Watch What Crappens - #3124 Southern Charm S11E05 Part One: Pool Intentions

Episode Date: December 18, 2025

This is part one of a two-part recap!Pool time on Southern Charm. Craig throws a party without a woman’s touch, which leads to a bunch of leaky noodles and people going home early. Venita exploits someone’s vagina, and Molly lets Salley have it. To watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Watcher Crappins ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Hello, and welcome to Watch What Crappens. I'm Ronnie, and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Oh, great, great, good to be here.

Welcome, everybody at Southern Chalm Day. And guess what? I think my volume is glad. I'm maxing out. I'm going to turn it down. Turn that beat around and down. Yeah, turn the beat around. Guess what?

It's almost Christmas. You excited? I'm excited. We're going to get some time off. Hanukkah is in full swing. I'm going to make some lockas tonight. I'm also excited yesterday. Thank you to those who reached out with concern about my coughing yesterday.

I just had like something in me. I was not sick. And our friend Judy sent an article later in the day saying, this is why my eyes have been irritated so lately. Apparently there has been, there had been some sort of quote unquote radiation fog that had settled in over Los Angeles, which sounds very scary. but it's like a different meaning of the word radiation. It's like this.

The earth is warm and the air is cold and it causes whatever. So the fog was messing up radiation then. How about that? Yeah. Why don't we not call it radiation? Like I saw charitable. I know. I agree.

I think that like it's really dramatic. Whoever named it radiation fog is a bit dramatic. But that would explain why I all of a sudden started coughing like crazy yesterday and my Judy's eyes were messing up or like irritated and Dom was sniffling. Everyone was like, you know, awry yesterday, but then everyone's back to normal today. So no worries, guys. It was just radiation poisoning, but not the scary kind. It's just like, it's actually like the warm, cuddly radiation, you know,

that kind of just makes you cough a little bit. When we're making radiation like a little bit. Yeah. Well, radiation aside, everybody. Welcome to the show. Monday is our final Amazon Live of the year. It's going to be at 4 p.m. Pacific time. Over on Amazon Live, you can find the links.

where you find them all the time over in our link and bio over on uh instagram and that's it for now and we're just ready to jump right in today what do you think about it man i am ready to jump in i'm ready to jump all the way in me too let's do it all right here we are southern charms season 11 episode five loose lips and deep deep rifts yeah molly is gardening at home which is exciting and She's not happy about it. She doesn't like what's going on with the weeds. She's like, this is a weed. So fuck you, weed.

And then it smacks her in the face. And then we go to Sally and she's in her shruggers. Let me tell you. Everybody knows a weed is a fucker, but they're vindictive. They're vindictive and they're mean. I used to have to pick weeds whenever I was grounded when I was young, which was like all the time. I was always out there picking weeds. And I had to do it with my lesbian aunt Josie.

And I only point out that she's a lesbian because she was a tough, tough ass and very strong, strong lesbian okay and my hands would bleed and she love it she was like that's what you get and now you need to be more careful with how you talk to adults i was like oh god fuck you weed i said fuck you weed so many times molly molly really is a relatable queen why why i just don't understand why weeds can't be prettier because if they were prettier they'd be wonderful because they're so hardy. They always grow back. You know, it's so hard to grow the intentional plants, but the ones that you don't care about, just sprout, they come back over and over and over again. I would like weeds have utility. I mean, like a dandelion. Why can't we follow a dandelion's lead? They're so

cute. They come out. They're yellow. They're sort of like floppy headed. And then they go to seed and they become very whimsical. You know, like why can't more weeds be like that? Instead, they're just so these generic kind of leafy things. Why are evil things so strong, too? Because they're so strong weeds. I mean, I'm pulling those weeds, some of them, and they don't even look that big. But they go down and they get bigger as they go down.

You just can't pull them. I mean, they're just awful, awful things. I got a whole bunch in my garden, like my little gale area. I've got, I've got this beautiful red pepper plant that's just like doing its thing, but there's a weed in there and you just pull it out and it goes back. Also, I got grass growing in my, in my little planter pop.

I'm like, grass, how'd you even get up here? Like, we're above, we're in this, I'm on a terrace. How did grass get in here? But I've got grass, grass is really annoying too. Grass is like a boyfriend. It always comes, it's like a man, like always comes at the wrong time and where you don't need it, you know. Yeah, it smells a little personal down. Yeah.

Yeah. Um, okay, so then Sally is at home. She's on scrubs and we know that she's doing doctory things because she's circling spines. Yeah. Yeah, maybe she's working on Natasha's spine from Vanderpump Rules. That's what I thought of too. I was like, wow, we're really into horses this year. All the shows have horses. And now I think another running theme is going to be crooked spines. Crooked spines. It's funny because I went to occupational therapy yesterday. And really because I had sprained my wrist, but also while I was there, I was like, can you give me some posture, you know, exercises? And now I'm like working on it. And I was like, yeah, like, spines are in right. now. So I kind of like really want to work on my spines are super in right now. I've been working on my posture too. I don't know that it's working really well. But I've been out. Gina's going to get me

in shape. Gina is going to do it all for me with her with her exercises she gave to me. Um, we love Gina. She was she was a big she was a big, she was a big laffer. I love a I love a physical therapist who can laugh, you know. So Sally's circling spines. And then we go to witness's law office and he's there and he's talking to he's like she's like shredding papers. So he's talking to the lady, the receptionist. And he's like, hey, Beth, what's more lawyerly than shredding a bunch of papers? Am I right? She's like, huh? Not much.

