Watch What Crappens - #3137 My Secret Santa Part Four With Reality Gays

Episode Date: December 30, 2025

This is the fourth and last episode of our epic crossover! We are joined by pod buddies Mattie (@themattmarr) and Poodle (@jakeitorfakeit) of Reality Gays (@realitygayspodcast) for our yearly tradition of trashing a Christmas movie for four hours. This time, the film is My Secret Santa from @netflix. It’s Mrs Doubtfire with only the Doubt. Enjoy this final episode! To watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Watcher Crappins ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Hello and welcome to the epic conclusion of the reality gaze watch our crappins crossover experience as we recap my secret Santa on Netflix and now without any further ado the last part of our epic recap. So guess what this stuttering girl singing jingle bells it goes viral because apparently the internet is having a slow week. I'm telling you We find out that the top search The top search on Google that week was Stop my fucking kid from stuttering

And now she's just gone viral So everyone if your kid stutters Sing jingle bells at their face And that's all you have to do It's going to cure it immediately By the way, I am taking these little voice lozenges I don't know where this is going I think I accidentally just took a gummy

So I got about 30 minutes here, y'all. Oh, that's a boy. Wow. Great. So it's, actually. So now the dad is like, the dad's excited. It sounds like, whoa, looks like we're back on track. We are Santa.

We went viral. So tell Santa that Santa is going to be our guest of honor at the Christmas party. And it's going to be amazing. Yeah. It's usually. What could go wrong? Yeah. So then, Natasha comes up with an idea.

She's like, wait a minute. There is. something fishy why does why does Matt want to fuck Santa I'm going on Grindr Of course she's got a glass of wine with her That's that's that's the that's even more You know what bothered me the most

I think when she set The wine on the table I think the wine glass was plastic Oh I noticed that actually Oh I hate drinking wine out of a plastic cup I hate it But that's her life though

Yeah the thing is that She'd been divorced she got screwed out of like a settlement he hasn't paid his child support and she's trying to just get that promotion and she's got these plastic wine cups and then she's got this she hears about someone in town complaining about the cost of snow academy she's like i can't even get my glass wine glasses this this is the third time this week i've worn this business suit so this is the first i sleep in this office this is the first time we see her start to try to use google and it's hilarious it becomes a running joke for me in the movie so she's like i'm going to look something up on this person but i don't

know how and then we leave to the next scene and uh santa's going viral it's crazy everybody's excited the news is all a buzz they're interviewing matthew about it they're like you heard it here first the crowds love them and matthew's like and i love him too and there's something when i look at his eyes i just want to fuck him if his biggest i know it's a man he's hill is that he's nervous to talk in front of people wouldn't he be nervous to talk on the news What he is, suddenly has no problem with, he went to Toastmasters. That was said to Toastmasters. I've been to Toastmasters.

It's great. My friend went to, was like doing Toastmasters and I was visiting her in D.C. And she's like, hey, just so you know, tonight I've got to go to Toastmasters. So do you want to come? And so I went to Toastmasters. And they made me the Marshall. For that night, I was like the Marshall at Arms, which meant that I had to close the door when Toastmasters started. Oh.

Wow. That's a good one. It was great story. And then they, guess what? I learned how to that fire. And then everyone took off their clothes and had a big orgy. And then gave speech in the movie hair. And you were in the middle of a buckcake.

Well, when they said to do me, I knew what they were saying. So then Zoe is, of course, like totally ungrateful. She's like, mother, why didn't you tell me about the screaming kittens? There's a little thing called the internet. Why the secret? Of course I knew. She's like, I don't care. you can look it up on happening.

That's fine. But it's my past. She goes, oh, really? Like my dad? Um, fuck you. Do you understand what I'm going through to get you through snowboarding school?

What are you coming for me for? I just put you in snowboarding school. And now you're coming to me about some 15 year old drama with some loser in a bar. That was the cheapest shot. To be honest. Yeah. And I actually saved you by never introducing you to your dad. This man told me that he was the cousin of Richard Greco and I believed him and I had sex

to them and that's how you came around. Richard Greco was the hottest thing in like 1994 until he wasn't. I mean, that's just how it goes though. Yeah. Isn't that how God, Richard Greco? I'm going to look him up. It's not great. It's not good now.

It's not good. Ronnie, I'm telling you now. It's not good. It's not great. Bless his heart. Yeah, you're not. The hairline wasn't kind. Look, neither was the mess.

Aging. My God. Aging happens, but yeah, this is not. It's not the aging. It's the, it's, I think there was some kind of substance abuse. Yeah, it looks like, it looks sad. Yeah. Yeah, it looks sad.

Well, this was fun. All right, everybody. Thanks for coming with us for Christmas. Devastated. I don't know. I'm sorry. I don't know why I brought Richard Grecoe go into this, but now the Christmas spirit is definitely gone now. Yeah, it's gone now.

So now Matt sits in Santa's chair, which, excuse the fuck out of you. Like, what is this guy doing? He's sitting in Santa's chair in the middle of the night. It's not even during Christmas hours. He's got a boner. So Taylor also comes in and she's like, what are you doing here? I don't know. None of this makes sense.

I'm telling you. So she's like, what are you doing here? Santa doesn't start until noon tomorrow. Yeah, then what are you doing here? Why is everybody trying to fuck somebody in Santa's chair? Well, I don't know. No, it's not good. Because that's a story.

Don't go there. And Taylor says, you know, back to the Klamy counter. He's like, yeah. Oh, boy. At the Kual Valley Mall.

What's it called again? Quails Mall. Well, spring, small. Oh, sorry. It's interchangeable. It's interchangeable. Named after Dan Quail. Yes.

Of course. They're like, we have hereby renamed Little Creek Mall. The Quail. Oh, I remember. We brought Maryland here. It was a big day at Quill's

brings while when the Dillard's showed up. It was like literally like a movie like everyone's saying. The Dillard family. The Dillards are coming. The Dillards are coming. Oh, God, when the Dillards came. It's a big deal, nice. Big deal.

