Watch What Crappens - #3346 RHOA S17E05 Part One: Texas Read ‘Em

Episode Date: May 4, 2026

This is part one of a two-part recapThe Real Housewives of Atlanta heads to Texas where Kelli and Shamea get stuck in an allegedly dirty house and nearly miss all the action as Pinky and Angela engage in an iconic war of words.Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello and welcome to Watchword Crappins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today to talk about Real Housewives of Atlanta. It's Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Hi. What's you doing? Just hanging out with you starting off a brand new week. We're so excited.

We added a third show to our cabaret line up. It's Watch for Crappins. Watch What's a Green Room at the Green Room. at the Green Room 42 for Forbidden Housewives. It's going to be on June 3rd, June 3rd, June 3rd is sold out. June 5th, the early show sold out, but we added a late show. So go to our website or go check out our social media and ticket links are there.

Get your tickets before those sell out too. Also, brand new. New York City. Yeah, New York City. Also, you can buy live stream tickets for each three of the shows. So you can get those at the same link. Just go to our website. You'll see the link there.

Yes. And Ronnie himself just wrote another Read What Crappins. That's available on Patreon. It's free for all to enjoy. It's the most important literature of our times. If you're not reading that, that is very important.

Litrecha. Get on it. Yeah. Yeah. Get into it. Get into it. And today we have Amazon Live, and that's at 130 West Coast time.

And we have a crappy hour. at 5.30 West Coast time, 8.30 East Coast time. So join us for those, because we will be talking about a lot of fun stuff on both. And then Patreon.com slash watchworkrappens for all the other. Patreon, great stuff. So today, Atlanta. Atlanta. Whoa. Well, you know, this episode was so interesting because almost all of it was, in my mind, terrible. And then all of a sudden it like comes to life in the last 10 minutes and like was amazing. I don't know how I should have had an episode could be so terrible and so amazing all at once. It's it's bizarre. It was like I enjoyed it.

I mean, I enjoyed. Oh, God. No, I was going to say it's just it's clear they didn't have enough. This, the big showdown between Angela and Pinky was obviously the set piece. That's the climax. So they have to put that at the end of the episode. But they just didn't have enough. leading up to it. They just were trying to make all these scenes stretch in my mind. And I was like,

can we just get to the good stuff? Let's make this a 10-minute episode. Yeah, I think that they were sticking a little much to their guns with their reboot last year, their soft reboot that they did. And I think that they should have not just kept everybody. I think that that should have been a big audition session. And they should have said, okay, you work, you work. The rest of you don't work. thank you, have a good day. And cut people because Shemia, it's just not working Shemia. I'm so sorry. Kelly, Kelly's kind of funny, but Shemimmy and I don't know, they're trying too hard. And what I really liked about this episode was it showed the difference between good, good house wivery and bad house. You have Shemia and you have Kelly trying to make this huge thing about, oh, we just got the pool house and oh, we're not even going to go to dinner and like doing this whole thing.

Nobody cared. Nobody cared that you weren't there. The audience did not care that you weren't there. And then you made such a boneheaded decision over such a stupid, meaningless thing that you missed the best scene of the season while you were out by the pool. And then they had to come slinking up because they heard it. And they heard that it was good. And they came slinking right back so they could be a part of it. And I just thought that was so funny. And it was so rich. Well done, Angela. And Pinky. Even, I mean, Pinky, you know, It was her first. It was our first big go, so I'll give her a break. But goddamn, that scene was funny. That was amazing. I mean, I was laughing out loud. I mean, I think he had a few good shots in there, too. But really, it was Angela.

When you go to, you know, you resort to age and menopause and blah, blah, blah, like, girl, you're 38. You're close. You're in the neighborhood. You know what I mean? Like, you're, that's low. Like, and I mean, my neighborhood. Not that I'm going through menopause. I just mean.

age happens. It happens to all of us, darling. So when you have to resort to that. Now, the poor stuff was fine. Yeah, I mean, I thought when she said something like I, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, you owe your, your employee's money, she goes, I owe you a new lace front. Like, that was funny to me. But, um, and Angela just like the age stuff.

Yeah, Angela was the one who, uh, just dominated that. And it was so funny. And it went on. It was so chunky. It really was like it went on and on and on. and on and on and it just was hilarious. I think what I don't need for the show is to joke the joke in the sense that like it's already funny what's happening on screen.

We don't need to cut away to hear Fadra tell us how funny it is or for, you know, like it was funny when Porsche dropped her cup. Like that was good. But I felt like this episode today was a lot of winking at the audience like right from the beginning, right from this like Dallas intro that they did, which is the same thing that they did. I think on Real House was at Dallas when they went. to the JR ranch.

And like, I was like, okay, I'll let them have like a goofy opening, even though I didn't love it. It's just an opening, a cold open. But it really, like, the whole episode, they just had to resort to a lot of flashbacks. It was like a clip show. And so I was like, okay, you guys don't have enough footage. Like, and I think this is what happens when something really exciting happens too early in their shooting schedule.

