Watch What Crappens - #3294 RHORI S1E01: Rhode Rage

Episode Date: April 3, 2026

A new franchise enters the villa! The Real Housewives of Rhode Island joins the Bravo roster with all sorts of simmering drama: polygamy! Cheap wine! Under performing coffee shops! Join us as we kick off a new era on Bravo! To watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, and get ad free listening, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens.Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And welcome to watch what crap is a podcast about all the crap we love to talk about on Y'O Braves. I'm Ronnie. That's Benooney's over there. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Good. What's going on with you? Not much. It's a big day for us. We know, we don't often get a brand new Real Housewives franchise. So, you know, the time is that. It's special when we get to launch a new one. And today is the day. The gods are smiling down on us. It is Real Housewives of Rhode Island episode one day.

If you want this recap on video or you want bonus episodes, this week was a Survivor recap. It was super long and super fun. Or you want ad-free listening or you want the Discord server or our free weekly blog recapping all of the stuff that happened on Bravo. Join us over at patreon.com slash watch what problems. And now today, Real Housewives of Rhode Island, 101. What did you think about the premiere, Ronnie? I thought it was pretty fun, really liked it. A lot of the women look exactly the same, which is super weird.

It's going to take some time to differentiate them all. But I did like them. They seem to get a lot of crazy people on the show, which is strong. None of them are shy, that's for sure. And I love all the antis. Oh, yeah. We need to see more of them for the rest of the season. like yeah i want all the ants i want all the older generation on this show just trickling through

yeah uh what do you think overall i liked it i thought it was good um i thought it was fun the accents are hilarious to me of course um actually the only one that i didn't really love was the girl from the bachelorette she just felt like she didn't she didn't fit in for me she was sort of she felt very like someone who'd been on reality tv before but um i thought like um but like it was she was she was fine. It wasn't like she was bad. It's just, you know, she wasn't as like inherently interesting, I thought. But, um, yeah, I thought it was a pretty, she was like the straight man to all the crazies. Well, she just was like a little generic, you know, like there was something about her that was like, I don't know. I don't know. There was like a different vibe. I felt like she and her, her man

felt like there was like a slickness that felt like they had been on TV before. But maybe I was just bringing that to the, maybe I was just bringing my own prejudices. But I think overall it was a, it was a pretty good premiere. I, I, I liked it. Yeah. All right. Well, let's get into it with that lukewarm praise beginning. No, I liked it. I was with you too. I am, I'm expecting so much from this that I don't know. I don't know where it's going to go because I'm really expecting a lot. I mean, the previews for it were so, so good. And I think it's a pretty good start. I mean, they're all cuckoo and their lives are like, what? And I do love that they know each other. They all know each other. Like, from, high school like someone used to fuck the sister's boyfriend announce her husband and i mean there's a lot of that going on not a lot of sister fucking sister boyfriend fucking but a lot of like inter you know things that can only happen when you've known each other for a really long time so i like that

so we start with the typical i was also going to say i like how they have this like idea that the things that happen in rhode island happen nowhere else in the country they're like boomers are a big part of rhode island society like yeah Yeah. We have a thing in Rhode Island called rumors. People talk about each other. In Rhode Island, people eat food. We have three square meals a day in Rhode Island.

Yeah. When people in Rhode Island are hungry, we drink things. It's like, ooh. I guess that would be a little weird because you eat, right? Yeah. But so we start with the ladies, you know, the intro to the ladies. And first up is Alicia. And she's like, don't fuck with me.

You're ritual. Welcome to Rhode Island. silent, bitch, this is how we roll. I was like, okay. Strong first line. Yeah. And Liz, we see Liz, who's the fake Dolores, and she's like, you're the Lulu. I'm scary.

Boo. Like what? Huh? And then they're describing each other. And someone's like, Rosie, Rosie is brave. She's not afraid to call people out. She's, and we see Rosie on like weird little bouncy skate things. What are those?

They're like roller blades, but instead of wheels, they have things that you bounce on. Yeah, we see that. And we see that again later on. It's like these pink kind of like diamond shaped springy things that are, I guess probably to help your glutes or something. And Rosie's like, she's with an old guy and she cheated with an old guy with a new guy and the new guy is paying for it. But I'm the problem.

I'm trying to look up what these bouncy roller skate things are. You know what? This is going to ruin my life. I'm not going to do it. Yeah. So then we see Joe Allen. What did you say? Oh, yeah.

Okay. So then we see Joellen. Wellen. And she's like, if I'm going to call the FBI, I'm going to call Joe Welland because she knows everything. So we see Jo Allen sitting with her husband. And she's like every morning. He goes to her house. And you know what? He's at the gym every morning. And she goes, does Brian look like he goes to the gym? I don't believe these rumors. Have you seen him? Yeah. Yeah. And then we be also, there's someone named Rula who's not in the first episode. And she's like, everyone tells me I run a tight ship. Then the husband goes, I let you track me you know where i am every second so it's basically this is like all kind of like trailer describing the girls you know kelsey's stunning she's beautiful she's smart then we see kelsey and she's like oh my god why would you give someone flowers like flowers go away and die chanelle is for life then chanelle also just not for shnell's not for life either i hate to break it dude did you ever see the simpsons where marge simpson gets a shnell

Chanel outfit did not last. So then Kelsey's like lying around on a pool floating. She goes, I don't look at myself as a sugar baby. My boyfriend is actually attractive. The money is just a plus. Oh, God. You're a sugar baby. Spoiler alert. She's a sugar baby. Yeah, you're a sugar baby. You're still a sugar baby.

I mean, it doesn't matter if he's hot or not. I mean, that is definitely a plus. The hotness is a plus for sure. So then we hear that Ashley isn't from here. So she's actually new to the group. And Ashley's like, oh, my God, I'm tired of everybody yelling and fighting all the time. So eventually we sort of land at Alicia's house. And so we see Alicia with her guy, Billy, and she's like, I would love a glass of wine. I'm just so stressed.

And he's like, you want a glass of red wine now? She's like, yeah, just wine. I don't care about, I don't care of the color. My family's coming over. I'm stressed, you know? Because the thing is that, like, if her sentence ends with a consonant, She just doesn't say it. She'll be like, you know what I want?

I want a calculator. I need, you know what? I'm so hot. I'm really hot right now. So her daughter's in there. She's setting the table and her daughter's like, deck the halls with fast. They're like, why are you singing deck the hall?

She goes, because the last time I set the table, it was Christmas. So it's true. Oh my God. My daughter, Selena, she's by mini-be. We'll be shopping. She'll be like, oh, this is cute. And I'll be like, oh, my God. No, this is.

It's cute. And also she loves Britney Spears. I love Britney Spears. We're basically the same. Hey, basic. We have the crackers. I know. We're the crackers.

Okay, they're here. Relax. You're in the restaurant biz. I thought you'd be better at this. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Billy owns a bunch of restaurants. My favorite is Pizza Mama.

Okay. And we see Pizza Mama. And there's like a big poster, like a sexy poster for her in the pizza shop. She's like, yeah. pizza mama. I'm thinking of a new picture. And he's like, yeah, you were the one that made me do the girly pizza place. So yeah, whatever you want.

And we see the pizza place. It is not girly. It is just a regular pizza place. And then a sexy picture of his wife. Like, you know what? If you really love me, you'd sexualize me in your pizza shop. All right. And then we get a call.

She's on the phone with Nikki. As Nikki her mom? Or one of the aunts? Because Nikki's like, We're all on the car on the way over. We're coming over. Yeah, it's one of the hands. She's like, how far are you?

I don't know. How am I supposed to know what we're even on? We're in a car trying to come to a godforsaken house. And you just hear the background in the van. It's like, kids squawking and ladies squawking. And Alicia is wearing, or Alicia, I'm sorry, we say Alicia because that's below deck, which we just did. So Alicia is sitting there in like a big, beated crucifix. It's like huge.

And a big black lace booby top. She's like, I got a big. I can tell you family. I got six ants and we all live in Rhode Island. And then we cut to the car with all the ants in there. And she's like, at least, uh, yeah, Alicia wants to move back to Cranston something really bad because she misses me a family. Oh yeah, well, it's just so far. You got to pack a lunch to go over there. I would be to your house four times, Nikki, back and on back, four times there and back already. Where are we going?

