Watch What Crappens - #337: Window Shade

Starting point is 00:00:00 From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

Starting point is 00:00:48 Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the banter blender podcast and joining me is the wonderful hilarious and just almost overwhelmed emotionally ronnie carom from trash talk tv.com and the rose pricks bachelor podcast what's up ronnie hello man you are looking so lovely today thank you where it's hunched over on this table it's our monthly episode recorded at the Improv of Hollywood. Live from the Improv. It's live with our audience of one, Maria, our producer.

Starting point is 00:01:31 Maria! That's her giggling. She's actually, she's already just doodling away. She's writing a love note, I think. She's writing an SOS on an envelope. She's like, get me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. So this is very exciting because we're in person, which always is fun. We're drinking coffee.

Starting point is 00:01:48 And lots of exciting things. First of all, go to WatchYourCrapInns.com and you'll be able to find links to all our social media like Instagram and Snapchat and things like that. If you go to Facebook.com forward slash WatchYourCrapInns, you can like that and then join in on our whole community of Watch What Crappens people. We don't have a name for our fans. We should probably, like, come up with one. I think we talk about this every, like, three months. We're like, what do we call our fans? Crappers?

Starting point is 00:02:14 There's, like, no good way to make up a listener name for this show. Crap. Crap. Watch What's? Watch What's. The Crappers. Crappiness. I don't know. We have to workshop that. Watch what? The watch what? The crappin's. Crappin' is, I don't know. We have to workshop that.

Starting point is 00:02:30 So, but anyway, to join in with the fellow crappiners, go to facebook.com forward slash watch for crappins. Also, you can support us on patreon.com forward slash watch for crappins. At the most basic level, you get access to a weekly bonus episode, which is anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. This week, what did we talk about this week? I don't even remember. We talked about Columbus. Christopher Columbus and Magellan spooning in bed.

Starting point is 00:02:58 It was like coming out day, which really we only talked about in the context of Christopher Columbus coming out on the Mayflower. Mayflower, right? No, those are the pilgrims. No, Nina Pinta and Santa Maria, who we agreed on the bonus episode, sound like three drag queens. So, of course, Christopher Columbus must be gay. But also,

Starting point is 00:03:22 you can do things like contribute to the Krappen's mailbag or the Krappens super fight. Things like that. And we have to give a big shout out to our premium sponsor, Miss Chrissy Dougherty, who has been our sugar mama for months now. She is so wonderful. I'm in love with you. We're obsessed. So anyways, that's all the fun,

Starting point is 00:03:45 groovy stuff. Is there anything else we're supposed to plug at the top of the hour right now? Nope. Just ourselves. That was it, man. That was it. Well, speaking of

Starting point is 00:03:54 the Krappen's mailbag, why don't we get right into the Krappen's mailbag? I'm playing the music, but I'm not sure if the music is coming through. Maria. Maria, can is coming through. Maria. Maria, can you hear music?

Starting point is 00:04:08 Maria. Dong, dong, dong, dong. Maria, will you sing it with a thong? Dong, dong, dong, dong. Oh, you know what it is? Because my laptop is on mute. Sorry, everyone. It's not Maria's fault at all.

Starting point is 00:04:20 We can do it again. It was the acapella version. There it is. Oh, it's so loud. So much is happening. I forgot. I had to mute my laptop because otherwise you'd hear every single notification. Remember that time?

Starting point is 00:04:35 Ding, ding, ding, ding. All right. So there's not a lot in the Krappen's mailbag because I forgot to put up a notice for it um until this morning but we have two questions having a very organized morning it is truly the most organized morning you know it's like the day after yom kippur is always like whoa oh it's yom kippur yesterday which one is that that's the one where you atone when jews you know jews like me i didn't get no sorry well that's that's because you have to learn to take a joke like us jews and be sarcastic okay i got no text from no jews yesterday but thanks where's my sorry text we only answer to god um so yesterday's the day of atonement which also means you have to

Starting point is 00:05:18 fast and then rose gross but then is it a full fast or just like till five or some shit? It's like sundown to sundown, but I sort of cheated a little bit plus for the break fast. My friends and I, we did like an Ina Garten potluck. And so I made a soup. And so I had to taste the soup as I was making it to make sure it was proper. So there was like some... You made an Ina soup? I made an Ina soup. So next, Yom Kippur. I'm going to have to made an Ina soup. So next, Yom Kippur.

Starting point is 00:05:45 I'm going to have to atone for tasting some of the soup during Yom Kippur. Man, it's not really an Ina dinner unless you have some old dude in a bad sweater on a giant Windows laptop in the other room working. While you can come in and be like, Jeffrey, do you like your grilled cheese sandwich on fresh brioche? Jeffrey, do you like your grilled cheese sandwich on fresh brioche? Well, you know, by the way, spoiler alert, I made the cauliflower and celery root soup from her Make It Ahead cookbook, and it is fabulous. Delightful. Delightful. So anyway, that's just a long way of saying that the Krappens mailbag only has three questions in it today.

Starting point is 00:06:23 So let's get to our first question from the Krappens mailbag. Let's do it, man. So, by the way, Ronnie and I are always tempted to speak like NPR. Yeah, I'm not doing it. If I sound like I'm yelling and Ben's in NPR, that's why I cannot hear myself on the headphones. I like hearing myself. I like it because I'm a narcissist. I might talk like that. Hey!

Starting point is 00:06:40 My guess is Sheena. Yeah, old band Sheena. My guess is Sheena. Yeah, an old band Sheena. Okay, so Jackie Flavin says, smells like, for the crew quarters on Below Deck, what do we think the yacht crew quarters smell like on Below Deck? Okay, Below Deck's crew quarters smells like ball cheese and like that woman dressing room smell at Dillard's, like woman butt smell at Dillard's. It's funny because I was going to say something like Velveeta and kelp.

Starting point is 00:07:12 Does Velveeta smell? I guess it does. It has that like runny cheese smell. It probably doesn't, so maybe I'll revise it. But I do still think that there's probably a kelp smell, probably kelp and like Orangina. I'll say wet cardboard. And well, you know, like they actually do have moldy cardboard boxes that they keep dehydrators in or whatever.

Starting point is 00:07:34 So I'll say a moldy cardboard box and like a penny smell. You know, like when you're holding pennies and then you have that metallic smell like that i think it smells i think it smells like fronions and a first grade classroom okay i think it smells like a porta potty because you know when you go on porta potties they don't really flush anywhere yes that's one of their distinctive distinctive attributes i think it actually you know what i think it's sort of it sort of smells a little like caesar salad dressing and baby powder gross but like bottled caesar so it's not even real anchovies it's just like a new invention that's as stinky as an ant and it's not even like newman's own it's like it's not even wishbone it's. It's like, it's not even wishbone. It's some off brand version. That's like only sold in a few supermarkets.

Starting point is 00:08:28 Cause it's some lady who was like peddling her own homemade, like Caesar salad, natural thing. So it's like sold at the whole foods at Santa Monica and Fairfax. And then maybe the sprouts and that's it. And some chicken off the hot bar at Ralph's. And maybe some like gingerbread cookies. When you're making tuna salad and you empty out the tuna water from the can,

Starting point is 00:08:51 but you've also just drained some olives. It's like that mix. But then it's also two days later, and you forgot that all that liquid was just sitting at the bottom of your drain because you haven't run the water enough. So you're like, where did that smell come from? You're like, oh, that's right. I drained tuna two days ago. that's what the below deck recorder

Starting point is 00:09:08 smells like two day old drain tuna can yeah i like when an elephant comes into your studio apartment and then poops and then leaves and then you try and cover it up for months with febreze but it doesn't ever quite go away i feel like it smells like a forgotten corner of the goya bean factory like they forgot like there was like a forgotten corner of the goya bean factory like they forgot like there was like there was some area where there was some water damage on the pinto beans and they just like we've been meaning to clean it up for a while and they forgot and now osha has come in and they're like okay we gotta clean it up poor goya i mean they make such an effort to make an affordable product and this is what happens. It smells like a Goya factory.

Starting point is 00:09:47 I bet that Goya factory smells disgusting. It's got to. Beans do not have a delicious smell. There's no bean in the world that just smells good just for being a bean. Yeah. You know, my least favorite aisle, I think, in a supermarket is the bean aisle. I just feel like it lacks character. Just tons of dried beans. I know, in a supermarket is like the bean aisle. I just feel like it lacks character. Just tons of dried beans.

Starting point is 00:10:07 I know. And they're all in the same package. Everything's like yellow. Yeah. It's all like the beans and rice. It's just all just like grains. Can I ask you a bean question? Yes, please.

Starting point is 00:10:16 How come when you drain beans, okay, you drain them and like wash them. Okay. But why do garbanzo beans get that like soapy bubble action going on of the garbanzo? It seems to only be the chickpeas. What's up with that? I don't know. It probably has something to do with the chemical makeup of the bean. That was my NPR stab.

Starting point is 00:10:38 Okay. I don't know. What's the deal with that bean with Ronnie Karam? Coming to you now on KCRW. Some jazz intro. Today we're going to talk about garbanzo beans. What's the deal with that bean with Ronnie Karam? Coming to you now on KCRW. Some jazz intro. Today we're going to talk about garbanzo beans. What's the deal with it? How many questions do I get to ask in the mailbag, okay?

Starting point is 00:10:52 That's my question. Why do beans have that soapy residue on them? You know, the thing is, I never make beans from scratch. I always just go to the canned beans, always. I usually do make beans from scratch, but man, that's a pain in the ass. You've got to soak it. Well, if you get a pressure cooker, it changes everything apparently. I was just thinking about it today.

Starting point is 00:11:12 You could put like dried garbanzo beans into a pressure cooker, and I think they'll be ready to go in like 45 minutes to an hour. Don't laugh at me. Don't laugh at me because that's an answer that's my answer to what does the cruise smell like it smells like the pressure cooker after 45 minutes of pressurizing garbanzo beans but then you don't you don't take them out right away you just let them sit there and get like cold and then you smell that water yeah garbanzo water yeah old expired garbanzo water is there do you find that there's like a significant difference when you when you do the garbanzo water. Yeah, old expired garbanzo water. Do you find that there's a significant difference when you do the garbanzo beans from scratch versus canned? Yeah, they're smaller.

Starting point is 00:11:52 They're not as uniform. They're different sizes usually. And they come out smaller. They don't puff up as much as the regular garbanzo. And they get drier faster. Well, that sounds worse. They're not as good. I switched to canned for garbanzo and they get drier faster well that sounds worse they're not as good i switched a can for garbanzo i'll still make my own black beans and stuff and that's a terrible thing for an arabic person to admit but i don't care i will use the canned okay i'm i'm perfectly happy with

Starting point is 00:12:17 the cans i just bought two cans of garbanzo beans my people came here for canned beans they're like fuck this it's too hard in lebanon it's always hot i don't have to boil these beans for all these hours let's go to a different country and here we are here we are a land of canned garbanzo beans 89 cents at sprouts everyone 89 cents um all right so i think we clearly answer that one benjamin cohen good old ben ben cohen he says i couldn't think of a good addition to the patreon rewards oh yeah we did ask people and we did get some responses but i forgot to organize those responses about other things for patreon but he says the one that stuck in my head is a monthly body shaming one that came into my head is for five thousand dollars you will both

Starting point is 00:13:01 fly out and do the podcast from a listener's house. Maybe you guys could also sell crappin's teas on Teespring or do a live stream of the podcast recording on Twitch for subscribers at a certain level. Twitch has its own subscriber system. Amazon Prime users get one freebie that pays content creators. I would give mine to you. Oh, okay. You know what's funny? I like how he starts off. What's a what's funny? I like how he starts off. What's a body shaming?

Starting point is 00:13:26 I know, I like how he starts off. He has like all these like legitimate things. He starts off with like, one thing you do is you could body shame someone. Oh, another thing you do is it's like, what? Make fun of someone's muffin top for $10. Hey, give us $20 and we will really make you feel bad about yourself

Starting point is 00:13:48 those are all really good ideas actually i know i actually kind of like the idea of five thousand dollars to fly out to some i would do that for five thousand dollars five thousand dollars to us we'll kill somebody i mean like contract maybe that's what we should do on the mailbag. Is there someone in your life you're sick of? For $5,000 a month on Patreon, we'll murder them one by one. We would literally whore ourselves out. $5,000, we'll do it. I'm going to look into that Amazon Prime situation and the Twitch thing because that's kind of cool. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:14:23 We'll figure something out. But thank you. Our tune-in show is coming to an end next week so you know we have to have 10 things for you to subscribe to at once or we just wouldn't be us yeah um but ben thanks for those um those are good like jumping off places for us and there there are a lot of things we have to work on to make better there's a lot of clicks with the mouse a lot of a lot of things we have to do it's like a lot um mike bowman you know we love mike michael michael uh he lives in wisconsin and he says hey guys my wisconsin i'm not doing his accent by the way

Starting point is 00:15:00 apologies sorry mike hey guys my wisconsin neighbor stepvery, recently got engaged, then disengaged. Which Real Housewives should fight over being his rebound special lady? Oh, man. Well, that's a Vicki Gumbelson boyfriend if I've ever seen one. That guy is textbook Gumbelson. Yeah. For those of you who don't know, Stephen Avery is from… Making a Murderer.

