Watch What Crappens - #3134 My Secret Santa Part One With Reality Gays

Episode Date: December 25, 2025

This is part one of a four-part recap! We are joined by pod buddies Mattie (@themattmarr) and Poodle (@jakeitorfakeit) of Reality Gays (@realitygayspodcast) for our yearly tradition of trashing a Christmas movie for four hours. This time, the film is My Secret Santa from @netflix. It’s Mrs Doubtfire with only the Doubt. Enjoy part one and check back the next few days for all four episodes! To watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Watcher Crappins ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Get your sleigh bells ready and your prosthetic prosthetic, creepy Santa mask because this is the annual gay crappins with reality gays and watch what crappins

with myself, Jake Anthony, Ben Hugh Mandeker. I never say your name right there. And Ronnie Karam, y'all, this is what you've been waiting for. We are talking about Netflix's. My Secret Santa. And it's no secret because it's number one on Netflix.

It's the number one movie on Netflix. Although, how real are those rankings? I don't even know. There's my proof. There is no Nielsen family. I don't believe that they say. I think it's a shadowy company. I love them, although I love them.

I love you, Netflix, just your shadowy. Netflix can go fuck itself because, hey, they charge them. even more money to watch your damn channel. And this is what they're going to give me. They sponsored us this year, so I wouldn't. Oh, sorry. Well, they love you. I still hate your asses.

Give us some more money. I'm still paying you. Especially quit Gamed the Challenge, which was very exciting this season. This is our second Netflix holiday movie in a row. But that doesn't mean it's gotten any better. Although I do think that My Secret Santa, I think of the terrible Christmas movies we've watched over the past five years or so

this one may have been one of the best, I think, in terms of like... I will close time with that for you. Storyline. It's like a stupid-ass movie. But like there were a lot of characters and they all got like a small arc and like it was sort of like they tied up all the loose ends

in a way that like other movies have kind of failed to. Of course, I think that are low benchmark, or low watermark or low whatever, I think is what, the very diva christmas, whatever that one was. Oh. Ladies of the 80s.

Ladies of the 80s. That was such a ridiculous fever dream. That didn't seem to have any reason to be there besides those women getting a check. Right. That's a bit of a reason. Shit, I don't care.

That is enough reason. On a sidewalk, I'll give her money. I mean, four of us when we're podcasting in 20 years, we still follow Donna Mills. I know in four years we're going to, or 40 years, we're going to make a fucking podcast Christmas movie and sell on fucking Patreon with us four queens just going about. And chat, GPT, don't write the script.

But I will say, I will say that like in this movie's, I guess, for lack of a better word, adept. Like it's quality, adeptitude. For its quality, it was also one of my least favorites. we watched because it was probably my least favorite yeah because it had kind of like a bland okayness to it as opposed to the glaring plot holes of a hot frosty or the uh the one where they the minty village where the pioneer woman had worked in a village yes mint village which erased people's memories when you went into it because that's not the way you would know there's not an outside world.

What was the Food Network lady's name who worked at the... Red Drummond. Re-Drummon. Redraming. Yeah. She stared at you and you drank the hot chocolate and then you all abandoned all of your earthly things,

delights. Yeah. She wanted to do. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Remember, hey, what's cancer? Boy. That was worth it. Sometimes still think about that. I think that's what it was saying, though, with this movie, I never laughed out loud at this movie.

It felt, honestly, it felt a little joyless to me. You know, I laughed out loud in the bad dialogue. There was some bad dialogue that some of the worst dialogue that I've ever heard a non-human person say, most of it came from the father. Who was, I don't know where they found him. There were definitely some choices in this movie. so like it definitely still was a bad movie and there were definitely choices that were made that were really bad um but they weren't as glaringly terrible i wanted actually to be so much more worse than it was you know i also remember in that minty it was the food network holiday movie that we're talking about in that in that food network holiday movie that this woman she was a lady from the city she was a career woman who's coming back home to this tiny town and she goes to this this house that this new family's living in and she rings on the doorbell and she's like hi are your parents here and she goes no unfortunately they died in a car wreck two years ago

someone wrote that someone i agree someone wrote that this had what you were mentioning ben is everyone was kind of playing the middle because they had alexandra breckinridge who's done really serious stuff lucille ball she ain't um now what Who's... Who's a newer comedic actress instead of someone who's in the 70s would know. Or like someone who does physical comedy well.

You needed a female Robin Williams. And she didn't have it. Even though she does, she's done a lot of serious. I remember her from dirt. Remember the N-Ex show Dirt? I love that show. I didn't remember her from that. She was like,

She was like the engino of the show. And Courtney Cox was like the bitchy boss. I think this movie would have been way funny with Kate McKinnon. As Santa. You know, he's like a fan of comedy. The problem is you should have played it at Meryl Street. They should have. Is Kristen Wigwer?

Was Glenn Close busy? I mean, what you said, Maddie makes sense. But the problem is you have to have a heroine engini. playing this part and a budget and a budget. But the other thing is you had to get

so it doesn't really work someone like Alexander Breckenridge does not play a comedic Santa so that's why I was never really going to be funny. Well Santa's not funny either you know what I mean? I'm going to play Santa and then

they have you playing Santa. It's like ho ho ho what do you want for Christmas like you need more you know? At one point he did you hear him go or she go ho ho ho jingle bells like every single time Like when everyone would see her

Oh, that's right, I'm Santa. Oh, ho, ho, ho. Jingle bells Rudolph. You know what? I had no idea who Alexandra Breckenridge was. I sort of like, bigly recognized the name, but I really have not followed her career or anything.

No one doesn't talk about this movie. I only knew her from dirt, but she's in this like sad river or mystic river or spirit river. Oh, she was a mystic. Suicide. You know what? It's the show. Lennie and Sean Pan were in this.

Virgin River. Now we've got a movie. Vision River. I said Sad River. Well, because it's the same thing. It's like Virgin River, suicide, suicides, you know, all those shows that came out. It was a show on Netflix. There was like five seasons. No one watched it. I think people did. Let me tell you who were in hospitals watched it. Not people like this. Let me tell you something. First of all, one thing I noticed is that Alexander Breckenridge and the woman who played her daughter, who did not look like to see it. I'd like to add.

