Watch What Crappens - #344: Return of Poor People Drama

Episode Date: November 9, 2016

***This episode was cut short and re-uploaded! Full length is two hours and thirty nine minutes! Vanderpump Rules returns, and jimmies are rustled. Then we celebrate the first RHOC reunion of the season by saying WOW a lot before laughing our butts off over Real Housewives of Atlanta. Enjoy! Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. Timestamps: 00 Crappens Superfight 15:40 Vanderpump Rules Returns 1:28:25 RHOC Reunion 1 2:09:00 RHOA Returns See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crappins would like to thank its sponsors, Mia Hansen Aloha, Christy Doherty, and our special super premium sponsor, the gorgeous, sexy, and madge with the sexy J. We love you girls. Watch what happens, watch what happens, who cares what happens when there's so much that happens?

It's so funny, watch what happens, watch what happens, who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens Podcast, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Yo! Brovs. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV and the Rose Pricks Bachelor Podcast. And I'm here with the gorgeous and very votey Ben Mandelker of the Ben Mandelker B-Side blog.

Of the Ben Mandelker life. Of the Ben Mandelker players. Ben Mandelker of the Ben Mandelker life. Of the Ben Mandelker players. Ben Mandelker of the Ben Mandelkers of Hollywood, California. Everybody, thank you so much for listening. This is not only an election day. This is the day the entire world changes. Because Vanderpump Rules is back. Mary DeMedesade is back. Mary Domenic is back.

So you didn't clap for that. What the hell? Not as much applause for that one. Quad needs some lightning in the rain in the sky. Well, you may be voting. I'm putting on a hat that says hello today. Quad's nonsense brought me back to life. I was dying watching that show she still has not

learned to speak so thank you talk about that show on thursday yes just wanted to give a shout out and say we did watch and we will be there on thursday today though is orange county uh reunion vanderpump rules and yeah what else did we say? Okay, so today is Vanderpump Rules premiere, Orange County reunion, and Atlanta premiere. Thursday, we will do Below Deck, Married to Medicine premiere, and New Jersey reunion. Thank you, Bean. You're welcome. We just recorded a bonus episode about voting days and also... Iguanas.

Iguanas. Snakes um iguanas snakes attacking iguanas okay it's a very groundbreaking very important bonus episode yeah um next week we are going to start using our bonus episodes for married to medicine houston which comes out on friday because there are so many shows on the bravo we are moving some of the smaller ones over moving them over we just don't have enough room in the main show because we're now doing like three like there are three like major shows three to cover per episode we're only doing two episodes a week there's just not enough room to cover everything so marriage medicine houston is going to go in the bonus episode and it looks like probably when top chef comes back it'll also be on the bonus episode yeah

so if you want those bonus go bonus i bonusy go over to patreon.com slash watch what crappens uh premium members also get ringtones and video chat parties which are always super fun that should be coming up in a couple of weeks here in November. Also, come to facebook.com slash watchwhatcrappens to talk to other listeners while the show's air and read each other's hilarity. What's the other thing I have to say, Bean?

I don't know. My brain is cuckoo, but I'm not out of it. I'm totally in the game today. You're killing the game. Listen, it's hard to even make complete sentences because there was so much in our brains from last night.

From just Orange County and Vanderpump Rules. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. So we will get to the... Seriously, Tom? Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. So we will get to the...

Seriously, Tom? So we're going to get to that in a minute, and I can't wait. But before we do that, Ben, let's see what's going on over at our game, The Crap and Super Fight. All right. Let's fight. For those of you who are new to the show, welcome back. This is Crap and Super Fight.

It's a regular game, but we've made it crap in style. And we picked Bravo celebrities up against each other every week in a super fight. And you guys write in your own stories to fight, and then we choose a winner. So this fight, this week's fight, was between... Okay between okay you're gonna have to do this part because i forget i'm looking at the photoshop you did and laughing my ass off but a radioactive kristin with a shotgun that shoots out puppies it's a it's a technically it's not a shotgun it's a puppy musket a puppy musket. And then she's shooting puppies at Shannon, whose body is origami. She's made out of paper. Yes. And she's shooting lightning at the puppies, which, I mean, seriously, who does that?

Yeah. So who would win? A radioactive Kristen from Vanderpump Rules shooting puppies or a Shannon Bedore made of paper who can shoot lightning? I mean, we've all been there, right, with this question. It's one of the most pressing questions of the year. I think we picked Kristen wins, right? I think we picked Kristen because no one seems to ever be able to defeat her. And especially later on in the week, I did have this realization that there's just no way Shannon can win because she just loves to kill herself too much. Here lies Shannon Bedore, killed by puppies,

a once beautiful thing turned against me. Also, these are non-hypoallergenic puppies you're shooting at Shannon. So, Dad. Do these puppies have shots? No. Are these hospital-grade puppies? No. I don't like them.

I don't like things with paws. Are puppies murderers? Yep. So let's see. Let's just start. We have like four responses. Daffy1227 says, I think Shannon would use David as a human shield while taking shots at Kristen. Then Shannon would figure out how to charge up her crystals

and use one to clog the musket. The musket would explode in Kristen's hand and Shannon will drive her to a clinic without hospital-grade oxygen, allowing Kristen's wound to get infected and amputated. Meanwhile, she would give the unused radioactive puppies to Lisa Vanderpump and start a charity to find a cure for them called

Hot Bitches Need the Cure. I'm impressed, by the way like the creativity amongst our listeners is really above and beyond bunch of stoners okay this is from benjamin going my tactical assessment is that shannon has to lightning bolt christian's glowing ash from about a thousand feet away to win. This would require Shannon to not panic, be drunk, or get distracted by an insult. The radioactivity and puppy musket do not come into play because of range. Conversely, if she can hug Kristen,

she can electrocute her. Shannon fears radioactivity, as evidenced by her OCD about it in her home. That means she will want to keep her distance. If she can create distance and dodge puppies and puppy urine, Kristen's skank ass is toast. If Shannon catches a breeze, she can float like a kite. Shannon's bolts can rain down like she was Zeus.

If Shannon's stream of lightning is persistent like a laser beam, then Kristen will be cut in half before she can pull the trigger on her puppy musket. I feel like people are overlooking the fact that Shannon is made of paper and she will very likely catch herself on fire before she gets an effective lightning bolt at her. I just want people to remember that. Lauren Kapp says, The mere thought of being exposed to radioactivity compounded by the lack of hospital-grade air.

I love hospital-grade air as a real runner here, humidifiers and crystals will send Shannon into such a fluster that she'll immediately turn her attention to David while she's telling him, David? David? This woman, she she, like, but she, David, but her, but David, but

David, but David Okay, David, you understand that people those people are that husband is, no, this husband is, no, they're being horrible to me. She accidentally sets her paper self on fire with one of her own lightning bolts. Kristen is left standing there like,

ugh, that, like, wasn't even a real fight. I must have literally killed the game. I'm such a catch. Ugh. She celebrates by screen printing that entire quote on a T-shirt. I think that's actually the most realistic outcome. I think that's the most realistic too. Who else do we have here? There's only one more.

There's a big one from Deliza D that you can read. Deliza D. Liza with a D, not Liza with a Z, not Liza with a... Kristen C. Shannon approves. I never knew that Liza song. Liza with a Z, not Liza with an A. No one cares, Liza. Okay? We only care about Deliza D here.

Okay. Kristen sees Shannon approaching and realizes that Shannon is not just made of any old paper. She's made of the lists and lists of negative thoughts, mistress email printouts, and fake eulogy exercises from the last two years. Kristen starts reading Shannon, literally, cringes.

Wow, this is quite a list. Cringes and says, oh my gosh, that's so pathetic. That's so pathetic. Shannon is doubly offended by Kristen's toxic aura and her response and says, How dare you try and tear down my relationship? You know nothing. He was removed to debris from... David, David, David.

David suddenly appears in a hazmat suit with a handful of lightning bolts and says, Yes, dear. As he winks at Kristen. Wink. and says, yes, dear, as he winks at Kristen. David does his best to keep Kristen off balance with some flirting slash improv comedy talk. Killing the game. I'm putting yes and all over your dick.

Yes and dear. While Shannon hurls the lightning bolt, zapping Kristen over and over until she's just a little swirl of smoke, and a faint hiss can be heard. Seriously? Even though Shannon wins, the rage at the sight of David flirting was too much, and now she can't rein it back in.

She continues to grow and expand until, poof, she explodes into a blizzard of confetti. David takes off his suit in disbelief, frantically pulls out his phone, and starts doing a Google search for papier-mâché techniques. Ooh, cliffhanger. I like these. This is some good fanfic, guys.

It's actually amazing. We're usually like, well, I think this is what happened. But you guys are really like, there's an arc and a cliffhanger. It's an act three. All right. Who won? I can't tell. I think that Shannon may have won.

I can't tell. Okay. I wasn't. I'm looking. I'm looking them up. Ben says Shannon. Lauren says Kristen. And I think Shannon won.

Shannon. Oh, my God. You won and you're made out of paper. Wow. Wow. Well, Shannon won. But guess what? She has a new person to go up against.

And this time it it's Lawler! It's Lawler! And this is Lawler's power. The first one is that she can fly, but only two feet above the ground. So she has limited flight abilities. And the top half of Lawler is carrying a baby, as opposed to the bottom half. Wait, the top half of Lawler is carrying a baby? as opposed to the bottom half. Wait, the top half of Lawler is carrying a baby? Like, she's pregnant in her boob?

No, no, she's, like, holding a baby. She's holding a baby and flying at a very low level. Oh, man, that's a rough one. And Kristen's, like, radioactive still and shooting puppy muskets? No, Kristen lost. Shannon won. Oh, Shannon, sorry. Shannon's still made of paper and shooting lightning.

Guys, i'm still in that cubs game i i would have to say i feel like lala carrying a baby that's a good hostage negotiation situation you know because shannon doesn't want to be the one known for shooting lightning at a baby. I feel like Shannon will lose. I mean, Lala. Look, Lala is Lala. Even two feet off the ground carrying a damn baby, she's still going to be Lala. And one thing that she always has that can destroy Shannon. She's even more Lala now.

One thing she has that she'll always destroy Shannon with is youth. She'll always be younger than Shannon. And we know that Shannon hates the young bitches even more than Vicky. Yeah, she does. She hates them. She can't take it. She will have a nervous breakdown right away. Without any powers involved, she'll lose.

Well, because basically Lala will fly over like a little mosquito because she's not flying very high and she'll fly over and she'll be like oh i see you're not working your summer body yet and shannon will be so dismayed and horrified that she'll forget to even shoot off her lightning and she'll be david david did you hear what she just said david david and then she will play the victim and therefore not show up the lightning. And I was being very nice to her. I was very welcoming. I used to have parties.

How could you say that? Let's see you be a 50 year old with no work done. I was just thinking the other day how Shannon said that. She's like, you try being 50 and then not having any work done. See, blah, blah, blah. She was talking about your chin hair. That is not plastic surgery. Shave your goddamn face.

I don't know why that hit me like days later, but I was like, wait a second. And by the way, I think for the vast majority of women in this country who are 50 and older, they haven't had work done. So it's not a very hard thing to imagine. Shannon, work done is like shaving. All right, people.

So weigh in. Who wins? A paper Shannon shooting lightning or Lala carrying a baby and flying two feet above the ground? God help us. God help us. It's kind of scary. It's because when you fly that low, you're actually kind of a you're sort of like a ghost, you know, because ghosts don't fly too high. They only fly like a little bit off the ground.

Heather's in the background like, I think that ghost is losing its sanity. I feel bad for that ghost, children. All right, wrap her up. On the floor right now, ghosts. La la ghosts. Put both feet on the floor and stop flying. Terry, you need to spend more time with La La Ghost.

All I am saying is that you should be walking on the ground, not flying a little bit above it. All right. Wrap her up, Bean. Shut up. You're stupid. Stupid. What's the best thing you've bought for $3.99? We bought Seeso.

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That's Seeso.com promo code CRAPPIN. All right, Ben, what do you want to talk about first, my little honey pie? I don't know what's more pressing, OC Reunion or Vanderpump Rules premiere. It's a draw for me. Let's do Vanderpump. All right, let's do it.

Vanderpump Rules. Yay, Vanderpump rule yeah vanderpump rule this one's for me tonight i have to say uh i spent 10 minutes on the opening credits because i paused and i looked at all of them and I was like analyzing how they looked. And then I got onto Snapchat and started doing face swaps with them. Like I was. And then eventually I was like, wow, I've just spent 10 minutes on the opening credits. You sound like me in a recap. Yeah, seriously.

So it's in the first 30 seconds. I did that for Atlanta because I forget how funny Atlanta is until I haven't had it. What it's been off for like two weeks when I haven't had it in my life and just listening to Phaedra going I just kept pressing pause and

taking snapchats and stuff of that one. So I hear you. You mean when Phaedra says things like this? Phaedra this lemonade better than Chick-fil-A. Hey! Yes! But we are getting ahead of ourselves. I'm sorry, but yeah, openings, right?

Openings, am I right, guys? For Sheena, I mean, her face is just at this point turning into an isosceles triangle. It's like every year, I'm going for pie i'm sorry the rest of my face can't be here right now they're getting prime cocktails my face ran away oh yeah that's the gossip um shay went missing i don't know if he's been

found yet but he cleared out their bank account. And then some girl was on ye olde Instagram or something. Yeah, it was Nicole Arbour, that awful comedian. Oh, who's that? She is the one who was talking shit about our friend Michelle Collins on The View back a year ago. Oh my god, what a batch. And what about Rachel? Where's Rachel the stand-up? Where's our stand-up comedian Rachel from Vanderpump Rules?

What's another name? Well, she is obviously busy on a comic tour of Guam. Hilarious. Hey, if anyone needs a life, it's the people of Guam. Hey, Guam. How's it going? I feel like that's how she would open up her set. How's it going?

Hey, how we doing tonight? Guam's like, uh... Is she literally asking us right now? What's up, Guam? Guam, am I right? No. Hey, thanks for this brick wall. I hear you guys just built this for me today, Guam.

So this chick, Nicole Arbor, went on and was like, that is disgusting that Sheena would say that about her sober husband. Addiction's a bitch. And she told me that. What did she say? I'm just making stuff up now. She's like, you told me I could be on the show if I lied about your boyfriend.

