Watch What Crappens - #312: The Complete Lydiot's Guide To Melbourne

Episode Date: July 21, 2016

So much to talk about today: Melbourne is back! The premiere is tomorrow, but we've got the recap today! Then it's on to the latest exploits of RHONY. Plus, The Bravos and some subpar developments on Below Deck: Med. Great stuff! 00:00:00 - Intro 00:04:37 - Crappens Mailbag 00:20:35 - The Bravos 00:32:40 - Real Housewives of Melbourne Premiere 01:31:23 - Real Housewives of New York City 02:07:28 - Below Deck Med Subscribe at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

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of theresa judas um hi jacqueline you're sonorous maybe it's sonorous i don't know or maybe the word just doesn't exist either way it, it's Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV, the Rose Pricks Podcast, and Big Brother Smotherer Podcast. Hi, Ronnie. Ja. Hallo. I'm already a little wired. You know why?

Because I got my traditional Starbucks iced coffee. I got my venti iced coffee. But guess what? They were out of venti cups, so I got my venti in a trenti, and I think that they accidentally gave me a trenti, so it's on. I think I got a trenti in a trenti, to be honest.

The trenti Thursday. It's a trenti Thursday. Trenti Thursday. I mean, it was filled all the way to the top. I mean, that's a trenti. That's a trenti. So, everyone, thanks for coming here and listening to us. can uh find us on watch

our crappins.com which is where all our social media links are come join us there go check out our twitter uh what at what crappins where we have polls going up ronnie posted a good one yesterday uh facebook.com forward slash watch for crappens is our Facebook page, our community. It's an excellent, excellent community. Okay? It's amazing. It really is the best. So if you want to extend the Watcher Crappens experience or join in on the conversation or talk back the podcast, you go to our Facebook page, and that's where it's all happening.

It's all happening! it's all happening um and of course and of course you can support us uh on facebook on patreon.com slash watch for crappins where you can uh donate as as much or as little as you want and get access to cool things like a weekly bonus episode. We have 30 minutes to 60 minutes of extra content every single week. Like this week, we've been talking about Food Network Star a lot because we're obsessed with it in a sort of a hate watch way. And who knows what else we talked about? RNC, perhaps. And there's also a Google Hangout that we're doing next Thursday, which is the 28th.

That's also for our Patreon supporters. So that is the news there. And more housekeeping than usual. Something really cool that's starting up in August, August 3rd to be specific. Ronnie and I have been tapped by TuneIn, the service TuneIn, it's an app, it's a streaming service. We have been tapped by them to do a Bravo gossip show. So that's going to be happening on Wednesdays on TuneIn. It's a really cool platform where they've got,

they have access to every single sports game and unlimited audio books and all sorts of craziness. News, music, and now us. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. So that's, I think, the end of our plugs.

I think we got them all in did I miss anything Ronnie? that's it Ben? it was a lot today but we're really excited about it tune in and in the meantime it's time to open up the Crapman's Mailbag Fresh new mailbag with all sorts of content in it. Let's see.

Where should we start? Should we start with Lori? Because don't we just love Lori? Some Lori-an. We love Lori. She says I hope you watched the Bravos Because I couldn't

Five seconds of badly acted Home shopping network schtick And I was done I look forward to your review My question Based on Sonya's reaction to Bethany's blink And you will miss it olive branch to her Is another remake

Of the Manchurian Candidate being filmed without our knowledge. Raymond Shaw, Bethany Frankel is most kindest, bravest person I know. You may be absolutely right, Laurie. It was pretty quick how

pretty strange how quick Sonia went back to Bethany. She did. Well, Bethany is in charge and is getting everybody fired. So all the poor women are like, be nice to Bethany. Yeah. I don't care. Fuck Carol.

I hope Carol dies. I don't even care about Carol. I hope Carol gets kicked in the face by a camel. But be nice to Bethany. Listen, I never saw the original Manchurian Candidate, but I saw the remake, which featured Meryl Streep chomping on ice cubes. And if they are remaking it, then I just hope they somehow extract that scene and put in the new one. Because that's what I think this whole scenario needs, Meryl Streep chomping on ice. They've remade the Manchurian Candidate already two times.

I think there's three versions. Yeah, I think there's three versions of that out and i think and um we could definitely use another one i would like to see andy just ending up as a terrorist yeah no yeah that you know he kind of is one already because he's unleashed the terror that was the bravo awards on us yes it would be it would explain so much why when you watch watch what happens and he's like leaning back but it he's like look i'm comfortable it's like a party every day but he looks so uncomfortable it would explain a lot you know he's like trying to be he's like trying to make us think he's comfortable but he's really not and that eye it's like it looks like it's wonky but if you just press it like a cave will open up and like scud missiles will start coming out.

He always looks like he's getting a blowjob off of Grindr. You know, he has a smile on his face. He's leaning back. He's enjoying life at that moment. But you can tell he's thinking, is this the smartest thing I could be doing with my time right now? Like, is this going to haunt me later? Yeah. That's what i think um yeah uh but you know the the truth is if the manchurian candidate were made were remade with the real houses of new york

city it would be so fitting because let's see was the original one had angela lansbury in it right yes and then meryl streep was in another one i don't know about the third one but the point is there's always a gay icon in the in the mantra and candidate so real house in new york city it's just i mean countess luann done countess tom it's probably tom but it has to be a lead i guess countess luann is playing the role of Meryl Streep in Angela Lansbury. That's what I say. Who has a kid on that show? I guess it would only be Bethany, right?

Does anybody else even have? Well, I guess we could pick an older kid. Like, Ramona has a kid. What if Ramona was the Hillary Clinton and her kid was, like, the one that they were going to make president? But it's like the president of the hair extensions company that Ramona owns. That's my daughter.

Like she's not – she's just here for some Kool-Aid. Like what the heck? She has nothing to say about anything. And then she like leads her daughter to take over the entire hair extensions business. Wait, I'm trying to remember even what the story was about. I know that someone gets brainwashed into killing someone else and there's an evil mother.

Is it that the evil mother is Ramona and Avery is the candidate? Yes. Has the candidate been brainwashed also and is just following the mother's agenda? Is that what it was? Kind of, yeah. So the evil mother in the movie is been brainwashed also as just following the mother's agenda is that what it was yeah so the mutt the evil mother in the movie is um is um what's her puns uh meryl street slash yeah and

she has this son who's got like kind of a cabbage face kid uh face what's his name he's on the driver yeah he's got like a little scrunched up cabbage patch face. But oddly hot, yeah. Yeah, oddly hot. It's his twinkly eyes. Yeah. It's like how you can tell Santa Claus is hot. Those like twinkly eyes. Yeah.

And he's running for politics and this and that. But then something goes off. Like once he becomes, I don't know, mayor of Palm Springs or whatever it is the president something goes off in him and it turns out he was asleep i settled this whole time but he didn't even know it right and then meryl streep's like yeah but denzel washington um was like also this happened he was in the experiment and now he's crazy and they're trying to kill him because he's gonna out everyone or something like that i don't know oh yeah he's the one who like knows he's like the helpful one yeah i probably should watch the original i actually love the remake i thought it was great um but yeah i could totally survive okay avery all right you're going to address

this you're going to address the student assembly right now okay because you're running for president student assembly okay okay all you have to do is get up there and say yay we assembled and then she gets up there and she's like oh there she goes that's my girl everyone's like ramona it's like i have no idea okay it's the worst remake of adventure and yes yeah it's two scenes long and it just ends with my i had no idea oh yeah okay and then ramona just goes you know i'm sorry i'm sorry okay it was not the right time okay to brainwash my daughter okay i'm sorry it was you're right it was not the right time you know i just miss us i miss us okay i miss us okay like i could have turned her into a terrorist at a different time i just seemed like everything was going like that okay susumi like let's face it it's done so you

know what she's not brainwashed okay she's renewed all right i'm sorry it's day class a to not be renewed okay oh lord what else is in that damn mail okay oliver haskins um i want the brass plant mister that carol used on tonight's oh i see the brass plant mister i thought he was saying hey mister i want the brass plant hey mister he want okay oliver wants the brass plant mister that carol used on tonight's uh real house was new york city it's 21 in amazon should i buy it knowing that at some point i'll be compelled to tell a visitor to my home that i bought it because i saw carol using it yes you absolutely should buy it absolutely yes get that mister i like that it looks like a weird old lady perfume bottle yeah that's his plant look okay

she's probably just spraying like chanel on like chanel for men onto fake ass flowers from tuesday morning you know she is well it could have been worse they could have been from steinmart okay mike bowman uh asks oh mike mike mike is great we love mike Mike. Mike asks, which Real Housewife do you think do you guys think would win on Big Brother? It has to be... Well, the winner is always someone who's like

blah. And if they have too much personality, they get voted off early. So it probably has to be something of like a... Someone like Yoice might win. or maybe like a yoice yeah or like um cindy bar shop well i think we would have to come up with the final three and then see who wins so i think that because you know that's when it gets tricky so it has to be someone who's like really strong who only makes it to number three and then two people like a

floater and then someone awful who managed to get into the mix right like lisa vanderpump would be in the final three yeah and everybody would be like wait a second she's manipulated everything and she'd be like manipulated what darling what did i do i didn't do anything they'll be wait a second lisa was the first one to not like that girl and hey that girl was me the least at that time we got her kicked off Do you remember that And then they would realize And so they'd kick her off

So she would be like third place Then there'd be someone that you just hate Who like you didn't really hate in the beginning of the season But by the end of the season you're like I hate this person how did they even get this far And I'm thinking Well I was thinking Oh it could be like Yolanda right I always hated that bitch No I was thinking oh it could be like Yolanda right

I always hated that bitch no I was thinking Andrea from Melbourne Andrea from Melbourne yeah that's true she did become hateful at the last second she's like the exact epitome of a hateful Big Brother star like and then being like oh she's sort of annoying

and then by the end of the season you're like this bitch has to go immediately. Let me give you some friendly advice, Lisa Vanderpump. You're a terrible person. Hey, jury, what do you call someone who wins a million dollars? Not me, because I'm only up for $500,000. It's all right, I'll get the audience favorite. Just a little friendly advice.

Here's how you should vote. Vote for Andrea. And they all do when she's out. That's how you get out. People vote for you. She's so stupid. She's like, vote for me. And they do. You're like, damn it. What were you thinking for the Andrea

role? Well, when you describe somebody that everybody really likes at first and then turns awful, the Andrea role as the hateful one. When you describe somebody that everybody really likes at first and then turns awful, the biggest example of that to me is Brandy. It's like a literal Lisa Vanderpump thing where she's like, I thought you were

my friend! She's like, well, I was, but then you tried to force me to bring magazines. That stupid thing where it came out of nowhere and Lisa was blindsided on a bus. I think Brandy would be this like number one or two on the jury. You know, like she'd be fine in the beginning of the season and then like then she'd become hateful. But she's like almost she's so she's too loud to make it to the end. It's got to be someone who just quietly is awful and more and more off

like think of i always think of natalie from i think it was big brother 11 she was like this like girl who loved um uh joey is that his name joey the the bodybuilder oh yeah yeah is that name joey that doesn't sound right he looked like like a Joey, though, right? Yeah. Matt. Matt. No, it wasn't Matt. Either way, she was just like this generic person all season, and then she just became more and more awful. And you're like, ugh, just get her off the show already. Well, the person who wins is the person you never see winning. And I think it's kind of like real life. Like, they keep trying to kick them off, but then they come back.

it's kind of like real life. Like they keep trying to kick them off, but then they come back, but then they'll be here and like, maybe, you know, in one of the Zingbot games and then they're out again. And then they,

they get brought back by the audience, you know, the audience ski ball game or whatever, where the audience votes, who gets to play ski ball and win a spot back on the show. In other words, sure. Ray,

sure. Ray would probably end up winning this whole fucking thing. She'd be brought back in the last second in some stupid challenge, and then she'd win. People would be like, well, we all hate Sharae. But Brandi peed in her bed and laughed about it. You know, something like that. Like Brandi took off her pants and then sat on the Cheetos. I feel like it wouldn't be Sharae because she's too explosive at times.

I feel like it has to be someone almost forgettable but likable in their own way. Someone like Lydia from OC. Who? Oh, Deshawn. How about Deshawn Snow? Yeah, Deshawn Snow. Yeah, Deshawn Snow. She wins the whole thing. Yeah, she'll be like, I'm donating this money to charity.

Hopefully I won $19 million. the whole thing yeah she'll be like i'm donating this money to charity hopefully i won 19 million dollars and they're like uh actually here's a pack of gum and 20 and she'd be like you're welcome poor people um okay so deliza d well this will be our last one because we have a big uh we have a lot to cover on this episode show today being yeah. Who knows? We may have to go strong on mailbag when the Olympics start because we don't know what sort of programming

Bravo's going to have. So don't y'all worry. There'll be plenty of mailbag to come in the future. DeLaza D, she says, love your voices and personalities together.

You have great audio chemistry if that's a thing. Please don't stop. And thank you for sharing Watch What Crappens history info. Very interesting and different than what I imagined. I,

uh, Oh, well, thank you. I thought for sure it would involve an Uber ride for Patty Lapone concert. No, sadly,

I wish that's how I wish. Sorry to ruin your joke there, Deliza, by the way, I thought your question was going to nevermind. So Ben, which of Ronnie's Bravo Liberty impressions is your favorite? And Ronnie, same question for you.