You know, when I was eight months pregnant, Billy had us move all the way to Providence. It was terrible. And then we see it's 15 minutes away from Cranston. Oh, my God. Fifteen minutes. You have to drive by six Starbucks just to get the Providence. It was terrible. And her duties in the back, like,

drinking out of a flash. She's like, all right, it's time to go in. Hold on. All right. I'm ready. I'm ready. So they've all got like 19 13 trays of food each. Geez. My grandfather opened Superior Bakery in lots of other places. He was well known on

Rhode Island. Yeah, for his gauly bakeries. How quiet Billy. So then they're like, oh, Billy, love the house. Don't get me wrong. But I said, you know, we could build a beautiful one in Cranston. You got to come to Cranston. She's like, yeah, Billy, what a wedding you guys could have out there. God, if you had it, you could come to Cranston, you could have the most beautiful wedding out here. Why? We got to go to Cranston for a wedding. We could do it right here. You got a beautiful house here, huh, Billy? Let's have a wedding here in this house. He's like, oh, my God, a wedding. Talk to your niece. Me and Billy got engaged

when I was seven months pregnant and that was nine years ago. And Anita's like, well, Billy, I want you to get your swagger back. Bang on against the wall or something like that. Oh my God. Oh my God. It's like, Hey, can we eat? It's like, okay, let's go. Oh my God. So we brought over sauce with a side of sauce on top of

sauce. And before that, we do have a nice appetizer. We have sauce. Oh, and for the salad, we made a Caesar salad without the lettuce, just to dressing, so enjoy. Just give me a straw. So Antonita's like, Alicia, you've seen Liz? She's got a big fear of frogs. Congratulations, Liz.

That's how you're being introduced to America. Fear of frogs. Guess what we don't have in Cranston? Frogs. I don't know. Think about it. I've known Liz since I was born. I remember her being beautiful.

She was older than me. She's always made me nervous. She was the queen, Queen Elizabeth. God, we all love Elizabeth. Yes, and as we soon find out when we meet Liz, when you look at her, you think, God, she reminds me of Queen Elizabeth. She just lives in the most gorgeous castle. And so we go see the castle, and it's in Cranston. And Liz is, I do see why they call her a queen.

Liz has, like, night armor in her house. She's got, like, a night armor, and she drinks out of, like, silver goblets, like, from medieval. medieval times what's like a mansion with some she's a macsion with like some kind of like gothic elements more like chateau elements or whatever i remember i i i can't visualize it but i remember looking at it being like this doesn't really look like a castle it's just like a house with some pointy elements and they're like the medieval props like she's got to braid around the top of her head like a it's medieval times it's like a new it's a new medieval times and she taught i can't even do a voice, by the way, voices are going to take a while on this because they're all so different

and there's so many people. But she sounds to me exactly like Meredith Marks, not our imitation of Meredith Marks, but how Meredith Marks actually talks. Like she has the same exact voice. It's freaking me out. Did you know? To me, it's like Dolores voice because she and Dolores when they talk together, they sound the same. It's so, it's like, if Dolores is like this, she's like, she's like this. She's like Dolores and Meredith Marks mixed together. She's talking like this, because Alicia is more like, she talks a little bit up here. She's like, okay, whatever, whatever. I don't have to get married.

I don't want to go back to Quanson. But then Liz like, hi, look, Gungh. Look, it's a beautiful day Ganges. Look Ganges. Look how beautiful this is. Look how beautiful this is. Which I think is her cat. Whatever.

I don't remember what her cat's name is. It's her cat on a leash. She's got a cat on her leash named Ganges because she sells weed. So she named her cat Gondja. Right, of course. Yeah, so she's like walking the cat down the dock outside of their house. And she's like, isn't this gorgeous? Isn't that gorgeous? Okay. You know, everyone says I'm blonde and I bite people's heads off. And I get all, I get this a lot lately. You know, I could be

scary. Ooh. Hey, Jerry, Jerry McGraw, you want to drink something or want. Yeah, I met Jerry at bar. It was when this whole ancestry thing was taken off. You look at Jerry and you look at me. No one's going to say we're related, but we are related somewhere down the line. Because when I met Jerry, he told me he had three girls and they were little, and I was not prepared to be him. I'm like, can we go back to the being related thing? Like, can we not scroll past that? It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappence commercial. Yeah, somewhere down the line, we were related, I don't know, was maybe like one generation ago, something like that. Anyway, he's got three kids. They're my aunt daughter. They're my niece daughters, I called them.

and I was not prepared to be mom. I'm in school, uniform, hair, bags, lunches, leashes. I got to, you know, but I got to drive away. And they're like, oh, God, stop. Like, Skyla's not in the car yet. Skyla's one foot from the car. Like, I have to, I can't, I don't even know who these kids are. Okay.

So we go into her closet, and it does look like a dressing room in Branson, Missouri. It is all sequins and feathers, basically. And she's like, Jerry, can we discuss the day, Jerry? Come into the closet. So he comes. And she's like, I'm not going to do this. the bundle bag this year, Jerry. Jerry and I own a cannabis dispensary. That's right. Yeah, we were one of the first on the East Coast. I like to believe that we trailblazed,

emphasis on the blaze, if you know what I'm saying. My husband slash brother is kind of a cannabis, so kind of cannabis king, you know, so by proxy, I'm the queen of weed, right? And Liz's like, I'm going to take the dingy, by the way, to lunch, okay? It would be nice to meet Kelsey while it's a nice day, huh? So she gets on this little inflatable thing that like, like a life raft. She's like, all right, here I go. And rock music is playing.

It's like, Dana, yeah, I'm on the dinghy. That's right, motherfuckers. All right. I'm not nice.

And by the way, the talk on Twitter is that Liz has mob connections. Because I guess there was like over a thousand phone calls, um, between her and this like, uh, guy who, like a New England crime boss

who's currently like under trial, whatever and they're like, yeah, Liz, Liz is got ties to the New England mob. I'm like, yeah. Duh. What else is due? You already know this. We just met her. We know this.

Yeah. So we she's going to meet Kelsey and we see Kelsey. She's being brought to lunch in a black car and she's like, thanks, Don. Or whatever her chauffeur is. She's like, thanks.

And she's like the hot young one or a hot young one. There's a couple on this one. And Liz is like, I know Kelsey because I grew up with a boyfriend. Kelsey and a boyfriend, they've got the age disparity. But I didn't think he's that old because actually he's my age. So then Liz is on her dingy, like going across the harbor. She's like, yeah, I'm Liz. I'm in the mafia and I got a dingy.

Okay. Oh, God, my hat. All right. Well. And then we got to Kelsey. I've lost a crown. Kelsey's like, Oh, God, my armpits.

I already have swamp ass waiting for you. What's going on? Nothing wrong with a little swamp ass here or there. I'm all right. Dolly, I'm going to put this napkin down so my ass doesn't sweat. Dolly, what do you want? Let me guess. Gin.

What are you going to have gin? And she's like, gin was, gin was mother's milk to her. I was like, wait. Oh, my God, you said it? I said it. I say you said it. I said it. Come on. What do we, sisters? I didn't know that that was from my fair lady.

Of course, I looked up. I knew they were alluding to something. But I don't know my fair lady very well. And I just thought it was funny. They never got past act one. I just was like, I can't believe that this lady, this like super like spray tanned Bafia type, gonga queen who looks like Dolores, who just took a dingy to lunch and lost her had along the way is now sitting here quoting my. fair lady.

They call me Queen Elizabeth for nothing you know, like the rain in Spain falls mainly in Rhode Island, right guys? Yeah. I'm saying, uh, I'll have a Hendrix, a spicy tuna and extra lemons, please. And then we see Kelsey and she's messing with her lemon. She goes, oh my God, I got to take all the lemon seeds out of here. God, this disgusting. She goes, oh, that's right. You got a crazier aversion to lemon seeds. Kelsey, am I right?

this one. Does Kelsey know that if, that like she doesn't have to drink the lemon seeds that they fall off in her water? Did she know that? They're not, it's like, it's not mandatory. They have to eat them.

In fact, most people don't. It's an a version. It's an a version. What are you going to do? Yeah. So, so the 4th of July,

what are you thinking? She's like, I don't know. Well, I mean, he's not going to be in, you know, able to be in town.

But when I get my free time, and I'm solo. I really love it. You know, yeah, I mean, look at you. You got everything. You got everything that everyone could ever imagine. Blu, blo, blo, blo, blo blo, blo blo blo, blo blo blo blo blo blo blo blo blo blo blo blo. And then we see shots of Kelsey's mansion. And Kelsey, we meet Kelsey now. Liz, can you not get the flashback sound effects?

Thanks so much. It just does sound good with you. Blub, blah, blah, blah, blah. So we go to her mansion. She's like, I've been a lady Alicia for 10 years now, living in a 16,000 square foot home. I mean, the house has literally everything I need. Four kitchens, 79 TVs. I mean, the closet, that's the best.

79 TVs. Could you imagine having to go to a different room to watch your peacock? And it's like, could you sign in? Sign in on this one. No, sign in on this one. You want to watch your Netflix again? I don't think you're in the same household. You want to pay another $30 a month, fuck?

Yeah, seriously. Also, that's like a lot of TVs. So then there's a painting of her with the Miss Rhode Island. She got to be Miss Rhode Island, so that's exciting. And she's like, you know, you have to go to a different zip code just to get to the bedroom. My boyfriend's family is probably one of the most prominent families in the state of Rhode Island. And he has allowed me to live a life of not being allowed to work. What?

