Watch What Crappens - #331: Bye Bye Betch

Episode Date: September 27, 2016

Timestamps below! There’s some rolling around in the mud on Real Housewives of Orange County. Literally this time. Real Housewives of New Jersey keeps it classy with a very assy episode. There’s also a Superfight update! This week’s premium bonus episode is about the Presidential Debates, Dairy Queen, and Finding Prince Charming. You can subscribe to our premium feed at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens! Timestamps: 00 Superfight Update 13:11 Real Housewives of Orange County: Bye Bye Beadors 1:07:15 Real Housewives of New Jersey: Rage on My Ass We have partnered with TuneIn to deliver more bonus content! Download the app! For our own premium feed, bonus episodes and extras, visit http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Watch what happens when there's so much that happens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens. Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast. The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV. The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV, the Finding Prince Charming podcast called Rose Pricks, and the Big Brother Smother podcast. And I'm here with the gorgeous and talented Ben Mantelker of the B-Side blog and the Banter Blender.

Hello, Ben. Hello, Ronnie. Everybody, so good to be here today on this fine Tuesday. So, so good. Thank you to everybody who came to L.A. PodFest and to all of you who listened to our PodFest commercials for the past damn month. Yeah. Thank you. That's over. We had such a good time.

That will be posted tomorrow, so you all will be able to hear that. So that'll be in our regular feed, so go listen. The show, not the commercial. Yeah. We're going to release a standalone episode of that commercial so you can all have it in your feed. So thanks for that. For all of our links, go to watchwhatcrappens.com.

If you want to talk to other listeners, go to facebook.com slash watchwhatcrappens and talk to each other during the live show threads. Always hilarious. And if you want our bonus episodes, like the one we just did about Dairy Queen, PodFest, A Snickers Fight, Ben and Jerry's, and the most amazing political debate ever. Yes. Go to Patreon. That's patreon.com slash watch what crappens and become a

premium member. Yes, sir. That would be worth your while. So Ben, how's everything going over there? You know, it's going well. I'm feeling a little sluggish today, as I've mentioned

on one of our other episodes that we just recorded. But I'm going to push through. I'm going to push through because we have important things to tackle. You know? Yeah, and you didn't sound sluggish. So stop saying you're sluggish because no one would even notice it.

I'm sluggish on the inside. If you didn't keep saying it. Well, I think that maybe I'm feeling less sluggish. You know, now think that maybe I'm feeling Less sluggish Now that someone's drilling outside I don't understand why literally every time we start This show someone starts drilling How many things have to be drilled How many things have to be drilled

It is true and it's always at the beginning too Yeah it's always like right now I don't even see anyone I don't even see a drill out there It's like It's always the same sort of drill. Or it's like a saw. Maybe it's not a drill. I think it's one of those like saws that's on a table and you push something to cross it.

Yes. MJ is trying to cut the biggest hamburger in East Hollywood. The biggest slider ever into two. Yeah. Shocking. Yeah. I'm sure I'll have a leaf blower showing up here. I love that Kate Chastain still tweets about leaf blowers

because we're obsessed. Can't let it go, ever. Anyway, I don't even remember what I was saying. I'm sluggish on the inside. Sluggish on the inside, but maybe I'm just still hungover from the Podfest, which was so cool. Thank you, organizers, for having us

there this year. It was really, really great. Yes yes and we had a fun show so everyone uh keep an eye on your itunes fees or wherever you're get your um your the podcast for the episode which as you said will be coming up tomorrow but if you by the way if you subscribe to us on itunes you don't have to keep an eye on it it'll just appear that's the great part about subscribing so go subscribe on itunes it happens it'll be right there right in front of your face full face so um ronnie it's tuesday which means that it's not our mailbag day it's our super fight so shall we get on to the crap and super fight for tuesday do it ben let's do it for tuesday do it ben let's do it all right so last week we posed a question we said there's the drill again

should i go should i let me go close my window ronnie you vamp for the next 10 seconds and i'm gonna close my window okay Can you sing a song? Sure. Okay. Okay. This is Patti LuPone pretending she's in Bye Bye Birdie. English teacher, I'm an English teacher. Okay.

There you go. Okay. So last week, we said said who would win a fight, Vicki Gunvalson with a phone booth time machine throwing knives or a pregnant Lisa Rinna driving on a motorcycle? Who of those two would win a fight? And so people who support us on Patreon, one of the perks of supporting at the $5 level is that you get to write in and say who you think would win and help determine the winner of this fight. So everyone has already written some really, really funny shit. Katie says, neither lady is a stranger to knives coming at their faces. However, I'll have to give this one to Vicky. She could take Rinna down and then go back in time to when, ma'am, wasn't in the walls

and no one knew Brooks was a made-your-own-watermark cancer-faking liar. So, vote for Vicky. Mike Bowman says, this is how he says the whole fight would go down. Vicky throws a knife at Rinna, but Rinna's wig deflects it. Rinna will attempt to ram the

telephone booth with the motorcycle, but Vicky will vanish back in time with the booth just before impact, and Rena will fatally hit Kim's highway divider instead. The wig survives. Vicky returns from her time travel experience with a new boyfriend named Benny. Oh, yeah, known he's an Italian lover. Megan will eventually deduce that Vicky has brought back Benito Mussolini from the past. Michael Horn says Rena will win because she'll accuse Vicky has brought back Benito Mussolini from the past. Michael Horn says,

Rinna will win because she'll accuse Vicky of manipulating her into getting pregnant. Vicky will be like, you know what? That reminds me of this story my mom always tells me about when she was pregnant. I should call her. Oh, wait. Mom! I forgot my mom died. You're mean.

How dare you bring up a dead mom? Rinna blames LVP for bringing it up first, and Vicky and Rinna live happily ever after. And one thing that I like about that one is that while Vicky is sitting there crying about her mom being dead, she seems to not realize that she has a time machine that can go back in time. So she just cries about it. back in time so she just cries about it um uh kelly paper says rena wins because vicky uses the time machine to go back and get her love tank filled up like joseph says rena will win since she can make better use of the time machine she's been around a long time baby so go back to the 1994 folding chair days with luckark vorys heather dubrow and jenny

mccarthy so i guess does that mean that like while vicky is spending so much time throwing knives linda just sneaks into vicky's time machine and just goes back in time just for the fun of it with knives yeah oh no no with a motorcycle and a pregnancy And then Karen Zarowitz says Vicky trips and stabs herself Falling into the time machine and drowns In Lake Havasu with her old face Rinna motors around yelling out it baby

Out it So Rinna wins by default So Oh we have one There's one more from Deliza d you want to read that one sure rena owns it vicky to death repeating the phrase to vicky the one thing vicky can't do and it has that's true by the way yeah it has a kryptonite like effect on vicky's ability to defend herself and scream vicky tries to flee uh to booth vicky tries to flee to the time machine i was thinking of

booth like from history john wilkes booth because it's a time machine i'm like oh jesus don't bring him into it vicky tries to flee to the booth but rena circles her on the motorcycle pregnant and naked like from her 90s photo shoot saying own it and vicky hush screams back i did not have multiple babies to no avail that's a very effective image i really can i think we really overlooked the power of pregnant lisa rena on a motorcycle because you basically can just sir just menace just menace vicky to death she can vicky can't even get to her phone booth and ultimately ultimately lisa rena owns it so i think that based on what everyone said and the votes and what people said on facebook i think that it seems like despite the fact that vicky has an actual weapon with

throwing knives i think that rena wins the super fight all right we'll hand it over. I mean, I don't know. I think Vicky with knives and a time machine and Rinna on a motorcycle while pregnant, I really think that's a win for everybody. Okay, so Rinna is our champion, which means it's time to pull out a new opponent. We're going to announce who the new opponent is, and then can go on to Patreon and you can voice who wins their fight. So I'm pulling from our little random thing of random deck of cards here, not people. So the person I'm pulling up is

Janet from Melbourne! Chicken! Let's see what... And Janet's special powers are That she can turn into any vehicle Like a transformer And there's 50 of them So 50 Janet's

Janet transformers I'm a horse and carriage Darling I'm an escalator chicken Chicken Chicken I'm a escalator chicken chicken chicken I'm a tricycle chicken there's 50 tricycles of me now

okay so she's got she can transform into a vehicle and there's 50 of her and there's 50 of her oh my god 50 Janet Janet vehicles There's 50 of her. And there's 50 of her. Oh, my God. 50 Janet vehicles versus a pregnant Lisa Rinna on a motorcycle.

Oh, so she goes up against the winner. I see. Yes. I'm so bad with listening to instructions. It's an ongoing thing. And according to the rules of the game Super Fight, because it's based off of the game, if someone wins three times in a row, they are officially retired, and then we have two new people. But for right now, Janet, Transformer Janet, 50 Transformer Janets versus one pregnant Lisa Rinna. Sounds good. I'm down.

So we'll do that next week in the next Slapdown Smackdown Superfight. All right. Let's close up this segment. Shut up. You're stupid. I made like a random thing because I felt. Yeah. I love you.

Okay. So now in today's show, we are going to be talking about the Real Housewives of Orange County and the Real Housewives of New Jersey. This week's schedule is a little bit different, just to give you guys a heads up. Our live show from the L.A. Podfest will be released tomorrow, Wednesday. And that will be our recap of the season finale of Real Housewives of Melbourne. we play we do that with malls uh molly mclean so good so check that out tomorrow and then thursday we still are going to have a show we're just going to do a bickers crappins mailbag and a below deck episode yes there you know there you go there's our weekly schedule yeah basically our thursday episode is essentially sliced into two.

And essentially the first half is the live show on Wednesday, and the second half is below deck coverage on Thursday. Yes, but also for those people on Patreon, don't worry. It's a free bonus, darling. Yes, darling, you won't be overcharged. Don't you worry. Everybody's like, oh, no, better call my Wells Fargo. You better put your hands back in your pocket, lady.

Okay. Suddenly got me. I'm feeling loopy already. I think because we have crazy ass shows to talk about. And I just brought up my notes and looked at them and was like, oh, my God, chicken. Chicken. Okay. So you want to start with Jersey or Orange County? I'll let it be a gentleman's choice.

I think we always have to start with Orange County because Jersey was useless, as usual. Oh my god, Jersey is about as useless as Jacqueline in a Mensa competition. I was about to say. Jacqueline in a Mensa competition. I was about to say. Jacqueline in a dictionary store. Yes, but I still took like 19 pages of notes. So brace yourself for that. Yeah. So the real housewives of Orange County, am I right?

