Watch What Crappens - #323: Extra Trerrestrial

Episode Date: August 30, 2016

Timestamps below! Vicki surprised Briana with some milquetoast for her birthday on Real Housewives of Orange County, and Jaq’s emotions on Real Housewives of New Jersey were extra Trerestrial. Enjoy! Find our bonus episodes and social media links at WatchWhatCrappens.com! Timestamps: 00 Opening and Crappens Mailbag 14:45 RHOC 1:01:30 RHONJ We have partnered with TuneIn to deliver more bonus content! Download the app! For our own premium feed, bonus episodes and extras, visit http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch What Crappens would like to thank its premium subscribers, Mia Hanson Aloha, Christy Dougherty, The Wine and Shout Podcast,

and our super sponsor, premium sugar mama, Madonna Hines. We love you girls. Watch What Crappens. Watch What Crappens. Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens episode. Watch What Crappens is a podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from the Rose Pricks podcast and also the Big Brother Smother podcast.

And here I am with my gorgeous, talented co-host Ben Mandelka. Oh, darling. Of the B-Side blog, the banter blender, and chicken! I did just buy some chicken at Sprouts yesterday chicken we are already loopy

we recorded our 100th bonus episode today huge landmark episode and it was all it was covering the standoff with Chris Brown and that shit is gold you have to watch it when we was covering the standoff with chris brown and that shit is gold you have to watch it we when we say covering the standoff what we mean is we both had the live feed up because who knows when you're hearing this but there was a live feed up on tmz and we were watching it and we

were basically doing play-by-plays and we we i think are in contention for the pulitzer because we were making observations like look at her she's wearing a red coat oh now she's taking it off look at her look she's like flirting with a cop i was obsessed with this girl in a red jacket and she totally got like five cop phone numbers on her way out of there by the way the live stream is still going i will be paying attention to the show but if you hear some comments about the girl with the red jacket that's who we're talking about okay i'm still watching it it's the it's the it's the live coverage you always dreamed you could have you know we're saying the things the newscasters are thinking okay we're we're giving it to you live okay we

give the real deets like we get to the to the bottom, there's a slip and slide situation. But is it a slip and slide? There's a mailbox. There's a peach. Yes, there's a peach in the situation. So everyone just, you know. And in the middle of that, we also talked about McChicken, which if you don't know what that is, be careful when you Google it. Yes, be very careful.

Have your parental content filter on when you Google it. Don't Google it at work and don't do it in front of kids. Oh, man. That was a good 100th, Ben. Happy anniversary, darling. Happy anniversary, too. And you know what? Honestly, let me get poignant for a moment. That means that we started doing Patreon about 100 weeks ago.

And we've mentioned this every now and then, but Patreon really has changed my life. I was lucky enough last week to get out of debt finally. And that's partially due to everyone's support. Being able to spend – like not have to scramble for everything and be able to focus on this podcast was really, really helpful. And I was in a bad place with my dad, like a really, really, really bad place. Oh, Ben. No, honestly, the support that we get for this podcast has literally changed my life in ways that I am just so thankful for. So thank you, everyone.

Oh, Ben, I love you. And we love you guys, So thank you for supporting us. And to find those bonus episodes, just go over to Patreon.com slash Watch What Crappens. You can find all of our links, our social media links and all that good stuff over at WatchWhatCrappens.com. Also, we're going to be doing the L.A. PodFest September 25th. It's going to be an amazing live weekend of tons of podcasts. So if you want to come, come. If you want to just watch it,

you don't even have to come. Watch a live stream. You can do what you want. Let's face it. We'll probably still be talking about the Chris Brown live stream during that live stream. It'll be so meta. But if you want that live stream, go to LAPodFest and use the

coupon code CRAPPINS when you purchase your stream, and you'll get a nice fat discount. And the last little bit of housekeeping is today we also did our tune-in show, and it is all about Lisa Vanderpump's deposition about Brandi Glanville talking about Joanna Krupa's smelly pjj so it is the dash of carlton gebbia yes it has been we're already loopy if i sound drunk that's why i've already been laughing my ass off all morning long with ben so you can go find that over at tune in and thank you to everybody who supports us over there and that's it we can get into the show now, Ben. It's a big show today, Ben. Wow. What a show that we have.

And, you know, before we get into our show, maybe we should get into a mailbag. Do it, Ben. Do it. I will do it. As soon as I pull up the music. Do it, Ben. Like I said, why don't we get into a mailbag? Did we, by the way, thank our big time sponsors?

Did you do that at the top of the show? I already did it, Vin. I already did it. Wow. I already did it. Wow. I like to have like a special moment from a sponsor. A little sponsor right at the beginning. Special of you. Yeah.

So what's in there? Tell me everything. Well, let me tell you what's in the Kraven's mailbag. There are several things in there. And I will tell you what they are as they come to me. As I scroll down down are you watching chris brown still no i just haven't opened up the mailbag i was just clicking towards it um okay i'm opening everyone okay mailbag is a little slow today all right there's

the the delivery system is slow okay here we go oh someone's coming to a slow stop outside outside your window. There are actually only four questions today. Normally we have like 12. I'm a little, you know, I feel a little neglected. Well, Chris Brown is busy. That's true. Normally we would have all his questions in there. Okay.

Let's start with Henrisa Bassi. Hi, Henrisa. Lawyer. Formerly known as Henrisa, but now known as henrissa but now known as henrissa um what would be the theme of a law and order episode centered on siggy flicker as the criminal with reza and phadra as witnesses to the crime wow the theme would be amazing lord what what first of all what law and order is it because there's so many is the only i think the only one on is svu there's so many is i think the only one on is svu i would say just do a classic classic one what would the theme of a law and order episode be um okay phedra would be walking into she'd be coming

out of an apartment in washington dc because she's going to meet with some very important people in washington to talk about her her uh charity but then she sees a dead person in her. Well, I think that actually what happened would be that Reza would have hired Mr. Ridiculous for a bachelor party, and somewhere along the way, someone got impaledaled and Phaedra witnessed as as Ridiculous's Ridiculous's pimp and so Ridiculous is getting framed but no one realizes that Sigaflicka, she was the one who did it all along

because she just wanted to spend more quality time with Reza because that's all she wants because Reza and Phaedra, they love each other. They just don't get each other. That's all. They just have to learn how to know each other. That's it. I didn't know I wanted to do it, but then I saw this big humongous penis and I decided to impale.

I impaled him. That's it. I impaled him. I put it right inside of him and the blood came out because I impaled him. She'd be the worst person to do it ever because she would admit to it right up front. She would admit to every crime. All right, I did it. I did it.

But is it a crime to love sophie is it a crime uh what is the relevance there is always relevance when it comes to your children always always i did it it was a crime of passion because i'm a mother and i love it my daughters i didn't want to impale them i i wanted to impale the phone. The damn phone has come between me and my daughter. She'll be sobbing. Ma'am, the phone isn't even on trial. I'll tell you what is on trial. My love for my children.

It'll always be on trial. And guess what? I'm forever guilty of being the best mother I know how to be. In the first degree. Sure, I may not be the best mother I know how to be in the first degree. Sure, I may not be the best mother. I may not be the best mother in the world, but give me some credit

for trying. The best way that I knew how. And Elizabeth Shue is there and she's like, uh, wasn't that in Soap Dish that was about that soap opera you were in? That's so Persian! That's, Persian

people totally recite things from Soap Dish when they're trying to love their children. And white people are like, I'm not gonna speak my feelings. Homegirl is like, Persian to the nth degree. What's up, Siggy? By the way, over at the Chris Brown update, girl in the red jacket is

sauntering around this house like she owns it and the cops are questioning her again she's like you might have some gum and she's eating some gum now what would imagine okay i'm gonna well let's let's do a an impromptu mailbag question what would happen if ciggy were there right now? Oh my God. Well, we did Siggy's, we did, Siggy's, we looked at, what's his buttons? Chris Brown's Instagram, where he was going off in the police during the bonus episode.

Okay, so what would it be if that was Siggy? Well, see, I'm just imagining Siggy there trying to mediate. Okay, Chris, you gotta come out here, Chris. Christopher, Christopher, okay. You have to know I love you. All I care about is your health right now, Christopher. And you have to come out here and you have to talk.

Because I told you, you can't have this mansion if you keep causing crimes, okay? And you caused a crime. But you know what? I still love you. You're my son, Christopher. What is that outside a bounty house that's not inflated? Christopher, what's happening to you? Christopher, I just want to have a talk with you.

Christopher, get off your phone. Because all he's doing is going on Instagram during this whole thing. So it's actually perfect that Ziggy's trying to mediate. But even Chris Brown won't get off his phone for Ziggy. Christopher, you have to speak to these men here. They love you. You don't understand.

You guys just don't get each other. You know, you're a very deep person, Chris, and the cop is shallow. So when you're coming from two different places, but you know what I do know? Is that you love each other very much. So come on out, Christopher. Christopher! He's like, I do jobs! She's like, I know, Christopher.

