Watch What Crappens - #315: Moons and Loons

Episode Date: August 2, 2016

Shannon and Kelly have it out at an Osh on this week’s Real Housewives of Orange County. Also, Teresa reads out loud on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and Reza finishes the Shahs of Sunset off by being grosser than usual. Enjoy! Timestamps: 0 Opening Chatter and Crappens Mailbag 22:00 RHOC 1:23:00 RHONJ 1:51:55 Shahs Season Finale Our new show at TuneIn starts next week! Download the app! For our premium feed, bonus episodes and extras, visit http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Watch What Crappens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Watch What Crappens would like to thank its premium subscribers, Nicole Chickering and Christy Doherty. We love you girls. Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on ye olde brobs. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV, the Rose Pricks Bachelor podcast, and the Big Brother Smother podcast.

Check those out. What's a-talkin', guys? And I'm here with my handsome, adorable, on the inside and out, toasty as a little toasty in a pizza roll, Ben Mandelker, the B-side blogger and the banter blender. Hi, Ben. Hi. I do feel like a Totino's pizza roll today. We've had such a fun morning so far. So, for Loopy, that's why. We've already been partying all morning.

We did our first tune-in show today. Yes. Which is all about Bravo Gossip. We talked about Lala leaving Vanderpump Rules and Bethany and Carol from Real Housewives of New York. I don't even remember what they did, but it was really fun. However, it's not going to air until tomorrow,

August 3rd on TuneIn. So don't go over there and get confused. Some people have already been like, where's your show? I don't hear it. I don't hear it. Everyone just chillax. August 3rd is when the first show's going up, so if you don't have TuneIn, then just download it and do

whatever you have to do to go listen to our little Bravo Gossip show on TuneIn. Yes. That was really fun to record. I'm so glad we're doing those. Super fun. Oh, also, we have another good big announcement. We're going to be part of the L.A. Podfest.

What? This is so cool. We are like in L.A. Podfest is like a legit podcasting festival. There are going to be big celebrities there, like Aisha Tyler and, like Aisha Tyler and people like Aisha Tyler. Some of the biggest podcasts are out there, like Welcome to

what's the one, the alien one, Welcome to Something Vale, whatever. I will go to lapodfest.org to see what the roster is. But these are like – it's not LAPodFest.org. Okay, I'm just ruining everything.

I'm ruining everything. Well, the LAPodFest is going to be amazing. We got a really good slot there. And there's going to be like a live stream you can watch that on. So it will be kind of like a live show on the internet. Well, it will be a live show on the internet and a live show in real life. So there you go. be like a live stream you can watch that on. So it'll be kind of like a live show on the internet. Well, it will be a live show on the internet and a live show in real life. So there you go. It is a live show.

It is a live show. Well, we are going to be recording an episode of Watch What Crappens from LA Podfest on Sunday, September 25th. I believe we're at 7 p.m. I don't have that detail in front of us, but it's Sunday night. And that's going to be right in the middle of Beverly Hills, the L.A. Podfest. It is a really big event. So if you're in the area and you want not in the area, they actually have a stream. It's an entire

podfest weekend stream. I forget how much it costs, but you get a discount if you use the promo code CRAPPINS. It's a really good deal. I'm looking at their site now. I'm seeing Sarah Silverman.

This is Busy Phillips. These are like legit celebrities. And then it's us. So this is actually kind of the biggest thing that's ever happened to us. It's all happening. It's all happening. It is really cool. I'm looking at some of the other podcasts that are coming at L.A. Podfest.

There's Fairly Normal with josh wolf girl on guy that's the aisha tyler one um like road stories with murray valeriano um there's just so much stuff here it's amazing i'm and then it's us i really can't believe it welcome to night vale that was the one that i was talking about that's a really big podcast i can't believe it. Welcome to Night Vale. That was the one that I was talking about. That's a really big podcast. I can't believe we're in the same show. That's a really cool show. Have you ever listened to it? I have.

I have listened to it. It is really crazy. Oh, Cashing In with TJ Miller from Silicon Valley. So he'll be there. That's amazing. Oh, my God. I'm so glad I'm going to be with you because you can tell me who everybody is because I'm going to be like me mom there. Like, hey, you know, a girl named Busy.

That's just that's made up. I don't believe a mother would do that to her child. I don't know if that picture that picture may have been from last year. I don't know if she'll be here this year, but be there this year. But Jimmy Pardo, who has a huge podcast, Never Not Funny, he'll be there. His podcast will be there. It's what a coincidence. You've already called back me, Ma. Never Not Funny. He'll be there. His podcast will be there. What a coincidence. You've already called back Meemaw. Never Not Funny.

Love her. Busy. We'll give more details as we know them, but for sure, if you want to watch that from your home the whole weekend, if you want to buy a pass, just use our code, crappins. If you want information on all of this stuff, it's all posted on our Facebook at facebook.com slash watch what crappens yes and if you want information on all of this stuff it's uh all posted on our

facebook at facebook.com slash watch what crappens um you can also find all of our links if you forget that very difficult facebook address for example you can just go to watch what crappens.com and you'll also find a link there to our patreon page patreon is our premium subscription feed that's where we do our bonus episodes just wrapped up the food network store finale which was super fun to do so that's up today go find that and uh there you go thanks to everybody who supports us on there you have changed our lives so many ways yeah the la pod fest is the second biggest thing that happened to us because you guys are the first. Yeah. Thank you so much for everything you do for us.

And we've got a humongoloid show. Jesus. Oh, there's something else we have to announce, Ronnie. Oh, I was segueing into it. Oh, okay. Then you do it. Let's see if I can segue. We've got a week packed of crazy shows this week because next week begins the Olympics drought on Bravo, which means there will be no fighting. There will be no screaming.

There will be no fat Persian people trying to beat up women. This will be all America, you guys, is the Olympics. And Ben and I have decided, no, we are not going to take a vacation. We will mock the Olympics, damn it. Damn it, we will. You know, because Bravo is showing the Olympics, so if Bravo is showing the Olympics, that means it is fair game, no pun intended, for Watcher Crappens.

Of course, Bravo is only showing tennis, but I think we will just go into the entire NBC family of Olympics coverage. So next Tuesday, we are going to go in on the opening ceremonies. We'll be talking about Melbourne because Melbourne is going to be the one thing that's airing on Bravo that's new. So we'll have Melbourne. We'll discuss the Shazer of Sunset reunions, which are going to air this week, but we'll talk about them next week. And between Melbourne and Shaz, we'll just be talking

about the Olympics and basically the Olympic coverage. And we're going to talk about what we think is funny and the things that struck us in this typical crappin's way. If you need a good Michael Phelps impersonation in your life... I'll bring some

water and slosh it around. So we know it's not really our typical thing that we cover, but we figure most of our listeners will probably be watching the Olympics at some point or another because, you know, America or whatever country you're in. America! So I'm actually secretly excited for all of this. I'm actually thrilled to watch the Olympics. I think it's going to be so hilarious to talk about.

I did a video called Two Gays in the Olympics when it was in Russia a few years ago. And it was one of the most fun times I've ever had making a video. There is so much great stuff to talk about and make fun of. And the whole country is watching it. So let's do it together, y'all. Family time. Plus, let's not overlook the 2012 Olympics in London, which had so many hot male Olympians. I mean, it was,

I've never seen so many hot male Olympians. So that will have to be discussed. Yes. You know, when we, once we see the pageant of men come through Rio, we will have to, we'll have to start making favorites. And Rio is a literal shit show already.

I mean, there's, the toilets are leaking. People won't go into their housing because it's disgusting and dirty with exposed wiring. And they found the swimmers are going to have to swim in lakes of shit. Sewers. Yeah. So we're also thinking for the second week of the Olympics, we're thinking of putting together some sort of Bravo Olympics segment. And I can already imagine something involving swimming through shit in one of these housewives.

I feel like there's got to be a segment in there somewhere. They all do it so well. It's going to be hard to pick the winners. Yeah. You'd have to be like shit in a pond and then swim through it because they create the shit that they have to swim through most of the time on this show. They really, really do.

So, should we just get on with it then? I would love it. All right. Then let's go to the Krappens' mailbag. Do it. Open that mailbag. Mailbag. So, we had such a giant mailbag that started last week that we are finally coming to the tail end of all the mailbag entries right now with two of our favorites who've been patiently waiting for their questions to be read.

First, we will start with Michael Horn, who had a question the last mailbag. And he says, first of all, to answer Ben's question from last week about what kind of horn I would be, it would definitely be a shofar since I'm Jewish. I guess shofar. Did I not? Yeah, if you were a Christian, it would have been a trumpet because we believe in Gabriel who stands by the gates. See? There we go.

Could have gone either way. Don't worry. Gabriel is waiting for your little strumpet, okay, horn? So he says you were right. Now my question. Do you think that any of the housewives would fit better in another city slash cast? For instance, when Heather first came on Orange County, I know many thought she'd be a better fit for Beverly Hills. Are there any you would like to see make a crossover appearance a la bethany on beverly hills

and of course impressions are welcome who would be good well i think leah black would be very good on beverly hills that's an that's an obvious one to me basically because she has a house in the hollywood hills she doesn't she really pisses people off too she went on um cindy c posted this for us uh she went to what did she say on twitter because leah black sometimes recaps these shows for like okay magazine or whatever you know she has like different outlets and she was talking about brandy glanville i'm guessing on her vh1 show and she said something like oh the girl with tampon strings hanging out wants to, you know, pluck a vagina. It was something, some crash remark about Brandy's vagina.

And then Brandy tweeted at her. How dare you, Leah Black? What a disgusting human being. I have had you in my home around my children. Suddenly Brandy has standards. Yeah. So Leah would be great for something because she'll come in and just fight with anybody. She doesn't care.

Yeah. And she's loaded. So she definitely like fits the bill. I feel like Beverly Hills has moved more towards this like campy glam space of soap think that she would still be a good addition because she was really one of the best parts of Miami. And she is a character. She's a riot. And she doesn't give a shit, you know. So that makes her always entertaining to watch. So I would honestly have Leah Black on Beverly Hills. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so who else would there be?

Bethany. No, no. Bethany, I don't want her being anywhere else. She makes perfect sense where she is. Yeah, she's New York. Siggy Flickr could maybe go to New York, but she's working really well on New Jersey so far, in my estimation.

Yeah, Siggy's great where she is. Let's see, what other housewives shows are there? Well, I think you could move Cat O'Manny. We could get her out of D.C. and slide her over to... You could put her on Potomac, which might actually be hilarious. But she would probably work well on New York, to be honest. Yeah, she would.

She already hates the Countess. Yeah. And she is. She has no problem being hateful. I would actually like to see Eileen from Beverly Hills move over to Orange County just because she's not really fitting that well on Beverly Hills. She's just not really working out there. I think she actually does fit well on Beverly Hills, but she would fit well

on Orange County too. Her faux snottiness would be amazing on Orange County because people on that show would treat her being on a soap opera like she won an Oscar, whereas on Beverly Hills they're like, oh gross, a soap? But in Orange County, you know, Heather would be like,

well, I've used soap in the folding chairs when I used to sit next to Rino before I met Reba. She'd be trying to do actory talk with her. Yeah, I think that's a good call. I think Eileen on OC would be a good match. I think you could get rid of Megan King-Edmonds

because she obviously had only one season of good stuff in her, at least at this juncture, and get Eileen in there instead. I don't think that any of the OC Housewives would really go well anywhere else. They're their own creatures, and they seem to fit perfectly well right there in Orange County. Yes, I agree. Yeah, I mean maybe – you could actually even make an argument for Heather Dubrow on New York. Yeah, I mean, maybe you could actually even make an argument for Heather Dubrow on New York. But at this point, she's become so linked with Orange County that it's not quite as strong.

But she is a New Yorker, so it wouldn't be a crazy crossover. Yeah, Heather is one of those people that's just so fucking obnoxious to watch for me. I just think she's an obnoxious, boring, lifeless human being. But the thing that i love about her on orange county is that in that town she's fancy yeah but anywhere else you'd be looked at as so nouveau darling yeah i mean you may you i think you could maybe make an argument for jewels going to new jersey but i don't know i don't i don't think that really quite works i just need jewels to go somewhere. Preferably a doctor's office far, far away with no cameras. What about anyone from Atlanta or Potomac going out?

Or Dallas? We could, oh, we could, I'm sure, if anyone could probably mix and match with OC, it's the Dallas chicks. Oh, yeah, any one of them, actually. Like Tiffany. Tiffany would be very Orange County, if you ask me. Yeah, Tiffany is very Orange County. Leannery doesn't really even though she's very texas and poor she doesn't

really fit in anywhere but she could go to atlanta would be great on anything yeah i think leanne could go to atlanta i mean i know that the cast in atlanta is primarily black um but uh if they want a token white girl to fill to fill the space of kim zolciak um then i think leanne on atlanta would actually be kind of hilarious i mean she'd probably get into a giant mess and like so many fights but it would be great um what else is in that mail bag well by the way michael thanks for the question um benjamin cohen also known as Ben he says I have found myself doing the impersonations in real life conversations

I have labeled tiles with Shannon Medora and Ramona Singer for drunk Jenga the person that pulls the tile has to do their impersonations of our beloved blondes most of all I say how lucky are you very dryly when appropriate.

