Watch What Crappens - #326: Don’t Be Cross

Episode Date: September 8, 2016

Timestamps below! The second part of the Real Housewives Reunion featured squawking that would make a hen house envious, the Real Housewives of Melbourne went on a RHOBH sightseeing trip in Dubai, and Below Deck returned with a new cross (eyed douche) to bear. Enjoy! Find our bonus episodes and social media links at WatchWhatCrappens.com! Timestamps: 00 Opening and RHONY Reunion Part 2 1:03:13: RHOMelbourne 1:38:13: Below Deck Returns We have partnered with TuneIn to deliver more bonus content! Download the app! For our own premium feed, bonus episodes and extras, visit http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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We love you, mama. Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? It's a watch what crappens. Watch what crappens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast. The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV, the Rose Pricks podcast, and the Big Brother's Mother podcast. And I'm with my gorgeous co-host, Ben Mandelker of B-Side Blog and the Banter Blender. Hello, Ben. Hello, Ronnie.

How are you? Great, thanks. How are you? We're talking in real life today. We're sitting across from each other at a table instead of just being on Skype in our underwear. Because we're at the world famous improv here in Hollywood. Yeah. It's super exciting. We do this once a month now.

It's usually the first Thursday of the month we come to the improv and we see each other face to face and make sure we look the same. We do. Do we? That's good. More or less. After my cereal addiction. Oh, that's good.

I've been doing some cereal too. You have? Well, I've been eating a cereal too yeah like well i've been eating a lot of special k which is weird i don't do it for like any to be like some lady in a yogurt ad i do it because i really like special lady in a yogurt ad um everybody welcome maria maria maria is our producer today we have a producer today maria you might remember had matching hair to her glasses yeah but today she has the same glasses and different hair but still matched her rubber

band that's holding her ponytail well no it matches the top of her glasses now yeah that's true now it's a double match actually it's a double match a black and turk she's more accessorized than we'll ever be um everybody here's a house cleaning right we are on tune in we're doing a bonus gossip episode every week on tune in so go over there i'm sure you just heard that so i won't go on too much about that we're doing la pod fest what is finally the month of la pod fest we've been talking about it so much we are going on september 25th at the sophie tell hotel if you want to come see us that's going to be a really fun live show um go to la pod fest and use the code crappins because you can also buy a streaming ticket which if you're not going to be coming to la

loser you can watch this all from home the entire pod fest was going to have huge shows yeah and by the way if no one comes to our show it's going to be mortifying because we're going to be amongst our podcast peers. So please come so we can save face. Yeah. Make an effort, you guys. It's almost voting time. Instead of showing what a good American you are, show what a good crappin's listener. Yeah.

Yeah. So if you want to get a streaming pass, go to LAPodFest and use the keyword crappins, and you'll get a nice fat discount on your streaming pass. And otherwise, we'll see you there. Yes, please. Please. You can come to Watch What Crappins to find links to everything we're talking about, including the PodFest. Also, come to Facebook.com slash Watch What Crappins to talk crap with other listeners during the week and live show threads.

This week, particularly hilarious on real housewives of New York. There's live show threads up for every show we cover. So come talk. And that's it. Right. What I forget. Oh,

go to patrion.com. DER. We do a bonus episode every week for our premium subscribers over at patrion.com slash watch what crap. Super fun. Super fun super super super fun um so anyway we got a big show today so big that we're not even gonna do the cropping's mailbag which coincidentally is also empty so that worked out pretty well for us well isn't that convenient sorry for the noise i'm lifting my i'm lifting my microphone a little bit.

I'm actually going to adjust my seat because I realized that last time when we were recording the show, I would always be looking at you, Ronnie. And when I looked at you, I'd be turning away from the microphone. And now this way I can look at you and speak into the microphone. That way I could be heard brilliantly. Well, now my microphone is covering my nose. Me too! God damn it! There is no perfect way, you guys you guys okay i think i've got the

perfect setup now i'm gonna get a get a crick in my neck i feel so good about this i'm looking at ronnie with the the brick exposed brick wall in the background of the improv i came in today and there was a huge fan and i was like thank god my fat sweaty butt like there's gonna be a fan on me and they were like yeah we got that for kevin smith because like he's big and he's always complaining that he's hot i was like let's just pretend it's for me and it's broken right when i said pretend it's for me it doesn't even work what did kevin smith do to that fam i'm kidding he got mad like slammed it down he was like clerics is the best movie ever he's still mad at southwest airlines he's like damn you making me buy two seats you bastard oh yeah um so we're basically walking in the

footsteps of kevin smith right now sitting in the footsteps sitting for kevin smith or sitting in his footsteps yeah uh well maybe he'll be at the at the la pod fest we know todd glass is putting on a show when during our show and he's very popular. So we need some – by the way, we need some people who want to see us in our – I don't want to see Todd Glass' podcast because otherwise it's going to be empty. Protest outside Todd Glass' podcast. Damn it. So we're going to talk today about Real Housewives of New York, Real Housewives of Melbourne from last week, and the Below Deck season premiere.

That's exciting yeah a lot of stuff yeah cross-eyed cross to bear on below deck can't wait to talk about that guy but we're gonna start with the real housewives of new york city okay bethany came into the season with zero fucks and a vagina bleeding all over the town now that's a log line if i've never heard one before wonky eyed ass andy opening the show like oh geez bethany clips here we go literally i'm bleeding like every clip was like i'm bleeding we got to see bethany bleeding in the tj maxx the home goods the target everywhere with like a red logo yeah the whole the whole thing um which then turned into this whole thing we had totally forgotten about this whole um angle that bethany

was doing is like you know it's weird i'm bleeding and i'm you know i think i'm gonna die i'm going into surgery but you know i don't have a family anymore i don't have no one i don't have anyone cry to i've got a chauffeur but you know i don't know what even his name is richard i don't know i don't have a mother morgan freeman is so lazy it's like retire already like if you're gonna be my guy like you gotta be there when i cry okay yeah like i don't i don't even like daisies like what why are you gonna don't don't call me miss daisy like what about roses like what am i i'm not like the bachelor something like give me a rose give me a flower give me the final rose like i'll say like i can't like literally if i have to wait here in

this line with all these other bitches like i can't in the waiting room so they showed i thought it was interesting that they showed the clips that they did because they're kind of showing Bethany's timeline. Bethany's been so obsessed with timelines. I made a timestamp. Okay. That was the night I made a timestamp. So they were showing kind of her timestamps without really saying what they were doing because no one attacked her on it. But I thought it was interesting.

Before the new year, she came into her office. So that was like at the end of pre-break filming, right? She comes into her office and she tells all the interns, I was up all night until four in the morning. Like we were talking until four in the morning. It was crazy. Old friend, just that. So that was before.

Then after, she's fallen in love and he's already saying he wants to marry her. So that's like the first week of the new year. When did this man get separated? I really want to catch Bethany in a lie. And I've gone online and done my crazy person investigating. Every person in this Dennis Shields family has just gone offline. They're like, bye. His ex-wife is an interior designer named Jill Shields.

Okay. So his name is Dennis Shields? His name is Dennis Shields. Okay. So his name is Dennis Shields. His name is Dennis Shields. Okay. He's kind of hot. He looks like Tom. Okay. He looks like a taller version of Tom, basically, which is also hilarious.

She must love him. She's like, you know, I have my wall up. He has his shields up. We love it. We just don't talk about anything. We're just very guarded. When I get my wall up, he gets his shields up. We're just clanking each other.

Like, what do you think is going to win, a wall or a shield? We'd like to play who's most guarded lingerie lingerie is like a bulletproof vest when we have sex we both stand in different corners of the room he knocks on he clinks on shields i knock on walls it's hot literally kill me now like honestly like if we have to go jousting again i literally kill me now jousting it's like medieval times literally he needs a shield um i really want to know the timeline so i looked up his ex-wife jill schwartzberg shields and she's friends with cory and andy from secrets and wives which i guess is bethany's old high school crew and i'm just guessing because bethany is friends with cory and all those people but the only place you can really find her other than her stupid design stuff.

Sorry, Jill Shields, but shiny silver leather. No, just stop it. Stop it wherever you are. I'm on your side in this, but stop it. Shiny silver leather. Shiny silver leather. So other than that stuff, she really, I mean, she's very pretty. She looks, you know, like she could be a real house

wife which she might be yeah i mean come on if anybody has a brain over there they're trying to chink into her yeah her armored instagram too all of the kids went private so you can't you can't hunt the children right and she really only shows up in like their wedding announcement she doesn't have a twitter right j'm like, Jesus Christ. It is so hard to investigate an old person because they don't use everything. They don't. Yeah. Yeah.

And especially if she's not a fame whore, then good luck. She's not a fame whore. She's not a fame whore. She's so obnoxious. Stupid Jill Rosenblatt Shields, whatever her name is. Yeah, so I can't tell. And I went to the Pacer site, but I couldn't figure out how to look up legal separations. Like, is that something you can look up?

So I cannot catch Bethany. Wow, yeah. I was feeling crazy. I don't have a family. I don't have someone to teach me how to investigate. I don't have people to stalk. I don't date that much, so who am I going to stalk, okay? Jill Schwartzberg-Shields, that's it.

Like, I'm homeless, and I don't have a private investigation business. Like, I can't. I found no answers. So whoever is friends with those people, please email us. Yeah. Or tweet us at WhatCrapHands. Give us the dirt. Tell me what the hell.

When did they legally separate? Because I know this bitch is lying. Also, I know I've just talked a lot, but I also want to tell you, on Watch What Happens, Bethany was on there, and I didn't watch the whole thing. Because why would you? Michael Rapoport was on there i was watching little clips well because today everybody was like bethany's literally insane you have to watch okay the show which i didn't so michael rapaport is allowed to ask her whatever he wants and he says so what's up with that phone call when was that planned he says it a lot which phone call more nicely than me

the phone call that bethany made last week to the daughter of the. Oh, yeah. Oh, really? You want to keep talking? Literally? I'll call the daughter right now. Does anyone in your family think that I cheated with your father? She's like, no, we love you.

You are amazing. I remember when you came to the back door. Yeah. When my dad had back issues or whatever. He said, when did that. When were you inspired to do that? She's like, literally in the moment of. Like, it just happened right then. Like, literally, seriously, it was

just right then. Okay? Like, right then. Lies. Lies. Lies, Ben. Lies. Lies. Lies, Anne. Lies, Manelli. Lineny. Lineny. Bethany Lankle. Frank Lye. Lankle frank lie michael you can't even you can't even like put lie in her name hi i'm lennie lankle bethany fibco

fibbony fibbony fibbony like what is that like that's like a mashup that's be like brad angelina brangelina but like with me and a fib like i don't get like what's a fib anyway like a bib like a fashionable bib like a fib like i like honestly i don't get the brand here what am i like a couple with a lie it's crazy i don't have a family like if i was gonna lie i'll tell you like honestly i'm very honest about lying well speaking about the family thing then you know andy starts asking bethany all these random questions about stuff that didn't even happen on the show so it's basically stuff from like their last email conversation she's like so um you don't have a relationship with your mom but you recently talked to your mom you're gonna introduce your

brin to your your mom she's and then she's like well you know brin she asked like do you have a mommy and daddy and i was like well my my dad has died you know but like uh i do have a mom and i haven't spoken to him 50 years and you know like no it's very hard but like what am i gonna do not take brin i mean like literally kill me now like it's about the walls up like honestly i can't like literally i'm bleeding everywhere like honestly i can't like this brin just go to florida and i'll just see you in 15 years like i can't her she hasn't talked to her mom because they hate each other okay and her mom goes in like people magazine she's like hey i got some scoop for you people bethany's a like she's a lying little liar Yeah

Nice mom okay So basically Bethany called her mom to be like Why are you talking to people? Like what the hell? Yeah What is this? What's going on? What am I not allowed to talk to people

Just because you don't like me anymore Bethany? Like why'd you never tell me What the word hysterectomy means? Like I don't know what these words are about I don't get it I don't have a mom to tell me like medical things Like honestly like my walls up Like literally tell me now

Bethany basically called to threaten to murder her mother as she opened her goddamn mouth again she's like all right well come to florida with my granddaughter listen i'm the only frankel mother around here okay like what you're doing that's a cheater brand okay like i'm the i'm the skinny girl mom okay um but then there was like the same in like oh bethany like going back to her original apartment with jason hoppy and then we saw like iphone video of her just like bawling. Bethany the victim. I love that.