I know. Come down. Do your jobs down here. Christopher, let me tell you something. You gotta redo your kitchen. I'm sorry. You're moving on tell you something. You gotta redo your kitchen. I'm sorry. You're moving on. Next chapter. This kitchen's gotta go. I'm sorry. He would come out, but he told me he's sick of ratchet-ass hoes

coming up on him every three months. He told me black lives matter, okay? He just kept saying cop to chopper over and over again. Christopher, the cops are going to keep coming back until you redo your kitchen, okay? That's it. That's what I'm saying. You've got to get a new start on life now, Christopher. I'm telling you because the cops love

you, but they don't love this Formica, okay? Frank wants you to come down and Frank's the boss. You've got to do something about this backsplash, Chris. You've got to do something about it. I'm sorry. I love you, Christopher. I love you, but you've got to change this backsplash chris you gotta do something about it i'm sorry i love you chris christopher i love you but you gotta change this backsplash baruch atah adonai backsplash shalom house okay what else is in that mailbag

uh benjamin cohen speaking of members of the tribe he says essentially convicted felon teresa judais and bethany have the same voice yes the difference being that says, essentially convicted felon Teresa Giudice and Bethany have the same voice. Yes. The difference being that Teresa is a moron and Bethany is a genius. How do you think it would sound if Bethany called Sri to her office to voice disgust about her skinny Italian cookbooks

as a cheater brand? Okay, here we go. I'll be, shall I be Bethany? Because you do a better choice. Okay, yeah, you be Bethany. So, what's the matter? What's going on? Hello?

Hello? Hello? What's the matter? What are you saying hello for? Like, you're here. Like, we know you're here. Let's just get to it. Like, okay.

You know what? Okay, I'll just get right to it. Okay. Like, I don't like your cookbook. Okay? It's a cheater brand of a skinny girl. Like, your Italian kitchen. Like, I don't get it. It's not Italian. It's not a kitchen. Like, it's just like tomato sauce. Like, I don't know what thatbook, okay? It's a cheater brand of Skinny Girl. You're Italian kitchen? I don't get it.

It's not Italian. It's not a kitchen. It's just like tomato sauce. I don't know what that is. Why? Who? When? Where?

How? I don't get it. I don't want it. Honestly, I never want to see you again, okay? I'm sorry. Hold on. Do you mind if I use your bathroom? Yeah, Joe.

Stick it inside of me in the bathroom. Joe loves me. I want the bathroom, Joe. Take us soaps. Like, I literally don't even know who Joe is. Like, who's Joe? There's like five people here named Joe. Like, honestly, is everyone in New Jersey named Joe? Like, I can't. Like, everyone's a cheater brand of each other. Like, every name is a cheater brand.

Like, honestly, if I have to talk to you anymore, Teresa, if I have to give you any more business advice, like, I can't. Like, I took you to my brand summit. It's too much. Like, honestly, I'll be on the floor, like, dying in the tomato sauce. Like, just drown me in the plum tomatoes. Like, literally, I can't. Like, a little bit's too much. honestly i'll be on the floor like dying in the tomato sauce like just drown me in the plum tomatoes like i literally i can't like a little bit too much like joe will even joe will even this is the first person that hurt me since i've been back from camps joe will evens joes so you wait so you go to like camp you're like an adult but you go to camp like like i don't get that like what is that like why why are you in

camp are you like a counselor like don't you have to be certified to be a counselor like i i don't get it like i don't understand what this camp is like like you know is is like when you're in camp are you like a counselor like don't you have to be certified to be a counselor like i i don't get it like i don't understand what this camp is like like you know is is like when you're a child you go to camp but like you're an adult like like i can't like honestly like do you understand i don't want to be the one telling you this right now i don't want to be do you understand this that i don't want to tell you that adults don't go to camp solving moving a cut back and forth like she's trembling really slowly that's the slowest jump i've ever seen in my life, Joe. Like, I can't.

Do you understand? Before we talk any further, do you understand? I can't. I don't want to be there. I don't want to be the one telling you this, Tree. I don't have any lines right now because Teresa's standing at the elevator trying to figure out how to make it work. Literally, my wall is up. My elevator wall is up.

Like, you can't get out because my wall is up. Oh, by the way, guess who's famous now? Who? Girl in the red jacket. Oh, the press is around the girl in the red jacket. Oh, my God. Glad she took some gum. Stupid.

Oh, my God. I'm so jealous. I can't see it. Oh, mailbag. God damn it, we love you, mailbag. We love you, Mailbag. We love you, Mailbag. So now, here we go to the very luxurious county of Orange. Oh, wow.

One of the real housewives of Orange County. Hey, guys, I don't know if you have realized this lately, but... Yeah, man. David is so happy. So, so happy, David. That is all I could think about this entire episode. Shannon trying to laugh too hard and saying, I'm so happy. Am I on a cloud?

Yes. Yes. David, David, why am I on a cloud? David, why aren't we on a plane? Did you bring my cloud juice, David? Did you bring my cloud antidote? I could die, David. David, did you bring my cloud defogger, David?

David. Might be clowder. David, David was so sweet to bring me into the clouds for our second honeymoon. Unfortunately, I'm allergic. Unfortunately, I refuse to be on the cloud because people can hack it. David. David. Oh, David, the only time I go through a cloud is to get to the moon.

Where her real love lies is Dr. Moon's office. The only time I ever go on a cloud is to see David's Gmail account. David? David. I told you, no more Gmail. I cloud, you cloud, we cloud, we all cloud together, David.

We open in Rancho Santa Fe, the most romantic place north of the Marriott Laguna. I'm trying to come up. I don't know all the little cities outside, but Rancho Santa Fe does not sound very sexy. It sounds hot. It sounds very suburban. it's like i think it's an affluent neighborhood but it sounds like golf courses and wide streets with protected green left arrows and a wendy's and an el pollo loco and perhaps a you know quiz loco and like a competing taco cabana and it's the talk of the town they're like can you believe that taco cabana would open right up the street. David! So, um,

they are, they're, it's dinner, the whole family's there. Dear Jesus, I just wanted to say thank you for this meal. Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yay, Shannon. Am I right, Jesus? I'm like, oh, Dad, can we just eat our fucking French toast? It's like, it was

so romantic, kids! I'm smiling, I'm blushing like a bride kids what a happy family we are david david aren't we a happy family so happy right now i can't believe it we're gonna be going to cabo cabo kids wait a minute what if What if I get sick and they don't have stuff? Will they have it in Cabo, David? He's like, oh, Jesus. Dear Jesus, I'm sorry for hanging up. Please get back on the phone. It could be very difficile to find things. Difficile? Difficulte?

David. David, what's the word? David. I know my Spanish. I play second in the national Spanish competition. Pono poquito tortilla picante, David. Where did you grow up? Quesadilla taco picante. Tomatillo, David.

David, who's tomatillo? So then we get over to Megan and Jim, the second most exciting couple on the show yeah megan hey jim what's the weather gonna be like in palm springs he's like shut up i don't know oh yeah he's so funny isn't he he's she's like yeah jimmy he's like really grumpy but he like really was tearing up uh over those bowel renewals because he secretly wants one so badly and jimmy's like looking through his clothes like yeah babe yeah whatever babe yeah shut the fuck up he's like i was yawning so much that like literal tears came out he was not feeling anything we saw him he was facing away from you the entire time megan he was crying because i'm sand blue in his eye

he was crying because he was too drunk when he married you not to sign a goddamn prenup trust me that's the only reason you're around no he was he was crying because he was too drunk when he married you not to sign a goddamn prenup trust me that's the only reason you're around no he was he was crying because he's like oh fuck now megan's gonna want to have vow renewals even though i just married her 18 months ago well i do but even more now because my friend passed away one time like oh megan oh geez i want to renew my vows and i want to make sure that when we do it you inject me with something because like needles are a really big part of my story now i dedicate these vows to prostate cancer so we can actually go i just blew snot out of my face god it's so gross so now we go to springs the merv grerv Griffin estate. Oh, yeah. Merv Griffin estate, which is where Vicky and the grandkids and Brianna, they rented it for Vicky.

I can't speak. Every time I would watch Wheel of Fortune, I would see, you know, Merv Griffin. Didn't he produce, like, all those game shows? Yeah, they didn't even know who he was. I'm like, have you never seen Jeopardy before? Jesus. You totally asked that in question form, and it should have been an answer form. Who is Merv Griffin?

Who knows? Am I right? Oh, God. Are we in Jeopardy? What's going on? Oh, God. Baby Troy. Get Baby Troy.

Get down to Storm Shelter. Tornado. We're in Jeopardy. Bob's rings. Baby Troy would be sucked up by a hurricane because he'd just be outside like, I'm gonna throw a ball in pool. I'm gonna throw a ball in pool. I'm gonna throw a ball in pool.

That's all he thinks about is throwing balls in pool. Like he did it 20 times this episode. I know, the entire episode was then fetching balls out of the pool. Merv Griffin's ghost is like, I did not make those pools for balls to be thrown into. Merv Griffin's like, girl, that is a good game show idea. Babies throwing balls in pools.

