

Like, how could you do this to me? I'm never putting it in a bag again. I'm bringing my own bags to D'Agostino bitch. D'Agostino who bitch? Shut up. How did you know I love D'Agostino? Shut up you bitch. Tell me.

Oh my god you bitch. I can't believe how much we both love D'Agostino's. You bitch. Oh you're gonna marry me? I love you too bitch. Oh wait you said dag.astinos you bitch oh you're gonna marry me i love you too bitch oh wait you said dag i misunderstood you bitch oh my god i love weddings too i'm like trembling in my boots bitch over your wedding like this is so fabulous bitch who told you to have a wedding bitch who told you no shut up shut up who told up. Who told me? Hey, can I please, um, like, guide your wedding? I want to be like one of those, like, preacher guys, bitch.

I'm going to be like, do you take this man? Do you take this woman? Ugh, you're rude. You're rude. Hey, Tom D'Agostino, you're trash. Trash. You're just trash. I declare you man and rude.

You're just a rude trash. You're just trash that's rude like shut up bitch where'd you find such rude trash i love it no peasants allowed bitch abiza who how has that guy not been brought back yet oh yeah he's redemption island winner number that that was the one we're like we know there's someone we know there's someone it's ray ray ray just finger banging people taking them to ibiza and then thinking he owns them for life get out of here ray ray and uh allison dubois allison dubois ray and allison dubois those are the ones we're missing got it oh my god with dana and carlton now that's a show v1, get the fuck out of bed. It's past noon.

That's perfection. You're still there. I am. I figured you were pausing the recording like you normally like to do. Oh, no. I decided that was too much work. So now I'm just writing down times again well look at you for anyone who wants to know that's an inside baseball about our production process um okay which show do you want to do first

today beans you know what ronnie you get to choose oh my god bitch well let's do oh my god what notes are open what notes do I auto have open right shut up you bitch your notes are trash right now I have real housewives of OC bitch sure let's do it so real

not a great episode there's a scary living doll Not a great episode, I'd like to say. There's a scary living doll trying to strangle me every time that thing comes on. It's Annabelle. Isn't that the doll from The Conjuring? I don't know. I'm too scared. No, but I mean, yes, probably.

But that could also be Annabelle from Ladies of London. Just like... Alexander! Alexander! Alexander! Mom, there's an Annabelle under my bed. Alexander! Don't you want to apologize to me? It's like this monster who's just insisting on an apology. I know.

It's haunting me monster who's just insisting on an apology. I know. It's haunting me. Haunting me. Did you see somewhere that they're selling a jacket made out of Alexander's skin? Where did I see that? Silence of the Lambs. Gross. Silence of the Lambs magazine. Ray.

Put it on the lotion, bitch. It puts the lotion on the bitch, you bitch. Wait. Who told you I love a skin coat who who where did you get that skin dress luann i love it i'm trembling in my skin boots bitch did you get my text about your skin dress bitch like oh ray rude hey clarice who told you I love Clarice you bitch by the way that guy Buffalo Bill in that movie speaks kind of like

Ray he kind of does Clarice darling more like Clarice darling bitch who eats fava beans ew you bitch shut up where'd you get them those fava beans look great as a necklace fava beans who bitch quit bro grow bitch

shut up your turn shut up you bitch now you tell me who you've killed bitch what do the lambs sound like bitch shut up bitch what the lambs sound like a night bitch the lambs screaming bitch oh my god i'm trembling from those lambs in my face. I love you. Literally, I'm obsessed with your lambs, bitch. Who are you to tell me that lambs are screaming? Okay? Okay. Pro quote.

Okay, whoa, whoa, Clarice, this is crazy. This reminds me of this one time when I was young. I went to a restaurant and I said, I'll have the beef. And they served me lamb. And I cried. And to this day, I can never have lamb. That's crazy, Clarice. How she laughs. I still can't get Ramona's laugh.

It's the Hannibal Lecter thing. I can totally see Ramona in one of those. That's a great jacket. Okay, so Real Housewives of Orange County. Sorry. Speaking of faces that have been hacked off and pasted on in weird ways. Real Housewives of Orange County. Sorry. Speaking of faces that have been hacked off and pasted on in weird ways. Real Housewives of Orange County. Kelly's after party.

She's like, I really like a backyard barbecue and my backyard is the beach. I'm like, that is a public beach. I think she meant to say my backyard are these bitches because that makes much more sense. My backyard is the beach. I'm like, there's literally a public trash can right behind you could you make more of an effort uh yes so she's having the beach party and we're back at the beach party and uh the women are now coming into the house which gives us the moment that we've been all waiting for shannon getting jealous over the chandeliers oh all and all the chandeliers how

cool is that there are three of them david david so anybody who's wondering why shannon has natural hatred for this girl there it is hanging right there three chandeliers i mean nothing drives shannon more nothing drives her more insane than um jealousy yeah she's still mad that. even released a song called Chandelier. David, David. Why don't you let that singer make a song about chandeliers? Swings from a chandelier one time in my house, Missy, I dare you. Do I want to swing from the chandeliers?

No. No. There's a reason that girl C.I. is always facing a wall. Her mother probably made her after she swung from a chandelier. Who does that? And three chandeliers, no less. Turn back around, Sia. I want to see her face. There's a reason why you're called Sia. It's in Sia later, Sia.

David, stop looking at Sia. David. David. David. Every time I hear Sia, I get 30 to 40 negative thoughts. It's very unproductive. Here lies Shambador, killed by Sia's music about chandeliers.

My daughter's old enough to drive and wanted a Kia. I almost threw up on myself. Every time I hear anything that reminds me of Sia, I will just go crawl into my tomb. Shannon's like, oh, your house is so beautiful. My kids can't come here. It's so modern. I live in a grandma house. I don't understand this house.

There are no touches of French Chateau. She's like, don't worry about it. I have a grandma in my house. She's like, hey, what, mom? No one can understand you. I'm in North Dakota. You know what i like about kelly's grandma it's like our first and inevitable muppet crossover to the real housewives you know like you can just you you at this point we can pretty much just see the little poles moving her hands even in a later scene when

the daughter's trying to get help with homework the the grandma still doesn't talk. She's like, what's the capital of Ohio? And she's like, no, grandma, it's not Mexico. The grandma just laughs silently. It's like, can you talk? Your teeth loose? What's happening with this lady? You know, she sort of looks like a tan Grover with a blonde wig.

Grover. That's actually a compliment Grover with a blonde wig. Grover. That's actually a compliment. It's a compliment. She's like retirement home Grover. If you really look at her, she's very Muppety. She's very Muppety. I like how, so they're all inside and Kelly's like, sometimes I pinch myself and ask, how did I end up here? I'm like, well, it started with some knee pads and an open mouth.

No kidding. You've got a really strong suction ability. Same reason the iPhone stays on the windshield. Suction, bitch. Bitch. I just can't believe it. Like, wow, I'm just a girl from Arizona. It's like, uh.

She makes Arizona sound like just this trash heap of humanity. Well, yeah, I'm waiting. I'm waiting for you to argue with me. Yeah. No, I'm,

I'm, I'm with her. Just kidding. Arizona. Love your malls. Uh, um, the best moment in probably the whole episode was Shannon and Vicky winding up at the bar together and just first trying not to make eye contact and then staring at each other and then vicky deciding she would just hug shannon

and shannon it was a very danielle staub uh versus jacqueline that was so funny because tamra walks i mean not tamra uh shannon walks right up to vicky who's waiting for god knows what to drink bloody piggy vodka whatever she's just like standing there and then shannon walks right up to Vicky, who's waiting for God knows what to drink. Bloody piggy vodka, whatever. She's just standing there, and then Shannon walks right next to her and is like, staring away. I believe Vicky was ordering a I-just-want-my-friends-back teeny.

Could you please pour me and I'm sorry that you're mad, but it wasn't my fault, on the rocks? That would be great. I'm sorry that you're mad, but it wasn't my fault on the rocks, that would be great. I'm sad. And I'm sad, spritzer. I don't have any napkins here. Could you hand me a

It's not gonna work, Vicky. It's not gonna work. Coincidence, I just got another bunco, so. There you go so David on the rocks I'll have a wandering eye on the beach

I'll have a 30 to 40 negative thoughts straight up I'll have a sex with anybody on the beach except my wife on the rocks I'll have a David with anybody on the beach except my wife. On the rocks. Thanks. I'll have a David. David. Shaken, because he always leaves me shaken.

I'll have an over it. Totally over it. My over it. Not over it. Well, mostly. On the rocks. I'll have a, does this have sugar in it? Why are we at this gastropub anyway?

Gimlet. So they're hugging, and Vicky's like, okay, you know, we can talk later, but you know, for now, let's hug. I love, you know, whatever. Hugs, hugs. And Shannon's like, mm-hmm. Here lies the relationship of Vicky and Tamara. Stabbed to death by an awful woman who stood up for a fake cancer maker.

Well, thanks a lot, Vicky. I was having one to five negative thoughts today and I've skyrocketed up to 73. Listening to Vicky's lies is like reading the back of a Diet Coke can. It's full of so much crap, you can't even get through it. Do I want to be hugged? No. No.

What's this? I start hugs. I start hugs, Vicky. Vicky says, gosh, hugging Shanna is like hugging a corpse. And I know. I hugged Brooks when he died for ten minutes on the table one time. Brought him back to life. Well, to be fair, as we all know, Shanna Medora has been killed by David's lies and infidelity.

Don't make me pull up my foam headboard. What is it? Don't make me pull up my foam headboard. What is it? Don't make me pull up my foam headstone, okay, Vicky? You know what she does? She puts it in a vacuum sealer so that way it can fit in her back pocket. And then moments like this, she pulls it out and takes out the wrapping and it puffs up like a Casper mattress.

The funeral will begin when enough air has been sucked into my tombstone. Here lies Shannon Medora being hugged by a bitch. So Vicky starts this whole conversation with Shannon, who's just looking at her like, I don't know, like she's Pepto-Bismol or some other non-organic medicine. She's just like totally distrustworthy. Or distrusting. Shannon is looking at Vicky as if Vicky were a daughter wearing too much makeup. Oh my God.

Totally. You are not coming into my home. You will be taking off that coat. I get him with a coat, Vicky. Nice base. How about we start instead of cover girl, how about we start with a base of truth? Instead of CoverGirl, how about we start with a base of truth? The only thing worse that Vicky could have said would have been,

I brought two bottles for the dinner party. I can't believe this. David, did you hear that? Vicky only brought two bottles of wine for 13 people for an entire dinner party, and now the mashed potatoes aren't even cooked yet. Vicky starts with her... Oh, look, I don't have any excuses for you. Shannon's like, oh, guess what? Don't want excuses.

