Watch What Crappens - #334: Vermonster Mash

Episode Date: October 4, 2016

It must be Halloween season because things are getting SPOOKY on Bravo. First we have an episode of Real Housewives of Orange County that's all about candles and deception. And peas — both frozen and brain size. Then we head to Vermont where the women of Real Housewives of New Jersey are busy screaming at each other on the slopes of Stowe Mountain. Fun times! 00:00:00 - Intro & Superfight 00:12:35 - RHOC 01:17:32 - RHONJ Subscribe at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

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We love you. If you want to be like Madonna and Christy, then you can go to patreon.com forward slash watch for Krappens and support the podcast there. At the very least, you'll get access to a bonus episode every week. We just recorded one where we talked about Westworld and we talked about Kim Kardashian's robbery. And I went on and on and on and on

about my new favorite party game, Secret Hitler, which was so generously sent to me by Chelsea and Carly. So go listen to that. Then there's also, by supporting us on Patreon, you can submit to the Krappens mailbag and weigh in on the Krappens Superfight. Fun stuff like that. Go to watchforkrappens.com. You can find our social media links. Go to facebook.com forward slash watchforkrappens.

You can join in on the conversation there on our wonderful Facebook page. And I think that's it. Nice work, buddy. We got through it got through it got through it now i have to say uh uh something very special happened on saturday in the world of crappins crappins land um i was having uh a late breakfast over at the Grand Central Market there in downtown Los Angeles. And this beautiful blonde lady walked right up and she said, is your name Ben? And I said, yes. And it turns out this is a woman named Rourke who is a Krappens fan. And I have never felt cooler than being singled out in public.

That's awesome. Big shout out to Rourke. So nice meeting you. Thank you for being part of the Krappens world. It was so cool. So cool. Yeah, you should have been like, can we send this to my mom? Take a video of this.

I would have. Yeah, it was great because I was eating with friends. So I looked especially cool. I love that. That's awesome. i want that to happen to me i know it was it was well hopefully as we'll get bigger and bigger we will have more people say hi to us so uh anyway that was it that was just really really cool um i don't know is there anything else before we get into the show ronnie that we need to discuss or should we just, let's do her baby. Let us.

Well, of course I don't have any of the music queued up for our first segment. Yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada,

yada, yada, yada, yada. Let's fight. It's Tuesday. We have a crap and super fight. Um,

so last week we put, um, pregnant Lisa Rinna on a motorcycle, the reigning champion, against Janet from Melbourne. 50 Janets that can all turn into any vehicle of her choice. Wonderful. I'm a bus and a helicopter and a horse and buggy and an escalator. So this is what people said about who should win that fight. Deliza D says, oh, chicken times 50. Chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken. Janet wins because she and her 49 twins all surround Rinna in a muscle car for a real game of chicken.

and her 49 twins all surround Rinna in a muscle car for a real game of chicken. Rinna owns it, doesn't penetrate the chorus of chicken circling her on her motorcycle. So Rinna is defeated that way. Benjamin Cohen says the sight of Janet's Mad Max convoy makes Lisa Rinna's

water break. Lisa forfeits, gives birth, and then provides milk to Janet's war dogs. Maybe one day a lone stranger can help rescue her and take the aqua cola. So pretty dire, pretty dire outcome. And Lori says, Janet's convoy bears down on Rinna, shrieking, chicken!

Just then, Rinna drives through a wealthy neighborhood filled with single divorced men, screaming, own it, baby! All of the transformer cars immediately park in their garages. And that does it for Janet. Rinna wins. I like the idea of an army of Janet cars taking over suburban driveways. I think based on this, though,

I think that Janet wins. I think the vibe is you just can't overpower 50 50 janets so rina you had a good you had a good run oh no then again it is hard you did get saddled with the lame superpower which is being pregnant on a motorcycle on a motorcycle like oh my gosh like she's having it rough enough right now without having that. Like, people are already mad at her just because she's on a motorcycle while she's pregnant. Like, who does that? So, let's see.

So, the next opponent, reaching into the bag of Ray from Real Housewives of New York City. Shut up, bitch. Shut up. Who told you, bitch? Real Housewives of New York City. Shut up, bitch. Shut up. Who told you, bitch?

And Ray, who is made of guacamole and armed with an infinite sausage lasso. Ray is definitely in a very strange place right now. So a guacamole Ray armed with an infinite sausage lasso. I don't even know what that even means. And I don't know if it's like a um if it's a metaphor infinite sausage lasso okay so who's he going up against he's going up oh my goodness well i think those are actually decent weapons because Janet just overtook Rinna because she was in better automobiles because she had a million different things she could transform into.

Yeah. But Rey, if you're going to go up against somebody who's a Wells Fargo horse and buggy, an escalator, a helicopter, and a semi-trat, it's good to be guacamole. You know what I mean? It's like, can they really defeat guacamole? I think the idea of Ray being made out of guacamole is terrifying.

You're trash! You're trash! I may be guacamole, you're trash i just imagine every time he yells it like little chunks of avocado and tomato just come sputtering out yeah and she can actually help him because she could be flying as a helicopter over the city and then he can just start throwing ingredients at her and she'll chop them all up and before you know it you've got fresh salsa to make an even more delicious guacamole in this scenario ray is actually quite delicious guacamole and sausage i mean i'm actually into it and what's a housewife's uh kryptonite food food they always pretend they're eating it but they don't really eat really eat it. And he's like two things of food coming at her.

I don't think she would know what to do. I think she'd crash a helicopter into the damn mountain. I think she'd get excited. She'd be like, oh, look, we have dinner for family dinner. Chicken. It's guacamole sausage night chicken. Helicopter down to the ground and say, come on in, guacamole. We'll have a wonderful time at dinner try and get him inside shut up who told you about dinner shut up bitch who shut up you're rude

this this family dinner has me trembling i'm trembling in my shoes right now, bitch. Shut up. She'd turn from a helicopter into a little red wagon. To a bar cart. And red wagon the guacamole inside with the sausage. And she'd be like, we're here for a family dinner that I temporarily broke apart because I had post-traumatic stress disorder. And they'd be like, you're all rude. Chicken, you're a bitch. Chicken who, bitch? Chicken, I love you. I love you so much, chicken. Chicken, you're a bitch. Chicken, who, bitch? Chicken, I love you.

I love you so much, Chicken. Chicken, shut up, Chicken. Who told you about Chicken? You're trash. Ryan would be like, get out of my house. And then Ray would have ruined Janet's family all over again. And she'd be like, wow, Chicken. She'd get post-traumatic stress syndrome again every day i i like the idea of

janet transforming into the little cars that they have at rosa mexicana where they come table side and make the guacamole for you she just carries right in on her own little car she's like a very um low stakes transformer she's like i'm not turning into a truck or a sports car i'm just gonna turn into a guacamole cart i'm gonna roll in with some guacamole and the guacamole may throw some sausages at you that may wrap around your neck but it'll be okay chicken chicken don't worry don't be afraid of the guacamole man chicken yeah this one really could go either way because most housewives are afraid of food. But at the same time, their best fights are all at some kind of lunch or dinner, right? So it would automatically give her a weapon, you know, because she could fight at lunch.

That's like it makes her stronger. Yes. And also she would probably catch every sausage and throw them back at you know some like happy endings lady in asia or whatever to make sure brian's taken care of yeah it's it's it's a draw um for us so um if you uh if you want to weigh in with your scenarios that we'll read on the air just go to patreon and you just have to be a subscriber at the crappin's mailbag level. Nothing too crazy. And let us know what you

think about this very bonkers scenario. And by the way, who are the people at Superfight that are writing armed with an infinite sausage lasso? It's crazy. Someone's getting paid $30 an hour to do that shit. You know that? I know. I know. Anyway,

so that was the crippling super fun shut up you're stupid that is stupid can you ever be better than vicky just saying shut up stupid every fight just ends with her just dismissing it all you're stupid uh and it is stupid it i get it it's stupid it's a guacamole ready with sausage a sausage lasso it's stupid there's no getting around it it's just stupid that's what it's built to be stupid it's stupid but you know what though it probably keeps grudging up at night she's made a guacamole however that's always worth it um so speaking of Vicky and friends, we're going to talk about Real Houses of Orange County and also Real Houses of New Jersey, which was pretty chaotic this week. Which one do you want to start with?

Oh, my gosh, Ben. I'll leave it up to you, darling. Let's just do Orange County because everyone loves Orange County, right? Yes. Yes. I'm not sure. I can't tell how people are feeling about jersey can you i don't know anybody talking about it no one likes it no one likes it but this week's episode was really hilarious it was yeah but we'll get to that after orange county so all right let's do we're being Let's dive in. So Orange County, it starts off at K-Hall Designs at their opening, at their candle store opening, which is kind of funny because normally when someone opens up a store or anything on one of these shows, it's like a full episode. It's like three episodes of buildup of the store.

I mean, look at what's happening in New Jersey with Envy, Envy, Envy. You know, this one, they're just like, boom, top of the episode. We're already at the party. We're just going to get to it. They're like, bang, it's over. It's a candle party. Like, how exciting can we make this? We're Real Housewives of Orange County.

We're not miracle workers. Okay. Yeah, they're like, the producers are like, we're sorry. I mean, Megan King Edmonds arc this season is so boring that it literally melts away. It's literally about candles. It's about Mike's making King Edmunds is being so boring this season. So probably actually give birth to a candle and not even like a cool candle. It'll be just like one of those really annoying birthday candles that gets

lost under your cutting boards. Yeah. It'll be like one of those glittery birthday candles that, you know, you just poisoned all your guests with because it leaked all over the cake maybe it'll be like a hanukkah candle happy rosh hashanah by the way it's rosh hashanah to all my fellow jews yes happy fiddler on the roof time guys tradition okay

making admins is so confused what what's rosh hashanana toba who's that is she a new housewife shoshana if russia shana was a smell what would it smell like so i like how jim is trying to be all mask and he's like sorry they're talking about the candles like yeah just just don't tell my male friends please that i've got a candle shop we get it dad dockers you're straight we're all buying it okay this is not a very well thought out party and this is of course thrown by someone else who doesn't understand how to eat megan king edmonds because who passes out hors d'oeuvres at a scented smelling like it's gross it's disgusting I don't want to eat my California roll in, like, butterscotch smell.

Absolutely. Maybe she never watched the Restaurant Wars on Top Chef season such and such where one of the restaurants, they put vanilla-scented candles everywhere and Tom and Padma had a fit about it. You can't do that. Yes, and the chefs got kicked off,

but if it was reversed, they would just kick off Megan. They'd be like we are kicking off your campbell store i'd love to see megan on top chef although i guess we'll have more on that in a bit um be like that took me like seven minutes to make one minute rise so i added frozen pieces garnish um so uh shannon, I love Shannon comes in, and Megan's like, you look so pretty! And Shannon's like, I'm tired. Can't you tell? I'm tired. Non-organic mattresses.

I can't breathe anymore. I know, I can't believe Shannon didn't have a fit in there, being around all those burning toxins. Are these candles hospital grade? David? David! I'm getting lumps on my throat david david come over here for a second whenever she calls david over for a second i get so worried for david he does she did it like two times in this episode and i was like poor david i've never seen so many canapes tremble in someone's hands yeah he's like okay do you hear what's new what what what

did you just learn something about me oh good no okay he's like that possum you run over for the second time like the first time they didn't see it coming but the second time they're like oh shit i think that every time david's in a candle store he's naturally nervous because of the amount of times that shannon has yelled at him for for him saying crab tree like who are you calling a crab tree david who's evelyn david ah well we wouldn't have to worry about crab trees if you hadn't banked evelyn from the beach i saw evelyn at the beach and i did not like her she's the crab came home with crab trees from some woman named Evelyn. Oh my God, that was a present.

