Watch What Crappens - #338: Irish Goodbye

Episode Date: October 19, 2016

The "Real Housewives of Orange County" weren't about to leave Ireland without one last good fight. Sure enough, after a day of poking, prodding, and simmering tension, all hell broke loose in the wee hours of the morning. What happened? Hard to say. But we certainly have opinions. Come listen! Also, Real Housewives of New Jersey! 00:00:00 - Intro 00:05:16 - Crappens Superfight 00:18:15 - Real Housewives of Orange County 01:18:16 - Real Housewives of NJ Subscribe at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Support us at https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at https://facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at https://watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

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Oh, how are you doing? How are you doing on this fine day? Good. It is a fine day. It is a fine Tuesday. I'm loving the world. It's turning fall. I'm no longer sweating just going outside. I have my air conditioning on right now. My nipples are hard because it's way too cold to be having air conditioning, and I just feel great. That's good. Now, I don't want to ruin things for you, but I heard that tomorrow it's going to be 93 degrees here in Los Angeles.

That goes to show you, never be positive and grateful because it just comes back to bite you in the ass. And if it makes you feel any better on Thursday, it's going to be 94 degrees. The fall sensation is not going to last for long. But I'm glad you're enjoying it today. I'm also feeling the fall spirit. I went apple

picking this weekend, which was really fun. And now I have apples. So that was a good experience for me. Everyone, welcome to the show. go to watchacrappins.com and you can find all the links to our social media, whether it be Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, the whole thing is right there. We have a Facebook page, facebook.com forward slash watchacrappins. That's super fun. We have, I don't know, like 7,500, 7,800 likes and a super fun, big active community there. So it's a really great way to extend the crappens experience by going there and checking out whatever gossip is posted there or funny photos

and just talking about whatever's going on in Bravo. It's really fun. You can support this podcast, and we highly encourage you to do so, by going to patreon.com forward slash watch for Krappens. And you can support it

all sorts of different tiers. At the most basic tier, you get access to a weekly bonus episode this week's bonus episode we spoke, we went, we basically did a deep dive on the new cast of Top Chef we went through every single new chef we went through our hosts

we even got down and dirty with the Goldilocks story so I bet you're wondering how Goldilocks story. Yeah, batch! So I bet you're wondering how Goldilocks ties in with Top Chef. Well, go listen to the bonus episode. You'll find out. And the other thing is,

there's also monthly hangouts, which one will probably be coming up soon. Probably next week, Ronnie, right? Yeah, next week it would be. Next Thursday. Next week, ringtones. Oh, Ronnie, we have to do ringtones. Remember, after this, we have to do ringtones Thursday Next week, ringtones, oh Ronnie we have to do ringtones Remember after this we have to do ringtones Next week we're doing our Google Hangout

And also our fresh batch Of ringtones will be Unleashed upon the world Yes And then also you can submit questions For the Krappen's mailbag and weigh in on the Krappen super fight The fun stuff And of course, last but not least,

everyone go subscribe on iTunes because it helps the show go up higher in the charts. And when the show goes up higher in the charts, we get more listeners. The more listeners that we get, the more we can sort of do things with this show. So that's pretty much all the stuff. Oh, and this week

we're having our last episode on TuneIn Premium, our final episode. Needless to say, there's a very big, important musical moment on the show. You'll have to definitely tune in for that. Thanks to everybody who signed up over at TuneIn.

We appreciate the support. We had a 12-week contract on a football network. And they were like, uh... So that's over. But thank you to everyone who supported. And just know that... Just know this. A bunch of new features will be coming to Watch What Crap Ins in the month of November

for the premium subscribers. And also, thank you to our premium subscribers, Christy Doherty and Mia Haber. And our super duper sugar mama miss madonna hines miss mange with the sexy jake yes so uh for that that does it for housekeeping uh today we are going to talk about real households of orange county real house has new jersey and um that's that's basically it right yeah let's do her let's do her so uh should we do a little should we do the super fight situation crap yeah let's read some super fights all right

let's fight let's fight boy um so uh for those of you who don't know what this goofy little segment is, it's basically we pit two house, basically two Bravo stars against each other. And we pull, they have special abilities as, as like, which is basically pulled from the super fight game, which is a party game that you can buy at your local Barnes and Noble or

wherever. So we had Janet from from um janet from melbourne who is the reigning champion who is uh has the ability to turn into any vehicle she wants and then there are 50 of them so 50 janet transformers versus a kim zolciak who is made of sand and can, and has a catapult of unlimited livestock. You know, it makes a lot of sense, right? Who did we pick as our winners last week?

You know, I think I was, the whole thing was very confusing to me that I, I, I wasn't sure, but now that I've thought about it, I feel like Kim Zolciak wins in a landslide, right? Because in my mind,

she's made of sand. Like you can't like you, you punch her and your hand just goes right through her. You know, there's just there's so there's only so much that Janet can do, you know. And meanwhile, Kim can just keep hurling cows and chicken chickens and, you know, horses at all. You know, eventually she'll just knock out all 50 vehicles. So I think Zolciak wins. And who did we who did our reader say one well um we uh we actually only have one response this week it's very sad but it's from

ben cohen who says i think janet wins again using her powers janet turns kim to mud with a fire hose kim can load livestock into her catapult as quickly as 50 Janet bulldozers can charge at it. So he says. Oh, you know what? And just going off of that, Janet can turn herself into any kind of vehicle. So maybe she turns herself into a cement truck and then gathers all the mud of Kim and just turns her into like a big, you know, I don't know, dildo statue. What would you do for Kim? Just makes her something horrible and unmovable.

And done. She's over. You know, thatildo statue, what would you do for Kim? Just makes her something horrible and unmovable. And done. She's over. You know, that is such a good point. Plus, my whole thesis is based off of the idea that Kim has the motivation and wherewithal to operate a catapult. And I think that she has all these farm animals there ready to be thrown at 50 Janets, and she just can't do it.

She just stares at it, just confused. So, yes, I think Janet does win again. I think you're right. I think you and Ben are right. Damn it! Congratulations, chicken! Oh, chicken! I think that because Janet has now won, this is her third victory, right?

Yeah. She beat Lisa Rinna,na i think on the motorcycle with babies and she beat ray with guacamole ray yeah so she wins so um as per the rules of the actual game super fight if someone wins three times they are retired so janet is a champion and she is retired so um should we do should we pick two more names real quickly before we get on to the recaps sure let's do two more names okay pull from the box the first person is uh katherine dennis of southern charm and her special powers are that she throws bears this is this is an ongoing theme of throwing animals.

And she's... This is terrifying. She's three stories... She's three stories tall. Tommy! Is there anything more terrifying than a giant Catherine Dennis stomping around,

scooping up bears, and throwing them around. Don't go, Tomy! We have a weird thing going on with bears today. Yes. The bonus episode is all about the bears. Yes. Okay. Okay.

So, her, she's going up against Leanne from Dallas. Mimic her! Oh, no. Now, this is weird. This is... I just pulled this one out. Leanne, who used to be a bear... I'm choosing a different card.

I don't know what's going on with these bear themes. Okay, so Leanne's powers are that she sprays a neurotoxin. Sounds pretty close to life. And her second one is that she shoots webs. So a three-story tall Catherine Dennis throwing bears at Leanne, who can shoot webs and spray... So Leanne's basically a spider. I think Leanne who can shoot webs and spray Leanne's basically a spider

I think Leanne wins because okay look if Leanne first of all I want to still think that she used to be a bear because it would explain a lot of her things like hitting a trolley like a bear would do that we can accept

that she used to be a bear and she sprays neurotoxin and shoots webs she gets an extra power. That's fine. Okay. Because now that I know that she's an extra bear, so much makes sense. She's just waiting for all of her hormones to settle properly. Literally the only other thing in the world I can imagine hitting a trolley is a bear. Like a trolley's passing and the bear's like, ooh.

in the world i can imagine hitting a trolley is a bear like a trolley's passing and the bear's like what i like is that there actually seems to be a backstory to this fight like you have this three store three story tall giantess who's throwing bears around and you have this woman who used to be a bear who sees this giantess throwing her kinfolk around and feels like she must do something so she's gonna shoot a web now what's also interesting is how one goes from being a bear to someone who can shoot webs and spray neurotoxins so leanne has gone through something happened at the carny something went wrong and leanne has become a very different person slash animal yes and second time i'm bringing this up too but heroes she's like got a one of those weird

things like i was a carnic kid but there was some gasoline mixed up with some bleach in the bucket of apples when i was bobbing and before i knew it i could spit neurotoxins and i changed from a bear she clearly was a bear she clearly was like the bear on the tricycle right who would go around that's more of a circus thing but i feel like it was a it was it was was like the bear on the tricycle, right? Who would go around in circles. That's more of a circus thing. But I feel like it was co-opted for her carny. And I think to this day, she still carries some traits around. I wouldn't be surprised if Leanne went up to a river and tried snatching fish out of it with her mouth. You get over here, fish!

You get over here! I bet she could totally do it. Also, she would win because catherine i mean it's almost unfair to put her up against catherine because as fun as catherine can be and as much as she's won by not having the man she totally got impregnated with on purpose uh so that she can get money like she's lost in every way but and she's also fired from the show because he tricked her into doing coke before her surprise drug test. She's already lost, and it's unfair that she's lost. But then to put her up against Leanne, who's beat up a trolley.

Shits in cars and baskets. Yes. Her biggest fight was shitting in a basket. And Leanne is only fueled by anger. Like if you're throwing little bears or even big bears at someone who used to be a bear, you know, that could be her cousin. How dare you throw a bear? She understands the movement of bears.

So when a bear gets flung at her, she knows exactly how to dodge it. And not only does she know how to avoid the bear, but it makes her angrier because she knows the bear. She understands it. Your bearity world is over. Your bearity world. I'm going to report you to the Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Bears. ASPCB. Yeah, she's... I wouldn't want to mess with Leanne even if she had no powers

even if she wasn't formerly bear even if her former life was merely that she was a carny I still don't think I would I also feel like giantess Catherine she would have her bears but she would be distracted because

I feel like she wouldn't throw the bears because and her logic would be um you want me to throw them i'm not gonna throw them just because you want me to throw them i'm not gonna just because tom i'm not gonna show that side of me tom i'm not gonna be that girl tom's that throws the bears okay i'm just the way here from my parents i'm prime yeah she'll be like if you don't get me my amazon Prime account fixed, I'm going to throw this bear at you. It's like, she'll give you too much warning. You'll be able to run away. Well, you just have to give her Amazon Prime boxes and she won't throw the bear.

She has a very easy salve. A transparent baby crib. It's like, wait a second. You were supposed to be throwing that bear. It also makes sense, if she's three stories tall, it also makes sense why she's always in everyone's neighborhood. She's always like, I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by.