Do you guys ever bust into the voices outside of the show in your real lives? If so, what are your go-to impressions? I already have an answer. Go for it. The one that I bust into the most outside of crappins is Melbourne by far. There was one time when Ronnie and I were playing Catan. Do you remember this yes with i believe my friend stacy and was who was i don't remember who the other one was was it maybe sylvia

i don't know yeah sylvia was there and then that guy who always plays games like he's his oh brendan yeah brendan yeah brendan yeah and we kept on talking in australian accents and we're like i'll trade you a shape for three wood i'll do that and you're like oh that sounds good for me and we kept talking australian and they were like and first like why are you doing that we're like oh sorry we we were podcasting yes i do that a lot to you oh hello i still do it on this show all the time. And it's like a terrible, terrible accent. And it's not even imitating any one of the ladies. I just think it's so funny. Whenever I make any kind of announcement, I do that.

Hello. Yeah. It happens all the time. And sometimes there is definitely a Ramona moment of okay. I make my friends crazy with that one because I do okay. Seriously? Okay. Like, let's face it. it okay why are you talking like that please stop like it makes them crazy and I will not stop it and I cannot stop I do Lisa Vanderpump too darling yeah I do that too manipulating you into doing

the whatever um yeah I just kind of make everybody crazy. But my type two are definitely Ramona and Lisa. But then the terrible Australian accent comes into everything I do in life. Yeah, everything. Also, by the way, some listeners chimed in on Ben's question. And so Erica Page says, I say okay all the time now. And Lola Del Rio says, I scream justice at random times. And then Ben says, hashtag cool stepmom.

We actually get a lot of comments about people's kids who picked up on impersonations. Someone wrote to us saying that their two-year-old started saying, who? You? Who? You? After the OC fight last week.

We've got some really cute videos of kids doing impersonations. Yeah, it's amazing and terrifying. Really cute little Ramonas. Okay, okay, okay. I think that there's a correlation between children being able to accurately impersonate housewives. I think it has something to do with the maturity level of what we're watching.

Yes, as an older person on the news once said, you may change on the outside, but your brain is always that of a child. You're still worried about who likes you and who doesn't like you. You could be 90 years old and you'd be like, that girl was mean to me in the nursing home, and your brain doesn't change. Was that Alexis Bellino

on the San Diego Fox News? As a famous person on the news once said, all right, here's how to make your boobs bigger with Dr. Booby Bigger's pants. Doesn't make sense,

but it's Fox San Diego. Oh, Alexis, the gift that just keeps on taking. Yeah. That's it for the mailbag. Those are the final two questions. Thanks, mailbag people.

Bye. Bye. We kept the mailbag a little short today because we have a lot of shows to go through. And to be honest, when the Olympics are on, we'll probably do a little bit longer mailbags because, you know, we've got to talk about Bravo stuff. Oh, yeah. There is so much going on today. We've got the Real Housewives of Orange County, the Real Housewives of New Jersey, and the Shaws of Sunset. Oh, my God.

So much to discuss. But, you know, I know that if I weren't talking about Bravo, I'd probably be reading it about it on like a magazine or something, you know? You would, Ben? What kind of magazine would you be reading? That is crazy, okay? Well, not one that involves paper because, you know, when it comes to magazines, you know what you like. And with Texture, you can get all the magazines you want in one super convenient place. Yep.

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Stop mimicking magazines, you stupid tablet. Little mimicker tablet. The best part is that Texter is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texter.com slash crappin'. Yeah, even if you're a carny kid, you can still do this. You'll gain immediate entry to all the top magazines, including back issues and bonus video content. You know, sometimes all you can do is binge. When your parents are gone, you grow up in a carnival. So instead of binging, keep your figure and binge read for free right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins.

That's texture.com slash crappins. Texture.com slash crappins. And by the way, if you're new to this podcast because you found us on TuneIn, that was our ode to Leanne from Real Housewives of Dallas. Yes. Because I know not a lot of people watch that show. So there may be a bunch of new people being like, what is going on right now? What are they talking about? Trollies and Mimicant and the carny.

All right. Let's move on to a little Real Housewives of Orange County, shall we bin? Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness, Ronnie. Shall we? Shall. Shall we dance? Shall we dance?

Keep on something. I'm in such a musical mood today. I think it's because I saw Cabaret with my friend last week. Oh, how was it? And it was not not good people not really granted i've seen cabaret about a zillion times but everybody says this this is the um sam mendes yeah this is supposed to be so brilliant like you guys it's just cabaret come on now they don't do anything different in this except like really try and make the shocking moments even more shocking it's like it ain't working that's stupid well maybe it'll be better maybe

maybe next time maybe next time it'll be better even that song sucked i was like how can you sing maybe this time and feel nothing have you ever heard of miss liza manali you mimic her i have to say cabaret is not my favorite musical. I've actually seen it a few times myself at various productions that have all been perfectly fine productions. But I find that like it's it just sort of like goes along and all this stuff is happening. And then all of a sudden the last 30 minutes just gets super depressing and sad. And then that just ends and you just it has a super powerful ending. It has a super powerful ending, and that's, I think, what it really coasts off of is this really, really effective, sad ending with, of course, some great music peppered throughout.

But overall, I don't think it's a good musical. Yeah, it needs to be done really, really well. This, not so much. Sorry, but you guys, I don't expect everybody to be Liza, but at least get somebody with some kind of pain in her life. I need to feel things like when you sing, maybe this time I need to be sobbing. And if I'm not, that's a problem because as bitter as I sound, I'll sob every time. If I hear that line, I'll be lucky. Maybe this time he'll stay.

It's so sad. And you know that he never stays And he never going to Girl Well I know exactly what you were saying After you left that theater Am I excited? No No Maybe this time No

I'll be lucky No David do you think that maybe this time I'll be lucky David I'm having 30 to 40 negative thoughts about cabaret. I said life is a cabaret, not life is a Kit Kat girl, David. Stop breaking off a piece of those Kit Kat girls, David. David, I did not welcome in that 30-year-old on the beach. So, guys, much like I felt during cabaret, I was waiting for Jesus.

And that's how I felt at the beginning of this Real Housewives of Orange County. Except not just Jesus, but the Jesus trainer. I just, that's all I wanted this week was to see the Jesus trainer. Jesus trainer is really, not to be confused with Meghan trainer, but Jesus trainer is really a breakout star for this season. Yeah, this trainer ain't going to sing about being fat instead. But instead, but, oh, sorry. Oh, no, no, it's okay. I was just going to go on Jesus trainery things.

I love her. You think Jesus was weak, Tamara? He moved a boulder away from the entrance of his own grave. Jesus worked out. Hey. Do you know how much water Jesus drank every single day? You got to drink a lot of water and then turn into wine, but you can't drink the wine first. Jesus would have led Instagram. You know why? His abs.

Do you know when he walked on water, he did it with a barbell on his neck? You gotta get your glutes up, Tamara, if you want to walk on water. You cannot be eating those wafers. Those are carbohydrates. You cannot be eating those wafers those are carbohydrates you cannot be eating those oh lord so this the real episode opens up with a cross cut between shannon and david working out and kelly and her husband trying to put on slipcovers and i guess we're supposed to see both marriages and how they both kind of suck, but everybody's pretending everything's okay. Because that's what I saw. Well, the best part is the shot of Shannon working out.

I believe it was like the very first shot. It was half a second long, but long enough to hear Shannon go, yikes! Yikes, David! David. Well, I'm bending my ears, my knees behind my ears, dear, so I'm sorry if I have gas. She's like, oh, David. We are such a happy, normal family. No issues at all.

We don't have any more than 40 to 50 negative thoughts per day. And if that many, I definitely am not thinking about the woman on the beach that David likes to see. Instead, I think about getting on that treadmill and going on a brisk walk because, as we all know... If I run, I pee in my pants. I don't think about that woman that David left me for temporarily. Now I've got David into resistance training, and hopefully he'll learn to resist very soon. Ah! David! Hey, dear, if I have to put my legs up, I may have to pass gas.

Well, David! Ah! Ah! What a hilarious thing! David never used to have to pass gas. Well, David! What a hilarious thing. David never used to have to pass gas at the gym. Well, I hope you've got enough gas to pass ass, David. Ha! I love Shannon's, like, big, gregarious fake laugh when she's

pretending that everything's okay. Just two people wildly in love. Work it out! David. David. David. David. Spot me. Why won't you spot me? David. David. David. I'm gonna suffocate, David. Where'd David go?

Anybody? I had to go to the bathroom again to hear off the beach. Watching Shannon after she just did one of the most evil housewives things ever, which is set somebody up on camera. Yes, which she did do. Yes, which she totally, 100% did.

Don't even argue with me. You guys, not Ben, because Ben's not arguing. But she totally did do it. And that we have replaced the C word, which was one of my favorite words a long time ago, but now that has been replaced with cut fitness, because Tamara is such a cut fitness um i love that shannon is staring standing there trying to act all innocent and nice while wearing a shirt that says cut fitness yeah i mean this show really the

labeling i know it's our made-up label but still shannon's wearing the c-word shirt okay so uh megan goes to the doctor with her mom looking for hashtag knowledge thank god i have a mom since jimmy's not here again jesus everything is like a major event for her that she can't believe jimmy's not there i can't believe jimmy didn't go with me to costco i had to renew my membership it's a really important moment gosh gosh hey jimmy you want to do a FaceTime where I can show you the new version of the Costco card with my updated picture? No? Jimmy? Jim?

Really, Jim? Okay, yeah, Megan. Sure. Yeah, babe. Yeah. He says he's at spring training, but he doesn't have time to look at my new Costco card. Like, I don't get it. The mom says, wow, I'm so lucky. how many moms can say they were there for the conception

of their grandchild i thought honey this is orange county yeah plenty of them have you met lynn curtain that was a that was a laugh cuff uh so only in California would your doctor... I thought it was your Shambador, everything is fine laugh. David! David! David! This joke's just hilarious.

David, why aren't you getting enough wine? David! David! This joke's just hilarious. David, why aren't you getting enough wine? David! David! So, Megan is getting her eggs are being harvested from her ovaries. That's why she was bloated

for the past episode and a half. From the pebbles that are her ovaries. I just wrote, only in California would your doctor walk in and be like, hi, and give you a half. For the pebbles that are her ovaries. I just wrote, only in California would your doctor walk in and be like, hi, and give you a big kiss on the cheek. That's so LA, darling. So she's going through this procedure, which I imagine is not that pleasant, but I still

kept on snickering when she's like, I feel faint. I'm like, that's because you're on drugs, girl. Really, have a Pop-Tart. Did you forget to have your microwavable chinese food today um she got all drugged out and she's like i hate needles but i love drugs and she she starts going under with the medication she's like mom did you do drugs one time i did weed yeah it doesn't count if you smoke a dandelion.

I did weed. Oh, Lord. So they're looking inside Megan's womb with the machine thing that they do that with. I know people love it when we talk about women's reproductive systems. And then they went into the circle area with a pokey thing and there was a tube of some sort. They went into the equivalent of Megan's U-Haul storage locker unit with some crazy x-ray. This room has a lot of faux Tuscan furniture in it.

I bet there was a piece of gum and Adderall and some tape from the back of furniture that she was trying to pretend wasn't the ex-wife's. She's like, I took that piece of tape off the back of the off the back of that dresser that said Leanne. Okay, you caught me. I thought you were going to say Haley's homework was up there. Stock markets.

The only economics paper I got a D on. Eat it. So, and then she's going on and on about how Jimmy doesn't understand what a big deal this is. I'm like, he's had like 10 children. Yeah, he understands. He doesn't care care anymore he's paid like 30 million dollars for you so far why don't you give the guy a break okay she's like oh sorry go ahead no he literally tied off his reproductive system he doesn't want to do this anymore and you're forcing him like

you forced his sperm to come back in a time machine into your backseat of your car okay you got all you're gonna get from him he machine into your backseat of your car, okay? You got all you're going to get from him. He does not want any part of this. In some paint-stained trash can from a Home Depot. I mean, what the hell was that thing being transported in? And then she starts gossiping with her doctor because the doctor knows that crazy bitch Nina. Yeah, doesn't just know her.

That was his ex-wife? was so good she's like well she has quite a mouth on her and he's like yep she certainly does like that's one that's one way to put it she's like in the oc there's not even six degrees of separation there's like two there's like the doctor who works on your vag degree of separation and then the doctor who works on your tits and your face degree of separation it's like those are both thanks for explaining it i also like that when megan came out of the surgery she was all loopy she's like i had a dream i was at a quarry with jimmy i was like oh were you making heather's countertops heather's like get back to work dream megan heather is frank gruger she haunts people's dreams she's like here my house needs to be

done go get the car go get the marble colette's wall uh locked behind a wall of rose quartz i think it's sort of appropriate that Megan and Jimmy would appear in it. Like their dream destination. Literally, their dream destination is a quarry because I think they're both dumb as rocks. I just thought this is the saddest romantic dream I've ever heard. I like that

some people wake up and they're wet and then Megan wakes up and she's like, we were looking at rocks. You could basically hold up two stones and that's the sort of conversation that those two have. They have about as much chemistry as two boulders found at a quarry. That's the definition of a dry dream.