Okay, didn't order those. Vicky's like, well, I don't have excuses. I just want to put it behind us. Oh, Vicky, you're too astute for that. You just swept it under the rug. Vicky goes, there's no rug. There's no rug. He's gone. She's like, well, I don't believe that you

weren't in on it. Well, fine. Be stuck in the past then, okay? I'm not stuck in the past. I'm just being smart. And furthermore, of course she didn't twice be under the rug, because there's no rug here. Kelly has such a modern house. It's ridiculous. It's so foul. I don't know. If you try

talking to me for five more seconds without brushing your teeth, young lady, I'm not your daughter. Oh, I never said you were my daughter. That's for sure. I don't know. If you try talking to me for five more seconds without brushing your teeth, young lady. I'm not your daughter. Oh, I never said you were my daughter. That's for sure. I would have spanked you. You're grounded. No more Xboxing. Yeah, not your daughter. What's this Xbox Live? Who's live in there?

This is why your father left. I'm not your daughter. So, anyway, they're all, they're starting to bicker now, and Shannon's saying, I forget even what Shannon says, but at one point, Vicky says, like, it's not about you, Shannon. She's like, I mean,

nothing about me. How dare you? Vicky? Vicky? Did I make it about me? No. No. No. You called me disgusting and vile. How am I making that about me, Vicky? Oh, yeah.

You called me disgusting and vile. And Vicky's like, well, yeah, I did. Oh, well, which is it? Which is it? Is it then or is it now? What's the truth? That truth or this truth? Am I disgusting and vile now? Or was I disgusting and vile then? Or was I disgusting and vile then? Or disgusting and vile now, young lady?

You tell me. Jesus Christ. So ultimately, Vicky just falls back on her. Their voices start to raise. But then eventually Vicky's like, I just want our friendship back. That's all I just want. I just want our friendship back. She's like, well, I don't know if I can come back.

I don't know if there's anything you can say or do. And Vicky goes, well, no, I just want. I just want our friendship back. She's like, well, I don't know if I can come back. I don't know if there's anything you can say or do. And Vicky goes, well, no, I'm sorry. Vicky says, I don't know if there's anything I can do or say to get your friendship back. And Shannon's like, well, there isn't. So, I mean, thank you. I was like, oh. That's an odd response. Our friendship is basically a Caliente sign that was on the clearance rack of

Ross, and there are no returns. So, sorry. Figure out how to fix that dent in your own kitchen, because my kitchen's just fine, missy! You know what? You know what our friendship is? It's a piece of plastic stuck up my ass. Gross, uncomfortable, and in the end,

it wasn't there in the first place. But at least I got a thumb up my ass. I will say thank you. Not too big to say thank you. Next up, oh, also at this party, Kelly's like, oh gosh, I just feel so bad for Vicky. And Heather goes goes don't classic heather and then megan's like oh hey guys hashtag justice has hashtag knowledge who wants to watch me give myself a shot oh god i was like is this really gonna be your arc giving

yourself a shot every single episode this is just just interminable, this stupid arc. Since when is it news that Megan's giving herself a prick when her husband's away? Is that some new storyline or what? Seeing it. Judging needles. 30 millimeter needle. And then Heather. Oh, good old

cat skills, Heather. I'd rather watch the needle go into Megan's stomach than watch Vicky and Shannon needling. It's like, ugh. It's stupid. It's real stupid. Please, Shannon. I mean, Heather, please.

So they go downstairs into the closet, this big closet. And then Megan is giving herself a shot. And she's like turning into this empowerment. Like, every time I give myself a shot, I feel like Superwoman. I'm like, you know what? You really have to relax, okay? You are not special because you can give yourself a shot. Like, heroin addicts can do it.

Yeah, you know, Superwoman gave up her job so she could be with some rich guy left alone in a home all day long so she can make herself pregnant with sperm from 20 years ago yep just like superwoman yeah seriously so my favorite part of all this is that vicky comes in and she's like her voice is quivering and she just she's like i just i just want to be friends with everyone again and megan goes, well, we weren't ever friends, Vicky. And I'm like, see, there we go. That's the Megan that I want. Just awful.

We weren't ever friends, okay? Well, we weren't ever friends, so I don't know how we could become friends in the first place. So Kelly's like look guys I was bullied as a kid so I understand I'm not going to be mean to her because I was bullied does this mean we can't make fun of your face

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you're never too old to be bullied, bitch. Yeah. Welcome to Watch What Crap Is. So then Shannon later is like, well, she said sorry, but, you know, then she called me disgusting and vile, and I told her I don't see a friendship. Come on,

Shannon, Shut up. No one cares. It's not like you actually have to be friends with Vicky. Just make it so we can, you know, whip it up. I don't want to be sitting here watching you complain and giving people dirty looks anymore. It's boring me telling. Exactly. And Vicky called you disgusting and vile like it was in the middle of an argument.

And Vicky isn't continuing to call you that. She said, yes, I did call you that. And just just let's just get over it already get over it over it you can forgive david and his eyes are always wandering like i don't even think they can help but i think he's like one of those people like who literally has a wandering eye you know it's like he could try and be looking at a painting but then his eyes like moving over to the right you're like oh there he goes it's this natural wandering eye again you forgave him is the point exactly yeah i mean vicky i mean okay so shannon is basically upset because um when shannon was trying to get vicky to like produce the the medical records which which even though Shannon was right, as a friend, it was...

The entire time last season, Shannon was trying to act as if she were trying to help Vicky by reasoning with Vicky to produce the medical records. But really what Shannon was doing was basically jumping on the bandwagon with everyone else,

which we were on the bandwagon side, but she was. And she was trying to act as if she was being a friend to Vicky by doing this. And so when Vicky got mad at her, she took it very personally. Like, oh, my goodness. I mean, wasn't it her birthday? Whose birthday was it, Vick's or Vicky's? Vicky's birthday.

Damn it, Ronnie. It was Vicky's, or maybe it was one of their births. It was Brooks' birthday, and they're there at dinner, and then Shannon brings it up. And Vicky's like, okay was Vicky's or maybe it was one of their birth. It was Brooks's birthday and they're there at dinner. And then Shannon brings it up. And Vicky's like, okay, well, happy birthday to Brooks. One thing I don't want to talk about today is cancer. Okay. So don't bring it up.

Shannon's like, well, there's one thing I wanted to talk to you about. It was cancer. Okay. Nope. Don't want to talk about. I don't want to talk about it either. So what about Brooks faking cancer? Because everyone's saying, God damn it!

And then she lost it and just went postal on her ass. Yeah, and she wrote all those text messages later on. And so now Shannon's like, well, she wrote, do you think that a friend would not say yada, yada, yada? Yeah, like a friend would try and call out a con man boyfriend on national TV. I mean, Vicky was totally, I believe Vicky knew, and she covered for Brooks, and it was disgusting. But still, girl code. Like, if you're going to be friends on a show, you can't say that Vicky's your best friend and then try and get her called out on camera every single time you see her. Right.

And this whole thing, well, Vicky was talking about my affair. Listen, you told half the world. I told it on TV. And Vicky told it to someone who's not even on the show, okay? It's not a big deal. And you totally forgave Tamara. And Tamara and Heather did things that were way worse, honestly, to you as a friend than Vicky did.

But I think that she was looking for a reason to turn on Vicky, which I don't approve of. Shannon, if you think about Shannon's history on this show, Shannon's never liked anybody that she's met on this show. Have you noticed? Yeah. She was introduced to the show by Tamara. And she's like oh wow uh thank you for showing me a home wait was it tamra or heather uh i think it was tamra might have been showing a house tamra was showing the

house to heather i think that's how they met or they brought heather but then heather showed heather went to see shannon's home or something because we're gonna build a home in the neighborhood and i want to see comps or whatever she's like wow wow here's my home here's a secret room to the nowhere of the nothing that david insisted on building there's little blonde hairs all over the place which i don't understand but there you go nothing weird but she kind of looked at heather like what a bitch which she was right and then she meets everyone she's met on the show. My point is, she doesn't like anybody, especially the young people who come on. She gives everybody dirty looks. She's a moody, nasty bitch to Shannon.

She's a judgmental hooker. And that's what we love about her, by the way. She's one of my all-time favorites. We're just saying, Shannon, you've put too many eggs into this fight basket. It's just not... not you know it's just you had a pretty she had a pretty strong friendship with vicky and she should be annoyed

with vicky but if tamra can get over it then you can too shannon just just deal with it yeah you can't have a new fun fresh fight if we're still fighting over this stupid thing like figure first you can fight again i mean this is housewives yeah exactly i i agree i like a fight that i would like to see um a feud that begins this season not one that's carrying over from last season yes especially when it was so terrible and he's blatantly wrong like you really think you're gonna get vicky to say any i've never heard vicky say she's sorry so many times ever in all of these seasons now granted she says like well i'm sorry that you can't trust me and you think that I would do something I would never do. But still, you know, sorry, which is very difficult for her.

She does have her tail between her legs. I do believe that. And the good news is, jumping ahead, in the previews for next week, it looks like, you know, Kelly and Shannon are going to have a big feud. And that's the one I'm really looking forward to. Because, again, Shannon going after a younger woman, it it's just perfect that's what we want from shannon okay so shannon needs to get over the vicky thing become friends with her again and the two of them go after kelly yeah let's move on already so megan uh is in the car with jimmy who's really trying to smile more this season but looks so awkward doing it he

so doesn't want to be there um they're going to get his sperm taken from the place to take it to another place and he's like she goes in the middle of the night i can hear my ovaries talking and he's like yeah me too would you tell him to shut the fuck up i'm home two nights a week it would be nice to sleep yeah they're like hashtag justice hashtag ovaries yeah and because you can't come with me like my mom's coming like she's gonna come like for the egg retrieval because you won't be here yeah well that's what you get stupid yeah um he uh probably never even had a vasectomy he probably told her that thinking that this way they wouldn't have to have a baby and now now that she's like okay let's get your sperm he's like fuck so he probably jerked off in

a cup threw it in the in a tank and the next day they pulled it out like oh yes it's been here for seven years it's probably just a bunch of chewed up orbits and little vials it's gonna be like well i'm still not pregnant my vagina smells like wintergreen though it's weird so meanwhile it's a stupid scene of them transporting basically a time machine in their back seat somewhere yeah it's like r2d2 in the back seat yeah i was covered in white stuff right and she's and she's probably like oh my god this scene probably makes me look so much more enduring and relatable i'm like no it's just boring and stupid um speaking of which we then have a scene of heather it's like like, Terry's going away on Mother's Day

Can you believe it? Mother's Day of all the days Which made me think, is this crazy out of order? Mother's Day was only two months ago Oh, that's true, actually Well, maybe he just had already planned a trip or something for then I don't know Who knows? or something for then i don't know who knows i the the you know megan and heather are really grasping at straws for a story this season it's just boring stuff and and for for for heather it's

like the same tires i'm like he's always so busy he's such a busy guy he's busy i'm making doing this house all by myself oh yeah i'm so sorry that you have to build you know your onyx daddy warbucks's mansion from the film version of annie like shut up heather no one cares i know also did we talk about heather and jeff last week already i think we did right i'm not sure so heather jeff lewis went to a party at shannon's house and uh jeff lewis went because flipping out his back and jeff lewis was on watch what happens and he was asked who's his favorite and least favorite housewife. And he said Shannon Bedore is his favorite, and his least favorite is Heather, because he was at a party at her house, and she was really rude to the staff.

