Watch What Crappens - #340: Nothin' But a Bikini and Prayer

Episode Date: October 25, 2016

It’s an avalanche of “sorry!”s on Real Housewives of Orange County while Tamra preps for her big competition. RHONJ has way fewer sorries, but hey. Dolores finally finished her kitchen, so there’s that. Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. Timestamps: 00 Crappens Superfight: Katherine Dennis VS Leanne Locken 19:22 RHOC 1:14:50 RHONJ See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsor, the gorgeous Christy Doherty, and our super premium sugar mama sponsor, Miss Madonna Hines. Madge with a sexy J. We love you girls. Hello, welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast, the podcast about all that crap we'd love to talk about on Yield Brovs.

I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV and the Rose Pricks Finding Prince Charming podcast. And I'm here with the gorgeous, talented, newly orphaned Ben Mandelker of the B-Side blog and the Banter Blender. Hello, Ben. Hello, hello. I'm orphaned? What happened? Your parents left town. My parents left town, yes. I always feel so alone when family visits and then they leave. I'm like, remember when we went to that place?

I know. It's sad. It's really sad dropping parents off at the airport. I really don't like that. You're a good son. I'm like, here's what Uber is. Bye. Everybody.

Thank you for listening. We just recorded our bonus episode today, which was really fun. We did the Ladies of London preview and then just talked a lot about Ben's parents' visit and citing celebrities in the TMZ tour bus. So come check that out. You can find that at patreon.com slash watch what crappens. And thank you to everybody who supports us over there. We're also doing our Google video chat hangout this week on Thursday. Oh, yes.

For subscribers. So check that out at patreon.com slash watch what crap ends. You can find all our links at watch what crap ends.com. And if you want to talk about these episodes that we're recording, you have any comments to make, or you want to talk about the show's recovering, come over to our Facebook, which is facebook.com slash watch what crap ends i was just

reading today about how real housewives of dallas is shooting and so i'm gonna be slipping into that a lot today well one of our listeners happened to be at a restaurant where it was shooting and she took some pictures of leanne mimicker andiker, and Rick having dinner. So that was pretty cool. That's kind of like the dream to not only see a real house with production filming, but that it's Leanne of all people. Because you know that discussion before you even hear it. It's, well, I think you could do that a bit more calmly next time you're around your friends.

He's saving me. He believes in me. Do you know how nice it is to have someone who believes in me his charity world is just beginning it's not over charity starts at home thanks rick so here now let's be let's feed some frito pie to the dog again so excited for that show to come back but in the meantime we've got these wonderful shows populating our bravo universe today we're covering the real housewives of orange county and the real housewives of new jersey but before we get to those we have a very special segment

we like to call super fight crap and super fight ben yay press that button so for those of you who don't know this is a game we've recently started playing with you where we didn't know we've been playing a game with you and you've been a great partner, guys. So this is a game we're playing with you where we pit Bravo stars against each other and we pick magical qualities that they have out of a deck of cards. Because it's a real game called Super Fight. And there's a literal deck of cards, deck of cards, that give these people attributes. The house of deck of cards is about to come crumbling onto the deck of cards.

So we have a great battle going on this week that got a lot of responses on Facebook and on Patreon. And it's just a really evocative image. We have a 50-foot tall, I'm sorry, a three-story tall Catherine Dennis throwing bears at a Leanne from Real House of Dallas. Leanne Lockett. Locken? Lockett?

Whatever her name is. Locken. Like, I'm locking the door. I'm locking the lock of my heart. And you ain't gonna open it. Yeah, so Leanne's special abilities are that she sprays neurotoxins and shoots webs. But also, she used to be a bear herself. webs but also she used to be a bear herself and um what was really cool about this is you know every week whenever we do these super fights um uh we make a little uh photoshop situation

and we had a little bit of help from one of our listeners um i'm blanking on the name and i'm trying to pull it up but of course course, Facebook is being so slow. But it was from Candice Ann Stamer, who actually created a picture of Leanne as a bear on a little tricycle. So Leanne actually has a fourth ability, which is that she can ride a tricycle as a former bear. Well, that's natural. That just comes with the territory. So we stacked the deck against Catherine Dennis by giving Leanne four powers. Neurotoxins, webs, former bear, and tricycle. Yes.

So let's go over what the readers had to say. When we fought it out last week who did we have when i don't remember i don't remember but i think katherine dennis uh three story tall katherine dennis is really hard to beat i think we gave it to katherine well i think you did and i gave it to leanne because i think uh you know leanne beat a trolley like no matter i will always remember that i will always remember that that's why she'll always win everything. She did beat a trolley. But it's an interesting battle of Catherine Dennis throwing bears at a woman who used to be a bear herself.

So I'll just kick it off. This is what people, we had six responses here on Patreon. Benjamin Cohen, one of our most frequent contributors, said, I know the guys picked Leanne. Oh, so we picked Leanne. I know the guys picked Leanne, but I think Catherine takes this. Leanne is not Spider-Woman. She'll be stuck jaw-jacking at

a 50-foot tall woman. Catherine's size means that she has two things going for her. They are an arm swipe and a stomp. Leanne won't be able to generate enough neurotoxin or webs to ensnare Catherine while dodging bears, swipes, stomps, and smashes. Leanne won't be able to get inside Catherine's ear to position

her brain either or reach her eyes. Oh, that's a good point. So he's of the mindset that Catherine's sheer strength will just be too much. Michael Horn says Leanne wins for sure as soon as catherine starts throwing bears at her leanne will be or leanne will continually scream bow at me catherine

bow at me you little bear mimicker i was a carny bear catherine will get confused and be like thomas i don't have a bow can you order me a bow on amazon prime wait no thomas don't have a bow. Can you order me a bow on Amazon Prime? Wait, no. Thomas, don't go. Come back, Thomas. And she'll run away chasing him. To catch up with him, she will get in a giant trolley. Leanne sees the trolley and catches it with her web.

She brings it toward her and slaps it repeatedly. And that was the end of Catherine Dennis. Erm. That was a phenomenal answer, Michael. This is what we've been waiting for. This is the moment we've been waiting for. An evocative story like that. Okay, Catherine says, Leanne wins because Catherine skinned all her bear weapons to make a new old lady fur coat.

Wait, so basically, Catherine is saying the deciding factor is the fur on the bear yeah because she's throwing bears at katherine and she's skinning them and making a giant fur coat out of it i feel like the fur coat though makes her even more dangerous because she'll be just heavier and more full of fur and more protected against the neurotoxins. Mike Bowman says, first of all, can Landon die in the crossfire? There's a bear in the sky! Like, I'm sorry that you throw bears, but that's not cool. I'm sorry that people with no claws throw bears.

So she can finally have a posthumous post About her adventures in her paper blog Getting mauled by bears Catherine can forego the bears And just smash Leanne with her giant statement necklace She made Mimic her, I got a statement necklace too Deliza D says Catherine totally wins.

It's not a fair fight because we've seen, A, Catherine ain't afraid to fight and or get up in people's faces while wagging her finger. And, B, using her body to block people from leaving a room and force them out the window. Add to that, she's now three stories high. She's now three stories high, so her confrontational tendencies are, quote-unquote, heightened with bears in hand. Oh, sorry, heightened and with bears in hand to whip at the tiny little Leanne spider. But Leanne is scrappy, and if she were to survive and get in a few jabs, i.e. sprays of neurotoxins, which I'm sorry, is such a gross concept. Sorry. I'm just imagining Leanne as like a skunk just spraying out of her ass. It would likely be the type used at Botox.

She's a housewife. Catherine could move so that the spray hits her right in the forehead between the brows. So if Catherine doesn't beat Leanne with her size, bears, and aggressive behavior, she still wins by keeping Leanne around to provide regular cosmetic treatments. Man, Catherine's doing really well in this super fight. Yeah, she is. Well well she's three stories tall so this is the final answer from betsy md this is a lose-lose situation but i do hope for the love of all things good and holy as a gynecologist that the neurotoxin that leanne sprays have a healthy dose of birth control in them katherine needs to take a reproductive timeout. So just a general commentary on the fight.

Well, I think Betsy, she knows what she's doing, and she is using and I'm telling you this as a gynecologist, she's using that womb as a weapon, because every baby she gets, she gets to hold a little bit more over Thomas' head, and now that he's gotten full custody because of that drug test that he planned that was supposed to be a surprise, etc. etc. She will now try and seduce him and get another baby

that is not all his, just so she can keep getting her Amazon Prime. The vagina is a weapon! Yeah, so I think that sounds like good old Catherine won this fight, right right i think it's i think it was a good fight but i think ultimately it was katherine's victory yep you know guys this

is america and we count the votes and the votes went to katherine katherine congratulations Congratulations, Catherine. So now Catherine's new opponent is... Seriously? Seriously? Oh, no. Kristen Doody? Dowdy? Kristen Doody. Kristen Dowdy!

Kristen Dowdy. And her special powers are that she's radioactive and she probably literally is at this point yeah now this is interesting how does this happen there's another three stories tall card in there so a radioactive chris should we give her different things have three stories tall yeah because this is that'll just be two crazy tall people fighting each other because katherine's already like three stories tall okay now this is interesting okay so she's armed with a puppy musket so they're both throwing animals at each other and kristin is radioactive katherine is three stories tall okay and what does katherine throw bears right yes yes okay What does Catherine throw? Bears, right? Yes. She throws bears. I feel like

Kristen will win and here's why. Catherine lost on the show. She keeps losing and losing and losing and at this point she's just down for the count. She's off the show. She can't see her kids. She's addicted to God knows what.

She's drinking with some like lonely sad you know plexiglass crib in her house it's not full of anything she's lost okay yeah kristin when kristin was kicked down and lisa was like you're fired how dare you say eat a dick diana or whatever when she was down and she was fired from the show. She couldn't come back. Kristen found a way. She acted like she was nice. She learned how to kill the game. She went to sketch comedy.

She, you know, got a new apartment with my same headboard from Craigslist. So she's, she knows how to win like she acted nice enough to even go on most of the trips i think she was kept out of one trip right but this year she's back on the trips i mean she's winning so in real life i think she's winning and what's her thing she's radioactive i mean catherine what's catherine gonna hide in her like c3 crib like you're not gonna get away from that.

I think this is an easy win for Kristen because she's pretty invincible as it is. The fact that she's radioactive means that whatever puppies she throws or that she shoots from her puppy musket will be radioactive in time also. And you know that Catherine is going to be all up in those puppies. She's going to catch one and then she's going to cradle it and be like, look, Thomas, it's another child. You know, but the puppy and like a little bonnet and everything. She's going to pass it on to the nurse lady who – the daycare lady. So I think this is an easy win for Catherine. But – I'm sorry, for Kristen.

But we'd like to hear what you have to say. So do you think – who wins the battle? Radioactive Kristen from Vanderpump rules, shooting puppies or a three story tall Catherine Dennis throwing bears. Yeah. So to play, just come on and over to patrion.com slash watch your crap bands where the super fight post is and post your answer.