Yes, you're right. Let's just do Orange County as the cast of Melbourne. I know. I said to the Bedours, get out of my rental house right this instant. Oh, what a wonderful rental house. How wonderful is that, Rat Poop? Are you sure? And what about me?

Where's my rental house? It's fine. I'm used to it. Oh, you are getting rental house in Newport Beach? I suppose I'm in Oldport Beach because nobody wants to spend time at me. Oh, I see. Orange County. But what about Apple County? That's fine. I'm used to it.

What about Blue County? Because I feel very blue after you all ignored me. So we open at Shannon's Rental House in Newport Beach. Ah, is that rat poop? Back to the real voice. Yeah.

Is it rat poop? He's like, no, dear. Is it mistress poop, David? No, dear. Is that mistress poop, David? David. Here lies Shannon Bedore, killed by 40 to 50 rat poops. Oh, my God. If David's mistress was vindictive enough to just leave little poop piles wherever she knew that Shannon was going to come. Oh, my God.

What a show. It was probably the mom who left it there. That would be more obvious. It's just like Fredo poop all over the place. Your mother has been here again, David. She's still acting out. Like it's like a little puppy that's like pooping on your favorite book every night. Big pooping puppy.

The rental quality is quite low in Newport Beach. Only Shannon B. Dore could walk into a mansion on the beach overlooking sunset in the ocean and be like, gross. We're going to die here. And be like, gross. Yeah. We're going to die here. It was a little shabby. I mean, even with my jacked up TV with messed up contrast, I could see the house could use a paint job. Had a few cracks here and there. Old fixtures, old appliances.

It was definitely, as mansions go, it was definitely a subpar. Well, as someone who lost his electricity ten times yesterday and one day and had to keep replacing them with new, what do you call those? Sparks? What do you call them? Little thing you screw in. Fuses. I think that that house looked lovely and air conditioned. Oh, God. Are they going to reseed the grass, David?

Or is it just going to stay like that? Is the grass just going to be like that and spark yellow, David? David, there's a skylight. It's a terrible thing, Shway. David. David. She says, And the best part is that I'm now a neighbor of Kelly Dodd.

Well, at least I need to know where to go if I need a cup of tequila. David? David, I'm going to need a cup of tequila. David? David, I'm going to get a cup of tequila. David? Will you come with me? David. David, the king of not knowing the right thing to say ever.

Yes. Oh, I invited my mom and sister over, dear. Who's that? Who's this? I start moms and sisters too soon david too soon so she tells us it's no secret that they the mother and the sister wanted david to end up with his affair and it hurts it hurts and i thought it's no secret really they wanted him to end up with his affair have we heard this before because that's the first time I heard this

this is new we also learned that during their engagement party back I don't know what 14 years ago mother Donna got up there and said and accused Shannon of taking her rock away as in like taking David away from her which is

fairly inappropriate at an engagement party and then shannon just kept screaming my rock my rock and people were like terrorist it's like no it's not a rock uh not nearly as pretty why do i feel like such a why do people keep saying that david stop standing up for isis my sis he's like isis dear no your sister david she's a terrorist. Are you sure you're not the terrorist, dear? I feel like the Middle East is just a clusterfuck. So, Shannon, hoping that this is a healthy house.

I don't know, it just made me laugh. I hope this is a healthy house, David. There's nowhere for me to electrocute the bottom of my feet in case a piece of psychological debris gets stuck up my butt again, David. You'll always have my thumb, dear. David, I can already feel my brain melting under all these Wi-Fi signals. David. That was really funny. She said she doesn't have Wi-Fi in her house because they need to avoid the electromagnetic

signals. I was like, you're going to die from brain cancer from that elevator. That's got to be giving off some kind of signal. Yeah, I actually feel like at this point you might need some of that radiation just to normalize you a little bit. You could use a little glowing. Okay.

So Tamara and Eddie are next at like Wacano or some shit. Yeah, they're at some sushi place. That's Eddie's favorite sushi place of all time. You know that Eddie is with a really jealous woman a because when they started dating the season they started dating tamra had a fit because she thought eddie and vicky were gonna fuck lol so we already knew this but when the wait when the

waitress comes to the table eddie is very careful to not ever look at the waitress he stares in the camera's eyes the whole time he's like yes i have pre-ordered we will take your best sake it's like oh geez i'm like sir you are not like at nobu right now or ordering the best sock of the house i mean it's like going into mcdonald's and being like i will have your best milkshake please thank you very much yeah it's like pre-ordering on the Subway app and then showing up and be like, my name is Karam. That's right. Karam. Hi.

I have pre-ordered my coffee from the Starbucks app. I believe it should be ready for me. Is that right? Oh, great. Thank you so much. Just walk in and out. Just a breeze in and out of Starbucks. I'm here.

I'm out also i mean i don't mean to harp on it but it was very strange to me going to a sushi restaurant being like i pre-ordered like what did it what did did the menu come out on amazon two months ago it's like the tiny whisper what's that thing called where you're like, hey, lady who's not Siri, play me a little, you know, gypsy. Alexa. They have like a mini Alexa now. What's she called? She's like Whisper Alexa.

Tamara. Tamara, could you please play gypsy? Jimmy, Stevie, next in the musical batch. Like, I'm busy yeah i just i just have never heard of pre-ordering at like at a sushi restaurant like it i just i'm sorry it's like one of those things that just really like really bothers me i would have loved it if they just brought them a plate of tacos like he's that much of an asshole he's like he'd be the kind of person to call the sushi restaurant and be like, we want fajitas.

We'll be there in 15. My name is Karam. Do it. We want our shishito peppers and we want them now. When Don Travolta came to the Jupiter Dinner Theater to see Sally Kellerman perform in Mame in his private plane, he made them make him a hamburger and they did it oh there that's my that's my uh eddie moment that's my my real life eddie is john travolta wanting a hamburger with

sally with sally kellyman like you eat really loud their relationship was a less it was a lot less awkward to watch than tamra and Eddie's, that's for sure. What the hell? Do you feel weird watching them? What's going on behind the scenes with these two? This was a weird scene because basically this pre-ordered food arrived, a.k.a. shishito peppers, on a strange elevated surface. And then he eats them and then she eats them and then they both stare at each

other and i thought that she's gonna be like oh my god it's so hot bitch it's so hot batch at which point i'll be like no shishito peppers are not hot but then instead it was just that he was crunching and slurping his sake and she's like you're allowed to eat her yeah and it it was just it didn't really serve i i was just confused i didn't serve any purpose to like their character arc it was just she was she was like a littlery, and he was like, hey, babe, you're hangry. You're stressed. And then she's like, I'm not stressed. And he's like, you're stressed.

Have some sake. She's like, I can't have sake. It's rice with carbs. Yeah, who drinks carbs? Who does that? It's disgusting. Rice is a carb, and carb is a drink, and drink is a carb. I'm drinking carbs.

Oh, my god. And then, of course, one drink, and she's so much nicer. But the way that they were just staring at each other it wasn't a romantic stare it was a face-off it was like before mortal combat you know yeah i thought they were about to have an argument but it wasn't it was just a very strange scene that somehow ended with tamra being like hey betch if you have more sake i'll give you a blow I don't know. I don't know if I want to watch this anymore. Yeah, I really don't need Tamara to try and convince us that she's still constantly giving blowjobs. That's all Tamara really does.

She's like, stop giving blowjobs, bitch! Belly button or not, blowjobs shall go on. I'm like, okay, Celine. So he basically is like, you're a crazy bitch. Eat something. Because I need you to you're a crazy bitch eat something because i need to stop being a crazy bitch and she's like oh my god you're so nice and then she eats and feels better shocker starvation oh anorexia anorexia is rough on the people around you story of my life take me home okay so kelly yelling at her kid about cleaning her room.

Like, I thought I wasn't going to have to write notes in the scene. And, like, who cares? Kelly's, like, going to the garage. Like, literally, that's her storyline. She's walking into the garage. And then she gives her husband a beer. And I think this says pretty much everything about their relationship. She's like, I got you a beer, but I didn't open it.

I forgot. And so he just makes do and opens it with his teeth and she's like you're a peg yeah which i also i'm like i i i cringe when i see people open up beer bottles with their teeth i'm like you realize you're going to fracture your teeth at some point this is going to happen well he's someone who married kelly which means he's got a lot of white trash in him yeah that's true he's older which means he's probably got like mostly crowns back there so he probably just had them shaped slightly differently so he could open beer with his teeth that's true that's a good job dentist that is a good job dentist um yeah so he opens up the beer bottle with his teeth and then we see that he's been like

painting a wall but painting it badly and he has this habit of starting projects and like but doing them half-assed and then when she asked him to do something he won't and she'll keep nagging and then he'll do something else instead it was like a whole annoying complaint situation that she was having basically kelly abusing her husband in front of us and then just so she can cry later that he was mean to her it's like what the fuck are you doing she was so mean that's like you have a husband and he's in the garage organizing it and repainting it and all you do is complain she's like you suck you don't do anything i ask but now you're making a mess out of the garage it looks ridiculous i just want things done the right way the first time. And I'm like, geez, he probably thinks the same way about you.

Yeah, exactly. And then she just starts talking about stuff that's like – I don't feel like it's helpful for their relationship when she's saying how she referred her friend to Michael's divorce attorney that he used on her when they were going to divorce. And then they were fighting about their divorce attorneys. And then she was like well you're an idiot. Because your divorce attorney negotiated a great settlement for you. And then you just turned it down. Because you're an idiot. This is not going to be constructive to your fragile relationship.

Yeah she's just poking him. And trying to start a fight. Trying to start a fight. And he won't do it. Because he's on TV. Like he's not going to give her evidence. Like he just learned from four years or whatever. Of lawyer talk. What not to because he's on TV. He's not going to give her evidence. He just learned from four years or whatever of lawyer talk what not to do, especially on TV. It's called evidence.

So he was like, time out. He finally got so mad. He's like, time out. Time out. She goes, what? I mean, I did come back when we were getting divorced. And it's like, God, I just don't get you. When I try to talk to you, you get defensive.

It's like I can't even talk to you. You get upset about everything. With that big stupid smile on her face. She's an asshole. They're both assholes, though. They're both assholes, yes. I do think that he's probably a total dick. I do believe he is a narcissist and he is a jackass because we all saw how he acted at that 70s party.