They're like, well, Bethany seemed like she's enjoyed tormenting her ex-husband throughout their divorce. But really, she has feelings. And, you know, she walked into that apartment to get it ready to sell. All right, assistant. All right. Hey there. What's the matter? What's the matter? It's like, hey, what what's the matter what's the matter it's like hey what's the matter press record okay you ready what's the matter what's going on like she's having some assistant follow her around her apartment sobbing

bethany really like draw a line it's like a weird thing to have someone to shoot an iphone video of you walking around an apartment like like like what like i don't get it like i don't get your brand bethany like i like why does that have to be recorded unless you have like an ulterior like something that you want want to gain from it she's got to squeeze every bit of sympathy she can out even if they're not shooting yeah she's like i'm gonna start run over by a car i'm gonna cry all right what's the matter press record hey what's the, what's the matter? What's the matter? Go tell us what's going on.

Okay, we got to edit something on Final Cut. Okay. I want a different angle. Yeah, what's going on? Hey, what's going on? You do another, you do a close-up. What's the matter? You do a wide shot, okay?

What's going on? What's the matter? What's going on? What's the matter? What's going on? What's the matter? What's going on? What's the matter? What's going on?

What's the matter? For those of you who don't know what that is, that's when Bethany walks into her office and she doesn't even say hi. She's just like, what's going on? What's the matter? What's the matter? What's the matter for those of you who don't know what that is that's when bethany walks into our office and she doesn't even say hi she's just like what's going on what's the matter what's going on what's the matter so those are her assistants yeah we just had that's the name of her assistants what's the matter i felt like throwing up it was such a disgusting memory so but so here's here's what i um here's what i'd like because at this point it's just like yada yada yada it's just like yada, yada, yada. It's just like nothingness about Bethany. And so then we're talking about the man.

And it's like, so Bethany, what did your man think about how crazy you were acting in the Berkshires? He's a muse by it. He's a muse by it. Then Luann. Finally, we're like, now this gets good. Luann's like, well, I'm glad he's a muse that you go around calling me names. Well, he wasn't specifically amused at me calling you a whore. You know, it's like one of many things he liked.

You know, like it was that. It was the watermelon party. I mean, what do you want? He was amused by it all. I'm glad he likes watermelons. No one asked me if I like watermelons. No one seems to care that I was eating watermelon with Tommy Toon just the other night. But why would anyone care about that? These women are so squawky over each other it was cracking me up i had to keep like pressing replay just to hear trying here between the squawks and when bethany

was still crying they're all like oh but maybe you were thinking you know they were all telling you like maybe here's what maybe here's why you were crying and during the goes well, maybe I was just putting a period at the end of it. And I was like, please don't say period around Bethany. That's all we need. We don't need to lead into that again. Let me tell you something. You put in a period at the end of the sentence, but it was a run-on sentence. And I stand by that.

I stand by that. That's what Dorinda was saying all episode. Someone would be like, would you like a Pepsi? Or I would like a Coke. And you know what? I stand by that, Andy. I stand by that. I stand by that.

And you know who doesn't stand? People who want drugs right now. I'm standing up to it because I don't need to sit down because I'm not on drugs. Because I have a daughter. And I stand by that. I do have a daughter. So then we got to the Jules segment, which was pretty gut-wrenching i thought this was i think it was when you look at jewels's time on the show edited together it's very very sad

you know if jules wasn't such an asshole i could feel things for her i know that jules look i even like jules by this point yeah i'm a sucker for the person who's getting beat up yeah i don't care who it is like they they could take the biggest bill if everyone's mean to nini like to me she's like the meanest cow on tv yeah if everyone's mean to her i'll be like oh i'm on her side you know i will always pick that one and so i like jewels because of that just because people have beat her up but let's not forget that jewels is an asshole okay her first scenes are about how she can't live but i have to do so much with my two nannies and then and she has someone which betany was pretty succinct in calling her out on later. All of my grievances.

I was like, wow, she could do this in five seconds. Her podcast would be like five minutes. Yeah. Bethany. But when Bethany said it, we'll get to it. I have some thoughts about the way that Bethany phrased that all. But yeah, but Jules is an asshole but then i don't know when you see that she basically uh has a massive eating disorder and a terrible

marriage and everything's falling apart and you know and she's thrown into the lion's den with these women and she's trying to keep up and it makes me think that like half the asshole things she says she's just trying to be kind of like hilarious and fabulous and it's just like this very sad fragile woman who should be somewhere safer than this reunion at this moment yeah those they're just kind of falling on their face like the jokes that she's making yeah it just makes you feel like you're either an asshole or you're sad you can't just be a sad asshole like that's not fun for anybody okay yeah i can't hate you and feel sorry for you it doesn't work like that like who feels sorry for hitler nobody no hitler just needs to kill the jews and stay in his lane he can't feel like killing jews and then like

sending people cards or being like well my feelings no hitler no yeah stay in your lane if you're gonna be a fascist you gotta just stick to the fascism you can't like try to be people's favorite um very very uh you know it's a it's an interesting choice of a metaphor when talking with jules we compare everybody to hitler so like i think we've compared everybody to hitler i would be open to a pull pot reference every now and then you know i'm not intelligent enough to pull that off i don't know what he's done he killed a lot of people too to me that sounds like a really long pot a pull pot a pull pot yeah and the pull flag on the pull fly what was the name of the guy from serbia from the 90s milosevic whatever i feel you know i feel bad for him he was terrible also and and he just does not get put up there with it with the great awful

fascist and he had an eating disorder did he did he yeah he ate i mean it's also an eating disorder when you binge eat wasn't he really fat i think he was just generally just out of shape i don't think he was i don't think he was like enormously he was pretty fat i mean i remember yeah i think that's probably the least of his problems like hugo chavez i was always like oh my god he's just being mean because he's trying to protect himself because he's so fat. Like he's hurting on the inside. Yeah. That's an eating disorder too, okay, you guys?

Don't take away my victimhood. He ate too much Captain Crunch. I'm projecting like way too much. He loved Domino's. So speaking of tyrants, we then go back to Andy Cohen and he's basically saying, he's talking to Jules. He's like, Jules, why would you go on this show if you had marital problems? As if the producers weren't saying, oh, we have to see your marital problems. That's really your journey. It makes you so real and relatable.

As if they weren't just talking up her ear. And Jules is like, well, you don't know. For 10 years, my marriage wasn't like that. For the last year, it was bad. Yada, yada, yada. And then Bethany chimes in in biggest yenta of all she's like well you know i had a friend who uh who heard that like jules had a prenup and you know just went on the show to get a divorce that's what i heard that's all that that's just basically what i heard

and i'm like you know if if someone said that shit to bethany like well bethany i heard that you were doing this because you want this she would just just bite your head off. Oh, yeah. But Bethany's a big yenta, just like Miss Jill Zarin, I'd like to add. Oh, Snapple. Yeah, I mean, that's a— Zarin-flavored. I mean, and then Bethany did the classic thing, you know, because then Dorinda's like, you know what? Stay out of it.

Stay the hell out of it. She's like, what? I was going to ask the question. I was just responding to the question, which is like a classic, like, that's like a NeNe Leakes Kenya Moore movie, you know? What, I should stay out of it? I should stay out of it? What?

I should stay out of it? Like, I should stay out of it? Yeah, stay out of it, Bethany. And everybody was kind of teaming up on that other couch against Bethany, which was very nice to see. It was nice to see, because I did think that Bethany, she was talking about things. You know, for someone who was so concerned about getting the bartender's facial hair right before talking to Luann, she certainly she certainly seemed pretty happy hurling out the allegations against poor jewels yeah she had no problem with even though she's probably right well they all are they're all hypocrites that's why i love this show because you can't really you can't ever be right in fighting in somebody's favor

because right they're all gonna fuck you over sooner they're all wrong on this show they are all wrong and i love it and then this is when Jules started talking more about her eating disorder. I was going to die. This is what makes me nuts about Jules. This kind of stuff. It was so hard having an eating disorder. Blah, blah, blah. And Andy's like, well, what about when Bethany was mean to you about it?

And she's like, no, Bethany, we went to lunch and we talked about it. And Bethanyany i was actually fine with it's when you questioned me at dinner right after she cooked like her fork in the calzone or whatever and carol's like that might be a sign that you either hate silverware or refuse to eat and carol's like you're mad at me you're mad at me for trying to have you help tens of thousands of people? She came ready. And Jules was like, I was gonna die. Okay?

I just gotten out of the hospital. My coochie. Can I say coochie? My coochie. My coochie hurts so bad. I know. It's like, stop making it sound like you just got out of the hospital for, like, terminal cancer, okay? You cut your coochie on a windowsill.

Doing who knows what. And you should be so happy Andy did not question you about that. Like, what were you, like, why were you straddling a windowsill in the first place, lady? Well, thankfully, Andy's a gay man, and he's probably really sick of hearing about bleeding vaginas by now, too. He's like, enough. Okay, even I've had enough of this. Can we talk about someone's implants? Yeah.

So then Bethany was denied that she was gossiping about Jules' eating disorder in a relationship. But then everyone was like, no, you did. And basically, was this at the part where it didn't? Dorinda was like, you talked about it here, you talked about this. She listed, like, every single instance where Bethany had gossip. Yeah, Dorinda was very good oh dorinda also said you're doing great no that's carol i'm sorry dorinda's like you're doing great jules look you gained a little weight i was like oh my god what are you trying to do don't say that to someone with an eating

disorder who does that i know i actually felt bad for jules because i think she looked very sad i think she everything about her body language the way she talked she looked like a defeated woman which is probably why she was so quiet the entire arena but she was just sort of sitting there you could just see her entire world has fallen apart and and uh i i feel bad for i feel bad for the for the for the young lady well she got fired you know that right did you read that no she's not coming back next season well she's saying she quit, of course. When did this happen? Is this today?

I quit. No, it's a few days ago. It's kind of old. Sorry. I was going to bring it up on the Tune In Gossip show, but we were talking too much about Bethany, and I have short-term memory loss. Sorry. I almost died. Oh, my God.

I have to pull this up because now I'm fascinated. No, it's true. There's really no information. She's concentrating on her family. up because now i'm fascinated no it's true there's really no information it's just she's it's she's concentrating on her family usually that's what politicians say after they get caught getting blow jobs under the bathroom stall or whatever but you know for a real housewife it means you got fired bitch well she i mean it was the show was not like this was not a show for her you know she's it was too big for her um and there was just no way that she was going to get back.

Yeah. You know, I'm not a huge Jules fan, but I wish she came back just because she has no problem yelling at Bethany. Although she does scare me because she's such a fragile, weak person. Yeah, I feel like she's going to get broken. Yeah. I don't want her to do something bad. I mean, her vagina barely survived the show. How could the rest of her body in season two?

They're like, look, this housewife can't even climb through a window she literally can't come through a window her idea of a practical joke is putting a fork in a calzone like it's just not work we can't ensure a housewife that tries to choke people with forks yeah so um so then there was talk about uh bethany and carol being mean girls like why did they run out of that brunch and um you know i loved how uh bethany was saying well you know we didn't want to be there we're just being honest we're being honest i'm like you can't couch this all under the guise of just being honest people you're being mean bitches yeah especially when other people are honest and she goes crazy yeah like you're still technically married and so is that guy yeah sorry and then they get all mad because jules made some jokes

about menopause or like either them being older you know yeah bethany was like yeah well i only said that too because you were making old lady jokes remember that you were making old lady jokes and dorinda goes yeah but she's she's like what five she's literally like 40 years younger than us like how old are you 50 hey carol how old are you 53 it's like oh man dorinda is really whipping out the knives exactly i mean it's like it's like you know what carol if you don't want people to make fun of your age don't wear a miss Miss Havisham dress, okay? It's really that simple, okay? Try to come out of the little house in the prairie, and then people will think you're from this century. I'm 34.

