Watch What Crappens - #327: Gerbil Anger

Episode Date: September 13, 2016

Timestamps below! Real Housewives of Orange County deals with the aftermath of the Great Crash of 16 while the Real Housewives of New Jersey deals with good ole fashioned misogyny and parent neglect. Enjoy! Find our bonus episodes and social media links at WatchWhatCrappens.com! Timestamps: 00 Opening and Crappens Mailbag 17:20 RHOC 1:17:35 RHONJ We have partnered with TuneIn to deliver more bonus content! Download the app! For our own premium feed, bonus episodes and extras, visit http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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We love you, mama. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? There's so much that crappens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Yield Bribes. I'm Ronnie Karam from the Rose Pricks Bachelor Podcast, and now the Finding Prince Charming Podcast, and the Big Brother Smother Podcast. And here I am with the gorgeous and talented Ben Mandelker of B-Side Blog and the Banter Blender. Hi, Ben. Hi, Ronnie.

How you doing, baby? You know, I'm riding high because I have just received four medals I'm riding high because I have just received four medals from Yahoo's Robots on behalf of Toyota for my stellar performance in fantasy football this week. So I'm feeling so great. And I'm drinking some Intelligentsia coffee today, not my usual Starbucks. So who knows what this podcast has to offer now? Not only are you smarter, you're smarter in Italian. Okay. Everybody, we just recorded a bonus episode basically going over Patty the Pwn Live, Red Lobster, and the Claim Jumper.

You know, I would say don't ask, but you should ask. And all your answers are on the bonus episode. You can get that by becoming a premium subscriber over at patreon.com slash watchwhatcrappens. You can find all of our links on watchwhatcrappens.com. That'll take you to our Twitter, our Facebook, which is also a great place to be, facebook.com slash watchwhatcrappens. Because you can talk crap with all the other listeners as the shows air. And, man, people in there are hilarious. The Real Housewives of Orange County thread from last night is gold.

So go read it. We're going to be in L.A. Podfest. I keep saying fast. L.A. Podfast, which makes no sense. But we're going to be in the L.A. Podfest. That's September 25th. It's Sunday. So you guys should come.

And I just want to say something about that real quickly. Do it. So we've been talking about this PodFest for several weeks. And I am suddenly starting to have anxiety that we're going to do our show and we're going to have like 10 people there. And we really need people in the seats because if we we don't then they probably won't ask us back and we're trying to we are also trying to show like the pod fest is so much about like comedians and like comedy podcasts and we're like a little different and so i think it'd be really cool if if we could get like support to show that they're like that there is room for a podcast like ours in the in the podcast like mainstream so um so we really hope that if you're in the area you can you

can come and join and see our show because um there would be it would be so cool if we could just have it like sro for our for our show because we're going up against apparently a super popular podcast and that's basically the main draw and we're like the sideshow Because we're going up against apparently a super popular podcast. And that's basically the main draw. And we're like the sideshow. And we're on sideshow. And we're on sideshow. So please make sure we don't get embarrassed. Yeah come.

And then we're going to party after. So come. It'll be a really fun night. So to get tickets just go to LAPodFest. If you want to watch this all by a streaming pass for the entire weekend of all of the shows there's a bunch of huge shows there has been said you can buy a streaming pass and you can watch the whole thing online so when you buy that at la pod fest use the code word crappins um also we recorded today our tune-in episode which was so much fun it was great we

that's our bravo gossip show over on tune-in premium and we did we talked there's a bombshell we revealed a bomb well we talked about a bombshell yeah huge bombshell and we talked about the vanderpump rules drama with the newer manager over there who had a run-in with Kelly Bezzatard and the Real Housewives of Dallas casting and some of the drama that happened behind the scenes of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Well, not

behind the scenes. I'll watch what happens live. The tweets between Dina and Caroline and all that fun stuff. Yeah. I'm overcoming lung disease. Yeah. Ronnie has the black lung. He was mining all weekend and now this is stuff. Yeah. I'm overcoming lung disease. Yeah, Ronnie has the black lung. He was mining all weekend, and now this is what's happened.

I was mining for Patty LaPon. So, yeah, I have lung disease, but don't worry. Feel great. Feel great. And I'll just be hacking into a bucket, and I'll be careful to do that off the microphone. All right.

Well, even if you cough into the microphone we all understand no as someone who has weak lungs um i have been known to have coughing spats and it's it's you know you just got to get through it so we support you ronnie i love you guys thank you bean um so we will be talking about real housewives of orange county and new jersey today yes before we do that there's a little business we have to get to being yes let's get to that business do it the crappins mailbag and uh in case you don't know about the crappins mailbag um it's a chance for listeners to send in questions and comments um and if you want to do that you you just have to go to patreon.com

and supporters at a certain level get to submit to the mailbag. So we have a first time. I love it when we have a first time question. Okay, this is from Ashley. She says, hi guys. She said that specifically in a Ramona voice. Okay, okay, hi guys.

First time question, okay? Do your families ever listen to this, like your parents or your siblings? And do they get the humor too? In other words, do they appreciate how hysterical you are? Where do you guys think you get your sense of humor? Oh, Lorne, you go first. My parents don't listen to it. My brother does not listen to it.

My dad sometimes't listen to it. My brother does not listen to it. My dad sometimes will listen. He says he likes to listen to me singing the theme song. And so he listens to that and then he stops. Well, I like it. 30 seconds of support is better than none, Ben. Exactly. I mean, my parents don't watch Bravo. The only times they ever watch Bravo is when I'm at home and they're forced to watch it, which will usually elicit some sort of remark about how awful these people are. Why do I care about them?

Or my favorite is my mom will often look at the screen and then give me a look and say – and then look to my dad and say, our son has declined. So no, they don't listen. Um, I do think though, I do think about that. You know, my parents think I'm funny and I'm sure your parents think you're funny. I'm sure my parents would think you're funny too. So I think that they do appreciate the humor. And in terms of my, where I got my sense of humor, um, I feel like growing up, my parents really did expose me to a lot of um really strong comedic influences like they loved woody allen and so we they were always um forcing us to watch woody allen movies and as a kid i didn't love woody allen but i think i actually like in retrospect i mean say what you will about him as a person. He is a comedic genius, and I feel like I learned so much from him as a writer.

And then I also think The Far Side, oddly enough, is another big comedic influence. My parents would always get me Far Side books. If you guys don't know what The Far Side is, look it up. I used to love those. Honestly, the best comic that's ever been um and then uh i think that actually when i was older um when i interned at late night with conan o'brien that was really that was like a big that was a really big influence on me because being able to sit there and watch the rehearsals and watch conan go through jokes and decide which ones were good which ones were bad and watching him build

off of jokes and i was lucky enough at one point to be a script intern which meant that i would go there go um i would stand there with a list of all the monologue jokes and it'd be like five minutes before showtime and you would go and present all the jokes to conan and then he would sit there and go through all the monologue jokes and cross off some and like approve some and deny others and then i'd have to go to cue cards guy i'd be like okay these are ones that are going forward but to be able to literally just stand there while conan was making these decisions it was not only like really cool and be like yeah i got to stand there with conan but i actually really felt like i learned a lot so that's my long answer as to what class my god

yeah those are like my like you know i would say those are my comedic influences and then in terms of like movies like dumb and dumber i think is a great great great like comedy i think it's one of the best of all time. And The Naked Gun. I feel like I've learned so much from The Naked Gun. Whoo, this Intelligentsia coffee. Wow. Intelligentsia.

You can't say Intelligentsia and Naked Gun in the same sentence. Yes, you can. That's the brilliant part of it. It's a law. My family, my parents don't listen um but they're very supportive in general they just don't really understand and whenever i turn on these shows my mom just curses from behind me while she plays canasta um but my cousin jenna listens to them all the time love you jenna and she gets all my jokes and she also gets like the amused anger that's constantly running through my blood in

general but also that i get to take out on these stupid shows like she gets it she's like my angel and my real sister my actual sibling sister is like huh but she does listen as well um i think mostly to get the voices because whenever i'm around her i'm always doing whatever's whatever our current non-current joke is okay like i'll do that around her a lot and so she'll listen just to see what the hell that stuff is um and my influences are basically all tv shows that were on during the time i was growing up i think probably the biggest influence to me was rosanne barr because i loved me some rosanne i watched every episode and i really liked a fat pissed off sarcastic person that was a millionaire there weren't a whole lot at that time so yeah that was me i'm still fat and

sarcastic not much of a millionaire but you know i've at least live in a place that could be her set if she was going to be a fat, poor, sarcastic person again. I would love some more Roseanne Barr in pop culture. She's off living in Hawaii on a plant plantation. Not a plantation. A nut plantation or something like that. Yeah, it is. It is a plantation. It's like a nut farm or something.

But I think we need Roseanne Barr these days. I think her voice needs to be heard. Well, the Roseanne Barr of today is different than the Roseanne Barr of then. I know. It's very – now she's, like, smart-ish and – or she thinks she's smart-ish. Yeah, I don't know. I don't like that. And Earth, she thinks she's smartest.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't like that. I like the white trash chick who was, like, yanked out of some comedy club and just went nuts on Hollywood. I mean, she would go to Hollywood parties and just – there would always be stories in the news about Roseanne just making an ass out of herself and criticizing everybody at parties. And I like that one. And apparently, I mean, she was really difficult to work for on her show apparently like there there are these horror stories from the writer's room there but you know i would i one thing that rosanne always has been is that she she tells it like it is which is like the new code thing these days but she really will let people have it and i think there's i

think we need to have her on our tvs again in like a significant way like she needs to sit calm again or like find a proper talk show for her because she had a talk show and it wasn't good like but but find a space for her on one of these like panel shows with all women you know like we need her back i think yeah i'm down yeah she could do some. I'm sure she's been on the view, actually, but I would love to see her on the view. I think if Whoopi ever takes a break, they should get Roseanne, because she will piss some people off. Oh my God. I

absolutely agree. I love pissed off people. Catherine says, this is actually very sweet and funny at the same time and sad. She says, I just want to thank you guys publicly for making me laugh. My cat is very sick and won't eat, probably won't make it. However, we've been cooking her chicken to feed her.

So I get a brief laugh in my head asking her if she wants some chicken every time. So, Catherine, sorry for your cat. I've been down that path. I remember when my – I know. So, Catherine, sorry for your cat. I've been down that path. Sorry about your chicken. I know. Like I remember when my childhood cat was at the end of the line there. And I was in college.

And my parents called to say they had to put down our cat. And I was like, okay, okay. And then I hung up the phone and went into the bathroom and found a stall. And I cried for five minutes. So I've been there. I know it's tough. Oh, okay. And then I hung up the phone and went into the bathroom and found a stall and I cried for five minutes. So I've been there. I know it's tough. Oh, man. I know.

It was really sad. Like I was really – I had a dream about my childhood cat like last week and I was like, oh, Elijah. Elijah. You're always waiting for Elijah to come knocking. Come knocking like at Passover. Oh, Elijah. Catherine, prayers for your cat and prayers for you.

And chicken for dinner! Chicken! I think that's it for today for the mailbag. We'll do some more on Thursday. We'll make these mailbags. We'll make them last, y'all. So we're going to tie up that mailbag

and get back into it later this week. Oh, chicken! So first, go ahead. First up, well, you know, I was going to say, I bet that all those years when Chicken was not getting a callback from Janet on Mailbin, you know how I bet she passed her time?

By reading magazines. Ben, well, that's such a wonderful idea. I mean, that can make anybody's life better. I always think so. Like when your stepmother's ignoring you, turn to magazines. Learn something more. But you know what, though, Ronnie? There are so

many magazines out there. I mean, you probably have to binge them. Oh, guys, you can binge your pizza. You can binge your TV. But binging magazines, you're going to have a stack of paper in your house that's very difficult and very heavy to clean up after a while.

