Watch What Crappens - #341: She's Just Yacht That Into You

Episode Date: October 27, 2016

Love may be in the air on "Below Deck," but rejection is on the high seas. Kelley and Kyle fail in the romance department as their plans for Emily and Sierra fall overboard. Fighting and pizza trails ensue. Then it's on to "Yours, Mine, or Ours," which continues to be an outright failure of a show, and then finally "Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles." Come listen! 00:00:00 - Intro 00:07:03 - Crappens Mailbag 00:16:54 - Below Deck 01:14:53 - Yours, Mine, or Ours 01:33:41 - Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles Subscribe at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

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I am chipper all of a sudden. I like when you call me cherubic while I'm hungover, slumped over at the desk. I'm like, ugh, little angel, little chain-smoking, drunkard angel. Oh, that's right, because you went out in Boys Town last night, did you not? Yeah. How was it? There was a lot of swimming in martinis happening. It was super fun. I mean, I'm not going to complain.

I ran a bunch of gay guys with gigantic martinis and you know occasional people in their jock straps wow that's very exciting you know what i did last night i went to north hollywood and i played a game called the gallerist which is about um like getting art into a museum so we both had a sexy night. Lots of sexiness was had. And then, of course, as people on our Facebook page, facebook.com forward slash watch where crap ends. If you go there, you can join in on our in the conversation of watch where crap ends, Bill. But importantly, you can see things like when we occasionally go on to Facebook Live like we did yesterday from Shake Shack in West Hollywood, and that was quite the experience. Tiny burgers.

Tiny burgers. Los Angeles loves their tiny burger trend. Well, I guess it's not a trend. In-N-Out's been out for a long time. I think we can agree that when it comes to burgers of that tier, I think we're both a Five Guys kind of guy, right? I'm a Whataburger man. I have a Whataburger on every damn corner. But there's no Whataburger in Los Angeles. tier i think we're both a five guys kind of guy right i'm a water burger man well i mean

but i'm a burger on every damn corner but there's no water burger in in los angeles no so i'm just dreaming okay don't get it twisted five guys is delightful although they did make you stop throwing nuts on the floor remember when you like peeled a peanut and you threw the stuff on the floor yeah they don't do that anymore right well whatever they don't have to see when they're not looking just throw a shell on the ground and see what happens first of all here's the problem with shake shack is that if you're gonna look okay here if you're gonna compare it to like in and out and to five guys shake shack's sexual innuendos is just not on the same level as five guys and in and out okay so already that's working against it but also i thought the

burger was a i've now been there twice i i got two different burgers and they both were unsatisfactory however the chocolate shake delicious yeah and you even had it without the malt which was an option yeah i went malt free malt free um steps big steps were happening in the shake shack big steps and it was on our Facebook Live. Although I did not capture the moment when you bit into your burger and like this crazy oozy cheese just splattered all over your hands. Yeah, like brown gravy cheese splattered everywhere. It was hot.

It was literally hot. He burned himself. Yeah, it was hot. So if you want to check that out, go to our Facebook page. Of course, you can go to WatchWhatCrapHands.com, where you find out where all our social media links are to things like Twitter and Instagram. I just posted a boomerang of Vanderpump Rules. And for a moment, you'll be able to also check out our Vine links, because Vine is getting shut down as was announced today. Did you hear that? What are all those young teenage comedians going to do?

Exactly. They have to explore a world of like 12 second and 30 second content. Oh, that is too much. I don't know if I can sit through a 15 second video on Instagram. I need my six second videos, Vine. So if you want to see our Vines, watch

them now while you can because soon Vine will be no longer. So go there. Yeah, go watch my Vines from 2012. My three Vines. Remember when we were doing our Watch What Crappens Vines and we were like dubbing over things for six seconds? That was fun. Yeah, it was really fun.

But you know, consistency is hard. It is hard. So then, last fun. But, you know, consistency is hard. It is hard. So then, last but not least, you can support us on Patreon. That helps keep our podcast alive, as does subscribing on iTunes, which y'all should do. Subscribe on iTunes. But when you support us on Patreon, you get access to a weekly bonus episode. week we talked about what did we talk about we talked about like hot actors celebrity sightings and

something else I don't remember we did a preview of oh ladies of London oh yeah ladies of London ladies of London and I talked about my parents coming to town that was a super fun episode even though I'm

blanking now. You know, playing board games about art just erases the mind. And then tonight we actually have a hangout, our monthly Google hangout, which is super fun. And also, when you

support us on Patreon, you can contribute to the Krappen's mailbag, which is coming up in a few seconds. And also the Krappens Super Fight, which this week is about a radioactive Kristen from Vanderpump Rules going against a three-story tall Catherine Dennis from Southern Charm. Who would win? And of course, if you are really cool, you can donate at the super high levels and become a premium or super premium sponsor like our wonderful super premium sponsor Madonna Hines with the sexy J. Madge!

And we also have, in addition to our usual premium sponsor of Christy Dougherty, we have Mia Hansen, who we love. Mia, thank you so much for being a premium sponsor. That is so, so awesome and cool thank you we love you yeah we love you so much and i love that you have three names and one of them is aloha

mia hansen aloha everyone give a special aloha to mia hansen aloha let's get on with this show being all right let's open up the crap. I'm staring at a spider web on my ceiling and wonder why that spider's not talking to me like Charlotte. Nothing works out like the books. That means it's time to start the show. Oh, I thought I meant. Wow, look at that spider web. I thought I meant that we should leave a message and someone will call you back. A little No Doubt reference from 20 years ago, everyone.

Hello. Unlikely story. But leave a message. I'll call you back. Crappin's Mailbag. I love the Crappin's Mailbag. And this week, what do we have in it? Of course, why would I ever actually have it open when it's time to do the segment?

How about this question from Oliver Haskins? Well, hello, Oliver. I pronounce it Olivier myself. I don't know why. It doesn't make sense with the spelling, but it's how I prefer it. You can do it. Olivier, I call him Olivier Haskins. Leave the H off.

Make it more French. He says, Kelsey Ballerini is the unexpected breakout star of Southern Charm. This is actually true. Does this mean that Stumblebums, the band... I can't even. I can't even with this question. He says, Does this mean that Stumblebums, the band at Luann's holiday party two seasons ago

that sang Fuck You you in the ass, as a chance. How he even pulled out Stumblebums, who I had totally forgotten about, is amazing. I think, yes, if Kelsey Ballerini can now become a legitimate country star,

which she is, then Stumblebums, yes, there is a future for you. So I take it that we're just going to ignore the actual housewife on that show who's the breakout music star i don't know if any of you remember rock and roll sushi or wherever the hell where were they eating when luann's like it's sushi but it's also karaoke i perform here sometimes it was called like like marimba sushi or something like that something that didn't make any sense. And like David Guest's ghost was the host.

He's like, hello, welcome. Welcome to rock and roll neighborhood Arizona sushi times. She's like, oh, get the band warmed up. He's like spinning a record player. All right, let's do a Boston Overcover of Fuck You in the Ass by the Stumblebums. Three, two, one. Fuck you in the ass. Fuck you in the ass.

Like, would you believe it? I'm getting married. And then fucked in the ass by the stumble bums three two one fuck you in the ass fuck you in the ass like would you believe it i'm getting married and then fucked in the ass fucked in the ass a la francais chic c'est la vie chic c'est la fucked in the ass would you believe it rude raise in the back that's just how raised here raise in the back you know it's funny actually when ronnie and I were hanging out yesterday, after Shake Shack, we were watching this video from SNL from a few years ago where Fred Armisen played a character named Riley,

who was like an old theater queen, but like an eight-year-old boy. And it occurred to me when he was doing that afterwards, after I dropped you off, that Riley is basically Ray, being like, oh, shut up, bitch!

Yeah. Like, welcome over for dinner, man he's like you're rude dinner who you're trash to go anywhere you're trash what else in that bag boy so thank you oliver for that stumble bums call back um elise elise hayes says hi guys hello elise that's all she says. Thanks, Elise. No, just kidding. She says, hi, guys. I would love to hear the Alexia News Network's election coverage. If anyone could rationalize the candidate's behavior, she could.

Okay. Wait, let's get a little background because it's been a little while since Alexia has even been, you know, like Miami's been on. The Alexia News Network stems from a joke that we made when real housewives of miami was on alexia was a housewife and she would i think it was that she would always be like bursting in with like gossip like oh well you know you know this is what i heard oh well this is what i heard that's the origin right yeah pretty much and also her son was always getting into trouble and she would be making excuses for him at all times. Like the son beat up a cab driver or something.

Well, you know, he didn't hit him. He hit the car. Oh, well, you know, Peter, he's frustrated. He's an artist. You know, that's how he does it. Sometimes people are in the streets, you know, and sometimes cars are in the streets. You know, well, Peter, he didn't know. For all he knew, that was a homeless person he hit.

You know, you shouldn't be in the street if you don't want to get hit. And by the way, we really should have a special crap and super fight between Leanne and Peter because they both attack moving vehicles. Trolley versus taxi. That's true. Nobody's going to want the housewives to film on their streets because they're going to be worried about the transportation. It's a new safety law. No housewives are allowed to film on their streets because they're going to be worried about the transportation yeah it's a new safety law no housewives are allowed to film in streets yeah um and cameras were there for both instances okay so um what is the alexia news network's election coverage oh well you know

donald trump like he he only wants to help you know when he grabs you by the pussy it's only because you need to move out of the way you you are probably standing in a street and you know when he grabs you by the pussy it's only because you need to move out of the way you you are probably standing in a street and you know what can happen in a street you know he grabs you by the pussy moves you out of the street you know maybe he's saving lives oh well you know oh well you know donald you know he's an artist you know so like you know they they say he's done all these like sexual things but like you know they're not attractive when he says they're not attractive enough it's true like he's an artist like he looks for beauty that's like his thing so like he's not just gonna grope someone who's ugly because that's like not his art so like i understand now yeah she's going before the judge she could just be like i'm so sorry that my son oh well you know peter he hit a car but

you know it was in a wiki leak and he was trying to read it and he fell over you know and hit car. It wasn't his fault. It was just so surprising. Oh, well, you know Hillary. She has so many emails. It's hard. She can't keep track of all the emails.

Sometimes she sends email to spam, and spam is delicious. Everyone likes spam. Sometimes people go into the spam and find an email, and that's just what Hillary does. She's like an artist. She just loves to to rap one time i had a breast that leaked oh you know that was terrible so i can only imagine i can only imagine what hillary must feel with her wiki no one wants a leaky wiki oh well you know donald you know he's very like a man of the world so like he loves russia but he loves, like, other countries. So, like, I don't see the big deal. Like, because Russia is, like, beautiful and, like, they just, like, love people.

And so, like, Putin, you know, like, Putin, like, he's like Putin on the Ritz. So, like, that's why he, I like Putin, too. So, like, he's fancy. He likes gold. The first young nerd in America. Putin on the Ritz. So bad. Like, I like crackers and I like being fancy.