Oh, well. Tell us my itch. He claimed he was hanging out with Harry and David, whoever they are. And some man named William from Sonoma County. Well, Ashley, I'm glad you love your furniture, but it's covered in fire retardant, so get away from my husband. And take Evelyn with you, David. David, I'm having 40 to 50 negative scents, David. Why would they call this place living spaces when I feel like I'm dying?

Why would they call this place living spaces when I feel like I'm dying? David, David, I should not be having negative thoughts in a place called HomeGoods. David, David. We're going to dying spaces. Going to dying spaces in HomeBeds. So Megan whips out her exciting storyline, which is baby pics on her phone. She's like, look, it's a baby. And Tamara, who's such a good person and never trying to start shit anymore, is like, wait, you're only having one baby batch?

Aww. No, she's only having one. Why are you trying to make her sob about having one baby in a candle opening? But she kept asking it. Wait, I just want to make sure. You're having one right just one okay so one like number one or like you're having one plus one to make two oh just one okay okay so there's no one to defend you when the other one turns against you and goes for jimmy because he's the one with the money oh i'm just here to be your friend batch and then megan goes candles are a really great distraction from not having two babies are they

are they is that a thing now is that a thing are candles ever distracting like that like how vapid is your brain space that it all takes is a candle to distract you from a very traumatic issue. Oh, look. Candles. Passing her around the children's hospital. Hey, guys, here's some candle catalogs. Because it's not like she was...

I could understand if she'd be like, making candles, what a distraction. She ain't making those candles, she's picking them out of a catalog. Yeah. She's going to a candle warehouse. Candles and things candle costco meanwhile shannon is still complaining over the side she's like i couldn't even fit into my couldn't even fit my feet into my pumps tonight because they're so swollen david david why am i pumped smaller david david moving is hard david come over here please oh dear so the speech now we get a big speech she's like hey i just wanted to give a speech like welcome to our candle store jimmy's like

so into candle making it's like yeah i'm just a pretty person standing in the middle so yeah you know it's like wax and string like you know what the fuck exciting times i mean not that i expected much from a speech at a candle store but i'm i was okay why am i i was like this is the redemptive storyline this is where megan earns the season two now she's just like yeah candles right okay cal. California rolls. Enjoy. It's like, I would have liked to know her, but nevermind. So Tamara is buzzing around, starting shit with everybody.

Yeah. Heather, by the way, we should mention has left. She has the best excuse of all. She's like, all these scents, they're literally making me choke. But, you know, great job with your business. It's just, i'm asphyxiating that's all bye can't wait till that comes up on the reunion because megan has nothing she's gonna be like i thought it was really disrespectful when you had to leave my candle party and said the scents were choking you like how does that even work because you smell scents you don't eat them like i don't get it

it's not like i served you frozen peas so tamra is walking around just starting shit everywhere she's goes up to vicky and she's like have you talked to shannon and vicky's like uh well she left me a voicemail did you text her even back like when someone leaves you a voicemail back she'd like at least text them back that's disrespectful i'm loving the new rules that they're coming up in this world rules of etiquette yeah so shannon and megan um yeah so shannon's basically just like when your only friend is megan in a candle store it's time to rethink your life and i think that shannon realized that this Yes, she did. She claims she was just trying to fake her later on,

faking it to show that she can be cool. But I think she just realized, oh, my only ally right now is a candle maker. And that's not good. I breathed in a pineapple scent and wispy willows in the same inhale. Is that really the kind of friend I need to have, David? I don't need my friends smelling like cinnamon in lily pads, dammit. Am I rethinking my friendship

with the Febreze lover? Yep! Yes. Yes. Yes. Plug it in, plug it in. So, uh, Tamara... The hospital hospital great air that is tamra goes over to shannon and megan and she's like yeah i just told vicky like it's so disrespectful to not talk somebody yeah stupid tamra just stirring up making shannon mad

and now like as usual the best part about these women is they all clump together. Even if they're in a fight, they always clump together. So then Shannon's like, well, I have to say something. She's right there. It's too awkward if I don't say something right now. So I get them to say, David, David, I'm going to say something. So then Shannon... And now I'm pissed. You're pissed now because Tamara told her that she should have texted you?

I mean, now you're pissed? Come on. No, Shannon, you're just standing near the rage candle section. That's all. You're smelling the hot tamale candle, okay? You're smelling the gastropub candle. So then she... It smells like sugar and fat, David.

At least she just blames David for all the candles. David? David, this candle smells like sugar. David? David? Well, David, I was trusting you, and then I got a large inhale of cardamom. And your mom was mean to me, David. David never used to like candles.

Now he likes them all the time. David? Can we go out on the golf cart for a moment, please, David? We need to discuss this candle situation. David invited his cardamom candle over to dinner at our house after trying to ruin our marriage. That cardamom seemed accusing me

of taking him away from her. Hmm. A niece! David, I will not have your niece near me. She is disrespectful, David! David, who's Cinnamon? Who's Cinnamon? It's just a candle deer.

Oh, candle my ass! I know you took her to the cashier, David. I was on your Gmail before you deactivated it, on my command. David? Oh, God. We're never getting through this episode. No, we're not. We are really, really not.

We are going to be in this candle store for hours, everyone. You can hit that advanced 15 second thing as much as you want, but we're still going to be in the candle store for the next two hours. But you would have missed a cardamom joke. I mean, how often do those come along? You know, say what you will about other Bravo podcasts, but do any of them have a good card mom joke in them? I don't think so. There's a reason why we're number 15 on iTunes. Card mom.

So Shannon does go up to Vicky and she's like, oh, hello, Vicky. I left you a message. I didn't. I guess I. And she's stuttering., hello, Vicky. I left you a message. I didn't. I guess I. And she's stuttering. I love a stuttering Shannon. Because she knows she's in. Yeah, she's.

Sorry. You go. No, no, no. I was just going to stutter a lot. No, I was just going to say that she is. She knows that she's about to be super petty. And I have been there. I have so been there.

When you are feeling so angry and you're trying not to be angry. So it comes out passive aggressively. And you know been there. I have so been there. When you are feeling so angry and you're trying not to be angry, so it comes out passive aggressively and you know you're being passive aggressive, but it has to get out. And so you start stuttering because you know you're being so petty and you are aware of it, but it just has to go. The show must go on. And that's what Shannon's doing because she's like, oh, I left your message. I'm sorry that I didn't reach out to you earlier, but I wish that you would have at least, I mean, you don't need to say thank you, but I mean, if you wanted to, but you don't have to, because I know I could have spoken to you

earlier. I didn't need a card in return even though there are some on a twirling showcase over there that you could walk over to. I mean, I would have accepted a shoebox greeting. I mean, that's fine. I mean, they're a little rude. I don't need you to actually write your own message,

but you could, if you wanted to, even though it has message in it. Or you could buy a blank card and just write three pages of thank yous. Whatever. Yeah, I mean, you could have been a bar mitzvah card. I mean, I would have taken any card. What's nice about the shoebox readings is that they often have

a lady with those glasses from the 60s, which are just hilarious. Ha! David always gets me because we're so happy. Ha! Ha! Ha! Shoebox! Greetings! And so Vicky, who now Vicky feels like she's won something because it's like the

victim Olympics with Vicky and she's now got a gold medal because an actual helicopter came down and took her away yeah and so she goes oh you're messed up shannon you're messed up okay you're messed up our friendship it's messed up it's messed up it's messed up what you did was messed up and then shannon's like well i've said my piece and vicky's like i said my piece like no it's not it's not a piece off that's what everyone loves to say they love to

declare they've said their piece well obviously you haven't because you guys are fighting right now so you haven't said your piece yes we both said our pieces and they don't fit together in a cohesive puzzle sometimes it's better to let me mom finish it i like walk away from the table i like that then shannon made a um surprise uh90s R&B reference when she said, our conversation wasn't genuine. You don't want to ride my pony? Vicky? Pony? My pony?

Vicky's over on the other side. It took her to have me helicoptered out of there. Like, I had to go in a helicopter. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. Now she understands. Now she understands. You know that doesn't negate your fake cancer bullshit, Vicky, right? But I took the helicopter.

It's like her version of baptism. What the hell? You weren't dunked in anything, okay? You got a free ride to a hospital. But that being said, Shannon should have texted sooner. But that's fine actually either either either text sooner or don't text at all yeah yeah don't just text because you feel guilty yeah um yeah these two are stupid just don't fight you're stupid okay stupid but stupid well

but i do have to say i mean vicky vicky's terrible but i love when she leans into being terrible like when channel's like well I'm not gonna talk about what you've been saying about my husband and he's like yeah I called him a pig he's a piece of shit and she said um but you said she's having her greatest hits why did I say that um oh when they they just kept cutting back to vicky saying yes oh they cut back to vicky and david fighting or whatever yes so shannon wasn't really there to hear it but pretty much what shannon relays is true she says yeah but you were the one who said that there i am over there doing my thing and having my greatest hits by being a victim and then he said fuck you c word and i think that was completely justified.

And so we see it. And she's like, that is, that's the truth. That is a lie. And that's not what happened. Maybe you should know because you're a liar. She's like,

no, no, you're lying. Please tell me what I've lied about. Please, please. Do I have hospital great air? No.

Am I going to get it? Yes. That's not a lie. Jim walks up to them. He's like, uh, could we please take this outside? I don't want the candles to feel bad.

We've only stocked laughing candles, not crying candles. Please don't hurt Megan's candle baby. Yeah. And I loved how Shannon, her big excuse is like, I wish you well. I wish you well,

Vicky. I wish you well. I wish you well, Vicky. I wish you the best. May we all have a cheers to Vicky, who I will never speak to again. And then I love Megan shuts down the whole thing by saying, the baby doesn't like this. I'm like, oh, shut up. The baby's not even reacting. You just have some indigestion. Okay.

You like farted. That's not the baby being sad. Yeah, you're standing in the middle of toxins. And if you're feeling depressed, it's probably because you're feeling the baby's feelings. And imagine how it must feel. It's like, oh, my God, I'm starving. Yeah. I feel so bad for Megan's Facebook friends because everything on her Facebook feed is probably like a post about like,

what being a mother has meant to me what being pregnant teaches me with users hey guys check out this new like toy that you can use so it's like massages your uterus while you're pregnant like everything she's probably just like she just will not stop talking about it as if she's the first person who's ever been pregnant before today I was reading this recipe on how to make eggs and i cracked one open and there were two little yolks inside and i just started crying the sad part is that as you know she's already made she's already somehow brought egg yolks into her pregnancy situation what was that again what was she saying like a few weeks ago like my friend had like two yolks in the egg and it made me realize like i want to have two babies yeah it was eggs yeah and he's like extra disgusting jim yeah romantic ass jim yeah so vicky is now doing the typical vicky where she's threatening people with random things that they don't know she's like well she's

told me very many secrets and i would keep him them inside, but she's mean to me. And if she's still mean to me, if I wake up tomorrow and she's being mean to me, these things might come out. And there's nothing I can do to stop them. Like what am I going to do? I can't stop them. She's pressing my mean button. My rumor tank is overflowing, and it's just going to spill out everywhere. I don't want that to light up fire.