Okay, so they flirt while he's in the Santa Seed. You know where I can get a good hot chocolate, meaning you did. Drop the hot chocolate shit. And so they get a drink walking in town. This is where we find out. He's like, so it's always been you and Zoe. That's where she said, just kind of. says it's almost like between sips.

She's like, well, I got pregnant in college and had to drop out of school. And then the baby daddy left town and I never saw him again. This is really milky, you know? It's not the cheap stuff. Yeah. It's like, and then he trauma dumps on her

and says, yeah, my mom died when I was 15, didn't handle it well, got into trouble. And she's like, but you were grieving. I wanted to rebel and discover the world. and she's like and now you're riding the place so why is she so rosy with this guy but she's so like life sucks kids that's what it is

it's called compartmentalization right okay ah we do know I think to the people that she loves she loves and everyone else she hates you know she loves this guy they've got like some kind of chemistry because they're both miserable at heart right there we go so cute so then we go back

we go back to Natasha who's still trying to Google. And she Googles Hugh Man, nothing, which is hilarious. An image search doesn't work either. I love how many Hugh Manns there are, though, because she's like, oh, my God, there's hundreds of Hugh Manns with Facebook profiles. Yeah. And then she does a Google image search of her dress to Santa.

So Santa's come up. She's like, wait a minute. This is unfair. My favorite part, yeah, as she's later Googling, because she Googles for a while, I mean, happenings, whatever they would call it. Happening, yeah. I love that, like, her first instinct is not to look up the social security

number that she actually has access to. She's like, let me look up this name. Hugh Mann. You're a lawyer. You can do a LexisNexis search really easily. Also, y'all, they have an address. They have an address where

this guy's check goes to. Yes, I think there's direct deposit. What is the name on the checking account? It is so obvious. You can't just put a social security number with the wrong name anyway. No of this makes any sense. Right.

None of it. That's what I'm saying. The whole premise falls apart. Well, you know what else falls? Taylor, when she's skiing. Because now they're skiing because they're dating. And now this is so dumb. Hey, you're getting so much better.

I never would have thought you had a pregnancy that ended your time at Overland. This is great. Here's the thing. This is such a fucking red herring because it doesn't need to happen. We never mentioned skiing before. We've mentioned snowboarding. But it's just. just like this is five minutes we didn't need and they need to have like a date they need to like build their actual like relationship there we need to do a record date we need to do a guitar date or we do a sing date because that's going to pay off later this doesn't it just keeps going because now we get to see matt play in a band somehow he's in a band and um she's like oh my god i had no idea you were so good and she pulls out the unicorn lip gloss and he's like wait a minute wait a minute wait

Murder. Wait a second. We never see it again. Both people I want to fuck in this town using the same lip box. He literally goes, that's a popular brand. Like he like gives her this use and she goes, yep. And she doesn't even think like, I'll put this away.

She's like, uh-huh, uh-huh. And he's like, okay. Never talked about again. Also, I want to say this. Again, evidence of, I agree that this was written by a gay man. A straight man is never going to notice what type of fucking lip balm a woman is putting on her face. Never.

Ever. ever ever but that's why they made a unicorn lip bomb and they even gave it a little unicorn head and he picked it up off the floor the last time and looked at it and kept it he pocketed it so yeah he did keep it i think he see it's like pulling a jack in the box out of your her you know she doesn't even actually know why because the first time she doesn't realize that she lost it but also like why is she using such like a like a like lip bomb that's like sold at claire's boutique like what yeah it's like your well especially when she gave up like all joy like childhood joy years ago when she got pregnant.

Yes. But I also love that like this does not connect any dots for him whatsoever. Not now, not later. It's just like a thing that happens. Or he should have pulled it out of his pocket because he kept it and been like, wait, see, I found this. You had this. You know,

this moment is interrupted. You know what? You know what? When he saw the two men fucking in the bathroom, maybe he should have seen the unicorn lip bomb on the floor. Or something like that. I don't know.

Well, either way, this moment is interrupted because the guy on stage is like, hey, everyone, I want to give a shout up because he had already, he told his friend on stage. He goes, his friend who all of a sudden he knows when this guy's like this guy's like this super famous billionaire who's like traveling around. But now he was like friends with the head of this like band, whatever. This guy who had like a piercing by the which I thought was very provocative for a Christmas movie. This guy had like a nose piercing. I was like, wow. Oh. In a holiday movie?

That's not scandalize people too much. Guys, when did we take the Christ out of Christmas? Carry on. So he's like, hey, I want to give a shout out from the band, screaming kittens. It's Taylor coming up and do a song, Taylor. And they're like, come on, you got to do it. It's vertical horizon. Sing with him.

It's the collab. I know the whole town's like, oh my God, yes. It's Taylor from Screaming Kittens. Screaming Katton. She's like, what? No, you don't understand. And, and she runs out like Cinderella, but she leaves her lip gloss behind. She is very careless with her lip gloss.

I mean, you know what? Maybe that's where the rent money is going. All this stuff she's leaving behind. We see how terrible she is with money management. She buys more lip bombs and poodle, and that's saying something because he loses a lot of lip balm. Guys, by the way, my lips are so smooth right now. Oh, that's great. Three hours later, I've exfoliated the fuck out of his lips.

They're definitely plumber. Well, Matthew goes running out. And he's like, sorry, people were excited. excited they actually care whatever she's like no no don't worry i'm just traumatized he's like look but it's it's right it's like riding a bike she goes what being traumatized or like singing both she's like no no no anal no no it was my dream was my dream was my life had to give it up when i had that wretched child bills had to take a crappy job putting santa faces on sanas to put food on the table you just don't get it and it's not your fault he's like i understand person and a

rug. Can you let me understand? I'd rather be with you and no one but you. You're never going to say a person like me. It's like, I know I don't get being poor, but can you let me try? We can roast some weaners over a trash fire. I can put, I can put dirt on my face. I don't know. We can hop train cars together. Exactly. I can put beans and we can eat them on of fire. We could steal a sheet from room 205 and use it for our bindles. Exactly.

And carry around like at hobos. It's like, no, you're on the rentals together. Yeah. You don't understand. I was into music, but then I had child and then I just had bills. Bills, bills.

Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automobile? Pay me automobile bills. I'm sorry. I just can't see. anymore because of the trauma. Because of the trauma. Then she says,

I don't think I can do this again. You mean the time? I assume she's been celibate since she had a daughter. That's what she makes it sound. Yeah. Yeah. And so she's like, if she's like, we had to understand her

having bad relationships with men. We've had, we've known none of them. If we met like four ex-boyfriends in the town, we would get it. Like, oh, she's just really bad at relationships. But no, it's only one. Well, I'm sorry, but I'm sorry to leave this romantic date in a very brightly lit restaurant with dorm room furniture, but I have to go now. So now, meanwhile, back at Natasha's land, she's still, she's still Googling, and guess what?

She found something. It turns out the social security number belongs to someone named Taylor. Who's that? Aha. I figured it out. Taylor, a lot. Latte boy. Taylor Dane.

Coffee. Brings me joy. Sorry, deep musical theater, nerd Joe. Really not that deep, but, uh, Brony, you know that song, don't you? It's this awful thing that people use, musical theater girls used to sing. I think it's deeper than you think.

I think only musical Taylor the Latte boy. No, what is that? Oh, God. What's it from? It was, it's a stand-along song, standalone song called Christian Chinovitz made it really popular. And then every girl wanted to sing in an audition. It was like, there's a guy who, I works at Starbucks,

and it's very inspirational, and he's very inspirational. Taylor the Latte Boy brings me Java, brings me joy. Taylor the Latte boy, I love him, I love him, I love him. It was during that time when a musical theater was like, you kind of had to speak it, and everything was like new, and then you had a big note, and everything is great, because I'm still demure and a girl. Oh, God.

And I want to throw myself down a fly of stairs when I hear it. But keep going. I'm sorry. I didn't know that was going to get so gay and I apologize. Well, you need to move on. No, no. I loved it. I love it.

Yeah, Theta. Yeah. So back at the apartment building, a door lead knocks on the door. And she's like, so. Taylor, you didn't tell me. Her dad is Santa from the viral video on the internet. And no, he's not real, but he's good enough for me.

I'm not picky. Okay, Mama horny. Yeah, give me some of your daddy. And I'm dead. Some gifts and shove him on my tree, honey. I've got, string me off, sound, string me off, bitch. I've got doxy Taylor. It's going to be a good Christmas.

And a fresh batch of gingerbread. I made it with scotch. And then she says, I got to go check on Zoe. How old's your kid? She's not eight. Yeah, exactly. She's in Snowboarding Academy 3. Don't forget to tell you, Daddy, I can take us pull up myself.

My south mouth. Yeah. Meanwhile, um, oh, she gets at her guitar. That's a really big moment. I forgot about that. That's a big moment. But she just, she gets into her closet. She goes into her closet.

She's like a closet. She has a closet. metaphorical. And she pulls out her old guitar, which somehow her dumb daughter never was like, mom, why is there like an electric guitar in the closet? Right.

So she pulls it out. And she starts playing a song. And you know in her mind she's thinking, someday, someday we'll get back to singing, rocking Rudolph. I got to say, that last song was one of the most disappointing things about the movie.

I was just kind of like, I agree. Uh-oh. Going back to Rudolph. Yes, Runny Rudolph. Rudolf is terrible. The next.

Rudolph the latte boy. Rudolph the latte boy. Your nose is red. Can you fuck me with it? It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappence commercial. The next day, now the kids are

heckling, the main bully kid. It's just heckling Santa now. This kid is unredeemable. truly she's she is just a little nasty piece of work i know and santa's like where are you supposed to be sand it's supposed to be the north pole you fat fuck yeah aren't she supposed to be sliding down a little wax piece of wood yeah and her her disses are so bad too she's like aren't you supposed to be in the north pole letting up your sleigh uh like yeah aren't you supposed to be like shlight he's like how do you know that it's like i'm santa that is a line they use all the time

that I know everything. That's her recurring one. You're doing here, your little merchant. What's your little delinquent? I got kicked out for the day. And it's like, there's this girl. I didn't see something I didn't like. Yeah, and I like that.

I like that Taylor's like, well, guess what? Being a teenage girl is tough and I know. And then the bully's like, what? What? What? What? Are you, uh, what? This is when we proceed to get a lot of backstory about a character we

don't really know and basically she's like my mom never spends time with me and i'm lonely and i'm a bitch because i have mommy issues we're like oh thanks for the plot my dad's in london my mom works somewhere nearby but we don't know who she is and i'm angry because i'm not getting enough attention so i'm acting out and going after the new girl at snowboard academy i'm mad and so the the the level of self-awareness this bully has is absolutely ridiculous also it's ridiculous that I remember when I was doing like counseling and I had to work with teens which was

fucking and Jake knows from teaching kids just don't open up to a stranger and start talking like this ever especially Santa and especially a kid who's an asshole and who's angry. And the kid is also like very like like she's you know

the the you know Taylor's like you know I know a girl who never met her father that's you know that's Zoe whatever and she's like you know her she's like yeah I know And she goes, did Zoe tell you that I'm a bully? No bully ever says that. No, no bully ever thinks they're a bully. No, Maleficent still thinks she was right.

She was, though. I saw the movie. I saw the movie. She was right. They always are right. All of them. Yeah. So Taylor's like, oh, I don't think you're a bully kid, but sometimes hurt people, hurt people.

Santa's been hurt too. Someone keeps stealing Santa's lip gloss. Okay, it's very, very beautiful. By the way, what Santa offloads their problems on some kid? Santa's been hurt too, you know. Santa hasn't had it easy. Santa wanted to be an accountant, but somehow wound up with this shit job. And sometimes Santa just sits in his armchair and drinks a whole bottle of scotch at the end of the night

and thinks about what could have been. So I heard too, kid. Yeah, so let's make a Christmas wish. No, you can't do that. Christmas wish to get over our hurt to get over. Over our hurt and put it behind us. What kind of bullshit is this? Well, let's shove it down and don't think about it.