Yes. And also I just want to say uh ben ben cohen he had suggested a few weeks ago that we should come up with some attributes that are not from the game but are more centric to the real housewives and maybe we'll start to do that so keep a keep an ear out for that yes and if you need help finding that post because there's like so many places you can go you can find that on our facebook.com. We always post about it there. You can find all these links at watch what crap and you know, the drill.

So just do it. All right, Ben, push that button, babe. Shut up. You're stupid. It is stupid.

It's very stupid. Shut up. Shut up. Stupid. Stupid. Gretchen. You know, it's not stupid. Shut up. Shut up. It's stupid. Stupid. Gretchen. You know what's not stupid? What?

A good comedy. Whatever could you mean, Bam? Well, you know, last week I was talking about Bajillion Dollar Properties. Oh, yes. The show on CISO. CISO. And it's honestly, it's so funny. Paul F. Tompkins is in it.

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Yeah, like I'm actually a fan of HarmonQuest, which is really funny too if you're like into D&D kind of stuff. Is it about Mark Harmon? No no it's not about mark harman it's uh dan harman he had he does like a like a fake dungeon and dragons thing and then he has like a panel of people on and they sort of like improv joke their way through it but it's also animated so it's like a little bit like drunk history meets dnd and i've never done dnd but it's really hilarious. Does Dan Harmon know Mark Harmon? Just kidding. And can we call him? And one of them is three stories tall.

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and then crappins it's crappins is the promo code at checkout. So don't get confused. Right on. Well, thank you, CISO. Thank you. Honestly, it's actually a really good service. I have been watching before they became a sponsor. Well, look at that.

We do have good sponsors. I was on Parachute Sheets looking for a new duvet because that duvet is so soft. But, I mean, you have to wash it eventually. I mean, even Parachute Sheets you have to wash. So I was like, maybe I can get another 10. See how to do this. I think Parachute is awesome. And I don't need new sheets at the very, very moment.

But when I do, I'm going to go there. Well, let us discuss The Real Housewives of Orange County, shall we? What an episode. Wow. Wow. First four minutes alone. Wow. Listen, any episode, you know any episode is good that starts off with,

You're trash. You're trash. No, you are. No, you are. No, you're trash. No, you're trash. That was literally the opening. You're trash, Orange County. Who told you about Ireland? Who? Shut up.

Shut up, bitch. You're rude. Basically, minus Ibiza, Heather just kind of repeated everything Ray said over and over. She was Ray. Yeah. She was gerbil gerbil faced ray yeah and so so heather you know it's so funny how how far heather regressed uh like i totally saw

heather as that like seven year old eight year old girl in the back of the school bus chiming in in a fight like not actually doing the fight but chiming in and doing like i feel sorry for you i feel sorry you're awful and your mom must be so disappointed you're in it like that's what heather had become and i loved that when she said she's like she's like you know what kelly you take things to new lows i feel sad for you and kelly goes i feel sad for you that you have to chime in because it's all you can do chime in didn't totally make sense and yet i kind of was like great point heather just basically starts all this shit on purpose then stands above kelly's seat just telling her what trash she is and she says you are the most vulgar

vile trash she's like you're fake and Hey, and you're fake and pretentious. And then they flash back to Shannon ordering all that tequila for Kelly. You don't want to drink? We're going to order a double tequila for Kelly. Make it a quadruple. Put tequila in her bread. I don't care. Soak.

Could you soak her salmon in a little tequila? Here lies Kelly's sobriety, killed by an O'Toole. So Megan, now Megan hasn't really done much this season, except get pregnant by sperm left in some trash can. God knows whose sperm that even was. And like, talk about the little peanut that's inside of her. Or open a candle. And harass people in a small town in Irelandireland are you an old tool you're a graystone oh my god you look like me it's like uh you're in a town full of white bread plain people of course they look like you uh it's like a cheddar cheese walking around in a cheddar cheese in a cheetos bowl being like are

you are you cheddar cheese you look like me hashtag truth hashtag knowledge that was so stupid wow this is how i'm starting off with cheddar cheese jokes watch out it's actually the second cheddar cheese joke we've made so far because there's one on the bonus episode i think didn't i say something about cheddar cheese man you start with cheese forget it but anyway she hasn't done much this season but megan really needs hashtag justice if you get megan on a justice path it works i mean megan in this one is just justice she's saying these girls are being mean with these little prods like i know I know Kelly's not in the right, but this is just mean girl stuff. Yeah, but she wasn't really on her justice path because if she were, she would have like gone into the mix. You know, this is a totally different Megan from last season.

She, in fact, even says like, well, I'm not going to defend Kelly because I don't know what happened. I'm like, wait, since when did knowing what happened have anything to do with jumping into the fight you are the queen of jumping in in pursuit of truth and knowledge okay so that inherently means you don't know what happened so she does some research like with brooks she had all that internet research she's like well i found a commenter on reality.com from 1994 that they knew Brooks one time and he lost a tooth in her iced tea and that's how I know it's true! I called her in Oklahoma!

Whoa! So she's gotta do her research but she still wasn't just going along with it because Heather later was like How are you, Megan? How are you, honey? like kissing her on the forehead which was so awkward so vicky basically so they're they're all barking and vicky's like

like you know everyone should be quiet it's 3 a.m and we just be quiet which i think is a fairly reasonable thing to say right like even if it's from vicky it's 3 a.m everyone just shut up and let's just get to the airport in silence. We're all fighting. And Shannon's like, well, you know, she's your friend. Stop acting like everything is fine. Shannon goes off on Vicky. Yeah.

Because Shannon can't win with Kelly, really. Kelly's just going to overshout you and call you ugly and talk about your goatee. Okay? She can't win with her. It's like, yes, that's your friend vicky you were talking tonight about how you hate kelly too i remember you were talking about how you hate kelly and vicky's like i just said i don't like when she gets mad that's she just she drinks too much and she gets mad that's all i said i don't know why everybody's so mad at me and what and just before we get on to that thing because that becomes a thing, I don't see what's wrong with Vicky saying, everyone be quiet because it's 3 a.m.

And how that becomes stop acting like everything is fine. That's Shannon inserting an issue onto Vicky right there. And I'm like, I love you, Shannon, but you are stirring up shit like crazy. And then, as you just said, that Shannon was like, well, she's big. You said that, you know, hey, Kelly, like I said, that's my thing. And that's when, you know, Vicky's like, well, you know, she's, I don't like when she gets drunk. And then Kelly, of course, because

she's probably drunk, and she's an idiot. She's like, why are you being mean to me? Why are you getting up on me right now? I'm abandoned by my friend right now shannon has to have everybody fighting with her or their assholes yeah every time she has to do it in a group or she gets mad and heather's the same way heather wants everybody they like plan it you know they do the housewives like here's what we're gonna do we're gonna get her wasted

you know like fall under your own trap they both kind of do that but shannon i guess it's so funny with shannon because she acts like she's so cool and chill and she's not yeah so kelly is trying to kelly's doing her typical what i do and then uh she gets pissed again because they're still yelling at her so she immediately drops a nice girl thing and she she's like, oh yeah, you know what she said about you, Shannon? That your husband beat the shit out of you. And now it's all out there. There, I said it.

Yeah, she just let that one out. And they, you know, they knew they were waiting. She fell right into their trap. She fell right into their trap, you know? Oh yeah, because look at how Shannon reacts. She's like, oh, help, there, you know? Oh, yeah, because look at how Shannon reacts. She's like, How dare you! Shannon actually said, You don't accuse people of beating

the shit out of others! Because that has never happened! I'm like, uh, have you seen the headlines? I just think that's such a funny quote. Don't accuse people of beating the shit out of others it's like stitching it on a pillow well that's in this manners um megan is of course being all

high money she's like kelly is getting attacked and her only friend in this situation vicky is letting it happen i'm like and who are you who are you you're the one who brought her into this group don't act like oh this is vicky's fault. You could be defending her too. Except that it literally is Vicky's fault because she took them all down to drink without Kelly and started saying all this stuff that Kelly said. So it's literally Vicky's fault. And Vicky's just pretending she's

all innocent. And she goes, look, all I said when David got in my face, I said I was afraid he was going to hit me like he hit his wife. That's all I said. It's a big deal. Oh, that makes sense then. Never mind. She's like, oh, okay. Hugs. And Shannon's like, how dare you!

Trying to ruin my children's life. Those are children! You shut the fuck up right now. My husband and I have worked on my family and my kids called you Aunt Vicki. How dare you cut their father down? My husband renewed my vows. I'm done with you.

They called you Aunt Vicki. Now who were they supposed to call their other aunt? Well, they're not talking to her. Who were they supposed to call their grandma? Well, they're not talking to her either. Do you see a pattern here, Shannon? I love also that one of the lines of defense is my husband rendered my vows like oh oh never mind i'm sorry i take it all back like she's being pulled over by the the beating your wife officer she's like well he did renew my papers and he's like okay you can go ma'am

meanwhile during all this heather is just yelling at Kelly, sit down. That is enough, young lady. Sit down. Didn't Heather say, you stupid bitch? Probably. It doesn't sound like her, but I wrote down Heather. And she's like, listen to me. That was not okay.

Okay. I love that this is going gonna be the remedy for everything is making sure kelly sits down because even shannon said she's like sit the fuck down like she's in her seat it's just like their gut reactions to tell someone to sit down especially shannon and heather because their whole fight shannon's first season was about a damn chair it's like all they can think about is sitting down where people are gonna sit and then heather's yelling at vicky and she's like you don't do that you don't do that client client and she's like well i have secrets that shannon shared with me in confidence and then they show clips of this big secret that supposedly is going around all the

ladies and she's like well you don't want to talk about your marriage well fine i didn't want to talk about what was happening with brooks's possibly fake cancer i don't know what what you're accusing me of but i didn't want to talk about that either so now we're going to talk about your husband beating you like logic circle wow like i understand the kernel of logic there which is that you know like you were gossiping about my man and this is what happens now you someone gossip about your man but the difference is that brooks was a con artist and they're saying uh he's being shady and david david beat shannon and she's trying to protect her children.

Yeah, but in Vicky's mind, it's like, well, David beat Shannon, and Brooks was trying to beat Kempzer. So it's like two guys beating things. Brooks is actually more of a hero. So in all this chaos, evil Tamara is like, okay, now it's my time to pounce. So she scurries up to Kelly, and then all of a sudden it's super nice, and it's like, is there anything. So she scurries up to Kelly and then all of a sudden is like super nice and is like, is there anything Vicky told you? Is there anything she said at all? There's the four fireball shots left in this $20,000

flask that Heather brought, batch. Want to take some more? And like, everyone's yelling because now Tamara's trying to get information out of Kelly. Vicky's yelling, Kelly, shame on you! You know? And then Kelly, of course, she's like she she says something which is inaudible but it's basically about eddie being gay that vicky said that eddie was gay or something along those lines so then comes the next wave of yelling and screaming and sitting down my favorite thing that tamra does is when she gets so pissed

that she screams and yells, and she gets right in someone's face, which she does all the time, especially with Vicky. She goes right into Vicky's ear. And Vicky's still pretending that she's not even affected at all by anything. She goes right up into her ear, and she's like, Screaming her head off right in Vicky's ear. That's my favorite Tamra move ever. Literally like the scene in Alien 3

when the alien goes up to Sigourney Weaver's face, opens its mouth, and a little alien head comes out of its mouth. Yes, and like sniffs her. It's like sniffing her, but it can't tell she's there because she's being quiet or something. That's how those stupid movies work.