It's because she's actually so big that when she takes a footstep, she's in someone else's neighborhood. That's why Thomas is like running away from her on that bridge at the end of the season. She's like, come back! She's like, she can't fit on a bridge. She's like, gosh, you on a bridge she was like gosh you just stepped on my car gosh cameron cameron's like i don't hang out with people like that i like my people

be no taller than six feet five man's like you're a horrible bear trap why don't you be a real size? Landon's joining up with Leanne. All right. So if you guys want to get in on the super fight, you need to come in, tell us how these people went. Come up with your own scenario. You do that on Patreon.com. And last week, we will add up all of your stories and pick a winner.

And then have another ridiculous, stupid scenario. All right. That was fun. Shut right. That was fun. Shut up. You're stupid. Speaking of. You know what's not stupid? What, Ben?

Clothing. Oh, my God. I love clothing. I love clothing. You know, I wonder what Catherine Dennis is going to be dressing her little children up in. St. Julian, etc. If she was smart. If she was... Amazon boxes.

Well, she should pay less attention to Amazon Prime and more attention to Primary.com because Primary is this... It's a little clothing company for your little tots. Primary was started by two moms who wanted a place for kids' clothes without all the logos, slogans, and sequins.

Yep. Primary offers stylish basics for babies and kids in awesome colors and super soft fabrics, all under $25, which is not an easy find. Thanks a lot, Jack and Jill. Yeah. Inspired by simplicity, Primary offers the one essential version of everything a kid wears, from a footie to a tee, a cardigan to a polo, and makes it easy to size up as your kids grow. Ja. Primary's vibrant colors mix and match beautifully, and it'll work with whatever else is in your closet.

Every parent feels the challenge of having an overwhelming closet full of clothes, yet almost nothing seems to match. Well, primary is the new go-to for super soft baby clothes in vibrant, solid colors without slogans like little slugger or mommy's little genius. You know what?

I support that. Yeah, I do too, because none of those babies are smart. Or sluggers. If you have to put it on your onesie, you are neither a slugger or a genius. You're trying too hard, okay? Whether you're color coordinating the kids for the family holiday card or selecting super soft PJs for the tree. For under the tree.

You know, because Christmas, you don't just throw onesies on the tree, y'all. Put them under the tree. I mean, you could if you wanted to just throw onesies on the tree, y'all. Put them under the tree. I mean, you could if you wanted to, but it wouldn't be as nice. Mimic her. Mimic her. What are you doing mimicking my tree? Primary is the go-to for stylish basics and awesome colors in the softest

fabrics we could find. Yeah, Primary's stylish basics and solid colors make it easy to find exactly what you need for the kids this holiday season, from the color-coordinated holiday card photo to the school choir performance to the annual new pair of PJs under the tree. And also, by the way, Primary offers free returns for 90 days. Yes. So, this is what everyone needs to know. Visit primary.com slash crappins and use the promo code crappins to save 25% off your first purchase and free shipping.

That's primary.com slash crappins, primary.com slash crappins. Alrighty, that was a lovely primary ad. Would you agree? I would agree. I love super soft onesies. I wish they had those for, well, they actually probably do have those for adults, actually. Oh, yeah. Dom loves wearing a onesie. It's for real.

Low and cute. Yes. So, speaking of onesies, a.k.a. there's no transition whatsoever, let's talk about Real Housewives of Orange County. So, when they were showing what happened last week, we don't have to get into all of that,

but I don't think I really put two and two together that when Vicky says, nice ass to the guy who's doing this, you know, the Lord of the whatever dance on the cloggy stage. Did you notice he's a dancer wearing those dance pants? And the last time that happened was with Kim Zolciak. She's like, you got a nice ass.

And now she's got seven babies. So I would like to predict Vicki Gumbelson is in fact pregnant with a little line of clog dancers from Ireland. Yeah, I think the river dance is going to be coming out. I can imagine that's how the baby is going to come out of her uterus, just tapping away.

A little jig. There'll be like a fiddle and a fife playing. Running. It's like tap running. Vicky will be like. That's my kid Shuffling off to Buffalo. So the episode begins.

Heather is packing a bag um and uh and we learn that vicky and shannon stayed up late the night before they were drunk they had a nice chat and looks like they're on the verge of becoming friends again which was really nice to hear but we know it will never last won't even last an episode and a half but it does also go to show you how phony shannon is because we got to see pictures of them having a blast she's like look we're eating a biscuit together yeah like uh okay uh they're like cracking up with a biscuit in a picture and i just thought yeah because shannon's not on TV. Just wait. Yeah. Just wait until Shannon needs something to do. You're done.

Not that Vicky is some innocent, you know. Yeah. Shannon definitely was pretty evil this episode. I mean, she's had her evil moments this season. About how she set up Kelly at the 70s party with those two ladies. And she certainly did a college try and i think probably succeeded again this episode but we'll get to that later so um so megan is now talking with kelly and of course having the most boring conversation ever and she's like yeah uh i think i might be related to everyone in graystones so i was thinking like i

don't know like walking around graystones and tapping people on the shoulder and being like, are you my relative? Kelly is worried about the really important things in life. Like, did you know that they call this bacon? Because it's ham. Yeah. Is this bacon or ham? It looks like ham, but... It's like, please yell at somebody.

Also, Megan's like, so you guys had fun last night? You went dancing? She's like please yell at somebody also megan megan's like so you guys had fun last night um you went dancing she's like oh no uh kelly because kelly went home early she's like so you guys went you guys had fun last night i guess you went dancing and megan's like well they did i didn't and then they showed they showed a flashback of megan just sitting there while everybody was dancing it's like you are so boring Like, I get that you're pregnant, but there is no, like, clogging warning, you know, for babies. You'll be fine. I don't understand how this woman,

there's like a police chopper outside, excuse me. I don't understand how this woman could go from being, like, such a polarizing figure, causing so much shit shit last season to being such a bore this season. I almost feel like I've never seen such a fall. Yeah, the girl needs a mystery. When she's like, oh, even her pants are boring. She's like, I arranged a farm day. Oh, that sounds horrible.

I like that she arranged. You're not actually arranging yourself sound boring. She arranged a farm day and then somehow managed to make her plan even more boring, which is going into town and standing around and trying to talk to strangers. Unfortunately, I can't join them at the farm because I'm going to meet some relatives. OK. Yeah. Look, when I go back to Indiana where my meemaw is from, I'm sure I'm related to half the grandies. But it's not like I'm going to go tap everybody on the damn shoulder.

It's called inbreeding, okay? Stop bragging. Yeah. And where is that going to get you just because you meet someone who is like your 16th cousin once removed? It's not like what do you – I don't know. I don't think she understands genetics know i don't think she understands genetics i don't think she understands how it all works she doesn't she got pregnant by something that was in a big giant trash can from the 80s in her back seat we saw it jim was well i've got a trash

bag full of stuff so whatever just put it in your vagina let's see if it works and she's like mad that it's not you know like twins in there yeah that it's not just like an old diet coke can from the pacific she should have just gone to the bailey's farm and gotten one of those things shoved up there also i'd like to point out that kelly says god i'm so tired i woke up with an emotional hangover like lol and a real one but yeah i was gonna say i think you got both of them um so then so the rest of the girls get so the everyone who's kelly and megan get on this bus to go to the farm and vicky's arm gets stuck on the trunk so which was kind of funny actually her fingers got caught in the hook and the thing and the little thing went up she's like, hello? Help, help, help.

Oh, God. Help, help, help. This, Vicky, is one of the reasons they keep making stupid child safety things in cars that make everybody fucking crazy. And we're like, what are they, babies? Like, you know, the locks have to go down when the car starts or whatever.

There has to be a beeping in some cars. If you don't have your seatbelt on, it's like ding, ding, ding. And so you put your seat your seat belt and you're like what are these fucking babies too stupid no it's vickies it's like too many dead vickies on the side of the road uh by the way when when the women were on the bus um heather actually made i thought like her first funny joke because she they're all wondering like what like what they're what the other two girls are going to do to find these O'Tools and like Heather is imagining that Kelly would just go up to people on the street and flick their noses and be like hey you an O'Tool flick their nose what's that flick you an O'Tool this is also where Vicky says I had a lot of fun

last night but I think I might have gotten pregnant or you know i was just over served like i love that you take zero responsibility in both in both situations like either someone like date raped you and you got pregnant and don't remember or some bartender's fault and gave you too much neither is your fault just lay off the shepherd's pie there, Vicky. It's so moving. So then, okay, so Megan goes to Greystones. And, I mean, it's like the stupidest thing I've ever seen. She's literally stopping random people and going,

Hi, are you from Greystones? Are you from Greystones? Are you from Greystones? I'm like, look up, why don't you go to the white, aren't there white pages still around? I feel like they still exist. Just look up O'Toole and go to someone's house man there's so many white people that's for sure yeah that's one white place she's like hey white blonde person it's like everybody there it's like going it's like that little lego trying to find somebody he can get along with in and just to match the stupidity kelly is with her wearing a beret i mean

kelly just and kelly is just like what's your last name what's your last name hey what's your last name what's your name what's your name does anybody know feeble the mouse anybody he's my German hero. No, he's my Irish hero. Hey, are you related to Sinead O'Connor? No? What about the O'Tools? Marcel Marceau?

Anybody? Does anyone know where Peter O'Tool lives? He's dead. Oh. She's like, this is where they invented French fries. No, it's not. Does anyone know where Samantha Mumba is? I was cracking up while they're walking around,

because they literally did just tap people on the shoulder. Megan goes, we're looking for consensual relatives. I didn't even hear that. Consensual relatives. Do you consent to be my relative? No. This is great, because I'm about to hand my jeans down to my kid. Like, I can give my kid the gift of heritage.

Isn't it so strange that we've been in Ireland for like four days and we still haven't even run into Kathy Ireland? That's weird. Is she in hiding at Greystones because my ancestors burned her alive in a in a conference room i see windows everywhere but no kathy ireland it just doesn't make sense so ben shan what is it oh i wrote ben shan should i text this is megan was i drunk i'm making fun of how dumb they are and i'm like what am i am I even typing here? Oh, so Shannon's like, should I text Megan? Maybe I should text Megan. Oh, yeah. And see if she's tapped anyone on the shoulder and found her family.

I love that all the other women are making fun of this so deeply. Yeah. You're gonna go tap people on the shoulder. And Tamara's like, that's weird. Yeah. And Megan, what's your last name? He's like, o'connor vedoodle she's like that's my dad's first name i'm english this is harder than i thought oh megan so over at a farm some cows van yes the women joke right there it was good though it was good so the other women they get

out of a van at the bailey's farm this is the farm that makes the cream for bailey's irish cream um and of course like the very first thing that happens that vicky almost steps in in cow shit and then she screams like you you know, like bloody hell as if she almost got her foot bitten off. And they have, okay, this guy Joe. Hello, I'm Joe, the owner of the belly form. I don't know how to do an Irish accent.