I didn't know what her real age is. I have a lot of age issues in the entire movie. Of course she's 23. She's listed as 23, but I think we all know she's about 32. Madison McIsaac. The two of them would do a lot of, they would do a lot of like eyebrow lifted smirking at each other where they turn their head to the side and they go,

I know for people listening on the podcast, it's going to be very hard to describe, but they like had a lot of these like cute seed moments where they were almost in an herbal tea commercial. Like, oh, really? Sleepy time. Yeah. Like, that's what they would do.

Every scene, they're like, they're like, mom, I didn't know you were in a band. Me in a band. Yes, you, mom. I was like, okay, you too. We also need to talk about the fact that the mother has kept her daughter completely in the dark of her entire life. Of what happened before the daughter was born.

We still don't really know it. Well, Lord knows. I think that mothers should do that. I mean, mothers and fathers should do that. My mom doesn't tell me shit, you know. I don't blame her. I wish my mother would have done that while my parents got divorced instead of telling me everything. Yeah, I think that parents deserve, like, silence.

The kid does not need to be baggage with your, you know, badger wishes from the past. You know, like, I know you got pregnant in the back of the rack, you know, where they rack the fucking pins at the bowling alley. But do you know why you didn't know that? I don't. You know how I know. Smelling of stale beer. You get drunk one night and just opened up.

I don't need you to open up. You're my mother. Besides, you want to have like a little bit of a twist later on. Like I had this aunt Ruth, who was really my mom's aunt, but she, you know, like, what do you call it? You don't call them grand-a-and. So Aunt Ruth, she was this lovely, lovely sort of baddy, older lady. And every time, every time it was the holidays, you know, see you're at Rush Ashon and Passover. She was always very flummox about David Dinkin.

She's like, did you see what Dinkins did today? And she was like, I only eat potatoes because of sodium. I only eat potatoes as Aunt Ruth. That was her whole thing. She was just, I love Dan Ruth. She always sent a car. She was so lovely, but she just had sodium. Dickens, now that's the name.

She's always like, Larry, because my dad's Larry, and she's like, Larry, did you see what Thinkins did today? Larry. So she died, and we're, you know, going through her things. And it's like one photo after another of her with Sammy Davis Jr. Her with Jerry Lewis. She was fleeing the rat pack. I was like, what?

Aunt Ruth? She was in her dad. He was like, Spoke and Stogey and Sonof. is just like tweaking her room. Yeah. Like some old vintage David Dinkins porn. Yeah. I haven't thought of David Dinkins in years.

You need a... Nice to withhold things. You get like a surprise for the family later. Yeah. You really need to write a movie where like gay nephew goes back and look through his old Aunt Ruth and you find out that Sammy Davis Jr. is your grandfather. You've got like a lot of eye in there. Yes.

This is such a good find. Before we get started I know we already have gotten started I just want to tell people this is kind of about a Christmas movie but not really we're just for friends who like to hang out and it gets really dirty

and we talk forever so if you're here just for the Christmas movie go somewhere else Is anybody really here for the Christmas movie? I don't know I don't know and I guess we should do some book

we should do some housekeeping which is that this is a crossover event so if you know who we are you may not know who they are the reality days and if you know who they are you may not know who we are and we are watch our crappins. We are two podcasts coming together.

Be sure to follow us on Instagram at reality gaze or is it the reality gaze. At reality gaze. You guys have an Instagram. We are reality gaze podcast on Instagram. Yeah, we're podcast. I hear it's on trends right now. Huge, huge, big one. And be sure to subscribe.

Clear bin. You can find you where I want to hear it. Okay. You can find the reality gaze at reality gaze podcast. And you can find us at Watch What Crappins. Be sure to follow both of our podcasts if you don't do it already. And with that in mind, I think we have to dive into this. I want to say one more.

I want to say one more thing. No, I have one more thing before you're one more thing. No, I have one more thing, Ben. I am exfoliating my lips today. So if anybody is wondering why I keep wiping my mouth and then putting on lip stuff, I'm trying to get very smooth lips while we do this. Okay, Ben, please. And I, I'll wait, one more thing.

I'm working on my posture, so if you see me slumping. And I'm also trying to work on my resting bitch face. I pulled, I looked, I was, so I have a teleprompter. So when I look up, I have this sort of strange angle. And I notice that when I'm trying to have a pleasant look on my face, but sometimes when I'm reading the notes, I forget about my face. And I scowl at the camera. And I'm in a very good mood.

But the scowl betrays my emotional state. That's why I get Botox, so I don't scow. I can't. I was going to say, look at me mad right now. This is what my face looks like. Wait, wait, here. This is what my face looks like when I'm not paying attention. Yeah.

You're about to like... A little bit of saliva just coming down. You're about to complain about the weather. Yeah, it's very scary. Sorry for people who are just listening who have no idea what's happening with my face, and maybe you're lucky. I want to say something. We've talked about Alexander Breckenridge.

Oh, wait. No, I had one more thing before we talk about this. I do. Go ahead. Go ahead. I just want to say for our listeners, because every once in a while, listeners come to us and if you don't know Ben and Ronnie, you say, why don't you cover Housewives? Because no one does it better than you too. And that's so if you're housewives think, like, you're historic. Yeah. So if you're into, if you're a bravoolic, then Ben and Ronnie your show. Literally for the four reality TV programming and podcasting, that's, you were, you were doing this show like. Thank you. Lisa Renna was like four faces ago. Oh, God. Before Coke in the bathroom.

Pre-Rena, girl. Yeah. Well, yeah, for both of our audiences, you guys are the, you guys are specialized in 90-day fiancee. We specialize in Bravo. So if, you know, did you all do secretalize of Mormon wives, too? You did it one at the first season, right? And we did not do the second because we were really busy.

And we consider doing this one. And God, I'm so glad we didn't because I watched the whole thing. I just finished it. I loved it. But, God, what a dark, dark. It got really, y'all, it covered every single thing. Did you guys get in trouble? Like just, just even having the discussions.

I'm like, I don't know that two men need to be weighing in on some of this. It was really tricky because, and we deferred a lot to when we had, you know, co-hosts on who were women. But luckily, Demi made herself so ridiculously awful. It did all the work for us. Yeah, she really did. Oh, and her husband, Brent, an old man. They were calling him old man, Brett. That was so funny.