Yeah. No, Nicole Arbour. Nicole Arbour is famously a attention whore. Not that we're not. But she is the one who had had like a big fat shaming scandal like a year ago also where she was like i forget what she's a youtube personality and she was like sorry you're fat that just means you're lazy blah blah blah something along those lines oh yeah we did a whole bonus episode on that yeah okay so she basically just said she knows lying

and this is sheena told me that if i went along with her story i could be on their show although actually now i think about it there is a chance that she could be she could be telling the truth it is sheena after all it is it's somebody on bravo period yeah either way either way i i love that this one feels compelled to like and declare make an official statement on twitter as if anyone really cares about the sheena the state of sheena especially on the week that vanderpump rules comes back and does a fat shaming episode like what are the chances what are the odds well every episode's a fat shaming episode when it's the sheena and shay relationship so just real quick about the opening these pictures are so funny it's the typical like slow motion spilling

things all over the restaurant that they normally do uh tom is starting a martini on fire with his new lesbian hair and then kristin is next to katie and tom like she's sitting down in a stool and she's giving this look look yeah she's giving it look like this is my british face yeah this is the sound of her look and uh she is just opening champagne that's splurting all over the restaurant yeah uh ariana's useless jack's face jack's poor jack's he's like you know we keep we've been the past few seasons we've been saying oh jack's is puffing up he's getting bigger but now he's actually like overweight and it's like it's not right is it overweightness yeah it's overweight I don't think it's overweightness I think it's like his I think he hasn't learned fillers yet

because they don't know look at his body look at his body look at the way the shirt is fitting him he's overweight um I do notice he's got two tiny bald spots right next to his widow's peak which means he's in a race with the hair plugs and that's always a losing race okay i wish you listened to the show i could have told you that four years ago jacks i think it's just hard because we remember what he looked like in his prime even before vanderpump rules when we'd see him around town and he was gorgeous and to see him you know, overweight, it's just not what we want of our male models. Well, don't worry. He's still spilling drinks. He's spilling Stassi's martini all over the bar.

And then Sheena! Sheena, with her new face, is standing next to them, but she's like leaning away from them as her drinks are about to spill. It's like the most useless cast of waiters of all time. I would also like to say noteworthy is that Stassi is back in the credits, but not

in the credits as Lawler, which makes me very sad. I mean, we all know she's leaving the show, and luckily we got a lot of Lawler last night, but she's not going to be on this show much longer. But she comes back. She better. I think she left and then she came back and deleted those Instagram posts.

Good, because Lala is like the, she is like the Kristen Cavallari of this crew. She's like, she's the future, you know? And as crass as she may be, I'm like, I'm with her. I'm with Lala. I'm with lala i'm with lala so we start out over at wait what am i saying oh i some oh wait i want to say some other things about the opening sorry i was scrolled down halfway through and i was like what how are we already there we haven't even gotten through the opening no the other thing that is significant is that in the in the big picture of the whole cast lawler is in that picture um guillermo is not there there's like a different guy who's like guillermo but it's not guillermo um uh then britney is in the in the big

picture um and then this new girl gg she's in it. But Faith is not there. So, so much for diversity on Vanderpump Rules. We had a flicker of it last year, but Faith is now gone. They're like, what do you want from us? You've got to freak out. They're like, well, we've done our part. We put a black woman on for one season for, like, an episode. We gave urban youth a fused couch. What more do you want from the producers of Vanderpump Rules, darling?

That's probably exactly what they were thinking, too. So, as is tradition with Vanderpump Rules, we open with a song that makes no sense. This show even beats Ladies of London with its ridiculous song openings and ladies of london is a tough one to beat but this one opens with let's go all right all right all right let's go all right all right all right it's like oh god tim rice is at it again it's what it's what all the customers are saying yes sir where is our check let's go was Sondheim busy it's an old Kander and Ebsong I'm surprised you don't know it it was part of floor of the red menace let's go let's go capitalists and get our communist agenda going workers the world unite workers of sir unite so to get back into things we see all the waiters doing their thing and we see one

of the most disappointing things of the season which is peter has found a relationship and become a mom i mean what the hell happened to peter there you know what i don't mean to jump ahead too far but when lala said i see you guys haven't been working on your summer bodies there was there was a there was an air of a ring of truth i don't i forget working on your summer bodies there was there was a ring of truth I forget the phrase but there was some truth in that and unfortunately it extends to Peter well I I ain't fat shaming the guy

there's just something about when he cut his hair and he was like yeah I'm gonna be in a relationship and cut my hair it was like a Samson and Delilah thing where he's just like the guy now who's walking around going how's your strabbertini yeah who named that no but it's like his hair is short he got a little soft looking and he just sort of it's like what you said it's like he became like a mom well just

okay i'm really i'm starting this off on the wrong i'm fat shamed and i'm mom shamed i'm just like i'm stumbling out of the gate here. Everyone, I'm trying to get my words right. I'm all discombobulated. I'm drinking Tiago coffee today, which is jet fuel. I can't think straight. What I'm trying to say is, he's let it go. I like that you phrased, but it's the same.

Just to put it in a kinder way he's basically a fat mom now so because i like peter so much it's more like i i see the potential we know what peter can be well this is why when you're dating someone especially in la really anywhere but when you're dating someone for for their looks and they're very thin you you that's not a good reason to date and if you're gonna do it you have to imagine what they're gonna thin. That's not a good reason to date. And if you're going to do it, you have to imagine what they're going to look like with 20 pounds on them and a little age. Because you really never know what you're getting when you go just for thin bodies. Because, look, happy people are not thin. Okay?

As has been evidenced on these shows many, many times. You get happy with the first thing you do. You celebrate by swallowing an Intimins. Ooh, great idea. I know, right? Okay, so how's your Straubartini? The name is on the show. Nice work.

Let's just say that. Straubartini. Why couldn't they just say Strawberry Martini? Exactly. Just add two more syllables. Add two more syllables. It's not helping strawberries or martinis. It's like you're making both of the things sound grosser.

And by the way, who drinks a Strawberry martini yeah just get it off the menu how about that just take it off the menu and move on how about just order a shirley temple you pussy get a pump teeny so we're watching all the waiters work and we see that tom oh tom number one has new hair and it's basically lesbian chola soccer hair yeah it's lesbian hair i mean that's just what it is it's not really even a judgment it's just more of just a statement of what the look is um but it's really well well we learn later on that it's basically it's it's this it's sort of long so that way you can put into like a little ponytail sort of like a modified man bun so when it's sort of long so that way he can put into a little ponytail. Sort of like a modified man bun.

So when it's not a man bun, it turns lesbian. I wasn't actually totally mad at it, but I wasn't totally in love with it either. Yeah, it's weird that a dude can get lesbian hair and then still be gayer than anybody else with his man bun. What are you going for here? Just tell us. I think more significantly is the fact uh that britney is now working at the restaurant she's part of the pump staff and jax tells us this this really amused me because jax goes brit and i have britney and i have been almost dating now for about a year i'm like almost dating for about a year does that mean you guys are not dating you're almost dating

or we've almost pulled we've almost decided to start dating i don't think jack's is even clever enough to lie that well yeah i know words like that britney is new at the restaurant so she is um you know she has to figure out how to put orders in and she's literally trying to figure out a squirrel it's like why won't that squirrel talk to me does it have rabies tell the kitchen what you need any she's like, why won't that squirrel talk to me? Does it have rabies? Tell the kitchen what you need, honey. She's like, I'm so glad you guys have touchscreens because the other place I worked at had a mouse

and I hate mice. They're scary. Hey, y'all. Anybody have a cockroach so I can get my order put in? You idiot. Someone ordered a peanut grigio. Anyone got nuts? I need to tell this squirrel what I need.

Jax and Tom are at the bar and Tom's like, hey, maybe you should make these mojitos because they're for Brittany. And Jax is talking about how it's like a lot because they work together and they live together. And, you know, he's like, my work was my place to get away, like literally from the cops. He would just hide away at work.

He's in the toilet paper closet. I don't think this relationship can last very long, even though we know it lasts long enough for a spinoff because they have a spinoff in Kentucky or something. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. According to Brittany's mom, who, you know, a know a trashy liar just kidding i don't know that but i don't think it's gonna last because britney has the nerve to send orders for mojitos now we know from watching this show one thing bartenders hate is muddling fucking drinks and now you're sending two to your boyfriend who's self-mutilating with too much filler and caulk not a good sign girl uh you know but i do have to applaud the producers for getting back to the

basics with this show they're like okay we need someone uh it and insert who's dating someone else that they're both working so it's like season one jackson stassi and we need all the mean girls to get together and uh go after someone so so far so good yeah this is about the mean girls to get together and go after someone. So, so far, so good. Yeah, this is about the mean girls going in on people, and then the guys cheating on them, and then lying about it for a season. So, yeah, looking promising so far. We also meet a new hostess, Gigi, and I really appreciate Lisa Vanderpump's determination to have hostesses named Gigi and Lala.

It's like, I just want one syllable repeated over. Gigi! Be nice to Lala. Lala, Gigi. We got a new hire today. Her name is Fifi. Be nice to her, too. The only kind of guns we allow in this restaurant are BB guns! Alright, we have pop recording star JoJo filling in for Fifi.

I'm having my next party catered by CeCe's Pizza. It's my thing. All right, everyone, big celebrity coming through. She's also our new hostess. Her name is Mimi Rogers. All right, Mimi, get to work oh abandon your posts um can we just please rewind the episode where um britney says say beyond blanc over and over again because that was like my favorite thing ever she's like i'm getting the hang of it but the wine list i mean

say beyond blanc when someone orders that and katie's like uh sauvignon blanc she's like oh stop stressing me out she's like even i know that and i'm key katie's like i don't want you to feel like i'm judging you behind this tray of salt and pepper shakers that i'm holding but i am uh she's like i got a new tattoo of a corn husk to remind me of how to say Sauvignon Blanc. They're like, how does that work? I don't know. It just works. I know.

I tried to put that together in my head for like a second. And I was like, yeah, don't try it. It's Britney. I'm talking about Britney. Don't try and make it work. So we learn. So when we meet Gigi, the reason why we meet Gigi is because

Sheena doesn't want to give menus to Lala. I don't like that girl! I don't like her. Not that Sheena ever learned any lessons from when she was a hostess and no one wanted to talk to her, but fine. You can't expect people to learn lessons. How are they going to stay waiters until

they're 50? There will be no lessons learned here. But yeah, Sheena won't give the menus. I didn't even notice that girl. I didn't notice she was anything. No offense to Gigi. But I was like, oh, who's Sarah plain and tall over there? Somewhere Yolanda is furious.

What? Gigi is a hostess now? What? What? That is more for the other one, not for Gigi. Oh, never mind. I have made a mark on that trade. There's only one Gigi is a hostess now? What? What? That is more for the other one, not for Gigi. Oh, never mind. I've made a mark on that trade. There's only one Gigi.

She's all suing the musical. Okay, so, Sheena is dumb as ever. Sheena is dumb as ever. And she does her... When she's talking in the diary room now, she's wearing blue contacts for some reason, I don't know why, no one knows, no one knows why, no one understands, but I forgot that Sheena shimmies when she does, she's like, wow, that girl had many of my meth protectants, I don't wanna see the law law.

Shimmy, shoulder shake, slow shimmy. She was still in that skanky hole that she was last year. I don't want to see Lala. Shimmy, shoulder shake, slow Shimmy. She's still in that skanky hole that she was last year. Shimmy, little Shimmy. So there's a huge party, the OK Magazine party. Yes. It's like a Sir Christmas party, like the OK Magazine party. It's like awkward conversations with people.

You don't want to see them outside of work, but then you do. like peach eyeshadow it's my thing okay tom i love the thing that they're most excited about every year is going to something called okay it's okay yeah that's pretty it's my life goal okay my first baby mediocre um sheena tells us that she is in a great place with Katie, Kristen, and Stassi. Don't like her for a Sam. Which means, of course, we're going to find the fighting by the end of the season. Anytime a reality show starts a season, be like, we are in a great place.

Our friendship is great. We just love each other. It's like, okay, you'll be torn apart by the producers by the end of the season. It's taken years, but I finally feel like these are my girls. There's like four of us. We're like the four. There is no story where

four people make it out okay. There's the three musketeers. There ain't no four musketeers. It's like I tried every one of the prime cocktails and got to keep them all. And then Shane stole them out of my locker and ran away. So, finally,

Lisa Vanderpump enters at long last. And her first line is Lala! Oh, yes. Where have you been, Lala? It's like doing a thumb. I'm like, is that what we're calling Snapchat now? I was in a major motion picture.

It's called Snapchat. It was like a really short film. Yeah, I was like a Dalmatian for 10 seconds. My voice changed. It was really difficult. I was played by Sidney Poitier in Face Swap. I had to do a lot of prosthetics that made my face look squished in. It was really intense.

She tells her she's done a film and Lisa asks about it. She's like, it's porn, Lisa. Have you ever seen porn? Lisa's like, ah, darling, of course. I would never say that I saw porn, but then I'd be lying. Wacky older lady sexuality reference. He's like, thanks for squeezing that into scene one. I'm sure I missed that.

Just wanted to make sure you're still a randy old lady over there. Check. Box checked. just wanted to make sure you're still a randy old lady over there check box checked well it turns out lala's movie was she had a bit part in a movie with nicholas cage and john cusack and uh and adrian grenier and adrian grenier so i just say it uh sign me up i mean it's going to top my netflix queue um let's see what did peter turn into a 40 year old dad katie lala okay now katie i don't know even who she's talking to oh she's talking to us she's like lala has been talking shit about me to anyone well listen katie is a blob katie is fake katie is stupid katie

katie's like it is with no stickiness on it. It doesn't even hold papers together. Katie doesn't marry her catch-ups right. I'm like, why would she be so mean to me on the summer of my wedding? I'm like, well, I think Lala is six for six on that count. She wasn't lying. Katie is a crack on the sidewalk that breaks mom's back. I mean, it is the summer of my wedding.

I know. You know what? God bless Katie for taking the torch out of Sheena's hand for the wedding summer entitlement. When is Sheena's birthday? I hope it's around the same time. That's going to be a damn mess. How can you have your wedding on the year of my birthday? It's the summer of my fucking wedding, and I don't have time for that shit.

Yeah, actually you do, Katie, because you're not doing anything. You know, Katie is doing a lot to her hair. Too much. You need to back away from your hair. It's never going to work out. That's one of those things you have to accept about yourself. I'm a bald person. I had to accept it.

There are some things you can't change. Your hair is always going to suck, Katie. stop ironing your hair stop spraying your hair it makes it worse well maybe she's just traumatized you know maybe she saw like an old poster for the blob and felt it was a directed attack at her she felt no other recourse but to grow more hair katie needs to be moisturized in the follicles okay hot oil you can buy them for like 25 cents at the target you're welcome poor katie poor poor katie but at least like we got to see more drunken katie this this uh this episode which is more than we got to see all of last year so tequila doing what you're doing yes tequila katie is my best is the best kind of katie if tequila kat doing what you're doing. Yes. Tequila Katie is my best. It's the best kind of Katie.

If tequila Katie is around, I'm down for Katie. I'm, I like me some tequila, tequila Katie, but I don't like his sober Katie, like being all like Mopi and like cutesy. That's what I'm not down for.

Yes. I like the Katie. He can't even pull it together to write a blog. Yeah. What happened to a blog? So finally we get, it's Kristenin's opening line and she we were at her new apartment and her opening line for the season is things are pretty fucking fantastic well i mean i'm in this relationship with carter and you know like my other relationships I paid all of Sandoval's

balls and James treated me like an ATM and like it's just nice to be in a relationship with Carter where things are equal well like 6040 Carter was also in the opening credits uh the big group of people I'd like to add so that means he's gonna have a role in this season guys can we just all say right at the beginning that that 60 floor 40 split is not going kristen's way that is so the other way she's like okay i'll pay for i'll pay 60 of the bill and i'll tip lala james are coming so now we're all getting ready for this party and everyone starts talking about oh no this is kr now we're all getting ready for this party And everyone starts talking about

Oh no this is Chris and Stassi still getting ready for this They're annoyed that James and Lala are coming to the party The okay party And Stassi's like Lala is a cut fitness I hate that word but You almost sounded like a pleasant breeze. The opposite of Stassi. Well, I like that Stassi, you know, her feelings towards Lala are, I don't feel like welcoming someone who's been fucking disgusting to my friend.