I'm Joe, Joe Hayden. Hello, Joe Hayden. Joe Hayden, Joe Hayden. Oh, that's good. You just have to do a tut-a-tut beforehand. Tut-a-tut-a-tut. Joe Hayden. Oh, that's good. You just have to do a tut-a-tut beforehand. Tut-a-tut-a-tut. Well, this guy is so smarmy. Smarmy, rather.

I was just saying patience. He's like a smarmy schmear. He's so smarmy. I'll bet he takes money out of their purses when they're not. He's like, leave your purse on the table, ladies. And then takes money out. He's just so smarmy. I'll bet he takes money out of their purses when they're not. He's like, leave your purse on the table, ladies. And then takes money out. He's just so smarmy. I love the Apu accent.

The Apu accent for Joe Hayden is great. I can't do it. What do you want me to say? But he's in a lot of it. Leave your purse on the table. Ladies, thanks for coming, ladies. Leave your purse on the table, then. Hadley, dadley, doodley, dadley. so he makes them all put on these like white suits because they were going to milk some cows

they have to put on these white suits and vicky's like oh why do we need this much protection to milk a cow i'm like it's not for your protection it's from their protection we're trying to keep as much of the orange county inside the suit like hey, hey, these cows got PayPal? Cack. Hey, cows. Cack. Cows for cack. Kill all cows. Oh, no, you probably don't want to support that, do you? Whoa, why are the cows so

bad? I love Vicky saying, oh, no, I don't drink milk because I know it comes out of an animal. Did you just have a hamburger yesterday? I love her idea of, like, being nice to animals. You out of an animal. Did you just have a hamburger yesterday? I love her idea of being nice to animals. You can eat the animal, just not whatever comes out of them. Yeah, no.

And then later in the episode, she's like, no, no, I don't want any butter, just some cheese. You know that that's dairy as well, right? You know? Oh my goodness. Double nose. So yes, the women have to put on these suits because you know the the they go into this this milking area and the cows could potentially poop and pee and all that stuff

i love shan she's like who wants to who wants to touch poop i don't i don't david david david david never used to like touch poop but now he touches poop all the time. David, David, why don't you touch the poop? When the guy was telling him to get ready, he's like, ladies, tug it out, ladies. And Heather goes, tug out, tug it out. He's like, tug it out, tug it out, tug it out, tug it out. Sounds like something boys do. I love that she understood it the whole time. They're acting like this guy is speaking Swahili.

I know. Which would be better with my accent au revoir but um so then they uh they go they go they go in and they have to like attach these like mechanical pumping things to these udders and stuff and like heather does it first you know because she is doctor and mrs try things a lot whatever it's like steaming the cow's vagina well i mean if there's anything that claw hands are perfectly made for it's for milking a cow clamp the otter otter clamp the otter clamp the otter yeah they should have just had her stand by a cow and get really mad about something do you know what it feels like to have a buck with a husband who's not even there?

It's like, oh, you've got a whole bucket full. Congratulations there, young lady. Terry, it's Heather. We need a milking room in our new mega mansion. Put it on. Load in the cows. I want hexagonal milk coming out of those cows, Terry. Hexagonal milk.

Collette, get on the cow. I don't know who comes up with this shit for them to go milk a cow, but I was dying. Tamara's acting so terrified, but she's had her breast done like five times. It's like, don't bring up milking with Tamara. It'll just send her into a paranoid breast reduction again. And then Vicky's like, we got cow asses right in our face. I was like, how do you think

that dancer felt? Listen, Vicky, you dated Brooks for four years. You can deal with a cow ass. Vicky, she's well, no, not gonna do it. I No not gonna do it I'm not gonna do this I'm out this is the weirdest thing I've ever done in my entire life

Vicky aren't you from the midwest Can't you handle cows Is it a bad time to bring up the cat commercial You did in your kitchen with a purse A giant purse It's not the weirdest thing you've ever done in your entire life And that's just within the month I do have to say when the cows started to pee not only was i really rooting for the cows i was laughing so hard because they it was like like these faucets were going off and

like one cow started to pee and then another and tamra's like they're big they're big and they're just like running like they were just so scared and meanwhile joe is there and all he has is an apron he doesn't care He's just cracking up. He's like cracking up with all the new change he just stole from their purses. And then Heather. Heather's like, milking a cow is so violent. It's not sexy. It's not like it's Fifty Shades of Cow.

I was like, oh. I was just waiting for Bette Melita to show up in a little pink and white gingham outfit and start doing her little lady who song. I think they just made her say Fifty Shades of Cow so they could show a montage of Vicky trying to fuck everything in the state. The country.

Megan and Kelly. Megan's like, Hey hey are you from gray hey megan reza megan reza ray it's like hey seriously oh seriously oh seriously tom Kristen. Seriously? Oh, seriously? Oh, seriously, Tom? Top of the morning to you, Tom?

Seriously, the top of the morning? What about the bottom of the morning? Seriously? Seriously, Ireland? She's like, hey, are you from the Greystones? This lady's like, um, yes. Well, no, she's like, no. She's like, are you an O'Toole? She's like, no, yes. Well, no, she's like, no. She's like, are you an O'Toole?

She's like, no, but my mother was. Oh, we're probably related. And it's like, okay. Was her name Hadim O'Toole? Because that's on my family tree. She's like, no. Yeah. And then Megan's like, we're probably related.

And it's like, oh, okay. Megan's listening skills. Yeah. Hilarious. And then I love that, like, then Megan's like, oh, she really does look like a family member. I'm like, you realize that if she was, like, your cut, like, if you're related, you realize it's, like, how many generations the link comes, like, where the link is. It's, like, a few hundred years, okay? You're not going to be passing down, like, the same face on different branches of this tree i'm sorry and she says you look like my mom and then they show they show a side by side of this i mean god bless her this toothless lady in ireland next to megan's

mom these editors are total bitches yeah hilarious just like hey you want to go to the farm and kelly is like yeah but is it barney's god kelly's she is those are so stupid like she knows about barney because you know she's talking about barney's beanery yeah you know that kelly would show up to that frat bar like hey boys so uh kelly and megan show up at the farm it's time for dinner um so terry i'm sorry so vicky is talking that one of her nipples is like too high and like it needs to be adjusted so heather gets terry on to uh facetime and vicky shows her boobs and i think somewhere one of those cows must have fallen over like the cows like we just can't deal anymore we're just let's just give me the give me the mad cow disease because maybe i'm already going through it because this is too much for me the cows are all questioning their own nipples like

wait a second i've never really thought about it but my nipples are uneven too i want four and six the cow's like wow maybe i was botched botched by nature kelly just pulling down her shirt for terry on the facetime yeah um he's like yeah i botched by nature and then vicky's babbling about her vagina and and i love how like as vicky's like talking about her vagina and talking about her boobs they keep cutting to kelly in the corner and kelly looks like she's about to lose it she's like has this she has this sort of like the music every time it cuts with music and she just has the scowl on her face like she is about to explode it was like very exciting they also have this thing where it looks like she's getting something out of her teeth with her tongue you know how you do that? But they just keep showing it to make her look really mad. She's like...

I'm like, wow. She's probably got a piece of chicken in her tongue. And you guys are trying to make it look like she's in the world... She's like a world wrestler. Yeah, she's like China in her heyday. And she's like... Then she starts telling us that she's feeling excluded. All of a sudden, it's like a bunch of mean girls.

Now she feels left out. I'm like, well, you acted crazy and no one wants to talk to you. Like you did it to yourself. Not only that, but they're all looking at a FaceTime. Yeah, and they're also not actually excluding you. They're talking about Vicky's breasts. I mean, if there's any time to be excluded that's the time you should consider yourself blessed okay get your blessing she has an exaggerated sense of reality she feels

that everyone is either all ganging up to exclude her or all ganging up to attack her she never like if she is not like i think heralding the conversation or like stewarding it then she feels like she's being ganged up on in some way. I think she's right that they're all giving her weird energy, but she did, you know, she does act crazy. Even though this Ireland thing, it's hard for me to not be on Kelly's side because they were just, I mean, the nose flick hurt around the world.

I can't believe this whole fight was a fucking nose flick fight. So I'm with her on that. It seems like they were just ready to go after her. But at the same time, you don't have to take the bait every single time, lady. Yeah, I mean, she really – I mean, it's interesting because she seems to even at this point understand the bait. Like she understands that like she becomes a crazy person. I'm trying to think of an analogy. I think there's like some movie or there's something where someone knows if they take the drug, they becomes a crazy person i'm trying to think of an analogy i think there's

like some movie where there's something where someone knows that they take the drug they become a crazy person maybe it's like that maybe it's like that that hulk the hulk from the avengers where he like has to constantly be in a calm environment or scarlett johansson has to come up and be like hey big guy settle down that's what kelly needs is scar joe to come in and just calm her down yeah i just can't feel for her anymore. I remember when my papa took me fishing as a kid and I actually caught the fish and learned how to like beat them on the head with the rock and gut them. And I was so disturbed. And my aunt worked at the Red Lobster, so we ate there all the time.

And I felt so guilty I wouldn't eat the fish. But a couple of years passed and I realized, didn't any of these fish tell the other fish like we're you know don't try and eat a worm just randomly floating around in the middle of the lake like if fish are too stupid to ever learn that squirmy worms just happen to be there it's you know it's a murder it's murder you're being set up to get murdered and then i just found fish delicious again yeah it's really the fish's fault you know if they can't if they can't evolve beyond a simple trick then they don't deserve to be alive yes kelly's just basically one of those dumb singing bass on somebody's or singing bass on somebody's wall you

know never learned since the same tune over and over again. Backstreet Boys song. Backstreet's back, alright! And then her head goes back. And she turns again. Backstreet's back, alright! Stop it! Backstreet's back, alright! Ugh. I don't know why she'd sing that song, but I feel like that's the sort of song she would sing if she were a mounted mechanical singing

bass fish. Yeah, wearing like a Madonna hat. Like, you're 50. Stop it. So, you know, it's funny. I'm with'm with you i'm like i don't really feel bad for her anymore at least that's how i felt at this part of the episode but things changed for me so anyway um so then what i love is that joe hayden comes up and he's like all right ladies i'm very excited because we're gonna serve you a steak dinner and we have the best butcher in all of Ireland and perhaps all of the United Kingdom and perhaps all of Europe in general. He's going to serve you the most delicious steak you'll ever have in all the world. And then he brings out these steaks that are like from Sizzler.

