Watch What Crappens - #3135 My Secret Santa Part Two With Reality Gays

Episode Date: December 26, 2025

This is part 2 of 4We are joined by pod buddies Mattie (@themattmarr) and Poodle (@jakeitorfakeit) of Reality Gays (@realitygayspodcast) for our yearly tradition of trashing a Christmas movie for four hours. This time, the film is My Secret Santa from @netflix. It’s Mrs Doubtfire with only the Doubt. Enjoy part two and check back the next few days for all four episodes! To watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Watcher Crappins ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Hello everybody, welcome to part two of the reality gaze. Watch What Crapins Cross Over. It's part two of a glorious movie. We hope you love it. The eviction notice, I'm surprised there wasn't that there. So anyway, while the landlady is, Dora Lee is being like, where's the money?

All of a sudden we hear a blood curdling's green. Like it is, there's an intruder somewhere, a knife, There was an accident, a knife accident, something terrible. And Zoe is, I'm not Zoe, but Taylor is like, she runs down the hall. And, you know, of course, Darley knows it's all bullshit. She's like, okay, you know what? By the way, this daughter in distress thing, yeah, it's getting kind of old. You can't pull this shit on me.

Yeah, and this tells us what is it actually go down the hall. Like, if we're reading the text of this, what does it tell us that these two are fucking drama queens? And then this girl is always screaming in the apartment. And she's still had a free four months. And this lady is like, listen, I'm. I'm just going to tell you the nicest way I can as far as your excuses. I don't care.

Like she sings it. That's a great line. That was the best. Yeah. So I like that. She actually, she sold. Dialogue might be a little wonky. Someone else, someone else as esteemed as this actress

would not have been able to sell a line like that. But she did it. Yeah. I guarantee it they did not say that she should sing that line. No, complete improv. She made that choice. And it was so good. When she sang that, I was like,

this, not only is this lady so good, so quickly, but like, she also should be on Broadway. Like, please pass her in something. She went in the key of, I don't care. And everyone on set went, oh. We had no idea. Diana Maria Riva. Look at that.

Someone's a groundling. The daughter streaks and she runs in and she says, Are you okay, Zoe? She's like, I got in. I got into Sun Peak Snowboard Academy. Oh, wow. Can't wait until you learn to do brain surgery over there. We can unpack the idea.

By the way, I looked up if there are any snowboarding schools. Turns out most people just take a couple of lessons. So this is where the whole premise falls apart for me of the entire movie. Snowboarding Academy. This is where they're like, we got to bring in the young people to watch this. So let's have a. Snowboarding Academy. It can only be for like four weeks, right?

Because it's at this resort. The resort can't be open for that long. But it's so expensive. Well, Canada, it could be open for fucking six months. But it's set. We're not, we don't know where we are. We don't know where we are. You need to tell me this girl got to be so good at snowboarding that she was able to get in a

snowboard academy. And yet this local academy, she doesn't have, like, why do you even need the academy at this point? You have access to the mountain. How did she get in? How did she get in? How did she, did she do a virtual audition? No, it was an essay. Exactly.

Well, we know how it works now with auditions. It's all on video now. So that's what's even true here. She just had to like be in her living room on that snowboard selling it. Yeah, like how many followers do you have? How many followers do you have? Yeah. It's your audience.

Then so I just want to ask about all of you, though, let's get on Santa's Slay and take a ride to delusion land, if we may. And I want to ask you, because the way this school academy is treated, that this is the Princeton, the Harvard of snowboarding schools, which I don't think exist. So I want to ask all of you, if you get into the sun peak, whatever, snowboarding academy, what changes in your life? Where do you end up? where does it catapult

with a broken ass or a broken back like it does with that girl it's really more about the alumni networking really it's it's all about a hand if you're in if you find yourself in you know if you find yourself in

in Calgary and you're and you are at a party and you're looking for a job and you find it in someone else who's at the academy you're set Sun peak they have like a secret sign yeah it's like a

I just wish I knew her in real life so I could say, listen, your mom already has a homeless van to move into. Could we try nursing? Like, let's give up snowboarding school for a while. The other part of this is, so mom, so the daughter obviously knows they're not in the best of financial places. She just wants to make her mother feel terrible. I think the daughter is one of the villains in this movie. 100%. especially because of her shifting age.

Especially because there's no actual villains in the movie, which is hard from creating. Exactly. Well, she's like that girl who pretended to be a child so that she could get adopted. But then they were like, she was an adult, really. What was her name? Orphan.

Yeah, no, that was the basis of it. But like, what was her name? She was like the Russian girl. Margarine, something Grace. Margo, Natalie Grace. Natalie Grace. Natalie Grace. Yeah, yeah.

So she's really. doing that she's just working against her the whole time because every time the daughter's with her she's nice but then the daughter's behind her back and she's like my fucking lose her mom didn't have a boyfriend has it aggressive to her mom yeah and basically this awful

academy is like congrats you got in and here's how much you'll have to pay to join us because it's all in one letter which is not how welcome letters work and it's like hey so Taylor's like oh my god I'm so proud of you are they going to be doing any SAT prep for you or you're just snowboarding

all day. You are thinking about your future still, right? And she's like, yeah, I got in. This is the most prestigious Snowboard Academy in town. Again, I don't know what the fuck any of this means. Can I also say that she said, oh, that's a lot of zeros. And I wrote down, we're going to see something later on where they ask her how much she costs and she just shows it to them on a phone. And I said, can this woman not determine the relationship

between a numeral and cost? Like, can she not understand Arabic numerals? and how they work, because she can't even say the cost to her brother and his partner. Like, he's like, here, read this. I don't really know either.

