Watch What Crappens - #325: Slow Your Roll, Tamra

Episode Date: September 6, 2016

Strap your helmet on tight because we're going dune buggying with "Real Housewives of Orange County." Relive the scary tumble and then some as we recap RHOC. Then it's off to New Jersey where some dude is yelling in the streets about the mob and the government -- and it's not Juicy Joe! Time codes below: 00:00:00 - Intro 00:03:29 - Crappens Mailbag! 00:19:26 - Real Housewives of Orange County 01:10:29 - Real Housewives of New Jersey Subscribe at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Support us at https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at https://facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at https://watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Hey everybody, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the banter blender podcast and joining me as always is the hilarious and musical and harmonious ronnie karen from trash talk tv.com and the rose pricks podcast and big brother smother podcast hey ronnie what's up hi man how are you today so god bad so good i'm so glad that you're so good. And I'm hoping that all our listeners are so good. Also come to watch your crap and dot com and you can find links to things like our Instagram feeds, our Snapchat, our Twitter, all that fun stuff. You can go to Facebook dot com forward slash watch forIns. And you can join in on the conversation.

We're closing in on 8,000 fans, which is super cool. And all sorts of gossip and fun and joking and cool stuff gets posted there. It's a way to extend the Crap-Ins experience beyond the podcast. Like maybe sometimes we'll do some Facebook Live stuff on there. It's cool stuff. And then if you want to support the podcast, you can go to patreon.com forward slash watch for crappins. And if you support us there, you get access to things like bonus episodes. We did this week's episode right before this, and we talked about Patti LuPone and Ellen Green and Lena Dunham and Odell Beckham Jr. and other fun things.

So go check that out. You get access to all sorts of other cool perks. It's all detailed there. Very simple and straightforward. And if you want to hear some Big Brother gossip, we do a Big Brother gossip show on TuneIn Premium, which is really exciting. So if you're a TuneIn subscriber

or if you want to become one, we're there. And we talked about the Bethany scandal. Our new episode is going to be coming up tomorrow on Wednesday. And we talked about the Bethany scandal with the texting in Luanne's photo. Kim Zolciak, Beverly Hills stuff. That was a really fun episode. And last but not least, in case you didn't hear, we're going to be doing a live show at the LA PodFest at the end of this month, September 25th. Come see us there

here in Los Angeles. Go to lapodfest.com to get all the details. If you can't be there, you can sign up for the feed and watch not just us, but everything the whole weekend. A lot of major, major podcasts. We're like, what are we doing here? And if you use the promo code CRAPPINS, you get some dollars off of that podcast feed or live feed. I think that's it. Is that it, Ronnie? That's it, Ben. Wow.

We really did it. Well, Ronnie, should we get on with it? Let's do it, Ben! Why don't we open up our old favorite Krappen's mailbag? What's in that old mailbag, Ben? Well, I'll tell you what's in it in a moment But I just want to pause for a second to mention That we have to give some love

To our super premium sponsor Madonna Hines Miss Magi Hines Miss Magi Hines has been listening to us for a long time And she has decided to support us at the highest tier available on Patreon. And we appreciate that. And so everyone give big hugs and kisses to Madge with a sexy J.

Madonna Hines. And of course, we could not ignore our premium sponsor, Christy Darity, who has been premium sponsoring us for a long time now, and she is also our sugar mama. So, Christy, Madonna, thank you. We love you. Yeah, thank you, guys. You're the best. I love you. I love yours.

We love you. Okay, Michael Horn. He says, Before the trailers for Vanderpump Rules and Beverly hills come out what are your predictions for the new seasons who's not gonna be owning it baby how many prime cocktails will she no order how many fucks will erica give is everyone going to be nice to lala even though she's gone but this is still important and most importantly what will hanky's new storyline be oh Oh, gosh.

Well, let's start with Hanky, the most important cast member mentioned above. I believe that the Vanderpump Tods will buy Hanky, like, seven more swans that will still hate him. And that he'll be an outcast because he just can't get along with other birds. And that's it. That's it for Hanky. I think that Hanky's going to get boring this season, you know, because Hanky was like, oh, Hanky's now had a full year to see himself on TV.

And he's like, oh, I got to change the way I act. So he's going to be like less of the Hanky that we'd like and love. And he's going to be very self-editing. So the producers are going to have to bring on a duck because they need to make it exciting. Instead of like a duck who wears big hoop earrings and too

much makeup and just has sex with all the other birds and it's just like i don't you know like that's fine like that and hanky will hate the duck for no reason no reason the duck out of jealousy because the duck is younger and hotter and has naturally bigger lips and then the duck is gonna tell lisa like listen um quack quack uh i have to go to another pond for the weekend because I got a gig at that duck pond. But I promise I'll be back. Duck, duck, quack quack. I've got to go to a duck pond in Europe. So I'll be back.

But right now, like, I can't I just can't be at this pond this weekend. Quack quack but then it'll turn out that um it's just um hank the duck is just like a whore duck and some some rich older like giraffe or something paid for the ducks because it has like a duck fetish and yes it's like some old italian dude yeah it turns out the duck just went across the street to the burned down maloof house and was like at that pond all the time whoring it up with other ducks i made out with paul and then like when hanky tells lisa the duck is gonna be like i need my mama i just need my mama everybody's being mean to me because i ate another duck's butt out and then the the famous duck is

gonna be donald and then donald is gonna break up with her because he didn't want his butt eating to be talked about on tv yeah and lala duck is gonna was like really excited because she thought she was gonna get to be a duck at like a disneyland pond and she lost her entire opportunity because hanky and the other swans out at her duck eating ass. Oh, Vanderpump Drools. That show is just so beautiful. I can't wait for it to come back. And I love that it is shown on every smart TV show

to illustrate how stupid somebody is. Yes. Because the dumb person will always be watching Vanderpump Drools. They had that on Mr. Robot this week. Really? Yeah. One of the brilliant but evil people is dating this young idiot,

but he's hot and he strangles her in bed and stuff. And so he's, to illustrate how stupid he is, as if we couldn't already tell, he's like this young, hot, dumb guy that he's watching Vanderpump Rules. He's like,

Vanderpump Rules is on. You want to watch, babe? Well, I mean, Vanderpump Rules. He's like, Vanderpump Rules is on. You want to watch, babe? Well, I mean, Vanderpump Rules got a full write-up on the New York Times and the New Yorker. So, I mean, it is the dumb show of, you know, of the ivory towers,

the elitist media. I think Erica is going to give, she will continue to say she gives a zero fox. I think Erika is going to give she will continue to say she gives zero fucks. I don't give a fuck. But she's going to give all the fucks because that's what she does. I think Erika this season is going to prove to be an obnoxious little biatch.

And nobody has seen it coming. Everybody loves her so much. But I bet she proves to be an a-hole because she's a humorless a-hole and i hope that she i just hope that that flower blooms this year i think we already know actually just from people telling us that the season's basically going to center around dorit being horrible and lisa vanderpump is not really shooting that much um i think that she would quit if she didn't need it to advertise

all of her businesses right but she's apparently showing up a very minimal amount this season she's only coming to group events and stuff wow i did not know that yeah so that's the rumor so i can't really even guess and i think lisa renna is going to be very nice this season i think she's just going to be quiet and stay out of it yeah and eileen will try and be an asshole but i think that everybody's ignoring eileen now because they know that she's not popular with the audience so no one's going to fall for her crap this year she came off like a you know she she she came off as a real meddler last season and her stock definitely plummeted and uh she probably is aware of that but i think that like everyone also is aware that erica jane is like a huge hit with the audience with the fans like we're the outliers

i think everyone really loves her and we're more lukewarm because i've noticed it seems like every cast member is clamoring to take photos with her and put it on to instagram so some interesting stuff i think happening at least from what I can glean from social media. But I don't know. I think Erika's bitch flower is going to bloom, like you said, and it's going to be good. And I think it's going to make me like her. I feel like it's going to make me embrace her finally. Yeah.

I just look. I don't need her to do anything specific. I just need her to do something. Yeah. Just anything at this point. Yeah. I mean, she's a flatliner. Just have her do something.

Although I was in a bar this last weekend and they played how many fucks do i give i think 10 times and i was like really gays come on how many fucks like it well her her gay mikey was probably there like djing no the guys were walking around singing it they were like how many fucks do i get you know how guys like yeah they'll mouth the words like to every Britney song. It's like, oh, good. I mean, not that Britney is like a tower of talent either. The people, you know, well, it's not like we've always been so picky. Yeah.

Well, Erica better enjoy this moment that she has, because if anyone knows how to turn on on their favorites, it's the gays. I mean, like Britney, gaga madonna like the moment that erica messes up they're like she's so thirsty yeah she's trying so hard it's like give it up already erica jane we already beat them to the beat them to the punch yeah exactly you guys we're like nouveau gays we're on the forefront of every trend and we already hit erica jane so we're gonna we're gonna like and we already hit her we're gonna like her when everyone hits her we're gonna hit her when everyone likes her because we're like exactly yeah that's how we do

that's how we do okay um there's only one one question left here in the mail big then we'll have to refill it um Teresa Marovitch says Ben your impression of Bethany is so good it gives me anxiety well thank you that made me feel good And if you hear the bonus episode,

you'll know I need a little bit of reassurances that I'm funny and pleasant. What are some good comeback lines for when Petta Fleur starts her Debbie Downer, soon to be Dubai Downer, of, that's okay, I am used to it, when she feels snubbed

but is merely not on anyone's radar. This is a tough one. Socially as it's negative pity attention getting. So what are comeback lines for when Petit Fleur says... So instead of like, that's okay, I'm used to it. Is it a comeback line or how do you respond to when she says that? I don't know.

I don't know if I totally understand the question, to be honest. That's okay. Maybe it's like what's a situation where she would say. I'm used to being the piano that nobody plays. Yeah. Fine. You can just not finger me all you want to, okay? You know, they shouldn't call it a Stein way.

They should just call it a Stein go away. Because that's what they want from me. Go away. That's okay. I'm used to it. It is okay. You can make fun of me. I will leave my arms up here ready to hug you just like Jesus on the cross.

You know, when they say go tickle the ivories, it means a lot to me because ivory is making animals endangered. And that's how I feel. Like I'm an endangered mother who is going to be gone someday and then no one will care. Just poach me. She'll, instead of calling her son, she'll start hiring sky riders and be like you don't call me anymore that's okay i'm used to it you know i remember when we danced on the moon together but you know it makes sense because once a month the moon just disappears like me because who cares about me i'm like the dark side of the moon we know from history it peaks at the moon. What did Lance Armstrong ever...

Lance Armstrong. What's his name who went to the moon? Lance Armstrong to slide about drugs or something. Neil Armstrong. Neil Armstrong. Anybody ever heard from him again? No, they didn't. One small step for man, one huge leap for mankind.

But what about Petty Fleur? What about my steps? That's okay. I'm used to it, Neil Armstrong. One small step for mankind, one huge leap for disrespecting your sad mother, who has nobody.

Did anyone ask me if I wanted to go to the moon? No, but that's okay. I'm used to it. You know, if I were on the Apollo 13, you know, nothing would have gotten broken. But that's okay. They didn't need to have me on there.

They did fine. No one needs me. You're so pathetic. She would be in a 7-Eleven in the candy aisle and hear ding, ding. Be like, oh, great. You're welcome, damn. I've been here at the candy aisle. Nobody said welcome to me. It says king size.

