Watch What Crappens - #3291 The Valley S3E01 Part One: Sip and Lacey

Episode Date: April 2, 2026

This is part one of a two-part recapThe Valley returns with one less man-baby and two more real babies. Plus, Jesse’s now-revealed girlfriend Lacey makes her grand, shaky-voiced debut. To watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, and get ad free listening,, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to watch what crap ends the podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just can't stop talking crap about. I'm Ben Mandelker. Joining me today is the one and only Ronnie Karam. Hey, Ronnie. How's it going? Hello, Ben. Hello, it's a big day. Big day here on Bravo.

Yes. It is a big day. That creak. I said, hello, Ben. Creek. I'm on over us. Microphone stand is a little bit rusty over here. here, guys. Just like the

valley. Yes, we're back. The valley's back. I think with almost zero fanfare. It's sort of either, whatever fanfare there was got overshadowed by people first complaining about Miami. And then, of course, now we have our whole

drama on Summerhouse, which made it to the New York Times, the top New York Times. It was literally like New York Times logo on their website. It was like, New York Times logo on the left was like, oh, DHS is being funded. it again and there's a war. And then on the right it was explaining the summer house scandal. I was like, wow, Wes and Amanda next to war on the New York Times.

Like they did it. We did it, Joe. That makes it. Before we dive into that, Patreon, come visit us, watch what crap is. Patreon.com slash watch or crappins. We have a newsletter that's free for everyone, even non-members. We also have ad-free, an ad-free feed there for Patreon members, a weekly bonus episode. this week we did a big old recap on the latest episode of Survivor last week's episode of Survivor. I haven't actually watched last night's yet. And we also have crap is on demand where you can watch us, not just listen to us. So go check out Patreon.

And in the meantime, let's dive into the season premiere of the Valley, a jacksless valley. What did you think, Ronnie? Love the jackslessness. You know, I forget how kind of sad this show. I get like a sad feeling while I watch this show. Most of the shows on Bravo, they start. I'm like, ha, ha, ha, ha. And this one, I just feel kind of sad as it goes on.

I mean, like the settings are sad. The places they go to lunch are always really sad. They look like they have, like, sticky stuff on the table. Like, the tables haven't been bust, and it's just like they're not designed. They're all, like, shitty diners. And then the apartments and the houses are all just, like, kind of sad, too. And I don't know. And then the relationships are all sad.

And I don't know. I feel kind of sad. But then by the end, I'm laughing. So I guess that's all I can really ask for. What do you think? I mean, Ronnie, it's a show based on the San Bernard Valley. I mean, what else do you expect? No, I mean, this show is great.

It's a great show. It is sad. It's a sad because getting older is sad and giving up on your dreams is sad. And being anchored down to children is sad. So a lot of it is just a very sad show. But it's funny. I find that like I'm, I just like with honestly, I think with everything happening with Summerhouse, I just was not ready to pivot into the valley world yet because it's it's such a like,

I feel like between Summerhouse and the extended world of Vanderpump rules, there is such a different culture, you know, like Summer House, the world of Summerhouse has this East Coast Manhattan vibe to it of like, of like wealthy, um, upper middle class kids. who live in the city, not, well, there are adults who live in the city who are working in either media or influencing and they're kind of like career driven, you know, and they go out to the Hamptons, they do stuff. And then when you go to like the world of Vanderpump rules in the valley, these are not career-driven people. I mean, you got, what's his face as a lawyer or Jason,

but everyone else is just sort of, what are they doing? They're just kind of hanging out. I mean, I don't know. That's a question. But isn't that a question we ask, we ask, we ask, in LA all the time. Like, what does everything do? Because like everybody's, and I'm sure they ask it about us as they see us at the fucking, you know, coffee shop at noon on the laptop. Like, what do they do, you know? Everyone has like some weird connection to work that. So that's kind of typical. I guess they're all influencers. I know Brittany's a pretty big influencer, I guess. He's like an influencer. Jesse is a realtor, Michelle is I guess technically a realtor. Like they work. But like the violence. But like the violence. There is just sort of like, it feels like if you're on Vanderpump Rules or the Valley, you at one point or another in your life, or maybe actively, we're clutching to fame or chasing fame. Whereas on Summer House, it feels like if the show ended, everyone would be able to go back to a trajectory they were already on. And I don't know. Like, sometimes it's like hard to go from the Summer House vibe to the West Coast, you know, straight people vibe. and I think because the scandal on Summerhouse is so big right now and so consuming, would you say?

Well, they're all people. I know. Well, I meant more just like, I guess that's supposed like house as opposed to housewives. Whatever, whatever we call the shows that are not about the real housewives that are generally about straight people like Southern Charm and, you know, all these shows. I'm saying the, I think I'm so consumed with Summer House at the moment that I'm having a hard time like pivoting into the valley. But I'll get there. And it's fine. I love the show.

had summer house overdose i don't care anymore like there are so many posts that are like oh my god they were touching feet by the pool in episode two we didn't see i don't care like it's to me i don't i don't like i'm done i've already had it i was mad for a week and i think that's all i've got for it so i'm glad to have something else to be angry about and her name is janet and she's back so we start the episode with uh brittany of course it's a brand new year and a brand new me I'm getting bad, not spore, cool. Brittany is more of a Muppet than ever. Wow.