How dare you? I was trying to do dyslexia, but I couldn't do it backwards. What is wrong with me? 53? Yeah. I was 35. She's dyslexia but i couldn't i couldn't do it backwards what is wrong with me 53 yeah i was 35 she's dyslexic uh but what i loved is um that they were busting bethany on her inability to take a joke about the fact that like last year you know when people were people were saying you know bethany keeps talking about how you're homeless and they're like real homeless people and she's like you know it's a joke it's a joke and now

it's like it's like oh you can't take a joke about menopause now but you can take it but like all of a sudden it's okay for you to joke about you know homeless people and bethany had really no good answer for that she's like listen if it lands then it's a joke if it doesn't land it's not then it's not a joke like who said yours landed in the first place bitch yeah but they're all such hypocrites because in this one it was the fight with jules and jules like can't you take a joke bethany i mean can't you take a joke when does it end it's like what what what what what when i said eat a california roll like that wasn't a joke she's like that was my eating disorder it's totally different

like it's really not it's like if you put stuff out there yeah for everybody to discuss and people are joking i mean look bethany's an asshole i can't stick up for bethany but jules is also she can't say one thing is a joke and then the minute yeah the next minute say oh i agree hurt me i agree because if the joke is really intended to like hurt someone which is what all these jokes are like whether you're saying bethany is old hitting menopause or jules needs to eat a california roll or whatever then yeah those are like nasty jokes um but i will say i think a menopause joke is less offensive to than a joke about someone's eating disorder when they're literally skin and bones and about to like crumble up on the floor like dry bones and super mario brothers 3 you know oh my god

you know what i'm talking about it's also it's good i mean she's gonna come back she'll never die two seconds later like 30 seconds later if she's the dry bones i feel like ramona's probably boo you know like you turn your back and all of a sudden it's like and andy's just the fireballs that keep coming but make no sense. Where's that even coming from? It's not even a real direction. What was I going to say? Oh, yeah. That's all.

Jill. Jill. Jules. Damn you for saying Jill Zarin before. Sorry. Jill's such a bitch. She's not even in this. Yeah.

Jules did that thing that all younger housewives do. Whenever they're backed into a corner in a fight because they can't fight with people 30 years older than them it just doesn't make sense okay we've all tried it we've all been there but they all they all rely on that well you're old yeah like being young is something that you won yeah you're gonna be old too bitch i agree but i think though um you know if if someone if you have an eating disorder and someone is making snide little jokes, and you're like, fine, I'm going to hit below the belt too. The difference is, here's the thing. With menopause, it's an inevitability and everyone goes through it. An eating disorder is something that you're afflicted with.

So making someone for going through menopause is snide also also but i don't think it's as de classe okay as i mean someone for an eating disorder does that make sense yeah but most of the jokes that she was mad about were thing or that dorinda listed at least were about the husband cheating yeah and then when they kept showing clips about because she was saying things like gosh yeah she's that guy like an atm machine yeah well of course duh yeah this is a real housewife show and i do think that jules was a little oversensitive about some bethany's remarks i'm not giving jules a total path pass there i'm not giving her a path i'm not giving you a path but now so here's what i thought was interesting so at one point bethany

said this gets back to what we're just alluding to um you know jules you gave you gave a bad representation representation of jews you know and she jewels you gave you gave a bad representation representation of jews you know and she the reason why i was a bad representative bad representation of jews she said was because there was talk about like the expensive potty training waiting in line for that like having someone wait in line for her that's at that sale um some other things and i actually thought and i'm not trying to be like pc please but i actually thought that spoke worse of bethany than it did of jewels because all her examples when those things happen on the show i wasn't thinking oh like i'm embarrassed as a jew it's like another like obnoxious i was thinking

like oh she's just like a daffy asshole from the upper east side that made manhattan like rich manhattan women who marry for, made them look like assholes. So the fact though that Bethany saw it as like, oh, it's just like, you know, living up to all these Jewish stereotypes. I was like, actually, that just reveals that you have these stereotypes. Like when you see this, you think,

you're thinking like, oh, Jews. So I was like, actually, Bethany, right now you're being more offensive to me as a Jew. Not that I was really offended, but the fact that she was trying to make um jewels feel like she was representing jews improperly but like no you just are like no one was offended about poly shore you know what i mean like you need some precedent is he jewish isn't he i don't know he is right how dare you mention his name in the

area he is right poly is on top of it. Oh, yeah, Maria. I like that. She's going to the Jewish almanac. Oh, Maria, we can ask you to Google stuff? Yeah. Oh, my God, Maria, watch out. You never should have done that. Never should have done that.

But, yeah, also, it's not making Jews look bad. It's making Jewasians look bad. Thank you. That's like a much smaller group of people to worry about protesting. Yeah. And they're too busy anyway because they're busy counting their money. What? What?

So stupid. Yeah. Thank you. It is official. Maria report. Yeah. And I like that. I like that.

Everyone could hear. Everyone could hear Maria, right? Maria, you're on the feed, right? You can say hi, Maria. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History?

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by joining Wondery Plus. get my candy crush plane um doesn't she have a lovely laugh by the way yes um anyway so uh yeah so basically jules is an asshole bethany's an asshole but i was a little bit more on jules aside than bethany's side and all the ladies went against bethany on this too they're like you can't say that you can't say you can't say that about the jews like what jules is like bethany why can't you let go like i don't rep jews right and sonny's like you can't say that about the Jews. Jules is like, Bethany, why can't you let go? I don't rep Jews, right? And Sonia's like, you can't say that. I'm like, what?

What? I can't say it? I can say whatever I want. It's my opinion. Which, of course, is always Bethany's. Yeah, exactly. But I think when people have opinions about Bethany, she is not quite as open-minded about it yeah she's bethany uh so now we move on to dorinda medler dorinda medler and just all the clips of dorinda fucking everybody's life up on

purpose but her attentions are good yeah she's a good heart she's a good heart and i stand by that you know what maya angelo said like is that different than maya angelo because you never know what these women she could be like it's a guy in my angelo he sold john a watch and he told me one lot one a lot swatches are coming back um you know by the way speaking of crime family people we should just mention that we had some, that some people tweeted at us and commented on our Facebook page that the crazy guy screaming on Real Housewives of New Jersey

this week, he is like the scion to the Columbo, the Columbo crime family. The crime syndicate. Yeah, the crime syndicate. So, sir, we are totally on your side

and we were not making fun of you at all we just we love you please don't send us a horse head he actually got sent when he was sentenced to his his time in at camps the judge was so mad that he had already been on a reality show had been in 2005 yeah apparently because he was basically banging hookers and doing all sorts of crazy stuff on the show and the judge was like you're disgusting get out of here colombo when people see colombo they want to know that the mystery is going to be solved they don't want somebody banging a hooker all right gambling out of the garage and by the way another thing i want to say is i want to apologize because on the bonus episode this week when i was doing my ellen green impersonation i pulled back for the mic but apparently i was bellowing so loudly that i just full-on blew out the this the audio levels of the of the uh

the bonus episode so i apologize for my overly aggressive ellen green impersonation yeah i was i always sing like that i was doing like this i was going up like this but my microphone was like taking it all in you need to find the pattern of your cordial idol listen i gotta find it out but you know what though i did my best because my intentions were good And I have a good heart And I stand by that I stand by that I got a good heart

My Angela one time, she told me Could you pass the dinner roll? And I said, of course And I stand by that A mean person wouldn't do that Get your own dinner roll, stupid Angela So just drop it, okay? Just drop it She likes a dinner roll stupid angelo so just drop it okay just drop it she

likes a dinner roll okay just drop it she doesn't rep all poets i like that andy was like no one ever no one ever calls you out on it like it's amazing how much shit you've caused on this show and nobody even calls you out and she's like intention and bethany's like yeah it's because she squirms out of it it's like what are you talking about yeah the biggest squirmer of all and even being in the conversation about i've got so much spit right now my cheeks from talking like dorinda just he's swallowing the spit it's like a save a squirrel saving up little spit balls in my cheek every time i know i choke on my spit all the time you do yeah all the time um but yeah bethany's the biggest meddler ever she starts way more crap than Dorinda.

But at least Dorinda's friends with the, you know, Dorinda kind of aims her cannon a little bit better, you know? Yeah, and I actually believe her when she says her intentions are good. And I do think that she thinks that she can help a situation. But I think also she's just a gossiper, too. And she just wants to talk about situations. But she somehow thinks, though, that by talking about the situation, she's going to get to a resolution. And she never does.

And she's learned that if – look, all these scenes take place at a meal of some kind, right? It's very – like 90% of a housewife takes place over lunch, dinner, a charity function where there's food. Dorinda wants other people to fight so she can just eat in peace. Yeah dorinda's someone who will actually sit down and eat a meal she's like i don't have time to fight with people you guys fight and i'll eat the shrimp scampi yeah she's like listen we got a seafood tower and someone's got to eat it and john's not here so who's gonna eat my my cake on top of hannah's cake okay ramona said you're a delusional whore that's all so bethany was mad at Dorinda because she feels like Dorinda teed up Jules

to go after Bethany, which is true. I mean, Jules, I mean, Bethany, I mean, Dorinda was like, you gotta say something to her. But I believe Dorinda was also like, listen, don't let this woman walk all over you. You have to say something, Jules,

otherwise she's just gonna destroy you. So I think that's perfectly fine. Yeah, Jules was already mad. She was just talking to dorinda as someone to vent to because she had no one else to talk to on the show at least yeah and she was telling her all this stuff and dorinda's like you gotta tell her yeah if you sit there someone like that'll just beat you down exactly and bethany is the queen of saying i told it to your face i said it to your face i said you know this i said to your face so now jules says something to her face. Why are you tearing up? Why are you doing this crazy? Shut up, Bethany. Yeah, that's a pretty consistent note. Shut up, Bethany. Shut up, Bethany. bethany and carol for for saying all sorts of mean girl stuff and then she was dorinda was really upset because after the berkshires uh bethany and carol were making jokes about how crazy bethany

was and saying how and carol was saying something about ghosts in uh the berkshire like the the ghost of richard was had possessed bethany yeah that made no sense to me i mean it was just like a joke show the clip and she's like, why is this house so negative? And Carol's saying, well, she's got all of her dead husband stuff around. You know, there's like ghosts in here and stuff. Who cares? It was not that big of a deal. It was such a non-thing.

And Dorinda was like, I went and I cried. Michael Jules, man, cried. Jules, I will not stand for this. You understand me? Don't you make another dry cleaning joke? It's like, oh, you're not talking to John, okay? Exactly. And Carol and Beth are like, it was a joke.

It was a joke. I'm like, oh, comedy's back allowed. It's back in. You're allowed to make jokes again. It's official. Rule change again. Rule change. So menopause, no.

Dorinda's dead husband, yes. Yeah. And eating disorders, yes. And Carol, at least Carol knows how to apologize. She's like, I didn't mean to. I didn't intend to offend you. And now knowing that I did, I really apologize. Glad to, Carol.

You didn't want to be my friend. You got no interest in being anybody's friend but Beckham. Yeah. And she's right. And by the way, Carol is the only one who seems to know how to apologize. Even though, I mean, the Luann situation aside carol is the only one who seems to know how to apologize even though i mean the luan situation aside she's the only one who's like i didn't mean that i'm of course i was i'm sorry no one else ever does that yeah to carol's credit yeah i agree that she's become too far but she is too far way too far and it's it's not as simple as you know in

a group of eight people you know like two like two people are going to be close and the others that's that was that's not the case you guys are it's one thing to be close it's another to be just like super clicky and mean girl and run out of brunches early yeah especially because you're like rich royalty and bethany's your friend because you're the richest most royal one yeah and then uh sonia suddenly decided to get mad i love when sonia decides to get mad she's like wait a second there's a chance for me to get outraged i'm gonna get outraged and no one pays attention to sonia no she's like she's kind of like zika in the way that zika comes out and people

are like dude we've already had bird flu ebola like you ain't gonna scare us with some zika no one even pays attention to it meanwhile zika starts killing people off here and there people are like wait maybe we should have paid attention to zika yeah exactly yeah exactly because now sonia's because now dorinda's saying like i'm i'm a mediator i like to be a mediator that's what it is and sonia's like well you certainly weren't mediating with me you know when you had when you had lunch with ramona you didn't invite ramona you didn't invite me and you just talked about me and you didn't invite me to your house and you weren't saying it for me like oh poor poor sonia getting yelled at by bethany i didn't hear that everyone's like anyway yeah she's totally right everyone's like uh-huh good point and i stand by that yeah i just said it because i have good intentions for you, Sonia.

Standby. Standby my good intentions. She's still not invited. Listen, if you want to have a sandwich at lunch, make a sandwich, okay? I can't be the one to always bring you the sandwiches. Standby. Did you notice that when Sonia was getting all outraged with Dorinda, she kept scooting away from Dorinda because she's sitting right next to Dorinda. Luann is acting like she owns the whole show. She's taking up like most of the couch just herself.