They have to make the other stuff like stretch for the whole episode. And it was, I don't know, I just want better for the show. I want better. And by the way, and I also want to say, I totally agree about Shemia and Kelly in case I didn't reference that. To acknowledge what you just said, yes, 100%. Shemia is really just flopping more than Kelly even. Yeah, I mean, Kelly has her funny moments, you know, but Shemia really doesn't to me. And not to be a hater, because I like Shemia, I'm rooting for her, but it's like how many years do you have to root, you know, before you just have to say, okay, I need a better player to root for her.

She just seems like it's hard. She just trying. I think she thinks she's so funny all the time. And listen, I get it. I get it. Look, I'm laughing at my own joke right now. But she really does think she's funny. And she'll do these bits in the confessional that just seem to go on a little too long.

And are like a little too obviously scripted. A little too obviously like winky, winky. Like, aren't I being hilarious right now? Could you want to put me into a gift right now? And it's like, oh, Shame. you shouldn't be working this hard to do this. Oh, gifless, gifless shimia. Okay, so we start with some corny sitcom music to intro.

It's like 80s. And then we see Cynthia Fadra and special guest star Adrian Maloof, because it is a dynasty episode. I'm about to say, excuse you, it's not sitcom intro. I know in our notes that says sitcom, but you know what? I think this is a young person who wrote these. A young person. I'm like what?

It's like half of this cast is like, what's dynasty? What is that? I know, but it was sort of funny because it was a little bit of mixed messaging. It was like, the theme is dynasty,

but we're going to have a Dallas intro and it's going to be Dallas, but it's going to be dynasty also. I'm like, I understand they're just doing the CBS, you know, nighttime soaps of the 80s, but it just was like funny

that there was all to talk about dynasty, but they were really going to Dallas. I was like, something, can we say, consistent with one franchise. Did they not know that Dallas was a soap opera? I'm confused because they're like, we're going to

Dallas, so we're going to do a big nighttime soap opera from the 80s dynasty. Well, I know, especially since yesterday, apparently was the 35th anniversary of the Dallas finale that just popped up on Twitter. For some I think I've talked about 80s that

enough on this podcast that my Twitter algorithm is now just serving me random 80s sitcom factoid, which is why I'm now reporting every single time. It's the anniversary of some shows, you know, series finale.

I'm like, did you know that Empty Nest aired this episode 133? Because I'm getting empty, empty nest facts on my Twitter now. And that's not even a joke. Well, just you wait because some,

at some point this week, you're going to be able to talk about Alf. I feel it coming. It's coming. I hope that for you. I wish that for you. One hopes. So we see this like soap opera eat.

What? It's aliens. Adrian Maloof. Alf. She does have elf in her name. We went straight from an alf reference into alien, alien Maloof. Adrian Maloof. Watch your cats. Watch out for your cats.

Adrian Maloof is back. Why is Adrian Maloof here? I mean, I don't know. But whatever you guys need to do. What? I feel like Adrian Maloof goes up to every person. Because, you know, she has a big Christmas party like Kathy Hilton does. And so she invites tons of Bravo people.

And so she still stays within that world. You know, she knows a ton of housewives and stuff. And I feel like she has gone up to every single person and been like, you want some, you want a liquor? You want a liquor with my company? We have a great company. We have a great company. We have lots of liquor.

I don't know if you've ever heard of Zing! But that was mine. That was my liquor. It's very popular, very popular red velvet cake, flavored vodka. Whoa. With a light in the bottom, an LED light in the bottom. Zing. Oh my God. You know, you mentioned the LED light, but I forgot that it was called Zing.

It was really called Zing. Was it called Zing? It was called Zing. It was called Zing. Yeah. And it was a red velvet cake flavored vodka. I mean, nobody needs that. I mean, even the red velvet flavored cake is a tough sell to some people. It's like the cilantro of cakes. You know, some people are like, ooh, red velvet cake. It tastes like soap. Yeah. It's like you were born with that gene. You were born with the shitty gene. that just makes things taste like soap. I don't know what to tell you. Cake is cake. Just eat the cake.

But anyway, the point is it was a failure. And she's still like going over and using that to get people to be her friend. I think Cynthia's the only person who said yes, though, in all these years. So I don't know. Who'd have thought of all the franchises that Andrew Maloof would pop up on again? It would be here on Atlanta. I thought it would be Miami for sure. I thought she would just like show up at one of like Alexia's events or something like that.

But no, she's here out of nowhere. So we see this scene where Cynthia, Fadra and Adrian are talking. And basically Cynthia and Adrian are talking about this tequila. They're doing an infomercial. And Cynthia is doing a, you know, she's like,

oh, maybe we should go on a trip. And all Fadra is doing this entire scene is just giggling on the side. She just repeats the last word that someone says and giggles. So they're like, ooh, I love this tequila. It reminds me of going on vacation.