Hey, man. That's the definition of a dry dream It's true though, I can imagine what that dream was like hey Jimmy look at look at the corner look at the rocks over there Yeah, babe. It's a quarry. I'm just saying yeah, you say a lot of things I just I just want to show you the rock you have seen rocks before but we're at a quarry i'm just saying yeah you say a lot of things i just i just want to show you the rock yeah i've seen rocks before but we're in a quarry these are special rocks okay they're special gosh let's not quarrel in a quarry i keep going into my chef impersonation with her i keep going gosh that's just hard not to well megan has so far this season been doing that like wide-eyed like gosh she has kind of been doing that like ieyed, like, Garth! She has kind of been doing that, like, I don't even understand IVF. It's important. Thankfully, this episode,

we get a little of our old Megan back. Yes, thankfully. Thank God, I was so worried. But we'll get to that. In the meantime, it's Tamara and Vicky. Did you notice that Vicky was dressed like a pilgrim during this scene? No. I was looking at Vicky was dressed like a pilgrim during this scene? No.

I was looking at her. I was like, she's dressed exactly like a pilgrim. She had like a black top on, but like around the collar, it was like this big white square thing around the neck. It was crazy. I was like, you are a pilgrim right now. Brooke's got something. Something from a blanket. Somebody gave Brooke something from a blanket.

It's terrible. They're trying to take him out like the Indians. Well, you know, I'm trying to show my forgiveness, so I'm going to start dressing like a pilgrim and wearing a scarlet letter around. Except it'll be a C. Do I look good in scarlet? Tell me the truth. I'm going to be wearing a scarlet letter that says, whoop it up, whoop.

I had to go to Hawthorne the other day and I realized, oh my gosh, it's like Nathaniel Hawthorne. I could be scarlet letter. Vicky would so not know that. No, I really just took it to a level that's way beyond this show. Do you like how I'm getting all realistic now? Like, wait a second. Now wait. She's like, I had such a crazy dream last night.

I dreamt I went to a mine. That's funny because Megan dreamt about a quarry. God damn it, Megan! I don't even know what that is. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Megan, I mean, Vicky and Tamara. So Vicky and Tamara are trying to be friends again. Vicky likes Tamara.

And all the stuff that's happened, I have to say, is totally Tamara's fault. Vicky's a horrible monster of a human being, and a compulsive liar. But I think that Tamara has started most of the shit with her and Vicky. Tamara's there because she's pretending to be nice, which, by the way, I'm

totally buying it, batch, so far. I'm buying Tamara's transformation. It's like, she lost a belly button and gained christ i don't know what happened but it changed her life she's still a shit stirrer she's the one who stirred the shit last week so do you not remember that well she's not throwing it anymore you know she doesn't have to throw it she just has to stir it that's all she does is is stir it that's like that is her marvel superpower she is like she should be on the avengers honestly she could fix everything because she would just go up to the big alien guy whoever's the bad guy

and be like so loki i heard that the master of the universe bad guy has been talking about you and look like wait hold on one second he leaves earth and goes off to a quarter universe to be like were you talking about me mr hologram Hologram, giant person in a throne? Where all the X-Men kill each other in a room. All the walls are covered in blood. I fixed it, batch. Batch. Well, I think Tamra's going through the natural human evolution.

We started as monkeys throwing shit, and now she's in that period where she's a monkey stirring shit you know it's like soon she'll be baking the shit serving the shit you know then she'll own a shit themed restaurant i'm just imagining tamra now in the beginning of 2001 space space odyssey though the big monolith appears like that music plays and just this monkey looks and goes hey bitches look at this monolith let's knock it over bitch she would have made that movie so much less boring what is this space no one's gonna watch this batch how did you hear about that one monkey that killed the other monkey with a bone what a batch there's no evolution they just ostracize the monkey that has actually learned how to use a weapon,

and then it just dies off, and then we just stay monkeys the rest of the movie. The end. The end. If Tamra were around as a monkey, we would never have evolved. That's the lesson. And then she comes back as Hal. I'm sorry, Betch, I can't do that for you. I'm not going to shut down the space station just because of sorry, Betch, I can't do that for you. I'm not going to shut down a space station

just because of you, Betch. I like that there's no humans, but the monkeys still invented rocket ships. Yeah. Imagine if the computer was called Tamarin instead of hell. No. Okay, turn left. Just kidding, Betch.

I can read lips, Betch. I'm going to go put vicky out in space and lock her in the airlock batch hey uh tamra would you uh please play some 2b brothers for me no you loser batch well actually to be fair it really would be shannon who'd be hal because hal is the one who's like dave dave i cannot do that for you, Dave. He'd be like, David, David, I cannot shut this down, David. David, remember that Dixie song you used to sing, David? I'm sorry, I can't do that for you. Siri, please open my text messages.

Why would you do that? Who are you going to text? Where do you think you're going? Huh? I'm not good enough for you? You don't like this dinner? You're going to go out to dinner? What are you going to do? Where are you?

Is that chandelier fix? Still missing a bulb from the chandelier. Doot, doot. The space station would have a lot of chandeliers. Oh, my God. Okay. So, Vicky and Tamara, damn it. They're still trying to be friends with each other.

We're in the second scene. Tamara's giving Vicky dirty looks to everything she says and then vicky's saying really charming things like this like oh tamra wow thanks for coming to visit me here at my office oh i need a wife you know it's just someone i can dump things on with tamra's a wife it's got like a little shitty business not doing anything just wrote awkward because tamra was like yeah a wife right batch so they're gonna pretend to be friends again and uh of course tamra brings us like the other night was so crazy wasn't it crazy it's like one cuckoo met the other cuckoo and now it's like cuckoo cuckoo

and i'm like what cuckoo why does the clock keep going off vicky's like oh i love a good cuckoo joke and then we get a cut back then we get a flashback to you who you who you which yeah you know is even more amazing response of all time yes uh and then uh vicky well can you believe what david said to me i i went up and i said hi to david b do i don't have anything against David B. Doerr. Now I do. Yeah. Like, Vicky, you were an asshole in front of him. Okay, I've actually been on your side a lot. And you went up and you made a snarky remark about the man's

wife, and he had every right to say, shut the fuck up. And he did. And you know what? Unfortunately for Vicky, she just got the brunt of three years of David keeping all of his emotions throttled inside he's like they're all coming out now it was just like a giant splooge of david's emotions shut the fuck up that's what he's wanted to yell at shannon for two years and just all came out of vicky instead he's like stop using my iCloud you stupid fake bitch she's like wait

what are you talking what are you talking about what's an i nightclub, David? I almost went to Bethany there. I know, I did. Bethany's like, why am I even at this party? I don't get it. Like, why am I in Orange County? Like, what, people cursing? Like, dressed like Mrs. Roper? Like, I don't get it.

Like, literally, I gotta go. I'm too loopy. Okay, bye. I quit. So while Vicky and Tamara are rehashing, we're cross-cutting to Shannon and David rehashing. And Shannon's furious. She's like, so mad that vicky

had the audacity to imply that she was starting shit at her own party i'm like you were shannon it was all on camera it was blatantly obvious we love you but just oh this is such a good thing because then we're still cutting back a lot um so we go to kelly and her husband yeah and there she's like oh what a shit show this and that it was a setup it was an ambush they tried to hijack me which is the most hilarious thing i've ever heard like she's she's an airline um but she's going off and then we get then shannon's like can you believe she said she said my husband cheated on me? You should have cheated on me, David. Can you believe this? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So they keep talking about this. But then we actually get a clip of Shannon committing the crime. Which might have happened later in the episode. Which I think that's later. Okay. With Megan, right? I'll hold it. I'll hold it.

Oh, yeah, it's with Megan. Okay, I'll hold it. It's with Megan. So we're going to get back to that. But yeah, here's Shannon's giving her big defense. And then she's saying, well, I stooped to Kelly's level and I made a big ass mistake. Damn it. Damn it.

And then Kelly is saying, I never had an affair. Okay, get it straight. I was legally separated and I was engaged. That doesn't constitute cheating. I actually engaged. That doesn't constitute cheating. Uh-huh. I actually believe. I think that Kelly has such diarrhea of the mouth and she's actually, I think she takes pride in like just saying

ridiculous, awful things that I think she would be the type that'd be like, yeah, I had an affair and then just like laugh. It was amazing. It was ridiculous. Oh gosh, we got in the biggest fight, but yeah, I had an affair.

I totally had an affair. I was boning someone behind Michael's desk. it was amazing well she kind of does say that in a way um she was on tmz a few you know when they get them drunk coming out of parties we talked about it a little bit yeah yeah she said something i don't even know any black guys what are you talking about i wouldn't date a black guy but But then she also said, they said, where's your husband? She goes, who cares? I don't care where he is. I don't care.

He can do him and I'll do whoever. Like she said something that was a comment about how they have an open relationship and he could be sucking a dick for all she cares, whatever it was. But I think they're just in an open relationship. Yeah, I think she seems like a pretty open book. And I think that if she were having an affair, i think she would have actually said something about it i think she i think she's the sort of person that because she's so open she doesn't like when people sort of accuse her of not being open or like not telling the truth because she's so like she lays it all out there for better or worse uh usually for worse um yeah but anyway um then after all this back and forth then megan and heather go off to

the airport because in case you all forgot megan's going to dc to talk about colon cancer it's even less exciting than colon cancer it's colon cancer screening it's like jesus could you could you pick some lower fruit she she what she's advocating for funding for colon cancer screening i'm like well i hope you're not an orange county republican because that means more government funding so good luck with that good luck getting all your republican friends down there to fund for that look all i'm saying is ass cancer am i right guys all right crickets so thankfully we've been going on so much about little scenes in this show thankfully we've got these megan and heather scenes that are basically

nothing it's their whole time together fertilizing eggs oh god it's like you get the two most i mean no offense i'd like i'd like megan but oh she is she is kind of boring so you get these two together it's like all they do is bitch about their husbands who they're dining at these expensive ass steak restaurants because of, be quiet, you two. I mean, thankfully, we could just fast forward through this. Yeah, most of the Megan and Heather scenes we're just going to zip right through.

So then we go back to Shannon, who is going to Dr. Moon for some cupping. And according to Shannon, Dr. Moon for some cupping. And according to Shannon, Dr. Moon keeps the good energy flowing. I'm like, well, I don't know if he's doing a great job with that. You may want to look at a different doctor. Well, hello,

Mrs. Moon. She's like, oh, hello. Okay, okay. Okay, crazy lady. You come over here for your cupping okay so shannon's uh cupping for those of you who don't know because i didn't know it's basically like taking the vacuum cleaner and putting your nuts in it and then wondering why it hurts yeah it's like this it's just another sort of new age therapy of toxins and such moving toxins around and the blood flow and

moving the toxins etc i'm calling it now dr moon is fucking his assistant jennifer that girl i'm sorry but i know that all doctors have some young nurse that they're probably flirting with but this girl's lipstick is way too whorish for she is he's totally fucking her i'm calling it now you guys are gonna read that just remember that i said it first in comes gail from secrets and wives with some blazers i think you might be needing this right now bye i've got you a polyester pink sack to put over your head you little whore so shannon gets cupped which is great because it's basically an extended montage of her geez geez ow ow ow geez geez that was literally the whole scene and they were so funny how they did it she had to put her face she had to go face down and put her face like a massage table put her

face through the hole of the table david is this what is this this what your mistress did for you, David? Put your head in your lap like this? David? David? She goes, be careful with that needle thing, Moon. And he goes, oh, well, it's okay. It's basically the same as tattoo gun. She goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, no, no.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no. I liked when she described cupping because i i wanted to get this an audio clip of it but it was like too quick and there was like too much like music background but just to hear her say cupping she goes cupping cupping it's helpful so you basically suck some of her back fat up and all these different dots and then i guess pokes holes and all the toxins are supposed to come out i didn't see that i didn't see any toxins coming out i was like imagining i was imagining like what would what it looks like when the ghostbusters

box opens up and the ghosts come out all of my air sl. All of my negative memories popping out of there. It's like slut ghosts. It's like Ariel's voice getting lured out of her chest. That little slut Ariel. That's what happens when Dr. Moon cups her. Finally, I got rid of that little Ariel slut once and for all. David, David. David's not giving you legs. David, David.

David, David. I'm done. Negative thoughts. Keep going, Dr. Moon. Ow. Ten negative thoughts. Ow. Seven.

Oh, those poor unfortunate souls pain and need oh thankfully guys Megan and Heather are having dinner fast forward fast forward like I feel like I look like a prostitute well you do live in Orange County no actually this is noteworthy

because this is hilariouseworthy because this is hilarious she's once again complaining about jimmy and she's like she like i think it was either before she's having surgery or right after she got on a call with him and he's like yeah i was playing golf and she's like oh like sorry like and he's like yeah i was doing really well but then i had to answer the phone to talk to you. She's like, I get it. I get it. Like, he's in Florida, and that's, like, halfway across the country. But you're two days off, and you're playing golf.

And then, of course, Heather. I totally understand. Did he do this on Mother's Day? No. Doesn't count. Sorry, doesn't count. Okay. Anything else bugging you?

Because, Terry, this house, I do everything. Was this one of those golf courses that you have in your foyer, like the one we have? No. Oh. Okay, did Jim let you spend $19 million on kitchen cabinets? Yes or no? Yeah. Okay, fuck you guys.

You're happy. What are you even talking to me for? Hey, have you finished those countertops in your dream yet? We're behind schedule. Neither one of us is ordering anything, right? Let's just go. Yeah. So then we go to Kelly and Michael, which every time I say it, by the way, it makes me laugh a little bit.