King size Snickers. But what about Petiflur size? That's okay. I'm used to it. Oh, Snickers. But what about petaflur size? That's okay. I'm used to it. Oh, Snickers, two bars. There could be three bars. I would still be alone in them. M&M's?

Okay, but what about an M&M and P? Like no petaflur in there? Okay, that's okay. I'm used to it. Oh, so M&M is not going to invite P to lunch? Oh, I'm used to it. You know, you want me to break off a piece of that Kit Kat bar, but, you know, fine. But what about me?

What if I want Kit Kat bar too? That's okay. I'm used to it. No one's going to give me a break. Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar and don't share with your mother, who is probably starving to death for all you know. You know, a snicker satisfies, but what about me? I need to satisfy too. That's okay. Nobody satisfies

me. Not even Snickers. Three musketeer, but what about the fourth petaflur? I'm the only person who bought a Snickers bar and it doesn't say Snickers satisfies you. Like even Snickers won't promise. Like the only blank Snickers bar in the world why is every snickers bar i pull up called bitch the only bitch so i was at 7-eleven and i picked up a snickers bar bitch and i said you do not satisfy

you do not satisfy like my son but you do not satisfy You do not satisfy bitch. Bitch you do not satisfy. You know I took a bite out of a York peppermint patty and I hopped onto a coffee table and I still did not feel like I was skiing but that's okay I'm used to it. Lydia would be like I've been to New York 30 more times than you have. Talking about New York Lydia.

You know what I always say sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Almond Joy has nuts, Mars don't. Isn't that crazy? Close up that damn mailbag. I know. Close it. Clear the mailbag, Ben. Clear the mailbag. meh meh

clear the mailbag clear the mailbag you know what Ronnie before we go any further on this podcast I think that we should talk about something very important

what mattresses mattresses I love to sleep I love to sleep too and you know me I have a beautiful Casper mattress

which was great because um uh i got it online and it was cheaper than all the rest and better than all the rest and they delivered delivered it to my my apartment like all rolled up in a box and you open up the box and you cut the thing and it springs out it's amazing yeah kind of like needs its time to open up and become the beautiful mattress that it is because it's springy latex and it's supportive memory foam. And it provides a sleep surface. It's got just the right sink and just the right bounce. I can actually attest to that because guess what? I slept on my Casper mattress last night as I do almost every night.

casper mattress last night as i do almost every night and you know ben loves a bargain because most mattresses are over 1500 bucks but mattresses from casper cost 500 for twin size 600 for a twin xl 750 for a full and 850 for a queen and then just 950 for a king size mattress which is it really that actually really is an amazing deal for mattresses if you go mattress shopping you will see that that's actually a steal um but but honestly it is like totally um risk-free because when you get it you get like a hundred night um uh like trial period although for me i was like okay let me do this trial period and at the end of like a month i'll decide i was like no after like a week i didn't not even a week like two nights i was like okay i'm keeping this thing um cowspur is an obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price.

It combines springy latex and supportive memory foam to create an award-winning sleep surface with just the right sink and just the right bounce. Time magazine named it one of the best inventions of 2015. An award-winning mattress that won't disappoint. It's free shipping and returns to US and Canada. You guys can try Casper for 100 nights risk-free in your own home. And if you don't love it, they will pick it up and refund you everything. Made in America. The important thing is that if you want to get a Casper mattress,

and by the way, I'm coming up on the one-year anniversary of having a Casper mattress in my home. If you want to get $50 off of any mattress purchase, just visit casper.com slash crappins and use the code crappins. And by the way, as usual, terms and conditions apply. I love it. I really do. Anyway. We love our Casper.

Go over to casper.com slash crappins and use your code crappins for $50 today towards any mattress purchase. Yeah. All right, everyone. Let's move on. So let me tell you something, Ronnie. I think it's time for you to put on a helmet and strap yourself in to this dune buggy of an episode. Am I right?

Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. Spoiler alert. We don't know who dies. Spoiler alert. You might get caught in a white trash activity. What a horrible way to die, but also how fitting for Tamara and Vicky to die in a dune buggy. My god.

The only thing more fitting would be if they had a recreation of the Titanic on Lake Havasu. Or just got rained on by bowling balls how many white trash deaths i hope they go through a new white trash death every season yeah it's like a monster truck fell on them that's what the only thing was like oh yeah well you know we went to see truckosaurus and next thing we knew we were pinned underneath it what a way to go. A NASCAR crashed into the wall that they're sitting behind. Just killed it. But, you know, the sad thing is that the dune buggy, that looked actually kind of fun, and I'm not into that shit.

I'm not into, like, quads or three-wheelers or anything like that. That looks scary. Like, any time I've heard of anyone going onto a quad, it's like, and then they broke their neck. So I'm like, you know. Yes, where I come from, you hear of've heard of anyone going onto a quad, it's like, and then they broke their neck. So, I'm like, you know. Yeah, that's where I come from. You hear of a lot of quad deaths. People are like, well, they were just on the three-wheeler having fun.

Next thing you know, they're dead. It happens a lot. Okay, Leanne, quiet down now. I was in the car. The only way I got out of the car was hopping on a quad and getting out of there. But then I crashed. Wound up in Dallas. Oh, God. So sad. on a quad and getting out of there but then i crashed wound up in dallas oh god so sad but anybody who's listening to this who's suffered a quad death we don't mean you sorry well what's

his face from dave matthews band died from a quad accident complications from so there yeah dangerous when heather's kid got on there i was like oh my god i was shocked crazy i was shocked that she let him on um especially because that i just i was shocked crazy i was shocked that she let him on um especially because that i just i was shocked i mean i know you're worried about him hearing the c word but you'll let him on that thing are you not well you know dr and mrs guinea pig we're mothers too um we've steamed our anal glands we've also let our son you know hang off the side of an airplane as it flew to par. But don't curse in front of him. Good God, Heather.

Anyway, we're getting ourselves way ahead of ourselves. Always. I guess everyone didn't know, we're talking about Real Houses of Orange County, which was really fun for me because as I mentioned on the bonus episode, my TV last night went out of whack so the colors are distorted and nothing is scarier than seeing these bitches in high contrast puke green and pink

okay it was like ah my eyes my eyes it was like oh go ahead it was like horrific andy warhol happening on my tv oh god did the 15 minutes that will never end he would be horrified that that was all proved wrong oh he would love it he'd be watching vanderpump rules yeah and writing essays about it in like nylon magazine he'd be one of lisa vanderpump's old gays that you see in the background holding a tiny dog like one of her millions of tiny dogs that she has absolutely absolutely um so real housewives of orange county i cannot get over shannon's opening dress i can't do it it's like a little girl going to church synagogue christmas yeah it's like a uh yeah synagogue is shannon jewish i thought you said he. Did I? I probably did.

I'm really dumb. Maybe I heard it wrong. Maybe I was just thinking about Heather. Okay, and you're right. Shannon is Christian. Heather is Jewish. Yeah, it looks like one of those Christmas dresses that kids are forced to wear. They're all itchy on the inside.

It's like cut badly. I don't know what she's doing. I don't know why I can't get over it. But then I think of Christmas dress, and then you see Tamara her satanized because her eyes are like red in the opening so let's just get past the opening that's what i have to say so it opens up basically after this dress fiasco which has been obviously bothering you for many weeks now um it opens with tamra um that sort of like i think she was shopping for some dune buggy stuff, like helmets and stuff, and she's talking about how she grew up driving motorcycles

and dune buggies, which made me LOL. Just because it's like, in case you didn't know how trashy Tamara was. Yeah, I grew up opening soda cans with my teeth. Like, we know. You don't have to tell us. Oh my god. Quads and have to tell us. Oh, my God.

Quads and BB guns. Yeah, we know. Batch. Batch. So there's something weird going on with Tamara and Eddie. Tamara has camel toe in jeans. Okay? Jeans.

That cannot be comfortable. Denim rubbing up against your labia, whatever. Whatever the parts are called down there. That can't be comfortable. They were eating. And then Eddie's jeans were up his butt crack. What the hell, you two? Is there not a JCPenney that understands a cut?

They basically are two people who are not in their time zone. When I say time zone, I mean they're living in 2016 when they want to be back in 1989 like they need some acid wash jeans they need some sort of teal windbreakers like that's what they need right now and it would be so perfect and tamra could have her hair teased out yeah so this is this is like their little way of referencing that time super tight ass jeans going up every single crack uh she's doing this trip to glamour which is so funny because glamorous is like glamorous it's like how tamra would say glamorous glamorous we're going to glamorous batch we're going to glamorous

okay so funny it's like tamra's accent so everyone's all excited but they're really going to the white trashiest place ever. It's like that 40 song. G-L-A-M-S. Glamas! So she is calling people because everybody's trying to bail at the last second. Like, the people who know what it is are like, no. She calls Megan. And Megan's excuse, my doctors andmy don't want me to get in

a dune buggy because you know like i had a baby from a trash can from the 70s inserted into me and i don't know if it's live or whatever yeah turned out to be an excellent decision on her part actually no kidding i just i believe the doctors but i don't believe that jimmy said don't get in a dune buggy because you know jimmy like, yes, get in a dune buggy and carry this lighter fluid with you. Yeah, and don't wear a helmet. I'm sure the doctor actually was not saying that you can't go in a dune buggy. He was like, you can't go in a dune buggy that Tamara Judge is going to be driving. So, trip's over.

Oh, so Tamara's mad so now she calls Shannon she's like who's this she's acting like she hasn't even been invited like I haven't even heard from that batch batch yeah so she calls she calls Shannon and she's like oh Glamis and she's like yeah so

batch like everyone's going and like Vicky and Kelly are going and then there's like a pause and Shannon's like, um, David? David, I can't go to Glamis because of my lung issues, and I asked my pulmonary doctor, and he says it's not a good idea for me because I'll be around all that sand, you know? And you know, sand is like negative thoughts. They just get

in there. They don't come out. So, you know, David? David, I can't go. Her lung issues. Uh, after he told me about the lung issues, he said, Shannon, I don't want you to get on a dune pucky because you're just too happy! Ha! Ha!

David! Ha! Ha! David. David and Jim are just like, please go. Please go on this trip. Please! So, RV road trip, it's going to oh well i was wondering where this was going to lead because shannon told tamra well someone told me heather wasn't even going on this trip i don't remember

who but somebody said she wasn't going yeah it's weird it sounded like housewives shit starting but nothing came well you notice very quietly over the past episodes i've started to notice it with tamra's interview she's been a little prickly about Shannon and about Megan. And I think we're starting to see Megan and Shannon becoming the outcast. I think that's what's getting set up here. But either way, we then go and we see Kelly. She's now shopping for camping gear with her dumb husband. And it was like a classic Kelly.

She tripped on a clothes rack. She's like, have a nice trip. See you next fall. Perfect Kelly joke. Yeah. Classic Kelly. She like tripped on a clothes rack. She's like, have a nice trip. See you next fall. Now, yeah. Perfect Kelly joke. Yeah. Classic Kelly. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.

Okay. I have to make an announcement. Yes. There is a service person on the Real Housewives Orange County that I left. Because normally I'm like, waiters. I hate that salesperson. I love the salesperson in the camping shop. He goes, so what can I help you guys with

She's like I guess we need like windbreak I mean I don't know things for camping And he goes do you have windbreakers She goes no And he's like okay I'll get some of the back And he looks at them like you pieces of shit You don't even know what a windbreaker is

And I love that She's educated okay She's educated, okay? She's educated. How dare you? Go fuck yourself, windbreaker man. I had to watch this live. And I was watching the episode before, a little bit before this one came on. It's like, Kelly, you were just crying, begging for forgiveness last week to Heather.