The only thing that didn't happen here was that when Tamra opened her mouth, a little only thing that didn't happen here was that when Tamara opened her mouth, a little Tamara head didn't come out as her tongue. But it could have. Why have I covered a goo right now?

Why have I covered a goo? Where's my cat? Where's my cat? What's that alien noise? No one can hear you scream. That's Tamara. Those little heads keep coming out of each other like those little babushka dolls. David pops out of Shannon's stomach.

I feel abandoned by the aliens right now. The aliens are getting up on me. Oh, so let's see. Vicky tells Tamara, I don't know what you're talking about. I said, I said, but you had a great marriage. What's so wrong with that?

I said, you had a great marriage. And she's like, oh, let me see. My husband cheats on me and you say he's gay. And what else, Becca? She's like, I never said that about Vicky.

I never said that about Eddie. Okay. Yeah, I mean, to be fair, Eddie is the one who proudly boasted about having sex with Tamara to the music of Lady Gaga, so, you know. Yeah, he's the guy that

got a business purposely centered around a steam room. So that's not gay. I don't know what it is. And you know what? Fine. Gay marriage is legal now. Okay.

No one's coming after you. Yeah. And by the way, by Vicky saying, Alice says you have a great marriage does not mean that he's not gay. She's like, I would love to be married to a gay man. Gay men are great. You know, it's really hard to get a bad to respect you. And yours is always on. Your husband's always on his knees.

So something I'm looking for in my own life. And then this is when Heather does some alliance building, which is you alluded to before. She, like, comes up to Megan and, like, strokes her cheek and is like, I'm sorry. Your beautiful trip has been ruined by that trash. Right after going, Kelly, you're an idiot. Shut up. No, I won't shut up. You shut up. Oh, no, I won't. You are're an idiot shut up no i won't shut up you shut up oh no i won't you are trash you shut up you vile disgusting piece of trash oh megan i hope that you're

feeling better trip has been ruined megan's like this is mean she goes yes she's mean kelly's mean is that what you meant kelly's mean. She's like, uh, whatever. Where are the O'Tools? None of you are O'Tools right now, and I'm proud. So Megan tells us she sees right through Heather's bullshit. Now this is where Megan is shining, and it's of course with one

episode left in the season. But finally somebody tell, somebody to tell off heather i'm so sick of heather getting away with every little thing she does on this show it makes me nuts no one ever comes for heather and she's an asshole come for heather i know well heather's been you know she stayed sort of out of the mess this season i mean all she does do is chime in as uh as kelly said but yeah heather i mean she's due to have a bad edit probably next season you know i think every every like three seasons heather gets like the evil evil evil edit and i think it's time now this is like setting up the truly evil edit yeah and she came for megan when she was like how dare you i heard what you said about me going to

the hospital to see vicky in a net or whatever she's going. And Megan responded by being very calm and just being well, I'm sorry. I thought that and I apologize. And Tamara was so reckless. So she got her way out of that one, but she put a bookmark in that. It was like, I will be

back to you, Heather, when the time is right. Too bad she has been too boring to come back for another season. Sorry. At least I smell like peaches and sandalwood now. So now everyone flies back to California. And it's the aftermath of Ireland. And we see Shannon.

And she's unpacking all these crystals to bring good hospital-grade energy into her house. Is that what those were? I mean, I assume they were a bunch of crystals, unless she was going to build her own chandelier. They looked like glass pipes, like little weed pipes. Also, I read that more people die in the hospital than die of heart attacks. It was something crazy, because the hospitals are so nasty, and there's so many infections floating around it's like hospital great air smells like pneumonia we're home so shannon is once again saying it was one of the greatest trips of my life and it was ruined by a van ride to the airport i'm like well you know don't act like you didn't want to be ruined

otherwise you would not have been plying kelly with tequila you know I don't know how much she drank or didn't drink but you were poking that bear for a very long time so don't be upset that your trip got ruined by your own machinations I bought a green sparkle St. Patrick's Day shirt at the costume store how could they do this

to me on my trip so Tamara comes over she's like head bat check yeah it's been real tough because i've been working really hard and tense today and this competition's gonna be huge because my mom's gonna be there and my brother's gonna be there i'm like it could be a weenie roast okay your mom and your brother are always there. Could you find something? It's hard to get them to come. We're going to Barnes & Noble later. That's amazing because my mom's coming and my brother's coming. Oh, well, that's green.

I can wear my sparkle top. We can try this trip again. Oh, I see that Kelly came to the Starbucks here at this Barnes & Noble. Well, I guess this bookstore's been ruined for me, too. So they start talking about the weekend or whatever. And Tamara goes, well, Eddie's just confused because he's like never done anything to Megan. And then they cut to Eddie being like, or not Megan, Kelly.

He's never done anything to her or Vicky. He's never done anything to Vicky. And then it cuts to Eddie being like, well, Vicky's jealous of you and wants to be you. Which, you know, that is something. It is something. And then it's basically

both women are like, what? Oh, well, David thinks it's crazy, too. He just laughs. I told David and he just oh, we are so happy. He laughing and tam was like yeah me too like and he's totally secure in his you know sexuality like i told him the story and he laughed and you know coughed up a little sperm and then laughed some more i mean it was hilarious isn't it so wonderful being in relationships with men who are truly attracted to us all day long in such a happy, fulfilling way?

Who's David talking to on the beach? Who is that? Do you see that girl? Who's David talking to on the beach? I'm so happy. David! 40 to 50 positive thoughts about David because he renewed our vows and therefore everything is fixed. But he's still not allowed to have

Gmail, David. So Sanon, the detective that she is, says Well, she's just trying to get back at me for attacking her man last year over his phony cancer. She is revengeful! Yeah.

40 to 50 made up words. She is revengeful. Yeah. So next. 15 made up words. Now we start cutting back and forth to Vicky's house. Vicky's with Brianna in her new kitchen. No Tuscany here. No Caliente sign here. And Brianna's like, so how was Ireland? Oh, it was amazing.

I have so many pictures. Me and Tabra had a great time we did great we had so much fun well except for maybe the last couple of hours dust up in the in the van no big deal everything's fine let's move on you know so what did you do mom she's like well i might have said to kelly you know look i don't know if it's true i don't know if that he's gay but even if it was it's not like i'm being mean i love gay men i'm all about disco where disco go that's what i want to know i like i could use someone to talk to about that love eddie eddie is the only person i know that likes sucking dick more than me why does that mean to say what does it mean to say we share a hobby

and brianna's like mom if someone tells you that they're hurt you're not supposed to come back and talk about how hurt you are you're supposed to like focus on them for like 10 seconds okay i don't know well look i like what all i want is peace so all right i'm just gonna be ambassador i just want peace that's all i want you sister i love it and i love that brianna calls her out on every single thing even in her private interview time she's like yeah my mom's really spiteful and you know she shouldn't have said eddie was gay she didn't want it to spread around but you know she gets mad that's what she's gonna do she's gonna cause problems for the rest of your life yeah she's like you know she fights dirty if you fight dirty with her she's

gonna come back way worse and it's kind of like you, she's like, you know, she fights dirty. If you fight dirty with her, she's going to come back way worse. And it's kind of like, you know, she's right. And all these women should have realized that. Yeah, and Brianna's just laughing. They thought they had the upper hand with that cancer situation. They had no idea. The Vicky Gunvalson machine will never be defeated.

Yep, you guys, she ain't the OG for nothing. Love her or hate her, but she will always get you back she will never ever drop it she always wins so then tamra knows that so she's still over at shannon's like this is up vicky acting all innocent on the bus and then it switches back to vicky going i'm not taking responsibility for this there's no way i'm taking responsibility for this fight she shouldn't either by the way i don't think she should take responsibility for it they're all assholes like really the only person who wasn't an asshole was megan i mean kelly said really evil mean horrible things shannon repeated those things

just to get her in trouble tamra hit her then they all gang up on her get her drunk on purpose and then follow her around videotaping her on a cell phone trying to just poke the ape i mean they're all but this fight this fight though vicky got dragged into it they dragged her into it because they knew it was a way that they could get back at go back at vicky they knew it was a way to force her to take a side they knew it was going to cause uh kelly to spit up whatever vicky had said they this was not this wasn't vicky's fight i mean she was she was right she later on was like listen i didn't want to say anything because the moment i take your side the moment everything gets discredited they're just

going to come after me and i can't go i can't take their side because then i'm disingenuous so i was just trying to stay out of it because it's not productive if i get into this fight well she did get tricked because she thought well here we are this trip all these ladies hate me they hate kelly so when kelly goes to bed i'm gonna call them all dead students we're gonna pay so she did that to try to win them back and then she started gossiping to try and win them back but they're not on her side so they just used everything against her so i mean vicky's no innocent vicky's never also i mean also never underestimate the power of tamra to misconstrue anything you know because the whole thing was that that vicky said something and vicky was talking about all the shit kelly was saying about tamra behind her back and then tamra got so mad she took a selfie and sent it

to kelly and was like hey bitch we're hanging out without you. But the truth is, Tamara interprets information in very strange ways. That's like the ongoing story of her life. She hears things weirdly. She takes the worst possible angle and she gets very spiteful very quickly. And of course, Vicky also is a gossip. So the two of them together are a disaster so vicky it's very possible vicky could have said something that probably wasn't the best but probably wasn't the worst either and then tamra took it and decided okay i'm gonna run with this right now because i want kelly to go crazy yes tamra is too much of a vicky apologist but let's not take tamra out of the equation either oh my god never tamra's the worst and then she's sitting back there at that

she really is the worst she starts every little fight on this show and they call they say heather's a puppet master no heather is the shit stirrer she'll stir it but heather's not she doesn't even know how to make a damn puppet she would have like a nanny make the puppet like she doesn't even she's not interested three happening here these women are not coordinated enough to have any sort of puppetry okay go to beverly hills then you can make a case but here no yeah i mean their faces don't count if anybody her husband is the puppet face maker yeah all they do is they just poke at things they they sense something as arise they poke and poke and poke keep poking keep poking megan yeah heather doesn't even have enough conversation with anybody to know what to fight about.

She just fights about whatever kind of shows up on her doorstep. It's true. So then Kelly starts relaying her side of the story to Michael. Well, this begins with her tripping up the stairs. She goes, have a nice trip. See you next fall. Oh, geez. The staircase is like, oh, we should never have tripped her in the first place.

She must have had an amazing 90s because she cannot let it go. I mean, her life must have just been amazing in that decade. So she's sitting there describing the whole situation. And Kelly has zeroed in on Heather of all people. And she's like, here's the real problem heather she is the puppet and everyone is the master like i don't know that works that way she said this so many times and i was waiting for her to get it right once but she never could quite get it and when she said it her husband just looked at her like oh geez you're dumb well then

i love how so kelly's going on you know, and this is classic soap dish of Sally Field getting mad. And you, and you. I had nothing to do with it. And you. So she's like, so she's going off about it. And she's like, and Vicky, supposedly my friend, and she doesn't even stand up for me the entire time. She leaves me alone.