I'm like, you realize, Stassi, this is generally the universal opinion about you, right? You know, you'd think that Stassi would feel generally the universal opinion about you right you know you think that Stassi would feel a weight off of her shoulders not really because her personality has changed but because she stopped wearing shoulder pads that are 10 pounds thank god for the evolution of her shoulders I mean yes they are kind of hairy as we saw in the light later but still at least she's not a football player anymore because girl i cannot stand sports yes i have to say uh big most improved to stassi for shedding her grandma chic look and coming back to the stassi that we know and love which is being really bitchy and looking pretty good yes being hateable and awful with hateable and awful but sort of chic yes well not well just stassi chic

stassi chic yeah not too far like, you know, looking young. You know, it's funny because this is the show where I feel like looks matter the most. This is the show where we go in the most on how people look and how much they weigh. All the superficial shit that's like really nasty that I don't feel like a good human being for commenting on. Because there's something about these people that just brings it out of me. Well, also the first episode don't forget katie was like don't hit us because we're models that was that was actually kristin but katie you know we'll both you know they're both like it's really hard like for other

girls because we're hot so i'm a catch i'm a catch yeah yeah horse face number one and horse face number two never hashtag never forget never so over at the pizza oven james is like wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki and uh lisa comes over to say hi and make sure the temperature is correct and it's right next to an alarm button i don't know why it just makes me laugh every time they place james because it's always a different place so be like all right today we've put the itunes machine next to the bathroom darling there's a street sign that says robertson above his head it's like you're not even in the restaurant at this point you can put him on the giant planter soon. So Lisa's talking to James and he's like, I haven't

been drinking, Lisa. Well, first of all, he's always like, Lisa, you look gorgeous. Oh, you look wonderful as always, Lisa. I haven't been drinking. That's good, James. That's good. You've got to keep it up. I think I've been on a good run. You've got to keep it up, James. He's like, yeah, well, you know, my father left me, so it's going to be hard. But, you know, oh, James, but don't drink. Oh, I'm doing so well, Lisa. Doing so well. What are you have to keep it up, James. You know, my father left me, so it's going to be hard, but you know, James, but don't drink.

I'm doing so well, Lisa. Doing so well. What are you, like 25? Get over it. Your dad left you. Girl, you're a bus boy now, okay? Hold your head high and wiggy wiggy. Also, didn't he already sob last year about his damn dad leaving?

How long do you get to use that as an excuse? Well, last year it was that his dad was going to leave and then this episode was that his dad left like last night well unfortunately he forgot to raise you on his way out you little monster who i still love darling all right james i'm personal my dad my dad left me i can't even do james anymore james come back inside of me james i bet you'd like that wouldn't you i bet you'd like that ronnie for me to come inside of you huh there's the last time you're gonna see this one bitch all right oh that is so gross so jackson tom uh are still talking about britney and blah blah blah okay so now jackson's bored

and he's really mad about muddling drinks. So he's like, I'm going to ruin my girlfriend's life in Kentucky. So he avoids talking about Chola hair with Tom, and he's like, yeah, you know, it's really tough, like working with Britt. You know, like I'm tired, and I came home the other day, and I hear noises in my bedroom, and I was like, LOL, you have a bedroom?

Talk about moving up in the world, because he used to live in that studio apartment in the same room as this kitchen or whatever yeah he's like I walked in and Brittany and Brittany and Kristen were making out but down south yeah he said Kristen went down on Brittany Tom's like oh okay he goes he goes were you okay with it and he's like i flipped out man he goes of course she did you're jealous asshole is that crazy to be mad that your girlfriend is getting eaten out by somebody else i i don't think well first of all i'm not straight so therefore i you know i don't know about the whole fantasy thing. But I imagine most straight guys wouldn't really mind. But if you came home and your boyfriend was getting a blowjob from Angie, you wouldn't be mad?

I think I'd be mad. Yeah. You'd be mad, right? I mean, especially when it's Kristen. That girl's been everywhere. Kristen has her own like special plaque that you don't want on your girlfriend's hoo-ha okay and when you say special plaque like her own strain of plaque on your teeth on her teeth yeah what do you think i'm

it's like its own color it's his own shade of color you can actually find the color like sherman sherman williams my plaque is killing the game kristen black tom is like whatever there's no shortage of bi-curious southern girls in la but why does kristen have to pick that one he's like i got jacks and then tom says that cunnilingus is the hollywood handshake and that's why i don't shake hands ever okay do not shake hands people are monkeys yeah yeah it was um it was it's sort of funny because i think they went to a commercial not long after that and it was like oh this is like a strange thing to go on to commercial about go to the commercial bet and it's also strange this is sort of like a oh yeah so kristen was like you know going down on my girlfriend.

Oh, okay. Well, you know, it just happens. All right, commercial break. It's a weird show. So Lisa hears about it from, of course, Jackson or Jax, who's now just going to tell everybody everywhere. Yeah. Well, actually, well, before that even, Lisa is talking about how Brittany is working at Sur. And I love Lisa's defenseless take on her hiring policies and things like keeping James employed. She's like, well, you know, I've been so patient with James, but, you know, I'm running out of patience now.

You know, he's only allowed 10 more drunken explosions. And then with Brittany it's like, well, you know, I didn't want to give her a job, but we've been so busy. I was slammed. I needed all the hope I could get. No, you hired her because you wanted her to be on the show. You know, it's like she just had to hire Brittany.

She also helped me come up with my new drink, Sabby Own Blanc. It's tree sap. That's it. It's tree sap and whitening toothpaste. She's like, just imagining Kristen Chowing down on Kentucky muffin. Ooh, we'll have to put that on the menu.

Chef Kevin. So we get to the party. Are we at the party now? And Tom number two, who's never looked hotter, by the way. Rawr. Yeah, he's looking great. Oh my god. Commitment to somebody that you're going to cheat on for the rest

of your life has done you good boy done you good yeah he's talking to kristen and stassi um and stassi is back with patrick by the way stassi is back with patrick this guy um and uh and so yeah they're just like chatting and i think they're are they talking shit about lala i yeah, they're just, like, chatting. And I think they're talking shit about Lala. I forget who they're talking about. Yeah, basically Stassi. Usual. Typical Stassi. She's like, here's who we hate today. Lala.

So they're all planning on going after Lala. And Tom's like, you know, guys, I'm not comfortable being mean to her just because Katie, you know, just because Katie doesn't like her. I don't want to inherit Katie's crutches. Yeah. That was his talking point. I don't want to inherit Katie's crutches. Yeah, that was his talking point. I don't want to inherit her crutches. Oh, I thought he was saying crutches. No, crutches. Well, that obviously makes more sense.

But I thought it was funny that he was stating it. Like, Katie really needs to hate on some innocent girl. Or she's not happy. Like, that's her crutch is being mean to like prettier girls it works in both ways i mean uh the thing is with katie katie is that classic girl who does have to tear someone down to feel better about herself she really does she probably denies that but she is that's exactly what she is yeah and he's like well i'm not going to be mean to her just for katie and stussy goes yes you will that's what you did to me. You totally were mean to me because of Katie.

And he goes, yeah, but I legitimately didn't like you. And Stassi's like, okay, I get it. Like, for Stassi, that's a huge compliment. If I can make someone dislike me, that is, like, the best thing in the world. Yeah. She's like, well, it was probably the shoulder pads. I mean, that chapter's over. She's like, you know, I went through a phase in my life where I wanted to look like the old lady in Witches of Eastwick.

But now, I'm back to me. I had one too many cherries come out of my mouth and I said, this is not for me. I mean, they were all homeowners. I hate Maine. So, everyone's pretty much of the the gang yeah they all get there and they all get to the okay party which is okay which is okay they go upstairs like their own little seating area and jacks is like he's like oh uh by the way kristin uh i sort of told everyone that like well i told everyone that like you were like eating out my

girlfriend well actually like i only told tom and he told everyone which is like you know so that's a lie so and christian's like oh fine so then britney shows up and then jacks is like hey remember like when you guys were like you know eating each other out like she was in your box and all that stuff and britney's like stop it stop it and i love how kristen goes jacks you're being ratchet you're being ratchet like that is some that is some white appropriation if i've ever heard it also just like old drag queen slang but it's also like it wasn't that's not an example of ratchet she's just like oh cool i hear like cool black people and drag queens say this so i'm gonna say it, too. Seriously?

Seriously? I'm ruling the Ratchet game. You're being Velcro right now. Making shit up that doesn't even fit the situation. I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. So, seriously? Like, everything sticks to you.

That's, like, crazy. Ding dong, UPS is here, Jax. Like, what? I know you are, but what am I? Literally. Literally, what am I? Like what am i like say it seriously seriously seriously i know you are but what is seriously i know i'm seriously but what are you that doesn't make sense kristin i know you're seriously wait seriously and if sheena looks lost it's because meanwhile shea is like hey sheena um i'm gonna go to atlanta for a few days can you just like

snapchat me back to confirm that you got this oh sorry false everyone. I'll fight you right away. He's like, well, I did do that, too. So Brittany is like, I am so lucky. Being from Kentucky, I'm used to knowing people. You walk down the street and they say, well, hi. And I say, hi. I'm so lucky to have this group of girls in Los Angeles. It's just like home. Like, you poor stupid bitch.

First of all, God bless you. Cause you are such a Hollywood story. Finding a TV job through fucking some dude on Instagram, like hands down. You're amazing. And you haven't even been a bitch yet. So good for you.

Second of all, gross. You're fucking jacks. Okay. None of this is worth it. No, none of it is worth it no none of it is worth it and now now this i'm saying this actually not to be shaming but a an unfortunate reality of

a situation i think that bernie actually seems very sweet i actually really like her a lot but i also get the feeling like the girls would not be as nice to her if she were not as curvaceous and i'm saying that not to be shaming i'm saying it as like knowing what these girls are if these if these girls felt threatened by britney i don't think they would be nearly as accepting as they are no one would talk to me until I lost my password for the fitness pal. He's my best friend, too. Ever since I moved to L.A., I got this new pal named Fitness. Wow.

Peanut M&M's are 250 points. A good group of girlfriends is priceful. I think I'm winning. I got a lot of points today for my fitness, pal. I beat everybody online! She's on the leaderboards. Oh, God. This show brings out the worst in us. I feel bad if they ever happen to listen.

Hey, you're the one who said it. I'm just playing off your thing. You know, I don't care when a girl eats a damn pizza. You go, sister. No, I'm not damning her for that at all. I'm just saying I think that, like, Katie and Stassi would not be as nice to her

if she were thinner. Well, yeah, that's true. And also Stassi had to be nice to her because she was like the only person who would talk to Stassi at first. That's true. And then they got to bitch about Jax together. And the other girls, I think, are just following.

I mean, this is like an abusive relationship, this show, where you know he's just going to hit you, but you're like, oh, but he's being nice. Maybe he really means it this time. That is basically letting Stassi back in this group. It's like the point, letting the poison back in. I mean, thank God. Yeah, thank God. basically letting stassi back in this group it's like the point letting the poison back in i mean thank god you know thank god speaking of stassi so jax is like he's still concerned that this rumor is has really not gotten off the ground yet he's like really trying to like you know launch a uh storyline for himself he's like okay i'll just go over to stassi

and just tell the whole thing over again he's just he's like he's like yeah so like christian was like eating out my girlfriend so you know i'll just put that out there yeah he just goes from person to person the waiter's like would anybody like a muddled drink and he's like uh my girlfriend would love uh her pussy licked by kristen who's right there so uh he's like the only reason why my girlfriend came to this party is she didn't think it was called the okay party she thought it was kristen just ate me out party right am i right everyone am i right my jacks doesn't even sound the same meanwhile over at sir tom's like this is the first time i've ever gotten ready at the girls bathroom i'm sure yeah i wrote that down too

nothing happened in that scene they just got dressed i was like oh okay i i feel like guys like tom are why the target bathroom rules were invented people are like i don't even know what's going on anymore just come on in here you lovely lesbian girl just come and do what do whatever you need to do uh yeah you know if there's anything that should turn around all the bathroom laws it should be that scene see yeah if you open to both genders you can have the most beautiful people changing right in front of you wouldn't you want that tom's haircut is about to change the landscape of our country i also like that ariana and tom like wore matching gray i was like no they're color coordinated um what else happened here they're talking about eating the you you know, more Kentucky muffin talk.

And Ariana's reaction is perfect. Grody. Dude, you can't go to sleep when Kristen's around, okay? I know. Talk about Freddy Krueger. Freddy Krueger's like blowjobs. He's like, don't go to sleep or I'm going to give you cunnilingi. What I actually really imagine happens, like, someone's, like someone's like getting like chased down by freddy krueger and then he's like clawing

at him like uh freddy can you just hold on one second i know you're really trying to kill me but kristen i think is trying to make out with my boyfriend right now so just put a pin in it right now freddy he's like okay if i don't wait please freddie murder me before christian eats me out that'd be great like people running towards freddie krueger christian's like in that movie lights out you turn the lights out she just comes and eats you out lights out didn't pay the bill the sequel didn't forgot that forgot to pay the bill so now james and james and lala show up at the okay magazine party and they are i'm just gonna assume they're coked up if maybe they're just maybe they're just drunk whatever they are they are ready they are messed up coked up at i don't know if it's some pills from the 7-eleven

for energy that you buy i don't know they have snorted crazy crazy yes. Whatever could be snorted has been snorted. Empanadas! The goat cheese empanadas now, Ben. Keep this so current. Snorted some tuna tartare from Chef Penny. Chef Penny, do not abandon your purse. Just round up that tuna tartare and put it in a line

and give it to James. And in a year where we're talking so much about feminism and women's rights and women's issues in general lala being like yeah me and james real as a pair like he tried to fuck me all year last year and finally i just got wasted and flipped my legs open and let him do it now we're both over it like okay you make sexual assault sound so much fun. Oh, my God. I love Lala. I mean, she is a skanky hoe, and she embraces it.

And that's all we want. You know, I think at the end of the day, when we make fun of all these people on Bravo, the people we make fun of the most are the ones who put on airs. We just want authenticity. And you know what? of the most are the ones who put on airs we just want authenticity and you know what i think lala she just is who she is even if it is you know a disaster yes and even even though technically now she has lego face she looks like she's on the lego movie even though she has now auditioned for the playmobil movie she is still doing great things for us. I mean, girl, listen. Please, people, stop doing Groupon surgeries. They're not things you buy on Groupon. And someone is giving her some free-ass Instagram

surgery. You know, I actually looked at her Instagram last night and considering that she did get blow-up doll surgery, it's actually settling kind of nicely. I think it looks much better than it did you know two months ago so you know i'm happy for lala about that i was afraid she went too far but it may not have been as bad as we originally thought yeah the original pictures we saw were terrifying but they were bad they were really bad but she's so beautiful anyway you know she didn't have to do a single thing lala you didn't have to do a single thing well the girls start right away with

them they walk in and of course james is like hello there darlings he comes in acting like a total jackass of course he literally is like hi guys what's up and katie goes i think you're not at this table yeah i don't think you're at this table and so he grabs a bottle from their their private bottle service or whatever, which is free. I love how everybody's acting like they're paying for bottle service when you win an OK party. OK, OK, it's cheap, but it ain't that cheap. Yeah, they even said, yeah, open bars. Stassi was the one who was like, you don't talk shit about someone and then drink their alcohol.