Oh, Merry Christmas. It gave up on a midnight clear. Let's make two wishes. Let's ask that little stuttering tramp to never see you guys because I was painful. Okay. Can I also point out this is so late in the movie that it does, we should be barreling towards the end of the movie here. But what, well, what happens is that by talking to this little brat.

so by talking to this little brat you know Taylor is really talking to herself by saying it's time for us to put our traumas behind us she's like oh by talking to this little brat I'm realizing how boring it is when people talk about how upset they are by their trauma I've decided I'm not going to be like that and decide to be nice to the hot guy again so she goes back to Matthew and brings him coffee I mean a cocoa and she's like um delivery here's some hot cocoa god forbid we drink alcohol in this movie I know or even caffeine yeah So they're like, well, I guess this is a date, right? I'm sorry about that. It's just trauma.

And you sort of like kind of like did sort of step on a big boundary for me. I mean, you try to have me sing on stage and you're the one who has stage fright. So you sort of volunteer me for something I never asked for in the first place. So I would apologize and apology. We should have an apology. But here's a hot cocoa in the meantime. Yeah, I do love his stage fright storyline while he's also a guitar player in an amazing scene. Right.

Nothing works. Nothing actually helps. No. So they decide. that they're friends again and he's like he's like super kind of upset with her like his big doughy eyes he's like

oh I've been so hurt shut the fuck up you just ran into like every statue and drunk drove in Italy like I don't want to hear it from you you whining fucking man so now she's back to set up back three yeah well she's time to set up back three because he's like hey I'm glad

that we're finally reconciled you've got to come to the holiday party and she's like absolutely I will 100% be there and he goes good because now you can meet our Santa Claus because he's the best And she's like, what? Go to the Mrs. Doubtfire restaurant scene.

Yes, exactly. So we're going into the Miss Doubtfire portion of this event. And we go to the Christmas party, which is in a big hotel office room or whatever. And she's like, oh, my God, I don't think I'm going to fit in here in this hotel meeting room. Can I just say, this dress looks terrible. And it's this lacey wrap. shrug and later even at the end they have her in a red sweater with like pearl

applique on the shoulders they dress her like a 603 year old woman from Des Moines she looks terrible god damn it's a travesty she's like I don't know if I'm gonna fit in with all these bland people I mean I know you would have thought I would considering I just walk around wearing generic cashmere sweaters but I just don't know if I can fit

and so then dad's like big announcement everyone thanks to our really good Santa Claus. We sold out the Christmas season from some people who hadn't had plans and decided last minute they had to stay in the hotel where there's a really good Santa. Yeah. And for the next three years,

because people really are jazzed about getting their kids to see a good Santa who solves their problems. Who solves their problems. Cheaper than therapy. This is all dialogue that was said, by the way. It was. Yes.

So the dad's like, oh, well, Matthew, who is this lovely young lady in the ill-fitting dress? She's like, oh, yeah, well, my name's Taylor and we met at a very reputable record store and reputable, in fact, not even reputable. And we appreciate, you know, because we appreciate vinyl and punk rock

and things like that. That's like, what, a record store in this town? I'm going to root it out and get it out of here. There needs to be a chocolate shop. The more hawk,oco. The more you go to the record store, she leads to dancing. And dancing leaves to Satan.

And Tia Mallory's just sitting, or standing there, glaring at her. And Taylor's like, and they're like, well, I wonder when Santa's going to get here. And she's like, oh, yeah, I'm going to go freshen up. So then it's already problematic that the gay is being put into the bathroom stall. Oh, that's fine. Problematic.

I felt so seen. I loved it. And so he's finally something in a glory hole. Oh, you know, that was chef's kiss. I did enjoy it when he said, you didn't bring me anything to eat. They should have said a drink. A gay would have said, you didn't bring me a drink. Yeah, so here's the setup.

So basically she goes to the bathroom. One gay, the boyfriend or the husband, the one, the brother-in-law is standing, you know, keeping an eye out making sure no one goes into the bathroom while the brother is in the far. I'm going to say probably the handicapped stall because it was a large stall. It is. It's a little problematic. Yeah. And so so he's there and he's got the Santa Claus thing ready.

He's basically going to do a quick change. Like he's standing in the rafters on Saturday Night Live. It's like Broadway and the wings. yeah so she goes in there it's like oh quick change quick change quick change so she comes out now she's Hugh again yeah so she comes out she's Hugh and she goes into the room and the dad's like whoa I've never received so many emails I mean wow you are the head of the holiday season Lisa Gibbons loves you and isn't it weird that Natasha is just like Natasha knows that this Santa's a fraud

And is using not only a woman's, a random woman's social security number, but that woman is at the same party. And she's just sitting on it. She's actually not only, she's like not telling her assistant. She's just sitting there like, okay, well, fraudulent Santa's here. But she doesn't know who the woman is, right? Yeah. And so that's, so we know that Santa's using a woman's security.

And so she's like, hmm, something's wrong here. But we don't see her put it together. Mm-mm. Yeah. So Hugh comes back in, and he was like, well, Mr. Boss, your son will be an excellent general manager. That's for sure. And then he's like, oh, my God. By the way, Hugh, God, you look sexy today.

I can't wait for you to meet Taylor. Maybe. Are you into three cents? There's something in your eyes, Hugh. Something in your eyes. God, it's so good to be here with you. I'm with my favorite paw and my favorite foo pa. God damn it, Hugh.

And he's like, whoa, you can't wait. I'm going to meet Taylor Hall. She's special. And the dad goes, yeah, the last time he said that, she stole this story to a gossip magazine. Girl. Oh, so now we're having a late act three stakes, which is like the dad's never going to approve of Taylor.

Right. Because he can't trust these women that come around her son. Yeah. And he's like, she's not like that, dad. I'm falling for her. You see, you're supposed to set this up in act one. And the whole idea is that when she is out it, it's like, see, son, you never should go back to her.