I felt abandoned by her. And Michael's like, listen, of all the issues you have, Vicky is the least of them, so you should probably drop that and michael's like uh listen of all the issues you have vicky is the least of them so you should probably drop that one she's like okay like wow like voice of reason yeah i like when he's getting the story she's like they were just ganging up on me and i just don't understand where it came from i mean i was being pushed and pushed and i mean maybe i said something vicky told me about her husband beating the shit out of her. He's like, what? Wait, what? He's like, we're never getting asked back.

So the rest of this episode was the apology tour. It was Kelly's apology tour going from lady to lady. Yeah, it was a dual apology. Well, it was Kelly's apology tour interwoven with the other women wanting an apology from Vicky. They only got one. They only got one of the two vicky's like no i'm not we're all hurt i've hurt you're hurt it's like a world of hurt get used to it you know it's called be it alive so um before the apology as the apology launches we have tamra going into having a session with mia mia jesus coach yeah and mia's like did you have drinks were you separated from god and tamra's like maybe bitch maybe you know drinks

separate you from god she's like well yep i guess i was a little separated from god because well vicky made me you know vicky was like vicky was like the serpent and then you know apple martinis just kept falling off the tree and then i drank them and i was like why serpent. And then, you know, apple martinis just kept falling off the tree. And then I drank them. And then I was like, why am I naked? It was crazy, Mia. And Mia's like, oh, girl, that's a classic. Listen, Tamara, you can't blame it on Vicky.

I'm sorry. Vicky was there encouraging you. I mean, she was like, drink, drink, drink. But that's because you were part of it. You guys were partying together. That's what happens when people are partying. If you said you didn't want to drink, she would not have – she did not tie you down and force you to drink. Especially in the episode when you were part of the group trying to make Kelly drink to make her look stupid.

Come on, Tamara. Come on. So Mia's like, well, you know what you got to do, right? You got to forgive her. Forgive her. She's like, how many times do you have to forgive do, right? You got to forgive her. Forgive her. She's like, well, how many times do you have to forgive? Is there a number in the Bible? Like, how many times do I got to forgive the same batch, batch?

She's like, just forgive. You are an unlimited fan of forgiveness. Do you understand me? Forgive. If it takes 5,000 times, it takes 5,000 times. She's like, all right, well, I guess I'll forgive her then. Because Jesus me, I told me to. So then we got to see a montage of Vicky and Tamara apologizing to each other over the years, which was great because they've done it so many times.

But honestly, Tamara, for someone who has had to apologize on her behalf so many times, you really should not be carping at the fact that you have to forgive Vicky. Yeah. People have given you a lot of passes, Tamara, a lot. and they're still going after each other for old shit it's hilarious like to have a history of this show like to have watched all of these episodes they're still fighting over the same fight you know yeah at the end of the day but this is uh tamra trying on these stupid little bikinis for this competition she's got coming up gimmick rounds and at one point she's walking for mia and mia goes don't move that lighting is gorgeous i was like it's fluorescent lighting in the gym no that's god's radiation i love jesus mia i hope she comes back next year yeah i like her too and she actually she actually is a little bit of a voice of reason for Tamara, believe it or not.

So then Megan and Kelly go out to lunch. And Megan, of course, is patting herself on the back saying, See, you know, even though Kelly says strange things, I still go out to have lunch with her because I'm not a fair weather friend. I'm like, oh, like Megan's little campaign against vicky will just never cease like you're you are a fair weather friend i think well she's uh she's sticking with her storyline i mean she's definitely committing to pretending she's friends with kelly i don't think that that's a real thing because she seems shocked every time kelly acts like this yeah but i like that megan you just it's hard to read megan because she's acting really nice right now but she's dressed like carola

deville i mean she's wearing a black and white fur uh-huh vest collar thing it's weird it's like bring me those puppies what did kelly what did megan say to her uh kelly say to her she goes when she arrived she goes whoa look at you it must be taco tuesday yeah that mean from wondery this is black history for real i'm francesca ramsay and i'm consciously what do most people think about when they hear the words Black History. Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February.

And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th.

Or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break

in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance

at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of.

But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad free right now by joining wandery plus though she i thought i thought she just announced that i was talking about tuesday i think she i think it was two separate concepts maybe i don't know i was like sometimes i sometimes i only listened half an year to these things well this that that opening of this episode had me typing like I was a court reporter.

It's like every little thing that happened, I was like, She's like, I'm sorry. So, yeah, it was Taco Tuesday, though, at Tortilla Republic. Megan, despite the fact that she was, again, trying to poison the waters against Vicky some more, she was kind of a voice of reason, even if it was a very obvious reason. She's like, you know, your life would be so much better if you weren't making little jabs at people all the time. Like if you just didn't make jabs and took the higher road, people would like you. And, of course, Kelly's like, I know.

I know. I'm trying to be a better person. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just since I was abandoned by sense they abandoned me i just don't understand why these girls don't like me it's like uh you make really low blows the comments you make are so mean i mean you told shannon you accused her husband of beating her and she's like whoa like so why what's the big deal it's like that's mean just if you don't say things like that, then you'll be okay.

It's like, oh, thanks. You're a good friend. What's wrong with beating? I mean, there's a song called Beat It that we all love. We love egg beaters. We beat all sorts of things. Like, we like it when one team beats another. Like, what's the problem? Why is it okay for Shannon to have a 70s party, but I can have a Michael Jackson party?

Why is it okay for Shannon to have a 70s party, but it's not okay for me to say that David beats her? I don't get it. If we're not allowed to talk about beating it, I'm never going to be able to teach Shannon how to make a pizza dough! Stupid. Okay, so next up, Kelly goes to see Vicky.

Well, Vicky comes to see Kelly in the room and I guess figured out the elevator, which made me proud, I guess, of Vicky. Yes. So Kelly's like, could you come up to my room? That sounds so weird. Like Queen Elizabeth over there.

The elevator's ganging up on me. So Vicky comes in. She's like she's like oh hey i thought we were having such an amazing trip was that great kelly's like it was the worst trip of my life like tamra punched me in a department store you guys yelled at me in a bar you guys tried to make me drink and you guys screamed at me on a bus it was the worst trip of my life well you know that's tabra but i would seriously sincerely try to have you fight your old battle because if i went to your side did they get mad at me you know and then they're you know that they're mad at you and then they're mad at me you know who am i going to drink with at three

in the morning you know when you're asleep it's like vicky has no argument and she says well you you're really bad because she said it was trying to give you tequila to get you drunk you know like i did with tabra or like tabra did with gretchen it's like the real reason why i was mad is that i had no one's nose to flick it did hurt my nose it did hurt i feel like we didn't talk enough about the fact that on the on that van ride when vicky was like all i said was that i don't like it when you drink too much and get angry and how kelly like did not hear that and like all kelly heard was no you're a heinous bitch somehow that's how what she heard you know and i feel like kelly totally threw vicky

under the bridge so quickly um that it was kind of funny to me that now she's like oh yeah no i get it i understand now i'm like hell you have to stop doing that yeah that jekyll and hyde thing yeah drunk the drunk personality in the sober one but i'm sorry last week when they showed that montage of kelly apologizing while she's crying was so good and she's only been on one season i know one season she has like her montage was longer than the vicky anthology montage i know i'm sorry they just came out of my mouth i did like uh all i did like vicky explaining things by not explaining them at all but then still being forgiven i thought that was so funny she's like well you know i was just saying i don't like when you get drunk at night because, you know, it's that good.

Yeah, you get bad or whatever. She goes, but you didn't say not to drink. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I did. I did say not to drink. Remember? And then they show her like, you want a drink? You want a drink?

You want a drink? You want a drink? To be fair, though, that was like on a different day than the van night. But yeah, it's true. I didn't even tell you to come to Ireland, to to be honest so then kelly tries the puppet master thing again she's like heather it's like a puppet and then other people are mastering puppets she's like i don't know what that means but i'm not one of heather's people okay i don't even know what a hexagon is i'm not gonna have that kind of ice in my drink. I don't get her.

She's stupid. You know, everyone loves kittens and puppets, but I don't like puppets, okay? They poop everywhere. No, that's a puppy, dear. I was just trying to mend fences. That's all I was trying to do. Mend fences. That's all I wanted to do. You know, bend a fence. Like, there was a hole in a fence, and I got out a sewing kit.

That's all. Look, I don't want to be excluded. I don't want you to be excluded, but I especially don't want to be excluded. Vicky. Come on, Vicky. So she pulls the Kelly. It was like, okay, if I could do it all over again, I would change it. Sorry. So Vicky.

So now over Tamara, Tamara's practicing her toddler, her wadlers and tiaras. Without a surfboard, which made it extra difficult. I really need a surfboard for this. That says, cut that ass. She's walking around in her little suburban backyard, you know,

just like 10 square feet. She's strutting from like one flagstone to another, trying to perfect her Miss Fitness America pose. Wadlers and Tiaras batch. trying to perfect her Miss Fitness America pose. Well, there's a tiara's batch! I'm the hottest batch this batch competition's ever seen, batch. I'm going for the gold cup of bitteray, batch. So she's walking around

and Vicky calls, and Tamara has, I guess, an iPhone 6 Plus, like the giant one like I have, and it's so funny on her tiny little hamster face. It's bigger than her face. Yeah, what do they call those when it's somewhere between an iPhone and an iPad? It's like a phablet?

Yeah, that is so 2013. I can't believe we just said phablet batch. It's a phablet. Yeah, well, phablets just came to Orange County, and I have the first one batch, okay? It explodes in her face and only helps yeah she's like good i need to lose three pounds anyway so please explode it off me phab so vicky calls her full of excuses oh ireland wow what a great time i mean maybe alcohol you know came in the way of our good time but still what a great time

and she's like alcohol made you say my husband is gay, batch. But she didn't say this because Tamara's not drunk either. Well, Tamara's like, she's blaming everything on the alcohol. I'm like, do you know what you just said to Mia, right? That Vicky got you drunk and that's what caused the problems. So come on now. So Vicky moves to, well, that bus, that was a drunken brawl. And I don't like that behavior.