It makes me think of life with Kelly and Michael. But we go to Kelly and Michael in the kitchen, and it's like, oh, look at Michael. He doesn't listen. But I was actually mad at him because he burned, like, an entire tray of steaks uh it's like oh look at michael he doesn't listen but i was actually mad at him because he burned like an entire tray of steaks it's like that's expensive you can't just do that you asshole he pulled a monterey from food network star just for the steaks yeah so kelly is just he just said that steaks were on fleek he would have won the entire show he's like okay honey i finished our yes steaks girl fleek popping she's like, okay, honey, I finished our, yeah, steaks. Girl, fleek popping.

She's like, wow, that was really good. So she's kind of complaining about everything. So it's family dinner. The brother comes over. Mom has a new wig. I don't know. I think it's a new wig, right? It looks good.

Yeah, it was actually, the coloring was a little bit better. It was a little more like a dirty blonde. Not dirty, like a, I don't know what it was. It didn't look as platinum. It's on little more like a dirty blonde. Not dirty, like a... I don't know what it was. It didn't look as platinum. It's on straight. It's not like... It was looking less like Sia and more like you know, year 2000

Catherine Zeta-Jones. Some streaks. The mom's so funny. Streaky Zeta-Jones. She's wiping the ambience. She just snorted off her nostril. You know, she's always looking like, like, you only know she's still alive because her head kind of bobbles

and her earrings swing back and forth. She has such an adorable ferret face, and I'm not even saying that to be mean. Like, it's adorable. Like, I think it's an adorable little ferret face that I like. Yes, and she's in the OC. Shannon has, I mean, Heather has the gerbil face. What does Tamara have?

She has hamster face, right? Yeah. No, no, she has the possum face. Here's the thing. I try not to make fun of women's faces unless they've done things to their face. So this woman, she actually does not look like she's had any surgery, and I applaud her for that. And when I say that she has a ferret face, I mean in the best possible way it's like it's really just like very cute sort of like yeah that's a cute one that's like someone has a mickey mouse face like who's gonna

be mad that's like the cutest thing ever i mean possum face those will sit on your garbage can and steal your shit and hiss at you you know so it's fitting for tamra but so either way the mom was a voice of reason she may not know stateitals, but she has an idea of what it takes to stay on a TV show or how to be a decent human being. And she's like, well, maybe you just have it wrong about Shannon. Maybe you should, like, just apologize. And, you know, you're not seeing even the real Shannon. You barely know her. Maybe she's not even really that person, honey.

You just got to talk to her because here's what I know. You can't forget until you forgive. And a new day comes tomorrow. And sometimes you gotta be down so you can stand up. And that's the way the cookie crumbles. I know you're spilling

and crying over spilled milk. Am I right? You know, a breakfast sandwich will crumble all over the car unless you've got it in a paper towel. You understand what I'm saying, honey? She's like, no, not really, Mom, but thanks for eating that burnt steak and pretending it didn't suck, Michael. So speaking of food, we then go to Tamara and your favorite, Miss Mia. I got it.

This proves that praying works because I got Trainer Jesus. And you got Trainer Jesus to yell at Tamra to say shove an egg in your mouth. Tamra, you need to eat. Do you think that Jesus didn't eat? Of course he ate. The most famous picture of Jesus was

his last supper, okay? Protein was a big deal to him. He caught fish. Did he have a bite of bread every once in a while yes but just a bite you never saw him eat more than a bite of a carb tamra it's like it's a painting it never changes just pretend that hard-boiled egg is a wafer and chew it up. So Tamara is getting her swim back for her walk down the crazy muscle lady contest. And how rude that she's not even using one of Lizzie's bathing suits. That is really rude.

Oh, slam. You really could have helped that poor Lizzie girl out. I mean, at least give her one scene where she can come in with some Tupperware and take whatever catering is at a party. Poor thing. Yeah. Poor thing. She spent all of five minutes designing her latest bikini. You got to help her out a little bit.

And in another moment where I swear these people watch the show, they're getting the swimsuit design. And she's like, oh, my God, you want that one? It's like Frozen. You could be like elsa i'm like oh good we're not doing it okay you can't pimp us into things from the television just let it go already yeah no kidding do i want to build a snowman no i don't i've already built that snowman 30 000 times okay people do i want okay, people? Do I want to build a bitch? Do you want to build a bitch, man?

No. No. So she basically has to practice walking in stilettos, which is hilarious. And she has no belly button, which I still haven't read the article why. I'm assuming body lift which seems like it should be illegal if you're going into a body competition but whatever um and then what was her other thing she's like thank god for jesus trainer i mean she's really helped me get closer to god batch like a foot closer because these heels are so high batch

so then we cut immediately from tamra's workout thing to lazy ass Abraham Lincoln sitting his ass down in Washington like usual. Lazy fuck. Not getting any cardio because it's time for Megan to give her speech. My friend Leanne, my friend Leanne. I mean, it was a nice speech. It was fine. It's a serious thing, and it was a very sad topic and you know you don't cancer is cancer etc and it just was a boring scene that's all there's nothing to say about guys like you don't have to die of this

okay because it's a curable disease leanne didn't die in vain and you guys aren't gonna die in vain either like when you die i'm gonna be like they came to my speech and like people are going to remember you because i'll be talking about you i'm like uh please stop talking about us dying it's like you know what we also need to have screening for for husbands who care enough to show up for when their wives have their eggs fertilized so i noticed there's a lot of women here no husbands huh i totally get it it's a big deal for me you know colon cancer screens are a really big deal almost as big deal as it is for me to have jimmy be there when i'm taking on his sperm and now they're from the audience screenings are a big deal to me too for example it's a screening

of my sitcom with reba mcintyre i met the guy who makes the rolled tacos for that frozen section at the store shut up ether but um megan megan's telling us i was really proud of myself because like this year i've been through a lot like Like, I know someone that had cancer. Like, I have IVF. You know, I'm proud of myself. Okay. Yeah, great. I learned how to use Snapchat to document me giving myself needle punches. The other day I washed my hair.

It's been a huge, huge year here. Justice! Finally finished Hayley's homework. Brianna. Brianna Hayley's homework. Brianna. Brianna getting a remodel. So Brianna, we're in Brianna's house that Vicky bought and

it's kind of funny. I was actually surprised that she had the kids running around because it was a construction site. There were holes in the floor and sure enough, Baby Troy went and full on tripped through one. But what was amusing to me was how they're trying to figure out the design and and vicky's like oh well you know you could take that thing out there and put in a pantry you're gonna need a pantry and brian's like yeah but i need a double double oven

i was like all right brianna like you know for some reason that comment just really irked me like i would love to have a double oven myself but i don't think anyone ever really needs one even if you have kids right like for some reason i was just like you know for as much as brianna's always like talking about like how her mom's always like always throwing this stuff at me and i don't know it's like yeah but you're the one who's like made a double oven a necessity i don't know i will only eat certain things so i have to make them in different ovens mom did that did that like rub you the wrong way? I mean, I still love Brianna, and she is the most sensible person on this show. But when she said that, I was like, I don't know.

I just felt like. Yeah, I started thinking really rude things when she said that. That's why I'm keeping my mouth shut. I was like, you're in constant pain. You're like 50 pounds overweight. The last thing you need is a double oven, okay? You need no oven don't even get a pantry okay you need a little drawer full of fingernails for yourself to buy it

on i know i think a double oven's nice and my parents have one and it's lovely but i don't know i kind of felt like for some reason it felt inconsistent with her character and i can't even pinpoint what what it is it's not like she goes around acting like she's super humble or anything but um i i feel like there's always this vibe that she doesn't like like her mom just imposes all this stuff on her and she doesn't need it she can just be herself but so when she said but i need a double oven it was like a very heather dubrow moment for me yeah in a very minor way my mom this really just and this isn't even a funny story i don't know what i'm telling it but my aunt just bought a new home in Texas. And we were looking at it.

And my mom walks into her kitchen. She's like, well, this is nice. Where's your pantry? She's like, oh, it's there. She goes, that's your pantry? That's a coat closet. She goes, no, it's a pantry. And my mom's like, that is not a pantry.

You're going to regret that. I was like, what? So rude. And then she walks to the other room. She's like, well, this is nice. That pantry, can you believe that? That is not a pantry. You're going to have chips just on the counters.

There's going to be chips on the counters. You watch. Like, that's our big thing for the day. Like, the pantry police. So I was cracking up at this because Vicky was doing the same thing. She's like, you need a pantry, Brianna. You need a pantry. Like, where are you going to put the bread?

There has to be a pantry here. Well, she's right. You do need a pantry. I think you need a pantry before Brianna. You need a pantry. Like, where are you going to put the bread? There has to be a pantry here. Well, she's right. You do need a pantry. I think you need a pantry before you get a double oven. Only we could talk this much about double ovens and pantries. I know. I'm, like, literally thinking about it now. Like, it's going to be with me all day.

Does she need a double oven? Listen, I would love a double oven. I would love to have a double fridge. You know, it reminds me of the barefoot contessa is it um is it how easy is that or foolproof when one of her cookbooks she has this section where she gives like hacks you know like how to make like you should always have you know like two sets of uh measuring spoons or whatever like this is what you need to do to make your kitchen experience more efficient and wonderful. And one of her hacks

is like, oh, and be sure to have two dishwashers. It's literally in the cookbook. You won't believe how important it is to have two dishwashers. It's such a time saver. I was like, what? Have you ever lived in an apartment? Oh, just get another time?

Get another dishwasher. Here's a hat. Get a chef. Hire someone to cook for you. Yeah, she literally has in one of the recipes for how easy is that, it's like foie gras. Foie gras is famously one of the most difficult things.

You have to do all this very careful work. She's like, it's simple. It's simple. Just get some foie gras. Simple. Just get a goose and raise it and be sure that you shove the food down its throat so it's sure to overeat. Then when it's plump, knock its head with a brick and make sure that you bury the stomach part of the goose for a week. Then get a plastic bag made out of sheep's

colon lining. Otherwise Dora Bot's just fine. So Tamara comes over because she's still straining. It's like she can't walk around in stilettos all day. So she comes over to the house and she's like well I pulled away from

Brianna a bit because you you know, like, I wanted to be respectful, bitch. I was like, how is it respectful? And also it's your friend's daughter. When should you be friends with your friend's daughter in the first place? And why would it be more respectful to Vicky than everything you did to Vicky last year? Even though Vicky totally deserved it. Don't get me wrong. But she's worried about being respectful to Vicky. year even though vicky totally deserved it don't get me wrong but um she's

worried about being respectful to vicky i am so sure listen girl you can rewrite a lot of things you can't rewrite the bible which means you can't rewrite history bitch uh but you can rewrite the bible because there have been like different versions yeah different versions but she's uh she's shown up with a gift for brianna and this is how much tamra actually thinks about other people she brings her like a size two tank top what who's gonna wear that yeah and it says what does it say it's like it said like i'm a strong-ass bitch hang in there 31 5 from proverbs 18.2. Hang in there, bitch. I'm the baddest bitch out there, bitch.

Exodus 3.2. Those cats hanging from trees on office walls stole that from Jesus, bitch. So while that's going on, Baby Troy manages to go lock himself in the car. And they're like, ha ha, Baby Troy's locked in the car. I'm like, this is actually a very serious situation. Vicky was at least treating it. Oh my god, how do I get into my car? Baby Troy, I went for that car!

That was my car! Of course, another man trying to take what I worked for. Isn't that shit keyless? Why would you buy a new, what is that, a used? Girl, if that is a new car, that is keyless. And why did he have the car keys in the first place? From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey.

And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less.

In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold,

a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society

that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Because he had them on the counter.

This is like one of those 1960s Disney movies, you know like where the guy turns into like a shaggy dog the shaggy dog when he was some some crazy thing or like that that one about the duck the bird or whatever it's the kid in the car yeah he's driving away you gotta find the kid baby driver so she's freaking out he they finally open it but I like that Brianna's cracking up that he's locked himself away from Vicky. And she's like, oh, God, he's my savior. Like, Ryan. Like, he sure knows how to keep Vicky away.

Like, you're so nice, Brianna. Mother's Day cards. That's kind. So Kelly calls Shannon. Kelly's over at her house. And she calls Shannon because her mom was giving her all that wonderful advice. Like the dawn of a day is a day that you live, you know, so you just go outside. Okay.

Thanks, mom. So she calls Shannon and Shannon's like, hi. Hello. Hi. I love frosty Shannon on the phone. Oh, that's the best. Hi. Okay.

And Kelly knows how to work her kind of at least at this point because she doesn't say you want to go to coffee she's like hey shannon it's kelly would you be willing to meet me for coffee that would be really nice of you to do that if you would meet me yeah well sure i mean do i want to go no no she goes uh okay She goes, uh, okay. Okay. All right. Okay. So Kelly is determined that she's going to go to this lunch or this coffee or whatever. And she's just going to agree with whatever Shannon says and take it and just forgive.

Because that's what people do. LOL. Yeah. Thankfully, it's time for Heather and Megan. Oh, thank God. Oh, I was going to say. I was going to say, toasting with some non-Colette method champagnois.

I thought you might need a schlern, huh? Stupid Heather. So, Tamara calls and basically, she's going to have a party. Was this during when Heather and Megan are? Oh, yeah. This is when Heather and Megan are still together.