I'm like, you didn't buy a bitch. It was for the cast. It's their alcohol, too, believe it or not. Yeah yeah but um yeah they so like as soon as katie does that and by the way when katie did that like i nearly just like got up and did like a special dance i was like band of pump rules is back but um she's like you can't sit with us so that's just sets off james and lala i mean they were ready to go anyway they were just waiting for the first excuse and as soon as they did that wow they just they just started going in on this group and i loved it it was so immature but it was so perfect and they basically said everything we've been saying on this podcast already yeah because they all were

doing it i mean james and lala were the worst but katie starting that way and then stassi following up and then sheena like i haven't snapch out for like two hours and i still wouldn't even snapchat your stupid face and he's like oh wow lovely nose sheena is that new which and then it looks good your nose looks so good and i love when james gets belligerent because he gets so gay i love it because you know what like a foppish british insult is one of the best insults there can be oh second to you are uh which which is pretty much the level of this fight. And when he said that to Sheena, she turned away. And she really, her nose, she's one of those people who gets a nose job only looking at themselves from the front. She's like, I don't look different.

Just keep taking it off. She looks like she's putting her nose up against the shopping window and looking to see what's inside the store. It's completely flat. Why would you do that to yourself? I know. She didn't need to do any of it in the first place. But yeah, so James and Lala are geeked up and they're going. They're just like, they're just going in.

And I just love like Katie's simpering attacks, which was sort of like she's like, usually when you're not friends with someone and you're, you, like, talk shit on them, you don't walk up, like, where they're sitting and hang out like it's normal. Yeah, she goes, yeah, like, I'm willing to work things out with Lala, but I don't want to have to, like, sear at parties I'm at. Yeah. But the best part is that like when katie said that stassi had just said it stassi was like hey we're not friends so like it's not normal for like people who aren't friends to sit with us and katie's like yeah you know what we're not friends it's like not normal for like not friends to sit with each other i'm like oh katie is back in full psychic mode just saying whatever Saucy says.

And then Lala, just out of nowhere, is like, well, I can see everyone here has not been working on their summer bodies. So great. They're like, how dare you? And James goes to Katie, are you pregnant? Congratulations. Congratulations on your baby growing inside of you. Wiggy wiggy. I was like like not as good as Lala's but okay He's like basically Kelly

Let Lala take the lead with the insults He basically fights like Kelly from OC So Sheena's like Get out Get out You get the fuck away You're not allowed to have any of the prime cocktails It's all not happening for you Let's walk away. And she stands up. You're not allowed to have any of the prime cocktails.

It's all not happening for you. That is orange wine. No way. They were drinking like some kind of orange wine. And she stands up and she pushes him. And she's kind of getting, I mean, physical with him. But he drops his cranberry juice. he starts jerking off with a glass of cabernet or something what did i say cranberry oh my god even that's a better name than the

cocktails at pump strawberry martini cranberry cranberry uh then he throws it all over them they're like oh my god blah blah blahala's like, have I said main stuff? Yes. But they act like their shit doesn't stink. Well, I love that then Kristen. Well, so when he does that, Jax goes and starts like, you know, does this whole thing, takes off his jacket. He goes, he's going to punch them. But, of course, he can't do anything because he's on probation.

But Kristen goes over and starts yelling at Lala. And I don't even remember what Kristen was yelling. But I love Lala's response was, what? What? What? What? What? She goes, get away.

I'm trying to sit at the table like you told us. Kristen's yelling in her face. What? Yeah, that's like crazy deranged face. So funny. and wet yeah that's like crazy deranged face so funny so tom and ariana show up and she was like wow you might notice that wow you might notice that the floor is wet because your friends came over and called us fat and took our alcohol maybe it's out on my Snapchat. It was

like the cranberry juice, but just imagine it without the puppy dog ears. I made my cranberry juice look like it was voting today. And Katie, who is just so mortified that the disrespect people would use in her presence

goes yeah and that whore has no brain in her head the rules on this show so ariana goes uh i just saw them and they gave me no indication that they were gonna do this yeah well they were like whoa they based tom and ariana were like whoa what do we walk into that this is crazy because we just saw them they didn't seem like they were all like hyped up or whatever and then katie's like well i know you guys are close now so and then that's when and then tom's like no bubba like don't be like that don't be passive she's like no i'm just stating a fact that they're close now and so maybe like some you know cuntiness ripped out like rubbed off on her like you know how they found osama bin laden they asked his friends who were also terrorists and we haven't even been able to

interview them because they're still at gitmo because they're dirty terrorists so like you guys be friends with whoever you want but and then tequila katie now is mad at schwartz like why can't you be so hard like when i like when i don't like someone when i don't let someone sit at my table and they get mad at me why can't you be supportive of me yeah he still hasn't learned to be supportive and back me up like just because my opinion is different doesn't mean i'm dramatic and then so now and lala are giving each other cheers like here's to fat people she's like here's the skanks and they're like making cheers or whatever and then uh lala's trying to put on

her lipstick she's wasted she's basically laura dern's mom and in wild at heart she's like getting lipstick all over her face or laura dern and that show. Yes, and Tom and Katie get into a fight about it, and Tom nails it, totally nails it, when he's like, yeah, Katie's awful again, because Stassi is back, so I'm not going to inherit her crutches. We're all just eating the popcorn, like, give us more.

Stassi, hang out with Katie. More, please. I want my own crutches, bubba. Bubba. hang out with katie more please i want my own crutches bubba bubba then they cut they're cutting back and forth between james and lala and the girls talking shit about them so they cut over to lala and lala goes yeah like tom i mean tom's over there just into his fat girlfriend so mean also enjoy going to the water park in your winter body also what's so stupid about this is katie is not even fat she looks good and she looks even thinner than i mean last year maybe she was a little bit i mean she was hiding behind trays but this year like she actually looks like

she's lost weight, and who cares? Yeah. I mean, everything's on a sliding scale with this show. And by the way, any time we've even been saying that anyone's been pudged, it's basically on the scale of Vanderpump Rules. And you're right. None of them are truly, truly

fat, you know? It's like a combination of la standards and vanderpump rule standards and all that and also just being a bitch so like we have to point it out but also uh the girls are talking and they're like i can't believe that that girl would say that like i mean she thinks she's gonna be 20 katie's like oh wait this was later huh when she's like she thinks she's gonna be 20 forever am Katie's like, oh, wait, this was later, huh? When she's like, she thinks she's going to be 20 forever. Am I skipping ahead? Well, basically what happens now is that Tom goes over to talk to James.

And he's like, you know, I like the guy, but, you know, like, he's lost. So he talks to James. James is like, oh, you know, like, you know, they're just so mean. They're so fucking mean. And Tom's like, dude, man, you got to, like, stop insulting everyone all the time. And he's like you gotta dude man you gotta like stop insulting him whenever all the time and he's like but i i just go off and he's like you gotta control that man yeah tom's just yelling now for no reason he starts at yelling he comes over he goes hey guys you call people fat and slug cranberry why not cranberry like just because it's called ocean spray doesn't mean you gotta spray it everywhere

that's like throwing acid on people there's so much acid in there oh christina so uh he goes yeah dude i would throw my drink at you too if you got my girlfriend fat and he goes oh she's fat then it's like you don't have anything to worry about there. Our round looks great. And then Tom's scolding him, and James is like, no, bloke. Listen, Mr. Sandoval. My dad just left yesterday. My dad just left yesterday. Dude, get over it. My parents are divorced, too.

But it was yesterday. It was yesterday. Thomas, I just don't know how to deal with this. He actually literally said that then they cut to last year when he's like i don't want you to break up a daddy moment she's like don't cry so then over at the other table katie is now really drunk which is great and she's like she she tries to get ariana. She's like, Anna, Anna, I feel like you need to know one of my really close friends, very close, with her boyfriend's wife, for reals, married, kid, bought her a fucking Range Rover. I'm like, what are you talking about?

I think she's dating some old married dude who bought her a Range Rover. But look. I had to figure it out. I mean, we later figured it out. She was basically saying that Lala's dating someone who has a wife and kids. But at that moment, I was like, what is Katie saying? She literally made no sense. Rihanna?

It's really close. So you don't think that Lala's the one who got a range rover i thought she was saying that the husband bought lala a range rover and i was gonna say like score i mean i think that that's called winning in this group yeah no that's what that's what it ultimately was what she was ultimately saying was that lala's boyfriend has a whole like wife and kids and the boyfriend got Lala a Range Rover. Good. Then Lala won, Katie.

I mean, what do you have, really? A new apartment in the Val. A toy car. Yeah. Congrats on your new rental, you loser. So Stassi is like, oh, my God. A sugar daddy isn't somebody who's married with four kids. And then Katie's like, yeah you don't date married men honey

oh girl you better watch your boyfriend because lala is fucking him she is gonna fuck that guy at one point just to get you yeah that's on the man it's not on lala agreed yeah so let's see here uh lala and ariana lala and arianaala and Ariana. They basically... Did you catch Stassi smoking weed in the background? No. They were passing around one of the little vape things. Which I thought was funny that they got that on camera. Because Stassi's apparently a big pothead.

Oh, good. And let's see. Then Lala starts sobbing. She's like, yeah, but why can't they say whatever I want? I can retaliate! And she starts sobbing. Now you've got two sobbing she's like yeah but why can't they say whatever i want that i can retaliate and she starts sobbing now you've got two sobbing meth heads who just came in and like shit all over the party and now they're the ones crying hilarious and lalika's these girls like i can read them like a book i won't because i don't because i can't read because i'm illiterate. But I can bug them.

So Tom starts yelling at the whole group now. He's like, oh, so I guess you're not going to lead with example. And they're not going to lead by example. So no one's going to lead by example then. This is great. And Katie's like, well, fine. Like, okay, why don't you just get a shirt that says I'm with Bin Laden and he's like I can't be friends with someone

just because they don't like you don't like them fuck you he leaves and Ariana just kind of mopes on out of there in her tight little dress we have a comedy show to go to I'm sorry bye everyone guys I'd love to stay here but game

bye I'm sorry but it's everyone. Guys, I'd love to stay here, but game. Bye! I'm sorry, but it's time for sketch comedy, and I take that very seriously. You guys, I am gonna go yes and instead of no but. Okay? So, then it's the next day or so, and we're

at Villa Rosa, and guess what? It's Hanky and Panky in the water. Hanky, darling. You know schnooks, don't you, darling? Is he putting his nose up your skirt? That's our schnooks. Say hi to the ponies. Hello to the chickens.

Say good morning, seagulls. Have you given a hug to the donkey? What about the kitty cats? It's like, Jesus Christ, that place must smell like pee. Yeah. This was Katie who had come over to Lisa's house because Katie wants to be Lisa's assistant. I love her ladder, her career ladder. From waitress to assistant.

I don't know. To salt and paper, marrier to assistant i don't know to sell paper marrier to assistant yeah that actually is not even a sideways move that is down so 30 hours six hours a day please tell me you at least make 200 dollars waiting tables yeah so katie is going there she wants to be the assistant because she wants to learn so much from her which is funny because we know katie's incapable of learning anything so she's there and then you know after a little bit of talk about i'll pay you for six hours one day a week katie's like great by the way lala and james came in last night and they spilled drinks on all of us and they were mean to us and they body shamed us it was so rude and lisa goes who lala and And then Katie's like, also,

La La's boyfriend has a wife and kids, and the boyfriend got her a Range Rover. Like, it's so inappropriate. Oh, she's like, I'll talk to him. And she goes, I had higher hopes for James. Calling Katie fat isn't what I saw for his future. But to be fair, who does? You know, like, who sees that that i saw a pizza oven that's

always cooking with cd record albums that never end the sad thing is that the higher hopes for james's future really are not that much higher than calling katie fat it's just like barely above that katie was wearing this little blazer and it had a patch on it that says oops academy is a new scripted podcast that follows ava richards played by hbo's industries my holla herald a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat or be eaten world ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own,

she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death.

Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. the words black history. Rosa Parks, reconstruction, MLK, February, black history month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th.

Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. That's so Katie. I did not see that. I think that's just so Katie. I could just see her walking to the store and being like, oh my God, it says oops. And don't even tell me the price. Just put it on my PayPal.

Oops. Jackson Britt over, everyone got a new apartment this year basically they all got a raise of a hundred dollars a week or some shit and they're like that's it we're getting one bedrooms yeah so jackson brit moved down to koreatown they're on wilshire boulevard somewhere and no nice try editors they're They're like, Jackson, Brittany, Hollywood. It's like, that's a stretch. Yeah. But okay. That's Wilshire Boulevard.

It said so right there. It said Wilshire Boulevard. So they're like talking. Brittany's like painting a wall. And then Jax, again, is like talking about this rumor that he's starting. And she's like, Jax, stop it. Stop spreading that rumor. And he's like, but it was Tom.

It was Tom who said it. Classic Jax. He's like, does my butt look nice while I'm putting this tape on the ceiling? He's like, yeah, but it was nicer when Kristen had her head up it. That was amazing. Stop it, Jax. All right. I won't say anything else about the fact that you two were muff diving.

JX! Brittany's so stupid. She's like, Look, I have kissed girls drunk before, but Kristen did not go down on me. I am strictly dick-tly. That's also the name of the local supermarket she went to growing up. Strictly dick-ly. But she didn't even say Strictly Dickly. It was Strictly Dicktly.

Stupid. Say beyond blank. So she's doing all the work, and he's just sitting there watching her. And then he's like, are we done? I'm hungry. She's like, shut up! He's like, all right, I got to call and tell the skywriter that the gig's off for today it's like i will be sitting at this picnic table working on your bills in texas until you have

something nice to say to me like how about you stop doing everything why doesn't he do anything i know and then meanwhile elsewhere uh katie and tom's we see katie and tom's new apartment and what i thought was really funny here this is i felt like this is a very ronnie observation i And then, meanwhile, elsewhere, we see Katie and Tom's new apartment. And what I thought was really funny here, this is a very Ronnie observation, I feel like, of me. But when they cut to Katie and Tom's new apartment, the generic music on the soundtrack was going, Hey, la-la, la-la, la-la. I was like, that's just cruel. That's just, we're going to Katie's place.