And I don't know what to do. Tamara's mouthing to us apologize so she goes but that guy shaman is hurt that's what vicky says well welcome to our world i'm hurt she's hurt we're all hurting okay everybody hurts sometimes it's a song what do you want me to do okay you ever had a dream called rem um you know i do love though i i just love how these women contradict each other every single minute not that we don't also but they're held to a higher standard because they're on tv and basically they're like we don't want another apology like all like all she does is apologize it's like the same pattern they're like he's like well anyway she was drunk well how about you apologize i'm like well what do you want her to do apologize or not apologize what would you like i love gay guys like what you want me to apologize for loving gay guys i'm sorry

i love eddie okay there i said it's not national tv i'm sorry that david beat shannon is that what you want me to say okay i'm sorry let's just pretend i'm david call shannon right now and i'll say i'm sorry for beating you is that that what you want from me? He's like, no, Vicky, no! I'm sorry I did not find you a shelter soon enough. I'm sorry that Eddie will always have better taste than any of us.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we cannot be as fashionable as Eddie. I'm sorry that Eddie asked for a strap-on for his birthday sorry i'm sorry what do you want me to say so now it's kelly and tamra at lunch and tamra's all nice tamra you know why tamra's all nice when she walks in because she's like okay we're going back to plan a which is going after vicky so i'm gonna need kelly on my side for this exactly look

nuclear war is ugly but it's better to have a bigger nuke okay and that is kelly kelly is the bigger nuke here so she's like i will take you and we will take that vicky together bitch yeah and what was the one of the first things that tamra says she's like i'm really sorry for pushing you kelly to the edge because you know i wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been drinking. I'm like, oh, okay, so the booze is back in. We're allowed to blame the booze again. Okay, got it. Oh, the hypocrisy.

So delicious. So she's like, well, I calmed down today. I really want to break it out. Uh-huh. So she talks about her working out more and people could not care less okay she's like but tomorrow i do all up a body and then before the competition i'm gonna work out again she's like okay so okay so after that thing you said about my daughter like that was so hurtful and so so they go over this. And then Kelly, the typical, I know.

I'm crying. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just, everyone was ganging up on me. I'm sorry. I just wish, I just wish you would have taken my flicked nose trick a little bit better. I'm sorry.

Those were just, I never meant to mean that hurtfully. I know. You're a great mom. I know. No, no. I don't mean it like, I never meant it like that, Tamra. You really get me, Tamra. No.

Ew. Ew. Ew. No. No. Shut the fuck up, Tamra. Shut the fuck up. No.

I'm sorry. That just came out. It was also beautiful when Tamra walks up and she's like, is that water? And she goes, no, tequila. They just had this whole drunk fight. Oh, Kelly. So Tamara's like, well, bitch, yeah, it's making me forgive you. So I forgive you.

She's like, okay, that's great. But I don't want you to be mad at Vicky because Vicky really loves you. She's like, well, speaking of Vicky, we talked on my giant phone today. She's like, oh, you're a bigger person. It's like, you're a bigger person, Tamara. No, just my phone. Just because I talk on a big phone does not make me a bigger person. Makes me a smaller person with a bigger phone Batch

I'm deprecating myself I am defecating myself I'm self defecating Anyway I'm using my phone On my surfboard tomorrow So they're deciding Who they're going to forgive and who they're not gonna forgive they're both like going down a list of who's who gets forgiveness yeah tamra and tamra wants

kelly to apologize to shannon now yeah and she tries to explain it she's like well tamra shannon they were friends and so she leaned on vicky. And then Vicky took that information and then she used it again. This totally false information is totally false. And then used it against Shannon. You know how little sense you're making right now. I know what you're trying to say. But you're also basically saying that that rumor is true while saying that that rumor is not true. Get your story straight.

You're on camera. saying that that rumor is not true. Get your story straight. You're on camera. And I like that Kelly was like, I shouldn't apologize to Shannon. I mean, all I did was say that she had a beard. I mean, not like your kind of beard. And Tamara, this is another thing that Tamara said. She said something like,

well, I repeated it. The other one, he said it. In some fight, she said that. And now she goes, well, so what? I repeated it. The other one, he said it. Like, in some fight, she said that. And now she goes, well, you accused her husband of beating her. And Kelly goes, well, I didn't say it. I just repeated it.

She's like, well, yeah, but... The way they fight on this show just cracks me up. They don't remember what they said from one minute to the next. I know. And then around now is when Kelly, once again resurrects her puppet master thing she's like the one i will not apologize to is heather she's the puppet master she's the one with everyone doing everything and then i'm like how like you were this this is why you will never win in a housewives fight because

you don't even the fact that you were assigning so much importance onto heather in the situation shows how deluded you are and also she still can't get it right she's like she's the puppet master and everybody else are like these little mice scurrying around wouldn't they be puppets it's like heather's just a puppet master but she's never had a puppet. Not one time in Kelly's thinking has she actually had puppets. She's just like a puppet master with random people sitting around. She's like, I was turned on the TV the other day, and it was just like a whole show of people just following Heather's orders. There was like a frog and a pig and someone named Gonzo and a bear and a dog playing the piano, all doing whatever Heather wanted. Ma'am, here's that tequila soda you asked for.

Oh my god, I feel like Heather right now. Totally did what I wanted. It's Heather's friend, Alfredo. I heard that you messed with Alfredo. You are trash. How dare you? You are rude, and you are trash. Shut up.

You shut up you shut up shut up so basically she tamra agrees to invite her to her her waddlers and tiaras after party so that she can start waddlers and tiaras yeah because you know a waddle is like that you know that skin you get as you age. Yeah. So Tamara, now Tamara calls Shannon. Yeah. Now that she's gathered all sorts of information from Vicky and from Kelly, she goes to Shannon and she's like,

well, get this, bitch. I just spoke to Vicky and Kelly. Shannon's like, I can't believe it. Tell me more. Well, I hope that the other line was just saying sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry is that all you heard because that's all you should have heard uh and

Shannon goes well that's good wait what'd she say oh Vicky called me uh and she didn't give me apology but she said we have to move on and Shannon's like well everything was good. And we had moved on until we found out that Vicky was concocting lies about us. Okay, Shannon. It's like Shannon, typical Shannon reminding her why they're mad in the first place at Vicky.

It's like, stay focused. We are mad at Vicky. She's concocting lies about all of us. And as we know, the lies were true. Yes. Right. I mean, know, the lies were true. Yes. Right? I mean, according to the internet. So, yes.

Who knows, you know? Who knows? We don't know if... That's a bad line for me to go down. I'm not going to go down that path. Don't go down it. Don't go down it. Yeah, we don't know.

We don't know. There's like many different shades that this could be. It could be he threw a remote control at her head. It could be he slapped her. It could be he threw a remote control at her head. It could be he slapped her. It could be a boxing match in the house. It could be like straight up like lifetime abuse. We don't know. You know, the article just said that the police were called.

That's all we know. All we know is that Tamra, as a born again, did the most Christian thing possible, which was. Crucify Vicky. Yeah. Suggest that that Shannon invited Vicky to the party so they could all confront her all at once uh look if there wasn't a last supper they wouldn't have been able to betray jesus so let's just all show up for the last supper okay all right well i'm not eating I'll tell you that much so basically

Tamara calls get Shannon all worked up she's like but Vicky's not sorry and Kelly's like kind of sorry but like still doesn't understand sorry sorry so sorry to come to the party you have I look forward to this chance to make Tamara

happy and I need closure so I would look forward to this chance to make Tamara happy, and I need closure. So I would look forward to a chance to tell that Kelly. It's Tamara's day, and far be it for me to raise any objections, because I am a level-headed, easygoing gal. That's me, Shannon Bedore, Miss Easygoing. Ha! Look at me, enjoying life like a Claritin commercial. Ha! Ha! David, I think I've got a nickel stuck up my butt.

David? David? Are you sure it's not emotional debris, dear? Get your thumb out, David! David, why are there so many balloons in the sky in this Claritin commercial? David? David? They're going to crush David.

David, I told you I don't want to go on balloons anymore. You never used to want to go on balloons, David. David? Yes, I told you I don't want to go on balloons anymore. You never used to want to go on balloons, David. David! Yes, dear. So now Mia and Tamara are in a limo on their way to a limo. These two. So they're on their way to the competition. She's like, you got lots of nice text messages.

And Tamara says, yeah, thick-ass texted me that she's looking forward to celebrating all my hard work. Does that mean you want to talk behind my back, Batch? He's like, no. Forgive. Forgive her right now. Forgive her. Says the queen of talking behind someone's back, Tamara Barney. Press star six eight to send a forgiveness message to Biggie. I saw

this very informative ad by Caratop saying that if you call 1-800-CALL-ATT you can call Collect. And I like to collect. I'm Jesus. So at the competition let's see Tamara is trying to do this whole thing where she's basically

doing a biopic film of herself where she's like, this has been such a long road batch to get here. I was in a traumatic accident that could have killed me and all of my friends. And also, I went to church. And also, I lost

my belly button in an accident. This was like the sequel to Shine, okay? It was like, Tamara doing squats, and then she crashes, and then she's in a wheelchair, and then she does a squatting, and she's like, this is like the first time I've done a squat since the accident and now here she is. Wow.

What a journey. I'm like Daniel Day-Lewis and the left foot. Daniel Day-Lewis was in my dream last night now that you say that. He was? I don't know why. I feel like it was just a poster of him. I feel like that guy is probably fucking insufferable.

But he's a great actor. Probably the worst. Yeah. He seems like he would just be the worst. Okay. So, let's see. Gretchen spray tanning Tamara's ass outside. Wow!

Look at your butt! Like that scratch. Oh, and then that gay guy who was out there while she was getting her butt crack sprayed yeah so he's like oh my god look at your feet are you from the oc no it's like i'm from heaven's wedding room florida god i like that actually orange county queens are the worst she's about to go on stage and he's like oh your feet are disgusting do you want some slipper spots orange county queens are actually pretty bad. They're either like super, super bro,

or they're like very, very tacky queens from a different parallel universe. From the land of strip malls and match-ups. From the lands of Costa Mesa. So they watch. Tamara wins this competition with her giant... What I loved is all the girls enter the auditorium. Of course, they, like, you know, half them ignore Vicky and Kelly.

And when the women start coming out in their bikinis, they cut to David Bedore, and his eyes were like saucers. He's like, yes, dear. No, I'm not emailing anyone, dear. What? David, I wasn't saying anything. Oh, sorry. I guess I was just preparing that in advance.

He's scratching his phone number on the bottom of his seat. Call me, dear. Call me, dears. The selfie wars were hilarious because Heather and Shannon were pretending they didn't see Vicky and Vicky and and

vicky and what's her buns kelly and so let's take a selfie and then vicky and kelly are like but that's weird they didn't even say how to let's take a selfie so they took a selfie they're taking these competing selfies yeah you're 50 selfies have been the make or break things in this season i mean that's what got kelly riled up in Ireland, the selfie that Tamara sent. Oh, my God. Selfies. Jesus, ladies. So Tamara ends up winning this whole shebang.

And she does this prayer thing to Jesus, which was so funny. She's walking down the hallway. Like, before the results ran out, she's, like, walking with it. She's strutting. And then she does, like, she covers her mouth like she's praying. And then she points up at God. She's like, yeah, she's strutting. And then she does like, she covers her mouth. Like she's praying. And then she points up at God. She's like, yeah, God. Yeah, God.

God bless. I'm so sure. God's like, all right, I'm taking a break from all the wars in the Middle East and the starving people in Africa to watch this bikini, this old ladies in bikini contest. All right. I believe in you, babe. It's like, thanks, God. You're my best batch and then everything ends on an uncertain note as uh you know like shannon all the women go up to

tamra like congratulations and they're taking pictures with her and then vicky comes up vicky and kelly come up and shan's like this is my cue to leave am i gonna stand up on stage while Vicky takes a picture with Tamara? No. No. Do I want to be in a picture with Vicky? No. Do I want to breathe in any more of Tamara Barney's tan chemicals? No. No. So they are just taking a group picture. So now Vicky and Kelly are like, yeah, let's take a picture.