And, like, five minutes later, she's like, well, I don't want Principal Dubrow wagging her finger at me. You know, it's not up to her to judge me. That's Jesus's job. It's like you are like literally the worst Christian ever. Jesus doesn't judge people. That's his whole point, you idiot. But have fun not ever going to church ever. Yeah.

And by the way, is anything more judgy than calling Heather Principal Dubrow? The only reason why Kelly hates Heather is because by calling her Principal Dubrow, it reminds her of actually being around textbooks. She's like, ew, learning. She's like, whatever, library. I guess I'll shh. Okay. Who the fuck is Dewey Decimal in the first place?

God. Dewey's like the middle brother of a bunch of ducks okay why doesn't duck know about decimals jesus also wait isn't dewey the oldest brother why are these ducks coming up so much in this podcast also because we're talking about kelly and her duck face i thought they were triplets because i don't think it was it ever established which one was the eldest well huey Huey, Louie, Dewey. I thought Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Wait, would that make Huey, Dewey, and Louie?

Huey, Louie, and Dewey, or Huey, Dewey, and Louie? I always called them Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Okay, so he is the middle then. Well, unless I'm wrong, in which case it's Huey, Louie, and Dewey. Oh my god, you guys. All I know is that it's the guy from the FX show, it's the guy from the library, that it's the guy from the FX show. It's the guy from the library.

And it's the guy from Huey Lewis in the news. Okay? Let's get Bethany to investigate this. Literally, I can't. Do you understand right now that I don't want to be showing you this picture of these ducks? Do you understand this? Can I? Do you agree?

Okay. Huey Lewis blowing a horse in the middle of a Marriott. There. I have a picture. Okay? I have a picture of Webby with Magicka the middle of a Marriott. There. I have a picture. Okay. I have a picture of Webby with Magicka Dispel. Okay. I didn't want to show you this, but I have to.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I don't want to be doing this to you. Okay. We're already screwed for this episode. We're screwed. This is our second Duck Run. And there'll probably be like 20 more since we're talking about the most white trash things i mean obviously duck dynasty is

gonna have to come into the fold at some point so kelly is speaking of dynasties kelly's talking about her relationship and she's like well but she's like can you believe that shannon had a vow renewal and her husband is saying well that's nice you can you believe that Shannon had a vow renewal? And her husband is saying, well, that's nice. You know, I mean, that's good that they could go through problems and come through the other side and then renew their vows. She goes, yeah, well, I'm not going to hold my breath for that one with us. If it's not going to happen after two years, it's over. Maybe because you're so mean to him. My God.

He's also a puss. Yeah, but we haven't seen him being mean. We only see her being mean constantly. Maybe he's just a putz yeah but we haven't seen him being mean we only see her being mean constantly maybe he's just protecting himself like it's not mean to wear a bulletproof vest you know yeah and you know that's not nice of you to drag him to go windbreaker shopping that's just not nice

yeah and she's like well if you did one nice thing for me I mean jeez romance would be great maybe flowers maybe a thank you maybe a hello in the morning I was like he's buying you thousands of dollars of camping gear that you don't have to have a job to buy. So how about that for being romantic? Yeah, that's romance. How about that?

Yeah. So speaking of romance, we then go to the house that's filled with the most romance in all of Orange County, the Bedora household. David, David, David, David, David, David, David. Happy, happy, happy, happy. Also, Kelly made a joke, a 90s joke. I just have to point it out because she's like, what did windbreakers do? Break wind. I know.

I was actually, I was like, I'm like, I almost don't even want to mention that joke because it was such an obvious joke. But then I'm the king of obvious jokes, too. So I may disrespect Kelly, but I do not disrespect the 90s okay i revere the 90s so there there's your nod 90s yeah listen betch just go get a cb jacket and be done with it um so now we go to shannon and david david our house sold for nine million dollars did they say how much it sold for yeah Yeah, it said it sold for $9 million and change. Wow. Heather sold for, I think, like twice that.

Sorry. Oh, I forgot to mention, by the way, that the old gay that I mentioned in the bonus episode, he was like the designer of Heather Dubrow's household. Why did I not mention that part? The new one? No, the previous house. He's like, I did all the interiors. All the interiors.

He's very proud. I was like, well, don't listen to our podcast. So he's got a Vegas fetish, basically. Yeah. Oh, he was great, though. He was really lovely. He showed us a picture of Nate Berkus when he was 17. Oh, my goodness.

Did he have sex with him? I think that was the... Well, I think the implication was that when Nate Berkus was of age, that they may have had relations. He didn't actually explicitly say, but I guess they were friends back then, like 1989. To have a picture of Nate Berkus from that time,

that was before cell phone cameras and stuff, which means that this fool took an actual Polaroid or something of Nate Berkus when he was boning him back when he was 17 and then scanned it into his phone. I mean, if that doesn't say butt sex to get ahead, I don't know what does.

Either way, that Nate Berkus, you know, he's a charmed man. So anyway, so Shannon's house sold for $9 million and now Shannon is freaking out because we've been in and out of escrow on this house so many times I can't even count.

30 to 40 escrow moments. We've had 30 to 40 negative escrow moments a week with this house. 30 to 40 escrow. David, David, are we in escrow again? David, David. We've only got 13 weeks to pack, David. 13 days. Oh, 13 days.

So she's all upset that she only has 13 days. And I really love this real estate guy because he's such a warning sign to men about facial surgery. Yes. Unless you're a poker player and don't want anyone to ever know what you're thinking ever. Because he is such a blank slate. Like, I have no idea what he's thinking, what he's feeling, if he's alive, if he's a human. I don't know. He just nods and says things in a semi-kind way.

You should have seen him with my distorted TV. I mean, he was just like, his face was basically like beige and then with like a circle of green, of like puke green and then a circle of pink. So he was basically like Beelzebub. He's like post-surgery. I was like, I don't know what this is. Is this a character from Super Mario Bros. 2? Oh, that guy is just like a blank slate you can throw your emotions onto. I love it.

I love it. So Shannon's freaking out because they have 13. Escrow is closing in 13 days. And she's like, 13 days? 13 days? How can I pack in 13 days? David, that's one third of the negative thoughts I have right now. 13. Okay. 13 days? 13 days? How can I pack in 13 days? David? David, that's one third of the negative thoughts I have right now.

13. Okay, then we find out that she is not having to get rid of any of her furniture because it was bought with the house. What do you even have to pack? Your clothes? What are you complaining about? Am I happy about it? No. No.

No. But then she's like, well, now we have to go to a rental. And, you know, a rental won't have hospital grade air or a water filtration system or crystals buried in the basement and the walls. David? David? At first, that sounds like a waste of money until you realize that she's probably talking about actual girls named Crystal that she's had buried under there. So David can't fuck them anymore. David, I put another mistress in the wall panel. She used to be on wings I call them crystals

The first woman that David ever cheated on me with Was Crystal Terry I mean Crystal Bernard Crystal Terry went to my high school by the way Sorry Crystal She never allows wings to play By the way my friend Nicole who listens to this podcast Is chuckling so loudly right now

because we went to high school together and she's gonna be laughing at the Crystal Terry cameo appearance oh Shannon so this goes to prove my long term theory now that Nancy Reagan was faking her death because who else

would want to keep that furniture who else would walk into that house and be like, Whoa, so it looks like a first lady's room from the early 80s. I want to buy this off. Nancy Reagan was faking it, y'all. Can we convert this basketball court into a hangar for Air Force One replicas? Okay, great, thanks. A little Reagan Library comedy for you there.

How does Shannon have an air... hotel-grade air in her house? No, I thought it was hospital-grade air. Oh, hospital-grade. Well, that would make more sense. Because some con artist... Smells like old smoke in here. Some con artist found an old engine from a junkyard,

painted it white, and was like, well, you can install this in your boiler room and your air will be filtered. Oh, David, David, we need that. Otherwise, the Dr. Moon animal won't work properly. So we need to have filtered air and filtered water. David, David, my lungs. It'll be interesting to see if all of her diseases go crazy in her rental house. They will.

If you ever see that movie Safe with Julianne Moore? Yes. It's basically the Shannon biopic. Except that girl actually suffered from things. Shannon doesn't really seem to suffer. She just gets treatments for a lot of things. What does she actually suffer from? Nothing ever.

The only time we've ever really even seen her sick was when she didn't want to go swimming in Bora Bora, right? Well, excuse me, but I have black lung. I might as well have the bubonic plate for all my lungs now. I've been digging through so many of David's emails, I've gotten black lung. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala

Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at the list on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of

life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History for Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about,

especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August, 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th

or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Hole in her throat.

That girl is going to end up with a hole in her throat one day and it'll be self-inflicted like Yolanda. Like, put a pipe in my neck. Oh, Jesus. So anyway, then Heather Dubrow has like a little segment where she gets to show off how ridiculously

fancy she is because she's going to go get herself a fancy pants RV. You know, Tamara set up a bunch of RVs for everyone, but you know, she needs it done special so heather goes looks at a really swanky rv for this glamorous trip um her personal chef comes in and drops off leftovers and um you know she can't even cook she's like and then i'm gonna have a personal chef make our meals and then for someone who brags about what a good mother they are you don't know

how to do fucking anything did she even have those babies herself because i have a feeling they were implanted into an illegal and just like taken out with tongs when they were ready no what do you think um i think tell me the truth i will say this i think she had the babies but i do have a hard time imagining her pregnant. Like that was a, she has a lot of kids. We keep meeting new kids. A lot of babies. Yeah.

I don't know that she had all those babies. Well, um, either way, she's like fancy pants. Okay, Nikki, we're going on this trip together.

I did actually find it to be very endearing that she, that she and Nikki went on the trip to get like that. She brought her son. I don't know why. I just thought it was really cute. Um, it's like having your own restaurant. Do you remember when Heather wanted to have her own restaurant? And then she's like, God, everything in OC is a chain.

We need a new restaurant. And then people went on the OC zone or the OC register or whatever. And they're like, F you, C word. How dare you make fun of our Applebee's? Like, you're so fancy. So I just read. It's like having your so fancy i'm so i just read it's like having your own restaurant but people don't call you the c-word online we are so lucky to have alfredo make us dinner and drive us out to glamis i wish it was alfredo i can't believe she hired

just an old white guy how did they find that guy he openly hated those people yeah rv driver he probably was his rv he was probably like air rvnv so like he got to like he got to like he's like well it's my rv i get to drive him airbnb so so then um we then go to the most boring couple on bravo these days potentially um and that is jimmy and megan they go to the fertility doctor where jimmy is like looking for a noose anywhere he can find one and they're like they're like waiting to see if they're pregnant and then he's like i'm jimmy i'm scared i'm scared he's like i'm bored yeah he's like i'm bored with you being scared seriously oh i wish we got our laundry back so i could have worn my i'm with stupid shirt for this scene oh and then she's like i just i just want to know that all

these stupid needles are like it's they weren't for nothing and then it's like oh flashback to five times when she got needles stuck in her great i'm so glad we could really really relive those moments from last week thanks bra, Bravo. It was really great. When she's alone with him in the room waiting for the doctor and she's trying to cry, she's like, I'm scared. He's like, ugh. And she says, he's so caught up in his own hectic schedule that he has no idea what's going on with me. Yes, he does. You face him five times a day. He's already seen this office 20 times.

