Watch What Crappens - #336: Traumatizing (O’)Tools

Episode Date: October 11, 2016

The Real Housewives of Orange County embarrassed America in Ireland this week, and Tamra got traumatized, betch! Over on Real Housewives of New Jersey, Siggy went door to door explaining why she’s not going where to people who don’t care. Enjoy! We have partnered with TuneIn to deliver more bonus content! Download the app! For our own premium feed, bonus episodes and extras, visit http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Timestamps: 0: Crappens Superfight: Rey VS Janet 13:20 RHOC 1:11:55 RHONJ See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsor, the gorgeous Christy Doherty, and our super premium sugar mama sponsor, Miss Madonna Hines. Madge with a sexy J. We love you girls. Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens Podcast, a podcast about all that crap we'd

love to talk about on the old broths. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV and the Rose Pricks Finding Prince Charming Podcast, Podcasts! A podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on the old broths! I'm Ronnie Caron from Trash Talk TV and the Rose Pricks Finding Prince Charming Podcast, and I'm here with the gorgeous Ben Mandelka of the B-Side blog and the banter blender. How are you, chicken? Oh, chicken! I'm great, thank you. How are you? Good. It's our first week without Real Housewives of Melbourne, and I'm so terrified to go on, okay? I know. It's going to be hard. It's going to be tough, but we can do it.

We'll still probably talk in Australian accents for several weeks. I don't want to live in a world without Real Housewives of Melbourne on my TV. I know, I know. But don't worry, we have Vanderpump Rules coming back soon enough to fill that void. Yeah. Not that it really does. But, you know. No. Yeah. It doesn't at all.

But, you know, they fill a lot of things. Their faces. Random vaginas from mixology. Lots of things coming up. So anyway, everybody. Just to get the opening stuff out of the way. If you want all the links I'm about to tell you about or the archives of the Melbourne ladies, whatevs, go over to watchwhatcrappens.com. If you want to talk to other listeners during the live show threads and you want to leave comments about these episodes that we're recording right now, you can go over to facebook.com slash watchwhatcrappens.

We have a premium subscription over at Patreon. So if you want our bonus episodes, we do a bonus episode every week. And just talk about whatever the hell we feel like talking about that day. Sometimes they're very deep. And sometimes they're, you know, not. Okay, guys? Sometimes they're about ice cream. Yeah.

Oh, I can't believe I didn't talk about the ice cream parlor I went to last. Oh, my God. I was on the bonus episode. Oh, I can't believe I didn't talk about the ice cream parlor I went to last. Oh, my God. I'm talking about the bonus episode. Oh, my God. I said we want to talk about the alt-right. It's not nearly as fun as ice cream. Yeah, I'm going to have to get you a little notebook, write down things so you can remember them during the next week. Little sticky notes, if you will. I even wrote that down. I even wrote it down because – anyway, continue on. I'll explain after. Oh, it's okay. Well, this week we talked about Siggy for Trump, little Finding Prince charming celebrity sighting, what it's like to talk to celebs, and if Christopher Columbus came out of the closet on Coming Out Day, which is right after Columbus Day.

AKA today. Yeah. You know, go listen. So to get those, just go to patreon.com slash watch what crap happens. And thank you so much to everybody who does that. You've made our dreams come true. Yeah, absolutely. And don't forget to subscribe to our podcast.

If you go on iTunes and you subscribe, it'll help boost the podcast on the charts there. Yeah. So today we're talking about Real Housewives of Orange County. And we're also going to be talking about Real Housewives of New Jersey. Yes. But what's our opening segment going to be today, Bean? I think it's Tuesday. So I think we're going to go check in on our crapping super fight.

Am I correct? You tell me, Daddy. We're going to super fight it up. Super fight it up. Let's fight. Let's fight. Let's fight. up super fight it up this is really one of our stupidest segments of all time but why not why not so our little crap and

super fight which is based off of the game the party game super fight it is it is defending champion, which is Janet from Melbourne. 50 Janets who have the ability to turn into any sort of vehicle they want. Versus Ray from New York. A Ray who is made of guacamole and has a sausage lasso. And, you know, some of your Photoshop's that you do, I just laugh at. But then I look at them more

closely and they become so much more hilarious like this one is janet has has like a million different kind of transformer things and then to the side i noticed the sausage coming out of ray in the in the picture i'd know it's a sausage lasso i didn't notice that it was a lasso until now and also he's actually wearing a guacamole suit so i was like okay how do i make ray out of guacamole and i'm like i don't know photoshop well enough where i could do that thing where i could like make his skin like i tried to make his skin look green but it just looked like this lime green and i didn't know what to do so eventually i just found like a guacamole picture and I used the clone tool. And I made him sitting in a chair staring at the camera with disdain in a suit of guacamole.

So funny. Which is, of course, as we know, not accurate to what he really is. It's that he is guacamole, not that he's wearing guacamole it's so funny so we did uh last week we did our own what ifs of the super fight and uh we turn it over to the readers in i mean the listeners over in the patreon uh super fight mailbag thing so just go over to patreon if you want to play we'll announce the new one uh based on who wins this one do you remember who we had winning last week but when we were just talking about it i don't i think that probably i think we said it might be a draw i don't know yeah so it's a tie so far yeah so um so lauren cap says guacamole ray would be

yelling you're trash you bitch and drunkenly swinging his sausage lasso in a circle, which I could totally imagine. Janet would see the sausage and say, isn't that wonderful? Are they chicken? But alas, the drunk blob of guac would be no match for the 50 Janets buzzing around because even if he lassoed one, she could either transform or the other 49 would attack him. Yes, with smiles and then beatdowns in one sentence. Yes, exactly. He'd be like, those sweet little helicopters are just coming over to say hi to me, bitch. Helicopter who, bitch?

So that's one for Janet. Benjamin Cohen says, I think that if Janetet can drag out the fight ray will turn brown and spoil ray wouldn't stand a chance if one of the janets is an oil tanker and sprays him down or if the janets become those snow removal trucks that shoot boiling water out to melt snow ray's lasso is useless especially if he is drunk i do i do like the idea that ray has a very useless weapon he just flops it around um ashley bryant says i think ray would lure janet over with his chicken sausages once within range he flattens into a blob of guacamole shoots a spider-man like sausage web lasso over jan's 50 Transformer vehicles,

and they slowly sink, a slow, quicksand-like death, screaming, Chicken! as they go under. Once absorbed, Ray returns to his more human-like state and takes his suit to John to be dry-cleaned. For free. That's a very convincing case. I like that one. And it would be typical of Janet to finally get her independence and not need a man and walk back up the streets of London in her glitter dress stumbling in her stiletto shoes only to be brought down by sausage

yeah I like I also like the idea of 50 Janet robot like Transformers melting into guacamole like the judge in Roger Rabbit oh the dip the dip Katie says Janet terrified that meat is flying at her face goes full-on optimus prime and destroys ray before he can utter abiza upon his destruction she says powerfully in full robot voice the only meat i need in my life is high-pitched robotic tone the end janet for the win so that puts janet at the win i mean way ahead poor ray only got one one vote yeah i would to be fair i think ashley's um i think ashley's vote for ray was was very very strong. But it looks like Janet wins for a second week in a row. Congratulations, Janet.

Congratulations. You're our first person to ever win. Oh, no, that's not true. Yeah, the first person to ever win twice, right? Yeah. All right. So the next opponent is Kim Zolciak. Okay.

And Kim Zolciak, made of sand. This is like all these different creatures are attacking Janet. And she's armed with a catapult and unlimited livestock. Wait, she's made of sand? It's a sandy Kim Zolciak who can throw animals. Oh, my gosh okay i think if kim zolciak was to fight the multiple janets she wouldn't be able to even concentrate because i got sand in my butt crack i just can't get rid of that sand in my butt crack how would she even concentrate i think this is an easy kim zolciak one i think that kim

zolciak as sand would just get all up into Janet's gears and pistons and everything. And then she'd start throwing chickens at Janet. And Janet... I just think this is... I think Janet has met her match here. I think it's over. I think it's curtains. Well, we're going to have to see. So if you want to go into the crapping super fight, tell us who you win and why.

Or who you would want to win and why make a scenario go over to patreon.com slash watch what crappin i do i do love the idea of kim zolciak sort of being like the mummy and just being able to just terrorize by turning into sand it's very it's very evocative it's terrifying could you actually imagine her just spewing everywhere in a big storm? I can imagine Kim Zolciak spewing, yes. She's a disgusting woman. Shut up. You're stupid. Shut up. You're stupid. Stupid.

So shall we start with a little Real Housewives of Orange County, Ben? Please. Please, let's start. And, you know, speaking of minerals and speaking of Orange County, last week, Heather Dubrow brought a pink Himalayan sea salt slab to Shannon Bedore, I believe. And last night, as it happens, I actually met a salt expert. And, you know, he told me what basically you said, all the benefits of actually met a salt expert and um he you know he taught he told me what basically you said all the all the benefits of cooking with a salt block but then i asked him about pink himalayan sea salt i was like you know you see it everywhere what is the deal with it and

he says it's been embraced by um by natural food people like caroline fleming because it's it's unrefined but basically it's just salt. Yeah, I thought so. Come on, you're not going to tell me that one salt is better than another salt. I'm just not going to buy it, okay? I like salt. I get that there's a difference. I really had a problem on the Food Network when the food scientist guy, that nerdy dude, Alton Brown, said that there's no difference between sea salt and idolized salt. Because that's some bullshit.

Sea salt is unrefined. It's less refined. I mean, we all know that. Duh. dirt yeah but otherwise i mean you can refine it differently but what's the difference guys really well apparently there is apparently there are differences in certain in craft salts because i this i have received this cookbook now called craft the craft salt cookbook lol and it's apparently it's this whole thing. There are differences. But I do think, though, between Pink Himalayan Sea Salt and, like, kosher salts,

there's no difference. Yeah, they have flavored salt. Do you remember we had, like, a flavored salt person? Remember they sent us bacon salt or something for the podcast? Yeah, you know, I never got that salt. I think you got the salt. I get all the things. I'm like, you want my address?

Here it is. I'll take whatever you got. This is true. Well, didn't we also just, didn't we just get something? Oh, oh, oh, we're getting stuff. Oh, I'll tell you. We're going to get something. I forgot to tell you.

We're getting something cool. It's alcoholic. Oh, really? Yes. Oh, alcoholic? Are they allowed to do that? Well, I think they're, well, they're not advertising. They're just sending it to us.

Oh, I'm down. It's from an official company too. Oh. It's an official gift that we're getting. I can't wait to get it. Wait. I know we've been putting off OC, but I have to give another shout out because I can't even believe this happened. This is now the second time in a row.

can't even believe this happened this is now the second time in a row uh on the other day i think it was on saturday or whatever i was walking up the street a car pulled over window went down and someone said are you ben mandelker and i said yes what the hell ben is a guy named jose who is a avid listener of watch for Crappens and he has been an avid fan of ours since TVgasm. So we have to give a big shout out to Jose. Between Jose and Rourke the previous week, I've never felt so cool.

These people stopping and recognizing us. Oh, and Tara Helena. Hey, bitch. Okay, that was mine. So let's get on to the Real Housewives of the OC, Ben. Let's do it. I think that every segment should begin with that ending Krappen's Super Fight music. Shut up.