Ha, ha. He's like, well, particularly when they're a discovery request that I'm not going to answer, right, Beth? Right. Way to get that on the record. Yeah. And she's like, well, that would require billable hours, though. Just saying. Beth is a just saying person.

Just saying. Listen, nobody needs a secretary who's a just saying secretary, okay? uh well you could have gotten that call if you're here five minutes to earlier just saying she's got funny coffee mugs you just know it like but first coffee well i don't think she does the butt first coffee that's like for the millennials the millennials love the butt first coffee thing hers are just like wish i'd been sleeping or something like that i think her coffee kind of say just saying like just saying I'm all right

it's coffee just saying just um maybe she has one that says the horrors persist but so do I oh or maybe she has this one I'd looked up funny coffee mugs I bet I get shit I guarantee she has this one which says

it's a coffee mug with a baguette on it and says less regrets more baguettes yeah that's a good one I think she was or I wish I wasn't here or just like Mondays, am I right? So Patricia is at home. Now, I love that Patricia hates so much, it hates Randy so much that she's got a gong so that she knows that she's about to be intruded on by Randy because it's martini time,

which I guess means it's like 10 o'clock in the morning. And we just hear gong and he comes in. He's like, uh, it's five o'clock, man. I've got your martini. And he's saying, yeah, I heard the gong, Randy, all right. Now, I got the gong, so I wouldn't have to listen to your voice. The gong is going to answer to you, not you. I'm just impressed that Randy startled himself with the gong.

You know, you usually get startled by things that are unexpected, but you saw yourself, and you made the choice to hit the gong with the mallet, and then you still got startled by the gong noise. He was like, ah, ha, ha, ha. He was. It's like, Randy, you know it coming. you know it's coming and you're still scared but that's randy you know he's working for miss patricia and it's hard i think she probably has pictures of michael everywhere or she has like a handbook with michael's picture on the cover and she's like randy you want to come over here and read

about how michael would do it read it out loud okay everywhere read every word from this page and he's just like uh better better better that's right that's how michael would do it all right go back to your crate all right randy we're going to do a test See those two candle sticks over there? Okay, can you move those? But of course, she points those four. There's four different candles on the table, but she's like, see those two. So Randy's like, oh, must make a judgment call.

So, of course, he takes the most old-fashioned ones. No, not those, the fragrant ones, that the stupid people keep bringing me. Get those out of here. Those are disgusting. All right, smell it. Doesn't it smell gross? It smells. Okay, ma'am, it smells gross.

All right, light it. Okay. now put your hand down towards it further further further do not scream on the gong randy on the gong have you ever seen body of evidence huh just a question uh so she's sipping her martini this one is full of ice is that just the a new first martini of the day kind of a thing because i've never seen her have a martini glass full of ice It's weird. Maybe she, like, on the straight narrow. Yeah,

maybe in the summertime she likes her martini's on the rocks. You know. Maybe she's just trying to get more water. Yeah, maybe that's what it is. So Madison arrives and Randy's like, she's already all got her cocktail. She's meaner than ever.

Be careful. And Madison's like, okay, well, I'm just so jealous. So she walks in, they say hi. Stop drop and roll, stupid.

Stop drop and roll. What's wrong with you? Why are you answering the door on fire? Oh. You know your butler's on fire? You also smells quite good. I gave them on the fragrant candles. Sandalwood.

I never really got that one. Oh, my God. Are you pregnant? Ha, ha, ha. No, I've just been eating. Fat people, am I right? So, um, she's like, yeah, I'm just going out clubbing later. Hey, here.

Well, that's a cute dress. That's not a maternity type dress, is it? And she's like, I just size it. up. Thankfully, I'm just so small normally that I can just wear actual normal sizes from a store, even being nine months pregnant. Well, I worked until I gave birth, wearing, I was wearing what looked like a sack. I would just walk up to art and be like, that looks dumb. It's easy to do that when you're pregnant. And then she said, dressing like a sack when you're pregnant is that you actually give birth to a potato. Randy, take my potato some water, all right. Renob's about to rehearse.

The worst part about being pregnant is giving birth. My labor was literally two days without an epidural or a martini. I did it once and that was enough. I mean, the worst part of being pregnant I would imagine is living with Whitney for 50-something year. The man has a band named Renop. It's boner backwards. So how many months is it now? I'm sort of getting sick and tired of having you over and not drinking.

She's like, well, I have 10 weeks left. It's a lot. It's a lot of 10 left. We've been hanging in there. I'm like, wow. Madison's been pregnant for, I mean, it's not that she's been pregnant for a long time, but I felt like she was on the precipice of giving birth since, like, the first episode. And the fact that she's like, I still have 10 more weeks left.

I was like, damn, it's a long journey. It is. It's a long journey. And then do they appreciate you? No, they never. deal. Never. Well, tell me this.

Are you going to breastfeed? She's like, well, see if you like silicone implants or not. I tried breastfeeding for about 20 seconds. That's my idea of hell. It is funny having the Butler try to do it. But otherwise, mm-hmm. We're going to try to get some milk out of Randy. Could someone put him out, by the way?