I can't understand how much it costs. Look, this movie might be a classic and if they're still showing it in 25 years, we don't want to be embarrassed by this value being depreciated. How much did they... This could be the thing that's embarrassing in the moment. How much did they go out of their way

not to say how much it cost? Yeah, but they said a lot of zeros. So if there's a lot of zeros, at least 10 grand, right? So how much did you make being Santa for two weeks? Like, is that a well-being gig? Well, she got 50% off.

Well, remember, you got half off. So it was probably like a lot of years. So I think it got taken care of. I'm going to say, I'm going to say for this academy, it was $80,000. I'm going to say it's $80,000 a year. Oh, wow. But she says, but she says, I can swing $40,000. I don't think she can swing 10.

I haven't saving up. I haven't even paid. rent for four months, but I can pay half of it. Look, no, you can't. That, I will say, Santa's make a lot of money, because I remember when I worked at the Quill Springs Mall at the clinic

counter in Oklahoma City, that it was a- Girl, Santa was like, you are not sitting over here on my lap again, clinic. Go back. We, I met Santa because they, because they, they, he used the break room

in the Dillards that I worked at. It's got to be so creepy to see someone. to his Santa on break. He's a biker, totally biker guy. He would come and smoke cigarettes and everything. And this was his entire job for the entire year. He worked basically just one month. And in that, he lived on that entire salary for the rest of his youth.

Just to remind you, they just, he didn't, he didn't just have that job at Quail Springs Mall. He did other things because there was only the Quail Springs Santa. It was exclusive because he was a, do you all sometimes doubt? No, this wasn't, malls, at least, I don't know how they're going to be in a truth teller. I'm telling you, the Santa at the Grove, I bet you is not at any other mall. Caruso lock that down. What I'm telling you, he works one month a year. One month a year.

And that's enough for him to ride his back around the country and see his bike friends. I guess I need to be a Santa. Well, I mean, if you lean into my stereotype a little harder here, I can be something. Well, I did, I crunch some numbers just. now. And I was like, okay, the way that they're talking about this Snowboard Academy, I was like, let me find what tuition costs for a comparable experience. So I looked up what the tuition is for Phillips Exeter Academy. And for a... Comparable. Yeah. It's about $70,000, it's just under $70,000 a year for boarding students. And it's about $55,000 for day students. So we're going to

say she would be considered a day student because we see she goes back to her apartment. So we're going to say it's about a $55,000 tuition to go to Snowboarding Academy. So that is, that is quite high, you know. But it's only $25,000 because she works for them. I could not. By the way, we never really said she never ended up claiming Zoe as her daughter as Santa. Yeah. How does that work? How does that work?

Like, we never saw that. We just saw they hired her with no. Just immediately get in there. Background check. Oh, my God. You're right. So the whole point of her getting the job, we never saw how she. You're right.

That's a huge flaw in this movie. That was her daughter. When he goes, Jingle bells, ho, ho, ho, this is my daughter. Yeah. So actually what, so for people who may not have watched this movie, what is about to come out is the revelation

that this tuition is, is incredibly high, especially for an academy that is not going to prepare this girl for college. And she, but you can get a 50% discount if you work at the resort that this academy is linked to... The exposition gaze

who tell us who literally exposition if you're wondering what the hell we're talking about that's what we're talking about here but we're saying that like you have to you can if you work there

your children get the discount but we actually never had a scene where she actually tells the hotel I have a child who is going to your academy. I thought that they actually did a good job when I was watching it. Because at the end, they did explain, like, oh, she did use her social security number. But, and it came up as her real name.

She just used a fake name, but her real social security number. But it's still, I was like, this doesn't make sense. Wouldn't they do a background check? Wouldn't they do this? But they explained why they didn't do it. Ryan Eggold said, don't we need a background check for something like this? And Tia, Maori, went, we don't have the time. We don't have time.

He's a predator or not. With just someone Because maybe she was sitting right on his For a couple of hours You don't need to check up on him That was the craziest thing When she's like The tree lighting is in three hours

We ain't got the time Especially in this day and age Yeah Right Listen we're losing traction to the Santa That's across the way At the Klotz cookie company We can't use any more customers

So So now So Taylor is like I have to make money somehow. Yeah, by way, and really fuck this kid. This kid knows exactly how poor they are. I'm still going to be like, I need to go to Snowboard Academy.

No. It's fine, Mom. I don't have to do that. There is nothing worse than a child with dreams. Hey, yeah. But I'm sorry, Taylor, like, put your foot down a little bit. Like, you know, Taylor was acting like she can't disappoint her child. No, the child's already disappointed.

Exactly. So put your foot down and be like, no, you're going to school, actually. You're not going to snowboarding academy. Or, like, get a part-time job, you know what I mean? Like, work at a pliable. You're 15. Also, we're just like, why aren't kids working these days? Lower that work age.

I've got a five-year-old who made this iPhone and it's the best thing I've ever, you're telling me you can't go mix a smoothie. Those tiny fingers, really. Just get into all those spots. To make all my favorite clothes at Old Navy. Rather than doing something like saying, hey, if you want to go to Snowboarding Academy, that's fine. but you need to get a job too. Instead, she goes and brings her albums to the local record store

because in this like Christmas oriented town, there also happens to be like a cool, trendy record store. A used vinyl store with a guy who really thought he wanted that Jack Black role in high fidelity. He did. That bless his heart. You know, bless his heart. I know if I could have done that.