Still asking all the questions. And then there's a normal amount of room to Dorinda. And then Sonia is scooting. Poor Jules is just being pushed right off the couch. She's basically sitting on the very, very corner. Yeah, she is. She literally is. And Luann's up there. She's like,

I almost died. Luann's like, we have another question from uh janice in bridgeport connecticut she asked luann would you believe you're getting married janice i know could you believe i'm getting married we have another we have another question from janice that's what i just asked i mean i can't believe it can you believe it still luann jenny's you really get me dear luann what are you getting for your wedding married so what was ramona's evidence is this are we on yet? Not quite yet. So now we get into – It's hard reading these on an iPad mini.

What? What, son? We'll get to that. Don't worry. I wrote down Ramona's evidence, but we'll get to that shortly. It's very soon. But first we have – it's now time to talk about Luann and Tom. So we have the whole extended sequence of Luann and Tom, yada, yada, yada.

And now discussion. So now it's like, oh, Luann, you know, when you marry Tom, you realize you're going to lose the Countess title. And she's like, well, you know, yes, but, you know, Tom said to me, you realize when you marry me, you're just going to be marrying, you're going to lose your title. You're just going to be marrying a common man. And I said, Tom, there's nothing common about you. Everyone's like, mm-hmm. And the betty's like, well, yeah, except there's a lot of things in common you know get it because like we've all like you know tom's in common like got a couple of vaginas in common am i right all right like literally if you don't laugh at my joke like literally my walls are up like honestly i can't like it's mortifying like honestly like

call me skinny girl but comics like i can't of course nobody laughed except andy he's like ha good wine good wine so then ramona event you, there's more of this like general chat about Tom. And then Ramona starts talking about her dating experience with Tom. And this cracked me up because it's just like a list of restaurants in Ramona. She's like, well, okay. First thing that happened, it was a Monday. All right. I believe it was a Monday.

It was a Monday. And we met, I met Tom at Baccarat. Okay. It was Monday at Baccarat. And then the next night was at Raoul's. Okay It was Monday at Baccarat And then the next night It was at Rye Rules Okay Do you remember?

It was at Rye Rules And then it was Indochine And then Il Molino I remember it all Like Because it was Monday And then a Thursday And then a Monday again

And then a Tuesday And then a Monday And then a Thursday Do you remember that? And then a Tuesday Do you remember? She's like Oh yeah

I saw you at Indochine I saw you there I saw you there She's like But that was date number three Okay And then I got scallops At Il Molino And the scallops were delicious And I said She's like, oh yeah, I saw you at Indochine. I saw you there. I saw you there. She's like, well, that was date number three. And then I got scallops at Il Molino. And the scallops were delicious.

I said, are these diver scallops or baseball scallops? And Tom said, I don't care because I love them both. And I said, wow, we have so much in common. It's almost like we're playing a game of backgammon, which I don't know how to play. Also, Tom kept playing. Have you noticed how many games Tom has played with her? We played pool, okay? We were in a private club.

I think it was a Thursday because that was ladies' night. I'm a lady, and so I got a free cue. And I played pool, and Tom was like, whoa, you almost got a hole. And I was like, wow, that's so true. And then he took me to his house to teach me how to play backgammon. Hey, whoa, this is crazy. I'm just remembering it right now. Whoa, I remember on my first date with Tom, we went to play pool and he said, nice rack.

And I was like, Tom, that's very forward of you. And he said, no, I'm talking about the rack of pool balls. And I said, I can't do it today. And to this day, I still can't look at pool balls without thinking about my new breasts. Like, Ramona, that was two weeks ago. Tom was dating the pool balls. He told them to have a nice rack.

Well, I remember this one time when I was a little girl. I wanted to play some game. I was like, let's go play some billiards. And then Jolteon Parsons-Smith came out and said, no, you're not allowed to play billiards because you're not allowed to hang out with Bill or in his yard. I said, no, I'm playing billiards. I'm not going to Bill's yard. And she said, you shut up. And she locked me in the basement.

And to this day, I've never played billiards. Okay? I couldn't even play pool because when someone brought the white ball out and they said, oh, my God, it's the cue ball. I thought, oh, my God god it's my father that's what he used to call me before he slammed my head into a locker okay i like to play can't even play q bert thankfully tom didn't have that in his apartment which i went to and i was running back at him i was like what's this alien why is he on top of this big staircase and why is the staircase going every direction like what's wrong alien? Why is he on top of this big staircase? And why does the staircase go in every direction? Like, what's wrong with him?

Like, I don't get it. Isn't Baccarat a game? Baccarat. Isn't that like a card game in Vegas or something? Baccarat is a game. Not to be confused with the restaurant Baccarat, where Ramona had her first date with Tom at Baccarat. I wanted to live in Baccarat, but then he was like, no, we're going to live in the birth of Baccarat. It's like, we went to Baccarat.

Okay? Then we played backgammon. We went to a wonderful Chinese restaurant called we played backgammon we went to a wonderful chinese restaurant called mahjong it was delicious and then in the morning we didn't want to eat eggs so we ordered dominoes and tom was like normally i would order uno but i was like, normally I would order Uno. But I was like, no, Domino's works. Such a gentleman. Stupid Romano. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

But sorry is my favorite game. Sorry. I'm sorry. It's the Ramona game. No one's going to ever be able to unlock new toys. It's the name. Sorry. Okay.

I found a new game for you, Luan It's called Settlers Okay I found one for you I found one for you, Durinda It's called Trouble Trouble Good intentions

I want to play the game Good Intentions It's not a game I want to play the game Maya Angelou once told me this And then you fill in a blank It's like apples to play the game Maya Angelou once told me this. And then you fill in the blank. It's like apples to apples. Maya to Maya. Maya to Maya. Angelou to Angelou.

Maya to Maya. So Ramona was being. Okay, now it's Ramona's evidence. So this was being hilarious. This was being hilarious. This was hilarious because Ramona. Ramona does this multiple times throughout the reunion and twice during this episode where she's like, oh, really? Okay.

And she whips out her evidence, which is it looked to me I was checking on a potato in the oven. So I'm very sorry. And it happened right after commercial. So the commercial ended and I was like, oh, my potato's almost done. And I closed the oven door and I was like, I it how could you say that about jules that's so mean checking on a potato in the oven i almost died bethany how could you bethany why are you making jokes about potatoes when you know i have trouble eating i don't worry you look like you've gained weight okay so uh it looked like when i snapped my head back to the tv to catch all the action it looked like the close-up of a thumb like a thumb

like a wrinkled thumb what was it basically somewhat like tom according to the photo assuming it was not foraged um it was a picture of ramona's palm and tom had written rs plus td um and then put it in a heart like old fat like you know like a crush on the inside of her palm yeah and then she goes yeah it was on their date and she's like she's like here's my evidence look look see he was trying to woo me he was trying to woo me only a slut like tom would put that on the most temporary place ever it's like it sweats off in two minutes it's gone yeah tom would never put that on a tree but i love how this was like her flaming gun this picture that she had kept all this time argus and tom d together forever we didn't have a tree to etch it into so we just put it on my palm it's pretty much the same thing

at the palms at the palm in las vegas yeah we did it las vegas you know you would have thought it was at baccarat or in lino but no it's at the palms um ramona's evidence. Okay, here we are. Luann just kept going. Delusional. Yes. Luann kept saying it through everything. Oh, she's delusional. Oh, she's delusional.

Delusional. Delusional. Delusional. Should we get this delusional one? It's like a horse, you know. Patricia from Poughkeepsie wants to know, Luann, what is Ramona? Delusional. Thank you.

Getting married. If they were smart, they would have said, you can't spell delusional without Lou. But no one thought of that. I thought of it. Oh, that's good. That's a good one. That's a good one. So then there was this crazy annoying thing about lying. It went on for like five minutes about life squawking

that's how i was everyone talking because basically okay so now it was like okay how many dates did they go on since ramona first says seven and then diane goes to five and it's six but then but then louis said oh they had only gone on one day and then she's like well they went i said they went on some dates and then tom had said in an interview, I'd only gone on a few dates. It was only group setting. It was one date. The number kept going up and down. Isn't that when Ramona pulled out her other evidence?

She's like, oh, really? Okay. And then she whips behind the couch and brings out printed out pages from Radar Online, which these bitches are always saying you can't trust that. And they're complete liars and this and that. But whenever they need evidence, what do they pull out yeah yeah exactly it was i mean it was pretty strong because because i mean that was actually the printouts were later in the episode because this was sort of like it was going on pretty much till the end of the episode but she was like see it was in it was on radar online you see and lou's like well i'm sorry that i don't read radar online

i mean you know i've got to got Tommy Toon shows to go to. That's not Radar Online. That's on a paper. What is it, Radar on paper? Because that's not a thing, Ramona. Delusional. Delusional. You think the military could use this radar?

I mean, excuse me, it's a printout. And then she's like, but then Ramona's like, no, you're the one who showed me this link in the first place. Well, I had forgotten. No, you're the one who said Tom planted it himself. I mean, I don't remember. And so, I mean mean ramona did kind of get luann with those printouts but to me it was also stupid because basically you know it's one of those things it's like it was all semantics right it's like these are like word plays like you know she said you know it's like oh they went on like one date you know like i would say if you went on like three days

with someone three years ago and then you made it then you made a joke about, oh, I knew that guy. I went on a date with him. You wouldn't say I was dating because he went on three dates with someone. People are allowed to over-minimize and over-exaggerate. And they date you both. Yeah, the point is it was just like a blip. It was like a little romantic blip. Well, we've already confirmed that Luann knows he's a whore and doesn't care.

So that's like Luann just keeps blatantly lying and she keeps trying to minimize everything else. And I've been on everyone else's side, just especially Sonia, because when we get to the Sonia thing and Andy's like, well, Sonia, what about how is it that you're best friends with luann but then she's dating this guy and then that's when ramona's like yeah and then what oh no bethany was like oh what you're like sleeping in the same house you come home you don't even mention that you you just banged some guy that sonia was like you know had this 10 year thing with yeah and they start going and then we find out that sonia after she finally gets questioned flat out how many times did you bone tom it's like well we were friends and the blah blah blah and carol's like more than 15 less than 15 and she's like well okay five five times in a decade i somehow i missed that

only five times she said five times in a decade so she somehow missed that. Only five times? She said five times in a decade. So she's obviously blowing it way out of proportion, too. Yeah, she is. But she's also been, the women have been in her head. And she's said, yeah. He's like, why are you suddenly mad? And she's like, well, because when we were on the yacht and then Carol told me, fuck buddy is a male term. You're lovers.

Then it really hit me. We're lovers. Oh, my God. is a male term you're lovers then it really hit me we're lovers oh my god that's a great way to realize your epic love affair and then and first i just thought it was some guy scribbling stuff down then i saw that there was a movie called the notebook and i was like oh my god this is the one um you know uh but i just love you know luanne she's just taking her party line and she's not taking she's like why would tom have to lie he's not lying there wasn't a lie like well it was he slept with her he went on like four dates with her and then he's saying he only went on one date so that's a lie i mean that's not a lie yeah just like i'm just gonna deny it like why not and then eventually she's like listen i'm engaged this man i'm gonna marry him so just

back off he's a slut and i'm a slut what are you gonna do we all know girls girls i'm not i'm no princess innocent let's see and say princess because she wouldn't do that in front of carol yeah yeah she was like i'm not he's a playboy like i have a bad past we all know about that i mean slutty mixages i mean i slept with with a Johnny Depp lookalike in the Caribbean. I mean, what do you want? After he'd fucked Sonya in the butt. Let's not forget that because Luann has done this to Sonya before. No, wait.

Who did it first? Didn't they do that? I didn't even realize that until I said it right now. Sometimes I don't realize how intelligent I am until we're sitting at Baccarat. Listen, you know what? It all comes back to the fact johnny who fucked him first because remember sonia was getting it up the butt in the green room and then luann was that johnny the next night yeah it was the same guy same guy oh he came back so he fucked sonia in the green room one night and then he came and he got caught fucking

luann the next day man luann you do have a pattern of taking dick. She's a dick stealer. But at that time, it was branded as sloppy thirds. You know, it's funny because when someone doesn't want it, then it becomes sloppy thirds. But when they do like, oh, then it's like, oh, man. So it's like, whatever. But I love when Sonya was being like, I was just sad.