And Heather and Shannon walk away and refuse to do it. And Heather's like, oh, no, no, we just took a big picture. But I would like a selfie with just Tamara. And Heather's like, oh, no, no, we just took a big picture. But I would like a selfie with just Tamara. And then whips out the selfie weapon again. Oh, the worst. It's amazing. So next week, I guess, is the finale.

I didn't know. I'm so upset. Yeah, next week is the finale. There's going to be a big fight. And once again, Vicky's going to have to start off next season probably having to grovel for everyone's friendship again. That's tough. She normally doesn't go two seasons in a row having to grovel for friendship again. Usually she gets like one or two seasons where she's in everyone's good graces. Well, this is a bunch of ladies who don't forget shit.

Heather's never dropping anything. Shannon's never dropping anything. And Tamara will be at war with vicky forever they're like the classic frenemies of the show so vicky's vicky screwed i will say this is a good season for vicky even though she's done a lot of stupid shit and gotten in trouble she really didn't have she didn't have the support of everybody else like she didn't get to have fun scenes with everybody else she was stuck with kelly and she still had a really fun season to watch well you know vicky yeah vicky has uh had she had it was tough this season because her one ally is total disaster i mean she one ally is kelly

a total disaster the other one is tamra who is questionable and she's going up against shannon who is really like not one to get over shit like it takes her we saw it took two years for her to get to a point where she could at least fake getting over david you know yeah so like it was it was tough and whatever progress she made has basically fallen apart so it's it's gonna be a tough road back you know her only hope is you know that whoever comes on next season will either be a better ally or someone will just take take on shannon or whatever where shannon's gonna realize that she needs vicky that's that's her only hope well i'm hoping that it's tamra's daughter-in-law

and that vicky turns her against tamra that's like my dream storyline hoping it's coming soon orange county that's a tall order but it might just happen might just happen all right would you like to move on to the real housewives of new jersey i certainly would all right let's do we're being yes get straight in there let's let's let's so since the age of 14 i've been putting people together you gotta keep trying that's that's coming up later in the episode so just know everybody that siggy will make you feel better about yourself soon yeah yes so it's uh guess what it's the first day without joe because this this show this season can't go like a single episode without some sort of countdown or count up

from you know jail in some form or another. It's all related to jail in some way. So the Gorgas are bringing Chinese food over. And this is actually one of the most interesting parts of the episode, the Chinese food, because it looked delicious and I really wanted some. It's bad when you get upstaged by, you know, sweet and sour pork. This is definitely not going to turn into a spinoff for Teresa. She's not handling this single mom thing very well. It starts out with her like,

Oh, girls! You want some breakfast, girls? Melania's like, you're boring. Dad would be taking me quad riding right now. You're not doing nothing. Melania's way of acting out is to get onto a highly dangerous vehicle and go speeding around the property i don't even know why they have those quads what is wrong with them so dangerous and then teresa just getting abused the whole time by her children which was pretty funny i was like she better whip

out a wooden spoon because i have a feeling she's not that easy they must be taking advantage of her because the cameras are on because once those cameras go off there better be some bruises it's called empty out the gasoline in those quads they and on top of that by the way melania i don't know if you notice it's not just melania every time melania gets on that thing little adriana seems to latch on from behind it's like you know looking at two koalas yeah i don't mean that in like a mean way just the way koalas like are like like they sort of attach to each other like that they're so like in a way what are what's happening here yes and they're riding out there and she's speeding up the thing and joe's like whoa whoa she's speeding up the drive day she's gonna get hurt theresa's like yeah just let her do it yeah and she wasn't on the kitty quad i

mean i wouldn't even trust the kitty quad she was on joe's quad it's like a track so joe runs outside and he's like hey melania here's what you gotta do write the quad but but be in control okay it's about how you control it i can't imagine what this kid is going through ever since theresa had my the first kid i've been there for him and i'm to be there until the end of the days. I'm like, you didn't talk to the family for, like, three years, dude. What are you talking about? Yeah. You have a hissy fit every time you have to, like, heat up an English muffin for your own kids.

You pretended you didn't have nieces for, like, three years. That's, like, half of their lives. The fuck? Hey, hey, I like Joe Gorga. I will defend that cute man to the day well not to the day i die but i'll defend him for a little while i mean he has a very big penis in blur shots yes i really can't wait to see like a leaked nude of him it's i feel like it's actually overdue and it's shocking that it has not come out yet it's shocking that he

hasn't put it out yes on his own insta i mean what the hell dude you're joe gorga you do it purposely do nude scenes all the time how has nobody given us a picture yet and you know what russian hackers aren't any of you gay come on now like stop with like getting meddling with this this stupid campaign do what we really want which is hack into joe gorga's email and get some of those nudes out there for us please we could probably hack it ourselves you know the password is like joegorga at gmail.com or the address is joegorga at gmail.com password fart i feel like the probably just like whoa whoa whoa it's like boobs we're in we've got everything we did it so anyway um meanwhile across the state or the county or the

town uh dolores and siggy are in a store which always makes me happy because when these two are in a store the stuff that didn't even say anything but i'm just endlessly entertained especially dolores so um and the store is called which is i Pepe. Yes. Which is, I mean, fuck in New Jersey. They went to like two places with French names today, and I was dying. Because you know they pronounce it like, let's make it French. Like, I'm on a paper store, but I want it to be French, because it's closer. Yeah, let's go to Petite Papery. So they're in there because Dolores is planning a party to the unveiling of her kitchen, which is really a personal journey for her.

And so they have their party planner, Serena, who Serena kind of looks like Katy Perry's long lost sister from rural Pennsylvania. And so Dolores is like, all right, well, we need to get some stationery. And Siggy's like, did you tell Serena about what this party is all about? I'm like, here we go again. And Dolores is like, well, you know, I had to renovate my kitchen because, you know, like, I need to do something for myself. I can't rely on Frank. I can't rely on Maz. And my fiance, I mean, that's another story.

All of them. Boo died. And then my children, they're out of the house, practically, and I got nothing going on. I need to do this for myself. I gotta understand this. I never was educated. I was a police detective for so many years. But the real crime is I never did something for myself. Serena's like, hey, listen here, Serena. All my girl Dolores had to do this year was one thing.

Know your worth. You don't need a man for strength. She's got it inside of Serena. And Serena's like, uh-huh. You going to take that pen? Serena's like, how about some more Hallmark figurines? How about that? I never knew how many kinds of paper

there were, and then that's how I found my dream. She's like, we're not talking about you. I don't know why they call this the Petit Papery when there are so many different types of papers in here. It's more like the Grand Papery. Am I right? I don't get it. I'm not educated. What can I say? I don't get it you know and i'm not educated what can i say i don't know what petite means even you know what but frankie he knows he's growing up so fast he's gonna go to college soon i mean body like his he's

gonna have all the girls he's not gonna be paying attention to his studies what am i gonna do tell frank i mean i don't know and she said oh you know what frankie told me that frank thought i would never get this done and she's like oh good for you but you're talking about how much you don't need a man yeah you're using his money to do it he's budgeting the whole thing he just bought you a job for you to go to every day and also and now all you care about is what he thinks and you're hearing that through his son how was it how is it like i don't i don't understand oh frank never thought i'd be able to do this. What are you doing?

You're existing in the same house as people come in and put cabinets up. You're not building the cabinets yourself. You are not sanding down the wood or painting anything. No, Frank was. That's what's so hilarious. Like what, he didn't believe in himself? He literally did it by himself with his own construction crew. I just don't understand how – I think it's great that she did her kitchen, and it looks nice.

I'm for it. Great. But I just don't understand how it represents a milestone in her independence or anything in life except that she got a new kitchen. And it's very gray, which is sad. You know what? You know what? My island is twice the size it used to be, and it just reminds me I'm my own island. I don't need to be a peninsula. I don't need to be attached to Frank. I can be an island. I can be a big island. I could be the big island of Hawaii. You know, I've never been to Hawaii. Frank always said we're going to go to Hawaii. We never went, and I was going to go the other day, but then, boo, you know, I couldn't go. But you know what, though? I enjoy Hawaii Five-0. It's a great show. I have a sink over here, the kitchen sink, and I have a sink on the island.

It's like two different sinks. What sink do I want to use today? I don't know. I'm an independent woman. I'll cross that bridge when I independently arrive at the bridge. But you know what, though? It's my choice, all right? If I want to use that sink and then go to that sink, it's my choice.

It's not Frank's choice. It's not my fiance's choice. It's not Frankie's choice. It's not Boo's choice. It's not Jacqueline's choice. So, of course, the scene basically turns into them gossiping about shit they're not involved in in any way, which is Melissa, Jacqueline, and Teresa fighting. So it's another scene of that. So then we go over to Jack and – oh, wait.

Why do I keep skipping so far down? There was something with Melissa because I have a note in all caps saying six days before the Envy fashion show as if that means anything. Like, oh no. Oh no. I have Jacqueline and Chris. I don't know. Maybe I've stopped taking those apart. It was like a little thing. I don't know why, but I wrote down that there's six days before the

Envy fashion show as if A, that meant like, I don't understand how six days before a passion show indicates any sort of time crunch oh no there is a week for us to put clothes on hangers oh melissa this is a huge fail this this thing which we'll see next week okay stay on topic damn it so jacqueline and chris jacqueline she's talking like this and she's wearing a shirt that says namaste away from me which is really cute except that's totally dina's thing and yeah and it's also kind of obnoxious but jacqueline has never been so pleasant as when she had no voice

i know it was nice you could just kind of put whatever personality you want onto her because she's not giving herself one like a mr Mr. Potato Head, if you will. Yeah. That's what I'm looking at right now. She's so petty. Honestly, the thing – Jacqueline is so, so petty and immature. It's always driven me nuts about her. And it makes me annoyed that she is making me take Teresa's side in all this crap.

Yeah, me too. And she really gets outed later, which is hilarious. So Dolores is at her kitchen getting ready for a party and she invites everyone she's the grandma you want to come home she like invites the whole neighborhood over you know which is so awkward and ciggy comes over first and she's like hey look at this house this is amazing this is what it looks like inside dolores's soul it's all gray and dolores is like you like the fake antlers? You like them?

You like the antlers? I like also that when Siggy is approaching the house, she goes, Joshua, you haven't seen Dolores' kitchen yet, right? I'm like, why would he have ever seen Dolores' kitchen? It's not, like, trending on Facebook. And why would he care? Yeah. This is what you should be Snapchatting about.