I mean, I always say he's flaming, but right now he really is on fire. We just see Randy pass by smoking, running by. have you met Sally's friend Charlie she's super pretty real cute anyway I think a little after uncle's happening because Craig's fly you know flirt with Sally and then Sally flirts with Craig and then I think Sally likes him but Craig's more to Charlie

so Craig's having these girls over and he's hanging out at the hot tub late night party pretty frequently intriguing did anybody sleep with anybody no I don't know if I heard any report back from that just yet okay well until there's some girl on boy action or even some girl on girl action i don't want you coming back to these parks okay so she says you've got some harassment for me to excuse i don't need

to hear any of this i don't care about courtship just the hot stuff so she says yeah she's like i have an old fat i have old-fashioned ideas about courtship i mean what's wrong with having sex in a bed work civilized the hot tub sounds totally disgusting less it's empty and filled with money so madison is it is disgusting having sex and hot tubs also is it felt like yeast infection central that's what my friend tells me yeah i feel like i wouldn't it's also like not like ergonomically it's a little difficult there's a lot of like shapes in a hot tub a lot of like benches or like rounded ledges that are supposed to be like oh you sit here but you they're always sort of like getting in your ass crack and you're like ow like i don't even have to be having sex to be uncomfortable in the hot tub

you know what i'm saying yeah and water makes makes like skin on skin friction weirder it doesn't it doesn't feel right it's like almost like squeaky i don't yeah can i say something as long as we're talking about sex i watched the first 20 minutes of the first episode of heated rivalry last night oh my god i did too literally 20 minutes 20 minutes and i have to say and i didn't hate it why did you turn it off. I didn't hate it, but I also, I was kind of, I didn't love it. I didn't think it was that good. Oh, I did. I loved it. It was like with dialogue, which I really liked, you know, I liked all the, like, close-ups where they, like, touch hands. They're like, like, they touched hands. Or how the Russian guys, like, drinking water really aggressively to flirt. He's like, oh, mom, mom,

I was like, why is that flirting? Maybe hot people just do it different. I mean, I don't know. But I liked it i only turned it off because i was really stoned and i felt like i needed to be completely present um i i turned off honestly i was like a little bored i'm not gonna lie i was just like but i also thought it was funny what well i mean they were 20 i know no i'm gonna continue watching it because i like to support the gay arts and everyone's talking about it i mean it was it was definitely like i liked that they were they i liked this like story but i was like this also felt a little bit unearned to me i'm like we you just started the entire show with them like we didn't even have any sort of like missed encounter kind of

moment or like wait does he is that guy gay it just was like kind of started off hot and heavy and i was like i what about the what about the build up okay am i am i just too old fashion i feel like these shows you need to have at least one episode of like oh my god is something going to happen with these guys but it was like really it was so fast it kind of like took away some of the excitement for me oh well i felt like there was a lot of build-up because first they're in the locker room and then the russian guy starts to jerk off at him and he doesn't jump his bones right in the shower so i thought that was the build-up that was like a whole relationship sometimes in the eight terms you know it's like they actually made a date to go meet in a room so i thought that that was like really good character

development um i really liked it because i felt like it was like a steamy stupid soap opera but for gays so i and i love a good steamy soap opera so i was like yes finally some some gays getting their their sops on i did like that yeah i like that the gays it's so stupid it's like of course the russian guy has a dad who's like you do it for russia this is only for mother russia you little shit of course he's terrible and only cares about russia and then the mom the other guy's mom is like you're doing this for asian children everywhere no fuck it up you know it's like the the parental pressure which i really i don't know i really yeah i only stopped watching it because i was stoned and that makes me um paranoid and i live

alone but i still kept looking around like oh my god who is someone watching me like i felt like paranoid that i was watching something dirty and like i was going to get in trouble You're afraid the mom was going to come through the TV and be like, I see the smut that you're watching. Yeah. So I was like, I need to watch this when I'm like in of sound mind. So I can be properly turned on and not feel guilty about it. Well, I apologize ahead of time because I just ruined our chances yet again for us to earn a glad media award because we're not. We're not ever getting that.

Heeded rivalry. That's something negative, but he did rivalry. It just felt like it just jumped right. into it i'm like um come on you need to tease it out you need to make up be like oh my god oh my god the tension the sexual tension so amazing they're just like no we don't believe in sexual tension but that is very gay too well they has text you like oh no because they flirted remember when they were in the locker room before they almost had sex but well i guess this was when they were working out and then they were one of them was on the um the the the bike thing what do you call it

the peloton and then the other guy came he was like really lazy and depressed and going slow and then the Russian comes in and he goes really fast on the peloton and so the other guy's like I'm going to go as fast as him so they compete on the peloton that was hot and then when they sat in the locker room and then drink water really fast and aggressively while he'd like spread his legs and kind of touched his hand I was like this is hot I mean this is definitely hot I think I mean that's that's enough of the script I did like the water bottle passing moment but I still felt like that was like in the first five minutes I'm like again you're jumping into But like, I just tease it out.

It gives me one episode of teasing it out. That's all I asked for. And then I'm in. I just was so, it was, they just jumped right into it. And again, that is very gay. I mean, that's how gay hookups happen. It's like literally walking down the street and then boop. But, um, I think the drama is going to come from, you know, you hook up and it's one thing.

But then, you know, you're competing against each other in a very straight sport. So what's the drama? Like, how do you stay together? And are you going to keep hooking up? Because. that's not as gay right when it's like the same guy over and over for years and years like what do you do there's drama and that too you know like oh my god you have to have sex with the same person what the drama is going to get crazy i don't know well i'll still watch it i'll still watch it i'll

keep i'm gonna watch it i'll tell you that there was a show on the c w that i felt like covered similar territory that was a lot hotter i'm going to watch it and i'll tell you what i'll be holding the whole time not my penis but a fan an old church fan too i'm gonna get like one of those clackety fans we go clack and then i just fan myself watch it like um heated rivalry well the show that i liked on the cw was called the la complex and it was um it was also a canadian show and it was about like young people in l.a trying to make it and there was like one guy who was like an intern for like um like a musician and then And then, like, you know, over the course of several episodes, it turns out, like, the musician's closeted gay and they start like a romance.