How did I not think of that? He's all rolling over in his Jeopardy grave. Pool of fortune. He's like, rolling over in a Jeopardy grave. Who's Merv Griffin? Finally, these bitches learned how to play this game. Yeah. Yeah, because then we see, because Tamara's like, i think he's a talk show host and brianna's funny she's like i know who he is because there's a seinfeld episode which of course we all remember and then kelly's like i don't even know who murph griffin is this is the woman who loves to announce

i am educated you called me that i am educated kelly i hope he's single uh you're married so how about you pretend that you're not still cheating on your husband openly like i don't right after you whined about your daughter thinking you're a whore on national tv she's like i hope he's not married i don't know who merv griffin is but this house is nutritious poor merv griffin he's like this is what I built like this is what I built right here these dodo birds walking around the house like who's Merv Griffin I don't know you know

I don't know I don't watch Harry Potter did he invent the games on the back of the Cap'n Crunch box that I don't care woohoo who cares I don't know I don't watch sports I don't know who Woohoo. Woohoo who cares? Woohoo who cares? I don't know. I don't watch sports. I don't know who Merv Griffin is. That's Merv Albert. Merv Albert.

I don't know. Herb Albert? Oh, I love to watch Creed. I love shopping at Albertsons. Fat Albert. God, he was fat. Why you call me fat? They just have

They just have like really the most extreme telephone game of all time like you know who griffin is why are you calling me well this was kind of a tamra telephone this whole episode because this whole episode was centered on shit that tamra heard that she repeated to other people exactly and tamra did her usual line is what am i going to learn to shut my big fat mouth batch like i don't know it's been about six seasons and you still haven't learned so i wouldn't

i wouldn't give put too much hope into that but i like that this christian tamra is at least being funny about it she's like when will i ever learn to be quiet bad like she totally is doing it on purpose and it's kind of hilarious i can't believe i am liking tamra it feels so uncomfortable well i always i i mean i always like her and i always hate her at the same time i never truly hate her i never you know there's certain people on these shows that i hate but like tamra i'm always like she is such a vile person but i like truthfully i love her she's tamra she's tamra she's always hilarious she's consistently always hilarious i've always thought she's funny but yeah she's never had a dull season i think she act believe it or not i think she's one of the few housewives that has never ever ever had a dull season and that's amazing considering how many seasons she's

been on you know what the same could be said for vicky i don't know vicky went through that whole season remember when she was all depressed and she she's like, woohoo. Woohoo. That's true. Her love tank. Yeah. And some of the dawn seasons were a little boring. Woo. So meanwhile, back in Rancho Santa Fe, Shannon and David are packing for Cabo. So we have all sorts of exciting glimpses into their super happy marriage.

Like Shannon saying, David. David. Wear the tennis shoes, David. David. And David saying really romantic things like, dear, do you want your distilled water? I slept in my robe over my negligee, David. David, isn't that a great way to resuscitate our sex life when I get into bed in a robe over my negligee?

I brought some chemical-free Band-Aids just in case we want to get spicy later. I feel like I have to look under the bed. David? David, what's under the bed? That was hilarious, Shannon, just looking under the bed over and over. What did I forget? You want your nasal thing?

The worst remake ever of Poltergeist. David? Is there a clown under the bed? David? The little girl just keeps running from the light. She's like, God damn it, get back here! The clown skitters away. Ah!

All the skulls in the pool are like, you know, bye. We're going to leave St. Ranch or Santa Fe. David, I love when Shanty, for some reason, but I love when Shanty gets up from the bed. She's like, I'm a little dizzy now. A little dizzy. David, get my inner ear medication. They showed David a couple of times

where he was just like, are you fucking kidding me, lady? I planned like a 20-course anniversary and you're looking under the bed and now I have to remind you about nasal drip or whatever while we're trying to be romantic. Can you please at least pretend?

David, nasal passages. He's like, oh, jeez, dear. David, I love you so much But I'm having 20 to 30 negative thoughts About my packing right now So just give me a moment Let me look under the bed one more time Before my dizziness comes back

David David David Here's my Shambador Killed by dizziness from looking under the bed Because David couldn't pick up everything for her Here's a Shambador swirl swirling so back over at my door killed by dizziness from looking under the bed because david couldn't pick up everything for her here's a shannon bedore swirl dead that's well dead who's is shannon bedore swirling the live ice cream cone nope um so back over at megan's megan's like

yeah me and vicky are trying to move on and she goes yeah well she's you know like murph griffith's house is right next to where we're staying so when in rome and jim goes you don't even know what that means stop saying it when rome go to your neighbor's house she's like yeah that's true like i just i don't know like i keep hearing it yeah that literally made no sense he's saying whenever just because you're well we're gonna be in the same neighborhood so you know when in rome he's like please stop saying that you're embarrassing you know birds of a feather no no no that doesn't work either well that's the way the cookie crumbles a little better

you know we'll go see vicky because you know takes one to know one am i right he's like oh you are so stupid please don't talk you can't have your cake and eat it too no no no whatnot whatnot my right jim good work if you can get it i don't know if that's even the right expression hang in there Good work if you can get it. I don't know if that's even the right expression. Hang in there. Okay. So we're back in Palm Springs at Merv Griffin's house. And Tamara has arrived with Kelly.

Right? With Kelly? Yeah. That's a bad sign. I can't believe Kelly didn't come filled with poison to spew at vicky because normally if tamra has you alone for two hours in a car you will leave filled with total bile that you just want to get out all over everybody else yeah but she didn't and so they're talking and the kid i won't throw a ball in pool he's doing that and uh they're like so v Vicky, are you dating Betch? And she's like, oh yeah, you know, the guy here, guy there.

It's called playing in the field, ladies. I play in the field, love tank. When has Vicky not been dating 10 guys on this show? Even when she's been married. Like, who are you kidding, Betch? That's probably why Brianna told her son, Nana's a tramp. She's like, maybe this time he won't have been arrested. Maybe he'll's a tramp. She's like, maybe this time he won't have been arrested.

Maybe he'll have a job. It's like, yeah, maybe this one, I don't know, she won't have to buy him new teeth, and he won't be lying on the back counter. Okay, batch? Batch. So we learned that Vicky is going to surprise Brianna with Ryan, because

Ryan's trying to wrap up his tenure with the Marines. No, he's not trying to wrap it up. He's in the process of medically retiring. Oh, because he has that back issue or that quote-unquote back issue. So Vicky is going to surprise Bri with Ryan showing up. So that's an exciting thing. And then they're talking about uh shannon and vicky's like well oh yeah well you know shannon she didn't respond to me

till today and she said oh sorry i'm going to cabo but you know she's just gonna throw out her throw out our friendship that's fine i think it's sad i think it's sad but you know what like you know i hope her vows were good but you know didn't work for me and don so good luck with that oh my god such a good point too and i love that she's such a bitch vicky says so many evil things in this episode so calmly just like oh well you know hope it works out better than it did for me oh yeah you know i really feel sorry for david because he's gonna pay for that affair for a long time that was that was the best part but she's not she's not wrong yeah she's not wrong he's gonna be paying for that forever yeah Yeah. So Brianna, wait.

I'm trying to find where I'm on my notes. I'm so sorry I got distracted because on the Chris Brown livestream, girl in the red jacket is now standing. Okay, you know when one leg is straight, but then one toe is crossed over the ankle? Like a girl from the 50s talking, and she's talking really animatedly to the cops. Like she's telling them all this wonderful

story. Can you guys believe it? Oh, Jesus. Okay, enough of that. I'm not looking at that anymore. Tamara. Oh, Tamara goes, yeah, Vicky,

seriously, if you're dating someone batch, you should bring them around. It's so weird. Vicky doesn't like bringing guys around us someone batch like you should bring them around like it's so weird Vicky doesn't like bringing guys around us like because of Brooks and I'm like whatever it was just a fake counter you have tried to rip down everybody at all times don't pretend that was just Brooks who was the one before Brooks Dawn it was Dawn was it yeah they she mainly just tried to bring down Brooks like he's he's everyone did yeah but that was like uh trying to get back at vicky for saying that her husband was abusive oh this show oh the

history so heather's not coming yes so now yeah heather's not coming you said that heather and terry date night right yeah heather and heather and terry on on one of their like billion date nights um and they sit down and the waitress asks if there's any like dietary issues and terry goes oh i'm on the seafood diet you know i see food and i eat it it's like great one terry haven't heard that one before and the waitress just gives him this look like really this is my chance to be on oc and you're doing this to me get out of my restaurant i know she's like okay old person here's something to shit in in and you're doing this to me get out of my restaurant i know she's like okay old person here's something to shit in in case you can't make it to the toilet hey let

me guess when you leave you're gonna when i pick up your plates later you're gonna say nope didn't like it at all when there's nothing left on your plate yeah are you gonna do that go fuck yourself sir go fuck yourself oh alfredo be quiet so she's like where's alfredo we love alfredo um heather is going on and on you know heather's typical thing where she's trying to pretend she's enjoying date night but her eyebrows are you know in the back of her head and her she has her big old gerbil eyes yeah she's like this is so great and you know when i was with the kids the other day we had a great time here's a great story terry we went to the park and then we went home like god no wonder this guy never comes home you're exhausting like that exactly nothing happened well so then um uh so then he's like

yeah so max is sending me pictures of empty chairs, of things I'm not at. And you can see Heather just getting so jealous. Like, those are my chairs. My chairs. I want to sit there. If you want this chair, then fine. You can have this chair. Fine.