You're stupid. So I had the pleasure of being visited by my little sister during this episode she had to watch jersey and orange candy with me it was last night it was last night of a trip we were both hungover and exhausted and you should have seen her face i don't know that she's ever sat through an entire episode of a housewife show before and to watch these two episodes that we're covering today and just see her face she just kept looking at me really slowly like it's just dawning on her that she should be worried yeah i feel like it could not have been a better episode to like bring your sister into the fold than this irish trip to produce yeah welcome honey uh so let's get on with her

had she opened up girl well it opened up with uh everyone packing for ireland as we all remember the women are going to ireland under the guise of uh megan king edmunds wanting to learn more about her family history which is so stupid it's stupid you're stupid um so i love that like when kelly is packing michael her obnoxious husband is like yeah you know the irish people are gonna love you they're gonna love you i'm like why is it because she's like a big drunk idiot is that why they're just gonna laugh at her face but he said that condescending thing that people like ignorant people say he's like irish people now those are the salt of the earth yeah so okay it's so condescending are they the bacon salt of the earth are they the pink

camillan sea salt of the earth what sort of craft salt are they i can pull out the list i have it right here um i have my craft salt book right here um i always give heather shit i mean she just makes me crazy i think she's a phony baloney a-hole who brags about money too much do not like which you guys already know so i don't need to go on but i do feel for her at certain times during the show like this it was showing everybody getting ready with their friends and family and husband or what their husband i guess but her little thing was with her fake ass assistant who you know her friend ploy that she pays for it that walks exactly like her

holds her purse exactly like her and because you know her husband's gone and her kids are you know with the nanny at a park somewhere so she had to pack with that assistant and she's like look at my purse and my boots wow aren't these great she's like those are great i was like this is really sad and she actually said her assistant said you're amazing poor heather hey listen don't come down on heather you know how hard it is to be the one woman of jewish descent who is not funny or sarcastic, that's not easy. Every card from Heather after you go to her party is like, thank you so much for the gift at my party. Sorry, I'm not Shecky Green.

Love, Heather. I'm sorry to be the one not funny Jew. Yeah. But we'll get into that. Even Helen Keller was hilarious. Usually, people of deaf and blind descent, usually they are very chatty in different ways. Oh, Kelly nailed it this episode. She nailed her awful personality.

Kelly was on fire. And I had to give her a standing o it this episode. She nailed her awful personality. Kelly was, she was on fire. And I had to give her a standing ovation this episode. She just was this, just the perfect sort of disaster that this show needs. Like, bravo. Bravo. No pun intended. And they all want to get rid of Kelly. They all hate her.

And you can see them all. And look, I don't blame them. And you can see them all basically teaming up. You know, it's like when. Oh, God, I was going to make a historical reference, but I'm too stupid. So I'll just say it's like when you hate one of your friends, but then you both decide that you hate the other friend more. You know, friend of my enemy, et cetera. Yeah, I mean, my enemy is my friend.

Yeah. So that's what's going on right now. And it's super fun to watch. Oh, yeah. We got some private. We got a private email from one of our good friends. So I can't say who it is because it's super fun to watch oh yeah we got some private we got a private uh email from one of our good friends who i can't say who it is because this is like private but she heard like straight out of the horse's mouth and the horse is tamra that um it looks

like megan's going to be the only one gone this year or next year and so i guess kelly has earned her place in the anals of the real housewives of orange oh yeah i mean megan's not doing anything literally her her opening scene is that she called up jim to announce that she's packing pants with elastic waistbands she's like yeah so i packed like three pairs of pants elastic and then he's like great great honey great how perfect is it that stupid megan is going to meet the original O'Tools. Like, that's her bloodline. The tools. Oh, Megan. They couldn't have written that better. You know, someone was just like, you tools.

She's like, I'm an O'Tool. Stupid Megan. I feel like she had so much promise in this second season, and instead she is just so beyond lame so so beyond lame well it's like we always say you don't want to see veronica mars not solving something solve a mystery okay yeah seriously seriously meanwhile uh over at vicky's house she's packing and brianna's there and vicky's new boyfriend left his shoes in the in the bedroom and you know which of course vicky has on camera on purpose yeah everyone can know vicky's getting laid vicky's so transparent

yeah it was stupid and then over at over in tamra's uh place she was on the phone or something she was sitting on her bed and i was distracted because she had this big pillow that said love you to the moon and back and i was just thinking to myself why does she have a big pillow that says love you to the moon back like there's nothing stupid about that phrase it's a nice thing to say but why does she have a big pillow that says that i mean like she's not like eight years old well she was just born again yeah so maybe she is kind of eight year old she's become a baby again it's like i was reborn i'm breastfeeding batch i traded in all my diva martini glasses and got a bunch of love you to the moon and back pillows instead oh my god i just threw up some i just threw up some formula on the front of my blast. Sorry, batch. I'm Tamara Button.

Curious case of Tamara Button, batch. To 60 and back again, batch. I'm the hottest housewife here because I keep getting younger, literally. 13 now. I'm younger on the moon. So, Tamara, um... Ordered on Eddie. That's all a protein batch

Yes But Tamra is like no drinking batch Like just no drinking I guess Tamra got She figured out what cafe press is Because now she's wearing all these black baseball caps With different hashtags And this one says hashtag fit mom

I think someone said that Megan May have had like a side business baseball caps with different hashtags. And this one says hashtag fit mom. I think someone said that Megan may have had like a side business making those stupid baseball caps. So maybe that's where they came from. It's like a fit mom cap that smells like a niece candles. Hashtag protein farts. The more sober I am, I realize

that these girls are fucking crazy but Tamara trying to be the Greek chorus. I'm just here watching and making comments, not starting everything. I like that she says that the more sober she is, the more she realizes how crazy these bitches are, because the more drunk she is, the more crazy we realize she is. As my sister was staring she's already staring at me by the way we're like two minutes into the show she's looking at me like seriously because tamra just farted on is your sister there right now no i just meant like as we were watching i'm doing it like real time like from my memory i'm like here we are half drunk watching this

show but she was looking at me because tamra just farted on tamra had just farted on eddie and she's like really and i said don't worry at some point she'll talk about how classy she is and not even be kidding which i was so happy when that actually happened because i looked magical you know uh tamra farting on eddie may have actually been the classiest moment she's ever had well it's definitely the most warmth she's ever shown him. And certainly the most interesting conversation. Ah! So, airport hellos.

Yeah, everyone shows up at LAX. Megan's like, hey, everybody. I had nausea today. I know. I was like, ugh. I rolled my eyes. You know what it reminded me of? It reminded me of on Saturday when I took my flight back from Austin to L.A.

It was actually had to go through Vegas. It was an Austin to Vegas flight. And there were like for some reason there were just like 60 young mothers on this plane, like without their kids. And they were just all swapping stories stories like stories that may have been fascinating to them but not to me there was one who's like yeah my youngest well he's been eating pancakes lately i mean well not really eating pancakes more like wearing them and the other one's like oh i know i'm like yeah bravo great great great observation wow your kid gets food everywhere congratulations so does this is like so this is what megan king edmunds her being like i had some nausea this morning i'm like she's gonna be the mom who's going to be talking about how her kid is wearing her his pancakes as if this is a bombshell

revelation to motherhood and childhood i was changing my kid's diaper today i mean getting hosed down by a pee hose oh my god like every time i ha ha ha ha ha. Oh my god, like, every time I want to go to sleep, it's like, uh oh, there's the baby crying again, am I right? Anyone else up at 3am this morning?

Ugh. It's just so, like, it just drives me nuts. Um, okay, well, to calm you down,

Tamara arrives. Hi, Batches. So, this is where I'm just being stupid I'm running look everybody's arriving who cares so Vicky they're all there except Shannon and Vicky's like okay everyone's here let's go whoops sorry Shannon's not here whoops sorry it was a total accident that's not funny

and Shannon is going to try her best well to be fair she's not Jewish so she can't be held to that standard. True. True. She's no Seinfeld. I'm sorry, I meant of Jewish descent, which is somehow better to say it that way.

She's no Tevye, that's for sure. She's no Jackie Mason. You know that much. So Shannon is determined to be, you know, Jewish on this trip, i.e. Hilarious. She's like showing up with her funny pants on.

She's like, wow. Wow. Here we go to Ireland. I'm sure my name is Shannon. Doesn't get more Irish than that. We're flying into the Shannon airport. Which that had me immediately thinking,

what is the Shannon airport? Like, it's like, flyers. We're having 30 to 40 negative visitors per minute. Everyone gets tuberculosis because there's like tuberculosis hospital grade air coming through. Now departing from Gate 41, a tombstone. Because here lies Shambador, killed by our husband's infidelity. Goodbye, tombstone. because here lies Shambador, killed by our husband's infidelity. Goodbye, tombstone.

Have a safe flight. At this airport, we don't call them runways because David will be tempted to run away. So just get your airport on the cement parking lot outside. Thank you for listening. I'm Shannon O'Shannon. O'Connessy O'Shannon. Attention, Shannon Airport visitors. There will be no more Wi-Fi because David is incapable of going on Gmail without finding a new mistress.

So I'm sorry to say there will be no Internet, but we do have books. So if you'd like to read something for once, please go visit our website. Welcome to the Shannon Airport. Please enjoy your trip and make sure that you do not speak to that blonde woman ever again, David. David, ding, ding. David. The red zone is The red zone is prohibited

just for The red zone is for loading and unloading only. David. David, while you're in the red zone. David. David, please do not unload into blondes passing you by on the beach thank you ding ding as a reminder you are not allowed to bring any bottles of water or liquid over five ounces or mistresses david david no mistresses through

security david welcome to the shannon airport Please do not try and check luggage that is overweight, which I'm going to be if I have one or more of those salads instead of the ribs, which are probably lower calorie. Ding, ding. Ding, ding. David never used to go to TGI Fridays in Terminal B. Ding, ding. David?

David, why is there so much sugar at Terminal C? David? David? David, why is there so much sugar at the terminal C? David? David? Every time you walk into the pub, the airport pub, instead of going bling bling like the motion detectors it's like, David, how could you? David, how could you? David, how could you?

And then Shannon's there with the thing that tests how big your bags are. David, David, it doesn't fit. No, it doesn't fit. I'm sorry, you can't. David, please tell your mother that it doesn't fit. David, well, no, it doesn't fit. You all know the truth.

It doesn't fit. Please welcome to Shannon Airlines. Please note that there's an exit in the front. There's an exit in the back. And if you get something phantom stuffed up your butt, a little thumb, a little David thumb will drop from the ceiling. Please be sure to clear your child's anus of psychological debris before you clear your partner's.

Ding ding. Ding ding. Are you cleared for pre-boarding? No. No. We'd like to invite all diamonds, sapphires, and emeralds onto the plane. Those, of course, are the strippers that David's been banging. Please go on the plane, which is set to crash into the Atlantic Ocean.

Thank you. Ding, ding. Oh, my God. Ding, ding. David, David. Oh, God. So they go to the... I'm trying to find my notes again. I'm like, okay, ding! David, David. Oh god. So they go to the I'm trying to find my notes again.

I'm like, okay, back to Earth, buddy. They take Ethiopian Airlines to Dublin, which is kind of funny. Tamara goes, I found geography, but... I was like, that's all you needed to say. We know. I couldn't even hear the rest, because I was like, we know! Did you notice that

the ticket lady at Ethiopian Airlines was like Mexican Shannon? Look again. She even nodded the same way. She looks exactly like her. She's got brown hair, but she's like, Bobby, Bobby. Shannon's like, they're pop people. Why are you going to the meeting?

I liked my time. I was like, you know, I failed geography, but I'm pretty sure Ethiopians are in my uterus. That's fallopian tubes. Hashtag Ethiopians in my anus for Jesus.