And he got, what a prick. The guy used to fuck Angie from housewaters. And also, the good thing about that is Angie, his ex-wife, was on housewives for a minute. She blew up her life, too. But she was on housewives for a minute. And she has a really messy current husband who fucked up her time on housewife by getting too involved in all of the shit. And he started all of these fake accounts against the women and we're coming after the women online

under fake names and stuff. And so I love that he had two. messy men right in a row. Brett, with his new work, he looked like Ron Perlman from Duty and the Beast. You know, he's lived in the sewers

and Linda Hamilton was like, I love he's disfigured. Yeah. Kind of like cat. It's a, it's an everlasting romance. Okay, that was my one thing. We can start. Thank you. Well, we talked about, we've shown a light on

Alexander Breck and Rachel. We've shown a light on she's walking dead she's in walking dead and i was in walking dead yeah i don't remember her and i watched most of walking oh because she had red hair maybe that's also the you know what's great is the walking dead is also i think the note they gave everyone for their acting choices this episode this movie they're like it would definitely um but what i was going to say though is that the real i think the real i think what i've been really i think what i've been really trying to say for the past 24 hours ever since I saw this movie

that's been on my mind the headline here Diana Maria Riva what a breakout star where have you been where have she been Diana Maria why is she not why is she not like in every movie

she was wonderful she was like in real women have curves or some new like she was dialed in. She was, I mean, she was giving a comedic performance that was nuanced and layered. I mean, every time she came on screen, I was so happy. She was so good. I did. She had a lot of work. Yeah, she did. She just was lonely at the end of the day. Just a lonely slut. Well, but it's also, of course, we're going to love her. It's like we've got

three lonely wars here. And that's true. It's like literally three of us on this show right now. We are the landlord down the hall who's going to try and fuck your dad. Ben is the only person on this podcast that still believes in love. Not just the dad, your grandfather. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappence commercial. Have y'all ever been, and it's okay, this is a safe space for some gay in it. Have you ever had any type of like Santa or bearded man fetish?

I think Santa versus bearded and fetish is very different A white When I worked at the gay bookstore We had these dirty cards That was like burly Santa But like some were like

Tom of Finland Santa That's different That's fun That's fine That's okay But then there's the ones like Straight up Santa With a big dick

It was always just weird. No, I've never had that fetish. I'm, I've always been taught to be very wary of older men offering me things. I never learned that. But, yeah, they come down the chimney, yeah. Yeah, but I do have a fetish of somebody

being attracted to me because I, you know, I'm 50 and I'm like, you know, I come in and out of Santa. I mean, if it weren't for like weight loss drugs, I'd be fully in the Santa camp. Got it. So you want to be the Santa in that. I mean, not in a creepy, like, kid way, but like, you know, I hope that somebody like, somebody, like, somebody

with a Santa fetish. I mean, I could use those people. So if you know anybody, like... You have a 28-year-old with a tied ass who's into Santa. Yeah, exactly. Like, so if you know anybody with that fetish, I'm not against them. But yeah, I've never really had a Santa... Because you know what? I really don't like beards, and I don't...

I really hate white beards. Because I feel like it's just rude to everybody around you, because you get shit in them. You get... Every time you drink a coffee, your little beard get pain. It's like a dog. You know, it's like a white dog and you can tell that they've been eating shit outside. It's all over their mouth.

I do have to say, when white dogs have stains all over them, I do say, can't you clean your dog? Like, Maltese's, I'm like, someone clean your dog's eyes. It bothers me. Oh, the eye boogers on dolls. Like the eye bugger stack on the dog. It's just so wrong. They have medicine.

We've gone off the rails. You can take. Not dog's eyes. No, my dad, my dad, I remember when I was in Oklahoma taking care of my dad, because he had two Maltises, and, well, first of all, Tila, and then Emmy, but Tila died. Tila and M. No, he man.

That's just the names of the dog. Yeah, I know. But, uh, you didn't have much going. I mean, you named Tila. No, we didn't. That's right. We were sitting in the hospital at M.D. Anderson.

He was doing like some type of treatment. And he was sitting there. And I'm just like, you know, in the hospital as well and looking on my phone. And my dad goes, my few. I said, yeah, pop. Go on there and look up and see what that stuff is. called that you give them all teases so they don't get tears in their eyes. And I said, what are you talking about? I thought my dad was crazy. And there's this thing, I think it's called

like no more tears. And it's like they stop the dogs from getting eye boogers. Oh, wow. I have to say that I think you may have just given a monologue that would count as character development on any one of these Christmas meetings. Why don't you celebrate Christmas anymore? The last time I saw my dad, we were sitting in the hospital room and he said, look up that medicine that takes the tears out of a dog's eyes. And I did. I did. I just haven't been able to celebrate ever since. That would have helped actually when they said, why don't you want to date? Well, I don't know. I'm just kind of sworn off guys. Okay. So you're like mid-30s, maybe 40s. I have a problem with all the ages. Like she got pregnant in high school. Then there's this daughter. How old are you?

There are some of these characters' backstories and the last piece of the last performance I really want to highlight because obviously Diana was the standout for me she did excellent work but also like let's not overlook Tia of Tia and Tamara fame

she really like somehow she like didn't really have to do much she barely had any lines but like some of those scenes where she's at home alone drinking a glass of wine staring at a computer with like kind of rage in her eyes I was like I've met this girl before. Like, I've worked with her.

I've been with a girl before. I mean, I really related to the moments where she was trying to Google things but couldn't figure out the right terms to get the information. Boy, because I mean, there were so many scenes of her Googling and she just couldn't figure anything out and I was like, that is so me. Like, I

can't use AI. You know, a lot of people love it. I don't even know what to ask it. I just get flummoxed, you know? But talk about a character who had no want at all. Just blind ambition. That's what they gave her. And she's actually a physical comedian. The characters who had no wants at all were the

characters who had no wants at all were the 30 people who showed up for this strange Christmas concert that the hotel was throwing. Don't forget they heckled. They heckled everyone as well. Yeah. Yeah, there was a heckler. There was like a Joe Roachan heckler over there.