Did you notice how thin they were? And dry. I'm like, you cannot have that whole speech and then serve these sad ass like fillets they weren't even whatever they were they were just they were so they were just so shitty they were from ralph's yeah that guy wallet stealer it's the best steak in the world ladies oh lord no it's not stole you pocket pick So now, you know, as... I got pooped out and peed out by these things, and now I gotta eat what? Vicky had some funny one-liners.

So then, you know, as is the circle of life, or the circle of Kelly, here comes the big apology to Tamara. And she's like, Tamara... Oh, well, wait. We have to serve it up because they're serving dinner and then of course shannon who's not stirring shit at all it's like so how about sarah oh my god yes your daughter-in-law and she's like yeah but it's great because she's a great daughter and she batch and she you know my grandchildren because she has daughters batch and like i was like how many and she batch and she you know my grandchildren because she has daughters batch like i was like how many and she said she sent me a beautiful mother's day card

oh yeah did you really just say that like how on the nose are you people yeah shannon totally steered the conversation towards that so then kelly's like tamra i just i just want to say no you are a great mother. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Those words just came out of my mouth. I was just thinking out of anger. It was never meant to be heard.

Like, I'm sorry. You're like, you're a great mom. You're so great. And I am so sorry to hurt you like that because I really like you. And I'm so sorry. And you're a great mom. And you're a great grandmother. At which Tamara goes, huh.

It was like the most amazing evil smirk of all time she's and she's getting those puffy eyes where she's ready to start screaming and yelling and losing her shit but she's not good she's not given the chance because kelly is apologizing yeah and i i didn't understand why she i think she's smirked because she was like she heard grandmother and she automatically assumed it was a dig at her age because that's what it would be if tamra had said it but i think kelly was actually i actually think kelly was being sincere i mean i think that she really is like out of control and she she doesn't she can't rein in her emotions and so i think when she apologizes i actually do think that it comes from a sincere place it's just that it feels um it just feels disingenuine

because she has to do it all the time and she's also just so abusive it's such an abusive personality you know it's like i beat you i beat you and then like i'm sorry yeah i didn't mean to i'll never do it again they're like well he said he'd never do it again it's been 20 years your face looks like it's been you know it looks like a deflated punching clown like stop taking him back yeah that's how i feel about kelly like kelly's the abusive man you know yeah she you know that's a very good point she is she is the abuser and um i guess i guess the reason why i'm being sort of sympathetic to her is because i felt bad for her later in the episode sort of um but um i did love that they showed a montage of her, like, just apologizing.

Like, I'm sorry. It just came out of my mouth. It just came out of my mouth. I don't know. It just came out of my mouth. And always legit tears every time. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean it.

Like a little girl. She gets her little girl voice and she cries and says, I didn't mean it. And then Tamara goes, really? Well, thank you. Really? little girl voice and she cries and says i didn't mean it and then she tamra goes really well thank you really it's like it's something so hurtful but and i don't ever think i can get over it well you know what tamra why don't you look at your history on the real houses of orange county and look at how many times you've had to apologize for all the shitty things you've done okay like yes kelly has a pattern but don't act like you don't have a pattern either i mean we have years years of you having to apologize over and over and over again saying like i'm sorry i should have come to you first i shouldn't have talked

about you like i shouldn't have opened up my stupid mouth i shouldn't have opened up my stupid mouth i shouldn't have opened up my stupid mouth that's old testament batch it doesn't count anymore i literally just pulled a back muscle doing that stupid I should have opened my mouth thing that was Jesus saying stop it Jew I love Kelly's

apology so because she goes Tamara I didn't mean for you to hear it I'm like oh Kelly you were doing so well. You're just like, so she can try and turn it to Shannon. And then Heather goes, okay, yeah, well, you said it two more times in the car, so. Yeah, busted. Claw hand, claw hand, claw hand.

By the way, for those of you who don't know why we say claw hand, it's because whenever Heather explains things, she makes her hands into little claws and opens and closes them. And if she doesn't do it, we just imagine that she does it. Like she's catching flies with hand chopsticks. Yes. The karate kid. Or she's making little hand puppets and they're talking to each other. You said it two more times in the car. So while this is all happening, then Joe comes up.

He's like, oh, ladies, I have a treat for you. I just made him Australian. But he's like, oh, we have some Irish cream right from the farm in the Bailey's. And of course, the women are so appreciative. They're like, I'm not going to have any. No chance. I am not a fan of 50% cream. It's all or nothing.

First, you serve me sugar and fat. And now you want to serve me cream nope nope i will not have any damn it damn it meanwhile to make it even more awkward kelly's over there hugging shannon going oh i really do love you i really do i'm really sorry and tamra's like um thank you thank you yeah I really don't want to talk about this right now. Well, no. What was great was actually Kelly's words were, unless you were about to say it, Kelly just hugs Tamara and goes, thank you for forgiving me. And Tamara looks at her like, I never forgave you.

I mean, as a Christian, I'm supposed to forgive. As a Christian, I'm supposed to forgive. But this situation, did Jesus have somebody call him a terrible mother after his daughter refused to call him and then put mean Facebook posts up about him? I don't think so. As a Christian, I'm supposed to forgive. But as a bitch, I'm supposed to yell at her.

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when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

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Smile at my hugs, okay? So over at the hotel, oh, and also I have to point out that Vicky is watching all of this and she goes, I can understand why Megan felt ganged up on, but I couldn't say anything because, you know, I've

been, oh yeah, Kelly, I can understand why Kelly felt ganged up on, but I can't say anything because i've been beat up enough okay it's all it's all about vicky well i also don't think that vicky is under any obligation to defend kelly's crazy behavior maybe she could have said i mean and and also vicky is smart because she understands that she's on such thin ice with these women that if she tries to defend Kelly, it's actually it'll actually make a situation worse. You know, so she just she's just she started it. Vicky started it. She's like, she flicked me.

She flicked my nose. I don't appreciate it. It's disrespectful. And Tamara's like, what? Like, that's like, well, she flicked Heather first, though. Didn't she flick Heather? No, she flicked. Well, yeah, she flicked Heather first. And Heather was like, just stop. That's enough. And then she flicked Heather first, though. Didn't she flick Heather first? No, she flicked... Well, yeah, she flicked Heather first,

and Heather was like, just stop. That's enough. And then she flicked Vicky, and Vicky's like, stop, I don't like it. She goes, no one likes it. And then Vicky walks over to Tamara, and she's like, just flick me the nose. It's very disrespectful.

I find that very... It's very... It's disrespectful. And then Tamara's like, just stop it, Kelly! Like, she was getting Tamara purposely riled up after giving her multiple shots. Like, she totally took a play out of Tamara's book. She's like, here, Tamara.

Have a shot. Have a shot. Have a shot. Have a shot. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Have a shot. And then set her up to blow, which she did. And then now Vicky's just sitting back like, what? What'd I do? What happened? Well, to be fair, I think Tamara was ready to unleash some bitchitude anyway. I think Tamara was waiting to get drunk so that way she could do something super bitchy and go off on someone and then just say, oh, I was drunk.

It wasn't like me as a real Christian. So I think she was just waiting for this moment all season so that we should get drunk and do something crazy. Although this episode, I mean, this was definitely all old school Tamara this episode. Tamara's like, I'm on vacation, and I'm not only on vacation from Orange County, I'm on vacation from Jesus right now, because classic Tamara is here to play. Yes, and it was classic Vicky.

Because look, who does Tamara sound like? Kelly. Kelly is just another incarnation of someone who gets drunk and goes crazy. Tamara found jesus yes but she also found sobriety because she has to for a stupid competition yes which is why she's not screaming and yelling at everybody this season she's doing that vicky is still teeing her up just like the old days vicky hated gretchen and they even show those gretchen clips where what what is it called the tequila well we'll get there later but they even showed those clips vicky

hated gretchen from the beginning and, you know, sure enough, like, you tee Tamara up with a couple of shots and set her off. I mean, it's classic. So anyway, it's the next day and Tamara is still, she still wants to kill Kelly. Actually, at this point, I feel like Tamara

needs to sort of, like, I understand if she's like, well, fuck that bitch, but, like, the fact that her rage is still, like like at 10, you know, there's already been an apology. You know, I think it's time to start simmering down. So Tamara's like, keep me away from that batch batch. So the next today's activity is Heather has arranged for the girls to go biking. So the excitement continues on oc um yep and notice that heather has come down with a flask yeah of something that she would never ever drink ever yes and she's gonna be

wild and crazy yeah yeah you know something's coming because it's very rare that heather will have a flask especially full of fireball like who does that and of course it has the double c oh asshole she makes me crazy it's a chanel flask it's totally different i loved her controlled spontaneity like look at this i'm being wild and crazy i'm i'm just gonna be a fun gal i'm not fancy pants. I got a flask from Chanel, and we're going to play with it from the hour of 2 p.m. to 2.45. Vicky thinking she's – and she is hilarious. I mean I laugh even though I know she's totally setting up her own situations. But in this one episode, Vicky couldn't – she got her arm caught in a trunk. Yeah.

And now she can't ride a bike. I'm like, how does this woman own a damn company? I think she was playing it up again. I think Vicky likes to be a ham and she likes to be like a klutz. And she's like, whoa, oh God, oh gosh. I thought it was a little over the top. It is, but that's what I mean.

She's faking all this stuff, but she wants us to believe she's this intelligent woman who owns this insurance business that she's always trying to sell on the show. Like, you can't have it both ways, lady. Yeah. And Shannon, meanwhile, is just biking along. Out of my way!

Out of my way! Gotta find David's mistress. Well, I'm gonna start bicycle insurance. Kill all bikes. And truck insurance, in case anybody gets their figure stuck at the truck handle. So then, while they were biking you know tamra needs to be kept separate from kelly so megan takes tamra on a tour of power squirt manor or whatever it is and megan graystones well graystones graystones is the town but and power squirt

there's like power squirts or whatever which is the hotel. PowerSquirt is the hotel, yeah. But there was also, the grounds were also PowerSquirt. Yeah, so the bike riders went over to the PowerSquirt. Other PowerSquirt. But meanwhile, well, either way, Megan and Tamara were on the grounds. And here's what Megan was doing. We're going to see the place where my ancestor was executed. It's like, there was a fire here my ancestor ruled over these ruins and she said the touring lady's like hello welcome to the tour of the blah and she's

like oh i'm an o'toole aren't we the best you guys love us here right and she's like oh no the o'toole's they killed 60 people they got trapped in a room as the O'Tools burned down the room and killed them all inside. Oh, okay. Timer's like, that makes me think of Calais. And my vagina sometimes. So over at the gardens. The PowerSquirt gardens. They're like, isn't this beautiful?

And Shannon's like, are you kidding me? I feel like I'm in magic. It's like being with David again in our very happy marriage. Ha! Ha! Gardens. Flowers.