And Luann's like, pfft. And Ramona goes, don't laugh. It's not funny. Okay? It's day class sex. Don't laugh. Weird. This is the part where Carol started being like, well, blah, blah, blah.

And Ramona's like, wait, let us speak. Okay, Carol? Yes. Let us speak. And Ramona's like, well, anyway. Yeah, well, here's what I say. We're talking online, okay? Back around.

Pool. So then I love that. So then when Sonya was saying like, listen, all I wanted was, you know, that for like, you know, when our great epic love affair was over, that time would just take me to coffee and, you know, say, listen, I'm moving on. And I don't know if you saw it, but on Luanne's side of the couch, Luanne sitting there and she just her eyes went wide and she just she just went like this you can't see it but i'm doing it to ronnie yeah like who is this crazy narwhal over there delusional this delusional narwhal can you believe i'm getting married to someone non-delusional um but then but the funny thing i mean luann chic is so like her worst enemy because all she had to do all this time was be like you know what i understand you know you had a relationship with tom and i'm i'm sorry you know it's i understand it's sad

but like they have to like break like you know she she refuses to refuse to everyone gets mad and then the best part about luann is that she suddenly has a moment when she breaks and and he's like well weren't you sad and she's like of course i was sad it's very sad i was very She refuses to refuse to. Everyone gets mad. And then the best part about Luanne is that she suddenly has a moment when she breaks. And Andy's like, well, weren't you sad? And she's like, of course I was sad. I was very sad. I was very sad for Sonia. I want Sonia to find someone.

And Sonia's like, oh! That's all I wanted! Hugs! But Luanne also does that every reunion. She is obstinate about some stupid point, some stupid point. And then out of nowhere, she's like, well, no, I felt terrible. No, that's not what I wanted. I'm just sad. Like, Luanneann you could have just said that all along i did like when she's like well sonia doesn't even remember the half the time going home how's she gonna remember who

she went home with i thought this these people like luann is excusing tom for being so wasted he didn't even remember making out with so andand-so you know so stupid so then there was discussion of girl code did luann did was this stupid question was stupid stupid shut up shut up um you know like luann released a song about girl code and wasn't this just a huge violation of girl code and luann's like well you know i didn't tell anyone at first because i wasn't sure if it was real and i wanted to make sure it was real before i let anyone know so that's when carol's like i did the same thing about adam and goes way and goes from just being just explaining she just turns to carol and goes what are you babbling about over there

thank god i was just saying you did the same thing shut up carol quiet rads of all right carol listen babbling brooke over there it's like the hudson river what was carol's point she's like you were doing the same thing because when they were saying uh these people are saying i don't even know no oh no she wouldn't bring him on camera no no she was saying no because carol actually had a perfectly good point which was that she didn't go around telling anyone about adam at first because she wanted to make sure it was real. Like, what's the point of telling people if it's not real?

She wanted to make sure there was something legit going on there. And Luann had come down so hard on her. And we always agreed that Luann was on the wrong side of this whole Adam fight. But Luann came down so hard. Why would you tell me? I mean, it's my servant for crying out loud. But then, so Carol was like, well, you know, you came down so hard. What are you babbling about over there? It better be me getting married tom wasn't one of your employees next you weren't paying tom by the hour to fuck three of us at the same time all right

ramsaville tom doesn't wear clothes from a uniform truck am i right um sonia tells this story she's like all i wanted like i when i went up on that yacht because andy will not let this go he's like remember on the yacht how awkward it was like they showed the clip 20 minutes ago yeah and she's like well i didn't want it to be awkward i just went right up to tom and i said i'm so happy for you and the van because i just want them to be happy and then he's the one who got so awkward and then i saw him you know in private like it i always want to call it beau champ oh boutique she calls it she's a beauty yeah she's like i saw him at boutique not baccarat boutique privately oh sorry you're doing sonia and i

went up to him and i said hi tom and he said we only had one night i was like i'm just saying hi and one night tom one night and then he told me well this is gonna become a problem between the three of us if you don't say one night and we would like you to come to the wedding so basically he's threatening me that i can't come to the wedding unless i go with his story i'm a truth teller you know he sounds like a real jerk by the way this is the second time you've heard a story of him making an ultimatum fucking housewife yeah and he's using this wedding against people like anyone really wants to go like princess di came back to life and she's getting remarried to somebody bitch who you think you are you're not even a real dagostino okay exactly you're like not supermarket royalty yeah you're like a regular ralph so then okay ralph's and then i love again

ramona i don't even know why ramona's she's just in it again talking about like like why would you not tell us that and then ramona starts going what if i was doing him what if i was doing him i could have been doing him okay i was i could have been doing him all over in the back room of baccarat in the back room il molino in the back room of indochat in the back room of ilmo lino in the back room of indochine in the back room of any place really okay aoe okay you know he was writing on my he was writing on my hand i could have been connecting four what if i would just what if i went to chipriani's and said let's do it somewhere in the back room of chipriani's and it turns out he was dating you lou how would i feel about that lou okay what if I showed up to play backgammon and no one showed up to play with me because he was out on a date with you?

How did that make me feel? Okay? At least you didn't hear about it on page six. Like, I had to. Hey! This show is fucking crazy. I forgot about that. Oh, my God.

We have so many inside jokes with this show that I can't even keep up with them. That's my favorite of the year, Ramona. that was my favorite episode of ramona just losing it even though she wasn't losing it all like she didn't even care how do you think i felt when i was in her face jerking back that squinty thing she does with her eyes jean wilder died jean wilder died well that reminds me of when my marriage died with mar. And how do you think that made me feel when I had to read about that in page six? Okay? Gene Wilder. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was Mario's favorite movie.

And I found out his favorite movie star died in page six. Okay? Okay? Like, I'm sorry. I know that Willy Wonka has a glass elevator. But we have a non-glass elevator. And every time I go up it, I remember going up it with Mario. Okay? So I'm sorry. I know that Willy Wonka has a glass elevator, but we have a non-glass elevator. And every time I go up it, I remember going up it with Mario. Okay.

So I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Okay. Okay. And that brings us to the end of Reunion Part 2. Now on to the Real Housewives of Melbourne. Yes.

I thought you were going to say more. No, that was pretty much it. We're about to go to Dubois. Dubois. Dubois. What a town. And Chica is at home with Chissy. Chissy.

Chissy. This is the part I like, picking out clothes to go up to. With her little sideways smile. I can't do this stuff with you on the internet when we're not seeing each other. I know. Chissy. Little sideways smile. Chissy.

Chissy. Chissy. She's like, oh mom, is that ridiculous? We were saying Connect Four, like I brought up Connect Four earlier when we were ranting about games.

She was wearing a Connect Four dress. I didn't notice. It was just all holes. Chica, Chica. Yeah. Chica, Chica. Just wait there

and I can buy you a couple burkas. You'll be fine. Yeah. Keep packing. So as you may remember chica is the one who is quote-unquote organizing this trip even though we know it's the producers but she's organizing it she's the one who invited everyone to dubai but don't tell

lydia that because lydia is really yearning to take credit for this entire trip she's like i've been going to dubai for 45 years at this point i was there when it was just sand you know it's like a second home for me i mean i pretty much look arabian people think i look arabian at this point you know all i'm missing is you know one of those things that put they put over you know what they are girl the only thing you have in common with the saudi arabian woman is that people want to stone your ass okay Lydia? And I like how they're setting up the battle of the blogs. Because Chica is telling Chissy, Chissy, I'd like to put some of these things on my blog. You know, the fashions.

Maybe some of the silverwares. Tablecloths, who knows? If I see some good travertine, I think I'd like to document that. I'd really like to know what Saudi Arabia does with the little rings that hold the silverware together, Chissy. I think I might have a blog post about that. I'd really like to know what Saudi Arabia does with the little rings that hold the silverware together, Chessie. I think I might have a blog post about that. You know, if I see a good soap dish, I'll probably take a picture of that. How about that, Chessie?

On the machine, Rose. On the machine. By the way, we should mention that Dubai is in the United Arab Emirates, not Saudi Arabia. Oh, I'm so sorry. It's because we're on a Lydia paragraph. That's why.

She's like, where is it again? The United Republic of Britain? Dubai's my favorite city. I mean, the way the sand goes through it and the Eiffel Tower and Big Ben. It's just a beautiful city. I have big in my notes. I look Arabian. Yeah.

I have Saudi Arabia in my head. Sorry, everybody. All right. big in my notes i look arabian yeah i have saudi arabia in my head sorry everybody all right so then they all fly to dubai and they get there they're in the same resort as beverly hills when we're in it's like the um what do they call dubai's got a really good tourist center guy i'm assuming he's some gay guy who works in the tourist center there because he's like we call housewife you go all the real housewife i want them all here in this hotel are you allowed to be gay in dubai i feel like you're not no but you're barely allowed to be a woman either so but you're allowed to invite the real housewives it's like all it's all roped off yeah you know it's like i can be a tacky gay

or a woman right within this section okay i feel like if you're gay in dubai you still have to go through the old like code system you know like bandanas and stuff except instead of bandanas it's like which housewife do you invite like which color noose do you want to wear around town so um so they all arrive and then they are like they meet at by the pool area and so lydia shows up and she's wearing something where her tits are out and it was's like, oh, Lydia, Lydia. Oh, God, Lydia. And then Petaflur's like right next to her and like no one notices Petaflur because everyone's talking about Lydia's boobs. And Petaflur's like, I cannot believe that no one paid attention to me.

I mean, I was wearing a very sheer top and no one paid attention to my very sheer top. Or my little shorts. Give me some attention, girl. Like, what do I have to do here? And no one paid attention to my very sheer top. Or my little shorts. Give me some attention, girls. What do I have to do here? It hurts my feelings. What do I have to do? Like wear a giant moon that I can sit on at the same time?

I mean, what do I have to do? I like how Jackie describes it. She's like, we're all having fun. And then, uh, perifleur. How does she say it? Perifleur. Perifleur. Perifleur. Perifleur walks in and you felt the energy go boom boom she if we're gonna return to the super mario brothers 3

analogy she's basically just the music from one of those fortresses boom boom boom boom boom boom pedifluor is i want i feel like pedifluor would be one of the thwomps but that might be giner i can't tell i don't know what pediflur would be in her she's like gina what game was it super mario brothers 3 oh yeah she's just like listen here mario you better get out of that cave and then i won the game maybe hell is happening in happening in here? I think the thwomp just landed on the roof. I think Petaflur might actually just be Bowser's flames. You know when you're going through the dungeon, and all of a sudden the flames come out,

and you have to duck. You're like, oh, here come the flames again. That's Andy flying through. So Chica's sitting over there patting, and they're like,ica you okay janet wonderful chica are you all right over there i just had my feelings that i'm sitting here and nobody said nothing to me and chica's like oh i didn't even notice anything it happened all right pediflu how did your day go yeah And I love that Juno just goes, of course, like the warmest woman in the room.

She goes, did nobody say hello? Oh. Okay. They hate her so much. And rightly so. She's such an ass. And Petiflu goes, it's okay. I'm used to it.

Shut up, Petiflu. Yeah, Petiflu said something rude like, oh. I'm used to it. Shut up, Petaflur. Yeah, Petaflur said something rude like, oh, I'm doing wonderful today, Chica. Better than your lips or something. She said something bizarre. Something rude about her lips and Chica. Chica's like, well, I don't get offended because I have self-confidence. And as you'll notice in just a WordPresspress blog number 3.4 confidence is the most attractive part of a woman and that's what i would say to pediflur i'll tag her in it it's a

new invention yeah there was a weird thing where pediflur apparently is obsessed with chica's lips in some way and chica's like that's all right i have confidence so it doesn't bother me i'm like why would it but i don't understand but i didn't understand what pedoflo was saying in the first place like the only person trying to be nice to her she's like are you all right better than your lips you ugly bitch it's like geez pedoflo you can have it both ways okay so then lydia just breaks in and she's like did you know girls, that Dubai's airport is the fastest growing airport in the world? And they're like, did you Google that? Yeah.