Gosh, Ronnie has so many good ones. I love your Carol impersonation because you imbue this crackly old lady voice with this sense of frailty and odd sweetness. You sort of do this lilting thing which i think is absolutely hilarious that's i think that might be one of my favorites um the madison hildebrand laughed laugh is classic um you know your kim richards is so good i like to do a kim richards like 20 characters but yeah no but like the kim richards is this is by the way what an insufferable moment for people to tune into or us complimenting each other but like your kim richards is amazing um i i wish i have like an okay kim richards i like to do kim richards only because i like to do the

jokes associated with it but honestly you it's all you with the voice um and there's that's enough oh my god okay there's some other ones i feel like there's a one that's really good that i'm missing so oh vicky i like your vicky too i don't know it's not even close i like that you pick the ones that like are totally just me being drunk um my favorite of yours by far like you have a lot of good ones but my by far is ramona i mean it just fucking kills me every time. And you also do a really good Luann. All of mine come from New York for some reason. Thank you. I never thought my Luann was anything special.

I just sort of just speak like this. That's all. That's how she speaks. And also, I used to like how you always said, well, broad. I can never do it right. Well, broad. I wish it's very well, broad. I can never do it right.

Wild pride. That's just very wild pride. I reserve the right to update my opinions on your impersonations because you do. I feel like there's one or two out there that are just, like, magnificent. But the Carol one really cracks me up. Oh, stupid Carol. I love her. Oh, I love when you do however as Gretchen. That cracks me up.

Well, thank you, Ben. And thank you, everybody who does the crappin' smoo-boog. Yeah. Thank you, everyone. We will get back to more questions next week. If you have any questions you want to pile on, just add them to the post on Patreon. It's just sitting right there. And in the meantime, let's go.

Let's wrap up. Let's close up the band. Okay. Rondal, why don't you tell the people what is on deck for us today? Because it's a lot. Well, I would like to say, happy Melbourne day, everybody! It's finally back!

It's back! We have been dying for this show to come back, and it is finally back. We're actually recording Melbourne a day before it airs so that we can have the freshest recap, even though it's like airing a year after it aired in Australia, but the freshest recap that can be had on the internet.

Outside of Turok. Outside of Turok. So these will be every Friday, the Real Housewives of Melbourne. Or every Thursday, rather. And we are also doing Real Housewives of New York. Okay. Okay. And then we're going to do a little check-in on Below Deck Med and the Bravos.

Because guess what happened yesterday, Bane? What? The people who own Kick-Ass Torrents were arrested and thrown in jail. Really? And the torrent, yes. I'm so upset. I didn't know. And, of course, today I'm trying to steal my TV.

Now, before you FBI people get all pissy, I also pay for cable, okay? But I will download to not have to watch commercials. And I don't have a DVR because it's too much money. Wow, my timing is good. I downloaded from an unknown source the Melbourne episode literally Tuesday night. So, wow.

Good timing. Yeah, so the Bravos, the point is not to steal people because God won't like that. But the point is that I did not get the Bravo. So I had to go on to stupid Bravo TV dot com and bling and then watch a bunch of clips of Andy like, you know, her from playing checkers and you know him because he's chubby checker or whatever stupid things are. But I had to watch some clips from it. checker or whatever stupid things are but i had to watch some clips from it um and the only thing i got to see besides andy being stupid and leaning back and trying to look comfortable even though he's not was erica jane's opening number wow well it was okay well then oh that um i'm just looking

at this kick-ass torrence thing okay why don't we just talk about the bravos real quickly before we get into anything it doesn't because i want know. Really, one of the worst hours that has ever been broadcast on the history of the Bravo Network stemming from the 80s when it was first founded. Truly, truly awful. It made me wonder about our golden crappies. Is our crappies special as bad as this? Because if it is, we will stop. It was so, so bad. is this because if it is we will stop it was so so bad and like as as laurie said it opened up with this horrific skit where andy cohen was watching tv and and like various um bravo

liberties were hawking their quote-unquote wares on on a home shopping network like the way it was like if you want to get the be cool, don't be uncool hula hoop, just dial in here, you know? No! So she had a hula hoop that someone doing something. All I saw, it was just like, but here was the worst part of that. So they were doing, it was really stupid. Like, it was supposed to be an opening skit. Fine.

And then Laura Linney gets dragged into this mess. This is an Academy Award nominated actress, a national treasure. And she is dragged into this mess this is an academy award nominated actress a national treasure and she is dragged into the stupid skit i'm like what she does she deserves better than this and i know we had a whole discussion about her recently and i don't remember what we concluded but i think whatever it was we can definitely agree that she does not deserve to be in a stupid bravo skit from watch what happens, she knows. I mean, that dumb hoe was on Watch What Happens, and Andy made an ass out of her.

And he's like, what's your most embarrassing story, Laura Linney? And she's like, well, when I was in the theater. I was like, oh, fuck all of you, okay, click. She was hawking a Laura Linty remover roller thing. I mean, it was so stupid. She had, like, a lint roller. It was like the Laura Linty remover roller thing. It was so stupid. She had like a lint roller. It was like the Laura Lint remover. It was so, so bad.

You thought being in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was the bottom for Laura Linney. You thought wrong. And so Andy's watching it and then someone starts, oh, Nini comes on with her new face and she's like, bloop, like we're selling crappy i'm

not crappy um the bravo award and andy's like oh my god i forgot that we're doing a bravo award show he calls rob he's like i need bravo awards right it was i mean it was so stupid and i was like this is what this is going to be and then the awards open up they are taking place in the clubhouse so i'm like okay uh but quote unquote simulcast from someplace in la where that jenny pulos is hosting and uh it reminded me of when i was working at the fox reality network and and fox reality uh hosted uh the reallys the really awards no and it was just like this reallys the real eyes this real this it was a truly low rent award show but at least that had categories that were interesting like

best reality star or worst reality or best villain this one the categories were like best best makeup or something you know or whatever it was i don't know yeah they were like almost most shady it's like oh shut up um okay i only watched the beginning but it was erica jane like she's that was actually in the middle of the show it was in the middle of the show yeah oh it's okay i thought that was the opening and i was like wow way to kick it off so she's not even pretending to lip sync yeah like she's just moving the mic away. And it's like. And then people are lifting her up.

And then they show the audience. This audience was really sad. Okay. It was all the interns. Everybody there, you know, I ain't age shaming. But everybody there was 20 and in like a black dress from Filene's Basement. It was like a $5 dress.

And they were pretending to dance because, you know, like when you go see a show and they're like, okay, look like you're talking, but don't talk, we're taping. It looked like that. They're all like dancing to some different beat. And it's like a sea of, you know, semi-homely 20-year-old like interns.

And they'd show Jax, you know, just trying to put his fingers in anything that he can. I was like, this show is too terrible already. Where's the rest? Yeah. Where's the rest? It was beyond awful. The award girl in the New York side of the show was Gia, who looked lovely.

And Teresa won the first award, which was something like Best Comeback. So of course she wins Best Award. I'm sure Best Comeback. Remember how she got out of her car four minutes after she got out of jail? What about Comeback? Her lawyer was in the audience. I was like, of course he's here.

She gets out. So here's the way it works. She wins the award, so she comes out from this little curtain thing that's in the audience. She walks through. She goes up to a little podium. She gives a fake speech. And then she sits down on the couch and Andy starts asking her questions.

And I was like, this is – it was just really – it was just bizarre because when she was giving the speech, Andy is sitting back in his chair doing that blowjob look, you know, that we talked about, you know, where he leans back and he smiles almost as if he is somehow like the recipient of the award, like they're talking about how wonderful he is. It's a Lifetime Achievement Award or something. So then she sits down

and so it's like more like, how are you? Things are great. It's like, do we need more couch time with Teresa? It's just how many times do we have to hear what this woman has to say? And she never has anything to say. He'll be like, how we need more couch time with Teresa? It's just, how many times do we have to hear what this woman has to say? And she never has anything to say. He'll be like, how are you, Teresa?

And she's like, great makeup. Cooked by Fatalini. And he's like, oh, great, Teresa. So great. You're my favorite. It basically was a parade of all of his favorites, except I don't think Bethany won anything. But so then, you know, Candy Burris won an award, so she came out and then she was sitting there. And then Phaedra won an award.

Michael Rappaport won an award for being, I think, a super fan or something like that. Khloe Kardashian won one for best pantsuit. What? The thing is this. What's Khloe Kardashian on? suit just like what the thing is this what's kardashian on what i was there was a there was a one of the categories was best pantsuit and so because she was on watch she was on watch what happens live in a pantsuit so she won it oh my god he's such an ass licker why would a guest of a talk show win something on your network that's cuckoo that's well because they want to load it

with celebrities slash promote watch what happens because it's andy the andy cohen show like the the thing is i'm not opposed to goofy categories like pantsuit or whatever but i just feel like with our crappies i feel like we do it better i feel like we are more like we think about the like what we as fans would want to what sort of awards we'd want to dole out, you know? Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world.

Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus.

early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less.

In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Yeah,

and they're for fun. I mean, we make fun of it and those are being serious, but you're being serious with the Pantsuit Award. Yeah, I think that's the thing. There's a way to do a tongue-in-cheek award show for Bravo on Bravo, hosted by Andy Cohen, but this was not. This just felt I don't know how to fix it, but it was broken and it was

awful but two bright spots one there was I think was it for Shadiest I think Caroline Stanbury was uh nominated and I just loved that Caroline made it into the nominees uh just because I I am always afraid for Ladies of London and for me it's like a little bit of a vote of confidence from the network that they'd include her in this ridiculous show and the Bravo star of the year wound up being Patricia from Southern Charm and she

actually showed up for her first time ever meeting Andy Cohen and he was actually shocked he was surprised so I thought that was pretty cool I'm a temptress! Ah! Thank you for coming by, Miss Erika. It was awful.

It was awful. Well, thank you then, whoever, you know, thank you whatever FBI agent took down Kick-Ass Torrance then because I should have watched that and I didn't, so sorry. Yeah, so the reason why Kick-ass torrence went down according to gizmodo is that he had a facebook account or a facebook he basically had like an apple email and facebook a facebook page and lots of ways for the feds to find him. So there you go. He's like, come download things illegally. I'll show you how on my Facebook and my Twitter.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

By the way, the rumors are Vicky has been trying to get Gretchen back on real house. No, Ronnie. Now you're stupid. Please Gretchen, shut up. Shut up. You're stupid.

Stupid. Gretchen, the matador is going to be fine. He's not going to get hurt. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. And just for the sake of it. I said that we're going to be celebrating Camille.

Somebody else's. Yeah, the same day that we hear about our friend's split. So upsetting. Oh, speaking of her, I think she was one of the dumb hoes dancing next to Jax. Yeah. Oh, geez, Camille. You can tell Camille's awkward, off-rhythm hip dancing anywhere while she's sucking in and making her fish face. Yeah.

She was one of the presenters, one of the West Coast presenters. I'd like to present. Camille would like to present. I don't want to find a war for you. Pantsuit. Yeah. Yeah. So exciting.

Oh, so exciting. Oh my god. Favorite moment of all time. Okay, so here we are on Watch What Crappens. Finally. What do you want to talk about first? Do you want to talk about New York first? I feel like we should talk about Melbourne. Season premiere. Melbourne!

I feel like it's time to contextualize our australian accents once again well i think it's time to open with this show i pick it i think every year is my favorite show with the crappy awards and uh i do my terrible accent of it all year long um yeah and i love it i know i love it so i start watching it i'm like oh yeah i finally get to watch it i love it i did not remember how much i love it this show is one of the funniest fucking things i had to actually pause and i'm very opposed to pausing okay i'll be here all damn day if i start pausing this shit i paused it to laugh like 10 times. Yeah, it's good.

The thing that's weird with Melbourne is, because it's for the Australian format, the show is an actual 60 minutes long. And it also, the pacing is slightly different than the American versions. And there'll be moments where there's like no music playing. So sometimes it has like a weird vibe. But man, these women are funny funny and especially if you download the episodes from some unknown

source it's uncensored so you hear them fully cursing and saying like things like fucking shit you know go fuck yourself it's great they curse so much in this one by the uh in the last scene all they did it was just two women screaming and yelling and cursing at each other dying dying laughing I mean the last line of the episode was Gamble going oh go fuck yourself pediflur and everyone was like

as if they hadn't just sat there and listened to an hour of people screaming at each other so we open with Wolfpack, yes. Wolfie! They were like, previously on the real high swaths of Melbourne. Wolfie!

Successful. For those of you who are new to the show, Wolfie is Gamble. Yes, her name is Gamble. Gamble Bro, I think is her name. She found this guy on Match.com, this old real sweet guy. He's like, I love you, darling. Wolfie, who's going to marry you?

We're going to have a marriage that will be offensive to Asian people. I'm looking forward to it. Okay, so I wrote some last season. We do not need to get into last season. If you did not watch it, please do because you're missing a lot about the world. It's great. You should see it. Go find it anywhere.