You know, if someone bikes over one of those rumors that comes out of my tank they could slip and fall and i'm not a child killer but you know what though they can get rumor insurance uh so if you get hurt by my rumors then you can have a policy for that i do believe vicky though because she's saying that she that shannon told her something about the marriage and she's lying and i never believe vicky but the reason i believe it is because shannon is immediately like oh i haven't lied she's making up she's making things up uh she's making uh she's uh uh uh uh like you can just see her starting to freak out yes she's just starting to freak out and then her behavior towards vicky later is like the icing on the cake like that is that is the that's when you dip your spoon in the pudding and get a nice bite of truth

yeah yeah i actually believe vicky too but but you know what i also believe i believe it's something stupid but now that shannon is doubling down about not lying that now it's gonna be a whole thing you know well david doesn't like when the house is too cold. But when he cheated on me, I turned the air conditioner down to 63 degrees in the summer. So there, David. You know, back when David would go to sleep at 8 p.m. and I'd go to sleep at 1 a.m., sometimes I'd go to sleep at 2 a.m. Sometime in David's private bathroom, I would change the cottonel out for 99 cent toilet paper. That'll show him, huh, Vicky? At the lowest point of our marriage, I shut off the hospital-grade air in his bedroom and let him have natural air.

Feels good to get that out. For an entire week after he left me for that slut, I'd let him have bacon with nitrates. Don't tell him. When we were sleeping in different rooms, I put a mattress pad on his mattress that was inorganic. One time when I was changing the sheets, I'd let him have a pillowcase full of fire retardant. It was just asbestos, actually. I gave him an asbestos pillowcase. There, I said it.

Oh, God. So, they go to a place called... Oh, wait. Vicky's shopping now. Yeah, so Vicky, her shoe heel gets stuck in a crack and she falls over it felt like a metaphor felt like a metaphor um uh it was actually kind of funny and she's cracking up then tamra comes he's like hey batch what's going on in here batch and then vicky's nipple cover

comes out and it's like classic vick and tam you know we have a we have, we have a slap-happy relationship. They're just cracking up. And, of course, Tamara goes, We're the true-life Lucy and Ethel, bitch! Oh, no, you're not! Stop calling yourselves Lucy and Ethel, okay? Like, if Ethel was a total bitch, and Lucy, like, lied about Ricky having cancer, then okay.

Oh, Ricky. Isn't there a more current reference that these women could use by now of like two women that get along than Lucy and Ethel? Has there been no one in the past 60 years? I think that people from Housewives should use Laverne and Shirley because they were wacky and happy until Shirley decided to get on a high horse and leave. And then Laverne was like, I could do it on my own and then couldn't do it on her own.

And, you know, I would I would suggest maybe a Romy and Michelle. Well, they're equally as stupid, right? Yeah. I mean, I think actually Romy and Michelle are would be perfect because they they live in L.A. and they drove to Arizona. They're from Arizona originally moved to L.A., then drove back to Arizona for a reunion. So I think that's more of Vicky and Tamara, except the thing is that Romy and Michelle are more likable. I think Vicky and Tamara are the sisters from The Simpsons, Marge's Simpsons, Patty and Selma.

I think they're more of them. Do not smoking. That's quite the indictment. By the way, this has nothing to do with Housewives, but you know, considering that Hollywood is revamping every single movie these days, why don't they do a sequel to Romeo and Michelle?

I would be so happy to see Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino resurrect those roles. Just putting it out there. Putting it out there to the universe. Let's start the petition, everyone. Why not? Instead of a remake, have them. Have them much later in life or whatever. Because it's Lisa Kudrow. I mean, look,

if Ab Fab could get a movie, why not Romeo and Michelle? Oh my god, you're so straight. Nobody calls it Ab Fab. It's Ab Fab. You're like, Ab Fab? You put the accent to the wrong word. Ab Fab instead of Ab Fab. You-Fab instead of Ab-Fab. You said Ab-Fab instead of Ab-Fab.

Ab-Fab has the accent. Ab-Fab. You know, it's funny. I normally say Ab-Fab, but in this case, I happen to say Ab-Fab. I think it's all these Vicky and Shannon. It's all the Shannons. Absolutely fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.

David, who are these women you're watching? Who are these women that you're calling absolutely fabulous absolutely david who are these women you're watching there you say who are these women that you're calling absolutely fabulous david aren't i absolutely fabulous david um they might do something with they might do something with romeo and michelle because they made a romeo and michelle reference on mr robot which is like a millennial you know that's like a very exciting show in the millennial world and also the old queen world i love that show but they made a romeo and michelle reference and i was like oh something's coming down the pike in the zeitgeist now i have to watch mr robot i hear it's so good and i think it's one that i would like i'm gonna watch that and i also have to watch atlanta i hear atlanta is amazing oh yeah they say atlanta

is really good a couple people told me that this week and i do like that donald glover um so you know what i like steaming buttholes let's move over to vicky well so here's so vicky we're back at the boutique because we basically sorry so vicky has now emerged from the crack. And she has a new guy that she's hanging out with. He's like a police officer. And she says, oh, yeah, you know, I don't want to bring around the girls because, you know, they're just going to like question him and like look into his records and everything. And I just don't want to want them all up in his business. You know, I would never do that to any of their men. And then they cut to like a super cut of all the times that vicky has been nosy and

butting her butting her face into all these women's lives i'm just saying i don't know why she's with slade he's a serial killer his balls smell like cheese and he's disgusting stupid stupid stupid stupid by the way she's always been right i have to say she's always been right and so have they i mean that's the good I mean, that's the good thing about being friends with a woman. You can be completely honest and they're like, you judgmental prick. But then it's usually true. I mean, the most awful things that you can say about somebody are usually the truth. It's harder when you guess something nice about someone.

When you're like, no, they're really a good person. And then that turns out to be true. Then that's a feat. But being like like your man is a pig yeah gay guys are bad for that because we're usually like but is he hot well then you should stick with him yeah stay with him oh yeah he only hits you because he loves you girl yeah uh we have a nice discussion about free balling on the bonus episode this week so you know it all dovetails together yeah another

one yeah um so now she's complaining about how she wants a solid man with a career which you know this one has a pension so hugo girl counts i'm in and she's like but give me a social security number batch and then vicky has hickeys on her boobs oh yeah so then while they're doing that in other retail news the bedores are going as a group to the mattress shop to get an organic mattress because the mattresses in california are sprayed with fire retardant and they're toxins and you're trying when you're on a mattress you need rest and you're not supposed to be poisoned damn it damn it most mattresses have fire retardants and chemicals on them girls now when you're asleep and you're with a man who's cheated on you, you want to make sure that your mattress will burn.

Farrah Fawcett taught us this in the burning bed, girls. Are you listening? That's why David always gets his mattresses from 1-800-MATTRESS. That's M-A-T-T-R-E-S. Leave the last S off for slut. mattress. That's M-A-T-T-R-E-S leave the last S off for slut. So this place is called Ergo Bedroom,

which cracked me up because I can imagine Shannon using that incorrectly in a lot of sentences. Well, they've cheated on me, Ergo. I made him sleep on fire retardant. New house, new organic mattresses. Ergo, I made him sleep on fire retardant. New house, new organic mattresses. Ergo, you sleep on the couch.

Like, what? Yeah. Ergo. David, you're on the celiopatropedic. That does not have any metal in it. The metal has been removed, so it's just a big floppy mattress. The thing she was telling her kids. She's like, no, you mean organic, organic non-toxic non-allergenic

latex mattress with some blah blah blah one of her kids was like i like this one mom she goes nope you shouldn't be sleeping on metal dear what not because not because metal mattresses are less comfortable it's more because you know the metals they'll radiate up into your body next you know you're gonna have five animals up your ass and a line You can only sing metal all right dream catcher Dreams if you're sleeping on metal am I right David You need to sleep in a dream catching beaver trap Okay girls, that's what we're going to do.

We're going to take a whole bunch of burlap and stuff it with cotton. All right? That's your mattress. So Shannon is still all worried about this rumor. David's just like, can we just buy a mattress, dear? She's like, oh, David, well, I haven't been able to sleep. Can't you tell? He's like, tell no I can sleep

well it's because Tamara Judge told me that I still clearly have issues with Vicky I do not have issues with Vicky what do you think David he's in the parking lot waiting in the car he's like dear I'm just going to test out this metal mattress

over here how could you do such a thing? That's treachery. I'm going to be over here sucking on the pipe that comes out of the car, dear. She's like, my old issues with Vicky were totally resolved. Totally resolved. This is a new issue. Brand new issue that has nothing at all to do with my previous issues.

David? David. What's this big lie that Vicky has on me? Well, go ahead and tell everyone the big lie. You can't. You know why she can't tell? Because there isn't a lie. And that's why. There is none. There's no lie. There's no lie. Is there a lie? No.

I start lies. Who's this? So back at the store, Tamara's like, Vicky, why did you call Shannon a liar? Don't call her a liar if she hasn't lied. She goes, oh, she's lied. She's lied in a couple of places.

She has all the transcripts of Shannon's life. So on page 67, lie. Page 95, lie. She lied one time in the parking lot of an Applebee's and the other time when we were in the bathroom together. Those are the places she's lied. She says that David doesn't have a Gmail account, but I can tell you for sure he has a Gmail account. I know it for a fact. Because we were on a Google Doc together, and you can't be on a Google Doc if you don't have a Gmail account.

You're lying. You're lying. You're stupid. Everything she says. There you go. It's lying. You're lying. You're lying. You're lying. This is everything she says. There you go. It's lying. She's lying. I told you.

She's lying. She didn't make those mashed potatoes at the dinner party once. No. They were catered. They were in a box. You're in a box. So Kelly, Tamara says, Kelly says she has something on Shannon. But like, I don't even want to know.

I told her I don't even want to know what the secret is, bitch. What's the secret, bitch? Write it down. Write it down. So Vicky, she's like, it's something about a marriage, and if she pushes the right button, it's over. It's over. If she keeps pressing the button, I'd be nice, but if she keeps pressing the B button, well, you better watch out. I like to see.

I like that Vicky is like some sort of game show where if you push the button like the whammy, Shaz is going to lose all her money and the rumors are going to come out. Three X's on that board and you're out. Spidords versus the Gumbelsons. Okay. Speedords versus the Gumbelsons Okay So then Kelly and her big boobs Go out to the beach with her husband Michael

And they sit there on the beach They have one of these stupid scenes Where they talk about how much they fight But you have to do better We can't fight, we have to talk things through That's what we have to do I think that when we drink, we fight too much We can't do that anymore

I think I'm going to try to be more romantic Yeah, that's what I would like You have to do. Like, I think that when we drink, we fight too much. We can't do that anymore. He's like, yeah, yeah. You know what? I think I'm going to try to be more romantic. Yeah, that's what I would like. You have to be more romantic. Yeah, like no more fighting. We're going to talk it through. Yeah, you guys are both idiots.

Like, where's the tsunami when you needed one? And we've also seen Kelly just coming and needling her husband and starting fights over nothing. Yeah. And this seems like another one of those moments because she's like, Yeah, like last night you were saying like I'm like your mother. I mean, gross. And then you argued with me. And he said, well, that was a compliment.

My mother was a saint. I was like being nice. I said like you're like my mother was. And she's like, no, I mean, that's just so mean. You know what you need to say? Yes. Just say yes, say yes kelly you're right like you are such an asshole he is like i can't she is i think they're both just assholes they're both they're both two assholes like they're like the asshole skit on snl just two big assholes but i think he's more of an asshole than she is she's terrible but

but i enjoy her terribleness but he's just terrible an asshole than she is she's terrible but but i enjoy her terribleness but he's just terrible and i don't enjoy the terribleness well i guess because they show him really not being that terrible like the most terrible i think that i've seen him is when he was at that stupid mr roper 80s party or whatever 70s party where he was laughing at his wife being totally awful to everybody else she was basically like godzillaing that restaurant stomping over civilians and he was like ha ha ha and i was like oh god he's as bad as she is yeah they're made for each other basically yeah speaking of terrible we then go to uh megan uh cooking dinner and so we already know there's gonna be a problem

because i was like wait megan is like chopping know there's going to be a problem. Because I was like, wait, Megan is chopping things? She's attending to something else. She was stymied by microwavable rights last season. What's happening here? And sure enough, she still doesn't know how to cook. She just knows how to make more dishes. What a dodo bird. She's holding peas

and it's those magic peas where they're already in the bag that you just throw in the microwave. You don't even have to boil these peas. Oh, I didn't know that. They're steamer peas. Oh, God. You know what?