Yeah, yeah. She calls them. And she's talking about how she had a good moment with Vicky. This is amazing. Yes. Amazing. You say it. So, yeah.

Megan's like, yeah, I had a nice moment with Vicky. And they do a flashback to the 70s party. And Megan is telling Vicky about how bloated she is. And Vicky goes, oh, you poor thing. You should go home. Yeah, it was really good. That was her moment. Oh, geez.

Well, from someone who's married to Jim, I guess that is kind of warm. Go home. Go. Oh, it was amazing. Well, you don't want to be here. Guess what else? No one else wants you here. Go home.

You should go home, you poor thing, where you're wanted. So they end up talking about how Kelly and Shannon shannon are gonna go to lunch and heather of course with no life of her own whoa what whoa um acting like this is huge deal and then that turns megan this is where we get our justice girl back i'm so glad that megan's back she's like well you know at that party i was standing there with my mom, and my mom asked me why it smelled like peanut butter on top of rotten eggs. And I was like,

I don't know what always smells like that with these ladies. And then Shannon came over, and she told Nina and Jackie, and then they cut to it. And she's like, Nina, Jackie, it's time. Could you come with me? Are you ready? Are you ready with me? Are you ready? Are you ready for this?

Are you ready for the ed-up-say? Did you do your warm-ups? Okay, come back with me. Alright, don't look at anybody else She does it on camera It was pretty damning. I mean, in a court of law it wouldn't stand up, but it was pretty

damning. Yes, and Megan knows court of law, it wouldn't stand up, but it was pretty damning. Yes, and Megan knows court. She knows law because she's like, well, did I hear or see anything? No, I didn't. But all I know is that she called them away, and it didn't end well. And it was suspicious. So now, of course, everyone's like, whoa. And no one's surprised because they know that Shannon totally did this.

But I just wrote finally a fucking case. Matt Mock is coming back out of retirement. But the difference is that Megan likes Shannon now, which is the strangest thing ever. So she likes Shannon now. So I'm afraid she's not going to go in at full force. One thing we've learned from these shows is that these women never forget each other from the first stupid fight they have. And I don't think that she has ever forgiven Shannon nor

would she Shannon still isn't she's not like oh hi Megan it's Shannon just calling to see if you're doing well how are your charities that's not the kind of friend she is she's nice to Shannon so she won't have this crazy old lady yelling at her that's the kind of friendship that is so

she's ready she's like all right let's toss her toss her over absolutely now so now the main event at the osh center or wherever the hell they were where were they they were at like some hardware store getting coffee so bus boy i mean a gardener come over like uh could you move i need to to cut this plant. She's like, yes, I will have some wine and some tea. Thank you. They're like, fine. It's all self-serve. Like Lowe's. Like you hear Gene Hackman's voice.

He's getting it out of that tiny fridge that's in the checkout counter. Thank you, Shannon, for meeting me here at the Lewis Holman Garden Center. That's all right. Oh, Shannon. She's like, hello, Shannon.

Thank you so much for coming to meet me. That was very big of you. I'm having a glass of wine. And Shannon looks at it like, glass of wine, are we? What does she mean, big of me? is that a reference to the weight i've gained that's been sucked into the cups of dr moon oh who do you think you are yeah so she's drinking tea and uh wine which is hilarious and she goes would you like to order something and shannon goes well okay if someone comes around i'll get something if heather's friend alfredo comes around, I'll get something. If Heather's friend Alfredo comes around, then maybe Jess.

So, she gets right into it. Kelly cannot help herself. She does not start off, at least based on the editing that we saw, she does not start off on an empathetic note or a let's move forward. She goes, so, you're friends with Jackie?

How long have you known her? She was fully going into police interrogation. to move forward she goes so who do you have so you're friends with jackie how do you how long have you known her what's the deal like what she was fully going into like police interrogation yeah three years oh so you guys are friends huh what do you talk about uh what's that like what do you talk about and shannon well i did i come here to be on the witness stand no i didn't come here for a cross-examination missy and key. And Kelly is then in this weird place where she's saying things like, The moment I saw her, I knew that you knew that I knew her. It's like, what? Huh? Kelly says she told me.

I need to unpack that statement. Yeah, she told me that she knows you and that you guys talk. And Shannon's like, well, okay. Well, I talk. So sue me. Why am am i gonna be in trouble with the entire town one time i said hello to the postman did he ever bring you a bill from somebody i suppose that's my fault kelly so kelly then does sort of like uh like she does she does actually kind of do an amazing political move like if she were running for office she actually

would have a chance because she was pretty deft at this moment because Shannon started getting all mad about this. And she's like, she got really mad that Kelly called her ugly. And then Kelly goes, I thought your outfit was ugly, but not you. And then Shannon goes, who cares?

You look like an Indian. I was like, ooh. And Kelly goes, you just insinuated that Indians are ugly. And you know that, you know, you know, Shannon just hates being gaslit,

even though Kelly was actually right. Yes. Shannon totally looked like she knew that she said something really stupid. Yeah. I mean, Kelly got Shannon to do like a massive unexpected trip up. Yes. And then called her on it.

And now she really had Shannon squirming. And Shannon goes, well, if she wasn't Indian, her name would be dances with bullshit. I don't even know. But the thing is, by the way, Kelly didn't even look Indian, whether dots or feathers. She didn't look Indian at all. No, I don't even know. Shannon doesn't even know what she's talking about. She thought she would just she thought she would this girl was going to apologize.

She even says, I thought I was coming here for an apology. And here she is. Yeah. Who is this person? And by the way, it wasn't like the Native American look sort of in in the 70s. Wasn't that like a thing that was going? Yes. Poor, poor Shannon.

And Shannon also gives a very political answer because she's like, well, what are you accusing me of? I would never have a party just to stir stuff up. I would have one to roller skate and enjoy pet rocks and lava lamps. And if something was stirred up, then okay. But like, she's very political too about

how she words it like I didn't only have the party to fuck you over okay yeah exactly and then Shannon starts talking about how Kelly called David a pedophile and all it just you know they just start going at it again and and then then Shannon is

totally riled up which is amazing that's the best and she's like you announced at my party that my husband should have had an affair with me. How dare you? Maybe I should get you an etiquette book. And then Kelly goes, oh, maybe I should get you an etiquette book. Yeah, great comeback, Kelly. Karen Huger pops up. Did somebody say etiquette book?

Rule number one of etiquette books. You don't ask for them. You receive them i framed you a xeroxed copy of the rules poorly i had it faxed over to me so shannon oh she's like yeah well i said he should have cheated on you but you called me an adulteress in front of the whole party and she's's like, you called my friend ugly. Well, she is ugly. That was amazing. She is.

You don't call people ugly. Well, anybody would talk like that to someone who's ugly on the inside. I love how they're parsing their answers, but it's only after they've already answered so terribly. So, so good. And then Shannon goes, who the fuck do you think you are?

And she goes, is that etiquette? Meanwhile, everyone at the Lowe's Home and Garden Center is scandalized. Yeah, like, I've never seen this kind of behavior in us. Don't dare these ladies. So here's where it gets weird. Kelly is being volatile, yes. And she's being defensive like a teenage girl, yes.

And the stuff she said was incredibly rude. And yes, when they met, they show clips of when they first met. Shannon's giving her the cold shoulder. And she's making tasteless jokes trying to make Shannon laugh, which don't work and offend her. Okay, so we get where they are. making tasteless jokes, trying to make Shannon laugh, which don't work and offend her. Okay, so we get where they are. I'm not excusing Kelly, but I felt for her because Kelly looked like she was about to start breaking down sobbing.

It's like she's got this woman, and we know Shannon does it because she's done it now to, what, three people? Where she takes a younger person, she's mean to them, she treats them like shit, she ignores them and tries to cold shoulder them every single time. This is not new behavior. And Kelly's like, bitch, please like bitch please like let me just i'm trying to apologize to you she goes yeah i apologize to you you're supposed to forgive okay you're supposed to accept the apology this is hard for me yeah and jen's like well if it's hard for you then maybe you don't want to apologize after all maybe you're not ready to don't do it i can tell you this much do i trust you no and then shannon you judged me the first time you met me and i did not set you up both

both are full of shit kelly did not judge you when she first met you you judged her and you did totally set this up you're on camera setting it up Kelly even says she's willing to look the other way she even says if you say that it was not a set up that was not what was happening then I will believe you and that was Shannon's moment to be like fine

she was letting Shannon off the hook and Shannon was like well you're not right I apologize and then Shannon did the best thing for me in this whole scene because look me in the eye right now and and you tell me i'm a liar and then she looks her right in the eye and shannon looks away like david david you're so hilarious where Where's David? Is he around here or something? She couldn't do it. She is so full of shit. Yeah.

She goes, Kelly goes, look, I just don't want this. I don't want this negativity. And she goes, yeah, I don't like negativity either. That's why I cut it out of my life the second I see it. Unless I'm married to it. In which case I put it in a Zumba class and, you know, learn to get over it. Yeah. One year at a time.

I'm not a quitter. I don't cut out the negativity when I'm married to it, and it cheats on me. But for everyone else, especially if you're a woman and you're younger than me, goodbye. I'll tell you this. The red flags will be waving when I see Kelly Dodd. Okay. I still don't totally understand Kelly's first joke to Shannon when she met her. They flashback to it a lot.

When she looks at this phone that I guess has pictures of all the kids and she goes, University of Spoiled Children, whatever. Like I really don't understand why she said that. Like I don't get the joke and I don't understand why she ever thought that was a smart or kind thing to say to somebody who just met her. Because didn't it say USC – I mean us university of southern california i thought oh never mind okay i get it okay i get it so i thought it was like her alma mater usc thing i thought she was looking at a picture of her kids i was like wow that is pretty rude oh maybe i maybe i've got it wrong but i thought it was no no you're right you're right it's probably a joke it's probably a joke people say the way everyone has jokes about okay so shannon really originated most likely in the 90s and kelly's calm down it's like us

like everyone has school jokes you know and because like she was like successful if it had been reversed she would have been if she had said oh university of spoiled children kelly would have been like yes oh my god the kids are so spoiled in orange county or would have laughed or something like yeah they all talk about how spoiled their kids are but shannon knew when she knows a new younger person is cast she's gonna auto hate them a then she knows this jackie girl they live in the same neighborhood so when she when Jackie, who obviously wants to be on this show, right? The Jackie and the doctor's wife, Nina, both obviously want to be on the show.

So they're all gossiping about it with Shannon in the neighborhood. And they're like, that girl's a bitch. She's cheated on her husband. This and that. So Shannon's meeting this girl already just thinking, you're a slut and a whore and you've stolen a wife or whatever. You've stolen a husband or whatever.

So she was just being mean. She was being a rude bitch. And Kelly was being a drunk idiot, but she wasn't being mean to Shannon in that first episode. Kelly needs to develop her friendship with Tamara and get Tamara on her side, and she

needs to also get some protection with Gina Keough because Gina will always go to bat for her. Well, I don't know. I don't see why you're giving her such a hard time. I think she's a sweet girl. I don't have a problem with her. Sometimes you just got to learn to stop beating people up in the street, Shannon.

Yeah. You know, she's an asshole, but, you know, she tries, you know. Girls like one of those pots it's just full of shit sometimes you pour enough water on it and the seedling starts to grow and you'll get a plant that's what i always say yeah so uh so that was pretty much the episode yeah that was the end of that and it looks like it's about to hit the fan again because she does do what you said she becomes friends with tamra and then tamra starts meddling and then shannon goes after tamra yeah yeah shannon shannon is still one of my all-time favorites but um she is not playing it right this season and therefore she should get

her comeuppance and have some course corrections that way she can come back into my good graces yes well shannon she's in there is still one of my favorites, but she's just cray-cray and she's usually not right in her fights. She's almost always wrong. She's kind of a jealous asshole human being, but I still laugh my ass off whenever I watch her. I love to watch her.

I think she's paying too much attention to her image now because she's trying to portray this Cam you know, Camelot existence with David and it just is not feeling authentic. Yeah, it's like Camelot. You know how much JFK cheated, right?

Yeah. Okay, so that ends the Real Housewives. Like Camel Plop. Camel Twat. Yeah. So let us move on to the real housewives of new jersey wow so the real housewives of new jersey guys wow such an exciting episode so much didn't happen yeah not a lot happened we probably don't have to go scene by scene for this do you want to just

talk about the people or you want to go scene by scene for this. Do you want to just talk about the people or do you want to go scene by scene? What do you want to do? I wrote a lot of notes, but they were really about nothing. It was just like, okay, now this is happening. Now this is happening. Yes. A gay guy not wanting to pick up shit in a store. Those are my notes.

How about this? I have notes, but it's not a huge amount. Why don't I just drive it and we'll just drive it through my notes, which should be pretty quick, I think. Okay. We'll just drive it through my notes, which should be pretty quick, I think. Okay. So the episode begins with Melissa at Envy with Jackie, her crazy co-manager. They're getting ready for the big launch of their boutique.

This is about as low stakes of a storyline as I can imagine. Like, wow, she's opening up a boutique in suburban New Jersey. Like, no one really cares. The most exciting thing that happened is that there was dog poop on the floor, which actually makes this place already significantly more classy than posh. Yes. The fact that there's only one turd as opposed to about five.