So, I'm always going to put in things on the ritz okay so like i get it like so donald like you that's that's fine that's like his life so you know ever since frankie you know it's like donald has to go to crackers of course donald loves crackers the best even in alexia world, sticking up for everybody. I would love it. By the way, if someone could track down the actual origins of the Alexia News Network, I would love that. No, just because that way I feel – Like it's this podcast called Watch It Crapping. No, because there are some people – we had some listeners.

Some people recently have told us like, I just found your podcast. I've spent the past two months listening to every single episode. some so for some people it's super fresh for us it was like four years ago three years ago you know it was a long time ago yeah um what does this make what what let's make closing sound for the mailbag oh Oh, well, you know, mailbags, like, you know, it's like, you know, rain or snow or like sunshine. Like, you know, they have to like, the mail has to come. But like, sometimes like I'm at the beach and like, I just need like a break from venue magazines. So like, we're gonna close the mailbag.

I think the new mailbag closing should be one of Peter's songs you know like mailbag mailbag n-word n-word

n-word mailbag mailbag n-word like that's like just like the way he deals with

like his father who's like he's like a criminal but like Peter looks up to him because Peter wants to be a criminal but that's because

he's like an artist it's like a persona you know it's like what he becomes for like his music and like I get that and I support it. You know?

It's good to be entrepreneur. You know, sometimes when you're trying to build your business, you have to find a homeless man and punch him in the nuts. That's all. It went viral. He is actually a viral superstar and I'm really very happy about him. He's getting national coverage

and like i am so proud like he is doing so well his father in jail would be so proud oh god homeless video beating up youtube star uh i'd love a good uh a good run on something that happened three years ago stumble bombs alexia it's all it's just all happening right now all happening it's all happening so before we go on let me just say something that when it comes to magazines you know what you like and with texture you can get all the magazines you want in one super convenient place the texture app lets you tap into the world's most popular magazines anytime anywhere using your smartphone or tablet breeze through hundreds of your favorite magazines, including back issues, and pick the articles that interest you the most. Texture has made it easy to find articles you care about. You know, we don't

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The best part? Texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash crappens. You'll gain immediate entry to all the top magazines, including back issues and bonus video content. Start binge reading for free right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins. That's texture.com slash crappins. Well, what would you like to do first today, Benj? Well, here's what I would like to do.

I would like to put on my life vest and set sail in the Caribbean. But without sails and on a boat. Would you like to go below dick and have a little makey lovey time in the below dicks of the dicks of below? Let's go below dick, alright? Let's get drunk and leave pizza everywhere like Hansel and Gretel. Like a fat American Hansel and Gretel to come find us. Yeah. The low deck has really showed us what love can do to people,

make them so happy. I mean, Kate has been just nonstop smiling, which is still weird for me. Well, yes, but I feel like this was the episode where Kate's like, wait a second, this is not my natural state. I have to go back. I have to do something really bitchy. Yeah, she's like, wait a second. This is not my natural state. I have to go back. I have to do something really bitchy. She's like, does anybody else's mouth hurt?

Is it in the air? I feel like I've been working out, but with my mouth. It's your smile. She's like, oh, is that what that is? She's like, wait a second. I just realized I haven't been mean to you guys yet. I'm not used to feeling so much air on my teeth. It's giving me a headache.

I think I've been around Sierra too long. Yeah, this is where everybody's love started not to matter at all anymore, and they just started getting sloppy and irritating. This was a turning point of the season because the rest of the season looks really, really good. Yeah, it's funny because the past three episodes, things have been sort of sweet. Like the angle on Below Deck

has been love triangles, love rhombuses, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm asking you on a date. It's all sweet. And I'm like, this is nice and all but we want to see you guys yelling at each other under stress. So it looks like we're heading in that direction. Luckily, Captain Lee has been keeping up the slack. Like the happier the crew is, the angrier Captain Lee has gotten. So he's been prickly, which has been nice.

And by the way, I have to say, there's a guy in my building who I really feel like is Captain Lee's long lost brother. They have the same voice. They have that same stern scariness. And I think he hates me. And so I really feel like he's Captain Lee, but, but love was still in the air.

However, the love was coming mainly from Steve Hoger, the charter and the hot beefcake charter and his silly fiance. And the episode opens with Steve taking pictures of his fiance with the ring. Like, you know, those like, like we just got engaged thing. So she holds up her hand. And again, I have to reiterate what I said last episode. What a terrible time to have mustard nails.

Terrible, terrible time. Yeah, because it makes people think, well, you're not going to have ketchup nails terrible terrible time yeah because it makes people think well you're not gonna have ketchup too that's weird and then it just makes you think of how single she is you know it looks like she just gutted tweety bird clawed him to death i did like that it's almost like she knew what you were thinking because yeah she was embarrassed it opened with her like are you sure that's yellow it's like how my nails because it's kind of bougie like it feels bougie and she's like i don't know what that is but you're hot i'm gonna be sweating on you for the rest of our lives she's like i think i think she was not saying about the yellow i think she was she thought it was bougie to take the picture with her hand up to her face showing off the ring oh yeah i think the

yellow i don't think highlighter colored nails are you know something all the rich and famous are doing damn it gina get out of my brain real housewives of melbourne yeah it was just like you know i understand it like when she was engaged when she was proposed to she was caught off guard but it's like the next day girl get some acetone or something you got to wipe that off you're going to start taking pictures of that ring you can't have those yellow nails out so ben is nervous around emily his new love and he is doing this thing where he is walking sideways if that okay i don't know how to explain it it's like he is lifting one of his hips and walking like he has uneven legs. Does that make sense? Like a cartoon cowboy.

Like the cowboy in the beginning of the City Slickers opening credits. Going sideways, left and right, around the words. Yeah, it's really weird. I'm not sure if it's just boner. I don't know. Why would he start walking that way? Well, because I'm British and I don't want to be too forward, so I literally will not walk forward, only sideways.

I'm blown sideways through life with my love for you, darling. Honey pie, suck off. So Captain is still all up in Kelly's business, just about every little thing. I think because it's really difficult when you're trying to get people to listen to you and you see somebody who's just so hot. I mean, that's how I would feel. I'd be like, how is anybody supposed to listen to my orders when you're standing there so hotly? Please be like, Kelly, you can be hot in the summer and you can be hot in the fall don't be hot on my time this is captain season now i love the way you just said hot in his voice

i can't do it also can we please give a hug this is a spirit hug to the captain girl your bangs love what you're doing with your bangs. He's doing like this comb forward. He's giving himself bangs. They're hair sprayed and combed. And I say, you go, bitch. He has like an invisible mullet, essentially. It's like based on the front of his face, you would think he has a full mullet. But then there's no mullet to be had.

He's like, business in the front? Anyway. I'm going to business in the front? Anyway. I put a party in the back, but it's not gonna happen. Not on my watch. Alright. I got rid of the party in the back because I found a piece of pizza on the top of my hat. Half-eaten pizza? I don't think so.

No more party. He would cut it. He would end the the party the back of his head for sure wow i almost had a mullet and i had to say you'll watch it back there you got time to lean you got time to clean get me mullet receded right back up into my neck hair somewhere on the yacht there's a patch of hair that's cleaning a window. All right. What you do is no more partying, clean the windows, and if I see that goddamn pool in the way of the goddamn Tinder one more time,

you get a one-way trip back to Supercuts. He's telling Kelly. I knew you felt bad about that inflatable pool thing because I saw your face. Your face was that of a hot person who was very confused. It was like a hot person who had to do math. It's like a hot person who just ate a whole bunch of carbs. Strange feelings. Trying to understand where you're coming from here, but frankly, I love Wonder Bread. Not giving it up. that's what I say.

Now let me tell you something, Kelly. Next time I see a goddamn seagull on top of this yacht, your ass is in the water, okay? You gotta be proactive. He's basically telling him, you gotta take responsibility. Your crew's looking to you, and they're not gonna be your friends.

Now, they can be your bottoms, occasionally, as long as it's kept in your own crew rooms and i don't have to look at it but they're not going to be your friends look at my bangs for example i don't talk to them they look gorgeous they're always here i pretend they're not now here's what you should have done you should have been proactive and complimented my bangs a minute ago, because let me tell you something. 30 seconds from now is too goddamn late. I could cut off my bangs, and you would never know what's going to happen. These chola bangs didn't come themselves, Kelly. I don't want you to compliment my bangs after I've told you to.

I want you to take the initiative to do it when I didn't tell you to. Okay, your bangs. I like this. Let's initiative. To do it when I didn't tell you to. Okay. Your bangs. I like this. Let's just make the whole episode. About the captain's bangs. I'm totally down.

That's probably why the Titanic. Hit the iceberg. Because. Because 1909. Captain Lee was like. All right. Everyone. Let's talk about my bangs.

But sir. I think there's something coming. Now. Now. Don't worry about what's coming out. In the water. Let's talk about my bangs. But, sir, I think there's something coming... No, no. Don't worry about what's coming out in the water. Let's talk about the bangs. That girl was looking so closely at my bangs, she dropped a piece of pizza into the steering wheel.

Now I can't move the damn boat. Hey, get your ass off the bow of the boat. I don't care if you're the captain of the world or the captain of my underpants. You get out of there. Look, we're possibly all gonna die. I need someone to make sure Kathy Bates makes it out alive. Love that woman. What a sexy

lady. Kelly, let me tell you something. You're lucky I don't rip your goddamn head off with you painting pictures of the guests downstairs nude. That's ridiculous. You better consider yourself lucky I don't have Kathy Bates down there.

Cut your leg off, Cal. Now, what the hell happened to that nice necklace that old lady was wearing? So, Kate is doing her Kate is doing her matchmaker her matchmaker stuff again. But now it's like getting forceful. And Ben's dancing around the kitchen.

He's like... He's all happy. It's so uncomfortable. I have to say something about what Ben is doing here real quickly just to interrupt. He was making French toast, I believe. And he was using Aunt Jemima. Now, like a few years ago on the Banter Blender, I made a commentary about using Aunt Jemima for something. And I remember Lisa Timmons was like, Ben, you're crazy.

Because I was like, you have to use pure maple syrup. And Lisa was like, Ben, you're really privileged. But then I would actually, I'm going to bring it back, though. Because if you're on a yacht, you can't be using Aunt Jemima. You've got to use real maple syrup. I mean, you would think, but – But then again, it is Steve Hooger and crew. I understand the power of Aunt Jemima, okay?

She's got a power. She's like, you want to pull me on something, don't you? Listen, she's delicious. She's like, you want to pull me on something, don't you? Listen, she's delicious. She's delicious, but I kind of feel like if you're on a yacht, you should be doing Vermont maple syrup. But then again, this is also, these are guests who have Tweety Bird nails. So, okay.

Anyway, that was my little thing. What the hell was that? It looked like giant scallops. Yeah, well, it looked like he had done them in the oven or something. He probably had soaked them and then put them in the oven so we cooked them all at once rather than having to do them like one at a time in the pan yeah the um i just i'm sorry everyone i just railed the podcast i did it you didn't you didn't i'm kind of we're already kooky and i was just i was really thinking about syrup well you know it's just like one of those things when I saw it, I was like, wait, I have to comment on this.