Ethiopians in my anus for Jesus. I love Ethiopians to the moon and back. Hashtag fetch. Pillow. I made a pillow for this guy a lot. I brought it so I could rest on your European tube plane. So Vicky is basically trying to convince all of Ireland that her

vagina still works. She's like, oh, hey, you a cab driver? Oh, yeah. You like stick? Yeah. Drop a stick. Yeah. deck yeah oh your accent sexy what'd you just say he's like i'm from america yeah and meanwhile megan's the backseat boring everyone be like yeah so apparently um the o2 clan ruins are like right next to the hotel everyone's like oh okay great whenever me Megan started talking in this episode, people just started putting on makeup. It's like a rest stop.

Whenever Megan talks, they're like, mental rest stop. They pull out all their little makeup pads. Kelly was telling the, I think it's the driver, someone in Ireland. She's like, I love Ireland. Wow, this is crazy. Hey, how do you say top of the morning? How do you say top of the morning to you? And he's like,

top of the morning to you. And she's like, merning. Look, it's a different language. Idiot. She's like, don't worry. Irish people love me. So I've been told. It's all rainy and cloudy and vicky goes oh this is just how i pictured it how beautiful i also like to mention that oh no it was later it was never mind later when kelly was just being totally ridiculous but so they get

to the hotel this beautiful hotel and there's a woman this manager named deirdre and they like roll out the irish red carpet and it's like a bunch of waiters holding like champagne glasses full of guinness and deirdre's like i'd like to extend a hundred thousand welcomes or as we say in ireland arcade wheel of fortune i was like what this is not the cast to make play wheel of fortune yeah i'm like i know that's definitely a go fish cast i'm like i know you were saying something in gaelic but i'm pretty sure you also said arcade wheel of fortune that's what i thought too i wrote down okay wheel of fortune i'm surprised though i'm surprised tamra was like did she just say wheel of fortune batch well i'm like man now i have to see if

tamra said it then i can make fun of her but i have to be the dumb american who says it Now I have to see if Tamara said it, then I can make fun of her. But I have to be the dumb American who says it. She's like, welcome to the bar. Here we are. We'd like to welcome you to Ireland. We've asked our bartender to create a signature Irish cocktail. It's called Black Velvet.

It's with Guinness and I was like, OK, who put a quarter in Deidre? How about you be quiet and back off the monologue, lady? OK, this ain't the vagina monologues. Hand him a drink and move it along. I would try that drink, though. I'm intrigued by it, even though it looked kind of bonkers. And then they also, Vicky

receives a giant bouquet of flowers that she sent herself, clearly. Exactly. It's like from 1-800 Ireland Flowers. Send 1-800-IRELAND-FLOWERS. Some 1-800-TOP-OF-THE-MORNING to you. Oh, it's that nice. I also got some Pop-Tarts. Oh, you're so thoughtful.

Oh, they're from Bono. That's so nice. It's just an Instacart delivery. Oh, Enya. Oh, Enya says hi. Enya says, Oh, look. Oh, Enya says hi. Enya says, Oh, look. Oh, look, it's the music video from Book of Days on DVD.

I don't know why that made me laugh so hard. Because I remember watching that video a million times when it was on when I was little. That was far and away. Rowdy Beggin just sent me a cheese basket So you know thanks Rowdy Wherever you're at And then Kelly And Kelly is just continuing to be totally obnoxious She's talking to the concierge

She's like oh right here we're gonna go onto the brooms She's like what'd you say Say it again Then she's like oh And he's like oh sorry that's me accent Oh me accent oh me me accent me accent ho me lucky charms i was like please so embarrassing i said she's even racist to white people she can't help herself she's so stupid and that's her way of flirting too because she was already

like kind of flirt like drunky flirting with this guy yeah so kelly goes kelly to door with oh kelly to door guy she's like hey what comes before part b door man he's like i don't know what you're talking about she's like party there's a pause and he's like oh okay then she goes yeah finally someone finds my jokes funny little did we realize that was foreshadowing in fact all those stupid jokes all season long were foreshadowing for this episode um and then i loved how then they all they all convened for like lunch or dinner downstairs and shannon one of my favorite instant favorite shannon quotes. Can I tell you what I would like to see in Ireland? A leprechaun.

And then just cuss the commercial. Like a cliffhanger. Maybe she will find one. It seemed like a long time before there was a commercial. I just remember thinking, is this like a commercial-free episode? Is it that good?

They're going to put all the commercials on hold. I like when Megan sat down. just remember thinking is this like a commercial free episode is it that good they're gonna put all the commercials on hold i like when megan sat down this is such a good megan line they go to the hotel bar and she opens the menu she goes oh look sean ain't there vodka you guys are not in like remote bangladesh okay vodka exists excessively throughout the world Ireland is like the biggest drinking place ever it's like whoa they have vodka this is crazy I'll bet someone like I grew up with made it it's probably like my neighbor Patrick probably like invented invented vodka Shannon whoa uh so the big news of Megan is that she's just here to find out what she could have found out on like genealogy.com what am i trying to say genealogy yeah ancestry.com she's gonna go to a genealogist

and i just wrote down megan will make this the most boring session with like a psychic slash genealogist ever so usually those are good they. They're like, I got my own scene. I'll be talking to the psychic or whatever. Megan's going to make this a one-sentence scene. Can't wait to see. I know. So then, it's the next day. Shannon

wakes up. Shannon's like, top of the morning! David? David, isn't it top of the morning? David, why are you at the bottom of the morning, David? David! So the big plan is that the women are going to go onto a pub crawl. And this is going to be Tamara's one day of drinking because she can't drink this whole trip

because of her fitness competition, but she's going to drink today. And surely that will not be a disaster. Not at all. And she's like, I don't even drink beer, but what's a pub crawl? So Kelly and Megan are staying in the same room, which... Wait, are they? Yeah, they're staying in the same room. and she's like i don't even drink beer batch what's a pub crawl it's like you're done so kelly and megan are staying in the same room which wait are they yeah they're staying in the same room which i really feel bad for megan you know they don't like this bitch if they're making her to

pretend to be kelly's friend for this season yeah you guys have a past together just just go with it go with it it's almost as believable as eric Yolanda being friends in real life. Yeah, exactly. So they get to this first bar and Shannon's dressed like a leprechaun. She basically has a big green sparkly sequined top. Because she's wacky. I'm fun and having good times because, you know, David and I are so happy. We're just so happy. and i are so happy we're just so happy she did that a lot this episode where she was just trying so hard it was that cringy shannon's trying too hard thing yeah um you know who doesn't have to

try hard seinfeld no kelly's like hey let's make a jelly she goes let's make a jelly. She goes, let's make like jelly and roll. Yeah. Awkward. She's like every awkward dad joke rolled into one, you know, blow up doll face. Yeah. Lady. So the women just start drinking. They're doing shots and everything. And Megan's like, all right, guys, let's go up to the genealogist. Like, bye, bitch.

See ya. Yeah. Kelly's like, see, I wouldn't want to be. Yeah. see ya yeah kelly's like see i wouldn't want to be uh yeah why don't you make like a tree and leave she would say it wrong though she'd be like why don't you make like a tree and leaf why don't you make like a tree and get out of here and then tamra's like i just farted the show it's classier by the minute. So they're very careful to show us.

They're like, pub crawl, 12, 11 p.m. Yes. Megan goes, oh, this is, I'm sorry. I was going backwards. Megan goes, what's good for pregnant people? Because I'm pregnant, by the way. You ever met a pregnant person before? I may be the first one.

And Kelly's so clueless she says i have a rocky past with these ladies so what better way to move forward than getting wasted again i'm screaming at them over nothing says the stupid woman who chides her husband for getting too drunk and who admits when she's sober that that they only fight when she gets too drunk and yet here she goes gonna get too drunk. These ladies are ridiculous. They cannot have fun together unless they're wasted. They were really getting wasted fast just to have a show to see. Which, hey, I stand behind.

I stand behind. It actually looked like it was super fun until things went awry. But Vicky and Tamara were being cute. Like, Vicky was doing, like, that thing. She's like, okay, okay, do another shot. Let's get another shot. Let's get another shot. She's just getting shot.

Just do another one It'll be fun They were at O'Andalays That's what they were Howdy O'Andalay Someone said if we're a busboy We need a setting on my face Okay Vicky we get it

Your vagina still works. She's like, oh, Alfredo's here. Look at that. Talking weird, though. Different accent. God, Alfredo will fly all this way just to bring me naan bread that I won't touch. What is she going to? A genealogist?

A gynecologist? Like, poopologist? Like, what is that? What is she doing? I don't even care. Like, seriously. Like, I don't even care. So then Megan goes and meets up with her genealogist who i like to call danny odovito um and he basically is like oh yes so most of the o'tools to live here and if

you go out into town if you tap someone on the shoulder chances are they're related to the o'tools they're from the o'tool clan and it's very exciting and one of your cousins he died in a rebellion you know he's a big rebel he got the land back from the O'Tool clan, and it's very exciting, and one of your cousins, he died in a rebellion. He was a big rebel. He got the land back from the king, and then he was executed. And Megan was like, wow. I could possibly be related to the majority of this town. That's called being

inbred. What are you bragging about? It's called having relatives. Congratulations. She goes, I'm so excited that I'm related to someone who was a successful rebel. And he goes, well, I'm so excited that I'm related to someone who was a successful rebel. And he goes, well, I don't know about that. He was executed. She's like, well, yeah, except for that part.

Yeah. Do you want a candle? Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life

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Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some.

As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts listen everywhere on february 5th or you can listen early and ad free on wondery plus starting january 29th join wondery plus on the wondery app or on apple podcasts so the girls are all walking around with umbrellas. I don't know why I wrote that down. This is how useful my notes are today. I'm like, 1.59 p.m., umbrellas.

They're already getting wasted. Yeah, now they're at it. Yeah, sorry. Oh, no, I was just going to say, Shannon was saying, well, if we're counting, Vicki Gumbelson is out by a huge lead in the shots game. David, David, why can't I have a lead in the shots game? David. And we know that these scenes are about to get extremely stupid because Vicky,

no, Kelly comes up to Shannon and she goes, hey, what's that on your shirt? And Shannon looks down, she flicks her nose. She's like, ha ha, gotcha. And walks away drunk to go to the bathroom. And Shannon tells the other one, she's like, oh, Kelly just flicked my nose. Ha, just flicked me in the nose and vicky's like that she does it to vicky later wait am i skipping yeah you're skipping okay so basically basically shannon is i don't even know if we saw the first flick but shannon was basically like well you know kelly's just you know she just did that thing to my nose we did that she just did that thing where she says, look there, and I look there, and she said, huh,

and she flicked my nose. That's not very nice. She's already muttering when Kelly's gone about how she didn't like her nose being flicked. They're like, oh, this sounds like the making of a Great Housewives fight. It's a nose flick joke. This is going to spiral out of control. I don't know how. I don't know how this could possibly turn into

World War III. I've seen the previews. I know Tamara winds up in the back of a bus in a hysterical fog. I don't know how we're going to get from this nose flick to there, but it's going to be great. Kelly is really smart. I mean, she's even turned everybody against Siggy in the Jersey show, and she doesn't

even live there. I mean, no one wants to meet a Siggy flicker after this episode. Oh, flicker! Well, that's great. I mean, no one wants to meet a Siggy Flicker after this episode. Oh, Flicker. Well, that's great. I'm already not talking to one of you. So while Shannon is starting to stew over this nose situation, Vicky is now drunk and she's flirting with the barkeep, who is just this very

ordinary looking guy, sort of like Sean Astin, which, you know, she's very Sean Astin. Sean Astin just keeps coming up today. Yeah think that's why i said because we made a sean astin reference in our tune-in episode but um but he's like very average and he's like i'm respectfully saying you're gorgeous you're hot that's what i'm saying like you're a potato is it is it your fault you're hot no so but put you in the oven your mother probably blame her because you're hot and. Is it your fault you're hot? No, so we'll put you in the oven. Your mother probably. Blame her because you're hot and I'm ready to eat you.