Yeah, she really is. She came in with an extra dose of Britney. She got some Britney wings and dipped them in some Britney sauce. And she's brittanyed up. Wow. Brittany is giving vibes of like a wind-up doll. And someone gave her like really basic things to say. When they go to the, when they go to El Coyote later in the episode,

and she keeps that interjecting with these random things, like it's bare o'clock i felt like someone is taking and actively taking a cord from her back and pulling it and seeing what pops out of her mouth it's bare o'clock she's just saying random shit like that bear me not to me i don't know it's like we'll have to see when we get there i don't remember specifically what she said but that entire scene like no matter what anyone said she would just sort of chuckle some sort of like silly response to it like well i got a flat tire today Oh, that's just like boys did, right? Like what? Boys will be boys. Oh, go, really, oh, real.

Everything's so much better now. I'm so much better. I'm so happy now. I'm paying for everything. I'm so proud of myself. Paying for my baby. I'm paying for my house. I'm paying for every.

That this house that says home. It says home. I pay for that. I pay for that. Yeah. Well, I'm still not divorced. Jack hasn't sent in the paperwork yet. Oh, yeah, but I'm hoping.

Within six weeks, he'll send in the paperwork. He ain't going to send him to paperwork. He wants half of your money, honey. That man's not doing anything. You're not getting away from Jacks. I'll tell you that. And it's sad, but you're not going to get away from that man until he has half of everything. Yeah, you will not be seeing that paperwork.

He's using that paperwork to snort lines. So now we go to Zach's apartment with Bungi. And he's like, Benji's like, honey, I'm home. He's like, why is this? Their hair in my container. Look at this. He has like an empty oxo cereal container that somehow has hair in it for whatever reason. And then we see Zach in the confessional and he's, I guess, turned into a lightwalker.

His eyes are piercing blue. And then there's also like this 1940s spotlight on him. What are they doing to Zach? And he's like, I'm still in West Hollywood and I still haven't made the jump to the valley. And I don't think I ever will. And the great part is my roommate is moving out. And Benji is soft moving in, but he's so small. He doesn't take a much room.

It's basically like I get a triple the closet space because I'm, dating bungee. So, Benji got a haircut. It's a big day. He's like, yeah, you know what? And I need to do my GLP1. Because, like, I don't have to lie about how I lose weight. Yeah, other people on the cast, liars.

But you know what? I'm going to do it right now. Oh, oh, God, I hope I don't rub off too much of my spray tan. I'm skinny again. Yay! And then over at Jasmine and Melissa's apartment in Sherman Oaks, Jasmine's like, well, Melissa and I are still living together. We moved in a new place in Sherman Oaks, and I can't believe that I'm living in the valley.

But I'm just trying really hard to get off of this third tier status in the show and actually get in the mix a little bit. Oh, in the mix. I can't believe I'm in the valley. Yeah, I'm, you know, I'm a little bit of a laid back ride. I would say I'm just kind of a go with the flow. It's going to be black tie. No kids. It's going to be sushi.

There's going to be a carving station. We'll carve the sushi. It's very interactive. It's simple. It's elegant. And I don't want anybody rolling up there. Super easy. Not a lot going on with the wedding.

It's going to be super simple. bride, bride, sushi, steak, buffet, napkins, forks, trapeas, there's going to be a lady on trapeas. It's going to be a swimming pool. It's going to be mermaids.

Mermaids in the swimming pool. Pretty easy. Pretty easy. We're going to... Circus, circus performance. Seals, people bouncing. We're going to set up a mannequin so that we... We're going to set up a mannequin so that way Danny can cup its ass and say,

Daddy's here. You know, things like that. So, Melissa, it's like, I can't believe we're actually getting married. I have so much. to do. We should be doing more. Why aren't you helping? And she's like, I'm the groom. I'm not going to help you. So that's their storyline. Jasmine's like, I'm, I don't want to get wedding stuff done. Melissa's going to be like,

we've got to get wedding stuff done. Now let's go over to Michelle Lally and she sages the house before Jesse comes over to pick up Isabella. I have my own plan again. And I'm truly, truly single. Erin and I didn't work out. And the producers like, have you ever been broken up with before? Actually, it was the first time anybody has ever broken up with me. I usually do the breaking up. But I guess that's very threatening for people. Only Michelle would use the sage before the evil person came over.

You're supposed to use it after he comes. And also open the windows. Open your windows when you do it. So Jesse comes over and says hi, it's the pala. She's like, okay, Isabella, go with your father. Jesse and I split Isabella. We switch weekends. I wish the divorce was vinalized, but it is not.

He always has an excuse as to why he cannot sign the baby. Because he wants to spend your money to you. That's the men on the valley. That's why the show's so sad. Yeah. All the men are just like trying to leach off the women, you know? I think except for the zombie one who grabs butts. Danny.

He works occasionally. But yeah, and Jason. Yeah, I guess Jason too. So Jesse's like, God, Michelle thinks that everything I do is strategic. But, you know, like, I want to get divorced. It just hasn't happened. It will. It will happen.