That's a great way to sum up Megan and Jim. Two steamer peas in a bag. How do you do this? He's like, I don't know. Can can we call the giant he seems so jolly they say he's gonna be really nice hey we gotta put these peas in a strainer he goes why that's what the recipe says like these two really need a spinoff yeah they they are just terrible it reminded me of that scene in the naked gun when frank drebin comes home and priscilla presley is cooking dinner for him and he's like oh what are you up to there and she

pulls this giant hock of meat out of a pot she goes i'm just boiling a roast and i didn't get that for years and years until i got older and i understood about cooking it reminds me of that scene from the naked gun where leslie nelson goes to pee and he just never stops it's just constant being and it's really awkward but it's still funny but you still want the scene to be over that's like every scene with these two i'm like i'm amused i don't know why but you're grossing me out please just end it i never want that scene to end that's i just watched it again last week no joke um so they're talking about how megan is depressed because she has a baby and i think she's probably read about

postpartum depression which is not really what she has as she has a part of she has she's like current part of the immersion she's like yeah i went since i have a history of depression i went to my psychiatrist says like is it a thing to be depressed when you're pregnant? And the psychiatrist was like, uh, no. It's just like Jim and a mustache. It was like in Mad Men Season 1 when Betty would go to the psychiatrist and the psychiatrist would report back to Jon Hamm. I was like, so your wife is saying this. She's crazy.

Just humor her. Okay, I think I can do that. He's like reading a fishing magazine while he's psychoanalyzing her he just laughs at her face so you're stupid for being depressed so i didn't understand what she was saying was she saying she said she's been on medication since she was 20 but did she was she saying she went off her medication and maybe that's why she's depressed or is she still taking that medication while she's pregnant? I don't even know. All I know is that she was feeling sad.

Yeah, she was feeling sad and the doctor didn't get it. And then she goes, why would he tell me people in early pregnancy are happy? And Jim goes, maybe it's just used to dealing with you. God! God! I love you, Jim, by the way god do you ever do you ever think megan that maybe the reason you're depressed has nothing to do with the baby and may have to do with your loveless marriage

do you think that could be that she's and just to like put the the uh classy cherry on the cake for what i forgot what i was trying to say i'm sorry but she goes have you ever heard about women being depressed about pregnancy and he goes no but i don't really listen to women who's this jeez jim i mean you came into the season with that fake smile trying to make it all better. You're not making it all better, Jim. No, not at all. So then the best part is that she puts together her pasta dinner. And she's supposed to drain the pasta over the peas in the strainer.

They even have this whole thing like, strain water over the peas, huh? But instead, she just puts the frozen peas on top of the pasta and she's like it's cold he's like why is it cold it's like i don't know i put the frozen peas in the pasta i mean like like just look at what you're eating it's frozen peas it's one of those things where you know that she's not even being wacky to be funny on a housewife show. It's just like so sad. Even Jim's laughing. Even Jim's like, this idiot. This is who I got.

This is who I chose. He's like, well, she would never find me in a gay bar or something. Yeah. She's a good detective about. Listen, she can snuff out a fake cancer. She can't figure out frozen bees i think i'll be safe uh she has no clue about little mystery balls yeah

i called i called up the jolly green giant and i pretended that i was a chef at um sizzler and i said your frozen peas aren't working. And they said, well, we don't do frozen peas. So you're lying. Oh, by the way, everybody, in case you're wondering why we keep making Jim jokes, we don't really think that he's gay. We were just talking about gay rumors on our bonus episode before this. Sorry. Oh, no, no.

That's actually – Where did this come from? It was actually from our TuneIn Premium episode. It was from our bonus, bonus, bonus, bonus. We talk about so much shit on so many different things. It's hard to keep track of where we said it. Was that at the PodFest? Was that on our Hangout?

Please subscribe to us on Texture and order our Watch What Crappens mattress from Casper. And write in for the Crappens Super Fight and the Crappens mailbag. And just send us $300 we are really we are terrible I don't know how you people put up with us

we are such beggars we love ya that's for sure we do I know we really do sorry I'm like totally both I can't believe I'm letting myself get sidetracked with peas. I've been so good today about like staying on it.

To be fair, they have a lot more personality than Megan. True. At least, at least they show they, they at least have an arc. They go from being frozen to thawed. Megan is just frozen.

They don't really figure anything out, but they're still more entertaining than Megan. Okay. I just want to go on to BravoTV.com and next to all the cast bios, there's just a picture of a pea. This pea was born two months ago and has risen to fame. I saw two peas next to each other and I cried. Okay, so. What do they call the snow pea peas don't snow and snow doesn't pee so weird jim have you ever thought about that no like please stop talking wow you know i don't like those peas because they snap at you

Wow You know I don't like those peas because they snap at you He's like yes all women So next up is the Kill all cancer taping Also known as CAC CAC I support CAC I support CAC

Kill all cancer CAC I love that she found a charity whose acronym is literally cock in her accent cack cack academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards played by HBO's industries Myhala Harold a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own,

she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school

where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real.

I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th.

Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. You know, half of us are going to get cancer someday, so we all deserve some cack, am I right? Kill all cancer. I know that people out there, you know, whether you have cancer or not, you're worried about dying alone.

So get some CAC. You never know when you're going to need the CAC. You don't want to rely on CAC, but sometimes all you need is CAC. So CAC. CAC all you need is CAC. So CAC. CAC saves lives. Kill all cancer. And CAC. I love this commercial.

She's got a crew in her house. Like, do kitchen. She's got a crew in her house to do this commercial, and she's wearing her purse, which I don't know why that made me laugh so hard. I just thought it was hilarious that she's like, oh, this is a Louis. I'm wearing it. So she's like wearing her phony Louis and pretending like she just walked in from work in my new kitchen. You know, guess what? I didn't need to build this kitchen.

Cack. Did it on my own. The vagina did it. You know, this kitchen used to be Caliente, but I'll tell you what's not caliente. Cack. Cack. No, wait. I got that wrong.

Cack is caliente. Cancer is not. Okay, here's how we look at it. Cack is a caliente sign. Cancer is a frozen pea. You can take the caliente out of the kitchen, but please don't take the cack. Okay? They're like, Vicky, you've gone way

off script. Oh? Who's banging in my bedroom? Ma'am? That was weird. It's like, boom, boom. Who is banging at the walls in my bedroom? It was probably a producer. It was probably someone with a bass drum. Like, like that guy hated her the guy directing her commercial yeah i'm very honored to be in a

commercial i'm like vicky reality show oh no but this is normal and you're paying for the commercial You're paying for it You've commissioned the commercial actually You actually directed the commercial You're honored to be I'm so honored to be in a project that I've made myself It's such an honor to collaborate with myself I'm so honored that Cack asked me to speak at Cack Even though I invented Cack Oh and this director is just

hating his life. He's like, I once was on the short list to direct Batman Returns. And now I'm directing CAC. So Vicky says, I'm very honored to be in a commercial. And she goes, whether Brooks had cancer or not, like whether he did have cancer or he didn't, that's not the point. I'm not hiding it.

And if anyone shoots holes through that, I hope you don't get cancer what what what did you just say well you push the button you push your button ronnie it had to come out the threat came out you know next up comes the lie but you you push the button she blatantly says like oh people are gonna make fun of me for cancer now. You're going to be a cancer of haters of cancer. Well, who hates CAC? No one. By the way, I looked into CAC, and Kill All Cancer is a charity.

I think that her insurance policy was something where, like, it would donate proceeds to it maybe. So I was very confused she has cancer insurance she's having like cancer last week they were talking about cancer insurance but her but kill all cancer came in cac came into her office last week and then she was talking about policies i feel like that she was doing something with her policies that would like something where proceeds would go to cac oh i, I think she's coming up with a cancer – you know what I'm trying to say, goddammit. Yeah, either way. But also her big thing that she was being really low about wasn't CAC.

That's fairly new. She was getting in trouble for the cancer detox. I forget what it was called. for uh the cancer detox right it was i forget what it was called but that was that was that was the one that was shady because she started that and then brooks was did the cancer thing so she was it was like all tying into her story basically vicky can ever run for office ever she's like the worst house of cards of all time but you know what though if massive internet shaming is what gets her to bring a cancer charity to the public's eye then you know what then it's worth it you know what guys if Vicki can help

a few taxes get sheltered in her life it was all worth it you know by the way this is make me sound like a real Meghan King Edmonds I have no idea how tax shelters work I don't know what they are I have no I how tax shelters work. I don't know what they are. I know it's probably something where you don't have to pay taxes on, but I have no idea how they work. Yeah, basically when you have a foundation, as both of our politicians currently do, have you noticed that they're not bringing up each other's foundations? There's a reason. Because when you have that, you can write off a certain amount to charity, which gives you a tax. That's why every rich person has a charity of some kind.

And that's why most of them are found to be bullshit. Because they are. They're tax shelters. Right. And those write-offs then make it... Those write-offs contribute to you not having to... They are what's it called? Deductions, right?

Yes. That's the easy that's the easy and sabine i better start a charity myself it'll be a charity for like think thin bars all right so now uh that's our charity so over sometimes we tell people in the mall bill us fat okay please donate $50 million to our foundation. Thank you. So, meanwhile, speaking of charity cases, poor Shannon in her dated house. Heather comes over with a giant block of pink Himalayan sea salt. How lucky is Shannon to have a giant block of Himalayan sea salt?

Actually, very lucky. We got one one time, remember? And they're amazing. No, I never got one. You got it. Oh, I got one. One! What do you do with a block of it?

How do you, like, work that? You can serve, like, appetizers, meats and cheeses and stuff, and the salt is there. You can cook with them. You can actually use them in the oven. But how? Oh, I see. So it's not something that you scrape the salt is there you can cook with them you can actually use them in the oven how oh i see so it's not something that you scrape the salt off of it right well when you're done using it you you know you do you take kind of a layer of salt off so it kind of cleans it but then some people say that seasoning the salts right it's a whole world i don't really understand but i did like having one there is is a weird world of cooking with salt.

You can take fish and cover it entirely in salt and then bake it, and the salt actually serves as a little oven. Oh, well, there you go. Like a salt-crusted something. And so you would think, oh, my God, the fish will be so salty, but it actually is not salty because the salt is like a weird insulator in some strange way, and it's supposed to be delicious and juicy. Yeah, here's what I know. I got a salt block.

I didn't understand it. So I gave it to my mom. And she's a chef. And she's like, this is amazing. So I was like, oh. Well, I like Shannon. Once again, dipping into her bag of 90s references. She goes, a block of salt?

That should help me with my happy fat. Not. references she goes a block of salt that should help me with my happy fat not she's opening a pack of cost like a costco size box of ziploc bags i couldn't get over that i didn't notice that i wanted to google ziploc bpas because i don't know something shannon does i'm like wait a second so uh they're talking about what happened at the rest of the uh candle party and now shannon's mad at tamra because she doesn't like that tamra told her you have unresolved issues even though she obviously has unresolved issues she's like well i don't like being told how to feel i don't like that's giving me 10 to 15 more negative thoughts a day being told that you know i was

i was down to like only 50 to 60 now i'm'm up at 70 to 80. Heather, who's very good at arguing and has probably been to tons of therapy, is like, I hear you. I hear your issue. But I think that you might still have issues because otherwise you wouldn't care as much as you do now. Well, what I specifically loved about what she said was because Shan's like, she says I have unresolved issues. That's crazy. Like, I don't have unresolved issues. Don't tell me what to feel. And Heather's like, I totally get you.

