Watch What Crappens - #313: Where the Disses Are Hers and Hers and His

Episode Date: July 26, 2016

Come on knock on our door. We've been waiting for you! It's time to talk about the bonkers fight on this week's Real Housewives of Orange County! Then it's on to MJ's silly renewal party on Shahs of Sunset, and finally, we catch up with Siggy the Sea Monster on Real Housewives of NJ. Come listen! 00:00:00 - Intro 00:06:46 - Crappens Mailbag 00:22:58 - RHOC 01:08:56 - Shahs of Sunset 01:26:33 - RHONJ Subscribe at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

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and the Rose Pricks podcast and Big Brother Smother podcast. Hi Ronnie, what's going on? What's body happening? Hi Ben! How are you today? And the Rose Pricks Podcast. And Big Brother Smother Podcast. Hi, Ronnie. What's going on? What's up? Hi, Ben. How are you today? How are you? Good.

I'm doing so good. So much good TV. I watched the Real Housewives of Orange County disco party before we started recording today. So I'm tired from laughing so hard. That shit was amazing. It was amazing. was amazing it was absolutely amazing um it also uh it also resulted in a brand new soundbite for this podcast which i will play during the recap of that oh god so get excited for me how you you who you who you who

i i you know what that was not it i was like you know what this is one of those things where Who? You. Who? You. Who? You. Who? You know what? That was not it. I was like, you know what? This is one of those things where I think it'll just agitate me if I play this too much. I felt like they were recreating the song from Labyrinth, you know? You remind me of the babe. What babe?

Babe with the power. What power? Power of voodoo. Voodoo? Voodoo? Voodoo? Voodoo? I thought they were advertising the chocolate milk drink you who oh yeah what a bad time for that to be out of business you who you who you

they're not out of business actually i have been one not i have been known to enjoy a you who from from you know time to time oh man why open this with disappointment why must you disappoint i think you're thinking of the opening i think you're thinking of yahoo not you who no you who is just i mean yahoo is the company matt works for that was just bought by verizon yeah i've always thought of them more as like a cricket wireless bye wow that's just really you just really demoted matt woodfielder i mean it's one thing for me to say that they're out of business. It's another for you to say that they're like cricket wireless. I'm just testing Matt Whitfield.

I want to see how mad I can get Matt before our next Big Brother podcast. Oh, and you're going to have a lot to talk about on that one. Big Brother's been great. But in the meantime, everyone, welcome to the podcast. If you want to follow me or Ronnie ronnie on social media go to watch for crappins.com you'll find links to all our social media including the watch for crappins twitter which is at twitter.com slash what crappins we just posted a poll today asking whose side are you on are you on shannon bedore slash roper are you on kelly's side are you on jackie's

side or you on nina's side from the orange county thing so make your voice heard and go vote in that poll uh jackie and nina for life okay you fuck off you stupid people you go fuck yourself lady who is this woman it's nina from project runway but boobs, a new face, and a new cell phone. Yeah, and I had a hard time trying to figure out if she was Russian or Brazilian. And I decided that she was somewhere in between. I think she's kidding. I don't even think she's any. I think she's just some rando dude from, you know, like, Gardena or something.

Yeah, I think so. She has a fake accent and a wig. Yeah. And works at Panda Express on the weekends. So, so if you want our social media, go to watch for crappins.com, facebook.com forward slash watch for crappins.

We can join in the conversation. Great online community there that you should be a part of if you're not already. And if you want to support the show, go to patreon.com forward slash watch for crappins. You get access to things like a weekly bonus episode. We just recorded a really fun and fiery one where we basically debated the merits of Hillary Clinton while concluding that we are both going to vote for her, but still thought about it. I didn't say that.

I just said I wasn't going to vote for Trump. Oh, OK. Well, in that case, there may be a Jill vote out there. I'll still vote for Bernie. I love an angry old man. Alright, you do that. In the meantime, while Ronnie gets his gay rights taken away from him, we also

talked about Food Network Star, which is really what... Trump and Hillary are not the problem with America. It's Food Network Star. So we really go in on that. Food Network Stars should not be allowed to get married, damn it. That's true. Watching the contestants on Food Network Stars should make the GOP rethink everything.

Because if you can't fight for abortion after watching that show... I'm just imagining Food Network Star. I just imagine Joy approaching, speaking at the RNC. The immigrants are going to come into our country and stock our stores all full of kimchi. Ew. Build a wall where I come from. That's a fence. And you put it up so the cows stay by your house. We also, by the way, for our Patreon supporters, we're doing a Google Hangout this Thursday.

So everyone tune in or come to it because it's super fun when we do it. Details on our Facebook page. So now, wow, we got a big show. We have Real Houses of Orange County, which was pure insanity. We have Shazza Sunset, which also went to a kind of insane place. And we have Real Houses of New Jersey to talk about this week. But first, let us open up... Oh, wait, wait.

Before we open up the Crap It's Mailbag, we have to remind everyone that Ronnie and I are going to be doing a show for TuneIn. It starts next week. I believe it's next Wednesday. TuneIn. We're going to be doing a Watcher Crappin's Bravo Gossip show. So make sure, if you haven't signed up for TuneIn, go sign up for it so you can listen to us.

So excited. So excited, as you would say. So excited. So excited. In the meantime, grab his mailbag. Yay! Wow, the mailbag overflowing. So the first one we have here is from Marg Nap.

Marg Nap says, About to play my first game of Catan with my 10-year-old and 12-year-old. Yay! So that in mind, if you were to host a board game party, which housewives would you invite and what game would you play?

I would have stoned Bethany and Carol, tipsy Megan King-Edmonds, and over-champed Heather Dubrow. We would play a trivia game. Imagine the one-upmanship there. Ronnie, what game would you play with Witch Housewives? I would play Canasta

because I know how to play it. That's not a board game though. Do I have to pick a game on a board? No, that counts. I pick Trivial Pursuit with Vicky, Ramona, Shannon, and Luanne. Okay. Nobody would know anything.

They'd just be fighting over every single answer. Ramona would just keep going, I told you, okay? It's what I've read. It's the truth. God is a liar, okay? They would just be fighting over which category to choose. I really feel like I should play sports. I played volleyball in high school.

I think I'd be really well equipped to answer the sports. Luanne, you don't know anything about sports. What's wrong with you? Why would you choose sports? Okay, I choose food. That's not a category, but I don't care. I choose food. I love, whoa, whoa, whoa. This reminds me, when I was younger, I used to love organizing things in different categories, okay?

So this game really reminds me of my childhood, okay? I choose bathing suits. That's not a category, Ramona. What's the question? Okay, bathing suits. I think I would want, I mean, I think I really would like to play Catan

because I love Catan. I would play with Lisa Rinna. I'd play with Ramona. I'd play with Bethany. And I'd play with Ramona I'd play with Bethany and I'd play with Shannon Bedore, you know, using the expansion set so you can get six people because I think watching them all negotiate would be fabulous

again, what is this? like, what? I need a bridge like, so what am I going to do? like, what the hell am I supposed to do here? I'm alone, I don't have a father to give me a bridge. Like, I got to earn my bridge. What the hell? Why are we on this island in the first place?

Like, what's going on? What's the matter? Why can't we be like the rest of the country? Like, why are we settling in Catan? Like, who needs to be settled? Like, I don't want to live here. It's like mountains. I don't want to live in mountains.

I want to live by the ocean. This is like crazy. Like, I've got sheep. Great, I've got sheep. Like, what am I supposed to do with sheep? I'm supposed to trade you sheep? Like, I don't want that. I'm not supposed to trade you sheep.

I don't know what you can do with the sheep. I agree with Bethany, okay? okay like why would we settle here there's no stores here there's like an indian casino a mile away why don't we go there okay whoa this is crazy why is there no air conditioning on the island of katan okay it's boiling hot i'm gonna call someone get an air conditioner installed here in my house. Bunko! Shannon just screaming bunko. David, David, why are you trading wheat? You've never liked wheat before, David. David, David, David.

David, why is your little man always on the edges by the beaches? Why, David? Why are you always hanging out at the ports, David? David, there is a robber in the middle of the brick field. David, David? Why are you always hanging out at the ports, David? David, there is a robber in the middle of the brick field. David? David. Uh, honey, bricks don't grow in fields. David, you're not the one to tell me that.

David! David's game piece just left me for a stone person. Here lies Shannon Bedore, killed by David's longest road. Own it, baby! Oh yeah, Rinna. Who wants a stone, baby? I own a lot of them, baby! You totally manipulated me into buying that stone.

I hear that David is faking his rock dealership. Hey, baby, I've got the largest army and I own it, baby! I'm a hustler. You want to buy some stone? You wanna buy some wool? You wanna buy some sticks? You don't own that, okay? Alright, you know what? Enough with the stone already

I don't need stone, okay? I don't want stone, I don't need it Enough, literally, I'm bleeding here I'm bleeding all over my port My 3-1 port is 3-1 blood to water Literally, I can't It's too much for me, literally, my walls are up Honestly, just put me in a city, trade water okay i literally i can't like it's like too much for me like literally my walls are honestly like just put me in a city trade me two for one i can't i'll trade you your entire stock of wood for like a lot of blood because i'm literally bleeding all over this game board literally i have 10 cards and the robber just struck i have to like literally

turn into sex them i can't like literally i'm gonna just like kill me now like i can't oh all right what else is in that bag oh my goodness katie says hi gents katie king here i like how she's reporting from the field kitty king here long time listener first time mailbagger with the rio olympics right around the corner i have two questions first if bravo stars would create their own events what would they be example speed talking without making a point bethany for the gold ramona and charade tied for silver magali muttering to herself my god she got the bruns magali is magali i can't help but hate myself for imagining some kind of bastardized rhythmic

gymnastics with mj competing for olympic sliders and with ribbons possibly dressed in ribbons because we all know her wardrobe consists of clothes made out of leotard material second who would leave rio with both the zika virus an international love child and an std jacks would have already been banned from participating because he's patient zero for all olympic stds since the 84 games katie that was an excellent question really good examples i think the only person that would ever win the Olympic Games in Rio would be Sonia because she's used to walls leaking and toilets breaking. She's living without air conditioning. That Olympic village is in trouble. People are like, we're not staying here.

You fucking crazy. We got rabies just coming in the front door. Sonia's like, I'm not afraid of Zika. I mean, Zika and I had such great times on the Nigerian soccer team. He's a wonderful man. I've actually come up with a new product called Zika.

It's a fake beer. You know that Zima, right, Sonia? The truth is that the waterways that are massively polluted that people are supposed to swim in are nothing compared to Sonia's basement. Figuring out the shit in Sonia's basement finding figuring out the shit in sonia's basement there's an event i think western oil bottle like what the hell is that

that thing's like square and brown what is it like i've never seen anything like that i think yolanda could compete in uh most environmental distresses oh no the limes is getting inflamed by the Brazilian pollution and such. Most variations on Lyme disease. I have the Lyme, the chronic Lyme, the brain Lyme, the neurological, the elbow Lyme. I got the elbow Lyme, the knee Lyme, Bella Lyme, other one Lyme.

I think Gina would get the gold medal in best Zika remover, because I walked right into Brazil and said, Zika, get out of my country right this second. Get out of these Olympics right this moment. And you know what happened? Zika left.

Zika left. Zika. Zika. Zika called me, come into my body for lunch. I said, listen here, Zika. You stupid, ignorant ass hair. I said, not today, Zeker. Get out of my country.