And he used to be a waiter, and he just thought that was tacky. So she starts going off on him on Twitter. It was hilarious. She's like, screw you, asshole. And now, like this this week she's turned it into you're body shaming me you know that's a man who body shames a woman and so now she's trying to go off on this big feminist rant don't talk about this don't talk about body shaming when you're married to a plastic surgeon who profits off of it okay no kidding your husband has turned

you into a gerbil okay and? And you won't eat. Your mansion is funded by body shaming. People who've been body shamed and need to get plastic surgery, okay? So you should say thank you. Yes, exactly. Speaking of which, so Heather's big issues right now is that the slab for the Onyx bar is too short, so it has to be changed. And then there's an issue with the theaters, the movie theater seats,

because they're used to be, they're like a little off-center, and it's just going to be an issue. I'm like, this is so, so uninteresting. She's really, really an obnoxious human being. And I love that they showed enabler number one, her stupid little assistant, who follows her around with the same swinging hand i had this on um vine vine i think last year which is

mini me heather's mini me following her around carrying her purse the same way and both their hands are swinging together and she's still there and this girl i mean this is the problem when you have girlfriends like this i know she's a friend employee so it doesn't really count but heather's like can you believe he's leaving on mother's day it's a slap in the face and the assistant's like yeah it's just like another slap in the face you know like well bitch he's also the one paying your salary so you might want to like keep it in at least while the cameras are rolling who does does that? It's your boss. Yeah, exactly. Friend employees do that.

They just agree with everything. Then Jimmy and Megan having more boring conversations about fertility. And she starts to cry. She's like, I'm sad that you're leaving. He's like, babe, we're going to lunch now. I'm not leaving. She's like, I know, but you're leaving tomorrow. I'm like, whatever. I'm going to be back. I don't't know it's just so awkward to watch he does not give a shit i think he's like look i'm gonna be shitting myself within 10 years i do not have it

in me to marry another woman like i cannot take it just shut up megan and she's like she's they're doing all the paperwork for the ivf and he he goes, it's like buying a house. I hope one of my exes comes in here and puts tape on the back of everything. It's like, oh, geez. Let's just fast forward. Can we make sure that the embryo has faux Tuscan styling? I like everything about this baby but the kitchen. He's like, like oh damn it

She's gonna redo all the piping on the baby Alright well do whatever you want I'll be out of town for three months So then scary music Scary drumming Something's happening Camera's shaking The camera crews are running around

We see cameraman We see mics We see booms It's the Brianna emergency So Brianna She sees Vicky's like Well here I am I gotta get Brianna emergency. So, uh, Brianna, she sees it. Vicky's like, well,

here I am. I got to get Brianna. And she opens the door and Brianna is of course like been in bed. Her hair is all over. She's like, God damn it. She sees the camera. She's like,

Jesus Christ, mother. Yeah. Brianna's hair was all up in a crazy mess. Poor girl of all time to have a medical emergency. Um, I was shocked that Vicky was so calm during it. Brianna was like, ah, ah, Vicky's like, okay, come on now. Come on. I got to have a medical emergency. I was shocked that Vicky was so calm during it. Brianna was like,

and Vicky's like, okay, come on now. Come on. I gotta sell some insurance later, so let's do this. Come on. You can't breathe? Okay. You know what? Suffocate on your own time. Because someone is about to buy some speed bumping strength. I'm gonna be there. You know why you're suffocating? Because you haven't been working. You gotta work. You gotta work, Brianna, otherwise you'll suffocate

to death. You know who else feels suffocated? People on the cheese line. Okay. Get a jab. How about you tell your infection to get a jab? That'll fix it. So Vicky was surprisingly calm. The entire time I'm thinking to myself...

I'm thinking to myself... Tell your infection to get a jab. You don't work, infection. Hey, I hope we can find this mystery illness also a jab for you. Okay, great. Get in the car. Hey, infection, you shouldn't be doing this. People shouldn't be eating sushi off of you.

You should be getting a jab. I know you're having trouble breathing, but on the way there, I want you to take this test to see what kind of jab you'd be best at. I'm having a seminar infection, so you can come to it and learn how to get skills. Remember when you fell down the stairs? Not now. Later.

So the entire time, I'm like, why didn't Brianna just call an ambulance? I mean, she's the nurse. Why did she just call an ambulance? Why'd you wait for her mom to show up? You can't breathe. Call an ambulance. Well, it turns out, on the over there, that's what they did. They called an ambulance because they couldn't wait for Vicky to get there on her own. So they pulled into a gas station and ambulance shows up.

And I see Vicky, Vicky hugging someone. And the entire time I'm like, is that Sarah Ryan's ex? What is happening? Or why is Sarah? I'm so confused with everything. What is happening? Why is Sarah? I'm so confused with everything.

I feel like Sarah's sitting around with a police scanner just trying to find out when a hot cop is doing something. Yeah, I think so. It was way too weird. And so, sure enough, it was Sarah. And not only was it Sarah, but she then gets commissioned to take care of troy and owen while brianna's in the hospital i'm like something is very bizarre here it is pretty weird because you know sarah's fucking some guy at the gas station they're like why would sarah be there it's gonna turn out that she's like boning the you know the 7-eleven worker or whatever so now sarah is at the at brianna's house babysitting the kids and tam Tamara comes over to chat with Sarah, which is everything is like something.

Like this is this is the woman who like your son is estranged from right now. They're having huge fights and you're going over there to have a heart to heart. Like this is all sorts of wrong. And she's taking care of the kids. Yeah. Well, they're friends. I think Tamara and Sarah, I think, are friends. Well, because Tamara knows that her son is the real fuck up in the situation.

I know. It's like finally Tamara learns how to be a decent human being. And now everybody's mad at her for being friends with the good one. It is the mother of her grandchildren, people. Everybody calm down. So the inevitable then happens, which is Tamara's like, well, you know, Sarah was just happening with the gas station when Vicky was there. Jesus did that. Jesus did that. Jesus did this.

It's not a coincidence, bitch. Okay? Like, Jesus is sitting up there looking at gas stations, and he was like, whoa, help her. Okay, bitch? Consider the source of the coincidence, bitch. It's Jesus. I'm sure Jesus did that. If jesus did it don't you think he'd send somebody a little more helpful i know why sarah of all people don't you think vicky

would have just been driving past like dr quinn medicine woman or something like why sarah it's like oh look it's the lady that ryan had sex with from the instagram oh thanks jesus if jesus really wanted to intervene he would have had gina keo there to take care of the whole situation gina would take it gets all right kids while you're while your mom's in the hospital yeah it's kind of crazy well we don't know if she's gonna survive but you know we'll see kids are like so your mom might die today kids uh ever wondered how this might be your fault and if you could say you're sorry? That would be good.

Just think about that, kids. All right, kids. Here's a knife to play with. Hey, kids. Could you try and help me get into this lace thing I got? Come on, guys. Okay, pull. Pull.

I didn't think it would work. Who wants a tortilla with some peanut butter on it, kids? Hey, kids. While I got you, does anyone want to sign up for baseball camp? Hey, Brianna. Great news. So while you're babysitting, I sent your kids off to baseball camp. They'll be coming back in about two months as huge assholes.

So I was talking to your kids, and they're feeling ignored. So I gave them the number to reality T and they've got an interview coming up hope you don't mind understand why everyone's so mad at me all the time so Vicki I rented out your garage your grandkids so you know I know you we want I know you probably don't want them I know you probably don't want them. I know you probably want paying attendance, but, you know, I figured they're your kids. Vicky's like, oh, hey. I mean, she's like, hey, Vicky.

I just wanted to know if you could put me on the phone with Brianna's infection. I know that you guys don't like it, but, you know, I need some friends. So I hope it's not inappropriate or whatever. I think the infection just really misunderstood. I think that's it. I think someone's just got to listen to her to the infection That's all the infection. It's just like a disease trying to hug her stomach basically So I think we all need to try and understand this infection, you know, like find it in our hearts

You know, I know the infection trying to kill Brianna, but you know, that's just that's just what infection is You know, you just gotta laugh it off. That's all sometimes. That's how love feels gotta laugh it off that's all sometimes that's how love feels bring back gina yeah i know i'm surprised she hasn't been on already i mean she was on in the beginning i thought she would be seeing more of her gasping for air huh well you just described my morning so hope someone's at the gas station to help me guys uh anyway i gotta go on a date with someone who looks like Corbin Bernson now Okay so let's see here Tamara I did like when Tamara tells Sarah

She goes be nice to me please And Sarah goes You created a monster Hello And then they like cut to ryan there was like a flashback of ryan and he just looks his beard his eyes just disaster total disaster yes total meth face like sons of anarchy beard is not hiding your meth face okay yeah drink some water yeah So Kylie's family, who's Kylie?

Oh, Kylie, the little kid. Oh, this is where Grandma's trying to help out with homework. Yeah. So what is the capital of Ohio? She's like, oh, the lines.

No, it's not wet and wild. Grandma. What's the capital of Tennessee? Grandma, it's not Six Flags. Is Mexico a country or a city? Franzia, Grandma, it's not even a place. Okay, I'll get you a straw. All right. Okay. Capital of Nevada. grandma it's not even a place okay i'll get you a straw all right okay capital of nevada i don't think pat sajak is a capital sure i'll do that with you what is a keg stand

grandma's like all wobbling in the background uh so kelly comes home she's like hey guys hope you're doing great at homework meanwhile her child's gonna fail out of school she's like getting no answers yeah she's like okay bye i'm gonna go hang out with megan and the brother's like hey fun party who you gonna hook me up with and she goes gross vicky i guess she's ready willing and able he's like yeah score peace and hair grease sis meanwhile the daughter's like um i'm failing out of school and I'm getting bullied and I'm being forced into tennis. Can someone pay attention to me, please? Line off a mirror? What does that mean, grandma?

I'll get your blanket. These kids. So next up, Megan and Kelly. So Megan and Kelly look at a kitchen. Does anyone give a fuck? No, there's like a vaginal plastic flap. And that's about it. Yeah.