It will sign the papers. I'm like, you're really making this sound really, he's like, he says, I want to get divorced. It just hasn't happened yet. Simple. I was like, what's simple about that? What do you mean? It just hasn't happened yet. Did you, like, lose your fine line?

Your skills and can't find your name? What's going on? When you don't want to sign the papers, it's because there's something you're not getting in that divorce. And what do you want the divorce? Money. Not signing the papers in order to get something, extract some sort of value or improve your position is inherently a strategic thing to do.

So don't tell us that you're not doing anything strategic right now. If you weren't doing anything strategic, you'd sign the papers. You can't act like, oh, you know, it's just a video cassette. that you have to rewind before you bring it back to Blockbuster. Like, sign it. Be kind. Rewind.

So we go to Danny Ania's house. And you know we're going to Danny and Eas because they just show Bear Canyon Hills, like nothing at that house. And it's so funny because they're really dissing Santa Clarita. Now, I don't know Santa Clarita, but I'm assuming that there's a best buy or a home does or something there, a grocery store. But the way this show makes it look like, it's like, do. That is what it is. It is isolation. I've been up to Santa Clarita, you know, a handful of times in my life.

It is far. You know, the gold standard on these shows has been Marina del Rey as like the far outposts of Los Angeles. And that place, Marina Del Rey is far as well. But people don't realize of all the far-flung locations, Malibu, Marina del Rey, Pasadena, Santa Clarita has them beat tremendously. People know about the valley. For people who don't live in this area, what you have is the valley. which is north of areas like Hollywood and Beverly Hills and Santa Monica.

You're the valley. And you have to drive through the entire valley and go up into a little sort of mountains and come back down again to a second valley. And it's in that second valley and then sort of up and towards the back of it. That's where Santa Clarita is. It's in a whole other separate valley. It's in the valley's own valley spin off. It's the valley valley. So here I'm looking at the maps.

And for my house, I mean, granted, I'm in the valley already. Thanks a lot, Ben, but I'm in the Valley. And it says that it's 30 minutes from my house. But you know, the maps are liars. Because every time, especially in L.A., that the map's like 30 minutes, you better plan on at least an hour because they lie. They're like, well, sorry, traffic just got bad. Traffic's always bad. It's, yeah, it's always bad.

Santa Clarita is, it's, if you have no traffic, yeah, you can do it in like 30 minutes. But it's probably going to take an hour. and it's so, it's so far. You don't even understand. It's so far. And when you get up there, you're like, was it worth it to come this far? Was it really worth it? And the answers usually know.

It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappence commercial. Well, they did it. So Danny finally got his way. And he's like, I love you, Santa Clarita. Woo! Yeah. That Bukou Man right there.

There's that daddy's mountain. Check it out, 404. Check it out. Santa Clarita's heaven. Lord of mercy. We got a new baby, baby Adelaide, our number four. Wow. Well, we've taken the deep dive off to the middle of nowhere. I almost had a baby in the car thanks to Santa Clarita because it took an hour to get to the hospital because apparently they're still going to Cedar Sinai in West Hollywood, which is crazy. and basically it took an hour for them to get all the way to the hospital. Joy and zip code shaving on this show. I forgot what joy you get out of it. No, this is actually not joy. This is like, what are you doing?

Why are you still going to Cedar Sinai? But like living in Santa Clarita, why are you being such massacus? Go to a hospital up there. Yeah, you would think. But, you know, you've done it three times. So I guess it's like, okay, we're sticking with it. We're sticking with what we know for the fourth. So their kids are screaming and running around and stuff.

And she's feeding her baby. And so then we go to Kristen and Luke's home. And Kristen is also feeding her baby. She had a baby. It's like Luke and I are still engaged. I had a whole baby. Blu-h. I poop myself.

I'm an empath. Do you think the blots are because she's laying down or because the diaper is too small? He's like, um, there'll be nothing in the front and then all the way up the back, all that poop. The biggest change in me. since Kaya is I'm way less grossed out by poop than I used to be. Also, I now have styled myself to look like a playmobile figurine. That's a good thing, I guess.

Is it a good thing to be more comfortable with feces on your hands? Aren't you a farmer or something? What's that his thing? Like, doesn't he live off the grid on like some farm or something like that? You don't know a stranger to poop, Montana? Get out of here. Yeah. He's like, well, you feel well rested.

How are you feeling? She's like, I don't know. It's like I told you the other day. I'm really good at being her mom. I just don't know how to be anything else. I just don't know how to be like a woman. You know what I mean? I'm not like being the best partner.

And so he's like, yeah, well, I think if we got a good nanny, everything else will ease up. I'm like, have you seen any of the other couples on your cast? I don't. It didn't work out so well. Guys are our whole world. We don't have time for anything else.

Like we don't have time to like, I don't know, like make love, have sex, blow jobs. Butt jobs, but jobs, none of it, none of it. And Luke's like, yeah, but like we've been with her every day so far. Like, can't we do something else, babe? She's like, no, we're parents now. Okay. I know you'd feel like we don't have a relationship.

And he's like, I didn't say that, but like certain areas are lacking more than others, like my penis. I miss having sex. Like, I love Kristen. She's smoking hot. Like, come on. Lay it on me. Well, I'm going to try it harder with all that normalcy. It just takes time.