Gamble would win at hoverboard usage. I still will never forget that Snapchat of Gamble falling off a hoverboard. Oh, I'm a boy! Love you! of Campbell falling off a hoverboard. I feel like Petaflora would get a gold in best recreation of the girl from Ipanema

that no one wanted. I just imagine her with a caperina on Ipanema Beach singing the song, waddling along, and everyone just scattering away as quickly as possible. Favelas clear out. She's like, boys, here I come, here to do Ghost from Ipanema with my caparina.

Boys, boys, why is this favela so quiet? Look at all these guns left behind. Oh lord. Let's see. I think if Padaflor were to do something it would be most tears shed by someone who got dumped by their son that's true too luann could win a gold medal for outstanding ascendancy to uh tv commentator she just was like well i went to brazil to see the Olympics. And next thing I know, I had my own variety show in Rio.

I was talking about the opening of a Big Lots in a parking lot of the Rio Olympics hot dog stand. And then that's where I met the president of Afkunikuns. Like, what? Get back here. Who are you marrying now? The man ascendancy to any kind of title. Yeah. Last one, we'll do Daffy1227.

I'm in Cleveland, Ohio, ground zero for the RNC. I love the conversation about politics. That was from our bonus episode. Here is my question. If you could create a third political party, what would the name be and what would be four planks for your party's platform? Also on a different note, using Captain Lee's voice, fire Daniel and give him his ticket home.

Okay. All right, that is a different note. We can probably save the firing Daniel and the captain's voice for Thursday because I know I'm going to be doing that anyway. Yeah, that's true. Well, we already talked about Daniel being fired, didn't we? Listen here, kid.

You understand? Rules. What do you think of these ankles I got here? Not wearing socks. That's how to skirt the rules in style, kid. Huh? I just, you know, it's like, hey, Cap, just give me another chance. I just need to learn to grow.

Like, I made a mistake. I wore socks with my shoes. Just give me a chance to grow. I'll leave the socks in my room, I swear. Going to grow? I'll show you what's going to grow. Foot fungus on my toes because I'm not wearing socks. Cool, eh, bro?

Oh, Captain, I miss him. If I were to start a third political party um i think it would be the skinny girl party and the four planks would be what's the matter i'm gonna kill myself seriously kill me now and seriously what's the matter okay i would go against you with my fourth party called the cookie party. And our slogan would be, let's face it, okay? And then every time I gave a speech, I'd be like, let's face it, skinny girl, who cares? People just want a cookie, okay? Like all people are created equally hungry for cookies.

Okay. Let's face it. Okay. And then the skinny girl party is like, well, I was going to address the convention, but I don't know where my dresses went. I think the cookie party told them.

Let's face it. We're all demonizing each other, but at the end of the day, let's face it. The cookie monster wasn't even a real monster. Okay. Let's face it. The cookie monster wasn't even a real monster, okay? Let's face it. I would also be in support of the David party, where the first plank would be David.

The second plank would be David. And then there'd be 30 to 40 other negative planks that cycle through every day. Whenever his emails get hacked by Shannon, he'll just be like, sorry, dear. I didn't understand what I was doing. David, you understand how to use email? I really don't, dear. I could actually imagine Shannon addressing a convention and saying,

four years ago, I never thought I'd be here. But now we are stronger than we have ever been. Here lies Shambador, killed by the love of her husband at a convention. Here lies Shanna Devor... Bedore. Here lies Shanna Bedore, killed by a hill of sorries that David heaped upon her and hugs of love suffocated to death. Can I fix this country?

Yes. Do I want to? No Can I fix this country? Yes. Do I want to? No. Do I have to? Yes. No. My husband has had six to seven wet dreams recently. And we are going to use that to fix the drought in California.

David? David's wet dreams fixing the drought in California. Good Lord. There's not going to be a forest fire in Shannon B. Doris house. I can just imagine her in the debates. Listen here, miss 30 year old times three.

Hillary. You certainly have judge. Yeah, I don't have judge eyes. you have judgy eyes hillary hillary hillary i would love her fighting with hillary that would be amazing gold that would actually be pretty amazing oh thank you mailbags thank you mailbags those are really really fun questions really fun questions.

Oh, man. That's funny. You know what's even funnier, Ben? What? People are like, Ronnie, you are an amazing web designer. That is funny. That would be funny. You guys, I'm not a web designer, but I can create a fantastic looking website using Weebly.

Weebly. I just cannot believe how easy Weebly makes it. And all joking aside, literally, let's face it. Okay. Who? Weebly makes it easy. Who? Weebly.

Who? Weebly. Who? Weebly. Who? Weebly makes it easy. Who? Weebly. Who? Weebly. Who? Weebly. Who? Weebly. You! You! You! Weebly. I wanted my website to look like Mrs. Roper. You know, it's funny.

You know, Weebly was created for people like Ronnie with the courage to start their own business and dress like Mrs. Roper and the dream to be their own boss. Also, like Mr. Roper. Again, you guys do not need to be a web designer or Mr. Roper to know how to code or create a beautiful website, blog, or online store. Sweet! Even Chrissy could do it, okay? We were all we were all we were

all very impressed i mean and you know janet she's not impressed with anything with the wide variety of professionally designed mobile friendly themes to choose from unfortunately there is yet to be a regal beagle theme but we're gonna work on it my God, Larry, you guys. Just like if you were making a Larry site, you would simply drag and drop hot chicks into a Regal Beagle to quickly build and publish your site. Too easy. Too, too easy. And you can truly customize, update, and change your site

anytime you want, Mr. Farley, on any device. Stanley! Join over the 30 million people who are already dreaming big with weebly get started today for free at weebly.com slash watch that's w-e-e-b-l-y.com slash watch weebly.com slash what david david david you know David. David. David. You know, we told Shannon Medore about the Weebly offer, and she got really, really flustered. That guy is, no, this husband is, no, they're doing horrible to me. David, could you stop yelling at a woman so you could yell at a man for yelling at a woman? David. You guys need to understand what battles you're in over there on this show.

O-M-G. So, I mean, Orange County, we have to start with Orange County because it was so amazing. And the funny thing is the first 20 minutes were pretty boring. But then it was like it was on. Well, thankfully, they warned us that it was going to get good because they started that New Jersey thing

where they're like, four minutes after Teresa was released from jail in Orange County. We see drunken Kelly and Shannon screaming at each other. You are the lowest of the low. Yeah. Lowest of low. And she's like, no wonder why you cheated on your wife.

And then Shannon's like, are you fucking kidding me? Weren't you cheating on your husband? I'll never forget the story. It was you. It was you. It was you. Who? You.

You. You. You. Thirsty beer. Anybody have a you-hoo? I haven't had one of those in years. You know what my favorite animal is? You. A sheep.

A you. People have already turned this off. It's like right at the beginning. Sorry, it's going to be insufferable because that's not going to ever leave my brain, ever. Exactly. I think Shannon was basically a huge fan of classic concentration because any time they needed to do a...

What do you call those puzzles with images and letters? Any time they had to do a, what do you call those puzzles with images and letters? Any time they had to use a U, they would just show a picture of a U. Of the animal. It's like, oh, U. No, I got it. I solved it. I solved the rhombus. Trump U.

Who? 48 hours previously or whatever. 48 hours early. I write my notes so stupid. Why would I write 48 hours later? It's like an Eddie Murphy sequel. I know. 48 hours earlier. So Shannon and her happy family

shopping in a party city to get their costumes for the disco party. David, we are the king and queen of costume castle, David. David. I wore some Marsha Brady dresses in my day, and who was hotter than Marsha Brady? It's like football in the face.

David, David, why are you throwing that USC football in my face? David, am I dating myself now? Yes. Yes. Yes. Do I wish that David would date himself instead of other people from the beach? Yes. Yes. Yes. Do I wish that David would date himself instead of other people from the beach? Yes. Yes.

Did I hire a housekeeper named Alice? Yes. Alice could solve every real housewife whatsoever. Yeah, she really would have. Alice, she just died recently, right? Like a year or two ago? Don't say that.

Not on the same day that Miss Cleo died. No kidding. Why are you trying to bring me down, man? I know, sorry. I think Alice could be played in any Real Housewives by Gina, basically. They kind of had that same... That same kind of smirk, like... Well, it's funny because Alice did release a fragrance that has a hint of drag queen in it.

Just like Gina. No, I meant Gina Keough. Oh, I was so confused. The kids are going nuts again. Marcia got hit in the face with a football. Guess I'll make some cookies. You know, you got to look out for the footballs. It's not their fault. Their kids are going to throw the footballs., you gotta look out for the footballs. You know, it's not their fault.

Kids are gonna throw the footballs. You gotta look out for the footballs, hon. I thought you were talking about Gina from Melbourne, and I was so confused. I was like, okay, but I'll go with it. No, Gina could not. You deserve that football in your face, you dumb whore. It's what you get for looking at me like that, you

bitch. So, back in the costume store, Shannon's like, can I try the pharaoh wig? Which is very important for the unraveling of this plot. Yes, because Shannon was going to go for a pharaoh look initially. Well, that was the pharaoh wig that she bought. I know. We will be discussing the attempt at a pher look, what it wound up looking like, how she received her first notes, and then how she learned to embrace it.

But in the meantime, though, Shannon's trying to give an education on the 70s. Did you know that in the 70s, there were things called streakers? Shannon, there are still streakers. Yes. Now they're just people on a website called Megan's List or Megan's Law or something. Same thing. Speaking of lewd activities. So the little girls have recently started taking puberty classes.

And Stella, one of the daughters, one of the twins, just says to David in the middle of Costume Castle, goes, Dad, did you ever get wet dreams? You mean while I'm awake, dear? Just had one. Can somebody get me a paper towel? Oh, David, she's a feral wig. Jesus. Are you referring about dreams about the beach where I can see that woman I used to talk to?

David, David, you're giving me negative thoughts. Not in Costume Castle. Wet dreams come from a man when he hasn't cleaned his pipes in a long time and suddenly the water builds up and decides to clean itself. David! David now has 40 to 30

wet dreams a day. The only time to empty a well, girls, is to let the bucket penetrate it. David! Girls, I wish I could say I had wet dreams, but I stopped dreaming a long time ago. You mean dreams where I'm drowning? Here, yes. Having one right now. She's like, here, David, try on this wig.

This is terrible. Is it Mr. Furley? It was like a Mr. Brady wig, almost. It was a man perm. Yes, but it's funny that they end up talking about the ropers, because with that hair, it's not that Don Knotts had that hair, but you realize with different hair how much like Mr. Furley David really looks.

Well, that, yeah, he looks like Mr. Furley. That hair was actually Mrs. Roper hair, actually. And Mr., I mean, Stanley Roper, he got out scot-free. He was, oh yeah, he didn't get into this mess. Yeah, he was just always tired. He just wanted back to his lazy boy.

But David, the look on David's face finally makes sense if you realize that he's just Don tired he just wanted back to his lazy boy but david the look on david's face finally makes sense if you realize that he's just don knots it's like whenever don knots would hear them talking like hey are you gonna have three of those oh yes i love threesomes talking about like how many eggs they're gonna make and then he would think they're gonna have a real threesome and he'd go when i was kid. His eyes would like bug open and kind of cross. David. When I was a kid, I missed all the subtext in Three's Company. I thought it was just people living in an apartment in Santa Monica.