You're fat. Fat. I mean, they might as well just play a song that said winter bodies, winter bodies. I wish we could do the music for these shows. I know it would just be us on voiceover. Like winter body. You're not a nobody. If you got a summer body

spring body so tom tom's like babe if things don't work out we still have to stick together because of our dogs and our blackboard that says bubba over and over yeah yeah that so their new apartment somehow it actually looks smaller and more cramped and cluttered than their last apartment i feel like this was actually a downgrade and on top of that they were like let's let's give sheena a run for her money with terrible art on the wall self-involved art like let's put a giant chalkboard canvas thing on the wall that says katie babe bubba bubba bubba bubba they also got a another reason uh for tom to ignore katie another dog uh look if you are worried about being fat shamed please don't get

a pet and name it butter i didn't even notice that like who does that and the other dog's name is gordo which is fat isn't there a restaurant called Gordo? So you have fat butter, and you're worried about being body shamed. Girl. She's like, I have a hamster named Snickers. I got a pet iguana named Cupcake. So the girls are coming over, or the girls do come over, and Stassi's like, Hey, it's our first, she goes, happy first wedding talk.

I bedazzled some glasses. Yeah. I Pinterested my favorite festive bridal cocktails. These are the women that give Pinterest a bad name. You know when people say, ugh, Pinterest. It's because of these four women right now. It's because of Stassi's. Because you know that Stassi goes on and leaves, like,

bitchy comments on other people's things. Like, am I supposed to believe those are rhinestones? Nice flatware, bitch. She's just a Pinterest troll I've never seen somebody make corks look so ugly loser

how about you just take those draperies down it's a bad trolling she just has a bad trolling she's like I don't like your wall color she's like the most boring troll ever. Those doilies literally remind me of the time I shot my pants. This welcome mat doesn't make me feel welcome. Thanks for piping up.

How about you stop stepping in dirt and they won't need a welcome mat. Okay, how about that? Literally, I want to slice my feet off so I don't have to step on your stupid fucking mat so they're talking about wedding plans and katie's like okay guys well i'm thinking like you know like a generic maybe purple cotton one size fits all for the bridesmaids dresses because we all have different body types stassi's like whatever fatty i'm wearing a two okay i don't care if i have to do meth and cut off half of my ass i'm gonna be in a two so stop talking about cotton right now okay bitch she's like we defended you last night but the truth is we're working on our summer bodies

so don't you dare put us in that purple frock and tom's like well well, winter bodies. I started laughing. Stassi's like, that's more embarrassing than when I shit myself. And then they all start talking about how they've all shit themselves. They're like, well, we are working on our summer bodies, so we're just shitting a lot. Yeah, this is like the entire end half season of Real Housewives of Dallas taken care of in like five seconds. They're like, yep, we all shit ourselves. Next. So over at Pump, James and Lala are chatting and Lala is basically like,

hey, I think we're kind of like bad influences on each other, you know? So maybe we shouldn't like be such bad influences. She's literally cross-eyed, by the way, right now when she's talking to him. Did you notice that? No, I didn't. I don't know if she's drunk so much

that now that she's sober, her eyes still don't work properly. But she's cross-eyed. She's like, we need to be a healthy influence on each other. And he's like, well, I'm not going to just make things up, all right? Like, last night what happened was people were horrible. And then I called Katie fat because she is. Now can I get back to spinning?

Coachella's next month and I have to get ready to not be there. The Buddha Bar CD from 1998 isn't gonna press play on its own I've got a really big gig at Arby's next week so then over at the girls they're still talking and they're like oh my god they are so immature like

can you believe Lala like what does she think she's gonna be thin and young forever i mean it's like we're in our 40s and they're 20 and i was like um exactly at least you guys are finally catching up with what's really happening on this show and i i like that katie's like you know i gave lala a chance i really did i'm like where was that chance yeah what was that i don't remember that either but to be fair you know one thing that lala said in the previous scene that was amazing was that she just starts going in on sheena she's like i think it's so cute when sheena comes up and thinks anyone

gives a fuck about anything she says like next bitch please she's an idiot and she had to marry a man who doesn't even speak okay which is true i mean lala but i love she lie i love she too i think she is like an adorable ball of self-delusion but adorable is the key word there and then back at the girls kristen's like i don't even go to pump anymore like i afford it because james is always there getting wasted didn't you just get kicked out like last year and say suck a dick Diana or eat a dick Diana or was that two years ago?

Yeah, exactly. Oh, sorry. I was just going to say cut back to James going here I'll say it. Sorry but Stuffy is a bitch. And Lala goes I think she's hot. She's like Katie is blobbish i think she said that katie's blobbish yeah she's like yeah katie's a useless blob i mean i know

it's fucked up for me to say that but she's blobbish it's kind of funny because katie was referred to as a blob several times in this episode whether it's from katie herself she's like she keeps calling me a blob and then someone would be like katie's a blob and she's like she's a blob ish it's just like katie she's it's like you know what like i'm not trying to make it political i'm but like it's like when donald trump calls hillary a crooked hillary and you say it enough times that people are like she's a crook it's like katie you should stop referring to the times that lala calls you a blob because it's gonna stick sooner or later which is also both true how interesting that you brought up two real things just kidding no i'm just kidding i'm just

kidding i'm just pissing you off for fun okay so katie oh yeah so they're still talking about how they're like still young and i'm like lol okay. Okay, so Lisa and James have their talk. And it's basically the same Lisa and James talk as always. Stop acting like this, James! He's like, but my dad! I'm not buying it, James! But my mom! No, James!

But I knew a dead person! No, I don't care, James! I saw a pine cone the other day. No, James, that's not enough. I'm going to bake you into an empanada if you don't change this behaviour immediately, James. James, you're a little bitch and an asshole.

But Lisa, that was very comforting to me. It felt like my dad was back. He's like, I will leave here. And he's like, no leave here and he's like does anyone understand why grimace is here no that's just katie oh i get my blobs confused the blob the blob katie you're not a blob you're a blob. But it's kind of funny that people call you one. I just like that word, blob. I like that that's the most... Yeah, exactly. That's why it's funny. On this show, which is the...

I mean, in one episode, it's been about eating puchang, chola hair. What else has happened? Terrible... I mean, there's a lot going on, but the most offensive word is blob. Everyone's like, oh my god.

I think the reason why it's so funny that people keep calling Katie a blob is she is not a blob, but there's something about her personality that is very blobbish. It is. Yes. It's not even a physical thing. You're just a blob. It's just her aura is blob. I'm reading your aura right now. Blob. It's just her aura is blob. I'm reading your aura right now. Blob.

It's like sad. You're the blob tool on Photoshop right now. Yeah. You kind of feel like if you threw her aura at a wall, it would just sort of stick there and very slowly creep down. And wait until Stassi tells it to start creeping down. Okay, blobbish. Blobbish knobbish. Katie, don't draw a dance.

Katie. No, wait. What are you going to ask Katie? Katie, what do you think about scrunchies? You guys, welcome our guest Katie. Katie bangs. Go. Bangs are like like, very in. The end. That was a nine-page WordPress.

I gave Bangs a chance, okay? I gave Bangs a chance. But you know what? Bangs are not allowed to sit at this table anymore. Because I'm an assistant now. Give peas a chance. All we are saying is give peas a chance all we are saying is give pizza okay well that brings us to the end of Vanderpoop rules welcome back betches well come back love to the season very

great so next up real housewives of the Orange County? Yeah, let's do it. Arhawk Reunion Part 1. Yes. I'm running out of time code. One hour and 27 minutes. Girl. Oh, my God. This is going to be a long episode. So Orange County, it starts out with the usual pre-show hubbub.

And I like that Andy comes into Tamara'sra's dressing room and he's like you know historically reunions bring out a very ugly side to you and tamra's like well i'm gonna use my words better and then they cut to her being like shut up you old lady well she didn't curse he's like historically you are a scary-faced possum sitting on top of a dumpster in an alley, screeching at people and terrifying them. She's like, ha! Jesus bitch! He's like, okay, good. Good talking to you. Andy's questions are... Andy's kind of useless

still. Sorry. Shotskies! Well, he starts off... Sorry. No, I'm just making Andy face. I'm trying to practice Andy impersonation in my mirror because there's something he does where he holds his his tongue down at the bottom of his mouth guys i'll get it down i'll get it down one day well he starts off the reunion with all the typical really obnoxious questions he's like hey vicky rumor has it you got an eye job is that true and she's like

oh yeah but still it's like oh and then he and he says to like tamra like i was very excited about your ass it was amazing like how do you it's just it's so obnoxious every single time hi vicky hi kelly hi tamra highlighting person hi guy who wiped off the couch before this episode began, high person answering the phone. It's like, Jesus, we get it! When Vicky talked about her eye job, she's like, why would I even deny it? I got an eye job. There!

I got my job! She's already starting out so crazy. And my question is, who gets their eyes smaller in an eye job? It's like the weirdest eye job. It looks good. But who gets their eyes shrunk an eye job? It's like the weirdest eye. It looks good. But who gets their eyes shrunk? I honestly did not even see a difference. I bought my eyes to be more closed.

Make it happen. I don't care. I don't care how you do it. Just do it. So Shannon got emergency cupping, which is nice. Ow! Ow! Ah! Ah! Am I thinner? which is nice uh ow ow ow ah ah is that what'd she say am i thinner how'd she end up uh when they uh when they're talking about uh megan's baby it's like even even the mention of megan's baby

i'm like i'm falling asleep thank god it was only a sentence but he's like megan you're having a baby vicky goes he goes when is it due she goes december 5 December 5th! And Vicky goes, oh, I love December 5th. It's like, I had a baby on December 5th. I've known a baby. I knew a baby one time on December 5th. Jeez, just let her have her own hello for Christ's sake. She's like, well, I'll be my friend now. Why don't you come to my side?

So, speaking of Vicky, the reunion begins with a video package that's like the arc of Vicky, where begins with a video package that's like the arc of vicky where you see her groveling for apology for to be forgiveness and then everything seems fine and then the season ends with everyone hating her again so um which is great i love that i love watching that whole thing i love that they just bring up brooks again right at the beginning like remember brooks oh and vicky's like why do we still have to talk about brooks yeah she's like she's like

i think i probably would have been a bit more megan-ish if i would she's like i just was i was really busy and i was like i was too busy to look into his lies i think i would have been more megan-ish i just i don't even like to say his name but like i believed him i should have been like megan you know like bing or whatever she's doing google yeah that like i wasn't paying attention i'm busy. We started selling cul-de-sac insurance. Yeah. Huge, huge company.

Cul-de-sac insurance for people with cancer. You know, because you don't want your life to end in a cul-de-sac. So, you know, dead end. So then Heather was coming at Vicky and was saying, like, no, you said that i can't wait to die so i can be in heaven to be with brooks again and then they're all they're like oh my god oh my god like then they're all start like fighting like is brooks even gonna be in heaven well what makes you think brooks is gonna be in heaven i was like how about are any of you bitches gonna be in heaven because i don't see it happening only my meanwhile is gonna be in heaven like no one else is ever gonna

make it and i like vicky's response she's like but yeah but i want to see a lot of people that i do in heaven like when i die like i want to be like hey it's my bell man he's in heaven i'm seeing you right now it's crazy because you know like heaven's like life but it's like cleaner streets and everybody's insured i i actually did not have an issue with Vicky saying that. Like, you know, they were coming down on her. I don't know if I'm jumping ahead or not, but they were coming down on her for saying that, like, in Ireland, she's like, oh, I kind of miss Brooks. I think that's, like, fine. Even though Brooks is shady, they did have nice times together.

None of us ever liked Brooks. She got a cancer charity tax shelter out of it and he got a whole brand new pair of teeth i mean she bought him like cadillac teeth i mean that is a bond okay that's not just like an innocent breakup i just like how these women are are so they're so nasty that they won't allow one person to have like a moment of nostalgia they're like not allowed she's like yeah but in ireland she's like well in ireland i was sad because, you know, I got those flowers from Steve, which I didn't send myself. And they're like, yes, you did. She's like, no, I didn't.

I didn't send them to myself. But, you know, like I was dancing with that guy. Remember, I was like, Hamas! In that bar. The Irish guy jingled on my face. And then, you know, he tasted like ham, let's be honest. And I was like, Brooks. Brooks.

I miss Brooks. I miss Brooks. That was my nickname for him Brooks. I miss Brooks. I miss Brooks. It's going to be Fash. That was my nickname for him. It's going to be Fash. And then Shannon's like, well, remember me when you lied a month and a half before the season began? And you said you missed Brooks. It was like the dumbest fight to start off with.

And Vicky's just ready to go. She's going way too hard. And so is Kelly. But Kelly won, I think. But Vicky's going way too hard. And she's like, But Kelly won, I think. But Vicky's going way too hard. And she's like, oh, you want to talk about life? Don't go there. Don't go there, Shannon.

And Shannon goes, keep pointing, lady. And she's like, yeah. You want to go there? You want to go there? You want to go there? Should I invite David's mistress? You want to go there? Hey, you want to go there?

Beat the clock. Oh, I'm sorry. I said beat. Vicky, I kind of enjoyed how Vicky was being kind of unapologetically awful to Shannon. You know? And I love Shannon. But Vicky kind of had Shannon's number in my estimation because, you know, Shannon was like – Vicky kept on saying she didn't want to talk about Brooks anymore.

She's like, do we have to talk about Brooks anymore? Do we have to? And then Shannon's like, well, let's keep talking about David's affair, which happened a year before the Brooks thing. And Vicky just goes, well, you're with him. I'm not with Brooks. You're with him. That was your choice. I was like, yikes.

And then Megan starts openly laughing. Megan's like, look, I don't even know what I'm doing here. I quit like three weeks ago. But I will take the free bottles of water. She's like, I'm just really upset because someone's been trolling me on Pinterest. All right, who made fun of my welcome mat on Pinterest? I made that out of corks. I was so happy about the drapes I found on Pinterest,

and someone just said take them down. They weren't even funny about it. So then let me see here. So they're asking, oh, wait, what does Kelly think about Brooks? Okay, so Andy's like, Kelly, what do you think about Brooks being a cancer liar? And she's like, well, I don't really know about him because, like, I've watched the show, but I've watched some of it. Up until the season lydia was there and then i stopped well it's like that was so rude and like lydia or bust she goes of

course i watch the show because unlike these ladies i have worked at a corporation like these ladies have never worked at a corporation and i can tell you that when you work at a corporation you do your research sounds like oh way to corporation same kelly yeah and shannon was like so mad but she didn't really have a comeback you could see in her face like listen here young lady i have worked at things i have a i have a hillary clinton desk that makes me a worker you want to talk about corpse eration here lies shannon bedore dead from being hurt by Kelly insinuating that she's

never had a job. Here lies Shannon Bedore, killed by a stack of her resumes that went out to employers. LinkedIn could have saved her. Came too late. Here lies Shannon Bedore, killed by a mound of exit interviews because she worked so well. came too late. Here lies Shannon Medora, killed by a mound of exit interviews

because she worked so well. Oh my God. So, let's see here. Shannon, I don't know why Shannon, I was typing so much in this. I don't know why Shannon said this, but I was laughing so hard. She goes, well, the Bible says forgive,

but that doesn't mean let someone in your life who is horrible to you. It's like, uh, kind of. The Bible says forgive. It doesn't say to have lunch with people you don't like, basically. And Vicky's like, oh, okay. Well then, bye-bye, Felicia. Get off my show. Bye-bye. Goodbye.