Okay. A whole lot of precious time. It takes money on time to do it, to do it, to do it. Kristen, stop doing George Harrison. Baby steps, okay, to get back to feeling like yourself. Baby steps, because I know it's my first time I've done this too, but we'll have to sip. We have that sip and see coming up, so that'll be a little different. Oh, I know.

It's like the whole point of her is her, but like it's overwhelming for me. So she's going to throw a sip and see together with Nia, a joint sip and see because the girls are only six days apart. and she's overwhelmed. And she's like, I haven't left the house once since I had the baby. I'm like, you know what? I really, I really feel for pregnant because I'm like the same. I never leave the house.

If I have to even go to the house to the grocery store, even doing that is so hard. And I don't even have a baby. I haven't even have the pain. I don't have someone needing me to fuck them. None of that. So I kind of get it. I mean, I get the staying in the house part. The baby part's your own problem.

So you did that to yourself. So La La La La La. and janitor shopping and uh so excited to see janet again and la la is a full-time cast member why wow huge why huge uh very exciting for america very exciting for america so she's like oh i need to get christin's a gift so look at that how cute is that and jren's like oh my god christin would love the dogs i feel like the tight i want is so cute So Lala tells us, I've known Kristen for like a long time. She and I definitely have gone toast because I'm tough.

I'm Utah Tufts. I'm Lala. And we see flashbacks and I'm fighting over James. It's Tupac, 26. Lala can't. Yeah, she fights hard and she loves hard. And she's very much my type of check. Is it awkward that I'm like having you help me?

And Jan's like, no, I love all babies. So like I want you to like get them something cute and Honestly, I'm just glad that I wasn't invited and put in a position where I have to set to not go, you know. And so last summer was a good lesson for me. It's been important to me to get into therapy, to work on myself, to reflect on how I can be better and not have so much pain in the group. And also pain from hitting my head on the low hanging vent over my my stove top. But that's a whole other issue. That's for a contractor.

Here comes Janet with the Bravo male storyline, the Bravo male villain storyline of it's Janet 2.0, guys. I'm totally different now. I started therapy. And let me show you how much that worked throughout this episode. It's like she does all the exact same shit she did before. She, but she goes to therapy now, guys. It's like, yeah, like, Mia blocked me on everything. Like, she'd made it pretty clear. Like, she wants me to shut my mouth and, like, move on. So I feel like Nia would rather paint me as a liar when she knows I'm not a, I'm the one, I'm the one to recognize the truth about what's happening with her and her husband. It's like, you just said therapy. Why are you so? still coming for Nia. The woman is living in Santa Clarita. Isn't she suffering enough? I know. She is living in her own version of Mad Max up there. Okay? Just let her have her post-apocalyptic Santa

Corrida life. Fucking bully. What? Leave her alone, you fucking bully. My God. And Lala's like, well, do you think I could say, like, I'm sorry? Like, I'm sorry that I went to the hearts. And maybe it wasn't my place. And she's like, no, fuck no. She's looking at her like, you fucking crazy. Then we cut back to Kristen and she's like, oh, the only people are going to my sip and see are my close friends. And people slash people who

would rather be doing really anything else that day than to go to some random restaurant in the middle of Ventura Boulevard to look at two babies. So Luke is like, yeah, like Janet and Jason, you know, there's been no communication whatsoever, which I mean, how can

a friendship repair when there's zero communication over a course of a year, which I think is also a bit funny. Like, Kristen and Luke were very much like, shut the fuck up, Janet. I'm done with you. And now Luke is like, gosh, I mean, how can we even be friends with them if they're not even going to reach out to us? I'm like, uh, I think, I don't think it's like either just don't be friends with them or you guys have to reach out. But I don't think it's on Janet to reach out to them. No, they're just not friends. And so it becomes like shooting. Like, who's going to shoot this scene?

You know, now we're going to try and block each other from scenes. And it's funny because, you know, we talk about like people using their weddings as the sparketing chip. Like, oh, really? You want to be one of my bridesmaids. You better get your shit together or you're not going to be a bridesmaid. And then it's like, okay. And then you pay the thousands of dollars. And yes, I have been a bridesmaid.

I've been a groomsman to everyone. He's like, what do you know? You never. I did experience this. So then you pay all the thousands of dollars. for your outfit and the trip and the this and the that and you throw the parties you do this and then anytime she gets mad it's like oh you're not you want to come to the wedding you better watch it you think this is cheap to feed you and feed all these it's like okay so then you go to the wedding then you pay for

the pay all the money it's like a fun party whether you fuck somebody's cousin whatever and then the next thing oh my god we're having a baby you want to come to my shower you better be it's like this constant thing but the returns are diminishing every time it's like then's the baby shower then's the gender reveal, then's the birth, then's the sip and see. And people don't want to come anymore. You know what I mean? At some point, we're like, we have spent our money. I have given you thousands of dollars over the years and you're not going to hold this over my head like you're doing me some big fucking favor by looking at your little sack of goo there, snotting all over the place in some restaurant, then I'm going to pay the bill for anyway. Yep, that's exactly right.