But you do have unresolved issues. She literally said it. It's like everywhere I walked around that party, people kept saying, snuff it out, snuff it out. And I said, I don't have issues. It was a candle store. We were saying, snuff it out. The party was over. Everyone kept talking about David's flame. I'm like, I can't have issue. It was a candle store. We were saying, snuff it out. The party was over. Everyone kept talking about David's flame.

I'm like, I can't. Why did you mention this in front of me? I'll tell you what. People kept talking about David's eyes lighting up. Very upsetting. You know that we don't have fire retardants on our mattress, right? We can't afford to have candles We'll just burn up in a second

No formaldehyde, that's for sure Nope So she brings up the lie thing The Vicky calling her a liar thing Again And this is just so fun for me Watching Shannon just start spinning out of control Slowly but surely

Every scene a liar liar what did I lie about tell me what I'm lying about and Heather's like I'm sitting in a disgusting home on poor people furniture may I please be excused these fixtures are 20 years old I have to

get out of here so Terry and Heather are going to their steamed asshole book party doctor and mrs guinea pig i love that it's called that when i've been calling her gerbil face for years it's like i was off by a rodent just just so close um i was off like one tick on the evolutionary rodent scale. I love that they show up at the party, Heather and Terry, and she's like, I've been so busy that I had to leave the whole party to my planner. I'm like, what have you been busy with? You've been doing nothing except running out of candle stores. Pizza ovens!

Oh, gosh. You want to argue with me? Pizza oven. Bigger than a nursery go hexagonal ice so they have big old pictures of terry and heather's book cover in blocks of ice which i don't know yeah okay uh i don't have anything to say about that i just had to mention yeah we saw our friend heather mcdonald lingering in the background she actually got a line a little bit later on so it's always always so happy wonderful to see heather getting into a lot of these people and my question is always why she's like they're really nice it's like they're i really like them i'm like yeah but don't they bring you into shit

she's like no not really like i'll get gossip but they don't bring me into the middle of it and then of course we see heather talking to vicky and vicky's like oh well she thinks she's gonna call me a liar because i have i have a lie and she she's a liar and i'm gonna tell you a lie about her like at the lie lie lie lie oh no run heather run i wish heather were on real houses of orange county she would be great on it but she doesn't live in orange county i don't think so uh but um she could be one day you never know she could move she could get a little pied-a-terre down in irvine um but uh yeah i mean i believe actually like that a lot of them are pretty nice i'm like a i'm in a normal situation uh but they are just crazy people on a reality show for sure yeah

well megan is like jimmy's not coming because like he said he was with real family but then jimmy does come and megan is so happy it makes me sad she's so happy and of course the first thing that he says is like a self-aggrandizing asshole thing he's like yeah i've been driving all day just to get here for you like way to put that on her like yeah so you owe me one that's basically what that meant i'm like just say yeah like he's just like an asshole like i hate when people do that when they can't just say i'm doing this for you they have to talk about like how much they've done like you know to be like keep this in mind i drove all the way i didn't want to leave i don't want to leave but i'm coming here for you shut up well, after the conversation we had

on the tune-in episode, for her to say, Jim Edmonds is a closet sweetheart. Oh my God, when she said that, I nearly gasped. I mean, I did gasp. I did gasp. I didn't have an almost gasp.

I had a real gasp. It wasn't fake. True gasp. It was like I came close to gasping and then I re-ended back. No, I actually let it out. I was like, oh, wow. That was some real then I re-ended back. No, I actually let it out. I was like, oh, wow. That was some real-life gasping.

So then the clown drama music comes. It's like, dun, dun, dun, dun. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. And it's because Shannon and David are entering. So I guess it's going to be like, the big drama. If it wasn't bad enough at the candle store, let's see how it is at the asshole steaming book party. Yeah.

So Shannon has decided just on her own, not because of this lie, that she's going to prove to everyone that she can get along with Vicky. Without being friends. Yeah. So that's why she's doing it. Not because she's afraid of what Vicky might say. She's doing it to prove to everyone that they can get along so she starts off she you know she has this like way of talking when i think she's like uncomfortable and trying to be like super fun and so she like basically bursts in and she's like oh is that shrimp is that shrimp a little bit of my shrimp

material there that's what you got. Is this shrimp roasted? David loves shrimp. We're so happy with all our shrimp that we eat all the time. They gave me a shrimp and I said, you got me tall. Hey, you know what my favorite drink is shrimp cocktail so tamra is like look at becca she's got a hookah. Becca's got a hookah. Tamara's just in crazy party mood. Shannon opens

Vicky's shirt. She's like, oh, let me see your boobs. Ah! Boobs! So Vicky and Shannon are just pretending everything's fine. But Vicky tells us, she's like, oh, you know, Shannon's pretending everything's okay, but I'm not buying it because I was helicoptered. And it takes

that. It takes that. Okay, next time I'll have someone cut off my legs and maybe she'll send me an invitation to a dinner party. You know, the thing is, though, I know this is a cynical take, but sometimes all you have to do is just fake it till you make it. Just try to have fun, and then eventually you actually start to

have fun, and then you don't care about that shit in the past Yeah just you don't have to go out together every day Yeah I liked also Tamara asking Vicky's man Like hey batch do you carry a gun Oh my god he carries a gun He does he's got a gun

I'm like you live in Orange County I'm like only Tamara Would be in a crowded place Screaming he's got a gun. Yeah. That's white privilege right there, by the way. He's got a God batch.

That was terrible. That's true. But you know, like I'm like, you're in orange County. I feel like everyone there has a gun, a gun and a Harley. Why are you so surprised?

And the X. So then, yeah. And then a weird, weird, weird set of boobs that no one can understand. I mean, this was like plastic boobs on parade in this party. Everybody was showing off a weird rack. Yeah. And if they weren't, then they were just Jimmy and Terry who were having a conversation. And it's so funny because Terry is trying to engage Jim in a conversation.

And Jim, he just doesn't care. He's so bored. He just looks away. He's like, yeah, yeah. And Terry is like, yeah, my kids. Sometimes they barely even recognize me. He's like, yeah, it's the thing with kids. That's what they do.

They don't look. That's why I'm always telling Megan. She's my kid. No, she's your wife. What? Oh, yeah, sure. that's what I was telling Megan she's my kid no she's your wife Terry kind of tricked him into it because he's like wow you're having a baby

when Heather's pregnant I'm just like honey gotta work and Jim goes yeah that's what I do and Terry goes but one of my kids doesn't even know my name so yeah I feel pretty bad about that now. Jim's like, oh, God. Am I really being guilt-tripped by the guy who's making me come to a party about asshole steaming?

I know. He's like, I'm gonna go find some of that shrimp I hear. It's really good. Some lady was cackling about it over there. Sounded old. sounded old um so then megan continues to be the most boring person of all time because she now has like found i forget who she's even talking to but she's like so jim and i have really gotten into like this ancestry.com sort of shit and like we're learning a lot about our heritage it turns out we're both from ireland i'm like you got you could not be more boring i can't i guarantee that

jim does not care about his heritage or he already knows it. And it's totally the sort of thing where he gets cornered like, Jim? Jim? I think we should look at our heritage now. Okay, fine. Hey, Jim, could you read me the CV number from the back of your credit card because I have to give it to

Ancestry.com and I forgot it. Alright. I realized that I really like Enya and i thought wow i might be irish so you want to go to ireland last time i tried to cook beer it was green so i think i'm irish you know megan is sort of like anya that's what she sounds like when she wakes up in the morning that's what jim is jim is the one who gave her those lyrics just sail away i think it's so sad that she says yeah we're on mental stream.com and we're like irish and then i was like that would be so great if we can go to ireland guess I'll go alone without Jim you want to come

Jim has to work he's going to like some place called Mickey's I don't know he says he wants some bangers so I guess he's staying home he said he wanted to do a preliminary Irish goodbye so it's just not even coming at first when he said he was gonna have a sausage party I was excited but he said in St. Louis so I was like okay he said he's gonna have a sausage party i was excited but he said in st louis so i was like okay he said he's gonna go to a pub in st louis with andy cohen um so yeah so it's he told me ireland's slogan is like a finger up your butt doesn't make you gay and i was like oh i'm gonna go um so uh so yeah so basically everyone's like yay let's go to ireland let's let's do it let's i love how the every every season they always make it sound like the spontaneous idea like hey

you guys want to go to like ireland or something i'm free i'm free yeah let's do it as if the producers hadn't been like all right block out these two weeks we're going to ireland like like anyone's gonna go let's go to ireland tomorrow yeah a totally easy trip you know how those bitches don't have passports yeah tamra's like what do you mean passport like scotland right ireland white people like is this mean we're going to like a window factory like k Kathy Ireland windows? Isn't that what she sells? Windows or lamps or something? What does Kathy Ireland sell? Fencing?

Dave is going to... Kathy Ireland smells. I was like, she smells a lot. She sells a lot of things. Well, I'll tell you where I don't want to go. Ireland. I'm sick of the ire that I have in the land with Dave. No, it's the country. Oh, well, that's different.

So then after this Ireland stuff is settled, then Kelly, I think she's telling Vicky that she and Michael had a fight that day. And that she left him at Costco. And Vicky's like, how did he get home? Like in an Uber? she left him at Costco. And he's like, how did he get home? Like in an Uber? And apparently she wanted to stop and get a Diet Coke and a hot dog.

And he was like, I want to go home. So he just like left her and she couldn't find him afterwards. And she's like, well, fuck it. I'm going home and he can find his own way home. And you know what? I support that because you know what? If you can't support the Costco hot dog and and soda then you just you you don't deserve love well i think he was probably in the man section you know with all the tvs and electronic things he's like oh you said i could look at cameras on the way out she's like i'm getting a hot dog

and a diet coke don't move and he probably went to the next aisle and she was like fuck him he moved and left him that's how i am well listen as someone who is a huge fan of the hot dog and soda deal at costco i i fully support this move and i also think he's a dick so i'm like leave his ass at costco leave it yeah um there's a classy fight in the costco because i'm like yeah those two are so costco fighters so much like we've all seen them yeah and so much for working things out right like talking things through it well he gets drunk at the party he's already been left at costco that day he's wasted and then he starts talking to heather's gerbil eye person or whoever and he's like hey you make up right you make up and he's talking to her and then kelly's like oh my god he's so embarrassing i mean we all

like to drink but i mean he's i mean that's just too much yeah this is the first time you haven't threatened to like rip somebody's innards out at a party he was really drunk which is funny because they just had the conversation about maybe like they only fight because they drink so much and he's like and she's like i'm sorry i'm sorry and he's like uh don't worry about me i just pay the bills and then he goes over to the corner and he's like eating like chinese food out of like a container and his chopsticks are falling over and then the then the editors made it look like he broke a glass because he went to pick up his chopstick they played a glass sound effect i was like no we saw that chopstick

fall he was not holding a glass bravo but i appreciate it anyway except like and then kelly of course is being overdramatic too she's like i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry he's abusing it like oh my god let's leave him alone leave the poor man alone i did enjoy that she was sort of taking a spectator role like she wasn't getting into a full full fight she was just sort of like sitting back like we were being like i mean look at him dropping his chopsticks everywhere talking about eddie's ear god what a loser so lame i was like that's what we're saying too she's like we've got enough footage of that okay now i'll go act like he's beating up that woman she's not gonna she's not

gonna make that same mistake twice okay i like when she goes well you know like our parents stayed together for the kids and i'm doing what they did i'm like no you're staying with him because he won't give you as much money as you want you've already told us that he's holding the money you're doing it for the money let's stop pretending it's for the kid yeah exactly um so that was pretty much the episode um a fun episode as usual let's leave orange county the sunny shores of orange county to travel up to the wintry beautiful slopes of stowe vermont for the Real Housewives of New Jersey which had I think it's first truly entertaining episode of the season

right? yeah I mean to me it was mostly much of the same but I'm constantly entertained by this stupid show I don't know what it is I was entertained by the spinoff of just Joe with the kids so there you go

basically this episode I was entertained by the spinoff of just Joe with the kids. So there you go. Yeah. Basically, this episode picks up where we left off, which is that they went skiing. And now they're back from a long day of skiing. And as you may remember, Jacqueline now wants to leave because she feels that Robin is a threat. And, you know, she wants Teresa to be happy. And, you know, Teresa wants