I have to comment on the fact that he's using cheap fake syrup on a yacht. It just felt so wrong to me. Well, I have these food kicks where I get obsessed with things. There was Snickers for a while. Then there was Cap'n Crunch cereal, which I loved for a while. And I was going on a brioche French toast thing. And so I was making it all the time. And let me tell you something, guys.

The price of syrup in this country. It's ridiculous. I think that if the captain ran for president, he should try and change the price of syrup. Because it is ridiculous. $9 fruit. Some corn syrup, flavored crap. No, no, no.

The real stuff is real. And you can tell. There is actually a significant difference. And again, Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth, those are all really delicious in their own right.

But the real thing is special. Of course, it's much cheaper in the Northeast because it's closer to Vermont. But however, pro tip, you can go to Costco and you spend like $18 or something and you get a nice jug of pure maple syrup.

It's not quite as good as like, you know, some of the other brands of maple syrup, but it is pure and it's a lot. And that's a good value. So if you're going to get pure maple syrup, get it from Costco. Well, there you go. Sorry, Aunt Jemima. Sorry that Ben just threw you under the bus, which is something that's said a lot in this episode. I put her into a log cabin and burned it down. Ben just that ben just threw you under the bus which is something that said a lot in this episode i put her into a log cabin burned it down the bus listen i had it had to be said it didn't it didn't though it did i had so i i had i could

not let it go unspoken if we're're going to talk about the bangs, we're talking about the syrup. Well, it's not just Aunt Jemima you're hurting. It's also Uncle Jemima, who's very old and can no longer work. So thank you for breaking them. Wait, are you implying that Jemima is actually her last name? Well, no, but that's how we're doing things today. Because on Reza, he'sza yeah what about mr wandra what's what's funny is that i knew exactly exactly that's where my mind went also when

you said this uncle jemima you see guys it sounds like a big nonsensical mess but at the end it all ties up yes so anyway you were saying sausage. So you want to see how the sausage is made? You better get to work. Okay, so Ben and Emily are flirting and talking and being very British and shy in their romance. Kate's like, your job today is to stay in the kitchen and keep this creepy, limping, smiling person inside. Okay?

She's like, well, I'm rather keen on him, but however, I'm not sure about that syrup he's using. I love their awkward British flirting. She's like, oh, hello there. It's... Hello there. Good morning. He's like, well,

it was morning, and now it's a different time of day. Time moves along, eh? It does, doesn't it? Isn't it amazing? Have you been to Crudgington Tower for Trapsha? No. Oh, that's a pity.

Hey, you two, don't write your own vows, okay? Let's leave that up to somebody else. I quite like you. I quite like you as well. You're very polite. It's on the G. You are now married. Could you make me some Bedfordshire clanger?

Thank you. This tea is just right. I've been looking for a man who can make tea that is just right, and I found him. It was worth the wait. He makes the most delicious rumble-de-thumps I've ever had.

It's time for the slide. No, not the electric slide. We're in the middle of the ocean. What are you, trying to kill people? Get your... Unplug that goddamn slide. You're going to kill everyone on board. I need a more safe dance. Safer dance alert.

Let me tell you something. You can't do it because it is electric. Boogie woogie bullshit. So they're obsessed with the slide. And basically, it's just some blow up thing that you're off the side of the boat. It's like, yeah, it's really hard, guys. This was totally worth crying for over three episodes.

So, Nico is starting to show his attitude. He's like, got this face. He gets like Sheena face when he talks. Well, her old face when it moved. He's like, Captain has it out for the deck crew. He's staring at me.

He's just like staring at me, which he was. He's like, man, you guys put down that slide. There it goes. Putting it over the edge. You're putting it over the edge. Okay, that's what you're supposed to do. Put it over the edge. All right.

You want a dollar every time you do something right? Meanwhile, inside, Sierra is talking about how she thinks that frankie who's like steve's i think brother or buddy is cute frankie is like the trollish looking one and she thinks he's cute so you know he has a job you know i don't you're gonna be ironing forever i don't know if this is like a great moment it's just like see even if you are like the the ugly one next to like handsome steve you still get the hot girl or if this is just sad for for mankind that that frankie is the hot one now i think frankie is rich basically it's just like he's so cute i'm sure only rich guys would get that reaction from girls like sierra and it's so

romantic because if they ever do fall for each other and he watches this back she's like i don't care if they're disgusting in their face is she she just probably overheard him talking with steve about juicing and she totally misconstrued it oh they like to juice frank said he wants to grab me by the juicy they're like no no that's not what he said oh she's like i don't understand anything that's said she's like i've had the biggest crush on the kool-aid man god is there anything sexier than a man breaking through a wall made of juice wow i just want to squeeze him hug him and call him kool-aid man so sierra has been texting which we saw in her bedroom that she was texting some dude on valentine's day and she's like we just met but a guy that texts you on valentine's day

is really into you yeah also a guy who's like totally desperate and doesn't even have another date. And so he's trolling through his old text. Probably 20 girls from Tinder got that text that day. She probably just got like a delivery notice from Amazon. Your box has been delivered. Oh my god, thank you. On Valentine's Day? That's so sweet. They're like,

do not reply to this. Oh, he's playing hard to get. Do not reply to this. Blue Apron has been texting me on Valentine's Day. They're really into me. So anyway, so then there's like a thing with golfing. Steve is, I'm really finding Steve very hot. Like at one point, Kelly finds Steve in the hallway. It's like, hey, bro, you want to go golfing?

He's like, yeah. And I'm just like, yeah, bro. Steve, you're so hot. Those two gigantic men in that in the hallway. He's like, hey, bro, you want to go golfing? He's like, yeah. I'm just like, yeah, bro. Steve, you're so hot. Those two gigantic men in that tiny little hallway. I was like, this needs to last longer. Can this just be an episode? Kelly loved that. He's like, yeah, bro.

That's it. That's all I need. One would think that golfing would go off without a hitch, but then Kelly starts setting up the little putting green in one part of the boat, and Captain Lee is like, Get that goddamn green to the front of the boat. Do I have to micromanage every single little thing? It's getting tiresome. I gotta plan everything that happens on this boat. All right, here's an activity. Don't fuck up. How about that? Let's write that down on a list, guys. Is this a yacht or goddamn pebble beach?

God damn it. And Doocy asked Steve, yeah, if I chip the boat, it's like $10,000 a chip, right? But I loved also that Kelly totally had a teenage moment when he's like, hey, can I hit one of the balls?

And Kelly's like, no. But I play golf! No! They even had to ask me. That's one of the biggest disappointments of my career. Okay, so they are, let me see.

This episode was like all over. There were very short scenes so it was um they are skipping around they're gonna do an elvis party so the the girls are planning that and the dinner is being prepped and so mom is getting her liza hair on that was amazing gave us mom liza hair shot that was really good they gave us it was like a little bit more extended i was gonna do a boomerang of it but i just didn't get around to it. But yeah, it was extended. Mom, mom, primping, getting that Liza hair all special, all ready for tonight. Because Kate had this wonderful idea of making Kelly a Chippendale dancer for the Vegas party.

So for Kate, we want to say thank you. Yeah, nice work. So Kelly and Emily, they're all getting ready for this party like putting on their costumes and she's tying his tie and she's like look at you with a tie like a good little man with wonderful manners oh isn't that adorable as she laughs and he's trying really hard to like make eye contact with her and make this a love moment because she's so close to his face. And she's not looking at him at all. So she changes angles and then he changes his overly intense, creepy stare.

It was so cute and sad all at the same time. I know. I don't understand the women on this boat this season. Between Sierra liking Frankie and Emily liking Ben instead of Kelly. I don't get it. the women on on this on this boat this season between sierra liking frankie and emily liking ben instead of kelly i don't get it but you know the heart wants what the heart wants well some people just don't like protein that much and also we're gay men and gay men have a totally different set of like standards of what we're attracted to i think that women are like i think women generally um are less superficial than men are and so they they are they're willing to find someone like ben the cook

really sexy whereas we're like oh kelly has abs he's the sexy one yeah if we sent the dick pic to emily kelly's dick pic she would be like do you have his Amazon Kindle reading list by any chance? So I can really get it on. Oh, you know, he has a big dick, but Ben knows who Charlotte Bronte is. So, tough call. I prefer men into Moby Dick. Other men with Moby Dicks. The whale, the whale, the whale the whale the whale okay so they're telling some awkward dinner story upstairs um the fiance is this the fiance oh god yeah she's like well steve was like okay i'm gonna get your

ring i'll get you like a two carat and i was like like, how about a four carat? And he's like, how about we settle for four carats? It's like, you're an idiot. Yeah, her exact quote, because it was so awful. She's like, I want to eat carats.

And he was like, yeah, three is my max. And I was like, I'll compromise and give you four. And they're like, ha, ha,

ha, ha, ha, ha. Gross. Yeah. How about you get some nails? Clean your nails.

You can get a manicure for 20 damn dollars okay listen listen bitch don't go onto bravo tv with yellow nails when you know gay men are watching okay you better know what you're getting into um and then the editor sent us a gift which is kelly shirtless in his tie doing backwards push-ups off the side of his bed. Thank you. Don't have anything to say about that. Well, yeah. And then it was like time for the dance party,

which was very special because they afforded Kate the chance to put crystals out on a table for a second time that evening. Crystal. And she had Nico as Elvis, which was really funny because he's nothing like Elvis, but you know, he did come out in the time where shading wasn't perfected yet. So that kind of makes sense. You can pull this off.

No one really got a solid black shading in the 50s. I like also, at one point, somewhere in the middle of this, Kate is talking to Emily about love, etc. And she's talking about Kelly, I guess, or maybe Emily was is talking to emily about like love etc and she's talking about kelly i guess or maybe emily was probably talking to kate about kelly etc and how kelly is crushing etc and uh i just love that case like well it's never going to happen with kelly and you right never i was like oh kate is getting she's like she wants the confirmation so that way she can go and break kelly's heart as soon as possible you can just see she was just getting so excited it's like just be honest kelly's you're not kelly's not

gonna wake up in your little bed and breakfast dream yeah right can we just get a confirmation that kelly is completely out of the picture i just want to know before i go and devastate him thanks so much here's some crystals. And Emily's like, I feel quite bad for Kelly. He's a lovely man. Kate's like, cut the cord. Okay, just cut the cord. It's a little baby. At this point, it's going to die if you don't just cut the cord and let it

fall to the ground and start crying. Because that's how babies get the grossness out of their throats. So, cut the cord. Just treat him like a piece of half-eaten pizza and just leave him on the floor. Do you want Kelly to go on in life having a belly button? Then you're going to need to cut the cord. Cut it.

Don't keep him from a life of belly button, okay? We're already seeing how that's working out on Bravo. So then it's the next morning. And so it's the next morning and so it's the typical like morning montage of things the fiance is sitting there talking about how excited she is to plan the wedding the anchor's coming up there's anchor drama anchor going up anchor up anchor is up and um then we learn about kyle kyle tells us he left home when he was 15, because he didn't like his family, and then was basically homeless. And then he was like, was he like an entertainer?