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When you go to texture.com slash crappins. You'll gain immediate entry to all the top magazines, including back issues and bonus video content, chicken. Oh, Wolfie, start binge reading for free right now when you go to texture.com slash crappens. That's texture.com slash crappens. And, Wolfie, it's texture.com slash crappens. Oh, texture. Texture. Oh, soppens. Oh, texture. Texture.

Oh, so we just leave Petty Flo out of the ad? I guess she's used to it. You enjoy your magazines. Nobody is paying attention to me. You are flipping through magazines, ignoring my sheer dress. I wrote a zine. I guess that's not going to get put into text anytime soon. That's okay.

I'm used to it. Oh, pedoflore. All right. So let's open with the Real Housewives of Orange County. What a show. What a show. You know, I got panicked there. I thought I was recording the episode, and I saw it was not recording, and I almost freaked the fuck out.

Oh, my God. I'm going to have to say my influences again. I know. What shall I use? So Orange County. Gosh, I love this show. This show is so hilarious. I like that they opened with their, like, previously, and at the end of their previouslys, they're Jim going, I don't need to go see her.

And then the sound effect is, boom! To be fair, he says that about all his ex-wives. So don't take it personally. And his current, usually. You're like, your wife is in the hospital. I don't need to go see her. Boom!

Pretty much any woman in his life. I don't know. I don't need to go see her. So if you didn't remember that super dramatic stuff has happened on Real Housewives of Orange County, we get the chyron at the bottom. That's like three hours after the crash. Yeah.

We got an hourly update on this show. It's like when Teresa got out of jail, 45 minutes after she got out of jail, three hours later, after the crash tamra has rolled to her car in an office chair from staples yeah and tamra says well the good news is there's nothing majorly wrong with me like well maybe not physically the only thing I lost in that crash was my belly button, but I don't miss it.

We finally are explained to, or we finally get an explanation about Tamara's missing belly button. It left in the crash. I left my belly button in Glamour Stones. It would have been on the windshield, but there was no windshield,

so now it's just on that savior bar. This is now broken because the car is dead. Batch. Jesus took the wheel, and now I'm not so sure if Jesus likes me anymore. Jesus is a drunk driver, Batch. I should have gone to Bass Lake. That's where Gretchen went. Batch.

So she's in the car with Eddie, who's just had his birthday shat all over. I mean mean this guy just can't win man yeah so he's taking her back he's like it's okay baby it's okay like let's have sexy lady gaga instead okay baby so heather calls and she's like hi it's heather the way you said it made me imagine instantly heather doing a robo call for politician hi it's heather don't forget election day is this tuesday vote or die bye prop 19 is i used to use props when i was an actress in the film well you've never heard of

it but it was huge huge film props heather calls and she's like vicky stable uh she's just still at the hospital she's just waiting for someone to finish photoshopping her test results and they'll release her all right heather says a lot of crazy shit in this episode i don't know if you caught the heather lies but now look these may not be be Heather lies because we all know that my memory has been ruined by legalized marijuana. OK, so I'm not sure if this is a lie, but why is she saying Vicky's stable? Oh, wait, never mind. This is three hours later. I have a lie.

You know, I'm saying we all know we all know who the biggest liar in Orange County is. And that would be Shannon Bedore, as in here lies Shannon Bedore killed by her husband's infidelity. Talking about how much he lies all the time. Here, here I lie. I'm just a liar because I've been killed so many times by David, so I'm lying in my grave once again. It's like that Dave Matthews

song, Lying in Our Graves. Me, Shannon Bedore. Lie down, Sally. With Shannon Bedore. Shannon Bedore in Lie down, Sally. With Shannon Bedore. Shannon Bedore in concert. Tamara is on the phone with Heather, and she's like, oh, my God, I feel so responsible, bet. Hey, you know why? Because you literally were.

Yeah. That's why you feel responsible. Yeah. Like, literally, we're responsible. I mean, you know, hugs and everything. I know it wasn't on purpose, but still. We're responsible, yeah. So, meanwhile, up in La Quinta, Shannon has shown up at Jim and Megan's house, you know.

And the very first thing that Megan tells them is not, oh, my God, the girls were just in this, like, terrible accident. And Tamara had to go to the hospital. And Vicky was airlifted. The first thing was, I'm pregnant. It's like, great. Guess what was on purpose and not an accident at all? I'm pregnant. You want to feel my bumps? There's like two. I feel like it's a boy

and a girl. I can feel them. They're awesome. So there was just a situation that involved something rolling over, as in, my egg rolled over through my fallopian tubes into my uterus and got fertilized because I'm pregnant. And Shannon's like, ugh, eggs are

fucking disgusting, bitch. Shut up. Stop talking about eggs. He's like, this one over here wrote me into some stupid candle shop. Oh, God. Shannon's like, that's not a bump. If you're pregnant, I'm carrying a six-month-old. David? David, who's six-month-old is this?

Uh-oh. There's an emergency outside Ben's house. What could be happening? It must be a hospital to fetch me, because I'm dying thanks to David's infidelity. David? David. Who would have thought that I would connect with Megan Edmonds? Not me.

Who's going to connect with the Edmonds? Me. Yep. would connect with megan edmonds not me who's gonna connect with the edmonds me yep uh which was great because then it meant that we got a flashback to you i start charities megan and megan's like yeah she's really bad at golf but like not as bad as her outfit her outfit was ridiculous. And I loved it too. Because it was ridiculous. I loved also Shannon at golf, which was just like, wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

David. David. Wow. The Bedouras sure are kicking ass at golf. Hate you, Edmonds. I just love how Shannon has to say everybody's name differently. Here the Bedouras are. We're with the Edmonds, playing

golfmans. Mr. Golfsmith. Hey, did somebody order an Arnold Palmer? Or is that just me being really good at golf? Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. It's basically like her

at Dr. Moon going through cupping, except with more enthusiasm. Ow! Ow! I feel better. I feel better. You know, Dr. Moon inserted three golf balls into my asshole, so that way I play better. It's working. Well, we're finally on hole 37 and Megan tells me

that Vicky's been in a life-threatening accident. Why wouldn't she tell me that earlier? Did she want me to ignore Vicky? Yep. Yes? Yes? No? So I love that they're finally, they're hanging out by the golf cart and Megan finally tells her

three hours later about this whole thing and then Shannon's phone rings. And I love that her ringtone are church bells. I didn't even notice that. It's the Hunchback of Notre Dame yanking at the bells over there. Oh, well, somewhere there's a cathedral ringing. Must be someone calling with important information. Well, so many angels are getting their wings right now.

Enjoy it, angels, because the second we close Escrow, they're going to probably take my rings, too. I want everything from me. Do all the angels have their wings now? Yes. Yes. So this is, you know, Heather and Kelly calling again, talking about the accident. And they're like, Vicky's by herself. She's by herself. And Megan's like,

yeah, it's too bad. Shannon's like, well, I think her son must have heard by now. He does have Instagram. I'm sure he's there. Because Lord knows she's sure finding time to take selfies on the Instagram. And then I love Heather's like, I can't

go visit Vicky because i was just in a fucking accident to be fair i'm sorry you were gonna sorry you're gonna say no i was just gonna say heather's an asshole like you can always fill in my blanks very easy i'm not really much of a mad lib i'm like back lib it's just like heather is an asshole they actually could have actually i mean it would have been a pain but they someone probably could have driven up there but i just love the arguments that nobody wants to go like where are you going we're far well you go we're further no you're further no and this is where this is where megan chimes in uh by resurrecting

in 1998 technology and saying i just did a map quest, and it's a 48-minute drive from where you guys are. Hashtag knowledge. And Megan's so consistently wrong on her map questing. That's the problem that she used map quests, okay? She's like, map quest says it's like 2002, so this didn't even happen yet. Yeah. I was like five. Yeah, that's

definitely her problem, because she can never read it right. When she's in La Quinta, she's like, Vicky's house is like 18 hours away. That's the walking directions. Yeah, she probably took the flying... Whatever, plane directions.

New MapQuest flights. I just looked, and if you catch a flight right now, you could be in Palm Springs in 45 minutes. What? I changed it from walking. So then, of course, Heather's angry and hangs up on them. And then Heather texts and is like, that was uncool. Yeah, because Megan was basically like, I did a MapQu a map quest and from you guys it's only 45 minutes and from us it's only 45 minutes so what's the difference like why don't you go it's just 45 minutes from you it's like did you not hear me kelly has had 20 peers she's not driving me anywhere i just got out of the car

with tamra for christ's sake kelly has ptsd? She's drinking beer instead of wine, all right? She's already drunk, but it's not the same sort of drunk. It's PTSD drunk. I'm with Megan here when she says, you guys should go. You're her friends. Why would you expect, you know, Heather has tried to come in on the whole, let's not let Vicky film stuff. Then she finally came around, but still won't fully become friends. Tamara is still starting shit behind the scenes. Like what?

We're all supposed to be nice to Vicky now? Come on, you guys. Let's not forget that she started Club Detox and then magically had a boyfriend who didn't really have cancer. I mean, I'm really not that anti-Vicky. I'm not an anti-Vixer. vicky i've uh i'm not i'm not an anti anti-vixer um but she um here here's my feeling is that um i think heather should have been a little bit more up front and been like hey vicky was in a really bad accident can you guys please go see her in the in the hospital i know it's a pain but could you please do it because she has no one instead of saying so she's in the hospital so

and then megan's like well i don't want to go i mean i think it was i think it was i thought i thought it was pretty de classe okay of megan to be like well i'm not gonna go because she's like well i'm not her friend but i'm like but you guys are on a cast together you just went to her birthday last week i mean yeah you're probably like it's like you know it's like it's one of those things where it's like i get it like i actually get it because i'm a selfish person i'd be like but i just had i wanted to play golf today. We had a whole golf plan, you know? But still. Well, as Kelly says, you know, have some compassion.

Like if that was a beer brand, I would have some too. But it's not. So I'm staying here. Yeah. But I do think that I think Heather and Kelly should have just said, hey, do us a favor. You're close by. Can you just drop in on Vicky and make sure she's okay? That's what they should have – they should have just asked.

But instead it was this whole like this surpassed aggressive insinuation that they should go visit and it became this standoff. Well, here's one of the weird Heather lies because Heather says, I can't go because I am in anv that took seven hours to get here on a two-hour drive and blah blah blah but then later when she's talking to shannon shannon or when she's talking to megan which we'll get to at the end she said um well i couldn't go it was too far away i had an rv and she goes no you took a car home you could have gone you could have had the car take you there instead so i never know what to believe with heather i mean it's not a huge lie i just don't know i just don't know who to believe you know yeah and there were cars i mean eddie had a car and then like kelly's husband arrived separately you know there was it was doable um it would have been the thing is this

it would have been a huge pain in the ass they could have gone up there it would have been two hours up there and they would have hung out then they'd have to come back down again and then you know so like it just it was an opportunity for megan and shannon to be like menches and they were not going to i don't blame them for wanting to but this show is like running for politics you just have to look like the better person yeah exactly otherwise you're going to be fighting about it all damn year uh and then shannon shannon says david they're saying we should go to the hospital and david goes yeah i need to go chase my ball call brooks yeah it's like yeah tell them to get called call brooks and let's go golfing which is pretty funny so this episode was actually brought to us by brookside chocolate which i thought was a

hilarious commercial to come on right after he's like call brooks it's like brookside chocolate which i thought was a hilarious commercial to come on right after he's like call brooks it's like brookside chocolate i thought i don't know who's doing the research but not bad brookside chocolate not bad love life is like a box of chocolates you never know which one has cancer in it none of them do well technically none of them do but you might still get it from No Brooks. None of them have No Brooks. But, well, I just want compassion. No Brooks. I had a cancer caramel. Now, you didn't see it because I passed it, but it was there.

Trust me. I felt it. I went to Newport Imaging, and they said my chocolates were cancerous. So here's the report. This is actually just a printout from the skinny bitch website. So cancer. So Tamara and Heather come back to camp and Heather's like, I will never get in a car with you again. Funny.

