Watch What Crappens - #339: From Hair to Eternity

Episode Date: October 20, 2016

Romance is in the air on Below Deck, and rubbery people are still charging too much for houses on Million Dollar Listing LA. Reza makes his way to Texas on Yours Mine or Ours, and his old relationship issues creep into his real estate sales. Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. Timestamps: 21:35 Below Deck 1:04:25 Million Dollar Listing LA 1:31:05 Yours Mine or Ours See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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love to talk about on ye olde brahvs i'm ronnie carom from trash talk tv and the rose pricks bachelor podcast but right now it's finding prince charming podcast and i'm with the gorgeous and talented ben mandelker from the b-side blog and the banter blender hello bean oh hello ronnie how are you baby i am so great how are you you are with your excuse um my i have no excuse i'm lying actually i'm not great i've been craving mcdonald's all morning and i thought i was gonna get it for breakfast and then i was like no be good so i had special k and then i thought i'd have it for lunch and i, no, it's too lazy to go outside the house. So I had to think thin bar.

But I feel like I'm depriving myself of happiness right now. So I'm just trying to keep it together. Well, after this, you can celebrate with a happy meal, Ben. That's a great idea. That's why they're called that. That's right. A happy meal. So everybody, to find all our links, you can go to watchwhatcrappens.com.

Okay? That's where you're going to find everything that I'm about to tell you. For our subscribers, you can go to patreon.com slash watchwhatcrappens. Become a subscriber. There's so much stuff in there. There's weekly bonus episodes. This week was our rundown of Top Chef, which is coming up. We just did a blind – well, not blind.

What do you call it, Ben? When you just make fun of people without knowing anything about them? Oh, when you basically do – Like blind mockery, I would like to say. It's a blind mockery. We literally saw them, so I mean that sounds weird. But we made fun of the Top Chef cast. Based off of no information, essentially.

Little to no information. Going on our instinct, our gut instinct, which is not always correct, but that's fine. Their jewelry and their tattoos, basically. There's a guy with foie gras tattooed on his knuckles. Enough said. Yes. That's begging for judgment. Yes.

That's like murdering someone in a court and then wondering why you're being judged. Like you're literally in front of a bench. Uninformed judgment. Yes. Uninformed judgment is perhaps what we should call it. So that's out, and that's a really fun one. So if you want that, patreon.com slash watch what crap ends. Also, our Google Hangout is next week.

That's also a Patreon thing. That's a video party. Yeah, we do once a month. And so everybody who's is doing that be warned and also our ringers are coming out um probably this weekend and next week so come check that out our fun ring towns also go to facebook.com slash watch what crap happens if you want to talk to other listeners uh about the shows while they're airing live and also comment on these podcast episodes and what else ben that's it right well you know i have uh i have to give first of all a shout out to rum chata like

literally minutes before this podcast i forgot to tell you this uh before we were on the air uh minutes before we got a delivery those guys at rum chata were kind enough to send us some booze ronnie i have a bottle for you um so thank you thank you good people of rum chata were kind enough to send us some booze ronnie i have a bottle for you um so thank you thank you good people of rum chata i am really excited to dig in to this booze and like i don't know i don't know what the rules are for about talking about booze that was sent to you i don't know if there are but i just want to say thank you and i'm going to have fun with it and rum chata is now being shuttered by the government yeah Yeah. Well, they're not a sponsor or anything. Thanks, rum chata.

But they had heard that we like it. So they're like, we'll send you some product to try it out. So you know what? Girl, I love some product. Let's face it, okay? We like rum and we like chata, okay? Both good, okay? Two positives don't make a negative, okay?

Two positives don't make a bad chada. Would you believe it? They're sending me a rum chada for my wedding. We were just doing our ringers earlier, so we're stuck on Real Housewives of New York and Melbourne. Yeah. So, yeah, that's really cool, and it's so appropriate on a week when we were discussing cream and and booze uh on real housewives of orange county um but also there's another random little bit of uh housekeeping i want to tend to last week i had a a little hyped raffle on this podcast where uh we gave away a board game to um some people

randomly uh who donate on patreon at the $5 level or higher. But there were snafus, and so we're redoing the raffle. So those of you who thought that your moment had passed to win a free copy of Karuba, don't you worry, because we're going to just do it right now and just get it over with. So I'm on random.org to pull up a random number, and that number is 18. It's a raffle. It's a raffle. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

Okay, we have a winner. The winner of a free copy of the board game Karuba, which was nominated for board game of the year and is very fun, I can attest to it, is MJ Steel. MJ Steel. MJ Steel, congratulations. is very fun i can attest to it is mj steel mj steel congratulations you won a board game so mj um get in contact with us so that way we can start figuring out uh how to get it to you uh you can just you know email or message us or whatever yeah cool um so what what do you want to i'm sorry i was drawing a chicken. I was doodling during the contest. You get the chicken drawing in your raffle also.

Do we want to raffle off the chicken drawing? I've got the random number generator up. So anyone, like anyone, we can raffle all day long. I've got a Sharpie over here. We can send that to someone. This note page says, Real Housewives of Dallas anorexia heart chicken so i don't know i don't know what any of this means really but there you go there you have it people um all right well i think we can just get on with it do it man shall we so shall we old mailbag

god bless it you know what's funny let's face it while you were saying do it i received a text message from someone saying do it so weird whoa waiting for our nike shoes to do a speed walk after we drink some rum chata oh wow um let's go into this Krappens mailbag. Oh, you know what? I had it open, and now I've closed it. I've got to dig it out again. Oh, for crying out loud. Oh, this is why no one uses mail anymore, because it's not reliable.

You go to the post office, you go to the Krappens post office, and you wait in line for half an hour before you get any sort of service. Am I right? Real mail is the worst. I filled out my mail by bail. mail by bail that's how you vote i love mail by bell she does a great job with her post service although sometimes it takes a while when she gets to goes to a castle and just gets locked up in there forever but you know eventually get postcard. My family was all burned alive in there. Yeah, it's like Martha, the late, you know, the ex-con on bail delivering your mail. Sorry that was late.

I blew a high alcohol level and had to spend the night in jail. It's like, oh, geez. Crazy bail. Yeah. Okay. By the way, if this is a sign of things to come for the next two hours you're all in trouble i'm crazy now i'm going through a soup box full of crap why i don't know we're craziest on these episodes because we have like the jv shows to talk about no offense blow dick

so we always feel like oh well i'll be quick and easy and then we just go to a crazy place um okay well our first question is from the raffle winner herself or himself we actually don't know what all we know is mj steel mj steel asks or says can you please tell me why jeff lewis and gerbil don't get along i obviously missed something somewhere also jelly dodd needs a kick in her superficial ass omg can't stand her. Angry emoji. So mean. And then cry, cry, cry. Wow, wow, wow. All the time. Cry, cry, cry emoji. Wow.

MJ is fired up. I feel like MJ deserves this board game now. I think MJ needs it. MJ is all up in this podcast today. MJ. This is the MJ. MJ podcast. And, you know, maybe MJ herself will, the other MJ will, will knock on the door looking

for sliders. Well, her weave is still on TV on that new Reza show. I was like, oh, God, there's some terrible MJ here. Yeah, that was a terrible weave. We'll get to that. Stopped at MJ's house on the way there. Okay, so the reason that Gerbil Face, Heather Dubrow, is hated by, the reason they hate each other is because, remember that episode this year where they showed Shannon going to renew her vows slash have a birthday or something? And was it her birthday, too?

Who cares? In Palm Springs? Where was it? I don't know. Anyway, it was that little trip where David's like, I'm being romantic. It was like a surprise trip. Oh, it was a renewal. It was a birthday and a renewal.

Yeah. Yeah, there was like two. trip. Oh, it was a renewal. It was a birthday and a renewal. Yeah. Yeah, there was like two. So surprised. Everything is fixed. Everything is fixed. Why is my Madonna here? David. David.

Did McDonald's cater this wedding party because every meal was happy what so happy happy meal david this is a happy meal this is a happy meal you know i can't eat this food it's processed so at that party you may remember seeing jeff lewis there well he went on watch what happens live and he was asked his favorite and least favorite housewives. And he named Heather Dubrow as his least favorite because at that party, apparently, she was being really mean and bossy to the waiters. And he's been a waiter, and so he doesn't like her because of that. And so she went off on Twitter because when Heather gets mad, she doesn't just write one tweet like, I don't approve, claw hand, claw hand. She writes like 30 like you son

of a bitch like she really went off on him and he just wrote back with really snotty you know rolly eyes or whatever yeah and so there you go you can't beat him on twitter yeah there's the big uh there's a big scandal with gerbil face and uh jeff lewis yeah uh well you know i mean i can understand why she's mad, you know, because she's been friends with that waiter for, like, years. They have, like, an inside. He knows she's only joking when she barks at him and demands better service. He knows that.

Yeah. It's Alfredo. She's known him forever. Yeah. It's funny how we can be everywhere at once. It almost feels like there are multiple Alfredos there, but there can only be one Alfredo, right? We love Alfredo.

Okay, so Betty Brown, she says, Ronnie, please spill it. Why don't you have a boyfriend? What I would do to be gay and be your boyfriend. Ben, please spill it. Are you getting married to your boyfriend? Kids, if so, you too will be sharing anointing to kid antics on airplanes. Love yas. Oh, my God.

I can't wait till Ben gets married and has a kid. Like that karma is going to come raining down on your head when you're on a plane and your kid won't stop screaming. No kids on the horizon for me. None whatsoever. None, none, none. Well, they don't always have to be on the horizon okay okay well i'm not planning to have a kid anytime soon how about that um sounds good to me because uh every time a friend has a kid they're like do you want to babysit guess what no i don't you're rich enough to have a baby you're rich enough to pay someone off craigslist

to come over and pretend they give a shit. Yeah. Here's the problem with kids. Actually, there are a lot of obviously wonderful things about kids. in having kids and doesn't like to do events that are like kid centric is that when you are hanging out with adults who have kids, it gets really difficult to have like a conversation because the kids tend to monopolize all the time. And that's time that I need to monopolize. So, you know, I just don't know if I can see the floor. I think if I ever have kids, I'll adopt them and I'll adopt them at those ages where they can work and they can do food prep you know i can be like you cut the celery you know you skin the chicken etc of course i'm on a farm in my i don't know why that's my fantasy i'm like okay you guys skin the chicken i'm like who does whose dream is that i'll like i'll i'll adopt a kid who's like 13 or 14 so

they're old enough they can just get ready and start playing board games. And then I can shepherd them through high school, whatever, and send them off to college. So just like a small four or five-year window and then be done. With the active, like the very highly active parenting. Yes. And then just, you know, like advice advice parenting you know and and financial support et cetera yeah I love kids if I could be a parent for like maybe an hour a day for three days a week I would totally do it I love kids I get along with them great I am very very low energy very

I do not have time in my life for boyfriends they always want to be going out and doing something or if it's a saturday and you know we're off then it's like what are we gonna do here's a list of shit to do i don't want a list of shit to do i don't want a list of chores i've been gone from my you know i've been on my own since i was 15 there will be no chores okay no um there won't be any bossing around like here we're gonna go see these people today and then then tomorrow, we're going to go out to dinner with these people. And then blah, blah, blah. It's like always a cycle of shit I don't want to do.