It's like, whoa, Vicky, whoa. It's like you're hot like tapatio picante sauce. I want to swallow you. Whoa, Vicky, whoa, Vicky. Like move over, Colin Farrell. I think that Ireland has a new sex bot over here. His name is You. Just for saying that respectfully.

You have a face that looks like a hebroid pillow. I've got a hebroid. Whoa, Vicky! Whoa, Vicky! And it's kind of awkward. She goes behind the bar and stuff. She's flirting with him. And Heather's like, that woman just wants to be touched and fondled.

She's flirting with him. And Heather's like, that woman just wants to be touched and fondled. And unfortunately, my crab hands are just too sharp. Oh, this is so good. And then it turned into a TJ Maxx ad. And I was like, thank you. Thank you for the symbolism, Real Housewives. Don't think that I don't understand you. And don't think that Gretchen isn't at home.

Like, that's my favorite star so then now we have the return of the nose flicking and kelly does it and and the thing is that like i get dad jokes i make a lot of them myself but but doing the hey what's that and then flicking the nose that's not even a dad that's like not even a joke anymore like that's that's something that like someone does to like a little child right yes right before the child gets punched in the face or like that's what a child does to another child right before it gets punched in the face so kelly does it again everyone's like kelly stop stop and tamra has gotten up and she is heading to the bathroom. And Tamara says from across the bar, don't do that. And then Kelly goes, yeah, keep walking. Oh, God.

And the music changes and Tamara's like, what, bitch? And I'm like, okay. You talking to me? You talking to me? When Tamara gets mad, she starts her squealing voice. Like, yeah, I'm talking to you. Just keep walking. And so then Tamara, now it's on but right

before this um this this turned into this because vicky was like oh that does look like she just did that to me too like my nose and tamra's like she's a dick and then vicky vicky goes yeah well it feels awkward weird it just feels disrespectful like she's being disrespectful to me flicking me in the nose like that she's like yeah fuck her so now they've decided that they're gonna go after kelly it's like drunk tamra and vicky together again so now they're just gonna go over whoever gets in their path for whatever reason and right now it's kelly and she totally falls for it yeah kelly falls for it and on top of that, Kelly actually wants some sort of credit for flicking the women's noses. She's like, listen, you know, I think that flicking a nose is way more socially acceptable than calling someone a cut fitness.

So I was like, oh, oh, so bravo. Bravo, Kelly. You've learned to rein in your awfulness by just merely flicking someone's nose instead of actually flicking them off. That flicking thing does enrage people especially on housewives dorinda almost beat john on camera when he kept doing that to her she's like enough of that joke richard okay it is annoying but of course kelly falls for it so easily, which is like, keep walking, which of course Tamara falls for. What, batch? What, batch? Batch! You take it to another level, batch! I just want to clarify, I'm seeing in my notes now, that Vicky said the flick is hurtful.

Don't nose flick me. It's hurtful. Ma'am! That is the most disrespectful nose flick. It was hurtful that is the most disrespectful nose flick it was hurtful I'm just saying that she's releasing a statement it's like this comes I'm gonna send her a fart cushion from President Obama that says that was hurtful

I have started a new charity called CAF kill all flicks how many flicks do i give none calf so now i wrote down nose flick fight remember this it's like a day in history here's the nose flick fight i don't think we've ever had one of these on the housewife this is no especially not at this at this level right when you think it can it's gonna be kind of a low episode where people are trying too hard to have energy, it turns into the nose flick fight of 2016. Flick gate. Nose flick gate.

So everybody's freaking out on Kelly. She's like, it was a joke, you guys. What the heck? Yeah. And Megan's like, one joke oh no kelly says yeah like i make one joke and i'm back to sushi party status but the funny thing is you're not back to sushi joke status sushi sushi night status but it was a stupid joke when people say stop it it's annoying you can't then play this victim thing like,

seriously? You guys have to just get over it. It was just a joke. Just a joke. She's making it my fault. Like, it's my fault. It's like, what are you people even talking about? You are so drunk at this point.

And then, like, I feel like that's not what's spoken. In fact, they're all wasted. And Kelly's like, because they're all, I feel like that's not what's spoken. In fact, they're all wasted. And Kelly's like, well, I'm sorry that you're so sensitive about nose sweating. Which, of course, no, it's not anymore. I'm sorry you guys are so sensitive. And this is when Tamara really proved that I'm psychic to my sister. And I was so happy.

This scene opened up with Tamara at the bar grabbing her own boobs and jiggling. And she's like, yeah yeah this is my tits and uh she's farted in the bar already and said i farted and she farted on eddie which means at some point which is now she goes hey kelly sometimes you're just grass yes no it's all about how classy tamra is compared to kelly this i think tamra tamra is like an earthquake you know if there's like a bunch of little earthquake swarms there's sometimes people believe there's gonna be a big earthquake so it's like if there's a bunch of little farts you know there's gonna be a big emotional fart coming out soon and here it is she's about to have a catatonic breakdown in a van or something. Yeah.

So sure enough, this is like for me, one of my favorite moments of the episode, perhaps the whole season, was that when Kelly just turns to Heather and she just tries to describe why she's surprised at this whole reaction. She goes, usually people of Jewish descent are sarcastic and funny and get jokes. And Heather goes, stop saying saying that you're being racist she goes i'm not racist i'm mexican yes well i love that i and i just love that like with regarding like well first heather's like um what are you talking about and kelly's like regarding people of jewish descent you can you know ke, Kelly, it's okay. You can say Jewish. You can say Jews. It's just like, I just think they're funny. And they're very sarcastic people.

They're just funny people. Also good with banking. I mean, what the hell? Like balance your checkbook already. Like everything she says that comes out of her mouth is so offensive. But she has no idea because she's got the mentality of a five-year-old. I mean, a five-year-old whore but still she's like i think that actually because they have horns they actually get better reception in their inner radios to hear jokes i think the horns really help really deliver the comedy

heather's like you know what i'm good i'm good i'm getting up now i'm getting up i'm gonna walk around i'm gonna pace around here furiously pointing my finger at things with gerbil eyes you know like her angry gerbil eyes. And then Kelly goes, you gotta have a sense of humor. And she goes, I do. I'm Jewish. Yeah, that was fun. That was a good comeback. But by the way, I liked it when Heather was like, you're being racist.

I was like, well, no, that's not racism. It's just anti-Semitism. It's just ignorant. Actually, I think it's actually just ignorant. Just straight up ignorance. You don't have to use the big R word. Just say you're stupid. You're a drunk stupid.

I did love what you said, what Kelly's response was. I'm not being racist. I'm Mexican. And then Vicky, who can't even talk a full sentence. She's like, I just can't with this. I'm getting on social graces. What does that mean? I'm just getting on social graces. What does that mean? I'm just getting on social graces.

Okay, okay, Vicky. Thanks for the lesson. I'm a racist. Now, here's where Kelly really falters as a real housewife. She's actually got real gripes. Like, if she was really going to fight with these women, she really could because she has real things to say. She's just so stupid, and by the time they get her drunk enough to really start fighting

over this stuff, she doesn't even know what she's saying. But she's yelling now, and she's like, you know what, Tamara? You tell me what everyone says, and if I say something, you tell everybody. And then Tamara goes, Jesus, help me. It's like, she's Christianian now okay it's like i keep

secrets i didn't even tell heather that you had your real estate person check out her lot batch which is hilarious i keep secrets as evidenced by this secret which i'm gonna announce to the world that i didn't tell anyone yet because i haven't seen heather alone very much so i've been holding on to it until we all turned on you in a bar. Yeah, and of course Kelly is like, you're a fucking liar. You're a fucking liar. She goes, I swear to God, Heather, I would not do that. I would not check a person out like that. I would not look into somebody.

I swear to God, okay? I swear to God. Yeah, her line of defense was weird. Her line of defense was, my friend, like, handled the loan for you guys because you, because Harry,

Heather and Terry didn't have enough money for their house, so they had to get a loan, and my friend just told me it. But it wasn't that I went searching for that information. It's just that I was told it,

and then I told everyone. Yeah, well, that's the real Housewives of Melbourne Jeaner thing thing where she's like there's a difference between coming up with the rumor and proliferating the rumor yeah although i actually believe it or not i actually do believe kelly on that i do believe that she was just like yeah i heard this and then tamra goes and says yeah kelly was snooping around trying to dig up this information so i do believe that tamra exaggerated that situation, even though it's stupid for Kelly to even repeat it in the first place. Well, why would it be so embarrassing to get a loan?

I mean, they were selling their old house. Everybody does that. They were selling their old house, so that's where their equity was. It makes sense that they would have to get a loan because their equity is tied up in a gigantic mall house on the other side of town yeah i don't think even heather cared she didn't even seem to care she's like i don't care well you can never tell because her face always looks like has that like fuming look well she probably was still like spiraling inside and thinking to herself am i not funny am i not sarcastic? But I'm of Jewish descent. So Vicky, of course, is trying to be friends with Tamara, but she knows Tamara's nature

and she's like, I don't know what Tamara's trying to do right now. I don't even know what she's trying to do. And Kelly is just screaming, you are a piece of work! She's just screeching. What? She actually says this. She goes, liar of a fucking liar that's what you are i put liar of a freaking liar too i was laughing so hard at that um so yeah she and

she's like you're a shit stirber you are a shit stirber You're a starburst of shit You're the brown starburst That's what you are You just took a starburst up your cut fitness That's what you need to do Well if you're a starburst you might as well eat shit because that's about what you're doing to your body

You still haven't even acknowledged that you got something on your collar What do you mean? That got you again. Assault charges in Ireland. The nose flicker. I had nothing on my collar. You're the liar, bitch.

There's like signs all over town. Wanted nose flicker. Miss Kelly just like drunk faced with quotation marks that say shit stirber. Shannon's like, you know, I still don't even know who got my nose someone said I got my nose I still haven't found it hey this fight is nothing that a glitter green shirt can't

fix I'm speechless David speechless do I want to finish my sentence? Yes. Can I? Nope. Nope.

So this is where they all go out of the bar. They're like, okay, next place. Let's go. Boobad. Boobad.org. So they all start moving. And Kelly is, for some reason, Shannon is just lagging behind. So Kelly gets stuck.

Or shall I say, Shannon gets stuck walking with Kelly behind everybody behind. So Kelly gets stuck, or shall I say, Shannon gets stuck walking with Kelly behind everybody else. And Kelly's just going off. She's a goddamn fucking liar. She's a goddamn fucking liar. I would never say that about some goddamn liar. No wonder her daughter doesn't talk to her. And then Shannon, who's just basically been waiting for this.

This is like Shannon's version of going fishing. This is the moment in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd Christmas gives Jeff Daniels, okay, Jim Carrey gives Jeff Daniels the tea with the laxative in it. And he's like, sip up, sip up, here, drink it all. That's Shannon doing this. Shannon is basically Papa sitting on a bank. And he just got a tug. Got a tug.

Reel it in slowly. Get him on that stick. She's like, how dare you? You should not say that about her daughter. You should not say that about her daughter. Like, oh, here we go. Because, you know, she's going to walk right up to Tamara. Yeah.

So sure enough, they get into this other. Are they in the store now? They go into a department store because Heather's like, I need some retail therapy right now. Shanna's like, we have a coach at home. I don't know why we have to go here. It's like some mall store. Heather's like, damn it, I was being sarcastic

again and everyone believed me. What's wrong with my Judaism? She's like, oh, I saw a mall store and I thought it was my house. So they go into the store. We can only hear them because they're still all mic'd. And Shannon goes up to Tamara. And Tamara's like, what did she say, bitch? Well, you know, she said, well, now I know why her daughter doesn't talk to her anymore.