Oh, vacation. She's just like a little, Muppet on the side, like a little Muppet. But this whole thing was like, it was like, it was all filmed kind of like in a previously on Dallas filter kind of vibe. But it went on a little bit too long. And I was like, what? I was like, I think we got a Bravo.

We get it. Like the opening credits were cute. But like, do we have to have our previously is also in this vibe? Like it went on a long time, a long time. It was pretty funny that they were trying to sell us on tequila. they were giving an infomercial like, well, you know, tequila, vodka is the number one alcohol in the world. I've done my research and, you know, tequila is number two. But, you know, we think that tequila will be number one.

So we're going to go with tequila. Okay? So we get a lesson on tequila versus vodka. And she's been invited to join the tequila commissario family. She's so ready to shoot my tequila shots. So ready. She goes, get it. Chats. And Cynthia says, the theme of my trip is to merge Dallas and Dynasty into one.

You guys remember the old hit soap opera from back of the day? I hope that we have some amazing time on the trip because we actually need to stop tripping. Have some fun. So she is just going to, I guess, like not's landing. Cynthia's lines are now just being written by the watch what happens live people. Yeah. Seriously. It's time to stop tripping and go on a trip, but we don't trip on the trip unless we fall.

Then somebody trips. Can we do that again? Can we tighten that up? And I will say that, so Diane Carroll was on Dynasty, and I will say this weekend, I got a lot of updates that it was like the 40th anniversary of Diane Carroll joining the show. Like, I'm telling you, I'm getting so many random factoids about TV right now. And the fact that they all actually seem to be connected to this episode of Atlanta is kind of wild. But yeah, there was some anniversary with Diane Carroll joining Dynasty this weekend. Wow.

Yeah, I'm up on everything, guys. Dominique Devereux. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappence commercial. So, Cynthia, they're talking about, how they're going to take this group trip to celebrate tequila taking over as number one in the world. And Pinky is saying this is going to celebrate their issues, or they're going to deal with their issues in Dallas. And Adrian's like, I want all the updates.

And so Fadre Gosses with her. She's like, now Pinky, she's a different bird now. Oh, yeah. You know, she's bankrupt. I mean, who cares? Do you have some money in your bank account? That's what I need to know. That's what I need to know.

I don't care about your veganism. Have you talked to Portia? And Cynthia's like, no, no. And so we see that Portia is Matt at Kelly about their whole thing. They're just updating us on all the fights, basically. And Cynthia is like, what is this? And Adrian's like, this is black cherry margarita flavored. And Vedra says, that sounds like my vagina.

And then they toast. By the way, I don't know if I want black cherry tequila, but it's good to see that After all these years, Adrian Maloof is still pushing the boundaries of what sort of flavors we can have in our spirits. We don't want that. We don't want, nobody wants black cherry flavored tequila. I've never heard of that. That's crazy. Okay?

Well, I guess she was saying margarita, but still. Yes. Yeah, maybe the tequila is just normal tequila. It's just a black cherry flavor in the, I don't want that in my margarita either. Let's just, let's just, Adrian Maloof, I think you need to simmer down with these flavor combinations. Just let the classics. do their thing. Yeah.

So Dallas trip day one. Everybody comes to the airport. And some are dressed very themey. And some aren't. They all look crazy. So I don't think anybody really Googled this. Yeah. And also, do they have to be on theme for the flight?

Because maybe some of them have the stuff for like the party, but not for the flight. because some are like, you know, Fadre is definitely in the Dallas look. She has like big hair, right? Like it's big sort of swooping 80s hair. But then like Shamiah's wearing a tennis outfit. So Fadra's like, think of Diane Carroll, Dominique Devereaux, Morgan Fairchild.

By the looks of it, either they've seen Dynasty or they just don't understand the assignment. By the way, I don't need Fadra to tell me to think of Morgan Fairchild. Thank you very much. I will do that on my own all the time. Really big Morgan Fairchild stand over there. How could you not be? So they asked to me if she's ever seen Dynasty.

And she's like, no. And they said, you don't know who Dominique Devereaux is? And she's like, well, I mean, I googled it once she sent that. So no, still no. So the producer's like, did Cynthia convey to you that she wanted you all to dress up as if you were on Dynasty, Angela? And she's like, oh. that makes sense why Porsche had on what she had on. I didn't understand

why she was dressed like that. I did not get the memo. And the memo actually is a text that says like a preparer Cynthia saying like the last night of the trip is Tequila Dynasty Gala. So think big, bold, colorful

and beautiful Dynasty Dallas and Falcon Crest. So Knott's Landing. Short shrift there. Nothing for Notts Landing. Put the knot in not's landing. But like, it's supposed to be for the last night of the trip. So why would you come dress like Falcon Crest on the airplane? That's really taking it to an extreme.