Magic. David. Ha! Ha! We water these gardens almost as much as David waters our relationship. Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ma! Mother Donna's not allowed in the garden. So Heather whips out her shots and her Chanel flask full of

fireballs, which is where we really know something is fucked up this episode. Because she is armed with all sorts of alcohol. Yeah, and first of all, fireball is – I know some people feel like it's delicious, but it's actually kind of disgusting. It's like disgusting and delicious all at once. Like it's a nice, ooh, fun, cinnamon-y flavor, but it's actually kind of sticky and disgusting.

I also feel like nothing makes me roll my eyes more than when someone says, let's do shots of Fireball. It's like, ugh. And also, I'm like, you're ladies of a certain age. You should let's do shots of fireball it's like uh and also like i'm like you're ladies of a certain age you should not be doing shots of fireball i mean didn't didn't fireball peak with dj james kennedy just glugging yeah that's vanderpump rules like fireball shots like that's so vanderpump rules and don't think for one second that heather did that for herself she would never order fireball shots but guess who would tell me well yeah kelly is totally a girl from the 90s who would order fireball shots for everybody and i'm sure that heather heard her on that dinner cruise or

something like do you guys have fireballs and brought along a nice little flask of it just for her yeah they're like we're gonna wind this woman up and we're gonna do some crazy things yep so um kelly goes since when does she carry fireball which is good now kelly sees what's going on already yeah she sees heather is carrying around alcohol they keep everybody in the cast is basically trying to make her drink already and it's just daytime they're like don't you want to drink don't you want to drink and vicky's like yeah it's like a little dog hair like little hair of the dog like well i'm allergic so everyone's like here you want some champs you want some fireball you want some champs you want some fireball and kelly says i see what they're trying to do but falls for

it anyway yeah so this is when i start to feel sympathetic towards kelly then i'm starting to see her as this woman who is totally out of control can't control her drinking can't control her emotions she's in a terrible marriage um she's miserable she needs to get to a better place in her life and you have these women who are preying on her who are like well you know if we get her drunk it'll be a good show and she'll probably do something outrageous and get kicked off. And on top of that, she knows it, and she knows that she's not going to be able to stop herself. And to me, that actually felt tragic.

Yeah, well, alcoholism. But people actively taking advantage of her alcoholism to manipulate her, to get her to do things. It just, it reminded me of some like, I don't know, a film noir or like some movie I feel like I saw once where

someone was like getting drugged and you were there getting drugged but they were just resigned to the fate that they were just going to have to let their evil side out. Yeah, like it's just me you know i mean to her she was pacing herself she only had three drinks per stop that's true she's like to her she's like i'm totally sticking to my diet how am i getting fat like having three having three snickers bars over the course of the day is not different than having three snickers bars all at once there's still three snickers bars yeah i say to myself as i cry

silently in the corner i could totally go for a snickers bar right now so um now it's dinner time and it's the last dinner of the trip tamra is like i'm welcoming back 1991 with a black dress with elbow cutouts she has almost never looked as white trash as she did at that moment and she's already worn a skin-tight black dress in this with the those metal holes on the shoulder she's already worn that in this episode and she even popped it now look tamra's a very pretty lady she works out a lot there's a lot of really great features on tamra her elbows are not one yeah elbows why would you do that yeah it made it look like she was wearing black gloves almost but they weren't because it was actually part of the dress it was just it was bad like we've said it before. This was definitely one of those Victoria's Secret outfits

that's not lingerie and therefore is totally wonky. Yes, those were like meat weenus cutouts. Yeah. No one needs that. It made the inventory at Envy look impressive. It made Posh look like it was on par with Milan. Elbow cutouts, batch! It's the new fashion.

Who does that? It's the weirdest thing I've ever seen. Who does that? So Tamara's talking to Sarah, who's so going to be on this show next year. I think it's still very strange that Tamara and Sarah have this relationship. Well, Sarah is all up in it. She's all up on the Instagram. She's at all the housewives parties and stuff.

She's kind of like a cast member that they're just not showing yet. Sarah is playing her cards right. She is totally a Brittany from Vanderpump Rules who now has her own spinoff. So that girl, that Insta loved me what she was doing. And this Sarah Insta love knows what she's doing and this sarah insta love knows what she's doing too you know she's gonna be on the show i almost i mean she's so ubiquitous she was even there at the gas station when brianna had to go to the hospital so yep yes and tamra is trying i'm i'll bet you anything tamra is like pushing for her to be on the show because she keeps

mentioning her mentioning her she's on the phone with her in this scene and then the second she gets on the show she's turning on tamra's ass yeah oh and that'll actually be great yeah so um so by the way so we we also get a flashback of kelly playing croquet and her boobs coming out i mean kelly's boobs i feel like a lot of times they are kept under wraps but every now and then they come out and you're like, Jesus, she has huge implants. Like, it's ridiculous. And Heather's the one who pointed it out. The first thing she says, they meet for pre-drinks in Tamara's room. And she's like, you should have seen the boss.

Kelly was playing croquet. She was so mortified. And then they showed her playing croquet. And then they showed Heather just sitting there peacefully on a water fountain watching. Yeah, that was a great shot of Heather was just ready to go back to her mall house. And Tamara said,

I don't have anything nice to say so I feel like I shouldn't say anything at all, but since when? That's my opinion! So Vicky and Kelly are downstairs, the only people at dinner and Kelly's like yeah I feel like I was being

attacked by a pack of wolves and I was alone and this is the worst trip of my life and Vicky has abandoned me and Vicky's like well they started it what was I supposed to do I started it and I left what are you going to make your appetizer cook all of dinner no they start it

the end so this is where things start to get very interesting I started it and I left. What, are you going to make your appetizer cook all of dinner? No. They start it. The end. So this is where things start to get very interesting. The rest of the ladies come in. Shannon sits down next to Kelly. And she's like, I'm going to get some tequila. Kelly, you want tequila? Tequila, you want tequila? And Kelly's like, no, I don't think I'm going to drink tonight.

Okay, you want a tequila? No, no, I don't want to. Okay, you're going to have a tequila. All right, great. You want to have it, Shannon? I tequila all right great i have a shannon i mean kelly kelly tequila tequila do you like a tequila hey do you know i love that movie peewee herman when he does the tequila remember the tequila dance what a great movie we'll order a peewee herman dancing down kelly's throat am i right kelly you know david david and I love that Mella Gibson movie. Was it Tequila Sunrise? Oh, you should, oh, let's do that.

Tequila, whatever. I don't know what it is. Tequila. She wants tequila. Give him five. Give her five. And also, Total Tamara, this is a Total Tamara move

to announce that she's about to obliterate somebody. As they were leaving the room together, they go, Heather says, oh, we're all wearing black. And Tamara said, yeah, for Kelly's funeral. And so they arrive and Shannon's like, we're at a funeral. Let's order some tequila.

Here lies Kelly Dodd, killed by tequila and her own imbecile-dom. Which is not a word. I would like to thank David's Affair for not killing someone today. We can move our attention over to tequila for killing Kelly's reputation for the rest of time. 40 to 50 shots in her belly.

So Kelly sees what's going on and she tells us what the fuck. No means no. Okay. They're all pushing me, trying to get me wasted so I can act like an asshole, blah, blah, blah. And then Shannon walks off and the music is so tense. Like they know what everybody knows what's going on here, except for Kelly, who also knows,

but no one will talk about it. And even the innocent ones are all giving each other looks. So everyone's guilty here. There are no innocents is my point. And the music is tense. And Shannon, Shannon follows the waiter off and she's like, Oh,

I know how I ordered those tequilas. Make sure that you make it, make them a double or whatever that you do to make them a ton of alcohol. Yeah. To go down the throat of a slut who nobody likes. Can you do that for me, waiter? She's trying to whisper, but they got it all on mic, sucker. Yeah, that was so shady.

Because the thing is this. Shannon does not like Kelly. We know this. They don't have this sort of relationship, especially after what happened like a day and a half ago, where Shannon's be like, ah, get her a drink. Like, get her a drink. Ah, come on. It'll be fun or whatever. Like, they don't have that relationship. So for her to be doing that is like super fake. It's super shady. And when Kelly's like, no, I don't want to have something, you would think that normally Shannon's response would be like, okay, you know, that's probably a good idea because last time I got crazy.

You know, that would be her response. The fact that she was pushing this booze on Kelly and Kelly kept on saying no. And then Shannon was like, all right, two tequilas, two tequilas, three tequilas, one for her. I should give them all to her.

Give them all to this lady over here with the big boobs. You know, it was so massively shady. And, you know, now I think that she's saying, oh, she was just trying to get the party started. I think that's what she's saying on the blogs or on Twitter. No, it wasn't that.

No, Sarah, man. You've been caught so many times. And you wouldn't have been whispering like that. Exactly. You wouldn't be going up off camera to whisper to say, hey, make it a double. Be sneaky about it. No, you would have told the waiter, make it doubles. So it was so evil and i secretly i i like i didn't know whether to love it because it was so evil or to actually be

kind of offended well they all tamra's done it she did it to gretchen and lord knows how many times she's done it in her life heather did they even showed the thing where heather's trying to make all her friends look crazy heather's done it to shannon where they wait for shannon to get drunk and then her and tamra like is she what's wrong with her is she crazy i think she's having a psychotic break yes so they've all done it to each other so it's so it's even that much worse and kelly's seen all those episodes and she knows what they're doing and she's even told and she knows what they're doing. And she's even told us she knows what they're doing. And she falls for it anyway. Yeah, she can't help herself. So the drinks come.

I think there's like a toast. And then we see something on screen that says five hours later. And then we hear a producer. It says, producer, tell me what happened after dinner. And all of a sudden, I was like, what is happening? Like something, time passed, and we have the producer all of a sudden. Holy shit. So then it comes into this thing.

It was like an Errol Morris documentary or something. Like everyone's talking about what happened, you know? So Vicky and Kelly knocked onra's door to go out drinking okay and tamra was like no i'm not gonna open the door because i don't want to hang out with kelly so she didn't open the door and while this was happening according to shannon i very calmly said kelly what's going on now you're ready to go out no that's not how you said it shannon i know that's not how you said it because you've never said anything that calmly,

but I loved how she was like, I very calmly said it, you know, just how I'm always very calmly asking David why he's always banging women at the beach. Damn it. And Kelly said, Kelly said,

well, Vicky said they knocked on Tamara's door and then didn't Kelly say that Tamara came out and started screaming at her? No. Was that later? No. What? No. So what happened was.