And you're like, oh, my God, oh, my God, this is the hottest thing of all time. Because they teased it out. They tease it out. But you know what I'm not teasing out right now? Well, not air. Yeah. Get in there. Bang them.

Bang them, slam them. Thank you, ma'am. Be done with it. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappence commercial. So, yeah, so they're gossiping about the kids who are having sex or not. And then we go over to Witness Literary themed dinner party flashback and why Austin and Craig got into a fight, which is still the dumbest fight of all time. I don't even want to talk about it anymore.

So then Madison's just basically telling Patricia that Craig lost it. And Patricia's like, well, I mean, it was just such an innocuous statement. Is he all right? It's like, no. I mean, obviously he's heartbroken. Page, the devil woman, broke Craig's heart. He'll never be the same. The late night hot tubs, the drinking.

It's just a boy that he's trying to feel because he's not over page. And then we see, um, they really do work overtime to get as much page content into this episode as possible. You know, they have so many flashbacks of page. It's like, hey, there's that place. That's where Craig gets coffee. Remember what Craig we got coffee with Paige? And it'd be like a flashback of Craig and Paige getting coffee and page being like, hmm, here's a coffee. I'm like, wow, they really want to get, they really want to increase the amount of page

they can get on bravo while they can. Yeah. Well, he's got to get it under control before it just takes back over his life. I mean, what is the life of hot tubs and drinking and having fun all night? It sounds terrible. Yeah, well, I may need another one. Did they get me another martini? Hey, Gonger, have you put yourself out yet?

Gonger thing and bring me another drink. Oh, unfortunately, Rian. He's just been reduced down to a pile of ashes. What was fun while we had him. So now we go over to Craig's house and he is trying to empty out the water from a volleyball net. I guess the water that backses the wheat or whatever. Yeah, it's like the weight. And he's there with Jack, his assistant.

I think we first met Jack on the episode that we did not recap over Thanksgiving. And the first thing that I thought of when I saw Jack then is, is that I think it's so funny that Craig got an assistant whose face looks just like Pages. And if you'd look at Jack's face, it's Page. It's Paige with like a little Southern haircut and a polo shirt. Absolutely. If you look at it, it's Paige's face. I was like, okay.

You got an assistant with Page Face. I thought that in when I was watching this, my only thought when I saw Jack was in Jack's mind, this is he did rivalry. Mike, I feel like Jack is taking everything. does, yeah, is like kind of a sign. You know, like, oh, my God, I'm helping Craig with another party today. I hope I'm invited, you know? I think it's like super sexy in Jack's mind. And Craig's like, well, I held the volleyball stand.

It works because, like, that's the main event of my party. Yeah, it's going to be like a really, yeah, this is how you can tell Paige is not here anymore because page would be like volleyball is the main event. Craig, no, absolutely not. It's going to be a table with cocktails on it. But yeah, for Craig, volleyball is going to be the thing that happens. And so they're pouring out all this shit. And it's just like, it's so gross.

Like you see this green water coming out of the base of this volleyball net. And he's like, well, it's been in there for a few years, right? Okay. So what can I say? So Jack has just discussed it. Jack is playing the role of Paige today. He just has his arms crossed. And he's like, well, I wish I could give you a lashing the way what Paige did.

But I'm actually on your payroll, so I can't. But we could have a heated rivalry if you want. Should this be a romantic moment? No? I can't just stare at the cameras and disgust a lot of the time, which is what he does. He just keeps looking at the cameras. Like, did you hear that? Craig is like, yeah, those waters been here for two years.

He's like, did you hear that? Yeah. So has everything going, Jack? And he's like, you know, just getting everything ready for the party that you're pretending to throw by yourself. He's like, yeah, I know, it should be fun. There's like a couple of minute, last minute requests, though, okay? So, and Jack goes, oh, great.

I hear some of those undertones in there. Were those undertones? No, what are you talking about? Looks at the camera. Like, can you hear this bitch? Did you just hear this bitch? The only thing I was thinking of if we call a power washing company tomorrow and see if they can come blast this, because I think it'll look a lot nicer because Connor's going to set up a Civeja station here.

It's like a Memorial Day pull party from when we were a little. So I think that we're, you know, when we were little, you know, Memorial Day was Saviche. So I was kind of thinking like we lean into it a little bit. more attack but be like tacky and be like we normally would be like a lot of stars and jack's like okay so you just want to an elevated memorial day party okay sure got it undertones i heard undertones oh also yeah we need a power washer okay power wash it he's like mm-hmm mm-hmm okay same day power washing got it got it i'll just go hire a power washing company in the next five minutes to show up here in the next 10 sounds great craig yeah to power wash

a coffee table so you can put saviche on it and then also like it's so crag to be like yeah let's have like a memorial day pool party from like when we were a little because i'm memorial things but what is like the what are like the childhood memorial day party like pool parties i feel like they're just pool parties right and that's just so crag you know he like makes you like sit like angels in the outfield or something like this movie is so good i loved it as a kid you guys want to come over watch angels in the outfield he does that like every weekend well charlie sheen's a really good actor was that charlie sheen that was not mighty ducks that was maybe major league amelio estavis was mighty ducks yeah angels in the outfield was

i don't know what was the one about the kid who had armed like the rookie rookie of the year honestly i didn't watch a ton of those i didn't really understand them They needed more gay sex, which is why he did rival reworks. You're right. They did need more of that. They didn't need more of that. That's true. Except like not bad news bears or something like that.