He's seen the guy put you know some random nanny egg with sperm into it god knows who's sperm into you with tweezers he's seen every part of this leave the man alone for christ's sake yeah the reason why he's so obsessed and involved in his schedule is because he cannot deal with another moment of this bullshit like and we know we get it because we're having to put get put through it also and sure enough the doctor comes in they're like okay we need to do some tests so we're gonna put another needle in you it's like oh my god here she's in now she's crying again oh my journey i'm crying needles i'm getting better at them uh journey and then jimmy's just like they need lamans for blood giving god that was so good, ugh. She just gives him that look. Ugh.

She is just writing herself off the show, by the way. Just walking right off the show. Yeah, she's done soon. She kept saying such red flag type-y things like, I just don't want to be in this. I don't want to be raising this kid alone. You will be. Who do you think you married? I need him to be invested in

this emotionally as well as physically and spiritually monetarily no well you better hope he had two other wives i'm his third wife and he's got like four kids from the other wives so oh my god you better hope you give birth to a baseball because that's the only way that jimmy's gonna want to put his hands on that thing not that thing i'm sorry that was insensitive he won't even be interested enough to hit it if it's not a baseball okay oh my god so anyway while megan is going through the most boring arc of oc history um now it's time for to head out to glamorous and so kelly meets up with tamra and kelly looks like she's headed to a Poison, White Lions, Skid Row nostalgia tour.

She's got like the bandana. I mean, she's like, OK, Dune Baying, I'm going to put on my trashiest outfit. And she did it perfectly. She looked just she'd fit right in. Yeah, she looked great. Heather pulled up in her trailer. She's like, oh, this is just like a fabulous trailer I had once for an independent low rent movie I did once.

I don't know if she was trying to be like making a joke at herself or not but i was rolling my eyes no matter what you can't be fancy and a terrible low-rent actress at one time it just doesn't work it didn't work for angeline it ain't gonna work for you give it up heather ain't nobody gonna care and by the Give it up, Heather. Ain't nobody going to care. And by the way, appearing on The Doctors is not an independent art film, okay? I subscribed to Backstage, so I got us a huge trailer. Okay. This is like the time

they got me a trailer for when I was interviewed for Lydia's Magazine. Lydia's Magazine. I forgot about that. When I really liked when What's Her Buttons Tamara said, well, Kelly seems to be being nice magazine. I forgot about that. When I really liked when What's Her Buns Tamara said,

Well, Kelly seems to be being nice, but you never know with that batch. She's like a rescue dog. Did she say that? She's like a rescue dog? Yeah, she said she's like a rescue dog. You don't know if she's going to kiss you or bite you. But I just thought it was funny that she called her a rescue dog.

That's just hilarious. I'm a proud member of the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Betches. I'm here to save a betch. Rescue betches. Listen, I've been watching that Sarah McLachlan commercial, and I want to adopt a betch. In the eyes of the betch. In the eyes of the betch. Saving betches.

That's my charity for Bob Barker's ex-showroom girls. Don't put them down. Remember to get your betch spayed and neutered, betch. Heather's like, stop trying to compete with Betty White. She's a good friend Beethoven is basically the story of my life

I just love hearing I just love thinking that Tamara's charity is save a betch Save a betch, ride a cowboy, betch That will always be in my brain now Save a betch If she opens up a little store She'll have a little tray that will always be in my brain mass save a batch she has if she opens up a little store shop a little tray that'll say give a batch take a batch save a batch batch don't bite the

bitch don't bite the batch that feeds you batch isn't it nice that there's a picture of a batch on the penny it's a patch on wheels Kelly Cold to say she barfed I don't know why this scene cracked me up so much They're all in this RV It's just the five of them Why can't they count? Five, right?

Because Vicky shows up There's Vicky, there's Kelly, there's Tamara, there's Heather, and there's Nikki Oh yeah, and Nikki And he just closes himself in the back room. He's like, I know how this is going to play out. I'll be in the back. I'm allowed to ride quads, but I'm not allowed to be around you guys. I will be in the room closing my ears just in case somebody says cut fitness.

Okay. Call me. So Kelly starts having to barf because she gets road sick. And the driver, the rental rv driver hates these women he keeps giving them all these dirty looks every time they say something or do anything he's like oh god what did i do it's like when you are even outclassed by the rv driver it's time to rethink your behavior you guys i know seriously and and you know ke, she's basically, like, proving herself to Vicky. She's like, okay, Vicky, just to show my devotion to you, I, too, will create nausea for myself. Unnecessarily.

She's like, what? Although Vicky does, Vicky, as we later learn, is like, oh, no. You don't get to go on a girl trip and be the only one who gets to vomit, okay? I'm going to vomit, and I'm going to vomit on you. When they showed the montage of Vicky barfing in multiple scenes. Perfect. Only this show. So then we go back to Megan, who is packing for La Quinta.

At first, I thought she was packing because she said, I'm going to the desert. I thought she was going to go to the dunes, but she was packing for La Quinta. At first I thought she was packing because she said, I'm going to the desert. I thought she was going to go to the dunes, but she was packing for La Quinta. And she got a call, and guess what? She's pregnant. And Jimmy's like, fuck.

Yeah, he really does have an FML look on his face. He's like, oh, Jesus. And he goes, I'm not going to cry, but I'm happy. I need him to be here emotionally we're barking up the wrong tree then we show the rv again and they missed a turn or something so he has to turn around and the thing starts swaying and a bag rolls did you see that a bag

rolled right under the uh right by his seat and it reminded me of final destination when a water bottle slides under the seat and i can't press the brakes and then it causes a huge pile up and gives us the new cast of people that deserve to die at some points yeah that's probably what happened and death was like all right now i finally got these bitches and i was like how did they get away i mean this was final destiny death was coming for his they were like and i love that they had that that little bit of final destination foreshadowing and then they also they start getting offed uh but uh death is no match for these women oh yeah oh death you know you know what you need to do death you need to get a jab death was like get the fuck out of here go back to earth i can't take you anymore please

don't be dead anymore would your mother be proud of you or just lay in here look at you and your your terrible looking robe that doesn't fit in your your big sickle what is that a sickle would your mother be proud get a jab heather's like i will not stand for this. You cannot bring a sickle to dune bugging. Leave the dune buggy place right now. Death's like, is this your party to- No, but get out, Death, or I'm going to leave Glamis. I want billing above the third demon from the left of Satan. And if I don't get it, you are going to hear from my lawyers. Just go back to Earth.

I love that no one even went to heaven in our. No, death came. Death came a knocking and death was like, oh, this is terrible. That was like, it smells like barf in here. I'm going back to hell. Hey, Betch. Hey, Death Betch. Have you met my son and my sister, my daughter in law?

And I was like, oh, I'm going. They finally got to the gates of heaven and gabriel was like oh my god these women have blown more to get where they are than i ever have and they're not getting through these gates he's all jealous i mean death really did try because when they finally got to glamis i mean vicky decided just to she just walked right up into the air there were 50 dune buggies flying by. And death, that's basically the equivalent of the opening scene in Pulp Fiction when the guy shoots at Samuel L. Jackson like 20 times.

Alexis Arquette comes out from the back room, 20 shots, and they all go around Samuel L. Jackson, and he doesn't get hit once. That's what happened here. Oh, this is fun! Death is like, what the fuck? Oh, this

poor cast of people having to deal with these women. The kids, I really liked when the kid was like, wait, now you have your own trailer to barf in. I love this kid. This kid needs to be his own spin-off character of the show. So funny.

And then, yeah, so everyone starts showing up. Everyone's there. So Tamara's mom's there. Eddie is there. Kelly's husband shows up with a daughter. Ryan shows up with his baby and Sarah so it's like okay we have officially anointed this white trash Woodstock

and it was just all they're missing is like Peggy Tannis with like a PBR yes yeah oh yeah Peggy would have been perfect for this she'd be doing shooting practice with like dune buggies so you know they're all having fun Peggy would have been perfect for this. She'd be doing shooting practice.

Yeah. With, like, dune buggies. Yeah. So, you know, they're all having fun. Actually, to be honest, secretly, I'm being so snotty, and I'm like, white trash, white trash. But secretly, it actually looked really fun. Oh, you know what else is really fun? Being white trash.

Yeah. Like, that's, like, the best stereotype to be in life. Yes. It's so fun. We're just jealous. By the way, we way we're jealous well i'm half white trash so it's like half of my heritage okay people it's like half it's like hot like honestly when they were like look at that those grills eddie got these like grills i was like they put out like a really nice green like astroturf thing and i was kind of like i kind of want to like be there and have some hot dogs like i'm like i'm calling it white trash because it is white trash but well this was i kind of i'm not

above it right now this was like getting free shit donated to you because you're on a tv show type trash i'm sure that tamra really got went out and rented five rvs or whatever were there and like brand new pizza ovens or whatever the hell they had out there that shit you got for free okay i know they run a gym for christ's sake so um the next day um really this is actually a really riveting scene megan and jimmy uh the scene opens with jimmy being like eggs are gooey and she's like that's why you peel them i was like i know but that's what the gooey part is you don't touch it it's like nasty it's like nasty and then megan's like oh my god did i tell you julie was scrambling eggs and she got like two yolks in one of them and i was like i think

that means we're having twins i mean it's like like i said disgusting i'm like you know long island medium over here is this the new psychic thing? Like, last year was Turkish coffee readings. This year is yolk readings. There are two yolks, which means that two things are going to happen to you in the future. Oh, my God. It's so true. Yeah.

It means that we're going to have twins whose brains are going to be scrambled. And they're going to be really salty because that's how you like them. And they like sitting on English muffins at brunch time. Then we're going to poop them out. Whoa, whoa. Okay. Too far with the eggs, Megan. Come back.

Come back, Megan. Only on this white trash ass show would somebody brag about going to La Quinta, which is like a low rent hotel chain. Well, it's a town also. I know. But it just cracks me up when she says oh lakinta is so fancy i'm like okay meemaw we're going to the town of days in there's like ice machines they're huge they don't use trays so shannon and david are on their way what the hell was this scene

why were they talking in, like, whisper talk? It's like, well, here we are, dear, driving to La Quinta. Yeah, well, David, here we are. Here we are driving to La Quinta. I'm dressed for golf, David. Yeah, because they probably have been, like, making small talk for an hour and a half, and they just weren't sure what to talk about anymore and just exhausted. So, dear, what are we going to do in La Quinta?

Golf? Golf? Golf? I think we're going to golf, and I I'm just exhausted. So, dear, what are we going to do in, like, into golf? Golf? Golf? I think we're going to golf. And I'm dressed for it. So, golf. What's your handicap, dear? David, how dare you?

How dare you? Well, now you're calling me handicap, David. We were so happy. He's like, no, dear, that's part of golf, dear. Oh. I'm having 30 to 40

negative thoughts, but it's okay because par is 50. Call me handicap one more time. I'm not marrying you a negative thoughts, but it's okay because par is 50. Call me handicap one more time. I'm not marrying you a third time, David. David, why do you keep calling me bogey? Your little bogey? David?

David? I love when David calls me his little birdie. David? David? David? Why do you keep saying you went to the beach and got a hole in one? David? No, dear. I was saying and got a hole in one? David? No, dear.

I was saying I got a hole in one. I mean, I got one in a hole, dear. David? David, is this a reference to Megan's Toad in the Hole? David? Yes, dear. It was a bizarre scene. They were just kind of whispering to each other in the car.

