Watch What Crappens - #3191 Southern Charm S11E09 Part One: Just EscarGOT

Episode Date: January 29, 2026

This is part 1 of 2It’s Austen’s birthday on Southern Charm, and Craig shows up at the WhoreCore birthday dinner to gift him with the knowledge that he’s done nothing with his life except fail. But hey, the steak was good! PS escargot is a mushroom, right? To watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, and get ad free listening,, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello and welcome to watch what Crapins. I'm Ronnie. That's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hello, Ronnie. How's going? Good. Hi, everybody.

Welcome to the show. It is Southern Charm Day today. Go grab your tickets for the Golden Crappies one month away, February 27th in Hollywood, California, at the Fonda Theater. Get your tickets at watchworkcrapins.com, okay? streaming tickets are going on sale next Wednesday. So we're excited about that. And so voting will also commence.

There will be two rounds of voting. And that starts Wednesday as well. So you can find that stuff on our socials. Watch what crapans.com. Patreon. Patreon has a new newsletter. It's free to everybody. It's basically a weekly blog on what's going on on Bravo.

That's super fun. And any news or whatever. We're going to be doing the South Beach Food and Wine Festival in the middle of February. That's going to be super fun. If you're in Miami, come check that out. And I think that's it for that, right? What else do I have to say? Oh, yeah.

Just go, yeah, Patreon's where you get everything. Newsletter, add free listening, bonus episodes, videos of all our recaps. And that's that. But today is emotional fulfillment. Yeah. It's hugs. It's huts with words. So now we have Southern Charms, Season 11, episode nine, best friendemies forever.

This is the big fight episode. This is the one where in the season premiere, the entire season began with these knuckleheads sitting here having dinner and screaming at each other. And I always assumed they were in a private room because the way they shot it, it looked like they were in like a dark, sumptuous private room. But I was so shocked to see that they were just in a strange banquette in the middle of a crowded restaurant. I was like, so these guys were screaming in the middle of a restaurant, which is like, perfect.

the course for Bravo, but I don't know, it just seems so much more embarrassing to me once I got the full context. I don't know if anyone else had that thought, but I was definitely thinking it. You know, there's something sad, I think, about these four guys together. You know, it's like you see the four guys. They call themselves the core four. I call them the whore for the whore core. But there is four guys. They have all of this opportunity for vaginal fulfillment all around them because they're on a TV show, and they are never going to give that up no matter what. You know, it's like a key to go to any bar in Charleston and get laid as long as they're on TV, and they are never going to give it up.

They're just not. And seeing them on, and that's fine. Look, I'm not a marrying type either. I love being single. And that's just how I live. So it's not like I'm dissing the lifestyle. It's just that I know that they're doing it. I'm doing it because my auntie Lulu was an inspiration, and she was the only person in my family who died with this mom.

on her face. And you know why? She kept men out of her life. And so that's my hero. That's why I do it. These guys do it because they have like a gold card to just get what they want forever. And I just, I feel like it's sad. It seems like some kind of addiction that they can't get over. And so to see them all just like kind of haggard, you know, it's like 10 years into this. They're looking like kind of used. And it made me sad. I mean, it's great visual metaphor for them is that they're in the middle of those crowded restaurant with lots of people, lots of people, lots of faces, a lot of excitement, lots of nitro tini's floating around. And they're in this sort of like shell.

The banquet is this tall thing that goes above their heads. And it says round, I don't know, it's like a little, it's this round. What's the right word? It's like a high walled shell. It's like they're in like a well. It's like a well. You know, like they're the baby Jessica's. thrown down the well.

It's like the thing that you put the hose in it, you know, like you coil your hose and put it in this container, but they're sitting in there. There's one little entrance that the waiter can come in and like drop off their food. And I was like, this is so perfect. They're basically in a literal bubble in the middle of a restaurant where all, and it's a dark bubble. It's a dark, dark bubble. And all that matters to them is their stupid fight inside this restaurant when there's so much

joy and happiness around them that they're just not even aware of. Yeah. And they're even served with a giant dong because the only way that they can get pepper across that table is to have a gigantic, you know, five foot tall pepper grinder. So they're being served by this like giant dick, you know, while that's all they're thinking of, they're all dying alone and fighting over their failed beer companies or whatever. And it's just like, welcome to 40, you know. It's like, and then we've seen the treats, the coming treats for next week or the coming season that Austin, probably cheated on his girlfriend, which I don't think anybody's really shocked by that. But it's like, here you are, 40s, you're still cheating on these children that you're dating.

You're talking about all these girls that Whitney had to fuck before they even got on the show that you're all going to use and just throw away within a year anyway. Like the whole thing just made me feel sad. And when I say sad, I mean, I laughed a lot. I was like, ha-ha, I told you, told you 10 years ago, suckers. Yeah. So, anyway, there you go. Here we are, Southern Charm. Here we are.

Hugs. well uh the show opens up with a little comedy moment because uh shep is rooming with craig while his place gets redone so he's staying with craig and so they do like a sitcom bit where it's called roomies and we just see craig preparing breakfast they have a laugh track and everything and uh Craig is um not very good at this he basically uh drop some eggs he he takes a bowl he has a bowl of eggs that are piled super high And he's trying to balance them, but also do things. And guess what? An egg falls onto the floor and breaks.

And the laugh tracks like, it opens with Craig going, what do we call? What do we call the electronic assistant? I forgot her name. I think we changed her name to, let's just say, like Padgett or something.

I don't know. Today it's Bertha, but he's like, Burnett. Are you supposed to cook bacon in a cast iron pot? A cast iron skillet is a good choice for cooking bacon as it conducts heat evenly. This is also, he's like, all right, all right, that's all I needed. Did she, is she the one who told you to put eggs in a bowl?

You know, he's one of those people that he likes to think of himself as a Martha Stewart, but he doesn't actually know how to do any of the stuff. He just likes to put on the aprons and put his eggs in a bowl. People don't put eggs in a bowl. They just don't, like not piled like that. You saw that on a cookbook cup. And we're like, I'm just going to put my eggs in a bowl. And now you're dropping them all over the floor because that's not how eggs go.