I did not know there was a whole gay thing that was going on there. I didn't know there was like all this sexual innuendo. I thought it was just three goofy people and a goofy, goofy people downstairs. Well, thank God they brought in Mrsrs roper eventually to clear that one out no i think it was the other way around i think the ropers were there first because what happened was that the ropers were offered a spinoff and so they they were like okay we'll do the spinoff and then the spinoff didn't happen and then they weren't allowed to come back on the show and they brought in mr furley instead and it was like this stanley roper was furious at them because they basically fired them you know so is that the truth i'm

pretty sure it was don knots first uh as someone who saw the e2 hollywood story and the made for tv movie about behind the scenes on three's company look i just googled something you said oh look at the tables turning. The other fact chicken now. You like how I turned losing a point into winning one? Look, now I'm googling you. You're still right. What'd they say? They all platonically lived together in a Santa Monica, California apartment building

owned by Stanley Roper and Helen Roper. Following Summer's departure, Jenny Lee Harrison joined the cast as Cindy Snow, who was soon replaced by Priscilla Barnes as Terry Alden. After Norman fell and Audra, who cares, left the series, Don Knotts joined the cast. Yeah, because they didn't just leave the series. They were tricked out of the series. Oh, no, those poor Ropers.

Let me tell you something. Go into the archives and someone go find that movie that was made. It was some Lifetime movie about what really happened on Three's Company. And then also watch the Ichihara story because it is great. The Three's Company has a sordid, sordid past. They really do. And Janet still has crazy bulging coke eyes and she is still furious at Chrissy. Furious with her.

Mm-hmm, yeah. And remember there was that season where basically Chrissy wouldn't shoot with anyone so they would have her call in. She'd have scenes where she'd go, Hi! And that was it. Yeah.

They basically were the predecessors of the Real Housewives, let's be honest. Hmm. Streakers? Streakers? It would be the first,wives, let's be honest. Streakers? Streakers? I love streamers. Streakers? John Knotts' face.

David? So, speaking about goofballs, Tamra, while shopping for the 70s party also, she's at this crazy boutique called Swirl, which is like Orange County. Tamra, when they showed, you know how they're like Tamra and they show her pivoting and her housewives shoot. She has pink eyes. I don't know if the lights are just shining back on her eyes too brightly, but she has satanic eyes. And I love the editors for they probably filtered that shit. Make the born again into Satan just do it yeah

so let's see she's there with she's shopping with Kelly and Kelly basically is saying how she doesn't like Shannon she thinks Shannon is negative and annoying and not very nice and of course Tamara is very careful to say yes I have had trouble with her batch,

but it was 100% my batch fault. Because I'm so hot, batch. I'm the hottest troublemaker that Jesus ever made, batch. I am what Jesus forgets, okay? Like, I'm the sin everybody wants to commit in the 70s, batch.

I'm like a key party all in one. So Kelly is trying to be nice in the 70s, batch. I'm like a key party all in one. So Kelly is trying to be nice about Shannon, but can't. She just hates her. And Shannon hates her too, which is amazing. But this is also a really good Housewives thing where they all talk

about where they were in the 70s and the younger people who Kelly's trying to be. She's like, I don't remember the 70s. I was born. I'm hot. Whatever. Yes, you do. And then Megan. When I think of the 70s, I think of Ashton Kutcher and the perfect

temperature for a good night for Jim not to be needing the air conditioner. Yeah. I think about how old Jim will be when we have our child finally. Yeah. Speaking of which, Megan goes to visit Heather, and Megan's got the cramps, because in case you didn't know, she's going through IVF. And Heather has to poke her with a needle.

She's like, I just can't poke myself today. So Heather pokes her with a needle. I'm like, do we have to watch this process every single episode? No one cares. It's been done before. In front of the chef? I mean, how tacky. Heather.

Oh, Jackie, done with that? Jackie is my chef. You know, I don't cook, but I love everything surrounding it. $9,000 pizza ovens. Gigantic crystal glass freezers. Looking at food. I mean, I don't like to eat it, but I like to look at it. Except onion rings.

Ew. Heather, what was Heather saying about being a good mom? I don't know. Well, basically, Megan and Heather are going to be going to Washington to talk about colon cancer. Great. I mean, it's obviously, that's what, by the way, that's what Miss Cleo died of. Colon cancer. Stop. I mean, it's obviously, that's what, by the way, that's what Ms. Cleo died of. Colon cancer.

Stop! I know, but I feel like Megan and Heather, I feel like colon cancer deserves better ambassadors. Either way. Not really. I mean, that is an ass disease. And Heather explains it. It's like cancer for your tissue. You know, it figures that Megan's going to go speak for an asshole convention.

That's true so then uh terry comes home surprisingly early and heather is immediately in bitch mode she's like mother's day really with all the kids there and megan and the chef mother's day really terry i just learned today and he's trying to get uh he's trying not to get bitchy, but he keeps getting bitchy. Yeah. I didn't plan it. Yeah, he goes, don't blame me. I didn't schedule it. And Heather just gives him this stare.

It's like Maleficent times 12. It was penetrating. God, those eyebrows are going to hit her wig soon. They're going really, really high. You know, for someone who complains about her husband being at work too much you sure show up there a lot stop going to work to bring your husband the lunch of your eye your eye surgery stop getting your eyes done heather her eyeballs are gonna dry out she's not gonna be able to blink oh that's okay she'll have like a room that's specifically built to maintain moisture.

So then we go over to Vicky where Brianna's back and the kids and Brianna goes into bed and baby Troy. Baby Troy was cute. He got into bed with Brianna and got under the covers, which was really cute. It's funny. Yeah. He tells Vicky, get me donut! And Rihanna says, is that how we say it? And he goes, please get me donut, mama dear.

What did he say, gamma dear? He said, like, grandma dear. Oh, gosh. And then he's like, I peed! Great. Yeah, I'm in for that one. So next, because, you know, they can't all be screaming the whole time. Now we get to see Kelly and her daughter getting their nails done and talking.

You know these people. It makes me crazy when they brag. Our kids in Orange County are so spoiled. What about that iPad and that iWatch I got you? What about that Suburban I bought you that's still waiting for you to turn 16? Stop complaining about your kids being spoiled when you're shoving money down their throats. Exactly.

And then on top of that, you're forcing this poor girl into tennis when she doesn't want to do tennis. She's getting bullied, and she's not getting a good education because she doesn't even know what the capital of Nebraska is. And then the poor girl girl all she wants is an is an ipad and you're not even give it to her so like i don't know maybe that's maybe i'm making

an argument the other way around and then kelly kelly says oh she's a better version of myself yeah she's got your goal face and she doesn't have a raging drinking problem yet so yeah i think a paper clip is a better version of kelly self kelly how is kelly my same age but she and she again it's not an old look she doesn't look old she just looks um right like a balloon injected yeah i feel like her face looks like a gingerbread man. That's what I've decided. Her face looks like a wall that you keep hanging pictures on wrong. So you keep putting that hole putty into. And then before you know it, it's lumpy. So you keep putting more and more onto it.

But then when you look at it from the side, the wall just has a big bump. And she's cute too, but she just had too many injections. Yeah. Well, there you go keep that kid away from the injections yeah keep keep her away meanwhile speaking of injections uh we now have a classic scene of jim and megan driving along and jim is bored and megan is prattling out about about the the ivf and babies and yada yada yada are you. I'm going to get my eggs out. Oh, Jim, I'm going to have a baby. Are you going to be here? No, I'm going to work.

Oh, Jim. Are you going to be here for my ultrasound, for my SH and my LH levels? And he's like, here's the cord for that little cassette thing that'll turn on the book on tape. Just please stop talking. Can you FaceTime me? He's like, it's okay. You don't have to send me another video of you stabbing yourself with a needle. It's really okay.

Jim! Just kidding. Just kidding. Yeah, I'd love it. I'd love to watch another FaceTime video of you stabbing yourself. I knew you'd love me. I'm like, he looked just as bored with this whole storyline as we do. As always, he's like, what did I do?

Did this guy not sign a prenup i'm so confused didn't she say they signed a prenup i'm so confused why he's still putting up with this because she's really obnoxious she keeps talking about how he doesn't want to talk about her baby he told you flat out he didn't want another baby you're making him do it and now you're expecting to have some emotional depth he never never has. Why do you expect someone to change? And also, when he wants to talk about somebody, he's like, you know, Bobby's in the H2 of the blob race. And she's like, ugh, who cares?

Why are we talking about that? Well, God forbid you talk about something other than your damn womb. Yeah, seriously. And by the way, their house that they're doing the renovations for is already on sale. Yeah, well, danger. She's going to get that money, get that alimony payment, and be the

hell out of there. This is like, she's basically trying to grow a part-time job in her stomach. I wanted to say, I put this in bold because it's too good to pass over. Kelly, I want my daughter to know that God comes before money.

LOL, we just saw you calling someone ugly and disgusting while you're wasted. And then she goes, well, no one's perfect. A good friend for Vicky. That's her opening line. Exactly. Well, now we are at the 70s party at last. And we know what we learned as people are starting to filter in is that David is still angry at Vicky. He is really, really pissed.

And also Shannon still really hates Kelly. Kelly Dodd, not my favorite. Yes. Well, I didn't want to let Kelly out because am I a good person? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, Kelly, I mean, once again, she goes in with the 90s reference. She's like, I'm going to get MC Hammered, which I think is the second time she's trotted that one out.

Oh, well, that's fine. Do you have anyone I can hoot her in the blowfish? I'm so sad. I'm so sad. I'm so sad. I'm glad we're going somewhere. Now I can be like a blues traveler. Oh, Vicky. She's like, oh, you know what?

Have you ever kissed someone on a blue bayou? Okay, Vicky. Ice ice, baby. Okay, that's done. Hey, I got something to tell you. I'm sort of like an informer Informer? Do you mean transformers?

No damn it These two aren't going to last Their references are way way too different They're both like drunk slut girl They're both like drunk girl slut references From high school they just were in high school at different times Yeah And Vicky's like Because they're like pre-gaming over at kelly's

house he's like oh i need to whoop it up so bad i'm really ready to whoop it up oh chamera and i don't know how to do tequila shots yeah right so they do a tequila shot and the husband goes she said what did you say everybody's coming oh it's like a tequila shot, and the husband goes, what did you say? Everybody's coming? Oh, it's like a party in my mouth. And the husband says, well, I won't say it. Oh, and everybody's coming? Classy. I know.

So then, oh, so now everyone's, like, showing up. And Shannon shows up in her costume. And I wrote down, this is before all the Mrs. Roper stuff came out, I wrote down that she looked like Penny Marshall dressed as a pirate. That's actually very good. She even has that weird kind of limp all of a sudden. I'm like, why are you limping because it's the 70s? Her and David look like they've just gone running for 20 miles.

They're like limping into the party's face. Look at this. It's the 70s. We've got lava lamps, disco lamps, lava balls, pet rocks. Later we're going to have jello shots. You know, play quarters. David never saw any, but

pre-David seeing somebody on the beach. Ah, the 70s. Do I love the 70s? No. Was I happier then? Yes. I enjoy parties that are from 30 to 40 negative years ago. Okay, so now we meet the two who have got to be new housewives. They have to be.

They're trying hard, yes. These are the friends of the year. But we just get to see Jackie. Spelled J-A-C-I. Yes, J-C. Stupid. J-C-C-I. Yes, J-C. Stupid. J-C, stupid, stupid. But we already know that she's a player because she's not the typical toast,

you know, like the dry piece of toast that they put a wig on and drag out. She's actually a very smoothed-down bowling ball that they've dragged out, which means she's polished enough to be on TV. And I couldn't wait to see her pull out the C word. You know what sure reminds me of if I may take that bowling analogy one step further I remember one time in high school going to the bowling alley

and there was a little, we were bowling and a ball came up through the machine it was this big maroon ball and it just had the name Ruth on it and we were just like endlessly entertained by the fact that a ball named Ruth showed up.