But like, you know, like the, what were the ones you just said? Don't even have. Maybe I'm filled of dreams could have used some more gay sex. I never saw that. I never saw field of dreams. You know, I mean, I'm going to have gay sex when you say if they, if you build it, they will come. Like it sounds like the perfect gay log line. Well, I'm also down, you know, like I also.

So, you know, like, Jerry McGuire is, that's a good one. That's football. That was pretty good. That could have used more gay sex, though. Could have used it. But, you know, Cuba Gooding Jr. in that towel will always stay with me. So I appreciate that. Yeah, it's gay enough.

Yeah, that's pretty good. Also, it's where we learned that the human brain weighed eight pounds. So that was important. And it brought us to Renee Zelliger. And Bonnie Hunt. Well, Bonnie Hunt was with us already. But, like, that was, that was the, that was when we. realize that we all needed a laurel in our lives in the form of bonnie hunt to give us some good

advice that we just wouldn't listen to so craig's like yeah i love throwing parties like i was the social chair my fraternity in college do we believe that i almost fact checked it fact checked it right on the spot but i don't know how to um i believe he was a social chair i also don't know if being a social chair and a fraternity makes you qualified to throw a quote-unquote, like, adult party, you know, many years later, 15 years later. I'm just not sure. Yeah. It says, yes, Craig Conover was the social chair of his fraternity Kappa Sigma while attending

the College of Charleston. Well, he mentioned it in an interview, so I don't know. That's the thing. Like, you can't fact check Craig because every time you try and fact check him, he's already given interview where he's given the fact. So I need someone else. Someone else. Let's just let's just have like a crazy conspiracy. Well, it's not that crazy because Craig is always lying. So that's why I'm asking. So anyway, he's like, my parties have just graduated throughout the years. And then we see a flashback to 2018. Cameron, of course. It's always Cameron's judging this. She's like,

do you even have eyes? Ew, Craig. You don't have eyes? I won't shoot the show anymore. I'm too good to be on a show without either parties. We're going to need a new judgey, judgy girl on this show. I mean, Madison is pretty judgy, but she's also got a baby coming, and she's just going to be too busy to deal with Craig. So we need someone else.

Maybe Charlie can step into this role of someone who just is disgusted by Craig and wants to boss him around and like, you know, make him better himself. Because that's like a really fun role for me on Southern Charm. I enjoy watching that. I do, too. And it's one of the things that made this show so successful was Cameron.

I think that they should just kind of reboot this show and do it all like they're going to do with Orange County, where they're bringing back a bunch of the originals and just bring back most of the original cast. I mean, I know most of them are in jail or completely canceled by now, but at least age appropriate people. I mean, I didn't love her, but I mean, you know, like Cameron. Is that the only one I could. I'm trying to anyone else could come on that's not canceled. I mean, Catherine, I think, is in jail for like 30 days or something for D.E. Kelsey, Cameron, Chelsea, Danny are the only OG girls I can think of. And Jenna basically didn't make an impression.

Well, what about Landon? Yeah, get all the terrible people back. I think it needs it because right now it's just all the guys have gotten old. It's like the Matthew McConaughey. Like, I love dating high school girls because we get older. but they stay the same and it's just not as fun watching you know young people be like oh my god you think he likes me no he's going to use you okay and they're okay with it because they just want the likes on instagram or whatever i need like the older people i think that would get them more of a run

for their money like audrey if he breaks up with audrey or not i mean who cares she's like too young or she's like she's probably not there for the right reasons we all know it's not going to work I need somebody who can give them a run for their money. Well, we actually already have a comment from Landon at the idea of coming back to the show. Landon, we miss you. Maybe we should have Ramona come and join the show. So Craig's like, yeah, I just, I want to host so badly, but like, maybe I should just let, like, the yard be the host. And, uh, once this bunce just looks at the camera.

Like, you fucking kid. Is this guy fucking kidding with me? It's like B. Arthur was reincarnated into this gay assistant. What, what sort of host says let the yard be the host? That is the laziest rebrand of, and like passing the buck of not wanted to do any of the effort of being a host. But yeah, I'll be like, the yard is like, you know, because like the garden will be open. So if someone wants to pick tomatoes and peppers, why do people want to pick tomatoes and peppers at your party? Why?

Is he thinking like for the mixology? Like if you want to make a cocktail, you like get it fresh. It's like some weird attempt at being like Martha Stewart right now. Like no, no, no, no one wants your tomatoes that are probably growing within a foot of the beehive and they'll get stung. No, Craig, no, the yard is not the host. It doesn't work like that. It makes no sense. He's like, I paid for the yard.

So that's enough. I got the setting. Everybody else figure it out. So he's like, well, we're getting honey from the hives to give to the bartenders for the signature cocktail. And we're going to have a slushy machine. And I told Charlie we could do piniacoladas because she really likes those. And we see a flashback to Charlie being like, oh, my God, I love a frozen drink. I love pinocaladas.