You should be Snapchatting about the kitchen, the Holocaust Museum. Not any of this other silly trifling stuff you send your friends, Josh. Joshua, let me tell you what you need to be Snapchatting about. You need to Snapchat about antlers because they're part of nature, okay? And another thing that's part of nature is mothers and children, okay? Joshua, I want to be your Snapchat, all right? Just snap at me. Oh, people have cabinets now joshua snap

that he's like she's not jewish ma joshua we're going on vacation to the islands delores's kitchen island enjoy so the grandma comes over and she's 102 literally yeah and siggy does that thing where the lady's old so she must not know english or even be present in her brain because he's like oh look at you honey you got cold hands huh i want to know your secrets i want to know how to live a long and happy life zoom is like get this lady out of my face lady's like please take my hearing please thank you and dolores always whips out that question where she's like grandma tell him how many wars you lived through huh how many wars you lived through grandma huh

you might live through another one tonight huh grandma, Grandma? You ready? My God, she should not be here. I know. This poor lady, she's, God bless her, she's 102 years old. We don't need the last memories of her life to involve Siggy and Jacqueline and the rest of these jokers. Yes, because they start, just like they do to the waiters at restaurants, and just like they do to the ladies at the stores, they start gossiping to this old lady. She doesn't care. Siggy goes, Hey, Grandma, we have a friend. Her name is Jacqueline.

She's guilty. Guilty of loving too much. Forgive me if I try. I was just trying to be the best mother I knew how to be. Is that so wrong? Is that so wrong? Is that so wrong? Guess I'm guilty in the first degree of loving Joshua. Trying to be the best mother I know how.

Hey, I know that speech. Have I heard that before? It was in season three of your soap opera. The son also sucks. So, Jacqueline... This German makes me look like tweety bird so that's soap dish for anybody who's like what the fuck am i listening to sorry so jacklin everyone required reading for this podcast soap dish and big business because you never know when we're going to slide into the dialogue from those movies. Yeah, required watching because I'm sure that the screenplays aren't going to

be as interesting. You've got to have Bette Midler, Lily Tomlin, Sally Field and Whoopi Goldberg, okay? Yeah, and I also recommend Bullets Over Broadway. Oh, John! Okay, so Jacqueline and Chris arrive and Siggy's like, oh, look who it is, Grandma! It's who

we was talking about. That's her. She loves so much. She loves so hard and so much. You know what? If this world were full of Jacklins, there would never be any of those wads for you to live through because it would just be love. 102 years of love, Jacqueline style. You're having trouble breathing because Jacqueline

might make you feel tight with all of her love. She hurts. She's hurting. She's hurting so much right now. Joshua, look at how much she's hurting right now. So Melissa and Joe are in their car driving over and Melissa's like, I don't need

friends like that, Joe. And he's like, you need apologies what you need. So she calls Tree and Tree's like i don't need friends like that joe and he's like you need apologies what you need so she calls tree and she's and tree's like oh yeah i was trying to call yous i'm like no you weren't theresa like what your phone just wasn't didn't happen to be working right liar to be fair and put it on the quad but okay lani drove over my phone in the cloud you know it's like i gotta stay home because the girls miss daddy okay he's gonna call tonight so we gotta be here because you know daddy's gonna call the girls are upset man love yes he's like you love each other now they're so fake i'm not buying them at all yeah um but what kind of jail do these people go to that they get to call every day? Danbury.

Well, actually, no, Joe's not in Danbury. Joe's, like, he's in, like, a real jail. Yeah. With Apollo. Rawr. Rawr. Now, there's a late-night snack, I could imagine, in the kitchen. Like, hey, the one who cares.

Speaking of criminals, in walks Kim D to the housewarming party which always makes me so happy what a beautiful house look at this home i didn't know you could do a whole place in fluorescent lighting good for you look at that antlers that's gonna be the new look for my fall fashion line antlers everywhere uh roadkill yeah um so kim d didn't really add a whole lot to this episode which i was so she did it she just made me happy that's all yeah i was happy to see her she always reminds me of sally kellerman walking out onto the stage to play mame pause for one second did you know that um uh danny theresa and danielle stop are friends again Yeah, they've been namaste-ing on the Instagram. I think like 10 people have posted it and gone,

what the fuck? They're all saying the same thing. What the fuck? And it's a picture of them doing yoga together. Well, you know, I think that once Teresa went to jail, she realized she couldn't really be mad at Danielle Staub anymore. So why not get another ally that I think the audience would be excited to see again i never

really understood how hot it was to pick up dollars with my hoo-ha until i went to the camps so i really respect you they better bring her back like oh my god i think they're going to they better i know she's awful but she's great at the same time like danielle staub this woman was on for two seasons years ago. And she's still like a legend in the Housewives universe. I mean, I know she's crazy and terrible. But she's a legend. Yeah.

I think that they're probably going to get rid of Jacqueline again and bring her on. Please. Please. Jacqueline's like an annoying. She's an annoying fighter. She whines and then cries. And it's just not like a good fighting experience yeah it's not fun for anybody because again it's when they start just making shit up for just so they can fight you

know i hate that so basically they come over it's it's pretty uneventful the wakilis come over and rosie comes over with laura was my girl law we met in the shitter yeah um and then and also jacqueline moose and joe show up and melissa like just like okay well i'm not gonna say hi to jacqueline because jacqueline was a bitch to me and now jacqueline's like oh i think i feel more sick now that like now that melissa's here and giving me the cold shoulder i'm like no because you were crazy to her okay like i don't know. I'm getting piled up. Yeah, you started it, and you continued it, and you got your finger in her face and was flicking her nose.

Like, what the hell with this week on The Housewives? There's only one woman who's allowed to flick a nose, and her name is Kelly Dodd. Even Siggy Flicka doesn't flick a nose. So she, yeah, so she doesn't even try. I also want to add that Jacqueline was wearing a shirt that said, Namaste, away from me, bitch. And you're upset that Melissa stayed away from you?

Please, I can't. Yeah, she can read shirts, okay? She's a professional in the fashion industry. If anyone knows how to read a shirt, it's her. Yeah. So she just kind of ignores him. But Joe goes over to say hi to the Wakilis and everything. And Jackie is giving him the cold shoulder.

She's like, mm-hmm. Shut up, Jacqueline. Chris is kind of being a dick. All the Wakilis are being kind of dicks to him. And he's like, why? Why? What's the big deal? Huh?

What's the big deal? And everyone's just being mean. And Richie's like, yeah, well, apparently I got a tongue that's made out of bones. Yeah. Richie just needs to be quiet. He tries out his foursome material again. He's like, yeah, but we all have a foursome together. I just wish Rosie would hit him.

Punch the lipstick off of his face. Richie is gross, but I still think he's actually smarter than a lot of the people on the show. I really, I just want him to go away. Which is a bar the low bar i'd like to have i still think though i think that he's just i think that richie thinks that most of the people are just like schmucks so he's just gonna say whatever the fuck comes to his mind that's gross and disgusting because a he is a little gross and disgusting but b he really doesn't care richie i mean just being from a lebanese family he's like my my dad's distant cousin you know it's like oh would you lose some weight look behind you you know it's that guy yeah it's that fucking guy who's gonna be a jerk in every situation

uh yeah fuck that guy so anyway they're all being dicks which none of this has anything to do with joe like chris is really i get him standing up for his wife because that's what i believe that you should do that in your marriage but this is too much there's a difference between standing up for your wife and just enabling a crazy person i agree which is what he's doing and especially um as before chris and jacqueline leave the party because jacqueline's sick, Chris is like, hey, I want to come out. Joe, I just want to talk to you. And he's basically saying that he, you know, they're hashing out the Vermont thing,

and Joe Gorgo's like, well, you know, at that dinner, Jacqueline went buck wild to Melissa, and Chris is like, no, she didn't go buck wild. She was defending herself. Come on, Chris. She went buck wild. Defending herself would have been like – She screamed nose jobs at somebody, flicked them in the face, stood up screaming and yelling in a restaurant.

Who does that? Yeah. Defending yourself is saying, you know, Melissa, it actually kind of hurts me right now that you're not – that you seem to suddenly forget like X, Y, and Z. And this is crazy. I feel like I've been there for you. But you're not – going buck wild is pointing your finger in someone's face like, you've got five dollar shops and everything else that happened. Yeah. He says, it's like you show up at dinner and someone's got a loaded gun under the table.

Really? She was the one shooting everybody. Yeah, exactly. The only thing loaded there was the one shooting everybody yeah exactly the only thing loaded there was the nachos and he goes well i had a popcorn lunch and i would have liked you to come and she was like we didn't know we didn't know where we supposed to go should we not go does she need an older nose to go i mean what the hell like she just screamed and yelled at us and he goes look to be honest with you joe's always gotta pull it back to some kind of misogyny you know that's like that's his center yeah look here's

how i look at it they was both wrong okay they're both women all they do is yell and scream and each other here's what you gotta do brother just tell your wife to get it together oh my god jesus and yet he's kind of right in this case misogynist yes correct yes yeah and he does kind of do that with melissa he doesn't tell her like you're not gonna fight over that bitch but he does say like well you know when she says i'm never speaking to her again he's like well you well, you need an apology. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Chris, Chris just enables Jacqueline at this point. Like everything she says just goes. I'm like, no, she's a crazy, immature woman.

She is. And, you know, you like you should give her some like helpful advice. Like maybe you overreacted. I think I think there's like room for that suggestion. Well, it wasn't even a reaction to anything it was just her completely on the offensive and screaming and yelling i mean she looked like a total asshole and i can get it when chris is hearing the stories from her and then sticking up for her like that but to actually see it in action and try and make everybody else

feel bad i mean you should be saying look our got into it, but I'm so embarrassed that my wife, you know, is trying to start physical altercations and shit like that. Sorry, she was in a bad place and she just needs to feel more love from her friends or something. Yeah, there were a lot of ways that all of this could have been handled better by everyone involved. But the worst way that it could have been handled was by the Loretas. Yeah. So they decide to make up. And Joe's like, yeah, now be a man and talk to your wife. So Jacqueline's outside honking because she wants to leave.

And Joe goes, yeah, look at her cracking that whip, boy. You better go. Oh, jeez. Joe. Yeah. Keep it classy, buddy. Mm-hmm. So Dolores gives a really fascinating speech.

She's like, well, I got a kitchen. Yeah, yeah. I was in that house. And I mean, this house. Independent woman. Formation. Yeah. really fascinating speech she's like well i got a kitchen yeah yeah i was in that house and i mean this has a independent woman formation yeah and what else happened in this so now we're like in a completely different world yeah so after after this like party then we have we see siggy parking her car terribly in town like her front fender is like half in the middle of the road she's like what can i say this is the best i know how to park my car in life you got to try your best but sometimes you got to know when's enough is enough

i'm like you're parked perpendicular in a parallel parking spot but um she goes and gets her hair done with her mom um because they're like bonding and they need she needs to spend more time with her mom etc and this is cross-cut between Melania and Teresa spending time together. And, of course, Melania is, like, playing with bare wire. Teresa's like, Melania, that's bare wire. You can't let her do it yourself. She's like, whatever, Mom. And she, like, knocks 10 empty water bottles off of the shelf onto Teresa.

And she's sacking out. And Teresa's trying so hard to look like a good mom. She's like, oh, she's having a hard time. Okay, Melania, what do you miss the most about daddy? What can I do to be like daddy? She's like, oh, shut up, mom. You can't be dad, okay? There's no replacement for dad.