Starting point is 00:15:23 Yeah. How to get away with making a murderer, question mark. Yeah. Yeah. So Stephen... I didn't kill her. She just came over. He is the subject of that documentary on Netflix, which is really great and fun.

Starting point is 00:15:36 And the question is, did he kill this woman, Teresa Halbach, or not? Spoiler alert. You never find out. But you certainly get a few intriguing things to think about. Yeah, I think that's definitely a Vicki Gunvalson situation. Oh, well, you know, he didn't kill Teresa Halbach. How do you know? I'm sorry, but charity for murdered girls called Kill All Murdered Girls.

Starting point is 00:15:56 Wait, no. But, you know, he's in jail. So I just call that a smaller apartment. I have a job. I don't need a man for his money. He's in a small place, so what? Don't judge me. At least he doesn't have to come around the girls where everyone's going to be mean to him all the time.

Starting point is 00:16:11 Oh, look, he left a bloody knife in my bedroom. That's the best part about dating a guy. He leaves things around. See, Brianna? Bloody knife from Stephen Avery. So funny, I was shaking the bookcase and some keys fell off. That's the craziest thing I've ever seen. Oh, God, I've got to get my and some keys fell off. That's the craziest thing I've ever seen.

Starting point is 00:16:29 Oh, God, I got to get my car from back in Stephen Avery's house. It's going to take me a few days to fish it out, but if I find a dead body, I'll let anyone know. Please take my car to the car wash. Because he has all those junky cars in the back. I can actually see a lot of the housewives fighting over him. I can imagine Luann. Would you believe it? I'm getting married to Stephen Avery. He's of the Avery family.

Starting point is 00:16:48 You know, they have this wonderful car empire in Wisconsin. It's amazing. We're getting married on a yacht. Or really, a car. Girls! Listen, Luann, I don't want to be the one to tell you this, but there's some news about Stephen Avery. Please tell me it's not about Stephen Avery.

Starting point is 00:17:01 It's about Stephen Avery. Okay. I don't want to be the one. He may have murdered someone. No, no, no, no. I don't believe it. Well, I know that he couldn't have done that because I was with him Thursday night. It was Wednesday.

Starting point is 00:17:14 Wednesday night. That's what I meant. We were together. We had a fight. So we killed a girl. We were in a fight that night. So I forgive him. Listen, we were at the Plaza Hotel having drinks by the bar oh wait a second i

Starting point is 00:17:27 was there i think he was in wisconsin saying he was up to no good i just can't keep straight we're getting married i have a past he has a past listen we all make mistakes you know one time i accidentally shoplifted a kit kat from D'Agostino's. You know, he may have killed someone. It just happens. If you guys keep bringing this up, you're not invited to the wedding. I hate you. I'm going to die. I'm going to die.

Starting point is 00:17:55 I'm just imagining Luann talking to Steve and Avery's family. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm just afraid i'm gonna miss wrestlemania listen i'd love to talk bethany but tommy toons performing at wrestlemania i gotta go

Starting point is 00:18:13 afterwards we're gonna go to the blue note tommy toon yes i will come to Mexico. Steve and Avery. Wrap that bitch up, man. All right. Put a tie around the old oak tree. All right. I think that's pro-soldier. But hey, I'm not taking it back.

Starting point is 00:18:35 I'm pro-soldier. Wow, that was a fun mailbag. We barely talked about the questions that were asked of us. Garbanzo beans, am I right, you guys? Garbanzo beans. Am I right? Am I right? So today's episode, we will talk about Below Deck.

Starting point is 00:19:01 And then we're going to talk about million-dollar listing Los Angeles. And somewhere in the midst of this, we're also going to talk about Yours, Mine, and Ours. Yours, Mine, and Ours! Because there's a movie called Yours, Mine, and Ours. So if you're looking up, as I was the other day, I was like, when is this on? How many times is this on?

Starting point is 00:19:19 I don't even know, but the movie keeps coming up. And apparently it was good enough that you can still get it off the Pirate Bay. You're like, I really like this new Bravo show. It has, like, Dennis Quaid and a whole family. Isn't it like Dennis Quaid and a family, or Stephen Martin and a whole extended family? The poster, I mean, I only saw it in small form, because I knew it wasn't the right thing. But it's like a wacky family who looks just so tired of each other.

Starting point is 00:19:44 They're, like, all leaning up against, I think, a wall or something. Yeah, I think it might be Steve Martin. Oh, no, it's Dennis Quaid. It's Dennis Quaid. It's Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo. I mean, how did this escape our... Oh, Dennis Quaid. How far we've fallen facially.

Starting point is 00:20:00 Dennis Quaid is one of those people who could use a chip clip on his forehead. Dennis Quaid is one of those people who could use a chip clip on his forehead. The Real Housewife wig shop or whatever. He's got wilting spinach inside. Clip him up. This is hard. I mean, he's so handsome. I don't know. I think he's aged very well.

Starting point is 00:20:17 He looks like a potato chip. Better than Randy Quaid. I think of the Quaid's. Randy Queen. Randy Queen. I didn't do that on purpose. Randy Quaid started out think of the Quaid's. But Randy Queen's. Randy Queen. I didn't do that on purpose. Randy Quaid started out as like the homely brother. He was like, I'm never going to match Dennis, so I'm just going to eat.

Starting point is 00:20:32 Yeah. Which. And now he's crazy. Good for him. He's like certifiably crazy. He's legit nuts now. Oh, yeah. He's got.

Starting point is 00:20:37 What do you do? He's like. I mean, what has. He's like. His beard has gotten huge, which is not in and of itself. I mean, if you were like in West Hollywood, that's crazy. But no, he is like, I think he has some drug issues. He's been arrested a few times recently.

Starting point is 00:20:51 He's doing crazy protests. He's lost his mind. What's he protesting? I don't know. He's basically turned into his character from Independence Day. I hope he protests the Reza show. Yours, mine, or ours? He's like, this is just an embarrassment to this country

Starting point is 00:21:06 here we go from trailer trailer home to trailer home it's like the first time i've ever like totally been behind randy quaid and it's nothing real i'm like i'm so with him now i hate that show too you really you really should look into randy quaid i think you'd be really um surprised to see the the telegraph has actually a story from this summer called The Sad Strange Saga of Independence Day Hero Randy Quaid. And I'm sure that details all the... Oh my god, is that him? That's him. He looks like Sir Elton Newton.

Starting point is 00:21:34 He looks like he discovered something a long time ago. Sir Elton Newton Gravity Einstein. Yeah. If it weren't for the men's warehouse jacket, I would think that that's from like a million years ago. And he has a telescope and he's discovering things. He got arrested in 2010 for burglary. Like weird shit. Weird, weird shit.

Starting point is 00:21:55 I mean, it's kind of terrifying now. I do like his glasses. Yeah. Like your glasses. Okay, let's get on with this. Let's get on. I mean, because this is more interesting than yours, mine, or ours. So, oh, wait.

Starting point is 00:22:06 Should we do our raffle now? The raffle? The raffle? The actual thing now? Pick the thing? Yeah. No, let's not pick it yet. We'll pick it at the end of the episode.

Starting point is 00:22:16 Okay, sure. Because we said last Thursday we would announce, we'd do the raffle this Thursday. Oh, okay. We'll do it at the end of the episode. Okay. If we remember. If not, the suspense will just linger to the next episode. Sorry, suckas.

Starting point is 00:22:26 So let's start with Below Deck. Shall we? Below Deck. It's a very dramatic episode. Very, very, very dramatic. Very dramatic. You know because it starts out with, Guys, you're over the reef.

Starting point is 00:22:37 You're over a reef. You're over a reef, guys. There's a reef. It's like, dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun. Reefer Madness. And girls on a blow-up boat. They're like, ha-ha, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun And they were like, sorry. I did like a shimmy. And so his arm was dangling. And they're like, Kyle, what's wrong with Kyle?

Starting point is 00:23:11 Something's wrong with Kyle. So we had to wait a whole week to find out what was wrong with Kyle. You know what's so sad? We did this last week. I took notes. We're doing it this week. I took notes. I don't even know what you're talking about. Did you not see Kyle's saga?

Starting point is 00:23:23 What happened with Kyle? Well, it's a testament to the show that they made us wait a week, and then it was resolved in 30 seconds. And basically he came out and he's like, I'm dislocated. And they're like, Lauren, go fix it. And so Lauren's like, okay, I can do that. And she's like, his arm's back. And he's like, yeah, you know, it happens three times a year. No big deal.

Starting point is 00:23:43 I'm like, we waited a whole week. We his like arm had fallen off he was dead he was bitten by a shark or something like that and just like oh no you know i'll send it you know just like a shoulder so you know just got to pop it right back in you know like that is some below deck quality drama right there like oh my god the swiffers are all dry? Anybody know where we can get a Swiffer refill? Coal land. What happened to our garbanzo water? Captain Lee was on a tear this episode, though. It was kind of hilarious. But then we got to the big drama that was at least as written in the episode description, which was, the episode description was like,

Starting point is 00:24:20 a near-death accident causes the entire crew to think about their lives all over again oh my good and so their previous lives flashed before their eyes they're like i remember when i was a maid at the plaza i remember when i was a maid at the best western i remember when i was a maid at that old saloon in 19 whatever were there saloons in that time there are there've always been saloons we are in a saloon practically we actually are maybe that's been saloons. We are in a saloon, practically. We actually are. Maybe that's where it came from. It's like a saloon set in here.

Starting point is 00:24:49 Yeah. It's like we're in Westworld. Oh, I didn't watch this week. But hotter. Yeah. We're like in a non-Western Westworld. We're just sort of like in world. We're in world.

Starting point is 00:24:59 We're just in world. I would love if Westworld was just like full of Stassis. Like, hi, welcome to your fantasy. I'm obsessed with your fantasy right now. It might as well be the way they repeat themselves like those damn robots. The robots live their same life every day, and every season we get Stassi in a giant necklace going like, seriously? So these girls, as you were mentioning, they're drunk.

Starting point is 00:25:20 They're on some inflatable boat being tugged around, going crazy, having fun. It's a huge rock. Watch out. It's a reef. It's a reef. It's a reef. Jaws might as well have been swimming around these. I know.

Starting point is 00:25:33 Your boat went over a reef. And there's Al-Qaeda, too, and ISIS. Be careful. ISIS in the water. Yeah, seriously, they were acting like Jaws was. It was The Shallows, part two. They heard among us. It looks like an ocean, but there's really a reef. So the girls, their boat like flipped over.

Starting point is 00:25:52 And then there was so much editing. It was like a Michael Bay movie. There was so much frenetic editing that you couldn't tell what was going on. They had flipped over and then they were rushing to get them in the boat. And then the waves were coming like, oh no. I mean, it was like you thought like, did like a carnival cruise line to come barreling down and run them over like what was happening it was so intense it's like the equivalent of a baby trying to step into a baby pool at the regular pool and everyone's like oh my god the baby's

Starting point is 00:26:17 going into a baby pool it'll be fine there's like it's like six inches of water in there yeah so nico jumped off and the girls were getting thrashed around. Fully clothed. I can save them. The reef. And then they made it look like the girls were being thrashed around, but they were just sort of like washed up onto the shore a little bit. And there was like, there were like some guppies that were swimming around. It was like, it was insane.

Starting point is 00:26:41 Like a diet Coke can floats by. And the music was like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. It was insane. Like a diet Coke can floats by. And the music was like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And when they finally got these women back onto a boat, the girls were like, yeah, I got a cut on my foot. And it's like a little tiny, maybe nickel-sized scrape that she's got on her foot. It's like, yeah, it's okay.

Starting point is 00:26:58 You all right? You all right, girls? You okay? Everybody all right? Everybody okay? Okay. Whenever something happens to one of the people on our cruise, it's all of our fault. Because we are here to provide some good, clean, wholesome, safe fun with rules. Lots of rules.

Starting point is 00:27:16 Kelly, why did you put the goddamn coral reef in the ocean right there? I told you not to do that. It's supposed to be where we put our critter-free pool. Kelly, get your goddamn reef out of there. Kelly's got his second chance and there he goes, letting a little floaty pool go over a reef. Someone could have died. Hey there, tropical fish, you got a one-way ticket to another

Starting point is 00:27:33 reef. That's what I'm saying. Get out of there. Second chances lead to murders. That's why there's a death row, people. So then, once this near-death experience is over and done with, at which point now the episode description has reached its completion, and we're 30 seconds in.

Starting point is 00:27:54 Did they peak too soon? I demand safety. I got condoms in my tennis shoes. Sockless tennis shoes. So with no more reef drama to be found, Captain Lee, he was just in a mood this episode. Like, this was an episode that was all about like salty windows and people not on the radio.