I told you she was bad. I told you she was bad. was a liar and he's like my dad's right you were a liar like but they were like no we'll set this up right now and just forget about it three sentences yeah here we go three guys time for a huge moment taylor runs back to change back into taylor again so she runs through the hallways and um that's when then she comes back is it this time where the guys they this is where the brother-in-law snowboarders say Stephen king is here and the the other horror gay or is that after no no that's she comes back she comes back and but the gays are still like

like being really weird in the bathroom. One is still in a stall and one is still hiding outside the bathroom. They have cameras in this hotel. Yes. So this is where Taylor has to come back to show her business acumen now. So the dad's like, well, I just met this lady, but let me tell you, this is what we're going to do with our future resorts, which is that we're going to, we're going to revamp things.

And Natasha's like, that's right. We are going to revamp things. And I'm going to say this in front of someone who I just discovered is committing massive fraud with his fake social security number. We're going to have wine tastings and all those kind of things. Spa treatment. the prices. Why don't you have wine tastings and spa treatments already?

You're a hotel. You're a luxury hotel. You already should have this. Let's say this now. They already have these things. We should open up a gym. Let's have a gym. We can have it be open two hours a day.

What about 24 hours? You know what? Good. 24 hours. Good idea. So then Taylor is like, well, what about the kids? Okay, Taylor, you spent your entire movie complaining about how this kid ruined your life. And she's like, think about the children.

Are we going to have activities for children? What about Kraft Night? Karaoke. Someone's nurturing all of a sudden. This is where I lost sympathy for her anymore. I was like, I'm glad your daughter's a bitch to you because you just talked over this woman who has her own fucking job. Like you own the goddamn place, just telling everybody what to do. You deserve everything you get, Taylor.

Live in your van. Yeah. You are amazing. I'm going to give you Natasha's job. Natasha, you are now. stepping down to an even lower job than you have now. Yeah. I know.

Because she's like, there should be fun activities for the kids. That way, the parents can relax. And Natasha's like, like what, pin the tail on the donkey. And they're like,

that's a great idea. Pin the tail on the donkey. Let's do it. Never thought of it. Craft night and karaoke night. And she finally says, look, I know I'm just here and I'm just here running back and forth

because you probably think I have exploding diarrhea and you don't know that I'm changing into a san-a-sum. But I just want to say, if you went over the, kids, you went over the parents. No, I'm sorry, but your son has been feeding me hot chocolate for two weeks, and I've got the shit. I've got to go shit again. I'll be right back.

Because Natasha, to get her back, it's like, um, I think it's time for gifts. Where is our Santa? So she goes into change. She's getting in, dress as this is the gay sex simulation. While this happens, the brother-in-law hears a Stephen King. There's a Stephen King side. He's a horror gay, remember. Harrogay. So he leaves his post, which is

terrible because Matthew decides he has to go to the bathroom so Matthew comes in the bathroom and while this is happening we get a classic you know what's going on in that bathroom stall thing in this case brother and Hugh are trying to get like the fat suit on and go right there oh god wait hold on just stay

still for two minutes it'll get easier so Matthew Matthew who's just done like an eight ball in Venice and like knocked over 10 statues is like what they're Maybe sex in the bathroom. So he looks kind of like he doesn't say like, get out of here or anything like that.

He kind of listens and watches and kind of looks in like it's kind of hot. He looks. He looks underneath. He sees the feet. And what he sees is, I don't know if he realizes that this is Santa at this moment, but he definitely sees like, you know, Santa boots are the like, yeah. And he's like, he knows it Santa because he sees Santa's big old shoes. And yeah.

And Santa's the bottom here. Right. Yeah, Santa's the one who is. Oh, yeah. And Matt does look a little sad. And I think it's because he finds out that he's been fucking around with guys in the bathroom and it's not him. So he's like sad. It's true. I believe.

He's like, we're both bottoms. He's like, oh, no, we're both bottoms. It was interesting that he played it kind of sad. I mean, I guess I don't think he was sad that he found out he was gay. I think he was just like, he's not with me or whatever. So then he goes out and he's really awkward. Like, what should I do? Should I just go in there and ask to join?

Should I just jerk out, jerk off off. outside the door. What do I do? So then he, so then he like comes out of the bathroom. He's like, whoa. And then, but then like Santa and the, and the brother both come out, which is weird, because why did the brother leave the bathroom? And then so he turns around and he's, and then he's like, oh my God, it's confirmed. Hugh was having gay sex in the bathroom in the middle of Christmas party. Like, this is legitimately, like, it's not us making a joke. Like, he was actually fucking another man in Hugh in Hugh, who is like the star of this

resort, who was just talking to the CEO, this massive billionaire, decided, you know what, I got to, I got to step away to have some gay sex. And I think I'm in love. He's like, there's a shot. I know. So they go back into the meeting room or whatever. And Matt's like, wait, does anyone know where Taylor is? Where is she?

Have to tell. I have to get this bone around on somebody. And Natasha's like, no, but I know who does. No build up at all. who wants to lead this hotel is about to ruin the annual Christmas party. This is an imposter. He is a fraud. He's using a fake name and your girlfriend's social security number.

So he knows who Taylor is. He says, you're probably working on an evil playing together to ruin my career. And I'm like, you narcissists? What the fuck is? Why is this about you now? So weird. She does make it about her. It is kind of very revealing.

I have a theory that they wanted to make this into like this mustache twisting kind of villain. Tia just did not play it that way. She just tried. She tried to find a human connection to it. And that's why a lot of these lines don't work. I think she really are a fan of Twitch. I'm a big Twitch fan.

No, I think that Tia was so good in this. I know. I think she did the best job she could. Yeah, they gave her nothing. They gave her nothing. They gave her nothing. And it was like very unrealistic that she sort of sat on this information so late or she didn't say sir i need to talk to you about hugh i think we have an issue

she just sort of sits there and then goes through this entire scene and then finally is like aha everyone you're like whoa where did this come from so so she's doing this big reveal and she's not even given the villain moment of doing the big reveal because instead what happens is that someone is like um is uh taylor jacobson in here taylor we have a snow we have a snowboard Academy Emergency. Your daughter Reveal. About to die.