I have the privilege of not being allowed to do something. Yeah. And we see pictures of them as a couple, but his face is ripped out of everyone. Like, did you guys do this after the breakup? Whereas this guy also mob connected because I have a feeling. So she's like, yeah, I saw him when he was 19. I mean, the guy's tall. He's dark.

He's handsome. We made out for two hours straight. I didn't even come off the air. But when we started dating 10 years ago, he's the reason I became Miss Rhode Island. Wow. If I didn't have that push from him and those judges didn't have a threat of a push from him, I wouldn't have ever had the boss to do it. Like how many judges died in the...

the making of you. I know, Miss Rhode Island. How many of them were approached in parking lines like, A, if you don't make Kelsey Miss Rhode Island, then you're going to be sleeping in Rhode Island. If you know what I'm saying, like in the water around Rhode Island, because it's not definitely an island, but you know in the beach. I want Kelsey to be bigger than Mrs. Mama Pizza. You got it? Listen, we watched Game of Crowns. That was the first show on bravo that took place in rhode island partially and that was about mrs america pageants and that there was literally a storyline of someone threatening to murder someone's because of the pageant so like we know this should happens the us road island and mob connections they've got

it going on in that town they really do so we see her plaques like her numerous plaques one says first runner up and then another one says most photogenic oh i feel so sad for kelsey why Why? She's the saddest of all of them. She's so sad. She's living a very sad existence. She looks so bored. And she's like, you know what? He's a good man.

And for five months out of the year, he's gone. I'm in a literal empty house with 79 TVs as just me. Me watching Love Island from room to room to room to room. Imagine what it must be like to be in a villa with even just one other person. Yeah. She's like, I'm bored. I'm bored in the house by myself. My relationship, she calls him.

She calls him. She's like, honey, I'm bored. He's like, I don't care. Fuck off. She's like, okay, love you too. Call me soon. It's like, ah. My relationships vary inauthoredics.

This mandates multiple peoples. And for the first half of the year, my boyfriend's in Miami. And when he's in Miami, he's with someone else. But now, what? Girl, come on. Is this that, is this that, is this that one side of monogamy I've been reading about? from the Manosphere. Yes.

Exactly. Is that a thing? One-sided monogamy? Jeez. That's what, apparently in the Manosphere documentary that's on Netflix, the guys are saying that like,

yeah, we engage in one side of monogamy. Then the New York Times even wrote an article about like, what is one-sided monogamy? Oh, for Christ's sake. No, and as cheating. So, um, she's like,

but now I'm at a crossroad. I just hit 30 and I want more for myself. I want a committed relationship. But at his age and his life, There's nothing he's going to change and he is who he is. And if I can't accept it, I have to leave. Like, well, I guess you're going to have to leave. You're a silly situation.

And it's not the, I really want to leave this great relationship. It's like, I don't want to leave all this money. Like, I'm bored, but shit, being better is poor. Being better is, being bored is better than being poured, you know. So Kelsey's like, yeah, you know, the good is always outweighed the bad though. We're back at lunch now. And Liz is like, I get. that. You don't want to be second federal. She goes, yeah, I thought I'd be in his life as long as he

wanted me. And, you know, I'm not in control of that, you know, but that's okay. She's like, yeah, and you're okay with that, but now you're growing into your skin. You're maturing. Your skin's getting looser. It's starting to sack a little bit. You got more room to grow in there. You know what I mean? She's like, uh, listen, this is a decision you don't have to make. Okay, your crow's feet will make it for you. You're going to be out on the curb soon enough. So don't worry about it. Enjoy it while you got it. Well, why quit your life? job when you're about to be laid off of being aged out anyway. That's what I say.

I feel like a long time. I don't know what the right thing is to do. You know, she's like, well, because I do love them and that's what hurts. Well, I know it's hard having it all. And then having to make it all your own. Okay, all on your own. That's a very hard thing for someone like you who's talentless has no skills. And quite frankly, it seems a little bit dumb, you know?

I mean, really, it's going to be hard with the girl with swamp ass. I'm not going to lie to you. But you could do it. You could do it. Keep that napkin between your cheeks and march on floor with young lady. Yeah, you know what? There's always going to be another lemon to DC'd. So go to it, ma'am.

So then we go to Wakefield, Rhode Island, and we're in a matunic. Matunic restaurant. Matlock. And Matlock restaurant. Well, I'm just your happy next door neighbor, but I did happen to notice you love Float spatter all over the front porch. Joe Ellen and Gary are at lunch. And Joellen looks just like Jen Aiden to me.

I think she is like a dead ringer. I do not see that whatsoever. To me, she look more like Courtney Frayne from two judgy girls. Oh. Okay, I can see that. So Gary's like, we got the best seat in the house here. We're going to have a good night if we start out with shots. He's got kind of the emerald voice, which I like.

And Joellen's like, I got married in high school. He was his house senior and I was this innocent freshman. I'd go to his locker and I'd be like, hi. And then he finally said, oh, you're Jen's little sister. Oh my God, my sister loved him. She loved him. Jen, he did my sister. Yeah.

And automatically, I loved this storyline because she stole her husband from her sister. Yes. Yep. And we see pictures of them at prom and everything. And Joe's like, Joellen's like, Joellen's like, yeah, but I was going to marry this man. And so I chased him. And finally, I got him. You know, so by the way, the sun will set and it will be beautiful. It'll be just like a wedding. I think it's funny and kind of like, I think it back. And I kind of drifted apart from the people in the wedding party now that I think about it. It's like, yeah, well, I basically hang with all my guys still, all my friends. She's like, yeah, I know, I know. I just have so much trouble with everyone all the time. I just really don't know why anybody tells me anything. Because when anybody says, you know, don't tell anyone, like, of course I'm going to not tell anyone. I'm not going to not tell anyone. I'm not going to not tell anyone. like just like my best friend and then like my other best friend and then I tell everyone not to tell anyone and then I tell everyone basically I'm Joe Ellen It's like oh honey thanks for loving me for tolerating me. I know it's scary. Okay, I know I can come off as a bitch, but I'm not actually a bitch

I mean when people get to know me they're not as scared. I mean not as scared. I'm pretty scary. I'm Joe Ellen There's nothing not scary about someone who tells you how scary they are. Yeah, and I know I know. I think she gets pushed into lockers a lot. That's my, that's my guess. Or do you think people are really scared of her? I think people are annoyed by her probably. I like her, but I can imagine people be like, oh, Joellen again, talking 10 miles amount of 10, 10 miles in that 30 miles, whatever, 500 miles an hour. I was like, I was like trying to say out. She talked so fast and I gave her extremely low speed. I was like, she's probably talking 10 miles per hour. I'm just probably talking way under the speed limit. So Joe, he's like, I can't wait for the oyster. She's like, ah, you never know what you're going to get from me.

Either this, blah, la la la la, well, I'm going to go to sleep. And he's like, yeah, you know, we got to get out from the kids sometimes. Yeah, having three kids might as well be having 500 children. Am I right? God, it's so hard to get them dressed, especially when they're all sick. Like, I'm the type of mom who buys cookies, and then I throw them in a Tupperware to make the bake sale. What? I'm Joellen.

I'm crazy. woman of the people, you know. It's like, you know, it's been a tough year having three kids and going back to work. Like your mom is old school Italian. She didn't work, you know? You know, I'm in aesthetic sales. So I work a lot with plastic surgeons, endometologists, and med spas. And my counterpart will go in and sell devices for lasering and fat reduction in microneedling and body contouring.

And then I go in and I tell them how to use it. I'm like, hey, I'm Joelle and it's crazy. I like making my own money and not having to rely on Botox because he's like, what's this for? I'm like, probably for Botox, right? So then we go to Alicia and she's vacuuming now. And she's like, oh, my God, what is all this powder? Ah, the powder is coming out of the vacuum. No wonder.

No wonder. Who is vacuuming my powder? Come on. I can't. My vacuum has a cocaine problem. So then a pink jeep shows up and it's Rosie. And so Rosie looks just like Kelsey. And at first I thought they were the same person.

But it turns out they're not the same person. Um, so Alicia's, it happens a lot. It happens a lot in this show. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I love, look, we both have, we both have the pink skate. We both have the pink shoe things.

I love that we have the same ones. You're like a tourist and a model. And they're going to be asking you for your autograph. Wow. And I'm Rosie for two years now. What? I'm bad at math. That's not math.

I know. It's, it's just understanding dates and time. It's not math, Alicia. It's like, yeah, I'm bad at math. What can I say? The girl who does my Botox is her best friend. Anyway, she's fun. We got fun together.

You know, we became real close over the last year. I knew who she was anyway because she was a newscaster. So, yeah, so I knew who she was. You turn on the news, she's casting it. I can't remember if she was on Channel 5 or Channel 8. I'm bad at math. I'm bad at me. So we see Rosie doing traffic news.