And I'm loving the guy who works in the store. He's like, I have to clean that up. I'm not going to clean that up. And she's like, I need you to be better with the girls. You know, it's hard. There's all these girls. They don't listen. They're like, ugh.

Meanwhile, we have this totally staged scene back at the homestead where Joe Gorga is trying to do work, but the kids are out of control and running around in dirt and tracking in dirt. He's like, back in the 1800s, the women stayed at home and the men went hunting. Oh, gosh. This is, it's just, it's like, it's so uninteresting. Like the men, they used to bring home the bacon. And now we spray tan to be the color of bacon.

And our wives are rather like making stores with our money. Like, what the hell? I didn't sign up for this i'm so stupid meh so um then we have tree she's going she's driving with her lawyer somewhere she winds up being that she's going to do her book on tape biggest online rumor is that she's boning her lawyer i mean come on people the lawyer looks like the mother from The Sopranos. He just sort of does look like a giant lesbian. So, Therese, she winds up going into New York City. There's all these rumors about Joe cheating.

I don't even know where those would come from. Cut to Joe at the vineyard talking on the phone. Yeah, now my wife is coming. Such a bitch. Boo, boo, fucking boo, boo. Cut fitness. Boo, boo, boo. Yeah. Where'd those rumors come from?

I don't know. She goes, hey, listen, if Joe was cheating on me, I'm sure that the girl would have come out by now. Yeah. Good. So then,

so she gets to the studio and we meet like the producer of the of the book on tape he's like hey girl hey girl hey well i just wrote why did theresa get lip injections right before she goes to read my audio but her lips are enormous they're still numb you can tell she can't even move a little she's got these huge lips to record an audiobook do you understand what an audiobook is no actually i don't think she understands anything that has the word book in it unless it's bookie you know the only part she's read is the front cover that she's not even shown yet and uh this girl hasn't read her

own book she certainly didn't write it well i feel bad for anyone who's actually bought this book on tape because this is how they had her start up they're like okay why don't you start out uh by reading the uh the dedication she's like okay so she's like figia gabriella melania and adriana i am so proud of you especially for your strength and grace. Oh, my God, I'm going to cry. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I'm going to cry. Could you imagine hours of listening to her read her book like that? And then the next day I went to jail.

It was lots of jails and bars. And I had to go in an orange jumpsuit, which didn't look good on me. But I thought I would get used to it. So I wore a jumpsuit all around everywhere. And then at lunch sometimes there's your food. And the food wasn't very good. But I'd have it anyway. And I'd think about my girls. and the girls made me cry a lot.

It's like the end of the night when there's no more programming left on the TV. It's just boo! Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma- read the book because she starts reading it and she's like I don't like the dating of this book to my daughter, Gina. I'm gonna cry. I'm gonna cry. These are good. It's why people read it at these, right?

Where I get more of these. And then she's like and then later on, Teresa goes upstairs to go meet with the publishers which is hilarious. To me, this is like a scene out of Trading Places or whatever. There are all these women, these publishing women who work at the publisher. And they're all sitting there like, hey, Teresa, it's so wonderful having you here.

And then here comes Teresa from literally the other side of the train tracks or the GW Bridge. And there are these, like, women who are, you know, sophisticated, affluent, whatever, and they are smiling, this fake smile because they know they're on camera. Oh, God, those smiles were so fake. And they were all so fake and so bored. And Teresa's going on and on. She's like, yeah, I really think that the book, Turning the Tables

is a great metaphor because I flipped a table once, but now I'm turning it around because I'm putting the table back together. It's like my life. I take the table and I turn it around. It's like turning around my life. In prison, I had tables, but they couldn't be moved. Now I'm turning around the table. It's like, yes, Teresa, we get the metaphor.

Turning the tables. It's a pretty basic metaphor. I'm calling it that because, like, I want every little girl across the United States to know that, like, you can still be a girl. And then, like, sometimes you'll make a mistake. You know, like, when I went to prison, I was so scared of all those ladies. But then I realized that, like, they're normal. Like, they're like us. They're like you or like me. Like, we make a mistake sometimes.

And they're like, uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes. Aren't you just darling? It's like all those mistakes that we've made that are going to possibly send us to prison one day. Yes. Yes, we get it, honey. Keep talking.

Yeah. Get it, honey. Keep talking. Yeah. So meanwhile, while this was all happening, Jacqueline and Siggy met somewhere where everyone was whispering. And she's like, well, I don't know if I can stay here because I'm going to talk loudly. Everyone's whispering. I'm going to talk loudly.

What kind of place you got to go where you got to whisper all the time? I'm not going to whisper. I love to talk. Oh, like I can't even have a conversation with my daughter because she's always on the phone what is that talk talk talk talk talk talk talk i mean these teenagers like having a son's different because he doesn't even talk but he's still on his cell phone it's like you want to talk to him he's masturbating to his cell phone it's like jeez like he's got hickeys

like look what he's done to me right now he's probably on the phone he's masturbating phone with right now he keeps it in his room i don't even want to touch it like if there was a fire in the house i wouldn't even use his phone to call the fire department. It's disgusting. And then she turns to the waiter and is like, we'll have some french fries, please. I like when she goes, when did parenting become this difficult? I'm like, weren't your parents

forced to raise you in a basement? You know, I could be tough to anyone, but I can't be tough to my daughter. It's tough. Yeah, well, in the basement, at least there was no phones. So, Siggy's big thing is she's wondering if it's too soon to let out her inner Yenta, which is not that inner. It's pretty outer. She's like, I was wondering if maybe I should go tell Teresa.

Like, so, I mean, read all these rumors about your husband. And, you know, if you have any issues, you know, you can always talk to me, because I'm a relationship expert. I've been on today's show to talk about relationships, you know, because I'm really good with them. You know, I've been in two marriages already, so I'm an expert. They're done to charm my right chest. Just kidding. Jackson's like, I wouldn't

do that. She's like, okay, I'll do it. Yeah, because we're going to go rock climbing, so I just want to tell her, like, look, Teresa, I've been reading all these articles. I hit my mic. Teresa, I've been reading all these – I hit my mic. Teresa, I've been reading all these articles about you and your husband. Like, what is he, cheating? Like, where is he? The guy's crazy.

Like, can he even play cards without this guy cheating? Jackie's like, no. No, no, no. Stay away. Stay away, Siggy. Okay, I'll just say a little thing. You know, it's in my nature. Yeah, I'm the Sig.

I'm the Sig. Oh, I'll just say a little thing. It's in my nature. Yeah, I'm the Sig. I'm the Sig. Oh, why? I do it. Why would she think that someone who's been married since they were in eighth grade or whatever needs your advice on – Who she just met. You stupid Siggy flicker. flicka so i'd like to also add that interspersed with all of this with the scene and with the with the the stuff with the book we are continuing to have joe gorga struggling at home with blueprints with the kids and yelling at the kids i mean i don't know why they kept going back to the scene

it did not advance the story in any way it wasn't anything new it was so stupid and so so like overly produced like the little girl puts the dog in the in the sink it's like it was some 60s sitcom you know jan brady moment it was just so awful why why are you doing this to us this is why we hate jersey sometimes because it's just stupid shit like this that no one cares about yeah most of the shows are really really fun even if they're doing stupid things uh and then they get more fun when they're fighting because it's only sometimes but when they're always fighting or they have nothing to do in their regular home life scenes what's the point i mean melissa gorga doesn't seem to do anything ever i don't believe one second of anything she says she never seems to be a real

person at all i just don't get her her. I want to do her husband, but otherwise I don't really get it. The only thing that was notable during these scenes was when their little son turned to Joe Gorga and was like, make me some food, you woman. I was like, oh. Looks like his future is going in the right direction. Like father, like daughter, am I right?

So Dolores, so we get the kid trying to give a bath and then we go to dolores i just don't want any attention like like seriously i'm dolores i don't need attention is my hair look okay so she's talking to her kid okay i fall in love with her kid this her daughter like her odd yes her odd daughter is giving her guinea pig a bath and dolores is like is that how you do it like you just put it in the water like that she's like yes mom that's how you do it she's like i'm having hot flashes yeah and i was like i was i had i like started a stopwatch i was like how long before dolores starts a monologue about her entire past and sure enough she's like you

know with rabbits you know it's good that you know how to do a rabbit, how you know how to wash a rabbit. You know, I never knew how to wash a rabbit because I never had an education. That's why I always said to you, when times are tough, get an education because I don't have an education. You've got to get an education. You know, it's like when I first met your father, I didn't have an education. I thought I would get a living education. And then when I met my fiance, I thought I'd get another education,

but his education wasn't as good as your father's education. And then all of a sudden, next thing I know, I'm in another house. I'm back again. I'm just focusing on me, you know, and I want to get an education for myself. Mom, you're scaring the rabbit. All I want is to see you in two homes that, you know, Dick didn't build. That's all I want for my daughter. Mom, no matter how many times you do the monologue about your past, none of it ever makes sense. Just stop doing it.

Talking doesn't educate you, Mom. So she, I thought this scene is going to be terrible. We have to watch another pet get bathed while Dolores talks about whatever. So I opened the door and walked outside on my patio to have a cigarette. I live in a 1920s building, okay? So you can hear everything, which is horrifying to learn recently so i'm i let a cigarette out there and then i hear the daughter start talking and i'm like oh my god i'm coming back i put that cigarette back out and came right back in what a fake out i thought this

scene was going to be terrible and then the daughter's like yeah well definitely college you know i want to be a vet like i i went to this town once and this you know i saw this girl like she had to fix this cow and she had her entire arm in this cow's uterus basically had to fix the cow and i thought i gotta move because there's no cows to fix here and i was like this is my spirit animal i love this girl she's like the very first time i saw city slickers i knew i what i wanted to do with my life and she's got those wide you know when smart people just look at you like they're kind of robots and they give you that like a hello human that kind of look where they're trying to understand i love that she has that look with her mother and her mother doesn't

even know what to do with her because she's so smart and she's like yeah mom i want to follow my dreams like getting my arm inside of cow's uterus you know what i mean her mom's like she's like how do i relate this to my past you ever thought about putting kleenex in your bra that's what we used to do in high school when i first met your father you know i put all this kleenex in the bra and then i didn't realize that some of them were used and i had mucus all over my boobs and i was like this is crazy and then when i met you know my next man he was my fiance gosh he loved the mucus on my i was like gosh now i have to blow my nose and put in my boobs all the time i was like i can't i realized this was not meant for me so i went back to my first man and now we know we're just friends now mom shut up mom we're talking about cow uterus. Are you a lesbian? Tell me the truth.

Speaking of cow uteruses, we then go to Chris Lareda talking about how he wants to – he has now started up a popcorn company called Little Colonel. And all I can think of is this can be just black popcorn. It's popcorn that's black. Oh, God. So Jacqueline is like, I don't care if he has money or we go broke. He didn't have money when I met him. I mean, he had $5, and I walked away with it in my vagina, you know? So I don't care.

Like, we'll be fine. He's like, your boobs make me feel better, babe. So then his other part of the story is he's doing this popcorn thing, which you just mentioned. And he has to go in the city to look at his advertising campaign. Yes. Which basically they Xeroxed a bunch of skinny pop. A bunch of skinny pops and tried to make it that, say, Little Colonel. He's like, I need it to be more fun because here's what I'm going for.

Like gluten-free, dairy-free, you know, for autistic kids. You know that, A, popcorn doesn't have gluten. And, B, gluten doesn't cause autism. He's like, I want to get back to the autism. He's like, I want the autistic kids to have a snack. What the holy fuck is happening on this show? Well, what I thought was amusing was that he was dealing with a marketing firm that clearly is the same one that he dealt with with blackwater

because they had little bottles of blackwater in the background blackwater and um what i liked was that he was he's like i want it to be fun i want to be a fun brand like okay great we were thinking of going for a military style. Here's some camouflage. Like, of course, the people who advocate for Blackwater wanted to be military. That is gold. Well done. Well tied. But it still was hilarious to me.

Like, how? Why? He has something. He has a really cute name. Little Colonel. Oh, I get it. Little Colonel, like a military. Oh, my God. Blackwater.

That is so good. For the people who brought you Blackwater comes Little Colonel. Oh, that is so, so good. That's coming out with some lock-a-locks called Chaney. So then there's also, so whatever. They just have this scene, whatever. And then, again, through this, now we have, there whatever and then uh again through this now we have a there's interspersed with this there's joe and melissa having another scene about the envy

launch he's like this wasn't part of the contract you're supposed to stay here and make dinner and she's like it's not a big deal joe i thought you'd be happy for it no i want you to stay here joe joe stupid yeah then we have siggy um siggy is at home and she is like the loudest most overbearing mother. She's like, okay, Sophila. Sophila. Sophila. What are you going to wear after this party?

No, no. You got to put on some – go put on jeans, Sophila. No, jeans. No. What are you wearing right now? What are you wearing? You can't go out. No, go take out that top and give it to a two-year-old.

Why do you have so much makeup on your face? Why do you have so much makeup on your face why you have all that makeup like well you realize that you look like you just like raided a clown makeup store so you it's called like mother like daughter she is so funny i'm loving watching her and that's how to do a home scene right there she just totally schooled the gorgas because that is just her being with her kids she's not even doing anything except bugging her kids although it was hilarious she should be careful when she barges into a teenage son's bedroom you don't know what you're gonna find on the other side of that door oh i have to do a little interrupt here news early apology early apology i looked up gluten-free autism which is shockingly not a snack yet. But I have to say that from AutismSpeaks.org,

many parents of children with autism spectrum disorders report that behavior improves when their children eat a diet free of proteins and gluten and casein. So there you go. I was actually really wrong. It doesn't cause autism, but apparently gluten can. It can help getting rid of gluten. So I take it back.