But they deserve each other. Yeah, they deserve each other. Because she hasn't had one episode yet where she hasn't been awful to somebody in some way, shape, or form. She's awful. God bless her. God bless her little tardy heart. So, Vicky and son at the office. Now, here's where, if you skipped the debates and you didn't feel any anger coursing through your veins this would have done it to you

Vicky not only with her cancer foundation which is a tax shelter for Vicky but also cancer insurance yeah she's now like this guy JR has come

in and they've created something called kill all cancer and it's like if you get this Now, like, this guy, JR, has come in, and they've created something called Kill All Cancer. And it's like if you get this, like, this policy on your insurance, then it's like if you get cancer, you can use this and yada, yada, yada. And she says – oh, sorry. You were like, what? No, I just was thinking to myself, like, Vicky, you should just be staying away from anything cancer-related. Just give it a few seasons. Don't touch it

well one thing you can always count on vicky is she will always make the wrong decision and do it hilariously so for the wrong reasons as well because yes her cancer she goes you don't know what this this guy i know named uh jr you know charity you know he likes insurance and charity and insurance that's up by wheelhouse it's up my wheelhouse. It's up your wheelhouse. Up your wheelhouse. I noticed that also. Her reason for doing this. It's in my alley. It's in my alley and up my wheelhouse.

It's down my gutter ball. And that's the truth. And I love to bowl. So I'm selling bowls of cancer to people with insurance. And that's it. On Pinterest. Get it, pins? I have a lot of experience with insurance. And that's it. On Pinterest, get it, pins? I have a lot of experience with Pinterest. Don't put your hand to the ball machine, though.

We don't have insurance policy for that. Bowling ball hand. Pinterest wizard, you are the one. Oh, gosh, I love Tammy. Tammy, my brother. It's about my brother. Matt! Matt? Oh, God. Tammy, my brother It's about my brother Matt Matt Oh god

I just took my time machine back to 1975 So I could see the musical all over again I've started selling walls To put your mother in So Vicky Mom wall insurance So Vicky explains this to us Cancer was obviously very relevant in my life last year

people tried to make me out to be this big bad cancer buster but you know what are they gonna get mad at me now you know helping people with cancer how about making a profit from something that you just lied about all year last year vicky that's what they're gonna get mad at you about but you know she doesn't have anybody to tell her that which just makes this all the more delicious well she has her son who you know because she's like well she starts telling the whole story about brooks and the cancer and the son's like basically my mom's the only one who thought this guy had cancer and she's like well you know i only know what i saw you know i saw him putting and getting needles in his arm he's like you're in the waiting room i mean you know it know, it's the same thing. You know, I saw like a People magazine.

It's like the same thing. Well, he had a hole in his hip. And I saw that because he came out. There was a hole in his hip. I saw it. Like it was right there. I saw it. He's like, yeah.

So basically my mom dated a grifter, bought him new teeth, and he faked cancer. And they're like, okay, we can work with this. I think a really good commercial is going to be Vicky. She's like, oh, well, that's going to sell it. Me, talking about cancer. Yeah, I love that they showed a clip of one of her commercials, which I guess probably airs locally down there in Orange County. And it's like her sitting at a desk.

It's like such a local TV ad. And it's like, Victoria L. Gumbelson, here to sell you insurance. And I just love that she, like, a like that she is a well-known bravo personality and she's like has a different you know she has a professional name for her local access commercial and that that she has local access commercials and and that like you know how she can be seen both in like high def and standard definition depending on what sort of channel you watch her on and it also looked like a totally different vicky it's like one of those lifetime movies where somebody is like has killed the old vicky and is trying to be the new vicky but they're

it's just not right their face is just too different like there's something weird and it's because they're played by two actresses who look totally different but everybody's pretending they're the same it It's like bad life. Like Vicky on Republic Access is like played by Connie Salica or something. Yes, exactly. She's like, hello, it's me, Vicky. Can't say. Okay, imagine.

I'm Vicky Govelson. I want you to imagine that there's a little boy. His name is Tax. And it starts raining. And Tax needs a shelter. Okay, send me your money. Thanks. Cut! With a cookie tray. Okay, so next up

Kelly, oh, Megan at the candle store. So I like this because at first I didn't realize it was her store. I thought they were going to be selling their candles in someone else's store, but I don't know. At first, so she comes into a store. It's a very nice looking store, actually. And I um as boutiques go that we've seen on on all these shows all these bravo shows this one actually looks like the most real boutique like one that would

actually sell goods um and what i really like is that she's hired some guy named brian to i guess manage the store or run it and he's like a total bro he was like yeah we got like these bath salts here you know it's gonna sell really well with the candles so like it's pretty cool i guess we're like hella excited about it well i want to make sure that the merch pops okay make sure it pops okay i worked in anthropology so like when we when you walk into anthropology like we really wanted to make sure. She's the art director of Anthropologie. I love that.

We want to make sure that you're walking into your home. You know what I want? I want us to put up just a big sign that says Anthropologie in here. I think that'll really help. You can't do that, Megan. But I work there. It's okay. You have lifetime rights.

One thing we did at Anthropologie to help people get into the store was we called it Anthropologie. So let's just call this one that. I'd like to continue that tradition because it's like when you dig up dinosaurs. They're important. It's like, ah. Speaking of which, can we have

an archaeological site in the corner there? Just like a little square sandpit with some shovels. I just love the idea that she doesn't know what anthropology is. It's like three books, but they're all the same story. That's an anthology. You know, I really feel like Vicky and I would become better friends if she just, you know, anthropology once, you know? And she never will. Anthropology.

Isn't it terrible what the terrorists are doing with anthropology? That's anthrax. It doesn't even sound the same, Megan. Jesus. Okay. Oh, and by the way, I don't think it is her store because they showed the name of the store and i think it's her friend's store that they're opening a like a candle thing and a franchise or something literally could not care less yeah me too okay so kelly and bobby and Bobby are next.

I just love that her name is Bobby. She's got kind of a bobbing head. Yeah, they're sitting in like plastic chairs in the driveway, which cracks me up. It's our life in front of the garage. I could never have dreamt a better life for us in Tucson. Yeah, so they're sitting there um kelly's wearing a hat that says hashtag cool mom which is already very disturbing wasn't tamra wearing one of those why does so many of these women have these hashtag cool mom hats she was wearing one that was like

my vagina what hashtag my vagina still works but i don't remember yeah it was something weird with with her i don't know i forget their hats was something weird with her. I don't know. I forget their hats. Hashtag I'm educated. Shut the fuck up. Go fuck yourself. Hashtag. There's no apostrophe in the hashtag. Okay, Kelly? She's like, oh, never mind.

New hat. What was that ridiculous word that she used? Oh, it was like from two weeks ago. She totally misused the word. It was so funny. Now I've totally forgotten it. Oh, well. Well, I'm like literally not educated so i have an excuse it was oh it was nutritious nutritious

hashtag nutritious it's like a a diet shake it like tastes bad but it's really good for you that's nutritious so she her mom has finally moved there and And she's like, Mom, you finally did it. Like, you finally left dad. Whatever. I think she left her dad a while back. But she's like, yeah, you finally did it. And you moved here. And she goes, what do you miss most?

And her mom's like, what's there to miss? I mean, look at this. We're in front of a garage and the ocean. I'll tell you what I miss. Nothing. Score. Don't you remember what I miss. Nothing. Don't you remember where I used to live? In an apartment upstairs from a restaurant called the Chimichanga Factory. I miss nothing.

I miss zero. Okay, the Border Grill. That was a good restaurant. Oh, there's one downtown. Oh, alright. And nothing. I don't miss anything. So we learned from her mom that she knew that she wanted to leave the dad, Kelly's dad, five years after they were married when she was 25. But I stuck it out because, you know, kids.

I had two kids. And listen, if I had left your dad, then I would have had to put up with some other man bossing us around. I like how she's slowly turning into Captain Lee. You know what I liked about my husband? Rules. I didn't like how he was making me follow rules. Now take care, I got a plane ticket in my pocket. Every day, plane tickets. Plane tickets. One-way plane tickets.

We could never fly a round trip. In my mind, she's kind of Captain Lee, Shannon, and Kim Richards all in one frozen cocktail. We have all sorts of different spectrums of voices, and that's on the Captain Lee, Kim Richards spectrum there. Yes, definitely. So she basically stood there forever, and I just thought it was funny that that's the only option. Well, I either listen to that man or I listen to another man. So I just stick with the one you know. Well, I love that Kelly, the reason why she doesn't want to divorce Michael is she doesn't want to wind up like Tamara.

And I just love that Tamara is the gold standard of shittiness. It's like, well, I mean, I would love to to to leave but i mean i don't want to be like tamra and i'm and i'm already kelly dodd tamra is like the bottom of the barrel she's the bar all the way on the ground like literally nobody could do the not the rumbo what do you call that the limbo under that bar like a roomboat couldn't make it under that limbo. It's that far down. I mean, next thing you know, I'll be going to sushi restaurants and pre-ordering shit. Oh, so I don't know what the hell Kelly is thinking with this plan of attack on her husband.

She's trying to goad him into fights on national TV. She'll have some evidence and then she's walking around talking about what an awful human being he is to anyone who will listen and then says that when they were going through their terrible divorce it never finished but when they were going through it he was trying to get full custody of the kid which is nuts i mean what is she doing why is she doing? Why is she doing this? I mean, she is a disaster, and she very much is like Tamara several years ago.

I actually don't have quite the cynical view on her that she's trying to goad her husband for evidence on TV. I think that she is just goading him because it's in her nature, and I think that's just... She's like a disaster, but he's a disaster too. I don't think that she even operates on a level where she can even think about tricking someone into gathering to doing something on camera so that she can do gather it on court. Like that's actually too advanced for her. But I do think that they, they have a problem and, they should get divorced like you you just can't be you can't be like crying like every other scene about how to blow your marriages and then not get a divorce just get the divorce already it's obviously not working whose fault it is i'm not sure but it's

gotta well it seems like she's doing that housewife thing where she's she's like look how bad our marriage is and she keeps trying to show us these scenes of how bad they are. Like, look, he only cleans the garage at this time. But he's actually doing good things. Yeah. And so that's what I mean. I don't mean like she's trying to make a court case. I mean that she's trying to show, like, look at our terrible marriage.

But he actually looks like Job. I mean, he looks like the most – is that a patient person? I think so. But, like, he looks like a very patient husband for a cuckoo bird. And so it kind of looks like it's backfiring on her to me, but. Yeah, no, I know what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah. I get that. I think either way, there's still like, there's still problems there and she should just move on rather than sitting here crying to everyone about it. And then saying that she didn't move on because he'll steal her child and then leave her with nothing it's like jesus get a job okay so the next thing is uh moving day moving day david david so she's she and david are freaking out yeah why do we have all these bath mats david david david how many baths did you and your mistress take? David?