And she's like, hello, this is Rosie. I'm doing some traffic. You got a backed up traffic there on the. the 404, and that's pretty bad. No one likes traffic. Am I right? Rosie. I initially found out about, I initially found out my stepfather had a crush on her,

and I wanted to throw up in my mouth, especially when one time I saw him jerking off to Rosie on the television. I said, Dad, what you doing? Rosie's like, well, I was a TV reporter and anchor on the number one TV station here in Rhode Island. Yeah, we got a solid 20,000 people per day. And I don't think it's a shock to anyone. that the only people watch the news in the last 10 years are 50 plus.

Am I right? So if I don't go somewhere and no one says, my grandfather loves you, then I've had a bad day. So they walk around on their skate things, their bouncy skate things. Bouncy jeans, whatever they are. And Alicia's like, By the way, happy anniversary.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. She's like, yeah, Rich and I have been married one year, which is probably by far my best friend, Rich. He's my biggest supporter. Rich has a million hobbies and make him money. He flips houses with his uncle. He DJs.

He sings. And then we see a clip of Rich and a white tucks at a party being like, Hey, you want to hear Sinatra tune? I got one for you right here. Fly me to the moons. Does anyone want to hear my hobby I've been working on that Bravo will not pay the licensing fees for? Here we go. Here's my song.

I hope you enjoy that, everyone. It's like they're never going to play any Sinatra. Like, congratulations, you will not be, you've got to find a new artist to get behind. So, Rosie's like, Brinks and Atrasinga, not an impersonator. He gets very upset when people say that. And so Alicia's bouncing up and now, she's like, oh my God, this is a vibe. This is a vibe here. I do have fun with Rosie.

This is like my favorite exercise. It's good for your lymphatic system of something. So Rosie's like, this was the most cardio I've done in a while. Yeah, me too. I almost died. I was trying to do James Fonda's, you know, but. It's so much math. Okay, so talk to me about this picnic you're doing.

It's like, oh, it's an event for my TV show. So I have a lifestyle show that airs on Saturdays and Sundays, and I just do things with local businesses, you know, because in Rhode Island, we have businesses. And we see a clip of Rosie on some in some restaurant kitchen talking to the staff. She's like, I had to starve myself for two days to do this shoot because I took Ozempick like two days ago. Could you believe it?

She says, yeah, we're shooting a picnic. It's actually a collab I'm doing with. the company that does like posh picnics, so we're going to set up a picnic. We might as well shoot the segment and then have some of my friends come by so we can actually enjoy it. I'm worried, though, because Joe Allen's going to be there. Do you think she'll be nice? Oh, yeah.

I don't know how to put her in her place. You know, I don't know how to put her in her place a lot, you know? She goes, yeah, tomorrow you just may have to. You know, I met Joellen through Alicia and they're in a clique. And Liz and Kelly are in the click as well. And I want to be friends with everyone. But here's the thing. If you want to be in the clique, you have to be friends with Joellen.

And I told her to her face, you can be really nice when you're not being mean. But they haven't let me into the click. So I'm bringing her to a picnic because it sort of sounds like click. I'm going to call it the pick, the pick click nick. I'm workshopping it still. Well, I think that Joellen, you know, she's just so insecure about being a villain in her life. Well, then she should stop being one. Yeah, but you know what?

She's always putting the villain thing on everyone else. So no one's looking at her as the villain. But then she's really the villain. But she's insecure about being a villain. Poor thing. I mean, it's a rough lot to live. The reason I'm nervous about Joellen is because we just had this casual day at her house and she invited everyone over and everyone wore sweatpants and then she said nasty things about me when she thought I couldn't hear her. But I clock everything, okay? Because I'm someone who has a

local lifestyle show that airs on the weekends during the lowest, the worst rated time slot for the market, the Rhode Island market. Don't talk to me about clocks. I'm terrible with me, us. I mean, we've all heard the rumors. I mean, like, it's crazy what people say about Joellen. I didn't know she was a swinger. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I was trying to, like, kind of, you know, bring it out slowly there, Alicia. Yeah, well, I heard the rumor, but I still want to know. I'm nosy. Call me nosy. You know why they call me nosy? Because I'm nosy. I'm going to know. I hear you a swinger.

Are you a swinger? Tell me. Nozy, Rosie. like I knew I knew Joellen growing up. I was best friends with Jen, Jen, Jen, her sister. You know Jen, right? Jen and Joellen, you know. So I did community.

I did communing with Gary and we had a confirmation together. So I'm still really close with Gary. So not as close with him and his sister as well. I'm like, well, thanks for that story. So the person was like, what do you mean? Because she says it like, not as close as him and his sister. And they're like, what do you mean? She goes, well, Jen and Gary, you know, maybe they might have a little thing, you know,

in high school. I don't know. What? Who am I? Just a nosy person. I'm like, I hate to break it to you, but Joellen already said this. Joelan already was like, yeah, I stole him from my sister.

Yeah, I know. Joe Ellen loves how to put out a fire. That's what I like about Joellen. She comes on here and she's like, I'm the bitch of the group. Everybody hates me. And I'm fucking my, I married my sister's ex. Fuck buddy.

Whatever. Commercials. Here comes one right now. And now a new segment. that may be only on this episode. Bird report. Bird report. Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet,

bird. Hey, what's that bird? What's that bird over that long, that long bird? Is that an, is that an ostrich? I don't know. What is that? A pigeon? Pigeon.

Is it a pigeon ostrich? Oh my God. Is that a parrot? It's a bald. Oh my God. It's America. America's right here. That's a flamingo.

It's a brown flamingo. Someone got mud on the flamingo. Oh, my God. It's an anorexic swan. Maybe it's a swan who took Ozempic. Oh my god, is this one that lost all its feathers? It's a featherless swan. Oh my God, plus one.

And the title comes up. It's like, it's a heron. The heron the entire time is like, I'm a heron. I'm obviously a heron. I've been a heron. I'm a gray heron. And I don't know how many times I have to walk around these beaches for you guys to know who the fuck I am. I've been here all this.

I've been here before you and I'll be here after you. Fish rapport. I mean, bird rapport. Bird rapport. Bird rapport. This has been the bird report. So now we go to Goddard Beach and Rosie's setting up for her picnic with her assistance and stuff. And she shows up in like a leopard bodysuit thing and saying, growing up, I wanted to be Ryan Seacrest.

I would interview my teddy bears. I even had blonde highlights that went in all sorts of different directions. I couldn't get my jaw and hinged enough to open my mouth that much, but I'm still trying. I'm still trying. So now she puts on her news voice. And she's like, hey guys, I'm Rosie Woods. We're having a posh picnic today at the beach. This is Kara.

Kara, what do you do here? And Kara's like, I'm the chief salami officer. She goes, of chakouterie relations. No, chakouterie creations. Sorry. So you have to keep talking because my mouse just died and I can't scroll on my notes. I have to plug in my manual thing. I wish my mouse would give me some sort of like up, like, I wish like this,

mouse has to like tell me when it's dying. So that way I know to like charge it. Because like now I'm stuck in the middle of Rhode Island. I'm paralyzed. I'm literally paralyzed. Okay. Manuel mouse going I'm paralyzed. Chief Salami officer. So Alicia and Joe Allen show up. And Jo Ellen's like, I'm here because Alicia wanted me to come. However, I'm not a fan of Rosie. Oh God. I'm going to watch one of a stupid news videos right now. Oh, God. News on video. What this one's about road tripping or something? Listen, oh, God, I just want you to know, there's 215 views on this video. God, oh, damn it, I gave her a view. Gave her a view.

I'm still paralyzed. So they're checking up this picnic. Come on, mouse. Get with it. Alicia's like, oh, my God, it's beautiful. I'm going to enjoy. I'm going to literally die. What a beautiful picnic.

Okay, well, get your gift bags, girl. So Ashley comes, and she meets Joellen and Alicia. Ashley is the bachelor chick. She's nude. We haven't met her yet. So she's like, oh, I brought you a little gift, Rosie. Thanks for inviting me. She's like, well, if there's one thing that will warm up a Rhode Island crowd, it's Duncan.

So I got her some Duncan for a gift. And I feel like she was trying to set up the whole group to be like, like, oh my God, I love Duncan. I love Duncan. And she was like, you know what they're going to do? As since I say, that's going to be like a round Robin of everyone saying, I love Duncan. I go to Duncan at night. I get a cul-a-law. No one, no one paid attention.

Everyone just kept them going. She's like, Duncan guys, right? They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to talk about some other stuff. So Rosie's like, Ashley's my really good friend. We both love boy bands, the Disney Channel, all the dumb things teen girls care about. Except we're much older than that. Well, other than the fact that she was on The Bachelor and Super Famous, we're basically the same person.