Find it. Buy it if you have to. Oh, so we opened with. And buy the first season, too, even more. Oh, yeah. Oh, I didn't write down all the opening lines, but I love how they try and plug their stupid products. And on Melbourne, they're always the best products. Like, Janet's like,

I may not be for everyone, but I'm my own cup of tea. Like, oh jeez, Janet. Okay, you're gonna sell tons of tea now. Yeah. I'm surprised Gina wasn't like, I may be a barrister, but that doesn't mean I won't get on

my soapbox. I might be a barrister, but that doesn't mean I won't get on my soapbox. I might be a barrister, but that doesn't mean I can't wear an Easter shirt. She's like selling T-shirts. That doesn't even make sense, Gina. Or Pettifleur's like, I may have switched the bitch too hard because the son I love has moved away. That's just her line. It's just more of a confessional moment. I used to be behind

switch the bitch, but now my son is gone. She comes dangling in on a moon. Gina has 10 pounds of fake hair. Let's see. Yeah, Gina's actually didn't make any sense that was another one i wrote down she's like persistence is the if persistence is no persistence is king and i'm the queen of it yeah it's like oh great she's persistent

i'm surprised um lydia wasn't like i believe the children are our future, which is why I've all hired them to clean my house. So we open with Chica, who's got a new face. I've never seen somebody who's gotten a new face, Ben. I think it's just had maybe some fillers or refreshed. I don't think she had plastic surgery. refreshed i don't think she had plastic surgery ben i've she looks like and i love chica but she looks like this weird almost reversed facelift i started noticing this on people bethany sheena people who go in for faceless but instead of lifting it they're like i don't lock my chin and they're like okay we'll take off the entire lower face of your you know the lower half of

your face who does that like she has this pointy little face now and then her head is so full of filler she's got this huge upper head but thankfully the still hair still the same hair uh her cockatiel hair i you know what i think uh you're making it sound way more dramatic than it is if she had anything i don't think it was nearly as insane as anything else you've seen on any women uh i love chica because she is the only one on all these shows who seems to like have a head on her shoulders and is a like a good old sweetie pie what was the joke pointy head very well what was what was the thing we would always joke about her doing last year what was it she always walked in

say things like oh i like this quite a lot i. I forget what it was. She'd be like, oh, look at these cabinets. I love these cabinets. What you've done with the cabinets? I've never seen drawers that slide open and then close like that. Yeah, she's always dumbfounded by things. And in this case, she's picking out a necklace. And Bruce is like, all right there, Chica.

Chica, you're going to find a necklace. Good thing you don't have too many of them. Oh, look, there's another drawer full of them. Oh, look, there's another one. Oh, aren't right there, Chica. Chica, you're going to find a necklace. Good thing you don't have too many of them. Oh, look, there's another drawer full of them. Oh, look, there's another one. Oh, aren't I right, Chica? Get my jig, give a lot of necklaces. Yeah, the first scene was Chica, which really scared me. Chica looking through drawers of plastic necklaces.

Yeah. So there's going to be a book club because Chica has a book club, but it's not the same as other book clubs you might be too this is fabulous we've got hummus we've got other things that have been put into the blender we also have a book but fabulous books like you know girl on a train is just um what's that movie with ben affleck yeah where is what is it uh girl girl. Girl Bye. Girl Bye. This is just like the low rent version of Girl Bye. You know that, right?

She's like, who cares? We won't read it. We'll be too busy having fabulous shampoos and hummus. Well, Janet was excited. She's like, how exciting going to book club. Everybody's going to book club.et is excited for everything at all times oh book club i love book club hello darling are those crackers you have on your table good for you darling i. I quite like assaulting.

I like when the doorbell rings and she goes like, I'll be back in a seccy. And Jackie, the rock star. Why wouldn't people love me? I'm gorgeous. I'm thin. And I'm rich. And I speak to your dead relatives.

So Jackie's coming and she's like, when I think of book club, I think libraries, old women, cats, old ratty vaginas, cats. And cavemen, you know, because clubs. So Susie comes in. Susie's the new one. She sort of looks like a mix between Kylie Minogue and Joan Collins, right?

And what we learn is that she is quite well known in Melbourne. She loves to bake. And she has hot sons named Monty and Rufus, except his name is Rupert. But I thought he said Rufus at first because I can't understand half the things she says. She does it so quietly. Yeah. yeah um so uh chica is like i know suzy because her first husband is a good old friend of bruce's school and i was like uh oh so you two are like the wives in brokeback mountain basically yeah essentially you're the blonde one with emotional issues that you won't show

and the other girl is from the princess diaries yeah yeah calling it now um i i liked when suzy talked about her her husbands but i swear to god when she mentioned her second husband who they were together for six months and i could not understand what she said it was his name rudd butters i could not understand i wrote she was married to butters right you know my my ex-husband run butters i loved when she was talking to her i loved when she was talking to her okay first of all red flags all over the place with this lady she's like well we were together we were very happy but you know we've married for five months i was like oh, uh-oh, you cheated. Because no man is going to go through all that trouble to marry your beautiful ass and then get married.

You cheated. I already see it coming. Or he cheated. Hello, Shazza Sunset. No, no, not with the prenup. You don't care. You do not care with the prenup. You're like, have fun with that.

Yeah. I don't think Mike made her sign a prenup is my point. Okay, so the kids are like, Ma, we don't like you made her sign a prenup is my point so the kids are like Maul we don't like you being alone Maul you should be on a dating site and she's like I won't do it we're going to sign you up on Tinder and she goes the flaky one

I don't know why that's so funny and then she made this cake that looked like a giant bird nest that had jizz on top of it basically everything she makes is a meringue everything she's like I love to bake made this cake that looked like a giant bird nest that had jizz on top of it you know basically everything she makes is a meringue everything yeah she's like i love to bake meringues that's it you've been three meringues in one episode let me guess you're coming out with a meringue cookbook i want to invite all the girls to pavlova fest 2016

i'm gonna have a party called baking day. Oh, geez. Shocker. So Janet sees Susie come in. She's like, Susie, I haven't seen you in ages. Oh, we go way back for 10 years. Janet's like, Susie Single again Such a big wedding in Melbourne And everything and now nothing

Oh Susie Jesus Janet I know And then everyone's talking About people and for some reason Everyone wants to know about Petty Fleur I don't know what Petty Fleur is up to What's going on with Petty Fleur And so it cuts about Petty Fleur. They're like, I said, I haven't spoken to Petty Fleur lately.

I don't know what Petty Fleur is up to. What's going on with Petty Fleur? And so it cuts to Petty Fleur walking through the hipster part of Melbourne. There's like, like cool street art and graffiti on the walls. And she is wearing a full on like glam white fur situation. And she looks so beyond out of place it was actually classic pediflur fur new face giant hair hysterical yeah and no one's seen her because i've been overseas to a health retreat slash everyone hates her but go on yes yeah she's been in hiding because the

world is like fuck you so she's been hiding in some health retreat so she goes to meet lydia who i don't even remember who likes and who hates each other on this show i just assume they all hated each other because this year they've already changed all their minds yeah the ones who hated each other like each other now yeah like gina getting ahead a little bit but gina and petty fleur are suddenly friends which came out of nowhere and i think l and Petty Fleur were friends at the end of last season. I think that started to happen on their trip to the Philippines. But we can tell that there's going to be a falling out with Petty Fleur right away because Lydia's like, you know, I would call Petty Fleur a friend.

You know, we're new. So just, you know, just a friend. I'm like, okay okay she hates the bitch yes this scene was so funny because they were so like stereotypical housewives just going up against each other even though they're supposed to be friends uh petty floor keeps dropping her ginormous purse on the ground and i don't know why it was so funny but she kept doing it over and over and then switched the bitch on the gravity? Yeah, she's like, oh, I put purse back on the table. Oh, it fell again.

This is hilarious. Lydia's like, oh, oh, oh, oh. Lydia's enjoying it, yeah. So Lydia, she's like, where have you been, Lydia? What was your summer? And Lydia's like, well, I went to London. Yeah, it was wonderful. It was a holloy. It was, it was wonderful. It was a highlight.

It was a highlight. It was a highlight. It was a highlight. It was a highlight of lords. Now there was a highlight. And Petty Fleur's like, oh, lovely. What's a Shane there? What's his name? Shane Warren.

She's like, was Shane Warren there, huh? Well, of course. He was commentating. But why'd you ask? Yeah, I know. Petty Fleur is like going in for the good. Well, of course, he was commentating, but why'd you ask? Yeah, I know. Shpitty Fleur is like going in for the good. She's like, let me get the dirt on you right now at the beginning of the season.

But I love every time they said Shane Warren, everyone pronounced it differently. Some people are like, Sha-wa. Sha-wa? Sha-wa? A sham-wow. Lydia's cheating with a sham-wow, basically. I wouldn't put it past her. It's just so soft.

You can judge me all you want to. But when I met that Sham, I said, wow. So she's talking about, so if you guys didn't see last season, she goes to this poker fundraising that she's holding. And she's all over, and this guy is all over her, this cricket player named Shane. Oh, no. His name is, I think her name is Cash. I'm sorry. I don't know why I came up with Shane. I think it's Cash Warren.

I don't know. I think it was, oh, I don't know what his name is. And that's crazy because they said it. I think it's Shane. No, it's not Cash Warren. I thought it was Shane, too, but I'm looking up. I did a Google search for Shane Warren, and nothing's coming up. Well, I've written Shane down 30 times, so it's got to be.

Oh, no. Oh, you know what it is? It's Shane Warren. W-A-R-N-E. Warren. Oh. That's why I thought I was like, why are they saying Warren in such a strange way? Warren. Warren. You should have looked up highlight cricketer.

Highlight. Highlight of the summer. It is a real highlight. You know, out of all the cricketers, that was a highlight. That was a highlight. They should make a whole magazine about it called Highlights. And I'll just be ashamed. In various states of Undress, but who cares? My husband doesn't

he trust me. So Pettiflor is like, Oh yes, you were just watching. Did you dance with him? Okay, Pettiflor. I love Pettiflor's version of pornography. She's like, did he ever hold your hand to take you out of the car?

Or did he ever escort you to the buffet? Did he do a sultry dance in front of the moon? And Lydia, I don't understand why people think I have an intimate relationship with the highlight cricket of St Shane Warren. By the way,

why would Pedder Fleur expect Lydia on TV with a camera in her face to be like, oh yes, we fucked. We fucked all over the River Thames. Why would she ever say that? Of course she was like, no, oh no, of course not. I've still got a bit of him

inside me. It was a real highlight i've got a bit of highlight still inside of me does it look like fluorescent yellow in there because i still have a little bit of highlight in there so we're intercutting between this and the book club just having the time of her life at and so janet start telling the gossip she's like everyone's talking about janet and shane warren and i think that i think that lydia might be a bit mad at me because one night i got a text from the Shane Warren and he asked me out and I said,

Shane, I'm at an appearance right now for tea. And he said, come out after. And everyone's like, They all turn into Andrea. A little bit of friendly advice, Shane. If you want a booty call, just ask for it. By the way, if you haven't watched season one of melbourne or even season two watch it because we're making a lot of references so if

you're confused if nothing makes sense to you like a reference to moons or andrea and a little bit of advice it's all references to season one and two yeah it's all there these podcasts are long enough without explaining sorry i gotta get the one or two of Melbourne. Oh, no, no. I'm just telling them, like, sorry if it sounds confusing, but that's why. So Chica goes, well, that sounds like a booty call. She's like, yes, it was.

I think it was. I'm like, yes, Janet. I'm sure St. Warren's like, come over, Janet. Yeah. So we then learn a little bit about um uh lydia and janet's feud which i i guess started with the reunion i don't even remember what happened at the reunion but they i guess they just don't like each other and and they got into like i think lydia called um uh uh janet uh a grandma and and a dumb cow.

And so then Janet called her, said, tweeted, get over it, Lydia. And Lydia has, that's, you might as well have just said every vile word because that's what this was to her. And Lydia goes, she called me Lydia. How disgusting. Like, you idiot. Like, while she's mad that someone calls her an idiot, she doesn't know how to say disgusting. This entire episode was Lydia trying to figure out words. Yeah, no, Lydia is taking the fall this season.

It is obvious. So back with Lydia and Petifleur. Since Petifleur basically tried to put lydia on the spot lydia's like okay i'll return the favor frenemy and uh and she she turns pediflur's like oh your skin looks wonderful have you had work and then why would you think this i've never had work in my life yeah and that's that yeah so pediflur is like no work let me tell you something gamble bitch she's spreading rumors that i've had work done i just love how she goes gamble bitch talking shit about me they really go for each other

right at the beginning i mean they're all just going right after each other either even suzy at book club is like well you know what they say about lydia when there's smoke there's fire oh no that's like whipping out a sword in the housewives world you don't ever say that by the way i think gamble spreading rumors about pedofleur having having worked on was probably her just saying hey look at this picture of pedofleur doesn't she have a new face yes she does i mean that's not it's not rumors if you have a new face okay you have a new face a new does i mean that's not it's not rumors if you have a new face okay you have a new face a new body and 20 pounds of hair like you can't even put your purse down properly that's how unfitted your face is like you can't it's like when you cut holes in a new

paper bag to wear on halloween but you're not used to it yet and you just they keep covering your eyes and you start running into trees while you're trying to trick-or-treat. Exactly. That's exactly what I was thinking. So we learned the reason why Petaflur is so mad at Gamble really is not about these rumors. It's because Petaflur is now stuck in a legal battle with Omarosa. Which continues to be one of the most amazing

reality show crossovers. Can you believe what she did to me? She gets me in trouble. I got letter from overseas. Yeah. Well, it's not like she made you steal the title of a book. Yeah, exactly. That's not Gamble's fault for pointing it out.

I mean, you basically copied, came very close to a name of Omarosa's book. And you did it on tv and it was bound to happen and amarosa will sue a curb she will she'll be like i was walking in the street and that curb tried to kill me like well you have to step up yeah you know i don't i don't mess i wouldn't mess with them i you know you know me i love amarosa yeah i wouldn't mess with but i'm not gonna mess with her anytime soon i'm just i'm mess with her anytime soon. I'm staying on her good side. I don't care if she's working for Trump right now. I'm staying on her good side.

Yeah, that bitch is nuts. So, Petty Flores payback. She's like, payback is a bitch. I have gossip on Gamble. And then Lydia goes, well, two rights don't make a right. And then Teddy goes, no, no, it's two rights don't make a wrong yeah which is also wrong what the hell i know and then and then it's lydia trying to talk it out two rots don't make a two rots two rots take it a two rock because you make two rights to get to two no two rots make a right

but it's the right that's not a rock no a wrong is not a right but two wrongs. No, two rights make a right, but it's the right that's not a right. No, a wrong is not a right, but two wrongs make a wrong. No, two rights don't make a wrong, but it's two wrongs. If you go right two times, when will you go left? Now, if you take a left, that doesn't mean you're going right.