I just saw her going to that used record store and I was like, you are in a poor mindset. you've got to change your mindset because this is like and this is what you're to save to save christmas is to go sell your old fucking 10 cent record no girl come on get some only fans going i like when her daughter was like are you going to don't sign up for only fans like her daughter is like are you going to do some like only fan shit because that is the modern thing like that was an edit that was an edit that they put in to modernize this because this was written in 2002 because that's what that's what you would do today my nieces when they

were in the, like, still having to go through the school line where you picked them up. My sister was like, this lady in front of me in this big suburban with the kids on the back, you know, the stickers of the kids on the back, the stick figures. Yeah. She was like, she had written on her car, like in the paint, you know how you can paint on the car. Usually seniors do it to be like, just graduated. But she painted her only fans account. And then she had a sticker made of like a QR code to go to her only fans. Stop it.

And all the moms were pissed because, you know, the bads are on the line. going to the only, it's so fucking smart. But, I mean, it's normal that they're doing it in freaking Lakeway, Texas. So, I mean. Oh, you know somebody dead. Like, even like, like, curiosity. I'm sure.

Like, drive Uber, like, drive Uber, do postmates. Like, there's like, the gig economy is real. And she's like, oh, I guess I'm just going to have to get some prosthetics and become a fake Santa Claus. Well, at least I was creative. I'm talking about the record selling. I'm like, there's just so much more. You're just saying you're making an effort without really doing anything.

Also, oh, my, I sold my Eagles album. Also, maybe downsize. Maybe downsize because she's, because look, so the whole thing is that she, this is someone who, she doesn't have a job, she doesn't have any money. And we go into her very spacious apartment. And it is like gorgeous in there. It's like going into a showroom for room and board. And I'm like, uh, no, it is not.

It's not like the gay's apartment. It's crazy. You guys called this a flop house 10 minutes ago. I call it a flop house. No, Jake said that. The outside, the outside looked like a plop house to me. I thought it looked fine on the inside. I didn't think it was crazy nice.

But it's not the kind of apartment you can be like, I'm going to downsize. What are you going to do? You're going to be living in a kid. This should have been a montage of her doing things like selling off, having a yard sale, doing things that would have, well, that made the stakes higher. Judging up to other montage that we see later, the director doesn't actually know what a montage is. But that's another story. I think like what didn't match for me was here, she shows up and she's in her like old blue van because like that's all she can have.

But then her apartment is like very lovely. It's like it's it's like this is not a blue van driving apartment. It's it's like middle of the road. Totally. It's it's not like the gaze apartment. I think the gaze apartment like they've got money. That's like dink money. That's still income no kids.

That's no kids money right. That's what Dink is. I was like, why are we talking about Dinkins? Living that dink life. Well, that makes me feel, it makes me feel sad because I guess I'm Sink. Wait, what's Dink? In so many ways. Single income no kids.

Sink. That's not a thing. I love single income no kids. Yeah. I'm a dink and I love it. Dink. It's a thing. I just live in that Dink life.

Sink life. Sink life. Matt, how is this going to affect sync talk? So she brings her records in. She brings her records in to sell. She's trying to, like, get some money. And then there's this guy who's in this very stylish, like, overcoat or whatever with the collar up. And he's got, like, his stubble.

Joe cool. Joe cool. And he's like, whoa, screaming kittens. Which is, by the way, funny that she's had the screaming kittens. entire time and her own daughter is so disinterested in her mother does and she hasn't even looked at these albums that have been their entire life which would have made sense a few years ago because like who has vinals but now vinals they all have right yeah and they're like fifty dollars by the way so expensive yeah so this whole scene was kind of weird because vinals are back

and you could actually sell those for decent money now but in this show they're like vinals who has those i'll give me 10 cents can i tell you something i bought a um a record player for dom like two years ago and we're like this will be for like for like the holidays and we set it up and it's fun and we got some we went to amoeba I got like a chaday vinyl and I got a flute with Mac vinyl I got all the basic you know vinyl's like this is so fun put it on and like it's like oh how cool listening to vinyl at the house and it's playing and then like after like three songs it's like please turn me over I'm like oh okay I'll just walk over there turn it over and I'm gonna go back to the kitchen now and I'm like oh time for the next album okay it was a simpler time

And I'm like, fuck this shit. You have to go back that record player every five seconds. It takes a lot more work, I will say. You have to be, it's more about dedicated to listening to a certain way. I totally agree with you. But it's like, I love mine. Yeah. Or the phone rings and you're like, stop the music.

And it just keeps playing. Stop the music. And it's like a typical album. And it's like four different, because now, of course, like growing up, you know, song, like an album was catered to. the size of an album like what the actual vinyl could hold but now like it's like here's the vinyl version of my favorite my favorite album is like oh this cost this is like to listen to the whole album got is like three vinals to get through to flip over and oh my god why am i doing

this talks about this in detail in her biography gay fascinating no she talks about how they were how they were so limited on song choices back then because of because of the records and also she talked about the way that the sound mix like the different materials you could use for records and that it produced she went all in this whole detail about it. It's a wonderful biography.