There was so much happening at one time. It was great. It was a cut from lady to lady. So basically, no one wanted to drink with Vicky and Kelly. So Kelly went into her room and that was that. But then I think that Tamarara oh tamra she called everyone else and said she's in bed no no now let's party oh did she i i know that tamra shannon and heather no tamra tamra shannon and heather went down to the pub to drink and then they

invited vicky down i believe it doesn't matter who. No, because Vicky said, I know it's not nice to not invite Kelly, but I just wanted to have time with the other ladies, and I knew they were mad at her. I think that's because they texted her to say, oh, it doesn't matter. No, no, they texted her later, because once they were drunk and having fun... They texted her

and said, come on down, and Vicky was like, well, I feel bad not inviting Kelly, but I wanted to have time with the girls, so I went down. At least that's how i heard it it doesn't really matter it doesn't yeah it doesn't um the point is that vicky went down and then they're all drinking they're having fun um uh and while drunk camera of course vicky so apparently vicky told tamra things that kelly had said and of course, drunk Tamara. I mean, this is classic Tamara. What does she do?

She takes a selfie with Vicky and texts it to Kelly, basically saying, like, fuck you, bitch, right? Whatever she said. And sends a whole paragraph of fuck you's to her. Like, Vicky told me all this stuff you said. La, la, la, la, la. Batch. And this is, like like going off on her in a text they show a wall of text

from her so finally I mean Kelly Kelly was doing well she was doing well she saw what they were doing all night long she was resisting but a woman can only be so strong and it's 2 30 in the morning and now

Kelly has lost it, because she's like, I never said anything about you, Debra! I never said anything about you! This is in the hallway. There's no cameras. Heather is filming this on her cell, which is just so shady.

It just shows Heather for who she really is. She's like, we are getting this. We've worked for this all week. Yeah. And by the way, major fail on Bravo's part that they did not capture this fight while it was happening. But then again, of course, the fight might not have happened if Bravo cameras were there. And it's also two nights in a row because they let Vicky and Kelly go out and party alone and didn't have any cameras there either.

Like, what is this? What are you going to bed? Hello? Yeah. this was poor so um yeah so now kelly is in the hallway screaming is she's i forget even who she's she's screaming at tamra she's screaming at i think she's screaming at tamra saying i never said anything uh or she's screaming at vicky i don't know what it is she's just doing that sob thing where she's like i didn't say anything i actually felt bad for her at that point to me i was like because she probably did say something but she doesn't even remember but like to me i'm like this is a woman again a like certifiably crazy woman who is now in a situation where now she is being ganged up on she keeps on saying they're ganging up on me, but now she actually is.

She has been this whole episode. Yeah. And not only that, but Vicky, like Vicky is the worst. Well, they're all the worst in this case, but Vicky took her out,

got her drunk to make her feel better about everyone shitting on her all day. Then took that information, gave it to Tamara drunk again, because she knows what tamra is gonna do then just sits back and watches it then shannon's like well i was the one who told heather to film it because kelly was on a rampage uh really because it looked like that camera was going the second that door opened yeah you fucking bit you people are so evil. They're so mean. So Kelly is now like, her clothes have turned to shreds.

She's wearing only her blue jean shorts. She is in full Hulk mode. And you know, when Kelly gets to that level, there's no coming down. And they are piling into this bus at three in the morning to go to the airport. And she is just, I mean, she's just losing it.

And she's talking to, I think, Megan. And she's like, well and she's and she's talking to i think megan and she's like well you know she's like they can dish it but they can't take it they can't take it i love shannon goes oh i took it kelly i took it oh i've taken it missy and kelly goes i didn't do anything to you today and shannon tries to act like she's being so calm and this and that so kelly goes oh yeah keep drinking you drunk you're a drunk you're a drunk and then i love she just and then i i forget even what they're saying to kelly but then then kelly just goes off on shannon she's like shut up i'm not talking to you shut your mouth don't point your finger at

me why don't you start shaving your freaking chin off with that all that hair on there and i was like how could you accuse shannon of having hair on her chin and heather typical heather the light from her phone is lighting her face because she's always on her fucking phone ignoring everything just making shitty comments it's like you go so low kelly bitch you just carried around a flask of fireball yeah so well the amazing throw stones all you want but and then the amazing then heather and tamra start whispering to each other saying gosh we've we feel bad for kelly's kid i'm like excuse me yep excuse me exact same thing that's the exact same thing at least kelly was talking about the kid who actually left you because you're a fucking monster and is old enough to say that herself.

Well, I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I think that – I don't know the situation. I think the situation with Tamara's daughter is really terrible because she's got this awful Simon probably in her ear turning. I mean, Tamara's no saint, but like she does definitely does not deserve to have this. I will never feel sorry for Tamara. And it's for episodes like this, but Tamara can go pretending all she wants to,

but then she turns around and says something even worse because that girl's kid is still a young kid and still likes her mom. You know, like I'm not trying to say that in a callous way but like she she still really likes her mom you know tamra's kid there are issues there etc i don't know i just i i mean i mean don't get me wrong i i actually i mean i agree i do feel bad for kelly's kid but i don't like you can't go and be like when kelly said well i wonder why your kid doesn't talk to you and then do this thing and hyperventilate in the back of a bus and scream at Kelly and go off on her and then do this whole thing of like, well, I feel bad for Kelly's kid. That kid's – it's like, no, that's the same thing, Tamara, that you're being a hypocrite.

Yes, and also they all know that – because Kelly's told them like an idiot. But they all know that Kelly's tried to leave her husband, couldn't leave her husband because he was fucking with all the money. He was trying to get full custody of the kid, and they are on national TV trying to get her drunk, making her look stupid, and then saying she's having a psychotic break, and they feel sorry for her child because she's unhinged. It's, like, disgusting.

And Kelly is a nightmare of a human being and she has been on this show she's so immature she's she's awful she loses in almost everything but tamra is such a horrible satanic woman that she can make me take kelly's side i know it's crazy but that's real life miracles batch but you know though that's also the genius of tamra right because she does something at least once a season just so awful and yet she does it to the exact right person to make the drama so spectacular do you almost have to respect it like kelly is just kelly as you said is a nightmare of a person but to no end end, right? At least Tamra, like, oh, she's such a nightmare. Tamra is a terrible person, but thank God we have her.

Thank God we have her. You know, Kelly is really, Kelly, I feel like I actually would not be surprised if she gets fired because, I mean, we've been talking on our tune-in show and this show and who knows where else about her rants on Twitter, et cetera. But she got into it with a fan and she was like, you're fat. You're a fat fucking pig. You know,

we're just like, your kid is embarrassed of you. Like she, she's like, yeah. Doing it to the fans. I feel like Bravo will not like it. Of course we,

we don't know what that fan may have said on Kelly's page, but either way, you just can't do that to the fans, which I know is a double standard but that's like you know the fans are the ones who are watching the show so they're you know I don't think Bravo will like that but we'll see I mean

wow I mean Kelly I don't even know what to make of Kelly Dodd yeah Kelly's awful but the women were guilty of totally sabotaging her on this episode. I did enjoy Heather getting high and mighty saying, nothing you say will hurt me because you are trash. And bringing up the old psychotic break.

I think you're having a psychotic break. And then Vicky saying, Heather has a history of making her friends think they're having a psychotic break and then they showed a montage of heather telling gaslighting people and then saying they're having a psychotic break which you know the editors i love that they're never on anybody's side they seem to just hate everybody here so great i was like just thoroughly enthralled in this entire mess i'm so i'm so enjoying it uh real housewives of orange county has been on a roll this is the third season in a row that I think has been great I think honestly Shannon Medore

ever since she came onto this show it has been firing on all cylinders and they've had cast changes there was like the Shannon's first season which was like the crazy Shannon season next season was Meghan King-Edmunds. She comes on.

It still works. Now Kelly Dodd comes on. It's still working. It's great. Yeah. It's a fun show, but God, it's trashy. Oh, it's trashy. It's the trashiest.

It's so trashy. They're just so mean, and I usually love that stuff. But you've got me on Kelly's's side now camera you are an awful human being you will always be the worst human being on the real housewives to me i think she's a horrible human being and she has tricked me a couple of times this year where i'm like wait a second she's being so consistently not awful but now i think it's been proven that she's just been sober so that doesn't count uh i in a weird way i really enjoy being on kelly's side i don't know why i just i think it's like because she's such a disaster it's kind of fun rooting for the disaster i don't know you know what i

would actually like to know what matt would feel thinks about this because i i bet he has a very specific opinion on these two. Yeah. Well, we'll have to ask him soon. It's getting to be that time. Yeah. Yeah. So that's Orange County.

Let's move on to Real Housewives of New Jersey. Speaking of milking cows, et cetera, and disasters. So this was like one of those very serious, very special episodes in New Jersey that they have every two weeks because it was all about Joe moving away. Not moving away, going to jail. So it begins with the Judas clan over at Magnolia Bakery in New York City making cupcakes because they're trying to get like some last bits of family time and memories in before he goes off to jail you

gotta love that theresa as depressed as she must be with you know that midge going to jail that she still can find a way to find free shit anywhere it's like yeah a scene shot at magnolia with she doesn't have to shoot with anybody else when she gets a ton of free carbs for those damn kids you know those are going to be in little ziplocs in the freezer for breakfast for the next year i'm jealous um yeah so it's like cupcakes and then they they start all the little girls were making birthday cupcakes for joe because he won't be around for the first birthday and then there's like a group hug you know it's nice it's nice yeah i guess my husband's a stucco guy so he understands the batter okay so then um so then we go elsewhere across across the river in new jersey um jacqueline and ashley are going shopping for baby clothes so i'm already

like oh yeah fast forward just fast forward that yeah it was just stupid and of course jacqueline starts to cry because she's upset that like you know it's like really upsetting that like i'm mad at like melissa now and like i can't like at a time when i want to be able to share all these good things aka all this time like i want to brag about the fact that i'm having a granddaughter and now i have no one to brag to yeah i'm not i'm not invited to shoot in any scenes and i just got myself back on this damn show and it's all because i lost it and couldn't stay calm for five damn minutes yeah and then of course i mean jackal cries over everything she's like ashley says she appreciates me and that's all i want to hear i'm like uh and ashley just keeps going for theresa every time they shoot

ashley she's like well joe made choices and now he's going to be paying for those choices which i don't think that she's wrong but considering her parents just came out of what could have been really fucking ugly uh i feel like she needs to shut her face yeah ashley um uh yeah i'm also concerned that the baby is actually going to come out of her lips because they're getting bigger and bigger every episode but that's a different concern and she's gonna use a midwife and jacklyn's like is she crazy like i could have at least had some free painkillers but i'm actually glad to know that ashley's gonna be feeling every bit of that baby. Little a-hole.