And that's what Jackie is like to me. Ruth the bowling ball. Well, girls, I was in a dark tunnel and then a big old Ruth was spit out at me. Dad, gross! Oh, you asked. So Jackie and Kelly know each other, it turns out and jackie's like oh my god i haven't seen you since uh that one time i mean you were the different man um you weren't with him you

weren't with him standing right with her husband yeah well while kelly's right with you know what's this mr clean and uh jackie so jack Jackie says this thing, which is really pretty. That's a very iffy thing to say to someone. Especially in a town where everybody's cheating on everybody. What happened to girl code? What happened to hoe code? There's no girl code in this zip code. I may not have girl code, but I don't have girl code.

Welcome to the show, Jackie. So Kelly is always so drunk. Like she really does have a problem. And she doesn't. She's not really sure. She just looks at this Jackie like, uh-huh. It was a frenemy moment. Yeah, she's not sure.

She's like, you had the Coke, right? But she couldn't quite remember. So meanwhile,ather comes roller skating in and she goes tonight i'm a roller skating porn star because i was totally about to maybe audition for that film if i got a chance which i didn't but reba thought i should have been called you know i should have been in that show she did call me uh whore on wheels so thank you reba i was gonna say heather is really redefining the notion of a bitch on wheels she was being

roller girl from that porn movie what's it called Boogie Nights Boogie Nights yeah a little bit like Heather another Heather Heather what's her face so there was actually a really big development here because Megan was like i think i'm going to sit down which really brought her arc to a new level you know she's bloated and she has to sit

down so i mean really compelling stuff from her really bring her a game you know my womb is expanding like my kitchen oh i'm gonna sit down with this glass of wine uh you know you're holding like a gigantic glass of pinot grigio right now yeah you're talking about getting your fertility treatments i know i was wondering i was like is that is that allowed are you supposed to be drinking pinot while while harvesting eggs i'm not pregnant yet jim you know by the way he doesn't even have any sperm it's all probably just something to keep his wife occupied. Here, I'll put some, like, creme anglaise into your vagina. Creme anglaise.

He's like, ah, put some old tuna salad into an old trash can and put it in a freezer. Have fun with that. Yeah, he went to a prop house and got, like, a fake sperm holder. And she's like, oh, a fake sperm holder. And she's like, oh, my God, the insemination's really going to happen. Why does our backseat smell like a deli? Have we heard this book on tape yet? Jim!

Are you inserting tartar sauce into me? No, that's just the way my semen smells. Okay. You little fish stink. So Shannon is passing out jello shots and patting herself on the back for inviting Vicky, even though you know it's going to be a total clusterfuck. And then Shannon's like, you know Jackie? Well, yeah, I know Jackie.

I invited her. And then Kelly says, yeah, we met already. Oh, no, we already talked about this i'm so sorry that's fast forward fast forward through the notes so then um so then they open up the disco room so it's like here we go it's a disco room and heather is like i love this room and which meant basically like terry we're adding another room onto the mansion disco room disco room terry for boom falls on her butt yeah you pushed me and then they show it and he didn't really push her i think he was i don't know maybe that's how terry pushes her it was kind of a bop yeah it was it was either way it was very gratifying it really was there is no even with the videotape there's no jury in the world who would convict you're lucky it wasn't into that like 10 foot tall oven that you bought

or 10 foot wide pizza yeah yeah so um kelly is now um talking with david kelly has been by the way drinking this entire time and she looks at david's whole 70s outfit and she goes you look like a pedophile oh god i mean it's true but it's just not something that you say to the host of the party or really to anyone especially anyone who has kids she was so drunk she's like you look like a pedophile and santa goes what okay she starts getting vocally pissed she goes ha ha you're funny flipping hilarious not i mean these people just love a good 90s reference they love a good mixed uh reference yeah it's the 70s party now is it the 60s it's the 60s not yeah david looks like a pedophile, not.

And squeeze me. So she knows she's kind of in trouble for saying that. So she goes, well, Eddie's wearing a wig, too, and he looks like cotton candy. Good save. Yeah. Yeah. No, this is going in the wrong direction. Did she not learn anything

About Carol and Luanne? You just can't call people pedophiles No kidding, they hate that Especially when they fuck younger people It's very, very offensive Especially when you're having lots of wet dreams Oh, sorry Let go again

Dad, David Dreams can come true. You know you gotta have them. We also had a moment with Tamara and Megan sitting together where Megan's like, You forgave her? You forgave Vicky? I don't care. I hate her.

I can't trust her. Blah, blah, blah. And Tamara, this is when you start seeing Tamara turning. And she says, When does forgiving someone make you the bad person, batch? It's like, oh, here goes Tamra. She's already starting to sow those seeds. And it already makes sense why she's taking so long. Because she's not drinking.

Duh. Yeah. Tamra, the queen of the pivot. She knows every season. She knows exactly who to turn on. It's her superpower yeah it really is she's like back with vicky people are feeling sorry for her batch yeah sorry about your icicle baby batch yeah so um so meanwhile in this other random little room uh shannon is

sitting um sitting with tamra and jackie and this woman n Nina, who we'll get to in a moment. And Jackie starts gossiping about Kelly's past, right? Yes, as if Shannon didn't already know all this. Yeah, Shannon's like, oh, this is very surprising. I had no idea that you knew Kelly. When I looked on your Facebook and saw that we had mutual friends, I didn't look at all, Miss 30-year-old. I had no idea. I'm not on Facebook all day at all, David.

David, get over here. I love Shannon's Facebook videos. Yeah. Big mistake, David. Big fuck up. Big. So, Jackie, yes, is trying to have her moment. And how does this get messed up?

Vicky's just looking for her purse, right? Kelly and Vicky walk into this little room looking for a purse. And then, because at this point, Jackie is telling a story about how Kelly was boinking some dude at like the Poconos wherever they ran into each other and they're like

did you hear it? Did you hear it? I don't know and then they're like we were just looking for a purse you guys seen a purse? And then this Nina

who at first I thought was Russian but then I started to think she was Brazilian because she started to sound more like Adriana from Miami she's like oh yeah you find your purse in the back go fuck yourself it's like whoa go find it to the back no no we're just looking for a purse oh well what does it look

like who cares what it looks like i said we're looking for a purse okay dronko nina is a bitch but when you're looking for something and someone says, what does it look like? Yeah. That's kind of a normal question. But Nina was hostile from being. Nina's like, go fuck yourself, you stupid purse losing bitches. Yes. And then she just started cursing them out and like pretending she was talking on her cell phone.

Yeah. And then she's like, and then Jackie is like, Jackie, Jackie's like, this isn't going like I thought. And so Tamara's like, like you thought, batch? What's that supposed to mean, batch? Which was also pretty hilarious. You mean you planned this batch? And then Shannon's like, well, yes, you know, Jackie does say what's on her mind, and so does Nina,

but I don't blame Nina for that. Yeah, she's like, yeah, she's like, you just can't cross Nina. I'm like, cross Nina? All they did was ask for the purse. That's not crossing Nina. And meanwhile, Nina's like, you so ghetto, little fucking cunt bitch. Jesus, woman. No kidding, and Shannon would be the first one.

I can't believe a woman is talking like that in front of me, David. And then all of a sudden she's fine with it. Well, you know, that's just how people talk when people ask if they've seen their purse. So you're going to blame Nina? So then Vicky and Kelly go to find the purse because they have been told where the purse is. And when they go to get the purse, Shannon's like, oh, yeah, Nina put it over here. I didn't realize and then they show a flashback of nina being moving the person like i hate touching other people's purses i'm

like what does this have to do with anything like why are we seeing like a forensic display of what happened to the purse because nina came in purposely starting shit and took that big purse and put it on the ground and then went over there when they said where's the purse she's like oh go find it to the back yeah what does purse look like so i think they already knew yeah this nina had done that and they're just editing it to make it look crazy because they came over to yell at nina that's why she's like oh you stupid bitch well because tamra of course tamra's like wait a second batch there's a party and I haven't meddled yet, batch. So she gets up, she walks away and she goes over

to Vicky and Kelly and is like, those girls are like talking about you. Like, what's up with that? I can't believe they're talking about you, which is a classic

Tamara move. Yes. You guys, I was just sitting there, batch. And I mean, look at that thought over there.

I'm not having any negative thoughts. I actually meant that negative, that bitch over there,'m not having any negative thoughts i actually meant that negative that bitch over there stupid batch what t-bat no um so then kelly is like oh well fine so kelly and vicky march right back and kelly i mean this is the height of maturity she's like so tamra says you're talking about me and shannon's like, oh, well, fine. So Kelly and Vicky march right back. And Kelly, I mean, this is the height of maturity. She's like, so Tamara says you're talking about me. And Shannon's like, Shannon just has this look like, who's this?

Who's this? I loved Vicky marching her over there, holding hands like, Tamara, you're supposed to be standing up for your friends. Come on, Kelly. Knowing that she's wasted and about to just become the biggest villain, you know, or make Shannon into the biggest villain. She's like, look, this is one time we're not talking about cancer. Even though David was still trying. So she marks her over

and then it becomes this screaming match that made no sense. Yeah, Kelly's like, Jack, you're just like every average Newport Beach chick. And Shannon's like, well, I don't think that's very kind. But also, like, Kelly has this weird bone to pick about like oh the typical Newport Beach chicks I'm like do you see what you are you're plastic surgeried you live with a rich guy on the water you're tacky as shit

you are Newport Beach yes and then Jackie kind of I think it's offended her eyes don't move very much yeah then Kelly goes no no no I didn't mean disrespect yeah and so then jackie goes listen i can tell you what the problem is and why i dissed you she's like yeah well you poor beach boobs shannon goes can you let her say what her problem is and why she dissed you? I would like to know why she dissed you. Yeah, I really have some diss stuff to talk about you. And Kelly, okay, Mrs. Roper. And Tamara goes, Mrs. Roper? Like,

what's wrong with Mrs. Roper, batch? Is that supposed to be, like, a bad thing? Like, Mrs. Roper was hot, batch. And Shannon is, that's, like, the thing that infuriates Shannon. Like, calling her Mrs. Roper is, that is the dis amongst disses. She's like, she's like, you know what? Bye.

Bye. Leave my party. I would like you to leave my party, Kelly. Yeah. Are you hammered? Oh, are you hammered again, Kelly? Have another drink. Have another drink.

And then I love how then Michael, like, so at this point, Kelly's husband, Michael, who is the biggest douchebag, he is in there and he's giving this like, this like ridiculous look, this incredulous look that's supposed to be mocking. And he's like, this is 70s. This is 70. He keeps looking at pointing at Shannon's outfit like this is 70s. This is 70s. Like, good one, bro. You're really you're really getting her. Good diss, bro.

No kidding. He looks like the guy from that ice, like one of the guys from that ice skating movie. Yeah. Ben, what's his face in Will Ferrell? Was it Will Ferrell? Oh, no, it was Napoleon Dynamite. Yeah, Blades of Glory.

Yeah, Blades of Glory. Oh, yeah, Ben Stiller was in it, yeah. And then Shannon trying to make herself feel better in her diary room session. Mrs. Roper. Well. Mrs. Roper? Well, Mrs. Roper was the landlord on Three's Company, which was a very popular show. Was it popular? Yes.

Did I have good ratings? Yes. Do I consider it a diss? No. Don't diss me, young lady. So Kelly is completely incoherent at this point but from what i'm getting she's yelling because shannon obviously set her up uh because she knew these women and no these women knew that she was going to be on the show and told her all this shit so she

purposely brought them to go again which of course she did i mean they had to sign papers and go through casting so of course she did and i mean sh, Shannon is now, I mean, she is really, she's losing her mind. And she turns, because I think Heather pops in at this point. And Shannon's like, Heather, he tells me my outfit is in 70s and is patting me down. Do you think that's respectful? Do you think that's respectful? Heather's like, well, are they going away for Mother's Day? Because that's like the ultimate.