Being, getting older is realizing that these things in people's lives, you're not obligated. to participate in them whatsoever. And it's not a privilege. It's not a privilege to be part of it. Go to the wedding. Send the baby a gift and call it a date. Save yourself some drama because it never ends, especially with people like Nia.

And he's got, it just keeps having them, you know? And then it's like, oh, my God. I need a second job to buy your fucking children. And then they're the ones who always have the first birthday and the second birthday. And it's always a theme. So you've got to go buy a theme costume

to come to the fucking thing. Girl. And then they have so many kids, they have to move out to Santa Clarita. And the next thing you know, it's like, will you guys come to Santa Clarita for our party? So we're going to have to have to go to the kids one year old party up in Santa Clarita. The only upside to that is that there is a red lobster in Valencia. So, you know, like, I almost would go to a birthday party in Santa Clarita just if it meant that I could like tack on a red lobster trip afterwards. Because it's like the red lobsters in Los Angeles are very far flung and you literally have to go out to Valencia.

And at that point, you might as well go to Magic Mountain and ride some roller coasters. And honestly, this is turning out to be a pretty good day now that I say it. I know. Ben's like, oh, my God. I need to make more straight friends. Is there a container store up there? Because we hit the trifecta. Yeah.

But, you know, I know we sound like too crotchety, you know, single people. But that's what happens when you stay single. You start seeing what a robbery, the rest of you all impose on us. Okay. Because I do want to be included in my couple's lives. And, you know, I love the kids. and I'm like everyone's uncle. Like, I love that.

And it's not like I'm saying don't go through all that. But I think maybe go back to just being like, don't invite Ronnie. He's gay. I mean, before I was like had a parade in the street or like a thing in the street like, why am I not invited just because I'm gay? But now that I am invited everywhere, I'm like, just don't invite me. I'm gay.

I mean, I just want to put that on the RSVP. No, I'm gay. I think it's more just like, don't guilt me about things. Don't guilt me about like, well, oh, well, you're not going to get invited to the wedding if this happens. It's like, great. Right. Exactly. Thank you.

You know, like, please enjoy your overcooked chicken. That said, the salt stems from Kristen saying like, well, she's not coming to my sipancy. And I'm team Kristen. This is not team Janet. But, you know, it's just whenever I hear that, I get a little triggered. Like, well, you're not coming to my sip and see. It's like, oh, wow. Call the newspaper, you know.

Yeah. Call page six. Ronnie was excluded from a suppancy. So Kristen's like, you know, Janet shit on too many friends, and she doesn't even exist to me, which is why I'm still so pissed. And the only moment she even existed was that second at Britney's house last year. And then we cut to Janet. She's like, oh, my God, that interaction of Britney's, that was not great.

It went from like, oh, Kristen has a baby on her boob to like, oh, my God. And Lala goes, yeah, like, oh, Kristen has a baby on her boom? Yeah, get me out of here as quick as I can. Get me to Dave and Busters. Bernie had a pool party that she was going to invite all the kids over for. And I'm like, okay, if Kristen's there, she'll probably have a newborn with her. So she's going to be sticking inside in the air conditioning. We'll get there.

We'll change. We'll go to the pool. It probably won't even be that big of an issue. Oh, here's my side of the story. Brittany told me that if Janet was 99% not going to come, especially if she knew I was going to be there. And she was probably going to cancel. And I shouldn't even worry about it. Well, tell me lies.

tell me sweet little lies to the next thing i know janet showed up well christian's like brittney why is she here she doesn't deserve to be here took me a second to be like oh is she talking about me no not doing this today's not doing this today's not in front of my kid my entire being just i think whenever janet tells a memory like she tells a story that's a memory they should do it like date line style where they're showing you the scene of the crime it's like it was october 22nd It's all black and white and grainy, and they're making it as dramatic as possible before you see the dead body. Because every time she tells it, she's like, a crime was committed against me and to my people. So she's like, yeah, in front of my kid.

I was like, oh, God, here we go. Now you have a kid, so it makes it tons worse. What about the people who had a kid that you spent the whole last year calling the dad a sexual assaulter and everything else? Get out of here, even though that guy did grab the butt. I'm still not on Team Danny. even though I'm pro-jantic. I know, you see that's what makes me crazy the show. You call them a sexual assault or, although he did grab the thigh, that girl, and said,

he did, you know, he did, but she takes it to a different level where it's like sexual assaultor. You know, she just makes everything so dramatic, you know, and she's like, not in front of my kid. Me being told to leave in front of my kid, get out of here, so I scooped up, Cam, and I grabbed our back, and I turned around. around and I walked away. I got in the car. I texted her and I was just like, what the fuck. And then we see the texts are like, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's all the texts. It wasn't just one saying what the fuck. It's like, seriously, not okay in front of my child. In front of my child. My child can't breathe right now. Are you okay? My child is choking on the disrespect. You almost killed my child. You child assault her.