She's like, if you love pinia calatas, am I right, Craig? I don't get it. Do you like getting caught in the rain? no do you like making love at midnight it's a little late for me okay Craig you're not you're not really yes anding me here except Craig would know all those words because he's like a yacht rock kind of a guy um I think he's like remember listening that song when you're a little if you like being a lot uh he just shows up its page and Craig show up at a at a restaurant together just like damn it hmm never

should have answered that ad so Craig is talking about how it's so nice having a crush on someone again because it reminds you that that feeling is possible so charlie's taking my mind off page yeah like she just has which is why i'm still talking about page and this party i can't seem to host without page oh page and also flirting with sally at the same time and kind of falling in love with jack because he's kind of kind of got page's face i don't know jack's like oh my god he's screaming page and rocking back and forth now's my chance now's my chance okay i'm better now damn it damn it oh and then we see here now i remember this detail now and now everything makes sense so craig goes oh i also i have to pick up some drop hop for bottles for austin because like that's my gesture because

like we got into a fight so now i know why he's really mad that austin didn't show up because he's like i bought drop hop for you from you and for you and he didn't even show up and now i'm stuck with drop hop at my house. Now I see why he's so mad later on. Well, he says he's got to pick him up. He didn't say he had to buy him. Oh, probably just called whoever and went down and got some free ones. And he's like, yeah, I mean, I shouldn't have yelled, but I apologize to him. So I hope he comes. And Jack's like, well, I just can't imagine him not coming. Looking at the camera. Sort of, sort of like me and you later night. Am I right? Heated rivalry fantasy. Sorry. So we go to vanita's house and vanita's like well i don't think i had an egg this jammy before i'm scared

and it's a classic vanita and charles scene where she is she's really pushing the limits of of adrenaline with that jammy egg situation i hope she's okay with that extra jammy egg she's never had one so jammy before everyone america will she survive will she survive i love a i love a charles scene i was just glad to see charles there looking all handsome Yeah, but he was getting upstate by the jammy. Yes, we've seen heated rivalry, Charles. Okay. God.

Put down the remote control. Don't you agree, though? There should have been a little bit more of a buildup. Quiet, Charles. Make my jammy egg. So Vanita, as she does every day, I'm sure, calls Austin. And she's like, how high? Where are you?

And he's like, I'm Charlotte. I just wanted to get out of town for a second. I just wanted Audrey to like meet the cats. You know, there's Audrey back there. There she is. Yeah. Yeah, the car broke down. So she's pushing us towards the gas station.

Hey, Audrey, say hi. She's like, oh, hi. And Vinita's like, I'm not buying the rumor. Austin and Audrey are well suited for each other, but I don't know if Austin will ever be mature enough to put a ring on someone's hand, but I think they are quite cute together. And I don't know.

I'm rooting for him. So then Austin puts like Piper on camera because he's like not really going to put Audrey on camera, but he'll definitely like zoom in on the cat. And Vina is like, oh my God, Piper, so cute. Yeah. So what are you doing? What are you up to you right now? Um, just making a jammy egg, probably the jammiest egg I've ever made in my life. I actually am like so glad you're here to witness this because I don't think I've ever had something so jammy and if I die just know she died eating the jammiest egg of her life. Well, I haven't processed fully how Craig just flipped on it. He's left on it. And so we see the party of flipping out. And he's like, well, I mean, I talked to Shepie yesterday after days of not speaking to him. I mean, it had been dead.

spinning to watch her face all the spits coming through the phone she's just like yeah that was right she's like you got spit on my jammy egg and austin we see this flashback of austin call and chef and chef is sitting on a staircase and austin's like yeah i don't want to call yet because i've just been doing a lot of thinking the first of my life and like why do my two friends feel the need to just like attack me so fucking callously and it just like smacked me in the face i'm like says everyone who's dealt like within three inches of your tongue just flashed lapping around and he's like, I was just like out questioning fucking everything. I was like, are you dudes even so my friends?

Like, I was just like so hurt by all of it. It's insane right now. Commercials. Here comes one right now. I know. I'm just sick over this thing. I mean, you're my brother. And I played a small part, but a part of it nonetheless.

Oh, you've had a terrible week. I'm hurt. Did I hurt you? So Austin's saying, yeah, well, you know, Shep would be very upset by me choosing to ignore him. Like, I think my friends view me as a target, and that's that I'm going to forgive them. Okay, Mr. Victim, you just did this same thing all last year to Craig. And before you did this and kind of to Shep, too, called him a loser for that girl he was dating. Not that you were wrong on either count.

But this is what you guys do to each other. So what do you want for me? Exactly. So Vanita's like, well, Shep's reaction, that's a real friend because he's not saying, oh, you need to change these things about yourself and then come back to me.

He's like, how do I do better for you and your friendship? And then he's going to like not follow that advice, but at least he's asking, you know? And meanwhile, Craig's just like, well, that's how I feel and get on that. Yeah, because it's been really tough the past few days to come to that realization.

I mean, I guess I could have just like watch her own TV show and I would have realized it a lot sooner. But who does that? Okay, like, I was like, wait, wait a minute. A real friend wouldn't be taking pleasure of making you feel like shit it's insane and vanita who's not subtle at all it's like yeah Craig is way worse than Shep get rid of Craig and also Sally has to stop hanging out with him too I don't like it and I'm I'm gonna be on pages Amazon live one day damn it so everybody

stopped talking to Craig yeah and Vanita yeah she's like yeah it's awful so now we go to Molly driving her Mitsubishi and Molly's like oh my god it's so pretty today is that a low Oh, my God, it's Prime Shark Tooth hunting time. Let me call my mother. That's actually a, that's not just us summarizing. That's literally what she said. She says, it's Prime Shark Tooth Hunting Time. Let me call my mother.