I did. I did. I did Google it. She's trying to do sightseeing. I have a Google Glass. You know, I have a glass that says Google on it. Did you know that in dubai catches can be outside and it's just fine like we know we're on a couch lydia do you know in dubai

there are roads that can take you out of dubai yes we know that's the way roads work all right all right now chica you've been coming to dubai for about five years now and chica's chica who this is one of the first times i think we've ever seen chica get truly roughly ruffled it was so hilarious and she's like well i have been coming here for five years about 18 000 times a year for my blog and my business with brucey you know multiple times a year it's like well i've been coming here for 25 years or 26. it's not a competition lydia it's not she's like oh that's true but i won here's to it here's a toast lydia winning in dubai i know all the camels camel one camel two they're all my daughters how many times have you come here without having to get

shit on your chest for money okay let's be honest yacht girl you know i like to think they built this city just for me they're like she comes here all the time we should build some skyscrapers and that's what they did isn't that so nice it's my daughter it's my daughter city the first time i came here it was the desert there was nothing here and then a camel and I said, they made that camel for me. And I said, you know what would be funny? Would be if someone put a dolphin in Dubai. And next thing I know, dolphins everywhere. And Gina's like, I'm going to make out with that dolphin.

So yeah, so then Chico tries to do this toast. Actually, Lydia does the toast first. She's like, so a toast for the vacation that I invited you all on, but did not actually articulate and let Chica do it instead, but it's really my vacation that you're on. Cheers to my 25th, 26th anniversary of Dubai and I together. Chica's like, actually, I would like to give a toast about toasting whatever dubai all right because this is my trick it's not a competition she starts getting all pissed and it was just

so fun to watch her face and now you see why her face is like that like it's like the half smile where she's like yeah she's like talking outside of her mouth it's like a cartoon that does that i don't know who maybe from popeye yeah it's like a popeye thing but then um uh so then it's like a cartoon that does that. I don't know who. Maybe from Popeye. Yeah, it's like a Popeye thing. But then, so then it's like adventure time. Everyone goes off to do activities. I love Chica's like, you know, Dubai's just great. You know, it's like Vegas, the Middle East. There's nothing you can't do. You know, except being gay.

Or a woman. But there's nothing you can't do. Or wear sparkles. Or listen to music. I like how Chica phrases things. I've always called Dubai the the vegas of the middle east you think really i'm so glad you came up with that chica thank god you have a blog you know what i always call paris it's like the city of lights yes you've heard that before you know new york

that the best thing about new york is it's like the city that never sleeps vegas what do they call vegas the center city you. There's so much city. It's like a sin city. I always say, what happens in Las Vegas? You don't talk about it after you leave Las Vegas. Do you understand what I'm saying? Yes, Chica. Write it down, Chica.

Blog it. Whenever I come to LA, I'm like, Los Angeles. I'm like, what's your dream? Am I right? It's a whole city full of angels. That's what I say. Jackie might love it here. Jackie would probably get overloaded.

Her brain will explode with all the angels talking at her. She'd be like reverse Bom Bom. Mop mop. She'd be like Bom Bom. It's funny. We went to Los Angeles and there were so many angels Refusing to find Pedophile's son's passport A city full of angels

And no one wants To find a passport Now could you do this To me Los Angeles It's like Lucille Bluth At the Latino Like TV awards A room full of waiters

And I can't get A chicken to talk A city A city of... Never forget that Lucille Bluth was the original Heather Dubrow. Heather Dubrow and Alfredo was originally Lucille Bluth at like the

Latino TV Awards. Well, Patsy was the original Lucille Bluth. That's even truer. So, my favorite part of the episode... Oh, Snapple. My favorite part of the episode, pedophilia going down a water slide. I mean, I never thought I could be so happy with an image. Oh, going down.

I thought I could only do this with my son. At least it still ended with stuff on my face. I can't believe that no one asked me how i felt about the water slide when that poor child got decapitated no one thought about me being scared on my water slide i like that uh lydia and gina and gamble go to the sea otter place or whatever they have to take off that she's like do i gotta take off my shoes like uh yes you're gonna be in the, she's like, do I got to take off my shoes? I'm like, yes, you're going to be in the water. She's like, all right, I need a moment. She takes them off and pulls out bronzer for her feet.

She starts bronzing her feet. So good, I love her. I walked right up to that seal and said, hey, seal, get out of this pool right this instant. And you know what that seal did? He left. Because I'm fearless listen here seahorner gina starts making i'm not gina lydia starts making out with the seahorner literally kissing on the lips but not only that she was stroking the seal like on the back like you could

see her kissing instincts kicked in because as soon as she was kissing something on the lips even if it was hairy smelled like fish and haders, she immediately put her hand on his back to bring it in. It's like Shane Warren all over again. Shane Warren. I might be a flirt with sea otters, but my real hairy-backed mane is at home. That's her opening line. I may be a flirt. She's like, I may be a flirt, but home is where my heart is which doesn't totally make sense you know i don't want to brag but i recently made out with a celebrity

that's right seal the singer no you just that was just a seal are you sure because i could i could swore i just got a kiss from a rose no no that was just a seal at heidi's birth at heidi clune's birthday party she's like i'd like to give a toast to my ex-husband seal he's like excuse me this is my birthday party i had a kiss from a loose seal just to bring it back to arrested development so gina and jack and by the way i love g. She's like, Lydia would flirt with anything, it seems. Even a sea lion. I don't know why I just thought it was funny. A sea otter basically describes a person I would avoid going with.

They're hairy. They've got mustaches. And they smell funny. It's not like my partner. So then, meanwhile, Petaflur. By the way, this cast is so big that they're in three different locations at once so pedofleur janet and suzy are swimming with sharks um they're doing that thing where they're in like a tank they've got like a heavy thing on their shoulders

weighing them down so they can walk on the floor and my favorite part was pedofleur pinched janet on the butt and janet i think thought it was like a shark biting her and she does this weird little dance and makes this noise just I mean uh I mean uh Gamble's like I'm glad that they didn't make Gina go to the shark tank because Janet would have been over with the sea otters like,

well, you know that Gina would be paying attention to you, but she's upstairs watching herself on shark tank. Shark, let me tell you something, Jaws. Get out of this ocean right this instant. Impa Vito. Listen here, Jaws. You stop circling me right now. Cut to Roy Scheider on his boat talking

and all of a sudden Gina comes out of the water. That famous shot. It's like, nah, you better wait till I'm done bronzing feet, Jaws. Yeah, listen here, Jaws. You turn around and rot this instant and you go eat a gamble instead, alright? Uh, Jaws.

Jaws, I'm something of a feminist, so please read me. And then, but then the floor in the shark tank was hilarious. Yes. Like, oh, I cannot get in this water. It's too cold. They're like, this bitch is going to make them heat up the water of sharks that will die. They can't do it. So finally she gets in.

She goes, I got in the water. I was so proud of myself. Really? Congratulations. You need to up your goals. And then she's in the bottom of their stingrays. And she goes, these stingrays are antagonizing me. They didn't even comment on my bathing suit.

I'm wearing a very sheer bathing suit. These stingrays don't even say hi. They just go right to Janet and to Gamble. Are you a stingray or a sting petiflur? Hey, stingrays, nice lips on the bottom of your body. Meanwhile, she's like, you know, stingrays are what did in Steve Irwin. I'm like, well, you know, it's a good idea. Don't kick your feet at them like you know stingrays are what did in steve erwin i'm like well you know it's a good idea don't kick your feet at them like you were doing that way yes no it's a good

way to not have a stingray sting you by acting like a crazy lady i was reading for the stingray in that one yeah so jackie holds a dolphin okay so then we go over to the dolphins with jackie and i don't know whoever's left over and jackie's holding the dolphin and like kissing it and she's like chica goes do you feel an energy she's like i do i feel an energy this dolphin there's another dolphin here somewhere you see i feel it he told me you know we're very close animals animals and humans we're all the same we're all connected like could you ask it where the fucking passport is yeah i was like well i was like, well, I don't know. I'm not going to look for Petty Flo's passport, but I can tell you this dolphin's passport is back in the Atlantic Ocean.

What's that? Oh, he says, don't worry. I don't need the passport. I got a new one. He's already filed for a new one in Dubai. It's all good. Jackie. He's hungry.

You see, we're all connected. Yeah. Oh, okay. So then come, now it's time for like now it's like rival lunch times so um a bunch of people sit right by the fish tank and i was like is eileen on the other side can you see eileen somewhere through it um and i just wrote down jenna going i hear they have good chicken here Chico Chicken I have so much PTSD

From the shark tank So all the girls gather And they ask Gamble Probably Chica Because she always does stuff like this So Gamble How was your Are you still happy about your wedding?

Yeah And she's like Yes I'm still happy about my wedding I love faith and humanity I like yes i'm so happy about my wedding you know my i'd like i like by the way your transition from janet you started doing a janet voice and you transition down like she's like i've started losing faith in humanities until my wedding and my face is restored oh by the way i got it wrong this was not the rival lunches this was this is when everyone was having dinner by the fish tank yeah this is when they were at dinner

and janet isn't even bothering to try and hide it she's like so gamble are you feeling still hurt that gina ditched you to go watch yourself on the telly it's not wonderful and then uh i love that gamble tells gina she's like well obviously gina i was obsessed you weren't there the night before the wedding and gina just goes i was there but i was there well she forces her into this confrontation and gamble looks scared one of her wonky eyes like one of her wig tape things fell because her eyes raised so fast. She was like. Let me tell you something. There was a flounder in that fish tank that was looking at Gamble through the glasses going, it's my sister. Come back into the tank, Gamble.

Oh, God. So then we just get into a loud screaming match which this show does so well but what was unique about this one was that while gina was basically lecturing gamble about like if you have a if you have a problem you come see me while celebrity apprentice is on but while that while she's fighting with gamble she's randomly massaging pedoflur pediflur's like oh yes yes yes finally my sheer press works finally like you got a problem with me you put me in the firing line pediflur no you put me in the firing line gamble and i'm not impressed and then pediflur actually says something for once that's like not terribly offensive and she's like why don't you focus on the good stuff from your wedding and gamma goes oh fuck off pedoflur because pedoflur of all people focus on the

positive that's what i always say like people positively ignored me when i walked in i was positive it happened i was positive that stingray wanted to eat me asshole stingray who does this why is it that when people put in batteries they only care about the negative part? They never think about the positive part of the battery. And Janet goes, Oh, look at Petaflur talking about something other than herself.

Well done. Isn't that wonderful? Petaflur is like... She goes, Well, you know, Janet, a village is missing an idiot, so, you know, Janet, a village is missing an idiot. So, you know, go find it. She's like, well, I'm glad you put it together there finally, girl.

How wonderful for you. Janet was being an amazing bitch. It was wonderful. I write down so many lines from the show because I laugh at all of them. Gamble, I felt pushed out. In the past, we wouldn't say. Oh, yeah. So Janet's like, now, in the past, we wouldn't have seen Gamble say anything.

I'm starting to see cracks. That you caused. Yes. It's like going up to a chicken coop with a hammer and then being like, all eggs are broken. I don't know how it happened. How wonderful. Chicken.

Chicken. So then Petaflora then starts going after jackie and says i feel like you pick and choose your friendships uh i said as evidence by the birth i asked for reading and you couldn't even do the reading for the people and she's like wait no i'm like everyone else and she goes i do not have 40 minutes to wait in the line like what does she have like a little neighborhood psychic shop that there's actually lines? Because Petaflore seems to know the actual time it would take to wait in the line. It's weird.

But by the way, the best part about this episode is that the dolphin got a reading before Petaflore did. He's like, you have to wait in the line. There's three dolphins, okay? Three dolphins are having an emergency, all right? The angels have to tend to the dolphins sometimes too, you know. Shut the fuck up. Oh, look at this. Flipper's mother has found a passport.

So then, so somehow Jackie, like her response, oh, this is like, oh, I used to be a maid. Okay. I used to be a maid. So don't tell me to wait in line. I was a maid. I used to clean windows, clean toilets, occasionally kitchen counters. And you didn't, right? I remember where I came from. You don't remember where you came from.

And I can't believe Paddy didn't go into I came from the streets of India where I had nothing. I learned how to blood rich men. Okay. Instead, Lydia chimes in. She's like, she starts talking about Jackie. She's like, you know, Jackie, she was very dismissful. Very dismissful, you know, Jackie, she was very dismissful.

Very dismissful. Pity Fleur. Jackie, you're a Drano. Yeah. That's what I called you. A Drano. Because you drain things. You're a Drano.

I used to clean toilets. I understand Drano. Trust me. I thought she said Drainer, but she was saying Drainer. Drainer. It could have been Drainer or Drainer. We don't even know. I wrote Drainer, but then later on, she's like, that's why I call it Drainer.