That's basically the truth. Yeah, well, you can find a special someone who also doesn't want to do that shit. But I don't want someone in my house either. I don't need to spend time. I have Bueller. He doesn't even talk, and I'm still like, why are you giving me such a hell trip it is really annoying um uh i will say i will say this about

like kids and and like child rearing believe it or not as much as i talk about how annoyed uh kids can make me i actually do think that like raising a child and like that whole act um and and of being a parent and and like imparting wisdom of the generations and teaching someone and watching someone grow and and all these things uh i think are really like special and wonderful and i often wax sentimentally about like the passage of time and like youth that's gone by um but it's more just like the practical day-to-day stuff i just am not i just i can't stand up for and in fact a lot of times when i roll my eyes at kids i think it's actually just misdirected from parents this weekend i went apple picking and um i there's a thing where you could go like your own cider. And of course, sold.

I love apple cider. We're going to do this. And it's the best apple cider because it's so fresh. So there's this line. And it's a line of 20 people. And it took an hour, maybe an hour and a half, because people would get up onto the cider press. This is machinery, essentially. And they put their kids on there.

And the kids, they're kids. They can't operate a cider press. So it would take them like machinery essentially. And they put their kids on there and the kids – they're kids. They can't operate a cider press. So it would take them like 15 minutes to press their cider. And every one minute, these parents are taking photos from every single conceivable angle like to find like their one Ansel Adams moment of their child straining to crank this thing. And it's like every single one took like 15 or 20 minutes i'm like i'm never gonna get my cider you know because these kids are not strong enough to operate this thing and the parents are enabling them and and it's just i couldn't deal yeah and also your kid's not even gonna remember that and your kid doesn't want to be pressing the cider

they feel like you're making them do it in front of a crowd of people like they're being your monkey let the kids throw the apples into it let the kid do like one crank and then be like okay you did your crank now you move over here and the adult takes this and we can do it in like three minutes but like honestly these 10 minute sessions and the and kids were crying and parents were coddling and then taking a picture it was just and these parents had like these DSLRs with lenses that were like eight inches long as if they're literally just like National Geographic is going to happen here. I mean it was so obscene. And that's what gets me mad.

I'm getting riled up. I've had a lot of coffee. I love it. I feed on anger. It feels good. Yeah. All right. What else is in there?

All right. We'll do one more question. Michael Horn, one of our favorites. Two completely unrelated but short questions. One, are you guys watching Big Brother over the top? If so, what are your thoughts? And can you please do a Whitney impersonation? Two, what housewives would you want to be charter guests on Below Deck?

How would they interact with Kate, Ben, Captain Lee, et cetera? The first one, I can answer easily. No, yeah me neither no no uh big brother is too much work i mean that's a lot of work in the summer it's on all the time and then you know we do stuff about big brother so it's kind of work this one isn't even metered out like that where it's like three days a week this one's. Don't they just show everything? I don't know how it works. All I know is that when I've gone on to CBS online

to watch things like Survivor, if I've missed it and I haven't been around DVR, the amount of commercials that they put you through, it'll be like, okay, you're on one of 12 commercials and you're sitting there for six minutes every five minutes. i'd rather actually go back to the cider press with the kids so i i try not to go to cbs.com if i don't have to

and with big brother i mean that's the lowest rent show possibly on tv at least network and for them to make a lower rent version of big brother no i just i love big brother but they i know i'm not i'm not gonna pay to watch it like next they're just going to come out with a reality show that competes in Tent City. Soweto, I don't know. In terms of what housewives do you want to be a charter guest? Well, certainly not Cynthia Bailey again because she was terrible when she was on it last season. Yeah, I just looked at her phone. I think Emma Portia would be great because we know that she acts out on boats.

Yeah, Portia will hit somebody. And Ramona, she had a good boat moment this season. I feel like we've had a few good boat moments with all these women at some point. I would like to see all the women who are supposed yacht girls, like yacht whores from saudi arabia like sonia morgan yolanda foster i would like to see all those old hoes on a cruise together unable to get off maybe with someone like kim richards in the middle just getting like you can't escape her you know they're always having to rescue her from out of the water because she thinks she sees

i don't know like scott baio out in the ocean but it's really a dolphin yolanda would be great on below deck because um she would be that guest that we would get mad at as podcasters she would she would make that woman like from a few weeks ago who wouldn't eat anything look you know like the most easygoing person because you know she'd have a million requests and she couldn't be too near a propeller because it's going to fling lime fumes at her. You know, like she will have the, like everything will be an issue with her. I cannot be on the slide because the rubber make my lime act up.

The lime has spread into my elbow skin. And so now I have to only be at the critter free pool. That's it. Oh, Tamara thinks she is so great with her, with her show off shirt, elbow skin and so now i have to only be at the critter free pool that's it oh tam i think she is so great with her with her show-off shirt did show off her elbow skin oh you think you're so great that is called lime privilege non-lime privilege actually kelly dodd would be entertaining on a boat because i think that uh her in a confined space with a lot of booze could lead to a lot of problems i could really just see her just screaming at everyone,

just going up to, like, Ben and being like, shut the fuck up! Shut the... Why are you ganging up on me? Why are you ganging up on me with all this food? You know I can't eat this. You're ganging up. Shut the fuck up! I'm sorry.

Those words just came out of my mouth. I'm sorry. No, I don't think you're a bad chef. No, no. Those words just came out of my mouth. I'm sorry. No, I don't think you're a bad chef. No. No. Those words just came out of my mouth out of anger. Shut the fuck up. I really don't feel like that. You mother crocker!

Let's get out of this mailbag, man. Yeah, that was fun, everyone. Thank you so far for everyone. And for everyone else who has still questioned the mailbag, don't worry. We'll get back to them next week. This show is huge. We've got Below Deck, Million Dollar Listing, and Reza's show. million dollar listing and what would you like to begin with bin well i think below deck i think i think we i think we start at the top work our way down yeah below the dick dick yeah below the below

deck we just work our way down we're just like in the middle of the earth by the time we're done so below dick yeah so below check we okay let's talk about let's let's face it those are y'all um so uh we started this episode where the last last one left off which was uh everyone at a resort with k Kate and Ro kissing everywhere and having sex in bathrooms and stuff, and then kissing some more, and then, like, going to a lounge, and then kissing some more, and then, like, going and getting, like, a drink

from a pineapple and kissing some more, and then Ro being like, and then being like, ah, lesbians, and then kissing some more. And then fucking in a bathroom. And, um, you know, this is, is like the second time this week we've had a show with lesbians hooking up in the bathroom because real house was in new jersey rosie was on a date and met her new girlfriend in the bathroom while she was on a date so yeah a lot of

lesbian bathroom things i think that if there was a lesbian uh magazine it would be like here's the best hand soaps in the bathroom lesbians are the new gay men what can we say um uh yeah so while all that all that mackin was happening uh kelly was trying to elevate his situation with emily to a kate and ro status with less luck he was um putting lotion on emily's back and she was just like i'd rather be in some place with rotten clotted cream than here with kelly putting lotion on my back kelly makes me feel awkward he's like you've got to burn am i am i burning well i was by a heat lamp and they were making the french fries in the snack shop it's like of course she's burning she's english like why are they even allowed outside she's an english rose as you would say you're basically just setting her up to die putting her out there it's like hey you want

to go on a date get skin cancer and die before apps are served meanwhile she has one of the hottest men on all of bravo tv like giving her like putting lotion on her back, really like trying to do everything you can to like win her over. And she's like, I don't know much, but I don't know. It makes me feel awkward. Now, of course, that's the male view, which is that, well, she should be so lucky to have a hot guy fawning all over her. So I get that. It doesn't work that way. But that being said, if she were a gay man, it would be like jackpot, jackpot, jackpot.

Yeah. If yeah, if she were a gay man, I i mean that guy could be bleeding out both eyes and have like four noses and a guy would still be like oh my god he's so hot have you seen his treks like i don't even know the muscle parts that people are naming anymore there's like the treks yeah it's that like little crease in between you know the the first app and the second app it's called your trex yeah there are new muscles that come out it's so weird have you seen the one on instagram women are going crazy about this one um i just saw an instagram fight about it last week which is why i'm laughing but it's like a line that goes from the lungs, I don't know, your ribs, down the middle of your stomach. But it's a vertical line.

Whoa. On a man, that's normally called a happy trail because it's made of hair. Well, no, no, not hair. It's like an actual. It's like a muscle line? Is it like a lower torso clavicle or something of some sort i don't know it goes from the top of the stomach all the way down and they're like yeah this is the new thing it's like the the you know the stomach crease or whatever and i was like

really they come up with a new muscle yeah congratulations you can fold like a brochure yeah fuck off with your new muscles uh but by the way kelly is so sweet every single week he retweets our podcast and that is so sweet because he's hot and he doesn't have to do that we're just two two gay guys talking on the internet he doesn't have to pay any attention to us but he does and it's nice yeah and you know what here's a public service announcement if anybody comes across someone like kelly and you know what here's a public service announcement if anybody comes across someone like kelly and you don't feel like there's marriage ahead of you who cares make out with them anyway and rub on their wiener i mean they put in the work to work out and i think

that we need to you know it takes a village to raise a hot guy you guys you can't just have some hot guy working out and then everyone's like oh it doesn't matter you know it matters if a hot guy works out and no one is there to see him work out did he ever even work out you know does he even really have muscles like he probably feels like danny devito right now like give him some attention he earned that he needs to know that otherwise he's going to stop working out and just be some other you know schlubby guy who doesn't work out and we don't need any more of those. Yeah. We need him to work out and, uh, still be nice.