Sorry, everything I said about autism and gluten. Okay, everybody, calm down over there. I feel you about to rage off the road. I felt it. Okay, sorry. I'm like killing it Let's talk about autism Sometimes you get things wrong

That's what happens That's why I'm an expert There goes your phone again I'm so proud of myself I know someone with cancer And also I looked up gluten and autism Okay Justice

So Teresa goes rock climbing with Gabriella, which is cute because it's like so rare that Gabriella gets like her moment in the, in the spotlight. It's always Gia or Adriana or Melania. Rock climbing. She's like, all right, this one I'll take it to.

And, and tree war. I believe those were wedges. I'm not sure, but they were definitely not rock climbing shoes. But, of course, still had no problem making it to the top in like a second. Like, I did it. So the ladies meet up and...

Siggy comes in first. Siggy is so funny with Teresa. Yeah. I'm loving her. She's like, so I've got some questions. So is Joe cheating? Because that's what they're reading everywhere. I don't know. I've got some questions. So is Joe cheating? Because that's what they're reading everywhere. You know, I don't know.

I don't know. I see so many things. I'm a relationship expert. You know, I'm on Today Show. I can't tell. You know, like my daughter, she can't get off the phone. I can't. You know, my daughter's on the phone.

I'm looking at all these magazine things. I'm like, you could see these magazine things if you weren't on the phone. The magazine say that Joe is getting his dick sucked by somebody. Is it true? Is it not true? I don't know. Why do I care? I care because I care about you because I'm a friend.'s what siggy is siggy's your friend theresa she cares

theresa's like this lady's crazy i like her yeah exactly listen once you got the sig you got the sig for life okay you're addicted um when she said when she's like and then you know i'm telling jacqueline i'm like, Jacqueline, this is crazy. Like all these stories in the news about Joe getting his dicks up God knows where. And she goes, oh, yeah? What did Jacqueline say? Like blink, blink, blink, blink. Her crazy psycho blink starts going, Jacqueline, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink.

She goes, oh, Jacqueline? Oh, she said it wasn't true. She's like, oh, okay, good. Slower blink, slower blink. Yeah. Watching Teresa almost go over the edge with those psycho blinks is one of my favorite things this season. I can't wait to watch her finally lose it. I know.

It looks like it'll happen next week. In the meantime, I think my favorite part of the episode happened when Dolores walked into the place. She just walks and goes, oh, God, I'm not even gonna. That's just what she does. I'm like, that should just be her tagline. She just turns around and goes, Oh, God, I'm not even gonna. I have to point out that this

gym is called Ute Gymnastics. The fuck? E-U-T-E. What does that mean? Ute. I'm not even fuck? E-U-T-E. What does that mean? Ute. I'm not even gonna. I'm not even gonna. I don't know why I wrote that down. I was obsessed.

I'm not obsessed to look it up. I'm not even gonna. So let's see, dad. That's the name of Dolores' gym. It's called I'm Not Even Gonna. Not even any machines. You're just going to walk in and say, oh, God, not even gonna. And you walk out.

I'm Ziggy Flick flicker welcome to my podcast i'm here with my special guest dolores author of i'm not even gonna dolores how are you today oh i'm not even gonna am i right ah calduruses i'm not even gonna my daughter my daughter she she one moment you know she's uh she's washing a rabbit. Next, she wants to pull something out of a cow uterus. Like, I'm not even going to. So speaking of cow uteruses, we're back at Jacqueline. Isn't that weird?

How do we always end up back at Jacqueline after a cow uterus? So Jacqueline is stressing out about what she's gonna say to Teresa like what what am I gonna say is does she really want to be my friend does she not want to be my friend like I don't get it like I don't understand what's happening with Teresa nobody cares and her daughter's like mom Teresa's a stupid bitch okay that's it and Ashley is not having it Ashley is reverting to old Ashley very quick. Yeah. So Ashley thinks that she later on at the Envy event, when they're waiting for Teresa

to get there, Ashley tells... I guess... So Teresa had texted Jacqueline and was like, Hey, are you going to be at the event? And so Ashley's like, she only texts you if she knows that you're going to be together at a group event. If you're a real event, she'd be like, What are you wearing? She would have texted you early. Which is such a stupid thing to say. If she're a real event, she'd be like, what are you wearing? She would have texted you early, da-da-da-da-da, which is such a stupid thing to say.

If she was a real girlfriend, she would have been asking you, are you there yet? What are you wearing? What's everybody doing? I was like, do you have one friend like that? I mean, Ashley is the product of Jacqueline because that's exactly what Jacqueline thinks. So when Ashley says that, of course, Jacqueline's like, yeah, she's not a real friend. Shut up, Jacqueline. You guys are building your friendship back. It's a totally acceptable thing to text.'t make me take theresa's side again you keep making me do this i don't appreciate it exactly so she's supposed to

show up at your house unannounced with cold coffee not everyone is that kind of friend jacqueline okay yeah so let's see so melissa's getting ready for the big event and her sisters, Lisa and Kim, come by and they haven't really not had screen time in quite some time. So they were like, if only dad were here. I know they're still on season Melissa's first season script. They're like, daddy, remember dad? He loved you, Melissa. We know, girls. OK, move on. So then we get to the envy party. And again, my favorite part is when Siggy walks in and she's like looking at the clothes.

She's like, gorgeous and gorgeous. That would have been so proud of you. You know, like when he was here, you were a hoe selling yourselves in hoe clothes. But now you're selling hoe clothes in your own stoves. That's amazing. Sorry, I don't know what I thought of that too late. I'm not even gonna. I'm not even gonna.

Sorry. I thought of something really stupid and way too late. Okay, Ziggy's coming back. Wow, look at this. It's a store. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. And gorgeous.

Gorgeous and gorgeous. I'd like a side of french fries and gorgeous. Hey, was this boutique opened up by the law firm of gorgeous and gorgeous? I'd like to open up my own boutique, but I tried calling it Ziggy, and they tried charging me so many taxes. No, they thought it was a cigarette store, girl. No, this is just clothes. You know, everyone always says, Ziggy, why doesn't your life turn out well? I say, no, that's Ziggy, the cartoon.

I tried starting my own phone app called Flickr before you know what, I got these lawyers threatening to sue me. You know what they always say, my friend Flickr. Gorgeous and gorgeous. Hey, where's the french fries? This is all nice and everything, but where's the french fries? This is all nice and everything, but where's the french fries? Oh my god. I'm not even gonna. By the way, the lawyer's here,

of course. Yes. So Chris decides that he is going to call Judais to get together because we never had a problem with each other. You know, we always kind of liked each other.

You know, Blackwater, Popcorn, you know how it goes. Little General. So who cares? So they do a fashion show. Yeah. Rosie walking around in a rug jacket. I mean, that looks like a bathroom rug

that she was wearing. Yeah, I mean, that looks like a bathroom rug that she was wearing. Yeah, I mean, well, it's Rosie. Step up from the black button down. Yeah, it probably literally was a rug. The only thing she was really wearing was the hat from the store. Yeah. I think this is the first time we've seen Rosie

wearing something that was not from the Ina Garten collection. Love her. It's like, look at me. I'm in a rug jacket. i'm crazy i love rosie so teresa shows up and she's up doing the red carpet for the first time she brings gia and the lawyers at the party oh man gia is gonna be trouble she is so her mother she has been in front of those cameras from too young of an age it really makes me crazy

seeing her on the red carpet and i see you you look beautiful and she's like um thanks yeah gross mom so then um so you know of course joe gorger of course as we all knew joe gorger was like you know you did a good, and, you know, I gave you a lot of hard time, but I'm so proud of you and you're wonderful and da-da-da-da-da. Oh, yeah, right. So basically – I act like, you know, I do everything. So I just wanted to tell you, babe, like I see how hard you work. Now please go to the bathroom and wipe the P dots I left on the seat, okay, babe?

Oh, Joe. seat okay babe oh jowl so then um then the episode ends with the scene of theresa and joe judas doing yoga and you know they're just doing yoga and he's pretending to humper from behind which is a really unpleasant visual that i'm sure will be turned into yeah look at this position who cares yeah you like it in your butt yeah this is yoga yeah yo yo ass i get fucked in jail right i get what are you gonna do about it, yo? So then. I got to loosen my nuts up, huh? So then Teresa does this moment where it's kind of like lip service to be like, see, I'm a strong wife.

And she's like, you know that if you have a cheats is that there's no forgiveness, no forgiveness whatsoever. If you have a cheats is. And he's like, he goes, well, hmm. Hmm. Hmm. All right. Yeah. So, okay. that's a vote of confidence there on the cheating front uh you're leaving me i'm going to prison for years and then being deported to italy yeah bye okay bye what you can do what you can do what are you gonna do jeez i'm not even gonna so chris calls uh oh theresa she's like yeah like uh oh i'm sorry i'm looking for what i was gonna say oh theresa yeah you know marriage it's like for better or worse for sickness and health for blowjobs don't count in jail i do you know

yeah chris calls joe and invites him to dinner and i love how the difference between the guys and the girls on this show the girls are like well you know my feelings blah blah blah and then ring ring chris is like hey joe hey yeah we was thinking maybe you guys could come over for dinner yeah okay bye click yeah that's really what none of a stranger we only invites me to dinner when it's on camera it's weird i wonder what his real motivations were i don't know if it was sincere i don't know if i should go anymore it was just like yeah a stranger. We only invites me to dinner when it's on camera. It's weird. I wonder what his real motivations were. I don't know if it was sincere. I don't know if I should go anymore. It was just like, yeah, okay.

A real friend would have been like, what are you wearing? Do you get blowjobs in jail? You know, they would have made an effort. So that is the end of New Year's Day. Shall we skip on over to the happy, peaceful finale shah's sunset that's so persian like homegirl she's like keep going with the season but like that's like such a white thing like persians are like let's have a season finale some people know how to end it we blow up pictures and then like paste them on the wall it's so persian this is crazy so this one we can definitely go through character by

character but we definitely have to mention the fact that it opens up with that engagement where tommy is blubbering mess and vita is just is just so nasty and so mean and even when even after tommy comes over to her and he's literally like i love your daughter so fucking much i hope you can accept me and he starts to cry oh do it but they also showed tommy getting drunk he's like i'm so nervous i've got a drink you know like you can't have some hair of the dog till you drink the dog you know what i mean so he's like getting wasted basically then he pops this surprise without asking the moms what you knew was going to be a problem but he also knew she would probably say no and then he's making out

with mj after mj just gave a speech about how her mom can suck a dick and then she threw her birth control pills into a casket or something and now he's making out with her drunkenly and rubbing her tits yeah like you know like i know vita's a bitch vita's a bitch but this is this is really a bit much and could you imagine going up to the woman like the mother of like your future wife the mother who has not accepted you yet and saying i love your daughter so fucking much i mean could you imagine saying that what an idiot he's i love tommy but he's an idiot he's just a big old putz. He really is. And Vida, she's like, oh, oh, M.J., we are over here. M.J., do not surprise the most important thing in your life, mother. The mother, the most important thing in life.

So he give you a ring and you say yes and this is it? Yeah, that's how engagement works. And she goes, what is with his behavior and asa goes well you know he had a drink and she goes babe he had a drink babe babe babe and she goes well i don't like him anymore this tommy you know if i like him even a little tiny bit i don't like him now and asa goes wait wait wait vita are you happy right now and she goes yeah asa is so ridiculous i know i love when vita though puts on her yo mama hat when she's like, does anybody has magnifying glass so I can see the ring?

It's true. It's true. So, so funny. And then Reza, you know, that comedy career still on the tipping point. He's about to blow through, guys. Reza's like, Vida is like a honey badger. Like, she doesn't give a fuck, okay?

Really clever one. Timely. Timely. Mentioning a YouTube video from five years ago. Well done, Reza. And badly. Getting it wrong. Okay, so... Blah, blah. We can skip through a lot of this. MJ

finally meets with the mom, with Vida, at, of course, a dessert shop. Magnolia Bakery. I have the pudding, please. Pudding. I'm sorry I'm late, mom. She's like, yes, you was late. Where were you? May I ask where you was?

She's like, sorry, I was just was just late okay so they order the uh the stuff and they start they start and she's vita i'm looking for this in my notes which is why i'm blind blind magnolia pudding i just need to search for pudding they got they got pudding putting in like like five cakes i don't remember probably a Oh, yes. And MJ is like, well, you know, that was a crazy day. And she goes, yes. No, MJ goes, it was a big day. And she goes, yes, a very big, small day. And she goes, Tommy ruined it for me.

And she said, don't hurt Tommy and insult him. He deserves better, Mom. And she goes, oh, now you're on his side? Then you want to go be with Tommy and Torleen and forget about your mommy? She's so manipulative. It's crazy. And then MJ says, well,

my mom, Vida, is really afraid that I'm just going to abandon her one day, just like I said I would last week and like I'm saying now. I will abandon this bitch if she tries to cock block me one more fucking time oh it's pretty much these two are like crazy but at least they're more interesting than resident adam who spent like a chunk of the episode going to palm springs and so he was like i bought a house sight unseen. How crazy is that? And then they go in. It's a whatever. And it's like, we should have kids.