I have crap in every nook and cranny of this entire house. This house, I built this from the ground up. It's me. There's no formaldehyde. There's no Wi-Fi. There's no, I'm like, this house is going to crumble in like 10 years. There are no happy memories? The memories, Shannon's happy memories are our children are about to go to cotillion just like me and my mother and her mother and her mother

like cotillion is like the biggest stick up your ass thing you could do david just looks like kill me kill me dear i'm going to dear tillian um, Shannon's, like, having her whole thing. It's just freaking nonstop. All the packing. There's always another closet. And I've also had bad memories. I can't change your memory, dear. All I can do is let you verbally abuse me and wallow in your pain for the next 30 years.

I do. Yeah. 30 years i do yeah i think i mean to me this was a little over the top because it's fairly evident to me that this like she was gonna pack up three things and the movers were gonna do everything else you know i mean you saw when they showed up at their rental there were already a million boxes there i mean that didn't shannon didn't do that didn't do that so i was like okay shannon yes we'll we'll sit here and like watch watch you pretend to pack all these things up. We know you're not going to. Yeah, it's like Heather.

She's just one of those ladies who complains about how hard she worked when what she did was stand there and yell at other people to work. Heather acts like she's building her house with her hands. Yeah, yeah. Telling people what to do, David. So, Glen Ivy Spa. It's sad. Yes, Glen Ivy Spa. people what to do david yeah so glenn ivy spa it's sad yes glenn ivy uh spa time for spa day to make up for tamra nearly killing everyone on the dunes are you are you a camera's caravan today it's like gretchen the hostess i know she's like some some stupid girl was like yeah she greeted

them like wondering like it's one of you Tamara Barney? As if she didn't even know, even though there's, like, a camera crew following them. Well, you never know. Maybe she didn't know. She's just like, uh-oh, here's, like, some kind of lizard person with too much makeup coming at me. I'm sorry. Are you here for the V convention, or are you here for Real Houses of Orange County? Okay. for the V convention or are you here for Real Houses of Orange County? Okay, the Orange County is one way

and the Lizard Buffet is the other. What are you here for? Is this the Geico mascot convention? No. Okay. Of course, Vicky arrives and she's like, Oh, what are we drinking? Yeah, my girl's back. We're going to drink together.

I just want to whoop it up. Stop trying to make whoop it up still happen, okay? I know. Yeah. And then Kelly and Heather arrive. And I love they walk to an area called Club Mud. And Heather goes, oh, get it? It's like Club Med, but it's called Club Mud.

Oh, wow. Good. Oh, look at you. Look at you, Heather Dubrow, withrow with your comic timing okay did you figure that one out did you catch the rom-com music dum dum dum dum dum dum dum what is that what movie is that from which what is it the one that's i didn't wait do it again. Dum-dum, dum-dum, dum-dum-dum. I didn't. I don't know it.

It's from some damn rom-com, and I can't. They've used it in like a million things now, and I can't remember what it is. If somebody recognized that music, please let me know because it's making me gross. I love the music that plays in a trailer for, or like in the opening credits for like a screwball comedy, but like a polite screwball comedy. It's like these little violins that like pluck. They're like – something like that. Yes. Yes. Similar.

I like that, but I don't know what that is either. I'll find it, Dan, but I have it downloaded, so I will steal the music. We can even do it off the air. I don't care. I just need to know what it is. Maybe I'll Shazam it. You should. So, Vicky, this is...

Shazam will melt. They're like, what is this awful voice I'm hearing? Is that Club Mud? Is that like Club Mad? Shazam's like shutting down right now. Self-destruct. Kelly Dodd joke. Your phone explodes

that's why i found the kill switch on shazam that's why all those samsung's were exploding they were all trying to find out that song at the same time like samsung did nothing wrong so yeah all samsung did was respond to hey siri and then they heard kelly dodd's voice whatever samsung's version of siri is um alexa no it's like gene like gene hey gene i like that sam's song has just like a lady from from wichita hey gene when those movies showing well i don't know that's what she does samsung gene just goes out well i don't know why don't you ask siri hey gene what movie starts at three well they're all good i'll tell you that

it'll be nice to get out of the house like oh gene it's all bobby i feel like i feel like gene actually just asks you questions. So, what time is dinner tonight? I don't know. I haven't planned dinner. Oh, okay. Hey, how do you get the messages to turn on? Gene, you're the one who's in the phone. Okay.

How long are you supposed to steam green beans? I'm like, Gene, stop asking. Did you watch America's Got Talent talent last night it was great did you see it gene no i didn't watch it you should remember i tried to have you set my dvr to watch criminal minds oh i can't watch that show too scary i gene no one's asking you okay so where are we going? What the hell?

You're supposed to be giving me a map. Do I turn left here or what? Oh, gosh, you men won't ever ask for directions. Look, I'm asking you, Gene. Hey, so got any plans later today? Gene, you're the one who's in control of my calendar. Oh, okay. The alarm never goes off.

Like, Gene, why didn't you go off with the alarm i said i just wanted to sleep in why would you get up that early who does that you looked you know you look so happy sleeping there i thought you needed a little more time gene no the whole point not miss my flight well you don't want to fly these days anyway that airline never appreciated you anyway so uh back to the spot now this is why by the way i just want to say that our story of gene the malfunctioning siri ripoff is more fascinating than anything that's happened in this episode so far i know i know i looked back at my notes and i was like uh--oh. Saul, you're still recapping over there? Yes, Gene. Let me just finish

the show. Okay, okay. I'll just be over here. We'll make a noise. I hope we didn't just blow a gene wad. So, back to the show. That was a funny joke there. God damn it, Gene. Gene, do you watch what crap is?

He's like, I could take a crap end. Maybe I will do that. I don't know about that name. Have you thought about changing it just to watch what happens instead? That makes more sense, huh? It would be better if you did it happens in life. Gene, we have to call it crap ends because it's a parody on happens. Oh, I get it.

Okay. Bravo. That's something you should talk about. I'll just be over here. You're not moving anywhere. You're in the phone. Okay. God damn it.

I will finish the sentence. Now, this is why, no matter how much of a pathological, lying, son-of-a-gun Vicky is, you should always be nice to Vicky, because this is what she does when you're not. She's like, oh yeah, getting mad, you know. Oh, so you know the problem with David's mom

is that she doesn't, David's mom doesn't like Shannon, you know. She wishes that he stayed with the mistress. Especially Vicky totally genes the situation yeah so tamra says what as tamra does and she's like oh yeah the mistress used to go to family dinners with david's bob what the hell yeah that's fucked up but the crazy thing is that heather then heather's like oh yeah yeah no that's the problem that they really

just love that mistress and vicky's like and vicky's like oh you know you can't shove it under a rug and walk over it every day the rug has a bump in it you know and that's why you should buy rug insurance i'm victoria l gelson, here to sell you rug insurance. You never know when there's going to be a bump under the rug. No time machine will fix that. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt

to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power,

money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly.

There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

Listen everywhere on February 5th. Or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus Starting January 29th Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app Or on Apple Podcasts You can throw as many knives at that rug as you want It'll never go away, that bump The rug has a bump in it So Samra tells

Whoever, I guess Vicky The whole story And vicky's like well you know that's inappropriate what the mother did but people who cheated already checked out of a marriage i know this your dad and then she starts talking about don and kelly does not look happy that she said that by the way because kelly sent it around that she's kind of slept with whoever the hell she wants. She's like, well, no one who has an affair is happy. So this doesn't really get this good right now. Now we skip over to Megan.

So then Megan goes to a fertility clinic called HRC, which made me laugh because it made me imagine Hillary Rodham Clinton having a fertility clinic in Orange County that Megan Edmonds went to. When she finds out her baby isn't nominated for the presidency, she starts sobbing. Yeah, so she goes with Jim. She's like, oh, fine, I guess I'll come along with you. And, of course, the moment they show up, Jim's like, yeah, she's going to get naked. It's like, oh, great one, Jim.

He's all excited in his mom golf jeans, sitting there watching her with his baseball cap like this is great is there a snack bar so they um they go and she gets like an ultrasound to check in on how the embryo is is doing and everything and there's like a baby heartbeat she was hoping to have twins um but don't you remember your husband never played for that team so uh instead she only has one and she starts to cry and she's like bawling because she wanted more than one and jim's just like why are you crying stop crying because if you ever leave me this is only one child support check i need to we're gonna have to go through all of this again um i felt actually

kind of bad just because i feel bad when any lady cries you know i'm like oh but she was really sobbing she was really sad she was sobbing in the scene then she was sobbing in the testimonial scene and then she was sobbing in another testimonial scene in a different outfit so like just get all of the megan sobbing things from all season and just put them right here okay yeah but i want to be like, Megan, you should just be like really happy. It's a, it's a miracle of science that you can even have a child.

His tubes have been tied or whatever the male version of that is. He like cannot have kids anymore. So the fact that you have one is a miracle of science. So just appreciate it and stop crying. Okay. Stop being greedy with your science babies. Yeah. Really science.

She's like, it's a happy moment. It's a happy moment, but I can't help but cry because I wanted two of them. I needed one to protect me from the other one in case it went crazy.

What if one ignores me? Then now there's not going to be another one to pay attention. Like, what if one, what if I'm talking to one and they don't want to talk to me anymore and there's not another one to call me and leave the line?

Hashtag, that's 50% less candles the line. Hashtag that's 50% less candles to produce. Hashtag cool mom of only one science baby. So now the Bedores are moving into their new shitty rental home and I like

Shannon's overwhelmed. Wow! Boxes everywhere! Boxes! Wow! And the horror sound effects as they look at all the boxes. Dun dun! Dun dun! Pop pop pop pop! Look at those boxes, people. It'll be okay.

So Stella... Oh, sorry, go ahead. I just liked that Stella was like, so are we gonna... How long are we gonna be here? Are we just staying for the night? And David's like, so are we going to, are we, how long are we going to be here? Are we just staying for the night? And David's like, yes, Stella, we moved all our shit here for one night. It's like, oh, what a fun night with this family.

Fun night, another fun night with the Bedores. I know. Shannon's trying to put a pause and spin on it, though. She's like, well, I'm not going to have hospital grade air and I'm not going to have a basketball court, but it's all good. We're moving on. We're moving on. If anything gets stuck in the hospital air. I'm breathing in Kelly Dodd air.

I'm breathing in little particles of Dodd. I'm dying, David! We have to play basketball at a community court now. David. David. Well, I'm going to just ignore this terrible air and go take a selfie outside. Oh, unseated grass. Oh, my feet itch.