But what can I do to be like, what can I do for you to hate me not as much? Like, nothing, you idiot. She's like, oh. I love your hugs. Give me hugs. She's like, you know, Melania's really been acting out ever since Joe's been gone. She's like doing things like pouring water on bare wire,

but you know, that's just what she needs to do, you know? She actually said at one point, she goes, Well, you know, everybody in their life, they have hard times. And I hope that for my kids, this is their hard times. Because, you know, I don't want them their life they have hard times and i hope that for my kids this is their hard times because you know i don't want them to actually be doing hard times you know i would be like the whole family it's a lot of hard times yeah the juda says they literally do hard time yeah i was like that's probably not the saying you want to be using right now you're

theresa so yeah so then we go back to siggy and her mom which was like a nice scene it was a little unremarkable they go to lunch with their little perms or not perms but they just had some curls and siggy's mom was like i know i i need so little in life you know all i need is my children and see he's like i just want to be there for you, Mom. You've been a great mom. And they cry. It was like nothing. She tells her mom, Ma, I get upset with you, Ma, because I want you to do for you. I want you to do for you. She's like, all I need is time with my children. She's like, no, Ma, you should be doing this yourself without getting your hair curled. I haven't gotten my hair curled since 1974.

Ma, you need curls in your life. What have you been waiting for all this time? And they have lunch at Le Baffelier. Yeah. It's like basically a hamburger place with a French name. Yeah. Hamburger! That was cute.

So then we go to the gym party because first we had Dolores' damn kitchen party. And now the other thing that Dolores' husband handed over to her to make her feel like she's completely independent while being completely dependent. The gym. Yes. And this was testament of how far she's come as a businesswoman, which is that she had an idea that women should come to the gym on a Saturday night. And now they're coming to the gym on a saturday night and now they're coming to the gym on a saturday night so because it's ladies they decided to make it extra special ladyish by serving up protein shake martinis which looked disgusting and you know they had like bacon vodka

in them you know there was like something gross in there and by the way if in case they weren't already totally unappetizing the person who served them was maz all right ladies who wants a protein shake martini yeah hey uncle maz has got something for you to swallow ladies welcome to empowerment night yeah it's like female it's female empowerment night it's like saturday night with all these people without dates like you want to feel empowered? Come over Saturday night when you're dateless and try and make yourself good-looking enough for

a man to accept you. And then we'll do the yogas in the see-through room in the center of the gym where men can ogle you and make fun of you the whole time. I was thinking about putting an island in the middle of this room, but I was like, I don't know. It's a lot of work, but then I thought, this is something that I can do.

And I said, Frank, should I put in an island? And he was like, I don't know. So then I spoke to my fiancé, and he was like, I don't know. And he made Frank look like a decision maker. So I told Frankie, and I was like, island? You want an island? He's like, what about Boo? I was like, oh, Boo.

I forgot about Boo. You know, it's a lot with Boo. But Maz, he was supportive. So, you know, here we are. Ladies' night. Islands in the stream, that is what we are. Am I right, Boo? Yeah.

So someone on the Facebook actually said, like, how is women in a glass box in the middle of all these ogling men empowering only in Jersey? And I thought that was so fucking funny. So thank you for that comment, whoever I just stole that from. Also, and thank you for the meatheads in that gym for being attractive in the cutaway shots. I appreciated that. So then so Jacqueline does not come to this event because she's sick as we saw she's really sick and dolores calls her and is like hey i know you're sick i'm just calling to say hi give me a call which seems like a relatively benign

thing yeah and she even says i i knew jacqueline couldn't come because she was sick but i wanted to give her a call so that she would know that we're thinking of her on this night, that we're having so much fun because she was here starting. She started this with me. And then it shows Jacqueline walking around with fires in the gym going, you want to come to ladies night? Do you know a lady? She's a real business builder there. Yeah. So so so then so they're doing this like ladies night thing tree is uh

is teaching yoga which i thought was funny when she said all right let's do a tree pose i was like what pose is that is that going to jail um well tree oh yeah it's like uh put your hands behind your back you're in a tree's jail tree pose get a cavity shirt when i was away i learned the yogas and it really helped me so much and i thought yeah this is totally someone who's learned yoga in prison she's like all right now do a down dog touch the floor okay now do a tree pose okay now bend over backwards okay now stick your butt in there okay i'm sticking my finger in your butt to make sure you don't got keys or something. Okay.

This is the most forceful, non-relaxing yoga class I've ever seen in my life. It's like squat. Okay, nothing fell out. You're safe. Go back to bed. All right, time for warrior one. Warrior one. I'm like, is that warrior one or worrier one?

This is definitely learned in jail. Warrior. So then Maz comes out with a martinis. And then Siggy does her seminar, which I actually – all I wrote down was that she did a seminar. I don't even remember what she said. She didn't say anything. She's like, I'm Siggy. Ever since I was 14, I've been putting people together.

And here's how I do it. Here's what I tell them. You always got to be looking. You always got to be trying trying because if you ain't looking you ain't cooking am i right you're gonna be single forever okay okay thanks for listening to me it's like my speech and then sure enough delora next thing we know delores is talking to maz again and she's talking about her kitchen and about boo so if you think that we are exaggerating, no, because that's what Dolores says. Well, you know, I got this all together. I got my kitchen renovated and Boo,

you know what, it's done with Boo in the kitchen, you know, but like it all worked out. If I burned a calorie every goddamn time you talked about your kitchen, you dead dog, I'd actually be thin enough to look like I work out at this gym. You know what this gym needs? Antlers.

Oh God. What sort of ideas do we need? Glad to have you on board, Dolores. So we get a little more Teresa time, but this is basically Melissa getting ready for her fashion show. And Joe's at home trying to help the daughter get her bracelet on. He's like, yeah, look at me. Now I'm having to put on a goddamn bracelet i'll tell you this men are fucked okay like what am i putting on

a bracelet for my daughter my wife's supposed to do that we're fucked we're even gonna have a woman president that's how fucked we are this is this is this is where i fell asleep watching the show and i had to resume the next morning because it was something about the envy fashion show and joe once again doing that whoa this is crazy i'm a man and i'm putting a bracelet on a girl just put me instantly to sleep literally but i love how melissa was freaking out she's like throwing a fashion show at this caliber for a small store like mine is huge i'm like what caliber fashion show is this it's like yeah i don't know because i haven't practiced the you know The girls haven't practiced putting on the clothes and taking off the clothes and walking all at the same time. Only Melissa would have a fashion show where they're walking, taking off their clothes, and putting on other clothes at the same time.

That I buy. So first thing she said that I bought. So Dolores and Siggy are on their way over there in the car talking about, oh, pretending that they have their own lives to talk about for a minute. And then it turns over to Siggy like, well, I don't think Jack is coming because she's not speaking. I say, keep drawing. It's like a relationship with your throat. And Dolores is like, well, she's not even speaking

to me. And I only called her because I wanted her to feel part of it. But she didn't want to speak to me, so fine. Now she's saying I tried to make her look bad by making her look like a no-show. And now she's saying she's mad I didn't put her on the flyer. So we did not have nice words, okay? I lost my temper.

Actually, fuck you, I said, actually. That's what I said to her. I was like, oh, okay. I love how Jacqueline, who was a no-show, was mad at Dolores for setting her up to look like a no-show. Yeah. show was mad at Dolores for setting her up to look like a no show. You know, because so basically what happened is that Jacqueline, Jacqueline suspect or accused Dolores of making that phone call. So that way she could basically spin the story of like, well, Jacqueline's not coming and she said she's gonna come, but she's not because she's a bad friend.

And I don't know if I'm gonna be friends with her anymore. That's what Jacqueline's not coming, and she said she was going to come, but she's not because she's a bad friend, and I don't know if I'm going to be friends with her anymore. That's what Jacqueline is paranoid of. And then there was this business about Jacqueline – about being on the flyer. Was Jacqueline saying that Dolores' new take is that Jacqueline's not coming because she wasn't on the flyer? Do you know – could you follow that? Yeah, well, the first part – yeah, that's what – she's so paranoid, paranoid jacqueline she's like oh she's trying to make me look like a bad friend she's turning on me so then she said to get you back because this was a phone conversation so to fight her she's gonna say that dolores didn't put her on the flyer and left her out

so she's gonna pretend that she's really upset that dolores hurt her feelings by leaving her off the flyer which is just so fucking immature but now that dolores has called it out it's going to be really interesting to see if jacqueline actually does that yeah i mean well because she's going to look like such a fucking idiot if she does it oh okay so i i went a little too meta because i thought that Jacqueline was saying that Dolores was setting up the scenario to make Jacqueline look like she was mad at Dolores for not putting her on the flyer. No, she was saying, yeah, she was saying, you're making me look bad, so I'm going to pretend I'm hurt that you didn't put me on the flyer. And that really hurt my feelings. So that's her way of fighting back in housewives language i guess and then dolores actually had the most salient observation of all saying did she do something wrong to me to think i would want to do that with her like guilty

conscience yes exactly this was the weirdest scene but it's so it was so good because it really shows you how it works behind the scenes. Because she's not supposed to be talking about Jacqueline calling her off camera. That's like production stuff they're not supposed to be saying when Jacqueline's fighting about production. You did that scene, so I'm going to do this scene. So she not only did that, but she's figured it out. She knows her game. She's like, okay, so what was she doing to me that she would think I'm getting revenge on her?

Backwards. Just goes to show, Dolores was a good detective. She figured it out real quick. She's like, what the fuck do you want from me, Jacqueline? I'm not going to be a whipping post, Jacqueline. And Siggy's like, well, I feel bad for Jacqueline. She's like, I don't feel bad anymore. And she better stop where she is right now

and cut the shit. I was like, yes, Dolores. But she loves so much. She loves so much. She's paranoid. She's paranoid that she may not be able to love any more than she already loves. Oh, God.

Oh, we forgot to talk about that part in the gym where Robin came to the gym with Teresa. Oh, yeah. And she's like, oh, hi, everyone. Thanks for having me at the gym party. And Dolores goes, well, look, I got no problem with you. You know, but my only problem I got is that my friend Jacqueline's got a problem with you. So she's even going above and beyond fighting with her for stupid ass Jacqueline.

And she goes, look, I got no problem with you. I don't care. Like, there's no reason that we can't be friends. And Siggy goes, it's an awkward situation that we're in now. You see that you put us in by coming to this gym party. Made more awkward that Joshua and Sophie are not here. And I love them so much. Siggy Flicka breastfed Josh, everyone.

And you know what came out? Protein martinis. Joshua came out of his mother's cookie, everybody. Joshua, I'm gonna put antlers on you and pretend you're in my womb as a lamb. Except I'm in a fawn.

I don't know animals. I don't get it. We know Joshua and so... Good. Well, that brings us to the end of our show uh everybody that was so fun i feel like i was barely making sense this episode i feel like weird things were coming out of my mouth and i apologize sense how such bullshit comes out of my mouth all the time doing these shows but in our defense we were talking about two crazy shows i mean orange county alone i was tired by the end of that one.

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