Bye, Felicia. Press zero to go back to the menu, Felicia. Okay? Special. Tamara was so mad that Vicky got to say bye, Felicia, Felicia. I don't like to get off my show. Press zero to go back to the menu, Felicia. Okay? Special. Tamara was so mad that Vicky got to say bye, Felicia, before her. You could see her. But meanwhile, also, notably, because Vicky had been like, do we have to keep talking about Brooks? And she was getting mad. And Andy was like, Andy turned to Vicky and was like, this is the question.

And then we're going to move on. And she just rolled her eyes and threw her hands up in the air. He was going mad. Bye-bye, Felicia. Vicky, what was Vicky saying when she goes, I told you, if you want to know, call ding-diddle-dee-dong-dong-ding-ding-dong. Go ahead. I'm not going to say his name. I'm just going ding-dong.

You know, ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-dong-dong-dong. Everyone's like, okay, never mind. And now she's being racist. Was she talking about calling Brooks? I think so, but Megan was very confused. She was like, was that a doorbell? I need to know. Hashtag knowledge.

Hashtag doorbell. Hashtag, I just put a doorbell on Pinterest. And they forgot her keys again. Stop getting up. Why do he keep getting up sit down spice show sit down on my show so vicky vicky says that she's keeping her distance from the lady because i guess i guess andy asks like what's the status of you and the ladies now and because like you know i'm keeping my distance which they all like laugh at because it's not up to her. And then, like, Chan's like, well, there's never a chance

for friendship with Vicky again. Never, ever, ever. It's like, bum, bum, bum. And Andy's like, so, Jesus, Tamara, you're still sticking with that? And then they cut to Mia, like, Psalms 2319 says, bitch not, bitch not. Okay, bitch?

It's like, nah, I'm totally into it. Bible study with Mia. Also, we did squats. Squats for Jesus. So we get now it's time for like a Tamara update. So we learned that her daughter still isn't really speaking to her, but that she and Simon are actually getting along, but obviously not getting along enough for them all to get together.

I had all the kids to talk to all of them, which is pretty sad. If you ask me, I guess, but we've also learned that they're getting along because Tamara turned the son against Simon. So Simon turned the daughter against Tamara, Tamara turned the son against Simon.

So now nobody's talking. What a fucking idiots. He goes, Andy goes, do you blame yourself for Ryan being such a fucking loser and she's like yes I do bitch well you're basically

this is the shortest trial we've ever had you can go now inherit the fart so let's see I'm trying to be the peacekeeper so tamra i'm not perfect oh god this is my least favorite thing that people say but look sorry i'm not perfect okay like i'm just not perfect like we're all sinners i was like that is not your excuse to be a rank bitch and then just come back and be like look said i'm sorry well it's also especially troublesome if she's you you know, angry

at this person for gossiping and that person for saying that, and then you say, well, but I'm not perfect. You know, you can't have it both ways. Obnoxious. And then Andy's like, so Kelly, do you think that Tamara's a good Christian? I love that. Which is the dumbest question.

And she goes, no. And Tamara's like, why? Tamara is ready to jump over the couch already like her eyes are that furious and she's tapping her foot already and kelly goes because you're like two-faced kelly god literally has three faces you can't be getting mad at a christian for being two-faced okay there's like they worship three different entities that are in the same person i'm not familiar but kelly well you've been you've done been educated now do some push-ups well kelly says tamra's two-faced and tamra like can't believe it tamra's like i was nice to you until i couldn't put up with your crap anymore i'm like yeah that makes you a bad christian because you didn't put up with her crap.

Basically, we started at Genesis and I was like, don't be mad at the snake. We're already at Revelations, okay? Frogs are raining on your head, bitch. I seriously don't know what you mean. Listen, I don't know really what makes for a good Christian because I'm Jewish and I don't really know the official standards. But when I look at Tamra and I look at her life before her baptism and after the baptism, I still believe it's probably not an example of a good Christian. Yeah, it's just Tamra in general. Also, another thing that being Christian is not very good for is your place on the show. I mean, she's in the center of the couch.

Embarrassing. And she's the second montage. Awkward. I know. She will be back. Like, the Return to Satan party is definitely the season premiere next time. Listen, if Tamara said, you know, I'm a work in progress, I'd be like, okay, I accept that.

But don't get mad when someone says, no, you're not really a good Christian. Because you're not, Tamara. And it shouldn't matter what other people say. That's a relationship between you and God, nobody else. Okay, there. I was very religious there for a minute, everybody. Get over it. That's the other thing, too. But, I mean, listen, I love that Tamara is not a good Christian. That, I think, is her biggest draw.

I think that she's hilarious on the show, and I think that she's always up to no good. She's always turning the pot. And that's why, as much as I think that she can be so evil, I think that's why she's a necessary part of the Housewives universe. But that being said, it doesn't always add up to being a great Christian. I think we've officially put more thought into tamra's christianity than she has she was basically like people are being mean to me on instagram someone's like be a christian she's like okay bet and so then of course this like christianity discussion gets totally off the rails because like shannon says like something and then kelly's like oh oh this is the woman who doesn't

know anything i can't even apologize and then tamra says something and kelly's like i'm not talking to you i'm talking to her like actually we're just talking to tamra this is actually a little part of your tamra conversation but whatever and then tamra's like well i'm talking to you that's how it works here like i don't think anything works here well kelly started doing this thing kelly's kelly's such a child i mean she really is just so immature she fights like a kid and she they're fighting the question was something about being a bad mom right it was like she's like well i wasn't mean to you so you said i was a bad mom bitch and she's like well well what about that time that like um you got back because I called you the C word?

And they're like, that's sushi. We'll get to that later, bitch. And she's like, yeah, well, then what about that time that you got mad at me because the cell phone cover, like I was making fun of private schools? And they're like, different fight. This is a different fight kelly i think like i was having some trouble following the logic in this argument here but i think that what happened was that when when tamra's like i was nice to you until you insulted like the mom like my like me as a mom and then and then kelly was like i was retaliating because what you said to me and she's like yeah but like i forgave you

before like for instance when you call me a dumb fuck i forgave you for that and megan's like yeah you did yeah you did and then tamra's like yeah so i forgave you she's like yeah but like no and i was just i think what they were i think i couldn't even follow but i think that kelly was was trying to allude to the fact that tamra came after kelly in the bar in ireland first and that's what set Kelly off. Oh, God. Who even knows? I'm trying to like... But she did, because remember, Tamara told... Shannon went right up to Tamara

and immediately told Tamara, oh, no, wait, this was before. Why did she say... Oh, because it was the flicking nose thing. The nose flick heard around the world, remember? I think that what Kelly's point was that... Because Tamara was saying, I was always nice to you until you came for me. And she was like, no, you came for me in Ireland for no reason. I think that's what she was trying to say. But, of course, it's Kelly.

She can't really get it out properly. I don't know. I'm actually proud that Tamara was like, you flick people's noses. That's assault. Because that's usually her MO. But everyone was confused because the fight kept skipping to so many meaningless fights over the year. And Kelly goes, oh, whatever, Tamara. We already hit a moot point here.

Yeah. And Tamara was so mad for some reason. Because Kelly has taken Tamara on. I mean, no one takes Tamara on on like this first of all people cower when tamra enters or she starts fighting they usually care except for vicky but megan i mean kelly not only is taking her on she's fighting like tamra she's fighting so dirty and low and not even making any kind of sense and that's what Tamara does. She does not know how to deal when someone's throwing it back in her face. Hilarious to watch.

She was furious. Yeah. Tamara was livid. She was clenching her jaw. She was very, very angry. And Andy's like, well, you guys might have remembered that Megan got a diamond from Jim. But was he off base when it came to catching the baby and keeping

score? I know. Shut up. We had the Megan montage and I was like, so Megan, are you going to be having a natural birth or whatever? She's like, yeah, I want to have a natural birth. I'm reading a lot of books.

I really want a vaginal birth. Because she's been reading books. Then they showed a picture of the baby inside of her. It looks like one of those screws you put on a door and then a little latch goes through it. A little hook goes into the circle. You know what I mean?

Yes. What are they called? It looked like one of those. It looked like one of those circle screws it's like lol she swallowed a screw and she's not even pregnant i just loved how this was just the most boring segment of all time it was so boring that they had to actually switch on to heather oh my god andy was like here's a fake tissue for your fake tears okay heather yeah and yeah basically it was like they're talking about jimmy and like why wasn't jimmy there during the intro fertilization and then and then someone was like was like like more like why was jimmy acting like terry debro and not being there and heather's like, whoa, wait a second. Let me tell you something.

That is not fair, what you just said about Terry. And he's like, actually, that was Bridget from Fargo who said that. Well, Bridget from Fargo, I was going to build a room for you in my house, and now I've decided not to. Hey, Bridget from Fargo, your movie was way more interesting than your current television show so suck it and then Heather starts talking about how her frozen embryos are immortalized in the etched glass

in her mansion and they're like huh Andy's like really yeah do you watch this show Andy he's like really huh so you have etched glass yeah it's a tree four little birds and then in the center there's these little slimy things those are my eggs they're actually in the glass there's these little slimy things those are my eggs

they're actually in the glass it's like that scene in jurassic park with the amber was this in the cliff notes because i don't remember this so survival of the fittest oh that's horrible to say jesus christ yeah they're talking about the embryo jesus i mean i know we've been a little harsh this episode i'm sorry talking about blobs and whatnot either way i'm sorry but that is literally what it is you know the fittest ones make it in there i don't know i wouldn't have said that upside down I mean I wouldn't have said that if I just read my notes first sorry well basically Andy was talking about Megan's embryo that didn't make it and she

was talking about it and she was like crying I mean she was like a really it really really affects it was like a really you know it's a thing you know and I empathize like you know she was thought she didn't have twins one of her embryos didn't make it and she's like really crying and then Andy just turns to her as she's sitting there with tears coming down her face practically sobbing he goes is that still heavy with you i'm like do you have eyeballs andy

and then heather pulls with vicky and she goes yeah i understand i lost one too okay are we one up one upping each other on the non-existent baby front? I know. IVF tragedy one-upper over there. I can't remember if it happened with you, but I lost one too, everyone. Well, and in vitro, you are implanted with lots of eggs and sperm. And you can have millions of babies. That's why there's so many twins and quadruplets and nine tuplets or whatever in the world. And it's fairly normal to... You don't carry them all to term. I mean, you pick one, you know?

It's like if you got a whole bag of M&Ms, do you eat them all? Or do you just pick the lovely blue one right in the middle? I'll leave that up to you guys to decide on your own, okay? It's a personal decision. I'm completely out of it today. How are we going to do Real Housewives of Atlanta? My Tiago coffee I'm down for my last few sips

And that's all downhill, people I feel like I've been in a bonkers place This entire episode, to be fair And now it's just going to be, I don't know Either way, it's time to move on to the Kelly segment Where Andy goes Well, Kelly is the most polarizing person ever To come on the show

And she's like thanks and all the women are like um wasn't a compliment it's like kelly is a nazi wow thank you i am really on top of my shit uh no not like that like an actual nazi kelly rocked the boat on an actual boat yeah it, it was like that. And it was a clip of Kelly's 90s jokes. Like her MC Hammered. Let's get MC Hammered, et cetera, et cetera. And then it keeps cutting to Heather with her new weird posh soccer mom spice hair.

Whatever's going on there. And she's like giving her evil gerbil look. Like everything's so upset. But then I like that they showed Shannon cracking up at all the 90s jokes. Yeah. I like the 90s jokes. She's like, I mean, even a broken clock is funny a couple of times a week. Unless it's USC.

You know what? So, you know, Kelly, she is polarizing is polarizing and you know and we've talked many times team kelly not team kelly and they're all kind of awful this season but what i do like about kelly is i do i kind of feel like she's an open book i feel like there's no deception going on there and she's awful but i kind of like the authenticity of her awfulness whereas i feel like shannon tamra and heather are being a bit you know they're not they're they're not being totally honest and they're they're trying they're trying to sort of like kind of you know i i can't remember the words trying to get around you know like i don't know i can't speak well they're all

very stuck up they basically all got sticks up their ass and they have they all have fake phony storylines ain't nobody buying any of those storylines and kelly made the first season rookie mistake of actually using her real life she's like i hate my husband he's an asshole we cheat on each other i wanted to leave him but i couldn't because i'm too broke that's a lot of truth to be putting on a TV show. And then Shannon is watching Kelly just be like, no, because really anything they tell Kelly, they're like, wow, you look pretty today. She's like, you are. Maybe you should be less hideous in your face.

You know, we had a we did on our Twitter feed, which is at what crappens on Twitter. We put up a poll six days ago and we said this is right after the finale. And we said Team Kelly or Team Shannon slash Tamara slash Heather. And this was close. But of the people that responded, Kelly won 54 percent of the vote because she just recently got bullied. I mean, those people will always win the vote. Andy goes... Oh, I'm always going to root for the one who was bullied.

Yeah, me too. Even if I'm the one bullying them. I'm like, I hope you win. I know. I've already voted for Katie. So Andy is asking her about regret. She's like, oh my god, I really regret my husband. And he goes, you mean how you treated him and she goes uh yeah that's not what i said and shannon's just scratching her head with one

extended finger i don't know why that was so funny to me but he goes yeah well you did compare him to hitler and she goes yeah because he kept checking my texts as hitler did yes hitler was famously invasive with text messages the jews are all still alive it's just their text message history that was erased what the hell dude well as history has taught us the jews are very funny and hitler was really into reading yvonne's text messages and kelly's like i don't even know why i was checking my text i mean so stupid i was just at home i didn't have nannies or anything i didn't have a staff or anything i was just at home like i don't know who he thinks i'm texting and then tamra gives this look to heather like

can you believe she just said nannies batch well more importantly when when andy asked like what what her regrets are and she said only the way only the way she talked about her husband, when he was like, but what about how you treat the other lady? She's like, no regrets. And then just cut to the other woman on the other couch and just such awkward silence. It was great. Shannon was like, how could you not have a regret, David? David, she has no regrets. And he goes, well, one thing we've noticed is that this show has really helped shannon and david's marriage

we're so happy now that's what real housewives are known for helping marriages jesus i i love that that because then kelly was like yes no because i was like no it's been wonderful and kelly's like yes no i i agree with shannon it's been totally helpful and sh Shannon was like, no, it's been wonderful. And Kelly's like, yes, no, I agree with Shannon. It's been totally helpful. And Shannon was like, oh, fuck. We agree on something. And what? So he goes, did you apologize?

She's like, yes, I was horrified. And he goes, specifically when? I don't even know. And Vicky goes, oh, I know. That's what I called him. And I was like, don't leave. I know you want to leave her right now, but just don't do it. I love that Vicky is just calling him now.

Yeah. Vicky also claimed that she got Michael off the pole, which was hilarious. I know she meant off the ledge, but it was just funny to think that he was possibly stripping somewhere. He's like, I'm so mad I'm going to strip. In a club. Yeah, I talked him talked about the strip club so now tamra is trying to make this about herself and she's like well a narcissistic person rarely changes bats i'm like yeah you have not changed like you can you can put a cross on any living room corner wall you want to bitch but

you still tamra okay yeah and so then it becomes this whole like she knows what a narcissist is and if he was really a narcissist then he wouldn't have changed so it's a misdiagnosis but she's like mad that kelly misdiagnosed well kelly well kelly's great she's like do you have a phd in psychology and tim was like no i don't even know what a phd is and she goes okay then you don't have a phd in psychology so how about you just sit there without a PhD in psychology? She just kept saying it, and Tamara's like, uh, okay. Tamara's like, my PhD is a secret. You know, strong enough for a man, but PhD for a woman?