It means you're going left. Thanks, Lydia. And her final is, two wrongs don't make, well, it's not necessarily right. She got there. She workshopped it. So her gossip, Petaflora's big gossip is, oh, I know the friend who is on the sugar daddy.com. And my friend is only on there because, you know, she'd like sugar.

So she's on sugar daddy.com and she sees Mr. Wolfie. And Lydia goes, well, if he's got money and he wants to sugar it on her and good on him. Of course, Lydia is going to be sympathetic because she has a sugar daddy. She's married to an old gay guy. Like what is she going to stand up against sugar daddies now all of a sudden?

But the best part is that, so, Petaflur's like, yeah, Wolfie was on, they met on sugardaddy.com. Can you believe it? And Lydia's like, yeah, I don't think it's so bad. And Petaflur's response is, you're supposed to be my friend! Like, what?

That wasn't a betrayal. Like, what a bitchy thing to be like, you should be lapping this up. The fact that you are not as impressed by this means that you're not a good friend. Like, you are a crazy bitch, Petty Fleur. No kidding. And you also just were trying to out her for having an affair on national TV less than two minutes ago. Yeah. And then Petty Fleur is like, I can't believe Lydia isn't supporting me.

Oh, I didn't realize the journey that you've been on finding this really minor gossip that no one cares about. Sorry. So then we get to morning and we're in Gamble's house. And Gamble is like the queen of getting crazy work done on her face. She'll still wear like those eye tape things under whatever wig she's got on. So her eyes are always pulled back at different angles. It's hilarious. I just wrote Dan, did Gamble sleep in a headstand?

What the hell? The top of her head is totally flat like a table. You know that woman, Jocelyn Wildenstein or whatever, who has made her face look like a cat? I feel like Flounder is going... I feel like Gamble is going for a Flounder. I even i feel like flounder is going i mean i feel like gamble's going for a

flounder i even called her a flounder oh she's planning a wedding movie i don't even know like what are you talking about you cannot even move your damn mouth anymore yeah she uh her whole thing is that she um she's she's got to plan the big wedding um and then we cut while she's doing that we then cut to giner um who now has an assistant it's weird i'm looking at my notes now they sort of like spliced up these scenes. So Gamble is getting ready for her wedding. Gina is now with an assistant, this guy named Josh, who looks absolutely terrified. And the news with Gina is that she's doing a fragrance. She's like, it needs to be encapsulated.

The ultimate drag queen. It's got to say, hey, listen up, beauty. Get out of my inside and onto my outside right this minute. My vagrants needs to encapsulate woody, smoky, warm. Possibly she has a penis. Exotic and a bit of aquanet. But it can't sell for just $12. It's got to sell for $40.

This guy, she's got this teenage gay guy who, you know, God bless him, wearing eyeshadow and is just completely slack-jawed. Like, he is literally slack-jawed. He's sitting there the whole time going, uh. She's like, well, you know, we've got material. There's some gold letterings that say Team Gina. And he's like, uh. Uh.

All right, then. What's the guy's name from goonies that like the butterfingers or the baby roots um i don't remember that jerry o'connell's character i don't know he had like the melty face he was like hidden under the caverns what was oh yeah i don't remember his name i know i haven't seen Goonies in like 20 years. Yeah, he's like that guy. He's like, uh. Alright then, I've got t-shirts. I've got a fragrance coming. We've got some books. Hey, how's the books going? And he's like, uh.

Alright then. Thanks for coming over, Josh. Thanks, Josh. You insignificant ass hair. Ass hair. Back at Gamble's. Wait, before you get back to thanks josh you're in skin ass hair ass hair and back at gambles gambles like wait wait but before you before you get back oh sorry we have more there yeah the one thing is that so gina suzy calls up gina and says that she's gonna have a baking party and um she invites gina and out of

nowhere gina's like all right shall we how about let me invite gamble because gamble is a wonderful person she's a friend of mine and how about pediflora too you know she's i don't want to leave her out i'm like what since when did gina invite pediflora to something i thought gina got off by leaving someone out seems a bit mean to leave her out okay weird turnover gina i know i don't want her to feel like an insignificant ass hair. I want her to feel like a significant ass hair. And she asks about the bake. She's like, is this a sun bake? Because I don't do that. I have

a spray tan. It's like dark brown. There is no spray tan that's dark brown. How are you getting that? So we keep cutting back and forth and Gamble's like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. We're going with a prenup, so we know what will happen at the end of our relationship.

Yeah. So romantic, don't they? Yeah, exactly. Gamble's friend Alan has come over, and he's designing the dress and planning the wedding. Okay, if anybody's wondering what Alan looks like, it's if I played the role of squiggy in a musical i mean that guy is me as squiggy like oh my god i'm on tv love my yellow jacket oh gosh um gamble uh wants to do a chinese opera theme for a wedding which seems like it's already very problematic if katie perry can't do it i don't think you can gamble he's like would you like a wedding

dress in pearls and she's like oh now i do oh i thought i thought he said pills not pearls i saw i was like oh she's kind of funny She wants to do pills on her wedding dress I would actually believe that on this show So she's like Oh I want to show you a couple Places of a wedding dress And he looks horrified She goes over to this vision board thing That she's made

It's all red feathers and Chinese fans And like fortune cookies And chopsticks She basically went to Panda Express beforehand and got an idea. That's what happened. And she's like, and he's like, so he's like,

so you want to have geishas? And she's like, no, silly. That's Japanese. I can't believe you don't know the difference between the two countries. Anyway, I want a samurai sword to cut the cake.

I'm like, bitch, that's Japanese too. I like when he goes, he goes, well, Chinese is the name. Have you considered Filipino? He said, are you going to invite Petty Fleur? And she goes, of course I'm going to invite her.

I hate the bitch. I haven't initiated any grievances against Petty Fleur, except for the book. So funny. So then we go over to Lydia and her husband. And she's now doing damage control she's like yeah it's craziest thing people keep thinking i had sex with shane warne which of course i never do even though those cricket men are so hot and cute in their in their whites and he's like they're creams like i love men and creams i was like oh girl you better watch out what you're

saying well her husband seems either semi-gay or just he doesn't care like they're obviously in some kind of open relationship because he's just laughing it's like you'll never believe the tan is saying that i'm fucking this guy and he's like well all you did you take any pictures i didn't see anything in the iCloud you know poof poof give lady Puff give, lady. She goes, I really missed my husband. I missed my morning cup of coffee. It's like, you are so romantic. Yeah. Jesus.

I wish I could share this highlight with you. Highlight. She goes, don't ask me about cricket. I was just there watching. And he goes, why? Like, Andrew loves teasing me. me i love you're not jealous hanging out with all those cute cricketers he's like after party here babe after party why do you think so many of them are married to gay guys on this show it may just be that's the way older australian men with money sound you know it could be a cultural thing what we think is gay is

really just prominence in australian in australia you think i don't know i don't know this guy seems pretty amused she's like blatantly banging somebody she's obviously banging this guy yeah so then um then we meet up with jackie jackie and ben at dennis the menace talking about book club could you believe book club it's so nice to see somebody transitioning on national television ben is going to make an amazing lesbian oh he really will i feel like ben should get into like a power group with um what's his aaron hendrith from dallas they just have they have like a rock and roll you know lady hair rock and roll group yeah he's got some weird

ironed lady hair going on yeah it was like it was working a little bit but now it's starting to veer into that Aaron Hendrith space and I'm not sure how I feel about that and there is not a husband in Melbourne who loves gossiping with his wife more than being

tell me about the book club tell me about the Not a husband in Melbourne who loves gossiping with his wife. More than Ben. Yeah. Tell me about the book club. Tell me about the who's mad at who. I wouldn't like that if they said about me. Tell me what was she wearing? What were her shoes like? What was the hummus like? So basically they just gossip about all the women.

Was Chica wearing a new necklace? I hear she has a lot of them in lots of different cabinets. Bruce, he told me. Please tell me that Chica hasn't changed her hair. Never once. All right, I'm still in. I've got a chubby. So then we go over to see Chica.

Chica, the most exciting person in Melbourne with her gay husband. What's his name? You've missed the section, haven't you? I don't know. Are you talking about the lesson? Oh, my God. Maid car? You missed that.

Yeah. Big old section. Because now we go back to Lydia. How could I? So we go back to Lydia, who's talking to her daughter slash housekeeper, Joanna. And the issue is that Lydia no longer has a car. And she's like, He took back my post.

He's buying me a new one. I was like, wow, nice reward for getting some cricket ass. It's really late. So she's like, Could you imagine me in this huge city? Carless. Carless. Honestly, I could. It's really not a very difficult thing. There's such a thing called Uber. I-less. Car-less. Like, honestly, I could.

It's really not a very difficult thing. Like, there's such a thing called Uber. I think that exists even in Melbourne. I love how she says it. She's like, Could you imagine me in this gigantic city without a car? So many right turns to be made

by someone else. Two rights make a right she's her daughter maid looks terrified she's just like not smiling at all and she's like now tell me about your car does it handle corners well and she's like and our corner she's like oh that's right listen if you ask people around they'll tell you i'm a snob and i'm not but show me a car it's like this little suzuki she's like yeah in my car and figaro runs away and she's like i don't think figaro likes your car joanna yeah and by the way lydia's pitch to joanna about why this will be a great experience for both of them is that they can talk about sponges and washing

powders if that's not the most patronizing thing for a boss to tell their housekeeper you'll be great because i know that because you wash my house you inherently love talking about washing powders and detergents i know that's your passion in life my daughter made oh we could talk about bath powders do you think you can get a seatbelt for figaro and the lady's just looking at her like bitch yeah she is like when people see me in joanna's car it will actually tell you what a snob i'm so not i'm like well no you're still a snob and the fact that you just said that is a reminder that you're doing this just to make yourself look humble when you are such a snob that you refuse to sit in the front seat with her you sit in the back because you need to be

chauffeured around oh my god lydia sitting in the back of a little suzuki was one of the funniest things i've seen in a long time i mean what a bitch saying like we're gonna talk a little bit we're old friends and then she goes in the back seat driving miss daisy driving miss driving miss lydia lydia. And Joanna drives fine. And she's like, left, left. That's a left. This is a left. She's using her hand motions. She's like, this is a left.

Right, Joanna. Left, left. Left, Joanna. Left, Joanna. You've told her left 20 times. She knows left now, okay? She's like learned it, okay? How many times? Right, left. Are you two backed up? You need to be safe, Joanna.

Joanna's got my life in her hands. Right, Joanna. Joanna, I did not raise you to be such a rebel, okay? I'm your mother. Listen to me. Stop this car right now, Joanna. Stop it right now. You're acting out of line.

So funny. Speaking of daughters with car issues, now we go back to Chica. Because Chessie, their daughter Chessie, Chica and Brucie's daughter Chessie, while they were away for eight weeks, guess what? Chessie did something wrong. Who would have thought?

When parents go away for eight weeks, their daughter is going to mess something up. Now, Chessie, I want you to tell me the truth. When we were gone, did you or did you not drive my car? And she's like, no, Dad. No, Dad. Well, tell me this. Is it true or not true that there's a scrape on my car?

I don't know, Dad. And Chica's like, you need to take this seriously, Missy. You need to take it. This was actually an episode of Australia's version of The Closer. All right. I'm going to ask you kindly again. Did you do it? I mean, maybe.

I went to the grocery store. Do you think I'm dumb now, Chester? Do you think I'm dumb? I know you think I'm handsome, but am I dumb too? No, Dad. I, the boys at work, check the odometer. And they're 78 kilometres, so I'm not sure what store you went to. But it wasn't the local one.

And she's like, I just wanted to stop my friends from drink driving again. We can have a drink drive. That was hilarious. My friends just wanted to have a drink drive. I wanted to be responsible there. And she was like, no, Jessie. Jessie's a good person.

But, you know, she needs to do the right thing. And then Jessie's crying. He's like, alright, now. You've been honest with me. I'm like, no, she hasn't. You had to, like, drag everything out of her. And then they end up apologizing to her. And the mom's like, would you like a pie now, dear?

Like, jeez. Like, no, would you like a cuddle? Shall we go and have a cup of tea? And Jessie's, like, traumatized. Like, look at the scratch, Jessie. Look at it. Look at what you did to Mr. Carr. All right, Mr. Carr's sad.

Hey, Mr. Carr, show us on your hood where Jessie scratched you. I didn't mean to, Mr. Carr. show us on your hood where Jesse scratched you. I didn't mean to, Mr. Carr. I didn't mean to. I just didn't want a drink drawer, Mr. Carr. Did you scratch the car? I didn't know I had done. I swear I didn't. I didn't know I was doing.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'll never do it again, Dad. You want a cuddle? Not with you, Dad. And then, like, I was sort of, like, was sort of waiting for the end of Perfect Strangers music, like the thoughtful piano to play when everyone talks about the lessons they learned. You know, we don't care about the scratch, Chessa. We just care that you lied to us.

We don't want you to lie about the principal. I'll never lie again, I swear! Balki learns. Group hug. And yet, it's like, by the way, we're making fun of it, but I was like, these are good. I actually think they're good parents. Except for not ever making that girl suffer for anything ever.

Chica's like, we've got her when she turned 18. We've got her a mini right away. But it's been sitting in the driveway because she won't get a driver's license. Okay. So congrats on that car you never had to work for. And congrats on not having to even pay for all the scratches you got on this one. And then she lied the whole time and never told the truth. And they're like, good job.

Good job, Chessie. Good job, Chessie. Let's have some tea to celebrate your scratch abilities. You know, I have to say I've seen a lot of scratches in my time. But yours is certainly the best one. There's three panels. Three panels. Good job, girl.

Bruce and I, we're proud of Chessie. Did you see those big scratches? Chessie. Oh, we should have been honest about it. So Lydia and Gamble have lunch. Now, this is another pair. I don't remember being friends, but apparently they are. And they're eating.