So, um, so meanwhile, um, uh, then, then, so Kate and Roe were like making out a lot and,

and Emily like sneaks away from Kelly and starts talking to Ben and they were just, my note was Emily and Ben talking British about Kate. I don't know what they were talking about. They just, they just being very British. Oh, she was telling him, I think it might be quite odd if I had dated a boy

and then he turned gay. And Ben was like, actually, I find it kind of hard. She's like, you find it flattering? He's like, yeah. She goes, bet you turned her gay. Yorkshire Puds. Yorkshire Puds.

Bang as a mash. Yeah. He's like, well, at least I was the last man, darling. Shut up, plumb. Let's go watch Harry Potter again. And and then they switched off and both were talking about each other like emily was talking to dumb dumb sierra who i call her dumb dumb but i mean that with the highest of praise i'm loving sierra i like sierra i always like the dumb girl

on the sitcom like and her name island yeah her name sierra storm is like i feel like not enough attention is made about the fact that she has an amazing name. They talk about it at the beginning of the season, but seriously, Sierra Storm. That's amazing. Yeah, if she were in X-Men, her power could be just making, like, terrible juices that no one wants to drink. Like, she brought down the entire Russian government with terrible juice. They fled for Siberia. No, not another kale apricot smoothie. So then it's like nighttime and everyone gets on the boat to go back to the yacht and Kate and Ro are making out.

And then they get on the yacht and then Kate and Ro are making out some more. And then finally it's the next morning and Ro uh, and Ro leaves, um, or, or she's in the process of leaving. Um, but, uh, but while that's happening, Captain Lee, he's still, he's still really like pissy about those dirty windows from last episode. So he's coming down on our, on our poor sweet Kelly, uh, being, you need to be proactive. Which, in which he means take off your shirt and just stand there and flex. Listen to the captain. Hey, you need to be a little more proactive. In which he means, take off your shirt and just stand there and flex. Listen to the captain. Hey, you need to be a little more proactive. I see you with a shirt on.

You're going to catch a cold. You might want to take that off. I like when Kelly wears that skin-tight blue shirt. I like that. I'm a fan of that. And the captain's telling him, he's like, yeah, I'm not impressed when somebody just does what they're supposed to do. I'm impressed

when people do things they're not supposed to do. I think, okay. Okay, now enough with you. Go back upstairs, buddy. Yeah, Captain Lee's starting to not make sense. He's like, if you're gonna be sitting down in the crew mask waiting for me to tell you what to do, then you're gonna be sent down in the crew mask waiting for you to tell them what to do while I tell you.

I was like, wait, what? You're either a fork or you're a soup spoon. What are you going to be, Kelly? He's like, uh. Like, I literally don't know what you're asking me. Is this a question about silverware or Alanis Morissette? I haven't seen an ass drag like that since I saw a fat lady on a NASCAR. I was like, what?

Yeah, they're going to be driving the car or sitting passenger, but you get out of the trunk and you go to the front and check the hood and inspect the gas can, okay? But otherwise, I want you on the top with the luggage or in the back. What? He's like the old white man version of Quad from Married to Medicine. Yeah, basically. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to be proactive.

So next time you see an umbrella, you shove it up that turkey. What? If windows are dirty, children are crying in Africa. What? That doesn't even make any sense. How many goddamn times do I have to tell you

to put the peanut butter up in the wheelchair? Oh, I also have to point out without going backwards that when they were on the way back, they were all sleeping while Kate and her girlfriend were making out. And they just show Sierra taking a nap on the table.

And she's got that fucking stupid smile even when she's sleeping. She's like, hmm. She's like a cartoon sleeper. You know how, like, when cartoons sleep, they sleep with smiles and they have, like, a feather that, like, floats up and comes back down again? Yes. And they breathe like, feather that like floats up and comes back down again that's how she's they breathe like yeah it's like that that's exactly how she's so ken i mean kate and roe were effing very loudly and ben's like they're a noisy couple and we already know what happened because you know we talked we talked to Kate and then we saw TMZ. So we already know how this turns out.

But we could have guessed it from this episode because, man, the ones who make out hardest. Yeah. Man, they fight the hardest, too. That is 100% correct. Yeah. When I saw how into it they were, I was like, oh, no. Their first fight must have been bloody. I'll bet one of them pushed the other one out of the moving car like oh no their first fight must have been bloody i'll bet one of them

pushed the other one out of the moving car or something in their first fight you know like that fight over directions like i told you to take a left why didn't you take a left ah fuck it's like punch throw out the car it's like oh this is not gonna end well yeah i agree 100 when there is like like an abundance of pda uh that to me indicates like disaster it always is like it just means like it in the best case scenario it means that there are all sorts of emotions that can't be contained and right now these are the good ones but then it can go to the bad ones um but i also usually read it as just there's insecurity in the relationship and um it's gonna like come out in an evil way in some form so yeah you see how like the new

relationship does so much for kate i mean she was on cloud nine i was almost uncomfortable seeing kate smile this much yeah it made me feel weird i was like why are you smiling but it was so nice to see her like so smiley and stuff. But she's brought so far up energy-wise because of this relationship. And she's probably thinking, this person is acting a little crazy because it's a new relationship, too. But I don't think that girl is acting because she's like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Who are you? Yeah, she was a bit much.

yeah she was like yeah she was she was a bit much and i you know i'm actually a little resentful that kate is so happy because um she really is like yeah i love my stews my stews are wonderful i'm like no kate you need to hate your stews that's what we tune in for yes this breakup is the best thing that ever happened to below deck i know um yeah no but yeah roe is she was like when they were leaving it was funny funny. She was doing daps. Their goodbye was like, yo, see you later. It was just a lot of things to take in. She's a hip-hop dancer. She is?

I thought she was a professional athlete. I think she's a hip-hop dancer. I don't know. I don't know. I don't remember. The more important issue is the fact that the famous slide has returned. The slide is back, and they had to haul it out of a van. And Kyle managed to do this without pulling his arm out of his socket again.

But he got hit like 12 different times by the slide. And he's like, oh, great. It banged me in the face, me legs. It changed me life. That's what he said. So that changed your life, legs. It changed me life. That's what he said. So that changed your life, Kyle? It changed me life. I bang my head, my foot, my rib.

Jeez. You gotta have a ball club. You gotta have a ball club. There's a snake. You gotta cut the snake out. You know what I'm saying? I'm peaker. And then the captain putting his finger in everything.

Hey, you gotta unfold that on the dock. You unfold a sled in the trunk, and then you got a trunk full of slide. That's what I always say. Do it on the dock! Like, do you not have crossword puzzles? Get the hell out of here. They're unloading like a minivan.

I know. Well, it's the old conundrum, because Captain Lee wants Kelly to be more proactive, and because he hasn't been proactive, he micromanages Kelly, but because he micromanages Kelly, it's hard for Kelly to be more proactive. And because he hasn't been proactive, he micromanages Kelly. But because he micromanages Kelly, it's hard for Kelly to be proactive because Captain Lee is always there.

Oh, what a dilemma. What a dill. Sierra and Kyle had their romantic talk. He's like, I won't give me your aim. Two, three months. She's just like kind of laughing at him, looking at him silently he goes

fishing fishing she's like okay well if i go on a date fishing with you i either get a free meal or a fishing trip i'm playing man and then somehow uh it came out that like she thought belgium like people speak dutch in belgium i don't know i don't remember what the context was but it was classic sierra storm so we'll go dutch right and he's like no oh bye for it it's like yeah but get up because you're like dutchery like no no sierra be quiet she's in belgium um yeah so then but so then kyle goes like downstairs and uh announces he's gonna go to the money gram i don't even know why this needed to be on the air but he's like literally i cannot understand him he's like i'll say i do the money

gram go to the money gram and all get the money gram gram walk to the gram doc theory money gram She's like, she has no idea where they're going. Like, this is the girl. This girl is lucky to be alive because that's like the dumb little girl who will get into the creepy white van, you know? I don't know what you want in there, but sure, it's an adventure. Money gram. She's like, is that your mom's grandmother? adventure money gram she's like is that your mom's grandmother they're walking and he goes i'll conceive my daughter in soho square in a bin shed yeah for those of you who didn't understand it was typed on the bottom of the on the bottom of

the screen we conceived my daughter in soho square in a bin shed i was dying sierra didn't even know what he was saying she's just like oh okay it's valentine's day yay and she's like you know the fact that kyle has a kid is a red flag i'm like says the woman who perpetually leaves an iron on in full blast and aspires to have a triumphant return to the juicing industry and tried to serve tylenol as a cocktail. There was a red flag, but I accidentally set it on fire. The two of them are like a slalom gate, you know? Just two red flags hanging out together. Well, when he said he conceived his daughter in a bin shed, she didn't understand what he was saying,

so they're walking around. She goes, who are you sending money to? He says, my daughter. She goes, oh, I didn't know you had a daughter stupid oh and she probably thinks that she probably to be fair it does sort of sound like british slang to be like i conceived my daughter in a bin shed it sort of sounds like in a bin shed is slang for like in a fit of love like oh i like that too oh sierra never educate yourself so captain preference sheet meeting yeah there's this guy

on named steve who's gonna propose and then they're like hey captain lee how did you propose he's like i just asked how do you think so let's imagine this how do you propose? He's like, I just asked. How do you think? So let's imagine this. How do you think Captain Lee proposed? I think he was probably like a single man in the world is like a paper bag, not filled with the tuna sandwich. Kid opens it at lunch and get sad. Want to get hitched? I imagine he probably was micromanaging his wife. It's like,

I just see a lot of dirty windows. All right, clean that window. All right, now let's bring in this. Come on, let's bring in the critter free, I just see a lot of dirty windows. All right, clean that window. All right, now let's bring in this. Come on, let's bring in the critter free pool. All right, now come over here. All right, now go pick up that bucket. All right, now go look in that bucket.

Yeah, there's a ring in there. Yeah, so you want to marry me? Okay, great. Now put this bucket back. Sometimes people are drowning and someone throws them a lifesaver. You, I don't know. You're not drowning. Neither am I.

But I do have a lifesaver if we need it. Want to get hitched? He probably radioed his fiancee up to his office. All right. Lead a girlfriend. Lead a girlfriend. Come on up. I need to see you in the captain's quarters. All right. Now, how many goddamn times do I have to call you up here? All right. Will you marry me? Great. You're the first girl I've dated that's kept a radio on. You want to get hitched? Now, clean up that sushi.

And Kate just wants to know everybody's romantic story. She's like, so, Captain, what about your romantic story? He's like, meh. So then Kate, Emily, and who else? Kelly are eating sushi. Someone got them sushi from the dock so they're eating rainbow rolls and only on this show would that matter like that is so funny that i have to write that down like they left their shit on the table yeah i was like i i was like someone gonna clean that up not realizing that would actually become a plot point. Yeah. I actually wrote, this is so made on a boat.