And then Kelly is so guilty. Sorry. Kelly is now drunk. Yeah. Well, I mean, she's been drunk, drunk i guess but now she's really drunk and she's like oh i was traumatized i thought you were gonna be a paraplegic tamra i thought you were gonna be a paraplegic i thought vicky was gonna be a paraplegic and i was like oh like you're gonna have to take turns on my elevator just to get to my kitchen

i'm impressed you even knew what a paraplegic was i thought i thought if you told her what Like, you're going to have to take turns on my elevator just to get to my kitchen. I'm impressed she even knew what a paraplegic was. I thought if you told her what a paraplegic should be like, what? So she could jump out of an airplane or something? I don't get it. I thought you were going to be a paraplegic. And usually people have to go to school for that. I'm glad you didn't come back smarter.

Will you do my taxes so you want to paraplegialize uh for all the things i've said so and then tamra gets really deep she's like i kept thinking bats what if vicky died bats what if kelly died bats what if vicky died what if kelly died what What if Kelly died? What if Gretchen died? What if Gretchen were there and she died? That would have been cool, actually. What if Vicky or Kelly died? Why doesn't she ever say Heather? Like, no one worries if Heather's going to die.

Heather will never die. Heather is, we'll look at Brad Pitt as Mr. Death and be like, not today, sir. I will tell you when I'm ready. There'll be one of those people who dies and they turn off the machines and she comes back and she's like, who stole my bed? Will you put somebody else in my bed? Who does that?

Oh, it's in Heaven's Bathroom. Death, I would like you to leave my house right now good night um so uh so now it's like 7.5 hours after the accident and shannon and megan and jimmy and david are around the dinner table talking about it and jimmy uh what i love they're all talking about it and shannon's like well i don't know what you're talking about. No one told me about it. You know, they're just gossiping. Well, she thought you were implying that you should go,

and they were implying that we should go, and implying what's implying that they should go, and implying. Who implies? Who does that? So they're already trying to make themselves feel better about their decision to not visit Vicky, so they're already justifying everything,

and Jimmy's like, well, you know, like, you know, and they called. Kelly was, like, on the phone opening up a beer. She was drinking a beer. And Chan just goes, oh, just this like quiet, super judgy way. Like she's like, I'm going to put that. I'll put that one in the back there. I'll think about that.

I'll bring that up later. Oh, Kelly Dodd. Popping a beer, huh, Kelly? Popping a beer, huh? What sort of woman does that? I don't know. Doesn't sound like a very serious accident to me for popping a beer huh huh what sort of woman does that i don't know it doesn't sound like a very serious accident to me for drinking a beer already megan gets that super serious thing she does like her investigating thing she's like yeah they were laughing and

like they even texted us pictures while they were laughing and then they show the picture that's when they show the picture of i guess it's vicky in the neck brace and she goes she's on a gurney and uh she's sharing a picture that's strange if i'm injured you're gonna catch me taking pictures of myself nope not a selfie no you know that's not a selfie right when someone else takes your picture it's not a selfie but yeah i'm like you know the way the internet works right like you're you're in traction and someone takes a picture of it and you get it and then you share that picture with someone else you know that's how things these photos go you know

that's what probably happened right shannon especially when shannon's the one who put her entire marriage catastrophe on tv yeah really who you think that's too gross to be showing pictures of hello a woman who feigned feigned death with a foam tombstone. Okay. A woman who gets her ass cleaned. Like she had her husband thumbing her asshole while there were cameras right outside the bathroom door. But that's too much. The neck brace is too much.

That's where we draw the line now. Come on, Shannon. Because they were just gathering evidence for their case to be like this is why we didn't see vicky because it just seemed like it was this big histrionic display um but i didn't think it was that bad that she sent the pic i think that was actually like oh i thought that would actually make her say wow that's scary oh my god look at that and so she's like sending photos huh david david why didn't you ever send photos of your mistress, David? David.

Now, if there's one blonde lady I'd like to see in a neck brace on Instagram, it's your mistress, David. David, David, you didn't receive this on your Gmail, did you? Because you are expressly forbidden to use that. Jim is becoming kind of a decent husband on camera. He's like, listen, I'm going to be involved in this if Heather keeps coming after you like you did something wrong. It's like, oh, geez. That was way too much enthusiasm. It's more like, all right, can you guys stop talking about this?

Because I wasn't going to get dragged into it. Like, no, you won't, honey. Yeah, if Heather keeps on accusing you, then I'm going to be forced into it. And, like, honestly, I just want to make a few candles and go back to St. Louis, okay? Bye. Bop! What was that? A huge Jim burp.

Oh. I can't make myself really burp. I'm allowed to do it. Let's make that Simpsons noise. Bop! I'll just pretend he has a bunch of that tobacco shit in his mouth. He just spits it at all times. Like a baseball player would.

Spitter. So then back at the campsite, Tamra has now put on a hat. Or maybe it was there all along. That says in bedazzled letters, hashtag classy as fuck. Or classy AF. Tamra, never change. It could be classy as fuck. You know, you shouldn't leave things up for us to Tamara, never change. Never change. It could be classy as fuck. You know, you shouldn't leave things up for us to decide, Tamara.

Classy as feezus. Praise Feezy. The girl's FaceTime Vicky. Vicky's like, hi, girls. I'm just sick and alone up here. No, it's here. It sucks. I'm just sitting here i'm all alone i'm in the hospital uh look my neck brace uh look look my neck hurts i can't even move how are you holding the phone in front of you you know doing anything when you got a neck brace on vicky is so full of shit okay vicky could be missing a limb and i still wouldn't believe her

i'm i'd be like she's got it behind her arm or behind her body someone check i i just feel like that was probably the best night of all time in the palm springs hospital because you know there were probably about 30 old queens in there for whatever reason and they're like vicky gumbelson is here it was was probably a huge party. She probably goes wandering around looking for the vending machine and passes the children's cancer ward, and is like, where are you all bald? At least you guys

have people to talk to. Look at me. Alone. Completely alone. Nobody's here for me. Great. Glad you guys are happy. I just want to be loved. I just want my friends. I think it's victim of all time. Tamara went on Watch What Happens

apparently after, because Tamara and Vicky hate each other now. Again? Yeah. This piece, I guess, doesn't last very long. Because Tamara was on Watch What Happens and apparently said that Vicky was totally being overdramatic and that the nurse told Tamara that

the minute she got in the helicopter, she whipped off her neck brace and asked for a drink. But then this is also Tamara saying this, and Tamara has a way of... The nurse was probably like, wow,

she was thirsty. She said she needed some water, and Tamara's like, all right, that bitch wanted a drink. She just ripped off her neck brace and wanted a drink. She's like, give me a martini, bitch. There's a way of embellishing the truth. That's true. I don't know who to believe.

So I'm going to choose to believe neither of these bitches. Or both of them. Yeah. So now then Kelly and Heather started bonding. This is nice, actually. Kelly was like, whoa, the way you were tonight, like, originally, I thought you were a cut fitness. But now I'm like, wow, you're actually, like, really maternal. And, like, you really are nice.

So, thank you. I really should never have judged you. Like, literally, like, never, ever. I'm so sorry. Oh, God, Kelly, because she's drunk. She's doing that, like, I love you, like drunk people do. And I speak as one. She's like, I love you. Drunk people do. And I speak as one. She's like, I love you.

Like, you know, Heather, you were such a good mom. And, like, you're such a good person. Like, what you did. Like, you're a loving angel. I'm so sorry, Heather. I'm so sorry, Heather. Like, you're an obsessed Malibu country. We're, like, the best ones I've ever seen, and, like, I don't

even know why they didn't nominate me for an Emmys, because, like, you are Malibu, you know? Wait a minute, what does this trailer bill? Who's billing me for the trailer? I'm educated, Heather, okay?

You may be Principal Dubpled bro but i've graduated right because i'm educated i'm an educated person heather is definitely in the mode where she wants to be fighting with somebody but she's not really sure how it's gonna go because she's ready to fly off the handle at any moment and now that kelly's being so nice, she just looks at us with those big, gigantic gerbil eyes, confused, and she's like, well, it's nice to hear Kelly say those words to me.

It meant a lot. Thank you. Kelly said things, and they were nice. She doesn't know what to do with it. She's like, you know, it's an improvement. It wasn it wasn't you know drunken slurring in a trashy Arizona mouth um but you know I mean Heather's Heather now realizes that she has a bigger fish to fry with Megan so she's like all right I better bring Kelly onto my side so I'll accept her apology yeah pretty much yeah because this episode is definitely where they're just gonna to all go to war over basically nothing.

Yeah. The biggest accident of nothing. So now Megan and Shannon are sitting around like a fire pit or something. And Megan's like, oh, by the way, I never told you about Vicky's birthday last week. You know, Megan, by the way, always introduces a new subject in the most awkward way. By the way, I don't think I told you that I went to the supermarket the other day. Have I told you about this, Shannon? No, you haven't.

Fascinating. This is great. Keep going. Who would have ever thought I would like to listen to Miss 30-year-old tell me about the supermarket? So Megan's talking about how she went. And it was fine. It was nice. But then she's like, but I know Vicky too well.

And, you know, I will remember how she hurt me. I'm like, how did Vicky hurt you? I will never forget what she's done to me. She didn't do anything to you. She snapped at you when you were being a little brat. That's what she did. Yeah, you wouldn't stop asking about the cancer. I don't want to talk about it. Well, you wouldn't stop asking about the cancer. I don't want to talk about it.

Well, what about the cancer? Some people say that Okay, I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, but the cancer. Oh, you're a little girl. You shut up! Shut up! Vicky lost it. I love that they showed that clip. Yeah, shut up!

Yeah, well then, so this gave Shannon a chance to get all, you know, sanctimonious about Vicky. She's like, well, to sit by a woman, that fakes cancer. I just can't get by it, David. David, what she did to me was betray me. She is disgusting and vile.

I've never been spoken to like that in a Roots Quiz. David, who's Ruth's Chris? Who's Ruth's Chris? David, was she the woman on the beach, Ruth? Ruth? Oh, so that's Ruth's Chris and not Leanne's Chris? Which Chris is that, David?

David, could you be more specific about what Chris that is, David? David, who's Morton? Who's Morton from Chicago? For all of those who forgot, they showed that huge fight when Vicky's like, shut up. Stop asking me about whenever she lost it. Because Shannon was fucking with her in that restaurant, too. Shannon, they were supposed to be there for Brooks's birthday, of all people. And she's like, well, I just wanted to tell you what everybody is saying. She's like, I don't want to hear

it. Like, maybe another day. Like, you can tell me another day. But like, right now, I don't want to hear it because it's like, yay, woohoo, birthday. It's Brooks's birthday. Woo. She's like, yeah, okay, great. Yay, Brooks. Okay, I wanted to tell you the gossip I heard. Nope, I don't want to hear it. I do not want to hear it right now. Do not tell me right now it's Brooks's birthday.

Okay, well, that sounds great. Let's order a salad. Okay, I want to tell you what they're saying about me. Shut up! God damn it! Oh, she betrayed me. That was amazing. But you know what, though? So Shannon, it's kind of funny to me because Shannon, obviously

this whole situation with Vicky is not good, but here's my feeling, and we love Shannon. But I'm not totally on her side because I have been of the mindset that I don't think that Vicky was deliberately in on the cancer thing. I think that she just had her blinders on. I think that she just didn't want – Brooks told her that he had cancer. I think Vicky is always dramatic. I think she was – I think she took it and ran with it i do think

that brooks was deceiving her because he's deceived others um and i think that ultimately you know shannon and vicky were super super super close and shannon really is believing the worst of the worst of vicky you know because you know there are many people i think you're you're of the camp right that vicky knew all along right oh yeah yeah i am if you're if you're like vicky's friend and this situation happens there's like no benefit of the doubt you know it's like it's it's she's been forced i don't know i think that shannon is like holding vicky to such an extreme standard and yet her husband has an affair on her with her or against her on her over her and she takes back david and is willing to work on that it just seems strange to me well but she didn't immediately take back

david i mean david really david is still groveling you know yeah like if you want to if you want to compare it to that then vicky's gonna need to do that same thing with santa she'll probably forgive her too yeah but but she gave david a chance mean, the difference is one thing when you're in a situation with a husband and kids versus just a friend that you met a year and a half ago. I just think that like Shannon's being really rigid over this point. And, um, it's really like it's Vicky.