I like this scene because this is Molly. And I know that it's just shot this way because they're shooting it. But she's just the way she was driving. All these cars are passing by and going. And Molly's just stopping in the middle of the road talking on her phone. She's not even pretending to drive half the time. It was so funny to me. You just see all these cars trying to go around her.

So her dad answers. And she's like, hello? She's like, mom. No, she's out in physical therapy. But, you know, shall we call you when she gets home? She's like, it's okay. I can talk to you. I'm just like, I'm just driving back from Keith's dad.

He's like, who's Keith? What's that all about? He's like, what you mean? Who's Keith, dad? Keith Bradshaw. Who? Oh, I love that. Oh, I love that.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, Keith Bradshaw with all those funny columns about going out to brunch with his girlfriends. That's Carrie Bradshaw, dad. Keith Bradshaw. Yeah, okay. Well, I don't know who that is. The one that I'm recording the song with? Oh, that Keith. Yeah, that guy. Keith Richards. Christ, Dad. Keith Richards, right? I'm so proud of you're working with the Rolling Stones. No, dad. I'm just some random old dude on a sofa that I'm going to sing along next to. Oh, okay, well, that's pretty cool, too. So we see this guy. She's singing with him, and she sings, she just likes sing some, some lyric.

And she's like, willingly attach me, no fear, no doubt, only lonely souls inside and out. I saw her clip. She was singing at Craig and Austin's restaurant, by the way. Is that what it's called? By the way? That's what it called, right? I don't remember what it's called And she sounded pretty

She was like singing with the band there Whatever Yeah, there's a nice little voice So she says that our parents Have always been her biggest supporters They've always wanted her to do all the things And she goes, not to shoot my own horn Pun intended if you follow me

But I was good at a lot of stuff And we see her last week Sitting with her parents And he's like her dad is like I remember the first time I heard you sing solo And I didn't know who it was was that I was playing a euphonium. Well, that explains a lot. I was like, wow, she's got a deep voice. Yeah, your daddy turned to me and said, who's that singing Olivia Newton John or something? I said,

it's a trombone. Too soon. Also, by the way, too soon. So, they live in Newton, John. That's so, the fact that like that was his, that was his references so cute. like who is that who's singing right now is that olivia newton john why is our daughter singing about getting physical yeah my dad's like you have to do more with your singing you know like you could be famous you could be like the next taylor swift so maybe i'll do yeah yeah what's happening right now so she says that she's gonna try to do an open mic night because she's never done that before and he's like yeah well i remember when you sang in all those high school musicals that you were singing at andy's wedding and that was amazing and so classic

oh and j am i right okay dad i'm not olivian newton john you can just you can get that up okay we're two different people and she talks about how she's always had performance anxiety and one time she had to do a piano recital a recital when she was eight or nine and she was playing and she forgot where she was and so she freaked out and she stood up and just ran down the aisle of the church and left them everything. Which I really like. I used to try and make my parents get nervous in piano recitals because the teacher would be like,

Ronnie won't practice. He doesn't know what he's doing. My parents were like, oh my God, Ronnie's going to be terrible. And my mom was especially worried about being so embarrassed. And then I would get up there and just play the shit out of it. And they're like, oh, my God, when did you learn to do that? I was like, I was practicing, but I didn't want my mom to know

just so she'd have a nervous breakdown, you guys. And that was chopsticks. Haboom. A chopsticks. So Molly's saying like Michael saying, Hey, Molly, who doesn't get nervous? I mean, I had to go to court like a week after I became a lawyer and I was scared shitless.

I didn't know what to do. And Molly's like, yeah, that would have freaked me out, especially because I'm not even a lawyer. So she says, I think I stood in my own way with a lot of things. but I've gotten myself to a point where I just feel like I'm ready to mentally start facing my fears and doing all the things that bring me joy. So she's going to sing. Yeah. So then we go to Sally's house and she's pulling out ingredients for drinks and stuff.

And Charlie comes over, oh, it's not drinks. It's a cake. She's making a cake. She's making her mom's recipe from scratch. And it's grandma's recipe. And it was written on, you know, I don't know, some newspaper or something. And then they photographed it and it's all stained and nasty. And so they're making it, which is kind of sweet.

But I mean, you could just look up coffee cake. Just saying it's on Google. It's grandma's coffee cake. Oh, I guess she does say mom's coffee cake. But I thought it was grandma's coffee cake. Well, either way, whatever it is. She's crying because she says that it's a generational coffee cake. Okay.

They bake this coffee cake every Christmas Eve, which is, so, you know, listen, look, I am not Christian, but it's, Is coffee cake a traditional thing that you make on Christmas Eve? Is that something that is known? It's like something you probably give to people. Maybe they can eat it in the morning. I don't know. It's like deck the halls with boughs of Holly and some coffee cake.

I've never heard of it being a tradition. But, you know, I mean, we had boiled beef at my Mee ma'aw's house and green beans every Christmas Eve. Does that mean I need to have it every year? It does not. I will not do it. Love you, Mi Ma'am. Hope you're up there having a great old time. And I hope you're not boiling beef for Jesus because it sucks.

okay well well you know what I I guarantee the way this coffee cake came into existence on Christmas Eve was that like this poor grandmother was probably busy and harried and her mom her her kids were complaining and like we want cake we want a cake it's like fun you want a cake you can get a coffee cake because that's all the time that's the little time that's all I can make with this time that I have just throws a coffee cake on the table and they're like but we want another cake we want like a Christmas cake and they're probably she's probably just like you know what I made you a coffee cake and that's what you can get and that's all you're ever going to get on Christmas Eve and then just became their tradition.