Okay. Your daughter has oddly been snowboarding during the nighttime snowboarding Christmas party at the what the hell? And she So they run out

and so she's like Oh my God. Ho, ho, ho, three wise men. Lots of reveals here. And then she says Zoe in the most

female voice possible. Yeah. Zoe. Zoe! So she runs out to the ambulance where Zoe is being car loaded in and then the bully is now nice and she's like...

She's going to be okay, right? We're now best friends because I turned nice in one day. She's teased Tia Mallory, yeah, and she says, I've been really mean to her mom and her mother is awesome and her mom listens to her and I'm like, okay, all right.

So it turns out this girl is the bully is the daughter of Tia and the bully ruins everything. Ever since dad moved to London, you've been different. I hate these reveals. She also ruins Tia's big moment of being able to pull the face off.

I guess at this moment, Tia still doesn't think that Hugh is... I guess we should have won when they were the only two black people in town. I know. There was a little boy, too. That is something we should have assumed. Yeah.

That's why I think Tia Mowrie should have played the role of Santa because A, I think her physical comedy would have been better. But then it could have been about, how all these people are uncomfortable by by black Santa yeah yes they would never hire a black sand in this hotel absolutely I mean there's actually a whole like this totally at this amazing subtext in this movie that's like a commentary about like how she's the only one Tia's the one working hard and just all these white women's doing the most like yeah there's all these white

people who are caretaking for everybody abilities no skills whatever who just fail upwards and it's like hey you lady who used to work at the cookie company critic criticizing frosters you have a great idea. We're going to give you a high, high position in this hotel. And Tia's the only one, Natasha's the only one, doing any sort of work and no one's paying attention to her. Yeah, I mean, even down to the main character, because she's working

her ass off to send her daughter to snowboarding camp, and then this lady comes in and commits fraud to get her kid in, and everyone's fine with it. Right, you know. So, um, Matthew, Matthew looks kind of confused because he like wants to fuck everybody in the finale. Like, he's like, I want to fuck all of you.

And so he's like, just go to the hospital so they run away there was just one thing and I'd say the mom the daughter has a line which she butchers like Santa why do you sound like my mother

it was just such a weird line and and then I wrote down it's very different a situation like this is very different when it's a man in a woman's outfit because then it's like all types of gender politics are it's a stronger

gender politic than a woman in a man's costume. And it's not the big reveal they're hoping it will be. It's not like just one of the guys when she when he ripped open and goes she goes, she's got tits and everyone, I saw boobs for the first time in a movie and I remember

that. Referring references only. Yes. That was my child. All right, here we go. Also, by the way, also like, hello, you know what, like Hugh or what Taylor. When your daughter says, why do you sound like my mom. That's the moment when you say,

oh, you have a head injury. Sorry. Get in an ambulance. No, she pulls off her mask and her glasses and all of that. She's like, I'm a mother. And she looks flawless, which is not how you look at her wearing flawless. She actually hasn't looked like that in the entire movie. I was like, wow,

how she's suddenly like so put together. This was a Scooby-Doo reveal. It was just a complete Scooby-Doo reveal and they look like themselves. Anyone who's been in her prosthetics looks like a fucking mess. I was like, put a pin in this but she's on a gurney

strapped down with a neck brace looking like she's about to be airlifted somewhere put a pin in that till later when we see Zoe again I know. We see Zoe tap dancing in a bathing suit. Can we get this kid

to the hospital? Do we have to have this whole moment? Commercials. Here comes one right now. So now Natasha is talking to the dad, and she's like, you know what? We could charge her with fraud and with trespassing and other cool things. And the dad's like, well, how could you let that happen? Natasha, I'm so disappointed. I trust.

And you, Natasha, I trusted you, Natasha. And Jimmy, you singing jingle bells. It doesn't fix anything. Be quiet. Matthew's like, it's no one to blame but me. I hired Hugh. I wanted to stick my dick deep inside of him. It was my mistake.

He is now redeemed himself because he's now sacrificed himself. Yes. By the way, because it's a Christmas movie from Great American Country. This writer who also wrote the Lindsay Lohan thing incorporated a scene in that one

where Lindsay Lohan's like clearly gay fiance winds up like in a cabin in the woods with some strange man and they kind of have like an implied gay sex moment. Yes, they do. This guy loves, like, inserting, like, closet gay moments. Including gay sex. I think about it for him.

And I love that. I love that. I still think, I love that. I still think the script of that film was one of the best ones. One of the funniest things we've done. Well, it died. Well, it died. It's like, I made a mistake too.

Natasha, you're taking the lead on this. I'm not giving you the job. Matthew, you still have the job because you're a white man who fails upward. But you can go outside for now. So Natasha feels bad now And now she's talking to her B daughter And they're talking about like Oh my God, I feel awful because I was so mean to her

And she's such a good snowboarder She just didn't have a very nice vest But she has a really nice mom And Natasha's like her mother is a fraud I'm not a mom She's a good mom You don't listen to me I am behind Natasha all the way

Mom is a fraud Stop like go back to being a bully You learned the wrong life lessons You learned the wrong life lessons I disagree Listen, Santa is always, it's an actor playing a character. So what actresses don't work now? And I wish that this movie had taken it to that

where she's like, who cares if I'm a woman? A woman can't be Santa Claus. Santa Claus isn't a man or a woman. It's true. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what's also funny is I like how the daughter just spins it on Natasha out of left field because Natasha's like, listen, stop.

That woman is a fraud. And then she goes, no, she listened to me. Not like you. Like, aha. And then we get in London You just got prosecuted. Prosecuted for all your failures as a mother. You don't hear me.

You split from dad and I never see you. I miss my mom. And Natasha's like, I know. Let's talk. Let's talk. Do you want a pony? How can I buy you off?

Do you want to go? So morning school? There's a quick cut. That's kind of jari. We're just sitting on the couch with Zoe in a fucking arm brace and everything's fine. She's fine. She's fine.

We just hit 100,000, 100,000 views. Really, you just ruined my career with a neck break that didn't happen. You spoil little B. You spoil little B. Trying a jump you were not prepared to do. But wait. She's like, have you heard from Matthew? She's like, probably not unless we go to court.