Because I, as a waiter, busboy, you know, that's what I've done most of my life. And that's how we are. They call it family dinner, where all the waiters and busboys, everybody comes to eat together. The chef makes one big meal. No, motherfuckers. Those busboys are not cleaning up those dishes. They're like outside smoking before anybody else. Like, you do it.

We do it the rest of the time. Yeah. They probably have the most disgusting houses out of anybody. Yeah, well, Kate said that. Remember, she said that on this show once, because I think they once showed her room or whatever. And she said, oh, yeah, I have the messiest house because I clean other people all day long. The last thing I want to do is clean for myself. Yeah.

So there you go. So there you go. So they leave their sushi stuff there. um it's valentine's day and kelly tells emily uh he basically tells her happy valentine's day and he's like do you have a valentine she's like no i've never even had a flower from someone because i'm just more me poor emily poor english rose emily well i've never had a flower from somebody because no one just more me, poor Emily, poor English Rose Emily. Well, I've never had a flower from somebody because no one's gotten me pregnant. And those are the rules.

And he's like, well, we've got to change that. And she just runs upstairs with the trash. So the captain is now walking around the crew, whatever, eating, sushi eating station. And he's smelling a bottle of like flavored vodka. It's like cantaloupe flavored vodka he's like what happened here what are all these boxes this is rude i don't want to see that crap keep your rainbows in your own bedroom

yeah he was not happy uh i can understand it he's not one to enjoy seeing food left out on a luxury yacht even if it is in the crew mess so we knew immediately this is gonna not be good for someone and for a moment i thought he was gonna yell at kate because it was the interior but lo and behold he yelled at kelly yeah so So, I mean, look, I know it's not fair, but Kelly is so cute when he cries. I'm like, oh, look, he kills things. So just keep yelling at him.

Blame him for everything. I like he radios, and he's like, we have some leftover food. We have some leftover food. Can we get this cleaned up? We have some leftover. It's like on par with the Anchor drama.

Like, time to anchor bow bow bow anchor we got some empty containers here kelly's like i'm so persecuted i'm not your mother i'm not gonna clean up after you so let's see kate is playing matchmaker because she's so in love so she's telling emily wow you've never had flowers so she goes to ben and she's telling Emily, wow, you've never had flowers? So she goes to Ben and she's like, hey, I have a flower delivery coming. Do you want me to add to it? And he's like, why would you do that, darling? Well, because you could, you know, give some to Emily. Why would I do that, sugarplum?

Because you like her. I do? You do. You really like her. You like that girl. Remember, she wears glasses. She has an accent. Oh, alright. Well, get some flowers,

doll. This is going to be the least romantic thing for Emily to watch back alone at her house with a carton of ice cream. No, she's going to love it. I feel like she falls for shit like this. She'll be like, it's just like Emma. I'm still on my Jane Austen kick, although I haven't really gone very far in pride and prejudice still have 100 years left so uh uh so then the guests come on board and the primary guy who's

be proposing he was like this hot meathead like he was like a you know like one of those meatheads that's hot because they're a meathead you know like juiced up all that stuff um he's like tall he's got like a deep thor voice so i was a fan yeah it's very it's very important when you meet people who work out that much to look at their face and then do an imagination thing where you project 20 pounds and 20 years onto their face and see. Because you can't, you should never judge everything on muscles because once those guys got you nailed down, they're going to gain about 50 pounds.

Yeah, that's true. I did go onto the internet to find other pictures of him and there are some nice pictures. I could not find an Instagram account. I could not find any shirtless pictures. But, you know, beggars can't be choosers. Well, he talks's like hey i'm steve yeah um and as hot as he is bigger than theirs yeah this is megan king edmunds yeah like muscle man form and he says things like we're

crushing it yeah and his girlfriend says things like this is fire yeah that says fire it's like you're both stupid hate you both and also just to cement it he is wearing white jeans in february who does that get rid of him trash and you're allowed in the caribbean it's a different country darling like he knows like he knows the white jeans rule well so and i loved his mom his mom has this like pert uh midwestern haircut and she's sort of like there's one moment i was gonna do maybe do it on boomerang where she was like she was futzing with her hair like making sure it looks just perfectly midwestern i loved it at one point when they were having dinner she got her liza on she got that liiza hair going on.

I was like, oh, someone going to get a vodka bottle to the head. You go, girl. It's like a Midwestern mom bob sort of situation, you know? How dare you call Liza? How dare you say Liza has a Midwestern mom bob? How dare you? Well, so, I mean, you know know sometimes well so here's the thing it's not that liza has one but a lot of times you may have noticed sometimes trends um like get appropriated in

strange ways like when um posh spice was more of a thing and so like the posh spice bob happened and then there were all these like strange these strange versions of it that were like not executed so well. You know, that's fantastic. Sam's is still giving moms the Jennifer Aniston hair from Friends, but it doesn't translate properly. Yeah. So it's like as a result, like so you so Liza herself does not have a Midwestern mom, Bob. But like the – like Franny who cuts at the – I'm with you. I'm with you.

But Franny at Fantastic Sam's in who knows where, she's seen the Liza and she's just – she tries to do it and then she just gives a mom haircut. Yeah, it's like that Picasso painting. Is that the Picasso, the screaming person who's like the Home Alone look? Who's that art? That's Picasso, right? No, that's not Picasso. The scream is, why am I blanking?

Munch? Edward Munch? Ew, gross. Okay, I'll go with Picasso. That name's more recognizable. So it's like that screaming face is fine art, but when it's on like a little it's printed on a little post-it calendar or something for your office not art even though it's the same

thing it's like seeing it it's like seeing whale paintings you know you know whale art it's not it doesn't count whales themselves are beautiful but whale art is like the lowest level of art elvis was hot on velvet could not sound more elitist if i tried i could not sound more elitist well you're like you know like when like people from the west like copy haircuts from like new york and la i'm really just my little posh spice academy is a new scripted podcast that follows ava richards played by hbo Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first

scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at the list on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus.

From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less.

In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join

Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. I know. All I can come up with is like, you know, calendars in an office. I can only come up with things I actually see. It counts.

Because it all comes back to the Gretchen Rossi decor. Like having a giant poster of the Eiffel Tower in your kitchen. Or maybe something that says Le Chat Noir. Like stupid tchotchkes that are supposed to be fancy. And they're just like tj maxx yeah my favorite piece of fantasy gretchen art is um i got a painting that says paris in five different languages it's like paris paris paris paris paris i like that it's shannon narrating the poster what could be on your channel i the poster. I'm Shannon Fedora.

Here we have the first word, Paris. Paris is a city that was founded in 800 BC. It was originally conquered by the Romans. And now it's where David dreams to take his mistress. David? I would find David and his mistress there, but they do not have hospital-grade air. In Paris, I will be staying in

Amurks. Amuris. Here lies romance. Killed by David Bedore, originally founded in Paris. Killed by the little rat that makes soup in that adorable cartoon that I watched with the girls while David was at some mysterious

place and not texting me back. Here's the arc to Triumph. Triumph, as we all know, means triumph, and another example of triumph is the triumph of our marriage. Ha! So happy! Ha! Ha! Ha! Damn it!

Shazam! Gretchen's still just standing in the kitchen with Shannon Bedore going crazy. Do you want a Diet Coke? The entire scene is just surreal. Gretchen's still just standing in the kitchen with Shannon Bedore going crazy do you want a Diet Coke? the entire scene is just surreal Gretchen's just staring at Shannon having an entire monologue based on the poster and Gretchen's just trying to understand

when she can move on to show off her little ceramic chef that she puts her cookies on oh Gretchen it's the best episode of House Hunters I've ever seen come back Gretchen come back so flower delivery uh the flowers come and kate has decided to order blue flowers i don't know what that means really blue blue roses for ben to give kate and uh ben is like oh flowers and he starts redoing his hair, which is hilarious,

because it's like that Play-Doh sand that you can buy at the Brookstone. It just moves, it just completely morphs into a different section. And then he's like, I don't know about the baby breath, but being between the roses like that, it's not a good sign.

It says, I'll give you a baby, darling. I'd rather say something like I'll help you a baby, darling. I'd rather say something like, I'll help you pay for an abortion. Is there a flower that says that? Kyle's like, oh, I wish I could have found that flower nine months ago. Wish that flower grew in a bin shed.

I love that Kyle is, like, really trash. I feel like it is like really trash. I feel like it's not really discussed how he's truly trash. But he's like a soccer hooligan. Either way. I feel like Kyle can open beer bottles with his teeth and he can like burp out the alphabet to at least like J.

And then he just forgets what the rest is. Yeah, he still has burps left in him. He just doesn't remember what the rest of the lyrics are to that song and the burps smell like like pbr and corn nuts pbr and pbr and fried fish the cold fish and chips so ben So Ben is like, oh, these flowers are rock and roll, baby. Yes, that's what I always think of when I see roses. Blue roses that have been dipped in blue

food coloring. Water. Did you ever do that in science class where you color the water and then you put the plants in them and they change colors? Oh, girl, I love a blue potato. That was the original version of that Eddie Rabbit song. Oh, I love a blue potato. I love a blue potato.

I actually have a white rosebush outside my place. Maybe I'll get some blue powdered food dye and see if it actually works on the whole thing. That would be so cool. We did it with kale. That was the first time I ever heard of kale. It was was in science class we put kale into different colored waters and change their colors i was like what is this you are posh you had kale growing up in your town i didn't hear about kale until a few years ago when it became you know kale well for many years i was like remember that that plant kale why do i never hear about that kale like why does

no one talk about kale i mean we didn't eat it i just was like what is kale and now kale and now you know what immediately let's face it let's face it kale has a sordid history okay kale has had a long struggle with their pr department to become what it is today. Kale went from science experiment to the toast of Gwyneth Paltrow's town. What a trajectory. Oh, gosh. Okay, so we need to start moving through this episode. Okay, so Emily gets the flowers.

And it was actually really sweet. She was genuinely surprised. And she had this really cute smile on her face. so Emily gets the flowers and it was actually really sweet she was like genuinely like surprised and she had like this really cute smile on her face and then she read this little envelope this little letter from Ben that was like dear Ems and she was like oh this changes me it is amazing when you see what a gesture like that can change your feelings about someone she was doing this like laugh she was so excited even her throat was smiling while she was talking it was so yeah yeah if only courtship are so simple normally um yeah having your friend buy somebody else flowers for you oh yeah um so while she was on a flower high, Kelly was like, you know what?