Was he like a busker or something like that? My family don't give a fuck about me. I was eight when I was five years old. I joined the army. I was under a bench and became a street performer. I was homeless in London. I asked for a scallywag with a couple of juggle juggles.

I don't know quite what you're saying, I was homeless in London. Asked for a scallywag with a couple of juggle juggles. And you're like, okay. It's like, I don't know quite what you're saying, except that you're homeless and dated a girl with a good job. I mean, that's amazing. The fact that someone who is wealthy could actually be interested in you means that you are therefore interesting. That story was really weird, right? It's like in a jiggies.

I dated a girl. She was a head of finance. won't set me up monday and then she left me for a rich south african what a girl eh i was like uh she left her homeless boyfriend yes who would have thought what a terrible person yeah the the guy who impregnates women underneath a garbage bin in Trafalgar Square is someone she did not want to pursue a relationship with. Who would have thought? It's basically the one woman or the one person on Bravo with some kind of self-respect. She's like, I'm actually trading up from my homeless boyfriend. Congratulations.

You've won Bravo. The network can now shut down. Yeah. But Kyle's kind of hilarious because he's living this dickensian lifestyle and he's also exactly that guy in like the rom-coms from the 90s who is the scalawag he's the guy who is homeless um he's essentially andy garcia in the movie hero who gets cleaned up and then because he talks with such honesty that like he wins over the woman you know uh it was like a real rom-com character come to life with a dislocated shoulder i think of him more as the down and out in beverly hills kind of nick nolte kind of homeless person like same thing the dog food

off the ground but bet middler would still fuck him and richard dreyfuss gets mad. And his higher empire goes down to shit. So let's see here. Kate's like, oh my god, I love homeless people. This is going to be perfect. I love people who don't apologize for who they are. Unless they're like little mermaids who are too old to be wearing those clothes. And are desperate for attention. Or if they only know how to make lamb cheeks.

So Kate wants Ciara to give Kyle a chance now. She's like, he is a real life British Ryan Gosling. He's like a homeless Ryan Gosling that can also juggle. He's like a homeless Ryan Gosling that doesn't look like Ryan Gosling

but can juggle and speaks British and is homeless and does not have the same charm. Sierra's like, yeah, you know, I wanted a change, but I don't want to give away my change. So I'm going to stick with Frank, the hairy-backed guy with the job.

Thanks for your advice. She's like, I'm more interested in what's... I'm less interested in what's... I can't even speak Sierra speak. She's like, I'm more interested in what's between a guy's ears than what's between his head and his knees. I'm like, you realize that what's between the head and the knees includes what's between the ears, but that's fine. Yeah, I liked her little moment of anatomy there. That's her heart. So everybody's going to go out and get wasted yeah um but first

is the tip meeting where i guess they get a good tip i don't know i didn't pay attention to that part but i like that nobody has told poor kelly that ben and emily are on and of course you can't read it because they're both so british you know like yeah they're both so vaginally and penially British that no one can tell. And so poor Kelly. Emily's like, I don't think Kelly knows because he's lounging on me. Yeah, because Emily gets into the banquette. And then Kelly comes in after and lounges on her. And she's trying to get away from him.

And she is fully squeezed up against whoever she was next to. And then Ben goes and sits next to Kelly. And then Ben and Emily are looking straightforward. Like they're at the end of The Graduate. And Kelly has no idea what's going on. They're like, let us get out of this awkward situation by being cold and steely and British. So the captain gives Kelly some more shit. He's like, well, interior did great.

Exterior had a couple of hiccups and kelly's like i'm just gonna like stay calm right now and not kick the shit out of him because he's the captain so so date prep uh the kyle and sierra are gonna go on their fishing date. And you know it's not going to work because she's wearing like Hawaii camo jumpsuit. Not cute. Yeah. And he starts with jorts and thankfully changes into a bright pink shirt

with like some little khaki shorts, which is cute. And he has a good outlook. He's like, I like fishing. I like nice women. So either way, I'm winning. Either way, someone's getting some head. This little hook here is going to,

because I'm going to cut a fish head off on my first date with Sierra. I was like, who does this on the first date? He's like, here's how to cut off a smaller fish's head to feed to a bigger fish. And when they're sitting on the fishing boat, they're sitting on either side of the gut sink, where you clean the fish, you gut the fish. This is so romantic. He literally took the expression chummy to a different level.

He's like, well, I want you to be my chum. So therefore, we're going to put some chum in between us. Please sit in the sink so I don't have to clean the floor after. You know what's a great song? Fish heads, fish heads, lovey dovey fish heads. Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum. What do you think about that?

She's like, this is awesome. I'm on Tinder right now. So she's texting. She is. She's on her phone. She's so not into it. Talk about cold fish. Wow.

She is cold. And I actually loved it because Sierra has been so, hi. Yeah. She's been so sweet. And now she's like, oh, wait. Now we see real Sierraierra bitchy sierra where she's on a date that she doesn't want to go on to and she was so cold yeah she really was she was just texting the whole time and then i i love that she's consistently stupid she goes it's making me

uncomfortable that he's being so consistent in his flirting she's like i really like when people flirt in different manners that i can't figure out i really don't like people who are inconsistent in their flirting inconsistent too um so then then then eventually she's like oh yeah i've been texting with like my boyfriend at home because he's like like, cause eventually he realized like, do you have someone at home? Let me guess. You have a guy at home. And she's like, yeah,

he's like, great. And then she's even colder. She's like, so I'm just going to go sit my wine over here by myself. I'll be upstairs. Far away from you. Yeah.

I'll be in a hot tub thinking about what I want to squeeze later. And it won't be you. Yeah. Probably a lemon, maybe a lemon. Not you. And by the end of this date she can't stand him so much that when they're getting off the boat and he offers

just his hand, she's like, oh, it's fine. I'm a boat person. Which is so condescending because obviously she's a boat person because they both work on a boat. And they met on a boat. As the boat explodes because she left something on inside. There's like an iron

shape on the side of the boat because she just left the iron on inside the boat. I was in the hot tub. I was practicing with the iron and I left it on. She's ironing a fish. I thought I'd cook the fish in the iron. Meanwhile, while all this is happening, Emily is talking to Lauren about the whole situation,

Lauren and Nico about Kelly, and how she's going to go on a date with Ben, and she hasn't told Kelly. And they're like, but what about Kelly? And she's like, well, you know, Kelly never asked me out. It's more just like, oh, you're going fishing? Oh, well, we'll go fishing too, right, Emily? Like, it wasn't a real date.

Fishing doesn't count. And I have to say, she's right. She's absolutely right. Kelly? Yeah, you can't get? Like it wasn't a real date. Fishing doesn't count. And I have to say she's right. She's absolutely right. Kelly? Yeah, you can't get it if you don't ask for it. You got to ask. You got to step up. You can't just do like, oh, yeah, we should do that too.

You got some ladies and some men like it when you step up to the plate, Kelly. It's a learning lesson. No one's going to come door to door offering lottery winnings, all right? You got to buy a ticket. You got to be proactive. Proactive. All right. What else happened?

We already did all this Vegas shit. So now they're going out, right? Yeah. So now this is the moment that Kate's been waiting for. Kate has been waiting for the perfect opportunity to break Kelly's heart. She just can't wait. She's not even being malicious. It's just like it just brings her such happiness, I think. So everyone's getting dressed,

because they're all going to go out, and Ben and Emily are going to go out on their date, and then everyone's going to meet up afterwards. And so Emily is like, oh, should I get Ben? What should I do? And so Kate's like, no, no, no, no. You should not get Ben. You just stay here. I'll go get Ben. So Kate, barely containing her excitement, goes down to Ben and Kelly's room. And Kate's like, Ben, your lady-in-waiting is in the main salon. And Kelly's like, lady? What lady? And Kate goes, Emily, they're going on a date.

Doink! And Kelly goes, oh. But she was just, she could not wait to drop that hammer. And and god bless her because I couldn't wait for it either he's like I thought we were bros and you're leaving me in the cold dark bro yeah I love when people get all bro-y especially with people like Ben

yes you were my bro bro but unfortunately I met a nice, lovely woman who understands the importance of lukewarm milk. You see, you did not go to boarding school with Prince Harry and Prince William also, so ultimately we never really were

bros, were we? But I'm not that kind of man. I'm not that kind of man, but I kind of am. So Kyle and Kelly. Commiserate. Oh, yeah. So Kelly's pissed, right? Yeah. So he's like, that guy, Ben, he gets a different girl every charter.

He goes through a girl every charter. Well, so could you. I mean, you could go through every girl every charter, okay? Yeah. You're hotter. You win. Well, there's something with Kelly and his sister. They don't seem to understand their own hotness,

which is why they're always the bridesmaid and never the bride. Which is why I love them. I love crippling insecurity. Starfish! Starfish! My brother can't get a girlfriend. Do you know a seahorse maybe for him? Sometimes loneliness is something that God gives you while he's waiting to send

someone who needs you to you jesus christ stop staring at the tequila bottle remember she would like wipe the she'd be like oh this tequila bottle needs my love and attention so i'm gonna give it to it stop wiping the bottle oh hey kelly you want to come have dinner with me and Starfish? Oh, Starfish, you're not coming to dinner? No? It's just going to be me? No, just me? You don't even want to come with me, Kelly?

Okay. That's fine. Okay, you can take Starfish. She's like left alone. Starfish is going on a date with Ben. Miss you, Amy. Come back. Come back to me, Kelly.

Yeah, so Kelly and Kyle are commiseratingating they're like angrily smoking cigarettes and kelly is basically saying to kyle you know that's fucked up you know she she had a you know a boyfriend and she told you and like it probably would have been nice if sierra told him but also kyle could have also picked up on a few vibes before the date even happened, which was that she wasn't interested. She tried to invite people onto the date. She didn't show much interest in people. I think people were even saying she wasn't that interested.

So like, sorry, but it does suck. Also, she doesn't have a boyfriend. She's just texting some dude and they're not together yet, but it was just obvious that Kelly was mad at his own situation, but he's like yeah

fuck chicks man yeah he was for hoes kristin yeah he was really it was basically misdirected anger he was upset because he thought he had something going with emily and emily all this time was interested in ben and so he was he was basically projecting that onto sierra um i mean sierra could have been like a little bit more gracious but i also understand she was she was bored she probably could have been up front and like listen i'm not interested in you romantically so let's just fish and have fun but well who needs advice like who needs to be yelled at for a date that doesn't even involve them it's like yeah why are you yelling at me you have nothing to do with any of this take care of of your own shit. Go yell at Ben. Well, so to be fair, I mean, Kelly was standing up for his – before he was talking to Sierra, he was just talking to Kyle and Lauren.

And he was like, yeah, that's fucked up. That's rude. She shouldn't have done that. That's rude. So then Lauren goes over to Sierra and is like, well, Kelly was saying that you were really rude and that you were really fucked up. over to Sierra and is like, well, Kelly was saying that you really read and that you were really fucked up. So then that's when

Sierra comes over and is like, Kelly, do you have something to say to me? But then that's when Kelly starts going after Sierra, which he should not have been doing. But to be fair, as he said later on, he was just expressing

his opinion to Kyle originally and that's it yeah but i think this he was basically saying everything he was mad about with his own absolutely you could have told him like you made him look stupid because you could have told him you know and then before you know it like i did push-ups on the back of my bed like i was doing backwards push-ups you know and then like ben was doing those push-ups, you know? And then Ben was doing those push-ups, and then suddenly you pick the guy with the pomade. Why would you do that? He's like, what are you talking about, mate? Yeah.