And then also just a town that is so into Santa. I just thought that was so funny. Like Santa's a celebrity. They're like, oh, my God. Santa is going viral. The hotel Santa's going viral. Oh, my God, a really good Santa experience. Everyone would not see that Santa.

My stars on yellow. They get a review. The local paper reviews the Santa meter at the hotel. Did you think Ben is someone growing, you know, you're Jewish. And so growing up, did you think it was weird that children went and sat on a stranger's lap? I don't think you really, no, no.

It's just sort of like part of like the Christmas lore. Just something Christians do, you know? I hated it. I screened and fought. I did not want to sit on an old man's lap. Yeah. And now I would do it for a good $5,000. I did it.

I just demanded a 20 on the spot. It's like you're not going to promise me some presents later. Money first, bitch. I want it now. Well, should we dive into this movie? Sorry, let's talk about who is in this. We've talked about who's in it. Who's made this movie?

movie is what I want to know. Because I wrote down the name Howard Bronstine and son. So I googled that. And the first thing that came up is a man and his son were found guilty on multiple charges. It looks like wire fraud

for a signature signing a forgiveness application on a second PPP loan. So do you think that was them? This whole movie was just a tax shelter. Queens. They could get out of it. I think that's what it was. So then I looked up his real IMDB, and I see some stuff here.

2023, the girl who escaped, the Kara Robbins thing, something called the formant, the Brooke Ellison story. The girl who escaped. Oh, my God, sinners. I love that just on the movie. That's just on the scene. No, not actual. This person did not make sinners. Ben, I've got a present for you.

His previous movie last year was called Hanukkah on the rocks. I think my friend wrote that actually Honica on the Rock My friend she writes like She writes these movies Oh my gosh And I think she wrote a Hanukkah Oh no she wrote one about the Kansas City

Is her name Julie Thurman Wolf? Oh That's 100% her That's her That's her She wrote it Yeah she did

She wrote Hanuk Because she's Jewish So she like She gets some of the Like the Jewish holidays in there It's a little Yiddish in there And it was all good

She's wonderful She's like She's so good great. You know, she's one of the first people I met out here in L.A. She lives in Connecticut now. She's very, she just, she found her lane and she just does these movies. She used to write on, everybody loves Raymond. I mean, she's a real blessing. And that's what I'm like, we'll never do any one of her movies because I don't want to ever have to tear apart one of her movies because I know her. But, um, you know, I'm happy that she's doing well with this.

I think there's a formula though. I think you can do this, you can do the formulas really smartly. Like I still say that Lindsay Lohan movie, the first one we ever did, was probably the most successful because at least it kind of knew what it was and it wasn't and it was really digging into that. Speaking of, I just wanted to say that movie was written

by Ron Oliver, who also co-wrote this movie. Okay. Well, there you go. Now we understand why this one was so good. And also someone named Carly Smales, which again, sounds like a 30 Rock name. Sounds like someone of Norwegian descent.

That's a fail of a parent because that name never is going to sound adult. Carly Smales at your service. No, you're never going to sound like a 40-year-old woman with that name. I'd like to introduce you to my daughter, Pookie Snokey, Tinkertown. Now, Squire. Actually, my favorite credit that I saw in the opening, credits of this TV of this movie was in the middle of

all these names and I have to say the line producer really stood out to me I remember when when their name showed up I was like excuse me their name was Jill Jill G-I-L-L-E-S Jill LaPlant I was like Continental

doing the non-concentre I'm going to make a movie I'm a set her I only ask one thing of you please don't forget to water me This whole thing is very Canadian. It stinks of Canada. Like the whole movie does. Not that bad way, too.

Like maple syrup. Yeah. It's like maple syrup. It's got Canada all over it. Be nice to get it. We're all going to be asking for citizenship scene. Don't get, don't have Caitlin stop doing our social media. It was filmed in, it was like, it was filming like KillMap or something like that.

Or one of our listeners who's from there. They just, they love getting lost. there. They're like, this was British Columbia and Sun Peak. I think there is a place called Sun Peak that they filmed this in. Yeah. So I have two observations. First of all, yes, they were clearly filming on location because that was not CGI breath. And this movie, the entire movie, anytime they went outside, they were full on

cumulus clouds. This was, this was freezing. Didn't it make you guys think of my God? Like, if ever I have breath that is questionable that I know, like I've just had coffee or whatever. I'm like, well, just not, you know, talk right in someone's face. Like, to see how breath travels that far out of you and into someone's face, it was just, I don't want to talk anymore around. I don't want to ever speak in public again after seeing everything coming out of these people's mouths. They should have just called us My Secret COVID. Yeah.

It was Arctic. By the way, before, one more thing before we have to get into this, when the title is called My Secret Santa, and every time I see the phrase, my secret something, I think of when I was looking in my mother's drawers when in her room. And there was a book called My Secret Garden. And it was this book of erotica. And I, of course, erotica for women by Nancy Friday. And I obsessively read it when I was. I'll bet you did.

That is the creepiest story I've ever heard. I can see you standing there touching yourself at your mother's drawing. reading reading a book out of my mother's probably sock drawer oh and secret garden she's like wait a minute where are these socks laid out differently in here wow he touched his throbbing member it was it's all like story it's all like I want to read it it was it's peak 1980s ladies erotica and it's like Doris Friley like Nancy Friday like that's the sexiest name you can have Friday that now that's a lot better than Harley Schnail.

Shemales. Now, Jake has a connection to, well, Tia or Tamara. We're not sure, but Jake does have a connection to one of them. I had my birthday party once at Boardwalk 11, this karaoke bar in kind of Palms, West Alley-ish, Motor National. Yeah. You know, the motor, which goes like every direction of the compass, it's like west, then you're north. Then you're like, how is this still? It's like National Boulevard.

Yeah. West L.A. is weird. Well, Culver City specifically is just a disaster. Yeah. So I had my birthday, and of course, as you do, you drink some and you may drink to excess. And Tia

or Tamara, I'm really not sure. I think it was Tamara Mori. She's the one who's loony these days? You don't know. You have no idea. Don't even act like you know. I don't think that she has... I don't think so. I don't think she has any. I thought one of them went loony.