I'm going to be proactive. So I'm going to set up the critter-free pool right now because the guests love toys. So he sets up the pool, which sort of looks like a giant piece of, like, life cereal. He puts it out there behind the boat. And, of course, the guests, they're all eating, and they're like, we want to go snorkeling. So the thing is, for them to go snorkeling, they have to get on the Tinder. Or Tinder. Tinder, Tinder, whatever it is.

Tinder. And that's like a boat. And the thing is, the Critter Free Pool is where the boat has to come to. So they have to move the boat out of the way. But the current is moving the pool. The pool is basically cock-blocking the boat. And it becomes a whole thing that's like 25 minutes long, taking forever. The captain told you be proactive, but he was specific.

It's not like he just said, be proactive, do something great. Maybe, I don't know, elephants. It's not like he just left it up to interpretation. He goes, all right, I want you to be proactive and go ask the guests what they want to do. Why don't you do that? Be proactive. If you see a dirty window, to do. Why don't you do that? Yes. Be proactive.

Yeah, like if you see a dirty window, clean it. Don't wait for me to tell you. Right. I mean, I see where Kelly – I get it. Well, he said. He's like, you want me to be proactive? They always want toys. I'm putting out every toy, which that's great.

But he literally said ask them what they want to do. Yeah, exactly. So Captain Lee, because it was this silliness with the boat, Kelly's trying to bring the boat in, then he was like running over the pool, and the pool was flowing off, and it's like this clown show, and Captain Lee was losing it.

He was furious, and he came down, and he's like, it's like the Keystone Cops meets the Three Stooges. It's Huey, Dewey, and Louie and Chips Ahoy's kids. Every damn idiot on TV in there. Put Don Knotts, you know, with his googly eyes just shitting all over the whole thing.

That guy and his googly damn eyes. It's like Woody Woodpecker and Chili Willie are running a three-ring circus and Dumbo's in charge. It's like, who's on base, but they're both so... Who's on first, but they're both so stupid to realize that we're not even on a lawn. We're on a boat. A dirty one.

Dirty boat. Like, bow lines, bow lines, bow lines. Who's on windows? That's what I want to know. So, then, after, like, 25 minutes of coordinating, they finally get the boat in. They finally get people on the boat, and they start to motor off, and then the girl's like, what about me? Then after like 25 minutes of coordinating, they finally get the boat in. They finally get people on the boat. And they start to motor off.

And then the girl's like, what about me? She didn't say that at all like that, but it's how I interpreted it. And they left the girl behind. That's fire. This boat is fire. That is fire. I love that nobody even told them. They're like, okay, let's leave. Nobody realized.

This is the fiance. It's like nobody realized she wasn't on the boat yet. Steve! Come on, Steve. Snorkeling is fire. Look at that starfish. It's fire. Hi, starfish. Fire. The captain. Jesus Christ, this is like

a two-car funeral. It's not brain surgery. Two-car funeral is pretty tricky in its own way so um uh now it's time to prep for dinner and by the way very upset instead of our customary evening crystals kate put out a whole bunch of yellow rope i mean what's what's that about what sort of yacht is this rope instead of crystals i mean i can't well it is, you know, a marriage. A marriage night. That's true. Go hang yourself. Give a man enough rope.

Yeah, so... And Ben, you can tell that Ben, and he says he's never done a proposal dinner, but it's Valentine's. And he's like, I was thinking for the proposal cakes, how about a little red velvet? I'm like, oh, geez, what are you, Ralph's? What are you, the Ralph's Bakery?

I'm like, well, it's something red. Come on, Ben. I know. Well, at least it wasn't chocolate-covered strawberries, because I really would have lost it. Yeah, that would... Those things piss me off. Well, you know I hate strawberries, so...

Oh, there you go. If we ever get proposed or engaged, Ronnie, don't ever feed me chocolate-covered strawberries. Remember Shari's Ber's berries our old sponsor i can never partake in all the free berries that we got but i can take part in the rum chata those are delicious so so this guy was cute he's like you know thor proposing so he's like he gets

up he does a toast and um or that is no thor dare you? Well, he's got the Thor voice. He's got... He's got Steve voice. Steve Ogre voice. I'd like to make a toast, which I would never eat, brah. But I'd like to make a toast. Like, I'm so lucky. I wake up and I'm like, where my bitch at?

And she's right there. She's like, FIRE! And I'm like, so, on and she's right there she's like fire like so on that note there's been an unbelievable day I gotta give a big shout out to those seahorses I saw when we're snorkeling that was dope I love you I love you so much so let let's, you know, get married and stuff. Okay. Oh, my God. Is this for real?

Is this real fire? Pretend fire. Real fire. It's real fire. Oh, my God. And I love how Kate was like, you know, Kate was like, you know, this is important. You know, this is a day that will be talked about for a long time, for many years. They're going to look back on it.

It's like really important. And I'm like, yeah. They're going to tell their children. And I was like, yeah, that's many years. They're going to look back on it. It's really important. And I'm like, yeah. They're going to tell their children. And I was like, yeah, that's right. This girl is going to look back at this for year after year after year and say, why was I wearing yellow fingernail polish? Every year. Why?

I got proposed to on TV. And why the hell was I wearing the Tweety bird line of nail polish kids can you ever can you believe your father was ever that thin do you know he's gonna be like a thousand pounds the minute they get married uh fire also what kind of story is that he's like well one time we were on a boat and i said ding ding ding i got something to say and then like that's it ding ding ding i got something to say and then like that's it great story dad i love our impersonations they really are now like just falling into three categories it's like we just do like megan king admin slash kristin for one voice how dare you i'm steve shannon bedore for another one uh and then uh i think it's just those two.

And then Ramona and just a general British-Australian spectrum. Everything just falls into one of those three buckets. Well, I'm no Rich Little, okay? Nice little 80s reference. I'm no Police Academy guy. Yeah. All we do is Shannon, Megan, and... Yeah.

All we do is Shannon, Megan, and... Candy. It's coming back soon. Gotta brush off the old Candy Burris. Oh, Lord. We'll have enough of those batches when they return. That's like the one that lasts 80 episodes a year. Yeah, nothing happens. So basically they get married.

Ken gives... Ken. Ben gives the flowers to Emily and she's all excited. And then he has to ask her out on a date and Kate's like... Kate's like, you should just ask her on a date. What's so hard? Like if you were a dwarf name, what would you be? Be like, grumpy,

sleepy, angry. Ashville. so hard like if you were a dwarf name what would you be being grumpy sleepy al dente al fresco is there a is there a dwarf named young school girl because i feel like a young school girl darling sugar and she's like okay just go with it just go with it just ask her to dinner tonight and i like that kate is becoming like that movie roxanne which you read yes which is basically yeah um excuse me how dare you suggest that i'm stupid wait no roxanne was steve martin bt dubs wasn't it wasn't it no that's your note roxanne was based off of the old sereno de bergerac story and roxanne was steve martin and daryl hannah gerard de pardue was in sereno and then janine garofalo numa thurman were in the truth about cats and dogs which is another variation on the tale

oh my god so i'd like that kate was the you know the The Bravo version. The Steve Martin. No, she wasn't. No, this wasn't. I'm going to correct you again, Ronnie. It's important. Do it. She was because in Cyrano, the whole point is that, like, someone, isn't it? I could be wrong. Everyone, you can correct me.

Isn't it that, like, someone is sort of like the surrogate? Like, it's mistaken identity, right? And then they're, like, trying. And then the guy falls for, like, the girl falls for the wrong guy. Well guy well yeah the girl's basically falling in love with kate but she doesn't know it because kate's the one who got her the flowers kate's the one who's like setting up the date she's doing all the stuff and ben is like the you know the steve martin or whatever see okay all right that's fine well i was i still... I'm more partial to the clueless slash Emma analogy, which is where Kate is more of just a matchmaker in general.

But I think we could do, like, an Emma de Bergerac mashup. Well, either way, it's over now. The credits are rolling. Okay? Our movie is over. Yes, it's over. And the only other thing that really happened was like there was some funny business about like this fishing date that then became a double date

because sierra did not want to go on a date with kyle alone so then she invited i guess emily and kelly because they're slated to go on a date of some sort and then it became like a double double fishing date and it was like everything was told in close quarters. And I was confused. Yeah, they could all hear it. Sierra's like, what? The more the merrier, I thought. On a date? Oh, Sierra.

He should just cancel it at that point. I mean, if you ask someone to a date and they invite people along, that's a bad sign. Also, are they allowed to just leave the boat whenever they want to? Rolls. They're being proactive about their off time. Yeah. How about we start working on our off time right now? Why don't we start that now? Rather than wait. Instead of waiting

for our vacation day, why don't we start it now? Let's be proactive about our vacation. Yeah, we can just do whatever we want. That's why Kelly's letting the windows get so dusty so the captain can't see out. I don't know what those kids are doing today, but I'll worry about it tomorrow.

Ah, sushi again. Oh, Below Dick, we love ya. We'll see you next time, Below Dick. Now, let's move on to Pee Pee! Million dollar listing los angeles the most scripted show on bravo at least at least or maybe the second most compared to yours minor hours but we'll get to that we'll get to that in time don't you worry everyone

um this i think all of them are scripted. It's just this one's so poorly improvised. So, okay. So the Joshes, they need to start taking some classes. They just can't do their lines. It feels like watching a video that you shot in middle school. I remember when I was in high school i remember when i was actually when i was in high school i was taking a class with a law class where we learned things about laws

and we had to do a video about like what like can you like what are things that you can or can't do if you're driving and we shot this video and it was really poorly acted and i felt like it still was better than the acting that the Joshes did in this entire episode. Oh, yes. I wrote many a play where I was the star that I did in my living room. And my sister, God bless her, I killed her off like in the first five minutes of every play I ever did. And they were a little bit more believable, I have to say. Yeah.

Should we just go through in terms of each sort of thread that we saw? Yeah, I mean, I've got 30 pages of notes, but I'm ready to index. Yeah, I didn't taken notes after all. She's singing some song. Oh, I wrote it down. Hold on. I'll find it. She was like, like a machine, like a machine.

Let's do it like a machine. It's like the terminator love song she was doing that thing where she's like i'm in the music studio josh come see me in the music studio and he's like okay so he goes to the music studio and they get the she's recording because she's a star who's open for people that her dad has paid for her to open for. And she's like, Like a machine! Like a machine! Wow! Jesus Christ. I would like to give a nice long thank you to whoever invented Auto-Tune.