And Gamble, I don't know how they got in this, but Gamble's like, oh, yes, because Lydia's like, oh, yes, London. What a highlight. You know, she's going on her thing. Gamble is like oh yes I know that now I used to have a boyfriend and his family had a self ridges and Lydia's like oh yes I love to shop

and she goes if it's not my only head of self ridges I thought they sold fridges so they start talking about Janet and and i believe gamble at this point starts to suggest that janet may have alzheimer's because she's being prickly oh this is great so liddy everything lydia bad everything bad she has to say about janet has to do with her age every scene she's like can you believe janet i hope that she's not about to die of old age, and that's why she's talking about me.

Poor Janet. She probably thinks she's having a heart attack right now because she's so old. I wonder if she's going to get some sudden speech from some brain fever last stages. Well, I hope we can enjoy the bake party. Someone remind Janet to bring her teeth. I'd hate for her not to be able to choose the bake.

And then Gamble's like, ah, Selfridge's joke. And Lydia goes, ha ha ha, you're so funny. However, I'm a Lyddiot. Apparently. Apparently. And Gamble jumps right on the the boat when lydia's like oh i think she's a wonderful person janet i just wonder that she might have some loose screws as she gets older and gamble's like yes that's the sign of old timers oh my god it was so wonderfully underhanded um and then of course lydia all in the guise of

helping pedofleur and gamble's relationship quote i'm doing air quotes around my little microphone uh lydia's like no i just want you to know that uh pedofleur she's been saying that you met wolfie on sugardaddy.com and i think that you two really need to mend your relationship, she's been saying that you met Wolfie on sugardaddy.com. And I think that you two really need to mend your relationship. Because she's been saying a lot of things about you. Like, for instance, that you're a big slut. You know? Gamble's like, oh, everybody. Everybody's on sugardaddy.com.

You know, because Gamble hates a rumor. She hates rumors. Well, you know when Gamble's lying. Because the last big rumor about Gamble I still think was totally true. And you can tell. And this one is the same thing. Gamble's face does not move until she's lying. And then this one she's like, I've never seen you open your mouth that big.

Liar. This is totally, totally true. Yeah, absolutely. And she's like, that's disgusting. Oh, what a slut, slut. Slut, slut. She's's like, that's disgusting. Oh, what a slut slag. Slag, slut. She's a slag and a slut. Lydia goes, yeah, she said you were a black widow.

Oh, black widow. What was that? Yes, you know, black widow. I'm not black, a black widow. Have I killed anyone? You can't see through me. Why is she saying I'm a widow? No, widow, not window.

Oh, well, okay. Yes, winter windows have a race. No, no, black widow. Really? Because Peleflor likes to heads off and eat some rattlesheets for some slag. She's a praying slag mantis. Camel goes, Walker, don't wake the dragon.

You're fucked, girl. Oh, no. So now it's time, finally, for the baking party. Susie's baking party. Everyone is having a lovely time. Everything's going great. And then here comes the Suzukizuki with lydia in the back seat riding on up joanna about to blink blink blink blink blink joanna blink blink blink

so um uh she comes in and there's already some iciness between her and Janet. Um, which was cause she goes in to kind of hug Janet, like to be nice and Janet pulls away. And then I love that Janet goes, I'm glad Lydia didn't kiss me because then I didn't want to have to not kiss her. Thank goodness you not kissed me before I had to not kiss her. Okay. okay oh then petty floor alive arrives and she's like oh hello i'm petty floor i was invited by gino so he's like yes yes come in so lydia is fucking somebody else right give it a break let you let your meringue finish first. Then Petaflur also had

the most strained metaphor of the episode when she talked about her and Gina's relationship. She's like, it's like two prickly pears and the prickles are gone. It's been skinned and ready for eating. So Gina, for whatever reason, sits over to the side. Also, I would like to thank Gabble for taking the place of Magali of Real Housewives of Cheshire.

Because Magali left that show, so Gamble is taking over the sound effects lady. She's like, oh, they sent me into this party, and I thought, no! State. I'm like, okay. Well said. State. I'm like, okay. Well said.

So Gina and Pettiflor are sitting alone, and Pettiflor is like, Gina, I would like to thank you so much for helping me with the legal letter to Amanosa. How dare she from the overseas. I cannot believe she even wrote a book. She's just an apprentice, you know. She's not even a master of anything. You think just because Mickey Mouse played the apprentice in a movie that now that's his leading role? No.

I'm going to sweep, sweep, sweep you up with all those brooms. So, Petaflur is now trying to pull our heartstrings with this bullshit story that is so incest-y. It's crazy. She's talking about how her son was living with her, and then the son got a girlfriend, and then suddenly he wasn't helping out around enough, and Petaflora got mad and kicked them both out of the house, because obviously she doesn't like another girl being there. But now that she's kicked the son out of the house...

Well, he left because she said they had to chip in, and Gina's like, financially? She goes, no, no, no, no, no. Sexually. Yeah. But he refused. And I said, you need to chip in or get out. And he left.

He left me. Now, anyone who hasn't watched this, she is in love with her son. In love. It is great. Yeah. And so now she's like no i feel like you know i want him back and she's talking about how she misses him and she wants him back and

she's afraid that he's never going to come back and he might just move on and and like well there'll be no place for her in his life anymore and and gina's like well i think you just have to be honest with him and talk to him let him know how you feel and i'm like they are literally discussing this as if he's her ex it's crazy crazy sit there and cry like the ex and gina's i love gina's honesty she's like you know i just asked for him to chip in and he left and gina goes or did you offend him like well that's pretty much a good call and pedofloor didn't even bat you know she's like we have friends this is my only friend so i'll let it go no i didn't

offend him you know i had my thumb up his butthole and he got his girlfriend yelled at me and now they're gone what don't you understand oh say see if you thumbed his butthole just what i thought gina's like you know what you gotta do You gotta walk right on up to him and say, get back in this house right this minute. I'm gonna call Josh right now and see what he'd do. Hey, Josh, what would you do?

Alright, thanks, Dolan. Be sure to wrap up that t-shirt. Nice card there. Alright, Dolan. You stupid cunt. Alright. Okay, so Chica. I never said that word. Never said that word, you cunt. Never said it.

Yeah, cool fitness. So Chica is in the kitchen, only one eating. God bless her heart. At first. Later they join in because they all get so stressed out. But I was like, I love Chica. I love when Chica prepares for a season by losing 10 pounds, gets some really tight Banana Republic slacks, then just proceed proceeds to eat the whole season love you girl she gets

into her best brown costume she loves she loves a dirt tone sweater yes that's an earth tone banana republic type with a white collar hanging out yeah oh yeah i actually really like that look. Or like in this one, when she gets formal, she'll put on a yarn-netted sweater. Yes. She loves a good grey also. She's big into the greys. Yes. So anyway, Susie starts right away.

All the ladies are here now, and Susie immediately is earning her paycheck. And she's like, oh yes, hello lady-a, so how is lord the cricketer any highlights any highlights did you get lloyd oh yes there were plenty of

holloids did you have sex with shane warne no last night i fucked my husband pretty well susie's such a she's so ridiculous she's like did you fuck shane or whatever she's like no i fucked my husband pretty well susie's such a she's so ridiculous she's like did you fuck shane or whatever she's like no i fucked my husband thank you very much and susie's like no cursing in my home not around the pavlovas i don't want my meringue to fall

hey why aren't you the cream of tartar in my meringue so lydia looks terrified that they're bringing this up she like it's that scared look oh who told you that whatever and uh gina's like hey you always get accused of this don't you like every time i talk to you you're accused of getting dick what is that about you yeah okay and then lydia and janice are getting into it because lydia you know because janet was talking about how again, how Shane had texted her for a booty call. And Lydia's like, well, I wasn't angry at you. I was just shocked, you know, because he doesn't normally go for the village elder. You know, I didn't think that crones were really his thing.

I'm shocked that he would invite you to his home. He doesn't have a handicap rail on the squatter. invite you to his home. He doesn't have a handicap rail on the squatter. Right on a house, he expects you to do it unless he's got a fetish for holding all people above toilets. You know, I'm just shocked that he invited

you in because he doesn't have one of those chairs that scoots on up the staircase. He probably saw that you hadn't eaten in a while and wanted to offer to mash your food up for you. You know, every time he talked about getting a walker, I thought it was a reference to The Walking Dead and not to something for you to be more accessible in your house. Maybe he said, oh my God, she's pissing, and you thought he said, let's get pissed.

I thought that when I asked him if you were ever going to go over to his house and he said, depends, I thought that was, he wasn't sure, not that he needs to get your diapers. I think he was calling you fat twat and you thought he was inviting you over to watch Matlock. I was, honestly, Janet, I was sincerely scared for your life when he said that you're going to come over and watch Diagnosis

Murder. I thought he was actually going to kill you. Man, she's going for that old demon everything single part and shannon's like so then they so then they're like well let's go have a conversation because let's we gotta hash it out so they go out to the over the living room and lydia's like now I'd like you to speak first because I respect my elders. And Joe's like, oh, God. God, you stupid person. There is so much lying cow and Lydia's scattered throughout here. I'm trying to find where I am.

We're women. She's an older lady. Lydia goes, I'm sick of Janet. She's constantly pushing my intelligence. Oh, no. Ah, no. So let's see. She goes, push my intelligence around.

Oh, she goes. Lydia's like, well, then you went on the Twitter. And Janet's like, oh, Lord. Well, you just went on and on on the Twitter. It was one night. One night I said something. She goes, yes, it's one night. Poor Lydia.

She doesn't even know how to talk. And Janet's like, well, last Lydia said she got mad at me because I said something to her. But then it was because I said something to her that she got mad at me. I mean, she's an idiot. That's it. She's just an idiot. And Lydia, then Lydia's response to us in her own diary, she goes, I'm not a Lydia for no reason. No, she goes, I'm no Lydia for a reason.

Yeah. What? Stupid Lydia. Yeah What? Stupid Lydia The best though is Petaflur chiming in In her confessional

Being like You know They had to switch the Switch the bitch And all this fighting Over Twitter Twitter is ridiculous You know

I never I never start rumors About Gamble Over Twitter or Facebook Or social media Or my phone Okay I do it in person

As if like There's some honor In the way she starts her rumors Yeah I don't tweet on the gamble. You know, I only use my phone to Snapchat dick pics to my son. Ew. His own.

Like, look, here is your dick again. Please bring it back. Missing your dick. Look, I put doggy ears on your dick. Your dick in a madman mask. Look, I face swap with your penis. It's still your penis. I even miss your penis with your penis's face.

So then, so now, now all the women women are most of the women are out there and uh because everyone's hashing everything out gamble now um goes after pedoflur about like oh i can't believe you would thought these rumors about me about uh so it goes as he's not calm and then that makes pedoflur pedoflur is furious because she's just learned that Lydia everything she told Lydia in quote unquote confidence Lydia just told Gamble

so now Petaflur is furious and Lydia's like I was just trying to mediate for you I was just trying to mediate the cause you guys need to

help with your friendship that's all I was just trying to mediate and Petaflur's like I don't want you to mediate jack shit for me

sorry I love that Gamble holds Sugardaddy.com off for like 10 minutes She opens it How dare you Why would you say I'm a black widow That's what you're mad at That's like the least offensive thing that she said

Well but I did love how later on When Petty Fleur and Gamble were flat And Petty Fleur goes Just listen were flat, and Petty Fleur goes, oh, just listen to me, sugardaddy.com. Just listen to me. So Jackie's listening to all of this, and then she grabs a cookie or something and

goes into the kitchen, and they're like, how'd you get away from that? She goes, you know, when I don't like something, I'll get up and walk away, and that's what happened. And those women are in there, I'll tell you this much, saw something about lydia i didn't see before like what is it she goes lydia's a flip-flopper flip-flopper i'm gonna buy a flip-flop because she's a flip-flopper you hear that one andrea yes i did then we find out suzy's bullshit suzy's like well that's standard i've known her for a long time and if we if we were going to be friends we would be

and then she tells us there's always an agenda and an end game when i was getting when i was getting a divorce from my second or third whatever husband liddy was talking about me yeah but when i finally tried to cut butters out of my life liddy was spreading rumors about me i'm like oh of course so now you're telling the world even though it's probably true and it was probably true back then for you too that lydia is having an affair because that's literally the same thing that she did to you all those years ago you are so transparent god bless her uh this is for revenge from red butters do you know how hard it is baking without butters sometimes i miss mr red butters i blame lydia for it um so there's more fighting and fighting

fighting and now gamble is getting furious and she's like be very careful because i will sue you until the end of the fucking earth while she's sitting there with her graduation cap hair and her wig tape is pulling one of her eyes up and the other one down. Hilarious. Meanwhile, Gina is just sitting at the table in the next room and she's like, it was like cats in the street in the middle of the night.

It was terrible. I couldn't even read that book. It was just deranged. Every other word was bitch. I couldn't even read it. it was just deranged every other word was a bitch i couldn't even read it and then it cuts back to the fight she's like bitch oh i'll kill you stupid slut i'll cut your head off i was like jeez gamble i know and and again and pedofleur is still attacking gamble for causing her to get sued and gab was like no i just didn't like that that was ridiculous and gamble is right by the way. Gamble is totally right.

And Susie, meanwhile, is just like, that's just a bunch of pre-menopausal twits. Oh, Real Housewives of Melbourne, welcome back into my TV, into my heart. Yes. And the way the entire episode ends, as we mentioned before, is Gamble, as she's walking away from the couch, is turning to, to Pataflur,

going, oh, go fuck yourself, Pataflur. And then it's, as you said, everyone, it's like a long,

dramatic pause. Everyone's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and then it ends. Dun,

dun, dun. Yeah. Oh, no, because it ends with, uh, Lydia going,

well, I didn't expect that. Yes, you're right. Yes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's exactly how it ended. Oh, my God.