I will say this. Where Kelly went off the deep end, where it was clearly projected, when he was like, you're misleading Kyle. You're misleading Kyle. I was like, no, she was not. She never misled him at all. She never showed any interest whatsoever.

I mean, she smiled at him a lot, but she also smiles while she's cleaning toilets. Yeah. Like she smiles at, you know, dust bunnies. Yeah. She doesn't know any different. So while they're fighting, Ben and Emily are on the most boring British date of all time, where literally the conversation is like, well, you know, I feel that deal has a time and a place they ordered okay they're ordering is poor people ordering okay i know they're both like really fancy british people but whenever poor people and i'm saying this as a poor waiter so this is why i noticed

this pattern but poor people always order said scallopsops. And he's like, and I like the foie. I'm like, really? That's like so poor people fancy. They're like foie gras and the seared scallops. They just feel fancy saying that. But then the whole time they're like, wow, both of our dishes taste like boogers. I love scallops. But yeah, they were having a really boring chemistry free date that they were somehow

which somehow equates to chemistry in British culture I think because they were like a lovely day today saw a few interesting clouds up in the sky and it was lovely a little bit of a chill in the air but I think that passed once we got into that mid morning so I'd have to agree

it was quite nice I thought about putting on a light sweater but thought better of it I thought I'd be brave and you know was quite nice. I thought about putting on a light sweater, but I thought better of it. I thought I'd be brave, and you know, I think it worked out in the end. Yes, absolutely. Well, isn't this wonderful? They folded the napkins. Oh, it's quite a lovely fold.

What a lovely time with you I'm having. I find that when a napkin's folded, it sort of elevates the situation. Yes, I find that's very true. You know, nothing that I hate more than an unfolded napkin or a napkin that's folded like a seashell. I just find that to be rather... Oh no, there's seashells.

There's a time and a place for a seashell. That's not the time for it. May I offer you guys some dessert tonight? Well, I would like to end the meal as I always do with a nice, lukewarm cup of milk. Me as well.

What a coincidence. There's a time and a place for lukewarm milk. Yes, there is. That's what I always say. I'm like, oh my God, are they fucking on TV right now? It's basically like if you closed your eyes, it would be like them fucking right now. Would you care for some white asparagus? It's just out of season, but I think we still could find a few good stalks of it.

Oh, yes. You know what I like even more than white asparagus? Green asparagus. Oh, yes. Yes. It's classic. Isn't it amazing what a little pat of butter can do? Oh, that's what I always say.

You know what I rather like? A wafer. Oh, that's what I always say. You know what I rather like? A wafer. Oh, yes, I do enjoy a wafer. Although graham crackers are particularly delightful in an American sort of way. Meanwhile, all the drama's going on, and now Kate and Sierra are talking, and Kate's

just going to stay home. She's got her reading glasses, and she's got her FaceTime, and God knows what else. Like a little tube of ky well she has she has her glove she has her boss outfit on she's like okay there's a fight i'm putting glasses on putting my hair back and looking authoritative so she steps in and um and i i love that she she puts her hand uh she puts her hand on kelly in a way that just says you should be quiet right now dear i just love when someone can do that they can just silence you by putting their hand on you yeah she's like no now yeah um i'm half drunk by myself please go out this is mom's night and she's just like kelly it's really none of your business and then his response

oddly enough is it is because it's affecting my career what he said it's affecting my crew she's like um oh it's crew i thought he said career i was like how is sierra that is his career in a way but he's like my career is fucking ladies on boats i mean what the hell my yelp stars are going down no he was like it's affecting my crew like nico and lauren care like he's so cuckoo um sorry i was gonna say that i love that then kate kate tells sierra moments later she's like listen he's just jealous because he just found out Emily's going on a date with Ben very abruptly. I'm like, yeah, by you. She acts like it was some force of nature.

Like, listen, it was leaked. It was a WikiLeak. No one was expecting it. He didn't know. I was like, no. You went up and was like, oh, yeah, Ben's going on a date. She's that bird. She's that mama bird that pushes the baby bird out the nest and it breaks its neck

and she's like why did you jump it's like you pushed it out you pushed it out of the nest it is said now mother bird listen he just found out about the date very abruptly by me and i must admit i delivered that blow fantastically so let's have some wine because i did great work tonight all they really had to do was fly but he's apparently not ready so now his neck is broken well you know if he were a proper bird he would have flown but you know not everyone could be a proper bird so they get weeded out it's not my fault so kate was gonna stay home but now she's gonna go because i mean sierra's a mess she's like i've kept this girl ironing and cleaning toilets with a smile on her face this is not gonna go bad so she i think it's more like i think it's

more like it's not working or something i was gonna say it's more like if sierra stayed home kate knew that the yacht would burn down because the yacht would be an iron would be left on so she's like listen she can't be left alone on the boat on She's like, I just put all the baby gates down. I just took down the baby gates. I just can't be bothered to put them up. We just dismantled your crate. So I guess I'll be escorting you. We just took the plastic things on the corners of all the tables.

I can't be bothered to put them back on again. I'm not going to cover every electrical outlet again tonight. Okay, so now everybody's out and the guys are brawling. They're like, yeah! It's like drinking shots of Jaeger or something. Yeah.

It tastes like cough syrup and ass! And then back at the date she's like and jemima it was so refreshing for someone to verbally request my presence at a meal um so when ben ben's like oh we'll get the bill honey pie she's like oh it's like an evening at the pops it's so but her like crush her crush squeal is so cute when she giggles she's like oh yeah so then everyone's like drinking as you said so emily ben come to join the group. It's like, dun, dun, dun. What will happen when two very polite British people join the situation?

I know. And Lauren, who plays both sides of the fence at this point, is like, hey, yours is a little bitch pussy. Oh, I wrote that down. You made it British. Well, she's Australian, right? She's Australian. It's hard to switch back and forth. So when we do this show, you know, when Melbourne is on, we do our Australian accents badly.

And then when Cheshire is on, we do our Cheshire accents badly. So Below Deck is really hard because we have both a Cheshire accent and an Australian accent to contend with at the same time. And honestly, it's more than our tongues can deal with. Amen, sister. How third's that? That being said, Kyle then confronts Sierra about being hurt, and he's like, You know, you could have told me,

I get it, you have a bloke at home, but, you know, it really hurt me. I thought I'd best of luck to you, I'll have a drink. I'll knock you out in a bin, shit. And so her. fish and chips and something like that, Queen Victoria. So, I didn't even really understand this. These guys are acting like little bitches and telling off some girl for texting someone.

I'm sure. So, she's basically, of course, a baby. So, she goes to the group and says, I just don't understand why everybody is so mad at me. And Ben and Emily are still being all romantic over there. He's like, can you feel the precipitation in the air? She's like, I'm quite calm. This is fascinating.

Let's go have some lucky tatties. fascinating let's go have some lucky tatties which is kyle so romantic when he told when he told emily or sierra he's like what all i want sir is you hurt my feelings what you just said because but honestly i feel like the sun shines out of your ass no i was like which is actually a compliment yeah it's like i feel sun shines out of your ass i really like yeah let's just call the day and move on with the loves and they're playing like this romantic music like he just said something poetic yeah and he goes well i feel better and nico's like this is too many emotions'm like, you cried for three days about tattoo shading. So the best part is that Sierra and Kyle hug,

and they're just like, whatever, we'll just be friends. And Kyle's like, well, you know, she's a beautiful woman, but, you know, she's a liar. I'll never trust her again. If she comes crawling back to my door, shut the door on her face, she'll be locked. All right, nice to her, but it's a woman. I'm like, listen, she was not a liar to you, okay? Like, should she have been more explicit?

Probably. Could she have, you know, that probably would have been helpful. Was it rude of her to text on the date and get away from you? Yeah, it was. But then again, i think we've all been on dates where someone's like coming on hot and heavy and you're like trapped and you just can't get out of it so you just sort of don't know what to do except to sort of be cold because you say if you say listen i'm not interested romantically it's just going to be awkward

anyway so honestly i get why he's hurt but he he also, that's like, the punishment doesn't really fit the crime, if you ask me. Yeah, just be a man. Man up. Man up. And this is coming from a very womanly man. Yeah. And if she comes crawling back to you and is interested, well, then just, like, have some fun. Yeah.

So, it's ridiculous. So, the guy, Nico's like, I don't like emotions. Let's go back to the boat. So, the guys and Lauren are like, yeah, let's party at the boat, man. Which, I mean, have these people seen this show before? You can't just go party at the boat. And they're going upstairs by the captain's quarters. And importantly, they're making grilled cheese first and foremost.

Oh, is that what they were doing? I thought she had a box of pizza or something. Well, no. First, so it's a few things are happening. When they first show up, they are making grilled cheese in the panini press. And they've also brought a box of pizza into the yacht. They have like a box of pizza and there's a grilled cheese that they're making.

They're doing a lot of cheesy things happening. And while this is happening, it's intercut with Captain Lee strolling back to the yacht with either Barry or Larry. And they're in full Tommy Bahama mode, which was crazy. Yeah, those guys. I mean, that captain got a lap dance. He had his shirt. It was like Larry from Three's Company.

It was shiny and flowery, and it was buttoned down. It was down to his mid-chest. three's company it was like shiny flowery and it was buttoned down you know yeah it was like down to his mid chest i was like rawr now we know why you got those bangs boy but i also it was funny to me because i always assumed that when the crew goes out and drinks i just always assume captain lee just hangs out in his room i never thought of him actually leaving the boat and it's like oh so captain lee goes and hangs out with barry and larry and they go into town that's so so that like blows my mind that's so perfect it's hot and i feel like they'll be at places and aren't serving gager shots you know i'm on his side i'm on his side they like talk about things like marlin and like fishing and they should have gone on the date with kyle

so lauren who's already been in trouble and like totally cried and wussed out about it is now like flinging pizza yeah yeah i mean she's just wasted so she dropped some pizza and nobody picks it up i mean people go up and down those stairs all the time did they learn nothing from sushi gate last week yes and it's not like these are just people staying at your house who are being rude. These are maids. It's like when your maid eats on the couch. You're like, you're my maid. Would you not be eating on my couch?

How about that? Yeah, I think we all saw St. Elmo's fire, and we know what happened when Emilio Estevez got into that hot tub with Andy McDowell, okay? So the captain – oh, someone left a toaster on, and Nico sees it and he's like oh shit but it's smoking well yeah well the well but what happens first is the captain comes back and he corners kate and is like i'll tell you what i'm not happy about i'm not happy about a trail of half-eaten pizza leading up to the captain's quarters and kate's like oh well we don't need to leave in filth do we and then she's like oh i'm gonna up to the captain's quarters. And Kit's like, oh, well, we don't need to live in filth, do we? And then she's like, oh, I'm going to get to the bottom of that. And while she's, like, trying to mollify that situation,

Nico finds the panini press smoking with the grilled cheese. And so he just, like, carries the smoking machine through the living room where Captain Lee is sitting there. And Captain Lee is like, well, let's keep on going. So when she tries to talk to Nico, what's she doing? She's downstairs doing something in the kitchen. She's like, I need to figure out what's happening.