I keep trying to tell him, Max, that chair was only empty because I was in the bathroom. It wasn't empty in general. But if you want to sit there, fine. She's like, I told him, listen, no empty chairs, empty tables here. We named her Colette, not Cosette. I remember we used to think her name was Cosette. We'd make so many Les Miserables

jokes. Oh, I love when we get something wrong and then just run with it, like when we did Apple Socks for Ramona and we had an entire episode of Apple Socks jokes and we found out it was not that at all. So this is a typical way. These relationships always end. He's like,

well, I need to spend more time with the kids. Maybe this year I won't be so busy. And then I'll be home on the weekends. And she's like, okay, I want to believe you, but I don't think you're capable of following through with that, Terry.

Which, let's face it. Let's face it. If he was home, Heather would kill him and herself. She doesn't want him home. Well, the funny thing is, you know, Heather wants it two ways. She'll spend episodes where she'll be like, I'm doing everything. Okay, I'm building a house. Okay, I'm taking the kids to school.

I'm working. I'm on Malibu Country Season 14. Okay, I do everything, and i don't get any credit for it i'm half of this marriage and then this one she's like listen you know i'm around the kids all the time and sometimes i have to work and very rarely but most of the time i'm just dedicating myself to the kids i'm like well what is it you're like working like crazy or you're being like with kids all the time which one is it lady yeah because these women are all full of some bullshit but heather heather can't help but be honest you know like even even when she's lying you see it all over her crazy gerbil face and i don't believe for one second that heather went to a park with her children does anybody is there one person

if there's one person can prove that that's the truth, I will give you a McChicken. To be fair, she considers the four-year-old Park. Well, there's a plant there. It was actually Park Overall's house. Backyard. You know I've always been a Laverne head. We worked together that one time. We were on the folding chairs together before a commercial audition for toothpaste, believe it or not,

because I was just telling the kids how they have to brush their teeth. And then one said, what about daddy? And I said, oh, here we go. You know, I never thought that when we auditioned for Empty Nest together, I would actually be living in an empty nest. Come home, Terry. I told Park, I'm living your life. I'm living every show title you ever made and i'm wearing

overalls so and seriously i'm over it all okay park park's like oh jesus christ why did i move to malibu country i'm the asshole in this relationship that's for sure so but the but i will say i mean it is a little fucked up but terry's like all right well i'm gonna make an effort you know like i'll be around for dinner now and like you know no more like skip no more not being around on the weekends and not even showing up for dinner i'm like wow i mean do you spend any time with your family terry like what's wrong with you no he doesn't at all but then heather you know heather's like of course you should do a a botched kids of course they did a spin-off but i forget what it's called it's called like botched by nature which means basically people who are ugly are ugly botched by nature

that's so mean you're botched. No, you were born that way, baby. Beautiful. So anyway, back over at Merv Griffin's estate. So Kelly and Tamara are talking about Heather, and there's this thing. So now the whole thing, they're just talking about Heather because Kelly is now doing her impersonation of Heather. And Kelly is just going off on Heather about how like high and mighty she is. And she goes, you don't – that's crazy. Like you don't act like you're a hierarchy than me. A hierarchy. You're a hierarchy than me.

I am educated. That's a nutritious attitude to take. Nutritious, I tell you. You don't have – don't be a hierarchy on me. Get off your arcy, lady. You're not hierarchy than me. Come down to the lower arcy, okay, with all the other animals. And then Kelly's standing up for herself, and she's like, I sent her a text.

Okay, I know that that wasn't nice of me to call her a brr-brr-br sent her a text and she didn't even write me back and then it goes to heather like well that crazy lady like she called everybody up but then she sent me a text okay and listen terry it says i was very wrong i'm sorry about the words coming out of my mouth. But then she ends it with an emoji that's making this face. What does that mean, Terry? What is that emoji? Who does that? You know what, though? I'm with Heather on that.

Like, who ends an apology text with the emoji that has one eye blinking and a tongue sticking out? Like, what? I mean, Kelly is, like, she really is a tire fire. And I love her. But she is, I mean, she is such trash. Like, she is love her. But she is such trash. She is such trash, but hilariously wonderful trash. We'd be nowhere without her. So, Kelly, if you're listening, I'm saying you're trash, but truly from a place of love.

You don't have to get defensive. We love you because you're so, so, so trashy. Yeah, that was like a Ray. It's like a Ray trash, where we mean we love you and we want to go to ibiza with you it's like oscar the grouch oscar the grouch lives in trash he's nothing but trash and he's beloved by america so you are basically our oscar the grouch but you're oscar the lush basically your personality is pilling our green fur so we love you i also love that when she's when she's talking to uh to tamra tam is like, I can't believe this batch during this impersonation.

Do you ever think before you speak? Mike, Tamra, please. Cut to Tamra laughing her ass off at said impersonation. I know. But by the way, it's bad if even Tamra is telling you to think before you speak when she is the queen of just speaking without thinking. I know. This whole turnaround with tamra is hysterical to me i can't wait to see her return to satan that's going to be the best dinner party

and the whole rest of the episode by the way it's ever been like i gotta learn to shut my big mouth there goes my big mouth again when will i ever learn my big mouth is starting everything love it yeah so the other big surprise you know vicky is a very entertaining person nothing really too surprising or fun about her it's like oh the first place is ryan oh wow that sounds great it's like a parade a very slow moving wonky parade that might yell at you if you put your feet on something and then the next surprise mich Michael wanders in and she goes, my son! My son! Hey.

He's like, oh, Jesus. He always has that look on his face like, oh, fucking A, Jesus. Oh, my God. The kids are here. Oh, great. Now I got hit by a pool noodle. Great. Ball in pool. You want to go ball in pool?

And Brianna's like, well, you know, he's not real into the kids yet because he's still playing around, playing the field, you know. But now that they're old enough to play soccer and stuff, he's real into it. And then it just shows the kids hitting him with noodles. And he's like, whoa. That's great. I'm going to go to the Ace Hotel. So then the thing is, before Michael comes in, right before, they're all like sitting around a table. We learned, by the way, that Tamara is – well, we got a hint of this before, but she's planning a trip to Glamis Dunes for Eddie's birthday.

I'm like, how many birthday parties do we have? It's like every episode is a birthday party. But then everyone – so now there's like some gift-giving around the table. And so Kelly gives a gift to Vickyicky and then she also gives one to brianna because her birthday is coming up and now tamra of course is like i can't believe that kelly knew that brianna's birthday was coming up and got her a gift and like no one told me like great thanks vicky now i'm the bitch i didn't give her a gift i can't believe that kelly's on the inside track and not me oh my god you women just are like every single thing becomes like a crime against humanity like victimization

i can't believe i wasn't told about getting a gift for brianna yeah thanks facts um sorry yeah you've already given brianna a gift and it was that string tank top that said what did it say it was like psalms number 590 Batch not lest you be batch batched. Whatever. And it was like some string tank top, five sizes too small for Brianna. So you've already been thoughtless and thoughtful at the same time. I walked through the valley of the valley of the batch. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards,

played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power,

money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about,

especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app

or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. The only way to get into heaven is through me batch.

Batch versus batch. Do you want to betches as betches would do on to you? into heaven is through me, betch. Betch versus betch. Do unto betches as betches would do unto you. I'm out of Bible quotes. And then she cut off his hair. What a betch. I have no quotes. Wait, his hair is power, betch, but I bet

the hair look great on you, betch. Okay, so now let's go over to Cabal St luke oh no so now i was oh never mind oh no you're right yeah i wrote ryan arrives with man boobs that's all i got ryan shows up i i think the only reason why he showed up because he heard that someone had their feet up on a couch let's be honest let's face it get your feet off the couch bitch who told you i'd be coming who shut up bitch who told you i'm going to palm desert where's merv where is he bitch i'm trembling in my boots where's merv who do you know in merv griffin's days who who do you know merv griffin in his days

you're trash kelly you're trash um so uh but it was cute cute moment when when Ryan showed up and the kids were screaming like, Daddy. You know, that's nice. You know, that always works. The soldier comes home early, surprises the family. Whatever. He hasn't been a soldier. He's been sitting in Oklahoma getting fat because he has like a slipped disc or something. I'm falling for it with Ryan, okay?

Ever since he yelled at somebody's mom. I don't care. No. Bad Ryan. Bad. I'm with you. I feel like that was something that was really never addressed and the fact that they didn't even talk about it on that the real housewives

uncensored still makes me mad it makes me sad because you know like mother like daughter and i just hope that brianna didn't marry a total jackass like vicky did i mean tom was kind of nice i actually liked on except when he called vicky a bitch and stuff on national tv that wasn't tom was nice but he was a putz yeah so anyway so now over in cabo we get to see david and chanice video diary because we just love it uh shannon's drunk on they're they're doing a little shannon david cam it's yeah neither one of them knew how to work which is so funny they kept turning it on themselves and david's bug would be like, well, I think it's on, dear. Are we supposed to press this button?