So brilliant. Wait, you know what? I might be able to play the audio of that last moment because I have it on my computer right here. Okay. I don't want your issues. My happiness. But you know what? I'm out of here guys i'll see you later i'm so over it you've got problems oh go fuck yourself petty flirt

now i never expected that. I bet y'all thought the clip was over, but no. Oh, Melbert. I did even. I was like, ugh. No, it goes on. I mean, the truth is we could probably go to anywhere in the episode and they're probably saying something absolutely, you know, ridiculous and hilarious. But I'm cut out of his life.

And that's my greatest fear. Thanks for the advice. It's nice. What's the advice? Biggest fear. Shall we move on to another episode of something with equally hilarious accents Oh my god These ladies are cuckoo bird QQ

QQQ This is like the best weekend ever I feel alive I feel alive We're talking about Real Housewives of New York City The big trip to Mohegan Sun continues. Everyone is on the bus.

Everyone's mad at each other. And Ramona, I feel alive, feels alive. When they walk into the Mohegan Sun, which is some indie casino in the middle of where is it? Connecticut. It's like the competitor to Foxwoods. Don't tell Vanessa. What is this? What is this? It's a Motley Crue like it's crazy like what are we doing right now like look what is that a

waterfall is it inside um what is this like a lobby like what's going on like i thought like we don't like lobbyists like what's going on it's like literally like like honestly like where this but i have a special interest it's called let's get out of this lobby and get to the rooms okay like literally i can't like honestly it's like too much. They go into their double suite. Double doors. Oh, my God. There's always got to be something good behind double doors. Everyone's like, wow, it's so nice.

Wow. Look at that. Whoa. Look at that. It is the ugliest fucking room. Yeah. It is ugly. It's like this circular couch.

It looks like it's made out of, I don't know, like every quilt Meemaw ever made. Yeah. Not cute. It was recycled milk cartons from Stu Leonard's. And Sonia pulled a Ramona and took the best room. And Ramona's like, all right, everyone, choose your rooms. She's like, I already did. She goes, you can't take that room.

She goes, you weren't here, so I got it. Like, I called it. That's the rule, right? Ramona's like, but I'm the hostess. Like, you can't take that room. She goes, you weren't here, so I got it. Like, I called it. That's the rule, right? Ramona's like, but I'm the hostess. Like, you can't do that. It's like, you know, like the mammoths. I thought that what happened was that Ramona was making everyone choose a room. And they're like, well, what about your room, Ramona?

She's like, oh, I already chose a room. And they're like, what? She's like, yeah, well, I'm the hostess. Of course, I got my own room. That's what I thought happened. That's not how I wrote it but who cares who knows either way ramona's gonna get the best rooms like dorinda says you never know what's gonna happen on these trips but one thing's for sure ramona's gonna get the best room and bethany and carol are gonna sleep in the same room okay so ross are it what are you gonna do like i don't know. It's called the Inevitability Crayon, okay?

And I'm drawing with it. Sonya and Jules are getting ready in their room, and Sonya's, I guess Sonya gets stuck with Jules, but they're getting ready and unpacking and stuff for their one night, and Jules is like, yeah,

I'm really mad at Bethany. She has a product called Skinny Girl. And then she's, like, getting mad at a skinny girl. Like, she's a hypocrite. She's trying to make me look like a sick patient. Like, you just talked about how you barfed three days ago. You're literally a sick patient. Yeah, but she's kind of right, too, to be honest.

And I think Jules does have a point where she says someone who says they know everything about eating disorders wouldn't act this way around somebody in recovery which I think is true someone who doesn't want to talk about recovery wouldn't even have to bring up their eating disorder while they're unpacking like how many times does the woman have to say she's sorry I mean even though Bethany says sorry in her way

it's like well I'm sorry that you hurt me because this is about me because my mother had a I'm protecting myself I'm sorry I'm protecting myself against your eating disorder like, well, I'm sorry that you hurt me because, like, this is about me. Because my mother had a, I'm protecting myself. I'm sorry I'm protecting myself against your eating disorder. Like, it was terrible. But, like, Jules, shut up. Every time Jules talks, it's about her fucking eating disorder. Yeah, but I think, I know what she's saying, though.

Because Bethany is trying to be empathetic. Like, trying to claim that she's very empathetic to it. But, like,hany is not being that uh like oh she's being awful she's being a monster she's bethany but why do you have to bring it up now we're on vacation we're just because they just want to sonia have to do with it well because they just went had a whole like two-hour bus ride where like they were you know in close quarters with a huge amount of tension so So, of course, she had to get... I'm sympathetic to Jules on this one.

I give it to Jules. I give her a pass. In this specific instance. Well, that's a lie. So then they go to dinner where Jules is not present. Close up of legs walking through a casino. Yeah.

So Jules is not at dinner, but everyone else is. Everyone's like, you know what I love? I love Black Barn. I love it. I went back there, and it is wonderful, okay? Like, literally, like, whoa, whoa, this is crazy.

Oh, my God. I'm just remembering. One time, when I was a little girl, I went to a barn with a black man, and I said, cool barn, Mr. Farmer. And he said, I'm not a farmer. And Geraldine Parsons-Smith came and said, you're a racist. And to this day, I will never go into a barn with a black man. Okay? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Black barn. Okay. Hey, wait up. Can we just order a mac and cheese with truffles just to share? I'm like, who orders mac and cheese to share? Only Ramona. Only Ramona. I do. With oysters on a half shell.

She's like, I want my own dozen, okay? Okay. You need my own dozen because I need my own. Like, I'm getting crazy. That's what's about to happen right here at Mohican Sun, okay? You're about to see a lady who's having the time of her life going crazy. I feel so alive that I want to share my mac and cheese with truffles on it, okay? I'm sorry if you don't have some.

It's day class A. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay? And then Sonia's like, well, I didn't have fun at the Black Barn. And then Bethany's like, is it because I ran away from you, like the monster I am, like why you were trying to be nice and then, like, tried to ruin your life?

Was that why? She's like, well, yeah, but we don't have to talk about that. Bethany's like, literally, like, I couldn't be there, okay? It's But he's like, like, literally, like, I couldn't be there, okay? It's like a black barn. Like, honestly, like, too many animals. Like, I'm not a farm girl, okay? I'm a city girl. Like, put me by the tracks.

The only thing I want to be around is a racehorse, all right? Like, literally, I can't. Like, I don't want to see a chicken. I don't want to see a sheep, okay? It's like, it's literally too much. Like, honestly, like, if you put me in that situation, my walls are up. Like, my fences are up, okay? I'm in a stall all by myself, and there's dog shit everywhere.

Okay, I'm sorry. Like, literally, just kill me now. Let me just bleed on the hay. I lived in a horse race. Like, like literally i lived in a barn like why would you do that to me like what i'm supposed to have fun at this party like seriously gross it reminds me too much of going to a farm when i was a child okay i was like it was too much like i can't like literally it's like i can't i was too poor and carol you want a drink sonia sonia's like oh no i don't need to drink. I can have fun without a drink.

Uh-huh. Sonia'll be in bed at nine. Yeah. Sonia is. Last year. Last year at whatever Indian casino they were at. They were in Atlantic City, yeah. I party with John John and Madonna all the time.

Yeah, well, John John's dead, so that's going to be difficult. I like how for Sonya, it's not about proving that she doesn't need to drink. It's about proving that she's just as crazy when she's sober. So in the future, they can't judge her for drinking because that's not the drinking's fault. It's like, look, it's my vagina. Isn't that crazy? I'm sober. Like, I'm just putting my heels behind my ears at dinner just because I'm sober.

Like, it's crazy. Like, see, I can do this in real life, too. I don't have to be drunk. God, put a little waist on me. Jesus, we just ordered a dozen of those things. And then Dorinda starts talking about how she used to be a step teacher back in the day because she was doing, like, a little step class on the bus. And I'm like, of course she was. Like, the most 90s, you know, exercise fad, step.'m like, of course she was. Like the most 90s exercise fad, step.

Which then, of course, prompts... Step it up, back it up. Step to the side and back it up. What the hell do you think you're doing? You think you're better than me? I wonder if this is how Dorinda and Ramona first met because Ramona used to be an aerobics instructor too. So did Rhonda, my mother.

Oh, a little jazzercise? Oh, hell yeah. I was in the presence of an aerobic star of el paso texas there was a big thing at the convention center like an aerobics convention and they would all perform and thousands of people came to see my mother do her aerobicize routine i didn't leah black do that or was she just like a bodybuilder she did something with aerobics or leah black had home video where she's like, you can work out anywhere. Health is great. Here's me picking up a corkscrew over and up. It's a

box of wine. You can do it with whatever you got in your house. How fun is that? If you didn't pay for this video, don't worry. I'm going to invoice you. She had the most hilarious one she said okay now move your stomach out move it out okay but she's like i'm trying to do it but we're not video

obviously but she's like humping the air she's like oh doesn't that feel good oh youtube come on so then oh so then um yeah this eventually gets into like like oh well you know i like doing step but uh bethany she does all sorts of crazy yoga stuff and next you know bethany is going full-on caroline fleming in the restaurant doing a headstand which made me realize somewhere in london julie was crying she's like oh no someone's doing a headstand very quickly how'd you do it that fast it's not about how fast you can do it it's just that you can do it eventually which i never even proved oh and now i burned the cocoa i'm sorry that you didn't like that i pointed out that you couldn't do a headstand sorry okay um so then ramona launches this is hilarious ramona launches

into like a seinfeld monologue she's like no one answers hilarious. Ramona launches into like a Seinfeld monologue. She's like, no one answers their cell phones anymore. It's like a joke. No one communicates anymore. I mean what's the deal with cell phones and not answering them? I mean it used to be people didn't answer their phone, but they'd answer their cell phone. And now they don't even do that anymore. I mean like it's crazy.

Am I right? Used to be people wouldn't answer the front door when people were ringing. Then they got home phones. Then people would answer the door, but not their home phone. Then they got cell phones, and then went to home phone. Like, no one communicates. Like, you can't even get a message written by one of those, like, crazy planes anymore because people won't look up under the sky.

It's like, answer the plane. You know what I mean? Whoa, this is crazy. It reminds me of when I was a little girl. I had one of those, like, those paper cup telephone things attached by a string. And I remember being like, hello, hello. Is anyone on the other end? Is anyone on the other end?

Hello, hello. And then I looked, and someone had cut the string. No one wanted me to talk to them. Okay? It's very sad. Okay, that's why I don't like talking on phones anymore. Ramona. Am I right?

Like, no one communicates. And then people try to answer, and she's like, whatever. Oysters, mac and cheese, truffles. Yeah, you're real good at that communication thing. Yeah, Mario left and it turns out I never paid attention to him. I had no idea.

So now they go out. They start gambling. Jules calls Michael to make sure he deposited money in the bank account um and then awkward yeah um and then bethany is like so bethany at the table she's like what what's going on here with the money okay what are you doing put it on top or take it out i mean it's in or out i mean like it's like literally like literally you gotta choose something like it's in or out top of the bottom like a little i can't like honestly you're making a terrible wager like i can't like little just like just you know like

just just hit the jackpot now and just like kill me kill me under the groupie like i can't first talk about the black barn now you're playing me black jack it's like like what am i like just give me a black guy like just get it over with like what is this a hint you know they shouldn't even call it pie gal they call it like pie kill me now all right literally like i can't when i was broke like i loved gambling like it was so fun. I'd have $5. I'd lose $5. Who cares? But when you find success, it hurts to lose $50.

So bye. Go into bed. Okay. You got rich people? Really? Come on, Bethany. I want to put $20 on what's a matter. What's a matter?

Okay, come on. What's a matter? Big money. What's a matter? I money. What's the matter? Like, I can't. Like, seriously? Like, what? I'm going to give you dollars and then you're going to make me add things to, like, 21? Like, what is this? Like, what am I in school? Get out of here. Like, I'm here.

Do something for me. You know what? My favorite game is craps because I got walls. I got walls around the table. Like, literally, my walls are up. My walls are up around the craps table. Walls up. So Ramona and Sonia. Sonia's like's like hey let's be as crazy as i am when i'm sober but i mean as when i'm drunk but i'll stay sober like let's go and then they go dance and she's like step touching she looks so bored it's like oh poor thing you know like when you go to a casino um they have you know in, in Vegas, casinos have, like, their main clubs and bars where people line up to go inside.

Like, those are the main ones. But then there are these little bars that are kind of on the casino floor that are sort of semi-empty. It's a place to go get a drink in the middle of things. They're, like, at one of those bars, and they're dancing as if they're in the hottest club in central Connecticut. They're like, whoo! Fun times. She finds some glow sticks on a bench and starts like just randomly swinging them around she's like yeah look at us like this is nuts i forgot our moves

like look at our nuts like look at our moves like they just came right back i'm like you're not even doing anything you're like just randomly waving around me that's like you're only two people like you guys are overlooking like a bowling alley or something. It's probably a cleaning lady off the side of the vacuum. Then you've got Jules back at the table and she's like, Harukata Adon. I'm like, okay, we get it, Jewish-Asian.

Sit down. And Carol's like, well, it works for me as long as we're earning money so i don't mind hey hey let's play the bj game uh all right carrie so then uh we go to commercial and we're already back in new york city the producers are like nothing's happening on this trip let's just move just move forward. Ramona probably hit one of the tourists in the face with a glow stick and they had to get the hell out of town.

Hey, it's a high roller. Does that mean there's a roller rink around here? Let's get some roller skates, okay? Like, if Sonia's not getting drunk, we're out of here. Bye. Bye, Mohegan. I felt bad, because at this point in the show, I thought that was the big vacation for the season since the Mexico one got canceled.