Eddie uses it, doesn't mean he's gay. Batch. The end. The only secret he has is the deodorant. Eddie's secret stays in the steam room. 70s party. That's 70s. Me and David being so happy.

Same happy. 30 to 40 happy thoughts with David. Happy. Happy. So the 70s parties mess this is the only huge fail of the season that we didn't get more jackie and nina i mean if those two weren't made for an entire season i don't know who was girl bring them back shannon probably told them to go away because it was so obvious that it was a setup that she was like no no no more traces of this and andy's like well can

you see shannon how people would think that you set her up and she goes well i wouldn't do that why i'd throw a party that set someone up why would i buy a wig just to do that and uh he's like well you know you did that girl did say at one point when she was confronting kelly that and then they cut to jackie like it's not going how I think it's going to go. And he's like, doesn't that mean and she goes, no! Well, Nina, Nina, well, parties, Nina.

Nina has a lot of parties to go to and she was just saying she thought this one would be more fun. That isn't how I thought it was going. That's all, David. David. David. He always That's all, David. David. David. He always likes my parties, David.

He kept bringing up more and more stuff. And Shannon is the most obvious liar. She has no game when it comes to lying. Yeah. Well, she was absolutely terrible with her lying. And she was asking these questions like, I mean, why would I throw a party to set you up? Just don't flatter yourself, Kelly. And then Kelly's like, well, then why would you try to force drinks out of my throat in Ireland?

And Sharon's like, but Kelly, no. Kelly, David, David. Yeah, this part ends with her just staring at the ground, furious and mortified that she's been caught. But they're like, okay, well, she's obviously lying. Let's just move on. Well, it's funny because, again, this whole situation lingered for a while. And just a little bit down the line, in a few minutes later, at one point, Shannon was just like, she's mutters.

She's like, I'm not a mutters I'm not a liar biggest lie face ever you can't say I'm not a liar with a face with lie face she totally had lie face I've been playing this game

Secret Hitler, speaking of Hitler this amazing game with hidden roles sent by our listeners. Thank you so much. And I've mentioned it before. And in the game, you know, you're all pretending to be liberals, but secretly some of you are fascists. And every time I've been a fascist, I'm like, listen, guys,

I'm a liberal. Trust me. I don't lie. I can't lie. I'm a bad liar. I'm a bad liar. And the face I have when I say that is Shannon's face. I know it. When she did that, I was like have when I say that is Shannon's face. I know it. When she did that, I was like, oh, that's my secret Hitler face. Oh, Lord. Secret fascist.

I would never. So then it moves on to Vicky. Why did you attack David at that party? Why did you start shit? And she's like, he walked up to me. And then they show the clip of her walking up to him. And he goes, actually, there's a clip of you walking up to him. And then it just cuts to Vicky going, just shaking her head.

To be fair, she was talking to someone, although admittedly at the same table as David, and said, oh, well, Shannon's in her element again. And then David just turns across the table and goes, Vicky, shut the fuck up. So then she walked talking to someone although admittedly at the same table as david and said oh well shannon's in her element again and then david just turns across the table and goes vicky shut the fuck up so then she walked up to him so i mean she started it for sure yeah and then she didn't start it but she was being really dumb to say that right in front of her husband yes and uh megan of course is like well i mean i don't i don't really blame david because i don't think that a woman should get a pass from being yelled at by a man just because she's a woman like maybe that's a millennial in me um actually that's like the woman married to an asshole in you because your husband did the same damn thing with vicky when he started yelling at her and you had to stick up for his ass then and this is a way of you re-sticking up for jim because he gave you some sperm out of a damn trash can from

the 80s megan ain't nobody buying it exactly um so then but we but we go back to um we go back to nina crazy nina and kelly was saying that like you know they were they were talking about what nina was saying and nina had said that kelly sucks cock they were talking about what Nina was saying and Nina had said that Kelly sucks cock. I think that's what the phrase was. And Shannon, again, the worst liar. Shannon's like, listen, no, that's very simple, David. See, Nina has a catchphrase. She loves saying, apparently it's one of her catchphrases.

She loves saying, suck my cock. I mean, I wouldn't say it, but apparently it's just a catchphrase. It wasn't really directed towards Kelly. That's always a catchphrase. You know? And this is when Shannon started her, wow, wow, wow, wow.

I'm watching drama. When I manufacture, I manufacture a good time for people to come over and say their catchphrases. David? David, say your catchphrase. David has a great catchphrase. I think it's, I love you, Shannon. Ha, we're so happy.

You go low, we go romance. We're in love. Make the badoors great again. So now Kelly is doing this thing where she's like, yeah, I'll fight dirty. I don't care. She's like, oh, stoop low, Kelly. Sing chariots or whatever. She's like, oh, well, I like, yeah, I'll fight dirty. I don't care. She's like, oh, stoop low, Kelly. Sing chariots or whatever.

She's like, oh, well, I don't care. I'll fight dirty. Yeah, I'm dirty. That's right. I'm dirty. Shannon's like, well, I'm a good person. She goes, well, I don't feel bad. And Andy goes, yeah, but remember you said you felt bad before and you regretted talking to him like that? She goes, not anymore. And then Shannon smiles like,

well, finally, I've shown the world what miss kelly dot is really like but i'm like shocked yeah i'm like i'm like it makes sense she felt bad at the moment because she thought there was a potential for friendship but now she thinks you're shady so now she's like oh whatever now i'm glad i called her that that makes sense i love that shannon's version of winning points is just completely delusional because you know shannon has watched this whole season like i'm winning she's probably completely shocked when she sees comments on twitter and stuff like you stupid bitch but i was fine and shannon's still like one of my favorite housewives of all time but she totally lost the season if you ask me and i love that kelly when she's like yeah i fight dirty and you know i could just imagine shannon be like well you know what kelly you fight dirty yeah i fight dirty well you know

what you fight damn it she just steals their argument yeah uh so we go to a commercial okay so andy we're back shannon oh wow that's how we came back wow that's how we came back wow here lies Shannon Bedore killed by a commercial break wow so then it becomes this hey does anybody here have severe to minor plaque psoriasis

Kristen's like I have some especially branded for me so now let's start talking about Kelly's affair. Alleged affair. Yeah, alleged affair. Which wasn't really an affair. Maybe technically they were separated. Basically, Kelly was saying, I told you we were separated.

And everybody already knew that I was reengaged to somebody else while I was still married. It's not even a secret. And Shannon's like, yeah, but he was married and living with his wife. And she goes, no, he wasn't. This is your future, Stassi. This is your future. Kelly's argument was on point. She's like, no, he wasn't.

He was married. No, he wasn't. He was married. No, he wasn't. He was with somebody. No, he wasn't. No, he wasn't. No, he wasn't.

He was with somebody. No, he wasn't. No, he wasn't. Well, the thing is this, though, was that Shannon and Tamara, who have gotten all high and mighty about, like, don't gossip about me. Don't spread rumors about me. Keep my name out of your mouth. Like, how could you stoop so low? And here she is.

And she has, like, dug up all this information. Like, you had an affair. And I found out that i looked at all the i looked at all the text messages i'm like you realize shannon you are doing exactly the thing that you are chastising these women for yes and then uh kelly fights back by just throwing shannon back at herself she's like i was having an affair i wasn't having an affair i was cheating i wasn't cheating asking and answering her own questions sh Shannon's like, wait! Ring! Exploding! Shannon was so flustered by this

that she did something amazing. She said, well, I feel very sorry for a family that's been drunk under the mud. I'm like, wow, you mixed three metaphors into one. Thrown under the bus. Thrown mud at. Dragged into the fray. Drunk under the mud!

And Kelly's argument is, I wasn't having an affair he was i love her argument i was like oh okay so it was only one way yeah yeah i mean obviously it's like you know it's it's not good karma to you know date or have a relationship with someone who has a family and that's bad and i i will i don't it's not something i would do and it's not something that i would ever recommend someone to do but i think ultimately at the end of the day the onus is on the person with the family they're they're the one who are really like you know it's like why why is it always blaming the woman yeah and also like in this is a really good moment for Andy because he was like, why do you care? Like, you really, really care, Shannon.

What the hell? It's like, mud. Under mud. Mud people. Mud homes. Is this a game? Am I winning? Nope.

You're not. No whammies. So then Megan says something very confusing because they're talking about whether or not Shannon set up Kelly still. And she goes, well, what I don't understand is that if that was a setup, what was the setup supposed to even be? Like, I don't get it. Kelly goes, duh. I mean, the setup was that she was having two women to come on camera and say that Kelly had an affair in front of her husband at a party. What is confusing, Megan?

Well, it's like, why did Shannon feel the need to set up, uh, Kelly? Well, it's pretty obvious. Kelly was younger and Kelly was gonna be a friend of Vicky's. And, um, she already felt like Kelly was like offensive to her because there was already some bristling. So yeah, it's pretty obvious to me. Yeah. And Shannon, I don't manufacture drama, Kelly.

I do not manufacture drama. Okay. Yeah. Uh, and Shannon, I don't manufacture drama, Kelly. I do not manufacture drama. Okay. So next week, next week, Shannon, you still lactate? She's like, Well, everybody looks awkwardly. I know. David's always

sucking at my nipples, because we're in such a happy marriage. Why would he go find a cow if he's getting the milk for free? David, I told you I'm not on dairy anymore, David. David. Oh, Orange

County. Only five months left of reunions for Orange County. Seriously. Now, Ben. Yes. What would you like to do? We're two hours and eight minutes into this. Well, I think it's time for Atlanta, right?

Let's do it then, Ben. All right. I have a lot of notes, but nothing really happened. I have a lot of notes, but nothing really happened. If you ask me, Atlanta is all personality and not a lot of story. If you ask me.

This is a housewife show. Yes. The plot of this housewife show. Did they seriously just have a tea party? Was that it? The opening, as usual, there's lots of very funny lines. My favorites were probably came from Portia, Cynthia, and Kenya.

I liked Portia saying like, I'm too blessed to be stressed and too sexy to be thirsty. I'm like, oh, I like how they decided that let's rhyme the first two and then just use different words for the next Portia I've missed these women I was actually very surprised how much I miss these women I was very happy to see all of them I'm trying to see where I've got my my I'm doing you the great honor and favor of skipping my first page of notes which are all coming this season oh thank you when nobody needs that we had two hours and nine minutes you you do love recapping a previously on and coming up on i do i do i love getting a whole season in the in a first recap um you can't always get what you want but i can who said that oh phaedra i don't know you can't always get what you want but i can and then cynthia life is a runway and cynthia bailey is ready to walk it alone

boringly god of course cynthia talks about walking in her fucking opening she's so lame yeah that's yeah uh when i said that she was one of my favorites it I said that she was one of my favorites, it's not that she was one of my favorites. It was more that, again, I was like, she was stuck out in my mind. But once again, being boring. Did somebody bring the chips? Because I'm a guacamole.

Oh, shut up, Cynthia. Could you get a more boring opening? And then candy. Now, now, now, now, now I got an ace on my sleeve i got a full deck well i don't remember what she said a full house you were close wow i that was pure memory well she didn't say sleeve she just said now that i have my ace i have a full house see now whatever

happened to predictability? Full house. Kenya, I give people what they want, and they always want more. So you basically underperformed. That's what you're saying. You literally make no effort, is what you're saying. You literally have left them unsatisfied. you're basically a weight watchers frozen meal so sir ray is like don't call it a comeback call it a takeover the recap run uh trash talk tv l boogie said i call it a foreclosure she looked possessed something is wrong with her eyes in this thing it's like they're going in different directions they're twinkling her lip is weird sheree looks like a zombie robot i'm like what

happened to sheree here in this opening credit the most terrifying one to me is cynthia in her confessionals she looks crazy like her her surgery her eyes it doesn't look right she looks like a doll and i mean she's still very beautiful but her surgery looks cuckoo a beautiful doll i didn't know you know you know i never i thought she looked the same which is beautiful and i'm i'm by the way as boring as she may be i'm so glad she has left peter because she is on such a different level than he is and she deserves much better I'm sure we still have to look at him on FaceTime what the fuck's the point like it's bad enough that I have to still watch you I still have to watch Peter on FaceTime I also want to point out that Cynthia being boring is actually a great compliment to who she is as a person because if you're boring

on Atlanta that means you're actually a pretty normal person yeah you're actually pretty decent you're pretty like normal and like you know have there's a lot of upside in your life yeah you'll probably see tamra in heaven but you'll be the only two basically on tv you'll be watching hell tv so you want to just go through this uh by characters um sure i'll let me see what i can yeah so i mean candy was we can start Candy, because nothing really happened with Candy. She had, like, a scene in the beginning, and she showed up towards the end. And she basically was like,

See? No. Ace. And, you know, I'm proud to say, Ace is, like, already bigger than Todd. Oh, Ace, possibly the cutest baby. I love that Candy... Okay, like, Candy has made it through a lot. She's probably the most

successful out of the housewives on this show like hands down probably the smartest found a happy relationship with a midget i mean that guy cannot be easy to get along with and she's got the cutest baby in the world that i mean candy kind of wins and this candy wins to the point where she her entire first scene of a new season can be just watching her baby shit and she still wins i mean what the hell still still better than cynthia's last three seasons was watching ace take a shit on the toilet yeah i mean watching that baby shit and then laugh and she's like you ready to take a dump this morning and he's like he starts laughing and then a dump this morning? And he's like, he starts laughing. And then Candy, this is like Candy's big issue for the season.

She's like, I can't do a candy, everybody. Toilets. Yeah. She's like, I don't understand why people would have a problem with something you gotta do every day. Who would get mad at that something you gotta do every day. Oh, we get mad at that. I don't understand why, like... People got an issue with the toilet, like, Riley was grand when she was 18 months old. It's fine.

She's already offended that other people are going to be offended that she's talking about poop. I mean, candy. You win. So, okay. So that's's basically candy that's all anything um why don't we do um portia next because she is like well why don't we do cynthia then portia because then it's really charie and kenya are like the bulk of the episode okay so who's next let's do cynthia so cynthia is basically spends the episode being sad and facetiming peter oh my god she goes

to see a divorce lawyer and you know that cynthia means business because she's wearing her lens craft or not her lens crafters her claire's boutique glasses without a prescription and some braids yeah and uh she goes to this lawyer who's got certificates plastered all over yeah all over the wall. And he's not the lawyer that has represented everyone else because there's been a divorce storyline every single season of this show, it feels like. That's his whole resume is just representing housewives that get divorced in Atlanta. Yeah. Cynthia just says a lot of words to sound smart.

Yeah. She's so not smart. She's like, hello, lawyer. I'm here to seek legal counsel for the process of filing for a separation of divorce between a disillusion

of the marriage of a man and a woman. Just get to it, Cynthia. My favorite part was the way Cynthia practically stifled a laugh when the lawyer was like, will you be seeking alimony? She's like, no, no. There's nothing there. Yeah.