Cameron is crying because I just spent the last hour telling him we were swimming. What the fuck is that? My child is crying. My child. is crying. Go to the public pool. Okay. They're all over the valley. Let's knock on someone's door. There's peers everywhere. Or go to the party anyway. Kristen's going to be there, the rest of your filming life anyway. Go to the party. Put some floaties on your kid's arm. Throw them in the pool like everybody else. Come back inside and tell Kristen to shut the fuck up. I'm like, and there's that. Why do you such a wimp? And then there's that too. Quite frankly, that's actually really what she should have done is that she should have used the child card and said

like, don't do this in front of the children, Kristen. I know you're new at this, but don't do this, you know? Use your baby as a damn weapon like everybody else, you know? Christian's like walking in there with her baby, like, I got a baby now. You're not the only one with the baby now, bitch.

She's like, oh, really? I've, Cam. And Cam is very upset with you, Kristen. It's like a video of the game of the own. Each have, like, their own. Each, like, house has their own flag, except it's just a baby. Just like, like, it's like, And the thing is this, she, I mean, she still is using her child.

She's just using her child in a different way because she's using the child. She's, because this way she also gets to say I was basically like shunned from the party and I had to leave. But you're right. She should have just put the kid in the pool and been like, Kristen, I know you're upset, but like we're adults here and there's children. And let's not do this. Let's not do this in front of your beautiful sleeping angel on your chest. But, you know, it's also Kristen, and who knows really, I mean, Kristen is, oh, go to out of here, go to out of here.

You know, like, there's, it's, it's hard with Kristen sometimes. Don't let Kristen be the ranting raving cycle at the party and just stay calm and put the kid in the pool. It's like, you're not new to this. You're not new to this dynamic. And you helped cause this dynamic. So stop acting like, oh, my God, my baby, my poor baby. And just all the texts on the screen are really crazy. It's like, my child is crying and so confused.

Oh, God, why can't she just ignore me? I can't believe you allowed this to happen, Brittany. Seriously, I'm not okay. I'm literally shaking. Tell her to leave if she has a problem. Oh, good. Guys, it's a pool party, all right? Theory is at Britney's house.

I know. I also, I went into threads last night and then this morning, and just very briefly, and I saw, I think Kristen's going through it because, like, someone, someone, whatever the equivalent of tweeting is on threads, posted something like, like, oh my God, why is Kristen? like, Kristen should not be sold, but she's a crazy person. And Chris is like, seriously, seriously say it to my face. And then today she was like, the amount of hate that I'm getting on this platform is absolutely unseen.

I don't know why. Like, it makes me so funny to think of Kristen being on threads at home. Like, oh, God, another person said something. Harumph. So wait, what were they telling her on thread? It was just typical internet stuff. Christian should be what? Okay, I'll look it up.

I'll look it up. It was just like a general. It was like unremarkable, just like unremarkable. Just like unremarkable. you know, like Kristen's media chatter like Kristen sucks or whatever and she was just like very unhappy about it. I think I think that maybe she was hoping that to be to have like unfettered support to be like she finally got her baby and not that everyone would be like oh my God so happy for Kristen. So when people are like fuck Kristen. She's like what? Seriously. I have a baby now. I have a baby. Okay. Here's what she wrote. Here's what she wrote yesterday. I don't like this.

Just because it's Kristen so funny to me. It's a generic thing. You're so delighted. She goes, truly fucking baffled by the number of people on threads who tag me and are so cruel and rude. Here's your one moment, guys. Why? Don't forget to at me. So we all see it.

I'd love it even more if you'd tell me face to face. And just love her like face to face. Because you know, she paced around that apartment all day long. Like, I'm going to write something, Luke. I'm going to write something on threads. Like, Kristen, don't do it. Come on, not in front of Jill. I'm going to do it.

Look away, Jill. That was probably home. Did you see Kristen's tweet? My baby is crying. Just on threads. My baby's on threads. Traumatize my baby. So, Lala's like, yeah, but I'm just, look, look, I get it.

I get that you have drama. But, like, I'm looking for fun, okay? Because I've been chilling for like two years playing mama. And like I'm covered and spit up. And I just want everyone to. Fucking get-alongs. So congrats on your baby. Like, where are you at with Janet? Remember, remember her? And so then we go to Brittany. And I love that Lala hasn't been on a show for two years. So she's like, I haven't been doing shit for two years. I've been in a dark box seeing nothing. I only exist on television. So, please. She has been working on not her resume, but just her resume. Like, I'd like to resume shooting, please. So I like to put Lala on a box when she's not being used for a team. Although I know she has been out of that box because her podcast, she has that podcast with Rand's other ex-wife.

And they would post clips and it's like, oh my God, we're talking about like the most gross things Rand would do in bed. I'm like, who is listening to this? Why will anybody want to picture that man naked having sex with anybody, let alone two of you? Yeah, let me bookmark that episode. We now go to Brittany's house and she's face. time of Brandon. And he's like, hey, what are you doing? By way, this guy looks to me very much like Jacks. Like tattoos, sort of has the same smile. Like there's just, he visually has a lot of references to Jacks. And he's like, well, just a mac and a little bit because I miss you. It's like, I miss you two.

Five days and cabot together and you're not tired of me yet. He's like, no, probably could have done at least three more days. Oh, three more days. One o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock floor. Wait, how's that O tea, tequila one, you know, do it from the top. How many days are in an hour again? Why, guys, I'm getting my sparkle back. I'm at Brandon in Kentucky. I've known him a long time. Maybe it's in kindergarten.