Yeah, the full on shoulder pads on the airplane. Portia really did commit to that. So now they're cheering to Kay Michelle's first girls trip. What are you thinking of Kay Michelle so far? I think it's been enough episodes to have a more solid. opinion. We're on episode five. How you feelin? I really like her a lot. I think she's really good. I was actually

a little sad that she kind of removed herself from the fray all because of a glam squad issue. Um, that's like shitty. I think, I think that's like a bit of a failure. I don't think you should actually really be allowed to do that on these shows. Um, I think the glam squads, first of all, glam squads are

the downfall. In fact, actually, our lovely friends at two judgy girls just, just uh, tweeted out the same thing. That, that that glam scots will be the downfall of housewives and i've always felt that way um so i don't like that she removed herself from a lot of the action but i do enjoy her overall like i think she has a magnetism that i think is really good what about you she needs to get in there what's she doing she's like on her own show and she needs to get in she needs to get in there i don't mean like

necessarily fight with everybody because that she's her she is trying to do that which seems maybe a little trying hard to find a fight. But I don't know. I think she's really funny, but she's more of a confessional. She's more of a confessional creature. You know, like she's funnier in the confessionals, but she doesn't really want to be around the cast, which I don't blame her.

But like if you're above it, then don't do it. You know, but if you're going to do it, show up. Go to your room because you don't have makeup. Although I did laugh when she was like, I'm sorry, but I can. I can't even color in the lines. I'm going to color my face. but yeah come on yeah but okay get in the mix yeah come on play if you're gonna be here play it's like going to game night

and then just sitting in the other room you know yeah she's obviously very insecure about her appearance right like she already was talking about her butt and she's like I already have this amazing butt but I felt like I needed needed to do more and now I have this issue and now she's like I can't I don't even want to go to dinner without my glam on and I understand like you know you know being you're on TV you're a person You're trying to sell yourself in a whole other industry in terms of country music. So you're like you care about how you look. But I also feel like ultimately like she's a beautiful woman. And like, like yes, I know she wants to have her glam.

But like you wound up on camera anyway. So get in there. Well, yeah. I mean, everyone's insecure about their looks. It's real housewives. I mean, it keeps the med spa industry in business. So that's natural. But you still have to go to work, you know.

So Pinky is saying this is her first time on a girl's trip ever, and she has a masculine energy for a woman. So she doesn't know how she's going to do on this. So then Kay Michelle is saying, I'm terrified to be traveling with women for the first time. Bunch of hormones, cattingness, a bunch of you did this in year 2006. But I'm here ready to be open-minded, get to know all these ladies. Aren't you still crying about stuff that happened to you in 2006 on a different show? Yeah. She's like, yeah, I'm really excited to get to know all these ladies assuming that I have the glam to do it.

Otherwise, you know, I'm not seeing any of them. So they get on the plane. Well, let me tell you one thing or two things that are going to be extremely safe on this trip with Kay Michelle are her nipples. They are not going. If somebody shoots directly into her nipples, the bullets are going to fly off. She's wearing like two little metal covers on. on her nipple. He's got like two satellite dishes that are just facing inwards.

Yeah. I love that. She's like trying to get any open sockets. She's trying to get a signal from her memories. So they get on this private jet. And of course, before they take off, Pinky is like, can I gather everyone around? Can I gather everyone around? And she starts like doing a prayer.

And everyone's like, okay, sure, this is great. And then the prayer just goes and goes and goes. And it's like one of those performative prayers where it's like, like at a certain point, are you really praying or are you just demonstrating that you are capable of prayer? Because they're all like, this is taking so long. And my favorite, my favorite, like, visual representation that this was taking forever was at one point, they just sort of like showed a worker going back inside from the tarmac, just going back into the airport. It was such a random cutaway shot. But like it said, I just said everything.

I love they're like, let's put the person and going back inside. They're so bored, they don't even want to look at the jet anymore from the tarmac. They just want to go inside and get a snack. Yeah, and there's always that prayer person that has to do all the prayers. And it is kind of performative. My dad is the prayer person. Oh, my God. Everything we do.

It's like, okay, everybody, let's hold hands and say the prayer. And it's like, oh, my God, your dad's so sweet. And then it just goes on and on. I'm like, well, why don't you just run for mayor? I mean, you just want to give a fucking speech. Just run for mayor. Okay. God is bored.

You know, he has a lot to do. He doesn't have 20 minutes to sit here and listen to your prayer speech. Okay. That's right. I say, the mac and cheese is getting cold. Speed it up. I told you that I know where this is going. Let's make it a little faster, okay?

We don't need to supersize this prayer. It's like, I dream the dream. It's like, oh, Jesus, what are you doing? Lay missed? Say the prayer. Yeah, let's just keep it. Keep it tight. Keep it tight.

Keep it moving. Okay, there's a lot of prayers to tend to. Okay. Rub-a-dub, dub. Thanks for the grub. Yay, God. The end. The end.

Yes. So she just goes on and on and on with this prayer. And then finally they get into the air. And then they have like a very, they have like a, they have several, they have like a long amount of time in the air that we see. Normally when they're on planes, we don't see. Oh, you know what? This is a stupid point to make.