Robin and Christina there. They're the lesbian couple. And so Jacqueline's just gonna leave. She's just gonna leave. Which is the biggest bullshit ever. The only reason why she wants to leave is not because she feels threatened. If she felt threatened, she wouldn't be hanging out with teresa in the first place she wants that she just wants to have a pity party to you know to be like well you like your new friends more than your old friends yeah you know i was your friend first

but now you're with those other people and they're your friends last and i've been friends longer than those people i love that jacqueline counts the years like that when she went so far against Teresa for what has it been, like three years? Yeah. She seems to be forgetting, like, at least subtract that three years. Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah. Oh, I agree.

And she's still going against her behind her back even now. I'm not sticking up for Teresa, by the way. Yeah, no, I'm more just, like, I'm more going after Jacqu'm not sticking up for Teresa, by the way. Yeah, no, I'm, I'm more just like, uh, I'm more going after Jacqueline than standing up for Teresa. Cause Jacqueline is an immature, petty set, like eight year old,

you know? And she has been for a long time. You know, there's, I've, I've been saying for years and years, I've always felt like tree was, I think I've,

I've never really liked tree. I've also never liked Jacqueline. I just feel like now Jacqueline is finally getting her moment of being totally an immature brat. You know, we've spent so much time focusing on how terrible Tree has been that now we almost didn't notice how bad Jacqueline is. And now she's finally getting it. Yep, she sure is. And it opens up with Dolores visiting the cool because yeah dolores and ciggy will back to the wrong horse in this one um but she comes over and melissa she talks to

joe and melissa and she's like here's where i stand you know it's been very nice except for last night when people started fighting at that restaurant and then robin threatened to beat jacqueline up and theresa can't be around that kind of thing because you know it's a very important thing for theresa to stay out of jail and therefore it's very dangerous for robin to be here i mean if boo were around i mean boo would have been like just very sad like you know poor boo you know he died and then i've got my gym that i gotta take care of and like maz he's yelling me every day like last thing you need is like jacqueline and robin fighting so you know what you can't be around robin you know because i remember like i hung around my first husband for so long oh my god

frank but then my second my fiance oh my god he made frank look like an angel you know i'm saying you you keep that robin here it's gonna be like when my son got his driver's license he's just gonna leave and not help me move a couch does it make sense they're like uh please get out of our hotel room let's renovate this hotel room now okay so ciggy comes over she's like where are we where are we at in the meeting so they both lay out their case together uh and she's like jack is getting you know jack is getting uh what was she saying someone's gotta make a move yeah someone's gotta make a move some you know the bitch who got a plane. I don't even know what she's talking about.

Even in my notes with Siggy, I don't even know what she's talking about. And Jogo was like, this freaking vacation is amazing. It's like a soap opera around here. I'm like, it's not amazing at all. It's actually terrible. So Jack, Joe, Dolores, and Siggy. Yes. So they're talking.

They go over to see teresa jacklin yeah and they're talking about soul and chris is like hey welcome to okay bye like he immediately leaves the second they're like what do we do about tree he's like bye drops the apple or whatever the hell he's holding gets the hell out of there yeah and then jacklin does this whole stupid thing about like you know what like she that girl she can annoy the hell he's holding gets the hell out of there yeah and then jacqueline does this whole stupid thing about like you know what like she that girl she can annoy the hell out of me but i love her i love that girl i've known her for 15 years no i everyone wants to latch on to tree something. They just want to latch onto her. I'm like, no, they actually just want to close the latch. Yeah.

Close the latch, darling. I mean, I understand. I understand sort of actually what she's saying. I do think there are a lot of hangers on, like for sure. Like that woman, Penny, that they brought up, yes, 100% a hanger on. But I think that Jacqueline's crying is not because she feels like Teresa is just misguided. She's crying because she feels like she's not getting attention. That's what that is.

I'm supposed to be hanging on. If too many people hold on to the same helicopter, it'll crash. And I love that Siggy's like, if Teresa wants to be friends with them, then Teresa can be friends with them. I'm like, you're literally talking to an eight-year-old. Like, you have to share your toys. It's hilarious. Jacqueline is such a little brat yes she is and meanwhile kathy and rosie are still hanging on to jacqueline so they have like a doorway into two separate tv shows whatever jacqueline so then melissa turns this like in this way drama she's like listen honey you can't save everybody's life.

It's like I always tell Joshua, someday you're going to have to caress your own thigh. And then the great enabler, Chris, walks in and he's like, you know why she's crying? Because she loves tree. Like, oh, shut up, Chris. You're at this point, you're the worst enabler and as the episode goes on we really see why this bitch gets crazier and crazier by the year she's got a husband he just pats her on the head and helps her blame everybody else around them instead of just being honest yeah i don't even understand that marriage you know he's he seems more or less level-headed i don't know why he puts up

with his wife's like bratty behavior She just must be great in bed. That's all I've got to say. Yeah. Well, everybody talks about how they don't want to be on the same floor because they're going to be too loud while they do it. That's true. So I guess she's still giving it up. Yep. So then Melissa goes over to Tree and is like, yeah, so, like, we think that, like, Robin should go home because, because you know you can't be around dangerous people

and now tree's getting mad and tree's like well jacklyn's just playing the victim because she likes playing the victim which is true i mean the fact that tree can like properly assess a situation is very scary yeah when tree's the smart one in the room it's time to rethink your casting yeah yeah exactly and she was right she's like yeah but here was the one he said rage all over your own ass you know like rage all over your own ass yeah are you telling people to rage on your ass and then like she sat down on her yeah you know and robin goes listen i'm gonna defuse it okay we're gonna don't do that don't you'll explode us she's like no no diffuse it like stop the situation oh all right well i i love this was the first of basically a series of people over

the course of the hour being like you know what i'm gonna leave i'm gonna leave i'm gonna go home i'm gonna go home just like every time i want to go home i want to go home i'm gonna be the one to go home no i'm gonna go home no me melissa i'll go home by the way all of you go home. I'm going to be the one to go home. No, I'm going to go home. Not me. Melissa, I'll go home. Just all of you go home. How about that? I also want to say that I do think that Jacqueline is doing a disservice to women who are actually threatened. Because when this woman was like, I'm going to rage all over your ass.

I mean, I don't even know what that meant. But, like, it wasn't going to be a real fight. And the fact that Jacqueline has now turned into this whole thing like, well, she's violent. I can't be around her, yada, yada, yada. I think it really is a discredit to the actual women out there who are in violent situations where people say, oh, she's just being overdramatic. It's like, no. By you, Jacqueline, being so over the top about this woman, just ignore her. But now it's a whole thing. Yeah, she's

totally one of those women in those movies where they look like the victim but then you find out that it was them the whole time like we've talked about that a lot those like 80s 90s movies yeah she's totally one of those where she keeps poking at somebody just to piss her off and then she finally gets the lady pissed off and then she's like she's gonna hit me yeah you know i mean you know it's funny because there's the whole argument like don't blame the victim but like they're like there's like this gray area where it goes from don't blame the victim to like but you were instigating you know so she's on that side of this in this situation she's on that side and yeah she's basically kenya moore with the bullhorn yeah exactly and i love that when the lesbians left they're like you know we're gonna

leave you know what because we we don't want like we don't want to let jacklyn get her way you know she wants we don't want to get away i'm like do you realize you leaving is jacklyn getting her way do you realize that yeah but the sense of the people don't have sense on these shows i love it they use every saying wrong yes no one seems to know what right or wrong is and this shows like the most famous for that or like oh poetry yeah felony melissa by the way melissa cracked me up she's like because she tells the lesbian she's like you know no one wants to see you leave do you need a car by the way i can call a car for you want me to call a car for you i'll have a car here in five minutes okay god so they go to dinner and everybody's exhausted and just hating being here at this point.

It's cold. It's rainy. Nobody's having fun. They're going to a place called the Matterhorn, which should be the best roller coaster in the world. But it's like five seconds long. Yes. And dark. Yeah.

The food sucks. There's an abominable snowman. So everyone sits down for dinner, and Tree is mad. She's mad because Robin left because Jacqueline was throwing a hissy fit. Basically, a passive-aggressive hissy fit. So, of course, it starts to come out, right? Well, can't you see there's minus two people? Can't you notice?

There's, like, two people not here. Can't you see? You said you were threatened why'd you sit on us and then jacqueline's like she threatened to rage all over my ass and she's like then why did you sit on it then and so then jacqueline says i gave her my ass so she could rage on it i'm like what logic is this you were afraid of having your ass raged on so you gave her your ass so she could rage on it i'm like what theresa yeah but like she didn't just do say that like what was the conversation before that and jacklyn goes well she just didn't like the way i was behaving i love how jacklyn always

makes these situations out like she's such a victim nobody yet she never did anything to anybody and she goes i can't believe you're standing up for her she has a history of fighting uh so why would you needle her then yeah no kidding and who are you to talk yeah and so then tree is like you're manipulative that's what you do and then i love ciggy all of a sudden goes and that's when a bomb hit me in the face. I mean, that explains a lot. I just see so much hurt. A giant bomb right in the face.

Like Norishima in my nostrils. Oh, yeah. She goes, Jacqueline is so hurt that she's taking the other side over hers. She doesn't even see black it's devastation for her i know i'm like doesn't even see black what does that mean isn't red don't you see red i don't know what the fuck she's talking about either people and their sayings on this show she doesn't even see black she is so hurt it's like a hurt bomb fell on me it was like the hurt locker and i was tucked inside it was like i was in seventh grade in iraq getting shoved into

hurt lockers and jacqueline you've known her for 10 minutes goodbye goodbye fine goodbye and she gets up like because her big thing is leaving which has anybody ever asked like beg jacqueline to stay anywhere ever like why is that the biggest threat jacqueline leaving bye literally at her wedding they're probably all really happy for her just to like their the best time of that wedding was probably during the cocktail at when they're taking photos like thank god she's not here they had probably had the cans tied onto her car the night before they were like go just go now. The best part about all this is there were these three women in the corner at a different table, and they were living for this.