That's really cool. I was going to say it isn't it like almost a thousand? I listen to the audiobook and it's 48 hours but it's 48 hours of your Jewish aunt reading you a story of her life and intermittently ad living full on because I look they're not in the book

basically like every like hour she goes off about some type of food that she loves oh i love that it's great the pastrami at nathan's she should have won the grammy for but jimmy carter died so he won it oh gross always the sympathy award yeah seriously you need to die in order to get a grammy these days true it's time for a commercial it's time for a crappin's commercial So this guy, who we later find out, his name is Matthew. He's like, you're selling the screaming kittens. That's crazy.

These guys are legends. She's like, but why would you like them? They only have one album. They're such losers. You have loser kids. You drain their mom's money. And he's like, no, but look, like, check out this lead singer. She was amazing.

She inspired me to pick up the guitar. I thought he was like, I'd never should have a single guy. Inspired a single guy to pick up guitar to try and get some more free pussy. I'm so proud of myself. I do have to say this whole bio does not track with anything we learn later about him. But more to be said with that later. Well, they do add him playing a guitar randomly later. So like, remember he said he was playing the car?

Also dressed like he just walked out of Jay Crew. Yes. And he's like, yeah, what's an old version of that? Brooks Brothers. Yeah, yeah. Brooks Brothers, yeah. You know, it's funny. Part of me wonders that the actor, was this like one of those actors?

who's like, hey, you know, since we're shooting the scene with, like, guitar, you know, I actually love playing guitar. Totally. Totally. You know? Totally. You know, actors love doing that shit. This was something he volunteered, I act, and sing,

well, I can totally be up there, sing with her. Totally. Yeah. And they're like, well, it wasn't really the plan, but, okay. I mean, they had to, they had to, he's the biggest name in the movie. Yeah, I mean, it's like, I fully believe that a star is born exists as a movie. So at least that way, like, Bradley, what's his face, could, like, cosplay as a rock star because he, like, picked up guitar once.

The studio went fine. Yeah. Make whatever movie you want. Okay, so, um, he's really into that and he recognizes her. And she's like, you know, that was another time. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's a different, it's a different time. So, you know, you wouldn't necessarily recognize someone.

He's an idiot. No, yeah. And he's like, wait but you should do this again and she's like no I can't no I can't he's like wait but you should no I can't and she's like I got to go she runs out since you goes bye but also like but also he's like what happened to your blue hair you fucking idiots 25 years later she changed it up I put it all onto my van it is funny how people don't let people that is true though like I was just watching watching the interview with oh what's her name um um um um um

I hate this. All About the bass girl. Jenny Garth. Oh, Megan Trainor. Megan Trainor. And Megan Trainers, you know, is thin now. And so she was like writing things like, people are writing on my Instagram. And she was like saying, but you were the bass girl.

What happened to that base? And she went, I was 19. I'm 32 now. So there is this ridiculousness. Nope. You got to be one thing. You got to be one thing for the rest of your life. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's funny. No, that's true. Get off my ass. I didn't realize it was that long ago. Also, I don't realize it was that long ago. Jesus. I'm still so fucking terrorized by that song.

That song still comes on. It still pisses me off every time it comes on. Why do you get to get over it if I don't get to get over it? Like, until you stop fucking brain fucking me with that song, you don't get to run away from it. You don't get to be like, it's over now because it's still in my mind, man. No treble. No. And all her songs came out.

2014. Yeah, and all her substance songs are just are just variations of that song. Yeah. You know, everything is pretty much like, I'm hot, I'm hot, about that window, about that window. No doors. You know, her songs are all like, I'm hot, I'm hot.

You can't have me because I'm hot. I'm hot. Oh, yeah, I'm a girl. I'm hot. And then the next one will be like. You think I'm a girl, because I'm singing like a black girl too. Yeah, she's like hot, hot, hot. What's that one?

What's my sign? No. Can I have your number? No. Like, shut up, Megan Traynor. Get off my Amazon. So, um, he's busy. Before she runs out, he does ask you like, we, but like, why did you, like, don't you, like, don't you, like, what about your band? Don't you love being in a band? And she's like, well, you can't be a rock star and a mom at the same time. Like, wow. I'm like, well, tell that to Courtney. Courtney. I literally saw Linda Perry with her kid. I think tall it to pink

I think you get a little bit of her of her complete and utter like just depths of depression here um where also like where is the resentment towards the child I feel I feel like everything about this movie is like she had a dream she was doing something amazing and spectacular

and she had to give literally up everything for this daughter and now this daughter is going to literally force her to do the craziest thing the world just because she wants to go to some stupid snowboard academy and she's like not even mad at the kid and she doesn't seem like she wants to sing she doesn't even seem like she really enjoyed

being a rockster it's like yeah that was a long time ago like even even in the acting in it she's like yep that was a different time fuck all she was forced like whatever it was a bizarre choice and I kind of wish they had made it to where because I mean I do think they put it on the daughter like well you can't be a mom too I had to give them my dreams from my kid

but I wish they had made it like I don't know, like, I never really believed in myself and I never gave myself the chance. I mean, I wish she had like some kind of a turn, you know, because I felt like the subtext was blaming it on the kid. Like, I don't think she ever took a moment of responsibility. Like, wow, I blamed my whole life on my kid and said of me not getting my shit together and still going after it, you know? Like, we had computers since that kid was born. You could have been there on your Ableton Live or whatever, your garage band. Like, come on, man.