I just was going to say normally we don't see this much on a plane, but I realized that we literally had an entire sequence on Real Housewives of Miami last year that was like all on a private plane. So I strike this point from the record is not a capacity. If it's a private plane, yeah, if it's a private plane, they can do it. So they're talking about, you know, their business stuff that they've got going on. Kelly asked about Angela's property. And Fager's asking her if she's selling her portfolio.

And she's like, no, girl, the portfolio has been dismantled and taken away from me. And Pinky is like, oh, my gosh, well, I'm trying to sell my portfolio because, you know, I've been thinking about filing for bankruptcy. But, you know, I have seven businesses. And they all have a different stream of income. So on paper, I'm broke. but I don't make any money personally, but I do have a lot of assets.

So I can't do a seven. I don't know if I can do a 13 or a 21 or a 14 or a 16. But for a 16, you have to have four vowels in your name. It's a lot. There's a lot of different. I was like, why are you telling on yourself right now?

It sounds like you're shifting money around or, it's probably all very legal, you know, what you do the way that you work with taxes. Like you pay yourself through one thing or pay your expenses through another thing, but you're going through a lot right now. I wouldn't be saying stuff like this.

on TV. There's just something so funny about watching two women talk about, like, there are different approaches to bankruptcy while they're flying on a private jet. So, um, very late. It's like, it's crazy. And the fact that there's a third who's about to enter into it as well. Like they're just like half of the half of this cast is literally bankrupt. It's a huge cast by the way.

There's eight cast members. That's a lot. So they're talking about bankruptcy, you know, on and on and on and on. And, oh, we have a little update from our no taker, by the way, about bankruptcy. Chapter 7, known as liquidation and trade bankruptcy, involves the sale of the debtor's non-exempt assets, if any, to pay off creditors. Chapter 11, this type allows businesses to restructure debts into future payments while continuing operations. In Chapter 13, individuals with regular income may seek wages earners bankruptcy, which allows them to repay some or all their debts over three to five years. There's also Chapter 27, which lets you go bankrupt and then go bankrupt.

go on to reality TV and make a career out of it. So that's very exciting. Well, chapter 32 is the most interesting one. And I don't think she'll be able to use this one because it says, vegan bankruptcies may not be filed and paid off with money made off of cheese steaks. It's going to be very slippery slope. So to me is like, oh, my God, everybody's talking about being bankrupt. God, I mean, I'm scared of shit because my only problem is making it to Chick-fil-A drive-thru.

before they discontinue breakfast. I mean, I can't relate. I am a rich. Yeah. Why do I not believe that Shemia is rushing to get the Chick-fil-A breakfast? Why do I just not believe that? So she's just being hilarious as well. I mean, what a...

Even the gays? People love that Chick-fil-A and they'll rush. I mean, even the gays. They're like, hey, chick-fil-a-hets gay people. And gay people are like, who doesn't? Give me some grilled chicken. I don't care. I'll take it.

At this point, it's just a drop in the bucket. That chicken is too good to pass it up. God, what are I supposed to eat it and not eat it? Just because they hate gays, feed me that chicken. Okay. So, yeah, Shamia's like, oh, God, should I really be going into business for this rum company? No, the answer is no, Shamiya. So then Angela is talking about how she went into bankruptcy to save her houses and all that stuff.

And when you do it, like, they come in. in. She's like, they come in and they like, these bankruptcy people, they come into your house. They want to sit down. They want to have dinner with you. I mean, not literally. And she, Angela, she clarifies that she's not in debt. She just lost $2 million. And there is a difference. She just took a big hit, but she's not actually in debt, which I think is their way of setting her up for success later on in the episode when she gets through her fight with Pinky. Yeah, I don't understand any of that because she says, She paid the $2 million, but she still filed bankruptcy to stop the foreclosure of one of her properties.

But I don't know. Shit, if you have $2 million, throw that in the bankruptcy, too. So I don't understand how any of that stuff works. Yeah, I don't know. So then elsewhere in the plane, K. Michelle is talking about her husband, and she's basically saying that he doesn't have social media. She's like, he really is a dentist. Like, I wish he had social media so I can catch him. I believe all men cheat.

And my husband doesn't have a social media or anything. And that's the sneakiest one of them all. So I've learned to take the positives of that and no one can contact it that I know of. So it's just like, I don't like that I can't track him. What'd you say? No one even spoke before social media. How'd you do that? I know.

People never cheated before social media. That's for sure. Well, this all stems from her saying, because they're saying, are you getting a, did you get a pre-up with your husband? Spanish. Oh, no, no, no, no. He doesn't want anything for me. Even when I try and help him in any way, he says, no, no, no. So he'll never try and take anything for me. Oh, God. One of the most horrible things is seeing a real housewife come on television and talk about how much they trust a man. Any man. Like, are you nuts? Have you never seen this show? Have you not been living in this world? What world do you live in where men are grown like you think they're grown? They're not. He will take it. They always do it. They always go for the money. If you think a dentist is not going for a musician's money, you've messed up. You messed up on that front.