They come in a carton with little individual holders on purpose, you dumbass. They're round. Yes. And the thing is, there are some people who might pile some eggs into the bowl and looks very cute in the fridge. But they don't pile them that high. The point is that, like, they're in the bowl. The bowl can contain them. But these eggs were like, they were rising up above like the great pyramids of

Giza or whatever. And is that what they're called Giza? I have no idea. Burnett, tell me the answer. But like, it was just, a giant, a giant structure. It's a giant structure of eggs. And then on top of that, you've got eggs in a bowl.

And he's like trying to balance it to grab something else out. And of course, and he's going to go toppling off, you know? I mean, and this is someone who wants to have chickens. And he's got a fucking rug in there as well. So he drops it. It breaks all over the. rug and then he just cleans it with a little paper towel. Now your rug has salmonella. I mean, just

everything he did. Like in five seconds, his house is just salmonella filled. Like, he doesn't know how to make an egg. I mean, it was just so sad. So there's a laugh track, but there should be a cry track because there needs to be like the real reactions of at least the, you know, snooty gaze watching this show. Who are like, oh, the egg, what did the egg do? That's not how you use a skillet. So, chef, Jack doesn't have to be the one that truly cleans that up, but we all know. Poor Jack, yeah. And so, um, the, Shep comes in and, um, he's like, what are you, what are you doing, Gars?

Like, oh, just cleaning up an egg off the floor. Dang. Yeah. Oh, on my account. Shepp, you're going to be the death of me. Uh, you're the one that just killed. Chilled the egg. Sammonel is going to be the death of you.

Yeah, sure will be. You're going to get salmonella on your toe when you walk over that. It's a beautiful name for, by the way, beautiful name for a bacterial situation. Salmonella? Beautiful. Think about it. That's what they should call the virtual assistance. Hey, salmonella, can I take, um, can I cook bacon?

You would think it be called like, like a salmoneococcus, some cockus, right? Maybe in some countries. But like, why do we call it salmonella? Like, she is like the fancy bacteria. It was named after the girl in school that everybody fell in love with. Salmonella. Can't help but get it into your system. She loved it raw.

A salmon who showed up at the ball. Like, wait a second. Who was this beautiful salmon? Or it's just a great Carter. Salmonell Carter. It's a great singer. It's like, oh, me, bhae, ow, bain, bha. Give me a break.

Give me a break. Now I know what it takes. My point is so pretty. Skin, it's smooth as silk. God, I love Mel Carter. I need her in my life. And I have her in my life. Every day I play some male Carter.

Well, not every day, but many days of the week. I'm like, you know what? I'm not in a good movie. Yeah, she sings on the original, well, she sings on the movie cast album of hair. Oh. She's got a lot of songs in there, and I just love her so much. And I also listen to A Misfayvaheating a lot because I love that musical. So I'll just put those on when I'm not in a good mood, and I get some no card.

That's the one where she sings, eh, bim, b, that's all I really need to listen to. I'm happy. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappins commercial. I am proud to say, well, I don't have the A Misfayevon album, although my parents had it growing up, so I was always playing in the house. But I do have both versions of the Give Me a Break theme song, because there are two versions. There's one that's like, plucking up beat.

You know, there's one that's like, no, give me a break. No one. And then there's one that's like slow and, like, has like electric piano. It's like, give me a brain. I don't know. They have two different vibes,

but they're both quintessentially Nell Carter. And either one you listen to, you just imagine her pulling the dust buster out of the fish tank. Yeah. Or she was vacuuming the fish tank. What is she doing?

Or is it a phone that comes out of the fish tank? I thought it was a fish. But, um, he just takes a fish. The seven. Yeah. She throws it at Joey Lawrence's head.

Called it today. But when it's trash day and it's time to put out the trash, I see. Give up all your pots and pans. Give them every little thing you can. Don't give them a way. No, no, no. You have some cash for your trash.

That's from a minute. We got a lot of pots and pans, huh? Yeah, it's not kind of damn, Kelly. Well, everyone. The daily sauce pan is done. No, car. What a joy. So now the chef's like, oh, chocolate milk.

Yeah, it's like the good stuff, too. It's like the good chocolate milk. It's the good stuff. It's literally just. chocolate right now. It's a normal container of chocolate. I know, it's not the glass bottle. It's not even look at good stuff. Yeah, it looks like a glass bottle that's like $20 for this chocolate milk. Kids in a glass bottle, guys. Just chocolate. It's like the literal opposite of the good stuff. It is like the generic supermarket chocolate milk. That's just not as satisfying as if you get like the little quick bottle, you know.

We all know that. He just pours it all over the next quick. Really aging ourselves today. He pours it into the, um, the cast iron skillet. So, uh, Do you know how addicted I used to be to quick? But it used to be called Quick before it was called Nesquick. And the little bunny on it. And we would have that like that yellow can where you had to like take the, the, the, your spoon and pry it under the lid to pop it off. But put in there.

And I think you're supposed to, you know, you take a glass of milk and you're supposed to take like one spoon and just like put it in and swirl it. I would do three to four spoons of that. I would go. I mean, it would be swirling around forever. It was, I mean, it was the sweetest chocolate. milk you've ever tasted in your life and I good God I loved it. I still drink chocolate milk every day. I just finished it. I just add two shots of espresso to it and call it a mocha. But it's basically

just, I don't even put ice in it. It's just a big, nice, and I was going to stop drinking it because the hormones from milk or whatever apparently like keep me from losing weight. I don't know. That's what the doctor said. So I stopped doing it for a week and it was not a good week. I didn't enjoy the week. So I'm just like, I don't care if I'm still chunky. I'm just going to drink my chocolate of milk every day. I don't care. No one's taking it away from me. Got the good stuff. So then So now we go over to Madison's house. She's, well, not her house. She's going to

mimosa nail spa. Hi there. It's where a mimosa will actually do your nails. It's strange. They give you mimosas when you go there, but there's nails in it. Little nail clippings. So she goes in there and, And she wants to have her nails to be Ferrari red. Vanita joins and it is like, oh my God. She's like, you're so pregnant.