Like, what kind of inspiration is this supposed to be exactly? and also it's setting up this implication that like whatever family business has to be saved at the end because it's always a family business she is going to step back into her rock star roots somehow and like tap into her own talent and fame and use her fans to come in and save some sort of business and again spoiler alert that never happened right never is that she sings like you know a Christmas song at the end and that like has and it has nothing to do with moving the story forward or backwards and it's not the kind of music she did before It is total like Run Run Rudolph, which is a rock kind of blues song. It was like a- Sorry, they should have talked about in the thing. I loved that Christmas album or something that your rock band did. And then she sang with Lusky's Christmas song at the end. There you go. That's not fucking Run Run Run Run, Rudolf.

Run, run, Rudolph, which is like the only people who like those Run Run Run Run Rudolph are like boomers who are. I was going to wear 65. Run Run Run. Rudolf is a MAGA Christmas song. No one likes that song. No one likes Run, Run, Rudolph. I'm sorry. Well, you have a MAGAS song now and Rudolph is an immigrant.

Yeah. Run. It's a warning. It's a warning. No support Rudolph. Yeah, we're taking it over it. But yeah, I would have liked some like punk Christmas. Or a punk version.

Knock up, that was what I thought I was going to get. I totally agree. I actually think that's like a. legitimate note. This was not a snarky note because we're recapping. I'm like legitimately it should have been like the like the screeno version.

Like that sounded like a fucking clash. And it should have been like the whole time whenever that bandit gets up there and plays like to sort of their safe like you know dad rock music that she's like oh this is awful. I can't listen to this. And then finally she gets up there and she's like let me show you how you really do.

It's like, Jingle about, jig out of the way. You know and like and like crazy. also y'all i hate to tell everyone we're going to spoil us that was not her voice it wasn't she decided why didn't they find a real punk kind of voice to do it because even even that she's like it was a rock voice well they asked her to sing

and she said, no, I'm too scared. And so they hired someone to, now he's saying, he sang that. You could tell it was him. Yeah, he's kind of good. And he played guitar. And at the end, she said, do you notice her bad guitar playing?

Oh, yeah, I did notice that. I knew how to play the guitar, but it was so cold. My hand, I just kind of kept my hands the same place. So did you read like an article about this? Yes. Like, how did you find this out?

You know how it came up? fucking Facebook or something like that because I just talking about this movie. It's like Alexander Breckinridge talks about the movie because, you know, they hear everything. And it said she did not think that's on. That's definitely a Facebook post. Yes. Oh, so this is real, this is real tea. I am spilling tea on the

BTS. You're spilling hot cocoa. Rock and Rudolph. I'm spilling caught cocoa, the H.C. Yeah. Well, funny that you mention that because. We can talk about cocoa. So he chases her outside and he's like, well, I haven't been in this town for years. Should I go after her? Don't fuck up this line. How many times do you think this guy said, I think so wrong?

Because he was high. Like he went, yeah, go. And they're like, cut. The line is, I think so. Go follow her. I think it's a lot. Yeah, so he had to run out after her. And he's like, whoa, whoa, screaming kittens.

Let's get the band back together. She's like, yeah, I'm a mom. So my dreams are dead. So you want to get some hot chocolate? this guy's not asked for hot chocolate just being like where can I get some whiskey and some coke I'm a party boy

we have to stop this bullshit of hot chocolate for everything it makes everything feels so chaste and it's just it's ridiculous they're gonna fuck later I love hot chocolate

I love hot chocolate but at the very least he's saying what about some like some Irish rum hot butter or like whiskey eggnog spiked or like some heroin I mean, the whole hot chocolate thing, like in 2025, at least half of the population is lactose intolerant.

Yeah. I mean, you're basically asking somebody to a farty party. You know, like, why are you asking, why are you inviting farts before we've even dated? The whole idea of this guy who is a complete bad boy wondering where he can find some hot chocolate. Yeah. He would say, where can I score in this town? Where can I get some coke? Hey, screaming kitten, where's the good code?

I mean, she's from a punk band. I think you're right. Yeah. And here's a note that I have for the story, which is that we find out in like a subsequent scene that he is like, he's like a true, he's like a full like Brandon Davis disaster.

Total Brandon Davis. And he is like. He's like a disaster and like he needs to get his act together. What I wish that I truly wish this movie had shown us that. And like when we first meet him, he is a disaster and he's like brash and cocky and disgust. thing and he is like maybe drunk or whatever it is. And then we see him get his shit together because of her.

Because when we meet him, he's actually like, like you said, like he's Brooks brothers and pretty like on top of shit. He's just like a guy who like works a finance job somewhere. And then in that next scene we're like, oh, you're a fuck up. Oh, you're like a normal, like a normal charming guy. And then he goes, his, his pickup line is, hey, we can, we can debate guitar solos and talk about our favorite Christmas songs, which is so. almost like we're this is not even

Hallmark movie this is like great American country or like or that's how Christian this is like it's nuts that kind of dialogue this is not a guy who goes to Europe and like bangs prostitutes in Rome and like does like Coke off the dashboard

this is not someone who's killed four hookers and sank their bodies in the Mediterranean oh no this is like it's like you meet this guy in the Santropay or wherever and And it's like, oh, my God, yeah, well, you doing you bad boys. Like, hey, want to talk about our favorite books? Exactly.