So then over at Siggy's house... One quick thing. I'm so sorry. Did you notice that the baby store was called Albie? Weird. I did notice that. I was concerned. Is that a hint? And did she get pregnant before she got engaged? Because who gets engaged and then is pregnant the next week? Something sounds

fishy, and i'm glad that she's old old-fashioned enough to still get married after she gets pregnant because that's crazy like she still knows how to trap a guy the old-fashioned way at a girl clink the real question is is albie some entrepreneurial effort on behalf of the manzos that we just did not see on manzo with children because they have really fallen from grace they're going from little little big town local pub to maturity wear or baby clothes yeah if that baby comes out blonde we're gonna know the answer because i think that that could have been a sign little albie baby inside of there yeah um so then meanwhile it's siggy's house uh she's got all the kids around her sisters there uh and of course, you know, it's the typical stuff.

Joshua, get off your phone. Get off your phone. It's time for family time. It's time for Mordecai and Rachel. They're reminding them of my parents. And her mom wants to get her eyelids done. She's like, finally, I've got every part of my body done. Finally, 92. body done finally at 92 she's and i love and again i love that like siggy acts like she's in a

romantic relationship with her kids i feel like i'm drifting away from joshua and sophie we're drifting apart it's not fair yeah she actually says this is a family meeting because we're drifting i was like how many you've had 10 of these. I know. How many family meetings do you need to say that you're drifting? And then she goes, we're not as close as I want. My kids want to know something now. They just Google it. That means they're intelligent. Like, could you imagine not using Google and just using Siggy instead?

Hey, Siggy, how do I get from here to the local Starbucks okay here's what you do first you find Joshua you give him a big hug and say I'll be right back I'm just getting coffee do you want anything and then if he says he wants a coffee you say you can't have coffee you're too young to have coffee how about an iced tea

and if he says no I don't want iced tea you say how about a water and if he says I don't want water you say joshua you're still my baby boy and i will tell you what beverage you want from starbucks yeah can we have a starbucks okay then you get in your car and you find a road with a lot of trash can lids on it you drive over every single one of them and for every single one you go starbucks joshua, get a crowbar and try and get out of the cellar door. Okay? Then you get out and realize there's no cell phones and no Starbucks because we didn't have that when I was a kid.

It's like, Ma, you're not helping me. Like, where is the Starbucks? Seriously. Why do you need a Starbucks? Okay? I got everything you need here. I got Maxwell House in the cupboard. Why do you have to leave home?

Okay? Why do you have to go to Starbucks for that? Mom, I just, I like Starbucks. I have a Starbucks card. How about me? When was the last time you got me a card, okay? You used to always make me cards for my birthday. Now you make ones for Starbucks, but not me. We're drifting apart. You get a point

every time you let me stick my finger up your cornhole until you get 20, in which case I get to do it for free, Joshua! You know, you used to always be around me. You used to do it for free joshua you know you used to always be around me you used to love being around me and now you leave for sometimes eight hours a day eight hours a day you leave me mom i go to school that's what that's for i'm not sure this would be a child molestation story if this were a house husband show i know stop touching my ass um and then we get siggy's story because she says, I mean, I was alone for a long time.

And now I need a lot of attention. Because when I was a kid, my dad went to Israel and I was a junior in high school. And there was mandatory military. And I said, no, I'm not going to do that, okay? I mean, I'm all for Israel. But I said, no. So my mother drove me to the airport and my father didn't know I was never coming home. I was like, okay? I mean, I'm all for Israel. But I said, no. So my mother drove me to the airport, and my father didn't know I was never coming home.

Like, what? You ran? You ran away from your father, basically, and now you're complaining how it's so sad that you were alone? Really? It was very trying times! I mean, Siggy, Jesus. No wonder

you're so worried about your kids not giving you enough attention. You've effing left yours. And then meanwhile, her mom is like, I have something I would like to say. I just, I'm very sad because I just want 10 minutes, 10 minutes of my daughter when I come over to ask me, how are you doing? How are you? How do you feel? And I get nothing. Oh, mom, I had no idea.

Joshua, see, see, this is what happens. Look, you think my mom wants to put hands on my thighs and possibly my buttocks? I'll let her because she's my mother. So anyway, now we move forward and it's Joe Giudice's going away party day. And all I wrote down is Melissa and Joe have thoughts on things Melissa and Joe still pretend to care like they give a flying

F about Teresa or Joe being in prison so they can stay on camera yeah basically so while Melissa and Joe are heading to this party it's intercut with Jacqueline and Chris meeting up with Kathy and Rich and rich and rosie and rosie's new girlfriend laura uh when they are all bowling at uh lucky strike and rich

is like hey how about we have a threesome with rosie and her girlfriend laura and kathy kathy how about kathy you and rosie and laura have a threesome and they're like ew rich ew i love the the uh how they met story rosie's like i was did was on, we were both on other dates and I was in the bathroom. And then she says, what do you want to date? And I was like, yeah. And then we exchanged numbers and started dating. I was like, you're like gay dudes. You're like gay guys meeting in a bathroom and then falling in love.

That's like the cutest thing I've ever heard uh that is actually pretty romantic it's it's like for someone to approach like that isn't like the bold thing like don't people always dream of that of like someone being so bold that they would walk up to someone while they're on a date with someone else and be like on a toilet yeah everyone's dream only on new jersey yeah so uh chris is basically like yeah i'm not'm not going to Joe's going white party because I thought the chances of someone going in there and saying something stupid about my wife would be pretty high. I'm like, no, it's usually the chances of you going somewhere where your wife says something stupid is pretty high. It's going to be the most eventless party ever. The most eventless event ever yeah it was basically

at a dave and busters and um there was like a huge amount of video footage from cell phones which makes me believe there was a producer there just with with their cell phones to make it seem more authentic and special instead of having cameras there so he's not supposed to be doing certain things on his um probation i forget what they are but um they probably didn't want cameras there so they couldn't catch you know a felon or something or she's not supposed to be doing stuff on probation so yeah maybe they're not supposed to be receiving religious medals from their lawyer it's like i gave i gave joe religious i gave theresa religious medals to keep a company in jail and and now I'm giving them to Joe. They've got tiny little cell phones in them.

Yeah. Dolores is like, wow. Well, you know, I gave a religious medal to Boo. You know, when he was dying, I gave him a rosary, and I said, Boo, you got to pray to Jesus. And Boo was like, nah, woof, woof. And I was like, come on, Boo, you got to do this. And Boo, he didn't do it. But now he's dead.

And you know what, I miss him so much. But you know what? I miss even more of my old kitchen. When's the new one gonna be done already? I got new counters, but I got no kitchen. I don't know. Frankie's gonna move me out sooner than Frank. I don't know. He helps me sometimes. Maz, I don't know. I used to have a religious medal of granite. But then I had to switch that in for

a religious medal of formica. But you know, Frank's the boss. So, you know, he picks the religious medals. And that's just the way it goes. You know, Zaz is calling me. What's his name? Maz. So then the next day or so,

Siggy and Dolores meet for a meal, which always makes me happy. We're gonna have the shepherd's salad! I know. Dolores, of course, she can only talk about three things. Frank, the kitchen, Maz. So today was, so the TV's going up in the kitchen.

Yeah, we have a TV in the kitchen. We'll have a kitchen. The kitchen's gonna be ready soon. There'll be a TV in the kitchen. Well, it's gonna be wonderful. TV in the kitchen. Yeah, well, you know, it's up there. It's a TV in the kitchen. I wish we would. Dolores kind of looked at Siggy like, oh, Jesus, here we go. Because she's like, how are you? Granite countertops. How are you? And at Siggy like, oh, Jesus, here we go. Because she's like, how are you?

Granite countertops, how are you? And Siggy's like, huh, I had to have a family intervention. That's why Josh was on his phone. And you know what? I know where my issues come from. Because I didn't see my family. And then my mom cried. Jesus Christ.

Big news. Sorry. No, you do it. She goes, is this the Holocaust? No, I wasn't. Maybe we could go to the Holocaust Museum or something, you know, and have a good time together as a family. Yeah. Why?

I told Sophie she could bring Jason Derulo. Hey, Jason Derulo I would love for you to come to the Holocaust Museum with us it'll be so much fun what was the big news the big news is that Sophie is going to marry Jason Derulo Sophie is going to marry Jason Derulo she knows all his songs

she has an autographed neck brace it's amazing and Siggy's like you know the Holocaust because history is important you know what's not important drama with your friends like melissa and terry like you i love that you're bringing up the holocaust to use as a segue hey and the shit that has none of your none of your fingerprints on it at all it's none of your business lady And she's bringing it up again, right as she's saying the Holocaust is more important than drama.

You're the only one bringing up. This is the only show that could somehow bring up the Holocaust, Jason Derulo, and drama all in one breath. The week after shooting in an actual chapel. I still can't get over that. So then we go over to Envy, the hottest

boutique in northern new jersey where the mouth sound of derrick's face he's like he's like i'm on instagram right now and someone took a selfie no selfies melissa's argument we need selfies because then people will say where's your dress and then they click on it and it goes to the website like your instagram isn't connected to your website yet. Yeah, to me, this is a really fascinating argument. You have Derek, the Harvard Business School graduate, talking with Melissa, the star valedictorian of Wharton Business School.

What a wonderful interchange of ideas going on here. She's like, no, you got to have – take a picture of your address. It's got to be on the internet. And he's like, what? Internet? Oh, okay. I guess we have self. Okay, we'll make a plan. Can I film something? Can we just film Teresa doing something

illegal every other week? Because that got me a lot of followers. Yeah, I like how he's a social. I wonder how many followers he has. I have to look him up um holocaust memorial holocaust oh my god these people i just wrote holocaust memorial only on this show and i love here we are at the holocaust all right josh this is what you should be snapchatting instead of yourself the holoca. I'm just imagining all his poor followers being like,

wait, what happened? Wait, why is it the Holocaust now? It was supposed to be Josh and Sophie. They're hoping for a dick pic, and they're getting Holocaust Memorial. Jesus. By the way, I'm looking right now that Derek has quit. He has quit because he was outed.

According to Real House, according to All About the Tea, Derek has quit Envy. Outed doing what? Oh, filming Teresa and stuff like that. Oh, yeah. You got caught, Bats. I hope he's on the reunion, but he won't be.

His Instagram is terrible, by the way. I just want to say his Instagram is terrible. How many followers does he have? He has 10,000. That's good. So it's actually hilarious. He has a pose that he likes to do, and his pose is that his mouth is open. Oh, no.

But it's even more open than it is on the show. It's horrifying. But it's even more open than it is on the show. It's horrifying. So Mordecai tells a story. He's like, kids, I got a story about the Holocaust. I was three years old. And this scene just kept going and going.

I actually liked it. I liked the story. But then they kept cutting to Siggy, who was smiling through the whole thing. I was like, I know you've heard this a million times, but it looks really awkward with you sitting there smiling like your dad is doing a lovely box step on stage. Please stop. I thought it was a great story, actually. And I thought it was pretty amazing. I mean, he is lucky, wow, that he was never in a camp or anything, that he was a Jewish kid during the war and that they, they, they got out on scale.