How much longer do you have? And she's like, well, if you look at these buns, we got like minutes, okay? I've been ready for five months ago. Okay, I'm ready for this corn to be born. Pagnancy is not for the way. I mean, my hands are going to sleep. I'm getting Charlie horses in my legs. Why don't get Charlie horses in your legs?

Nobody told me that. So they're just sort of like Vanita's touching the baby, belly and everything And there's kicking and stuff And Madison's like, you're like, I mean This is like when he turns like a total bitch And get away with it. Because so here we come.

I'm bitch. I'm getting away with it. Ever since you've been on this show. Yeah, you get away with it anyway. Vinita's like I cannot wait to meet your baby. Can I put an air tag on it? Just swallow this air tag. I know where your baby is at all hours.

Make sure your baby is home before 10. So we're talking about Hudson being excited and she's nervous. And she's like, oh, yeah, because I'm nervous because I broke my pelvis when I had Hudson. I just got a tiny pelvis. I was on a walker for three months. So I don't want to get pregnant. But, you know, we're almost there. She's already four pounds.

So I have large babies. Scheduled C-section this ram, tummy tuck coming soon. Hudson's at overnight camps. That's fun. Over there doing that. And, you know, got my hot husband. He's off firefighting. We just moved into a new big house.

What's going on with you, Vanita? She's like, I'm mad at Sally. And you just see Madison's face. like. Oh, because I won't get her a mimosa and nail mimosa. So I have to remind her again, I might be

facing another broken palace. This time they'll make fun of, I'll have a funny moment. I'll go, palisus has left the building. Um, so Madison is, uh, yeah, she's listening to Vinita. And Vinita is saying, just weird right now with Sally, you know, uh, weird, it's weird between Vinita and Sally because

Vanita told Sally, because Vanita told Sally, if Craig basically kicks you the curb, don't come calling me saying they kick you to the curb. So she doesn't come calling Vanita. And now Vinita's like, I don't know where we went wrong. What happened to her friend? Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you call me? She said, yeah, I mean, I was like, what happened of the days when she would literally wake up and call me at 11 a.m. And she'd be like, we're getting drinks at 1 o'clock. And I'd be like, okay, you know I don't do that, but I'll go with you. I'm an alcoholic. I can't wait. Well, honestly, I mean, she just brought out this out of that I thought,

you know, I knew you had it in you, you know, but it was just really deep down in there. But, you know, you've almost been fine. You've almost been fun since you've known Sally. Yeah, I just feel like it's so silly that that would change. And Vanita's like, but I feel like it's more so her than me. But like, I'm going to just try to keep on ignoring it because she keeps doing stupid shit. And I just can't keep falling behind that. Now, I am largely on Vanita's side over Sally's side in the history of this friendship, et cetera.

but like Vanita you did kind of just say like don't don't talk to me about Craig like you were like I think Vinita was 100% right she was right that Craig was going to treat Sally like shit and she was right that Sally was not being a girl's girl to her but also like you kind of told her like essentially I don't really want to be friends with you I mean I I interpret it that way like you know what you've been a bad friend to me and then you're going to complain to me I don't want to hear it by. And then, you know, that's how I kind of took it. And now she's like, oh, now I don't know what's happening. I don't know why. And I'm like, but you know why. Well, as far as her being right about everything, I mean, if she had told Sally, look, Craig's history is this. He's not very

nice. I wouldn't do this, you know, because of whatever other reason. That would have been one thing. But it's because she's friends with Page and Sierra, and he broke up with Paige and Sierra, and she's like taking side. So it's like a different reason. You know what I mean? It's a selfish reason. It's not just saying, I'm protecting you from this person who's not nice. It's, I'm protecting you from someone I don't like because of these girls that I started all this mess with this guy because of the, you know what I mean? It's just, it's more selfish reasons.

It's not like, I'm just looking out for you. It's take my side in a fight that I'm having on behalf of these other girls that I'm trying to. I'm trying to be friends with. So I don't know. It doesn't seem like a true friendship helping situation either. It seems self-serving. I also just don't. I think Sally kind of sucks this season.

And I'm just, I'm like, why are you chasing after this, Vanita? You can do so much better. They're more interesting people on this show to become friends with. I mean, are there?

Molly. So we go to, so they're talking about the party and stuff. And Madison said, you know, I just think these girls are being childish. I mean, Jesus, my pelvis is. my pelvis is broken just listening to this.

You know, they need to realize the only relationship here that's going to work is the friendship between the two of them. It's not about the men. You know, they need someone to talk to in two years when they're fired and the men are kept on this show. They need to be there for each other. Yep. Benita's like, I just want my friend back. You should tell her that. I think she would agree.

I think that Sally's moved on at this point. I think Sally's just upwardly mobile and the Benita ship has passed. for her. So now we go to Shep's new house and the opium bed. That's now my large coffee table is there. So they're looking at it. I felt like the opium bed look. It looked kind of cool in the shop

but it looks way too big in Shep's house, right? It's too big. Yeah, it's too big. And it's the only thing because it was from like some Bordello, it's the only thing that is in his house. So I don't think he's committed to. It's like, well, I don't have much, but I've got an opium bed. I love having a big

coffee table. It's good for like a lot of snacks, you know. Thanks, Craig. All the snacks and beverages you want out there. Yeah, you should have a you should have a Martha Stewart type line, Craig. I'm sure Jack loves it when you put out a little of snacks that he has to clean up. I'd love it. It's just Craig always trying to hammer his, uh, his homemaker instinct. Wow, a big coffee table. You could put a lot of snacks on there. Oh, I hadn't thought of that. I was going to hang coats. So many eggs. Um, so I love the smell of an old beach house.

Yeah, well, that's good. It's actually just me. I just went swimming. Gersh. Oh, I'm glad you like it. You know, I like it too. You want a tour? So they go on a tour of this old house and, um, it's nice enough.