I'm kind of like, I'm like the local news, Rhode Island version of Ashley. So I'm like, we're basically the same kind of star, right? I'm not only a non-famous Ryan Seacrest. I'm also a non-famous Ashley. I mean, they just keep stacking up. So Ashley says, I'm married to Jared Haven, Rhode Island Native, and very proud. And I met him on Bachelor in Paradise. And, you know, when I met him for the first time, I was like, oh, my God, this is like a love at first sight thing.

And then it turned out to be true. Okay, that's cutting out a lot of the story. The story was, oh my God, Jared is so cute. He's like, I mean, I like you as my friend. And then he would go off and make out with everybody else. And then she would be like, and sob. And then by the end, after he got fucked over by like five different girls and kept getting dumped and he still needed to stay on the show, he stayed with Ashley to make it through the show. Another married.

Isn't it romantic? He does really seem like he sucks. He also, he kind of looks like Nico from below deck met. Remember Nico the Bosen? Yes, of course. It's sort of like a Bachelor version of Nico a little bit, I think. I think he looks like an elf in a video game. And I think he's super cute.

And he has like a really big job. I've always thought Jared is super cute, but kind of a dick. He seems like a dick, yeah. Yeah. And she's like, well, we've been married six years. So we're in like the real part of the fairy tale where real stuff is happening. You know, like go poopy kids. Does anyone have to go poopie?

It's hard. People say our love is so inspiring and those people are me. And just know that we're both on the couch. And at the end of the night, we're just going like this. You know. She makes some motion with her thumbs. Like, does she mean eating or? I think like she's like, we're just sitting there eating and gnaishing.

I'm like, are people saying your love is inspiring? Is that a thing that's happening? So then she's like, I'm from Virginia. I met my husband on The Bachelor. We got married at the Kay Chapel in Newport. And then we had a reception in Rosewood. And I will say that Rhode Island is different because it's so close knit. And Alicia's like, yeah, if I didn't see you in kindergarten, it's a problem.

She goes, yeah. Thanks, Alicia. You feel really welcome here. Yeah, if I didn't see you in kindergarten, it's a problem. Oh, you're going to beat me up. God damn. She's like, yeah, I've never been to a state where people are so proud to be from it, you know? Yeah, I haven't really in the four years, you know, been here, made my own friend group here.

I wonder if it's because I'm just like unrelentingly annoying. I don't know. She's like, yeah, I think it's just really hard a place to infiltrate because it's like, if you're not from Rhode Island, it's like, you're like a suspect, you know. I mean, right guys? Like, no, we just find just really annoying and stupid. That's it. It has nothing to do with by the year from Rhode Island.

We just say that as an excuse so we don't seem like total bitches, but we just don't like you. So Joe Allen's like, oh yeah, well, Kelsey came over. She's going through a lot, guys, a lot. And then we see a clip of Kelsey being like, I just rely on him so much. Like I just, I wouldn't have to worry about how much things cost. I mean, I'm 31 now, you know? I've had like 11 years of sugar. What am I going to do?

You can't just cut somebody off from their sugar. I'm going to be poor and 30, 31. Oh, God. And we cut back and she's like, yeah, you know, she's in between what she wants. And Rosie's like, so you mean a personal change? She goes, yeah, you know, I mean, like she's 31 and she's a, you know, she's Delvo. I don't know what she said there. She's a Delvo.

She's a, she's a, she's a, she's a, she's a, she's a, she's 31 and she's a dumb, maybe a dumbo, dumbo, dumbo, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, it's, it's play that game. So, like, okay, okay, we're going to play a game because it sounds like you're about to talk about something interesting. So let's do the Bravo tradition of slowing down the entire scene so we can have a stupid game. Okay, never have I ever. Okay, I'll start up. Put up five fingers. Never have I ever done any butt stuff. I was just like, oh, okay, okay.

Put your finger down. You've done it? You've done it? And Joellen's like, yeah, I did it. And Rose is like, okay, well, I like my guy. I like my guys with skinny weeners, you know, for butt stuff, things like that. And Alicia's like, if anyone, if anyone else. never actually touched my butt, I would get a gun and killed them.

Okay, never have I ever had a threesome? And Alicia's like, okay, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And Joelan goes, you've never had me threesome? I'm like, never, Joelan, no. Joelan! Okay, I've got one. Never have I ever been a polygamist. Well, what is that? I'm not good at math. I can't, what is the polys? I don't know shapes like. that. Rosie says if you have like a boyfriend and a boyfriend somewhere else, you know, like I thought Kelsey was that. I mean, doesn't her boyfriend have a girlfriend and a girl, wait, doesn't her boyfriend have a girlfriend here and a girlfriend in Florida? And Joan's like, oh, yeah, I don't know. You should ask her. She says, yeah, well, there's just so many rumors. I mean, I don't know anything about it.

Yeah, well, there's a lot of rumors about everybody. Aren't there Rosie? This is what bothers me about Rosie. She's constantly talking shit, whether it would be me or Kelsey or any other friend. And I would actually pick up the phone and be like, before I embarrass you in front of people, I want to take ownership of this. But she's like, well, there's a person said this and I did this and only because of that. And there's always an excuse with her.

So Alicia's like, I just want to know who you, who do you want to get, who do you want to spend Christmas with? You know, what do you spend Thanksgiving with this one and Christmas with that one and another and another? Like, I get it. But you get double presents. I get it. Like, what?

Rosie's like, what do you mean double presents? Because, you know, Christmas, what do you buy for both? What do you buy? What do you buy for both? She's like, but I thought her boyfriend had another girlfriend. What are you saying? She has another boyfriend too. She goes, and John's like, if you have a question, ask her.

That's all I'm saying. Rosie, you constantly talk shit and I don't love that. I don't love that, Rosie. And Rosie's like, well, I'm a nosy person. Nosey Rosie. I ask questions. I got follow-up questions. What do you expect for me?

I used to be a reporter, almost Ryan Seacrest. Listen, when you've done the hard work of asking questions of local bakers on a Saturday afternoon Lifetime show, you'll learn how to ask the questions, okay? It's called follow-up. It's called journalism. It's called Walter Cronkite. She's, okay. You know, it's actually hilarious that you would say that because I heard you were talking shit

about me, and Joellen's like, that's not true at all. She was like, well, and I still invited you to my picnic to be nice to you. Aren't you enjoying this picnic? She goes like, okay, it's okay, I'm here. I'm here. So, of course, I'm enjoying it. Well, when we went to your house, you talk shit about me to Kelsey, and I heard you talking shit about the wine that I brought.

She goes, but the wine was very cheap. It was very, very cheap. But you said I was evil, and not even children would like me. Just, well, I don't think I said that to your face, but I do feel that way. I do. If you don't want me talking about what you've done to me, then stop doing fucked up shit to me, and that will be the solution. And you didn't have to come to my fucking picnic, okay?

I didn't have to pay $1,000 for your gift bag. She goes, oh, shut the fuck up. Are you like out of your mind? Are you out of your mind? $1,000 for the gift bag. Joellen likes to throw chips when she can't. She's got to side to her where she switches up real quick. And if she knows something mean, she can't say she can say she's going to say it.

You know, that's the beauty of Joelling. That's the beauty of her. The beauty of her. You know, she's just always going to go for the jugular. That's the beauty of her. That's why we love her. So Rosie's like, I invited you here as a nice. Olive Brands and you're literally just being like yourself.

And she's like, I don't know what victim cards you're trying to play here. But come on. She goes, oh, God, you're the one that's being mean to me. Just leave me alone. Okay. All right, all right. Don't cry. Don't cry.

And so Rosie's like, I'm just so nice to everybody. I'm trying. And you're like so mean. And I don't like that you think I'm a bad person. Am I nosy, Rosie? Yes, but I'm not a bad person. I'm trying really hard to be a good person. Okay, listen, Rosie, listen, listen.

I'm not trying to make you cry. Okay? Let's start over. Let's start from here. She's like, but you're trying to turn everyone against me. No, no, no, no, no. I just want to move on. I'm bored with you already. Let's move on.

Okay, let's start now fresh. Let's start fresh now from here. Pears are mean to me. Okay, well, you didn't start then. Let's start fresh again right now. Right now. Right the second. Everybody, everybody put your hands in.

Everyone put your hands in the center. Okay. How many hands do we got here? Sixteen hands. I'm bad at math. I don't know. I can't do it. put your hands on top.

Okay, go ahead. Joel and make a speech. Okay, everyone, now that we have our hands in the center, like we're about to go play a soccer game, I'm trying really hard. And I want to start over with you. 24, six, eight. Who do we appreciate?

Sorry, Alicia. I know that was hard for you. Oh, my blood. My brain hurts. It hurts. Do I have to answer that question? I can't follow it. I lost that.

After four, I lost count. Like, okay, look, I'm having a Fourth of July party, Rosie included, I want to invite all you guys to it. Okay, come to my 4th of July party, okay? I haven't been to a 4th of July party ever. We don't have those in Virginia. God, Rhode Island is so unique. Okay, you can go to Ashley. And Rosie, I'm here because I just want to get past the bullshit. Okay, let's start over right now. Pretend that speech never happened. It's like, well, I'm hopeful we can move forward and go to the 4th of July party and have a good time, but I'm nervous. I'm just going to try and come up with a really cute gift, though.