That's pretty amazing. I was having a moment. I was having a Jewish moment, you know, because I get jokes and I'm witty like that. And Josh knows how to get that allowance flowing from all sides on his birthday. He's like, I feel like such a spoiled,

jappy kid. I just want to live somewhere where I feel pain. It's like, what? You're sad you missed the Holocaust, Josh? Just hug your grandfather and let's go to lunch. As much as we make fun of it, I thought

that was actually a nice scene, and I thought it was like, I was like, oh, this is like some nice parenting. You're teaching them about their roots. On the other end of the spectrum, we have Melania and Adriana rolling rolling around speeding around on a four-wheeler and you have tree going does she know what she's doing and you're going i don't know so what they're not dead yet you know natural selection you know yeah they're still alive and so they uh they're having this awkward talk

where she's like I'm not sure what I was going to do to me when you were in prison I've never been without you for my life in all these years I'm like you just got back from prison he literally goes you just were I mean okay

and whenever Teresa says dumb things which mean, it's every time she speaks, and especially in this scene, she had a lot of dumbass things come out of her mouth. But it's so much funnier to me when she's sitting in front of a grand piano that nobody in the family knows how to play. Yeah. I don't know why that cracks me up. Well, it still cracks me up that they have a suit of armor in the basement. I mean, like, are they expecting a dragon to come through? I mean, I know Kim D is dangerous, but don't need that. She's like, oh, he goes, yeah, but you know, you learn.

Here's what you do in prison. You can learn two things in prison. You learn how to be a criminal or how to be a better person. I still haven't learned how to be a criminal. So hopefully I can learn in prison Because this is embarrassing At this point This just in, I texted Matt Woodfield And I said, Team Tamara or Team Kelly

He says, Kelly for life Oh, Matthew I knew it, I knew it Yeah, that doesn't surprise me Down with Tamara, I'm with you, Matty Yeah, we're with you, we're with you, Matty So Tree suggests Different ways that Joe can entertain himself surprised me. Down with Tamra. I'm with you, Matty. Yeah, we're with you. We're with you, Matty. So Tree suggests different ways that Joe can entertain himself in prison

besides the, you know, obligatory blowjob, right? I get the blowjob, right? You know, there's so many different people of religiosities. Like the Jews, you know, the Jewish peoples, you know, on a holiday, you could go celebrate Ramadan. She literally says, you know, the Jewish peoples, you know, on a holiday, you could go celebrate Ramadan.

Yeah. She literally says, you know, they have Ramadan, which is both incorrect in terms of religion and incorrect in terms of words and syllables. And then she's like, hey, remember when we used to put berries in our mouths and I would chew and spit in your mouth? Let's do that. Why is this scene still on? This is like one of those Melbourne scenes where they just never say cut. Yeah, and then so she takes a strawberry,

puts it in her mouth, and then puts it in Joe's mouth like she's a mama bird regurgitating into her baby bird. It's disgusting. I actually had to look away. Yeah, it was not cute. So the camera crews come to get Joe. And, of course, he's got bangs and $500 sunglasses on, getting ready to go pay his, you know, do his thing, pay back society.

They had like 30 cars in their driveway, by the way. I don't even know how – never mind. I just – I'm shocked sometimes at the – not that they were their cars, but I just don't understand why there are so many cars there. I don't understand so many things about this show. Yeah, like how many times are you people going to get arrested? Because there's no way that they're making all this money. They've got all these cars. Then you go – they show like a long, silent pan of their house

in their living room. They've got these vase things. Did you notice those? They were like three stories tall. Really? You bought those now? Come on, guys. Or Melania was crying in the window.

That was sad. That was sad. But Teresa's done head to toe. And then the car opens, and they do a big hug for the cameras toe and then the door to the thing the car opens and they do a big hug for the cameras and then they get in the car together I think it was oh that's true because they were getting in the car together but yeah they got in

together so it was you know just a big phony baloney moment and then Melissa shows up wearing an envy cap for her like aren't you going to envy Ferdinand? Yeah. The worst. So then, you know, Joe goes to jail,

and he babbles about something. We just hear his voice, like, waxing philosophically about life. Who knows? I wasn't really listening. Yeah, like, you can't predict what's going to happen. One day you could be in a wreck. You know, you could be in a wreck. You could get thrown in jail for no reason. Like, you just don't know. So what are you going to do? What are you going to happen one day you could be in a wreck then you know you could be in a wreck you could get thrown in jail for no reason like you just don't know so what are you gonna do what can you do you just go what you can do you know you um prepare mentally to go in all you can

do is shave your nuts for one last time and hope for the best you know what do i care who cares so then the show kind of like limps to the finish line with a series of unremarkable scenes we have siggy calls up Tree and is like, I just want you to know that you have the full support of not just me, but Jason Derulo, my son-in-law. Josh is off in his cornhole in case you need something to pat or feel better about yourself. Josh will see if you just get off your phone.

Hey, Tree, talk dirty to me. What? Oh, that's what Jason Derulo says. So over at the Gorgas, they're putting together the backyard trampoline. And Melissa's like, are you sure this is safe that you're doing this alone? And the daughter tells Melissa, you be quiet. No more negativity. Daddy's strong.

I was like, uh-oh. He's going to be a little bitch. You just wait until junior high. You in trouble, girl. Yeah. What kid says no more negativity anyway? One of Melissa's. Yeah.

So Melissa's happy because, hey, Joe, you know what was awesome? Is that when Tree got into the car, the very first thing is she texted me and said, love you. It just feels so good to be in that position with her. He's like, yeah, she didn't text me. Also, Joe putting together a trampoline. That just doesn't sound wise. Sorry. No.

Get help. Yes. Oh, wait. What about this part where joe says uh no this is what you do kids you see because it's important that your family's important you know that's my sister and she texted my wife you see like for example that's what you kids gotta do you know that's gonna be dead one day they're like no dad don't die and then the little one of the little boys tells his sister if your boyfriend is ever mean to you i'm gonna murder him and melissa's like don't say that and she's like yeah murder him that's what you do you stab him in the throat if he's ever mean to

your sister i was like this family like this family's hopeless they're literally teaching their children on camera he's like no seriously that's what you do i yeah this scene it sort of was going on and i just stopped listening i think i got distracted i think i was like fiddling with my ipad trying to figure out where i where i was in pride and prejudice i was like you know let me see what the bennett girls are up to i think i'm just maybe they're making a trampoline i i don't know this is're still on Pride and Prejudice. I haven't been able to read it in a week. Oh my goodness. I haven't gotten a chance.

And it's like killing me. The romantic tension between Lizzie and Mr. Darcy is so thick. I can't deal. Like, get together already. Stay together. Just stay together. I mean, she's at Pemberley right now. And it is so awkward um so uh so meanwhile

dolores ciggy and jacqueline are like out on the famous jacqueline deck like where all the conversations happen and they're like putting chocolate sauce and diapers and it was gross but i was actually happy because clearly this was supposed to be a scene about like here's how to be a mommy again like because we always have to have that scene of like taking care of a baby. That's not like a fake baby, but they kind of like shove. They just sort of put that to the side. They had some discussion about how baby poop looks like mustard,

but then basically it was just them talking about like, wow, Joe's gone away. Wow. Did you see the pictures on the radar online? Oh, I got chills. I got chills. I got chills.

So which gives Jacqueline the opportunity to once again make the fake statement she always makes. You know, like, no matter how mad I am at Teresa or how mad she is at mad at me she is, I'll always be there for her. Like, I'll always open my door for her. I'm like, oh, Jack, you will not. Just stop. Stop, like, playing this martyr thing. I'll keep opening my door so I can make her mad again, and then I can have a storyline so I can keep this job for another couple of years

and pay off this goddamn house! Yeah. So then... And Dolores and Siggy, so nosy. But will you go to the party? Will you go to the kitchen party? It's a party for the new kitchen. By the way,

excessive. Excessive. Everyone bring a chunk of granite. So then the kitchen, more kitchen talk, blah, blah, blah. Then the girls are all pretending to cry. Like, this show's so ridiculous. None of you are going to jail. None of your husbands are going to jail so ridiculous none of you are going to jail none of your husbands are going to jail and then you are even real friends with theresa so please just

be quiet so we end with tree who will exploit every goddamn moment of her life like having to watch her children sob or melania the only one i care about having to sob while the dad gets taken away to jail like come on have some pride yeah basically ends the first night in bed with the kids uh everyone except of course gia who's like fuck this yeah gia's like already back at the teenager but she's like mom i hate beds so she's in a cute scene with her kids but i I'm like, God, you guys can't even let the kids have one. Like, let them just cry in bed on the night their dad left. God.

I mean, I felt really bad for those daughters. I mean, that's tough. But at the same time, I'm like, you know, don't act like this was some evil government conspiracy. You guys committed fraud. How dare you, Ben? Even if they deserve it. You have to be an empty shell of a human being to not feel something right now. That's a sicky quote from the episode.

I thought of you when that happened. I was like, yeah, that's to you, Ben. What you say? What you say? Jason Derulo again. Sophie's favorite. Great song. Empty shell? Jason Derulo again. Sophie's favorite. Great song. Empty shell.

Jason Derulo's new song. Ben is an empty shell. Jason Derulo. Oh, great singer, Jason Derulo. Great dancer, too. I can't wait to do the Havana Gila with his family at Sophie's wedding. Maybe we could do it to the tune of your song, Happy. Wrong one. Oh oh i'm sorry i always get your song in my head get it in my head that's your song right jason derulo come on why do birds

suddenly appear every time jason derulo is mia jason i want you to want me. And by me, I mean Sophie. She loves you, Jason. Why don't you give Sophie a shot? Have you seen her Snapchat? It's lots of wonderful pictures of her beautiful face and some of the Holocaust Museum, okay? Go look at it, Jason. Jason puts his right foot in.

He puts his right foot out. He puts his right foot in and shakes it all about. Right, Sophie? So, Jason, so you think he can dance, but can you marry my daughter? I don't know. So stiff, man. Oh, my goodness.

Wrap her up, man. Hey, we got to the end of our podcast today. This was a long one today, partly my fault. We had a nice long talk before we even recorded these 19 hours. I know. It's because we did that song for the tune-in episode that added 45 minutes.

It was worth it. It was worth it. So if you want to hear that, you go to the tune-in premium and subscribe for one episode. Everyone, thank you so much for listening. Hangout is next week. Subscribe on iTunes. Support on Patreon. Join listening. Hangout is next week. Subscribe on iTunes, support on Patreon, join on Facebook,

follow on social media. You know the drill. We'll talk to you later this week when we will be discussing Below Deck, Million Dollar Listing LA, and another episode of Yours, Mine, or ours. Peace.

Bye. Bye, everyone.