It's just Vicky. You know, you, you, she should have known by now. This is, this is what Vicky is. Just get over it,

have fun and enjoy the fun. Because Vicky has a fun side and she has a crazy side. I think Shannon's thing is that she calls this shit all the time. Like that dinner with Vicky where Vicky and her first got into that, where Vicky screamed at her and then Shannon sobbed. Shannon was doing her best to bring up all these cancer rumors on TV and confront Vicky with it. And Vicky knew she was doing it. It was obvious what she was about to do and told her 20 times, don't do this to me on national TV. And Shannon did anyway and pretended like she was just doing it to be her friend and made herself a big victim out of it. So, well, I think Vicky is a compulsive liar and a total bottom-feeding asshole for doing that.

Because I really, like, I do believe that she did it. And even if you don't, like, we're never going to agree on that, I know. But even if you don't believe that she did that, to know that all of that was fake and to still be trying to sell holistic cancer products. And don't forget that his whole storyline was that the chemo wasn't working. Remember? Like he was having all these things. But it's this holistic stuff. And, of course, Vicky's hawking it on her Facebook page.

Even if she's not disgusting enough to lie about it in the beginning, she was disgusting enough to try and make money off of it well after she knew it was all bullshit. I think that she had her blinders on. I honestly really think she had her blinders on. I think, you know, she's, I just. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world.

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by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we

are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app

or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. I think it was, I think she, I think she really was into Brooks and she liked being in this relationship. And she didn't want to admit that everyone for all these years was wrong about it. Because this was such the concrete thing that Brooks is a piece of shit. And she has defended him so hard, had defended him so hard for so these years was wrong because this was such the concrete thing that brooks is a piece of shit and she has defended him so hard had defended him so hard for so many years it was

like she had dug herself into a hole and she's so fucking stubborn um and i think that she just didn't want to concede i think she was i think she was hoping that it would just blow over and then it could just go away and it would not blow blow over. Thanks to Miss Megan Cairns. And to our benefit. Because it was amazing to watch. And I think it would not go away. And then she had to face reality. And by the way.

And good. Because now she and Brooks are done. Whichever way was the truth. It doesn't. At this point. Shannon is still an asshole because whether it was true or not, if you're going to be friends with someone on a Housewives show and say, oh, I'm just here

to be your friend, obviously she was not being her friend at that point. She was doing something she knew was really shitty. I agree. I think Shannon was trying to make herself look like, Vicky, I'm your friend. I just want you to, why don't you produce something to make them be quiet? Actually, Shannon, why don't you tell them to make them be quiet why don't me it's like why don't actually shadow why don't you tell them to be

quiet it's not up to vicky even if it's even if it's the biggest sham in the world if you're her friend you should tell these you know these nags hey it's none of your business just shut up you know but isn't it so funny that like a year later and a year later, the show's so psychic. It's like a year later in public. Now we're fighting about people producing their medical records. Hilarious. Like that's like the top of the news. Both sides are like, well, show me your medical records.

Well, show me your medical records. Thank you, Edmund. It should really be at the forefront of society right now i mean she should like get trump and hillary and be like all right i have been doing some investigations um hillary you have foot and mouth disease donald you have lyme i don't know hi megan king edmonds welcome to cnn cancer not not in cancer not not cancer not not um anyway so the next day um megan and shannon called get a call from tamra they called tamra to see how how she is and tamra's like yeah i was driving and i was thinking i shouldn't be doing this like this is too much i'm scared but i kept on going and i was driving over dune after dune and then we got to the highest point i'm like what am i doing this

is crazy and we went over it and we went flying and then the car tumbled and then the axle broke and then the bar broke and then like i mean heather the thing broke on her head she's like she didn't have a head injury and then they're like wow we didn't realize it was that bad the description you just gave me is very different than the one i was given yesterday she's like it was real guys it was real batch And I cannot believe not one of you could go see Vicka. She had to Uber home at 1 a.m. In a neck brace and a hospital gown. She didn't even have sneakers.

It was like an Uber X. It was humiliating for her. She was with a stranger. She had to share a ride at 1.30 in the morning. She had to share a ride. And they had to stop off in Riverside first. It wasn't even a direct ride to OC. Could you imagine Vicky in a hospital gown and a neck brace in an Uber without shoes?

It's like, okay, well, where are we going to go now? Where can we get a drink? You're cute. You know, when I was an Uber driver, I definitely had a lot of strange experiences. I had some strange things, strange people wearing strange things with strange demands in my car but i never had someone in a hospital gown with their ass hanging out and this this this leads to the question what how is any of that true because production she was just taken on a helicopter to some hospital with production inside the helicopter with her and they all just

left her at the hospital and made her take an uber home well doubtful guys this is this is the latest update from tnn the tamra news network not to be confused with the alexia news network well well you know oh well you know vicky you know she was like alone she just had like a hospital gown and she had to get an uber so you know vicky but you know like but you know she's like an artist so like that's sort of like what she does some little person oh but you know she she got a loan of a little turban from some little person in the hospital but you know well peter he didn't mean it well you know oh and you know vicky that was for people who are relatively new listeners that's a call back to real households of miami uh where alexia we had created created the Alexia News Network because she always

had updates about stupid things. Her son doing terrible things. But anyway, I like that Tamara gets mad at Megan and Shannon for not visiting Vicky. And then Megan of course goes, I don't appreciate the accusation that we didn't care. I'm like, you didn't care.

You did not, specifically did not care. I do not appreciate you suggesting that I am a murderer. Like, uh, no one said that. Everybody calm down over there. Calm down. Here lies Shambador, killed by Tamara's accusations that I did not care. I cared so little that I just died. Is that what you want to hear?

Fine. I'm dead. Tamara did have an argument that you had, which is, Shut up to her birthday party, bitch! You're you know what go to hell he's like i love that her the veneer of christian the christianity christianity it's very very fancy gay christianity um i love that that veneer is just already coming off little by little go to hell well i was gonna say it means that it means like it's it's even more damning if someone's super christian says go to hell she really means like go to actual hell yeah exactly you're christian now that is way meaner than it would have been

last season i'm not sure she's still christian though because as we saw as we see later on something got knocked out of Tamara. She's just not the same Tamara anymore. But either way. That has more to do with the changing of the meds than the changing of the religion. Because Tamara, God bless her, she can't help herself sometimes. Thank God. And I mean that.

Yeah. So now we're back in Orange County. It's a few days later. Vicky is in a neck brace, LOL. And Megan. That was so funny. She's like, oh, hi, Brianna. How you doing, Brianna?

And Brianna tells us, look, I feel bad for my mom, okay? She's wearing a neck brace and stuff. But I'm in San Diego getting a PET scan, okay? I feel bad, but it might be a little bit embellished with my mom. Just a little bit. So, um... Um... So, Megan

is like, oh, shit. Like, I'm gonna look like an asshole, so I gotta fix this. So, Megan decides to visit Vicky in Orange County. With product. With product. She's like, oh, here's one of our candles. And Vicky, oh, here's one of our candles. And Vicky's like, wow, one of our candles? Like, what was this?

Like, I don't get it. And I just said, like, Vicky Bethany. We're opening a candle store. I did a Vicky Bethany. Like, what is it? Like a cheetah brand? Jimmy and I are opening a candle store. Oh, well, that's so thankful.

That's so thoughtful of you, Megan. Let me grab you some bloody piggy vodka, okay? We can drink that while we smell your apple-flavored vodka. Could there be an entrepreneurial endeavor that Jimmy Edmonds could care less about? Candles. You know this is like a Megan King Edmonds special. She's like, so I was like – the other day it was like Hanukkah and I was around a bunch of Jews and they were lighting all these candles.

And I thought, wouldn't it be cool if we had candles too? So like, why don't we have a candle shop? He's like, yeah, whatever. It's like,

I'm late for my flight. Yeah. You know, like Crabtree and Evelyn, it could be called like, like little Bush and Jimmy. Crab Bush and Evelyn. Yeah, whatever.

So Megan is doing this pretend cry thing, and she's like, Vicky, I mean, I'm so sorry. Like, I'm really sad, and I'm really mad at Tamara for being so reckless. Like, she had three lives in that dune buggy, okay? Like, three lives. There was, like, you and, like, like other people And you have people to live for She actually said that Yeah I'm like where did this Come from Megan she's like crying

Like sad and sobbing And of course she's Shifting the blame onto Tamara like making sure She's like well Tamara's she's basically saying Alright Tamara told me to go to hell Which means means she's going to start vilifying me. So I'm going to start vilifying her as soon as possible. Yes. And she's also thinking she's being nice to Vicky because Tamara and Vicky have been at

odds for so long. And Tamara's already tried turning everybody against Vicky, which Megan did the work last year. But come on, Tamara. Yeah. Tamara did the start. Tamara did the gay psychic. So I on tamra yeah tamra did the start tamra did the gay psychic so i say that's the first stone so then vicky of course if if anyone knows how to play a victim

it's vicky who's like well i don't know why it takes a near-death experience to have compassion oh god vicky who's in her neck brace on the couch with a giant thing of Kleenex. Like, did you get this mixed up with a cold? Like, do you need some chicken soup? I'm surprised you didn't have, like, an old French nun, like, tending to her with wet towels. It's like, I've got a leech on my butt. It's gonna get rid of my neck pain.

Get your diseases straight, Mickey. I know. And then she goes, I just was thinking I'm going to die by myself. No one wants to die alone. Is there two different dead people

who slaps for you? So she's ridiculous, and she says that thing about compassion. And Megan, you know, Megan's a pretty smart player this game and instead she does it a couple times this episode but instead of fighting with her or while her tears disappear right away which means she's about to fight but then instead she

stutters instead like i'm doing right now she's like uh but the uh but but it seems like i wasn't compassionate she's like uh yeah like heather said that you said she's your friend did not buy like why would i go and megan goes uh well it's because heather was going on with like this theatrical compassion like it was all a joke theatrical compassion yeah and then she gets smart and starts fake crying again she's like i'm so sorry vicky i really am i didn't know it was so serious i don't want to dwell on it but like i wasn't trying to be mean i swear and this is all vicky ever wants in life is for some young bitch to be crying and groveling at her feet yeah it's like well that's all everybody so now megan after you know megan to us is going yeah like i guess i owed her an apology but who wouldn't see the irony in me apologizing to her

i don't see the irony in there that's actually not irony so probably nobody nobody sees it but thanks for asking uh so then cut fitness time time, which is Tamara at Cut Fitness. And she's in a daze. She's lost her motivation. Like, batch. I was, like, all fine. And now, like, after that accident, like, I'm in a batch. I'm a different person now.

What a dance. You know, like, people used to say, are you an innie or an outie? And I would have an answer. And now I don't. And it's like, who am I, batch? To me, I was like, this is brilliant. You know why? Because I think we've all seen in any soap opera or nighttime soap that there's like the evil one.

And the evil one turns good. And it's strange. And they're good. And they're happy. And then there's like an accident. And they go through some sort of amnesia. And they become evil again. I'm like, this is what's happened with Tamara. she's in a daze she's like i don't remember

things like i have a vague memory of being dunked in a pool last year but i don't know why was that gina kiyo was she like trying to drown me batch once upon a tamra uh vicky oh vicky and heather come over all the girls like that side and everything yeah they all come over and they're like i brought you a gift in case you died bad chick but that died so you know but i do have pneumonia back issue baby cancer rates. I have disease. And well, Heather is first over and she's like, how are you doing Vicky?

Vicky's like, well, you know, I could be dead at any moment. Heather, Megan came by to say hi. She's like, what? What?