They just kept on watching, like spectators. They were laughing, and they weren't pointing, but you could see they were doing play-by-play. I was so jealous of them. God, no one can eat in these damn restaurants. They're all screaming at each other. Melissa's like there you go running away There you go running away Don't run don't run And Chris tells

Just Jackie's off being dramatic and Chris is like Listen this is how Jacqueline Feels she was your friend Before Jacqueline loves You you gotta learn how to trust her cause her heart's in the right place and you know what he actually

I actually thought that he explained it very clearly and nicely and I thought like for a moment he was gonna penetrate and then Tree just sort of like stares at him with some blinks her eyes every time and is like yeah but don't antagonize them like why are you antagonizing

right against their ass like why would you do that i know it's the actual her response was is this tap water i can only have bottled water and then she actually what she actually says she actually says it's like you're asking for it which is of course like that's such a trigger phrase i was like i can't believe as a woman you said that and ciggie goes but no one has even explained how it started and jacklyn's like well you're the crazy table flipping bitch okay am i flipping a table am i flipping any tables man so then um so then jacklyn starts listing all of theresa's history of violence Like she's the one who went

Chasing after a prostitution whore at the past fashion show She's the one who flipped a table She's the one who threw a man off a chair And they show the shot of Tree pushing Andy down I'm like that was hardly They always act like it was the most violent thing that ever happened Poor Andy got pushed down into a little chair

Yeah he's so scared He gives her a spin off They always act like it was the most violent thing that ever happened. Poor Andy got pushed down into a little chair. Yeah, he's so scared. He gives her a spinoff in like 20 different special interviews. Also, all of these things that Jacqueline listed, she was kind of at fault for. She started everything that they showed. Jacqueline started. Yeah. And threw a man off a chair it's not like tree went found a man grabbed him by the shoulders and threw him across the room like a monster she literally just got up and she

and andy got up in the same space and he fell down that's all i mean he pushed her she pushed him a little bit but it wasn't like also that was the best thing ever it's like why are you bringing that up everybody at home is just cheering over the greatest hits yeah exactly it really it's true it's like oh yeah these are the things we liked about tree yeah so why don't you just keep walking bitch so jacqueline is like i i know what's happening now she's just using this as an excuse to turn on me i'm like you're the one who turned on her sorry lady and she goes yeah maybe you wanted her as a soldier he's like what's a soldier and jacqueline's like oh yeah you're falling soldiers johnny the greek penny the stripper guy she starts going through all the soldiers johnny the greek again she's, I have nothing to do with that.

Cree is just going to hold on to that forever. Now, this was tricky because Jacqueline, and I like that Mel, of course, knew exactly what she was doing. She's like, she's bringing up the worst, like she might as well be talking about sprinkle cookies right now. She's bringing up the worst thing she could possibly do to try and make us fight, and she's not

even being subtle about it, and it's just making us like each other right exactly and so she's dragging melissa into and then jacqueline's like so most is getting mad and then jacqueline's like why are you being snippy with me why are you being snippy with me and it's like why do you think jacqueline because you're out of your mind you're being crazy you're in you're in quaint vermont town yelling like crazy at the matterhorn calm the fuck down yeah you're squealing at everybody yeah uh so she starts going into this thing where she's saying i was the one who warned you that there was that guy in the hair place that was saying that you were a stripper melissa and i even told joe didn't i tell you joe didn't i tell you and then they cut to her telling them.

But it's all on camera and they all know. It's a fight from, you know, a million years ago. It's a fight from forever ago. But to be honest, it was also like I kind of feel like that detail of Jacqueline being like, yeah, when they were talking about this, that was like literally four years ago, five years ago. And like I wouldn't be surprised if i didn't remember exactly who told me about what was going on but either way melissa's like uh because melissa's like she doesn't want to dredge up the past she just sort of wants to stay out of it even if she does remember she just doesn't want to go there and so she doesn't want to answer so then jacqueline really loses it she's

like you're a fake phony bitch which then makes melissa go go fuck yourself and i'm like yay this is i'm like really enjoying this and the waiter's like waving a finger in my face so i'm gonna break it off and sell it at envy but then she pulled the victim thing right back at jacqueline which was funny she's like what have i done to warrant you calling me a fucking stupid bitch just kept being the victim and then well melissa also had a good point when because jacqueline's like you're a fake phony bitch and everyone knows it and melissa's like well if i'm a fake phony bitch then why are you my friend that means you're a fake phony bitch she goes i've been good to you you've been good to me

you've been good to me oh yes jac good to me? You've been good to me? Oh, yes, Jacqueline. Who's always out there doing things for others. You know, good old Jacqueline. Famously. And, of course, she always loves – she's such a tattletale. And, again, she's such a brat. So then she decides she's going to call Kim D.

I don't know why. Oh, I think to get verification about the stripper situation. She's going to call Kim D to be like, yeah, I was the one who said I was the one. No, no, no, no, no. And that's even then, like, that's when Chris is like, put down the phone. You're not going to win this one. Just put down the phone. And she tells Melissa, well, I guess everything Tree said about you might have been true. So she's calling.

Oh, my God. So then Chris is trying. Chris tells us, I feel bad for Jack because they don't give a shit. They don't give a shit about her. That wasn't hate. It was hurt. Oh, please shut up. What evidence is that they don't give a shit about her?

They don't give a fuck about her. That she had a tantrum. That she made a big drama over something stupid. And they didn't want to indulge it that doesn't mean you don't give it that doesn't mean she purposely tried starting a fight then she did it again and rose it to a physical level when she starts screaming about punching her in the face and laughing in that girl's face then she comes to dinner and she's not winning so she immediately goes to low blow and brings up stripper gate so now she's calling melissa a stripper again yeah in a round robin way exactly you're a mess lady and these

are people who spent years trying to get melissa and theresa to be friends again and now they're finally friends they're like well i can't i don't understand why they're standing up look at them standing up for each other it's like that's what you wanted actually that's a good thing they're getting along you know um and i like that when Melissa asks Jacqueline, like, what did I do wrong? Like, what did I do to make you act like this way? And then Jacqueline's like, oh, well, now I'm not going to answer you, you fake phony bitch. I'm not answering you. You're fake.

You have four nose jobs. I go to the same doctor as you, and he told me. It was, like, so hideous. That's like the pot face calling the kettle face black. I know. I mean, Jacqueline's like a really terrible fighter. Like she always goes for like the stupidest, most immature things. She doesn't go for things that are like funny.

She doesn't go for a good zinger. She just has stupid petty shit. You're like, oh, fuck this. Whatever Teresa's on should be given to any person who's ever been in any kind of violent situation because she's like, look at her. You think that's normal? Like telling Siggy. Like this is who you're standing up for. You think that's normal?

Siggy just keeps going, she's hurt. She's hurt. And I love that Dolores then weighs in with some strange metaphor. She's like, I don't know this part of the zoo. It's new to Siggy. Sig, you're in the part of the zoo. Don't do not feed them. You can't feed them in this part of the zoo. It's new to Siggy. Sig, you're in the part of the zoo. Don't do not feed them. You can't feed them in this part of the zoo.

You got to walk away from the cage. You know what you got to do? You got to go to like the, you got to go to the concessions, get yourself a Diet Coke, but don't spend too much that, you know, they'll always book you at the zoo. You know what I like to do? I like to sneak in my own Diet Coke. Don't tell anyone that. Don't tell Frank.

Oh my God. If Frank knew I was doing that, man, he used to give me, when we used to go to movies together when we were married. Oh, it was terrible. But then, you know, my fiance, he loved bringing in twizzlers but you know i was like ah no but we take them to the zoo all the time you know i know i know zoos i get zoos i want to i'm actually gonna open up a zoo yeah you know the aquarium section of the zoo usually they got a microwave in the office over there so i can bring in my own popcorn and pop that because i'm not gonna eat the

popcorn out of these things like who knows what this popcorn has been you know this popcorn was in another machine and then they brought it back to this popcorn. It feels all lonely in this machine because it doesn't understand how... I mean, this machine needs the wall gone so the popcorn can pop properly. You know what I'm trying to say? You know, if these girls had any sense, they'd know not to yell at the zoo. You know, they're pandas there. They're trying to mate. They can't mate

if there's stress. You know, the stress ain't the pandas. We're never going to get any baby pandas around you. I just wish these girls would realize that for once. They're not used to the zoo. I'm telling you right now. They're never going to get any baby pandas around you. I just wish these girls would realize that for once. They're not used to the zoo, I'm telling you right now. They're not used to it. Oh, so Melissa, um, so Teresa. Oh, my next note is about Teresa

who does actually something pretty clever. She turns the tables, no pun intended, on Jacqueline. She accuses Jacqueline of being the one who was in on Shripper Gate, because all this time it's that tree was in on Shripper Gate and she's like yeah the reason why you want Melissa's because you were in on it all the time and that makes Jacqueline lose her mind it's it's such a mental fuck you to Jacqueline yes and how is Teresa thinking like this I'm so impressed yeah

she like came up with it on the spot I was like wow theresa look at you on your on your meds and it actually kind of made sense yeah what she was saying like to send theresa to the place and then have theresa be there when this guy comes on to embarrass melissa yeah it's just like killing two birds with one stone yeah i don't believe it's necessarily the truth but yeah it's pretty good um so uh who flicks joe's nose so oh uh jackie she's like and you she who flicks Joe's nose? Oh, Jackie. She's like, and you! She, like, flicks his nose. It's like, hey, no touching, no touching. Yeah, Melissa's like, no touching.

Oh, yeah. She's literally a little girl. Literally a little girl. No touching, Jacqueline. Jacqueline, how do you speak to adults, Jacqueline? Jacqueline, you twisted bitch! And Teresa says, I learned from the best, I learned from the best, ha ha ha.

I learned from the best, ha ha ha. And she's just mocking Jacqueline, who's standing up, squealing, throwing her fingers. And she's like, I feel threatened! And she's like, oh, I feel so threatened, I feel so threatened. Ah! Ah!

Does her Teresa squeal. And jacqueline she goes there she goes you poor thing you poor fucking criminal it's like dun dun dun she said she also said she's like there's a sociopath narcissist i know and then as she walks out she goes fucking felon oh my god and i love that they're like she storms out and then they're trying to calm down uh tree and everything and then delores she's like yeah i'll have uh some buffalo wings please let me get like three orders of them so she's not finishing this baked potato am i right i can just take this is that rude yeah so outside chris the biggest enabler husband ever is like here's what i saw you walked in and immediately you got attacked yeah no okay you shouldn't throw stones when you live in a glass house because you might break a wall and then before you know it your house is getting repossessed and you got to pay for the broken wall.

He's stupid. Jacqueline was not being attacked. The thing is this. They can't perceive everything as an attack. Tree was annoyed and I can't believe I'm defending Tree but Tree was annoyed and Jacqueline responded in a really passive aggressive – well, Tree was being passive aggressive but Jacqueline, she's incapable of ever tangling with someone without being a total passive-aggressive brat.

I know I keep saying brat, but that's what she is. She's a passive-aggressive brat, and you're not going to ever have a helpful conversation with that sort of candor, especially with someone like Tree. What was amazing is that Tree actually almost seemed to defend Danielle Staub. Cause she was like, yeah,

now she, she like turns on all her friends. He even turned on, you know, Danielle Staub and I was like, wow. And she punched Caroline, his sister-in-law in the face.

Yeah. I love that. She brings that up every episode. No, you know, Jacqueline pushed Caroline, his sister-in-law in the face. And then they're all like,

I can't believe that Jacqueline calls you a criminal. Wow, she used the C word, and it wasn't like the cut fitness word. She called you a criminal. Wow, wow. I'm like, well, you know, she did go to jail. That is something that she did defraud some people. So, yeah, that's...