So basically, Kelly's like, oh, Vicky's nice. And Megan's like, no, she's not. Kelly calls her a millennial. and megan's like no she's not and then she calls her a millennial yeah she's like she's just a millennial so she thinks the world revolves around her um okay so good fast forward i hate them now it's vicky taking care of the kids yes why did i write kids firemen oh yeah they're little firemen yeah and and vicky's like i miss play pens i just want to have a play pen again back in my day we had these little pens you put the kids in them and they played in there and now today it's like they're all over uh they still have play pens i know it's like jesus christ where do you think you are go to do you have a costco in? Hell, you can't find a playpen? Get a dog crate.

Work for Taylor on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Or at least a cage. So, um, now, David. Shannon, I want to have a 70s party. You know, like, far out. We're not like disco people, but we want to sort of have a far out piece, man.

But also disco. David? You know, I want to have one of those parties. No, no, no, not where everyone's, you know, dancing and having fun. One of the ones where you're sitting around with your parents just still so disappointed in Nixon. Meatloaf hasn't been the same. You know, something that reminds you of the hangar of the 60s, you know? All the bad choices of another decade. When David was cheating with me and not on me.

You know, I want to go back to a time where a bull was coming out of the ocean and David, David, why are you staring at her? David! David! I want some shag carpeting, you know? Something that reminds us of the bad choices we made in the 70s. That way David can reflect on his own bad choices he made when he met that woman on the beach. David? David? I want to go back to a time where beaches were clean and whores weren't crawling out of them and sleeping with my husband.

That would be great. Can you do that for me? So she's having a party just for the sake of it. And so she's like, wow, look at these lights. This is crazy. Is this what they do in the clubs now? They have lights that spin. Wow, this is crazy.

Disco. You know, I was one of those people. I was like, peace, disco, rock and roll man, groovy. Like what? She goes, here's what I think of at the 70s. TV dinners, lava lamps, and marijuana stations. You're crazy. Do I want a lean cuisine?

Yes. Yes. Will I? No. No. Do I think that's a lava lamp? Yes. Does it look like Heather getting up in the morning?

Yes. David, David, why do you have lava in that lamp? David, that's dangerous. you can't have that near the children david david tortilla republic i just wrote um alfredo is here to spy for heather before before we get there though there's this speaking Heather, there's this really stupid scene where Heather's hanging out with the kids, showing the pics of the new house. Like, I love these moments with the family. I love having kids. I love being a family.

And it was the most bullshit stage scene where she then was, like, putting the kids to sleep, like, mom of the year. I'm like, this is so fake. It's light outside. And your kid didn't even change out of his polo shirt. This is the fakest goodnight scene of all time. Mini-me will be back to do this for real in an hour. Be quiet or I'll have you all killed. Okay, bye.

So then we go to Tortilla Republic. Alfredo, there's my good friend Alfredo. Like, hola, miss. Hello, Alfredo. He's like, my name is actually George. Oh,fredo george it's you again i get it by george it's alfredo he's like i'm actually asian also oh yes yes i do that every single day i say hi to you when i have whenever i buy sushi too you are the hardest working alfredo and all of orange alfredo yeah i have to add alfredo to the crappin's glossary by the way oh yeah whenever I buy sushi too. You are the hardest working Alfredo and all of Orange Alfredo.

I have to add Alfredo to the Krappen's Glossary, by the way. Oh yeah. For those of you who don't know, one time Heather went to a restaurant and got water from a busboy and goes, we love Alfredo.

And we can't let it go. Well, because she's like, she was acting as if Alfredo was her best friend and the joke was, his name isn't even Alfredo. Yeah. She's just that woman who's like, oh, oh we're such good friends remember that time i was

telling you about how i started pilates but i didn't really feel comfortable with it and the waiter's like uh-huh fuck off bitch choke on your chicken oh i'm adding it right now alfredo alfredo the waiter um so shannon and tam Tamara are eating at Tortilla Republic. And Tamara's like, do you have chicken but like nothing else? And Alfredo's like, yes, yes, Mr. Bros. And of course, bitter-ass Shannon's like, well, I guess I'll have some chicken too or something with something not on it or whatever. Is that more fattening than a hamburger? Tell me the truth. I guess I'll

have some seasoning on that. I think I'm entitled. I'm 52. Hey, I want some seasoning. Shannon's trying a little too hard this season to be kind of kooky, funny and say these truisms about age

and life. I need Shannon to have more sadness. Because then we're getting, that's when we get real Shannon, not this like, I'm 52. I think I deserve some seasoning. I deserve that.

Give me some salt. Give me some salt, please. You know, I don't mind it, but it's just so fake when she's just such a bitch on wheels. It's like, oh my gosh, she's so mean and so sour with everybody until she gets in those scenes and she's trying to be wacky. Like, no, you're a bitch. Because real Shannon would not be making a joke.

Real Shannon would be saying, when I see Tamara eating healthy, it reminds me of all the weight I've gained. And that makes me sad because I don't know if David will find me attractive anymore. David? I know she knows that find me attractive anymore. David? I know she knows that I feel that way. And here she is ordering chicken with no seasoning. I guess I'm supposed to do that. What is she trying to tell me? Is she being an unsupportive friend?

Is she calling me fat? What does Tamara think? Now listen here, Miss Tamara Judge. If I want to have chicken with salt, I'm going to do it, okay? What, batch? But I do. Yeah. That's Shannon. She just needs to spin out of control yeah but since she is united with herself in her hatred of uh vicky she can't see anything else i'm like you are wasting such good opportunities to go after everyone especially

stupid megan i mean megan needs something to do for christ's sake yeah because when megan doesn't have vicky to go after or shannon to go after she's doing literally nothing she's walking around with a tank it's like look it's my it's my kitchen uh it's my kitchen and i have a tank of frozen sperm so hashtag justice look how there's like plastic taped above the door that's so like when they're doing construction dust don't come in the living room yeah great great great story there so they start talking about vicky and how jesus sent the girl to the gas station or whatever and they don't know what's wrong with her and then shannon i mean shannon look i get that you have reasons to be mad but you're at this point you're just being disgusting

you're being gross she's like well what is why is brianna even moving here what would she be doing because tamra was saying well maybe like brianna's just upset because like she's not with ryan that's like that's gotta be sad like a woman alone like oh who would want to live like that i'd kill myself in the face shannon's like wow why well, why wouldn't Ryan just be here? Maybe because Vicky bought Brianna a house? Huh? Is that why she's here? Shannon was really instigating. Shannon was like, okay, well, we're talking about Brianna's medical emergency.

Let me see how I can turn this into something that would make people angry at Vicky. Oh, I know. Well, why is Brianna out of the safety of Oklahoma in the first place? It's because she's away from her husband and therefore she can't be healthy. And this is Vicky's fault. I'm like, come on now. Come on now. Neither of them want to be in Oklahoma, okay?

I mean, I agree that Vicky definitely manipulated the situation and definitely was like, okay, I'm going to buy you a house. And you're only going to get it if you come home right now. For sure that happened. But it's sort of not a bad thing. And Deflin's like, okay, I'm going to buy you a house. And you're only going to get it if you come home right now. For sure that happened. But it's sort of not a bad thing. I mean, wait for her to at least get out of the hospital before you start shit-talking her. Although it's so hard to stick up for people because Vicky's so delusional, too. She's like, well, you know, Ryan's still in Oklahoma because the Army won't let him come back to Orange County. Thanks a lot, Obama.

Yeah. Like, you know that that's not how the Army works, right? Where you're just like, hey, Army, I'd like to live in Orange County. And they're like, sure. We'll set up a base there. Everything's going to be great. That's not how it works, Vicky. Stupid Army.

Thanks a lot, military. Who's a terrorist now? The tornadoes. So then we see Brianna coming home, and she is just at her wit's end. They can't find, they don't know where this infection is, but she's at least out of the hospital, and she's flopping down on the couch,

and I'm on the bed, and yada, yada, yada. It's like a, you know, it's like a feel bad for Brianna moment. And then we cut back to Torture Republic where now Shannon is debating whether or not to invite Vicky to her 70s party. Do I want Vicky at the 70s party? No.

No. Am I going to invite her? Maybe. David? No. David? Yes. No. Pin the sorry on Vicky. Let's see if she can even find where to put it this time. Hey, Vicky, here's a sorry. See if you can put it on anything that says, not my fault. Okay? Go.

So, Shannon has drafted an email regarding inviting Vicky to the party because she doesn't want to exclude Vicky because Shannon was once excluded and Vicky had her back then. So she so she drafted this email. Vicky, although I've made it clear I'm not interested in pursuing friendship we once had. I do want to reach out and to extend an invitation to a party I'm hosting this Saturday. I remember how you stood up for me when I wasn't invited to a party last year. I would never want to hurt another's feelings like that. Even a huge bitch like you.

Signed, Shannon Bedore. I'm worried about hurting your feelings, even though I suspect you have zero. Love, Shannon. Like, like, but never love again, Shannon Bedore. So please come to my party.

You will be welcome, even though everyone wishes you stayed home instead. You are allowed to RSVP with one guest who is not pretending he has cancer. And then that was pretty much it. I mean, they basically fixed the email to be a little bit more pleasant. And that was it. It's sort of really nothing happened in this episode except Rihanna had an incident. Yeah. And we're not really – I'm sorry.

I was smoking like a big fake coffee-flavored cigarette inhale or whatever. I don't blame you because there was nothing. There was nothing that happened this episode you know i'm hoping that this was a filler episode before we get to the crazy shit next week which looks like it will be crazy with vicky yelling at david and kelly yelling at shannon kelly's saying something like no wonder why he cheated on you oh awkward yeah oh god doesn't that happen on the shahs next time too that's how the shahs ends and peter's like this is why you have no man to love you or this is why you have no woman to love you and she left you and he's like yeah who who left you zillions of years ago you'll flag i was like whoa at a wedding classy which we'll get to in a

moment um so now it's time to move on real housewives of New Jersey Yes Yes I feel rejuvenated We had a pee pee break and I feel rejuvenated I feel like I'm just going to take a big swig of coffee Right now to power me up for this And I almost feel like While I take this coffee there should be a chyron That appears in the podcast that says

July 19th 2.52pm Because New Jersey is all about these chyrons all of a sudden. Every single day that happens, it's like... Teresa has been out of jail for five minutes. Whoa, wow, guys. So glad I'm watching. Man, I've watched a lot of TV.

This is like at the bottom of my note pile. All right, pick it out, Jersey. We open with. Wait. You know what? Before we get into Jersey, though, Ronnie, I have to say I have this strange feeling like that Siggy must have this amazing website somewhere that we have to find. And I want to think that she designed that website herself. But the truth is she's hardly a web designer.