She's like, yeah, I already paid for those stickers to go over the Folgers label on all that coffee he's trying to make. I don't need them back. I like when she said she's here to file for divorce and he goes, you and Peter? No, she's just divorcing some rando she's never met before, Dodo. And then afterwards, she goes down to her car and puts her forehead on the steering wheel to try to convince us that she's somehow sad about this. You know, when inside she's like... Oh, I've tried... What song was playing when she was doing that?

So the drama singer was that. Dry your eyes. La la la. Because you're crying right now. You are crying. And she's like. That's actually also the same song they play on the Peter's Brew commercials. Peter's Brew. The best part of waking up is putting peter's brew in your mouth

yeah the best part of waking up is crying on your steering wheel the best part of waking up is getting that hoe out of your bed before you call your wife so the next part with her is she is talking on FaceTime with Peter. And he's like, why are you FaceTiming me? I'm with a date. She's like, are you serious right now? He's like, I miss you so much. I haven't talked to you.

Why are you pretending that we talked for more than like one time in three months? I miss you, babe. And then she's like, we shouldn't talk about this right now. Hey, how about you don't need to be filming a scene on FaceTime with this fool that you haven't even bothered talking to for three damn months until you needed something to do on camera. Hang up on Cynthia. Well, also, how about he doesn't say I miss that face

while he opens a bar up in Charlotte, okay? So don't talk about missing Cynthia's face when you actively move to a different state. I miss that face, but when I'm with that face, I miss cheese sticks from Charlotte. He's probably talking about an emoji on his phone anyway oh look it's the baby emoji i haven't used that in a long time i missed that face so yeah she's still boring as hell god bless her she did have a lot of very entertaining hair styles though so you know that's still working for her yeah um oh we can talk about phaedra phaedra basically did nothing she made lemonade phaedra shadra this pha shady fady okay phaedra making

lemonade i love that she's like beyoncing for this scene everything phaedra does is like a little sign you know she's like doing like doing her Beyonce lemonade thing. Then Porsche, typical Porsche, showing up in some damn $500,000 car or some shit. Some dude from Africa bought her. And she's like, it's me. She comes over to Phaedra's house, and they're playing scary garage band violins. It's like, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.

And Porsche's like, um and for sure it's like hi little boy i got you guys weapons there's some guns yeah their dad is in jail do you really need to be bringing them weapons yeah for their toys well i'm sure it's something the governess can fix. Because I love that Phaedra has a governess. She's like, I went back to 1835 and got us a governess from England. Called a nanny. Not a governess. She's turned all of our curtains into outfits. Because we were shamed on Pinterest by some troll.

Now, these two remind me kind of of us. They just start cracking up, but they're not even making any kind of sense. Portia's like, this lemonade is better than Chick-fil-A, girl. And then Phaedra's like, Phaedra, this lemonade better than Chick-fil-A. And then Portis got stuck how's everything going you got that divorcee glow uh hasn't this been going on like forever i feel like this show never really ends so phadra explains it this way as she gets a close-up of her beyonce lemonade's like, it's been a very difficult, long process, the divorce with Apollo, because, as you know, Apollo has not wanted to get the divorce. You're divorcing against his will.

I just like how she makes everything like so fancy sounding. Yes, I know. You know, really, my big takeaway from the scene is that Phaedra has a sign on her wall that says, pardon the mess. My children are making memories. And I'm like, no, it's a mess. Yeah, you have a fucking governess, okay? Give the governess a swiffer. Yeah, give the governess a memory.

How about that? Of where the vacuum closet is. You can make memories and be clean, okay? They start laughing over nothing she's like you've got divorcee glow and then phadra goes let the preacher say amen and then they start dancing around and she goes chat a club hug chat a club hug what the hell what are they even talking about i don't know i don't know either but I rewound it like 10 times. Well, I think what we've learned here is that Phaedra is actually like a great buddy. You know, when it was Candy and Phaedra, they would do the same thing and they were hilarious.

And now it's Portia and Phaedra and they're being hilarious. So Portia is actually like if you just give her another friend and they just are like chummy, she's hilarious. Yeah, agreed. So who's in the middle of this well in the middle of this uh a big chariot shows up and um a tiara is delivered to phadra and this is an invitation to kenya moore's uh housewarming party because kenya has given decided to do a housewarming party before her place is even done which is another classic real housewives thing like oh my god i only have two weeks left and i do love that she basically didn't invite portia because they are hitting each other again

but phedra invited portia to be her plus one and the reason why his phedra goes i don't want to go so so the the big the big the big the bulk of the show was the evolution of more manner and chateau charrette which i think i think i i feel like it's just really hilarious we still have to reflect on how funny it is that there is such a thing as chateau charrette and more manner it's like hilarious um so kenya's i mean i actually i like kenya's place even though it's not done i think it looks great and i love she's like yes my place has a theater thirder that's right it has a thirder is that thirder um so the news with kenya is that she has broken up with matt uh because he got really jealous and was looking through her shit and then knocked down a door in a hotel in Mexico, as we all know. Her house is almost done, but not done yet.

And she's still being shady about Sheree. Can I just point out that it's the first episode and already we have someone not asking for more? What a fail of an opening line kenya she's like look at my house i have so much to do and then because to her talking to the workers walking slowly she's like guys you got to keep those door closed if i weren't here nothing would get done i'm like you're really not doing anything you're just walking around that's like how that's my version of helping out too like i'd be the guy at survivor who holds up like who's like weaving palm fronds you gotta be like guys i'm doing a lot over here i'm really

contributing because i'm lazy too kenya it's okay we get a tour through her house and she's got a robot toilet it's and cynthia's like i cannot believe you're having a party people are gonna step on nails or whatever i know and you know it's a real housewives house because a dog has already shat all over the party does anybody train their dogs no one on these shows no one no one does so while kenya's getting her house ready, Shrae is also working on hers. Shrae now has a Patti LaBelle weave or wig, I should say. And I like how Shrae... That is some straight up Mama Joyce. Yes.

Doesn't she look like Mama Joyce with that hair? It's weird. I didn't like it at all. I did not like that wig on Shrae. But I did like that Shrae called more manner more work needed manner which was kind of forced but appreciated uh i was looking over the facebook comments of the live thread or whatever and someone goes on the real house obviously someoneateau charret is that it's definitely huge like there's like a library with like two store like three stories tall which means that she finally has space for the

two-story tall painting that she wanted to commissioned in season two but like it's huge there are all these like really nasty faux tuscan balconies in the back like they showed a shot of the chateau from behind and it looked it looked not good it was like turrets and like poles and wrought iron you know you know wings was bad It was very bad. I thought it was soup. I mean, I thought it was kind of pretty coming along. I mean, just considering,

I thought it was really a construction zone. I didn't know anything was even in there like that. It had flooring. I was like, Whoa, Sheree, you're doing it. I feel bad for the,

I'm sorry. Oh no, no, go ahead. No, I was just gonna say, I feel bad for the neighbor. Cause at one point you could see when she went out onto the balcony,

you could see the, the neighboring house was just like this perfectly cute house. And you got to feel like probably the whole neighborhood is like that. And then she comes in there and builds this faux chateau, which looks very McMansion-y but at least okay from the front. But in the back was just like this nastiness. This is not fitting in. They need the chick from yours, mine or ours i'll build them a facade she'll put some plants on the wall oh i was laughing when kenya calls her to invite her

over to the party and sherry's like oh just smelling the fresh wood of my cabinets my real wood cabinets here in my kitchen and kenya's like, well, I would have sent her an invitation, but I don't know where she lives. Like, it's sure as hell not a chateau. It could be a hotel, a trailer. A box under the bridge. And they were having fun with each other. But then Kenya goes, okay, well, I'm glad you're coming. Now remember to mind your more

remind god damn it it's like mind your manners at the manor and sure he goes excuse me what's that supposed to mean i'm very concerned for the future of Chateau Charest because she has she brought this designer in and she's like he's very good she always swallows her words like me and he's like alright

this is what we're going to do we're going to turn this bedroom all silk I was like oh god this is just going to go in such a terrible direction let's just look at kyra some more because he's hot oh so at the party oh wait i also have to say i love that shiree is now naming every facility after like her kids her family her family. She's like. Tiara doesn't live here. She's in townhouse Tiara.

So we got Chateau Charest. Townhouse Tiara. Is Cairo going to wind up in condo Cairo? Bob's in bungalow Bob. Costa Cairo. Is Cairo in condo Cairo? You got a chicken condo there? Charest usually starts talking like that when she's mad but she's already starting the season

like that you think i don't have a setup i'm set up oh we forgot to mention that in the middle of this porsche went to anger management and she talked about how she was bullied i actually felt bad for they showed pictures of her she was so cute she's adorable like pipsqueak and she's they called her like a rabbit and a beaver and i actually genuinely felt bad for her i actually i'm did not feel like you know i'm like a sucker for these things they're like i was made fun of they made fun of my beauty i'm like oh no oh my god. Oh, my God. She was called a bunny. Girl, I was called a fat faggot every day. I made it through.

But I like she goes this whole thing. She's like, yeah, they call me a rabbit. That buck teeth. I had to wait till the bullies went away before I can go home. And then at the end of all of that, the council's like, cool. Yeah. The guy's advice was so weird. He's like, yes, but look where you've gotten to.

Here, here you are. I'm like, she's in anger management. I know. And then he told her, when you go in on someone at a party, you go in on your legacy. Like, what? People need to learn what legacy means on this show, because I think it's like the third time it's been misused today. She's like, I can already see my legs. Yeah, they used to call me Leggy, too.

Portia was just making shit up, I think. She's like, when I was a kid, I was in school, and... He's like, did people bully you? Yes! They bullied me. Did, did people bully you? Yes! They bullied me! Did they call you a bunny? Yeah! They called me a bunny!

I was like, are you talking about anything real? Are you going to wait for him to feed you every answer? She's like, well, the truth is I did drive a Volkswagen Rabbit, so maybe they're talking about my car. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. You deserve better, audience. It took me a minute you deserve better uh when she was talking about being bullied this is so mean for me to laugh but i'm sorry it's porsche and i just don't believe it even though she's one of my favorites she goes i suffer from

depression one time i was so depressioned that i wanted to even maybe commit suicide, I was thinking. I was like, you did not. That is not a serious thought of committing suicide. She's like, one time I even thought, wow, what if I killed myself? Portia, stop hitting people, okay? There, your therapy is now over. Stop hitting people. The end. I felt bad.

Portia got me. Portia got me. I was into it. Hot, rich girl. I'm sure. I don't feel bad. Iia got me. Portia got me. I was into it. Hot, rich girl. I'm sure. I don't feel bad. I respect you. I love you for feeling bad, but I just can't. Well, listen, I feel like it's the

yin to my blob comments. My blob shaming. Am I the blob to your yang? So even though I sort of piled on on the blob shaming i want you all to know i do feel empathy for portia so does that make me a good christian yes why why because you don't have two faces so we get over messed up we get over to the, and people are having trouble getting down the driveway because it's so steep.

She put out a red carpet, which is ridiculous. It's a housewarming party, not a premiere for Cynthia Bailey Shades. She also had stuff that she was selling in there. Did you notice? She had the entire party sponsored by a vodka. Who does that? It's a housewarming. It's at your home and you're making people pay i know and there were so many craigslist extras there it was it was out of

control yes those are twitter people as meanie would say for sure yeah um i love sheree coming down the driveway and she's because the thing is that she has that steep driveway and and they got it paved like the day before they probably just did like a rush job and sheree is like is it ready is it ready and then and then she finally gets into the house and she sees cynthia and i just wrote down sheree is all sheree sheree literally brought a change of shoes to get down the driveway she changed her shoes and then went down the driveway and then put her other shoes back on well you know what I told Kenya. This is the Flintstones. You got a circus?

This is dangerous. It's like a roller coaster. It's like the Flintstones. Is it sturdy? Are there nails down there? Am I going to cut myself? Is there a broken glass here? Is there hepatitis on this knob?

There could be. I don't know. Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code?

Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? Is that the code? and i love i love so then um there's some poor naive person there who seems like a real a real person who got dragged into this and it's like can you where's matt we just love matt isn't he great isn't it great the way he just walks through doors? He just opens them like a real gentleman using the knob and opens them and then closes them behind him. Isn't that so great about

Matt? We love that about Matt. You know, this vodka is really tasty, but you know what's perfection? Matt! Where is Matt? Where is he? That was so funny and awkward and she couldn't even answer. She's like, and then meanwhile, Sheree's like, it's on you. I'm sweating. I'm sweating you i'm sweating i'm sweating i'm sweating it's hot and she's she stands on a vent on the ground like a

air conditioning she stands right on it and like great nice charrette crotch febreze scent wafting through the new house smell she's like can this house woman invite she'll come with a hard hat a dust mask And a freaking fan What's the woman here had titty sweat Dogs had titty sweat too Yeah even the dogs have titty sweat So let's see here Kenya's like I didn't invite

Portia because I just want to feel safe In my own home Then why is every wall a window And here comes Matt by the way The Kool-Aid man. So let's see. Oh, sorry. I was just going to say, Candy brings a friend named Lena.

And Lena didn't say anything, but she got like a little name thing, which makes me think she might be a new friend of for the season. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah, I don't know but i like that when kenya was giving the tour they showed a bucket under a pipe and sure it's like she's got work to do you got buckets i mean i heard about the bucket list but you took it to that new level watching porsche and phaedra walk down the driveway made me laugh too hard. They were acting like they've never seen such a thing.

And then Sheree is Why was she doing? Oh, so Phaedra and Portia enter. Obviously, Portia's not invited. And Kenya's just said she fears for her life or whatever. So they walk in and Sheree goes, And then she starts posing and moving back it was amazing oh my god it was a solid minute of charade just going yeah

she couldn't even ask if anyone had an electric she was just like oh my god that was it was so good she was like it was like someone had plugged her in to a wall like used her american like plug in a european socket and she's like the bolts were too high for her. And that's how she ended up with Mama Joy's hair. The end. The end. And it was really funny.

And Kenya, we didn't mention the fact that Kenya did get Sheree a few times. At one point, when they were talking about the houses, Sheree was like, ooh, it's a nice house. It looks nice.

And Kenya was like, yeah, it's been a long journey. I can't imagine what five years must feel like five years you better get it straight it's been four years okay way better you got an extra year you got an extra year oh lord well that brings us to the end of atlanta we will be back thursday with the rest of the shows that were on Bravo this week. Okay? Get off my ass. Thank you, guys, for enduring this crazy episode.

I'm sorry for those of you who I made feel bad by hopping onto the Lala Blob train. Girl, we have not done a two-hour, show in a long time well if any shows deserve it it's all three of these oh so so fun so we'll be back thursday with below dick uh married to medicine and the real housewives of new jersey reunion as usual until then go to watch what crap ends for all our links or patreon.com slash watch what crap ends for our bonus episodes and find us on facebook at watch what crap ends we love you guys thanks guys bye hey prime members you can listen to watch what crap ends ad free on amazon music download the amazon music app today or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in

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