You're fucked up, Joe. You fucked up, Joe. So, yeah, she's got an odd lookout of that. And she says that she's like, well, no one can contact him that I know of. You know, thank God there's not phones or emails or, you know, any of that stuff. So now they land in Dallas and Kelly is talking about her court cases and she can't even have her girls on camera with her. And she needs a break. So she's going to party in Dallas.

That's too bad because it was so fascinating watching her with her girls on TV. Yeah, that episode where she gave her 16 purses for her birthday, like $16,000. It was just the most compelling content. Oh, what people on the podcast couldn't, if you're just only listening, what you couldn't see was me slow blinking, sarcasticly. in a deadpan way on camera. We heard it. I felt it. You felt it.

You felt my slow blinks. Yeah. Flink. So now they're on the Sprinter bus and they're talking about Drew's dating life. And she went on a date and she's like, well, he did give me 200 long stem roses. Which is a lie. We literally see a flashback and it's not 200 roses. It's like 50 roses.

at best. But of course, Drew's going to be like, it's 200 long-stem roses. And yes, I am the long-stem rose police, and I will be monitoring your claims of how many roses you've received. Well, that was even considered long-stem. Oh, wow. Serious. Short for long stems. Jeez.

So she's like, guys, come on. We're just friends. I'll let you know when the wedding is, if there's a wedding. Porsche was like, well, I think he likes you because he sat on the phone with you at that party for three and a half hours. I mean, what the hell? She goes, well, yeah, I mean, let me tell you guys something. You know, he had a time. And like, by the way, Kay, you guys are friends, right?

Because he had a time with you. And Kay, Michelle, I was like, I don't know. I don't know him. I don't know him. And Bruce goes, you don't know him? It's like, I don't know. I don't know him. And we see a flashback where, you know,

you know, we see that Kay was saying that, like, Black was up in her DMs a lot. Like, and we see like DMs from him that are like, hey, let's hang out, et cetera. And so she's like, like, no, no, no. She's basically saying like, Portia, don't drag me into this right now. Like, I know you're going to what you're trying to do, but don't do it. Yeah, and his tweet or his messages are like, you're welcome, baby. I loved every minute of watching you shine. Lock me in.

And he gives her phone, his phone number. She's like, well, I never called the phone number. I don't know that man. So now everybody's kind of awkward. And she says, Bimbo, I don't know Black. I know of Black. So Drew thinks this is fishy because she's like, it forces how she seemed to know him.

But she didn't seem to overly know him because we see a clip of it. And she's like, hello, Black. Well, hello. Good to see you. Hello. But it was that very, like, nice church lady. Hello. Yeah.

Good to see you again. Yeah, she was like, did not necessarily speak of someone who knows someone very well. It just is like someone being polite on their first day of shooting with the group. So Drew is like, I mean, that to me says that you know him

and he's at a lot of events. He is well known. She's well known. It's not uncommon for people in this industry to cross paths, the entertainment industry, of course, of which I'm part of. So, anyway, she's like, well, okay, fine.

Well, he liked you and he liked you and he liked you. He liked everyone, guys. Everyone, black liked everyone. Black approved. Okay, we are all black approved here. Commercials. Here comes one right now. So now we stop at a gas station and K. Michelle goes to pee.

And K. Michelle's like, well, you know, I don't even want to be near a gas station toilet. Okay. I've never experienced that before. And Shimea's like doing a squat. Shemia's having a wacky moment. She's squatting. And she tells us that her parents had a fleet of trucks and they had a trucking company. She's like, we're truckers.

And rest stops are not clean. And you have to put a cup in there. And that way it catches all the urine. And then you can just kind of pour that in the toilet, you know. That way you don't touch it. Really truckers, peeing cups instead of the pot. What kind of trucker family are you from? I've never heard of a snotty trucker, not being willing to pee and.

in a in a toilet. What part of peeing in the cups then pouring that in the toilet like sounds cleaner. I mean, you're the ones creating the mess. You're like, oh, these rest stops are so dirty. There's urine on the seats. Yeah, probably from people trying to pee in cups and then splashing as they pour it into the toilet.

Geez, I'm not saying it to sit on the seat, but like, let's not be too precious about this. Oh, I used to be like that. I was like, I will never poop at home. You know, I would only poop at home. And that was like a big problem with me. What was that movie? Someone only pooped at home and then they pooped themselves.

That was me as a kid, American Pie, I think. That was me. I would not go poop anywhere but home. And I remember I was on a road trip with my me mom and Papa on their motor home. And they were taking me across the country. And I would not go poop in the public places. And my me ma'am finally told me, your ass is no better than anyone else's ass. Get in there and sit.

Damn. You think other people want to sell on your ass? No. Okay. Yep. You think your shit don't stink. Yeah. That's great life advice.

Great, great life advice. So, but this was just a way for Shemian to be wacky and tell us about being in a cup. So then they're driving for so long. because they stop at the gas station at 3 o'clock, and it's like 6.30.