Were you pushed over? Were you knocked over by your husband who's living for Mother's Day? Because that's like the ultimate. Were you pushed over? Were you knocked over by your husband who's leaving on Mother's Day? Because that's the most disrespectful thing. That's the biggest diss. Does your husband say yes to everybody but you and your children who are probably going to drive soon? So then, so now Vicky opens up her big mouth. Because elsewhere, Vicky was smart enough to walk away from this, this shouting match. But she's standing. She walked Kelly up and then kind of backed away yes but she's standing right next to david and she's like oh well you know shannon's at her glory right now and david just turns her

and goes fuck you you shut your mouth you lied about cancer dear you need to shut the fuck up dear shut your fucking dear mouth dear so now So now Vicky and David start to fight. And Shannon, in the middle of their fighting, Shannon is so wound up, she is like out of breath, and she comes storming across the disco room. She's like, David? David?

David? I mean, it was like, it actually was like Sally Field in Soap Dish. David? David? On the machine, bro. It's on the machine. Michael and Kelly are calling me dumb. Michael and Kelly are calling me dumb! Michael and Kelly

are calling me dumb! David, do you understand this guy? This husband! There's someone's husband who's yelling at a woman! He's like,

fuck you, Vicky. I hope you die, you dumb bitch. Cancer lies. Fuck you, Vicky. Fuck off. He's like, David!

And at this point, Shannon is so riled up she cannot speak coherently which is why we hear this glorious soundbite okay david you understand that people because those people are that bias that no this husband is no they're doing horrible to me Lava lamp. Pet rocks. Disco balls. Pet rocks.

David. Dr. Moon. Dr. Moon. Lemons. Dasher pups. Sugar. I feel something in my butt. I feel something in my butt.

Is it there? Is it there? Is it? Lava lamp. Lava lamp. I have a pet rock in my butt, David. Lava lamp. Chandelier.

Eh. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Head explodes. So Vicky, which I think Vicky is in the right here because Vicky for once is not so wasted. She's making an ass or screaming.

And she just says, you know what, David, shame on you. And I thought, wow, this is Vicky being big. She's just going to say, you don't talk to women like that. And she goes, you're filthy and disgusting. You're the cheater. Yeah. You're a che you're filthy and disgusting. You're the cheater. Yeah, you're a cheater and a bad guy. You're the lowest of the low. I was like, whoa, all right. And, you know, he can never come back from that, by the way.

Every time they call him a cheater, he just has to be like, yes, dear. Yes, dear, I suppose I am. That's right. Even though the rumors were that she cheated on Don and Brooks was cheating on, I mean, who cares? I guess it's, you know, the guy's worse. Well, she admitted she cheated on Don and Brooks was cheating on, I mean, who cares? I guess it's, well, she admitted, she admitted she cheated on Don.

You're the cheater. You're a bad guy. And then Kelly's like, yeah, no wonder you cheat. No wonder you're white. No wonder you got cheated on by your husband. No wonder why you cheated on your wife.

Was it? She goes, cause they're leaving. She's like, no wonder, no wonder why you cheated on your wife. And she's such, it's, it cheated on your wife. She's such trash. It's hilarious.

And I wrote down, I was like, I don't know if I hate her or love her. Because it's like, she is so trashy. And yet, it's kind of like, I mean, Shannon was trying to set her up. So at the same time. Yeah, Shannon knows how to play a little bit better. Kelly just needs to not be that sloppy when she's on camera. She is sloppy. She seems fine when she's not sloppy.

Yeah, but she's sloppy. She's a sloppy mess. Yeah, she's a terrible drunk. And Shannon already learned that lesson when they were trying to gaslight her at that boring girl's house. Remember? Yeah. So Shannon's learned to stay, you know, to not get that loopy. But good lord, this girl's just shit-faced.

And Shannon's like, how dare you? You're the cheater. You are the cheater. And she's like, who'd I cheat with? I'll never forget the story. I'll remember it like yesterday. I like how she says it as if she was, like, about to launch into story time. Like, everyone sit around, children.

Ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Yeah. about to launch into story time like everyone sit around children yeah seriously it was the clip show moment and then it became this thing like you're the cheater it was you who it was you who it was you who you who you who you who i mean over and over and then it became and then it like changed into this really really stupid thing where shan's like you know what have another cocktail have another cocktail and kelly's like as a matter of fact i will i will have another cocktail as if she's like accomplishing anything by declaring this like i am gonna have a cocktail and i think kelly forgets that she's not still yelling at jackie because she's like you look like every other woman in town you're ugly yeah she's like yelling at a fern and another thing you stand there all quiet and skinny and

blowing the breeze who do you think you are jackie kelly it's actually a fern mrs roper and shannon goes huh i wanted to look like mrs roper yeah all of a sudden she wanted to oh no no no and tamra's like i'm at a loss for words batch yeah of course yeah you're the one who instigated this entire situation as usual and then the husband the gay husband uh blades of glory is like he's laughing he's smiling while his wife is just drunkenly calling people names and screaming and stuff and he's like come on babe we won this one yeah no imagine that marriage good lord go throw yourself down some stairs so um then the best is they get in the car and vicky this is where i was definitely like like oh like this this actually pushed me more towards the side that vicky was in on the cancer

scam because vicky's like oh god brooks put me in this goddamn situation i'm calling him right now and she has this whole phone call where she's like brooks i'm really mad because now all these people like you got to call david and tell him i did not have it i was like it was so oddly for show for the cameras that i was like yeah vicky knew about the cancer of course that this is what got you in on it oh my god this is what this is what changed me because it was such a strange moment to have right i believed you i loved you and nine months later, we're still, well, you know, I'm still getting yelled at about it. You need to call David.

Call me back. She literally says, okay, call me back. Bye. Love you, Brooks. Love you, call me. So post-fight, Shannon. I was shaking. Shaking. Shaking. Shaking. Was I shaking? Yeah. Was I still? No. I'm shaking, shaking, shaking, shaking. Was I shaking?

Yeah. Was I still? No. I'm shaking 30 to 40 times a second. David. David. Okay, David, you understand that people, because those people are, that guy is, no, this husband is, no, they're being horrible to me. So Tamara, because she's like super positive and Christian now, she's like, let's live in this crew up, batch.

So they get their streaker outfits on, which are basically just leotards. One of them has a big penis sewn onto it, which why is it every season of this has a dildo of some kind? I just don't know. I just don't know. And then Tamara's like, oh, my God, my nipples fell off. This isn't supposed to be a belly button outfit. Put my nipples back on. Batch.

Batch. And then they go out and hump people. And Heather's like, I thought we had reached the lowest of the low. But then strippers, but then streakers came out on Mother's Day. Who does that? Batch. Yeah, very, very funny. Let me look on Twitter to see where our little poll is,

where people are leaning on our poll. I'm going to bring it up right now and see. All right, let's see. The results so far with 213 votes and 19 hours left to vote. Shannon Bedore, who whose side are you on? Shannon Bedore slash Roper is at 61%. Kelly Dodd at 31%. Jackie, 1%. And Nina with 7%.

I think they're all terrible human beings in this episode and they're all wrong. But I'm on Nina's side because that shit's hilarious. Go look in the back you stupid bitch slut or stupid i'm on my phone right now no you're not yeah who are you texting she's like i text candy crush academy is a new scripted podcast that follows ava richards played by hbo's industries my holla herald a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break

in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost?

Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History?

Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August, 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more.

She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. I don't even have an app open and I'm swiping right, swipe right, swipe.

Wait, is that left? Which is to the left, right? Swipe left, swipe left, swipe left to you, you stupid slag. Go to the back. Jamie on Twitter, who is at only smoker left, she says, I couldn't vote for Troy's donut? Yeah, I'm totally

on the side of that donut. Gamma dia! Please,ma Dia! So that brings us to the end of Real Housewives of the O.C. Oh my goodness. Such an entertaining episode.

Great times. Great times by O.L. Do you want to go to Shaza Sunset? Like a little Shaza Sunset palette cleanser before New Jersey? Sure. Sure. So,

let's see. I guess we'll go through the characters as usual. Ja. Let's do it. I've got my notes open. Let's see. Let's start with Asa. Because Asa is still doing her stupid freshman year high school art project with her point-and-shoot camera. A relationship book where she keeps taking pictures of single people.

Yeah. She takes Mike to do... She takes him out to... It's like the curb. Yeah. Literally a curb or something. Literally in the dirt. And she's like, this is what I do.

I specialize in transformation and change, homie. Babe. Babe. And Mike, I don't know how many times I have to apologize. I've done everything I can to be the best husband, better than I was yesterday. You had like five vaginas on you yesterday, Mike. Yeah, exactly. He's like, yeah, no, I had to cheat just so i could appreciate jessica more so i was really doing it

for our marriage you know you don't appreciate rules until you break them so i love your rules i love rules now so she's telling he's he's saying i can't be romantic you know i just don't feel romantic like everyone else is in a couple and here I am with my dog. It's like, well, there you are in a picture with another bitch. No one's surprised. And then Asa's advice, just think about yourself, babe. And suddenly he can do it. It's like, okay, I got a boner.

Let's do this. That's what got him into this mess. Good point. Yeah, stupid Mike, stupid Asa. MJ, that's where it's at today yeah mj well wait there's just one small resin by the way resin adam are not married yet and um no big surprise that the surprise wedding wasn't actually a wedding and that they so they have to get their license they have like a little tiny ceremony in their Chevron living room. And everyone's so surprised.

Now we can do this again. Do you have anything? He's either ripping someone apart or just pretending to get married a billion times to be on camera. And then this time Adam still doesn't get to invite his parents. He does get to say something. He's like, Reza, my love for you is like the circle of this used dead person ring that you bought for me on sale in Palm Springs. Yeah. And Reza's sweet.

Well, all I wanted at my wedding was Asa and MJ there in the first place. So now I got it. You know, thanks, Obama. Yeah. Yeah, I loved how they were all excited. They're like, you know, we're so happy that Adam gets to have his voice after all. And Adam's like, dear Reza, I love you like this ring. That's it.

He's like, oh, okay. That was what that big fight was about. That was Adam's voice. My love for you is cheap and has holes all over it. One tiny happy hole. Oh, poor Adam. I vow to whatever he says. Okay, we're done.

We're married. So anyway, as you were saying before, it is all about MJ this episode. MJ starts with, I'm going through a renewal party, which someone put on our Facebook during the show thread of this. Ramona has already renewed, renewals,

renewedly renewed, okay? She's already stolen her own storyline 10 times. She can't just come out with renewed. Yeah, and I don't understand MJ's journey. Like, what happened? What was her epiphany? What is she renewing herself to? She just sort of decided, I'm going to renew myself.

But there was no, like, lead up to it. There was no, like, is it like Tommy? I is it like tommy i don't i don't get it her journey has been going through racks of clothes that's all she's done this entire season is gone through like the plus-sized fredericks of hollywood yeah and like thrown tit slings on the ground like hideous hideous someone also put how did her tit stay up which is a very good question well i don't understand that when she had this garage sale or yard sale and she brings all her clothes up to the valley and there are all these skinny-ass 21-year-olds

looking through MJ's jumpsuits. I don't understand how one fits on the other. They're like, this is an REI, right? Yeah. Why do these tents all have holes? She's like, wow, look at this sale in Ikea bags.

I've never seen Ikea bags. I've never seen so many tents made out of bathing suit material. We've got to get to the Moomoo sale before Kyle Richards. MJ saying, every outfit describes my feelings at the time. So you were basically just corny and full the entire time you shopped. Come on, MJ. Yeah. So all these skinny girls shopping for dresses.