So Jackie in the car, I see who they are. I get it now. They're con men and phonies it's terrible what they did to kathy and rosie that's unforgivable notice how i'm not crying notice i'm not crying because i clearly know no it's the botox and inside sick is like i don't like this and tree's like you cry too much you gotta stop crying tree's like eating a celery stalk i think the most disturbing part of this entire fight Was then after all this

Like a platter of sushi arrived I'm like whoever's eating sushi at the Matterhorn I am very concerned And Ziggy goes My friend is fragile She's fragile And Tree goes I'm fragile

I'm fragile My husband is gonna go to the jails The camps Oh gee shut up And then Siggy's like They keep bringing out this food and I'm gonna vomit I can't Oh god

So then we get to go to my favorite thing about Jersey Joe and the kids And the little kids like I wish mama was here so we could have family time And Joe's like you're gonna hang out with me okay you can come visit me at camps daddy's gonna get real skinny yeah what you're gonna do what can you what are you gonna do it's like yeah i'm getting into good shape and line's like no you're always gonna be fat because your stomach is too has expanded too much it'll never

go back down again sorry uh because what you seriously think i'm fat and she goes you're fatter than pregnant people and she's like well at least you won't be drinking wow these girls are tough and goes every day i'm gonna check in to make sure you take out the garbage every day i'm gonna call and check in she's like how are you gonna check and the little one goes the security cameras yeah when she did that i was like wow shade she can't have he can't have his phone in there like mom oh my god this is like the classiest family i love it i know it was a great nbc false sitcom um so then um it's the next is it the next day next morning no it's at night i think it's at night. I think it's at night. Siggy and Dolores come back. They're trying to talk to Jacqueline.

And I love, speaking of NBC, the way Siggy talks sometimes, she talks like she is like a tagline for an NBC show. She's like, it's toxic on the highest level. I'm like, it's like, is she like referring to a new submarine show on Sunday nights? I can't tell. And she kind of looks like Alf. Yeah. Like in a very pretty way. Like she's got kind of Alf face.

You know what I mean? Like squinty eyes, like a bigger nasal area. Very Alf. She's got a lot of Alf prettiness going on there. Yeah. And then Siggy starts going on a whole thing. She's like, you know what? I'm going to go home now.

I can't. I can't deal with – if people don't want to be together, they can't be together. I've never been in a situation like this. It comes into nose job and posh and bosh and fosh, and then I hear criminal and bang, bang, bang. I'm done. I'm done. And Jacqueline is just sitting there being cold. She's like, mm-hmm, hope you enjoyed your dinner without me. She's like just being cold and mad at them because they stayed with Teresa.

Oh, God. And then Siggy just goes on this. She goes upstairs with Dolores, and she just goes on this rant. It's not okay. Is she mad at us for not following her? My gut says it's the beginning of a long drama. But you know what? It's time for Siggy to be selfish.

Fuck her, fuck her, fuck you, fuck you. I'm out then. I'm out. They're animals. I don't even know from this. Like, what is this? An elephant cage? A monkey cage?

Is there poop being thrown? Is the kids being squashed? Are we talking about the zoo again? Are we talking about the zoo? Okay, so here's what you do. You go to the elephants first, then you go to the leopards, okay? And then the leopards, you wait around a little bit, okay? Because they sometimes take a long time to get used to you.

But when they come out, don't taunt them, C. Hey, why don't you let me finish till the end? All right, all right, all right. You're right, you're right. Now it's a mosh and a posh. I'm crying like I'm watching soldiers come back. Now here's what you do. You walk around the block.

Sometimes you walk them all. The same thing. You're walking. You know what I'm saying? It's just the end. If Jersey wasn't our day, I already gave birth. Now I got to go through this. thing you're walking you know what i'm saying is this the end if jersey was an hour a day i already gave birth now i gotta go through this they kept we're in vermont this is supposed to be this this is supposed to be the land of cows and all that's happening is everyone's having a cow i can't deal

with it anymore it's like they're like five hours later and she's like oh the grass is always greener but not if you're buried under it you know what I'm saying four scorns seven years ago am I right the only thing we have to fear is fear itself that's what I always tell Joshua I'm making a declaration of independence

one small step for Siggy one huge sleep for mankind am I right that's what I'm saying we put a man on the moon but now someone's gonna I'm saying. We put a man on the moon, but now someone's going to get fought because they're putting a moon on the dike? Like, is that how the world is working now? Would you believe it?

We went to the moon. It's amazing. It's amazing what we could do, but these two can't even get along. I'm going to NASA to see what they can help with. Well, NASA, you know, it's funny because I like to go to Nassau County, which is almost the same thing.

They don't have spaceships there, but you know what? They've got some great malls there. And I think you should go. It's a whole different breed. You know, I think I want to open up a gym there. Dolores, be quiet for just one second. You're like a bomb going off in my face. All right, all right.

I'll be quiet. We see Teresa in bed and she's and honey calls. I'm like, oh, I can't wait to see who honey is. I'm thinking it's the new housewife. And it's Joe. He's like, and Honey calls. I'm like, ooh, I can't wait to see who Honey is. I'm thinking it's the new housewife. And it's Joe. He's like, so what? Well, who cares? She called me the C word. The other one.

Not run, but you know, the other one. He's like, what other one? Cock? No, no, no. The other one. Candied apples up your butthole no joe uh colostomy bag i don't even know what that is that like at ralph's i don't know uh cocktail oh i love that movie uh cessation no no no joe It's like they're out of pepperonis at the Ralph's. Criminal! That's it, Joe.

That's the one. There goes my boulder. He says something about having a big poop or something. What did he say? No, he had a hard-on, and then when she called, she made it go away with all this talking. She's like, no, talking. She's like, sorry. She's like, was it a big one? He's like,

yeah, what you can do? What are you going to do? So the next morning, Jacqueline has left the building and since Dolores is the only one left who hasn't really declared that she wants to leave, Dolores is like, you know what? I want to go home. I've decided I got to go home.

You know what? Frankie's there. He's got abs decided I got to go home. You know what? Frankie's there. He's got abs. I got to see them all. That's all there. They're both furious. Neither one of them has anything to do with anything. They're not in this fight. They got no horse in this fight.

And they're the most furious. We're leaving. That's it. We're leaving. So knock, knock. It's like knock, knock, knock. Yeah. And Siggy just starts to cry. We're leaving. That's it. We're leaving. So knock, knock. It's like, knock, knock. Yeah, and Siggy just starts to cry. Hey, everybody, no crying.

No more crying. And Siggy runs away. She's like, I'm gonna do this with my fur hat. Now listen, I'm leaving because I'm mourning. I'm mourning my friend who got a bomb in her face who never even saw blackness. It was a very targeted bomb that only a bomb in her face who never even saw blackness. It was a very targeted

bomb that only hit someone in the face and only exploded the face and that's it. Ah. Little Siggy's like, even in her diary room session, she's like, I got so angry. Oh wait, hold on. I need this now. And she picks up this little mini fan

and blows it in her face and she's like, this is how mad i am like i'm having a hot flash and what i love is that she doesn't even she's she doesn't even laugh she's not she just takes that she's like i need a moment and then she just looks into the fan as if she's like posing for a music video like the hair is moving she just she just gives that fan like this beyonce look it was amazing and then when it cuts back to the kitchen she's like i've never been put in a place like this with women like this it's like these apples and she starts throwing around the dried apples yeah she's like this apple apples and she starts throwing

them all over the kitchen tree has a weird trigger when it comes to throwing things like this the second time this season where like there's been a bowl or a platter of things and she just threw them all and then laugh gravity and then in the midst of this apple throwing which is already becoming sort of like performance art this one

this one then Dolores is like everyone be quiet Dolores freaks out I mean slamming on the table of freaking out This one, the Dolores is like, everyone be quiet. Dolores freaks out. I'm slamming on the table of freaking out. I tell you, I ain't going to put up with this shit. I'm going home. I'm like, were you attached to the dried apples? She's like, every apple that you throw out is a memory of Boo. And I refuse to be deprived of my memories of Boo.

Boo loved to catch apples. be deprived of my memories of boo boo love to catch apples so three is like ah now this is a dolores i know ah there you go there you go there's a real dolores yeah so then dolores and siggy leave and then back i can't with these two melissa looks like she's going to like studio 54 and tree looks like melania they don't get that's not an empathetic look to be fair you did put on a puffy hat to make your complaints and then when melissa was leaving melissa got bitchy with her did you notice she's like all right well then you guys have fun you go have fun with your kids and you have fun with your ex-husband yeah okay bitch like leave some sugar cookies behind so then meanwhile back in jersey jacqueline's doing what i think the only thing

she ever does is make little antipasti trays honestly every episode she's always pulling out little pieces of salami and putting them on a platter all the time. Yeah, she's like, let's cut a cheese. I'm stressed. So Kathy comes over, because clearly the bat signal went out, like, oh, crazy tree story. So Kathy's like, I'm here, I'm here.

What do we need to know? And they tell Kathy. But of course, you know, Kathy just hears their version, which is that tree was totally unhingeded and she was attacking her from the moment. And these lesbians were so violent, they whipped out machetes and they were pinning Jacqueline down to the ground. It's a miracle she got out with her life intact, you know. And Kathy's like, whoa, it's crazy.

And Chris is really helping. He's like, right at dinner, the attack started. And they had the wrong person's back. Jacqueline was sincerely hurt. I look at her and I see hurt. We had to leave before our hamburger sushi could arrive. Kathy just kept her damn mouth shut. She's like, yes, thank you.

I will have some cheese and pepperonis. Yeah. Jacqueline was like, well, I did also call her a criminal. I meant to say the other c words like con artist or 41 counts of phony with a count capital c so you know that's the c that i'm talking about just because it's delicious cereal that always goes good with roni kokomo spelled incorrectly because i just always think it was spelled with a c not a k Kokomo spelled incorrectly because I always think it was spelled with a C, not a K.

Crayons! So Melissa and Tree are stuck together for the first time ever. Well, except for that time they walked around the cul-de-sac awkwardly together. We got a cameo appearance by our favorite housewife, Gondola Price, because they went up in a gondola.

She's like, i'm afraid of heights so they basically have like a we're bonded uh even though we hated each other now we can just hate everybody else kind of bonding thing oh that's nice you know what those dumb bitches ruined what could have been a great little weekend if it were me i would have just been wrapped up in a blanket playing sellers of katan perhaps with kathleen callahan phelps who commented on our facebook page that she was playing katan and wished we were playing with her um but um those bitches know how to ruin anything they may not they sure do but one thing you can always count on on jersey but at least they're at least this episode was like a full-on fight.

At least it wasn't just like an hour of little simpering words here and there in various strip malls in New Jersey. At least there was confrontation for once. Yeah, it was a fun show. I'm loving Siggy and Dolores. I think they're a hilarious addition to the show. Siggy and Dolores. I think they're a hilarious addition to the show. Now that we've broken... Well, I shouldn't say that. Now that they've broken Siggy's

cherry of just freaking yelling and having a fit, I think she's going to be fitting in much better because that's all you need. You need to lose it one time before you can calmly lose it. Siggy is an example of the best kinds of housewives. The ones that you just love, whether they're fighting

or just being normal, where you're just happy to see her on screen um gosh i she is the future of this franchise and i really enjoy dolores too even though she does absolutely nothing i just enjoy how seriously she takes her life and how she yeah she really just talks and talks and talks about the mundane things in her life as if they are on par with fighting ISIS. It's great. And it's like very real. Cause I'm like that too.

Love it. Well, we enjoy your Jersey. We enjoy you listeners. Yeah. I think, you know what? Like Jersey's not great,

but it's, I think it's definitely better than last season and everyone watch it. Help the ratings go up a little bit. Thanks for listening everyone subscribe to this podcast you know we were joking before about all the things we make you guys do we forgot to mention you have to subscribe to the podcast

because the more subscribers we have the farther up we go on the charts and more people can discover us so everyone thanks so much for supporting us and we will talk to you later this week. Bye. Bye.