Oh, yeah. I think. I don't know. It's the same thing in Australian. Yeah. To us, in our terrible accents, it's the exact same word. So now the next day, everyone goes shopping in Dubai. Everyone hits the mall.

We've all seen this, girls. How many times do we need to see people try and fit into bra burka is it victoria's secret yeah victoria's secret she's been hung the end so pedofleur is just trying on first of all everyone's making fun of pedofleur to her back and her front and she's taking forever she's like wearing this ridiculous oversized dress. It's very, very funny. She just keeps looking at herself in the mirror, and she's like, oh, look at you, girl. You look good, girl.

You look wonderful, girl. Everybody wants to be a part of you. Oh, who wants to give you a reading? Everybody, girl. And they're like, this crazy bitch is just talking to herself in the mirror. And then she refused to leave. She's like, oh, I'm with my best friend. Oh look at your body huh girl yeah when i'm trying to buy something i ask myself because i get an honest answer from myself yeah you do get it and over with the other ladies uh jackie jackie and janet are in whoever else, are in some shoe shop called Gina's Shoe Shop.

With Gina's actual shoes in it. But it wasn't hers. It wasn't. It was like, it was a cheetah print. It was a cheetah rip-off. Yes, a cheetah print. Gina has basically. It's all Gina.

Which, I mean, huge shoes with glitter all over them kind of all look the same. I mean, Fredericks of Hollywood or Gina's shoes. No offense. Yeah. Now listen here, C- here seora we just know that only one of them is truly fearless yeah so janet starts her don't these shoes look familiar good for gina having her own store and to buy isn't that wonderful she's such a bitch i love it yeah um and then in the other store pedofleur is in she's like wearing these

huge like oversized glasses and then just she could be i look like louis the fly and i'm going to rock it i'm like louis the fly not eddie x but i'm louis the fly i'm louis the fly i'm like i don't know who louis the fly is maybe he's like an australian cartoon but please stop saying it so gamble janet chica jackie i've lost gina to lydia they're hanging out they told me that they say that they'll do in the morning so they have this is the battling lunches yeah and they're still trying by the way they're still trying to get gamble to be mad at gina but gambleble's like, no, I don't think Gina's pushing me. I'll just say that, like, you know, Lydia's monopolizing her time, that's all. Like, no, don't be mad at Lydia.

They're like, be mad at Gina, please. No, I love when everybody hates Lydia. Yeah. No, I don't mind. I'm just saying that you can see that the women are trying to get her to turn on Gina. I know, and she won't do it. She's not stupid, okay? I mean, she is, but she's not that stupid, I guess I should say.

Meanwhile, Gina's doing her new thing is, well, you know, Petty Fleur, she's hard work. Gambles want to be hard work. These people are hard work. This is hard work. Oh, why did that waiter ask you if you wanted water? No one asked me. Petty Fleur, you're becoming hard work.

I like that. When she's like, now listen now listen here pediflur shut the fuck up yeah she tells her at lunch she literally yeah because they're talking about um jackie and uh and pediflur and lydia are saying that jackie has changed and and pediflur is like but you know what if she comes to me my tongue is like a silver sword and i'll cut her down and that's what you know just goes pediflur shut the fuck up and petaflur if you don't want to hear what i say there is the door it's like this huge arch she's like well there you go can't lock me under there it's like walk out you can still see me what point is that gonna be and then they you know they're once again they're accusing petaflur of being self-absorbed. Well, if you were me, would you be talking about yourself too? You know?

She goes, now listen here, Petaflor. It's just that with Jackie, you give her the shits. Right. Drano. Such a Drano. Lydia. She's becoming a Drano. So then they go camel riding, which Gina does not like to know goes down.

Gina is, I love that Gina. Gina gets very scared when she gets on the camel. And she's on it. She's like, I'm scared. I'm scared. I know I'm fearless, but I'm scared. You should try my new fragrance. It's called Fearless, except for camels.

Improvado. It's called Fearless, except for camels. Improvado. It's like Cameldo. I mean, it's minus the camel. No camel. I'm only afraid of two things, camels and camel cigarettes. You know what I'm saying? And Janet. I feel like Lawrence of Arabia.

Isn't that one? Oh, that's a bit old fashioned. I feel like, whatever. Isn't that one? Oh, that's a bit old-fashioned I feel like Whatever Whoever else rides camels Chicken, you ride a camel lately? Because I feel like chicken now Chicken on a camel It's like a circus

How wonderful I love a chicken on a camel It's like a far-side cartoon So after the camel ride They have their dinner i mean they really went to every spot that the house the only thing missing was somebody masturbating while eileen was getting changed it's really the only thing missing so far so basically yeah they're in the middle of the desert they're getting dinner those tents those rugs it's really beautiful

and guess who shows up two sheiks show up and it turns out to be Brucey and BJ. Oh, darling. Have we commented before how odd it is that Chica would marry a gay guy and then name her child BJ? Bruce Jr. Awkward. Awkward. No, no, no. No, Chica, no. And I love that Janet started to cry with it.

And then when BJ took off his glasses, oh, it was like seeing chicken again for the first time in four years. I'm going to not text BJ for two years just so we can feel close at the end. Because I can't cope with this beauty. So then, of course, Janet, being as peaceful as ever, it's dinner. And she's like, oh, candle, wonderful. Now, Chica, I just wanted to say congratulations on your blog. Isn't it marvelous?

Your blog, the colors, the fonts. What a wonderful template you pressed activate on. So lovely. And the choice of the plugins, beautiful choice. And then of course, Liddy is like, I have a blog as well. I was quoted. I was quoted. What was she quoted in the Daily Mail?

She's like, I was compared to Oscar the Grouch or something. And Chica was like, well, personally, I wouldn't want to be compared to her. I was like, oh, the first truly bitchy thing Chica's ever said out loud or someone. I was like, good for you. And I like someone's going for Chica. I love it. And then I love Janet being like, I do not think Lydia is writing her own blog. First of all, it's in English.

Lydia.com. The Lydia. And then she goes, I would like to say something, Lydia. I find it sad that you're all acknowledging Chica's blog. And I'm not being you, Petaflour. Okay? But I have a blog and I work on it very, very hard. And, you know, I have people who do it, you know, who work on it as well.

Everyone's like, it's not a competition. Are you competitive with me Lydia? No Because I don't even know What that word means My next post is going to be About the definition of it I learned not to be competitive

About 24 years My third time in Dubai When did you start coming here again? You know they don't even allow The internet in the hotel rooms Did you know that? I did because I've been coming here Since before the internet was invented I've been not competitive for about 20 years. How long have

you not been competitive for? I'm surprised Petaflora was like, ladies, I really would like to say something that I have been thinking about starting a blog and the fact that no one has asked me about my blog really makes me sad too, But don't worry. I'm used to it. I have a very shared blog. No one has even mentioned it. So now Susie, who's the other shitster in here. She's like, oh, that's right. I haven't been in an episode for about five weeks.

I've got to do something. It's like I better earn my cape here. I'm not going to have enough money to buy my meringues. Yeah suzy yeah she decides they get into the mix she starts telling jackie because basically jackie is wasted okay and jackie only really loses it when she's wasted when she's not she's like now listen here old ladies he's how we're gonna do it but when she's wasted she's like i can't dare you fucking crazy so suzy's kind of whispering in her ear um what was she telling her well suzy was basically like the girls say that you've changed she goes i'm upset because i was at lunch today with a girl who said that

you've changed and i don't like that she said that you've changed she's like that's right who said that i changed was it the drain upano? She's like, no, no. The idiot. Oh. So she just starts going off on Lydia, which I love. Well, you were calling me a mean girl. Well, I don't think it was as demure as that. I mean, she was basically like, do you have something to say?

Because if you have something to say, say it to my face. Blink, blink, blink, blink, blink. All right. What are you saying? Because you're saying I've changed? No. I'm just saying I still remember where I came from. I was a maid.

All right? And you were just a whore going to Dubai when it was just sand. That's all. And you forgot about that. I heard you said that I had bad energy and that I'm a mean girl. Where would you get that? Where would you get that? Say it to my face.

Say it to my face. I'm like, they've literally said this to your face, I think, 20 times. This is not some secret. Yeah, pedophiles then like, I think you're a mean girl. And then Jackie, though. Again, I will say it again to your face. You're a mean girl again. But then Jackie just goes down a list of everything that pedophiles have. You called her a black widow.

It wasn't very nice. You called her a potato sick. You didn't even say hi to the dolphins. The dolphins have, guess what? I know what the dolphins' passport is, okay? So you're the mean girl started on chica's lipstick all right um and then i like gamble she's like pedoflo isn't me she's just a bitch and then someone starts yelling friendship 101 friendship 101 and petty goes are you my friend and g goes, don't give me that bullshit.

Friendship 101. How do you make people feel? All right. It's friendship. How do you make people feel? Yeah, because at this point, everyone starts coming down on Petty Fleur and be like, all you care about is yourself. You say, you know, you don't care about anyone else. She's like, no, I care about all of you.

No one cares about me. They're like, no, you don't care about anyone. And it's like, yeah, it's so self-absorbed. Oh, I guess you're not on my side no no one is on my side is any one of you on my side tell me and they're like it's not a side pedophile we're just trying to like give you some advice i don't like no you're not on my side and janet you don't give a damn about us it's all big to me over there and then finally Pedophiles is like, I can't fucking handle this. Stop it. Stop it!

Bang, bang, bang. Starts having a fit and Gina's like, Oh, Jesus Christ. Get fucked. Get fucked. Get fucked. And next time, Gina... Snap the fuck out of it!

I love when Gina gives her friendly advice. And that ends us up from Melbourne. From Melbourne. Until next week, Melby. Until next week. But guess what? Melbourne's not totally gone because we have the new season of Below Deck and there is a new lady on it from Melbourne. Yeah, I like that they mixed up the cast on Below Deck.

Although I do miss Amyy starfish starfish but we get starfish's hot brother with the big penis so um it begins we meet a bunch of the new people there's trevor and nico trevor who looks like like a villain from an 80s movie like some some mixture of like sean penn as jeff spiccoli and the blonde guy from bill and ted's excellent adventure you know like he's just looks so 80s villain right yeah he does he has that like little upturned nose of a 50s character kind of like wally cleaver yeah and didn't wally cleaver kind of had cross eyes too cross something like that i feel like eyes i feel like he should be wearing jams and like suntan lotion on his nose he's you know what he probably at some point was one of those asshole lifeguards at the public pool who who turns the the whistle who swings the

whistle around his finger back and forth and then yells at everyone for nothing yeah you know and has like sunglasses i wanted to like him because he's cross-eyed and like little. And I was like, oh, that's nice. Like it's nice that it's not just some supermodel. Let's be nice to him. And then he's terrible. He is. Terrible. He is terrible.

So where's he from? Because he doesn't speak with an accent, but then he gets an accent sometimes. Like when he's bossing people around. He sounds very Californian to me. He sounds like he's probably from like Orange County or something. how does he get british when he's like move the move the chairs what where is that coming from because he's dumb so then so there's trevor who's uh like three feet tall then you have nico who they call freako um at first i was like but then i'm nico the freako yeah i'm nico the freako i I'm giving him an Australian accent, but he actually has like a Russian or an Eastern European accent, you know?

Nico? No, he's from Baltimore or something. No, he's from Chicago, but his accent was... Oh, but it's like a Spanish. It wasn't Spanish. It was like a, you know, when like, I'm trying to do it now, but we've been speaking Australian for so long. I'm like, you know, he speaks like this. We should.

We'll just make Nico Gina. But Nico had to sound- I know how to clean a dick, thank you very much. Yeah, he sort of sounded like he was from the Baltics or something. And then there was an Australian girl from, she sweats a lot. And then there's Emily, a little British girl, who sort of looks like Nicole from Big Brother, you know. But- But- He looks like nicole from big brother you know but he looks like nicole but maybe not that's a british girl this british girl and then there's

uh her name is emily and then there's sierra storm who describes herself as happy precocious free-spirited humble person which means asshole yeah equals. Okay. And precocious. What adult describes himself as precocious? That's the weirdest fucking thing I've ever heard. I'm already onto Ovaltine. I'm a child, but I'm a smart child. I'm like 28.

Shut up. Yeah. So by the way, so the new yacht, which is called, I forget what it's called, like Valor. It's not the Eros.