Re-seat the grass. Where's the chandeliers? I mean, could you show me the place to look into on this selfie so I don't look grass-eyed from Calliare and unseated grass? So then we go back to the – well, actually, there's a funny thing. One of the Bordeaux daughters, the older one, she had recently taken like alcohol education, so she kept on lecturing her parents. Like, just so you know, one drink means one hour of drunkenness like yes yes yes you just wait till you have a cheating husband then you'll be all the happier to have five drinks an hour 27 more drinks and i should be able to forget that david had a year-long affair with

someone who went to family dinners do you think when they say family dinners do they just mean he went out to dinner with the mom and the sister? Because he wouldn't take the kids to that, right? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think it was just with the mom and the sisters. But either way, it's really fucked up. Yeah, that's worse than yellow grass, y'all. Y'all.

That's not nice, y'all. Y'all. Okay, so they're moving in. She's miserable being poor. Yeah. Back at Club Mud. Back at Club Mud. Get it! Get it. moving in she's miserable being poor yeah back next up back club mud back club mud get it i get it you guys i just want to explain this joke to you okay i was a cast member on malibu country for seven years so i'm well versed in comedy the joke is that club mud sounds like Okay? So just think about that. Okay. I'm tweeting that to

Jenny. So they do the mud thing, talk trash about Shannon, and then they, next up is massages. They go into massages, yeah. They split up. Vicky and Kelly, Craig Kelly, go

together in one room, and Heather and Tamara go to the other, and Vicky's like, oh, well, have I ever had a happy ending? No, but if the situation presents itself, it's rude to say no to a gift. And then they show the guy. Then they show the guys giving them massages and I'm like, please get a happy ending.

That would be the best thing to ever happen on this show. Those massage therapists deserve such a tip because what they had to endure there is so above and beyond. You know, Kelly and Vicky are talking about Michael, talking about anniversaries. And apparently for Kelly and Michael's 10th anniversary, he didn't get her a gift. He didn't get her anything. And Vicky's like, oh, I just want a card. That's what I want. I just want a card.

I'm sure. Like you would more than that yeah and then she starts kelly starts going off about uh how she had she bought a purse for herself for their anniversary i.e like a ten thousand dollar purse with his money you know that's yeah that's the truth why he probably did not buy her a gift yes he's probably like buy yourself something and then she did and he accused her of taking a gift from a man and then she tells us how he uh how her daughter had a friend over and he was clomping up and down the stairs and so she asked him very nicely i'm sure to please be quiet and he said shut up yeah yeah he yelled at her shut up but what i love is she's

talking about like you know she's starting to cry and she's talking about how her marriage is falling apart and i don't know what's going to happen she's doing this these people are just like massaging her i'm like i can't even imagine giving a massage or work and and like these strangers are just like laying it all out i mean you know that those massage therapists afterwards got together and were like, oh my god, I can't believe these bitches. They're probably like, I know this is beyond protocol, but let's just give each other a happy ending. Just jerking each other off in the mud. Yeah. What a strange outcome of this episode.

Like, I can't take it uh then vicky finally does get a happy ending and they're like hey guess what brooks did have cancer she's like told you oh thank god this is the most relief i've ever felt do not mix your happy ending jokes okay let that be a lesson to you guys do not if one fails let it fail on its own okay you don't need another failing joke to come out the first failed joke called compounding happy ending jokes i am the king of piling failed jokes onto failed jokes until we've lost half of our listeners so don of our listeners it's like a bad joke paper mache yeah um so uh yeah so vicky talks about her love tank again and yeah basically they're just like kelly is just like such a disaster that even tamra and heather can hear her like bawling and screaming in the next massage booth over so it's just the whole thing was just very

awkward for me just on behalf of the massage therapist yeah um the let me see what else here the massage massage blah blah blah okay so now they're at lunch and heather even when she doesn't have a storyline is one of the most obnoxious people to me. She's like, Did I hear a champagne cork popping? Champs, I knew it's time for me! It's like, ugh! Stop with your Colette champs. Method champanois, please. Colette method champanois.

Do I hear the sound of it in the mud? No, that's just mud. The Colette pizza oven champanois. Have someone make you a pizza and also keep your child locked in there in case the nanny doesn't show up on time after school. Do you have hexagonal ice cubes for this cocktail? What more could you expect from a mud hut?

So now they're all drinking cocktails, enjoying themselves, saying how much they are enjoying this spa day and i love i think uh heather was like this is my kind of a vacation no helmets no roll bar i'm like you may want to reconsider that if you're hanging out with kelly and tamra around mud yeah i would i would i would I would suit up. Yeah. Now's the time to make sure that everybody has their helmets buckled. Yeah. All right.

So they start, Tamara starts stirring the pot because, you know, God forbid, she starts crying about her goddamn belly button or something interesting. Yeah. So she starts stirring the pot. She's like, oh, I think we heard yelling. And so Kelly starts her, blah, blah, blah. My husband's mean. He gets a plane ticket home. Well, I'll tell you, if I could afford my own ticket on Southwest Airlines, I'd buy myself a ticket. That's what I'd do.

Relocate to Flagstaff. But the best part is, I mean, Tamara, she's such a fucker. the best part is i mean tamra she's such a fucker she is totally you know any chance that she can to talk about the miseries in her life and it makes someone else scared is like when she is happiest and she's like well fyi i was married to a narcissist also and if you thought it was bad while you were married to him just wait until you're divorced because it's worse i'm like that's really great tamra really great advice there now she's just digging this awful marriage and her daughter's gonna get more screwed up i'm not i shouldn't say her daughter's more screwed up her daughter is actually somehow very normal and lovely and sweet despite having crazy parents and how can you be a tamra and call

someone else a narcissist that's hilarious well i mean just because she married a narcissist doesn't mean that she can't be one too yeah well that's true but usually recognizing a fault like that would be harder if you don't have feelings also right it's like true i don't know i don't know what do i know but i know that it's weird that everybody has all these diagnoses of like legit narcissism like there's an iq test you can go take online you know there's a narcissist test like do you cry do you cry when you see children get punched in the face like oh no you're a narcissist all right that's it 100 the captain needs to get the hell out of my fucking head by the way captain from below deck i know you've done it with like a few voices now now it's just like it's not even their voices

it's literally the captain it's like i'm to get you a round-trip ticket. Well, I think that Kelly probably got Michael diagnosed through a BuzzFeed quiz. She's like, well, I decided that Michael was more of a Beyonce than a Kelly, and I decided that he's more of a skateboard than a roller skate, and guess what? According to the quiz, he's a narcissist. It's one of those Facebook quizzes.

She's like, turns out he's the queen from Snow White. Total narcissist. Shannon and David in a pub. Yeah, the episode ended with this stupid scene. Yeah, they go to a pub. And Shannon, again, is doing that, like, thing where she's, like, it's like she's pretending to be, like, on and funny. But I also feel like she's sort of, like, can't get out of herself. So she's, like, they're ordering. herself. So she's like they're ordering.

She decides to order ribs, which is shocking. And she has her little spectacles on. And then the waiter comes over. She's like, huh? What's in the sauce? What's the sauce? What's the sauce with the ribs? No, there's no fat, right?

There's no fat. Because you cooked it off. You cooked it off, right? That's good because I'm happy. I'm happy about there's no fat. I'm easygoing. There's no fat i'm easy going there's no fat right there honestly no fat no sugar right easy going but that's like shannon karaoke to me because that's my favorite thing that she does when you know as a waiter you hear

these dumb jokes all the time like those ribs don't have any fat yes captain no captain from below deck they don't and everybody laughs like it was a fun joke. But Shannon really means it. It's not a joke to her. She's like, no, there's no fat in that, right? Because you burn the fat off the ribs when you cook them. Isn't that right? The fat drips off.

Great, I'll take the ribs. Every time she's ordering the most fattening thing on the menu and talking herself into believing that it's legit, not fattening. It cracks me up. She probably wanted to show America that she can go to a gash or pub and eat ribs without complaining but of course she complained through it and then her ribs come and they're enormous they're like fred flintstone i was surprised the table didn't flip over this i was like what like shannon bedore why are you ordering a gigantic slab of ribs? No napkins?

Let's eat this. Yeah, it was like the beginning of the Flintstone where it tips over Fred's car. Like they put the big brontosaurus ribs or whatever on there. David? David! How am I supposed to eat this rib, David? Another highlight of... Sorry, go ahead. I was just going to say,

David never used to not order ribs. It's a stupid joke. Don't worry about it. Put that on the failed joke pile. I was just going to say, David never used to not order ribs. It's a stupid joke. Don't worry about it. Put that on the failed joke pile. Put it in the Club Mud mud pile. No, that was starring Wynonna Ryder and Angelina Jolie. That was joke, comma, interrupted. Okay. That was my thoughts.

No, I don't think it would have been good. Listen, I am on the verge of getting a cold. I can feel it it i'm just not i'm not as sharp as i want to be today it's okay i apologize listeners i apologize oh ben don't i don't like when you talk like that remember that guy at the pod fest who came up to us and said you guys are really funny and then he pointed to you and said you were funnier than he was though that is not what he said that's what he said that guy yes i thought he said uh i saw your show and i didn't hear because he didn't say anything to me

he said i liked your show you guys and then he whispered it sounded like he was whispering to you that guy's more of a ham than you i thought no he said no No, he said he was funnier than you were, though. Oh, my God. How rude. It's true. It's true. No, it's not. How rude.

Oh, my God. Did you get his number? Just kidding. No, listen. You're like, you're, listen. Oh, my God. Are we going to start this? Well, I just got ribs. Do not abuse yourself.

I don't like it. I love you. I'm in love with you i'm grateful for you and i can't believe anybody made you feel like that and if i had heard that i would have said now you listen here buddy i will make out with you once ben leaves but for right now fuck you how dare you get out of my face no it's okay it's okay it's not it's not a competition. And the truth is, I try my best. But truthfully, Ronnie, you are Ronnie. You're on your own level. Okay?

Well, I think it was the Mr. Potato Head. It was the Mr. Potato Head. Just be honest. I bought my friend a Mr. Potato Head. She never took it from me. I still have it, by the way. I knew she wasn't going to take it. She forgot it again.

Okay? I had it, and I was like, I might as well put this on the desk while we talk. So that was like my little good luck charm. And then she still didn't take it, so he's still sitting on my desk looking right at me. Well, you know what? I would say donate it to a thrift shop.

She doesn't deserve it anymore. I would say that this is the longest I've had a relationship in my entire life, and Mr. Potato Head will be staying with me. So anyway, that was Orange County, essentially. Yeah, pretty much. Not too much happened, but enough funny things.