And then Shervin is taking Mike to get a ring because cheap. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Sorry. I assumed it was Mike if it was going to be fake romance yeah but he's taking Tommy to get a ring because

Tommy's like it's gonna wear a wedding dress and have some flowers that's it the cheapest wedding I ever had if I can't have a ring with the Mets label on it I want to get a wedding ring for Ben Jay instead that took a toll on me. I do present this beer coos.

MJ. Hey, MJ. I didn't get you a ring. Instead, I got you a Mr. Met bobblehead. No, that turned into my JD impersonation. I'm sorry. Her ring is like a Florida Alligators coos. Is that a team in Florida? I assume there's

some team called the Alligators. Just the Gators. So then later, MJ and Vida go to Cake Mix, which I believe is a store on Melrose that exists solely to have Bravo film in it. I don't know anyone who's ever been to Cake Mix and I only see it when Bravo goes in there.

Mom, thanks for coming with me um are you gonna come to my renewal party no renew you have renewed have you changed i see no change do you listen to your mother no you know listen to your mommy no i will not be proud of you why i'd be proud of you i'm far far away from proud when you are perfect not far away from perfect i will be brave yeah vita literally tells mj that she's not proud of her and that she never will be yeah and then mj then they're like making their own little cakes and mj like mj is putting these little like pink straps on the top of her chocolate cake and and vita is like no that looks ugly why you do this to your cake meanwhile vita's cake looks like someone

shat on it like a seagull did and she's like no it's like a spider a spider walking over cake i'm like shut up vita you destroy your cake like your life tommy is like ugly cake too many straps on face meanwhile i mean vita is like a crazy bitch i mean the way i mean she just what she does is she feeds her daughter. She gets her daughter nice and fat. So it's harder for her to find a mate in Los Angeles. And then makes, then like belittles her daughter for not finding a guy. And for being fat.

And for finding someone like Tommy, ultimately. Yeah. But yeah, MJ, you know, her whole renewal thing is basically not letting her mom boss her around. She's like, my renewal is not letting Vita destroy my life anymore and hurt my feelings. Well, you're kind of making some big decisions just to piss off your mom. I mean, that's kind of a teenage mistake, girl.

What are you, 40? Come on now. Exactly. So MG decides to have this renewal party, which also is something like Cake Mix that only happens on TV, a renewal party and uh she decides to throw it at the hollywood forever cemetery uh and there's like a little choir there and mj comes and like directs him which all felt very fake it was like sometimes mj does things and

it's it's so obviously planned you know it's like okay let's go through this she's gonna tell him not to sing the song was only hum take off your your shirt. Yada, yada, yada. I'm not with those lyrics. Like, hallelujah. I'm not with that. I'm not with that. How about Amazing Grace? I hate Amazing Grace.

And then Gigi comes in. And then Tommy's like, what? That was good, babe. Like, leave him alone. That was a good song. Like, cold-hearted snake by a crier. It's good. What's the problem? You're not a music song. Like, cold-hearted snake by a crier. It's good. What's the problem?

You're not a music director, okay, honey? So just let it be, okay? They're doing a good job, honey. You know PJ Thomas, okay, babe? So Gigi comes in, and Gigi, of course, you know, always wanted to make a show. She's like, I don't know if I like cemeteries. And she's walking around like she's walking on hot coals. She's like, dead people everywhere.

Shut up, Gigi. That's where they have the Day of the Dead party, and they show movies during the summer. walking around like she's walking on hot coals she's like dead people everywhere shut up gg that's where they have the day of the dead party and they show movies during the summer and she knows that it's not like this big shock to gg yeah oh well you know because my disease is invisible you know like the dead people like i'm like them because no one believes us gg is the worst she is acupuncture is my everything, okay? It makes me feel so good. And then talks about how she just doesn't like to work and she just likes to lay around all day and doesn't...

Yeah. She's so worthless. So then before this party gets going, everyone's sitting around. It's like made you look like a funeral. This is very starting over. This is a very Jan Le Van Zandt um exercise to to purge your demons and so there's a there's a casket there they're doves that are gonna be released it's

all very people who never learn anything yeah exactly so they're all sitting around and vita ever like the instigator looks at mike and was like, Mike, where's Jessica? Where's your wife, Jessica? And he's like, she's not here. She's not here. But where is she? She's not here. Where?

She's not here. And it actually kind of really echoed the Shannon Medora Kelly fight. But Mike jumped right into it. She said, where's Jessica, Mike? And he's like, well, where's the husband that left you? He's like, is Mercedes' dad coming? I'm like, you know, you're really rude. Because A, even though she's a bitch, she's your elder.

And B, you should know better. And C, why don't you just say we're getting divorced? You could just say it. No, I can't say it because he knows that she's going to be like, what did you do to this girl, you bad man You are not good enough for MJ Well, he almost gets away with it Because he's like

Why don't you ask No one has their significant others here Why don't you ask Reza where Adam is Reza, where is Adam Reza's like, Adam has to work right now That's so Persian To come to a renewal thing while your white man has to work? That's so Persian.

She's like, very good. Okay, I ask about Adam. Now, where is Jessica? Yeah. And that's when he says, what did he say? Maybe that's why your husband left you or something? No, he just keeps on, like, he's just ignoring her or saying, like, he's like, not here, not here. So then Vida gets up and she's inspecting the casket.

And then that's when Mike says, hey, Vida, why don't you jump in? And then she's like, you think that is nice? You think that is nice to ask me to jump in? You think that is nice, Michael? Is that when he says maybe that's why her husband left you? No, that's when he said then she goes no wonder why jessica is not with you and then he goes no wonder why your husband left you a long time ago oh snapple he's like the queen of um you are yeah i mean he's right but incredibly rude

there's something about like when you get to a certain age, you're allowed to say bullshit shit like that all the time. Yes. And the friends, they're like, whoa. Whoa. My boy. Like, cracking up. So Vita starts getting her victim look, which is, no one ain't going to fall for that, Vita, okay? So Tommy pulls him aside and he's like, bro. Like, she's crazy. She's a maniac.

But that doesn't mean you got to be. This is my, you know, funeral wedding day possibly, maybe. Yeah. And then Mike's like, I shouldn't have snapped at her. Like, I shouldn't have done it. Like, I shouldn't have done it. Like, this is the story of your life, Mike. You do something stupid, and then afterwards, you get a hang dog expression.

Like, I shouldn't have done it. Like, I've learned so much about it now. Like, I know what I should do now for the future i could be a better man like just give me another shot like i'm trying so hard why don't you believe that you know i've changed like right now like i'm a totally different man than i was like 10 minutes ago like why can't you forgive me like i love sneakers now like i have a mission now this is the first season that i've really been down on mike because it's not like it was a huge shock that Mike was doing any of this stuff but this year turning it into this big

victim thing really I mean I preferred it when he was just deny deny deny yeah Mike I'm always up and down because I feel like sometimes Mike is really full of like common sense and he does have a good perspective on certain things and he has moments of like

real maturity but then he is also a mess and he is he does it a good perspective on certain things and he has moments of real maturity. But then he is also a mess. It's not that he plays the victim, it's that he... Well, he totally does. Well, he does play the victim. It's more like I'm trying to find... There's a word that's a little bit more nuanced than playing the victim.

He just... Whatever, he plays the victim. Passive-aggressive. Yeah, he cheats on somebody a million times. He's like, I'm sorry, I tried my best. I'm trying, I'm trying. Yeah, he plays the victim. Passive-aggressive. Yeah, he cheats on somebody a million times. He's like, I'm sorry, I tried my best. I'm trying, I'm trying. And then he acts like, oh, it was one time and she got mad. I can't believe it.

When can you forgive me for that one mistake? Uh-huh. He's also very condescending. Yes. Yeah, he's just a big phony, which we always knew, but somehow he was a likable phony. It's just sad seeing him go down this path because now he's all bleary-eyed and drunk, and he's got a big bald spot on the front of his head, and he's all fat and angry.

And I don't know. He's going down the Joey from the real world path. You know, it's not a good look. Yeah, but at least he's got a good smile. That he does have. He does. Teeth whitener, whatever Persian dentist is doing. His brother.

His brother's his dentist oh that's right that's right i forgot about that so then mj goes and makes her presentation and she's like i'm getting renewed i'm being renewed and i had to strip away a lot of ego i'm like where did that where did that ego strip come from like where i have not seen any ego stripped away like what where is this journey she keeps talking about i just don't see it yeah your ego stripped away you're having a party in a cemetery to celebrate nothing. And everyone has to come and spend thousands of dollars. Yeah, this entire thing is born out of ego.

So her speech was just totally rebellious teenager. This is my renewal, Mom. Guess what? You can't make decisions for me anymore. I'm free of Vita. And look, these are my birth control pills. Because Tommy's the first person to match the back hair pattern of my family. And if he wants to knock me up, then so be it.

Mom, bear back. You know what that is? Mom. She's like, what? MG? Is this over cake? And then she just starts putting things in the coffin, like toy jewelry. And she's like, and here's the recipe to mom's celery soup in the coffin.

Here's a ping pong. No, MJ, this is ridiculous. I'm not proud of you. ridiculous i'm not proud of you so then um tommy gets up and he proposes to mj and it was actually incredibly sweet and he was crying and it really felt sincere to me i like tommy so much never felt somebody grabbed the back of my hair on my back like handlebars i felt like i was being ridden like a bicycle. When I'm with you, I feel like it's 1986 and I'm watching Lenny Dykstra on the Mets.

I love you, MJ. You're like swimming in a sea of meat. Someday I want to move out to the Midwest and build Shea Stadium all over again and in Cornfield. And Vera, of course, is pissed and storms off. Look what he's doing. and build Shea Stadium all over again and in Cornfield. And Vita, of course, is pissed and storms

off. Look what he doing. I shouldn't even come to this. Which, you know, I would be more anti-Vita, but MJ, it's not how you do it. Like, yeah, congratulations, mom. You're dead to me. Welcome to the dead to me party. Yes,

I will marry you person my mom doesn't like yes and Raz is like hello like someone lift these doves up oh these pigeons these are pigeon no they're doves oh what if these pigeons look like like doves

maybe with clean like Tommy need a clean what are you people talking about why are we villainizing poor vita over pigeon language like how dare she call them pigeons yeah that's right she's like oh they're pigeons no they're doves that's so persian to think that pigeons are doves and doves are pigeons that's so persian hey guess what you're not going to be invited to the third time I get married to Adam either Vida Still one episode left of Shaz And probably like one or two reunions

Pretty solid season It just sort of got put on our back roster a little bit Because we've had just major Other major shows airing Too much competition As is in life, you've got to have rules, and that is Housewives Trump Shaws. They certainly do, but still a good season nonetheless.

I've enjoyed it quite a bit. All right, let's go into New Jersey. Let's close out the episode with some Jersey, which was a fine episode. Nothing too crazy really happened, right? I just, I laughed my ass off at this entire episode. Yeah, me too. Teresa's, I heard Teresa's going to become a yoga teacher or something.

Poor Teresa, she doesn't really know how to make an honest living. But it did crack me up at the beginning when she said, like her opening line is, I used to flip tables, but now I'm turning them. This is the first time I realized, you know that means you're basically a waitress, right? That's what you do when you're waiting tables. You turn them.