And Megan was in a tennis hat and big, gigantic, bee first lady sunglasses, David. I actually loved Shannon's outfit. It was just... It was like waspy, golfy, silly. I liked it. Are you going to golf at the rest stop? Why are you dressed like that? Are you playing golf right now in your car?

Do you have a hotel you're staying at? How's this working? David, I just want you to know that if we do miniature golf, I get anxiety around windmills, and you know that. So you'll have to hold my hand. David? Yes, dear. Yes, dear. So the next piece of this puzzle, this gigantic final Destapuzzle Nation.

Destapuzzle Nation. Eddie is showing the kid how to drive, and he's off on, it's not a quad. What is it? It looked like, at first I thought it was a motorcycle, but then I think it was just a quad. I think it was a four-wheeler. And it was actually, it was really sweet, but also I was like, this seems terrible. I love when Tamara's mom is like, so you're going with Tamara, huh, Heather? She's like literally almost killed me three times in a moving vehicle.

But I'm a joiner. And the best part was how Heather was like clawing her way into the front seat. I was like, you know, this bitch, she really has issues when it comes to seating. She does not let it go. Heather's that girl at Chili's in the lobby who's like we were here way before them why did they get sat before us they were part of two and you're part of six how dare they right exactly six is more money for you oh geez i'm gonna send terry a picture of an empty dune buggy seat. Seating issues.

She would not be able to fly Southwest Airlines where it's like first come, first serve seating. I'm missing a leg. Yes, I am. I'm going up first. She's like pushing old ladies out of the way. What is this general seating? Like, why do generals in the army get preferential treatment? I pay for the army.

My taxes pay for the army. I win. I mean, do you see the army get preferential treatment? I pay for the army. My taxes pay for the army. I win. I mean, do you see the work I have to do? I'm basically a general of my own army at this point. I mean, I have to order marble and hexagonal lights. I mean, give me the seating. I have a pizza oven. I don't even know how to make pizza.

Now, explain somebody else who has a bigger struggle than that. Cabinets! Somebody else who has a bigger struggle than that. Cabinets. Okay. So the girls all hop into the dune buggy. And they're just driving. Tamara's driving.

This is a bad sign, right? Because Tamara's driving. Although really in that car, I mean, really Heather should have been driving. They would have gone three miles per hour. It would have been like me driving. You know, the truth is, Heather and I are very similar people. Don't say that, we are when you say that because i love you and heather no i want to we come from the same late glass window we come from the same place okay my synagogue and her synagogue we're basically like a mile apart okay um we're from the same neck of the woods we're both jewish we both are snotty and um worry warts so you know

well at least i don't think you're anything alike and you don't have gerbil face so i will not accept that because you are my friend and you will never get gerbil face as long as we're friends because i will not let you i will be there to help you and if it looks like a gerbil face i'll punch it until it starts looking normal again at least least upgrades to a hamster face. Exactly. Tamra's fit. Look at Tamra. She's got possum face.

And even that worked out. Just give it time to settle, people. So anyway, the women go off. And they are just driving all around. And it's like super fun. And they're bouncing around and speeding and bouncing. It's bouncing. And they're all having the time of their lives.

And the music is happy. But then all of a sudden, the music gets serious. It's bouncing, and they're all having the time of their lives. The music is happy, but then all of a sudden, the music gets serious. And they go over a dune, and they go over, and they come down, and then the dune's uneven, and the dune buggy rolls over and lands on its wheels, and then it's silent, and we cut to commercial. And the cameras don't even move. They just watch.

They're like, before we see if anyone's dead, let's just make sure we've got this shot. Yeah. I love that during the entire episode, they kept showing. Did I say after? During the entire episode, they kept showing the crash. Every time, it would be like, and next. We got to see them crash, I think, 30 times. And it looked like a horrific crash, too.

It did not look good. It did look bad. Well, actually, you know what's weird? When you see it from afar, it just sort of looked like a rollover. Because those vehicles, I think they're designed to sort of just roll over in those situations. So I was like, oh, okay. They rolled over. I mean, I'm sure they got hurt.

But then the more you look at it you're like oh that you know that's that was a serious crash especially well actually when Kelly's helmet went flying off that was that's really scary um well because she's a dummy she's like well you know because later on she's like you know I was feeling claustrophobic so I took the strap off and then I thought I'd like just tie it a little bit and did it wrong like are you are you really like as big of an idiot as you are she is because she kept trying to be a victim she's like yeah it was like a miracle i'm still with us because like i mean my helmet came off and finally after saying this a million times and people just acting like it was totally normal

tamra's mom goes well you unhooked it yeah because the very first thing that happened when we come back from the commercial break so that we see it again the car's there there it's like it's a sort of scary silence and then you know heather by the way i give heather full credit i thought she was great during this she was very like she was like she said she's like i was just in take care mode or whatever she was nobody move nobody move nobody move nobody move she was like she became like dr heather debrow and she i've been on the doctors don't move don't move okay everyone get some method champagne was in here stat also raspberry ketones anybody okay okay i know this happened alfredo once when he was building my movie theater okay everyone be still so um of course kelly's like coming by with some

water don't move kelly's like my helmet my helmet came off my helmet came off i'm like listen bitch like there are injuries happening here so um yeah vicky's dead so how about you stop talking so vicky vicky's first thing now here's the thing with Vicky. She obviously got injured. And I think at a certain age, it's really dangerous to get... It's not like she's a senior citizen, but the older you are, the more these sort of accidents

can really be impactful. But the thing is with Vicky is she is known to be a drama queen. So the very first thing Vicky does is like, oh my God, oh my God, I oh my god i'm dying i'm dying she just started throwing up on kelly but i don't think she throws up on her she starts doing her are that noise but kelly didn't have barf on her she didn't of course vicky was doing her fake barf like come on vicky yeah and then um you know vicky's pretty much like i'm paralyzed i'm

paralyzed and then heather goes around and then you know the poor kid oh my god i felt bad for nikki he must have been terrified seeing that so heather goes up to her son it's like i'm i'm okay well you could hear he was scared at first like is my mom okay so he goes i'm glad our moms are okay yeah like geez but then yeah then he's and then she's like she's like i'm okay don't worry about it and nikki's just like wipe your face off god wipe your face mom god sand so i just wrote commercial rachel ray has a dog food that's fitting okay back to the show so then then it's like you know it's scary i mean it's it's a scary moment i mean we know that they wind up ultimately being fine but tamra's out on the sand they they um they

stabilize her they and then vicky like the helicopters are swirling around the ambulances are coming and you know vicky's like oh my neck my neck my neck's broken and i can't feel this i can't feel that and i'm sure she was in total pain. But at the same time, I can't help but think like, you know, she's the exact worst woman to go into shock. Right. Because you do the full shock thing. Right. Yeah.

Being electrocuted. No, you're not. You're in a helicopter. Right. Fake barfing in the helicopter. And I also thought, wow, that's a great way to keep your neck steady getting in another quad, but it's an ambulance that's moving really quickly. I'm like, that's going to really help Tamara. Except they know how to drive it.

Yeah, I was sad seeing them get killed, you know, because they died. So that was terrible. Well, then Kelly calls up Brianna. And Kelly, you know, she's really Kelly. She calls up and instead of being like, hey, just so you know, we had an accident. They're taking your mom away. I'm sure she'll be fine. But just want you to know she's headed to the hospital.

She's like, yeah, so there was an accident. And, you know, we don't know how your mom's doing. She can't feel parts of her body. She's basically paralyzed. I don't know. This could be like her last moments. So, but don't, you know, how are you? Oh, how are you doing?

Are you okay? I loved when she said that. How are you? Like, I've taught so much. How are you doing today? And she goes, oh, you're really sick too? Everybody reacted in this situation the exact stereotypical way you would think each character would act yeah kelly was a drama queen brianna was like i'm sicker

than my mom so whatever how about my mom comes to visit me while i'm sick how about that yeah and then jim was like oh who cares megan was like i don't want to go see anybody well that was that was amazing when they called me and they're like, so they're transporting Vicky to the hospital near you, so do you want to go? And Megan's like, oh, that's too bad. And Jim's sitting next to her.

Heather and Kelly call and they're such drama queens. Heather's like, oh, there was an accident. Vicky was airlifted and the other one is in an ambulance and jim's like oh god you have to listen to this his face he got all mad that he even had to listen to it and heather's like oh my god you mumbled wait are you drinking a beer kelly yeah because yeah i never have beer i must be in shock it like, oh my God, Kelly's having a beer.

Jim, just look like you fucking morons. Please just hang up the phone. Please hang it up. Exactly. But you know, the thing is this, I actually don't think that Megan and Jimmy are under any obligation to see Vicky because she's 45 minutes away, and especially they have all these plans.

Maybe they can go later that night. But that being said, you know, Megan would be the very first person to be like, I was in the hospital. No one even came by. I mean, Vicky's 45 minutes away. Why can't she come and say hi to me at the hospital? I mean, we're not friends, but, you know, I need someone.

So I'm surprised she hasn't done that yet. Because a real, real housewife would have been like, today I had to get a shot. And it, like, really hurts. And everybody knows I'm terrified of shots. I can't believe no one came to visit me while I was getting a shot. Yeah. That's what I was thinking, that she'd be like, wow, that's terrible about Vicky, but did you hear I had to get another shot today? Especially because Vicky's being so nice to her,

but I mean, that would suck having to visit Vicky because you know Vicky is probably acting like the biggest victim and she's probably put next to the children cancer's ward, like people with real fucking issues. And she's like, oh be right now i think i'm gonna barf she's probably like but she's probably doing her high pitch voice like i just want to be good well again i just want to be able to walk again that's all i just want love yeah i just want to be friends um but i just so manipulative did you notice the manipulative i'm i'm a housewife now she's so manipulative did you notice that even right after the crash when she's like i'm dying

i'm dying like it's official i'm gonna be dead soon but all i care about is tabra like that's all i can think about is tabra okay that's all i can think about is tabra okay it's like a way to solidify your like coming back into my life that's me while tamra's just sitting there calmly she's you know she's like laying still she's scared but she's just quiet but he's like um of course i would be like that too but um uh i thought actually i did feel bad for tamra's mom because that's like a horrific thing you know the mom was saying she starts crying later on she's saying how like you know she gets out of her dune buggy and all she sees is her daughter's feet lying there on the ground she doesn't know what's happening i mean that's like a nightmare for her parents so tamra's mom

said that because i wrote down i didn't know what she said because i could have sworn she said and then i saw her she was there laying just laying there and the first thing i saw were boobs and i just knew it was Tamara. I knew it was my daughter. I'm like, oh, jeez. No, no, I think it was boobs. Only this show. Yeah, no, I felt bad for them.

That's a terrible thing for a parent to have to go through. Especially because the first look she gave, when it all happened, the mom was like, I've seen this a million times. You know, Tamara and her brother are always out there crashing that shit

into each other. Yeah, exactly. Tamara on the ground again after a quad crash. Meanwhile, where's Ryan? Ryan and Sarah are probably on some dune far, far away. He's in his full-on motorcycle dune, like motocross costume that he was wearing or outfit. Oh, my God.