But I guarantee she created a fantastic looking website using Weebly. I mean, I still can't even believe how easy Weebly makes it for Siggy. Well, let's ask Siggy. Weebly was created for people with the courage to start their own businesses and the dream to be their own boss. the courage to start their own businesses and the dream to be their own boss. Again, you don't need to be a web designer or know how to code to create a beautiful website, blog, or online store. You can make a delicious website. It's delicious.

We're all very impressed with the wide variety of professionally designed, mobile-friendly things to choose from. Yeah, then you just simply drag and drop to quickly build and publish your own site too easy like too easy jacklyn it's so easy jacklyn and you can truly customize listen i was born in a storm cellar okay and even i can truly customize, update, and change my site anytime I want on any device. In any sort of seller. So listen. Okay, Dolores, here's what we're going to do, Dolores.

We're going to join the over 30 million people who are already streaming big with Weebly. So get started today for free at weebly.com slash watch. That's W-E-E-B-L-Y dot com slash watch. weebly.com slash watch that's w-e-e-b-l-y dot com slash watch weebly.com slash watch weebly.com slash watch watch i don't know what my accent was on that ad but she wasn't even in this episode so i'm basically tommy that's who just did that as tommy calling himself ciggy well the only the only presence of ciggy and this is a big fault that they did not have siggy in this episode the only presence was in the opening when we finally got to see your opening which was some people think i'm too much you're absolutely right

i'm like i love you i love you siggy i can't move my face. I'm the clumped. So let's see. Again, this week, I think somebody is mixing this on their iPad. Because, again, the sound is like... What the hell is going on in the studios over there? It sounds like they're doing their opening lines through their cell phone. Like they forgot to record them and they're like,

Some people say them too much and they're right. Get those levels right. Does anyone work at this show? So, there's a chyron. December 23rd, 2015. Day of Teresa's release. I'm like, oh my god.

Still going on with this. So now we see the lawyer. He's out in front of the paparazzi. He's addressing them in a tracksuit and a gold necklace release i'm like oh my god we're still going on with this so now we see the lawyer he's out in front of the paparazzi he's addressing them in a track suit and a gold necklace i'm like real classy sir um so he's saying theresa is back in at home which is with the children enjoying the holidays and i suggest that you find people go home and enjoy the holidays with your families too and then we see everyone else in the cast watching this on their cell phones. And Jacqueline's like crying all of a sudden. Like this is not the moon landing.

It's like Teresa's enjoying some time with the family. Jacqueline's like, it's just so sweet. I mean, Teresa and I have had our problems. But like I don't really, I don't know. Like I don't know how I feel. I mean, look. I still care. I still care. I still care.

And so Dolores is with Jacqueline, and Jacqueline's tearing up. And I think, was it, oh, no, it was Dolores. Someone gave someone a bouquet of flowers. It made me laugh. But Dolores is like, listen, okay, you know what I said? You know what I said to my first husband and to the guy who I gave five years of my life, my fiance, of doing things that made the first husband look so bad i mean you couldn't even believe it like i said to myself i gotta move myself along like dolores what are you talking

about i don't even know anymore but dolores is like like listen don't text her don't call her give her some space okay i'm like way too good that's great advice how long before that gets turned around in jacqueline's face? Totally. She's totally starting shit. She's like, here's some advice. Don't twirl it. Don't text her. You know immediately it's going to be, Jacqueline, you didn't even call me. Texted me.

That's exactly what's going to happen. Yep. And then Jacqueline can't help it. She's trying to act like she's so nice. She's like, well, I really feel for Teresa still. Oh, look, she got a new car. Just what everybody does when they get out of prison. Well, she's right.

I mean, everyone in America was like, way to go, Teresa. Way to show that humble grace right there. She is right. But Jacqueline is so close behind her. That's what kills me. I mean, they don't talk about it on the show, but this shit that Jacqueline and Chris are in trouble for is not little. It's like spending millions of dollars that were given to their apparel brand

so that they can go on private planes and take vacations. She's just kind of not really in a place to judge. But glad she's doing it. Yeah, the difference is that Jacqu they're they're caught and they're they're playing ball theresa and joe never played ball which is how they wound up ultimately in jail yeah uh so joe and melissa look at internet pics too i love that this is the uniting thing does anything go on in jersey ever all they do is sit around watching their phones in landscape mode waiting for theresa to pop up on their Google alerts. Well, sometimes Lauren Manzo makes

mozzarella in the sink with her husband. No one is watching that on their cell phone. Ain't nobody watching that. Except for Caroline. She's like, look how good my kids are. Look at them. Look at them making that mozzarella. Don't eat it, Lauren. Don't eat it.

Such an asshole. Serve it in kefache. I'm so. We're gonna serve it in kafache. I'm so sad that Lauren's depressed, but you know, she can't be her brother's. I can't change that. I can't add a penis and some back hair. And no career prospects. What's done is done.

Thank God for Gina. What a saint. So, um, so now, now over at, uh, Teresa's house, they're, they're they're like primping and doing makeup. Melania doesn't like her eyebrows. And so Tree calls Joe Gorga. Well, she's getting her eyebrows waxed. So she's getting her child's eyebrows waxed.

And she's like, you're going to keep up with that, Melania? You can't just do it one time, okay? You're going to do it again? Okay, next to the back. All right, we're going to get your feet last. Just stay still. Tape it down, Joe. You know, that waxing was just pure revenge.

You know, after years and years of Melania giving them hell, they were like, well, we can't spank her on TV, so let's just wax the hair off of her. That'll make her cry. So Joe and Melissa, who are also pretending that they actually still like Teresa, which is such bullshit. Joe's barely hiding anything. Like, usually he's hiding it better. But this time he's like, yeah, well, you know, like, she had a lot of influence over our family.

And, you know, I just hope my mom and dad aren't brainwashed again by Tree. Because we got our parents, and Melissa's like, I will do everything in my power and, like, baby Jesus' name to keep your parents here eating all food every Sunday. Okay, Joe? So they're calling to pretend that they're still friends. And Teresa's like, hello. He's like, how you doing, Tree? And she's like, ah, it's real hard, you know? Like, outside there's paparazzis.

And then, you know, if I want to leave, I got to get permissions. Oh, wow. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Wow. And then at night they all gather together for a Christmas photo for People magazine or something. And Gia, like, I feel like Gia this entire season just could be her just rolling her eyes and complaining.

Like, Mom, you look fine. Everyone needs to chill out already. I didn't realize I'm taking another photo. She's a total teenager. She's like, oh, God, Mom. She's so teenager. It's actually hilarious. All she does is flip her hair back and try and give her.

She really does havea's fake picture smile down whenever a camera whips out she turns right into theresa again and theresa's like hey joe can you come pick me up because i can't go there myself because the paps and he's like melissa and joe were like who cares like why does it matter if the paparazzi take your pictures and she goes because i got an exclusive like they pay for it with the people magazine and then they show this exclusive picture it's the it's her in the car being driven by the lawyer who's had i think 20 facelifts since we last saw him i don't know exactly who he's trying to look like but he looks crazy he looks like he's about to

play the mom in hairspray like a full face of makeup. And then it's Teresa in the middle of the backseat looking and giving that picture face she gives her. She's like, mmm. Like that's what her face looks like. And that's what she got paid for? I mean, come on, People magazine. That was paparazzi. That wasn't the first picture. That was like it snuck out there, I think.

Oh, because she looked like she was posing for it. I thought she was saying that's the one they paid because she gave them the first one out of jail, which I think was that one. And she's like, yeah, the Pabst picture. I'm like, Jesus Christ, People magazine. Are there no children falling into wells these days? I know. Also, Melissa, the funny thing is that when Teresa shows up at Melissa's house for – was this Christmas Eve at this point? Then Melissa

is like, you know, Teresa shows up and she's just sort of acting like nothing happened. I'm like, no, the reason why she was kind of acting a little off was because she walked in and she hadn't seen you in a year and the first thing you say is, why'd you use the side door? I'm like, that's not how you greet. They have it like, oh my god, hi, how are you?

Hi, why'd you come in the side door what's going on why did you do the side door she's constantly trying to stir shit it's so funny and she's also so ballsy about it now she's not even like trying to hide it and Therese I love Therese's answer she's like cause the garage didn't you hear the garage

like we went in the garage and went you didn't hear that like that's not an answer weirdo so then they're having their dinner You didn't hear that? Like, that's not an answer, weirdo. So then they're having their dinner, and Joe Giudice doesn't even know what Christmas is. He's like, wasn't this the night that Jesus died or was resurrected or something? I don't know. What are you going to do?

He's like, hey, it's the night where Jesus got resurrected. What is it? Teresa goes, he was born, Joe. You need to go to church more joe yeah what can you do what can you do okay so what jesus this is jesus uh just uh built a pyramid right is one of them is this the opening of the grand pyramids yeah jesus pyramid yeah he and gia are just fighting like crazy when they were getting their picture taken she's like dad put your chin up and he's taken she's like dad put your chin up and he's like why don't you put your chin up Gia fucking

dad did you notice by the way that during the Christmas Eve dinner while they're talking Melissa Gorga had her book perched on a stand in full view of the camera like right behind someone's head I was like come on Melissa I'm rooting for you

what don't do this to me i'm on your side i've always been on your side don't make me retake theresa's side because so far i'm kind of on her side this season i have not ever melissa is one of the phoniest fucking people and when it came out that she had been like facebooking with uh the stripper to try and get on the show and giving everybody all this ammo against Teresa. I mean, Teresa's gross, but that girl, like, ugh, she's the worst. She was like an extra who clawed her way onto the show. So Melissa and Tree have, like, a tense conversation in the kitchen where she's like, I want to be close. That's like, this is what we do.

This is what sisters do. I've never had a sister. I want to be close to you. And Melissa's like, well, you know, I want to be close, but I don't this is what we do. This is what sisters do. I've never had a sister. I want to be close with you. And Melissa's Melissa was like, well, you know, I want to be close, but I don't want to just say it. I mean, you have walls. You have walls up. Like, you know, and she's like, I love you

like a true sister. Well, shout it to me. And I was just like, oh, this is all going down the wrong way. And they're talking about the christening. Yeah, neither one of them will take responsibility for anything. Tracy's like, all I ever wanted was for us to be sisters. like i just don't understand it's like you gotta go against me and then like you know there's other people like i was like gilligan's island like i'm like alone like it's gilligan like i was alone and melissa's like i don't even know what

that is but you know you brought that old hag on to be mean to me it's like what okay so maybe i knew some people who didn't like you like whatever like what you're sorry what but like show it in me it's like you two neither one of you can fucking talk i don't even know why i'm watching this i know well theresa you know like i need you to like really believe it because like you said you're in gilligan's island but you like the professor marianne were totally talking shit about me and you did not stand up for me at all well that's because they you said you were on Gilligan's Island, but you, like, the Professor and Marianne were totally talking shit about me, and you did not stand up for me at all. Well, that's because they was right, you know, when they were saying stuff about you. But then, you know, Gilligan, like, called me, you know, he called me all these names.