Like, there's a toaster. There's pizza. She's doing some sort of FBI, like, official police report for the Panini Press. So she's like, all right, was the fire bigger or smaller than Leon's kitchen fire last season? Okay, great, thanks. Junk, junk. She's basically doing something to show that she's on top of the situation, because Leah's really mad right now.

And while she's talking to Nico, Lauren comes through, and she's like, all right, all right, Nico. We need to go speak over here right now and i don't know why i don't know why she needed nico and kids like um no no i'm speaking to nico and he goes like well you know lauren and academy is a new scripted podcast that follows ava richards played by hbo's industries my hollaerald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Grey's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself.

But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about

or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app

or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Lauren's like, yeah, whatever. And she's like, come on. And so they leave. And Kate's like, well, safety? Safety, anybody?

Safety issues? Anybody? And so this is the turning point because Kate's like I'm a pretty generous chief stew but if you're gonna be rude to me and I was like oh yeah Kate just had a moment she was like wait a second I can be a bitch to you now okay here we go yeah yeah you've officially crossed the line lady so kate kelly and the captain so this becomes the like i love the drama on this show it's like yeah um kelly she's doing it right in front of the captain but in fairness the captain was sitting in the living room which is weird like you don't belong here go upstairs. He's sitting there watching this all interested.

And she's like, Kelly, your crew, pizza. And he's like, yeah, but to be fair, Kate, you know, we clean up after you guys sometimes. So, like, if you had to clean up the damn floor for once or whatever, he's starting to get mad. Also, Kelly with a couple of beers. Yikes. So she's like, actually, this is a safety issue that I'm trying to. And he's like, yeah. Kate's like, okay, Kelly safety issue that i'm trying to and it's like yeah okay it's like okay kelly let me explain this to you i'm wearing a shawl right now

so do what i say kelly's like kate threw me under the bus in front of the captain was that a dick move yes it's like oh he's getting so mad he's getting some shannon bedore self-questioning going on. You didn't think you were going to go through a whole charter without Kate going after you, did you? No. No. And don't try to think you can go after Kate because you can't. No.

The beast has been awakened, okay? Lauren has pissed off Kate and now she is ready to create havoc. And then we got a coming up this season. Well, I'm just skipping ahead a second. But essentially the rest of the season, it's going to be everyone being like, Kate, she's such a bitch. Kate, which means it's going to be great. Yeah, everyone's like, you bitch, Kate. But also Nico's turning on Kelly, it looks like. Turning on Kelly and Kate. Yeah, and then the captain

finally shaves them all. He's like, yep, I got a ticket in my pocket and it's got one of your names on it. Anyone want to make my day? But meanwhile, the episode truly ends with Ben and Emily ending their boring night by talking French to each other. It's like,

Je voudrais prendre vous sur un autre date, s'il vous plaît. other it's like je voudrais prendre vous sur un autre date s'il vous plaît there's a time and a place for French and this was it il y a

un place pour le français et maintenant et ici she's like, milk. Like the end. The sex scene. Alrighty.

Thanks, Bolo Dick. What a great time you gave us. Fun times. Kate, we are so happy your bitchy side is coming out again. Enough of this, you and love. We just can't deal. We need you to be bitchy. I also like they show the upcoming Kate episodes, and she's like, long distance thing is really hard and then they show crazy face on the on

the computer she's like hey it's just looking at her like what have i been doing this entire time and you know that moment where you realize the person's like just nuts and you know the producers are on her side because they gave they gave row Ro like some crazy subtitle that was misspelled. You know, whenever they misspell the subtitles, they're making fun of you. Because they don't have to do that. They're saying if this person's words were to be written out, they would be misspelled. Every time Rose, I can't remember one thing she says because every time she opens her mouth i just hear okay everybody let's move on shelby do you want to talk about reza or let's talk about reza

let's do let's do yours minor hours as a palette cleanser between below deck and million dollar listing shall we well sure because the show is only 30 minutes long and there's only about two minutes that are really interesting in any way so i always write down the first line of this show because um it's always reza reading terribly off a card in the voiceover booth and i always find it hilarious i'm super excited to be working with Wandra and Al because they are our first mother and daughter duo. Mother and daughter? Whatever. Mother and son! This is crazy! is that there is a mother and a son and they want to move in together because he like she he's a singer on a cruise ship and she doesn't want to like have to go and take care of his house anymore

when he's away and that's what they live under the same roof they it's easier and then he wants to be close to his mom so that way he can just like have quality time with her and take care of her if he needs to even though she's like basically yeah res is just basically obsessed with who's gonna be having sex and where they're gonna be having sex yeah it's like what about when you masturbate where will you do that we need to find you a cubby and wandra what about you? Is there a Mr. Wondra? What's it like being named after flower? So his house is like a cute small house with like an international decor because he keeps on, quote unquote, picking up pieces along his travels across the world on cruise ships. It's like different keychains with names on them so he has like a bedroom that's parisian themed which didn't seem that parisian and then a room that's the mallory room yeah i have questions about this guy's um

artistic sensibilities based on the fact that he took his dining room and turned it into a hallway and a guest bedroom i was like how could you do that that's ridiculous yeah that's where's your judgment it's not the brightest but res is like a morocco room i love morocco holler brown people with gold oh my god i'm glad he didn't make a stupid pun about this room sucks. This is not the Plaza Hotel, okay? This is Morocco.

A parents room? Where's Nicole? It's like, actually, the Nicole keychains are in the Hall Ray room. There actually is a Nicole room. It used to be a kitchen but it's been turned into a bathroom and a recording studio with an oven it's basically too skinny the room very uncomfortable the room went driving down the wrong side of the highway

so then they go see the mom's house and you know this is a bravo lady she was born to be on bravo because her kitchen is full of roosters from ross for less and tj maxx yeah it was out of control this was pure gretchen rossi decor um it was out of there was like it was like roosters there was even a sign that said oh what did the sign say i was like i'm not i don't have to write this down because it's so ridiculous it it's going to make me laugh. But it was on par with Caliente, but it said something else, like food or stove or

yummy. Oh, I hate those. They're like yum. Great artwork. It was like hanging out by the backsplash, just in the background. I was like, ah, kitchen sign. Why did I not write that down? I like imagining the pitch for that, not write that down i like imagining the pitch for that because you know there's like ross dress for less painting inventors and they're like

all right i've got a pitch for you yum people are like whoa we tested yum our markets are going crazy all right we got a new sign for you okay this is what's going to be All right, we got a new sign for you. Okay, this is what it's going to be. Cookies. Listen, we like it in concept. Cookies. Everyone loves cookies.

But the truth is, these days, people are trying to eat healthier. They don't want to be reminded of the cookies. All right, never mind. How about yummy? Oh, my God. Off the chart. Hired. The winner for best Ross Dress for Less art saying art saying all right this is my new idea for fall

fall 2017 all right listen up love cooked here love it done masterpiece love meat pray finally found a way to get around that that infringement. That's why he's the master. All right. New idea. New idea for spring 2017. All right. Blue background, white font, serif, boulangerie. Oh, yes.

Because now people will feel like their kitchen is actually a boulangerie. Perfection. Could we possibly change the serif on that to be a cursive font? Possibly an Annie? Okay. I think I could work with that. Let me think. Okay.

All right. Let me just close my eyes, put my hands out and make brackets with my hands. Boulangerie. Cursive. Yes. It works. It works. Let's do it.

Print 50 million of them. Ross Steinmatt, everyone gets one. It will be on thin canvas that's painted to look like wood. Sold! Alright, now, is there any way we can say boulangerie in script with a

checkerboard border and maybe an image of a chicken and some eggs? Well, now, you realise that boulangerie pertains to bread not to chicken and eggs i know but i i just think it would work all right let me think yes yes we like it checkerboard background chicken eggs boulangerie sold i would like to thank god my agent and ladies like wandra for giving my life meaning that's his acceptance speech at the TJ's which is awards for TJ and Max

decor maybe the Rossi no it's the Rossi it's a reference to both Gretchen Rossi and Ross Dress for Less and the Rossi goes to the Boulangerie sign he's like well I'm glad to have gotten this far with Boulangerie sign. He's like, well, I'm glad to have gotten this far with Boulangerie,

even though I really thought Yom was going to take it this year. I have to thank my agents. I have to thank God, first and foremost, for giving me the idea of the Boulangerie sign. My head writer, Rose. My producer, David. Bitch.

And whoever invented the free fonts on Photoshop thank you I have to thank of course Ernest Smithinsight who was the man who created the clip art chicken that I used he is an innovator and those chickens have been around since the 90s but

I never thought I'd actually get to work with one of them and to be able to collaborate with an original Smith site is an honor. Thank you so much. So they're walking through Wandra's house and Wandra's like, Wandra's like, now, I really like this house, but it's just

so much to maintain. It's such a high maintenance. And Reza goes, Wandra, what have you been doing in this high maintenance house? I'm like, it's not like it has machinery in it. It's not like there's cranks and gears that need to be lubed. It's actually a nice

sized house. I'm like, why is there even a consideration of moving out of this perfectly nice house, even if it does have bad decor? They just keep repeating whatever the guest is saying. They went up to her bedroom she goes oh now this is my favorite this bed is my favorite and then the girl's like your bed is your favorite isn't it i can tell like she just said that and she's on her bed rubbing it lovingly

taylor good call well andrew's like you know i just love how much closet space i have well you looks like you have so much closet space. You must love that. Is this where you're going to have sex with Mr. Wandra? When you find him. She's like, I'm a lesbian now. So he, she, Taylor is like, I'm going to make an attic apartment for mom. Sounds comfortable. In Atlanta. It's like 115 degrees. she taylor is like i'm gonna make an attic apartment for mom sounds comfortable in atlanta

it's like 115 degrees like put the put the aging lady in the attic when her son's gone most of the time she's just like the creepy one upstairs you just hear great well also now having seen some of this show now now this is our third episode of watching this ridiculously awful show that when we see that Taylor's ideas, like, okay, so my plan is to essentially build a house on top of the house and that the mom's going to love.

I'm like, yeah. Okay. So this is not going to be chosen because the show does not have this budget. Like, how are you going to, how are you going to build a full other story onto this tiny house?

That's already already under historical neighborhood rules. Yeah, she did. She showed the house in the 3D thing, and then another house just pops right on top of it. She's like, so it'll fit in the neighborhood. We added also a cell tower and a place to land your spaceship.