Yeah, that wasn't a thrilling episode, but it was still fun for me. Really enjoyed it. Would you like to make some pee-pee bean? Yes, I'll be right back. Let's have a pee, shall we? fun for me. Really enjoyed it. Would you like to make some pee-pee, Ben? Yes, I'll be right back. Let's have a pee, shall we? And we're back. Ben.

Yes. I'm throwing it to you. Throw it to me. We forgot to mention at the top of the show that this Thursday we have a um we have a hangout we have a patreon hangout oh yeah that's our google hangout party time yeah so that's gonna be thursday what time do we do that we're doing that at six six pacific pacific time which is 9 p.m eastern time and 8 p.m central time yeah so that's super fun we do that every

month so go to uh if you go to patreon you can find out how you can get involved with that and if you wanted to um write in on the super fight you it's all on patreon how you can contribute not contribute how you can you know uh participate on that action. OK, exactly. And along those lines, one of the people who often appears in our in our monthly hangouts is good old Chelsea. And I have to give a very special shout out to Chelsea and her sister Carly and Penny the cat, because they were so kind. because they were so kind. They sent me a new game that's just coming out from the good people at Cards Against Humanity.

I think you all know them. They sent me this game called Secret Hitler. And it's a very provocative name. It's supposed to be super, super fun. I just want to give them a big shout out and thank you for sending me that game. I'm so excited to play it for the first time. I've tried to organize a game night for Thursday,

but I don't think anyone's coming. Oh, sorry, I didn't write back to that. I can't come Thursday. I'm going out after a hangout. It's a lot of talking on Thursday, so whoever has to deal with me, I apologize in advance. Ben, and you guys.

I set up a Facebook thing. I invited like seven friends. I was like, hey, who wants to play? And no one has responded. Oh, Ben. But I do want to play the Secret Hitler game. It looks so fun. So thank you so much, Chelsea and Carly.

And, of course, Penny the cat. And that's all I have to say well I have an announcement today's podcast title really doesn't make any sense but I like it anyway because I already made a picture for it and I'm using it so suck it everybody okay

why does this title make no sense that's why okay don't be sending us your piles and piles of mail about it and if you do want to send your piles and piles of mail about it. And if you do want to send us piles and piles of mail about it, you've got to be trying to call and submit to the Krappen's mailbag. Oh, for crying out.

Okay, everybody. Speaking of desperation, let's move on to the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Yes. Wow, what a show. You know, this show, I was watching it. I did laugh a few times. I was watching it and I was thinking, damn this show. When this show is good, it's so good.

And when it is flailing, it is just flailing in the wind. It's Elaine dancing. Yeah, and you know this episode was going to be bad because they still... We started back up again at Rails. We're back at Rails to watch the end of the Kathy, Rosie, Teresa, Joe luncheon. I'm like I didn't even realize we're at a to-be-continued.

I didn't realize we had to pick up where we left off exactly. But they're like, well, we need to fill in more time and nothing else is going on. So let's just go back to last week's fight. But it was good because we got to see this part again. You don't want to laugh and hug and be a family ever again? Rosie. Your answer is no. What you're telling me right now is your answer is no.

You don't want no relationship no more? I'm not going to beg anymore, Teresa. Cut to next week and Rosie's begging again. I just want to be a family again. So Teresa and Joe are like are like no don't call me doors open bye and so they leave and then rosie sits there with her um her little vaping cigarette her e-cig and she just looks dumbfounded she goes well i wanted to know the door is open and i just thought i i don't know if i've thought this before but it seems like it hit

me for the first time like everything hits rosie for the first time like was she a boxer what happened to rosie is there what's the origin story of rosie because she's gotta have fallen down or something she definitely fell down something somewhere along her life i just feel like she doesn't understand the full metaphor so like the door is open but what she doesn't seem to realize is that it's like the glass door is open but the screen door is closed so if she tries to walk through it she's still gonna get like hit and then be embarrassed and then she'll just walk away so don't get too excited exactly oh poor rosie the door is open but if you come through it we will call the police and they will cart you away yeah because that will be trespassing yeah yeah pretty much so in the car tree is like

and she doesn't cry and joe's like no you did the right thing because you said you know there's a door and tree's like oh they can't follow me if you're not having a desire to hang out with them. I'm mentally exhausted. I was like, what else is new, Teresa? Yeah. So next up, Siggy and Jacqueline. Yes. Where are they?

They gathered, I think, I don't know. I wrote down that they were gathering, but I don't know where they're actually gathering. But I wrote down that Siggy, Jackie, and Dolores were gathering. Oh, and then – but then they got on the phone with Kathy and Rosie to find out how the whole confrontation went. And I thought that was like a little bit of an odd thing to do. But yeah, basically, yeah, Kathy and Rosie were still feeling very optimistic that – they're like, yeah, you know, it's like you know, they don't ever want to talk to us again but, you know, the door's open to talking again. Like, that sounds like mixed messages. Like, no, we're pretty sure it's a pretty clear message

that she wants us to hang out every single day. We was happy and sad at the same time, so, you know, door's open. They're like, uh, okay. And Siggy's looking crushed. Siggy is really caring too much about stuff that she has nothing to do with. She's like, oh, it's like when Joshua told me I couldn't touch his thighs anymore.

He's my son. Like, if you can't put your finger inside your son's butt crack, whose finger can you put your crack in? You know what I mean? Like, no, Siggy. I've never sent two people to rails and not have them coming out hugging. I'll tell you one thing. this relationship is truly off the rails Joshua Joshua why don't you laugh at my jokes Joshua

Joshua don't you laugh at my jokes Joshua get off your phone Sophie what's her daughter's name it is Sophie that's rare that I can remember get off your phone back in the cellar okay so theresa is now packing for vermont with her kids and yeah her kids are so traumatized at this point

it's like there she goes on another trip to camp she's like no kids it's not camp this is no there's no uh vagina pleasers, okay? And no one's masturbating themselves at this trip, okay, kids? Except maybe your uncle. Yeah. And we basically got to see everyone packing. It was like this giant montage of, oh, now here's Melissa packing. There's more packing.

I was getting worried because I didn't realize at first that joe gorgo was going on the trip so i was like oh gosh here comes another scene of joe being like hey like what am i supposed to do take care of these kids i don't know how to take care of kids i gotta make cereal what you're supposed to be the wife and i was already dreading it but then when i saw he was on the trip i was like okay good we don't have to worry about those why aren't aren't you packing for me? You're a woman. I'm a man. I didn't marry into this. What?

Pack myself? You do it. It was nice to see somebody using that rower over at Teresa and Joe's. Like the kid was doing the homework on the rower. Yes. Like the perfect size for a little desk. It was cute. Next, I got very excited because you know that the producers are making a damn effort on this show

when we go to the strip mall posh oh yes the one and only kim d has made her return it's not a season until kim d shows up yes and she's no longer in strip mall posh now she's in like a different strip mall it's like a bigger strip mall posh yeah um and uh she's like they said oh i love your new store it's so amazing she's like you were there with me from the beginning there you was you and me at the beginning of the posh remember when it was supposed to be a porsche store but i misspelled it she's so happy and nostalgic that she throws up uh yeah so yeah so it's like jacqueline and ciggy and i think maybe dolores is there too but um yeah so we could say that about any scene and honestly not know

it's like possibly Dolores is there. Yeah. No one knows. So then they have this, like, moment where they're trying on all these hideous outfits. Ziggy's like, I want this one in blue. I want it in black. I want it in gray. Like, I didn't know the slut line had so many colors.

It's like, the United Sluts of Benetton. it's like the united sluts have been a time so uh she jacqueline is just basically slinging shit at any wall she possibly can like they don't know where this little kernel is going and i think it's gonna do well because it's actually like i said before begrudgingly very good and lovely and it sprouts um so i think it'll do fine but at this point they don't know and she just wants that shit paid she's just like we need to make a house payment i will run over anybody i need to so even in her you know even in her nice relationship she's like well you know kim can be an instigator she added melissa for being a stripper even though melissa wasn't a stripper. Bring that one up again. Yeah.

And so, of course, Kim D has some fresh rumors. And she's like, yeah, well, you know, that boy Derek who works at Envy. Yeah, he's up to no good. He sold videos of Teresa selling books at the Posh Fashion Show. So apparently there was a scandal because Teresa was was selling books for cash her own book she was signing them and selling them for cash at a posh fashion show which i guess was a violation of something pertaining to their case well because she the implication was that she's selling it for cash so she's avoiding the taxes oh yeah so you want to show somebody how to you want to make somebody show theresa how to use the square like's like it's not gonna happen okay she's taking cash they're italian so as it turns out derrick the mouth breather from envy was like filming the whole thing and sold the video footage to various tabloids and of course

kim d took a picture of derrick taking a picture of theresa and so there is a picture we see him doing it so it's like dun dun dun who does melissa have working for her well well one thing we always knew was that derrick was definitely not a fashionista we always knew that there was something wrong yes that was very fishy but the thought that melissa has hired this mouth breathing gay to come in to once in a while sell stories about teresa but she's going to just pretend he's managing her store envy which is probably named after her feeling about i mean it's just too much these people don't think that deeply i think you just took a video and

who's going to pay for a video of teresa signing a book anyway yeah i think that i think basically that the kid was he's just like you – he's like a hanger-on. He wants to be in this world, and he probably came and cozied up to Melissa. I was like, I can run your store. Click, click, click, click, click. The sounds of Josh. Okay, so – is that his name, Josh? No.

Derek. Derek, thank you. Sorry. Sorry, Josh. Poor Josh. He's like, first i got a finger in my ass crack okay no josh siggy son oh yeah um okay so let's see tree and joe over at their house with uh vaginally vag vaginal rejuvenation pamphlets it's like oh it's good that joe's

thinking ahead to prison yeah he's like getting his butt reshaped and then it's time it's good that Joe's thinking ahead to prison. Yeah. He's like getting his butt reshaped. And then it's time for the trips to this party bus with everyone in it shows up. Joe can't go to Vermont because, you know, he's a felon. And Vermont does not allow felons. But they all pile into this party bus. And we learn that there are these two lesbians who will be joining named Robin and Christina. And they are perhaps up

to no good. Yes, because we've heard that they had their first lesbian cast member, their first lesbian housewife I should say, this year. And we haven't seen her. And I was saying on the show, why the hell haven't we seen them? What's going on? And someone posted they were cut out of the show because there was a physical altercation.

So I don't know if that's real news. I mean, it looks like it's going to be real news. But that's what we got. So thank you for all of our little... God damn, why can't I remember his name? Derek? Our little Derek's all over taking pictures in Jersey and sending them over to us. Breathing through your mouth.