I talk about our favorite Christmas songs. What the fuck? Yeah. So she's like, does this work for you? Wait, what did she say that? I don't know. So she's like, my life is the balancing act. And I'm just not dating it right now.

I'm not dating. Yeah. And he's like, oh, yeah, it's just two people having hot chocolate. Not a date. That's going to come back later. She's like, well, there's a bistro at the end of the block. there is not a bistro in that town there's a subway sandwich

and they don't have hot chocolate over there And it's Christmas Yeah so even though this is the only hot guy in town That she's probably seen in like three years Right she's like I can't do this I can't That was weird though right that there were no other hot guys in town There was no usually in these you get other cute guys Nothing the other thing is it's not it's never really explained

why we find out later that she she got pregnant in school, dropped out, never really, it's not really clear if she ever dated again. No. After that, she was busy.

But the idea that she is completely, like, she's so soured on dating or relationships, we don't, it comes from nowhere. There's no story about how her, she only says that the guy, her father,

of her kid just left and that's all it wasn't that it made me sad or she just left and like i just closed the shop that's it one he became a rock star right wasn't it that he be he wanted to be a rock star or something he started faith no more yeah yeah you wanted to be well but you can't have it i think you went off and found the life of music well in the i wish this movie if i again if i had written it Well, we would have done a lot of things differently. But I would have actually... A lot more gay sex. Well, the B story would have been...

Because there wasn't really a B story, hardly at all in this movie, like a little bit with the neighbor wanting to fucks old Santa's. But I would have had the B story as she broke up from her band. She misses the band members. And Tia Maui is one of the fucking band members because she actually sings.

They actually used to be the girl group. That would have been good. And then she was trying to trick. her the whole time. Where do I know this girl from? Yes, and then it would have made them like, whatever. And in my mind, with the daughter at the end,

with the other daughter in the hospital roller. That would have made more sense. Like, oh my God, you got through to my daughter. Now we can be friends. But then, like, the entire time I'm watching this and I'm thinking to myself, okay, so they're setting up something where she's like a punk singer,

but she doesn't want to get on stage anymore. So she's going to sing later on as a punker. But also this is supposed to be some, like a Mrs. Doubtfire Santa movie. How is this all going to be? come together. Cut to a man in a wolf mask.

Oh! So we have our horror gaze. This is what I'm going to say about this. I know gays like this. That's me too. Yeah. Horror gays. I know a horror gays.

I don't know anyone was a scanner of a face in their home, though. No, that was crazy. Yeah. But that was crazy. But I do want to say this. They were probably the most believable thing in this movie, and that we all three just, four, just said we know gays like this. but also I appreciate that they

because I'm going to say this and I can say this because I'm not a beautiful buff gay man but horror gays look like these two guys. They don't look like what's Hollywood guys. So I enjoy that they use like real gay people in real. This was

representation. Neither one of them I think it was written by a gay person because this is like horror gays are a niche but we all know them and it's like Disney gays, horror gays, Pokemon gays and I think that like this is like oh this is like oh yeah those are a whole other thing this is like this felt very real right here yeah they did at one point I do wish Harvey Firestein the older brother isn't he is not he could never he got never and I'm maybe maybe it was good that they didn't go all gay menstrualcy

on us, maybe that's progress, but at least they could have been funnier. But they were real. Well, you know, honestly, most gays could be. Like, I think a lot of, a lot of gays, we just, we expect a lot out of each other. I totally agree. You should be funny. I've been on dates with people where I'm like, how are you gay? You know, then I have to leave.

And I'm like, well, that's not fair. You know, not everybody can be like crushingly sarcastic. Whatever. I honestly, I honestly. think they do. I think that's you're like that is the least we could ask for as a community. We're overachievers. Now that our rights are being taken away again, you've got to get funny.

I know. How are you going to stand out? There's too many if we're accepted by everyone, you can be boring. I think you're right because a lot of gay humor comes from being bullied and like having to come up with a humor to defend yourself or become acceptable. And when gay acceptance came in we got a lot of really boring gays i mean i'm sorry there are a lot of us out it's the catch 22 boring as hell all they do is work out and talk about protein and fuck on grinder

and that's like all they do and all they know and it's sad you know so maybe you're right we need a little pain back have you been on a date with someone this is i i recently did it no matt knows me too well he's like yeah uh no i'm just saying i went on i don't date someone who was who was i'm i'm i'm i'm 48 years old and i went on a date with someone who was 29 um it was like i was speaking swahili yeah and he was and it was it wasn't that it it wasn't that he wasn't funny but it was a different kind of sarcasm and i would throw something really sarcastic about he's like oh that's kind he's like oh that's that's rough and I'm like, girl, I haven't even given you the rough shit.

Yeah, that was like, Z's throwing a... Gen Z is earnest. Gen Z is earnest, and they also do the Gen Z stare. And so, like, that's very hard. I have to imagine. That's this. Very difficult. Where they don't, they actually don't know how to say thank you.

Yeah. And so, it's like they, it's like a thing where the, like, Gen Zers, because of like, COVID or something did not, were like, not socialized in the same thing. Or staring at their computer screens or something like that. Did you also make... Did you make a lot of side-fold references in them like you do on the pod? I did not make Seinfeld references like I do on the pod.