It looks a little, I mean, I'm sure it's nice. It's nice. The bones of it are nice, but you know, Shep is, and Shep says, he's like, I'm notoriously cheap. I'm not fancy. I like a bare bones. That means houses without condoms. but he basically, it needs cleaning and painting, like a lot of painting.

It needs like a little updated, the bare minimum updating. You know, like clean up the floors a little bit, have them sand it down, kind of redone, rechelact or whatever, get your walls painted, update the kitchen, all it. It needs some stuff. But chef's just like, meh. Wipe away the bleeding walls and that spirit that's just like lingering on the staircase. We can maybe banish it. Sage that spirit away. The walls do you look like they're bleeding kind of, though.

Or at the very least, they're bruised. I do believe there was a skeleton that was just hanging out in a hallway, so we should probably get that out of the way. But other than that, the house is in pretty good shape. Yeah. So let's see here, guys. He's like, it's a fairly new kitchen. And Craig's like, very cool.

I love that doll that's walking backwards through the living room. He's like, yeah, oh, it's a great dining room, Brian. Yeah, sick. And this is going to be the master. bedroom. It's perfect. I love how a pentagram appears when you walk in the room and it's made of flames. That's a really cool touch. It fits my personality. No frills. And I don't need bells and whistles. I don't need a brand new

kitchen and vaulted ceilings and crown molding. You need a paint job and you need a cleaning crew. Fumigation is maybe something to aspire for. A glade plug-in. I could smell your house from here. when someone comes and they say, I love the smell of an old beach house. That's not a compliment. Yeah. It's called mold remediation time. No, this is perfect because now you have a house,

so you're going to get married and have your first kid and then your second kid and then you're going to be golden. Because that's all we think about in this town is when are we going to have kids? You're going to be golden. Gonna be going to be golden. I'm Rodriguez like, guys, I'm here too. That's wishful thinking, Craig. can I get into this conversation? Yeah, I mean, why it is fun.

You got to say wishful, right? Ha, ha, ha. And Shep is like, I'm going to have two kids. I will. And they are going to be in the shape of two DVD box sets of Ken Berg's documentary, the Revolutionary War, new documentary out now on PBS. Gosh, what comes first, the chicken or the egg? Too soon.

Oh, sorry, Craig. Maybe the big boy house, that's the chicken. And now the egg comes later. maybe that's the egg. Who knows? I think it's just going to be a bunch of chickens. I don't know if there's any eggs in sight. So, Shep is like,

okay, so here's an interesting idea. I want to have a plunge pool right here. And he's in the yard. There's like no room in that yard for any sort of pool. There's like barely room in there for, you know, a solo cup of water. What is he talking about that? He can put a plunge pool. So a plunge pool, what is that?

Like a hot tub? Well, I thought a plunge pool was actually one of those. Those tubs that you, like, put, like, ice water in and you plunging. Ew. But I don't think that's. He doesn't even want to pay for heated water. Oh, no. It's like a little pool.

I looked it up. Hold on. It's wanting to look at my location. Plunge pool. Okay. So it's just a teeny tiny pool. Yeah, it's just like a little pool. It's still, honestly, it still looks pretty narrow there for a plunge pool.

Yeah, you know, it's cute. Well, I'm glad that Shep wants to, you know, immerse himself in water at some point. Might I suggest a bath. It's nice that he wants to take up the plunge on something in his life. Well, he's talking about eggs with no irony. Talk about salmella, that plunge pool. Hey, be careful, everyone. I want to have a little bar.

You could just chill out here. Yeah, well, Austin will never come over because he's got a big problem with building oasis is at your house and then staying there. He hates happiness. So, I obviously have flashback of Austin. He made me like, do you want to hide? You just want to hide. You just want to hide it. Get out. Don't be mad at me. If you were a real friend, you'd be happy for someone and come over and use their sun shelf on their pool and get honey from the beehive. But you hate me. So stop. I need to surround myself with people who are happy with remote controlled fire pits.

I need to surround myself with people who are okay with underperforming margarita mixers. After performing martyrobin machines. Rodrigo's like, well, I just think that he, you know, like wanted to hang out with Sally more than he wanted to admit it. And Craig says, well, he tends to like plant landmines around himself. Craig, you've literally planted landmines around yourself. I cannot believe Craig hasn't started himself on fire in that backyard yet. He is the landmine.

He literally is. So Rodrigo's like, it's like side-jababab with the rakes and everything. return to Rick is hitting him again and again and again. Rodriguez, stop it. You're not a main character. You already had your three lines. It's no way to live, man. It's just not the one thing that would change his life.

Austin's life, that is, is if he started to make everything is, if you started to make everything his fault. Because like a couple of years ago, I read this thing that said make everything that happens in your life, your fault. And I could accuse anything. I could come up with a reason for an excuse. What does he talk to make everything your fault? Wow.

This explains why Craig is a professional victim. every single episode. No, he's saying make it your own fault. You're not a victim. I mean, I kind of like that. That's like some old 90s pop psychology stuff. I read that somewhere too.

I don't know where. But I like that. I try to do that too. Like anything that happens, I'm like, how is it my fault? Because then you can like kind of figure out a way to make it better. And it doesn't feel like you're so out of control.

I mean, look, like if there's a mudslide, my house slides down a hill, that's not my fault, you know? But then I could still be like, well, how could I prepare myself better for the next time? So I'm not such a loser when my house lies down the hell. But to hear Craig say it, it makes me rethink that whole thing, you know? Because I'm like, well, wait, Craig is saying it. So I don't know that I don't know that I've been really living by a good plan.

I feel like it's been keeping me somewhat happy. But now I'm questioning everything, basically. Craig just got that from chat, GPT, aka as therapist. Let's be honest. Okay. I don't think that Craig actually uses that psychology of Make Everything Your Own Fault. I think he just ChachyPT told him that and now he just parrots it as if he is enlightened and working on himself. But he's just merely reciting things that a robot is cobbling together from the Internet.