I think it's on. David, is it on? And then they'd turn it back. Now get me running up the beach like Bo Derek. It's like, is that really a good idea, Shannon? The video diary basically consisted of her listing things that she forgot. Well, you know, we're here, but I forgot my hairbrush and my bathing suit and toothpicks. And, you know, I was thinking about bringing a pizza cutter,

but, you know, I didn't bring that. I wouldn't want pizza anyway. But, you know, it's good to demarcate where you're going to be on the beach. You make a little line in the pizza cutter and forgot a saran wrap and some distilled water. And I think we also forgot a foam tombstone, you know, for those moments we need to kill David.

And David forgot swimsuits. David planned the trip, for Christ's sake. He's like, wow, why don't you come out of the water like Bo Derek, dear? Oh, that blonde lady coming out of the water. Oh, David. He's like, hey, dear, why don't you run all the way down the other side of the beach and come running back very slowly very very slowly all right david he's like looking around just checking checking out everyone else on the beach giving himself one glimpse um then she runs up and shows her boots this is what you want to see david russ david oh yeah she's like yeah this is some boobies

so now tamra gossiping with Vicky back at the Merv Griffin Ranch. And Tamara's starting shit. They're cooking in the kitchen. Well, Vicky is. And Tamara's like, I'm really, like, concerned. What do you think about Kelly coming onto this party to glamour students? Because, like, what if she comes

batch? And then she says, like, batch. Like, there's gonna be cats. And, like, you know, like, Heather's worried. Like, what if her kids get ruined by batch batch and vicky's like oh gosh is heather coming oh gosh she's bringing her son how did this how did heather make this about herself which is so true of course everything revolves around heather and who she will or will not film with and by the way i think kelly is the least should be the least of her concerns. I mean, has she not seen Tamara, how she behaves at a party? Come on now. Or Vicky?

Yeah. Your kids basically sit around a TV and watch your husband mark tits with a Sharpie to decide how to make them more fuckable. Okay. I think that you've kind of lost ground on that moral issue, lady. Yeah. Yeah. So then – What about Gladys Batch? Sorry. Yeah yeah i just had gladness written down again

um so then yeah so the big question of like well we'll like we'll be cursing we'll be cursing so now it's like so now kelly's getting riled up she's like what i am a grown woman she thinks i don't know how to talk around kids. I have a child. I have the most well-behaved child. Now she's like overly mad and also kind of drunk. And she's like, hey, look, I'll call her a cut fitness at adult hours, okay? I don't have to do that at lunch. For Christ's sake.

Who does she think she is, that dumb fuck? Of course I can control my mouth. Hey, baby Troy. Ball and pool. think she is that dumb fuck of course i can control my mouth hey baby troy okay so tamra is on the phone with hedler base head tattling heather the the hedler she's like the batman villain like listen here batman um she's on the phone with heather tattletailing yeah and then heather's like i'm not at Kelly. I'm just horrified by her behavior. Because Heather's whole thing now is like, you know, I got an apology, but then I heard she was imitating me. I'm like, you have to really calm down, Heather. Okay, just calm down.

And Tamara goes, yeah, but why didn't you respond to her text? You should have responded to her text. And Heather's like, I didn't respond to emojis. I did not appreciate the behavior of that emoji. She's like, I sent her a symbol emoji. You know, like one of those symbols in the back of the emoji pile. That's like super boring that no one ever uses. It's like, thanks, Heather.

Thanks for sending me that strange symbol. It's like a caution sign in France. Like, what the fuck is this? The emoji people are like like someone finally used that emoji we have at the back of the pile or the heather mall house emoji just that like palace it's like five a five-story mall it's like mall emoji or one of those annoying landscapes that's in a picture frame i hate those emojis that are in a frame makes them so small um but meanwhile while while tamra's talking to heather on the phone kelly is now at the pool

and she's all fired up again being like why does like why does heather think that like you know like i'm just gonna be cursing like a sailor like you know she doesn't know me she doesn't know me she doesn't know anything about me i'm like well yeah but what you've shown her is that you are a drunken mess who curses like crazy and you're out of you're out of control i mean i think heather is within reason for thinking that she'll be a total disaster and sorry kelly you gotta like own up to your actions yeah but also heather's on a housewife show so people don't have to go by your stupid book of rules heather especially when you're so nouveau and you don't even follow those rules yourself yeah i really like the please and thank yous. But come on, Heather.

I mean, Heather's definitely exploiting it. She's definitely being like, oh, I have I have a chance to be high and mighty. So she's definitely going taking it way too far. But Kelly is also in denial. You know, like like she has to understand that if you act like garbage, people can treat you like garbage. Yeah. Especially if they just met you. Yeah. Unless you're Chris Brown and you don't put out your garbage on the right days, as we learned today.

Okay, update. Everybody's walking into Chris Brown's house now with face masks on. Not like terrorist groups, but paper face masks. Yeah, they're afraid of syphilis or something. I don't know what they're going to catch in there. The cold? I don't know. The girl with the red jacket is still

telling the story to the police and they look like they want to kill her okay so megan i mean kelly is saying all that stuff but she's doing it in front of the men and the men are like really ryan's like i just got here i still have this is this stupid talk is what slipped my disc in the first place he probably slipped his disc yelling at that old lady in the first place. And now he's listening to Kelly go off and Mike just looks, he cracks his back. He's like, can I go check, please? And then to make things even better,

Megan's going to come, but Tamara's like, but Megan says she doesn't know if she wants to come batch because it's like 45 minutes away. It's because she's doing the walking directions instead of the driving directions. She's so stupid. It's like Kinta. There's doing the walking directions instead of the driving directions she's so stupid they're like it's like kinta there's like one street justice knowledge i was like 40 minutes away that's so far but then i investigate it turns out

it's only one minute away justice by the way i have to say that the funniest part about ryan being there is that when kelly was again ranting again ranting and she was talking about like she doesn't like people telling her what to do. And she's like, what about you, Ryan? Would you like it if some random person told you what to do? And he's like, that's my least favorite thing is when some random person tells me what to do. Now, excuse me while I go yell at a random old lady about getting off the couch. Exactly. I think that's why he got so mad because she's like, don't yell at me.

He's like, how dare you tell me what to do, bitch? That couch came from Ashley Furniture. It is precious. Get off of it. How dare you disrespect my mother-in-law? Who he's done nothing but like throw shade at the whole time. Oh, gosh. So Megan shows up and she's brought a gift and it is a

wine glass and a tumbler why are those all over my tv i can't with those it's like the white trashiest thing and they're everywhere it's like here's your gift i got it from the bedroom in the hotel i thought you were gonna say that she got them the gift of awareness that she's now pregnant because that is the most precious gift we can have, knowing that Megan is pregnant. He's like, oh my god, you're two weeks into understanding the adult conversations. Congratulations, Megan.

Meanwhile, she's like, look, I have a bump. I'm like, no, you just had a burrito. That's all that is. It's a boy and a girl. I can feel them inside of me. How big is that penis? does the penis even develop oh my god someone's taking his shirt off in front is that chris brown taking off his shirt oh my god i have to go on i can't i can't wait i'm so sorry this is my fault i'm sorry i've been paying attention but now someone's like taking off his shirt oh he put it back on okay emergency over

some girls are eating a lollipop okay emergency ever so megan comes over and the end of that scene megan goes so vicky how do you know murph griffin lol i think that is by the way i went on it does looks no it's not it's not chris brown it's too cooperative his facial strong like that right yeah now you got me looking at it it's a different guy because he's also wearing those like uh those flip-flop shoe things it's not this this guy hasn't been out here before and he's gesturing like a crazy drug addict chris brown but wouldn't they have him on the floor with his hands behind his head because he's been refusing to come out i mean the face sort of looks like chris brown to be honest it doesn't he's talking all kinds of nonsense. He looks too friendly.

His body language is too friendly. So I'm going to say it's not Chris Brown, but it sort of looks like Chris Brown. Me too. We're on the case. We're on the case. Okay, so, Shannon. Happy! That's all I wrote. Shannon, happy. Basically, David was naked in the

hot tub, and she's like, David. So happy. I was like, I wonder if my potatoes are finished cooking in the toaster oven. They weren't. So I came back and watched some more TV. David never liked to swim in hot tubs before. David. David.

So Heather, Tamara, and Kelly. Okay. So they're back in Orange County. And Tamara's like, I've got an idea. Why don't we all three go to lunch and work this out? Which is never a good idea. But this time, shockingly, it kind of was. Tamara, again, still buying it. Tamara, nice work.

So she takes Heather and Kelly to lunch. And Heather's like, listen, Tamara. Kelly's not there yet. Heather's like, tamra kelly's not there yet heather's like listen tamra i just don't know if i want to see kelly after her behavior her behavior tamra her behavior but out of respect for you i will have lunch with her oh thanks thank you thank you heather and then by the way i thought you'd be so excited when this waitress came because this waitress is probably the award for most waitressy Bravo waitress of all time because she literally came to the table and goes, hi. I literally thought it was – I actually thought it was Kelly approaching because it was such a familiar hello. I was like, oh, wait.

That's just a waitress? It's like stop imitating Alfredo and bring me an iced tea. Now get away from your Alfredette. So then Kelly comes in. We know she's serious because she's wearing a very serious fedora. She's like, all right, I'm wearing my Arizona fedora. And she walks in like that too. Kelly's like, hi, how are you guys?