We're building a mountain, so you have something to look at outside your bedroom. And I love how, by the way, so one of the requirements is that there has to be two entrances to the house so that way whoever moves in in gets like their own separate entrance and like in all the scenarios the entrance is in the back of the house like who's gonna want to do that okay i'm gonna park my car in the front like everyone else but to preserve this idea that we are sort of independent i'm going to walk all the way to the back through this thing of nettles and enter that way please will it bother you if your mother is coming in the back door while you are getting it up the back door because you're gonna be having sex

can you touch your own vagina comfortably in this new attic bedroom, mom? God, jeez. Can we please stop talking about my pussy for about five minutes? And while we're talking about Reza, I just want to interrupt the programming to mention, and I put this on Facebook. As many of you listeners know, MJ from Shots of Sunset lives across the street from me, and I'm very scared because there is a for sale sign in front of her condo building and the listing agent is Jefferson

Reza's best friend who shows up on the show a lot and I'm very concerned that Jefferson is listing MJ's apartment right now I'm very very concerned I do not want her to leave I like her across the street now that's a girl who needs to put her mom in the damn attic as long as there's room for a ping pong table all will be fine this design finally makes sense

um reza shows them a house the first house he shows them he's like this this house is the epitome of together but separate uh separate but equal he's like he's about to say it he's like oh wait i probably should not be saying that on this episode uh yeah that's i was like everything that comes out of his mouth is so awkward i'm just gonna let that one slide god bless him so he shows them a house that is kind of like a shitty house but it has two master suites which is strange two master suites that have two staircases like maybe it was like a maybe at one point this was a two-family situation two-family home that they just like knocked out the dividing wall but um so he shows him they're like wow two master suites oh wander's like oh i think i like this one

you know it was literally nothing was happening they just yeah the usual thinganda's like, oh, I think I like this one. You know, it was literally nothing was happening. Yeah, the usual thing. He's like, we made sure there were two bidets so you can both clean your buttholes while you're having sex and not having to listen to each other. Now you certainly will not be having a bad day. Get it? I made a bad day pun about bidets. That's so Persian. I made a bad day pun about bidets.

That's so Persian. So they skip over back to Taylor. And Taylor is now doing a design, I guess, on his house. No, Wandra's house. Oh, her house. And there's like a basement with wires hanging out the wall. It's like a total fire hazard. Yeah, it's basically the set for Saw 6.

Go on. Yeah, we don't see the 3D renderings of that for some reason. I at this point she's like why am i even drawing this shit well the only rendering ever chooses me the only rendering they show is because she's she brings her contractor her like park overall contractor and then through there and then she's like well here's my next idea and they go out to this like shitty backyard and she's like okay let's put on a new door and then they show the rendering so like now we're taking down this door and putting up a new door and a new window i was like this is what gets the rendering the door yeah taylor loves her facades she's like i'm gonna put a different cover on the back of his house and so he's gonna come in he's gonna be like whoa it's like a totally

different house but really it's just a different wall but to be like, whoa, it's like a totally different house. But really, it's just a different wall. But to be fair, they were really just saving the good renderings for the end of the show. Because after this whole thing, the basement – and by the way, the mom's space is – that one is going to cost like $20,000. Whereas building the house on the house is going to cost like $80,000. So again, very obvious which one is not going to be chosen. But at least she didn't put plants on the wall. Maybe she did, though. I don't remember. I can't be sure.

Yeah, that's true, actually. I didn't look closely enough. She's like, well, I know you'll be missing your small house, so we put a little small house on the wall. It's a birdhouse. Reza, back showing another house to the couple, he's like, Look, look, it's a neighborhood. There are houses.

There are cars. There's a school bus. There's a person walking a dog. This is a community neighborhood. You are such a dipshit. Please move on. But the next house was nice. I liked the next house.

And I was like, well, this is obviously what they're going to choose. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it. One of the flaws of this show is they never present the downside. They're always like, wow, this is great too. I was like, well, this is perfect. It's got a nice kitchen. It's got nice rooms. The mom could be upstairs. Well, then Reza's like, no, when your son's entertaining downstairs,

mama could have a party upstairs by the staircase landing. I'm like, that's never going to happen. I don't know why I got upset about that. Staircase landing. I'm like boning Mr. Wandra. It's all in Reza's head. Creepy. So design. So they sit down and Taylor's like, I've drawn up a couple

of designs for you guys to choose from. I made this whole row into an apartment and it's got its own bathroom and its own couch. And a time machine. It's like there's a ladder that goes from here to the fire station.

I don't know why. You guys are just nuts. So she shows them this design. She puts a giant glass bathroom in the living room like you see through all the walls and it's a c3 shower i don't know he's gonna want to hang out at wanda's apartment while she's getting ready to be fair i don't think it was a glass bathroom i think it was just the walls were down so you could see into it joe they lifted the walls and they were glass like the you know how

the walls come up from the floor yeah yeah and i stand corrected so she had like it was a really cool scheme for for this gigantic like studio apartments like loft style apartment which was never gonna happen it was at first of all it kind of looked like the shake shack we went to yesterday second of all compared to how small that house is i just could not envision this actually existing on top of the pre-existing one it was so far-fetched i was like this will never get chosen and then the next one she then goes to the basement and the rendering is we see the fancy door and then she just kind of like spits up the basement and puts in a music studio so i was like okay this is a

more realistic thing that might happen um but of course it's this show and they spend five dollars on it so they choose they're like of course months later you know they do the call-in the facetime thing that's pre-recorded or whatever yeah and they're like we loved the first home you showed us and we loved the second home you showed us and we loved the first drawing you showed us and we also love the second drawing you showed us and we also loved the second drawing you showed us but now mom's not moving in with the son at all because her daughter is moving in with the kids so they're not doing shit they moved a couch and then reza and the girls slap hands and he's like congratulations we have really done a great job on this one yeah it was like once again after everything no one did

anything they were like yeah we're just not going to move houses or take any designs the big because basically the wandra was like well great news my daughter and her daughter decided to move in so now we don't have this issue i can be around family and uh taylor we decided to take some inspiration from your ideas i'm like what was the inspiration all that happened was they put in carpeting and they basically furnished the basement that's the only thing that happened there's they moved to fucking couch it looked ugly as shit yeah what the hell with this fail of a show i cannot believe that they have two episodes out of three that we've watched where they don't choose any of the designs or any of the houses i mean they tried to imply that they chose taylor's design but because they took inspiration

but putting a couch and some like shitty vases from ross in the basement does not qualify as as like a win for taylor res is like this is such a beautiful ending and it's like yeah like we've really served their needs because she was inspired but like you neither one of you made money again you are the worst veils i've ever seen well actually make this show stop make it stop it was a huge victory because it taught wandra and son of wandra that they should be really be happy for what they have there's no need to go through all the soup law with these two jokers it also probably they probably don't even speak anymore because reza made them think of each other fucking so much they probably can't even look

each other in the eye anymore that's why i really fell apart that's why i wonder is like daughter you have to come back to atlanta because i can't get these visions out of my head. Do you know what Reza told me that Al is probably doing in his bedroom? What a stupid, stupid show. I should not listen to Al using a bidet. Please move in. All right. Well, why don't we move on to Million Dollar Listing? It's not a million dollar listing.

It's not like a dollar. It's not like a dollar it's not like a hundred dollars it's a million dollars yeah so it's funny i just watched the show directly before we began the podcast and i can barely remember what happened it was just really once again more scripted than ever before um my huge go ongoing issue with this show it's not an issue it's an obsession is josh altman's plugs and i noticed them last week and i cannot unsee them now and now it's like he's losing more hair between his plugs every episode and i just can't wait to see how this ends up because it's not going to end well yeah why don't we go through realtor by realtor? And we can start with Josh Aldman, who began the show looking at colors with the girl. What's her name? His fiance? Taylor.

Taylor. Oh, another Taylor. No, no. Heather. Heather. Heather. I'm just putting Taylor from the other show in this's showing him, like, a color horoscope. And one of the colors is fuchsia. And Josh looks at it and calls it fucksia. And it was, like, so obviously fake. Like, isn't this hilarious?

I'm sneaking the word fuck onto Bravo. And he's like, I don't know how to say it. I don't know how to say it. And it's like, please, please. This is so condescending to the audience. Of course, you know how to say it. You're a realtor. You flip houses.

You understand the color fuchsia. And he's even like, I mean, I've used the color fuchsia. I just didn't know how to spell it. I didn't know how. That's how you say it. I'm like, the color is right in front of you. You see the color. You know that color is fuchsia.

So when you see the word fuchsia, you call it you can't can you not put two and two together that the color fuchsia that must be how you spell the color fuchsia it was so stupid you know that he goes searching for the color fuchsia on like the jack and jill website when he's ordering his little child suits you know he's like is there a time fucksia you know you know he does yeah and i don't even blame him i blame the producers that set him up to do it they're like oh this will be really funny say fucks yeah because then later on we can have a callback where you say my life is fucks yeah or fucks yeah my life we can totally do a great callback it'll be a hilarious bit and you know it's probably that producer that got that sweaty producer who sat on my couch that time remember

yes you're like i cannot believe he sweated on my couch when we when we auditioned for people's couch one of the producers was sweating fully sweating and he came into my apartment and he sat on my couch fully sweaty he wasn't even invited to something he was he just came in to go to the bathroom and then he like came out the bathroom and it was like okay and he just like sat on the couch and was like so bros what's up i'm like yeah get your sweaty ass off my couch sir i like that it can still inspire rage in you he was really nice he just was sweaty so heather is trying to get ready for this wedding that they're having and they have to move out of their lease house because the guy's going to sell it. Yeah. And he's going to do it in a month.

And she's like, what? I have to plan a wedding and get invitations and move and remodel and do a thing in one month? And I just wrote, gee, does this mean they're moving into their house flip? Yeah. Come on, show. And she was like, oh, no, Josh was like, these are the two biggest things that can happen in your life, moving and getting married. And we're doing both. Hint, hint, here is our arc for this season. Yeah.

Here is a house I can try to sell on Bravo because I am way overpricing it. I'm like, how about you move into a rental? You're a real estate agent. You know where the rentals are. Just relax. What was his other stories today? That was basically, so basically, um oh he had another stupid story so he had the story with beyond the agent from australia he's like look at you you cheeky

bastard joshie like did you just call me joshie he's like i sure did you handsome little cheeky devil joshie josh they basically just cobbled together josh's story this episode my my theory is that they had a madison story and they were like you know what let's just cut this out because they introduced josh josh's story started off with looking at colors and then it's like yeah we're getting married soon and then like at the 45 minute mark he's like yeah so i've got this house that my friend bought it my client bought it for like 10 mil and everyone's gonna be like whoa but it should be worth 30 mil it's gonna be really hard like bird streetsets, Bird Streets, Bird Streets. Bird Streets, Bird Streets. It's a Bird Street with birds.

Bird Street. And then they're like, Bjorn. Bjorn and Altman were like a battle of the plugs. Because Altman, I've already talked about his plugs. But Bjorn, now Bjorn has this thing where he's got plugs. But instead of letting you see the plugs, takes it's not a comb over but he grows one side of his bangs really long and then he pastes it over the front of his did you notice that it's like the most awkward thing i've ever seen in my life he like pasted a strip of hair

over where the plugs would be so it's like a hairline but made from a side bang but it's only one strip it's like a man kate gosling without the thing in the back it was that was some creepy shit going on there was like some glued hair to plugs that's not gonna work out and then he has that la face where from far away you're like look at that guy what wow what a full head of hair and then you get up close and you're like he taped he taped bangs to his hair plugs and he looks like he's 90. What's with this town? He basically had Fisher-Price hair. You know how, like, the little Fisher-Price people, they have that plastic hair?