Yeah, I looked up. Yeah, because I looked up. I looked up, make everything your fault. And it says when taking radical 100% ownership for your life. life, you accept responsibility for your reactions, choices, and outcomes. While this mindset can empower personal growth, shifting from a victim mentality to a one of accountability, it is essential to distinguish between extreme self-responsibility for personal outcomes and taking unwarranted blame for external events outside your control.

It's called the empowerment perspective. That's right, guys. That's right. Wow. That doesn't say where this is from, though. I didn't know that acknowledging your own responsibility and actions was considered extreme accountability. I thought that was just accountability. It's like, oh, you know what?

I left the light on downstairs. Extreme accountability. Extreme. Everything is your fault. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, I announced I left the light on downstairs. Yeah, everything. I mean, I took that kind of thinking years ago, and I did not read this book called Everything is Your Fault.

I mean, I read a lot of self-help shit, but I wouldn't even I wouldn't get something bad on the nose. But I did it because I think it does help with, like, victim stuff or, like, blaming your parents for everything. It's like, okay, you're, like, you're in your 40s and 50s. Like, you can't be blaming your mom every time you fuck something up. Like, it was how I was raised. So, you know, that helped me get out of, like, a victim thing.

But yeah, now that I hear Craig espousing its virtues, I'm going to basically be overhauling my personal perspectives, is what I'm saying. Commercials. Here comes one right now. I like the idea, though, that if you say that everything is your own fault, that it can also kind of loop around again and just make you a narcissist all over again. Because the whole idea is that like you're such a narcissist that you can't take any accountability. But then what if you start taking accountability for things that like are really? not your fault. It's like, oh my God, I am so sorry that I caused Fade Dunaway to read the wrong answer at the Oscars. It was my fault about La La Land. I'm so sorry, guys. It's like, no, it's not about you then. Well, I'll tell you what is wouldn't come in handy in court, you know?

It's like, I read the empowerment perspective, and now I'm in prison for life. And I don't know why I took credit for murdering that mailman. I don't know why. I didn't do it, but I said I did. But for real, though, I am very sorry that I got Real House House of Dubai canceled. That was my fault. I apologize. Also, sorry that whole New York reboot.

My fault. I'm not apologizing for that. That's one thing I will not take blame for. Yeah, it's all my fault. It's me. Just put it on me. See, by the way, here's the thing. you know,

long before this pop psychology came around, there were Jewish mothers. It's like, okay, it's fine. It's my fault. It's all right. Just blame me. Just mothers in general. Let's broaden it up.

Yeah. I mean, I did go to Catholic school, so there was a lot of it is your fault. You know, so maybe that's where I got it from. But stuff's like, actually my mom's... It's accountability 101. Yeah, personal accountability is tough. you're still pretending you broke up with page what are you talking about and rodrigo says yeah see here's here's the thing like

i mean you guys can meet up and you could like you know have a you know have a good time together but like i don't really even hear about that like all i really hear about is you guys like complaining complaining about each other yeah and uh like what is it with you like you guys have like all these issues with these people or they just like are they your good friends like i just i just don't ever fucking know i mean these guys they live in a gray area they almost thrive there. I mean, Shep actually literally lives in Greyhouse, but that's besides the point. Garsh! That's why we can never get through to one of you, one another. Gosh. So we go over to Austin's parents' house, and Austin meets his mom. I love his, I love his waspy mom. She's like,

Hey, Austin, want an apparel sprints? She's like, already got the booze flowing. Yeah, the both the parents are getting shit-faced in the middle of the day, talking about all their extracurriculars now that they're retired. It's like, well, your mom just fucked a tennis pro, and she's on her way to ping pong and then she's going to have some mahjong and then she's going to fuck another tennis pro she's going to fuck a mahjong pro okay you know i'm going to just golf for the fifth time today um i think his mom because i love the you know like how some people have resting bitch face or whatever like me um i think she has resting disappointment face like i was just going to say the same thing we've said it for years every time austin comes on she's like well hey osse

You want a glass of wine? I mean, you're here. I'm going to have a bottle. Your dad and I were just playing a game called Your Fault, and we just say Austin back and forth to each other for about 10 minutes. My parents are living their best retired life. My dad has like three golf groups. My mom's in Pickleball, Book Club, Mahjong.

Like when I call her, she sends me to voicemail more often than not, because she's busy doing something. I guarantee she's sitting in a chair doing absolutely nothing. Her new sport is just pressing send to voicemail. Nailed it. She's reading a bear for Contessa cookbook and sending awesome to voicemail at all times. So they sit down and dad just gets out of there. He's like, sorry, I got a golf with my sixth golf group.

I don't know. I'm just not going to sit here and talk to you, son. So they Wendy says this is actually funny They sit down And you know She's put out some food So she goes

Hey grab the nuts Austin I'm like Please don't ask him to do that We've been seeing that clip For so many years now Yeah Austin's grabbed us nuts enough On this show for sure I'm surprised you didn't ask me

About Piper Martini They're into grandchildren It's like oh God Watch Watch my If you thought Right when you thought My disappointment face

couldn't edge deeper. Here it is. It's like extreme disappointment face. She's like, yeah, our stream disappointment. From the people who brought your extreme accountability comes. Extreme disappointment. You don't even care of your grandma. Oh, God, how are they doing, Austin?

They're just little monsters, like little perfect monsters. So he shows his mom, his mom, his mom. new tattoo that he got with a sister in memory of Kyle, who is their late sister. And she really likes it. She feels like it was a nice way to honor Kyle, et cetera. And she's saying, you know, it's really sweet and sad because Wendy's talking about how she imagines that Kyle would be married with kids by now and she'd be coaching you. She's like, even theoretical Kyle is doing better than you are right now. Austin.

One thing I'm sure about is that Kyle would not be disappointed in me as you are right now. And he's like, well, Audrey and I had a conversation and us about the future. And she brought up some things where she was like, you know, sometimes when you talk about the future, you say a lot of like eyes and not a whole bunch of wheeze. And I'm like, oh, shit, do I do that? I even said, I am the question to myself about what she was saying. And Wendy's like, oh, she said that to you. Well, that's legitimate.