Tamara's like, what? And then I love that. Then Shannon's like surprised by the reaction. She's like, stop, stop, stop. Tamara, Tamara tamra tamra no no no tamra tamra it's like one of those like ridiculous movies where like someone puts together the ancient like horcrux that they're not supposed to and then an evil spirit comes out no no no no no you gotta stop the machine go back in go back in No, no, no, no. Stop the machine.

Go back in. I'm Voldemort. I'm Voldemort. I'm Voldemort. No. What have we gotten? Hermione's like, I told you. So Tamara's off.

I'll fucking kill you, bitch. Tamara, Tamara, Tamara, Tamara. Tamara's like, you fucking bitch, bitch. You talk about my fucking daughter and I'll kill you! Bitch! And then Kelly's like, you hit me! No, first Kelly does her patented thing. She goes, what are you talking about?

I love when she does that all the time. What are you talking about? What are you even saying? This doesn't't make sense yeah we didn't really get to see what happened in the store we just heard that and we heard her say you hit me which if that was on camera tamra would have been in trouble because you cannot be hitting people on the camera okay but i think that tamra's smart enough to see that there was no camera crew in there so she just hit the bitch so then it's shannon and tamra

they're uh in the bus and tamra's freaking out because we've just seen tamra chase kelly out of the store screaming behind a bus or something you effing bitch like all this stuff about not without my daughter how dare you so then this is where we get the traumatic in the bus where she's like shannon's like breathe you have to breathe slower you have to breathe slower Tamara Tamara stay with me stay with me Tamara breathe slowly breathe slowly then it comes to Tamara telling

us in the uh diary room she's like she doesn't know anything about my life changing pain bitch she has no idea what I've gone through as a mother and for her to pretend that my daughter doesn't talk to me because i'm a bad person that's bullshit and i was like actually that's like literally why your daughter won't talk to you we all have the internet tamra okay i think she's

written it on facebook i was actually a little sad because she was because she was like you don't know the pain you don't know the pain and the music was like sad and emotional while she was suffocating the back i was like no don't make this sad emotional this is a funny moment we don't need sad music right now we need like coconut music or like overly over the top serious music but not the sad music no kidding so you've got one less kid to pay the rent of you'll be fine you made it this far without a belly button you haven't even cried about that yet stop your fake crying tamra shannon's like you are a good mother and you know it tab ross you know it oh so then um then all the women pile into the well they're starting to they're not they're they're coming out of the store. And I love that Kelly starts to go after Shan.

And she's like, what was your agenda in telling her? It wasn't about you. It wasn't about you. And she goes, but she hit me. And she goes, good. Who cares? You shouldn't have said that about our kid. I am an American.

Not once in my life have I ever been kicked out of a store. Except until this you and Tamara thing that you two just did. Someone came knocking on the dressing room door and said, is there an American in there? Heather, the real victim. I have never in my life been kicked out of a department store, let alone an Irish one. out of a department store, let alone an Irish one. I died when she said that they were banging on the dressing room door asking if there was an American in there. So good.

I have never been as humiliated as I was when I was at Lucky O'Shanter's Shamrock Emporium. When Kelly said, it wasn't about you, she said, if I wanted to hurt Tamara, I would have just said it straight to her face. This is your fault. Which I think is actually a good argument because Shannon did do that. But you don't get to just say whatever the hell you want and expect nobody to ever repeat it, especially when this is all about you repeating something you heard from a loan agent. Yeah. And I love how when they're all in the back of this cab, they're going back to the hotel. And there's just more of this back and forth.

And Heather's like, hello, I was just asked to leave a department store. It's not about you, Heather. It's not about you. It's about the chocolates that Nancy Reagan sent me. Okay? This is about. I had just found the most beautiful four-leaf clover. I had to leave it there.

Beyonce just sent me a mixtape. So that's what this is about. So, Clint, I just sent me a blender. I don't know. kelly is screaming you lied and tamra's going i lied you lied i lied you lied it's called geez with these repeat screaming matches of kelly yeah who so heather uh basically everyone's freaking out and kelly everybody's being a victim kelly's like this is like great school they're mean girls i can't believe i'm being So Heather, basically everyone's freaking out. And Kelly, everybody's being a victim. Kelly's like, this is like great scum. They're mean girls.

I can't believe I'm being treated like this. And all the ladies in the back row, it was Tamara, Heather, and Shannon, I think. And they're just all texting while Megan's crying and patting in one of the front seats. Kelly, yeah, Kelly's crying. Why do I always call her Megan? I'm giving Megan's personality way too much credit. Yeah, absolutely. So then they finally get back to the hotel and they all like, all the women basically like go ahead of Kelly because they don't want to be with her. And then when she like walks into the hotel, they're like, crazy lady, crazy lady.

And then Kelly's like, we're like hillbillies. No, that's hillbillies, but be quiet. You know, it's bad when you have to apologize to the hillbillies and when vicky when vicky has to apologize to hillbillies so then kelly goes upstairs and like tells the whole thing to megan and she's like i didn't look into heather's financials that's like like i didn't do that and megan's like that sounds like something i would do the face that kelly made when she was getting off the bus, her face was like squashed and it was like pretending to cry.

She just looked like so dazed and alone. I was laughing so hard. Megan's like, yeah, so far it sounds good. Like you were investigating. What's the problem? And then she's like, yeah. And then so what? So I said, no wonder your daughter doesn't talk to you.

Megan's like, oh, ouch. Oh, no. She's just cringy. It's like, have I told you about the Greystones? I wonder what Patrick O'Toole would say about this. I have a child that doesn't talk to me, but that's because it hasn't been born yet. But it's like I'm pregnant, you know? So, like, I'm pregnant.

I have a stepchild that doesn't talk to me. Does that count? And then, of course, Megan is the first one to be like so did your friend vicky stand up for you because she's your friend now and she's your only friend right did she did you stand up for you like a good friend she's like no she actually was like really quiet and like i've stood up for vicky so much and she didn't even say a thing oh well good friend huh like shut up megan stop trying to turn her against vicky vicky knew what vicky was like okay i'm saying way out of the way of this shit i just barely got into everyone's good graces the last thing i'm gonna do is take stupid kelly's side on the nose flick fight vicky knows exactly

what she's doing and she's a pro vicky acts like an idiot and she makes a lot of stupid decisions but if you really look at this after a day of rest you can see that vicky made tamra get wasted she kept handing her shots and pressuring her to take shots just like tamra did to gretchen back in the day and then she started but that girl flicked my nose that was bead like that was hurtful blah blah blah just because she knows it's going to get tamra riled up and then she let her go and stood the hell back well done vicky because Because Tamara is in need of some revenge. Like, Vicky owes her some major revenge, and she totally served it.

And she has now unleashed the old school Tamara, because now Tamara's like, bye, Jesus. Like, I tried to be reasonable. I tried to stand up for her, but I just can't. I'm like, so really, the nose-flicking fight is really what broke you.

I'm like, as a good good Christian you should be trying to understand this woman you can't be talking about that she's so hurt she's so hurt that she's just going to hurt everyone else and be like I went through that and then not try to help her or be surprised when she lashes out I have like unconditional

love for this dog until it gets the fleas in which case I'm putting it down like Jesus got crucified okay and he stood he didn't get his nose flicked so that batch doesn't even understand what real pain is okay it was so rude she would have she would have flicked jesus nose on the cross and how rude he couldn't even move his hands to check his collar it's like when judas took 30 quarters to come up and flick Jesus' nose. I did like that she whipped at her religious,

her new religious storyline. She's like, Kalé is like Satan. She's so evil. I don't know where you're going to Bible school, but it goes way beyond a nose flick. Yeah.

So then the ladies all go out to dinner. Kelly stays behind to talk to Michael on FaceTime. And of course, he backs her up. He's like, no, you shouldn't apologize at all. Last thing you need to do is apologize because those women just don't get you. They're not like the Irish who really get you. They're just like stupid people from England. they're not salt of the earth they're just like salt yeah they're just like they're just like kosher salt you know like really funny

and sarcastic and getting a lot of jokes you know but like not of the earth kelly is such a hypocrite she starts off the episode trying to start fights with her husband on TV again. She's like, why did you get so drunk? I was so embarrassed. He's like, I'm going to miss you, babe. You're disgusting. You can't drink like that. Just poking it and poking it. And then she tells us, oh, God, I need a break from him.

I'm so glad I'm going on vacation. I can't even with him. And then now, of course, the second she's crying, she's like, I miss you. It's like how ironic that I wanted to get away from him, but now I just want to go home to him. It's not ironic. You're just kind of a hypocritical asshole. Yeah. It's called an abusive relationship, actually.

It's called codependency. It's called emotional abuse. Bye. So the other women go off to this like really cute Irish pub from like 1768. And they are just drunk. And the Irish dancers come out. And Vicky's like, nice ass. It's like, I think that was the first time

I let a guy jiggle over my face. So gross. So, yeah. I like when Vicky talks about being respectful. And then she calls out nice ass to a guy in the middle of his show. Tamara was still wearing her sunglasses through this

whole day like she's just been traumatized batch and she's like you guys I have to apologize to you because like she has abused every one of you. Like she has come at you. She's trying to ruin everyone and I tried to suck up to her

but not anymore, bitch okay, Tamara, you're ridiculous what I would give to run into these women on vacation, that's all I want the Irish people thought it was pretty hilarious, they were cracking up every single scene they were cracking up in the background and they all were

eating a potato of some kind they were all much older and been like, oh yes, we've seen this before. Stupid Americans. Been there, done that. So bust. Petaflores here. Been there,

done that. I've been there, but I've done that. No one would know because you started ignoring me the minute I was there. This just all reminds me of nine years ago when I flew to France with Vicky and Tammy Knickerbocker and some of their other OC friends. And that was like nine months before I started watching The Housewives. And I still kick myself because had I been watching Housewives a little sooner, oh, my God. and uh that was like like nine months before i started watching the housewives and i still kick myself because had i been watching housewives a little sooner oh my god i would have listened in

on their conversations so much more they were probably the same as the moms you heard on the plane from austin to vegas like could you believe he woke up at the middle of the night pooped at me it's like still the same stories all i remember is standing next to vicky at baggage claim uh in charles de gaulle airport and she was wearing this white t-shirt that said in like glittery letters i think it said prada or maybe versace either way it was just totally tacky and i was like i think that woman's on bravo well you could have been like that you could have been like that the gay that always shows up whenever they're on vacation there's one gay guy in whatever bar they go to he's like oh my

god it's a housewife and in this one it was like the kind of big pasty irish dude with glass and he's like oh it's a housewife he's like would you like to dance miss and she's like dancing vicky around and then she's like oh that was so fun did you see that hot vera mad trying to have sex with me and he's like he just stood at the table i was like you can leave now okay you were a temp gay you know you're not a cast member on this show now okay oh yeah he just sent me a fiddle get out of here mr gay stone so uh that was the. It looks like there'll be more fighting next week in good old Ireland. Some good Megan scenes next week. She's like, hi, are you a Greystone?

Hi, are you a Greystone? I believe it's O'Toole. Well, she's an O'Toole, but they're from the Greystone clan. That's why he was like, I don't know. It's a lot of different things going on. But she's like, are you ideology. Are you a Greystone? Are you? Are you?

This is harder than I thought. She's walking up to random people in the street. Thank God I wore my pants with elastic bands on. All right. Let's move on over to the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Sounds good to me. You just threw your mic down. From the Irish to the Italians.