So I have to figure that out. Boxed wine. Maybe she's never had wine in a box. I don't know. By the way, is Ashley just that annoying that she's just never been invited to a Fourth of July party in a Southern state? I've never heard of that. That's crazy. I know.

I've never heard of that either. That's weird. So she's like, okay, well, I say that we say cheers to a fresh start. And I've had a great time with you, except for all the fighting you guys. God, you guys fight so much. and they're out of champagne. They're like, Ashley, you're out of champagne. So now we go to South Kingstown, Rhode Island,

and we're at Audrey's Coffee House and Lounge. Yeah. Jared is the barista there, the husband. And she's like, oh my God, I'm so happy to have my car back. Yeah, you got to have a big ass car, right? And she's like, yeah, by the way, I'm not a coffee day. Can I get a turtle? I've never heard of a turtle as a coffee drink before,

but I'm already annoyed at it. So she's like, it's been four years since we opened up Audrey's coffee shop and lounge. And it's been four years up and asking, who's Audrey? So it's the second rated, just so everyone knows, it's the second rated celebrity-owned restaurant in the United States

with Bon Jovi being number one. And I'm like, that's actually really cool. Who is the celebrity who owns it, though? Oh. Is there, is it like, and he rates this stuff. I don't know that any of this is true.

Like, what is that? I would like to know who announced that it was the number two celebrity owned establishment in the country. There's so many questions about the celebrity dumb of it and the quality of it. Like, you know the place in Rhode Island where you can get that turtle? Yeah. Okay. I looked up the top. Well, that's prestige Hong Kong.

I don't know. Who do I look? Top chef celebrity owned restaurants. Okay. But would these be chefs? celebrities I don't know let's see so RPM steak in Chicago Bill and Juliana Rancic Pizana in Los Angeles Chris O'Donnell beer bar in Salt Lake Lake City Ty Borel Olae Red or Olred in Tishomingo Oklahoma Blake

Shelton Sunday Nashville Johnny Galecki Little Pine in Los Angeles Mobe Giatta in Las Vegas Giazza Swan in Miami Farrell Williams Ashley, it's not looking good here. Chicken plus beer in Atlanta, ludicrous. Nobu in New York City. Robert De Niro. I didn't know he owned Nobu.

God, I feel like an idiot. International Smoke in San Francisco, Aisha Curry. Buddy V's restaurant. Buddy Velastro. Bird bakery. Girl, I'm not seeing Ashley is the point. Okay.

I'm still going. Maybe they just don't qualify for the category. You know? It's celebrity owned. This is a little. Shut up. Tazine and Beverly Hills is Ryan Gossling. I didn't know he owned Tashine.

Yes, he does. Yes, he opened in like 2005. That's lasted a long time. Yeah, I've actually never, I've always wanted to go there. For 20 years, I've wanted to go there, and I've never actually been there. Well, who knew? So, anyway, don't see you on the list, Ash. Sorry.

So, uh, Jared's like, oh my God, the ice machine's not working again. Fuck me. It's always something, I swear. Okay, is this a huge moneymaker? No. But we did think it would make more money than it is making. And she's like, okay, so Jared, so I met Joelle and he goes, hold on, hold on. Ava, what were you saying?

What were you saying about that drink? Okay, yeah, more fuzz. I got it. More about, okay. All right. Go ahead, honey. Well, I just, you know, I want to tell you about the Fourth of July party. Okay, hold on once.

Eva, I've got your latte latte, latte for Ava. Ava, Ava, AVA. Okay, Eva. So, yeah, the Fourth of July party. Okay. Carter? Carter. We have a, we have a cappuccino.

for Carter. Anyone? Well, Alyssa said she can take care of the kids. So tomorrow we have, you know, we're just going to reach out to Rich. Reba, Reba. Reba McIntyre. We have a hot tea. Is this the real Reba or is someone just pranking us?

Because if it's Reba, I'm going to have to ask for a picture. Okay. No. Rosie was mentioning us carpooling because she's nervous. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. Were you, oh, I don't know what you were talking about, but I'll just, I heard the last words also. Yeah, because she has to see Joellen. Like, well, you know, from what I heard

Rosie from Rosie beforehand, Joellen had this whole bunch of ladies over at her house and Rosie brought over a $6 bottle of wine to which I totally would do the same. Okay, okay. Yeah, can we get some whole milk over here? Okay, everyone does not subsist on oat milk. Okay, I'm going to do I even have a runner today? Do I have a runner? Am I, am I coffee bar masturbating where I'm just doing this all alone? Somebody help me. Katie, Katie, we have a flat white, flat white. Sorry, Ashley, don't get confused. I know that's my pet name for you.

Okay, Katie, Katie, anyone. So Ashley's like, well, when Jared first opened up Audrey's, he was working 100 hours a week. I mean, well, he's adjusted to his hours, but he still focuses all his time and energy at Audrey's. And there's two kids at home, and Audrey's our third child. So this is my thing about this place, Jared. I know that you love it,

but you don't light up. about it. And you could be living a more enjoyable life by doing something. I don't know what it is yet. I'm just going to like throw this out of your hanging out with me and your family. I don't know. Like just I don't know. I was like thinking off the top of my head. Just spitballing. I don't know what it is. It's just that I can go weeks without seeing you smile ever. And he's like, I know. I'd just like to point out, Jared is not lighting up around you either. I was about to say. He literally just walked in and he has not smiled once either. Oh my God. I think I think maybe the operative phrase to add on to that is I haven't seen you smile at me. It's like I'm smiling usually a lot when you're not in here. But when you're in here, there's not a lot of smiling. Yes. And I have to say he was like this on Bachelor too. She was like, oh my God. Like I finally found my best friend. We're going to get married right? And he's like, it's always been like this. Ashley, come on, man. So she's like, oh my God. Okay, you're constantly thinking about Audrey's and like I'm constantly thinking, how am I going to make Jared happy?

He's like, oh, Jesus, because she cries every five minutes, this girl. He's just like, oh, God, I don't want you to have to do that, honey. Of course I don't. Carter, get your goddamn drink. It's been sitting up here for five minutes. You know, Jared and I are influencers. He tries to influence people. I try to influence him.

We're not very good at our jobs. I have a bigger following than him. but he could still live a very wonderful life off of the following he has and the opportunities that come to him. But he wanted something outside of social media. And man, oh, man, did he get it? Look at that. Ruin up turtles. Turtles for his wife.

Like, can we just have fun, Jared? Can we just have fun? He goes, yeah, I guess I need to get better about it. Jason, poor Jason's been waiting on his drink. Jason, I'm so sorry. Carter took all of my time. Don't believe what you hear about Reba McIntyre. Okay.

Her restaurant sucks. By the way, I looked up what the turtle coffee drink was. And it's a decadent dessert-like beverage combining chocolate, caramel, and nutty flavors. Typically, pecan or hazelnut to mimic turtle candies, is commonly served as an iced latte, hot mocha, or blended frap. Featuring espresso milk, chocolate caramel syrups, and toppings like whipped cream and nuts. In other words, Barista's nightmare. So thanks a lot, Ashley, for... He's like, he's got all these things.

He's like, Eva, you're another latte for you. Riba McIntyre. your tea. Oh, hold on while I stop for 10 minutes to make this decadent, stupid ass beverage right now. I know. She's like, why are you so stressed? I just ordered the mojito of the coffee world.

No, there is a coffee mojito at Phil's and it's so good. I had it yesterday. So you're a hypocrite. No, but that's easy. That's just like coffee with like a mincepring in it. Like this one has like syrups and toppings and yada, yada, yada. Yeah, yeah. So

then we go over to Rosie's house and she's picking up her dress and she's like oh my god do you like a doggy and the dog he's runs out of the room and listen listen to your dog because rosy's the way rosy dresses is crazy she's she's wearing in one of her confessional she's wearing like a dress cut all the way down the middle with that ice skating shit in the middle and then like cuffs made out of big fake diamonds and like a feather boa type oh my goodness yes and i loved it yeah she looks crazy yeah absolutely crazy. So everybody's doing glam and getting ready for the party. And then Joe Ellen's like, yeah, for the party, I rented a house at Portsmouth on the water. Fourth of July, you know, wow,

Rhode Island. But you know what? I really don't know what Fourth of July is about. Like, I mean, I know there's like Plymouth Rock and Columbus. I don't know. Plymouth Rock is in Massachusetts. That's our neighbor. So it's got something to do with the Nina Pinta and the Santa Maria. I don't know. Something. And so Gary is like, oh, well, you know, hey, oh, hey, glam person. She has a little bit of a hairy face, hairy face. So make sure you take care of it. She's like, Gary, oh my God, such an asshole.