Starting point is 00:28:14 So he's like, Captain Lee to the interior. Captain Lee to the interior. And like Sierra's sitting there like dreaming about juice. And Kate is like texting with Ro. And Emily is like, I don't know, reading Jane Austen or something, which is what I'm doing. Did I tell you that I'm reading Jane Austen? Did I mention that in the podcast? You are?

Starting point is 00:28:34 Which one? Pride and Prejudice. I've never read it before. Pretty good. Bridget Jones's Diaries Better. Just saw Bridget Jones got pregnant or whatever the hell it's called. I just saw that Lizzie. What's Lizzie's last name in pride and prejudice again i'm reading it i can't remember borden lizzie they're like why can't we just get lizzie borden to be happy already well lizzie what's her face

Starting point is 00:28:57 lizzie motherfucker is into mr darcy and there's been a huge misunderstanding and honestly i'm like really stressed out by this stupid book because those people in olden times couldn't ever act on their emotions. And they also wore the same thing so much of the time. Like so much. They had those big, huge clothes made out of couch material. And I feel like they had to wear the same thing. When my dad used to go to business meetings as a kid and I had to tag along, I just remember

Starting point is 00:29:19 that smell of like old man suits. Yeah. That you know that they just wear all the time. Like that musty, musty, musky, musk must. I, Elizabeth Bennett, of course, the Bennett sisters. There's a lot of drama pertaining to pianofortes in that book, I've noticed. Yeah, there you go.

Starting point is 00:29:36 I'm like really into it. That's a Jane Austen book for you. So anyway, Captain Lee's trying to, no one's answering and he's getting mad. Anyone got their radio? Anyone got their radio? Anyone got their radio? Ah, goddammit. Just like a bunch of balls dragging on the ground.

Starting point is 00:29:51 Paging the Reef. Is anyone... Ariel? Is there... Ariel? Are you there on the Reef, Ariel? Any of your sisters? Are there no marines around?

Starting point is 00:30:00 Squawk, squawk, squawk. My favorite... Ursula? My favorite drama of this whole season the recurring drama what do you call it when it just weaves through i'm not stone i can't come up with anything today i would say a recurring drama or a runner okay yeah the episode long drama my favorite one this season is captain lee and his fucking radios there is the one where he can't find a radio then there it's always like,

Starting point is 00:30:25 where's my radio? I'm on the radio. Why aren't people answering the radio? Radio, radio. Reef. Reef break. Reef drama.

Starting point is 00:30:31 Radio, radio, radio, radio. If I have to hear that song one more time, Video Killed the Radio Star, I swear I'm going to just capsize this entire ship. That's just not fair. Radio is going to serve

Starting point is 00:30:38 an important purpose in our lives. Radio is going to kill the video star. That's how important radio is. I'll tell you what was a good movie, Radio Days by Woody Allen. He really got it.

Starting point is 00:30:49 Unfortunate what happened there. But it was all our faults. But I did not care for the Cuba Gooding Jr. movie, Radio. I like Radio Days, but not radio. Okay? Radio flyers are just little wagons that people put little spotted dogs in. Whatever happened to WKRP in Cincinnati anyway? I've tried to tune into that radio station so many times, I never find it.

Starting point is 00:31:06 News radio, Vicky Lewis, what a lady. Class act. So he's going around, so finally he gets Sierra, and she's like, what? He's like, what? You know what? I don't know if it's the coffee or just being faced with you, but I am cracking up with everything you're doing today. What? Weird moods today.

Starting point is 00:31:31 But that damn Sierra is so stupid. I love her blank. What? What's going on? Like, where's the radio? Why didn't anybody got the radio? Oh, well, I was told it was a ham radio, and I'm not really into meat these days.

Starting point is 00:31:44 I'm about to go ham on you. How about that? As in a ham sandwich. How's it worth the take to get a ham sandwich around here these days? Do I have to do everything around here? Oh, you asked for a ham sandwich 30 minutes before you want a ham sandwich. Okay, that sounds professional. want to have a sandwich. Okay, that sounds professional.

Starting point is 00:32:03 So basically, because of this whole mess up with the boat, he wants everyone to have a series of painkillers. Apparently, in the Caribbean, a very popular drink, mixed drink, is something called a painkiller. Also Florida, where he's from. Like, ah, everyone get a painkiller. And he expects everybody

Starting point is 00:32:20 to know what the hell that is. Well, I guess at this point, everyone's been in the Caribbean now for a few weeks. Everyone knows what a painkiller is. So he tells Sierra, he's like, why don't you make a batch of painkillers? You know what a painkiller is? She's like, oh yeah, sure.

Starting point is 00:32:30 And she goes, and she brings back a giant thing of Tylenol. Yeah, she brings out like a big, gigantic Costco brand ibuprofen. She's like, all right, so who wants some pills? He's like, no, no, no. And even Captain Lee,

Starting point is 00:32:43 it's so, it's so, she's so dumb that even captain lee has to laugh at it yeah because then you see like a little montage of her trying to figure out where the blender is and how to put the top on the blender and like does ice go in the blender before after the juice should i fresh squeeze this juice like just hand me the goddamn thing yeah captain lee actually made the cocktails cocktails. I think this was a first on the show where Captain Lee made cocktails because one of his

Starting point is 00:33:10 stews was just too incompetent. It's also, he's so old school, he's like, ah, the girl can't do it. I'll just do it for the girl. He's like, there you go, Tuts. He didn't give her any shit. He's like, and that's a painkiller. She's like, okay, I'll put a little rum. And he's like, no, no, here's how you do it. He pours the her any shit. He's like, and that's a painkiller. She was like, okay, I'll put a little rum.

Starting point is 00:33:26 And he's like, no, no, here's a... He pours the whole bottle in. All right, so when should I put in the aspirin? Is that a painkiller, not a pussy stroker? So then, just when Captain Lee's radio woes couldn't get any worse, he is trying to reach Kelly. And Kelly is in the bathroom being hot you know doing what he does um wearing that like skin tight blue shirt where it's like oh kelly so um so then captain's like captain lita kelly captain lita kelly anyone have eyes on kelly radio radio radio radio i'm like yes

Starting point is 00:33:58 the whole internet has eyes on kelly okay and it's the same dick pic from like three years ago, and we can't get our eyes off. New pic, please. So, finally he finds Kelly. He's just getting more and more angry. He wants to move the boat because it's a little choppy. And I'm like, Ben is like,

Starting point is 00:34:19 Captain's worried that my crème brûlée is not going to set level. We almost killed them on a reef and now they're going to have a flat brulee. That's the captain and Ben's baby right there. When the brulee is not flat, it's always your fault.

Starting point is 00:34:36 Another round of painkillers. People expect us to take care of their brulees. I mean, flat brulee is all of our faults. It's a team. Leave no brulee flat behind Kelly's trying to flirt with Emily and it's the funniest thing Emily's really cute and everything I mean for a girl Harry Potter like she's very cute and everything but she's one of the most sexless people I've ever seen and mostly I think it's just her Brit thing she's like would you like to read a book together

Starting point is 00:35:02 she'll go home like literally doing this on her heart where she's like my heart's a flutter like she's that kind of girl you know she is a little bit like elizabeth bennett if we may make a pride and prejudice callback you know she's like she stands her ground she doesn't just like fall for any man that presents himself to her she's she's sarcastic you know i mean i don't know how present prejudice ends i think i know how Pride and Prejudice ends. I think I know how it's going to end. They all die. They die from consumption. Bridget Jones gets a weird facelift and then randomly has a baby ten years later. And everyone's like, what's this a sequel to? It's too old.

Starting point is 00:35:41 There's no Mr. Darcy on this boat. That's the thing. You need to have a Pride and Prejudice. There has to be a Darcy. And there's no Darcycy on this boat. That's the thing. You need to have a Pride and Prejudice. There has to be a Darcy. And there's no Darcy's on this boat. Yeah. Well, maybe Trevor could have been Mr. Darcy because everyone hated him. And now I'm at the part of Pride and Prejudice spoiler where people are like, wait a second.

Starting point is 00:35:57 Wait, Mr. Darcy is actually awesome. Yeah. And he's a barrister. Maybe Trevor is secretly awesome. And we didn't realize because we have pride and prejudice. I finally got it. Did you have the Hugh Grant character, though? What's his name? Daniel?

Starting point is 00:36:14 I thought that was Incense and Sensibility. Oh, for Christ's sake. Which I love that movie. With your and titles. I know. It's really actually quite a lot. Is that a Jane Austen? Yeah, they're both.

Starting point is 00:36:24 Yeah, I never read that but i saw that movie and i loved that movie i have to say i really loved howard's and end howard's and um actually i think that ben would have to be mr darcy right because he's the one who's like tough and prickly and he's the one that like you know he's been saying things about emily all season so if they wind up together they are definitely pride and prejudicing. For sure. Yes. I have to finish the book so I can make sure my metaphor pans out properly. When they all die on a reed.

Starting point is 00:36:51 When they all die with painkillers. So Kelly is flirting with Emily and he's like, yeah, there's like some weird energy with us. I can tell by her body language. Like her body language. She's looking for the exits and twirling her hair like she does she's like anywhere anywhere she's like stuck in her room she's trying to conjure up fantasies of clotted cream and yorkshire pubs exactly she's like i wonder how he can make a bed in the morning yeah so then there's anchor drama which is my favorite kind of drama on the show when they're

Starting point is 00:37:22 like all right let's get that anchor up and And there's, like, issues with the hand signals because, like, Nico and Lauren don't know how to do the hand signals. And Captain Lee is just going, he's just getting angrier and angrier. And he's like, you guys look like Moe, Larry, and Curly up there. Which is a compliment. Just leave Curly. The other ones come up.

Starting point is 00:37:40 Is this the one where he made Lauren do the limb? No, that was later in the episode. This was the setup that that happened because he was watching this and he was getting angry. Like, what are we doing? I don't know. From the way we're talking about this show, I can't believe they did it in 40 minutes. This is like an epic miniseries. It takes place over decades and like multiple children.

Starting point is 00:37:59 This episode did not actually have a huge narrative arc. It was just like a lot of scenes of things happening, which I'm fine with, because I actually really enjoy the immersive quality of the show, feeling like I'm on the yacht, watching everything happening. But then the next thing that's happening is that Kyle is just really crushing on Sierra.

Starting point is 00:38:17 He's like, you know what? She's fucking essence. She's fucking essence. She's essence. If you could only put it in a bottle and sell it it's what i'll say i'll sell the bottle over what's your name sierra storm name is sierra storm whenever a light occurs at nine you better position yourself it's about to be a storm and she's like you can tell she's into it because she's doing her favorite thing like working the iron but instead of burning a sheet she's hold did you thing, like working the iron. But instead of burning a sheet, she's holding,

Starting point is 00:38:45 did you notice how she held the iron? She held it up to her face and she was like. From Wondery, this is Black History for Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that

Starting point is 00:39:13 we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real

Starting point is 00:39:36 on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List,

Starting point is 00:40:10 Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world

Starting point is 00:40:32 of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Ron is making a face right now.

Starting point is 00:40:52 She's posing with this big open mouth face and the point of the iron about to hit her. I was like, if this bitch starts ironing her own face. Yeah, she's like, this is an interesting cigar. She's like, this podcast, it's so funny how this podcast keeps talking about me it's like no that's kyle who's talking to you it's not a podcast um and so then uh so then the big news for kate is that um her girlfriend roe is going to come to visit and i like that when she announced it ben just drops a creme brulee after all that work of moving the boat to get a flat brulee he goes and drops a fucking

Starting point is 00:41:25 brulee might as well just gone and made them on a reef somewhere um the sound of him that's the sound of that's what it sounds like inside ben's head when he ah darling um so then uh meanwhile kyle is i really should have organized my notes a little bit better i'm just sort of like Falling toots. Honey pie. So then, meanwhile, Kyle is... I really should have organized my notes a little bit better. I'm just sort of like... I'm just following you. I'm like, have fun. So Kyle is now talking to Kelly about Sierra.

Starting point is 00:41:56 And it's actually... I mean, if you want to talk about locker room talk, they're wiping down... You know I do. Don't start bringing up the debates, because you know I'll go there for like three hours long screaming and ranting no no no no we're not touching the debates rewind rewind we're touching the we're touching the yacht so it was locker room talk really you were abusing women on the anderson cooper i love you i love you america

Starting point is 00:42:20 well speaking of locker room talk kyle tells ke that he's going to go after his essence, Sierra. And he's like, I'm going to go in with no wellingtons. And Kelly's like, what's a wellington? He's like, condoms. I'm like, ew. That is disgusting. I didn't even hear that. Yeah, he said he basically wants to hook up with Sierra bareback.

Starting point is 00:42:40 When you're a celebrity, you don't need your wellingtons. Rattling about the pussy. When you're a celebrity jackhand who't need your wellingtons. Rattin' by the pussy. When you're a celebrity deckhand who has a shoulder that gets dislocated, you don't need... You could just grab him by the pussy and just get in with no wellingtons.