Yeah. Actually, it's more like Lego hair. You know when you can put a little piece of hair on a Lego? That's what it is. Yeah. The old RGLC. So they had a very uninspired, you know, was like josh was like well he bought it for 10 he's selling it for 13 now and he's chopped down some trees and added a closet and bjorn was like well i didn't sleep with it money went and josh is like look no one wanted this house and now

like he got it for a sweet deal but the truth is this this neighborhood's worth a lot he's like well i'm gonna see and he's like okay but come I'm going to see. And he's like, oh, okay, but come and make it $10.50. And the client's like, no, $11.50. And he's like, no, how about $10.75. All right, we're done. Something like that, more or less. I paraphrase. Pretty much.

They got into a – the guy selling it is a total douche. I mean, there's so many douchebags on this show. Yeah. And he's like, we won't take less than $13. And Josh is like, look, bro, you can't just invent three million dollars for no work and he's like yes we can and so josh comes up in his least douche mobile he's like it's like maserat jaguar w or whatever he's driving and he's like now we're gonna have our fight so they have this fight and i have to say josh altman is looking really good in the getting the money department because bjorn's like

we're not going above 10.4 all right 11.3 perfect and i'm like you're 200 000 away bjorn we're wasting our time bjorn uh well um you know, the thing is what's really annoying with this show is that every single transaction from like the history of the show, this is what happens. Like, alright, listen. The lowest we can come down is 11.8

and you have to meet it. Well, I'm sorry. We're only going to come to 11.2. Alright, let me talk to my client. And the client goes, you know, I have to say I'm not happy about this at all. I don't even know if I want to be in business with you. Commercial break. Come back. But let's do it.

So Josh Flagg has his own douche storyline today. He's got his own douche. And he's like, this guy is so rich. He's got his own douche. Yeah, he's got his own pet douche for the day. He's like, this guy is so rich, he's like the head of iTunes Croatia. Like shit you've never even heard of, but I mean, who cares? He's rich. So the guy shows up in his huge douchey Jeep, he's like, yeah, I want to, I want to

find a house and investment property and flip it. And then, and so he takes some of these sums. He's like, this house isn't good enough. I'm like, are you going to flip this house or not? Do you want it turnkey or not douche? Like get your story straight. Yeah. And Josh is like, all right, well, we can, you know, we can show you another place around

here. That's fine. You know, it's fine. Get it done. So they look, I think they look at like two places maybe, but then they eventually go to some place where like this old lady house

and the guy loves it. This is his favorite house and has like a big stuffed sheep and it's a stuffed sheep and like some dolls whatever and they decide okay this is the one that the guy wants to flip so um they say it's perfect nothing go wrong well cut to like 10 minutes later in the show and josh called the douche into his office and he's like well there was a little bit of a problem it turns out the house was already like

an escrow they didn't tell me and so then douche, he can't even do his lines right. He goes, Josh, I'm really upset about this. Well, you know, but like, it turns out there's a chance that we could get the house. We better get the house, Josh, because I'm really upset about this, Josh. We'll see what we can do. We better do it, Josh.

I'm losing my, he's like, we'll see what we can do. And like i'm really upset this better this better go through otherwise i may walk out of this entire situation okay i am upset well you know just calm down we could probably talk to him a little bit if mary likes you if mary you know mary really wants to like the person who's going to live in this house. She's going to hate my personality. Well, that's nice. At least have a self-aware personality.

I know. Like I'm an awful person. Nobody likes me. Okay. Well, at least you see yourself. So they go to Coldwater Park. So they go to Coldwater Park and they have found some lovely lady from like Tarzana Community Theater to come. She's like, I am a novelist and I have such wonderful memories of my daughter in the living room.

Layers and layers of memories and dolls. And it would be just so lovely that this transaction goes so smoothly. i mean i don't even know what she was talking about she must write some boring ass novels because her memories suck she's like i have so many memories layers of memories my husband playing the piano my daughter having sleepovers the first time the maid used the new vacuum in the living room. Like, you are the most boring. President Truman coming into office. The first time we received phone service in Los Angeles. The flight of Lindbergh.

The guy's just staying quiet. And she's like, well, young man, what did you think of the house? And he's like uh it was a piece of shit but after knocking it down blowing it up exploding all your memories and repainting it maybe it could be okay bitch and she's like oh what an enterprising young man you're so lovely and enterprising i remember going to see the 1973 production of Bloomer Girls at the State Theatre And I thought, what an enterprising cast of people And you remind me of that

So considerate sold! I remember the first time that I babysat Bea Arthur in the living room I remember when the great Western Railroad finally reached Los Angeles. Back then, it was just a mission. We were teaching all the lovely people of the Pueblo all about Christianity, and I thought, someday I'm going to sell this Pueblo to your lovely young man.

So congratulations, you get my Pueblo. Jesus is buried in the basement. These memories. So, until he, you know, left, flew into heaven, moved that boulder oh shut up mary so mary this is an episode that the women are just complete weaklings okay mary was only selling if she likes the person so she's like has to approve and eventually he's like okay well here's what we're offering how about full offering cash wow I was like, wow, way to negotiate.

She's like, how wonderful! Sold! Okay, hard negotiating. Especially after last week when he basically came up to Josh Altman's price minus $30. He's like, well, I think I won that one. So,

they get that. So the British guys, who are not brothers it turns out it turns out they're just best friends that's weird isn't it really weird i want to talk about really quickly i think his name is david the one whose brother has brain cancer which is really sad and that was like one of the few like real moments in this show because he was like crying it's terrible terrible oh my god they showed the producer the producer's like well how do you feel about your brother i was like oh my god stop it guy alone he's already talked for half an hour about it i know and he's like he's everything and he's crying it was really sad very like a true emotionally raw moment and then they

show a scene with him and his wife and now i don't want to shame anyone too aggressively but this woman's face is so like like altered i mean not it's not like she looks like a pokemon yeah like she looks like a pokemon that's crawled out of the game and she's sitting there with like a little smile on her face and he's like crying he's like well my brother has a brain tumor and i'm thinking about going to london she's, so you want to go to London? Is that what you want to do maybe? I'm like, are we watching reruns of Roseanne? Why are you laughing right now?

She's like, I can't help it. My face is stuck like this for a while. She's like, so that's too bad about your brother. I don't know. Somehow there was a massive disconnect for me emotionally between these two people then when they they're selling a house for this girl who's like well i've really put a lot of work into this house and it's like really important to me like i don't even care about the number i just care that somebody loves that like somebody really has to like love my style and want to keep it the way it is and not want to remodel.

What? Well, you need your validation of your own personality through a house sale. Get a life. And then she's talking about how she's rich because her great auntie, whatever, she's like, she got those Navajos the right to vote. Yeah, because she was the heiress to some sort of oil company or whatever. So, yeah. So now this girl has attached her house because there's like wood on the ceiling and um and she's and and they're like well i don't want it to be torn down which i don't know if that's a totally reasonable request if you're selling house if you don't want to be torn down don't sell the house um even want it

to be remodeled she's like I want somebody to walk into this bedroom. They're like, what a gorgeous bedroom. Because that's how they do it. Like, look, it's a bedroom. This is where people can sleep in luxury. She's like, you guys got it. You know, I see for this bedroom, a place where two people can sleep. Yes, that's what I think, too.

There's wood on the ceilings in this bedroom. Oh, my God, you're totally on my page yeah so they're like all right we're gonna have an open house and they have an open house it's the usual open house thing and like they basically edit the other guy to make him look like he's in a fog they he's he basically they just edit him to say yes yes yes and they're like oh no he's not in the game i'm like well that's because they cut away before he finished his sentence but um he's like oh i'm gonna go i'm just worried about my brother like go go to london get out of here go which was nice um and then it's funny seeing only one of them working because he's acting like oh he's staring at his cell phone. This is bad, bad, bad.

Because the one who's not sad is walking around like, and this is a closet. It's where you hang up your clothes in luxury. Many celebrities have gone to the restroom in this restroom, which is where you rest your bottom. He's overselling every little thing. And the other one's just staring at his phone and he's like this isn't how we work i don't know how i can do this alone like everybody else on the show does it on their own yeah i know i'm sure all those other realtors that were there were just so happy they didn't have two of them being like isn't this luxury isn't this wonderful Wonderful. It's all trying to sell a guest closet on your own.

So then there's some interest from one person, but just in case, they decide to show the house to actor Michael Rappaport, who the British guy pretends like he has no idea who he is. Who is that? Is that an actor? Has he had mafia movies? He sounds like he's from New York.

I don't get it. Isn't this hilarious? What a quirky segment we're having here. He's like, should I know who that is? Yeah. And Michael Rapaport's like, hey, so look, this here counter. Is this like a counter like in a deli where people are going to bring me some food? They're going to be like, look, it's a deli counter.

Get it? And his little friend's like, that was so funny, Mr. Rappaport. I was like, yeah. What is this, a closet or is this a bathroom? What am I supposed to do in here? Am I supposed to close up in here? Am I supposed to take a shower? Look, look, buddy. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here.

Am I supposed to take a shower? You know what I mean? You are so funny. Yeah. And then he's like yeah sure anyway bye okay that was great that's a fun segment thanks for stopping by person who's never gonna buy anything yeah it looks like he just came for the canapes and i promised my client i wouldn't sell a single canapé if someone was going to eat them. So that was pretty much it, right?

Who ended up buying that place? I think that has yet to be... Oh, no, no, no. The guy at the Botox. Yeah, because it was the same thing. He's like, he wants to knock out the stairs, knock out the windows, knock out the master bedroom, knock out the this, knock out the... She's like, guys, I really want someone to love it. Okay, maybe for three million.

They're like, sold! What a wonderful day. Yeah, it was the exact same thing where it was like, you know, I think we should just go on to a different, you know, a different person to sell it to. Like, I really, I don't need to sell it to this person. Commercial break. Alright, three million's fine. Bye. I've got a Navajo on hold

So I'm gonna have to go The election's coming up It's truly a stupid show And two weeks in a row, no Madison Hildebrand Yeah, Madison What's going on over there? But I did like that they showed him in clips for next week And he's like, I'll kill me now

Well, I think we're probably only going to be covering this show for one more week because the week after that is when Vanderpump Rules comes back along with several other shows so oh girl we're going to have so much going on y'all the world is about to change we're about to get a new president in a couple

weeks or we're going to at least elect one we're going to have all new Bravo shows. I mean, you guys, you get ready for some progress because it's about to happen. The world will change. It's going to change. It's going to change. So everyone, thanks so much for

listening. If you listen to this in time, don't forget we have a hangout tonight. Subscribe to us on iTunes. That will be so wonderful. And we'll just talk to the rest of you next week. Bye! Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com.