I don't want to have kids. It's like just stupid fodder. No kids should be brought into that union, by the way. And also why is it unsurprising that Reza is in bankruptcy now? He owns three shitty properties all over the place. Yeah. And he's like buying properties that people are not going to pay the rent

for. Yeah. I wouldn't. If I'm going to palm springs to rent i'm not staying in that that crappy little place i also have friends who just bought property out there and um reza saying he went on the phone and fair or he was on the phone and bought this property sight unseen with cash for 59.9 and then you see it no honey 59.9 is not the same in palm springs like you should have gotten something way better that is a ghetto ass apartment yeah it was not good fugly bad deal bad deal bad bad mike and reza hung out who cares they can't they just have a stupid talk they they ran and mike is now out of shape out of shape like coughing up meth or whatever. But I just wanted to point out that Mike is wearing a hat that says Defend Paris

with a big gun. What the fuck is happening on this show? He's been wearing that hat for a while. He was wearing it in Belize and everything. Jesus, it's creepy. I don't like it. So they talk about this BJ video, supposedly, that Gigi has.

Oh, yeah. So we'll see. They're talking about that and there's also us wait by the way i just want to say also really cute scene with asa and her mom because you know i love asa's mom i actually like asa and uh they um you know they open up okay magazine and there was like a piece about asa captains and the mom was so happy and even though Asa okay we open the pages are you doing what are you doing the thing that Asa always does whenever

something happy happens she goes which I know is probably like a cultural thing but I just always I actually think it's really nice but it's's just, but it also makes me chuckle. She's like, because she does anything. They're like, so I got the mail today. Ah, in a magazine. I really do. Even though she can be an asshole, I like in like in an unwitting way. I actually think she, I think her intentions are really good. Yeah, I don do. Even though she can be an asshole, like in an unwitting way,

I actually think she, I think her intentions are really good. Yeah, I don't, I'm not a hater of Asa. It just makes me create, look, any friend of, anyone who's always standing next to Reza and being so supportive,

they're just as bad in their own way. She just has a way of keeping it off camera. And I also don't like that she helps stir everybody up against whoever Reza tells, or Reza,a i'm terrible whoever resit tells her i just don't like that but i mean she's really not that bad i like her she seems like a nice girl yeah i guess i probably said i hate her like 30 times huh you have yeah well he knows today Today I feel fine, okay? I go with the wind. So then ultimately what everything boils down to is that Asa,

you know, she visits Gigi and takes a picture of Gigi with a selfie, yada, yada, yada, but it all comes down to this gallery, this opening, an exhibition of Asa with all these pictures of all her friends and different stages of relationships and it's called like together because like babe we've been together for like

17 000 seconds you know babe so um so we're at this gallery and there's pictures of everyone and some are better than others like i have to say i was not a big fan of the mj and tommy pictures not because they were naked but just because they were just like really shitty photos yeah they were pretty bad yeah they were bad but so everyone's there and everyone's with mike and annalise like the miche's shadow is covering her face and i know you know you could look at that artistically and be like well she's getting into a relationship with someone who's always going to overshadow her. But she didn't mean it that neatly. She just didn't even bother to get

good lighting. Like, this is not... Out of all the talents that you've tried to cultivate over the past few years, this is not one you should stick with, okay? Yeah. Sell that thing. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So,

right now, Reza is in a tizzy, by the way, because he's still going off about Gigi and this sex tape that she sent. And he's like, she hasn't apologized to anyone. She tried to go off on you. She didn't give you an apology. You should be mad. I'm surprised you're not mad, Asa. She doesn't give anyone an apology.

Like, okay, settle down, Reza. You haven't apologized to anyone for your bullshit that you've been doing for five years now no kidding and so he's mike is my brother uh how many times have you tried to ruin mike's life and his reputation and his marriage and his relationship how many times did you try and ruin mj who's supposedly your best friend how many times have you tried to ruin gg you've been nothing but terrible to Gigi the whole time that you've known her. This guy's terrible. And a lot of the people are really morally bankrupt assholes on this show. But that guy is the worst. Yeah, he can show up. And even though it's Gigi, start going after a woman and screaming like that.

And then, well, we'll get to it. You know. Yeah. Well, I mean, so it's a fine moment. Everything is going nicely. And all of a sudden, this delivery guy comes in with a bouquet. And this is already feeling so fake. My first thought was, I thought it comes in for Asa. And I thought it was from Jermaine Jackson Jr. I was like, oh, he's saying, I'm sorry, I can't be there for your exhibition. Oh, poor Jermaine's head. It's the back of his back of his head it's a romantic picture yeah he does not want to be on this she was on for like one second two seasons ago and he's like never again so um instead it's

this apology that's like it's like dear asa sorry for like being so immature and trying to jump you and speaking so much shit behind your back i I'm trying to grow up. I'm trying to apologize. Signed, Gigi. I've called you a tranny and even jumped you. Yes. So already I'm like, this is fishy and weird. This is obviously the work of Reza being

shifty. And then everyone gets a bouquet and everyone gets a really overt apology. It's basically clue because everybody at the beginning of clue they've all come they've gotten these letters they don't know who they're from it's like this big huge mystery and his name is mr body too by the way yeah so they're all reading these apologies and they're like wow this is so nice and they're all like having a moment and then like people are like hugging someone like people start to hug gigi and there's even some tears and gigi's looking she's sitting there and her she's like

biting her her lips she's pissed and you can tell this did not come from her and yet she doesn't say anything and while they're kind of taking credit because she's already drunk she's like uh-huh just nodding like uh-huh smiling big like i'm off, uh-huh, smiling big, like, I'm off the hook. She just thought a producer did it. Yeah, so I was like, oh, okay, I guess she did do it, because she's saying, like, yeah, you're welcome. And then Reza, when she doesn't give a reaction, Reza's like, uh, hey, guys, you know what's crazy? I decided I wrote these apologies, because since she's incapable of doing it

I did it And it's me being a friend Because she can't use her words So I'm going to do it for her This came from a place of compassion And hope I'm like oh you are such a little asshole Like don't even try to frame this as compassion

This came from a place of passive aggression And assholery This was so incredibly mean That and assholery this was so incredibly mean that he would do this so nasty so funny how asa immediately tries to start spitting his bullshit and she's like listen babe like if this was for me like i would say okay thank you reza you know thank you for doing that and then i would own it and say like those words maybe they didn't come from me babe but like babe i mean them you know because thank you for doing that. And then I would own it and say, like, those words, maybe they didn't come from me, babe. But, like, babe, I mean them, you know, because, like, this is your power.

This is, like, the time to take this and make it your power, babe. Yeah. It was so shady. And it was, like, why? If I, I mean, I thought it was, like, actually pretty deplorable that no one turned to Reza. I was, like, this is so mean. That was so nasty of you. No one turned.

Instead, they just were, like, Gigi, no, Gigi, like, make it your own. Like, make it, like your your own special thing. And Gigi is like, I mean, she's like humiliated. She's she's drunk enough as it is. And like, listen, Gigi is a disaster. She's always been a disaster. But you can't go on talking about family, family, family. And this is just not how you deal with that. You can't. This is not how you deal with that problem it was just it was so the entire season

they've done nothing but gang up on fucking gg first it was let's take a disaster and she is over exaggerating her issues well the first one was you're an alcoholic which no one on this show has no one isn't maybe asa because i don't think we've ever seen her drunk. But the rest of them, you're going to call her an alcoholic? Like, you were the one making out with gay strippers on a bus on camera. Yeah. Then, like, blatantly cheating on your husband. Then leaving him while you went to Thailand. MJ, I mean, Jesus Christ.

We've seen her wasted. We've seen what Mike has done. They're all terrible, and they're going to take her out. Except for Shervin. Except for Shervin. Except for Shervin. Well, yeah. He's a gentleman. Give him time.

But they're going to all take her out and do this to her where she's stuck in the middle of nowhere. So she was fairly big about that, I thought. Yeah. Then that worked out. So they're like, oh, shit, now what do we do? Now it's her faking her disease. So she makes it through that. And then now it's this. And Re disease so she makes it through that and then now it's this and reza's

pissed because of this blowjob video which which look who would take a video of themselves getting a blowjob from reza it's like it's like videotaping your lowest point yeah i i agree and i think like yeah i mean juju did say it but it was it was like a stupid thing and it was coming out of the fight and on top of that it's nothing compared to the nasty shit that Reza said about Gigi for years and years and years even at the time when it's been warranted it's still like it's nothing

and for him to act in this way and she's right he's been coming at me over and over and over again about this bullshit and now he does this it was so obnoxious. And to Gigi's credit, she kind of controlled herself for like five minutes, which is a world record. She also made a very

good point because this is the end and this is a very good end so I don't want to interrupt you when you get to it. But she made a very good point when she's like, all of these things that were in these letters are things that I've already apologized for a hundred times. She has. I mean, it's sad that she's had to apologize. You I've already apologized for a hundred times. She has. I mean, it's sad that she's had to apologize.

You know, she does have to grow up. She is a disaster. Don't get us wrong. She's a total spoiled brat disaster with anger management issues that I think that she almost – I don't think she actually tries to work through her anger management issues. She's more like, well, this is me. This is my nature. So like da-da-da-da-da. tries to work through her anger management issues she's more like well this is me this is my nature so like but that being said she's apologized for all of it before and in fact uh we have a twitter poll uh at what crappens on twitter on the season finale of shah's whose side are you on visa v

bouquet gate 40 we have 91 votes not a huge, which shows how much people really care. 41% are on Reza's side, but 59% are on Gigi's side. So I think our listeners of this microcosm, this sample, agree with us. So then things get really funny, though, because Adam and Reza decide to leave. And as they're walking out the gallery, Adam's like, hmm, I think we should go out to dinner tomorrow night. You know, like total team gay. What do you think about going to the macaroni grill? I don't know.

What do you think, Reza? And so they're walking out and Gigi just decides, you know what? Fuck this shit. She takes off her shoes and she just goes running out of the gallery to charge these guys.

And Shervin's trying to hold her back. But Shervin is no match for angry Gigi. She goes bursting out of the gallery. Adam is still standing by the door. And she just collides with Adam. And his little bouquet of roses goes fluttering in the air. He goes, ah, Gigi. I love that Adam's keeping the roses.

Like this is the most romantic thing that's ever happened to him. He's like, well, you kind of did get them for me because I'm holding them for you now. So that's so romantic. Let's talk about it tomorrow night over dinner. And he's like, GG. The flowers go everywhere, like an explosion of flowers. It was just hilarious of all the people. She flies with Adam and then Shervin has to hold her back.

I mean... I just put typical Reza using Adam as a human shield. Yeah. She's coming! And then Reza goes after her, yelling like a Muppet. You stupid bitch! How could you do this? You stupid bitch!

And charging her. But he's gotten so fat that he can't get he can't walk in his suit he's like waddling to her angrily oh good and the security makes him back away yeah and reza put up a picture of like adam's scratched neck on social media it's on our facebook page someone uh someone posted it i'm sorry i don't remember who did but like i'm sorry reza you started this you know she's anger problems you're the one who decided to humiliate her in public in front of all these people it's mortifying poor girl is like a drunken mess as it is there are ways to handle situations this was not it yeah he's a horrible fucking human being i don't find one redeeming thing about this guy anymore and i of all the people that we can hate on bravo and we have hated and loved many people

especially me i love to i love to rage and hate at stupid people usually i'll come around and love them i hate this fucking guy so much hate him everything about him i hate and i hate that he does this at his best friend's event again it's the second event he's ruined of hers absolutely absolutely this season alone he's gross and mike is like well you know these people are like atoms you know everybody's a bottom to reza is what he should have said that would have actually made sense he had a really really janky metaphors like you know we're like an atom, you know? Like, you know, because like the molecules may change, but like, you know, the electrons, they sometimes go to the proton.

But the atom sticks together. I'm like, no, you're mixing everything up. It's just important that at the end, one atom forgives another atom so they can get back inside each other and promise, you know? Like, forgiveness is forever. And like, you know what I mean? No. No one knows what you mean, stupid. Stupid. And then Reza.

At the end of the day, these people are my family. And I wrote, yeah, exactly. Because you don't talk to your you don't talk to one of them, at least. Like, let's make a list of people in your family you don't even talk to. Ass. Yeah, ass.

So, on that note, that was a fun, fun episode. And long, too. Yeah, it's my turn to wrap it up. Everybody, that is the end. For all our links, come over to watchwhatcrappens.com. Come to facebook.com slash watchwhatcrappens to talk shit with us during the week about the shows as they air in our live show threads. And thank you to everybody who supports us on Patreon. Our bonus episodes are all there.

So if you guys want a piece of that, just go to Patreon.com slash WatchWhatCrappens. And our new Bravo Gossip show is now on TuneIn. So check it out at TuneIn.com slash WatchWhatCrappens. All these links. There's so many links. I know. So many links. We're just spitting out now and the la pod fest yes that shit will all be on watch what crap and stuff we don't have pod fest info yet but we will have that up there um on our facebook page and you can find all these links at watch what crap and stuff you guys we love you we will talk to you next time bye everyone hey prime members you can listen to watch what happens ad free on amazon music download the

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