She was like, wow, you really did this for me, right? She's like, oh, you're not mortified of your mom. She's like, mom, I've been mortified for you for so many years. This is nothing new. so embarrassing as a pop, as a, as a, uh, uh, yeah, I heard your album mom and it sucks. Yeah, here's the one who's feeling, it's me, Dorley. How are you telling me that your daddy wasn't really

Santa Claus? I was ready for that man to dip his cookie inside my milk. I was ready to be that man's fixing. How could you do this to me? Must have got a really good laugh at me. Doralee is visibly shaken. This, because she also was having, like a reckoning. She's basically saying like, I now have to ask for rent money from this woman who I accidentally hit on because I thought she was an older

older Silver Daddy and I'm realizing I was hitting on her instead and this is very awkward for me. The movie stops being light because she ends up leveling her with this because she says I looked stupid and Taylor said I never meant to hurt you and she's like why is it that that's the people

that hurt me or who that I always hear that from it's always the people that hurt people that say that really. It feels like we're in a Tennessee Williams scene all of a sudden she's just that good. She's that good. I got to say it hit me in my gut

and brought tears to my eyes. No, she's good. Oh, God. This actress is fantastic. She's great. She moved here to this town. She lived in Chicago and she moved here to this town

to follow love. And then he left her. Now she's stuck in this town. She grew up as a little girl in Puerto Rico. All I wanted was for him to take a turn in my toy factory and you had to ruin it for me. I was a dancer.

I was a prancer. And now I'm just a landlady. Now I'm just a landlady. So Tia and Matthew. I was going to let him snow my globe. Now he's gone. Now he's gone. Where are they next?

Are they any of parking? Oh, yeah, yeah. Talking to Matthew about the daughter's name is, Tim Bowery and Matthew are talking about. The daughter's name is Eva, though it doesn't matter. And he's talking to him. Matthew, Natasha's telling Matthew,

even I had a long talk and this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for Taylor and I just wanted to say, thanks for not throwing me out of the bus and he's like, I avoided his responsibility for so long. I figured it was time for me to grow up. She's like, well,

you should give the speech at the concert tonight. Yeah. Because she conquered your fear of public speaking finally. Yeah, and he's like, but I can't do that. She goes, no, I'm going to teach you. I'm going to have a redemptive moment that won't happen on camera.

Yes. And this is going to be your final exam. I'm going to have a written Roman. She's going to be the one that's going to help him with the speech things. I think that's so weird. So now he's taking the stage for his speech. It's like five minutes later and he's like, I've learned

to give speeches. Is everybody ready? Here we go. I'm sure you've heard what happened with Santa. In the meantime, Sun Peaks won't have a Santa, but we can still celebrate Christmas because Santa's not a man. Santa is a boner in my pants that I pull slowly and enjoy. Did I know it was coming? No. Did it hit me in the eye? It sure did. What was I talking about? Why do I have a bono right now? I forgot. Damn it. And he's losing the audience.

As soon as like Santa's a concept, they're like, boo, Santa's a old guy. San is a white man. Santa's a white fat man And he's old Bring the George He's not a concept Bring out Santa Bring out Santa Bring out Santa

Bring out white Santa So then the dad's like What is Matthew doing up there And she's and Natasha's like He's saving Christmas Everyone's like dude no he's not This is the worst thing ever At least they're not singing

Run Run Rudolph though am I right Just wait Matthew's like Everyone's miserable. This was the most unbelievable part of the movie. And to me that Taylor and Zoe show up and Taylor decides to go up on stage to apologize to him in front of fucking everybody.

And from this unruly-rubble, she only talks to him in front of a mic. Like, she never even addresses on. And it's also like, this is Netflix. Can you hire some more extras? Can you make it look like it's more than 30 people behind a snowbank? Yes, because like, in the Lindsay Lohan movie,

this would have been a physical comedy of errors of her going to apologize and then something like she ends up Pratt falling on the stage not meaning to be on the stage that's what we needed from this. I'm sentimental for that movie. I don't say the Lindsay Lohad movie culminated where they're making a very similar speech

in front of a crowd that was just as big but they did it in the living room so it felt compressed and it felt high stakes. But here it's just like you see it's a stage for 20 people and like also what would have been helpful would have been if there had been some headlines about, you know, billionaire error, like, in trouble again.

Oh, happy. It's fuzzy. It was a fraud. And so, like, now the media is there. Like, heckler there. He's like, hey, bro. Talk to her, bro. It's like, why is he at every Santa event?

Three hundred jake. Is nobody worried that this guy is at every Santa event? He is constantly on Santa subreddit. Yeah. So she just says, I need to apologize. I need your job. And you need a Santa. and I just don't think I could have something like this.

I don't think I deserved it. And I didn't think I was going to fall for you. Also, I'm lactose intolerant there. I said it. Kiss her. Finally. Kiss her. Yeah.

Don't leave them, honey, don't leave. I wish she had had this speech like shame on everyone in this town for limiting who Santa could be or what Santa should be. What are we teaching our? young women. Now sure I taught my daughter that she was a mistake, but that was just honesty. Draw some boundaries.

You didn't need to put your daughter into snowboard school. Your daughter needs a job. Teach your money. Eggs cost $10. We have no sympathy for you. Susie Ormond videos. So.

Oh, Merry Christmas Silent Night. Exactly. Matt's like, wait, Taylor. But I miss you, okay? I miss his beard. I miss his. bathroom stall anal, please, is there some way you can bring it back? She's like, oh, God, I'm okay.

That's exactly what happens. And then there's, they decide that they're going to spend Christmas together, but then before that, they're like, wait a second, do you want to sing? And she's like, well, I guess this time, is everyone ready for some pop punk girl group madness? Guess right? If you lined up here, ready to hear some pussy riot, then guess, guess. ready, because it's about to happen right now. Run, run, Rudolf.

Run, round, Rudolph. Scootty bop and boot and doodoo-de-de-de-de-be. And this isn't my voice, because I was too scared to do it. I mean, if you're going to do that, you're somebody good, like have a Nell Carter recording in there. I just wanted to be on set, though. Because I think they filmed it when no one was there. I think about this, think about it.