I don't know. I didn't go to kindergarten. Anyway. My God, Britney is on like a 20. So she says that she's so funny. She's actually cracking me up because she's so happy. She's like finally seeing life for the first time. out of Jacks and it's like, she is like someone in one of those time traveler movies, like,

someone from 1805 gets transported to New York City and is like, well, that hot dog, I never seen something like that. And she's just like, her eyes are died. When you got sparkle. I'm a single girl in the hot dog now. Are they already? Okay. Well, things instantly clicked and eventually it turned into like this romantic thing, but the timing

just wasn't right because I had this opportunity to go on TV and Mary Jacks. And like, it's been like 13 years since we've seen each other. The main brand are just like so great together. We're like sparkling, sparkle making double sparkle. We're actually best friends, and it makes me feel real good, because he's just so nice to me, and the first time he came to visit me, I was like, you can sleep in my guest room. I hear it, but I didn't know if that sparkle was going to be the same,

but he did sleep in my guest room, but I slept in there with him. Mainly because Jack still has cameras installed in the main house, so he was some logistics involved too. He lives three hours away from me in California. I'm in Studio City. He's in Marin del Rey. So it's a good three, three and a half hours to get to each other. Hey, Brandon, when are you going to be back?

He's like, I guess Thursday. Okay. I just want everyone to meet you. Commercials. Here comes one right now. So they're like, oh my God, are you going to get along with everybody? So then we go to Zach and Zach is hanging out. Now talk about someone who was taken out of a box.

Tom Schwartz is now on this show as well. This man looks pickled. He looks like he has been drinking for a week and not been able to pee. He looks like he's about to like, I don't know, like the booze is going to start. He's red-eyed. He doesn't look good. Tom doesn't look good. He looks sad and lost.

I mean, I guess that's kind of his style, but. Yeah. He has joined this. Like, this is sad. Yeah, he's joined this specific tier of. people that you see in Los Angeles, especially at the sunset strip, like lingering on the sunset trip, these like 40 plus men clutching on to what it was like when they were 23. And it's just, it's sad. It's sad to see it. But here he is. And he is meeting up with Zach at like a saloon.

It's like 95 degrees out. And they're in this like saloon type bar. It has saloon doors. which means that it's like open air, but it's 95 degrees. I would be like, please get me into a bar that has a door that closes and seals in the air conditioning. Thank you. I'm telling you, the locations they choose to shoot in on this show are always so depressing. And they're like, where even is this? Like, where did you find this place? Yikes.

So, Zach's like, why are you so sweaty? He's like, wow, what's going on? Let me look at you. You're super lean. You look so swell. you got to reciprocate the compliment, though. Tell me, like, I look good and stuff. He's like, oh, yeah, you look, you look good.

Jeez, he looked like a merino cherry. A merino cherry. That's not, I'm not putting Tom Schwartz on top of any Sundays. I'll tell you that much. But he just looks red and, like, pickled in some way. So he's like, thanks. But, you know, like, I want to keep leveling up, right? Because, you know, when you're depressed, you put on weight.

So I put on like a, you know, a pretty sad, a happy 15 pounds, okay? You know, after the bar closed, it's like a happy 15, a happy depressed 15 pounds. It's a depression, happiness, weight gain. But what is Tom, when he says, I want to level up a little more? When did the, a little more implies that there was an initial level up? I feel like, does he, I feel like he thinks he's an escalator, but he's just a moving platform. It is, there's no ascending happening here. He's a log raft.

Yeah, I think he means, like from my Tom Schwartz's mouth, he met the restaurant closed. He gained 15 pounds, but now he lost it again. And so he wants to keep like going and trying to get hotter, I guess. Yeah. So he tells us, man, my life kind of felt part at the seams, like divorced, hemorrhaging money. And then we see a clip of Katie basically, you know, saying like, I'm divorcing him. He's like, I don't know how exactly that are.

It just cuts to Katie. And she's like, echo, it's like an echo. I roll. I roll. But you fucking loser. It's like, yeah. I mean, I don't really know how to articulate it, but like, I guess, I guess I got my sparkle.

Can I steal Britney's line? I got my sparkle back. Look at me. Sparkling. He literally has not even enough personality to come up with his own sentence to describe how he feels right now. He has to crib off of, off of Brittany. He's like, I'm happy. It happened on some level. I know it's fucked up because I lost a lot of money, but just made me a better person. It gave me grit. It gave me chutzpah. It gave me so much strength.

Ah, this barstool hurts a little bit. Sacks like, I've known Tom since the day I moved to L.A. And he is one of the kindest, gentlest, most ineffective people I've ever met. And like, you got stuck in like a really bad situation. And now you're to the point where like, you're ready to like thrive instead of just like survive right um are you quoting ashie darby no right thriving just surviving that's exactly it because like oh yeah well i saw brittany was in cobble she looks happy that's great he's like yeah you know what listen i'm glad she's happy but like i don't want to like i just worry because she's like so vulnerable right now she's like so vulnerable She's looking for validation.