Yeah. That is some work you're about to have to do. Yeah, she's going to be opening up for Kim Zolciak soon. So anyway, so Josh, the girl, she wants to put an offer on this house in the bird streets the bird streets um that josh uh altman is repping and um so of course the joshes now have to negotiate and they have like all this stupid back and forth where it's It's like, I'm not going below 6.9, and I'm only going to do 6.6. This girl.

I can't even. I'm like, just, first of all, it's obnoxious that she's going over budget. Because I think her parents gave her like 5 million bucks. Yeah, I thought it was like 4 to 5. It's not like some unfair budget. She's like, no, I want the $8 million house. And then she's walking through the house. She's like, well, I just really don't like the view of a roof.

You're living in the hills. Do you want the people below you to just not have roofs over their head? Like literally? You're in a hill, you idiot. It's like being in an airplane and complaining that everything on the ground looks so tiny. How about you're 16 and a bungalow in Palms is still too good for you? Okay. You're 16.

Yeah. How about get a job? How about that? How about going, wow, isn't a job? Yeah. How about that? How about work at Subway? Okay.

How about work at Subway? How about if Precious doesn't really do a lot on their anniversary sales, you're fucked, and this house is going to be sold anyway. Yeah, I just think it's like – I mean I know it's all fake. I know that she probably would be happy with any house, I would like to think, and that they told her to be picky. But still, I mean it is ridiculous. You have the fact that you have, you know, six million dollars at your disposal to buy a house is that you're just going to use to like relax and be creative in is so above and beyond. I just have no sympathy for you and your roof ruining view. Yes, exactly.

I'm with you. Screw you, kid. Screw you. Screw you. But then so there was like negotiation and it's like Bravo is really the place where Slayn goes to die. I mean I never thought that Bye Felicia could be killed any more than Lydia on our show being like, farewell Felicia. What is this? Goodbye. See you later, Felicia.

See you – goodbye. Au revoir, Felicia. See you next time, Felicia. of war felicia but that is driven into the ground by josh of all people because come on josh flack you're an actual homosexual i and you're not using it ironically that is over you're not allowed to say bye felicia anymore who says that so he's saying bye felicia and i think he says it three times yeah finally at the end josh altman's like fuck this felicia yeah exactly He literally did it like three times and each one more awkward than the next. He's like, all right, well, if you can't come down to my offer, then I have others to see. So bye, Felicia.

You're like, oh, you just took out all the teeth. No, it's toothless. He's like, have a lovely day, Felicia. That's what I have to say. I have a Cobb salad getting cold so bye felicia so it doesn't work that way they ended up uh doing their big negotiation scene one-on-one in this he's living in a hotel or something he's living in the four seasons on on doheny and and on top of that so josh shows up because what happens is – well, what happened was that Josh Flagg is like, well, I'm not going to – we're not – if he's not going to come down, if he's only coming down $50,000, we're just going to move on to something else.

And so Josh Flagg is like, yeah, well, fuck him. We're going to find someone else because my client Lucky, who is like – I can't even get into Lucky. This guy. Deaf Lucky! I am from a band. The Jerkoss. The dick in your hand. Sperm on your face.

Have you never heard of sperm on your face? Lucky the deaf drummer. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I don't – the thing is this. lucky the deaf drummer yeah yeah you know i don't i don't you know the thing is this if you if you want to like get plastic surgery if you want to get a facelift you want to do something like that's that's fine that's that's totally within your right but i have a hard time reconciling the idea of being in a punk rock band and then getting a full-on facelift that's very difficult for me also you're making yourself look like a pez dispenser i mean in this in this case like every

time is and his head's always swinging back there's something wrong with the guy he's done a lot of drugs i think yeah he just looks like a little square candy is gonna pop out and you'll be all excited but then it tastes terrible it's just lucky it's lucky in a pez shell yeah so he's like i'm not taking a fucking offer that's that low no siree yada yada yada but then over the course of the episode then we have a scene where Josh Flagg meets with a girl and she's like is this because you guys don't get along or whatever

and she really wants him in the house and Lucky as it turns out winds up buying a different house in the valley oh it was in the valley I didn't even notice are the jerk offsoffs doing that well? Well, he said something like, isn't this crazy? It's a couple of miles away, but you get so much more for your money.

Because he only spent like two million on that huge house on the hills, which means another side of the hill. Yeah, Studio City's where it's at. It's like a seven-minute drive. If you think that there's a problem with Roof's is your view, I mean his view is Ikea. Yeah. Oh, if he could only be so

lucky. I mean, let's face it. He's in Studio City. I mean, his view is probably like Vons and Arts Deli. So only Chili's Deli. So The only Chili's in town! Great house. Thanks for the tour.

Hey, look, there's Jerry's Deli. So he buys a house, so he's gotta sell his other house, and his wife, the idiot with the purse dog, that's not even a purse dog. It's too big for that. Her arms must be exhausted. Maybe she's like a crazy purse from that's not even a purse dog it's too big for that her arms must be exhausted maybe she's like a crazy purse from japan that looks like a dog but it's actually all purse it's not really even a cute dog it's just like uh i don't know what kind of dog would

that be that kind of dog i don't know who cares a dog i would avoid she's trying to make him buy and now he needs to because he broke i mean how much do drummers from the jerk off save really yeah at the end of the day so he has to buy he's like just take the old offer i don't even give a shit he's like no i won't do it because i'm more badass than that other guy and i just look at altman and i think your road is hilarious you're such a douche yeah you've always been such a douche you're calling someone else a rat when you have a rat nose and little beady eyes. Yeah, he does have a very rodent face, yeah. And then he's got these plugs, which are always hilarious to me because rich people, if plugs worked, Bruce Willis would have a full damn head of hair.

Plugs don't work. Like, how many times do I have to tell you? He's got these plugs, but then he starts losing the other hair. Yeah. So then he's got to get more plugs, but then he starts losing the other hair. losing the other hair yeah then he's got to get more plugs but then he starts losing the other hair and it just can't keep up but it looks hilarious because he looks like a 50 year old dye job douchebag and you know what he deserves it i still think he's kind of cute actually so uh yeah so they they go to like do this negotiation at the four seasons where josh flag

is and josh is his big technique is he's gonna make other josh wait and so then there's like this again such a stage scene which is not i don't have a problem with it but like it's the simplest thing to stage and you can't even do it he's like walking around the hotel smelling flowers in this like very stiff way like you can't even fake smelling a flower like this is the most basic level of staging a reality show and you can't even do a Josh flag. They're talking in that fake – I mean, they're talking in that lobby office that anybody can use. Yeah, it's like the business center. Yeah, if it was like a La Quinta, there would be, like, little computer stations or whatever.

I'm imagining Steve Hoger's mom walking up like, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you two. Such handsome guys. Mom, we're in a meeting. This meeting is fire. Fire. We're going to crush it, Mom. So they're in this stupid meeting room in the business center.

And they're sitting at opposite ends of this big, long table. And it was, again, just like making up a play. Let's be in a business meeting in this conference center in the La Quinta. And people, by the way, don't sit like that. When you have a giant table, people don't sit on either ends of it like it's some period piece down an abbey at a dinner table. People sit relatively close to each other. That's the way people sit at tables in modern times, okay?

What is this show saying about how people sit in 2016? Long tables, okay? The meeting was basically, he's like, well, I'm gonna talk you down to 6-6. And he's like, no way.

It was 6.95, and we're not coming down. He's like, okay, well, I have authorization to pay whatever I want, so I will counter 6 million. Yeah, it went from like – so originally he was like – Josh Flagg was like, well, originally I was given a chance to my first offer was uh six six point seven five and now we're going to be at six point seven and it's like oh you went down oh well fuck you well what we're gonna do six point we'll do we'll offer six point nine how about now six point six five oh fine how about this six point nine five original ask my fine 6.6 original offer and then and then he's and then there's like a commercial break and he comes back and josh flag is like all right here's what we'll do 6.8 i was like whoa and then josh altman's like no 6.875 and j Josh Flagg's like, okay. I was like, you actually just totally caved in.

Yeah, he is the one who caved, which was weird because I thought he was going to win it. So Flagg ended up kind of losing on this one. I thought they would split it down the middle. That way, because they're both Bravo stars, that way they could both have a claim that they won. But it was definitely in Josh Altman's favor. Yeah, which was uncomfortable for me and then that's when josh says bye felicia oh he goes yeah maybe next time you uh you have people in your hotel dining room business center you should offer people food goodbye felicia would

you like some free xeroxes from the office printer then goodbye felicia and he's like fuck felicia yeah josh flag is like this is my first time negotiating with josh allman and i wasn't very impressed i'm like well then maybe you shouldn't have raised like your offer by like three hundred thousand dollars practically yeah i would have been more impressed if you didn't just blow two million dollars yeah not much of a win buddy yeah so that was stupid so but i still like him better um and then the twins or brothers or whatever the hell these people are oh my british guys they're too much yeah so last week they um they got this big thing for the um baby baby guy manny um and he has this 45 million dollar mansion it's huge but they have a co-lister what's her name again maria or

something that hoe face he got someone in manny's like 22 year old hose that he's giving a listing to and she just shows up and says things like we are not going to do that because manny said to the nose like okay yeah girl so and she's a terrible she's also a terrible like uh like realtor and she's like this is the living room you know this is a great place if you want to you know sit and talk with people and look there's a doorway door is great if you want to go from this room to another room. People can live in the living room. That's why they call it the living room.

Here in the kitchen, it's just, I don't know. Okay, look out there. It's a window. You can see outside. Good job, lady. Good job. But then the other two, they're having like the selling fight

where the other two are trying to fight too hard. They're like, look at this living room. Imagine what you could do here you could play games you could have stars with bikinis and fast cars coming over to have parties what a party house everyone will be envious like this is a guest bedroom closet yeah i know yeah you could write your great american novel in this study i mean is there such a thing as a great american novel? I don't think so, but you can at least try. This is a chef's kitchen! This is where chefs come to cook some of the most famous chefs in the world here.

It's like, okay, you've shown me how the microwave door opens and closes. Could you stop overselling this shit, please? The most modern space-age technology. You put food in here and it gets zapped with lasers and radiation. This is unparalleled in any other home in Los Angeles. It's worth $55 million in and of itself, but we'll sell it to you for $20. Those people can fight oversells all they want. Basically, people walk in, they know what they're getting.