Well, I mean, she always has sort of looked like a diner waitress. So it makes sense. She's finally fulfilling her destiny. You know what's weird is that, you know me, I've always really hated Teresa, but I'm starting to like her i kind of actually feel like she's she has mellowed out and it seems like she's grown up a little bit is that weird is that just me or is that just the editing that i'm falling falling prey to i think she's finally learning to pretend that she's nice to make everybody else look bad but um in the beginning of shooting this season, everybody was saying, oh, Teresa's so boring now.

What do we do? She's being so nice because she was medicated. And apparently, I don't know if they switched her meds or whatever, but the crazy is coming. Don't you worry. I love this beginning where, oh, Teresa, I'm so nice. I'm tired, you know, because, you know, camp. It's been a whirlwind. It's literally been a wind that's gone around the world.

And in bed, Joe's still in bed. So what? Like, what do I care? Like, what? Yeah, I like that Teresa's not even allowed to walk the kids to the school bus. Joe! Get the dog! Frankie!

Joe! Joe! The toy! Oh, look at him. He's running back. Oh, these people. Why is she not allowed to take her kids down the driveway, but she's allowed to go to a restaurant?

And where else did she go? She went to a restaurant twice. She has to get special permission to go off campus, but I think they don't want to call for permission every single time she wants to walk to the end of the driveway so they just save it for special times they won't even let her go out to the driveway what if there's a fire in the house or something what if joe burns something well down she goes so uh meanwhile because we're getting we're cutting back and forth between theres's house, like everyone's house. It's like breakfast in New Jersey.

And Jackie, poor Chris Laredo, he had to listen to Jackie babble on for hours and hours about Teresa. I mean, I don't understand why she would text me. It seems strange. I like the call. Does she want to be friends? I kind of want to be friends with her, but I don't know. Maybe we should be friends. I should maybe talk to her.

But I don't know. Why didn't she talk to me? I was like, literally. What do you think she meant by that? It was a text, but it wasn't a text text it was a screenshot of a letter does she not remember how to text was she not allowed to text who texted that did she write that was i am writing what does it mean and she's upside down doing um a headstand in yoga which i was pretty impressed by weren't you are you talking about theresa theresa was right not jackie jacqueline was at one point

she went in that montage of her, Teresa, ba-da-ba-da-ba, ba-da-ba-da-ba. At one point, she was in a hen stand. What did she mean by that? I did not notice. All I know is that then, Teresa and Joe were then looking at bills, and Teresa's like,

ever since I went to campuses, now I know to always look at the bills, and I don't put my John Hancoxes on anything that I haven't read yet. And they're, like, sitting there. He's got, like, his bifocals on. She's looking at the bills. And there's, like, this creepy half Santa in the corner staring at them.

It's a very disturbing image. We have an old school marriage. All right. Let me see. I looked at the bill. Okay. Like, call the whoever. Like, what?

I don't know. We literally have an old school marriage. I got my education in an old school house in Sturbridge Village. Men love women because women was made out of ribs. Old school. Tony Lomas. Jacqueline's smart because Chris finally said,

I think this means you should go talk to her. And she's like, that's a good idea, Chris, because she can't run away from me. She's homebound. So she goes over to Teresa's, and Teresa's pretending to vacuum. She's like, huh? What? Huh?

What? Wow. Hi, Jacqueline. And they sit down, and Jacqueline's like, well, I feel like I've been getting a lot of mixed signals from you. I'm like, what about hi? How's it going? Hey, so glad to see you're back from jail.

But she's like, this is really about me right now. Yeah. I'm getting mixed signals. I just got home. What do I do now? I don't send long textuses unless it's about sprinkle cookies. about sprinkle cookies teresa this is when you know that teresa is about to go psycho but she's trying to stop herself because she starts blinking like blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink her eyes start blinking so so quickly it's like she starts making like little

goat sounds yeah and she's like shit another another scene another uh piece of evidence to show that it's about to go to shit. She goes, since I was at camp, I prayed a lot. I'm like, oh, praying a lot is when the crazy is about to come out. It means like, I don't know what else to do. We just pray that I become normal again. Nope. I'm going to be on my knees a lot in jail too, right, Tree?

Like blowjobs, right? I'm going to get laid in jail, right? Blowjobs? Am I going to have to blow guys, Tree? I'm into True. So they eventually, basically they hug and they are like, let's be friends again. I'm going to get laid in jail, right? Blue Jaws? Am I going to have to blow guys' drinks? That makes it true. So basically they hug and they are like, let's be friends again. And Teresa is talking about how she loves yoga and all that stuff.

And then Teresa is like, oh, yeah, there was a lot of dildos in the campuses. Yeah, they would take gloves and maxi pads and toothbrushes. And I'm telling you this because, you know, you're kinky. So, you know, I thought you'd like it. I read lots of books at camps. Like like the bible and all of them said to forgive forgive i hate when they call each other lucy and ethel that makes me fucking crazy the only thing you guys have in common with them is shoving chocolate stand in your throat yeah seriously so then um melissa gorga meanwhile is going uh shopping for inventory for the new envy boutique with her with her store manager jackie who apparently was hand selected for this mission

because she's had a lot of success in her store in florida jackie who's got pink highlights and is wearing a purple tutu yeah the store she's like think about the older people i'm like you think about the older people you're wearing a 10 year old's outfit she's like look look this jumpsuit will look great on a rascal it looks like a cowboy outfit but it's made of polyester for older people. Melissa's like, I may not do much here, but my name is on it, and we are going to have what I want in here. She's like, you can't just have tight dresses and mini skirts, honey. I'm like, yes, you can. This is New Jersey.

Jackie is like Cindy Popper. Jackie is like Cindy Popper. You know? And then they just have that gaping mouth. You gotta think about the old customer Melissa. P.S. Did Teresa really say prayer will heal

Nick's autism? Oh, Teresa. Just pray for him, you know, like I did at camps. Oh, Teresaa so next up is dolores and ciggy my favorites ciggy walking into dolores's empty old marriage home or whatever wearing jeans and a fur coat ciggy is just so wonderful like she is so the future of this show i love what she was just like i'm trying trying to lose weight. I've gained 15 pounds. Hey, it's okay. I'll stop myself.

Look at this. Like, can you believe this? I've gained 15 pounds. It's okay. But yeah, yeah. I want to work on your house. Okay. Like, see this table?

Like, I want a buffet here. Like, the table's fine, but I want a buffet here with alcohol and crystal. Am I getting great? Like, is my face moving? My face moved a little. Look. Did it move? Did it move?

Did it move? And then Dolores. Well, I hate attention, but you know, this is where I was married one time, and then that ended. And then I ended with, shut up already, Dolores. I still don't understand Dolores' timeline or how these houses fit into it. Like, did she always keep this house on the side? Like, I don't get it. All I know is that I would really love to see Siggy's interior design come to fruition.

Because, you know, it's probably just like a fun house. She's like, all right. You know what we should have here? We should have a popcorn machine. Okay. Put a big popcorn machine right here. Like, that's where the toilet is. I don't care.

Just, you'll pee in the popcorn machine. Okay. It'll be fun. Here's what I want. I want it to be open and white. Well, actually, that's what my first husband left for. So, I'm not sure. We should do that. And then Siggy is just like, when I go to people's what my first husband left for. So I'm not sure. We should do that.

And then singing is just like, when I go to people's houses, I see clutter everywhere. And then Dolores is like, oh, I can't. I don't know why I wrote that down. I just love the way they're talking. I can't, not with the clutter. You know what? My first husband, he hated the clutter.

And I thought that was bad. Then the second husband, oh my God, he made the first husband's clutter look like whatever. But you know what? Then I went back to the first husband. I said, let's get a house with no clutter. Like, Dolores, I can't follow this. Then the second husband, oh, my God, he made the first husband's clutter look like whatever. But you know what? Then I went back to the first husband. I said, let's get a house with no clutter. I'm like, Dolores, I can't follow this. I want to remodel this house so that when I go back to my ex-boyfriend, fiance, that, you know, I'll still have that house and I can sell this house.

It's like, bitch, you just switch in between houses. How many houses do you have right now? I know. And then Jackie comes over. And I love there's like a real like undermining moment where Dolores is like, Jackie, why are you blot now? I know. And then Jackie comes over and I love, there's like a real undermining moment where Dolores is like, Jackie, why are you blotchy? What happened? Because Jackie would be like, oh.

She's like, I'll just put a scarf over this on national TV because her chest is totally blotchy. She's like, well, I spoke to Teresa and I think we're friends again. Wait a second. For this, I need wine. You got wine? You got champagne? I need it. Wine? Champ second for this i need wine you got wine you got champagne i need it wine champagne like what do you got water okay jesus made it you know did jesus make

champagne okay one hit one of that jesus shut up ciggy well i love how dolores is like that makes me really happy that makes me really happy and then ciggy goes you don't understand that makes her really happy. Thanks for the clarification. I wasn't sure the first 10 times Dolores said it. She's funny. These two are great casting. Great.

I keep reading that Dolores is boring and this and that. But so far, I mean, these two are just a thousand times improvement over last year. Yeah. And the funny thing is that when Dolores had appeared on the show previously, she was always so quiet. But now she's just, like, babbling away. But I think that Dolores only works in the context of Siggy. Because on her own, Dolores is boring. She's just saying the same thing, and it doesn't make sense, like, about her ex and whatever, this house.

Yes. But with Siggy, they're both hilarious. She'd be roller skating, like renting skates. I would never. I never even rented my first house where I lived with my husband. You know, it didn't work out. But then I had this fiance and I thought that was going to be everything. Just skate!

Just skate! We don't need to hear about the husband and the fiance every single time. And we still don't even understand their timeline. So Melissa and Teresa have called the trees and I'm actually liking watching them together. Even though every time Melissa says something, she's kind of poking at Teresa and Teresa does her fast psycho blink. She's like,

So I'm waiting for that to come back, but it is nice to to see them being friends like two bitches in a in a range rover yeah i mean yeah exactly i don't remember it was out there with what they were doing they were driving somewhere i don't they were getting ready to go somewhere well she was just eating it first yeah it keeps going back and forth this episode but she was saying oh jack came over and uh and mel, well, was it good or bad? Is that a good thing? She goes, yeah, yeah.

It was like we started where we left. You left actually in Arizona and then on a reunion threatening to stab each other's eyes out, I think. Okay. Can't be too technical with Teresa. Yeah. Then we go to Dolores' house. It's at night. And her ex, who I find oddly very attractive.

Even though he's older and sort of chunky, you can tell how he used to be really hot. And there's residual hotness. Does that make sense? Yeah, like where his fat is made out of muscle. I love that. When a guy gets fat, but it's hard. I love hard fat. Yeah, husky, if you will.

And you know he put up with a lot from this woman because she may seem nice but this guy was bringing food for four people and he brought five pizzas because they all had different food you know it was like one gluten-free and one dairy free and one this free and one that free that's a patient man right there maybe he's like well i figured i'd just give her a lot of pizza so that way I don't have to hear about how she used to be a detective again. Maybe if I just keep a mouthful. But that man paid property taxes on that house

all those years that she was off fucking some other dude just in the hopes that she would come home. I mean, talk about it. He was with someone else, though. He was with someone else. He cheated on her also, by the way. Don't forget. I know, but that's what I mean.

Like, he still loves her. He's paying for the house so that she can just maybe, like, keep the light on for her, you know? And he lives just down the street, but he's still coming over for family dinners and stuff. And then they have Frankie, their son, who, since he's 17, I'm not going to say that he's hot because that's lecherous. But when he turns 18, I think I'll have a specific opinion. And Dolores, he's a good boy. He says his prayer and sleeps with his mother. Yikes.