Like, you don't even care. Like, you're like, hey, Gilligan, you want to get in the SUV with Jackie? Like, did you hear what she said about my purse? I mean, like. Jesus. We got to have each other's backs. We got to shut it down. Okay.

When the skipper says something about us, we just shut it down and call him a fat fuck. Did you see the clip that was posted of Teresa on? Oh, yeah. You posted it on Facebook. So Teresa was on Access Hollywood. They're like, so tree. When is your husband going to jail? She's like, I don't want to talk about it.

Like, what? What? She's like, I don't want to talk about it. I'm like, what? What? It's a fact. I mean, he is going. Is he going to be deported? I mean, this is all like a fact. It's not like a secret. She's like, I'm leaving.

She gets up and storms off. And Melissa just goes, oh, God. Oh, geez. Yeah, she just leaves. And the best of the Access Hollywood people were just like making fun of her. Dave Carger was on. Dave Carger was like mortified because he's a print journalist. So he's like, oh, my God, I can't believe someone went off.

But that other woman, Kat, whatever, she's from Road Rules. She's been around crazies her entire career. Okay. She's like, okay, run away. I guess we had someone run off. Okay. Bye, bitch. Poor Melissa.

I guess I stayed on the same side this season because melissa's like oh jeez there she goes okay here's your mic okay okay be careful on a trip she's basically acting like her dog just peed on the wall she's like i'm sorry everyone he can't help it yeah it's in its nature so then it says so after this whole talk in the kitchen everything there's like a hug they make sort of like an uneasy truce as usual. And then it goes two days later and we're expecting something terrible to happen. No, we cut to like this tiny house where Dolores is getting therapy. She's like, well, you know, I haven't had therapy in 17 years.

But, you know, I used to be a cop. I'm inherently a detective. I like to look at things. And I had a husband, you know, and we were like – it was like love. Everything was great. But then everything started to fall apart. He started cheating on me. He couldn't commit to me. And I was like, look at things. And I had a husband, you know, and we were like, it was like love. Everything was great. But then everything started to fall apart. He started cheating on me. I couldn't, he couldn't commit to me.

And I was like, okay, fine. So then I had a, then I had another man and then we were like all just like dating. And then he was even worse. So, I mean, like, honestly, I'm just rebuilding. Therapist is like hanging herself. Like, I don't normally like attention. Like, I don't even like attention. Like, I can't even handle it.

People trying to give me attention. I'm like, well, stop looking at me, you know. But these but these guys like they look at me and then they're gone like i'm alone you know what i mean like okay there am i crazy am i crazy she's like uh no you're not crazy but her time is up she's like oh yeah our time is up heard that one before that's what i didn't that's what he said before he left then he was just gone before i know what i'm eating donuts on on a thing she's like okay, okay, bye now, honey. We'll do this again next week. Ha!

Well, I'll tell you, that one made my first husband look like a Boy Scout. I put five years into that guy. She was like pushing her out. She's still like, okay, okay, that's enough. That's what my uterus

has been saying. That's enough. You know what? I got to learn how to take care of myself. So my arc is going to be masturbation, okay? My seasonal arc

is going to be how to masturbate. I'm selfless. I'm selfless to a fault. Okay, get the fuck out of my office. Oh, I didn't realize this was an office. I thought this was Snoopy's house. It's so small.

Also, it did look like the attic that Cameron works in with her mom on Southern Charm. I was like, oh, nice mom attic. But Dolores, when she's like, yeah, I like figuring things out because I'm a cop. I was in, oh, nice mom addict. But Dolores, when she's like, yeah, like I like figuring things out because I'm a cop. You know, like I was like in a police uniform. Okay, I transported prisoners. That's not a detective. She's like, I beat Carmen Sandiego ten times in a row once. I sat outside the OJ trial and literally won Tetris while he was getting in trouble in there.

It was crazy. I am this close to capturing the Hamburglar, okay? You are not a detective. It's like the new CBS show, The Prison Transporter. She just sits there and kind of listens to people talking in the back. She is sort of like a Lifetime drama, you know? Like, she's a cop, but she's also got problems. I don't know.

Yeah. She's a prison transporter, but she's also a mom who has blackouts. And possibly killed somebody, but can't remember. It's just one long monologue from Dolores in the patrol car while the criminal's, like, slitting its... It's like, fine! I confess! I did it! Just shut up, lady! Just shut up! They're like breaking

their own necks in transit. She's like, what? Like, like what? They did it to themselves. They literally did. I'm selfless. She's the opener, the middler, and the closer. You're on... You have the right to remain silent, and while you're remaining silent let me

tell you something about my first husband okay it started off it was in you know we first met on the bayonne okay we were at a club my hair was big and everything got there were so many sparks all right i did it i did it i robbed the bank oh oh i wasn't expecting that delores is too much and i'm and i'm loving that she says about 20 times in this episode, I'm just so quiet. I don't want attention. Normally, I just don't want attention. The worst thing in the world would be attention. Oh my god, it's my birthday right now. Did I mention that?

Isn't that crazy? I don't want to celebrate birthdays. Who does that? I don't want to celebrate. Sure, I'll have a party at your house. Yeah, let's have a party. Oh my god. So then back at the homestead, Teresa's making an espresso. An espresso. There we go.

At least someone's pronouncing it right again. So Gia wants to go to Montville for New Year's Eve. And so Teresa's like, you know, you've been a good girl. You get to go to Montville, you know, because you've been good. But Joe's like, no, you got to be back by midnight. And she's like, you know, you've been a good girl. You get to go to Montville, you know, because you've been good. But Joe is like, no, you've got to be back by midnight. And she's like, dad. And then Joe, that's when Joe is like, oh, shut your fat face, you little fat head. So funny.

And then she's, Teresa's like, yeah, well, she deserves to have fun, Joe. And he goes, yeah, whatever. Like, we were, we had to, oh to oh no this is when gorga right when she's like what would you do brother would you let it go and he's like well you know us like we were home we had to stay home we were with daddy every new year's eve until we got married i'm like yeah but you two had somebody to make out with each other exactly but by the way but but still though like joe i don't think that's appropriate for joe to call his daughter to tell his daughter shut your face you little fat head

is it me it's that it's jersey i mean like what are we gonna start like changing how everybody talks it's jersey it's how you say i love you that's true like you dumb little fat stupid head all right give me a hug come on so what who what? Who cares? So speaking of espressos, Jacqueline just had a few espressos and now she's wired and she shows up in Ashley's room and she's like, oh my God, it's girl time, girl time.

Oh, I took your makeup. Oh my God, you got the no slip hangers. That's so cool. Your clothes don't slip off them. Wow, Ashley. She's like, I need to get out of here. Ashley has become Jacqueline. She talks exactly like her. she keeps getting her face done so it's starting to look just like jackie's

and she's like well i bought more hangers but i'm just gonna be leaving anyway because like i have to have private time with my boyfriend i have needs and jackie's like well whatever like we have needs yeah and i can hear you mother like you're not quiet Jackie's like, well, whatever. Like, we have needs. Yeah, and I can hear you, mother. Like, you're not quiet. It's like, fast forward, please, before I grow a vagina and it sews itself up out of disgust. It's one of the worst images. I don't know what's a worse image. Jackie and Chris having sex or Ashley listening to them having sex.

Gross. Like, can a teenager do her Snapchat in private? It's like she has to keep redoing it because you just hear Jackie screaming in the background. Chris like, yeah, baby, black water, black water. So next up, Dolores visits Teresa at the house. And she's like, yeah, here I am at Teresa's house. Like, it's crazy. Like, normally I wouldn't come here.

But, you know, here I am because, you house. It's crazy. Normally I wouldn't come here, but here I am because I don't need attention. I'm like, I like Teresa. We're both cut from the same cloth. I'm like fake rabbit fur. We're both cut from fake rabbit fur. It's so funny. My first husband used to always say that. God, that was 17 years ago.

Can you believe it? 17 years ago since that first husband. But then I had a fiance. I had five years. I put time into that. He made the first guy look like a Boy Scout. Have I told this story before? I feel like I have told it before.

I don't know. Anyways. So what's new? Anyway, you know what's new? I don't have another husband. That's what's new. Anyway. You know what's new?

Not my house because I'm going into my old house, which is crazy because that's where I lived with my first husband. And now I'm like, how do I make this mine again? You know, like I want something new. It's anything new with you? Slap. Totally. Slap. So funny. my first husband and now i'm like how do i make this mind again you know like i want something new it's anything new with you slap totally slap so funny and have you noticed that she keeps saying things like she'll be like oh you know like theresa's busy not as busy as she was in jail i mean like this is like what is this like theresa can make it through prison but she's having a trouble in the driveway i'm like why do you keep bringing up prison in every sentence? Well, because I was a cop.

I don't know if you know this. I used to be a cop back then. I'm inherently a detective. I'm like a prison guard. Except I'm in my own prison, you know, because I don't have, I don't know where I live anymore. Like, I want to live with my old house, but I don't know. The old house belonged to the husband. The other house belonged to the fiancé.

But five years, that guy, God, he made the first guy look like a Boy Scout. So now I don't know which house to go into. I don't know. Maybe I'll have all houses, all three houses. Maybe I'll just have like a mobile home. I don't know which house they would go into. I don't know. Maybe I'll have all houses, all three houses. Maybe I'll just have like a mobile home. I don't know. It's crazy. All these years after being like a crazy, really tough, but with issues, lady detective patrol person like who transported prisoners.

Like I'm giving Teresa a ride to the nail place. Like full circle. Am I right? So while they're doing that, Melissa is at her boutique uh which is still under construction and she's with jackie her business partner who looks like frankie grande meets the old lady from something about mary which is funny because someone just tweeted at us that um kelly's mom from oc looks like the old lady from something about mary So it's kind of funny that Lynn Shay, the actress, is on both of our minds. Magda just keeps popping back up.

Magda. That was Plinky Plonky. Plinky Plonky is the one who also made the comment about. Oh, my God. My favorite game on Price is Right tweeted at us. At Grace EEC1. Everyone go follow at grace e e c one um so anyway um so they're with this this crazy lady and there's also this dude who looks like a zombie his mouth is open he practically has drool coming out and he just looks so confused that's why he's there in the first place. He does. He looks like Kristen Dowdy's voice sounds.