She came over. Should I do a map quest? Yeah. See how long that was. I love the Heather's like, it literally takes longer to go from Newport Heights to Cotter to Casa than it would have to go from

La Quinta to the hospital. And that's from map quests. Heather's way too angry. She's really angry. So you're mad that she didn't visit Vicky, but now you're mad that she took more effort. She was suggesting that she's doing it because now it's on camera, but wouldn't it have been on camera, too, if she had visited her in the hospital?

What's the diff? Well, I think it's probably – I can imagine being frustrated that here Megan is, like, saying, no, I'm not going to visit. Then she all of a sudden visits later, and it's like – it's just annoying behavior. It's just annoying. Well, she's with you, Heather. Super angry. So then Kelly and Tamara join them. Yeah, and Heather's like, you won't believe what just happened. Yes, Heather.

Heather was in such a tizzy this episode, and I kind of loved it. She was on a war path. It's like, wait till you hear the revisionist history. And so then Tamara's like, I just feel so guilty and we're gonna go to a spa next week like yay tamra is just doing the kyle richards get every free fucking thing you can she's like well we almost died sorry it was my fault let's go to a spa now in the central bay but he's like okay i'll go to the spa but make sure i'm not the first one there because i don't want to be alone where i could die alone oh and tamra is so mad she's like yeah and also i heard that megan is going around telling people i'm reckless like how could she say that i literally

caused a wreck okay why would she call me reckless? I'm wreckful. How dare she? Batch! So then it's like dinner time now. Now it's so Tamara meets up with Heather. It's basically like Heather, Tamara, Heather, Tamara, every scene. So Heather and Tamara meet up at the surf and sand of Laguna Beach

and and they get there and Tamra is still in this like the Jesus has been literally when they say knock the Jesus out of someone Tamra's had the Jesus knocked out of her and she's like I don't have an appetite I'm dizzy I'm forgetful like I'm without Jesus now and I don't know what to do with myself

like it's crazy batch I keep going Jesus and then he's like't know what to do with myself. Like, it's crazy. Batch. I keep going, Jesus! And then he's like, you know what I mean, Batch? Heather's like, no. I don't know what's going on. At least I'm still the hottest one in Orange County, right, Batch? So, um... I love that they're talking about their non-issues. Jennifer's like, I tweaked my album.

Like, I'm not hungry. And Heather goes, I have aches, too. Like, okay, you two. An ambulance is waiting outside, drama queen. Shannon comes in, and she knows what's waiting for her. Shannon, yeah, she's awkward. She knows this is going to be a problem. Her awkwardness was hilarious.

She's like, well, hello. It's a little chilly tonight, huh? Wow. So, guys. Tamara's like, chilly tonight, huh? Wow. Woo. So guys, Tamara's like, cheers to being alive, not to everybody,

it's a civil case, bitch. And Tamara's like, yes, well, cheers. Huh. I couldn't believe when I heard. She's looking back and forth and sipping slowly. She's like waiting

for the attack to come. She's like, I mean, I i mean it's such a stressful week i mean my house and furniture are in escrow and and are you gonna attack me yet are you gonna talk to me no no okay i'll continue heather's looking at her with raised eyebrows and like evil gerbil look just like pure gerbil anger is coming from uh heather and yes i don't know if you notice this but tamra's eyes and i love that you said she got jesus knocked out of her because her eyes are half closed now she's got like the evil garfield look going on in her eyes something

is physically changed on her face she looks different well it is like a horror movie you know it's like she got possessed by the devil all over again. And she goes and looks at herself in the mirror. And then she sees the back of her head in the mirror and is dead. She's like, what batch? This is a crazy batch. So Shannon gets into it. And she's like, well, I'm sorry about all that horrible stuff that happened.

I didn't even know until hole 39 at golf. I looked amazing. Should have seen my glasses. And that's like enough to get Heather to go off on Megan. You didn't even know until then. I can't believe it. Oh my goodness. Has she even called me to see if I'm okay? Yeah, Shannon goes. I don't

mean it. I don't think it was ill intent on her part. Well, has she called me? Does anyone care that I can't sleep at night? Yes, Heather. I went on to MapQuest that night. It wasn't even working anymore. Does anyone ever ask me how I feel about that? It's my favorite mapping tool.

Heather hasn't slept since she was called the C word in that Chinese restaurant. Who are we kidding? Or that Japanese restaurant. She's been called the C word. who we kidding or that Japanese restaurant so Tamara she Tamara doesn't let Heather do all the heavy listing she's like

I don't understand both of you like what are you mad now that Vicky's the victim Shannon are you mad at her for being the victim I didn't really understand that oh yeah like you can't be mad at her anymore because now she's a victim, I guess is what she said. Yeah, that's what she was saying.

She was mad that Vicky made herself a victim and likable. And Shannon hates that. Isn't that Tamara at the same time saying, like, are you mad that you have to be nice to her because she made herself a victim again? Tamara doesn't even understand how well she's describing her friend. Yeah. And her intentions. Well, then Shannon also has, like, this whole revisionist history herself. She's like, wow, if I had known how terrible the accident was,

I would have been there the very next morning. Now that I know the whole thing, mean i mean because that's the person that i am yeah i would be there for anyone just to show i'm a good person uh she also had a very good point when tamra's like are you sad that she's the victim shannon said what are you kidding me poor vicky and now poor vicky again when did she stop being a victim? Yeah. She's never stopped. And then Heather has my favorite attack, which is like, well, now that you know the whole story, I'm a little annoyed that you're not annoyed at Megan. And then Shannon's like, well, number one, she is hormonal. No, barely.

Barely, barely, barely even pregnant yet. I have 20 children and i'm fine it's not an excuse oh she has an empty chair at home that her child is asking about no well actually yeah i guess that's the thing that happened yeah it's weird to see heather so ready to jump down uh megan's throat when they were like the boring friends who bonded over their husbands who can barely stand them. If Heather has a chance to be self-righteous, she is going to jump at it. And God bless her. I was going to call it an about face, but there's really I just don't want to know about that face.

It's scary. Something is going on there. It needs its own bio and a playbill well heather is now saying she's like saying well when i see when i see megan next time if she tries to turn this around in front of me right to my face there is no turning back i'll tell you there's no turning back so i mean her claw hands like, really going full speed at that point. Yeah, she was making audible noises with her claw hands. Yeah. The waiter kept coming over, like, are you snapping?

No, I'm making a point! Alfredo, get out of here! Alfredo, I almost died! Where were you? Where were you, Alfredo? So, then we have like for like five seconds the booters are like okay let's step away for this for one

second and let's just enjoy Shannon doing something stupid Shannon walking around her house making a list doing inventory they want my furniture they're not gonna get the chachkis are they at the chachkis no no the chachkis are mine

we cut back over to another lunch because that's all they do on this show angry gerbil heather is sitting there ready to murder sleeping beauty she's ready to cut some glass use that cut glass to slip sleeping beauty's throat okay yeah so it's heather verse megan at maybe this is when they're at the serpent's hand i don't know where they are but this is oh yeah because the last one was at las brisas yeah so um so they're sitting down and megan is like she has sad face hashtag sad face on because she's sad and depressed i should be the happiest in my life but now i'm like the most depressed i've ever been heather's like why are you sad it's the worst that i've ever felt like i've been sad before but like i didn't even understand

sadness because now i just like want to die i want to go into like a sand pit it's just made of sad instead of sand. Oh, speaking of. Oh, geez. So how are you? I think I have post-traumatic stress disorder. Saying that totally seriously. Oh, chicken, I have it too. Did anyone tell you what the accident looked like?

It was scary. And it's just a long pause while megan looks at her like oh good here we're going and then heather who's not getting a fight completely looks confused she gets a confused look on her face as this pause goes on and it's just like well i hear that you're mad yeah megan knows how to play it and megan she is she's like well yeah i mean you hung up on me i mean come on now megan well she loves to take a petty thing and make it into the biggest injustice in the world but she's talking to heather who now has post-traumatic stress yeah like again how do you pick a winner between these two? Well, I had to hang up on you because I can't be on the phone and do MapQuest at the same time. I'm sure you would understand that.

I mean, that user interface almost got me killed, Megan. Sorry. All right, Waze then. Waze next time. I don't know what Waze is. I only do MapQuest. I do MapQuest too. Well, we should be friends instead of fighting.

This is ridiculous. So, Megan Megan's like, well, you guys were laughing and having beers. I didn't know it was so, I didn't know it was like such a big deal. And Heather goes, well, I thought it was rude. That was just rude. Megan's like, well, yeah, but like I was texting

and like no one communicated. And Heather goes, do you know how many drugs Vicky was on? Do you? Well, yeah, but, like, I was texting, and, like, no one communicated. And Heather goes, do you know how many drugs Vicky was on? Do you? Do you know what kind of drugs she was forced to take in that hospital? And she's like, no, because no one told me. Like, you guys didn't tell me that. And then Heather literally says, well, that's because you didn't even ask any of those questions. You were MapQuesting.

that's because you didn't even ask any of those questions. You were MapQuesting. We can't emphasize enough how often they mentioned MapQuest in this episode. I tried to convey how bad it was, and then you pushed me over the edge with MapQuest. And I didn't have a car to go up there. And Megan goes, yes, you did have a car, and You had a car take you home, so you could have gone. Which made me LOL because Heather is such a liar.

And then Heather doesn't even deny it. She just gets quiet and kind of does that lip-pursing thing where she's like, what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do now? So Megan is like, look, she obviously needs a fight. I'm not going to give it to her. So she just goes into the hole. I should have said earlier, like, look, she obviously needs a fight. I'm not going to give it to her. So she just goes into the hole. I should have said earlier, like, I'm really sorry. Like, I'm not as good of a friend as I should have been.

You're totally right. Like, it's going to be hard to eat this watermelon salad because, like, only good people should have watermelon. You know, it's like a treat in some countries. So I'm sorry. Well, I guess I can accept that. that means a lot to me and my green tea oh minty it was minty i apologize i appreciate that very much i really appreciate that this entire season is people apologizing to heather and nobody does anything to heather ever but by the way i have to say before

the apology when they were still fighting megan said to her that she was theatrical and patronizing and so heather goes oh so now i'm theatrical and patronizing i'm like yeah do you not realize that you just responded in a theatrical and patronizing way and also someone calling you theatrical is possibly the best compliment anybody could give you. Just because I'm a theatrical agent does not mean I'm theatrical. So, you're saying I patronize the theater? Well, you're right. Because if people don't support the arts, then they die.

Okay? Do you want them to die, Megan? Oh, keep patronizing the arts. Oh, good. God bless. You know, this show is so entertaining. It's so, so entertaining. It really is.

And I think Heather should win an award this year for the most times that she's made somebody come to lunch to apologize to her. I'm liking Heather this year. I have to say, you know, it's funny because every year everyone gets a different edit. And two years ago, like, Heather was quite possibly the worst person on Bravo. You know, when she was fighting with Shannon and it was just like, oh, Heather Dubrow, I hate her. And this year I just like how she just berates people and then makes them grovel to her in a way that's not the same way that vicky makes them grovel to her yeah i like her in that way that i'm glad she's on the show i don't want her to get fired but god she's an insufferable human being she's just terrible

but it is fun to watch her yeah i don't like her her storylines but i like when she is dragged into a situation and she gets she berates people because it's just you know everything it all depends on the dynamic of the season and and you know where it was two years ago it was there was no megan king edmunds there was no kelly dot but now that there is megan and there is a kelly you know there's like these like trashy younger women on there who need to be berated so i'm all for it oh heather keep it coming claw hands keep it coming so i just wanted to mention really quick that there was botched by nature there was a botched by nature episode after this for whatever reason ugly aka just ugly just ugly

oh and i didn't watch it but they were like like, today, I'm botched by nature. And they show this guy with, like, a tree trunk nose or something. God bless his heart. And he's talking about how difficult it is and stuff. And Paul is just looking at him while he's listening, looking like he's going to start. Or, no, he looked like he was grossed out. And then there was this girl who was a conjoined twin, but they got cut apart, and now she has a weird butt. Now I feel bad for saying ugly. Now I feel bad. I thought it was people who just looked ugly i didn't think it was people who had

like were born with like no it was like kind of facial disfigurement stuff so uh then there's like a conjoined twin well i said facial but like it's a conjoined twin but conjoined at the face and she has like a messed up butt and terry is looking at her like he's just gonna start cracking up i was like these are the least sensitive doctors I've ever seen and I can't believe I don't watch a show every day. I am so glad I did not see that. I do not like plastic surgery shows. They are so disgusting to me just because I don't like watching the surgery

and all that stuff. I'm glad. They were going into someone's nose with a hammer and a pick this time. They're like, well, if we mess up, they could never breathe again or I could hit her in the orb, which is the eye. Literally disgusting. Yeah, literally.