Okay. Yes, I talk about Seinfeld a lot because there were episodes that come back and certain things. The problem that you keep saying, everyone knows about Seinfeld. And I'm like, no, they don't. Yeah, no, they don't. And we do that too a lot. You know, on our show we reference big business, I think every other episode or like Softish or, you know, things that are just, they were our teenage years. But obviously, people who are newer to the world and our show are going to know what

fuck we're doing we're the what we have reviews that are like what the fuck are these two queens talking about yeah what are they even so I don't know I don't know that I could even date younger commercials here comes one right now um what are we talking about here also like these gay gay hot chocolate uh this is so they're living she says I've got two interviews but I need money because Zoe has this snowboarding school. And he's like, what are older brothers for? I can lend you some cash. He's like, hold on, let me show you on this phone, the money amount.

Because I can't, you know me, I can't read numerals. So here you go. It's this much. And instead of him saying, listen, as your older brother, look, I know about wasting money. Look at this entire apartment. But I'm also a dink, okay? And I have to say, like, now it's time to tell your daughter she can't have anything in life. It's time to draw a line.

I thought you were going to say something totally different. Like, I waste money on stupid shit. I'm going to help you. But you're like, nope, tell your daughter. She's fucked. You're like, we bought tickets. We bought tickets to Ariana Grande three weeks ago. And I spent $10,000.

We will not support this snowboarding school. Exactly. We will not. We're going to Turks and Kekos app. after what happened to gunkles what the hell i know he's like wait hold off on that though because there's 50% off for employees and she's like oh my god i can i can good at exposition yeah yeah yeah so she's like but here's the thing though i don't work for sun peaks and you know they're like this fucking girl why do we have to spell it every single thing for her go up there and get

a job bitch oh gosh so now we get the first scene in the hotel which i loved because it was very west wing. They're like walking really fast through a hallway. They are. What do we got to get going? Christmas is coming. Got to get a Santa. Hey, get the little wits on the pillows, all right? We're going. Very sorking. There was so much exposition in like two minutes of what we needed.

Make sure at least two of the four elevators do not work. This is a pricey hotel. We don't want people getting too comfortable. It was battered up with our GM ran off with that Latvian ski instructor. Esoteric reference. I got to say, props, you know, because she's a child star and you see it. Tia carries this off and actually gave her nothing to do. Absolutely nothing.

She does look like her life is empty and all she can cling on to are small wins in the office. Yes. And she, like I feel like there's someone specifically who like Ryan and I have worked with in the past and I see her in this person. And I'm like, oh my God. Jake, I promise that's not you. It's not you. I promise we don't text about it at all. It's just someone that we're working with currently right the second.

I thought she really pulled it off too. She had a lot of pathos. Like you could always see her thinking and always see her piss. And they didn't really write her as huge of a villain as they could have. Yeah. So this person's like, oh my God, wait, urgent talk. I've got to be on my cell phone. Santa quit.

Oh my God. They ran off with a Latin ski instructor. Fix it. Fix it. I'm like, how about you get freaking Jimmy and say, guess what, Jim, you got a promotion. You're Santa now and you can put some, find some, find some dink around the alley to be the else.

I don't think he could pass the background check though. I know. Jimmy's got confused in some situations and Lenny's somebody. Jimmy, yeah, Jimmy, I don't, there's something weird and off about Jimmy. I don't even think, I think he's only working at the hotel because he's not allowed near a school. It is, it's true.

He is very Lenny of Misenmen, uh, ish, yeah. Yeah, but the hotel is a school. Did you forget Snowboard Academy? It's a school for snowboarding. Mm-hmm. Yeah, naturally. And Tia is saying, she's like, I would like to talk about the manager position. He's like, hold off, we're speedwalking through a hotel, okay?

We do got to talk about it to my son. I will say the dad is the, I think, the worst actor in the still. Oh, my God. Now, the dad does deliver dialogue. you can you can you can you can tell that the dialogue is bad when the dad delivers it and there's one line we're going to cover in just a little bit that's i laughed out loud and the woman stared at me in the plane seat next because i was like a loud cackle she's went um um but we'll talk about that so she the dad says um i we have a christmas party to plan a concert to arrange in less than 72 hours of tree lining ceremony shouldn't this have been planned land in October. Like, why are we doing this now? All right, once we get Christmas done, let's get going on Patriarchy 2026.

All right. You're a woman. You'll never get a raise. You write that down. Did you write a name? Okay, very good. I wasn't really sure what the, I wasn't really sure what the sequence of events was for this hotel.

So they're going to have some sort of tree lighting ceremony and then there's going to be a concert and then there's going to be another tree lighting. It was just sort of like the same. And there's like a lot of concern for like, let's be honest, only like 30 people showed up to any of these events. And it was just like, there's a lot of my busiest time of the year. And dad's like, I'm going to make sure this is just, this better be done the best possible way it could. I'm really counting on you guys. So I'm going to go off on a business trip for a couple of days.

At the most important time of the year. The business trip didn't even make sense because he's like, well, I'll be back in time for the for the tree lighting. So in my mind, I'm thinking, okay, the climax of the tree lighting, because dad's going to be away and everything's going to be crazy. And he's come back and be like, what happened? But then he's back like the next scene. I was like, oh, why did we have to learn about him going to New York? Why did he have to go to New York?

It's too convenient. There were so many things that, like, I'm working on a project now, and I'll write something and a producer friend will say, yeah, that's, we just need that, but it can't be the first choice, the most convenient thing. And I'm like, no one did that in this script. There were no, there's no story editor. No.