And Heather goes, exhausted. A bit up since three in the morning. And Kelly gives her a look like, okay, bitch. And then she goes, I'll have a Pellegrino. Yeah. Which has to be the funniest thing Kelly said all year. She unfortunately thought it was a cocktail. This cocktail is not very strong, bitch.

She's like, is he married? So they all just stare at each other. Because Heather's looking at her like, where's your apology? Giving her that look. And Kelly's looking at her like, where am I? Who's Pellegrino? And what's a taco? Like, she has no clue what's happening.

And Tamara's all uncomfortable. So Tamara just says, this is great, bitch. Going great. So Heather has to get into it. She's like, I feel like we were getting along really well. Claw hand, claw hand, claw hand. Claw hand, claw hand, claw hand, claw.

I've never been involved in something like that, that language, that behavior. I felt like I was suffocating, and I had to leave. Not even with McIntyre talk like that on the set of Malibu country, which I was once on. Thank you very much.

Did she want a Frito? No. But when they were put on the craft services table, she said, thank God. Thank Fritos. Thank everybody. Thank you.

Lighting person. And we said, wow, what a person. Do you know what I'm saying? Kelly's like, where am I? Who is this bitch?

Let me tell you something. Reba McIntyre would never say, go fuck yourself, you dumb fuck. Never. Because she is a lady. That's why. Claw hand, claw hand, claw hand. Claw, claw, claw. So then Heather's big issue, her tort, was, why would you make fun of me?

What's going on? Why would you make fun of me? Like, because you make it too easy. That's why. Yeah, really. And Kelly just basically said, because you make it too easy. That's why. Yeah, really. And Kelly just basically said, because you told me to leave. And she starts doing that hysterical, who? You.

Who? You. She starts doing that kind of voice with her. She's like, you told me to leave. You did. You said leave. You did. Leave.

And Heather's like, I didn't say that. I think what I said was that you seem like a very lovely person. And I don't. And she goes, no, you didn't. You said leave! And Heather's like, I didn't say that. I think what I said was that you seem like a very lovely person. And I don't. And she goes, no, you didn't. You said leave. And then they cut to Heather saying that. But she was saying it like, I'm sure that somewhere deep down inside, you have a decent shred of humanity that's possibly okay and not completely odious.

But until that person comes out, you may exit. Yeah. She's so bad it was amazing because heather's like listen all i said is i think you're a lovely person and i think you're absolutely just so sweet and so wonderful but maybe you would step out for a moment you know i think i just appreciate if you just would leave for just one sec just just for a tad it's like no heather was not like that at all yeah and they cut and she's a total monster yeah um and then let's see and then tamra again oh she goes you were imitating me and tamra's like why can't i keep my mouth shot patch yeah and then this basically this was a huge fight where heather says behavior a lot and wags her finger on somebody's face and kelly's like well i i was you know i was hurt and i know that i didn't speak well you know she can apologize

well like any abuser they're very good apologies exactly well then she goes in this thing she was like well you know you know i heard that you don't want me coming to glamorous dunes because you're you think i'm not gonna be able to act properly in front of kids and and and Heather's like I never said that I never said that which is a lot because she did say it but but I'm sorry that Kelly said that Vicky said that and Heather did say it but she said it to Tamara now Tamara's like huh look at me my big fat mouth it was an exaggeration and then all of a sudden Kelly starts crying because do you understand how that made me feel I'm a good mother I went to school i'm educated you're not some hierarchy over me okay and let's please take note of this because this will be a huge fight where heather confronts vicky and it

was never vicky in the first place as usual it's something that tamra will start and will snowball and just go fucking crazy yeah oh, and then Heather finally comes around because Kelly starts crying, which Kelly really does have real tears, and she can whip them out. I mean, it's impressive. And Heather's like, well, her tears were actually tears.

So, I mean, as an actor, I have to respect that. It's very difficult to achieve. So she kind of forgives her on a provisional basis Like who cares stupid Heather Like who cares if Heather forgives you I won't be invited to another party That makes no sense in the front yard of your house Like we're gonna get a new bush in our front yard

Someone dig the first hole We've catered it Gosh And that was the episode. Oh, that was it, right? That was it. That was it. Basically, there was sort of like an uneasy truce.

Kelly was sobbing. I don't just attack people. And, you know. And there you go. It's all good. And next week we can watch them flip over in a dune buggy. Oh, yeah. I need medical attention over here.

Oh, my God. We almost died. Hey died hey guys remember that time we almost all died but jesus came you know that's gonna be whipped out yeah i said when that dune buggy was upside down i was like thank you for telling me to get my implants out jesus because those would have suffocated me. I can't believe my Jesus chariot flipped over. Chariot of, thank God that was not fire, Jesus, batch. Hey, batch, where we're going, we don't need roads, but we certainly need safety because we just rolled over. I'm sorry, that made no sense. I will not roll over for Kelly.

I did. I actually literally did. Never mind. Take it back. Okay. What do you want to do now? Pia, continue. Either one's fine.

I'm looking at the live feed now. I do think that's Chris Brown sitting there with someone. He came out all charming. He's like, hey, everybody, want me to tell you some stories? Hey, I did not just say go fuck the police. I'm here to be your friend. Did you see my Instagram where I talked about copper choppers? Let's move on to.

Oh, yeah, it is Chris. Because some girl came on. She's like, Chris looks totally relaxed. Like, I'm not Chris. He's like totally relaxed. That is Chris. He's out there charming the cops. He's all jerky.

He's all jerky and janky. He's got a friend. Listen, it's basically like a tea party out there. Yeah, pretty much. He's like, you guys want a bouncy house? It'll take 20 minutes to blow up. Shut up, Chris Brown. Speaking of felons, why don't we move on to Real Housewives of New Jersey? Okay, I'm closing

in honorarium of this wonderful podcast. I'm closing in honorarium of this wonderful podcast. I'm closing both my Chris Brown window. Okay, I'm going to close mine too. Because no one shot him. Like, I really thought Chris Brown was going to get, like something bad was going to happen. He was going to come out with guns or something.

You know, because it's been since three in the morning. It's like almost 12 hours that he's been doing this. Yeah, that's why Heather's been up. She got a call from Chris. Chris, what's going on i'm exhausted oh god i gotta meet with kelly later gosh i've been watching chris brown's instagram since three in the morning so tired does anybody know what a copper chopper is chris i'm concerned about having around my children can you promise me you won't get the cops involved okay promise me you won't say the c word around the cops you just said cops damn it chris i promise

me specific chris promise me you won't put a gun in front of my children okay promise me god okay so here we go you want to do a mini real housewives of new jersey's yeah sure so i just closed the i just closed chris brown's it won't be distracting so the reason why we're just going to do a mini is because nothing happened in this episode they edited the previews as they always do but it was most egregious this week they made it seem like there would be fighting there would be tensions there'd be screaming literally nothing happened be tensions. There would be screaming. Literally nothing happened. The women all went away for a spa, spa weekend, to some shitty place in the middle of New Jersey. When they walked in, first of all, they show up.

There's a butler. Okay. He has like champagne for them all. They're all lugging their suitcases up. No one's there to help them with their suitcases. The butler's just standing there watching them carry their giant bag. I know. That was the worst butler of all time, huh?

It was the worst. And they get in. They're like, wow, this is not right. Wow. There's this rug in the middle of the room that is like different shades of like teal and turquoise and purple and indigo. And it is so tackyy it's the most disgusting rug time and then there's like a bar and the bar has things like lemon juice in a bottle and like commercial sour mix yes it has all of the um gallon size mixers that you buy at like big

lots or whatever it's like the bloody margarita the bloody mary mix it was like like some cheap ass frat party bar like you know you think of a spa you know or luxury you imagine like some a bunch of lemons and limes and some fresh produce and some mint and basil you could pluck off like it's a spa you think natural and such it's like yeah we got this uh we got this sour mix over from amp yeah you're gonna go make yourself a nice uh tom collins with it oh god i'm not butler uh siggy and dolores when they come up siggy's like oh it's a butler oh hey butler hey hey do you need a wife haha you want to date a girl her name is dolores i got a girl for you and dolores hello gorgeous hello gorgeous i'm here

don't mind my car this is how i drive this is how i drive and dolores is like all right if i was gonna do the house after i left my husband but then i went to another guy but then like i ended up coming back to on my original husband but then i just felt alone like i need a new place would you give me new cabinets would you sand cabinets? Would you just give me the money? Like what was it? I quit. The butler's already hang. He's already hanged himself.

Yeah. The butler is like, I have a message from a Mr. Sal who says, shut the fuck up. You stupid bitch. And get to the gym before I slice your balls off and feed them to you up your butthole.

Like, ah, that guy's crazy. You know, what's crazy about this butler is that you know i remember once seeing this movie with the butlers i think it was clue it was called clue and you know it's funny because i never had a clue about what was going on in my marriage you know i never had a clue but then i met my second my second fiance and i was like whoa like i mean the first

guy looked like nothing like so then i was like wow but now i'm renewed and i'm going home okay put new tiles in and but i still don't have a clue how much it costs and i don't look i don't go to work you know what's on my you know boo is sick and I'm just trying my best and this is what it's going to be. Butler's like, so do you want champagne or not? Ziggy's like, that movie Clue would have been so different because it would have just been an open plan. Like nobody would have been able to hide because there wouldn't have been a wall in the kitchen.