You don't really see a lot of sense. scenes that Jimmy the Elf. Well, no, but Jimmy the Elf is never really in the scene with other people. If you think about it, it's just cutaways. So I'm pretty sure they spent like four hours trying to shoot with this guy just going, cheer, Jimmy, cheer. And he's just going like over and over and over. It's like dark.

It almost looks like a black screen or something behind him. So now, okay. so she has a triumphant moment that speaks neither to her past as a punk rocker nor to really anything else in this movie and now it's Christmas Day and the whole gang is at her apartment

I'm like including his father I was like what do you guys who's never set foot an apartment building like that and we all know and we all know why they're there like right away you're like oh I know why they're there because the dad is there they need to have the dad there because the land leads and yeah I knew that you just know what you see it because there's no

reason why these wealthy people. And the dad is kind of like, are those fags over there? Yeah. Is that too too good gay guys? I'm sorry to we open a a taco truck because there are two faggy to burritos over there.

Is that a gay couple? They're all celebrating and in like not even a full like half breath. He's like I'll do a toast. To Natasha got sent to London and to everybody else that like you don't even and you I actually had to rewind

and say wait I'm like she didn't like excuse me and so she's in London now I guess with her husband and like overnight like this all happened on Christmas Eve they just she piled her a ticket and made her go away

I got to say my note from this entire movie is what a misuse of a Twitch I totally agree they gave her nothing to do She is, this is unfair. She did not deserve this. Tia Mallory deserves more.

They sure, I mean, it's shocking that they did not include her in that final scene. Maybe she got COVID or something. They had to shoot without her because like, yeah, there's no reason that you have to see the girls together as friends. You have to see her and she's like, well, thanks again for that promotion to London. Maybe she got. I think this was a CODA or something that they put on, they tacked on. They were like, we need something better than run, run Rudolph at the end.

I think you're right. They're like, because then we get, like, Diana's doing such a good job that we have to give her. We have to, we have to tie up her loose end. Let's give her to the dad. Yeah, Natasha's like, I'm busy. I work. So. But Taylor goes over and invites her over to Christmas.

She invites Dora Lee over. And then Dora Lee is so touched and is being very nice at the Christmas party and then see some old man meet and goes right for it. Well, hello, daddy. Ooh, hotel owner, right? How'd you like to soap my hand? Hey, you want to refill my shampoo in the morning? Oh, yeah, I'll change my pillow sheets, bad boy. Do not disturb, am I right?

Got some extra shower caps back at my house. They're conveniently under the mistletoe. And honestly, I love this because she was the best character. She's the character who's been hurt the most, let's be honest. I don't care what any of Taylor's backstory is. It's this woman who's been hurt the most. and she winds up with the richest guy. Good for her.

Good for her. And he's going to die soon and she's younger and then she'll be a billionaire. Yeah. And now she deserves it. And not give Taylor and her husband money because she's going to take it all. Yeah. Because they never paid rent. Yeah.

And the immutable last line. So, Taylor, how'd you get so good at Christmas? Santa Claus. I'm Santa Claus. Mm. Yeah. I'm hoping she would say, Oh, it's because when I dropped out of college

for my daughter, I had to watch a lot of holiday movies. Also, too, I don't think this set was very fun because there was no outtakes in the credits and there should have been outtakes. They're not that talented. I really did, all in all, I did not like this movie. It was... Me neither.

Yeah, I didn't like this movie. No, I did not. And it's just, we can find the best. bad stupid things in it but i enjoyed that lindsay lohan movie i even enjoyed uh i even enjoyed the dumb food network i even like parts of hot frosty hot frosty was ridiculous but it was fun at least yeah hot frosty was cute yeah yeah i would and those movies are all about like what christmas is really about in some way yeah this one wasn't like it didn't really have anything to do with christmas this movie didn't have a heart it didn't know this was a bad one took place at

Christmas but other than that it didn't really even have anything to do all I just kept thinking was God the apartment decorations are so bad like the apartment building I was like this is what being poor is like and it's sad is it is it because this is what christmas boobies are like in 2025 I think it's just like I think this was like too much like it was like save the cat they were like okay here's all the characters they just sort of like this painting by numbers they dropped it all in and so it was all tidy but like the silliness of this like Mrs. doubt fire thing actually was like never that silly it never The only thing it did was they elicited this like really random gay sex scene in the bathroom late in the movie.

And I was like, and the, and the locker room scene really was like, what is happening here? And that was my Christmas wish. I will say, I think that it was probably, I think that it was probably like a more adult movie at one point because of all of this stuff. Like he wants to fuck the Santa the whole time. He's just like Cokehead ne'er do well. Like they had all the ingredients to make it. good but they chose to go like the family friendly we have to be super safe because we're like a hallmark being on netflix now or whatever the fuck they were doing and they just kind of watered it

down because i think if he was like a cokehead mess and had to learn to be better and natasha was really a bitch and scheming and trying to take everything down and he really was kind of into the gay sex santa like it could have been good it's just kind of like watered down yeah i agree yeah try to please everybody you please you please nobody you please nobody Right, big boys. Nobody. But it sure was pleasing for us. I mean, it gave us four hours to laugh together.

This was so much fun again, guys. We did it again. We did it. Only four. A holiday tradition. What Christmas is really about is us getting together every year to talk shit about people we don't know. And finding gay narratives. That's exactly it.

And to act like we could do any better. That's good. That's true. That's very true. And with that. Yes. Thank you to our sissies and our Geraldine's out there that are that are probably clenching your fist just with your family right now. So we hope that this was a respite of laughter and fun.

I'm going to be right there with you with my mother and father. It's going to be, yeah, it's going to be rough this year. Oh, I can already tell you, there's, yeah, there's my mother, I can already, my mother's already grouchy. so oh really yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm just in the buying phase because i'm the single one and everybody else is married or has kids or whatever it's just like there's 20 people to buy for but i'm like gonna get gift cards or some shit um but everybody thanks so much for being here we will talk to you in the new year bye bye would like to thank its premium sponsors.

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