Whatever. Okay. I'm going to go skim the pool. No, you don't need to skim the pool. I'm going to skim it. Don't skim the pool, Gary. I'm skimming the pool, Gary. Gary, you're hosting the body.

Don't skimbing the pool. Skimming the pool. So then Joellen's mom comes over. Nancy and she's like, hello, I'm here. I decided to fulfill my duty as a grandmother and take care of these children. She goes, you know, I think that maternal gene stopped skipping my mother, my grandmother. I was doing regular teenage things, you know, smoking cigarettes, drinking and driving, cheating on exams. My mom was like, oh, she mistook that for quote unquote bad behavior. Whatever. My mother was really hard on me. I had no guide how to be a good mother. So I'm doing the best that I can,

And I prayed that my kids turned out amazing. I don't know why. I know this is a dangerous thing to say, but I'm already on Nancy's side. Well, I mean, we seek clues because first of all, Nancy comes over. She's very sweet. She's like, my mom, what a bitch, right? She's like, hey, here I am to take care of your kids. My mom's a real bitch.

Maybe stop calling your mom a bitch as she's doing you a favor, like the weirdo. people get mad at me whenever I say things like this because they're like Ben has Ben has like good parent privilege or whatever and he doesn't realize like parents fuck up but uh people get so mad at me and like I get that and I understand parents are often very very very very wrong but I'm just saying in this case when she's like you know what she interpreted things I did as bad behavior I'm like um it probably was bad behavior I may wind up I may regret saying this in like three weeks when we find out what it was. But for right now, I just sort of feel like this lady comes in with her big hair. And I'm like, I'm just sort of on her side already. I don't know what to say, Joellen. You're the one who wound up on the real housewives. So I think you're the one who's sort of messed up.

All we really know about Jo Ellen so far is that she's mean to new people. Everyone thinks she's a villain. So she tries to make everyone else the villain. and she married the guy that her sister was with. So the evidence is kind of stacking up against you. And from what we know about your mother, she babysits when she's asked. So you're going to need to add a lot more evidence to this case, ma'am.

For sure. So they, Joellen, they leave. Joeline and Garry leave to go to this house. And she's like really nervous about leaving the kids with Nancy. And so Joellen's like, it's like, by the way, so Rosie's coming to the party. Rosie made a comment about Kelsey having two boyfriends. Mind your own fucking business, right?

Even though I was the one who started talking about Kelsey first at the picnic. But whatever. I can't imagine she yacks up. And by the way, and I forgot that that actually was Joellen who started talking about Kelsey and Solby started going through the notes because it really was actually Joellen who started just being like, well, I think Kelsey's going through a hard time right now. She's sort of trying to transition between this and that. So he did kind of start talking about her.

And Gary's like, if she doesn't want smoke with dudes, then she shouldn't if she knows what's good for her. So then Ashley and Rosie are in their own car. And Ashley's like, I do wish this was like a kid's welcome party. You know, we could bring the kids, you know? And Jared's like, Joeline has kids, right? Honey, you're not at the coffee shop in my mind. It's like rolls down his window. It's like, Eva, your latte.

We still have your latte for Eva. Rosie's like, yeah, oh my God, I bought it these amazing fireworks, and I made a fireworks bouquet, and I got her a bottle of champagne. It was $60. I am showing up tonight with a gift for Joellen, even though she made me cry, because my goal in life is for everyone to like me. And I know that deep down, that is the most unrealistic thing you could ever want, but it's all I want. So I'm just going to keep on trying. I'm like, well, good luck, because I feel like you're failing on a national level right now. So we go to the house. Joellen arrives at the rented house. And she's like, oh, my God. Could you imagine if I tumbled down the stairs?

And the husband's like, every day of my life. So they see the food set up. And Joellen's like, I may not cook. I may not clean. I may not have sex all the time. But I know how to throw a good party. Then Alicia arrives first. And there's like no one there and things were not set up yet.

She's like, what's going on over here? So she goes, oh, this is. So then Joellen comes out. She goes, oh, it's absolutely gorgeous. She goes like, thanks. There's a canola station over there. There's a caricature station over there. She goes, they do characters.

She goes, caricatures. Billy, they've got character as. Like, he's like, what? Character of us? Billy, you want to get a character of us? That's not how you pronounce it. I don't do math. So Liz arrives.

Wait, you got chairs for your carrots? I don't understand what's going on here. So Liz arrives with Dolores. It's the Dolores. And she's like, the Dolores Cantia. She owes my heart. We met at a Cademates Convention back where Frank was just getting into in the industry and I say, you know what, come visit.

Just come visit. Come see what it's like for a summer. Come on. Of course, Liz has a Frank also. So then we have a flashback to Liz and Dolores. They're like pulling up a crab trap or something. And Dolores is like, you know what? I make a good crab sauce.

I make it in the kitchen. And then I walk to the living room and back to the kitchen and back to the living room and back to the kitchen and see if it's done yet. If it's not done yet, then I go back to the living room and I clean something up. Then I come back in. And it's done. It's ready. It's done.

That's done. It's crab sauce. Last time I made a crab sauce, I caught myself. I was pregnant for Gabby. You were pregnant for Gabby? This is like, how? That was a long time ago, actually. I trust Dolores. She knows where the berries, I mean, the bodies are buried.

Oh, my God, she knows where the berries are body. Oh, my God. I just got Liz by myself. So Dolores is introduced around, and Kelsey is there. And she says that she's known Jo Ellen since high school. Yeah, she used to work at a tanning salon that my friend used to work at. And Joellen was hooking up with the owner of the tanning salon. And then the owner and his wife, she's bullsy.

So now the girls, they all go to like an area where they can sit and like gossip. And so Gary's like, I'll bring you guys the drinks. Okay. And Dolores like, oh my God, look at this guy. He's a good one. He's a good one, whatever your face is. It's like, thanks. So that's my, you're a great husband, babe.

So Dolores, this is Joellen speaking. Tell me, what do you love the, what do you love about Rhode Island the most? Laura's like, um, yeah, good highways, I guess. What kind of icebreaker is that? So tell me, what do you love about our state the most? You better not be wrong to Loris. Yeah. Well, you know, the first time out of Jersey, I was, you know, I was 18 and I came here.

So I loved that this was a great place for 18 plus kids. Is there even a beach in New Jersey? Come on, the Jersey shore. Jesus Christ, Kelsey. Come on. She's like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Not a great case for the sugar babies of the world. Like maybe go out there and experience things.

Learn about things like the fact that the Jersey Shore exists. She's been imprisoned for 10 years or 11 years or whatever. So Rosie and Ashley come in and we get the violins. Dun, dun, don't don't. Very serious. And now she's like, oh, my God. Is she going to be annoyed with you because you're wearing all red and she's wearing all red too? Oh.

Yeah. they really tried to get that started. Alicia's like, the devil in red. I'll be right back. Kelsey's like, you said it, not us. Well, I was just trying to be funny. It was a funny thing to say for the trailer, that the producer said I should say it for the trailer.

And Jo Allen says, Drunken words, sober thoughts. You know, I want you to know what happened at the picnic. I need you to know, I stuck up for you. Okay, Kelsey? So Rosie was questioning your relationship in polygamy, and Alicia was like, what is polygamy? I don't do math.

And then she says, Does Kelsey have two boyfriends? And where does she go for Christmas? What's happening? And I was like, you got to ask her that. I mean, my God, am I right? And Kelsey's like, well, I just met Rosie at Joe Ellens, but I feel like I can sniff out the people that are not girls, girls.

And you know how I sniff them? I wait until one of my friends tells me that they're not girls girls. Yeah, exactly. So Dolores is like, is there a reason she's asking you about your relationship? Are you doing something? You're going through something? She goes, well, my relationship is the only thing that makes. me upset.

And Liz's like, oh, don't sweat that. Rumors are rumors. We all know that. They're not all factual. Because, no, I'm a cold fucking bitch at the end of the day. But when it comes to my relationship, that's my choice. Sancran. It's sacred.

Yeah. It's sacred for five months of the year. Super sacred. I hate people talking about my relationship, which is why I'm talking about my relationship in every single scene, including flashbacks of this one episode that we filled, please don't talk about my relationship. Who the fuck cares who I'm going to date? Well, I'm dating.

This goes, so the thing is, you have two choices. You can either wipe it off or wipe right by it or get on a dingy and sail away. And you can just say, fuck you guys. Why are you talking about it? You know what? I'd say something when I would be ready. And they know what I'm going to be ready when the crab sauce is ready. Give it another five minutes.

But you know that Dolores has been doing this a long time because when Kelsey is like, you know, I'm just so sick of everybody like talking about my relationship. Dolores goes, but is there a reason why they're talking about it? I mean, like, what's going on in the relationship when everybody's talking about? She just ignores Dolores. But I was like, thank you. That is the question, you know? Yes. So Rosie's like, oh my God, Joellen, I got you this.