That's what I want for you, honey. Here's the thing about Clue. All those people, they loved each other. They just didn't know how to say it. So they just were accusing each other of so many things because they felt insecure about themselves. But what they didn't realize, they loved each other all that time.

That person was frick. That person was frack. All they had to know was that if they were together in a bag, they would have made a delicious snack. You know what the reason why that movie had three endings? It's because there's never one path in life, okay? We all take different paths. And we have clues along the way.

And the butler sometimes turns out to be the man behind the curtain, okay? But that's what we learn. Because we all love each other. And I love my children. Speaking of love, Tree is talking. Tree is another one who's always trying to convince everyone that her husband loves her and he's not like banging people in truck stops or whatever so her romantic story she's like jealous sex to me he says calm your tits and then i said suck my tits that's the romantic three he loves you yeah she still doesn't understand what the expression tit for tat means she thinks

it's like erotica oh tit for tat joe um uh so the the one like minuscule moment of tension is sort of at the beginning of this spa weekend because as you know jacqueline and theresa just got in this big stupid fight and so now it's like oh jacqueline and tree they're in the same room how's it going to be so they all like arrive at the spa thing and jacqueline arrives after tree and tree's sitting there and everyone's like oh hi hi hi hi and then jacqueline goes downstairs to a room in the basement and she's like hey she doesn't want to say she's not gonna say hi she's not gonna say hi so then they call jacqueline up and they make this funny thing like jacqueline meet theresa theresa meet jacqueline and so then jacqueline does this super awkward thing where she like walks up and like extends her hand like a handshake just

nice to meet you and she's like i'm jacqueline therese like a hug and a kiss like what huh but it was really weird because you'd think it would be like a joke. Well, they both were dumb because Jacqueline extends her hand like a joke, but she also does in a super rigid way. Like, no, I'm not joking.

I'm only going to shake your hand. So Therese is like, I don't know, should I shake her hand also or should we hug? And the whole thing was just like really terrible. And so then Jacqueline

basically says, you know, when it comes to Therese, you know, I'll speak when spoken to. Meaning if Therese is friendly with me, I'll be friendly with her. I'm like, no. That's like literally not what that means.

That means that you're a child and you should be quiet until someone talks to you. Yes, exactly. Which you should try sometime, Jacqueline. Yeah. I mean, she is a child. They're all stupid, though, because they said, why don't we start over and pretend like you're just starting your whole relationship over? So she goes, hi, I'm Jacqueline. Teresa's like, what?

What's she doing? Why is she saying that? Like, huh? She doesn't remember me? Huh? It was so stupid. Teresa's stupidity is endlessly entertaining. I can see why they won't do the show without her.

She doesn't even have to do anything.'s like i got a text from chow then you know then by the way and like intercut through all this are like scenes of joe gorg endless scenes of him being like whoa now that melissa's not here i don't know how to do anything in the kitchen what's a baking sheet what's an oven what's a pencil i'm like how many of these scenes we have to watch thankfully with or without melissa i can press the fast forward button i was like bye joe you're stupid take off your shirt or you're dead to me um i was just writing down rando things because i could just tell this was not going well this episode uh so i just wrote down random things i like when ciggy was going well when i got a divorce my husband when

i met my husband he didn't have anything he didn't have a penny to his name he was so broke like he was poor and my friends were saying why would you marry a poor person you know like when you're down you see who your real friends are but you know what i say what goes down has to go back up no no it doesn't that's actually not how that works at all but like yeah welcome to gravity like you're gonna really flip your fucking face off when you hear about gravity lady she basically described her life in between marriages and it was essentially like the premise of too close for comfort she's like so then my parents we all moved into a townhouse because i couldn't afford anything and everything was great and then jim j we all moved into a townhouse because I couldn't afford anything. And everything was great. And then Jim J. Bullock moved in.

And then my dad started up a cartoon. And then all of a sudden Muriel was like, oh, my God. And then I met Michael Campanella. Michael Campanella. We didn't have much. But what we had was a whole lot of love. That's like the story of everything. Like she tells that to everyone.

So, ma'am, what would you like? I don't know what I'd like. I just want a whole lot of love that's what i want because that's what we all have uh you're in a drive-thru ma'am i don't care you can't drive through this love it's like a wall a mother's love is a wall you can't break it so there was a moment where theresa and oh, yeah, I'm so sorry. I have to go back to that because she's talking about how her husband, you know, how he had nothing when they met. And when you go back up, you got to go back up or whatever she was going. And Melissa goes, yeah, I understand.

One time Joe went into Costco and he called me and he's like, Melissa, a Costco card was expired. So we left. It's like, cheers to surviving. What is this, Schindler's List all of a sudden? Like, are we all going to have to start sobbing now? It's like, that's your story, Melissa. So we left. No free samples. Way to overcome, Melissa. All I had was dollar 50 so that way i could get the hot dog and soda combination but then we couldn't have it because the card was expired so we had to pay three dollars at the neighborhood store you know like i tell my children if at first you don't succeed leave leave just leave yeah exactly and then they wind up at a fire pit they're doing s'mores and dolores is like

they didn't have these when we were little they didn't have these at all i mean i remember because you know back when i was little oh my god boo was just a puppy and you know we were just we just eat graham crackers we had marshmallows and chocolate but we never put them all together i mean s'mores i mean what a great idea i mean if i had known this with my first marriage oh my god things would have worked out well but then with my second one my fiance oh he would never like this i'll tell you every time i tried to have carbs around him he'd be like stop eating carbs first marriage oh my god things would have worked out well but then with my second one my fiance oh he would never like this i'll tell you every time i tried to have carbs around him he'd be like stop eating carbs i said oh my god and i don't know i felt pressure oh my god maybe i might go back to the first guy and like you know now i'm doing the kitchen over i'm gonna put a lot

of marshmallows i have a whole thing for chocolate and some graham crackers too you know it's a whole new life you know but i gotta work it out that's like literally when they came out with s'mores s'mores were invented to shut up delores like here stop this giant thing in your face please oh wow this is why they started putting walls in the kitchen so we don't have to hear you while you eat your s'mores and by the way something that i that i really enjoyed was that like um melissa starts going on about like well you know you know i'm missing geo's first wrestling match it's really hard because i'm missing his first wrestling match i'm

like please like how are you talking about like oh my god how sad it was when you missed the wrestling match because i was at the boutique you're talking to theresa who was just in jail for a year like honestly just like be quiet be quiet she missed a year of her children's life like i don't think anyone cares because you missed a wrestling match because you were at a boutique honestly yeah so they all start talking about their different kids doing whatever and then jackie's goes to the bathroom and sobs and she's like my son will never play basketball or whatever so chris uh theresa comes in to be nice to her and be like, Oh, it's okay. It's not his fault.

He tries. He'll be a good son. She's like, what did she say to her? It was making me laugh so hard. She's like, he'll be normal someday. This is like, hey, he can spell words more than my sons can. Mike, you're an idiot. I mean, that's what I go and than my sons can yeah he'll keep trying teresa's so stupid okay come out now buy a book so they all have this by the way by the way i will say i did feel bad for jacqueline i feel like that was a very real

emotion but at the same time i'm also like you know you've had already actually two other children who are not autistic and they they are the things that you're you're at you're crying you're like oh there won't be a first for him a first for them like but you know what your other children have had those moments you know and like you know like you're kind of discounting all those moments with them and i get it why she's crying well you're also kind of discounting the moments that your kid does have like he he has his own moments too like every kid has a different thing my thing with jackie is that what she's going through is a very real thing obviously and it's something that i get i get why she's crying too but i'm also saying i wish she could just sort of see that she has it

already you know well but yeah it just i know a, um, where autism and it's more, it's a bigger deal in some because there are different degrees of it, obviously. Um, but I don't know anybody who acts like Jackie. Like, I don't know anybody who brings it up constantly and cries about it on camera as much as possible. And whose husband comes on and says like, I'm making this popcorn for autistic children. Like really? See that popcorn stuff doesn't bother me as much.

It really doesn't. When she came out, she's like, well, the stuff in the Blackwater really helps with autism. Like, fuck off. Like, I find her to be so offensive, Jackie. See, that doesn't bother me as much because I think if I had a kid with autism and, you know, I was trying to, like, raise money for the cause and slash also get some money to help fund this, etc. Like I would use any platform I could, too. So I don't I don't really get as mad about that. But I feel like and this may be reading in too much because, you know, we by the way, we are totally aware that we're just seeing what's on TV and we're just reacting to that.

We this is no bearing on what she's really like. But I low key get a vibe that she's kind of competitive with other people. And I think that she – Low-key vibing. So like I feel like her tears are more like I want my kid to be just like that kid and that kid doing that kid. She's I think jealous a little bit of some you know, some kids progress versus her sons. And it's like, you know, she shouldn't she shouldn't feel that way. And she should be very proud of her son.