That's, that's fair. You, you do read as like you'd be a pretty bad boyfriend. And he's like, well, the thing is this. It's like, I'm not like, I'm not like 100% on her. Like, I think I'd probably be at like 10%, 5%, 1%. I don't know. I could probably dump her tomorrow. But you know, you're going to move to Charleston.

And then that means a year and a half later, we're going to pop the question. I'm like, we're coming that fork. And it's just like, are we going to go down that way or continue on? I don't know. She's like, okay, well, all right. Well, let's do an exercise. I'm not sure you've ever done before in your life. Where do you see yourself in the future?

Like, even just one day from now. Have you ever thought that far ahead, Austin? You should do that. What do you think you're looking for besides change in our couch cushions, Austin? And he's like, well, part of me is like, whoa, well, I'm okay. Like, what more do you need out of the partner? I mean, she's young. She's gorgeous.

You know, but like 99% of your friends would be jumping out of their shorts to be for someone like Arthur. Jumping out of their shorts. jumping out of their shorts. Is that an expression? Oh my God. Look at that hot girl. I'm going to jump out of these shorts. She's like, well, I'm not sure you ever really know for sure that it's the right person.

So if it's not the right person, what you do is you get really drunk and let him go off and play golf 10 hours of the day while you play mahjong. Did I say that part out loud? Anyway, I mean, when you walk down the aisle, you just say, please let this be the person I want for the rest of my life. It's kind of like buying a house in the pandemic. You know, there are not a lot of options. We just get what you can get for a good price. You don't know where you're going to get, Austin. I mean, you just walk down the eye.

You look next to you and you say, well, he's breathing and he's got a job. You know, God knows. It would have been a lot. It'll be a huge loss if you don't have kids, Austin. He's like, okay, I know that you think I'm destined to have a family. But like, what if I'm just not, Mom? What if I'm just not, Austin? Let me tell you something.

having kids is the best thing I ever did. I mean, that's so sweet to say, but you're like literally talking to Austin right now. Didn't he just spend half of your retirement funds on that drop hop? Rethink. Rethink your life. I'm sure there are other things you've done that have been really great. Yeah, yeah, I think she's just trying to get him to leave.

She's like, okay, I talked about kids enough that Austin went back back home. Okay. back out, honey. I can get back in my bra. So, she gets like real cheerful. He's like, I'm grateful you had kids.

I mean, honestly, because like, I'm alive. Yeah, I'm here. She goes, no,

I don't want you to be grateful for it. I want you to recognize how meaningful it is. It's the best thing I ever did. Don't lose side. Okay, well, that's the best thing you ever did.

It doesn't mean it has to be the best thing he ever did. You know, other people can do it was. You want to know what the best thing I ever did was, Mom? I got some new khakis. Oh, okay. You can leave my... I also got new cat keys, which are khakis for my caps.

They're such adorable monsters. Piper. Piper and the other one. God. Martini. So we go to Sally's parents' home, and Sally goes and her whole family's there, and there's a baby. So she's, like, holding the baby and like, oh, my God.

It's mine. So we grew up in a very traditional way. We went to church every Sunday. Both my sisters had kids. Every time I see my nieces and nephews, I'm always thinking, I want one. I want to steal them from my sister. Just the other day, one of my nieces, she said her first word. She looked me straight in the eye and she said, slut.

And I was like, wow, I'm a little offended, but it's a special moment. So I'm just going to let that one fly. But so nice, I want a baby. Every scene in the show is just about the crushing. pressure to have children on people that really don't want any of this. It's just like parental pressure to procreate. That's all this show's become. It's every scene.

Every scene is like, when are you going to have a baby? When are you going to have a baby? What are you going to have a baby? So Sally's like, oh my God, can I just keep her? She's so cute. Can I keep her? Can I just take her over to Craig's house and say, I'm going to put her in a Tupperware and say, I got this for us.

You can modify it. I just think of it. might be the thing that moves the needle for me and him. So, yeah, she wants a baby real badly. She's going to freeze her eggs so she doesn't feel pressure to find a husband. Okay, that's good because, you know, you're clearly not on the hunt these days, right? Like, when I look at Sally, I don't say, this is someone who wants to get a husband right now. I mean, she's acting like if she freezes her baby, like freeze.

I don't wonder if these babies. You know what? I'm just going to drop this. You know what? I'm not ready to be a mother. I'm freezing this baby. until I'm until this time. I'm freezing the baby.

She's like, I'm just trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I mean, I have the house, I have the job, I have the career, but I feel very lost in my relationship era. Like, do you forgot that old? Remember that personality is a good one to add on to that list. Maybe work on that part. The only people you've chased in the past three years of your life have been on TV shows, for one.

You need to go, you need to go date. people not because they're on TV. Like there's other reasons to see people. I can't feel bad for Sally. Although, you know what? I do like Sally. I don't have any hatred at all towards Sally. I actually really like her. But, you know, she just needs to focus.

I just, I feel like last season I loved her. I just feel like this season, I don't know. She's not doing it for me. I don't hate her at all. I don't hate her. She's fine. But like, there's something about her that's been really annoying me this season. I can't, I don't know. I feel like, I can't really.

put a finger on it. But, yeah, she's just not doing it for me. She's not. Yeah, I mean, I like her. Okay. So, Sally's like, I mean, wakey, wakey, no flies today, okay? Because your auntie has a million flies at her house because she got chickens like an idiot. And the guy there is hot.

I don't know if it's her brother or her brother-in-law, but he's like a blink. I don't really remember what he looks like, but I remember him being kind of a blink slab of flesh, which I really like. I like just a blank person that's like, and then you can kind of input information. It's like I like a man that's like a brand new thumb drive, you know, that you can just put the files on and create whatever you want.