Yes. So, Dolores and Siggy. Now, this is an entire episode of just Siggy freaking out all over everybody. Siggy wet dreams. Siggy is coming to dinner dinner should have been the title of this episode because she just shows up at everybody's house like well here's how i felt about that like i didn't even understand what to do because that's how i feel as a relationship expert and i was already laughing because you know ciggy came over and looks like all right let me share the kitchen i was like oh she's gonna talk about the kitchen this means we're gonna get some classic dolores kitchen frank jim maz boo talk and sure enough

there we go it was all there did it exactly she's like how much the kitchen cost i mean i don't know well i'll tell you who does i'll tell you who knows frank knows he always remembers everything i mean like look i had 500 people at the gym the other night frank doesn't know i mean i'm trying to stay on my own two feet but frankie's giving me giving me money, and I don't know. I miss Boo, and my son, I don't ever see him anymore. He's got a license. And you know, my first husband, he drove everywhere. He was so handsome back then. And my fiancée,

oh my goodness. I mean, the gym was totally different. First, it felt like Mads' gym, but then I moved away. Then I came back, and I was like, I need to make this gym mine. So I had 500 ladies over. We drank some white wine at the Zumba room. It was amazing. I wish Boo was there to remember it with me.

I went to the gym and I was working out with a free weight. And that's what I want. I want to be free of all these weights on me. I want to be free of what Frank says. But if I don't have Frank, I don't have any money. I love him. I love the guy. We have an untraditional relationship.

But that's what I love about him. My fiancé, he made Frank look like an angel. But let me tell you something. Frank is tough. He's a tough cookie. But he gives me money, you know? But here we go. Anyway, granite.

Yeah, Siggy stops her. She's like, well, at least you weren't in Vermont. Oh, God. That's like a Ronnie Segway right there. Yeah. Well, then Dolores goes, listen, I don't like going over the highlights of a war. Anyway, let's go over the highlights of the war. Let's talk about countertops.

Gray, Grammy, Formica, what do you think? Boo liked Formica. I don't know why. He didn't know what Formica was, but it was much easier when he didn't have to clean the peen out of the ground. You know what I mean? You know, Boo, you know what he liked? He liked marble.

He liked the marble floor. But I was like, you know, Boo, it's so expensive. How about travertine? And Boo was like, no, I want marble. I was like, okay. So Frank, I was like, Frank, can we get some marble floors? And he was like, how about this? How about you get some wood flooring?

I was like, okay, we'll do some wood flooring. But you know what? We're at Granite now. We're at Granite Place, and I'm okay with that. I like it. And Ziggy's like, yeah, I agree. I've seen a different side to Jax. She said, you're a c-

I don't even want to say the C-world. Which is criminal. These people are ridiculous. Yes. Yeah, it's a tale of I don't even want to say the C-World! Which is criminal. These people are ridiculous. Yeah, it's a tale of two C-Words on these shows. It's a tale of two criminal- I want a curse in the title! You know, the most

offensive song I ever heard was that one by Fiona Apple. I can't even say what it's called. C-World. So she's like, I'm a little lurked and here's why i feel like jack felt like we didn't have a back and that infuriates me because i texted her and i said i had your back and she didn't text me back and she's giving me the silent treatment over the text i mean why would she do that to me i did everything i could to stick up for my friend where's jackie why am i not hearing from jackie i'm like jesus christ i am totally

like see i am totally that person that's like i'm getting the silent treatment they're mad at me they're mad at me i went through it with two different people yesterday where i was like they're not texting me back did i do something did i make them mad she's just freaking out all over and then they show a montage of nothing she's like and then i texted her they're like showing her text and then she goes what is i don't even know what's happening what is this what's stripper gate huh like what you bring up i don't like the past don't bring up the past okay and i'm like oh why don't you tell us how you're raising a cellar again like all you talk about is the past these ladies are nuts nuts, but it's just a warmup scene for Siggy.

Yeah. Well, I liked that. Well, I liked Dolores who claimed she did not want to talk about Vermont, but then like talked immensely about Vermont. She's like, you know, I think that Siggy just has PTSD. You know, she wasn't trained for this part of the zoo. She was put in, she was, she was in the petting zoo. She came into the do not feed section.

I'm like, you're really obsessed with this metaphor, aren't you? Yeah, she loves that zoo metaphor. She's like, you think you're taking your kids out for a fun time, but before you know it, he's climbed a fence and Harambe is about to kill him. And I said, boo, go get Harambe. And Boo's like, no, I'm not going to. But we don't have Boo anymore. So who's going to get the kid out from Harambe? It's not going to be Boo.

We don't have Boo. So I said, Frank, Frank, there's a little boy in there. And Frank's like, well, I would go there, but, you know, know i gotta work at the gym yeah i'm like oh god maz so i left the boy at the zoo and i went back to the i went back to maz like listen maz this kid's not from the zoo he doesn't understand how the zoo is he's like with the gorilla masses what do you want me to do i need more women it was like okay we'll have zumba we'll bring harambe there and everything was solved he told harambe do more zumba you stupid bitch and if you don't get to work on so i'm gonna cut your fucking head off how about that so what can do so Harambe is gonna be a Zumba teacher that's all you know

it works out I did like how Dolores like cut it right off she put it in one little sentence she goes look that relationship was done back on the deck and then they show 2011 on the deck where Jacqueline's like but are you getting sued or not I just want to be your friend. This whole episode was flashing back to shit from 2011. That is just sad. By the way, I feel like so many things could be explained by that phrase. Well, that relationship was done on the deck. I mean, think about all the fights that have happened on decks in New Jersey. And by the way, earlier today, before this podcast, I had a physical.

And I had to have blood drawn. And I was just sitting there with a needle in my arm and i was looking down at the little vials and they uh they had like an address because i guess that's get sent off to a lab and the address was like franklin lakes new jersey and i was like oh my god everything i think about is oh my god it could have been um ashley's sperm sample maybe she was interning over here at the BuzzFeed again or something. You guys, my blood is being sent to the man's house. She's making a list.

It's being sent to Caface. Caface is where you can get a facial, a sandwich, and your blood drawn. Little egg salad and a gene test. I want to know where my ancestors are from. Oh, it turns out they're from a really white place. It turns out they're from Northern New Jersey. It turns out my great-great-great-great-great-grandfather is Whitey McWhiteson.

It turns out my great-great-great-great-great-grandfather works at some place called Caface. No, that's just Lauren Manzo. I think you're looking at TV Guide. Every man in my family has been named Mike. So let's see. The confusing part. Okay, so they go on forever with this.

And then Dolores is like, you know what? I don't care. I'd rather be here with my cabinets and my dog and the ghost of Boo. Okay, I'll just wait for the granite delivery. So then we go to Melissa over at The granite actually showed up. They actually showed the granite arriving. Oh yeah, they did show the granite, yes. And guess what? It's gray.

Like, who helped you with this? It looks like a prison. Like, why is this show so obsessed with prison? Everything in there is gray. You know what Dolores needed? She needed the artistic vision of Melissa's tutu wearing wearing manager that's what she needed cindy lapper jersey cindy lapper jackie i just got him from the bahamas honey here's what you gotta do you know sales look good on the you know on on the uh ical looks like we've been selling a lot i was uh i was looking at instagram

it looks like our sales are through the roof um but the big news is that well you know what you know and these internet sales are down and melissa goes yeah but that's just the internet we don't know what we're doing on the internet am i right assistant gay guy who probably knows nothing to do about the internet oh i think it looks right like i like i like how they're talking like why would anyone be buying anything from envy from the internet like this is not amazon okay yeah especially when it's only sized to horror clothes it's like horror oscar clothes and they're only in one size we seem to have gotten a bulk order from rags emporium okay i guess we can send our

stuff there i guess they're looking for stock so we don't know how to use the internet friday guys like like if his face was a sound effect that would be it i'm matching all of our listeners we're just like yanking off their headphones right now. Hey, there is a spit guard on my mic, okay? Who would have thought that the Teresa Giudice paparazzo does not know how to do internet sales for a woman's boutique? He's like, I know how to sell videos. They're like, whoa, no. Cameras are on. And I love how they're like trying to whip up some drama around this.

Like, uh-oh, internet sales are down, but the Envy fashion show is approaching. What are we going to do? Oh, and on top of that, Jackie has to go back to the Bahamas. Yeah, Jackie's like, yeah, just got in. Be back in the Bahamas. All right, call me. So this scene, basically, Melissa was like, look, Kim T has been starting trouble. Why does she always do that?

And he goes, oh, was kim t in vermont no and so they retell the whole thing that he's being accused of taking a video of theresa taking cash for her book so she can go back to jail or something and he so did it he's so guilty of this and you can tell because it's the only time i've ever seen his mouth closed that's just what i was gonna say the only time he looks like a different person his mouth automatically closed i didn't even know it could close yeah and then he's like anything i've ever said about him has only been totally positive i love her and she's like yeah i know i looked just to make sure i went through all of your old videos just to see if you said something about her because she's my sister-in-law. Okay?

You can't say anything bad about her. It's like, Melissa, be honest. You were watching Little Mermaid 3. We get it. Yes. You can't take down Teresa, but you will keep trying for the rest of your life to take down Kim D. I would also like to mention about this upcoming Envy fashion show that Melissa's plan is to have Chris Loretta model in it. And this is not a good sign for a boutique, I think.

I don't think that Chris – I don't think the representative of the Little Colonel Popcorn brand, which actually started following me on Instagram, which has me worried. I don't think that he's really a great choice to be a model in a fashion show. What? It's Tiny Popcorn. think that he's really a great choice to be a model in a fashion show what is tiny popcorn i just i just wonder he was gonna model in envy what was he gonna model for she said that she's like well i've decided i really want to have some men's brands in here so i thought that chris lorita would be a good model for the envy fashion show you sell size too like she doesn't even sell a pair of pants in that whole store. She's ridiculous. I just don't understand.

There are, like, hot people in Jersey. There really are. Why are they not reaching out to them? Like, get, like, a hot Guido, you know? Yeah. Well, I don't think that store is even real. I don't even think it's open. But she's really going after Kim D. She started a store and noticed that she's moved.

She's really going after Kim D. She started a store and noticed that she's moved. This scene, we got, I mean, this episode, pardon me, we got to see the Posh Fashion Show. And did you notice it was five minutes long? They were like, that's it. Five minutes long in the middle of the episode. Nothing happened.

It was, I'm actually, I feel ripped off as a viewer. Yes. And I can guarantee you that they're going to really try to make the Envy show, the new posh show, where there's all this drama going down. It's this big, famous show, just to get back at Kim D. Which, hey, get back at Kim D. She deserves it. She's awful. Kim D., I have to say, well, we'll get to the posh fashion show,

but I was amused by the venue. So, meanwhile, over in Jacqueline's world, she's sitting on a a deck and she's like, oh, look, the geese are back. I'm like, this is basically your story arc. The geese are back. That's it. Yeah. It's like the Sopranos. It's like his lingering depression storyline.

Oh, the ducks. Yeah. Yeah. The thing with the ducks. But seriously, it's like Jacqueline is so uninteresting that geese are the only ways to make her more exciting. Was she cutting cheese in this one? Was she making an antipasto plate in this one? Oddly enough, she wasn't.

Maybe it's because the geese are back, so she's distracted. So here's... Put together prosciutto. Oh, no. Sorry, the geese were here. There's another scene that Siggy has nothing to do with but she's showing up anyway and i love that one of the recurring themes on this show is that no one lets ciggy into the house yeah she went to melissa she rang rang rang nobody ever let her in and this

one she uh jacqueline's in the backyard with chris and no one can hear ciggy like they're just standing out on the front forever i I hear that they're geese. I want to say hello. I want to say Lashna Tova to the geese, because it's Geese New Year. The first time I saw a geese, I thought it was a Muppet. I had never seen a goose. I was born in a cellar.