I was like, oh, that's so sad. It was relegated to like one and a half segments over two episodes. I was like, this is sad. New York deserves better than that. But little did I realize there'd be more. Yes. Don't worry. You can always look at the credits for Science of the Future in the beginning when it shows Ramona.

She's twitching around in that black bathing suit she's talked about all year. So you know they go somewhere where she gets to wear that thing. You're right. So we come back to New York and it's Carol hugging baby. And Adam comes in. She's like, the agent read the proposal. I can at least open the email. And the agent said she thinks it's adorable and possibly

commercial and Adam's like well he that's great I'm so excited to do this book and then because apparently the agent you know had some concerns that Carol and Adam might not still be together when it comes time to promote the book and she's like I don't think

I'll be and then he this is his response I think that no matter what say in a year we aren't together and say in a year we are together we wrote a book we were together for a long time or we are still together it doesn't matter what the narrative is i'm like good i'm glad it doesn't matter what the narrative is because i could barely follow that sentence yeah thank god you're not in charge of the narrative of this book. Yeah, deep thoughts, bro. Deep thoughts. I like how he kind of talks like that.

It doesn't matter what the narrative is. Yeah, you'll be devastated, right? Let's rate how happy we are on a scale of 1 to 10. Radishes. 10 radishes. Be totally honest, okay? 1, 2, 3, go. 10 radishes. Oh, I said 8. Oh radishes. Be totally honest, okay? One, two, three, go. Ten radishes.

Oh, I said eight. Oh, God. Why you did that on purpose? Oh, God. Carol, write a book called Trying Too Hard. How one woman owned an apartment and didn't even have to try. Although she did make a good point, which is that everyone has a lot of opinions about how

relationships should be, and pretty much everyone's love life is in shambles, except for her and Adam. That's true. Can't fault that. Well, you know, you have to have that kind of goal in a relationship. He has the goal of having his rent paid, and she has the goal of acting 20.

And you know what? He's hot so, you know, at the end of the day she's getting the last laugh. This is why they have laugh tracks, so they don't get stuck with a bunch of Carols in a sitcom audience. You know? Like, damn it, Three's Company has been cancelled.

I can't tell I can't tell if that's Carol laughing or trying to start a car or maybe like maybe she just like bought like a rock tumbler to make some smooth rocks so Ramona goes to meet Sonya in a store and you know it's gonna be a good scene because they're doing

the clown music organ version this show has the clown music. It's like this. Played by the organ. I know exactly which one you're talking about. That's hilarious. What is this, lamb? Like, seriously, what is this jacket made out of?

Like, it's nuts. Like, is this made out of a lamb? Do I look like a lamb chop? Do I look like a lamb chop? So Ramona's whole thing is that she wants to organize the engagement party for Luann, which is strange because Ramona has been the most problematic in this process. But now she wants to organize an engagement party for Luann. But the issue is that, you know, I don't know, like maybe she lost her phone or something. Maybe it's broken because I've texted her so many times she hasn't responded to my texts at all. She totally would have if she was at the Mohican Sun and heard me talking about how no one answers the cell phone anymore.

She didn't even hear that part, so she's still not answering. Like, where'd communication go, Luian? And so she's like, well, now I want to text Tom because I can't get to Luanne's. I'll text Tom. And Sonia's like, no, don't do that at all. She's like, well, I already did. And here's the text that I sent. And I love Ramona's text. She goes, this is her text.

She goes, hi. It's very important that Luanne calls me. I don't know if she has lost her phone. Thanks. But I just love the way she goes, hi. Hi. Like she's in a rush already on the text. Sonia's like, you're not supposed to ever call the man i'd let one of my bridesmaids go because she called my husband's office one time and then gave

him a blow job sonia's so crazy and also ramona is doing that thing where she's pretending to be a nice person but she's really being fucking terrible. She's like, I just wanted to have a party for Luann because it's an engagement. So I thought we could have a party. We can invite Tom and Jacques and I don't know, the Count. Who would it be? Ray. You know, whoever. Like whoever she's had sex before.

It could be like one long toast. But instead of toast, it could be different penises that Luanne's had inside of her. I was thinking we could invite that woman who Tom was talking to when Luanne walked in and took Tom away and said, I'll take him now. Okay? Let's hear what she has to say about it, okay? Luanne? It's like inviting theurglar to a burger party so um now we go to bethany's apartment she is there taking pictures of cookie and she's in

brin's bedroom i believe on that white shag carpet i'm like bethany get your bleeding badge out of there what are you doing It's a white carpet. I just buy more. Like, seriously, who cares? Like, what? What, I'm going to stay in it? Like, when I was poor, I would care. But I don't now.

Because, like, when I was poor, I would spend the carpet money in a gambling machine. But now I don't because I'm rich. I don't gamble. Like, I'll buy a rug. And her employee, her friend employee who's pretending to care, she's like, I don't think you should go, Bethany. You're too sick. But you're sick, Bethany. You're too sick. But you're sick, Bethany. Please don't go.

Please take care of yourself. Because Bethany is going to Aspen. Because she already told Bryn that they're going to Aspen. So that way Bryn can learn how to ski. And so the friend employee is like, yeah, we don't think you should do that. Because you're still bleeding a lot. And Bethany's like, well, I already told Bryn. What can I do?

I already told her. Like, literally, if I have to tell her we're not going like just like kill me now just like honestly like take me to a slope and roll me down it until i fall off the edge okay literally just like kill me okay i don't want to tell i don't want to disappoint brin okay like literally i can't well you have to ski on your vagina you'll be fine it's not like you lost a foot yeah bethany's and yeah and by the way she's the kid you're the adult you're allowed to say it's not happening okay she'll cry, and that's called growing up. Oh, Bethany.

Well, glad she found someone else to hire to shoot with. Yeah. I was worried she wouldn't have any scenes this show. So next up is 4Fs. Ramona meeting Dorinda. Dorinda is wearing a big yellow sweater Which I'm surprised Ramona did not Put on her sunglasses right there

It reminds me of sunshine There's so much sunshine in this restaurant We know the title of Ramona's next business Yep I'm all about the four F's Food, fashion, fitness, and finance I was like where's that fifth F that we know about also? That happens in the backroom boutique.

Finagling? Sometimes you can get cheaper appetizers if you just talk to the chef first, okay? My other F is following on social media. I mean, assuming someone answers the phone. Who the F is the way I'mAM effing?

It's like 20 F's by the time she gets done. Forensics. I love watching CSI. She's driving around. Oh my god, it's a Forensic. Forgot that on my list. We're going to have to change the title.

My seventh F, fluting because i love flute music also flautas mexican restaurants f number nine flowers who doesn't love flowers i mean am i right oh ramona so she's going with her and Dorinda are eating. And Dorinda is really, and Bethany totally catches her. So I can't wait to see how this works out. But Dorinda is totally shit-stirring the whole time. She's like, well, you know, I was talking to Luann. You know, we were thinking maybe it's better if I throw the party.

Because, you know, it's like I'm the only one that Tom hasn't had sex with, you know. Make it nice. She's so full of shit. She's making it sound like Luann doesn't want Ramona to have the party for her. Yes. And all this stuff. And Ramona is totally falling for it. She's like, I mean, I'm annoyed right now.

I'm actually annoyed. Like, actually? Like, literally? Like, really? I feel abused at this point. She's like, I, like, really? I feel abused at this point. Yeah. She's like, I can't believe that. And then it cuts to Dorinda on the phone with Luann.

And she's like, I was thinking Ramona shouldn't be the one to throw the pie. Maybe it should be me. And Luann's like, yeah, that's fine. Yeah, exactly. Luann's like, yeah, sure. I mean, it makes sense for Dorinda to throw it because Dorinda did set them up. But, like, yeah, she made Luann sound like she was enraged at Ramona. Yeah.

You know what? You know, now I'm actually getting mad, Dorinda. Now I'm actually angry. You know what? It's the 10th F. Furious. Well, she called Luanne, Luanne Tegan public and yelled at Luanne about it. I mean, I don't have nothing to do with it. Liar. Liar, Dorinda. Liar. So then,

any goodwill I had towards Jules that had built up over the past episode or two really went down the shitter, quite literally, because now we have an extended scene of Jules hiring a potty training consultant for her youngest daughter. Because Jules cannot be bothered to do this herself. For $1,000 a day, by the way. Yeah, exactly.

In two days, she's going to teach my daughter to go in the bathtub. You know, it's worth it to me. Like, I have things to do. The maid is standing there looking disgusted with her. Like, she's holding on to the railing of the microwave. Should I put my head in this fucking thing? Yeah. She wants to plath it out right now.

And you can tell why Jules can't teach her kids to potty train. She's like, where's your doll that goes poo-poo and pee-pee? And the daughter gets it and then like squeezes it on the couch. And she's like, good girl. Yeah. And the son's like, well, no wonder the doll can't do it she pees out of her ass oh right that's it no more of the youtube yeah no more youtubes for you he's so funny that rio or whatever his name is she's telling your daughter be careful for your vagina because i broke mine awful so then the so then this woman teaches she's like don't ask them if they have to go

pee pee because then it sounds optional just just say now go pee pee and so the girl goes and then i'm like are why are we watching this this feels icky bravo showing a toddler almost naked peeing i'm like where please please close the. We don't need to see this. It's not interesting. It's not pleasant, and it makes me feel strange. She's like, which way should did you teach her how to wipe? And she goes, yeah. She goes, how do you do it?

And the lady goes, front to back. You don't want to mix up church and state. She's like, oh. Don't you mean synagogue and state? Don't you mean synagogue and state don't you mean synagogue and fried rice yes because i'm jewish and asian i don't know but you didn't know that but how many clients have you ever seen that huh woman's like okay here's a refund of all the money i'm getting out of here uh so dorinda oh so we're back to dorinda tattling introduces okay so we already talked

about that stuff ramona is ramona is guess where ramona is black bond i love this room i love it i love the black bond okay i love them showing ramona alone with the waiter because ramona alone with anybody is awkward like any young man is awkward. And she's waiting for whoever to come. And she's like in the wine cellar. And she's like, oh, you got a bottle? Like, I love bottles. Like, it's crazy. I can pull a bottle off of my right.

I'm like, are you really flirting with this 20-year-old busboy? Please leave the terrified guy alone. My last F is flirting. alone my last f is flirting um okay so then this is where we see uh the scene we already talked about with dorinda totally lying on the phone with luann so the group is all sitting there luann hasn't gotten there and dorinda's like i want to do a trip okay i want to do i was like oh here we go attempt number four at a vacation we've had mexico we've had palm beach we've had mohegan sun and now we are trying for hawaii oh lord so dorinda wants to throw this one so she's giving everybody lays and dorinda's like when you're

living in new york you gotta find a way to get out because it's a small place. It's like living on Noah's Ark. In this case, it's like Noah's Ark, but everybody at the table is fuck the elephant. You just got to get away. We've got to get out the boat and go somewhere different, you know? We need to go to a smaller island. That's what we need to do. And then Carol, of course. I didn't know i was gonna get laid

i like i like i like ramona's response you know you get the most beautiful tan hawaii okay i'm sorry they're no i'm sorry the tans and the galapagos are nice too but not as good as hawaii i'm sorry i'm sorry during that all, let's not talk about anything in the past. None of that stuff. Like who took a dip in the time. Whatever. And Sonia tells Carol, well,

it's not my fault. I mean, I was with him 10 years. How was I supposed to know that he dated Ramona? And then the win. We don't need to talk about it. Yeah. Yeah. They're starting to set up another feud Ramona and then Luan. We don't need to talk about it, Sonia. Yeah, they're starting to set up another feud between Sonia and Luan over this because she's been making all these little comments about how she didn't know

and this is weird and she can't deal. You know, they're just starting to set it up. And by the way, also surprising that Carol showed up without Bethany and she brought a little gift. So Carol's like, oh, i suddenly am realizing that i'm probably looking like the biggest bitch i better turn this around now yeah i think there was a break in filming because they all seem to change because bethany totally changed too like now she's like sonia like what i'm not gonna problem with sonia i love her like seriously what really like we need

we need to pause uh we need to pause this for a second and give you guys some notes. Okay. Everyone loves Luanne, so you should probably stop fighting with her. And people like Sonya, too, now. So just get it together, ladies. But Carol's trying, but she just can't help letting her feelings be known anyway. She's like, well, sorry, I was going into the window. Sorry, Carol. She's like, Luanne deserves a husband. She's better with a man.

She's jealous of women and possessive with men. So I'm happy with her. I'm happy for her for finding her place. Oh, how sweet. You should put that in a card. Yeah, seriously. So Luanne finally shows up. I'm hating how we have to wait so far into an episode to see Luanne.

It drives me nuts. But at the same time, it makes me feel like she's very special. She always gets a fourth quarter appearance. Well, Luann's the queen of coming in and then saying something mean and leaving anyway. She's like, hey, girls, nice to meet you. Ramona's a bitch and she hates all of you. Okay, catching a movie uptown with Jacques. Yeah.

By the way, the way Luann strode into the restaurant from the street i love this she walks in she's got her she's in her jeans and her cool shirt she just walks across the street like this is my scene ladies and i love it i was like yes countess this is my night and i hope the women are going to celebrate me yeah she's like i just want to put everything at joanne's behind me i'm like so does that mean that if everything before joanne's does that mean that's bj before joanne's sonia well i know that she doesn't want to hear about before luann i love that luann is like making everybody go with her new catchphrase yeah i know i know they're really buying it i also like how they everyone everyone references Joanne's.

I mean, this restaurant has never had so much publicity. Everyone's like, well, Joanne's. Oh, Joanne's. I don't want to talk about Joanne's. Although Ramona makes me laugh because Ramona's like, well, we all remember what happened at Joanne's. After Mastro. Cadoos for going forward. So Carol gives the gift to Luann.