No, I don't think so. I don't think so. one of them was on the mask singer of the girl from Saved by the Bell Oh, maybes. Amanda Bines. No. Lisa Voorhees.

Lark Vorhees. Lark Vorhees. Yeah, sorry we can. Cameron Mannheim. When in doubt, the answer is Cameron Mannheim or Park Overall. Remember? Holland Taylor.

We have dropped Park Overall. Our listeners have been telling us we made a Park Overall reference. You guys made it literally the next day. Really? Oh, yeah. She's like a Willie. That's what Jake and Jake, yeah.

Wait, so what happened? So one of the sister's sisters, was that your birthday party? We were, no, kind of. Okay. I'm going to finish telling this story. No, no, no. This is kind of. She was there with like a competing birthday party, I think.

A twin birthday party, if you will? Exactly. I saw her and I was like, oh my God, that's one of the Mowries. This is when Jake just. moved to LA, so he's still... I've been here maybe two months. No, I've been here like six months. He was still a big star fucker, like, and got really

enamored by any celebrity. But it's that level of stars. Like, it's like Tia and Tamara, like all the big ones I would see, I wouldn't even talk to them, but I would get really excited by like... Like a Diana Maria Riva. Yes. Or like... The whole time in this

karaoke bar, he's getting drunker and he can't stop obsessing watching what Tia are in there. is doing. And I say, and I say, do you remember, do you so remember Twitches? They're a movie where there were teen witches, but it was called Twitches? And everybody was like, no, because we're not gay. We didn't watch that. And, and so finally, she was by the end of the night. And I just, I was staggering out of the bar. And so was she. And I finally was in a crosswalk. And I know, she was not drunk because I was not drunk.

And I remember walking right beside you. I'm going to continue this story. I don't remember it that way. And I screamed, Twitch! Twitch! You did scream drunkenly. Twitch at her. And she turned around with fear in her eyes while Jake ran up to her in the middle of the crosswalk, held her by her shoulders and said, I love your work. I told her I loved her work.

What did she say? I screamed, twitch at her. She said, thank you so much. Thank you. And her hot boyfriend, whatever, immediately grabbed her arm. and drug her away. Aw. Wow.

It's a good thing her brother, Taj Mori, wasn't there. He's hot now. Anyway, now we can start. Now we can start.

It's only 35 minutes in. It's pretty good. Well, that's great context. That's great context to power us into this feature film. You know, one thing about this movie is...

Like, Kinley Clarkson's song. Oh, I was going to say, this is how you can tell it's a Netflix Christmas movie because the opening music is actually a license, you know, Kelly Clarkson,

Ariana Grande duet. And like, Hallmark's not paying for that. And definitely food network is not. Food Network just is going to have like, you know, Paula Dean grunting into a wooden spoon on

voice memo under it. Yeah, and not paying her because she's had controversy. They're like, you took a pay cut, remember? Just do it, Paula. Just do it, Paula. Keep the sleigh rides, blah, blah. How many times I've got to say sorry? So, who's singing the

duet in this? It's Kelly Clarkson and Ariana Grande. It's actually there. It is. It is. It is. I shazamed it. I shazamed it. I was like this is sort of good. And I was like it sounds like a fake Christmas song, but it's actually, it's the problem is there was like after with Mariah Carey's ubiquitous song, everyone tries to make that

song again. Never heard of that. It's the same exact. I'm going to get music blurred for you really quickly, it's the same exact harmonic progression as all they all are. If you listen to all of them in the home, they're all the exact same. It's so frustrated.

This one is called Santa Can't you hear me, which is a bit needy, I think, of these two ladies. Can't you hear me? Santa is in heaven and you don't belt. But I do like that, I do love that song, Santa

baby. That's a Rate Ariana Grande's song. It's also kind of sexual. You know a song I also like? Yeah, I wish I had that one. No one I like that's very similar. Instead of not Santa Baby,

I'm also into baby baby, you know, Amy Grant. Oh, yeah, Grant. It's never a bad time for it. El should die. El should die. See, okay, look, it is so weird. He was raised Catholic,

but he knows all these contemporary Christian songs. because all his friends were like big evangelicals? No, all my girlfriend. I thought you were, I thought you were a Christian Christian. I didn't know you were a Catholic Christian. Oh, I was raised Catholic.

I thought about becoming a priest, and then two months later, I fucked my R.A. Wow. That had a rough ending. You know, it did, literally. I didn't know what Lube was then.

It was rough. Yikes. Bless it. Meanwhile, I'm sorry, where do we go from there? She's not so her job, class. I can't even get to her job yet. Please, please, please.

So we have this song that's playing. It's definitely Netflix signaling. And we're seeing, you know, sort of generic small town, winter, everything. And as their credits roll, there's this like shimmering tinkerbell effect that swirls around. everywhere that's like before like Howard Bronson's name shows up it's like tinkle tinkle so there's sort of like the suggestion that

there is going to be some sort of magic in this movie and I just want to say it right now there's no magic there's nothing magical happens but how can I be you guys this was directed by somebody named Mike Roll and he is directed

when the when calls a heart falling together lots of huge ones. My favorite title on here is from 2023, and it's called Married by Mistake. Been there. I loved,

you know what? And actually, you know, it's also funny. He also directed Tar. So this is a real great show of versatility. Range. Tom. Lesbian intensity in this.

film that was a good movie i was kind of on her side until i was like i just couldn't anymore i was like surely she's innocent she wasn't spoiler alert okay so no go to a cookie company called the clots cookie company who's buying who's buying something from somebody named clots but i'm not buying food products from you i'm trying to keep my heart going but the clots cookie company these are the most basic ask christmas cookies i've ever seen they're terrible i know So a couple of questions about the business model here. Do they do cookies all year round? Or is this some type of seasonal business?

Yeah, I think it was a seasonal and regional business. Yeah. So we're talking, this place operates maybe three to four months a year. What do they make, like, Bialis? What do they make the rest of the time? Clots. I mean, it's seasonal and regional. It's a pop-up, basically.

And we meet our, clots. You know, it's like a, what's it called? I don't like a Jewish bakery. I know, it's like, you know, well, there is that, like, San Francisco ice cream sandwich. What's it called, Uts? No. Uts. It's, it's, it's, it's also, it's the one who makes an it's it.