Bates Motel. I remember when I had him with my first husband. Oh my god, what a wonderful day. What a special gift. And then when I left my first husband, I started dating someone else, and that became my fiancé, and Frankie was always a friend of him, but that fiancé, though, oh my goodness, I can't believe I stayed with him, but then I took back my son I went back to my house with stop it

some people play music to their baby so they get smarter and some people just won't stop talking to their baby in their stomach so they're just quiet Frankie's just quiet he's like I'll be hot and silent his mom's like oh can you believe that your father used to lift you and now he doesn't lift you but here he is

five feet though it's like better than the x right like have i even heard from him oh it's like i always say frankie if you want to get ahead in life you got to marry someone and then you have to break up with them and then five years later you got to go get a new fiance and spend five years with them and then decide it's not going to work out and then go back to the original house and remind everyone about how the first guy you married was pretty good but then the second guy made the other guy look like a hero and then you would go back and you know do it again 10 times the point is now we have an open plan the point is what sort of pizza do you want um so ciggy and jacqueline on the phone in the car ciggy's gonna go meet going to meet theresa can

you believe this like here i am going to meet theresa like i believe this? Like, here I am. I'm going to meet Teresa. Like, I'm so excited. I'm Ziggy. It's not a party until Ziggy enters the room. And then Ziggy's in her red dress with her big red fabric. Yeah. And she's like, I'm just going to be myself. I don't know any other way but to be the Sig. My name is really Ziggy. And as a kid, I was bullied for it.

People would call me Squiggy the Sea Monster. They called me Ziggy, Squiggy, Siggy the Sea Monster. I was like, what? But I looked it up. It was a character on children's television in the 70s. I was like, that's too random to just be pulled up in. Hey, just because I had eight different arms and looked like an octopus doesn't mean I should be called Siggy the Sea Monster, okay? I just got to be me, the Sig.

I didn't even know what that was because I was in a basement for so long, it was like my parents calling me that. I was like, why would she name me that? What's a sea monster? Then I got out and I figured everything. Screw you, Ma! But you know what? Those years in the basement, I cherished every single one of them. We had a buffet, we had cans of Campbell's soup, we had another buffet. It was wonderful campbell soup we had another buffet it was wonderful just like the italians the jews and the italians exactly the same we'd love a good dry bread and then theresa showed they're at this basically they're at this restaurant because that's where they're gonna throw um uh dolores's birthday party and uh so theresa and ciggy meet for the first time and ciggy's like, I have this exact bag.

I mean, mine's a little bigger, but I have this exact bag. She had a shopping bag. Well, that, I mean, besides the purse. She was carrying around this shopping bag that had leopard print all over it, but it also had her name, like it was the name of the store.

Did you notice that? It said Dolores. Oh no, it said Dolores. It said Dolores. Oh my God, I'm getting the new girls confused. Well, then I loved also then when Siggy described what it was the name of the store did you notice that it said delores oh no it said delores oh my god i'm getting the new girls confused well then i loved also then when ciggy described what it was like to meet theresa she's like you know what all my butterflies dead aren't the butterflies supposed to be free it doesn't matter because they were dead in my stomach we were like old friends we were like two old friends with the exact same bag except

mine was just a little bit bigger. There's no better friend than Ziggy. If you got Ziggy for a friend, I'm the best friend. If you pee your pants, I wipe your pee. And I expect the same from you. You ain't never found a friend like me. Ba-da-ba! Blah-blah!

A Jew made that. An Italian Jew. Alan Menkenken He's wonderful I remember when I met him All the butterflies died then too I'm a leopard girl too Oh god I'm having a hot flash From the hysterectomy

And the Teresa just goes I like your top Thank you She whips out a fan And starts fanning herself And Teresa's I got a lot of fans too I have 36 people at my

new year's party so so then um oh this is one of my favorites we went we met dolores's grandmother who's 102 years old she looked great for 102 she looked like she was like 87 89 if you ask me yeah pretty good and everybody asking everybody acting like they talked to grandma, and they obviously don't. They're like, she goes, Ma, Ma lived through the Depression, right? And the daughter goes, Yeah, Grandma, and World War II, right? No, she lived through the Depression, but not World War II. Somehow she skipped through time. Something so fucked up.

Have you ever met this woman? But I liked it. So Ma, what did you do today? I watched television today. What did you watch? Nothing good. I'm like, oh, so you watched the last season of the show. Great. And then a bus of old people stops and they all start shuffling in.

And Dolores explains, I don't know, why did she say this i write so many notes on this show but i still don't know what i'm talking about she goes prison is more accepted in the italian culture yeah then divorce yeah i know oh i see i see um uh i did uh i did really like this this old lady and i thought she seemed actually very sharp for 102, and I was a big fan of her. They were all pretty funny. I was so proud of you. I remember when you're my, oh, you remember, I remember, oh, jail, oh.

It was basically 10 minutes of old people slurping on pie, and Dolores was like, family, my new project is Dolores. My new project is me. I made it through the holidays alone. I was like, God forbid, lady. And then Siggy presses her face against the window. The other project is the buffet over there. Open plan, am I right? Hey, it's just the Sig talking.

They're like, is that a sea monster out there? Someone lock the window. The grandma. That's Ziggy the sea monster. Bless her heart. The grandmother has one of those old people moments. I always knew this day would come. Here, take this pendant and kill the monster.

And she just dies. You know how old ladies in those movies always have this special charm that kills the monster they've been carrying for 80 years, ever since they were a child? They're like, it's back. I knew someday the monster would come back. So get to see monsters back here. Take the charm.

She just hardens up and turns to dust. Oh, man. So day of party. Dolores Birdnest here. It's like, oh, man. Yeah party delores bird nest hair it's like oh yeah who are you letting get you ready of course it's jackie she's got this huge hair in this bright lipstick in this red and delores is like this is it the day of reckoning i have a napkin in my hand me a party for me i would never have a party for me. I'm just not the kind of person who likes attention. Me in a red dress? Not a muumuu?

This is so uncomfortable being so good looking. Say your implants. Sir, you ain't used to being looked at. You've had your face done ten damn times. Why? To be in the dark? I ain't buying it, lady. So everyone starts showing up at this restaurant and kathy shows up and kathy comes face to face with tree for the first time and she looks at

tree and she goes you look so nice and they cut to the ankle bracelet i was like that was the shadiest edit of the entire episode they had a lot of shady kathy and rosie edits in this because it they made it look like theresa was giving dirty looks. But then she's like, hi, hi. Nodding. Hi. And Kathy. They just show a close-up of Kathy. They probably turned the air conditioner in her face.

And they just show one eye twitching. So they showed that, I think, 20 times. They had one shot of her where her eyes twitching. Show it again. 20 times they had one shot of her where her eyes twitching like show it again meanwhile um i would like to know more about that 70 year old woman in the blonde wig who um she looked like it was a blonde wig out of 1987 and she had crazy nails and a tan and perhaps light pink lipstick she was amazing i don't know who she was but she stole the show for me. Every extra in Jersey. Whoa. You really see how much they polish up the leads when you see the extras.

Jesus. It looks like a CC's pizza is graduating from high school. Oh, my God. It's so true. Put on some lipstick. It's still a CC's. You can put a lipstick on a cc's okay so the speech oh wait are we there oh yeah more or less well you know i was mad at kathy but that book i read in camp forgive and also vagina waxing theres Teresa. She's getting such mixed signals from jail.

Everyone starts giving speeches and she's like, well, this isn't a speech about Dolores. I know it's supposed to be a speech about Dolores, but this is a speech that I want Dolores to act out with Jackie. Okay, one time I was at camps

and these girls started fucking, and it smelled like butts. I was like camps and these girls started fucking and it smelled like butt. I was like, what the hell is happening? And everyone's like, oh my god, that's crazy. And Rose is like, so? She's like, I like to laugh and release those endorphins

and Saratogans. I'm like, finally the people of upstate New York can be released. Don't worry. Beware, Adirondacks. The Saratogans are let loose. Is this a leopard party or a Saratogans party? It's not Greek, Teresa.

It's not Greek. And I like how Dolores, when she addressed them, she's like, you know, I just want everyone to know that this was not the best year for me. I'm like, you can just imagine Teresa being like, jail, jail. I was in jail. Oh, what? You're in a big house? That reminds me. The story. Yes, Teresa.

We know you were in prison and the other one stuck with a big empty house. Okay. This was so funny. So she starts telling some lesbian sex jokes. She's like, one time, one of the girls woke up and smelled fish. Rosie said, hey, look, I'm old as heck and I've never smelled fish like one time in my life. Like, what, you got a Febreze? Like, plug it in.

What the hell? What kind of prison was this? Siggy's like, hey, is that a reference to me being Siggy the Sea Monster? Siggy is like, hey, is that a reference to me being Siggy the sea monster? You know, Gafilta fish happens to have a delightful smell. I know. I loved Gafilta. No, Gafilta fish.

Gafilta smelled like fish. Gafilta fish. It was camps. I don't remember. So this turns into one long weird sex story from Teresa that everybody is now wasted and falling on the ground laughing and then i think melissa actually started with the story about how she there would there once was a little boy and once was a little girl and the boy got a bone up and he wanted to hump a girl and then she starts humping uh dolores and she's like that's right my midget show wanted to have sex girl. And then she starts humping Dolores. And she's like, that's right.

My midget Joe wanted to have sex with Dolores. But I'm not jealous. I'm not jealous. Uh-oh. I see trouble. Trouble. Trouble. And then there's some weird thing where Tree asks Siggy if her husband is loud or quiet.

And then Siggy is like, I orgasm now i don't my note i don't understand my note oh yeah she's she said uh i'm blessed like this is my second but it's like perfect and now i can look at them yeah and then she uh put on slippers in the parking lot and oh because theresa was like yeah you squirt everyone I think this is where I was hiding under a pillow no wonder why I didn't write it down yeah this was a 10 minute scene about women in jail

jerking off with dildos they make out of gloves screwdrivers and tampons and Teresa squirting everywhere nice nice one but so Jersey so Jersey. So Jersey. You know,

I was really happy to have an episode of New Jersey where nothing really happened, but it was really funny because the characters were making it funny as opposed to last season

when nothing happened and it was just boring. So, honestly, great shows to cover today. What a fun episode of Crabbins. I really enjoyed it.

Mailbag was hilarious. We have so many more questions that we'll get to later this week. On Thursday, we're going to talk New York City, Below Deck Med season finale. And do we have Miss Kate Chastain joining us? Yes, we should be talking to Miss Kate Ch Chastain from Below Deck, a ridge. So, yeah, a ridge. So Kate Chastain, who, if you don't know, she was the first to in the past two seasons of Classic Below Deck. She will join us.

She is amazing. We love her. She's so funny. So excited to talk with her and get her thoughts on this season and whatever else. Love her. You know, we're going to have to talk for half an hour about leaf blowers because that's like our favorite topic. That's one of my favorites of all time. Fuck leaf blowers.

Fuck leaf blowers. So everyone, remember if you want to join in our Patreon hangout, that's this Thursday. If you want to join in, go to Patreon and find all the details about that and the specifics on what time that's going up and the links to get into that.

Just keep an eye on Patreon on our Facebook page and start, start moseying over to tune in because our show, our, our Bravo bonus show, not bonus show, gossip show is going to be starting up next week over there, which is super cool. We'll talk,

we'll have so much gossip to talk about. Of course we didn't talk about the fact that caroline um no don't even i can't i can't i won't even talk about it it disturbs me too much but it truly lives up to the phrase bad news mom well i could use the ladies of dubai with her like clear clear the muscle of women with the little slats in their eyes. Clear them. Yeah. Caroline Stanbury moving to Dubai is tragic. But in the meantime, everyone, have a wonderful midweek. And we will talk to you again on Thursday. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Crappens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.