Like, seriously? So, the kids, Melissa's kids come in, and they don't like the store. So, Joe comes in, and she's like, yeah, well, we said we were going to open in two weeks,

Joe. And he's like, two weeks? I'm like Mr. Mom here. Like, it, well, we said we were going to open in two weeks, Joe. It's like two weeks. I'm like Mr. Mom here. Like, it's nuts. Like, these kids, like, I'm cleaning their butts. I'm giving them food. I got to, like, put them to bed. Like, I'm growing milk in my nipples here. Like, I don't want a part-time wife.

My nipple's leaking all over my shirt, babe. Like, you're a woman. Get home. Like, what the hell? Like, I'm jerking off in the kitchen. It's like, crazy. You're supposed to be home. She's like, you're embarrassing me in front of people, Joe. It's like, yeah? Well, guess

what else is embarrassing? My nuts, because no one's put them in the mouth for more than a week. Like, what the fuck, Melissa? Joe, that's so embarrassing. Stop saying these things in front of Jackie. And Deadface is still like, in the the corner and the lady's like okay well we'll finish what we can okay yeah so then meanwhile dolores has taken tree to get the nails done you welcome back to the play like she really does talk like that and

she's like hey miss you oh i. Oh, I miss you too. Like these two, they have the same voice, but with different accents. Yeah. And she's like, you know, when I went away, I was with a lot of girls. I'm like, you still can't say prison. You can say prison. It's okay. It's all right.

Martha Stewart went to the exact same prison that you went to. Say prison. She's like, yeah. You know, one time I got an ingrown toenail because I tried to cut my own toes and I'm not really good at it. Oh, my God. That hurts so much. It hurt like when I was having a baby. And then it cuts to her like the top of her lungs having a baby.

I also liked it. She's like, and when I was on the vacations, you know, if you wanted to get your hair done, the ladies did your hair. If you wanted to get your nails done, like, they did your nails. Like, that sounded really rough, Teresa. I love that they keep making it sound so rough. Like, yeah, I got to stay home except when I get my nails done, you know, then I can go out. She's like, one time I got shivved. I'm sorry.

No, I had an ingrown toenail. God, I was so rough in there. And Dolores, of course, sticking to script is like, so, Teresa, like, in prison, did they treat you worse because you was Teresa? Like, did they beat you up? Did they rape you? What was it like in prison? Did you guys have checkers in there? Tell me about prison.

What did your uniform fit like? What was that like? And Teresa's like, eh. You know how they tell you, you don't just, you know, you don't, what'd she say? You know how they say you you don't just, you know, you don't what you say? You know how they say, don't let the time do you. You just do the time. I met time. She's huge. You don't want to let it do

you. You'll be walking funny for like months. Okay. I just stay quiet. I'm sorry to be sad. I wasn't listening to what you said because my friend texted me to say it's my birthday. So, you know, anyway, it's my birthday. It's your birthday. Thank you.

Thank you. Oh, wow. Oh. And then on screen, bum, bum, bum, New Year's Eve 2015. 27 minutes since Teresa has been in jail. I'm like an invalid when it comes to having attention drawn to me. Sorry, I had that Dolores quote written down. I was like, what?

Sorry. Sorry, I moved it forward. No, that's all I really had to say. I was just like, what? So here's, I got annoyed again. Because Teresa's having a New Year's party, New Year's Eve party, which is fine. And Jacqueline was not invited, which makes sense. And so Jacqueline finds out about it and she's like, I was kind of disappointed.

Well, maybe you should have texted her, texted her or called her and then you would have gotten invited. Like you can't like not reach out to someone who you've had like a weird rocky thing with and then be shocked when you're not invited to the party oh and then miss innocent dolores who told her not who told theresa not to text her to anything in the first place is now invited to both yeah you see sneaky sneaky don't don't let the smile fool you those prison transporters are devious yes Yes. So then at the Giudice party, Melissa's sisters show up, which we haven't seen in a little bit. Lissy and the other one. And then Gia, I just have Gia going, Mom, seriously? Yeah, like I've been so stressed out since I was on vacations.

And so I didn't even cook the food. I had delivery at all i'm like wow you just had two trucks worth of catering come over where the fuck are you people getting your money where is it coming from exactly well you know it's reno he's a he's a family friend and i'm sure the twins are probably hiding behind the couch somewhere oh reno that makes more sense re Reno. Yeah, good old Reno. Yeah. I was like, ah! I possibly had sex with one of your mothers. All right, enjoy the raviolis, kids. I'm going to go to Santa's workshop, if you know what I'm saying. Yeah, I want to sit on Santa's lap.

Ha ha, kids. So meanwhile, over at Jacqueline's house,athy and richie and rosie they're all there um so i love this jacqueline is like upset that she didn't get invited to theresa's while she's fully having a party that i hate when people do that like i can't believe you didn't invite me to the to your party when you're hosting a party that you'd invite them to yes with all of her family that makes it even worse. It's all Teresa's family who also hate her. And they all just, like, gang up on her.

And she's like, yeah, but I remember the times when we were friends, me and Teresa. Like, we were close. And then they show a clip of their friendship. And Teresa's like, look at these chocolate balls. They got nuts in them. And then it shows Jacqueline rubbing her ass up against an elevator, and they're like, yeah. Great friendship.

Hey, remember that time we went on an elevator? Yeah, that was so great. Lucy and ethanol. Chris is like, yeah. They called themselves Lucy and ethanol. Shut up. So, meanwhile, it's getting later in the evening.

Richie, I'm so sorry I have to say this. Richie is wearing full-on makeup. He's wearing a full mouthful of lipstick and Sally Jesse Raphael glasses. What is happening with Richie? What's happening? He is just becoming the man we always knew he could be yes yes and then rosie was hilarious in this whole thing she just gets wasted and she's like my relationship with joe like it was fun you know because like when tree was awake like he'd call and i'd be like what's

up stupid and he'd be like you're dumb but now we don't call me yeah you know what no more miss nice rosie now rosie's gonna be a bitch on wheels all right you go rosie yeah exactly so now as the night's getting later melania's sleeping under a couch and first tree's like melania and then it's like oh well she likes to sleep there it's like wait this is normal oh god at least it's not in the salad section of a supermarket the only way to keep her off prepared turkey sandwiches so tree calls up jacqueline to say happy new year because dolores is about to head over so she Tree's like, Hi, Jacqueline. Which is like, Hi. And then Jacqueline goes, I'm sorry.

Tree's like, Jacqueline? And Jacqueline goes, Yes? It's Teresa. Oh, hi, Teresa. Like, a very cold response. Not like a, Hey, how's it going? It's like really cold and bitchy. She knows Teresa so well,

because the only reason Teresa called is because Dolores is like, gotta go. Gotta go to Jackie's. She goes, you're going to go to Jackie's? He's like, yeah. Oh, maybe I'll call her. Like maybe Jackie will be like, you want to come over? Like she's so obvious. She just gets so jealous.

And then Jacqueline's like, yeah, Teresa, blah, blah, blah. And someone goes, hi, Teresa. I think it was Kathy. She's like, yeah, Teresa, blah, blah, blah. And someone goes, hi, Teresa. I think it was Kathy. She's like, hi, Teresa. She goes, who's that? What?

No, no, no. It's not even, yeah, she goes, who's that? And then Jacqueline goes, your family says happy new year, which is so past the present.

Yes, it's so bitchy of her. I'm sorry. I think that Jacqueline was the bigger bitch in this situation. Because then she gets off the phone and she's like, that was weird. She was so cold. I'm like, yeah, because when she called you up, you were like, yes.

Listen, this is the way passive-aggressive women fight. And men too. But we see it mainly on these shows between women. And if someone calls up and you are cold first the other person's be cold you don't don't blame that other person for being cold you created you establish the coldness yes exactly jack don't make me take theresa side you

know i hate taking therese but then theresa jumps right into typical theresa when she's like oh oh so you you talk on the speakerphone now? And Jacqueline, like, she doesn't know that that's a law of the real housewives. You have to speak on speakerphone. You haven't been doing it for like seven seasons now. There's no hallway to crawl into, okay? They'll follow your ass. And she's like, yeah, I'm speaking on the speaker.

And she goes, how's your night going? She's like, oh, great. I'm having a party with my family and friends there's 36 people here so yeah these men are doomed I mean that shit that shit is hilarious

yeah they are just undermining their stupid faces so then Dolores goes over then everyone says happy new year and then gia comes home after necking some guy probably in montville and not drunk at all she's like i love you darling it's like gia you little stoner she came home all like lovey all of a sudden and just like yeah so what okay you know look this is the day that jesus turned toothpaste into the wine

okay so well who cares come sit on daddy's lap okay and the episode pretty much ends ends with gia crying in her grandma's arms and like hey you know what like uh so uh so you know this year next year i'm not gonna be here you know so what you know what's gonna matter what's the matter i'll just be in jail you know and i'll go to italy so you know, so what? You know, what's going to matter? What's the matter? I'll just be in jail, you know, and then I'll go to Italy. So, you know what? It's okay. Hey, Gia, you know, like next year, so what? Who cares?

Like, I won't be here. I'll be in jail. I'll have sex there, right? Like, people are going to have sex with people in jail, right, Gia? What'd you read on the internet, huh? Hey, hey, hey, Tree, look at this fat face

crying your stupid eyes out, huh? Look at him. Look at those stupid tears. Like, little fat tears. I love your stupid, fat, stupid, dumb, fat face. Yeah, what you going to do? What you going to do? I love your stupid, fat, stupid, dumb, fat face. What you gonna do? What you gonna do?

I love that that's his only question about jail. All right, you're about to be put in the penitentiary for a zillion years. Any questions? I get to fuck people, right? Like, I get a blowjob here, right? And now, Shazza Sunset. Let's wrap it up with a quick review of Shaw's a sunset. Let's see.

Let's just go through the characters as usual. Gigi was the same shit. Like, I'm never talking to Reza again. Yeah, fuck that pussy ass stupid. You know what? That guy's like a vagina. He's like a flappy vagina stupid. Fuck that guy.

I was like, okay. Yeah, guy. I was like, okay. Yeah. Thanks. I'm like, how's that chemo working with your Michelada at El Compadre, by the way? How's that working? How's your RA now? It took her like three minutes to order that drink. It was so long.

So she didn't do anything this episode. Sure then, he's basically still FaceTiming with his Australian Barbie girl. Who says you can't get a beard online? That's right. That girl's like a Snapchat filter that puts a beard on you when you look into the camera. He's like, so Asa took some pretty cool snapshots of us. So you got to come back from Australia for it. She's like, all right, I'll be there in a second.

Lots of us. You got to come back from Australia for it. She's like, all right, I'll be there in a second. Like, you're going to fly from Australia to Los Angeles to see some, like, pics from an old Kodak Advantix? No. Have you started bottoming Phenomia yet? He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, it's not this conversation.