Wait, Uts is the potato chip, right? Uts is the potato chip, you're right. The point is there is a story tradition of delicious snacks that end with, like, TZ. And that's why we have Klotz cookie company. But yeah, I agree. They have to work on their branding because Clots just does not sound good. And by the way, I would also like to say, I was pretty invested in this Clots cookie company from the beginning. And we never see it again. Like, this is the beginning and the end of Potts cookie company right here. I would have preferred the story of Clots cookie company.

And I also really liked her because she was really killing the game. Commercials. Here comes one right now. So we meet our lead actress who, listen, I know... Taylor. We're talking about how much budget you guys have. You could afford Ariana Grande. You could not afford somebody to do this poor girl's roots. I mean,

the girls on a Christmas movie on Netflix. So, TVs are bigger now. I think that was intentional. No, it was not. It made her look poor. I think it was because she used to be in a band. And so there's like sort of like a grungy 90s look. On an edge to her. Because they were still like kind of blonde.

Like they weren't like roof. Unwashed hair. If they had said we wanted to look more in. have roots. That would have been one thing. Yeah. It would have been, it would have been visible in a way that you got it for the character. This was just like they didn't send her in, you know? I've felt for her. Yeah, she just, I definitely noticed that as well. I was like, this hair is doing something, but I just sort of assumed it was part of her post-grunge, you know, persona. Yeah. But she doesn't, the thing is, she doesn't have, it seems like she was a punk singer, but there's nothing about her that feels punk at all. At all.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. And like if she, like, well, she, okay, her kid is fifth. Also, what's funny is that like, okay. I have a lot of questions about age here. Yeah. Her kid is 15.

The child is 15. I'm going to go to housewives, watch her. I've learned not to ask. I just roll with whatever you tell me. I'm like, I'm like, she gave up, she gave up her pop punk career when she went, when her child was born. I was 15 years ago. So that means that she was in a band around. around 2010.

So I'm like, I'm trying to like figure out what kind of, was she in the Veronica's? Like where, where, what kind of band was she in in 2010? The illustration that they had, it looked like something from earlier. It looked like it was from 1990s, 94. The art, which would actually make her closer to being like 55 years ago. Thank you. That's what I'm saying. Something was, and when he said, that's you on the court, I'm like, it's an illustration.

someone drew her. You can't tell that's her. Just from looking at it. Linda Perry is 60 years old. And, you know, of course, from four non-blond. Yes. So, like, that's kind of like the vibe they're giving. And the way, when we, when we meet this guy, the way he talks about her,

he's like, I look on you. Like, this was like a change of my life. I was like, sir, you may want to pay guitar. You were like 36 years old when her band was out. That was a thing. Like, he was like a predator or something, like going to, because she was only like the local band and he was just like following around this high school band

or something. It was weird. I mean, he's no Aaron O'Connell. But now, you really is not. But I think he's a better actor than all. Because he's been in tons of stuff, y'all. This guy was, I thought he was the best actor of the thing. Besides, besides. Thank you.

Diana. You know what I didn't believe? His hair. I never loved this actor. I didn't believe his rug. That rug was disturbing. It was a disturbing rug. It's been a, it's been a.

It's been on and off. He's been around. He was on like the black list. Is that the show? The blacklist, New Amsterdam. He's been, I had a lot of bronzer on it first. I think he, I used to think he was so hot. And I will say, when he was in that towel, I enjoyed it.

He's hot, but he's very factory, you know. He's just, he's very, he's very, smarmy. But he is, he is very cute. There's a lot of character things we should talk about with him. But we'll get there. We'll get there. Right now, we're. concentrating on this. There's a lady who is in a punk band in 1992 and now she's 30-something

and it's 50 years later and somehow she's in a cookie company. And also she's quality control in a small cookie company. For people listening, by the way, we're only on the fourth sentence that I wrote. Oh, I love this. So just buckle up. I've already got 10 pages into this. So we are We're with her. She was a punk girl, but now she's like a cookie Karen, and she's the manager who walks around. She's like, um, that cookie is not good enough. That Santa looks like, sure.

Yeah, I was like, whoa, I'm supposed to root for cookie Karen? No. Also, like, she's like, she has standards, and she's like, we're not putting out a shitty-looking Santa Claus. That Santa was fine. That Santa was fine. It was a good-looking family. It was fine.

It wasn't spectacular. Yeah, and they were wondering, we've, We're telegraphing this Santa thing. Like, this Santa should be good. We're telegraphing the fact that she knows about Santa's. Yes. Yeah. Well, what happens is, so right now what we are establishing is that this character is ornery and is persnickety.

Difficult. And has, and is very detailed oriented to a fault and has no joy and doesn't understand life. And that's why we will see her acting this way for the rest of the movie. Just kidding. It's just kidding. None of that. I know. Here's our lead character.

She just called the police on a minority in the neighborhood for no reason. You're like, okay, I guess we're going to watch a Karen Christmas. And then after she's like totally nice, I didn't get it. I felt they were going to change her character. Like Christmas, it was like Mrs. Scrooge or something like Vanessa Williams when she learns the, yeah, that's a good. Yeah, I think that they try to later on jumping ahead. Like, I think they tried a show that like she's a joyless person and she can't even enjoy. whimsical things, whatever.

But, like, what I got from it was, like, this is someone who's actually, like, scrutinizes things very carefully, and she's, like, a difficult manager. But I'm like, also, she doesn't seem to be able to hold a job. And also, since she can't hold a job and she's taking all these odd jobs, how did she wind up in a management position of this cookie? That's the one frosting the cookie. You don't just, you have to be an experienced baker to be a manager of a bakery. So I thought, so we're just abandoning probably the years of baking school.

and, like, working at bakeries for years and just going, fuck it? Yeah. And also, she dropped out of college, so there's no degree. And... Wow, I'm not judging. Okay. But everyone has to go to college, Jake. Wow.

No, I'm saying, I'm saying... Unfortunately, it looks like her dreams of being a northwestern grad. I've done down the lights. Sorry, it can't be our cookie manager. Wow. Can't be cookie quality control. More like it. I can't recognize a lazy eye on a Santa.