It was Derek. Yeah, exactly. He's like, Aunt Teresa started it. We're going to send him some complimentary Kleenex so he can wipe off the condensation off his phone. Robin and Christina.in is the man and christy i mean i know that's so gross to say but it's so true right there's always like the the yin and the yang if you will the yin and the wang if you will yeah robin's the yin and no robin's the wang and christina's the yin and christina is gorgeous yeah what do you think let's talk Wang and Christina's the Ying and Christina is gorgeous what do you think? let's talk about Christina's gorgiosity

I mean I to me they both I think they both were nice looking I didn't think they were ugly by any means I thought they were perfectly fine looking I didn't think gorgeous off the bat but that's also

I don't know maybe I wasn't think gorgeous off the bat, but that's also – I don't know. Maybe I wasn't looking at it for that. What a random question. When have I ever asked you that? You're like, so what did you think about the silent lesbian who said nothing the entire episode, who was barely on the show? She's gorgeous, right? I was like, I mean, I'm more of a Dolores than a Christina. She had a nice perm.

I'll give her that. Well, she could carry about 30 pounds of hair on her head, which was, I don't know. I just thought she was really pretty. I don't know why I wrote that down. I just thought it was funny that that's in my notes. I'm like, gorgeous. I was still drunk from the debate, by the way, because I basically drank three quarters of a bottle of whispering angel rose and then after the debate was over i started recapping this so i'm looking at my notes and i

have a note here that says dolores has been a single mom and can help tree i'm like i don't even remember what that was it's probably something in the bus but i have no idea oh yeah i don't i don't either till i get to it oh you know what it was it was the i think it was like about because they were in the bus they're all chatting and dolores is like you know what it was? It was the, I think it was like about, cause they were in the bus, they're all chatting and Dolores is like, you know what? So Joe's going off soon. So you're just going to be home. But you know what though? I've been a single mom. I've been a single mom for the past 20 years. I mean, I was married once. Of course I had Frank, I was married to Frank and he was great. But then my next fiance, oh my God, he made Frank look like an angel. Okay. But like, basically I was like a single mom during all of it because, you know,

I got my kids, I got boo, you know, I got a turtle sometimes that comes on the yard, you know, a lot of things happening, but like my mom, I'm a mom, you know, got my kids i got boo you know i got a turtle sometimes that comes on the yard you know a lot of things happening but like i'm a mom you know i gotta take care of it all and it's like you know the gym and maz i'm like maz i'm yeah i got boo going on so you know i get a tree the trees is like it's like yeah you was in one house with you with the kids and you thought that was your life and then you went to another house the big house and now you're back at your house again don't you want to gut it don't you just want to kick your kitchen out don't you want an open kitchen now? That'll change everything.

And then my son, he's got so many abs. I'm like, oh, gosh. It's like he's going to the gym. But look, where are the women? I got to find women. Mom, Frank's not helping. I mean, Frank is helping. He's paying for everything.

I mean, so I really don't have anything to do. I like to think I have something to do. I got to find some women. It's hard, Tree. Tree's just like, just take me back to prison, guys. So she's, they started, oh, Joe was like, yeah, Chris. Yeah, you're so good over there with your wife. Yeah, you tried to date my sister, Chris.

And then we get the awkward story of Teresa and Chris going on a date back in the day. We even got a little picture. Yeah. They went on a date and basically Tree spent the entire time talking about Joe Giudice. Just Joe. We don't know which Joe she was talking about. For all we know, it could have been the dry cleaner magnate

Joe. Or the guy who started Peter Piper Pizzas. We don't know. It could have been any joe but we do know that uh dina was the one who set them up uh troublemaker troublemaker so tree is they're talking about joe now and she's like you're gonna make me cry you're gonna make me cry so she then she herself turns it to rosie which I guess she just knew that she was going to have to talk about this. Yeah.

At some point, because Jacqueline is there. So she's like, yeah, it's like I met my cousin Rosie, but I didn't cry because of what I said to him. I just cried. Like, I don't know, because like we laughed and like, you know, it's like she makes no sense. I'll never know what she's talking about. Yeah. And then Siggy's like, no, listen, I'm like that person on the Yelp who you like. I don't like the restaurant. And I'm like, you know what she's talking about yeah and then siggy's like no listen i'm like that person on the yelp who you're like i don't like the restaurant and i'm like you know what it's me i'm gonna write a

five-star review for this restaurant because i liked it the breadsticks were good rosie is a decent breadstick what a good person she just wants to be swallowed and digested like any other breadstick. Thanks for your review, Randall. In life, there are Yelp reviews, and I give Rails five Rails out of five. That's what I say. Rosie! My headline is gonna be,

Rosie puts the R in Rails! I choo-choo-choose Rosie at Rails restaurant now pass me a Rail-tini so Tree's like let's yell yeah you know like that Rosie it was like breaking up with a boyfriend you know

you're like no go and then they're like but I love you and you're like no you stupid go Jacqueline goes yeah but didn't you say that you could come over that they could come over to your house? Yeah. She's like, well, yeah, I mean, they're family. But didn't you say?

Didn't you say this? But you say this. It's mixed messages. Then when Jacqueline gets mad, she does this thing where she takes one hand and smacks the back of one hand with another. She's like, you said it. Like, Jacqueline, just throw yourself out of the bus now. It's just too much just like let's deposit her somewhere on the master and bike i can't deal with her anymore yeah she is just going off like she is ready to start a fight with anybody you're giving them

next messages and then sheree's like no i open up, why? Like, no one understands what's happening. But for whatever reason, Jacqueline is just screaming. And then we've got crazy Robin, the newbie. Yeah. Who's like, well, I'll say this. Rosie says something nice, but the interactions are ridiculous. Like, she says one thing, and then she's a nightmare, this Rosie. And I'm like, uh-oh.

Now there's, like, lesbian friend breakups with girl. You think you've seen something on the straight real housewives. Give the lesbians a shot. I've never seen battles like that. Jersey lesbians, no less. Girl, you want to talk about holding a grudge. Yeah. Well, we saw a flashback of that Barnes & Noble.

And Rosie's like, hi. And Robin's like, hey you know you're not gonna say hi to me you got a problem rosie you got a problem and it comes back okay well basically rosie was treating her the same way that joe judice is treating rosie that looked like to me like she's basically doing the exact same thing um the difference is though that they probably had sex and now things are awkward and uh that joe and rosie are supposed to be family so they have they like rosie doesn't have to do it like there's no she's under no obligation to become friends with robin again because they they probably had sex and there's some weird well robin's married i mean she's been with her wife i think for a while so i think that this was her gorgeous gorgeous wife her gorgeous wife uh did you see

the teeth on her wife i'm just kidding uh yeah i'm not sure my guess is that when rosie was dating that other chick rosie was going out more and making other friends. And then Rosie just retreated because after she broke up with that chick, she's like, I'll be in my house. I'll be in my mom's basement. Literally. And, uh,

then that lady's like, why ain't you talking to me? And she's like, like, who knows? Who knows with Rosie? Like making a guess on what's happening in Rosie's personal life. We are creating,

we are creating the most boring fan fiction for Rosie of all time. Like, yeah, she was dating someone and got bored. then she's like hanging out in the basement smoking cigarettes like you know they had like some amazing like torrid love affair and then like they went to dominoes afterwards they realized there were two different people and then this other gorgeous gorgeous christina came in and stole her away and it was like jolene don't steal her away from me you know that kind of thing okay okay i'll go with that except that i just can't imagine rosie in a torrid affair i feel like she'd wake up the next day being like who was use

yeah like she would be like it'd be like don't you remember when we went to the barn and got Coors Lights? Yeah, it was hot. We played darts. We played darts. Hey, remember when you beat me at the pole positions? Like Rosie just going back to the same Mr. Pizza over and over just to play pole position. Hey, we got Coors Lights, played shuffleboard, played pole position, threw darts. I mean, it was hot. It was a hot relationship.

And then she felt like she needed to play Ms. Pac-Man for the whole night. Fuck her! I'll fucking kill you! Fucking kill you! Frog at my ass. I knew I lost her when she was playing Frogger. Bro, Robin. So Robin is going off about Rosie. and then she then someone sticks up for rosie and she's like oh i oh jacqueline stuck up for and she goes look oh i got my own issue with rosie

okay i got my own issue and she's like and then tree says that rosie's doing the same thing that she's saying everybody's doing to her. Teresa, it's fucked up. It really is. And then I don't even know. Even Melissa gets into the mix a little bit. They're just screaming about nothing. And the guys are just sitting there like, ugh. Yeah, they're like, oh, jeez, here we go.

So Jacqueline basically says she hates Robin because Robin's this new bitch who's been coming around and she's one of theresa's lackeys like she's one of her soldiers soldiers yes and uh then let's see a lot of screaming like oh and then it turns to melissa because melissa why did it turn to melissa who starts talking i literally can't even follow i just know that i think because i think melissa started defending theresa a little bit because that's like what she has to do now oh yeah because she's being a soldier and then jacqueline's like why are you standing up for her i'm not even fighting i'm just saying make it clear and melissa says you're relaying a message

from from the cousins to theresa I'm not relaying a message! And, yeah, fast forward. Fast forward, darling. Yeah, so then they all arrive in Vermont. Finally. And it's the typical thing. They're checking into their rooms. They like their rooms. And then they

all get put on some terrycloth bath robes because the lady at the front desk is like, yeah, you could totally come and have dinner and no one would bat an eye we'd be more concerned about your loud personalities and terrible hair yes come down in your bathrobes if you need to but also bring socks to shove in your mouth when you're offending everybody else in the restaurant thanks yeah so eating dinner and they're all like looking for single guys for dolores meanwhile cut to every single man in verm Vermont hiding under a rock and a pine cone. And Siggy shockingly,

she's like, I'll order a cosmopolitan, please. It's like, of course you ordered a Cosmo. Yeah, of course you did. So Melissa announced it.

It's my first fashion show for Envy. I said, let me guess. It'll be on the same day as the Posh fashion show. And then everybody's going to have to choose which war they're going to be attending. Well, it's also not only that she said it's her first fashion show for Envy, but that's when they confront her about what Kim D said about Derek, the mouth breather. And she's like, oh, well, you know, you know, like when you go on the red carpet and there's someone always like being like, hey, can I get a quote?

Can I get a quote? I think he's just like one of those. He's like a harmless little kid. He doesn't even, you can't even think that far ahead. Yeah. Yeah. You know, he wants, like he has an internet TV show or something, you know, it's like one of those people you're like, should I talk to them? But then you just do, cause they have a microphone.