Literally disgusting. And now for the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Yes. So, New Jersey, as boring as OC is fun. This one was called Driving Miss Ziggy.

So I was really hoping that she was going to have like a Bethany type to ride her around. She could just complain about Josh and I would kiss the lover. I grew up in a bomb shelter. Or that she'd be in more than two scenes. Oh, poor Siggy. Well, she started today by doing a scene with her kid where they're packing because you're going off to Jewish Federation camp. Sophie, you're going to Jewish Federation trip. Okay.

You're going to learn about your heritage because Saba was a Holocaust survivor. Did you know about that? Did you know about that? Joshua! Joshua's home. Let's go down to the foyer. Joshua! Yo, we're missing tradition from our family. It's like the most boring version of Fiddler on the Roof ever. Who wants to go to a fiddler without tradition, am I right, Sophie?

Put your computer away. Can you go one second without your computer? We didn't have computers in the bomb shelter. Come to think of it. We didn't have computers in the bomb shelter. Come to think of it, we didn't have many Jews to date either. That's why you're going to Federation camp. Is this my little computer I plugged in? Is this my little computer I bought? You know, Sova, you know why he survived the Holocaust?

Because at that time there were no cell phones ringing. Otherwise he would have been caught and totally thrown in the shower. Put away the electronics. She's like, put it away, Sophie. So the big news is they go running downstairs. She literally is like talking about, you know, Saba. Wait, you be Josh. You be Joshua. I'm going to be singing for a second.

You know, Saba was a Holocaust survivor. You know, he was in the camps there and he escaped into the other country. And then you're supposed to yell. singing for a second. You know, Saba was a Holocaust survivor. You know, he was in the camps there, and he escaped into the other country. And then you're supposed to yell. Get me a car. Joshua! We'll talk about the Holocaust later. Joshua's home. Hey, I'm not getting you a car.

You know what Frankie did to his mother when he got a car? He booked! You know what Frankie did to his mother when he got a car? He booked! And then Josh is just sitting there staring at her yap on and on while he's eating an apple like a crazy person. Did you notice how he was eating his apple? It was weird. He wasn't taking deep bites.

He was taking little rabbit bites. Eating all the way around the edge. But you know what? But you know what? He can eat an apple any way he wants because I love him so much. These kids and the green apples. You think I had an apple when I was their age? No, I had the Smurf collection. That was my favorite thing.

They already have 17,000 times more than what I had growing up. All I had was a Smurf collection. So next up is. Which, by the way, I totally get, Sig ciggy because when i was a kid i quit little kids soccer because it meant that because i couldn't watch the smurfs because we had practice on saturday mornings that's when the smurfs were so i was like mom dad i don't really like soccer can i stay home they're like okay sure but i really did it because of smurfs and if i had stayed in soccer i could have been a jock oh oh ben dreams dreams missed dreams missed all i could have been had i stayed in soccer a jock ah but instead i stayed home with my smurf collection and now you're a

fantasy football jock that's right all right so then we go over to Dolores, and I immediately start cracking up because Dolores is on the phone calling her ex. She's like, hey, Frank, where's your son? Where's your son? I haven't seen him forever. You know, he drove out. You know, it's like I'm all alone here. It's like I'm an empty house. You know, first this boo died, and now there's no Frankie.

Like, what am I supposed to do? I got the gym over here. Like, what am I supposed to do, Frank? Don't give him any kind of a curfew he's a growing boy what what do you know about curfew frank huh you haven't been home in 16 years i just love that any conversation about anything is a chance for dolores to reiterate the entire situation that she's in and has been in for the past 17 years yeah you know you know i got a new light bulb you know you know in the beginning you know we never used to have to i never used to have to change the light bulbs you know i i'm just you know i'm just very dependent on men and that's

something i've been raised with my first man husband you know he always changed the light bulb my then my fiance like i mean oh god he made the first man look like an amazing light bulb changer then he wouldn't even touch the light bulb but i wouldn't touch it so we were just in the dark for a year we're in the dark and i said you know what i can't do this i'm going back to my first husband. She goes on and on. By the way, her hair and makeup, she's, like, ready to do some kind of a beauty pageant in her bathrobe. It's weird to think.

And then her son comes home. Frank. Frank Jr. She's like, Frank, where you been? Like, I've been here all alone. Like, do you think this is easy for me? Like, the kitchen's not even done. I'm here alone.

Like, you don't even help me. He's like, Ma, stop pretending I don't help you. Like, I don't help you. What, are we going to move a couch? I was out with. Like, you don't even help me. He's like, ma, stop pretending I don't help you. Like, I don't help you. What, are we going to move a couch? I was out with my friends. We don't even have a kitchen. Oh, God. Now you've got to bring up the kitchen. You don't call.

You don't call. You don't say where you were. You don't help. Are you eating with your friends? What were you eating? What sort of food were you eating? You didn't tell me what sort of food you're eating. I don't know what to buy for the groceries.

Because what if you already ate it already? And then, you know, it's like, boo, and you're hurting my feelings. You're my little shadow. Why aren't you my little shadow anymore what and boo and boo and boo this kid is kind of a douche sorry he's kind of a douchebag and you can tell because of his days of our lives eyebrows nobody talks like that his eyebrows did you notice he's always posing his eyebrows in a different way he's like mom well it's jersey it's like that jersey like a guido metrosexual thing that's just but – but I also feel bad for him.

Like how is he supposed to be raised normally when he's got a mom? Like I feel like I'm losing touch with you. I feel like I'm losing touch. I'm all alone. I need my shadow. I need my shadow. I mean talk about codependency. That kid has an asshole face.

And when your mom buys you that nice of a car and puts you up, you can call your mother. Call your mother. Call your mother. You know, I didn't always have a phone. You know, 17 years ago, I didn't have a phone. I was a police detective. I only had a walkie-talkie. People could only reach me on a walkie-talkie, you know? But now I've got a phone, and now no one calls me. Like, this is my life. This is my life right now.

You know how it makes me feel? It makes me feel unloved. Like, when I was with my fiancée. Oh, God, my fiancée made me think about Frank. I mean, Frank was good. Frank would call me all the time. But now I'm dependent on Frank calling me, and now no one calls me except about Frank. I mean, Frank was good. Frank would call me all the time. But now I'm dependent on Frank calling me. And now no one calls me except for Frank. I don't know. I got my gym. I don't know.

Oh, this Dolores. He's like, shut up. Let's just move the couch. So Tree, Joe, and the lawyer. A nice little family. This lawyer's makeup and hairline. Oh, my goodness. Hey, James, you want an espresso?

You want an espresso? Yeah, you want an espresso? You want an espresso? Yeah, you want an espresso? You want an espresso? Espresso. The Long Island Espresso. The Below Deck Syndrome. Deloria's like, so, Joe, it's almost time. How you feeling?

I just want to go in there, you know, mind my own business, get it overweight. That's it. You know, I've been practicing with D dildo you know so uh you know i'm ready for it you saw it it can't be too big of a jump between between a finger and my ass and you know okay i'll just make sure it's a white guy first you know what i'm saying because i'm a nice guy yeah you got a tendency to be too nice joe yeah that's that's a very diplomatic way of saying it he's basically like listen joe you hang out with schmucks all the time, and they get you into trouble, and you get them into trouble. So stop hanging out with schmucks, and when you're in jail, there are going to be schmucks everywhere, so stop hanging out with them.

They give me blowjobs, right? They give me blowjobs, those schmucks, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I should hang out with the schmucks. Got it. No, no, no. Don't hang out with the schmucks. All right.

Hang out with the white supremacists. No, Joe. Use some judgment. All right. Don't use my judgment., got it. No, no, no. Don't hang out with the schmucks. All right. You know, hang out with the white supremacists. No, Joe. Use some judgment. All right. Don't use my judgment. I got it. You know, the schmucks. They're the ones with the drugs.

They're the ones that's going to be raping people. You don't want a part of that. He's like, what's their names? What's their names, these guys? You got their number? You got their number? Huh? So then.

Last week, that schmuck you were hanging out with, that nut! Like, oh, this lawyer has some balls making fun of some mafia guy like that. Yeah. I wouldn't be coming on TV. That guy is known to overreact. Yeah. I would stay away from him, Mr. James. And Teresa's like, yeah, you know, he's got to be good in there.

He's got to be street smart like me. I was real street smart at camps. The lawyer's like, yeah, she got to know herself. Like with the yoga, you remember tree? And he's like, yeah, it'll be good for my liver. So then we go over to the Gorga's house where guess what? It's another

crazy scene of Joe Gorga being Mr. Mom. good lunch for the kids and melissa goes like oh honey i like this is not what you're supposed to be doing like i'm not you know we need to talk in the movie theater because you know like i can't be making lunches i'm missing out on contracts and they have this whole totally staged scene where they're having a fake argument you know you can always tell oh man i a man! I'm a woman! I'm a man! I'm a woman! This is like a really bad comedy night. Hey, Joe, you hear

what you just said? You put a house to put me into? You hear that? Like, I don't want to be put into a house. I'm a woman. I get bored, but I'm a man. I'm a woman! Hire a babysitter. Yeah, exactly. I don't want no man to be raising my babies. How is that any worse than Melissa, for Christ's sake?

Yeah. What's your argument here? Yeah, exactly. And how's that recording studio down in the basement treating you? What are you guys using that room for these days? Yeah, just wait for her to get tired of it. Stop fighting. But this whole thing, people really are arguing a lot over this on the internet.

Like, well, I see where he's coming from. That's not what he married. Like, he wanted a wife to take care of the kids. Like, people are really getting into it online. And I agree with that to a degree. Yes, of course she should be able to have her own life and have a job and all this. But he did build it for her. So no matter what she says, it's not like she's out there doing it on her own.

And B, she has to do that when the kids aren't home. I mean, she can't just expect him to miss all these humongous deals that is money that's paying the rent if he's actually missing options and stuff if anyone believes if anyone believes for one second that melissa is showing up at a boutique to work and that he is staying home to not do his work i'm sorry you. You are mistaken because this is all fabricated so that way they can have a story.

She maybe shows up maybe a fraction of the amount of time that Dolores goes to her gym. He is going to work. She's making everything. These are just scenes that are honestly designed for their arc this season. It is all contrivance.

And, might I my ad designed poorly designed very poorly so i mean we're seeing the same scene yeah fuck really you know i've always i've always been a defender of the gorgas but they are really terrible this season yeah joe's still hot even with his crazy crack always always hot always hot so now, Nick and Tree, play date. Play date time, which was nice. Actually, this was cute because Melania was very nurturing to Nicholas, and it was like the softer side of Melania. After so many years, we finally got to see the softer side of her. Oh, Melania. I think she's always soft.

She shaved her dad's back, for Christ's sake. That's true. It was really cute. dad's back for christ's sake that's true it was really cute melania was was like hanging out with nicholas and and she actually was very sweet and nurturing and the best part is that they would cut to gabriella and she was like sitting on a couch nearby being like i want to go home yeah it's like yeah melania understands oxysm like she has, like, her sister can't even walk. And, like, Melania helps him. And, like, I mean, she pushes the wheelchair into the traffic.