Starting point is 00:42:55 Oh my god, can Donald Trump just please start talking in Kyle voice? That would be amazing. Or could Donald Trump be a deckhand? Because that would also be amazing. It's a disaster! It's a disaster. It's a disaster. It's a disaster. The windows are salty.

Starting point is 00:43:10 I know it. You know it. Everyone knows it. The windows are a disaster. This is a terrible, this charter is a disaster. I've been a captain for 30 years. And you've been a terrible captain for 30 years. 30 years of failure.

Starting point is 00:43:25 I think actually Donald Trump would be a hilarious yacht captain on this show. He would probably just like flirt with all the stews. He'd be like, oh, Emily, you're looking good. Hello, Emily. And then just be an asshole. How you doing, honey? Oh, gosh. Kate texting back and forth.

Starting point is 00:43:44 Wait, are we there yet? I'm just putting Kate texting back and forth is hilarious because she's such a little girl. All she's thinking about is her FaceTime. She's walking around like, is my FaceTime working? That's all she can think about, like texting this road chick. And Ben is getting so jealous. He's like, this raw person, she should leave that on the dock. He goes, is she really six feet tall? She's like, this royal person, she should leave that on the dock. He goes, is she really six feet tall?

Starting point is 00:44:08 She's like, yes. Yes, she is. I was really hoping that Ben and Kate would fight more this episode. I was so in the mood for it. Oh, it's coming. I know. I mean, they did have some persnickety things, but Dom was watching with me, and I really wanted him to see Kate in her prime being really, really, really bitchy because I knew he would love it. Well, she did at one point.

Starting point is 00:44:27 She did. He's like, well, I would have rather you told me about dinner three hours ago. I'm like, I am not going to listen to this. I'm not in the mood for this. Okay, bye. And she just walks off, and he's just standing in the kitchen yelling at her, but she is gone. I love that. Well, because Kate and Ben were fighting.

Starting point is 00:44:43 So the thing was that after everyone came back and they were drunk they passed out and the thing was that they had you know a typical stupid argument where ben's like oh don't be a third and then he's like then kate was like i think that nine nine would be better you know because they're drunk i think they should have dinner whenever they want to have dinner and he's like so then so then the guests start to wake up at 8.30, and so then Kate tells Ben, like, all right, so dinner will be at 9. And he's like, oh, 30 minutes of advance preparation. That's real professional, Ken. And that's when they start to fight.

Starting point is 00:45:17 And then the captain's getting mad. I just have captains getting mad. I don't know why. The captain was just getting mad. He's mad. I think he saw the salty windows at this point. I've been looking at salty windows for three days now. Yeah, he was, the captain's anger was hilarious in this

Starting point is 00:45:33 because it just kept coming out of nowhere. And I think it's because they told him he had to leave the captain's room or whatever the hell you call it, the steering wheel, if you will, whatever it is. They're like, you cannot just stay up there the entire season. Why not? It's what I do. I'm just going to keep an eye on the road, whatever it is. They're like, you cannot just stay up there the entire season. Why not? That's what I do. I'm just going to keep an eye on the road, Barry and Larry. It's the only place with

Starting point is 00:45:49 clean windows. Am I right? Am I right? Which is true. Kelly knows how to kiss a bed, I mean. Those windows were the only clean ones. We're in the captain's. No one plans on the captain walking around the boat. It's weird. He was restless. He was really he was... Oh, here I am out of my room. Great's weird. He was restless. He was really, he was, he was.

Starting point is 00:46:05 Oh, here I am, out of my room. Great, can't see a thing. Dust, it's dusty. Well, that's just flipping fantastic. It's like dragging pickles on the ground. I like to also, somewhere in the middle of this, Kyle was saying something, and it was, his accent was so thick

Starting point is 00:46:19 that they just subtitled it as like, Chet-wa-ga-blah. He's like, Chet-wa-ga-blah. It sounded like he's being fast-forwarded on like a podcast so there's noticed at one part i hope this isn't the part you already talked about but he was talking about how he wants to bang sierra storm and he's like i might i don't need to die i'll just want a little like started humping the air. And then they cut to Sierra and she's like, Yeah, like, some guys are just more rugged.

Starting point is 00:46:52 It's like really nice. I didn't notice that. Is that when he goes, she's a bit of all rot? She's a bit of all rot? He's just rugged. You know, it's like, you know know some juices are thicker than others you know a baby's gonna be named wellington i love that kind of beef i mean i can only have it on a cheat day but still and i don't even really eat beef but i like the way it looks um so there's like

Starting point is 00:47:19 a white party everyone loves the food um and then kelly um takes off his shirt in front of emily which that's his big seduction technique he's like hey he did earn it i wish you know that's how i get homeless people to you know like that's how i get homeless people off my stoop i take off my shirt you know we all find different powers when we take off our shirt um so what was this? Kate on the phone with Ro, finally. She's FaceTiming with Ro. And what happened with, what did Ro do? Because she's like, you're like the only one who's not upset with me. It's crazy.

Starting point is 00:47:54 And she's like, oh, I'm just being supportive, but I'm pissed. So here's the thing. Because Ro later surprised Kate. Her whole thing was like, yeah, I can't come visit this weekend, even though I'm supposed to. Something came up, so I can't come. And Kate's like, okay. And Rose's like, oh. Most people would be really upset, and you don't seem upset. And Kate's like,

Starting point is 00:48:14 well, in case you don't know, I keep my emotions inside. And also, I'm just being supportive of you, which I think... You'll know I'm upset when you realize that all your times are flat, and you don't know why. Well, just look at the towel formation on your bed. Then you'll see how upset I am. When you wash your hair and it turns out there's been air in your shampoo and your hair all falls out and I've changed the locks on the door, you'll know I'm upset.

Starting point is 00:48:37 Yeah. I don't like that quality in someone where they do something like that. And they're like, well, why aren't you upset? quality in someone where they do something like that and they're like well why aren't you upset it's like well i would be like if it were me if i had if i said oh sorry i can't be there this weekend because i have an obligation and that person was upset i'd be annoyed like no you don't understand like i i want to be there like like i would prefer you not to be upset so i think that kate's reaction being supportive was a good reaction well really overdramatic crazy people they want especially that gigantic they're so dramatic everybody in their life is usually like oh here comes the drama

Starting point is 00:49:12 queen yeah and so they can't get it's like a challenge to get to somebody yeah with the cold interior like me i'm surrounded by people who are like poking poking why aren't you mad why aren't you mad and then they get bigger and bigger and then finally one day you know you just push them yeah off of a ceiling you know off the ceiling you're sightseeing and you just push and they fall down a mountain or whatever yeah you know you push and you push and you push well what was it well what show were we talking about the other day where they're like you push and you push and push and eventually some oh it was New Jersey. Keep abusing the dog.

Starting point is 00:49:47 The dog's going to bite you. She's like a shelter dog. Okay. So nothing much else happened that night except the guests got into a hot tub and started making farm noises. And then the next morning, Captain Lee, now it's like Dirty Windows, and Captain Lee, I mean, he has like, you know, like that cartoon where you start to turn red and so it's good. He's just, he can't deal with it.

Starting point is 00:50:07 Yeah, that's been, the salty windows has been on his mind. And he's like, well, I'm going to go to sleep and I'm going to put my trust in Kelly. When I wake up in the morning, he's going to know that I'm mad about salty windows and he'll have taken care of it. Okay. Salty windows is also a Mary Chapin Carpenter song

Starting point is 00:50:23 that never made it to air. Salty windows on my yacht every morning. Clean them salty windows, but I can't because I'm alone. I like that Kelly stood up. He's like had his big stand-up moment. The captain's like, hey, Kelly, come on up here. Radio, radio, radio, radio, radio, radio. He's like, yes, captain.

Starting point is 00:50:44 What about these windows hey kelly we look out the same windows you and me huh we both look out the same like this is actually like such a romantic scene i've seen the same sky through brown eyes that you see through blue now that's a uh that's like a vince what's his face song now what's his name that's like a Vince What's-His-Face song now. What's his name? That's from the Huckleberry Finn musical called whatever. I don't remember. Who cares? It's over now.

Starting point is 00:51:11 They were also floating around. It's called Raftin. The song's called Raftin. Just you and me, Raftin. Raftin along. Hey, we see the same thing out of these windows. What do you see? He's like a beautiful world

Starting point is 00:51:26 No! Salt! I like to think that the Below Deck musical It's like Captain Lee on one side of the stage There's a single spotlight on him Being like We look through the same windows And all I see is salt And then like Kelly's on the other stage

Starting point is 00:51:40 The spotlight comes on him We look through the same windows And all I see is the interior not doing their job why do we see such different things and they come together and hold hands in the middle when we look through the same windows they put their hands up against each other on the window there's so many things that i see but so many things i don't know. Which harkens back to Luann marrying the guy from Making a Murderer. We're done! Yeah, you know Luann would live to do that Susan Sarandon dead man walking thing where she puts her finger

Starting point is 00:52:16 up on the glass. I feel you, Steve. Steve and Avery, I feel you right now. That movie was so infuriating. I'm like, kill him! Just shoot him! Who cares? Why are you wasting taxpayers' money hanging? Would you believe it? They killed my husband. Right before we're gonna get married. Luanne? Luanne? I don't want to be the one to have to tell you this, but they

Starting point is 00:52:37 executed your fiancé. What? No, I can't. I'm gonna throw up. Right after I found out that he wasn't an Avery from the Avery staple fortune how could it be so stupid killing someone in public so there was a window fight and kelly's like uh look this is the interior captain this is the interior i take care of the exterior he's like oh really you want to go up is this the war you want to go in there was a stupid fight for kelly i mean kelly it's the captain like you want to be a freedom fighter this the war you want to go in? That was a stupid fight for Kelly. I mean, Kelly, that's the captain. You want to be a freedom fighter or a freedom fry?

Starting point is 00:53:08 Decide right now, Kelly. I'm going to have your ass two ways from Sunday. I'll tell you what's a window pan. You are. You're a window pan in my ass, Kelly. Disregard the fact that there's a reef right over there. He has got Kelly to the point where Kelly has another chance. And so anything you say to kelly he's like

Starting point is 00:53:25 yes sir like he smarted off a little bit but even after that he's like i'm gonna string you up like a whatever well it's on a christmas tree and he's like yes captain yes sir so well you can't get to him so he goes after the week one well i was gonna say though that by the way when kelly the whole thing is that captain lee said i've been liking liking this crap for, you know, three days. And Kelly, he goes, you can see all of a sudden this, like, rage bubbles up in Kelly. And he gets that look where he says, actually, look at this. And he touches the window to show that it's, like,

Starting point is 00:53:55 shit on the inside. But he has that moment that, you know, when you get so, like, it bubbles up on you and you take a stand and you're so nervous that you look like you're about to cry. That's what happened to Kelly. And I really liked it. Kelly has, like, kind of a pouty face, like he's going to cry that's what happened to kelly and i really liked it kelly has like kind of a patty face like he's gonna cry yeah he's like yeah yeah i'll hug you come close he starts to whine and he says that captain lee is playing favorites with the interior and he says that captain lee is scared of kate

Starting point is 00:54:20 now i i think everyone should be scared of kate but i actually don't think that captain lee is scared of kate i think that kate just does her job like kate has actually i think almost never been wrong on and we're not just saying that because we know kate we love her i don't think she's ever been wrong on the show ever right i don't know i don't remember it's a long time i didn't even know that kyle had a dislocated shoulder who are you asking i just don't think she's ever messed up which is why lee has never really come down on her well but he kelly's right that that is an interior job and he's like cleaning the exterior of the boat but then that is case and he is right that the captain favors kate so he's not going to go be like kate now listen here you're about to get your butt kicked all the way

Starting point is 00:54:58 to he's not going to do that but because kate has but kate has earned that favor that's what i'm saying but the thing was that captain lee is like okay okay, oh, you want to fuck with me? So then he takes Kelly downstairs. He points at all the salty windows. There are all these windows with salt on them. And Kelly has to be like, okay, sir, yes, sir. Yes, sir, yes, sir. Yes, sir, yes, sir.

Starting point is 00:55:15 I was cringing. So he starts the cleaning or whatever. And then Captain is like, that's it. I'm taking it out on that one which is poor thing no one knows her name he's like whatever that girl's been up since six in the morning what's she done i saw her walk around a little bit and i did nothing put some put some brooms on her shoes so at least we'll get a clean deck yeah that's because when he when captain woke up that morning he like went down to the galley and he saw like where the crew quarters and he

Starting point is 00:55:44 saw like a salty window and then he saw lauren eating like a bowl of cereal and then he like went down to the galley and he saw like other crew quarters and he saw like a salty window and then he saw lauren eating like a bowl of cereal and then he like looked at the window and then looked at lauren then looked at the window then looked at lauren and like the more he did it the more angry he got so now he's like all right coming up there was no cereal guess what no salty windows either correlation or causation get that frosted flake off the window. You know what I like about cornflakes? No minerals. No deposits on them. It's just a cornflake. No sugar.