It's a big old house. It looks like it was designed in the 50s around the same time as caesar's palace and it smells like old man fart like no matter what you do no matter how much febreze that is an old man fart house yeah yeah so in another super stage scene they they show it to this realtor their guy leaves and then um one of the british guys the non-bearded one he is there with this lady. And then she gets a call. She's like, oh, hi, Manny. Yeah, the realtor just left.

Yeah. Okay. And she closes her phone. She's like, we have a problem. I'm like, you were on the phone for seven seconds. Yeah, Manny wants to lease it out to his friend for two months. And they're like, what? That's absolutely ridiculous.

We're building momentum. We're building momentum in this house. Well manny says manny goes sorry we have a problem and that's that that's what i learned that's i'm like this is so big momentum i'm going to call my brother twin possibly friend who knows hello david we have a problem he just repeats the same thing we've got a problem manny wants to rent it for two months and then you hear on the other end of the phone what but we've just got momentum i just imagine that it just went down to like a string he's like i'm gonna call my other friend lyle lyle we have a problem we've put fifty thousand dollars into this and now manny wants to rent it out for two

months and lyle's like what What? We have a problem! What about the momentum? Hold on a moment. There is a calling with the magic news. Manny wants to rent it out for two months. I know! Momentum! TMZ is like, okay, those weird English twin things

have lost momentum. It's like the scene in 101 Dalmatians when the dogs start barking to get to relay a message across England. That's like the scene in 101 Dalmatians when the dogs start barking to get to relay a message across England. That's how they are. I'm hearing something about momentum in Beverly Hills.

Oh, Lord, these two. So they decide that they're going to concentrate all our energy on another property, which we haven't given enough time to because it is set on the market okay this this episode is really not making anybody look good because this other house they've had forever it started at 12 point something million dollars and it's been sitting on the market and now it's down to like nine million dollars that is just gorgeous house that is some sadness yeah it is sad uh i'm also surprised that people wouldn't want like if you have that money that you wouldn't move into it because i was like i was looking at the house

and i was like i desperately want to live there i i don't i'm not into any of these houses i don't know i love a modern house oh i love a modern house in the hills i'm big fan they look like to me they just look like those big old boxes from the 60s with shit inside and then people keep gutting them over and over but still they're like big boxes without really anything in between the walls what do you call that um a hollow show of an experience yeah yeah i i i'm because you know as we all know i'm not a family sort of guy so i'm fine to have like a modern thing that looks like it was from a music video i'm i i'm i embrace it in fact well you'd be great on this show i just hope one day you have 30 000 million trillion dollars to spend on my home i mean the market is insane. They were talking to one guy about putting his house on the market at $45 million.

Oh, my God. Well, this is a great time to announce that we are actually introducing a new tier on Patreon. It's the $10 million tier. And if you do that, you support our plan to get a house in the hills. And in return, we'll leave you a voicemail greeting. Oh, Lord. Yeah, so they decide to go back to this other house that they've reduced down to $9 million because they haven't been able to. It's been on the market for four months.

If we don't sell it soon, then we're going to get fired and we have to sell it right away. But we haven't gotten it off at all. It's gone still. So they get this guy in from Texas, supposedly. But this guy was from the Val, if I've ever seen him. He's wearing, like, purple lensed glasses. So Val-y. If anyone wants to know what the Val-y looks like, it's this guy.

Yeah. So he shows up and he's like, well, is a little small i don't really like the master and all right we're just gonna leave well that's it and the british uh the little beardless one he can't leave what if we did this and make the master bedroom bigger what if we did that david momentum so he runs down the stairs and he's like momentum momentum momentum they're like all right we'll come back in he's like what's the queen he's like what if we knocked out that wall and we gave you what you wanted and he's like well i also need some shiny cabinets because i don't like those cabinets by the way this this that

scene was basically like the brit real estate version of House MD. You know that moment when someone says something and House is like, wait a second. And he goes limping off down to the operating room and be like, stop the surgery. He has a pencil in his rectum. We figured it out. This is what he was like, wait a second. Don't leave. Don't leave.

Okay. We'll knock down a wall. So, yeah. we'll knock down the wall so um yeah so the guy basically was like they're like if we were knocked down the wall we can turn the mat this guest bedroom into a closet all right and then we can turn the mat another the other two bedrooms into one big master suite he was like all right well like like you said he's like and uh what about this i want to have you know can i have like a kiddie pool put in can i have like uh can i get some hangers can i get this or that like well let's not let's not get carried away now right there's knocked on the wall that's it so they eventually they go to the

guy the guy who owns the place no way he also added in their subterranean parking well that's why that's what i was gonna say because basically he they go to the guy who owns the place and like well this is this is the demands like okay're like, okay, here are the demands. He wants new cabinets. The guy's like, oh, okay, fine. Like he would love a coffee machine. Literally he asked for a coffee machine. The guy's like, ah, fine, a bathtub.

Okay, a bathtub. Oh, and can we also build some subterranean parking? Like wait, how does a coffee machine in subterranean parking wind up on the same list of demands that guy's like what i like that guy i wish he was on every episode he's just like this stressed businessman he's like what the hell subterranean parking that's just crazy well it is i mean what's this this guy turning the house into a museum or something? I mean, what is he? It's on the side of a hill.

What do you think you're going to do? Yeah. Those houses are on stilts as it is. You are not adding subterranean parking. It's called Uber. So, but they eventually, they, of course, come to a deal, and they get more money than they were expecting. They did that classic thing on million dollars, and it was like, well, unfortunately, I know 9.2 was the lowest it would go, and we unfortunately did not make that price. Because instead, we got momentum!

9.6 million dollars. They're not even trying to make sense anymore. He's like, I will call him with the offer of 9.2, and we'll see what he does. And he's like, all right, call him. So he calls him, and he's like, we got 9.6. Like, that doesn't even make any sense. Why would you call a guy with an offer of 9.2, and then suddenly you've got all this much money? Come on, guys.

Make an effort. Yeah, well, I think that they weren't calling with an offer of 9.2 and then suddenly you've got all this much money. Come on, guys. Make an effort. Yeah, well, I think that they weren't calling with an offer of 9.2. I think they were just as low as they were going to go in negotiations. Never mind. Take it back. I make no sense. As usual, same ending

as always. It's me. So they save the day and then, oh, look, there just happens to be a house available to up and they walk in. They're just happens to be a house available to up. And they walk in. They're just going to go walking in. But, of course, it was totally planned because the guy was there and they had footage of the entire house. And so they're like, oh, can we list this house?

And the guy's like, well, I'm sorry to say that we've already gone with a different agency. So, no, you can't have it. But I'll see you next episode when I decide that I want to go with you guys instead because that's clearly what's gonna happen yeah pretty much but i don't know why i'm even upset about that like what i don't care yeah it's every episode uh so who else one person we didn't see was madison we didn't see madison not sure what's up with that no no madison um we saw saw the British guy had lunch with Josh Flagg. Hello, darling. He's like, hello, darling.

Welcome to lunch. I ordered you a salmon salad and some peli. And he's like, oh, okay. He starts talking about his wife and his kid and how he wants another one. And I'm like, oh, my goodness. That is one good looking beard. Yeah. I'm like, are you that is one good looking beard yeah i'm like are you are you planning on on having an actual story arc here no um by the way so uh have you seen billion

dollar listing or whatever it's called the billion bajillion dollar have you seen that where's that um so it's actually on cso and uh which is cool because cso cso is actually gonna be they're going to be apparently they might be network the network yeah yeah so they there's a show on there it's not called billion dollar listening but it's called like billion dollar like whatever but it's a it's a parody of of this show and shows that are like it um it's by the people who did reno 911 Paul F. Tompkins is on it. I watched the first episode this week. It's hilarious.

I'm surprised. And watching Million Dollar Listing and then watching what they do on the show, it's really funny. I mean, I hope the rest of... I've only seen one episode, but I was literally laughing out loud. It's right on the money. If you're watching these shows, I do suggest checking out Billion Dollar Listing. I'll get the right name for it. It's right on the money. So I really see... If you're watching these shows, I do suggest checking out Billion Dollar Listinger.

I'll get the right name for it. It's Billion Dollar something. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, this show's definitely right for it. Yeah. Oh, 100%. It's kind of funny that they chose to parody it. It's called Bajillion Dollar Properties.

That's what it's called. Bajillion Dollar Properties and the last S on properties is the dollar sign. Is Madison on it? I just need Madison. Don't tell me Madison's going to be back and then not show Madison for an entire episode. I know, that is kind of crazy.

I mean, but I'm sort of happy to. I think Madison would have just, it would have been too much for me to deal with Madison this episode. Poor Madison. I know. Alright, well let's move on to the next the next show which is yours minor hours yeah i have a theory that this episode was like either

a pilot or a shot early on because what's her face the girl had a crazy weave on and that's not what her hair normally looks like on the show it was so bonkers it was it was not it was like a hair it's like a hair octopus how can you trust somebody to do their house to do your house when they have no taste with their own hair i mean that hair was sad it actually made some of the shots of sunset people's hair look decent yeah that was that was one of the worst we've we've ever seen um but to be fair she was going to dallas so you know i guess when in when texas you know gotta how dare big hair big hair texas sorry sir yeah um so this starts off i mean we talk you know scripted this and that uh it's just this one's not even i don't care that it's scripted of course it is but reza oh seriously here we are in

texas we are in texas which is a place with a star in texas can you just i don't know you can't memorize every line but could you maybe not read them off of the actual card while you're recording? I know. Come on. I mean, this show is really so terrible. The only reason why we're really covering it is because enough people said that they really liked our coverage of it because it's such a bad show. But I don't know. This is, watching now a second episode, this is really testing my limits.

Having to sit through this. Thank God it's only 30 minutes long. Yes. But this- Seriously? I thought people- We're in Texas. I thought people were going to be wearing 10-gallon hats and shit.

I thought they'd be like old, old mobiles with, you know, bull skulls on the front of them. That's so, that's so white. Persian people were like, let's put a pomegranate on the car. I thought we were going to see, like, actual Indians running away from cowboys, getting arrows shot in their brains. What the heck, Texas? We've been in Texas for, like, two days, and I have yet to see a taxicab station. Like, what sort of branding is that? This is so white, people.

this is so white people. So their couple today is some really super anal man and a woman who's very thinly veiling her anger about everything. Yeah. They've been married for one year, but they still don't live together. He lives close to the city in like a more of a modern type of house where with a tiny master bedroom and she lives in the suburbs in like a quaint and cozy house that has lots of little animals and stuff um but also lots of tchotchkes and a lot of antlers which i love her house or her house

was significantly better than his for sure i love her house it's like was significantly better than his, for sure. I love her house. It's like a very Texas-y big house with the cracker barrel rocking chairs on the front porch. I can't even imagine leaving my neighbors. I love my neighbors. Aw, hugs. I love her. You see Leanne in the bushes be like, don't you dare leave me.