There was, I just, this show sometimes brings out the snottiest side of me that i would not even like to bring out in public that for people to know how like nasty i can be and this show brings it out and what better way to do it in front of you know thousands of people on the internet well this show i think you're supposed to be snotty about this show okay that's so weird that you feel so snotty like what's going on with you because sometimes i feel there's a line between being snarky and snotty like snarky is funny and snotty is just obnoxious and i feel like when i talk about this stuff i cross into that line where i'm just being snotty and oh you know so i apologize i don't think you do

i don't think you do and there's always no matter how snotty you feel Heather will always win okay always you are so right thank you so much that really fixed it so anyway that was the episode we'll find out next week what happens

with Vicky and Tamara and in the meantime why don't we cross the country to another slice of suburbia with New Jersey. So, Real Housewives of New Jersey. Jersey. Jersey.

Oh, Real Housewives of New Jersey. So they've been plugging this all week. Yeah. And showing in big Bravo letters. I don't lay down for no one I don't let nobody stop me the mob nothing

stops me not the mob not the government not nothing except a bouncer in Midtown Manhattan and also you're a felon so actually I think you've been stopped before let's not get technical. Maybe like the pant sizes at Men's Warehouse.

That's where you can get stopped. You even stopped at the entrance of an old Navy. Who are you fooling, folk? Okay, so at the top of this generally dull episode, as usual, we have Jackie talking about how much fun she had the spa weekend it was like it was really nice because like at first it was like weird between me and theresa but then she's like really sharing with me and i feel like you know we're joking and it felt like you know old times yeah it was like the old theresa again like it was just the old

theresa and ashley is there to cause problems she's like well that's nice but you don't want it to be fake mom it. It's not fake. She asked about Nicholas. She didn't even call him the R word. I mean, it was great. It was great. It was wonderful. We all opened up. And Ashley said, even Teresa. And Jacqueline goes, yeah, she opened up about her book.

Ashley just started laughing. And I like that Ashley is a dodo bird, but she's a thousand leagues above jacqueline c like she can even manipulate jacqueline because she's so dumb she's just gonna get her to hate theresa no matter what no matter what progress happens ashley will always be there to be like you remember that she's an asshole right mom what what now for the really important part of this episode yes boo boo boo so dolores dolores is up in her bedroom and ciggy comes over ciggy i'm coming up i'm coming upstairs

i hope you're decent of course you're decent you're a wonderful person you're decent inside and out and even if you're naked i'd still take you i'd still take you and even if you're naked, I'd still take ya. I'd still take ya. So, Dolores, guess what Dolores is talking about. Boo! Well, I had this talk named Boo, like he was really nice, but like I was married one time, then, you know, like I moved out, and then

there was Boo, and like Boo was also at the other place, but it didn't really feel like my place, but this place I wanted to feel like my place. My place and Boo's. But, you know, now Boo's dead. Like, I had to go Gabby and Frank took him. I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't even look at Boo. Like, I took it the hardest, because like, Boo! You know, I went Boo who? Like, I had to go. Gabby and Frank took him. I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't even look at Boo. Like, I took it the hardest because, like, Boo! You know, I went, Boo, who?

And then I thought, oh, my God. Like, it's so funny. Like, how is this, like, not funny because it's sad, but it's, like, seriously funny, you know? You know, it's, like, funny because, you know, I used to laugh so much. When I was younger, I laughed all the time, but now I don't laugh as much anymore. And I think it was because I love Frank. But, you know, I was like, Frank, I can't be with Frank. I get angry.

I can't laugh with Frank anymore. But then the second guy, I was like, oh, I thought this could be a guy I'm going to laugh with. But then after him, it made Frank look like, you know, I was like, Frank, I can't be with Frank. I get angry. I can't laugh with Frank anymore. But then the second guy, I was like, oh, I thought this could be a guy I'm going to laugh with. But then after him, made Frank look like, you know, like Carrot Top over there. So funny. So it's like,

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't laugh anymore. I don't have boo. And, you know, like I got a new house, got the gym. You know, it's like a lot to take in. And you know what I'm not going to do?

I'm not going to laugh, but I'm also not going to cry because no one in my family has ever seen me cry. Now that I find shocking. I don't believe that that's true at all.

I feel like this woman cries quite a bit. Yeah. How do you have such verbal diarrhea? How do you tell so much of your life story in like 30 seconds and not cry all the time? Yeah, I just don't believe it. Maybe she's sobbing and then her kids come in. They're like, mommy, are you okay? She's like, I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm not crying. Why would I cry? Why would'm fine, I'm not crying Why would I cry? Why would I cry? I'm not crying Just because I'm in this house doesn't feel like my house This is where you're supposed to grow up I mean, I already grew up, I was in another house It doesn't even feel the same

It doesn't feel new So, you know, poor Dolores Her dog Boo of 12 years Had to be put down So she was sad, so Siggy came to cheer her up And of course Siggy's like, Boo had a life of love He had to be put down and uh so she was sad so ciki came to cheer her up and of course he's like boo had a life of love he had a life of love so don't you worry and i'm not saying that because he liked being at the tennis courts okay he had a lot of love ah no one's luckier than boo no no one was luckier than boo and let me tell you something else my children are ganging up

against me okay let's make it about me right now okay my children they ganged up against me and the door's like oh well you don't have to tell me i mean my son like he got a license doesn't even call me anymore like doesn't even call say hey how's boo uh he doesn't even know what boo's dead i mean why it's like it's like frank all of a sudden like frank frank part two it's like a sequel you know like you know i'm so sick of sequels okay like how many sequels do we need right how about this for a sequel i got married again oh i almost got married it's terrible it would have been a terrible sequel luckily i didn't buy a ticket for it, okay? You know what? The story of my movie life should be

called Dolores Part 2, The Worst Dolores Ever. Okay, you know what? I want to go to Dolores Part 3 right now. I want a franchise. I want a trilogy of my life, okay? Yeah, me too. I want a movie made of your life called If These Walls Could Talk that say, break me down. Am I right? Give me a budget.

Here's a budget. It's called How Much Money Would would you give me to punch my own son in the face? Because he doesn't even call me anymore. I say, how about I punch you in the face? How about that? Huh? I love that. How about I punch you in the fucking face? And then he said, you're an animal, Ma.

An animal. And I said, you know what? I love you. You're my son. And he said, you know what, Ma? I love you, too. I've got great abs. And I said, you do have great abs.

Let's show them to the family again. And I said, okay, enough. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I don't cry, you know what, Ma? I love you too. I've got great abs. And I said, you do have great abs. Let's show them to the family again. And I said, okay, enough. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I don't cry. You know what? You know what? God bless your son for having abdominal muscles. That is a wonderful thing. And each muscle there is a blessing.

Every time I see a cellar, I think of when I grew up in the bomb shelter because that's literally how we washed our clothes. Like an actual washboard. Yeah. Your son's muscles. He's like made of rock, like the walls in the bomb shelter that I grew up in. So, Teresa and Gia,

they're dying the dog, and Teresa is... You skipped a very important scene. Oh, what? Melissa was at the boutique. She's like, I thought it would be more fun. What about running a boutique ever since?

I thought it would be more fun. And then she's having issues because her friend Jackie or whatever bought oversized things. And then Melissa's like, I admit it. I'm not good at delegating. But that's partially because you don't know what the word delegating means, I think. It's like I'm terrible at caucus. Melissa's store is called Envy.

And I think it's funny that she's kind of trying to be like Teresa in so many ways when she calls her store Envy. This is just embarrassing. Melissa, why are you even pretending? I think that's the first time she's been to the store since the party. Yeah. And she's like, oh, look, all these deliveries are coming in. I didn't order this. So she calls her partner in a tutu, Cray Cray in a tutu, who's in the Bahamas right now, probably in a tutu swimsuit.

Yeah. And she's like, we talked about what to order, and I don't like this stuff. And she's like, Melissa, you're a size zero. Most people in the world are a size 22. That's the average size. I know what you want, okay? I bought whore clothes, but fat whore clothes, okay? Fat people

want to be whores too, Melissa. She'll talk when you get back. She'll be like, you don't even have to go to work either. Is the gaping mouth queen still there? Then go home. Where's that mouth breather? He's like,'s right here i'm wearing a black shirt with a crazy white v on it it's like some fashion forward you think what happened is that me and jackie went to the city and i think we ordered this stuff sorry in other fashion forward

news we then go to theresa's house and this is where we have that stupid dog with a stupid pink shit on its back. No kidding. Boo died, and meanwhile, Teresa's dying her dog. Like, you're a sick woman, Teresa. How dare you? Yeah. So then... My book!

My book! My book! She started with her Teresa's book. Yeah. And then Joe Giudice comes in and he's like, get that ugly dog off the table. Come on now. You know what? I'm going to kick your ass, Gia. I'm going to kick your ass with that dog. What are you doing with that dog, Gia? Oh, sweet, Joe.

He's like, let me tell you something, huh? I love you girls. You're beautiful. Your dog is ugly. It's an ugly dog. Get the fuck off here. What are you going to do? What are you going to do?

And she, a little brat, she's like, you don't have to say anything, stupid. You're leaving anyway. You're going to jail. He's like, oh, yeah? You think I won't be leading from the jail? You know how your mom was in the jail? I'm going to be like that, but with less workout sessions and more blowjobs. I get blow

jobs in jail right and then eventually just wound up being like uh shut up that you shut up shut up shut up shut up yeah pretty much gia says shut up then he says shut up i'm gonna beat you and the tree's like how you feeling joe and he's like shut up shut up she's stupid bitch and then she tells us well you know joe like he's just saying that because he's like, shut up. Shut up. You stupid bitch. And then she tells us, well, you know, Joe, like, he's just saying that because he's like her, you know, because like he's drinking and stuff. Like we've been through so much. He's just drinking. So then Siggy goes and picks up her son, Josh, from wherever. They both have like these matching puffy black jackets.

And Siggy, I love that Siggy is so involved in saying whatever she's saying at any given moment. She doesn't realize that she drove over a trash can lid. Mom's like, Mom, you drove over a trash can lid. You know what? We should be so lucky that the biggest problem in our lives

is a trash can lid. Because you know what's in that trash can? It's a lot of love. A lot of love. I can't believe I just ran over a trash can lid. You know what that trash can needs? A lid. Unlike you. Like if you was a trash can, you wouldn't even need a lid. You'd just be a lidless trash can because you don't need your ma.

You don't even need me anymore. You know what that feels like to be me when my kid doesn't even need me? He's like, ma, could you stop touching my butt and my legs? Like it's disgusting. Like, you touch me all the time. I'm a grown man, Ma. And her response was, you know, I don't have a limit. I mean, what do you want from me?

I was born in a bomb shelter. I'm like, what does that have to do with you not having, like, a limit of how much you want? Oh, see. Don't let anyone call you trash, though. You know what? I may have driven over trash, but you're not trash. Don't let anyone call you that. You know what you are. Oh, see. Don't let anyone call you trash, though. You know what? I may have driven over trash, but you're not trash. Don't let anyone call you that. You know what you are?

You're a beautiful piece of sculpture marble and art. Okay? That's not trash. Hey, you're not trash. You're the son of Ziggy Flicka. You might as well be my right arm. And your sister might as well be my left. Because without you, Suze, I couldn't even rub my hands together. And then what kind of

mother would I be? None. That's what I say. He's like, okay, just please stop grabbing my ball sack, ma. You're still my baby. You're still my baby. You may be 16 years old, but to me, you're my baby and you'll always be my baby. As boring as this show

kind of is. Siggy, I don't care. I don't care what Siggy does. I don't care if she does every exact storyline that every other housewife does. I don't care. I love it. Every time she's on, she cracks me up. I find that her and Dolores are very funny. Dolores is not a very interesting person, but the way

she rambles on over and over again just actually cracks me up. Yeah, and even seeing Teresa not doing anything is kind of entertaining to me i don't know why i know it shouldn't be but i'm liking theresa more than i normally do yeah me too well she at this point is just trying to get through joe's drunken binge drinking uh until he goes to jail because he's not gonna stay with you no matter what joe he's like oh yeah you dumb bitch and then he goes and lays down on the couch because he's so wasted.