But still, it's funny, huh, Melania? Melania's like, hey, Nicholas, do you want to go to the supermarket and sit in the salads? You want to warm some sushi with the ass cracks nick melania's like a little joe i mean she's real nice until she gets drunk and even then she doesn't mean it uh so then um and so the it's i mean it's like a nothing scene because basically it's like theresa and jack jacklin be like hey remember when we were fighting? Ah, this is so much better. We're not fighting. Yay. Stupid. And then we go over to

Melissa still pretending she's doing stuff. She's like, oh my god, I have to throw away someone's Starbucks cup. And Siggy comes over. She's like, oh, you know what? You know what? You still love each other. That's all. And Melissa's like, I want, I just, you know, Joe wants the fairy tale.

You still have the fairy tale. You're just on different chapters now. People who think there's no bumps in the roads have roads where people speed down and kill children. That's what happens. You need a bump in the road. Otherwise, it's not a road. It's a freeway. Who wants to have a marriage?

It's a freeway. Am I right, kid? I don't know what you're saying, but. You know, it could be worse. All right. It could be worse. Your son could decide not to talk to you anymore. Your son could decide to get into a car and drive away and leave his mother behind with nothing but a Smurf collection.

Okay. Marriage is like a car. You don't put gas in it. It's not going to move. If you put too much gas in it, it's going to leak stinky juice all over you. You're going to feel like it's a stinky winter in the middle of the night. You know what I'm saying, Melissa? It's like, no.

No. You know what? Love is like a car. You put gas into it, and next thing you know, you're driving over trash can lids. Am I right? So did you notice that when she arrived at Melissa's, she's dinging on the front doorbell, but that damn doorbell don't even work. Melissa's house is so ghetto, okay? We've already seen that the granite countertops are made from, like, theatrical granite that crumbles apart.

It's like foam from Home Depot that's faux painted. Oh, Lord. She doesn't have a thing that works so she has to walk around the mall house to come in through the back door and she finds like some unpaid capital one bill from 20 years ago it's like i found this it was at the front door and here i am at the back door crazy you know it's like life when you can't go in the front door sometimes you go into the back door either way you still get in the house and then you talk about your son joshua who you love so much oh my god i wish i could touch his ass right

now it comes from a place of love though melissa a place of love i only let joe come in the back door on birthdays and christmas personally i like how melissa is also complaining about joe's joe gorga's expectations of her she's like well you know i'm not gonna just sit here and eat bonbons all day i'm like are you kidding me that would be my dream if i could sit somewhere and eat nothing but bonbons that'd be i'd be set like i'm done i'm i'm set for life complaining about rosie dolores kathy and rich now rich is smart and leaves the scene early yes most likely because he forgot his lipstick and he will not do a scene without it. And Dolores

shows up and Dolores does an exact impersonation of our impersonation. She really did. I just wrote Cuban. Yeah. Cuban. I mean, she literally comes in and says, you know, I've been trying to drop by, but I've been so busy with the renovations and I got the gym over here and then there's Boo and you know, it's like

I got some new coupons for Sunday Circular and I gotta use the coupons. If I don't use to drop by, but I've been so busy with the renovations. And I got the gym over here and then there's boo. And, you know, it's like I got I got some new coupons for Sunday Circular. And I got to use the coupons. If I don't use the coupons, then like, what am I going to serve for Frankie? And Frankie's never going to call me. He's like, where's the where's the dinner, Ma? And I'm like, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out the coupons. What are we going to get for dinner?

And I got the gym to work out the food from the coupons. I know it's a lot. And then Kathy's just looking at her like, I'm the most boring person on this franchise. And even I want you to leave. Yeah. Kathy's like,athy's like you know all this talk about how your son won't call you is great my daughter's brain tumor came back so oh my god now kathy's personality really like we've seen flashes of the kathy the real kathy

when she's not pretending to be this nice little Kathy, which got her fired. I don't think Kathy's pretending at all. I think Kathy is nice. I don't think so. And this is why. First impressions. Do you remember that baby shower where it all went to shit? And then Kathy was like, who leaves their baby just alone like that? Which she's right.

But Kathy has always been anti. And then she gets really nice until she gets really pissed. And I think that she's, I don't know. I think she hides it with her. has always been anti and then she gets really nice until she gets really pissed and i think that she's i don't know i think she hides it with her i don't really believe her like sweet nice little kathy i like this raging kathy and i'm not glad at what made her you know so upset because her daughter is going through real obvious heartbreaking shit so i don't like that that had to happen but i really like this kathy i that's what i'm saying i like it too and i don't like that that had to happen, but I really like this Cathy. That's what I'm saying. I like it too, and I don't think that they are mutually exclusive. I think that Cathy is nice, and I think that she tries to be understanding, and I think she gets frustrated with Teresa because how could you not?

The woman is like a brick wall, and Teresa is always like, you don't care about family. You don't care about family. You don't care about family. You don't care about family. You don't care about family. And here's a situation where her daughter, you know, poor Victoria, her brain tumor came back, had to come out. And she just and that very day she fainted twice or whatever. I mean, awful. And I feel so terrible for what Kathy and Rich have to go through. Yeah. And probably does not get a phone call from Tree.

And so, of course, she's at her limit. Like, you know, you know, like she's going through something very serious. And Teresa is still going to act like a bitch to her, you know? So I was like, yes, Kathy, you get mad. You deserve to get mad. Yeah. Well, Kathy was pissed off. Of course, Dolores.

She's like, yeah, you know, all this going on. And, you know, there was the book party. And I was really excited for you guys to finally meet Frank because he'd never met Frank, you know, because, like, he's not there all the time. Like, sometimes he's there. Sometimes he's with his other wife. I don't care. Like, the first house was great. Second house was okay.

But then the third house, like, I'm all alone there. And I'm like a new kitchen, you know what I mean? Like, I just wanted you to meet him, is all I'm saying. But then I didn't even see you there. Where were you? Were you upstairs? The dessert thing? Were you outside?

Were you in the jumpy house? Which party? What a party. What a great party. And they're like, we weren't invited. You should come over here. I'm over the couches. We got to move some couches around.

You want to come to that? because maybe if you come to the couch you can meet frank or maybe you can meet frankie i don't know maybe give me both the franks i mean that means they have to call me back but not like they would ever do that i mean they're probably talking about hanging out with maz at the gym oh god maz huh i owe him an apology let me tell you something about that huh and then they're like well we weren't invited and rosie's like yeah you know the first time we saw her was at your party. Then we see her mouth opening. I don't know what the hell, Teresa.

Are we family, Teresa? What's going on here? We going to be family? And then Kathy's like, yeah, I just wanted to be honest. Like, if you're not going to want to ever be our family again, just say, I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to be part of your life yeah just tell us to our face you gotta say i don't want to how many times has she told you to your fucking face people she doesn't want you in her life i mean i theresa's an awful human being but she has told you to your face multiple times. What are you talking about? And at this point, really, is it really worth wanting to have Teresa in your life? No.

You know, she committed fraud. She'd still like to act like, I just have to pay attention to words more. You know, maybe it's a sign. Maybe you'd be better off without trying to get Teresa back into your life. And I actually like Kathy and Rosie, and I feel awful sticking up for Teresa but name a time that you've called her when the show wasn't shooting well I don't know because they never mentioned one every time they mention it it's like well I texted her when I heard about her book I texted her when I you know about that party like the when they seem to want to make an effort is

when they need to be on the tv or they want to be on the tv show you know yeah I mean I don't know I just don't know but um no I just don't know all I know is that boo you know um so now we go to a really unpleasant scene of tree and joe uh getting some sort of yoga time massage in a rose petal room and and tree this is basically they're talking about like joe going away and then and tree is still like talking about how like calling it camp or whatever and joe's like you know tree they know where you were all right yeah yeah they know because i told them i i was at work because i was writing a book about prisons so jesus i love that like she's some sort of like investigative reporter

she's like the new tom wolf writing writing a insider story it's like look look they they know the same way that i got a sex life they got the internet okay they got no kids these days they got computers like what are you gonna do like so what who cares okay they know you was in jail she's like uh uh huh huh huh yeah they know what yeah they know they know you've been in prison uh huh poor tree theresa you really think they don't know? Even the little one knows. Teresa, they literally visited you in prison. You were behind bars.

They figured it out. Mommy's taking notes. That's why I have fingers bleeding. Right with my finger. Don't worry, kids. Mommy's got some new fashion interests. That's why she's wearing all orange. That's all.

Kids, I've been working on my first chapter. It says, this is dedicated to my child, Gia Melania. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. Stupid truth. This is so funny because they're getting this romantic massage.

There's rose petals all over the room. And Joe goes, hey, she gave me turkey bacon. So don't don't stretch me too hard. So Dolores goes to work. Oh, my God. Oh, Lord. I love this. It's like it's like it's like a it's like an origin story for the next episode of Shark Tank.

So she goes to work. Maz is there, and he's all mad. She's like, all right, all right, get the poison out. Come on, get it out. Get it out now because I'm still – I got to move some couches later today. Frankie's not calling me back. Boo's dead. They're putting some new tiles.

There's a renovation. Frank, I don't know. I mean Frank is doing Frank, but I mean it's better than my fiance. I mean, oh, god, he makes Frank look like an angel. But then there's my new house, and the house doesn't have electricity. So come on, Mass. Give it to me. Mass looks completely – he looks like Bow Wow. He looks like he's someone that you're not ever going to be able to defeat until you jump on his head in the right place three times.

He's this huge guy. He's a Bow Wow. I was thinking like the rapper. Do you think I look Bow Wow? He's this huge guy. I was thinking like the rapper. Yeah, he's not scary. Which, by the way, we had an episode pun from that a few weeks ago. Oh, yeah, we did. Lil Bow Wow. Whatever. So Mads is like, you put Boo down?

I'm about to put you down bitch i'm sorry yeah yeah what can i tell i've had excuses with you i'm not gonna have any excuses what more is there to say you want to know what more there is to say kitchen tiles difficult more difficult than you would think i've been having to think this kitchen tile that kitchen tile laminate stone like what am i supposed to do man he's like get this goddamn work we need to come up with ideas because in here we got guys we need some of your types of women's to come in here you know like you well all right okay i have an idea lipstick he's like no okay by the way the music at this point starts to get like all like like like okay the ideas are coming future's happening the music's

like all like whoo here comes like real interesting like innovation and she's just like yeah lipstick it's like ladies night so you know what i wanted when i was in the middle house before i came back to this house which was the first house but now totally different emotionally i was thinking god i wish i had somewhere to go like a a gym. Like maybe a Zumba class. Ladies' night out. What every woman thinks of. He's like, all right. Yeah.

These are the ideas that we need. This is what's going to make us a huge success. All right. So we're going to give free passes to the ladies on the weekends. Yeah. Great. That won't lose us any money whatsoever. Yeah.

Friday, Saturdays, and Sundays. Since when is Sunday's ladies' night? I mean, what the hell? All right, I got another one. Okay, I'm thinking right now. Okay, new idea. All right. Women come in here.

We have a room, and we just invite other members of the gym who are men to come in and renovate it for them. Okay, and every week we just renovate to something else. All right, all right, I like it. I like it. All right, all right. And then how about this? Okay, on Saturday nights, Frank comes over, and the women just ask Frank to do things for them. All right, I like it. I like it. All right, all right. And then how about this? Okay, on Saturday nights, Frank comes over, and the woman just asks Frank to do things for them. All right, I love it.

I love it. All right, what about this? Okay, here's what I'm seeing. Sunday, we get all the ladies from the neighborhood who were possibly feeling like I was when I had a family but kind of didn't family, but was appreciating the family that I had and trying not to cry in front of my family. And we get them all in a Zumba class, but there's no Zumba. The trick is they all have their cell phones and all of the sons call them. And then they're happy.

And then everything's solved. Great. Yeah, these are the ideas that we need. These are the sort of ideas that speak to your gender. I love it. Yeah, it's like, great, I'll be taking a dump. Don't leave. All right.

Great, the gym's solved. Don't leave. All right. Great. The gym solved. So then Melissa and all her sisters and her brother-in-law, probably soon to be ex-brother-in-law because he just was caught in a sexting scandal. They come over for family dinner. It was nice.