She's like, yes, I don't want to leave my neighbors. I'm not allowed to, in fact. Your charity world is over if you leave here. I loved how they kept saying how her place was so cluttered. There's so much clutter. I was expecting to see so much junk. We've seen Loveter listed. We've seen cluttered houses.

She just had some antlers out. Yeah, I didn't think her house was too cluttered. And Reza's like, whoa, this is like Antlerville. There's like so many antlers everywhere. It's like her peepaw is out on the front lawn shooting antlers. Like so many antlers. It's better than excessive chevron patterns exactly right yeah gold it's like gold and silver chevron patterns in your shitty little 60s apartment in little armania

please with this oh her house is cute so he you know he comes off as a little stiff unloving yeah i'm with i'm with all of you i'm with you on all of that so he's it's like well i'm by work i don't want to leave work i don't want to leave my neighbors so they have to you know do their thing where the taylor reza's assistant's like well i going to draw you up a place. I mean, this is going to be great. We're going to make your layers in with your stiffness. Okay.

I've got it coming, guys. Yeah. So she brings her contractor friend in to come look at the place, And she's like, I want to take out this pillar. I don't know.

I just gave her a sign. And, and he's like, yeah, I guess we could do that. We could do, she's going to take out the pillar in the kitchen and extend the island.

And then over in his place, she's going to turn the garage into the master bedroom, which feels a little weird to me. I have to say. Yeah. There it's going to be hot in the summer and bedroom, which feels a little weird to me, I have to say. Yeah. It's going to be hot in the summer and cold in the winter. I mean, if she said we're going to knock it down, but garages aren't built the same way. They're not built with insulation.

And she did that same thing that she did last week when last week she was like, well, because she's going to miss living in the country or having a backyard, we're going to put some plants on the wall. This time it was like, well, you know, she won't be by, she won't be able to have her animals. So we'll put some barn doors in the back. We'll make the closets out of barn doors. Over the garage. I mean, their view is going to be the garage. She's like, we'll make the garage nicer

because I want it to be a better view for her. Oh, this is not going to work. And you also know that none none of this is gonna happen because when she's talking about that that pillar or whatever it's the middle of the kitchen it's this huge brick yeah that is a load-bearing pillar and she's like i know that this might be a problem to remove and the guy goes oh it won't be a problem we'll fix it up in the ceiling area yeah okay so you guys aren't even gonna try to pretend that this one's gonna happen huh yeah and meanwhile also like the price differential like for for her place it was

like yeah it'll be like twenty thousand dollars of of work and then for his place yeah oh yeah it'll probably be like you know 150 200 000 of renovations i was like well i wonder which one they'll choose you know if they choose if they go down this yeah for one room and also she doesn't design a kitchen that makes any sense. She's like, okay, that load-bearing thing also had a whole row of cabinets on it. And then in the other room, she was like, well, we'll just take this hutch off the wall, and then we'll just put two IKEA chairs in front of it instead. Okay, you've taken all the stories out of this kitchen. Yeah.

And I don't understand how just taking out basically one column and extending the island as nice as it is and putting in that table is lovely it's like i feel like it's a really small change for a general like a whole house that needs that needs you know you know to be approached you know yeah also the property brothers had this first i don't like that she's using that look it's the 3d thing and thing, and then we take this, and then this slides in. I get that you're not going for the most original show of the year here, but you're stealing from the Property Brothers. I mean, those fuckers stole it from somebody else first. I did love that when she showed her schematics to them at that restaurant, they had to put on their bifocals. Like, okay, let's take a look at this.

Is it on? How do we turn this on? Okay, I think I'm on Sh on shazam right now here i don't know how to operate this why is my hutch sliding is that thing possessed no it's just a it's just a cartoon i can't i can't use a cartoon hutch now did you throw away the column or can we keep that and turn that into a bird bath and put an antler on it. I hope the antler doesn't scare away the birds. So Reza, meantime, while she's coming up with all these

designs, which I don't think she's ever going to actually get to do, Reza... Do you think Bravo's going to get to shell out the money for them to do this? Even though I guess it's on the owners to shell out the money, I don't think Bravo's not gonna ever this is the fourth episode but we've only this is only the second for us yeah and i don't know if they've ever actually picked one of her designs and then

they do it but it looks like they just pick it and they're like okay thanks for the design off our you know pre-recorded iphone video that we going to email to you. I almost think that they find stock footage of schematics coming to life and then they just track down the house that was based off of and just like, let's just shoot in this house. They don't even commission the 3D schematics.

All the remodels are Reza's bedroom at home. We're going to turn this chevron sideways so it'll be a left to right chevron instead we put a throw on the on the ikea chair in front of the chevrons it looks totally different i would have to say that my design inspiration is charlie brown's shirt poor charlie brown never works out yeah So he shows them a couple of places. He shows them this super modern $8 zillion place in the city.

Yeah. It's obviously not what she wants. And she's basically said she wants something homey, like country, like her house that you've already seen. Why would you buy her the husband's dream? And then I remembered, oh, yeah, yeah this is reza he doesn't care about how the wife feels he only wants to do what what the man feels yeah and it was and again i loved it although again um i feel it seems weird i don't know dallas at all but it definitely seemed like the sort of house that doesn't seem to i would not think dallas in that sort of house

but i'm surprised that tiffany hindra wasn't on the window like a Garfield thing, just like looking in, being like, we can move in here, Aaron. We can move in here, Aaron. Oh. October. So actually, Dallas is a very metropolitan city. Is it? Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

Yeah, it's like a big, rich city. There's some style up in Dallas. But this house is just so for the guy. And also, I think, way out of their price range. Like, it was too huge. And there's too many sharp edges. I don't mind. The modern style isn't my style.

But I like it. I mean, this house was gorgeous all the way around. It was gorgeous. But it's all sharp edges. You don't want that with kids. It's all hard surfaces and sharp edges. The kids are teenagers, though. Well, they dumb, too.

That's when they come home drunk and split their forehead open on the kitchen counter. I mean, if I had to rank the mansions that we saw on Bravo this week, I would definitely do the one where the guy wanted subterranean parking. That was my favorite one. Then the next one would probably be the one that's about to come on the market and then probably this one i like this one the best i thought it was really really beautifully done except that reza totally ruined it by licking a counter yeah that's how clean it is i was like well we saw you making out with some hoe of a stripper on an armenian party bus so i don't really know that you're the level that we should be holding these things up to your tongue is not really the level that we need to be holding these up to okay he's like i'm sorry just

every time i appear on bravo they at least give us a dry cookie so i have to lick whatever i can so let's see so he shows them that then he shows them the ugliest fucking house i've seen in a long time this house was ugly burn it down you know it's interesting when he when they showed the house i didn't like it it looked to me very like a very much like a mcmansion um you know 70s and like that yeah rental carpet and the pool in the back it's nice at a pool but it just sort of it just looked i don't know it's like i was on a golf course i was like not a fan. Ultimately, though, when they had to choose,

they actually chose that one and they redecorated it. I thought actually when they redecorated it, it actually looked really nice. Yeah, it looked a lot better. They did it with their own design and their own painting skills and all of that, and it looked way better. Yeah. I guess the shining

moment, probably the thing that sold it was a table or a counter that was like a modern counter but it had like a red pump on it this is so kim i don't even know if her name is kim it is kim it is kim yeah i think it's a kid it's mark and kim mark and kim this is so kim it's country like kim and also he's like it's time you've been together for a year why are you putting it off guys it's like uh do you remember going to thailand without your fiance i mean you can't hire people with a history and then expect us not to get mad like i got furious with him i got i wanted to stick up for adam the entire time of this episode adam's not even on this show it's like really what did you do to adam jerk adam probably loves that reza does this show because this show is kind of like

a tame gay like dream show looking houses yes but they're all the ugly ones that reza showed reza's like the king of ugly houses so i was surprised they actually picked this because for a minute i thought that they were going to just not pick and pick one of their choices again yeah i just assumed that none of the choices will ever be chosen because they're none of them are really that good i was surprised to uh for a moment i actually thought they might do one of the renovations just for a moment and i don't remember which one i thought it might have been i thought it might have been hit the renovation on his place the like the garage turned into a master bedroom i just have the garage starting into a master bedroom for rich people a lot of garage issues a lot of garage

issues on on bravo this week one guy wants it the one has it. I love when it's next top garage has what the other one needs. We just want subterranean parking. You can't have it. Okay. This is not a mall. Well, if only the guy from quote unquote Dallas realized there was a perfect, um,

house for him right there. He, you know, he wouldn't have had to come to LA. I like that. They're finding real people all over the place to do this show though, this was like this seemed like a real couple to me um and you could tell when she said um they were looking at uh well i think it was the house they ended up buying but they were looking at the house and there was traffic nearby and there was lawnmowers and goes

yeah well there's grass someone's gotta mow it okay and like if you look around like you'll notice that there's a homeowner's association so you might have to pay a homeowner's association fee she goes i don't want people telling me that i can't have hens this is such a real texan i love it yeah i think she cared more about the hands than her actual husband. I will get rid of the antlers, but no one's going to tell me to get rid of my hands. Yeah, this was not I would not say this seemed like a marriage that was full of passion. But, you know, hey, they got a new house together. I think this is called one of those marriages where you just don't want to die alone. Yeah, one of those. Well, actually, it's funny, because I'm on the Bravo webpage for this show,

and there's a screen grab of the two of them, and he's actually really good looking. I didn't even realize it. He's hot. She's pretty, too. She's just got that angry face. She looks like she wants to murder him. And then he even said,

Russ was like, What do you like about each other she's like i like that he wears dockers up to his muffin top and he's like i liked it oh no it's right he's like well i like that she can put up a fight okay this is creepy yeah turning creepy this show yeah he just needs to be styled a little better he's got a very conservative um like average style and i think if he if he just needs to be styled a little better he's got a very conservative um like average style and i think if he if he just was given some like something he could be like he could definitely be a hot daddy type yeah he's got that like texas you know conservative guy hair it's like a part and you know he has a comb in his pocket. Yeah, you know, he hates

pansies. Well, I think that brings us to the end of our show, man. Oh, it certainly does. Everybody, we love you so much. Don't forget, next week is our hangout, so find out about that over at patreon.com slash watchwhatcrappens. Come find us on facebook.com slash watchwhatcrappens

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