And she shouldn't feel sad by missing out on like first this or first that because she has CJ and she even has Ashley. And honestly, I don't know why she didn't shed these tears for Ashley, because I think Nicholas has done so much more with his life already. For real. I mean, Nicholas knows how to properly work an iPad. I mean, imagine how difficult. Ashley's probably like, Nightlight, this fucking thing keeps turning on every time I pass by. Can someone turn this thing off? It's like, oh, Ashley.

But she has turned herself around. So even Ashley, I mean, good for you, Ashley. She used to be like the worst child on Bravo so you know well she still kind of is I mean one of her big things on uh when she was a kid was it wasn't that whole fight between Danielle something between her it was like Ashley and then it turned into it being Jackie because she's like don't you mess with my daughter but it was mostly Ashley starting all that shit. And then Ashley's still doing it this season.

She's like, well, if Teresa was really your friend, she would have called you to see what kind of makeup you're going to wear to the party. Because that's what real friends do. She's just using you for whatever, whatever. You know, she's the same. She's just learned to talk better as people do after high school. All I'm saying, Jacqueline, is you have a beautiful young boy. Don't cry for what he won't be able to do because he'll be able to do his own things. OK, so stop worrying about how he. OK, so anyway.

So, yeah, you mentioned there was a pajama party. There was beer pong. Teresa threw chocolate everywhere and then was on her butt. It may look like she shat everywhere. So then the next day, by the way, I'm like, where is the spa part of the um so then the next day by the way i'm like where is the spa part of the spa so the next day they all get into did you not see the gallon jugs of bloody merry mix picky bitch so then they all get into these robes the next day and they go over to like this pool in a greenhouse and it's basically like a public pool like it feels like a public

this is to me this is not a spa at all just because they're playing some enya in the background or whatever and have that like white that like really light bluish white bottom of a pool yeah it's like the poor pearl the poor pool sorry poor people with that kind of pool bottom so um i have to say by the way this is already like 30 or 40 minutes into the episode and i wrote a note that was like if this were on real hassles in new york city there already would have been about three fights two of them about the robes that they're wearing why don't you wear them hey why'd you wear the robe that's my robe i just found my robe let's face it it's my robe it's my terry cloth okay this show is really struggling and you know because they're like hey what's reno doing huh has anybody wondered that

literally anybody ever i know it was sort of yeah checking on reno and joe's like hey how you doing like so what who cares like the pasta huh what reno's like yeah pasta great great story guys thanks joe's whole thing is he's like i I'm just concerned about the safety of my family. I can take care of my family, but I'm a man. She's a woman. So I got a German Shepherd instead because women, they can't do anything. Yeah. Look, I'm going to be going to camps.

And I worry about my daughters. They don't want a dad who's in camps knocking blowjobs. I get blowjobs there, right? I get blowjobs? Do I get blowjobs? By the way, somewhere in the middle here, there was a commercial for a new movie coming out called The Disappointments Room. I was like, oh, is this about my living room? Because I'm currently massively disappointed by this episode.

The Disappointments Room? Yeah. That's the best title of a movie I've ever heard. It's a horror movie with Kate Beckinsale, Beckendale, whatever. Oh, no. How does that girl keep getting in movies? She's very talented, but she's in a lot of shitty movies she's pretty um so uh there's like so the funny thing is at the pool melissa

and dolores are just chatting about how far melissa and theresa have come and they're and melissa's like yeah you know it's like i still feel like i walk on eggshells a little bit and dolores like well you know it's not walking in eggshells you know you're just being observant of like why you know like you don't want to upset her. They're just having a conversation. And Jacqueline's like, they're talking about us. I can read lips.

I know what they're saying. I was like, oh God, you are such a petty idiot. Most insecure week on Bravo ever because it's the week after Luann was like, you can all stop talking about me now, girls. On Real Housewives of New York. And then we've got Jacqueline like,

what are you talking about? You're talking about me over there. I know you are. Jacqueline's meds, you know, that's something that people always say like, ah, they must be off their meds. Jacqueline really is just so all over the place. She's got to be on some kind of meds

that wear off midday. She is in a crazy place right now. And then afterwards, then she and Tree get massages. And Tree's like, you know, anytime I have an issue, you can always call me. That's fine. And she's like, wow, she is my friend. Wow, Lucy and Adler reunited.

So now all of a sudden they're fine. Out of nowhere. And they're eating nuts or something. And Tree's like, nuts, yum, yum. Nuts. And Tracy's like, yeah, nuts. Yum, yum. You are so ridiculous.

And then they cook dinner. They all cook a nice dinner, which looks actually really tasty. And they're talking about Tree and Jackson saying, like, yeah, we're fine now. We buried the hatchet. Like, it's fine. We talked it out. And, of course, Melissa's passive aggressive. She's like, wow. Like, I wish I'm so jealous because it took me so much longer to clear the air with Tree.

Yeah, I can kind of see why Teresa wanted to just stab Melissa, because seeing Melissa's version of being nice, she's so underhanded. Every time she turns around, it's like, oh, look at me. I'm dealing with that monster, Teresa, and actually doing a good a good job you know like getting a pat on the shoulder for it she's kind of the biggest asshole on the show but she's flying so far under the radar you can't really tell until days like this where she's just trying so hard over and over to start a fight and she can't because theresa is on her meds so she's like and then jackie i hear you talking about me i'm really sick of it they're like please jack everyone's like jacqueline shut up what are we talking about your secret popcorn recipe literally nobody is talking about you ever please be quiet

meanwhile like ciggy is now trying to explain the entire Teresa-Jacqueline disconnect. She's like, listen, Jacqueline is a deep person, okay? She's a very deep person. And Tree, she's very shallow and stupid, okay? So she doesn't understand these things. Jacqueline wants no this, this, this, and this. And she starts taking some stuff out of a jar. She's like, Jacqueline wants all this.

And Tree's like, what? And puts the stuff back in the jar. And I'm like, hey, there's more stuff for all of us in the jar okay we can all have stuff from the jar we can have salt we can have pepper we can have whatever condiment we want okay as long as we all have love for each other because we all love each other and our children and Teresa's like fuck jazz

and she just throws everything in the jar on the ground it's like oh thanks for coming by Teresa and then the whole episode ends with them doing yoga and tree being like yeah yeah then you know sometimes you queave There's queaving is that what they call it Queaving Teresa

Yeah that's what you call it it's like queaving They go what's that Shree Yeah you know like when you're having sex and like air comes in and out of there And you get air in there And Suki goes So it's a fart out of your vagina, is what she's saying. Okay. Alright,

Teresa. But you know what? You know what? I love that queef because I love everything that comes out of my vagina, including Sophie and my son, whatever his name is. Joshua? I don't know. If I could hug my vagina, I'd hug it. Super positive, Siggy.

Back when I was poor, I took my queef and my children, and we all lived in a townhouse with my parents, okay? My vagina grew up in a cellar. There you go. Is my vagina always on the phone? No. No, we fixed it. This is how my vagina drives. I'm going to teach my vagina to drive.

It's like the next Housewives storyline with her vagina. I love that, Siggy. Love her. I love Dolores, too. She cracks. Dolores cracks me up. And that brings us to another end of another week of Jersey. The ratings for New Jersey Are apparently in the trash

This season Apparently New York We talked about this last week I think that New York's ratings Are the highest since like 2011 New Jersey is down But hopefully You know it takes a while

If you have a bad cast A bad season It takes a little while For it to come back So hopefully Well this many new people It's going to take a while Because Jacqueline and Teresa aren't new but and Melissa's not new but you know this Teresa and Melissa talking is new and Teresa trying to pretend she's a good person

is new so there's a lot of new cast things that have to happen yeah because last season was really so bad and like when you have a new cast it takes like a few seasons for the audience like if you're not like tolerant the way we are it takes some seasons for the audience to get into them and to embrace them and since we're basically pushing the reset button a second time that's really hard for an audience however uh the twins are making a return next week on this show so we can all look forward to that and oddly enough when i saw them in the preview i was like oh yay because i realized that while i really disliked them on the show as characters i always really enjoy when shows reference the past so even if they were only on for one season i'm i'm always tickled when there's a like a cameo to show the past. They're not forgotten.

Yeah, I agree. And as far as I remember, of course, my memory is very selective, as you guys know. But from what I remember, we actually liked them. It was just... Yeah, it was Amber.

It was Amber, but it was also that they were all trying so hard. It was like one long audition season and they were all so desperate and sad. But they were actually pretty funny. Yeah, they were amusing. That chick married a Reno, and then we found out he possibly fucked the mom. I mean, that's some real shit.

And she did not seem to know. She was like, what? Yeah, the other one had Bobby, who locked himself in the bathroom. Yeah, Bobby the gay firefighter. Who was just coming on to flirt with Joe. Wasn't he coming on to flirt with joe who was it oh that was i don't know what it was all i know is they met they met in dunkin donuts while she was drinking a colada all right well we'll deal with that next time

so next time we're gonna have real housewives of melbourne and we're also gonna have the real housewives of new york city part one finale reunion. Where somebody tells Bethany she's a horrible person. And her name is Luann. It's like, well, you're a horrible person. Can't wait. We'll see you guys then. Thanks for everything. Talk later.

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