I'm like, it's like every party in Jersey. Yeah. So he, then they said, oh, and then he just happened to meet jackie the partner and so now he works for melissa and he uh works with an internet tv show yeah there's dot net there's dot tv doing her social media which for these women that is kind of a soldier for melissa because their social media people are very very important to them they do all the twitter fights and that's a big job to have for these people so she's kind of hurting herself in this argument by yeah i would say so and i i love that um after they're all done talking about this derrick guy then robin the

lesbian chimes and he's like hey i've been sitting here this entire time roasting a marshmallow. It took me this long to roast the marshmallow. I'm like, great contribution, Robin. Glad you came. Yeah. So Siggy, Robin, and wife are talking a little. I guess, yeah, this is around a fire now, right? Yes.

This is after Robin's like, hey, everyone, I got a marshmallow over here.'s like you know what ciggy this is what i know you're a great person and then he's like you know what i may be a great person but jacklyn is a thousand times the good person that i am and robin's like no i hate her yeah and jacklyn's just staring jacklyn comes over and she's just giving kind of like a let's fuck with each other stare because she's on a roll. Well, she's trying to be on a roll. So she's like forced into it. So Robin's like, okay, look, Jacqueline, here's what I think of you. You confused me.

You're not direct. You prejudged me in a way that you felt an opportunity to not like me. That is such a Real Housewives of New Jersey sentence structure. Yeah. You won't understand what I'm saying with my words, but my inflections should deliver properly. Like, okay. And so Jacqueline says, well, my initial thought was that you're just a loyal soldier to Tree Cysis. And then, you know, she's like, well, were you calling me before we met, honey?

And then Robin says, oh, yeah, bring Tree in here. Bring her in here. And then she starts yelling at Jacqueline. Not soldier-like at all. Like, bring my general and we'll talk about it. My commanding officer has certain things to say to you about this. Send in the drone. So Robin is now yelling and she's like, would you call me a soldier, Jacqueline?

It wants me to rage on your ass. And Jacqueline gets this huge, crazy smile. She goes, do it! Rage on your ass and jacqueline gets this huge crazy smile she goes do it which i mean what this episode by the way was called rage on my ass yeah and jacqueline is so immature like one of the things i always hate about her is that she at the end of the day she will always revert to some seventh grade version of herself. She's like, hey, hey, hey, you're so rich on my ass. I'm going to sit on your ass now. And it's just like this really immature response to it that doesn't help anything.

Do you want to do something with my ass? Here's my ass. And then she sits on her lap. She's like, you get the fuck off me. Shut the fuck up. Get the fuck off me. And they STFU each other a few times. And they're screaming. and so now all the

ladies are between them and now somehow oh then we cut to inside where theresa's just like yeah she goes i've never seen robin act like this and i wouldn't be surprised if jack crossed the line like she did punch a sister-in-law carolinezo. I've never prayed for an avalanche so badly. Crack. Like in a cartoon, it goes from the top-notch resort all the way to the big white mountain. So they're all screaming at each other. I didn't follow that but i appreciated it oh you know the cartoon crack that starts in one place you see it go to the ice and then it starts an

avalanche um but thank you for asking because you just helped a lot of other people as well yeah okay so now jacqueline is in full victim mode's like, well, you threatened to punch me in the face. So why don't you punch me in the face? You want to punch me in the face? And everyone is just ignoring Jacqueline now because she's obviously just trying to get a physical fight so she can get this lady fired. And she's trying to get her to hit her. And everyone else is like, all right, then. Good night.

Good night, everybody. And then it's just like, it's the next morning. Everyone just wakes up. They're like, enough of this scene. So then they just, like, wake up. And Jacqueline is not coming out of her bedroom. She just refused. She's like, no.

No. I'm not coming, but I love you. Also, at the end, everybody's walking away from Jacqueline to the elevator. They're like, good night. And she goes, Teresa, you said you cleaned out the house, but you forgot to take the garbage out. And everyone's like, oh, yeah, okay. The elevator doors are closing, and she's just standing there alone trying to start a fight with nobody.

She's stupid. She's like going up to the concierge. You know, because garbage. She's like, you know, because Robin's a lesbian. She's the garbage. What I'm trying to say is that she's the garbage. They're like, yes, ma'am. Here's a towel.

Do you have someone to take out the garbage? Go to room 337 where the garbage is. Her name is Robin. Her wife is really gorgeous. What do you think about her wife? By the way, we then had actually like a kind of funny scene where back in Jersey where Melania was making pancakes. And she's like, look, I made a perfect pancake. And goddammit, that was the most perfect pancake I had ever seen.

Melania can make perfect pancakes. Yeah, she's like a little latchkey kid. And her parents are home at least one at a time. Yeah. She's like fixing the plumbing by herself. Coming the kid's hair on the way to school uh that was funny and just like yeah so you made a pancake so well who cares she's like shut up dad yeah you know what i want from you dad for one second to shut your fucking mouth he's like yeah fuck you milani she's like fuck you dad oh my god what a lovely what a lovely family love you yeah yeah i love you too dad love you too

dad it's like norman fuck you well paint this norman so what who cares will so then we go back up to vermont where our dogs they're about to go dog sledding this is like the jersey version of the i did a rod except i think the jersey version of the i did a rod is actually called. I did a rod. It's an actual reference to the baseball player. So there's like all these dogs, really cute dogs. See for everyone who thinks I'm a total dog hater.

Cause last week I went off on poodles. See, I thought these dogs were super cute. Give me more of these dogs. These are the ones I'll be happy with. So anyway, Dolores is, of course,

Dolores goes up to one. It's like, Oh, you know, I see it. It reminds me of boo, you know, because I had Boo for like 20 years. Boo is my life. I mean I had Frank.

But like after Frank, I only had Boo. Why? I mean then I had my fiancé. But I mean fiancé made Boo look like Frank, and Frank made everyone look like everyone's Boos. It's just like I don't have anyone. Like I have a gym. Dolores, the dog is just like running away. Yeah.

She's like, Boo. You know this dog? It's like Boo. Like I Yeah. She's like, boo. You know, this dog is like, boo. Like, I was so sad when Frank was gone. I was like, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. Boo even let me wax his back just so I could remember Frank. Sweetest dog ever. I was like, these dogs look so abused. Meanwhile, like, suddenly she like looks up

the sled, the dogs, they're all gone. Everyone's just gone away. Look at me constantly running away when I'm driving right behind it just like Frank. It's crazy. This reminds me of my first – this dog sled. It's fast. It reminds me of my first car that Frank got me. I'm like, oh, my God.

I love that car. I had that car for like 10 years. Then it died. Speaking of death, Boo. Boo's sick again. Well, Boo's not even sick. He's dead. He died too.

Everyone dies. I mean like you know what? I try my best. I got so much going on, Maz. They're like, who's Maz? I don't know. He's like, shut up, you dumb bitch, and get to work. Okay, here's my idea.

All right. So Saturday nights, women are at home. We bring a dog sled into the gym. They come in. They pet the dogs. They ride the sled around a little bit. They go home. Membership goes up.

I think it's solved. We need more of those ideas. It's what we do. We're going to do a little Zumba, then wing my pet dogs that look like Bo. Alright, just get to work. You better not let me down again. You got fitness. She's like, I'm ass.

So they dog sled and stuff and basically this is Teresa. The whole time. And then they get to talking and in the background we see Joe Gorg trying to walk in ski shoes. And I don't know. He's just flying all over the place, running into trees. It was really funny.

Yeah, that was funny. But I also have to mention, I just realized I have this note here, that Dolores was like, you know what? I don't want the dogs to pull me. I wish I could pull the dogs. Not the other way around. That's my nightmare. Like some weird bastardized Tim Burton thing where there's a bunch of dogs on a sled

and then like multiple dolorises tied up pulling them around like what a strange image the dog on the sled's like well i lived with this one lady but then she didn't like me so she sent me to another house and then i was in that house but then she got me back from the pattern i went back to her house it's like totally different i need a new kitchen like oh geez so ciggy and dolores have taken this opportunity to make the entire jacqueline storyline about themselves and god bless them i can see that they're making an effort but shut up like oh i can't believe jacqueline's not here with jacqueline i'm so worried about jacqueline and then we we cut to jacqueline and chris and she's like she says she wanted to rage on my ass

you like my ass and like sits on his face i'm like oh good god please make this stop i know i think you know so basically now j now Jacqueline is in full victim motion. I'm just going to go home early. You know, this is about Teresa and her friends. And I don't want to take that away from Teresa. This is about making her feel bad. I'll just go. I'm a nuisance anyway.

I guess Teresa just friend her newer friend better than me so i'll just be the one to go home and chris is such a good i mean i think she's totally jacqueline is totally and completely in the wrong here totally like 100 and but chris is really a good husband to her he's like yeah but why should you be the one to leave like she she's the one she should leave that's disrespectful i'm like oh you know she's wrong and you still stand right by her gotta love it love you chris so then of course she does this whole thing with ciggy and dolores like i'm just gonna go home tomorrow i love ciggy ciggy she just gets outraged. She's like, I'm not gonna go have cheese and syrup from Vermont when Jacqueline

is not here. God forbid she has cheese and syrup without Jacqueline. So Jacqueline goes inside or whatever and whines to Chris a little while. And then Siggy and Dolores have a moment to speak off camera about whatever. And then they've got

an idea. So siggy comes back and she's like no shackling you will not be the one to leave because that woman threatened you and theresa's a felon so we gotta protect theresa because if she's around someone like that she could go back to prison like okay so now you're going to do it for Teresa. Come on. Yeah, I don't like I mean, I'm really liking Dolores and Siggy. I know they don't have a lot going on yet, but I don't like that. This is where they're choosing to focus their efforts. Not good.

Not a good sign. You two. Yeah, I agree. I mean, again, everything seems to revolve around Teresa, and Teresa's not really bringing much. I think that it's just this show just needs some help. It needs some major, major help. Yeah. I'm not really sure what can happen.

But, I mean, the best part has been watching Siggy, you know, be ridiculous with her children, to me. Or talk about the cella. Oh, transition! Transition! Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. with her children to me or talk about the cella or tradition tradition so that brings us to the end of watch what crappins everybody find all our links at watch what crappins dot com

get our bonus episodes over at patreon dot com slash watch what crappins don't forget there are three episodes this week so check those all out we will be doing our google hangout this thursday night 6 p.m pacific time so come join us um you can find out how to do that over on patreon and if you forget all of that just go to our facebook page at facebook.com slash watch what happens where we will remind you and in the meantime talk about all the shows as they air live guys absolutely

we love you love you and we'll speak to you later this week bye everybody bye hey prime members you can listen to watch What Crappens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.