You didn't go to college. Wow. I guess I agree. You know, last time I checked all those other Stanford graduates were doing pretty well with their cookies. It's, but the issue here is she's like lecturing her employees or they're not really her employees. It seems like she's somehow above them.

Yes. And, um, and her jobs to go behind every. other baker and check their work I think it's okay I mean I think that like you're like you need a quality if you're doing at the Klotz company you need to have quality control and like the indication is that this is something that she has expertise in

that she's worked away to this position and she's very demanding and she's had to make a lot of sacrifices along the way which is what has you know usually in the world of these movies that's why she has a cold hard heart that she can't find joy at Christmas time because she had to work so hard to get to this position

but it turns out what the implication is later on is that she just somehow got this position and she got it and was like I'm going to take it very seriously and I'm going to be a bitch to everyone who's frosting cookies right now but it has nothing to do with how I am at home. Yeah she's also like I get and they did play this

off in the movie that she's just severely depressed and stuff but she's like projecting a lot of her own shit onto the cookies because she's like this Santa's not good enough I mean he's clearly depressed it's like okay right you know like don't don't put this on the Santa like I don't need to eat your failure you know just

I saw cooking, send it out. Can we talk about the fact that there are multiple Christmas trees in this kitchen? There's like a Christmas tree over here. There's like one over here. And there's like decorations everywhere. There's something about getting to code. It seems to be a sanitation issue. I would think so.

But I feel they're trying in the first 10 minutes of a movie of Christmas movie, they try to show there's so much decoration. There's so much reminder. It's fucking Christmas, everybody, to make sure we know that. Because you forget, yeah. Yeah. They're also like, and they're also, so this supervisor comes over and he's like, excuse me.

Miss Jacobson, can I, can I speak with you, please? Okay, so he pulls her, he pulls her over, and he's basically like, look, unfortunately, like, you know, cookie demand is at an all-time low. There's too many people are making cookies at home. Favorite sentences of dialogue. It would be it. Yeah. Too many people are cooking or making cookies at home.

I'm like, no, your cookies are shit, actually. That's what this means. Yeah. About like, Harris. You know what I mean? Periffs. Do you think, do you think the fact that people would stop like buying porthos if people started making cookies at home because this porto is fucking good?

I think we all know this was just an excuse. There's an excuse for the supervisor to fire Taylor because they're like, she's miserable. She's seeing things in these cookies that do not exist, rejecting her own issues from her failed crappy band. And we don't like her around anymore. And she said, no. And this was like the retaliation. I didn't know this guy.

That's life. That's life right there. It is. And I didn't like him at all. And she got like zero justice. Like she didn't do anything wrong. He's like, hey, guess what? The cookie economy has changed now.

Take it. okay and if you don't like it thanks obama okay say it on your way out you dumb slut like this guy i didn't believe him this guy was a harasser if i've ever seen one and i'll die picked christmas if this is so seasonal there's no other time honey you had to go and yeah i i yeah that was that seemed like a not a smart time to fire someone yeah i'm sure like oh now they have a bunch of lumpy ass like lopsided sad santa's going out there yeah i fire the frosters by the way. Like, you're making cuts.

Fire the frosters because you need, like you don't fire management first and then just have to make it out on that little piece of racist America. If you want to ruin someone's Christmas, go for the lowest level position. Just a quick question. This is more about like how the stakes are just the flimsyest stakes in the world for a movie

because she loses her job, just something to remember later. And this whole thing is going to be about snowboarding later. And she also can't fight a job, which is funny because, you know, the original name on this movie is The Town with No DoorDash. So she wasn't able to find a position, unfortunately in town. DoorDash forgot. Town the dreaded DoorDash.

So I assume that this initially I assumed, okay, it's going to be about like this cookie company is like a family cookie company. They've got to save the cookie company. It has nothing to do with this cookie company. company. This is the one thing that never really they come back to you. Just clots as cookies. They don't even reference them. They're not like we just got some clotsless cookies. It's not like she doesn't go and make a delivery of cookies back to them to help them out to save the company. Like it's nothing. Like that's just she needed to have a job and she needed to lose her job. She needs to be in financial straits. I will say that this guy

walks like he has a butt plug in. Did you guys notice how he was walking? Like, why? So what did they do? There was a lot. There was a lot. There was a lot. There was a of gay stuff in this movie. Like, they had the boss with the butt plug. They had the guys that fucking in the stall in the end. They had the gay brother. It was a lot. Yeah.

Well, we're assuming he was. There were more. There were more. Oh, he's definitely gay. No, that was his partner. Although his partner was about to cheat on him when he followed those two hot snowboarders. But that wasn't it. I think I thought that was too. It was he heard Stephen King.

You missed that. He's a big Stephen King fan. He loves a horror person. Oh. Oh, I didn't get that. How could I have missed that? It was honestly. No, here's the thing.

Here's the thing. I thought what you did, because I said, is he going after those two snowblers? But it was that he heard Stephen King's name. I thought, wow, Netflix is supporting open relationships. Good for them. No, I immediately, I had to correct that, too. Yeah. So she gets fired, which means she has to crawl into her old blue van.

Oh, boy. that like why does she have this one of the least believable things how did she get this van y'all how she needs to be explained where why the van's like an anthropology her house in anthropology everything she wears is a soft you know sweater and yet she's driving fashion well the van actually is really

I mean I know it looked junky but it was actually super cute for like hashtag van life because it like had a full interior of like a living big yeah like she I mean this and this is a problem with this character like she's ready to be homeless from the beginning. She's driving around in a van life van. And it's like, you need to aim higher. You know what I'm So was this the van? And they should have, was this the van from when they were the screaming kittens and this was their band van? Oh, maybe. I think that's the implication. That would have been

really nice to hear. Yeah, that would have been nice to hear. Like if we had like screaming kittens kind of like on the side, but it's like, oh, that's all in love. So much. And can I ask you? Yeah, that's what I assume is her old van, her old band, van, but the thing is, again, her band is from, like, 2010, and, like, teenage girl bands in 2010 are not driving this van. Yeah. Well, you just need something to get your amps, et cetera, to the thing. So, I mean, I think they would drive a junkie van.