Starting point is 00:56:11 No salt. And they're not goddamn oatmeal. God, I've had enough of that. You know what? From now on, nothing but total. So... Get your kicks. On Route 66, right?

Starting point is 00:56:24 In a bowl. Keep your kicks in a bowl. Get them off. On Route 66, right? In a bowl. Keep your kicks in a bowl. Get them off my window. You know what? I'm going to teach you something about life. It has nothing to do with the cereal. All right? We're going to do an anchor exercise.

Starting point is 00:56:33 So he, Captain Lee decides, so now he's going to school everyone. So he's like, I want to show you guys what I see when I'm up here. So he makes Lauren do this anchor exercise thing, whatever. And she has to do it alone, which apparently she's never done. It's a big deal. And so everyone is upstairs watching her. He makes the other deckhands come up and watch. And she doesn't know what she's doing.

Starting point is 00:56:55 She has no idea. And she's like wiggling her fingers. Doing jazz hands. She's just coming up. She's like making little puppets with her hands. She's like, look, this puppet is saying come up. And he's like, what the hell is she doing? And she's like, I can't believe I've been singled out.

Starting point is 00:57:09 I mean, it's like the first time put on the spot. It's like, I'm giving her a British accent, but whatever. But she's Australian. Yeah, I see. But I was like, I don't know. I kind of didn't feel bad for her. I'm like, there's been a few charters. You actually should know anchor signals by this point, right?

Starting point is 00:57:23 I mean, it's not crazy. I mean, I guess. What are you, pantomiming or hitchhiking in a lake what the hell are you doing down there i don't know how could you leave me like this all alone you ran me over with the bus yeah so then um then she gets mad at kelly because she's like i can't believe you what was that about why would you do that why would you hang me out to draw what's all this about okay he's like listen he's been on my ass and then they hug and all this all this he's like don't say i wasn't there for you of course i was there for you i'm always there for you now don't walk away from me come back here and get a hug you're gonna hug me he was like yell hugging it's like you guys did not just survive the titanic okay

Starting point is 00:58:04 kathy bates is like the guys did not just survive the Titanic. Kathy Bates is like the only one not going down. So then the guests leave, right? I think at this point the guests leave. Did I skip over anything? Oh, I got 20 pages in this. Tie her up. I don't care.

Starting point is 00:58:19 Okay. What the hell am I even talking about? Like seriously, pages and pages. Who cares? Someone empties the mop water um so the guests leave there's a tip meeting carl take off your hat during the tip meeting oh you mean my wellington um get your sperm off my face too wellington so the bad news is that there's going to be a slide. They brought a slide onto the yacht, so we know how much they hate doing the slide.

Starting point is 00:58:50 But the good news is that the crew is going to have the whole day to themselves at a resort called, was it called like Scrub Island? Yeah, Scrubs, which I mean, sorry guys, but it's kind of fitting. I really actually like all the guys on the show this time, but kind of fitting. Yeah. So it's the day off. So now it's kind of fitting. I really actually like all the guys on the show this time, but kind of fitting. Yeah. So it's the day off. It's now it's the day off. They all got their tip. And guess who shows up on the boat?

Starting point is 00:59:13 Ro. Yeah. Ro comes marching down that thing. I was like, she's terrifying. I mean, just from what we know on the TMZ, Kate is a brave woman.

Starting point is 00:59:23 I'm not going to be getting into a fight with a six foot ten like roller derby hip-hop dancing from the caribbean yeah and all black and like really thick mascot art not mascara what do you eyeliner and stuff that was like chola makeup that she put on with a sharpie i was like girl yeah she's gonna she's gonna kill my family if I just burn her eggs. Yeah, she was very scary. I felt like she should have been, from 1996, lining up to go to the Lilith Fair. She just had that tough look, yet she wanted to listen to some good Sarah McLachlan. Yeah. Maybe mix this with some punk, and I'm in.

Starting point is 01:00:04 Yeah. She seemed actually really nice. Sarah McLachlan. You know? Like, maybe mix this with some punk and I'm in. Yeah. So. She seemed actually really nice. She's like, got a big, huge personality and stuff. And then her and Kate did that thing that you hate when every couple does. They're like, ah, blah, blah, blah. And they start making out in front of the boat. And this guy's passing by.

Starting point is 01:00:17 He's like, good morning. And they just keep making out. Actually, Ben described her as, she looks like she crawled out of a fallout shelter in Moscow. Lilith Fair fallout shelter. I will remember you. Even though I don't want to. Help me forget. Help me forget.

Starting point is 01:00:44 Hero, have one of our uneven crumple eyes. He was so pissed off during this whole thing. And they just continue to make out. So they get this day off. They all go. Kate and this girl just making out, fucking in the bathroom, doing, you know, whatever. And he's pissed off. My favorite of this was Sierra and Kyle and their, like, flirting session.

Starting point is 01:01:03 They're on the boat going over to – I think they're on the boat. They're getting sun. Who cares? They're either on the boat or they're like flirting session. They're on the boat going over to, I think they're on the boat. They're getting sun, who cares? They're either on the boat or they're getting sun. Yeah. They're just like relaxing together.

Starting point is 01:01:11 Yeah. And she's, this conversation, it's so funny because we make Bible references so much but don't even know the Bible. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:18 But she goes, well, you know, you teach a man to fish. And he goes, he didn't teach anyone to fish. He gave them fish. And she's like, uh-uh, he turned loaves into fishes. And he's like, no, he didn't.

Starting point is 01:01:33 Why would he do that? He's like, carbs. And he's like, no, he turned them into more fish. He didn't teach them to fish. He was a fisherman. He made more fish out of fish. And she's like, ah, whatever. And he's like and she's like ah whatever and he's like she's mental i'm in love with her but she'll stab me in the she'll stab me in the chest one day i know it

Starting point is 01:01:51 as a jew i had no idea what they were talking about because jesus turns up fish and like that's jesus feeding all the poor people he's like look here's one fish and a like he's your captain it's like all right everybody here's the rules one fish and a captain. It's like, all right, everybody, here's the rules. One fish eats, all right? I don't want to see any more salty windows in this poverty stricken place. Well, we got an extra fish, actually. Someone just died on a reef. So anybody want seconds?

Starting point is 01:02:19 Oh, Jesus. Jesus, you're walking right over a reef. Jesus, you're walking right over a reef. So I also liked, you know, it's funny because Kelly was like, again, doing his thing where he's shirtless. And he just like literally flops onto Emily. And Emily is so not into Kelly now because Kelly told Sierra like, hey, put in a good word with me, with Emily. And Sierra tells Emily and she's like, well, you know, if you had asked me on a date, that would have been wonderful. But he didn't even have the balls to ask me on a date. He had to put in a she's like, well, you know, if you had asked me on a date that would have been wonderful but he didn't even have the balls to ask me on a date.

Starting point is 01:02:46 He had to put in a good word like, no sirree. So, Kelly comes right up and lays right between her legs and she's like, ugh. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:54 It's like, listen, base one, offer me a sweater. Base two, tie the sweater around my shoulders for me and back away slowly. She's like,

Starting point is 01:03:04 let me put it to you this way. I'm BBC One and you're Sky TV. It's not going to happen. You're CCTV. You're Al Jazeera. So I think we also, before we wrap this up, I feel like we have to talk about Ro's laugh. Because Ro is sitting there and she's like.

Starting point is 01:03:24 It was like pure Fran Drescher laugh, and I was not expecting that. Well, Kate loves a nasally person. Look at me! Like, what is she thinking? She's like, Oh, really, darling, sweetie pie? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:40 I feel like there was some passive aggression there. It was like, oh, it's so good to see you in person because I keep hearing this laugh all over the yard. And I'm like, who brought the goat on board? Am I right? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And she's like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Battle of the nose.

Starting point is 01:04:00 Kelly also said one really good thing. He's like, man, Kyle's really romantic like me like oh no he goes he goes but sierra's demented she'll take your dick off in the middle of the night with a butter knife crazy yeah okay um i don't think that sierra is like that i think sierra just i i don't even know what sierra yeah It's like pause. What is Sierra? That is Sierra. That's a whole other episode. She's just like, you know what?

Starting point is 01:04:30 It's like literally like the soda, Sierra Mist. I think that she would just turn into mist and float away. Sorry, I know we're having sex, but I had to go because I heard there's a sale on butter knives. I think she'd go to a sale on butter knives rather than use it to cut someone's dick off. I think she would be crazy because that's the girl who's like i'm really a positive person but i can't be around negativity like that's that kind of person who's just so nuts like like i'm totally positive at disneyland but then they go into the parking lot and they're like

Starting point is 01:04:57 i'm drunk you know they lose it i feel like she would be an inept stalker i feel like she'd be the type that would be crazy enough that she would want to stalk someone. She'd be like, I know you told me to break it off, but I had to come see you. Except the problem is she'd go to the wrong location. She would go to someone else's school and kidnap the wrong kid and then boil the wrong bunny. You know? It's like, oh. But I thought this was your bunny.

Starting point is 01:05:20 We don't have a bunny. She'd just be boiling hot dogs. She's like, look, i boiled your hot dog that was actually more helpful than it was scary sierra oh okay she's a helpful stalker i'm gonna tell your wife that you're a good husband this is like the worst glenn close ever she's gonna just like be very supportive he's great oh my god that was such great sex i hope you can work it out with your wife i swear i won't tell anyone oh i don't want to close that okay so that shows i do want to close that just not my my brain is buzzing from this coffee i have to say i am like dizzy it is oh yeah do you need a moment to take a breath or no no i'm gonna sip some water here

Starting point is 01:06:10 get my get my maybe it's just maybe i'm getting like seasickness from the all this yacht talk yacht talk so that was below deck for this week yeah fun little mix of shenanigans um what do you want to go on to next you want to do um um what's it called um yeah so for these we've got a fun week because well not a fun week i mean i'm still devastated that melbourne is over come back but um since we don't have a our normal housewife thing to cover we figured we would watch some shows that we're not covering about property lots of property let's do let's do yours mine hours first because that's a short one and then we'll go i didn't do notes on either one of them i just wanted to do it like like because we're gonna do it like um what's it called style um newlywed i know i always take the notes anyway um so yours mine or ours is a show that has been heavily promoted on Bravo, which features Reza Farhan from Shazza Sunset and some girl.

Starting point is 01:07:13 Wasn't him Kelly? Nicole? I don't know, but she's like this. She's like, wow! So Reza, as we all know, is a real estate agent. I'm really glad you could see my face from that, Ben. So Reza, as we all know, is a real estate agent. I'm really glad you could see my face from that bin.

Starting point is 01:07:29 Kelly is an interior designer of sorts or wood decorator. I don't know what she is. She's a wood decorator. She's an Easter egg painter. This show is like a convoluted Love It or List It. Now, Love It or List It is very streamlined. It's basically people living in a house that doesn't suit their needs anymore. And the guy is going to find them a new house.

Starting point is 01:07:49 And the designer, she's going to revamp the house. And they're going to decide, are we going to stick with a revamped house? Or are we just going to sell it and get someplace new? Pretty cool, high-concept show. This one. And that's already as fake as they come. I mean, that couple on that show, she's like, I bet that they're going to list it. No, they're going to love it. Because I've put so much work and you're just a nothing and he's like how dare you batch they're totally gonna buy it

Starting point is 01:08:13 because you're nothing and you're just like stupid and they like pretend fight with each other and at the end they're like we may not love each other but at least we're still partners and then they smile and like go get wasted together i always root for the woman on that show because she always has the biggest setbacks. It's always like, all right, the plan was to build another bathroom here, but we just did some inspections. It turns out there's an Indian graveyard.

Starting point is 01:08:34 So that's going to need up a lot of our budget to exhume that. So instead what we're going to do is get you a flower pot. It's like she always gets sacked with the worst things. She really does. She gets screwed every time. Every single time. a flower pot. It's like she always gets sacked with the worst things. Like the whole foundation is like rotting. She gets screwed every time.

Starting point is 01:08:48 Every single time. She's like, I'm going to turn this into an open kitchen. They're like, well, the roof will

Starting point is 01:08:52 cave in. All right, we're going to put a table in there instead. We got you a lovely painting. We've gone

Starting point is 01:09:00 to Ross Dress for Less and bought a sign that says open. Open kitchen. We found you a caliente sign from Cotto di Casa. It was in an antique shop. I guess it was recently deposited there. Well, both shows are completely unfair to the woman because, don't worry, this is not like a big sexist argument, but just both the characters, they get screwed.

Starting point is 01:09:22 I mean, on Love at Her Listed, at least a woman has to actually do something. On this, she just draws, like she does the Property Brothers 3D thing where she's like, here's a computer thing, what I did for your house. It's amazing. Look, a couch is sliding in. They're like, whoa, what a pretty cartoon of my living room. So the premise of this show is like, hey, let's take Love at a Listed and make it so convoluted. So the premise of this show is like, hey, let's take Love It or List It and make it so convoluted.