There was no one saying no. So Taylor goes up to the front desk. And for some reason, she's like asking like the bellhop, like, please tell me you've got some positions open. Please, here's my file. I just work here. Yeah. Why are you asking the front desk guy? She's asking some 16 year old at the front desk.

He's like, I don't think we have anything. Surely you do. I can do anything. I can clean toilets. I can give a blow job. Just show me who to blow. And he's like, I'm sorry.

I've actually got to check someone in. I'll even clean the men's bathroom. Yeah. And because it's 2025, here, let me give you a manila folder with my resume and all the papers of what my background is. You certainly don't need an electronic version of this, right? It was written in 2002. So then Natasha comes around and she passes right by her, as you normally do, you know, when you're working. In earshot.

You walk right. all the customers at the front desk. And you're like, we need someone desperately. It pays $2,000 a week. Get me a Santa right now. Yeah, I'm right. I'm right in checking. And one of the old hotel guests goes,

darling, get me a spritzer. So she goes, so then Taylor's like, oh, excuse me, hi, I overheard. Did you say there are jobs available? Because your fucking ballet says a different story. It's like, yeah, no. Well, there are no jobs available unless you're an old white man who can play Santa Claus

are also probably just an old white man because honestly, let's say the system's rigged against everyone else, right? Yeah, but let me just have to do a flyer for it anyway. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. In case you know any old white men in town. That's literally all there are in this town.

So did we already find out that Matthew is the kid of the dad? He said, yes. He has said, good to see you too, dad. And dad says with quite path, with so much pathos, Matthew, what a surprise. Yeah. So he's like, all right, let's go over some damage costs. And the secretary is there.

And he's like, okay, well, we've got a damage to a rental. We've got statues that have been knocked over, caffeine sidewalks. Those are six years. I mean, we've got over $90 million worth of damage that your son did in Italy. We're talking millions of dollars. We're talking millions of dollars. And I thought, wait, is he this way? Is he so nice?

And I don't believe he would do this because he actually is the incredible. Hulk and just like transformed in Italy like it's I don't see it with this guy yeah there was like in my mind I was like was this a drunk driving incident it had to be because later says he's like Matthew the Italian cops are looking for so is he hiding from the international police in this town also by the way this movie would have been so much better if there were two Italian cops with bad Italian accents chasing him the entire time and I'm here to see what Like those two people from the chipmunk movie, you know, they're just like, oh, where are we going to get to them?

I was with you and I was like, what did he do, go the wrong way and crash on a street and go crash into a bunch of stuff? He was cooked out of his mind with a dead hooker in the car. So because I'm only in Texas part time, I haven't been here for six months. So I had this huge stack of mail to go through today. Well, I mean, I've had it for a month. Sounds exciting. I've gone through it.

So I'm finally going through it to pay bills or whatever because, it's the end of the year. And look what I got. Two tickets. I got two things in the mail. And I was like, what the fuck are these? They are from Vatican City. I guess I just put my address up there.

Please don't come to my house. They're from Vatican City. And I was like, from Vatican fucking City. They are tickets from Vatican City. And let me tell you when I say I did nothing wrong in this goddamn city. Is this on your Vesma? Yes, because I was driving that Vespa around Vatican City because that's how I went sightseeing. and I got tickets for all sorts of shit

going into a place I'm not supposed to go into they got cameras everywhere so after getting these I was like well maybe Matthew really didn't do anything wrong maybe there's just too many rules all I did was just drive my Vespa through gated security and try to get to the Pope I mean I don't see what was wrong with me

I wanted to give him a chocolate revolver I should be able to go there how do they even prosecute these tickets can they even enforce them in any way don't pay it not but if I ever go back and get on a scooter there again, which would be nice. And what if I get pulled over? They'll be like, oh, Palitia, Panitia, how much are they?

They're expensive. One's, well, I don't know how to do the conversion, but one of them is 140. What is it there? Oh, my God. That's like $200. And one is $89. So these are very expensive. When it used to be Lira, you would say, that's $800,000,000, because Lira were literally

like $10,000. of a penny. Don't put like, Jake, don't take, don't take cheap shots on Italian currency, okay?

Not nice. They've gone too far. Drawing the line, okay? I like the idea of like the Vatican City of your art. And especially being the Vatican City, I'm like, do you know what you guys have gotten away with?

And you're right. They don't need money. Honestly, getting a ticket from the Vatican City is hilarious. It's like not just Rome. It's like the Vatican City. Like there's someone like, Ham, it's not right with the Vatican City.

He's like going through record. She's like, well, well, it looks like the Vatican is going to close down. Wait a second. There's some of America who isn't being yet. There's still some outstanding team. Yeah, for entering in Art Law 7.9 and 4 in the built-in-up area, entered pedestrian restricted traffic area. Wow.

That is now 197. Did they scan your license plate or something? Is that what happened? Yeah, they scanned the license plate, and I was registered with my driver's license. Like when you rent a car. Anyway, I don't need to make it all about this. But fuck these people.

No, he drove into a location where if you're not doing this with your hand, you get a ticket. Oh, come on, man. There was no wheel of... He didn't need the one piece of bus that the whole time he was here. They weren't carrying a wheel of Parmesan in the car. Yes. Okay, everybody. Thank you so much.

That wraps up part two of our Christmas crossover. Bye. Watch What Crapins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King. It's always a party on Allison Block. Our way is the Amber Way. It's the Foster and the Furious. It's Amanda Foster.

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