It's fun. Yeah, that's fun. So he's like, and then erase them when you're done. Just kidding. Yeah. Sorry. They can get lost. You find them in between,

you find them in a pocket. empty trash empty trash well my check his names are popcorn coconut and cantaloupe and then claire who's i think her sister was like what who named can't look did craig name it she's like uh-huh i'm telling you right now i'm dropping them off at crags and leaving them because she said everyone in the group told me not to go for craig and i got hurt by him and we see him denying her and there's a little regret and i wouldn't say regret because i don't ever regret anything But I feel like it takes you in the next place you're supposed to be in life. And I hate chickens.

And I want them out of my life. Why did you get chickens? Like I think this is the thing that really like tip me over. Like you bought chickens for a guy and you don't even like chickens. So this was like an insincere choice on your part, which of course it was. But like it just doesn't get more pick me than I'm buying these birds that I don't even like to impress a guy. And now I've got these birds on my hands. And these are like living creatures.

Then now are like... Not for long. Yeah, not for long. They're going to go with chicken foster. The foster system. They're going to be tossed on some barbecue sauce and served up pretty soon. But yeah, she, when they showed this flashback to them in the feed store, she's saying, like, I like you. And he's like, yeah, I don't see it.

And then right behind his head, there was a bucket that says hen on it because it's like for feed or it's like a Halloween thing bucket that says hen. and overseas when you're getting married, your bachelorette party is called a hen party. It's called a hens party. And I was like, this is so sad. It's just like a, it's just like a scenery

that adds a little bit more sadness to the whole thing. But there she is, standing in front of her empty, non-filled hen party. I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him if he wants to reconsider

what he just said, because I am going to buy some chickens. But it's sad or too, because he rejects her in the animal store. And she has that moment right there to take her little Dunkin' Donuts, Munchkins box of chicks and kind of just like put them back. Like, you know what?

Can I get a, you know, I think I want to return these. I want to return these chicks to you guys. Like at that point, he already rejected her. But she was still thinking, wait a second, I'm going to take these chickens home. And then I think he's going to really like me. Like she hadn't fully accepted it. She didn't accept it until she found out that he was talking shit about her.

But like you had the chance to return to those chickens at that point. They were not even fully purchased. Yeah, but you want to kind of prove to yourself. Like I'm not just getting chickens for chickens for a guy. Like I'm doing this for me. I don't need the guy to have the chickens. I can have the chickens just because I want the chickens. And so you get the chickens and then you get them home and you live with the chickens.

Popcorn hates your ass. Popcorn, which is you were dead. You know, they all hate you. They all poop all over you. You built them a coop. Nobody appreciates you. They can't even talk to you. They don't give you any appreciation.

And then you're like, I hate my fucking life. You know, just be glad it wasn't children. I'm telling you, because you would have had a baby for this man, you know, and that it could have been a baby. So just be glad that you can cook these things. I also just want to put something out there for Sally. Okay. So maybe you do, you got the chickens, not for Craig. You want to see if this is something you can do.

Maybe you can turn the corner on chickens, et cetera. Open your heart to chickens. Here's one thing that you can do. Rename the cantaloupe. You do not have to stick with the name cantaloupe. It's still early on in the relationship where I don't think that Cantaloupe's name has been impressed upon them. Yeah.

There's still a chance. Yeah, there's a chance. I say, like, take back some power. Take back some power and rename cantaloupe into something else. Maybe something like, I don't know, booby face or I don't know. What a booby face? No. No, no, Carter.

I don't know. Patricia. I don't know. Name it after someone on the show. I judge a little judgmental chicken. Lose woman. Wait a second. Does that chicken have a butler now? Why is that chicken electrocuting her butler?

So the family's like, so how do long do chickens live for anyway? She goes too long. Well, but so you had a coop building? Yeah, I built the coop. They've gone in the coop and now they can't get wet and that's how you kill chickens because I was excited to swim with them. They can't even swim. I mean, I wanted to float in water.

We're all raising the bathtubs with little rubber chickens. Those are ducks, honey. God damn it. Nobody told me that. I'm concerned that salad needs to be sent away to a facility for a moment just to be checked out. I don't know. Like this is her dreams of swimming with chickens. I don't know what's happening here. I think that she's just disconnected from reality

at this point. She's actually perfect for Craig, which is the funny thing, that Craig doesn't like her. When she's like Craig's perfect other half, I mean, they're exactly the same. Just watching entire scenes of them trying to figure out how to use a cast iron skillet. I mean, it would have been gold. Craig really missed the boat on this one.

I think that she really thought she was going to raise these chickens, bring them over to Craig's and they'd go swimming in this pool and they'd bring the chicken in the pool and they'd just play with the chicken in the pool. Not that, I don't know too many people who have fantasy. about playing with chickens and pools. But like, I don't know.

She's just wholly the strange thing. And she's like, you can't get chickens wet. Is that true? I feel like animals are equipped to deal with rain. I feel like that's part of nature, right? I think is she confusing chickens with gremlins? I'm just so confused about. Yeah, I think about what Sally knows about chickens.

Also, I guess now is a good time to make a correction. Last week I said that Gonzo's little chicken, friend was named Priscilla and her name is Camilla. I apologize. Well, it was embarrassing. So thanks for taking care of that. It was. Charlie arrives at Low Country Oyster. And Craig is there on their date. And it's a weird date. And she's, you know, it's called Low Country. So it's like boots. But Craig is wearing like those watershoe boots. She's like, like, like your boots. He's like, yeah, well, this is my friend, Trey. It's a place called Low Country Oysters. That's like, like,

Like this place, like this is where they, this is where oysters are made. Look, there's a, there's a manufacturing plant in there. They make oysters here. She's like, oh, wow. That's interesting. So we're just going to eat out here on the grass, huh? Okay. Well, thanks.

It's great. That's our thought would be a little bit more romantic out here. But it's okay. We can just stand at a little table and smell industrial fumes. So a tray of oysters comes out and there's like, These are our signature oysters. Low country cup oysters. Wow.