Starting point is 01:09:48 So the idea is two people, like a relationship. They are in different houses. And they have to just – so they – so basically the interior designer is going to revamp, quote unquote revamp, his house and her house. And Reza is going to look for a house in his neighborhood or her neighborhood or just somewhere random like this just somewhere great and they work philadelphia yeah and then they have to decide are they going to move into his revamped place or her revamped place or a house near him or a house near her i'm like there's so many options. It's ridiculous. So it's already like a very convoluted series of things, right? So it starts off with Reza making this horrific joke about moist places that straight men are used to going into, but gay men are not. I was like, this can't be how we start this episode.

Starting point is 01:10:38 We can't start this way. And what's so sad is it's all so written down. I mean, it's not like anybody watches this and expects it to be like hard-hitting reality, you know, on the spot. But Reza is so not natural. Every time he's like, we are in beautiful Savannah where it is very hot. And Bettina loves her home. But her husband, who has a different name, lives lives someplace else and we are going to make them like please stop it's like a it's like a indictment of our education system in this country

Starting point is 01:11:12 and he's like trying to inject his humor he's like that's like so white to live in different houses well they're black that's like whoa hey you know like, you ever been to like, like two different houses and are like, bitch, where's our joint house? What? No. I know black people. I did a whole comedy show for them one time. Let me tell you my joke. Motherfuckers. Hey, motherfuckers. Bitch be like, why aren't you living in the same house? Am I right, bitch?

Starting point is 01:11:44 And the girl's like i can't believe this is what it's taking for me to get onto tv she's like i have worked so many years to build up my practice and now i'm finally on tv with this idiot hey isn't that right bitch motherfucker right bitch be like oh my career that's so persian we could have got you that house but agents don't know how to drive am i right motherfuckers uh i feel so honored making these jokes upstairs from where reza made his jokes um so uh so the whole thing is that there's this magician in savannah who has a girlfriend who lives in in suburban philadelphia in jersey and and they don't know how to merge their lives.

Starting point is 01:12:26 And his request... Wait, what? She lives in suburban Jersey, right? No, suburban... So she's in suburban Philadelphia, but because Philadelphia is close to Jersey, she lives in Jersey, but it's suburban Philadelphia. Oh, that's so confusing.

Starting point is 01:12:42 It's like living in New Jersey. You are in the suburbs of New York City. Oh, that's so confusing. It's like living in New Jersey. You are in the suburbs of New York City. I was thinking somewhere random because I thought he was like, her house is in New Jersey. And here we are in Philadelphia. Oh, you missed it. What the hell? This is why they inserted Reza. At one point he goes, so even though you live in New Jersey, you're actually really close

Starting point is 01:13:00 to Philadelphia. So we're going to fly to Philadelphia. Exactly for that. You must have missed his explanation. I mean, I watch the whole thing. i didn't even get up to microwave anything so um so he so he's a magician i'm sorry i have to say the magician yes and also i think he's a magician fan i don't think he's like an actual magician he's like here's a snake i was like that's not you keep a giant snake in like a little plastic box. Like that snake is going to crawl out and murder you.

Starting point is 01:13:27 Yeah, that was like $5 storage from Target. And he's got like this 10 foot snake in there. Like, look, it's my snake. But when he introduces them, he has a big pan on the thing and he starts a fire. And he's like, Reza, are you hungry? He's like, I sure am hungry. And then he opens it. And this big white parrot comes out. Whose hackles are totally up. It's like i sure am hungry and then he opens up and this big white parrot comes out

Starting point is 01:13:47 whose hackles are totally up it's like a little kitty and reza's like whoa i was expecting a chicken kebab by the way oh my god shut up you know it's not magic if you put like a dome over a bird and then lift up the dome it's magic If there's nothing under the dome and you close the dome and then you open it and there's a bird, but if the dome is already sitting there and you open it up and there's like a bird, like half suffocated, be like,

Starting point is 01:14:12 I love how this magician, like his requirements are like, well, I really, uh, like I need, I go to the gym five days a week. So I really need to have access to a gym.

Starting point is 01:14:24 I'm like, you're fat. You're fat. It was one thing if it's like, it was one thing if he was like, listen, I have weight challenges, and it's really important for me to be in your gym because I'm really working my fitness. But he said it in a way like, well, you know, this body doesn't, like, get this hot on its own. Like, excuse me, sir. Vin doesn't get anywhere without diesel. Like, what? You need to just get back on the couch okay because reza at one point's like because you're obsessed with the gym you

Starting point is 01:14:51 little gym rat oh my god and meanwhile bettina she has this like very large suburban home that looks amazing um although it's very old some tacky shit well i mean i mean it was space space space wise but like but then it it was very old lady decorated. But still, I think I would probably choose that over his. He had an actually nice place, but it looked cramped. So, I mean, I don't know. I think his place was so nice. Oh, my God, we should totally be on this show.

Starting point is 01:15:18 No, his place was nice. But it looked cramped. A little gay. Very stylish. And they only see each other like twice a month or something and i was like warning i think i would rather live in savannah than like suburban jersey but then she had more space um but i was just like why don't they just move to savannah and get a house in savannah spoiler alert but anyway so i think they're basically

Starting point is 01:15:42 just saying that they're not serious about their relationship if they're letting Reza help them in any way. I would have kicked him out of the kebab line. Yeah. Looked like you're out. I just want to know what it's like to be in a long-distance relationship with a magician. And by the way, like, communicating over Skype does not count as a magic trick. Look, I'm in your computer. A magician with bad jokes.

Starting point is 01:16:05 Because at one point he's like, we met at a magic club. It was magical. I'm like, ugh. So that's like the first segment is that we meet this couple and everything. And we hear a lot of bad jokes. And then commercial break. And we come back. It's time to start seeing the options. At this this point i did not realize it was a 30 minute show

Starting point is 01:16:28 it's like okay let's see so i don't remember the order of events but i think reza takes them to a place in philadelphia philadelphia that's like fine but it's like but where the it's actually a really awesome condo yeah but it's like but where are the dogs going to go? I'm like, have you ever heard of walking a dog on a street? You think that no one in Philadelphia has dogs? Girl, you can't be doing that. If you've had a backyard for years and your dog goes outside and poops, you can't suddenly just start walking your dog five times a day. It's disgusting.

Starting point is 01:16:58 Then you start resenting your dog. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true. And we never saw the dog. Did we ever see the dogs? No, but he has six animals and she has two dogs this is not going to work out yeah especially with a 20 foot snake and an angry cockatoo um so yeah so they look at a beautiful place and felt here's the thing that

Starting point is 01:17:17 drove me nuts everything that they looked at every single house and apartment they looked at and every single design they were like whoa this is great this is great oh my god reza you did it again blonde lady this is amazing i was like there was like no tension in the show they just liked everything and they were all places that were obviously not available like you can tell if you've watched hgtv enough you can tell like you can see stuff sticking out from under the bed where their homeowners rented it out for the day they're like put your toys under the bed kids you know it's like fully furnished there's like still some wrinkles on the sheet from when they just got out of bed and threw their blankets on yeah so they basically just rented places for the day that they could

Starting point is 01:18:02 show them which of course they do because usually these shows, they've already found their place. So even on House Hunters, you can tell because the ones they don't pick are fully furnished and still have cereal on the table. Yeah, exactly. Oh, and by the way, in the midst of this, there was some like quote unquote spontaneous fun where like Reza and the girl went into Bettina's closet and came out with like masks and boas. They're like, hey, it's a's a parade well she's kinky she's like a gay man so i'm thinking as i'm watching the show i'm thinking they're gonna renovate two different places how is this possible and then for her place in Jersey, it was like, all right, we're going to put in a pool in the backyard and build a whole other building and put in a man cave and put in a room behind the man cave. And then, I don't know, maybe a cell tower.

Starting point is 01:18:53 I was like, how are they going to do this all? And I'm looking at my- A roller coaster that goes from the neighbor's house into your hot tub. And then you can make hot dogs here on this grill. And I'm like, there's 10 minutes left in the show. How are they? Are they just going to show us schematics and nothing else? Yes, they were totally Property Brothers-ing it.

Starting point is 01:19:11 It was just the 3D cartoon of all the stuff she could do. But in Property Brothers, don't they build stuff, right? Well, they give them the options with the boom, boom. He could do this with your office and turn it into an office bedroom amusement park with a hot dog stand or whatever. But in this one – and then they choose and then they actually make the design happen. Yeah. But this one, they just show that. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:19:34 And then it comes back from a commercial and they're like, okay, have you made a decision? I was like, are you kidding me? All we see are renderings? We don't even see anything being built or made or renovated. And we only saw two locations. Well, thank God because that didn't even make any damn sense one of her things she's like she's gonna miss her backyard so i'm gonna put a sideways gordon wall on her wall i'm like what and it was this square of grass with plants coming out of it but it was um vertical on the wall and she's

Starting point is 01:20:03 the bat the late the the pipes lady was like, this is going to be about $10,000 and we're going to have to use the pipes from the bathroom. I mean, you have to worry about rotting drywall and all that, but it's going to be beautiful. I was like, what is happening with this show? How can you do that to someone's house? And the other rendering was that like,

Starting point is 01:20:21 oh, you're going to have a hidden vanity. Oh, and you're going to have a Murphy bed. But the way they call it, they're like, it's a bed that comes out of the wall. Whoa! She's like, I love that that bed comes out of the wall. Now, granted, I won't have a desk or a vanity if anybody sleeps here.

Starting point is 01:20:35 I don't know where I'll do my makeup. But still, I was like, these are kind of like the shittiest rendering for this place. Like, this is all you get? It's like a vanity in the wall and a bed that comes down?'s like i'm gonna build a big closet against the wall like this girl and how do plants on the wall how does that in any way substitute for a backyard where your dog is the dog gonna climb up the wall and shit on it like how does that even work and you know that on these shows are so ghetto it's gonna be dripping you know what do you call the stuff you put in the plant the dirt the soil it's going to be like dripping muddy

Starting point is 01:21:08 soil it's going to stink like rot and they're gross and so and even if you put in the pool like if our whole thing is the dogs could run out there there's gonna be no more lawn left those lawns were i mean they were nice size but like if you put in a pool the pool is the whole lawn i don't even know if the place is even zoned for a pool yeah i think they shot this entire series in a week because they were flying around from place to place and then the big reveal they're like what will they choose my guess is that she will choose the place i found her in savannah and then the other girl's like my guess is that they're gonna choose the you know the pool vanity desk or whatever and then they get on facetime yes facetime you guys are facetiming this is the lowest ass budget show i've ever seen so they and then they're not even really talking

Starting point is 01:21:52 yeah they just recorded it at home yeah he goes they go over all the places obviously and the guy goes yes um reza you did a good job but the house that we wanted to buy from you wasn't even on the market. So we ended up buying a house with all the qualities that you listed. I was like, this house looks nothing like anything that he's listed. They got some random other house in some random other place that had nothing to do with the show. It was literally like 30 minutes of watching nothing. It was like after 30 minutes of looking at all our options, they're like, oh, yeah, by the way, we just got a house. Yeah, we just randomly went and got another house.

Starting point is 01:22:33 It was the biggest fail. I've never seen a fail like that on a show. There was one time. I'm remembering it right now. I was watching a show when I went – like nine years ago, I went london and i remember watching a show on tv that was called like let's move to the country and the whole show about people in london moving to the countryside and they were all obsessed with having a paddock and being being too close to the road and they looked at like a million places and then when they they had they were like what would you

Starting point is 01:23:03 like to look at would you like house number one? House number two? House number three? Or would you like the mystery house? And after all that, they were like, I think we're just going to do our own thing. And they went and got a different house. I was like, are you kidding me? And I was like, I've never seen anything like it. And now here it is again on yours, mine, or ours.

Starting point is 01:23:18 You can't do that. But, you know, in America, we don't do that. In America, they're like, you better fake it. Just say you love the house. You're very happy here and sit on the child's bed who probably already lives here. Here's the thing. Everything on the show is fake. And they work backwards.

Starting point is 01:23:33 Meaning, like what you said, with House Hunters, they've already moved into their place, and then they work backwards from there. So why didn't they just include this house in the original show? How shitty is the production on this show that they are not willing to do a reshoot? that's so true they couldn't even just fly someone out for a day to just get interior producer and like yeah it's just like get a green screen and

Starting point is 01:23:53 have reza on a green screen with like a floating head be like wow my head really likes this house when we're typical reza at the end he's like well unfortunately they loved everything we did so much that they're still together in a new home congratulations it's like, well, unfortunately, they loved everything we did so much that they're still together in a new home. Congratulations. Only you would consider this a win. And then the update is like, six months later, Bettina's loving her new house. Unfortunately, her husband's been killed by a snake. Bettina is now dead.

Starting point is 01:24:20 Yeah. So that's yours, mine, or ours. I don't think we're going to watch it again, although it was kind of funny to recap it. It was, yeah. I mean, I can talk shit about any show. If you guys want us to talk shit about that show again next week, we'll do it.