Cause that was the last one. Oh, this one's Valor. Yeah. It was beautiful. It's not the Eros because that was the last one. I think it's called Valor. Oh, this one's Valor. Yeah. It was beautiful. It was such a step up from that shitty below deck med one. I know. The Robert Goulet boat.

It was so great when Kate walked in there. She's like, oh my God, this boat is so nice. This is my style. Yeah. It's like so nice to be on a modern-ish boat. And by the way, five minutes into the show and we already had our first gratuitous shirtless shot of Kelly. So I appreciated that. Oh my oh my god yeah they brought that one back for a reason a because kelly's you know kelly like let's face it the guy's hot but he's no einstein bagel yeah

all right people and then they put him in charge which is just going to be hilarious that's right he's the bosun ben is back he's back i think ben may be our most prolific bravo character at this point i think he's on bravo for 250 days per year yeah he's on a lot of shows um so what's funny is very quickly we can tell that trevor going to be a problem because he was a bosun in a previous vote, but now he's not going to be a bosun. And we can already tell that he wants to be the boss. And in fact, he introduces himself to everyone as, hey, I'm Trevor, you know, senior deckhand. They're all like, what the fuck is that? But is he? How does that work?

Because I see everybody online making fun of him for saying that but isn't he the boss of the other two like in below deck med wasn't there uh there's no senior deckhand there's a boson so i'm trying to compare it to the last one because short-term memory right terrible but the last one was uh the lesbian girl right and danny danny and bobby bobby and bobby was the boson or he was the senior no no brian was the bosun brian was the boss oh so he's just going around giving himself authority that he doesn't really have yeah he basically anointed himself as the senior deckhand which is apparently not a title so that's what they're like how has he not been called out on that well

i mean they did sort of on the show but what was so funny is the way he literally extends his hand he's like he's he's like he's like trevor senior deckhand like oh my god that makes it worse i thought for a second that he did have he was a little bit above them like maybe he was the middle manager and then no i think that he is just i think that basically i think kelly was like well since you have a lot of experience i'm gonna lean on you a little bit more. But he doesn't have an official title. What a prick. I can't believe.

I mean, the underlings called him out. Well, they're not underlings. His peers called him out, but nobody else really did. They were like, you can't walk around giving yourself a title. That's not real. Stupid. So a bunch of provisions arrive, some of which from Liquid Yachtwear, which was obviously a sponsor. And they're like, oh, there's Liquid Yachtwear.

So wonderful. Sierra Storm is missing in action. So we know that's going to be a problem. I precociously missed my plane. What? Whoops. The captain's like, what do you mean you missed your plane? She's like, I don't know.

I just, I didn't hear it when they called for it. And he goes, really? Yeah. she's like i don't know i just i didn't hear it when they called for it and he goes really yeah she's like really it's a bad foot to start off on with first rule watch it's called a watch people all right rules second rule i walk around with a lot of cash a lot of tickets third rule some of them are raffle tickets fourth rule they have a designer set of connect four to win so you better buck up and get a raffle ticket while you can. All right. Team meeting here, guys. Here's what I got to say to you.

Rules. Don't fuck with the rules. And if you mess with the rules, you're going to get a plane ticket. All right? Rules. Rules and tickets. Tickets and rolls. So we learned, by the way, a little bit more about Trevor.

He used to be a professional surfer. All right. And he was a hair model for Paul Mitchell mitchell he's like yeah i was a hair model for paul mitchell i'm like so you're one of those jackasses in those strange like faded photos you see in every song that's been up for 15 years yeah he's like the guy in the super cuts he's only profiled because he's cross-eyed yeah like oh this is what this is what a fade looks like on the side. Emily and Ben immediately bond because they're talking in, like, you know, Queen's English from London.

It's like, oh, I bought it. Where are you from, darling? Oh, I went to Heavenshire Shropshire. That was my boarding school. And I'm doing a show. Ah, boarding school. Ah, there we go, girl. He's all excited to hear boarding school from somebody else.

Julia's crying somewhere. You know, I'm from the northern part of England, and we don't talk to people in boarding school. I get it, you're fancy. Then Ben starts to cry. I'm not that kind of guy, but tell me more about your boarding school. Thank God I'm not going to have to cry about being fancier than someone.

This year at all, then. By the way, instantly my two favorite characters on this show are barry and larry the first officer and chief engineer oh my god that's so new heart it was so my brother larry my other brother larry you know we're never gonna see them again but you know they always introduce those like those silence like the real workers and he's like all right well there's barry and larry and they're like hi everyone it's like i think barry or larry one of them gave a big wave and they were gone forever people who actually make the boat move yes um and the lauren from mailbin

is single as a pringle because she sweats a, probably. So anyway, the first chart of the season, it's going to be a bunch of girls who have never met before. But the primary is a dress designer. And she met everyone on Instagram. Yeah, they're all Instagram friends. And they want a social media themed dinner. LOL. Yeah, so it's basically all these girls on their cell phone like, oh my god, they look so pretty.

But they all, Ben has to make a million different things because some don't want gluten and some don't want meat and some don't want fish and some don't want, you know, then there's the obligatory fat girl who just wants everything all the time. Yes. And the rest of them are like, we're in bikinis. We're going to jump off the boat without our tops on. She's like, I'll take pictures over here with my calf tan on yeah it was basically it was basically like the second coming of tilted kilt where it was like a bunch of pretty girls and then an older less pretty girl basically like

look at all my pretty friends does that make me look pretty too i was like i know i felt bad i also felt bad for kate because kate was talking about her girlfriend that she had just met and she's like you know right now we're in a really happy phase i was like oh this like i like it's not humiliating but it's like oh she probably is like she's probably doing like a face palm right now she said i'm not i mean i was never really gay like i didn't come out of the closet i just went into the closet picked out a new dress and came back out yeah that was great i was never really in it i just went in for a second to get a dress when sierra storm finally gets there she's like hi captain it's me sierra i'm here on the island well we just left the island guess what can't come back because it's the rules what am i gonna

make a circle guess what we don't do on boats? Make circles. This ain't a dinner cruise, Sierra. Okay, well, do I still have a job? He's like, all right, well, someone's going to come pick you up, and they're going to dingy you and get dingy. So she comes on in, and everybody's like, da-dun, da-dun, da-dun. She is a gorgeous girl. She's got big boobs. And Kate's like, you know, the best thing about her, she doesn't really even understand how pretty she is and like if she was she doesn't realize how bitchy she could be yeah bitchier you're gorgeous you should be so bitchy um also by the way trevor asshole trevor um he and nico are already like not getting along because they're they're roommates and nico took

the top bunk and trevor's like no you don't get the top bunk like i'm it i know you're tall but i'm the senior deckhand yeah he literally says that uh upper deck upper what'd he say upper position upper bunk okay yeah and then unfortunately for him he doesn't realize the camera's right in his eye line and so we get to watch him eating boogers yeah he picked his nose and ate his booger meanwhile ben's missing four pounds of spinach i need my four pounds of spinach where's my four pounds of spinach i need my like here it is fine um it's just spinach popeye i also like that when the guests came on board so allison who's the primary is like kate you're my hero and kate's like oh awesome when uh the thing about people like trevor they're so bossy but they're always the worst like the worst at their job and he's

no different like this guy's terrible terrible at his job he doesn't know any of the parts of the boat yes he's obviously just faking it then he goes into the kitchen he's standing behind sierra blatantly sexually harassing her yeah she's trying to work he is basically like danny and brian from last season all in one that's a good that's a good call he's a mixture and you would think he would be better because trevor follows the five p's proper planning prevents poor procedure how did you even get that? It was so fast. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. I thought the five Ps were like party, peanuts, penis, plants, and... Pools.

Pools. Which have rules. It's a rhyme. Yeah, so the girls were, of course, like, you know, sometimes... Is everything gluten-free? A vuf-cus-cus-cut in French. Shut up. Like, you know, sometimes... Is everything gluten-free? Is this couscous gluten-free? Shut up. And how about... So when the charter guests, they go off to this little, like, shipwreck of a bar,

and the primary is like, okay, I've got 10 batteries. I never travel with less than 10 batteries. I'm like, you are probably the most annoying Instagram person ever, and no one's told you this, because if you are instagramming so much that you need 10 batteries you're doing it wrong yeah get a better phone yeah um all right so where does this end up going so uh we meet sierra um sierra's like i went to college a few times but never really stuck my parents hit a hippie soul uh which is all by the way all this does not bode well these are red flags left and right yeah all of them are basically

you're hot you're a slut and you don't like to comb your hair that's basically what you just said yeah trevor he does sexually harass her he's like your boobs are gonna fall out she's like um he's like hey will you smile for me smile for me i'm like are we in mad men now um they they have this social media dinner and they have to come up with all these puns and so so trevor comes up with um filet spook which i would make fun of except that's exactly the sort of pun that i would come up with um oh and the char oh god the poor charter guest did you see that dress you put on i have to be mean about this dress it was so bad especially if you're a dressmaker. It was like this weird black and white thing, but then there was like this triangle cut out by the knees and with the flaps coming out of it.

I mean, it was really one of the most hilarious things I'd ever seen. And then, you know, basically, you know, Ben and Kate soak their feet in a sink and things like that. Wow. She's like, yeah, my girlfriend tells me my butt gets really warm like a furnace. And he's like, why? She's like, uh.

And then he tries not to be jealous but of course with any man how do you get him jealous? Fuck somebody else. So now he's like i'm really glad that they're happy together because apparently it's something i couldn't do um and then uh i also like how the next morning trevor is bragging about all the work that he

does he's been doing or he's like yeah no i straightened up that chair and then i like put a pillow on the chair and then i there was a cabinet that was open, so I, like, closed that bra. So, you know, I know how to close cabinets. And then, you know, I came over here, and I, like, made myself a bowl of cereal, which was pretty tough. But, like, I did it because he's a douche. Douche. And then later on, he takes off his shirt in front of the guests. Yeah, which Kelly is on him, which is hilarious.

It would be Kelly. And Kelly's like, don't take your shirt off even if they ask you to take your shirt off okay that's not how it works well i have to admit it he so far he is significantly more professional than anything happening on blow deck med because at least when the girl was flirting with a hot girl was flirting with kelly he walked away and at least he hasn't gone on a power trip like brian yet but he went to captain lee to find out like so like i just want to know like how should i so this guy this like this trevor dude he's kind of like an asshole so how should i handle it

captain is like well talk to him and say you're an asshole and let me tell you something if it was my problem then it's your problem for you because it'll be a ticket home for you and then a ticket of just another destination like i got a lot of tickets you tell them this you tell them when it rains you pull out an umbrella if you don't got an umbrella you're gonna be back online it's gonna rain right on your head. Got that, kid? He's like, oh, okay. And I stand by that. Oh, wait, Dorinda.

Listen, I'm Captain Dorinda. This is what I say. You say, if you want a sandwich, you make yourself your own sandwich. But I'm not going to make a sandwich for you, you know? But I would because I care about you. And I stand by that. Dorinda's been in the kitchen listen i made four pounds of spinach for you and if you're not gonna eat it you better leave this

boat because i did it nice so we'll get further into below deck as it gets more dramatic right now is the beginning part where everybody's just like, I'm such a good maid. And they come on and they clean really well. And they're squeegeeing stuff. They haven't gone stir crazy yet and started turning on each other and getting wasted and trying to, you know, like semi rape each other in the hot tub.

So we'll get there. And we only have one episode left of New York. And so once, once New York is done, then we'll have more real estate on the show for blow deck. We've also got secrets revealed. Don't be delusional. I mean,

what, what, what grade of secret is it that I'm getting married? I mean, could you believe it? That's the big secret. Here's my secret. I'm getting married. Girls, I'm getting married. Girls. Everybody, thank you for listening.

Thank you. Go to watchwhatcrappens.com for all our links. Facebook.com slash watchwhatcrappens to talk to other listeners. Don't forget to Patreon.com slash watchwhatcrappens for our links facebook.com slash watch what crap and to talk to other listeners don't forget to patreon.com watch what crap ends for our bonus episodes and go sign up for la pod fast you pod fast everyone's like i couldn't get to your fast pod thing la pod fest using the code word Yes. We'll see you later. September 25th. Come see us. Come see us. Sophie, tell them to tell my mom. Bye-bye. Hey, Prime members. You can listen to Watch What Crappens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.