It's a fireworks bouquet. And she goes, oh, that was thoughtful. and creative. It's a little collection. A little collection of fireworks, which feels dangerous. I feel like I don't want to bring that to a party. But it's very on theme.

It's the 4th of July, and you're bringing someone a fireworks bouquet. I mean, that seems sweet to me. And Joanne's like, ugh, gross. Who would do that? Oh. That's a gift that I wouldn't give somebody.

It's like a nice party. It's like you're not, I don't know. But you know, I have a thing with fireworks. I think I have this thing. Leave fireworks to professional. I don't see the purpose of like setting them off yourself. I know we disagree on this, but I think it's stupid to set them off. Like, congratulations.

You now have lost the finger because you want to set up a tiny firework that looks shitty for everyone. Yeah, but it's a good label to the rest of us when you see them in the grocery store, you know, and half their hair is sticking up and there's like a bandage on their hands. You're like, ha, ha, the day after fireworks and the H.E.B. is a good one. So everyone's having food and mingling about. and they're putting caviar on weaners, which Joellen is really excited about, and which sounds disgusting to me.

And Gary is like, there's no way I'm having caviar wiener. I ain't doing it. She's like, go, do it, Gary. No, I ain't doing it. Do it, Gary. I ain't doing it. What are you gay? Okay, I'll do it.

Give it to me right now. So then Kelsey joins Alicia and Rosie. And Alicia's like, how are you doing? By the way, I noticed Kelsey, you came solo. She's like, yeah, you okay? Like, yeah, I hope everything's okay. Yeah. You're okay?

Yeah, I show you okay? Yeah, you want to do some math? I can't do the math. Can you do it for me? Okay, look, I like living on my own. I'm used to it. But I know the picnic there was like questions about like the kind of relationship I was in. And if Rosie or anyone else has a question on polygamy, I can answer it.

Because, well, every man does that stuff. So I don't know what the big deal is. Every man's a polygamist. Polygamist. Polygamam. Okay. That's what men always. They'd sleep with everything. What are you going to do? She's like, my relationship from day one, I mean, there's rules, and I accepted things and that's it. She goes, oh, okay. You know what? I don't get it. I'm very confused by her.

So Liz joins them, and Alicia's like, yeah, we were talking about how everyone's always talking about a situation. I said, you know what? Every man's a polygamous. And Liz is like, who's always asking? She goes, but, you know, like anyone, like everywhere, like all the time. You know, I had a hot talk. It just said, is that girl a polygamous? And Liz's like, you know, when you go through something in life, they're sensitive. You don't want people sitting at the table's discussing it. I relate the most to Kelsey. It's funny because in this group of girls, she's the youngest. As we know, I'm the oldest, and I'm the only one with a dingy, okay? But we're very close. We protect each other.

And I'm eternally allergic to bullshit. That's why it's important for me to recite one line from my fair lady at least once a day. All right. All right, Liz. So what else have you said at that pick a dick? And she's like, nothing, nothing else. I mean, I didn't say one bad thing about you. Okay, stay off my ears. So then Nancy calls up Joellen to give like an update on the kids. She's like, hi, well, the kids are here. They're alive. They're awake. They're about to go to bed. I'm trying to get Jolie to bed. And Joanne's like, Gia's up too. Ma, the bedtime is seven o'clock. I told you. Oh, God. What a terrible. mother at 7.10 p.m. Oh, my God. All right. Well, the kids are alive. That made me wicked nervous.

So, Joellen is still like, I just can't get over things that happened to me as a child with my mother. And I don't want my kids to feel anything that I felt with my mother. And jury's still out. I'm sorry. I have to hear the defense first. So people are getting their caricatures done, their caricatures, if you were. Yes. And two of the girls get it done to get it done to. and like, oh my God, we look so good together. And Kelsey is like, you know what? You know, like, I feel like we need to move past this.

And Joel is like, well, I'm waiting to see how big my teeth are. I'm known for my very big teeth. And Kelsey says, yeah, I haven't talked to Rosie still. I talked to Alicia about it. And I know Alicia comes from a place of like, not ill-intended, but she's just not all there, you know, and I can't be mad at a stupid person. But I still got to talk to Rosie about it. And Kelsey's like, I feel like you're moving past it and I'm moving, I'm moving,

I'm moving to it. Because I feel like Rosie is asking certain questions because she has something calculating in her brain. And that's what I don't like. And Kelsey says that people seem to not be able to stop talking about by relationship, even though that's the only thing I've been talking to people at this party about. But Rosie, are you asking questions? Or are you already saying, no, I heard this and she is this and they are that because that is a bad path to go down. It's going to end up ugly for you. Yeah, but she is just asking questions. Kelsey, stop telling everybody your business and then wondering why they're gossiping about it you know why they're gossiping about it it's because it's ridiculous you're living with some rich dude who's off fucking someone else half

the year everyone's going to ask you sorry and also yeah exactly it's like it's fine for you to have a non-traditional relationship but also like don't be surprised at people are like what the hell's going on and just clarify it and don't be a wuss don't be a wuss about it just do what you just did to elisha and say i made choices and that's it's my relationship shut up rosy's talking to polly and she's like you're going to be here a lot this summer he's like yeah we're going to to be here for three months, three or four months. I don't know, close around the tree end, but maybe four months. Don't ask me where I'm living.

That's someone over there. And then they're like over there. And then Dolores and Liz sit down for drawings for caricatures. And the guy, Don, who's like the characterist guy's like, you guys are sisters. He's like, we're friends. It's like, well, everyone thinks that we're sisters, though.

It's like, why? Do you see us? Do we look similar? Do we look alike? We look similar. We look alike. They say it like at the exact same time with the same voice. We like, I went to the Loris a surgeon.

She referred me to him. And we also have the same dentist. The Loras, oh, God, that's why I look like. I love that they just went to the same doctor and he gave them the same face. He's like, well, they're in different states. Skip both the same face. They'll never meet. So then he's like the sparking of the last three of plastic surgery.

So Alicia is now talking to Bill. And she's like, look at me. You told me I couldn't have a cookie. And now you're having a cupcake, you fucker. And he's like, go, well, you know what everyone? I'm having the best time because I'm standing by the cookie spot and having like five cookies. Ever since I found that Bill had a fucking cupcake, I'm going to have going hog wild on these cookies. Okay.

I'm going to put my shoes right over here, by the way, everyone. For everyone who wondered, where am I going to put my shoes on? I'm going to go over there and put them on. Okay, good luck. Have a nice conversation. So now Kelsey and Rosie are alone. And Kelsey's like, I want to know what happened at the picnic. Was there anything I should be concerned about?

She's like, uh, I don't think so. Oh, nothing about my relationship, but nothing? Uh, what? I just want you to know truthfully. Was it brought up by you and how my relationship is? And she goes, um, honestly? Like, I was just questioning stuff. Joe Mullen brought it up.

She goes, Joe Allen brought it up. Don, don't, don't, don. Yeah, she was talking about it saying you're going through such a hard time. And then we were like, what hard time is she going through? And it turned to this whole thing. And I wasn't trying to come for you. Well, yes, Joellen did bring it up. But you were the one who was being.

gossipy with the Never Have I ever thing. You're the one who When she says it turned into a whole big thing It's like you turned it into a whole thing So Joellen interrupts you guys We're doing sparklers Okay? Sparkling. Sparkling is the opposite of my mother's personality

Fuck her. So Kelsey doesn't know who to trust Because they're in Rhode Island And you can't trust people in Rhode Island So they do the longest sparklers I think I've ever seen in my life And they are happy 4th of July guys.

And so Kelsey's like, yeah, rumors in Rhode Island are very typical. It's just part of the culture of our state. A state bird is gossip. And our state flower is the gossip flower. So Alicia says, yeah, I definitely know a lot about people.

I just don't say it. And Ashley goes, this group, they've got big things behind the scenes. Big secrets. Big cheating. scandals and extra big turtle orders. That's right. I go venty every single time and it's like, don't lie. There's really no reason to lie. The truth always comes out. Yeah. Dun, done. So, interesting show. Let's see where it goes. I mean, they are definitely doing their, they've kind of got the Salt Lake City like community theater thing where it's like,

okay, we're fighting now. Let's fight at a picnic. How dare you? They're doing that a bit. So it'll be nice to see them kind of ease into this all. Yes. I like, but you know what I do like about this show? I love when these shows sort of have a distinct feeling of like space, like a place.

And like the Rhode Islandness of it, they're like really leaning into this kind of like maritime vibe. Like everything sort of like coastal and beachy in a New England way. And I think that's pretty cool. And yeah, I think it was a good, it was a really like a really like good first episode. and I feel like it's setting the stage for what should be a fun season.

So we'll just see how it goes. But we'll be recapping it no matter we'll see you soon. All right, everybody. Thanks so much for being here. We will talk to you next time. Bye. Watch what crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King.

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