I only heard of ducks and swans. I thought, what's this thing? What's this very ugly duck? When I learned that dogs don't play the piano and talk to you, I was like, what kind of world is this? Listen, I've never met a Canadian before. And I thought, hey, Canadian geese, perfect opportunity. So they come over to talk shit with them. And Chris is like, oh, popcorn.

And then she's like, no, I got something to say. And then Siggy goes in her big dramatic thing she's like i want to know i need clarity i feel like jacqueline you're mad at me i was so hurt and insulted when you didn't text me back and jacqueline's like uh jacqueline looks like she's just taking about five xanax she's like uh and lauroris goes what she wants to know is like if her loyalty is being questioned here that's what she's feeling and then there's just silence and jacklyn goes um i was in my own world i wasn't even thinking about you yeah i love that i mean jacklyn never skips a chance to like garner sympathy or like if she if someone opens the door for her to be mad um or to

be upset or or to take a stance she'll take it you know but even in this case she was like no i oh i oh i was not even thinking about you i was not even mad at you literally not even not even thinking about you yeah she was like i was about to tell you about my trip to vermont like she doesn't even see anybody else there and then they don't know how to even react to this so she's like i wasn't even thinking about you there's a pause and dolores goes i bet it's how ciggy feels and ciggy goes just so you know i know you were in your cocoon but i was saying green hurt and you know and of course she's like sitting there petting the dog's stomach and it's just looking at her like, you, no one has ever pet me like this. He's just giving her this look like.

He's like, I can't help but feel like you're kind of funny and sarcastic and get jokes. And Chris goes, it's like the dog. Look at the dog. That's like Jacqueline. If a dog is being abused and you say, if you say something to it, the dog's going to bite you. Just like Jacqueline. She's like a rescue dog. But like bite you just like jacklyn she's like a rescue dog but like you just can't put it down you just gotta wait for it to happen naturally slowly

are you really comparing your wife to a rescue dog right now chris yeah well one thing that we can agree on i think that jacklyn needs some shots of something because she is crazy yeah whatever she's doing orally, not helping her brain. Yeah. So Jacqueline is she's still mad at Melissa. And so Siggy makes this this hilarious proclamation as if like there should be like a special alert on all the news. She's like, you know what? I'm not going to go to Melissa's fashion show and I'm not going to go to posh fashion show, but I will go to the popcorn event. Thank God. I was concerned she's going to go to the posh fashion show, but I will go to the popcorn event. Thank God.

I was concerned she was going to go three for three there. But to be fair, I really love mini popcorn. Never heard of it. Sounds like a great idea. I'm there. I support tiny little colonels and the military. I mean, you know this is about popcorn, right? I'm all for little people being able to serve in the military.

Little Colonel. I'm going to wear a little flag. One of those tiny flags. It's popcorn. You know that, right? I'm all for the popcorn military. You know, in Israel, you're forced to be in the military when you're 18. So I get it.

I understand. One thing that could bring the Middle East and the Jews together. Popcorn. Gather around a bowl. Solved it. You know what what there's too much fighting the war is too big you know the only way to make the war bigger is to make our soldiers smaller little kernels baby munchkin kernels it's like uh it's actually branded already all right little all right we'll stick with little and he goes chris goes you're both amazing people he's talking to dolores and siggy because he goes you're both amazing people siggy i can

see your soul it's got nice tits you're a fixer and not a breaker this show dolores is dolores is like you know i'm just happy that siggy can hold the dog because she's used to a petting zoo, okay? This makes sense to her, but she's not used to we have to feed the animals. Like, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't take it to Jurassic Park. Don't take it to the Bronx Zoo. Like, just keep her with the petting zoo.

It's the area of the zoo she needs, one animal at a time. Like, the perfect zoo for her would be one animal in one room. You just go room to room. Otherwise, she can't take it. It's too much. Next week, I'm thinking about taking it to a touch tank, but I'm not sure if we're there yet. So now

we get the clown. I was going to say, before the clown music, we do have to talk about how Siggy is the queen of being overdramatic, and she's talking about how it was just a month ago, and we were all sitting around a bonfire, and're all happy it was there and then it was gone jesus it was not a not a marriage here come on now it's like i'm expecting carly simon to start

playing i know nothing stays the same and i'm planning to play every game it'll be coming around again i swear it'll be coming around again i swear it'll be coming around again you ever see hot burn she says so much like my notes every time she's on screen are so long i have to skim through them to even get to it she says so much i didn't even hear her say that that shit's hilarious it was there and then it was gone everything she says is just so dramatic but like i hang on to every word i love it so anyway back to coconut music yeah it was tree you know it's like theresa clown music and joe joe gorg is over there he's like where the kids and she's like it's cool he's like yeah

i don't know about school because i'm a man like what the fuck do i know if they go to school i got a woman to do that for me she'll make sure they get out she's like it's my favorite look i got tuna with the nut bread he brought her a sandwich down also i read out of no tuna with the nut breads they just basically have this stupid little scene and my sister said did they who are these people are they friends and i said no that's brother and sister and she said it looks like they don't know each other i said well i could explain the entire issue but look we're already flashing back to 2011 and you still don't get it it's hopeless well the best part was the flashback to their this like grainy video of them dancing together a tree with a giant hair and joe with this it was like 1987 mustache and like mullet. It was great. They look so in love.

They really were. Cute couples. And she was like, you know, when Joe goes away, I don't know how he's going to take out the garbage. Like, will you come over and do it for me? Yeah, I'll do it. I'll do it for you. Yeah, you need to take out the garbage. That's me.

I'll come over. I'll take it. I'll make some woman come over and do it while I watch from the porch. Because that's what men do. So Siggy, now it's back to Siggy every scene is Siggy so Siggy goes to a coffee shop she pays with a hundred she's like sorry to pay for a hundred at the coffee shop but there you go and then I don't know why I thought that was so funny I didn't even notice that she got 97 73 and change I thought that was funny. Go buy my book.

So now this is a new kind of clown music. Yeah, she's like, here's a tip. Go buy my book. It was like Klezmer clown music because it was Siggy. It's like... I don't even know how to do Klezmer. That's like a super fight. That's like the super fight thing.

Like Siggy Flicka armed with klezmer music and clown music. I wrote coffee dop. Okay, Siggy, I'm going to rent a... Oh, she's like, oh, I guess I'm okay. Oh, I'm going to rent a car. My car died this morning. Whatever, here I am. Okay, it's going to be a great scene.

Feel it coming. Yes. So, basically, they don't really know each other. So, Melissa, basically, they have this discussion about the party and ciggie's like i hate the rift but i gotta tell you i admit it when i first met you i thought you were phony and self-absorbed there i said it okay and she goes why would you think that why would you think i'm phony and self-absorbed and she goes oh i I just mean, like, you're not deep or invested in relationships.

You know, I sort of thought you were a whore. That's all. Now I get to know you, I know that you're a sensitive whore. And then she moves into why she's pissed at Jack, and she's so torn, and she's like, I hope you understand this, but I told

them I'm not going to the posh fashion show, and I cannot come to the Envy fashion show. Dun, dun, dun. And Melissa's like, why am I being punished? And she goes, I hope you understand this. It's just that I don't want to be put in the middle of it. You are literally putting yourself in the middle. You're not involved in any of these fights, lady. She's like, I didn't even invite you to the Envy Fashion Show, by the way.

Okay, well, that's good, because I cannot go. I'm afraid, sir, I will not be able to attend it. Just send a formal letter. Dear Melissa Gorga and the Gorga family, hitherto to this previous moment, therefore, in the state of New Jersey, I will not be in attendance of the Envy Fashion Show. Thank you and kind regards, Siggy Flicker.

P.S. Please possibly come to dinner in a year or two when I've matured and have learned to put down my cell phone. Love, Siggy's daughter. The only reason why I'm not going to the fashion show is I can't find the invitation. It was there, and then it was gone.

The mailman came by, and then he left. I thought he had something to say to me, and for one moment, I felt some magic. But then he was gone. He had to go on a route of some sort. I tried to call you about this. It rang and rang. A woman came on the phone

and said, leave your number, leave your message after the beep, and then she was gone. You have to understand that I'm in a state of mourning. They're telling me that the post office is dead. Well, guess what? I'm very attached to my mailman, and to hear that he died today is very difficult for me.

Very difficult. Oh, so ridiculous. melissa's like why would you punish me which i it's punishment that she's not going to come to her show yeah so melissa he's like i well i'm done with her i cannot believe it i don't give a shit okay jacqueline said you know she said something about my nose job and she called me fake and look it's no secret that i got a new nose but that is my secret to tell not hers well it is it was shitty of jacqueline to do that like if this is your friend you know all of a sudden be like well you got four now like what's like like fuck you like melissa like i i i did not like how Jacqueline treated Melissa

Melissa of course was sort of being like playing dumb during that fight but I think she has a right to be because she doesn't want to be dragged in she's worked so hard to finally become on good terms with her sister-in-law and Jacqueline's now trying to bring her into it knowing that's going to cause a rift

again with Melissa and so Jacqueline's suddenly surprised that Melissa is going to be like, uh, I don't quite remember. And then she's like, well, you have four nose jobs. The fact that like Jacqueline goes so low so quickly is so – that's bad. And I think that Melissa has a right to be annoyed. And so I actually do kind of understand when she says, yeah, I had a nose job, but that's for me to tell people.

It's not for you. Oh, yeah, yeah. I get it, too. It's just only on this show would you hear that? Of course I got a nose job, but that is my secret to tell. Yeah. But Melissa was totally right. Melissa says that Jacqueline's jealous of the place that she's in with Teresa.

Well, Jacqueline even said she's like, that wasn't cool of her to just, like, switch sides like that. These fights are, like, from fifth grade. Yeah. So then like switch sides like that. These fights are like from fifth grade. Yeah. So then Siggy starts to cry again somehow. I don't know why. I just wrote she's crying again. She goes, you don't, wait, what did she say? You don't think she had a thing to do?

Oh, then it turned to stripper gate because then Melissa was like, I mean, maybe she was the one because where did Kim D even come from? Where did Kim D even come from? Jacqueline brought brought oh no theresa said that at some other point she's like yeah where did kim d even come from and then it was jacqueline's friend i think they all use kim d and kim d is like a real gun anyone can buy it and use it yeah it's a murder because she has no size used she is happy to be used she'll shoot her enemy but you can also turn it on yourself and she'll kill you just as easily like she does not care so then dolores has such a dolores scene she's like in one of these like old lady boutiques buying tchotchkes and she's like talking to like her mom is there but she's just like telling her mom and the staff she's like you know you know i realize easter's around the corner i don't have stuff i need to get some stuff you

know because it's easter time and like uh you know i got i did a whole new kitchen i didn't even think what am i gonna put in my kitchen for easter time so i need to get some tchotchkes you know i need to get some dolls and some figurines gotta feel like you know jesus is coming you know because it's like a different zoo now you know like when the animals come i want them to feel comfortable you know she's like i really look i love my mom like i really love my mom but the really important thing is that you know i'm different than my mom was. I'm like, well, you already have a gym membership. That alone separates you. Sorry, but I had to. I had to.

I wrote it down. Sorry, everybody. Well, I love that Dolores is going on her usual, you know, her usual, like, learning annex moment, which is like, you know, I didn't have an education. You know, an education is what separates you from your mother. You know, it's like, but, you know, I had men and I have inner strength. And, you know, my inner strength needs to be educated. And I'm in a zoo now, you know, and I like to go and I like to go around.

I like to look at the animals, but sometimes they're in cages. I feel bad for the animals, but now I'm not used to this corner of the zoo. It's a new zoo. There's pandas there. You can't be loud. They won't have sex if you're loud. So you have to be quiet and people have to observe those things. But, you know, at least the panda's getting educated.