So maybe that is what it is. But what about, I mean, we don't have kids, obviously, but people, you know people with kids. Do they keep pictures of them and their kid in their son visor in their car? Who does that gross? It was, I feel like that was just a moment for her to, for us to see. say, I'm doing everything for my daughter. I'm living for my daughter.

But it's just not good to your daughter because you use the sun visor when the sun is burning out your retinas and then you pull down the sun visor and you're like this bitch. It's all too convenient and this is very late 90s because I remember or even mid like in middle

school and high school like everyone if you were dating someone like in high school and you had a car you would put a picture of you and that person in your little, um, this was very big in my hometown of Longgrove. Everybody would have a picture of their loved one. On the visor?

Not in their visor, but in the dashboard. On the dashboard in front of the steering wheel. It's always like, like, on the side. Oh, yeah, I've seen that on like, like, professionals that where it comes where people are like, yeah. So I think this is like that about your kids. But nobody does this anymore.

Well, honestly, though, this was, the biser was about the reveal. This was about the, here's me and my kid. Yeah. It does seem like this person that wrote this movie was in a Kimmy Schmidt bunker for about 15 years and they came out and thought life hadn't changed. Because they probably wrote the script in 1999 and it's been sitting around for 25 years

and they finally just threw it at Netflix. So they arrive at, I was actually very impressed by this. She arrives at her home and it's like a multi-family like sort of apartment building kind of thing. and like it's funny because normally in these movies there's always someone who is poor and broke like oh my god the family business is about to fall we don't have any money and then they like go back to their like

Hobble 1905 Victorian Mansion House This actually did feel like It did feel like it's not government housing But it felt like she would live there It did feel like she would live there It was flop house adjacent with nice with nice with nice Christmas stuff

Like condo-y is like sort of condo-esque. But it was like actually almost too realistic for these types of movies. Because normally they just make it seem like these beautiful towns where everyone lives in a lovely house with like a with an angled roof and like shingles and a chimney and like a front porch. And I was like no, this is a con she lives in an apartment building. Yeah. And so she's walking in and she's walking into this like very gloomy hallway, scary hallway. She's basically left like the set of nomad land and now is like entering into like. That would have been good.

If she just lived in her van and, like, Francis McDormand was her neighbor. And she, like, had to pretend to be Francis. He had to pretend to be Santa so that Francis McDormand didn't freak out every Christmas because her son died. Yes. Yeah. There you go. Or she's like, she's like, I know what I'm going to do to raise the money for my daughter's snowboard camp. I'm going to sell these precious family dishes.

And then David Struthiern comes by and breaks all the dishes by accident. Spoiler alert. Spoiler. Sorry, no med land. Madlancai. So, yes, she's trying to, she walks through and she's creaks, she steps on and there's a creek. And then we meet Dora Lee. Now, what she said, her name was Dora Lee.

I immediately resisted her because that is the name of Dali Parton's character in nine to five. And so my first thought was, how dare you? How dare you? How is this not Dali Pardin? Like, you can't just call somebody Dora Lee in a movie and that. I agree with that. So it took me a minute to be one over, even though it was that actress and I love that actress. I feel like if you call someone Dora Lee, you are immediately telling them, I think this was a misnomer.

I think you're immediately telling us that this person is stupid or this person is, well, because that was Dali Parton's, she was backwards and they think they considered her dumb. And she wasn't. They considered her dumb. So she had to go above her name. and there are, so they're already saddling Dora Lee as this, and she's so much more. I don't think they were thinking about that. They were, though, because this was gay, wasn't it? I mean, this was like gay guys were in.

Your character, they had, like, your character names, is a huge deal. Your character name is really important. They are. There were too many, like, references to beards in this movie that I was like, this has to be written by a game. Yeah, this was a game. Yeah, this was a game. There's like a, there's a lot of her to say.

Ron Oliver. I guess. Yeah. Yeah. So she comes out and she's basically like, you're late with rent again. And she's annoyed and she's like, this fucking twit here thinks I don't know about her stupid band.

I know she's got money. I know she's getting residuals. Her teenage band, her teenage local band from 97 years ago. She says, they release an album. They have a vinyl. One album.

I had to put a new carburetor in my van. And Zoe wants a new snowboard. for Christmas. Like, that's an excuse. But I really felt for the, I really felt for Kaylee or whatever the girl's name is. Zoe. What is that? No, the mom. Oh, Taylor.

Taylor. I felt for Taylor because I used to live in a, when I lived in West Hollywood, my landlord lived right upstairs for me. And that is so fucking annoying. And she had a window that she could see me come out of my apartment. It's like an outdoor building. And so she would always be like, oh, honey, could you maybe be a little quieter down there during And it's like you always had to hear her shit.

And so I felt for her for having her landlord be right there up in her business. I don't need that. Yeah. Could I also say that maybe that we, this is a real trope of the landlord being a bad person of the landlord saying, you know, you're late on the rent again. This is four months. Maybe the first time she was like, hey, Taylor, good to see you. It's the second. it's actually the fifth

and I just didn't get the check yet it's great you know Zoe's looking really really fun that is one of those things you say as you age because you start siding with the people that are supposed to be the villains like you watch rent and when I went to see the movie version of rent I was like

but they're not paying their rent like how are they just trying to abide by the rules of business it's not like Dora and Leah's Scrooge McDuck here like swimming around the pools of gold. She's living in the same thing soon. She also She could have evicted your ass a long time ago. This isn't California. You don't have

squatting rights. Yeah. And by the second, by the second time, she's like, Dorley's like, Taylor, you know, I know money's tight, but just maybe by the sixth or seventh, the check. The third month, she's like, Taylor, I know you've been avoiding me, just giving the money. And now this time is like,

I need the money. Which makes sense by the fourth time. I love a villain that makes sense, you know, because I'm kind of rooting against the I'm like, where's your cooking and I eat? She's the most well-drawn character in the entire piece. They should have had an eviction notice on the door that said to be out of two weeks. That would have also raised the stakes of this movie.

Reality gays and watch what crap in size with landlords. Put it out there. Yes. We love landlords. All right, everybody, that was the first part of our marathon. So buckle up. We've got more coming to you. So be sure to check out the next episode.

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