Fager's like, she's like, honey, we could be in Dubai by now. We've done everything except bike and paddled to this place at this point. And I've been to Dubai. Do you remember season one? So what part of Texas are we going to exactly? What the hell?

Did they ever say what part of Texas they were in? No, and I sort of casually tried to look up the place, and I couldn't find it, but they were like, I thought they were going to be staying in Dallas, but you can't tell me you're three and a half hours away and you're still considered part of the Dallas Interland Dallas is no joke Dallas is crazy it's like LA with tons of little cities all over the place it's really spread out so they go to this yes that's three and a half hours I haven't heard of that but so la Costa de fe it's called and it's this big big big mansion this is huge this

place. Texas size. And there's, it's huge. And there's a lady, Bradina, who is standing, waiting for them.

Fun fact, Regina has been dead for 200 years. I don't know if you guys know that. She's not a live person, right? Like,

she's a ghost. We all agree. She's like, that's the big twist. It's that, like, it turns out she's just like, she's just like an empty,

like, body and like, there's something in the basement that is like powering her. There's no, there's just, no way that this is a live human being. The way she stands there on that porch is like every horror movie like

hello, welcome to the place. And then she actually winds up being like rather bubbly but when she's just standing there watching them come in I was like, this is a dead woman. This is a corpse that's been reanimated by some curse and it's very dangerous. The door just opens itself as far as they can see.

She's like, come into my home. I thought that was kind of weird when she was like, ladies, welcome to my home. Your home's dirty. That's disgusting. We hate it. So we see the main house is 9600 square feet, six bedrooms, five bathrooms, two kitchens, a theater, light-filled, charkouterie, groups of flavored friends, or groups of favored friends, welcome, argument ready.

Yeah, more, more winking at the audience. Drew is saying they all love it. It's so big. It's huge. This is a very long walkthrough of the house. Like I said, they're stretching their material this week. And so we're going through every single room. And every single room gets a breakdown. 1,253 square feet.

That's the tiny house. Because there's a main house. There's a tiny house. There's a pool house. They go through each one. And Portia's saying how the main... She's like, the main house is giving main character energy. And it's in the tiny house.

It's like not that upby. I mean, I think it's also, you know, it's also lit. She thinks it's lit because she knows she's not going to be put in it. But if she were put in the tiny house, I don't think Porsche would be very happy at all. Well, I mean, for a room, it's 1,253 square feet. It's not so bad, I didn't think. It looks really nice to me. So, but of course, I'm not real housewives level.

I get it. So Cynthia says that there's two women who love each other and just can't seem to tear themselves away from each other. and the tiny house is going to be for those ladies. We don't know who it is yet. And Kelly, it's like, is that freaking frack? So they keep turning the house and cards keep coming up. It's like, this house has three TVs, or this room has three TVs in it.

So Kay Michelle's like, well, I can't even think about that pool house compared to the main house, okay? It's too small. If they try to put me there, I'm going to the nearest hotel. You are new. You're lucky you're not sleeping in a tent outside.

Okay. And they're like walking into like the bedroom in the pool house and they're like, wow, it's just, it's got very Italy, Tuscany vibes. I was like there's nothing about this that looks like Italy or Tuscany in this room. But, you know, go off. It's fine. And, um, it's very Texas McMansion. It's Texas McMansion. That's how they, that's kind of how they all look. And it looked fine. The pool house looked fine to me as far as I could tell. It wasn't as nice as the main house, but it was, it was good enough. But no one wants to be there.

No, everyone from the pool house. And they're like, gross, disgusting, burn it down. Yeah, Kelly's like, I'm going through a lot in life right now. And I do not want to have to, like, experience that here, okay? Like, geez, give me 2,000 thread count. Don't give me this. And so now they go back to the main house. And Cynthia's like, yeah, you know, I don't want to deal with picking room drama on this trip. So I know which rooms each lady will thrive in.

So now they all gather around for the official assigning. of the rooms. So Cynthia's like, I've decided to put Pinky. I feel like your energy gives me solitude because you're the only vegan here. And I feel like you are a grown ass woman. So Pinky's like, what? Why are you looking at me like that? She's like, so I thought, tiny house, tiny house for Pinky. Tiny house, tiny food options, vegan. That's for you. And it's still really nice. And so Pinky's like, okay, well, that's fine with me. I'm like, what is this considered gen Pop? I'll take it. Like, geez, I can walk away from you crazy people fighting, okay? Fine. And by the way, I'll see you for breakfast. Make me some vegan eggs while you're at it.

Guys, Pinky's a vegan. Don't forget. And if you do, she'll remind you again in about two minutes. It's her business. Okay. It's her brand. I'm a vegan. Can I stay in the vegan pool house? Okay, so for the poolhouse, I thought long and hard about what two ladies love each other's company. And then it's like, ooh, is it, Fadra and Portia? And we see footage of them being fun and fricking and fricking and fracking. Like, oh, God. And then we see Kelly and Shemia and they're having fun too.