It's like 3 in the afternoon. Yeah. He was basically. What did he say? He was like, I wish you weren't here anymore. Like, I wish you were back in jail or something. Some stupid thing. But he was just being surly and whatever.

And she's like. Dolores calls Tree. Oh, wait, wait. Did we already? No. So Tree is now alone in the kitchen. Did she yell at her kids? What part is this?

Siggy and Josh car Tree Joe. No, she didn't yell at the kids yet. She's just talking. Oh, she's still yelling with Joe, right? Yeah, she's just yelling with Joe. That's it. Like, yeah, I took care of myself before you came along, Joe. And he's like, yeah, fuck you.

I'll only miss my kids once I leave. Except for Gia. She's a bitch. You're trash! He's only like that because he loves us. He bought a security camera because he cares about securities.

So he bought a security camera. Oh, good. That's when she put up the security camera. That's when Dolores calls and she puts up... This is when they have, I sort of zoned out but they were talking about like being able to do it for yourself and

she's putting up the she's putting up the cameras and they're just talking about. Look, seriously, it's easier to just do everything without a man. Trust me. It's easier. And then she tells us, Tree won't ever leave that man. She will never evolve.

I was like, you can just end the sentence there. And you'd be completely correct. She will never evolve past that tradition of staying with a man no matter what. And then we see Tariq putting up the camera. And I thought, nice, Teresa. Every viewer just saw where you're putting up your hidden security cameras. Really secure. so then over at jacklyn's house uh so chris is doing a poker night one of his traditional poker nights so

we're getting ready for that and they're getting excited and we're cross-cutting between that and like oh god craziness at the gorga house how can we do it all you know which is like the only thing that they're doing this season and now it's mel Melissa's turn to do it. She's like trying to make dinner. Trying to like the kids making eggs. We're putting eggs in the pot. We're trying to make this Parmesan, like chicken Parmesan. And you know, oh my God,

I've got to do a line sheet. I got to do a project. I got to take Gio to wrestling. I'm like, I really don't care. Yeah, the guy, the gay crowd. This is your fault. Did she get the line sheets that we sent you? Because the deadline is today.

She's like, I do my lines off the mirror. Like, what are you even talking about? No, the line sheets. we sent you? Because the deadline is today. I do my lines off the mirror. Like, what are you even talking about? Not the line sheets. I don't know what that is. Could you give me a couple of hours? Is that like a composition book where they have a line and you're writing them? Okay, I'll get them. Why do we need them for the store?

And this is where she pulled a Teresa. The kid made a mess and she went, Oh, Joey! It's like, you are not Teresa. Who even wants to be Teresa? Get a better goal. Aim up. Yeah, honestly, at this point, you guys have a big enough house. You obviously have money. At this point, can you just hire

a babysitter or a nanny or something? Please, this is... I just have no sympathy at this point. Yeah, I never really have sympathy for Melissa. So Rosie comes over to Jackie. She's in a mood. Yeah, she is. She's she's like yeah you know i feel bad because uh you know some yeah at the new year's i said some stuff and yeah i shouldn't say

stuff like that because i'm not an asshole i'm a rosie i don't do that i don't do that i've been there for joe i fucking and she's telling us i've been there for Joe I fucking And she's telling us I've been there for Joe And then Beep beep Beep beep Beep beep Beep beep

Beep beep Beep beep Beep beep Beep beep Beep beep Beep beep Beep beep Beep beep

Beep beep Beep beep Beep beep Everything she said Was beeped out Like I'd love to be Paying more attention to you But I have no idea

What you just said Robot lady Robot dyke And then she's like And then when they cut back To what she said That was so offensive She's like

You know what If he doesn't want us To be at New Year's then go fuck yourself i'm like it's really not that bad rosie that's like basically saying hey good morning how's it going in new jersey yeah no kidding and no one even heard it she was basically talking to herself she's upset that she talked that way but she didn't even talk like that to anybody just herself she's completely hilarious and i think obviously has some kind of manic depression issues and probably drinks too much because she showed up looking like she was coming down from a really long marijuana high and a McDonald's binge, which saps your energy. I've been there. And no one even knows how to get on her page.

Of course, the shit starters, Jackie and chris are like well do you think that's chris who's doing that i mean do you think that's joe who's i'm sorry do you think that that's theresa who's making joe or whatever i don't even know do i think it's theresa do i think it's joe like i don't even care you know what's making me feel like this charles shaw that man you know what i'm like an assassin i'm just gonna come right up to you and punch you in the face i'm like an assassin i'm gonna come up to you and i'm gonna help you bowl so we both get good scores you know i'm like an assassin that's off duty that likes the bowl that's what i'm saying

um so then uh and so now yeah ros is like, she really is in a state. She's like, I miss you, Joe Gorga. I miss you. I miss you. And he's like, she's like, where have you been? He's like, well, I'm, you know, working. She's like, okay, okay. And notice that she added, I haven't even seen you since your sister came back.

Like, she blames Teresa for everything, which I think a lot of the time she's probably right. Yeah. But in this particular situation, it's not really Teresa. They're shooting a show. Like, they're pretending to have all these storylines. Yeah, exactly. So they're waiting for Joe Giudice to come over for poker night. But he's, like, drunk and he's in bed.

So he's not coming. But the weirdest thing is, like, Rose is like, all right, well, then I'm leaving. No, I don't need it. I'm leaving. She just storms out. Like, I'll see you, all right well then i'm leaving i don't know i don't i don't need i'm leaving she just storms out like i see you's all right and then they then bravo's like oh because we have some time to film why don't we just show that clip of her saying fuck you again it's just like you know what fuck you jojo dice i'm like yes we remember we saw it two minutes ago and jacqueline comes in

and the guys are like what the the hell? What the hell was that all about? Like, it's fucking crazy. Like, it doesn't even make sense. And she's like, well, guys, this is how emotions work. She may act like Fred Flintstone, but she's still a woman on the inside and feels things. That's ridiculous. It's probably Teresa made

Joe do that or some shit. And then Rosie comes back in. I think she did a line of coke in her, you know, like off-brand hummer outside and came back in because she's like i feel better yeah i came back i calmed down hey forget about it i actually you know what the funny thing is as someone who enjoys hosting game nights etc i could actually see the frustration in their eyes because they're like well now we are only three players like three players for poker it's kind of like not the same like what do we do now i was like i've been there i totally get it i get it guys and ashley's boyfriend added nothing yeah just just just in case anybody's wondering what you know not that he really signed up i mean he

literally did sign up for this but you know know what I mean. Didn't audition. So then we go over to Dolores' house where there's renovations happening. And so, you know, because the house has got to be new. Because I had the house with the first marriage. And then Frank was in. But then the second marriage. Da-da-da. So then Siggy comes over.

We're going to get you organized. We're going to get you organized. I do not want a man running your life. And she's like, well, I don't have to do my bills. I just give running your life and she's like well i don't have to do my bills i just give those to frank she's like frank no so i love the c goes listen we're gonna have to clip your wings so that way you can fly like how does that work are you gonna put it like a are you gonna put like a wingless bird on an airplane ziggy's poor clients. Yeah.

She's trying to save people from suicide. You know what you got to do? You got to open a new window and you got to jump out. I'm like, oh, okay. My shrink told me to do this. Before you run, you have to cut your legs off. Wait. But then what?

Well, you know what? You just have a lot of love. Just remember, there's a lot of love in this world, and it's all for you. Sometimes if you feel like you can't swim, you just need to jump into a really, really ragey river. Really Ragey River. That's the name of my new water park. It's the Siggy Water Park. You go in for really ragey rivers, and you come out fixed.

But your kids won't talk to you. Kids aren't allowed to be on the phone. This is my waterpark. So Teresa comes over. It's like, hi, guys. She's dressed like she just killed Grover's entire family. She's wearing her purple fur. It's like, hi, guys.

I just needed to get some air. Oh, look, the walls are gray you know what gray's the new thing my daughter wanted a room to be gray it's like let me guess it's the depressed lesbian right no she said she said she said she wants her new thing gray rooms gray gardens um so yeah One more thing, Grey Realms. Greg Adams. So, yeah, then they just continue to rag on Dolores for being too dependent on Frank. And Dolores is like, listen, I don't see what the big deal is. You know, it's like hiring a bookkeeper, except it's going to Frank. Like, I don't know. I don't care.

He's a lawyer. He's the most intelligent man I know. His intelligence is through the roof. You know what? Like, I used to say to Boo all the time, Boo, Frank is so intelligent. You should go hang out with Frank some more. But Boo was like, I'm a dog. Yeah, I can't go anywhere. I got to be still with you. If you take me to Frank, I'll hang out with Frank. I'm like, okay, Boo, I get it. I get it. I'll take you to Frank, okay? So I'm time, Boo, Frank is so intelligent. You should go hang out with Frank some more. But Boo is like, I'm a dog. Yeah, I can't go anywhere. I gotta be still with you.

If you take me to Frank, I'll hang out with Frank. I'm like, okay, Boo, I get it. I get it. I'll take you to Frank, okay? So I'm like, okay, enough. And Teresa's like, you can't just leave it up to a man. What you's gonna do? Look at me. Like, I mean, what, you wanna be sent off to camp? She's like, camp sounds amazing right now. Like, I wouldn't have to deal with all this

stress, like all these bills. What's Frank gonna do? Where am I gonna live? What's our relationship? What's happening going to do? Where am I going to live? What's our relationship? What's happening right now? What's going on with my kitchen? What's going on with the cabinets? Camp sounds wonderful. Is it sleepaway camp or day camp? Because I like them both. I think that day camp, what I like about day camp is that it's temporary. You get to come

home. It's short and brief. It's sort of like my first engagement. Well, the first engagement after Frank, of course. Frank was like sleepaway camp. My other guy was like day camp. Those were like camping camp. Is there a new floor camp? Oh, new floor camp.

Maybe got for Home Depot tiles. So then over at the Gorga household, there's like a sweet, boring scene where Antonio is getting dressed up to go to a daddy-daughter dance. And, you know, she was very pretty and it's really cute seeing her joe finally gets to go to a dance with somebody his own height oh hugs everybody this is getting her ready and she goes so what do you want to be when you're older have you given it thought like you're what are you going to do and she's

like well but as long as i can i want to be a cheerleader slink up like mother like daughter that's not a real profession I'm like well what are you doing miss envy boutique don't you remember mommy was mommy went to college to be a teacher how else could she have the option to teach us pole dancing classes

once you kids go to high school so then Teresa and Gia go out for sushi and talk about the family and stuff. God, Gia, this scene was so... I mean, Gia's a teenager.

Who cares? I like Gia. She's in her snotty teenager phase. And Teresa's saying, I'm glad we can have this time together, Gia. Because I know you did so good to take time with your family and your father. And, you know, your dad's going to be gone. And she goes, yeah, he needs to go because he's a mess. And maybe once he's in jail, he can get his shit together.

I mean, like, where else is he going to get a regular workout routine? I mean, that guy's an idiot. She's like, uh. Well, you know, she's just. Yeah. She's just mad because he's drinking a lot, you know, because so much has happened lately. And by the way, that's not insignificant. Oh, she's just mad because he's drinking a lot.