You know, they make meatballs and pasta. And it's like, yay, it fixed everything. Now Melissa and Joe are fixed because she made dinner. She's like yay it fixed everything now melissa and joe are fixed because she made and she's telling her mom yeah you know he's so old-fashioned you know i just want my own career and her mom's like well you don't need to work like ma you're supposed to be supportive look what happened to daddy with you you know he died and you had nothing she's like oh my god that's a little low melissa i didn't think it was low she's basically saying i like i well she's like listen i go to the ramona school of independence you never want to be dependent on a man for something that you could do on your own okay

mom's crying and she's like well i had kids and I stayed home because that's what you did in those days. You got married and you stayed with your husband. Even if he was a complete asshole, you stayed. And that's what I did. Like the scene needs to stop. It's making me sad. And then Joe got a meatball. So there you go.

And he's like, yeah, well, you know, I don't want her to go to work because now later she's going to say, I'm tired. You know what I mean, buddy? He's like, I just took a picture of my dick in your bathroom. Can I get on your Wi-Fi? It's too big to send over T-Mobile. Get it? So then it's like, meanwhile, in Manhattan, Siggy is taking Joshua out for a birthday dinner and she's going out with Joshua's father and his new wife. And they're all having a giant porterhouse, which by the way, the porterhouse looked absolutely amazing.

So they're talking and once again Joshua feels like his privacy has been invaded. And so Siggy's like, invaded? I don't think so. He spends ten hours a day on his Xbox. I don't know why I wrote that down. I think I just was writing down anything Siggy says because I think it's all funny. Mom just rubs my thigh and then she comes in and she just rubs my butt.

Like, it's disgusting. Please tell her to stop. It's like, you know why I do that? Because I care! That's why you went to him. Like, what am I supposed to do? Not go in there and rub his thigh? I rub his thigh because I can't! You understand that, don't ya? And they're like, yeah.

His dad's like, uh, well maybe you should stop molesting him and just, I don't know, maybe let him have his phone at dinner table. Well, maybe if I still have my Smurf playset, maybe I'd have something else to molest, but I don't, so I have Joshua instead. He sort of looks like Brainy Smurf, does he not?

Have you ever noticed how every time Joshua starts to complain, he gets kicked in the butt and lands somewhere about 15 yards away? Jeez, these cell phones, they're like Sheila Smurf. It's like everyone has to touch them at all times. You know what, Joshua? It's time to become a man, and you start walking on the Smurf. It's like everyone has to touch him at all times. You know what, Joshua?

It's time to become a man and you start walking on the Smurfberry Dam, okay? So this nice car comes – what kind of car was this that drives that? It looked like it was – so it looked like it was perhaps a Jeep and it had like a matte black finish. It was really, really nice. black finish. It was really, really nice. And after all her talk about not getting him a car, Siggy, of course, gets him this amazing

SUV. But of course, she's like, you know what? I would rather be a mother who spoils her son than a mother who wasn't there. Like there's no middle ground. Yeah. May you drive over many trash can lids for the rest of your life.

I could spoil my children, or I could have just left when they were babies and put them on a doorstep somewhere. Like those are your choices in life. La, la, la, la, la, la. Joshua. La, la, la, la, la, la. Stop touching my ass, Mom.

Sorry. Joshua, I just want you to know that when you're of age, I'm going to buy you a very special house in the shape of a mushroom. So next up, we're over at the Bams and Nobles for Teresa's book signing. And I didn't really write much about this except Teresa signing everybody's books is cracking me up. She's got this big sharpie and she's like, to my handsome brother, I love

you. You're the first BJ I ever gave. Love tree. Dear Melissa, you're a stupid bitch but you're my stupid bitch. Love tree. It's like, geez. Greeting cards. Next stop on the tree you're a stupid bitch but you're my stupid bitch love Teresa like jeez greeting cards next stop on the tree train well I also love

Dolores and Jackie driving to the to the signing and of course Dolores is talking about Kathy and Teresa and she Dolores goes well guess what you ready I don't know if you're ready for this it's getting resolved tonight

because they're coming they're ready for this. It's getting resolved tonight. Because they're coming. They're coming. They're coming for this tonight, okay? You know, it's like when I had my first couch, I was like, well, I don't know what to do with this couch. And then Frank came over and said, guess what? This couch issue is getting resolved tonight. But it never did. And I had a new fiancé, and we never talked about the couch. But now it's my third house, getting the couch fixed, because you know what? It's a new me, new couch, new layout, layout new tiles and that's what's getting done okay jackie's like wait so what's getting resolved rosy tree and

kathy no my couch wait you bring your couch the book signing yeah i want i want tree to sign it then we'll find someplace for it to live oh god so jackie is kind of trying to be nice about it in the front scene she's like well i think how tree feels about it is that but nobody can really explain tree's side because it's always ridiculous so they uh jacqueline and loris get there and she's like oh hi hey let's take a selfie together and the lawyer is just kind of watching on jerking off through his pants pocket and notice that Jackie does not mention that Kathy and Rosie are on their way which yeah you know like who cares but in Housewives this really matters yeah it's a huge betrayal why don't you give me the heads up and then of course joe gorga and joe judice are talking

about prison you ready to go in you ready to go in and just like yeah what you gonna do i mean the music's all slow and sad like this is a serious moment i'm like i'm over the prison shit like i'm sick of this we have to move on we don't care like just send him off already we don't have to prolong this whole like oh the the trials and tribulations of joe judas the fraudulent you know land developer like please just send him off already hilarious he's like this is this is really tiring like you gotta sit here like you gotta take pictures joe's rough life sitting in a chair at barnes and noble it's like his hardest thing. And he goes, yeah, I'm ready to get it over with. Like, what can you do?

Like, I'm just looking at it like I'm going into the military. You know what I mean? Yeah, except that you're not serving anybody, Joe. You understand that people who go into the military, like, defend the country and are kind of heroes, right? Like, I'm a war hero in my mind, basically. Like, I'm going to come out with like one of them pink hearts, you know? And he's also

very convinced that he's going to come out looking amazing, and I'm not so sure that's going to happen. Yeah, I think that's going to be a rough one. Yeah, it's going to be a rough one. His fat is too hard. I don't think it's going to leave. Like, there's some way thatian men have this hardening of the fat which is hotter

for them i mean they're lucky it's not flabby like some of us like they've got hard fat which is hot but i don't think you can just lose the hard fat as easily yeah that's my theory well he's also of a certain age where it just gets harder and harder, and I just don't know. But then Kathy and Rosie show up, and they're super awkward with Teresa. She's like, oh, hi. And they're like, hi. Oh, my God. Hi. You want to take a picture?

And then Kathy's like, so did you get my text? And she's like, I don't know. Maybe. I don't know. I got a new phone. And like, I think I I think I blocked in the last one, but I didn't like when this one. But I want to pretend. Oh, did I say that loud?

Sorry. Yeah. Like, I don't know. But like, if I got it, I would have returned it because I always answer my text. I don't like to leave people hanging. So then so then Rosie is like, hey, Tree, let's get dinner. Let's get a lunch. I just love that.

Let's have a lunch. What do you think about that, Tree? Just the three of us. She's like, well, you know, books are so great. Reading is good for the kids. She's like, Teresa, lunch, just an hour. One hour. Well, you know, the thing is I don't know how to tell time.

So I don't know. I don't know if that's really smart for me to commit to something I don't understand. I cannot believe Teresa didn't just say yes. And then just back out of it. She goes, yeah, well, my time is precious, you know. And they're like, well, you know, everyone's time is precious, Tariq. Yeah, but mine more than most people's. Because Joe, you know. So, like, my time is more precious, you know, everyone's time is precious, Tree. Yeah, but mine more than most people's. Because Joe, you know.

So, like, my time's more precious, you know. No. What an asshole answer. It was so asshole. And it's like, oh, this is the Teresa that we know and love or don't love. And they were like, just an hour. They're like, you can bring anyone. Bring Joe.

Like, no, no, it's all good. It's all good. No, it's all good. Yeah, so, like, we don't even need to talk about it. We're all good it's all good no it's all good yeah so like we don't even need to talk about it we're fine we're all good like just stop like no no no no we should go you and joe it's like nah we're good everything's good you're all good you're all good okay if you need me i will be there for you and kathy goes yeah but you gotta let people be there for you too i'm sorry did we miss a a moment where Kathy was trying to be there for Teresa?

Yeah, I know. Come on. But at the same time, though, Teresa has such a grudge against them. That's so over the top. You know, she's like, I'm sorry if I don't want to have lunch with people who say mean things about me. And then, like, they show the clip of Teresa's aunt being like, well, you know, if you do bad things, you're going to go to prison. Which is, by the way, not a terrible thing to say

and totally true. So Teresa has to get over that. But she also said, but they never reached out to me when I was away. Now, that could be true, but I don't really see Kathy or Rosie being letter writers.

We know that Teresa only had a list of like three people that were allowed to come see her. And it's not like she had a cell phone. So who are they supposed to reach out to exactly? Yeah. I'm not really sure. So I'm not sure who's side to be on.

It's a housewives show. So no, I, I tend to always side with Kathy and a Kathy versus Teresa situation because I think that Kathy is a little smarter. And, uh, I think Teresa is is still while she has improved this season she still is like very delusional and self-involved so anyway so then

rosie goes and apologizes to joe which was totally unnecessary because he's going to jail soon anyway and she's like you know i was uh sad because you know i miss you and you know i wanted to have a drink with your new years and you know i didn't get that chance. So I got drunk and I said some things and, you know, I just apologized for it, which was fine. Joe's like, hey, you know, we can do it. It's fine. Yeah, don't worry about it. And then Joe immediately goes over to Teresa and is like, ah, Rosie just said something stupid, real stupid. You know, forget about her.

Like, Joe, you can't say it's fine and then go complain about it. Well, because Rosie is doing that thing where she's not getting attention from the person she loves so she's trying to misbehave to get attention but then he doesn't even pay attention to that so then she does the emotional thing of apologizing but he still doesn't care and i mean look he used you while his wife was gone to be his best friend. Now his wife is back, and he dumped you. It sucks. And it happens to everybody who's friends with somebody who's coupled. Absolutely.

Been there. Been there. I get that she's upset, but expecting Joe to care is, I don't know. I think that he's just uncomfortable with her doing it on camera. He's like, what the hell? I'm supposed to cry with you on camera now? Come on. And he goes, your cousin came over and said something stupid about New Year's.

New Year's was fun. People need to get a life. You weren't with them on New Year's. Yeah. Teresa. The people on this show, seriously. So stupid. But I love Rosie.

And I don't like to see her sad. i don't really they're just trying they don't like it's not like maybe rosie can find it in her heart but kathy doesn't like theresa she's never liked her they didn't like each other when they started this show and you know rich and his big ass mouth is always making fun of theresa yeah they i think kathy and rosie need to just move on you know like Teresa. I don't know. Yeah, I think Kathy and Rosie need to just move on. You know, like, Kathy, you don't have to pander to Teresa. Teresa is a disaster.

Everyone knows. Everyone agrees. She's pretty much a terrible person. And even if she's not a terrible person, she's just very dumb, okay? There's no need to pander to her. People like you guys. people respect you guys at least more than theresa so honestly just do you okay you do you like what do you win at that lunch like you go to lunch with theresa and then either you're going to talk about past drama or you're

going to talk about something new and all theresa is going to say is my butt that's it that's like literally all she knows how to talk about. So you don't win anyway. Stop playing. Yeah, absolutely. So Rosie's like, I cried four times this week. And Tree just runs the hell out of the Barnes and Noble. Yeah, she's like, bye.

And that brings us to the end of the Real Hair Swads of Nitches. So everybody, thank you so much for being here. Find us over at WatchWhatCrappens.com. You can find all our links. Don't forget to sign up for L.A. PodFest with the keyword crappens. And also come to PodFest. It's September 25th. You can find our premium episodes at Patreon.com slash watch what crappens.

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