Starting point is 01:24:34 I can't imagine that that show even has a chance in hell, because when I was looking for it online, it was nowhere to be found. That's a bad sign. The thing is this, is that those shows that HGTV primarily does, they are stupid. They're so scripted. But at this point, we're used to the scriptedness of it. And there's a certain low bar of quality that we expect.

Starting point is 01:24:59 And so the fact that this Bravo one couldn't meet it or couldn't give a good a good bravo spin on it it's like why do we even watch it then yeah it's like reza making moist ass jokes and then they don't even do anything on the show like people like those shows because they show you remodeling or there's like some reveal at the end where it's remodeled yeah reza reza couldn't be like his best res of self the locations weren't like as glamorous as typical bravo locations and the actual like house hunting part of it wasn't as well done as anything on hgtv so there's really no purpose to watch it except to make fun fail fail huge fail but speaking of large speaking of glamorous properties million dollar listingdollar listing LA. Million-dollar listing Los Angeles. So we skipped.

Starting point is 01:25:48 We've recapped the show on this show. Every now and then we'll go. I feel like we did a couple seasons, didn't we? Didn't we do season one and or two? I don't know. We would sort of just do it whenever we had a lull in the schedule. We did an episode of San Francisco last year. We do it here and there.

Starting point is 01:26:07 I know, I think we used to do it more. LA specifically, because we've never really done New York. I think we've done one or two episodes. But LA, we've done, I think at least a whole season.

Starting point is 01:26:15 We may have. LA is actually my favorite. I do enjoy this show because I actually do enjoy seeing the houses. Like, you know, a lot of times I say with these shows, a lot of times people watch any of these shows on

Starting point is 01:26:28 Bravo, there's that aspirational quality or voyeurism. You want to look into these houses. I'm not typically that viewer, but I have to say with this show, I am. I do find watching the season premiere, the show is more scripted than ever. It's always been

Starting point is 01:26:43 scripted. It always has been, but it's really glaring now. Those twins. Are they twins or just brothers? Those British guys. They're the worst. They're like the worst of LA. The douchiest. They're probably from Tennessee. We don't agree on that deal. What do you think?

Starting point is 01:27:00 They're like these creepy little weird fake accent British guys. They're like, we're going to take all Wellingtons off to get into this house. Yeah. And they're like, we're totally different because one of us has a beard. Yeah. Okay, guys. One of them was probably told to grow a beard so people could tell them apart.

Starting point is 01:27:14 They're total douchebags. I don't buy them at all. There's nothing I like about them. I want to see them hit by a truck. Hate them. Hate them on my TV. Hate everything they do. Hate every scene they're in.

Starting point is 01:27:22 Want them to die. I miss the guy with the monkey's hair or the beetle's hair. Remember that really young guy who's like 10 years old? Chad, I hated him. Me too, but it was so fun to hate him because he was actually that person. He was like this needy, sad little thing who didn't

Starting point is 01:27:38 know he looked all little and sad. I like Josh Flagg, even though his hair is out of control. I actually like Josh Altman, even though he is an asshole. There's something I actually really – I think he's like a charismatic – I don't even know how he still has a damn driver's license. His eyes get more crossed every year. I mean, you're lucky you only have to take that test once every decade, fool.

Starting point is 01:27:56 I like that he looks like Grover, you know? But there was a scene – so, okay, we'll get to that, the scene later in the show. That, to me, was evidence of how scripted it is. But I guess we can just go with each of the realtors and their own stories. Okay, sure. We have Josh. Flag is first. Flag is first.

Starting point is 01:28:15 His big thing was going to an old client, and I wrote really old, crazy face. Because she looked – she was one of those los angeles ladies who looked yeah she looked you know 30 and 70 all at the same time and he's like these people are so wealthy okay they have you know done this and that they produced the academy award-winning film precious i was like look that was a good movie but it was no ice age i mean why are you making it sound like they're trillionaires? I would love to see Precious set in the Ice Age universe. I was just trying to think of something

Starting point is 01:28:52 with a huge lead that made more money. No offense, Precious. Well, I'm sure they've produced other things and done other things. So they have a, these people have a daughter who is like, yeah, she's a teenage wannabe pop star she's open for one direction i was like it makes me so mad at la sometimes when i hear those stories it's like

Starting point is 01:29:11 those the i'm not i'm not the one who's like rich people but it does get annoying when you hear like about the rich people who are like here yeah you're billionaire you're billionaire dad with hollywood connections got you to open for one Direction. Yeah. Oh, I'm so impressed. So this girl is – I know what comps are. I'm really into real estate. I know about real estate and comps. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:29:34 She's 16 and she's obsessed with real estate and she wants to learn about it. So the parents have given her like $6 million to $8 million essentially to buy a house that can just sort of be like her sanctuary her creative space until she graduates and then when she goes to college yeah has to have a pool so she can relax but also recording studio i'm like you realize you guys have a pool on your property is it like a stressful pool do you guys not are you guys unable to build a studio in your own place i just can't create here i know i just can't create the thing that i'm not even creating in the first place because some producer is creating it for me. So she's going to get a starter house that will then turn into a rental property when she goes to college.

Starting point is 01:30:15 I want it very turnkey. And I want it in the Bird Streets. I mean, the Bird Streets. This episode is all about those freaking Bird Streets. Bird Streets. Bird Streets. I've never heard so much about the Bird Streets. Do you know what a Bird Street is?

Starting point is 01:30:26 She's like, yeah, I know what a Bird Street is and also a comp. Yeah. Bird Streets and comps. Bird Streets and comps. Josh also told us in this episode that he has broken up with Colton. Yeah. He's like, so how's Colton? And he's like, I hope that colton's fine and that he's happy

Starting point is 01:30:47 he doesn't more else he does deserve someone better than me i'm like oh you cheated you cheated totally at least colton was smart enough to get that house girl mm-hmm yeah go colton colton's having a tea party i'm sure so um yeah so he Josh Fleck, he basically takes her around and she's like, I don't have, this doesn't have a view. I don't like a view. Comps, comps, comps, bird streets, comps, streets, birds, comps, bird cum. So. Bird cum. So he takes her.

Starting point is 01:31:16 That's too much bird cum. So then eventually, so while he's taking her around, Josh Altman, he is going, there's a guy in the Bird Streets who wants to sell his house, a former punk rocker. He sort of looks like Gary Busey. Oh, God. This guy looked like an old dish rag that you just started beating around the kitchen. Like you never put it in the wash. Wiping up garbanzo water. He just looks beat and he's one of those guys he's had so much facial surgery and his eyebrows and his hair is dyed and he talks like

Starting point is 01:31:54 dick because he's a drummer so he's like yo welcome over working on a new like i guess his wife is gonna be some blow-up doll idiot who probably can't even move her mouth. And surely now she's like, I have a laptop. I don't need a laptop. What's his name? Lucky Lear or something like that? I don't know. Yes, it was something like Lucky Lear. Yeah, Lucky Lear.

Starting point is 01:32:17 Gross. Yeah. It's like he's been in great bands, like the Jerkoffs. It's like the jerk offs. Like every bad name was like some, you know, junior high kid trying to be cool. And he had the suck face. He called up Josh Allman because Josh and the girl are getting married. And so he's getting a suit fitting.

Starting point is 01:32:38 And he's like, again, so scripted. He's like, hey, Josh, I know that you you I wanted you to sell my house last year for more than it was worth, and you said no. So now I'm back because I need to sell my house now. And things have changed, and I got married now. I was like, okay, I'll come by later today. He's like, here I am, back at your house. Hey, Josh, come on in here. I do not like when a trophy wife walks into a mansion

Starting point is 01:33:06 and she's like, you know what? I'm a yoga instructor and I really need like my balance of my chin because it like hurts my dog's feelings

Starting point is 01:33:14 this house. I'm like, why don't you just be happy, okay? You were like scraped off the sidewalk in the back of some terrible club

Starting point is 01:33:21 in like Idaho that this man was drumming at. You were lucky to find an old deaf man who's probably going to be dead soon so just get on the wheel and shut the fuck up i don't want to have to watch this spoiled ass woman with her stupid lap dog yeah i was um yeah i was going this this show brought up a lot of emotions in me on the one hand i was like isn't it so cool that we live in this city where this this should happen so these these huge mansions are right here

Starting point is 01:33:43 like we could just go drive up and around like it's kind of amazing that we're by this crazy world that we that we cross paths that we intersect like i went to a meeting recently and like the door the elevator doors opened and someone got in it was like the agency is like that's mauricio's company and the doors closed i kept on going up and it's like that's so cool that like we're around it we're like feet away from it and then i see the way these people act i'm like's so cool that we're around it. We're like feet away from it. And then I see the way these people act. I'm like, I can't believe we're around this. I can't believe that we're just feet away from this, that we're like, we interface with this stuff.

Starting point is 01:34:13 It's awful. I feel like I was brought to Los Angeles by the universe to just prepare me for the end of the world. Make me realize that we deserve whatever we fucking get. This place is disgusting. These people are disgusting. I'm like, tear it down. Tear it down. Also, these places that are $10 million are old homes from the 60s.

Starting point is 01:34:33 They've got popcorn ceilings. They're so gross. But because they're on the hill, they're like, but we put a sliding door in the living room. They're like, $10 million. Listen, I was like, man, I want a house in the hills. When I was watching this show, I was like, I really want one. I'll take it with popcorn ceilings. But they're so douchey.

Starting point is 01:34:50 Those are your neighbors. Like Josh Altman was saying, everybody wants the bird streets because it's the hills. And especially new money because new actors or new rock stars or whatever, they're new and they want to be in the street and they want to see Keanu come down the street and they're like, never mind. That guy's always, yeah. He's my neighbor. That was a scripted moment too where I was like,

Starting point is 01:35:10 okay, they made him say that like, oh wait, he's my neighbor. Huh. I like John Wick. Whatever. He's such a douchebag. The bird streets are nice though. When I was driving for Uber,

Starting point is 01:35:22 one thing that was like super cool for me is that i got like summoned up to the bird streets to pick up someone and it was from avicii's house and i was like wow this is so cool i was like i'm at avicii's i'm at avicii's house because and then one time i had to bring someone to the bird streets and it was the like the boyfriend of um simon cowell's ex what was that name What's that girl's name? Terry. I was like, I feel so cool delivering people to and from the Bird Streets. Well, the Bird Streets

Starting point is 01:35:50 are also where the Manson murders happened. Is it really? Is that where Sharon Tate? Yeah, they were on like, I don't know, Mockingbird or Blue Jay.

Starting point is 01:35:59 Avicii was on Blue Jay Lane or whatever it's called. That's on the Bird Streets, right? Blue Jay. Blue Jay, yeah. Okay. So anyway. Solved. Thank you. If anyone wants to go see Avicii's house, it's on Blue Jay Lane or whatever it's called. That's on the Bird Streets, right? Blue Jay. It's a bird. Blue Jay, yeah. Okay. So anyway. Solved.

Starting point is 01:36:06 Thank you. If anyone wants to go see Avicii's house, it's on Blue Jay. But the reason why I say that also is because it's public knowledge. It was on Curbed LA. So I don't feel like I'm betraying anyone's trust. It's actually – the house was so amazing. When I pulled up, I was like – I just knew. I was like, I'm at a famous person's house.

Starting point is 01:36:23 I just know it. This is not a house that a normal person's house i just know it this is not a house that a normal person lives in or even a normal super wealthy but this is a famous person i guarantee it and then what happened was when i picked up the guy and i drove i drove him to the verizon store and the entire time i was like how do i find out who lives in that house without being like crossing the line as an uber driver and it took me 25 minutes of like gentle questioning and then finally the guy was like yeah actually that's avicii's house i was like yes i figured it out i love ceviche that fish cooks itself in the lime juice it's amazing so josh aldman has to sell

Starting point is 01:36:57 this house in the bird streets and sure enough josh flag has this girl who will only buy in the bird streets and meanwhile josh Allman can't sell the house like some woman comes over, the wife of a basketball player and she's like this house is disgusting, there's no room for your dogs Trophy wife, another one, except this one's not even married, I'm like you did not even seal the deal, I don't know why you're acting like you've

Starting point is 01:37:18 done something with your life, she's in like a Juicy Couture sweatshirt of course she's like there's no room, there's not even a point in looking at the rest of this house. I have really big dogs. This is another show on Broadway. This week was full of shows where people were like, I can't fit my dogs.

Starting point is 01:37:31 I can't fit my dogs. So it's like your dog is going to be dead in like five years. It's like think beyond your dog. Yeah, exactly. That's why you get the real estate first, then the dog. Exactly. So sure enough, so now guess what? The 16 year old girl

Starting point is 01:37:46 She looks at a beautiful house That's in the hills but it's not the bird trees She's like it's just not the bird trees Listen you stupid idiot You seem like a lovely girl but right now you're acting like a stupid idiot A house in the hills is a house in the hills Whether it's like An outpost or Benedict or whatever

Starting point is 01:38:03 Or whether it's in the Bird Streets. They're all awesome. Like, why are you, why do you even care about this right now? She's like, um, what if Precious comes to visit? What if Mariah Carey comes without makeup? Now look, Monique does not like a small pool. I need to have an area to do Monique's feet. I want Monique to feel comfortable enough to be creative.