Yeah. That's a big deal. Yeah, it's kind of a big thing. It's called a family falling apart at the seams. Yeah, but it's always been like that with him. Don't you remember when he got in that drunk driving thing and ran into a tree and then he said that he walked home and had a shot because he was so stressed out five shots of he crashed he was like hey it was like this well my uh my my father-in-law was there so my father's this way just went over and i you know so stressed i had five shots of whiskey you know just to calm myself

down so sketchy um but i like that g is not taking it but yeah i don't know so then while i watch it i'm like you fucking brat but then you know i'm kind of on her side too so then it's a different night and uh it's the night of the book launch and uh the kids are fighting audriana is being a little brat throwing things on the counter so they have to they get in trouble and everything and it's time to go into the city because there's going to be, the book launch is going to take place at a bar. And it's 21 or over for who knows what reason. I don't know why. So much of Teresa's story is her kids.

So it's strange that she had an event at a 21 or over place. But that becomes a significant point in a few minutes. But they're all driving. They're all getting into limos and stuff chris gets into um a limo with jacqueline and dolores and ciggy and chris is like whoa i i feel like i'm going to prom and i was shocked that dolores did not launch into the story of her life like prom well you know you know who took me to prom it wasn't frank it was guy before frank you know and he was great i thought this guy's great i really like him a lot makes me want to be a police

officer i'm being a police officer i met frank i was like oh frank you know and he was great i thought this guy's great i really like him a lot makes me want to be a police officer i'm being police i met frank i was like oh my god i remember him how every day felt like a problem with frank until it wasn't a problem anymore you know because there's always problems got to end it's got to be about like shut up dolores oh oh my god he's like if this was 25 years ago it'd be a different night that's true because it would have been 25 years ago. Yeah. And the car would have been not a Hummer, not a stretch Hummer, whatever the hell. And it wouldn't be happening, because

there was no such thing as reality stars. They have, like, the tackiest rental places in New Jersey. Oh my god. I've never seen tackier shit rented, and I watched the shots of Sunset. Yeah, it's true. Everything comes with, like, a purple neon lighting. Yeah. So, back in the other limo or the other car whatever they're in trees talking about how she's like yeah yes and joe is talking to his friend he's like yeah chris who cares yeah bring

your kid yeah yeah it's fine and theresa goes no joe it's 21 and over. Like, they can't bring their kids. It's like 21 and over, Joe. It's a bar. And he goes, says who? The law. It says the law. He goes, who? I don't care about the law, huh?

It says who the law. I'm like, you're about to go to jail. Now might be the time to care. Yeah. You realize your wife's on probation, right? Like, you realize this, okay? Like, you should care about it. Oh, and by the way,

funny little detail, your wife is not allowed to be around felons, and you invited a felon to the party. What is wrong with you? Yeah, and he's like, so what? Who cares? And they're on camera. Which is how they got caught in the first place, by the way. With all of this. What a dumb... I mean, this guy... Not by the way to you, but by the way to audience

or whoever's listening. I mean, Jojo Dice, what? I mean, what an idiot. He's such an idiot. I mean Jojo does what I mean what an Emmy such an idiot I mean like it's such such an idiot and he actually she says Joe you can't do that my lawyer said he goes shut up I would never jump I would never jeopardize you she just got out of

prison for you I'll never jeopardize you again today so Dorinda's there yeah Dorinda that was cute I'll never jeopardize you again did they so Dorinda's there I didn't have anything to say about it yeah because you just was there you better back it up

the only room where Dorinda looks like sober and quiet is the jersey room it's the classiest she ever looked and then Reno was there and Teresa and Nicole and of course the the classiest she ever looked. And then Reno was there and Teresa and Nicole. And of course, the twins' classiest ever. They're like, hi, Teresa. I went up to Joe and I said, you guys fucking a lot?

And then he was all, yeah. And I was like, I bet. Classy. Hey, we brought a culotta in our little flask. Is that OK? Don't tell management. I can't believe that Tree even let them in. I mean, weren't the twins like, at least we're not going to jail, you whore.

Or whatever. God, these reunions get so messed up. I literally remember nothing about what the twins said last season, except that one of them met Bobby in a Dunkin' Donuts. One of them met Bobby in a Dunkin' Donuts. So then Joe Gorga, the biggest gossipy woman on this show, goes over to Juicy Joe and he's like, yeah, so the other night we was playing poker and Rosie, she was storming out. And, you know, because you got some kind of problem with her. It was because of you. And Joe's like, I ain't got a problem with Rosie.

I don't know what the hell she's talking about. Fucking Joe Gorga. Come on, Joe. You're not a with Rosie. I don't know what the hell she's talking about. It's a fucking Joe Gorga. Come on, Joe. You're not a housewife. Calm yourself. Exactly. And also, by the way, clearly that had no traction. Like, you know, it's like I love it when these guys on Jersey, like, they really don't get it.

They just don't get into the mix. Like, in terms of, like, getting all agitated with gossip. Because it always just revends Joe Gorga. Joe Gorga does, but Joe just revends Joe Giudice. Joe Gorga does, but Joe Giudice is like, eh, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Look, I'll tell my wife F you.

I ain't telling Rosie F you. She can kick my ass. You seen that girl? She's huge. So what? Who cares? I liked also when Siggy's husband came in. That's like Michael Campanella.

And he comes in and Siggy's just like, Hava Nagila Hava Nagila Hava Is this the way he, is this the entrance he always gets to anything? I can just imagine like she's at a Broadway show and he comes in like five minutes late and in the middle of the show he just gets up in the middle of the aisle, Hava

Nagila Hava Nagila Shh She's like, I do! Stomps on a glass. Here's my friend Robin and her wife Christina. I'm like, thanks. Why are we watching this? And they're like, look, it's her friends, Robin and Christina. Are they, like, famous for something? No.

Because the whole thing was basically leading up to this next scene. So Joe goes upstairs, and it's danger music music but it's the clown danger music yeah and by the way the cameraman the best part is that joe is texting and the cameraman is just like over his shoulder like let's see what joe's texting about totally snooping so yeah clown danger music so they go outside and theresa's lover the lawyer otherwise known as the lawyer at law is out there and he's like joe, I told Teresa you can't just let this guy in. Security won't let him in. He's got a 12-year-old Joe. And Joe goes,

shut up! And then his friend starts yelling. Listen to me! Well, it's not just that the friend starts yelling. I'm sorry to cut you off. Joe walks up. You see this guy, this big sort of wall of a guy across the street he's standing there could have been anybody from the sopranos could have been yeah he's sitting he's standing

there he apparently has a 12 year old child somewhere so he's just standing there looking like he's checking texts and joe walks over and puts his hand up to be like hey sorry and the guy doesn't even he is at 150 he just turns around he and he's like, he just explodes. I mean, I could not even believe how much. He's like, listen to me. That's my blood. Open your arm up. It was hard to tell because the camera was like across the street.

Because, you know, Joe was like, get the fuck out of here. You want me to fucking kick your ass? Get the fuck out of here. The camera is doing it from across the street. And I couldn't tell at first who was yelling, but it sounded like Rosie from The Reunion. Yeah. I'll kill her! That's literally what it was.

And the guy was just out of his mind. I think Joe went over there and be like, sorry, I can't, you know, I did my best. And he was screaming. And that's when he was like, listen to me. That's my blood. That's my blood. No one stops me. The mob, listen to me that's my blood that's my blood the mob the government that's my blood i put my balls out for you this guy's this guy's screaming because they won't let a 12 year old into a bar l all okay by the way my favorite part was that

bravo they they would put up a title for him and said chris c and they did not say joe's friend they said chris c convicted felon oh my god that shit was hilarious yeah that was that like it was so random and so intense it was like i just started cracking up like who is this madman and meanwhile what is he yelling about teresa's pr lady or whatever it's like okay everyone ding ding or except it's like on plastic way more waspy than that that's the best part of it she's like dink dink dink clink on plastic everybody she's like does anyone know where juicy joe is juicy joe anyone yeah teresa's like wait wait hold on i don't want to do this. Call Joe up here. Call Joe first.

And she's like, Joe, Juicy Joe? Yeah, Juicy Joe. It's like, oh, geez. Well, Teresa can drink again. And this lady wasn't going to bring any drama to this. But, of course, Joe's outside getting yelled at. And Teresa always makes the worst situation even worse. Get Joe over here.

And the lawyer says, he can't come out. He's outside fighting with the bouncer. And like some guy from the Sopranos. Like, he's not going to come out here, hon. Joe. He didn't mean to do that. It's just that, you know, he's been drinking so much. Oh, God.

What a mess. It's just that, you know, he's been drinking so much. Oh, God. What a mess. It was a funny end. It was like a pretty sort of average episode, but then it was funny at the end. I just think that the show, it's just so much of them just in their kitchen, in their, like, den, just, like, talking about dumb stuff.

Not dumb stuff, but stuff that's just not that interesting. Yeah, I'm finding it okay. I don't necessarily want to see this cast fight like i don't want to see jackie and tree fight i'm bored with that and i don't want to see siggy or dolores fight with anybody ever because they're so nice um so i don't know what the solution is like melissa keeps trying to start fights but yeah i don't care about melissa they um they released a trailer at the end of the episode that was like, coming up this season, and it looked like a ton of fighting,

and it looked like real fighting, not stuff to make it look like it's fighting. So I'm optimistic about that. I mean, it reminds me a little bit of Real Housewives of New York City season five, where they brought in all the new women, and the first half of the season was like, okay, it's fine.

It's not really going anywhere. And then they realized they needed to amp it up. And so then the second half was like bonkers out of control madness. And I'm hoping that that's what's going to happen in the second half of this season. We had talked about rumors and stuff before this season started,

while it was still shooting. And those rumors were that Teresa comes back and she's medicated because she's been put on medication like to help with her rage and you know all this other stuff so when she was in prison she was basically being medicated and she kept up with all of her medications when she got home and then apparently goes off the medications and so gets like 30 times as crazy halfway through the season that's so you know what the show shouldn't have to rely solely on uh teresa being in bonkers crazy lady you know

well there were all these are also rumors but remember when we were talking about a year or two ago how bravo changed there were all these stories about how bravo had changed their pay scales like the way they were paying people yeah and they weren't contracting them for the whole season anymore they were doing contracts like three or four times a year to keep the ladies in line so that if they weren't putting out that they would be axed and we never found out

if that's true or not because they're fairly secretive over there but it would make sense because it kind of explains how people shift gears yeah a couple times a year like Carol this year is like, I need a story! Vegan cookbook! I have a boyfriend!

Or whatever. Yeah, I agree. Well, everyone, thanks for listening to this super fun episode. Check out WatchWhatCrapHands.com, come to our Facebook page, WatchWhatCrapHands on Facebook, and then support us on Patreon. Listen to our tune-incom, come to our Facebook page, WatchRockRappins on Facebook, and then support us on Patreon.

Listen to our tune-in show, come to our live show at the LA PodFest. Y'all know the drill at this point. Ronnie, you're a dream. We will be back later this week to talk about Real Housewives of New York City, Below Deck premiere,

and last week's episode of Real Housewives of Melbourne um so much fun as usual and thanks everyone for listening so we'll talk to y'all later bye yay bye hey prime members you can listen to watch or crappens ad free on amazon music download the amazon music app today or you can listen ad free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.