It was like a coffee cake out of rage because she just ran out of time. Yeah. Raged coffee cake. Yeah. So she's like, okay, open these two sticks of butter, okay? Oh, wait. First she talks about how her grandma passed away. So it was sad.

So they're still going to make it. And so it's two sticks of butter. I imagine if they didn't make it. It's like, I would make it, but my grandma's dead. So I'm not making a dead person's coffee cake. But she does make it. Yeah. And so they're trying to figure it out.

And Charlie doesn't know what ounces are. And so that's hard. And so then they're like, how many ounces are in a cup? And so she tries to guess. And it takes her three guesses to get it. She gets there. She doesn't like her initial guess of 16 was a totally fair guess.

It's eight. But the thing is like so many things are 60. Like I think it's, is it 16 ounces in a pound? I don't know. I feel like that was a. Bravo likes to roast their cast members with trivial. knowledge i don't think that ounces in a cup is a fair one i think that's like very confusing i think

it's it's totally fair to think it's 16 instead of eight because of the pound situation so i'm giving charlie a pass okay that's fair i didn't really know either so yeah i feel like bravo needs i don't really getts a little bit i mean the cups a cup yeah cups a cup so um charlie go right you should be using grams anyway in the scale okay go back to well yeah that's what i was going to say, like, I don't, I think that would be more important than learning ounces in cups would be learning how many grams things are. But I don't know. Yeah. What do I know? So, Charlie's like, yeah, even though Sally and I's friendship is new, I feel like we bonded more than sisters, but we've had to navigate a lot of normal friendship. We haven't had to

navigate a lot of normal friendship struggles yet until this handsome man came in off the road and asked me to find him a watercolor of a panda or a tiger or a bear. So this means that they basically don't know each other and they're pretending like they're super great friends. So then Sally's like, hey, do you want to crack this egg? And Charlie's like, sure, it's the entire egg. She's like, yeah, of course it's the entire egg. And I was totally on Charlie's side when she was like, yeah,

but some people just cook with yolks. Yeah, Sally. I'm like you're a little baker and you're shaming someone for suggesting that it might. just use an egg or a white. Yeah. And she's like, well, soon, we're going to be able to go back there and get the eggs. She goes, oh, you're getting your chickens?

And she's like, me and Craig, me and Craig are going to go pick out chickens together. Yeah, this is a weird power move on her part. She's like, I was talking to Craig in the hot tub about life and kind of like, we want the farms and stuff. And I was like, I always want the chickens. It was actually more like, I always want chickens, which he said was a weird thing to to say at that moment but it was true it was from the heart and he was like you could do it and i'm like yeah i'm gonna get fucking chickens yeah sally you're kind of trying a little too hard you everyone saw the scene of craig at the goat place with page talking about getting goats or whatever

the fuck that was we know what you're trying to do and the man is not going to marry you and he can get the eggs for free okay yeah southern saying like or very easily easily at this at the supermarket don't ever get chickens for a man telling you that right no just don't do it because the chickens are obnoxious annoying they're they're obnoxious enough without remembering the guy that jumped you for charlie while you while they bite your meat you know don't don't get chickens don't get chickens for a man that's like i think that's always like a really good piece of advice i think it works in a really yeah situation yeah and so um they put the cake in the oven and then i don't think we ever see it again you know charlie's like should we put some cinnamon on top i was like

okay charlie that's okay you're losing me again now um and it's a bun cakes so that's not even the top that's the bottom she doesn't even understand bun cakes so they go out they go sit on the couch where the dogs are just both like lying they're dead and um sally is like oh my god this is the perfect baby and so charlie's like have you talked to mollie since the party and of course they didn't because I don't think they even would talk to Molly even if there weren't a beef. Molly lives in her own parallel universe to this show where she just sort of has scenes and sometimes interacts because like people coincidentally are in a scene with her. But I don't really believe she's actually on Southern Charm. Yeah, she's on something else. She's on a different show. She's on like her own

little show. It's like one of those little Pixar movies they show you before an actual full length movie. You know, it's just a minute and it's really cute. And then after you Google like the paperclip thing. show me that again and you watch it over and over uh it's like that yeah she just is not on the show so sally is like yeah so uh we see witness birthday party and sally's like you've been telling everyone that i've been calling dibs on the guys with who and we see that vanita takes up for sally so then sally now back in the president is like yeah venita had molly's back a little and i was like oh but i think she's worried i'm going to date craig i mean i do i think he's

attractive and like his personality and if he made a move would i be into it yeah and like sally is saying this she's talking about vanita but what she's really doing is she's warning charlie lay off my man right like that's what she's really doing here yes and charlie is like well and it's working because charlie's like oh her face is like oh and she says you know i do feel like i'm walking on eggshells with Sally because of Craig, but it's the only thing that Sally and I have ever thought about and I don't like it. But you've known each other

for five minutes, so give it time. And Charlie says, yeah, but you know, I can tell there's something between Craig and I, you know, and Charleston is so small if I have to exclude every single guy that one of my friends has a crush on at one point in their lives, I'd be done forever, you know? And so

Sally's like, well, I'm going to continue to do what makes me happy. And Charlie's like, I hope you remembered that advice when I do. what makes me happy, which is take Craig's suckle. Exactly. It's just so funny that Sally is, like, offended that Vanita doesn't 100% have her back when Sally is the one who is, who did it first, basically, to Vanita. Also, more offensively, the scene ends now, and we don't even see how the cake turns out. It was like Chekhov's cake, but they didn't do the checkup part, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

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