What if she said, yep, it's going to be totally different dating now because men will treat me differently. Because, you know, before I didn't have an education or career, but now I do. It's going to be totally different dating now because men will treat me differently. Because, you know, before I didn't have an education or career, but now I do. It's going to be totally different. I'm in a much different position. Even her mom is bored. Her mom's like, you have a job, but you have not become educated. Like, when did that happen? Did you go to school and not tell me, honey?

not tell me honey so now we finally go on to the posh fashion show which is held at some place called like valentino's on park or whatever are they having a fashion show in a down the aisle of a mexican food restaurant how do people get to the bathroom i know i was like where is like they were there i mean it literally looked like a food hall at like a local college it was and then i i looked i was so i was so intrigued by the place i looked it up and i found they Like they were there. I mean, it literally looked like a food hall at like a local college. And then I looked, I was so, I was so intrigued by the place. I looked it up and I found they had done like a sizzle reel, like a one minute thing, which I post on our Facebook page, which is like this adorable little thing shot on like an iPhone trying to be like cinematic. And it's like edited this music with like every single star wipe and barn door wipe and slide and swish.

It is amazing. And the shots are like so fast. The only shot that lingers for more than two seconds is one with the chef with Danny Aiello. Oh, Lord. Oh, it cracked me up. There's like the skee-ball machine and a model walking down.

Well, the food did, yeah, but it's a fashion show. That's so sad that we even saw the food. Yeah, I do like that the fashion show always seems to happen at like a spaghetti and meatball dinner. It's like you could wear this to go out partying and if you get a little salsa at the late night snack after, you can wipe it right off with a towel. Oh, it's like having a fashion show at the Booster Club meeting for the public high school. Kim is awful as usual. Love her. As usual, she looks like she's being played by Sally Kellerman, whom I love.

So I was very happy to see her. But she's like, yeah, welcome to the show, girls. And they immediately start gossiping. And Jacqueline starts telling her about hating Melissa, what a whore she is. And Melissa was the one, she said, I was involved in Strippergate. And then they go into the whole, well, Siggy's not coming, but she's also not going to the little curdle either. And Dolores is just sitting there kind of listening to all this, which means she's in trouble coming reunion time or come reunion time. Hey, you know, she's just exploring a different part of the zoo.

I like how, like, Jacqueline's like, I had nothing to do with Triplicate. Isn't that right, Kim D? And Kim D's like, absolutely nothing. You had absolutely nothing to do with it. Look, you could share your contacts over in iCloud. What, are you going to sue the Apple? So you sent me a text. So then Kim D starts throwing the pot

again. She's like, you know what? Tree, if I were Tree, I would divorce Joe. You know, because he cheated on everyone, you know? Yeah, this came from nowhere. They said Friday is a little kernel launch, so Siggy's going to go to that, and she goes, yeah, well, did you tell Tree to

divorce Joe? Because I would tell him that. It's a complete non sequitur. Because if she doesn't, he's going to be entitled to anything that she makes from now on. And then they just segue into the fashion show, which as usual are the worst fashions of all time. It really makes Envy look bergdorf gridmans you know it's like just these like shitty shitty dresses with these like local models or just like they act like they're you know at cabo wabo cantina and they're just like dancing it looked like a casting call for tantarine so when she was saying when kim was going off about her she's like is she delusional does she not know listen everyone on the planet knows

and then they show these headlines like joe's cheating every night that theresa's been in jail joe's been banging someone new um and i've noticed throughout the season theresa keeps saying i would never leave joe but if you leave i'm cheating joe you know that right joe because she's setting it up to leave joe and say that she found out that he was cheating i'm calling it now just let's make a little obvious psychic moment i'm like the sun's gonna go down tonight it's not obvious so then uh kim d does like a little dance thing which i love they like just like and then um and then i was like okay well that was a great episode and then all of a sudden it was like oh wait no it's still going i'm like wait i was your it was your thought too i was like wait the posh fashion show is is not the

climax of the episode how is this possible how has the posh fashion show been relegated to the 30 minute mark of a show this is not appropriate yep joe gorg has been given some blow jobs on that set so instead we see tree and melissa going to meet dolores and ciggy for lunch and they go to some restaurant where i could swear that theresa ordered an appetizer called the freedom tower was that oh my god please tell me that's not true like i can totally imagine some like shitty restaurant like you know what we're gonna do we're gonna put a bunch of breadsticks together in honor of 9-11 and call this the Freedom Tower Bread Plaza. Oh, my God. That is so Jersey.

Yeah. I could be wrong. She ordered, like, ten things. She's like, all right, we'll have the rock shrimp. All right, we'll have the calamartos. We'll have some... She just kept ordering and one of

them said, every time you go out with Teresa she orders like 10 things just for herself. He was Dolores. You know, if we had Boo here, we could always give him the scraps, but he's gone now. Frank, oh my god, that's the reason why they call him Frank the Tank. He eats like a tank. He used to do bodybuilding. When I first met him,

when we brought detectives on the force, he would do bodybuilding and I would go find bad guys and it was good. It all worked, but then it didn't work anymore. But then we had our child and everything was wonderful and then we had Boo and, you know, Dolores. And Teresa's still ordering. And then we'll have a steak. We'll have a

battery pox salad. Siggy's like like I have an announcement Listen I love you I love Jacqueline We should help each other out Life is fragile But I had a talk with her I'm not going to the posh

And I'm not going to the NV And she goes But I changed my mind And now I will be attending the NV event. CNN, Siggy Flicker is actually going to the

NV fashion show. I knew she'd see the lights on that one. What? Siggy's like, and in other news, here's a little safari hat I got from the zoo. Oh, don't give him that. That's the wrong section. Where'd you get that?

Where'd you get that? Why were you in the feeding section? Did you feed a giraffe? They have long tongues, don't they? Yes, very long. It was very scary for me. I had to pull back on the branch to make it feel like a real tree. Very intense.

So that's basically that scene, right? I right i mean yeah that's really all i was making she wasn't gonna go to the nv fashion show but now she is this huge event huge thing so now we're at the little colonel thing she's like oh it's really not about short people with guns kim d was back again she made a cameo so just if you were concerned that there was not enough kim d she's back but she was quiet quiet she's supportive of tiny popcorn yes he's like jacqueline oh little colonel let me tell you my kids are obsessed they are obsessed with little colonel i mean so i think they never talk to me anymore oh my kids oh joshy i was giving them some little colonel and finger in his cornhole and he said ma and i said all right i'll finish that oh what a story

so um uh it's this event uh christopher announces that ash is pregnant. And I love when he's like, well, Ashley's going to be expecting a little cradle of her own. And Siggy's like, oh, my God, children. Isn't this incredible? Oh, my God. Circle of life. But I have to say, I'm not going to be there for the birth. Okay. I have to make an announcement.

I will be there. I will be there. I will be there. Chris is like, I am pleased to announce that we will be producing two more really boring people onto this planet. I'm like, oh, yeah. They will be gluten-free and be flavored like kettle corn. Yay. Great job. So then Dolores corners Chris. He's like, hey, so you're going to go to Joe Giudice's going away party? and be flavored like kettle corn. Yay! Great job.

So then Dolores corners Chris and is like, Hey, so you're going to go to Joe Giudice's going away party? He's like, yeah, I think so. She's like, do me a favor. Don't go. Your wife won't be happy. Don't go. You know it's not going to send a good message. Don't go. I'm like, Dolores, say what you will about Joe Giudice. He's going away for four and a half years.

Who knows how he's going to come out of this place. I think it's okay for him to go it's not your business nobody she's no it's not your business lady she's like if jacqueline isn't coming then you shouldn't go joe because imagine what's gonna happen you're gonna go she's gonna stay at home yeah that's usually how it works like if he's gone and she's home like what second imagine what's going to happen. You're going to get into a car. You're going to put a key in. You're going to turn it. The car is going to turn on.

You're going to put the stick in the – well, you know, I don't know if it's automatically stick because who am I to tell you how your car drives? But eventually you're going to drive that car and you're going to be driving a car, Chris. How do you think that makes Jacqueline feel? And then you're going to have to pay $9 because that's how much zoo parking is these days, okay? So you've got to have that in cash. They don't take credit cards, all right? Because if you don't have a credit card, I mean, you better have cash. How do you think Jacqueline's going to feel?

If you go past the toll too quickly, it's going to take a picture of you and send you a ticket in the mail. She's going to open up the mail one day. I don't know where you'll be. Will you be home? Will you be at work? Who knows? She's going to open it. She's going to see a picture. You're going to be alone in a car. And she's going to open up the mail one day. I don't know where you'll be. Will you be home? Will you be at work? Who knows? She's going to open it. She's going to see a picture. You're going to be alone in a car. And she's going to say, where was he going?

I wasn't there. That's how it's going to be. You've been divorced, I think, like twice. So be quiet. So then the show is still not over, even after this little kernel event. Instead, we have Dolores and Tree at a church.

I guess it was like a nothing scene at the end where it's like, oh, Joe's going off to jail. This show has really, really – who – what church lets Real Housewives come in and film a gossip scene? Like this was a bit much for me, okay? And I'm not that much of a holy roller but i was like really you guys a church one of them even said bullshit in there and tree's like well i haven't come here much but i pray at home so dolores is like well to be fair i thought this was the parakeet den i guess we're not in the zoo.

I thought this was the tiki room. So what do I know? What do I know? I thought this is where they had all those snakes and butterflies. When she told Teresa, because she's like, well, you know, after my divorce, you know, it was very difficult. I would say, you know, I would come to church and I would say, Lord, you want to hear about my kitchen? It's old. And Teresa's like, oh, yeah.

Yeah, because because all that you've been through too and dolores just stops talking and she's like yeah because my husband's gonna go to the camps you know it's gonna be hard she goes yes you're gonna be a single ma does the whole this generation here we live in now you know they would have divorced in a second if they you know like if they had problems or troubles they would have said no joe divorce you know but like i don't do it because i'm old school so i'm gonna stay with joe forever because i'm old school unless he cheats on me in which case i'm gonna divorce him he's not gonna get shit go back to italy alone i'm like you're not old school you're from the 80s okay you're like

no school okay everybody uh that brings us to the end fabulous it was such a fun show this thursday is our next show and we're going to be recording an episode about bolo dick and we are going to check in with Million Dollar Listing LA, which we haven't watched in a couple of years. Yeah, and also, aren't we going to sample Reza's show, Yours, Mine, or Ours? Sure. When you say sample, let's agree publicly.

How much is there? I think there are three episodes, so you want to just pick one and watch them? No, just this week's episode. Okay, because I watched a little last night, and he's like, One man lives in New Jersey, Just this week's episode. Okay, because I watched a little last night, and he's like, One man lives in New Jersey, and then his wife lives in Atlanta.

But can he mix his New Jersey chic in with her Atlanta tweak? I was like, oh, just shut up, Reza. It's like Reza reading from a cue card. That's what I saw. I saw him being like, wow, Savannah is a moist city. I'm not used to getting up into moist places. Straight guys are used to getting into moist places, but not me. You know, because straight guys like putting their penis in vaginas, and vaginas are moist. Do you know what I'm saying, girl?

She's like, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. What did I do to get stuck with this idiot? She's like, why couldn't I have had Ty Pennington? Granted, am I right, white girl? Okay, everybody, we'll see you next time. Go to Watch What Crappens for all our links. Hit us up on Patreon.com slash Watch What Crappens for all of our subscriber bonuses. And go over to Facebook.com slash Crappens to talk with us and the other listeners

during live show threads we love you guys love you bye hey prime members you can listen to watch our crappens ad free on amazon music download the amazon music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.