Oh my God, all these duos that it could possibly be who will wide up at the pool house? Who will Cynthia choose? So Cynthia goes, well, you know, literally. It's just, you know, there's just like, I don't know, the first two ladies that came to my mind when I saw that amazing pool house. And Angel's like, no, not amazing. She's like, the two-bedroom situation, recreation area, I thought. I'm like, why are we choosing this out? Just give the room, Cynthia, please.

Why is this an Oscar speech? Yeah, just cut too. I did like that they were putting on the screen when they were putting duos up. They're like, frickin' and frack and so and so. And then we go to Drew and Angela and it says, Drusilla and Bigfoot. I missed that one. That's funny. So they give it to Kelly and Chimilla, and Kelly kind of laughs.

And everybody else is like, oh, my God, thank God we're not staying in that 3,000 square foot hellhole. I know. But with its own pool, ugh, that's terrible. And since he goes, Shemia's like, well, that's definitely got the worst end of the deal. Well, so much for someone bragging about being a trucker and, like, living the trucking lifestyle. And then suddenly, like, I can't say in the pool house. Um, so she's got too many mixed messages, you know, it's yeah, because she was saying she was a trucker, but she was a snotty trucker. So she's like, now being a trucker does not mean I was one of the people.

I would not sit on a toilet seat. And I will not sleep in a pool house. Yeah. But she's like trying to have like cred of the people, but then she's like, no, I can't, I cannot sleep in a perfectly fine room in a king size bed, uh, in this perfectly nice air conditioned. house. So, Cynthia's like, but you guys literally have the pool. And Kelly's like,

yeah, Cynthia, you know, you did everything big, but that bedroom, I mean, I'm pine size. I get it.

But God damn it. I don't want a pint size room. Okay. Well, and so, nothing, nothing. I'm just like,

it's just like her, her finding a way to wedge in, but I'm pine size. It's like, okay, okay. And Shemia says, you know,

when you get that Christmas, gift that you don't want and your mom says you have to be grateful, you gotta show that you're grateful. I was like, when does that start? So Cynthia's like, okay, the rest of you, you get to pick. But the only people who don't get to pick are the people I'm fucking over. The rest of you go pick. Yeah. So we everyone goes running around. They choose rooms. Kelly and Shamia run into the poolhouse to fight over the rooms. And then Kelly is, she's upset with the bed that she winds up with. And then she also notes that there seems to be a stain on the duvet. And she's like, I know this can't be the luxurious life.

What did you say? I was expecting like some big, nasty spermatozoa something or other. But it looked like a little penmark or something. Yeah. It looked like unremarkable. Yeah. I didn't really get it. And listen, I am, I'm not just being a hater.

I was ready to be like, oh, my God, this room is disgusting. How dare you treat them like? this, but I was like, this isn't what's so bad about this? I didn't really get it. I guess I've just slept in so much worse that, I mean, we went to a hotel one time. The only time we've left a hotel. The only time was when there were literal blood, there was blood on the sheets and on the towels, you and I, and there was lipstick all over a towel and pubic hair in a sink. It's like they went as they went as far as they could to make this room disgusting for us. And that was the only time we were ever like okay.

I sat on the bed for all of five seconds and I was like, I'm gonna get bed bugs. I was like rounding me out and it smelled like mold. It was, listen, it was awful. Yeah, that was bad. It stayed with us all these years. So like I get it.

If you see something on your bed, it's like, it's definitely unpleasant. And also I will say like Kelly's room was not, it wasn't like luxurious. Like, you know, some of the other women had rooms with beautiful views. Yeah, for sure, her room was lesser. It was a lesser than room. I guess I'll just say, it was a perfectly fine. Yeah, I guess I'll just say on these shows we're used to, it's kind of a trope, right, where they go on these trips, someone has to get stuck with the shitty room. It happens

on every housewife show. This is nothing new. They're not being like worse than anybody else at this point. They're just like, oh, that sucks. We get the, we get the shittiest room. So I don't think at this point they're going too far, but they do go too far. Yeah. During the episode where it's like, I'll tell you who I think has the worst room. I think Kay Michelle has the worst room because she was so happy. She got this room. It was a corner room and there's like windows,

like windows here. There's like two walls of windows. And I was like, enjoy waking up in a sauna because that's a lot of windows. That sun's going to come in. It's going to be hot. It's going to be sunny and you're going to be miserable. I'm telling you that right now.

I think Kay Michelle has the worst room. Well, I guess we'll find out in the morning when that sun comes in, won't we? So, yeah, they're pretty upset about the room. And then Angela is, they make a joke about the rooms that she's in. And then we see, I don't know, we see Angela joking about Fadra being, not being in the same rooms that she's in at the reunion. She's like, you're not at the same rooms I'm in.

They're like, oh, ha, ha, wasn't that fun. Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one, of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says, Part two. Mm-hmm. See you over there, suckers. Watch what crapins would like to thank its premium sponsors.

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