She's like, oh, Carol, this is a bomb. Oh, it's a little crystal heart. Wow. Thank you. All right. Who wants to see the ring? Sonia trying so hard. She's like, wait a minute.

Was that in my basement? Yeah. She's trying so hard to be positive but she's like well you know i mean i'm happy for luann with her murky diamond but i have a flawless gigantic white diamond it's like comparing river water to i don't know the water in my walls that we just cannot help herself yeah she cannot and then luann is you know with this whole thing with Carol, Luanne's like, I really feel like I'm getting over a hump with Carol. I really appreciate it. I'm like, yeah, enjoy it now because Andy's going to make you guys fight again at the reunion. Yeah.

So she's telling her, she's like, girls, you want to hear my story? I'm like, yeah, yeah. Wow. Murky diamond. Okay. Well, I was with Tom and I was meeting his parents they're still alive yes okay so we were there and we're skiing and then he just he said you want to go sit in front of the fire later before i know it he can't wait and he's just on his knees look i took a picture

and then it's a picture of him on a ski slope proposing. And I'm like, so who did you get to take this picture? It's like you repose the engagement picture, Luann. Girl. Well, maybe it was Bethany who came to visit from Aspen. She's like, okay, I'll go to Vail. Okay, I hear Luann needs me. Okay. Okay, what's the matter?

Come on. Get down on me. Like, literally, like, if you don't get down on me soon enough, I'm just going to get down for you. Like, literally, I'll just be on the snow. Like, literally, like, kill me now like i'm gonna make a snow angel and take me up to heaven okay literally i can't i can't like literally my walls my snow walls are up i can't literally like literally i was coming down to hell and i took a picture and of course the land's in it like seriously like get the hell out of my picture

by the way i think everywhere i think we forgot to mention uh bethany's big woe is me moment when she's like i mean literally like this would be the first time i've gone to like a ski mountain and not snowboard like literally so sad for you so sad for you bethany oh so ramona is like luann finally luann like i'm so happy for her because she loves to be the center of attention. This is Luann and Luann's best. I'm like, uh-oh, any moment Ramona's going to be like, oh, yeah? Well, why can't I throw you a party? Because you're afraid that I slept with your boyfriend before you? It's not my fault.

I was trying to think of a good F word to work into that, but I couldn't. Forget about it, right? Sonia looks so sad during the toast. Luanne's like, well, let's raise our glasses. Someone's like, okay, I got a toast. She's like, no, I'm toasting. It's the manners. Like, oh, okay.

I just didn't think my toast was going to be. Congratulations. Because when Tom was inside of me, I didn't think he was the marrying type. Okay. Like, congratulations. I'm sorry. Okay. Okay. So Lou announces that she's getting married in the new year.

And Sonia's like, oh, God, we got to wait 10 months. It's too long. I know. She's like, I just want to do it now. Oh, God. So let's see here oh and then ramona says it seems like luanne is more about being in love than being in love i love a good ramona saying i know like there's another one never going on a bumper sticker. Oh my goodness. So I think that's pretty much it for New York City.

Is it not? That's it. Sonya's not jealous, everybody. Sonya is not jealous. Remember that Sonya is not jealous, everybody. Next week, they're all on a yacht somewhere. So this season keeps on going. They just filmed the reunion. We know that much.

There's not that much left of the season. But wow, it seems like there's still a lot of stuff they have to do. A yacht, a Hawaiian vacation, more fighting. It's going to be great. Okay. Okay. By the way, this just in, I just got a notification on my phone about your Twitter poll, Ronnie, that you put up on the At What Crappens account.

Twitter is like, hey, hey, okay. You did a poll yesterday. Do you want to see the results? Okay. So here are the results. The Watch What Crappens poll yesterday was, it's Ken Todd's birthday. What should we get him? A Roomba? A wig of Yorkie fur?

Yolanda's book? Or Cedric's snap address? Snap Addie. So here are the results. Okay. With 11%, with 138 votes, Cedric's snap Addy came in in fourth place. A wig of Yorkie fur, which is kind of my favorite,

that came in third place with 23%. Tied for first place with 33% is Yolanda's book and a Roomba. And Twitter has given the edge to a Roomba so congratulations, we're going to get Kentod an imaginary Roomba for his birthday oh my god, he has a friend, a flesh Roomba with a real Roomba congrats and happy birthday

Kentod okay, why don't we wrap up the show with some talk about Below Deck Mid, which is in its penultimate episode of the season. A very, very gratifying episode if you ask me, because it was the episode

spoiler alert, where Danny got fired. Finally. What was the title of the episode? It was so funny. Amazing. It's called Subpar. You know the good thing about Subpar? I think that's what they of the episode? It was so funny. Amazing. It's called Subpar. You know the good thing about Subpar? I think that's what they call the episode. Oh, is that what they...

I saw Subpar was in the title, because what was amazing was... Okay, so let's back up. Let's work our way to the Subpar moment. Well, I knew it was going to be a good episode because it opens with Ben still crying. He's like, I just don't want people to think

that I'm some snotty boarding school asshole. It's just a boarding school thing. You know, I'm rich as hell. I mean, once a cry, baby, always a cry, baby. You know what I mean? So don't look at me right now, love. And Hannah's like,

oh, let me hug you, Bean. And she's hugging him, but in that way too hard, needy way. It's not about you, love. And Hannah's like, oh, let me hug you, Bean. And she's hugging him, but in that way too hard, needy way. It's not about you, man. I'm feeling things right now. It's not about you being a spinster, all right? Here you go, Bean. Come on. Get into my bosom right now.

So yeah, he's still crying, etc., etc. The douchebag guests are still there. This charter, this is going on the third episode of this charter, and now they're in Santorini, and they're going up with donkeys, etc. But the big thing is that Danny has,

you know, he's not allowed to have his phone out. He can have the phone at night, but he can't have the phone out during the day. And the phone can never leave his room. So, sure enough, Brian captures Danny taking a picture of the group, a big group photo. And Brian's like, yeah, I got him. I took a picture of it. I'm going to tell the captain. I'm going to tell him about Daniel.

Okay? And this is the time I got it. So, Danny is listening in on all this. So he is going to beat Brian to the punch. So he, did I say that right? Beat him to the punch? Is that right? Yeah.

I'm having a Lydia moment. Yeah, he's going to basically tell the captain before he gets in trouble. So it's like, hey, captain. Well, I just wanted you to know before anybody tells you i made a mistake but i admit it and um the mistake is that i had my phone and um uh they think i took a picture the captain's like oh what i mean but even though he's he was like so i mean i accidentally put it in my pocket and i didn't realize and i forgot and then they asked me to take a picture so I just like took a picture you know but

I realized that was a mistake now I'm like this is the most like obnoxious I made a mistake moment you know for anyone and also the guest asked me he was like could you please put my phone number in your phone and so I was like okay because the guest asked me so I put his phone number in my phone

and I accidentally typed it out and then I accidentally emailed him and I was like afterwards i realized like it was just instinct and i realized like whoops i didn't mean to anyway here's this really cool video of me and my sister doing a rap so it's already like oh my god like this is honestly this is the sort of person that's giving millennials a bad rap you know someone who can't be away from their phone is constantly fucking up and then later on is like angry at his supervisors because they're he's like yeah they're not like helping me grow like i'm new at this they need to help me grow why aren't they helping me grow i'm like jesus well one thing that is growing your hair this is like one of the only people on brava who actually has a proceeding hairline every episode

the guy's about to be blinded by that thing he's like a judas yeah yeah i think he's one of your i think he's one of your tribe ronnie he's lebanese no isn't he lebanese or is he jordanian no you reject him you fully reject him yeah no so um uh yeah so he's just being so ridiculous and then um he starts fighting with bobby well first of all brian is like you know coming down on him because he's like jumping around on the cat on the on the benches and knocking things over and then bobby is just at his limit i mean bobby is a douchebag as it is but he's at his limit and then and then danny is like yeah why don't you butt buddies why don't you go but

buddies go hang out but buddies i'm like that's your supervisor are you crazy like even if he is even if brian is the biggest asshole which he is he's still your supervisor and you're forcing us to take a side yeah i can't i can't stand up for any of the men on this show. One is like the boss is like some rapey frat boy when he gets drunk. Yes. The goofy ass cartoon character who thinks he's hot. That fireman. He's ridiculous. And then there's Danny.

I just can't with any. And even the captain. I'm like, are you even like driving this boat? Every time the captain, he's like, what is it, kids? Yeah, I know. The captain, he's like, what is it, kids? Yeah, I know. Well, because there was some big drama about how they had to tie the boat onto a mooring buoy.

And they threw the rope out to Danny to tie it on. And then he throws the rope back. It's like, Jesus! I thought we were playing catch. What's the problem? Why don't you help me grow? So eventually, after everything is said and done, the captain brings Danny up

and for the first time, he's acting like a captain and he's like, I'm firing you. And Danny's like, oh, but I thought... Yeah, your work has been subpar. You have a problem with everybody? You're out. Just go. Well, captain. That's it! Yeah, that's it.

Okay, well, thanks. Bye. So he leaves, and Brian's like, sorry, bro, the trolleys are broken. You have to take a donkey. And he's like, okay. They just, like... They make him go up the entire cliff in a donkey

when the trolleys are working perfectly fine. And then Danny, this is why the episode title is so good but danny's like the captain said my work with subpar subpar you know the good thing about subpar beautiful what's beautiful about that it means that there's room for improvement oh my god that was one of the most hilarious delusions oh what an honor to be subpar i mean he really is so millennial and the um the other thing we kind of didn't talk oh well the thing that we didn't talk about was they all go out and get wasted and that's when it gets dream havoc every time and just to prove you know every time even

even me when i'm like i hate him so much but then i'll kind of soften like bobby i'm like he's not that bad but yeah he's terrible so they're he's flirting with some guy in drag yeah it was definitely like jay davidson's return to the spotlight yes and julia didn't care she's like well good for him at least he won't try and get me this time or whatever so he's trying to make her jealous it's not working then he's like yeah come to the boat so they start trying to bring this girl on the boat which is a no-no as we learned earlier in the season and his friend brian is totally the boss and helping him do it he's like yeah what's the problem yeah like what's the problem bitch it was you know what it know what? It was, to me, I was like, the feminist inside me was furious because this is exactly, like, the cronyism between these bros, the bending of the rules.

It was all like, ugh, you know? Yeah, they're such sexist. And I loved. I mean, the head waiter in me is disgusted. Yeah. Jesus Christ. You can't even be a maid. But I loved standing standing up

and being like excuse me mr case you didn't remember i've got three stripes on my airplane you've only got one and then but then they're like oh like whatever and you know and i was just like oh it was like i just it just made me feel so bad for women in the workplace all across this country dealing with this shit all the time it has time. It's like whether it's on a yacht or whether it's at some company in the middle of Duluth. This is probably what women have to deal with all the time and that sucks.

Bobby's like, you fucking bitches. And then Julia's like, well that's ridiculous Bobby. You can't just bring a woman onto the boat. You know that. And he's like, shut the fuck up Julia. You've been flirting with me all season. I have a boyfriend and he's like, yeah and he's like shut the fuck up julia like you've been flirting with me all season and so i have a boyfriend he's like yeah and he's a pussy awful there's something about this show where as it approaches its season finale like the chauvinist pig aspects of it come out like with what's his face last season on regular blow deck alex p keaton the way he was

like shaming Rocky. Maybe there's something about being on a yacht which reduces people to their most primal state or something like that. It's awful. Wow, Bobby really had a bad turn on that episode there. But then they already show him next week when he sobers up and he's like, I'm sorry. He's like, well, I didn't appreciate you

bringing my boyfriend into the fight. And he's like, oh, sorry. I mean, we're from the north of England. We're near Cheshire. And it just gets rid of so many things. Oh, can we just agree that I'm not an asshole because I'm rich. I'm just an asshole. She's like, very good, Ben.

Glad we had this talk. Yeah, next week it looks like everyone is hooking up with ben basically hannah and what's her face because hannah's now like i think we can be friends now i feel like we have a beautiful friendship now i'm like wow you have to get you have to make sure your lady boner goes down soon because you're about to get disappointed all over again oh poor thing yeah but that little Animaniac's getting some tail. He's certainly... Women just love him

on this show. They're like, he's so cute. I'm like, really? He looks like a bird to me. Like a buzzard. Ah, darling. We're cooking steak

tonight, darling. They're like, wow! Well, I guess there is something pretty attractive about a man of British accent who cooks good food. I guess, 60% of the time at least. Yeah.

So we, you know, we're going to try to do next week is the Below Deck Mez season finale. I think. Are we going to try to get Kate Chastain to come on to talk about it? I think so. But don't announce it until we know, man. Well, we don't know. I'm just trying. We're just trying, everyone.

Yeah, we're going to drop. We're going to shoot our little tixie. No promises. Everyone just relax. Everyone just relax, okay? Just relax. Calm down, you guys. You're embarrassing.

Calm down. Jesus. You know, it was a subpar promise. But you know what the beautiful thing is? There's always room for better promises. There's always room to improve on our promises all right ben wrap this bitch up all right everyone so um go to patreon.com slash watch for crappins to support this podcast and get access to a bonus episode once per week and also if you donate a certain level you can join our hangout which is happening next Thursday the 28th go to facebook.com

slash watch what crap ends to get involved with the whole conversation join our community there go to watch what crap ends.com to see all our social links and you know keep an eye out on tune in to get all the deets on what our new Bravo Gossip show will be

and when it's going to air on Wednesday. It will be on Wednesdays, I believe. Keep an eye out for that. And until then, everyone have a wonderful, wonderful weekend. We love you all. Thanks so much, everyone. Bye, everybody. Bye.

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