No, I know. She's been trapped in like a garage for like three weeks now, okay? But like, you know, he said, I love you so fast. It's like, it's like moving so fast. But like if you don't put in the work yourself to then see these red flags, you're going to fall for them again. Tom's like, I think she should seriously consider doing a little master dating. Master dating is essentially just taking your,

taking yourself out for night on the town, sitting at the end of a bar, looking at the 22-year-old girls, telling them that you're only 31, seeing what you can do to remind them you're up and on TV, then you take one home and, you know, masturbating. It's just basically walking into a food court and waiting until somebody recognizes you. Sporkel. You guys just have to build yourself up in the field of Britney's dreams. If she builds it, he will come.

and then she will come. Oh, I'm a comedian now. And so we start talking about him and Benji, Zach and Benji, and he's like, yeah, you know what? Like, Benji's still here, you know? And like, we're still figuring out his visa, which is like a fucking nightmare. And he's like, he's saying that they have an open relationship.

And he's like, the thing is that like sex and love are like different. And we're like far too often to make it like all like all sex and like about making baby bullshit. like then why is your prostate in your butt hole like jesus knew what he was doing when he put that up there and i think that somewhere in here is uh zach is like yeah he's got his visa don't worry it's an official this this this visa so don't worry i'm like i don't think having official visa has any bearing on what ice is going to do i'm like the more he talks about the fact that benjie is not a citizen of this country the more i am generally concerned that we're going to have a

very special episode of the valley we're like benjie's not here anymore you know like doesn't really out of these days. Yeah, or like talking about open relationships. You don't want to give them anything they can use against you to call it like a fake relationship and all that stuff, you know. Yeah. But I guess his visa isn't dependent on Zach, right? Because they're not married.

They're not married, right? I guarantee it's not. No, they just had like the Benji's here now party. There's no way that there's no way that Benji hung his visa on Zach. He's probably like, oh, no, not, I'm not basing my visa on you, Zach. Why would I ever do that off someone who keeps such a dirty flage? Yeah. So then we go to Nia and Kristen grabbing lunch in, you know, another place that just feels like sticky tables. So Kristen's like, oh God, we're like three blocks from home. We might as well be in a foreign country. Like, we're even where are we? Your own. Like, it'll be fine. Like, I totally get it. You know, I imagine this is rough like right when you have the baby. Oh my gosh. Yeah. The first time you have a baby going out, it's just scary. You're like, it's your first baby. You're worried that something's going to happen to the child.

and whatever and she's self-conscious, how she looks. You know, I am not going to make fun of any of that. But I do think it's funny that, like, she is so out of sorts when Kristen is, when she comes into this restaurant, she's like, she's like a 16-year-old learning how to drive a car in a parking lot for the first time. Like that baby, that baby carriage, that stroller is like bonging into table. She's like, oh, where do I go? Huh?

What do I order? What's happening? How do I use a menu? What's a salad? If I was that baby's uncle, I would bring that baby a crash helmet, like a cute little pink crash helmet. But yeah, I mean, the whole thing of just like having a baby and having to go out and having to learn to go through all that shit, especially when you're alone. You don't have like a partner to help you. I mean, my God, just driving up.

Now you've got a bigger ass car and you've got to park that. And then you've got to pull the baby out the car and then you got to get it out of the seat, which is a pain in the butt. Because those seats are crazy now. There's like 90 buckles. It's like, how do I get the seat in? How do I get it out? are the buckles. And then you got to get the baby out. And then you got to figure out these new these new fucking stroller things like as big as a car and like hustle the baby in and out.

And then the baby's hungry. And like my boobs are leaking. I mean, it's just like hell. It's hell. It is hell. And on top of that, like Kristen already inherently moves like one of those inflatable things in front of a used car. A lot like flopping around. And now that she's actually affixed her hands to a stroller, she's just putting all that energy into the stroller. So the stroll were just like wobbling back and forth like on a slippery wind wet sign. So she's like, we're three blocks from home. And we might as well be in a foreign country because that's how stressful this is. I mean, the first time I left house after giving birth, I went to a grocery store and people were nice to me anymore because I wasn't pregnant.

Like no one held the door for me. No one was like, oh God, your belly is so cute. They just like walk by me like I was some piece of shit. It was awful. I'm like, you mean how you used to wait the tables at sir? You're not pretty. Oh, pregnancy privilege. God, I want it.

I know. I want that. Everybody has to be nice to you for a while. Like, oh, my God. For a moment, you think it's actually your personality that's causing people to be nice to you. And then you realize, nope. The people had warm wishes from my baby. So Nia's asking her about breastfeeding.

And she's like, no, I had nothing left. Like, I was barely giving her a bottle a day. Like, I've been trying to pump twice a day, but like, it sucks. So, like, I've been at home wearing sweats and a bra. But I finally had to leave the house. And she's like, but have you even had a date night? And she's like, no. She goes, oh my God, babe, you're like three months in.

You've got to have a date noid. Okay. We even do that in Sierra Bonita. I mean, since I've, where are we again? Sierra, Sierra Leone. Where are we? The names don't even make sense when you're as far as way as we are. I know that you feel like you're in a foreign country because you're three blocks from

your home, but I'm literally in a foreign country. Please save me. Congratulations. You've reached the end. of part one of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says, part two.

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