Starting point is 01:38:30 So sure enough, Josh Flagg calls up Josh Altman. He's like, this is going to be a little hard for me because last time we talked, it wasn't on great terms. Cut to the fight of the stupid hair. It's like Josh has some crazy hair. Altman's all cross-eyed. He's like, whatever, bro. Whatever, bro. The guy's such a douchebag.

Starting point is 01:38:49 Such a millhouse. It's like millhouse grows up to be some giant douchebag. So they're like fake finding. So then this year he's like, whoa. Hey, what are you, like 12? So the girl comes in. She's like, I know what comps are. And he's like, well, okay. She goes, I'm really

Starting point is 01:39:06 into real estate and this is my mentor. And then he just starts laughing. Yeah. It's all so fake. And even before that, when Josh called Josh and was like, so I've got an interested buyer. You know, she's interested.

Starting point is 01:39:21 She'll come by after school. And Josh Allman's like, oh, what sort of school? Law school? Medical school? I'm like, this is so scripted. And he's like, and then Josh Allman's like, high school. He's like, okay, Josh, flag. You can stop joking now.

Starting point is 01:39:38 It's so bad. It's almost as natural as Reza, that one. Yeah. So we don't know. That's like a hanger-on. Because of course, the girl's like, this is the house I want and then they like give each other like really crazy like wax eyebrows looks okay so then my the british people are stupid they're just doing yeah they're gonna sell some mansion with maurizio because they work for the agency maurizio's like yeah well you know like we love your neighborhood like this this well, you know, like, we love your neighborhood. Like, this neighborhood. Like, you know, we sell things that are, like, 300 million.

Starting point is 01:40:08 So, like, it's in our price range. What a gorgeous place, man. It was good to see Maurizio. It was good. I felt like. I'm loving fat Maurizio, by the way. I know, me too. Loving it.

Starting point is 01:40:18 And I feel like you could see Kyle just, like, around the corner just, like, trying to get, like, a Moo Moo on camera. Yeah, she's, like, trying to get a white fat burger in there or whatever. Kyle by Eileen 2. The agency by Eileen 2. I just want to congratulate Maurizio for really knowing how to do it. That's a man who's taken over the city become a zillionaire and gotten fat. That's what

Starting point is 01:40:38 you're supposed to do. Yeah like hot fat though. Hot fat. Hot fat. Kyle ain't leaving. Yeah he's not like magician in Savannah fat. Yeah yeah I don't even mean it as fat shaming i mean like fat congratulating because it can confatulating because it's you can't do that here you can't just become you can't just be poor and become fat yeah no but if you're rich you can do whatever the fuck you want you go you're my goal we really shouldn't we really shouldn't be talking about this because as we know it's gonna be our next

Starting point is 01:41:03 patreon tier to body shame someone. So we're giving away free content. Body shaming someone in Kyle's family every time. We're going to body shame someone who is much, much wealthier than we are and who we're envious of secretly. Well, we can old face. We can old shame because their client with this big tacky awful robert goulet banshin um the client is like some guy he looks like mama elsa and he owns bb or owned it or yeah he owns bb newworth he is basically um he controls bb newworth He controls Bebe Neuwirth. Maurizio's like, loved Cabo Govo,

Starting point is 01:41:45 Bebe, you still got it. So he's doing it for this like decrepit old man who's trying to sell his house for 90 zillion dollars. It looks not worth that. And he's got some young hoe who's like 20 years old, fresh off the Playboy. Full of Botox.

Starting point is 01:42:00 Yeah, it's like he just drove by the Playboy mansion after they sold it and just like fire-sailed this bitch. Yeah, a low rent ivanka trump basically um i would say melania because ivanka at least has a brain this girl i think oh yeah that's true ivanka is smart and i actually love ivanka even if she has to show for donald trump her dad but you know it's her daughterly duty but yeah this woman she was just like staring vacantly, not knowing. And they were basically, it was like, this will be your call you start. Normally we don't work with, what is this?

Starting point is 01:42:33 A callista? We don't do that. Business, business, business, business, business. Tour, tour, tour. Open house, open house, open house. Out of sync, in sync. Okay. Calling.

Starting point is 01:42:43 Okay. We're a team. High five. We've just gotten your fax out to the fax system. And we see that there's a thing where he can fire us at any moment. She's like, yeah, but get over it. Because that's how he does it. So if you don't want to be here, don't be here.

Starting point is 01:42:57 And they're like, all right, then. We'll sign your contract because we're not quitters. No. These two suck. Yeah. And then, of course, the big news is that this season, the one and only Madison Hildebrand is back on the show. Madison's road to old age is just, the guy looks like a Siegfried and Roy poster. He's like looking like shorter and stranger.

Starting point is 01:43:21 A Siegfried and White poster. He's looking shorter and stranger. And he's like, we're going to put all orange and this Malibu beach house. Hey, we like this beach house. It's amazing. People would die for this. It's the only place under three mil on the whole block. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:43:40 So this guy comes over. I'm calling it now, Meth. He's got Meth face with the fillers on the cheeks to try and hide the meth, and then a wig. This is not working for you, meth. He's going to sue you. He's going to sue you over that. Allegedly. Allegedly.

Starting point is 01:43:58 Can you get sued over saying that someone has meth face? No, probably not. It's just an observation. They take Bueller and my TV. It's literally all I have. You want my iPhone 6? So Madison, his triumphant return to the show is that he's selling this little house in Malibu that's going to get swept away during the next storm. And there's this hairy Russian dude who's like, yeah, this isn't big enough for my mother.

Starting point is 01:44:25 I don't know if my mother would like it. I don't know if uh okay we're gonna buy it i don't know and then that's like well the seller wants to sell it now for three million not to 2.5 anymore uh i don't know if that's true it's like there was like almost no arc it just was like the real arc in this was madison came back to the show and he was determined i think one of the reasons he didn't want to do it anymore or got fired who knows i don't know but he seemed to not like he can't take I think one of the reasons he didn't want to do it anymore or got fired. Who knows? I don't know. But he seemed to not like. He can't take the external pressure. Like the reading the mean comments.

Starting point is 01:44:51 Or people calling him a face Cartman voice. Like gay Cartman. But you know. I don't think he can take it. So he came back. And the arc for me was him trying to start out his first scene. Like oh. He was like overly, yeah. He's like, here we are, Notre Dame, Mallory.

Starting point is 01:45:08 This is so great. Isn't it, Teresa? Or whoever he was talking to. He's like, I can't wait. And he's trying to be overly positive. He's like, this is the best house in Mallory. So he's going through this house. And then the guy pisses him off.

Starting point is 01:45:21 The minute the guy pisses him off. Because the guy's like, i don't know if i want to go to three million he's like well this guy can wrap the place for like fifty thousand dollars on the off season and she the real estate lady's like it's not my job to care about your rent and he gets so mad and he goes you know what i think i'll go downstairs while you two talk it out you two talk it out and he started getting it out. And he started getting so mad, and he walks away, and he goes, bon voyage. That's what I always say. Bon voyage.

Starting point is 01:45:50 I thought that house was terrifying, by the way. The bedroom is like in this – the bedroom is like at beach level. I was like, really? One storm, and those waves are coming right through that window, and you're drowning in bed. And it's tiny. It's only as wide as the bed. Like you can hardly even walk in front of the bed yeah i'm like i don't need to like be on the beach like that you're like but dolphins they kept showing the same clip of the two dolphins yes over and

Starting point is 01:46:18 over he's like here i put out some brie so now now you'll pay another $200,000, right? Did he end up selling it? Yeah. Because eventually there was – no, well, because they countered and they were like, we'll pay like $3,050,000 or something, which is $100,000 more than what they originally wanted. And the buyer was like, I really think you should take this. And it's like, all right, we've got a deal. Which is quite, the deals always go through on this show. I've never seen the deal not go through. And if it doesn't go through, then it's like a cliffhanger.

Starting point is 01:46:50 And then the next episode, it does go through. One we didn't get today was the phone thing. Where they're like, the seller doesn't want this offer. And it's like, dun-dun, dun-dun-dun-dun. I'm on hold. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. What? Okay.

Starting point is 01:47:04 I love the phone deliberations with nobody on the other end of the line. Yeah. I mean, the show is fake. It's innately fake. Apparently, to do this show, it has to be fake. Because to make these deals, it's like a whole process. It does not happen as quickly as it does in this show. And I don't think they even get those commissions that they say they get.

Starting point is 01:47:23 That's why they always say potential commission. But script the scenario but like please don't script the dialogue for us anymore it's that they're not actors we can tell it's patronizing that they're scripted and we were brought we watch bravo like i don't care that it's scripted but they've gotten to the point where this show looked as natural as the reza show and that reza show is just painful it's like listening to somebody read really badly at a kindergarten recital. It's just, I don't know. There's so many pretty places. Just go and show us the pretty places.

Starting point is 01:47:52 And also, I don't want to see that Heather girl anymore. Like the evolution of that nice, sweet, soft-spoken secretary into just like an L.A. rubber-faced whore. Like, I don't like it. I don't like it. It makes me sad sad i'll be watching next week it makes me sad too when you see when you see women on these shows it happens to men sometimes too but it happens mainly to women who like season after season they just start butchering

Starting point is 01:48:15 their face and they just never had to in the first place they look beautiful yeah well josh is looking crazy madison is looking crazy as well, his wigs are just so low rent. I mean, Malibu is like a little country land. They need to go off into the city where they understand the weave. I'm glad you said country because it sounded like you were saying something else. Oh, no. I don't say that anymore, okay? I've given up the C word.

Starting point is 01:48:38 It's cut fitness now. Everybody knows that. Yeah. I actually didn't think Malibu – I mean, Madison looked that different. I didn't think Madison looked that different. I didn't think he looked that different. I thought that he was just acting crazy. I thought he was really trying to sell his happy-go-lucky personality. He's a very good-looking person, I think.

Starting point is 01:48:57 I think he's really cute. And his body's banging. But he looks awkwardly skinny now. And then he has the fillers popping out here, which is why I say meth. Also, he's acting crazy. And then his hair, you can see, like, the weave line. Well, I'll have to look for all those things. Well, wrap her up, girl.

Starting point is 01:49:13 All right. Well, thank you, everyone, for listening. Oh, we have to do our raffle. Do it. Okay, raffle time. Okay. So this raffle, the people who are eligible for this raffle raffle raffle raffle are people who have who support us on patreon at the crap it's mailbag level or higher um mailbag

Starting point is 01:49:34 so we have we have 75 people so we're going to draw a random number one two seventy five amazing yeah it is amazing um i say sounding like i'm being sarcastic, and I'm not. Like, I'm literally amazed. I never look. So we have a list of the people, and we're going to send a spreadsheet, and we're going to generate a random number from random.org, and then we're going to look on the spreadsheet, and whoever is on that row of the number is going to win a copy of Karuba, a board game that was nominated for best game of the year.

Starting point is 01:50:06 And we'll reach out to you, and then you can just give us your shipping address and everything. Okay, ready? The random number is 58. And the person on line 58 is Stella Floyd. Stella Floyd, you did it! Karuba, Jamaica. Ooh, I want to take you.

Starting point is 01:50:29 And by the way, we should mention, this giveaway was not furnished by the... I think there's some rules with the federal trade. This was not furnished by anyone. It wasn't furnished by them or anything. It's just I have an extra card. This was furnished by Pat Sajak himself. It was furnished by Madison Hillbrand.

Starting point is 01:50:43 So, Stella Floyd, we'll reach out to you, or you reach out to us, we'll figure it out. But congratulations on our first ever... Yeah, private message us on Patreon if you don't hear from us. You can message me at bsideblog at gmail dot com.

Starting point is 01:51:00 Stella Floyd, and we'll get you your game that you just want, that you may not have even realized you were in the running for. She's like, oh, okay. What if we're just reminding people that they're subscribed and don't remember? They're like, wait a second. How much have I been paying for this crap?

Starting point is 01:51:18 Well, you got a board game out of it. So, everyone, thank you so much for listening. Thank you. Thank you, Maria. Thank you, Maria. out of it um so everyone thank you so much for listening um thank you thank you maria for thank you maria she she's she really had to endure a lot that's a lot of patience maria right now do you guys pick straws over who gets to come in here today she's like no i'm just she's like i'm always stuck here always oh straight ben's like i'm not going in there straight Ben's gone he left the organization what yeah right is straight Ben gone

Starting point is 01:51:49 disgusting enjoy trimming your facial hair for corporate yeah straight Ben so everyone thanks so much for listening we'll speak to you next week tra la la bye bye next week. Tra-la-la. Bye. Bye. Hey, Prime members.

Starting point is 01:52:07 You can listen to Watch What Happens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself

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Watch What Crappens - #337: Window Shade

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