Okay, camera's here. Sorry about that, dole. Reza went on a date with his mother um she's nice that was cute yeah he's like you see my dad didn't do anything and i'm not but at the end my mom wins because she has me and my dad has nothing my mom my mom gets an, and my dad gets a D, and, you know, I think I'm gonna get a C. Hey, whoever had... Which motherfuckers in here ever got a bad grade, right?

Am I right, everyone? Come on, all y'all motherfuckers. Your old son walks around with a diamond squid brooch. No one wins. Yeah. But that mom was nice because she was like, we love Adam. He's wonderful. We're so

lovely. We love him so happy. I just want my son to be happy. I was like, you know, in a show that gives a lot of airtime to the awfulness of Vita, it's nice to have a good supportive mother of a gay son. He is hairy enough to be a real

Persian wife. Oh, that's so nice. A little otter that tame gay is. So the other stuff was MJ and Tommy. Play some baseball

like the Mets. Hey, you want to hold the bat babe yeah i don't like to catch a ball unless it's in my mouth it's like you're both disgusting human beings fun watching you though fast forward yeah that was the only thing that mj did basically this episode yeah i talked to him about loads yeah asa helped mike write a letter to jessica which was hilarious because mike has to realize by now that jessica's not interested it was like she's like okay babe this is what you write babe i miss you babe let's come on over let's watch babe together or babe big in the city babe anyone babe bye babe babe i'm so like sorry because like you're the most important thing to me babe and like i didn't do good things so

like come back babe great one and then she started talking about her own relationship because she took pictures of reza and adam and she's like yeah babe this is for my you know photo book of relationships and they show the picture of her and germaine for her book and it's just the back of his head and she's turning around smiling that was hilarious he won't even be in a picture you know it's gotta be bad when a jackson refuses to appear on reality tv but you know it's like this is those jacksons have dealt with a lot of embarrassment in their life they have a thick skin when it comes to fame and this if this guy's like i'm drawing the line with shazza sunset yeah they sold a reality show the second Michael Jackson died

to get money off of his name more quickly. I mean, they're disgusting. So yeah, you're right. It was pretty amazing that one of them's like, you can get the back of my head unless I own 20% of this show. But you know what though? She knows.

She's like, she's not going to force him on the show because I was like, I forget what this guy looks like. I did a Google search. He is fine. She's like, you know, she knows. She's like, she's not going to force him on the show because I was like, I forget what this guy looks like. I did a Google search. He is fine. It was like, she's like, you know what? He's loaded. He's super hot.

I'll let him have his space. Yeah, exactly. I'm not going to ruin this one with reality TV. Well, it's not like this show has helped anybody else's relationship. That's for sure. Yeah, that's true. So Asa, Asa, Adam and reza went to palm springs at one point they looked at a hideous house which was admittedly hideous but i think when you have a condo that

has like chevron going in every different direction you really can't talk about over-tiled motifs i know i thought when did this cast start minding walls made out of marble when did that happen? Yeah So they're looking for a place They take some pictures It was kind of boring That storyline at least I was amused by that house

And I did like when Reza was like My little gay heart is frowning And dying right now I was sort of amused Squid broach Yeah, exactly and dying right now. I was sort of amused. Squid broach. Yeah, exactly. So then Reza goes to Sprinkles with

was it MJ? Yeah, it was MJ. I would like the velvet ice cream with velvet cake and a velvet cupcake and I don't know, what's on top? What should I get on top? He's like, do you want velvet cake on top of it too? He's like, yeah! Put, what's on top? What should I get on top? He's like, do you want velvet cake on top of it too? He's like, yeah, put some velvet cake on top.

Jesus. It took two separate Sprinkle employees to bring them their orders. I never wanted Sprinkles as much though. I was like, oh my God, I want some Sprinkles cupcakes. But it was funny because they were talking about something during that scene. And I was like, I'm so happy. It's amazing. Me and Adam, we're like, I'm so happy. It's amazing. Me and Adam, we're like, our love is like so meant to be.

What about Mike's piece of shit life? And Mike's terrible. Juju's faking an illness. I know. And they were talking about something where they were like, that's so white. That's so white. Like, that's just like too white for me. And then all of a sudden the employee is like, and here's your sprinkles cupcakes. I was like, that's just like too white for me and then all of a sudden the employee is like and here's your sprinkles cupcakes i was like that's pretty white too there is nothing wider

than pretend rich people at sprinkles so then they're like hey you know what's going on with jessica why don't we call her i'm like i'm sure that's what jessica wants she's going through this divorce she just wants to move past these wretched people and they keep calling her to try to get in up in her business so finally jessica had the smart idea of just disconnecting her damn phone and they're like wow jessica disconnected her phone that's like so crazy that's like so non-persians persons be like hey let's call all the time and like talk about things but white people like disconnected am i right motherfuckers am i right like who does that like who's a cord cutter like that's so white of jessica like that's crazy like if a person gets mad at you like they'll connect more okay they'll like double

connect like their phone will be so connected you call it and it's like hello hello because it'll like it'll be connected two times. So the real drama of the episode, which is something I found to be very stressful, because it lasted like 20 minutes of air time. That Sammy has gained 600 pounds? That Sammy is back. No, so Mike, Entrepreneur of the Year, future Shark Tank winner, has decided, yo, yo man sneakerhead like like if like i wish jessica were with me so that way like we could spend all this time you know just

working my shoes together but she's not here but he's having a launch a launch party for his shoes and since he's so on top of everything he decided to have his shoes sent in the day of the launch party and guess what they all got stuck in customs in Mexico because they were flown into Tijuana, and then they're going to be driven up, which sounds inherently shady, okay? So it's five hours before the event happens, and the only way that they can get the shoes across the border

is if Mike goes down to the border, which I don't even understand how that works either. This show't make any sense he's like man can you believe it customs is closed on saturday it's like no they're not the fuck are you talking about it's like oh we have to go to san diego now and then he won't answer the phone he's like two hours late to his own party and people are like where are you bro he's like i don't even want to answer because like all i have to say to them is fuck you fuck fuck you, you're stupid, and fuck you. I'm like, what is your problem? It is.

Yeah. They couldn't get their pink kids through. I mean, what are these shoes, first of all? They're so ugly. And he's like, and then I had to take the shoes out of the box and, like, now I have to put them back on a box and, like, put the box back together because, oh, my God. And then the minivan that shows up, he keeps calling them my Mexicans. He yeah when i see my mexicans oh yeah who's that the mexicans and then his partner's like hello juanito yeah well i was i was stressed out because anyone who lives in this area knows that uh if your party starts in five hours to go drive down to Tijuana and then back, only in the perfect driving conditions can you do that in five hours.

That doesn't take into consideration whatever you have to do at customs. And of course, there's traffic. And I'm watching it. And his party goes from 6 to 8. And there's a hard out. And I'm watching it. And it's like 6.30. And he has 65 miles to go and in

la with traffic like 65 miles is an hour and a half at least and i was just like oh my god this is so stressful this is worse than when charie did not have clothes at the premiere of she by charie this is a disaster i was getting so stressed out and then he wasn't answering his phone and everyone was wondering where he was. And that lady from Kitson was like, I can't believe I let all these Persians into my courtyard. I know. What was that? It was like the community courtyard of some low-rent place in the valley. Like some low-rent home apartment building.

No, it was on Robertson. What was it? It was on Robertson. That was Kitson. And Mike finally gets there. With like 15 minutes to spare. He hasn't told anyone what's going on. There's like finally gets there. With like 15 minutes to spare. He hasn't told anyone what's going on. There's like 10 people there.

They're like. Yeah. And of course, he's turning everything into like, I can't help but think that like if Jessica were still here, she'd be like holding down the base in LA. Like, I'm like, stop it, Mike. This has nothing to do with Jessica. You organized this terribly. Such a victim. It's making me crazy.

All I want is to have her back. Like, you know,essica like she's judging me on the man i used to be not the man i am today i'm like you how you cheated like five minutes ago okay it's not like she's coming up with shit from kindergarten for you to be mad at dude you cheated on her multiple times recently and um you know we always have this theory that wherever the shots of sunset go wherever restaurant a bar they go to it shuts down about two months later well sure enough at the end of this whole episode bravo puts up another chiron and it's like kits in later shut down and mike's like i was like yep he destroyed 17 stores of kits in all went down the drain because they went there but also oh sorry go

ahead i was gonna say what an odd chiron to put up i didn't know if it was like making fun of the situation or being empathetic oh no the producers are shitting on his head this whole year he must be a nightmare behind the scenes because they hate him they hate him they have they have been so uncool to him that whole thing where they're like, did you cheat? Well, did you cheat on her? Well, did you cheat on her? And finally they broke him down. I mean, that shit was funny. But I think this might explain why this shoe company will never be successful.

Quotes like this. And he's like, yeah, you know, this company is something I wanted to build with Jessica where she could just sit back, you know, and we could build an empire. I'm like, that's not how you build an empire. He's like, I'm going to sit back'm like, that's not how you build an empire. She's like, I'm going to sit back. Like, that's not how you build shit. And then when he's talking to Matthew or Edward, whatever the guy's name is, and he's like, I can't believe all these things were in my head, and now they're, like, here.

It's like, those shoes designed by some Mexicans that you're, like, paying a license fee for. My God, ain't nobody believing your bullshit and then his mexicans drive up and they have a white minivan with a bernie sticker lols i didn't even notice the bernie so that's hilarious so good well it was i was like heavily invested in this part of disaster and i even texted you in the middle of i was like this is so stressful but but at least the shoes... For some reason, I just... If he had just missed his party,

I'd be like, I can't deal with how disorganized this is. At least he had 10 minutes to show off his shoes, and all was well. The order was restored. Next week looks amazing. Vida and Mike. Mike looks drunk at MJ's wedding, and then Vida starts

telling everybody off, and it looks like she objects, which is... I mean, please, if she stands up and she's the objection at MJ's wedding, I will just... I'll have a TV, guys. I'm just speaking of. And it's kind of the same preview as Orange County where Mike yells at Vita, like, why did you cheat

on your husband, which is what happened in the Orange County preview. So it looks like we should have a pretty big episode next week. Maybe Shaz will even get a proper treatment next week. Who knows? We'll see. Oh, yeah. You mean like a longer recap? Yeah. Who knows? We'll see. We'll see what happens. Yeah. I mean, sometimes there's stuff to talk about

and sometimes it's Reza crying while he's eating five flatbreads at a time with his drunk mom. Like, what are you going to do? Anyway, we got to wrap this up. Wrapping off. Everybody, thank you so much for do? Anyway, we got to wrap this up. Wrap in. Off. Everybody, thank you so much for listening to Watch What Crappens.

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