Get a picture in my outfit, so he takes a picture of her. And she's like, why are you laughing? He's like, because you're kind of cute. It's giving his, like, charming smile. And he's doing that thing where he's wearing a hat, but he keeps taking off his hat and then moving his hair back to remind her, like, I may be wearing a hat, but I've got hair on like a lot of bald losers in this town. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. When I'm interested in a girl, I think I'm like inherently flirty. That's, yeah, that's usually how that goes. And so Greg is like your face and you smile, you make people laugh. Are you saying I have a funny face? Yeah, that's like hilarious. Smile right now. Oh my God. It's like, what?

Is there something on my teeth? I'm not telling you. God damn it. This is my first date that's ever been where I haven't hooked up with a person. before. She's like, wow, that's so romantic. Wow. Okay. So we're just going to start with the red flags. Great. Love that. It's like, I have no idea what to do in this moment. If I don't know what your movies feel like, I need to know what your vagina tastes like before I can have a conversation with you.

Okay. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Let's put some, let's put some minionette on this. Okay. I'll say slurp down some oysters And she's like, wow, this is like better than the restaurant He goes, yeah, because like these, these come like right from the water Unlike the restaurants where, you know, they go to an aerobics glass first To the steam room They go through college Where the oysters have to travel five minutes and then go to your plate

It's not like land raised oysters I mean, yeah, they come right from the water You grew up on the water didn't you? Well, on the lake, yeah, I mean, we would spend every single weekend on the lake. Oh, so you're a late girl. Well, would you ever move back there to the lake? She's like, no, absolutely not, never. Oh, was it because of your ex?

No, how long were you together? Was it painful? Do you want to talk about it? Tell me everything about your ex. Did he leave you because of your face was so funny? It's like hard to look at. Isn't it funny how your eyeballs on your chin? That's so strange.

Ha, ha. I can't stop laughing. You know, he just couldn't like see a future with me anymore. Was it because of your face? What's wrong with my face? Exactly. Did you just have future written on your face and you erased it one day? And he was like, I can't see the future anymore with you.

Maybe you just kept looking at your face and he doesn't like to laugh. So, you know, like... If you ever go to go with him to a funeral and then people kept on laughing because it was a funeral and he got upset because of your face, that may have been why. Did you ever talk about your future? And she's like, yeah, we talked about the future. He goes, yeah, so we just changed his mind. Yeah, well, screw him. Screw Page.

God, what a dick. I hate that you used to date Paige to Sorbo also. She was like, I thought he was the one, and we were planning a lot together, so I was really depressed after that breakup. I mean, I think I have a tendency to get very attached and codependent. So it was a complete life change. Also, I mean, I'm kind of the total package. I'm, like, really hot.

And I'm into art, and he still, that still wasn't enough for him. So I guess I kind of spiraled after. that if you think about it. Anyway, you know, I'm a pretty girl with everything going for me, but I have been raised around here, and I have learned that I'm worthless unless a man likes me. So I hope you don't mind that I'm codependent. And he's like, love it. Love that about you. And she's like, well, I'm not going to convince anybody to be with me. Trust me, I've tried. And he's like, well, you can't because they're going to do what they're going to do. I mean, that's what happened to me, though. Like, the whole I want to marry you one day thing, I'm like,

no, that's not the thing. If you don't want to get like married, I just don't want to to be one half in and one half out because like when I date someone I like to be a hundred percent. Well, I'm really glad that Craig is taking that. It's all my fault mentality to heart. I'd like to be 100 percent. And by that, I mean, I want the person I'm dating to change their entire life to accommodate mine. She's like, well, you would think that I would be afraid of commitment, but I'm not at all. I don't know. I'm just, I'm just very much a relationship. I mean, we're dating now, right? So we're. We're engaged, right?

Oh, my God, put this oyster on my finger. Do it. Do it. Is that too forward? God, stop. Stop being so insecure. I don't like it. Like, you literally have everything going for you.

I don't like this whole like, well, I'm just codependent. I don't know. Who's a new man? Please stop it. Charles. I think that, like, I think that Sally also kind of just like is still living in her head. And I feel like she can't just be at ease and secure because I think that she's just thinking about Sally.

And I think it's making her skittish. I really do. Well, it's also just how they grew up. I mean, we see how the parents are. They're like this with the boys and the girls. But I think there's extra pressure on the women in the South, especially around here. When the men outnumber the women so much, you know, it's like living in Alaska, you know? And so the men have, wait, the women out.

What am I trying to say? It's like living in Alaska and you're a bear that's trying to have sex with a human. You're like, there are so many of us, growl. the girls outnumber the men, right? Isn't that how it is here? So the guys have the choice. They have like all the choice of whoever they want. And the women just feel like,

oh my God, nobody likes me because the men have so many options in this town. And so it's, you know, there's just a bunch of stuff compounded. And I would just say move. Like move to, I know your family's there, but what are you moving away from?

People that pressure you every day for not having a child. I mean, every conversation we see on this phone with parents like, Hey, honey, you stuck in traffic. I hope you saw a husband out there. See if someone will impregnate you, okay? Just move. Leave your family. Go find something else to do.

I, well, I agree. I also think that Craig is probably a, like, he's a big, shiny object. You know, taking everything out of it, the snarkiness aside, he is really hot. He's really charming. He can be very, very sweet. He's successful now. He's famous. You know, he, I think that, like, on the surface, on a dating, you know, first date, second date, third date thing, like, I think he sells the fantasy.

I think, I think he's captivating. And so it feels like he's the one. And so, like, I can imagine being like, oh, my God, I hope this works out, whatever. But, like, the truth is, as far, we don't know much about Charlie. But it just seems like there's a lot going for her. And it would be nice if she realized herself worth a little bit more because she doesn't have to slum it with this guy or anyone on this show. And actually, the one thing that makes me sad is it seems like Wittner is like a great guy.

And she basically friends owned him right away. I'm like, what, but Wittner, go for Wittner, Charlie. That would make me so happy. We haven't even seen Wittner on this show. Yeah, where's Wittner? I don't know. There's Wittner. Congratulations.

You've reached the end of part. of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers. Watch what crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors.

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